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sometimes i think it's just scary to open up like that. to say how you really feel
#it has simply been too long since i did any will art. smh#so here we are. ive just been doing a little on this every morning before work fsdgfgf but today was my day off so i had time to Finish it#will byers#stranger things#stranger things 4#stranger things season 4#sam draws shit#byler#<- target audience
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oh btw i just got one of those big ass monstera plants today :) shes quite small still but !!! yay !!!
#ill show her off in the morning#too dark rn#ive had one of those small ones for a bit as well :)#so its nice to have both#anyways i am not posting this at 2:12 am#who would even be awake at that hour? not me i sleep when darkness descends on us#im just having a snack before i go to sleep#bc im really really hungry#bc its been a while since dinner#i gotta remember to have some icecream tomorrow#bc my brother always eats all of it before i even get to have any#but theres still a bunch rn#i was going to do read in a park i really like#that is a whole train ride away#so idk if that goes with the icecream#ill figure it out in the final hour#yknow a guy once told me im really good at talking to myself#bc it was in a vc but like i was the only one who felt comfortable actually talking#everyone else went into it expecting to be the only one who didnt want to#so it was just me & a bunch of people sending messages#quite fun actually#i wouldnt call that talking to myself though#anyways getting off track#i was just thinking how i enjoy rambling in the tags often & that reminded me of that situation#i finished my snack goodnight yall#mine
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hello everybody i know i was gone for a little bit but i am back and I have lots to say
#SHINGEKI FLY GOT HERE!!! ILL SHOW THAT OFF SOON because i havent had the chance to open the box yet#i was with mr forest for the last like 30 hours skebjwje#minus the last 4 cause i had to go back to work :[#BUT IVE ALSOOO gotten almost all my pc parts!!!!#Im just waiting on the gpu!!! im so excited i have everything stacked under my desk#the case is HUGE TOO AHHHH im so happy#And another few things: im gonna quit my job in like 6 weeks#im getting waxed again tomorrow morning#and my insides are even more bruised#ALSO WE STARTED WATCHING MY HERO TOGETHER :]] IM SO HAPPY#we still gotta finish naruto but its a struggle with the pacing 😭😭#still love it though….#im yappin a lot ill go back to my pizza now
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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i WAS gonna complain about horror being a skeleton and therefore never able to do the akanbe face but then i remembered. i'm an artist!! i can just DRAW him doing it 😇😇😇 ok but he doesn't have eyelids iKNOW ill figure it out ok
#im going on a short vacation that means prime time to slack off and mtthink#and i have some drawing ideas froM LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO that i never drew because i had no motivation or even time#so now i can do it :3333 lets (me) see if i still even like the ideas#and i have Saturday and sunday and mondayOFFschool and then i leave on wednesday morning ヽ(≧∀≦)ﾉ#and that gives me prime time to draw draw DRAW#and theres like 20 days left of October i really should get to work on that animation meme#i WILL trust i swear#if not i kill myself#jk! (fashion au?)#ive been using kaomojis now. jk killer would too#ヽ(≧∀≦)ﾉ#me taking like a whole week on a shitty hrkl little writing thing when it was leagues easier to just describe my idea#i REALLY had a vision and then i was reminded that writing is boring and that a vision expressed through words cant keep my attention#anyways i finished another little dust doodle of a song that reminded me of him#now it is time to actually get my life together and shower and brush teeth#the only homework ive got is reading a few pages#i have been ON TOP OF MY HOMEWORK since school started bro😭😭😭😭 ive been SUCH a good student 😭😭😭😭#so much free time at home and yet none of it is spent on doing anything but laying down and lazing about#come on! come on! you need to get up! use your brain! PLEASE TRIGLYVERUVLE PLEASE FOR YOUR OWN ENTERTSINMENT#forcing myself to do something i find fun when i have no motivation to get up is so annoying#iWANT to draw iWANT to think i WANT to write (eh) but i just nonono feel like it (༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)#tricule rant#actually today i found another song that could fit horror but i just glanced at the lyrics#if i aint mtt pondering at the very least ill be connecting them to songs#new art project is gonna have HINTS of mtt in it. not really but if im aware of them then they exist#i love art class i love learning about art principles i just wish i could apply that shit to my work#well DIGITAL work. doing stuff traditionally always feels so much easier
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hi tumblr im pyrr pyrriax and im in my trimonthly artist arc, lord help me and all the projects that are currently sitting in my drafts while i am lured in by the siren song of drawing
#haunted ecosystem#this is not helping with how much my hands hurt on a daily basis this is why i type and dont handwrite/draw very much.#im lured in regardless and i really need to find an artform that doesnt Hurt but for now. digital art <3#like theres a difference between my dumb doodles (quick easy not much different from regular computer usage) and actual art#but im an artist at heart i spent sooooo long being an artist and thinking i was shit at writing. that is wrong! im actually kinda good#im rambling in tags today because i have been not social (my partner is in genshin hell and my beloved is. somewhere.)#okay but on another note i reread the first. couple chapters of wtds this morning? the pacing is a little weird and the tense is fucked#but its actually a lot better than i thought it was? you can tell i was fleshing everybody out in my head and i totally forgot about how#i described the watcher [who i am STILL redacting the name of until we get there] and just. ough. pandora being very logical#and then jumping to the latest chapter and fucking sobbing because i forgot about how it went and just. pandora and his.#whatever the fuck is wrong with him.#i have gotta start recommending people read that again. its surprisingly friendly without context because of how i approached it#that fic has taught me so many things its actually a little comical. it also made me relearn how to make and write ocs so thats fun#once i finish that main fic (and i WILL i am actually planning to sign up for a thing. im finishing it i swear.) i finally get to show off#more of the world and characters ive crafted. showing backstories and what-ifs and all these oneshots ive been keeping close to my chest#for like absolutely ages because i dont want any spoilers on my tumblr#and. im finishing that fic in pseudo-memoriam of somebody who deleted their accounts everywhere. still miss you dane!#ok this has completely gone off topic ily tumblr im going back to drawing and i might make a new pfp#it'll still be lavius but it'll be fray lavius since i think about him a lot and i like his color palette.
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playing around with the romance scene mod and shri'iia's braid laying on her hip ............omfg............ok rapunzel...............!!!!!!!
#now i want to draw this................i dont think ive properly drawn long braid/pre oathbreaking/lolth stan shri'iia .......#ive sketched her but never finished anything as per my usual#ive hc that she likes clutching on her braid or its just wrapped around her sometimes#also her braid has a bunch of smaller braid weaving into it. like it's supposed to look like a spider's web but i think as time goes on#it gets progressively plainer bc she doesnt have enough time to sit down and braid the whole thing loool#then it gets chopped off anyway. but post alien abduction her braid was pretty elaborate#and the Paladin Outfit looking shiny and new... like its so very clear she got it recently#but anyway tiefling party i think she'll have her hair down. or maybe not bc i like the idea that astarion just untangles it. or he pulls#the tie off and her hair just gradually unravels while theyre rolling around on the grass like a couple of rats#but morning after her hair is loose and it's actually so very long and wavy..! and it's pooled around her/covering her bits while he's ther#sunbathing bc idk why he couldnt be bothered to give her a blanket lmfao. and i think after that scene i like the idea that she goes off to#wash up but actually she's just standing in the middle of the lake staring at her reflection#and that's when everything is slowly dawning on her that she's been forsaken and she's!! panicking..!!!#but from the outside pov she's just standing at the middle of the lake staring at the water#naked with her big ass hair pooling around her like tendrils#shut up about bg3.
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say what u want abt my ex but we rly peaked going to a halloween party as kaneda akira (me) and shin dorohedoro (them). fucking nerds <3
#they made shins heart mask out of papier mache it was sickening..n i embroided kanedas jacket >:)#it was mostly an animation student party so a lot of ppl recognised mine but sadly not many ppl got theirs....#just remembering it bc reading dorohedoro n man shins design is so fucking cool#if we were gonna go again id do noi. regardless of the dysphoria LOL i reckon i could pull it off. i dont have long hair anymore tho#actually no thats a lie id do caiman bc itd be so fun to make his mask. maybe i should do that this year hmmm#itd be fun to give myself an event-based project. ive always wanted to make a mask for somsnosa hylics too#cuz shes my discord icon.... mmm much to think abt#ANYWAY#gonna finish reading.this chapter and then get dressed and make a start on chores while my meds r working#n then i have my med delivery around lunch n we're gonna watch othello this afternoon....#and after that we'll see. i should watch the new dr who ep this morning too looool#jittery with excitement for iwtv ep tomorrow muahahahhaahaa. crazy how they make shows which are good sometimes#.diaries
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everything sucks so hard rn idk
#mischa isnt eating again all while screaming because shes hungry and pulling every single piece of plastic out of my shelves#all my bags straps and backpacks have saliva stains from her#she will jump into shelves and pull out dvds to lick#and there's no other food i can try#my paycheck lacks 500 euro because i was sick and im still 200 euro in the red after getting my paycheck today#and tomorrow is the tooth surgery and ive been trying to call my dentist because he only applied for 2 of 3 teeth#at my insurance#and these 2 will be over 1k already after my insurance will pay their part#at least the sedation isnt as strong as i thought so i can go home by myself and dont have to rely on any unreliable people#after my mom accused me of making mischa have diarrhea on purpose because the food company changed the recipe and i gave her 1 bag#she hasnt talked to me and im definitely not going to be the one to start a conversation with her because im usually better off without her#so its nice that i dont have to ask her for her assistance tomorrow#just gonna do everything alone like usual#also work is so UUUGGGHHHHH and sucks so hard all my coworkers ignore what i say and just go to other people behind my back to do my job#im stress eating so much all my favorite clothes dont fit anymore and i hate looking in the mirror#i wanna go swimming but i just dont have the energy i just wanna curl up and dont have a body#also i have a comic idea written down for several months now and i wanna finish it for mothers day but i feel so discouraged#wehh#im also so stressed i clawed so much at my face its full of bloody spots i look so bad#every morning my neighbors i dont even share a wall with turn on their super broken washingmachine at 7 am#and it sounds so broken and its so loud it sounds like someone is drilling a hole into the wall for 40 -120 ?>#mins#i haven't been able to sleep properly for like a month#when i go into work everyone is just like oof you dont look good#thanks i know
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its that time of the night
#and the year.#really makes me feel like summer especially middle school and before#completely isolated from all my friends panic attacks every time the sun went down hiding from my mom trying to block out screaming as#best i could staying up til dawn drinking dr pepper stealing my moms books listening to my dads cds stealing chocolate chips and eventually#wine from the kitchen puking in the bathroom reading the perks of being a wallflower goinf out for bike rides in the early morning walking#to the library and collapsing on the way home cause i hadnt eaten in 2 days walking past the church holding a knife in one hand#biking because i just knew there was somebody waiting to kill me dying my hair three times begging for escape from the monotony making#friends on twitter and discord in bad places getting attention from strangers for my relationship with a razor blade staying up all night#for the quiet because i needed to be alone because i couldnt sleep to feel something besides numbness getting yelled at for keeping my room#messy and crying thinking about people knowing i was eating finding a book that made me happy and knowing that once i finished it id#return to awful numbing boredom nothing could fix god ive typed a lot#sorry im feeling nostalgic about feeling bad and summer has always been one of many low points in the year for me#anyways ✌️#dw about me im actually in a really good place mentally rn i just. am worried for how long itll last#and quite scared about getting taken off my antidepressants tbh#bug shut up#delete later#Youtube
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[ID: Two side-by-side digital full body drawings of the same girl. She is white with a semi-opened mouth smile, and is wearing purple eyeshadow. Her hair is mint green and tied up in a half-up/half-down shoulder length hairstyle with space buns and bangs. She is fat, wearing a lavender long sleeved skater cut dress that hugs her figure. The dress has contrasting white stitching details. She is wearing white knee-high platform boots with black netting accent panels. She has fishnet stockings and grey and orange compression knee braces on. Finally, she has on three glow stick bracelets and matching glow stick earrings. To the right is the same drawing, but as if she is under a black light. Her skin, makeup, and hair are all darker with bright teal highlights. Her dress is now a more vibrant purple magenta color, and the contrast stitching are now a luminescent teal. The platforms are that same magenta color, and underneath the netting panels is now teal. The glow sticks shine brighter and have a noticeable glow. End ID.]
The true cure to body dysmorphia is to draw urself looking cute in clothes you are too poor to own 😭
I think owning these boots would fix me
[ID: An image of white “Shaker-70” knee-high platform boots from Demonia, as described in the initial drawing. End ID.]
THEY GLOW IN THE FUCKING DARK. They are $116. Crying.
#my art tag#artists on tumblr#this dress does not exist btw like i for sure though it did but i can not find one that looks the same#so i guess i will just have to relearn how to sew :/#ive been drawing this as stress relief on and off the last few days and i like it hi#i had a migrane this morning so i finished this up with my free time#self tag
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If anyone's in the market for an official 2023 SPN calender I am now the proud owner of 3 courtesy of myself, @drunknoah and my mum. Fuck me.
#i bought myself one purely bc the 2021 one was comically bad and i missed the laugh we had flipping it every month#clearly beth had the same idea for me and my mum had heard me mention needed a new calender so was trying to get me a nice suprise#so now i have three!#i thought about putting one up at work but theres no chance im risking a conversation about spn with my very normal coworkers#also can we talk about the cover bc whats going on there lads? S6 Ssmmy S2ish dean that black trenchcoat cas that they use on EVERYTHING#and then crowley front and centre#dont get me wrong i love crowley but its such a weird cover#ive purposefully not looked at the months other than january just to make sure it was bad and it looks like its quotes from the show along#with the pictures so we're in for a treat every month godbless#i almost choked laughing last week when i got the one from beth so unwrapping the one this morning from my mum almost finished me off
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.
#i h a t e being diabled i hate being in pain i hate that no one takes my pain seriously#im in so much fucking pain my work decided to put me on floor duties for 3.5 days in a row (4 but i begged to go on till halfway today)#aka running back and forth up and down stairs bending over to picl up rubbish and dragging bin bags outside for hours on end#my sensory issues get worse when im in pain i nearly clawed my arm off yesterday cause someone was rythmically clicking on both hands#im so tired emotionally and physically nothing interests me qnymore ive been looking forwatd to good omens for months qnd i have no energy#to actuallly finish it#i just wanna sleep but im too fucking sore and even if i could it doesnt even help i felt exhausted this morning qfter 13 hours sleep#knowing i have two days off then back jn for a 5.5 and a 7 hour shift on wednesday and thursday#i wanna stop i wanna give up but i have to work to be worth anything in my family
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...
#i feel like im trapped in a nightmare rn. like ten min ago i was working on this application#so im summarizing information from an already established project design with no fucking idea if they is the way they want it#knowing im probably doing too much bc the guy was like yea just throw some of these ideas together. like what the fuck do u mean??? u just#gave me the project outline fuck u. and im listening to discordant dreamy vaporwave music and my boss is texting me like#did u reach out to ur last co author abt reading thru ur manuscript bc apparently i misunderstood when she said she last talked to him abt#when he could read it. its due on tuesday. which is also when im traveling home#so fucking i guess i have to hope he looks at it Monday so i cant actually edit in time to submit it that next morning or the night after#i land and get home and hope to god there arent any setbacks in submission#and it feels like a nightmare bc ive managed somehow push myself back to the brink of collapse. im exhausted despite sleeping like 10hrs#last night. at least its raining so i dont have to go sampling tomorrow#im just so tried. this application feels pointless and a waste of time bc i have these fucking manuscripts hanging around my neck. but i#said id apply so im fucking doing it. its close to done. ill finish it tonight but god at what cost#a little more than 48hrs and ill b home. assuming nothing terrible happens. home but not quite off the hook i guess#i just wanna lay on the floor for a while. lay on the floor and sleep for a while#my brain is too heavy for my head#unrelated
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snow mesa, colorado trail, july 2022
#the final stretch on my horrible starvation mode sprint to lake city#ive fucked up on food before but never like this and im never letting it happen again (lying)#i met a lady in the morning on the mesa and kind of hiked out with her and she offered me fritos but i was like no im just gonna see it#through to the road at this point and no i couldn't keep up with her#oh her name was pom pom!! and she had a son in like a phd program she told me abt his work but i cant remember.#anyways just for the record i had a lil afternoon meal and no dinner and then a little handful of trail mix for breakfast and then NOTHING#until the next morning where i had a single pack of lifesaving cold soaked quaker oatmeal. and i got to town that afternoon#and idk how that sounds to you but i honest to god felt like i got hit by a fucking truck#EVERYTHING hurt#the second morning i got out of breath just from packing up my tent#its the closest i have ever gotten to quitting a trail. there was a side trail i almost dipped out on that would have gotten me to town#sooner but long story short i thought it was gonna get me too far off schedule to finish on time#so i stuck it out!!! and im proud of that!!#i really cannot overstate the suffering my muscles were ripping up and eating themselves and i couldnt get enough AIR#THE TORTURES!!!!! BUT I HAD A BAG SALAD AND A PINT OF CHUNKY MONKEY BEN AND JERRY'S WHEN I GOT TO TOWN!!!!!#tag journal#trail posting#colorado trail#CT#oh you can see pom pom if you zoom in on the first pic. she was actually doing the whole CDT in sections#she told me a whole lot of drama abt her journey and some other girls she was hiking with#middle aged and old women dirtbags on long distance trails youre the coolest#i wanna be just like you when i grow up. freaks (honorific)
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there is something so special about self fulfilling prophecies
#txt#i woke up early this morning to take advantage of the good weather after the hurricane left#because i tried to get a skate in yesterday. failed miserably. and made it a maintenance day instead. and had to adjust my wheels.#anyways everyone else thought that as well because there was a lot more people on my route than usual so early in the morning#and i was like 3/4ths of the way through my route and there was this really pretty woman with preformance fans that were flowing so prettily#in the high winds with a cute traditional dress dancing and then i promptly ate shit staring at her because i was trying to slow down#but the winds knocked me off balance and i couldnt catch myself in time because of said staring and realised a little too late she was#filming and she finished her dance stopped filming and turned to me in utter disbelief as she smiled like#YOU COULD JUST PASS BY??? YOU DONT NEED TO STOP??? because she thought i stopped because i didnt want to mess up her video#and i didnt have the heart to tell i only noticed after i was kneeling on the floor waiting for her to finish that i even saw her tripod#and i was like nono!! youre good its okay!!! im okay 👍!!! and scuttled off and went honestly this is what i get for wearing the tank#i got at pride today of all days like this one is on me ive fufilled the prophecy i never wear it out because the sun is a ferocious thing#and the last time i did my shoulders burned pretty bad even with sunscreen but i had a hoodie ontop because it was windy today#and i thought oh its fine itll be fine. chat never change your habits and routines. superstitions are real. and the gods will punish you.#anyways why self fulfilling prophecy. well if you guessed the tank had the best buy logo but instead of “buy” it replaces it with “bi”#youd be correct. and also the disaster bi allegations are very strong with this one.#anyways im think im just afflicted with dumb shit happening when im in the middle of the route because last time a guy did chat me up#while i was resting and invited me back to his hotel room after i yapped his ear off about the pantrs#and i didnt say it but i did turn it down because... the cats were playing in like 2 hours so...#or like that other time-#okay you know what i do have to stop
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