#ive decided to actually acknowledge & act on my feelings

[sockeye-station]

Wait is your four the captain? How did that happen?

YES! YES!! I GOT SOMEONE TO ASK ABOUT IT! I WIN!!!!

CLEARS THROAT. OKAY OKAY OKAY IVE HAD THIS ROTATING IN MY HEAD FOR A HOT FUCKN MINUTE AND ILL TRY MY BEST TO EXPLAIN IT IN A WAY THAT MAKES SENSE

OKAY. LETS REWIND ALL THE WAY BACK TO OCTO EXPANSION!!!

so! octo expansion goes all normally, we have our agent 8 fighting through the entire structure to escape, agent 3 gets brainwashed, they have to fight, yadda yadda. you probably know how it goes by now. But here's the thing.

what if i went ahead and changed a tiny thing. just the teensiest detail.

what if instead of spamming splashdowns, tartar decides to use one big fuck off booyah bomb.

"but, didn't booyah bomb come out after octo expansion?"

yes. yes it did. and that's why i chose booyah bomb specifically.

tartar whipped out the idea to use a booyah bomb from some prototypes it found out about after abducting god-knows-who, and used it despite its unstable build. No one, at that moment, knew whatever that was, what it did, how dangerous it was, or anything of the sort. This was some sort of last hurrah, as it knew that this was its last shot at stopping this failure from escaping the facility. And so it exerted Agent 3 into giving it everything he's got. Quite literally, even! It pushed him so hard, he too became unstable while trying to mantain and boost the energy ball.

The Booyah Bomb is thrown with as much power as Tartar could muster out of that creature, pretty much covering most of the arena. Once the ink settles, and Agent 8 gathers his senses, he looks around. Agent 3 is nowhere to be seen.

at no point in canon is sanitized agent 3 properly splatted throughout the fight — you only break their shield, they superjump back to their platform, and you eventually knock them out. you never splat them. so who's to say that, just like agent 8 during the ascent, they don't have a respawn anchor?

That's what I decided to play with here. Agent 3 is splatted with no respawn anchor. Agent 3 is dead.

The rest of octo expansion plays as normal, only that there's no passed out Agent 3 waiting at the helicopter.

Starting from here, Agent 8 becomes affiliated with the NSS through Cuttlefish after breaking the news, feeling like he needs to make it up for the loss they suffered as he feels responsible for it. He grows closer with Agent 4, and eventually they become closer friends, even staying at her place after she invited him once their friendship was more developed. This paragraph is mostly to explain how they know each other and how their friendship started, also explaining why my Agent 8 gives OtH Agent 4's number instead of Cuttlefish.

Okay! Now, back to the point of this ask. I actually had a bit of this typed out in a server I'm in!

[Agent 4] didn't really have a choice when it came to becoming Captain, being the fifth longest-standing member of the NSS after craig, the squisters and agent 3. craig was retiring, the squid sisters were still busy with their inkopolis celebrity scene, and [Agent 3] was dead. so she was the next best option.

she didnt really ask for this in the first place, and yet she accepted out of hopes of being acknowledged. When she was just an agent, the rest of the team didn't keep in touch with her much (except for Agent 8) after the events of OE, and at one point even stopped being called for whenever Callie got the shades on again. Whenever she patrolled, she did it without any previous call, and was rarely acknowledged by the others. She still kept visiting the canyon whenever she could after everyone else had moved on.

even after becoming the "captain", the others didnt usually reach out to her for assistance, and instead tended to act on their own. they never really took her as captain, rarely listening to her. so obviously this whole mess made her feel like absolute dogshit, questioning why she even decided to go through with this.

that title was meant for [Agent 3]. not for her. he was the one that came before her, and was better than her in so many ways. at least that's what the others kept repeating around her.

as much of a punch in the gut being constantly compared to someone else was, she kept pushing to try and make herself known, separate from the other's achievements. which is why she ended up accepting marina's request.

[rookpaw]

(clutches head and writhes around on the floor) charlotte wh is so fucking. guh. like. (chronic yapping alert + full spoilers under the cut)

you're brought up and raised under a false assumption that you're a genius, the kind who appears only once in 100 years. you're, essentially , coerced into a shady surgery leaving you in (implied) constant pain and permanently stuck with a body that's inaccurate to your mind. and you do it out of devotion because you were a child who'd been thrown away once and by fucking god you need someone, something to latch onto. so of course you'll do anything for the source of that feeling of having your life mean something. having your efforts acknowledged, and being needed. but of course, it's a lie. always was. it falls apart in front of you. should you not be useful, you'll be thrown away. and of course, that breaks you. because well, you kind of always knew that. and you're left to die, in extreme pain, alone. and then you're dead, you've lost everything, and you're forced to simmer on it in a quiet, silent hell where your sole company is unfeeling demons. and you stay in the loop, eternally, re-experiencing your death over, and over, and over.

and like, the quiet, passive hatred charlotte is written with when in the context of all of it is sooo... augh, especially with her parallel to the loud, aggressive lime. charlotte's hatred for humans is distant and nihilistic- people use each other as tools, they deceive each other, attachment is pointless because it's going to be fake anyway. everyone takes the shortest route to benefiting, regardless of who has to be used. her lines about how "kindness and forgiveness allows for evil". her repeated insistence on just killing the other three to noel. you cant trust others. you should just hate everyone, its easier. its why she, at the end, doesn't understand "love" either. because to her, it's always been deception, and something others will take advantage of, so whats the point?

and it's why she bets on ashe - he affirms everything for her. both are people who's extreme devotion to their family caused them to do anything for them, by any means necessary - to harm, to use, anything. i think, to an extent, she can see herself in him. and i think she sees herself in noel too - her hint of sympathy in the hourglass scene, urging him to just give up because it'll end poorly, like it did for her (even if in a different way).

and like, throughout the game, charlotte has this sort of snide detachment from basically everyone. constantly talks about how other people annoy her and how she wants to see as much suffering as possible. but whats always been apparent to me about her is this back and forth she has of very, very slight affection for others before immediately burying it and deciding she "doesnt care". we see it with fiona in the 4th side story in the base game, we see it with noel in the hourglass scene, we see it with claire in the bonus stage, we see it with lime constantly, especially with how she broke down after losing her (if im remembering right anyway, still gotta finish my replay of the sirius conclusion). like, she always immediately covers it up - when in presence of the other demons she claims its part of her scheme, and when not she simply acts like she doesnt actually care. but it's so constant with her that to me it has to be on purpose, and im really, really curious where it goes in future conclusions

anyway i might be wrong about everything and reading her totally wrong, but shes a character i love a lot and ive been thinking about for too long for my own good. i'll come back to this when i finish my replay of sirius's conclusion and can suffer for hours over That One Scene, lol

[compacflt]

does thomas kazansky believe hes an honarable man? what does honor mean to him?

i love this question because this is my version of tom kazansky’s whole thing, and i think my version of tom kazansky is a man very conflicted about what honor means—the purpose of everything he does, the way he acts, what he acknowledges and refuses to acknowledge, is to achieve some higher level of honor… one more medal, one more rank, one more star. but of course in his personal life (womanizing, his relationship with mav, all the secret-keeping), he is not an honorable man, no.

and the funny thing is, i don’t think he could answer this question—the fatal flaw of my fanfic, as I’ve written about (and made diagrams etc) here, is that… for plot reasons, no one can really ask him that question! It’s actually very visible in the slider one-shot: every time slider or someone else gets close to asking, “Look, can you just be honest with me about this for a sec,” they literally get interrupted in the middle of their sentence, because for plot reasons Ice can’t actually be pressured to answer a question like that until maverick dies! So I think, if you asked him what honor is, he would say “I’d like to think I’m an honorable man. I have four stars that prove it.” But if you pressured him about some of his actions… what about pulling Bradley’s papers, or your secret illegal relationship… he wouldn’t know what to say. Honor, for him, is whatever the NAVY tells him it is. The navy says honor = four stars, he has four stars to prove how much honor he has earned. Anything in his personal life comes secondary to the honor he’s starving for in the navy. And, he feels like he has no control over his personal life, because he just lets that happen to him.

So—in summary, I’ve been writing him as someone who values professional honor over personal honor, and then ends up paying for that in the end.

But here’s also the thing… I’ve been trying to write him as someone who still TRIES. He’s been given this life…all these secrets… some of it is his fault, yes, but some of it also isn’t. It’s just life. He’s trying to do the best he can within its (admittedly artificial) constraints.

He’s just trying his best. hopefully ive left it up to you to decide if he succeeds.

[traegorn]

Ive always been a love and light witch. Never once considered anything dark or hexing. But lately (and I think I feel like its because the veil is thinning) I feel something darker trying to connect to me. Do you get this way? Is it because the veil is thinning? I just feel like Im drawn to darker things and wanting to experiment with my craft.

I dont feel like this darkness is evil. More...out of my comfort zone I suppose. Its a bit hard to explain. Like I want to try hexing to those who deserve it, and Ive never wanted to do that before.

And just to clarify, I dont believe in ONLY love and light, I think anyone can do anything theyd like within reason. This is just a very new feeling for me

So don't get me wrong, I like offering witchcraft advice on the internet... but like... I don't know? Because, I'm going to be honest, I don't know you. I don't know your story or your life. I don't know your mental state or your personal history. Like I don't know if you know what most of us think when someone self identifies as a "love and light witch" -- since a lot of us use that as a derogatory term.

But I'll say this.

Darkness is a part of all of everyone. When we pretend it isn't, we're denying a fundamental part of ourselves. And when we do that, we don't actually stop ourselves from acting on those impulses. Instead we just rationalize and justify the actions we take because of them. You can only be in control of something if you acknowledge that it exists.

I'm not going to justify your personal choices, and I can't tell you if the people you want to hex deserve it or not. But it's good that you recognize that it's something you want to do whether you act on it or not.

Only you can decide what you do next though.

[utenthy]

ive never so much as watched a five second clip of naruto but your wonderful artstyle and way with words has managed to make me intrigued about this lavender marriage. you have a method of expressing your thoughts that makes me care about whatever youre posting about

OHHH THIS IS SO KIND THANK YOU ❤️❤️❤️❤️ here let me give you a crash course on the actual canon events that inform my feelings on their marriage

1. as children sakura is obsessed with sasuke and he does not return her feelings. sasuke is top of the class and he never fails. sakura hears a rumor that sasuke likes girls with long hair and grows her hair long. when she finds out her best friend is also pursuing him they end their friendship.

2. they are put on the same team in school to sakura’s delight. sasuke ignores her, doesn’t care either way. he doesn’t think very highly of her. she continues to idolize him, follow in his footsteps. she doesn’t like naruto, who is also on their team, and has a crush on her. she makes fun of him and says he must act so strange because he has no family and he wasn’t raised to know how to be normal. sasuke definitely grows to dislike her as a result of this.

3. they work together because they have to. maybe they’re starting to almost become friends. in the forest of death, orochimaru attacks the two of them. sakura watches sasuke fail for the first time. he is terrified. she tries to encourage him to be brave and follow through. he refuses. orochimaru wins and infects sasuke. sasuke’s body contorts and changes and he becomes very powerful and won’t speak to her. in her defense, he breaks someone’s arms while she begs him to stop. she thinks about how much weaker than her two friends she has become and that she doesn’t want to be left behind. the culmination of this conflict results in sakura cutting her long hair off to escape.

4. sakura tends to sasuke in the hospital. he knocks trays of food and medicine out of her hand. she is having flashbacks from the forest. she wants to tell somebody what she knows but she is too afraid. every time they are together she is remembering this moment with orochimaru. and he is losing more and more of himself.

5. sasuke leaves the village to pursue his revenge. she follows him to edge of town and begs him to stay. he dismisses her until the final moment when he tells her thank you before knocking her out.

6. sakura begs naruto to bring sasuke home. he is not successful. when he returns, wounded, she tells him that in the future, she will catch up to the two of them. and she will help him bring sasuke home.

7. tldr three years pass where they are all separated and sasuke does various criminal acts and becomes a war criminal in the eyes of the village

8. when the village decides they want to execute him, they ask sakura for her blessing. she takes it one step further and says she wants to be the one now to kill him. she prepares to kill him. she tells naruto to let sasuke go. she lies and tells naruto she loves him now, and she wants to be with him so he shouldn’t be worried about sasuke at all. he says he hates people who lie to themselves. he has a panic attack as sakura goes to try and kill sasuke.

9. they try to kill each other. neither succeed

10. sasuke has a new friend who is in love with him and that is karin. sakura meets her during the same conflict that sasuke uses her as a hostage and allows her to be almost killed. when sasuke allows her to be hurt sakura freaks out. sasuke says she doesn’t matter and he doesn’t care. sakura heals her, crying on her face, head hung low. this is what will become of her.

11. they separate again. they see each other again during the war. sakura smiles and says she is happy he is home. sai states that he “knows this smile is false.” they fight together but he continually refuses to acknowledge her. later, he tries to kill her again. she loves him. he says there is no reason for him to love her.

12. the war is over. sasuke is the last of his people. his crimes have not been forgiven. he serves time in jail. when he is released he tells everyone he is going to wander the world in search of redemption. sakura asks to come. he refuses. he taps her on the forehead in the way his family would do with one another as a show of affection.

13. off screen, at some point, sakura and karin travel with him together. during this trip sakura becomes pregnant and karin delivers their baby.

14. in the future, they are married in name. only sakura wears his family crest. he has not been home in many, many, many years. he visits naruto. but sakura has not seen him. his daughter does not know his face. when he sees his daughter for the first time in ten years, he draws his sword, not knowing her. sakura asks him for a kiss. he walks away. his daughter asks if he had ever kissed sakura. she says nothing. she asks what makes the two of them connected. because we have you, is what they say.

[relaxxattack]

I always did like tavros, since I had a knack for liking characters others thought were annoying, but I dunno around the end it felt like the story really fumbles his character? Like I was never supposed to sympathise with him and the narrative was punishing me for it. It all just put a bad taste in my mouth.

It's been years though (nearly 5 Christ) and I may feel differently upon a re-read

it’s been a longgg time since ive read anything beyond act 5 and i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how it happens— it is no secret that hussie was a big vriska fan and an avid tavros hater because, apparently, “he’s a loser”. hussie also loved to just make character arcs fall on their faces like that; whether intentionally as a “power move” or just out of pure exhaustion of the story.

of course, the way hussie frames things doesn’t have to be how we read it— for instance i feel differently about a lot of characters than how the narrative asks me to feel, because i personally enjoy taking them out of the narrative context to exist as people.

but obviously they weren’t real people; they were lines hussie wrote to evoke certain feelings or express certain ideas; and so like it or not they are woven with hussie’s beliefs and thoughts and “artistic vision”.

i think when talking about homestuck, the story, it’s important to not take facts at face value; we have to go— “ok, but someone made this that way. someone decided this was true and wrote that— someone who’s motives and indeed sometimes even ideologies we should question.”

at the same time, when it comes to the characters themselves i feel like we do sometimes need to read them facts-only without the bias of the narrative opinion to cloud our judgement. for instance, the narrative essentially never frames tavros as someone important, someone who could win, or even really someone worthy of attention. all of the extremely traumatic things that happen to him i mentioned in the post you’re referring to were either mentioned offhand or never spoken about after their occurrence. the narrative (alongside vriska) bullies tavros, and refuses to acknowledge him. but if you take the facts of his character by themselves like i did in that post he’s an extremely interesting and sad character!

reading stories based on character alone (watsonian perspective) is not really the correct way to interpret text, i’m pretty sure— and we do need to keep author intent and bias in mind at all times. not because we care to listen to what the author is saying but because we don’t want to be convinced of something without even noticing we’re being taught it.

although of course character-based reading is probably the most popular thing in fandom now (and even culture in general), and also what i generally post about, so it’s not like by simply focusing on character arcs and motive i would really be challenging the form.

anyway wow sorry about that huge ramble! your narrative-focused ask in response to my character-focused post just really got me thinking about the differences between those two.

in conclusion: tavros is cool actually! so is vriska though, this isn’t a vriska hate post. well i mean— the things she did to people weren’t “cool”, she’s just a cool charac— oh you know what i mean

[sexcromancy]

running my own little personal AITA. I have held a long term grudge against my partner's best friend. theyve been friends since middle school, but I don't know him at all. ive only met him a few times, ostensibly due to circumstances of not living in the same place. the reason I hate this guy is bc, in the time btwn when my partner and I were fwb and when we started dating, he messaged me (on my partners account) and told me that my partner had feelings for me. this led to the actual beginning of our relationship, altho imo it's likely it would've happened regardless. this was almost 9 years ago. I consider this act a violation of both our privacy and a serious interference in my life, as well as overly dramatic. this guy has also never made any effort to get to know me or apologize or even acknowledge this happened. AITA for still holding a grudge (as my partner alleges) and objecting to possibly letting the guy+his boyfriend stay in my house for a few days?

EDIT update as of this evening. we had a longer conversation about it and he understands better now why I feel this way, and we're both gonna think about it and decide how we should proceed wrt the friend/him visiting. he also apologized for calling me unreasonable. thanks for voting everyone I'm not gonna look at the results until it closes so we will see what that looks like lol

[hyunjining]

Hello, I dont usually speak on much but as someone whos also been here for an absurdly long time I too understand how you feel haha and just wanted to give a friendly metaphorical pat on the back because it really does fuck me up too sometimes. I guess ive been wanting to talk to Someone about any part of larry for a long time but for me I guess I dont feel much most of the time because im just waiting :/ I really do believe at some point we will get answers and see whether louis and harry do get to be publicly together (or broken up) but either way its knowing that at some point I will be proven Right that keeps me mainly unbothered by the crap we see day to day. Not to say that I dont get the initial "what the actual fuck are his team doing/ who decided this/ why is this happening for the 100th time" when a new stunt or absurdity comes along - this probably applies to the documentary aswell like I know ill groan and feel terrible for half a minute if Babygate is included but I guess I managed to at some point not let it get to me as like a personal problem? I guess and not feel emotionally attached, and I hope that you too could not have it plague you so much, I wish you the best haha and hope that at some point you would be able to continue to enjoy larry even during absurd times.

Sorry if this is like a rant you dont have to post this I guess I just felt bad seeing your post and would throw in some tiny speck of hope haha but yeah its funny cause I dont think ive ever really doubted the idea that I know they were together - obviously we dont know whether its the same now but since I havent really been proven otherwise whos to say im wrong if I were to believe they managed to have a beautiful long term relationship up until now lol but yeah thats all I got for now since I dont want to make it any longer but yeah im sorry you feel that way and I hope you manage to feel even the slightest bit better about this whole ridiculous circus we all managed to be drafted into hahaha

hey, thanks for your message 💕

i’ve definitely learned to detach myself from a lot of things over the years but idk lately it feels like something has changed and i don’t fully understand it? and i’m ok with acknowledging that there are things i’ll never know and that it’s not my life. i’ve always preached that on here. but some of the more recent stunt stuff/public image decisions really don’t make any sense to me in terms of pleasing fans or marketing to a wider audience or protecting their closets. like it all just seems completely nonsensical and unnecessary and it’s not fun to sit by and watch. i’m not gonna act like i’m being forced to be here, that’s totally on me. but idk i’m just sad that this is where we are now.

there is absolutely nothing in this world that could ever convince me that h&l aren’t gay or that they’ve never been together or that louis is a dad but i hate watching their images rapidly devolve for a reason i can’t begin to fathom. i’ve always been able to be dramatic for a minute and then laugh and move on but the feeling of dread has been more and more frequent and i feel like i’m doing myself a disservice by continuing to act like stuff isn’t affecting me. i don’t really know what to do right now, because i’m not happy but i love h&l so much and they’ve been a huge part of my life for so many years and i don’t know how to let that go. i feel like the doc is going to be a decider for me, but then again i have a louis concert in june lmao so who knows man.

anyway that was massively dramatic fkfjfk but thank you for the metaphorical pat on the back and for giving me a reason to vent some more lol

[pumpkinmetaphor]

kids will do ANYTHING no matter how tedious it is as long as they're happy in the end. it's adorable. ive seen literal 2 HOUR LONG gacha movies. actually insane how far they'll go if just left on their own with some stick figures for a little bit. if this present day commoner au where kaoru got access to gacha life early in his life existed then i think he would've been slightly more evil.

unfortunately in canon gacha life would only be made when he's like 35. whether he ever picks it up one day for shits and giggles when he's already full ass married to kyoya you can decide but i personally think the 100% serious angst soaked mafia boss au "save me from this neverending nightmare" ass pining.... can only be Truly displayed in the cracked samsung phone of a deranged-but-refuses-to-acknowledge-it 15 year old hiding under the covers of his bed making "broken cinderella" gacha edits of himself while hikaru snores next to him.

the bad dirkjake comparison makes me giggle i do not step on ff.net anymore since I got used to ao3. something about looking down on ff.net feels classist like i came from a broken and poor neighborhood (ff.net) and now look upon it with disgust since i got married into riches (ao3) and got used to the rich people life and don't want to acknowledge where i came from.

oh and kyoya so would. kaoru would like mention some obscure food item he wanted to try "one day" and kyoya would drive for like 4 hours straight, probably missing work, to get it for him and drive all the way back and act like he just "happened to see it being sold nearby". and it's all for nothing because kaoru ends up hating it anyway

TWO HOURS...the dedication...never get between a kid and their escape mechanism (my 80+ chapter ohshc fic I started when I was 12)

You're right, it can truly only capture the emotions of mid teens emo angst. Clarity MV part 1 of 27. He's given Kyoya a sick ass face scar to make him look more badass and Mafia-like. The cognitive dissonance is insane. And god...yeah. Kyoya would do that and Kaoru would turn around and be like eh 4/10 snack. But Kyoya's into that kind of annoying behaviour anyway so it's all fine. And canon Kyoya has staff to run those errands for him so it's basically painless.

FF dot net...I have caved and gone trawling through FF dot net for ohshc fic but it's truly a wasteland. There's some good stuff out there but can I find it? No. AO3 truly has me spoiled. How did I ever live like this.

[sincerely-krp]

they always have to be specific that they're chinese/korean/japanese and if not, then they call themselves "east asian". // just wanted to weigh in on this and say that because of americanized habits i'll use "asian" when people here assume east asian by default //

so this is a bit long, sorry. this topic is just really close to my heart.

to start, im asian, not specifying to keep myself from being IDed but i will say im not east asian specifically. im the same boat as you (op 2) because i AM asian in addition to my specific nationality, and which one i use tends to depend on whether i think that the person im talking to has enough common sense to know that asians arent a monolith. because ive met people who still make “all asians look alike” jokes (and usually these people are actually only thinking of very specific image of an asian person, heavily east asian beauty standards). those people are the kind of people who i would use specific terms on, mostly for MY own peace of mind because it rubs me the wrong way when i feel that someone (especially online when they dont know me or what i look like) is thinking of me through the lens of stereotypes. but on the other hand ive met a different breed of idiots who see me and decide i dont “look asian enough” because in their heads, their picture of an asian person is basically an east asian and im not an east asian and i dont have east asian features. the sad part is i have gotten this judgment from other asians too. like someone mentioned, there is a lot of internalized racism, judgment, and colorism between different asian communities that lends this issue so many different aspects because *yes* people need to acknowledge asians are no monolith and *yes* people need to acknowledge that asians can still share the common broad identity of being “asian” without being generalized. when it comes to that second issue, i honestly say im asian on purpose because i need the person to understand that YES i am asian, in addition to my specific nationality.

that’s just how i personally navigate those terms. and again im not east asian, so i cant and wont speak for whether chinese/japanese/korean folks and if there is a cultural reason that they do prefer specific terms. i just wanted to give my own perspective since part of this discussion is the broader term of ‘asian’ and unless original op you are chinese/japanese/korean yourself, i dont think we should make generalizing statements like that for them or legitimizing/delegitimizing people’s identities SOLELY because they didnt use what you thought was the “correct way” that a group of people “would” describe themselves. and all this doesnt even factor in the effects of emigration and what living in a different country than your birth country adds to that clusterfuck!! this issue around identity specifically among asians has been around for years, and i know that because i swear i have this identity crisis twice a year like a fucked up imposter syndrome of “does [my 100% specific descent from an asian country] mean i am asian” “am i asian enough” (YES I AM) and when i look for other people who feel the same way to feel less alone, even my most basic searches leads me to articles discussions from as early as the 2000s. it is just already so exhausting to figure this out for myself so when i see people trying to dictate this for other people, i get so……

anyways, tldr. let’s please not generalize and hold whole groups of people to certain ways of acting or referring to themselves, and let’s not use that way of thinking to decide who we ‘believe’ to be east asian or specifically japanese or chinese or korean or more broadly asian and so on. sincerely, a tired asian

・❥・

[goremet-chef]

its so cute i need to. ramble okay

in creatures of sonaria like. man. a year ago at this point? i made friends with someone and like. just by chance, they decided to add me to their pack and let me kill with them and like. I WAS NERVOUS im not known for. my social prowess 💀 but they liked me? and they added me as a friend and idk it was nice. like it was a group and i was kinda in the group? even if i was mostly quiet the whole time, i was still helping and covering for them yknow?

i didnt play for a while, i went from like. playing daily to playing monthly but i started playing again and i remember i think they invited me a few times to come play like with the roblox invite function but i wasnt online at the time and so. IDK i didnt think anything would come from it yknow? but. when i joined their server on accident, they added me to their pack immediately and said hi and im like SHOCKED. did i matter enough for them to like. feel the need to say hello to me and invite me to hang with them? IT. its happened more and more, i like to play with them whenever i can and i get nervous maybe im annoying them by joining them all the time but they always invite me and say hi, and its to the point where other people in the group also say hi to me and it

you must understand! im a fucking loser man, im not someone people get along with, im painfully awkward, i feel like an alien trying its best to act human okay. but it feels good, it feels like. NORMAL. we arent serious friends like i dont know shit about them, probably never will honestly i just like to wreak havoc with them. ive always been afraid of like. INFILTRATING a group, thats what it feels like!! whenever im accepted anywhere, im so terrified im latching onto false hope, im scared that im forcing my way in and im too happy to really see it. but. they say hi to me and they mess around with me and they JOKE WITH ME like. OKAY!!! im still quiet like 90% of the time but they know alright im busy playing the game, its not like i have much to say anyways!! its fun to be. social? like im too scared, fearing itll go so horrible wrong and bruise my already quite small and fragile ego, so when it goes RIGHT?? idk i just wanna. ramble about it cuz

i joined today and one of the other members said "YAYY looksee" and it. MY HEART... i like all of them cuz i hang out with them enough like. i really only talk to the one who has me added since they will actually say things to me directly but i feel like im opening up more? just a little, im still shy but. IDK knowing theyre like getting used to me? yay looksee?????? teehee!!!!!!!!! idk why it makes me so happy, i guess im easy to please if you show me the slightest bit of. positive acknowledgement im absolutely giddy. the bar is on the floor 💀 but i dont care!!

when have i ever made a friend on roblox? ive been called slurs and insulted and told to kill myself more times than anyone has ever like. tried to be my friend 💀 i get it, im not very welcoming, its not like i try to be. im friendly sure, but quiet, and if im in any sort of social interaction (which can range from someone speaking to me and not going away after they say what they wanted to say to literally just. something cute, like someone sitting with me or giving me some food) i cant handle it (i scream and close the game as fast as possible, my heartrate goes up im BREATHING HEAVILY IM SCARED... it was nice but. terrifying!!! i feel the obligation to stay and thats too big of a commitment OKAY... roblox creature you must understand)

ITS A LOT FOR ME OKAY.. and i mean. i know how my roblox avatar looks, ive been told its cringe enough times for one lifetime, im tired!!! i get it. catboy with a skirt ooo so scary. that boy is a faggot, yeah yell it louder at me.

the worst part about that is like. IT HURTS... i know i shouldnt care about what a child on roblox says to me in creatures of sonaria trade realm, but lord! it hurts. i dont socialize, ive had enough bullying!!!!! ive done my time IN SCHOOL. alright thats enough im good on the bullying. idk im just weak i guess I CANT HANDLE IT. im not good with confrontation, i wont come up with a witty response, ill just sit and wait for them to get bored from me ignoring them and leave me alone. ITS ROUGH. especially cuz its ALWAYS about my avatar, i look gay i get it, thats the point.

im a very like. ive spent TOO MUCH TIME kicking myself down over 'cringe' alright. i literally lost my interests and passion cuz i was scared of being cringe, wanted to fit in better. it made me MISERABLE. im very pro cringe i love it cuz? its only cringe if you suck, things that are 'cringe' i never find cringey even a little bit, cuz i like it when people are happy. but. i find it hard not to be a little embarrassed. its ROBLOX i get to look however i want!! i love silly roblox avatars okay, i dont want to be embarrassed about mine!!! im not a confident person, i wear it around because i like the image of this stupid catboy clothes on a very man shaped man alright looksee is my pride and joy i give him a little kis. but maybe they get the wrong idea? idk. i dont think so, i think they just dont like how i look. whatever. also my avatar matches with my friends really well so. its iconic to me!!!

still, like i said. its why i try not to play social games alone on roblox, im scared to be bullied i will admit 💀 if my friend was there, she'd tell them to kill themselves for me!!! but. shes not always there. i literally panic anytime someone runs up to me directly i sigh and say 'here we go again' cuz im waiting the imminent insults alright. IM TIREDDD so tired. they dont get him like i do. hes an avatar ive DRAWN before hes just an oc at this point, i wont ever change him cuz i like him but . sometimes it gets hard!!!

im so off topic here i just. NEED TO RANT A LITTLE cuz it. it does genuinely bother me but im too scared to like. VENT ABOUT IT to any of my friends cuz im absolutely sure some of them would roll their eyes, its just a game!! game is important to someone like me, game is the closest i come to like. living in a real social world, of course its important to me!! game is the easiest way for me to interact with strangers and not die of a panic attack immediately after 💀

WHATEVER im yapping i love to yap but. idk i just wanted to talk about it, im still so . it feels good to know that even if im weird and quiet, im not so weird and so quiet that people want to avoid me all the time. theres SOMETHING about me that they think is cool enough, like. well. i can overthink if i want to. maybe theyre adding me into their pack out of pity? maybe they dont actually like having me around but they feel too awkward to like. they feel like its gone too far now? in too deep? or maybe. im not as awful as i think i am!! maybe im weird and offputting but its okay :]

LISTEN. maybe this is normal for everyone else but its a big deal for me oky. ITS HUGE ACTUALLY. like just to have a mindless video game buddy? someone i dont even like. I DONT EVEN KNOW THEIR PRONOUNS BRO thats how little i actually converse with them but. like its not serious its just a little treat for myself, a little thing i can have. shaking like a chihuahua right now. its embarrassing to be so excited about it but. i dont do this sort of thing ever really, maybe im getting better? even if im not, ill still enjoy it

[glitchdollmemoria]

lots of thoughts with yom kippur approaching and not sure how to organize them. thoughts about the fact that i try to be a good person who doesnt harm others and apologizes when i do, thoughts about having low empathy and reduced remorse and not always being able to tell whether i actually was justified in doing something that hurt someone else or whether my own ego is clouding my judgement, thoughts about how my memory is so poor that i struggle to think of instances where i might have hurt people because i struggle to think of anything really that isnt within a very narrow timeframe but then when i can remember it loops back around to me justifying it. thoughts about not even trusting my own judgement on whether or not ive hurt someone because i think i tend to assume wrong in either direction, either assuming i matter more to someones happiness than i do or not recognizing how much i matter to someone else. i am a self centered person although i try not to be, and i will continue trying not to be but i also dont know if ill ever fully erase that from the core of my being, and so all i really can do is keep trying. maybe i have to spend the coming year trying to be more aware of whether or not im hurting people, and trying to be willing to recognize when i really am in the wrong instead of writing off my behavior, and trying to still be discerning as to when i AM justified in. idk. being a bit of a cunt to assholes. but also still trying to show restraint and not take things too far. trying to strike a balance and just be aware and careful.

i remember when i told my father i was interested in judaism, he said people shouldnt need religion to know how to be good people. and i do think on the whole thats mostly true, at least in the sense that religion isnt a requirement in order to have good morals. i think its important to have motivations to be a moral person beyond just "my religion says so". but at the same time, i personally do rely partly on religion for that sort of thing. its not like i was a horrible person before deciding to convert, ive always had at least a part of me that does genuinely want to be good for the sake of goodness, and thats part of WHY i love judaism, because of the emphasis on making the world a better place and treating people kindly, on the idea that this planet is HaShem's creation and all people are made in His image. but i also still need guidance. and maybe thats not so unique after all, maybe im not all that special for struggling so much with morality and selfishness. i dont know. i just think maybe instead of fretting about trying to remember specific instances where ive acted hurtfully, and trying to figure out whether or not i "should" feel remorseful, maybe i just need to accept that i have a lot of issues currently (but hopefully not permanently, or at least not always to this degree) interfering with my ability to figure all that out, and i need to focus on the big picture and recognize that surely, at some times, i HAVE hurt others with my own selfishness, and i need to be aware of that and keep trying to reduce how often that happens, and recognize when it does so i can make things right. i need to be aware of the fact that my moral compass isnt perfect, and i need to be willing to acknowledge when i make mistakes instead of trying to maintain my own self image as the most morally superior person in the room. and thats difficult and painful because its a complete gut punch to my own narcissism, because my instinct is to view that sort of vulnerability as an opportunity for others to paint me as inferior, and to safeguard myself against inferiority however i can. but the vulnerability is an absolute necessity if i want to ACTUALLY improve as a person. do i want to protect myself by insisting im a morally perfect person, or do i want to actualize my desires for moral perfection, or at least get as close as humanly possible? am i ready to grapple with the fact that growth involves admitting my flaws? am i capable of looking directly at my imperfections, or will i let my refusal to look at them become just another flaw on the pile? i think all of this is more useful for me to focus on this year. there are a couple specific memories of hurting people that i want to focus on too, but by and large with my own brain ill get more mileage out of looking at the big picture for now. and on the one hand hopefully i can focus more on specific instances next yom kippur, but on the other hand id like to try to avoid as many as possible in the first place.

[tiredrobin]

@avimaka hi, to preface im so so so sorry for how long this is. i love to talk so much, and i implore u to ignore this if ur like "what the hell calm down" HFHSDFHSDFHSD

nods. and thats, like, normal! for literally any fandom! theres always gonna be character interpretations that just dont Jive, but in a lot of cases im personally generally somewhat capable of putting that aside and still finding value and enjoyment in works with characterizations that dont necessarily fit My Vision. theres always some new angle to look at things, which is a nice experience, and even if i decide that the fic im reading has nothing to offer me beyond distaste, at Least its managed to help me better Understand Myself and my thoughts and feelings on the character in question

except, somehow, that isn't how it works with six!!! i get So Upset in a way that is distinctly silly and unproductive whenever an interpretation feels inaccurate, ESPECIALLY when i feel like the author is… glossing her over? i guess? she's a weird, awkward kid who does Weird Things like snap mannequin/prosthetic fingers out of place for apparently no visible reason and warm herself in front of a furnace fire someones being roasted in. (and like. i personally feel like she acts weird that whole chapter in a way that to me implies discomfort/stress, either due to general fear or what could be a particular trauma-based response. all of this takes place literally immediately after getting kidnapped by the bullies and rescued by mono!!! but its still Weird, shes still a little weirdo, and it bothers me so much when people reduce her weirdness to, like… "gremlin energy" or whatever. idk.*)

she clearly has a rich internal life, and we literally only see what she gives us. and a lot of what ive made brief contact with tends to feel weirdly reductive of that. add on to the desire to, like… idk, make her more Appealing? i guess? her actions are reduced as well into something easier to sympathize with. which is not in itself A Bad Thing or even Actually Reductive, because most people are sympathetic because most people are just doing their best. i am a firm loud Six Defender for Life and i think all her decisions have reason (MAYBE not Active Reasoning on her part, but at Least reactive-type reason) behind them, reasons i understand and will shout from the rooftops in order to add to my defense of her; and taken in that light, with those reasons, its a very simple matter to find her sympathetic. but what i've seen seems to either paint her in a distinct… uhm.

okay, so the issue is a little more complex than i can (or should) try to get into this post/reply-that-im-using-as-an-excuse-to-ramble. really what's happening—what all this nonsense im spouting sums up to—is that i have my own extremely particular concept of who she is (a traumatized nine year old with symptoms that arent pretty and look weird, all in my own particular flavor of understanding), and im not actually making room for other interpretations. i am so set into my personal nuance of her, nuance that literally no one can Perfectly Replicate because its nuance born of my own interpretation (an interpretation which is not The Only Right One, no matter what my brain insists), and then im getting Upset when the things i read dont hit all the beats i expect.

so ACTUALLY what im saying is that i keep throwing hissy fits (internal) over Perceived Slights against her character. my annoyance is unfair and in some cases obviously misplaced: most interpretations have value, even if i cant see it. people who write her as a gremlin-y kid have merit, and people who treat her like she's older (as in, knowing she's nine but writing her with the internal life of an older child) and should—but refuses to—have a stronger moral compass are Obviously acknowledging the themes of the story itself and channeling that thru her, even if it feels ultimately unkind to her. all these angles—and even the angles that outright change her decision to drop mono (which i really cannot jive with At All)—have merit and value but i'm over here holding a big sign that reads BUT IS IT WHAT I WANT???? as if thats the Only thing that matters. its NOT, but im acting as if it is

so ACTUALLY what im REALLY saying is i cant read little nightmares fanfiction because im being a huge nerd doofus about six. thank u for listening and im so sorry to subject u to this rant

—

*not to say she DOESNT have gremlin energy, its just that when people define her personality around that single aspect of herself it just feels frustrating and demeaning of her character and the story as a whole

worst thing on the planet is i cant actually read little nightmares fic because in my mostly isolated fixation space ive reached my own sort of conclusions and headcanons that im so invested in and firm about that anything i try to read has me going "but do you understand the layers of nuance to six" like cups my cheeks. "its fanfiction not an essay and the authors opinions are secondary to the actual contents and messages of their works" i tell myself, but my brain screams BUT ARE THEY NORMAL ABOUT SIX because i see so many people rewriting her actions or behaviors into something more palatable despite her character being the most goddamn compelling thing ive seen in MONTHS. so i try to read a fic and someone says something a LITTLE sideways of my thoughts on her and i just leave. like hi robin. how bout YOU be normal abt six

[snekdood]

i kinda just need to be in a cave for a while w no one around

[tieflesbians-archive]

/

[samscompliment]

let’s discuss deans bi agenda actually bc ive decided he was in love the whole time. i’m sorry mr winchester for previously thinking you were stupid enough not to know but anyway heres my timeline

so initially i think that dean’s suspicious of himself early on, but it’s the eighties and he’s only ever around sam and john and theres all the OTHER fucked up stuff john put on him to deal with so he IS going to be avoiding that thought forever probably. except then he meets lee and falls for him and thinks oh. of course i would be. lots of self hating irony and so on

by s1-3 dean is out to himself and doing a couple of clandestine hookups so he probably worked through some stuff during stanford era. a lil rebellious streak like im not what my dad wants me to be but he ditched me so i am going to be WORSE and do it on PURPOSE. ash and victor and cassie and lisa etc

s4-7 he meets cas but cas is an ANGEL and there are definitely feelings of intimidation mixed in there with Whatever The Fuck Else he’s feeling so he simply decides not to think too hard about it. also its the apocalypse and hes stressed and then cas is dead so it doesn’t matter

s8 is the first turning point bc purgatory is removed from society so there’s no right or wrong. i think benny is the first relationship dean has with a man where he isn’t also hating himself for it, and so then when aaron hits on him dean thinks— well, maybe. maybe i could come out. and he doesnt but even then i think dean still sees cas as this, like, separate category in his head. bc deans feelings for him are so MESSY!! they’re wrapped up in love and betrayal and need and awe and fright. i don’t think he has an oh moment so much as i think he comes to a quiet understanding that he loves him and needs him (hello 8x17)

obviously the mark happens in s9 and that’s just a HUGE can of worms and so dean stops analysing his feelings for cas bc he has bigger fish to fry. is just sort of purposefully like well i’m not looking at that maybe if i dont think about it it will go away. it just sort of quietens down to this background noise that isn’t as obvious as lust and just simmers away beneath the surface

s11 my beloved im a “dean has the oh moment in 11x11” as per this post bc it’s literally... i see it i perceive it it’s an inherent truth to my supernatural. this is deans “oh fuck cas is the love of my life im in love with him im STILL in love with him and im not gonna love anyone else. cas is it for me. fuck” moment plus also the realisation that he actually wants it and he wants cas to love him back

of course cas is possessed by lucifer at this point so that’s a snag. i also like this reading bc then i watch them say goodbye when they think deans going to die facing amara with the soul bomb and i get soooo sad. terrible to think that he just figured this out and he wanted to act on it but now he can’t bc he’s going to die. there’s no point telling cas so he just hugs him instead and lets his face fall where cas cant see. delicious

once mary comes back there’s like a billion and one things going on hence why nothing ever gets done about it and then cas dies and jack kills mary and it is a literal fucking nightmare for a guy who just wants to tell his buddy he loves him

i have also recently decided that i like them both knowing they’re hovering on the edge of something in s14/15 but making a mutual decision not to act on it for various reasons. except then of course dean decides to tell him in purgatory bc WHY NOT and cas doesn’t let him say it but he DOES acknowledge it and they have this very soft unspoken understanding between them in the following eps. dare i say hopeful even. which is unfortunate given how this ends but i just think. god. like at the end of the day it just comes down to the fact that there’s love in deans eyes but it was there the whole time. he loved him from the start. and then they killed him closeted at forty