#ive danced alone in my room but its not the same

[dontexpectmuch]

hi!! firstly i just wanna let u know how much i love ur posts, you’re very talented n i enjoy ur work a lot !! id like to req a post about how jude would be when taking care of his s/o when they’re ill (i’m sick rn and its all ive been able to think about today lol) tysm in advance !! take care <3

you tiptoed quietly out of your room, trying your best to avoid drawing any attention to your movements. it felt like walking in a lion’s den, any noise and you’d immediately be noticed.

your eyelids felt heavy, your throat was itchy and your nose was stuffed, but you really wanted to make yourself some tea with honey and maybe grab some snacks. you were supposed to rest, drinking loads of water and staying in bed, but you really wanted to finish your essay, feeling restless at the thought of the deadline nearing.

“what are you doing?” a stern voice appeared from behind you, your plan of staying unnoticed going down the drain.

halting your movements, you turn around with a sheepish smile on your tired face, looking at your boyfriend whose body leaned against the kitchen doors frame. “hey, jude.” you greet him, eyes never leaving his face as he steps closer to you, arms on each side of your body, kind of caging you between the kitchen counter and his body.

“so?” he questioned again, tilting his head. his gaze was quite intense, you note, feeling nervous at his closeness.

“i wanted to drink some tea?” your answer sounded more like a question, fidgeting with your fingers and lowering your gaze to avoid his.

jude clears his throat, leaning back and crossing his arms infront of his chest, his eyebrows were drawn together, “babe!” he begins, voice laced with frustration, “i told you to tell me! you gotta rest, y’know.”

“but, jude, c’mon i’m bored! laying all day in bed with nothing to do exhausts me more than working.” you argue back, hands dancing around the air as if to highlight your point better.

“mum told me you need to rest.” jude reasons, grabbing your shoulders to lead you back to your bedroom, hands slightly massaging your tense muscles while he was at it. “i’ll get you your tea, babe.”

rolling your eyes, you sit down on your bed and look up at your boyfriend. he seemed pretty serious about his job as your caretaker, going as far as to ask his mum about how to take care of you, looking up recipes for all different kinds of soups and refusing to let you do any work, insisting that you should be resting as much as you could.

“shouldn’t you be at training?” you ask, leaning back on your hands, watching as jude lits up some candles that were in your room, mumbling something about setting the mood right.

“told them that there’s an emergency.” he replied, smiling at you. “can’t let my baby be all alone at time like this.” he comes up to you again, leaning down to press a soft kiss on your forehead.

“jude, that’s too much! you can’t skip practice because of this.” you scold him, face showing your disapproval clearly, “‘ts not even serious, just a mild cold.” shaking your head, you get up and walk to your desk to grab your laptop.

jude watches you, eyes narrowed, as you walk back to your bed and lean your back against your many pillows. “what are you doing?”

“working on my essay.” you shrugged. if you can’t do anything at all, you might just finish that annoying essay.

“nah, put that back, babe.” jude moves to take your laptop away, but you act fast and turn your back facing him, shielding your laptop from his hands.

“jude, please.” you plead, sighing. jude stemmed his hands on his hips, looking at you before he also sighed.

“fine, but you’re not leavin’ this room, ‘m bein’ serious.” he comes to a decision, watching you as you happily nod.

as you continued your work, jude went back to the kitchen to make you some tea and get you your snacks, talking to his mum on the phone at the same time to complain about your behavior, hoping she’d back his point up, to no avail, though, as she also believes that jude is slightly exaggerating.

you giggled at the sight of jude concentrating on bringing your tea, beverage filled up to the brim. he looked really cute and made you feel grateful for his presence and concern for your well-being.

“you’d make a good house-husband, you know?” you point out as he cleans up your desk.

“oh, shut up.”

———————————

i like y’all or wtv 🙄

[mamadarama]

idk how to explain it but Madara and Mayoi have the same diagnoses it’s just that one of them is a closed book and the other is an open one. Idk if that makes them best friends or worst friends

the main difference is masking. madara has already picked up all the most important social nuances and has years of practice mimicking them, so he can mask super well. and the parts he cant mask are covered by something that, throughout my experience with navigating relationships as a neurodivergent person, ive started calling "weird guy privilege"— hes a known eccentric and and everyone that knows him expects the unexpected, so anything strange he does is dismissed with "hes just like that" giving him free reign to be as confusing as he wants without having to explain himself or it being seen as unusual, because the standard for unusual is different for him. so if the mask slips, he can just say "idk i felt like it" and everyone will be like "yeah checks out. moving on".

mayoi however spent his peak social developmental years alone . only now, at 19 years old, is he learning how to interact with people. he doesnt know how to mask yet. once he gets the hang of it and hes able to manage stress effectively in public, hell probably act a little similar to madara. mayoi also has weird guy privilege but weird guy privilege isnt a sufficient replacement for masking, its only good for patching holes in the facade and making masking less exhausting. so yeah.

and what all that means is that madara took one look at mayoi, put on his cowboy hat, and went "this island aint big enough for two schizophrenics". and there has been a one sided rivalry ever since.

(im not even joking. their first interaction was madara barging into alkaloids training room, exposing mayoi as the es phantom, and dramatically claiming mayoi is his fated rival before challenging him to a dance battle. this was also his first interaction with tatsumi hiiro and aira. unreal.)

[rnn11203]

Stardew valley, some headcanons and just thinking about things, thoughts? Opinions? Your own ideas? I would love to talk abt stardew valley w anyone even if its just abt ur farmer (PLEASE IM BEGGING I NEED IT)(i mean whahhatttt… no im so cool and very chill..)

Anyways

thinking about Abigail and Sebastian’s relationship.. or lack their of? Anyways, i always thought it was really interesting that we only really get 1 line of dialogue with Sebastian hinting at the “crush” on Abigail. The flower festival is the only time Sebastian himself vaguely hints at liking her, “i want to dance with someone (abigail).” Or something along the lines of that and honestly? I just think everyone else DOESNT like him except for Sam and her….. both Sam and Maru hint at Sebastian liking her in their dialogue tho, and Abigail herself mentions liking him ie mentioning being close friends (although he doesn’t share the same sentiment? Only stating Sam and yourself as a friend).. PERSONALLY.. in MY opinion, i like to think that he doesn’t really like her, i understand that she hangs out in his room but also? He literally tells you that she doesn’t seem to value his time bc she interrupts his work. I really like to think that Sam and Maru, and everyone else in the valley likes to gossip and pair both her and him together because of their alternative fashion. Abigail is really friendly, outgoing, loves adventure, shes extroverted, whereas Sebastian is socially awkward, prefers being alone, and likes staying in his room. I like to view Abigail as younger than both Sam and Sebastian, around 18yrs while sam is 19 and Sebastian is 22-23. I view them as these ages bc:

Abigail: Seems to be starting college, maybe already completed a semester by the time the farmer arrives, bickers with her parents in a more youthful way, ie Caroline’s lines about her dyed hair and fashion sense. Her sense of adventure to me seems to stem from a new independence from her parents (turning 18). (Side note but i prefer to think that Pierre IS Abigail’s dad and not the wizard… instead… i like to think Jodi started that rumor)

Sam: the whole dropping egg, skateboarding, and kissing under the covers reeks of a 16yr old, but to me hes just an immature 19yr old. I imagine Jodi spoiled him because his dad wasnt around a lot but as he gets older he realizes the toll it takes on her, and to me ive always seen Sam as genuinely friendly and kind and i kinda think his behavior in these cutscenes are just bc he doesn’t want to give Jodi a hard time. He’s afraid of disappointing her and thats why the egg and blanket scenes happen the way they do.

Sebastian: Free lancer job, motorcycle owning, weed smoking, and overall he just seems like the most mature in the group. He has his moments with his mom, maru, and Demetrius but i think it’s just bc of how tense he feels with them.

Also i kinda think the reason he wanted her in the band was so he didnt have to talk to Sam that much,,

But anyways, i do like to think that Abby’s gotta a crush but its more of the “idea” of Sebastian, i like to think she’ll fantasize about him asking her to ride on the motorcycle with him and go on this grand adventure and meet a lot of people and do a lot of things, in fact i like to think that her going to his room is a new thing too! And thats why he seems “suddenly” irritated by it and neither of them mention that they aren’t that close anymore. I also like to think shes more of a new addition to their duo too, which is why she doesn’t play pool and because of Pierre’s shop, either he or Caroline mention the Yoba church being “already there” before they moved in. I think Sam and Sebastian moved to stardew when they were very little (3-4) (implied by dialogue as sam mentions Kent use to be a garbage man in Zuzu city, and i think Sebastian was born BEFORE robin built the house and maru after.)(hence why Sebastian lives in the basement) i think Abigail moved when she was around 7-8. (I think Caroline is a pelican town native tho! And just moved back)

Not an Abigail hate post btw.. i like her, but i think this is more interesting than them just having a crush on each other, i just think her liking the idea of him and him well.. i just dont think anyone really likes him bc they think hes weird T_T!!

[problematicraccoon]

I WANNA TALK ABOUT MY SKZ DR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

heres a lore dump

MKAY so in this reality im gonna be in a polycule situation with the entirety of stray kids (shut up i know im an interdimentional whore), but hwen i first shift there, we're still just friends.

some details about me in that dr is that my name is Alyssa Kolanko, im 23, im in a dance crew thats world renowned with Emmy (the youtuber) Beomhan (our boi) Ryan (hellyxryan) and Ravon (also youtuber), we're all best friends (ive been besties with Ravon since we were teenagers growing up together in ohio, then we both moved to Georgetown, Washington for college and to join the dance crew Ultraviolet)

dance crews are treated like kpop groups are in my cr. we're signed to entertainment companies' dance group divisions, have fanchants, fandoms, light sticks, stadium tours, music videos (where we do dance covers of songs and have cool visuals to go with it). if you guys have any ideas as to what our fandom name should be, i'd appreciate it, i cant come up with jack shit lmao.

i lived with Ravon in a cool loft apartment in Georgetown for four years, ever since we moved when we were 19, and now that we're 23, he's decided he wants to live with his boyfriend of two years, Carter (also youtuber from my cr), and i offered to move out so they could have the loft.

i've known the boys of SKZ since i was 21 and they came to see us perform at a dance festival (a type of concert where a bunch of dance crews come and perform at a stadium or concert hall)

as i've been a youtuber since i was like 15 in this reality, i grew a large following and the guys (skz) have been watching my videos since the beginning.

we quickly become friends after we meet, and become very close over the next few years. they fall head over heels in love with me lmao. i love living in fanfiction. ANYWAY.

now that Ravon and Carter are moving in together, i needed to find somewhere else to live. i expressed to the guys in our gc that i wasnt looking forward to living alone, as i love to live with my friends, and they suggested i move in with them since they're just getting ready to have a house built for them. i agree, and we all work together to build our dream house.

when i spawn in, it'll be the day before i fully move into the house with the guys. my besties (the members of UV) all come to me and Ravon's loft to spend the night and help me pack. then, the following day, the guys come and help pile my stuff into our cars and we head off to our house, where (since its totally empty) we'll lay out blankets and pillows in the unfurnished living room to have a big sleepover until we can get our bedrooms sorted out. i am very scared of living with eight other people btw T0T and it's stray kids for christ sake???? its gonna be so fucking LOUD

OH OH AND I HAVE A CAT. SHES AN ORANGE TABBY AND SHES VERY SWEET AND STUPID AND RUNS INTO WALLS AND HER NAME IS MINKA. SHES 2 AND I ADOPTED HER WHEN SHE WAS JUST A KITTEN <3 minho is absolutely OBSESSED with her

and im besties with Brittany Broski because i adore her she is everything to me i would lay down my life for her

and as for my backstory; very tragic, kinda personal, wont share much about that. but all that you need to know is that my parents were shitty, and my aunt Isla (the same one from my better childhood dr, face claim Daphne Zuniga) saved me and my younger brother Eric (eric lloyd) and took us to Ohio from Poland to raise us when i was 13. she also has a son, who's technically my cousin, but i consider him my big brother and he considers me and eric his little siblings. his name is brandon, and his face/personality claim is Brandon Farris (hes a HILARIOUS youtuber, highly recommend him)

so yeah- theres alot more lore in this dr, its definitely my most detailed one, so i might make another post explaining more lmao.

[2knightt]

GIGGLES AND KICKS MY FEET!! Can you do 🌷 With the song 'Its been a long, long time' By Kitty Kallen for Sodapop or Johnny? TYSMSM AND P.S I LUV UR WRITING SM!! ALSO IVE NEVER REQUESTED SMTH BEFORE SO I HOPE I DID IT RIGHT 😇

MWAH MWAH!! u are such a doll!!! i luv u sosososo much!!! i seen this prompt and my head went to the avengers and then to slow dancing with sodapop after he comes back from war…so…

you cannot count the days and nights you were left alone. the nights you were left with only your tears in the room you and him once shared.

you could only pray through sobs he’d come back. even if he hadn’t been home in a long, long time.

it was another bland day at home. you stared off at the tv, cigarette in between your fingers. you took a drag of it before a knock was at your door.

you sighed, putting the cigarette out on the ashtray beside you as you got up. when you opened the door, you just stood there.

you always dreamed about this day, yeah. but you never thought it’d actually happen. your boyfriend, sodapop curtis, stood in front of you with the same exact stupid grin you remembered.

he laughed before picking you up, arms around your waist as he rambled about how much he missed you.

once he placed you down, kissing the top of your head, you couldn’t help but hug him. with your arms wrapped around his neck and his hands on your hips—he started swaying back and forth.

with the tv playing some lovey dovey song, tears in your eyes, and sodapop still going on about how much he missed you—it felt like you were the only person ever.

“i missed you so much. kept a photo of you, y’know? put it in my hat everyday n’ every night i’d look at it. wish i wrote to you more. ‘m sorry. i’ll never leave you like that again—promise.”

[cherryrainn]

━━ ✧ 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐥𝐲𝐧 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 {𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐫 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫}

.1 - 𝙞 𝙘𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙡𝙚 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚.

─ ✩ 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 ; hi! im so in love with striker so ive decided to finally do this! as usual, ive put the same fic on wattpad so check it out here

─ ✩ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 ; s3lf harm, depression, bulimia, mental health issues, self hatred, stuff like that, and just like my other stories... lots of angst!

─ ✩ 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆 ; here

─ ✩ 𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐓 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓

depression, like an unrelenting weight upon your shoulders, pressed down with an unforgiving force. its tendrils wrapped around your thoughts, smothering any flicker of joy or hope. it was a constant companion, lurking in the shadows, whispering venomous doubts and self-loathing into your ears.

bulimia, too, had become an insidious presence in your life—a relentless battle with food and self-control. the cycle of binging and purging had become a twisted comfort, a way to momentarily escape the pain that gnawed at your soul. but with every indulgence, the guilt and shame grew stronger, threatening to suffocate any semblance of self-worth.

as the night unfolded, you found yourself caught in a secret ritual—a desperate dance of secrecy and longing. the fridge door creaked open, revealing an array of tempting treats. with shaky hands, you reached out, seeking solace in the fleeting pleasure that food could provide.

one by one, you plucked items from their places—a sugary confection, a savory delight, a mix of flavors that provided a fleeting solace. each bite was a desperate attempt to fill the void, to drown out the noise of your inner demons. the taste exploded upon your tongue—a bittersweet symphony of pleasure and regret. it was a temporary salve, a fleeting comfort that whispered, "you're not alone."

but amidst the cacophony of flavors and sensations, a flicker of awareness pierced through the haze. tomorrow was the harvest moon festival—an annual celebration of abundance and prosperity. it was a time when the imps of the wrath ring gathered to witness the true harvest moon. the realization struck you like a bolt of lightning, electrifying your senses with a surge of panic. how could you face the festivities with the leftovers of your mistakes clinging to your being? the mere thought sent a shiver down your spine.

a sense of urgency propelled you forward. with shaky hands and a mind clouded by fear, you hurried to the bathroom, the world around you blurring in a whirlwind of desperation. the cool tiles greeted your socked feet as you knelt before the porcelain altar—the toilet bowl, your sanctuary, your confidant. it became a vessel into which you poured your anguish, your shame, and your regrets. the sound of retching echoed in the stillness of the night—a haunting symphony of release and despair.

as the storm within subsided, leaving you feeling hollow and exhausted, you retreated to your room—a sanctuary tainted by the aftermath of your struggles. the air felt heavy with a sense of resignation as you performed the familiar rituals of self-care. the hot water cascaded over your body, washing away not only the physical remnants of your binge but also the invisible weight that burdened your soul. it was a momentary reprieve, a fleeting sensation of purity amidst the chaos.

with tender care, you brushed your teeth, each stroke a small act of self-love and discipline. the taste of mint mingled with the bitterness of regret—a bitter reminder of the battles fought within. It was a futile attempt to erase the past, to rid yourself of the stains that marred your spirit.

exhaustion settled over you like a heavy blanket as you slipped beneath the cool sheets of your bed. sleep, that difficult thing, should have been a welcome escape—a temporary respite from the whirlwind of emotions. but your mind refused to let you rest, their whispers persistent and unrelenting. restless thoughts swirled, entwining with the tendrils of darkness that stretched across the room.

the night stretched on, its minutes stretching into eternity. time seemed to lose all meaning as you lay tangled in the web of your emotions—and a longing for solace. the darkness embraced you, a constant companion as you wrestled with the fragility of your own mind. it was a solitary battle, fought within the depths of your own consciousness, with no clear victor in sight.

and so, in the midst of that sleepless night, you lay adrift in a sea of shadows—grappling with the weight of your thoughts, yearning for a glimmer of hope. tomorrow held the promise of the harvest moon festival, a journey that would test your resilience. as you closed your eyes, a faint ember of hope flickered within—a whisper that whispered, "hold on. tomorrow is another day."

[swampgallows]

.

i just feel so stupid and pointless lately. im trying to plan a party and i just feel so helpless and dumb. ive been fighting the urge for weeks to just cancel it because i feel like such a moron. or like people are just humoring me. same as i felt with dragonstomp and that wasnt even in person. ive dropped out of so many peoples lives because of covid and not using instagram that my only irl friends have been running around like my personal secretaries hitting up people and reminding them i exist. its just so stupid. i dont want to have to beg people to remember me. like maybe theres a reason im worth forgetting. hard not to internalize it. i dont like calling attention to myself or having to host these things. im meant to be in the background or completely unseen. at raves i was dancing in a dark corner facing the wall. thats all i want, but i cant have it. and nobody wants to do anything covid safe, so im shittily attempting to do it myself for an excusable cause (bday party). but i just feel like. i dont know. im living in the past and everyone is meant to move on from me, and im clinging to tattered memories, and making everyone humiliate themselves to act out this little diorama of how things used to be so my senile ass can pretend im back in the beforetimes. just the act alone of treating my birthday like it's something worth celebrating is mortifying. that im almost in my mid 30s and celebrating the way a 7 year old would instead of going out to a fancy restaurant or having drinks or being able to host at "my place". i couldnt even have one of my friends come to my house to practice mixing on turntables because there is no physical room in my bedroom and the rest of the house is unsuitable.

there is such a gulf between where im at in my life and where i need to be and i dont think i'll ever catch up in how much growing up i need to do before my time runs out

[fauslayer]

tbh I'm always interested in whatever headcanons you have for anything ever because they're always pretty interesting, anything in particular you want to bring up? Go for it!

thats really kind of you to say 🥺 thank u izzy....

ive been thinking about the Blue Thing 🔵 recently...funneled some of my energy into doodles so i could try to refine what i want to talk about uwa

im actually not sure how much of his deal is possible to gleam from just me being strange the past couple of weeks but for awesome primer bc i love talking about things. sugary spire is a swap au and upcoming fangame for pizza tower starring pizzelle, a nervous, married, and transgender pastry chef at the end of her rope, and "the" pizzano, a baking show host and tv network owner/personality who

uh

well i think this^ is a good enough explanation.

there is no way this man isnt autistic. anyways i like to think he stims by biting his hand like normal peppino does in his idles, but a lot of actual damage is held back by the fact that he wears his gloves all the time. theyre probably made out of some kind of rubbery material (at least on the outside), either purposefully or coincidentally nice to chew. he mostly does this when hes alone or at least off camera; its a whole "image" thing that honestly irritates him.

same with singing! singing is one of his big passions in my eyes (if we get to treat the weird website song hunt arg as canon, i would like to use that as proof that he loves music; enough to get fiercely paranoid about it, even), which fits bc i like. absorbed the headcanon that peppino has a special interest in dance music/mostly eurodance specifically and loves dancing (hence his schmoovement). pizzano has strong opera pipes and loves to sing while he works but he has the lungpower of a boeing plane engine and the projection ability of a car alarm and hence doesnt get to hit his full stride on the air often. he wants to get involved with opera production but they probably think hes too silly or bad for the image. sadge .(

i think ive said a little bit on the subject of pizzanos Accoutrements in the past. i dont think he takes them off. its beneficial for the network presence! its marketable! it covers up very vulnerable and/or identifiable parts of him. despite The Fire being completely nuked from canon i still hc him as going through some kind of fucked up physical trauma event (i still say a fire, just not that one, dont really have a specific idea) so hes got prominent scarring on his face and hands. even besides the Unspecified Cluster B Paranoia he doesnt like the idea of anyone catching his scars on camera. sometimes hell just hole himself up in his room for days because hes freaked out.

he cries easy and switches moods on a dime and is generally kind of someone that should have more concern thrown his way but most of this is covered up by the fact that hes relatively expected to be Wacky and Violent and Loves Incendiary Weaponry!! hes 100% unmedicated because he doesnt like the way any of his pills have tasted for the things hes bothered to get diagnosed (ptsd, adhd) and is a little freaked out of doctors outside of like, first aid medics

thank you for letting me talk about my guy 🥺

[marisferasiop]

Reposted from ao3: full story in the link

Poe x Finn pairing.

Summary: Set approximately 19 years post-Exegol. They've rebuilt a smaller base and have jobs with the Republic. Poe gets kidnapped after be lured off planet to Yavin IV, Finn has to find him.

Warnings: Drama, intrigue, angst, hurt/comfort, some non-con and alluded or nongraphic r*pe (forced oral). Honestly it's about 5/7ths fluff and comfort. Smut in the last chapter.

Ajan Kloss, 54 ABY, 19 years after Exegol

Finn sighs heavily as he signs the final routing of requisitions document in his folder for the evening and pushes it across the tabletop. He’s bone-weary from the summits and meetings and negotiations that have been happening for two weeks straight while two xeno cultures require re-housing after a star collided with its closest planet and heavily damaged the next one and its populated moon from the resulting blast. He glances across the desk they're perched at and sees that Poe is in the same sort of shape- nearly asleep on his fist as he signs the same document and closes the folder. Poe hands the folder to an assistant and yawns.

“Dinner?” Finn asks, stretching out his back. He’s been sitting far too long for comfort. Poe nods thru another jaw-cracking yawn that makes Finn grin and then stifle his own. “Stop that.”

“Contagious.” Poe nods with a snort and stands, stretching his arms above his head and pushing in his chair with a foot. “Let's go eat so we can sleep. Maker, I'm glad this week is over.”

“Yeah,” Finn agrees, straightening his tunic as he stands. “They’ll be shipping out tonight and tomorrow morning, and we might get a day or two of sleep before more come in,” he laughs, shaking his head. This consulting -slash- ambassadorship position they’ve waltzed into with the Republic is far preferable to wartime, but hardly less stressful. The only things that have changed is Poe mostly stays on the ground and the threat of imminent death is lower. He knows Poe would rather be among the stars or dozing in the sun in a hammock than signing paperwork and delegating all day, but he takes it on the chin either way.

When asked, he just says “someone’s gotta do it, might as well be us” and shrugs. Finn can't help but wonder if Poe doesn't think he deserves a life he actually wants, rather than one he seems to be continually finding himself in. Regardless, he won't ask. No sense in stirring a pot of shit when they're both happy enough, and still miraculously stationed together.

It’s far too late for the mess to still be open. The two men fall into a well-practiced step and walk to the closest cantina for a bite before they can fall into their beds and hopefully be left alone. Inside the small building is a crowd of gleeful xenos of several sorts and a smattering of humans, all singing raucously to the band in the corner and dancing in an amorphous clump in the center of the room. Finn orders at the counter while Poe scouts for a table and they luck out; a dim corner booth is free.

“So,” Finn starts, settling on the other side of the booth. “How long do you think we’ll do this?”

Poe puffs out his cheeks on a sigh. “No telling. I didn't think I'd make it into my kriffing fifties - so what does it matter, really? Just another thing that has to be done, and we were left in charge. Gotta do it. Someone has to, anyway.” He glances and Finn fondly and smirks. “Might as well be us.”

Finn nods, having expected the answer. He smiles at the waiter who drops off two beers and scuttles off. He watches the condensation for a moment. “Getting old, though. Makes me feel old, doing this. You think about settling down? Going back to Yavin 4? Or– somewhere not a military colony?”

Poe snorts and knocks back half his beer. “I haven't been on Yavin 4 since I was sixteen. Not for more than a day, anyway, to handle my affairs after defecting.” At Finn's frown he clarifies. “Getting my dad to sign my paperwork to get my pension if I was killed or executed was… Not easy.” He pauses for a moment watching the recognition settle in Finn’s face and smiles grimly.

“Anyway. No, I don't think I'll go back to Yavin 4. Dad made it pretty clear he had no interest after I … Abandoned the political system he and mom gave up their youth and life fighting for. Even if I really didn't. And even if it didn't fucking work how it was supposed to.” Poe finishes his beer and stares at the glass, debating another. “If it had, we wouldn't have had a war to fight. The same fucking war. Anyway.” He huffs, annoyed at himself for sounding like such an old man. “What about you?”

Finn smiles easily and passes his beer across the table. “I only wanted the taste. And I don't have anywhere else to go.”

“Right.”

The waiter brings two plates and they settle in, conversation turning lighter as they shovel the food down like two ex-combatants, and soon they're walking to their quarters.

“Are you still wearing that scented water I found on our last diplomacy trip?” Poe leans sideways and sniffs at Finn's shoulder, chuckling as he straightens.

“You bought it for me. I like it.” Finn frowns at him; twenty or so years has not entirely caught him up to speed on what all Poe finds funny or why. Sometimes it's buried under a hundred layers of sarcasm and inside jokes.

“So do I, that's why I bought it.” Poe shoots him an easy, boyish grin.

“For me?”

“Yes, because I see you every day so now I get to smell it all the time. And I'm not a scent- wearing sort of guy. Though frankly I'm lucky I don't stink like I used to, being in a cockpit all the time and getting a weekly sonic ‘fresher if everything worked out well.”

Finn frowns, remembering their young adulthood very differently. “You never stank. I didn't think so. Still don’t.” He always thought Poe smelled fantastic, especially fresh off a mission and practically vibrating out of his skin from the stims and adrenaline. It had been a long time since then; probably the last mission he took maybe eight years ago to upend a First Order sympathizer base in the outer rim. He’d come home smelling the same as ever and Finn had found it difficult not to squeeze him until everything made sense again.

“Well what a relief, since you're still around.” Poe elbows him playfully and snorts affectionately. “Anyway, I'm glad you use it. ‘s nice.”

“Does it remind you of home, or something?”

“Hmm, maybe, a little. Mostly reminds me of you, I guess. That soap you like, and–” Poe shrugs, his thoughts fizzling out. He hums with that set to his mouth and Finn doesn't expect to get anything more.

They're already back to base; Finn lets the conversation end naturally as he opens a service door off the hangar and Poe passes him through it.

In the fifteen or so years since the Resistance functionally dissolved, Poe and Finn re-established a new, smallish base on Ajan Kloss that had actual permasteel structures instead of their cobbled-together huts and dug-out latrines. They have a modest but sort of sprawling main building with a line of a few dozen bunks down both sides of a hall that ends in a bunker which serves as their command and comms center. On the other end is a mess hall and a communal refresher. The medbay is off a side hall and by some miracle Kalonia is still kicking around in there with a few medtech droids. They’ve kept several of the old resistance team, mostly people loyal to Finn and Poe specifically, who also didn't have anywhere else to be after the war wound down.

Like every night, Finn walks Poe to his door and says goodnight, going across the hall and down a few bunks to his own door. He sits at the desk for a bit and taps around on a datapad, intentionally keeping his thoughts light, before stripping down and stepping into the fresher.

He hopes very much that wherever Poe goes after this, he’ll invite Finn.

__________

They get one day off before the next round of delegates come, this time from the outer rim, with complaints of pirates in their orbit. Poe sends out Pava and her squadron to recon and chase them off if possible.

The squadron comes back a week later, after the delegates have dined and signed treaties and joined the Republic and finally shipped off. The pirates had already found the planet system lacking and moved on, but Pava’s squadron had chased them out of the next system and into the unknown regions.

Two weeks after that, while the generals are walking home one evening, BB-8 trills and rolls up behind them, beeping at Poe animatedly.

“What is it buddy?”

I've got a holo for you.

Poe frowns and squats down. “A holo?”

From Yavin 4, BB-8 bloops, seeming concerned, and rolls off the Poe’s room.

“Shit.”

Finn looks between Poe's open door and his face and connects the drawn look. “Your dad?”

“Probably. He’s gotta be- at least seventy-something now. Kriff.” Poe scrubs a hand down his face and stalks to his quarters, leaving the door open.

Finn follows.

BB-8 is already projecting a video of an elderly woman, far older than either of them. “I’m sorry Poe. I hate to send one of these finicky things, but it’s the only way to get word across to you. Kes isn’t doing too well. I think if you have any interest in speaking to him again, you might want to come out here soon. I’ll leave you to it, it’s your decision, but I wanted you to be able to make it.”

The blue light clicks off and Poe is sitting there on the edge of his bed, glaring at the spot where the woman has been standing. A muscle flexes in his cheek and he puts his head in his hands.

“Go, if you want. I can manage here.”

“I know that,” Poe sighs. “I don't want to go. But I guess I ought to.”

“I can come if you–”

“No. Gotta have someone here. I can do it, I just– not looking forward to it. Y’know?”

Finn doesn't- he doesn't have a family he feels estranged from, not really. His family is in this room, with the exception of Rey, who’s maker-knows-where out there in the galaxies doing Jedi shit. But he understands the sentiment. He nods and folds his hands behind his back. “Want me to get Testor to shuttle you out?”

“Nah, I'll fly myself. Been ages since I've been up there.” Poe smiles ruefully and lets out a breath. “Not looking forward to the stims to stay awake for six kriffing days. Gonna feel like shit for a week after, and you get to deal with the whining.” Poe shoots Finn a shit-eating grin and gets up, digging out a kit bag from under his bed. He starts filling it methodically with a few outfits and stops. “I haven't seen him in probably thirty years,” Poe says, apropos of nothing, and gives Finn a look.

Finn feels like a weight has been abruptly sat on his chest, but has learned when banter is needed. He tilts up half is face in a smile and quips:

“Worried he’s not gonna recognize such an old man? You’ll have a full beard by the time you get out there, too. It comes in faster these days.” He touches his own bare chin for effect.

Poe’s always had scruff- in their youth it was attractive and gave him a tousled appearance that certainly worked when paired with his helmet-wild curls. Now he toys around with a beard occasionally, shaving it when he’s sick of it and growing it back when he’s tired of shaving daily. He has a short beard at the moment, a thick cover of greying fluff.

It’s still highly attractive.

Finn is- as he always is when the beard reappears– torn between jealousy (because he can’t grow one well, himself) and wanting to curl his fingers into it, drag Poe closer. He blinks at his own wandering thoughts and clears his throat.

“Nah.” Poe snorts. “I imagine it’ll be like looking in a mirror at this point. Aside from the beard. I think. Gonna leave BB with you- kay? Don't really need an astromech for flying in peacetime.” BB-8 trills their dissent but Finn just stares. His brow threads into a frown and Poe pauses, frowning back.

Finn feels deeply uncomfortable the longer this conversation goes on. He has a very strong urge to tell Poe he either has to take a partner or BB-8 at the very least. He doesn't have that sort of sway, of course, and even if he could pull rank he wouldn't want to- not on his best friend. But Poe usually listens to him when it’s important.

Finn certainly hasn't gotten into the position he has by not speaking his mind. “I think you need to take a partner. Or BB. Please.”

Poe freezes and glances over at him again, knowing well that tone. He’s learned by now that Finn has feelings he doesn't quite understand or always know the shape of, but following them usually pans out. “I’ll take BB-8,” he assents quietly, and Finn nods once, only marginally relieved.

“Send me a signal when you land.”

“Will do, General.” Poe smirks and zips up his bag, tossing it toward the door. “Bring you back a huge sack of homegrown purple spice and Yavinese rum, we’ll have a party,” he winks at Finn as he angles to leave the room and Finn forces a smile, waving goodnight and hitting the door closed behind him.

Finn does not sleep until nearly dawn; the heavy feeling is laying on his chest like a soaked blanket. The measly hour of sleep he gets is interrupted by the roar of a modified T-70 taking off.

________

“Anything?” Finn calls out, seeing Connix thru the transparisteel wall. She’s coming in off a recon, one of a handful of volunteers dribbling in day by day for a fuel-up and new orders.

“Nothing. Not a peep.” She grimaces and stalks off to the bunks, let down. Finn sighs heavily and nods at the pile of paperwork and data pads on his desk. It’s his turn to scout again next, which no one is happy about.

Losing both of them would be a blow to the careful balance of delegations, peace treaties, resettlement programs, and mutual trust they have in place. No one else has worked with as many displaced species as himself and Poe- or now, for these long months, just himself. Finn growls under his breath and pulls up a map on his data pad, crossing off another sector.

The core had been cleared quickly; shockingly enough it had been easy to comb the seedy underbelly of even the most densely-packed cities. He’d followed tips and maps and invites along the slave routes out to the middle rings and further. All that’s left is the furthest reaches of the outer rim.

Finn stares at the map, numb. He pulls up Poe’s last transmission via BB-8.

Landed at the marina moon hub, buddy. Docking my ship and taking the next public transport down to Y4 at 0400. Leaving BB with the ship- half the terrain out to the farm is not suitable. See ya in a week!

That had been six standard months ago- and not so much as a whisper of where Poe had been spirited off to. Finn had given his friend the benefit of the doubt- he waited a very anxious two weeks after his no-show to accompany a scouting pilot (after no transmissions had made it) to Yavin 4. They had found BB-8 and Poe's old starfighter almost immediately at the port- docked right where he’d left it and untouched on the marina moon. BB-8 had been in low-power mode and had been very confused to find Finn waking them up. Finn had taken the x-wing down from the moon to the farming planet himself this time, and paid the hefty fine for parking on farmland.

Kes had been easy to find (once Finn asked for directions) and was in full health, still farming and doing just fine in his old age. Said he���d never seen Poe or even knew he was coming. Finn had BB-8 show Kes the holo that had lured Poe out there and Kes had paled, then turned furious. His neighbor had suddenly died and her daughter had disappeared three weeks prior to move off-planet, despite no one knowing how she got the credits to do so.

The way lead had settled in Finn's stomach at that information still had him reeling. Someone had paid the elderly woman to send the holo, knowing Poe would recognize her and come. The story about his dad had been completely plausible; he had no reason to distrust someone he’d grown up with.

It had been a decoy, and Poe had fallen straight for it.

Finn beat himself up for months- furious that he hadn't insisted on going. That dread he used to feel when Poe went on missions during the war had resurfaced tenfold. Finn imagined it felt so heavy because it hadn't happened in so long.

He closed his office and turned to BB-8, burbling at his knee. “We’ll leave in the morning, bud. We’ll find him.”

BB-8 tittered their somber agreement and it felt like a lack of faith. Finn shook his head and headed for Pava’s bunk. He knocked and a moment later she opened the door, hair damp and looking like the only thing keeping her upright was the stims.

“Fly out tomorrow, 0700. You good, or should I pull another pilot?”

“I’m fine,” she groused. “Wanna find him as bad as you. Go to sleep.”

Finn nodded and turned to go to his own bunk. He had spent the last week meticulously going over plans and procedures for a new delegation with some other leaders so that his presence would not be missed too much. Finn packed his kit and a disguise he had cobbled together over the months abroad in shifts with the others.

He needed to find a tip, a breath of news and he’d be there in an instant, and every day that passed twisted the knife deeper. Poe had to be alive- he had to. The problem was, if he was alive- what had his captors been doing these last months?

Finn intimately knew the dangers and pain of what could and would happen to a captive who refused to behave- and he also knew that Poe would put up a fight until he was rendered unconscious or killed.

________

Poe shook violently in his bonds.

The new captor was far worse than the previous, he had to hand them that. He’d woken up two full days ago in this crate in full exposure to the elements and in his skivvies, arms cuffed above his head thru the bars and a collar on that hooked to a short chain, holding him fast. He was in the desert, which had been predictably hot all day, but now that the suns had set he was both sunburnt and freezing.

They’d been moving him a lot; a good sign that Finn had the troops out searching for him and they were pressing the right buttons. Poe had been sold a dozen times, carbon-frozen and thawed at least twice (the memory gets fuzzy) as buyers wanted him for… different things. Once he got too difficult or costly to handle, they shuffled him along.

He tried to get some sleep and jolted awake as the first sun came up and the door into the building to the south opened. A xeno came out and burbled at him, a language Poe didn't quite understand, though he felt like he understood the roots a bit. He shrugged at the xeno and xe straightened.

“What hand are you?” the xeno grunted in some assimilation of Iberican- which Poe spoke fluently- and whatever xe spoke. Poe’s ears pricked up on the Iberican roots and he parsed out the context as the xeno waved a hand.

Poe frowned. “Uh… left?” he lied, wiggling his fingers and the xeno made a mucusy sound.

The xeno unlocked the cuff on his right wrist and loosened the chain on the collar.

“Eat. Drink.” Xe tossed a transparisteel jar, a stone fruit, and a flask into the cage and went back inside.

Poe stared at the food and glanced at the door suspiciously. He parsed out the languages on the label on the jar to find it to be a nut spread; some source of protein. The jar was still sealed- unlikely to have been tampered with but not impossible. The flask was water, which he desperately needed whether it was drugged or not. He drank half of it and dug into the nut spread with a finger after grappling with the lid one-handed. It was salty and dry going down but the juice in the fruit helped. He chewed it down to the seeds and stared at the door. He’d probably just been drugged out of his mind but he had been starving and was so dehydrated he was surprised he was even conscious. He got his knees out from under his weight and settled in to wait for the effects to begin.

Nothing happened. He burned under the suns and waited.

The suns were both risen and halfway across the sky before the xeno came back, this time with help. Xe shortened the chain on the collar, making Poe sit up from his haunches to his beleaguered knees again and gestured for Poe's other hand.

“In your dreams,” he growled, holding his free hand to his chest. The xenos shrugged with an unimpressed noise and xey each picked up an end of the crate, shuffling him inside.

The door shut and in the din, a needle found its way into Poe’s neck. Before he could shout, his vision blurred and it felt like every tendon in his body had been snipped. The xenos put down his crate, unclipped his binders and collar and opened one end of the crate to haul him out.

“Nnnnngghh,” he protested, writhing weakly. The xeno who had fed him put Poe face-down in a medical-type chair and strapped him in, taking extra care to wrap his head in a strange sort of holder that offered no movement at all except on a hinge under it, not that Poe could move much of his own volition. His body had stopped responding to impulses entirely. One of the xenos wiped him down with a damp rag and some foul-smelling chemical.

He listened to the xenos garble at one another for a few moments before he felt the prick of a needle against his lower spine. Unlike the syringe, this one did not stop.

Poe cried out as the needle travelled deeper, puncturing something before settling uncomfortably between his vertebrae. He heaved a few deep breaths, trying to focus on the feeling, before another started a few inches above the last. By the fourth he was shaking, teeth grit against choking screams. By the seventh he could taste unconsciousness. Xey had to adjust his head for the final one. Ten (if he had been awake for them all– and counted right). He couldn't be sure. It felt like his spine was being pried open one joint at a time.

Xey moved his head down for the last one.

Poe struggled- again, not as much as he’d like to. Xey tipped his chin down and re-secured it, placing the final needle at the juncture of his skull and neck.

“No- no, no no no!” He screamed and passed out as the longest one yet sunk in, spiking deep into the root of his spinal cord, in his brain. He shook awake a moment later to the sensation of the xenos pulling the medisteel sheath- pins out and tossing them on a permasteel pan, leaving hair-thin sensors between his vertebrae and the slightly thicker one spiking up into his head. While the pain between his vertebrae lessened, the odd feeling of something foreign being there did not. A new, taller collar was attached to the base of the pin in his brain and linked to a series of small plates down his back that secured to each pinhead, creating a narrow, flexible exo-spine that bored directly into his nervous system.

Any given shock could mean paralysis, death. At the very least the loss of his equilibrium; he’d never fly again. The thought froze him in place better than the binds securing him to the chair.

“You behave, we don’t shock,” the food-bearing xeno said in that strange Iberican-adjacent dialect, showing Poe a small controller. Xe tapped the first digit and Poe felt a light static shock down his spine that completely seized his limbs and froze the breath in his chest.

“Oh–ffffffff!” he breathes hard, gasping once his chest is released from the shock. The other xeno started popping off the straps and Poe stayed put.

“You behave.” The xeno shook the controller warningly and Poe nodded, jaw clenched in fury. “You walk. Boss wants to see you.”

___________

Testor angled the small private yacht-class ship into the hangar of a trade port on the tiny commercial moon of Agon Nine. Finn adjusted the dark linen veil over his freshly- shaved scalp and the lay of the padding over his shoulders, obscuring his general build. For this mission he was passing for a short-ish but broad-shouldered Rattataki: he’d even had Testor spray him down to the small clothes in white ship paint so it wouldn't flake off.

He looked convincing, at least.

“Keep BB-8 with you, he’s too noticeable for me. I’m scouring the cantinas- you keep comms open for any blip. I have my wrist comm for emergencies.” he held up his arm and tapped the gauntlet to make sure it was on.

“Yessir,” Testor quipped, pressing the airlock.

Finn straightened and put his hand on the hilt of his blaster. “He’s out there,” he said quietly to himself, and stepped out onto the dock.

Several disappointing hours later, Finn shouldered into yet another greasy hole in the wall. The patrons were approximately upper-class and gave him a curious furtive glance and wide berth; a benefit of the species he’d chosen to mimic.

Rattataki were not known for their subtle tempers.

He sidled to the bar and ordered a drink, taking the time to cast an eye over the room. There were a lot of slaves and their owners here; a promising trait.

“Your drink. Haven't seen a Rattataki in eons, sir. We don't often see your lot this far out.” The bartender, a bluish mon calamari, blinked at him. Finn blinked back.

“I’m looking for something very specific,” he said in a voice not entirely his own. Certainly not the accent. “Perhaps you can earn a few extra credits and give me a direction in which to look?”

The calamari fluttered its tentacles and leaned in.

“An auction. Discreet, preferably. Humans?” Finn cocked an eyebrow and waited.

“The auction is moved to Lothal, if that's what you're after.”

“Any humans, though?” he grinned wide, baring teeth; most species in the outer rim treated humans as a delicacy for either sport or fucking- Rattataki included.

The calamari nodded once. “One, last I heard. Some sort of ex-resistance capture. Said to be the prize of the evening. Top bid, actually. They're expecting in the multi-millions.”

Finn shrugged like the cost was nothing. Here, among these people, it wasn’t. “When?”

“The date is the same- they had to move after a raid on Byss. In three days.”

Finn nodded once. “Perfect.” He tossed credits on the counter and knocked back the drink.

Finn was buzzing, though not from the drinks he’d had all night- the inhibitors he’d taken before leaving the ship had prevented that. Thirteen bars and cantinas tonight; hundreds- probably thousands in the last nine standard months- and finally, a break!

He had to actively not break into a run back to the ship.

Finn tapped in the security code and opened the airlock, closing it behind and practically vibrating through the decon mist. When he stepped aboard, Testor had a blaster trained on him.

“Good girl,” he cracked a rueful grin and nodded. She lowered the blaster and nodded back, her face opening with hope.

“You got a tip?” She brightened and then beamed when he nodded. “Where?”

“Lothal. Not too far. We have three days.” He followed her to the cockpit and fell into the copilot chair, exhausted but run-through with adrenaline.

“Better punch it then.”

Finn nodded and allowed himself a deep breath for the first time all night. He fervently hoped this tip panned out. Testor detached the yacht from the dock and coasted far enough into orbit before hitting the throttle.

“We’re coming,” he murmured to the stars, and clenched his stomach as Testor threw them into hyper.

[cinnabar-music]

All of the references in Almost (Sweet Music) by Hozier

First id just like to say this song is amazing in so many ways and there's a lot to talk about. 

“The song kind of references, yknow, a lot of what memory tends to do to music when we listen to it.”

I love the almost immediate syncopation in the guitar, it sounds like it shouldn't fit but it fits perfectly to create this incredibly satisfying, very classically jazz rhythm. The bass also follows this rhythm a few octaves lower reinforcing it. I especially like that it doesnt really feel like jazz. Its heavily inspired by jazz but its not jazz, because lets be honest sometimes jazz is a bit much. This song has a very warm, sunshiny feel to it that makes you really want to think of happy memories, which fits perfectly with the theme of the song being memories.

The percussion is made up of clapping and tap dancing which i think is a really nice touch, Since the song has a lot to do with memory. A big part of music is the community built around it. In the music video so many of the memories you see of different people playing music involve playing music with other people. The clapping and snapping and dancing, along with a chorus of different voices singing different parts in the background; it all makes this song feel like a whole room of strangers singing along to the same song. Which, by the way, is a very magical experience. Music has a way of tying people together and making memories that last a lifetime and I think this song demonstrates that perfectly. 

The song has references to so many important artists in jazz. “The kind of narrative of it is made up of jazz standards, so its this kind of stream of consciousness sort of idea.”

In the very first verse we get the line “Played from the bedside is ‘Stella by Starlight,' That was my heart, the drums that start off ‘Night and Day.” 

“Stella by starlight” is a song written in 1944 for the movie “The Uninvited,” and was later covered by many famous musicians like Miles Davis, Ray Charles and Robert Glasper. While “Night and Day” is a famous jazz song originally written by Cole Porter, and sung by both Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday. 

In verse 2 theres references to Duke Ellington and Chet Baker, two pivotal musicians in the jazz genre and in music in general.

 And in the 3rd verse alone we get several great references. 

First we get “The very thought of you and am I blue?” which is a reference to “Am I Blue?" a blues standard that was written by Harry Akst and Grant Clarke in 1929. 

Then comes “A love supreme seems far removed” which references “A Love Supreme” an album (considered by many to be the best jazz album) by John Coltrane, an American jazz saxophonist. 

Next “I get along without you very well some other nights” which is a reference to chet bakers song “I Get Along Without You Very Well.” 

“Reporting Russian lullabies” a reference to either Ella Fitzgerald’s “Russian Lullaby,“ OR John Coltrane jazz song also called “Russian Lullaby.“

“She'll turn to me awake and ask, "Is everything alright?" which references “It’s All Right With Me,” originally written by Cole Porter

And we’re still not done cause in the chorus we get “Sweet music playing in the dark” which is a reference to “Slow Swing and ”Sweet Jazz Music" by Jelly Roll Morton and “Dancing In the Dark” by Duke Ellington. “Be still, my foolish heart” being a reference to “My Foolish Heart” a popular song and jazz standard published in 1949 by Victor Young and Ned Washington. 

To end this, i dont think think ive ever said reference more times in my life and i dont think ill be saying it again for a while. This song has so much going on in it that all of this was only a small part of the song as a whole and i know this was probably way too long to read but i still think it was worth it.

[692]

[fa7hum]

Desired Destination

During the moments I spent with her, as the agonizing days pass without her here.

I am discovering how physical affection is in the worlds playground. On this earth confined to a temporary "life" confined between space and time.

There are Limitations,

rules to follow,

Religion as well as random theories are used to gain some sense of direction to the human race.

Do you understand, that if something is defined a conclusions been made.

There is now no more room for imagination/ creation.

In the same sense every soul/spirit I believe has the potential to dream/imagine/create with unfathomable limits.

In this world as i know it ive discovered that regardless of how pure my intentions have been.

When i was young, and nave believing casting a beatiful net will land me only beautiful things.

Thave come to the realization that my vessell is a compact complex universe that was destined to create its own orbit.

Designed for limitlessness

but the ones before us decided to rob the generations prior of this absolutely true infintely powerful tool called love

Love is a gift that everyone has the chance to partake in first

the trust fall - to have a vision/preminission/ dream that is yet to be physical but to have and to hold an idea that calls your heart home as if its sitting there presently with no actual promise of that dream being obtained. As the world turns and moments pass with this destination in mind that is constantly breathing new life and oppurtunities. The journey of losing and finding direction truly is a one of a kind no replica path that we all hold within us. Everyone of us will experience a different life and that is so beautiful because in this it goes to show looking back at peoples lives when theyre over.

There are stories of infinite multitudes but i say none are right or wrong because my soul has always led me to where i belong and i somehow had the balls enough to do countless things that were not ideal or comfortable from a certain aspect.

In those moments where I decided to listen to my soft soulful spirit which gave me this new alternate path that was beyond all rationality and logic. There were so many times this grand path of mine that everyone else is completely blind to landed me multiple times in a place which seemed like failure and I was told i was wrong. What if i actually planned on the conclusion to crash and burn because i love the excitement. Or they could be right, i was wrong. its truly whatever because . I started finding a sense of peace that i never imagined recently.

Why does the world america lives in see only black and fucking white? Such a dull dismal place to rot. I see the colors between the colors as well as the shades on top beneath and sides.

I came to a period in time i finally became released from the clutches of a judgemental, titling, accusing world.

lam no longer a slave to the previous battles i experienced on the journey.

Considering i was walking down an untread path for centuries. Feeling my way through the dark labrynth those days seem compared to searching for the holy grail.

recall feeling so fucking alone my whole life, as i watched and admired from a very young age love in companionship, friendship, grace, with an amazing gift of forgiveness as well as true understanding.

That's all i wanted, that's all i fucking dreamed of.

Nothing else i could care less about cars, money, sex, a house, no. remember i craved this presence like it was out there calling for me at all moments. Like getting called home to a wonderful forever type feeling. I wondered and dreamed who she was, where she was, what she was doing, what she was wearing, just wanted to make sure she knew i belonged to her only because it was a very clear feeling and always has been.

I craved learning about love from the Bible feeling as if i needed to learn all about love because i was supposed to share it with her.

Its crazy to think that for 20 years i longed for her but i never saw her in a vision/dream or anything like that. But i felt her! I felt her hope clear as day. I felt her pain. I felt her loneliness/ desire for our long lost family a burning desire right with mine. I felt her happy. felt her fucking dreams and lived in them but it just felt like an empty magnificent museum at the time. I wouldve never imagined that a 100 pound girl could contain a beauty so magnificent she has, is and always will be my desired destination.

, jtr

xoxo

[beibichhichi]

diary entry (9/9/23)

ive been writing all day, i can feel myself slipping back into the role of a narrator, i feel comfortable in that postion. i feel like sylvia plath when she gazes at her fig tree and it stretches out and all i can think of is him. heres some of the things i thought today.

why do i have such a visceral reaction to the heat ?

if she tried to kill me i think i would let her

i feel like im being stolen from, my life, my identity, my needs.

she took my course, she took my eraser, she took my earphones. but its stupid to think its rude, im stuck up to think i deserve this to myself, i was born w the same dna as her. we were born to share. i dont want to share.

im a selfish person, who wants to lie in a dark room with no other option but to sleep. to fall into a dreary unconciousness and stay there until im fully healed.

i dont show people my art anymore and i wonder when she will learn to do the same. or maybe im not an artist in the same way she is, im a selfish artist who makes it for herself and herself only. i do it for my own pleasure, she does it to work through her trauma and begin to build a relationship with others feeling the same way. who do i attract ? girls with complexes ?

its hard to cry and everything i see is telling me to stop eating.

i feel nauseas, as if a large claw has ripped through the inside of me.

my room smells of rain and i dance on the edge of seventeen.

thats all for today, almost, but i cant stop thinking. and im alone and my birthday is taunting me.

[jeezypetes]

I just realized I haven’t danced in a year :(

[angstysebfan]

The Past Can Break You - 2

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

AU: Avengers

Summary: You and Bucky have been dating for aa few years. As far as you’re concerned he is the one. But what happens when a blast from the actual past shows up?

A/N: Ive seen a lot stories of Bucky getting his first love from the 40′s back. And I’ve always wondered... what would happen if he was dating someone already? Reader is from this time. Not proofread.

Warning: Smut 18+ only please

--

When Bucky made it up to your shared room he slowly and silently opened the door. You were sitting on your bed, your back facing the door, but he could tell you were crying by the shaking of your shoulders. It broke his heart to see you so upset.

He closed the door behind him and walked over to sit next to you. He wrapped his metal arm around your waist and pulled you into his embrace. You then openly sobbed into his chest. Bucky caressed your back and kissed you on the head, allowing you to cry.

When you started to calm down you sighed deeply, sniffed, and said, “Are you going to break up with me now?”

Bucky’s heart completely broke. He put his finger under your chin, forcing you to look at him. “No, baby. Of course not. I love you. I love you so much! Why would you think that?” He asks.

“Because before we started dating you told me about Dot and how much she meant to you. You were going to propose when you got home from the war. Well here is your chance to live the life you wanted with the girl you wanted,” you say as tears again start to leak from your eyes.

“Baby, I’m not the same man I was then. Yes, I still have love for Dot, but I’m so madly in love with you. I promise,” he said, kissing your forehead, nose, and then lips.

“I’m going to help Dot become acclimated to the world now, and help her settle. But I promise I will always be here for you, ok?” He asks.

You nod, feeling slightly better. “I love you,” you say.

“I love you too. I’ve gotta get down to the lab. I promised Dot I would be down there with her. But I won’t be long,” he says before kissing you again and then leaving.

You sit and wait for him, hoping it wouldn’t take too long. But after 4 hours you give up on him and go to sleep. You hope that he will keep his word on still loving you. You don’t want to lose him. You love him too much.

- -

1 month later

Over the last several weeks, you’ve only seen Bucky’s about a handful of times. He’s always off with Dot, helping her learn the ways of today, and helping her deal with her “trauma”. Every time he tries to give you a little time she always calls for him saying how upset she is or that she’s about to have a panic attack. You try and be understanding but at the same time it’s really starting to annoy you.

One of the worst things is that he barely even sleeps with you anymore. This morning you woke up to an empty bed, yet again, and head downstairs for breakfast. When you got down to the common room you heard the sound of Dot’s giggles and saw her sitting on the couch with Bucky, her feet on his lap. At that point you lost your appetite, so you went up to the roof instead.

After an hour you hear the door to the roof open as you’re staring off into the distance. You feel arms wrapped around your waist as a stubble chin rest on your shoulder. You decide to ignore him and continue staring off into the distance and several thoughts past of your mind.

“Was looking for you,” Bucky said as he kissed your shoulder. “Why you up here all alone?”

You sigh, “well I’m used to being alone a lot these days. And I guess I didn’t feel like sitting there watching you and Dot flirt in the common room,“ you say annoyed.

You hear him sigh behind you as he puts his forehead on your shoulder. “I know, and I’m so sorry that I haven’t been around much. I’m just trying to do my best to help her,” He said.

“I promise I’ll try and do better at managing my time so that I can spend more time with my girl,“ he says as he kisses the back of your head and trails kisses all the way down to your neck.

He turns you around in his arms and rests his forehead on yours. Before you know it you are both swaying to no music, until Bucky starts singing your song. You wrap your arms around his neck as you both slow dance to your song as Bucky sings. When he finishes you kiss him passionately.

“Tonight we will have date night. No Dot, no interruptions, just you, me, and that new lingerie you bought a few weeks ago,” he says as he continues to sway you.

You smile widely at the thought of spending a night alone with your boyfriend. “Oh Bucky, that sounds amazing! I’ve missed you so much, and I get what your doing, but it’s hard,” you say.

“I know. I’ve been neglecting you and it ends now. You are my priority, not Dot. And I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you. Tonight,” he says.

You kiss him in reply.

- -

Later that night, after dinner and another bout of dancing, you come out of the bathroom with your new lingerie set. You stand in the doorway staring at your half naked boyfriend. Bucky’s eyes darken with lust as he starts to stalk towards you like a lion about to pounce.

“You look good enough to eat, baby,” he says huskily. He then pulls you into his arms with a searing kiss.

He leads you to the bed and throws you on it, before jumping on top, connecting your lips again. His hand travels down to your core and he moves your panties to the side, putting pressure on your clit. He starts rubbing at an intensely fast pace, making you lose your breath. Very quickly he pulls your first orgasm from you.

Before you come back to earth you feel your new panties being ripped from you, as well as the bra. Bucky loved to rip your underwear all the time. He kissed his way down your stomach to your wet core and dove in. Your back arched off the bed.

“Oh my god, Bucky!” You moaned as your hand pulled his hair.

He then stuck two metal fingers into you and started pumping. You knew it wouldn’t be long now. You couldn’t stand the amazing sensation of his fingers and tongue. You started to feel the build up of pressure in your belly.

“Bucky! I’m going to cum,” you cry as you again orgasm on his face.

After a moment Bucky kisses his way back up your lips. You taste yourself on his tongue, which makes you wetter, if that’s possible. “You are the best thing I have ever tasted, Doll. Truly exquisite,” he says.

He then pulls off his pants and boxers before lining up with you. He slowly starts to push in, which feels amazing. After a moment he completely bottoms out in you. He kissed you, and just as he is about to thrust, you are both interrupted by FRIDAY.

“Sergeant Barnes, Ms. Jones is requesting to see you sir,” she says.

Bucky groans into your neck, “Tell her I’m busy and we’ll talk in the morning,” he says.

“I’m sorry sir, but she appears to be having a panic attack and having trouble breathing,” FRIDAY says.

“Shit,” Bucky says as he pulls out of you and grabs his sweats. He looks at you guiltily, “I’m sorry. I’ll be back in 10 minutes tops, and then we can finish what we started,” he says before running out the door.

You stare at the door as it closes in shock. He just left you in the middle of sex for his ex. What the hell! You lay there and wait, but after 2 hours you decide to get dressed in sweats and a t-shirt. You take your ruined lingerie and throw it out. You lay back on your bed thinking about how you will have a stern discussion when he comes back.

Before you know it, another 2 hours go by and it’s the middle of the night. You’re more than angry, now you are hurt. You grab your pillow and your blanket and leave your shared room with Bucky, and head to your old room. After locking the door, you inform FRIDAY not to let anyone, especially Bucky in. You climb into bed and allow a few tears before falling asleep.

- -

Bucky woke up the next morning disoriented. When he realized he was still in Dot’s room he panicked. After he finally got Dot to calm down last night he went to leave but Dot begged him to stay until she fell asleep. He must have dozed off too. He quickly got out of the bed and quietly exited the room.

Steve was coming down the hall and saw Bucky’s coming out of Dot’s room. “ why are you in Dot‘s room?” Steve asked.

“She had a panic attack last night and I came to calm her down and fell asleep. Y/N is going to be so pissed at me,” Bucky said.

“Wasn’t last night date night?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded, “Yea and Dot interrupted right in the middle of sex. I left Y/N there naked on the bed like a jackass,” Bucky said angrily.

“You left her in the middle of sex to deal for your ex!? Why didn’t you ask me to deal with it?” Steve yelled.

“I don’t know. Dot says she only feel comfortable with me. I’m just trying to help her. But I’m going to lose my girl in the process. I’ll talk to Dot later about it, but things have to change. I can’t keep ignoring my girl,” Bucky said.

Steve nodded, “Yeah, we’ll good luck with talking to her after last night,” he said before slapping Bucky’s shoulder and leaving.

Bucky sighed and went to your shared room, only to see that you weren’t there. He checked the kitchen, common room, roof, gym, and lab but couldn’t find you. The last place he went was to your old bedroom. He found the door locked, which told him he found you.

“FRIDAY, can you please open the door?” He asked the AI.

“I’m sorry Sergeant Barnes. But I was requested by Agent Y/L/N to not let anyone, especially you in,” FRIDAY said.

Bucky’s heart dropped. He really messed up.

- -

Chapter 1 / Chapter 3

A lot happening in this chapter. Bucky being stupid, but at least he is aware. Now can he fix it? will the reader let him? And what else will Dot do? Feedback is appreciated!

Permanent Taglist:  @hailmary-yramliah @tuiccim @comedictragedy @cap-n-stuff @thefridgeismybestie @swiftmind @aleaisntcreative @lookiamtrying @pinknerdpanda @morganclaire4 @iamvalentinaconstanza @verygraphicink @im-squished @joannie95 @peace-love-hobbitness @connie326 @amandamdiehl @harrysthiccthighss @its-izzys @roserose26 @rebekahdawkins @elegantobservationstudentsblog @broco8 @shinykoalacat @white-wolf1940 @jessyballet

Story Taglist: @afuckingshituniverse @wintrfld 

[seunggelic]

shut up and dance with me - han jisung

A/N: hi guys! i am so sorry for not updating in a while I got super busy with work and stuff but I’m really excited about this one :D I didn’t really proofread it so its probably riddled with grammar and spelling errors. also i’m sorry if it feels a bit rushed at the end, i might edit it. I hope you enjoy!

pairing: han jisung x reader

genre: best friends to lovers (i am a sucker for this trope)

description: after pining after minho for so long you finally worked up the guts to ask him out, unknowingly breaking your best friends heart

warnings: minho and changbin are kinda mean in this 

word count: 4k

Today was the day. You weren’t gonna hold it off anymore, you’ve been pining after minho for 2 years now and you were almost certain he felt the same way. 

“Im so nervous but so excited maybe this is a bad idea but I shouldn’t hold it off anymore” you rambled on to jisung. He threw in a few “uh huh’s” and “yea’s” here or there but you knew he wasn't listening. “HAN JISUNG” that got his attention “what do I do.” He groaned “just tell him how you feel or whatever he probably likes you too plus the sooner you do this the sooner I can stop hearing about him” you barely heard what he was saying, there were so many thoughts running through your head you couldn’t pay attention to whatever jisung was saying “who’s not listening now” 

“sorry sorry i’m just so nervous i’ve never asked anyone out before let alone asking someone to a dance” you continued pacing back and forth across the room. Jisung stood up and grabbed your shoulders “theres nothing to be nervous about. even if he says no you’ll always have meee~” he ruffled your hair. “Ew you’re so gross ji” you pushed him away 

*time skip* 

“So how are you gonna do this anyway?” The two of you were currently hiding behind a corner staring at minhos locker. “i’m gonna put this in his locker, run away, and then we can see his reaction without me having to actually talk to him” “this seems like a lot of unnecessary work” you smacked him in the head “shut up and tell me if you see him coming” 

You dashed towards his locker and started to slip the carefully worded note in the locker. “Y/n?” You whip around to see changbin, one of minhos best friends. “What do you want changbin?” you try to the letter behind your back but changbin snatches it “what do we have here?” “STOP THATS NOT FOR YOU” you jumped up to grab it from him but he yanks it out of your reach. To make matters worse you see minho walking towards you. “Changbin please give that back” he snorts “no way. Not before I read it first” you felt your heart drop as he ripped open the pink envelope. 

“Dear minho,

         I know you are way out of my league but I feel like there is a connection between the two of us. You are kind, intelligent, and i feel so much happier whenever I’m around you” all you could do is watch in horror as changbin spilled your feelings to everyone in that hallway, including minho. “Ive never met anyone as amazing as you and I really really like you. Will you go with me-“ 

You didn’t even see him coming but within milliseconds changbin was on the ground with jisung on top of him. jisung began throwing punches and you winced at every sickening thud. Classmates were gathering, teachers were running towards the scene, and to top it all off there was minho, staring right at you. It was too overwhelming, feeling dizzy and sick you ran away. 

“Y/n?” You heard someone call out but you kept running, wanting to get as far away as possible. 

You found an empty corner in some random hallway, most of the students had left to see what the big commotion was about. Once you felt that you were alone you began to cry. right now your best friend was in a fistfight, your crush found out about your feelings, and the whole student body would soon find out about your failed confession. 

Suddenly you felt a hand on your shoulder, you flinched and backed away a couple inches. “Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you” you knew that voice. You look to make eye contact with minho then hastily wipe your tears. “Oh hey what’s up” he squats to be on your level “were you..crying?” “What? ..no” he softly laughs, your voice is shaky and your eyes are red and puffy, its pretty clear that you were crying a few seconds prior. 

“Im sorry about..what changbin did” you freeze. how were you supposed to talk to your crush after your feelings were just broadcasted to a whole hallway of kids. “You don’t have to talk to me just because you feel bad.” You tucked your chin on your knees, expecting him to walk away. To your surprise, you feel his shoulder brush against yours as he sits down next to you. “I really liked your letter” you heard rustling, then out of your peripheral vision you saw a flash of pink. turning your head you see minho holding your letter, a bit crumpled, but your letter nonetheless. 

You quickly reach out to grab the letter from hands but his grasp on it is strong, after a few tugs you give up and drop your hands. “How did you get this?” “Changbin dropped it when jisung tackled him.” the moment he said jisung you sat up. You mind began to race worrying about him, he’s feisty and energetic but he’s no match for changbins strength. You had to go look for him, you had to see if he was ok. 

You were pulled out of your thoughts when minho gently puts his hand on your knee. “Y/n, would you like to go to the dance with me?” Your eyes widened and minho laughs at your reaction. Standing up he offers his hand to help you up. you grab his hand and slowly stand up, eyes never leaving his. “I know you kinda beat me to it but I was actually gonna ask you..so do you want to?” “I-“ is all you could get out. You mind was fuzzy, you could feel his warm hand on yours and then felt yourself being pulled into his arms. The hug was nice, but you were caught off guard and a little uncomfortable at the sudden contact. “I’ll take that as a yes”. This should’ve been the happiest moment of your life but your mind kept wandering back to jisung. 

After minho left you pulled out your phone to text your best friend. what you didn’t know was jisung had been standing a few feet away mere seconds ago. After the fight with changbin he ran off to find you only to discover you and minho hugging. 

*time skip*

You paced back and forth, jisung had texted that he was only 5 minutes away. You were excited about Minho but overall worried about jisung. 

Soon you heard knocking at your door and you rushed to open it. Jisung had definitely seen better days. His lip was bloody, there were scratches on his face, and he was sporting a swollen black eye. “Oh ji…” “hey-” he was cut off as you reached out and grabbed his face turning it left and right, examining all the damage. “Come inside I have some bandaids that can help with” you gestured towards his face “..all that”

He was sitting on your bathroom counter, legs on either side of you while you gently tended to his wounds. “Why’d you do this hm? Now you’re gonna have a black eye for the dance” he avoided your gaze “changbin was being a jerk” 

“Still this was unnecessary” he stayed silent. after a beat of silence you decided to speak again “so did you get in trouble?” “Nah, they were more mad at changbin for stealing someones property or whatever” He let out a snort “I got him so good though” you stopped what you were doing and raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Really? Because your face begs to differ” he gave an exaggerated offended look “ok well you should see his face, his black eyes have black eyes” you let out a laugh “you are so stupid sometimes” “not as stupid as y-“ jisungs breath got caught in his throat. You were leaning in to bandage a cut near his eye. your faces were centimeters apart, he was about to combust. “what were you saying?” You said, distracted by the nasty gash. “Oh uh,” his eyes glanced towards yours “nothing” 

Sighing you backed away from the counter and leaned on the wall. “Ok well I think thats pretty much all I can do. You might wanna ask your mom to fix some of the stuff though, I don’t really know what I was doing” he turned around to face the mirror and examine his face “nah she’ll just worry” he smiled at the hello kitty bandages adorning his face “you didn’t have anything a little less…pink?” “Don’t judge me these bandages are hella cute. And if you don’t want your mom to worry how are you supposed to explain this when you get home.” “Thats the thing…do you think I can stay here for the night?”

*time skip*

You laid out a pillow and some extra blankets on the couch. “One night only, then you need to go back home” “yea yea whatever” he responds nonchalantly as he rifled through your closet. “Hey didn’t I leave some clothes here last time, where are they?” “I think the your pants are somewhere in the drawer” you called from the other room where you were changing. He turned towards your dresser and smiled when he saw a polaroid of the two of you. “Ok I found the pants but where’s my..” you walked into the room wearing your pajamas. “..shirt. are you serious right now” “OH MY GOD WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING A SHIRT” you shrieked and covered your eyes “DON’T BLAME ME YOUR LITERALLY WEARING MY SHIRT RIGHT NOW” “YOU COULD’VE WARNED ME IM ACTUALLY SCARED FOR LIFE AND ITS NOT MY FAULT FOR WANTING TO WEAR MY PAJAMAS”

the chaos was interrupted by his laughter. Peeking through your fingers you could see his head thrown back and his hands on his stomach, clutching it from laughing too hard. you could feel your face get hot, you needed to leave the room. “I bet you wore it on purpose so you could see me without a shirt on” he teased as you walked out. A few seconds later the shirt was thrown at jisungs head. 

*time skip* 

The two of you sat on the couch eating ice cream “Don’t get any on my blanket, I just bought it” you warned him “why do you have no faith in me, Im not a complete klutz” as he said this, a drop of ice cream rolled down his hand and promptly landed on the blanket. You let out a long sigh as jisung hastily tried to wipe it away

“Oh I almost forgot, something huge happened with minho today” he stopped wiping “oh?” “Yea so we ended up talking for a bit after..what happened today and long story short he asked me to the dance!!” He clenched his jaw “thats..thats awesome. I told you he liked you back” he said ruffling your hair. “Shut up oh my god” standing up you grabbed the finished wrappers to throw them away

“Ok im going to bed, see you in the morning” “night” and with that you left him in the dark room. Alone with his thoughts, and all he could think about was how he missed his chance

*time skip*

You were meeting with jisung for the first time in a couple days, it had been hard to talk to each other recently with finals coming up and having to plan for prom so you were looking forward to catching up. Your knee bounced up and down and the leather squeaked as you shifted uncomfortably. where is he. Its not unlike jisung to be late but he was taking an eternity

You heard the bell hanging over the door ring and your head shot up. Exhaling a sigh of relief you waved him over. “Took you long enough” he slid into the seat across from you and smiled “sorry I got caught up in something”. Most of his cuts had healed, his black eye was now more of a gross yellow color, but there was definitely improvement. 

“so..” You started “how’ve you been, I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever” he scratches his neck “yea sorry I guess i’ve just been busy.” “Too busy to talk to your best friend?” You almost say but bite your tongue. there were a couple beats of awkward silence. “Well anyways nothing new has really happened, just a bunch of homework and tests” there was a strange cloud of tension between you two. It was so weird, it’s not like you guys fought or anything, something just felt..off. 

“how’s prom planning going?” jisung asks, pulling you out of your thoughts. “Its pretty good, I mean minho is making me wear a purple dress because the color suits him or whatever but I found this blue dress and oh my god its so gorgeous and not to toot my own horn but I look hot in it” you laugh trying to lighten the atmosphere. but jisungs expression is serious “tch, thats not fair, you should be able to wear the dress you like” you snort “its not a big deal ji, its just a dress” he mumbles something in response but you couldn’t hear

“Speaking of prom, have you asked anyone yet?” He looks down and fiddles with his rings “uhh I wasn’t planning on asking anyone really” “seriously? Cmon ji theres gotta be someone you wanna go with” he looks up and theres a hint of sadness in his eyes “yea I guess.” you frown “are you oka-“ 

“Y/n!” Out of the blue minho walks into the restaurant. “Hey minho” you greet him with a smile. Jisung watches as minho slides into the seat next to you and wraps his arm around your waist, he doesn’t miss the awkward face you make looking down at minhos hand. “So, what are you guys doing here” minho asks “just catching up, we were talking about-“ you look over at minho who is scrolling on his phone, barely paying attention “uh-huh” he replies “thats great. Anyways did you look into some purple dresses that match my tux” jisung rolls his eyes “oh yea” you reply pulling out your phone “um are these ok?” You pass your phone to him 

“y/n, why is this still in your cart” he shows the blue dress that you just cant seem to let go of “sorry, I just really like the dress” minho smiles “well thats great but its not purple, so lets just” he removes the blue dress from your cart “thats better, now lets look at purple dresses, ok?” “sure.” truth be told, fantasy minho was much nicer than real life minho 

“I should get going guys” your head shot up at jisungs statement. You gave him a look that said please stay, jisung could see the desperation in your eyes, but he couldnt stand sitting in the booth with minho any longer “sorry y/n, i’ll text you ok?” He reached to ruffle your hair but hesitated when he saw minho glaring at him. And with that, he was gone. 

*time skip* 

8:09 PM 

Y/n: sorry minho interrupted our hang out today

Ji: its fine, you needed to plan for prom anyway

Y/n: yea but still

Y/n: also you reminded me, who are you gonna ask to prom

Ji: oh did I forget to tell you? Katie randomly texted me and asked if I wanted to go so I said yea

You stared at the message. Jisung is actually going with another girl. Why should you care? You are going with minho. you are happy for jisung..right?

8:12 PM

Ji: y/n??

Ji: is that ok?

Ji: helloooo

Ji: I can tell her no if you want

8:13 PM

Y/n: nono thats great i’m so happy for you

Y/n: my little jisung is all grown up

Ji: ew i’m blocking you

Y/n: love you too

*time skip* 

You couldn’t help but frown looking in the mirror. The dress was nice but you just wish you could wear the blue one. “Y/n! Minhos here!” Your mom calls from downstairs. “Coming mom!” You shout back. You check your hair one last time before leaving to go downstairs. 

You shyly smile at your parents and minho. “You two look so cute, get together for pictures” your mom coos. “Oh my gosh mom” you hide your face in your hands, embarrassed. “I am your mother, I am gonna take pictures of my baby” rolling your eyes you lean into minho and smile. After about 10 photos you stop your mom, “okok we are gonna be late” you grab minhos hand to leave “oh fine, go ahead don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. And make sure to say hi to jisung for me” “will do” you say before shutting the door. “Sorry about that” you apologize to minho “its fine, your mom is nice. Shall we go?” 

*time skip*

Pulling into the school parking lot you see friend groups and couples dressed to the nines. “Ready?” You give minho a nod before stepping out of the car

The gymnasium was beautifully decorated, you could barely tell its where hundreds of students suffer through PE every day. Your eyes scan the room looking for jisung but before you can find him minho drags you to meet his friends, one of them being changbin.

“Well well well, hello y/n. Having a good time?” You scoff at changbin “what’s with the attitude, I helped you get your date.” “Whatever changbin” you look up at minho, half expecting him to stand up for you but he is laughing and talking with some girl who came with changbin. 

Sitting at the table you meekly sip on your drink. The entire night you felt ignored since minho was just talking to his friends. To make matters worse, you hadn’t seen jisung all night. You slumped in your chair and looked at the happy couples dancing, this blows. 

“Im gonna get a refill” you whisper to minho, but he waves you off, all his attention on the girl sitting in front of him. You take your time walking to the snacks table, not wanting to go back to your table. On the bright side, you spot jisungs fluffy hair over the crowd of people and practically run up to him. 

“Oh my gosh ji where have you been all night i’ve been looking all over-“ you get a good look at his outfit. He’s wearing a simple black tux with a blue accent, ironically it would’ve gone perfectly with the other dress. To put it simply, he looked good, really good. “-for you..” he looked you up and down “you look really pretty y/n”, you felt your face get hot you shouldn’t have been so affected by that, you are here with another guy after all. 

Regaining your compose you look around in the general vicinity “where’s Katie?” He chokes on the cookie he was eating. He struggles for a few seconds before answering “she’s uh.. she’s in the bathroom. Yea the bathroom. Where’s uh.. where’s minho” you sigh “oh he’s over there-” you turn around to show jisung but end up seeing minho with the girl practically in his lap, whispering in her ear making her giggle. 

You feel the tears welling up in your eyes but put on a brave face “I should probably head back to the table” “what? Y/n do you see him right now” jisung is practically fuming. “Its..its fine jisung” you turn to go back to the table but jisung grabs your wrist “y/n cmon..lets go somewhere else” you smile but remove his hand “its ok jisung I can handle it” but he couldn’t just stand there and watch you be ignored by minho any longer. 

You feel him rush past you “ji?” He doesn’t hear you. he walks right up to minho and grabs him by the collar. “How stupid are you” venom drips from jisungs words “excuse me? Back off dude” minho tries to get out of jisungs grip but fails “you were lucky enough to go to this dance with the most amazing girl in the world, and you choose to abandon her for some bumbling bimbo? You are such a douche” whispers and murmurs were heard throughout the crowd that had formed. 

Minho scoffed “you are just jealous because you are too much of a pussy to admit that you are in love with your best friend” that threw jisung off guard “I-“ his voice cracked and he looked back at you “you know what. maybe I am, but I would never be stupid enough to let her go like you did” he reached his arm back to punch him in the face. “ji?” Hearing your voice he stopped and dropped his hand. “You’re lucky she stopped me” and with that jisung let go of minhos collar, letting him fall to the floor. 

All eyes were on jisung, feeling too overwhelmed he ran out of the room. Picking himself up off the floor minho laughed “told you he was a pussy” that was the last straw, you slapped minho and threw the remnants of your drink on him “shut up minho, you’re just- you are such a terrible person” you ran off to find jisung while the crowd laughs at a humiliated minho.

After a few minutes of searching, you found him sitting on the steps outside. You slowly approached him and lightly tapped him on the shoulder. He flinched and turned around, quickly wiping his eyes. “Hey jisung..” You sat next to him but frowned when he avoided your eyes. after considering your options you speak up again, “did you mean what you said?” He turns back around to face you “yea minho is a douche, I stand by that” you laugh and hit his arm “you know what i’m talking about” 

He exhales before responding “..yea I really- I do.. ya know… I do like you” your heart swells “but I get it if you don’t feel the-“ you couldn’t hold back any longer, you launch yourself onto jisung and crash your lips on his. He falls back but holds your sides so you dont fall onto the concrete. When you pull apart his smile is brighter than the sun “woah” 

The feeling of bliss is cut short when you are filled with an overwhelming sense of dread. You cover your mouth with your hand. Jisung looks at you worriedly and grabs your other hand “what’s wrong” “what about Katie, you were on a date with her and I just- oh my god im a terrible person” you start slapping your forehead “i’m so sorry” he grabs your hand before you can continue hitting yourself “y/n nonono its fine its fine I swear” “HOW IS IT FINE THIS IS NOT-“ “I ..may have made it up” he says with a lopsided smile. This boy was going to be the death of you “did you seriously lie about a girl asking you out” “well I needed an excuse to go to the dance…and I couldn’t ask you because well you know” you grabbed his face and pecked his lips “you are so stupid” 

“So do you wanna go back in there? I feel bad for ruining your dance” he says leaning his head on your shoulder “nah i’m good, i’m pretty tired. Plus minho ruined my dance, you made it infinitely better” grabbing his hands you walked to his car and drove home

*time skip* 

You both collapse on the bed, completely exhausted. “What a night” “I know right” he replies. “Wait here” you get up to use the bathroom and change out of the uncomfortable dress. When you come out you are surprised to see the lights dimmed with jisung standing in the middle of the room with his hand outstretched. “May I have this dance?” “But- I just took off my nice dress” he laughs and reaches forward to grab your hand “shut up and dance with me”

[thrndlngs]

three times shinsou misses the opportunity to kiss you + the one time he seized the moment.

── pairing, shinsou x fem!prohero!reader ── request: x times shinsou wants to kiss fem reader??? pLZ I NEED IT ── author’s note: this was super dope & cute to write. tysm for sending this in. i hope i did this justice and it wasn’t to out of character.  also reader has a water quirk & the two of you are in your early twenties.  ♡ 

i.

     "'toshi,” you whispered, chest against his as the two of you currently hid from the group of villains. your two agencies had partnered up in attempt to take down a new gang of villains who were transporting drugs from the city to the waters, the two of you were partnered because of how the two of you excelled in your respective agencies, shinsou was sent to aid in your patrols of the waters  ──  which is why the two of you are currently hiding in a storage closet on a ship. 

  “shut up.” you don’t take it to heart, you’re sure he means it as nicely as possible - he just lacks a few pages in the ‘vocabulary’ department. 

  “we need to do something.” you tell him, trying your best to meet his gaze in the tight space (which was nearly impossible because he’s towering over you at the moment). he doesn’t reply, not at first at least, if you looked hard enough you would probably see the gears in his head turning. 

  “──stop talking, it’s distracting me.” 

  your mouth quickly shuts, fidgety hands are now at your side, you were starting to get antsy and there was practically little to no room to move around without being heard - or seen for that matter. 

  “they switch the guards every ten minutes, in the middle of the switch, we run.” the purple haired male explained, taking a peak at the time on his cellphone. the two of you had to endure this for three more minutes. just three more minutes and you would be free.

  “three minutes,” you repeated, more to confirm this for yourself. you’re sure you wouldn’t last that long, after all, this was shinsou, the male you’ve had a crush on for quite some time now. how were you expected to last that long?

  “──think of it like seven minutes of heaven.”

  “we haven’t played that since── “

  “yeah, yeah i know, but just think of it like that. don’t think about the closet, just the game.” 

  you nodded quickly, meeting his gaze as the two of you stood there in silence. you’d be lying if you said you weren’t thinking about kissing him. it seemed like the perfect moment - it was just the two of you. if it were the last day on earth, you at least wanted to go out with a bang. you know?

  “let me get comfortable, you can do the same after.” you watched as he places either hands besides your head, slouching a bit against the wall so his back could have some sort of support. he nods to you, signaling for you to do the same. 

  it takes you a moment, the position shinsou is currently in causes your heart to skip just a few beats. were you disappointed in yourself for letting your mind drift.. elsewhere during a mission? for sure. did you care right now? absolutely not.

  you cleared your throat, widening your stance and trying to balance the weight in between your legs to help ease some of the weight  ──  but there wasn’t really much you could do.

  “two minutes.” 

   this had to be the longest three minutes of your life.

   “i think i just tasted my own sweat.” he complained. it feels like he’s sweating in places he shouldn’t produce sweat in.

  “i feel like a fish out of water,” you added.

  “──gonna start passing out if i don’t throw you in the water soon?”

  “says the one whose sweating to death.” 

  “and you’re dehydrated. guess we’re both shit out of luck aren’t we?”

  “yeah, but, i think this isn’t the worst way to die.” 

  he takes another peak at his cellphone, noting that there’s a minute left before the two of you could finally get out of this damn storage closet. “you’ve got a minute to tell me anything worse than dying like this.” 

  in hindsight ── there’s a lot that could happen in a minute, that’s the only reason you said something to begin with. “alone, i could die in this closet, alone and then you know, it would be lonely.” 

 “are you serious?” 

  “oh come on! that’s pretty serious!”

  “it ── it really isn’t,” he’s trying to laugh as quietly as possible and you playfully slapped him in his shoulder. 

 “okay, well, i wouldn’t want to die alone.”

  “mhm, scaredy cat.” his smile is infectious and for a moment, he forgets that the two of you are stuck in a storage closet. maybe now would be the perfect time to kiss you, when it’s just the two of you, waiting to make your grand escape, when the two of your are just centimeters apart. 

  “now’s our chance,” he whispered, straightening himself to get out first just in case. he doesn’t want to act off of impulses. if he kisses you, he wants to make sure it’s because you want him too.

ii.

     “good to see you when you’re not acting like a goldfish who just hopped out of it’s bowl.” the familiar voice teased from behind you, hands folded behind his head. if it were anyone else, you might have tripped them.

  “──don’t you have to go buy hair dye now or something?”

  “no that was after i made sure a fisherman didn’t take you on the way home.”

  “is this what do you do on your spare time? think of jokes that revolve around my quirk?”  

  he rolls his shoulder lazily, leaning against the apartment railing across from your front door. “they come naturally, no extra thinking required.”

  “and here i thought all the hair dye went to your brain.”

   this wasn’t out of the norm for the two of you, he would make the first jab and then you would follow suit. sometimes, the bickering could go on for hours  ──  regardless of task at hand (like the time the two of you were trying to detain a villain and shinsou had told the woman you were a water sprite), it’s an old nickname of yours, he had given it to you back at the sports festival when you were kids. you had earned it when you had almost drown mineta because he wouldn’t stop making inappropriate jokes and you had brought the entire water fountain down on him. 

  as the two of you stood there in silence, you, had your back against your door, hands folded behind you while he stood parallel, arms against his chest he wonders: is this the time he kisses you goodnight? 

  “d’ya want to come inside? i have leftovers? we could pull an all nighter like we used to do back in the dorms?” there’s a hint of hopefulness in your eyes and he would feel like absolute shit if he declined the offer.

  “only because you have food.” 

  he doesn’t kiss you goodnight then. and he doesn’t kiss you goodnight when you fall asleep on his shoulder after the second horror movie either. if you were anyone else, he would’ve left without a care in the world, but it’s you and you are different. 

  so he stays and tells himself that tomorrow will be a new day and tomorrow, he can try again.

iii.

     “i don’t dance,” shinsou tells you as you so desperately tried to bring him onto the dance floor. it’s a hero’s gala, everyone from your respective classes at U.A. were here, pro heroes from all around the world and some of your old instructors as well  ──  these aren’t his thing, you know that. you remember his attitude during the first two hours of the third year’s ‘goodbye party’ - not much had changed. he’s taller, a bit more handsomer and smiles more often. 

  “you do tonight, come on.” while you had dragged him by one hand, the other desperately tried to loosen his tie because it feels like he’s suffocating. 

  “──you’ll be the death of me woman.” he’s mumbling under his breath, one hand resting in yours as the other found its place at your waist.

  “because i asked you to dance? might i say this is on your list of horrible ways to die?” you teased, offering him that infectious smile that makes him go weak in his knees. he hates to admit the pull you have on him  ──  he might even go as far as saying you might have him wrapped around that finger of yours and you don’t even know it yet.

  “if it’s by your hands i would say it’s a merciful death.”

  “a merciful death? i’ll keep that in mind.” 

  “don’t test your luck,” you know he’s only messing with you  ──  

  you’re to busy enjoying the moment to think of some witty comeback. it’s something about the way your hand seems to fit perfectly in his. or how the two of you are able to move in sync without any words spoken in between the two of you that’s driving you insane.

  if you would’ve told your past self that you would be slow dancing with the hitoshi shinsou at a hero’s gala while the world around you disappeared you would’ve laughed at the idea. it would’ve seem silly to you  ──  stupid even. shinsou and you weren’t rivals like you and bakugou were, but, you had always found yourself trying to one up him. 

  yet here you were, swaying to the slow tune as you managed to snake your arms around his midsection and rest a head against his chest. maybe this was his chance: with the little distance in between the two of you, dim lighting and dressed to the nines. surely, this would be a good memory to relive later down the road wouldn’t it? 

  but he wanted to savor the moment. so he decides it against it  ── despite the ache in his chest.

  iv.

     "we did it.” shinsou muses, an awkward hand offered in your direction for you to shake. it’s been six months but your agencies had finally shut down the smuggling operation and you could finally take the break you had so desperately needed. you weren’t sure what to do with the outstretched hand, but, you give in anyways, resting your hand in his as he gave it a firm shake.

  “pleasure doing business with you.” you tell him, lips curving into a bittersweet smile. teasing, bickering and ‘playful’ sparring aside, you were going to miss him. you were used to patrolling and doing missions on your own but this was different. 

  “try not to end up on the other side of fishing hook, yeah?” it’s his way of telling you to be careful in shinsou’s teasing nature.

  “make sure i’m the one to grant you the merciful death.” please be careful, is what you want to say. though you couldn’t bring yourself to say it aloud - if you did, it would only confirm that you care about the purple haired pro hero more than you should. 

  he shakes his head with a laugh, “you’re the only one who gets the satisfaction.” 

  “it better stay that way ‘toshi.” 

  he doesn’t know for certain if your agencies would cross paths again. your agency was closer to the waters and he was closer in the city, the chance that you would run into one another again would be slim to none. 

 he clears his throat for a moment, retreating his hand from yours and placing them at your waist instead. he’s pictured this a thousand times but now that he’s in the moment he couldn’t manage to find the right words. it’s frustrating, really.

  “──hi.” you’re holding your breath in anticipation, was this another one of his games? was he going to kiss you? tell you a secret? use his capture weapon and tell you that he’s not letting you go until you admit something embarrassing?

  he doesn’t care anymore. doesn’t care if it makes him look like a love sick idiot when he kisses you like it’s the last thing he’s about to do before he dies, he doesn’t care if anyone’s watching or for the wrinkles you’ll cause since you’ve got a fistful of his shirt in a desperate attempt to close whatever little distance the two of you had between you. 

  you pull away first causing him to pout (which was actually cute but you’d never give him the satisfaction of knowing that) but you do laugh.

  “you know,” he muses, a hand reaching up to rub at the back of his neck sheepishly, a habit you hadn’t seen in years. “──i didn’t want to let you walk away without something to remember, my little water sprite.” 

  you rolled your eyes at the choice of nickname but were flattered nonetheless, your own arms finding their way around his neck, “who said i was walking away?”