#ive been trying to respond to this in between classes so forgive me if i missed anything BUT i think i got. the main things

[todayisafridaynight]

I'm not a fan of Ebina at all but I kind of don't think getting wrapped up in the Aoki parallel is conducive to forming an understanding of him or the story either. I imagine the anons talking about how the epilogue went aren't exactly doing it just to recap the scene, but trying to point out that focusing so much on the things that make you mad may lead you to make bad faith assumptions about the storytelling and miss bigger picture of what it's trying to accomplish.

Because like, that bit in the epilogue isn't really about Ebina's motives. Upfront, it's confirmation that Jo didn't die offscreen after everything; after that, sure, it's potential insight on Ebina, but it's potential insight on Ebina as filtered through insight on Zhao.

Of course it's there in anticipation of the audience wanting an explanation or a follow-up, but it ultimately is just Zhao's two cents on the matter; he's projecting his experiences (conveying insight on Zhao), and it's disputed multiple times through Seonhee saying Jo might be tougher than expected (conveying what Seonhee thinks of Jo), Zhao agreeing that this is the more obvious conclusion (conveying what Zhao thinks of Jo and his own explanation), and Adachi saying only Ebina really knows why. You can say that makes it pointless with regard to clearing anything up but that's dismissing everything else it's trying to do. Also TBH both Ebina's monologue and Zhao's explanation are localized atrociously and lose the nuances of what Ebina was saying while making Zhao sound way more sure of himself than he is (on top of some lines just being completely wrong), but it's not on you for taking it at face value, so...

To get back to what I was talking about, I honestly wouldn't even say this part is asking you to sympathize with Ebina, just explaining what was going on in Ebina's head after he went silent, which is reasonable to want to explain given how quickly things get moving once Kiryu collapses. Zhao briefly touched on Ebina pointing out the futility of his own plans as part of his reasoning, but he was mostly talking about how Ebina was visibly moved by Kiryu's words, even though the sentiments conveyed basically were as simple as "Yeah, I get that you're angry" and "Hey, it's gonna be all right." Ebina could perhaps have been reached through words if someone had tried to sooner, a theme commonly explored in RGG; Zhao isn't really making that much of a leap in thinking Ebina would rather have heard it from the person he's closest to that we know of, Jo, than someone he just met like Kiryu.

If we're to take what Zhao says as fact, I think you're missing the mark when comparing the concept of Ebina wanting to be stopped to Ichiban and Aoki, too. It's more of a parallel to Jo wanting to be stopped before he had to kill Hoshino (which he does bring up earlier in IW), which I could see adding to Ebina's frustrations if Zhao's right since he almost definitely would know Jo has been in the same position of wanting to be confronted directly and yet he won't do it himself. That also would reflect on Jo, being unable to emotionally connect with any of Arakawa's sons even though that's what they want to varying degrees.

Rewinding, although I obviously would have liked to see another Eye Scene, I don't think it's that pivotal it doesn't happen on-screen, nor do I think it would add much to the existing scenes. IMO there's nowhere to add one in without breaking the flow of how the meeting transitions into the next scene.

Like, Jo being conspicuously missing from the meeting not only sets up tension as to where he is, you soon learn it means Ebina had already caught and begun torturing Jo before it began and get a sense of how premeditated killing Narasaki, holding Jo hostage, and burning down Tojo HQ was. Jo being in the wheelchair is not only ironic, but shows Ebina had already made it so Jo couldn't walk and that he was prepared to wheel him out of the burning building, which directly contradicts the idea he'd have killed him anyway or left him to burn to do death; he clearly wasn't planning to, at least not yet.

All of that already speaks to Ebina's ideology, convictions, and characterization as much or more than another Eye Scene would; that he doesn't have one differentiates this scene from others, if anything. As far as explaining his actions in that scene goes, there would be no point in telling Jo because Jo certainly remembers his past actions and would already know. Kiryu doesn't know, so it makes more sense he'd explain it to him later on. And since he does explain it to Kiryu, I can't really think of any questions left unanswered with regard to why he did all that.

With regard to why Ebina kept him alive, dismissing Zhao's speculation, Jo is the reason Kiryu and Ichiban are involved at all and makes for effective bait as a result. As for why he didn't kill him before Kiryu got there, as you mentioned, Ebina says himself he wanted Jo to see the downfall of the yakuza. It's made clear throughout that Kiryu and Jo are the only remaining figureheads of the yakuza Ebina is concerned with, so I expect he would've killed them in one go. It's the same idea behind the Second Great Dissolution as a whole; gather them up in one place and deal with them at your convenience. Arakawa may also have something to do with it, but this much is pretty easy to pick up from the game.

Outside of that, the simplest answer is that for the past several games RGGS has tried to keep their options open with regard to future games. If they want to do anything with Jo in future, noting he lived means they won't have to contrive a reason for why he's alive in the way they had to for why he's out of jail. I get you'd rather they discontinue the series here because you're worried it's going downhill, or at least that's how it sounded, but that doesn't mean the series is actually being discontinued and therefore there's no point in planning ahead.

I don't want to stray from the Jo topic so I'll leave it there. Much Love and With All Due I think you'd benefit greatly from playing the game off-stream with an open mind and at your own pace. I think if you're at the point you're asking why the party members are reflecting and speculating on what's happened so far end of their journey you're past the point of engaging with the story in good faith and it's kind of. Hm. Not Good

It’s unfortunate my irritation with the story has come across as being purely influenced by my personal feelings, and I do understand I can come across as explosive and reactionary at times. However, I do not imagine my agitation is totally unfounded. You’ve provided a substantial amount of points to cover, so pardon the length of this response as I take the time to go through them.

Full response under the cut for compression's sake.

Before I go in-depth with the character/s aspect of your ask, you make note of supposed translation issues, and I do not doubt they exist; you- alongside many others- have expressed your frustrations with the translation team in the past, and I have no reasons to distrust you on this as I’m aware translation teams in general make differences both minor and major when translating. However, as you are aware, not only do I not fluently speak Japanese and therefore cannot hear the dub/sub differences, but I certainly did not attempt to play the game with Japanese subtitles and could not even begin to attempt to read the dialogue changes. I cannot explore a point I have no knowledge in, and with these factors in mind I wish you had provided some examples of dialogue changes if they were necessary to better understand Ebina’s character, as you’ve usually been generous to provide evidence in the past. I can only provide my opinion in that the translation differences cannot be so drastic as to significantly weaken my stance, especially when no specific quotes have been supplied for me to reconsider.

Now to begin, it’s undeniable Ebina is supposed to parallel Aoki, whether as a whole or in parts. Particularly being a son of Arakawa who harbors ire towards him, his attempts to dismantle the yakuza so blatantly shouldn’t be overlooked (especially when Ebina has- quite literally- taken up Aoki’s mantle with taking Bleach Japan’s name and their mission to ‘clean up Japan.’ Of course their definition of ‘clean’ is varied, but they both maintained the objective to dismantle the yakuza and both harbor a disdain for the yakuza). Their shared goal of diminishing the yakuza, their grudge against Arakawa, and adopting the Bleach Japan organization are fair enough grounds as is to compare the two, and as a result I do not find disconnecting the two to be efficient when discussing Ebina. To add on, there exists contradicting notions to separate Ebina from Aoki yet simultaneously acknowledge their similarities complicates the point attempting to be presented, particularly when citing Ebina putting Sawashiro in a wheelchair and punctuating that as an Aoki parallel. Had Ebina had any unique qualities to him or had been given a chance to breathe as a character on his own to see these supposed qualities, then suggesting to do so would be fair. Yet the screen time Ebina was warranted and what they did with it does not validate this criticism of my observation of him.

To continue exploring Ebina’s parallels and relationships to the Arakawa’s, the supposed integral relationship between Sawashiro and Ebina is questionable. Throughout Infinite Wealth, Sawashiro and Ebina- from my perspective- did not read as anything beyond a superior and his inferior, not unlike Aoki and Sawashiro. However, where Ebina/Sawashiro and Aoki/Sawashiro differentiate, Aoki and Sawashiro had an established relationship that the game provided evidence for. In regards to Ebina and Sawashiro, it remains to be seen how the two are connected beyond banausic purposes and Ebina utilizing Sawashiro for his personal benefit simply because he was a notable yakuza.

A lack of clear connection between Sawashiro and Ebina aside from Sawashiro working for him  could have been rectified with the demonstration of The Eye Scene. RGG has never shied from showing gruesome scenes (lest we need a reminder of the initial Eye Scene), so in doing so this time not only did they evade the opportunity for cinematic irony in relation to Sawashiro losing his eye, but they also neglected the chance to truly explore Sawashiro and Ebina’s dynamic when they were alone. Even more so, it tends to be these gruesome scenes where the most telling bits of drama and characterization are pulled from: the insinuation that including a scene such as this would drag or halt the story goes against what RGG has been able demonstrate in their storytelling prior in carefully combining gore with meaningful storytelling. If believing including an explicit Eye Scene would hinder the story, then that is a critique on Infinite Wealth’s overall capabilities to tell its tale, not as a suggestion that another scene would be excessive.

Elaborating on Sawashiro’s injuries and the details behind them, It goes without noting that removing an eye so violently- among the collection of other bruises on Sawashiro- is an incredibly personal and aggressive action (See: Sawashiro’s Eye Scene). Was Ebina truly that enraged with Sawashiro for helping Kiryu and his crew, and was it just because Sawashiro was hindering his plans? Or was it because Ebina trusted Sawashiro on a personal level and felt betrayed by this? Was Ebina so brutal because of his personal feelings, or because he is sadistic in nature? We can assume this is not the case since he seems to detest ‘dirty tactics’ of yakuza, yet showing this hypothetical new Eye Scene would have done an exceptional job on elaborating on not only Ebina’s mentality, but his relationship with Sawashiro as well. 

Continuing this examination of the two, the comparison between Sawashiro wanting to be stopped after murdering Hoshino is- to put it bluntly- a reach. Beyond the semantic fact it was revealed Sawashiro didn’t actually murder Hoshino and- with this next context in mind- his warning to Ichiban and his party could be interpreted as wanting an out from Aoki’s side as a means to stop Aoki, I neglect to see the purpose of drawing these comparisons together when in relation to Ebina. When it came to Sawashiro’s surrender, this was due to him realizing once and for all he was only a puppet for Aoki and that his attempts to pursue being in his good will would be foolish. Yakuza: Like a Dragon had showcased throughout its entry that Sawashiro was already conflicted about serving under Aoki before his final scene (See: his one-on-one cutscenes with Aoki where he’s both shown to be verbally abused by him and demonstrates hesitance to obey/respond to him). It is much more believable to come to the conclusion Sawashiro’s surrender was a cry for help because of these instances provided by the game. Ebina’s hypothetical cry for help is not only completely executed differently, but it is also unfounded. There had been no indications Ebina was remorseful or had any reservations about what he was doing, nor that he wanted to be stopped. It was only Kiryu’s speech to him at the very end that it would be fair to come to this conclusion.

Rounding off the Sawashiro segment of this response, there’s no reason Sawashiro shouldn’t have died just as there is not apparent point presently in keeping him alive; whether he was meant to be ‘bait’ for Kiryu and his party matters little when his death would have made no difference to the end sequence whatsoever. RGG has made it clear they’re fickle when it comes to committing to the death of a character- at the very least, it can be praiseworthy that they didn’t pretend as though Sawashiro was dead only to bring him back X games down the line like nothing happened. To be sincere, it makes no sense from what was shown in-game for Ebina to keep Sawashiro alive: Sawashiro no longer served a utilitarian purpose to him, and he did not have any personal connections to him. All in all, supposing the alleged connection between Sawashiro and Ebina do exist, RGG had done an insufficient job of connecting them together, and at best only left small hints to hypothetically elaborate on. Pardon their alleged cries for help and putting Sawashiro in a wheelchair (which, truthfully, reads more as irony than anything personal), there had been no other way to connect the characters in any meaningful way to indicate they are meant to be connected in a deeper manner.

Moving on, it is necessary to remember that these characters are objects and if not serving in-universe purposes, can act as mouth pieces for creators. With that in mind, Zhao’s observation of Ebina can be summarized as just that: RGG’s attempt to explore the potential depths behind Ebina’s character without efficiently exploring it throughout the game before the finale. Zhao in his entirety had little to insignificant impact on the overall plot of Infinite Wealth: it’s unlikely RGG had true intentions to elaborate on Zhao’s personal feelings for characterization purposes when he hardly had any meaningful commentary beforehand. Postulating Zhao to be a spokesman for RGG is not baseless when RGG has in the past done similar with other characters (See: Akiyama speculating the true nature of the relationship between Majima and Mirei in Yakuza 5. He comes to conclusions without any evidence- neither from peers or from the game- besides his personal experience knowing Mirei, just as Zhao came to his own conclusions based predominantly on his upbringing).

Moreover, supposing that RGG did intend to explore Zhao’s character in this way, it does not excuse the lack of building up Ebina’s character beforehand. If RGG had done so, then corroborating these two would have been justified and would have had a more credible foundation: we are allowed to verify what Zhao is speculating (or we can disprove his feelings) due to evidence we’ve seen from the game about Ebina. As it stands now- considering RGG’s past of using characters to speak for them- it is justified to observe Zhao’s commentary as merely RGG’s last-ditch effort to add extra depth to Ebina.

It isn’t that Ebina’s backstory is void of potential, but with how RGG executed it, they expect the players to fill in the blanks themselves and then praise them for work they didn’t do when in the past they have done an excellent job of building up their characters, especially in recent entries to the franchise. One of the most basic forms of storytelling is to show and not exclusively tell your audience key, important events, yet Infinite Wealth seems keen on doing just that; therein lies a difference between drawing conclusions from the text, and having to actively hunt for points to build off of. The glaring gripe here is that much of Ebina’s intriguing points either happen off-screen, are treated haphazardly (See: Ebina’s initial backstory reveal being from a lackluster in-game cutscene considering the gravity of the information), they must be hypothesized from minimal evidence, or it is a hope on RGG to do something excellent in the future- which should not be the norm. There shouldn’t be a dependence on sequels and add-ons after the final product to improve or justify previous entries if there’s no proper groundwork laid in said entries, especially in a title like Infinite Wealth where it has a solid conclusion that leaves little for meaningful wonder. Should you want to make a case that there are points worth covering, there are absolutely none left by Ebina: the case that he has more to offer to the franchise cannot be confidently made without excessive theoreticals. As I’ve said before, I already intend to run through Infinite Wealth a second time. Of course, I will be sure to  do my best to approach the story with a more open mind with retrospect, yet I fail to see my opinions on Ebina swaying anytime soon.

Pivoting to the personal ending of this response, suggesting my woes only come from a personal standpoint and not from an objective view of the story as a whole is insulting. I won’t act as though my personal feelings don’t factor into things, however these feelings should not be regarded as a hindrance but should be an example of how much I’ve paid attention to and thought of Infinite Wealth’s story since my initial playthrough and that my dissatisfaction comes from a place of passion for this franchise, not ‘bad faith’. Ergo, attempting to justify Infinite Wealth’s shortcomings by stating it’s simply RGG’s signature style is not only minimizing the growth RGG’s writing team has exhibited in the most recent entries of the franchise, but it is also an insult to players by telling them to overlook insufficient writing just because that was the standard of the past when we’ve been shown greater. Perhaps not perfect stories, but stories with vast improvements compared to their predecessors.

Finally, and looking to the future, my concerns on RGG’s next steps shouldn’t be treated as pessimistic conjecture and instead as sincere curiosity. Infinite Wealth had done a good job on rounding up loose ends from the franchise (tying up those ends well is another topic to touch on another day), so forgive me wondering how RGG will go forward with its stories when there’s little to build on from the previous sagas without repeating itself. The future of RGG is an entirely different discussion- a discussion I’m not concerned with having at this moment, so I thank you both for supplying your own perspective- which I always respect both your time and efforts to do so- and for reading my own.

[magioftheseas]

Soft Trauma

Summary: Komaeda wakes up, runs away from Hinata, but is caught by Naegi. Among other things.

Rating: T+

Warnings: Hospitalization, severe mental illness, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, some mentions of blood, just pretty messy medical stuff all around. There’s some rough kissing too Ig.

Notes: I’m pretty sure this fic was started in like...2013. 2014. It’s very, very old. I decided to finish it for kicks. Because it’s so old, dr3 just isn’t a blimp and it uses SHSL instead of Ultimate. So old. It’s Komaegi/KomaHina and very angsty. Have fun.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

“Are you alright?” That person asks him, and the look Komaeda is on the end of receiving is...strange, to say the least. He wouldn’t call it particularly caring—but the concern was clear. It was...a very obscured gaze, though it almost softens when Komaeda keeps gaping at him like a lost dog. “It’s...understandable though, right? With everything that’s happened, especially to you... But it’s over now.”

“I... What?”

“I don’t know what else to say to you,” the other continues on, and the softness is gone to be replaced with his expression pinching up. Like this feeble attempt at conversation is starting to cause him pain. “I don’t know... I don’t even know if I can forgive you. Do you remember anything?”

Komaeda doesn’t immediately answer—instead staring curiously at...him. With bizarrely long locks and dull red eyes. The question he asks... Komaeda doesn’t know how to respond to it either way.

But he seems to...understand. “Right. It’s been rough. Never mind. You know what—never mind.” And annoyance sparks through his features as he almost jerks away and stops just in the middle of leaving. “You’re awake. Everyone’s awake. That’s all the matters. It’s over.”

“Over?” he echoes, and the other grits his teeth though Komaeda can’t see it.

“...Komaeda...” Komaeda flinches—because his surname sounds so dry. Like it’s something the other had been avoiding to say for a while. And though he clearly struggles with saying the rest—just Komaeda is enough to leave him near breathless—he continues. “Try and get better soon.”

Komaeda sees him walk out of the room and close the door behind him—but he doesn’t hear a thing. Was that person a ghost? With the way that person looked, it could have been a demon—but no. No, he knows that’s not what that was. Demons don’t show such care, especially for someone like him and...

--

When he remembers, he rips out his IVs and leaves the hospital room.

To where, he isn’t quite sure. He just stumbles in the direction his legs take him, holding his bandaged stump to his chest and staring at the ground all the while.

--

He’s still found, of course. But it’s not the person from before. It’s...someone else. Someone he knows but doesn’t fully remember.

“Komaeda-kun, there you are,” His sigh is relieved. Komaeda blinks the blurriness out of his eyes by the time he raises his gaze to the other approaching. Slowly. Carefully. His smile is small. Komaeda skitters back and further away. He still calls for him—but annoyance doesn’t touch his tone. Not like it would if that person—Hinata-kun—were the one to have found him. “Komaeda-kun, please. You need to get back. You’re not well.”

“How do you know that?” he asks in returns, voice too dulled to even manage surprise. “How would you know that? Who exactly are you?”

This brunet—it’s not Hinata-kun—doesn’t lose his smile for Komaeda like so many others. No, he still looks so understanding and it just makes Komaeda’s head spin more. It’s so dizzying, he might just faint and—then the other moves. And his hands are steadying Komaeda so that he doesn’t fall. Komaeda blinks a bit furiously, and for some reason, his heart is racing.

And this is familiar. He knows this feeling. He’s felt it before. He remembers that...

 “We...were in school together? We used to see each other quite a bit, right?” He remembers this—between the wretched poisonous memories of her and everything else, he remembers him. It’s fuzzy, but he recalls—though wasn’t he shorter? Softer?

He was still short. Still soft. But so bright. Was he always so bright? Wait—Komaeda picks up a few more pieces—the ones that don’t slice his fingers open and drip with his blood—and he puts them together. Back then, this person had been...

“We were almost friends,” the other says, wistfully and almost mournfully. It’s strange. He almost sounds like he regrets that almost. He shouldn’t. He really, really shouldn’t. “We were in separate classes, Komaeda-kun, but I did see you every now and then. Do you remember? You...” Here he laughs, more like chuckles a bit weakly. “You were the one who cushioned my fall when I tripped on one of the staircases. I was terrified because I thought you were seriously hurt.”

Komaeda slumps a bit and he shoves the other away, stumbling back as his hand shakily goes to the scars his hair hides. The other sees and his frown deepens as he approaches him again. Like he was approaching some scared, wounded animal. And Komaeda, really...

He wants so badly to be held.

“Naegi-kun,” he says—voice blank and empty but with trembling limbs reaching for the shorter, softer other. His voice scratches against his throat, raw and painful, but he can’t stop saying his name, “Naegi-kun.”

Naegi crosses the distance with ease and wraps his arms around him, whispering sweet condolences into his ear while he has to pretend said comfort doesn’t burn him like dabs of alcohol against his wounds.

“You don’t have to worry about that anymore,” Naegi murmurs, and Komaeda freezes when he easily puts together what that is. But Naegi holds him tighter so that his pieces don’t fall apart. “It’s done. You can move forward, just like everyone else.”

Komaeda sighs; nuzzles against him as his hand and wrist press into Naegi’s back. Naegi strokes his hair like it isn’t a knotted filthy mess thick with dust. Contrarily, Naegi smells fresh and clean—and that scent is almost suffocating.

As awkward as it is with their different heights, Komaeda buries his face in Naegi’s shoulder further. For now, the warmth is enough. For now.

--

Naegi leads him back to his room by hand—like a parent guiding their child. Komaeda keeps his head down, though every so often his eyes flicker up just enough to observe the curve of Naegi’s cheek and the shape of his slightly tilted profile. He also thinks he’d like to see Naegi turn to face him completely, and then he wonders how much he’d see if he was closer...

And he winds up so disgusted with himself his head drops back down and stares hard at the ratty shoes on his feet he used to be fond of.

“Komaeda-kun,” Naegi asks him softly as he glares down at himself. Komaeda makes a sound of acknowledgment, but he refuses to look at the other facing him. “We’re almost there.”

He hums in response, and Naegi continues. “I was thinking... I’m going to stay with you a little longer. I’d rather not leave you alone right now, honestly.”

Komaeda’s breath catches, but he only shakily nods instead of making a comment. Naegi must notice—the way his pale trembling hand tightens around his smaller, firmer one. Komaeda doesn’t have to see his face to hear the smile in his voice. “Alright then. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to tell me. And don’t worry—I’m not going to leave you unless that’s what you really need.”

You should though. You need to leave the first chance you get, Naegi-kun. I don’t need...

Komaeda can’t say that though—and the only thing keeping him from sinking is Naegi’s warm grip wrapped around him.

--

The problem isn’t the fuzzy memories of the younger SHSL Lucky Komaeda knew and then a little more... The problem is that Komaeda can’t stop thinking about Hinata.

Komaeda already tries so hard not to think about Hinata as he was in the stimulation. Hinata, who had a smile for him that disappeared as soon as it appeared—and yet he continued to approach him anyway.  Hinata tried so hard to understand even when it was clear he never would. Hinata was nothing special. Hinata was too plain, too average, and ended up far too important.

But wasn’t Naegi like that as well? Plain? Average? Far too important? But, shamefully, the main difference was...

“Komaeda-kun, I got you some water. It’s cold like you wanted.” Naegi opens the door, handing him the chilly open bottle for Komaeda’s trembling hand to take. He smiles brightly, warmly, and Komaeda wonders if the water is magnifying the blush he feels rising on his face. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Y-Yeah. Thank you, Naegi-kun.” He really is grateful, but the revelation comes as no less of a sinking feeling of dread. Naegi’s widening smile only certifies it.

Hinata-kun won’t smile like that for me anymore. But it’s not like I deserve it. Naegi-kun’s just being kind. He’s kind to everyone, no matter how awful or wretched they are. Still...

The gratitude and dread mix with something else and he begins to feel sick. Naegi responds to his thanks with a sweet comment of “it’s no problem”, but... It really is a problem. He feels sick.

He’s not going to say anything about it, though.

--

Naegi sees him and spends a lot of time with him. As much as he can. If Naegi ends up caught in something else, he still sends his wishes to Komaeda through either a letter or Kirigiri who sometimes checks up on him too. Kirigiri is nice when she relays the message but she looks at Komaeda a little too carefully—and he knows her talent far too well.

Though Kirigiri isn’t so bad to talk to—she’s good at relaying information on things Komaeda is shamefully unaware of.

“Your other classmates have been recovering well—so we don’t have to focus so much on them. Hinata-kun’s been making the process easier, too.” Komaeda nods at this, and can’t even remember if he asked for this information. Everything’s been in a blur lately. But Kirigiri continues on informingly—how his classmates have been pulling through, and how even despite the awful memories that Komaeda’s too afraid to touch, they...still manage. Somehow. Though it’s not likely going as well as it sounds.

Not that Komaeda really wants a clarification. But Kirigiri tells him anyway, and he politely listens until...

“Hinata-kun asked about you the other day.”

He freezes, one good hand clenching bone-white in the sheets as he stares down at the wrinkles bleeding through and tries to avoid looking at the bandaged stump of a wrist where his other hand used to be. After a while, he shakily asks, “W-What did he say, Kirigiri-san?”

“He asked if you would be able to leave your room anytime soon. When he should expect you to be discharged.” She reached out, smoothing the tenseness of his fist with her gloved fingers. A gesture Naegi would do. “I told him that if—when that happened, he wouldn’t have to worry. Naegi-kun would still be keeping a close eye on you, as well as the rest of the future foundation.”

Komaeda loosens his grip on the sheets, not even attempting a smile as he responds in a dull voice, “Naegi-kun really troubles himself a lot over me, as does Hinata-kun. I’d prefer it if they didn’t. But at least he won’t have to worry about it after all, right Kirigiri-san?”

“If you mean Hinata-kun, then I’m not sure about that. He still looked unsure, which makes sense. Even as I explained more thoroughly, he looked unsure.” She’s blunt in her explanations—observational and unbiased. Even if the explanation makes him feel uneasy, he appreciates that she’s so concise. “Do you want to know anything else?”

“Not really.” He’s a bit blunt himself. He gets that. “Thank you, Kirigiri-san.”

She gives him a slight smile, but it’s one that has him seize up for a moment. Because he recognizes this expression. He’s never talked to Kyouko Kirigiri before encountering her as SHSL Despair, but he knows almost instinctively that he’s seen this look. Considering who she is, it isn’t hard to figure out where.

“Is something wrong, Komaeda-kun?” The smile is gone, and she looks a little worried. Komaeda immediately shakes his head.

She’s still being kind. The last thing I should do is upset her.

“Don’t worry about it. I just... My mind went blank for a moment. Please don’t worry about it, Kirigiri-san.” He winces when he says her surname like that, and her expression doesn’t change. His heart raced with the very real possibility she saw through him anyway—but then she only nods.

“It seems we’re going to have to keep a better eye on you,” Kirigiri notes, almost sighing. “Though Naegi-kun’s optimistic about you, Komaeda-kun.”

He almost laughs at that, a smile cracking at his dry lips. “I wouldn’t expect anything less from SHSL Hope. I envy him—being able to retain such faith in someone like me...”

Kirigiri doesn’t say anything in response. But she takes the water by his stand and refills it. Then she rummages through the cabinets to find the appropriate medicine to take with it. Komaeda’s smile starts to fade.

“Here,” she offers, and he takes it immediately, swallowing down the pills with large gulps of the clean, cold water.

His stomach churns unpleasantly, but he thanks her politely all the same.

--

He ends up vomiting just as Naegi returns, and Naegi rubs soothing circles into his back and holding back his hair as he heaves over a trashcan. It helps because Naegi immediately shushes any self-deprecation that falls from his lips like further bile.

“We’ll get you something for nausea, Komaeda-kun.” Naegi says kindly, handing him some napkins to wipe his mouth off. Komaeda does so, and Naegi starts tugging him to get to the bathroom so that he can brush his teeth. Or maybe Naegi’s going to do that for him. The thought drags him down.

“You know,” Naegi murmurs as he helps him walk. “It’s alright to lean on me if you need it.”

Komaeda does. Though all it does is help him fall further.

No matter what medication they give him, the sickness never fades either way.

--

Things get worse when his dreamless nights disappear. He ends up dreaming a lot more than he wants—remembering things he really doesn’t want to think too much about.

His death in the stimulation comes up a lot—and it’s bizarre because he’d been resolute in the procedures. He wasn’t scared of dying, not if it was for a purpose. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt—that he didn’t scream through the tape over his mouth. That he didn’t nearly choke through tears the second his lungs were filled with that poison.

That he didn’t have regrets and at the time, couldn’t stop thinking about...

...Hinata showed up in his dreams too. Hinata taking his hand as he pulled him up from the beach. Hinata fretting so much as they walked that he kept bumping shoulders with him. Hinata standing before him, looking torn with wariness and worry, and Komaeda unable to stop thinking that he might really...

Hinata with long black hair and red eyes piercing into him. Red. Red eyes. Red eyes piercing into him—red nails digging into him.

Komaeda halts his thoughts then and there and proceeds to risk overdose on sleeping pills so that he can pass out and fall into the void rather than getting dragged down there.

--

Admittedly that wasn’t the best option.

“Komaeda-kun, if you’re having trouble with sleeping, just say so!” Naegi actually looks angry—frazzled and...worried. Was he scared? It was just a few more days spent hospitalized, thankfully, and while it’s a bit disappointing, Naegi still... “Please. You have to say something when something is wrong.”

He really doesn’t understand and Naegi’s voice gets softer. “I don’t know how much you remember what happened at the academy—but I do. I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t want to see anyone go through that ever again. Especially not you—not again.”

“Naegi-kun...” His voice still sounds dead to his own ears and that just makes it worse. Naegi actually starts to shake as he reaches forward to grip Komaeda’s left wrist. His grasp is careful, wary of the bandages, and Naegi’s gaze just lowers.

“Were you having trouble with nightmares? Did you get scared?” Naegi questions these things quietly, gentle but coaxing. Komaeda feels bogged down with each soft word permeating his mind. “If you need to talk to someone, I’m here. Please. I want to help you—and I want you to want...”

I want you.

Komaeda silences him by placing a hand on his cheek, shushing him carefully, and Naegi looks eager to hear him unwind. To hear him spill everything he needs to—and Komaeda knows he’s only going to disappoint so he apologizes beforehand. “You don’t have to forgive me, Naegi-kun.”

And before Naegi can say anything else, Komaeda presses his mouth to his.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs against Naegi’s slack, surprised lips before pulling away. “I’m really, really sorry.”

Naegi sucks in a breath, fights back the urge to bring his fingers to where he’d been kissed, and only smiles like he always does for Komaeda. It makes his heart hurt even more. “It’s fine. It’ll be alright, Komaeda-kun.”

There’s a tremor that goes through his body at those words. But Naegi’s perfectly willing to let it drop. He doesn’t say anything else and well, Komaeda won’t say anything, either.

Even though, if he remembers correctly, that was the first time he ever kissed someone. And to think, it was something he used to dream about a lot about. Having someone he would kiss—kissing Naegi in particular. Something he once accepted as an event that would never happen.

Disgusting.

--

The day Naegi insists he gets up and walks around to stretch his legs is the one he wants to stay in bed the most. But only because otherwise, he really doesn’t care as long as he doesn’t risk having to perhaps encounter his old classmates. It’s cowardly, of course, but he can’t...

He gives in but refuses to use a crutch so Naegi sticks by just a bit closer. He would have been with him anyway—no one trusts him, after all. It’s fine, as awful as it is, Komaeda likes that Naegi’s there. He’s a good stable point after all. SHSL Hope.

His lips sometimes burn with the memory of the kiss. But that was with Naegi-kun, not SHSL Hope. But Naegi-kun is...

“Careful, Komaeda-kun,” Naegi steadies him as he stumbles, sighing as Komaeda meekly apologizes. “It’s fine. I’m not mad. Just worried.”

Naegi’s always worrying about others he really should be more apprehensive of. Especially when that other is Komaeda. Considering that he still wants, no matter how much he tries to crush that yearning, Naegi really should be more uneasy than he is.

For some reason, it’s hard to say all that. So Komaeda just nods along and they keep on walking through the long, solitary corridor. The light shines in through the windows on the left side of the hall, filtering onto the tiles, and because he needs to stop looking at the ground to not look at Naegi, he glances out of them as they pass.

He stills to a dead stop in his tracks.

The first thing he notices is someone who has to be Owari, swinging her arms out and slamming them against a laughing Nidai. Even though she looked different—thinner because Komaeda remembers that she was the one who—there was no doubt it was her. They were being cheered on by Sonia, Mioda, and Souda as Tsumiki remained safely on standby tucked under the tree covers. Hanamura was given access to the grill, making what were probably lewd comments under To—the Impostor’s careful gaze. Koizumi and Saionji were chattering animatedly, and Kuzuryuu and Pekoyama were close together as well. Tanaka was more separated from them, though he wasn’t alone as he was just giving bits of food to the birds picking at the ground before him. No, not one of them was really alone.

Except. Where is...?

Souda turns to greet the upcoming presence. Long black hair was done in a braid—who did that, Komaeda wondered—and Ibuki is the first to rush up and tackle the other into a hug. He turns around to his other classmates—no, associates—and once Komaeda sees his face, his mind goes completely blank.

With his smile bright and wide and eyes shut as the rest of the group greets him and gathers around him, there’s no doubt for a moment that it’s him. Hinata-kun. He can’t hear what they’re saying or what Hinata’s saying, of course, but with Hinata’s grin on full display, he doesn’t feel like he needs to.

Hinata never was good at starting conversations, but his expressions were enough. Happy beams to let everyone know he was content—alert focus to show he was in deep thought or carefully listening. Uncertain frowns to show his worry. Gritted grimaces to challenge. Komaeda watches the emotions flicker across his face as keenly now as he did then.

That smile, though. It’s not one he’s witnessed often—mostly if not only small, almost sheepish grins accompanying shy gratitude. Ones that Komaeda could easily return back then. Back then. Now, though...

“They look like they’re having fun,” Naegi notes and it almost makes him flinch. Komaeda feels cold sweat run down his cheek as the younger gives him an easy grin that’s just like his—just like Hinata’s—and... “How about we join them?”

Hinata-kun won’t smile like that for me anymore. And it’s not like I don’t deserve it. But...

“Aren’t you going?” Hinata, looking at him warily and yet expectantly, and Komaeda could only smile. He can’t now, even as he says the same thing now as he did then.

“I’m not so unaware of my position that I can just walk out there... If I did that, I’d just ruin the mood.” The words come out easily, and he turns away from both Naegi and Hinata, staring back down at the cold tiled floor. “It’s nice that you think it’s so easy, Naegi-kun.”

“Komaeda-kun, it’s...” And because Komaeda can’t bear to hear him say how fine it is when it’s not—he just snaps.

So it ends up this way, with him pinning Naegi to the wall and desperately trying to connect their mouths together as he tries so hard to ignore the heat from the window beating down on his back.

It ends up wrong. He apologizes profusely when his chapped lips scratch against Naegi’s softer ones. But he pulls the other close when Naegi just gives his sweet, forgiving smile, and their mouths rub almost painfully together with his disgusting continuous indulgence. It’s like he’s starving and this is the only thing that fills his stomach—but the necessity is distorted into greed and at this point, Komaeda doesn’t even care if this overabundance causes his insides to collapse—he just needs.

So it’s more like a drug. A drug. Disgusting. Disgusting.

“Komaeda-kun,” Naegi sighs. Komaeda nips at his lip, teeth gently tugging at them and hands beginning to tremble as he reaches to thread his fingers through soft brown hair. “Komaeda-kun, it’s okay.”

No, it’s not. Komaeda shakes his head before pressing his mouth to his, muting anything else from coming out. Don’t. It’s not.

Naegi responds, pressing back and steadying him with hands on his shoulders. Somehow that undoes him even more—and Komaeda gives a desperate moan.

“It’s alright,” Naegi pushes him away gently when he presses into him harder, the meeting between their lips nearly suffocating even as he greedily tries to take in more. Komaeda’s breathing harshly, drinking gulps of air and trembling like an addict going through withdrawal. It’s disgusting. It must be sickening to look at.

“I-I’m...” His forehead falls into the curve of Naegi’s shoulder. His neck hurts from having to lean, but he can only pull the other closer. “I’m... I’m...”

Naegi holds him in the hallway like he did the first day, the same gentle comfort and loving condolences. He strokes his hair, careful not to get caught on any unsightly knots, and Komaeda’s shaking in his arms like a leaf. It’s too bright—the light from the window, he can’t stand looking at it.

Naegi must somehow notice because he tugs Komaeda back to his room a little later with not much else.

--

He pulls Naegi practically on top of him when he’s back on his bed, connecting their mouths and needing this far more than he needs the image of Hinata’s bright smiling face on someone with long black hair. There are other things too—how this feels like compensation for a time before all that, those memories he does have of Naegi where Hinata isn’t there. This isn’t a surprise because Hinata is not and was never an elite.

He’s nothing special. No talent. And yet.

“Komaeda-kun, enough,” Naegi parts from him, placing his fingers over Komaeda’s quivering lips. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what? What is there to talk about?” Komaeda asks, attempting a smile but it withers on the spot. He wants to run a hand through his hair, but doing so would require relinquishing the grip he has on Naegi’s shirt. He shakes his head at the idea, though it makes Naegi’s frown deepen a bit. “It’s impudent though, isn’t it, that I’m even doing this. It’s audacious, unthinkable, and I don’t know why I...”

“Komaeda-kun, it’s alright.”

“Why do you always say that? As much as I respect you, Naegi-kun, even I know you’ve got that wrong. It’s not alright.” Komaeda laughed, wheezy and awful and it hurt his throat. Naegi doesn’t even look afraid, not like Hinata did. “It’s not alright because I’m still here. I’m still alive. After everything I’ve done, I should be dead by now—I think I ought to be dead.”

Naegi grips his shoulders, and before he can so much open his mouth to form a denial, Komaeda continues so that he can’t. “I know what I’ve done, and...when I remembered after you found me the first time... I managed to put the pieces together. I somehow managed to piece together the full extent of what I’d done. All I ever did was play into her hands. Again. I was used by her—that person I hate more than anything...and I let her dig her nails into me and squeeze.”

She always held him so tight with silk-laced steel in her tone and hands.

And I didn’t even try to fight her—I didn’t even try. I just let her do as she wanted—helped her achieve what she wanted, I just... I just...

At some point, he just stopped struggling. He just let her do...as she wanted...

“Komaeda-kun!” Naegi exclaimed, and Komaeda was only vaguely aware of why. He was curled in on himself—arms wrapped around himself as tremors wracked his body without relent. His breathing quickened, grew heavier, and his face was wet with sweat and what might be tears. Naegi shouted his name again, and he curled in tighter, beginning to hiccup and hyperventilate.

I’m not dead. Yet he’s never felt less alive in his life. He’s choking on air, feeling like an old coat being yanked in different directions with each worn, ugly thread severing, and despite there being pain—his chest hurts, his throat hurts, his joints are starting to hurt—he’s losing more and more of himself with each passing second. Not dead. Not. I’m not dead.

He hears something. Naegi trying to get to him? But it’s dark, he’s not sure, and he doesn’t know—what’s even going on. I’m not dead. But. But... I should be. I really should be. I meant to be. I wanted...wanted...

Then he just stops thinking. It’s too dark.

--

He wakes up exhausted. The IVs are back in his arm. His body feels like lead. More than anything, he wants to fall back asleep. Never wake up again until it was better. If it got better.

But I’m not dead.

Komaeda lifted his head weakly, wiping off his forehead and blearily blinking at his bandaged stump of a wrist as it rested calmly against the sheets. There wasn’t any blood anymore—there used to be so much blood. His head really was starting to hurt. He needed to take something for that.

Oh, and something for his earlier freak-out. That probably worried Naegi. He doesn’t want to do that again: worrying Naegi...

Nae...gi.

Where’s Naegi-kun?

On cue the door opens, and Komaeda turns with an immediate smile. One that immediately falls from his lips as his jaw goes slack and curls fall before his eyes.

“Komaeda,” Hinata wets his lips, hand squeezing the knob of the door before he ultimately lets himself in, closing it with his back. “I...was told that you...”

This isn’t a joke, is it? I know you’re cruel, Luck, but this is...pushing it. I don’t like it. I’m not happy with this—this is surely bad luck and that’s not fair... But Komaeda forced a smile again, and his giggle sounded painful even to his ears. “Good morning, Kamukura-kun.”

Hinata stilled, and Komaeda saw anger flicker across his features—no, more like a kind of fury—but then Hinata steeled himself, yanking his hand through the long black locks and muttering, almost inaudibly to himself...something. Komaeda couldn’t make it out, not really. Just as he was about to comment on it though, Hinata cut him off with a snarl of his surname.

“Komaeda, just what the hell...” Hinata glared, head lowered and gaze almost glowing beneath his brow. A warning sign—one that would have been frightening considering the face. Hinata’s never made it before and, in all honesty, the actual Kamukura’s expression was threatening in a sense, sure, but more a perpetual state than anything else. Not to mention back then, Komaeda outright laughed at that face. Somehow he manages to laugh again here and it makes Hinata nearly tremble. But he doesn’t say anything, so Komaeda starts.

“You can here for something.” Even with a smile on his face, his voice sounds cold. He feels cold, too, and Hinata even froze with those crimson eyes going wide. He looked more like Hinata with that face. Komaeda’s tone grew icier. “What, exactly, was it that you wanted?”

“I...” He hesitates long enough.

“If you don’t know, then you should leave. Come back when you do, you know?” Komaeda nearly rose his arm to gesture, but stopped dead when he realized it was the wrong one. So he gives up on that and thankfully doesn’t stumble on his next words. “I’ll be here when you do. Perhaps.”

Hinata snaps out of his surprise and glowers again, and he almost reminds Komaeda of a cat in the way he puffs out with ire. It’s actually cute. Komaeda giggles into his hand and that irritates him further because of course, it would.

“I-I...” It’s strange Hinata hasn’t left yet. He usually would have at this point. Instead, it’s like his feet are still rooted to the floor, which is extra strange because Komaeda really would prefer it if he just stormed out like he always does when his tolerance for Komaeda runs low.

Perhaps he wants answers. He didn’t ask for them last time and now is the perfect opportunity. I’ll give them to him, too, if he just asks. Maybe if I make that clear, he’ll...

“Hinata-kun, if you want...”

“I was worried about you.”

Komaeda stills, expression blank with confusion. Hinata seemed to blurt that out without thinking. And before Komaeda could brush it off with an easy ‘no worries’, it was like Hinata snapped in that moment he was taken off-guard by the statement.

Because, abruptly after saying that, Hinata was shouting. “I was worried! I thought something happened when I heard about you blacking out after a panic attack and I—I got fucking scared alright?! You were out of it for days. I didn’t know if you were going to wake up! I was worried sick about you, Komaeda, and considering the shit you pulled, I really shouldn’t have been!”

Hinata spews it all in one breath and at the end of his rant, he’s panting, breathing heavily, and Komaeda can only stare at him blankly. A little bit later and Hinata chokes out an aggravated sound, covering his face with the action. He shakes a bit again, like despite allowing his outburst, that heavy weight on his shoulders remained, and if Komaeda had been in the right frame of mind, he’d be disappointed. Or would that have been wrong?

Though he does agree that, “You...really shouldn’t have been, Hinata-kun.”

“So you did know,” Hinata darkly laughs behind his hand. He really does sound tired and sick of this. It’s not an unfamiliar reaction to Komaeda—he’s seen it before in countless other people but... “You’re such a piece of work.”

Komaeda can no longer look at him. Instead he’s looked at his bandaged wrist again, lying without worry on the sheets over his lap. There’s nothing to hide anymore, he thinks. He also thinks he really needs to have these bandages replaced. “I’m...fine now, Hinata-kun. Thank you for worrying about me.”

It’s just the polite thing to say. He isn’t sure if he means it or not—not that it matters, because Hinata can’t read him anyway. He even has that much more familiar look of frustration on his face at Komaeda’s platitudes. Nothing’s really changed.

“I really don’t get you.”

But at least...

“You try,” Komaeda manages a smile, and he actually feels it’s a bit more genuine this time. “That’s more than I can ask for.”

“Just like with Naegi-kun, right?” Enoshima sing-songs. “You’re still so desperate for affection, Komaeda-kun.”

...wait.

Enoshima giggles brightly from where she was laying her head upon on his bed as Komaeda turns slowly to look at her. She smiled up at him, continuing cheerily. “Some things never change. In fact, isn’t this situation exactly the same?”

It was the same. Exactly the same.

“First Naegi-kun...” Naegi, who was nice to everyone no matter how wretched they were. Naegi still smiled for him even now.

“Now Hinata-kun...” Hinata was smiling so brightly with everyone else earlier. He’ll never smile for him like that though, never.

Enoshima’s smile widened, her index finger tracing shapes into his thigh. “Even though you went through the trouble of opening up to another person, the result is still the same. Isn’t that a shame?”

It wasn’t just random shapes actually. She was tracing letters. She was spelling it out.

“But now you have two people so I guess it isn’t all bad. Naegi-kun’s finally letting you do what you want, Hinata-kun’s even running after you... You could have it all right about now. So I guess it’s not so bad...”

She reaches for his hand—a hand that not only mirrors her own but is her own—and their fingers entwine impeccably. Enoshima held it tight, painted pink lips pulling into her brightest, loveliest beam. “But we know how this ends, don’t we Komaeda-kun? Don’t worry though, when you’re lost again after those two both end up leaving you, I’ll be there. I’ll even hold you, if you want—I’m not going to leave you, Komaeda-kun...”

It’s certain—that’s right. I trust my luck, but... “You lost.”

She lost. She’s gone—she’s dead and she’s never coming back. This is wrong—she’s wrong. I’m not dead—this is wrong. I’m not dead, I’m not... I...

I want...

“Komaeda?!”

Komaeda’s eyes shot open, and Hinata’s face was...close. Over him. Looking stricken and then relieved when he blinked several times in confusion. Held. He...was being held? Hinata’s arms are tight and warm around him, he can hear his heartbeat, and why was he on the floor in this embrace when he should be in his bed?

“Komaeda,” Hinata says, voice hushed before he lets out a heavy sigh. “You lied.”

But she lost. I’m not dead. I want...

“You’re not fine now. You said you were—you aren’t.” He’s all matter-of-fact and weirdly upset about it. But he’s still holding onto Komaeda tight like he’s worried letting him go will allow him to slip away. As if Komaeda has some other place to be other than locked up in a hospital room with only Naegi as his sole...contact.

Hinata-kun’s here though? Yes, Hinata was here holding him. Naegi. Where was Naegi?

“I... Hinata-kun?” His expression changes, from that weird upset to pity, and Komaeda’s handled more carefully than glass as he’s lifted up—almost effortlessly on Hinata’s end, when was he this strong? Surely not Kamukura—and Hinata lays him back on the bed, only flickering his uneasy glance to the unhooked tubes fluttering by the machines once before looking away in distress.  “Hinata-kun, where is Naegi-kun?”

Hinata’s gaze snaps back to him, wide-eyed surprise before hardening into something cooler. “I’ll tell you if you give me some answers first.”

Ah...huh? “Hinata-kun, you could have just asked...”

“They have to be good answers too!” What constituted as a good answer? But Hinata explained that. “I mean, I have to actually understand what you’re trying to say rather than you getting all wishy-washy like you always do...”

The frown on Komaeda’s face might have softened him a bit—making that sternness on his face fade, because Hinata adds in a much quieter voice, “Just answer me as directly as you can, please? I want to understand.”

Komaeda does nod, and the other takes a deep, deep breath.

 “Did you really want me dead?” Hinata asks, still all quiet. “Did you want us all dead? Did you really want everyone including yourself dead so badly?”

It’s strange. Strange. “I...did. I wanted...”

To eradicate despair. To spare the world from more suffering. To end it. If I could. If it was in my cards. Everything I did played into that girl’s hands.

“Got’cha,” Hinata sounds both like he expected the answer yet it still managed to disappoint him. How boring. Komaeda cracked a weak smile despite himself. “Well, you didn’t get what you wanted.”

“Not entirely true. After all,” He turned that weak smile to Hinata, managing to make it a bit wider. “That girl isn’t here, is she? She’s gone. And she’s not coming back. I don’t even have her hand anymore. Of course—I didn’t get to kill her either. I didn’t even get to see her again.”

That’s right, that’s right, that’s...

“That’s for the best.” Hinata sounded sure about that. Truly...strange. “Meeting her was an unpleasant experience. You wouldn’t have liked it anyway.”

Komaeda laughed, and oddly...Hinata didn’t look scared. He still had that look of stern certainty and...strange. Strange. Was this really Hinata? This face... Komaeda isn’t even fully sure he knows or recognizes it. “Well, it’s a shame. But that’s that. It’s not like it wasn’t a possibility I’d die first.”

“You didn’t die.”

“I didn’t, did I? I failed on that account too.” Everything I did played into that girl’s hands. But she’s not here anymore. She’s not. “I...I want to see Naegi-kun.”

“Not yet.” Hinata has the decency to look somewhat ashamed, but his expression quickly hardens. “There’s another thing I wanted to ask. Nanami. Are you aware of what happened to Nanami?”

“That was after I died, how am I supposed to know?” Komaeda whined. “Obviously, I’m aware she wasn’t actually there, but that’s it.”

“That’s it?” For whatever reason, Hinata quirked an eyebrow.

“That’s...” He swallows and nods so hard that it hurts. “That’s it.”

She wasn’t real. My efforts were utterly pointless after all. All I did was play into her hands. Are you asking me about Nanami Chiaki to make fun of me?

No—Hinata wouldn’t do that.

He must have just really cared about her.

Ha.

Haha.

Hahaha.

“I want to see Naegi-kun.” It’s funny, how he’s trying to smile and the efforts leave him shaking. “I want to see him, I want to see him, I want to see him.”

Hinata stares back at him. If his desperate face is being reflected back at him in those crimson pools—he doesn’t want to see it, so his eyes squeeze shut.

“I answered your questions,” he whispered, pitiful and childish. “Or is there something else? I would call you impudent, but given the circumstances... It’s just what I deserve, right?”

He hears Hinata’s intake of breath. He doesn’t want to think about what expression Hinata might be wearing.

“It’s not about that.”

“Why not?” He must come across as such a child. Such a stupid child. “Don’t you hate me, Hinata-kun? Surely you must. Not only did I try to get you all killed, but I was also just... I was horrible. From start to finish. I spoke of hope but I must have brought such despair. Not just to you, but to everyone, to...”

To Naegi-kun, too. I don’t have the right to be alive. Not when so many others aren’t.

Hinata just sighs. Like this outburst is nothing more than a dull annoyance. It’s enough of an insult that Komaeda opens his eyes, realizing then that his vision has gone blurry with tears. It even stings and wiping his eyes with his ruined arm surprisingly doesn’t do much.

“You weren’t horrible at first. You helped me out a lot,” Hinata mutters. He’s almost awkward about it, but shamefully, the tears won’t stop coming so Komaeda can’t look at him properly. Despite that... Despite this shameless, despicable display... Hinata places a hand on his shoulder. It’s warm to the point of searing. “I don’t hate you. Not anymore, anyway.” His hand pulls away, and Komaeda can’t catch it. “I’ll...go get Naegi.”

And because he can’t fathom having the gall to ask the other to stay, he lets his left arm fall. But... But, but, but...

“Thank you.” The blur that is and isn’t Hinata-kun pauses at the doorway. “For not...hating me. I really am sorry about everything, Hinata-kun. I’ll... I’ll try not to get in your way anymore.”

Maybe, Hinata turns to face him. Maybe he doesn’t. Komaeda can’t tell, not when he’s forcing a smile as the tears keep on running.

“P... Please take care.”

It’s funny. Hinata almost sounds choked up. That must be a mistake. It couldn’t possibly be. Couldn’t.

Let’s not think about it anymore.

--

Naegi brings with him a box of tissues. Kind, considerate Naegi. How wonderful he is—how wonderful he has always been.

If only I fell in love with you properly, Komaeda can’t help but think. He blows his nose, and there are flecks of blood in the tissue. They’re as red as Hinata’s eyes now. Before all this... I wish I had fallen for you properly, Naegi-kun.

“You’re so nice,” he can’t help but mourn. “I wonder if that’s because you’re SHSL Hope.”

“Oh, no,” Naegi laughs so easily. “I’m still as normal as I’ve always been.”

Turning her away when the rest of the world fell to her heels isn’t normal.

“Naegi-kun...” He dabs at his eyes before crumbling up the tissue in his hand. “To someone like me, you’re a superhero.”

“I’m just a guy, I swear.” He believed Naegi meant that. So, what was he supposed to think? “Komaeda-kun, I...” What was he supposed to think when Naegi looked uncomfortable, not just uncomfortable but unsure. “I want to help you not just because we were schoolmates, once, but because it’s just the right thing to do.”

What was he supposed to say to that?

Perhaps... Naegi-kun is exceptionally foolish. But...

“You wouldn’t be yourself if you abandoned anyone,” he murmured, a sardonic smile pulling at his lips. “I hate that. I hate that so much. It actually makes me feel even lower than trash.”

“S-Sorry!” Naegi really does look so apologetic. “I didn’t want to make you feel bad!”

“Of course not,” Komaeda sighed, and because Naegi was so close, because Naegi was hovering, Komaeda had the opportunity to kiss his cheek. And he took it. Inelegant and quick, a soft smack of his lips when the pressed against Naegi’s soft, round cheek. “Actually, you make me feel so good that I feel even worse. There’s no winning with someone like me. I’m just the worst, huh?”

He keeps talking, but Naegi is flushed so brilliantly. It’s funny.

He does look normal like this.

“I’m the worst,” he reiterates, and he wants to cry again but he can’t stop himself, “I like you—a lot. I love you, even.”

It’s normal to be afraid of rejection, he thinks, heart pounding so painfully. It’s normal, normal, normal, that’s why I can’t...

He can’t take it. Not here. Not like this.

Not when Naegi is smiling at him like that.

“Komaeda-kun... I...”

Not when Naegi speaks so softly, so gently, so sweetly—and takes Komaeda’s hand, squeezing. Just like how Hinata had squeezed his shoulder before.

No, exactly like that.

Just like that, he can’t bear to think about it anymore.

[anerdinallherglory]

Approaching Sun (27)

Author’s Note: I am SO sorry about how long this chapter took to update. Taking on master’s classes on top of work has been a rough transition. The majority of this chapter had been planned and typed a long time ago, but it just took me ages to organize it, detail it, clean it up, and fluff it with a fork. For those of you who have contacted recently, (and I probably have yet to respond) this chapter is for you. Without your encouragement, who knows how much longer this chapter would have taken.

Forgive me. Hope you enjoy.

Pairing: SasuSaku

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26

Chapter 27: Confirmation

Sakura had fully intended on eavesdropping on Sasuke’s conversation with Satou; in fact, it was the only reason that Sakura had allowed the interaction to transpire between her patient and her teammate. After Sasuke had closed the door firmly behind her, Sakura had walked heavily down the hallway so her footsteps could be heard. Her next step was to take the stairs, walk silently up two floors, and listen in by opening the window directly above Satou’s. Sakura had noted that Satou’s patient room window had been cracked open. Surely her ninja skills would be well-adapted to a simple eavesdropping.

But that’s not what happened. Instead, as Sakura walked down the hall, she noted that her breathing was becoming short. Her chest was tightening considerably, a feeling that she dismissed at first to anxiety at the current situation. When she paused to consider it, Sakura tried to swallow past her itchy throat. A terrifying realization came over Sakura has she glanced down at her hands that held the freshly pulverized Ashuwa.

Shit.         

Sakura covered the mortar, sprinted down the remainder of the hallway, and took a right. She held tightly to the Ashuwa despite the situation; she couldn’t afford to sacrifice what they had acquired in her state of panic. Sakura tried her best to remember the hospital’s layout; there was a drug storage room on every level, so thankfully Sakura wouldn’t have to take stairs in her compromised situation. Turning another corner, Sakura was relieved to finally stumble up to the door marked “薬” for medication. Placing the mortar of Ashuwa on the ground, Sakura managed to focus through her shortness of breath and perform the sign of the ram to channel her chakra to her palm. Placing it on the center of the door, Sakura nearly stumbled as the door received her chakra signature and swung open to grant her access to the room.

Sakura’s vision began to blur as she shuffled through the drawers and cabinets. She could barely read the itemized labels of the stored items. Don’t panic. Don’t panic. She felt lethargic and her throat was swelling quickly. She should have taken Mako’s warning more seriously. He had told her of the drug’s disuse in the medical environment due to many allergic reactions to it. This was what she had been testing earlier when she picked a generous pinch of Ashu from the ground and placing it in her mouth; however, her and Mako both had gotten distracted by the issue of Satou.

Sakura cursed at herself for being careless but felt confident in her approach. If only she could find the medicine. She narrowed her focus to the vials on the top shelf and coughed violently as she reached for one. Stumbling into the shelf resulted in several of them busting onto the ground. After locating the blue tagged bottle labeled “adrenaline,” Sakura threw open cabinet after cabinet until she found the drawer of packaged syringes. She was choking now, a fish out of water and she aimed the needle into the top of the bottle; her hands shook as she waisted even more time trying to draw the medicine into the plunger.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sasuke was trying to outwalk Mako, who was smiling kindly and attempting to make small talk as they quickly made their way down the hall from Satou’s room. Sasuke thought if he could just stride quickly enough, Mako might take the hint and part ways with him.

Sasuke frowned at Mako’s prattling of, “I have to admit. I was concerned with the whole genjutsu approach, but I think that it might be pretty effective. That was brilliant!”

Sasuke stopped his break-neck pace and narrowed his eyes at the medic, scrutinizing him carefully. “What do you want?”

“What do you mean?” asked Mako innocently, crossing his arms behind him.

Sasuke debated Mako for a second. Here was a skilled shinobi of medicine, an assistant to his friend, and Sakura addressed him casually. This trip was the first occasion that Sasuke had ever met him, yet Mako recognized Sasuke’s attempt at genjutsu before he had even performed it. Perhaps he was knowledgeable of the sharingan; many people were. It was Sasuke’s past of constantly being targeted that had the Uchiha wary. Was this the reason Sasuke was inclined to distrust him, or was it the fact that Sakura was involved?

Sasuke clarified. “I want to know who you are and what you want.”

Mako laughed and smiled nicely. “Well, I am a medic ninja here at the Suna hospital. I have been appointed to assist Sakura-san during her stay with us. Kankuro was pretty adamant about it.”

“Hn.” Sasuke responded before walking forward again. Mako sped to catch up.

“Honestly,” he continued, “Sunagakure owes a lot to Sakura-san. You have probably heard this before, but we have advanced due to her and the Leaf’s medical supervision and instruction. We are something in her debt.”

Sasuke didn’t respond. Perhaps that was all there was to it. Sasuke supposed it made sense that Gaara and Kankuro would assign the most ambitious learner and fellow medicinal expert as Sakura’s assistant. Sunagakure wanted to take advantage of every lesson and tip available. Sakura’s discipline and dedication to the medical practice made her share a common interest with the professionals here. Not everyone always had some double meaning to their actions like most ninja in the shinobi world.

As Sasuke and Mako rounded the corner to the left, they paused as several people ran past them in the opposite direction, back toward the center of the third floor. One man who bumped into Mako’s shoulder turned to look at him in recognition, jogging backwards. “Code 10. Haruno-san.”

“Shit!” Mako cursed, chasing after the man who spoke. Sasuke didn’t know what “Code 10” meant, but to see a panicked response in connection to the name “Haruno” had Sasuke quickly following.

“What is it?” he demanded, matching Mako’s stride this time.  

“Anaphylaxis” Mako said breathlessly as they rounded the final corner and nearly collided with several attendants outside a small room in the hallway. Someone was kneeling just outside the door and Sasuke couldn’t make out the questions they were asking before until he began to make his way through with Mako right on his heels.

When he came in line with the entrance, Sasuke froze. Sakura was on her back, broken glass surrounding her on a messy floor. A medic was kneeling down beside her and removing a syringe from her hand. “We need to get her into one of the rooms. Now.” Sasuke’s heart was racing as someone wheeled a gurney past him. Mako began pulling him away from the entrance to which Sasuke almost shrugged off.

Sakura’s pink head was closest to the door so Sasuke couldn’t get a good look at her face until they began lifting her onto the gurney and wheeled her past him. To Sasuke’s great relief, his medic friend was fully alert despite the hives across her face and swelling lips. When making eye contact with him, she raised her hand and waved awkwardly.

“Hey.” She said past swollen lips.

“Hey?!” Sasuke responded, irritation quickly replacing his concern. Was she serious?! Mako let out a surprised laugh at her casual greeting. Sasuke ignored him completely and began tailing the gurney as it rolled away with her.

“What the hell happened?” he asked her with pointed annoyance. After failing to mumble past her tomato mouth, Sasuke shook his head. “Nevermind.”

“I’ll explain,” Mako said from the other side of the swiveling table. Sasuke spent the next several minutes listening to Mako explain a basic understanding of anaphylaxis and staring disbelievingly at Sakura as they unloaded her onto a bed. They began to hook her up to an IV and other machinery that would monitor her pulse and blood pressure.

Mako continued his explanation, “Antihistamines are what comes next. Luckily, she responded to the epinephrine and doesn’t need intubation. We’ll have to monitor her for a few hours just to make sure she doesn’t have another episode.”

Sakura was nodding her blistered head in agreement at everything he said. Sasuke just glared at her.

“Why did you eat a plant you knew was toxic?” he asked crossly. She shrugged her shoulders, the only response she could really make at the moment.

“I should have stopped you, Haruno-san.” Mako bowed. “It is all my fault.”

Sakura began shaking her head to dismiss Mako’s apology. Then she began to gesture for Sasuke to come over to her bedside. When he was close enough, Sakura pointed toward his hand.

“What?” he asked, looking down at it. My hand? What about it? He sure wasn’t going to hold her hand if that was what she was implying. Especially not in front of anyone.

A word made it past her lips but Sasuke didn’t understand it. “Hn?”

“Rath,” she repeated, still pointing. “Da ya hath a rath?”

“Oh,” Mako exclaimed. “You were handling the Ashuwa earlier, Sasuke. Do you have a rash on your hand?”

Ah. Sasuke’s hand was partially gloved except for his fingertips, which were unmarred. It had been approximately 30-45 minutes since Sasuke had even touched the plant. Sakura had sampled the herb 10 minutes before that, so it was too early to tell if Sasuke would have a similar reaction. He didn’t have a rash on his fingertips though.

Another physician handed Mako a familiar mortar and removed his disposable gloves after touching it. Mako immediately pinched a piece out of it and offered it to the Uchiha.

Sasuke responded with a glare as Mako continued to hold it out.  “You’re not suggesting I eat that?”

“We need to make sure that you don’t develop a similar reaction, especially if you plan on using the chakra pills that Sakura is making.”

Sakura was mutely nodding in agreement and Sasuke annoyingly spat out toward her, “Why? You want me to end up looking like you?” Her nodding turned to shaking.

She followed with, “He’th ight. Eat wow you ah here.”  Sasuke scoffed and blinked in disbelief at her communication efforts. How was she even talking?!

This was an absolute lunatic idea. She wanted the BOTH of them in hospital beds in this village while Gaara was away handling potential psychos that were after them? It was already a concern that she was incapacitated; Sasuke sure as hell wasn’t going into anaphylaxis too by choice.

“I’ll wait until you’re better,” he answered, shooing Mako’s hand away from his face. As he did so, Sasuke pointed at the door, ordering Mako to just go and check on Satou’s kid. Mako blinked at him in confusion before taking the hint and exiting with that same excuse.

When the silence grew thick between them, Sasuke took a casual stance against the wall next to Sakura’s bedside.

“Ya are wathing time,” Sakura began, looking guilty despite her swollen mouth as she tucked her hands beneath the covers and looked around at nonexistent people in the room; anywhere but at him. She was right. He was wasting time, and Sasuke mentally shook himself as he realized his indifference to that. He was trying to remind himself of his goal but in that moment, Sasuke’s feelings were outweighing that purpose.

He turned his back and peered out the small window at the darkening sky. He glanced back at her briefly before turning back to the window. “Are you okay?”

There wasn’t a reply which had the Uchiha worried and he turned to see her wide-eyed expression at his question. The face Sakura was making looked as if Sasuke had grown two heads. “I mean,” he added quickly, “with a mouth like that, it looks difficult to breath.”

She immediately covered her mouth and frowned at him, obviously embarrassed at his words. “I ah fine!” she shouted in embarrassment into her fingers and turned her head. Sasuke resisted the urge to smirk.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

After the administration of the antihistamine, Sakura didn’t wait long before she began removing her own IV. She felt bad for the time that had been wasted today when she was supposed to be making the food pills. Sakura was just relieved that the Ashu had been tested before she gave Sasuke a drug that could potentially kill him.  

“What are you doing?” Sasuke asked as she removed the monitor and turned off the flatlining machine before anyone came in at the sound. “They said it would be best to stay the night.”

“I’m ah do-ter” she told him. Yes, Sakura would have advised the same thing to her patients, but she was out of danger now and she felt anxious despite her drowsiness. She was troubling Sasuke enough by accompanying him on his mission. She didn’t want to get in his way; she was supposed to be making things easier.

Sasuke scoffed at her dismissive, mumbled declaration as she stood from the bed. She blinked heavily and managed to stand upright. It would still take a little bit of time for her to completely pass out from the side effects, so Sakura figured the time she had left awake could be spent productively.

The medic immediately went over to the cabinets and pulled out disposable gloves and a mask from the drawer. The mask would serve two purposes: 1) protect her from inhaling the Ashuwa as she worked and 2) hide her ridiculous “tomato” mouth as Sasuke referred to it. Ugh. Sakura could die from embarrassment.

“What are you doing now?” Sasuke grumbled irritably, following her as she moved. She immediately headed over to the mortar on the cabinet and pinched some of the yellow herb, skin protected from the substance thanks to the gloves.

“Eat.” She stated plainly. They couldn’t proceed further if Sasuke was likely to have a similar allergic reaction. Sakura would have to scrap their entire progress by disposing of the food pill batch. She would be back to square one and they would have to start all over by finding a new foundational herb with the correct properties to achieve the correct results.

“Forget it,” the Uchiha deadpanned before making to head for the door. Sakura caught hold of his hand, stumbling in the process and taking a hard fall on her knee. She winced visibly. That would bruise later. Sasuke immediately turned and helped her up and Sakura thanked her mask for hiding her blushing cheeks as well.

With the same hand Sasuke had offered, Sakura turned his palm up and placed the Ashuwa in his cupped fingers. “No time.”

Sasuke glared at her for what seemed like several minutes before reluctantly dumping it down his throat. They both knew he had to for his own sake.

Sakura nodded before trashing her gloves and retrieving a new pair. She couldn’t risk leaving traces around the hospital and anyone else coming into contact with the pollen if it was responsible for anaphylaxis. Mako had said that it was such a common reaction that they had stopped using it altogether.

Sakura halted in her steps, considered her plan, and decided to grab the entire box of disposable gloves. She handed Sasuke the mortar.

Sasuke gave her an expression that radiated annoyance but somehow was miraculously completely blank. If she could speak clearly in this moment, Sakura would have asked him how he managed that.

“Fowwo” she murmured through her mask-covered lips, pairing the word with a beckoning wave. “We’ll tesh your weaction why we wait.” She was shuffling out the door before Sasuke had the chance to say anything more.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sasuke trailed his teammate from the room, carrying the mortar of Ashuwa he had ground up earlier that day. This was one of the few times in his life that Sasuke somewhat regretted his decision to refuse the artificial limb that Tsunade had made for he and Naruto. Sakura was walking with one arm against the wall for support and Sasuke’s one and only hand was currently occupied.

It was well after dark now and many of the staff members were busy attending overnight patients, so they weren’t stopped by anyone as Sakura found her way back to the medicine room, which was now cleaned of broken glass and everything back in its space. She reached up and grabbed several bottles of adrenaline and then dug through the drawer for syringes.

“Sakura,” Sasuke began as she dropped some of the things she was holding onto the floor. “You need rest. We can finish this later.”

“We hafe to wait for weaction anyway. Might as well make the pills.”

“I feel fine.” Sasuke reassured her. It was true. Time had passed enough for his fingertips to develop a rash if there was going to be a topical reaction. He had yet to show signs from consumption.

Sakura strode past him again, this time walking backwards to face him. He could make out a smile beneath her mask which somewhat irked the Uchiha. She seemed awfully cheery despite nearly dying from anaphylaxis. Sasuke concluded that it had to be the medicine making her drowsy.

“Turn around before you fall,” he grumbled. She laughed as she began to walk slowly up the stairs. He hurried up behind her and offered her his elbow which she took thankfully despite his huffed “So annoying.” Her laugh was her only response.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sakura was practically nodding off as she watched Sasuke mix and prepare the batch of ingredients for the food pills. She felt relieved at finally seeing headway as Sasuke rolled the batter into 1-inch circular doses according to her instructions and placed them in the hospital’s oven.  Sakura had tried to do so herself, but Sasuke had insisted she sit down to avoid screwing them up and risking their progress. Sakura allowed him to take the reins, praying desperately that the food pills would turn out and serve their purpose after such a hassle.

“Sasuke,” she whispered, immediately touching her lips behind the mask as she noticed the decrease in swelling. The ice Sakura had retrieved from icebox was doing its job.

“Hm?” he answered, trashing the latex glove he used to protect his skin and replacing his own. He turned to her then in the dim light, but Sakura couldn’t make out his expression because the only light in the room was a lamp over the counter workspace behind him. There was a shadow concealing his features and Sakura was too tired to try to make them out.

A lot easier now that her lips were shrinking, Sakura asked, “How are you? Any shortness of breath?”

“I’m fine,” he stated simply.

“Good,” she replied, thanking that ridiculous Uchiha blood of his for not reacting to the Ashuwa like her’s had. How ironic, Sakura thought, that even Sasuke’s genetics seemed to be working for him even in this circumstance. How superior he must feel.

Reclined across the small seating bench in the corner, Sakura placed her chin on her chest and inhaled the gentle night breeze that was coming from the opened window. It seemed to be the first night that the sand wasn’t trying to shatter the glass; to be honest, Sakura was surprised that the hospital windows even opened. Perhaps they were high enough on the fourth story to avoid the sand barrage.

Sasuke came to stand before her and Sakura blinked sleepily up at him in an antihistamine induced haze.

“Sleep,” the Uchiha before her ordered. “I’ll wake you when they’re done.”

Sakura wanted to argue that she could manage to stay awake for another 20 minutes while the chakra pills roasted, but she wasn’t that confident in her ability to do so. At most, she could manage maybe 5 more minutes if she concentrated hard enough. She wanted to ask Sasuke about the conversation he had with Satou.

“Sit with me,” she said, but it sounded more like a question. There was a minute of silence as Sasuke observed her. The bench wasn’t roomy, but Sakura was too drowsy to be apprehensive about their proximity. Sasuke must have not been either, because he sat and exhaled when he did so. Perhaps he was tired too.

. . . . . . . . . . . 

Sasuke tried not to lean away from her as she settled into his side. He cursed her medicated self for such confidence in a small, darkened space. He counted down the time in his head; he would only have to stay seated here for 17 more minutes. For some reason, that time seemed both entirely too long and entirely too short.

“Satou,” Sakura began, reaching up to take off the medical mask on her face. Sasuke tried not to smirk at the lips that were still puckered despite having minimized in size. He blinked past the image to focus on her words.

“Hn,” he responded sourly, thinking of the man whose name had just been dropped between them like a heavy, unwanted stone. Sasuke didn’t particularly feel like talking about that man. He had, had enough of Satou for one day.

“How did it go?” his teammate probed politely despite being nosey.

“Fine,” he replied shortly, not wanting Sakura to find out about too many details. How would she react if she knew he had used his Sharingan on him? Probably not well. Sakura would continue to dig for more specifics if Sasuke didn’t bring an end to the topic promptly. “His son needs to be sent to Konoha.”

Sakura nodded, not seeming too surprised at Sasuke assessment. Perhaps she had been thinking similarly. “Thank you for talking to him.”

It wasn’t much of a talk, but Sasuke wasn’t going to tell her that, so he just responded again with a finalizing “Hn.”

Sasuke couldn’t help but jump when Sakura’s fingers touched his right hand. “Sasuke,” she began, almost in sleepy inquiry as she brushed his palm with her thumb and index. There was hopefulness in her voice and Sasuke cursed her medication again for her damn self-assurance.

“I..” she began, but Sasuke cut her off before she continued. Sasuke was almost absolutely certain that he knew which words would come next.

“Shh,” he replied, leaning comfortably into her side as his answer to her unspoken confession. “Just sleep.”

After a few breaths, and when Sakura’s head nodded onto his shoulder, Sasuke scooped up her hand into his, finding the courage to splay her fingers with his own and fasten them into place. Even when he would let her go in 15 minutes, Sasuke would lock the moment into his heart to last him the rest of his life.  

. . . . . . . . . . . .

When he counted down to the last second in his mind, Sasuke counted a few extra seconds. And then a few more. He thought about letting the doses of chakra pills burn to a crisp in the oven, but he decided against it, reluctantly releasing Sakura’s hand and pulling away from her heavy head.

Making sure that Sakura wouldn’t wake, Sasuke silently rose, turned off the oven and retrieved the pills from inside. He placed them on the counter quietly and turned to lean against the counter. He watched Sakura’s sleeping form for a few minutes, considering if he should wake her as he promised or let her sleep longer. What was the possibility of sitting beside her and stealing a few moments more?

Sasuke knew he was playing a dangerous game. Tomorrow, the Uchiha would test the chakra pill nearby and he and Sakura both were aware of what would happen after that. With the issue of his chakra reserves addressed, he would return to the desert to attempt cross-connecting dimensions again. They both realized Sasuke couldn’t waste any more time.

And with that thought, Sasuke’s stern resolve slipped. He would distance himself later, he thought. He would put the space back between them tomorrow. Tonight, Sasuke wanted to be next to Sakura.

He sat back down beside her and softly took up her hand again.  Just for a little while longer.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Sakura woke in the middle of the night from the pain in her arched neck. She blinked past sleep and realized that she was folded into Sasuke’s side with her knees tucked and Sasuke’s head leaning against hers. Not only that, but Sakura froze as she realized her hand was entwined with Sasuke’s between them. The moment was fragile, and Sakura almost cried of joy and then heartbreak as it shattered when Sasuke responded to her shifting.

The weight of his head on hers lifted and Sakura tried not to grab desperately at him to keep him from moving. Instead, Sakura pivoted her eyes to his as his sleep faded and realization appeared on his face.

Sasuke released her hand and stood hurriedly, saying nothing despite how Sakura’s heart wanted answers. She wanted to know if this moment was genuine or if she had been the one to hold onto him in her sleep. Sakura wanted to believe desperately that Sasuke had allowed himself to be transparent for just a moment and had secretly revealed his true feelings for her by holding her as she slept. Had that been the case? Was she being too optimistic? This wouldn’t be the first time their hands had touched. Had he been supporting her as a friend, or did he feel something more? She had to know.

“Sasuke,” she began, but he cut her off for the second time that night.

“Good. You’re awake. Let’s go.” He declared, hastily placing the finished chakra pills in an open travel container on the counter.  

Sakura stood then, heart racing and adrenaline pumping as she worked up the courage to come up behind him as he worked. She wasn’t going to confess this time. She was going to ask Sasuke if he had been confessing to her while she slept?

“Do you… love me?”

Sakura was almost certain that he stopped breathing altogether as he paused his task. The Uchiha took a minute to compose himself before exhaling. “When are you going to stop that?”

The statement was meant to be cold, but the fact that it came out so desperately low gave Sakura a rare feeling of hope despite the words. “When are you?” she responded calmly in a whisper.

“What?” he asked incredulously, finally turning to her.

She gradually took the last few steps between them and stood carefully in front of him. “When are you going to stop pretending that you have no feelings for me?”

Sakura expected a scoff, a ridicule, but what she got in return was painful fear in Sasuke’s usually expression-less eyes.

It was true, she realized. Sasuke did have feelings for her. There had been so many signs, but Sakura had been unsure about all of them until this very moment. But what had just passed between them was confirmation. Sakura almost lost her breath at the realization.

“You’re mistaken,” finally came the blunt retort, but it was too late.

Sakura was already closing the inches between them. Her fingers were already brushing his cheeks as she brought his face to hers. She hesitated. Just for a second. Just long enough for him to pull away from her. But Sasuke barely took a breath before Sakura touched her lips to his.

[aliypop]

Simpatia

Word Count: 2,225

Character Count: 11,925

Warning: themes of trauma mentioned, Mentions of Rape,�� and all things Hannibal like 

A/N: I really really hope you guys enjoy this fic it’s a part two to Empatia and more of Shanel Mahone please let me know if you guys enjoy it! 

"Sometimes I think the curse is gone...Days or even months, pass in peace but then, without warning it stirs... like malaria." Shanel said, her grip on the black leather seat hard almost causing scratches on it, It had been only a week since she and Hannibal had, had dinner together, and neither party wanted to bring anything up about it which made her think that maybe it was for the better, 

Hannibal watched her fidget in her seat, pulling at her clothes, specifically at her white buttoned-down shirt, almost as if it were choking her, "One month I can forget that it all," 

"That it all what.." Hannibal asked curiously as to what she would have said next, setting his notepad aside on his desk he could smell the fear on her, not from him but from something else though he'd push to even say that it was from somebody else, "Happened," she responded her tapping her heels and slouching in the seat making herself almost seem swallowed whole by the space around her which was already dark and bleak, she couldn't run and hide from the bad guy in her nightmares nor could she push the memories of what he told her didn't happen away either, 

"Our scars have the power to remind us our past was real.." Hannibal gave her a soft smile and a comforting handhold,

"DON'T!  do that..." she removed her hand away from his as quick as she could, to her it felt as if time was  frozen  and that everything she did had only slowly begun to catch up to her, standing to her feet like a rushing whirlwind only made doctor Lector's analyzation on her stronger, of course, he had known for her to lash out on  themes that he might have mentioned in their sessions, but nothing to the point that it made her end their discussion so early, 

"I really should head back to work.." she mumbled, walking out the door, "Same time next week?" she asked as he only nodded back in response. Her office, however, was only a door down from his, a bleak walk that felt like death row with the gloomy winter skies painting the background of her office she only felt more alone and swallowed whole by her own guilt and shame of her past, something that felt like an anchor on her life still she refused to tell her own therapist about these things, for example, her reoccurring nightmares, flashbacks, or how she secretly fell that she would never be enough and therefore became a lawyer in a country where no one knew who she was, 

"Ms. Mahone, are you okay?"

"Just another bad day, any calls Carlos," she asked, her breathing still shaky as if she had finished running a mile. Carlos was an intern of the Mahone law firm which dealt with sexually, heinous crimes and was more so a cover-up business for what she really did, but that was only a secret shared between her and Hannibal, 

"Not that I know of, but Will dropped off the files for the Hobbs case," he shrugged handing her the files her curled up hair pressed to her forehead, taking the yellowish envelope she rushed into her office, slamming the door behind her making it her sanctuary, one that tended to either blare 80's music and or classical operatic melodies, grew silent the only thing that she could hear was the robotic ringing of her office phone, in which she refused to answer until it rang for the tenth time, 

"Hello," she answered listening to the crisp silence of the call,

" la mia piccola puttana," 

"I.. I don't understand..." she began trembling and shaking under her desk as she repeated to herself that what she had just heard was unreal,  "The.. letters and.. the gifts.. you," 

"I wanted you to forgive me, to trust me... ya know ever since I treated you bad I wanted to make it up to you," a condescending tone in his voice, this, however, was the same man who had taken the wrongful liberties of turning her into what she was today a closed-in private life woman who didn't know what love was nor did she understand the purpose of trusting someone let alone think about it, this was the man who hurt her so badly she killed him, or so she thought,

 "I don't want anything from you," her voice gave out wavering, like a candle in the wind alone by itself. 

"I thought that maybe we could talk, go on a ride as we used to when you were 12, just me and my little puttana," he could feel the way she had nearly shrunk into herself every time he had even uttered the letters to the name that he used to call her, it still reminded him of the power that kept her down enough for him to use her again like old times, Shanel put the phone back on the hook hoping that it would be the end to his scheme, but like most, she was dead wrong, the side of her suit had vibrated, indicating that she had just received a text which read, 

"I see you," 

Peaking her head out from under her desk she could only see what looked like ebony black hair and an olive skin man standing in the parking lot next to her pink sports car, trying to steady herself using her office chair, keeping her head held low, walking down the hallways made her feel as if she were heading towards death row with a bag over her face and two prosecutors carrying her down towards the sweet electric chair which she could hear it buzzing like a song in her ear, 

" Lack of trust in other people increases the need for religion. If you can't rely on others, you'll have to rely on god,"  

She heard the voice of Hannibal say, looking around herself it was almost as if she had transported herself to a museum of  some sort where every picture was everything that she was able to remember some that were good and some that weren't, 

"Where am I... where are we?"  she asked turning to the blonde hair psychiatrist who was dressed in something completely different than what she had remembered from earlier, she too was also dressed differently, wearing red as he wore white,  

"Your mind palace, and as I see, you've built quite the wall around it... tell me Shanel will you let yours fall eventually.."  he asked her watching the way her features fell soft when she was around him, letting him see the sides of her that she wanted him to, nothing less and nothing more to it, besides what was a monster if you loved it she had always figured,  walking alongside him sitting down to admire the "art" around them,

 "About earlier I-" 

"Good you're up.." a hand caress her cheek as she was bent over what felt to be a couch underneath her, a knife was pressed against her leg as it slowly began to peel away her brown skin revealing what was under her skin the beautiful red of O positive blood rushed down her leg staining her tan heels, as he began digging the knife deeper into her skin as if she were a pig and he was checking for fat, 

 "Scream, and I'll kill ya," he grabbed her cheeks pushing her head further down onto the couch, she could hear him unzip his pants, and his satisfied breathing in her ear, silent tears fell from her face her body frozen just like it used to be when Christopher attacked her, though most times his buddies in the mob would join along with him, 

"Now be a good princess and let father Christoph-"  she took her heel gouging out his eyeballs blooding up her suit, 

"I can't see! " he shouted as Shanel then searched into the couch cushion finding a pistol in which she loaded and cocked the gun feeling his hand on her thigh crawling up further under her skirt as her finger found the trigger pointing the barrel at his head, then at his arm blowing a hole right between his shoulder watching him scream in agony, 

"That was how you made me feel, for 13 years !" she shot at him, "13 miserable years, and now it's time to make you pay for it all.." her voice was now a hushed whisper as she watched him beg an plead to her as if she were God, but unlike him, she was unforgiving, the murderess that killed those who hurt the one's who killed those who hurt in the inside, the judge of wicked the wrong and the unrighteous, 

"May he have mercy on your soul.." she mumbled under her breath, taking the final blow to his head, the FBI had then begun to bust into the room watching before them the renowned and loved lawyer covered in blood staggering back and forth as she in a blurry panic saw what looked to be Hannibal falling into his arms,  Will only sighed seeing the shoe that was lodged deep into his eye cavity and the other that seemed to show the deep scalping of his head, the crime was far worse than anything he had seen so far in his profiling classes, 

"I'll take her to paramedics.." Jack tapped Will on the back as he shook his head, 

Shanel laid there in the hospital hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor as well as a few other machines to check her breathing and her vital signs, as Hannibal sat there waiting for her spring to life he contemplated on looking at the wonderful spread of parts near him, but also the beauty of getting to know her true soul, thinking back go the night they shared dinner together made him think about how he wanted to keep her around as his and only his for as long of the time he could get the FBI off his scent, roses surrounded her, but still her beauty had out shown them all, Watching  her fingers move around his own chased him out of the scattering waves of thoughts causing him to  break away from the rushing noises around him, 

"You're up I see," he smiled up at the wounded lawyer, who this time didn't remove her hand from his own, turning her head slowly to look towards him she could sense a new aurora around him a gentle one that almost shocked her in a way,

 " I assume you saw everything.." she asked him

" I did," he squeezed her hand reassuring her, watching her turn away from him, 

"I assume you think me a monster then.." she suggested a chuckle leaving her mouth her bringing a new piece of music to be written to his ears, 

" Must I denounce myself as a monster while you still refuse to see the one growing inside you?" he asked her, taking her hand up to his lips kissing her knuckles in an adoring fashion, 

"I was nearly raped today, and you think by kissing my knuckles, I'll just fall under your charm .. and yet you won't even talk about our dinner.." she pulled her hand away from his "If I never see you again then clearly I would be -" 

"Lonely .. hurt again, drowning deeper in regret then what you already suffer in, feeling that no one will ever love you," he suggested watching her squirm uncomfortably from how correct he was, 

"I've already made arrangements for you to live with me, think of it a partnership.." he smiled,

"My apartment is fine.." she growled at him, turning away hiding her blush from him, she knew that she belonged next to him like Persephone alongside Hades. He was her match in every plausible way, but she couldn't let her guard down,  

"Not from the notes left there, let alone the state that you're in, and as I am currently  your doctor, I know what's best for you.." he suggested, hearing her become silent,

 "You only know what I allow you to know.."  she snarled at him, " which isn't much... besides, I hunt alone," she glared into his maroon eyes deep down into the very last inch of soul left in him, 

"If you want to catch an Egale you better learn to fly doctor lec-" she felt a quick peck on the lips her eyes wide as the very breath in her lungs was taken away from her eyes flickering, and lips puckering up for more, 

"Say you'll stay.." he asked her, as the taste of him lingered on her lips, he had a taste of honey and oak with the sheer sleek taste of iron on his tongue O negative to be exact, the blood of Christopher himself peppered over    rice,

 "We'll have an old friend of yours for dinner.." he suggested watching her nod in utter bliss, "You'll hunt, and I'll gather," he asked her 

" The wicked the wrong and unrighteous .." she looked at him,

"And the Rude.." He asked

"What?"

"When feasible one should always eat the rude.," he smiled petting her curls taking in her scent, 

[mixedracefairy]

A Reylocentric review of Episode IX

*HELLA SPOILERS*

DON'T READ IF YOU'VE NOT SEEN STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER!

(I'm from London get used to the slang)

I liked:

• I just liked how one of many Snokes was in like a Matrix incubator, lit and mysterious idea - that Palpatine was behind the creation of Ben. Did he bun not being able to find Rey and then switch to Vader's line as I assume Ben wasn't hard to find? Had to use Snoke otherwise Final Order and resurgence would be revealed. Cool.

• Opening with Ren POV establishes him as a big man and dark don and Palpatine is butters like whatever you think of Ben/Ren all man can get behind hating on Palpy.

• The whole 'lads we best sort this out or we're totally fucked' plot - Palpatine is back with a surrender or be destroyed motive

• The promise of destiny to Ren if man ends Rey cos it makes them mortal enemies. However you sense he won't cos she's wifey but the dichotomy is bare hypey. (That sounds silly. It does however, best express my feelings to the situ.)

• Him chasing her all 'I am gonna turn you to the dark' - it's exciting that he has a desire for her, it's also exciting that she's like aight calm and carries on with her ting with the boiz

• Rey's vision - the potential in the force for her to rule with Kylo Ren and be dark side. Wild.

• Rey's heritage revealed - that she comes from a lineage of great power and great darkness. At first it was cool that she was a nobody and Ren like a prince because of the class contrast and their bond, but this reveal makes her almost greater than Ren, eligible to be empress. Literally the bottom to top. Lit.

• Moments of proximity, there's a momentum building, the bond between them and it's exciting to anticipate their presence together and what might come if it

• The duel of wills over the transporter, demonstrating equal power. (Luke saber 2.0)

• Her shock at her power, losing control/unawareness of might - Rey fearing her power and destiny. Rey also being how the Skywalker twins learn from their mistakes of not fearing (Ben's) power

• Their force bonds - moments where she outsmart him, him with the position in power searching for her on the ground but she's in his quarters. There's always been something hypey about the FO/Empire with their might vs RA/Resistance underdogs and our boiz winning, but never in a situation where they're bonded and he's literally searching for her to wifey.

• Lowkey role reversal cos he's tryna tell her who she is, albeit for his own purposes, and she's in denial and responds by attacking him. The 'I'm angry so I'm gonna hack at things with my lightsaber' is usually a Ren move.

• You can't tell if they want to kill each other, (cos you can tell they wanna fuuuh). Ren races at her with his speeder, she cuts off his wing; in their heated duel they let each other recover yet she seizes the opportunity to kill him. She then heals him as the occasion is a mutual mourning. Confessing wanting to take his hand, Ben's hand.

• The way Rey and Ren dance around each other, Rey flying off his star base. Man all like rah, bae swerved again.

• They did 3PO dirty! It's gucci tho for the Groot-esque bant.

• Ren's abandoning of the dark side moment was feeling keenly the loss of his mother, indicating he had a love for her and somewhere a desire to return to the light or a safety/relaxedness that his opposition was headed by her. Almost like he was protecting as much as seeming to destroy her cause. 

• It reminded him of how he lost his father by his hand, their love haunts him as somewhere he felt he belonged but was ashamed to return to because of Snoke (Palpatine's) corruption. Her death is a loss of hope for his sometime redemption or organising of the galaxy between those who backed the Resistance and First Order. 

• The memory of Han convinces Ben Leia's cause still lives if he decides to take it up, showing he did care for her and what she stood for. He just felt lost to it, hurt, unbelonging, bitter and abandoned by it. Yet he believed in himself and his destiny for greatness, (which you have to rate), so man was like dark side it is. (Wow, what a gangster.) 

• It's a bit like Leia's death freed him of the shame of wanting to be light because he needn't face their judgement, or more, the pain of their undeserved love and forgiveness.

• Lowkey Harry Potter vibes like when Harry's nemesis kills him but doesn't die but the horcrux part did. Han says "Kylo Ren is dead" after he is stabbed by his own saber - the pursuit of darkness that was destroying him has been killed (with compassion for Leia?)

• Leia's arc from episide IV has been lit. After her death, Poe feeling unqualified and Lando saying they all of them weren't ready, you deep how young, (what literally 17?), Leia since day has been taking initiative, being a leader. What a champion and woman all the galaxy has looked up to. And telling silly flyboys to put their cocks away, yet still she believed in and elevated Poe (who has learnt and developed).

• Force heal 1 was a nice indicator of her capability and just a nice touch of her approach of kindness to problem solving, like Leia to her flyboys - put your cocks away. Also dope how Finn prees it and backs her.

• What the hell was Finn going to tell Rey before they sank?

• Yo the way man ended Hux was lit! Pusssyyyy

• Ben's redemption, how he went after Rey to rescue/fight with her as Han's son.

Fresh 👏 garms

• The parallels of Ben and Rey both ditching their saber was cool. Not sure why, like they're both on the wavelength of 'fuck this shit' haha. Except Ben ditches his to step into his true self, what he was trying to do since day, and Rey ditches hers to deny herself. Good thing Luke was about to say who you are is what you make of yourself. A bit like the answerless mirror cave from VIII.

• I like old Luke. I like what a cynical c*nt he is hahaha

• Ben abandoned his saber as it represented Kylo Ren and darkness. Was it foolish to take just a blaster? Tbf he is the don with the force so maybe he thought he was gucci. Force swap was sick tho.

• Pretty cool that their force bond is so powerful it could renew Palpatine's power as it shows how precious it is. Also mad tragic that that is their downfall, they stood no chance against him. But surely if it could renew him it could end him? Two yung padawans couldn't really take on big man like Palpy so fair.

• There were some excellently convincing moments all round of loss of hope - 'they're done fuuucked' moments. Poe in his X wing, Rey staring into force lightning etc.

• Was it stupid that Ben went to Rey? It's obviously instinctive he ain't gonna snake bae now they're not opps. Without him there Palpatine never would have been renewed tho. Rey however remains pure and not a Sith, so did he come to protect her innocence? Fits in with the literary themes and tropes of fairytales that the whole idea of them comes from. 

• I mean if he hadn't come Rey would be Sith empress and really how bad would that be? She'd probably have Ben beside her thus fulfilling the vision she had. What Sith vows must she have taken in order to become empress, (to save the mandem obvs), because she could technically marry Ben who would rule in light and she in darkness. That would be badass af, an unwilling Sith empress.

• Rey's fulfilling of destiny, saving the galaxy etc. I mean obviously it's dope when a hero steps into her role. She chose, like Ren, to ignore her past but in this case for good (because she had the bravery to believe she was not isolated, she was loved, unlike Ben). 

• Her battle has been one of self worth and belonging and she believed she belonged to a Jedi family, worthy to have all Jedi behind her, despite her searching for a family to give her life meaning and finding the truth is literally the opposite of what might help her in this battle. She gave all her power/life for the galaxy.

• Ben gave his life for her, completing his redemption in a Christ-like ultimate love sacrifice. We also catch a first smile and oh me lawd it is my favourite thing in the whole three trilogies. That transfer of life, joy, love, kiss, death was just perfection. Po👏et👏ry. 

• Fuck man. She was his only joy. Raaah

• Also because she died for the galaxy, he died to give her life, it's like he took the L for the galaxy instead, but also allowing our young female protagonist from ends the glory and not the star prince with a bad white male privilege temper and climb to power.

• Leia didn't become one with the force til Ben was redeemed. That's deep. Was that why Ben turned? His scar is now healed, suggesting the betrayal of patricide and how that weakened him instead of making him Kylo Ren is mended by Rey. He's no longer split in two?

• What's the symbolism of giving her life by putting your hand there Ben? I see you Disney, you gotta keep it PG but I see you

• At the end, when she's asked what her name is, it would have been cool if she was like Rey Palpatine and I overcame the meaning of the name, I know who I am. But it was fitting, you could sense it - and the force ghosts what a touch - she was a Skywalker. Her fam have been Leia, Luke and Han, and her soulmate should they have been married would make her Skywalker too. Technically Rey Solo which also fits because it's the same reason Han chose the name cos man didn't know who they belonged to, except she's not alone, she belongs as a Skywalker.

• Obviously Rey and Ben raising little babies as heirs to the empire would have been dope but Ben's death atones for his atrocities as well as makes for poetic writing. 

• Rey returns to nothing, which is cool cos her parents obviously must have been eligible to be heirs to the empire and also chose to be nothing. So it's significant, not anticlimactic. It's humbling, which in the trope of heroes is radical.

• This is a statement that autocracies like the Final Order don't belong in the galaxy, but people power can take down star destroying fleets. (Shame about UK politics not being people power taking down hope destroying elites but ok.)

• Oi what does that gold lightsaber mean? It's cool still.

• Leia and Luke, like Rey, show a natural instinct for the light, as if to say humans are naturally loving without influence of darkness. (Ffs Darth Sidious)

• Both Rey and Ben have the same dark then light genealogy. Rey actively seeks out the light (VIII) and is denied it and genuinely fears her potential for darkness eventually. Ben is moulded to darkness despite his natural light. When they face big man Darth Sidious they're both at a point of comfort in their identities, they both believe they have a right to the light side because of who they are and the choice they are making.

• What's the new mask phase all about?

• Ben's arc is dope - you meet Kylo Ren and he's scary and powerful, then lol at mask off moment, you're a likkle yout! Then find he desperately wants to prove himself and becomes a vulnerable manchild, his act of patricide fostering a softer side which we connect to through Rey, taking leadership and then throwing that in the trash to be, like Rey, a nobody. It's like reverse Vader, also because instead of unwittingly killing his missus he wittingly gives his life for her.

• Lit trilogy 👏 bun the haters. Them man don't understand 😙👌

[jungshookz]

I rlly love librarian joon so much that ive been rereading it and i was wondering,,, maybe a drabble on how y/n gets a tutor for her philosophy (or any subject) class and they have lessons in the library and joon gets jealous esp when y/n tutor is obvioUSLY flirting with y/n but shes an oblivious walnut (we still love u y/n) and he gets kind of insecure that y/n doesnt ask him for help instead and constantly ditches him for tutoring lessons and overall just seems to have more fun with her tutor

→ pairing: kim namjoon x reader

→ genre: librarian!joonie is back!!!!, let me introduce you all to arthoe!taehyung, oblivious!y/n, fluffy times + lil bit of angst + tinY bit of smut u know how it be 

→ wordcount: 3.4k

(gif isn’t mine!)

namjoon usually doesn’t take things personally because he’s groWn and he has better things to fret over

but sweetie

he is FREttING over this very very hard

you decided to take up art history this semester and you didn’t want to sLip so you hooked yourself up with a tutor

you just came out of nowhere and you were like hey by the way i can’t hang out after class today because i have my first tutoring lesson and namjoon was like ?? do you have another philosophy exam or something

“nah i don’t have any more exams i’m just taking art history this year and i want to be ahead of everything and stuff”

wha-

namjoon thinks that he makes a pretty good tutor himself and he would totaLLY memorise 100 books worth of information so that he could teach you because that’S how much he cares for u

but of course he doesn’t think much of it because yeah it makes sense

art history isn’t namjoon’s specialty so obviously you would reach out to someone who’s actually learning the stuff

okay

whatever it’s fine

“okay! are we still going for dinner?”

“i’ll let you know but honestly probably not?? i’m behind on coursework and taehyung’s going to go over everything that i missed which is a lot!!! i’ll text you later dweeb” namjoon doesn’t even get the chance to respond before you’re leaning down to give him a quick peck and then you just yeEt out of the library

….taehyung

your tutor is a guy

which is fine!!!! totally fine

he’s just curious as to who this taehyung guy is

he’s not like a super jealous freak of a boyfriend it’s all good

namjoon purses his lips before shrugging to himself and bringing his attention back to his laptop

about 20 minutes pass and namjoon’s phone buzzes on the desk

‘we’re still on for dinner!!! i’ll meet u outside the library at 6’

hAh

see

nothing to worry about

hey

so

remember the thing namjoon said about having nothing to worry about

now he has something to worry about

it’s nearing 6:45 and you still haven’t shown up

namjoon sighs and leans against the front door

he could go back into the library but he already set up the alarm system for the night and he locked everything up

god it’s cold tonight

he shudders and wraps his coat tighter around himself

where are you??

and right on cue namjoon’s phone starts ringing in his pocket

he scrambles to unlock his phone and he brings it up to his ear

“y/n?”

“joon?? i’m so sorry!!!! i completely forgot about dinner i didn’t even know how quickly time was going by!!!”

“it’s fine, don’t worry about it!” namjoon clears his throat and musters a smile “i’ll see you tomorrow?”

it’s good that you’re taking your studying more seriously

yeah it kinda sucked standing out here in the cold for literally 45 minutes but u know what it’s greAt that you’re so passionate about learning new things now

“uh-huh! oh, i have to tell you aLL about taehyung he’s hilarious and he taught me so sO much and i didn’t even know studying could be this much fun! anyways i promise i’ll make it up to you-”

uh

UM

U M

what’s thAT supposed to mean

was studying philosophy with namjoon not fun???? he made like a shiTload of fancy flashcards and you seemed like you were having fun!!!

namjoon presses his lips together to keep himself from saying anything snarky even tho he really wants to

“i’m sorRy i’m sorry i’m soRRy i’M sorrryyyyryryryryyrryyr-“ you whine and slump in namjoon’s arms when he opens them up to give you a hug when you come in the next day

“it’s hard to hug you when you’re all floppy and boneless.” namjoon chuckles and you stand up straight before wrapping your arms around his neck loosely

you stand up on your tip-toes to give him a peck or two (or three or four or five) and namjoon hums contently

you should ditch him more often if it gets u to act like this (just kidding he didn’t like being ditched it was awful)

he has you sandwiched in between the book cart and himself and you’re not usually a PDA kinda gal but you can work with this

“do you forgive me?” you adjust his tie and namjoon leans down a little to sneak another kiss from you

“i haven’t decided yet.” namjoon jokes and you let out a small whine

“maybe if you take a quick break.,.. we can go into the backroom..,.,., i’m sure i can find other ways for you to forgive me.,,” you whistle and trace your finger along his chest and namjoon scoffs playfully before stepping aside and letting you out of the bookcart-namjoon sandwich

“i forgive you, don’t worry about it, hm? i’m sure it won’t happen again.”

“yes, you’re right! it won’t happen again. …and i wasn’t kidding about the backroom thing.”

“tempting, but… someone was being a little too loud in there last time.” namjoon pokes your nose before sliding a couple books onto the shelf and wheeling the cart back to the front counter

meanwhile you’re trailing behind him the whole time

“touché. you’re coming over to my place this weekend, right?”

“correct” namjoon opens the little gate to let himself behind the counter

“good!!! i made sure to fluff up your pillows anD i put the shirts and boxers that u left last time in the drawer”

“oh, i get my own drawer already?” namjoon teases and although you roll your eyes your cheeks are starting to heat up

ya he has his own drawer now so what it’s not a biG deal okAY

“ooh, by the way - do you think i can study here today?” you point over to the lounge area where your backpack is thrown haphazardly over the couch and your notes and pens are scattered everywhere

..classic

“the classroom that we usually go to is booked up.” you lean over the counter and give namjoon your cutest pout “and i already told taehyung to meet me here”

ah

right

taehyung

he still doesn’t know who the guy is

whoever he is he made you ditch dinner but namjoon isn’t biTTer or anyThing

namjoon rolls his eyes playfully “don’t look at me like that, you. of course you can study here! just make sure to keep it quiet and stuff since this is the library, after all”

hey

spoiler alert: namjoon agreeing to let you study here was a big fat MISTAKE

why do bad things happen to good people

in this case the bad thing is kim taehyung and the good person is namjoon in case that wasn’t already painfully obvious

namjoon resists the urge to roll his eyes when he hears another giggle slip past your lips

yes

he loves the sound of your giggle

but noT when it’s caused by kim taehyung

namjoon peeks over the top of his book to look over at you two again

what even is he wearing

are those shoes from guCCI

he has dad-looking square framed silver glasses which look a loT lamer than namjoon’s thick-framed glasses in his humble opinion

and he’s wearing a dangly earring but it’s only in one ear like if ur going to wear dangly earrings u might as well wear them in both ears

and he’s wearing a beret???? this is the LIBRARY this is not PARIS

cE N’EST PAS PARIS

taehyung leans forward and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear before grabbing the leg of your chair and pulling you closer as you continue to babble on about something

meanwhile namjoon’s just sitting behind the counter gawking at the two of you

what is happening????? what the hell is this??????

“now, lift your hand.” taehyung’s baritone voice is suddenly all namjoon can focus on

jesus

his voice is like.,.,. smooth dark chocolate.,.,,. warm honey.,,.,.,.smokey,.., bbq sauce?,.., the point is namjoon sounds like a frog going through puberty compared to taehyung

namjoon is very obviously staring at the two of you now he’s not even going to try and hide it

“-the elegantly, loosely held hands from da vinci probably represent the most exquisite drawing of hands in the history of art…” taehyung hums and presses his hands against yours before loosely intertwining his fingers with yours “every detail of the long fingers and the beautifully modulated shading produces a convincing effect of reality so that one can almost know the person from her hands…” he pulls away and traces his finger from the tip of your middle finger down to your wrist

hausdhKJSHFJKHDS

is that allOWED ??? is that alloweD????????

namjoon is noT going to let this.,.., this.,,.,., ART HOE steaL you from him

and that’s when the lightbulb appears above his head

art history can’t be thAt hard to master…right?  

long ass story short: namjoon spends the entire night going through your syllabus and making sure he’s brushed up on all of the topics so that when he teaches you he’ll have somewhat of an idea of what he’s talking about

he took out a bunch of history books and lugged them all home and he has sticky notes everywhere and his brand new notebook is full of information relating to art history

he pauses and stops typing and leans back against his chair

what the hell is he doing

he’s seriously going to sit here the whole night doing research on a topic he’s never studied before because HE wants to be the one to teach you instead of stupid taehyung

….the answer is yes

namjoon adjusts his glasses and begins typing out his notes again

“the elegantly loosely held hands represent the most exquisite drawing of hands in the history of art…” namjoon mocks taehyung when he gets to a part in the textbook where it talks about da vinci “i bet he has some kind of hand fetish.,,. that beret-wearing weirdo”

maybe he’s being a little too harsh

namjoon is not a mean-spirited person

he’s just not used to.,..,,. relationship.,,., things..,., and the..,., the jealousy thing

he thinks that it’s stupid that he’s jealous but he can’t help it okay

he can be insecure sometimes and right now he’s kinda insecure because taehyung is smooth and handsome and charming and namjoon is weird and awkward and dorky but like in an endearing way??? kinda?? and-

u know what he’s not going to worry about this he doesn’t have time to worry he needs to write out these notes

the point is  

these are unfamiliar waters

he lets out a small breath

okay

nice and calm

everything’s good

EVERYTHING IS NOT GOOD

EVERYTHING IS BAD AND EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE AND THIS LIBRARY’S LOCATION IS IN HELL

“aw, joonie, that’s awfully sweet of you, but you didn’t have to! taehyung has it covered.” you coo and reach up to cup namjoon’s cheek “okay i’m going to go back to-“

“wait- you don’t even wanna try studying with me?? l-look, i made flash cards and everything!” namjoon sets the textbooks down on the counter with a thud before reaching over and grabbing the whole stack of multicoloured flash cards

“well, maybe we can study together… later! you really didn’t have to do all of this for me…” you trail off and furrow your brows

namjoon did a LOT of work like he filled out an entire notebook with notes and this is a thicc stacc of flashcards

“plus you need to dust the bookshelves, don’t you? why don’t you go ahead and do that?”

“y/n, you coming back?” you look over your shoulder and taheyung’s looking over at you worryingly and you wave him off

“yes! hold on, i’m just-“

“c’mon come sit let taehyung take a pee break or something let’s do some study- oH OH u know what i actually have a surprise for you!” namjoon rifles through his papers before sliding a brochure over to you “there’s an art exhibition in town this weekend! i can take you!!!!”

namjoon’s not aware of this but you’re not really paying attention to him because you’re looking through all the notes he wrote out for you

this is a loT of work how long did he take to write all of this down

you look up at him when you realise he’s stopped talking “sorry what was tha-“

“y/n! c’mon, i was just getting to the good part of the book.” taehyung suddenly appears behind you and wraps his fingers around your wrist

“oh, yep! okay, uh-“ before you know it taheyung’s dragging you back to the couch and you shoot namjoon a sheepish smile

it’s officially been three weeks since taehyung became your tutor

and these have been the worst three weeks of namjoon’s life

after the whole desperation act everything’s just seemed to get worse and worse and woRSE

suddenly taehyung is sucking up all of your time

you can’t grab a bite to eat with joon because taehyung wants you to watch a documentary to learn more about the mona lisa

you can’t hang out with joon in general because you’re spending every free minute studying your ass off

and all of these things have a common link

KIM TAEHYUNG

oOH god namjoon has never actively hated a person before but there’s always time to try new things!!!!!!!! HE HATES HIM

but this

this is just the iCIng on the cake!!! the cherry on the sundae!!!!!! the KICK IN THE ASS

“where are you going?? i thought we were finally going to grab some dinner together.” namjoon raises a brow when he notices you beginning to pack up early

“tae’s taking me to some art exhibition because he says it’s better for me to see the pieces up close rather than through the textbook” you hum as you start packing up your things “but don’t worry! i’ll make it back in time for dinner!!!”

namjoon’s eye twitches

u

you’re going to

you’re going to the art exhibition…. with taehyung……….. but u didn’t want to go when he suggested it.,,.,,.,.

“oh. i see.” namjoon slaps his book shut and clears his throat

you look over your shoulder before turning around

“…something’s wrong.”

see you have a thick skull but not to the point where you can’t see that something is obviously wrong

namjoon can practically hear the gears click-click-clicking away in your head as you stare at him blankly while trying to figure out what it is….,,. you did wrong,.,.,. ??

namjoon looks up at you and raises a brow “nothing’s wrong.” he shrugs casually before checking the time on his watch “you should probably head out to meet tae soon.” he murmurs a liTTLe more aggressively than he would’ve liked to murmur and brings his attention to his laptop

click-click-click-click-click

oh

OH

OH SHIT

oOOOohHHhHHH

“aw, joonie… i’m sorry!!!!” you pout and bend down and wrap your arms around him from behind as best as you can

“have i not been giving my doting boyfriend enough attention?” you tease and pop a kiss on his cheek before propping your chin up on his shoulder and namjoon lets out a sigh and stops typing

“cut it out, y/n” namjoon mutters and shrugs you off and you let out a breath

damn

he really mad

“namjoon, c’mon. i’m sorry, alright? i should’ve- you know how thick i am sometimes i thought tae was just being friendly because he seems like a naturally touchy person!”

“no one that friendly ever has friendly intentions.” namjoon turns around in his wheely chair to face you and raises a brow  

“i’m sorry, joon. really, i am.” you plop yourself down on his lap and wrap an arm around his neck before leaning down to rest your head on his shoulder

his arm slinks around your waist and he rests his other hand over your lap

“no, you don’t have anything to apologise for… it’s just me and my dumb insecurities.” namjoon coughs and you pop up immediately

“what insecurities?”

“i… i dunno… taehyung is… well, he’s not ugLy, that’s for sure.,., and he seems like he’s pretty well-off with his gucci shoes and his fancy berets.,.,. aNd he seems super smart like i heard him speaking fluent french and yA i can speak french too but not thAt well and whenever i hear him explaining things to you he’s super well spoken and it makes me feel like maybe i… maybe i’m not good enough for-“

“Don’T finish that sentence. don’t!!!” you gawk and furrow your brows

how could he even think that???

“you have absolutely nothing to be insecure about. i don’t like taehyung like that, i like you. i don’t care about his gucci shoes and his french and his fancy terminology.,.,, i only like him because he makes tutoring really fun! i like you, okay? you with your dorky glasses and your grandpa cardigans and your big, big… brain!” you beam at joon and he scoffs and rolls his eyes “if it makes you feel any better i think his cologne is waY too overpowering.”

“huh. that oddly does make me feel a little better.” he hums and you grin before leaning in to give him a kiss

you tilt your head to deepen the kiss and your hand slides up namjoon’s chest to fiddle with his tie

namjoon nudges you off his lap and you’re confused for a split second but then he’s pulling you down so that you can straddle him

“how much time do you have before you have to meet taehyung?” namjoon asks innocently although his hands are not so innocently sliding down your back and getting dangerously close to underneath your skirt

he buries his face into the crook of your neck and starts planting warm kisses on your skin  

you glance at his laptop over his shoulder “mm, 20 minutes?” you breathe out and let out a gasp when namjoon bucks his hips slightly

“is the,, uh.,, the act of forgiveness that you owed me for ditching me last week.,.,., is that still a thing?” namjoon pulls away and you nod quickly because YES it is still very much a thing “…u wanna… help me restock some books in the backroom before you leave?”

…u don’t even need to answer that question

taehyung enters the library to see that nobody is at the front desk

you were supposed to meet him by the math building but u didn’t show up.,., so naturally he decided to come to the library

he raises a brow and looks around the empty library

where-

“oh my god, namjoon!”

tae’s eyes pop out of their sockets when the silence is suddenly broken by a very loud moan

is that

is that u

oh my god

“yes, please, oh my god yes-“

…he’s just going to wait outside for you

help me help you make your wishes come tru (aka send me a request)

masterlist

[kz-i-co]

Easy Money: Part IV

» Summary: Jungkook is not sure if you changed your ways.

» Pairing: Jungkook/ Reader

» Genre: smut

» Words: 2.8k

» Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

» m.list ╫ bts masterlist

-

Spring break was finally over and you had to sadly sulk through the halls along with your broken friendship. The four of you were still hanging together but there was an awkward tension between you and Cas. Should you be the bigger person? Or hold your ground?

"This is stupid. We've been friends since the 3rd grade." Jae started first as the rest of you just looked at your food. "Please. We will be separating soon anyway and the last thing I want happening is all to fall apart and never speak to each other again."

"You're right Jae." You started. "I'm sorry for pushing you at the party and yelling at you. I just had all my emotions bottled up inside and I just exploded."

"If we did anything to upset you, you're suppose to tell us (Y/N). That's what friends do, be honest with each other." Cas spoke up.

"I know."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know I was pressuring you into doing things, you seemed like you were having fun."

"I was....in the beginning. But my mom was right. My behavior is starting to get out of control and I was just making everyone upset." You sighed.

"So lets just pretend this never happened then?" Jen cheered.

"Agreed." You smiled.

"Sorry we got you fired." Cas said again.

"It's okay. I'm just lucky Jungkook is a forgiving person." You pursed your lips.

"So how are things going with him?" Jae asked.

"Good." You smiled. "He's so sweet."

The bell rang signaling you to get up.

-

"So are you dating now?" Taehyung asked his friend.

"I'm not sure to be honest." Jungkook sighed. "I think she likes me though."

"Well you slept together so that means something."

"I know but she really puts her self out there and I'm just nervous I'm just another play by play."

"You need to talk to her then. You said she's done with the party scene." Taehyung spoke.

"I know. But she'll be going off to college soon and I'll still be stuck here. She'll probably end things anyway."

Jungkook likes you more then he wanted. The connection you had with him over the weekend was sweet and magical but he's afraid you won't change over night.

....

"Jungkook." His mother greeted at the door with a suitcase. "I need to go to Busan for a few days."

"Why what's wrong?" He asked concerned.

"Your grandfather had a heart attack." She said worried.

"Will he be okay?"

"I don't know." She grabbed her bag. "I just need you to bring Yuna to school tomorrow morning and pick her up and then I should be home Sunday."

"And if you need any help, (Y/N) only lives down the road." She continued and left out the door. "I'll call you later."

"We're screwed." Mina said crossing her arms.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Jungkook looked at his little sister.

"Me and Yuna are going to starve." She sat on the couch grabbing the remote.

"I can cook.....a few things."

"No you can't, you burn everything." She rolled her eyes.

"Not true."

"Is."

Jungkook sighed. "I'll order pizza tonight." He went upstairs.

-

You looked down the hallway and saw Jungkook finally alone. He always had his friends attached to him which made you avoid him these past few days.

"Hey." You smiled as he closed his locker.

"Oh, hey." He couldn't get the conversation with his friends out of his mind. He wasn't sure if you actually changed.

"I'm almost 2 weeks free of cigarettes." You smiled feeling proud.

"Wow really?" He seemed surprised.

"Yes stupid. I told you I would." You pushed him gently.

As the halls became more empty, you took the moment to drag him into the janitors closet. It was dark so you hit the switch as the room still had a dim atmosphere. You were quick to bring your lips to his causing Jungkook to hold his breath.

You pulled his collar closer as he finally responded back and he placed his hands gently upon your hips like the gentleman he is. You wander your hand down his chest until you reached the buckle of his pants. You palmed him on the outside of his pants at a steady pace causing him to pull away.

"We can't do this here." He whispered.

"The janitor has like 5 different closets. I doubt he'll stumbled into this one." You kissed him again and went back to rubbing him quickly. You could feel his member get harder by the second. You placed your free hand on top of his and forced them to move lower in a more inappropriate place. He was too sweet for his own good and he knew you weren't gentle. He pulled away out of breath but continued kissing down your neck. You eyes rolled back letting the pleasure take hold. He was full erected by this point.

"What are you doing this weekend?" You asked suddenly.

"My moms away so I'll be babysitting." He leaning up to look at you.

"Need any help?"

"Well actually-" He was cut off from the door opening, pulling you apart in seconds and he quickly covered his bulge.

"You kids....get out of here." The janitor yelled and you were both quick out of the closet. "You're lucky I don't report you."

"See you later." You bit your lip and walking towards your class.

Jungkook exhaled deeply remembering what just happened. He couldn't read you but he loved every moment you gave him attention. Even if it was hidden inside a dusty old closet. He blushed walking back to class still feeling your touch. He had to think of other things to hide the evidence of what just happened.

You were way more experienced then him which made him nervous but on the other hand, he was excited.

-

"Everything go alright?" Jungkook spoke to his mother.

"Yeah, I just ordered pizza." He said as he seen you walk through his back door. He didn't invite your nor did he know you were coming over.

"There's plenty of food in the house Jungkook, don't spend all the money on take out." His mother said as you sat down next to him on the couch.

Mina was letting Yuna play some dumb video game on the computer in her room at the moment so it was pretty much quiet.

"I'm not much of a cook mom." You sat there bored and noticed the tear Jungkook had on his shirt. You brushed your fingers over just to look, which caused him to jump and grab your hand. You smirked from what he thought you were doing which made you more devious.

"Follow my recipe book." She said as he felt your hand unzip his jeans and reach inside.

"Okay." His voice became more unstable.

"And your grandfather is fine. He just needs lots of rest." His mother continued going on in conversation, no sign of stopping.

"Thank god." He tried to sound calm as you took him out of his jeans and started pumping him.

"Also you grandmother said she really misses you, she hasn't seen you since you were 14." His mother laughed. "We should plan a trip to visit."

"A-ah." He nodded even though she couldn't see. His words were limited as his mouth hung open from you leaning down, letting your mouth do the work.

"You alright Jungkook?" His mother asked.

"Um, yeah. Sorry my friends just pulled up." He lied.

"No friends over Jungkook. I want my home in one piece when I get back." You sucked faster and rougher.

"Ffff-" He tried not to moan. "I'll tell them to leave." His head leaned back on the couch.

"I'm not kidding, I'll even get the neighbor to check up on you." She demanded.

"I won't." He voice was more stern. You could feel the precum drip down his member as you continued pumping what couldn't fit into your mouth. "Can I hang up now?" He panicked over the phone.

"Jungkook." His mother said from his choice of words.

He bit his lip to try to not let any moans escape. When you brought your head back up you noticed how red his tip was that you knew he wasn't going to last long. You went back down bobbing your head in a rapid pace and he was trying to hold it in as much as possible.

"I'm sorry mom, I-I......really need to use the bathroom." He lied.

"Alright. I guess I'll talk to you later." She said as he painted heavy.

"Yeah. Bye." He hung up letting his phone drop down in between the cushions.

He leaned back more comfortable as he let you finish in more suitable atmosphere. He placed his hand on the back of your head causing you to pick up the pace more.

As he was getting closer to his high, he couldn't help the moans to finally escape. You rubbed your hand father down from the rest of his private area to stir up the release. He had one last thrust until he stopped weakly as he came undone. You lifted your mouth letting the liquid drip down the side. His breathing was heavy as he laid still on the couch. You smirked and leaned down cleaning up the mess.

Once you pulled away he was staring at you with an expression you couldn't read. "What are you doing here?" He said still out of breath.

"I wanted to hang out with you." You smiled and got up from the couch into the kitchen to clean your face.

Jungkook jumped and quickly put himself together as he heard singing from his little sister coming down the stairs. "Kookie, I'm hungry." Yuna said.

"Okay." He walked to the kitchen as saw you drinking a can of soda.

He grabbed a bag of animal crackers and went back to the living room to see his other sister on her way down.

"What are you doing down here?" Mina asked and Jungkook handed over the crackers.

"I was on the phone with mom." He answered.

"But I heard groans or something." She looked confused.

"Oh I aaa....stumped my toe on the table." He lied.

"Okay.....what's for dinner tonight?" She quickly changed the subject.

"I'm looking now." He said and headed back towards the kitchen as his sisters followed him.

"Oh hey." You greeted as they saw you.

"(Y/N)." Yuna ran over and hugged you.

Mina looked at you and then her brother as her confusion grew. "Did mom say she can come over?"

"Yes..." He said. "Can you cook?" He asked you.

"Yeah." You said cheerful. "What do you want?"

"Looks like I can make Samgyeopsal." You continued looking in the fridge.

"Okay, I approve." Mina said and walked away.

"Kookie, can you put on trolls?" Yuna asked.

"Kookie." You said with awe.

Jungkook glared and followed his sister to the living room.

-

"Can you cook for us tomorrow night also." Jungkook leaned over to pick up his sleeping sister.

"Sure." You smiled.

You followed him upstairs watching from the doorway of him tucking in his sister. Then he moved on to Minas room. "Hey lights out. It's midnight."

"Alright." She turned off her tv and began to get in her bed.

"Are you sleeping over or do you want me to walk you home?" Jungkook asked you.

"I don't know. This is really the only alone time I get with you in hours." You said with a pout.

"We can watch a movie in my room if you want." He suggested causing you to bite your lip.

"Sure."

"May I barrow some clothes." You said breaking the silence as he set the movie up.

"Yeah." He said shyly and went over to his dresser pulling out a pair of boxer shorts and a t-shirt.

You immediately threw off your shirt causing Jungkook to blush and even went in-depth to taking off your bra causing him to shy away.

"Sorry." You giggled. "I can't sleep in a bra." Then you began with your jeans.

As Jungkook was choosing the movie you made yourself comfortable in his bed waiting patiently. Once he was ready he only discarded his jeans leaving him in a t-shirt and boxers as well.

You laid their silent as the movie began until Jungkook turned to face you.

"What are we?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" You asked.

"Are we officially dating? We haven't gone out or told anyone."

"With school going on, I guess I never even realized." You admitted. "I have finals coming up and graduation."

"Wasn't sure if you were ashamed or..."

"Jungkook I'm not ashamed to go out with you. My friends know already. I'm not keeping it a secret or anything."

"But it's not exactly public either. I know it's weird because I'm younger then you-" He started but you cut him off.

"We're only a year apart. It's not a big deal." You giggled.

"I know but you'll be off to college soon and I'll still be in high school."

"Are you afraid that once I leave for school I'll forget about you?" You said surprised from his words.

"Honestly....yeah." He shrugged.

"I won't." You grabbed his hand. "I'm only going to school in the city. Can you handle a 20 minute drive?"

He didn't smile. He still felt worried. You being around more mature college boys, He was sure he was going to lose you.

"Jungkook. Its going to be okay. I will prove it to you, you'll see." You said tilting his head up. "Plus we still have 4 months together."

"Besides I've had my fair share of college boys, they suck." You smiled leaning in to kiss him passionately.

His kiss felt more desperately against your lips to your surprise. You can tell he was really hurting over this whole thing.

You leaned him down getting on top of him as you continued kissing him deeply. He was still being safe with his hands, not leaving your things.

You began to grind against him, stirring up tension. "Take this off." You said trying to catch your breath.

He did as he was told and pulled off his shirt so you can stare at his perfectly toned abs. "How does someone your age have a body like this." You bit your lip.

"I play a lot of sports." He said still being shy.

You just giggled and leaned back down kissing up and down his collar bone to his neck.

"Jungkook, stop being a gentleman." You said and went back to kissing him as you grabbed his hands and led them up your shirt so he can touch your chest.

You leaned back up and took off the shirt you were wearing to give him more access. You gyrated your hips against him as he played with your chest. You can feel his excitement underneath you causing you to smirk.

You moved down to take off his boxers as well as your own and you immediately grabbed his member guiding it in. You sat down comfortably and began to move your hips against him.

You combed your hair back as you bounced on him at a rapid pace as the pleasure took hold. The little squeaks from the bed worried Jungkook and hoped they didn't wake up his sisters.

"Fuck." You moaned softly.

You leaned down kissing his neck once again as he held on to your hips, causing him to thrust up into you quickly. His soft moans were driving you crazy.

Jungkooks eyes alerted to the hallway light turning on and the soft walks past his door to the next room over, which happened to be the bathroom.

"Fuck, we need to hurry." Jungkook panicked.

He quickly turned you over so he was on top and he thrusted into you as quick as he could. You bit down on his pillow to stop you from moaning as you were already coming undone. He was tired and once he started slowing down you knew he was ready. He thrusted against you weakly as his juices escaped him. He stopped and tried to catch his breath as he heard the bathroom door open.

He collapsed next to you, hoping one of his sisters don't enter and lucky the results was darkness once again.

"We shouldn't do this around them." He said.

"Nah, I think we just need more practice on how to be quiet." You smiled once last time as you eyes drifted off.

He held you tightly not letting go as you drifted off to sleep. He was falling in love with you, he knew that. But he still felt this wall in between you. A wall that scared him.

[cookieswriting]

Can’t Be Happening Pt. 5 (SEAL Team)

((I can’t believe we have to wait until MARCH for new episodes.  WHAT IS THAT?!?! NOT COOL MAN!!!! I will do my best to help break up the hiatus…there will be one more chapter after this one and then I’ll get started with some other ideas.  Don’t forget, let me know if you have any requests and I will do my best to make it happen!  BTW, totally making up Clay’s rank.  I know at one point they ID’d him as ‘sailor’ (when Ray was dealing with the whole accidental death of the boy) but A) he’d be called Seaman if he were a non-rate and B) from what I have been able to find, someone on an assault team like Bravo is a First-Class Petty Officer or higher, so he should have been addressed as SO1 not ‘sailor’, especially considering his experience leading other teams as they’ve mentioned several times.  But that’s my own personal nitpick ;) and I could also be wrong so there’s also that hahaha))

A dull throb drew Clay back into consciousness, but it took several minutes to figure out that it originated from...well, everywhere.  Whole left side of his body, middle...area of the right side of his body...face...there wasn’t a particular spot that he could identify as not aching.  

Memories hit him abruptly, of noticing movement in the shadows as he cleared a room chasing Doza’s right’ hand man after he fled the courtyard, of pushing Sonny back to the relative safety of the street and surrendering himself to the dozen men waiting for them.  The video...the brutal beating they’d given him despite his insistence that he didn’t know anything.  The agony of his leg being broken, and then...nothing.

Forcing himself to remain still, Clay listened to his surroundings.  When nothing stood out, he tested his ability to move, and felt panic threaten to seize him.  Despite the pain, his left arm was utterly immobile, and his right wrist was definitely bound to something.  Dammit.  

Voices filtered into wherever the hell he was, and Clay sank into his cover as he gave up on the pretense of unconsciousness.  “Please-” A wracking cough cut him off, and fresh agony stole his breath for a moment.  “I-I thought it was a restaurant...I don’t know anything.”

Hands pressed against his chest, careful of his shoulders...the first sign that maybe he was missing something.  “Stand down, Spenser...you’re safe.”

Davis.  Finally blinking against the bright lights above him, Clay took in the concerned face hovering above him and gave a relieved smile.  “Lis-” Another round of coughing, and she was gently pressing a straw against his lips.  

“Easy, Clay, drink slow.  Take a minute, get your bearings.  We’re back in Virginia.”  Clay looked down to see his left arm strapped firmly across his chest, likely to secure his dislocated shoulder.  He did raise a questioning brow, though, when he looked down to see his right wrist secured to the bed.  “This isn’t the first time you woke up.  First time you’ve woken up coherent enough to settle, though...you tore out your IV the first time trying to fight free before Sonny and Jase could hold you down and the doc could sedate you.”

After taking another long drink he nodded for her to take the cup away.  “How long has it been? Where are the guys?”  Man, his throat was like sandpaper.

Lisa grinned wryly as she pressed the call button.  “It’s been five days since you were taken, two since we made it back to Virginia.  The guys are at Command...getting a dressing down for going in after you I’m sure.  Not that any of them care, Blackburn has already gone to bat for them, so they will probably just be confined to base for a while.”  

Both turned their attention to the soft knock at the door.  “Hello there, SO1 Spenser, it’s good to see you alert. My name is Kelly. How are you feeling?”  A petite brunette walked in, clipboard in hand, and glanced at Lisa.

“Please, call me Clay.”  The nurse nodded with a kind smile.  “I’ve been better, that’s for sure...she’s fine to stay if she doesn’t feel like getting up, swear she knows more about any of us than we know about ourselves.”  He winked over at his friend, who seemed to visibly relax at his joke. “Everything hurts, not gonna lie...shoulders are both on fire...left moreso than right…”

“I can give you some stronger meds for that-”

“No, I’d rather not be hazy…”

“Clay,” Lisa interrupted gently. “You’re home, you’re safe, and I’m not going anywhere until the boys are back at the very least.  Take the relief.”

Kelly looked between them.  “How about I give you just enough to take the edge off without affecting your alertness?  And when you’re comfortable and ready to sleep, we’ll up the dosage then.  Sound fair?”  Clay relented with a nod, and remained silent as the nurse took his vitals, removed the strap from his right wrist, and checked his stitches.  Once she was finished, the nurse glanced shyly at the SEAL.  “Numbers are heading in the right direction, Clay.  Maybe once you’re healed up we could grab a drink?”

A sad smile tugged at the man’s lips as images of another beautiful brunette, this one encouraging him to hold on during his darkest moments, crossed his mind.  “I appreciate that, Kelly...but I’m not in a good place for that right now.”  She nodded and excused herself.  

Lisa watched the blonde man rest his head back against the pillow with a tired sigh.  “Did you know that Stella tried to call you the day that you were taken?”  

He winced at the mention of her name, gentle though it’d been.  He was too tired to mask his surprise.  “N-no...we, uh...we split up right before shipping out.  She’d dodged my first couple of calls when we got to Mexico.”

“She must’ve called right after you left for the mission...was trying to make things right.  She’s been with Naima since the…” Davis cleared her throat, looked away for a moment before continuing.  “Since the video was released.”  Clay felt a twist in his chest at the thought of Stella seeing what he’d been through.  Lisa stood and approached the bed, settling her hand over Clay’s uninjured arm.  “I’ve kinda taken over keeping in touch with Stella instead of Naima having to be the go-between for the guys.  They are...less than thrilled with her over what happened before we left, but I can see things closer to her perspective.  I’ve been stuck miles away and unable to do a damn thing as you, Jason and Trent went down in a chopper.  I have a little bit of a clearer understanding of what it feels like to be on her side of things.”  Watching Clay’s conflicted reaction, Lisa squeezed his bicep and shrugged.  “Maybe I wouldn’t have been so quick to forgive her...lapse of judgment if she weren’t so consistent in checking in since the moment the team got you back.  She’s following your lead, though, Clay...if you don’t want to see her again, she’ll back off.”

The wounded SEAL stared up at Lisa for a long moment, processing everything she’d said; that Stella had wanted to fix things before he’d been taken hostage...and still wanted to be with him even after what he considered to be the worst scenario she could’ve endured as his girlfriend.  “I...I need to see her...talk to her before I make any decisions.”  Lisa grinned.  “But I need to talk to the others first.”

“What you need to do first is rest.  The team will probably be another couple of hours.  You’re still healing, Clay...I don’t know how much you remember, but we came really close to losing you.  It’s going to take time to bounce back from this, so don’t push it, do you understand me?”

The SEAL couldn’t help his smirk, even as he lost the fight to keep his eyes open. Damn, if this woman doesn’t have some magical powers that bend us to her will, he thought. “Aye aye, ma’am.”

The last thing he saw before falling asleep was the affectionate grin on her face as she settled back into the chair near the door.

“C’mon, Ken Doll, Davis already gave you up, open those pretty blues, you’ve had enough time to sleep.”  The gruff voice that dragged Clay back from his slumber was accompanied by light pats on the cheek, and the young SEAL flinched away with a grimace.

“Really, Sonny?” Trent growled.  As Clay opened his eyes, the medic was tugging Sonny away from the bed.  

“I didn’t touch any of the bruises, but you can’t tell me you aren’t itchin’ to see him awake and talkin’ just as much as I am.”  When Sonny caught Clay’s gaze, the Texan lit up.  “There he is! Welcome back to the world of the living, GQ!”

“You wanna take it down a notch, Son?” Clay mumbled, turning his eyes to the rest of his room.  The entirety of Bravo Team was scattered around him: Sonny and Trent standing at his right side, Brock and Cerberus next to Lisa by the door, Jason and Ray to his left.  

“Sorry the caveman can’t keep quiet to save his life,” Lisa offered with a regretful smile.  Clay grinned back with a wink.

“How are you feeling, Kid?” Jason asked, voice soft.  

“Like hell,” he answered.  “What’s the damage for going rogue?”

The Team Leader shrugged.  “Couple weeks restricted to base, which is fine because it’s about how long you’ll be stuck in here anyway.”  Jason watched his youngest team member quietly for a moment.  “Before you ask, cause I know you will, Charlie team is taking over the hunt for Doza.”

Clay nodded his gratitude, chose not to respond to the fact that he’d be confined to this room for two whole weeks.  “Thanks for coming after me.”

Brock snorted.  “Like not bringing you home was even an option.”

“The only reason the cake-eaters gave us any hell is because we didn’t wait for their green light, couldn’t be made to look like fools for not responding faster,” Ray added.

The injured SEAL fidgeted for a moment, wishing that he could move his left arm - or leg...that he could find some kind of comfortable position as he prepared for what he was sure would be an uncomfortable conversation. He settled for raising the head of his bed so that he could at least be sitting up. “Hey, guys...I’m going to ask Stella to come by...to talk.”  Sonny opened his mouth to retort, but Clay held up his good hand, limited thought the movement was by his IVs.  “I know that you guys aren’t happy with what happened...but this is between me and her.  I don’t know if I’m going to let her back in or not…” He took a breath, both for rest and to steel himself for whatever arguments they might give.  “But I am asking that you trust my judgment, whatever I decide.”

“She let you deploy fresh off a breakup, and look at what happened,” Sonny insisted, his hands grasping at the bedrail and tightening.  When Clay looked up at him, the Texan was staring at the floor.  When he spoke again, guilt softened his tone.  “You took a stupid risk…”

Clay wrapped his fingers around Sonny’s wrist and waited until the older man met his eyes to respond.  “I recognized a threat to my team and a chance to protect my brothers.  I was first in the door, I looked most like just another tourist...I knew things wouldn’t have gone well if they were able to grab anyone else.  Breakup or not, I would do the exact same thing in any circumstance.  Stella had nothing to do with it.”  He squeezed until Sonny nodded his understanding, and then Clay glanced around to make sure the others heard him as well.  “I would gladly lay down my life for you, and I know you would do the same.  What happened with Stella...she tried not to have the conversation before we left.  I was the one who wouldn’t let it go until she told me what was bothering her.  It was just as much her fault as it was mine…”

“We’ll follow your lead, Spense.  It’s not an easy life...we don’t always get it right the first time around.  If this didn’t scare her off...not really sure what would,” Jason assured.  The rest of the team nodded their agreement, albeit reluctantly on Sonny’s part.  “Just be sure she’s back for the right reasons.”

Davis stood with a genuine smile.  “I’ll give her a call.  Looks like it’s time for you boys to clear out.”  She hesitated for a moment.  “Brock, you grabbed Clay’s stuff when we left Mexico, right?  Can you bring his laptop in here, give him something to do while he waits for her to get here?”  Clay narrowed his eyes at her for a moment, before he remembered her comment about the call he’d missed before being taken.

Ten minutes later, Clay was alone in the hospital room, laptop resting across his knees as he pulled up the video message that he’d never gotten to see.  He watches as the face of the woman he loved changed from forced optimism to guilt, tears filling her eyes as she apologized for hurting him and asked for the chance to fix it.

“I was so stupid for waiting so long to call you after Naima talked some sense into me the day you guys deployed.”  The blonde SEAL looked up to see Stella leaning against the doorframe, eyes red and watery. She refused to look anywhere but his face. “I knew within a few hours what I was going to do...but I was too embarrassed.  Maybe if I’d called sooner, things would’ve been different…” A tear slid down her cheek, and Clay closed the laptop with his good hand.  

“Stella, what happened wasn’t because of us breaking up.  What happened was because I needed to protect my team...my brothers.  I would’ve done it no matter how things were with us.”  He hesitated, knowing that this would be the defining moment for them.  “That’s not something that will ever change, Stell.  It’s my job to protect them, and I will do that with my dying breath if I have to.”

Fresh tears dripped to the ground as she dropped her gaze to the floor.  “I...I know,” she murmured, voice surprisingly certain.  When she returned her eyes to his, determination shone through.  Hesitant steps brought her to his right side, and when he canted his head towards her, she sat gingerly on the bed near his hip.  Clay refused to break her stare, reading every shifting emotion as it crossed her face, and instinctively laced their fingers when her hand settled over his.  Stella sobbed, and the vice grip around his heart eased.  “I love you for your devotion to your brothers, Clay.  I would never want that to change...and I’m sorry that I ever made you feel otherwise.  Bravo is your family...they’re part of you.  I regret giving up even a second of time being with you out of the fear of what might happen...but it’s shown me that I need to make the most of what time we do have together...to be grateful for every moment we are given together, and support you through every step, good or bad.”

Clay smiled softly at her, squeezing her fingers.  “If we do this again...I have to warn you, the guys are going to be hard on you for a while, until they feel confident you’re here for good.”  Hope swelled in his chest at her responding look of tenderness and the warmth of her hand against his cheek.  

“I would expect nothing less from the men who watch your back in life and death situations, as well as every other facet of your life.  I am prepared to do whatever it takes to prove to them that I’m not going to let my fear drive me away from you ever again.”  She stared into his eyes for a long moment.  “Are you willing to give me a chance to make things right?”

In lieu of responding verbally, Clay eased his hand around her waist and tugged her close to press his lips against her.  Finally, he was home.  Finally, he was whole again.  This woman, who’d already proven time and again that she belonged in his world, had come back to him even after the next worst thing to him actually being killed in action...and he would make damn sure she wouldn’t run again.  If her response to his kiss was any indicator, that wouldn’t be an issue; the SEAL drew back with a low hiss when they got too caught up in the moment, and she bumped his injured arm.  

“Shit, sorry, I’m so sorry…” Her hands hovered over his shoulders, wanting to fix it but not knowing what was safe to touch.  Clay chuckled at her and kissed her again briefly, wanting to assure her that he was okay.  Stella sat back, now serious, eyes tracing every visible bruise and cut, the bandages and outline of his casted leg beneath his bedsheet.  “When that video came on…”  He cradled her face when her lower lip began to quiver, and she leaned into his touch.  “I was out at the bar, and it didn’t even connect at first that it could be you.  One of the others, maybe...but my mind didn’t even let me process the possibility that it would be you.  I’ve never been so scared...and then Naima called me, within minutes.  Even knowing we’d broken up, not knowing I’d changed my mind...she didn’t give me a choice, I wasn’t going to be alone while you were gone.  I don’t know how I would’ve handled everything without her and the other wives.”

Clay made a mental note to thank Naima for calling Stella out when she’d needed it, and being the support she needed and never would’ve felt comfortable asking for.  “Ray’s got himself a special lady, and I’m glad she was there when you needed her most.”  Idly twirling a strand of brunette hair around his finger, the blonde took in her beautiful face and once again remembered when it had come to him in his darkest moment.  “You know, while they had me...there was a point where I hallucinated that you were with me.”  She tensed under his touch but didn’t respond, so he continued.  “You encouraged me to hold on, reminded me that the guys wouldn’t give up.  It gave me strength, got me through til they showed up.”  The sudden tears streaming down her face startled Clay, and he narrowed his eyes.  “What?”

“I...I had a nightmare the second day after you were taken...that I was with you.  I could smell the blood…”

The meaning behind her words tightened his chest, and he couldn’t help a grin.  “My very own guardian angel.  Hey,” he waited until she met his eyes again.  “I’m home, I’m safe, and most importantly, you’re here with me.  I love you, Stella; getting over this is going to royally suck on many levels, but I know that we’ll get through it together.”

[the-kipsabian]

*rolls o v e r* I want angst for UpbeatDreams: Especially just unsure Nate trying to cope with his feelings and trying to seek on what to do with just out right saying it? He would jus try to hint to his friends ( like mads or kit ) about the possibility of liking Ayu but he always back out and just plays it off as nothing when he’s questioned about it directly? Plus things probably get so chaotic when Natemare strikes, like the soft boy doesn’t have a lot on his plate already-

oh poor soft bois mmmmmwhy does asagao!nate come with so much angst he was supposed to be a pure happy boi lol

➭ nate is. actually really good at figuring out his feelings for people, like pretty early on he realizes that he wants to befriend ayu, then be closer to him, and eventually hes like heck yeah there are real feelings here! nate just. has hard time putting those into words and telling them to other people? not only just like the target of his admiration, but everyone. if someone asks if he likes someone, hes just gonna shrug and not admit them to anyone else than to himself

➭ so while he thinks talking to his friends about this and wanting to date ayu and take him out and smooch the violin boys precious little face, nate just. cant get anything out of his mouth? he starts with like ‘hey can we talk’ like somewhat serious actually and when he is sitting down with whoever he wants to talk about this nate just pulls a joke or two out and changes to subject (”hey i actually just wanted to ask about homework” “do you have any recent fave songs im looking for new stuff to cover” etc.). and people do notice that.. hes not being super genuine about what he wants to talk about, but since people know nate mostly as a very open person, they dont want to push the issue cause if they see its something he doesnt want to talk about, they are afraid pushing it will make his open personality die down and shut him off tbh

➭ only when its natemare it gets honestly out there. but with natemare’s case, since people dont take him super seriously with what he does and what he says (cause he throws around a lot of stuff and says things that people know not to be true and he jokes about everything terribly and yeah), it just kinda gets lost in translation. its taken as a cruel joke when nate(mare) goes on a ramble in ayu’s face how much he likes them, and that just. honestly doesnt end too well tbh (if we wanna combine this with the bffnate canon, this happens either during the halloween party, so kit will hear about this later but isnt present when it goes down)

➭ so ayu and nate have somewhat of a fallout at this point. ayu is hurt by the things said to him cause even tho it was basically a confession, the way it was framed it sounded like a condescending joke, hes just. nope ayu is just done with nate. who still does their best to get everything in order between them, like he doesnt really know what he did that hurt ayu so badly (probably multiple mutual friends are really yelling at him at the point cause nate what the hell) and he just. wants to make things right. and hes trying to also fix things between him and kit at the moment and its all such a mess and ugh

➭ and after the feather incident with kit, nate finally gets the courage together to actually make the decision to talk to ayu and try to fully figure it out. cause if what he did hurt kit like this, my god what could have this done to the boy he Liked? so nate finds one of those days where ayu has secluded himself to the recording booth with his violin, and nate tracks down this violin boy so its just the two of them in the studio and. hes going to take this chance to talk to ayu, nate is so determined to do this, like usually he gives in if people dont wanna do something with him, but my god he just NEEDS to talk with ayu no matter what

➭ so its. kinda awkward. ayu doesnt wanna be there with the boy who hurt their feelings like that, nate wants to know whats wrong.. and ultimately after a somewhat heated conversation ayu lets it out cause hes just exhausted and wants nate to leave him alone cause he cant take it and just. blurts out everything that natemare told him about nate feelings for him that halloween night and ayu is trying to keep himself together while nate just quietly stares at him like. i said that? cause thats. all true tho im sorry it had to come up like that but its true

➭ and like ayu is getting anxious but he allows nate to hug him cause the sincere concern over this crying boy and the apologetic eyes nate have are genuine and ayu can sense that and nate just. stands there with him in the booth holding him close and petting his hair like. im sorry i did all that. it didnt mean to let it out like that, ive been wanting to tell you but not this way nope this isnt how i wanted to make it happen and im so sorry it came out so wrong but. i do like you. forgive me please?

➭ ayu is kinda hesitant but nate is seriously sorry and wants to better himself so. he is forgiven. to which nate responds with a happy smile, another quick hug to ayu and a kiss on the cheek, promising to leave ayu to play in peace again but they should have breakfast tomorrow together and nate leaves him there all confused and blushing cause was thAT A KISS AND A DATE INVITE???

(➭ the following morning they have breakfast together and nate. sneakily finds ways to hold ayu’s hand whenever he can, during breakfast and walking to class and it just. kinda builds up from there tbh. slow and steady and they like never exactly talk about it being official or anything like that, it just kinda happens little by little over time aaaaaa)

[chickenfetus]

ALL MY EGG (and for the four names: jae, killer kang, minhyuk (whichever one), and santa

deadass i did the 100 questions ask meme for this ask and almost posted it rip

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

theres literally nothing i dont even know what to say ???? 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

not 2 be delusional but i would give up my world to hug changkyun

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

glaceon is UP THERE idk why honestly but the sinnoh games were my first and i just??? i was really into ice and snow and shit u know so glaceon... thakn u

another pkmn ill always have is lucario ????? its just so cool?????

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

hopefully forgiveness and like???? acknowledging mistakes and learning from those u know jst positive stuff and like?? water. god i love water

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

hm okay i think this one was from last night or the night b4??? and like???? idk???? i dont even know how 2 start tbh?

so im like hanging over at this two kid’s im a kid 2 i think place and idk we just talk and shit??? idk whomst the boys were tho

and then we get to a scene where its like??? at a train station???? and i go to the washroom to shit or smth idk thankfully i didnt shit myself irl

then i have to get onto the train which isnt even a train its like a carousel with seats??? and its like on a train track boys this is 2 much and i forgot to get ready my train card thing so the guy (who i was p sure was evil) waited for me to remove it so i got onto the transportation device lmao

and then once im seated i remember i forgot my jacket so i make like hand movements 2 the creep and hes runnig 2 me with my jakcet but the ride’s way too fast so i yell and say ill come back for it even tho im p sure i wasnt going 2

after that i wke up wild

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i dont have a best friend and all of my friends have their own unique qualities if i went into a rant abt them rn this will b so long

😘 talk about your crush or partner

[minhyuk voice] theres none

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya bc im petty but it really depends on the person

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

my personality (the good parts)

my values

my taste in friends (my Big Friends are either geminis or scorpios good)

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

the dark and bitch isnt gonna turn off her night light any time soon

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

seeing my favourite happy, listening to the music i like 

💙 what annoys you about some people?

i jjust went into a full out rant abt this on the other reply so ill be quiet now

😤 do you get angry easily?

yeahhhhh 

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

my faves tbh

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

bad people , gone.

everybody only sends love and happy things on anon

i just want everyone 2 b nice & friendly wars of any sort dont exist and no one wants anybody dead

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

if u sent jae’s name earlier id have trouble so im glad

kiss: tihis is so fucking embarrassing wtf minhyku (mx) but only on the cheek basically everywhere except the lips or anyplace weird

befriend: brian :-0

kill: jae goodbye loser

marry: sanha we can yell every time we gotta turn the lights off

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

tokyo bc its NICE

☕️ talk about your ideal day

cant read

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

i suddenly thought of the word ambivore which made me think of the word vore i wanna delete im a both? mayb idk

💧 when was the last time you cried?

nov 3 bc my heart hurts whenever i see ppl being a bad friend

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

oh worm

all alone - day6

with you - astro

dramarama - mx (even though it isnt out yet lmao)

run - bts (the superior bts song)

hellevator - / (i was rly gonna make this mixed languages but rip)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

to fly bc im basic

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont do that

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

nobody in general????????? 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

intelligence i have 2 live somehow what if my money gets stolen

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my humor

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i (barely) know chinese despite having 2 take it all my life legends only

i know english but im bad at that 2 and its my first language once again legends only

i wanna learn japanese and korean 

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

the cow from voltron 

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

weve already discussed this

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

oh w-0rm ok so im a regular anon on this persons blog and i wanted to send an ask but never got arnd doing it so im gonna send her one. soon/

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

let me live my life as a furry and cat

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

are u ready 4 me to b the meanest person yet bc i sure am lets fucking go

so theres this girl. and i know her (unfortunately) and ive known her since like 4 years ago and back then she was already pretty shit tbh

she cried bc she had to sit in between the “weird” and “dirty” girls in our class and she headass cried in front of them and everyone just bc she didnt like the arrangement?? shes called the “dirty” girl disgusting before and has made fun of her in front of everybody its just bad :-/

now. fast forward 3 years and in addition to still being disrespectful and rude, she now vocalizes her weird fantasies for her “oppas”??? some examples: 

“when i go watch __ perform im gonna climb onto stage and then my mother and my future husband will fight for me” and she calls those kpop idols weird shit and basically sexualizes them/???? she says the weirdest fucking shit on her ig story and tags them??????? 

another thing. she went to korea nd took a picture of a complete stranger and posted it on her public ig and called him her “oppa” and said that they had a “fun day together” despite the guy not knowing her at all???? she posted the pic of him??? i still dont get it tbh 

she wasnt even being ironic at all??? she calls herself & classmates “autistic” whenever she/others do smth dumb or mess up and its just sososososo fucking wrong

being one of the people to see how shes basically grown from bad to worse is something i dont fucking enjoy and i jsut want to leave my class already lmao 

ok but there are times where i do appreciate her because sometimes the class will be rly quiet and the teacher is basically talking 2 themselves but she’ll always respond w/o fail so thats great but its only bc she talks so damn much 

i just got a flashback to when she “jokingly” said she wanted to be a trainee for the rest of her life how do i just. god

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

we’ve once again already discussed this

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be various things honestly?? ranging from an astronaut to a vet to an editor to an animator to other stuff i get influenced pretty easily so if i watch smth and i think its cool ill want 2 be that i guess?? ive been trying 2 get rid of that habit so now i have no clue what i wanna be

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

sweets and chocolate cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

drinking water and staying hydrated

making my friends laugh is great 2

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

acne LMAO 

😪 what are you sick of?

the usual

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i love scouting on sif and bandori so yeah 

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

lets not 

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

to a certain extent

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

use my phone???? send nice anons and comment on art/fics 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

none

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

my tolerance for ppl’s shit is so low

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

my ocs

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i dont have a dream hence myself

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

infpt i dont rmb shit but yeah

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

falen i dont rmb what u sent

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont follow any :-o zendaya has had my heart ever since shake it off tho

🐴 opinion on day6?

ur rly gonna do this 2m e?

all alone just started playng this is terrible lets get it

so day6. a band i only found out about in late june (thank u boxy) and before this i only ever listened to bts and mx bc my friends stan them so i thought i was gonna expect boys dancing, the usual. 

i clicked i smile and i lost my fucking shit as soon as i saw the instruments because prior to day6 i was a big 5sos fan so this was rly resonating to me tbh and i was just !!! so fukcng excited??? i never intended to even get into day6 honestly??? but after witnessing how good they are and watching about all of the available mvs at that point i was completely in awe so i caved a created a stan twitter for them.

now, this isnt even the most of it. after becoming a fan i realized how much more these 5 boys are. they compose (if im not wrong) and brian writes lyrics for the songs each month because of their everyday6 project and again, im wow-ed because??? the amount of dedication???? they went from releasing 2 title tracks in 2 years to releasing 12 title tracks and 12 bside tracks in a single year. they havent released the december song yet but haviing to work on 2 or more songs in 4 weeks is fucking amazing if you ask me. 

theyre really talented and theyre just so versatile (am i using that word correctly) and each month their songs sound different. this project has given them the opportunity to try new things and you can hear the steady improvement in each of their vocals (dowoonie not so much since he barely gets lines, but we all know hes working hard) and if you listen to their debut song - kongchu and compare it to the version they released along with sunrise it just???? the drumming has even changed from the original version nd its so noticeable that whenever i hear kongchu from 2015 i know its the old ver

to add to those, they do vlives every week and although those vlives are always scheduled it still makes my day seeing them and watching them do the usual. 

one thing im upset about is that how they barely promote themselves, they rarely get on variety shows (the most is individual schedules) and we, as mydays never really get to know the boys so its harder to fall for them as a whole. i dont know if its jyp or day6′s decision but if this is how they want to be known for - their music only, then so be it. we still have jae’s presence on youtube, music access and asc. thats the most we can get and it makes it difficult for us to learn about the rest but thats okay.

another thing. their concerts are something i always look forward to (even though my interest has died down a bit;) their concerts are just so fun to listen to?? there’ll always be mydays who stream the concert so everyone else can listen to them play and they sound so good live it drives me crazy. mydays are always so hyped and whenever mydays sing along it just gives me goosebumps??? bc theyre so???? good????? 

tldr; day6 deserve more, following wise and promotions wise because they work so hard and once this project ends i hope they’ll manage to rest but still remain as a presence that will be known instead of returning to jyp’s dungeon.

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

there are days where i am more emotional than usual 

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

this is tiring

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i sleep and boy it really helps

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

rest

🌍 which country do you live in?

singapore

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

lame funny swag

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“rocky swag” - park minhyuk, 2017

💭 do you keep a diary?

nope

💫 who inspires you?

brian kang 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

yes bc i love losing sleep

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

terrible

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

i watched spiderman homecoming and i have no idea why i didnt see the plot twist coming but its GOOD watch it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

theres none lads

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

all my internet buddies but sometimes i dont want to bc im kinda....gross

[nanigma]

Ive been meaning to apologize to you properly i really did not wanted to get under your skin but i have just word things real poorly which makes me sound real arrogant. Hope you can forgive me and if not i'll just get out of your way and wish you the best

First of all, “Gays are disgusting and should not exist” was NOT the intention. But using the word “insult” though true for some, was an insult in itself. For that I must apologise. Initially the ask was more than 5 times longer, but character limitations meant many cuts, changes and it got more blunt in order to fit. Then I got tired and sent it as is, I’m sorry for that too. So I have done what I should have in the last ask; split it (whether you intend to carry on reading or not). This is 1/6

2/6. Wouldn’t IS give the option for characters to choose from either gender if that were the case? They could exchange half the S-supports with ones of the same gender and keep the overall amount for constraint concerns, or laziness. The fact that it is made in Japan who still withholds traditionalism and by mostly older men who grew up in that environment supports this theory.     

3/6. Even for fictional characters fans like to delve into every aspect of characters as if they were real. It helps to know all about them to write about them. So I assumed your thoughts on Leo were concrete; doesn’t help that your analysis of characters are logical and that others say similar too, so it feels like heterosexuals are looked down on or overshadowed by LGBT that has taken the media by storm. This is where my questions arose from. I guess this is what LGBT community have felt.             

4/6. I don’t recall many LGBT events in the medieval era, but in the ancient times of Romans and Celts they existed as the norm. Since the subject was mostly about Leo I was asking in terms of royalty as well, for their line that must carry on it seems to make more sense for heterosexual relationships to be the norm - anything outside of that can go on whichever path they like because they aren’t restrained by royal duties or for some social barriers.

5/6. If I could change Camilla’s armour I would, along with Charlotte’s, Nyx, Kagero, Ophelia, the berserker and Oni classes and do something with Orochi’s top. I would also give F!Corrin leggings like her male counterpart, and make them better in the story that matches with their support conversations so people would stop bullying them. I blame the developers for that. But even if I could change it the damage is done, and people will continue to hate.

6/6. (It seems that you can only ask 5 times before waiting around an hour) And I guess I do have a case of homophobia, its something that I’m still trying to understand and get used to. Though not outright crushing, I do appreciate some of the same gender. Is this what you mean by “…fall in some place in-between.”? Then yes, this would relate to everyone. 

(Very long answer below the cut)

Like I said yesterday, I really appreciated this ask (series) and know how much courage it must have taken you to do so (yes, even on anon). I do admit, that some of the things you said really got under my skin, but that was mostly because it’s a very sensitive topic for me, not because your ask was particularly hostile. It was worded very.. unfortunately, true, but I could tell you weren’t outright malicious. You also caught me at a bad time I guess.

1) I didn’t actually think you were trying to say that, but I feel it’s the feeling behind the word “insult”. Of course, you didn’t intend that word either, butI didn’t back then. I just feel that being “offended” (only word I can find right now) by someone elses private headcanon (of a character being bi in this case), is, well, that person’s own problem.. As long they aren’t trying to force their headcanon on others, people are entitled to believe whatever they want about a character. If you really cannot deal with seeing someone elses’ headcanon, unfollow that person or ask them to tag the posts that talk about it. Ultimately, people should be able to talk about their interpretations on their private blogs, and it’s on you to avoid whatever you cannot deal with.

2) Again, whatever Intsys thinks or intended about the characters doesn’t affect my headcanons.. that’s literally the definition of it. Something that is canon to me, and not canon canon. I am sure they didn’t intend for Leon to be viewed as LGBT, but they know that catering to fangirls is a straight way to $$$, so they probably think of adding bi options in the first place as fanservice or something. I am definitely calling Death of the Author on this one. Their intentions matter zilch to me when I analyze the game. It’s only fair, since my opinion, on it’s own, matters zilch to them either, and I doubt I am going to convince them of making Leo bi in canon. My only way to respond is sharing headcanons which I feel make sense with the established facts… not rewriting the script. I don’t see how I am not allowed to do that because it’s not official canon. Most of fandom is build on headcanons, and I am sure you have your own ideas about a story that the author either didn’t specify or clearly didn’t intend. We are’t just mindlessly consuming media like gospel. Each and every one of us walks away with a different interpretation of it. And I think that can be very beautiful and sometimes even better than what happened in canon.

3) My thoughts on Leon, are that his relationships with men are very close in a way that’s more relaxed and feels more intimate to me than with many of his S-ranks. Part of that has to do with not being reminded of Camilla, but I also feel like there is something he shares with Takumi in particular that he doesn’t with anyone else. If you interpret it as friendship, that’s fine by me. I just think there’s something else to it, and I love being able to explore it in fandom. There are certainly people in the fandom that bash hetero couples, but I find a lot of the time those people are straight themselves and often in it to fetishize gay people/relationships anyway. But for those who don’t do this… you have to understand fandom is a tiny bubble compared to the mainstream audiences. It’s a safe haven for many, who can get pretty aggressive in defending what they believe is “their turf”. Because outside of it.. if you say a certain character is gay/bi/other you’ll get disbelief at best and outright hostility at worst. LGBT are alienated from many places, so they tend to be very concentrated wherever they aren’t. Doesn’t mean it’s a good thing to try and drive out others of course. I do have “straight” ships myself, and I am always annoyed when people try to prevent me from shipping them. (As you can tell, I am very adamant on being allowed to “do my own thing” no matter which side).

4) There were multiple non-straight monarchs in medieval times (though opinions vary of course and records are fragmented from those times). Like William II (either gay or ace) or Edward II (probably bi or gay) to name only English examples. Of course, producing an heir is always an issue for royalty, (or aristocrats in general) and it’s certainly interesting to think of Leon being faced with it, which more than one fic has explored in the past. He may deal with it like Philippe, Duke of Orléans did: Fathering kids in an arranged marriage while having male lovers. Or relying on Xander and his sisters (whose offspring are still considered royalty) to keep the line going. Birthright is the only scenario where he is outright forced to have an heir himself, and again, that doesn’t exclude potential lovers, though I admit I don’t imagine him taking one in that route.

5) So you agree the developer’s can be very frustrating sometimes haha;; Anyway, I mainly just pulled out Camilla as an example for unrealistic armour, because I am so used to people who pull the medieval argument being very selective when it comes to the stuff (such as certain GOT fans ardently defending the sexism as historical, but not batting an eye at shaved armpits and anachronistic dresses). My point was that Fates is in a fantasy world and does not adhere to medieval standards in multiple ways, nor does it have to since it’s explicitly not a historical documentary (though I do wish they’d tone down the fanservice too). It just can’t be judged by them, since it’s a product of the 21st century.

6) Being able to admit that is already a good sign, since it involves a lot of self-reflection. I am sure it’s hard to overcome one’s ingrained beliefs, and it takes a lot of time, but I think you are on the right track. So long as you try to keep an open mind about things and educate yourself I am sure you’ll continue to make progress. And yes, I think that most people experience some form of “attraction” (sexual or romantic) for either gender, just to varying degrees. I am glad I could explain this to you, and thank you for taking the time to consider it. 

[illyriantremors]

Beneath the Stars Chapter 16

Chapter: I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV

AO3 Linkage

Summary: It's finally the night before Starfall and Feyre is still a storm of paint about her room when Nesta drops by to confront the issues between them and leaves a little extra surprise behind for Feyre to use at the dance. Sister feels happens.

Chapter 16

I spent the next three and a half weeks living in a daze. Rhys and I continued to dance circles around each other enjoying the thrill of no longer ‘if’ but ‘when’ and I couldn’t stop smiling. Classes felt easier, juggling work and school wasn’t quite the chore I had once feared, and I was painting almost non-stop in every spare bit of downtime I had.

Rhys liked to tease me that it was all his doing - ‘your muse’ he’d coined himself for me. I typically responded with a thick smear of paint under his nose in the fashion of a terribly unkept mustache a sick shade of green.

I felt happy.

Happy enough that I’d even opened a few college applications to art schools in the state to at least consider applying to. The deadlines were looming, but I wasn’t quite so petrified at the thought of just applying as I was when my counselors first handed me the packet now sitting open on my desk.

And it would sit there for at least one more night because tomorrow was Starfall and regardless of Morrigan’s pleas to sleep over and have a girl’s night, I had my own way of prepping.

With paint.

My room had become a galaxy of color since coming back from the camping trip. I hadn’t left a single nook or cranny untouched, save for the ceiling. The gallery had rented me some ladders to climb towards the tops of my room where I couldn’t reach on my own. With the way the ceiling slanted to gather in a point, painting it was tricky, but I was determined to get the stars up there exactly the way they’d been when I’d fallen asleep underneath them with Rhys.

“Knock knock - holy shit.”

The faint rapping on my door startled me, not enough to take a nosedive off the ladder, but turning around to find Nesta gaping at my room nearly did.

“You’ve been... busy,” she said.

“Yeah, well, when the mood strikes.” I offered a weak chuckle and stepped off the ladder.

Nesta’s hair, a slightly darker shade of blonde than my own, was pulled back into a braid, the shaved side starting to grow out. Her lips weren’t quite so dark as she normally colored them, but her black suede booties kept her sharp. She had a decent sized square box in her hands. I nodded at it.

“What’s in the box?”

As though the words were too physically painful to say, Nesta grimaced and held the box out to me.

“What, for me?”

“Don’t open it now, okay? Just - here.” She set it in the corner of the room, well away from the paints, and then took a seat on my bed. I’d positioned it smack in the middle of the room right under the ceiling light so that I could have my choice of skies to look at when I fell asleep.

Nesta gave me a hard once over cutting into my clothes, my demeanor - everything. “You’ve changed,” she said. There was nothing judgmental about the statement. Just noticing pure, simple fact.

“I suppose so. You’re different too somehow - I think.”

“You didn’t come for Thanksgiving.”

That took me back a step.

“Well, no. I didn’t.”

“Elain said you had called. She was hoping maybe you’d changed your mind about not coming, but she couldn’t get a hold of you the next day.”

My cell reception at the campgrounds had been horrible. It was no wonder she couldn’t get a hold of me.

“Funny, I had been sort of hoping the same thing about you.”

I counted my breaths waiting for her to snap at me that what I did was mean, that I had no right to dare imagine she and Elain might choose dad over mom for once; that I should have considered mom and her feelings more, shown up. But it didn’t happen. Instead she sort of softened, her shoulders slumping at her side.

“I thought you might have. I guess that’s why you ran off. Dad said you went camping?”

“Well... yeah.” Surprised she was being so reasonable, I took the seat next to her on my bed curling one foot up and tucking it below my knee. “I was actually going to call you both and let you know I’d decided to come. Or, I was trying to decide that. But dad started drinking and look, I know what you’re going to say so you don’t have to waste your time. I figured out that you guys were right. He’s not okay.”

Nesta’s face ran in a hard considering line. Her lips pursed to one side as she puzzled over me. “I’m sorry.”

Almost immediately, not quite sure that I’d heard her right, I twitched. “You’re what?”

“I’m sorry,” she said again, shaking her head this time. “I’m supposed to be your older sister and look out for you, and instead I wrote you off and then blew up in your face for it and left you here with dad anyway. And I’m sorry.”

“Oh my - shit, Nesta, no. I’m sorry. I should have listened to you - and Elain. You were right about dad… I can’t take care of him on my own. And I’m sorry I let my anger get in the way of seeing it.”

She looked up at my handiwork on the ceiling, the progress I’d made so far, and sighed. Her hands rested limply in her lap, palms up and open, exposed. She could have been praying at the altar - the gods forgive us both.

“Maybe we can both be sorry. We each chose a parent when we should have been taking care of ourselves. We’re sisters.” She paused until she was looking back at me, her normally cold stare dissipated into remorse - grief. “Maybe from now on, we can choose each other?”

And in the sweet aching relief I had always yearned to feel, I found myself softly smiling back. “I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”

Nesta explained how she’d felt when I didn’t turn up to see mom and consequently, how mom had felt. She still thought I was being unfair, but she understood the severity of what must have happened that night she left if it meant I’d made my choice in dad for good.

Similarly, I told her about dad and what he’d said and why it was the only thing that kept me from going. Without mentioning Rhys by name, I told her I’d realized I shouldn’t be so quick to take mom for granted. Who knew how long she’d be around? I’d already missed out on so much with her in little more than half a year.

We both agreed for the first time possibly ever and decided we’d each make an effort to be more present in each other’s lives. Nesta was staying the night so she could see me off to the dance the next day, something dad had called and asked her to do, and I told her to tell mom she could expect me to visit over Christmas now that we were going on break the day after the dance.

Unfortunately because of the flooding and short time notice, we’d had to push the dance back by a week so that it fell squarely on the winter solstice just after semester finals had ended in order to secure the venue I’d suggested to Rhys and Mor. But as long as we got our Starfall, we didn’t care how many students complained about it being so close to Christmas.

I bid Nesta goodnight and left her in my room for the safety of a long, hot shower where I gratefully scrubbed the bits of dried paint off my skin. I looked like a Christmas tree standing in the mirror.

When I came back to my room, Nesta was gone, but she’d moved the box she had deposited in the corner when she’d first come in and set it on my bed. It was ordinary, white with black lines around the edges, no noticeable label or markings. I took the lid off and found a small note resting atop a pile of tissue paper.

Despite what you think, mom and dad don’t pay all of our bills. Some of us work for a living while we go to school. Elain and I would be forever disgraced if we let our stupid baby sister show up looking anything less than perfect at her senior dance. I hope it fits.

The note toppled out of my hands floating with a flourish to the floor as I read over the last four words. Not ready to dare imagine this was what I thought it was, I slowly unfolded the wrappings and jumped back with a loud cry, my hands covering my mouth.

The dress was - nothing short of magical.

I ran down the stairs nearly falling out of the towel I’d wrapped around me and burst into Nesta’s room without preamble. “What the hell, Feyre?!” she shouted. I responded by jumping on her bed and attacking her in an all-encompassing embrace worthy of Morrigan.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, I love it!”

“Get off me,” she said huffy, but as I pulled away, I caught the small smile tugging at her lips. I kissed her atop the head.

“I love you, Ness.”

“I love you too, brat. Now get out - fuck.”

I wasn’t even angry as I left the room cackling like a mad woman.

xx

[torreygazette]

A Grief Remembered

The day my mother died was a rainy one.

My dad later told us that it seemed like every significant day in their marriage minus their actual wedding had been a rainy one. I remember how disgusting that day was. The rain was heavy and the humidity made it feel like you were swimming through the air.

Today marks a year since that day. It occurred to me that I had not reflected on what it was like in the days leading up to and including her last day here on this earth.

A few weeks before she died, shortly after Thanksgiving of 2016, my mother lapsed into a comatose state. The doctors had been giving her pain medication, but the cancer that ravaged her liver had slowed down the processing of those medicinal substances. The comatose state was the result. We had to wait for her liver to filter the medicine. I had driven down from San Marcos for the weekend when my father told me her current state. I sat in the hospital room, listening quietly while the family members around me softly cried and tried talking to my mom. I had tears in my eyes, too, but my allergies were extraordinarily bad that day. Nevertheless, it seemed to make my family feel better that I was crying with them albeit not for the same reasons.

Different family members and friends came in and out of the hospital room trying to get my mom to respond in some way. At one point it was just my father, my brother, our next door neighbors, and me in the room. My father asked me to sing to her, that maybe she would hear and respond. I didn’t think it would, but it didn’t hurt to try. I began to softly sing “It Is Well with My Soul” as I stood by her bed and held her hand. The next door neighbor joined me after a verse, and she sang a lovely harmony. My father had tears in his eyes. My brother began to sob and left the room. My mother remained unresponsive through the final notes of the song.

A few days later, she woke up.

Just A Smirk

My father told me that the doctors had recommended no further treatment, as her body was already too weak and the cancer had spread too far. They gave an incredibly vague timeline of three days to three weeks before she died. He told me they were sending someone over to talk about hospice options later that afternoon.

When the hospice attendant came, he began talking and I stopped listening. The majority of our immediate family was in there; my grandparents were listening with tears streaming, my father held my mom’s hand and smiled softly, my brother just stared at the man. But I caught my mother’s eye. I smirked at her. She smiled weakly back at me. I don’t know what she took from my smile. I had meant to convey all the love and affection that I held for her, telling her with a smirk that everything was going to be okay—even as her body was ravaged by cancer and death lurked at the door. Later that evening, I took her hand in mine. I don’t remember the conversation that followed, but I do remember toward the end of it she said, “I’m going to miss you, Michael.”

In hindsight, I’m surprised I didn’t burst into tears. I think I responded with something like, “You won’t even be worried about me. But I’ll miss you.”

Finally, she was moved to hospice. My father opted to not take her home that she could have twenty-four-hour care from professionals. I think it was also on his mind not to place a greater burden on my mother’s parents. I think I was able to see her twice at the hospice facility. Both times, I walked in to see her in her bed, free of wires, tubes, and IVs, hopefully, a little more comfortable.

For roughly six months, she had greeted me with “I love you.” This day was no exception, except that I finally understood why when she whispered it to me that day. She didn’t know how much longer she was going to be able to see me, or how many times she would get to tell me that she loved me.

I don’t remember the final words my mom and I shared. I only remember helping my grandmother clean as my mom got sick, my dad’s constant presence, and holding her hand as we both fell asleep. Time was up, however, and I had to work the next morning in San Marcos. I kissed my mother, hugged her, and (hopefully) told her I loved her. And then I left, never to see her alive in this world again.

Two days later, I woke up to rain. I got up, made my coffee, and headed to church. Everything was normal, but it didn’t feel like it. When I finished teaching Sunday school, my best friend asked if she could come with me to see my mom. For whatever reason, I said, "No, perhaps another day." Something about the day didn’t feel right.

So I drove in the rain. Fast—what my mom always said not to do. I was hungry. I texted my dad, told him I was almost to the hospice facility and asked if I had time to stop for food. When he responded that they would wait for me, I asked again, “Do I have time to stop for food?”

“No,” he said.

I pressed the gas pedal down a bit further.

When I arrived at the hospice facility, the lot was empty. The only two people standing right outside its doors were my father and brother. And that’s when I knew for sure. I quickly got out of my car and walked up the stairs to them. Neither greeted me, my father only half smiled through tears, and then both he and my brother buried their faces in my chest, sobbing. I held their heads against me, trying to control my own breathing.

A minute passed, and I walked into the facility, past the front desk, past my already mourning family, and into my mother’s room. I choked back a sob and grabbed her hand, alarmed that it was already cold. 

A host of things followed. More family came through, some of my brother’s coworkers came by, and some of my friends came too. One brought me a bottle of chocolate milk.

I remember excusing myself to use the restroom, whereupon I collapsed on the floor, unable to stop the tears and sobs from exiting me. Believe me or not, it was at this point that I forced myself to whisper the Gloria Patri:

“Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit; as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end.”

Perhaps it was a bit sanctimonious, but I had to force myself to say it. I truly meant it, and I could feel unbelief wanting to corrode the hope I had in the forgiveness of sins and the resurrection of the body, and the eternal life that my mother had already begun to share in. Despite pain, anger, loneliness, and grief, I felt a joy that my mother was no longer in pain. So I had to confess with my mouth.

We finally took our leave of the hospice facility and returned home. I arrived first. With a friend’s help, I began to clean out our refrigerator which had begun to smell in due to the absence of my family. More family members began to arrive and a man from my old church brought Bill Miller’s for us eat. I don’t even remember if I ate or not, I just remember having a couple beers.

For some reason, they chose to go into my parents’ room to return some items that my father had with him, and to sort through some of my mother’s jewelry. I remembered that when I was young, I had bought her a pair of clip-on earrings from a thrift store that were gold colored and set with fake sapphires. She never really wore them, because she was a grown woman who didn’t want to wear clip-on earrings, and she preferred wearing silver jewelry. I searched for those clip-on earrings that night in every nook and cranny in her dresser and couldn’t find them. I broke down in hysterical sobs, truly uncontrollable this time, as my hands scrambled to find the stupid little gift I gave my mom.

I don’t remember much else from that day. The last memory I have is falling asleep between my father and brother in my parents’ bed.

The next morning, I was sitting in my adolescent psychology class at 11 am. I still had assignments to complete, finals were the following week, and I had offered to plan, sing, and speak at my mother’s funeral. But the week flew by, and everything got done, by the grace of God.

And suddenly, a year has passed by.

Not Left Orphans

I miss my mom. I feel very lost some days. Her death has left me in a dark mood for a whole year. I’m told that doesn’t go away but recedes some. She left a gaping hole in my family, at her job where it took three people to replace her, and in my own life. As a son who has lost a mother and the deep ache that I still feel, as though a part of me is gone, I cannot imagine my grandparents who have lost a daughter, or my father who has lost his wife.

The monotony of my life in the last year has almost driven me mad. The silence in my life has almost done the same. Her death was a catalyst in my life for many unfortunate scenarios.

I couldn’t help but feel and utter those terribly selfish words “Why me?” I am but the youngest of those who knew her well, which means, to my utter dismay, that I had the least amount of time with her. My grandparents saw each of her 52 years. My aunt had 44 years, my father had over 32 years, and even my brother had 25 years.

I think of the twenty years I was able to spend with her, despite being cognitive for even less time, and I feel slighted. But then I remember a friend of mine from childhood who lost his mother around age 6. I remember the friends of mine in high school who lost their mother sophomore year. Or another friend who lost their mom just after they had graduated. They all would count me more fortunate than them for the additional years I was able to share with my mom.

A year later I feel more like a child than I did when I planned her funeral nearly alone. I feel less equipped to deal with prolonged loss and grief than the immediate shock when I was forced to act. I am trying so hard to not wallow in the grief of “why me” to the extent that I forget the grief of my family who need me. I am trying so hard to remember that I need them as well. I am trying to fit into my mother’s shoes, helping my family where I can, being with them where I can, and mediating where I can. But I am twenty-one. And I am scared of the future. I still have so much to deal with in my own mind, how can I help those around me?

Or perhaps these must happen simultaneously.

I am told by those who have lost their parents that the first year is the hardest. And it has indeed been hell. But despite my wandering heart and the incredibly incessant wave of depression and unbelief, I have hope. I struggle to keep it, but I have it. Of course, I do not worry about my mother. She is beyond all harm and woe. But for my family, I have hope that we might heal. I have hope that we might grow in Christ and with each other due to this tragedy. I have hope that we might delve deeper into the truth of what it means to be Christians, bonded both by baptism and the blood flowing in our veins. I have hope that we might be kept steadfast in the faith, that we might see Jesus and my mother when He raises us from the dead.

I can no longer run to my mother for hurt, help, or a hug. She is no longer able to defend me like lioness of a mother that she was, nor is she able to counsel me with her incredibly sharp mind. Once upon a time, the idea of not being able to help her family would have driven her crazy. But even her faith has been made perfect in death. And I have this image of Mary, the mother of Jesus, the Theotokos, greeting my mother as she came into glory and reminding her that I, too, am entrusted to her Son. And that is the safest place I can be.

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live.” – John 14:18-19

“His grief he will not forget; but it will not darken his heart, it will teach him wisdom.” – J.R.R. Tolkien