#ive had let me laugh at the cool on loop for like. the past hour

[yeetushaitus]

misc aa sketches

been playing dgs and omg i love gina and hosonaga so much theyre literally everything to me

MAJOR spoilers for aai1 under the cut

i havent touched aai1 in like 2+ years so i dont rlly remember what happens but omg. yew is literally perfect i love her so much

[p0gue420]

Hold me

Requested: @wanniiieeee​

summary:the band sunset curve fall into a coma what will happen next read and find out.

word count:1580

A/N: I was really deep into a depressive state writing this so sorry its bad!

Warnings:not a warning but reader can touch the boys

pairing: Luke Patterson x reader 

“Maybe I’ll try tonight…” Julie finishes talking to Ray, Flynn and I rush from the top of the stairs back to Julies room after listening to the saddened voices speaking about moving.

“Quick, act natural.” Flynn whispers as we hear Julies footsteps coming up; we both unpreparedly get into the most unnatural position, trying to act “Natural”. Jules walks in furrowing her eyebrows after a glance at the two of us.

I pick at my nails pretending to be casual as I try to spark a not so subtle distracting conversation. “Hey Jules, funny seeing you here..” I say looking up curiously.

“You heard?” she says blankly.

Flynn and I turn to each other; she stands up from the edge of the bed stalking slowly to the girl with big slippers.” If by “heard” that, you mean the fact, we get to go through the cool stuff in the loft...then...yeah.” she says with a smile on her face as she rubs the girl’s arm in comfort.

I stand from my spot at the desk wrapping my arms around the girls, putting our heads together.

“We can all do it together Jules... if that would help…” I nudge the girl’s arm putting a small smile on her face. She leans her forehead on mine, speaking up. ��That would be nice.”

__________________________________________________

“Woah dude how did we get back here!” The shaggy-haired boy says after sputtering up a cough looking around as the other two guys check out the studio. Flynn, Jules, and I scream growing terrified of the new presence in the room; The guys begin to join in on the screaming scared of the sudden noise.

First instinct and a smart one, we all begin speeding past the boys out of the studio running into Ray.

“Woah slow down, You look like you've seen a ghost” He didn’t know-how on the spot he was about our expressions. We all stare at him traumatized like as we say in unison “We have!”

Carlos cuts in “cool!” I thump him in the head with my middle finger and thumb to make him shut up but I’m quickly cut off by Ray scolding me, “Y/n, We’ve talked about the thumping.” he says as Carlos mimics his actions of pointing his index finger at me as to be stern. before Ray turns back to him with his eyebrows furrowed.

I huff turning to Carlos to apologize but quickly speed off so I don’t have to.

------------------------------------------------

Flynn, Julie, and I walk in a huddle back to the studio holding a cross. I start to giggle remembering a TikTok, I begin to speak up before I could be interrupted.”Shiver me timbers...am i right..?” I say giggling, we turn around at the sound of little giggles at my TikTok reference 

We begin screaming again when we’re cut off by our blonde friend who we just visited at the hospital not that long before, his soft voice asking us to please be quiet and stop screaming. 

“Guys, do you understand what’s happening?”  I ask say sadly as everyone looks at me.” If we’re seeing ghosts then that means they passed…” my eyes begin to well up with tears at the sight of our sweet boys standing there confused as to what’s wrong. 

Luke stares completely and utterly confused as he attempts to touch Julie and Flynn to test the “Ghost logic” when his hand fell through with a chill he was filled to the brim with sadness, his heart dropped in his stomach, tears in his eyes as his head began to pound and his throat felt like it was clogged, making it hard to breathe. “I don’t understand..” Reggie shakes his head.

My boy with his shaggy brown locks decides to attempt to touch me; Slowly reaching his hand out towards my face , he hesitantly brushes the pad of his thumb against my warm tear-stained cheeks, so caught up in the moment it felt like no one else in the room. He grabs my shoulder pulling me towards him to engulf me in a hug..

---------------------------

Time skip brought to you by Owen joyners EpiPen

3 weeks passed.

I lay across the couch thinking of lyrics in my head trying to put it all on paper, I sing the song in my head trying to find the melody when a certain boy walks up behind me sticking his fingers to my side tickling me.I know exactly who it is by the scent filling my nasal passages, I turn around prepared with a small nerf gun from my hoodie pocket shooting him, but the bullets going through him.

He snorts staring at me in awe as if he knew it wouldn’t work.”What, you think it’s funny I can’t shoot you, huh..huh?! I saw as I jump off the couch onto his back kissing and bear-hugging the boy as he lets out wild laughs; fouling my heart with warmth. I slide off his back but he’s still holding on to my leg making me stumble, he quickly loops his arm around my waist catching me before I can fully reach the ground. Our eyes linger on each other for longer than normal when we hear a faint but clear whistle behind us.

“Come on lover birds, we have songs to write and instruments to play,” Reggie says walking up to the two of his, blushing and warm cheeks clearly showing. We finally look down and realize we’re still conjoined at the hip making us move away from each other abruptly.

---------------

“Hey luke it’s me again, I know your soul is technically still in the studio and I just saw you but it’s still nice to come to check on your body.” I saw as I bring my hand to the luke laying on the hospital bed, caressing his rough calloused fingers with my own soft ones.

I giggle as i remember a fun time we had when he was quote “alive”.

“You remember that one time we went down to-” I was quickly cut off by Lukes’s nurse coming in to tell me visiting hours were over, but I can still hang out with ghost luke, right? All these thoughts in my head; what if he doesn’t wake up, what if he never gets to be seen again,to play his music the way he wants to.what if I never have my best friend back.

---------------------------------------

“In and out y/n, just like we practiced, in and out.” Alex had me leaned against his chest to  help with the tightening of my muscles as he brushed the hair out of my face helping with my panic attack.“Luke-Lu-Luke, where is-where is he.” I managed to get out in between breaths.

“He said he was on his way, It okay he’ll be here.” he stroked my hair, as I struggled to breathe at all, my test tightened, I felt cut off from the world. It was like watching myself struggle but unable to help with the pain. Just about that time, I was bursting into hot tears, luke ran into the studio immediately cupping my face with his calloused hands trying to calm me down while repeatedly asking whats wrong;I bury my head in the crook of his neck as I continue to squall about how he’s my best friend. “ Y/n you smell like pure vodka, did you drink anything?” He holds my face in his hands staring at me lovingly

“I drank some- I drank a lot of Smirnoff- a little of a lot,  cus i visited you in the hospital and started thinking about how I need you back-I -I need you back Luke, I need-need you. Please just hold me..” I trail off into whimpers as he pulls my head in his lap, caressing my hair softly as he thinks about everything I just said.

-------------------------------

 I sit in the hospital when nurses begin to run into the rooms of the  boys,I hear ther voices and thats all i need before i start falling on my knees crying happy tears,falling from my eyes salty droplets as i begin to run straight to lukes bed but begin to be pushed out and i know somethings wrong; And my heart drops to my stomach as i hear “Whos the pretty girl?” my boy asks.my heart stops...what did he just say 

A/N: WHAT DID SHE SAYYYY, SUPRISEEE SHAWTYYYY HE DONT REMEMBER YOUUUUUUUUU

“Luke it’s me,it’s your best friend?” i said in more of a question.

---------------------------------------------------

Weeks passed by and luke still doesn’t remember me,and i have no clue what to do.weeks feeling overwhelmed without my bestfriend.weeks crying every second thinking about how ive already lost him when lukes ghost walks in at the same time as luke when they run into each other the sight in front of me is crazy as it looks as if his soul has been  sucked into his body when i hear “Y/n?” 

I run as fast as my legs can carry me into his arms and place a harsh kiss onto his lips knocking him back but he responds kidding back. Long minutes of being in eachothers arms when he pulls back smiling that signature smile i’ve always loved 

“I love you Y/n” He says with tears in his eyes.

“I love  you too” i say as i pull him back  in for another kiss.

[krisdreaming]

A/N: This is for @briswriting​, because I saw you’ve been having a tough time lately, and I’m hoping this can help cheer you up a bit. i’m here if you need anything at all ❤️ 

It was previously requested by an anon, as well. I’m jumping on the streamer!Kenma bandwagon, and it’s also a college AU. This takes place over the course of one week.

Here’s the 4+1 masterlist

Four times Kenma thinks he loves you, and the one time he finally says it out loud

i | Saturday

Kenma shifts the grocery bags to one hand so that he can put his key in the lock. To his surprise, the door is already unlocked. He frowns. He’s sure he can remember locking it when he left that morning. A little wary, he swings the door open slowly, and the moment he steps inside, he freezes. You jump to your feet from your spot at his little kitchen table, a smile blossoming across your face. He drops the grocery bags to the floor in the moment before you hurl yourself at him, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck.

He staggers backwards slightly until he can adjust to your weight. “You’re here,” He breathes against your neck in disbelief. He loops his arms around your middle, holding on tight because he can’t shake the feeling that if he lets go, you might disappear. “You were only supposed to get here tomorrow.”

“I know,” You pull back slightly, just enough to allow him to drink in your face. “I decided to leave school early. I couldn’t wait any longer.” You scrunch your nose, probably laughing to yourself at the expression that must be on his face. “Kuroo let me in,” You add, which answers the next question he’d been going to ask.

“I missed you,” You say then, softer, backing away but still with the fabric of his hoodie pinched between your fingers.

“I missed you, too.” He looks at you standing in his kitchen, bouncing slightly on your heels, grinning at him like he’s Christmas morning, and it crashes over him that quickly.

I love you. It’s three little words, only eight letters, but somehow they’re taking up all the space in his chest. He smiles back at you, and instead of saying a word, he cups the back of your neck and presses his lips to yours.

ii | Monday

"Are you ready?” Kenma glances at you, one side of his headphones cocked slightly off his ear so he can hear your response. You look up from your switch and smile at him, a little uncertain. The faint Animal Crossing background music coming from it is just slightly out of sync with his own.

“Um, yeah. I think so. Are you sure you want me to be in your stream?” You’re seated just at the edge of the camera view, half in and half out. 

“Yeah,” He says, nodding, reaching out to brush a stray strand of hair away from your face. “You’re gonna have to scoot over a little bit if you want to be on the screen.” You comply, your arm brushing his. Both of your faces are completely in view now, and he shoots the you on-screen a small smile. “The chat is probably going to be a little crazy,” He warns, making a few last-minute adjustments before going live, mouse hovering over the button. “You’re at the airport?” He confirms with you one last time, and you nod. No sooner than the feed goes live, chat messages begin to pour in. He’s used to it, and even Kenma can barely skim over them fast enough.

“Hey, guys.” He greets, “Welcome to the Monday night stream. I have a special guest tonight.” He glances over at you then, and he watches as you drag your eyes from the scrolling chat messages to the camera and offer it a smile and a small wave. Something squeezes in his chest. “This is Y/N.”

“omg, this is so cute!” “I didn’t know Kenma was dating anyone.” “you guys are dating, right?” “did you see the look on his face???” “is anyone else seeing all those little glances he keeps stealing??” The messages keep flooding in as you play. You’re a little stiff at first, but it isn’t long before you begin to loosen up and start talking and laughing naturally. 

You’ve played countless hours of Animal Crossing together. It had been one of your favorite things to do while you were apart. Even so, nothing quite compares to playing with you right beside him, seeing your reactions first hand and hearing you get excited and laugh. The viewers seem to be eating it up, and he keeps seeing snatches of messages in the chat about “chemistry” and “love” and how happy he looks. 

They’re right about that. In this moment, he’s beyond happy. When you pause to smile at him, he thinks he loves you so much that his heart might burst.

iii | Tuesday

Waking up next to you has to be one of Kenma’s favorite things. He can tell it’s pretty late by the way the sun is streaming in through the window, but you’re still sound asleep, with your cheek pillowed on your hand and your lips just slightly parted. 

He can’t blame you for being tired. The stream had lasted longer than usual the night before, and it had been well past midnight by the time the two of you had gotten ready for bed and finally snuggled up together to fall asleep. He thinks it must have taken you a while to fall asleep, too, because you’d been chattering to him about how much fun you’d had and bringing up different moments from the stream, too hyped up to be tired. It had been that way for his first few streams, too.

He can’t help but smile at the memory, looking at you sleeping so peacefully now. This sort of thing, something as simple as waking up in the same bed as you every day, is what Kenma wants. Someday soon, he knows you’ll get there. The long distance will be over and you’ll be together.

As if you can sense him thinking about you, you stir with a soft hum, eyes slowly blinking open and a smile sneaking across your face when you see him and remember where you are. “Morning,” He whispers softly, finally letting himself reach out and brush his fingertips across your cheek, tracing the features of your face like he’s memorizing it.

“Good morning,” You murmur back blearily. He leans in and presses the softest kiss to the tip of your nose, grinning at the way it scrunches up when he pulls away. I love you is hovering there again, right at the surface, but somehow he can’t quite get the words past his lips. He presses his lips to your skin, instead.

iv | Thursday

It’s all your idea. “We should go up to the roof,” You suggest, out of nowhere.

“Why?” He can’t mask his skepticism. “You won’t be able to see the stars, you know.”

You shrug. “Yeah, but we’ll be able to see the whole city from up there! I bet it’s beautiful - all the buildings and lights.” Suddenly, there’s a dreamy look on your face, and he thinks as he does sometimes that he wants to see the world the way you see it. That’s why he agrees, and you’re dragging blankets and mugs of cocoa up the flights of stairs.

“Ooh,” You breathe the moment you step out into the cool night air, walking to the edge and surveying the city all around you, the twinkling lights and the muted sounds of traffic below. “Isn’t it beautiful?” You look at him then, and in the semi-darkness the only thing illuminating your face is all those city lights. Yes, he thinks immediately, You are. And he isn’t quite sure where that came from.

“It is,” He says, wrapping the blanket around both of you because all the way up here, despite it being almost summer, there’s a definite chill in the air. You lean your head on his shoulder then, and he wraps his fingers around the warm mug in his hands. He rests his cheek on the top of your head, and you sit in silence for a while, just looking at the city stretched out all around you.

“I love being here with you,” You murmur suddenly, and he turns to look at you. You’re already looking at him, a soft smile on your face backlit by the city lights. “It just feels so right, you know?”

He hums in agreement. “I love having you here with me,” He says, and it’s so close, but so far, from what he really means to say.

v | Saturday

It’s bittersweet. The evening had been as close to perfect as it could be. You’d had dinner at one of the nicest restaurants he’d ever been to and walked around a nearby park afterwards, just talking and laughing and enjoying your last evening together. You’re leaving tomorrow, heading back to school, and he wishes there was a way to slow down time so that he could live in these last few moments forever.

Time is running out, he knows that. If he wants to say it to you in person, it’s going to have to be tonight. You’re already back at his apartment, and you’re in the bedroom changing out of your fancy clothes while he’s in the bathroom brushing his teeth. You come up beside him, then, in one of his old t-shirts with your hair soft around your face, and reach for your toothbrush.

“Our last night,” You say softly, wetting your toothbrush and reaching for the toothpaste. He hums, spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing his mouth before replying.

“Yeah. It went by so fast,” He puts his toothbrush back in the cup, and it’s silly, but he can’t help but think that it will look so lonely without yours next to it. His apartment will feel so empty without you in it.

“It always does,” You offer him a melancholy smile, and he reaches for your hand as you make your way back to the bedroom, lacing your fingers loosely together as he pulls you down to sit next to him on the bed.

“Before you know it, you’ll be moving in here with me,” He says, as much for his own benefit as yours. “Just a few more months, and you’ll be graduating. And then you’ll be in Tokyo with me.” He feels his lips curve upward at the thought. You’re smiling a little brighter, too.

“Hey Y/N,” He says then, holding your hand a little tighter, “I’m really glad you could be here with me this week. It was perfect, really. In every way. And I can’t wait until every week can be like this week. Because... I love you, Y/N.”

He watches as your eyes blow wide, and you’re smiling at him, something that can’t quite be contained so it spills out as a quick burst of laughter. “Kenma,” You throw your arms around his neck, and he immediately holds you close. “I love you, too,” You say, and the words are muffled into his t-shirt, “So, so much.” You pull back and he’s kissing you then, or maybe you were the one to kiss him, he’s not quite sure. All he knows is that he loves you, and that isn’t going to change anytime soon.

4+1 taglist (let me know if you want to be added!):

@luna-barnes14​, @herow1n​, @disgruntled-gay​

[rebellioussinner09]

Wrote this a bit tipsy on New Year’s eve heheheh...

Anyways if ya’ll have any requests or suggestions on a fic feel free to message me

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Little Miracle

“How you feeling babe?” Kuroo whispered softly as he leaned down towards your eye level,

His right hand flew up to your face to remove the strand of hair that had fallen out of your messy bun.

“Sleepy” you murmured “They really woke me up just to put me to sleep again” you complained as you reached up to rub your swollen eyes with the back of your hand.

Kuroo barks out a quiet laugh as he gently adjusted the gurney that you were currently confined in.

He untangled the tubes of the IV drip that were in loops between the cold metal pole before he positions himself beside you.

“I think I expected you to be more nervous” Kuroo said as he intertwined his left hand into yours.

The cool metals of both your wedding rings touching each other.

“Oh I am nervous” you affirmed as you gently traced the small bulge of your stomach.

During the early months of your pregnancy, You had somehow felt that the little child inside you was small compared to the other Pregnancy articles you read online, and Kuroo somehow convinces you that maybe the baby took after you and not his tall tree-like genes.

“If she weighs 5 pounds when she’s out im gonna loose my shit” You huffed.

Kuroo snorted at his wife’s statement “More easy for us to carry her then”

Before You got a chance to swat at Kuroo for that comment,a lady wearing a scrub suit and surgical gloves entered the room.

“It’s time for the surgery Mrs. Kuroo” she announced as she unhooked your IV’s to place it between the metal rod that was attached to your gurney.

Kuroo gave your hand one last squeeze before he leaned down again to plant a kiss on your forehead “Good luck babe I’ll see you later” he then looms down towards your stomach “And I’ll see you soon too baby girl don’t give Mommy a hard time ok?”

Giving you one last kiss on the lips, he allowed the nurse to wheeled the gurney away from him and into the Operating room.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Kuroo waited a good two hours before he was called in again by the same nurse who took Y/N into the OR.

She lead him towards the nursery room and towards a small crib with a newborn baby girl wrapped up in a pink blanket.

He approached the crib cautiously, trying not to stir the sleeping figure, but the baby seemed to sense her father (and also took after Kuroo being a light sleeper) beside her, because she slowly opened her eyes revealing her orbs that clearly matches yours

When those beautiful eyes met Kuroo’s hazel ones. His whole world stopped.

Like literally stoped. For a moment nothing else mattered. An asteroid could have hit earth and wiped away all life and Kuroo wouldn’t have cared.

“Hi” he cooed softly as he bent down to pick her up. To his surprise the baby was a bit heavier than he expected so he assumed his little girl was born healthy and had an average weight for a premature baby.

“Hi love” he cooed again as the baby let out a soft yawn.

“We got a really amazing name for you know?” He told her tenderly as he watches the baby girl snuggled up against him, loving the warmth her father was giving her.

“Hi Taichou” he whispered the name quietly unto the newborn’s ear.

A name that meant a lot to Kuroo and Y/N

A name that signifies her fathers past role.

A name that the both of them would always carry until the day they die.

Because Kuroo knows it’s gonna be the 3 of them against the world now.

Taichou name meaning: Captain/ Leader/Commander.

[dreaming-of-assclass]

"ive never felt like this about anyone before!" with terasaka and nagisa?? (or just karmagisa if ur uncomfy with that! :>)

Pairing: Nagisa Shiota/Ryoma Terasaka

Genre: Romance, Fluff

Word Count: 1,588

A/N: Aww this is a cute pairing! I decided to go the classic route of confessing with chocolates UwU. Also ft. BFF/wingwoman Kayano!! I really like the honest simplicity of Nagisa and Terasaka’s relationship, and I hope I conveyed that well.

Before joining 3-E, Nagisa never really thought of himself as unpredictable. He’d always been a simple guy, with not many quirks. Maybe a bit of a wallflower, even. He liked observing others and the nuances of human nature. He liked seeing how other people could be surprising. 

But then 3-E happened, and he kept receiving constant praises of his “natural talents.” How stealthy he was, how he took down Takaoka, how he kept on shocking his classmates and teachers with his capriciousness, etc.

Nagisa couldn’t help but enjoy the attention, although he tried his best to hide it. But truth be told, he still saw himself as a simple person. And a part of him preferred it that way, seeking out some normalcy in the midst of his transformed life. 

And now, as he stood in his kitchen, eyes wide at the countertop covered with a dozen different ingredients, he was wishing he’d been more unique after all. 

Chocolates on Valentine’s Day? How unoriginal, he sighed internally. 

Nagisa reached for his plain navy apron and looped it over his head, the fabric tickling his nose. He tied the straps behind him and took a deep breath, eyeing the gourmet bar of 80% cacao he’d purchased.

Before he could linger on his doubts and call off the entire thing, his best friend (and baking partner) returned from the bathroom. Kayano bounded into the kitchen with a grin on her face. “Sorry for making you wait, Nagisa. I just had to take care of a small hair emergency!”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Nagisa quickly reassured her with a smile. He glanced at her dark messy bun, fondly recalling the old quirky jade pigtails he’d grown used to for an entire year. “Thanks again for helping me out, Kayano.”

“Of course!” she replied, skillfully tying on her own butterscotch apron. “What are friends for, if not helping you make chocolates because you’re a hopeless mess in the kitchen?”

Nagisa laughed and stepped back to give her room as she started examining the ingredients. “Yeah, I would’ve destroyed my kitchen. Cooking is one thing, but I’m not good at baking...and I’ve never made chocolates before.”

“That’s fine. They’re pretty easy to make, once you get past the beginning,” Kayano assured him with a smile.

They fell into comfortable conversation as they worked through the recipe. Nagisa’s clumsy hands nearly made a few mistakes, but Kayano was quick to assist him. Eventually, they stood by and waited for the chocolate to melt over the stove, with Nagisa continuously stirring it.

“I really appreciate you helping me. Seriously, that’s so nice of you. Let me know if there’s anything I can help you with.”

He paused then quickly fixed his words, stammering. “I-I mean, you can ask for anything at any time, of course! I just meant to return the favor, you know?”

Kayano laughed. “Relax, Nagisa. This is nothing compared to what an awesome friend you’ve been for me. You don’t owe me anything.”

He frowned slightly. “But…”

She hummed in thought. “I guess I am pretty curious to know who you’re giving them to, though? But only if you’re comfortable sharing!”

There was a brief silence, only the stirring of the liquid chocolate filling the air between them. 

“Nagisa…?”

“Terasaka-kun.”

“Huh?”

He sighed with a smile. “I’m making these for Terasaka-kun.”

“Really?” Her eyes widened. “Aww!”

Nagisa winced at her high-pitched squeal then smiled at her acceptance. “You’re not surprised?”

“Not really,” she admitted. “You guys have always had a very sweet and trusting relationship.” 

Nagisa felt his face heat up. “You think so?” he asked quietly, returning his gaze back to the pot.

“Yes, I do,” she smiled. “They say the best relationships always do come after one of you nearly blows the other up, anyways~”

He groaned as she laughed. 

Another stretch of comfortable silence passed and soon, they were onto decorating the chocolates. Nagisa watched in awe as she delicately laced the top of the rich chocolates with a caramel icing. 

Finally, it was his turn. He carefully made a tiny flower design with the hazelnut icing tube. “You know…” he began.

“I’ve never done anything like this before,” he admitted quietly. “Making chocolates...confessing...I never acted on my feelings or was proactive.” Nagisa’s eyes were trained on what he was doing, but he could feel Kayano’s gaze on him.

“But...the way I feel about Terasaka-kun. With him. Around him…” A small smile etched onto his face. “It’s such an intense, engulfing feeling. But at the same time, it makes me feel lighter than air.”

“I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.”

The next day was Valentine’s Day, and Nagisa swore, he never heard his own heart beat so rapidly before in his whole life. 

He had texted Terasaka that morning to meet up somewhere, under the context of borrowing a book. The five minutes in which he’d awaited a response were the most agonizing he’d ever felt. Was he being too obvious? Terasaka responded positively though, with a short “yeah ofc. see u later.” Nagisa had fallen out of his bed in relief.

Now he was standing outside the local library, clutching onto his schoolbag. He was still in his uniform, and he bet Terasaka would be as well since school hours had just ended. 

Valentine’s Day had been uneventful for the most part. He’d gotten friendship chocolates from most of the girls in his class, a completely platonic gesture. Nagisa made a mental note of who he would give gifts to on White Day, to return such a kind gesture. Outside of that, he’d just watched in amusement at some of the antics going on around him. Chocolates being given by the hundreds to popular boys, confessions going wildly wrong and descending into chaos, fangirls, all the like. 

“Yo!” His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice. Nagisa jolted up at the sight of Terasaka making his way towards him. The object of his affection was uniform-clad in a rather neat manner, with his school bag slung over his shoulder, wearing a fond grin once his eyes locked with Nagisa’s.

Nagisa felt his stomach tighten, as if a bunch of knots were tied inside. This is it… “Hey,” he greeted with a smile, waving to the taller boy. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too,” Terasaka replied warmly, slowing to a stop a couple feet in front of him. “How’s this crappy holiday been for ya?”

“Heh, pretty boring,” Nagisa chuckled. “Like always, I just get friendship chocolates from the girls in my class.”

“Really? That’s still cool.” 

Nagisa hummed. “What about you?” He asked, instantly dreading the answer.

Terasaka laughed lightly. “I got some from the squad as a joke, and I’m completely fine with that.”

“Oh, haha.” Nagisa felt a weight lift off his chest at the response, and his grip tightened on his bag.

Terasaka frowned slightly at him. “You okay? You’re acting a little weird.”

Now? Nagisa questioned himself. Now feels right…

Finally making his resolve, Nagisa chose not to answer verbally. Instead, he quickly opened his bag and pulled out the decorated box. He opted to go simple, rather than the ornate boxes he’d seen people give. It was a small square shape in a deep crimson color, topped by a golden bow. 

“Terasaka-kun…” Nagisa let out a sharp breath he was unaware he’d been holding. He lifted his gaze to meet Terasaka’s, and offered him a genuine smile.

“I really like you. And I made you these chocolates.” He extended his hand holding the box. “Will you go out with me?”

A tiny part of Nagisa’s mind, within his conscious, was blown away at his actions. He was seriously confessing to his crush. With homemade chocolates. Is this for real?

But Nagisa was nothing if not honest. And that extended to even himself. 

A second had passed and Terasaka gently took the chocolates from him, a warm look in his eyes that made Nagisa melt just a little. His lips were curved into a rare smile of faded surprise and contentment.

Finally he spoke, his voice like honey, full of affection. “Of course I’ll go out with you, stupid. I like you too.”

Nagisa’s chest swelled with joy. He smiled stronger than he ever had before, a rush of emotion passing through him.

Terasaka’s attention had shifted to the box in his large hands, and he tugged the bow off. “You made these yourself?” He sounded curious.

“Yes...but with a lot of help from Kayano,” Nagisa admitted sheepishly, rubbing the back of his short hair.

Terasaka laughed as he opened it, picking up the one that Nagisa had decorated with a flower. “They look awesome.” He plucked it into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. His eyes soon lit up. “Woah, they taste great too!”

“Really?!” Nagisa asked excitedly, feeling a bit of pride. 

“For sure.” Terasaka nodded with a grin that soon turned shy. He averted his gaze slightly, his face pink. “Thanks for making these for me…”

“I’m glad you like them,” Nagisa said somewhat absentmindedly, his attention focused on how cute Terasaka’s shy smile was.

His thoughts were interrupted by Terasaka suddenly leaning in closer. “Wait uh…” His crush’s face reddened even more. “...Can I kiss you?”

Nagisa felt his own face flush as he nodded. 

The kiss was simple and sweet, yet filled with strong genuine emotions. It was almost like a representative of their bond. 

And Nagisa wouldn’t have it any other way.

[shhhhyoursister]

okay im gonna post this right before i go to bed because i havent posted new stuff in a while and its like AHH but okay so here is the first of the unfinshied/unedited things ive written, and the first of the two lets say..... niche aus i have.....very niche and very exposing of how much of a loser i am!! 

i mentioned this one a few times and before everything got bad in the world i had so many ideas but here yall go here is my beloved davenzi pokemon au i hope all you other losers enjoy

(also please excuse all the brackets i write things out of order but always need to make notes of what happens in between)

Matteo pushed the door open, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, and let out a loud yawn as he stretched an arm over his head. He raised the glass of Pinap juice to his mouth and took a sip, smiling around the rim as he looked out at the large meadow behind his house.

The berry trees were growing tall around the perimeter of the fence, patches of grass at various lengths sprouting out of the ground. The large pond off to the side had its own waterfall, a feature his mother was extremely proud of, and he could admit that it added a little something special to the space

It wasn’t much, but they  did what they could with what they had. It was enough for the Pokémon they cared for, at least. 

At that thought, he felt something tugging at his pants, and he glanced down and smiled at the Vulpix at his feet. Its teeth were caught in the fabric but he reached down to pat it on the head anyway, knowing that was just its way of greeting him. It let go and stood next to him, like it was expecting something.

“What do you want?” he asked, poking it lightly in the side with his foot, and laughed when it rolled onto its back and latched onto it with its paw, and tried to secure its hold with the leg that was missing one. Matteo got it off easy and it sprung back up, ready to play.

He rolled his eyes, and walked further out into the meadow, the Vulpix trotting along happily beside him. There were a few Pokémon that he needed to check on before breakfast for himself or the rest of the Pokémon roaming around the property, and he wanted to get it done fast because the Tauros with the bandage over its eye was snorting at him from over in its usual corner. He quickened his pace.

He was looking for the Luvdisc that his mother had found a few days before, alone and hungry in shallow water, and his eyes scanned over the mostly clear water, trying to catch any sign of the pink water-type swimming around. He saw it just as it darted around a Buizel and behind a rock, seeming to be in much better shape than the day before. He was about to turn and head to the small shed in the back where they kept some of the Pokémon in more serious condition, but he looked up when he heard the door slide open, and his mom call his name.

“Matteo, Jonas is here to say bye!” She yelled out, and he turned and started making his way back.

“I didn’t get to look at the Pachirisu yet.” He said, jogging up to her. She was smiling softly at him, her long brown hair pulled back in a bandana. She was holding a bowl in her arms, no doubt the breakfast she had been making for the Pokémon when he had come downstairs that morning

“Don’t worry about that, go see your friend, and wish him luck!” she said, walking out the back door, “He’s going to battle his next gym leader!” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Matteo muttered as he walked past her, setting his glass down as he went. 

He found Jonas by the front door, six Pokéballs attached to his waist, and a large bag on his back. He had his Jigglypuff out of its ball by his side, and it started bouncing when Matteo got closer.

“Hey, Luigi!” Jonas exclaimed, pulling him in for a hug, and Matteo squeezed his arms around his backpack. The hug was bittersweet, and he almost didn’t want to let go. He didn’t have many friends in his little town, and his responsibilities at the Pokémon Sanctuary made it difficult to go too far.

“You feeling ready?” Matteo asked, knowing what Jonas was going to say. He had always been confident, and was getting through the gyms at a rapid pace.

“Of course, bro,” he said, grinning and punching Matteo in the arm, “I feel ready to battle anyone after beating that ghost-type gym leader. That was rough, it took me four fucking tries!”

Matteo nodded as Jonas went off. Matteo had heard the stories many times, not just from Jonas, but similar ones from other trainers in his town; the gym leader that happened to be the closest to them also happened to be one of the toughest. His Pokémon were strong, he was strong, but most importantly his connection to each of them was strong. He was admired, envied, and heavily respected.

Nobody knew anything about him, though.

The gym was off deep in the woods, off of one of the random routes running through their town. It was not only hard to find, but hard to navigate, as once one entered it was quite clear that the house was designed to keep people out. There were traps and dead ends and looping hallways that all just led back to the beginning, and Jonas said it took him hours to even find the staircase that led to the gym leader.

“I should be heading off if I want to get to the city before it’s dark,” Jonas said, and extended his arms for another hug. Matteo squeezed him again, and said his own goodbye before Jonas ruffled his hair and went out the door, the Jigglypuff following close behind. Matteo let out a sigh, and walked back through his house. 

“Matteo, can you come here a second?” he heard his mother call from the kitchen, and he sighed again and poked his head into the room.

“Yeah, mama?” He asked, itching to get back outside. He had been making progress with the skittish Ponyta that hid whenever anyone else came near it, and he had been wanting to see if it would eat out of his hand that morning.

“You seem sad,” she said, and he stopped himself from rolling his eyes and walked further into the kitchen as she continued, “you’re not usually sad when Jonas or your other friends go off to battle.”

“Yeah, well, I’m going to miss him,” he said, knowing that wasn’t all, “last time he left he didn’t come back for a month. And I haven’t seen Abdi or Carlos in longer than that, and I don’t even know where Amira is right now.”

His mother nodded. She had heard him say that before, note that as the reason he was upset anytime the idea of gyms or badges or battling was brought up. She walked over to him and put a hand on his cheek, and smiled gently.

“You know, if you want to take a break from this and train,  you can.”

Matteo closed his eyes. It was something she had offered before, and he knew that there was almost no way he would be willing to take her up on it. The sanctuary was too important to him, no matter how much he might’ve wanted a party of his own. He didn’t need his own Pokémon when there were dozens that needed him right at home.

“I’m not going to stop helping you here, mama,” Matteo responded as usual, “this is more important than winning a few gym badges.”

“You wouldn’t even have to stop if you don’t want to,” she said, patting him on the cheek and moving back over to the stove where she was cooking their breakfast, “if you want to do both, find some Pokémon from the sanctuary. I’m sure some of them would be more than happy to battle with you.”

Matteo laughed sarcastically, and then actually thought about what his mother said, and his mouth drew into a line. He didn’t know if he wanted to put that burden on any of the Pokémon that they were caring for, even though he knew in the back of his head that some would be willing and able. He thought about that little Vulpix that would follow behind him and nip at his heels, and the Butterfree that would always swoop over his head and chirp happily at him, and even the Tauros with the eyepatch liked him as long as he was fed.

“I don’t know,” he settled on, and then turned to the door, “I’m going to check on the rest.”

****

Later that night, Matteo was sitting out on the roof outside of his room, after climbing through the window. It looked out over the entire sanctuary, but it was too dark for him to see much. He could see some small ripples in the water in the pond, but beyond that the only thing he could make out were sounds. He could hear something, probably a Rattata or Sandshrew, scratching and digging around the grass, and the melodic chirps of a Kricketot. He heard the same Noctowl as before cooing quietly in one of the trees, and he closed his eyes as a breeze blew by.

They were the sounds he had grown up with. Matteo was raised out in the sanctuary more than he was inside his own home. His mother and father had opened it soon after getting married, had built it into something highly respected in their community. They had a large staff working with them and they would get multiple calls each day from people finding injured Pokémon out in the wild.

There were photo albums full of him as an infant being stared at by a confused Pikachu, being (very carefully) held by a Kangaskhan, laughing as a Ledyba flew overhead. Once he was old enough he started working alongside his parents, and everyone in town loved the Florenzi’s, the couple that would save wild Pokémon with their wild son by their side. 

When Matteo was around twelve, things went a little sour. His dad started talking more about battling, and gyms, and how cool it would be to go out and see the world beyond their small town. He tried to convince Matteo that they could go off and battle together, father and son, and when Matteo refused, his father had gone quiet. A few days later, he came down for breakfast to his mother crying, his father’s stuff gone, and six of the Pokémon from the sanctuary missing as well.

He took a deep pull from the joint in his mouth, remembering the fierce promise he had made to himself that morning; he would never, ever, leave his mother like his father did. Battling and gym badges weren’t worth it.

But there was something in the back of Matteo’s head that was starting to get louder as he sat there. Something saying that just going to one gym wouldn’t be the same; he could work at the sanctuary during the day, train with (willing) Pokémon at night, and in a few weeks make the short trip to the ghost-type gym. He wasn’t expecting that he’d win, no matter what gym he went to, but the desire for something more was unfortunately undeniable. Matteo hated what his father did, but could understand the urge to run away. 

He stubbed the joint out and took one more look at the sanctuary before going back inside and getting ready for bed. As he climbed under the covers, he realized he made up his mind. His first task for the morning, alongside his usual morning chores, was to see which Pokémon wanted to, and were able to, battle. 

****

[Matteo makes a party and its kind of a mishmash of misfits but it’s the best he can do because he doesn't want to go out and catch wild Pokémon especially when he has some that want to battle with him]

[He spends a few weeks training and it's really tough and they aren’t amazing but they're better than he expected, and he doesn't really get why they love him and listen to him the way they do]

[One day he decided that he's ready and he promises his mom that he's gonna be back that night and he goes off to find the ghost type gym]

[He finds the gym and it looks completely abandoned and he has to climb over a gate to get in but he does it and then he has to walk through this super creepy dark place and he's having a rough time and he's getting more and more scared and worried that he's in the wrong place and that what he's doing is a bad idea and that he should just turn around when-]

And then finally, a staircase.

Matteo saw it at the end of the hall and sighed in relief. He was exhausted, glad that his Pokémon were in their Pokéballs so they weren’t as tired as him. He wiped the sweat off of his brow, and then tied his bandana around his head to keep his hair out of his face as he walked towards the stairs. He placed his foot on the first one and winced at the loud creak that came from it. He walked up the stairs carefully, seeing a door as he got closer to the top.

He finally reached the top of the stairway, and his shoulders dropped when he saw the door. There was a board across it, blocking it off, and Matteo felt anger start to bubble up inside him. He had spent hours trying to find the fucking place, had banked on Jonas mentioning a staircase, and had gotten so hopeful when he saw it. He huffed and, like a child, kicked hard at the door. His jaw dropped when it swung open.

He carefully made his way inside, his eyes scanning around the large room, too dark for him to make anything out. There seemed to be a fog making it even harder to see, and he waved his arm in front of him to see if he could clear it away. He took a few steps, and then a few more, and was about to take another when he heard a quiet, “I’d stop there if I were you.”

Matteo’s head snapped up and he froze, unable to tell where the sudden voice came from. He could feel his breathing pick up, and he could even hear it in the silence that followed the voice, and was about to turn and bolt when he heard, also quiet but with a bit of a laugh under it, “I didn’t mean to scare you, I just didn’t want you to fall in.”

Matteo whipped his head around, trying to figure out what he was about to fall in, when it seemed like the fog seemed to thin. He looked around the room as details became clearer, the blueish-green tiles on the walls and the white, chipped paint, and he looked down at his feet and stumbled back a few steps; he was standing right at the edge of what seemed to be a huge, empty, swimming pool.

Well, almost empty. As the fog cleared, Matteo could make out a figure on the other side, who seemed to be sitting on the edge, their feet dangling into the empty space below. He watched the figure kick off the edge and land with a quiet sound a few feet below in the pool itself, and then they started coming closer.

Matteo felt himself get nervous. Not scared, like he had been initially getting to the building, and wandering around in the dark, and when he had first come into the room and seen the fog. He was nervous, because there was no way that this person wasn’t the gym leader, which meant that he was about to battle a gym leader. 

“Are you going to come down here?” The voice asked again, definitely coming from the approaching gym leader. 

Matteo took a breath before looking around and spotting a ladder that led down into the pool. He made his way over on shaky legs and got himself down as carefully as he could, landing hard on his feet and stumbling a little. He righted himself just as he heard the gym leader stop, and he took another deep breath before looking up.

And he huffed out that breath, because the man standing in front of him had to be a dream, or maybe there was a Pokémon there that had some kind of power that was making him hallucinate, because there was no other explanation for how he was so beautiful. And Matteo knew that he shouldn’t have been focusing on that, but he was only human, and he was very, very gay.

“You’re quiet,” the gym leader said, crossing his arms over his chest and smiling, “you are here to battle, right?”

“Yes, I am,” Matteo said quickly, grabbing a hand around one of the Pokéballs around his waist, “my first one.”

He wanted to slap a hand over his face for saying that. He didn’t think that was good information to tell the person that he was about to battle if he wanted to seem confident, not that that wasn’t already out the window with his obvious panic. He watched the gym leader smile bright, and he wished it didn’t make his stomach jolt the way it did.

“Aw, you chose me to be your first?” he asked, placing a hand over his heart, “I’m honored.”

Matteo smiled. He was funny at least, even if he was going to beat Matteo and his Pokémon within six rounds probably. 

“Mostly just out of convenience, this is the gym closest to me.” he explained, not really knowing how much he was supposed to be talking. He had no idea what he was doing, at all, but the gym leader didn’t seem to be rushing anything along.

“That makes sense, I’m not usually the first gym people come to. I don’t know why that is, though,” he stepped back and threw his arms out, “I try to make it nice, you know?”

Matteo snorted, “Yeah, that fence you have to hop to get in is really welcoming, and the board across the door really makes me feel at home.”

The gym leader laughed, and Matteo let himself laugh with him, losing a bit of the nerves he had coming in.

“Well, I’m glad you like it,” he said, and then grabbed a Pokéball seemingly out of thin air, threw it up and then as he caught it turned to Matteo and asked, “so, are you ready for your first battle? I’ll go easy on you.”

He said it was a slightly patronizing grin, so Matteo grabbed his own Pokéball in his hand, tilted his head with a sweet smile and said, “Don’t worry, you don’t have to.”

David looked happily surprised and nodded, and before Matteo could react he threw the Pokéball into the air, and a Mimikyu landed on the ground in front of him. Matteo looked at it in shock.

“You have a Mimikyu?” he asked, wanting to get closer to look. The Pokémon was looking at him, or at least the disguise part was, gently flopping around on top of the Pokémon it was concealing inside.

“Yeah, it was one of my first,” the gym leader said with a small smile, and then shook himself out of it and grinned cocikly, “which means it’s one of my strongest.”

Matteo nodded, and threw his own Pokéball into the air, Vulpix springing onto the ground in front of him. It looked ready, stanced and nose pointed at the Mimikyu in front of it. The battle started when the gym leader called out his first move.

And Matteo lost. Badly, and quickly, and if he wasn’t so worried about getting home so he could tend to his Pokémon he would've been more embarrassed. He dropped to his knees next to his Sandshrew as it trembled on the ground from the last attack laid on it by the gym leader’s second Pokémon.

“That was pretty good for a first try,” he heard echo through the room, and he looked up and pushed his sweaty hair out of his eyes.

“It wasn’t good. I wasn’t meant to be a trainer, and these Pokémon weren’t meant to battle. I should just give up.” He sighed, and held the Pokéball out so the Sandshrew could return to it and rest. He got up and dusted himself off, and saw the gym leader standing much closer than he had been.

“It’s not that you weren’t good, you just weren’t ready. You have a connection to these guys. I can see it.” the gym leader said earnestly, reaching his hand out. 

“That doesn’t mean they should be battling,” he sighed, “they’re all from the sanctuary me and my mom have. I shouldn’t have made them do this.”

“You weren’t making them do anything,” the gym leader said quickly, “seriously, you can tell they’re enjoying it because they’re doing it with you. I’ve been a gym leader for a while, you should trust me on this. I know Pokémon.”

“Well, so do I,” Matteo said with an angry huff, making his mind up again, “and I’m done battling.”

He turned, ignoring the disappointed look on the face of the gym leader, and climbed up the ladder before hurrying home.

****

[Matteo really doesnt think hes gonna go back but the pokemon were having fun and he kinda wants to see david again so he starts training again, gets a bit stronger and goes back]

He found it easier the second time, and made his way through it easier the second time too, as if he actually remembered the way through the crazy maze inside. When he got to the top of the stairs and saw the boarded up door again he snorted, and took a deep breath before pushing his way into the room again.

He was greeted by the same thick fog, the same tiles around the walls, the same chipping paint, but he knew to not take too many steps in. He figured the gym leader knew he came in, as the fog started clearing again once he was in the room, and he saw the same figure seated in the same spot on the edge of the pool.

“Oh, the boy from the Pokémon sanctuary!” the gym leader called out as he jumped down onto the pool tiles, “I’ve been expecting you.”

Matteo laughed and said, “I didn’t think I was coming back, how could you have been expecting me?”

“I could see it in your eyes,” the gym leader took a few steps closer, “you want to win. Or you want to prove something. No matter what it is, you have a reason to be here.”

Matteo smiled before making his way down the ladder and into the pool. His feet hit the tiles and he turned around so he could the gym leader, who he was getting very tired of only referring to as ‘the gym leader’.

“What’s your name?” he asked quickly, before he could think better of it, “Like, I know your whole thing is being mysterious but I have a feeling I’m going to be coming back here again.”

“Oh, so we’re already on a first name basis?” the gym leader asked, spinning around and a few steps towards the wall he had been sitting on, and he leaned his back against it, smiling.

“I just figured it’ll save us time later. Easier to do it now than in a month when it’ll be awkward.” He shrugged, offering a half smile. He tried to play it off as a joke, but he wanted to know.

He watched the gym leader smile, and then bite his lip and look down at the floor. He tapped his foot on the ground a few times before kicking off the wall and saying, “Okay, then. I’m David.”

Matteo smiled, nodded, quietly responded, “I’m Matteo,” and took a Pokéball off of his belt. 

[filmfanatic82]

AO3 Link (HERE)

Chapter 14: O (IV)

Why is this so freakin’ hard?

Everyone else makes it look so easy. They laugh and smile as if they don’t have a single care in the entire world. No worries. No second guesses. No invisible itch that they can’t seem to scratch.

They seem to just exist.

But how?

How does everyone else do it?  

Octavia takes a long sip of her beer as she wanders aimlessly throughout the sea of seemingly happy and drunken partygoers. She’s been meandering from room to room for the last hour or so, not sure where to go or who to hang out with. Clarke and Lexa are nowhere to be found and Rae…

Octavia stops for a moment and exhales as a sudden realization crashes down upon her, bringing forth a new wave of emotions. Raw and powerful. She tries to inhale but it’s no use. It’s as if her body has forgotten how to function.   

Raven Reyes. 

Fuck.

She wants Raven. 

Octavia starts to move once again. This time, though, with a newfound purpose. She chugs her beer as she wades through the crowds and then cuts through the kitchen, exchanging it out for a fresh one as she does. 

Fuck.

Why hadn’t it occurred to her before?

It’s Raven.

It’s always been Raven.

Octavia pounds back another long swig and swallows it down along with her bubbling emotions. Her eyes scan the surrounding crowds for any signs whatsoever of the older Latina but only is met with foreign glances instead.  

But what she wants to be with Raven, then does that make her?

Gay? 

Bi?

Something else?

Octavia has never attempted to dive too deep into her own sexuality before. In all honesty, up until this very moment, she hasn’t given much thought to it at all. Those feelings-- or any feelings even remotely even within those realms-- were always just non-existent for Octavia. Like a puzzle piece that life conveniently forgot to give her. 

But now…

Fuck.

Now, it’s nothing but all-consuming.

Octavia finishes her second beer in record time. She places it down on the nearby fireplace mantel and then lets out another, deeper breath of air. Her heart pounds against her ribcage, all but drowning out the rest of the sounds around her.

But what if Raven doesn’t feel the same way?

She’s with Finn.

Right?

And before Finn, there had been a brief stint with a douchebag of a guy from St. Mark’s named Wick. 

Octavia runs her hands over her ponytail as her skin starts to itch once again. It’s faint, but it’s there nonetheless. 

God, where’s Clarke?

Clarke would know…  

She always knows.

Especially when it comes to Raven.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

She needs air.

Octavia doubles back through the kitchen, making a beeline straight for the sliding glass door. She bursts out of the house and doesn’t stop until she reaches the far edges of the yard. 

“Fuck,” Octavia exhales and then sucks in a fresh breath of crisp night air.

“O?”

Octavia practically jumps out of her skin at the sound of Raven’s voice. She turns around and is met with a familiar set of all-knowing chocolate brown eyes staring right back at her. 

Fuck.

Raven sits alone against the base of a trunk of a massive oak tree nursing a beer. Although heavily cloaked by shadow of the night, Octavia swears there's a slight hint of tears in the corner of her eyes, ready to start falling at any given second.

It’s got to be the moonlight… 

The moonlight and her eyes playing tricks on her. 

That’s it.

It can’t be tears. 

Not twice in one day.

“Rae. Shit,” O says collecting herself. She moves over towards the tree and takes a seat next to Raven. “Why aren’t you inside?”

“Could ask you the same thing,” Raven responds and there’s something unusual about the tone in her voice that throws Octavia for a loop. It lacks the normal cool confidence and swagger that the taller Latina is notorious for. 

“Where’s Clarke?” 

“Last I left her she was getting up close and personal with Senor Cuervos.”

“Body shots?”

“Oh yeah,” Raven responds widening her eyes a bit on the last word for added effect. She takes a sip of her beer and lets out an unorthodox heavy sigh. It’s all so odd to Octavia. As if for the first time ever she is getting a glimpse into the stripped-down version of Raven. The one that spends most of the time hiding behind a rock-solid facade of sarcastic remarks and cocky smirks. “And Finn was first one in line.”

“Finn?” 

Raven throws back another swig and gives the slightest of nods. “Finn.”

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Depend on what you’re asking.”

“Finn… Did you guys… Did you and him…”

“Breakup?” Raven finishes Octavia’s words for her without even missing a beat. “Yeah. We did.” 

“Oh…”

“Yeah. I told him something that I recently discovered about myself and let’s just say that he didn’t take it all that well.”

Octavia stares at Raven for a moment or two, desperate for an inkling-- even the smallest of ones-- as to what Raven is referring to.

Discovered?

Raven discovered something?

Something about herself? 

Something that made Finn break up with her?

Could it be…

Octavia sinks her teeth into her bottom lip as the next question bubbles up from deep inside of her. It lingers on the tip of her tongue, begging to be asked, but she hesitates, allowing her overwhelming sense of fear to take control instead. 

“O?”

“Huh?” Octavia snaps out of her thoughts and suddenly realizes that Raven is staring at her. “Sorry, I—“

“I’m gay. That’s what I told Finn.”

Those two words all but blindside Octavia, knocking the wind right out of her lungs. Her mind fights against a sudden avalanche of conflicting thoughts, desperate to stay within the moment. 

“How?” The question tumbles out of Octavia’s mouth before she realizes what exactly she’s saying. 

“How?” Raven asks back with a harsh laugh. 

“That’s not… I meant… How did you… ” Octavia shrinks a bit into herself as her cheeks ignite with a fierce scarlet hue. “How did you know?”

Raven shrugs. “Not sure really. I guess the signs were there all along. Like I never enjoyed making out with Finn. It always just felt like a chore to me. Like something I was supposed to do, you know?” 

“Yeah… I do.” Octavia nods.

“But things didn’t really click into place until roughly about a month ago. The morning after Clarke’s birthday. I woke up and discovered my arms were wrapped around this amazingly wonderful human being and I don’t know… It just felt so right. Like it was the missing puzzle piece that I didn’t know I was looking for. And I knew. Then and there. That that’s who I wanted to be with.” 

Octavia swallows dump the dry lump of emotions rising in the back of her throat as her heart begins to race once again. She can feel Raven’s eye upon her… Studying her. Waiting for a sign-- any sign-- that she hasn’t just royally fucked everything up. 

Another moment or two of silence passes, then--

“Please say something,” Raven quietly whispers, voice quivering. “I need you to please say--” 

Octavia surges forward and without a second of hesitation, she kisses Raven. 

__________

O stirs awake to the foreign sensation of two arms wrapped around their torso. It’s a warmth that they’ve all but forgotten can exist within their world. The one that they’ve tried so hard for years to replicate with Lincoln, but never could quite achieve. 

They lean into it, desperate for the moment not to end.  

It’s Raven.

It has always been Raven 

Their missing puzzle piece.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

A sudden chorus of angry alarms cuts through the silence. O springs up, jostling Raven in the process, and scrambles out of the bed.

“O…”

“What’s wrong? Why is it beeping? Should I get a nurse? I should get a nurse.” O runs their hands over their topknot as they pace back and forth between the machines and the doorway. 

“O, stop…” Raven says again. 

“It’s not stopping. Why isn’t it stopping? Fuck.” O stops pacing and starts to check out the machines. “Did I loosen something? Like a wire? Shit. I pulled out a wire.”

“Stop!” O freezes, thrown off by the forcefulness in Raven’s voice. “The IV bag is empty. See?”

O’s eyes roam upwards towards the empty bag dangling at the top of the pole and then back down at the corresponding machine. A little red IV icon flashes on its monitor. 

“Push the green button twice and it’ll stop,” Raven says as she struggles to push herself up a bit in the bed. 

O does as they’re told and the alarm immediately stops. “How?”

Raven lets out a light laugh. “Haven’t you figured that out already? I’m observant, O. I pick up on things that others don’t.” 

“Sorry,” O sheepishly replies, curling back up in the nearby armchair. “I just--”

“Freaked out?”

“Yeah.”

Raven nods. “Glad to see some things never change.”

O’s stomach churches as the hidden meaning of the comment settles within them. They feel Raven’s eyes upon them… Studying them. Waiting for a response-- any response-- to the glaring elephant lurking within the room.

“Rae, I…” O stutters, avoiding eye contact at all costs. They can’t. Not right now. All it will take is one glimpse of those chocolate brown eyes and they’ll finally crumble from the weight of it all. 

They freak out.

That’s what they do. 

Always has.

And Raven knows it.

“Sorry,” Raven cuts them off. “Forget I said anything.”

O remains fixated on their beat-up pair of converse on their feet. They pick at the cracks in the rub soles, desperate for the distraction. They suddenly don’t know what to say. There’s a part of them that wants to lay it all out for Raven to see. Everything. Every last horrible indiscretion and scar from the past few years. 

But the underlying fear is just too overwhelming. 

Where do they even start? 

And what if…

What if it isn't enough? 

If their explanation falls short.

And they lose the only person that’s ever loved them… The real them.

“No. I… I deserve that.”

“O…”

“I deserve a lot more than that.” O blinks back tears forming in the corners of their eyes. They still can’t bring themselves to look up. 

It’s too much.

“I should’ve known better,” Raven says and O’s heart cracks at the raw vulnerability within those words. “I pushed you.” 

“You didn’t do anything.” 

“Not according to everyone else, remember? Bellamy… And Clarke… Hell, I know Mama G even blames me a little bit even though she’ll never admit to it.” 

“They shouldn’t,” O responds. “I kissed you.”

“Yeah, but I knew you weren’t ready. And I should’ve stopped, but…”

“But?”

“But I didn’t want to.”

O takes a deep breath and then musters up the courage to finally look up at Raven. “Me either.” 

Raven nods as a bittersweet smile slides across her lips. “I know.” 

“Rae, I--”

“I meant what I said. Earlier. About it being nice to finally meet the real you.” 

“Yeah?” O asks, trying their best to hide the utter unsureness in their voice. 

“Yeah.”

“Thanks.” O’s cheeks ignite as their hand wanders up to the back of their head, rubbing the soft pelt of stubble up and down. It’s oddly comforting like an invisible reassurance that they do in fact exist. 

“You’ve gotta let everyone else see you too.” 

“But…”

“No buts… And no more hiding.” 

“I can’t… I…”

“Yes, you can.”

“But what if they don’t… If they don’t accept it?”

“It’s not about them, O,” Raven says doubling down the intensity radiating from her eyes. “It’s about you.”

[sian22redux]

My heart is a memory

The triggers are a chain. Forged and honed and tempered with dark intent: to bind a soldier, hold a weapon, keep back another man.

How else can one remove them except by breaking links? 

-----------------------------------------------------------  

Characters; Bucky, Steve, Wanda, T’challa

Rating: T for reference to past torture and abuse

Tags:  Hurt/comfort,  defense mechanisms, split personality, enduring bonds, childhood memories 

Chapter 1:  A thaw...   tagging folks from previous fics so if you want on or off just message me!!  

--------------------------------------------

Behind us are memories, Beside us are friends, Before us are dreams

This was nothing like the times before.  

For the Soldier coming up from a freeze had always been a living nightmare. The first terrifying moments of disorientation. The growing snowstorm of returning thoughts. The what, where, how, and who-replayed in an endless loop of old jerky movietime, fast like the thudding of his heart.   The reel would wind and rewind, stop and stutter until the slow trickle of awareness seeped into parts of his brain that had not been wiped.  

Then would come the pain.  The burn and sting of sensation returning to frozen nerves. The bite of none too gently pulled ports and caths.  Lingering electric jerks and bursts of muscles contracted and not released and the ever present ache of a shoulder taxed forever by its load.  

After weeks (months? years? eons?) without sound the process was always insanely loud.  An ominous clanking and metallic whir played bass below the high pitched whine of pumps and servo motors.  The staccato of his teeth chattered in the blood fouled plastic of the guard.  Orders barked loud and short and sharp as the crack of any rifle.  

And underneath: softer and yet more sinister, slow footsteps and a hated litany of words.    

Добро пожаловать обратно , солдат.   Вы готовы начать? *

This time it was just a single word.

“Buck.”  

He opens his eyes.  

The microphone that lets him talk to the doctors and technicians filters in an almost excited quiet;  reverent, hovering; lingering below the steady hum of pumps as the fog of sublimation is whisked away.  

He blinks.  There are fingers splayed on the chamber glass. The room is dimmed to protect his eyes but he can still see quite plainly.  White walls and benches reflect a gentle glow--starlight from the soft jungle night and a bank of blinking monitors.  

And a smile of sunshine beams and puppy eagerness to break through the fog.  

Said I’d be here, say cobalt eyes to his anxious own and he wants to say he knows, he knows, but still it is hard to put aside a lifetime of experience.   Unthawing had never pleasant until now.  

The hatch slides down, sure hands undo the straps and he is carried, very gently, to a bed.  No one moves quickly.  No one speaks loudly. There are just quiet questions and murmurs of reassurance.  

As he is laid down, wonder of wonders, warmed blankets are draped across his shakiness and for a moment his brain is so confused.  This is not normal.  Must be some sort of ploy: ease and a simulacra of caring to break him down, to make him putty before the whip lash of correction, and he tenses. Starts to frantically push the soft bait away but then another odd thing occurs.  

A note.  Singing. The placid technician is singing a low, sweet, swaying tune in ancient words that he does not understand.  Her hands pull up the blanket back up and set it against his cheek and reluctantly he relaxes.  Wakanda.  I am in Wakanda.  He nuzzles in the warmth and kindness. You’re allowed this Bucky, he thinks, and it is a revelation.  

There is a sudden brief blip of concern as one warning chime sounds, and then another.  His pulse shoots for the moon (no..no..no chair, no clamps!) and then muscle memory he cannot help makes him hold his breath, setting a third and louder warning off.  A forest of frowns turn toward a holoscreen just above his head but vanish quickly.  His shaking fingers have thrown off the pulse-ox sensor and the system hilariously thinks he’s failing.   

“Apologies, Sergeant,” murmurs the white-clad, bespectacled nurse at his elbow smoothly laying a reassuring hand upon his arm and adjusting the little clip.  Apology? What for?  He set the warning off and now he wants to laugh, say it’s ok:  it is his body being difficult after all, but at first all he can manage is a garbled scratchy cough.  

“Wait just a moment.”  He does as ordered.  Floats, lets words and readings and fussing swirl around while an ice chip soothes his throat.  “Better?” He nods, still amazed there is no pain. The intravenous drips something that sets a scent of almond in his throat and blunts the static building in his limbs.    

Soon enough, blond and blue, a beacon amongst the white and dark, steps near.  

“Hey…”  

“Hey.”   His own voice is thin, but a recognizable facsimile and not hoarse from endless screaming before the freeze.  Steve has raised his massive palm and he, too, wants to clasp it: for the warmth and sense of anchoring, but his hand is busy with an iv port.  For a moment he forgets the left is gone and tries to engage a soft metal grasp.

It succeeds in only shifting his neck and shoulder up.  

What the..?  But a flash of red and gold and deep regret floods back and he closes his eyes,  lays back against white cotton.  It smells new and right: like the sun-warmed, breezy freshness of Ma’s laundry on the line.   “When is it?”  

“Nine.”   Steve answers, wrapping fingers ever so gently around his one index finger, then grinning wry and sassy.  “Night, but early enough.  Last call is hours away yet.”  

He doesn’t have the energy to swat.  Withering eyebrows will have to do.  “Not that.  What month is it?”  

“November.  Thanksgiving’s coming soon.”  

November.  Wakandan spring had just begun when they had landed.  The highlands had been wreathed in mist and the air at night still cool.

They have unthawed him….  early.  

A slow smile spreads across his now pinker cheeks..  

It must mean that Stevie has found a plan.  

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Translation:  Welcome back, soldier. Are you ready to start? 

Tags

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[zoemurph]

to have a friend, chapter six: $136

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

i was gonna hold back on posting this but im impatient. if you thought this was going to be subtle in any way you should know ive never been subtle a day in my life. please read the end notes chill thank you

warnings: depression, suicidal thoughts, small mention of blood (in the past)

enjoy!!

Connor has made a lot of mistakes in his life. Sure, everyone does, but most people aren’t as giant fuck ups as Connor is.

Right now, at the very top of his ‘what the fuck were you thinking’ list, is letting Evan Hansen fall asleep on him.

He wouldn’t have pushed Evan off of him or anything like that, he’s not a monster, but god. He regrets letting Evan stay like that for almost three hours. Curled up against him and breathing gently and looking all calm and at peace while he slept. His hair had been ridiculously soft and he smelt like pine and— 

Connor covers his face with his hands.

Evan fell asleep on his shoulder almost two weeks ago and it’s literally occupied so many of Connor’s thoughts that he’s going to scream.

The universe is really fucking cruel. Of course he’d develop a painful crush on the guy that he’s paying to pretend to be his friend. Hilarious.

He’s been trying to keep it subtle. Under wraps. Don’t smile too much at Evan. Don’t laugh too much. Don’t touch him. At all. No physical contact at all whatsoever unless Evan initiates it first.

There has been a few times where Evan has looked up at Connor with a smile and Connor has actually thought he was about to combust. And then he had to go to AP Literature and pretend his heart wasn’t about to explode.

Alana Beck had given him a weird look when he walked into the room. He’d sat down and buried his face in his arms and pretended he was tired.

So yeah. Connor might have a minor crush on his fake best friend. No big deal. Shouldn’t be a big deal. He’s had crushes before and handled them fine. This shouldn’t be any different.

Except it is.

It’s different in every way. He starts every day at Evan’s locker. He eats lunch with Evan if they have the same lunch hour. He smiles at Evan in the hallway and Evan waves at him with a grin that Connor pretends isn’t fake because it hurts less. He ends his day at Evan’s locker. On Wednesdays, they go to the computer lab and print out Evan’s letter for his therapist. They plan their hang outs softly in the hallways, because Larry could still be checking Connor’s messages, even though Connor changes his password every two weeks. Connor texts Evan about anything. Random things. Random facts he finds online that Evan replies to with his own random facts.

The difference is Evan.

Evan is so many things. It’s a never ending list that Connor keeps adding to mentally because he loves to torture himself. And it hurts, because he’s so many things that Connor will never actually have in his life. He’s not sure how long he can actually keep up this fake friends thing. Purely because of the money. He’s starting to run out of his own money and has been slipping money from his mom’s purse or Larry’s wallet whenever he gets the chance, but it’s still risky.

Not that Connor won’t risk it for another few hours with Evan.

It’s kind of pathetic. It’s definitely pathetic.

But has Connor ever been anything other than pathetic?

Connor stares at the ceiling. He couldn’t sleep. And now he’s awake. At four in the morning on a Monday. He’s awake at four in the morning thinking about a boy with a heart stopping smile and a dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose.

Connor doesn’t actually know if he’s ever been gayer than he is in this exact moment in time.

Eventually he just gets out of bed because what’s the fucking point of lying around. A tiny part of his mind thinks ‘hey you could do homework right now’. Connor laughs at that part of his brain and grabs a sketchbook off his desk.

He actually managed to clean up some of his room. Some of his clothes are now in drawers instead of covering his floor. But he has succeeded in finding a bunch of empty sketchbooks, from back when he thought he was going to be drawing a lot more then he ended up doing.

He might have run out of purple in his watercolor palette, but at least he has about six empty sketchbooks that he can fill with garbage.

Connor puts in his headphones and sits on the floor, leaning against the edge of his bed, and draws mindlessly. He sort of lets the music inspire him, but he also just draws whatever comes to mind. He vaguely remembers someone once saying that he should draw interactions between people in his sketchbook, so he makes an attempt to not just draw a bunch of busts facing three quarters to the left.

He finds a random highlighter under his desk. He stares at it for a second before uncapping it and randomly adding neon yellow wherever he feels like it. Because it’s his sketchbook and he can do whatever the fuck he wants.

He’s still drawing when Zoe appears in his doorway.

Connor pulls out an earbud and looks up at her. “What?”

“Was just going to wake you up,” she says flatly. “Guess I don’t have to. Get your ass down to breakfast. We have to leave early today. Band.”

Connor rolls his eyes and closes his sketchbook. He tosses it on his bed. Whatever.

—«·»—

“You okay?” Evan asks when he joins Connor at the locker.

Connor shrugs. “Tired.”

“Is that all?” Evan furrows his eyebrows and there’s a crease in his forehead and Connor looks away.

“Yeah.” He is tired. He can feel his sleep schedule falling out of place, and it’s not just Evan. That’s not a good sign because then he has to reset it and that’s fucking annoying. “Here,” he says, holding out a ten. “My half for the pizza.”

There’s a second before Evan takes it. “You know I can’t eat all that pizza by myself anyway.” Connor thinks he might be trying for a light tone, but it seems forced.

Of course it’s forced. They aren’t actually friends, Evan just puts up with Connor.

Connor clenches his jaw.

Maybe the first thing on his list of mistakes should be asking Evan Hansen to be his fake friend.

—«·»—

Connor leans against Evan’s locker as he waits. Weird how much of his life revolves around Evan now. He’ll decide if that’s healthy or not later.

“Sup, dude,” Jared says, walking up to Connor.

Connor nods to him. He’s too tired to deal with Jared, but he’ll do his best. But only for Evan.

“Seen the acorn?” Jared asks.

Connor tries not to grimace. “Not since lunch.”

“Hello.” Alana joins them by the locker. The small hallway is getting crowded. “Are you waiting for Evan?”

Jared and Connor exchange a glance.

“Yeah,” Jared says. “How’d you guess?”

“This is Evan’s locker,” Alana says.

“Oh.”

“Why are we waiting for Evan?” Zoe asks.

Connor rolls his eyes. Where did she come from? “There was no ‘we’ here. It was just me.” He shoots a glare to Jared.

Jared scoffs. “You can’t hog my best friend.”

Connor raises his eyebrow. “Best friend?”

“Am I not bringing you home then?” Zoe asks, crossing her arms. “Because I don’t have rehearsal and I’m not waiting.”

“I’m good,” Connor says. “I’ll figure something out.”

Zoe makes a face. “Okay. Have fun.”

Alana turns and watches Zoe vanish into the crowd of students. “Zoe does a lot.”

“So do you,” Connor points out. “Did you need Evan?” For some reason, he doesn’t want Alana or Jared here. He wants Evan by himself. Because he’s a selfish asshole.

Alan shifts uncomfortably. “Not necessarily. I just wanted to say hi.”

“Hi,” Evan says.

Connor turns to see Evan behind him. Alana lifts a hand to wave.

“S-sorry for making you wait,” Evan apologizes.

Connor steps aside to let Evan into his locker. “It’s fine,” he promises.

Evan glances to Jared. “Wh-what’s up?”

“Just checking in on my…bud.” Jared awkwardly punches Evan in the shoulder.

Evan stares at him. “I’ll tell my mom,” he says after a moment.

“Cool cool cool chill.” Jared runs a hand over his hair. “Nice.”

Connor squints at Jared. “Are you having a stroke?”

Jared flips him off.

“How— how are you?” Evan asks Alana. “We haven’t, um, really—”

“Talked?” Alana interrupts. She shrugs. “I’m alright. Yourself?”

Evan glances to Connor. “Okay. Did you— were you just saying hi?”

Alana rocks back on her heals. “I actually had a question about student council? Or two. Either way it should only be a minute of your time!”

Evan blinks. “S-student council?”

She nods. “If you don’t mind! I actually have to run to make a poster but if you want to talk tomorrow—”

“Talk now,” Jared says, butting in. “I’ve got you, girl, I’m a master at illegal photoshop.” He points his thumb at himself. “Tell me what you need and I can get it to you in like fifteen.”

Alana eyes Jared suspiciously. “Are you sure?”

Jared scoffs. “Am I sure? Do you even know me?”

“Yes.”

Evan bites his lower lip to hold back a smile and Connor has to look away before it makes him smile.

Jared scowls. “Seriously, I’ve got you. It’s not hard, it’s some fucking text and a clipart picture. I’m not busting out inDesign or anything. Chill, talk to Evan, meet me in the computer lab when you’re done.”

Alana looks at him for a long moment before she says, “Okay. I’m trusting you.” She pulls out a notebook and quickly writes down instructions. Connor watches her write in fascination. He doesn’t pay enough attention in literature to know her handwriting and it’s a lot less neat than he thought it’d be. There’s a dramatic tilt to it and the letters loop and blur together.

Alana tears the page from her notebook and hands it to Jared. “Do what you can while I talk to Evan,” she says seriously. “Don’t send anything to print until I okay it, besides, we need the vice principal’s signature before we can start hanging these up. Don’t make this harder for me.”

Jared rolls his eyes and folds up the paper. “I get it I get it. I’m not five. See you losers. And Alana. See you in a bit.” He shoots them finger guns before turning and walking down the hallway toward the computer lab.

Alana looks at Connor.

Connor looks back.

Evan looks at Connor.

Connor gets the message.

“See you later, Ev,” Connor says.

Evan gives him a small smile. “I’ll text you.”

Connor hums as he walks away, doing a little salute to Alana as he turns.

Now what the fuck to do? He doesn’t want to go home yet and he doesn’t have a heavy enough jacket to go to the playground. It’s the last week of October and Mother Nature decided a bit of ice was needed before Halloween. The temperature keeps dipping below freezing and it’s some bullshit.

He glances back over his shoulder to see Evan and Alana at the end of the hallway. Alana is gesturing as Evan nods along. Connor’s stomach twists and bitter thoughts start to cloud his mind, but he shoves them away and focuses on the boringly beige color of the lockers. One after another. Exactly the same.

He finds his feet bringing him toward the computer lab. Even though it’s Monday, not Wednesday. Even though Jared is there. For some reason, the computer lab is the most comforting place in this dump.

That’s fucking depressing.

Connor shoulders the door open. Maybe if he sticks around in here Evan will show up with Alana. Or something.

So much of his day should not be devoted to thinking about Evan Hansen, but here he is.

Jared is sitting at one of the computers, bag on the floor and feet up on the table. He has a browser and about thirty tabs open. He chews on a pen as he types.

Jared glances up at Connor. He lowers the pen. “The fuck do you want?”

“Bored.” Connor kicks one of the chairs that’s not pushed in. “Why do you care?”

“Bored without Evan to harass?” Jared mutters.

Connor furrows his eyebrows. “What the fuck did you just say?”

“What do you think you heard?” Jared asks. “Cause it’s probably exactly that.”

Connor scoffs. “Okay. Nice one, douchebag.”

“Oh, shit, name calling!” Jared spins away from the computer and glares at Connor. “Are we name calling now? Is that what we’re doing?”

“I’m not harassing, Evan.” Connor crosses his arms. “Can’t say the same for you.”

Jared rolls his eyes. “I’ve known the guy for like twelve years, I know what the fuck I’m doing.”

Connor grits his teeth and digs his fingers into his jacket. “Do you? Do you really?”

“What?!” Jared snaps, standing up. “Do you have something you want to fucking say to me?”

Connor laughs sharply. “I have a few fucking things to say to you.”

“Go for it, bro,” Jared throws his arms out, “no one’s going to stop you!”

“Do you really think Evan is your best friend?” Connor is surprised that those are the first words out of his mouth. They taste sour and feel like acid. His insides are being eaten up by vicious venom and he’s drowning in bitterly cold thoughts.

“I’ve known him since we were five,” Jared says.

“And I’ve known Zoe since she was fucking born,” Connor snaps. “And she would be happier if I were dead so I wouldn’t hold us up as a great example for friendship. That’s not good enough.”

“Okay, okay! You think you’re Evan’s best friend?” Jared counters. “Because that’s bullshit. That’s bullshit and we both fucking know it. Because I know what this is and it’s not friendship.”

It isn’t and that hurts more than anything Jared could ever say to Connor. More than anything anyone could say to him. More than things Zoe has yelled at him, more than what Larry has spit.

More than things Connor has told himself when everything was dark and there was no way out.

Because it’s so fucking easy to pretend. To pretend that this is real and tangible and not— not what it is. Fake. A lie. A fabrication. Something that could be torn apart at any moment. It’s been two months, but it’s nothing more than a web that Connor and Evan have crafted. Nothing actually ties them together.

Connor is still lost. And Connor is still alone.

He almost chokes on his words and their bitterness. “You can’t get mad at me when all you’ve done for years is be a shitty friend,” he hisses.

“At least I’m not paying him and pretending!” Jared practically yells.

Connor digs his nails into the palm of his hand and he is so glad he and Jared are on opposite sides of the room. He has so many things he wants to yell or scream and just eject into the universe.

None of them can make it to his throat.

“Oh fuck you,” he snaps, spinning on his heel and storming toward the door. He throws them open and stalks down the hall, trying to breathe and stop the spiraling.

Before the doors shut, he can hear Jared shout, “Fuck you!”

—«·»—

It’s bitterly cold outside and Connor can’t feel his hands.

He goes to the playground. He sits on the top of the jungle gym and stares at the overgrown field. He remembers when they played bad games of soccer and tripped on the ditches in the grass. He looks at the parking lot. Old and forgotten. Cracked and run down.

There’s the pothole where Zoe dripped and fell on her face. She bit her bottom lip when she fell and cut up her face and was bleeding everywhere. Connor had been called down to the nurse’s office while the school called their mom because Zoe was hysterical. The blood was actually kind of cool (Zoe would think so too later when she wasn’t in pain) but Connor sat next to Zoe and held her hand while she cried and the nurse cleaned up the blood.

Connor sighs and pulls his knees up to his chest.

The more time he spends here — the more time he spends here when he isn’t high — the harder it is to not think of the memories. To not think of times when things weren’t constantly garbage.

Like the sewer grate a few feet away from where Zoe fell. Everyone used to say there was an alligator living down there. Everyone would gather around it and throw rocks inside, any rocks that would fit, to feed the alligator. Because a rock eating alligator living in the sewers made sense to a group of first graders.

Everything makes more sense when you’re a first grader. You say you’re going to marry someone because your friend wants to marry them and then you get in a fight because you can’t both marry the same person and you spill juice all over the place and learn how to add numbers together using shitty timed math tests.

When Connor was a first grader his biggest problem was usually what his mom packed him for snacks.

Now it’s a game of ‘is today the day I just fucking jump off a bridge or what?’

Unfortunately, jumping off a jungle gym built for seven year olds probably won’t even break his arm.

And now he’s back to Evan.

Connor wants to laugh. Or scream. Or tear his hair out. He is nothing to Evan and somehow Evan is almost everything to him and that is as fucking pathetic as he can get.

Instead he just bites down on his wrist. It doesn’t even hurt through his jacket, but it’s something to do. Something other than just—

Screaming on an abandoned playground.

People don’t typically give a shit but also someone would probably call the cops.

Jared wasn’t right but he also wasn’t wrong. And Connor wants to violently rip out the part of himself that likes Evan Hansen. The part of him that turns to mush when Evan smiles like that. The part of him that keeps cycling back to Evan’s hair, Evan’s eyes, Evan’s freckles, Evan’s voice, Evan’s laugh— 

Connor wants to destroy the parts of himself that like Evan.

He would have to destroy all himself.

He bites down harder on his jacket and tries not to think. Thinking can only hurt more.

Evan gives Connor a worried look the next day. Connor meets him by his locker, just because it’s what they do. If it were up to him, he would be at home. Asleep. Or in the library. Asleep. Or reading. Or not…here. Not with Evan. With his polos and his smile and his hair and his eyes.

He got his cast off almost a week ago, but it’s still strange to see Evan with two bare arms. And for Evan to not have Connor’s name scribbled on him like some five year old got a hold of a Sharpie. Connor is both relieved and misses it.

It fucking sucks. But what doesn’t?

“You didn’t answer my texts last night,” Evan says slowly. “Everything okay?”

“Fine,” Connor grumbles. He lets his hair fall into his face because it means he has to see less of the world. And maybe it looks scarier or something. He wants to be left alone today. “Sorry, I fell asleep.”

He’s not lying. When his body was so cold that he thought he was going to be unable to move, he climbed down from the top of the jungle gym and walked home. The heat in the house made his skin tingle as he warmed up and his mom tried to talk to him but he just shook his head and went up to his room. He pushed everything but his comforter off his bed and went to sleep. He woke up around eleven, made a quesadilla in the microwave, ate it, watched YouTube for four hours, woke up, and stumbled into the car so Zoe could drive him to school.

It hadn’t really occurred to him to check his phone. Wasn’t like he had friends or anything.

Evan chews on his lip. “Okay,” he says softly. “Just like… Um, talk to me? If you need to?”

Connor meets Evan’s eyes and his heart leaps to his throat. Evan needs to stop…all of that. Especially the concerned look in his eyes, like he cares.

Evan is a good actor.

—«·»—

They have lunch hour together on Tuesdays. Usually Connor sits with Evan.

His head won’t stop spinning.

He hides in the back of the library and tries to do the assignment for literature. He reads the same paragraph four times before he buries his face in the pages. Hot tears prickle the corner of his eyes.

Fuck.

He should’ve skipped. He should’ve stayed home. He should’ve done anything else. Other than be here. This is bad, school is bad. The only thing worth it would be Evan, but he’s avoiding Evan because his mind is awful but his mind is right.

Alana gives him a worried look when he sits down in literature. Their class only has fourteen kids, but he still sits in the back in silence unless the teacher asks him specifically a question.

Today, Connor changes his seat.

He sits in the back corner. More isolated than usual. His head hurts, probably because he forced himself not to cry because he hates crying, and his brain keeps twisting into something darker and darker.

He looks up from his arms when a book is put down on the desk next to him.

Alana doesn’t say anything. She just puts her backpack down on the floor and spreads out her pens before she opens her notebook up.

Connor watches her write in her tilted looping letters for a moment before he puts his head back down.

—«·»—

Zoe has rehearsal. Connor walks home.

He doesn’t stop at Evan’s locker. He should. He really fucking should.

If anyone talks to him he’s going to snap. He’s going to break and yell and— he can’t.

He has a plan for when he gets home. Steal a loaf of bread from the kitchen. Maybe the butter. Go up to his room. Sit in bed and eat bread. Pass out. Wake up whenever. Eat. Go back to bed. School? Whatever.

His mom isn’t in the kitchen when he unlocks the door. Good. He grabs the least offensive loaf of bread from the cabinet and a random third of a stick of butter from the last time Cynthia baked and a butter knife from the drawer. He climbs the stairs silently and goes to his room and wishes that he had a door. He pulls out his laptop and opens a random YouTube video and lets it fade into background noise as he eats bread.

Fucking life.

He’s on his third slice when the doorbell rings. Connor looks down at his bed and accepts his fate of a lifetime of crumb filled sheets. The doorbell rings again.

“Mom?” he shouts.

There’s no response and the doorbell rings again.

“We fucking get it,” Connor mutters. He puts down the knife on his desk and climbs out of bed. He takes his time getting to the front door, hoping whoever is there will just go the fuck away. He frowns when he sees Zoe in the window. She meets his eye and flips him off.

“What did you forget your keys?” Connor asks as he opens the door.

“No, dumbass, but you forgot your friend.” Zoe jerks her thumb over her shoulder toward her car. Evan is standing by the passenger side door. “Nice going, dipshit,” she mutters shouldering him roughly as she passes him to get into the house.

Connor glances over his shoulder at her before looking back to Evan.

Evan is just staring at him. He doesn’t look like he’s going to move any time soon.

Conor sighs and runs a hand through his hair. Okay. Okay.

He pulls on his shoes and shouts to Zoe that he’s leaving the door open. She just sort of yells back at him and he figures that’s enough. Then he steps outside and walks toward Evan and, probably, death.

“What’s wrong?” Evan says as soon as Connor gets close.

“Nothing is wrong,” Connor says.

Evan scowls. “I— Come on, I know you better than that by now. We’re— We’ve…” He shakes his head. “I-I thought about it. A lot. I was worried I did something wrong. I went through everything I’ve done in the past two days— the past week. A-and I had nothing. You’ve been acting— Alana came to me asking how you were because of something that happened in lit so just…” He glares at Connor. Connor’s been trying so hard to not think about his eyes. “I told you to talk to me.”

“You aren’t my therapist, Ev,” Connor mutters. “You don’t need to hear this shit.”

“I’ll tell you if I can’t handle it,” Evan says with more confidence behind his words than Connor thinks he’s heard before. “But I told you to talk to me and you— you’re just isolating yourself. That’s not going to help.”

Connor tugs a hand through his hair. “Seriously it’s just— it happens sometimes. It’s not a big deal we don’t have to make into one.”

Evan crosses his arms. “Okay. Fine. If something is wrong, just tell me that. Tell me things are shitty. That’s all you have to say, because I get it. Tell me when you aren’t okay, don’t just be a dick.”

That’s a hell of a promise to make but… “Okay.”

Evan nods and pulls his backpack on. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I just… Figured we should talk than sooner than later.”

Connor looks from the car to Evan. “Do you…need a ride home?”

“I can walk,” Evan says. “I have sch-scholarship essays waiting at home for me. I’m not in a rush.”

“You wouldn’t be bothering Zoe,” Connor says softly. “I’ll take you.”

“I thought…” Evan trails off.

“I know where my license is. Larry isn’t as good at hiding things as he thinks.” Connor turns back to the house. “Stay here, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Connor ducks back inside the house. “Zoe I’m stealing the car!” he shouts, grabbing her keys from the bowl by the door.

“What?!”

He goes back to Larry’s office and digs through the files in the bottom desk drawer until he pulls his license from a manila folder.

Zoe stands at the front door with her arms crossed over her chest. “What are you doing?”

“I’m driving Evan home.” Connor tries to push past her, but Zoe pushes right back.

“You aren’t allowed to drive.”

Connor holds up his license. “Get fucked.”

She narrows her eyes at him. “Did you break into Dad’s office?”

“There was no breaking and I live in this house, so move and let me take Evan home.” Zoe stands her ground. “I’m not high, Zo. And I know how to fucking drive. It’ll be fifteen minutes, the world won’t end.”

Zoe closes her eyes. “I… Just pay attention. Be safe. Don’t crash or anything.”

“Yeah yeah I’ll protect the car,” Connor mutters. “Stop being Mom.”

Zoe grimaces. “Okay. Drive him home. Whatever.” She steps to the side. “Not my fault if Dad grounds you for life.”

“Who cares.” Connor closes the front door on her. Evan looks up from his phone as the door slams shut. Connor holds up the keys. “Get in.”

“When was the last time you drove?” Evan asks, climbing into the passenger seat.

“God it’s been months.” Connor opens the door. He’s going to have to adjust the seat and mirrors and that’s going to piss Zoe off big time. “It’s probably like riding a bike or something.”

Evan nods slowly. “Okay… I think that’s reassuring?”

Connor rolls his eyes as he moves back the seat. “I’m not going to crash.”

“I didn’t think you would,” Evan says honestly as Connor buckles in and starts the car. “The biggest thing I’m worried about is you hitting a curb or forgetting the turn signal.”

“Fuck turn signals.” Connor flicks the turn signal down before he turns right out of the driveway. “Shit.”  

Evan laughs.

Unlike Zoe, Connor doesn’t always listen to music when he drives. He’s perfectly fine driving in silence, even though it makes her want to scream. She hated it when he drove in silence, making it a point to always have headphones on her in case he had a day where he wanted to drive without music on.

It gives Connor time to think. Sometimes that’s harder with music on.

As they sit in almost weirdly comfortable silence, Connor glances at Evan out of the corner of his eyes. Evan is playing with the hem of his shirt and staring ahead at nothing.

Connor sighs. “I’m sorry. For today. And yesterday.”

Evan glances over to him. “…thank you. It’s…okay. I just want to know if you’re okay.”

For some reason it’s hard to swallow. Connor clears his throat. “So did you bribe Zoe into giving you a ride?”

“I-I stayed after for a little bit to talk to Alana,” Evan murmurs. “And then we passed the band room and I saw Zoe, s-so I thought…” He shrugs. “She might’ve thought it was weird but she was fine with it.”

“She wasn’t too much of an ass, right?”

“What do you mean?”

Connor adjusts his grip on the steering wheel. “You know… She didn’t ask too many questions or anything?”   

Evan shifts uncomfortably. “I-I mean… She was— it was fine.”

Connor decides he’ll interrogate Zoe later. “Cool. How’s Alana?”

“Very busy,” Evan says seriously. “More student council stuff.”

“She trying to recruit you?”

“Uh…not exactly.” Connor raises his eyebrows as Evan worries his bottom lip. “She had an idea for a club she wants to start next semester and uh…wants my help with it.”

“You?” Evan winces. “Shit, no, I didn’t mean it that way,” Connor backtracks. “I just…you don’t do many extracurriculars or anything so it’s a surprise. Does she want  you on the board or something?”

“Yes.” Evan coughs. “She… Yeah it’s, um, I-I don’t know if I’ll do it yet but I… Helping her start it up? I can do that. That doesn’t require much so I’m…okay with that.”

Connor nods. “Cool. I hope it’s…fun.” He ignores the twisting in his gut.   

“Did Alana talk to you?” Evan asks suddenly.

Connor glances to him before looking back to the road. “No? Why?”

“Oh she just…” Evan gestures with one of his hands. “At the beginning of the school year we were talking about something and she wanted to talk to you about something and she said she was going to— I mean she had a question for you and I told her that maybe it wasn’t the best idea and, well I mean, she said she was going to ask you anyway so I just wasn’t sure if she ever did or…”

“She didn’t,” Connor says slowly. “What was the question?” He remembers Alana asking him all sorts of questions when he came back to school after his attempt. He also remembers ignoring them. He’s pretty sure there were a few times when he just walked away.

Evan goes quiet. Connor stops at a stop sign and looks both ways, pausing for longer than he usually would because drivers on this road don’t give a fuck.

“She wanted you to tell the student body your story,” Evan blurts out.

Connor is really glad they’re at a stop sign. “What?!”

Evan pulls on the collar of his shirt. “She— Um, she asked if you would be, or if I might be interested in um— Because of the stigma around mental health and suicide that maybe it would— I told her no.”

Connor closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Thank you,” he says after a moment. He opens his eyes and looks to Evan. “Seriously. I don’t… No one else needs to know that shit. My story— no one wants to hear that shit.”

“I think that was her point,” Evan says softly.

Connor meets his eyes for a second and then looks back to the road, pressing the gas. “Not my story,” he repeats. “I don’t want or need that kind of attention.”

“I know.” Evan sighs. “I was really worried that she— Alana can be, um…persistent.”

“Tell me about it,” Connor mutters. He turns into Evan’s driveway. “Here you go, Hansen.”

Evan gives him a weak smile and unbuckles his seatbelt. “Thanks. I’ll text you.”

“I’ll text you back,” Connor promises.

Evan lights up and Connor shoves his heart back into the darkness of his chest.

From: dickbag To: assface      we have to talk

From: assface To: dickbag      fuc k u

Connor rolls his eyes. He can’t even believe he’s trying but he is and Jared is being Jared.

From: dickbag To: assface      right back at you      but seriously. today

He leans against Evan’s locker, flipping his phone over in his hands as he waits for a response. He might not give a shit about Jared, but for some reason Evan does, so he’s going to try to fix this. Because that’s what a good person would do.

Connor’s lived too much of his life in the gray zone. Gray thoughts, gray clothing, gray morality— he can do one nice thing if it’ll make Evan happier.

From: assface To: dickbag      y should i

From: dickbag To: assface      evan

From: assface To: dickbag      fuck off      where??

Connor rolls his eyes.

“Hi,” Evan says, arms full of textbooks. “Band?”

Connor nods. “Yeah. Something about an audition or something? I don’t know, she wanted time in the practice rooms and I don’t have a say in anything.”

Evan gives him a crooked smile. “I don’t think being here a little early is too bad.”

Connor looks back down at his phone with a shrug.

From: dickbag To: assface      computer lab      evan will be there for a little bit we can talk after he leaves

From: assface To: dickbage      fine      but still fuk u

Connor really should’ve just blocked Jared’s number as soon as he got it.

—«·»—

“Jared!” Evan says in surprise when him and Connor walk into the computer lab. “W-what are you doing here?”

Jared looks up from the computer. “StuCo stuff for Lana. I guess this morning the council decided to change some of the info on the posters so,” he gestures to the screen, “here the fuck I am.”

“Doesn’t Alana have people for that?” Connor asks as Evan pulls out his laptop.

“Her people don’t do shit. Does this picture look bad?”

Connor squints at the screen. “It looks like bad clipart.”

“Perfect.” Jared saves the document.

“Sent,” Evan says. He shuts his laptop. “I’ll be right back.”

Connor nods to him.

Jared coughs awkwardly as Evan leaves for the printers.

When Evan comes back with his letter in his hands, he glances between Jared and Connor. “Everything…okay?”

“Super chill,” Jared confirms, clicking randomly on the poster.

“Jared is shit at choosing fonts,” Connor says.

Jared flips Connor off and Evan smiles. Win.

“I have to go,” Evan says, putting away his laptop and pulling on his backpack. “My, um, my mom is actually bringing me today so?” He gestures over his shoulder. “Yeah. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Whatever,” Jared says.

Connor glares at him before saying, “Yeah sure. I’ll text you.”

Evan bounces on his toes before he leaves the room.

Connor turns to Jared with a raised eyebrow. “Fucking smooth.”

Jared keeps his eyes on the screen. “Uh huh.”

“You’re a giant asshole, you know that, right?”

Jared pushes his glasses up his nose. “So are you.” He closes his illegal photoshop and spins to face Connor. “Here we are. Two assholes in a computer lab.”

They stare at each other for a long minute.

“You told me to be here,” Jared points out.

“Fuck, you’re right,” Connor mutters. “Okay. I’m..sorry.” Jared whistles. “Shut the fuck up. I’m not sorry I called you a dick because you are a dick. And you’re a bad friend. Like a really shitty one. But I’ll apologize for yelling.”  

“That was a horrible apology,” Jared muses. “But fine. I’m sorry I said you were harassing Evan. But I still think what you’re doing is fucking…bad? I don’t know it feels bad. It’s a bad plan.”

“You told us that and still helped.”  

Jared spins in the chair before standing up. “Okay, yeah. I did. But honestly I didn’t think either of you would get invested and—”

“What do you mean?” Connor interrupts.

Jared searches his face. “You know…?”

“No?”

He sighs. “I thought this shit would last like a week, okay? And now we’re getting into more long term usage instead of the eight days I had assumed.” He pauses. “You’re using him.”

“Yeah and you pretend to use him.” Connor crosses his arms. “Are we really so fucking different?”

Jared runs his hand through his hair. “Just two guys, being dicks to Evan Hansen. We should probably be better about that, huh?”

“Probably.” Connor holds out his hand to Jared. “Truce?”

Jared raises an eyebrow. “Not friends?” he asks as he shakes Connor’s hand. “Okay. Truce.”

[buffalostorm]

Fanfic

a text exchange is implied between the Havenfall crew and I decided to write it

Set in Mackenzie’s route

occurs somewhere during Season 2 Episode 7, in the time gap between the two

MacMommy has come online

JuniorLucifer69 is online

MM: JD

MM: Can we talk

MM: Im not accusing you of anything

MM: JD you arent in trouble or anything

JL: sherif

MM: Im texting as Mac right now

JL: cul i like mac beter

JL: since ur mac can this wait for a sec im in the midle of sum stuf

MM: Does the bowling alley have some customers

JL: nah

JL: its crime stuf

MM: what

MM: JD

MM: Im the Sheriff now

MM: JD I will call Razi right now

JL: jk wat up

MM: Are you doing crimes

JL: not unles eatin froot loops is a crime

MM: its 9 PM

MM: and arent you at the bowling alley?

JL: yeh an i wanted froot loops

JL: i knew i would want froot loops so i took some froot loops in a plastic bag

JL: who made u the sherif of fud time

MM: weve gotten off track

JL: never knew what the trac was

MM: I wanted to ask for advice

JL: im literaly the person with their life the least put together

JL: the only thing im qualified to give advice about is precisely how much shit u can do and not get actualy punished for

MM: How about dating

MM: like asking someone out

JL: y do u need advice

JL: u 2 made out in front of the entire town

JL: not much of a feat

JL: the in front of the entire town part

JL: the making out was a biger thing

MM: Weve done more than that

JL: u 2 are together right

MM: We are together yeah

MM: We havent been on a proper date yet though

JL: havent u asked some1 out before

JL: wait

JL: uve done more than that

MM: I shouldnt have said that

JL: did u 2 do it

JL: DID YOU TWO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS

MM: …

JL: WHATS THAT SUPOSED TO MEAN

JL: YOU CANT JUST DOT DOT DOT ME MAC

MM: Im just here for advice I dont need anything else

JL: OK but whether or not u 2 have screwed does change my answer

MM: I dont see how that has anything to do with it

JL: it absolutely does

MM: Im not answering that

JL: cool so u 2 absolutely did do it

MM: JD

JL: nah its cool im happy for u and all but le

MM: JD

MM: Are you there.

MM: JD you need to finish that sentence

JL: This is Razi. JD was texting on the job and they tell me I’m texting Sheriff Hunt.

MM: yeah this is Mac

JL: If I may ask, what did JD do?

MM: Nothing this is an informal conversation

JL: JD is telling me to scroll up.

MM: Please dont

MM: Razi

MM: Razi

MM: Razi you better be typing a very long message because I dont like this one bit

JL: jd back on the mic

MM: What happened

JL:  razi read through the rest of the conversation and started crying from laughter

JL: i swiped my phone back

MM: Do u remember when things like this stayed private

JL: pepperridge farm remembers

MM: Good times

JL: update razi is still laughing

JL: he has done the dad thing where he chuckles and shakes his head

JL: he mumbled something

MM: I dont need the play by play

JL: im more of a color commentator

MM: Can you bring him back in

MM: I could use the help

JL: ill help him get on

MM: Ill be waiting

JL: hes almost on

JL: hes trying to compose himself

MM: Does he need any help

JL: still trying to compose himself

JL: he has stopped giggling and put on a Serious Face

Guest42251413 has come online

Guest: Hello, this is Razi.

JL: henwo

MM: Welcome Razi

Guest: Why do you guys have initials and I don’t?

JL: u have to register

Guest: OK, how do I do that?

MM: JD can you help him

Guest 42251413 has registered as Razi420

MM: Did you choose the name

Razi420: JD helped me. I tried to register as Razi, but the system said, “Username taken,” so I tried Razi1 at the behest of JD. That too was taken, so then JD informed me that Razi420 was open so I took it.

Razi420: Wait, I don’t have initials.

MM: JD can you help him

JL: i dont know its just so difficult

JL: itll take 10 hours

JL: i remember when i changed my intials i had to fill out all sorts of forms

JL: it was such a hassle

JL: and you wouldnt make little old me go through that again.

MM: OK you dont have to help Razi

Razi420: I guess that an old man like me wouldn’t understand it.

JL: ill get diego on the line 2

Razi420: You know computers are so hard for people like me

JL: mac how much experience do you have with dating

MM: I havent asked anyone out in my life

JL: not even for a sadie hawkins

Razi420: The other day I learned about emojis.

MM: I went to a small high school no one else was out

JL: so is it a confidence thing or a what do i say sort of thing or whats a good thing to do kind of thing or what

DrEscalonaMDPHDBS has come online

Razi420: See, Diego knows what it’s like, you don’t know how to do anything, you don’t know the lingo, you don’t know how to get initials for your messages.

DE: What?

DE: What did you guys need me for?

JL: i just heard razi sigh from the arcade

DE: So what was going on around here.

MM: I need some advice

DE: mhm, and what for?

MM: Asking someone out

DE: You two are definitely together, is that correct? I remember you two sharing a ,ah, intimate moment together.

JL: theyve “done more than that”

MM: JD dont you dare

DE: I’m going to need you to be more specific, JD.

MM: You better not

MM: JD I swear on my mothers hashbrown casserole if you dare say a word that is off task I will smash your stupid John Lennon sunglasses on the ground

Razi420: Part 1: I’ve tasted that casserole, this is very serious. Part 2: I will not say a word about that. I will hold that as a secret to be divulged at your discretion.

MM: Thank you Razi

DE: All of that aside, this is a date between you and our friend.

MM: Yes

DE: Just making certain everything is clear.

Razi420: In addition, Mackenzie has never asked anyone out on a date.

MM: Most of my past relationships we just kinda ended up in the same place

DE: Coworkers?

MM: Yeah basically

DE: My experience may seem a little old and not suit your personal flair, but I will offer my advice

JL: THEY HAVE MOST DEFINITELY HAD SEX. THEY HAVE DEFINITELY DONE THE DIRTY. MACKENZIE AND MY LOVELY COWORKER HAVE IN FACT HAD A ROLL IN THE HAY.

MM: Are you done?

JL: not yet

JL: macken-ZAY has gotten biz-ZAY

JL: They have shagged, baby

JL: ok im done

DE: I see

MM: I want merely two things in the world

JL: is one of those a piece of that ass

MM: I just want to take my girlfriend out on a nice date

JL: im a prophet

MM: And a device where I can punch JD in the face whenever I want

MM: not too hard

MM: not hard enough to cause damage

MM: but hard enough to make them stop

MM: Is that too much to ask

JL: yknow not wanting to damage me is probably the sweetest thing u ever said to me

JL: also mac you can break my “john lennon sunglasses” i have 50 backup pairs.

MM: Just please tell me how to ask out a girl

DE: When you say date, do you mean “let’s go out to lunch on Friday,” or “Come follow me, I have a surprise for you.”

MM: The surprise one

DE: Is the surprise time bound or can the surprise come at any time?

MM: Its time bound

DE: How much planning went into this?

MM: A lot

DE: Please be specific

MM: I rented out the drive in theater for an exclusive showing

DE: That’s extensive.

DE: Are you certain she doesn’t have any commitments?

MM: …

MM: no

JL: doc were in havenfall the only other possible commitments u can have is harvesting corn or very specifics times for rituals

JL: those r the only 2

DE: Still, for future reference, it is polite to make certain there are no other commitments.

MM: OK

DE: So, the basic message is, come with me to the movies.

MM: Id like it to be a surprise but yeah

DE: mhm

JL: ok so for a surprise you gotta give enough to peak their interest

Razi420: pique

JL: idea lee u keep them guessing until u finally get to the location of the surprise

Razi420: ideally

JL: if u wanna go the extra mile leave a red earring  so they think ur gonna go someplace else

Razi420: red herring

JL: plant a piece of evy dance that suggests a bar crawl instead of a camping trip or whatever but be careful

Razi420: evidence

JL: u dont want to accidentally pull a bateman switch

Razi420: bait and switch

JL: no im pretty sure its bateman switch

Razi420: bait and switch

JL: its like when ur watching an episode of arrested development and then u realize that the entire time jason bateman was just a cgi clone and not the real jason bateman and then ur just like aaaaaaahhh man i wanted to see jason bateman and now i get this

JL: thats a bateman switch

Razi420: That doesn’t happen.

DE: That seems rather con fluted.

Razi420: convoluted

JL: so if ur seeing a drivein movie ur bringing blankets and other stuff right

MM: yeah blankets pillows and popcorn

JL: so thats pretty obvious

DE: It’s been so strange to see popcorn grow as a foodstuff.

JL: doc please dont weve wasted enough time as it is

Razi420: I’ve seen it too, it’s very strange how we’ve all decided it is only for movies and baseball.

JL: dont start this old man

Razi420: I remember when growing popcorn was the livelihood of some people.

JL: razi i will go over to the jukebox and play neil young right now if u dont stop

MM: JD youre wasting time yourself now

JL: right right

JL: so u arent going to be able to trick her into thinking u 2 are going somewhere else but

JL: but

MM: JD Ive never asked anyone out before Im not ready for advanced tactics here

JL: ok fine but never say where ur going

JL: keep it a mystery

JL: the idea is shes concerned with the mystery and when she solves it shes all like booyah and it makes the date better. so u gotta make sure shes gonna solve that mystery

JL: whats new scooby doo and all that

MM: and if she guesses the mystery

JL: just be noncommittal if she guesses right

JL: give a flat no to any incorrect answer and then give a maybe or an i dont know if she guesses right

JL: the maybe and the i dont know are in That tone of voice

MM: yeah I know That tone of voice

Razi420: I don’t mean to jinx it but I think this is the longest JD has a gone without making a joke.

DE: Wait, Razi, you, as a djinn, believe in jinxes?

JL: u might want to text her because if u build up the anticipation the payoff will be greater.

MM: JD I shouldnt text her I dont like personal conversations not in person

Razi420: Jinxes are a legitimate concept. I have plenty of data to back it up.

MM: but Im not even sure how to even start the conversation and get it leading up to asking her out

JL: mac ill let u in on a secret

JL: being smooth is 70% luck

JL: u gotta have quick thinking and all that

JL: but sometimes the right opportunity doesnt present itself and then u just gotta have an awkward transition

DE: Razi, jinxes are just coincidental, you point out something because it’s rare or you assume an unlikely outcome will happen, and when it falls through. You just say, “Oh, I jinxed it.”

JL: so mac, be ready to just go out and say would u like to go out on a date tonight

JL: i know that its not like that in the movies but thats closer to real life

MM: I cant work with “just do it” my brain doesnt like it

JL: u just gotta lean on ur natural charms

JL: ur going to feel really nervous so just lean into it

JL: be cute nervous

JL: she will love u cute nervous, mac

Razi420: Jinxes are like reverse wishes, someone says something and then the opposite effect occurs. The same powers are at work, but the etiquette of wish making isn’t followed, so the reverse effect occurs.

MM: I guess Im just worried she’ll say no

JL: shes not going to say no

JL: like i said theres nothing to do in this town

JL: but more importantly

DE: Mac, if all else fails I will help you out in anyway I can, you have my word. 

MM: Thanks Diego

JL: but more importantly you two love each other. shes going to be glad to talk to u no matter the outcome

DE:  And, Razi, when you grant a wish it tires you out, right? It drains some of your power.

Razi420: Yes, it does drain some of my power, but what does it have to do with jinxes?

JL: mac just remember that its going to go a whole lot better than you think it is going to go

JL: brains are just like that

JL: they tell u everythings gonna suck but surprise it rules

DE: The point that I’m getting at is that for a jinx to work, someone has to spend some power, so where does it come from, does it come from the wood that you must knock upon?

Razi420: …

Razi420: JD, you’ve been quite unlike yourself.

DE: No.

MM: I appreciate it JD

DE: Razi, you’re not getting away with it that easily.

MM: If Im being honest I expected to have to work hard to get info from you

DE: Razi, you can’t just deflect like that.

JL: im surprised that we didnt start a whole tangent on arrested development or something dumb

Razi420: Jinxes are caused by the stars, OK.

MM: you mean a tangent that everyone is involved in

DE: THats ridcuuloos

DE: *That’s ridiculous

JL: yeah

JL: but seriously

JL: I’m going to use grammatically correct sentences to express how much sincerity I have.

Razi420: I’m a djinn who’s friends with a vampire, a devil, and a werewolf who happens to be the sheriff of a town. We are not good judges of ridiculous.

JL: I just want you two to have a good time. You are coming to us for advice and I know that’s hard for you. You are making yourself vulnerable. I’m really proud of you.

MM: ... 

MM: Thanks

MM: It means a lot to me

DE: Why does JD get to be the one to say they’re proud of you?

DE: Shouldn’t that be for the person with seniority here.

JL: thats where ur wrong bucko

JL: the question here is one of gayness

JL: i am more dimensions of gay than u can possibly imagine

JL: thus i am the one whomst is allowed to delegate pride

DE: Also Razi, if it is stars, how does knocking on wood do shit.

JL: oh dam

MM: Now we know what gets Diego worked up enough to swear

Razi420: Photosynthesis uses light from stars, photosynthesis makes wood. Wood is directly related to starlight.

MM: But anyway thanks for the advice

DE: And here is the part where JD asks for a favor.

DE: Any minute now

DE: Also Razi, that is so patently ridiculous that I’m not going to debate about it anymore.

JL: Mac, you don’t owe me anything, just you two have a good time. If you two are happy, then I’m happy. That’s all..

JL: Also, if you claim I was helpful in anyway, shape, or form, I will deny it immediately.

MM: I expect nothing less

JL: i got a wild child image to keep up cant have this sincerity bullshit

JL: cool people dont have feelings right

JL: we just have leather jackets cool shades and smirks plastered on our faces

Razi420: Diego, if you refuse to debate about it, that means I win.

DE: iifwood is sending these tsingnals that means the signals would have to ravel fsaster than light to reach the starts and back with enough time to actually effet change

Razi420: Oooo, someone’s misspelling words, that means they’re angry.

JL: since everyone is here i think this is a good opportunity to do something ive always wanted to do

DE: The nearest star is over 4 light years away, how does it affect change on Earth.

JL: they use waves made of bofa rather than light

MM: JD

DE: You can’t get me, JD.

DE: I know this.

Razi420: what is bofa?

Several people are typing…

[i-just-love-writing-crap]

Catching Murphy, Part 2

Warnings: Swearing, possible nsfw content Word Count: About 2219 Summary: You, Miss (y/n) (y/l/n), had a crush on Connor Murphy for years, from a distance of course. You had always been too shy to approach him, and the fact around school that he was an aggressive stoner caused you to become even more shy. One day, in history class, your teacher decided to assign a project and assigned everyone a partner—you and Connor were partnered together. Could you two grow close during the project and remain close? Or will Connor go back to ignoring you after the project comes to a close? A/N: I apologize if Connor is a biiiiit OOC… ;-; Obviously takes place in an AU where Connor is alive Masterlist Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11

When you arrived at the Murphy residence, your breath immediately left your lungs. You had never thought you could have ever gotten this far. And never had you thought that your love of Ancient Egyptian history would get the guy you had crushed on for years to notice you. Just this whole situation was incredibly weird—first Mr. Boulden partnered you and Connor up, then you are being brought over to Connor’s house. Not to mention Connor had, before you apparently interested him, told you he wouldn’t let you go to his house. You were lost in thought and you didn’t hear Connor calling your name from next to you.

“…ello!? FUCKING HELLO!!” Connor screamed into your ear.

Immediately, you covered your ears and answered, “Ouch! My fucking ears! WHAT, Connor?! WHAT IS IT!!?”

“Get the fuck out of my car, we’re at my house.”

“Fine. You had to scream in my ear, why?” you asked as you got out of his truck.

Crossing his arms, he answered, “Because you didn’t fucking answer me when I said it the first ten damn times.”

You huffed and retorted, “You could’ve done anything that wasn’t screaming in my ear, Connor.”

“Are you going to sit in my truck in the heat or do you wanna come the fuck inside?”

“Do you have food?”

“Oh my fucking God, yes, we have food for your fat-ass,” he grumbled.

“I’m not fat, Connor. I have some flab, but I’m not a fat-ass. Also, I thought you brought me to your house so you could help with the history project, not insult me and ridicule me when I want food,” you said.

Connor walked into his house, demanding you follow him, “Just come the fuck inside.”

“Fine,” you snapped and followed him inside. Oh God, I’m snapping at Connor fucking Murphy… I’m a deadman, you thought to yourself. “Now, can I have some food?”

Zoe walked through the den and said, “You can make yourself some food, (y/n), because Connor won’t make you shit. If you know how to cook with a stove, we have some noddles you can cook. Pans are under the sink.”

You smiled at Zoe and thanked her, “Thank you, Zoe… is it really okay?”

She looked at you, then to her brother, then back at you. “Yeah, it’s fine. Like I said, Connor won’t make you anything, so you might as well make yourself something.”

“Zoe, go fucking do something that’s not talking to (y/n). She’s here to work on a project,” Connor sneered at his sister.

You looked at Connor and crossed your arms. “That’s no way to talk to your sister, Connor,” you told him.

“And what do you know? You barely even know me or my family? All your here for is a fucking project,” he snapped.

That kind of hurt you. He had seemed so interested earlier at school, what had caused him to do a complete 180? You bit your lip and turned away from him. Speaking of what happened, what happened to you? Not even 24 hours ago you never would have even thought about talking to Connor Murphy, let alone the way you were talking to him now. “You know what, Connor Murphy—you are so confusing! You seemed soooo fucking interested in what I was saying at school and then the moment we are out of school, you act like we didn’t have a rather interesting interaction. Are you actually interested in helping me out with this fucking project or am I just going to have to do the whole damn thing by myself?! Because if you’re going to act like this, I would much rather you take my fat-ass home so I can do this myself!!”

Zoe rolled her eyes and left with a, “Keep your girlfriend calm, Connor.” Did she completely tune out what you had just said?

“I-I’m not his g-girlfriend, Zoe!!” you yelled, voice breaking in embarrassment.

“Yeah, okay. Sure, (y/n). He never brings a girl home and here you are, a girl, and he brought you home,” she said with a grin.

You blushed and stammered, “N-n-no! That’s crap! I’m just fucking here for a stupid project that I might as well do myself!”

As soon as Zoe left the room, Connor seemed immediately relieved. He even sighed, adding to the fact that he was relieved. “Geez, I thought she would never leave,” he said.

“Why does it matter?” you asked. “Anyways, are you going to fix me food or not?”

Connor sighed, “I can fix your dumbass some food.”

You bowed ironically as you said, “Thank you, Sir Connor.”

Connor had fixed you some simple mac and cheese, not that you were complaining, his mac & cheese was surprisingly delicious. You were half-way through your bowl of food when Connor asked you, “So, continue from where you fucking left off today.”

“Right now?” you asked with food in your mouth. You were completely taken by surprise by his words.

He looked at you for a moment, with a spoon hanging in your mouth and eyes looking up from your bowl, and gave you a small smile. “Yeah, right now. What do you have planned for our project.”

THERE HE GOES BEING INTERESTED AGAIN, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

You swallowed the food in your mouth and cleared your throat. “I, umm, well, I was thinking more of Akhenaten. The more I was thinking of him, the more I decided we could cover his family’s heresy,” you said.

“Who and what?”

“Pharaoh Akhenaten, born Ahmenhotep IV, was the head of religious upheaval that turned Ancient Egypt on its head. He went from worshipping the plethora of Ancient Egyptian gods and goddesses to just one god—Aten, the solar deity. Akhenaten’s whole family were a bunch of raging weirdos, though, so it wasn’t just him who was the special one of the bunch! Thutmose III, the bastard that tried to erase Hatshepsut from history, was the Heretic King’s great-great-grandfather—so yeah, great family already. Now, I’m not saying all of Akhenaten’s family was as fucked up as Thutmose III, but his great-grandfather, Amenhotep II began some religious shit. The same religious shit that spiraled out of control and ended with Akhenaten’s Amarna Period. Amenhotep II decided to build a fucking temple to the Sphinx of Giza and be crowned ruler of Heliopolis instead of Thebes, which started everything! And when I say everything, Connor, I mean everything! So, after this slight deviation, for the next three pharaohs, the religious deviation continued until Akhenaten decided to flip EVERYTHING!!”

There you went again, you got so animated when you talked about Ancient Egyptian history. And Connor noticed it and it caused him to smile a tad bit. He tried to focus on what you were saying, and he half did, but he was more focused on the way your eyes lit up as you shared your knowledge. He noticed how you abandoned the mac & cheese as you fidgeted with the spoon, like you were tying not to leave a single detail out. “Mhmm… cool, what happened?” he asked, waiting to see how animated you could get.

Of course, you did not disappoint. “Oh my Osiris!! Everything happened!! Akhenaten’s family slowly deviated from the Theben religion and shit! Ooh! I can’t even get into it! It wasn’t like Aten was some god that Akhenaten decided to make up just to fuck with the polytheistic religion of Egypt, no! He can’t take that credit! Aten had his own little cult back then,” you laughed. You noticed Connor’s eyes on you harden as you said cult. “N-no! Cults back then weren’t negative in the slightest, so don’t take it like that, C-Connor. Cults in the ancient past were kinda like the different secs of modern religions, like Baptists and Catholics of Christianity. So, yeah, Aten was a lesser god who had his own cult. The priesthood of Amun, the de-facto chief of gods, had grown large and almost out of control. They literally owned more land than even the fucking pharaoh did! Like, what the fuck? How the hell could they get that much fucking land without the pharaohs before Akhenaten noticing. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back and it was one of the reasons that moron tried converting the whole of Ancient Egypt from polytheism to monotheism.” The spark in your eyes was enough to start a fire and you spoke with so much passion that it was almost suffocating. You took a spoonful of mac & cheese and stuffed it in your mouth, saying, “It was better when we were all fucking pagans.”

The way Connor was looking at you had you thrown for a loop. It was like you were the center of the world for a small amount of time. Taking a few moments to absorb what you had said, he spoke, “Oh really? And why were things better when we were all pagans, (y/n)?”

Scoffing, you answered, “Because when we were all pagans, we focused on fucking peace and harmony! None of this oh let’s go conquer this land in the name of God/Allah/our own selfish bullshit reasons! NO! When we were pagans, we only fought when we wanted to expand our land or settle something with another kingdom.”

“Ah,” he answered. Connor honestly didn’t know nearly half of what you were telling him. Everything you said was new information to him and it honestly made him lowkey smile about it. He had never really met anyone who could speak to him as freely as you did, or snap at him like you did for that matter, and it made him feel like he wasn’t just some druggie who people avoided. Connor Murphy actually felt grateful to that “old man” that was Mr. Boulden for partnering him up with such an interesting person. Never once had he thought that he could have been paired up with someone as interesting as you. “What makes you think that pagans didn’t go to war for stupid reasons, (y/n/n)?” he asked, his eyes never leaving yours.

“Boy,” you deadpanned, “you’re kidding me? A core idea in any monotheistic belief system is the encouragement of the belief that, in order for it to be right, other systems must necessarily be wrong. It is because of that stupid insistence on being the sole administrator of ultimate truth leads to intolerance of other beliefs and their suppression. That is why pagans are seen to be unholy and blasphemous, because of that damn central idea of monotheistic belief systems! Ugh!! It’s infuriating that a religion that promotes peace and harmony is considered unholy because some moron created a serious monotheistic religion.”

Connor chuckled in amusement, “You don’t seem to like monotheism, do ya, (y/n)?”

You laughed at his comment, “What gave you that idea? Now, don’t peg me as an atheist, because I’m not, I’m more agnostic than anything. And I don’t dismiss anyone’s religious views because umm, no, that’s fucking rude.”

“That’s good to know, I guess. Miss Agnostic,” Connor quipped.

“Oh, aren’t you just too funny, Mister Loner,” you quipped back.

“Ahaha… you’re hilarious, my spleen may burst.”

“Aww, thanks, Con.” Connor blinked at that name. You noticed what you had said and stammered, trying to fix your mistake, “C-Connor! I meant to say Connor, but it came out too soon! M-my brain… my mouth… my something wasn’t keeping up with everything else! I-I’m sorry!”

He chuckled softly at your cute stammering and said with a shrug, “You can call me that, (y/n). I can call you (y/n/n), you can call me Con. Anyways, we should probably get to work on the project. I like whatever your doing with the whole Heretic King thing, so let’s do that. But, you seem to know fucking everything there is to know about that shit, so you probably don’t need my help.”

You looked at him and smiled. “I might not need any help with research and shit, Con, but having some company while I do the project would be nice. If you can handle being around me for two to three weeks,” you answered.

“I can’t see that fucking killing me, (y/n/n),” he said, a smile could be heard in his tone.

Smiling, you continued to eat. “Okay, coo. We can get started once I’m done with my food. Sound good to you, Con?” you asked with a smile.

“Yeah, sure. I did make you the food, I fucking expect you to eat all of it, dammit!”

“I’m working on it,” you laughed.

TAGS: @saturdayschilddrivesmewild you told me to tag you and here you go bby ;)

Also, I’ll be gone for the next few days on a vacay with my family, so you won’t really hear from me from today, the 23rd, until Wednesday the 26th! I’ll be working on some stuff while I’m gone and I may upload some stuff, but not as frequent as I upload usually! I just wanted to get this out since the thought is fresh~! Hopefully I’ll have something cutesy with Michael to upload at some point in the next few days!

[sapphyrelily]

people were never meant to be alone

Inspired by a love song/non-love song by Jon Cozart and Dodie Clark

i. Semi

It’s beautiful tonight.

It seems odd, that I can still think this, even after all that’s happened, even after being left behind, like this.

But maybe that’s not quite true.

We've made our choices, and though circumstance has had a part in it too, the end result is the same.

I am here, and he isn’t.

The lights dancing across the water are captivating, breaking apart and coming back together, jolted sideways by the waves. Above the harbour, the streetlamps and lights of the buildings shine, bright and welcoming, even though it is close to nine.

I laugh a little, and the sound that escapes surprises even me – it sounds so bitter. But maybe that’s true. I do feel kind of bitter.

It’s lucky that everyone else is too caught up in each other to notice me.

It’s an odd habit, but I pat the railing before I step away, casting a last look at the small bit of sea invading the harbour, at the ships bobbing on it.

Tomorrow, one of those will set sail, a cruise bound for Thailand before looping around and returning here.

Here. That’s a funny thought.

Here, where I am, where we were supposed to be, together.

I’m rambling again.

But hey, at least I’m not like every other sappy couple here.

I am alone, a tourist, even though I am visiting all these sites populated with couples.

-----

My room is a small one – large enough for just me, maybe a squeeze if I were to share it.

The bottle of wine on the table seems to mock me – as does the single glass beside it. I do not look at them, but open the balcony door, leaning on the railing to regard the pool below.

I should put it out of mind and enjoy my stay here – my mini vacation, in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

Definitely not the most romantic, said to be the busiest and the least happy.

It doesn’t seem all that different from Japan, to me, except that the malls are more crowded, the weather decidedly more humid, and the people are louder.

It is probably a cultural thing, but it’s…peaceful.

It’s nice, I suppose, to be able to hide in a crowd like this, where the bustle drowns out your thoughts.

Where I don’t have to think about what others think of us, where I don’t have to pretend that it’s something it’s not.

“You are together? Congratulations.”

Ha.

Maybe once, Wakatoshi. But no longer.

I don’t quite know how to describe us, anymore. It’s a sort of limbo, and neither wants to make the first move to unbalance the equation.

So we keep pretending, I guess. We haven’t slept in the same bed in months, nor have we spoken of anything past usual pleasantries and maybe a joke or two.

It’s like we regressed back to being friends, or perhaps, distant acquaintances.

No, that’s not it. Still friends, but nothing close to what we shared before.

It’s sad.

I sigh and retreat back into the room, turning out the lights, the lightest click the only sound in the following darkness.

The covers are thick, still cool from the air-conditioning, and his voice follows me, a complaint replayed at the slightest touch of coolness.

I tuck myself in and shut his voice out, willing my brain to stop talking.

(I wonder, is this what it’s like, to grow apart?)

 ii. Shirabu

“Okay, and again!”

You smile for the camera, tilting your head in the angle he likes best, letting the artificial wind push the hair back across your face. The camera clicks in quick succession, the director calls a halt, and you step out of the blinding lights.

Another day, another job done.

You hate the long hours and the lights, the fussing and twittering, but modelling is a job that pays well, despite all that it takes from you.

You feel your mind begin to drift, skipping down the forbidden path, and you force it back, slapping it back on track.

You thank the director, the photographer, the make-up artists… Everyone that you must greet gets their share of thanks before you can excuse yourself to the luxurious room they prepared for you.

Luxurious, but empty.

Your mind wanders again, to the thought of companionship in a sun-drenched place, of warm hearts and elbows rubbing, and easy conversations.

You have but one of those, when you took up this job, and left behind a chance at perhaps, something more.

You are alone, in the taxi, and you decide that maybe, it would be alright to entertain these thoughts. This notion, that you could have had a full bloom, when you already have a half-open bud.

Your phone buzzes, interrupting your foolish thinking, and you pull it out.

It’s funny, that the name on the screen matches the face you were just thinking about.

Typing back a quick reply, you hit Send before you realise what a plain, generic answer that was. The same kind of answer you are used to giving, the one that never merits a bigger response than that.

Something small, that you noticed only recently, that is probably why you are growing apart.

Huh. You were growing apart. From the one person who never stopped pursuing you in the past – yet it seems otherwise, now.

(When did he stop? When did he stop running, slowing past walking, coming to a crawl?)

(Will he decide to turn back?)

(Is it worth trying to salvage it?)

Your phone buzzes again, and you see bright photos, lovely scenery, coupled with a smile you know all too well.

Wish you were here! The caption reads, but you shake your head and smother a laugh.

He doesn’t, not really. He admitted so when he was drunk once, though he was quick to re-affirm that he adores you.

(Maybe not so soon, but someday, someday, surely.)

(Surely, he will leave.)

Sometimes you wish you could have returned that affection in the way that he wanted, but yours is a friendship turned relationship of convenience. There is no love lost between you, especially after so many years.

(Sometimes, you wish there was.)

But looking at the photo, you let yourself dream a little.

What would it have been like, if you had followed him?

 iii. Semi

The streets are always so busy, no matter where I turn. Maybe it’s because I don’t know any non-tourist areas, but where would be the fun in pretending I was anything but a tourist?

My phone’s​ camera is awful, but good enough, and I manage to get shots of buildings with not too much sky in them – Satori never lets me live it down if there’s too much sky in a photo.

“Are you taking picture of the thing or of the sky?”

I turn my face down, hoping everyone else is minding their own business. It wouldn’t do for a tourist to be upset on a holiday, now, would it?

Except that I still am upset. By something found and lost, but mostly by the what-if of it all.

It would be easier, perhaps, to pretend. As I always do – as we always do, did.

And it’s not so hard, to pretend, when I can practically hear his voice yammering inside my head.

It’s only hard because I know it’ll never happen again.

And I can’t help it, I can’t help the thought that forms automatically, despite knowing that it would benefit me to not think about it.

I miss you.

 iv. Shirabu

It’s quiet, but still a little busy – this is, after all, a city that hardly sleeps. The lights weaving together on the arches of the bridge are bright, but not blinding, the glow enough to set a mood.

You try not to glance around – left and right are couples strolling hand in hand, though there is the occasional single or a small family. It matters not who they are, but what they have – relationships, bonds, people they care about and to whom they can return after a long day.

You cannot say that you have the same luxury now.

You left your base, your home ground – the metaphorical nest. You stepped out and spread your wings, hoping the downdraft would lift and help you glide to the ground.

You have glided this far, and the winds are failing, the current dying away. You have not looked down – have never looked down, have been too trusting, too confident – and now, you are uncertain where you’d land.

Your phone is silent in your pocket, despite usually being the opposite – and that is answer enough.

You’ve landed somewhere unfamiliar, somewhere hostile, and you do not have a single person at your back to fall back on, to trust in.

(A barren land, desert and unforgiving sand, with neither water nor sustenance. A place where one will perish, for sure.)

Maybe…

Maybe you should’ve held on.

(The memory of an empty inbox, unsent drafts, cutting words tears at your heart.)

(A figure turned away, without a since glance back.)

(Dismissal.)

You look ahead and exhale through your mouth, trying not to crumple.

(Pretty pictures fold themselves away inside your mind, hiding in a box, sliding into a dark and dusty corner.)

 v. Semi

I’m back.

Back here, at the waterfront, with the lights shining over the water, but this time, no boat in the harbour.

I can hear the soft murmuring of the couples at my back, and for the umpteenth time, I wonder, why am I doing this to myself?

(I’m not sure I’ll ever find an answer.)

But watching them, even the slightest glance, brings back floods of memories, remnants of times past, and it’s like they are happening anew.

A hearty laugh, a shock of red hair, hands pushing at mine, until his hands are on the controls instead. “Eita-kun, you suck so much at this. Let me get it.”

Within a minute, a large plush is in my arms, blocking my vision.

But I can hear his laugh from over it, and the unbridled joy in it makes me smile.

I can see an arcade from where I stand, and have to turn away, bite my lip, keep the emotion back.

“Aisle seat?”

“Nooo. Oh my goodness, you never watch movies from the side! There, we’re taking H-10 and 11. Right in the centre.”

“Satori–”

“Shh. It’ll be better, trust me.”

The movie theatre is on the opposite side of the mall. I start towards it, trying to keep my face blank, but I’m failing, falling.

“You’ve got a choice. Pick one.”

I look at both shirts, but neither of them impress me. He shoves one at me anyway, pushing me into the changing room, and I have to catch myself on the wall, but I’m laughing.

They were good times. That is for sure.

Hands swinging by each other, until finally one gives up and grabs a hold of the other, pinkies loosely intertwined.

“Eita?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

I have to cover my face for a moment, the memory is so strong.

A chaste kiss, lips lifted in a smile.

“Forever?”

“Always.”

But forever is shattered, like powdered glass, and there’s not enough of it left to fit in a stained-glass window.

Forever spins away on a breeze, and I watch it go, left behind with a half-hearted lie.

 vi. Shirabu

Your fingers hover over the blackened screen, the train’s lights reflecting off of it.

You are hesitating.

You are reluctant.

It’s for good reason, you tell yourself, fingers clenching around the device, turning it over so you can’t see​ the screen.

But in the next moment, you have flipped it over again, unlocked it, and you stare at a background that only heightens your conflict.

A picture of the two of you, smiling broadly for the camera.

You still remember how it was taken, a giant cliché.

You are laughing, hard enough that he has to support you, because you are bent over, wheezing.

“Shirabu-san.”

There’s a lilt of happiness in his voice, a tad more than usual, and you look up, only for the camera shutter to go off.

You don’t bother to make him delete it, because your good mood remains – and also because you like the way he tries to preserve memories like this, sometimes.

His arm around your waist is warm, as is the sun reflecting off your smiles in the photo.

You bite your lip as you stare at the screen, chest aching horribly.

You open your messaging app, stare at the latest message, and once again, exit without sending anything new.

Your home screen wallpaper mocks you, and you have a sudden urge to change it.

Don’t, a voice inside you whispers, but you shake it off and open your photo gallery.

It is so difficult to pick something, anything, but you settle on a patch of blooming flowers, lit by the setting sun, even though you are breaking apart.

You know better.

This is the way to redemption, and to salvaging what’s left of your…friendship.

You are better, smarter than this. You should know, you should know that the only way to get over this is to leave it alone.

You do know.

And that is why you slip your phone into your bag, watching the flashing lights for the upcoming train station instead of trying to reply, because you only make things worse when you speak.

 vii. Meeting

Two figures headed in the same direction, paths bifurcating at the casino. They almost don’t notice each other, both caught up in their own world, in their haze of distraction.

Neither of them really knows who notices the other first – but they agree that it started with the fireworks.

The fireworks, that go off in the amusement park at eight thirty, a light show that most people stop to stare at.

It is in the aftermath – or perhaps, even the middle of it, the glow lighting the faces beneath – that they stop, and their eyes meet.

They promptly look away, neither of them acknowledging the other, still half in a daze, still hoping, dreaming, on their own.

But the fireworks die away, and the world begins moving again, except for the two stationary figures, both waiting for the other to make the first move.

One of them does move – a shake of his head, a wry smile – turning away. Everything he does screams his belief that he is seeing things, and he will not entertain it.

And the other – it is his turn, his move, and he takes the first step.

The first lifting and dropping of a foot, and then another, and another, before his shoes are clicking rapidly across the concrete, catching up, and a hand placed on a shoulder.

A whisper of a name – in disbelief, questioning, and the one who turned away first – he blinks slowly, as if waking from a dream.

A curious, wondrous smile lifts his lips, and he greets the other in a sighing cadence.

Hello.

 viii. Catching up

They go back to his room, because it is smaller, quieter, more private.

Small pleasantries, an exchange of information – what they are doing on a small island, so far from their homeland, their jobs, their lives, what they have done since graduation and losing touch.

Neither of them speak about the golden band resting on the table, or the silver one hanging around a neck. It’s as if they recognise the pain in each other’s eyes, and there is a mutual understanding, though they have never agreed on much, before.

The hour is late when their mouths are dry, and one of them stands to leave. The other is just as quick to catch his sleeve, gently asking him to stay.

It’s late. I’ll lend you some clothes.

It is odd, but he has no reason to refuse, not when he doesn’t have to work the next day. And maybe…

Maybe he does need some form of companionship, if only in the form of someone he used to dislike so much.

Maybe, it would be alright to stay.

(Just for a bit.)

 ix. Quiet moments

The bed is large enough for the two of them, and they lie on opposing sides, facing away from each other.

But sleep does not come easily, and in the midst of tossing and turning, they begin to bicker.

It’s almost nostalgic, the jibes and insults thrown, but neither let up, and they end up poking and kicking each other under the blanket as if they were still in high school.

Nobody knows who won, but lying there in the relative quiet, with the air-conditioning as white noise, it’s almost easy to pretend that they are both okay.

But silence is a tricky thing, like the molten glass that glassblowers mould.

Who are you engaged to?

Is that a promise ring?

They laugh at their overlapping words. They’ve always been too similar, in some ways.

 x. Secrets

They argue over who would start first, until one caves.

It was Satori.

Was?

I don’t know, but I don’t think we are together any more. Not in that sense, at least.

A low hum, understanding, accepting.

Non-judgemental.

You’re right, you know.

What?

This. It’s sort of like a promise ring. He lets the ring fall from jointless fingers; it clinks against the chain, falling silent against the bed. But promises are always broken.

A beat of silence – he takes that as agreement, but then the other begins speaking again.

Not true. Promises are what you make them.

He snorts. Maybe so, but not this one. This was always in a limbo and ready to be broken.

Oh?

Yeah.

A lengthier silence, and he stares at the ceiling, waiting, waiting, for him to ask.

He doesn’t.

You’re not curious? He can’t help himself – he can’t imagine anyone not wanting to pry. About who the other ring belongs to?

You’d tell me, if you wanted. His voice is so trusting – it’s not fair.

(It’s plain to see who has matured more over the years.)

(He doesn’t like it.)

Tsutomu has the other ring.

It feels like an admission, a soft, whispered thing, yet also a loud, shouted thing – a gunshot in the darkness, a secret that he doesn’t want to bring to light.

And?

He huffs. I thought you weren’t going to pry.

I know you, and you want to tell me. You just need a push.

He gets a kick for his troubles, but hears a sigh, and eventually, the other starts talking.

 xi. Moving on

The funny thing about people, is how they pretend they can survive alone, when really, they need support at least some of the time.

That is how humans work, as does the beautiful-ridiculous thing called companionship.

They talk through the night, till the sun peeks through the bottom of the curtains, and that is when they decide to sleep.

When they wake, another day is gone, but the burden on their hearts has eased.

It feels like they are going to go back to pretending they hate each other, go back to pretending the other doesn’t exist.

But one of them makes a tiny offer, and the other accepts, and then they are wandering the mall until closing time, trading banter as they walk back along the bridge.

It’s almost friendly, and they trade numbers, a teasing parting of ways.

Call me.

You sound desperate.

I mean when you need to talk, brat.

Hmm, no.

You are ridiculous.

You are absurd.

Pain-in-the-ass.

Naggy.

I’m trying to be nice.

Don’t.

Fine.

Fine.

They turn away, but glance back, and burst out laughing.

They are broken, and patched up, their repairs messy but feasible for the moment.

They are flightless birds, but they have learnt to walk, and maybe, run.

They smile at each other a last time and part ways, hearts lighter than they were before.

Romance is a lie, but you can find companionship in the oddest places.

[ajadelight]

Cell Phone Affair - Part Two

Amanda left the bus stop laughing to herself about John’s reaction. She made her way through the park, rounded a corner and saw a line of people waiting for service from a food vendor. Art’s Breakfast Bagels - Your Way, his sign announced. She danced her way along the line until she caught the attention of a fabulous dress woman. She stopped and looked at her with sad eyes.    “What’s your problem?” the woman asked.    “Hunger for one. It’s been two days since I ate last. Other than that, some jerk stole my cell phone and I need to call my sister to get picked up for a party tomorrow. I always attend family parties, even if they don’t like me. At least they feed me well.”    The woman frowned and shook her head. “I swear! Don’t they teach you anything at school? Did you graduate?”    “Yes, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. Would you be kind and let me use your cell phone. I promise I won’t run away with it.”    “You want a sandwich also?”    “That would be nice, but I won’t bother you about that. I’ll find something later or hit the free soup kitchen for lunch.”    The woman groaned and got her cell phone from her purse. She handed it to her and then hooked a finger in a belt loop of her jeans.    “It might break, but it will slow you down enough for me to grab you and knock a knot on your head.”    Amanda gave her a huge smile. “Cool.”    She dialed a number and waited. “Hey, Susan. Sorry I had to use someone else’s phone. Mine got stolen. What do I want? I want to see you on Saturday at noon at the water fountain in Walton Park. Why? Because you’re a coward and I’m tired of it all. You’re a great woman to sleep with, but enough is enough. If you don’t show and discuss it with me, I’m going to the Walton Post and come out of the closet and drag you with me. Maybe you’re joking about what you’re doing, but I’m not. I’m serious and you’re hurting me by treating me like a piece of shit. So, be there at noon on Saturday or prepare for exposure in the papers! It’s not right for you to play with my feelings and emotions and think you can walk all over me. You spend 6 months being intimate with me and now you want to be my friend and say it’s all my mistakes for loving you? Yes. I said noon on Saturday at the fountain in Walton Park. You’d better keep that date, woman! I love kissing your ass, but this time I’ll kick it and kick it good! Goodbye.”    She disconnected the call and handed the phone back to the woman. “Thanks. That was mighty kind of you. You have a wonderful day now.”    “Whoa! Are you okay? What the hell was that? Was that your sister or some other family member?”    Amanda frowned. “No. I wouldn’t be doing no lesbian love with a family member. That was Susan. She came on to me and I tried it once and found I like it and I liked her. For 6 sweet months, it was bliss and she kept insinuating and hinting that she wanted a very long-term relationship. I opted to accept because the love and everything with her was so real. Then wham. She’s out of my life and it’s my fault, but she can’t tell me why? All I did was love her. Bitch.”    “In that case, I agree with you. But why my cell phone? Oh, I get it. If you used yours, she’d never answer. Bitch. I hope she calls me back. I’ll add my icing for her cake and grind it in her face. You might be down-and-out, but you’re attractive and you’ve got a good heart and personality. You probably deserve better than her, but I’ll let you make up your own mind on that. And you have a good day also.”    “I will now. Thanks. Will you come to the park on Saturday at noon to support me?”    “I’ll be there. I’ll rearrange everything to get there and help you. She has me riled up now.”

   Amanda walked away, nibbling on an Everything Bagel with cream cheese, compliments of Danielle, and feeling good. She came across a taxi stand and people were lined up, getting inside yellow cars like lemmings jumping off cliffs. She walked past them dancing and humming and stopping occasionally to play some guitar and bow for their applause.

   She approached the 7th person in line, a man wearing dress pants and a long-sleeved blue striped shirt with no tie.    She waited until he finished his call and put on her pitiful, helpless look and waved timidly. “Excuse me, sir. I’m down on my luck now. A wonderful angelic woman back the street bought me a bagel to calm my hungry stomach. Some jerk stole my cell phone and I need to make an important call. I know that look. It’s not important to you, but it is to me. I’m supposed to be in Rantoul in 30 minutes to babysit for a cousin who’s paying cash and I’m not going to make it. Unless you want to give me a ride and detour to Rantoul before you go to where you’re going. Where are you going?”    “To work. I work odd hours at the ice factory, like from 10 to 6 4 days a week and 12 hours on Saturday.”    “No rest for the weary and overburdened. So, will you give a ride or I could use your cell phone and let my cousin know I’m not going to make it.”    He looked her up and down and handed her his cell phone. “You might be down, but you look too good to ride with you in a taxi right now. Help yourself until it’s my turn.”    “Thanks, dude.” She pressed the last-call function, highlighted the number and pressed call.    “Hey, honey. What’s up with you today? Do you miss me that much?”    “Not really. Don’t tell me I got the wrong number again. You don’t sound familiar. Who is this?”    “This is Jean and you have the right number. It came up Clyde on the Caller ID. What are you doing with his phone?”    “Using it. That should be obvious without asking unless you’re a slow learner. Are you?”    “NO! Who are you?”    “I’m Amanda Collins. And you?”    “I’m Jean! I told you that already! What are you doing with my husband?”    “Oh, him. I’m probably doing the same thing that you’re doing, but I’m doing it a little, no, a whole lot better than you.”    “What?”    “You didn’t know that? Don’t tell me you’re one of those women who take life for granted. You know, like after you say, ‘I do,’ you can slack off and wear granny dresses and curlers to bed and everything is all paradise. I got news for you, honey. That’s not the way it works. You have any kids?”    “NO! And when I get my hands on you, you won’t ever have them either! Give him back the phone!”    “Not yet. I’m not done and it’s rude to try to end the conversation early.”    “You’re pissing me off, woman!”    “Oh well. I enjoy golden showers on occasion. Tell you what, meet me at the fountain in Walton Park at noon on Saturday and we’ll take turns pissing on each other while the cameras roll.”    “Give him the damned phone, woman! Now!”    “Or what? Do you know where I am? Do you know where your husband is? I do.”    “Give it to him.”    “Here? You want me to give it to him here?”    “What are you doing?” asked Clyde, finally stopping his gaze and daydream and paying attention.    “I don’t know, but this strange woman wants me to kiss you at a minimum, right here.”    She stepped close and kissed him without moving the phone. “Wow! You do kiss very well. That was so good, I’d like a repeat. Come on. We still have time before we reach the taxi platform.”    “What are you doing? I’ll kick your ass, bitch!” yelled Jean.    “Just got a couple of great kisses from Clyde. Wow! Got a little worked up on them. But thanks. I appreciate that opportunity.”    “You’re welcome,” Clyde said. “Who are you talking to?”    “I’m talking to some woman named Jean. Do you know her?”    “My wife? What are you doing, crazy woman?”    “I’m doing what she said to do. Here, ask her if you don’t believe me.    “Jean, what the hell are you doing? Did you tell her to kiss me?”    “Yes, I think, I said give it to him, or you, but I didn’t know it was really you. She’s confusing. Who the hell is she?”    “I don’t know. I’m waiting for a taxi to go to the train station and she just stopped out of nowhere.”    “Then put her on the damned phone again!”    “Hello? This is Amanda. What can I do for you?”    “Besides drop dead, what are you doing?”    “Enjoying some great phone sex. I think this is the foreplay part. Kind of kinky, but very exciting. What do I do next?”    “Get ready for a fight, bitch! Where do we meet?”    “At noon on Saturday by the fountain in Walton Park. Do you know where that is?”    “Yes, I know where that is?”    “But not where your husband is?”    “Stop it!”    “Sounds like you did a long time ago. That’s a shame. He has a lot to offer.”    “That does it! I’ll be at the park at noon and at 12:05, you will die!”    “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, like saying ‘I Do’ in a chapel or elsewhere and not holding yourself to it.”    “Tell me that after I hold your head under water for 10 minutes, waterlogged heathen bitch.”    “Yada-yada-yada,” said Amanda.    She handed Clyde the phone. “She hung up on me. I’ve never been that rude to anyone in my life. And she hung up on me. She lays into me with all those threats and it’s my fault? I don’t think so. Anyway, you’re up next. You have a great day and see if you can get Jean to enroll in Anger Management classes. It might improve your marriage.”    He slid the phone back in his coat pocket. “You’re fucking unreal! Do you know that? How can you do that to people? Why hasn’t someone killed you before now?”    She shrugged. “I don’t know. It must be my angel-like face and personality. Are you coming to the park with her on Saturday? One of us will be the kicked and one will be the kicker.”    “Wouldn’t miss it for the world, weird woman.”

[ryanrazors-blog]

FaMniversary IV Reivew (Spoilers...Obviously...Scrubs <_<)

Alright… wait what am I doing and where is my webcam.. Wait what… I can’t do a live reaction?? Then how the fu- *sighs* forget it I guess I’ll just type… *sighs*

Hello there whomever is reading this. I have a lot of names in this community but for the sake of it just call me Ryan as I will be reviewing “The Biggest Show in WWE Games yet” FaMniversary IV. First off you really have no idea how pissed I was that I couldn’t watch this live let alone live react to it I haven’t done one since Survival but hopefully by CyberFaMday that’ll change but I guess if I can’t do what I do best might as well do the 2nd best thing and that’s write a whole review of this 5 hour extravaganza… that may or not come out before the Fammy Awards. But in all seriousness keep your hands and feet in the ride at all times as a bit of a disclaimer if I come across rude or bashing or “hating” I’m giving my genuine opinion of the show as a fan of the overall show and probably couldn’t even fathom the work that goes in to make a show like this from graphics, matches promos, etc. Its insane what you guys have managed to pull off and keep going. So if I say something that either didn’t really clear up any questions you may have had as you read or just feel like hitting me up and share your own opinions on the show you can reach me on twitter @RyanRazors2k16 depending on the timing I may answer it asap or after a day or 2.

Alright no more distractions! LAdies and Gentlemen This is the FaMniversary 4 Review!!

Kicking off the show with the Tag Team Turmoil match now going into it I thought it was just the 4 teams Britmen, Skilled Foundation, The Mafia, and the Resurrgence but come to find out the were other teams which I didn’t mind at all although it was obvious the 3 teams were the main focus on but adding Bryan Vore again was hilarious and letting the Review competition winner apart of it as well was a nice touch for the guy. Once The SF came in that’s where I believe “business picked up” with the story telling aspect and tag team psychology with The SF targeting Mexi’s leg which would come in handy later on to bite him in the ass as they were able to eliminate the Skilled Foundation but then had to deal with The Britmen and that was a freaking clinic after the regular performance we’ve seen out of the tag division since the Fammy Awards I knew it was going to amazing performance out of the Resurrgence if only it was a legit tag match between them it would’ve been even better but I hope there’s a rematch between the 2 teams sometime soon Mexi’s leg came back to bite him and they were just spent so of course Arik and AC would pick up the win but damn it was a hell of a fight. I usually do ratings but I’ve never really rated FaM shows before so I’ma just leave that be and if someone wants my rating yall can just DM me or something.

The Next Match was Darren Dastardly vs Frisco and personally this was a match I felt needed to be really really good considering the Rumble match felt extremely weird and rushed to the finish I really felt this needed to be a banger… aaaand it was good, better than the first match but it still felt a bit off to me because the match itself was mix between not just these 2 trying be full fledged member of FaM and also the overall rivalry between these 2 while I do think they did a decent job on trying to balance those two stories in the match I still felt more could’ve been done and I feel there could’ve been a better finish than what that was. In a ladder match it gives you the opportunity to use the ladder as uniquely as possible and I felt the finished could’ve been more creative and this match stood out like a sore thumb compared to the rest of the matches on the card except the 7 on 7 between Cushnie and G&P & The Straight Edge Triple Threat hopefully something will change in the future I put those guys matches on a certain standard because of the matches I’ve seen from in past outside of FaM and knowing that FaM is whole other beast when it comes to matches I thought the matches in FaM would be even better but so far it’s felt either rushed or just not doing enough to make feel that excitement I get when I watch FaM. But again this is just my thoughts most probably liked it for what it was but from knowing these guys I know they’re capable of doing better. But good job nonetheless on the match.

Moving on to The Straight Edge Triple Threat match it was decent match. It had a typical psychology of a triple threat and had some really great moments especially with Sanders, Andy winning was too easy of a guess but it made sense at the same time so not much to be said on that.

We move on to the next match that I believe kinda revived the show for me a bit after the last 2 matches and that was Pandurhino vs Roberto match was just perfect to me honestly sparked back my excitement for the show is just what we needed and the match was just insanely entertaining by the way shout to who edited that fucking dive of the stage that was fucking insane. I like how after all that carnage from that match Darren found a loop hole and practically stole the Hardcore belt like a real heel. So that was a nice touch.

The Next Match on the board to follow up that awesome match is 1 of my FaM favorites Anarchymus vs Element. This match looked to be very interesting from the jump. Element being well.. Let’s be honest Diesel if he had quads and Anarchymus Russian Strong Style Cesaro I expected this match to be strong hitting and a little bit of big man little man psychology and it was exactly that with some early on targeting of the leg of Element and alot of hard hitting moves from Element in response this was really a Superman vs Superman match up that I enjoyed alot definitely a rewatchable match and I’d even say Title Match OTY for FaM in my opinion My personal favorite match of the show so shouts to them.

Alright soo the next match was… something else to say the least Darin vs Sean Nova… for a number of reasons I say this. First of the little intro for NoVa’s entrance was actually pretty cool. Now the match itself… I can’t lie I was caught off guard I was actually expecting a more drawn out match but nah I got Goldberg vs Brock at Survivor Series with the overall match being (and I timed it) 1:02.99 like holy damn I wasn’t even mad just like Goldberg and Brock I was laughing my ass off so yeah that was a cool moment glad to see NoVa confirmedly back in FaM now holding technically the equivalence to the IC title he held in the Cyber FaM Championship

Next Match on the board is GuNNz vs Rafazo now this story sparked my entrance from moment GuNNz returned and made Rafazo look like a “PUSSY” (If you read that in his voice Cool points for you) anyways I liked the rookie vs vet concept between these 2 and that finish was perfect honestly because in the sense Rafazo didn’t beat GuNNz but GuNNz beat himself.

Now this next match’s result was highly predicatable due alot of what was going on not only in FaM but outside of it from what I’ve heard and honestly as far just FaM concerned it didn’t surprise me since I’ve said from the jump Gin was going to be a big over character due to the fact of the character is unique and stands out it's obvious fans of FaM would be highly invested in Gin. Vikel has been champ since the title arrived so it was obvious in my opinion that she was going to lose it regardless of that little thing that happened with Vikel on twitter or whatever that situation was. Eve… honestly I don’t know why Eve couldn’t get the belt besides again Gin is arguably more over but even then in my opinion I wish Elle would’ve got in to this match because I felt it would’ve been a good culmination for Elle to become champ after all she’s went through but apparently there was a “bigger picture” that we would learn a little later. Now to talk about the actual match I actually enjoyed it the flowed well and there wasn’t really any dud moments to make it look bad also quick nit pick if you go to 2:51:19 on the show IN MY OPINON I think that crossbody edit could’ve been done a bit more clean I’m just saying that’s probably my one and only nit pick as far as editing for the show that I saw that bugged me. But anyways the match was great the finish was alright like how Vikel was protected and didn’t get pinned. Again only wished the result wasn’t predictable but it is what is. I have nothing against Gin always been a friend of mine so congrats on becoming Diamonds Champ.

Next Match is definitely in my opinion The Match Of The Night Black Heron vs 2 Twisted Merk now I had a good idea of how this match would go at least the ending because I had a feeling Eve would play a factor but they teased what I was thinking so well played there. Every moment felt like it had purpose

And it was definitely crazy shit implemented into this long drawn out story between these 2 and show how much they would torment each other putting the match stipulation “I Quit” on a whole other level. It was the perfect match to me from start to finish. Absolutely loved it if you could imagine my face / reaction to when BH kicked his eardrum in you would’ve been dying of laughing because I was hyped as hell shouts to my B-day twin Alex and shouts to 2TM and whoever else involved with making that match awesome.

The Next match I’m not gonna lie I didn’t really care too much for this was filler for me to settle and process the BH vs 2TM match the 7 on 7 between Team Cushnie vs G & P just didn’t get my attention. I watched it but it was just more of a “*shrugs* It’s there” type of match for me although I did get a kick out of that finish with Wrestle Talk honestly if you ask me G & P should just be apart of the tag team division I’d be a lot more entertained if they were doing their shenanigans for something that matters instead of little feud with Cushnie.

Now… The Co-Main Event for the FaM Championship The Rematch… Bury The Hatchet Part 2 Nic Virtue vs Cameron Bash. Now before I get into this I just want to say this. I’ve never considered Bash as babyface. Ever. Its nothing against Bash himself its just how I feel about the Bash character. It just seems more bluntly obvious he’s playing a character that you want to cheer but not exactly transferring that way that is considering how much you know about the CAW history and whether you’re a casual or hardcore fan / observer of the overall community. Nic on the other hand outside of twitter disputes has always looked like a babyface in his matches and the few shows he was on. The thing that made BTH so interesting was the fact that the story was so heated and from my point of view Bash was the heel in this and Virtue was the babyface. The thing with this match was that there wasn’t much story draw to the match besides just giving people a rematch that people wanted to see and that they respected each other but I feel they missed an opportunity to have a turn specifically for Bash because going back to my last few statements I’ve never looked at Bash as babyface and at this point Bash feels like a forced babyface so for him to have turned during those time periods of building up to FaMniversary but again this is just how I feel about it.

The match itself was for sure amazing without a doubt definitely was match to remember with the psychology the story the were telling but honestly I wished Virtue won only because after everything I think it was obvious Nic was brought in for this but my question would be why not give him the belt. Outside of him not wanting it or just wanted to get that match out of the way to “retire” or continue just on a new chapter for him. Who knows there’s a lot of unanswered questions with that finish which might’ve been the point for all I know for it to get answered some time later. But regardless it was a hell of a match Great work.

Now The Main Fucking Event… Rom vs Ranik. First off… Holy. Mother. Of Shit… that fucking match was brutal as fuck There was a lot of story going into this match and after seeing Ranik vs BH and then following it up with Rom winning the rumble and knowing everything that was in stake for this I really didn’t want to see Rom lose but it was really up in smoke to where this would really go and I’m glad Rom won and the match itself was just fucking insane in every way of the term being used with this match. The crazy no selling, the actual selling, the crazy reversals and edits I think me and the guys always described Ranik like a Big Boss you’d face in the Final Battle and every match he’s been in has felt that way. So when Ranik finally went down it meant alot towards the overall power grip story for Rom for the last 3 years. So with that being said Awesome Main Event. Even afterwards the moments where Rom collapse and couldn’t get back up was just perfect after a match like that.

Now to talk about what transpired after all of that… this AWOL thing I’m not against it at all as long as its now another power struggle story mainly because it’s been an ongoing story for 3 years so I would hope we’d go on a different direction basically looking to be a big tweener group and I only say tweener because they had babyfaces and heels attacking heels and babyfaces so its now 100% clear on which side their on if anything it seems like they’re on their own side hence why I say tweener. They attacked BH, GuNNz,Andy and Eve whom are safe to say are face now attacked Vikel, Rafazo, Ranik Sanders and Killswitch who have been the heels sooo it’s clear the agenda and it seem to be in affect just have to wait and see at this point where that goes Cameron being the head honcho of it doesn’t surprise as again I’ve never seen him as a babyface and if this is the closest I can get to him being heel then for now so it shall be.

If you manage to make it all the way to this point you are a hell of a person and must be a good reader or took lots of pauses and or skimmed through but regardless thank you for reading as I shall return someday to my Live Reactions I will leave you with this lengthy review of FaMniversary IV did you agree or disagree with anything I had to say comment or dm me my twitter is @RyanRazors2k16 and if you’re fascinated with the way how I think of shit like this you might like my podcasts on my youtube channel I’ll be sure to leave a link for that somewhere but anywho Shout out to everyone that worked on the big ass show definitely worth watching over and can’t wait to see what happens with the product from here. And on that note I’m Out! Peaces!

~RyanRazors2k16