#ive gone through hundreds of people ans none of them are “the right people”

[autisticlee]

i'm so bad at making friends. never know what to do or say. wish other people would take the lead instead for once and do the hard part for me, but they never do!!!!! they expect and make me lead the conversation and make plans and all that. while they get so sit back and judge me while responding with 1-5 words, not giving me any info when I ask questions, and failing to contribute to any plans I try to make. then the friendship never happens or falls apart and fails very quickly because I suck at it, they don't do any of the work, they judge me, decide they don't like me, and they don't even try to help it 😭😭😭😭

I know "you don't want/need friends like that anyway" or whatever people tell me. but when you spend 15+ years trying to get even ONE person to do something with and never get to do that thing because every person is like this, how are you supposed to believe there's people out there NOT like this?! every year I try to talk to 50-100 different people at least. they're all like this!!!!!! so I dont seem to have another choice? lmao

everyone does this. cant escape it. cant find a single person that feels like puts in as much or more effort than me and helps me out down the supposed two-way street. feels like I must perform for everyone to win their approval. need to read their minds to know what play to put on. guess wrong and act the wrong way and they obly respond with a single clap or get up and leave. if I don't entertain them and win their approval, they don't even consider friendship. they never perform for me. i'm the monkey on the stage and don't ask them to dance for me. they won't anyway. if I ask anything in return, they run away. they're the audience I must entertain and be judged by them and if I don't get a perfect score, they leave and turn the lights off on my stage.