#ive deleted most evidence tho :)

[sparatus]

ao3 meme

tagged by @omniblades-and-stars thanks daisy!!

tagging uhhh @helila @threewhiskeylunch @commander-krios @thetrashbagswasteland and whoever else wants to

my ao3 is NoisyNoiverns for the record

How many works do you have on AO3?

127. dont look at me.

What's your total word count?

normal amount. 1,365,339.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Broken Mirror - 127 kudos, mass effect, first fic of my no-reapers au

Coffee & Cuddling - 113 kudos, mass effect, shiara fluff piece i wrote for a fandom secret santa back in 2016

The Spectre's Greatest Enemy Is His Niece - 94 kudos, mass effect, kryterius + implied desabrudas, saren is babysitting his niece on the citadel when nihlus turns up. i think this was taniria's first ever appearance actually.

breathe in, breathe out - 90 kudos, mass effect, kryterius, short ask prompt fill

It's Not Like That (Except How It Is) - 83 kudos, mass effect, kryterius + implied desabrudas, yes-reapers au where both saren and nihlus survive me1, series of vignettes of saren insisting he's definitely not in love with nihlus despite all evidence to the contrary as observed by everyone around him

i mean it when i say i used to be an old god of kryterius before i veered off into desabrudas and sparatus/oc content yknow

Do you respond to comments? Why/Why not?

ehhh sometimes i do most times i dont, if a commenter asks a question i definitely will but i have chronic "read the notif and forget to say anything until like 5 years later" syndrome. i do read them all and try to give shoutouts in the longfic a/ns tho

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

oh man that's tough, i dont usually go for angsty endings cause i have So Much Depression to begin with but. probably gonna have to say All We Can Do (mass effect, sparatus/oc), specifically because there really isn't an ending, there's no resolution. the fic focuses on the pain and terror ierian and teia are struggling with watching their new baby fight for her life in the hospital, and we end still there. callie doesn't get better by the end, eri and teia just have to sit in that limbo. i put it in my author's note that cal survives and grows up happy and healthy, but at the point of the ending, the pov characters dont know that and the audience just has to sit there with the ache.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

alright that's harder cause i love me a good happy and/or relieved ending. let's say At the End of the Rainbow (no-reapers desabrudas post-shanxi) cause it's the first one i found while scrolling that definitely i would call a happy positive hopeful ending

Do you write crossovers?

nahhh, ill consider them but ive never written one. m.e. x stellaris tempts me tho

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

people have gotten real mad at exdiff for having a nonbinary protagonist and broken mirror in particular for having a muslim woman who wears hijab in it

also some dude willfully misinterpreted everything i put in serpents in the garden (my m.e. big bang fic, oooh you wanna go read my xenopolitics nonsense so bad) and that upset me pretty bad (the comment is deleted but i still have the screenshot somewhere, basically criticized my entire plot and analysis because he just desperately wanted the councilors to be dumb and incompetent that bad and couldn't accept that i was positing otherwise)

Do you write smut?

not really, at least nothing published. i have a few M-rated fics but i dont go into too much detail it's all non-graphic

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yeah the original rise & reign and now the rewrite (i swear im still working on it adhd just went wheeee) are co-written with my partner @lightspeedpowerpunk aka xMidnightSun :3

What's your all time favorite ship?

you can't ask me that. if i must choose then probably a four-way tie between desabrudas kryterius barrix and spirian (sparky and my oc for his wife) but are we really surprised by that answer

What's a WIP that you want to finish don't think you ever will?

desperately want to finish uneasy lies the head aka bad end cause its soooo juicy but. dont like rehashing canon events. could just skip ahead to the next fic where it gets Juicy and we really get into the canon deviation but mltdog is necessary to actually set it up

note: i am notoriously stubborn and am hoping that answering bad end here will give me motivation to continue if only because my brain loves proving itself a liar

What are your writing strengths?

character work and worldbuilding, also i'm told my banter and dialogue are really good

What are your writing weaknesses?

TRANSITIONS MY OLD NEMESIS. also i personally hate writing action sequences and struggle a lot with them, i get comments saying i write them well but personally idk how since my experience writing them is "i hate this i hate this just get it over with"

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

don't worry about it.

What's the first fandom you wrote for?

i think. i think soul eater? it was either soul eater or hetalia (nods sadly along to booing), didn't really publish any of it tho cause i was 14 and anxious. it's for the best really

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet, but want to?

one of these days i'm going to pop up with stellaris fic about my custom empire. i tripped and got attached to the spiritualist pacifistic space peacocks. i am tying you to a chair and forcing you all to learn about the cevantian dynastic union against your will.

What's your favorite fic you've ever written?

well that's just rude. gonna cheat and throw down uhhhh 5? 5's a good number

Still on Patrol - turian ocs, naval horror, turian sailors at palaven's north pole encounter an old patrol boat out at the edge of their territory

The Man in the Mask - desabrudas, pre-canon, there's something Off about desolas arterius and valis isn't quite prepared to find out what

Serpents in the Garden - pre-ME1 xenopolitics feat. my pet conspiracy theory. this was my mebb 2023 fic and im still so chuffed with it there's a lot of small notes in this and i still get periodic notes telling me i got people to see the councilors in a whole new light

Prince With a Thousand Enemies - cnclr sparatus backstory, from a small anxious kid growing up in the far north to a baby law student trying to rebuild his self-confidence after abuse to a demigod. if you ever see me say "shayustu in the shatha's den" i'm referencing this. inspired by that one quote from watership down

To Catch a Rabbit - the kryterius murder mystery that started a whole series. saren and nihlus get sent to babysit an interspecies conference and think they're getting a free vacation but oops there's a locked-room murder to solve, and also anita goyle and fedorian and the lady sparatus and macen barro and some others are here. and they both have huge stupid crushes on each other but think it's unrequited because they're so so smart in literally every department except this one.

honorable mention goes to Blood In the Water, because i really did pop off with that one but it's 2nd in a series. i think you could read it without the context of broken mirror but it does have spoilers for that

[rhodeys]

🐙

hahahehe.... bet you forgot about this 😚 ANYWAY. WHERE DO I STAAART. moving on from the very obvious fact that i absolutely ADORE you, i swear you're one of the most well-informed people ive ever come across. like even before we talked and were just dash moots, i'd see the things you rb and id just be like. damn she know what she talking about 😭 and i wasn't intimidated but i was more in awe??? bcs you just seemed so smart and gave off bad bitch energy...... until we made proper interactions in ccnet nooo wait OMG i just remembered us discussing the mcu zemo thing which gets me back to my point where I JUST RESPECT YOU SO MUCH WDHNDBX sorry feeling extremely sappy tonight wifey. anyway. YEAH. ccnet. our interactions increased and it was so sexy getting to know you, and discussing the fucking INSANE anons you get, and i guess you're funny 🙄🙄 sometimes 🙄🙄 and WAAAHRHHEHD I JUST. also you're so mature n level-headed and i just. i respect that about you. AND OHHHHHH MY GOD CAN I. CAN I JUST TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR COMIC EDITS BCS. i love love how invested you are in your fav characters and its so evident through your work and i love that for you n i love love seeing your stuff (even tho idk nothing but just. i love seeing you doing your thing its like im a parasite leeching off of your comfort characters) also. you may have sentenced me to jail once or five times but GOSH im so glad we're friends (we're friends. right. right? bcs otherwise this is embarrassing ill prob delete this to save my dignity) also yeah you're one of those people who aren't afraid to point out if people are being wrong, and yeedbfbfdhfn back to the zemo thing you were so PATIENT with me and i just love that about you so much. ok im done being gay.

tl;dr: you're ok i guess

[sugaredge]

to answer questions ive been asked:

will frances return to twitter? i doubt it. for a long time, well after her and matt ended their relationship, her last tweets were of/about and retweeting him. i believe she only kept it up for the divorce proceedings for evidence of messages. i think she was tired of twitter for a long time (her friend gerard had left twitter a few years prior for productivity reasons, and frances has stated since moving she's removed the tv from her bedroom to focus more on art without distractions.) i miss her tweets too. i do wish it was left up but it was really mostly documenting years of her life she wished to move on from, so j understand.

does frances write poetry? yes, i've been trying to recover her old typewriter poems but so far i've only found two, when i know she has more. i'll post them when i can find the others. if not i'll post what i have. a few years ago she promised a poetry collection, possibly in book form, but music was also promised in the last two years. she has released tattoo flashes and a collaborative sweater since then, so while she may be focusing on other projects, i hope she'll return to posting or publishing her poems.

why frances is inactive on ig... i dont personally remember the post explaining her dog wolverine's illness off the top of my head, but i dont doubt it's existence, i live in another time zone and in 2016-2019 i was focused heavily on my studies and rarely had internet access to see all her posts. it does make sense however, although she seems willing to post her foster dogs and tiny tim on her stories when she does come online. she's removed a lot of posts however. the only recent one i can recall her removing is her song in her highlights which i saved and posted, about a day or two before she removed it. part of me is believes she'll entirely wipe her account or delete. i believe it may only be up for contact (she still likes most of jesse jo stark's posts for example) or for when she does release music, though she's removed all her songs and sentimental posts.

frances new spotify? alludes me to this day.. if i find it ill post it, but it isn't under her name. ive even checked her friends' accounts if they follow her, but it's truly hidden. but artists she's been seen listening to since then include doja cat, sza, slayyyter, the teskey brothers, yma sumac, nina simone, alice coltrane, the cramps, mereba, noah cyrus (who works with pj harding, who frances is also making music with), king princess, ashnikko, brooke candy, arlo parks, post malone, erykah badu, dorian electra, lorde, miley cyrus, dolly parton, linda ronstadt, emmylou harris, deee-lite, the vaccines, cowgirl clue, sharon van etten, karen o (she loves yeah yeah yeahs), mazzy star (she's always listened to mazzy star tho), she's still supporting mcr. honey honey band (one half is ben jaffe, who a she's been working with). she's also a good friend and supporter of paris (pk) jackson.

does she still like dolly? yes. despite covering the tattoo, she's been seen wearing her vintage dolly parton tee (it's first public appearance since those airport pics in 2015)

her favourite drag queens? well it was sharon needles back in the day. she's been seen hanging with kim chi, raja, alaska, violet chacki. she follows tayce, creme fatale, symone, bimini bon boulash, utica queen, sasha velour, jaida essence hall, aquaria, crystal methyd, juno birch, gottmik, shea coulee.

is she religious now? she's certainly spiritual.

[biaswreckingfics]

I GOT SO MUCH TO SAYYY!! gosh pls dont find me weird okay, and these are just my personal opinions and im not hating any groups!! but my unpopular opinion is: i think kpop has become very toxic after bts and bp got famous in America. And tbh if you ask me, i wouldnt want any other kpop groups to be famous in America... i only stan exo but i think i speak for all groups when i say they are safe as they are now... of course if exo ever get even more famous i will be happy and proud for their success. But look how fame and America has changed bts and bp... not tryna hate but look theyve changed, idk if anyone else noticed but after fame hits bts, i realised how theyve start to become very...white?? like they are so westernised and like example, they start focusing on America only, they even curse (not a lot but i’d still point out) casually like for example, jungkook singing a curse word in his cover song for jason derulo savage love i think (speaking of cursing, after nct127 got famous in usa mark started getting influenced by them too and he casually cursed like “oh fuck” and everyones like 😃😆) even i curse and im not saying cursing is BADD but yeah i am, and how they sing a whole song in english, not to even mention how toxic america is but in grammys they have sold tons of albums yet they didnt win anything but when they release an english song, they won.

Some half of them americans are very toxic, racist, and just theyre basically acid, like bruh, its evident that once bts got famous there are soooo much hate thrown towards bts too cuz theyre asians, or how some would say theyre gay or look like girls...if my favs (exo) ever get these kinds of treatments (not that they dint but veryy little cuz thank god they ain exposed to the western culture) i will B R E A K, i could never handle that so i would never want that to happen to them. Also noticed how, after bts got famous, most armys are equally as toxic, whether they are just stanning bts just cuz theyre famous there, or like how their fans dont even know anything abt bts and coming after so many groups and their fans. Most of them are fake and i think its cuz of the fame for bts lmao. One thing i’d like to say too tho, is how they are so overrated and their songs are played all the damn time, people would randomly talk abt them, like everywhere you go THEY ARE JUST THERE, like in my opinion if i am an army, i would just feel like they are so common and theres nothing special about them anymore and theres no excitement, like what even is the point anymore. idk if anyone gets me but thats just how i feel about my favs being “wOrLdWiDe fAmOuS”, i will love them and their music but its just something i think about tbh🤷🏻‍♀️ like let me listen to them on my own and vibe and love them, dont play it 24/7 just cuz they are famous and ure tryna get people’s attention, like imagine ure in the subway and u hear ur favs song cuz its EVERYWHERE and ure there like 😐😐 not that u dont love their music but its cuz horrible people dont deserves to listen to their songs, and like people arent going to appreciate them anyway so yeah i feel uncomfortable listening to my favs as others dont even bother, like imagine if that subway is filled with people who are in ur fandom, yall would just hv the best time in the world and VIBE, if not what even is the point. Idk if im explaining it properly, but its badically like, u feeling UNCOMFORTABLE or should i even say SELFISH cuz u do not want to be sharing ur favs with people who dont even deserve to KNOW about them. Basically like seeing how someone you HATE or bullied you back then talking and being all friendly fake with ur BESTEST FRIEND or even boyfriend/girlfriend, cuz u just want to protect them from EVIL (im so dramatic)

And well lastly, no Bts did not paved the way, or “bts is the best and only group” like no, so many amazing artists were breaking records way before bts was even a thing (no hate to bts) but they really need to get slap for having that mindset, they really make a bad image for bts...tbh kpop before was so peaceful (a little toxic but still, compared to now...BYE) and everything was just about idols and fans love, listening and supporting and loving their music and just so comforting... urgh anyway thats all i wanna say and here are some texts i saved relating to kpop groups going famous worldwide uwu

these are also examples, and honestly speaking here, i dont want to be specific as in “exo” cuz i think this happens for ALL the groups out there and the love and relationship between the idols and their fans (family) are just beautiful, but for bts and armys... tbh i feel bad because i just dont see or feel any love they hv for each other (sure we see bts saying i love you armys or armys supporting bts but with all the toxicity in their way, theres just no spark or chemistry or bond no more it’s basically like one direction and their fans and thats all they are, celebrity-fan, but for kpop its family), i can see other groups and their fans interacting or how idols would light up talking abt their fans, but for bts, theres just soooo much mess going on in their fandom its not special anymore, they lost the deep meaning of their group love and IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT but YEAH DJSHSKSJ OH and to add somethign else, they got famous in America, look at all the collabs🤡🤡 blackpink with cardi b, bts with nicki etc... not that collabs arent fun... im just saying these american artists... they dont exactly have a good reputation (americans singing about sex (not the good kind), money, girls and drugs) 🥴🥴 dont influenced my faves and let them be exposed to the toxic culture YALL GET ME?? KPOP HAS THE LETTER K FOR A REASON😭😭😭 let them be their own shining star, not everything has to be involved or a part of aMeRiCa to be amazing.... PHEW IVE SAID IT NOW BEFORE ANYONE GETS MAD AT ME, I DONT MEAN TO SOUND RUDE TO YOU, if youre an american and youre no where near being toxic, I LOVE YOU but im just saying, the western culture is toxic and im just saying what ive been observing and noticing🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ ps: i still love exo till the max and everything about them is perfect and theyre just amazing people (everything i said that bts and armys dont really have anymore, i think thankfully, EXO (sorry im biased) most fandoms still have so much of the L O V E there and i find that extraordinary) and he fandom is so comforting and amazing and idk dkdjjdjss thats why i dont want them getting famous worldwide...sorry exols ANYWAY THATS ALL FOR MY RANT ITS 4AM AND I AM THINKING OF DELETING THIS💀💀💀 anywya sorry for taking up so much space but i just wanna say I FREKAING LOVE NO EXIT, NO LIMITS, basically all ur exo fics cuz why not🥺🥺 i think ur writing skills are amazing as well as the plots and all especially forsaken, and THANK YOU for two bbhxoc fics😭😭😭 i cant!!! also if u reached here idk i-🥲 i hope u didnt get mad or offended 👀

Reply under the cut!!

Kpop has become extremely toxic with the growth of international fans and the rise of 3rd/4th gen. I wasn't around to experience the previous generations, but I know damn well they weren't a mess like these newer ones are.

Gaining fame in America does seem to change idols, and idk why. The group members change and the music changes also. While I do enjoy hearing idols swear (guilty pleasure) and I am an American so I get to enjoy their English songs, I can see how it makes all the other cultures/countries feel some type of way.

I will say this, though, the Grammys are shit and I dont get why people care so much about them. They've proven time and time again the awards don't go to the best artists. However, this doesn't mean that I think BTS deserved a Grammy imo.

Americans are a very toxic and hate filled bunch (again, I am one, so I get to see this shit every day). I 100% know that some of the hate directed towards Asians is because of racism (as seen by the insane uptick in crime against Asian Americans right now) and because some see kpop male idols as too feminine.

BTS is literally everywhere, which is one of the reasons I stopped listening to them tbh. They'd be in commercials, on talk shows, late night shows, in magazines, on the radio, just everywhere. It took the joy out of watching anything from them just because they were always in my face, so I can see what you mean.

I feel like the relationship between BTS and army has changed (from an outsiders perspective). Its no longer about loving and supporting your group and being happy for them. Now, its "so-so wants this? We MUST do everything in our power and spam every possible thing ever so they get what they want". Its almost frightening. They also no longer care about the quality of the music being put out. Doesn't matter what it is, they stream the ever loving shit out of it and make it break records when, honestly, it doesn't deserve to (again imo).

Lastly, I didnt get mad or offended haha. I understand a lot of these viewpoints, and thank you so much for liking my work!! I do wonder what would happen if I made a true BBH centric fic and not just spin offs or continuations of previous works where oc ends up with BBH 🤔🤔 I think that fic would have too much power haha.

[selenas]

clareuchima replied to your post

you had a bieber era

honey....

[boy-porridge-vent]

April 9 2020 Twitter Thread Rant

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger. I'll only come here to vent or talk about my issues 

 Future TW// self harm ed suic*dal thoughts abuse idk, other stuff that is bad ig lmao This is my space to do with as I please

Even blocked my partner and best friends :) Happy now? Scum.

In fact, even just to make my abusive ex and my other cheating ex happy, I not only blocked them but blocked every from school I could find There. Now truly nobody knows me. Are you guys happy now? Forcing your victim to stay quiet & hide AGAIN? Like youve always done to me?????

Fake ass.... you claim to be my friend yet anything I tell you goes straight to my ex and drama starts again bc you pretend to be on my side hating her, then youre on her side against me Now youre taking screenshots from my friends and sending them to my ex... shady shit

call me a hypocrite yet youre being hypocritical on your story. I see haha

telling people to write in a diary instead of online, yet you've written how you feel online, you made 9-12 public posts for ~460 people to see, all with rants and venting about me, made 5 public stories about my friend and brought my name into it. When will you learn.

you say something like "you can talk shit and its ok, but when it do it, its not ok?" no, here's the problem. You do it in the wrong way. We actually keep it private and resolve our anger with friends that are also struggling bc of you and understand the situation

most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger.

when my friend posted to his story about you, it was on his PRIVATE VENT account.... what it's supposed to be used for....? Venting about how he feels abt my other ex copying him, and you giving into my ex simply bc you both dislike me. It's childish. 

You and my ex go on public ramblings for everyone to see and use direct names or usernames as if people are gonna hunt us down? Ive never done that to you. I talk about you with my friends at school sure, but online? I NEVER shared your username. NEVER shared your name. Nothing.

The only info people could use to figure out who you were was me calling you a cheater, using the word "whore" because thats what you CALLED YOURSELF as we were breaking up!!!!! And talking about your pet that you only have because of me

You also say me and many of my friends are cowards for blocking you, bc if we werent blocking you you'd be "all up in our dm's" is that why you made a whole new twitter account dedicated to calling me a clown and immediately blocked me so I couldnt find it?? Okay "coward"

I blocked you bc you've admitted to people that you stalk my instagram, you stalk my twitter, yet when i block you to make you stop (bc ive had issues with stalking before) you get mad??? youre like "ok coward, if you had nothing to hide then why did block and private"

because 1.) i dont like stalkers and you know that 2.) i made everything private bc you were literally throwing a fit about how my months and months old rants were pUbLiC and anybody could see them, so I made it private so ppl dont read about you,

now now youre mad bc you cant go through my twitter anymore without following  and you cant find anymore of your sacred screenshots. again, i have nothing to hide. thats why i havent deleted my old tweets. bc I stand by what I say.

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it

the other time i deleted was march 31? bc you decided to use your NEW bf to get onto his old account (which hadnt been active since 2017....) and retweet a vent of mine. I was like "yea no im not gonna have you stalk my twitter through your bf thats ridiculous"

after he retweeted, you went on that posting spree on instagram about how all my stuff was public. So i deleted the tweet he retweeted just to make you happy. It's either leave them public and you shame me for public tweeting, delete them but ur mad that im being fake? or make my account private and now youre mad bc you cant search through my account of 4 years like the gross rat you are

it's funny how you can also post public tweets about me for your followers to see, and when I find out I didnt say shit to you, didnt start drama with you, i took my screenshots and left. then you deleted them..... i bet if someone called you out for it you would pretend you didnt say shit until someone pulled out the screenshots bc that's what you do, you act like you did nothing until somebody proves you wrong w the evidence, then u pretend like "ohh those tweets! Um yea, uh..."

wit yo fake ass you were all our friend, you were in the friend group bc we cared about you, until you dated me on and off over and over, tried to fuck one of our friends after prom, crushed on one of my friends and your coworker, bitched at me if i didnt invite you to hangout.. even if you ween invited, dated me again while also dating someone from discord while also being sneaky with one of your neighbor guys. Calling me a crybaby for being upset about the breakup even tho you vented about your military ex for months and months..... you even went to your online discord friend who was now your ex and told him how shitty my friends and I were for not inviting you to the Halloween party..... funny thing about that... you chose to opt out. You wanted to spend halloween with your new bf, the one in college, but guess what? He left your ass to go to his own party, so after that THEN you changed your mind and wanted to go to OUR party

OUR party, which had maxed out the guest limit. You said you didnt want to go, so you got removed and replaced with somebody else who COULD and WANTED to go. Tough luck. You leave the line at the BMV, you get sent to the back. Thats how it works.

Then u told your discord ex how shitty we all were & made us out to be shitheads bc we "didnt invite u" we did invite you. u chose not to go until it was too late. that was ur fault. not to mention u had been starting drama & being weirdly sexual w ppl in the group at the time

you wanted to fuck my friend after prom despite knowing he was crushing on a girl & wanted to make it work??? Wanted to suck my friend's dick in the back of the culinary room despite knowing he was with another girl? flirting w girls online despite having a partner? disgustang

even now, u JUST got w a new dude & youre already telling people abt the weird shit yall do. Ur sending him to spy on ppl from the friend group. Getting him involved even tho he's really chill & I have no problem w him??? I hated J bc he was w you, I dont wanna hate this guy too

like damn shawty u say im a hypocrite for not lettin u shit talk.... i do let u. Ive caught u saying shit on twitter & insta but Ive never made any posts abt it like u did. i saw what u said on twitter, or even our dms when u call me a crybaby? but i never posted about it like u

i couldve totally taken a screenshot of your immature dm of insults and no actual argument and posted it all over the place, but I didnt. I couldve posted your vents and rants from twitter, your main insta, and your vent insta all over the place, but I never did. Yet you can??

[kyunsies]

OMG YES I’m obsessed w ryan and shane my most beloveds .. i love both series but i think lately ive been more attached to are you scared bc ive read most of the stories they read out in the past and it’s a vastly different experience reading it alone vs hearing them do it because they’re so reactive as they’re reading in ways u might not be when ur alone .. it makes the experience more comforting ! unsolved is superior for the interactions and believer x non believer dynamic tho!

ALEX THANK GOD SDLFJ i just deleted my post bc i was feeling lame lsdfjs but !!!!! me too i adore ryan and shane's dynamic so much and i have also been really enjoying are you scared more :) and ohhh that's cool you've read some of the stories before !!! they're all new to me and it i get pretty scared listening to them LOL ; idk if you've realized this or maybe i care about it too much but when they first did are you scared, i thought ryan would ask shane at the end of the story and see if he could tell if the stories were fake or real (and obvi they're fake) but now they don't do that anymore?? just an observation i guess idk if you noticed that as well !!! and unsolved is soooo so good but i will say the unsovled supernatural got a bit stale just because there was a lot more lack of evidence than what it used to be SLKDFJ but i still appreciated true crime <3 thank u for popping in alex i really am happy that we share the same love for both of them <3

[neutralblue-blog1]

Saw my second rheumatologist a couple of days ago. She was quirky, kind, and intelligent. I forgot that specialists could be like this tbh. She confirmed what I sadly already knew though - and I say this not because it's how Ive felt for a while now but because she admitted it herself lol - no one knows shit about fibromyalgia or cfs, and the shit they do "know" are actually just guesses.

Session began with usual "lets talk about your pain and sensations and do some pressure exams where I do stuff like drag a tissue across different parts of your body to detect hyper sensitivity" ect. Then I had to talk about my trauma which I suppose I had clearly misunderstood as simply "regular happens to us all" trauma due to my doctor's reaction. She looked horrified. She immediately jumped to my seeing a clinical psychologist as my first line of treatment lmao. And look, it's not that Ive given up on therapy.. I actually think it's an immensely important service hence why I originally did a psych degree.. It's just it's too expensive right now even with the mh plan discount. That lead her to suggest PEA, or Palmitoylethanolamide, a new super supplement which is supposed to be the new turmeric but is, according to the evidence base for far, comparable with some strong pain medication when it comes to pain relief (Ive tried understanding how it works through research but it's confusing - all I know is that it mediates and interacts with the endocannoiboid system which does have a strong link with pain perception and sensation). I'm at the stage tho where I've realised conventional medicine has mostly failed me and I need to start taking plant medicines or natural supplements even more seriously than I already do. Of course, therein rests another problem... with my using PEA is that a month's supply from a compounding pharmacy costs about $60 to $80. Moreover, as it turns out the pros of PEA don't start appearing for 3 months, so I'd need to spent at least $270 before it would begin to be effective lol.

I kind of laughed aloud unintentionally when she told me this but you know, this is what happens when you get diagnosed with an elusive illness that medical science doesn't understand - I mean they've established a basic mechanism but the rest is a crude estimation at best. When I told her I couldn't afford the PEA but ~thanks4thememories~ she looked sad and so I thought "stuff it" and just suggested my trying the buprenorphine patch, justifying it as being like tramadol but less sloppy and covered by the pbs, she looked at me like id just lit my own fart. I told her straight out I wasn't interested in codeine, or oxy or morphine or fentanyl - I don't want to be high as a kite, I want to be functional. I gave her a continued justification and she was like, in a nice socially awkward way, "pls stop now so I can respond." More or less she said "maybe," and that she'd make some inquires. I'm pretty sure her letter to my gp will be like "she suggested the buprenorphine but that's not being prescribed she's only 28 yo lol." Anyway I'm going to delude myself with optimism again and pretend her "maybe" has miraculously turned into a "yes" because I can't handle my pain rn

I can't handle my pain and all joking aside it makes me wish for a calm gentle eternal sleep to wash on over me. Some nights like tonight, where I've been too fatigued all weekend to do anything but lay alone in pain and malaise, and now, new week, and I've contracted this cough and cold combination (again) and I feel just so suffocated by illness. I feel helpless like a child, and all I want is to be nurtured but my partner is working 60-70 hours a week doing a PhD and teaching and they are absolutely exhausted - there's just not enough time or energy or money between us it feels sometimes. They are so special to me and I want more time with them badly but these are sacrifices we make to be with good hearted, exceptional people.

Its the times where I'm enveloped by illness that I am at my weakest and most sad I suppose. Sad or pathetic, or both.Either way it's cathartic to write it all down. I feel like I have no other agency besides my introspection.

I'll likely delete this post later. Just speaking into the void here, oversharing in a public domain, don't mind me.

[bluebuzzmusic]

SoundCloud Issuing Swathe Of Strikes Against Producers This Morning

If you’re friends with any producers on Facebook, there’s a good chance you saw at least one of them complaining about SoundCloud this morning. A number of producers, a total we haven’t even begun to calculate yet, have been struck with a bevy of copyright strikes, most of them dubstep producers.

Among those affected were Mastadon, Slimez, Subtronics, Xaebor, Ubur and Wooli. There are likely many more who haven’t yet made the news public or perhaps even more coming. We don’t know.

It seems that the takedowns are a result of a malicious third party who is claiming copyright on songs not belonging to them. There’s currently no way for SoundCloud users to dispute directly with whoever has claimed copyright, so it’s near impossible to accurate track down whoever might be committing this nefarious act. However, evidence points to an account calling itself “DR EGG” which has been leaving strange comments with many of the producers affected by this incident.

While anger and frustration should of course be directed at this unknown perpetrator, a fair amount of producers are also bringing to light SoundCloud’s own ineffective security and clearance process. A statement from SVDDEN DEATH given exclusively to Your EDM reads, “SoundCloud is ruining the dubstep community by allowing anyone to claim a song as their own and remove it from existence. Until they fix their take down policy, I will no longer be uploading songs to this platform.”

A petition has been started on Change.org in an attempt to bring light to SoundCloud’s floundering and often ineffective copyright system. Sign here if you wish to add your voice to the discussion.

A statement from SoundCloud to Your EDM states, “Our takedown notification process is designed to respect copyright, and it is our policy to review all infringement claims per the guidelines outlined in our Help Center.

“Upon review, we have determined these copyright claims are not valid, and are happy to report we’ve reinstated all affected content.”

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someone just false copyright striked ALL of my songs that are 100% me and now they are gone on my pro account I’ve spent…

Posted by Svdden Death on Thursday, November 15, 2018

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9 of my songs were taken down from SoundCloud overnight for copyright claims. I am at a total loss for words. Years of…

Posted by Slimez on Thursday, November 15, 2018

So literally every tune I've uploaded to Soundcloud this year just got taken down fuck my life

— MASTADON (@mastadontunes) November 15, 2018

So basically all my songs where just deleted off SoundCloud UHHHHHHH yeah it’s happened to basically everyone I know at this point and SoundCloud is essentially dead so I’m not really even shook tbh

Would be sick if they came back tho

— SUBTRAWNIKZ (@Subtronics) November 15, 2018

In light of recent soundcloud events x ive taken all of my music off all of my accounts for the time being. they'll all be up in the next week along with a new tune

— xaebor (@XaeboR) November 15, 2018

Hey so @SoundCloud looks like somebody mass copyright striked my account is there somebody I can speak to because this is a false flag and Im going through the process right now to fix all of this pic.twitter.com/5piKVQytss

— UBUR (@uburdub) November 15, 2018

Apparently some kid is going around getting songs removed from Soundcloud right now. One of them was my collab with @mastadontunes . Hopefully it gets resolved soon. Poor elephants :/ They will March again

— BRIDDIM BOY

(@woolimusic) November 14, 2018

I’m at the point where that until SoundCloud changes their copyright take down policy my self releases will only be ~45 sec. of audio and full on all other streaming platforms

— SVDDEN DEATH (@svddendeathdub) November 15, 2018

SoundCloud is dying and it’s trying to take dubstep with it lol

— HEROBUST (@Herobust) November 15, 2018

This article was first published on Your EDM. Source: SoundCloud Issuing Swathe Of Strikes Against Producers This Morning

source https://www.youredm.com/2018/11/15/soundcloud-issuing-swathe-of-strikes-against-producers-this-morning/

[pllsetskyonice]

@yuriplisetsky is a size queen

Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky

2,900 words

“What are you talking about?”

“Your Twitter? Your thread that spends about ten tweets waxing poetry about the size of my dick? Everyone’s talking about it, the fans are going crazy, I had Victor ringing me up half an hour ago to ask if it was true and if I really had deflowered Russia’s Fairy like that, and I just – what the hell were you thinking, Yuri?”

In which Yuri gets drunk and Tweets some things he probably shouldn't have.

AO3 link

So @94mercy made this post that headcanoned that Yuri gets drunk one night and talks about the size of Otabek’s dick on social media, and I immediately knew I had to write it. Otherwise known as me just wanting to join in with all the hung!Otabek content that’s been coming out of this fandom in recent weeks. 

(Also tagging @daddybek because that’s where this all started back in February)

They’ve been dating for a few months when it happens.

Yuri goes round to Mila’s for a few drinks after practice one day, and they steadily make their way through a bottle of vodka, laughing and talking about their respective partners. The music is loud and Yuri feels all loose and giggly as he reaches for his phone, taking selfies and documenting their escapades on Snapchat. He’s never been this drunk before, so drunk he’s not even sure what order his memories from the last few hours go in, so drunk that he can barely stand, so drunk that the room is spinning.

He sits down and opens Twitter, starting to type. He doesn’t even think about what he’s Tweeting, just starts a thread and keeps on going until he gets it all off his chest. Mila is grabbing at his hands and pulling him up so they can dance together again, and Yuri’s phone lies on the couch, forgotten.

So he doesn’t see what he’s done until morning.

-

It’s the sound of his phone vibrating loudly on the bedside table that wakes him up. He’s in Mila’s spare bedroom, a small sized room with what feels like the most uncomfortable bed he’s ever slept on, but it evidently didn’t bother him at whatever time he collapsed onto last night. At least he made it into bed, he supposes. That’s an achievement, even if he’s still wearing yesterday’s clothes.

He grabs at his phone, squinting at the screen. It reads 6 AM, and is somehow fully charged, even though he has doesn’t remember plugging it in last night. It’s far too early. Yuri wants nothing more at this particular moment in time than to roll over and go back to sleep to avoid dealing with this hangover from hell, but it’s Otabek that’s calling him, so he supposes that he’d better answer.

“Hello?” he says, his voice sounding all croaky as he unplugs his phone and rolls back onto his back. There’s light streaming in through a gap in the curtains, and Yuri would get up and close them properly, but they’re too far away to deal with right now. Instead, he opts for the easier option: pulling his blankets over his head.

“Yuri, what the fuck?” Otabek asks on the other end of the line. Even in this still half drunk, hungover state, Yuri can tell that this is Not Good. “What were you thinking?”

“What are you talking about?” Yuri replies. He wonders if it’s about his and Mila’s Snapchat stories, but from what he can remember there’s nothing too outrageous on them, just some really bad singing in questionable English to pop songs neither of them like.

“Your Twitter? Your thread that spends about ten tweets waxing poetry about the size of my dick? Everyone’s talking about it, the fans are going crazy, I had Victor ringing me up half an hour ago to ask if it was true and if I really had deflowered Russia’s Fairy like that, and I just – what the hell were you thinking, Yuri?”

Yuri fumbles with his phone, opening Twitter with his phone call with Otabek still active in the background. He doesn’t even need to go onto his profile to see it, it’s all over his timeline. “Oh, shit,” he swears as he scrolls through the Tweets. “I don’t even remember posting any of this. I was so drunk, Beka. So drunk. I’m sorry.”

-

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

Alright buckle in its gonna be a bumpy ride let me tell you a thing or two about the size of @otabekaltin’s dick

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

I hope you’re ready bc I sure as hell wasn’t the first time I saw it – tho in fairness he did warn me about it beforehand

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

But I’m gonna be honest here and say I had to take a moment when we did somethinh sexual for the first time bc girl, I couldn’t’ cope

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

Shall we talk about the time he fucked me for the first time?

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

YES WHAT A WONDERUFL IDEA KETS CARRY ON TALKING ABOUT THE SIZE OF MY BOYF’S DICK FOR THE NEXT TEN MINUTS

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

After all of the prep (srsly ive never seen so much lube lmao) he finally entered me (is that even the right word idk I’m so drunk rn)

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

I’ve never felt so full in my whole life it was SO GOOD 10/10 WOULD RECOMMEND (although hands off he’s mine)

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

honestly tho I swear the sex gets better every time? He REALLY know what he’s doing with that thing let me tell you

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

I did once ask if he needed a licence for it, he didn’t take it well lmao. Anyway, tl;dr: @otabekaltin’s dick is a godsend and

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5h ago

I am forever grateful that I’ve got to experience such a masterpiece so many different times in so many different positions

Christophe Giacometti @c_giacometti · 5h ago

Replying to @yuriplisetsky, @otabekaltin

Holy mother of god is this true? PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS TRUE

Yuri Angels @yuriangels10 · 5h ago

Replying to @yuriplisetsky, @otabekaltin, @c_giacometti

AHAHAHA WE’VE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR AGES WE CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

-

“Yeah, I figured, from the numerous spelling mistakes and yours and Mila’s Snapchat stories from last night,” Otabek says, sighing. “But that doesn’t make this okay, Yuri.”

“I know,” Yuri says miserably as he continues to scroll through the shit storm that’s taken over his Twitter. “Do you want me to delete the tweets?”

“I’m not sure what good that’ll do at this stage,” Otabek says. “They’ve already been screenshotted and reposted too Tumblr and Instagram and Facebook so many times that deleting the original tweets doesn’t mean that people will stop talking about it.”

“True,” Yuri agrees. He hasn’t checked Tumblr yet but he already feels like the Yuri Plisetsky tag will be trending on there, full of screenshots taken from Twitter and detailed posts discussing it all. Instagram will be full of people screaming in the comments, and Facebook will have people criticising his decision to share this all on the internet for everyone to see. No doubt someone has already put together a compilation video on YouTube of closeups of Otabek’s crotch with Yuri’s tweets edited onto it. “I can’t apologise enough for all of this. I’m so sorry.”

-

russian fairy @plsetsky · 4h ago

@yuriplisetsky is a size queen

Jenna @xxknifeshoesxx · 4h ago

Replying to @plsetsky

I can’t believe that this is confirmed, what the hell

skate away @quadloop · 4h ago

Replying to @plsetsky, @xxknifeshoesxx

Is it just me that rlly wants to know just how big Otabek is now?

russian fairy @plsetsky · 4h ago

Nah (I mean it might be bordering the slightly creepy territory but still, SOMEONE FETCH THE GUY A TAPE MEASURE)

-

“I know,” Otabek says. “I’m not happy that this has happened, but it has, so we’ll deal with it – oh no, Victor’s just messaged in the group chat.”

-

Victor: EXPLAIN YOURSELVES

Victor: [multiple screenshots of Twitter threads]

Yuri: …

Yuri: why the hell should we have to explain ourselves to you two??!

Victor: BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IN THE SKATING WORLD IS TALKING ABOUT THE SIZE OF OTABEK’S DICK AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVE IT AND WHY DID YOU POST THIS ALL ONTO TWITTER?

Yuri: jesus

Yuri: stop yelling

Yuri: I was drunk and said some things on twitter, it’s not a big deal

Victor: It very clearly is!

Victor: Yakov is going to have your head off over this, I’m surprised he hasn’t called you yet

Victor: If you thought he was mad at you after Welcome To The Madness, then you’ve really got another thing coming

Yuri: I can handle yakov thank you

Otabek: I’d make a joke about how if you can handle my dick you can handle anything but somehow I don’t think that would be appreciated

Yuri: oh my god beka

Victor: You’re right, it wouldn’t be appreciated

Yuuri: Maybe

Yuuri: Maybe it doesn’t matter because they’re both consenting adults and what goes on behind closed door isn’t anyone’s business but theirs?

Victor: Yuuri I love you but that’s not the point

Victor: They’re going to get people going on about this for months, in interviews, in articles, online… it’ll come back to haunt you in five years’ time at a party when someone’s flicking through their camera roll and finds the tweets and is like, “oh wow who remembers when?”

Yuri: alright I get it my tweets are a ghost that’ll come back to haunt me

Yuri: can we all please calm down I really don’t want to deal with this rn

Victor: Is that because you’re hungover? Well you should’ve thought about that before you got drunk and posted a bunch of stupid tweets to twitter!

Yuri: *true, not stupid

Yuri: and stfu victor

Yuri: no one cares what you have to say

-

Phichit Chulanont @phichit_chu · 3h ago

I’M YELLING pic.twitter.com/t35v5f

Phichit Chulanont @phichit_chu · 3h ago

Someone should get yuri drunk more often this is GOLD

Mila Babicheva @mila_b · 20m ago

Replying to @phichit_chu

I honestly don’t know if I should be apologising or not

Phichit Chulanont @phichit_chu · 20m ago

Noooo! Definitely not lmao I WANT TO KNOW ALL THE SECRETS

-

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 10m ago

@yuriplisetsky is this banana bigger than otabek’s dick? pls respond pic.twitter.com/235g5y

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 10m ago

@yuriplisetsky is this cucumber bigger than otabek’s dick? pls respond pic.twitter.com/43qg5

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 10m ago

@yuriplisetsky is this aubergine bigger than otabek’s dick? pls respond pic.twitter.com/4gaf35

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 9m ago

@yuriplisetsky is this leek bigger than otabek’s dick? pls respond pic.twitter.com/98rga3

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 9m ago

@yuriplisetsky is this can of dry shampoo bigger than otabek’s dick? pls respond pic.twitter.com/257g23

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 9m ago

@yuriplisetsky is this chair leg bigger than otabek’s dick? pls respond pic.twitter.com/5gsgj1

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 8m ago

@yuriplisetsky is this table leg bigger than otabek’s dic? pls respond pic.twitter.com/43tg83

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 8m ago

@yuriplisetsky is this branch bigger than otabek’s dick? pls respond pic.twitter.com/6grg24

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 8m ago

@yuriplisetsky is this tree bigger than otabek’s dick? pls respond pic.twitter.com/7gr32t

Yurabek For Life @yurabek4life · 6m ago

Replying to @slicetheice

@yuriplisetsky is this dildo bigger than otabek’s dick? pls respond pic.twitter.com/24gw46

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 6m ago

u ruined it

registered yuri angel no 4525 @slicetheice · 6m ago

gtfo my thread

-

There’s a knock on the bedroom door and Mila enters, a glass of water in one hand and her phone in the other. Her hair is messy and she obviously didn’t get around to taking off her makeup last night, as her eyeliner and mascara is smudged around her eyes and what’s left of her foundation is decidedly patchy.

“Hey,” she says quietly, walking forward and placing the glass on the bedside table. “Thought you could probably do with a glass of water.”

“Thanks,” Yuri mumbles, reaching for the glass and taking a few small sips. Though his phone call with Otabek has now ended, they’re continuing to text as they both keep an eye on what’s happening on social media. Victor keeps texting him too, and Yakov keeps calling him, but Yuri is ignoring those. He doesn’t need a lecture right now.

Mila shuffles on her feet, pulling the sleeves of her hoodie over her hands. “I’m sorry,” she says quietly, looking down at the carpet rather than at Yuri. “I never should’ve got you that drunk last night.”

“You do realise I don’t really give a shit, right?” Yuri replies. Mila’s head snaps up and she stares at him, brow furrowed.

“What?” she asks, confused.

“I don’t care, Mila,” Yuri says. “Maybe in a perfect world I wouldn’t have posted those tweets and sent the figure skating fandom into a meltdown, and maybe people at Google questioning wouldn’t be wondering why there’s been a sudden increase in people Googling what the average penis size in Kazakhstan is, but it’s not the end of the world. Otabek wasn’t best pleased at first but I think he’s getting over it now. If anything, it’s just given everyone another reason to be jealous of the fact that I’m dating him.”

Mila scoffs, a smile spreading across her face. “You’re something else, Plisetsky,” she says. “Are you going to tell me, then?”

“Tell you what?” Yuri asks, feigning ignorance as he continues to scroll through Twitter. He’s trending, but he’s not exactly sure how he’s supposed to feel about that given the circumstances.

“How big he is, of course!”

“Fuck no. Get out my room.”

“Technically speaking –”

“Did I fucking stutter?”

-

17 missed calls from Yakov

Yakov: What on earth is going on

Yakov: I hope you have a reasonable explanation for all of this

Yakov: I am concerned about that boy’s influence on you

Yakov: Please answer your phone calls

Yakov: Answer the phone when I call you!

Yakov: ANSWER THE PHONE!!

-

Otabek Altin retweeted

russian fairy @plsetsky · 5h ago

@yuriplisetsky is a size queen

Otabek Altin @otabekaltin · 1m ago

Replying to @plsetsky

Hell yes he is. ;) #yurisizequeen

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 30s ago

Replying to @plsetsky, @otabekaltin

#yurisizequeen CONFIRMED

-

Worldwide Trends · Change

#yurisizequeen

@yuriplisetsky and @otabekaltin are Tweeting about this

General Election

UK General Election ends in hung parliament

The King and The Skater III

@phichit_chu is Tweeting about this

#mysearchhistory

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve Googled?

Kazakhstan’s Hero

Otabek Altin is now being celebrated for entirely different reasons than the ones you’re thinking of

#thebigmeat

1,257 Tweets

-

Yuri Plisetsky

@yuriplisetsky

Gold medallist Russian figure skater. Otabek Altin’s boyfriend. Size queen.

St Petersburg

Joined March 2014

Born March 1

-

Phichit Chulanont @phichit_chu · 10m ago

@yuriplisetsky YOU UPDATED YOUR BIO AND I’M YELLING

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 10m ago

Replying to @phichit_chu

I was just showing who I am

Christophe Giacometti @c_giacometti · 8m ago

This whole thing is making my day #yurisizequeen @otabekaltin so how well does he take it?

Otabek Altin @otabekaltin · 8m ago

Now that would be telling ;)

Christophe Giacometti @c_giacometti · 7m ago

Is that code for “I’ve never had anyone take it so well before”?

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 5m ago

Why must I be exposed in this way

Phichit Chulanont @phichit_chu · 4m ago

You exposed yourself

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 2m ago

…true

-

Yuri: I’m never drinking with you again.

Mila: Yeah, whatever you say

Mila: I will get you drunk again and get you to spill your secrets all over Twitter

Yuri: NEVER

Yuri: NOT HAPPENING

Mila: Sure, keep telling yourself that

Mila: So, you want to have a few drinks next Friday?

Yuri: …

Yuri: Fine. I’m in.

-

Yuri’s been back at his apartment for a few hours, doing nothing more than curling up on the couch and watching Netflix and contemplating if he can stomach food yet when the doorbell rings. He stares at the door for a few moments, confused, because he no one’s told him they’re coming around. Maybe he left something at Mila’s and she’s decided to drop it off when running errands or something. Sighing, he pauses Netflix, drags himself off the couch and shuffles to the door, his blanket wrapped round his shoulders like a cape.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Yuri demands when he opens the door and sees Otabek of all people standing there. “You decided to just hop on the next plane to St Petersburg or something?”

“Um, yeah,” Otabek mumbles, brushing a hand through his hair as a faint blush spreads across his cheeks. With his other hand, he holds up a bag from the local convenience store. “I also got food. Wanted to make sure you were actually going to eat something today.”

Through the thin white plastic of the bag, Yuri spots a familiar label. “You got me Pringles.” They’re one of his favourite foods that he’s not really supposed to eat when he’s training, but they’re also what he really wants right now.

Otabek grins. “I did.”

“Have I told you how much I love you recently?” Yuri asks, making a grab for the bag. Looking like a kid at Christmas, he takes the lid off the Pringles and tears at the paper/foil one, before taking several crisps out of the tube and putting them all into his mouth at once.

“Well, you’ve told the world about how much you love my dick, but apart from that, no, I don’t think so.”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Yuri says through a mouthful of crisps, rolling his eyes. “Come on, get in here.”

-

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 13m ago

Look who flew all the way from Almaty just to be here! ♥♥ pic.twitter.com/36uhghefh5

Otabek Altin @otabekatlin · 12m ago

Replying to Yuri Plisetsky

It’s good to be back. ♥♥

Christophe Giacometti @c_giacometti · 10m ago

I bet it is ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Yuri Plisetsky @yuriplisetsky · 10m ago

Oh yes ;)

[memedokies]

(almost) every anon ask since fall 2016

if u havent noticed i am BAD at answering asks so here’s a Big Dump of most of the asks i’ve gotten in the past few months

ps; i’ve excluded pokemon suggestions bc i plan on getting to them at some point

Hihihi!!! What brushes do you use in fire alpaca??  i dont do much in firealpaca (esp not lately lol) but when i did use it a lot i just used the fill bucket and the standard/default brush to fill in gaps n such lol! i dont really draw in it, i used flash/adobe animate for the lineart and just fill in color in firealpaca :3

when did you start animating?   uhh when i was around 11 or 12 when i started digital art i guess? i just used photoshop for the longest time then got flash when i was like 15 or so

 How did you get flash?  i got the creative cloud dealie, its technically required for my school :—-0 

 hello!! what are you majoring in in vcu?? im thinking about going there for college  im in communication arts! omg cool lmk if u come here ill tell u where to get the best bubble tea

 how many fps do you use for your wiggly animations? i work at 24 fps in flash on twos but just end up using photoshop’s 0 second frame delay/ “no delay”?

 Hey love your animations! What do you animate with?  adobe animate 2017! (previously flash) 

You mentioned a YouTube channel but I can’t seem to find a link to it? Do you post processes on there? https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCovvoZxlQjFaIA7A3w_94Zw theres not much atm but i plan on posting a lot more, including process/speedpaints! 

i really like your art style gosh darn!!! everythings so fluid and stylized and nice aaa (also ur animations are goals) do u have any tips for someone still developing their artstyle????  WAH TYSM!!!!! compile art you already like and incorporate aspects from their styles into yours, BUT dont limit urself to one style! if u like something then try it out! do straight up copies (as PRACTICE, DONT CLAIM IT as your own ofc) of stuff you like to see how they work and what you’re clicking with. spending time on fundamentals is MEGA helpful so keep going back to that too! USE REFERENCES!!! draw …from ur soul…what makes u ..FEEL good

 how do you make that burn effect on your lineart? it makes it your pieces look sharper and even more interesting, it’s super cool!!  when i used to use flash for lineart and firealpaca for coloring a lot, setting the lineart layer on BURN with the coloring layer seeping a lil past the lineart would get this effect automatically 

(like on the whiskers. u can see it gets a brighter brown(?) and the warmer yellow on the ears)

but since then i’ve been using sai+photoshop more so i just do it manually! i’ll use this funny pic of me and my cat as an example lol

^i select the lineart/everything i want the funky color around

^slam that INCREMENT button a couple times

^make a new layer under the lineart

^fill that puppo with ur preferred color! something brighter works best, or even straight up white

that’ll give you something like this

then i open it in photoshop

and i mess with the pink line layer’s blending mode..color burn usually does the trick but depending on the Look you’re going for, saturation, multiply and overlay have some similar effects that look cool. 

i also usually get rid of the outermost edge of pink line that’s visible around the lineart, just so it looks a little cleaner? to do that you just select around your lineart, increment/expand selection, and delete/erase in the selection of the pink line layer

uhh yeah! lmk if anyone needs clarification on this, i have some other #TIPS on makin ur art look crusty and funky so…lemme know if you’re interested :—3

What do you use to animate? And, a more specific question, how do you make transparent animated gifs? adobe animate 2017! (previously flash) i export my animation from flash as a png sequence then open it in photoshop, where the background will be transparent and save it as a gif from there nyaaa

if anyone needs more clarification lmk and i’ll make a proper walkthrough :-0

 Hello!! Ur art is rlly pretty and so inspirational and nice to look at!! 💗💗 I was wonderin’ if ya had any tips on choosing shapes for characters? Like, when you draw shapes for a certain character, it looks rlly like it fits with the character’s personality n stuff!! ( e.g: Your Love Live! drawings!! The characters look so good in your style.) I’ve always admired how u did that n was hoping for some tips maybe?? Anyways, have a good day!!💛💖💟💜💝💞💖 HOOGA!! TYSM!!! and YEA you basically guessed it, i mainly just think about the character’s personality and translate that into a shape or Pheeling… 

especially for anime characters i look at the Very Subtle differences in the character’s original design..or possibly canon implications…for example kotori has slightly different eyes (it also says on her wiki page she has soft droopy eyes!) so i make sure to incorporate that Detãile

 anime wiki pages that have details like that is nice, for love live they have cute lil “charm points” which is really cool n helpful! listening to how a character is described in their world can give clues to what differentiates them which you can make more clear in your design

taking into account each characters context is good too, what they do/hobby/personality and how that could affect their appearance/posture/attitude

 YEAH its really fun to figure out certain characteristics and make it evident in their appearance! or. idk thats just what i do lol. hopefully this helps!

Have you ever seen the anime jojos bizarre adventure? alas i have not..i have some friends whom are into it so i’ll prob end up watching it sometime lol

sorry if this is obvious but!! are you the creator of Fork and Knife: Food Fighters?? your gif of fork is super cute btw!! yes i am!! wah tysm!!

Hey my little sister found your animation on an online art gallery and she really loved it! omg cool, thanks so much!!

Your style is so lovely!! OHG thanks!

your blog is so precious i love it a lot! your art is so cute too ^u^ waa thanks!!

Your art and animations art really cool! Keep up the good work! You are amazing!! aahg thank you!! :’333

 your art is fuckening amazing hh broe…tysm

 Oh my gee, I used to follow you on Deviant Art, and now here I am, finding you on accident. You’re still as talented as ever. =w= b hUIOpugh deviantart, my homeland..my origin.. thank you!!!

- O mg I love your art! 💕💕💕 thank you!! heart emojis!!! 💖💖💖

- your art and animations give me so much inspiration, thank you! everything about your style is so fun and it cheers me up omg this validates my top tier goal in life, im so glad!! thank you SO much!

Your style is so charming and adorable ;__; thank you!!

ur art is so gross in the best way possible this is the biggest compliment ive gotten thank u so much. i love making gross squishy awful drawings

IM SO HAPPY I FOUND YOU!!!! IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR AGES!!!!!!!!! I LIVE FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL ART!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! BHOLY CRAP THANK YOU!!!

 your art style is very cute ! 🌱 oohg thanks!! thanks for the little sprout emoji, i love her

GOOD ART!!!! good art good art good art EVERYWHERE I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! OHHGG THANK YUO

how do ya draw such cutely its driving me nuts Nuts NUTS !!! I LOVE SPARKLES AND BRIGHT COLORS AND FUNNY ANIMALS..its my lifeblood..thank u.. 

You’re a really rad artist! I’m Glad there’s some cool artists that are local! Have a good time at VCU! oh wow thanks!! 

Ur shapes r so good thanks i LOVE a nice wholesome shape!

I rlly like ur art style my dude thanks!! 

hi! just wanted to let u know that you’re wonderful and i wish u well in everything u do this is making me bVERY HAPPY THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

 Im love You!! IM L OVE YIOU

that meowth boy is so good. i love him as he is my son THANK YUO i too, love meowth a Lot

 I love how your art is basically lines and curves, it’s very cute oo thanks! 

i love your art style so much!! it’s so zesty? i cant think of a better word to describe but its like. zesty & refreshing & rly rly cool !!! THATS A BEAUTIFUL ADJECTIVE I LOVE IT thank u so much!!!

You seem like you would watch Osomatsu-san. I could see you drawin dem bois in you hella rad art style. osomatsu was the wildest ride of my life. tho i dont think i could physically be able to sit down and draw them seriously ever… 

 Pls make more angry cat comics theyr so halarious plllls 👀 more are on the way!!!!!!

Have you done a meet the artist i sketched one when the meme was still poppin..is it too late lol? maybe i’ll still do it

[consource]

“Cruel War Against Nature Itself”: Slavery and The Deleted Portions of Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence

By Sebastian van Bastelaer, ConSource Program Manager

The preamble to the Declaration of Independence, with its soaring prose regarding the universal rights of mankind, is one of the most recognizable passages in history. As the events of 1776 continue to recede into the past, its immortal phrases—“We hold these truths to be self evident,” “all men are created equal,” “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”—remain resonant.

What about the rest of the document? Following the preamble is an indictment spelling out charges against King George III, asserting, “The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states.”[i] Jefferson spelled out the many indignities that the King and his government had inflicted on Americans. While these are generally familiar to scholars of the Revolution, they are often overlooked by the general populace.

It is easy to understand how the core of the document has generally escaped the attention of most Americans. This indictment focuses on specific constitutional and political issues seemingly mired in the late eighteenth century, .. Indeed, reading the indictment without a sense of its context and its historical roots is like reading correspondence from a marital squabble long since resolved, whether by divorce or by reconciliation.  And yet, such sophisticated scholars as John Phillip Reid and Pauline Maier insist that that indictment was the core of the Declaration.  For Maier, the preamble that we all revere was but the intellectual launching pad for the Declaration’s real purpose – declaring independence because George III had betrayed his kingly responsibilities and was acting like a tyrant.  For Reid, the preamble was beside the point, for on his reading it’s the indictment that is the reason for the Declaration’s existence.  

The indictment presented by Jefferson for the Second Continental Congress demands attention, though, because it gives context and legal reasoning for independence. The Revolution was about something – and the charges against the King distill that something.  The indictment undergirds the inspiring language of the preamble and convinces a skeptical world – and, perhaps, a skeptical or heedless posterity – of the necessity of Congress’ actions.

Further, the overlooked part of the Declaration reveals the political arguments and commitments articulated by and speaking for the Thirteen Colonies. The grievances that made it into the final draft reflect the Americans’ priorities—the administration of justice, the operation of colonial assemblies, trade and tax policies, safety from domestic insurrections, and wars with Native Americans. The words and phrases and whole passages that did not survive Congress’s editing process also deserve our attention. Although in the summer of 1776  the colonies presented a united front against Britain—in fact, on July 19, fifteen days after the signing, the Continental Congress inserted the word “unanimous” to the Declaration after New York’s assent—divisions among the states and sections, and the interests of individual delegates, influenced the final outcome.

Jefferson’s original draft, which to his dying day he insisted was the best version, came under scrutiny soon after he finished his work. His fellow members on the “Committee of Five” tasked with declaring independence—John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Roger Sherman, and Robert R. Livingston—made few revisions.

Yet when the full Congress took up his work, they carried out a thorough edit that Jefferson later called a “mutilation,” Cutting about one-quarter of the text. Most changes were minor and semantical. The phrase “certain inalienable rights” replaced “inherent inalienable rights,” for example, and the line announcing independence was replaced by the language of the Lee Resolution. Other emendations and deletions proved more explosive. Left on the cutting-room floor was one particularly venomous attack on George III, as even the fiercely pro-independence John Adams found it distasteful. Moreover, delegates of Scottish dissent demanded the cut of a reference to “Scotch & other foreign mercenaries.”

The most significant change has caused much misunderstanding to this day. In his original draft, Jefferson had included a long passage blaming King George III for the slave trade. The “piratical” system in which “MEN should be bought and sold,” Jefferson argued, was the fault of the British king, who was merely interested in protecting the commercial interests of slave traders. Citing George III’s vetoes of colonial attempts to limit or abolish the slave trade, he insisted that the king’s protection of the slave trade was a “cruel war against human nature itself.”

Jefferson’s earlier writings had included a similar charge. In his 1774 tract A Summary View of the Rights of British America, he had written: “The abolition of domestic slavery is the great object …it is necessary to exclude all further importations from Africa. Yet our repeated attempts to effect this by prohibitions, and by imposing duties which might amount to a prohibition, have been hitherto defeated by his majesty's negative.”[ii]

Why did Jefferson included this denunciation of the slave trade in the Declaration?  After all, he was a lifelong slaveowner who had never followed up on his early, idealistic promises to abandon slavery.   The questions continue to fly.  Was he trying to forestall charges that Americans were hypocrites by foisting the blame for slavery on George III?  Was he trying to lay groundwork for a later American attempt to abolish slavery once the mon arch lost his power to interfere with American efforts to end the slave trade?  Was he so carried away by the task of framing the Declaration that he simply did not realize that delegates from Southern states would adamantly oppose any blow struck by the Declaration against slavery?

Regardless of Jefferson’s underlying motives, the passage’s inclusion was intended to make a strong point. Its length and tone underscored its importance: historian Garry Wills wrote, “The slavery clause, is, admittedly, emphatic by its position—last in the war-atrocities list, penultimate in the whole list of grievances (followed only by the summary charge of not redressing the grievances).”[iii] Jefferson was not alone in grasping the importance of this accusation; John Adams thought it was the best part of the entire Declaration.[iv]

           Why, then, did it fail to make the cut? One key reason was that Jefferson, after all, was not writing just for himself but drafting a document that would speak both for the Second Continental Congress in particular and America in general.  Dooming his passionate denunciation (whether self-serving or not) to excision were the interests of his fellow delegates and the states that they represented.  Slavery was still legal in every one of the thirteen colonies present in the Continent al Congress, and most Americans regarded it as part of the order of nature in all societies – ancient and modern alike.  Southerners regarded slavery as a useful source of labor and an equally useful economic and legal institution; Northerners recognized that they might well profit indirectly from slavery by their shipping’s participation in the slave trade both domestic and international: “tho’ their people have very few slaves themselves yet they had been pretty considerable carriers of them for others.”[v] Recognizing this whirling confusion of reasons and interests cutting against the slavery passage, Congress removed the contentious paragraph.

           This particular change made to Jefferson’s “rough draught” demonstrates that deep and contentious divisions within Congress, some of which would persist for nearly a century, would continue to threaten independence and American unity.  In essence, the episode in 1776 foreshadowed similar conflicts in 1787 in another body that met in the same building, in the same room – the Federal; Convention of 1787. Analysts of Americans’ continuing struggles with the issues of slavery and racism have concluded that opposition to slavery among American people and politicians alike was present but mild, confronting fierce and determined defense of slavery by politicians in key states.  As long as the moral case against slavery could not defeat the economic, legal, and political claims in its defense, such moral claims as that implicit in Jefferson’s “slavery passage” were doomed to defeat.  But they continue to challenge us today, as we struggle with slavery’s and racism’s odious and insistent legacies.

Sources:

Thomas Jefferson, The Declaration of Independence (1776).

Thomas Jefferson, A Summary View of the Rights of British America (1774).

Pauline Maier, American Scripture: Making the Declaration of Independence (New York: Vintage Publishing, 1997).

John Chester Miller, The Wolf by the Ears: Thomas Jefferson and Slavery (New York: The Free Press, 1977).

James Munves, Thomas Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence: The writing and editing of the document that marked the birth of the United States of America (New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1978),

John Phillip Reid, “The Irrelevance of the Declaration,” reprinted in Hendrik Hartog, ed., Law in the American Revolution and the Revolution in the Law (New York: New York University, 1981, pp.48-81.

Gary Wills, Inventing America: Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence (New York: Knopf Doubleday, 2017).

[i] Thomas Jefferson, The Declaration of Independence (1776).

[ii] Thomas Jefferson, A Summary View of the Rights of British America (1774).

[iii] Gary Wills, Inventing America: Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence (New York: Knopf Doubleday, 2017), 310.

[iv] Miller, The Wolf by the Ears, 8-9.

[v] Cited in Munves, Thomas Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence, 108.

[frecklesandpie-blog]

1.12.17-4.12.17

1.12 So I ended up not going to that event. But I think I'm going to try and go next week though . I think i am. My dad was great because I closed all my notes on time in my standards, and I left only fifteen minutes after eight which is like the second time i was able to do that. Many more to come. When i think about how overwhelmed I was I think the underlying thought was that I might not get over it. But if I think about what I did to get the things done, which is recognize my need to feel important and connected, realizing that I need to work on getting that need met in life rather than with client, recognizing my fear of rejection and criticism, and paying off by typing in sessions with clients, and doing that for the past two weeks since I returned, it actually didn't take as long as I thought to be able to get to the point where I wanted to be. A big portion of it was just psychological barriers.  Now it's the weekend soon and I need to deal with the presentation and the paper. One thing at a tine tho  I'm going to focus on remember ing stuff for the presentation first.

1.14 so I got over the presentation.the role play was fun, and I spoke fast for the presentation but I still go my points across and made eye contact. I think i did well given the limited amount of time I had to prepare . I'm heading home and I'm so excited to just lay there and do nothing between now and tomorrow noon ish. It feels weird to not be thinking about the presentation because that was my main preoccupation for the past few days. But in glad tho and very happy that I have free time. For this weekend I wanna work on that excel for intervention phrases. And organize all of that. I think. I also want to study or review the cognitive techniques. And finally just work on that family therapy paper. Yup . I will probably write a few pages . My main thing us napping for now. Yup.

1.18 The weekend was great. I got so many things done. And apparently at internship I am good enough note wise to be able to do some notes on my own. I'm sure other interns like Haley got that notice too. I want us all to be hired heh heh. Ive been nervous like all day today though. Nervous about first patient bc he seemed so intimidating . Nervous about the second guy bc he seems upset that I'm an intern but I did just conclude that without much evidence. And nervous about that other girl who seems so smart that I'm intimated by her too. And the n I think of all the nervousness I need to get through to become the therapist I want to become and that overwhelms me. I think of how I want to function better brain wise in my session too and I feel overwhelmed bc it feels impossible to me at this time. But then again a few months ago I thought managing the session time was impossible and compiling the notes was close to impossible. And being where I'm at risk assessment wise was also almost impossible and maneuvering epic the way I know now is also almost impossible. I feel like I'm slowly being sucked into their managed care way of thinking crap and I am not fond of that at all. Even right now I'm nervous. I think it's because of the celexa. It's gotta be that .

1.26 Hey there. I haven't journaled in a while. I think it's because I've been so tired and also busy with school and trying to enjoy my time that I had paper free. I feel like I've been quite distant from him. Or we have a quite distant. Like he's just playing video games and when he's not he's watching videos and we're not really interacting. It may be because we've been walking Chloe for the past 10 days and he's like a baby and needs to curl up and do his stuff when he feels overwhelmed by all the chores. But it's just weird. It feels like we havent been as interested sexually either. It maybe because of the Celexa. Which I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. Yesterday I went to an anxiety support group. Paid 9 but it was worth it. I realized from going to the group that when I have other domains in my life, it puts the internship and school and him into context. And I'm going to continue to do that. I think one thing that I have been reluctant to admit is that I've been getting tired of seeing his face and being with him physically so much. Like I need my space and I don't doubt that he feels the same way. Which is why I'm trying to go out more so that he also has his own time and maybe go out more.

I had a rough day at internship today. So many suicide work flows  and assessments. I m frustrated they keep coming up with things to correct for me. Sigh. Really annoy  but I'm going to see it as an opportunity to learn to do assessments accurately.my brain was just fried towards to end and my morale down. Sigh I was thinking unable to finish at 8 and ended up leaving around like 9:30 which I have to say I haven't done in around three weeks at least so that's good. Hopefully that won't be an issue since I will have regular patient going onwards next week and just way less psychosocials. I can do this. This is the environment that people work in. This is. It's true. So I will adjust to it and learn to adapt. And learn to manage my anxiety and tolerate it even since its not a stable enduring thing.

1.27 I'm feeling pretty sleepy today and down. Down probably partially bc he's going home today and won't be back til Sunday and he had some text from sal about a "beta invite" asking him if he wants to go. And those texts were later deleted. I don't know what a beta invite is but I feel demoralized that he hides stuff from me. I mean I already know he watches porn but what else? I also feel down because I have to go to the family dinner thing later and I'm dreading it.im dreading seeing them again. Having then evaluate me. Me helping with chores because I feel I have to please them. Mr dealing with the crap about oh yeah I'll drive you home and then making me feel guilty about not. I guess i don't have to feel guilty about it.and then that stupid fricken long trip. Taking those trips for like 20 years of my life is long enough. I don't need to d o more of it. See more hoarding  . See more things I hate  be reminded more of things I hate. I just wanna lay home in the warmth and nap and do nothing today so I have a break from everything  . I am quite excited to have Saturday and sunday to myself though. Quite excited. I was planning to just chill today and do nothing while pursuing clinical interests on those days. I dunno.i feel kinda down though suspicious. @@dream We were living in my old house. Yamoni hasn't returned from vacation and we're worried. Chloe let out of backyard. Found toe.pretty sure it was his. Old lady came out of no where asking for us to support her and care for her for a bit. In wheelchair. We said yes. Then we moved to big house all of the sudden. Lost his toe in the progress.i found it amidst a bunch of stuff . Then old act suspicious. I followed her. Followed her to mall to a family event at the mall I was already going to . Saw that she was being suspicious. She got caught and was not actually in wheel chair. She got up to run. People got onto her. Turns out she killed him for his money and was taking our money this whole time. My family wa s there and I told  him to act inconspicuous as if we were friends.  some family event for myself. My mom said I told you so. She couldnt be trusted even though she totally trusted him. Then we went to some church event. I bumped into some old church acquaintances. I noted they saw me wearing glasses. Then i wento change into contacts. Saw a black girl in dark bathroom. Needed her to be there bc I freaked out.other people in big bathroom stalls were Asian. She was only black girl. Everything was really dirty. I was trying not to pollute my contacts.

1.28 Today was just an awesome day. Yesterday was awesome too. I'm not going to lie, him being gone is like stereo noise gone. Everything is so peaceful. I enjoyed it. Today I didn't pursue any clinical stuff.i spent pretty much the whole day reorganizing stuff in the room. Most of it was my stuff anyway. And then i put up the new shelf which is si beautiful .I m going to take nubs out tomorrow. And I'll probably pursue some clinical things tomorrow.

2.1 Hello there. I haven't been in the mood to journal as extensively for some reason. I was thinking about it today and I realized for sure that I do have stuff on my mind, it's just putting what's on my mind to paper has been difficult. Yesterday was my first day of class. How did I feel about it? Well research was good. I talked to people. There were people I knew. I think I wanna be friends with the Joe guy. I think. And then next was clinical 4 which was not bad either because I spoke with the girl next to me. I think I wanna try and talk to people more. Just like comments. Not necessarily conversation because probably like me, they're wondering who in the classroom they can trust or feel comfortable with. And me using my voice and smiling helps with their perception of me. I find that planning our even a few minutes beforehand what I want to say and how I want to portray myself helps. The last class was the one that's triggering. I saw two quiet people. Then I saw that outspoken girl. Maybe impartially jealous of her and that's why im hating. That's probably it. But I do want to make if a goal to portray myself as friendlier bc rhen I wouldn't have to focus my mind on making friends but just portraying myself as friendly. I think the goal or expectation of making friends is way unrealistic at this point. I think I need to focus on feeling comfortable with people. Or more like feeling comfortable being more friendly and outreaching with people. I'm going to my professional seminar class now. I hope that girl isn't there. I wanna try and be more friendly and not take unfriendly reactions or less than friendly reactions to my friendliness less personally. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I just met this person. It more than likely means that's the way that person reacts to me in those circumstances. I made it a goal yesterday of reinforcing my own boundaries at home and I feel good about it. I ended the show watching on my own terms and he played video games while I did reading .I quite enjoyed it because then , on my end, I didn't feel like I was rejected, and felt like I had control over what I wanted to do and felt the desire the pursue my clinical interests. On his end, I think it helps him feel less guilty about playing video games, and more free. Definitely more free. I imagine he probably feels the way I feel when my mom isn't saying things like are you going to see me this weekend? Or it's so late why you go home so late. It feels much freer when she's not saying those things and basically giving me space. Yesterday night was awesome too. I did the process recording. Spent an hour on it and then chilled for the rest of the night. Tonight is a late day. I'm scared that I might end up leaving later. And I really dont want to do that. I really really dont. Like from a 1 to 10, it's a 10 that I don't want to leave later. I'm going to try to not do that by ending early on my hour sessions. Like 20 min earlier. I'm excited to have no where to go on Friday. I guess that actually would help make up for Saturday because I have my allergist appt that day, I'll be seeing Kiki that day. And I kinda want to go to the party on that day. So I can practice going up to people and talking to them. I also can't wait to cut my hair tomorrow! The only thing I'm worried about is possibly feeling too exhausted by the time I see Kiki. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I can enjoy my time with her. I really can. I can be in touch with myself. Be comfortable. I can. And then I can bring clothes to change for the party too and contacts to change later. For when I see kiki and go to the party. I can even bring a nutter butter as an incentive. Benefits of going? It'll be a learning experience, a practice experience. It'll have positive effects on my socializing in the classroom and at internship. I would feel more comfortable and confident with that temporarily (or not temporarily)added domain to my life. Yesterday I saw that Filipino girl in class. She's at one of the cool mental health clinics and I really feel jealous. Though when I think about it there are definitely both pros and cons to psychoanalysis and the so called evidence based practices. For one evidence based ones are in higher demand and more "popular" on managed care terms , though my interest does lie in psychodynamic orientation.  Plus. It may be that she is learning that way if thinking now but I will too. I will take those classes and learn too. I will get there. Also if I had actually gone to a more psychodynamic place I would've sort of partially consolidated my prejudices towards the"evidence based " practices. And would not realize as I do now how useful and effective and helpful it can be.

2.6 Happy Monday.. I'm not too excited that it's Monday but I don't dread it to much either. I was going to do my process recording this morning but I realized that i needed to journal to clear my mind. My weekend was too awesome and relaxing. I did nothing on Friday. Then i saw mom on Sat and also went to a lunch class with Kiki. The kung fu class was interesting. But what was great was that I really felt like I did enjoy my time with Kiki. I originally wanted to go to a party afterwards but I realized that it would probably drain me way too much and that it was best to start small. Today though I am craving more social interactions .I tried to look to see if there were any meetup today but I didn't see any that interested me. Tomorrow I have a support group thing at 7 that I might go to. I might. Not sure. I'm thinking though that since it's at 7,the two hours before that would be a great opportunity to get homework done. Since on Friday I have all these appointments and will probably see mom then. That's what I'm thinking. Because if I get my homework done then then I'd have the whole Saturday to chill :D which would be awesome. When I think about Saturday I'm also craving to go to some social event. I think unfortunately though I wish it was me, it's probably the Zoloft and the new chemicals in my body that makes me crave this. Whatever though. I'm going to be on it for a few months and I'm going to make the best of those few months. Did I tell you how classes were? I think I did. I was and still am glad that I was able to speak up twice I think in two of the classes. That perfectionist girl right now is where I'm channeling my resentment unfortunately, but I'm not even acting out on it. Tomorrow i have classes again and I think I'm going to focus on  talking more to people. For research I can talk to Kristi I think. For clinical I can talk to that new ish friend ish girl . I think her name is Jillian  and probably someone else  that class too. I want to because it's my last semester and I have nothing to lose. I just gotta seem Friendlier and people should be more likely to talk to me on their own too. I also gotta work on more eye contact. And then that last class is like the most intimidating . Let me brainstorm where would be the best place for me to ditto feel mist comfy... Probably with Tara ? But then in my head I think ew I'd be sitting with the quieter people. but it's okay. My goal is to be comfortable talking in class for that class specifically . I've been unintentionally thinking about ifh this past weekend even though it's something I don't want to do.  I guess it's just the fact that they see me somewhat positively has given me hope that I could potentially work there. I know I'm just building my hopes up for half and half reasons but I'm going to allow myself to do that because its not like I'm not going to look for jobs just because I'm putting all my eggs in the ifh basket. Because i still will look for jobs. But now that they see me more positively there has been twice where my mind has gone to the place where I worry imight "fail" that image in someway. The thing is that it would be hard for me to "fail" that image because this whole time.. the things that I do and the decisions I make was based on my own standards (which I refuse to let other people label as perfectionist or "low self esteem") and was also based on my own desire and own drive and motivation  for clinical development. None of it was based on their standards. Im going to brainstorm though and think about what some or thing criteria they have are that I met that has led them to see me more positively.. I stay later to be sure I finish my notes I mostly try to check off all the checklists of a note I am able to put in fine phone outreaches I reach out to Alex and Jennifer when it requires. I reach out to Tory when I have questions. I make sure I do all the suicide assessments with each red banner patient . I show self awareness with patients. Or try to. I show initiative in learning on my own. I try to write progress notes on my own standards. I checked the clinicians standards and previous comments before sending a note to them. I smile to other staff. In general I do. I try to manage my own care team by following up and doing letters and discharges. Which I want to continue to do.

I want to work more in managing my own care team. I want to work on referring to care management or something. I want to be more I do si assessments via phone with red banner patient s. I want to more readily reach out to other clinicians or collateral contacts. And documenting them. I want to work on being a little more talkative with other people and clinicians.

Yeah. In feeling nervous right now but I think it's because I want to poo...when I get home today I also want to work on reviewing clinical development. Possibly turning that CBT and act word doc into progress note language. Possibly ly. But that task sounds quite daunting right now. Maybe I can work on just a part, or small part, of one doc.

2.7 I'm not going to lie. I feel depressed. I talked to people in my first and last class today b it I also just wanted to fall asleep. I felt my mind going to the conclusion that I will never make friends. But I didn't conclude that. It was leading up to it because I looked around the room and saw how everyone was do different from me. Them and their social work values. And then i see people who are similar and I feel distained to associate with them. Last night I had a scary dream. I was somehow about to marry Roger. And my mom and his mom and the church was there and they called both of our names up. And I was like hold up. I f this marriage is going to work I'm going to have to talk to him first. At one pt I even looked in the crowd and saw cousin Alan and for some reason thought that it was a possibility for alan to tell Roger about my relationship with chub. And I told him I was in a relationship with him for 7 years. That I even had sex. That I don't want kids. That I want to do missionary stuff and he said okay we will still get married. And then i thought okay he wants to still marry me. I will just break off my relationship with him. And marry him. And my mom was look at us and his mom was looking at us. I hate the accountability and publicity and just the public life. I hate it. I woke up and I was like what? No he's already my husband. And I love him and would not do that to him. I'm ongoing to lie that a part of me does because of the Christian life and the public life andIt just feels like of free but also not free. It's 5:30 right now and I'm not going to lie I feel down. I just want to curl in bed. Which h gets even more depressing . I do though. I just want to curl in bed and eat junk food.

2.8 So I ended up napping until he came home. Well I guess before that I also watched a comedy show. I'm feeling okay today. When I think about me making friends though i m still inclined to feel hopeless. Though the fact is now at this time of my life I'm not even trying to make friends. I'm trying to just feel comfortable interacting with people. I think of how I'm going to graduate without having made that many friends and I just feel left out and held back by my social inhibition. I thought of how I have tomorrow at internship before the weekend comea and I'm just like eh.imnot really looking forward to tomorrow. But what am I dreading that's so bad? I guess one thing I know for sure I dread is having to do that psychosocial tomorrow before I leave. That most likely will take extra time. Though my goal is to limit the amount of time needed so that I stay extra the least amount of time. I then think about the weekend and I just don't even feel that enthusiastic about it. I've really been craving social interactions. O mean I guess if I really really wqnted to. I could go somewhere. You know what I'm going to go somewhere. Whether or not I feel like actually going to the actual event. And if I look on meetup and feel inhibited I'm going to really critically think about why I do not want to go. I think I've also definitely been feeling empty a little. In my soul. I definitely have. I was going to bring an intervention book to read for tonight when I'm on the rrain but I thought I'd probably feel quite drained by then. The other thing is that every morning. Most mornings, I get very excited about reading the intervention books at night, but rhen in general by the time I'm home I just wanna do nothing. I think if I feel the same way tonight I'm going to aim to just finish or get close to finishing the depression chapter tonight. I'm going to have an hour to do it anyway. Or at least half an hour? Or maybe not because I also want to do nubs humidifier and refill his water and maybe take him out. I think I might prioritize that but I'm not completely certain .

2.10 sigh I've been feeling bored. And maybe even a little empty. Today is Friday and this week when I get home I've just either been sleeping or pursuing clinical stuff. Don't get me wrong the pursuing clinical stuff is great because that's something that I had such a hard time getting myself to do, but it's like aside form that I don't have much excitement in my life. I've been  thinking about going to do social stuff just to feel some excitement. When u go home he's just playing video games,then I feel bored and do my stuff and sleep early. We havent been talking much at all. It's like we are just two separate people living in the same room. Which I'm going to be fine with because I've been wanting to experience a break from him. I think the only reason I don't feel it's fine is because I'm missing the feel of connecting with someone. I'm sure this disconnection from each other isn't permanent anyway. And if it is still this way next week, then I'm going to see what this new way of living is like and what I learn and get out of it.  But anyway I've been tempted in my mind to lament him not spending time with me but I'm not going to act on that. I think him pursuing the things he wants to do while I am home is a positive sign of him being able to be himself and feel at home when home. And I'm going take this feeling of lack of connection and do something with it by socializing more. Today tho I have just been at my dentist all morning. The longest wait ever. I'm going to the psychiatrist afterward and then the allergist before j see mom. He suggested yesterday to work out tonight. I think I don't feel motivated but it's something I want to be a regular part of my life so I think I might agree to it. I might. Not sure  . I'm going to tolerate this distance between me and him because it's an opportunity for me to pursue life

2.11 I just went to a support group and it was pretty good. Too bad the guy charges 10 for 250. Well to be accurate, it was good in the sense that I did well. And now I am craving for more. I tried looking and I didn't see anything that interested me. I got this girls number today which was awesome. It makes me feel so empowered like I could just make friendquaintences with the snap of a finger. I feel like I want to go again to a social event tomorrow to make friendquaintences. Either to the board game one or the support group one or even both . I think my goal at this time is to make friendquaintences not friends. It feels great. It's probably the Zoloft so thank you Zoloft.

I would consider today to be a pretty productive day. I went to the support group, made a friendquaintance, Then saw mom for a few hours. It was completely enjoyable. I felt a bit suffocated bc I was reminded of stuff and then i started worrying about his mom and my mom meeting. But it's under control because I will continue to do what I am doing which is meeting my mom at places I know his mom won't be at and continuing to check where his mom is. I think I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's a job fair in like three weeks and I don't feel prepared for it at all. And so I've been binge watching this show for a few hours. I am quite enjoying the fact that he's not here but I'm also scared because it feels like we're getting tired of each other. And losing the interest. Which is really scary. It is. And it's hard for me to admit it. I'm going to make the to do list for the job fair tho. I am. I'm going to do it.

2.12 I made the to do list for the job fair and even worked on some of it. Pat on the back. I feel nervous tho. Why? I'm nervous because I also wanted to work on my clinical stuff too but now I also have this job thing on my to do list. I mean the job thing is obviously more important. I just feel like I'm missing out on clinical stuff I wanted to do and when I think about doing clinical stuff I feel like I'm missing out on job fair stuff. And then when I think of job fair stuff I'm like really stressed and nervous. What to do what to do... I was thinking that I'd spend the rest of the day today working on clinical and then start job fair stuff tomorrow since I'm so stressed so then that just continues to keep the stress about the job fair at that level, if not increase it. So I think I might do a tiny bit of clinical? I dunno  .

2.13 I ended up working in my resume which felt awesome that I worked on it. I'm glad for my anxiety because it alerts me to what is most important and priority  . Did I tell you that I also signed up for a Bible study group. For the first time I made it public that I am married and it felt really scary. The reality is still scary to bear. I wasn't excited to go to internship today.but when I think about Wednesday it wasn't that bad. I quite enjoyed it and was able to finish my notes in time. I think I feel bad because i need to continue working on finishing up my notes in time. Especially in the morning because otherwise im quite backtracked. I'm going to work on that today. Hopefully. I think I just dreaded it because I ve been used to associating the internship with the stress and not being able to pee when I need or fill my water when I need. Which is all the more reason to work on ending my sessions early or on time. I'm glad I decided to work on the resume thing yesterday instead of pursuing clinical stuff. I think for now, I'm going to push pause on clinical so I can work on the job fair stuff. At least pause it until I feel working on clinical would give my mind a break or pause it when I feel I really want to skim the clinical so that I know what to do. I think I'm a bit in denial of the fact that the job fair is a legitimate thing I can get a job from. Like people and agencies legitimately go and put their stand there because they know msw are graduating and they know they want to hire people. I have experience. I pursue clinical interests in my own time. I have books for it too. My worry now is that I remember looking at some of the jobs and some seem to include case management or children. Yuck. I hate both of those. Well children I don't genuinely hate, I just prefer to get in touch with my hate for them as a defense. I'm going to be sure I get people's numbers especially Jillian's tomorrow during class . I wanna talk to people about the job thing too.

2.16 I got Jillian's number and this other girls number. The girl is named Tatiana. I was watching her talking to this other girl and she seemed so relaxed . I was eavesdropping and I wish i was that close to someone. I think of cyclical psychodynamics and I wonder if I'm missing something that plays a big role in connecting to others. Like maybe being more vulnerable and reaching out more with a balance.l instead of kind of putting up my guards. Though I must say I have let down my guards a lot since I took Zoloft.a part of me wished that I achieve this myself, a part of me is grateful for the changes and have decided to make the most out of it while I'm on it. It's better to have established friendships and then deal with the sa rather than the other way around. I'm going to an anxiety group later. I'm excited. Tho a bit worried that they may cancel the group because there's literally only two people going. Me and this other girl ans the organizer but I'm going to take that as an opportunity to be able to talk freely with strangers and try to make friends. And then I'm seeing Paul. I didn't see him last week because of the blizzard and it was okay. I'm not sure what to talk about today. I am not. I've been feeling very awesome during the mornings lately. I think taking Zoloft and sleeping earlier has definitely been helping with that. Also praying and listening to the Bible in the mornings. This morning I was in a good mood and I thought of the job fair and for the first time ever I was excited about it and saw it as a great great opportunity to talk about my skills and what I've learned and how I'll contribute to their company and to be the best version of me. Even if I don't get a job it will be a great learning experience and I'll get a lot of our the experience. Especially the psychological ease of knowing that I've done something. And overcome such a scary thing. These days I go about my life and I'm like oh wow this is how people who aren't enslaved by anxiety go about their lives? It's such a relaxing life. O realized that this is the happiest and freest period of my life aside from the time when my innocence wasn't knocked down yet. Like I am free from my family. I have control over when I want to talk to mom. I have control over join8bg church groups, socializing opportunities, what I want  to do when I'm home. It's such an awesome period of my life. I get to do and say what I want to my family without have to suffer from the repercussions of it.

2.21 I've been procrastinating for the past two days on my job fair prep. It just feels way too overwhelming. The fact that there are so many companies I have to prepare for. The fact that I don't even know what it's like. That I've never been to q job fair before. The fact that when I think of competition like Courtney and Hailey and Hannah I just cringe. I don't know how to convey the impression that I am better than they are in anyway. I feel like they are totally on the same level I am. I think of mhsc and it just feels like I'm taking a total gamble. And then i think of the policy video I have to do, the research paper and the problem statement and I just feel overwhelmed. Coupled with the fact that I've been feeling guilty for not seeing mom this past weekend and having to see her this upcoming weekend and also not wanting to see her.ivr been watching shows all day and I feel crappy. The thing is that I've been doing fine on Friday and Sat but didn't start procrastinating til Sunday.on Sunday I got this flash of panic of not being able to do well. I think that might be when I started to freak out. Coupled with the fact that I have freakin dumb process recordingsto do tomorrow and having to do stuff with him tonight. I just wanna curl up in bed and Kay here forever while the stronger me prepares and deals with the job fair. And then I'll wanna come back out again and face the world.

2.23 .I feel like I wanna just lay in bed and crumble up. Whats the matter? I have a job fair in two weeks and an interview for ifh in two weeks. I thought the job fair was enough and I was already worrying about whether or not I'd be able to handle that. But now there's an interview too? I spoke with Alison yesterday about her interview and it was way too much for my mind to handle. I mean I have the ability to think of cases and how I handle them and the ability to consider and use evidenced based practices and describe them but it's two much for two weeks. Oh I sure do not doubt that i'm over thinking the job fair. Maybe all I need to do is cone up with a description of myself and my experiences. And then give them my resume. My goal is for an interview anyway. The ifh interview is a great opportunity for the interview experience you know?  Yeah I agree. It's just I have this fear that I'll just get overwhelmed screw up the job fair and then get stuck at ifh or worse not even get the ifh position and just feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and trapped. Sometimes I feel stuck and trapped in my own issues other times I feel stuck and trapped in external circumstances. The worst that can happen in my mind is that I don't get the ifh position and Hailey does and I'll then just feel unworthy compared to her. Feel that i'm not good enough or something.

3.2 Okay. Hi. Guess what's going on.. I have a job fair tomorrow.im signing a lease tomorrow.. and I have an interview on Monday. I was quite overwhelmed and complaining but you know what it's great that I have time tonight to prepare more. I want to work at mhsc. I do. I'm overwhelmed and nervous because I have aderral in my system and because I found new info about thrive that I want to be able to know by tomorrow. I'm also nervous about whether or not my "pitch" is good enough. I mean at it core I just need to say all the things that meet their requirement so it's not that difficult. It's not difficult at all I would say. I just need to say it a couple of times. My most important priority is mhsc and then community health and maybe sus. Maybe. And  also worried about this weekend.. jusg seeing all those new questions for the ifh interview really threw me off. But you know what it's okay because I can use old experiences. I think it's definitely doable. It's just me doing well with mhsc tomorrow so I can fully focus on ifh. One thing at a time. I'm focusing on mhsc tonight. What do they want? Willingness to work with high need communities. And I will. And prior experience with primary care. Etc.

3.6 Hey there.. I just left ifh with my dog collar unfortunately. I interviewed with them today and was actually able to say almost all of the things I wanted to say and wasn't like almost unable to breathe either. I just questionwhether or not they were impressed with me because there weren't many laughs and Laura talked about some part time jobs instead of full. Jennifer also checked out at times. Sigh. Whatever  I really did do the next I've ever done on an interview and now that u have this experience I wouldn't have to prepare as much for my future interviews. I think I'm going to apply for mhsc for sure. Sigh. I don't want to do it after i grt home but I'm going to have to because I need the job. I'm also going to look into the other jobs that people mentioned to see what I can get for interviews. I feel like I've fought the hardest part of the battle and I think that if i don't have a full time job in the end then i most likely will at least have a part time. Which is good enough for now because that's better than being jobless for sure.

3.8 I feel a bit out of it. I don't know if it's because I was so full on mode into preparing the job interview and now that it's over in like what? This is all that I had to deal with in life befoee the interview happened? And everything seems so underated. Yup that definitely contributes to it. The other thing is just me knowing that my next steps are preparing for the mhsc interview and moving. And maybe applying to other jobs. The thing about the mhsc is I'm scared f8 start preparing for it because I haven't even gotten an interview invitation. But you know what preparing for it befoee hand and then getting the invitation is better than not preparing and feeling completely stressed immediately after they notify me. So I'm going to start on that. Whats the coat anyway? That I get disappointed? Well that's okay because I've been disappointed before. I keep thinking back to the ifh interview and feeling I did almost nothing else. Almost. Nothing else. But slayed it. But at the same time I'm scared to think that because of their poker faces and because of what Laura said about the part time job and her stropping me when we got further into the next steps. I mean me feeling bad about rhat isn't going to do anything so what I'm going to focus on instead is moving and the mhsc interview. I realized after speaking with them that i would SO rather so the same exact work at mhsc even if they have the same unrealistic expectations  and learn Chinese more and have a new superviaoe than continue at that hellhole. Hah. Maybe that's why I'm dreading going there today. Because I've just been calling it a hellhole. Hell hole hell hole hell hole.today is Wednesday and I'm probably going to get home around 9pm tonight. Tonight I'm going to start thinking about the next steps for the jobs. Before tonight I'm going to  respond to that Amanda lady. I honestly don't even want to talk to anyone else at the job fair except mhsc. I think I'm putting myself in a rabbit hole tho because I'm just really limiting my options..

3.13 Hello there love.i was wishing for a day off this week so so badly and now I have tomorrow off which is awesome. I want to do my interview stuff but at the same time I feel like I'm doing a gamble because I don't know if I'll feel motivated. If anything what I have learned is that my motivation builds as I start doing things and get into it. I really hope they call me for an interview though because its been exactly one week .

3.16 I ve  been so out of touch with myself and my thoughts. Proof? Look at how short my entries are. I'm going to make an effort to be in touch with the thoughts today  . So I'm going to internship now. I called out yesterday because I just didn't feel like going to class or internship.plus the last time I actually called out sick was last semester. Calling out sick once this semester doesn't hurt. The reason I called out though is because I've been so absorbed into the fact that almost all I want in life is about to come true. Balcony. Bunny. Own place to walk around naked and do whatever I want. Own place where I can sing where ever I want. No one knows where I live. It's too amazing to me. And I'm just so excited that the fantasy is about to come true that I find it hard to contain myself. And to even focus on the potential interview  . When I think of my excitement tho, it's kind of dampened by the fact that he still is going to wanna go home. Like I feel like I'm competing with his mom or something -.-  but whatever I am going to appreciate the alone time. Like really really appreciate it. The only reason I could contain myself enough to go to work today is because I only have like four patients in total. And then i plan to leave. If they decide not to hire me..it would be because I had a stupid doctors appt on monday and couldn't stay  for a patient. I do sort of regret not staying tho. But whatever. I've been not worrying as much about work because he got his 9000 back and so I feel I have back up. Worse comes to worse I'll do fee for service . It can't be that bad I think  ... I just need to get my lmsw . And I can even apply for the other jobs. I spoke with like three places and didn't get to talk to them. It can't b that back.  I can't possibly have cut my ties to the rest of the world by not sending thank you emails to like three agencies. I can't wait to leave and pack today. Like I can't even wait til therapy is over. I regret not calling out either  . Sigh.  Whatever I'm sure I'm going to get something out of it  . You know what's really scary though? The fact that im so caught up by all of this that it scares me to know that none of this is permanent. I feel the pull of worldliness and materialism. I want to use what I have to glorify God. I don't want to not want him. I don't. And I will start once everything I settled  . Though for now I am praying .

3.16 So I'm heading to therapy now. So glad the day went by so quick. So glad. I'm glad I enjoy my job and that it goes by fast. I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in therapy. Probably my excitement but then also frustration about how mom still asked me why I didn't see her and proceeded to tell me about this old lady. And then kept asking if I have bf. Maybe I think in myhead that having bf means I abandon her. I don't know how tot think of it because I did crave her affection less after i got with him. And it's just so annoying. And in going to tell him about the interview thing.maybe maybe not. I dunno

3.18 I am so excited about this interview opportunity. It seems like the interview is only half an hour and I will need to convey all my strengths in half an hour. I will need to check off all their check boxes in half an hour. I will review all essential interview questions and internalize them so that the essential points and strengths are communicated. This is a great opportunity but it's not a big deal if I don't get it .I will just get another job if that's the case. But ideally because I already have this opportunity lined up. I will do my best to maximize my chances of getting it so I can also maximize the amount or number of opportunities available to me. It is 11:16 right now. I'm going to make tea and drink jugs of water today. I am going to track. Not judge.but track what I spend every hour doing today. I am so blessed.i don't deserve this apartment but now that I am here.i can focus on the thing that I need to focus on it.i can postpone all apartment things until after. No rush. I have all that I have ever wanted and needed and now I can focus on job.

3.20

I feel so exhausted. Today is my first day going to Manhattan from the new place. I hope the amt of time it says on google maps to get there is actually the amount of time. If it is, it's about 10m more than the usual amt of time but the trade off of a new neighborhood and mom not knowing where I live is so so worth it. I found out yesterday that the sunlight in the apartment is actually different from the old place . Here, I get direct sunlight in the morning as opposed to the majority of the afternoon. I'm a little disappointed but if I think about it, if I got another apartment with the sun in the afternoon I would be wondering what it's like and how awesome it'd be to have sun in the morning. So I'm going to be happy with it. I'm going to enjoy it . I do enjoy it. I am and want to be a morning person. I think I am just especially extremely exhausted today because I only had four hours of sleep. I feel so worried because I'm afraid they won't approve my interview time on Wed. Sigh.

3.22 Guess what?! I did the mhsc interview. That's about all the jobs I will be interviewing for until I get a lmsw and then apply for other jobs. I am so amazingly glad to have gotten that over with. I don't think I did poorly. They seem to be impressed by my evidence based therapy skills.  Well .I guess if they place me in a sucky place then I'll just go with ifh.i mean I don't know what im talking about because I haven't even gotten a rejection or acceptance. Either way I'm so excited to go home and enjoy my new home without worrying about the interview stuff:) it's too amazing. Way too amazing. I see Paul tomorrow and have the allergy appt tomorrow. I just cannot wait to be home and do nothing. This is too amazing. Way too amazing. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.

3.26 I went to bed at 7 because my freedom allowed me.but now it's 12 and Im hungry and I've just been dreaming nightmares. My last nightmare was the nightmare of my life. Pregnancy. Having to explain myself. Being stuck with him who only acted like another child for me to take care of. Being exposed and know by people who told my family. Having to make up lies. Being stuck with a child. Horrifying. Horrifying. Horrifying. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or what because if that's the case I'm going to eat something. I feel so free. So so free. Free to  hang out. Free to be out late.   Great you proud of yourself? I lied to get myself out of having to see my family and to have to go all the way back to Queens village. I hate the trip. I just hate it more than I would like to admit. But that doesn't give me an excuse to lie. No excuse is an excuse to lie. I lie way too easily. And way too readily . Well now it's 7:34 in the morning and I'm just here. I'm seeing dad tomorrow evening. Then going to yamoni on Tuesday to fix up stuff. Wednesday I have stupid internship. And Thursday I have paul. Friday I have that training. I guess I'll just see mom on Friday night. I guess. Or maybe Saturday after i see Kiki?   It's 12:30 right now. I pretty much slept from 7last night til now. O think I just am not use to not having anything urgent and pressing to do. And so I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been having horrifying nightmares too. Nightmares of me being pregnant. Her finding out where I live. Her finding out his name.horrifying.horrifuing.well I woke up to a dream life and now it's 12:30. What am I going to do for the next day five hours? No idea . I thought about doing aswb but I don't completely feel like it. Plus I'm suppose to be on my break after doing all that interview stuff. I thought about hanging out but it's just really gloomy outside. It really is.  Maybe that's also why I'm like melancholy.

3.27. I really don't want to write this entry but I'm going to make myself do it. I've been frustrated and annoyed at him for spending so much time playing videos games. Staying up til 3am. Defying me for when I made the commen that he looks like Jerry when he does that Asian face . It makes me mad because I  see his face and am reminded of the fact that I am stuck with him. Him and his face. Which is so awful and shallow of me but that's how I feel. And it pisses me off that he is proud of it and doesn't want to change it and is resistant to any of my attempts to change it.

4.4 okay I'm really going to try and sit down and write this journal entry. I'm going home now. today was a chill day. I made a new friend. it's the Asian girl I was judging and avoiding. and we somehow happened to become friends because she's also interested in Psychodynamic.  I'm really considering attending an institute. but I want to first get confirmation that I can work at mhsc first.. which should be in two weeks. I don't think it'd be too late to apply by then. I'm going home now and originally I was going to take take a nice bath but I changed my mind and no longer felt like it because then I'd have to spend money on additional stuff. my materialism is really growing and I will take this apartment as an opportunity to manage it

4.5 so spending time Journaling didn't work out last time. I got distracted and decided to give it a try again next time which I am doing again right now. it's Wednesday and I am so so excited for tomorrow to be done with because then my break comes. I am really excited. I think when I go home I'm going to organize my desk because it's a total mess. otherwise I've been good. I accepted the ifh position but if mhsc accepts me than I'm definitely going to take that instead. I've decided accepted 50 50 gamble for a good place is better than being at a place that i know will be 75 % way too much to handle. it's just not necessary.  and if the 50 lands me at a place that I don't like the pop or with just as high expectations than at least I took the gamble and get paid more. I'm hanging out with Kristi for lunch on sat. I'm excited for that. I have been finding my self in a state of excitement and anticipation to talk to people in class. which is awesome. like seriously I haven't felt this way since high school. the difference is that in hs I was fake happy but now I'm genuinely myself and I have no idea how I have been able to get to this point. it's just too amazing to be true.  way too amazing. I find myself feeling so moved by it . I think I actually have  a few friends even though they may not be close regular hang out friends, they're still friends. mollie, Natasha,  tara, Jillian,  yunan, vicky, hailey, kiki. and I'm actually going to go to redeemer community group on monday. I just think I've been postponing things for too long. I feel ready to join and talk to people and be connected. I am married and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have things I want to do during break. mainly study for the exam but I'm afraid I'll fall into a state of not wanting to do anything. I don't know if I'll necessarily feel that way though because I feel like I've just been having a different outlook on life. it's been shifting is all I can say.  I'm waking up, enjoying the view, looking forward to go home, looking forward to talk to people, right now even all little bit of looking forward to see mom. I definitely want to call dad. looking forward to joining the community group. looking forward to hearing back from mhsc and if not it's totally okay. looking forward to getting licensed. I don't have anything debilitating anxiety pr fears of getting stuck . getting backed into a wall with no way out. I go home and my journey is most chill. not dread. I'm not feeling fatigued or tired until bed time. before I would feel that way around 8 or even earlier.  I can't believe I am capable of living this kind of a life. or that this was even a possibility or option for me.

4.8 notes for Paul from mom interaction you're like your dad . so antisocial and such a loner youre growing more and more into your dad everything I say you don't want to hear. sooner or later you aren't going to wanna hear me talk at all . you're going to not communicate with me. And you'll just forget about me. yeah you're a giant human being I'll just forget about. and I'll forget about you too because I'm old and I'll have alzheimers   it's not called gossiping. it's called communicating.   then what's gossiping. I'm not talking to you. you'll just not listen to me. I am trying tp teach you what's right and wrong and how to reason . and you won't listen. tell me what you think it is and I won't argue. you're telling me that I'm not communicating with you. here I am trying to. and you're refusing.

dream: not being able to go to conference. couldn't see the map and missing stop.  then conflict with mom. 6e silent judging.  thInking abt asking him marriage. thinking about asking paul to see me .

4.12 I'm in the middle of break now.  the first two days was a lot of laying. I definitely barely studied for the lmsw exam. I think that since I'm going to have to study it anyway, I might as well treat this as if it's a vacation. it's just hard stripping the thought of having to study away from my mind. stripping the though away that  I'm wasting time. but u think it'd really benefit me if I could really focus on relaxing and enjoying my time off. I've just been feeling depressed and not like doing anything on monday I just laid around. and slept. and then yesterday I laid, went to hone depot and then laid again. I still have a hard time believing that I'm living the life I'm living.  I think of before when i was dreaming about apartments.  I thought I'd be content with just a one bedroom apartment with sunlight.  or I'd be content with just a small balcony . but now I have a one bedroom apartment with this amazing view. with a bus that goes directly toanhattan where I don't have to deal with the jam in the morning. with a balcony that's 9 ft where I can sun bathe til noon. where I get morning sun. where the water pressure is amazing. where there are no roaches. this is more than I could ever ask for. where there's a local park. I sometimes question in my head whether basically anywhere away from mom is somewhere where I'll be happy. but it's not just that.  this place is just sincerely literally undoubtedly amazing. God what did I do or deserve this? I didn't do a thing and I don't deserve it. anyway I have just been not feeling like I'm on vacation.  before I was looking forward to chilling at home. doing home decor. but I haven't been feeling it. which is a good thing. I don't want to be tied by the collar of materialism. but I also haven't been feeling like doing the olive oil shower or painting. I think it going to try some behavioral activation on myself and probably make a smoothie tonight. I'm exited for that :)

[bluebuzzmusic]

SoundCloud Issuing Swathe Of Strikes Against Producers This Morning

If you’re friends with any producers on Facebook, there’s a good chance you saw at least one of them complaining about SoundCloud this morning. A number of producers, a total we haven’t even begun to calculate yet, have been struck with a bevy of copyright strikes, most of them dubstep producers.

Among those affected were Mastadon, Slimez, Subtronics, Xaebor, Ubur and Wooli. There are likely many more who haven’t yet made the news public or perhaps even more coming. We don’t know.

It seems that the takedowns are a result of a malicious third party who is claiming copyright on songs not belonging to them. There’s currently no way for SoundCloud users to dispute directly with whoever has claimed copyright, so it’s near impossible to accurate track down whoever might be committing this nefarious act. However, evidence points to an account calling itself “DR EGG” which has been leaving strange comments with many of the producers affected by this incident.

While anger and frustration should of course be directed at this unknown perpetrator, a fair amount of producers are also bringing to light SoundCloud’s own ineffective security and clearance process. A statement from SVDDEN DEATH given exclusively to Your EDM reads, “SoundCloud is ruining the dubstep community by allowing anyone to claim a song as their own and remove it from existence. Until they fix their take down policy, I will no longer be uploading songs to this platform.”

A petition has been started on Change.org in an attempt to bring light to SoundCloud’s floundering and often ineffective copyright system. Sign here if you wish to add your voice to the discussion.

A statement from SoundCloud to Your EDM states, “Our takedown notification process is designed to respect copyright, and it is our policy to review all infringement claims per the guidelines outlined in our Help Center.

“Upon review, we have determined these copyright claims are not valid, and are happy to report we’ve reinstated all affected content.”

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someone just false copyright striked ALL of my songs that are 100% me and now they are gone on my pro account I’ve spent…

Posted by Svdden Death on Thursday, November 15, 2018

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9 of my songs were taken down from SoundCloud overnight for copyright claims. I am at a total loss for words. Years of…

Posted by Slimez on Thursday, November 15, 2018

So literally every tune I've uploaded to Soundcloud this year just got taken down fuck my life

— MASTADON (@mastadontunes) November 15, 2018

So basically all my songs where just deleted off SoundCloud UHHHHHHH yeah it’s happened to basically everyone I know at this point and SoundCloud is essentially dead so I’m not really even shook tbh

Would be sick if they came back tho

— SUBTRAWNIKZ (@Subtronics) November 15, 2018

In light of recent soundcloud events x ive taken all of my music off all of my accounts for the time being. they'll all be up in the next week along with a new tune

— xaebor (@XaeboR) November 15, 2018

Hey so @SoundCloud looks like somebody mass copyright striked my account is there somebody I can speak to because this is a false flag and Im going through the process right now to fix all of this pic.twitter.com/5piKVQytss

— UBUR (@uburdub) November 15, 2018

Apparently some kid is going around getting songs removed from Soundcloud right now. One of them was my collab with @mastadontunes . Hopefully it gets resolved soon. Poor elephants :/ They will March again

— BRIDDIM BOY

(@woolimusic) November 14, 2018

I’m at the point where that until SoundCloud changes their copyright take down policy my self releases will only be ~45 sec. of audio and full on all other streaming platforms

— SVDDEN DEATH (@svddendeathdub) November 15, 2018

SoundCloud is dying and it’s trying to take dubstep with it lol

— HEROBUST (@Herobust) November 15, 2018

This article was first published on Your EDM. Source: SoundCloud Issuing Swathe Of Strikes Against Producers This Morning

source https://www.youredm.com/2018/11/15/soundcloud-issuing-swathe-of-strikes-against-producers-this-morning/