#ive got some stuff ready for this month and im v happy about that bc i havent been posting/creating much

[thatsgonnaleaveamark]

whumptober 2023 - day 1 ↳ drugging (alt prompt) The Continental 1x01

[magnoliamyrrh]

oh and like. last thing ill say on here bc i have to go back to doing school stuff and later tonight ill answer the v sweet messages yall send me (thank u 🧡)

but since ive been talking a lot abt psychadelics and the good and bad parts of them, i should probably say that psychadelics arent exactly a "fast track" or magic thing to reaching spiritual enlightenment or something

yes, it happens very often that even hard-line atheists will take shrooms or acid and have some life-changing experience and from that point on believe in divinity or the oneness of everything or become rather spiritual and religious, or that ppl will turn their entire lives around for the better. yes, you can have experience which make you very much feel, see, and become the oneness of everything - ego death moments when you understand oneness of god to a crazy level; others say they have seen crazy glimpses of the face of god. yes, im pretty sure that - despite not really believing in this concept before - psychadelics showed me what is meant by the idea of eternal death and rebirth, and what it means to kill your ego and be freed from the cycle; moksha. yes i understand religious teachings infinately better than i did before, even tho ive been obsessed with theology since i was a little kid, and when i reached my preteens i really got into studying it. yes they can make you much more empathetic and open and also theres a chance if you didnt before, youll start believing in things like telepathy or asteal projection or animism afterwards. yes, they can remove the fear of death from you, you can understand what it is to "die before you die" as the sufis say. yes, they can probably prepare you for what death may be like

..... but thats not like,,,, "reaching enlightenment" per say. firstly each intense psych. experience like that, you should spend some weeks, months, or years pondering on and integreating into your personality and life. and the true spiritual enlightenment is being able to live your life, consistently, by those teachings, experience, and moments - which is hard, and requires much patience, wisdom, sacrifice, willingness, and the further acquisition of knowledge. god damn even after all these years and how strong my conviction is about many things, i still v much struggle with this, i am no shaman or mystic or guru. i still struggle with hopelessness, desperation, ego, i forget what was taught and spiral again ... id also say, similarly, true spiritual enlightenment is afterwards being able to reach and understand such states outside of the help of psychadelics

.......... and i think its something to be careful with too. you know that idea from hinduism - not the new age crap the actual idea - of kundelini awakening? of what happens when the divine energy and power which flows through you - is awakened suddenly, but before youve really reached the ability to be able to handle it spirituality? it is said it can drive you mad, drive you insane (frankly deep divine experiences will drive anyone a little insane tho, inevitable, psychadelics or not), that it can make your body hurt and ache and collapse under it, because it is not ready, it is too much, too fast..... there are those who say this has very much happened or is happening to them, and it can be very hard. this concept very much applies

not in all cases, but in some. deep psychadelic experiences, spiritual of divine ones, sometimes they do not feel gentle at all. sometimes they do, for some, and i am happy for them. but they can be painful, terrifying, beautiful, loving, but it can feel like being burned alive to be clensed while simultaneously feeling healed and protected, or like having every atom in your body ripped apart and spread across time and space - guess thats why kali is portrayed as being so terrifying.... it can indeed be hard to handle

ay, as i said before, theyre not snake oil. theyre not a one time magic pill fix everything. psychadelics are a tool which may help you, but they require and demand much personal effort, work, care and deep respect

[ironghoul]

(hey yall)

(So its been a while and im v sorry ive been away so long!!!! ;; my mental health has crashed and gotten really, really bad over the past few months (my bipolar disorder+manic depression in specific) and its been very hard for me to function on a daily basis, and unfortunately the act of writing things, from general messages to RP posts to fic to ecen this post, has become very VERY hard for me bc of the brainfog I endure from my bipolar 2. My ghost muse in general has also kind of gone to sleep in a sense LMAO and i cant be 100% certain as to why it did, though i have some p clear ideas on what at least contributed (from the state of this fanbase being, to put it bluntly, complete Scheiße and also i got super into the Suspiria remake anskdkdshusjdj). Im making this post today bc a) i honestly really miss this blog a lot and b) i wanna get back into rping again...really bad. Im just not really sure of what my brain is gonna do next and how capable of keeping up w replies im gonna be bc of that ;; so I dont wanna rush into smthn I cant dedicate to again yet nor like.....push myself back into RPing if im not ready yknow???

I have however had a couple thoughts abt Irons character recently, and esp after having so much time away from her, ive begun to realize that I might want to change quite a few big things about her???? After thinking abt it some ive come to realize that im not really sure that like....i want to keep her so much how she is now, which is still very coherent and humanlike with a few inhuman traits here and there, so just super fucking depressed and angry and grieving all of the time, etc. For one, I honestly had more of the intention when I first made Iron to make her wayyyy more feral than I have been depicting her in my RPs, and as well, idk if its just a moodswing or something or other but I have found myself growing very weary of iron's horrible neuroses and constant sadness; maybe ive just been through too much recently or its my mental health but Im so sick of having this character just be literally so horribly fucked up and tragic and sad all the time yknow??? Like im just...im weary lmao i dont seem to have the perserverance anymore to have that be her set character bc like its starting to hurt me too at this point and im sick of it, and so what Ive been thinking about in specific is that I think I would like to make some kind of marginal changes to her character. I always ended up forgetting to make iron more feral and animalistic most of the time bc i myself am a...human LMAO and so thats the only life experience i know, obviously, and I think i was so afraid when I first made her to make her meaner or more monstrous bc she might not have really "fit in" well with everyone elses OCs and also I was afraid ppl just wouldn't wanna interact w her if she was Too Mean ahsjdnbdhdhsk but now at this point i think im ready to say fuck that to all of that bc Ive definitely learned now that yall will really interact w just about any character with any personality type or behavior or whatnot, and also, i think it would not only make iron more interesting but more fun for me to write if she was more of a....you know...Awful Gremlin LMFAO and life is short, OCs and RPing were made for fun too and i dont have Time to worry abt that stuff and end up having to sacrifice half of my preferred vision for this character in the process. So basically i think she would definitely still be pretty sad abt Papa 3 but she abolutely wouldnt be constantly haunted and tortured by it anymore, and I also think I want to remove that whole little tidbit abt her always being kind of violent post-ghoulification, even before 3 died. She would also act a lot less human on a regular basis, like i would have her still being perfectly capable of walking upright, talking, being neat and having critical/articulate thinking skills & emotions etc, however there would be a new quality to her of her primarily being, well, again: feral. Not speaking much, probably running around barefoot quite often and sometimes crawling/moving around on all fours, having that sort of primal timidness with whatever new things she experiences, putting things in her mouth off the ground that shouldnt be there, etc you know how it is. She would basically be like fucking Spongegar (Irongar if u will) most of the time LMAO but again she would still be perfectly capable of acting more "humanlike", and staying in line with that Iron Brand Personality(tm) she would absolutely pick and choose who she would decide to act more 'composed' around VS who she wouldnt and would also definitely purposefully act way More feral than she rly is around (to spite some of them im sure). She would probably be more prone to (gasp) Actually Smiling and being happy on a reg basis too, not just being this dark cloud of an awkward troubled depressing fuck tbh. Which fits in more with how im thinking I want to portray her now.

So thats all that, sorry this went on so long and i cant put it under a readmore bc im currently on mobile ahsjdjdjdndjd but like i hope i said what i needed to say well enough. I also wanna know yalls (esp my mutual RP partners!) Thoughts and Onions on the changes I might make to Irons character!!! Ty all, ily 💙💙💙)

[saintkimora]

here is how my last date went w joel (once again i have mixed feelings about it) plus how things are going now

so i saw him the other night. i got there and it was him marissa and lindsey as usual but they also had their friends moshe and adiena there. so that was kinda awkward (for me at least). they were all just sitting around talking and moshe and joel were playing mario kart on the switch and then joel made everyone watch like category is, read u wrote u, the s8 and 9 finale lip syncs, and the alyssa edwards drop dead gorgeous mix. it was kinda awkward bc the others werent really into it after the first 2 videos (except marissa legend) so i was getting secondhand embarrassment but it was still fun i guess since i got to sit next to my man

BUT then things took a turn for the worst bc joel made some attempt to include me in the group conversation. i got so sweaty instantly and i was wearing a tank so i was like fuck! nothing to cover it up. so yeah eventually moshe and adiena left and it was just us the 4 sisters again

marissa started vacuuming and lindsey was showing us some books she has. then they both went to their rooms and it was just me and joel. he said chris was still in his room playing tekken 7 on his ps4 and he didnt wanna kick him out yet so we stayed in the living room and he made me watch the great british bake off with him and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring omg like this is what yall call a competition? it was not intense at ALL literally flop shows only

then eventually we went into his room and he kicked chris out (after playing one round w him) so it was just us. this is where the date got enjoyable

one of the things he did was he started talking to me about his opinions on like race and stuff currently in america. and his opinions were all p good except for a few so that was fine. it was nice i guess to have like a serious convo w him i guess

THEN he referenced something from his childhood and i didnt know what it was obv so he was like “ive never told you the story of my childhood??” so he told me and oh my gosh it was so SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD omg im not gonna put all his business on here but it was such a sad story and i felt so bad for him and i wished i met him years ago so i couldve been there for him through all of it. but yeah it was v unfortunate i was like shocked like he seriously could not catch a break and he explained to me how the things from back then affect him to this day w like his anxiety for example and yeah. like obv i wasnt happy to hear about all those sad things but i was happy that he told me bc it made me feel closer to him

now for the part i DIDNT like. so at one point he somehow tried to talk to me about what celebrities and porn stars we think are hot. i did not want to have this conversation bc it feels pointless for me bc i dont keep up w celebrities and plus like the guy im with is always the #1 hottest guy for me so i dont feel the need to lust after celebs and porn stars. but whatever he was insistent on talking about this so we did. and the part that made me feel :/ was that none of the guys looked like me. like literally all the celebrities and porn stars he listed literally looked NOTHING like me whatsoever. like i didnt have a SINGLE thing in common w any of these guys. so to hear him going on and on about how hot these guys are and how they could have him any day and stuff was just kinda deflating to me bc they were all like the complete opposite of me in terms of looks. like they were all super buff daddy types and i have like 0 muscles and i dont really have strong chiseled features either. like i know im prob being oversensitive/too competitive but idk it just made me uncomfortable

and then when i told him all my faves it was different bc he did have a lot in common w all the guys i mentioned. he was like “im noticing a pattern here” and hes right, like if i did have a “”type” he would probably be it. i personally dont like talking about hot guys w any guy im currently with bc for me its like if the guy im with is all heart eyes emoji about another guys looks then obv im gonna look at this guy and compare myself to him which is not something i want to do since most of the time the other guys have me beat. so i dont bring up guys i find hot for the same reason bc i wouldnt want the guy im with to feel insecure or inadequate or contribute to a negative body image or something. i know not all people think like this and lots of people are perfectly fine w admiring other guys w their s/o but for me its just not something i like to do

so that was the worst part. it made me feel kinda empty the next day (in the moment it wasnt as bad, it was uncomfortable but it wasnt until later that i realized that i really did not look like these guys at all). actually i think this convo happened before the childhood convo. but anyways after all those convos that is when we fooled around

so this time it was fun! first he had me teasing his hole w my dick. its mildy pleasant to me but he like loves it lol. then he did the same to me but his dick was like lubed up from when i was jerking him off beforehand and it really felt like his dick was THIS close to slipping into my hole omg i was nervous i was like if he moves his hips slightly too much im literally gonna lose my virginity LMAO but it was still fun! he ended up cumming on my hole which i honestly didnt mind bc it was easier to clean since its less surface area than say my stomach or something

then i jerked myself off while he kissed me and played w my nipples and stuff since thats still my preferred way to cum. it was nice and then we showered together afterwards. and i forgot to mention it but a few dates ago we showered together for the first time which was super fun!! that time i sucked/jerked him off in the shower until he came. this time we had already cum so we just cleaned ourselves 

then we went to sleep. we woke up and got ready and i got to see him eat breakfast! he had cereal and he looked soooooooo cute omg and then we left his apartment together, then parted ways bc i had to go to my car and he was going to the bus stop down the street. he left bc he is visiting his family back home bc he needs to get some documents to do something for fafsa and he wont be back until wednesday. and i leave on thursday so rip we just have one more chance to see each other 

so that was that! also on the date before that we played this really fun game together called lovers in a dangerous spacetime and i had so much fun! omg we were such gaymers

so yeah thats it! one more date before we have to be apart for a month. im really sad about it actually like ive been getting really emotional over it. like im gonna miss him but also hes kinda going through a difficult time in his life right now and it makes me feel really bad that i wont be able to be there for him in person when he needs me. and ofc im still worried he might meet someone else, like a month is a long time so its v possible for him to forget/lose interest and try to find a new man instead. and these gay apps are location based obv so he could be reinstalling grindr or something and i would have no idea since im so many miles away!!! i doubt he would but again i didnt think caleb would do that either and i was wrong on that so im not trusting my own judgment anymore

im gonna try to enjoy greece but im gonna miss him a LOT and i just hope hes able to hold himself together while im gone since i wont be here to comfort him since im gonna be on another continent. if he does meet someone else im gonna be really sad about it but i am gonna try to be optimistic about it and ill still be able to text him like every day so its gonna suck but it could be worse i guess

[claytonkkeller]

Yessssss please link (◠‿◠✿) thx love

ok sorry it took me sol ong i was at work lmao 

“obviously Varly is a great goalie. Every time he made a push, he was thinking about his groin tearing. People gave him some heat for the way he played, but when you feel like you’re going to tear your groin every time you make a save, you feel bad for the guy. He’ll be back next year healthy” -Nate x

“The Avs are hoping Varlamov’s two recent hip surgeries — designed to end his groin muscle problems — lead to him becoming an elite goalie again. They have no other choice. He’s untradeable and even if he were exposed in the expansion draft the Golden Knights wouldn’t take him.”  x

“I’m sure the problem is behind and then I’m looking forward to get a fresh start in September. I’m going to be ready, for sure, 100 percent.” - Varly x

“There’s lots of rumors going on right now, in the NHL, about trade this guy, trade that guy, trade everybody,” Varlamov said. “Nobody’s happy about this season. Of course, I’ve heard the rumors too, but it’s just the rumors. I want to play for this team, I want to play for this organization, and I’m really happy about what we’ve done in the past — not in this year, but in past years. So I’m just looking forward to make a fresh start in September.” - varly x

idk if wanted this link or not but ive read it about 15 times trying to find stuff about v*rly

“Sakic hired Bednar two weeks after Patrick Roy‘s surprise resignation. The 45-year-old Bednar has two seasons remaining on his contract, and Sakic said he hadn’t changed his mind about his coach returning.” x  

so regardless of what everyone says about jared being a bad coach, hes coming back next year for a re do. which i think is good bc he got the short end of the stick this season being hired a month before training camp. 

there u go my dude im posting this public just in cse other people wanted to know about the articles??? also i only follow like 1 writer for the avs so all my shit is from the denver post lmao 

[autumnaljehan]

some june thoughts

because june has possibly been the most cleansing month of my entire life:

- june started out with going to a party at a friends house where my friends and i got to chill at a park during the prettiest hours of the afternoon i swear im going to have that picture of my lovely friends frozen in time with the sunlight illuminating their smiles stuck in my head forever. we also took cute pictures and danced like idiots and it was just this nice feeling of being carefree and being surrounded by people you care about

- i started my job as a summer camp counselor!! was v nervous that these little kids would kick my ass but i genuinely love my job. some of the kids are so sweet and i receive numerous hugs every time i show up to work. i feel blessed

- i also walk to and from work every day and any time i mention this to someone they’re like “aw that sucks :((” but its like a 15-20 min walk and its so nice especially when i work mornings and get off at 9:30! its really relaxing and i get to get in some exercise and its also good me time because im not distracted by anything and i get to just think about things. its very therapeutic i love walks

- a friend and i decided to do a spontaneous concert because we were so starved for live music! literally found the show and the tickets like 3 days before and we didn’t know the band until then. i looked up their setlist though and memorized all of their songs in time. anyways, we didnt even get there early but ended up being barricade and it was so so so fun?? been working on doing whatevers fun without worrying about others judgement for a while and i really let go at this one i was surprised with myself? i was jamming like crazy and ive been cut out of every crowd picture thats been posted i think i was going a little too hard and it wasnt cute lmao. anyway i need to go to another concert asap bc this was such a blast

- i bought THE cutest yellow floral dress and its so summery and so me and ive never been so excited to wear something!! i went to get bubble tea in it and i was really feelin myself that day

- went to another friend’s party and things were off to a rocky start but i ended up having some really good conversations with friends and it was actually really fun! i just really dig the soft afternoon sunlight vibe at these parties and how chill it is god damn

- went to another concert with the same concert friend and the show itself was pretty....less than mediocre but we ended up having a total blast afterwards and im just. really fulfilling that summer aesthetic this year and ive had so many moments where i felt carefree and happy and ive felt like this trying new things and its! wowowow

- signed up for fall classes so thats one more weight off of my back u know

- i found out my cousin is coming to visit in july! its going to be her very first time in america and im yelling bc this has been such a dream since we were kids and i was never expecting it to happen for financial and personal reasons but she is coming and i am so ready! cant wait to introduce her to everything i love about my home

-ive also had time to look for new music since its summer and!!! ive been addicted to flor and early eyes! ive also made a playlist of all of these small bands i just found. ive also got around to listening to COIN’s old stuff and holy wow oh no is the jam of the century yall. early eyes has also been interacting with me on social media and like 👌👌👌👌👌👌

this month was filled with so many moments where you know while its happening that its A Moment and something you’re going to look back on with a feeling of nostalgia (im constantly talking about this but im honest to god obsessed with this feeling)? it was also a month where i really got to exercise self love and letting go of negativity and not caring about what others think because im happy and doing my best and thats all that matters and honestly? 2017 has been such a time of growth for me but this is the best ive ever been? it feels good to love yourself and love life and im determined to make july even better!!!!!