#ive had this in my mind for a while and its always bothering me so I finally drew it

[puppppppppy]

learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way

[ratatatastic]

no im still on maffhew calling the forsymaffhew lovechild a missile

[dragoncarrion]

hmm

[jihyoruri]

❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ ❚ 𓍢 LOVEFOOL ahn yujin x idol!reader

🪽★ ͘ ⴰ in which yujin realizes that the girl that the girl that’s caught her attention is the same annoying younger sister of her ex member that told her she needs dance lessons

warnings: yn is apart of new jeans and is sakura’s younger sister, fluff, yn is described as a brat, swearing

all yujin can think right now is how stupid she is.

of course the yn that she’s fallen for is the little shit head that told her that she needed “dance lessons” a couple years back.

yujin was definitely in shock when her and wonyoung knocked on the door to the lesserafim dorms and instead of being met with one of the members at the door, yn opened it, the girl that she’s been talking to for the last couple months.

also sakura’s little sister.

“hey unnie, what are you doing here?” yn asked with a smile on her face, opening the door wider so wonyoung and yujin could come in.

“I should be asking you that,” yujin says standing in front of the girl awkwardly earning a confused look from yn as wonyoung walks deeper into the house, leaving them at the front.

“you mean chilling at my older sister’s place?” yn says tilting her head, yujin would’ve thought that was adorable but due to the circumstances that was the last thing on her mind and it was now her turn to look confused.

“you never told me kazuha was your older sister,” she replies dumbly which causes yn to let out a big laugh.

“my last name is miyawaki not nakamura you dummy.” yn says in a playful tone looking up at yujin and pushing her shoulder softly.

wait?

“oh…”

“yeah oh,” yn mocks before grabbing yujin’s hand and placing the older girls arm over her shoulder, “now let’s go, she’s actually been wondering who ive been talking to, I can’t wait to see the look on her face," yn says mischievously and again yujin would’ve found it adorable if it wasn’t for the circumstances.

"oh, also my members are here as well."

yn who yujin now remembers as sakura’s brat of a little sister is the same yn that’s practically her girlfriend, how did she not see the similarities? yn is still very much a brat the only difference is that yujin now finds it cute rather than repulsive.

and the last names, gosh was she really blinded by love to not realize that yn had the same exact last name as her former member?

yujin wonders if yn still sees her as a bad dance, yn is an amazing dancer one of the best yujin has ever seen, was yn just suppressing her thoughts now that she liked yujin?

yujin doesn't know why it bothered her but it did, if yn really did still think she was a bad dancer it would completely ruin her self confidence, who knew when you liked someone how much power their opinion could have over you.

"hey, you okay?" yujin looks down to see yn looking up at up her still lucked under her arm, "are you nervous? come on its just sakura who you should be worried about is minji-gosh I can already see the glares." yn rambles.

"I'm okay," yujin smiles at yn hesitantly, thoughts still clouding her mind as they reach the living room where everyone is.

the talking that filled the room stoped when they entered the room, sakura's eye widening when she takes notice of yujin's arm over yns shoulder.

"yujin, you're the girl?" is the first thing that comes out of sakura's mouth, yujin can feel the new jeans leaders gaze on her but that's the least of her worries right now.

"yeah..." she responds nervously, yujin really wished now wasn't the time that all of this was being unwrapped not with all the thoughts that are circulating her mind right now.

"why is it so quiet?" yn asks with sass in her voice like always causing everyone to start back up their conversations while sakura gets up from her seat on the couch and walks over to the couple.

"is this for real?" she whispers, "you guys genuinely like each other?" both girls nod, yn with a little bit of more attitude because is that even a question?

sakura turns to yujin, "you know she's quite the handful right? can you handle her?"

"she can handle me just fine thank you very much." yn butts in leaning into yujin's side as yujin nods.

sakura stares at them for a little longer before letting out a sigh, "as long as you guys are happy I guess,"

"we're gonna have to set some ground rules, but that's for another time, we're gonna play just dance come on."

dance? why did that sound like the worst to yujin right now.

yn squeals and removes herself from under yujin's arm and jumps onto sakura's back as the older girl walked away, "I'm gonna crush everyone."

yujin trails behind them, this should've been an enjoyable moment but not with all these insecurities circling her mind.

she walked into the room and gave everyone a greeting and smile as they set up the game before taking seat beside minji who leans over to her, "we're gonna have to set some ground rules."

yujin lets out a sigh "yeah, I figured."

yujin kept to herself as everyone had fun playing the game and just as yn said she destroyed everyone, it was at the point that everyone was trying to forbid her from playing for the next couple of rounds but it was all fun and games, yujin wished she was in the right state of mind to enjoy this moment with everyone else.

"hey," yujin is snapped out of thoughts by the voice she loves the most, she looks up to see yn sitting beside her while everyone is still discussing kicking yn out "wanna verse me?"

that did not sound enjoyable at all.

"no, it's okay," yujin says quietly.

"are you okay?" yn asks worried, and that's a tone that you'll barely hear from the younger girl, "your vibe is completely off right now."

"I'm fine."

yn shot yujin a look that screamed "get real" before standing up and grabbing yujin's hands and pulling her into the hallway nobody even noticing to deep into their deep discussion.

"okay, tell me what's going on." yn said crossing her arms over her chest, "and don't give me any bullshit"

yujin lets out a sigh and mumbles so quietly that yn couldn't hear her.

"what?"

"If I'm gonna be honest I completely didn't put together that you and sakura unnie are sisters so seeing you here today really brought it to light but then I remembered what you said to me a couple of years ago about how I needed dance lessons and it didn't bother me much back then you were just really annoying but then now with how much I like you and I wonder if you really think im a bad dancer yujin says rushingly while yn looks at her in shock.

"yujin," she whispers her face softening as she grabs both of the taller girls hands, "of course I think you're a good dancer."

yujin just stares at yn as she continues, "you really remembered what thirteen year old me said to you? thirteen year old me thought you were the cutest girl ever but decide to tease the hell out of you because she couldn't handle having a crush."

yujin feels a smile make its way to her face at that, "you had a crush on me for that long?" she teases quietly as yn rolls her eyes, "yes, and im sorry for making you think that you weren't a good dancer, you're amazing"

"yn apologizing, this is a once in a blue moon experience." yujin smiles pulling yn closer to her who just laughs and rolls her eyes once more, "yeah, yeah don't get used to it," she responds before softly placing her lips softly on yujin's who kisses her back right away chasing yns lips when she pulls away from the older girl laughing.

"lets go back before minji untie realizes were gone and loses her head." yn says interlocking her hand with yujin who nods understandingly.

"evern though she's younger than me she's really scaring." yujin says as yn drags her.

"lets not focus on her and lets focus on how im gonna crush you in just dance, that you'll want dance lessons."

that should've made yujin offended but all she could do is smile and look at the younger girl fondly.

she really was a lovefool.

[ilovegeorgie]

who knows how long i’ve loved you?

george harrison x reader

genre: confort / fluff

warnings: self harm !

summary: george becomes concerned for a friend who has been struggling.

a/n: please be aware that this fic mentions self harm, i personally have been struggling with this for a while and know how bad it can get. if you are going through this, you are not alone, there’s a lot of people that care about you, my dms are open if you need to talk to someone :)

the soft hum of the guitar strings echoed through the quiet room, george’s fingers moved his guitar. it was a quiet evening, george has been playing for a while, but he couldn’t ignore the feeling that something was missing.

lately, he has been worried about one of his closest friends who was slipping further away from him, but he couldnt figure out why. He had known her for years, long before all of this "beatlemania" stuff was even a thing. they shared everything with eachother, but recently she has become distant, her pressence less vibrant and her laughter was quieter. george had come to realize that there was something different about her when she stopped acompanying the band to rehersals, she loved going and messing around with john and ringo.

it was late when george decided to visit her, he was seriously worried about her and despite the late hour, he couldn’t ignore the feeling that something was wrong. he grabbed his coat and stormed out of, heading to her flat, hoping that just seeing her would help put his mind at ease.

when he knocked on her door, there was no answer. he knocked again, a little harder this time, hoping that she was home. a few moments later the door opened slightly, and he finally saw the eyes he was long awaiting to see.

"george..?" her voice was soft, and there was a hint of surprise in her eyes, but there was something that george couldn’t place.

"darling" he said full of concern. "i was worried about you, can i please come in?"

she hesitated, looking down at the floor for a moment, then turning to see into the flat before nodding and stepping aside. "sure, come in" she said.

george stepped into her small apartment, the lights were dim, casting long shadows across the room. she had always kept her place neat and tidy, but it this time it seemed quieter, emptier. the silence between the two of them was thick, but george couldn’t just stand there, he knew something was wrong, and he needed to know what.

she sat down on the couch, loking down to the floor avoinding his gaze. her hands were clasped tightly in her lap, and george noticed her trembling. "darling.." he began, his voice low but full of concern. "ive been woried about you lately, i dont want to offend you or anything, but you’ve been acting... different lately. you know that you can talk to me about anything right?"

she stayed silent staring at the floor, biting her lip until she finally spoke, her voice barely above a whisper.

"look george, i’ve.. i’ve been going through some stuff" she admitted, her words trembling "i know that you and the boys have been recording lately and.. well, i just dont want to bother you with my stuff"

george sat down next to her, he wanted to say something to make her feel better, but didnt know what. he then gently placed his hand over hers. "darling, you will never be a bother to me" he said softly. "whatever it is, i’m here for you"

they locked eyes for a second before she quickly looked away again. "it’s just... its all too much right now, everything feels so heavy" she said, her voice cracking. george felt how his heart broke in that instant.

he placed his hand on her arm, trying to confort her. it was then when her sleeve shifted slightly, revealing a few marks along her wrist. george froze as his heart his clenched even more in his chest. her arm trembled slightly under his touch, as if she feared he might pull away, or worse, pity her, but he didn’t. instead, he tightened his grip on her arm, not wanting to let go.

“my darling, you don’t have to go through this alone, please. whatever’s going on… i’m here. you can trust me with everything, i’ll always be here for you” he said as her eyes filled with tears "i didn’t want you to see them… i didn’t want anyone to know"

george gently turned her arm over, his fingers tracing the scars. "you don’t have to hide them from me" he said quietly, his thumb brushing over her wrist "you don’t have to carry all of this by yourself. whatever it is… i want to help you"

she took a shaky breath "its just that.. sometimes.. i have all of this thoughts and it just becomes too much and... by doing this... it’s.. its the only way I know to make it stop. to feel something other than all of that".

"you’re not alone in this, okay? i promise that we’ll figure it out together. i’ll always be here with you no matter what”

she turned her head away shaking, george could tell she was trying to hold herself together and without thinking, he reached out and pulled her into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around her as she cried. "i’m sorry," she whispered, her voice muffled against his chest "i just don’t know how to stop it"

"oh darling.." george whispered, his hand stroking her hair gently. as the night stretched on, her tears began to subside as she remained curled into georges embrace, her head resting on his shoulder. he gently shifted so they were lying on the couch, still wrapped in each other’s arms.

"i’ll stay with you. i’m not going anywhere." george whispered softly, his breath warm against her hair. she them turned her head slightly, just enough to look up at him. "why?" she asked softly. "why would you stay with me?"

"because I care about you" he said quietly. "i always have, and i know that i always will. you dont know how important you are to me"

[joemothersfavoritechild]

“across the street” pt. 2

-3k-ish words

-mike schmidt x fem!reader

-no trauma au

an: thanks for all the love on my last post!! i took some inspiration from a few joel miller fics for this one. also, referring to the ending, gotta let it marinate or sum. and if you get the orange reference, marry me.

summary: you have a late night phone call with yk who, and build furniture in the morning.

part one is here!

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You plopped down in your chair, sighing while rubbing hand sanitizer over your hands. Your shift had been busy as hell, this being the first break you had all day, and it was only halfway over. You wiped your now clean hands over your eyes, trying to rub the tired soreness out of them. At least the pay is good, you thought.

Your coworker calling your name pulled you away from your thoughts.

“25 wants you again.” They said.

“Why me?” You whined.

“I don’t know, I think she prefers women.” They answered your rhetorical, giving you a sympathetic smile.

“Fuck me, I’m going to have to take my lunch after this. I’m never working another Sunday.” You said, standing up on your practically creaking legs.

This was how the rest of your afternoon went, running in all directions like a chicken with its head cut off. “23 wants an ice cream,” “25 pulled out her IV again,” “Call security on 26, he’s trying to leave.” It was an absolute shit show, you hardly had a chance to see the time on your phone, let alone check for a text that you were desperate to receive.

Your drive home was quiet, soft music playing to hopefully decompress you. It always seemed to help. You pulled into your driveway, noticing the lights on at a certain someone’s house across the street, his old Accord telling you that he was home. You turned your car off, trying to stop looking at it from your rearview.

Walking into your house wasn’t as satisfying as you’d hoped, boxes still covering the floor. You took your shoes off as you set your work bag on the ground. You looked at your bed frame again in the dark, not bothering to turn a light on. Was a day too early to expect a message? Was that considered desperate? Probably, you thought. But fuck, you were so desperate. He checked all the boxes,

cute? : check

siblings? : check

caring? : check

a little mean? : check

dorky as hell? : check

abandonment issues? : probably check!

You forced yourself to pull your eyes off the box. As the saying goes, a watched fish doesn’t get caught.

That’s not right, you think. Your tired brain can’t decipher what you were trying to go for, but you knew it would’ve worked.

Anyways, constantly thinking about someone texting you doesn’t help anything. You plugged your phone into the charger near the couch, purposefully ignoring staring at it for too long.

Your eyes fell back to the boxes surrounding you. You passed them all, going straight to your bathroom to shower.

The shower was the right call, you decided. Scorching water loosened your muscles and kept your mind in the present. Washing the outside world off your skin was the highlight of your day.

You got out of the shower, eventually. The warm water didn’t last as long as you had hoped, though it did try. Your nearly hour-long shower would overwhelm any water heater on the market. You quickly dried yourself off, taking the time to brush your teeth and apply your skincare before wrapping your towel around yourself and stepping into your bedroom. You threw on some pajamas from your suitcase that moved with you; pajama pants and an old shirt.

You balled up your work clothes into your towel and put them all in the laundry basket in the corner of your room, already beginning to overflow. You reminded yourself to start the laundry sometime tomorrow as you walked back to your temporary bed, the large green couch in your living room.

You pulled back the covers on the couch, piling into it. You had completely decked it out; two blankets, a comforter, two pillows (one for your head, one for between your legs), and the fan dialed up. You closed your eyes, listening to the white noise of the fan above you.

You were interrupted by the shrill noise of your phone ringing behind you. You groaned, folding your blankets over so you could get off the couch and walk to the charger. You ripped your phone off the charger, taking it with you as you laid back into your bed. You re-adjusted your blankets before pulling the phone under your ear and swiping to accept the call.

“Hello?” You said groggily.

“Hey.” A voice responded. It took you a moment, but eventually, you recognized it. You were suddenly awake with nervousness.

“Hey, Mike.”

“Hi. Um, I texted you,” He said, sounding more like a question than a comment. “A few times, not a big deal. I just wanted to make sure you were alive.” He joked.

You paused, trying to quickly check your messages.

“You there?” He asked.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m here. Sorry, I’ve been working all day. It was super busy, so I didn’t have time to check my phone, and when I got home all I was thinking about was sleep.” You described.

“No need to be sorry, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You’re okay?”

“I’m okay.” You responded.

“Good, good,” He pauses. “So, um, how was your day?”

“Pretty shitty.” You summarize, hearing him laugh in the background.

“Tell me about it.”

So, you did. You proceeded to tell him all the gritty details about your job. What your coworkers are like, the patients that you had to deal with, the frequent fliers, all of it. He asked a lot of questions, making you feel more comfortable rambling on to him.

“What’d you have for lunch?” He asked.

“I had leftover wingstop, I barely have any food at the house.”

“What’s your order?”

“Eight-piece boneless, classic hot. With fries, ranch, and a huge coke. It was amazing,” You said, practically salivating remembering it. “What about you and Abs?” You asked.

“It was very fancy, I don’t know if you’re prepared to hear me talk about it, you might be jealous,” He said sarcastically. “I made cheese quesadillas.”

You laughed a little too long at that, surprised. He was funny, another check.

You talked on the phone for a while, so long that you were talking about the most boring stuff. Like how Abby was a picky eater, and it annoyed Mike because all he wanted to do was eat a good burger now and again. It was sickly sweet and felt like being a teenager again. Whispering as to not wake your parents up, hoping that they wouldn’t catch you up past your bedtime.

You’re not sure when it happened, but you fell asleep on the phone. Mike was talking about something, maybe about the tv show he had been watching. You’re not exactly positive, but you know that you passed out cold.

Your eyes fluttered open, the phone still pressed up against your cheek, warm from the contact. You blinked rapidly, trying to keep your dream in your mind. You had to think hard, as it was delicate. If you let it go, you’d never remember what it was.

It was a good dream, as most of yours tended to be. You didn’t remember a lot, only pieces of it. But you knew Mike was there. You knew that he had led you to your bed, pulling you under the covers with him. You talked, cuddling close to him. God, it had felt so real. You could practically see the lines under his eyes and the pores on his nose. You smiled, but this felt a little creepy at this point. Borderline delusional, your mind added. You barely knew him and you were already dreaming about him.

You grabbed the phone from under your face, groaning as it got unstuck from your skin. Thankfully, it wasn’t dead. You unlocked it, taking the opportunity to look at the texts that you had gotten the night before.

Yesterday, 12:36 pm: hey, this is mike. i’ll need you on the weekends from 8 am-4 pm. and idc that you said not to pay you, i’m building your bed too.

Yesterday, 2:49 pm: you okay?

Yesterday, 5:03 pm: not to be creepy, but i think i’m going to call you. you’re worrying me a little lol

Today, 1:45 am: i think you fell asleep, i’ll talk to you in the morning :)

You smiled, making a contact for him. “mike <3” was now typing. Three little dots popped up on your screen and you quickly swiped out in nervousness. You opened it again when you got a notification.

Today, 10:23 am: i dropped abby off for school and slept in a little, is it okay if i come over to build that bed frame for you?

You smiled again, quickly replying to make up for last night.

Today, 10:24 am: yeah, ofc. give me a few minutes to wake up lol, i need to brush my teeth and clean up for a second.

He replied immediately.

Today, 10:24 am: lmk when you’re ready

You willed yourself to stop smiling, god it had been too long. You hardly knew how to act with a potential date.

“Oh, god.” You muttered to yourself, realizing you had to talk to him. Why did you have to talk to a man to get a boyfriend? Why couldn’t it just happen telepathically?

You sighed, rolling off the couch. You plugged your phone back into the charger, making your way to the bathroom. You completed your morning routine and ran to your bedroom to pick something out to wear for the day. You decided to go for casual, grey sweatpants and a green hoodie. Didn’t want to seem too desperate. You pulled your socks up your feet, laughing at yourself.

You grabbed a quick breakfast from your kitchen, consisting of leftover cookies and a slice of cold pizza. You tried your best to tidy your place up, moving boxes to the corner of the living room. Running down the hallway to your bedroom with your boxed bed frame in hand, you placed it on the floor, taking the other boxes and moving them to the hallway. You scrubbed your toilet and sink, turning on the air fresheners you had placed around the house.

You washed your hands, drying them before returning to the living room. You texted Mike, letting him know that you were ready. He liked the text message, and in less than two minutes he was knocking on your door.

You eyed the door at the noise. Jesus, he was not playing around. You took another deep breath, opening the door to see him standing there with a small smile. He went for casual too, you noted. He wore a black t-shirt and a pair of grey sweats. He held a bag, which you assumed was full of tools.

You smiled at him as a greeting and opened the door wider to allow him to walk into your house.

“Hey.” He said as you walked past you.

“Hi, thanks for coming so quickly.” You responded. “You didn’t have to, the payment feels premature.” You joked, shutting the front door. He looked a you for a second while taking his shoes off at the entryway.

“Shut up, you can’t sleep on the couch for a week”

“I totally can.” You bite back.

“You won’t, where’s your bedroom?” He finished, looking at you again.

You were shocked into silence, feeling your cheeks warm up. The comment made your head spin. Fuck, could he tell that you liked that?

You said nothing, ignoring his little smirk as you walked him to your bedroom. He followed behind you, dropping the bag on the floor with a small thump.

“Do you need any help or something?” You asked finally, breaking the tense silence.

“No, I’m good. I’ve done a lot of stuff like this,” He answered, shrugging. “You could put on some background music?” He suggested.

“That, I can do.”

You nodded, pulling your phone out of your pocket. You hesitated, before choosing a slower playlist of yours. Something calm, that you didn’t have to focus on. He nodded in enjoyment, then began to open the box that held your bed frame. He spilled the contents onto the floor, then kneeled on the ground. He started pulling stuff out of his bag. You guessed correctly, it was full of tools.

You just watched, sitting down against the wall of your room. It was attractive, him expertly putting your bed frame together. He was good with his hands, you wondered what else he was good at. He looked at you after a moment.

“You just gonna watch?”

“If that’s okay.” You shrugged, he nodded at your sort of question. He tried to hide his smile.

He was going to town, drilling, piecing parts together, all while completely ignoring the instructions. He didn’t need them.

After a while, you could tell he was getting hot. His black shirt was sticking to his skin. You hated to admit that it did something to you. You felt a warmth settle in your stomach and tried your best to will it away. Your eyes settled on his back, looking up to his neck when he turned towards you.

“Why’re looking at me like that?” He asked, eyes narrowed out of curiosity.

You made eye contact with him like a deer in headlights. Smiling at you, he laughed a little. Your words were stuck in your throat, embarrassed about being caught.

“Um, do you want some water?” You settled on.

“Sure.” He answered, chuckling at your suddenly shy demeanor.

You stood up off the floor and walked out of your room, closing the door behind you. What the fuck was that? You scolded yourself, internally. Now he was going to think that you were a horny weirdo. I mean, you were, but he didn’t need to know that yet.

You shook your head at yourself as you poured him a glass. This was ridiculous, you needed to chill out.

You came back into the bedroom and handed him the glass. He took it from you gratefully, fingers brushing over yours as he grabbed it. Telling you a small “thank you,” he brought the glass to his lips and began to drink greedily. You watched him as he downed the glass, some dripping down his chin.

When he was finished, he wiped a hand over his stubble. He looked over to you, a smile pulling at the corners of his lips. He held the glass out to you and you took it, quickly walking out of the room.

You placed the glass in the sink, blinking to try and bring yourself back to life. How did someone make drinking water look so good? How was that even possible? And god, the look he gave you.

You needed to get it together before you blew it. Talk to him, say something, anything other than just fucking staring at him.

You walked back into the room with a mission, you were going to talk to him. Taking your spot on the floor, you cleared your throat.

“So, what’s your favorite food?” You decided on.

He barely paused before answering, “Definitely pasta, like a good chicken alfredo.”

“Shit, that’s a good answer. I’m really into sushi right now. Can’t afford it, but into it.” You said, smiling at his willingness to answer.

The stupid questions continued for a few minutes. The two of you got to know the smallest details of your likes and dislikes. Turns out, Mike can’t stand the color yellow but loves orange. He’s not much of a drinker, mainly because he can’t afford it, but he does occasionally smoke weed. He’s a cat person but would get a dog if Abby asked for one. It killed you when he talked about his sister because it was so obvious how much he loved her.

Eventually, he finished your bed frame. The gentleman that he is forced him to carry your mattress in from the laundry room, helping you set that up too. Mike may have been on the shorter side, but he was strong as hell. The two of you put on your sheets, blankets, pillows, and finally your comforter. It was almost too domestic, too real.

When you were finished, you didn’t want him to leave. You think he felt the same. This was confirmed when he saw the tv sitting in your closet.

“Do you want me to mount that for you?” He asked.

I want you to mount me, you fought against saying.

“That would be great.” You agreed.

Mike probably spent three hours helping you put your bedroom together, setting up shelves, arranging your cabinets, and helping you put your pictures and posters up while you talked his ear off.

Even though you told him a million times that he didn’t need to, he hung your clothes up in your closet while you folded the rest to go in your new dresser. Finally, your room was fully decorated and unpacked.

He rubbed his hands together, settling on the end of your bed. You sat next to him.

“Thank you, seriously. I was dreading doing all of that by myself.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He said.

You both looked at each other for a second too long, the tension between the two of you becoming thick. You took breaks from looking at his eyes by moving down to his lips. You took a deep breath, noticing him moving closer to you.

He hesitated, pushing a stray hair behind your ear instead. His hand lingered on your face, eventually moving down your arm to put your hand in his. He interlocked your fingers together, pulling it close to him and pressing a soft kiss on your knuckles. He held you there, hand resting on his chin. This was almost more intimate than a kiss, you thought.

“Do you not-” You started, getting interrupted.

“I want to, believe me.”

You looked at him, willing him to continue.

“I don’t want you to think that’s all this is.” He explained, you nodded. You know that this was him being respectful, but it made you want to tear his clothes off even more. Forbidden fruit, if you will.

“Let me take you on a date, tomorrow on my lunch break. I know a place you’d like.” He continued.

“Okay.” You said, smiling.

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**i do not give anyone permission to use my work as your own, respectfully

this belongs to @joemothersfavoritechild **

[marloloweler]

﴾ Avoidant, are we now? ﴿

╭ ─┉─ • ─┉─ ╮

After March had pestered Dan Heng one too many times, he's finally had enough of her antics. In a surprising turn of events, March's oh-so-genius idea of using Stelle as a human shield unexpectedly worked...for now, at least.

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‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ❥‎Honkai: Star Rail

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ❥‎Ler!Dan Heng, March 7th (briefly)

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ❥‎Lee!Stelle, March 7th (briefly)

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ❥‎This fic is entirely platonic/familial. • Additional brief mentions and appearances from Pom-Pom are included in this fic as well! There are also brief mentions of Himeko and Welt, but no actual appearances from them.

‎ ‎ ‎ ❥‎Small disclaimer ;; I use They/Them pronouns for Pom-Pom here (I think those are the canon pronouns too), as well as They/She pronouns for Stelle (argue. with. the. wall. 🧱 /lh)

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ❥‎Rahhh, hi @yellowelectroslime!!! I'm your squealing santa delivery driver person!!!!! I had bad burnout during the process of writing this, as well as a good old-fashioned diagnosis of the sad and unfortunate concept that is writer's block (it's 12:32am as I'm currently posting this but I'll be off to bed soon bc i gotta wake up for school in like 5 hours help), I'm so, so, SO sorry for taking this long!!! I hope you've had a happy new year and the best of your holidays!!!

‎ ‎ ❥‎So happy to have participated in @squealing-santa for a second time!! I think I've improved from my squealing santa fic in 2023!

‎ ‎ ❥‎Anyways this trio has me sobbing and weeping on my knees. After hearing March's constantly cheerful and goofy laughs during her dialogue and the very rare moments that Dan Heng chuckles, I genuinely need to hear how Stelle's laugh would sound ingame. Thankfully, her voice actor (I love Rachael Chau /platonic) sounds deathly similar to her character so it's very easy to imagine!!!!

‎ ‎ ‎❥‎Please bare with me as I may go a little off character, this is my 2nd ever hsr fic (the stelle and march fic i wrote like prob almost 2 years ago is so- aagghh i hate it pls stop reading my old stuff guys 😭😭😭😭😔😔😔😔💔💔💔 /sar)

‎ ‎ ‎❥‎This fic takes place before the events of either Jarilo-IV or the Xianzhou Luofu, mainly during the time where Stelle had first joined.

‎ ‎ ‎ ❥‎Word Count: 1,648

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ❥Fic Under The Cut!

╰ ─┉─¡! • !¡─┉─ ╯

March 7th had, once yet again, dug her own metaphorical grave even deeper than previously. She had been told off countless times by both Dan Heng, and Pom-Pom.

Well, mainly Dan Heng.

She would always constantly pester the archivist in his work, always determined to get the stoic man to learn her optimistic ways, himself. Despite this, he had always gotten onto her for the bothersome attempts; eventually resulting in the poor conductor having to start dragging her away.

It was always the same old "Don't bother passenger Dan Heng while he's working! Pom-Pom's told you already, you know better!" from the conductor, yet she wasn't planning to back down just yet.

Well she eventually did listen, though not for very long. It wasn't until Stelle had joined the express crew that an idea clicked into March's brain. A risky idea, at that. Knowing that Stelle wouldn't necessarily know any better about being outside of her room (or near someone like Himeko or Mr. Yang, for that matter actually) whenever she was acting out her schemes and antics, March grinned while the cogs and gears turned in her brain.

It was a very calm and peaceful afternoon on the Astral Express. Himeko was peacefully brewing her coffee, Welt was interacting with Pom-Pom (who was currently cleaning up), and Stelle had just woken up and was greeting the others as she had exited the party car, her room being on its second floor.

Meanwhile, March was in the hallway of the passenger cabin, completely bored out of her mind until she could almost immediately hear the frustrated and irritated groans coming from Dan Heng. Deciding to walk towards the door, and slightly peek in, she noticed him working on something in the data bank.

That's when March thought of a silly little idea to annoy the aloof train guard. Pom-Pom, having been walking by, noticed this and gave a glare towards March before they spoke up quietly.

“March, don't you dare. If you even bother passenger Dan Heng again, Pom-pom's not going to save you this time.”

But even still, March did not listen. It was to be expected at this point, though it was still pretty annoying for the crew at times. Just as the conductor strutted away into the parlor car, March began to strategize her plan. All she intended to do this time was just sneak up behind the archivist and startle him with a few taps to his shoulder and hide somewhere to snap a picture of his reaction.

That was what she *intended * to have happened. How it actually *went *, on the other hand..

March sneaking in and hiding was the easiest part of all, since Dan Heng happened to have a couple of empty boxes stacked up in the archives that he hadn't gotten rid of just yet. Therefore, she could hide behind those. Getting to start the second part of her plan, however, was a teensy bit more challenging. He seemed to be quite active in the archives today, so she had to wait out a while of him just walking around.

Thankfully, he stopped right in front of the data bank to work on it and update some things. Whether or not he was actually distracted didn't matter to her, March was just glad that this would work out all too smoothly for her.

..Or so she thought.

As soon as she knew the coast was clear, March set her camera up to immediately snap a couple of photos within a few seconds of initial delay. During that process, she had changed her mind of how she'd actually approach Dan Heng. She remembered how a few times of being asked, Dan Heng would always deny the possibility of him being ticklish and everybody always having gone along with it so as to not annoy him.

This didn't sit right with her, though. She had her mind set on his very reaction. After making sure that her camera was perfectly set up, She'd set the delay to about 11 seconds before pressing the button and slowly sneaking up on Dan Heng from behind. March's mistake, however, was not considering whether or not he was actually distracted enough.

Even still, she had “successfully” snuck up on him. As a result, she'd immediately poke and prod, as well as squeezing gently, at his sides before immediately hurrying back to behind the boxes after the photos were snapped. She was sure that he hadn't expected it and had to wait a bit before the photos were completely processed, yet she still “succeeded” in her plan.

Her second mistake was not actually checking Dan Heng's expressions as she went to hide once more.

After quietly and patiently waiting a few moments, her photos were eventually processed. March looked at the photos with vast excitement, only to look a bit shocked when she noticed how all the photos were of Dan Heng staring right at the camera intently, albeit with a slight smirk on his lips. Before she knew it, Dan Heng could be seen staring at her from the other side of the boxes with a dry chuckle escaping, despite himself.

“Seems you really thought this through, haven't you?” Dan Heng murmured in faux curiosity. “What a shame, you *almost* had me there. Don't think I'll let this act of your's slide, though.”

Just as he spoke, he began to try and approach her. Slightly panicky, though more playful than terrified, March bolted off without her camera. She was looking for a way to protect herself from the stoic guard, when she suddenly figured it out.

During all of this, Stelle had entered the hallway to go and ask Dan Heng about something, when she suddenly felt a tight hug from behind and gasped slightly in surprise. “Aah-! March?! What's going on- AHAhah-! Wahaihit! Dohon’t use me ahahas your humahan shield!”

Stelle could almost immediately tell that by Dan Heng jogging over and the light scribbling against her ribcage, March was trying to use her to get out of Dan Heng's retaliation. Though Dan Heng stopped in front of them to question it, this wasn't necessarily going to do any good for Stelle's defense.

“So now we're just resorting to using Stelle as the equivalent of whenever a criminal uses their hostage as a way to avoid my scolding, are we?” Dan Heng replied with yet another dry chuckle, though a bit more playful.

“Nuh uh! You'll have to get through Stelle first, Dan Heng! She's my accomplice, don't listen to her!

Despite the fact that he knew this would be exactly how March responded, Dan Heng would still be more merciful on Stelle since he knew that it was March's doing, alone. Yet, that still didn't stop him from having to quite literally get through Stelle first.

“Waihit! I- I nehever agreed to ahany of this! Plehease no! I have a fahamihily of nihine to feed! I-..! I have so muhuhuch to live fohohor!” Stelle, still giggling from March's light scribbles, was practically pleading for Dan Heng to spare her. Though she was being a bit dramatic and silly, it was pretty funny to see her giggling like this.

“Hmhm, your melodrama is actually pretty amusing to listen to. You almost managed to get a chuckle out of me there. I must say, you're quite the source of entertainment, Stelle.” Dan Heng murmured in amusement.

Approaching a little more, his fingers reached her ribcage and softly skittered around the sides. This sudden action left the poor trailblazer’s voice to pitch up slightly in octave from how ticklish the spot was for Stelle. She pleaded a bit, even twisting and turning a little to try and escape, though all attempts were in vain.

“NooOHhoo! DaAHAn HeeHEng! Waihihiit! Nahaohoott theheehe ribcaHAhaAaaage! P—PleheEAhease!”

March was practically beaming in excitement as her plan was working out so well for her. ..Almost *too* well, that is.

While she was set on waiting off Dan Heng’s efforts with this tactic of hers, the aloof guard was already two steps ahead of her. After a couple moments of Stelle practically crumbling under barely any effort from the tickling, he finally let up. While his first idea was to make sure Stelle had held up alright afterwards, he had a certain bubbly menace to deal with first.

“March,” Dan Heng started, his voice lowering slightly that could scare even Welt, himself, if used in certain circumstances. “Don’t think you're off the hook just because you dragged Stelle into this.”

Oh no.

March immediately took the signs and realized that what Pom-Pom had said earlier, mainly about not saving her from Dan Heng this time, really *was * genuine. She let out a few sheepish and nervous laughs before slowly backing up a bit and attempting to retreat to her own room. Dan Heng managed to grab onto her wrist though, trapping her in a hug from behind before slightly turning his line of vision to Stelle.

“You alright now? I’m assuming you needed something, so I'll get back to that once I deal with her.” Stelle nodded at his words, taking a few moments to catch her breath while she watched Dan Heng practically drag March back to her room.

Soon enough, high pitched squeals were audible from where Stelle had stood. While the trailblazer had eventually calmed down, she was still unsure how long it would take for Dan Heng to return; especially considering how much of a handful March could be sometimes.

She didn't necessarily pay any mind to it, however, and just waited inside of the archives. She picked out an interesting enough book, sitting down in the train guard's office chair for the time being to wait things out. Besides, it wouldn't be anytime soon that Dan Heng would be finished, after all, and Stelle wasn't impatient or busy today.

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[dirtybitfic]

Reality- pt.1

Matt x y/n - Matt was your creative writing professor throughout all four years of university , he made lectures interactive and fun making him your favorite professor , throughout having him as your professor you caught feelings for him , now that you have graduated you think about reaching out....

( didn't proofread cause I didn't have the energy so I apologize if there are any typos)

Y/n pov-

Ive been having the time of my life on vacation with my best friends , we graduated this past spring so we decided to plan an amazing trip to Greece .

Im more than happy to be done with school for the rest of my life but ... I find myself missing one class in particular on this trip . Every time I sit down to read or write about my day or even as I write the book i'm working on , I think back to my creative writing teacher . Ive always loved writing wether it was my dreams as a kid or crazy stories my mind would come up with I found it made me happy . After having Professor Sturniolo for four years he made me fall involve with literature and writing even more . The day I graduated he told me he was so proud of the student I had become in his class , he loved my determination and creativity , and he loved watching me blossom into the hopefully soon to be author I am .

I grew to love him and a professor but also I slowly felt the feelings blossom for him throughout the years . I mean he's young , he was only 23 my freshman year and 19 year old me was foaming at the mouth walking into that lecture hall , His fluffy brown hair, Peircing blue eyes, tattoo scattered arm and deep but calm voice god he was just perfect.

Im three glasses of Santo down while writing a few chapters of my book but start to read over it a bit and feel like its missing something but I cant quite figure out what. Thats when I remember Professor sturniolo told me I could email him anything I write in the future if I ever needed notes or help , he is a published author after all . I search in my notes for his personally email he gave me and start up an email .

*email to profesor Sturniolo

Hi mr. Sturniolo ,

Im sorry to bother you , but I wanted to see if you could maybe read over my latest chapters of my book i'm writing . I trust that you will give me the feed back and guidance I need .

hope your summer is going well !

( inserts pages for him to read)

sincerely , y/n

After clicking send my stomach flutters with nerves , the books I write are... suggestive is the best way to put it . Dark romance is the style i've always been drawn to something about a stalker romance does something to me . When I was in his class I kept it classy with my writing style so having him read this type of work by me seems a bit inappropriate but then again he is no longer my professor so its not as bad .

I set my computer aside and fill my glass again and take a sip as I look over the beautiful scenery in front of me . I put my AirPods in as I start playing Young and beautiful by lana del rey . I close my eyes feeling the warm breeze blow through my hair as a smile spreads across my face . I could get used to this life , traveling around , writing in beautiful places just being happy while doing what I love.

Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac comes on next and I stand as I slowly dance along to the music on the terrace and dramatically turn and grab the railing leaning back . It feels like i'm in a movie with how beautiful the scenery around me is . I hear the sound of an incoming email notification and my heart drops . I pause the song and sit back down looking at my computer seeing its from him . I take a deep breathe before opening it.

Good evening y/n,

I just started reading over the first few pages , your writing is amazing its filled with raw emotion which as a reader makes me more interested to keep reading . Would you be up or able to call once I finish fully reading what you've sent I think it would be a lot quicker for me to just tell you on the phone my feedback then type it out in an email.

Sincerely , Matt.

As I read over the email again just to make sure I read it correctly my heart literally falls to my ass . Im embarrassingly eager to talk to him on the phone . I decide to send him and email saying id love to call and left my number at the bottom .

I sit in the chair buzzing with nerves waiting for my phone to ring. I zone out looking at the water for god knows how long before I snapped out of my trance by my phone ringing. I look to see its a California # meaning its probably Matt.

I shakily pick up the phone and put it on speaker .

"Hi y/n its so nice to hear from you" his voice rumbles through the phone " You too I know its probably very late in California so I'm sorry for emailing you so late" I say shakily as the nerves fully take over my body." oh no please done apologize i'm actually in Italy right now so its not late at all" he says and I gulp Italy isn't too far from here meaning were probably in the same time zone. " oh god even worse ...I bothered you on vacation didn't I?" I ask now feeling terrible for bothering him. " No no trust me your fine i'm taking sometime here to get inspired for some upcoming books i'm writing so really its no bother at all" he says ending it with a warm chuckle that makes me smile. " well thank you again for even taking the time to do this I really appreciate it " I say sweetly " of course so lets talk about these chapters so far , I love the base line I think you've written dane very well , the detail you write about him makes it easy for me to envision him and get a feel for the character , ivory is written even better I mean she almost reminds me of you , but I think its missing some fear aspects . What I mean by that is Dane is her stalker and is following her around and entering her house without invitation so I feel like she should be more scared and fight back more than you have her , I feel like she's a bit too ... calm about the situation. I think if you add in that fear hes distilled in her it will help a lot with their character and relationship growth throughout the rest of the book but other than that I think the writing is amazing so far . I really am happy you came to me for help , I know I could be a little hard on you guys but I really did care about seeing you grow into the amazing writer I know you can be" he says and I cant stop smiling , hearing his kind words and praises have my stomach twisting and my heart beating a mile a minute. " I knew something was missing thank you so much this feedback really did help Mr. sturniolo " I say and I hear him chuckle " Of course and please call me Matt no need for the formality , you probably need to get some sleep I could imagine its very late in Oregon " he says and I smile

" well it is but i'm actually in Greece right now so i'm not to tired" I say " Oh wow then I guess you're watching a beautiful sunset right now , its beautiful here I can only imagine how amazing it is there" he says as I sigh and smile " It really is beautiful , the way it reflecting off the water is the best part " I say as I stand up and walk over to the railing looking out at the beautiful colors filling the sky " show me " he says and I furrow by eyebrows in confusion " what do you mean ?" I ask nervously " Face time me I want to see how beautiful it really is " he says calmly . " O-okay " I say as I hit the face time button and it connects almost instantly , I flip the camera quickly as I show it to him but instead of looking at it with him i'm staring at how fucking hot he looks . " wow your weren't lying its amazing " he says as his eyes move around taking in my view " I know , this place really makes the U.S seem dull and boring " I say as I still cant stop admiring him . "Sadly I have to agree with you on that " He says smiling . He flips his camera showing me the sunset he's currently seeing. " Oh my god ... its beautiful especially on a vineyard god I cant even imagine " I gasp as I take in the view . " It really is something huh" he says behind the camera . "mhm" I hum back smiling . He flips his camera back to his face and reluctantly so do I as I go to sit back down in my chair. " So are you in Greece all alone ?" he asks and I shake my head . " No i'm here with some friends but they've left me alone so I can write a little bit" I say and look into his beautiful eyes through the screen. " Ahh well that seems fun , a big trip with friends is always a good time " he says smiling taking a sip of wine . I admire him as I sigh and smile "Yeah its fun I just... I know i'm only 22 but I feel like i'm too old to be going out like they want to you know , its an every night thing " I say and he shakes his head laughing " trust me you are not too old y/n , you should be going out and having fun ... your young you gotta take advantage of it " he says and I smile " yeah I guess your right " I agree and he smiles before looking slightly behind me . I turn around seeing two of my friends standing by the back door smiling " WHO IS THATTTT " one of them yells and I smack her as she approaches . " No seriously hes so hot " my other friend says smirking . My face gets so red I look like a tomato . " Im so sorry Matt .... I should probably go but thank you again for the help " I rush out nervously " Of course y/n feel free to reach out anytime i'm more than happy to help " he says with a smirk that has me about to pass out in my chair . " Sounds good , have a good night " I say smiling " You too gorgeous " he says before hanging up. I gulp as I realize what he said before he hung up and my heart literally beets so loud I can hear it in my ears and feel it in my head.

" Guys seriously ... That was my old professor " I say as I turn to them still red in embarrassment . " WAIT LIKE ... PROFESSOR STURNIOLO THE ONE YOU NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT" she squeals and I nod . " Oh my god y/n whatttt ... he called you beautiful " she gasps and I hide my face in my hands . " I knowww " I say in a high pitched voice embarrassed. " Okay but like ... a FaceTime is crazyyyy , how did that even happen?" my friend ally asked and she sat down Callie doing the same. " well I emailed him asking if he would maybe read the recent chapters of my book and give me some feedback because I was struggling and then he emailed back and said it would be easier to call instead of email his notes so I gave him my number and then he told me that he thought my writing was great and a couple things I needed to add and then somehow we got to talking and he said he was in Italy and I said I was here and then he said something about how he was watching a beautiful sunset and I told him I was too then he asked me to show him over FaceTime so I did and then you guys came out and yeah " I rambled as they reacted with facial expressions and small gasps and squeals .

" No fucking way I mean girl ... he's gotta be into you I men he fully initiated the calls and shit andddd kept the conversation going after giving you the notes so like ..." ally says making me smile and blush . "Oh for sure he definitely wants you " Callie says smirking and shoving my shoulder . " No he doesn't y'all are reading into it to much" I say as I roll my eyes. " Y/n he called you beautiful ... be so for real right now he definitely likes you " Ally says and I cant help the smile that spreads across my face. " Okay I mean yeah but ... he was my professor we cant go there" I say and shake my head " Oh yes you fucking can , you graduated he isn't your professor anymore " Callie says making me laugh " okay whateverrr now lets go out I need to get drunk " I say as I close my computer and head back inside to get ready.

After a long night of drinking , dancing and laughing with my friends and random people we met throughout the night , Im stumbling up the stairs to our place with all of us giggling like school girls . " Y/n you should totally text him " Callie giggles and I laugh " No I may be drunk but I still know that would not be a good idea" I say and they all giggle " Oh come on you've wanted him for 4 years and he called you beautiful there's no way he'd shoot you down" ally says and I trip making us all laugh. " Shut the fuck up i'm not gonna do it " I say back but the thought runs through my head . " I mean you can send him a picture of this sunrise and say something like , this view would be better if you were beside me " she says and I burst out laughing " That is terrible like level 10 cringey " I say through gasps and giggles. " Okay yeah it was pretty bad but like send him a pic of it and say , is it as beautiful there or something" Callie says and I think about it " You know what okay fine ill do it" I say as I tussle through my purse grabbing my phone and taking a picture sending it to him then the " is it as beautiful there as it is here" .We all steel when I hit send and I throw my phone back in my bag .

" Alright i'm going to bed , my head is spinning right now" I say as I stumble to my room . I tear off my uncomfortable shoes and outfit and use a makeup wipe to get a good amount of my makeup off . Then flopping into bed way to exhausted and drunk to put pajamas on . I hear my phone ding so I fish it out now my purse seeing its a text from Matt . I open it and see its a picture of a sunrise with a text that says " Its pretty but not as breath taking as you" I gasp and throw my phone down giggling . I think of what to text back and decide to let my intrusive thoughts win " Thats a naughty thing to say Mr. sturniolo I was your student after all" with a smiley :) . I giggle at my text but my heart drops when I see the bubbles appear . " Key word was , ive always thought you were beautiful y/n I just kept those feelings hidden for the sake of being professional " his text read and I gasped . No way he just confessed to finding me attractive for these past four years . " Are you fucking with me ?" I text back . " No I mean every word I said , you're the most beautiful girl i've ever seen" he texts back and I scream into my pillow . " Well if we are being honest here ... i've had the biggest crush on you , the entire time I was in your class I couldn't keep my eyes off of you" I text back letting the alcohol fully take over . " Oh really , how many times did you fantasize about me during class?" he asks and I get nervous " every single day to be honest" I text back and 4 seconds later my phone is ringing . I pick it up giggling .

" Y/n " he greets " Matt " I greet back and I can hear him groan " Such a dirty girl for fantasizing about your professor " his deep morning voice says through the phone and I literally have to cover my mouth son moan doesn't slip out . " mm I have no shame about it " I say back smiling like a maniac " Oh I bet you don't , care to share any of these little thoughts you've had about me ?" he asks in a breathy tone making me clench my thighs " mmm I don't know, How bad do want to hear them? " I ask in a drunk but also seductive voice " Very bad " he answers back and I smile " Well i've thought about how you'd be in bed even had day dreams about it in class " I said and I could hear him groan " Oh trust me I know ... the way you'd look at me with your thighs clenched tight told me all I needed to know" he says with a deep chuckle . " y-you noticed that? I ask in a squeaky tone . "sweetheart I notice everything , you really think I didn't know you wanted me come on you made it so obvious" he says in a deep condescending tone making me clench my thighs as wetness pools between them . " I ... I didn't think I was that obvious " I say feeling embarrassed " No need to be embarrassed , I though about you too ... so so many times I wanted to take you over my desk but I couldn't ... but now now I can say whatever I want and there will be no consequences" he practically growls through the phone . I let a small whimper escape my lips and I can hear him groan . " God y/n you have no idea what you do to me" he groans and I whimper . " I could say the same to you Professor " I say in a teasing manner but I hear him mutter a fuck thinking I wouldn't hear it . " when do you get back to Oregon " he asks and I giggle " why ?" I ask " Just answer the question sweetheart " he says and I gulp " Friday" I answer and I can hear him click his tongue through the phone " You live alone ?" he asks and I gulp again " y-yes why" I ask again now feeling very nervous now. " How would you feel if I said im about to redirect my flight home to land in Oregon and stay for a couple days?" he asks and I can practically hear the smirk on his lips through the phone . " I-I yes I mean y-yeah id be okay with t-that" I answer back stuttering like an idiot as my stomach does summer salts. " Good now thats settled , ill be landing on Sunday that sound okay to you sweetey" he asks and I nod my head before realizing he cant see me . " Y-yes sir fuck I mean yes matt s-sorry force of habit " I rush out and I can hear him chuckle "Oh trust me I don't mind you calling me sir , sounds so good coming out of your pretty little mouth" he says and I moan unintentionally . "Well judging by the subtle slur to your words im guessing you haven't gone to sleep yet so ill let you go but well talk soon okay" he says " Mmm yes sir , goodnight " I say as I roll onto my side and get comfortable " Good night gorgeous sleep well " he says before ending the call .

Oh the girls are gonna freak about this when we all wake up .

....

[that-one-gay-writer1227]

Hi! Good day I hope I'm not bothering you. Can I make a request about a Yan Venti x reader with a breeding kink? Hehehehe

His and Only His

A/N: Thank you so much for this request Anon! Don't worry, you're not bothering me! I actually had a lot of fun writing this request, so if anything your submission made my day a wee bit better! I wasn't sure if you wanted fem, masc, or neutral reader so I went ahead and wrote it as neutral but fem-bodied. I hope you don't mind! Also I apologize for the delay, I've been working on a personal project of mine unrelated to Tumblr lol. This is the first time ive written a yandere fic so i apologize if its not up to par, either way i hope you enjoy.

Summary: A certain bard has been hiding some very vivid feelings for you that are borderline obsessive, and one day he decides he wants to take you home and fill you up after an accidental confession <3

Warnings: smut, breeding kink, manipulative and possessive yandere themes, slight overstimulation, penetrative sex (the reader has a vagina), sub-reader, dom venti, oral giving (reader recieves), pet names (baby, cutie, etc. ), marking kink, !everything in here is fully consensual!

Tagging: @hitomisuzuya hey!!! I thought you might like this one since you also like yan venti fics lol.

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You and Venti met a few months ago in one of mondstat's most renowned taverns, the angel's share, and soon became drinking buddies. Usually, you two would talk about the most random things; your days, assholes you encountered, books you've read, and music.

Once you had mentioned that you were interested in learning how to write poetry venti jumped at the chance. Even started an entire class to teach poetry. Everyone thought it was for the public, but no; it'd be all for you. Everything he was doing was all for you.

He just couldn't stop thinking of you. Your smile, your voice, the way you walk, talk, and breathe.

Archons, from the first night he met you, he knew you just had to be his.

His to hold,

His to love,

His to breed

To be fully honest, he's had non-stop dreams and thoughts of you carrying his children. He's always wanted a family, for centuries he's thought about it. Raising a son or daughter in a life full of music and stories. Everything had started pure and innocent; it could have even been labeled a crush. But the more and more the two of you talked, he just couldn't help how often the thought of you being full of his seed would come to him. Slowly creeping into every one of his waking thoughts until you being fucked so full was the only thing he was concerned with anymore.

So here you are, late at night at angel's share waiting for your favorite bard to join you. It was just after new years, and the breeze was as gentle as ever in the wonderful city of mondstat. You had ordered a drink from diluc, the current bartender for the night and the owner of the place. You ordered a simple drink just to keep yourself company while waiting for Venti to arrive.

As if he had heard your thoughts, the blue-haired tone deaf bard walked in the door, a large grin plastered on his face and his lyre under his left arm. He waved hello to diluc and Jose before he went up the stairs to join you at your usual table. He took a seat in front of you and your half-finished drink. The second floor was nearly empty, leaving only the two of you under the candles aglow.

You smiled brightly at him. "Why hello stranger! fancy seeing you here." You teased making venti chuckle.

"Ehe same to you stranger, I actually came here looking for someone dear to me. Their name is y/n, you haven't seen them have you?" He teased back, locking eyes with you.

You couldn't help but feel your heart flutter a little. although your feelings were not nearly as intense as venti's, you had to admit you had definitely been struck by cupid to some degree. He was someone who intrigued you and made you laugh when no one else could, something you were very happy to have in life.

"I might have heard that name a few times, any more information on this Y/n?" You wanted to keep this going for just a little bit longer to see how much you could bring out. You were beyond curious and honestly the wine you'd had made you tipsy so there was no fear of him discovering your little crush.

This made him smirk. He placed his thumb under his chin and grazed his lips with a sweet slide of his index finger, feigning thought for a moment.

"Well, for starters they have beautiful eyes, as strong as the sea and as free as the seven winds. They have a talent for writing some of the most dazzling poetry! They also blush the same way you are right now, a jaw-dropping red more vibrant than the brightest apples in all of mondstat!" He bit his lip with a slight giggle as you felt your face be lit aglow.

You knew he liked to tease, and that was part of the reason that you developed feelings for him, but how did you not notice how direct it was before? Normally his teasing was simply a nickname, maybe a quick pickup line. But this? This was making your heart jump back and forth in your throat and chest.

"i- well you, i..." You felt the words get caught in your throat. what were you doing? You needed to pull yourself together before things got out of hand. Quickly trying to regain your composure, you'd sputtered a quick sentence, barely audible "Shh... my poetry isn't that good..."

"Well I beg to differ, I think it was stunning. I liked it with my whole heart." Venti was quick to retort. He was really trying to be the end of you tonight huh?

"Well I like you with my whole heart" You were convinced you'd thought. You were shocked to feel that your mouth was open as if you'd just said something. You slapped a hand over your mouth, eyes bugging out. Venti looked at you, blinking a few times before his expression changed.

"What was that songbird? Do you like me?" He teased, leaning forward to pull your hand from your mouth. It took little effort, as he then took his other hand and pulled your chin in his direction, leaning over just a little and glancing down at your lips. "I wanna hear you say it songbird."

Please, don't let this be a dream; you'd think. You weren't sure what you were expecting after accidentally blurting your heart out to your best friend, but this certainly was by far the best possible reaction. You took a quivering breath and uttered, "I...I like you."

Something in his eyes changed, he was still looking at your lips, going back and forth between your eyes and mouth. Now his eyes were glued to your lips, something darker overtaking them. Watching the words leave your tongue, watching the shapes you make when you talk, the melodies dripping out.

"Can I do something crazy?" Venti asked, hushed but confident. Something that sounded a little too perfect not to have been rehearsed. You nodded hesitantly before he leaned in slowly towards you.

You felt his breath tickle your neck softly, there was a pause as you leaned your head to the side giving him more access. you felt like you were on fire. His hand slid from your chin to the back of your neck, pulling you closer. He gave a soft chuckle before locking his lips around your neck.

You couldn't help the gentle mewl that left you when he began sucking on the tender skin. The hand tangled in your hair gently got tighter as his kisses grew hungrier and more passionate.

You felt the heat of the moment jump between your thighs as he climbed over the table quietly. His hunger for you didn't seem to quench as he kissed your neck, it only became stronger. He began biting different spots on your neck, kneading the flesh with his teeth and tongue. It was only when you heard a group of people from downstairs leave that you realized that you both were on display, all it took was someone looking up.

You pushed him off you slightly, making him look at you confused and a little hurt.

"Can we go somewhere private, I don't want everyone to see us up here." his look softened as your words settled with him, he nodded and stood up, grabbing your hand.

~~~~~~~~~~

The walk to your home wasn't far. You lived in the capital of mondstat in a small apartment near the inn. It was just more convenient for the sweet bard to keep an eye on you, and to get closer to you. You fumbled your keys, trying to open the door quickly and distractedly.

Venti wrapped his hands around your waist, placing his nose in the crook of your neck, softly breathing you in. His hands squeezed ever so slightly tighter as if to preview what you were in for.

"Absolutely divine..." was all he muttered before a gentle breeze blew past you, opening your door.

You paid the weird phenomenon no mind as you grabbed his hand, leading him inside.

"Please don't mind the mess, I wasn't expecting company." Your shy mumbling was cut off when venti pushed you against the wall, going back to kissing your neck. He grabbed your sides, pulling your flesh against him. You could feel how hard he had grown just from kissing alone.

The sensation of feeling his hands finally being on you, the taste of your skin. It was intoxicating to him. He let his hands travel from your hips to palm the outside of your sex. He could feel how needy you'd grown from his touching. You bucked your hips into his hand as if telling him what you were so desperate for.

"Have patience sweet y/n. You'll get what you're so needy for when it's time." He moved from kissing your neck down, down, and down until he was sitting in front of you on his knees. He looked up at you with slitted and dangerous eyes. something you'd never seen on him before.

He began peppering kisses along the outside of your clothing, barely sending little shocks straight to your core.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted this, how long I've wanted to taste you." He pulled the hem of your pants, snapping the band closed. He let out a soft hum and looped his fingers, pulling your pants and undergarments down to his level.

The way his eyes glistened in desire was mesmerizing. He leaned forwards, nuzzling his nose onto the front of your folds, sending a chill down your spine. "Open your legs wide for me, songbird."

You did as told, lifting one leg over his shoulder, the other turned outwards to give him a better angle. He took this invite to slowly and passionately kitten lick everything his tongue would touch.

The room was filled with loud sounds of his mouth working wonders and your earthly moans. You gripped his hair as to take attention from your shaking, damn near faltering legs. you couldn't help the bucks you were making against his face. You loved the way he was moaning against your dripping sex, slurping every last drop you had to offer.

You felt the coil in your stomach growing tighter and tighter as you clenched your thighs around his head. His hands left his sex and under your thighs, pulling you closer and closer until you could only see his eyes peeking from under your flesh. Without warning, your riding became fevered, bucking widely you came all over his mouth.

Without missing a beat he ate every last drop, whining and whimpering at how absolutely amazing you tasted to him. When he was finished, he stood up on wobbly knees, still high from your orgasm, and kissed you sloppily.

You could taste your release on his tongue and the need in his passion. You bit his lip, trying to gain dominance, but you were only met with him sliding his tongue into your mouth, exploring every inch he could find refuge in. You wrapped your hands around his neck as he lifted you up.

With your hips around him, he took you to the couch and laid down on top of him. You kept your legs wrapped around his waist as he ground into you.

"Tell me what you want me to do to you," He commanded, propped up on his elbows above you, still grinding. his breath dancing over your face.

"Archons, please stop....teasing, I ne..need you to fuck me please-" You whimpered quietly feeling your need stronger than ever. You wanted to feel him stretching you, splitting you. His hands gripping your waist as he pounded into you.

He didn't say anything, he only leaned down and kissed you. His lips soft and methodic. He sent one of his hands down to your chest, gently squeezing, making you moan. He took the advantage to explore your mouth yet again. Taking your tongue and gently sucking on it.

You arched your back into his touch as he began taking his clothes off. Slowly, almost tauntingly he exposed more and more of himself.

Eventually, you both were left bare. His beautiful form in front of you. You blushed at what was to come. He spread your legs apart and leaned forward to kiss you again. You wrapped your hands around his neck and his hair as he lined his cock at your entrance.

He reached a hand out and cupped your cheek.

"You are mine. I need to hear you say that you're mine and only mine," He whispered to you. There was lust behind it, but also something more. Almost a desperation for you to reassure him that you weren't anyone else's. He needed to know that he was all you'd ever need.

"I'm yours. Only yours."

That was all he needed. A newfound primal drive pumping through his brain. His click, his trigger, and you just pulled it. He plunged into you. Starting very slowly, watching how he disappeared inside of you.

You arched your back and tightened your legs around his back, making him sink into you faster. He started thrusting his leaking cock into your soaked cunt, making you moan vibrantly.

"I've been dreaming....dreaming of you taking me like this. beg-begging for me not to stop. You wanna be full of my seed? Full of my fucking cum?" You nodded at his question without hesitation, without regard to the fact that there'd be no way out of this if he filled you. "Beg for it....beg for my cum."

But Why would you want to escape?

His hand dipped to your sex, swirling his fingers as he pumped into you. His balls tight and slapping against your ass, he gripped his hand around your flesh tight enough to leave bruises and shot hot strings of cum deep into you. Warmth spread into you as he drilled into you.

Little did you know neither would be getting up for a very long time, I mean, you were his, so it was only natural that he made your neighbors aware of that fact. He had to make sure you took to his seed, that you only remembered how to moan his name.

After all, you were his and only his. Forever and always.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for inviting my cousin to an LGBT meet up?

Cw: mentions of suicide and transphobia

I (18M) am a trans man and my cousin N (21F) is a lesbian who is very masc presenting. We're the only queer cousins in the family (at least in our generation) so weve always been good friends and shes been one of the biggest supporters of my transition, defended me from bigoted family members and always corrected family when they used my deadname/old pronouns. I lowkey hoped she would come out as a trans man or nonbinary as well. We dress in the same style which makes it so when were hanging out together one of us is gonna get misgendered since people asume both of us are trans men or masc girls. When N is the one being misgendered she doesnt bother fighting it since its more trouble than its worth but looking back i think it really annoyed her.

Earlier this year N was severely struggling with her mental health. I apologize for the wording i may have since i dont know the proper terminology for this stuff or any specific disorder diagnosis she may have (other than autism). She was having some sort of manic or depressive episode. She was dead set on pushing people away and making them hate her so she could take her own life without regrets.

I visited N once to give her my support during a struggling time but i stupidly told her there was nothing she could say that would push me away. She told me not to test her but i kept pushing it and i admit what happened next was my fault. She told me in a very cold voice that she was a terf, though that she didnt want me dead but that "we" (im guessing she meant trans ppl) made it so much harder for her to exist(???????). I didnt let her keep talking just and left her room, said my goodbyes to her family and just cried while driving home.

Im still not sure if she meant it or if it was part of her mental episode and just a way for her to hurt me and push me away. On one hand ig it explains some of her behavior? N sometimes complained when she got asked for her pronouns or being misgendered like I mentioned before. On the other hand, I gen do not believe she has been a terf all along esp with how supportive shes been of me. If she was a terf youd think she would try to subtly talk me out of it, but that has never happened. My friends have nicknamed her schrodinger's terf lol

Anyway, i went no contact with N for a few months for my own wellbeing. During this time i heard that she tried to kill herself a few times, which got her into a mental hospital. She was given higher doses of meds and seems to be doing way better.

We had a family reunion this week and i decided to approach her. N seemed a little hesitant to talk to me but stayed polite. I tried testing her and talked about the effects T has been having on me but she acted like she always had and congratulated me and even complimented me on how deep my voice has gotten. I wasnt satisfied cause i wanted an apology for what she had said to me so i pushed it more. She did end up apologzing but it was a very surface level apology. At this point i didnt want to keep pushing in case it set her off again so i just took her apology (plus i wanted my best cousin back) and spent the rest of the day hanging out with her.

On the way home my mom said she was happy me and N had made up and that i should invite her to the lgbt club meetings Ive been going to this year. It seemed like a good idea to me, she lost a few friends during her episode and she could make more queer friends here. If N is trans and just in denial it could help her get the resources she needs to feel comfortable coning out. If N IS a terf maybe having more positive interactions with trans ppl could change her mind on it. Overall i thought it would be a win for her.

I brought it up to my friends and some of them blew up at me. Their argument was that itd be exposing the other trans ppl in the group to a terf and putting them in danger. I truly hadnt considered this angle so im kinda conflicted now. She had never felt like an unsafe person before and now that her episode is over she feels normal again. Even if she is a terf i dont think she could actually cause harm? I want N to get better but i dont want to put my trans friends at risk.

So tumblr, WIBTA for inviting N to my lgbt meet up?

What are these acronyms?

[ornii]

If its not too much to ask...

A Wednesday Addams x Male!Reader, where the latter wakes up after being involved in an accident, and witnesses Wednesday crying for the first time...all the while she tries to deny it.

Denial

It was an accident, it truly was. She never meant to hurt him like she did. But I suppose intentions never truly matter in cases like this. It was around 8 PM in Nevermore and (Y/n) was in his Girlfriends room, trying to convince her to go out with him. Wednesday was too busy focusing on her novel instead of him, which he didn’t mind as she always said an hour, but it’s been at least three.

“Cmon, not even the crypt? Im sure there’s bones for you to analyze in there.” He says, trying to convince her to come. While Wednesday would enjoy that, her focus was on the story she’s crafting.

“My work overtakes my probable enjoyment of that.”

She said, and you couldn’t help but get a bit frustrated, she never wanted to genuinely spend time with (Y/n), which was were the two struck a conflict. While he enjoyed her presence it was always with what she wanted, never his, and she was constantly pressured to partake in things she despised like Holding hands.

“…Really? You can’t take your mind off your novel just to spend some time with me?” He asks, almost a bit loss for words at her scrutiny. She stops and turns to him.

“As Ive Said, My priority is the completion of the novel, you know this.”

“Well I didn’t know parchment was more interesting then I was.”

“Well it doesn’t open its mouth so it has its benefits.” She replies coldly. (Y/n) squints a bit, obviously getting upset, and decides to twist his own knife.

“Fine, I’ll go hang out with Yoko and Enid, they’re probably available. More than my girlfriend.” He says, which ticks an insecurity Wednesday never had before and didn’t know how to accurately process it, jealousy. He walks over to her to give her one last goodbye.

“If you don’t want to hang out or do anything, fine by me, but I don’t have to sit here.” He says, he was suddenly face to face with Wednesday, well one would not consider it face to face since she’d a foot and a half shorter, but her terrifying demeanor spoke for her. She approached him and he began to back away.

“If you wish to fraternize with some other woman be my guest, I should have expected something from someone like you, you rope me into these feelings I can’t comprehend and force me into loving you. Well, I don’t!” She says as (Y/n) reaches the balcony being pushed back by her fearsome tone. With one slip of the foot he tumbled off, and rolled off the roof. Wednesday turns and folds her arms, fuming.

“You can stop with the attempts of humor (Y/n), get back up here.” She says, when he had no response, she slowly turns back to the edge and quickly walks over and sees (Y/n), lying on the ground in the most uncomfortable position, and a look of terror and worry washes over Wednesday. (Y/n) only watched from the ground, as a ringing in his year deafened everything out, he lied on the ground before it all went black.

It was around a Week he spent in the hospital, lying in a coma as the impact of his head hitting the ground must have done a number, every day Wednesday was there. Guilt Strickens her, as the cause of his condition was her definitely. She couldn’t use her deadpanned emotions to divert blame, this was her coffin she built, it’s only appropriate to lie in it.

“(Y/n)..” she began, “I made sure to water your plants, and.. I’m sorry. All you wanted was to spend time with me, and I let my selfish nature pollute my feelings and, put you in this predicament.. If I had just gone with your ridiculous plan we’d be there, together, you bothering me with your foolish jokes and, while I acted like I hated them, i missed you..” Wednesday says, her lip quivers just slightly and for the first time in years, she felt a tear run down her cheek. This time rather wiping it, she just let it down, and let out a shaky sigh. She closes her eyes and grips his hand.

And he squeezes it.

Her eyes open and she looks up as his Were open finally, he blinks a few times and sits up, Wednesday looks at him like she’s actually seen a ghost.

“What happened?” He asks, and Wednesday didnt know what to say, and he notes the small beads running down her cheek.

“We’re you.. crying over me?” He says, his grin widening and Wednesday quickly wipes her tears.

“No, I had found out you were going to survive.” She says, trying to be tough.

“Sure Sweetheart..” he says and pulls her hand in and kisses it. Leaving her at a loss for words, he smiles and relaxes as she was still a bit, at a loss.

“So, you feel any better after almost killing me?” He asks smugly and she frowns, “it was an accident.”

“I know, and I’m sorry for throwing Yoko and Enid in your face, that wasn’t fair of me.” He says. And Wednesday just sighs as well.

“I understand I may not be the; easiest to be in a relationship with, and you have been more than patient, I apologize as well..”

“So is there cameras here? I want to get a recoding of you crying—“

“(Y/n) I will put you back in a coma.” She sharply said and he just chuckles and kissed her cheek.

“I’ve missed hearing your voice..” he said and she smiles just slightly.

“I missed you too..”

[morgsdrew]

(but i know i'll never get there you could scream you wish me dead; but i'll crawl back to you tomorrow- why the hell can't i get mad?)

Finding the hospital was the difficult part.

Morgan is...difficult, to track down. Somehow. Another illogical thing about her, they suppose.

But enough talking (bribing) the animals and flicking through stray thoughts drifting through the air let them walk straight into the hospital and make their way in.

In another world, Corus W. Lim the stumbling high school student leaves congee in a little pink container by Morgan's dorm room door.

In this world, Corus-Corvid slips through the crowded halls of the hospital with a brown paper bag, slipping into Morgan's room before a nurse can close the door.

They're not wearing their usual mask.

It's easy, after all, when you can't be seen, or heard.

Even though Morgan shouldn't be able to see them, they can't quite look at her. They don't know what to say. "...I don't know why I'm bothering with this." They mutter, placing the container of congee down. "Nobody in their right mind eats food that's just...suddenly there."

"I spent so long leaving my body on autopilot, I didn't even notice- I-" It's the most talkative they've even been. Do they not realise she can see them? "I should have woken up sooner."

Can nobody see them? Hear them? It'd explain why the nurse didn't react.

"I missed you." they mutter. "I don't know why. You're weird and impossible and you make me want to do stupid, illogical things like come back when I'm so much more useful on autopilot and-"

They cut themselves off, clinging onto the edges of their cape.

"I still don't understand. I..." Breathe in. Breathe out. "I should leave you alone. You told me to stay away, anyway."

"I missed you." They repeat, and it's this short, bitter bark of a laugh that makes its way out of their throat. "It's ridiculous. Absurd!"

"I missed hearing you talk, I missed your- your questionable morals- I missed- I missed being friends with you. Missed you enough to get out of my mindscape and back into reality and- I-...it's ridiculous. Stupid." "I hate that you never make sense. That you make me do- want to do- illogical things. It's always you."

Their hands shake.

"I don't know why I can't even look at you when nobody can see me."

Breathe in. Breathe out.

A lift of the head.

Blue, blue, impossibly blue (impossible friend my impossible friend not friend-) stares into dark eyes gleaming amber.

...she might see you.

Wait, what?

No. Nononono this can't be right- they wave their hand in front of a passing nurse. No reaction. They look at their hand. They look at the nurse. They look at Morgan morgan oh stars she can see-

"I-" They choke out, and if they weren't already in their do-not-perceive mode they would have popped right into it- "I-"

"....how much..." Annnd it's back to their usual inability to talk to people. A vague gesture. They hunch in even further, somehow. "...did you hear....?"

Would it be too late to run away and somehow lock themselves into the phantom zone, never to show their face again? No?

Morgan’s head looked up when the nurse walked in, tending to her IV and taking back the empty plates as Morgan frowned slightly when she saw Corus slipped in.

Anger bubbled in her heart and the cold hospital room seemed to feel colder.

It’s been a while since she had seen them after the confrontation. Morgan wasn’t expecting to see them again, not when she had said words she knew that would hit them where it hurt.

She kept on her straight face, glancing at the nurse before she glanced back to Corus. Huh. The nurse didn’t seem to notice their presence.

Is she hallucinating Corus or…

Then Corus began talking. Morgan kept her face straight and unreadable like she didn’t know there was someone else in her hospital room.

How do they even know where they were? Was what happened to her had become public or what?

They were still talking. Morgan could feel her head tilt to the side a bit, counting in her head— which was difficult to do so when Chat was chattering too excited— how long Corus had been speaking. They were talking a lot, despite the grudge and the anger she was holding, she couldn’t help but be amused.

They miss her— they miss you— was Morgan supposed to feel something?

Her eyes twinkled when they asked her. She glanced at the nurse, waiting for her to leave. When she was left alone with Corus in the bright room, she spoke, “Everythin’,” she said with a shrug.

She knew that knowing what she feels was important to Corus. So Morgan kept her face neutral and her voice even.

Morgan squinted her eyes as she shifted properly on her bed, fiddling slightly with the white scratchy sheets.

“I didn’t know you could talk that much,” Morgan said, it was hard to tell if she was teasing him or not, “what are you doin’ here and how did you know where I was? Stalkin’ me this time?”

[fatuismooches]

FUCK DAMN IT i have another angst im so sorry but its okay i... made it possible for a happy ending dw!!!! im finally talking about fragile!reader again

it has been months since you've fallen back into a vegetative state. teetering at the edge of life and death. inside a massive glass capsule that glowed blue as you float inside, preserving you, keeping you away from death. a futile attempt but... it's a must. he cannot work on you like he did before after his decision to kill off all of his segments...

his laboratory never felt so empty. only him, the buzzing of the machinery that kept you alive, and alone in his thoughts.

dottore hasn't been doing well... he hasn't showed up in meetings, nor accepted any visitation from other harbingers. he couldn't be bothered by them at this moment, not when he has almost lost you and now you're slipping from his fingertips.

going through your old stuff for comfort, he stumbles upon a very ancient contraption, probably something he made before for you. it was... a recording device it seems, though it is so outdated he had to reverse engineer it, as well as make another device that could actually run the recording inside it of. he didn't mind at all, it kept him busy, it kept him distracted.

and as soon as he pressed play, he regretted it.

-------------

the screen was nothing but white and black fuzz, white noise emanating from the recording, before it slowly began gaining color, and subtle form.

"gods, why does he make things always so complicated- this thing is so poorly engineered, did he really make this as a gift for me?"

your voice, high-pitched and young. annoyed as the recording glitches, loud thumps coming from the screen. the recording miraculously got fixed, albeit a bit glitched.

"there you go!" you smile, pointing the device at your face. "so, zandik got this for my birthday. it was very sweet of him actually, to make me something so cool!" you hum happily, walking toward somewhere the recording wouldn't see, "gonna use this to record some shit that happens on our everyday lives, so i can look back and laugh at everything happened when i graduate."

and so the recording showed dottore as such.

from your bickering, walking to the akademiya, recordings of his younger self rambling about something, funny moments like a concoction he made exploded and covered him with pink dust, experiments dottore long forgotten, your smiles, your laughs, you simply talking about your day, or ranting about your frustrations, to you talking about how much you loved him...

then, the recordings grew shorter. less lively. slow.

like you had when your illness first started showing signs.

the recordings grew less energetic, but more calm and soothing. whispers of sweet nothings, loving confessions, soft giggles, coughing here and there, holding his hand and calling him so many sweet nicknames, the view outside your window, birds flying and flora dancing along the wind...

then the last recording plays, and it was you, holding an instrument, with an iv drip attached to your arm.

dottore remembers this. it was when you first passed out due to your illness while you were out on an exhibition and almost didn't make it back to the akademiya for medical attention.

"hi zandik," your voice, still soothing despite the rasp in it, "for a while... i wanted to make you something... it was supposed to be a device but... i could barely hold my tools without dropping them after a while..." a small sad laugh slips past your lips.

"so i'll just give you this. something i made in my spare time... considering i've been doing nothing but rest on my bed."

and it was a song. with you tapping to pens onto a metal surface, a slow and steady rhythm, just enough for you to be able to play it with ease. it started off with a sweet hum of a tune he recognized, a tune you've been singing ever since you were young, and then you sang.

he could tell that you were struggling, shoulders shaking and taking in sharp shallow breaths in between your singing. but you powered through, singing with a heavenly voice.

it was all about him. and how much you loved him, how much you adored him and wished to love him even more. to hold him in your arms and call him yours forever and more, to kiss him, to hug him. you listened everything you liked about him, how you felt before you confessed, how you felt when you were with him, how you wanted to be part of his lips.

forever and more.

then you ended with a cough, blood dripping down the corner of your lips, face contorted in pain.

"ah... that was the best i could do..." you say sadly, turning away from the recording device, too ashamed to look. "im not sure if you'll ever see this, but... i really did put my heart and soul..." you look back with a smile, eyes teary and glimmering. "i trust that you will cure me, no matter what. and i hope you know i appreciate it, for everything you do to me. i know that you love me more than you'll ever admit, and i hope you know that i'll love you, even in this wretched fragile state...

you're my world zandik, i love you so, so much.

and if... if i pass on... please, i beg of you.

take care of yourself, i wouldn't want to see my lover become so miserable.

if you ever need reassurance, play my song. i like to think it's everything how i feel for you in a nutshell.

see you, my love."

-------------

some fatui soldiers, especially the new recruits, think that a section of the palace was haunted. specifically dottore's.

they say they hear the singing of a voice, it echoed through the silent, empty halls, for days, never stopping, only looping.

it was soothing, at first. before it became haunting.

it never stopped.

it just kept singing.

singing and singing and singing, filling the silence in the cold, cold palace.

and as you sing, dottore would stare onto your sleeping body. inside a machine, floating, with death looming behind his back.

he will save you, no matter what.

perhaps then he could hear you sing the song you made all those years ago from your lips.

sorry :) promise no more angst next time ,, im glad u like my writing smooches i love yours too,, ty for indulging my insanity 😭😭

KAIIII OH GOSH IT JUST KEPT GETTING MORE AND MORE SAD, IM CRYING 😭 You know what... i give you permission to keep sending me angst... it's so good but in a heart-stomping-crushing way 😍 I WILL ALWAYS INDULGE YOUR SANITY 😤😤❤️

Dottore wishes he was smarter.

It's an odd thing for a man such as himself to wish, in fact, him "wishing" for anything was entirely strange, for he was certainly one of the most knowledgeable people in all of Teyvat. But looking at you, having regressed back into a coma, he doubts it. He has paid a price for everything he's learned, and none of it has bothered him, yet none of it has been helpful in this endeavor. He's tried everything in all of his great minds, yet nothing. Dottore wonders what would the ultimate price to pay for knowledge would be, but he quickly acknowledges that he wouldn't care if it meant finally saving you.

He remembers the day when you simply fell back asleep. Dottore had thought that you would stick beside him for a while longer at least. To skip around the lab looking around, to bother him to take breaks. But one day it simply stopped. Zandik felt empty. Wasn't centuries of loneliness enough? Just when he thought he could revel in your company again, it was over in the blink of an eye? And he was truly alone. No longer did the thoughts of his other segments buzz in his mind or the lab. Without them, there was far too much to be done. Only him, you, and work existed. But really, you were no longer here.

With them and you gone, he realizes how truly tedious it is to be a Harbinger. No longer could he send a segment to the meetings or extra work, and no longer did he have you for comfort. But he doesn't particularly care right now, he'll just pass most of it off to random agents. You are far more important, yet no matter how much time he pours into his research, he seems no step closer to healing you.

Zandik decides to enter your room. He'd already gone through his own items of yours multiple times. It was completely untouched, the bed made up without a wrinkle, shelves collecting dust. It was very you, having planned out the decoration yourself with the clones helping you. He doesn't realize how much stuff you have stuffed into room, though he recognizes most of it as you always liked to show him your things. Until he encounters something that he knows belongs to an era long forgotten. The recording device looked as if it had gone through war, he almost thought it was broken until he decided to look more into it and give it a try using his own technology. If this was something of yours, it deserved that kind of treatment, anyway.

Zandik doesn't know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this. As soon as he sees your face and voice come into frame, his smile drops. Your smile and words, so happy. Albeit a bit annoyed and sassy, but he loved that. He had almost forgotten what your voice sounded when it was like that, for you struggled to speak in that tone now. You're wearing the Akademiya's uniform, your mouth grinning from end to end. He faintly recognizes the dorm as the background, neat and tidy as you liked to keep it. A part of him knows he needs to turn it off, to turn it off right now, or else. But he's transfixed.

He doesn't know how much time goes by, but he watches it. All of it. Some of it is complete silence of you literally just recording him (he has no clue how he didn't notice some of this stuff). Some of it is you simply making silly faces at the device while his younger self's voice yells out in the background at you. Some of it is him cussing out former professors and students as you try to hide your cackles. Some of it is you holding him as he slept in your arms. And some of it is just utter nonsense and idle chit-chat. But all of his senses are tuned into it.

But it was easy to recognize the change. It had started slowly. No longer were you bouncing around all excitedly. The backgrounds of the videos were no longer very unique. It was mostly in the dorm, the Akademiya, or the forest on good days, the only places where your body could take you during those times. Your voice had grown more quiet, you struggled to quip back and banter with him like you used to. It seemed like you focused more on tender moments with him than before. Yet in one instance you accidentally dropped the device with a huge crash and a string of curses flew out your mouth, then soft apologies to him followed.

Zandik's face is expressionless when the last recording plays, but he is unsettled by how vividly he remembers that particular day. He was... scared for you. It leaves a horrible taste on his tongue, both the incident and the feeling. As you speak, he feels both dread and interest as to what your words will be.

And you sing. Out of all things, you sing. Now that he thinks about it, he remembers you scribbling onto paper with pen quite frequently when you were bedridden, but he didn't think too much of it since he was already too preoccupied with how he was going to save you. So you were composing. About him of all things. And you were in pain, so much pain from merely singing. And yet you looked happy, you were on the verge of hacking your lungs out but there was still a soft smile on your face, as you professed your love for him unabashedly and proudly. And even at the end, when you're crying and panting from all the effort, you're smiling. Normally, he likes seeing you smile, but this kind of smile is not one of them. If it weren't for his gloves, he would have surely drawn blood by now from how hard he was balling his fists.

Yes, he did love you more than he'd ever admit. And that was why this was not the end.

The older Fatui tell stories of when the second Harbinger's clones used to occupy the palace and lab, running about and bickering with each other. Yet the new ones can only tell tales of an eerie voice echoing throughout the corridor. The voice wasn't professional. But it was soothing, nice, good. But hearing it over and over again was starting to cause the regular agents to freak out.

No one could ever find out what or who it was, or where exactly it came from. Many came to accept that it was a normal occurrence. Especially Dottore. At least with this tape, he could never forget what your sweet voice was like, no matter if a century or two or three or more passed by again. He had every last word memorized in his mind, but it wasn't enough. Of course it wasn't, when the real deal was lying asleep in front of him, but it was a sufficient and lovely replacement for now.

As every morning and night passes by, a single thought constantly makes its way into his mind - 'I will save you.' And then maybe, you'll be able to sing that song without coughing throughout. A perfect rendition. Though, he would like to see if you could release a newer edition of it, considering how much he has changed.

I AM EXPLODING BC OF U KAI 😭😔😨😨🫠🫠

[maygrcnt]

been reflecting on the season a lot recently and on the topic of bucks bisexuality storyline, and i think ive come to the conclusion that theres maybe some catastrphization on the part of people who think the arc is horribly written, but also other people seem to be looking at it through rose tinted glasses and accepting anything given to them just because the storyline was such a long time coming. And i’ve had a hard time with figuring out why both sides of these takes just bother me so much so i sat down with my thoughts while work was slow and i rotated evan buckley in my mind until i had coherent thoughts

When it comes to the self discovery of it all i think that is probably the best thing the show did with the arc. episodes four and five were ultimately huge successes in my opinion on the topic of bisexuality. My main issue with this part of it is not specifically to do with the bi-ness of the storyline but the show in general. The show, showrunner, and Oliver want us to believe this storyline is different, that this is the one that finally changes everything, and I fully believe them in that being their intentions. However, they didnt show that to us well enough. The show has a glaringly cliche formula when it comes to buck and eddie love storylines that i used to think was intentional parallelism but now believe to be a writing rutt that they can't seem to break out of. They meet the partner, they have a romantic moment, something gets in the way of that romance, they meet up at a restaurant to “start over”. Ali, natalia, ana all follow this exactly and taylor sort of. its just tired? And the fact that this is exactly how buck and tommys relationship starts too just makes it so i cant convince myself that this is any different than before. Like i said i truly believe the writers thought they were pulling buck off the hamster wheel and the commentary outside the show tells me that he’s supposed to be doing something new, but they just can't escape their own romance formula enough to actually do it in the TEXT. and one thing about me is i think when it comes to TV, a viewer response lens is the most important way to analyze the story. the intention of the writer doesnt matter as much as the interpretation of the viewer because the average viewer of prime time television isnt reading tim minears interviews or listening to the podcasts oliver stark does, theyre tuning in at 8pm est and tuning out at 9. to conclude on the topic of bucks self discovery arc, i think it was done well. i think this is a general consensus, i feel like most people who think the storyline went sour still believe that episode four was done well at the very least

when it comes to the coming out of it all, this is one spot where i believe there’s some catastrophizing. the storyline had to choose carefully who got the long coming out scenes and i think it’s crazy to say that they chose wrong. do i wish there was a little bit of a longer beat with both hen and bobby about the storyline, yes absolutely. but i don’t think scenes with buck sitting down to formally come out to them would have been either necessary nor in character. bucks strongest canonical ties are to maddie, eddie, and bobby. two of which he never felt the need to come out formally to either by the way. i think a lot of people wanted to see more hesitation and fear from buck about his sexuality, but what they decided to show us instead was a man who realized something new about himself and immediately understood that the people around him were going to love and accept him no matter what. the only slip we see in this confidence is around eddie where… im trying to keep this analysis unbiased by non canon things so im not going to get into what i think of that but… in any sense bucks coming out moments were not about coming out at all but instead always about him being loved by his family. i rate this part of the storyline 10/10 because it all felt so natural and real for someone who has the support system and love that buck does (not saying it isn’t hard to come out even when people are supportive, just that i get why it wasn’t hard for buck). the storyline matched the character really well, but if they were to give the same easy breezy coming out arc to a character with the same backstory as say eddie then i would understand the want for more turbulence.

now the most polarizing part of the storyline for sure is the “established relationship” part of the season i guess you could call it lmao. my personal main complaint here is that we immediately lose any and all insight into the *new* of it all. if you want to make a big deal about this romance storyline being different than the other ones, you actually have to show us on screen what’s DIFFERENT about it. it doesn’t bother me so much on a relationship side of things because the relationship isn’t my personal cup of tea, but i think it would have been nice to see more scenes focused on the reasons this relationship is something new for buck. i’m not a tv writer, i honestly don’t have a suggestion for scenes that could have made this better for me. i think a tone thing is big part of it, if they lightened up tommy’s interactions with buck made him a little more flirty and lively it would have felt truly like a new relationship still in the phase of navigating a new dynamic rather than. well it doesn’t matter what i thought the relationship felt like by the end that’s not the point here. another place i feel like they could have put some more effort in is the bobby of it all, he was very preoccupied but their conversation felt stilted and not actually how i imagine it going. when it comes to the acknowledgment of bisexuality and newfound personal experiences i rate the end of the season: bad. i don’t think this was by virtue of the show not caring or wanting to portray the storyline anymore, but just by virtue of the entire end of the season being… kinda bad.

finally the finale, oh the finale… i swear im trying to come at this as unbiased as i can when i talk about the BT dinner scene but just know that i didn’t like it and that may bleed through. i think it was unfavorable of them to frame this scene the way they did. by having the scene start en media res and having us jump in to the dinner already in progress it feels disingenuous, because now im supposed to believe buck left the hospital, cooked an entire meal, set up a date, started eating and only THEN was the topic of bobby’s health brought up? it feels like this scene was written in a way that it would be for a well established long term couple, not a new relationship we’ve barely seen on screen. in this very scene is the first time tommy even learns what bucks relationship with bobby is like, this is very obviously not a deep connection yet so why are they being given the framework of it? the show is telling us that this relationship has gotten more serious without any proof and i find it very hard to believe them. i think there’s ONE simple change that makes this scene work 100x better and makes me feel like buck is actually settling into the relationship rather than having to take tim minear word for it: just start the scene with buck coming home to tommy! if buck is just getting home from the hospital it doesn’t feel as out of character because there’s less assumed time where buck is for some reason not worried about bobby, which he WOULD be don’t even try to tell me he’s not. and if tommy is already in bucks apartment when he comes home we learn so much about their relationship with such a small gesture. that buck feels comfortable with him there, that tommy feels comfortable alone there, that they spend time there often enough that tommy knows his way around. it just feels like this scene was written in good faith but the forgetfulness by the writers on the overall context of where this scene was in the episode created a strange tone in which i’m supposed to believe evan buckley would ever plan a romantic date night while bobby nash is literally comatose. thoughts on the bisexual storyline in the finale: no. i’m not gonna get into the daddy issues line of it all because that’s a lot more opinion based and it would make this like double length. ask me about it if you want i guess.

all in all, i think there’s … a lot that could have and should have been done differently in order to maximize the goals and effects that tim continuously told us he was trying to achieve. when it comes to carefully telling a story of late life sexuality discovery, i think they did well. when it comes to most other aspects, i think the ball was dropped. pls feel free to send messages or asks regarding this topic because i think im still developing thoughts on it and id love to have conversations regarding :)

[voidwritesstuff]

Long Way To The Truth

Cw:misgendering (accidental).

Summary: Lucas makes it to Colorado and helps a young kid with their identity.

->chapter 4: Colorado.

By Next morning he was already in Colorado, as he has breakfast in a small cafeteria, he thinks back on last night. In hindsight,he feels like he just pulled a Wheeler and acted as the guidance counselor of three 20 Year olds. And it didnt bother him one bit.

For lunch, he stops at a small family owned restaurant. Its really quaint with its ochre colored walls, the plants growing from the pots placed infront of the blue framed Windows.

He steps through the double Doors made of some dark brown wood, and the smell of spicy,home made food greets him. He relaxes a little, Rolling Back one of his shoulders instintctually to then take off his army baseball cap.

As he joins the line,he sees a young kid going out to take the trash that Belongs to the stablishment. They have long dyed purple hair in box braids, tied up by a yellow and white bandana, they drag the heavy trash bag as they walk down one of the back area halls, the door to said Hall is Open which is why Lucas can see the kid.

--Thanks son!--Says a male voice from the kitchen. The kid seems to scowl and mutter something under their breath before resuming their walk.

Lucas orders once its his turn, as he eats hes contempt to watch the news since hes written down his entry of the day during breakfast. The news show how in a few months,a New ship was going to be comissioned by Mayer, the SS Thanatos.

"Kind of an edgy name,isnt it " he thinks,munching down on his chili. The spiciness of it all Burning his tongue,but he doesnt seem to care." Though, its interesting,why would mayer comission a New ship? What are they bringing?".

Hes quick to Scribble down his thoughts on his Journal in a small spot between his Many little doodles he had done during a particular terrible traffic jam on the way here.

--Ive told him so Many fucking times-- he hears the kid from before say-- its not- its not son,goddamnit-- Lucas perks up at the voice,filled with anger and sadness. Theres this look in their eyes of feeling misunderstood.

He watches them walk away and outside the restaurant through that Hall they went down earlier. Theres a slight suspicion in his mind as to what the kids discontent had to do with, bit he knows its none of his business.

"This ain't a song for the broken-hearted

No silent prayer for the faith-departed

I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd

You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud"

As the News didnt show anything interesting after a while, the owner changed the channel to MTV. Where Bon jovi's "its my life" was playing.

Lucas drums along to the rythm of the song as he walks out of the restaurant. He gets approached by the owner of the restaurant,tall,dark skin and warm brown eyes, he looks worried.

--Hey,Sir. Excuse me- have you seen my son? His-their name is Juniper-- he asked,cleaning his sweaty hands on his apron-- about yay high,purple hair?

It takes him a moment to pinpoint the kid as he puts on his army baseball cap-- uh yeah, why?

--Hes been missing and he hasnt been replying to my calls-- he explains-- he seemed a little annoyed and I wanted to ask him where he was

Always the Smart one, the ex soldier nodds-- yeah,saw 'im by the parkin' lot-- he replied ,gesturing to the opposite side of where the kid had actually gone. The Dad runs away in a panic, and he takes that opportunity to go the actual way the kid left.

He knows he shouldnt have lied,but from experience he knew that sometimes parents would make things worse. And it looks like Wheeler rubbed off of on him because hes on his way to adopt yet another child.

Now that the owner wasnt there,nobody paid him any attention as he snuck into the Hall that the kid left through, it leads down an empty sort of backyard. Theres a small half broken concrete wall that seemed to be the wall that acted as a barrier to a previous,smaller, Back yard and the outside world.

Through the cracks and missing chunks of the wall,he can spot a set of purple hair blowing in the passing breeze. He sighs inwardly and tries to channel Wheeler as he leans on the Fallen wall and says.

--Yer dad's lookin' for ya

The kid gets startled, throwing a small pebble sized Chunk of Fallen wall towards him. He barely ducks out of the way and adds-- nice aim

--Who are you and what do you want?--The kid asks, pressing their knees against their chest. Their locks fall to cover half of their face since the bandana is no longer restricting them.

--'m the guy who told yer dad to go the other way so he didnt piss you off further

The kid looks at him and then looks away, growling-- good. I wouldve ripped his face off.

--Can I at least ask whats pissin' you off before I leave you alone? You look like yer either gonna hurl a piece of debrie at yer old Man or break down cryin'

--You wouldnt get it-- they reply,looking away

--kid, you'd be surprised at the ammount of shit ive seen. Try me

The kid sighs loudly and gets ready to throw another pebble sized chunk. But its not at Lucas, he throws it at a nearby tree stumpt And misses it by an INCH.

--So...so i dont really feel like a boy,or- or a girl-- they start, grabbing another pebble-- I asked my folks recently if they could use well- gender neutral words for me- but they Keep forgetting, especially my dad

"It's my life, it's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive"

God,how loud was the TV? He could hear it all the way from here.

Lucas nodds,folding his arms over his chest-- n 'm guessing thats what pissed you off?

They nodd-- its not that hard-- They followed up-- and it hurts when they dont do it- I call 'em ma and pa but they cant use the words I like?

--I get that kiddo-- he replied,looking at the tree stumpt,littered with previous atrempts of hitting it. His eyes narrow as he calculates the distance between them and the stumpt.-- parents can take a while to accept New things 'bout their kids

--How would you know?--his companion asked, throwing the pebble and missing,again,by an inch.

--well,kid-- the ex soldier grabs a pebble and throws it at the stumpt, hitting it dead in the middle--im Bisexual,and a soldier with PTSD,from a family of soldiers who also had....issues . So I'd get it

When the kid sees Lucas hit the stumpt,they look up at him and ask-- HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

he chuckled-- permission to approach?

--Uh,permission granted--They followed along with the joke,a small excited smile.

Lucas sits with them and grabs another pebble,handing it over. Now up close he can see that their eyes are puffy and a little red,and he softens his gaze-- keep your pulse steady-- he starts,showing them how to fix their aim.

His companion tries again and they hit the stumpt dead in the centre. They look all happy and they smile wide.

--Yknow,your old Man worried about you. Even corrected himself when he messed up your pronouns. -- the ex soldier added as the kid tried again.

--did...did he?--They ask,Setting down the pebble.

--Yup, do you go by juniper?

They nodd enthusiastically-- he even remembered my name?

--Yeah

Juniper smiled and stood up, all happy and with a Pep in their step. Lucas noticed the bon jovi black shirt and raised an eyebrow internally. They tie their yellow and white bandana around their purple hair and dust off their black shirt, they flap their hands a little.

--'m gonna talk to him-- they said,walking past Lucas.

--Hey kid, just one thing. Tell yer dad that it makes you feel bad when he doesnt use the right words. Otherwise he wouldntve known I think, but also know that not all parents Will understand New things

The kid puts their hands inside their pockets-- and what If he doesnt understand?

--Well...-- he trails off and points to the air,as if hes pointing at the music hanging on the breeze.

"It's my life

My heart is like the open highway

Like Frankie said I did it my way

I just wanna live while I'm alive

It's my life"

--I dont like the idea of my dad not understanding though-- Juniper adds, looking a little concerned. Their eyes go to the entrance of the Hall that they came out of.

--i understand but ive realized that well, if it makes you happy then its worth it. Parents be damned-- Lucas stands up,holding Back a wince as his back stings a little. But he manages and leans on the wall-- hell,im drivin' all the way from Florida to Washington

--Why would you do that?--his companion asked-- thats kinda weird --Theres a brief silence and they add-- right,because it makes you happy

--'m tellin' you this cuz when I was your age,I wouldve liked to know that i dont--he makes a pause,hands going to the dogtags around his neck-- that I dont need other peoples approval to be enough.

Juniper nodds,to then perk up as they hear their dad calling out for them-- thanks -- they reply, glancing Back at the ex soldier-- hey by the way,if you go all around over there-- he points at to where Lucas' Back is facing-- youll come out the other way. Just so my dad doesnt think anything weird if he sees you with me

He nodds-- ten four,much obliged-- he tips the visor of his cap like a cowboy would, making the kid laugh at his slight weirdness before leaving for the restaurant.

Lucas goes back to his van through the way the kid told him, and just as he hops into his vehicle, through the outside mirror he sees Juniper and their dad talking. The kid seems dead serious as they talk to their old Man,who nodds and gives them a big hug.

--There we go,happy thoughts kid-- he mutters,seeing a little of his past in the way the father and the kid hug things out. Whenever he would get into dumb arguments with Wheeler,they'd talk it out and hug it out.

He clears his throat,Trying to not get sappy this early in the day,and so he continued his merry way through Colorado.

Switching the radio on, he hears.

"This is for the ones who stood their ground

It's for Tommy and Gina who never backed down

Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake

Luck, it ain't enough, you've got to make your own breaks"

But as he drives he notices something in the rearview mirror,a black SUV following along a few cars away. He squints and decides to take an alternative Route he had mapped for ocassions like this.

Thankfully,he does lose them and by nightfall, he stays on a small inconspicuous motel on the outskirts of the state of Utah. Keeping an eye out on his van and resting in between watches

[fairestar]

✿ trying to get into the void ;

i will be trying to get to the void via meditation before going to sleep. here, i will update night to night to keep track of events!

— night O1 (august 23rd, 2023)

intro; will try just laying down on my back, relaxing and counting from one until whichever number until i feel it. when i enter it, i will either affirm or visualize.

outro; i counted from one to 222, stopped there because i wasn't getting any more relaxed and changed to affirming “i am pure awareness”. at one point i did feel very close but got distracted. kept going and got startled by a notification, lost the calm state i had achieved, so i decided to change position and start over, but i ultimately fell asleep. it was the best night's sleep ive had in a long time, though, i even woke up early and felt energised.

— night O2 (august 24th, 2023)

intro; once again, i will lay down on my back, concentrate on my breathing and hypnogogic hallucinations, then affirm “i am pure awareness” or simply “I AM” until i get to the void.

outro; spent ~forty minutes relaxing, when i felt like i was floating i changed to affirming. there were moments where i felt like i was very close, but i kept getting distracted because of that same thing, realising “woah, i'm very close” distracted me and i could feel it slipping away. my legs started to feel uncomfortable and i couldn't stand it anymore, so i changed position and when i tried to start over, i just fell asleep.

— night O3 (august 25th, 2023)

intro; kind of the same as the last two days, i will lay down on my back, relax until i feel floaty, affirm “i am in the void state”.

outro; tried a little earlier tonight. i felt relaxed but, once again, my legs started bothering me so i pulled out of that meditative state to position differently. i didn't feel close tonight, i fell asleep quite a lot during it. i ultimately tried the lullaby method, but it didn't work :(

♡ some notes ;

i think what's making me fail is my limiting beliefs, i really want to live in the end and feel the wish fulfilled but rationality and old habits always get the best of me. i will try to do some research regarding these topics and get better at this!

— night O4 (august 26th, 2023)

intro; well, tonight i will try SATS instead of getting into the void (maybe i should make a different post but let's just leave it here for now). i will relax until im drowsy, using waves for assistance, and visualise waking up to my desired life, trying to make it as vivid (as in: sensory-vivid) and have it on loop until i accept its realness. i will really try to put my all into it, not letting limiting beliefs drive me away from the life i deserve.

outro; completely fell asleep while trying it, didn't get to visualise anything. ive noticed i find it hard to actually relax and keep my mind from wandering.

— night O5 (september O3rd, 2023)

intro; i will try the 61 points meditation, i saw people say they got really good results with it so i want to try it. after finishing it and being relaxed, i will just affirm “I AM”.

outro; i did the meditation six times. yes, six. the first one was the best one, i felt very relaxed after it and was already affirming when i felt a mosquito on my eyelid and it was driving me crazy so i brushed it away and did it again. and i kept getting distracted, my right ankle started hurting badly because of the rain, it made my leg twitchy and it was annoying me, i felt too hot so i took some covers off my bedding, changed into a pair of shorts... so because all of that, i ended up doing it six times. it was very useful, though. as soon as i was finished with a body part it instantly felt heavy and i even felt myself drifting off to sleep sometimes. but i didn't manage to get into the void.

— night O6 (september O4th, 2023)

intro; tonight i will try another meditation i saw get recommended. after i achieve "mind awake, body asleep," i will affirm for the void.

outro; i did it once, if im not mistaken. my body was tingling all over and felt heavy afterwards. i started affirming and focusing on the black behind my eyes, but i fear my mind was too awake and i couldn't really focus. i tried for about 20 minutes and gave up (im not the most patient person, something to change). also, i had a very bad headache too and started to feel nauseous because of it. i decided to take a painkiller, eat something and watch some calm youtube videos until i felt sleepy enough to try SATS. i told my subconscious i was going to enter the void tonight and started daydreaming until i felt drowsy. i dont remember if i got to affirm before falling asleep. but yet again, i didn't make it. but i know im close, afterall, the void is nothing but me in my pure form, so why should it be difficult to achieve?

♡ some more notes: i've been doing some research on different ways to enter the void state and trying to find the one that resonates the most with me. i think that entering either through SATS or meditation is the way to go for me (kind of what i've been doing, really), so this post will most likely concentrate on those two methods.

— night O7 (september O5th, 2023)

intro; so, tonight i will try to enter through SATS. after watching this video, i decided to start by revising my day until i feel drowsy enough to start affirming “i am”.

outro; it went surprisingly well! since my sleep schedule is messed up, i watched some youtube videos until i feel like i could fall asleep in a bit. i got comfortable, started revising my day via visualising and at one point i caught myself almost falling asleep so i switched to affirming and focusing on the black behind my eyes. i spent some time doing that and tried to ignore symptoms and the 3D as much as i could, i felt very close but every time i “meditate” i start feeling uncomfortably hot and this time i could even feel sweat trickling down my back, and i just couldn't stand it so i pulled out of the calm state i had achieved and, if im not mistaken, i tried again but had lost all my focus and eventually fell asleep. but i take this night as great progress! i feel so happy.

— night O8 (september 11th, 2023)

intro; i saw this meditation get recommended so i will try it tonight. i may affirm after relaxing or maybe i will just focus on my breathing.

outro; the meditation worked really well, i did it twice because as has happened before, i felt too hot and my right leg started to annoy me. but the first try was the best one, i think i tapped once but i wasn't aware, although im not sure if it was the void or if i just fell asleep for a few seconds. the second time wasn't as fruitful but that's only because ive conditioned myself to believe that if it's not that night's first time then it won't work as well.

— night O9 (september 12th, 2023)

intro; tonight i will try to enter through lucid dreaming. i used to be able to effortlessly manifest lucid dreams a few years ago, so i know that if i get one i will absolutely be able to get to the void. i used to do it by saying an affirmation before going to sleep, but tonight i will add a subliminal for good measure. i might also try FILD too.

outro; i couldn't, for the life of me, fall asleep until 8am. i listened to the subliminal but i didn't get a lucid dream. i woke up at around 12 and remembered to do FILD but i kept getting distracted, i was too awake.

— night 1O (september 14th, 2023)

intro; i will try the fourth method mentioned on this post (counting and becoming aware after 5 numbers pass by, but i did it after 10). i actually did it yesterday for the first time and it really helped in getting me sleepy, so i want to try it again but with a well-set intention for lucid dreaming.

outro; something weird happened. i didn't lucid dream but at one point while i was asleep i suddenly felt like i was in a weird environment, completely out of nowhere. i thought, oh my god im in the void (as if id woken up in it) and started affirming, then said i was leaving and i wanted to continue sleeping, so i felt my body fall to my mattress as if someone had been holding me a little above it, i remember feeling some parts of my body get really heavy and a few seconds later i fell asleep. when i woke up i realised it wasn't the void because wherever i felt i was was overwhelmingly hot. but it was a really weird experience.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ© fairestar, 2023.