#ive had this scheduled since the day after christmas

[jostystyles]

this mad love makes you come running | jh

a/n: me posting a fic? who'd have thought! this is my entry for the eras tour fic challenge hosted by @comphy-and-cozy and @wyattjohnston ! i was assigned i wish you would (taylor's version). ive never written for jack before and i felt as if this song fits him perfectly and this was born. thanks to c and demi for hosting <3

word count: 2.1k

2:07 AM

The bolded white lettering of the clock on Jack’s dashboard shone at him as he glanced at it, the clicking of his turn signal drowning out the low volume of Stick Season that played through his speakers. As he rounded the corner, his chest tightened with a sense of a feeling he couldn't quite figure out. Coming into view was the street he grew up on, where he played street hockey with his brothers, the pond that would freeze over in the winters that they’d skate on for hours until their cheeks were numb. But before he arrived at his family home, he passed a house that brought back a feeling he knew. Guilt. As the memories started reeling through his mind, his foot let up on the gas slightly as his headlights crossed the yard. Illuminated was the front door his fist had knocked on too many times to remember. His knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel so hard, releasing pressure as he let a soft sigh fall from his lips. Jack’s heart told him to turn into the driveway, but he thought to himself, no. It’s in the past. That was his problem. The past. Something he can’t change, but he yearned to fix. Swallowing the guilt, he continued on to pass a few houses before pulling into the driveway of his parents home. He shook Luke awake lightly before exiting the car. Grabbing the bag out of his backseat, he let himself look towards the window down the street he used to throw snowballs at, seeing a dim light glow through the curtains. He threw his bag over his shoulder and crept quietly into the house, the darkness guiding him to the bedroom he once occupied when he lived there. Baggage discarded to the ground and stripped to just his sweats, he climbed under the cold covers and unlocked his phone, opening his contacts. His thumb hovered over the one he wanted, and pressed it quickly before staring at the blinking blue cursor trying to think of what he wanted to say. He hadn’t reached out since that night, when he was hung up on and he threw his phone across the room with salty tears streaming down his face silently. I can’t. She hates me. He thought to himself, before locking his phone and tossing it onto the bedside table, rolling over and waiting for sleep to overtake him and free his mind of the memories running through it. 

2:07 AM

(Y/N) glanced at the clock that sat on the desk next to her, wondering who the hell is driving down her street with those stupid LED lights this late, and why the hell they were going so slow. Shadows appeared on the wall across from her window, and she knew exactly who it was as hs he thought back to a conversation she had with her neighbor yesterday. It was Jack. The thought of him pulled at her heartstrings, just like it did when Ellen mentioned he’d be home for a few days, the Devil’s schedule giving them a few days to take maintenance and drive home. (Y/N) tried to play off the way her body was shaking was due to the bitter Michigan cold that came with the holiday season, and not the fact that just the mention of Jack’s name sent a chill through her bones. Did his mom even know? Did she know that for the past 6 months her middle son and his best friend hadn’t spoken because they had crossed the line that was once rising and crooked but fell straight down? Did she know that (Y/N) still loved him after he broke her heart? She probably didn't. So she put on a smile and said she looked forward to seeing him at the Christmas party. Blinking back to reality, (Y/N) sighed and picked up her phone. The email was still pulled up that contained her lease agreement to the apartment she just signed in Brooklyn. If things went the way she wanted, she’d have told him the second she signed it because in reality, she missed him too much to be mad anymore. She wanted badly to remember what they were fighting for, and why it turned into Jack telling her he didn't want to see her anymore and they needed to go back to being friends. She hung up the phone too quickly to give him a chance to explain. The reality of it was that neither of them knew if they could even call each other that. Friends. (Y/N) didn't realize how fast her heart was pounding until one of her cats jumped into her lap with an inquisitive purr. Giving her a pet, she sighed and opened the contact she hadn’t touched since that day 6 months ago. Just ask him. Swallowing her nerves, she pressed the call button and put the phone to ear. It rang a few times before going to voicemail. “Yo, its Jack. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you” Hearing his voice, she inhaled before letting herself talk. 

Jack couldn't sleep. He was tired, but his body wanted otherwise. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he grabbed his phone and almost choked on the breath he didn't know he was holding when he saw a notification he never thought he'd see again. 

(Y/N) <3 voicemail 10 min. ago

Hands shaking, he clicked on it and the voice he had been longing to hear started speaking. “Hey, Jack. It’s uh, (Y/N). I saw your mom yesterday when I got to my parents. She told me you and Luke were coming home for a few days. I’ll uh, be here too until a little after Christmas. Um, I know this is like, probably not anything you were expecting but uh, if you wanna talk I’d really like that. Just let me know.” 

He couldn't bring himself to do anything but stare at the screen for a few seconds, before opening his texts and typing out a message. Hey, got ur voicemail. Meet at the pond in 10? If ur still awake. The bubble appeared that she was typing almost instantly. see you there. His heart almost exploded out of his chest as he scrambled out of bed, grabbing his Devil’s hoodie and tossing on his beanie. He crept quietly down the stairs, trying to not fall because his joints felt like jello. Coat and boots on, he let the door click shut behind him as he walked through his backyard. A million thoughts were going through his brain as he walked the path to the park in the neighborhood where the pond was. Don't mess this up. He reprimanded himself. The snow crunching under his boots, he stopped in his tracks as he approached the pond. (Y/N) stood by the streetlamp, the soft yellow glow illuminating her features. Jack’s heart leapt and his body felt warm. She was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. Her hands were shoved in the pockets of her puffer coat, the earmuffs he bought her in New York covering her ears. He smiled softly. Was it a good sign she didn't throw away something he gave her? Forcing himself to move, he walked towards her. 

“You look freezing.” A voice pulled (Y/N) from her thoughts, as she’d been staring at the giant analog pole clock that read 2:43 AM. Jack always knew how to push her buttons, especially with his stupid little chirps. “I’m sweating right now actually. Very warm.” She chirped back.  

“Hi.” he said, big blue eyes looking up at her. He was nervous, she could tell. His shoulders were hunched over and he has a look about him that resembled a dog with it’s tail between it’s legs. 

“Hey. “ She replied, giving him a soft smile as if to say, This isn’t a fight. You're ok.

“I'm really glad you called. Sorry I didn't answer right away. I’m sorry.” He said, shifting his weight back and forth. (Y/N) had a feeling that the second apology didn't have to do with the message she left. 

“Its okay, Jack.” 

He looked at her, seeing the (Y/E/C) of her eyes for the first time in what felt like forever. It took everything he had to keep his feet planted where they were and not to jump into her arms and start sobbing. Instead, he swallowed the tears he knew were bound to fall and nodded at her, a sign she took to start talking. 

“I wish I never hung up the phone like I did that day. I should've let you explain yourself. I deserved an explanation. You told me you didn't want me anymore, and I just shut down. We were doing so good, J. I mean we had finally figured out whatever the fuck had been going on between us for years and then all of a sudden you acted like none of it was true. Can’t you imagine how fucked up that is? How shitty I felt? I was so in love with you, and we were fighting over something stupid, and then you just fucking break my heart our of nowhere.” 

Jack shook his head so fast it might as well have fallen off his shoulders. “No, no. I never said I didn't want you. I’ll always want you.” 

“Then why did you forget about me? Why didn't you call me back and tell me?” She retorted, stepping towards him. 

“I’ll never forget you as long as I live. I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I never would've said all those things.” Jack replied, his frozen hands reaching out to wipe the tears falling from her eyes. 

“Then why did you say them, J?”

The nickname only she ever called him made his heart soar. “Because I was trying to push you away. When we were just friends, I knew I could never lose you. And then when we started seeing each other over the summer, I knew it was going to kill me if it ever ended. I love you so much that it terrifies me, and so I figured that if I shut you out before it got too serious it would hurt less. Especially because you still live here, and I’m in Jersey. I’d be too selfish to always wish you were with me. I’m a fucking idiot. You did deserve an explanation, and I was too caught up in my own self loathing to give you one. I figured having you hate me was better than letting you love me and then one day realizing you don’t.” By now, they were both crying, Jack’s hands still caressing (Y/N)’s face and her gloved hands resting on his hips. 

“You’re so fucking dumb, Rowdy. I could never hate you. You're the love of my life. I was so afraid you found someone else and didn't want me. I should have reached out.” 

“No. No. There's never been anyone else. I could never love anyone else. Not while I love you.” 

Silence fell between them for a moment. “You still left.” (Y/N) spoke. 

“I know. You see me in a way no one else does. And you love me for who I am, like the real Jack Hughes. Not the Jack Hughes everyone else sees. That’s, I think, a part of why I did it. I was terrified of you leaving me. So I left first. And I’m sorry. I want you. I wish you would know that.” 

“I do Jack. I wish you would've told me that from the start. You deserve love, no matter how scared it makes you. Stop thinking about if it doesn't work out, and think about if it does.”

He pressed his forehead to hers, lips brushing ever so slightly. “I love you, I’m sorry.” 

“I know, baby. I love you too.” She kissed him. It was full of force, like it would be the last. 

Jack sighed into it, thinking back to the summer when he kissed her for the first time. It was a warm summer night by the lake. Now, it was a snowy frozen night but the warmth of her lips would be a feeling he’d never grow tired of. 

6 hours later, when Luke woke up and walked past Jack’s room to see them embraced and fast asleep, he smiled to himself, glad he suggested they return home for a few days.

tagging: @wineauntie @2manytabsopen @lam-ila @fallinallincurls @laurenairay @ilyasorokinn @senditcolton @cellythefloshie

[areislol]

A time to tell

► PAIRINGS. genshin men x gn! creator! reader

► GENRE. sagau, reverse isekai, domestic life/slice of lofe, explicit/sexual (18+ for the nsfw chapters) themes.

SYNOPSIS. albedo created a machine where it would bring back their creator, who was stuck in another world, back to where they belong. but instead of bringing you here to them, it brought them to you.

WARNINGS. eventual smut, harem, angst with comfort.

STATUS. on going//i will try to update as fast and best as i can but i do procrastinate a lot so.. i do have school and work to do so updates may be a bit slow.. i will try my best though!! i do not have a specific update time, i just update whenever I finish a chapter so please bear with me, i wish i had an allocated timetable or something but i just can't fit that into my schedule (posting on a specific time).

EXTRA. i started this series because i needdd to feed my love for reverse isekai fics and i saw that there werent a lot so i was like !!! why not create my own? also, the chapters that had NSFW content in them will have the 🔞 logo beside the chapter name.

- reader is in college (has a part time job)

TAGLIST. open

> RECOMMENDED SONGS WILL BE INCLUDED IN THE CHAPTERS <

“y/n, we will be here for you for however you want us to be, we will leave even if you asked us to just please, please don’t leave us.”

chapter index

i. chapter one - the start of it all

◇─where you find yourself in a room with 24 handsome men, the thing is.. you know them from the popular game that you even played and spent hundreds of money on.. genshin impact!

ii. chapter two - the morning after

◇─the morning after everything had happened, you decided to do a little bonding session.. which was by watching your favourite movies with them of course!

iii. chapter three - a shopping spree

◇─you decide to go shopping to buy some things for you and the men, you bond by watching movies with them and playing UNO.

iv. chapter four - "you really took took care of us, huh?"

◇─a couple days goes by after meeting the men, all is going good, your daily routine has changed, and the fact that you start work tomorrow too doesn't help anything at all.

v. chapter five - Back to work

◇─you have to return back to work after having your days off, little did you know you would find out something that would absolutely make you feel at unease and that would make you paranoid forever.

MINI FIC - Merry christmas! (wait why are we supposed to say that again?)

◇─celebrate christmas with them!!

vi. chapter six - The stalker

◇─not in a million years did you expect to ever get yourself a stalker, how did you? no idea. but with the sudden help of a woman she manages to find a way to catch the stalker. will you and your friends or well, the men, see her ever again, and will they meet for the good or bad?

vi. chapter seven - A walk in the park

◇─deciding that it has been quite some time since the men went out, you take them out to a park and have a picnic, bonding time if you will.

viii. chapter eight - Credit where it's not due

◇─you finally have some time to understand elisa, and to be honest, you aren't sure if you and her get along.

MINI FIC - A New Year’s With You

◇─happy new years!!

[justlikeheavenfest]

passes for just like heaven are on sale now - lock in for as low as 50% or $49.99 down today… heaven’s a few clicks away!

[whatitsdecending]

Chokehold: Pt. VIII

Vessel x Reader x Noah Sebastian

Word Count: 5.1k

A New Year’s Eve party makes an extremely tense situation even worse as old faces are shown and old wounds are reopened.

Content warning: smut, angst, drinking, toxicity

—————————

New Year's Eve rolled around and so did the start of you getting back into work mode. Starting the week of the New Year, you went back on tour with Bad Omens and were going to be for a month as they toured Europe; first as a supporting act for Bring Me The Horizon and then their own headlining tour continuing the Concrete Forever tour. You were excited to get back on the road especially around Europe, you missed the crew and the band themselves. Well, you didn't really know if you fully missed one of them, maybe more so felt an extreme distance between the two of you.

You sighed as you worked on your laundry and folded the dry clothes into a pile for what you were packing. For the most part, it was pretty much everything you’d brought from home when you originally came over here. In the time you’ve been here though, you’ve accumulated about twice as many clothes that you had brought with you.

It was still pretty early on in the day and you planned on using this holiday to your advantage: laundry and chores before you really had to go fully into work mode. The only thing you had to do later was attend a party hosted by Oliver Sykes of Bring Me The Horizon with Vessel. It was something they were usually invited to when schedules worked out, and luckily this year they did.

Your outfit was already laid out on the bed and you were very excited to wear it tonight. It was something new and a little out of your comfort zone, but after trying it on in the shop you just knew it’d be perfect for a NYE party. With Vessel being out most of the day doing some errands for the house, you knew the dress would remain a surprise for him and a smile pulled at your lips each time you thought about the kind of reaction he’d have to it.

Since Christmas dinner at IV’s, your mind was still racing around the interaction you had with III. Had something happened between the first time you met and that night? You wondered if he’d learned something about you that threw him off a little, or perhaps he’s just being a protective friend and not wanting to see Vessel hurt again, nevertheless you could not shake the feeling that he doesn’t trust you.

It was eating at you all week and each time you’d gone to send him a text asking if you could meet up and talk, you would get nervous and not send it. You were scared of what he might say or what he might think of the fact that you’re so adamant on knowing what he meant on Christmas. Knowing he would be at the party tonight, you're going to try and talk to him before either of you have anything to drink so the conversation would be true without any infliction.

You decided that cleaning up around the house would be a nice way to get time moving quickly, focusing more on the lived-in areas like the kitchen, library and the living room. Might as well make the house look nice as you went into a new year, right?

As you cleaned the living room, you noticed a picture on the mantle of the fireplace that you hadn’t noticed before; it was of you and Vessel when he took you around London to see all the touristy things you hadn’t really seen before, only a small glimpse as you drove by during your other trips to the city. It was a picture that a woman took of the two of you in front of Big Ben, a big smile on both of your faces as you had been laughing at something the woman said, but Vessel faced you instead as you beamed toward the camera. You didn't even realize she had taken such a lovely candid photo of that moment, and you never realized Vessel had been looking at you in such a way… where it was like you were the only person on that busy street and nothing would ever take that loving gleam from his eyes as he focused on you.

He was as in love with you as you are with him. And yet, you still couldn’t tell him.

It was something that also preoccupied your mind since last week. Not being able to tell Vessel your feelings as he so easily did. He loves you and the least you could do was reciprocate the confession… but that wasn't going to come so easy for you. Saying “I love you” especially to Vessel might be the hardest thing you’ve had to do, and it killed you constantly how hesitant you were.

You hoped the hesitation wasn’t bothering him or else it might legitimately kill you for how guilty that’d make you feel. Fuck… why was it so hard?

—————————

The time came for you to start getting ready for the party. Vessel came back an hour ago and was putting away the dishes you used for the takeout he brought home for dinner. You stood in the bathroom as you applied your makeup, going for a bit of a smokier look that you thought would fit well with the dress. As the time got closer to when the party started, you grew more and more excited. It should be fun meeting all these new people that Vessel knew, getting to know the guys in Bring Me The Horizon and their crew before going on tour with them. It’ll be a good night.

You applied the finishing touches to your makeup and stepped back a bit to get a good look at the work. The smoked out eyeliner with the cat eye inner corner brought out the color of your eyes, and the deep red you put on your lips was stunning against your skin. Probably one of the best makeup attempts you’ve ever done if you do say so yourself.

“Darling, are you almost ready?” Vessel called from downstairs as you fastened the buckles on your heels.

“Yes, I just need to put my perfume on and then I’ll be done.” You hurried to where your perfume was as the sound of his footsteps echoed up the stairs.

“Was just thinking about how… wow.” His voice floated into the room and you turned after he’d stopped. His eyes were fixated on you, roaming around every part he could take in. The laced fabric of the dress that really left nothing to the imagination as it hugged every curve of your body and was doing exactly what you knew it would.

You smirked. “Thinking about what?”

He swallowed hard. “You know I don't think Oli would be mad if we showed up late.” He stepped toward you, his hands coming to rest on your hips as he kept his focus on your eyes.

“Now, I don’t think that would work this time around, Ves. He did say on the invite that he doesn’t like those who come late.” You placed your hand on his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat.

A low groan came from his throat as his hands roamed to feel the curve of your ass in the dress. “He could take it up with me, because all I can think about is bending you over the bed and fucking you in this dress.” A blush crept across your skin as you saw the feral look in his eyes.

“Later, Ves. We can ring in the new year in private if you’d like.” You kissed him and slipped out of his hold, noting how hard he was because of you. “All that because of me, pretty boy?” You loved to tease him especially in moments like this.

“Keep doing shit like that and I’m definitely making us late to the party.” He said as he tried to adjust himself in the tight pants that he wore. Now you took the time to soak in his outfit, the tight black dress pants and a button down white shirt that had the first few buttons undone, showing off the necklace you got him for Christmas. You resisted the urge to get down on your knees and help him out, knowing you were just going to do that later anyways.

“Let’s go.” You held out your hand and waited for him to take it before you headed downstairs, seeing a car had pulled up and was waiting for you. He’d ordered an Uber while you were still getting ready and yet wanted to fuck you so badly he’d miss the ride… what a dork.

The drive to Oli’s wasn’t all that bad, you just sat back and relaxed in the car while Vessel kept a firm hand on your thigh, giving it a small squeeze here and there. The snow was beautiful as you drove further out into the country, the rolling hills covered in white that seemed to sparkle under the stars. Oh how you dreamed of living in a place like this.

After an hour you arrived. Cars lined the driveway and even more were down the street for those who were coming in Ubers or Lyfts. It was a much larger party than you anticipated, apparently Oli really knew how to throw one.

As you entered you handed off your jackets and were greeted by Oli himself. “There you are! I’ve been waiting for you to come. How are you, mate?” He enthusiastically said as he engulfed Vessel in a hug.

“Doing well, thanks for asking. This is my girlfriend Y/N, Y/N this is Oli.” Vessel motioned between the two of you as he did his introductions.

“Hi, nice to finally meet you.” You said, sticking your hand out to shake his but he pulled you into a hug instead.

“Ah yes! I’ve heard lots about you love, excited to get back on the road soon?” He beamed down at you and you felt as though you were warming up to him quicker than most.

“I am. I’ve missed touring with everyone, it should be a good time.” You smiled back at Oli, noticing his attention sweep behind you as more people came inside.

“Sorry to dismiss you so soon but I’ve got to be a good host, you all enjoy the party and don’t get too hammered!” He moved off to the people behind you, leaving you to the open house and the party happening. Vessel placed his hand on your lower back and guided you to where everyone had gathered. The music wasn’t quite loud and people were more so mingling than partying. The bar was packed with people getting their drinks started for the night.

You tried your best to spot III in the crowd, especially at the bar since he likes to get his drinks early. But there was no sight of him, either he was elsewhere or coming later. You sighed as you looked at everyone here, no one you knew or even recognized, all in their own little bubbles as the conversations grew louder.

Vessel squeezed your hand to get your attention. “Want to get something at the bar?” You glanced over at the huge crowd still over there and shook your head, he followed your gaze and understood. “Yeah it is a bit crowded, I could still get you something if you’d like?” Without III here yet and more than likely the fact he’ll be arriving pretty late, you said fuck it and asked Vessel to grab you a drink.

You stood in the same spot, every so often saying hi to people who passed by and sharing compliments on outfits you really loved. It became draining just standing and watching the doors to possibly spot III before Vessel came back, so you moved your focus to the room behind you. Basic New Years streamers were scattered across the room, balloons were being held up by a net on the ceiling and were going to be released when the clock struck midnight.

As you took another turn, you noticed a familiar face lighting up the room around him. An excited squeal almost slipped from you at the same time as your stomach fell to the floor. You cautiously made your way over to none other than Nicholas Ruffilo, bassist of Bad Omens and Noah’s best friend. Despite the latter, he was also one of your good friends.

“Nicholas!” You shouted as you made your way to him. He turned and his face lit up with surprise.

“Y/N?” He engulfed you in a long hug. “I didn’t know you would be here.” You pulled away from the hug and admired your friend, he hasn’t changed since the last time you saw him.

“I’m here with someone. How are you, honey? Anything new going on?” You ask, glancing around him to see if any of the other members were around to say hi to.

He smiled. “Not exactly, we’ve just been working on music since October.” He noted the way you looked around, the weariness written across your face. “He’s here, I’m not sure where exactly but I can always let him know you’re here if you want to see him?” Your heart raced at the thought of seeing Noah and you smiled at Nicholas.

Before you could say anything, the strong grip of Vessel’s hand on your hip stopped you. “Here you go, love. Vodka cran with a hint of lime.” He handed you the drink and kissed your cheek, noticing the company you had. “Oh, hey Nicholas. How are you doing?” You stood back and watched as the two conversed, going back and forth about touring and music. You know, the things all musicians tend to talk about when they haven’t seen one another in a while.

“So when did this happen?” Nicholas asked as he motioned between you and Vessel.

You smiled at your friend. “We’ve kinda been a thing since November, but never really made things official till this month.” You caught the slight eyebrow raise that Nicholas did before he smiled.

“That’s wonderful. I’m happy for you guys, you make a lovely couple.” It was genuine and that’s all that mattered to you, at least for now while Vessel was standing with you. Nicholas looked past your shoulder, catching your attention you turned to see who he was looking at. Standing near the stairs in the shadow of a doorway stood Noah, his eyes were focused on you despite Matt standing next to him and talking.

—————————

Noah’s POV

—————————

Since the moment you saw her standing alone and looking around at the shitty decorations that Oli put up, you knew this night was already fucked. You had no clue why she was here and how she ended up getting an invitation since most of the crew wasn’t here besides Matt. You tried to keep yourself preoccupied with the drink in your hand as Matt talked about whatever came to mind for him, but you could not keep your attention away from her.

The way that black lace dress hugged every single part of her that you’d grown fond of and cherished every second when you were together was debilitating. Her hair was pulled back, showing the angles of her face and making it more beautiful each time the lights cast upon it. She was the most beautiful person in the room and you were unable to keep your eyes off her, especially when she found Nicholas and her face lit up like a star.

You watched them talk, a feeling of relief hitting you as they conversed like there hasn’t been a two month gap since the last time they saw each other. Another thing about Y/N that you loved; no matter how long of a break between a tour, seeing her was the easiest thing because she talked to you like you had just spoken a day ago. And now that you were about to be around her for a month, things were going to be different. Especially because you decided to be a dick and stop calling or texting her. So that was going to make things weird between the two of you.

Before you could move over to say hi, movement caught your attention as you watched Vessel make his way to her with two drinks in his hand. He switched to holding both with one hand so that he could place a hand on her hip. Your lip twitched as you watched her relax into the touch and lean against his chest.

So that’s who you heard in the background when you last spoke to Y/N? Your fist tightened as you watched him kiss her cheek again, his hand remaining on her hip but slowly inching its way to one of your favorite parts of her. You caught Nicholas glance at you from around Y/N’s shoulder, leading her to turn and catching your gaze with her own. Fuck, she’s seen you now.

She didn't do anything until Vessel turned too, noticing you and giving you a friendly wave. The three of them made their way to you and you could tell Y/N was hesitant about it. Matt loudly greeted them and gave her a tight hug, boasting about how he couldn’t wait to fuck shit up in the venues with her again.

You stood by quietly, watching the interaction between everyone. Nicholas stood on your other side now and he put a hand on your shoulder. “I’m sorry man.” He whispered, pointing to the couple in front of you. She stared at you as Vessel and Matt engaged in some sort of a conversation, her eyes searching yours for some sort of answer from you. It was hard to look into those same eyes that had been something you looked forward to seeing every morning when you woke up on tour. She was one of the only things that kept you going during those long days and some nights that followed. But now? You couldn’t have her because she looked happy, happy to be with someone who probably gave her his all and it was all she needed in comparison to you.

You had enough and stormed away, finding a quiet spot in the basement of Oli’s house. There was no one down here and you hoped it remained that way so you could collect your thoughts. You stared down at your hands, seeing the red marks you left from your nails while they dug into your palms. It felt pathetic to react the way that you were, but nothing could’ve prepared you for this.

The sound of music flooded down the stairs as someone entered, and quickly went back to the muffled sound that you escaped down here for. “Spots occupied, I suggest one of the many rooms upstairs.” The sounds of heels coming down the stairs made you sigh. “Not looking to hookup with random chicks tonight-” You stopped as Y/N came down and gave you a small smile.

“Pretty sure I’m not some random ‘chick’.” She says, coming a bit closer to you but still maintaining a good distance. She crossed her arms as she gave you a long look. “Hi Noah.”

“Does your boyfriend know you’re down here?” You question, glaring up at her from where you sat.

She ran her tongue over her teeth as you stared. “He knows I went to go talk to you since you left so abruptly.”

“Yeah and for good reason.” It stayed quiet between the two of you for a while, only the muffled sounds of the party upstairs keeping it from being fully silent. Before she even had the chance to get the words out of her mouth, you cut her off. “Why him Y/N? Why did you run off and choose him?”

She stood there stunned. “What do you mean, Noah? I didn’t fucking ‘run off’ I came here because he wanted me to, and guess what? I wanted to as well, especially after the tour ended and I had no one to talk to.”

“So you flew out all this way because you were lonely?”

She tightened her arms against her stomach. “Yes. You hadn’t talked to me in a while and Vessel was the one to call me everyday and check up on me. In fact, I was flying to London when you finally decided to text me again.” Something stung in your heart as she said that she was already on her way to him when you wanted to speak… and what makes it worse is that she probably was already wrapped around his finger when you were understanding your feelings for her.

“I should’ve never introduced the two of you that day.” You shook your head and wiped the sweat from your palms onto your pants.

She tilted her head. “So you regret that day? You’re mad because you brought me and Vessel together-”

You stood suddenly at the words. “I’m mad because he has you!” The shock spread through her wide eyes as she stared at you. “Fuck Y/N, are you that fucking blind?”

“I don’t know who you think you are for calling me blind, Noah. Last time I checked, we were fucking with no strings attached. All for pure pleasure and a way to let stress out. In no way did I ever see us being together.” Her voice caught at the end and tears flooded her eyes, a look of sorrow filling them as well.

“Yes you did.” You whispered, taking a step towards her and then another. “I know you did, Y/N. It doesn’t take long for you to grow attached to someone and want something so much more from them, that’s probably why you were so quick to run into Vessel’s arms when he offered you somewhere to stay where you wouldn’t be alone.” Your hand rested on her cheek now, watching the tear fall from her eyes and land on your thumb. You moved it so now your fingers held her face up by her chin, her watery eyes gleaming beneath the lights in the basement. Her breaths were heavy as she stared at you, it was hard to keep your composure around her, especially after not being around her for so long. The smell of her perfume was so alluring you couldn’t help it as you leaned down to her neck, rubbing the tip of your nose along her skin where she liked to be kissed most. Your lips made contact with her, feeling the rapid pulse beating through her as a whispered moan escaped her lips.

“Noah-” She tried not to let her head fall back and pressed her hand against your chest. “Noah I can’t. I’m sorry.” She pushed you away, noting the sadness that flashed in her eyes. “I have Vessel and I love him, I’m sorry but we cannot be together.” She loves him.

“No you don’t.” You whisper as she begins to turn away.

“I do. I really do, you cannot tell me otherwise.” She whispers back. “I will see you on Saturday.” As you watched her leave, you felt as though the whole world just came crashing down around you and it was hard to breathe.

She loves him.

—————————

Reader’s POV

—————————

You rushed back upstairs as the tears threatened to spill down your face. How could Noah pull some shit like that? The audacity he has to try and tell you that you don’t love Vessel when you’ve known for a few weeks that you do.

The music was much louder now as the time neared midnight. People were drunk and dancing around, couples made out in every corner you could see. You needed Vessel and you had to find him now. You eventually found him where he was talking with the band, III eyeing you as you walked up to them.

“Oh there you are, darling. I’ve been looking for you.” He kissed your forehead. You quickly said hello to the guys and they did the same, before you grabbed Vessel’s hand and pulled him away. You dragged him upstairs, heading past the rooms with closed doors knowing they were already occupied. You found an empty room and pulled him inside and slammed the door shut. “You disappear for a little bit and come back insanely horny?”

You smirked at him as the blue lighting in the room took hold of his features. “I did… and I do remember you saying earlier that you wanted to bend me over something and fuck me in this dress?” Your fingers toyed with the buttons of his shirt as you placed a kiss along his jaw.

“Glad you remembered that. But darling you know it’ll be midnight soon, do you not want to celebrate downstairs with everyone?” He brushed a stray hair behind your ear.

You shook your head. “I’d rather spend it alone with you. Whether its us just curled up in bed together or fucking each other’s brains out, I don’t care.” You felt the emotions bubbling up again and immediately forced them down. “I just want to be with you.”

“Both options sound good, but let's start with the second one.” A devious smile tugged on his lips as he placed his hands on the back of your thighs and tapped you twice, indicating you to jump up so he could carry you. Your lips crashed together and his tongue slipped into your mouth, the taste of the alcohol he’d been drinking mixing in with yours. Music from downstairs droned on in the background, the occasional thumps from the beat added to the racing beat of your heart.

Vessel carried you over to the bed and laid you down on it, not breaking the connection between your mouths once. Your fingers pulled at the buttons on his shirt as he worked on his belt, both being flung into a corner of the room. His hands ran up both of your thighs and to the waistband of your pantyhose and underwear beneath your dress, pulling both down with ease and adding them to the pile of clothes.

He kept his hands on your hips to keep you pinned to the bed. You reached for his pants to get them off but he gently swatted you away and broke your kiss. “We’re doing this my way tonight, darling. I want to please you first.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead before he backed off the bed and got on his knees on the floor in front of you. He leaned forward and pulled you to the edge of the bed, the skirt of your dress riding up as he did so. “Look at you darling, so perfect.”

Vessel grinned up at you before he put his head between your legs and ran his tongue through your folds. Your back arched off the bed at the feeling, his tongue moving in circles over your clit and a finger toying with your entrance. He didn't even hesitate as he pushed two fingers into you, pumping slowly with the pace of his tongue.

“Ves.” You breathed, squirming under his touch. “Go faster, I need you to go faster.” And he obliged. He pumped his fingers faster as his tongue picked up its pace too, flooding your body with pleasure. Your moans echoed through the room as you gripped tightly to the comforter beneath you. He took your mind away from everything. The only thing that you thought about was him and how good he made you feel, and how right it was for you two to be together.

You hit your climax with a scream, the pleasure overwhelming your senses as he kept the pace with his fingers in you. He watched as you came down from that high, breathing hard as you collected yourself. “You ready?” He asked, flipping you so you were on your stomach. The sound of his pants being undone made your ears perk up and you pushed your ass towards him. “Someone is a little desperate tonight, huh? You want my cock in you that badly darling?”

You nodded. “Yes, I need you in me baby.” The plea came out like a whine, earning a chuckle from Vessel as he ran the tip of his cock through your arousal.

“Whatever you need, darling.” He said as he pushed into you, making your head fall forward at the pressure of his cock in you. It always took a bit for you to adjust, especially in the position you were in. He slowly pulled out and thrust back in, repeating the motion until he could do it with ease.

He slipped out of you and instructed you to remove your dress and lay down against the pillows, watching you as you slowly removed the tight dress from your body and rested against the pillows. He settled between your legs and filled you up once more, your moans mixing together in the space. Vessel’s body pressed against yours as he thrusted into you with kisses being left across your skin as you held onto him tightly. He pressed his lips against yours, nothing but passion dripping from the kiss as he fucked you.

This is what this was, pure passion for each other and no longer the lust that had been the ongoing reason for your relationship. This was all it was. Not longing to just get off because you’re attracted to each other… no, this was wanting your bodies to be connected for as long as possible and never wanting to let go of the other. You loved every second of this, it was all you wanted for the rest of your life.

You pulled away from the kiss and looked him in the eyes. “I love you, Ves.” His pupils widened as he took in what you said. “I want you to be mine forever.” He kissed you again, gentle but loving. You could tell he was on the brink of his climax as he thrusted harder into you, kissing every last bit he could before he came in you.

He pulled the comforter over the two of you and took you into his arms, never cutting the connection between the two of you as you laid against his chest. “I love you too, Y/N. You have always been mine since the day we met.” You placed a kiss against his chest where his heart rested when the loud cheers and noise of people shouting “happy new years” from downstairs pulled you back to reality.

“Well. Happy new years, Ves.” You smiled.

“Happy new years, Y/N.” He said and kissed you once more.

[feverishly-kpop]

Beomgyu, Taehyun & TXT - Christmas Stomach Flu - Part 2

Soobin had his hands full. A sick hyung, two sick dongsaengs, and a Christmas Day performance scheduled in just two days. It wasnt that there was truly ever an ideal time for something like this to happen, but the timing of this couldn’t have been worse.

*~*~*~*~*~

It had hit Taehyun like a bus. He had been cleaning up his room when the nausea suddenly kicked in, making it to the washroom to be sick without a second to spare.

Soobin sat next to him, gently rubbing his back the same way he had for Yeonjun earlier that day.

“I shared food with Yeonjun-hyung last night” Taehyun managed to get out between sobs. The sudden onset of his illness had startled him enough to bring him to tears. He had just about caught his breath when he was hit with another wave of nausea.

“I know you did. It’s okay, you couldn’t have known. Just let it out” Soobin replied softly. Once he was certain that Taehyun was finished he handed him a wet cloth to wipe his face.

“Hyung, I just want to sleep” Taehyun sighed, closing the toilet seat and resting his head on the lid.

“Fair enough” Soobin replied. “But let’s get you to bed first.”

*~*~*~*~*~

Beomgyu made it a few more hours but still wasn’t able to avoid the inevitable.

Soobin had just flipped on his TV and flopped down on his bed, ready for a moment of relative calm after sitting with Yeonjun through his third round of vomiting for the day. His breath hitched when he heard a soft knock at the door, quickly standing up to open it and revealing a very sickly looking Beomgyu.

“Sorry to bug you hyung” Beomgyu started awkwardly, “but I think I’m running a bit of a fever.”

Soobin immediately ushered Beomgyu inside, sitting him at the edge of his bed before feeling his cheeks and forehead with the back of his hand.

“Oh Gyu, I think this is more than a bit of a fever. You’re burning” Soobin replied, momentarily stepping out of his room and returning with a thermometer.

“How is your stomach feeling?” Soobin asked after he slipped the thermometer under Beomgyu’s tongue. Beomgyu shook his hand in a “so-so” motion. After a minute the thermometer beeped. Soobin carefully pulled it out of Beomgyu’s mouth and glanced at the reading.

“You’re running a good deal higher than Yeonjun and a Taehyun” he said, resting his hand against Beomgyu’s forehead again out of sheer surprise. Soobin knew that Beomgyu had felt warm to the touch but he hadn’t expected his temperature to be quite so high.

“Do you want to go straight to bed? Or should we make a pit stop in the washroom?” Soobin asked as Beomgyu absentmindedly rubbed his midsection.

“Washroom I think” Beomgyu replied with an exaggerated sigh. “I feel kind of nauseous.”

*~*~*~*~*~

The apartment was dark and quiet by the time Soobin got Taehyun comfortable on the couch after another bout of vomiting.

“What’s going on with the performance?” Taehyun asked weakly.

Truth be told, Soobin hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the impending Christmas Day performance since the moment that Yeonjun had woken up looking exceptionally green that morning. He had immediately texted management to let them know that Yeonjun was down for the count, followed by two more texts with updates when Taehyun and Beomgyu were taken out of commission as well.

“Don’t worry about that, Tae” Soobin responded as he took a seat at the end of the couch, doing his best not to jostle Taehyun too much.

Taehyun rolled his eyes at that. “They’re canceling, aren’t they?” The frustration he was feeling was evident in his voice.

“Honestly, yeah, probably” Soobin replied, bracing himself for the fallout. “I’m just waiting on confirmation from management.

“It’s just a few songs. We could have done it” Taehyun started but Soobin cut in quickly.

“None of you are in any condition to be out of bed let alone on stage” Soobin said firmly.

“What if we have the doctor come and run us some IVs? We can restore our fluids and that should be enough to get us through the performance at least” Taehyun continued to push back.

“This isn’t up for debate, Taehyun” Soobin’s tone left no room to argue. “You haven’t been able to keep anything down today, nor have Yeonjun or Beomgyu. And frankly I haven’t even been able to get Beomgyu’s temp under 39.5°. So no, there won’t be a performance.”

Taehyun nodded, conceding defeat.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling sick” Soobin said with a sad smile. “You know MOA will understand though. They just want what’s best for us, and that means for you to get some rest.”

*~*~*~*~*~

The worst had passed by the time Christmas morning rolled around but Yeonjun, Beomgyu, and Taehyun were all still sporting low grade fevers and hadn’t yet gotten their strength back.

“How did you and Soobin-hyung not get sick?” Beomgyu mumbled around the thermometer that Hueningkai had just stuck in his mouth.

“We didn’t swap spit with Yeonjun-hyung” Hueningkai replied in a very matter-of-fact tone that made Soobin chuckle.

“Next time I won’t share anything and you all can go without” Yeonjun called from his room, his voice still hoarse and weak.

“Hey, no yelling, rest your voice” Soobin admonished as he popped into Yeonjun’s doorway. Yeonjun stuck his tongue out at Soobin before gesturing for him to come in and close the door. Soobin followed his instructions and entered, taking a seat at the edge of the bed.

“I’m really sorry for getting Gyu and Hyunnie sick” he said sadly. “And for the performance getting cancelled.”

“Hyung, stop apologizing. Nobody is at fault here. There will be other performances, just focus on getting back on your feet” Soobin replied. Yeonjun nodded as he laid back down.

Soobin went to leave him to sleep but turned around to add one final thought.

“For what it’s worth, hyung, I think this is our first time since debut that we haven’t had to work on Christmas. There are worse things in the world.”

Yeonjun smirked at that. “Merry Christmas, Soobin” he replied. “Enjoy your day off.”

[misguidedasgardian]

The Lifeaters (IV.5)

V. The Yule Ball

MASTERLIST

Chapter Summary: The magical night…

Pairings: Draco Malfoy x Fem!Reader (platonic)

Warnings: Cursing, magical objects, Mugglephobia, classism, charms and curses, old school teachings, sexism some may say, kids being assholes, rich kids being assholes, might miss some warnings

Wordcount: 4.9 k

Notes: i want you to bear with me, this are RICH kids, many of them come from very old money you know? they are old school AND they are fourteen year olds, they have other priorities and concepts… and they are assholes, many of them anyways.

The whole week leading to Christmas was as exciting as you ever felt, the whole castle seemed to be glowing with magic, and since you had two more schools in there, Hogwarts wanted to show off, so they went all out with decorations this year. Tha armours sang christmas carols every time someone walked past them, the four big trees in the great entrance hall were decorated beautifully, even with real golden owls sitting gingerly in their branches. The great hall looked more magnificent than you've ever seen it.

Everything was more, more decorated, more big, more shiny, more everything

Terrence gave you sweet little smiles every time you crossed him in the hallways, which had you feeling butterflies in your belly 

Goyle and Matthew were the only ones in your group who couldn’t secure a date, and though the Goyle part was having you feel a bit guilty, they took it quite well, they preferred instead to joke around.

This year, as you mentioned, where to stay here to celebrate the holidays, but you had done it before and you didn’t mind, specially since you had the ball the night of the 25th 

And it came incredibly quickly.

Your amount of homework had piled up, and Snape gave extra because he didn’t manage to poison anybody like he had threatened to do the first class of the semester, nor did he manage to poison a familiar like he threatened last year.

Good times.

The 23rd was friday, so you spend the rest of the afternoon preparing your potions homework and every other assignment you could so you didn’t have to think about from the tomorrow to after boxing day 

And soon, the 24 was all over you, as you enjoyed it without classes, being already released for the winter holidays. 

You had a marvelous lunch, at the hall and then you had a scheduled visit to Hogsmeade, which you took as an opportunity to buy last minute gifts. And… this year, you had agreed to make gifts for everybody.

Since you had an allowance but you didn’t spend much because well, you were at school, you had saved a bunch of galleons, so, it was going to be a nice touch, to make gifts for your very best friends. 

You were so excited for tomorrow you could barely sleep, but you did, and you were woken up more suddenly than you expected. 

“Hey! wake up! presents!”, shrieked Pansy!, jumping out of bed. Your smile was wide as you stood from your bed, there, on top of your truck, besides Umbra, stood a hefty amount of beautifully wrapped boxes. The entire room was festive, mistletoe was hanging from your bed posts, and beautiful christmas crowns were in the walls, of green leaves, and silver decorations. 

And now presents, lots of lots of presents were on top of each of your trunks. You had all awakened with big bright smiles and were ready now to rip open each and every one of them. One big box caught your attention first, and you had a hunch of what that might be.

You opened that first, and you gasped when you saw what was inside it. 

It was the most beautiful dress you had ever seen in your whole life, it was your favorite color, made of the finest silk. You stood up from the bed so you could spread it and see it properly, it had the tag of one of the fanciest Atelier in Paris

“No way!”, cheered Pansy, “it’s gorgeous!”, you wanted to cry because of how good your grandfather knew you, everything about it was perfect, exactly how you would have picked it, you were so happy you put it right back on the box, and on the feet of your bed till you could put it on later.

Of course there was a letter from your grandfather, but that stood on top of the second box with the same wrapping paper. It was a magnificent pair of shoes to go with your dress. And a heartfelt letter, tears sprinted to your eyes as you read in your Grandfather’s handwriting how proud he was of the beautiful strong woman you were becoming.

You then grabbed a gift wrapped in a neatly green velvet wrapping. Once you unwrapped it carefully, you found yourself with a dark oak flat rectangular box with a family crest carved in it. You opened it gently and gasped when you saw what’s inside.

It was a breathtaking set of diamond jewelry, a beautiful necklace with a hanging black diamond in the center, met with two smaller ones on the side, with matching earrings and a bracelet. 

“For our beloved goddaughter” it read in beautiful calligraphy, “And my best friend” signed under it with Draco’s handwriting, it was made in Mafloy’s Stationary. 

On the inside of the top of the wooden box, stood another letter. You grabbed it and read it carefully, it was Narcissa’s own handwriting, as equally delicate as Uncle Lucius’

“This jewelry set had been in our family for generations, it was passed down to me as I got married to Lucius, it was my personal dream to share it with my daughter one day, so I’ll pass it on to you”, a single tear fell from your eye, as the envelope hid a small leather pouch, inside it was a beautifully intricate signet ring, with the same crest on it as the box, that it seemed to be carved on a black diamond.

“Toujours Pur”, you whispered, in the crest, where three ravens under a fist holding a sword, and threatening looking skull on the upper edge of the shield. It was from aunt Narcissa’s family, which meant this was a Black family heirloom, and she was passing it onto you. You smiled, and put the ring immediately in your middle finger, right next to your Slytherin ring on your ring finger.

You were shaking as you were putting the jewelry set away, as you believed to be the most important gift (or probably the most valuable) anyone had ever given you.

You didn’t know what to say, as you could hear your friends giggling and sharing what they got, you kept on looking for the rest of the gifts, you received a box of fudge, your favorite ones, a box of ten chocolate frogs, this time instead of a tempest in a bottle you received a sandstorm in a bottle, which looked as astonishing as the one you already had, and other gifts. There was one box that was moving you didn’t notice it until now, growls were coming out of it, and you grabbed it gently, and opened it

A small flame came out of it, as a now more clear hiss could be heard, you looked inside and you gasped as you saw… a small dragon! What? how?

“What on the Merlin’s fluffy robes?”, you asked

“what is that?”, asked Pansy , coming to you and sitting on the edge of the bed

“A DRAGON!”, you said loudly

“A WHAT?”, Tracy, who was as much an animal lover as you, came rushing. “How? Who gave it to you?”

“I don’t know!”, you said quickly. It was the Hungarian Horntail, deep black, with greyish-purpleish markings, it snapped his tiny snout trying to bit you, but he was too small, fitting in the palm of your hand

“It has a note”, Pansy pointed. You grabbed it and read it

“I know how much you wanted one”, you read, “So we stole it from Crouch after the first task of the triwizard tournament”, you kept reading, “- Theo and Matthew”, it wasn’t the first time they stole a creature and this time, you couldn’t believe it

The task had been months ago, did they keep it all this time?

The Horntail finally looked up at you and growled at you

“How I’m I supposed to take care of one?”, you asked Tracy. Just know, after four years, you were realizing how silly it was that you asked for a dragon in the first year. 

“Let’s go to the library after, we are sure going to find a book on cares of dragons”, she offered. 

“Look what Draco got me!”, said Pansy with a wide smile on her face, as she showed the room a beautiful diamond necklace.

They sure raided the Malfoy’s coffers this year.

You had also given away your friends' favorite sweets to them as a gift, as a huge basket, from your aunt, with a lot of hair and skin products.

You had a potion that made your hair perfectly straight, you had a tonic that made the most beautiful and lustrous curls, you had a bar that looked like soap, but it was actually glitter, and also, a gel that made it look like your head had stars in it, and all sorts of makeup.

All in sample sizes bottles, and enough for you to share with everyone. 

Tracy cheered as she had gotten a camera that took pictures that moved, it was so cool, specially for tonight.

You got dressed in your normal clothes, as you went down to have a great breakfast, you left your dragon in its small metal cage in your bedside table, and went down to meet the boys in the common room

“Draco”, you called, remembering the invaluable gift you had received, “I can’t accept that”, you said, you were fourteen! and you had given something that could buy a whole house

“Its my parents wish that you got it”, he said simply, “they wanted to give it to you for your birthday, but they decided to wait until now, so let’s have breakfast already”

You smiled widely, as you all shared ‘thank yous’ for the gifts you had received. You had an amazing “brunch”, as it was later than a normal day, it took you long enough to reach the dining hall.

Outside was a beautiful snowy day, and the boys wanted to head to the Quidditch pitch but you said no, hen they asked you why, you answered that you didn’t want to risk an injury if tonight was going to be the ball, then they all agreed with you and instead you went ice skating in the lake.

You defended yourself pretty well on the ice, Draco and Daphne did too, but the rest needed a bit of help. Matthew grabbed onto you threatening to drop you so you and Daphne made a chain and helped him and Theo, and you skated together.

Because of course Pansy clinged into Draco.

Blaise passed you all surprising you with his great skill

“I wonder where bubbles is”

“Who’s bubbles?”, asked Mathhew with a smile

“The huge squid of the lake”, you answered

“Of course you named him”, now that you had them both here

“Where did you get the dragon?”, you asked

“we told you, we stole it from Crouch”, said Theo, “Matthew has the fireball, I have the Welsh green”

“Don’t you think they’re gonna be looking for them?”, you asked then, trying not to miss a step, otherwise you were all going to fall together

“I haven’t seen Crouch around and nobody has said anything so i guess we are in the clear”, he said simply, “besides, we left the short snout”

“Ugly thing”, muttered Theo

You spend the rest of the afternoon skating and like at four, you and the girls exchanged looks

“We need to go”, said Daphne, grabbing onto you and Pansy, you grabbed Tracy 

“The Ball doesn’t start until eight!”, said Draco, sharing concerned looks with his mates

“But we will meet at seven in the common room!”, wanted Pansy, pointing directly at Draco who raised his hands and nodded, swallowing hard.

“Fine”, you all nodded towards one another, and you ran back to the castle

There was much to do.

You haired the girl’s lavatory in Slytherin tower, and to your relief were the first ones to get there. You took long showers, opening your fresh soaps from your care basket. Putting on your favorite shampoo that had your favorite scents in it. Then wet hair and all you went giggling back to your common room

“I got the perfect thing to dry out hair!”, said Pansy, and she threw a spell to spell air at great velocity from her wand. She didn’t take into account that her hair was very straight by nature, Daphne’s and Tracy’s weren’t, so at the end we got a mess of messy hair in their heads. You preferred to directly use one of the tonics to make your head look exactly how you wanted.

Daphne used the creams to make lustrous curls appear. Tracy preferred to have her hair fixed in thousands of tiny braids that looked beautiful. Pansy had her hair up in a simple yet elegant hairdo. Milicent had straightened her auburn hair. 

You put in your body cream that makes your skin look hydrated with a bit of sparkle in it.

You even put on some makeup, Daphne offered to curl your eyelashes and put on some sparkly eyeshadow and mascara. You put some gloss on too.

You couldn’t believe what you were seeing when you looked in a mirror. You looked… so pretty, you felt pretty too.

You wondered if Terrence was going to like it.

When it was six thirty and you were ready with everything else, only then you put on your dresses, afraid to taint them with makeup or hair products. 

“To match Draco’s eyes”, Pansy said proudly, she was wearing a light blue silvery satin dress, with spaghetti straps, she looked amazing. She adorned it with a silvery chal, and her hairstyle let everyone see the beautiful necklace Draco had given her. Tracy was wearing a stunning velvety dark green dress, and Daphne of course was wearing a soft pink, in tull. Milicent was wearing a navy blue cotton dress that made her beautiful hair stand out. 

And you in your beautiful dress as well. You put on your shoes not before you put on some numbing cream so you could dance all night and your feet were not going to ache. 

And then, with trembling hands, you asked Pansy to put on the necklace around your neck.

“It’s a stunning piece”, you felt like a walking heirloom, you put on the earrings and the bracelet too, and your rings again.

When you were done, you looked at your friends who were ready also. Tracy looked so beautiful, like a star from the roaring twenties, with a pearl necklace around her neck, and her velvety dress. Daphne looked like a princess, and Pansy looked so classy, and Milicent was stunning as well. 

“Ready girls?”, asked Daphne. you grabbed a matching sparkly short sleeve jacket and you nodded excitedly. 

“Ready!”. 

You wondered how Terrence was going to react when he saw you, because the boys dropped their jaws almost to the floor when you walked back to the common room in your best attire.

Well except Greg, as soon as he saw you he abandoned the room with a scowl on his face. But Mathhew kept looking at you so much he made you feel uncomfortable, and you had to do a double take on yourself in case there was something out of place. 

Draco looked so handsome, in his white dress robes, well, they all did.

You were disappointed Terrance wasn’t there, but you haven't spoken to him since the day before, so you guessed he was going to appear at eight or something. You shared the common room, so, is not like he was going to miss you. 

“You look stunning”, Draco said, once he managed to release himself from Pansy

“Well, you look handsome as ever”, you answered back. You had seen him in dress robes, but not recently, he looked… more like an adult now.

“So…”, Draco started, looking around suspiciously, “where’s your date?”, he asked then

“Draco be nice”, you chided, “he isn’t here yet, neither are his mates”, you said looking around

“So he is just… letting you hang around here? alone?”, he asked, frowning

“With my friends? I guess so”, you said mindlessly. He hummed disapprovingly. Thankfully, to easy the tension between the two of you, Tracy took her camera with a wide smile and everyone cheered

“Let’s take some pictures!”, she said

You took hundreds of pictures. Only girls first, then girls and their dates, then of the whole group, you took the photos of Tracy and Blaise and they both looked so amazing, everyone did. 

“My parents insist we take a picture together”, murmured Draco, offering you his hand

“Of course! I know Narcissa is going to put it on the mantel or something

“Tracy”, called Draco, “can you take a picture of us?”, she nodded enthusiastically. Draco grabbed your waist gently, pulling you to his side, you put your ringed hand on his chest and you both smiled at the camera as he hugged you. He tickled your lower back making you laugh, and that is what the camera took you, five seconds of the both of you holding onto each other and laughing.

After a short talk and pictures and comments and chats, the time was upon you to take yourself to the ballroom, meaning the dining hall, so… Now you were becoming nervous as you looked around. 

“Where is him?”, asked Mathhew this time, to you, he could sense your nervousness. “Want me to stay with you?”, he tried then, as you saw everyone were getting ready to leave

“You guys go ahead!”, you promised, “I’ll be there soon to make my triumphant entrance!”, you said with a wide smile, Draco didn’t like the idea, but he got dragged by Pansy and they left the common room. Matthew followed in tow, and then the rest. 

You took a long breath, as you were growing increasingly nervous, why was he taking so long? it was reassuring that none of his 6th year friends were there either, but the rest of the Slytherins had passed by, the fifth and seventh years…

You waited for another five long minutes until they appeared, you had seen them in passing, but… Terrance was not among them

“Hey, what's going on?”, they wasted no time in looking you up and down with smiles on their faces before one of them came forwards

“Terrance can’t make it”, he said shortly. You just stared at him, letting the words sink in 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CAN’T MAKE IT?”, you asked him incredulously, Terrence’s mate hissed, showing you his teeth

“It’s pretty bad, he got poisoned or sumthin”, he muttered under his breath, “he can’t separate from the bathroom for more than like five minutes”, you just looked at him in disbelief

“What am I gonna do now? I can’t go alone!”, you said

“We all got partners”, he said looking back at his mates, ��sorry”, he turned and left you.

Tears threatened to well in your eyes as they left you alone in the common room. You looked around desperately, but you were alone, alone and dressed in your best attire. This night that promised to be the best night of your life… was a complete bust as a single tear fell down your cheek. 

What were you going to do?

Were you going to just get out of your dress, makeup and hair and just go to sleep? no… you couldn’t do that… should you just go? your friends were there, right? they wouldn’t leave you alone, nobody was going to notice that somebody stood you up. 

it was a bit embarrassing, showing up alone?

“For Merlin’s beards!”, you cursed

But the alternative was just sit down there and wait… for what? you didn't know exactly

Ah come on! you were (y/n) Basilik and Black! you couldn’t just stand up just like that, just because a boy got a weak stomach, he was not going to ruin your night.

So you adjusted the straps in your shoes, you checked your makeup in the mirror, and opened the door to the common room, as all the younger students of your house looked at you wide eyed

You got more excited as you saw the beautiful decorations leading to the hall, and the soft music and chatting. 

But as you were pulling up the last set of stairs before the main hall…

“Where are you going, Basilik?”, asked Professor Snape as he walked towards you all accusatory

“Terrence HIggs stood me up because he got food poisoning, so I was planning on crushing the dance alone and steal Gryffindor’s dates”, you said unapologetically, he just looked down at you, frowning

“Proceed”, he said, standing aside so you could pass. You smiled widely, but you decided to take a detour, and come up to the set of big stairs, and turn around back, so you had to come down the steps to appear in the great entrance hall, and not up from the Slytherin common room. 

As you started your majestic descent, you saw many of your year waiting at the bottom, and they all gawked at you, at your audacity, at the beautifulness of your dress, at the impeccable way you handled yourself.

This was your moment, and not even your sick crush standing you up was going to change that.

But when you were coming down the stairs, to your surprise, Matthew was there, waiting for you, he had his arm up, ready for you to take it, like a gentleman of old

“Matt?”, you asked him, as you stood up in the last few steps

“I heard what happened”, he said quickly, “Let me escort you to the ball”, you nodded enthusiastically, grabbing his arm, making a perfect entrance, sticking the landing as it were.

He held you by the waist and led you to your group of friends, that by this point was still smiling

“What happened to Terrence?”, asked Draco, frowning

“Got food poisoning or something”, you said quietly, “couldn’t get out of the bathroom”, they all showed their disgust with comical expressions on their faces. You got distracted a bit talking to Pansy about what happened in the last fifteen minutes. 

“What did you do to Terrence?”, asked Draco to Matthew in a hushed voice

“Nothing”, defended Matthew

“Yeah you did”, he said back. “you poisoned him!”, Matthew just looked back at him

“You didn't want her to come with him either!”, he said quickly

“I freakin’ knew it!”, he said back

“He was unworthy of her”, he said dismissively

“Yeah, maybe, but she wanted to come with him!, or else she could have come with me!”, he said disdainfully, Draco noticed quickly you and Pansy turned back to them so they fixed their angry stares quickly

“Should we take our seats?”, you asked with a wide smile

The hall looked beautiful, it was some sort of winter wonderland and there was snow falling from the ceiling. There were ice sculptures, ice on the walls, sparkles and beautiful snowflakes… it was breathtaking

The four big tables had been turned into sets of smaller round tables. 

You had this weird feeling, like when you had eyes on you, and you searched the source… It came from the teacher’s table, Dumbledore himself was looking straight at you and Matthew, Snape by his side didn’t seem pleased either, and you didn't know why

You took your seats, a whole table, sharing with some other fifth year students from your house. Everyone was seated and only then you looked at the menu on the table. 

You said loudly what you wanted, one of the choices, and the plate filled magically with your choice. And to drink you had a beautiful flute with what you believed to be giggle water. 

You ate and giggled all through dinner, and chatted with your mates, you were so excited, the ball was already happening.

You didn’t care that Terrence stood you up anymore, you looked at your side and Matthew smiled at you. Despite everything, despite the fact that he seemed all too happy about the unforgivable curses, perhaps there was a side to him you haven't seen before. 

“Thank you for rescuing me out there”, you whispered, leaning onto his personal space, he didn’t shy away from it, if anything, he leaned towards you, almost eliminating the space between you. 

“It was my pleasure”, he whispered back. 

Then you got your attention pulled from each other when they announced that the four champions were going to dance.

“Have you seen Granger?”, asked Pansy to you, over Draco who was sitting in between you. She then pointed and you saw her, dancing with none other than Viktor Krum, wearing a majestic dress in different shades of pink.

“She looks great”, you admitted, “and then you saw the horrified glances of your friends, “she does!”, you defended

“For a mudblood”, Draco whispered against his cup

“She is dancing with Viktor Krum”, you said then, “didn’t know she had it in her”

“Cho also looks stunning”, Tracy admired, “as does Fleur”

“All Hogwarts girls”, you teased, “I love that for us”, you sipped your drink under Matthew’s heated gaze. 

“Soon enough we won’t have to worry about them”, said Matthew, you looked at him

“Who? what do you mean?”

“Now we invite everyone who wants to join us on the dance floor!”, chanted a voice loudly, and many couples jumped right in, including Dumbledore himself, hand in hand with Professor McGonaggal 

“Shall we?”, Draco asked Pansy, and she smiled excitedly and took his hand. Once they were gone, you looked at Matthew, with high expectations, and to your delight, he offered you his arm.

“I don’t know how to dance”, he warned

“I'll lead”, you said quickly, you didn’t mind. And to your amazement, he was a quick learner and fast on his feet, he didn’t trip or step on your feet once! 

“You are a good dancer”, you admired

“Because you are leading”, he clarified. The weird sister had taken the stage and you were thrilled. You loved that band! So far they were playing slow songs, but you were hopeful. 

“So…”, Matthew asked, “did you give your first kiss yet?”, you shook your head

“No, not yet”, you mumbled. Now uncomfortable, remembering what happened in the castle in the Quidditch world cup, how insistent he was that you kiss him.

He made you twirl in his embrace and it made you giggle. And then Draco, who was dancing right by your side, grabbed his arm.

“Let’s trade for a song”, he said, and Matthew nodded reluctantly. You happily went to Draco, as your parents had made you dance over and over again in all your family functions. 

You had expectations for this night, and even though not everything was happening the way you imagined it, in some ways it was better. 

“We never talked about what happened when you found out”, he said, pointing at your hand

“You mother is my aunt”, you said with a smile. 

“You father and my mother were cousins”, he corrected, “we are cousins twice removed”

“That’s cool or what?”

“My mother is dying to tell you stories about our family”

“One of the coolest in the United Kingdom right?”, you tried 

“We are practically royalty”, he promised

“That’s cool”, you teased. He leaned in and whispered in your ear

“The Noble and most ancient House of Black”, that did make your spine tingle with excitement. 

Your other half, the other part of you, was cooler than you ever thought. As soon as the song changed, Matthew was quick to retrieve you from Draco’s hands. 

The music soon started to be more lively, and not for slow dancing anymore, acquiring a faster pace. 

Soon you started dancing with your whole group and not only in pairs. 

Soon the Durmstrang group joined you as well, and Viktor’s best friends 

“Ya’ look biutiful”, he said barely, and you smiled at him, feeling your cheeks heated

“Thank you!”. you said loudly over the music. 

You danced all night, all night, you even at some point got to be in the front of the band, to greet them.

Then you returned with your friends, the boys went to get you drinks while you kept dancing with your girlfriends. 

It was such a fun night. You danced a bit with the Durmstrang guy, he didn't speak much English, but you learned that his name was Alexandru and he was from Romania. 

But, at midnight, the band played their last song, and people were already leaving. 

But the amount of giggle water you had consumed, you really wanted to keep the party going, and your friends did too. 

Draco went to talk to the rest of Durmstrang and a couple of older guys, and then he came back towards your group with a triumphant smile on his face. 

“We’re hosting an afterparty, let’s go”, he said simply. 

PCN: Remember the chocolate frog a mysterious valentine gave us in second year? well, it was Greg! and I will say it now because he won’t jeje

Anyways, I’m writing this because I was the one nobody ever invited to the freakin school gala or anything really, so… this is for all the teenage girl inside of us that never got invited to anything, we deserved to be pampered and invited. I’m done suffering in my fics! we deserve all the gawking and attention!

[xxkr1sz]

Day 3

Today's been good! Gonna try to look at the positives more than the negatives in these posts 💦😅 even if no one really reads em, it's nice to reflect on my day.

☮️General: Anyway, today I had therapy and it's really helping me understand myself and changing how I think. The therapist is really nice too! Also.. I'm going to be going to Poland on a trip!! Woo hoo! For the rest of tonight I'm going to make myself a cup of tea with almond milk ( hopefully tastes alright lol ) and do some Christmas shopping

Sleep 😴: I googled it and 18yos should be getting 7 or more hours of sleep so I think I'm doing okay! Nothing to fix here

Food 🥝: The morning was really lazy but I managed my portion when having breakfast today ( branflakes ) . For lunch I had a sandwich, apple and rice cake 😋. I had a snack today but thankfully not hundreds 🙏. For dinner I made vegetable soup! The last time I made soup I was 13 hahaha. It was sooo gooood. I made some more for tomorrow. I also went shopping today and bought a lot of healthy food!! For snacks..my enemy.. I bought these low cal weight loss bars which are < 80 cals and tinned peaches. The reason why I'm not cutting snacks out completely is because my brain would just snack on whatever is in the house and it would just lead to lots of cals eaten. Tryna lower my cals then cut out snacks completely 🤞

College 🎓: My assignment is due in on the 29th and I'm so nervous. I still need to finish it and make some alterations.. wish me luck 🤞 I had class for Planning and management today and it was just a recap on the assignment. Wildlife management was interesting! We did a recap on conflicts between humans and the British Wildlife. We then learned about different organisations (GO'S) and (NGO's). One is managed by the government, the others independent ect

👟Exercise: No walk today!! Buttt I went on the treadmill and did a 30 min walk at 15 incline. My legs were dying after 😂

🧴Skincare ect: I had a shower and used my skin stuff this morning. I think my spots are getting a little better. However, the spots on my backs and arms are so bad now since I've started HRT it's crazy. Before I started HRT I had little to no spots on my face and had a few odd ones on my shoulders. So I think my best bet is riding this out until the hrt settles 🤷‍♂️

Overall today was a 6/10 day!!

Improvements: WAKING UP IN THE MORNING!! I feel awful when I sleep in. But I'm not even joking you I can't hear my alarm in the morning. Not because I'm too fast asleep.. but because I'm literally deaf. Both of my ears get blocked at night and in the morning so I lose my hearing 😭😢. Ive put in drops today and yesterday. I really need to see a pharmacy about getting this fixed. Gonna set hundreds of alarms for tomorrow to make sure I HEAR THE ALARM!! Another improvement, I'm going to write a schedule but not make it too restrictive. Maybe just in the morning I'll make it more controlled.

Anyways, goodnight everyone!!

[elektrischemaidchen]

Weihnachtsbaum #1

Good morning, beautiful people. It's snowing over the Rolandsbogen at the moment. So there's no better setting to take part in @franzliszt-official's little advent calendar. And it would be so nice if there were a few others who could draw Franz on a tiger skin in front of the Christmas tree or something, so that we don't spam everyone here alone again ;)

Franz has done exactly what we feared last week. And we had avoided the topic so nicely in Lisztober ;) Although there are only 12 songs here, they are quite something. Let's start with #1 Psallite, which I added a Tiedge poem to and Lacelove a few BPM ;)

(Here's a snippet of my Keyboard-Crying voice version from tonight, for which I earned a lot of middle fingers from Lacelove xD)

Firstly, nobody really wants us to record XI nor listen to an acoustic version of it. Believe me. When I look at sheet music and laugh, it's already doomed to failure. But: We are Elektrische Maidchen and that's a good thing, this time ;) Secondly, I usually write the lyrics first and then we sit down to write the music. Anyone who's ever worked with me knows that the other way round can be really bad. xD And then why don't you write lyrics to a Franz Liszt composition with a Christmas theme? Easy!!! (Not! ;))

But, hey, we'll try. Since we're a bit behind schedule, we'll try to catch up tonight or tomorrow at the latest so that I can at least come up with my own lyrics for IV. Until then, you'll get a few poem settings (which, by the way, are really difficult to transfer to the pieces, too. So, don't think we're making it easy for ourselves here ;)).

Let's see when the madness returns.

Joy falls into our hands; The mere art of rejoicing That must be practised, must be won! Even if every fool understood it, It would not be for the wise; Joy escapes intoxicated days With face turned away. it flees because we chase after it, The fool experiences it, does not feel it. it loves the quieter moods of the soul, Lifts up melancholy to itself And seeks us in cloudy days In our own hearts.

[dasenergi]

Hi there, do you have any special memories from this holiday season that you would like to share?

From THIS holiday season? Oh, no. I am in full-on isolation mode.

I have started watching all of the Rankin/Bass Christmas specials. So far I have watched:

-Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) (Burl Ives) -Cricket on the Hearth (1967) (Danny Thomas & Roddy McDowall) -The Little Drummer Boy (1968) (Greer Garson) -Frosty the Snowman (1969) (Jimmy Durante) -Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (1970) (Fred Astaire & Mickey Rooney) -'Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974) (Joel Grey) -The Year Without a Santa Claus (1974) (Mickey Rooney and Shirley Booth) (This is the one with Heat Miser & Snow Miser.) -The First Christmas: The Story of the First Christmas Snow (1975) (Angela Lansbury)

And I have 11 more to go!

I did host my family's Thanksgiving at my house. That was more work than I expected. I did absolutely nothing the day after. Then that Saturday I put-up the decorations outside the house. And on that Sunday I put up the tree inside the house.

Today I finally got down the other boxes of decorations for inside the house and will work on it this evening before the kids come tomorrow.

Last week I visited a friend in Palm Springs for his birthday. That took a lot out of me. Work was madness AND I was working from his apartment. All of my energy was spent ensuring he had a good birthday and staying on top of work. By the time the weekend came, I was exhausted and did nothing.

I will be visiting a friend in Long Beach sometime this month. He will be in Puerto Vallarta next week, so probably the week after that.

But no, I have no other plans. I'm not going to our company's Christmas party. I am not doing the annual Christmas show at our local theater. I have no events scheduled to appear as Santa.

I am isolating and keeping to myself for the most part this holiday season.

And that's it for special memories this holiday season. Sorry. I'm not sure what's going on with me. It's been a weird year. I've been in monk-mode since spring, not going anywhere or seeing anyone.

[esters-notepad]

It may not always be obvious on the outside, but the inside of my head is a weird place. Somehow, my brain attached itself to the idea of combining the @chrumblr-whumblr challenge with Johnny Cash songs, and wouldn't let go until I made a list. Half of the songs are from American IV, the other half from a collection of greatest hits. If somebody wants the list, drop me a comment and I'll post it!

No guarantees that I'll write all through May. In fact, no guarantees that I write anything more about this at all. But I did write something for the first prompt: blindfolding.

Jenkins tried to breathe slowly. The rough sack over his head trapped the heat and damp like crazy. As if this blasted jungle wasn't hot and humid enough in the first place! His hands were going numb from the too tight handcuffs around his wrists, and the stones on the ground dug painfully into his knees and shins. The one silver lining of the day, Jenkins thought wryly to himself, was that the Koreans didn't seem to know that Susan was a girl's name. They'd taken down his rank and full name without so much as a twitch. Not at all like the first time he'd been taken prisoner of war, by the Germans back in 1944. They thought he was from the WAC at first. Then, after an intrusive medical examination established his maleness beyond a doubt, they'd scheduled him for execution in the morning, as a sexual degenerate. Thankfully, he'd been rescued that same night. Jenkins shook his head, trying to put the memories from his mind. Apart from that horrible day in Normandie, Pa's little scheme had prepared him well for a life in the Army. Everywhere he came, there was speculation about what the S meant, of course: Stan? Sam? Steve, perhaps? Jenkins never told anybody, but it always came out anyway. Sometimes he'd have to bust a few heads over it, but usually it stayed at good-natured ribbing. He was a good soldier, and people appreciated that.

Jungle animals cried out to each other. Somewhere in the middle distance, a motor vehicle drove away. The Koreans talked with each other, softly enough that Jenkins couldn't have heard what they were talking about even if he'd understood the language. Jenkins shifted his knees, trying to find a softer spot. He idly wondered what his old Pa could be doing right now. He had to be getting on in years, just like Ma. He'd gotten a Christmas card from him once, the year after their big showdown. Jenkins never replied, could never think of anything to say, and so there weren't any more cards. Did the old man even know that his son had gotten married? Maybe Ma had told him. Jenkins couldn't help himself. When he thought of Milly and Ma in their little cottage at the edge of town, he broke out in a proud grin beneath the sack. The two most wonderful women in the world, caring for each other in his absence. And ever since his last leave, Milly was expecting. She knew, of course, that he had no intention of putting his own sons through the same hell he'd grown up in, even though it had worked out all right for him in the end. So when she wrote to tell him the good news, she wrote "I know that if it's a boy, you want to name him Bill after my father. But what if it's a girl? Then can we name it Sue after you?" I love you, Milly, Jenkins thought. Dear God, I love her so much. Keep her safe - keep the baby safe - please keep me safe, and let me come back home and meet the baby and provide for them. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

[vikings-til-valhalla]

I'm sorry I haven't updated this blog on the situation with my mom in almost 2 weeks.

Long story short, it's gotten worse. In every way.

I think I said last time that mom was sent home New Year's Eve, and that was where I'd left off. Well... the next day, New Year's Day, everyone woke up and we gathered together to open presents from Christmas. As we did, mom couldn't lift anything beyond a glass of water. And even then, it was a struggle. She could barely breathe, and kept complaining about her shoulder hurting. She kept using her inhaler. Too much. 3x in a day and you're supposed to go to the hospital. And she'd used it 3x in an hour.

I tried to convince her, and my father, to go to the hospital. But my father doesn't believe in any doctors ever, and argued there was nothing anyone at the hospital could do except tell mom to set up a cardiologist appointment, and that cardiologist will take care of this. I was absolutely livid, seeing as my father always refuses to admit he's wrong or even hear he's wrong. I told him the hospital could inject painkillers, and do X-rays, and give her the IV she clearly needed. And still, father wouldn't listen. I, angry, went to my room and fell asleep for many hours.

At 9pm I was woken up to a knock at my door. Father said he was taking mom back to the hospital. Finally. I said ok, and fell back asleep.

I woke back up again at 2:30am. I checked my phone, and realized a mass text had been sent to everyone, extended family and immediate. It said everything. All of it. The cardiologist who'd done the first surgeries, he drove in immediately. He ordered painkiller injections, and X-rays. Just like I'd said the hospital would do. Minutes later, Mom had stopped breathing, and couldn't talk. She was in a panic. Doctors sedated her, and instantly airlifted her by helicopter to the original hospital where she'd gotten her first surgeries. Examining the X-rays, they learned mom had fluid all around her heart, and multiple blood clots in her lungs. Immediately, the surgeons got her into a room and began yet another surgery.

9 clots were removed from her lungs. Mesh had been placed inside her lungs to prevent any other clots from reaching them again, which would kill her if they did. The fluid was removed from around her heart. But she remained under sedation, and to be honest, from the sound and urgency of the texts, I thought I'd surely lost my mom. I don't remember if I slept anymore after that, I don't remember anything else except for the next text I received at around 9:30pm the next night. Father was on his way home. Mom was still sedated, I think, maybe she wasn't, I don't remember. But after over 24 hours waiting, I'd seen a message saying she was at least stable.

The next days were a blur. Mom woke up at some point, and had lost all recollection of being brought home for 2 days, and had no idea where she was or how she got there. Whereas I'd been doing video calls with Mom every day since her first admittance to when she got home, I hadn't heard her voice or seen her face in days. All I had was the word of my father, who kept me updated on how she was doing.

I worked 1 day that week. And when I got in and checked the schedules for the upcoming weeks, I saw I had been cut back to just Saturday work. Despite the fact that I gave full time availability, and dropped out of college to work more, I'd gotten a kick in the ass. And that exact same day, a giant bill went through, overdrafting my only bank account by $140. I was worse than broke, and with no way to pay off the debt with working one job that utterly betrayed me.

The next day, I saw my mom at the hospital. For the first time in... a while, I'd seen her face. And she was doing alright. She said she was better than she'd been feeling. She had another giant blood clot that formed in her leg, and so she couldn't walk. Additionally, she was on oxygen, and given Albuterol treatments 5-7 times a day every day. We cracked tons of jokes to the point even the nurse was laughing, and we talked a lot. Then, when she was tired, my siblings, father, and I, all drove home. I was starving. I realized I hadn't been eating much. One meal a day. Every day. For... I'm not sure how long.

Father ordered pizza, and I scarfed down two slices like my life depended on it. I was about to go for more, but everything that was ordered was eaten between the 4 of us. And I went to my room, hungry. After father went to bed, I checked the fridge for something. Anything. I found nothing beyond some molded cheeses, and a partially stale roll. No slices of bread. So, hungry and tired, I found shredded cheese in a bag, slapped it on the roll, and threw it in the microwave a few seconds. I scarfed it down. Then, I went to bed.

I woke up shaking and weary the next day. I looked for something, anything to cook, but all I had was breakfast foods, and some vegetables. None of the basics. No proteins. I think I made a grilled cheese with what remained, but that was all I ate that day. Everyone else in the house had money, and plenty of it, and they were buying meals daily, or groceries that only they were allowed to eat and wouldn't share with anyone. They went out with friends all day, or ordered in, and father spent all his time at the hospital with Mom. So, I was alone. Broker than broke. With no food. And no way to get food. If I asked anyone in my house, I'd have to pay them back. And I'll be damn lucky to pay off the $140 I owe the bank with this paycheck that's coming.

I considered going to my friend's parents for the night, and asking if they'd feed me by some miracle. But, ashamed, I didn't go. I cried myself to sleep, hungry, weak, and made an executive decision for myself: I'd, for the first time in my life, go to the food pantry, and see what I could get my hands on. Bring that to my room when nobody was looking so I wouldn't be judged or asked questions, and keep it hidden. I fell back asleep until the pantry opened, and, checking my phone as always, found that some kind stranger sent me money for food. I cried again.

That moment, desperate for anything protein to eat, I ordered chicken and cheese to be delivered to the house. I ate it all in one sitting, starving up until that moment. Then, for dinner, I got a pizza and giant cookie, which I split across two days.

Today, I got a call from my mom for the first time since I saw her in the hospital. She was on and off with health. Her legs are probably going to be bound tomorrow. She's still on oxygen, and there's a chance, when she comes home, she'll remain on it via a tank. Nobody is sure yet... And I'm scared.

She, at the latest, was supposed to come home today. But, like every day, the doctors extended her stay for another 3-4 more days at least. But in my heart, I know it'll be far more than that. 3 weeks overall since the first surgery. And things have just kept going to shit.

Today, I ate 2 bowls of pasta, which was at least 1lb of pasta. I also ate the last of my cookie. The remaining pasta will sustain me another day or two. But after that, seeing as I didn't go to the pantry, I don't know what I'm going to do. All I can do is hope that mom is back by then, and then I can ask for her money to go shopping for groceries with.

My friend returns tomorrow, after weeks away. 3 weeks I believe. I've lost track of time and how much has passed. I just know that I work again on Saturday, and that today, I'm meeting with my friend to talk after weeks apart. And, maybe, if I get the courage, I'll ask if she can buy me a bag of chips or something to help me out. If not, I understand, no big deal. But I'm scared shitless.

Things look bleak for me. When I gave everything to my job, it took everything from me without notice, at the worst possible time. I'm alone, on my own, until further notice. Until mom returns. Until I can land a new job that, maybe, just possibly, gives me more time. I'm not sure, though. I'm not sure about anything... I'm truly at my lowest. But I keep going, anyway, for the simple hope that it'll be better tomorrow than it was today. And someday that'll become reality. Like everything else, I'm not sure when that'll be. But I'll keep going, anyway. Through debt, hunger, and worse.

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

Walking on a Dream

The 2 days at home before surgery flew past. I said goodbye to my kids the night before we left knowing that the next time I would see them, I would be two weeks post-op and would look very, very different. They were no different to usual. My son grasped it a bit better, but their attention span and emotions weren’t in line with what was a pretty big deal!

The morning before surgery ended up being my first, and last CrossFit class since before Christmas. We had booked to go to CrossFit Green near the hospital and it was always my plan that I would do a final class in Dublin before surgery. I had just hoped that I’d also make it to some in my own gym before. It turned out to be the first (and last I hope) workout that I seriously considered quitting. I was so deconditioned from being out of the gym for a month and still not 100%. My heart rate skyrocketed pretty quickly. I knew I would never reach the numbers on the board. At the end, I didn’t actually do as badly as I thought given all the factors, but if I hadn’t been getting surgery, I would have been seriously pissed off at myself for even of thinking of quitting.

Later that day, was my marking appointment. That appointment had been in my head since my surgery was booked - maybe then it would all seem real, because that appointment would mean it was really happening. What I didn’t anticipate, were the nerves. It was like Éilís read my mind when I went in - “a lot of patients feel nervous for this appointment but leave feeling much better,” which was exactly what happened.

I signed the consent form to confirm I wanted to go ahead with the surgery. There was a section to say I understood there were alternatives to surgery. We both had a good laugh at that: “I think I’ve exhausted all of those 😂”

I took the final pictures of my diastasis that night. I didn’t sleep terribly, but I wouldn’t say I slept well. I was fasting from 4am (I set an alarm and took a protein bar just before) and no liquid after 8am.

I walked the 15 minutes to the hospital with Alex. He already knew - I wanted to carry my hospital bag as it would be the last time I was carrying anything for a while. I’m stubborn, but I had my reasons - I don’t like asking for help and if I can do it myself I will do. I was admitted at 10am. We went to a small waiting room until I was called. We waited only 15 minutes before they told me that this was it and we had to say our goodbyes then. That felt so strange, but I wasn’t at all nervous. Poor Alex looked a bit lost, but I felt pretty calm and definitely felt ready.

I was taken to a bay to get changed into a robe, compression socks and to give a urine sample. I was there just minutes, before a doctor started taking my medical history. I didn’t even have a chance to get changed once he left, as the next thing two nurses came to get my urine sample, take a blood sample and insert a cannula for my IV. Everything felt like it was happening at breakneck speed. I literally had questions about practically everything in my medical history being fired at me, as someone else took blood at the same time.

By the time that was done, I noticed everyone in the waiting area were being taken at different points and leaving the area we were in. What I didn’t realise was they were being taken along more or less for surgery. I don’t know what I expected, but I somehow thought I was going to be taken to another room to wait. I didn’t think the next part would be the holding area right next to the operating theatre!

I had absolutely no concept of time, but the last time I checked my phone it was 11:29 and at that point I was called. I knew my surgery had been scheduled for 1:30pm and I knew that meant nothing as such, but I had in my head I had ages to wait. When I was told this was the point I would be leaving all my stuff and this was it, I was pretty shocked. I was led to the holding area where they drew the curtain around me in a room full of patients waiting for surgery, just like I was. The only difference was, surely I had a while yet to wait?

The nurse came in to go through a final few things. She asked me had I been waiting long for surgery. In terms of that morning: no 😂 in terms of everything else: it felt like it. She patted my leg and told me it wouldn’t be much longer. I don’t know how I managed to stop myself asking, ‘how is this possible because everything seems to be happening so fast’ 🙈 I have absolutely no idea how long I was sitting there before Éilís came over. I was aware I could see lots of pairs feet under the curtain that were moving about and no doubt leaving for surgery. I could hear surgeons and anaesthesiologists alike speaking to patients and leading them away. Probably the thing that set me off was hearing someone at the desk in the room say something about, ‘Éilís Fitzgerald’s patient.’ It wasn’t me they were speaking about, but my heart rate hit the roof and I realised I had to chill the hell out if I was going to be sitting there, especially if it was going to be for some time yet. I tried to just close my eyes and take deep breaths to calm down. I think I actually even drifted off for a few minutes I was so successful 🤣

When Éilís came in, I honestly felt like it was a dream. Apart from the fact when I had dreamt about that moment in the months previously, it usually ended with me being told it wasn’t happening and I had to go away and put more work in 🙈 Thankfully, this was real this time and there was no going back. We spoke for a few minutes and she asked me if I had any last minute questions, but the answer was no. I don’t know why I felt so calm at that point. It’s hard to describe - yes the day felt like someone had pushed the fast forward button, and very surreal. However other than small moments in the lead up, I didn’t ever feel anxious or nervous. All I felt was calm and ready. This was absolutely what I wanted, with the person I wanted to do it, and I knew I was in the best hands. I had long made peace with decision that this was how my journey was going to end up. We were finally there.

I had a few more minutes to sit before they were ready for me, so I stayed where I was. I say a few more minutes, but I genuinely have zero idea of how long it was. The next thing I know, the nurse and the anaesthesiologist himself came over. I instantly liked him. He introduced himself as, “I’m the person who’s going to put you to sleep with some lullabies. Shall we go do that now?” He then apologised for the wait. I said to him, this is all happening a lot quicker than I expected. I really don’t feel like I’ve been waiting at all. “Oh we all feel bad you’ve been waiting so long.” It was crazy 😅 I genuinely felt like I was in the weirdest time warp. Everyone else thought I’d been waiting ages, but I felt like I hadn’t been waiting at all.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t that I would walk out the holding room only to be one or two doors down into the operating theatre. Or that I would just casually walk in and then be told to hop up on the table 😅 At that point they placed the wee sticky pads on my chest for all the leads for the monitors and applied the compression pumps to my legs there and then.

I was trying to take everything in. I couldn’t quite believe even at that point that it was actually happening. I didn’t even feel nervous at all, but there was a real sense of relief and excitement. There were loads of people in the room getting ready behind me. I was aware of Éilís coming through the door to my right. The last thing I remember was the anaesthesiologist asking me the colour of the cannula, ‘pink to make the boys wink’ 😂 and then a pink mask being placed over my nose and mouth. I just remember that sweet smell of the mask that was the same as when I used gas and air in my first labour. I could feel the gas I was inhaling, and the nurse told me it was just oxygen, but I guess it probably wasn’t because I don’t remember anything else after that 😂 Either that or the timing of that was exactly at the same minute as I was given the knockout. Last time I trust someone that tells me that 🤣

My first memory was kind of coming to in recovery and thinking, ‘whoa I think I’m going to be sick’ and promptly retching. I wasn’t actually sick, but a doctor came over sharpish with a sick bag and then I was gone again. I just remember thinking, ‘bloody hell why do I have to go and test the abs straight away doing something like that 😂🙈’ I vaguely remember being told when I was going to be taken upstairs, but I felt like I was being pulled back under and couldn’t fight off the sleep. I remember being left in the room, but it was a colossal effort to keep my eyes open. The last thing I recall at that point was being aware of whoever was next me - the woman and her husband were speaking Spanish. I felt reassured that I must be okay, because I heard and understood everything they said (although if you ask me now I couldn’t tell you what they said!) I always thought I’d be the one waking up speaking Spanish under the influence of the painkillers, but it turns out I was just meant to be in the bed next door 😅

The next thing I realised my visitors were in the room. It took absolutely everything to force my eyes to stay open, but the fact that they were there I knew I wanted to be conscious. I still had absolutely no concept of time. They were only there a few minutes before Éilís came in. She could have told me absolutely anything and I would struggle to remember. What I do remember is her taking off the binder to let me look. I have no idea how I reacted or what I said. I’m guessing I shook my head in disbelief (because that’s still how I react now). Despite the fact my tissues were very stretched, somehow the quality of those tissues was actually very good for the sutures to take hold. There are no guarantees, but it’s likely the load I had put through them and the work I had put in which made the difference. I was told my diet was going to be changed due to the fact that she thought I might get really sick from anaesthetic because of the volume of it going through someone smaller framed like me. Somehow though, I managed to eat every meal I had and I didn’t retch again. I wasn’t at all sick and have no idea why. Maybe my body was just able to cope somehow.

I’ve spoken to a few people who said they had slept great the night of surgery, but I didn’t at all. Despite the painkillers and feeling like I was in a fog, my brain just wouldn’t switch off (no change there then) and of course the nurse came in regularly to see if I needed more pain relief so it felt like the night after I had each of my kids, where they just keep checking on you. That’s obviously so reassuring, and if I was asleep I wouldn’t have noticed, but I just didn’t sleep well for whatever reason.

In the morning, my catheter was taken out at 7am and I knew I’d be up and going to the toilet for my first walk. The nurse helped me the first time and I was immediately shocked at how straight I was able to stand without forcing it. I had expected the worse, so was pleasantly surprised when it just felt comfortable to stand almost straight. The nurses changed my bed when I came back because they said I was a query for staying another night, which was reinforced by the fact I was told to make another dinner choice. I knew most patients left the next day, so that was a bit confusing, but I put it down to my low blood pressure. If my blood pressure is anything, it’s always low. When I had my son, it was dangerously low the morning after given birth and I couldn’t stand. I knew it wasn’t as low the morning after surgery, but everyone remarked on it. ‘Is your blood pressure usually low?’ was a question I was asked by a couple of nurses and the physio.

When Éilís came in to check on her patients, she confirmed there would be no reason why I couldn’t leave that afternoon after showering etc. It sounded like I had been marked as a query to ensure if needed, the bed was there. That visit I remembered a bit better 😅 she took the binder off again to show me and said she was happy with how everything looked.

My nurse came back in and said she would change my belly button dressing after my shower. I managed to shower myself which I was surprised at, but so relieved. It just felt amazing to feel clean. My dressings were changed and I was then able to get dressed and put my binder back on myself. Of course, I was knackered by that time, so all I wanted to do was sleep. I was waiting on my prescription when Alex came in. The nurse read it out and I just remembered looking over at Alex thinking, that can’t be right. It sounded like the only painkillers I was being prescribed were paracetamol! Alex said, “Claire, when I had surgery on my hand I ended up with more than that, that can’t be right.” I asked Alex to get the nurse who had been with Éilís in the morning to ask her. Her face when I explained was an absolute picture! It turned out the doctor who had signed it hadn’t realised I had an abdominoplasty! 🙈 It was promptly corrected 😂 I can handle a lot, but wouldn’t have liked to be climbing the walls with the pain later thinking, why didn’t I say something?

The hospital physio visited me before I was discharged. It felt completely ironic if I’m honest. At the very beginning, we now know I should have been seen by a physio on the ward after having my son, and ever since then I’ve lucked out when it comes to physios. I couldn’t help but smile wryly at the fact I wasn’t being discharged post-op until I had been seen. She said my surgeon had told her I was pretty clear on everything I could and couldn’t do, but she just wanted to check coughing, breathing and log rolling. She readjusted the bed and when I log rolled, she told me I was really strong in doing it so she had no concerns. The coughing was no doubt the worst thing about being post-op. It is absolute agony, but a necessary evil to ensure I didn’t end up with a chest infection or worse post anaesthetic.

Before leaving, she took my blood pressure thinking she would get me to walk the corridors and then downstairs. I was game, but she decided because of my low blood pressure we wouldn’t do it. I felt able to, but this was day 1: there would be plenty time to test the waters when the time was right. She handed me a leaflet for post abdominal surgery and apologised: “you can’t do the majority on here anyway which I’m sure you know, but I mistakenly crossed out walking as well. You can walk and that’s it.” 😂

We were lucky to be staying across the road from the hospital. However, I was more than a bit mortified when Alex said he’d be taking me in a wheelchair to the apartment then would return it to the hospital. That led to a hell of an argument 🤣 but in the end I had no energy to fight him on it long enough to get my way and walk myself. I’ll probably never forgive him for making me do that. Talk about overprotective! I love him, but honestly I swear he insists on some things knowing how much it’ll wind me up!

I thought I’d struggle sleeping at night, but thankfully not. Although positioning myself took time, we got there eventually. Alex drove me crazy at times, but I can’t fault him as a nurse. He was on top of my painkillers and what I could take and when, did everything for me like dressing me, drying my hair and helping me clean my belly button. He cooked, brought everything to me and opened every door before I could even think of doing it. The odd time I slipped up, he gave me the hard stare that I’m pretty sure he reserves for me when I piss him off because, I’m ‘too stubborn.’ 🤣🙈

The second day I probably wanted to go out for a walk, but I was exhausted, and ended up napping on the couch. I hadn’t felt great that day so I listened to my body. While I was keenly aware of how everything felt like it was going better than I had expected, I knew I would now play a part in that in terms of what I was doing. The Monday after surgery, I went for a small walk and although I was walking a bit gingerly, I was pretty much straight when I was walking. I’m naturally a really fast walker, so to see Alex slow down for me was a reality check, but I knew I would get stronger at some point and wasn’t bothered how long it took, I was just grateful to be doing well.

That evening, I spotted my ankles were pretty swollen. I knew going to bed I would be immobile for the whole night and while I could have taken the compression socks off between days 3 and 5 post-op, I made the decision to keep them on at night. I also decided that on top of walking outside during the day, I would walk lengths of the long corridor in the evenings outside our apartment. Alex said it wasn’t quite 100m so I would do ‘there and back’ a few times. The first time I did 4 times, only for Alex to tell me it was quite quick so I decided to do more. Every night thereafter from then on, (with the exception of two nights when I was just too tired) I did 10 full lengths of the corridor which would take about 20 minutes (at the start) on top of any walk during the day. I wasn’t actively trying to do them quicker (Alex doesn’t believe that, but it’s true), but each time got quicker and easier. It gave me a bit of movement before bed, and equally some alone time and headspace to try and figure things out.

The next day was the only blip in my initial recovery. I noticed there seemed to be an infection at my belly button. I had been told that was really common given what belly buttons are, but I just knew it wasn’t quite right. When I explained how it looked over the phone, Éilís agreed it sounded infected and prescribed me antibiotics. I probably caught it a day earlier than maybe normal, as the next day it was red around it and looked more infected, but by that time I was already getting antibiotics into my system so thankfully, had no issues with a fever or anything else. I’ve always been hyper aware of everything going on at my tummy and that wasn’t about to change post-op. I think that’s probably why I caught it so early.

At 7 days post-op, I had my first physio consult. We discussed surgery and how I was doing and they had a look at my tummy. They both remarked how upright I was and how good it looked. I think Antony even commented I was looking ‘jacked.’ I have no idea what he was seeing, but I’ll take it 😅 The whole thing was surreal. I couldn’t believe a week had passed since that absolute blur of a day that would change my life forever. I still can’t get over it now.

The next day, Alex was leaving to swap with my Mum, who had been looking after Cailean and Emily since the Wednesday before. We had agreed it wasn’t fair on the kids to be away from both of us for so long, so Mum would come out as Alex went home. I would be on my own for about 5 hours, with Alex threatening to lock me in if he thought I was going to do anything that wasn’t allowed 🙄 I had suggested I would do my outdoor walk before my Mum arrived, but I had to compromise to my lengths of the corridor. Even then, he wasn’t happy I would be opening the apartment door myself. When he was leaving was the first time I got emotional. He had driven me crazy as I said, but I couldn’t have done it without him. Not just surgery - everything I had gone through in the last almost 4 years. He has been my rock throughout and I’m so lucky to have him.

I was probably a bit more emotional on my own between Alex leaving and my Mum arriving, so I was glad when she arrived a bit sooner than expected. During that week, I continued being able to walk more and for longer, but still listening to my body when I needed a rest.

The Monday after Mum arrived, was probably the most eventful. I thought my infection was getting worse - although that was based on how my belly button looked. It was decided that the way I cleaned it would change - no more antiseptic or ointment, just water and instead of a dressing, a panty liner inside my vest under the binder to ensure it was wicking any moisture away from the belly button. I was relieved - it previously felt like a never ending cycle where I would clean it, try to dry it as much as possible, but it would look worse again the following day when I took the dressing off.

My Mum had arrived in Dublin with conjunctivitis in both eyes, but it was steadily getting worse. I had no idea how to access doctors while we were there, but we ended up in an out of hours clinic at a nearby hospital. She had heard how awesome the doctors were and didn’t want to miss out 😂 That was probably the first time I was in close proximity to others outside of the shops in the waiting room without my jacket on. I watched two families with toddlers waiting to be seen. I’ve been that soldier many a time with my two. I suddenly thought they’re probably looking at me thinking I’m due a baby myself…only to look down and realise, “Nope. Nobody will think that ever again.” 🥹 It was the first time it hit me, but even then it felt like the feeling was barely scratching the surface.

My final appointment before going home was to get my dressings off at 12 days post-op. It was the weirdest feeling walking into the hospital and up to Éilís’ office, when the last time I had been there was my marking appointment the afternoon before surgery. I had taken paracetamol before just because I thought it would probably hurt. By that day, I had come off all painkillers and was only occasionally taking paracetamol - usually for a headache rather than anything to do with surgery. The dressings coming off wasn’t the most pleasant experience, but it was over quickly thankfully. It was the first time I got to see my scar and I know it seems strange, but I was delighted. It was the next big part of the puzzle post-op. When the nurse got me to look in the mirror once she had trimmed the sutures and cleaned it, I think I once again shook my head. I just couldn’t believe that that was what I looked like now. I still can’t. I was told the swelling below my belly button would go down and there were some cracking bruises, but I couldn’t care less if this is how it looked from now on. I’m over the moon and blown away the results. Compared to how I came into that office 13 days previously, it was night and day.

It was even harder to comprehend when the nurse took the photos and compared them to the very first consult last March 🤯 she put them side by side and said: “you can tell you’re fit and strong, but look at the difference.” I swear I feel like one of those Churchill dogs in those adverts that used to shake it’s head. I just cannot get my head round it.

Leaving the appointment though, I felt strange and I can’t really put into words how I was feeling. There was an air of finality creeping in again and I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know the words to thank my surgeon and her team for everything they had done. How can you thank someone who has had such a profound impact on your life? Who has changed your life for the better? I still can’t comprehend that this is it. I still don’t feel any of this is really real. I don’t know how, or when that will change.

My team - my physios, my surgeon and of course my husband - want to protect me at the minute. I love them for it, but there’s no denying: no matter what we all do, there is a weight of expectation and I can’t ignore it forever. Even in the lovely comments on my first update post-op, I had incredible comments like: “the whole community are wondering how you’re getting on,” “the update we’ve been waiting on,” “lots of us interested having followed your journey,” and “can’t wait to see your next update”. Even that’s hard to believe. People have been following from the beginning and they want to see it through with me to the end. It blows my mind as much now, as it did in the beginning.

I came home to my kids and my husband two days after that appointment. My son has grown up with this as much as I have lived with it. There have been times he’s been fixated on my tummy, and he completely understood everything about it getting fixed by the time surgery came. It came as no surprise then, that every single day I FaceTimed him when I was away, he asked to see my tummy. When I eventually showed him, he was speechless, which is pretty impressive for an almost 4 year old, who never stops speaking! The poor wee guy couldn’t comprehend it either.

I know it might be hard to understand why I have shared everything over the years and now I have the biggest update of all, but I’m not ready to share yet. I’m really struggling with it myself. I don’t know how I feel about everything. That’s partly why I made the decision to release these blog posts first. I hoped that if I tried to process it by writing (which has always been my go to throughout this journey), maybe I could figure it out. I’m reluctant to see anyone I know yet. I was happy in my bubble in Dublin because no one knew me there. I could go out for a walk and be completely anonymous. I go out for a walk now feeling I might bump into someone. I don’t want to hide away forever, but I’m dealing with some huge emotions and thoughts right now, after what has been years of my life.

There is one thing for certain I do know in all of this - how even more incredibly lucky I am now. Not only do I have my amazing physios, I now have the most amazing surgeon. I knew that before she even laid eyes on me in person, but throughout all of this, that has just become clearer each time and of course, no more so than when I woke up post-op. Her skills as a surgeon were never in doubt; but they were the cherry on top of an incredibly kind, caring and supportive person who got me as a person, how I felt, and what I wanted to achieve from day 1. That is everything I could have asked for and more. As with everything I have experienced throughout, there will never be enough words to express my gratitude for what my team have done and continue to do for me.

I have videos and pictures from those early days post-op. I will post these when I’m ready. I know many women following are considering or are getting an abdominoplasty, and I know maybe something I share might help. Maybe even just as reassurance that if that’s the decision they’ve made, they won’t regret it.

I have never been ashamed of getting surgery. It was very clear to me, even as early as 2020, that it would be my only option. That was reaffirmed when I was opened up. There was just no way I could do it myself: no matter what I did and no matter how hard I tried, or how long I put in the work, and I know I did absolutely everything humanly possible to try.

When the time comes, I will be putting the same efforts into my final chapter of rehab. Whilst I know they wouldn’t agree, it’s the very least I owe my surgeon and my physios. Once again, so much time and effort has been put into me and I couldn’t not repay that the only way I truly can. Even then, that probably won’t ever be enough for everything they have done for me. 🍀🌟❤️

[rainbowgothdisaster]

so when i first started working at dg i knew they were anti union, as most corporations are, but its whatever bcuz im working for fun. i know my rights and i know my closest allies will always be my coworkers (note for later)

then i watch the cbls and actually cackle at what they're saying. most of the "we want a personal relationship" crap is whatever, thats pr so i brushed by it and was mostly listening to how they they lied and their fearmongering tactics ("[. . .] they forced me to strike and march the picketline, how is that looking out for my best interest?"). it was genuinely funny to me and like many ppl told me that if union organizers come by i should absolutely join or sign or whatever.

but generally i considered my store manager seperate from big ppl in the company bcuz of how friendly she is. i knew she still wasnt like. 100% trustworthy so i refuse to explicitly disclose that im disabled or if i do then only vaguely. ive only had little problems not worth bringing up to me, and genuinely want to help out as much as i can to keep the store open since were a bit short staffed. the paycheck is definitely a plus but i wanted a job to consistently get out of the house and beat back seasonal depression with a stick.

but i realized today i may have been a bit too accomodating. i rushed to work after a therapist appt, i covered for the manager, and i even came in early this week and had a 9hr shift, this is my first job and im having fun even if its a lil taxing on me. im not giving more than im getting (yet) but im def giving more than im used to.

i made plans for tomorrow knowing ive had a day off for several days, and i know that she changes the schedule around but id only noticed her changing what hours ppl come in. so i genuinely didnt expect my day off to disappear, esp when i covered for her last week and didnt have my sat/wed off for 23 and 27 since the store is closed right in the middle for christmas day.

it was fine at first, i was upset id miss my plans (it would go on without me) but while getting ready for work i progressively got more upset until i was ready and ate some food, felt better, got to work, had my two alone hours rushing thru the line and trying to work totes as much as i could where i again just got progressively more upset. but at that point i was kinda resigned to it. id begrudgingly accepted it, i know i have to get used to that kind of thing bcuz i cant always take off for events and event cant always be planned around my schedule. besides i had been having a lovely day aside from that so it was almost okay.

my coworker showed up and i vented to her a bit and she straight up told me she shouldnt do that and that if she were me shed tell her she couldnt show. it kinda went on like that with her gassing me up, so i just texted her and let her know i would not be able to work bcuz i had plans i made before the schedule change that i didnt tell her about bcuz it was on my day off so it shouldnt have been a problem.

she said she also had plans, i repeated myself that i wouldnt be able to work and she repeated herself and said i should contact the district manager and that she was on vacation and turning her phone off for the next two days. at this point i was on break and i did genuinely start crying, i said im not giving more than im getting but im still an autistic with chronic pain, severe depression, severe anxiety, and chronic fatigue syndrome. doing things like learning how to take a truck over the phone, learning how to sell propane over the phone, working our busiest hours (3-6) by myself, and general customer service bullshit is like. like mentally im better than i could be but goddamn this store is a nightmare.

i got the district managers number from my coworker and messaged her, and my coworker let the assistant manger know what was going on.

the store is closing early tomorrow unless someone steps in bcuz we cant close alone. my coworker has no problem getting an early start to her vacation (that has been planned since before i even started working!!!!!) and i am going to have a lovely time tomorrow.

you forget how ppl help you realize when you're being mistreated until ppl step in and have your back. we had someone transfer out of the store bcuz of this exact same scheduling bs, and our assistant manager was about to quit over this store manager.

but shes been demoted (seperate thing) and is transferring so were all staying right where we are :)

[allylikethecat]

ally!!!!! i’ve always loved You Know Where the City Is but wow this is the best chapter by far! like i’ve gone from obsessed to mega ultra double obsessed. everyone talking about wrapping fic!matty in a bunch of blankets and feeding him some soup is so real- you always manage to make the most cozy sweetie pie characters no matter what the fic is about. (it goes without saying that fic! taylor much like the real deal is just perfect and i love her)

counting down the chapters till we meet fic!george. so intrigued to see how there relationship will play out since you said it might not be what we expect…. love a good surprise!!!!

im practically bursting with excitement to read the christmas fic and any of the prompts you have been working on but good things take time! please don’t feel rushed to give us new content you already do so much for the sickfic matty community lmao.

hope you have a happy holiday break🥹 sending love always (also don’t be alarmed if i reblog the majority of your prompts on here soon- i have such a bad habit of liking a fic and then scrolling past it once i’ve read it so i need to go back and hunt for them all and actually save them for next time)

Ahhh thank you SO MUCH for this lovely ask omg, and thank you so much for always being so lovely, and kind and supportive 🥰 I apologize this took me a few days to respond to- I usually try and respond to asks on my laptop because I find them easier to formate and alas I had not been back on desktop Tumblr until now.

I'm so, so, so happy to hear that you enjoyed the newest chapter of You Know Where the City Is! I went back and forth on that chapter a lot (an original draft included a trip to Target lol) but I'm really pleased with how it came out and am glad that other people like it as well! Fictional!Matty (and Fictional!Taylor) could REALLY use a hug oh my gosh. They are both going through it and the worst part is they don't even realize how unwell they all 🥺 Fictional!George will be making his appearance very soon! All I can say is that Fictional!Matty is an unreliable source of information 👀 I hope people end up liking how it plays out!

I'm so excited about the Holidays fics but WOW I hope I can actually finish them in time! I haven't even finished the first one yet and I feel like the holidays are getting closer and closer faster and faster 😩 one second is was the beginning of November and now suddenly it's the end of December?! Who allowed this to happen!? I'm behind on the little schedule I made for myself- but hopefully I'll get them both done! Of course my plot bunnies are like "ummm Ally we have all the inspiration for this completely unrelated project!!!" and I'm over here like "not NOW"

We will hopefully be back to our regularly scheduled prompt fulfillment and sickfic programing after the holidays! I'm sorry about the delay, I know people are looking forward an end of SATVB / IV situation fic and I promise I am working on one!! Alas I have just also been really busy with real life.

Thank you so much for the love and I hope you have the most wonderful holidays as well! If you're ever looking for all of the prompt fills I have filled - they can be found here!

Thank you so much again for your kind words, for reading my fics and for your support! You are just so lovely and I am so grateful for your kindness! I hope you are having a wonderful night / day and will hopefully have some more fic ready soon!

❤️Ally

[pokemon-teacology]

I hate being sick, both because it suck and also because it gives my Pokémon an excuse to dote on me like No, darlings, I'm supposed to be taking care of you and making you meals and tucking you into bed (or in their case their pokeballs) after a nice hot bath or equivalent heating method, not the other way around.

Anyway battle club is tomorrow so I'd better be better by then, I've got shit to do and essays to write and all that fun stuff.

We've decided secret Santa this year already too, my friends from back home and I. I'm so excited to make and buy stuff for it! We won't be meeting up until after the new year due to clashing schedules, but I'm not too upset about that, I get to see most of them while I'm here anyway.

I've already gotten the kiddos gifts (including my brother, though he's only barely still a kiddo). I'm not telling here in case they find my account. I decided to get Sonia smth for the first time in a while too, since we're back in touch.

I'm... Debating whether or not I should get something for Leon this year. I mean, he's gonna be right there on Christmas day this year (if my sources (his mother) are correct), and I'm popping over to give hop his gift anyway, so I may as well???? But like,,, what the fuck do you get a man with enough money to get himself anything???? What am I supposed to buy him that he doesn't already own and that he actually needs or wants? I haven't actually had a convo with him one-on-one since we were kids, I don't know what his interests are now other than Pokémon and terrible, terrible hats. But we spoke back before ei left for paldea and once the awkwardness settled it was just like we were 10 again, and ive really missed having my friend :(((

But yeah no I got nothing. But that's fine! I'll just procrastinate until I have to find something last minute and the miracle of convenience will help me happen upon the perfect thing in the nick of time. That always happens for stuff like this, so it'll be fine.

I've got to figure out what to get my parents, too :/ and my younger cousins, I've got no clue what to get them. My Mons' stuff have all been purchased secretly, none of them know what I'm getting for the others or themselves, so all I need to do is wrap them the day before and we're all good.

Also, the mid-season break of the trainer cup in galar is starting in a few days due to the temp drops lately in galar, so I'll do a big update on the past few weeks once the final battle is through.

[froggibus]

adding onto this, would love some opinions/advice if anyone would like to give ^^ (more details below)

essentially i started working at the same job i had last year (sept - dec). my manager is a very kind lady who promised to save my job for me and actually did, but there was a lot of confusion this year on whether i was a seasonal or a year round

i took on the same responsibilities as the year rounds (which is what i was before) but i started at the same time as the seasonals, was told today was my last day and wasn't on the schedule for the new year

i have been working 25-30 hour weeks on top of being in school full-time, and routinely picking up an extra shift or two a week when a coworker asks/calls in sick

i have two other coworkers who work the same position as me and got hired slightly before i did last year (let's call them mercy & moira). we're all the same age

i have always had more responsibilities than the two of them despite working the same position. i love the two of them like siblings and we're all friends outside of work, but i get frustrated because theyre both very capable people but my manager just puts everything on me

i had some personal problems the past week, and when i showed up for work on monday, started crying at the start of my shift. im a very analytical person irl and don't usually get in my feelings like this, so it shocked my manager

my shift on wednesday was fine, but i started feeling sick about a quarter into the shift i had on thursday. i did my best to keep working but i started to get lightheaded and asked my manager if i could leave a half hour early, and she enthusiastically agreed

yesterday night i wasn't feeling any better, and texted all of my available coworkers 8+ hours in advance to see if anyone could take my shift and no one could. finally, i called in sick and apologized, to which my manager said nobody could cover my closing shift and i needed to come in

i looked at the schedule and saw mercy was closing with one of the seasonals, and we usually only have 2 people closing anyway, so i asked my manager about this. she said since its so close to christmas she wants 3 people to close and then texted me a few minutes later saying the assistant manager said she could stay later and cover my shift

i thanked them and that was that or so i thought

i still felt sick when i went to work today but took some medicine and worked through it. about an hour and a half into my shift she calls me into the back to have a talk, sits down and asks me if i still want to work there

i was confused and said yes, which started her off on a tangent about how ive been switching shifts and sick lately, somethings going on with me, im not happy at work and im 'burdening' my coworkers with my personal problems

aside from thursday and friday this week, ive called in sick to one shift (last month) and came in late (less than 15 mins both times) twice, all of which she was very much okay with and had tons of notice.

she had me scheduled to work 11 days in a row (starting last week and ending today) and my assistant manager told me that was probably a mistake and i should talk to her about it. when i did, she said its because i said i had open availability after school ended (which is true and i agreed to work more hours) and she needed those shifts filled. i apologized for questioning her and said i was happy to work those days, but she ended up giving me tuesday off anyway

i almost never talk about personal stuff at work, aside from maybe mentioning movies/books etc to make conversation, or the occasional conversation about school, so her mentioning my personal problems confused me

she also mentioned she got me my job back for a reason (implying im not a seasonal), because i was so great at it before and she was so happy to have me back, but she doesn't feel like i'm happy to be there lately

she ended the conversation by telling me to leave (2 hours into an 8 hour shift) and think about if i really still wanted to work here and get back to her. then she hugged me, told me she loved me and gave me a christmas gift before i left

i really love and respect my manager and my coworkers, but this conversation left me completely confused and blindsided. i tried to ask her for specific examples throughout the conversation but beyond me calling in sick yesterday, she didn't/couldn't think of anything

i'm just completely at a loss on what to do here and how to go about this. my sister and my partner said that she was in the wrong, and i like to think im pretty self aware about these things, but i think its impossible for any of us to be unbiased and i wanted some extra opinions

im in a good enough place right now where i could leave the job and still manage to get by, but i really don't know what steps to take here

just learned I will be out of a job starting on sunday :,(

but I guess that means more time for writing ^^

gonna update some blog things & get back to you guys

[246sn]

⸝⸝ ★̲ 〉 enhypen x gg week!

hello everyone! since i am still a writer noob, what better way to find out my writing style by mixing the things i love the most: enhypen and girl groups! i will start my account strong by having an enha x gg week where i create enha fanfics out of some of my favorite gg songs and post them everyday for a week!

191221 — rebirth by red velvet ꔛ jake

synopsis : you fall in love with transfer student turned best friend! jake and begins to notice yourself changing for the better after meeting him.

201221 — so bad by stayc ꔛ jay

synopsis : despite getting rejected by your one sided love! jay multiple times, he still constantly acts friendly with you which always leaves you confused. you've had enough of all the hurt and devised a plan on making him realizing his true feelings towards you.

211221 — happy birthday to you by joy ꔛ sunoo

synopsis : looking back at the time when you first meet your soulmate! sunoo for the first time, you realize how happy he first made you that day despite the gloomy weather.

221221 — happy by taeyeon ꔛ sunghoon

synopsis : after weeks of not meeting due to contrasting schedules, you finally reunite with your long distance boyfriend! sunghoon and decides to have a cuddly evening for the both of you. to be rewritten

231221 — eleven by ive ꔛ ni-ki

synopsis : during the nishimura's annual christmas ball, you meet the playful prince! riki who convinces you to ditch the ball to dance with him all night long.

241221 — bittersweet by dreamnote ꔛ heeseung

synopsis : you and heeseung are closer than friends but not close enough to be together. due to this complicated relationship, you start becoming confused and awkward which slowly turns your sweet relationship into something bittersweet.

251221 — not shy by itzy ꔛ jungwon

synopsis : it has been years since you've had a crush on jungwon but he has never noticed you despite your greatest efforts. during your final year of high school, you've had enough and decide to take matters into your own hands.