#ive kinda reached a part in my project where its kinda early to start my report since its due in literally 5 weeks and im workign full time

[bleutectic]

im going swimming with friends tonight and im EXCITED !!! YEE!!!

[readandwritesilver]

can we just,,,,,, can everyone shut up with the debbie discourse for two seconds because i have had a Thought while sitting on my bed and analyzing her character,,,,,,,

you know the scene on the porch around the end of season ten (i think its 10.11, but i could be wrong) where her and sandy are teasing carl about his “undercover cop” thing,,,,, ok so bear with me for a second right these are the ramblings of whatever the gender neutral term for madman is,,,,

ok so like that scene makes me think of something. i already brought up the parallels between both sabbie/dandy (imo dandy is cuter but sabbie seems more popular) and s1-3 gallavich, as well as the parallels between sandy and debbie individually in s1-3 in this post. i go into a lot more detail but the summary of it is that debbie and sandy, both individually and in their relationship, reflect what gallavich could have been in the early seasons but didnt have the chance to, mainly because of one terry milkovich.

(cutting this because its fucking LONG man, sorry. i get really fired up about the parallels in this show because like,,, not to compliment the writing on shameless but they kinda make me go a little feral)

so, anyways, the porch scene.

throughout the first five seasons, all the way up until she leaves, we see glimpses at the dynamic of mickey, mandy, and ian as a group. but it’s never really allowed to thrive, first because of mickey, and then because on k*nyatta.

the reason k*nyatta interfered with mandy’s relationships with the two of them don’t really need to be explained. he was an abusive and manipulative peice of shit, end of story. but i want to look more at s1-3, where mickey was the one preventing it.

i think that in his head, ian was separate from everything else. ian was essentially his escape, even if he would never even admit it to himself (though he actually does admit it, to some degree, after yev’s christening in 4.11). notice how reluctant he is to let any part of what he has with ian interact with his family in any way, how when he’s with both mandy and ian at the same time (or, honestly, with any other human being and ian at the same time) he essentially pretends ian doesn’t exist, how he freaks out when ian makes any kind of effort to hang out with him but invites him to stay over the SECOND his family is out of town.

there are practical reasons for this, and the biggest one rhymes with berry bilkovich, but part of it is also that i think mickey needs to let ian be his own. anyone that grew up with abusive/manipulative parents (and this isn’t just me projecting, ive had this conversation with other people from shitty homes that have agreed) can tell you that, essentially, nothing is your own as soon as your abuser knows about it. it becomes fuel to their fire. and i think that mandy (and the rest of his siblings, as he clearly had a relationship with them, even if it was different than it was with her) were an extension of this. again, there are obviously practical reasons for this in that he had no way of knowing whether he could trust them (though it seems unlikely ian never told mickey mandy knew he was gay.) and there was a reasonable chance he would have been in just as much danger as if his dad found out, but i think this was only part of his reasoning.

so, going back to sandy, debbie, and carl.

i think that the three of them are an important addition to everything i already went over with dandy/sabbie and gallavich. obviously sandy isn’t really in season ten very much, and most of her time is spent with mickey dealing with wedding stuff and debbie is in no way involved (with the exception of the one time sandy texts her about franny,). but in the scenes that she does have with debbie, like i said in my last post, sandy is already at the point that mickey is after a lot of work, despite their (theoretically) reasonable age gap. yes,  there are practical reasons for this from a show-running perspective and yes we don’t know much about her pre-s10, i’m aware of all of this, but it’s not really relevant. the point is that sandy is clearly already comfortable with her family (mainly mickey, but she also point blank says to terry & several random milkoviches that she’s gay and receives no reaction, meaning it isn’t news) knowing not just about her sexuality, but also about her and debbie. sure, she never has a conversation of any kind with anyone about debbie, but, not only do they dance together at the wedding, but they have sex in 10.11 in an old, shitty house with most likely very thin walls with everyone there. also the bowtie scene, while it’s technically only them, once again theoretically happens in the kitchen of a house with other people in it.

ok, so, now that i’ve rambled for far too long, the porch scene.

i ADORE this scene. i think it sets up a fucking wonderful dynamic that i hope in my heart of hearts isn’t forgotten in s11. sandy telling carl he smells like shit and that he’s “not a very good [undercover cop]”, carl calling her “milk”, the three of them sharing the joint, it’s poetic cinema. and the fact that the pivotal moment in debbie and sandy’s (until that point) casually flirty relationship happens right after? i have a lot of problems with the writing on shameless because of how they handle the way that certain stories progress, but this scene is one of the things that i fucking love about the writing on this show. it’s one scene that’s, like, three minutes max and here i am rambling on for paragraphs about it. we already see an easy relationship building between the three of them, and it has a lot of potential to go even further.

so, this is all kind of building on my original post. but we’re seeing them, pretty much immediately, get a dynamic that mickey, ian, and mandy could have had, but were denied because of circumstances totally out of their control. granted, sandy and carl aren’t really friends yet, but we’ve been shown time and time again that gallaghers and milkoviches are kind of just drawn to eachother, so i don’t think it’s a reach at all (especially if sandy is still hanging around in s11, which i think she probably will be, between mickey and debbie) to say theres a reasonable chance it could happen.

obviously there’s no equivalent to lip in this situation, and i suppose they could just introduce a random milkovich for carl, but i honestly wouldn’t want that. to be fair, they managed to do start a decent romance with debbie and sandy pretty quickly, but i just feel like it would come off as forced and/or rushed. besides the fact that, as much as i loved lip and mandy together, and have always loved lip as a character, he honestly never really fit into the dynamic all that well. there wasn’t even a particular reason why he never worked as a part of the little group at any stage, he just didn’t, (which is fine).

TL;DR: Sandy, Debbie, and Carl could (either in s11 or post-canon, though i think the latter is more likely) become something similar to the sweet little “two of us are banging, two of us are siblings, and two of us are best friends” group that mandy, mickey, and ian never got the chance at, and i think it’s pretty damn neat.

[davidmann95]

Some Kingdom Hearts future thoughts

Have to get ‘em out! Went into some thoughts with my psuedo-review of III, but I’ve got others and stuff worth expanding on. I’ll put them under the cut since it clearly goes into spoilers, except for my boldest, most controversial guess: along with being announced either this year or next (since Kingdom Hearts has never reached the end of a calendar year after a release with nothing on the horizon) I think Kingdom Hearts IV is going to be a 2022 release. I recognize that sounds like an intensely generous timeframe, but I have several reasons:

1. Above all else by far: once again, Square Enix and Disney are going to be on Nomura’s ass, nose to the grindstone, to get him to start delivering these on a consistent basis again. Do you think they’re looking at Kingdom Hearts III topping sales charts and thinking “well, it sure was worth the wait”, or do you think they’re going “gosh, these are some nice sales, sure would be nice if it came out years ago and we had a bunch more similarly-selling titles by now, let’s try and aim for something closer to that in the future”. Especially-especially since Nomura and the actors aren’t getting any younger and the series is at a point where the core fanbase for the franchise as-is is going to be the primary target rather than new audiences, which means it has to wrap up in a timeframe where that’s still a viable market. So rapid, priority development and few if any more spinoffs. I mean, not as if there’s really a handheld platform for them to be on anymore.

2. My understanding (and this is going somewhat into the technical side of things, so I’m going thirdhand here based on what I’ve heard from others) is that the lifecycle of the current console generation isn’t going to run out for quite a bit yet, so they can reuse a lot of the assets and whatnot from III.

3. A big deal was made about Dream Drop Distance coming out on the 10th anniversary of the franchise, and given 20 is a much wilder number for this series than most equivalents when it’s about a single cast of characters going through a single story, I can’t imagine they won’t want to push that as at least a similarly big deal.

4. Finally, when things don’t go as catastrophically off the rails as III did, these games seem to have a fairly consistent 3-4 year development span (even III, once they announced the beginning of development in 2013, would have come out 2017-early 2018 if not for switching from Luminous to Unreal Engine), and for the reasons I listed above I think this is going to be on the speedier end of that.

* Firstly: the main discussion I’m seeing at this point regarding IV is “it’s gonna be a Kingdom Hearts/The World Ends With You/pseudo-Final Fantasy Versus XIII crossover!”, and I really expect and hope that isn’t the case. Not that I’ll be pissed if it is, I’m sure it would still be rad, but it strikes me as both unlikely and the lesser outcome. I don’t know that I see the powers that be diverting resources in one of their biggest cash cows towards a sequel to one of their minor games - one that’s already been in Kingdom Hearts, meaning its inclusion here wouldn’t reasonably be a huge enough deal to base a lot of the full story on - and a way to reimagine another project. And for that matter it strikes me as conceptually small-scale given the setup. Nomura went with a name in Yozora that doesn’t just have the bent meaning of Sora’s name but actually literally sounds like him, went with a setting that aside from the one cameo sign mainly screams to viewers “Sora’s suddenly in the real world, holy cow”, and unless I entirely misread it Verum Rex was presented as a total self-roast in Toy Box. It doesn’t strike me as spot-the-reference (even though that’s 100% in there) nearly so much as establishing a tonal contrast to Kingdom Hearts.

I joked initially about this being a Flash of Two Worlds! (linking to a description for non-comics readers who are here because I tagged Kingdom Hearts)/’Kingdom Hearts goes to war with its own gritty fanfic’ setup, but...I actually suspect that’s pretty close to what’s going on here? This seems like a send up of Final Fantasy’s relative self-seriousness and over the top Super Cool characters, as a contrast to Sora’s goofy open-hearted sincerity and optimism. It’s the Secret Movie aesthetic that some want not just more prominent but as the actual main tone of the series morphed into an entire universe all its own, and Sora, out of place, has to find his way through and back home even as the real threat mounts, and probably has to save this world and get through to its heroes who aren’t likely prone to grinning through off-the-cuff monologues about the heart. That is not only entirely my kind of ridiculous meta jam, it feels like a logical next step for the series: if the first trilogy was in part about growing up, the next (and I suspect last, as the Master of Masters and his Foretellers have been set up as the primordial antagonists of the entire mythology and this is where they’re coming to the fore; my old theory of Eraqus being the big bad of an intermediary trilogy looks solidly shot to hell) could very well be about reaching adulthood, in which case it makes sense Sora would have to pass through a near literal fire of Adolescent/Adult Cynicism.

* Speaking of where Sora ends up: I kinda doubt he’s literally dead, or that if he is it’ll last past the opening of the game. They’ve already made a big theatrical production of Sora dying twice now, the second time in the most literal way possible and just a few hours prior to this, so while third time’s the charm I think there’ll be more to it than that. The again common thing I’ve been seeing is that he’ll have to play the Reaper game to win his life back (not something I’m much familiar with but I think I’ve got the basics), but again, while it’ll certainly be part of the game I don’t think TWEWY is going to be the big thing here (like they’d really make that a bigger deal than the Final Fantasy elements have been), and he just dealt with the afterlife and had to essentially play a game to win his soul back, and this wouldn’t even be a game he’s unfamiliar with. My impression is he’s incorporated back and whole - if likely powered down from the ordeal to justify him being back at level one - and the mystery is less whether or not he’s truly alive so much as how he ended up here and how to get back.

* On the other end of things - and I realize it’s a risky prospect to suggest after her getting a shockingly small role compared to everyone else in III was the damning weak aspect of its otherwise basically perfect finale - I think this is where Kairi is actually going to start to come to the forefront. She and Riku would be at the head of a search that everyone would be a part of (they were there when it happened, they know death is negotiable in their world, and they’re good people who all owe him), her especially since he’s her boyfriend - they may not declare it outright but there’s clearly no ambiguity between the two of them as to their situation anymore - and the one he sacrificed himself for, and she’s out there fighting now even if she’s inexperienced. And Riku seems like he’s going to end up lost himself on the search, leaving her behind as the sole Destiny Trio representative. So even if she isn’t a playable co-lead I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the one going on a more traditional Kingdom Hearts adventure searching with the rest while Sora and later Riku deal with the genre mindfuck. On the bright side if nothing else, she’s died twice now too and they’ve both been presented as dead in a “maybe this time for real” way for a finale, so while again third time’s the charm, I figure she and Sora are relatively bulletproof from here on out.

* Speaking of Riku, while this seems more like an old-school proof of concept trailer from I and II rather than the more recent actual scenes, meaning his appearance might well change just as Kairi was different in I’s Secret Movie than she really was in II, it’s very notable that he hasn’t aged at all. So likely instead of another tragic I to II scale timeskip of Sora being lost from his friends, it looks like IV will be picking up immediately and the search for him won’t take long to succeed. Also speaking of Riku, I seem to see people thinking he’s with Namine now? Not that that seems impossible, but while the scene as a whole is romanticized in that it’s basically a princess being carried away by chariot to her happily-ever-after, it reads to me less as an actual romance than Riku fulfilling his ‘brother’s promise. Though if Square/Nomura does want to really get into romance with the next trilogy, since Sora/Kairi is locked down maybe they’ll just say fuck it and do a whole Riku/Namine/Xion/Roxas Love Square situation.

* Actual prediction rather than analysis of evidence: I suspect this is the last major time the Destiny Trio is going to be split up, at least in the searching-for-each-other, not-knowing-if-everyone’s-alive sense. I was the search for Kairi, II for Riku, and now IV for Sora - that cycle looks to be completing. Wouldn’t be surprised if V and/or the finale was finally the three of them as the adventuring party as fans have wanted for so long, with III as the grand finale to Sora/Donald/Goofy.

* It seems early to predict the main villain, but at the same time everyone was accurate in assuming a Keyblade-wielding Xehanort would be the final boss of the trilogy circa 2006, so I’m gonna go ahead and say Xigbar/Luxu is gonna be the end-all with IV. The Master of Masters is still the end of the road, and perfect for it because he’s a real-world normal savvy guy who can manipulate this world of straightforward classical adventurers with ease, while Sora at the opposite end of the scale is silly and sweet even by that world’s standard. But Luxu addresses the same ideas in a way that’d be perfect for this game in particular as it seems to be set up, he’d be the villainous connective tissue as this game moves from one trilogy to another, and he has the dangling personal thread of the ‘reward’ he suggested was coming for Sora. Or hell, since now it looks like she’s at least somewhat privy to what’s going on, maybe Maleficent will finally step back up.

EDIT: Ooh, just remembered, speaking of what Xigbar says to Sora, his Olympus conversation also predicts Sora’s fate? The whole “if you leap in to save somebody, you might just end up in the clutch needing to be saved yourself” lecture, i.e. the premise for IV. Maybe his teach isn’t the only one privy to future events?

* Not both, they’ll wanna space it out, but I’m like 70% sure this is where Marvel or Star Wars are gonna happen.

* Finally, while I’ve heard speculation that the Mystery Star is one of the Foretellers or the person who died in that Union X game, I don’t think she’s one of them given it’s a new voice actor and she cites a name Sora knows. More likely she’s ‘Subject X’ (I went ahead and looked up the Secret Reports, haven’t gone back and done all the bonus challenges myself yet and won’t I imagine for some time), who does seem to be from that time but is I think someone new.

[pkmnjesus]

5 years of the PokémonJesus

Before the night comes to a close, I would like to personally reflect on today’s importance (thus the reason for the Takeover queue). It’s been 5 years since I officially became engaged with this fandom that has really became a weekly routine of mine when new episodes come out. This is really just to put my thoughts out there in the blog archive, so I would prefer if no one reblogs this. P J’s beginnings started all the way back with Serebii Forums...

2013-2014 (The Pokémon forums Era)

I have been lurking in the fandom as early as the Best Wishes days, and often visit sites like Serebii Forums or tumblr’s Pokémon anime tags around 2011. I usually talk Pokémon online when it comes to the games when battling or trading in certain chat rooms (was really active during the Gen. IV era of games), but never really talked about the anime with. I have been a spectator to the discussion while the BW saga was rolling a long, then I decided on September 26th 2013 (which was the airdate for the final BW! episode in Japan) to create a serebiiforums account under the username PokemonJesus123, just in time for the start of the XY series which I was mad hyped about! I WAS A FAN SINCE DAY 1...some y’all just tagged along in XY&Z NO LOYALTY xD . My serebii profile is still there actually, so you can try to find my old inactive page if you want lol (my avatar was me holding up my 3DS in a cringey way...looking back why tf did I take that photo lol delete later). Coming into 2014, I joined tumblr as well under the url name you see right before you. Never changed it, and probably never will. The origin of this name you ask? You’ll just have to ask me personally for that story 😉 I absolutely joined tumblr out of pure boredom to view and follow blogs I was a fan of. I had no intention of posting whatsoever. Oh, and I made a Twitter account under the P J name too! Follow ME :^)

2014-2015 (Thursday LIVE! tumblr era)

After a couple months of finally creating a tumblr account and actively posting on serebiiforums and bulbagarden, XY episode 50 (the episode where big lips Nini/Nene debuted) was the first EVER Pokémon anime episode I ever posted about in my blog. I was still new the #pokeani tag (funny story, I didn’t really knew what it meant back then besides to tag it lol), but I got as much as around 30-100 notes. Seeing those notes already got excited that it pushed me from making it a weekly thing since I had a livestream to watch it every Thursday night and screen-cap it. My goal from the very beginning was to try to be the first one to post about here, like what the Japanese fans do on Twitter under the #Anipoke tag. Of course, most of my notes came from either an AmourShipping post or a Serena post. I’m not going to lie, I was really a huge Serena fan when the series first started. I rambled a lot too getting hyped for Citron/Clemont episodes because he was probably my favorite character at the time xD

2015-2016 (A growing blog)

This was the era I started to do special long posts in celebration with Pokémon’s 20th anniversary. Around this period is where my blog was in a developing state getting like 2 or 3 followers every week. And trust me, there were A LOT of posts that I regret posting, but I learned to watch my words every week and say the right things (I really try not to trigger anyone here). I took a couple of weeks off when new episodes aired since I was really busy with college, or I wasn’t into XY filler episodes that much. Would usually tune in live when Team Flare was involved or anything with Squishy/Puni-chan (I absolutely ADORED Bonnie/Eureka in this arc), but I didn’t post that much on tumblr...unless if there was like an AmourShipping moment that happened xD. The hype for Gen. VII was already looming, and I kinda got bored from the anime A BIT. When Ash-Greninja came into the picture however, I got excited again! Then the Kalos League happened, and the anticipation of Ash’s journey hit a climax! We all know what happened, and the rest was history...

2016-2017 (GIFmaking era)

So the Sun & Moon anime happened late 2016, and the hype for a new series was within me again! This is when my blog REALLY started to boom, as well as the birth of my Pokémon Discord server PokéTōku. My notes were higher than over compared to what I posted from XY. One possible reason is that a lot of pokeani bloggers from back then weren’t really interested in Sun & Moon (probably because of the animation change), so I was one of few who still stayed for the ride and that really benefited my blog’s exposure. I absolutely loved Lillie’s character development, and I also did not expect myself to enjoy Lana/Suiren’s character so much! Brock & Misty’s was a huge highlight for me as well seeing my childhood come to a modern-day Pokémon series. I was surprised to have popular people reblog my stuff that destroys my notifications per second. I was even flattered when popular pokéblogs such as shelgon, corsolanite, chasekip, and a few others followed me. Back then I really wanted to get a lot of notes, but at this point I just wanted to be myself and post screen-caps that I feel like talking about. The series also motivated me to start making GIFs since I finally had access to Adobe Photoshop through my university’s application benefits. Later in 2017, I graduated from college and it gave me more time to improving my blog. Also, can you believe it took me 3 years to get 1,000 followers? If you asked me from day 1, I would have never expected to get that much since I had no idea about tumblr’s audience.

Everyone here knows that my blog doesn’t really follow “traditional” tumblr methods such as tags or making specific posts and what not (since I’m not really that into the tumblr culture lol...I’m just here for fun doing my own thing), but I hope I’ve brought something different to your dash experience 🙃

2017-2018 (Making friends)

From 1,000 to 2,500+ followers the next year. You’d be surprise how small that still is compared to the other popular Pokéblogs that joined tumblr later than me, but I’m still grateful for that number. My hype for movie 20 was crazy! I’d always make a post about it when a new trailer was out. But just like Sun & Moon, not everyone was looking forward to the AU it produced. The Let’s Go games shared the same fate as well since everyone didn’t want another Kanto, but I always defend the things that deserve a chance! I fairly enjoyed movie 20 though, and was the first movie that I posted screen-caps and GIFs for in this blog, even made an experience post about it watching it in the theaters! What’s MOST important to me during this time was actually interacting with some of my followers...or should I say friends now :) Out of the 5 years I’ve been here (not counting serebiiforum peeps I’ve known since 2013), I only recently talked to some of you around 2017. My interactions with people here have been awesome (for the most part at least lol) from sharing interests, geeking out over the anime, sending memes xD and concerns when P J isn’t feeling P J. You know who you are, and THANK YOU for cheering your boy up in times when I needed it despite not telling you about it <3 Going back to PokéAni hype, my next excitement attack was when they announced the Aether Foundation and Ultra Beasts were getting involved in the main story. It really makes up for no Alola movie...but hey we still got 1 year left, so maybe there’s hope?

Despite the brief breaks I took, P J’s activeness in the fandom has reached its highest when I managed the time to do scheduled posts and even started a few mini-blog series this year. Even during stressful times, I always make it an effort to find time and contribute to the fandom. I honestly don’t care if I get any asks because I know who the real homies are ◉‿◉つ A special shoutout as well to all the people that joined my Discord server through this website. I couldn’t have reached 100+ members without some of your blogs ^_^ And to the lurkers out there (I know some of y’all are creepin’ in the shadows of my blog without liking anything), you may not know it but I love you people too ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ)

Anyway this is just a summary of my journey here so far, and if you’d to hear a more in-depth story on some toxic things I’ve experienced in this fandom just message me. I personally don’t like venting out stuff in public because it just promotes more negativity, and I’m not about that. I will make a separate post on my feelings toward the schedule change maybe next week, and an appreciation post (5th tumblr blogaversary) for my specific followers January 2019. I am still preparing for that because there are so many people (even ones I don’t even talk to) I want to thank ❤ Moving forward into my 6th year, I probably won’t make another post like this anytime soon...but I am very hopeful for the future of the SM series and possible Gen. 8 anime late 2019. I also do plan on making some PokéAni-related stuff in my YouTube channel when the time is right, and have the resources to do projects. Keep your eyes out fam 👀LET’S F’N GO!

[stoven-harrington]

Where did the time go (during the summer I spent with you)?

Steve Harrington X OC

This happens a year after season 3, so Steve is now 20.

Steve Harrington AU in which Steve is dragged into 2019. With him here in the new modern world, going back to 1986 just might be possible. Time travel, new friends, old friends, with so much at hand, love shouldn’t be on the table. But life doesn’t always go as planned.

Read from the beginning here

Part IV: Explanations to a Stranger

It just had to be me with my luck that I help out some dude that’s a weirdo. 1980s? Who chooses that as a good decade in the 1900s? It’s obviously the 1990s! If you get past the drugs and crime (to be honest, you can’t really avoid that, in any decade), the music was pretty dope and the world was wild, in a good way-ish. But what was he talking about? Dustin? Ham radio? Just what the hell is a ham radio?

I turn around to check on him and sigh. He’s been sitting there with his mouth open for the past minute. What is going on with him? I try to think of something but just as I almost touch his shoulder, my phone goes off to the sound of Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen, causing Nico to bark outside the room. He snaps his head toward the sound.

“What was that?” Man, dude is on another level.

“It’s just my phone and my dog, lemme get it. Nico: Тихо.” The barking ceased and I roll my eyes. Walking over the to the night stand, I barely check the screen as I answer the phone. I didn’t need to check to know who it was to be calling at such a crazy time. “It’s four in the morning over here, Saint. You didn’t sleep did you,” I question, already ready for the semi-excited tone in the other end.

“What? Yes, I slept and-“

“How many hours?”

“I really am in the future and she has a dog,” Steve mumbles, staring at me as horror flashes across his features before he looks around the room.

“Rene, that’s not the point here, I-“ I sigh, ignoring Steve’s eyes bulging from his face for whatever weird reason and focus on the rapid clattering of fingers running across a keyboard on the other side of the phone.

“How long?” There’s a slight pause on the phone, the clattering suddenly stops.

“This isn’t right, I can’t be in the future,” Steve stands up and fumbles to the floor. “Shit.”  I help him up as I wait for Saint to answer, shooting Steve a ‘wtf’ glance before walking away the bed to the corner of the room.

“…four hours but-“ Oh my god, my idiot. God, where would he be without me? I facepalm as I start to rant,

“No, Saint, I get you’re excited about your project but fucking four hours of sleep? No, go to bed and don’t call me until you actually slept for a bit. I tell you this several times: anything less than six hours and you increase your chances of a heart attack-”

“I’m stuck in the future, she has a dog and she’s not even listening to me. I might as well be talking to myself. Great.” I wave Steve away, still in the middle of ranting. Can’t he see me trying to be a supportive angry best friend over here?

“And if I find out you’re mixing energy drinks and coffee again from Casey, I will tear your ass a new one as your best friend. Now, sleep!” Steve chuckles, bringing me back to my situation as I hang up the phone.

“What’s funny?” He shakes his head, a mixture of sarcasm and shock in his smile as he looks at me.

“Nothing, just, I just traveled to the future and you just threatened your best friend to beat the shit out of them. Whoooo what a way to start the morning. And I still need to contact my friends.”  Wait what?

“What are you talking about? Traveled to the future? Man, were you smoking something before?” He groans, dragging his fingers down his face as I sit at the foot of the bed.

“No, god how do I prove this,” he mutters, his eyebrows scrunching up. If he wasn’t such a weirdo, I’d say he’s kinda cute right now. With his poofy hair and dopey look on his face and – I should focus. “Wait, I have an idea,” he says, pulling me from my thoughts. “Where did you put my clothes?”

“In the laundry room, your clothes were covered in slime so I washed it.” I suddenly remembered why I washed them and point a finger toward him. “Hey, you still haven’t told me what the fuck that creature was. If it’s a secret, it’s a pretty shitty secret if I saw it.” He groans again and runs his hand through his hair exasperatedly. He then stares into my eyes, as if he was looking for something. Fear? Anger? Whatever it was, it didn’t last long before he sighs, turning away to look at something else.

“Listen, I’m not supposed to talk about it. Hell, explaining it is so complicated it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. But since you’re so determined and you saw it, there’s no point in not telling you. But you must believe everything I say. Including that I’m from the past” I shrug, crossing my arms. Like hell I’m just supposed to believe him. He’s cute but not that cute.

“Okay but in order to buy all this, I need one shred of proof from you. I think you owe me at least this.” He nods. At least he understands that I can’t just trust him off the bat.

“Fair, its bad to just blindly believe someone, I get it. But I think I had my wallet on me when I was attacked. I can prove I’m from the past if you have the wallet. Did you find it?’ I nod, thinking back on where I put it.

“I think I placed it on top of the washer, either that or it’s in the drawer to your left.” He reaches over and opens the drawer, smiling as he pulls out his wallet.

“Here it is.” He fumbles to hand me his ID, my fingers brushing against his as I grab it and look it over. He leans over to point to the date of birth, the distance between our faces a mere foot apart.  “See? I was born 1966.” Reading the ID, it was issued in the 80s. He wasn’t lying about time traveling I guess but I couldn’t stop myself from cringing a bit.

“Jesus, IDs looked like this back then? Fuck, I feel bad for you guys,” I say, handing the thing back to him. “The format sucks, and the picture looks worse than how they make you take pictures now.” He shrugs in agreement and places it back in his wallet. You can’t really fake an ID like that, especially since it looks like the ID uncle Jose had back in the 80s. And seeing that thing earlier, time traveling doesn’t seem as farfetched as I thought it sounded.

“Alright, I believe you but since you time traveled here, you gotta get some shots.” He raised his eyebrow in confusion.

“Shots? As in…”, He trailed off, miming a drinking gesture. He’s funny. I laugh and shake my head.

“No you dork, I mean like flu shots. No one really thinks about it since time traveling isn’t really a thing yet but time traveling seems illogical.” He tilts his head, his hair swaying by the motion. I didn’t really get the chance to dry his hair when I washed him off but man does his hair look tempting to touch right now.

“Illogical?” Rene, stop thinking about his fluffy hair. Answer the question! Nodding, I bring myself back to the conversation.

“Yea,  when you time travel to the past, you’re bringing a lot of new diseases, viruses, and flu strains to the people there and could easily cause an epidemic. You could kill thousands of people just by your very presence. Then there’s the reverse: when you travel to the future, you’re exposing yourself to even newer diseases and viruses that your body can’t handle. So since I’m believing that you’re from the past, you gotta get some shots pronto, my dude.” I could see the cogs in his head working as he sat in thought. It only lasted for a few seconds as his eyes grew wider.

“Are you serious? How am I even gonna get the shots I need?”

“I can call a friend whose a nurse but it’s a lil early to be calling anyone at the moment. So to kill time, you got any other questions?”

“A few.”

“Spill.” He looks down at himself, lifting the bed sheets before slowly meeting my gaze.

“You said my clothes were covered in slime and I remember being drenched in slime, sooo….,” he trails for a second, ”how did I wake up clean and in new clothes?” I lean back with my hands holding me up, smiling at his reddening cheeks.  Wow, I can already tell he’s gonna be fun to tease

“Well you can kinda figure that one out yourself but if you need me to spell it out for you: I cleaned you up and washed your clothes.” He opens his mouth to speak but I already know what he’ll say. “And yes, that means I saw you naked but don’t worry I kept your modesty by not really paying attention to your junk. As a upcoming nurse, this is more practice for me than anything, so you’re fine.” His cheeks are full on red now but he pushes through that as he stares at me.

“One: you have no shame and I don’t know how to feel about that so I’m gonna ignore that. Second: you wanna be a nurse?” I nod.

“Yup, Guess sticking with my aunt kinda influenced me a bit.” Speaking of nurse stuff, ”By the way, are you feeling a bit of pain, in your leg or head?” He quickly touches his head.

“Well, I threw up after waking up cause I felt a bit dizzy but I have a slight ache in my leg…” Throwing up and dizziness? Ooooh, that doesn’t sound good.

“You might have a mild concussion but I won’t know for sure until I can get Joy to bring her doctor friend to check you out. I’ll give you some meds for your leg in a bit. But, any other questions?”

“Yea, do you think I can reach out to my friends now?” I laugh, he’s got to be kidding me…..right? He starts to glare until I realize that he’s serious. Oh boy.

“Dude, you do realize that it’s not possible to reach your friends from the past right? What am I saying: it could totally be possible, what, with you time traveling and all. But what if it doesn’t work?” He shakes his head and looking into his eyes, it’s filled with determination.

“I have to at least try, Rene.” He gently places his hand on mine. “Listen, what I’m about to tell you is all true. It all started with the disappearance of a boy named Will Byers…”

_______________________________________________________________

“Wait wait wait wait wait wait, so let me get this straight: Eleven opened a portal to this Upside Down and let that creature I saw out by accident which kidnapped Will and you guys thought you guys killed it until it came back? Then your rag tag group of kids and you being mother hen went to help El close the portal by distracting the demodogs? AND thennnnn the mind flayer came back to kill El but your badass ex, her boo, Hopper, Joyce, the kids, your favorite kid Dustin and your now best friend Robin found a Russian government facility hidden under the mall that opened the portal again and poor Max lost her not-a-dick-at-the-end brother to the mind flayer? Now it’s been a year and this shit happens?” He nods, grimacing as he seems to think back on the past.

“Yea, that pretty much sums it up.” I sigh, shaking my head thinking about all the shit that happened to them.

“Damn, Max and Hopper didn’t deserve that. But damn! This shit happens to you guys almost yearly. You guys just attract trouble.” Shrugging his shoulders, he sighs.

“Yea, can’t really avoid it at this point. Hey, what do you mean Henderson is my favorite kid? ” I roll my eyes.

“Don’t play dumb, it’s obvious to literally everyone that Dustin is your favorite. You basically treat him like he’s your kid and you’re his proud mom.” He scoffs, the smirk betraying his so called offensiveness.

“I do not, I take care of all of them but most of them can take of themselves. Dustin is just someone that needs to be looked after a bit more than the others. But, what’s up with the whole mother Steve thing? I’m babysitter Steve, I don’t want to own any of these bad ass kids. They give me a headache.”  We both laugh when Nico trots into the room, wagging his tail as he jumps on the bed.

“Nico, aww my baby,” I say, rubbing his belly as he lays besides me and Steve. Looking over, Steve stares at Nico with caution. What’s that about? “What’s wrong? Never seen a dog before, Harrington?” He never takes his eyes off Nico.

“No, just never seen a Pitbull before.” I offer my hand, able to pull his gaze from Nico to me.

“Well, now you have. Give me your hand, he won’t bite.” Hesitating, he rests his hand on mine and I guide him on where to pet Nico. Nico flips over and starts to lick Steve’s face before he can even touch him, happily panting and wagging his tail quickly. Steve starts to laugh nervously until it starts to sound genuine, the fear washing away into a big goofy smile. Ahhh, he should smile more…

“How could I be scared of you, you big doof?” Nico barks, excited as Steve begins to pet him. “Yea, you’re a cute one.” I start to think back on the time Nico was judged as a pup.

“Lot of people think that Nico is this big scary dog when he’s really just a sweetheart with a heart of gold. Sure, he can attack but only when we tell him too. He’s well trained so he’s safe to be around. Pit bulls really just want to be loved just as every other dog.” I could feel my heart melt as Steve continues to pet Nico, a loving look in his eyes. Ahh converted him into a dog-lover. Success!

“You’re right. Nico is sweet.” Glancing at the clock, we still had some time. I should probably put an alarm on though, to remind me to text Joy. “Hey, you said that was a phone right? What are you doing with that?” Quickly setting an alarm, I smile at him, Nico resting his head in his lap. This would be such a cute picture but I’m pretty sure I should feed this guy instead of watching this cute scene unfold.

“Setting an alarm. I’ll teach you everything you missed on technology later. Come on, let’s go eat something. We got cereal, toast, pancakes, waffles, bacon and eggs. I can make a lot of egg dishes so watcha in the mood for? ”

“Eggs and bacon?” I can’t stop the grin on my face as I nod.

“Ah, a man with taste I see. What kinda of eggs you want: hard-boiled, scrambled, over easy, fluffy omelet, sunny-side up, fried, poached?” He lets out a whistle.

“Man that’s a lot of options. I guess sunny-side up.” I start to heading out the door.

“ ’Kay, Be back in a bit.”

[jessefferguson]

52,560 Hours Is A Long Time

After the final episode of the VEEP aired the other night, I was wondering how long it had been on the air. I realized it was just wrapping its first season on the day in May of 2013 when I got the results of my first biopsy and confirmation about my disease.

2,190 days ago today – 6 years – I sat in a sweltering doctor’s office waiting for the results of my first biopsy. Since then, I’ve had 6 or so more biopsies, 5 surgeries, more than 75 rounds of drug therapy, 45 days of radiation and more tests than I’d like to think about. But in those 6 years, none of them is seared in my mind like that first one. I was 32 then. I’m 38 now. And, as I see 40 on the horizon, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about how life would have been different if that biopsy had been different. 72 months or 52,560 hours. No matter how you slice it, 6 years is a long time.

My Thinking

Right now, work and life are good. My health is health – it’s never good but it’s not bad, either. It is what it is.

I’m at the age where it feels like 99% of my Facebook feed is filled with the family milestones of my friends -- having kids, first steps, first days of school. Occasionally when I see those, I wonder how my life would have been different if things had gone differently 2,190 days ago. Who knows. I can’t identify a direct impact of something I did or didn’t do because of cancer. There’s no clear thing I didn’t get to do. The only thing that’s known is that it’s unknown.

My work is a huge part of my life -- as anyone who knows me can attest. I’ve never been one for ‘work life balance’ and I’m not really a stop and smell the roses type. I’m more likely to wonder how those roses would look in a candidate photo shoot or whether they’ll be around after global warming.  I started working in national politics just under 10 years ago, which means that most of the people I’ve worked with in those 10 years have known me as “Jesse with Cancer” longer than as just “Jesse.” That’s weird to think about.

2018 Election

As I’ve previously written here, on election night 2016, I staggered around Manhattan for a few hours to just think. At the conclusion of it, I got home and went back to work. On election night 2018, I feel like some of the work paid off. I spent most of the last 2 years as a general consultant on a variety of projects – doing issue campaigns, ad campaigns, polling research and independent expenditures. I was very unsure what I’d be able to do after 2016 – with the loss in the election and the reality of my health. While I wasn’t able to do everything I wanted, I continue to enjoy what I do. On most days, it’s what I wake up in the morning thinking about and what I go to bed at night worried about.  I still get to spend most days wearing slippers and sweatpants at a standing desk in my apartment.

Over the course of the two years, I have probably advised about $45 million in programs and groups but, most importantly, was able to do it without ever having to put a tie on. I’m glad. I hate wearing ties. That’s especially good news because I have a tube in my neck that lets me breath – so I can’t wear a tie even if I wanted to.

Not all of my work was directed at the 2018 election, but a lot of it was. When I saw Nancy Pelosi get sworn in as Speaker of the House, it definitely put a skip back in my step – restoring a bit of my faith in democracy. But, also, my faith in myself and my ability to help with things even while balancing it with my health challenges.

It felt especially good to see her get sworn in because she was the one – 6 years earlier – who had told me to get on a plane and go see the doctors at MD Anderson in Houston. Those doctors ended up saving my life.

I didn’t go down to DC for her inauguration, though. I could make up a lot of fancy excuses why I didn’t go, but, to be honest, I would have needed to wear a suit & tie.  C-SPAN works just fine.

How I Ruined One Of My Favorite Shirts

Even as I work, health concerns creep up. I’ve had a tracheostomy tube since 2015 when they put it in for that pesky reason that it’s good to be able to breathe. Anyone who has had one can tell you there is occasionally some blood in it – that’s normal. It’s a foreign object that doesn’t belong there. 

After the last few years, I’m not a ‘run to the hospital’ kinda guy – I’m used to most of this. But by 2 am on Sunday, January 5th, 2019, it was clear there was a problem. Throughout the day that Saturday, it had gone from a little wisp of blood to blood soaked. At one point, I coughed in my bathroom and blood splattered all over the mirror above my sink. Probably time to find a doctor.

I packed towels and tissues around my trache and jumped in an Uber. The car had nice leather seats. I was worried I’d stain them. By the time I got into a hospital gown, the flannel shirt I was wearing was blood-soaked. One of my favorite shirts went into the trash can.

Even at 2 am, the staff there mobilized to figure things out. We did some tests and cleaned some things up. It helped. Out of an abundance of caution, they changed the tracheostomy tube to one that more securely protects my airway but doesn’t let me make any sounds – I can’t speak. That’s always been my worst fear since I got the tracheostomy. I talk for a living. It’s possibly my only redeemable skill.

Over the years, I have gotten really good at working from a hospital: I know where to tell them to put the IV so that I can still bend my arm and type on my laptop. The food tray makes a great computer desk. I know how to talk on a conference call while shielding the beep-beep noise if a heart monitor makes noise. I know how to take over the visitors’ reception area on the floor in the hospital after hours and turn it into a mobile office. If the Russians ever figured out to bug my various infusion rooms and hospital beds over the years, they would have figured out quite a lot about the Democratic Party.

I was in the hospital for about 10 days. The good news is that they have a delightful short rib on the menu and pancakes for breakfast, so I was fine. Oh, and about ½ way through my stay, they changed the tracheostomy back to one where I could talk. That was good news too.

It healed up. I took an Uber home. Since then,  it’s not given me any real problems.

Problems like this sometimes creep up; they’re part of everyday living. In the moment, they seem terrible but in hindsight it’s just the way of things now.

The Hardest Day (GayleNation)

I sat in the way back of the Howard Theater that weirdly cold yet sunny day in Northwest, DC. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to sit through that service so I sort of wanted to hide in the back. It was harder than I thought. Half-way through the service, as I watched friends, colleagues and even former bosses (and popular vote winner) give their eulogies, I had to walk out. I made it look like I was going to the bathroom but I really needed a few minutes of air. That was the hardest day of this last 12 months -- November 10, 2018, when we said goodbye to my friend Tyrone Gayle.

I remembered the night he called to tell me about his diagnosis. He knew what I’d been through and he asked for advice. I didn’t really have anything useful to say. We talked about whether it was a nightmare, I tried to make the case it was more like a bad dream.

I grieved the far-too-early passing a friend. I was sad to think he wouldn’t be part of my life and had only begun to reach his potential. But cancer had been the cause for this funeral – a young man taken at age 30.  Many people were devastated with the news of his passing; many were as close and some even closer to him than I was. It was a hard day for a lot of people.  I imagine my thoughts that day might have been a bit different than other peoples’.

I can’t believe that was six months ago. He was 8 years younger than I was when he died and he was diagnosed 3 years after I was. He had worked for me in 2013 when I was diagnosed and worked with me in 2016 when he was diagnosed. Whenever you have cancer and you hear about someone else with cancer, it’s difficult. When you hear about someone younger, it’s worse. When I heard about this – and when we lost him – it wasn’t so much a gut punch as it was a gutting.

Tyrone has passed away in late October of 2018 but they planned the memorial for after the midterm election. As the planners knew, Tyrone would never have let us take focus off the election to focus on him. A lot of tributes have been said and written more eloquently than I could about him – about his work with Tim Kaine, Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris. He had an infectious optimism and an unrelenting drive. It was always weird up to look to someone who was more junior than you are, but I did.

After the service, many of the attendees got together at a local bar to continue the tribute. I saw friends from all walks of my life in Washington, but I ghosted on my plans for the rest of the night.

I sat in my hotel room that night and thought for a long time. Some thoughts were the normal ones -- how he’d be missed and what a void he’d left. But then, in my situation, the mind wanders to weird places. You start asking questions like “Why him and not me?” You think about what the differences could have been – He was younger. Did I get better treatment? Was my disease less severe? Why him and not me? You realize there isn’t a reason, that it’s fairly random. And you feel thankful and lucky because the lot didn’t fall on you. But you realize you shouldn’t think like that about the dear friend you just lost, so you push that thought as hard as you can out of your mind. But sometimes it creeps back in and you feel guilty when it does.

In the end of that night, though, I went to bed with a weird feeling. It was a feeling of jealousy – a weird kind of jealousy. If a memorial service is a tribute to how you lived and who you touched, Tyrone’s was filled with more than 750 people -- people whom he admired and people who admired him. I started wondering what mine would be like. There was no way I could match him. Anyone with cancer who tells you they don’t think about their own mortality is lying through their teeth.

Where Am I Now?

This Tuesday, May 21st, is 6 years since I was diagnosed. This Friday, May 24th, I’ll hop downtown and get my latest treatment. We know the cancer is still in me; that hasn’t changed. But, generally speaking, we have it under control. Sometimes we have to deal with an issue here or there but it’s not creating life threatening problems.

I’ve been on the same drug trial since last year. I still go down to Sloan Kettering every 3 weeks for a 30-minute drug treatment. Two hours of work from the same hidden corner of the doctor’s office while they get the drug ready. I know all the nurses who have the Friday shift and they know me. Some of them even know the best places in my arms to start an IV line. The treatment doesn’t have any particularly problematic side effects. So, I’m not healthy but I’m not currently sick. It’s really more like a chronic condition.

For so long, cancer has been either something you’re cured of or something that kills you. More and more people like me are just living with it. Interferes with life, there are ups and downs, sometimes you need an extra treatment, or you ruin a perfectly nice flannel shirt. But, you live with it and you live your life.

At the bar after Tyrone’s funeral, I ran into his wife Beth. I had seen her throughout the day but had been avoiding her cause I didn’t think I could hold it together. Spoiler alert, I didn’t hold it together.

As we talked, she told me something that I truthfully already knew. She told me if I didn’t keep fighting to keep myself healthy and keep fighting to do what I wanted to be doing, that Tyrone would have kicked my ass.

p.s. If you have interest, learn more about the memorial scholarship fund in Tyrone’s memory and make a contribution. 

[luziflor]

Update (long post)

So I wouldnt say I was astral projecting today. Much more of lighly travelling up there and getting to some sort of inbetween spot between here and there, maybe?

Background: Years ago in my coven my mentor had us do a meditation exercise. We would visualize roots growing from where we stood, and tree branches growing up from us. It would lead you into a starry space, and she taught us to put up a ward and shield there. You would then travel into the tree to get to something that was supposed to be a personal temple, to meet with your deities and such. Not really the same as astral home. So im gonna like.... push it up there. Or something. Point is, I have a home thing already its just not really in the right location yet, but is close-ish maybe. Another problem i have with this though is that I used to be into thoughtforms. I had a few, and they had pet dragons. We had a lovely home with lots of wooded areas and a sea and everything. I could tell that one was strictly in my head at the time though, as I used to get severe headaches and even feel the energy in my brain severely shift. Thats a different story, but causes me to again question if im actually doing anything or just creating more thats only my brain (then again, ive heard of egregores being able to see egregores of others or travel to their homes.... ). Clearly, I have some things to work through.

About the home/temple that was already there - literally was created by 16 year old me after seeing an aesthetic pic on tumblr. Maybe I can find it again but I really doubt it. Anyways, the inside is light and dark blue marble. It has gold accents, and greek styled columns. The whole thing is really an old greek looking place. I recall I had a waterfall or something in there that would cause severe damage to a real house but I liked the look so it didnt bother me. There is a white greek statue of a woman in there but I could not tell you who it is. To the left there is an altar. The original was above a stone fireplace.

How its been updated: Same color scheme, theme, and random statue. The water feature was changed though, now its a small pond outside my house with a mini rock waterfall. Like for turtles. My altar is now a weird wooden desk bookshelf hybrid, that doesnt fit the theme at all. But its pretty. And I added a pet altar, it came to me as a wooden slab on metal legs or something, and it has wings that fold upward on it. Very cheesy but its a lovely piece, so I let it be. It has constant offerings of meat, water, and leaves or veggies to my passed away pets. I´ve also made it so they have a space where they can come and go as they please. I was also interacting with my deities and like uh hey guys u can make your own rooms if you want, just follow normal human rules. And I dont think any of them except Hecate did, and she did it immediately hahahah. But its not something I expected from her, though I am new to her as well. She made one that is kind of like a cave? And it had glowing amber light from the inside, and a gold metal accent piece at the top. She placed it very close to my altar but not rudely close. Apparently theres also a kitchen in there but its much more modern looking, and I got blocked from going in there (see below). I added new shields and wards, and a symbol appeared to me but its not related to any deity or anything. It came as I was setting up the shield and looking for sigils too. Its at a weird angle, a bunch of buildings mostly sky scrapers on a flat street. Below it are one line going down, and two lines attached to it with arrows or something going out. I would also like to point out that I huge painted ball python wrapped itself around my house, but it only came in images and energy I cant actually see it on the house.

Experience this time: Went in, established my being there. Looked around, was mostly the same as when I left it though some features such as my altar and water had been changed. Basically anything that worked with elements had disappeared really, or left behind a mild energy and base to build off of again. 

Welcomed in my deities to talk to them. Had a great meeting with Zeus, Poseidon, Lilith, and for the first time, Hecate (though I have interacted with her already).

Hecate was the first I greeted. She had her hair in a nice smooth updo, and looked like an oil painting. Im still working on visualization, she didnt move much  but I heard her speaking and felt the energy. She also had a golden bird metal band in her hair, which surprised me as well. Shes very nice so far, though i find it funny that she, mother of witches, had to put her room right next to my altar (which only has one side available). I thanked her for her work with me so far, especially as my oldest dog passed just recently, and I have another one whos young and sick now (he is much better today!).

Then was Lilith. When i first saw her, she was old and cranky but none the less friendly to me. Just kinda like a grandma with a temper. That had been in winter. Now as it is summer here (or spring? guate is weird), she came to me as a woman who had to be 19-early 20s. She had light olive skin, and swamp green eyes with slit pupils. She had brown loose curled hair that was every so slightly frizzy and very full. She was full human, but this time her body was super limber and a bit long like a snake. She was in a plain white dress, but it was like you could feel that her abdomen had a very specific shape that was like a snake. She was lovely, very kind, and patient with me as always. She is sweet but definitely has a jokester and teasing energy about her. After I left her, a huge californian king snake wrapped itself up around my shoulders just to chill, and I felt his scales moving across my shoulder. I havent held a snake in years, and I know for a fact my old cal king has died.

Next was Zeus. He is so much like a father figure to me, and he was very cheerful. Unfortunately because I havent really met up with him in a very long time, he looked to me like the animated Neptune from Little Mermaid. Yeeaah, sorry man. But he was fine none the less. We have a good relationship, he was glad to see me reaching out to them again. Even though I could not see him as he is for me, I could feel his energy. For me he is very hearty, and big. Its like santa clause with an attitude problem. (sorry pops)

Finally, Neptune/Poseidon. This one has been confusing for me as he presents himself to me as both. First it was more of Neptune, but now more of Poseidon. While Zeus is more like a father to me, Poseidon is the one that has all of my interests or is coincidentally related to weird things that happen to me. While Zeus has always been like a father, Zeus and I were more detached to begin with. But Poseidon was always the sweet uncle who related to what I liked and taught me valuable lessons. Today I saw him and felt him at the time, but once I was recording it in my journal I forgot almost everything about the experience other than it was super nice. 

There was some point where I had looked down, and noticed I had on partial armor in the color of gold on my legs and on my lower arms. Then I saw light dusty blue fabric draped over my arm, and more detail came from there. I was somehow wearing a stereotypical greek dress, but also bits of gold armor. I looked into a mirror and also saw that I had on a golden crown which felt a bit much in my tastes, but it was lovely so I kept it anyways! 

I saw my old dog Molly in there, though we didnt interact. Muffin, my recently passed, was there too. And I met up with her, and while I cant for sure say it was her it was good to have a few moments where I felt like I was playing with her again and hearing her weird snorts she makes when shes happy. My physical body had started crying after that. I could feel her bones again, if it was her shes happy but needs some serious vetting, which is probably the case anyways. Hopefully the offerings and me getting more experienced will help as time goes on. 

In my pet altar, I opened the drawer and found pictures. The only one I could really make out was one of my passed kitten, Possum. Possum had been a soul mate of a cat for me, ive never felt a connection like that before. And when he was passing away in the middle of the night across my whole house, I woke up for no reason not feeling tired at all. Then something told me to go outside because I had to go get him. He died a few hours after that, and im broken hearted to this day. 

At the beginning of this whole thing, I created an athame. Its based off of the ones they sell here but I have yet to actually get my hands on. Its made of metal and stone, and the tip of the handle has a tigers head. This one is a regular athame but I was immediately moved to make it into something to defend me from malicious spirits as well. I immediately slipped it into a knife holder that happened to be around my waist.

I was going to the kitchen, as my deities had left, there were no pets running around in there (maybe Muffin, but I had been interuppted in the physical world so our session broke off), so I was lonely and wanted to explore. I immediately felt blocked from going in there, and a black figure flew out at me. I felt just about nothing from this experience so I dont think that part was real (and I will go into more detail about this in a second). I grabbed my knife, stabbed it in the head, and the spirit was passed out or whatever for a second. I took it outside and realized I could removed the black around it, it was just cloth. It was what appeared to be some sort of white teenager, but the look of him really made me feel like he was not modern times. I dont know. Ive never seen him before either, and again, I didnt feel any panic from this at all. Only when i got blocked from the kitchen.

When I had egregores, I had a nice home for them. But in the upstairs I would hate going to because a black figure would come up to me. I would feel panic and even feel this in the physical realm sometimes. It is not around me anymore I dont think, or if it is, its only kept in my mind so its something personal I would assume. He was banished long ago, I changed their house, and didnt see him ever again. I questioned that experience at the time but it felt more real than the one I had earlier today. I dont know. 

Long story short- met up with the deities, Hecate had to put her room next to my altar, new guards up, snake things happened, might have killed a spirit but maybe nah, maybe hung out with my deceased dog for just a few seconds.

[seanmeverett]

Equation for ICO’s Expected Funding Level

With an Excel file and industry market map for separating success from failure

I. Setting the Stage

We’re going ever deeper into the ICO space here at The Mission and it’s child publication, Humanizing Tech. What started 6 months ago on The Base Code Fund’s investment into Ethereum as well as various conversations with a few knowledgeable players in the industry, from hedge funds to new ICO practitioners to even some folks building a new exchange, it’s always been our goal to open-source the knowledge and tools that we use.

Today we continue that tradition with a simple, new tool for you to gain at least a little bit of knowledge from.

After doing a number of Google searches and research over the last month, we had yet to come across a simple market map that lists out how many ICOs are in each specific industry vertical. For example, 17 in the finance space, 10 in the protocol layer, 2 in file storage, 3 in crowdfunding, etc.

The goal is to get a sense for what areas are being overpopulated with ICOs and which areas haven’t been touched yet (a lot).

It seems almost like there are parallels between the early internet where you’d have a listicle of hundreds of websites until it got to be too much and search was invented. And then, of course Google + ads = mountains of cash.

So, we started looking at various lists and figured we’d get started with the Smith + Crown, since they are viewed widely as reputable and have already done some curation of their own. We extracted their list into Excel and started running an analysis on it, which is what follows.

Note: please update me in the comments if you have better data you can cite on any of this. Here’s my ICO List Excel File should you want to continue the analysis.

II. ICO Funding Equation

From the data set we extracted there were a total of 200 recent ICOs (i.e., 2017-ish), both currently offering tokens and ones that had closed. I have a feeling Smith + Crown removed the scams and BS ICOs, which is why we don’t see a list of 800 total coins that I’ve read are currently being traded.

Out of these 200 ICOs, only 42 have raised anything meaningful (more than $200K). That means your probability of success if you do everything right technically, market yourself using a standard approach and have a decent team, is 1 in 5. That’s a 20% success rate.

To put this into perspective, a meaningful VC-backed Seed round, on average, is about $1M from PitchBook data. But the success rate, I can tell you from experience, takes much, much longer, requires much more tech and customer traction, and is far, far harder.

So, I’ll take a 1 in 5 probability of funding success any day of the week with far less up front work.

Data Source: http://ift.tt/2gcgVzT as of July 20, 2017

If you look at that graph of successful fundings above (in white), you’ll notice that it’s pretty much a straight line of revenue from $0 to $25M unless you are one of the Big 3 who raised approximately $230M, $150M, and $100M.

So that curve is what you often hear in the startup and VC industry. Everything follows a Power Law curve. That’s the picture above. A few massive winners, and then a bunch of smaller players.

For example, the bottom 42 companies raised $225M in total. That’s the same that the #1 company raised. Crazy, right? It’s also the same if you add #2 and #3 together. Again, about $250M.

So, the #1 company raised about $250M. The #2 and #3 companies together raised about $250M. And the rest of the group (#4 through #45) raised about $250M. Then everyone else raises zero.

So if you raise some type of money, you have a 3 in 45 (or 1 in 15) chance of hitting a home run or grand slam. Call it 5% probability. Still not bad compared to the standard startup / VC funding game.

That’s because of human behavior. We’re lemmings. Like 5-year olds playing soccer, everyone is running around chasing the same ball. It’s the same thing playing out in public company stocks.

The top 5 tech companies together have a $3 trillion market value (Apple, Amazon, Facebook, Microsoft, Alphabet). Took them decades to get there, but they did it. Compare that to less than $1B market value for these recent ICOs.

The Equation. So now to the fun part, if you’re interested in STEM. The power-law regression line that predicts the amount you’re going to raise on this curve.

The r-squared is about 0.5, which is pretty good because a perfect correlation would be 1 and no correlation would be 0. But, you can tell just by looking at the chart with your eyes that it’s the right fit. (By the way, do you know that this is considered Artificial Intelligence? Yah, kinda funny when you see it like this right? Not so scary.)

y = 2E+09x^-2.369

y is your total capital raised

2E+09 is a shorthand for 2x10⁹ or 2 with 9 zeroes behind it

x^-2.369 is where you input where you think you are going to fall along that 1 through 45 company line. So enter a number, 1 or 2 or 3 etc. That part is up to you based on your confidence of an ICO.

The actual equation predicts a company could raise $2 billion if you follow the curve out up and to the left. As so:

Which means we haven’t seen nothin’ yet for that white line of reality. But it also means that it’s only going to be 1 company who does it. And that means it’s likely going to be a full stack coin, from protocol layer (think HTTP on the web), through transmission layer (think URLs on the web), to enterprise enablement layer (think Facebook’s platform for business ads) to consumer layer (think Snapchat itself).

A tool, raised to the power of a tool, raised to the power of a tool, raised to the power of a tool.

Don’t forget, Ethereum started life as an ICO but it’s also the underlying technology enabling all these other ICOs. Like the backbone of the internet itself that you can invest in directly.

It’s ICO was only $18M if memory serves, but its current market cap is $20B. That’s in only 3 years.

To put that liquid valuation into perspective, AirBnB (the 2nd most highly funded startup of all time behind Uber) is currently only valued at about $30B after a decade.

So an ICO is growing 3x faster than one of the best startups to ever do it for some really technical protocoly something or other that very few understand compared to freaking hotels.

We’re not just in the first inning, we’re still in the first at bat.

III. The Market Map

The next step in any type of analysis like this is to start to identify the types of projects that are successful and compare them to the types that are not. In doing some, we can begin to develop a gut feel for what has a higher probability of success and what doesn’t.

As we look through the 45 companies that have been successful in 2017, a few things become immediately clear:

Protocol stuff is raising the most money. That’s because it’s still early days and the big problems are about building out infrastructure. That’s why EOS (parallel processing and scalability around transaction speed) raised so much so quickly and put them in the #1 spot.

The next big area is platforms. The ole startup platform play. Today, if you’re not a platform, yer nuthin’. So, we’re going to see platforms for everything start to play out. And then, a platform for platforms. Oy. It’s going to get messy.

The last area we’re seeing is the emergence of consumer-based coins. Something directly related to everyday people. It’s very small, and emerging, but as we know from the rest of the tech industry, the consumer side always creates the most value. It’s not the OLED display maker who is gaining all the profits, but rather Apple with the fully integrated iPhone.

I have an idea for one in the consumer space that I think makes a whole ton of sense that we’ve seen play out time and time again. It all comes back to human emotion. In this case, ego. But we’ll wait and see if someone comes up with the idea, the right approach, and executes on it.

Here’s my ICO List Excel File should you want to continue the analysis.

IV. Helping with Marketing ICOs

I spend a bit of my time as an Entrepreneur in Residence at The Mission and one idea we had that we’re still doing customer development on is whether people would be interested in reaching The Mission’s core audience to market their ICO to a totally new section of the millennial population (not the overly technical early adopters who already visit all the forums).

If so, get in touch so we can chat about any problems you’ve been having and whether you see an opportunity for yourself. A bit on our reach:

Media Presence

2,600,000 page views per month

2,000,000 unique readers per month

360,000 social followers and growing

3,300 hours spent per day reading our stories

220,000 subscribers receive our email newsletter

Audience Demographics

Highly educated, influential leaders

55% men, 45% women

50% have a HHI of $100K+

67% between the ages of 21–49

266% more likely than the average US news reader to have attended graduate school

200% more likely than the average US news reader to have a HHI of $200K+

Full transparency: we are talking to one group about this already who is enabling a number of ICOs through their platform and are one of the successes in the list above.

— Sean Everett

Your Recommended Reading

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Equation for ICO’s Expected Funding Level was originally published in The Mission on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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