#ive done worse things in my life and frankly i dont think anyone will remember.

[mojimallow]

it finally happened. after all these years of online classes. my mic unmuted itself

[melforbes]

ask meme. what if. patching up. no I still haven’t seen source material

the way i completely forgot about this ask until i wrote like two paragraphs in this and was like oh shit lmao

the source material is getting an hbo series bb you're in luck also ignore anna whatever as tess yes i respect her as an actress yes she is talented in a bunch of things i have not seen but ms annie wersching is the only tess in my heart and also if i have to endure tess being reduced to a powerbitch stereotype i will start foaming at the mouth. but also i have no feelings about this whatsoever <3

WHAT IF: i will pick an important choice or event in my current project and write three sentences (or more?) about if it’d gone done differently

hmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMm

this is hard because i kind of had a stupid amount of confidence in the decisions i had them make in this and because i have ~a lot of experience~ in flying by the seat of my pants with writing lmaooooo a lot of the time with this ive had some degree of foresight when it comes to certain plot decisions. the only reason i have this in the first place is that with other things ive had kind of sort of plot revelations and then been like "well if i'd set that up three chapters ago it would have a huge impact i think but instead i guess it's just going in this one for a smaller impact" so i think i learned my lesson haha. also because this pairing nowadays has a small and sparse tag i really intentionally put in stuff to make it interesting (maybe the wrong word) to reread. like not Interesting interesting but i wanted there to be certain details that are more relevant on a reread than on an initial read because whenever i read stuff in small tags i tend to read it Multiple Times lmaoooooo and it's like if anyone like me is out there I Will Feed You. I Will Give You Food. you see i have this problem in which im like i dont want to act like i put thought into this because That's Embarrassing and i also dont want to seem like i take this too seriously because That's Embarrassing and also i dont want to act uppity or pompous or something But At The Same Time i do put a lot of thought into certain things and i feel like mentioning that and i dont really want to judge myself for that. it's complicated but also super uncomplicated. where was i going with this

OH right. so most of the plot decisions were made super concretely. like pre breakup arc in the nightmares chapters (which came out so much worse than i intended alkdjksjad;glksjg) when tess and joel talk about ellie Knowing (also legit it is such a trip to me that you dont know the context of that. a trip in a good way) she says we every time and he only ever says i even when she points out that this would affect both of them, and at one point i think he says that tess doesnt understand baseless violence which is 100% untrue, and then there's a bunch of window imagery i put in starting there because im a freak. so like For Once In My Life a lot of this was as planned as it could be. on occasion there's been Plot Revelations that get wedged in (the radio interlude chapter, which was a bit of an inelegant seam between prewritten things that didnt mesh well) but for the most part ive got tits out into every decision. like tess and ellie disagreeing about joel's choice was very planned though i imagine that kind of conversation could be executed many different ways i had my one way and stuck to it. so either way

where was i going with this. did i have a point.

OKAY. let's see. i think one of the big ~emotional beats~ so to speak was the ambush chapter and i think that's the favorite because that's usually where people comment if i remember correctly and initially i wasnt going to go with that tone At All haha. years ago i wrote everyday domestic scenes of mulder and scully from x files and had it all on this blog and it was plotless but largely in the same overarching universe (i say as if it was legit ever That Deep) and after writing this as a oneshot and being like you know? Kind of feel like doing that again. i figured i would just follow the same largely plotless path of legit just domesticity and leave it at that. and i think the first like five chapters are tonally different from the rest because i'd never really intended for it to have plot or really any depth whatsoever. in the end like. How do i say this in a way that wont be interpreted as uppity or something asldkjgalsdgjk like. when i did those mulder scully scenes i was very much a beginner and i think i didnt realize just how inherent that beginner-ness was to the concept itself. which isnt a bad thing! like people had fun with those so far as i remember. bizarrely enough i think people might still read those which. cringe. but you kno!!! but with a few years of distance from that kind of concept i think it was hard for me to Not try something else. especially with this universe in which it's just dense with storytelling opportunity. and also i felt as if the first few chapters were just like super super lighthearted and i wanted some angst factor. which is why in the end the angst factor plot itself is flimsy as fuck. like i did not care WHY they got attacked i just wanted that sweet sweet hurt/comfort cup of tea u feel. and after that i didnt really go for the plot too much But i did edge toward it a lot more. like i mean ultimately this is a romance like it was not intended to be plot heavy ever But it's more plot heavy than it couldve been. had i actually written it as i'd intended from the start i think it wouldve gotten old really fast. like nothing but lighthearted domesticity doesnt make sense in this context. for the first few chapters it doesnt necessarily kill the whole thing imo because like. that's the first few chapters. but after then if there was never any ~deeper thoughts~ i think it wouldve gotten reductive super fast.

hmmm what else. Because i am deciding to talk too much on the internet now.

oh in theory the whole breakup arc couldve been omitted and now in retrospect im like it's hilarious that like the next chapter after they got married i immediately peppered in hints that they would break up lkajsdglaksjgdlkj like wow. That lasted a long time. but like i mean i think with them it fits that they would do something like get married before they even said that they loved each other. like i can see them doing a massive workaround instead of doing a small and simple but vulnerable thing. makes sense 2 me. and like they definitely couldve stuck together in the end but 1 theres interesting storytelling in how maybe joel was too stubborn or maybe they grew apart in certain ways or blah blah blah and 2 I JUST LOVE A GOOD BREAKUP AND THEN RETURNING TO EACH OTHER ARC OKAAAAAAAAAY. legit. favorite trope. if i ever experienced that in real life i would claw my eyes out but in fiction it makes me FERALLLL. and also like i mean i lov these two for their dumb quirks but also like it would be a lil wrong to say there wouldnt be consequences for like. Not communicating haha. also again like the world this game is put in is so full of storytelling opportunities and im like Must Take Them All. like joel is stubborn as hell and shuts down when he's overwhelmed and there is growth in the first game (and in the second too but thats not really shown as much and is more left for the player to fill in the gaps i think) but also i think it would be super easy to regress in that sense and i had fun with putting him in those situations. and it's also super fun to have an additional person for the joel and ellie plots to bounce off of. like joel and ellie are two very stubborn people and having an extra person there to be like You Blithering Idiots has been a good time. im getting sidetracked. like it was fun to answer the question of how these two in a marriage neither of them can fully substantiate would communicate in hard times and the answer i personally found was that they both would end up breaking things. which was fun to write!!!!!!!!! but in theory couldve been prevented. maybe i just cant imagine this a different way haha. like Joel And Tess Learn Healthy Communication Skills Over Time. am i mean for saying that doesnt sound probable aldskjgalskdjgslkgj

OH LMAO THE MARRIAGE PART. that was also a big decision i guess. i wouldnt make it go differently alksdjglasdjg like. i definitely couldve written the context around that many different ways bc again this whole is full of opportunity But a frankly premature wedding just feels right to me. especially with like going from being stuck on survival to being safe for the first time in decades. and then having that sense of safety get boring and wondering why there was that super fast wedding in the first place. cant really imagine it going differently

there is later unposted stuff that could def have gone many different ways and that i tried to make go different ways but that would not be right to talk about akldsjaslkgdjsg so.

this got too long sorry <3

[gayspock]

dont rb , dont rply

hate trying so sick of trying onnly to be reminded, resoundinggly, of 10 billion more reasons why its better to kill yourself , like, i hate the stupid same fucking bullshit how it always just leads back to there, back to that, i hate forcing myself to think “this is irrational this is irrational” when frankly its the only rational thing i can fucking feel any more its the only logical conclusion to fucking any of it . i can spend fucking years sobbing over every single little detail about it all i can fucking repeat trauma in my head on a loop and i can try and fail over and over and over it can go on for another decde without  change i can KEEP looping that cycle or i can  just stop it and quit it because its not worth it none of its ever bloody fucking worth it same SHIT over and over again running from place to place and crying hopingh the next situation i end up somehow saves me and gives me some fucking reason to be alive only for it to get worse every time only for me to be yet again confronted with the “you should have died years ago you fucking idiot” mantra, the whole why didnt you KILL yourself with some dignity years ago instead of waiting until now, why do you have to be pathetic like this @ me . and then i start crying over more and more stupid shit, sobbing because im sad and  how i just wished it could have worked out and how much i really wnated it to so many fucking times only for me to be a clown and an idiot over and OVER and OVER again because it never gets into my thick skull i dont fucking want to be alive i dont fucking want any of it i dont i just WANT to want it but i cant . fucking make that happen i just keep going back to “ i cant do any of it any more” over and over and OVER againand i force myself to suffer through it even more and  why. why man why man why man like why do i have to Constantly delude myself thinking yeah yeha yeah yeah yeah fucking dancing in fucking circles theres a million times ive whined abt the Exact same thing like this in these posts, written word, crying mumbling to myself every single day for years doing it OVER and OVER again what kinda nonsense is it what kinda nonsense is that i hate those things do you know those things the stupid tactics always just make me so much more upset all the fucking stupid fucking cliches every single one of them that are meant to be comforting make me just cry even harder because even. even the attempts at trying to FIND a reason to kill yourself just lead back to you should kill yourself and the reality is there again that youre too much of a hopeless fucking case , how these are all the exact reasons WHY you want to kill yourself. thinking about those sentiments of how you dont have to be alive for anyone but yourself but then remembering how much you hate yourself thinking about those sentiments of love and how your worth isnt determined by your skills or anything only just serve to remeber how fucking alone you f eel . how none of it is there how there is 0 reason to be alive and how it all just falls apart how people rol their eyes and theyre like well there cant be 0 reason and then you START! CRYING! GHARDER! because there is there is no reason and being reminded of how. fucking pathetic that is just makes it feerl so so much fucking worser i hate my degree i hate myself im so fucking alone and i feel so fucking alone wherever i go ui feel like everything ive done in my life has just been a stupid fuckingg botched attempt to fit in and i dont like any of it i dont want any of it i just . end up miserable and alone and crying eery single time i fucking try, start getting angrier and angrier every time im too pathetic to kill myself, every time i fuck it up i just end up regretting it again , wihsing even harder that i’d just fucking done it because theres no point to it theres no point to the senseless fucking same shit enduring it again and again when change cant happen i know it cant happen  and thats also the crux otf it knowing that too knowing that its just so fucking futile whatever you bloody do and then crying because you just wis h . that you had a better chance at some things but . knowing damn well that no matter what you did, all of it holding you together was always so wafer fucking thin . stupid im sat here thinking about how when i was little i’d always cry and try to feel better thinking about how when i get away its going to be okay and then realising it still wont be and just that stupid endless cycle of absolutely hollow promises to yourself until youre fucking rotting in the floor crying choking yhourself with a belt AGAIN because you dont want to be awake any more!! whats the POINT of it you know. i dont want to go back to living with people i dont want to fall back into the complacency and feeling numb and numb and numb until im alone again and then it all comes rushing back tenfold i want OUT and yet i nebver do and im trying to think of practical ways to do it some way i wnt fucking chicken out of fucking thats the DIFFICULTY right now you know YOU KNOW fucking 

[brainfarts-com]

I want to get this out of my system. Not like anyone gonna see it, but have been bottling it up for years and not let go of it. My parents know the person but dont know the damage. The only person who knows it was damaging, doesn't know the full story. No one knows but me and it has been eating me away from the inside for 7 years. And still no one else will know it, but ill have it down, giving myself a chanse to get it straight.

I changed schools after the 4th grade. My mom didn't like the teachers there so she brought me to a better school. Which was absolutely fine, I missed my best friend a lot but it was a great school with amazing teachers and classmates. Exept Luca. She was something else. She was strong willed and strong worded. She always got exactly what she wanted. Her parents spoiled and phraised her non stop. And she made that everyone elses problem. On my first day in school, I remember her smiling at me... and the next thing I remember is that I was in her friend group (which meant two other girls). It feels like I completely blacked out a few months. From there it was downhill. When I got there, I was an ambivert at least - loving attention, spending time with people and very much a people pleaser. She used that up against me big time. She lowered my self esteem to zero, made me believe I was average, but at least worse in everything than her. She ordered me around like a puppy. It got to a point that I made fun of myself just to entertain her- because I knew that was what she wated to hear. She made me fear her- but I didn't know why I was afraid of her. Thats what got me out of it. I sometimes tried to ask her to stop, because I did feel uncomfortable and like this isnt normal, but it never worked. She said shed change, but after a month she was the same as ever.

After two and a half years I broke down in tears to my mom and when she asked why am I afraid of her, I realized how unrealistic I was. The next day I didn't go to her. When she was standing behind me, shouting my name, I didn't turn around. I was shaking while she said: "pah, it must be one of her tantrums". I didn't sit with the table they sat in, I asked the girl I admired instead if I can sit with them an her table group was surprised, but nice and let me sit there. The rage on her face... That I could betray her... She asked me what is my problem, I said: I just want space... I was shaking so hard. Ever since in stressful situations and confrontations, I shake uncontrolably. Her answer was not nice, bit the best I could wish for- she didn't want to interact with me anymore.

The faces of other people... some even gratulated me and offered to help. The girl I admired said I could hang with them if id like. Thats when I realized, how nice classmates I have. Before i was separated from them by Luca, who made everyone a bad guy. But now they accepted me, talked with me, joked with me. Even tho I became a lone shark most of the time, but I got a lot of support from them. They probably didn't even notice. But that didn't last too long.

Less than two years and high school started. I had no idea, how to interact with people, so I did the same as before. Lone shark, helping out with school stuff. But now that didn't work well- my new classmates didn't care for me, just to get what they wanted. They even made fun of me, sometimes with talking with me like im an idiot, while I helped them with homework and help them on tests. But I was naive and frankly, I had it worse with Luca, this was way nicer than before, so I didn't think much of it.

A miracle that I got a friend. She was nerdy and she was the butt of the jokes as well, but that wasn't why we became friends. We liked the same youtuber. A few months and we were inseparable. But that didn't magically teach me how to be friends with someone. So I did the same as before- listened and acted the way I thought others would like me to be. That was what Luca trained me to do. That was not my friends fault, but it ruined the friendship. Slowly I became empty with no energy to act. I became snappy and quiet, which made her distance herself from me. Later we talked it out but at that time, it was the worse. I had nothing going on, no stimulus, same thing repeating, smiling to teachers and roommates and that empty feeling inside.

At that point, I was barely alive. For years, I told myself: if I wouldn't have friends and family, I wouldn't be worth living. I did not realize, how fucked up that mindset was. Now I didn't have friends, my days became even blanker and acting became harder. I couldn't laugh at a video I found funny- god, I remember that balloon one, I thought: hah, thats funny, but not a chuckle, not a smile, just the thought. And still, I didn't realize what bad of a shape I was in mentaly. I was suicidal, but not outright, the thought made itself normal in my brain, like it is an everyday thing to think of.

My only chill time became YouTube. I didn't have to act while watching. Than I found undertale there. I knew the story and the characters so well while ive never played the game, but I loved it. Once it recommended a let's play of it to me. The thumbnail was pretty and upon seeing how long the video was, I simply said I'll click away if I get bored.

It hit me like a horse kick. My face showed genuent expression for the first time in years. The sheer energy of it, the thing I lacked for years. Only the intro caught me, the happy guy who said it- I binged the whole series. And than went on a Jse channel binge. It was amazing, it gave me life, it made me want to draw more, it gave me the will and energy to live. Soon his and Mark's videos became the thing I awaited the most in a day.

Now I remember, it was half a year after watching them that I became snappy. Because they were nice and they didn't ask me to be someone else. Sean said in so many videos that "you are worth it", and he said so many encouraging words along with Mark that I started to believe them. The way I went about it later with my friend was not good tho. Neither of us adressed the problem, we just... avoided it.

Months went by. I started to heal a little, but also got too attached to both of them. It was unhealthy, I know, but they were all I had who didn't judge me. This was the time when my relationship with my mom started to go down. I didn't meet her high expectations. I started to stand up for myself and told her I don't want to be a dentist or a psichologist. She only realized i'm serious when I didn't get into any college. I took a year off, but she still tried to push me. No matter how many times I told her, she gently manipulated me into going along. Or so She thought. I went on the exams she wanted me to, but I failed one. I didn't put effort in, because I didn't want the goal. And that finally made her accept that I want to be a kindergarden teacher. To this day im listening to "you could have been blah blah", but I dont care.

In that off time i grew a lot. I found the jse community. I stopped being dependant on their content. I started to heal for real. I slowly built myself an ego and expand myself. The things I should have done years ago, when I was a kid. When I was taken that chanse away.

Luca. She made my life so difficult and I dont think, she knows it. I could bet that she didn't see herself damaging. I bet she still doesn't see that. But... that doesn't change anything. It doesn't give me back my lost time. It doesn't matter. I ended up how I am now because of her. While it was a tough road, there are things that I wouldn't be the same without her. I wouldn't have the community. I wouldn't have the friends I do now. I wouldn't be the same, the me I worked so hard for. Of course, if she wouldn't intervine, itd be easier. Probably, who knows. I think it would be. But moarning on it won't change it. I have set my motto to be "Don't worry about the things you can't change, it only causes you more stress", but I havent applied it to this situation.

It is time to do it. It is time to let go of those bad feelings. Of course thats easier said than done, but I have the power to it. I allow myself the time to do it. She is my past, a past that shaped me but doesn't define me.

It is time to be unapologeticly me

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: this is why i don't wear shoes Ali: i have lost one??? Ali: rescue it if you see it Carly: what do they look like Ali: just a kinda tan sandal thing Ali: just a penneys special so not the end of the world, should chuck the other one so someone can have the pair Carly: come & bring me food & then youll be here to reunite them Carly: but yea k will lean out my door & see if its there Ali: love the enthusiasm, babe 😜 Ali: can feel your come down from here Carly: dont barely remember the come up Carly: wtf happened last night Ali: not in a much better position myself but uhm Ali: mayhem, that's for sure Ali: i think you might've gone home with the wrong cousin Carly: shit Carly: my bad Carly: better read my txts Carly: who did you go w ? Ali: didn't go that far with anyone Ali: 💍 remember and such a 😇 Ali: ronan was in a mard though and i weren't up for listening to that so 🤷 Carly: aw Carly: sorry baby i'll calm him down Ali: it's chill 😂 bless him Ali: no need on my account tho i'm sure he'd be down, despite protests otherwise Carly: my inbox is Carly: cba w this rn Ali: oh baby, want a bacon sarnie and a secretary? Carly: yea Carly: gonna throw my phone w your shoe Ali: i woke up to a mystery dickpic on my phone Ali: is it rude to ask which one it belongs to because lads, sorry, not that memorable that i'm picking it out of a line-up Ali: you'll know, been more recent, i'll come over with food and lucozade for real and ruin your day with that lovely image and the actually rather creative sexts that went with it Ali: 10/10 for effort, sir Carly: cant put it on the cv or school report but my memory for 'em is good Carly: if ive seen it i'll id it Carly: ill laff if its the large ginge cousin whose name i never got Carly: sounded like a cough Ali: that's a talent and if the man can't see that, fuck him Ali: and his job in tescos, like Ali: i mean, shouldn't have a preference but i hope not 😂 Ali: soz honey but Carly: thanks baby Carly: I hope its that token english Carly: he was fit Ali: can reply if you like Ali: worse ways to waste a sunday morning than messing with boys Ali: sounding like a priest Ali: oops Carly: ha Carly: i found some fucking funny vids of us so maybe the phone shouldnt go out window before youve had a look Ali: yes, i need to see that Carly: [sends her fave of the vids] Ali: aww Ali: we're fun drunks Ali: love that for us Carly: yea Carly: im a messy bitch tho Carly: no wonder i went w the hero cousin Ali: meh, things happen at parties, everyone knows that Ali: not like you're proper attached is it Ali: though he's gonna be annoying now probs but day in the life when you're irresistible, yeah? Carly: youd know babe Carly: he wont be on site long never is Carly: so idc Carly: saved me for a nite boy youre welcome Ali: duh Ali: hottest couple in town Ali: one for the wank bank anyway Carly: yea & he is fit Carly: give him that Carly: esp when i dont understand what hes saying Ali: the best kind Ali: a boy you don't have to speak to 😜 Ali: if that's all it takes like, whip out the Gaeilge Carly: youve got the giggles but yea Carly: true Carly: but on site id just have all the oldies chatting at me if i could Carly: not trying to make them go weak Ali: they ain't daddies? boo 😥 Carly: some got many kids but thats it Carly: say something to me then Ali: [sends voice memo, probably has dirty words she'd recognise from site life and lots of loling] Carly: k Carly: so hot Carly: if your gf is mad at me for stealing you last nite you can smooth things over w her like that Ali: might have to Ali: though it ain't you she's 😤 with Ali: poor ronan, shoulda done more than snog him if she comes for him, not even worth it for that Carly: ill protect him when he lets me back near Carly: cant stay mad at this Carly: sure your girls the same Ali: She's mad 24/7 babe, just gotta hold on, like 😂 Ali: we want different things now but that's not a convo for this morning like jesus Carly: whos got the energy Carly: cba w angry Carly: yea you want a sarnie Ali: exactly, and i wanted to have fun last night but may as well have said i want his dick in or around my mouth k bye babe Carly: ha Carly: that would be fun tho Ali: tell that to past you, dashing his threesome dreams like 🤷💔 Carly: still time Ali: not me you need to promise baby Carly: yea but id rather talk to you Ali: 💚 Ali: you cute Carly: all you Carly: how you look so good coming from band? wtf Ali: psh please Ali: it was all about you 🙇 Carly: if that was true why is every memory i got from last nite just you Carly: facts Ali: had to get you away from that mirror somehow, like 😉 Ali: it was fun Carly: ha Carly: cuz your talents got me like Carly: yea it was Ali: helps when the canvas already beautiful babe Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Ali: 🍓 Carly: gonna make me cry Ali: don't cry lil one Ali: the bacon is coming Ali: got roped into doing a shady kid swap, where is my ma, take this demon child Carly: you can bring him if you want Carly: ill put clothes on before Ali: cockblocked again 😉 Ali: nah, he needs to go get shoes Ali: ironically and unlucky, twat Carly: what size is he Carly: i can ask around when i look for yours Carly: lads flog everything and anything here on sundays Ali: his feet are big man Ali: he's only little but he's lanky af, unlike me Ali: that's fun tho Ali: imma go shopping Carly: aw Carly: yea wish i was taller Carly: ffs ma and da Ali: literally Ali: least neither of my sisters are model tall or i'd be more raging Ali: we make it work, babe Carly: & i dont have any sisters Carly: well done on that one tho ma & da Ali: speak for yourself Ali: i'm gutted Carly: oww Carly: trying to replace me like the vows were no thing Ali: you know you're my one and only Ali: but a woman got needs Carly: thats what your gf is for Carly: no Ali: yeah but i'm allowed wishful thinking too Ali: damn Carly: ive given you the mental image of me naked Carly: what more you need Ali: are you jealous of your hypothetical sister? Carly: yea if you like her more Ali: aw baby, 'course not Ali: she's a ride, yeah, but bit of a bitch too, like Carly: ha Carly: takes after our ma like Ali: sadly, straighter than you Ali: 👎 Carly: like theres a ranking Carly: just straight or not yea Ali: I mean, it is a scale but I'm not gonna try and bond with your Ma giving her the test for it, like Ali: could we tie her down for a sec, obvs Carly: hit her when shes washing up Carly: takes long Ali: okay, i'll dry 😉 Ali: what an offer Carly: trying to make me vom now Carly: take crying or blushing over Ali: soz babe Carly: her & my da dont fuck but still dont reckon youre her type Ali: don't know what's worse, that, or knowing they do Carly: im good w them not Carly: sound carries Carly: no secrets in the caravan Ali: sure there's a toilet block they could go to Ali: keeping it sexy Carly: sure my da's there doing his cry wank Carly: while my ma checks the talent Carly: we got that to look forward to in our marriage in a few years Ali: who's scouting who's cranking Ali: because frankly, i refuse either Carly: im the biggest slag so probs me Carly: sorry Ali: and I'm not Ali: igloo sisters how many times now?! 😂 Carly: ha Carly: but youre loyal Carly: me and my ma dont kno the meaning like Ali: am i Ali: you miss the part when i got on ronan Carly: o yea Carly: i forgot Ali: idk what i'm gonna do about that Ali: instant gameover but its literally so irrelevant Carly: hes a ride Carly: you should be excused for it Ali: she's a 6 on that scale, yeah, massive gay Ali: so she ain't seeing that, never mind the other shit Carly: shit yea Carly: dont tell her Ali: does that make me the worst? Ali: i should hm Carly: hes not gonna speak to her Carly: and if he brags you can call it that Ali: Yeah Ali: I don't know Carly: its that or tell her Carly: & say youre sorry Carly: we were all wasted Carly: not like you have feelings for him Ali: You're right, obviously Ali: like that's the truth but yeah Ali: might leave it unless I need to go there Ali: soz God, swing by confession later Carly: tell her youre a bi cliche Carly: she'd love it Carly: use the scale Ali: she would tho Ali: validate everything she's ever sneaky or not so thought about me Ali: soz, i need a constant stream of p n v or i die Carly: a girl has needs Carly: what am i a 1? Ali: its like dis Ali: 1- all straight 2- mostly straight but lil gay 3- equal/bi 4- mostly gay but still lil into opposite 5- total gay Ali: but not gonna resist the urge to tell you you a 10 Carly: 🥇 Carly: i like that you're 3 tho. 3's a lucky number Ali: and a magic one 🔮 Carly: yea cuz youre magical Ali: believe it baby Carly: i do Ali: right, finally leaving, be like 10 Ali: doing the opposite to a walk of shame rn, strutting back in like what's good Carly: you gotta Carly: own it baby Carly: havent found your shoe tho sorry Carly: maybe ronan took it cuz he loves you so bad Ali: 😂 oh my god Ali: like a horny puppy Carly: yea Carly: building a shrine to you rn probs Ali: or he wanna play cinderella Ali: such a ridiculous fairytale, as far as they go Carly: how wasted was the prince that he cant remember what she looks like Carly: k been there but not trying to wife anyone Ali: right?! also, sure plenty of bitches a size 5, like??? Ali: was it a magic shoe Ali: no explanation, frankly Carly: yea like me and you have the same size Carly: ill take your prince for a ride bitch Ali: 😂 Ali: he cool with that Ali: that's the tea Ali: boy gives no fucks, long as it ain't a man in drag Carly: he hasnt met your brother tho Carly: boy looks good Ali: eww Ali: stop that thought right there Carly: dont get jealous Carly: not gonna go there Ali: not jealous, but repulsed 😷 Carly: k babe Carly: if you say so Ali: trust, you wanna see jealous you'll see it soon enough if you go there Ali: 😂 bea don't fuck about Carly: have to go for one of your other hot brothers Ali: trying be my sister in law and wife Ali: kickin it country Carly: you kno Carly: been on site too long Ali: forreal, not gotta hang with the traveller lads that hard baby Carly: after last nite not gonna be hanging w them for a while Ali: let 'em fight it out amongst themselves Ali: defs for the best Carly: yea Carly: hide w me babe Carly: gonna be so bored Ali: gonna Ali: i'll peep their wares another day Ali: not a euphemism Carly: sounds dirty tho Ali: yeah, regretted it as i said it but hey Ali: love me a sale and a gypsy boy Carly: no regrets boo Carly: they love you too Carly: esp whoever send the dick pic Ali: the real mystery Ali: soz everyone else with your drama but we gotta know Carly: i do need to be knowing Carly: thats my wife lads Ali: awh you gonna defend my honour n delicate sensibilities Carly: yea Carly: youre an angel Ali: you're so cute Carly: its you Carly: my parents came back Carly: gonna have to run Ali: oh no i am en route Ali: where you going boo Carly: i'll catch you and we can find somewhere theyre not Carly: ha church Carly: can you eat there cuz im not looking to die for jesus Ali: yeah for sure, not in the pews like its the cinema, like Ali: can go park if you wanna Ali: or up the mountain if you can hack it, like Carly: youre so smart Carly: like your mouth Carly: but yea Carly: date time Ali: awh yeah Ali: this picnic ain't goals i'm so sorry babe Ali: least the weather's looking up Carly: idc Carly: get to be w my boo Ali: 😍 Carly: i look crazy Carly: havent got dressed faster w out getting fucked before since idc Carly: idk Ali: i like crazy Ali: and beside me you'll probs look totally normal 😉 Carly: you look hot every day baby Carly: facts Ali: all these compliments got me feeling 🔥 obvs Carly: thats how i want it Ali: gonna have you flying high too Ali: top of the world, baby Carly: aw Carly: whats in the food like Ali: 😂 Ali: just faith n trust n pixiedust, of course Carly: you can snort pixiedust yea? Carly: k Ali: you gon' be mad when i've got nothing but sandwiches and half a donut Carly: nah Carly: cant be mad at you Carly: too cute Ali: and donuts are life Carly: true

[gallifvrey]

alright here we go

(i am finally calm enough that i can express my thoughts in words instead of high pitched screaming)

i really, really loved that episode. i thought it was a spectacular end, it frankly went above all of my expectations. the ending w bill was very, very cliche but it was such a nice subversion of tropes, i thought it was really nice and good and i really did like it a lot

the beginning was really good - i liked the two regenerations of the master working together against the doctor (i am def. gonna talk more abt missy later tho) and bill coming back to save the doctor was, really great imo. 

i really liked nardole in this episode, he was a lot more than the comic relief that he had been kinda portrayed as in the previous episodes, and i thought that was really nice, i liked how his hacking skills were utilized in a way that made sense and i liked how he wasnt fazed by anything. he managed to be a funny character while still being a very critical one, 

i thought the master and missy talking and stuff was really interesting, i really really enjoyed their relationship and i thought it was great

i loved the doctor and bill talking. i wanted her to fight him, i wanted her to be human and he woke up and i wanted her to just punch him, to make him apologize for leaving her, for chattering on while she waited for him, because thats what he did. he didnt run down as soon as he realized what was happening (and you know he realized really quickly - he couldve just explained it on their trip down, he didnt have to spend all that time drawing diagrams). i was annoyed and i felt angry on bills behalf i guess that she wasnt able to get angry at him, that she couldnt yell at him like she (and i) wanted to. i almost hope she’ll come back bc i want her to talk abt this with the doctor, but you know, i dont think theyve ever really done that so im not too shocked

i didnt love missy. ive said this a lot before and ill probably keep saying it but i keep thinking that missys redemption arc is... a bit forced. ive been rewatching the previous episodes in the 12th doctor with missy and i realize now that she was moving towards being a “better” person, specifically in regards to the doctor (she didnt want to kill him at every step necessarily), but this whole thing still seems very forced to me, at least. imo the idea of her suddenly standing with the doctor was a bit strange. i havent seen the old episodes so maybe this is some kind of characterization that ive missed, and i know ive only been exposed to an unusually dark and manic version of the master but i liked where she was, i liked how maybe they werent enemies but they were opposites in a way (i think she peaked in the magicians apprentice tbh - that was i think as ~good~ as the master should get, as a character. likes the doctor but has complete disregard for anyone else. her standing with the doctor to save a bunch of people she doesnt know was definitely a weirdly out of character moment, at least to me)

idk maybe i just like watching the doctor suffer (is that weird? probably right?)

i thought her and the master stabbing each other in the back very literally was a good choice, it was interesting to see how the master regenerated, and im interested in how theyre gonna bring the master back (bc i will not believe that they actually killed her off)

the ending, i thought, was so good. i remember reading a thing a while ago about how moffat likes to write his episodes in a very fairytale-like way, and the ending definitely reflected that. i LOVED that bills girlfriend (bc i dont know her name , sry ) showed back up. i loved that so much, i loved how she brought her back to life and made her not a cyberman anymore, and how theyre traveling the universe together. i loved that! them like facing each other and then simultaneously turning and facing out the door and then holding hands and leaving was.. really cliche and seemed a bit silly but you know, ill take it (the gays in space was great), and the bit w bill crying on top of the doctor and then saying “when theres tears, theres hope” or something was also a lot but also sweet, and ill take it bc i was so emotional by that point in the episode i needed something that was stupidly sweet

AND THEN! AFTER THEY LEAVE!! THATS WHEN IT ENDED!! the montage of the companions saying doctor! just i cried!! this was the beginning of my descent, i was ready to depart and then it just ! kept getting worse! i keep talking abt how much i wish they made references to the old seasons (ex. when clara had to lose her memories for the doctor to say like, ive done this before and i hated it) but then all the sudden they did and i was ! not prepared! bc then he goes “i dont want to go” and like, there went my consciousness and boy was i glad that i was watching this w my family who wouldnt judge me bc i was not being rational

and then “when the doctor was me” like i didnt even realize he said that at first honestly i was so caught up in him saying i dont want to go and being emotional bc of that that i couldnt.. handle it, and him refusing to regenerate was so sad!! it was so much like 10 and 10s was the saddest regeneration i couldnt handle it!!! i am not prepared for this christmas special!!! !!!!!!

in conclusion, i loved the episode and am not ready to have my heart ripped out when it comes to the christmas special

[luraslunacyl]

Purple Ribbons and My Disdain For the Color Pink

I was a sophomore in high school when it happened. My day was pretty average, I went to 7am Bible, met with my friends in the band room, and then went through the classes I usually did. At lunch time, we sat together in a retired basketball gym that was now used for almost everything but basketball. My friends were laughing, and cutting up, and teasing me for how long it took me to finish a single lunchable-I often got so wrapped up in conversation that I would forget to eat my lunch.

And then suddenly I woke up to a pain of an IV being jabbed in my arm, surrounded by people who were vaguely familiar to me. It was as if I was pulled from the Matrix, or shaken out of a very deep sleep that I wasn’t even aware of. I was told that I had experienced a seizure, and that my parents would meet me at the hospital. My principal rode in the front seat, while an EMT stayed in the back with me. The EMT reminded me of a coach that taught history for me that same year, with a shaved head and the look of constant concern.

He was patient, and kept asking me about the date, when I was more concerned with the passage of time- how could he expect me to remember what yesterday was if I could barely remember today? All that I knew was that it was homecoming week, and that I had an excruciating migraine. He told me that I had slammed my head against the table, and that I had a black eye, but I couldn’t feel it. All I felt was the soreness that reached the equivalent of running  a marathon untrained, the exhaustion that made me want to sleep into the next century, and an uneasy feeling of nausea from the mild concussion I had gotten.

They sent me home that afternoon, deeming I was safe and that they were unsure if I would have another one. They say that ten percent of all Americans will experience at least one seizure in their lifetime. I took the next day to resting and trying to think of any subtle way to cover up the hideously purple black eye I had sustained, but nothing worked. Then it was Homecoming Friday, and I was excited to return to school.

Homecoming Fridays at my private christian high-school were the closest equivalent to Field Day that it got, except you weren’t required to participate, but you still got a half day. I had my basic ACA BAND shirt spread out on my bed with a pair of jeans and black socks, and my uniform bag hanging on a hook on my door. I was quick to wake up and get in the shower, even though my muscles were still acting as if I had been beaten. I was too tall, and too clumsy to stand and shave my legs, so I sat in the tub with my head leaned against the linoleum, focused on not cutting myself, when the world around me was black again.

I woke up that time on the couch, wrapped tightly in a towel, with the worried face of my mother and two EMTs that looked nothing like the ones I had seen two days prior. One of them asked me my mother’s name to which I replied, “Jean Cox.” But when he asked me my name, my brain couldn’t decide that it was a different question, and assumed that I too was Jean Cox. He asked me then if I was felt confused or disoriented, but frankly.. Who wouldn’t be, if you woke up in a totally different part of the house from where you fell asleep? The EMT talked to my mom about things that flew over my head, other than the fact that I had to have someone watch me while I took showers and that I couldn’t drive for the next six months. After they left, I started to cry. Not because I had experienced yet another seizure, not  because my mother would have to sit outside of the shower, not even because that I had lost the chance to drive after only having my license for four months, but because I was going to miss Homecoming. My mom reassured me, and had my father take me to see the homecoming festivities, even though I couldn’t participate with the band that evening. I’ll always be grateful to him for that.

The months after that involved a lot of testing, a lot of switching between drugs, and just general absolute stress that was debilitating that I would wish upon no one. A test that at first I didn’t mind, but have grown to hate, involves sticking glue to my hair and electrodes, and forcing me to hyperventilate until I induce hypoxia- essentially starving my brain of oxygen.

Every pilot goes through hypoxic training, where they all sit in a decompression chamber while air is oxygen is taken out, to simulate what it is like being at an altitude of twenty five thousand feet. The point of the exercise is for the pilots to realize that something is wrong, be it a leak or worse, and to put on their oxygen masks before they get into too much trouble.

When you have a tonic-clonic/grand-mal/classic seizure, your breathing can be interrupted.  You aren’t exactly aware that you’re hypoxic even when you’re waking up, you just feel like you’re floating on a cloud. It’s quite euphoric.

When you’re inducing hypoxia yourself however, it’s much more frightening. Your body lessens the amount of oxygen to the rest of your body to try and give the brain as much oxygen as it can, giving you this numb sensation like everything from the neck down has suddenly fallen asleep. You don’t feel in control of your body, and despite your desire to stop, a nurse tells you to keep hyperventilating, and suddenly you’re very aware that you’re on a cloud, but that you’re twenty five thousand feet in the air and without a parachute. I have done this test at least eight times in my life, and have never produced results from it. The last time I took it, I berated the technician, and my mother scolded me, but the tech didn’t even flinch. I think they understood too that it was the kind of panic you just can’t handle. I apologized to them later.

It’s been six years, and I finally do have an answer to the area of the brain my epilepsy starts in. It shouldn’t have taken me that long to find out, but the more I research epilepsy, the more I realize how little people really know and understand, even neurologists are baffled as to how the medication they prescribe keeps their patients at bay. Worse than that, sixty percent of epilepsy cases don’t have a particular known cause.

If there is any advice I can give to anyone who has just had their first seizure, it’s to not let it sweep your feet from underneath you. Don’t get frustrated when people ask you about strobe lights, they’re just trying to help. Don’t berate, instead, educate.Don’t be afraid to have a moment for yourself if things feel too tough, chronic conditions are hard to deal with, and while the people around you may mean their best, sometimes it’s easy to feel like they have the condition instead of you, for how concerned they are.

To the parents, or children, or anyone who knows someone dear to them who is having seizures for the first time, get educated. While there isn’t a lot of research, just understanding the DOs and DONTs can make all the difference when an episode does happen (I’ll post these at the very very bottom of the page), and if you’re calm, the people around you will be calm too. Stay strong, and take help where you can get it. To the parents especially, no one knows your kid better than you do, and keep that in mind when you’re finding medications that work and are visiting neurologists. Stay strong, but heal yourself too.

The following rant is a hundred percent selfish, but I have to get it off my chest, as someone with grandmothers who have survived breast cancer. Why is it that there is an entire month, trashcan, and national marches to spread awareness of breast cancer, meanwhile there are people who still think it’s acceptable to put a wallet in someone’s mouth while they seize? Why is it that a breast cancer sticker on your car makes you a feminist, while three weeks ago I got a message saying I was possessed by Satan for having seizures?

This coming October, instead of putting on a pink ribbon, consider donating or educating yourself in a different cause, and I don’t mean just epilepsy. There are lots of diseases out there that affect the people around you every day that could still use improving and education. Below, I will list a number of diseases and conditions that could always use more educating and funding, linked to a place where you can donate to any of the causes of your choice.

Asthma

Epilepsy

Focal Segmental Glomerulosclerosis/Nephrotic Syndrome

Progeria

Emphysema

Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome

Parkinson’s Disease

Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease

Dementia

Alzheimer’s Disease

Diabetes

Suicide Prevention

Dos and Don’ts of Seizures

Do check for a medical ID.

Do call 911 if: they have injured themselves, if they have no record of seizures prior, if they are pregnant, or if the seizure lasts longer than five minutes.

Do keep yourself calm and the people around you calm.

Do move the person experiencing the seizure out of harms way. Remove glasses or sharp objects.

Do move the person into a recovery position with their face tilted down in case they need to throw up or drool.

Do time the seizure. Seizures typically only last 2-3 minutes.

Do stay with them as they awaken. They will be confused and disoriented.

Don’t put anything in their mouth.

Don’t try to restrain them or hold them down. .

Don’t leave them alone during or after the seizure.

Don’t attempt CPR unless the seizure has finished and they are not breathing.

[imanameture]

I think I am going to kill myself

This seems like the best place to leave it. nobody follows me here so nobody will try and stop me. It is friday, october 6th 2017 at 1:16 PM. and i think im going to kill myself.... hopefully today. hopefully before my roommate gets back. I might attempt to hide myself... just, go someplace else. 

im tired of trying to talk to people, therapy is only making it worse. i think i would just rather die

now before someone tells me that its a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” might i remind you that in death... I wont care. i’ll be dead, I cant be missing life or regret what i did. If i am already dead.  I’ve wanted to for years

people just always insist on stopping me why though

everyone says all these great things about me but how many of them truly know me

how many of them know my favorite color or why i liked photography

who knows what it is that makes me a BAD person

people always try to convince me i’m good. 

im not good

I like to look at both sides of the spectrum

I like picking the bad guy

because i see why they did it, 

i can easily side with your standard disney villans, like scar and gaston (sort of, he was an arrogant dick i know, but so were most men back then and frankly most continue to be) 

I can remain neutral on things like mass shootings

I dont stand for hate crimes. that i cant do, people suck, we are all temporary, mortal, but honestly the same, we can be boiled down to the same basics, human beings, coming from different places results in variations in appearance and beliefs, culture, food, anything really...

i believe there are no good guys, or bad guys. people make choices based off of where theyve been and what theyve been through. and while it might not be whats good for you, it could be whats good for them. I mean really. out of everyone in this world. you’re probably thinking about whats best for you before you think of whats best for anyone else.

Which brings me back to my point

I think im going to kill myself

this is the decision that is best for me. 

In 19 years, I have never enjoyed confrontation, it makes me anxious, it makes me angry, it makes me scared and confused. I dont like it. I can not stand it.

So i never tell people whats going on thats bothering me or hurting me or impacting me negatively

I never told my parents that their constant punishing me for my grades, made having friends and a social life hard, I couldnt go to birthday parties or movies or the mall, because i struggled to get good grades. I couldnt do school, So i couldnt have many friends, that was fair, thats a productive punishment.

I never tell my boyfriend when his constant insecurity and bellyaching about things bothers me, Because i love him, I want to help him, i do, but i want him to remember that because we’re doing life together. it doesnt mean every aspect of our lives need to involve each other, I made plans with friends,you should too. I love him. and thats what makes doing this so hard, the one heart i cant bring myself to break is his. he only wanted to love and support me this whole time, he just wants to give me the life i dream of. he wants to give me the world. and i know he’s trying. and im so grateful that i got to spend these last four years with him. but i dont think i can do life any longer. I dont have the fighting spirit he fell in love with anymore. its not your fault, you did everything right. i just cant do it anymore. You are so deserving of love babe, you have so much to give, even if you cant see it. you do. thats what makes you a good friend, a good listener. an amazing boyfriend and an even better fiancé. Im sorry for taking me away from you, but someone who can love you better. who can make you happier will come around, she will give you the life you deserve. 

I wish my friends could help. but they tend to make it worse on me. I know i dont talk much, but please stop saying im secretive( that goes for you too family) Im not secretive. i just dont know how to address people about my problems. and when i bring it up, and you comment on how im finally talking. it makes me regret it instantly. I know i dont talk. I KNOW. but i dont need to be reminded of it, especially when im upset,

 Thanks uncle dad.we’re very similar, you told me that at least. But the days where i’d be upset and you’d just sit there with me while i laid in bed, quietly crying to myself. not saying much. just, existing there... it helped.

Since school started, i’ve been holding out, i havent done it yet, because my roommate was not ok after losing a friend earlier this year. and it sucked to watch her be like that. but i dont want to make myself suffer anymore, i’ve suffered in silence for so long, its unfair to me to have to stick around when i’ve already been so sad for at least 11 years. i dont want a lifetime of it

theres no guarantee that it’ll be a lifetime.

but honestly. theres also no guarantee that it wont. 

my friends have been going through their own things. i worry about them, and i love them, but honestly. once i reached the point where i no longer valued my life, i stopped valuing most lives. human lives.

 I still care about animals. they’re cute and bring me calm. I would love to have my cat here, or be able to adopt a kitten or a puppy, they’re sweet and small. theyre warm and i could hug them when i’m down, but my mother says no. so i dont even bother bringing it up to a therapist. 

I wish my friends werent going through what they are, none of them deserve it. the hardships and pain of life. of growing up. of learning to adult.  I hope they live long happy fulfilling lives. They deserve it, they deserve the best.

Ive hated my life

the more i think back on it the less i feel like it matters

my life that is

look. you want to know something insane, that i still dont understand

how could someone so ugly, be molested so many times

like

wow.

kindergarden

7th grade

and one time at summer camp

i guess thats not a lot. 

but i think one time is too many,

genuinely. 

MY BODY

has been taken advantage of

by so many people, they decided, not me, that i was theirs to touch, and stroke, and grope...

i guess thats why i cant stand physical contact with strangers... or anyone who  i haven’t explicitly told they are trusted.

i’ve been writing for an hour.

WOW

this really feels like a suicide note. 

Ive been saying goodbye for an hour

My therapist said to contact him if the feeling to kill myself ever came. 

not happening

I’m not telling anyone... not even my boyfriend,

i cant tell anyone, they’ll just try and stop me.

I could point fingers and blame, but i wont.

My parents were wonderful. They made mistakes, but no parent doesnt,  life comes with no handbook, and when you have to maintain your own and build something sturdy for your children, so they can live a good life. it can not be easy. I think you guys did amazing. and i love you. even though you can drive me absolutely mad, I love you guys. my parents are my first love. theyre amazing.

My sister is my favorite person, we always had a good relationship. shes my sister, she taught me everything i know about life, She does everything in her power to help me. to fix things for me. to make me laugh and smile. Most recently her daily spoop messages. she’s the reason i maintained an interest in anything, She sends me memes, and links, and music. she shows me plays and movies. she has the best cat, both of my sisters cats have been my favorite, when we got shadow i was 6, and scared of her, I wanted a dog not a cat, but we got a cat. and after a while i warmed up to her, shadow was gentle and sweet and beautiful. she would come to drink your milk after you had cereal, and she would lay on my foot when i pet her to keep me from going away. and laf is the cutest most noodly cat i have ever met, he’s thin and floppy like cooked spaghetti. and i love him.

I wish, i could put into words. why i cared for the people i did so much, why i did everything in my power to make them happy, 

but i cant

and if you’re reading this i’m sorry.

I cant keep making up excuses to live another day.

i have shit grades, i have a shit attention span, I barely have job and i know i’m not good at it. 

i’m not good at anything, I’m not creative, i cant draw, my photography is sub par, I suck at making new friends and honestly i feel like nobody really wants to get to know me. 

I dont believe suicide is the answer

i never have

but I dont think i have any other way.

I had dreams of getting married, and starting a family. I had dreams of studying abroad with my friends. I wanted to move to california. I wanted to see every disney. I wanted to travel the world with my best friend. I wanted to freelance.

I dont want much anymore

shit. i dont even want to eat most of the time

i dont even want to finish this post.

it is now 2:36 PM

Im wary... i am unsure if i can. 

but i think i will

I THINK IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF

[sassysaysfucku-blog]

Im not really sure how to start this out for it to flow well so Im just going to jump into it and hopefully yall can follow. On September 9th 2016 i attempted suicide. I downed a bottle of vodka and about 30 muscle relaxers. I didn't take the pills all at once, i dont know if my intention was to die or to just take all the emotional pain away to be honest. So i took a few at a time..and continued doing that until i passed out. I was in and out of sleep, my body felt really heavy and i could feel my lungs starting to go in to paralysis. At this point i was somewhere in between fear and relief. It was almost over. I wouldnt hurt anymore. But let me tell you, no matter how much you want to die, actually feeling yourself dying is really fucking scary. I dont know how long this went on but i was asleep again when my mom came down stairs and started freaking out and shaking me. I could barely open my eyes to look at her. She called an ambulance and some how i managed to walk upstairs by myself. And then i must have blacked out again and i woke up in the ambulance (those people were super rude to me btw). At the hospital i was in and out, every time i woke up i asked for my mom and they lied to me and told me she wasnt there and she was because she followed the ambulance, i saw her driving behind us. They didnt let her see me for about an hour and at that point my sister and brother in law were there. I vaguely remember waking up when they came in the room. They wouldnt pump my stomach they were just going to let the drugs run through my system. Well i fell into a coma. I was out for 4 and a half days. I had swelling on my brain and abnormal brain function. They didnt think i would wake up and if i did they thought i would be brain dead. They tried to bring me out the coma a few times but i was unresponsive. From what ive heard my eyes were dead. They were open but i wasnt there. When i finally did wake up i had a tube down my throat (because i aspirated into my lungs) and a room full of people crying because i was finally responded. (I tried to pull the tube out lol and when the doctor took it out it was quite painful). A lot happened to me while i was out though. I had a nurse that didnt pump my lungs like she was supposed to which could have killed me and the doctors tried several different medicines on me. When i woke up my memory was so bad i couldnt remember something for 2 seconds, i couldnt work my phone, i couldnt walk, and i talked really funny and slow. I was in the icu for two or three more days after i woke. Once i could..kind of walk again they put me in the psych ward for 5 days. That place... it could honestly have been worse but every second i was in there i just wanted to cry. Now the thing about the muscle relaxers i took is they dont run through your system the way normal ones do. They attach to your neurons and once you think youre done detoxing off of them another wave hits you over and over again, and id start feeling all messed up again and slow and my legs would feel like jelly. I went through this up until my 3rd day in the psych ward. At least it was really strong until then. I didnt start getting back to at least semi normal until about a month after i got out. I was still talking funny and my memory was still awful, and its still pretty bad but im decent at hiding it now and i talk normal. My sister and her husband didnt leave my side the whole time i was in the hospital until i had to go up to the psych ward and then my sister visited me every chance she got along with my mom and Danny (my boyfriend.) My sister and her husband helped me so much while i was in there and took me into their home and helped me even more once i got out and even decorated a room for me and everything and ill never be able to express how thankful i am for that. And im so thankful for my boyfriend sticking by me through all of that and his family for being so understanding. And my mom for welcoming me back home with open arms when i was finally ready and for never losing hope. So, why did i do it? Ive struggled with depression since i was about 12 and about that same time i started self harming. The self harm didn't last long because hiding the cuts was too difficult. Ive had a pretty traumatic life, but im not going to get into all of that. I struggle with anxiety. I am constantly over thinking something to the point it can make me have a break down over the tiniest thing or make me feel completely insane. I felt like i was constantly fighting with everyone. I felt like i wasnt good enough. And quite frankly my life was falling apart. How am i now? Well to be quite honest i still feel the same way i did then, i just honestly put up with it. Every single day is a struggle for me to make myself get out of bed. To make myself talk to people. To make myself eat. To shower and put on makeup. To go to work. All of it is so hard constantly to the point it makes me physically hurt on top of all my other health issues.90% of the time i dont express this to anyone because people expect me to be 100% okay or else they think im going to attempt again and freak out if i take a nap or go to bed early or dont respond to a text right away. If you actually made it this far, thank you. Im posting this for 2 reasons; 1.) I needed to get all of that off my chest. And 2.) I refused to really talk about it or answer anyones questions about it until now. Im okay with talking about all of this now and if you still have any questions feel free to ask. ~love always, Sassy 💗