#ive got brain worms i gotta do something to get the out!!

[youlooksogoodinblue]

Soo i have dnd brain rot and i havent been able to play in a while(like for years :[ ) so here r the fob albums as dnd classes and subclasses(not including eowyg and eps and stuff). this is honestly for a niche audience of just me.

TTTYG

Tttyg is an arcane trickster rogue. Tttyg is teen angst perfectly captured in an album in my humble opinion(and what suits that edge better than a rogue!) Tttyg registers as more of a martial class than a magic user but could utilize both, and definitely something more agility/dexterity based than pure strength.

FUTCT

Futct is a bard through and through, an edgy bard but a bard nonetheless. I think college of eloquence subclass. The lyrics in this album are a major highlight and the way they r delivered is just so good(its my fav album so i may be biased). The lyrics of futct is some of the most biting and/or horny of all of fobs discography.

Ioh

Definitely a druid, idk if its too derivative but maybe circle of stars? Of the pre-hiatus albums it feels the most grounded and like grown to me, which gives more druidic healer energy than anything else. This is mostly vibes based lol

Folie à deux

WARLOCK. FIEND PATRON. This is the one i feel the strongest about. Like the themes of fame and like disillusionment with it gives total deals with a devil/ monkeys paw kind of vibe that a warlock pact brings. And also vibes are right, argue with the wall

SRAR

Okay im not super certain for this one but as soon as the thought came in my brain it felt right, originally i thought barbarian, a specifically tanky one but the vibes were off bc this album feels very light, adaptive, and nimble while also feeling like sturdy. Way of the long death monk just fits the vibes in my brain so much better. Like it still can be used more defensively and the temp hp touch of death and the ki to hp thing gives off reborn/ not broken up just on break/ rise from the ashes come back vibes.

AB/AP

This is definitely a barbarian to me. Berserker or giant? Just this feels like a big strong person who can tank and deal alot of damage, and also while this album doesnt really have that much rage compared to other albums the angry harsher songs hit harder bc of that reason, you feel me? Also no disrespect this album would mainly thrive in battle is the vibe i get.

Mania

Wild magic sorcerer. Yeah. Of all the albums this feels like a magic user, simultaneously innate/natural yet unpredictable/uncontrollable. Fits the vibe of the reception of the album, a tone that felt out of left field yet still them.

SM(F)S

Once again maybe too derivative but twilight domain cleric? This album is the most healed in my brain so its definitely more of a healer and defender in my brain. Just the vibes, if this were a party, smfs would definitely be the parent figure and being a cleric fits that sort of energy sometimes.

I could also see this album as a divination wizard.

[bi-bats]

hello!! i was just wondering, since the damitim fic is ongoing, does this mean know yourself updates are slowed/paused? (not a complaint i’m loving both!!)

Hiya!! Sorry that I never give easy answers 😂

So yes, Know Yourself updates are slower (not paused or on hiatus!! I am working on it still), but it's not because of the DamiTim fic.

I've been writing Know Yourself for over a year now (even though I haven't been posting it that long) and I'm just struggling with getting the words on the page to be what I want them to be. The plot is sorted out and I'm content with what I'm going to make happen, but also when I think about the fic my brain starts to feel the way my eyes do when I stare at a screen too long 😂 so I'm trying to be patient with myself and let myself take my time with it instead of pushing something out that I'm really not happy with, because 1) I think it'll show, 2) I'll just burn myself out, and 3) if I treat it like a chore it'll never get finished.

Also I've realized (post-jaytimweek) that I prefer writing in present tense, it makes everything feel more natural to me and I can control some writing things like timing and flow a little better and I WROTE OVER 100K WORDS IN PAST TENSE FOR THAT FIC AND I'M NOT FUCKING SWITCHING NOW!!!! SO I GUESS I GOTTA FINISH IT IN PAST TENSE!!!!

And also we're at the point in the plot of Know Yourself where I'm really stepping on the gas on the number of things happening per chapter, and the chapters are overwhelmingly long. And I would love to simply be more brief, but everything happening is relevant to the plot, so. Sigh.

Now, the DamiTim fic.

That one is just going up because that fic is happening to me. I can't prevent that fic from occurring. I would love to think about something else, actually! That boy is so unwell! But that's what I'm feeling inspired about and lately I've only been able to write when something worms into my brain and I have to put it on the page immediately no matter where I am or what I'm doing (I have a newish manager who doesn't know how to write a schedule, so I'm currently on day 7 of a ten day stretch of work where I only had one day off, which I had to spend doing all my chores and then hosting D&D. So basically, gone are the days off where I could just sit at my computer and write for a day 😭😭😭).

Also, Ive been having problems with Know Yourself since May, but the DamiTim fic is just fucking pouring out of me fugue state style. My brain hasn't latched onto DamiTim and released Know Yourself in favor of it, it's that the claws of Know Yourself began to unsink from my flesh like, 2 months ago and DamiTim saw its chance. Like, this isn't about to be a cute analogy, but I feel like I'm vomiting out the DamiTim fic because it's a virus. It can't be in my brain anymore okay? I need it out. And it feels like a shame to have like, almost 40k words of it written and just sitting in my drafts when I could be updating it (which I'm sure you appreciate if you're loving that one too 😂), and it has the added benefit of yall knowing I haven't abandoned the fandom/preventing yall from thinking that something horrible has happened to me!

Tldr/to reiterate: yes I'm slowing down on Know Yourself, but it's not because of any of the other chaptered fics I'm working on.

Anyways, sorry this got long and ranty, I think I needed to vent all this out anyways so thank you for giving me a chance to do that!! And also thank you for phrasing your ask the way you did, I really appreciate you specifying that you're not complaining 😂 this is a valid question (that did not upset me but could've if the phrasing was different) and I didn't feel pressured so thank you!!! Ily anon 💕💖💚

[twiggyart6]

collecting short funny things to write under fanart of characters you really love

please feel free to add more thank you :3

(this is long as shit be prepared)

ough

looking at them

my friend :)

mwehehe

augh

I can't believe this

brain blasted

what a little freak

do you even care

be so fucking for real

your kidding

what a weirdo

a wonderous creature

consider this

from my personal collection

what the

I'm so normal

I'm not normal

why are they like that

evil swag

TEEHEE

I'm gonna frow up

yeah this is pretty cool

pretty fucked up dog

have you seen this?

my beautiful princess

I'm ill

oh good heavens!

my son. he has every disease

this shit aint nothin to me man

I laurve them

yoink

just a little bit. as a treat

tell them to stop

me when I GET you

MY GUY

the psychic worm (wohwohwohwohw)

good lord

cuteness aggression towards them

what the fuck ever

im feeling something

sigh

me when the

GRRAAAHH

im fucking serious

love it when they appear

its becoming unhealthy

go white boy go!

your never gonna believe this

worst guy ive ever seen

their just so ... drawable

sorry guys

i saw it in a dream

she is very gorgeous to me!

i see them when i close my eyes

my little scrungle

be so fucking for real

i can do whatever i want

bitch

yeah

my baby girl

my little kitty meow meow

they've done something to me

i gotta get outa here

yep

my favorite white man

dude!?

full of joy a whimsy

going cray cray!

well....

erm

heyy gurl wasup

she is beuty she is grace

aaaaanything could happen

just like me fr

its time

yahoo!

divine retribution

yay!!

so was foretold in the prophecy

their so ... woah

yessir

god. fucking. damn.

they understand me

you are not immune to propaganda

Explodes character with mind

Forgive me

I would tell them my most depraved thoughts

for the win!

my treasure my beloved

awesome

oh yeah woo yeah

thats it thats the post

this above all else

-INHALE-

had to get it out of my system

you absolute baby buffoon

but make it epic

dont question it

gay baby jail

mwah <3

i want to make them into bread

no guys you don't get it

i got nervous

every fuckin time man

[puts face in hands and groans loudly]

no way

DONT DO THIS TO MEEEEE

take a deep breath

stupid little bow wow

cringeposting once again

abandon society, embrace insanity

god has let me draw another day

had to do it

changed my brain chemistry

so the thing is-

im going to make you so girlfail

pathetic wet cat

guys.

their neat idk

or something like that

ATTENTION!!

i have the disease and its terminal

shrimply amazing!

hits you with the beam

smile :)

send help

oh hi didn't see you there

no i will not elaborate

the creature is demonic in nature

i think there's something wrong with them

i think there's something wrong with me

its fine

woah woah woah

do you even realize what you've done

very cool

do you see my vision

whatever the fuck this is called

the strugler

interesting..

oh i got you dont worry

nobody move

character on the brain always and forever

#1 hater

funny you should say that

nature is healing

imagine a guy. now imagine them again

ooo mama

get drawn idiot

get obsessed over idiot

if only they were real

post this character instantly

your honor i need them

ive got some notes

A juicy morsel

I want to push them down the stairs

They wouldn’t dare

(Eyes wide and mouth frothing) yeah!

my beautiful wife <3

[abysmalklown]

little vent idk

im a loser, ive spent my summer so far brooding in my anger at my stepdad and laying awake at night because since quitting smoking i need something to entertain me so sleep deprivation is my answer, i got this slow ass computer and have it decked out to look as close to gamzees as possible because im nothing if not my source.

im going to a pride picnic on the 15th but i have to avoid all triggers so one of the worms dont take front, also that will be one of the last fun things i do since because of my mental decline ive fluncked 7th grade so i gotta do summer school.

i also might have something seriously wrong with my head/brain...wont know till the doctors appointment, i have this little fear its cancer because of family history, lost my grandma on the 9th of september 2022 to brain cancer, and some other shit its very possible that i could have/get cancer, im not saying i have it im just fearful.

ive been declining, i stoped painting and i hardly draw anymore, i dont go cd hunting anymore (my biggest hobby) i dont read, i dont rp as much,i dont skateboard,i dont play roblox much (just today i played regretavator for the first time in a while), im hardly even active here, all i do is talk to my girlfriend and watch movies and youtube. im a fucking loser

i let ghb front a lot when im offline so i dont gotta face this shit and can just brood while his old ass does....whatever it is he does

im so motherfuckin tired

[troop52]

do u !!! have any character theme songs for the troop boys? Like any songs you think really fits them (and why u think it fits)?

THATS A GREAT QUESTION!!

Before I get into it Im going to plug this collaborative Troop Playlist on Spotify, feel free to add onto it!! Continuing with my picks

I think a lot of the songs I associate with The Troop in general are just because I happened to listen to them around the same time I got into the book in the first place (So they could only be tangentially related BUT only if you squint hard) Example: Drunk by The Living Tombstone, cant really tie it into the story but in my mind its linked Some better, more fitting songs under the cut (Side note its LONGGG IM SORRY... Also its all YouTube links because some of these arent on Spotify :'^()

Disclaimer -Like 95% of my choices arent really a "These lyrics match up exactly 1 to 1" but more of an overall "the vibe/general idea its trying to capture lines up" type thing. If that makes sense.

Its Alright by Jack Stauber: Kind of self explanatory, I think its a perfect song for these guys. From "It's alright, I'm here, Everything's alright, Feels weird but calm, I wanna hear It's alright" to the whole sound of it- its all great. Equal parts distressing and sad with an almost eerie calmness to it. Despite it all theyre gonna be alright, right?

The Second Little Piggy by Worthikids: Another one that I think is sort of self explanatory- at least with the chorus. "If my brain turns to mush, If the shit hits the fan, Will you be my friend?" Kind of the falling apart of everything, specifically their relationships, in light of the incident.

Poor George by James Supercave: Another case of "listened to at the same time I read the book" BUT I was actually making a Troop PMV script with that song. I never finished it but maybe Ill revisit it... just for you

Cold Summer by Le Matos ft Computer Magic: I dont even think this takes place in the summer but the VIBES and also it came from Summer of 84, which is another good piece of murder boy media.

Treehouse by Alex G ft Emily Yacina: This is a Eef and Max type of song because they are bffs and thats final. Basic song because Im not creative, but I think its a nice heart to heart theyd have (with Eef doing the talking)

Fifteen Minuets by Nick Krol: On the flipside heres a song that goes with Eef and Maxs friendship fracturing, once again more from Eefs side than Maxs. THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGG

As far as songs for the boys as individuals hmmm thats a good one that I havent thought about as much...

MAX + The Ghosts by The Real Tuesday Weld: That survivors guilt... lyrics arent like a perfect match but I think it gets that sort of hollow feeling across. Hes haunted man... + Final Girl by Electric Youth: Ok its a little funny because har har Final Girl Trope but I mean HE IS ONE. ANd dont look at me its a nice song- "Others were gone, and you kept going on, You know they never really noticed, you were always different, One by one, They're all done, And you're the last one standing" + Going Grazy by Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks: HONESTLY this could go for all the characters but Im tagging it onto Max because hes the one who has to deal with the aftermath of losing everyone (sorry survivors guilt Max again </3) "Everyone's saying my mind is unsound, 'Cause I always see you when you aren't around" "They're gonna wrap me in a jacket of white, And lock me away in a room without light" is what cements it as a Max song for me

EEF + The Existential Threat by Sparks: Once again starting sad, I link this one specifically to his paranoia about the worms- especially with lines like "Can't they see the existential threat is on its way". Kind of exasperated no one else can see the danger (he thinks) hes in. + Wrecking Ball by Mother Mother: I know I know its basic but I cant help it!!! Eef anger issues arc we are shaking hands me too + Haunted by Laura Les: Eef struggles with people seeing him as "just like his father" and I think we can get some good angst out of this track if we keep that in mind. Especially the back half of the song with lyrics like "Do you think I'm frightening?" and "Mirrors shatter when I'm passing, broken glass and crashing" since he is just a reflection of his dad (to others at least). Also song good.

KENT + Goodbye Mr A by The Hoosiers: Mfw the disillusionment with authority sets in. I think the vibe fits when he had that little epiphany about how adults are fucked- not perfect but it gets the idea across me thinks. + I'm Gonna Win by Rob Cantor: Ties into his need to "win" aka be the best at everything, be in charge, all that jazz! Hell do whatever it takes to be successful, even if it hurts. That was a little emo + Toba the Tura by Forgive Durden ft Chris Conley: Not to be emo again but "They say you're gifted, well I just see a scared kid. They must have flipped it, your skills are latent. O, you snuffed the glow. Replaced it with coals. Threw away the throne... This mess that you've made, it's a six-foot grave. It's a home for your lonesome bones that remain. We'll disappear, but you'll stay here to rot" AND SO ON AND SO FOURTH representing his fall after it was revealed he was sick. He was referred to as "the uncrowned king" and was on top of the world but then POOF that all crumbled and it was made out that he basically deserved what happened to him. It would be fun to make a pmv of him with this song (Simplifying my thoughts a bit because Ive already written a LOT)

NEWT + I Earn My Life by Lemon Demon: Ok a little Kentcore but Im actually having a hard time coming up with songs for Newton so here we are, they can share. Newt existential crisis moment time I guess + Know How by The Crane Wives: POV Newt struggles with going through with the plans he makes to keep everyone safe (stopping Max from touching Kent, going back into the cabin, etc) "I am not brave, I am not brave, I keep my focus on what is safe, You drew a line, made up your mind, And now I'm struggling to realize" And also maybe struggling with his place in the group and as a person in general- all that living through his cousin thing. "I gotta wrap my head around, What my heart is telling me, I've been trying to drown it out, Just because I know what I am, I am supposed to do now, Doesn't mean I know, Doesn't mean I know how" + On The Outside by Oingo Boingo: Idk man. Hes on the outside lookin in!! Loner nerd!! Its ok though, we still love him

SHEL + Bad Blood by Creature Feature: The lyrics speak for themselves: "I can guarantee I will do evil things, The only way that you can stop me now, Is if you put me in the ground, Somewhere I'll never be found" + Frontier Psychologist by The Avalanches: Hinges on the fact that the principal or whoever was like "Your sons a freak" and Shels mom was like "HES PERFECTLY FINE" while Shelley was like dismembering an animal or something + Johnny by American Murder Song: The songs good but theres this ONE LYRIC that sucks so the link provided is an edited version and also a lovely Warriors oc video I think you should all enjoy and support <3 Anyway Shel would be Johnny I could see this song being a scene in the book. Field trip to Shels house and they find his murder garden

If anyone wants more for Im not opposed to making another post :^)

[god-save-the-keen]

Lorelai Gilmore, the best mom in the world, prompt list!

1. "Does he/she have a motorcycle? 'Cause if you're gonna throw your life away he'd better have a motorcycle!"

2. "There's plenty to do tonight that we can be mortified about tomorrow."

3. "So not only did you go to a cop-raided party, but you started the raid?" *Signing* "Then she proceeds to sing, 'Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?'"

4. "I need caffeine. Whatever form you've got, I haven't had any all day. I'll drink it, shoot it, eat it, snort it, whatever form it's in, gimme."

5. "Seventy-five thousand dollars? Oh my God, that’s like 150 pairs of Jimmy Choos."

6. "There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous crème pies you can just smash in somebody's face. But this is definitely one of them."

7. "Don't let his family see you. Spiders are vindictive. And this was a really big spider. I think it had a gun."

8. "I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going, what I was doing and why I was doing. But lately, things seem hazier."

9. "It's all any of us wants, to find a nice person to hang out with until we drop dead. Not a lot to ask!"

10. "If it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one."

11. "As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I'm totally flexible."

12. "My God, I hate her." "Me too." "You have no idea who I'm talking about." "Solidarity."

13. "I don't like problems. I avoid them when I can and I don't like people pointing them out to me."

14. "Everything in my life has something to do with coffee. I believe in a former life, I was coffee."

15. "When I think of blistering thirty-degree burns, I also think of my mother."

16. "976-BITE-ME."

17. "Well, we like our Internet slow, okay? We can turn it on, walk around, dance, make a sandwich. With DSL, there’s no dancing, no walking, and we’d starve. It’d be all work and no play. Have you not seen The Shining, Mom?"

18. "I need coffee in an IV."

19. "It's Friday night, we should be out partying with the homies."

20. "You are full of hate and loathing and I gotta tell you, I love it!"

21. "It's very exciting, but so is eating a gallon of pudding."

22. "Cheeseburger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I’m looking for heroes."

23. "Coffee, please, and a shot of cynicism."

24. "My mother — she was here. I can feel it. Smell that? The room smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5."

25. "I'm going to go make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken."

26. "Get back in your pajamas, go to bed, eat nothing but gallons of ice cream and tons of pizza, don't take a shower or shave your legs or put on any kind of makeup at all and just sit in the dark and watch a really sad movie and have a good long cry and just wallow. You need to wallow."

27. "You have so many years of screw-ups ahead of you."

28. "I hate when I'm an idiot and don't know it. I like to be aware of my idiocy."

29. "I don't like ultimatums." "I don't like Mondays, but unfortunately they come around eventually."

30. "I'm the Oracle. I carry all the knowledge."

31. "Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish."

32. "I'm fine. I'm just being dramatic. It's what I do."

33. "You're very cruel." "Yes, it keeps me young."

34. "Sorry, I see we entered the no-humor zone."

35. "You should identify yourself when you answer the phone." "Sorry, Independence Inn. Major Disappointment speaking. Better?"

36. "Come here. You have some dirt on your forehead. I'm sorry. It's the sign of devil. My mistake."

37. "I love it when I talk and no one listens. Make me think like home."

38. "Repeat after me: I'm completely hopeless."

39. "You are drawing me into your druken world." "It's not a bad place to be, my friend."

40. "He/She's so sexy, smart, funny, and he/she likes coffee."

41. "It's from my mother." "What is it?" "It's heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me."

42. "Don't judge what you don't understand."

43. "Do you like coffee?" "Only with my oxygen."

44. "Cats came to my house today. Cause they know I'm a loser and I'm destinated to be alone."

45. "I had a dream about him/her the other night." "Really? Dirty?" "No... Absolutely not. And when you're 21 I'll tell you the real answer."

46. "I think you are acting a little immature." "I'm not acting."

47. "That Lothario there has wormed his way into my daughter's heart and mouth... And for that he must die."

48. "This is bad." "I know. I wish we had popcorn."

49. "You know what the worst part of it was? When you weren't there, part of me wasn't surprise."

50. "You are the man/woman I want to want."

51. "A mistake? A mistake? That is what you call it, a mistake?" "Well, I tried to call it 'Al', but it would only answer to 'mistake'"

52. "Don't you understand that I can't talk to you because it hurts? Don't you understand that?"

53. "It's too much food." "It's not. That's is what we been training for. This is our destiny. This is our finest hour."

54. "Who cares if I'm pretty if I fail my finals." "Okay, you have got this so completely backwards."

55. *One phone on each ear* "Who are you talking to?" "My other two personalities."

56. "He/she kissed you and you say thank you?" "Yes!" "Well, that was very polite."

57. "Decaf." "Never."

58. "I don't think I ever really loved anyone until Name."

59. "I smell snow."

60. "Reality has absolutely no place in our world."

61. "No? No lecture about kissing a boy/girl?" "No. Why, did you do it wrong?"

62. "The drinks fortify us. The drinks give us strength. The drinks get us drunk."

63. "I'm a young, desirable woman/men." *Talking to two cats in the porch.*

64. "Really? You are gonna kiss me now? You are so incredibly predictable."

65. "You threw a frying pan at Name's head without me there? I hate you."

66. "I hate my life."

67. "I have no memory of this whatsoever."

68. "She's very aggressive today." "I think the passive part of her personality is playing hooky."

69. *Reading* "Man, she/he sure used a lot of exclamations points."

70. "I love that you have my eyes and my coffee addiction, my taste in music and movies."

Used them, shared, make a request, have fun with them! ❣️

[just-under-lucid]

Homebound

Ara sighed as she unlocked the front door, sun glinting off the tips of her hair. That night had been... honestly, rather fun. A warm feeling still buzzed around her, her head and shoulders still tingling. Nothing like some harmless fun to keep the sanity up. The door unlocked with a soft click and opened, welcoming Ara back with open arms. 

Her house wasn’t anything special. It was a little cluttered with boxes full of teaching supplies and various knick-knacks from a few vacations. Books of multiple topics lined multiple shelves. “The Lord of the Rings.” “Island of the Blue Dolphins.” “The Hunger Games.” She’d read them all and reread a few. The earthen tones of the living room almost lulled her back to sleep as she walked past, barely noticing her mother walking down the hall with another bandage on her neck. 

“Ara! When did you get home?” The girl immediately found herself in a tight embrace, wincing from her wounds. Her mother backed away with a weary smile, but it soon turned to shock. ���What happened to you? Is this why you didn’t come home? Did you take care of them?” 

“I’m fine, Mom, jeez...” Her own weariness showed in her voice. “I just got into a fight with another Stalker...”

“Why?! Why would you do that?”

“I-” She definitely couldn’t say that she just wanted to play. “Ideological differences?” The disapproving look bore into Ara. She’d gotten this look before.

“...Ara. Why are you lying to me?” The jig was up. Arabella sighed and searched the floor before looking back to her mother. 

“It was just for fun... I just haven’t done anything like that in a while, okay? I wanted to... try it again. Can’t do online video games anymore so, uh, gotta improvise.” 

“Honey, you can’t just do that! You have duties you have to fulfill, and if you’re hurt--”

“I can’t do them, I know. But I still can. This is nothing; you know how the Club is.”

“Yes, but--”

“No, I’m fine!”

“Ara...”

“I am!” She beats her hands on her chest. “What else do you want me to say?” Exasperation came through for both of them, neither harmonizing with the other. This conversation had happened before; behind closed doors, behind thick walls, behind cords and IV’s. Her mother shook her head, a crack beginning to form in her voice. 

“Baby, I just... I don’t know if I can trust you yet. What you did... we’re scared--”

“You’re scared I’ll do it again.” All happiness drained out of her and into the dirt, hopefully giving the worms something to smile about. “I won’t. I’m taking care of myself, I haven’t even touched a bag of pop rocks. There’s nothing going on. They trust me, why don’t you?” Her mother looked taken aback, backpedaling a single step. Ara hadn’t talked back like this in a while either. 

“They trust you in a different way. Let me be your mother, Ara. I’m just worried. You still haven’t slept, you come home covered in bruises, and your sister found three energy drinks in your room! Our grade energy drinks. I can’t help but assume--”

“I’m not!” Her voice rang through the hall, “I just have work to do, okay? There’s a lot of things going on in my head, about half of it needs to be reported and the other half needs to be finished so I can get a good grade. You’re a teacher, you know some of the others, you know the workload we’re getting.” Ara’s voice hushed, settling to a quiet resolve. “I’m not... relapsing, okay? You worry about you and Dad getting out okay, I can take care of myself. They’re watching me anyway. I’m protected. I’m fine.” Her mother’s lip twitched, tears pooling at the corners of her eyes. Arabella sighed, feeling the empathetic tug at her own emotions. 

“Mom... you have to trust me. I’m not gonna do that again, there’s no reason to; It’s safe here.” She reaches out for a hug, tightly reciprocated. “I’m not gonna do anything. I know it could carry on without me, but any setback to me could set back the Song, or at least one of its verses. Like you said, I have duties to perform. And I’ll do them. Just trust me.” They stayed there for a few more moments, her mother softly crying into her shoulder. It did get to be a lot sometimes. All the pressure from Speak-As-One, from the Club, from school, from her friends, from her own brain, it all added up. But it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t enough. Ara’s mom gently let go of her daughter, smiling weakly. Ara shook her head.

“You might wanna clean off your robes before the foam hardens.” Finally, a smile from both of them. Her mother looked down, glancing at the soggy robes before looking back up. 

“And you might wanna get some sleep.” Ara rolled her eyes but nodded. 

“Okay, Mom.” She stepped to the side to let her pass. “Don’t overwork yourself.” 

“No promises-” Her mother stepped swiftly past, making a slight breeze with all the fabric that trailed her. 

Ara sighed and walked back to her shared room, curtain still up between the two sides. She quickly changed into her pajamas and laid down on her bed, staring at the starry ceiling. She knew she wouldn’t sleep. Even the melatonin wouldn’t help this one. There was too much going on in her world to even consider leaving it for even a moment. She pulled out her phone, glancing at the notifications of the group chat and sighed. At least there was something for her to do.

[theycallmeghostface]

Can I just like do vent this here. I'll warn you its not for the faint of heart. Keep scrolling if you aren't ready for some slightly heavy shit.

The past three weeks have been some fucken bulshit. And ya know I've been doing my damdest to keep my head up but I'm not the best at that shit.

It's so hard when I can't seem to get out of what ever inner demon decided to drag my ass down this time. It's been very hard to stay level headed. Like I've been bouncing between upset, exhausted, and apathetic for the past 3 weeks at varying degrees of severity. I will openly state last week I was really thinking about checking my ass into the ward again.

I wanna say that I wasn't naming reasons I have to keep going but I was and I'll state that I'm sorry first because that's no one's fault but my own.

And the only reason I haven't gotten more help yet is because this is a cycle for me. Every couple of months my brain likes to turn it's self into a battle ground. It doesn't really matter what side I'm on. I'm still the one that gets hurt in the end. And it sucks cause you gotta find new ways to cope.

Not gonna lie I was high like every other night last week and I didn't quite tell anyone but one of my old friends noticed. She is visiting and she noticed it because she knew me when it was bad. She knew me when I wasn't right.

I use to be terrible. I still am sometimes but not to the extent I use to be. I use people like chess peices for my entertainment, took pleasure in seeing how I could ruin them with just a few words, a few smiles. I was horrible in every single way. I didn't feel remorse for it.

I won't go into detail. I won't open that can of worms because now I feel horrible for all the things I did. Some people will never recover. I'm a permanent stain on their lifetime.

And when I figured that out. When I did feel terrible, I had to find a way to run. How better to run away from a feeling then to get high out of your mind. Or even better if your me go chase a high, go do something fucken stupid. I spent alot of nights high as fuck. And what came of that just made me more fucked up. I didn't stop feeling the repercussions till probably August of 2020 and even then I still did dumb shit cause I wanted to hurt and feel litterally anything else.

My point is she was there for that. She's seen it. She's worried, she knows what happened and I love her for the fact she doesn't want to see it happen again but there is a difference here.

I'm better. I haven't been better for long but I'm trying. I'm trying to be better, do better because I have friends, I have my family, I have a love I want to be better for. They need me as much as I need them.

I still get high but not in the ways I use to. This is measured I know the milligrams of THC I take/smoke. This is litterally medical. I don't do it where I know I'm gonna get myself in trouble. I'm with people I trust if not in my bed. I'm not smoking to escape my feelings, I'm doing it to lessen the effect. To nullify the extremes I know I reach, to soften the impact and allow my self some rest because at one point I couldnt. On the occasion I will have a little fun because video games when your high is just that much more enjoyable.

I promise it's not like before. It's just been rough and this is what I allow to make it easier. And yes ive stopped with the cigarettes in turn. I needed to quite that cause it's got no benefits.

Lastly, I will say, out of that whole conversation of concern about me being under the influence she never asked me if I was okay. And I think that says something not sure what but something indeed....

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 9 - “im running on borrowed time”- Franco

Michele

I would love to see a full list of who everyone voted for. Its VERY fishy and a complete blindside. Makes me feel worse about disadvantage next round

lenny

Right when cranjes becomes my ally, they get kicked off. lol. what is happening in this tribe rn? I want to get to the bottom of it.

michele

ive never felt more alone in this game. people clearly lied to me.

lenny

according to dusty, Franco and Eliza flipped for the split vote. yuck! what to do now? I don't know. I think if I have any chance of getting Eliza or Michele out, I have to make a new alliance. 

lenny

Dusty just said that her franco rain and worm were the ones to flip and that makes me very anxious and I don't know if I can trust rain fully :/ that makes me sad. I really hope I can. 

lenny

so michele and I are talking which is v heartwarming. I apologized for being cold towards her. I hope we can work together. 

Dusty

Well that was messed up LMAO That’s the second time Eliza has flipped on me and taken out my closest ally...anyway I will not be working with her anymore. But I’m gonna make her believe it. And thank you to my amazing acting skills she gave me her half of the super idol..........ma’am. I’m so sorry. She expects me to give it back to her after this round but Idk if I can do that if she isn’t in the game anymore! She also told me that it was her and Franco that flipped with rain and worm. So now I’m trying to work with Lenny and Michele who seem to be on board, and it seems like I’ll also have to working with frank and Sasha. And with this blind round there’s a fear of voting for someone that won immunity buuut at least I have a 10% advantage to help me out :) Wish me luck!

michele

kinda blew up a little so gonna lay low for strategy. i also sometimes take things too personally which is why i only do like 1 org a year so that last tribal got to me a lot. franco messaged me saying he doesnt trust me and even tho his instincts are completely correct idk it just feels weird. i think i just hate general confrontation 

Frank

So I’m shocked Cranjes left but I’m quite happy about it. He was leading a lot of things so to have him go is wonderful. After tribal, Michele approached me about getting out Eliza or Franco, so we stan that. Once one of them is gone though the other needs to be taken out as well since they’re both strong and we don’t need one of the having a story of, oh my partner got out but I still made it through so much. After that get rid of Dusty and then Lenny at some point bc who. I’m fairly quiet but Lenny is practically a ghost. Right now the only person I actually trust though is Sasha, which is not something I thought I would say but here we are.

Franco

Blind rounds are so SCARY. Mainly the part about no one knowing who wins immunity. Like, we got out 2 idols last round by blindsiding Cranjes and flushing Frank's, but theres still more out there. And no one is going to know how tribal is going to play out Michele was kinda pissed at us for leaving her out of the vote. But? Sis left us out of her alliance with og Plati, and didnt give us ANY information last round despite knowing I was a target. Eliza is also.... Kinda not smart. She gave her half of the idol to Dusty because she wanted to reconcile. Which is nice and all! But thats a direct chance for him to get back at us and take a shot at us. Keeping the idol separate was best for everyone. So I just gotta pray Eliza knows Dusty as well as she says she does!! I dont expect to win this challenge. Im gonna chat around, but I think Im going to have to play my idol this round to save my skin. My name has been thrown around 2 rounds in a row, im running on borrowed time. We'll see how today goes!

Frank

So Franco messaged me about if I’m gonna vote him this round and that he doesn’t understand why I’m going after him. So I did the kind thing and explained it and said that I don’t want to work with him because he’s working with everyone and that I don’t see that as being beneficial to my game. So Franco is my target again and michele messaged me last night to get rid of him so we stan. I’m probably gonna get votes but who could be shocked by that.

Franco

surprise!! my name is going around AGAIN!! i'm so. not shocked. Frank has it out for my for some reason?? I confronted him this morning, let him know his """allies""" are throwing him under the bus and offered to exchange information or work together in some capacity but he literally turned it down. first rule of survivor is never shut down lines of communication like that!! he is denying any chance of game relationship we could have and thats such bad gameplay. I bombed the challenge because I'm dumb. And now that I know my name is circulating I'm going to have to play my idol. I just have to hope that whatever happens is good for my game. It's so hard to orchestrate votes during an invisible round, everyone is playing strictly for themselves because there's no reason not to. I really really finally want Frank gone. This is the THIRD ROUND in a row I've said that. but seriously I'm over him. he's gotta GO.

Eliza

Dear diary... Literally can’t believe we pulled that blindside off! I had to do some damage control with dusty and because I know what kind of player he is I gave him my half of the super idol. I told him I’d give it to him for this round to prove that the cranjes vote had nothing to do with him and that he is still someone I want to work with. He seemed shocked but obviously took the security and I think I have at least some of his trust back, I mean this IS the second time I blindsided him and voted out his closest ally. Now I know you’re probably thinking, ellie you’re a dumbass, and that I am but I know how dusty works at this point in the game and it’s gonna take a bold move like that one to get ANY of his trust back. Franco didn’t think it was the best move but I can’t just play according to Franco’s standards. The invisible round is absolutely terrifying, everyone agrees that it’s frank but we all know that he could 100% win this challenge. Obviously everyone with a brain wants to split but some of these people won’t wanna split again after they got out smarted, Franco might be playing his idol because we all know frank wants him out but frank has also said I need to go and I have absolutely no security rn so yeah, I’m fucking scared. Let’s see what happens!

Rain

So... I haven’t been around much today. I abstained from immunity. My depression is kicking in and even tho I’m doing well in the game, I can’t be bothered to get into it, as much as I want to. So I’ll ride Franco and Eliza’s coattails until either I pull out of this funk or I get voted out. The move tonight is to try to get frank. Except he’s kinda good at challenges (although, tbh, hasn’t been that great since returning - maybe the idol was holding him back?) so we think he may get immunity. I think voting Sasha would be better - like come on, I don’t even think he’s trying (is that hypocritical to say?) and he only talks to his allies. The other side (oh is it just dusty, Sasha, and frank now? Fuckin sweet) doesn’t even attempt to socialize with me. Dusty to some extent, but talking to Sasha and frank is like talking to a fucking wall. I’ll be happy if either of them go. But tbh at this point I’m ready to join the jury. I’m going to keep playing and keep trying because that’s what jay and the people I’ve voted out deserve to see, but whenever I go home, I know I played a good game for my first game in over a year. 

lenny

not feeling confident about this challenge or good in general. Rain is most likely working with franco and eliza. I hope I can trust dusty. oof

Worm

So last round seemed to have back fired. I think I have alienated myself even more but I'm not sure if saying people not talking to me is showing that. They weren't talking to me before anyway so I guess nothing really changed then lol They goal this round is to target Frank which is okay with me cause I think people will start going after bigger targets next round like Eliza and Franco. Michele seems really mad at me which i can't fault her for so my goal if I survive this round is to talk to her and get her back on my side. Maybe reuniting the alliance of dusty, her, and I could make a huge impact. This challenge is really difficult so I don't think I had any chance of winning. I kinda hope I do for just in case reasons. If I being told the truth and everyone is targeting Frank then it should happen pretty easily. His idol got flushed last round so it should be simple to get rid of him. But until those votes are read I do believe that I will be the one going home.

Frank

Watch Franco have an idol and I go home. That would be funny, tbh I guess it just would be. But oh boy I am gonna get myself a nice snack if Franco goes...although let's be real I'm gonna have a nice snack no matter what. But I just want to stay and have Franco or Eliza leave since that would benefit my game to an extreme since they KEEP TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT. Or at least saying my name which is enough for me. Like if you say my name, get out!

rain

Tribal is in a few minutes, and I’ve just had an emotional chat with Franco He is truly an incredible ally and I really look forward to being in the reunion w him and finding out who he is irl (although I have a guess) Anyway, I just wanted to give him some positive edit, because I’m sure he’s very N as the villain of the game :P 

Dusty

This is crazy idek if I won immunity or what’s happening I changed my vote like 3 times LMAO i voted for Eliza I don’t know what’s happening i think I’m freaking out for no reason. My only fear is michele being very quiet. 

michele

being quiet worked i guess. wasnt really a game move but i didnt get voted out so yay

Sasha

I really just gave up on trying to have my own strategy/game and just voted how people told me to huh

Eliza

Dear diary... It was a tie between me and frank, this might be the last time I write in confessions but hopefully I was able to make some sort of impact in the game. Wow this sucks

Dusty

jflkdsaiof okay a tie well michele being quiet all day meant that she didnt get the chance to know the vote was for eliza... which just made me think someone decided to not flip against eliza/franco so in the revote i reached out to worm and rain to try and get them to flip which they both denied. ugh im so stupid, they would know regardless that i flipped, but now it seems like i was soooo adamant about her going... oh well. Franco is going to be pissed anyway