#ive got such a pattern in the types of movies i watch and its crazy

[crackedpumpkin]

Just wanted to pop by here to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! To those who celebrate and those who don't I hope you have a great day/night regardless.

If you're celebrating alone this year, feel free to pop a message in my inbox any time. I'm heading to bed now but I'll be more active on tumblr when I'm up :)

On a separate note, if you're going to be watching movies and all and you need any that aren't xmas themed, feel free to refer to the list below:

1. The Martian (he grows potatos on Mars it's cool okay)

2. Pirates of the Caribbean (Jack Sparrow need I say more)

3. The Hobbit trilogy (my love my life my adoration) (TOP RECC)

4. Shang Chi and the Ten (Seven?) Rings

5. Rush Hour (oldie but a goodie)

6. The Lego Ninjago Movie (I learnt how to sign LLOYD from this.)

7. Laputa/The Cat Returns (i grew up with studio ghibli)

Hope this list proves helpful^^

[bloopbyoop]

weep woop

ayo. ive read my scheduled email and its time for freewriting shit again. lmao. I want this post to be like a small light from a lit match stick inside a very hollow, icy, and numbing cave. (sounds cartoonish right? I know. Im obsessed with Adventure Time.) I want all people to be genuinely happy.  Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Upon reaching my 24th anniversary in this world, I finally learned how to truly embrace all my emotions. Some are more overwhelming than the other, but we have to heed in our treacherous yet perplexing minds that everything is fleeting and we are in control. The feeling of extreme sadness fades, but so does joyful states. Everything can change in a matter of minutes or years. You are in control of all your emotions. You are in control of all your life choices. Your actions. Your words. Your perspective. It feels weird to actually write about it. I've wanted to talk about it. I never wanted help from anyone as I firmly believed that I was alone. Sure, I have a family and friends, but it is hard to see that when your head is clouded with negativity. I've even come to the point where I was too overwhelmed, I found being physically hurt less painful. The pain I felt distracted me from what I was thinking. My mind tended to go bonkers. lmao. But bro, I was so good at concealing my bonkers mind. It's easy to fake any emotion that you have. Slap anything sunshine-y or happy to anything and people would believe you. It went on for years. Long story short, thousands of bracelets collected, it became worse. The physical pain could no longer withhold the emotional pain. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop thinking. And voila! I found a good amount of self help books (from tumblr) and novels. Novels that brought me to different places. Self-help books that made me understand what I feel and what to do. I've read that taking the easy way out will leave everyone sad. AND IN THE FIRST PLACEEEEEE, I NEVER WANT THATTTTTTT. I want everyone to be happy. I would act foolish and do dumb shit to make everyone happy in a heartbeat. So, that idea made me push a few more years. Later on, the crippling shit came crawling back again to my head, sooooooo I needed new shit to keep me distracted again. Films, series, music, and short clips from YouTube helped me out a lot. Every single time that my mind is going to think like anything that can think of, even to the point that I was just going to think that I might be hungry, I'd watch something. There's just something about silence for me. Because of this new habit of mine, I've learned more about myself. I love different types of things. I like horror. I like thriller. I like comedy. I like romance. I love all types of films, but there is something about the horror genre that interests me. I still can't point out what, but I love watching horror films. With regards to music, I've learned that I love Indie, Punk Rock, Rap, and Pop. We all can't like a specific genre. It's stupid to ask "what genre of music do you like?". It's not actually stupid-stupid, it's just stupid. Ya know? Anyway, passing this phase, I needed to find something again because it's not doing the shit that it was supposed to, I tried investing more time on video games. By investing more, I mean a whole shit lot. I love video games since I was young cuz.... u know.... they keep u... try to guess it! oh yeah. you got that right! distracted! I love the aggressive plays and trashtalks that my friends and I make. The short stories we tell one another. The rants. The lame jokes. The late night we sound drunk but we are not drunk jokes. The roleplays. The lame jokes. The memes. And once again, The lame jokes. Something about lame jokes and the laughs and curses after that always gets me every single time. Oh shoot. Yup Yup. Few years later, I finally noticed the pattern that my sadness is temporary. I got over it one way or the other (or another. depends on how you wanna read it. i dont wanna say another cause i might write about one direction like what im doing now so-). Happiness is temporary as well. But, we are the ones who are actually in control of our emotions. If you wanna feel sad, be sad for a while. You're getting too sad? Try hanging out with your funny friends. Can't do that? Find an alternative. Watch a movie, knit a sweater. Anything your mind could think of as long as it will keep you mentally distracted from being physically and mentally hurt. I do have a few notes though. We cannot and should never assume what people are going through. It may be petty for you, but it may be very crucial to them. So never everrrr say things like: -Some people have it worse than you -At least you have ..... These sheetsss are annoying as heckkk and could really down someone. I know it is not your intention to annoy but people react differently. alsooooooo, it is not okay or normal to hate on things for bandwagon. that is just plainly crazy and stupid. let people enjoy things. anddddddd never suppress your emotions. admit what you feel inside and try to think of a way to resolve ittttt. keeping it to yourself will just make it worseeeeee. find your own outlettttttttt. hihihi ️ alsooooo. being more spiritually full with God's words and ideas really help me to be spiritually happy. ps. im christian but i dont discredit other religion and even applaud other religion's ideas and beliefs. this is a really long, selfish post so i might as well recommend some things I like : Songs with their lyrics that made me go through life. “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” -All These Things That I've Done, The Killers “It's not too late, I'm still right here” -Breaking Your Own Heart, Kelly Clarkson "And the salt in my wounds / Isn't burning any more than it used to / It's not that I don't feel the pain / It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore / And the blood in these veins / Isn't pumping any less than it ever has / And that's the hope I have / The only thing I know that's keeping me alive" -Last Hope, Paramore “There is not a single word in the whole world / That could describe the hurt / The dullest knife just sawing back and forth / And ripping through the softest skin there ever was / How were you to know?” -Hate to See Your Heartbreak, Paramore "It's holding on, though the road's long / And seeing light in the darkest things And when you stare at your reflection / Finally knowing who it is / I know that you'll thank God you did" -1800, Logic "Did some things you can't speak of / But at night you live it all again / You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now / If only you had seen what you know now then" -Innocent, Taylor Swift (My bb) "10 months sober, I must admit / Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it / 10 months older, I won't give in / Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it // Rain came pouring down when I was drowning / That's when I could finally breathe / And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean" -Clean, Taylor Swift “I guess I always knew / That I had all the strength to make it through.” -Believe in Me, Demi Lovato "I'm addicted to the madness / I'm a daughter of the sadness / I've been here too many times before / Been abandoned and I'm scared now / I can't handle another fallout / I am fragile, just washed upon the shore / They forget me, don't see me / When they love me, they leave me" -I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, Demi Lovato “I'm overwhelmed / I need a voice to echo / I need a light to take me home / I need a star to follow / I don't know” -Nightingale, Demi Lovato "I'm a walking travesty / But I'm smiling at everything. // Arrogant boy, Love yourself so no one has to." -Therapy, All Time Low "I tried it once before but I didn't get too far / I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart. / But maybe I'm alive 'cause I didn't really wanna die / But nothing very special ever happens in my life / Take the blade away from me I am a freak, I am afraid that / All the blood escaping me won't end the pain / And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me / I died to be the white ghost / Of the man that I was meant to be" -Ghost, Badflower "Are the pieces of you / In the pieces of me? / I'm just so scared / You're who I'll be / When I erupt / Just like you do / They look at me / Like I look at you" -DNA, Lia Marie Johnson Movies and series to try : -The Perks of Being a Wallflower (The book is bomb af. if yall havent tried, ur missing out) -The Kings of Summer -Never Let Me Go -The Art of Getting By -Silver Linings Playbook -Winter’s Bone -The Lovely Bones (The script. The words) -Me and Earl and the Dying Girl -American Horror Story -Black Swan

pps. remember that every one has their own pace and point of view. don’t push yourself too hard, and don’t overthink. give yourself time, and respect all your emotions. analyze them but not more than like 5 minutes as anything beyond that might cause you to overthink and be sadder. and sad is not rad. hehe. you got this. you got you. self love is the best even though it can be tricky to do. nobody else is like you. you’re the only one of you (i just remembered me.......... i might have hummed it while typing it mid sentence). consider other people’s opinion but do not let it cloud your own judgement as you know yourself best. dont let other comment’s define you. spread love. vibe people you vibe with. ayeeee lets go!!! 

ppps this is my last post bc im happier now and know myself better. i no longer limit myself on the age that I want. I want to live as long as how God wants me to be. hehe. 

x :D

[lovepsalmblog-blog]

Ugh

Had a talk with my roommate while smoking a cigarette on the porch after some of the same things Ive been talking about happened again, let him know I was still considering getting a lawyer, passively. I really dont need anymore harassment since coming back from apartment hunting in New York and refocusing. He always responds in a cavalier tone, as if I wont actually sue him for added pressure on me just trying to live. I have three roommates here, doing the absolute most I guess to make me crack or blow up...I did already once on one, trying to figure out why all of the craziness.

In retrospect, I guess he just might idealize the Joker from Batman, but I bet he couldnt make a counselor blush just by looking at her in a hospital....I can mark that tally. And I still choose to be a decent person. And I try to be humble, and return to the decent person I was before everything went all nuts.

Ive been watching Highlander before I go to sleep. Its always been one of my favorites since I like knights and swords, and I share the same name as the lead actor...I come outside after he goes, to inquire about a loud bang nearby, and the dude is wearing a trench coat, almost like connor in the movie. If I wasnt trying to keep a clean record, I probably would have punched him already.

This is my life now. Not high adventure, not finding a woman to be with after not having one for so long, but mental battles with an ex friend that does not know when to quit. Ive matured and I really am starting to blossom at the age of 29, and all I have is people trying really hard to hold me back. Even friends, which hurts the most.

Ill get my day in court. I already have enough proof of harassment taking place in this house, which is pretty concrete...extra banging while im trying to sleep, his ex girlfriend that is still friends with him trying to add me on facebook (probably a spy), Ive already had to switch three jobs since coming back here...this is way less than me not paying rent (which a lawyer would advise me to do anyway), grabbing leftovers and sipping drinks (my way of returing being passive agressive), and passively letting him know that if any harm was to come to me, that there would be repercussions for sure. Im tired of this fool trying to ruin my good times, because he cant hold a girlfriend for too long without them finding out that he exaggerates stories, because I am actually a gentleman and always has been despite some mistakes, because I was the one that told our other best friend that he stole her girlfriend while he was crying in my room (some years ago) after he paraded said girl in front of me one day like it was NO BIG DEAL. It was all probably planned anyway, because said girl came over and seduced me as well (see the pattern here?) I will have my girl and my life, when I find it, and I will not stop until I do. Ill respect an asshole, but not one with no merit whatsoever.

Considering his background in computers, it might be a open and shut case, (Ive used a packet sniffer to capture data coming in and out of my laptop, screen captured all ips connected to the router here, and looked up remote viewing on android phones and windows) I also contacted a couple of private eyes to get prices on sweeping my room for hidden cameras and microphones, since everyone around knows what I look up for some reason, and I still encounter moments where ill type and he'll have a spoon or something and tap once every time I type a letter, or open and shut a door whenever I move one inch in my room, whether im in sight of a window or not, more likely not, or casually bring up topics related to what I looked up the previous night. I cant even research what I want to, because im not letting steal my ideas, especially for his own stupid purposes. Ive stolen maybe one three chord progression in my whole life, and from not even him (hes only just started playing instruments since I started a band here, since I got back after almost dying in venice). Im trying to protect parts of my identity that make me special, and others are trying to take credit for it, which is not good. Hes got my other roommate doing it too, which is inconvienient, because his room is next to mine. Im trying to be like Dr King, and I have a bootleg Lex Luthor (compairing E and J to hennessy) holding me down. I'm wondering just how long this guy, or my group of friends have been doing

Seriously, this is a guy that used to start singing a completely different tune everytime I started to sing when we were younger. Every. Time. Sounds like sabotage to me. Sounds like someone that needs to work on his personal problems a bit.

I hate to be putting my business out there like this, but with all considering, Im glad I did. Have to have some defense against everyone taking pictures of me next to women, or guys setting up conversations to make me look bad, because the game has changed. I dont like gossip, but I am high profile now, not so regular. This is defense.