#ive been so unaware of my body and ive been crashing into furniture a lot and im so dissociated lately😭

[vanillabat99]

I am having a rough week. Been stuck in bed for a few days, lots of pain and fatigue, week-long migraine that is still haunting us, didn't sleep last night, and our glasses are broken ._. There's still a doctor appointment, therapy appointment, and now an optometrist appointment, and then I have my anniversary (one good thing!!) and it is all so much to deal with.

[radioleary-blog]

Golden-gate

You know what this week’s topic is. A scandal, not on the level of Watergate, perhaps, but it’s a political scandal and that means we have to attach the suffix “-gate” to it. Let’s call it...Golden-gate. An unsubstantiated report was released just ten days before Trump’s inauguration after circulating for months, among the claims that journalists have not been able to verify is that Trump hired prostitutes to perform “golden showers” in front of him. Now, surprisingly, there were a whole lot of people who had never heard that term before, and it was quickly trending as a top google search. Many innocent, non-perverted people had conjured up some naively wholesome ideas as to what a “golden shower” might be. “Is it a party for your fiftieth anniversary, I wonder?” Well, yeah, sure, it could be, if the kids are all moved out of the house and you cover the furniture with plastic. Hey, could that be why some weird old people used to cover their furniture with plastic? Man, my Aunt Tootsie may have been cooler than we thought. Other naive, un-jaded people wondered, “I bet a golden shower is his really fancy bathroom in his Trump Tower penthouse apartment.” Well, kind of, in that I think you could see golden showers in Penthouse magazine. But no, all these precious illusions were shattered pretty quickly, very quickly, in fact, when their google search resulted in: “About 4,750,000 results in (0.52 seconds).” The truth hit them like a splash in the face.

Not since the great Clinton blowjob scandal of the 90’s has simply following the news cause the corruption of so many poor, innocent minds. And that happened way before the internet, so back then you had to ask your Social Studies teacher why Monica Lewinsky didn’t just swallow for the sake of our country. And yet today that sounds like a much more innocent time; just a friendly adulterous blowjob scandal. Not like this soggy affair. Being aware of what our political leaders are doing is our responsibility as citizens, it’s our civic duty, but this rate, don’t be surprised if the next scandal actually involves some politician’s ‘civic doody’. But I guess it’s all part of making America great again. No word on where these ‘leaks’ came from, I thought they came from the Russian prostitutes? I wonder if they charged extra for leaking the report, too.

Trump is furious, he’s red in the face over this report, but if I remember color theory correctly, when you mix red with yellow, you get orange. Hmm, this could explain a lot. And now we finally understand what he meant when he said he wanted to bring back waterboarding!  Let’s see, if you do it to somebody with water, it’s considered torture and it’s against the Geneva Convention, but if you do it with pee, it’s 500 dollars an hour and you have to pay for the hotel room. Uh, I hear! I mean, um, how would I know? So, ah...can we just get back to Trump?

You know, I used to think Donald Trump was like Nero without the violin lessons. Now I think he’s more like Caligula, but without the class.

I’m not going to run down a litany of cheap jokes and puns about these salacious accusations. Not me, I have too much journalistic integrity for that. And I doubt any of it is true anyway, I mean, not Donald Trump, right? He’s worked hard ever since he was a wee lad. He’s the kind of guy who never settles for second place because he strives for number one. Donald Trump is a man who has climbed the bladder of success. He’s worth his weight in gold and showers in the adoration of his supporters. He’s a financial whizz. In a recent live stream press conference he said, “You have to trust ‘your innate’ instincts when you do your business. There are times the market is flush, and times you just have to go with the flow, but always be ready for a golden opportunity.” No, no cheap puns here. I don’t engage in yellow journalism.

Whew! I couldn’t hold those jokes in any longer! Ah...what a relief! I realize every comedian in America came up with these exact same jokes, and everybody who isn’t a comedian, too. Going to the bathroom is something we start telling jokes about it as soon as we learn how to talk, we’ve all been ready with these jokes since about the first grade. As a kid you always got huge laughs just by using the word “poopy”. Man, it slayed. That was your closing bit. Now as adults we make witty remarks about “Close Encounters of the Turd Kind,” but it’s still the same joke. And we will always think bodily functions are funny. A thousand years from now, if mankind has returned to space and colonized the Solar System, people will still be joking about asteroids on Uranus. It’s human nature. So everybody was ready with jokes for this scandal, reaching back to our earliest comedic sources. And we let loose, even if the story doesn’t hold water.

But don’t think that Donald Trump was the first alleged sexual deviant to be President, I did a little research and you might be surprised at some of the fun and interesting presidential facts I discovered:

President Calvin Coolidge kept Vice-President Charles G. Dawes in a full-body leather gimp costume, locking him in a trunk in the basement of a pawn shop when the Senate was not in session. It is speculated that the middle initial G. stood for Gimp. Same for Warren G. Harding.

Franklin Pierce (1853-1857) was heavy into body modification, living up to his name with over 50 body piercings. 30 of them were deliberate, the rest were just shrapnel from a cannonball injury in the war of 1812.

Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881) only got off on Bukkake and Japanese tentacle porn. Alright, so that’s not true, but he’d a lot more interesting if it was. Nobody cares that he was a reconstructionist.

You know, before this story hit, I thought I’d be talking about his previous scandal for the week, his feud with actress Meryl Streep, but only Trump can actually trump himself. Meryl Streep had attack Trump for bullying and mocking a disabled reporter during her acceptance speech at the Golden Globes awards. There’s that word “golden” again. Anyway, Trump didn’t like it, and the Twitter war was on. He tweeted, "Meryl Streep, one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood, doesn't know me but attacked last night at the Golden Globes." Wait a minute. Over-rated? Is he unaware of the existence of irony? Meryl Streep has won 157 awards, and over 400 nominations. Donald Trump? The Apprentice lost at the Emmys to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. And it lost twice to The Amazing Race. Donald Trump calling Meryl Streep over-rated is like Vin Diesel giving a bad review of a Monet retrospective at MoMA:

“Monet? Nah, bro. This guy ain’t no Impressionist, Impressionists do a bunch of voices like John Wayne and shit, this guy just paints pictures of water lilies. I ain’t Impressed. I asked if I could meet this guy Monet or Merlot or whatever, and they told me he died. Whoa. Car crash I bet. Should have slowed your roll, my brother. Ride or die, esse. Gas, grass, or ass, nobody rides for free. But how come none of these paintings have muscle cars in them? For example, his painting ‘Morning on the Seine near Giverny’ is aight, but what it really needs is a cherry red 1970 GTO with a 455 cubic inch V-8, 370 hp. and a Ram Air IV engine. Pimp your ride, pimp your painting, bro.”