#ive had a long evening and tomorrow i'll have a long morning idk what im saying at this point im just tired

[platonic-qpr-selfshipping]

I'm having one of those "I wish I could just be part of the Astral Express crew" moments

[gabapentinblues]

12.29.2024 nightly journal entry. (for anyone who wants to read about my life) tw; sh and substances

walked to seven eleven with my friend this morning and got coffee and a white monster and drank both right away so i really caffeinated and it felt nice. it was foggy and rainy outside but not that cold. wore the flannel i got with her yesterday at goodwill and the beanie i got for christmas. we dyed our hair yesterday and watched a horror movie, might watch another tonight. im trying to stay up later so im not sleeping so much and also wanting to have some more rituals and take better care of myself.

vi and i talked about me maybe getting a social worker but it seems really difficult for some reason. she tried to help me by looking things up before i left this morning which was sweet. she told me to mention it to my therapist so i probably will and maybe she can help me too.

i drove and hour back home n drank the rest of my monster and it was rainy, i called another friend bc she said her grandpa passed away suddenly yesterday but shes estranged from her family so she was feeling weird about the whole thing. i told her id come visit for the day.

stopped at home first and self harmed bc its just a habit at this point. i got blood on my clothes and didnt even care. i also cut on my forearm which i never do but i was just really craving that spot, i just dont like to bc its pretty visible and i dont have much space between my tattoos, but anyway it wasnt even that satisfying. i cut a lot and called my mom jbc i feel obligated to, we didnt really talk abt anything.

i still wanna tell her i just want to break my lease and move home bc i dont feel like i can do this anymore.

drove over to see my other friend and she made me more coffee, i visited w her and her cats. we're playing thru a video game together. i smoked a little even tho im trying to stop. tomorrow i'll try to go the whole day. we walked to target in the rain and i got some groceries i needed and discount press on nails

we made ramen w chili crisp which was really good. i talked about how i just still feel sad and fucked up about my break up and just depressed and lonely in general no matter what i do.

i texted another friend who im getting closer with happy birthday and she told me she cares about me and that she hopes i start feeling better soon. we've been texting back and forth today. i also heard from someone ive been talking with romantically on and off for a few months, im not expecting much there but maybe it will go somewhere. she wished me happy holidays and thats basically been it.

been avoiding the girl i kissed and had a nice date with at the start of december bc i dont trust myself to be able to maintain it and i just feel like she'll end up disappointed or just totally disinterested bc im uninteresting and unhappy so often. it just feels like another austin situation where she'll just get bored of me and i'll like her too much and be left behind.

got back to my apartment as it was getting dark without self harming again even though i really thought about it. avoiding all the dishes in my sink and avoided eating dinner. what i ate at my friends was fine. i had a breakfast and a lunch and the meds i needed to take. put on my cheap press ons, listening to music.

took a lot of gabapentin and i have a bad headache rn that i thought would go away but im just gonna ignore it. getting used to using this chromebook. i wouldnt have typed a post so long otherwise. maybe i'll do these every night, idk. ive missed typing on a keyboard. and knowing that my journal entries are going somewhere other than my notebooks is kinda nice

i guess its just another way to process things. maybe i'll work on writing styles and making it readable and engaging. for now its just stream of conciousness.

trying to drink enough water. gonna do my skincare. pick a movie to watch, and maybe set up a few more things on here before i go to sleep. maybe i'll read a little bit too. i want to start feeling better, i want to feel like im working towards something. im tired of everyday feeling like endless sameness.

anyway, goodnight

[thespidercorgi]

Be careful out there kiddos

So bit of a long story but I think its funny. There's a scam going around. Ive seen it once but its its highly likely there are more. Basically a person asks you if you would like a sugar momma. Mine offered 300-500$ a week. I was obviously suspicious. But im very broke and still out of a job so I figured what the hell, couldnt hurt to look into it.

I started by going to the person's tumblr. It seemed super legit, like they even had resonable responses to reblogs. So either its a well put together scam, or it just a lonley ass person. I used a fake number to text the number they provided.

They said their name was Hannah Lenmont age 49 from San Francisco. They were suposedly devorced with no kids, and an investment analyst who just wanted someone to spoil and talk to, nothing sexual. I was like yeah sure okay. I gave my age and state i lived in plus some hobbies, normal stuff it was whatever. I've told more to strangers on discord tbh.

We got to talking and she was super sweet, called me sweet nicknames, told me about how she was going to spoil me how she wanted to take me traveling, it all seemed like a lot of work for a scam, but of ccourse i was still suspicious of the whole thing.

Here's where it gets fun. They asked what the nearest convenience store was. Odd request but okay. They knew i didnt have a car so they asked me to walk there and buy a steam gift card. And they would give me more to cover the cost when they paid me tonight (They called it an investment card at first idk) i was like I have 3 dollars to my name. I thought this was done, they'd realize I'm broke as shit and be done. Nope! They assured me they would just give me the money I needed to buy it. They would transfer it to my account and it'd be there tomorrow morning. I was like cool I'll buy it tomorrow then right?

I was a tad confused at this point, like it was obviously a scam, but what could they obtain from a paypal or routing number. Then the kicker.

What does that even mean honestly, anyway this is how they wanted to "send" the money

Ah I see, of course. So i drew this out as long as possible saying i couldn't set up the app because my phone was shitty, and the online banking didnt work either. I again suggested PayPal but just for the first payment. But apparently thier acount manager restricted 3rd party apps because thier last sugar bady stole 890$ via pay pal. I still wanted to scam them a little so i suggested a visa gift card.

Now this wasnt the first time they'd mentioned Germany but i was far more suspicious now. I said i was willing to wait until they were back in the states to get them on a new topic so i could play my trap card. I asked if they wanted to see some art i made. I'm not sure if you know this but it's super easy get an ip adress and location of someone if you can get them to click a link. Does the link look sketchy as hell? Absolutely, but many people don't pay much attention to image links.

And then they clicked it. I was so damn excited man. Turns out Germany is in Lagos Nigeria, who knew?

TL:DR: My tumblr sugar momma was actually a Nigerian prince, and it is so easy to get someone's ip adress.

[loi-et-love]

NF: You charmer.

I: heh today, i spent so much time with SZ. My boss left at 5:15 n then i was at SZ's desk chitchatting with him. we left together n then we were in the basement till 7:15 talking. standing outside our cars n then he said lets go! you need to go home so we left n he gets more traffic than i do, so he texts me when he';s stuck, so this time i texted him when i was waiting for the signal to turn green n then he called me. we spoke for 6 mins. he reached 15 mins before i reached home n he wrote this: Is it you or if should be me scared ..... today I was down for one hours ..... I was emailing you 70 odd mails .... this is because you are in office ..... what would happen when you are not in this company you would forget me and find someone else ...... so who is the one to be heart broken ????? You keep saying I would go abroad ..... but look at yourself it's you who is going to leave me and go ...... any clue how I would feel when you are gone and stop talking to me as much ? And WTF ...... I am already missing you ..... you are right I should have hugged you before leaving and then got in to back seat. And the reason I didn't kiss was ..... I don't know what you think about me or what you would think about me after that.

in the basement, he came up with a stupid plan. he said "im not entertainment" i said ure not. nor are you a distraction!!" so he said, "okay so let's do this. starting from tomorrow, we won't talk/chat/ communicate till thursday" he's gg to out of town again for work on tuesday morning n coming back on wednesday night so ill see him on monday n then on thursday

NF: It would give your fingers a chance to rest.

I: so in the chat he said "we will talk on thursday" n i said "i cant do that. n i know u cant either" n then i said this "damn yaar.. this is fucked up! idk where the flirting ends and reality begins anymore!!" n he said "Agreed it's getting fucked up ..... so either enjoy this or stop this ..... this between thing is insane" ok! again! i dont believe he's really interested. like really interested. if he wudnt be married, he wud actually date me. BTW he knows about BB. the whole story

NF: You don't believe he's really interested??? You mean like he'd marry you?

I: i never think its possible. not that he wud marry me. no no no

NF: That's pretty hard to tell. You guys are in the super excited phase.

I: hehehehe its crazy yeah

NF: He'd be VERY happy to jump your bones though.

I: i dont think he wud actually do it. theres no air conditioning or fan in the basement so we were sweating. he used his hanky, which i didnt even knew he carried

NF: I estimate a 99% chance that he would.

I: so he joked that lets sit in the back seat of his car n i said lets go!! i said it a couple of times. n he said nahhhh no no. he just didn’t

NF: You've said no more a couple of times and you kid all the time, so he knows you are kidding. If you actually kissed him, like he's thinking about, excellent chance he wouldn't stop.

I: idk how this is possible

NF: When you are used to having sex, once you get riled up you want to keep going. It feels natural. And you have him riled up. Way riled up.

I: hehehehehh so when u said "you charmer" i grinned... hehehe idk. i really like him. n im not that person where i enjoyed n i left without giving a damn. i really care about him

NF: You really like him

I: yeah. i wudnt mind kisisng him but he's married. and then i'll officially be the "other woman"

NF: You already are. You're way past that.

I: i think ive always been just that. now im ready to see him outside office. he was shocked,. i told him when he had called me. i texted him the reason why i changed my mind

NF: You feeling the flames yet?? Heh. Playing with fire! Unless you really do want to have an affair with this married guy.

I: I don't want to do something immoral. Don't want to sabotage his marriage

NF: You already are doing that.

I: I asked him today how is his wife okay with you traveling so much?! Cause I wouldn't be okay! N he didn't answer. He said he did flirt with women after he was married. Nothing scandalous. I told him, “damn yaar.. this is fucked up! idk where the flirting ends and reality begins anymore!!” And he said, “Agreed it's getting fucked up ..... so either enjoy this or stop this ..... this between thing is insane” What does he mean by 'between things'??

NF: You are all hot for each other but not having an affair. You have gone to way more than friends. So not friends, not lovers, something in between.

I: idk. Me? Relationship? Me lovers? What???????

NF: That's what I think he means by "between thing"

I: And what? What aboutBB? My feelings for him?! They haven't gone anywhere

NF: You and SZ are about 95% of the way to having an affair.

I: My mom called why I was late. N I said I was in the basement talking n she asked who was I talking to? So I said "hmmmmm SZ..." n she mimicked me. And that's my mom !!!! On top of everything. As if he's my 24 yo unmarried going to marry me boyfriend

NF: heh

I: He took a risk to talk to me for so long in the basement. Everybody knows him in the office. He's a family friend of the owner. He calls him uncle. Was telling me about the paintings the owner has in his bathroom!!

NF: I wish you well in this. I hope you figure out what you really want.

I: i want to have an affair but im scared to begin n of how it will end

NF: Some people regret what that will do to the wife. Some don't.

I: he responded n said "nothing. see you on thursday"

NF: He could have seriously mixed feelings too

I: He was telling me that he wrote this huge email to me n in reply I sent him a longer email than his so he came to that n he's like "and yes! That was a long email! That was the longest email ive ever seen!!" I said but you wrote a long one too. So he said "yeah but I'm in a hotel room. I'm in shorts, doing nothing but just writing to you n answering to GC's phone calls. But you're in office!!!!" He was surprised. He was like "I started reading n I'm like why isn't this ending?!! Where the hell does this end?" Heheheheh n he was laughing. when he had called today, he tells me that when he responds to my emails, there's my pic in the right. so his colleagues, with whom I also talk, have seen him emailing me. They probably have read a little bit here n there too. n thats when i knew how he wud feel if i told him that H sir n Kaalu knows we email n that Kaalu has read a few too. im not including you in this

NF: So now people in the office are thinking you two are having an affair? That might discourage your boss.

I: heheheeh. SZ said ppl have noticed that we two talk a lot. that GC's secretary gave him the eyes n also taunted him saying "pay attention to work n stop getting involved with women!" it makes sense bcz SZ n i have nothing in common. why wud we even start a conversation????

NF: Oh, no work reason to talk

I: thats what he loves about me. he had very few conversations with ppl around him n nobody could hold a conversation. even relating to work. n then there's me!! who spoke about all nonsense crap n still it was interesting