#ive been so busy these past weeks i completely forgot to make something for her ;_;

[wltsquareih]

Happy Birthday Mitsuri! From Rengoku ~

[matryosika]

shoot me, chapter VI

pairing — changbin x reader

rating — 18+

genre of the overall series — smut, angst, fluff if you squint

prologue chapter I chapter II chapter III chapter IV chapter V chapter VI

word count for this chapter — 4.1 k

warnings — mentions of alcohol and emotional abuse

note — this chapter has no smut in it. still, the love-story gets completely developed here. next chapters will be filled with smut and angst so stay tuned! i haven't read this chapter because i wanted to upload it as soon as possible, so it may contain grammar mistakes. i will check it later since i have to go out with my family to have dinner! <3 hope you enjoy

taglist:@cozyblues @ahgasearmyfan @binnie-m00n @minaamhh @pinkishwen @spilledtee

*

[changbin's pov]

"so?" you asked him, modeling one of the dresses that you had previously selected from the expensive clothing shop "what do you think?"

she looks like a goddess.

"good" changbin limited to reply. "is that the last one?"

"c'mon you are not helping at all" you grunted, turning around slightly on the mirror to see the full silhouette of the dress "this might be the one, don't you think?"

i think so. i think you look perfect in all the things you have tried on, actually.

"it's alright" the dark-haired man reply "just take that one and let's get this over with"

"jesus, changbin" you whined "you are such a pain in the ass. if you were in a bad mood then you shouldn't have accepted to drive me here so i can buy a dress for the wedding"

you had been in korea for a month and 2 weeks now, your relationship with changbin growing unconciously intimate as you often engage in sexual encounters with him. you wouldn't say the both of you were close, but each day that passed by you could feel how you learned more about him just like he learned more about you too. you wouldn't consider him a good friend, since hostility made a presence every now and then between the both of you, but you had learned to spend time with him without feeling the need to put plugs into your ears and a blindfold to stop acknowledging his existence.

"if you needed help picking a dress" changbin interrupted, standing up from the seat he had been occupying for the last 45 minutes "you should've asked hyejin or ryujin to come and help you out, not me"

"hyejin is busy" you were quick to respond "ryujin had work today and you were the only other person i know that owns a car"

"cabs exist"

"yeah well" you made a pause, swallowing hard "i don't like cabs"

"you could've asked arthur to lend you his private driver" changbin tilted his head slightly.

"i get uncomfortable with strangers" you answered after a few seconds of being completely silent, changbin's gaze making you incredibly nervous.

"really?" he inquired, one of his hands traveling all the way to the pocket of his jacket as he pulled his wallet out. "why won't you just admit that you wanted to spend time with me?"

"fuck no" a grimace of disgust was quick to appear on your face "don't get confused. i would rather be dead than to spend more time with you than i already have to"

"yet you are still here" he teased "maybe i'm not as unbearable as your mind is trying to convince you i truly am"

with lazy steps he took the bunch of dresses that were piled up on the chair next to him, putting them all over his shoulder as he walked to the counter. "what are you doing?" you asked, still wearing the last dress you tried on.

"you are indecisive and i am starving" he said without even looking at you "i don't need to spend another 45 minutes here looking at how much you struggle to pick between 5 dresses, just have them all and pick one when you are alone"

you looked at him in desbelief "do you have any idea of how much just one of them cost? are you stupid?" you almost yelled in astonishment, looking at the figure of changbin slightly turning around to face you.

"i am not stupid" changbin reply "like i said, i am just hungry"

and currently thinking about how beautiful you are looking right now with that look of amazement on your pretty face. if i could, i would buy you the entire world just for you to destroy.

[y/n's pov]

"i will pay every single one of those dresses back before i leave" you mumbled, eating your food as if you had been starving for days "i had money, i didn't need you to come and rescue me as if i was some sort of damsel in distress"

"you were in distress though" he added, taking a sip of the drink he ordered "you took almost 30 minutes just to pick one dress to try on, you are really undecisive"

"yeah well, it's not like i had anywhere else to be" you replied.

"isn't arthur going to have a small gathering at his house today?" changbin inquired "like a pre-celebration of the wedding or something?"

you shrugged your shoulders "i don't know and i don't care. i am just here for the wedding and then i will be finally free"

you kept on eating your plate of food, confused as to why changbin's gaze stayed fix on you. "what, do i have something on my f-?"

"are you leaving right after the wedding?" he asked in a very hostile way, almost as if he had completely forgot that you were not going to stay forever.

"not right after but that's the main reason i came here, yeah" you replied, having a mixture of feelings inside your guts.

you couldn't deny the fact that you missed tsukuba, but living there meant to be trapped in the university dorms 24/7 just studying. but still, the lifestyle you have had for the past time was absolutely something you could get use to it: ryujin, hyejin, going out on the weekends, being free from school, changbin...

changbin?

"i still don't know the exact date though" you added "school doesn't start for me in another months so..."

"how is your life?" he asked, earning a weird look from you as you couldn't quite understand his question "in Japan, i mean"

you sighed. you had thought that living in japan was really good and you felt utterly comfortable living there until you arrived to korea and discovered a whole new life style that you had already learned to love. not only that, but leaving everything here was going to get you a bit nostalgic in the future. "it is great, better than people say it is honestly" you responded as he nodded "i live at the university dorms so life is pretty much everything but rushed. i spend my days at the library studying, i sometimes work as a shadow teacher for like 4 or 5 kids and on weekends i go and visit my mom and her partner"

"your mom got married after divorcing arthur?" changbin followed, just in time as he finished his dish of food.

"uh, it's complicated" you gave him a smile "she lives with someone and she is very happy"

"and are you?"

you were about to answer the question when you felt a pinch on your heart. a month ago you would have replied "yes" without a doubt. you thought you were happy living in japan, you thought you were happy when you visited thea, your mother, and reiko, her girlfriend. you thought you were happy when reiko made you her special coffee and you thought you were happy when they ocasionally visited you on winter nights at your dorm. you thought you were happy when you worked with children and spent time with them. you thought you were happy when you rode your bike from school to work and you thought you were happy when ryejin visited you and your mom on the holidays.

however, you had learned a new definition of happiness here.

"are you?" you fired back.

changbin slightly tilted his head as he laid completely back on his seat "i could be"

"what is exactly stopping you from being happy?" you asked him, intruiged.

"even if i explained it to you" he mumbled "i don't think you will be able to understand it"

"ah, there you are again" you scoffed, slightly rolling your eyes "your god complex has not show all day. i guess you missed it."

"c'mon" he grunted, raising his hand at one of the waiters at the restaurant "let's go somewhere else"

"where exactly?" you laughed "to your place? your car? a motel? jesus changbin, you can't really go a day without fucking, can you?"

"that's not actually what i had in mind" he replied, taking out his credit card as he saw the waiter approaching the table "but i mean if you want to fuck i won't say no"

"you had something in mind?" you asked, faking excitment "for me? you planned something for me?"

"if you want i can drop you at arthur's place right now so he can force you to have dinner with him and his bride. it's up to you"

you weren't really feeling like spending "quality time" with your father, and you also knew that hyejin was probably not going to attent the dinner, so there was no point of you being there. but at the same time, the thought of spending time with changbin doing non-sexual activities was something that it always made you nervous for an unknown reason, and you were feeling particularly nervous today.

"whatever"

*

the evening went on peacefully and that alone was unreal. he drove you to the center of seoul and suggested to take a walk around the most popular avenues because "the city looked better at night", something you have always believed too.

changbin was attractive and, even though your personalities crashed every damn time, you couldn't deny the fact that there were some sort of intimate bond going on between the both of you since that very first night at the bar. still, you wouldn't accept it. you wouldn't accept that the one person you disliked the most was starting to change your mind.

and you couldn't get yourself to trust him either. you couldn't trust any men, for that matter.

"have you thought about which dress you are going to wear tomorrow?" he asked so casually, his hands inside the pockets of his jacket as his gaze diverted from building to building.

"no" you replied, trying to get back at the trail of thoughts you had been threading since you left the restaurant with him. "have you?"

"have i thought about the dress i am going to wear tomorrow?" he laughed "i don't know, it will depend on which one you lend me"

"i got distracted" you admitted "but i will try on all the dresses tomorrow morning and i will give you the rest of them so you can return them to the store"

"i won't do that" he clicked his tongue "i bought them for you"

your heart skipped a beat after hearing those words and it was everything but pleasent.

"i don't want them"

"you can't reject a gift" he mumbled "that's the whole point of a gift"

"i will sell them on the internet" you threatened.

"do it, at the end of the day they are yours" he gave you a side look while smirking "but i wouldn't sell them if i were you. you look good in them"

"oh so you want to give opinions about the dresses now, huh?" you asked, mildly annoyed "you could've help me back at the store but you chose to be grumpy"

"at least i am helping you now"

"you are unbearable" you whispered.

a bright smile was quick to appear on his face. a genuine smile, as if he was enjoying the conversation. not only the conversation but the whole moment: you and him, walking around the city and talking about something so casual and trivial like which clothes you were going to wear tomorrow or which dress he liked best on you.

and for a moment it felt nice.

you felt safe.

"the red one was pretty" he added. you looked at him confused, once again lost in your trail of thoughts. "the red dress, the one that you tried on last"

"good" you responded "i'll make sure not to wear that one"

"you hate me that much?" he teased while a faint chuckle left his lips.

"oh changbin, you have no idea" deep down knowing it wasn't more than a vile lie.

*

you looked in the mirror one last time before you heard hyejin calling your name once again "y/n, how long will you take? i need to stop by the bakery to pick up the wedding cake"

"i'll be out in a minute" you replied, noticing how your hands got sweatier by the second.

you were quite nervous, but couldn't really understand why. maybe the sole thought of your father having his "happy ending" made you jealous because you knew that he did not deserve that at all; he didn't deserve the love he had.

the emotional abuse your mother and you suffered throughout your childhood and adolescence was not something that could be fixed in a month or two and you were certain about it. no matter how happy your father was, you couldn't help but to feel jealous about how he never had to suffer like you and your mother did.

and even though you got over your negative feelings towards him, the scars and aftermath of an abusive household still caught up on you: the mistrust, the negativity, the hostility and the lack of commitment were things you had to deal with on a daily basis.

of course he was the one to blame. but you were an adult now, and you were supposed to deal with all those issues by yourself. no one was going to fix them for you.

"jesus y/n, we are running late" hyejin busted the door open "are you ready now?"

"yes" you were quick to respond, grabbing the purse on your bed and trying to quickly divert from your sister's gaze.

"wait" she mumbled, gripping both of your shoulder as you intended to the leave the room "why are you tearing up?"

"i am not" you replied "i yawned"

she didn't look convinced, but still decided not to push any further "i'll meet you in the car, i just have to grab a few things"

you nodded and made your way through the hallway. because of how rushed she was, you didn't have a chance to tell hyejin how gorgeous she looked. she was wearing a golden shiny dress that embraced her body just fine and carrying a maching clutch with it. she was really pretty, maybe the prettiest woman you had ever seen, and not only that but she was also very smart. any guy would be head over heels for her, but she still decided not to engage in a "silly love story" as she called them because "it is a waste of her precious time, and time is money"

you wished you had the same mentality as she did, but you grew up getting educated on how love was portrayed in books, movies and television. it was ironic how you were the first person on earth to deny that love actually existed, but you were still a hopeless romantic after all.

*

[changbin's pov]

"changbin, are you too far from the church?" haeun, his mother, asked desperately as changbin picked up the phone.

"i'm right outside" he grunted "i told you i was not going to be late"

"we are sitting on the second bench at the left of the altar" the old woman added "hurry up"

changbin hung up the phone and cursed under his breath. the weather today was maybe too nice for his own liking and his clothes were a bit too uncomfortable to be wearing them under the sun.

as quickly as he could, he closed the door of his car and started walking towards the entrance, making sure that the ceremony hadn't started just yet so he wouldn't make a scene.

"did you bring the gift?" jang-yeop inquired as he sat down next to him and changbin nodded "did you also bring your mother the pair of shoes?"

"yes" he responded "how long is this going to take?"

"40-45 minutes?" his father replied "i have no idea, what time is it?"

"7:02 p.m." haeun was quick to answer "now, the both of you shut up"

right after she mumbled those words, music started to sound on the church. changbin, being in a rush to get to his seat before the ceremony started, didn't notice that arthur was already standing up next to the altar and waiting for his soon-to-be wife. changbin's gaze was fixed on arthur, then it diverted into the bride walking down the aisle and then returned to arthur once again. he never thought about marriage or building a family. hell, he never thought about having a romantic relationship that would last longer than a few months actually. but as he grew older, and as he experienced new stuff, he wasn't sure if he still had the same mentality he used to have last year.

to changbin, arthur seemed genuinely happy. his half-lidded eyes along with that bright smile he was wearing indicated that the man was living one of the happiest days of his life. and as changbin witnessed that romantic scene, the question that popped up in the conversation he had with you last night grabbed his attention once again.

what exactly is stopping me from being happy?

and before he could respond himself with words, his eyes had already found the answer: standing on the bench at the right of the altar and wearing that promising dark red dress that could drive any man insane, the woman he never dreamed of looking just as beautiful as the very first day he met her.

not being able to have her completely.

*

[y/n's pov]

after the ceremony, a big party was held at a very elegant event hall located in one of the tallest buildings of seoul. you were not particularly excited about having to see arthur's side of the family, but you still managed to keep yourself together the whole time.

"you are wearing the red dress" a sudden voice whispered into your ear as you were counting the tables that were still missing their dinner plates, an order given by hyejin. you slightly turned around to meet changbin's breath dancing on your neck and nape, goosebumps filling every single inch of your skin due to the proximity.

"congratulations" you sighed "your vision is crystal clear"

"i have been watching you since the ceremony" changbin added "i can't help but think about how pretty you are going to look when you are taking that dress off for me"

a spark of electricity traveled around your whole body and directly into your core. you immediatly looked around and notice a few people who worked for arthur's company sitting not that far away from the both of us "do you really want to do this here?" you asked "aren't you scared of being caught by any of arthur's friends?"

"are you concerned about that now?" he chuckled "that didn't seem to bother you at the company's elevator"

"c'mon" you whispered, your back slightly pressing against his chest "i have to help hyejin with some stuff"

changbin slightly gripped your hand and guided you to the dancefloor that was crowded with couples dancing around "i am sure that she can handle all of this by herself"

before you could protest, you took out your phone and sent her a message with the information she asked for. you had no idea what changbin was up to, but you still decided to follow him.

changbin positioned his hands on your waist as he gracefully dragged you across the dancefloor, looking for a spot in the middle of the crowd so it would be easier for the two of you to get lost.

"you are spending the night at my place" he mumbled over the slow songs that were now playing. it wasn't a question nor a petition, it was an order.

"yeah right" you chuckled "if you are too desperate to fuck we can do that, but i am not fond of sleepovers"

the thought of you spending the night with him was terrifying, but you would've been lying if you said that you hadn't think about what it would be like to wake up next to his him.

"i wasn't asking" he responded. "tell me when you are ready to leave".

with a swift movement, your whole body was pressed against his, his hands resting on your lowerback as you both swinged from side to side, following the rythm of the song. this was a whole new side of him that you didn't know it existed, and you couldn't deny that you were loving every second of it.

"who thaught you how to dance, huh?" you asked, your gaze fixed on his eyes that looked even brighter because of all the lights adorning the hall.

"there is so much about me that you don't know" he replied.

"oh i know everything there is to know about you, changbin" you scoffed "but let's see if you can keep surprising me"

*

it wasn't even midnight but people were already starting to get completely intoxicated with alcohol. arthur had spent the night dancing with ara and, after she was done being the unofficial wedding planner, hyejin ended up getting wasted with the small group of friends she invited to the wedding. you, on the other hand, spent the night dancing with changbin and eating your dinner with him.

it was not unusual to see the both of you together since you spent too much time at the company, but tonight it was sort of different. the looks he gave you, the way you two danced for hours on end, the way he was treating you... it felt different, a little bit more personal and intimate. his parents probably noticed this too, since they made a lof of comments about "how happy they were about us being really good friends". if only they knew.

"i think i am ready" you said to changbin after telling hyejin that you were going to spend the night somewhere else. she nodded her head and agreed to say, if asked, that "you were at ryujin's" even when she wasn't invited to the wedding in the first place. you just smiled at her and nodded, not leaving without telling one of her sober friends to look out for her.

"don't worry" the pretty pale girl mumbled "she will stay at my house tonight"

you glanced over to arthur and ara who were still having the greatest time of their lives on the dancefloor, and proceeded to walk away from the party with changbin. "you parents will stay here?"

"yeah, they will leave in an hour or so" changbin replied "i told them that you wanted to go home and that i was going to drive you"

"perks of living alone i guess" you joked.

the walk through the empty corridors of the building felt eerie as the loud sound of the music were still ringing in your ears. even though you were walking on your own, you could still feel changbin's ablazing touch on your body and that only provoked your heartbeat to go even faster.

as you waited for the elevator to open their doors, changbin's lips unexpectedly crashed against yours. it wasn't a passionate kiss, and it wasn't rushed either. it was just a kiss, an innocent kiss, a kiss you give to your significant other as a demostration of how much you love them. his soft lips dragged against yours as his teeth bite softly your bottom lip, earning a small whine from you. his hands, that were now located into your waist, guided you to the insides of the elevator once the doors were opened.

"you look so beautiful tonight" he whispered interrupting, his breathing getting faster each second that passed by "i can't get you out of my head"

his lips left yours to meet the sensitive spots on your neck, peppering soft kisses all over the surface. your gaze found the reflection of the scene in the mirror of the elevator, looking at how changbin was tasting every inch of your skin with his eyes closed, his rushed hands traveling all the way from your waist to your lower back trying to memorize every single trace of your body.

"i don't want to hurt you tonight" he continued "no roughness, no pain, no petnames. i want to make you completely mine, in the most pure way"

and for the night, you agreed to let your feelings out and let go.

no fear and no mistrust, you were ready to face the overwhelming feelings that had been building up inside you since the day you met him.

even if you could potentially regret it later...

[iknowicanbutwhy]

Heads up we got an

Adult Hikikomori Sunny AU

I've been waiting to find an AU after the neutral end of the Hikikomori route for a while. What happened to Sunny? How did his life go on after that? Did he go to college? Did he get a fulltime job? Did he figure out what he wants in life?

these are all very good questions because literally anything could be the case. So this AU is just gonna be stuck in a hospital setting for a while.

Here's what I got so far:

Past:

Hospital Psychiatrist (practicing? Training?) Doctor Hero

I imagine after Basil's death, Hero would (eventually) turn to learning how to identify and help people with suicidal tendencies, if he's gonna be a doctor anyway.

In a choice between psychologist and psychiatrist, Hero went psychiatrist. Hero's parents would pressure him into getting a more lucrative job. PLUS psychiatrists go to college for 8 years, then take four more of psychiatry residency. Hero might feel just a little more accomplished, just a little better about himself for earning a higher degree, just to reassure himself that he's working hard and doing his best towards helping people.

Hero did extra studying in psychotherapy. He tried doing it at the same time as he did medical college. He's not.. the best at it because of that, for several reasons, but he knows it's better to combine medicine and conversation. When he has his head on straight, he can manage it.

I have.. no idea whether to put Hero into practice or residency. He'd have to be at least around.. 31, if he were in practice. That's a long time to have unresolved trauma. That's a nice hunk of research i gotta do.

That's it that's all for Hero. His goals are set in the present and focused around other people, as per usual.

Sunny is... not doing so well. He lied about going to college when he moved into some hole far away from his mother. He has no reason to get up in the morning when he can just lie around. He doesn't enjoy whatever hobbies he used to have.

He doesn't even know Basil is gone and he's so bad off.

He's honestly convinced himself that he doesn't care about anything. He still cares about people, however. He'd have stayed with his mom and burdened her with himself if he didn't. When they had moved from Faraway, it was to a cheaper, smaller place. That meant Sunny's mom didn't have to work so much. That meant more time with Sunny. He decided it was.. preferable not to stay.

The only times he does anything is when he tries to remember the past and relearn the person he used to be. What did he do? What did he like? He'd play games, and read comics, and would get frustrated? move on to something else when those did nothing for him, searching for.. some feeling to occur. And then he'd question why, why, why.

Why can't he enjoy anything? Why does he want to feel enjoyment? Why can't he just do something and be happy? Why can't he just do nothing and be fine? Why does he need to exist? Why does he want to move? Why does he want, but can never have, can never get by himself?

If there's nothing he can do, then what is he waiting for?

Vague memories would become clearer with introspection, until he would feel something, finally. An old guilt aching from deep inside his bones. A haunting self hatred, ripping away whatever minuscule strength his limbs had to try anything fun. A sense of iron resignation blanketing and anchoring his body, reminding him that it's much too late to try getting up now. Ironically, apathy got him up in the morning, as much as it keeps him from enjoying anything enough to stay up.

He was always a little too thin, but he used to force himself to do things like eat and work enough to survive. Mostly because to sleep means to not have headaches, and to not have headaches means to eat well enough, and to eat well enough means to have food, and to have food means to have money from a job.

But it's not as if he was all too desperate to sleep, anyway. His dreams have stayed the same for years. They're more eventful and colorful than bland reality, but it's a mix of the same thing every day. Staring at the swirling kaleidoscope of his dreams is exactly like observing the same beige ceiling for hours on end, until it all mixes together into the same shade of empty grey.

It probably doesn't help Sunny's mood that he thinks dramatic things like the previous point, just to pass time.

He only got worse once he was forced to move into one of those really bad apartments. You know the ones, with the rusted metal stairs nobody wants to risk their life on, and practically no privacy with four-to-five thin-walled neighboring rooms, and bad heating in one corner of the apartment. But it was cheap. Too bad he had to go up and down the stairs all the time.

He didn't have a problem with them when he just moved in. Generally, the most he notices is starting at the top, teleporting to the bottom, and a slight shaking of his hands that he barely glances at with empty curiosity.

As it is, some part of him knew this was going to happen. That he'd have one of those terribly introspective weeks, when he just so happens to have his new job with a boss ready to fire him and his sullen face and poor (somehow complete neutrality is offensive) attitude. He's emotionally vulnerable, and the memories on top of the stairs are devastating.

A week goes by. He's fired. He doesn't look for another job. He hasn't gone for groceries in a while. He's exhausted.

He was waiting for death, he guesses. He still wants, still feels that urge in the buzzing of his fingertips, the ghost of movement from his limbs, the phantom shiver in his back - the intent of every muscle in his body one after the other pleading with him to move, but never all at once - and Sunny laments that the human body is pretty stupid. Moving wont help. What would he do, make the end come quicker? He's already thrown away too many chances for that.

He'll stop wanting once he's gone. That's what happens when you get what you want, right?

His landlord finds him. He forgot the rent. He's taken to the hospital. Ugh.

Present:

Sunny is stunted and underweight. He wears baggy shirts stuffed into slightly less baggy hoodies, and sweats. Warmth. He couldn't find his hoodie after they took it off to put in an IV on his first trip to the hospital.

Usually nurses do things like bring food to patients, but Sunny only ever interacts with Hero and Hero wants to make sure Sunny is okay anyway. Not that it's much easier for Hero to encourage Sunny to eat.

Sunny stresses Hero the hell out. But Hero kinda missed Sunny, and his depressing and concerning reappearance brings with it a deadpan, world-weary, often childish humor that fails to take anything seriously when everything in Sunny's situation should be taken seriously. It's as much a relief as it is incredibly frustrating. Some days Hero loves it. Some days it makes him angry. Some days it makes him want to cry.

I tried doing research into the conduct Hero should display regarding patients/clients in general but it just. Any professionalism quickly devolves between him and Sunny.

As in, at one point, him and Sunny were whaling on each other about having no lives. Hero felt really bad afterwards; he had no idea what came over him. It was a great way for both of them to let out some hidden frustration, though, and they turned out fine afterwards. They even lowkey pick on each other every now and again.

Sometimes one or the other gets a bit too accurate in their teasing, however.

Psychiatrists are supposed to be able to understand, diagnose, and treat mental, emotional and behavioral disorders. So, if Hero were a completely capable psychiatrist, which he is, he wouldn't break down in front of his client. But Hero's late teenage years are wrought with so much grief and trauma, so to see Sunny and not just another client in this state is.. something i imagine he'd break down about eventually. There's also the fact that Sunny is mostly closed off to any help, which only makes things harder.

Hero is trying his best, but after years of never understanding why Mari died, years of thinking and wondering and second-guessing himself, years of guilt after never visiting Basil before he died, years of doing what he was told was "best" yet failing in what's most important to him (his friends) - his best never feels good enough around Sunny. It feels too little, too late. For this reason, and possibly because even if Hero were able to keep himself together he may just not be the right psychiatrist for Sunny, it would be better for him to find another psychiatrist for Sunny. He won't, though.

Hero really needs some time to himself to just think, or perhaps he needs someone else to talk to. Kel is nice, but Aubrey would have better experience handling emotions.

I have a very limited idea of what Aubrey and Kel are doing. Aubrey is a childcare instructor to parents and works in child services. She has studied child psychology. She has studied how childhood affects adulthood. Kel's off trying to make a name in basketball while giving kids high fives and heartfelt support.

Hero, in fact, does not like to be called Dr. Hero, but his shyness (feeling of unworthiness) about it only endears everyone to call him that more. He tells the kids that everyone calls him Hero, but the adults merely find out from the other doctors and nurses. Hero tried introducing himself as Henry to the other doctors, but Kel told them his nickname, and it stuck for obvious reasons.

Sometimes, on days when Hero has to wear his lab coat, he ties it around his neck like a cape. The kids like it, say it makes him look like a superHero.

Hero doesn't really cook. His schedule is always too busy to make anything that isn't quick. But he does eventually figure out that cooking for Sunny is the best way to entice him to eat, so when he makes something, he makes enough for both of them. They eat together.

Hero had to gather Sunny's change of clothes from his apartment when he found out that the reason Sunny has been in the same clothes for the last week is because he's had no one to visit him. Not even his mother. Why?

[psychovigilantewrites]

Don’t Call Me That Pt. 2

Wordcount: 10,129

A/N:  I thought this part 2 would total up to 10k words, but when it hit 10k, I realised that I was only about 65 percent done. So based on the responses I got from tumblr, I decided to publish this first and then conclude the story later on!

TW:  mentions of r*pe, mentions of torture, mentions of drugging someone (??) , mental breakdowns, vulnerability, descriptions of anxiety

Also, HERE’S MY FAV MEMES!! I’m so sorry that I can’t tag respective meme creators, because I saved them on my phone and some of them I forgot to include your usernames!! I’M SO SORRY!!! And honest to god is wear there were more but i must have lost them im so sorry im so incompetent lmao

memeesss

You glanced at your phone.

It had already been a week in Hawaii with your friends, and Jason still hadn’t texted you.

Well, you should have expected it, really. Jason was a traumatised, mentally ill man who had been locked away for two years.

Of course he wouldn’t text you first.

You had contemplated texting him over the past few days, typing in an array of messages ranging from a simple “hey” to a whole paragraph, and deleting all of it without hitting send. Did he even switch the phone on? Was he surfing the internet? Or was the phone still there on the shelf where you had left it.

It was driving you crazy.

“Do you have a boyfriend we don’t know about?” a voice called.

You looked up and squinted at the man who was standing up, looking down at you. You were sitting on the beach, a little further away from the ocean where your friends were.

“What are you talking about?” you asked as Alex plopped down next to you.

“You’ve been fidgety the whole time,” he pointed out, combing back his dark shoulder length hair with his fingers, getting sand in them. “We’re on a private beach, and you’ve been fussing over your phone. Who are you talking to?”

“No one,” you grumbled truthfully.

“The girls have been gossiping,” he gestured to the two other girls playing in the water. Your closest friends. It was four of you in that inseparable group.

“Of course they have,” you groaned, “Tell them to SAY IT TO MY FACE, COWARDS!”

You shouted at them, earning you grins and middle fingers from the distance.

“They’re saying you’re in love with someone,” he chuckled, “But they always say stupid shit like that without any evidence. But sometimes, a girl’s intuition is just right, ya know?”

“Stop beating around the bush, Alex,” you rolled your eyes at him despite knowing he couldn’t see past your sunglasses. “No, I’m not in love. I’m just waiting for a text that might never come.”

“Why don’t you text him first?”

“Because it’s not as simple as that!” you flailed your arms, “He’s… complicated. I can’t just text him anything.”

“Girl, unless he’s Mr. Nottingham, or related to you, then it really isn’t that complicated,” he joked.

“Ugh,” you groaned again, falling back onto the cloth you spread out. “Fine. I’ll text him.”

“Atta girl,” Alex grinned, “I’m gonna head back in the water. Join us after. Please?”

“Yeah, yeah,” you waved.

Opening the text window for what had to be the thirtieth time, you finally decided to text him.

You: Miss me yet?

Staring intently at the small ‘sent’ below your message bubble, you waited for it to turn to ‘delivered’.

“Yes!” you hissed. It meant that Jason had indeed switched on the phone.

But after twenty minutes you realised that it didn’t matter if Jason switched on the phone if he didn’t want to talk to you. Cursing to yourself, you decided to join your friends in the water, hoping it’ll distract you from checking your phone every five minutes for a text message that might never come.

After an hour of actually spending time with your friends, all four of you returned to the villa, your mood elevated. Checking your phone, you could have jumped for joy when you saw not one, but four consecutive texts in a row.

Jason: Duck off. Jason: What the duck Jason: WHY CANT I SAY DUCK Jason: I DUCKING HATE THIS

You couldn’t let out a string of giggles.

“Oooh, lover boy texted you back, huh?” Alex peeked over your shoulder. “Gimme, I wanna mess with him.”

He snatched your phone from your hands, surprisingly swift and smooth for a civilian, raising it way above his head so you couldn’t reach it and opened the camera.

“Alex-!”

He threw his other arm over your shoulder and pulled you into his bare chest, crushing you before you could tackle him down. He snapped a picture and sent it.

You froze in horror.

“Why the hell did you do that?!” you yelled.

“Relax, I was just messing around,” he gave your phone back to you.

“You don’t- you don’t understand, you fucking asshole!” you screamed.

“I- I’m sorry,” Alex stuttered, surprised by your reaction. “I was just-”

“Fuck off!” you snapped.

Panicking, you saw the little notification below the picture turning from Received to Read.

No. No, no, no, no.

This was bad.

You didn’t want to overwhelm Jason by sending him photos of your activities, thinking that he might react badly to the sudden surplus of familiarity and sense of being close to someone. Now you were worried that he might start to push you away in fear, reverting back to how he was before, and months of progress would have been all for nothing.

He would probably start swearing at you, or worse- switch off the phone and reject any form of communication completely. You hurriedly texted a reply.

You: I’m so sorry! I didn’t send that, my friend was just messing around.

Expecting the worst, you braced yourself for the inevitable. Instead, he sent you:

Jason: Who the hell is that guy?? Jason: Why are you in your underwear??

Your mouth hung open as you stared in shock at the screen. Because you took so long to recover from the shock, he sent you another message.

Jason: ???

Snapping out of it, you texted back.

You: That’s just my friend. Sorry about that! And I’m not in my underwear, it’s a bikini! I’m in Hawaii.

You waited for him to reply, but ten minutes of you sitting anxiously on the turquoise sofa in the middle of the villa listening to the waves of the beach outside from the open doors passed by, and he still hadn’t.

Perhaps he’s busy- wait. There’s no way Jason would be busy. You tried to coax him into a conversation.

You: You can turn off your autocorrect if you want to swear without hassle. Go to your Keyboard settings.

You plopped your phone on the empty seat next to you and dried your hair.

“Ugh, come on!” complained Natalie, fully clothed and washed, walking towards the open concept kitchen from her room. “You’re getting sand everywhere!”

“Woops, my bad,” you grinned.

“There’s a shower outside on the porch for a reason you know,” she flipped her blond beach waves at you, looking through the fridge.

Alex stood quietly at the kitchen island, now scared to say anything.

You rolled your eyes. “Just don’t do it again.”

“Okay, I promise!” he grinned.

Ding.

Jason: fuck. fuck. fucking fuck. Jason: found it. You: Proud of you, man.

You went to your room and showered, then dried off and put on fresh clothes while waiting for Jason to reply.

Of course, he never did.

Groaning, you had to remind yourself that he was not used to human interaction, and texting would come unnaturally to him. Which meant that you had to be the one to keep the conversation going.

You: Do anything interesting since I left?

You saw him typing almost immediately this time.

Jason: no.

Of course not.

You: Have you been eating properly? Jason: yeah.

God, it was so difficult. You were in the middle of typing something when he replied again.

Jason: yoire not my mom Jason: yoire Jason: YOIRE Jason: FUCK WHY CANR I TYPE

You felt guilty for laughing, but you did anyway.

You: Now that you switched off autocorrect, it won’t correct your typos and misspells anymore. Jason: i fucking knw that. Ive been gone for two yeard not twenty. You: Then why do you sound like a grandpa? Jason: BECAISE YOU GAVE ME A FUCKINF IPHONE!! I USED AN ANDROID!!

Now you were really laughing out loud, so you sent him a GIF of a woman rolling her eyes.

Jason: wtf you can send gifs throug text now?? You: Welcome to 2020, my dude. Jason: im not your fucking dude

Typing a reply, Jason interrupted you once again.

Jason: teach me how to do that

Smiling widely, you found that you couldn’t wait for the next week to pass by so you could go back and see him.

***

“How’s Jason?” you asked the minute you reached the Cave computers, panting from the run down.

“Wow, hello to you, too,” Dick chuckled, spinning towards you on the wheeled chair.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and Bruce and Dick were in front of the computers, discussing a case that had connections to Bludhaven Police Department.

Gone for two weeks, you had a lot to catch up on.

“According to Alfred, he’s doing well,” Bruce answered, “Even started to ask for seconds last week. Now Alfred has been making portions for two.”

“He asked? For seconds?” you gasped. “How?”

“He left a note on the tray two days after you left. He’s been making meal requests, too. Texts Alfred in the morning to let him know.”

“Texted?!”

“Alfred slipped his number on the tray in case Jason wanted anything specific.”

“I slipped mine as well, but he hasn’t texted me yet,” Dick pouted.

“When did he start texting?” you ignored Dick.

“Last Sunday.”

So the same day you started texting him, then.

“He hasn’t texted me,” Dick sighed, looking dejected like a kid who was told Disneyland blew up.

“He’ll come around, Dick,” you offered him a smile, “I mean- he’s already texting Alfred!”

“Yeah,” he lamented.

“Okaaay, nice talk. I’m gonna go see him now, bye.”

You ran to the box, but stopped right before you opened the internal door. After checking your hair with your phone camera, you tried to stifle the butterflies in your stomach.

Ugh, you were so fucked.

Taking a deep breath, you knocked on the door.

“Yeah,” Jason’s muffled grunt answered you.

Pushing it open, your eyes immediately went to the bed only to find that he wasn’t lounging around reading a book like you expected. Instead, your mouth dropped open when you saw him on the floor, doing push ups.

Shirtless.

Jason had changed drastically during the two weeks you were gone. You noticed that he had definitely gained weight, as well as muscle mass.

“Uh, wh-what are you..?”

He stood up, and you swore your heart skipped a beat.

His muscles were much more prominent and defined now, and he looked like he was going to achieve Dick’s physique if he kept it up for another month or two.

“Welcome back,” he simply said before taking gulps from a water bottle you definitely had not seen before.

“Thanks,” you walked over and sat on his bed, “I’m glad to see that you decided to start taking care of yourself again.”

“What, this? This isn’t for me.”

“Huh?” you cocked your head in curiosity.

“I… I lost a lot of muscle mass. My body- it isn’t how it used to be,” he frowned, “And I can’t have you lusting over it when it’s not at its peak.”

“What- what do you-?” you stammered, suddenly getting hot.

Jason merely smirked and then continued his push ups.

You watched as his developing muscles rippled, a thin layer of sweat making his skin glisten in the light. It was amazing how he had progressed so much in such a short period of time. You guessed that he must have just been occupying his days by working out.

No wonder he’s been asking for seconds.

“Enjoying the view?” Jason breathed, pausing with his arms straightened, his head angled upwards towards you.

“No, shut up,” you looked away.

“Here, be useful,” he started, “Sit on my back.”

“What?”

“I’ve gotten used to my own body weight, I need extra resistance,” he elaborated, “Come on, sit on my back.”

“But it’s all sweaty,” you whined, pretending to protest. Definitely pretending- for the sake of your own dignity.

You got up and went over towards him anyway.

Carefully, awkwardly, you sat on his back as you would a park bench. You rested your palms flat against his sticky skin to stabilise yourself. Suddenly, he dipped down without warning, earning a soft squeal from you.

“Fuck, you’re heavy,” he strained, but continued to do the push ups. He was shakier, struggling with the weight, and after twenty-five, he paused. “Okay, I think I’m done.”

But before you had the chance to get off him, he suddenly stood up, throwing you off his back to have you fall on the floor on your ass.

“Jason, you assho-” you clapped your hand over your mouth, realising what you had just said.

Oh, no. Oh, fuck.

He stood towering over you, his jaw clenching as he stared you down with his cold, blue eyes.

“I’m so sorry! I forgot! It was a reflex and-”

“Whatever. I don’t care anymore,” he rolled his eyes, reaching for his bottle.

You blinked. Then scrambled to your feet.

“You don’t care anymore?” you repeated slowly.

“I don’t care if you call me that,” he huffed.

That made your heart swell and melt at the same time.

“I got used to your voice,” he mumbled, expression changing as he looked away. He frowned, as if he was angrily staring at a distant object.

You had just guessed that he didn’t like to be called his name because of a sense of familiarity, but now you were thinking that there was much more to that than what you had originally thought.

“So, I can call you… Jason?” you tested.

“Yeah, call me whatever you want,” he sat on his bed, looking up at you.

You smiled, thankful that you had finally crossed that bridge. “You know, I could get some workout stuff for you? Weights, bands, that bar thing that you can put at your door frame for pull ups…”

“You’d like to see that, huh?” he smirked.

“You flatter yourself too much,” you scoffed.

“How was Hawaii?” he changed the subject all of a sudden.

“It was fun. Beach was great, locals were great, loved the vibe- what are you doing?”

Jason had stood back up and started to walk closer and closer to you, getting all up in your space like a predator finally cornering its prey. You kept on taking steps back until your ass hit the edge of the desk.

Nowhere else to run, your heart started hammering. He leaned in, his hands resting on the desk on either side of your body, trapping you against the table and himself. You looked up and gulped. You could almost feel the heat radiating from his bare skin.

“Are you afraid of me?” he muttered lowly.

“Why would I be afraid of you?” you whispered.

“You tell me,” he said.

“Well, I’m not afraid of you,” you stated.

“Oh really?” he raised an eyebrow. Then, you felt his hand grip your wrist tightly, pressing down on your skin with his fingers. “Your pulse is very fast for someone who’s not afraid of me.”

“It’s because you’re all up in my space!” you argued.

“Didn’t look like you mind when your friend,” he snarled the word, “was all up in your space.”

“My friend? What- oh,” you widen your eyes in realisation, “You mean Alex.”

“Is that his name?”

“Alex is just a friend, nothing more. He’s just someone I’m close to,” you reassured him.

Which then made you think about why you were reassuring him.

“Oh, you were definitely close to him,” Jason growled.

“Wait- are you… jealous?” a smile creeped your lips.

He scowled at you for a few moments, and you could see the little tics in his expression that said he was annoyed. The flared nostrils, the muscles of his jaw clenching and unclenching, the very slight twitches at the corner of his left eye.

“No,” he finally said, taking a step back from you. “I’m going to shower. Since you couldn’t stop staring at me, the invitation is still open for you to join.”

“You know, I’m starting to think that maybe I prefer it when you were broody instead of this. Please go back to your depressive mental state,” you sarcastically replied.

Jason barked out an actual laugh. Though his laugh was odd, like someone who’s only now discovering that humans were indeed capable of laughter, you found comfort in it. It was no longer hysterical and devoid of humor. He was getting better, learning to embrace a connection with someone, and it made you extremely happy.

“Maybe I should,” he answered with a cheeky glint in his eye, “Then that way you can give me more sponge baths.”

He left you alone in his room, flushed and at a loss for words.

***

“I find it very odd that people would yell ‘Batman!’ when they realise you’re there,” you rambled while climbing out of the Batmobile.

You were absolutely drenched from the downpour that had been going on all night. It was 4 am on a friday night and you had just returned from patrol.

Bruce took off his cowl immediately, revealing tired eyes despite the relatively slow night.

“It’s like they’re saying ‘Look at me! I’m here! Please knock me out or hang me upside down from the-’ Bruce?”

Bruce had stiffen, staring at something behind you. You turned around and was shocked to see Jason in the mid-distance, sitting on the ground outside the black box that was his room, leaning against the cool metal.

He himself was staring intently at Bruce, not even sparing you a glance.

You looked back and forth between the two men, sensing a high tension silent conversation.

Then, Bruce’s eyes relaxed and the corners of his mouth twitched upwards ever so slightly in that hardly-there-Bruce-smile.

He gave Jason one stiff nod of understanding, then walked away to the computers at the other end of the cave, leaving you alone with his son.

Jason relaxed as you walked over to him, wringing your hair to squeeze out all the excess water.

“Aw, you waited up for me,” you teased, standing in front of him with your hands on your hips, grinning away.

“Fuck off,” he snorted, “I was bored.”

You noticed him clenching his jaw as he looked at you from top to bottom, eyes lingering longer on the ‘R’ on your left breast.

Ah, it was his first time seeing you in your uniform.

His uniform.

Suddenly, you felt like an imposter in those colors and had the strong urge to rip the uniform off.

You wanted to say something, but Jason beat you to it.

“There were times in that shit hole where I wanted to burn that uniform off my skin,” he grit, “Kept on thinking to myself. I wish I never became Robin. I wish I never met Bruce Wayne.”

Your heart shattered at his confession. It was extremely rare for him to bring up anything related to his two year torture, and the previous times were never in such detail.

Realising you needed to say something, you opened your mouth. “I’m so-”

“Don’t,” he cut you off, “You don’t have to say anything.”

Yes, sometimes you knew that he just wanted you to listen.

You nodded silently and went to sit next to him on the floor.

“It… suits you,” he forced out.

“Hmm?”

“The uniform. It suits you. More than it ever suited me,” he grumbled.

“Oh, I don’t know about that. I think your ass would look quite nice in green,” you joked, nudging his shoulder with your own.

He chuckled deeply, nudging you back even harder- hard enough for you to lose your balance and topple sideways, earning another breathy laugh from Jason.

***

Another month passed by, and you found yourself falling deeply for Jason- much to your dismay. You knew Jason wasn’t ready for any kind of intense emotions, and that it would take a very long time before he was.

So you swallowed your emotions down, stifling them and hoping it would go away.

The two of you had developed a pleasant friendship, often bickering and joking around, with Jason teasing you about your obvious physical attraction to him.

He also now occasionally waited outside his cube for you to come back after patrol, never really venturing too far from it, and still avoiding contact with both Bruce and Dick. Only you and Alfred had the privilege to speak to him.

Even then, sometimes you would visit his room but only getting a “I’m not feeling it today. Please leave.”

Understandingly, you would nod silently and leave him alone. You knew he still had his bad days, sometimes not eating his meals.

But mostly, he was getting better, both mentally and physically.

With nothing much to do the whole day, Jason was now obsessed with working out and bulking up. He now had a few simple equipment in his room- mostly weights.

You figured that it was a coping mechanism for him, a healthy outlet to channel all his rage and negative emotions into.

But come on. He was getting even hotter and it was making it extremely difficult for you to stop yourself from checking him out, fantasizing about him when he wasn’t around. Still, you couldn’t complain. Even though he hadn’t reached Dick’s size yet, he was very near to it, and his naturally bigger body frame and build made up for the still developing muscles.

Hell, he was now sporting a six pack.

But you knew that he was still not as well as you hoped he would be. The bloodshot eyes he had was proof that he doesn’t sleep well- and you soon found out why.

It was a little past midnight on your night off from patrol, and you were using your break in the best way you could think of- by sleeping. Something woke you up that night.

A soft knock on your door.

You frowned, eyes still closed, wondering who it was.

Bruce would usually knock twice. Strong, clear, and with purpose. Dick would start pounding rapidly on your door, annoying you intentionally. Alfred would give three soft knocks followed by a ‘Miss?’

Your eyes flew open. There was only one other person in the manor.

Throwing your covers aside, you jumped out of bed and rushed to the door to open it.

Jason stood outside your door in the dim lights of the hallway, frowning and running his fingers nervously through his messy dark hair. He was wearing a t-shirt with boxers, standing awkwardly.

“Jason?” you hated how your voice sounded so sleepy. You cleared your throat. “Are you okay? Would you like to come in?”

He nodded silently, and you made way for him to enter before closing the door behind you.

“Sit on the bed,” you told him while jumping back into yours, sitting up cross legged.

The bed dipped when he sat on it, copying your motion and crossed his legs.

You waited for him to say something, your eyes straining to catch his in the dark. But he just remained silent, staring into space and avoiding your eyes.

“How did you know this was my room?” you asked, starting with a light topic.

“Only one that was locked. I already know where everyone else sleeps,” he explained.

“That’s right,” you realised, “I tend to forget that you’re probably even more familiar with the manor than I am.”

“Did you know there’s an old dumbwaiter in Bruce’s room?” you saw him smirk from the shadows that was casted on his face, “I used to hide in there, waiting to catch him off guard.”

“What? Why?”

“Dick and I, we had a bet,” he recalled the memory, “Whoever gets to surprise Bruce first would owe the other a special favor. Only rule was that we had to have it on video as proof.”

You appreciated that moment, the first time he ever spoke about both Dick and Bruce as a fond memory.

“I won, by the way,” he continued, “But- I forgot to press record on my phone.”

“Oh, no,” you groaned for him.

“Yeah, and Dick refused to believe me,” he chuckled, “That old man didn’t want to admit it either. But I swear- the look on his face when I jumped out while he and some model were going at it- priceless.”

Your jaw dropped, and then you burst into a fit of laughter, tears filling your eyes.

“You- you- you jumped out on him while he was having sex?!” you squealed.

“Yeah,” he grinned, “I didn’t even care that it sort of scarred me, because I managed to catch Batman off guard.”

The both of you laughed, his deep voice mingling with your own on that quiet night.

“I’m glad you’re here, Jason,” you smiled warmly at him.

But then, his smile fell.

“I hate my name now.”

“I’m sorry,” you began, “You said it was okay to call you that, so I-”

“No, it’s fine,” he started running his fingers through his hair again, “It’s just- I don’t know.”

“You can tell me anything,” you reassured, “It won’t leave this room. I promise.”

He looked at you, worry in his eyes. “Okay. Fine. Yeah.”

You waited for him to begin.

He took a deep breath. “I’ve been having nightmares. Almost every night. It’s always the same one.”

“You want to tell me about it?” you prompted him after waiting for him to continue.

“I hate my name because he said it a lot. Joker,” he scowled, “After repeatedly burning my skin for my name, it’s like that’s all he said. In that annoying, high pitched, sing-song voice of his. Jason, Jason, Jason. It made me hate my name. It made me hate hearing it.”

“I- I didn’t know how much time passed when I was in there,” he continued, “But, fuck. It was- it was hell. And the worst part was that I kept on waiting for Bruce. Waiting and hoping for him to find me and save me. I was so desperate. You- I-”

He choked on his words. His eyes were squeezed shut and his lips tight.

You wanted to reach out to him, hug him, tell him that everything was okay now. But you didn’t. You waited for him to collect himself so he could finish telling you his story, just like how he wanted to.

“Anyway, I- despite all that,” he sighed, “That was the only thing that kept me sane. I kept on clinging onto the hope that he was out there, searching. And that helped for a while. Until- until that happened.”

He was breathing heavily now, fidgeting more. Jason was definitely getting increasingly agitated the deeper he went.

“Fuck,” he breathed, “Fuck.”

The moment you realised he was crying was when he let out a sniffle. You automatically took his hand in yours, squeezing it as a form of comfort.

“It’s okay,” you told him, “You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready.”

“No,” he shook his head, “I need to. I have to. I can’t take this anymore. Keeping everything in, I feel like I’m about to fucking explode.”

“Okay, then take it slow,” you said, “No rush. Anytime you’re ready.”

He nodded, eyes still closed, as if he was afraid of letting you see him cry.

“One night,” he began, “I think- I don’t know what was different- but I think something went wrong for him. Or right? That’s how it was. Tormenting me was fun, but it was also an outlet for him. But at the same time when he was happy, he also tortured me. He came to me, and- injected me with some sort of drug. That never happened before. He made sure that my head was clear whenever he hurt me so that I could feel everything he did.”

“But- he did- and- immediately, I felt weak,” he continued, “I mean, I was already weak. But my head. It was cloudy. I remember everything clearly, but it was like my brain couldn’t process it, couldn’t communicate with my body. I felt like I was looking out through a window that was my eyes- like I was in someone else’s body, experiencing someone else’s moments.”

“He released me,” Jason’s voice was now barely a whisper. “He released me from the ropes, and I fell to the floor. And then he- he- fuck.”

He let go of your hand and started pulling at his hair, rocking back and forth on your bed. He was sobbing now, his shoulders jerking up in sharp intakes of breaths. The only thing you could do was to stay silent and hold back your own tears.

You rested your hand on his knee, giving him a textile connection with reality so he doesn’t fall into his own thoughts.

“You- he- he- ruh- ruhp-”

Your heart sank to your stomach in horror as you realised what Jason was trying to say. It was as if you were plunged into icy water, chills running down your spine at the true revelation of what he had gone through in that cursed cell.

“Oh, no,” you breathed.

“He pushed me down,” he choked, “Pushed me down and climbed on top. I- I couldn’t even fight him. I was- I was conscious the whole time and I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t fucking do anything.”

Your tears were falling down now, both at the sight of Jason looking so vulnerable and fragile, and at his confession. Not being able to help yourself, you threw your arms over his neck and crashed into his hard body, burying your face in the crook of his shoulder.

His arms immediately wrapped around you, clutching you so hard it was painful as he buried his own face into your shoulder.

“And he kept on saying my name,” he said in muffled cries, “Jason, Jason, Jason. The whole fucking time. And- and I knew. He didn’t do it for pleasure. He did it to torment me. He- he didn’t even- he didn’t even finish.”

Jason sobbed into your skin for the next few minutes, his tears soaking through your night shirt. “But I did. Even though it was painful. Fuck, the pain was worse than anything he had ever done to me before. But- he- I- I fucking came.”

The both of you were sobbing now, his ragged breaths mingling together with your own on that quiet night.

His grip on you was tight, as if he thought that if he let go, you would disappear. So he clung onto you with all his might to keep you there with him as he recalled the horrific events.

“That's what broke me. I was so disgusted with myself. I hated myself. And he- he saw everything and- and laughed. He laughed so hard, I thought he was going to choke and die. I’ve never seen him laugh like that. And I remember every single fucking moment of being helpless on that fucking floor while he- fuck. Fuck.”

“And then he left. He left me on the floor bleeding and I never saw him again. And I went fucking insane. I tried to kill myself so many fucking times. So many times, I lost count. That’s what I dream about every night. His laughs, and his ‘Jason, Jason, Jason’.”

And that was that. That was the story.

The end of Jason Todd.

The both of you cried long and hard that night in each other’s arms. Eventually, you both lied down on the pillows together, underneath the covers.

“Please don’t tell Bruce,” he whispered to you.

Your head was on his chest, his big arms wrapped around your waist, your legs tangled with his.

You smiled at that. Even with the trauma, even with the sense of abandonment he felt, he still wanted to protect Bruce from knowing the truth.

Because the both of you knew that the truth would kill him.

“I promise,” you whispered back.

And then the both of you fell asleep together.

***

“Has Jason been sleeping in your room with you?” Bruce asked you on one fine Saturday morning at breakfast.

It had been about a week and a half since the first time Jason knocked on your door and poured out his feelings to you.

“He gets nightmares,” you tried to explain.

He thought that if he told you everything, the nightmares would stop. But it didn’t. But he then realised that the only thing that made it better was sleeping by your side, having someone there to wake him up from living his own hell in a loop.

“And do the two of you… Just sleep?” Bruce frowned.

“Yes!” you widen your eyes in horror at the insinuation. “Bruce! Come on!”

“I know you have feelings for him, and I’m sure he does for you as well. But I don’t think something like that is what Jason needs right now,” he stated.

“Yes, I know!” you groaned at the thought having that kind of conversation with him, “Jesus, Bruce. I know. I’m just there to wake him up or help him fall back asleep. Nothing more.”

Bruce nodded, deep in thought. “Has he… told you? About what happened?”

You pursed your lips. “Yes.”

“You’re not going to tell me?”

“No.”

“Hmm,” his frown went deeper. “I understand. He will tell me when he is ready.”

“Exactly,” you smiled, hiding the fact that Jason may never tell Bruce what happened. Never the full story.

“He still hasn’t left the manor?”

“No,” you sighed, “I asked him if he wanted some fresh air. Just outside the main door, not even going down the steps. But he refused. Told me to, and I quote, ‘Fuck off’.”

“Well, he’s only just left the cave, and it’s just to your room,” Bruce thought out loud, “It’s still progress. Especially since he’s been talking to you about the past.”

“He only spoke about it one time,” you said, “And then never again.”

“I see,” he hummed, “And you’re okay with him sleeping with you?”

“Next to me, Bruce, sleeping next to me,” you corrected.

“Yes, and you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah, it’s all good,” you assured him, “I can kick him out any time I want- but I don’t want to. He looks like a lost puppy sometimes.”

“An angry lost puppy.”

You chuckled at that and couldn’t agree more.

*** While Jason got the sleep he needed when he was next to you, it was counterproductive on your end. You had never been with anyone before, and definitely had not slept on the same bed with another man.

So to feel his body heat and breaths against your skin, his occasional light snores, it made your mind go on hyperdrive.

Most of the time, the two of you would just lie down, your back against his front, or your backs against each other, or both on your backs just staring at the ceiling- and talked. You would be the one talking the most, of course, about anything you could think of. You would tell him about your day, your patrols, something you read about online, or the current news.

But that one particular night during week three of him sleeping next to you, the two of you were silent. It wasn’t an awkward or uncomfortable silence, but the kind of silence that was pleasant and was better described as a peaceful quiet.

You had your back pressed against his front and his arm was lazily draped over your waist. It was a cold night, and you were wearing just a tank top and pyjama shorts, snuggling under the covers that went up all the way to your nose.

Shifting a bit while snuggling comfortably, you pressed yourself against Jason’s body to get more of his heat. But then, you were met with something poking against your lower back.

“Ngh, please ignore that,” Jason huffed.

Oh.

For some reason, you forgot that Jason was a physically healthy male who was capable of having sexual thoughts and feelings. All this while, you thought you were the only one.

“Are you- uh- is that- uh-” you stuttered, feeling your face flush with heat.

Feeling your body suddenly alert with excitement.

“Yes, it’s my fucking penis,” he grit almost angrily, “What, never heard of an erection before?”

“Of course I have!” you argued rather defensively, “It’s just- I’m surprised, that’s all.”

“Why?” he demanded, “You didn’t think I could get it up or something?”

“No, of course not!” you denied, “It just didn’t cross my mind, that’s all.”

A pause. Then-

“Well,” he sighed, “You wouldn’t have been wrong.”

Your mind blanked for a second.

“What do you mean?” you asked softly.

“It’s my- fuck- it’s my first time,” he confessed.

“Your first time getting an erection?” you gasped.

“No, you idiot,” he snapped, “It’s my first time getting hard since… since… then.”

Oh. Oh, you were an idiot.

“It’s just- after that- even when I was downstairs, alone and safe, I- I couldn’t,” he told you, “I kept on thinking back to that time and- and I couldn’t. I found it disgusting.”

And immediately, like someone doused you in cold water, any feeling of horniness you had when you first felt his erection against you disappeared. You just felt so sad for him, but also angry. Angry that he had to go through all of that, and angrier that there was nothing you could do about it.

“So, why do you think you’re getting it now?” you asked. Perhaps talking about it in an objective manner would help guide him through his thought process.

“Are you kidding me?” he scoffed, “You’re fucking pressing your ass against my dick, what did you think would happen?”

“Wait, what?” your eyes widen, “You’re hard because of me?”

“No shit,” he said, “You’re hardly wearing any clothes, too.”

You shouldn’t feel happy due to the circumstance and context, but there you were ecstatic that he found you attractive enough to pop a boner after so long.

“Fuck,” he sighed, suddenly pressing himself closer to you.

His hand that draped over your waist when to actually grip it. Then, then, he grinded his hard on against your ass.

“Mmm,” he rumbled deeply, “Feels good.”

There. That was it. You were once again flooded with the feeling of heat that pooled at your stomach, a tingling sensation started at your core. Feeling hot despite the low temperature of the night, you clenched your thighs together, needing the slight pressure.

“Yeah?” you whispered.

“Yeah,” he grinded on you again, and then unexpectedly let out a chuckle.

“What is it?” you smiled, loving it whenever you heard him laugh.

“I thought… For the longest time, I thought I was broken. That he broke me,” he revealed, “I thought I needed to get all Wingardium Leviosa on this little fucker.”

“Oh my God,” you laughed and groaned at the same time, “You’re so fucking embarassing.”

He laughed along with you and continued. “But now I’m hard and- and horny. You made me feel like I’m normal again. Like I’m sixteen again, and getting horny over everything.”

Sometimes, we take the normal things for granted. Food, shelter, clothes. In this case, it was a goddamned boner. In a way, Jason’s erection was symbolic- however funny it sounded. Getting your sexual appetite and need back after being so traumatised was a massive leap for many people who had experienced the same thing.

It meant that Jason was healing well.

“Does that make you happy?” you asked.

“Not particularly,” he admitted, “But I’m definitely not sad either.”

“That’s good enough for now, then,” you beamed.

“Yeah,” he breathed.

Another few moments of silence. You could feel it, his cock pushing into you. However tempted you were to push back and grind, you held yourself still.

“Uh, Jason?” you voiced.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to like, take care of it?” you asked, “I mean. My bathroom is available. Or- there are many empty rooms.”

“No,” he simply stated.

“No?”

“No.”

“It’s kinda poking into me.”

“Just ignore it.”

“Ignore it?” you gaped, “How can I ignore it? You’re literally pressing it into my ass.”

“Well, then do you want to take care of it?” he teased.

You couldn’t argue back. “Fine, I’ll ignore it.”

He chuckled. “I’ll turn around.”

When he made the movement, you suddenly grabbed him by the wrist. “No, it’s fine. Stay here.”

You expected him to tease you like he usually would, make a crass comment, or even a ‘fuck off’.

Instead, he wrapped his arms around you again in silence, and the both of you drifted to sleep.

***

“Do you think this color suits me?” Natalie asked, holding up a floral red dress.

The four of you were at the mall in Diamond District. Now that high school was over, and everyone would be going off to separate colleges in a few months, you tried to spend time with each other as much as you could.

“Any color suits you, Nat,” you rolled your eyes, “You’re hot stuff.”

“Jesus, it’s like you’re shoving it in our faces at this point,” Sarah added, flipping her brunette hair to the side, tight curls flowing down.

“Aw, you guys,” Nat pretended to tear up, “I’m gonna miss you guys so much!”

“Not again,” Alex groaned, “We’ve been through this so many times.”

“I’m gonna be so miserable without you guys,” Natalie continued on, ignoring Alex’s interruption.

“I don’t know,” Sarah shrugged, “I think I’d enjoy New York. I can have pizza parties with the rats in my overpriced apartment.”

You chuckled at Sarah’s joke. Everyone was leaving Gotham except you. Deciding to continue with Robin, you opted for Gotham University- prestigious, old, and most importantly, close to home.

Your phone dinged in your pocket. You opened it to find texts from Dick.

Dick: OH MY GOD. Dick: I’m at the Manor. Dick: Was going to the Cave gym to work out. Dick: AND Dick: JASON IS HERE!!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!

That was new. Jason would usually just use whatever basic equipment he had in his room to work out. The fact that he was at the Cave’s sparring area where all the other fancier work out equipment were was out of the ordinary.

You: Just go. See if he reacts. If he suddenly stiffens and just stay there not doing anything, then leave. If he continues on, then it’s okay to stay- but don’t initiate anything! Dick: OKOKOK

You waited anxiously for Dick’s update. All four of you were now walking towards the food court, but you hardly listened to their bickering. Forty-five minutes passed before Dick texted you again.

Dick: OMG HE TALKED TO ME You: What did he say? Dick: He asked me to pass him his towel. You: That’s all he said? Dick: IT’S PROGRESS OKAY!!

Dick was right. It meant that Dick was now the third person Jason had spoken to. Adding another person to his list of contacts was definitely progress.

You were happy for him.

You:Is he still there? Dick: Nah he left Dick: But WOW he’s looking good. He must have been really going at it. I think he might get bigger than me soon You: All he does now is work out. He’s obsessed. Dick: Yeah I can tell

You decided to leave it at that for now and try to concentrate on your friends, but Dick sent another message.

Dick: ARE YOU TWO HAVING SEX?!?!

You spat out your drink, earning weird looks from everyone.

You: DICK!!!! WTF NO!!

Dick never replied.

***

“Can I ask you for a favor?” Jason asked, his voice breaking the silence of your dark room. The two of you were on your bed, lying down and staring at the ceiling.

“Of course,” you said. It didn’t matter to you what Jason asks for. He hardly ever asked for anything.

“Could you… Take me out tomorrow?” he requested, “If you’re not doing anything else, that is.”

“Uh, sure!” you nodded, surprised. “Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere,” he shrugged, “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, okay,” you hesitated, “But- are you sure? I mean, you don’t have to go so far so quickly. Maybe you should start with just going to the backyard?”

“No, I’ll be fine,” he insisted. “I’m not a kid.”

“Okay then,” you agreed. “Tomorrow.”

You kept on glancing anxiously at him the next day as he climbed into the passenger seat of your car. He was quiet, but looked perfectly fine.

Switching the engine on, you drove out of the garage and out the large automatic gates. Trees soon surrounded the lonely road on both sides as you descended downhill into town.

“So where are we going?” he asked.

“I thought Robinson Park would be nice,” you said. It was around three in the afternoon, yet Gotham was dark as though the day was ending. It was cloudy, skies grey and wind blowing.

“You’re taking me to a park?” he scoffed.

“It’s more quiet than anywhere else,” you reasoned with him, “Less people. Spacious. Lots of greenery.”

“Whatever.”

Reaching the parking space of the park, you noticed that there were a few cars. Mothers and nannies liked to bring children out to the park around that time. Joggers and teens, college students and retired elderly seeking a little escape from the high rise buildings of concrete and glass.

You turned the engine off and proceeded to open the door, only then noticing Jason stiffening. Looking over to him, you saw that his eyebrows were pulled down in a deep frown, his jaw clenched, his hands in fists on his knees.

You didn’t say anything or make any comment. Leaning back into your seat, you waited until Jason was ready.

About five minutes passed before he took a deep breath, gave you a nod, and then opened his door.

The two of you walked along a path at the park, going deeper inside and further away from your car. There were a few joggers around, some tourists, and some teens taking photos. You saw a group of kids in the distance playing frisbee, and the others were walking their dogs.

An empty bench stood in the middle of the park, overlooking a clearing. You headed there, Jason following closely behind.

“It’s a bit gloomy today,” you pouted, “As if Gotham could be anything other than that, of course.”

You looked at Jason.

He looked like a scared dog being brought out for the first time.

His jittery knees were bouncing rapidly, his wide eyes were darting at every movement, his forehead was covered with a thin layer of sweat, and his breathing was heavy.

“Woah, woah,” you reached out to him, putting an arm on his back. “It’s okay. I’m here. Just listen to me talk, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he gulped.

“Try to calm your breathing,” you instructed, “Deep breaths, Jason. In… out… In… Out… Yeah, see that’s great.”

“Yeah,” he breathed, now calmer. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you smiled warmly, “You’re doing just fine.”

“No, I’m not,” he strained, “I feel like everything is too big. Too vast. The fucking sky looks like it’s going to crash down on me and at the same time suck me up into a void.”

“And despite all you’re feeling right now, you’re not breaking down or anything, are you?” you tried, “You’re okay, Jason. This is progress.”

“I guess,” he sighed, “I’m just- I’m so used to having four walls and a ceiling. Now everything feels too big.”

“I understand,” you empathized, “Whenever you want to go back, just say the word. Or we can even just go and sit in the car. No problem.”

“Yeah, okay, let’s do that,” he stood up.

The walk back to the car was faster.

“Fuck, I’m so fucking pathetic,” he said, running his fingers through his hair.

“No, you’re not,” you reassured him, “That was great, Jason. Come on, it was your first time outside in two years and a half. Cut yourself some slack.”

“I’m so fucking broken,” he choked.

“Don’t say that,” you scolded, “You’re not broken. And you know what, even if you think you are, we can always fix it. Baby steps. Maybe we can do this once a week. We were out for like, ten minutes? Next week we’ll try fifteen. How’s that sound?”

“Twice a week,” he stated, “I just want to be normal again.”

“Okay, twice a week, then,” you agreed, “We’ll try again in a couple of days, okay?”

“Okay,” he paused, “Thank you.”

“No problemo,” you grinned, “Would you like to stay here a bit longer or shall we go back?”

“Let’s go back.”

“Wanna stop by the diner? You can wait in the car while I ask for a take-away?”

“...okay.”

***

Jason and you had gone out twice more. Once three days after the first time, and the other a week later. The second time he went out, he lasted twenty minutes, though you were sure he was being stubborn on his part. He looked like he was having a heart attack, but he insisted on staying until he hit the twenty minute mark.

The third time, he was much much better. Surprisingly so. The two of you sat down on that bench for half an hour, with you even leaving him alone for a few minutes to get two ice cream cones.

After that, you took him for a drive around the city. He seemed to be more comfortable in the car, so you went all the way from Robinson Park to Diamond District, and back to the manor.

Bruce seemed very pleased with your update, and you swore you could see him actually smile.

“Thank you,” he had told you. “You’ve done more than I could have ever asked of you.”

“It’s no problem, Bruce. Really,” you reassured him.

“I’m his father. He is my responsibility. It’s my fault he’s even in that state. I wish I could do more for him,” he said solemnly.

“The fact that you understand what he needs is more than helpful, Bruce,” you smiled, “Not many parents can do that. You understand and respect him. That’s enough for now.”

He simply nodded.

Ever since your scheduled outings, Jason had become more and more relaxed whenever he was in the manor. He now walked to the kitchen on occasion to mess with Alfred while he cooked meals for him, sometimes sitting in the living room lounging on the couch while reading. Most of the time, though, he was down at the sparring zone of the Cave, working out.

But at night, he would never fail to knock on your door.

And at that particular night, you found yourself in the same situation again while lying down on your side with your back to his front, for the fifth time.

“You officially have to stop calling yourself broken,” you grumbled, “Because that thing poking into my ass is definitely not broken.”

He chuckled lowly. “You complaining, sweetheart?”

Oh, and yes. Jason now had started calling you ‘sweetheart’. Why? You had no clue. It was just a thing that happened. The look on your face when he first slipped it in was probably a sight to behold.

“No shit, I’m complaining, Jason,” you groaned, “You haven’t jerked off, yet? Not even once?”

“Nope,” he popped the P, “I just… I don’t want to… I don’t want to come.”

You sighed, understanding the situation. He had been disgusted with himself because he had ejaculated when Joker… Well, that. You hated to even think about it, so you always shoved the thought away.

“But unfortunately for me, I still get super horny,” he rumbled deeply, pushing his hips into you even more, “So fucking horny.”

“And then I have to suffer,” you complained.

“I can assure you, blue balls are more painful than something poking into you,” he bickered.

“It’s not that…”

“Then?”

“I get horny too, come on man,” you whined, “I’m a hormonal teenage girl. What did you expect?”

“You get horny too?” he whispered after a pause.

“Uh, yeah,” you admitted nervously. Somehow, the mood shifted, and your heart started drumming against your chest.

“Because of me?” he asked.

“Not you specifically, I mean,” you tried to back track, “You’re… Your dick pressing up against me like that, I mean, come on, Jason.”

“Simple question sweetheart,” he told you, “You get horny because of me, yes or no?”

You gulped. “Yes.”

Fuck, why did you say yes? You could have lied. You could have not answered.

“Yeah?” he breathed. You noticed that his hand was now on your hip, right above the waistband of your sleeping shorts, drawing circles onto your skin with his thumb.

You were nervous. The butterflies in your tummy was not helping you calm down.

“Yeah,” you squeezed your eyes shut, as if to protect yourself from anything he had to say.

“Fuck,” he groaned, gripping your hips and grinding his hard on against your ass even more. And did it… Fuck, did it get even harder?

Afraid of saying the wrong thing, and also out of nervousness, you remained silent. Jason’s chest rose and fall against your back, his respiratory rate increasing. His pinky finger slid underneath the waistband, testing the waters before slowly slipping his hand into your pants.

He went in so slowly, as if waiting for you to tell him no, to rip his hand away, to wrench yourself away from him. But you never did, so he went in deeper, caressing the skin beneath your pelvic bone, his heat just burning into you.

“You’re not wearing any underwear,” he commented, voice suddenly husky.

“I don’t wear them to bed,” you informed him.

“You mean to tell me,” he growled, “That all this while I’ve been sleeping next to you and you never had your panties on?”

“It’s more comfortable that way,” you mumbled.

“Jesus Christ,” he cursed. “Thank God I never knew. Would have been torture, and trust me, I know what I’m talking about.”

“Jason,” you gasped.

“It’s true,” he said, “Damn, sweetheart.”

He went lower, closer to your center.

Your core was tingly, small pulses of electricity buzzed through your body as Jason came closer and closer and closer and-

He slipped his hands between your closed thighs and cupped you.

“Mmm,” he moaned softly, “Warm. Fuzzy.”

“Fuzzy?” you laughed, even though you felt like screaming on the inside. Screaming for more.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, burying his face into your nape, taking a deep breath. “You smell nice.”

Oh, shit. You totally forgot about Jason’s aversion to strong smells.

“I’m sorry!” you quickly apologised, “I can switch to an unscented shampoo as well so it wouldn’t be too strong for you.”

“It’s fine,” he said, “I like it on you.”

He ground his hand into your center harder.

“Mmpf, Jay,” you breathed, “What are you doing?”

“I don’t know,” he confessed, “I’ve never touched a girl like this before.”

“Really?” you widen your eyes in surprise.

“I was kept in a cell for two years, I couldn’t exactly talk, let alone touch, anyone can I?” he quipped.

“Right.”

“Teach me,” he said.

“What?” you whispered despite knowing what he meant.

A pause of silence. A deep intake of breath, a slow exhale.

“Teach me how to touch you,” he purred.

Fuck, you felt like exploding.

“Are you sure?” you asked.

“Yes. If you… If you want to.”

Your mind quickly tried to analyse the situation. Bruce had specifically said that Jason didn’t need any complicated matters in the relationship. It made sense. You didn’t want to overwhelm Jason with any confusion or uncertainty.

But at the same time, you’ve been figuring out how Jason thought, bit by bit. He’s told you many times that he just wanted to be normal again, to feel normal, to do normal things. And this was something that was normal, that he should do, that he wanted to do.

And you knew that he probably would take the rejection even worse.

“O-Okay,” you agreed.

Slowly, you separated your thighs, raising the one on top and hooking it over his legs behind you. Due to your shift in position, you felt the minute Jason’s fingers dip slightly into your folds.

“So, uh, this is my first time with a guy as well,” you squeaked, “But I’ll try to guide you.”

You licked your lips.

“Uhm, well, I guess you can start by running a finger up and down between my- oh! Yes, just like that.”

His middle finger slid down to your opening, and then up again slowly. His movements were uncertain, brushing only slightly against your clit unintentionally.

It was different, having someone else touch you. Somehow, despite the inexperience, it just felt better.

“Holy fuck,” he gasped, “You’re so fucking wet. Do you usually get this wet?”

You felt your cheeks heat up. “No? Yes? I don’t know! I can’t feel it.”

“Shit.”

You let him play with you some more, his fingers sliding up and down, sometimes pressing against your fleshy parts, sometimes circling and gathering your wetness, sometimes just parting your lips. Hell, he even tapped the tips of his fingers on you randomly or brushed into your delicate fuzz. You knew he was just exploring, feeling you for the first time.

And that thought made you smile and sigh.

“Teach me how to make you feel good,” he rasped.

“Uh, so your fingers are wet, right?”

“Yeah. Because you’re leaking all over them.”

“Okay, good. Now find my clit. It’s slightly above your finger, okay, to the left a bit. More. Okay, there! Yeah, right there,” you sighed, finally feeling that delicious pressure.

“Here?”

He tapped your clit.

“Ah!” you moaned, “Yes- but don’t just- nevermind, just gently circle it. Clockwise.”

He obeyed, and hell since when did Jason just obey?

He circled you gently, like you said. But he also went so, so slow.

“Faster, Jay,” you panted.

He went faster, making you groan in pleasure.

“Like this, sweetheart?” he muttered, his voice low and cracking, and sexy, and husky. You’ve never heard him sound like that before, and it drove you wild.

“Yeah,” you breathed, “Yeah, just like that. Fuck.”

“Feel good?”

“So good, Jay. Press a little harder now- fuck. Fuck. Yes, perfect. Just like that.”

The pressure built as his fingers did their magic.

“You- you’re surprisingly good at that,” you stuttered, “You sure- mmm- you sure you’ve never done this before?”

“Despite what you think,” he husked in your ear, warm breath tickling you. “I’m very good at following instructions.”

“I can see that.”

“But I’m also good at improvising.”

“Wha- oh. Oh. Fuck! Jason! Oh my fucking god!”

He started pressing even harder, and going even faster, throwing away the slow build you were going for and instead pushing you towards orgasm fast and hard, as if he was determined to prove something to you.

“Feel good, sweetheart?” he purred, “You gonna come soon?”

“Oh my- fuck, yes! Fuck, don’t stop!”

“You want to come for me?” his deep voice rumbled.

“Yes!”

What the hell? When did he learn how to talk like that?

Because with the mix of his heavy pants, his low voice coaxing you, his barrage of pleasure at your clit, you felt the familiar tightening of your core. You threw one hand back and found his hair. Running your fingers through them, you gripped them tight and pulled.

You pulled on his hair as he forced the orgasm onto you.

“Oh my God. Jason, I’m gonna- fuck- I’m- fuck- ah!”

You moaned loudly as you felt your walls flutter, clenching over nothing as you reached your high.

“O-okay, stop, fuck,” your hand went from his hair to his wrist, stilling him. He withdrew his hands from your pants, and went to grip you tight again by the waist.

“Fucking hell, sweetheart,” he groaned, grinding into you. You pushed your ass back, feeling his hardened length against your flesh in your post-orgasm bliss. “Jesus, that was so hot.”

“That was- yeah,” you giggled, “Fuck.”

His face was still buried in your neck. You could feel his lips on your skin.

“Uhm, I can, you know,” you sputtered, “Try to help you out?”

“It’s fine,” he breathed, body still tight against yours, “Just go to sleep.”

“Are you sure?” you asked again, feeling guilty that he didn’t get off. “I don’t mind.”

“I do,” he said, “It’s okay, sweetheart. That was great. I enjoyed that. I told you, I don’t want to come.”

“Okay,” you sighed.

“Go to bed.”

“Thank you, Jason.”

“Fuck, I’m so horny.”

“Jason,” you whined, “Really, I can help-”

“I’m kidding,” he chuckled, “Goodnight.”

You pursed your lips.

“Goodnight.”

[andorwhore]

Saudade - IV of VII

Chapter IV of VII: Care

summary: A year in the life of a rebel with a cause and a rebel in search of one… chapter four: Lose has a tendency to bring people close, and that can be daunting.

author’s note: Who hasn’t updated since October? I guess it’s me, the resident asshole author. I took a very long and unexpected break from writing due to school and work, and I still haven’t written any new content unfortunately. But I thought it would be a shame to let this complete chapter sit around unpublished. So, I’m hoping that this will motivate me to finish up this story (and potentially add that new chapter I’ve been considering). And if I never get around to wrapping this fic up, at the very least this is the perfect chapter to leave it on.

pairing: Cassian Andor x OC word count: 11,465 (longest one yet babey) rating: T, eventual R warnings: is ~*~intimacy~*~ something that requires a warning lol

chapter one || chapter two || chapter three || chapter four

[ff.net] [ao3]

taglist: @justanotherblonde23​

The Festival of Stars was a celebration Jai was quite familiar with, or at least as familiar as the average person could be. She didn't know the exact origin of the festival week, though she knew it had something to do with interstellar space travel; what she did know with certainty is that every year, the Ring of Kafrene became overloaded with travelers during the holiday, en route to destinations all across the galaxy. On Kafrene, the people took to celebrating it as well, though as Jai got older she realized it was a means of ripping off all the gullible tourists that made pit stops on the colony. Residents of Kafrene were smart to jump on the opportunity, Jai's friends and family included, and ironically enough, because of the locals' investment in playing travelers for fools, the festival in its own way became a part of what little culture Kafrene had.

Jai hadn't expected to hear anything about the festival on Yavin 4. Hell, she all but forgot about the holiday week, the last six months of her life having been all consumed by Alliance business. She first heard someone mention the Festival of Stars just as they were heading back to the base after a mission to a planet called Naator (this being yet another world Jai had no prior knowledge of). She was brought along on the mission as tech support, though Jai was fairly certain she wouldn't be needed.

She had ended up spending a whole day on Naator just sitting in the ship and waiting for her team to return. The most thrilling thing that happened to Jai was when some local animal spooked her as she did an engine check in the morning, and she nearly fried the creature with her blaster. Her team returned successful, and they were off of the planet just as quickly as they had arrived.

As they started on their few hours journey to return back to Yavin 4, one of the team members reminded everyone that the holiday was going on that week, and that they should make a pit stop to pick up a few things to celebrate. Jai listened with intrigue as the group excitedly discussed the festivity, curious to hear about it from the perspective of those that didn't grow up trying to find ways to profit off of the holiday.

Apparently, quite a number of the rebels celebrated it every year, along with the other two Fete Weeks. Jai, of course, didn't know about these other weeks - they had their own dumb holidays back on the Ring of Kafrene, and the Festival of Stars was the only one she knew of that was celebrated in all corners of the galaxy. Rebels, no matter what planet they came from, all seemed to love the holiday, saw it as an opportunity to relax and forget their responsibilities for a while.

Although the festival was traditionally celebrated over the course of five days, the Rebellion only had two evenings unofficially dedicated to it - after all, it wouldn't be very practical if they spent an entire week partying. The "unofficial" part, someone explained to Jai, was because the council of superiors didn't recognize it as any kind of reprieve from work - they were happy to allow their rebels to celebrate, and even happy to take part in the festivities if time allowed, but the Festival of Stars wasn't something marked on everyone's calendars as time off. In the Rebellion, there was no such thing as time off. If someone was lucky enough to have one of the two evenings free, then they were welcome to join in the party.

Jai's team were all planning to attend once they got back to Yavin 4, encouraging the slicer to join them - and Jai was never one to turn down a party.

The Naator mission team ended up going a little crazy during their pit stop on one of the planets in the nearest trading belt - apparently, Jai observed, the Festival of Stars was more like the Festival of Drinking among the rebels. They grabbed everything from spicebrew to malts to drinks that Jai had never even heard of; and, of course, she made sure they grabbed as much Merenzane Gold as they could manage. Jai could only wonder just how much alcohol there would be at base once the other rebels returned from their missions as well, all surely having the same idea as her team.

By the time they returned to Yavin 4, evening was slowly closing in, and the hangar seemed far more crowded than usual - it would seem the partying was far too big for the confines of the mess hall, as the rebels took to setting up out here instead. The Naator team was already buzzing with impatience as the gunship settled on the tarmac, everyone waiting to jump out and join the party that had just begun over on the west side of the hangar. Everyone grabbed up the boxes of alcohol scattered across the ship - Jai made sure she grabbed at least one of the crates of Merenzane.

As she stepped off of the ship, Jai felt a warmth swelling in her chest, hearing her teammates chattering excitedly and the carefree voices of their fellow rebels drifting towards them from the west side. Back home, Jai and her brothers loved the Festival of Stars, and they almost always managed to convince Tillian and Vinis to let them run off amongst the crowds each evening rather than have them work at Vinis' shop in the market (or have them take advantage of the tourists' guards being down). When the three of them were out together, watching the performances other locals put on, hearing the excited chatter of people on the streets, climbing up on rooftops to watch the crowd with interest and awe, they were unstoppable. They always ended those evenings on the roof of their home, staying up into the wee hours of the mornings to watch all of the excitement - up there, they felt as if they were on top of the entire world.

Those were simpler times, before Tillian passed, before Jai's brother ran off with some unscrupulous stranger, when they were still young and hopeful and without a care in the world. Jai missed those days and missed what her family used to be. The holiday didn't feel the same after they lost Tillian, and by the time her brother left, the festival was practically nonexistent to her - they could never go back to the dream of their childhood, and Jai had come to accept that. But as she walked through the hangar with her excited teammates, each with a bit of a skip in their steps, Jai felt as if this could start a new festival tradition for her, one that, though not the same as that of her past, would be just as good. This was the next chapter of her life, and with the next chapter came new things to love and be excited about.

Another half a dozen or so ships had pulled into the hangar after the Naator team, all landing on the opposite end of the hangar from where the enlivened rebels were setting up drinks and tables. Jai was about halfway to her destination when she looked back towards the new ships, but they were too far off for her to immediately identify any of them. Beside her, the team leader, Kinall, asked Jai if she felt steady enough to take another box of alcohol on top of the one she already had - Kinall had to head up to Command to report to her superior about the mission. Jai gave a histrionic sigh, but agreed to take the second crate, readjusting her grip on the box of Merenzane Gold before Kinall set the second box atop it. The captain spun around to head towards the turbolift, Jai watching her walk off while she ensured her grip was steady before continuing towards the party.

"I think you have a drinking problem." a voice teased noncommittally from somewhere behind Jai, causing a smile to pull across her face as she rolled her eyes. Turning around carefully so as not to drop anything, she spotted Cassian and K-2SO approaching her, looking as if they, too, had just returned from a mission. Cassian had a teasing smirk on his lips, and yet the expression didn't even remotely reach his eyes; and, though Kay was expressionless, he still somehow seemed eternally judgmental.

"My only drinking problem is that I haven't had enough yet to deal with you." Jai retorted, looking past Cassian at all the other rebels that had come back from their various missions, wondering briefly if Cassian had gone with a team or if his job had been solo.

Nearly everyone returned with something in hand, most of which Jai was sure had to be booze, though unsurprisingly, Cassian was empty handed.

For another moment, Jai watched the other rebels as most of them walked in her direction, though she noted the few that quickly made their way for the turbolift instead, heads down and expressions distraught. Must have been a sour mission that dampened their mood.

Jai looked between Cassian and the two crates she carried as they began to feel even heavier, "Help a girl out, would you?"

Cassian glanced with disinterest at the boxes in her arms, though Jai could now recognize the waggish glint on his face that, once again, didn't quite seem to reach his eyes, "You look like you've got a handle on it."

She gave him a small glare before turning her eyes up towards K-2SO, but before Jai could say anything, the droid spoke, "Don't assume I'll help you with it."

Jai scoffed, "Such gentlemen…"

She and Cassian met eyes again as he gave a tired, agreeing grin, stepping up to take the top box from her, Jai's arms immediately feeling relieved at the lightened load. As she turned back around for them to head toward the tables, she eyed Cassian curiously, noticing that his posture seemed exhausted and his face worn.

"What, didn't bring anything for the party?" The man looked back at her, his expression a little less amused than before. His lips seemed to press tightly together for a slight second. There was something on his mind, that much Jai could discern, but she was certain that Cassian would avoid mentioning it.

"I have no interest in parties."

Jai shouldn't have been at all surprised by the answer. Of course Cassian wasn't the party going type - he preferred his brooding to having a good time. Ever since their night of drinking two months back, Jai hadn't been able to get him to do so since. Sure, Cassian had a drink here or there that she knew of, but the two haven't since sat down and dedicated a couple of hours to simply drinking and chatting as freely and carelessly as they had back then. That evening caused a shift in their relationship, even if by this point they couldn't exactly remember all of that night.

They were friends now, even if Cassian refused to ever say so out loud. That didn't mean they saw each other everyday nor did they have the chances to make great efforts to spend time together, however, they could both feel it in the way they talked, the way they seemed to feel more at ease with one another, the way they simply seemed to fit together.

Jai had somehow convinced Cassian to spend meals with her and her other friends in the mess hall on a few rare occasions, and when she wasn't busy with something Jai wandered her way to Cassian's ship or up to the control room to take some time to chat with him if she knew he was around base. Neither had been back to the other's dorm, however - that evening months ago was a strange exception, and without saying so they both had a feeling that the next time that happened, it'd be very different from that time before.

Jai liked Cassian - most of the time, she was pretty sure she knew it was just as a friend, but every now and again she caught herself looking at him a certain way, looking at him with a warmth in her chest that she didn't feel often enough to be able to surely identify it. It didn't linger all too often, but when it did it wasn't easy to ignore; Jai could tell herself it was the kind of warmth one felt for a friend, but then she'd catch herself admiring him too closely or getting lost somewhere in her head if someone mentioned his name, and she knew there was no way this warmth was simply one of friendship.

It wasn't a crush - that word certainly felt too juvenile to describe whatever this was. Jai simply saw it as the part of her that got caught up in the "what ifs" - what if we met in a different way in a different place, what if we weren't in this rebellion, what if he wasn't so guarded and distant? The "what ifs" were casual and non committal - they weren't real wants or desires, Jai told herself. They were simple considerations that passed through her mind as if they were foolish impulses, like those pesky voices that asked "what if you just shocked yourself with one of your tools to see what would happen" or "what if you went and jumped out of a ship without taking any precautions?"

And this was a ship that Jai had no intention of jumping out of - it was better if it all just stayed up in her head. She didn't dare let herself wonder if Cassian ever had those random intrusive thoughts - he struck her as the kind of guy who simply didn't have the time for intrusive thoughts. Even when he wasn't busy, his mind was at work, and there was no room for useless thinking as far as she could tell.

So, the fact that Cassian didn't do parties was something Jai could have guessed about him - just like useless thoughts, Cassian didn't seem to have time for useless events either. Though, it was still disappointing to hear from him, because Jai saw Cassian as someone that was in desperate need of some lighthearted fun every now and again.

Jai hummed as they set the crates atop a table full of alcohol of all varieties, other rebels already swarming to grab some for themselves, "That's a shame, I really could use someone to help me drink all this Merenzane."

As she grinned at Cassian, Jai snagged a bottle of her favorite drink before they could all disappear. Cassian glanced at the bottle before his eyes flicked back up to meet Jai's for a moment with a raised brow; he looked behind himself at Kay as if he could get Cassian out of this party, but the damned droid had already retreated with disinterest.

"You'll have to find another drinking partner, Jai." He replied plainly… no, it wasn't plain, he sounded exhausted; he knew, though, that the woman almost surely wasn't going to accept his answer. Jai was persistent when she wanted to be, and something about Cassian always seemed to make her more tenacious than she usually was. Cassian discovered that, apparently, after making some passing comment to someone about Jai's persistence, she was never so stubborn with others, as his comment surprised the rebel he was talking to. She must have reserved all of that tiresome stubbornness for him and him alone. Upon discovering that, Cassian repeatedly had to stop himself from overthinking what that meant.

Cassian could tell from the look in Jai's eyes that she was about to attempt to persuade him to stay for a little while, and he could also see that she was hoping that she'd succeed. Giving her his own resolute look, Cassian turned his shoulder and started walking out of the crowd of other rebels.

"You know you can relax every now and again." Jai's voice chimed up from right alongside him; she sounded caring, as if she wasn't simply asking for his company, but asking for him to be at ease for once, "Maybe a party would be good for you."

"I think not." He glanced down at her. His tone nor his expression were either harsh or dismissive, but that weariness Jai spotted earlier seemed almost more present in his eyes, "I have to go debrief with Draven."

Jai couldn't argue with that particular point, knowing it to be true, though she was sure a debriefing couldn't take up much of his time. She sighed a little through her nose as she looked down at the Merenzane she was carrying. Something seemed to be bothering Cassian, or maybe this last mission was just so draining that he couldn't commit himself to socializing.

"Come back down for one drink?" She tried one final time, seeing the consideration on Cassian's face when she looked back toward him.

A part of Cassian wanted to say yes. Despite how awful he felt, and despite his complete lack of interest in the Festival of Stars, a part of him wanted to agree to a drink with some good company. He began to consider that maybe a drink is exactly what his drained heart needed right now, what his weathered mind could use. Though he wasn't keen on joining a pointless party, Cassian felt some kind of pull towards spending time with Jai, especially given the way she looked at him with such hopefulness. Whether that be because he was fond of her or because he knew he had something important to say to her, he wasn't sure.

After all these months, Jai had become a friend, though her tactics were relatively new ones to him - any time she was told "Cassian doesn't do this" or "Cassian doesn't like that," she blatantly did whatever those things were to challenge them, to test them and see if they were true or if simply no one else dared to try to get any closer to him.

Cassian would have expected himself to become annoyed by Jai's persistence, but despite himself he found that he respected it, found that he even came to genuinely like it - because he kept so many people at arm's length, he was refreshed by Jai's resolve to get to know him, to be his friend and to see him open up. Sure, Jai's disregard for his space could occasionally be a pain in his ass, but more often than not it turned out to be exactly what Cassian needed in a companion, in a friend, in… well, he didn't want to consider what she could be beyond a friend.

Jai raised one brow as a grin spread across her lips - Cassian's silent consideration was a promising reaction, she had come to learn. The silence meant he was interested in her offer, at least to some degree, he just simply didn't want to admit so. As he recognized the look on Jai's face, Cassian sighed with an indignant roll of his eyes.

He lifted his index finger between them for emphasis, "One drink."

Jai's smile grew wider as she motioned with her head towards the turbolift, hoping her smile would help lift some of that obvious stress off of his shoulders, "Go take care of your debriefing, captain."

The trace of a sad smile pulled at Cassian's face as he turned away from the woman to make his retreat. Jai watched him go with a content expression, eyeing her friend closely until finally the doors of the lift closed, only catching at the very last second that there appeared to be some kind of a sadness in his eyes.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Jai had a feeling Cassian was going to flake on her.

Captain Kinall from Jai's mission already returned to the hangar, and the woman had gone up to command only a few minutes before Cassian. She'd been back long enough to finish one drink, and Jai found herself wondering if Cassian's debriefing had run over, or if he changed his mind and went back to his dorm without telling her.

She shouldn't be upset at him. It felt childish, this anxiety that bubbled in Jai's chest as she considered why Cassian didn't show. If he didn't want to join her for a drink, then so be it - she shouldn't let herself get upset over that, it was far too out of character.

But a small, nagging part of Jai was, at the very least, disappointed - despite how uneventful their conversations could be sometimes, she nonetheless was looking forward to getting some time with Cassian tonight. She always looked forward to even the briefest of minutes she got to see him.

Jai sat at one of the tables dragged out for the party, Abe and Miona across from her, and beside her another doctor named Pek. For what felt like the hundredth time, Miona was encouraging Abe to talk to another rebel that he fancied, and Pek was telling Miona and Jai to stop pestering him about it.

Of all the twi'leks Jai had met through the years, Abe was by far the most peculiar - the twi'leks back on Kafrene always seemed bold, fearless, and without any hesitation, but Abe was constantly getting caught up in his own head, always questioning and calculating everything before coming to any decision. It's what Jai found charming about him; the fact that he shared that quality with her younger brother is what drew her to Abe in the first place.

"Jai," Miona's voice stressed, drawing her friend from her daze - stupidly, Jai had been staring at the turbolift and once more got caught up wondering where Cassian was. Jai quickly collected herself, looking around the table, "Tell Abe he just needs to go talk to Chiri."

Jai could see Pek and Abe both roll their eyes, and the slicer gave a half-assed grin, "Abe, tonight is kind of the perfect night to go for it, what could go wrong?"

"I'm not going to make an idiot of myself trying to flirt with anyone." Abe argued nervously, looking tired to be having this conversation yet again.

Jai shrugged noncommittally, lifting her glass to her lips, "Then stop ogling her every time you see her - she might start to notice you."

Miona laughed good-naturedly, setting her hand on Abe's forearm as reassurance.

"Leave him alone, you guys." Pek rolled her eyes at them, giving Jai a little jab with her elbow, "We've had this conversation a thousand times already."

Jai gave her friend a nudge back, the corner of her mouth pulled up slightly, "Fine, fine, I promise no more talking about Chiri."

"You don't make promises." Miona scoffed around the rim of her glass.

Jai paused before nodding in agreement, raising her glass, "You got me there."

Jai's eyes drifted back toward the turbolift, and she mentally reprimanded herself for it - she shouldn't let Cassian trouble her. It was a stupid thing to keep focusing on; she was here with her friends, so why let one man's disinterested agreement to make an appearance linger in her thoughts?

A minute later, the turbolift doors opened, and dumbly Jai perked up a little, only to be immediately let down when she saw it wasn't Cassian. She hoped the others didn't notice her.

She sighed a little through her nose, knocking back the rest of the Merenzane in her glass in one swift swig before she started chewing on the inside of her lip, her brows pulled into a slight glare as she started down at her empty glass.

This was stupid. Why did she get herself excited for Cassian in the first place? They were friends, but they weren't that close. And yet, Jai felt a distinct fondness, a feeling of closeness despite knowing they weren't that. It was that draw she felt to him, the one stirred up when she started thinking "what if" again - it was the things in her head overriding what was going on in reality. She just needed to relax and have another drink, and the rebel captain would be forgotten for the remainder of the evening.

And yet… Jai felt some distinct pull to the man this evening, something she couldn't shake. It had to have been that look in his eyes earlier - Cassian looked exhausted despite putting up at least a decent front of impassivity, he looked downcast despite trying to make jokes to keep Jai off his scent. Maybe she should have read his body language better - he was probably so drained from whatever his latest job was, both emotionally and physically, that there was no way he could try to take part in socializing tonight.

'I don't think he's okay.' The thought suddenly struck Jai, though she tried to dismiss it as being her own anxiety just creating extra worry. Cassian was probably as fine as one could be after a rough mission, he just didn't care about this party. But then again, he seemed more off than usual earlier, like he was not entirely there despite trying to pretend he was.

Jai came back to reality again, looking around the table at her friends, wondering if they had noticed just how long she'd been silent. Miona seemed to give her a look of at least recognition that she had zoned out, but it wasn't a knowing expression as if she could figure out what was on Jai's mind. Jai sighed a little, glancing at her glass again before pushing up from the table without entirely thinking about it.

"I need another drink." The group's eyes drew toward her, and Abe lifted his own glass and shook it a little.

"Grab another for me, too?"

Jai nodded, though she wasn't entirely sure she'd be back to the table any time soon; but she didn't want them being suspicious about her disappearance, at least not from the get-go. As her friends returned to their discussion, Jai glanced back towards the turbolift as she started walking away - she knew she had herself convinced that something wasn't right, and now there was no shaking that though. Her legs carried her toward one of the tables full of drinks, but as she glanced down at it, she had no interest in refilling her glass.

Jai sighed - it looked like she was going to search for the rebel captain after all.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Cassian wasn't sure when he had zoned out or how long he had been sitting still as a statue on the edge of his bed, but a knock at his door drew him out of his daze. As he blinked rapidly a few times, the knocking sounded again - how long had someone been at his door? Cassian's eyes drifted toward it, staring weakly - he was too exhausted to deal with anyone right now, and there wasn't anything that could be that important right now.

"Cassian." A voice sounded from the other side, causing his brows to perk and his back to straighten in recognition - Jai. She came looking for him, much to his own surprise.

When he agreed to return to the hangar, he was still on the fence about whether or not he'd even show, about whether or not he wanted to tell Jai what was on his mind. When he returned to his room to clean up after his meeting with Draven, Cassian knew he didn't have the emotional energy to put up with a crowd, even if it were just for a few minutes. He figured Jai would be content with her friends and forget all about asking him to show up, but evidently his assumption was false.

Cassian pushed his elbows off of his bare knees, staring at the door again as he sighed, deciding whether or not he even wanted to get up. Jai's knocking had stopped - did she give up? Despite himself, Cassian felt a certain disappointment, imagining Jai sighing on the opposite side of his door and walking away in defeat - maybe he wanted to talk to her, maybe he wanted some company. No, he wasn't the type that ever wanted someone around, especially not when he felt like shit as he was feeling tonight. Yet, something in him wanted to let Jai in.

Cassian rose to his feet while pushing his damp hair off of his forehead, hurrying to his small closet to dig out a pair of sweatpants, which he stumbled his legs into as he made for the door. As one hand finished pulling them up, the other snatched his discarded jacket from where he'd dropped it onto the floor.

He stuck his head out the door, seeing that Jai had, in fact, begun to retreat down the hall. For a moment, he simply stared at the back of her head, wondering what exactly he wanted - should he let her go, or should he call out to her? Why did he even go to his door to begin with? And why did he feel this craving for company somewhere in his chest, a craving for Jai's company?

"Jai?" His voice was quieter than he expected, and Cassian wondered if the slicer even heard him. But she paused and turned back, a small grin on her face as her eyes fell on the man that was halfway out in the hall. Upon spotting his damn hair and semi-bare chest, Jai looked Cassian up and down while he finished jerking the jacket over his shoulders; she quirked a brow slightly before looking back at his face while approaching.

"I thought you were gonna stand me up." She teased, making a joke out of the very real disappointment that she had been feeling earlier. As she paused in front of him, though, Jai noticed the conflict in Cassian's expression that had been there all night.

"… I thought about it." He admitted while looking into his room, silently leading Jai back inside. Just like before, she looked around the space, noticing this time though that there was a trail of discarded clothes leading towards the refresher. Her eyes turned back up toward Cassian, who stood between his bed and his closet, his head turned in consideration, as if deciding whether to face her or turn away, whether to remain on his feet or sit down. Despite the man giving no real clues, Jai knew there was something off about Cassian tonight, she just couldn't put her finger on why that was.

The two were quiet for a nearly uncomfortable length of time, Cassian's back still turned to her as they both stood dumbly in the middle of the room. So, Jai thought, she had been right to come looking for him, though she felt bad for her immature worry over why he didn't show.

"So, I take it you don't want that drink tonight." Jai finally said in a somewhat serious tone, though the answer was already obvious. She moved to take a seat on the couch, eyes still watching Cassian attentively as he finally turned to face her. He didn't have to say anything, Jai saw in his expression the confirmation she needed - it wasn't a good night. He was no longer putting up the front he had on down in the hangar as the two stared at each other for another long beat, Cassian hoping that he simply looked tired rather than distraught. But the observant shine in Jai's eyes made it clear to Cassian that he had been figured out.

Jai bit the inside of her cheek, wondering what she should say next - she never was one for serious conversations, especially when she knew the topic was something unideal. She especially wasn't prepared to have one with Cassian, and she wondered why the hell the man let her into his room - he wasn't the type who'd want to share an upsetting conversation with just anyone. Should she just go and leave him be?

"What happened?" Jai heard herself ask without thinking, her brow furrowed in worry. Another long silence stretched out between them; Cassian stared into Jai's eyes for a moment, but eventually looked down at his bare feet, hands resting on his hips as he let out a small sigh.

"It's nothing." He said, his tone nearly convincing - it would have convinced someone else to drop the subject, but Jai could see that this wasn't nothing, and she was never one to immediately give up, especially not with Cassian. Jai nodded while looking away, though she didn't accept his answer. Her eyes fell on the trail of clothes again as she considered.

"Look, I'm shit at this, but… do you need to talk about it?" She turned her gaze back toward Cassian, who was motionless as his tired eyes continued to look at her with reservation. Cassian knew he needed to tell her. Sure, Jai would have heard about this eventually, he already knew the information would make its rounds tomorrow - she should just wait till then. But something about it still nagged at him, something that felt as if it were important for him to discuss it with her now before it was too late. He had to be the one to tell her. it wouldn't be right if she heard it from anyone else, but he didn't know how he'd do it.

Finally, he shook his head slowly, his jaw tight as practiced authority briefly lit his eyes, though it only lingered for a moment. Jai in return gave a disheartened nod, pushing herself back up to her feet as her eyes continued to search Cassian's doleful face, her own worry evident in her expression.

As she took one defeated step towards the door, though, Cassian found himself taking a step forward as well, causing Jai to pause and look back at him. For a moment, Cassian sucked in his lips as he studied the woman's expression. There was yet again another long silence between them as they stared into each other's eyes unblinking.

Finally, Cassian took a deep breath, his voice quiet, "It's Gar."

Immediately, Jai's eyes widened with worry, nearly gasping as she inhaled through her nose - once she started to realize how dire Cassian's mood was, she feared that this was something she wouldn't want to hear, and the dread of that suddenly weighed heavily in her stomach.

If Gar was… Jai didn't even want to think the word. If he was, then that would be the first Rebellion casualty that would leave a mark on her heart. Jai knew others had passed in her six months as a rebel technician, but none of them she knew - though Jai tried to be at the very least friendly with each person that crossed her path, she knew only a sliver of the people on Yavin 4.

She wasn't like Cassian - she didn't feel connected to every single person here, she didn't feel weighed down every time another rebel didn't return home, she didn't let those losses linger. So many had been lost and Jai simply accepted it while moving on, knowing it came with the territory and finding it hard to feel anything when she didn't even know the person.

But Gar? A man who had been a boss and a mentor to her, who had been nearly a brotherly figure as of recent? She almost didn't want to hear what Cassian would say next.

Jai didn't even feel her feet move beneath her as she closed the distance between her and Cassian, pausing only a few inches in front of him as her wide eyes stared up into his. Those dark eyes were practically begging him to not utter what she feared, begging him to say he was just pulling her leg. But Cassian's downcast expression didn't change as he stared back at her.

"We got separated," Cassian started, his voice a dismal monotone, "The Empire got to him and Halu before we could."

Jai's next breath came out shaky, her wide eyes dropping to stare at Cassian's chest, afraid to look into his eyes for fear of losing her composure. Her mouth hung open slightly as she tried to process the information, but she could feel herself trembling as the grief started to creep in. Her hands began to wring at her sides, eyes slowly beginning to water. But tears didn't fall as she tried to blink them away - no, even in her worst moments, Jai had always been good about holding them back, about reeling herself in before she became a complete mess. The last time she cried in front of anyone was the day Tillian died. And just like what happened that day, what happened to Gar was completely out of Jai's control, and that silent mantra is what kept her even slightly stable as she stood here now, even if she knew that stability was only temporary.

Jai found herself warily looking up into Cassian's face again, a part of her desperate to reach out to him, but she continued to stand there stiffly, feeling her body ache suddenly as if she'd just run a marathon, exhausted and ready to collapse.

Cassian, though still obviously feeling that deep disappointment, had had at least some time to accept what happened - the ship ride back to Yavin 4 gave him and his team some time to mourn. As a captain, he had to be the grounding strength for everyone else whenever missions went awry, and having to do that through the years helped him develop his own means of coping with distress. But staring down at Jai as she tried to process the information, dealing with the emotions of a loss one-on-one rather than with a team, threatened to turn his exhaustion back into grief.

Silently, Cassian reached out to set a light hand on Jai's wrist, his pinky barely resting in her palm, but his touch caused her to start in surprise and jerk back from him. Her eyes widened a little as she met his stare, taking in another deep, shuttered breath as she tried to calm herself, holding her arm in her other hand as if Cassian's delicate touch had burned her. Slowly, she turned away and dropped down to sit on Cassian's bed as if she couldn't hold herself up any longer, her shoulders sagging and her head hanging lowly to hide her face from Cassian.

Jai never liked to be touched when she was emotional, ever since she was a kid she shied from it - if someone ever tried to offer her comfort, it often opened up the floodgates, and the last thing she wanted was to be blubbering in anyone's arms. Before she could even think about letting someone comfort her or talk to her about what she was feeling, Jai first had to deal with the pain herself, and if that meant running from the comfort of others, then so be it. And despite that part of her that wanted to reach out, that wanted to cling to the person nearest to her, Jai couldn't bring herself to do it - being so raw and vulnerable in front of anyone else terrified her.

Cassian stared at Jai knowingly, studying her pained expression as he felt his own fatigue from the day rising up again. He hesitated to move, even if it was to walk to his couch or to the seat in his kitchen - he didn't want to startle Jai again. So, once more, he stood stock-still, watching and waiting patiently.

A few long minutes passed in thick silence before Jai suddenly stood and darted into Cassian's refresher with barely any time for him to process that she had jumped up. His concerned eyes lingered on the closed door briefly before he finally started moving again, his knees feeling stiff as he walked to his kitchenette for a glass of water. He sighed as he chugged it down, having not realized how dry his mouth was beginning to feel.

He couldn't have anticipated that he'd feel so awful having to tell Jai what happened - Cassian had dealt with loss through the years, and had dealt with telling others about loss more times than he could count. Though it never necessarily got any easier, Cassian had grown accustomed to being the bearer of bad news, to seeing his fellow rebels mourn. And yet, something about this last time hurt more than it should have, something in Jai's eyes stung unexpectedly when she pulled away from him.

Jai had done something to him, though Cassian couldn't quite say what that was. Some time between their last night alone together and this one, Cassian started to feel something unfamiliar for the woman, and that something made it so much harder to see her broken and despairing, retreating from his touch and hiding on the opposite side of the door from him. Cassian was surprised to find that he wished he could be right there by Jai's side and consoling her as she mourned.

Despite himself, Cassian hated that he had to tell Jai, though he also couldn't have allowed anyone else to tell her. It had to be him, that much he knew, but that only made it somehow hurt more when he watched her face crumble.

Cassian refilled his glass and shuffled back towards his bed, taking a long sip of water once he sat down. His eyes drifted back towards the refresher door as he set the cup aside, feeling a pull to rise back to his feet and check on Jai. But he knew better than to try - he had to leave her be. For all he cared, Jai could keep herself locked up in his refresher all damn night, and he still wouldn't disturb her.

Once Cassian had finished his second glass of water, he looked down at the jacket he had quickly thrown on when Jai knocked at his door, slowly pulling it off of himself and dropping it in the pile of dirty clothes he stripped off earlier, wanting to simply lie back, let out a deep sigh, and close his eyes for a while. But as his gaze lingered on the pile that sat just before the refresher door, he tiredly pushed himself to his feet, knowing he shouldn't leave it there for Jai to accidentally trip over on her way out. He quickly hid all his dirty clothes away and retrieved a fresh tank top, hearing the door open behind him just as he had pulled it over his head.

Cassian turned to look at Jai as he pulled the shirt down his torso, noticing immediately that she wasn't looking at his face but rather at his chest, even if for a split second. Though there were bags under her tired eyes, Jai looked a little more refreshed - he could tell she had been crying and that she tried to clean herself up to hide the evidence of it. Her face and hairline were damp from splashing water onto her skin, and her eyes even had a different quality to them now. Through their tiredness, her eyes looked a little brighter and clearer - maybe she was trying to shove away any pain she was feeling. But her energy, too, had shifted, and Cassian felt a little less rigid than before - he was reminded that this wasn't the first loss Jai had dealt with, and it looked as if she had found a way of coping with the pain life threw at her.

The two stared at one another once more, studying the other's expression thoughtfully. Jai gave Cassian a weak, cagey smile, one that made the sadness in her eyes a touch more obvious - he suspected the look was to reassure herself rather than him. She let out a slight sigh and finally stepped back into the room, slowly approaching Cassian, once more coming to a pause only about a foot in front of him. She looked down while licking her dry lips, her eyes darting back and forth as if she were searching for the words that clearly wanted to leave her mouth.

Her eyes finally met his again through her lashes, "… Thanks for telling me." Her voice was quiet, and Cassian's brows rose a little at the words, "I wouldn't want to hear it from anyone else."

Cassian felt an unexpected stutter in his chest before he spoke slowly, his tone as quiet as hers, "I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to tell you."

Jai gave a slight nod in understanding as she looked down again, her eyes falling onto one of Cassian's hands as his thumb slid across the pads of his fingers edgily. She reached out and grabbed his hand firmly, drawing Cassian's surprised eyes down to their point of contact as well. Neither of them moved for a few long moments until finally Cassian gave Jai's fingers a reassuring squeeze. A faint sad smile ghosted across her lips again as she looked back up at his face, studying his features fondly, and despite how emotional they both were, Cassian nonetheless felt a warmth stir in his chest thanks to the look Jai was giving him.

"Draven wants me to tell your department tomorrow." Cassian started as his eyes returned to linger on their joined hands, "Chase is going to take over as supervisor."

Jai nodded, pushing down the lump that dared to rise in her throat again, "Chase'll be great, Gar trained her well."

Cassian turned his warm eyes back up to Jai's face, surveying her expression carefully as he thought, "Do you want to take tomorrow off?"

"No," she gave him a quick, reassuring smile and a shake of her head, and Cassian wasn't sure if he was imagining it or if Jai did move a touch closer, "I'll be better if I keep busy. I don't need you treating me any different than the rest of the hangar techs."

Her words weren't accusatory but thankful and appreciative that Cassian even asked her the question - if Jai needed evidence that Cassian had any interest in her, that was it. Cassian showing that kind of care to her eliminated any doubt Jai had regarding their friendship.

Jai squeezed Cassian's hand before slowly pulling away, her fingers gliding across his almost as if she didn't want to let go. Cassian's fingers clenched slightly, finding that he suddenly missed her touch. Jai took a single step back, sighing as she looked around the room while in thought.

"I should go." Her tone nearly contradicted her words, as if she disdained to even say them. But she was drained from the news about Gar, and she was certain that Cassian was as well - they both could use some good rest. She took another couple of steps before turning on her heel, and once more Cassian found himself taking a step forward.

"You could stay." Jai's eyes turned back to meet his, a questioning look in them. Cassian's expression was softer than she'd ever seen it, "Maybe we could both use the company."

A contented smile spread across Jai's lips, a warmth rising in her chest that helped to ease some of the pain that had been weighing on her just minutes prior.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Cassian awoke to the sound of blankets ruffling and Jai breathing unevenly. He wasn’t sure what time it was or what time the two had finally fallen asleep, but without checking the clock he was almost certain it was very early morning. Cassian had been a light sleeper almost his entire life, so although Jai’s movements probably would not have disturbed most people, she was just loud enough for his ears to prick up and notice.

Though the room was nearly pitch black, when he turned his head Cassian could tell Jai was still on the couch where he had left her, having not heard her rise from it. He insisted, once he started to see how tired Jai was, that she take his bed, but she just as adamantly argued that his cramped little couch would be fine, seeing as she was shorter so it would be less uncomfortable for her. Though Cassian tried to argue, he knew Jai wouldn’t budge, so at the very least he gave her his good blanket, hoping it would be some comfort to her.

For a minute, he simply lied still listening -- after Jai’s initial movement, which must have been her sitting up and rearranging, she hardly made a sound. If it weren’t for her uneven breathing, Cassian would have suspected that she had fallen back asleep; but those uneven breaths were shaky, as if the loss of Gar was coming right back up and threatening to wear so deeply at her mind that she couldn’t sleep again.

Cassian debated whether or not to say something, whether or not he should sit up and ask if she wanted to talk, wanted some kind of comfort. Maybe she had a nightmare that roused her, and maybe she’d simply want to be left alone; but maybe this time she’d want to talk to him.

As he heard Jai shift around again, as if fighting to find a comfortable position but to no avail, Cassian finally spoke up, his voice thick with sleep, “Jai.”

He heard the slightest of surprised noises escape her, and if he were looking Cassian was sure the startled look on Jai’s face might be mildly comical.

“I’m sorry,” Jai whispered, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Cassian propped himself onto his elbows to look in her direction, though because of the darkness he still could only just make out Jai’s silhouette, “I’m a light sleeper. You alright?”

“Fine…” Her tone wasn’t entirely convincing, but at least she didn’t sound as sad as Cassian feared she would -- she just sounded tired, “Just woke up suddenly. Must’ve been something in my dream, I guess.”

Cassian could see the way Jai slumped down a little, again making a feeble attempt at getting comfortable, “Or maybe your body’s protesting against the couch.”

Jai let out a huffed laugh, rolling her eyes, “My back does suddenly feel like it’s aged a couple of decades.”

Cassian sat upright, and he could feel Jai’s eyes trying to make out his silhouette in the darkness as well. As he grinned at Jai’s response, he stared in her general direction for a couple of moments, “Let’s trade.”

“You think your back will manage any better on this thing?” Her voice sounded humored by the suggestion, “Stay put, Andor.”

Cassian nearly laughed as he started to push himself out of the bed, retrieving his glass from the bedside table while shuffling towards the kitchen, which supplied the one small bit of light into the room from an emergency light that sat on the wall above the bar between the kitchen and the rest of the living space.

“I don’t think I’ll be falling asleep again too soon.” He said while refilling his cup. Turning back to the room, he could make Jai out a little better now that he was closer, and he held the glass in her direction, “Thirsty?”

Without answering, Jai lifted herself off the couch and padded over towards Cassian, circling the bar to retrieve the glass from his outstretched hand while leaning her hip against the counter. Cassian mirrored her position, though he rested some of his weight on his palm atop the bar as well as he stared into her face. Cassian could now make out her features just a little thanks to the faint light and their proximity to one another -- the outlines of her nose and lips, the slight glint of the light reflecting in her eyes. He looked down at her throat as he heard her swallow back nearly the entire glass of water.

Jai felt Cassian watching her far too closely, and yet she didn’t feel as uncomfortable under his gaze as she normally would have. As she set the cup carefully on the counter, she, too, stared up at him, trying to make out as much of his face as possible in the minimal lighting. Silence lingered between them as they stood there, neither having anything to say.

Though he could see her arm move from where it was crossed with the other, Cassian still jumped just slightly when he felt Jai’s hand slide over his, her thumb faintly rubbing circles on the outside of his wrist. He glanced down at their connected hands before finding the glint of her eyes again.

“Thank you, again, Cass.” Just like the first time, the gentle delivery of the unexpected nickname caused a shiver to work it’s way up Cassian’s spine. He hoped Jai didn’t notice.

“There’s nothing to thank me for.” He answered in a similarly quiet tone, tilting his head down slightly; he couldn’t help but feel guilty about what happened to Gar. The expert technician rarely went into the field anymore, but Cassian allowed him to go on this mission because the man showed interest. If Cassian had just told him no, Gar would still be here. Jai had no reason to thank him a second time, let alone the first time from earlier in the evening.

 All of Cassian’s attention briefly focused on where Jai’s thumb still brushed delicately against his skin -- how was it possible that the touch simultaneously calmed him and made his heart beat just a little louder in his ears?

Jai shrugged, attempting to speak jocularly, “You didn’t give me shit about crying in your ‘fresher and you let me stay here -- that’s worth some thanks.”

Cassian couldn’t help the small step forward he took, moving in even closer to Jai than he already was -- something about the dismissiveness of her earlier upset bothered him, “Your feelings are not a joke, Jai.”

 The seriousness of his tone took Jai by surprise, causing her to look up at him curiously, though Cassian couldn’t quite make out the expression in the darkness. He could tell her eyes were burning into him, and he stared right back with just as much weight. He found his mind focusing back on her hand atop his -- Jai’s thumb had already stopped moving, but it felt as if her grip tightened just slightly. In that same moment, Cassian became acutely aware of how close he had moved to her, how he felt an almost static energy bouncing between them. Without her saying so, Cassian knew Jai felt it as well. 

Jai lightly exhaled through her nose, her next words taking Cassian by surprise, “If someone asked me six months ago if I’d ever care about you, Cassian, I would have laughed in their face.”

Jai could see the faint light bounce off of Cassian’s teeth as he smiled unexpectedly at the remark, causing a grin to pull across her own lips. Cassian considered her for just a moment with fondness, “If someone had asked me, I would have done the same thing.”

The admissions caused them both to laugh smally, but it also felt like another spark of static surged between them. They stared at each other for another brief beat before Jai dropped her gaze to the darkness between them, feeling her heart beating far too heavily against her chest. Little did she know that Cassian’s heart was pounding just as quickly.

Did he understand the full weight of the meaning in her confession? Did she? Jai was surprised by her own admission, by the way her heart drummed in her ears, by this sudden need to lean into the man before her. The pull she felt towards Cassian seemed so much more palpable then it had been before, as if she could no longer keep it at bay; Jai knew she was doomed to succumb to that unfamiliar fluttery sensation in her stomach.

She called on her courage that felt as if it were trying to evade her, her voice coming out quieter and even hesitant as she looked up through her lashes, though thanks to the dark Cassian didn’t notice, “… I probably care about you more than I should.”

A weight felt as if it dropped in Cassian’s stomach, the confession seeming to echo between his ears as his heart drummed off-rhythm against his rib cage. His eyes widened in surprise and he stared intensely and unblinkingly at Jai, feeling his free hand twitch with some unfamiliar need to reach towards her, as if he still had to search for something to clarify what her words meant.

He realized then exactly what it was that had been building up inside of him, what these nerves were that only seemed to pop up when Jai was around. Cassian had had an understanding of what he was beginning to feel towards Jai, but in the past he was able to suppress it and shove it aside, to pretend it was unimportant, that it would pass. With the woman in question standing here mere inches before him, owning up to her own feelings, his weren’t quite as easy to ignore.

Cassian dipped his head, hoping it would draw Jai to look back up towards him as he leaned a little closer in search of her gaze. He understood exactly what Jai had meant, and yet he wanted to ask her, to hear the explanation exactly as she meant it to be understood. He wanted to hear it straight from her lips.

Jai continued to stare up at Cassian through her lashes, her stomach knotting when he moved in closer to her. If either of them moved any further, she would be leaning into him, her forehead pressed to his cheek, losing all traces of distance between their bodies. Despite trying to keep herself together, Jai’s breath came out in a waver that she tried to control, and she knew there was no way Cassian could have missed it.

In a brief moment of confidence, Jai slid her hand from it’s spot atop Cassian’s, fingertips slowly gliding over his forearm and securing a grip on his bicep. In the same second that she gave his upper arm a slight squeeze, as if to assure herself that he was really right there in front of her and that this conversation was really happening, Cassian’s hand steadily reached up and found a secure hold at the nape of her neck, his fingers twisting delicately in her dark locks and pulling her head back. For a beat, they breathed in unison, a shared look of yearning in their eyes as Cassian briefly pressed his forehead to Jai’s, giving them both one last moment to consider what was about to happen.

And then their lips met frantically, noses bumping and teeth nearly clashing together, neither certain who moved first as their need for one another took charge. Cassian’s lips were rough against her own, but the sharp taste of him drew a sigh from Jai’s throat, her free hand moving to grip the front of his t-shirt, pulling herself even closer as if he was her oxygen supply. Cassian’s tongue licked across her lower lip in a frenzied response, the heat of her body seeming to engulf him as she drew him nearer, her other hand jumping up to securely rest against his cheek.

Cassian’s arm wrapped around Jai’s narrow waist desperately, his palm pressing her flush against him while the fingers in her hair tightening their grip, twisting a little. An eager sound rumbled in his chest as he slipped his tongue between her lips, tangling with her own heatedly, feeling Jai grab at him with urgency, the scratch of her nails along his torso stirring a second moan from his throat.

As their kiss grew deeper, each feeling drunk off of the other, Cassian pressed forward until he had Jai’s back pinned against the bar, his hands snaking down her body with groping fingers that needed to feel every inch of her, his lips not straying from hers for even a second. When he found a secure grip on her ass, Cassian swiftly lifted Jai up onto the counter, causing a slight moan to escape her as he pressed himself against the warmth between her legs.

Jai’s fingers threaded messily into Cassian’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp as he finally pulled his mouth from hers, Jai gasping for air as he hardly paused for breath before starting to leave open-mouthed kisses along her jaw and down her neck, his teeth scraping hungrily against warm skin. He bit down lightly on the side of Jai’s neck, causing her to gasp and arch her back, the press of her breasts against his chest encouraging Cassian to nibble at her skin again before sucking it between his lips to leave a faint bruise. Jai let out another clipped moan as Cassian’s wandering hands squeezed her ass and pressed her forward against him as he gave a firm roll of his hips. His own shuddered groan muffled against Jai’s collarbone, his breath fiery hot on her skin.

Cassian worked his way back up to Jai’s mouth, nipping at her skin before finally crashing onto Jai’s waiting lips again. One of his hands trailed up her side, giving extra care to press firmly against her breast before continuing up to settle against her cheek, desperate to somehow pull her closer than she already was. Cassian pressed forward hungrily as Jai slipped her slick tongue back into his mouth with a smile pulling at her lips, leaning back under him until she finally let her weight fall onto her elbow. Cassian braced himself on his forearm as he continued to urge Jai down onto her back, the two moaning in unison as he gave another slow roll of his hips against her. As Jai lay flat on the counter, Cassian’s hand pulled away from her cheek, the delicate trailing of his fingers causing a shiver to travel up Jai’s spine as his hand found its way to her own. Jai desperately deepened the kiss as they laced their fingers together, slowly moving their joined hands above Jai’s head.

Their hands bumped into something that they didn’t spare a second thought for until it suddenly crashed down onto the floor, causing Jai to jolt up with a gasp, bumping into Cassian’s forehead before he could pull back from her.

“Shit.” He hissed in surprise, the hand that had been laced with Jai’s now pressed to his forehead. He continued to linger over Jai, the both of them trying to collect themselves and catch their breath, the air red hot between them. They met eyes, their breath mingling, and gently Cassian lowered his forehead to rest against Jai’s delicately, his hand finding a new resting place at the base of her neck.

Despite herself, a pure laugh sprang out of Jai, her amused smile wide as she closed her eyes, nearly embarrassed, “We broke your glass.”

A beaming smile crossed Cassian’s lips as well as he laughed, his nose brushing against Jai’s as he answered breathily, his accent thicker, “Doesn’t matter.”

He leaned forward to brush his lips against Jai’s briefly, pulling back far enough to look into her eyes again, his chest still heaving against hers. Slowly, he pushed himself up, his hands finding a resting place atop Jai’s thighs, his thumbs rubbing slow circles into the fabric of the sweatpants he let her borrow. For a moment longer, Jai stayed on her back, her hands sliding their way up Cassian’s forearms, fingertips pressing firmly into his skin as an eased smile tugged at her lips.

“Come here.” Cassian’s gentle yet commanding tone caused Jai’s middle to tighten with need, just the timbre of his voice alone causing her to let out a yearning sigh. Her hands secured around Cassian’s biceps again and used him as leverage to pull herself up, bringing her nose within centimeters of his as she sat up.

Cassian sighed contentedly, his breath brushing against Jai’s skin as he thought for a few long moments; he couldn’t find the words for any of his thoughts, so instead he pressed his lips tenderly to hers, one of his hands rising to cup her cheek affectionately. Once more, they pressed their foreheads together, mindlessly grazing their fingers along one another’s skin as they tried to collect themselves.

The longer Jai sat here and considered her current position, the more unexpected yet warming it became -- here she was, wrapped around Cassian Andor and feeling so completely at peace enveloped in his touch. She had considered in the past what this would be like, to be close to him and out of breath, to feel his lips against hers, to feel a heat twisting in her abdomen, but those daydreams were nothing like the reality. She had thought they would always remain daydreams, thoughts that passed her by not to be taken too seriously. Getting close to Cassian like this didn’t seem possible, and yet somehow here she was, high on his touch, drunk on his passionate eyes. Cassian, the man who didn’t like to get too close to anyone, whose best friend was a droid, who six months ago had vowed to distrust her… and he was standing here between her legs, his hold on her possessive and in want of more.

She wouldn’t say lucky was the right word, but Jai certainly felt satisfied as she and Cassian remained wrapped around one another.

Cassian finally took a step back from her, his fingers gliding along the top of Jai’s thighs and making her shiver. Her eyes had to readjust to the lack of lighting in the room, but she was sure she could see Cassian grinning fondly at her response to his touch.

His hands found hers as he took another step back, whispering, “Come on,” as he helped Jai hop down from the counter, the broken glass that had fallen to the floor somewhere completely forgotten -- he didn’t care enough to deal with it right now, he’d come back to it in the morning.

Cassian’s fingers lazily tangled with one of Jai’s hands, his eyes straining to find the glass shards on the floor so that neither of them stepped on something sharp. He carefully led Jai out of the kitchen, pausing in his cramped living space with the bed just a step behind him to look back at Jai with a tired smirk. Despite how close they were earlier, she felt her cheeks heat up, feeling the power of his gaze though she could no longer see it in the near-darkness. Cassian lightly tugged on Jai’s hand until she stepped closer, and she could feel Cassian’s free hand just hovering over her face until finally he set it on the base of her neck.

Cassian’s past fears and concerns about Jai crossed his mind as he held her in a comfortable and intimate silence -- he recalled their evening of drinking, when she first managed to send some kind of electric spark through him, when she first made him question the feelings going on inside of him. He had been so afraid to consider them and acknowledge them, because he knew what they meant -- he wanted to get close to someone, get close to her, despite all of his precautions through the years to avoid ever wanting that.

He realized that night two months ago that Jai would be trouble for him, but a completely different kind of trouble than what he had originally projected when they met. She was persistent with him, familiar with him, always making efforts with him -- no one had ever shown that exact combination of traits to him before. Jai had been throwing him for a loop for months now, and somehow she managed to wiggle her way into his heart, somehow slipping past all the emotional safeguards he built up through the years.

Cassian used to be afraid of this feeling. In many ways he still was. And yet, once his lips were on Jai’s, that fear dissolved away, at least temporarily. He wanted -- needed -- to be close to her, yet something in him continued to fear what would happen if he got too close. It was a habit that held him back, the habit of keeping people at arm’s length. But Jai… as much as it scared him, Jai made him want to break the habit and start a new one.

If anyone asked Cassian prior to this evening if he found himself attracted to Jai Tillian, he would have fervently denied it to the point of suspicion.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

                                                  Care [kair]

                                                      noun

a cause or object of concern; serious attention

provision of what is needed for the well-being or protection of a person

                                                      verb

to be concerned; have thought or regard; to have a special preference

to wish; desire; like

[hangrypa]

s/p first year as a PA

I was hired as a hospitalist primarily for the transplant service. However, in the setting of the pandemic and staffing shortages, I am all over the place now and work in almost everything non-pediatric and non-surgical. 

In my first few months as a PA, I was incredibly overwhelmed. I went from being a learner who switches specialties every month to a fully-fledged provider making life-or-death decisions on an hourly basis. Oftentimes I’d find myself in the room of a patient actively crumping, surrounded by the patient’s family and multiple nurses awaiting instructions on what to do to save the patient. I thought that I faced a lot of pressure in school, but it was nothing compared to this. 

And just when I started to get a hang of it all, the pandemic hit. What a nightmare. As mentioned above, I was hired to work with with transplant patients. Prior to the pandemic, my transplant colleagues and I were masking and gowning for almost every patient: 1 surgical mask and 1 gown per patient and per patient encounter. But once COVID hit, we were rationing PPE. 1 N95, 1 pair of goggles, and 1 face shield for the pandemic. 1 surgical mask per week, and 1 gown only if a patient had Cdiff or a history of MDRO bacteremia.

What did the pandemic mean for our transplant patients? 

Our patients are on immunosuppressant medications to prevent transplant rejection. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to fight infections. 

Our department did what it could to prevent COVID. We'd test patients on admission for COVID, regardless of symptoms or exposure history. If they were positive, they went to the COVID team and quarantined on their unit for a period of time and had to test negative before returning to our unit and being transplanted. We took many other measures to reduce COVID risk to the best of our ability. 

People still died. To see someone get transplanted successfully and then die of a virus is horrifying. Unfortunately, despite our admission tests, sometimes patients contracted COVID within the hospital. Patients would be happily FaceTiming their family one moment, telling them all of their plans for once they were discharged- then the next day they'd be intubated. We tried Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, prone positioning, etc. But the virus moved through them quickly, and these efforts often were too late. No amount of hoping and praying brought them back. 

As a first year PA, I learned to go to an empty conference room, close the door, and remove my mask before calling to the family of the deceased. This way, as they gathered around the phone in their homes, the family could hear me unmuffled as I delivered the news. Also, this way my tears didn't ruin my mask for the rest of the week. 

I learned a lot this year. It's been a mixture of crying and laughing. There are times that I question why I ever became a PA, and then there are times when this career feels like home. In addition to transplant, I’ve also been working in the  ED, IMC, ICU, inpatient hospice, clinic, and infusion center these past 6 months. I’ve learned quite a lot along the way.

Lessons learned as a first year PA:

1. Check your pager hourly: This is in addition to checking it whenever you get paged. Sometimes I’ll get paged while I’m rounding, read it, and then forget about it. Now I go through my pager at every hour to ensure that I already responded to all my pages and then answer ones that I missed/forgot.  On a semi-related note, a while back I wrote about good paging etiquette.

2. Let people know when you're out: I work a rotating schedule. As a result, it’s hard to predict when I’m in or out of the hospital. Sometimes I’ll come back on service and find urgent emails or texts that are a few days old. Now I leave an away message with my return date and my supervisor’s contact information on both email and hospital text. If someone really needs to get a hold of me, my supervisor has my personal cell phone number.

3. Be conscientious of what time you consult: I generally try to get all of my nonurgent consults done before 3pm. Many services have only 1 resident covering after 3pm, so I try not to page/call unless I have an emergency. 

4. Call the nurse if something needs to be done urgently: Being a nurse means being the ultimate multitasker. Room 5 is due for his IV Amphotericin, Room 2's Foley is supposed to come out prior to void trial with Urology, Room 1's infusion completed and is beeping, and Room 4 is a bit altered and yanked out her PICC. Now I’m placing an order for Room 3 to get IV Lasix due to concern for pulmonary edema. However, the nurse may be preoccupied with Room 4 and not see the order in the computer for some time. If I really need to the patient to get the Lasix right way, I’ll place the order through EMR and then call the nurse and see what their situation is. If they’re crazy busy with Room 4 and likely to be unable to get to the Lasix within the next 15min, I ask whether they’re okay with me asking another nurse to give the Lasix now. Usually the answer is yes.

5. Value your nurses: Nurses know the patient best. They’re the ones answering call bells, giving meds, doing dressing changes, etc. Unfortunately they oftentimes bear the brunt of everyone’s frustrations, from patients to patients’ families to attendings to managers. Not to mention, they’re the ones doing the dirty work. Bedside nurses are the heartbeat of healthcare, but they also are high risk for burnout. Always support your nurses, whether that’s volunteering to answer a patient’s family member’s 17th phone call of the day or responding to a patient’s call bell yourself. 

6. Know how to get a hold of someone quickly: It’s less than ideal to page someone repeatedly. At my hospital, if I need to talk to an attending urgently, I call the operator and ask them to connect me directly to the attending’s cell phone. If a patient is crashing and we’re not in the ICU, I dial the emergency number and call a rapid response, which sends people running into my patient’s room. 

7. Plan your discharge meds from Day 1: The goal of every admission is to treat the patient and then discharge them safely. Send medications early for prior auth and call the pharmacy to make sure that they have medications in stock. (One time a patient’s insurance didn’t cover Levofloxacin, of all things.) 

8. Keep social work and care coordination aware of all needs from the start: Does your patient looks unsteady? Place a PT/OT consult and let social work and care coordination know that the patient might require home therapy services and/or DME so that they can start looking at services and companies that may be covered by insurance. Does your patient have a central line? They’ll likely need a home health service to teach them how to care for it daily at home. Do they seem to require frequent transfusions? They’ll probably need labs on discharge. Is the patient’s living situation safe (no heat/AC, possible abuse at home, financial difficulties, etc)? They may need alternative housing.

9. The attending is not always right: Generally speaking, the attending has the last say on how the team manages a patient. However, I’ve come across situations in which an attending’s decision put a patient in more danger. Sometimes asking them about their decision can help steer the care plan toward better patient care. Other times you just have to stand your ground and be okay with being on the receiving end of an attending’s misdirected rant. Report these instances to your manager and to other higher-ups.

10. Always have gloves in your pocket: You never know when you’ll find a mess. Or which part of the body someone asks you to examine. Or how hygienic a person is (or is not).

11. Verify weird vitals: I was very new when I walked into work, opened a patient’s chart, and promptly bolted down the hallway when I saw a patient’s O2 sats recorded as 15-20s. I found the patient sitting up in bed, eating breakfast, and bewildered by me bursting into the room. Turns out that overnight someone mistakenly recorded his respirations as the O2 sats.

12. Remove whatever tubes you can: Anything entering the body is an infection risk. Does your patient still need that Foley placed by the surgery team? No? Yank it (don’t actually yank because ouch). Is your patient A&O and able to eat without aspirating? Remove the NG tube. Does your patient have good veins and require infrequent transfusions/labwork? Pull their central line.

13. Take a buddy with you to emergencies: Two heads are better than one. Even if you’re a seasoned provider and well-equipped to manage an emergency, you might need another body to help with performing CPR, making urgent calls, grabbing supplies, etc. 

14. Ask your patients about premeds for procedures: We all have different levels of pain tolerance. A procedure goes far more smoothly if your patient is comfortable. Note: if you’re going to premed with Ativan or an opiate in the outpatient setting, make sure they have a driver.

15. Be good to your charge nurse and unit secretary: I don’t know how they do it. If I had to manage the unit’s signout, patient complaints, calls from other floor, being yelled at by providers, verifying paper orders, and finding beds for incoming patients- all at the same time - I’d lose my mind. 

16. If your patient is mad, just shut up and listen: There are many things that you can’t control: the time it takes for a patient to get a room, the temperature of hospital food, the dismissive attitude of your attending, etc. And oftentimes the patient knows this. My reflex is to want to apologize for things and overexplain why different things are happening. But sometimes the patient just needs to rant. Take a step back and just listen. That can make all the difference.

17. Fact check your notes: The framework for your progress note often is the note from the day prior. It sounds obvious, but make sure that you go through the note and make updates and changes accordingly. If today is 01/15, there’s a good chance that the Fungitell from 12/31 is not still pending. 

18. Try to learn some nursing skills: This is one of the areas in which I most envy my NP colleagues. If a patient’s IV pump is beeping or their central line need to be flushed, I oftentimes awkwardly step out of the room and look vacantly into the distance for a nurse. I’ve finally figured out how to spike a bag (albeit I do so very slowly, and it certainly makes the RNs giggle some). I talked to our unit’s nurse manager, and she’s willing for me to learn some nursing skills from the staff during a slow day- we’ll see when thing slow down!

19. Be kind: Generally speaking, being in a hospital is stressful. Patients are feeling out of sorts, and staff are working with constant dinging in the background. I rant plenty on this website, but I’m kind to everyone at work (with few exceptions) because it makes things more comfortable for everyone. Additionally, if you are always kind to your patients and colleagues, your reputation will speak for itself. One time I was walking down a hall with poor reception while on my ASCOM with a notoriously standoffish nurse from another unit. My phone cut out. She called my unit’s nurse manager to complain, and the nurse manager told her that I would never hang up on purpose. My interactions with the nurse going forward were always more pleasant in nature.

20. Support your team: The best colleagues are not the smartest colleagues; the best coworkers are the ones who have your back. Whether it’s a medical emergency or just a strange situation, it’s important to be supported and to give support.

I know that I’ve learned a lot more than this, so I’ll likely be adding to this throughout the year. Happy Snow Day, all!

[kunderdogs]

Take A Chance IV

Simon Dominic (AOMG) x Y/N (Reader) Genre: Romance / Angst Count: 2.4k+ Warnings: None Rating: Mature (suggestive, swearing) Summary: Who would’ve thought a one night stand with Simon D would turn into FWB? It only gets more complicated when you developed feelings, against your better judgement.

Chapter One. | Chapter Two. | Chapter Three. | Chapter Four. | Chapter Five. | Chapter Six. | Chapter Seven. |

Over the course of two weeks, you and Kiseok had a pretty good routine going on. He didn't come over every night, more like every other but he called and texted you nearly every chance he got.

At first you didn't think anything of it. He would ask you how your day was, if you ate and how you were feeling. Nothing crazy or out of pocket. It was innocent most of the time, and usually followed up by making plans to see you later on.

There was nothing you could do to stop your heart from bursting out of your chest each time you heard a small chime. Nicole had glared at you once when you two were on lunch and you scrambled over the table to reach your phone.

"Is that Lover Boy?" She teased. You were thankful that, out of all the nicknames she could've used - and she had a lot of them -, lover boy was the one she had stuck with. For now.

"What?" You feigned ignorance, "I have no idea what you're talking about. That's...Amazon. My package was delivered."

She smirked, sipping her iced tea, "I'm sure it was."

After a few days, Kiseok's texts became a little more...risky. You had no problem with sexting. When in the right setting, it was hot but he would send you wild shit while you're in the middle of a meeting, or when you're trying to finish up the last of your work before heading to see him. Usually you could play it off then retreat to the bathroom to respond but when he sent a voice recording of that damned deep voice of his, you stood from your desk and went to the stairs corridor to call and cuss him out for getting you bothered at eleven in the morning. You promised punishment as soon as you were off and Kiseok was, to say the least, intrigued. That night he was stunned at how different you could be if he gave you the reigns. Days after that, he still catches himself staring after you with amazement.

From that point on, he pretty much figured out that he could make you do nearly anything with a certain voice. It was a dangerous game that you two played. It only escalated when he coaxed you to touch yourself in the private bathroom at your company with him on FaceTime. You were lucky that you had finished in record-breaking time, before any of your coworkers (or God forbid, your boss) found out what exactly you were doing.

By the time the third week rolled around, Nicole had stopped hounding you for details of your hookups. Instead, she cautioned every now again. Typically, it was the same thing.

"Don't get too attached."

"He's a celebrity. You know how society is to foreigners dating celebs."

"What if he's a player? I just don't want you to get hurt."

While you appreciated her concern, you knew it was already too late not to get attached to him. Other than text you constantly, Kiseok did little things that had your head and heart confused.

On his bad days, he would complain to you about what happened and asked for your advice, if you had any to give, on the topic. He joked and teased you just like a friend would and willingly showed you pieces of his personal and work life as well. It was subtle at first - videos of him in the studio and then pictures of his friends when he was telling you a story about them. Each time, he would bring you food or have something delivered so you both got to learn each other's eating and drinking habits. You had seen him tipsy but he made it a point not to over do it in front of you.

Kiseok was also very considerate of you and your time, which you appreciated more than anything else. He didn't hound you if you didn't text back immediately and understood if you were swamped at the office or had to cancel that one time because the work would not be done until late in the night. He just told you to take care of yourself and later, had a pizza ordered to your job. It was around that time that you noticed you were falling a little too fast. You hadn’t admitted it out-loud, instead you chose to ignore those feelings completely. Hopefully, they would magically disappear into thin air.

You both didn't get into intimate details of your life. It was only by a weird stroke of luck that he hadn't found out about Cookie. She usually called right after you got off work anyway. Kiseok was busy during the day so when you went out to meet with your daughter and her father on your off days, he was in the middle of his own jam-packed schedule. Really, he was only available during the night time so you were more of a booty call than a FWB at this point. Neither of you had defined the "relationship" so far though, so it was hard to put a name to it right now.

It was Saturday when you woke up early and got dressed in casual clothes to go with Cookie to the zoo. Her, her father and his girlfriend were flying back to the US tonight so they wanted to do one last thing to fill the hours before the boring plane ride. You had cried last night as you thought of being without your mini-me for two whole months but his family hadn't seen her since she was much younger. You knew she would have fun, especially since his parents were dying to take her to Disneyland. You wished you could take an extended vacation and go with them but you had used most of your vacation days to take Cookie to Disney World for her birthday and that was only a couple of months ago.

Either way, you were sadder these past two days and thankfully Kiseok was swamped with an upcoming project so he hadn't been over in about four days. You didn't have to explain your blood-shot eyes.

You had so much fun at the zoo with your daughter that you didn't bother touching your phone. Your ex had taken most of the pictures for you all with promises to send them to you. It was around two in the afternoon when you four decided to go to a nearby burger joint and get some lunch. Cookie was shoving her face with chicken tenders so you decided to check your phone to pass the time. There were a few new gray message bubbles.

'Hey sexy thang ;)' 10:09AM

'This song better go double platinum with all the work I'm puttin in this bitch' 11:32AM

'Don't tell me you're asleep still?' 11:38AM

'I'm going to find a way to get your sexy ass as a video vixen one of these days' 11:47AM

'Argggh PD is calling me back. Text me when you wake up' 11:51AM

'We should be done by 2. Loco is taking me to some new place for food then I'm free. Can I swing by your place?' 11:52AM

Of course they were all from Kiseok. Not even your mother texted you as much as he did and although you liked the attention, right now you wanted to focus on Cookie since you won't physically see her for weeks after this. You frowned to yourself, feeling tears well up in your eyes for the millionth time today. You were going to miss her so much.

Composing yourself, you quickly typed a reply back. 'Hey. I'm up, just a little busy today. I won't be able to see you tonight. Maybe tomorrow if you're free?' 2:16PM

With that, you locked your phone and slid it in your pocket, once again forgetting about it soon after.

Your ex's girlfriend, Mia, nudged you slightly when she saw how pensive you were. "Hey, you okay? Was that work?"

Shaking your head, you took a breath, "No, I'm just gonna miss having my best friend around."

Cookie popped up, french fries sticking out of her mouth, "I'm gonna miss you too, mommy!" Her curly hair was pulled into two pony-tails, coils springing happily as she devoured the food in record-breaking time. "Don't cry! I'll make daddy buy you a Tiana dress so we can match!"

You laughed at the sight, tears pooling in your eyes again as her father pouted. "Ok, sweetie, I'd love to match with you."

About thirty minutes later, you all were getting ready to leave when Mia said she'd swing by and grab the rental car from the parking lot. They had to go to back to their hotel to pack. You all said your goodbyes, tears flowing freely between you and Mia. Cookie looked concerned for you as she wiped your tears, kissing your cheeks to reassure you.

Your ex hugged you and thanked you again, his eyes sparkling with happiness to have his precious daughter with him. You wished you could go with them once again as you watched their car drive off.

Back at home, you were greeted with a depressingly quiet apartment. It was cold and dark, something that was going to be a common occurrence for the coming weeks. Sniffling, you made your way to Cookie’s room, scanning her pink room with a blurring gaze. You were slowly walking around the room when you felt your phone ring.

It was Mia.

"Hello?" You called, wondering what could've happened in the last hour since you parted ways.

"Hey, Y/N, Cookie is freaking out because her father forgot to ask you to bring her Peach doll," Mia nearly shouted over the distraught crying in the background. You could hear your ex trying to console Cookie, to no avail. "Can you meet us at the airport with it?"

Searching the room, you spotted the Princess Peach doll on her bed and nearly sprinted out of the door. "I got it. When is your flight again?"

"Boarding is in another hour and a half."

Shit. You scrambled to snatch your keys and shoved the doll in your purse. "Okay, I'll leave now and meet you at departures, okay? Tell Cookie mommy's on the way."

You hung up and made a mad dash down to the parking garage. The airport was about a forty-five minute drive from your place, not including traffic or any other delays like the predictable Seoul rush hour.

At his own apartment, Simon was lounging on his couch, laptop on his chest as he worked. Loco was right next to him, on Face Time with the one and only Jay Park as he was at the airport.

"Have a safe flight," Loco was saying before Kiseok slid shoulder-to-shoulder with him.

"Get there and back in once piece, boss," the oldest one teased and Jay laughed. Unfortunately, he was distracted a little too long because he suddenly collided into a woman. The phone fell, face up and there were suddenly two faces on the screen.

His body guards reacted immediately and made sure the two were alright. Mildly interested, the two on the other side of the line watched on.

"I-I'm so sorry, oh God, I'm just in a rush." The woman's voice was so eerily familiar to Kiseok that he took a second to strain to hear it over the airport commotion.

Jay was off to the side, picking up his passport and other belongings that fell. "Nah, it's alright. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thank you. Again, I'm so sorry I wasn’t- Is this your phone?"

Without further ado, the woman picked up Jay's phone, and Kiseok felt his eyes bulge out of his skull when her face came into view.

What was Y/N doing in the airport? Loco didn't notice the other's tense reaction and simply waved at the stranger. You didn't seem to glance at the screen, yet they could easily notice your tear-stained cheeks, and just passed it back to the owner.

Over Jay reassuring her that it was fine for the third time, a loud and very male voice yelled. "Y/N! There you are!"

With another apology, you left the frame and turned towards the male voice. Jay watched the interaction for a second before continuing on his way, which was conveniently right past you. Loco was talking to the CEO like that didn't just happen when Kiseok saw you in the frame again. He was positive it was you this time around.

You wore that over-sized gray sweater that he thought was so cute on you, hair tied messily and hugging a handsome foreigner tightly. He pulled back from the hug and pushed back some pieces of your hair from your face before smiling, his lips moving. Staring up to him, you nodded, wiping your face with your sleeves. He brought you back to his chest, arms around your shoulders.

Involuntarily, Kiseok felt his jaw clench at the display of affection. His eyes tore from the phone quicker than he meant to, causing his junior to stare at him in confusion.

For the rest of the night, Loco was warily watching as the older man was fuming next to him. There was hardly any movement from his part and he was sure he was in a coma until Simon wiped out his phone, tapping it a few times before pressing it to his ear.

“Nayoung? It’s been a while. Are you free right now?”

Almost choking on his coke, Hyukwoo coughed. Why was Kiseok calling her, of all people? Once the call wrapped up, he nervously voiced his concern, “Hyung...Why are you calling her at this hour..?”

He didn’t get an immediate response, instead, Kiseok stood and glared with the power of a thousand suns at the TV in front of them.

“Am I not single? Can I not do what I want, with whoever I want, too?”

Without any further explanation, he stormed out of the apartment all together.

Hyukwoo stared after the front door in confusion. “Too?”

[miraculouscataclyyysm]

Seating plan au part 11

Shorter update as Iv been really busy this past week but really wanted to write something

Link to part 10

Lila and Chloe have at least 5 blow up in class every week, on one particular day (at the start of s3) Mari walks into class to find Lila hiding behind her desk as Kim and Sabrina hold Chloe back “she’s a liar I’m telling you l! This ridiculous! Sabrina grabs her bag it’s in there!” Sabrina goes to grab Lila's bag but Alya stands in front of her friend “you can’t just go threw people’s personal property, Chloe, not everything belongs to you” “you utter imbecile! Are you completely blind? You really can’t see what's right in front of you? Where you even listening? She took my personal property, she stole my bee clip! This is utterly ridiculous!” Marinette scoots past the scene and asks Felix “what’s going on?” “The usual drama” Alix leans forward “but with an added twist, apparently Lila is a liar and a klepto” Felix- “you believe Chloe?” Alix- “over lie-la? Hells yes, Chloe is a nasty sneaky over the top drama queen but I’d believe her over Rossi any day” Felix nodes agreeing

Chloe starts going red in the face from yelling, yelling that finally wakes up Adrian from napping at his desk (he's sleep-deprived from the ridiculous number of photoshoots he’s been doing lately all thanks to dad of the year Gabriel) he nudges Nino “should we really be letting them go at it like this? What if they attract an Akuma?” Overhearing this Mari stands up “erm guys? Mabey we should all calm down and wait for miss bustier?” Alya- “no offence Marinette but stay out of this” Alix-“don’t talk to her like that!” Felix-“seriously?” Chloe- “I can’t believe I'm actually saying this but Dupain-Cheng‘s right so let’s go find Miss Bustier so she can go threw your bag lie-la” quickly thinking Lila jumps up from her hiding spot and says “we don’t have to do that” everyone turns to look at her “I’m sure nobody wants to bother her with this silly misunderstanding right? I’m sure you just left you bitterly pin at home” boiling over Chloe screams “ITS A BEE CLIP YOU PSYCO” And then she launches herself over the desks to slap Lila

The fight gets broken up and both Chloe and Lila get sent to the principal's office but on the way there Chloe is akumatized into Queen Wasp (again) and she’s out for blood, Lila seeing Chloe transform runs for the hills realising she’s definitely chloes target

Queen wasp tales Alya as leverage to bring Lila out of hiding, she makes Alya record a video and post it on the lady log, the video is basically Qeen wasp demanding lady bug and chat Noir being her “the evil criminal Lila Rossi” and she’ll let Alya go, cut to Lila locked in her bathroom refusing to leave and help out lb and chat

Chat-“please Lila we need your help” “I’m not an idiot you stupid cat you don’t want my help you want me as live bait, well guess what? That’s ain’t me” lb mutters “well you sure seem like it” *chat looking at lb pleadingly for help* “look lie...erm Lila don’t you wanna help your friend? We only need you for 2 minutes to distract queen wasp, I promise you won’t be in any danger” “why the hell would I trust you?!? Your both complained useless SO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!” *lb eye twitches*

chat- “please Lila, Alya needs you right now, we need your help, trust me, we wouldn’t be here if we didn’t, I know deep down you know helping us is the right thing to do, please do the right thing” Lila-“the right thing is me staying right here away from you useless disasters, I’m not getting my self killed for you idiots or that wanna be reporter” “really? If we’re so useless why do you run a blog about me? Or claim to be my best friend wh-“ chat cuts her off and pushes her out of the room, he really hates missions that involve Lila

Chat ends up breaking down the bathroom door *the miraculous cure will fix that...right?* and Carrys Lila our of the house kicking and screaming *LB smirks* “oh so you changed your mind? Thanks, Lila, looks like you’ve already cough Queen wasps attention” screaming “YOUR BOTH CRAZY PUT ME DOWN” *lb muttering under her breath* “I wish” then chat drops her “oops”

They beat Queen wasp pretty easily, and after LB and chat take Chloe and Lila back to school, and just to spite Lila because she’s gotten on lb/Mari’s last nerve that day she asks Lila to empty her bag on her desk and magically chloes bee clip is there “I TOLD YOU! You're all utterly ridiculous, this is why you should all listen to me I’m always right! Sabrina call my father right now and tell him to get this obsessed freak out of this school right this second” Marinette instantly regrets helping Chloe...these girls will be the death of her

“Well, that was a mistake” chat-“helping Chloe? *smirking* or getting one over on Lila?” “Honestly...all of it, Chloe is frustrating but that Lila...she gets under my skin...I don’t trust her” *chat looks concerned* “I know, I don’t trust her either, but there’s nothing we can to bugaboo, all we can do it try our best to keep her on the right path...even if she fights it” “what if it’s already too late?” “Then we fight back” *lb smiles at chat* “I gotta go kitty...but thank you, it helps to know I’m not the only one concerned” “I’ll always have your back bugaboo, were a team!”

The next day when mari walks into class it’s a lot calmer, she takes her seat next to felix and is about to ask him if he remembered to bring the scarf she forgot at his when she hears Lila talking to Alya and rose “I’m basically on the team now, ladybug said if she wasn’t so worrid for my safety she’d give me my own miraculous, she even said she knew one that would be the perfect match for me” Rose-“really?!? Did she say what it was?!?!” Lila-“unfortunately no, she was to distracted trying to figure out who would set me up like that, it’s scary, why would someone put chloes clip in my bag? I honestly don’t feel safe anymore” Rose hugs Lila and Alya says she’s alredy on the case “as an investigative journalist I’m sure I’ll figure it out”

*Alix groaning* “can you guys believe there actually buying this bull?” Kim-“people believe what they wanna believe” felix-“or there just idiots” Kim-“Yeah, or that” Mari crunches yo her nose looking concerned, Felix notices and puts his hand on her arm “your thinking too hard” Mari blushes “sorry, I just don’t trust that girl” Felix-“well if it helps I happen to believe you won’t need to worry for too long” Mari-“ominous” Felix-“I’m just saying, Ladybug seems to have the same feelings towards Lila as you, she’s smart, I’m sure she’s already thinking up a plan to save Paris from its resident Compulsive liar and Akuma causer” Alix was totally eavesdropping on the conversation and interjects Alix-“and if She Doesn't iv already dreamed up multiple ways we could get rid of her...there mostly legal” *Kim looking concerned* “you really scare me sometimes” Alix-“good”

Tags-

@loveswifi @lunar-wolf-warrior @bamagirl513 @persephonebutkore @charlietheepic7 @7-sage-7 @spicybelladonna @akana-sama @goggles-mcgee

Link to part 12

[comicteaparty]

June 10th-June 16th, 2020 Reader Favorites Archive

The archive for the Reader Favorites chat that occurred from June 10th, 2020 to June 16th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following  question:

How does poor web design affect if and/or how you read a particular webcomic?

carcarchu

it's a huge factor. if a comic is amazing in every way but the website or app makes it difficult for me to read i'm simply NOT going to read it. there are a lot of great series that i've put on the back burner just because the website is so annoying to navigate

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i've honestly never run into a website so bad it stopped me from reading a comic i was interested in

carcarchu

FYI the worst comic app i've ever experienced is Aqua Kiss which I downloaded to read a single series. it's the most barebones app imaginable with no search bar. if you want to read something you actually have to manually load each calendar week to find it and some stuff are buried dozens of pages back. and to make matters worse it doesn't have a "history" or "bookmarks" feature either

Deo101 [Millennium]

The worst things with sites that I see often are 1: huge headers, and 2: laggy sites (not really site design, but its adjacent I think) Another is if the pages are too big on the screen, so you can't, for instance, see some panels all at once. Those kinds of things can really ruin a reading experience for me

carcarchu

One example of a website that is hostile to the reading experience is ZMYK which for some reason hosts vertical scroll comics but cuts them up into little pieces as if they were comic format so you can't actually scroll through the entire chapter as it was intended to

That kind of thing grinds my gears so much how can something you have to pay for be that incredibly bad

Deo101 [Millennium]

I've also seen some sites that have graphic design issues, where elements are illegible due to their color, and some have very busy and distracting backgrounds. Those kinds of things won't necessarily ruin it, but they're distracting

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

forward comic's website was doing this weird thing where the further I read the longer pages took to load. Near the end it seemed they were taking 10 full seconds. Still read the whole thing though. Reading manga on shady sites with terrible internet connection as a kid has desensitized me

Oh one comic I was interested in but didn't read because of the site: I was kidnapped by lesbian pirates from outer space. It doesn't have a website. To read it you have to pirate (hehe) copies of the archive.

It's a pretty sad story- the author was young and tricked into giving up the rights to her series

She ended up taking the site down to prevent the company from getting any more money off of it

https://rosalarian.tumblr.com/post/65353128180/its-with-extreme-sadness-that-i-announce-that-my

Here's her post about it

I think it can be a good warning message to us

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

For me, the biggest thing that deters me from reading a comic is if the website isn't well optimized for mobile (as someone who reads a lot on the go). This includes the images loading bigger than the page, or navigation being hidden on mobile, or glitchy scrolling, or any number of ungodly things. Also, too many ads. That'll turn me away in a heartbeat.

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah ads are definitely a huge turnoff for me too

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

FYI the worst comic app i've ever experienced is Aqua Kiss which I downloaded to read a single series. it's the most barebones app imaginable with no search bar. if you want to read something you actually have to manually load each calendar week to find it and some stuff are buried dozens of pages back. and to make matters worse it doesn't have a "history" or "bookmarks" feature either

@carcarchu okay i just digested this comment and wtf

no search bar is laughably bad omg

how did you even find out about it

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah that's ridiculous hahahaha

carcarchu

it's a shame because there are genuinely good comics on there you can't read anywhere else?? and i found it because an artist i adore did a series for it but it got AXED after only 2 chapters and after that was pretty much scrubbed from the internet. i think it's a shame because it really had so much potential and it ended before the story was really able to start

it's a screenshot from the app. you can see that it is categorized reverse chronologically by week

the point of aqua kiss is to emulate monthly/weekly style manga magazines but in app form. however i think the execution of this idea was horrendous

SteffieMusings

Oh no! It must make reading there so challenging. As for me, if the navigation is so hard to understand/pages don't load properly when you click a link or when the website's colours hurt my eyes so much I can't stay there for too long.

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

Honestly nowadays most of the CMS's out there share the same basic functionality and adaptability, so it's getting harder to screw up on that. Most sites are OK, if only a bit laggy. If the site takes less than 2 seconds to load and it's not so crowded that I have to look for the comic, I'm generally good.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

How much bad/inaccessible web design I'll tolerate is directly proportional to how much I care about the comic.

I've dropped a couple series in the middle of the archive just because they changed the site design to screw up the tracking of bookmarking sites, so I would've had to figure out an alternate way to keep track of it, and it didn't seem worth the effort

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Oh yeah, I've totally had that happen too where I was deep into an archive, had taken a reading break for a month or two, and came back to find the urls had been updated and my spot was lost it isn't so bad if a comic also has an archive page, but ive stopped reading a few stories that it would have been too hard to track down where I was.

DaeofthePast

I haven’t had to experience weird websites in a while, but I do sometimes go to an unknown website to read the comic/manga I’m looking for. Mostly what I’ve had trouble with is unnumbered chapters, of that it’s unclear where/how to start reading in general.(edited)

Like, I get to the page for that specific comic and then there’s no easy “start reading here” button anywhere

And when I do find the chapters list, I don’t know which end of the list is the beginning bc it’s unnumbered

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Is a "First page" button enough or are you looking for a "new readers start here" button? (<- is redisigning her page)

DaeofthePast

Is there a difference? :0

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

hm, sometimes yes.

Some old running comics have different jump-on points (schlock mercenary for example).

DaeofthePast

Ooh I see

Well when I first go on the site, I just want to start reading so idk

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

So, I always try to read every comic that's featured in the book club all the way through. Like even if I don't particularly like the opening, or if the comic is thousands of pages long, or I don't have time to meaningfully discuss the comic, I do try to at least give the comic a fair shake by reading through the entire archive. There have been four exceptions. One was because of content (it was a gag a day comic, and the content was SO horrible for SO long that I just couldn't stand it anymore. real "punching down" type of humor). Another was because the comic was literally deleted before I could get to it. The remaining two were because the site design/organization were so awful that the comics were unreadable. One of the two comics had a custom built, hand-coded site (I assume), and it just... didn't work properly. Like the "previous" button seemingly took you to a random page, the "next" button and the "latest" button led to the same place, etc. I'm not sure the creator ever bothered to test the site. The other one used some pre-built stuff, so it was ok... but you had to scroll to the top of the page to go to the next page. Not only that, but the author was posting all their comics to the same archive - which means one page would be the comic that was actually meant to be read for the book club and the next few pages were a completely different comic entirely. And this wasn't a gag-a-day either - it was a story based comic, so the three action minimum to get to the next page made things absolute hell to keep track of.(edited)

DaeofthePast

Wow

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Uff, yeah, that sounds horrible.

Nyx+Nyssa's page is currently a barebone mess, but I made at least sure the navigation works. :/

DaeofthePast

Having the comic be deleted while you’re reading it sounds like such a weird experience lmao

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

i mean, it wasn't thanos snap style lol

DaeofthePast

Was the website gone too or?

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

it was in between days

nah the website was still there, it's just that the author had decided to reboot their comic and forgot that they had submitted it to the book club

DaeofthePast

Oh okay I imagined Thanos snap style

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Not really a design but a site thing: I can't do comics without an archive of some sort. On platforms like Tapas or WT, the episode list serves that purpose perfectly fine. I personally need to be able to see how many pages there are, and I need a way to go to specific pages easily. It might sound like a small complaint, but it's a big thing for me! There have been comics that piqued my interest, but once I saw that there was no archive of any form, I left forever. Sure, I might be missing out, but there are also lots of good comics out there that have accessible archives. My life isn't long enough to read them all, so I'm letting myself be very picky.

copperine

I can manage a very basic site just fine. But if a site is hard to navigate, or just makes reading the page/getting to the next page difficult - I'd be likely to give up eventually. Doesn't matter about the quality of the comic, but if it's a chore to just read it, it's going to put me off after a while

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

I will note - if you want me to actually discuss your comic in the book club, please do have an archive link, and probably a cast page too. Like the lack of one doesn't stop me from reading entirely, but I can't discuss anything without being able to look back at specific moments. (and one of those archives that just has dates doesn't count - lemme know what the chapter is!)

copperine

For example - when I read webcomics on dA, I was absolutely fine with either the author having a dedicated folder with the pages in order. Another option was to link next and prev pages in the description. But if I had to go find each next page, I just wouldn't.

DaeofthePast

By an archive do you mean kinda like a chapters list?

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

A list of all the pages, ideally

That also list the chapters somehow

copperine

Short version: if I feel like I'm spending half as much time navigating the site as I am actually reading, it's gonna get old real quick

DaeofthePast

And same copperine. As long as it’s organized well, I will probably read it

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Like maybe you click on a chapter link to get to a list of the pages, or maybe it's just a list of the pages with the chapter names as headers

some sort of organization

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah! (I admit my own comic's archive page isn't the prettiest, but it's 100% functional.)

DaeofthePast

I only have a chapter list so far ^^; idk how to go about getting an archive

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Chapter list is totally fine if your chapters tend to be on the shorter side

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I like having chapter lists around, although coding them can be a handful Not sure if to go for an archive with thumbnails or just with page numbers though.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

It's also workable if you also have like... a dropdown menu for individual pages on the actual pages? So it only takes 2 clicks to go to a specific page (first click to go to the chapter, second click to go to the page)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

OH yeah, there was also a dA comic in the book club once that didn't have any next/previous buttons. However, it was a short comic - the bare minimum for getting into the book club - so I still read it all the way through. But it was pretty annoying to do so. (it was also pretty obviously a fetish comic, but that's not really relevant to the discussion XD)

DaeofthePast

I want to post by scene so I’ll be dividing chapters like “chapter 3 part 1” to hopefully that will be better

copperine

I'll always take functional over pretty

DaeofthePast

Haha I’m not sure if I want to know the comic for that one

Also what is “punching down” humor?

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Like, the author was a straight man, and nearly every joke was making fun of people who weren't those things.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

it's like making fun of people but

copperine

Yikes

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

you're intentially trying to put them down

that's punching down in my imo rip

DaeofthePast

Oh

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yeah....

DaeofthePast

Well at least I know what to call it when I see it in the future ._.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Like, occasionally I see a shitty joke in a comic and I keep reading because maybe the author improved (we do sometimes get comics with archives that date back decades in here) But this comic was just so consistently awful for so long that I couldn't stand it

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

oof that aint good

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Though that's kinda off topic lol

DaeofthePast

Oh yeah

So bad site design...

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Anyway, I don't really wanna post the examples of the comics I talked about in here cuz I don't wanna call anyone out

Actually, hold on, lemme check something

DaeofthePast

I feel I haven’t had too much experience with bad site designs, but I might have just forgotten(edited)

K

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

ok yeah

so, the comic where you had to scroll up to the top of each page to click to the next one, and the site was multiple comics alternating pages that made the story rough to follow

copperine

Oof yeah having to scroll up to click next won't stop me but it is a bother

DaeofthePast

I like having the next button both on top and the bottom, even if they update page by page(edited)

It just feels convinient

copperine

Yeah same

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Re: punching up/down, here's an overly simplistic set of examples: billionaires making fun of poor people is punching down. Poor people making fun of billionaires is punching up.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

's good webdesign pattern for everything with continous content - e.g. blogs, web-novels, webcomics.

Ideally you have one on top, between content and comments and under comments

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

the comic that alternated storylines & required scrolling back up to go to the next page was Antibunny: http://vinnied.comicgenesis.com/d/20061002.html if you see that page I linked and click next a few times, there's no obvious distinction between the main story and the spinoff story (no, like, header change between the two, and the art style looks similar), so you can see how it'd be confusing to follow and the scrolling is just icing on the cake (it used to be even worse) the only reason I feel comfortable sharing that is because the author uploaded the comics to new sites, and fixed all those issues in the process: http://antibunny.net/

DaeofthePast

Oh nice. So they realized the problem

copperine

Aren't they in this server? Or am I thinking of another one

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Yeah, the author is in this server

copperine

I thought so

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Hence why he realized, because we told him that there was a problem during the book club

copperine

I'm not gonna take anything said here as a comment on anyway btw

DaeofthePast

It’s cool that submitting their comic to the tea party resulted in some good feedback :3

copperine

You love to see it!

It always makes me happy when webcomic community stuff helps people out, that seems like the ideal outcome

DaeofthePast

Yess

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

i agree on that yeee

DaeofthePast

It’s like having a friend point out a spelling mistake. Embarrassing but you can live with the knowledge that your work is now a little bit better(edited)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

Yeah kinda off-topic, but I love it when the author of the comic for the book club joins the server. Like not only does it mean that the author could join in on others' discussions in the future (pay it forward 'n stuff), but... it's just really sad when I see a comic pop up in the book club and the author seemingly forgot they submitted it.

DaeofthePast

How long does it usually take to get to a comic? :0 that they would forget they submitted it?

copperine

I always hope I can help others out or support them, and I hope they feel the same

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The book club had a very very long wait list in the past. These days, not so long.

DaeofthePast

And I guess if you submit a comic with a website, the people here can be your beta testers

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

what's odd is that five months ago, the wait list was six months but now, the wait list is two months y'all need to submit/resubmit your comics

DaeofthePast

I tried going to submit mine yesterday and the site doesn’t let me v.v says you’re booked for July

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

oh yeah, so it is

DaeofthePast

Maybe later :3

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

i guess Rebel doesn't want the queue to get too long

copperine

I would submit mine but I'm only at 10 pages and I believe you need to have 20 to submit

DaeofthePast

Ooh they have a minimum?

Gotta count my pages now

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I mean it makes sense. Hard to discuss a comic that only has the cover for chapter 1

DaeofthePast

XD

Tru

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

"Let us dissect this cover image for an entire week"

DaeofthePast

It would be a hilarious April fools challenge

copperine

Idk I think it was 20 minimum?

DaeofthePast

shrug

copperine

@snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) can you shed any light on this

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

The sign up form is where you would normally find that information.

copperine

... very good point

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

But the form is currently unavailable, and it's possible that Rebel might change the requirement when it becomes available again

copperine

Ah

Thank you for the heads up

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

FYI, https://comicteaparty.com/ is where the form will be available eventually

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

They accept resubmissions now?

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

I def like arrows on the top and bottom of pages for sites to be more of a thing, as well as clicking the image for the next page too! Honestly there hasn't been a make or break, mainly preferences, and the most complaints i have are with the mobile formatting. I think most comics have been pretty solid in functionality that i've read, and it's clear that having their own website is becoming mainstream enough for there to be help, tips, and tricks to making it work!

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I definitely prefer if I can just click on the comic image to go to the next page especially for mobile.

copperine

Agreed!

Idk about resubmissions tho

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

... Wow. I absolutely HATE clickable images on mobile, because they usually mess with the pinch-zoom.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i've had sites that didnt have image click throughs and the arrow..... was like SO TINY XD

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

Didn't think anyone would actually like it, so... huh.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i kept going back and forth

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

yeah, navigation needs to be bigger on mobile for safe tapping.

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Oh, re:resubmissions, I'm pretty sure you can if it's been long enough? I think @snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) mentioned it recently as an option. But maybe a tangent for #general

boogeymadam

i dont mind the pinch zoom being a little more difficult from time to time cause usually the clickable image is worth it to me

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Same

boogeymadam

am also fond of sites that allow left/right arrows to let you move forward and back on desktop

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Mainly it's just for like Krispy said, reading on mobile and tiny next/previous buttons.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

ye my dummy thicc fingers prefer the click through image for sure

ohh yes Boogey that too

boogeymadam

it took me hours of googling to find the very simple comicpress option to just turn that on on my site

copperine

Mmm I do like sites that allow pinch zoom though

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I also prefer clicking on the image to go to the next page

mariah (rainy day dreams)

My fingers small, but still dummy T-T

copperine

It makes it easier to get a better look at the page

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

iweudhweiu Mariah XD

copperine

Especially if it's got smaller font

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

nyxandnyssa has a seperate navigation for mobile that's much bigger and skipping scene select to make tapping easier.

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

I've had the hover text def bum me out for some comics, where you click the image and it just displays the text, then you gotta click the tiny next bar def killed me there

copperine

I've never had issues with pinch zoom affecting clickable images but I can imagine it would be annoying

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

but! never breaks me out of a comic for me to stop reading-! i persevere in the face of adversity XD

boogeymadam

i've never encountered a site so bad i couldnt continue reading. maybe stuff where i'd stop reading until i was less frustrated but i'd come back later.

DaeofthePast

That’s something I’ll have to consider for my site then

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I feel like Smackjeeves had a really obnoxious auto pitch & zoom before they updated most recently. I like when I can turn it off on my phone. I'd rather do it myself most of the time and let my phone try to auto it X')

DaeofthePast

I usually read on desktop more often than on mobile so it’s good to hear from other’s experiences

copperine

Idk I've never used a custom site yet

boogeymadam

same dae, except on tapas and webtoons!(edited)

comics with their own website i'll boot up my computer for a single update of

DaeofthePast

Even on webtoons I read on desktop

boogeymadam

omg your power, webtoons feels so choppy on desktop to me

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

im definitely lucky that our site got a mobile friendly version i remember the 'ol pinchy zoomz was tiresome on our site for sure

DaeofthePast

I get headaches from reading on my phone unfortunately :/

Idk what the difference is between reading mobile and on a desktop but my brain doesn’t like it

Like, I can text fine???? But reading a comic for some reason is like “no”

So yeah, comics on desktop for me

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

ohh!! it could be the close proximity!

DaeofthePast

Ooh :0 maybe?

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i know i get motion sickness depending on how close/ far i am from screens

DaeofthePast

Maybe it’s something like that... :O

boogeymadam

whatever the reason sorry you get headaches and motion sickness from comics :'0

DaeofthePast

Every once in a while I’ll try again to read on mobile I never learn

boogeymadam

the only reason i dont like mobile is sometimes comics text is a combination of too small there and the font is hard on my dyslexia

DaeofthePast

Rip

boogeymadam

so i see if zooming in on my computer helps

DaeofthePast

The lesson here is that it’s good to have both mobile and desktop options

boogeymadam

yep :'D

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

ohhh yea def agree. I know that feeling and i sometimes ... have a Time reading my own work XD (i admit it lol!!)

boogeymadam

sometimes my own comic is hard on my dyslexia for The Effect so i never have hard feelings with other comics

copperine

(brb)

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

ewiudhiwue the things we do AT WHAT COST XD

DaeofthePast

Asdfghjkl

Meanwhile I use the same font for everything

boogeymadam

wait im gonna generalize this more so it can be a party

DaeofthePast

Please post that on pillowfort so I can reblog it

boogeymadam

you can post it for yourself if you want dae!

i'm having a hard time logging on asdfgjh

DaeofthePast

Rip sure

copperine

Ah see I have both

Because hand lettering

It's great for feeling right for a comic but also eternally wondering if it's readable

DaeofthePast

Ooh yeah I guess that would count as both

What’s your comic btw :0

Wait, we’re supposed to be talking about website design right

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yep! If it gets too off topic, you can always continue in another channel that's more fitting.

copperine

Ah sorry! Sure thing

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Mobile is too small for me

DaeofthePast

Yeah

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

(oHHMYYGOSH BOOGEY XD)

boogeymadam

mm archives were mentioned already, and how it can really turn readers away to simply not have one at all? my favorite archive is https://www.vaingloriouscomic.com/comic/archive 's but i've seen some where they attempted an all picture archive and it backfired by just being a page of all empty boxes. this didn't deter me from reading it and it got fixed pretty quick tho~ mine is one of these and its a very chonky slowmoving page cause i uploaded the first 90ish as fullsized pictures. nobody's ever complained so idk if it's ever deterred anyone from reading but i know i gotta fix it someday.(edited)

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I really dont mind any kind of web design in particular though tbh. I prefer desktop sites but it’s fine if the design isnt great

DaeofthePast

Have you guys ever gone to a comic website (for a single comic) and the colors used in the background were so bright that it felt like they were blinding you to the point it was hard to read the actual pages?

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

My archive is down right now becayse it broke and I dont know how to fix it lol

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i def want a fully view-able archive but we're gonna be hitting 800 pages and i dont know how well that will work XD

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

But I have a navigation bar now

boogeymadam

u could have multiple pages of archive, krispy!

i'm starting a new page for chapter 2

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Or dropdown menus

boogeymadam

but its probably important to have a dropdown if u have more than 1 page, yeah

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I want to switch to picture archives, but I haven't found a good plug in/way to get my word press to do it :( if anyone has recommendations...

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I wish I knew how to make dropdown menus

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

i'll have to bring that up ! we dont do the tech work for our site ( thank gosh seriously) but i love archives that show full pages

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

If I could make dropdown menus I would be unstoppable

copperine

I miss the drop-downs on SJ

boogeymadam

i feel like dropdowns are smth i pretty much only exclusively see on hiveworks comics

i wonder what their secret is,,,

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I’ve inspected the elements on so many hiveworks sites lol

I want to know

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

they use word press I think

for their comic sites

just have to do some digging with the site html and csss

copperine

Right click and inspect maybe...

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

Php stands for my Personal hell pit

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

if i could go undercover for yall i would XD

boogeymadam

also!! @mariah (rainy day dreams) i use elementor for mine

its not perfect and breaks like every time i update it but it works asdfg

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

... I'm currently writing a sparkling fresh wp-plugin for my page (comic easel wasn't doing what I wanted), but I am also a software dev who enjoys coding.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

My template I use functions in mostly php and xml and its gibberish to me but functions so well I dont know how to improve it to have specific things I want

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

my knowledge with site design is basic at best lmao

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

wordpress is a bit special in that it does most things more complicated than strictly necessary.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

but I do like fiddling with stuff

^that too lmao

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

I know Shiza of osarilho is really good at web designing? she's made some beautiful work with her site!

boogeymadam

i want to ask shiza for more help but not before i have some money to pay her :')

she's helped me a lot already

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I can do html and css at the babiest level

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I'll check that out Boogey, thanks! Even if it does break X') And I guess I'll just make a note to start stashing money to hire shiza XD im definitely at the point where my site needs a general face lift, but I don't have the spoons for it.

boogeymadam

imo i've made some really pretty pges with it. it's a drag and drop that's excellent at galleries, but it doesn't like when you don't have even rows for some reason

the wordpress plugin, Elementor, i mean.

copperine

I've been wanting to try comicpress for ages

I just don't know where to start

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I'm gonna move over to #shop_talk for my response

copperine

I had someone who was gonna help me out but we lost contact so it's on the back burner

boogeymadam

OOPS yeah

copperine

But for websites in general I prefer to have one that feels very basic than one that feels too busy or crowded

I'm not a graphic designer at all lol

If I do try an independent site I'm planning to pay a coding friend to help me

DaeofthePast

yeah i have no idea what I'm doing when working on my site, it's kinda basic, but at least it looks nice

copperine

I just use a premade theme on my ComicFury site

It works and that's good enough for me so far

Oh I guess the other thing that would put me off reading a comic is if the site isn't formatted for mobile, and/or particularly if the site doesn't have adaptive formatting

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

same, but editted it hard core so it looks like it's own thing lmao

copperine

I usually read on my phone because my computer is where I work so I like to get off it for hobbies

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

but for me uh i guess mobile i try to read it either on tapas, webtoon or its own site

I find just clicking the page to the next one helps me a lot lol I don't do a lot of zooming

copperine

Mmm

copperine

It's personal preference a lot tbh!

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I like my comuter because its big

copperine

Valid

Mine is not

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

did anyone talk about paying me please you don't have to do that

copperine

Idk but you can pay me

Idk what for but

I'll take money

mariah (rainy day dreams)

I absolutely would have to if you made my site awesome X') work is work, and you should be paid for it

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

fair enough

Just send me a DM whenever you're up for that and lemme take a look at what you already have

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I would hire someone to do web design for me but I dont have the funds & I dont wnat to make someone do work for me for free

sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)

I've been meaning to set up my own website for a while now, since the collective i was originally hosting my webcomic with kinda fell apart, but it's so much work and i'm hella intimidated :'''D

copperine

@sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead) there's been some related discussion in #shop_talk and I believe @boogeymadam might be able to advise (I'm sure others can too but I'm going off the convo from earlier)

Shizamura 🌟 O Sarilho

@sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead) depending on how much it is I can help you out

RebelVampire

Admin Reminder Remember this channel is for experiences as a reader first and foremost, so #shop_talk and #general are better if you want to discuss your own stuff.

DaeofthePast

thank you for the reminder :3

RebelVampire

I would say poor web design is something I have a complicated relationship regarding webcomics. On the one hand, outside of a site being 100% completely broken, I'm willing to sit through a lot to read. So in terms of affecting whether I read a comic the first time or not, there isn't much to say there. But it does affect how engaged I am with the comic. Cause if I can't easily go back to re-read a page, easily find things like character names, have to deal with extreme lag cause the host is garbage, have to deal with eye bleeding color schemes, etc. you can bet your bottom dollar 1 time is all that comic is going to get in terms of reading it. I can only subject myself to so much, and if I don't feel like reading a comic again because of the site itself, I'm going to quickly forget it in favor of comics whose sites don't make me cry. I do give more leeway to sites created by creators in many respects. But professional bigtime hosts like Tapas or Webtoons literally have no excuse for some of their garbage design choices. And some of their design choices are super duper garbage.

DaeofthePast

that's true yeah, there's a big distinction of the quality expectations between sites by small creators and those of big companies like Webtoons

RebelVampire

At the same time, though, I know from first hand experience that poor design choices are literally influenced by user data for bigger companies. So for every decision I consider stupid- at the same time they probably did the AB tests that showed crappy design A had better results for their conversion rates than user friendly design B.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Which boggles my mind

I wonder if there's some kinda causation-correlation thing going on that the A/B tests could not detect accurately

boogeymadam

Rebel mentioned sites that have eyebleedy color schemes and I'm in the same boat; will read the comic, just will be turning down the screen brightness a looot. Sites that have a huge space of extremely neon background that distracts from the comic make me reluctant to read on the site, and I'll look for a mirror before trying. That white background of the 2 big comic hosting sites can at least be affected and turned dark by nightmode when needed, while nightmode doesn't work on half the bright comic sites I've tried it on. u-u

[wroteasongabouther]

Grumpy, Part IV (FINALE) - A Harry Styles Imagine

PAIRING: Harry/Y/N

RATING: PG

WORD COUNT: 12.5k

A/N: omg did i actually finish a series??? wow.. thanks to everyone for the love and notes on this series, it’s been a blast and has improved my writing a bit too. be sure to check out my masterlist for more of my writing too!

“You should leave,” you say in a low voice.

“You’re fucking joking,” Harry scoffs, shaking his head while breaking the heartbreaking gaze between you two. Then he meets your eyes again, scowling. “Fine, this was fucking stupid to think would work anyways,” Harry almost hisses out the words to you.

Another punch to the heart. And then it breaks when he turns around, slamming your door behind him. The room is silent following his departure. You’re zoned out on the door, thinking maybe he’ll walk back in, but he doesn’t. With your heart beating hard in your chest, you wet your lips as a tear falls down your face. Slowly moving to your sofa, you hug the small pillow and let yourself cry. But after this, you had to get yourself back together and be the person Jeff knew you to be. The person he seemed to need - not the one that had gone behind his back and fallen in love with Harry.

or

The one when Y/N and Harry’s emotions are all over the place and they’re unsure how things will end.

(Find previous parts here and future blurbs too!)

⏤

Harry followed you the whole way back to your apartment. You know because anytime you glance back in the rear view mirror through the blur of your teary eyes, you’d see his Range Rover right behind you. The fact he’s willing to put up such a fight causes another sob to break from you. The heart ache you’re feeling hurts so damn much. But when you pull up to your apartment, Harry still right behind you, you wipe away your tears and continue to give Harry the silent treatment. 

“Yeh really not gonna let me in?” Harry questions in a bitter voice as you unlock your door, he’s a few steps behind you. You turn around and look at him finally, his face softens at the sight of your watery eyes. 

You hated everything about this. How you open your door wider for him to step inside. Then how you turn back around after he shuts the door and you take in how he looks. He’s wearing a white tshirt, it’s kinda see-through but you love the way the black ink looks under the material. His hair is just as messy as it was this morning, and it makes you want to run your hands through it and kiss his puffy lips. As you look to his lips, Harry licks them while he narrows his eyes at you. There was so much to talk about and Harry really had no idea where to start. 

“Are you really going to just listen to Jeff and end this?” 

“I don’t know-”

“No, Y/N, that’s just fuckin’ ridiculous!” He shouts at you, and as if something snaps inside of you, you’re shouting back at him.

“You don’t understand Harry! When Jeff mentioned how I should know better, he wasn’t just meaning it by my better judgement, he means that I’ve personally had to deal with this before,” 

“You’ve seen someone on my team?” Harry questions, jealousy clear in his voice. 

You roll your eyes at him, “God no, not me, you! I’ve had to fire people when you got too close to them before. Remember last year, that lovely brunette who was working with Lambert and you decided to fuck around with her for a couple weeks? Then she just disappeared? Because I had to call her into the office, I made sure there was no personal photos or videos or anything on her phone or computer and threatened that we would’ve sued her if anything got online, and then I fired her all because she was seeing you,”

“Well, that’s jealousy to a whole other level,” Harry jokes after a short pause. You only roll your eyes at him again. 

“Missed the whole fucking point didn’t you?” 

“Quit being such a bitch to me, this is just stupid and you know it,” Harry glares. “You’re not like that girl, hell I don’t even remember her bloody name! I fucking like you, a lot, and if Jeff wants to pull this card then I can pull one right back at him and fire him-”

“Harry, that’s enough,” you cut off his ranting and sigh. “That’s the stupidest thing you could do, we both know it,”

“Well what’s fucking stupid is that Jeff is trying to tell me who I can’t fucking date now,” Harry grumbles. 

You bite your chapped lips and stare down at the carpet. This was exactly what you were dreading to happen the moment you stared to get feelings for Harry back in Sweden. Hugging yourself, you continue to zone out while remembering each little thing back at Jeff’s office. You needed this job. This job was good, it was never about getting close to Harry ever. It was about learning all you needed to know of the music business and growing from your small position. You needed to get out of whatever daze Harry had you in and think for a second. Think about yourself and your future. A future that was currently in Jeff’s hands. 

“He’s right though,” you say into the silence that’s taken over the room. 

“Don’t-”

“No, Harry, this was unprofessional of me and I wasn’t thinking right. I made the wrong decision,” 

Harry snorts, scowling at you hard now, “you weren’t thinking right? Funny,” 

“Stop, this is hard enough for me-”

“It doesn’t have to be hard! Find another job and stay with me, it’s easy!” Harry yells again. 

You flinch at his words and bite the inside of your cheek while looking into his eyes. Maybe these past two weeks were all a mistake. Maybe you weren’t thinking straight because of... you didn’t want to say it, but you had gone through something so incredibly terrible and then had started seeing Harry. A small sigh escapes your lips. This is all just too much, so many thoughts running through you head while Harry stood across the room it seeming like pure anger was running through his veins. 

“You should leave,” you say in a low voice. 

“You’re fucking joking,” Harry scoffs, shaking his head while breaking the heartbreaking gaze between you two. Then he meets your eyes again, scowling. “Fine, this was fucking stupid to think would work anyways,” Harry almost hisses out the words to you. 

Another punch to the heart. And then it breaks when he turns around, slamming your door behind him. The room is silent following his departure. You’re zoned out on the door, thinking maybe he’ll walk back in, but he doesn’t. With your heart beating hard in your chest, you wet your lips as a tear falls down your face. Slowly moving to your sofa, you hug the small pillow and let yourself cry. But after this, you had to get yourself back together and be the person Jeff knew you to be. The person he seemed to need - not the one that had gone behind his back and fallen in love with Harry. 

⏤

You wake up only an hour later to your phone ringing by your head, completely unaware of when you had fallen asleep. Groggily, you sit up and rub the sleep from your eyes to see who’s calling. It shouldn’t surprise you that it’s Jeff, probably wondering how everything had gone down with you and Harry after you had left his office. Your heart breaks a little while you replay this afternoon in your head. 

“Hey,” you sigh into the phone. 

“Hi,” Jeff says quietly on the other line. You don’t respond, because truthfully this was all his doing anyways. “How did he take it?” 

“Not well,” you answer bitterly. Jeff didn’t even care. He didn’t realize how much you two liked each other, how much this hurt the both of you. Jeff clears his throat and you hear some ruffling around in the background. 

“Look, Y/N, I don’t know what was happening there but I was thinking about you, okay?” Jeff says, “if media was to get ahold of those photos or if you two were to actually be together or whatever, it wouldn’t have looked good for your career. The media would paint you out to be a whore and no one would take you seriously in this industry,” 

“I, uh, I understand,” you say quietly. 

“Alright, um, so as long as things go back to the way they were before whatever happened between you two, then you’ll still have your job,” Jeff exclaims. 

Your stomach turns at his words, a threat from your boss wasn’t always the nicest. “Got it,” you mumble. 

“Good,” Jeff sighs, “so flights at 10 in the morning tomorrow, I was going to get you to pick up Harry but don’t worry about it. A day or two apart might be for the best,” he says. 

“Okay, flight details in a recent email?” 

“Yes, I’m sending it out after this call,” 

“Sounds good,” 

“Alright, uh, have a good night,” 

“You too,” you mumble before hanging up the phone and staring down at your screen afterwards. Maybe only a minute or two passes before there’s a notification on your phone that’s an email from Jeff. You unlock your phone and open it up, deciding to figure your flight out now rather than later. Speaking of, you should really start repacking your suitcase soon too. And maybe order in some food, you wanted a chocolate milkshake and a cheeseburger and napkins to wipe your tears away later too. 

You furrow your brows as you look through the flight information. There had to be a mistake, but there isn’t. It has your name on the top. The destination is for Perth, Australia. But you wouldn’t be sitting with Jeff or Harry, no you’d be by yourself in economy. By no means was this you being upset over the fact you’d be downgraded from first class, it was you being upset over the fact Jeff really wasn’t taking this whole situation lightly. 

After another quiet moment at staring at your phone, you decide to get up and start packing. A task would get your mind off everything. Then a shower, to stand there and think about how you were going to continue on the tour. Would you step back a bit? Would you avoid Harry and pretend nothing even happened over the past couple weeks? You sigh and wash out your soapy hair while your mind runs wild. Soon enough your in clean clothes, have everything of yours ready to go for tomorrow, and get into bed. 

⏤

You woke up late. And with being in such a rush, you forgot to get something to eat. Simply getting a cup of water and a snack on the flight to London. Then from London you’re getting on the jet. If it wasn’t for Clare, Adam and Helene, you’d probably be doubling up on Gravel in order to ignore the fact Harry sat so close by. As Helene talks about her time home, you find yourself staring where he sat. 

His shoulders hunched forwards as he blatantly ignores whatever Jeff, who’s sitting in front of him, has to say. Just then you see the flight attendant bring him a dark brown liquid with a cup half full of ice. Of course he’s drinking already. You find yourself swallowing a lump in your throat.

As the young woman walks away, Harry’s eyes follow after her. You can’t help it as your eyes stay trained on the scene before you. The way he turns his body just slightly in order to check her out. But then his eyes trail up and find yours. It only makes the feeling in the pit of your stomach worse - and then his eyebrows crease together and his eyes narrow, giving you a scowl before he turns back around to face Jeff. Truthfully, it feels like you could get up and go hunch over the toilet for a minute but then it passes. You had to get over this, you had to be better than this and to act professional and not let your feelings get in the way. It’s something you’d be reminding yourself of day to day from now on.

“Did you have a good break? Visit your mom I’m guessing?” Helene asks, catching your gaze, taking your mind away from the mess Harry made it. By the look on her face you guess your facial expression isn’t what she expects. 

“Yeah, uh, had lunch a few times together, she’s a busy woman,” you lie. Suppose one lunch with your mom wasn’t what everyone expected. And they sure as hell wouldn’t expect for you to spend the break in bed with Harry. 

“Is she doing alright?” 

“Yup, just as strong as I guessed she’d be,” you nod, taking a sip of water. 

“I can’t believe we’re going to Australia right now,” Clare pips up. 

You smile, “and soon we’ll be in Japan,” you mention. 

“Then it’ll be my turn to give Harry and the others some lessons,” she says. You nod your head, remembering the times last month that you had given Harry lessons in the languages you knew. How things are changed so much since then was really baffling to you honestly. But here you were, thinking about taking some gravel in order to survive the next 16 hours. There was no way you could do it, not even from just being so uncomfortable when flying but you’ve already checked on Harry four times since taking a seat - you needed to pass out and not think about him for a while. 

“I think I’m going to take some gravel and sleep,” you tell the girls sitting around you. They all nod while you dig through your bag and find what you’re looking for. 

The plane had grown quiet, the lights down low as the sun had set now. You ask for a glass of water from the flight attendant, hoping she hurries as you notice Jeff rolling his eyes at the other end of the plane. Then everyone can hear Harry’s harsh words. His voice sounding so angry, so annoyed, so bloody Grumpy. 

“Shut the hell up, let me fucking live,” he growls at Jeff. 

Clare and Helene share a look, then their eyes both fall back to you as you play with the few pills in your hand. You’re not sure what to do or what to say, so you just shrug your shoulders as your lips roll back into your mouth and you avoid their eyes. Thankfully the flight attendant comes back and you can’t swallow those pills fast enough. 

⏤

Harry’s been in a piss poor mood for days now. He can’t seem to help it, no matter who he talked to. Hell, he even snapped at Anne earlier this morning before he went downstairs in the hotel to work out. That flight from London to Perth was by far the longest of his life. It was like it was never going to end. He didn’t care when he snapped at Jeff so many times he couldn’t count them on his hands, and he didn’t care when he glared at Adam or at Mitch or even at Helene. He wanted out of the tin can in the air that he knew you were asleep in. 

He remembers getting up to use the washroom, after nearly an hour of holding it cause it didn’t want to even look at you. But then when he got up and saw you hunched up in your seat, a jumper thrown over you by one of the girls he assumed, he didn’t feel the rage like he thought he would. No, he felt his heart skip a damn beat as he took in your soft features. 

Harry had swallowed whatever lump had formed in his throat and looked away from your sleeping body to head to the washroom. In the small space by himself, he found himself standing there for a bit too long after he had done his business. All he could think about was how only days ago you were falling asleep in his arms. Then Jeff opens his big mouth and he ruined it all. Harry remembers everything you had said in your apartment afterwards. How each word hurt him so much he wanted to drink it all away. So he did. Then he next morning when Jeff had to unlock his front door and poor a glass of cold water on his face - well it’s been bad blood between them ever since. And everyone else too. 

Harry knew he should call back his mom and apologize for his shit behaviour. But he also knew his mom had probably caught on to whatever, cause she was that kind of mom, and he didn’t want to explain the heartbreak her son had gone through. So instead Harry pushed himself so hard at the gym he knew he’d be feeling it even later tonight during the show here in Perth.

But nothing hurt more than seeing your face. He knew you were avoiding him the best you could. He’s even sure that Jeff has taken away some responsibilities from you too - which was ridiculous, seeing as you had broken it off to work for him instead. Harry tries to keep his head down as he passes you and Helene, he’s sure you two had just woken up and had planned to get breakfast and coffee. But Helene has a better idea. 

“Hey, Harry,” she says with a smile. 

“Hey,” he grunts, looking up to meet her eyes. That’s when he turns to you and meets your eyes so close since you had ripped his heart to shreds. He notices how you swallow hard and blink fast a few times before inhaling deeply and looking away from his hard stare. Maybe he was scowling again, and maybe he didn’t care. You had to know how much you had hurt him. 

“Did you want to come for breakfast?” Helene asks. She must be surprised to see Harry awake so early. 

“Too sweaty, I’m just going to order somethin’ to my room and meet you guys later,” he explains.

“Okay,” Helene nods. Then one last time he tries to find your eyes, but you’re looking at your phone. He shakes his head a bit before jogging away from you and Helene and smacking his hand against the elevator button.  

All you can think about during breakfast with Helene is how hot Harry looked. How badly you wanted his glistening skin to hold you against the back of his hotel room as his lips are glued to yours. Moving down to your neck, your chest, your... You catch yourself daydreaming about Harry before Helene can snap you out of it. She’s yapping on about some new lens she got during the break that she can’t wait to use tonight. You just sit there and smile while bringing your coffee to your lips. You were going to need another cup to last through this first day back on tour.

You had three cups of coffee and had the caffeine jitters to prove so. Jeff was on Harry duty, thank god, which put you in charge of meeting the new opening act. Suppose it wasn’t horrible to meet them while all hyped up on coffee instead of down in the dumps while daydreaming about Harry again.

“Hi, my name’s Y/N, we were emailing a couple days ago,” you say with a smile as you shake hands with the new opening act for this leg of the tour.

“Isabella, and this is the guys,” she goes off to introduce the rest of the band before moving onto their crew as well. Everyone’s so sweet, you’re smiling and laughing at their banter and you and Isabella are throwing compliments at each other every two minutes you swear. Can’t help you wore your Gucci loafers and best pair of cropped blue jeans too.

Just as you think the day’s going to be a good one, you hear something crash from the room beside the one you’re in. Everyone furrows their brows at the sound which is followed by some shouting too. You let out a short sigh through your nose and shut your eyes.

“Isn’t Harry’s dressing room beside ours?” Isabella questions.

“Um, yeah,” you pause while trying to think up what to tell these poor people who aren’t used to Harry’s tantrums - even though the past couple days have been worse than ever before. “He’s just having a really bad day,” you lie. Well, maybe it’s not entirely a lie.

“Aww,” Isabella pouts.

You can see it in her eyes as you glance her way. She feels bad for Harry, she feels pity for the mega rockstar and probably wants to make him feel better. The mere thought of her walking into Harry’s dressing room and flirting her way to his bed makes your stomach feel ill. You uncross your legs now and stand from the chair you were relaxed in for the past while.

“I should probably get back to work, I’ll see you guys around,” you say with a tight smile before turning on your heels and walking out of the dressing room. Just as you start down the hallway, the door to Harry’s dressing room opens quickly. Your heart stops at the thought of running into Harry right now in whatever state it is that’s got him so upset.

Thankfully you meet the wide eyes of Jeff, “hey,” he says as you meet his gaze.

“How’s it going?” you ask, meaning in general but Jeff knows you want the details on whats going on with Harry.

He sighs and falls in step with you towards the backstage area again. The crew is working hard in the early hours of the afternoon, getting the stage all safe and sound before dress rehearsal started up. With a smaller venue some things were a bit different, plus there was the new opening act, so a full rehearsal was on todays schedule of course. Meaning you’d have to face Grumpy eventually.

“He’s just pissed, as he has been all day,” he explains with a shrug. You fight back your frown, knowing this was all your fault in the end. “I’ll uh need you to watch over rehearsals today, take charge and give everyone notes please, I have some meetings to do,”

“Gucci?” you question, trying to switch the topic instead of frowning again from the news of you literally being around Harry this afternoon all afternoon.

“Yes,” Jeff smiles, “it’s all going down soon,”

“That’s awesome,” you nod.

“And uh, as for Harry,” Jeff doesn’t finish his sentence but his eyes and facial expression speaks for him. You swallow the lump in your throat and nod at Jeff while licking your lips. All nervous ticks.

“Everything’s fine Jeff, nothing’s going on, I’m just here to work,” you exclaim, saying the few short statements that you’ve practiced in your head.

“Okay, good,” he nods, “just uh, don’t snap at him of he snaps at you,”

“I’ve got this Jeff, been dealing with it for years,”

“And you’re the best at it,” he states with a nod.

“Yup,” you sigh and give him a tight smile as you both walk through the floor seats to watch the crew finishing the set up before rehearsals were to start up. Soon enough the opening bands manager sits down beside you and the three of you chat before Jeff has to run off.

Everything goes well during the opening acts rehearsal, they’re really not that terrible of a band to be honest. You do give their manager a few notes, knowing the look the younger guy was going to give you before you even open your mouth. Can’t help that you’ve had more experience with the world’s biggest boyband for the past five years almost before jumping onto Harry’s team as well. Therefore you knew a thing or two more about stage presence and such for a newer band like the one he’s managing. 

“Hi Y/N,” Clare says into her mic as the band gets onto the stage. You’re standing just at the bottom on the stairs now, alone since the opening act and their manager had left you to go through Harry’s set. 

“Hi,” you smile.

“Are you the big boss today?” Adam asks, fixing the strap of his bass. 

“Sure am,” you nod. Then you glance around and don’t notice Harry anywhere to be seen. “Where’s Harry?” you question, getting ready to pull your phone from your back pocket in order to text him or maybe even Jeff if he wasn’t too busy. 

The band’s all quiet. They once acted like this before, back in Harry’s worst days last year. He would be snappy and scowl at them all when they made the slightest mistake. You weren’t entirely sure what his problem was back then, maybe it was because of how busy he was, but regardless is freaking sucked to deal with. You did know his problem this time around though. It was because of you. 

“Alright, well let’s just get started then,” you say while shaking your head and walking up the stairs. “Mitch, since it’s a bit smaller we have you set up on this side of Clare a bit more centre stage,” 

“I don’t know how I feel about that,” he says, causing you and everyone else to chuckle. 

Just as you’re checking up on the rest of the band and how they are feeling, Harry decides to grace you all with his presence. It’s so obvious, to literally anyone with two eyes, that he’s wasted. He drags his feet across the stage, hand gripping a red solo cup while his eyes are narrowed into slits. Not to mention how strong he smells of rum, you want to pout and apologize to him for making him feel like he needs to be all moody and drunk because of what happened in LA. But instead you take a deep breath and approach him. 

“You really think this is an appropriate time to get drunk?” you question him. 

“’Course it is,” he mutters, “but want tah know what isn’t appropriate. Oh wait, forgot it’s our little secret,” 

“Harry,” you hiss out his name, thankful he’s closer to the front of the stage - maybe none of the band heard him. “Just shut up and rehearse these couple songs, please,” you order him before walking off the stage and over to the sound crew by the ‘b-stage’. 

He’s scowling the entire time. While the rest of the band seems bothered, and for you it just sucks to see overall. Harry’s in such a bad mood, even worse than at the beginning of this tour before everything between you two happened, and it’s rubbing the band the wrong way. Harry barks at Adam for messing up. Mitch returns Harry’s glaring, sipping his own wine already too, while Sarah and Clare sit quietly. 

“Alright, can we just do a mic check in the inner ears and then you guys are free to go,” you say loudly so your voice carries across the arena. 

Each one of them say ‘check’ into their microphones a few times, you take note of how to fix them till everyone’s happy and then you dismiss them all. After a moment of talking with some crew members, you head backstage yourself to go to catering in order to finally eat something since breakfast early this morning. Hell, you might even need another coffee if Jeff was going to up your work load like this again. Just as you’re walking into catering you hear him shouting in that same harsh voice again. 

“I don’t really care what your boss said, I’m your bloody bosses boss so I suggest you fucking listen to what I’m saying to you and-” 

“Alright, enough,” you bark through clenched teeth while stepping up to where Harry - still with a red solo cup of dark liquid in his hand - stood fuming at a poor lady who’s working for the catering company. 

“Oh fuck off,” Harry mutters and rolls his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” you say to the worker, giving her a soft look before turning back to Harry and matching his scowl. There’s no doubt that you’ve embarrassed him. Thankfully he doesn’t put up anymore of a fight and walks out of the room entirely. You so badly want to stay and let him rain his terror somewhere else, but you decide to do your job and follow after him. 

At first he must not realize you’re really following him. But then as you take a few long strides to get in front of him, holding open the dressing room door for him to walk into, he obviously realizes you’re not going away. Doesn’t matter what he mutters under his breath or how hard his glares at you. You were stepping up like Jeff needed you to and were going to set him straight before the show was to get started tonight. 

“Get in the shower,” you order. 

“No,” Harry argues back. 

“Harry, seriously, stop it,” 

“Why should I?” 

“Because you’re acting so unprofessional right now,” you state, crossing your arms at your chest as you watch him take a seat on the sofa. 

“Oh, you’d know everything about that now wouldn’t you,” Harry strikes back after taking a long sip of his drink. 

You don’t have a response. He’s got you speechless honestly. So after another moment of staring into his eyes, you shake your head and run a hand through your hair. This wasn’t going to be easy. You should have known by what he had said in your apartment those few days ago after Jeff found out. Harry was angry at you and was lashing out, but really what else would you expect of him. 

“Look, Harry, I’m sorry but you need to quit acting like this complete asshole and work. Cause it doesn’t matter what happened, we’re on this tour to work,” you exclaim, unsure of how to word what you’re feeling exactly. Suppose that would have to do for now. 

Harry rubs him bottom lip between his fingers, watching as you drop your arms at both sides and looking defeated. “At least you got a few good heartbreak songs out of me,” he grumbles, his voice still angry and hurt. 

“Harry-” you try, but he holds up a hand and gets up from the sofa, heading away to where the showers were. 

As you hear the showers start up you find yourself zoned out on the carpet beneath your feet. You had broke his heart. It was the worst thing to think of, but it was the truth. You knew it. He knew it. Hell, you’re sure Jeff might’ve put two and two together by now. Taking a deep breath, you move around to get a towel and such ready for when Harry finished up. Then you find yourself sitting on the couch hovering over your parents house phone number. Maybe talking to your mom would help distract you. You ponder it for a second and realize you didn’t just want to hear your mom’s voice, you wanted to hear your dads. You wanted it to be him that told you everything was going to work out and be fine. But you’d never hear that again. 

The sounds of the water hitting the ground echoes through the room while you sit there with tears streaming down your face. It’s been a while since you’ve broken down about your dad. Suppose now’s as good a time as ever. You sniffle and bring a hand up to wipe your tears carefully - not wanting black makeup to smudge down your face. All of a sudden the door opens up and Jeff walks in, his eyes finding your own glossy ones and he gives you a somber look. 

“Hey, are you alright?” he asks, walking over to sit beside you. 

“Uh, yeah, I’ll be fine,” you mumble and sniffle some more. “Harry’s just drunk, he snapped I didn’t I promise,” 

“You got him in the shower to sober up I’m guessing?” Jeff asks and you nod your head. “Did he say something to make your cry, Y/N?” 

You shake your head this time and look up in order to keep the tears at bay. “It wasn’t really him. I just,” you pause and let out a deep breath, “I just miss my dad, a lot,” you say and let out a shaky breath afterwards. 

Harry figures that you must’ve not realize he was out of the shower. He stood with the towel around his torso, his head beginning to hurt now as the cold shower helped sober him up, hiding out of the dressing room still as you and Jeff talked. When you mention your dad, Harry’s chest aches. He wants to be the one hugging you while you mentioned missing your dad, not Jeff. Fuck Jeff - he’s the whole reason Harry’s feeling this way. Making you feel as though your career is over if you were to stay with Harry, it’s right messed up. Just as Harry thinks about walking out there and saying sorry, he hears something he probably shouldn’t have. 

“You’re sure you’re not like, upset about being here with Harry after everything?” Jeff asks you, being the proper ass he is. 

“Yes, I’m sure. It was stupid and unprofessional. I never really liked him I don’t think, just got a bit caught up in things,” you say. You know you’re lying to Jeff, to tell him what he wants to hear in order to quit asking you about it. But Harry doesn’t know and it has him fuming. 

“You mind meeting with the opening act before the show, giving them a wave off,” Jeff asks of you. And then with that you’re walking out of the dressing room and leaving Harry behind to scowl and curse at Jeff as his feelings have been hurt all over again.

⏤

“Harry wake up!” You shout through the hotel room door. 

The room key in your hands shakes, well it’s your hands that are shaking. You don’t want to use the card and open up the door and see Harry in bed with some random girl. It’s now been a week since the break up, and Harry hasn’t fixed his attitude even a little. Biting on your bottom lip, you pound on the door once more and rest your hip on the frame in hopes he’ll get up and answer this time. But after a pause, another angry text from Jeff, and no response from Harry - you slowly slide the card through till the light turns green.

One deep breath to try and prepare yourself, and you already feel ill from the sight of liquor bottles along the floor. Jeff’s going to love knowing his hotel bill was about to go up. You sigh and step around to get to where the bed was. God must be on your side, cause he’s laying there on his tummy alone. You stare, deep in thought, and watch as he sleeps there.

He could’ve still had someone over. They could have been one of the smart ones that left before Harry woke, knowing they weren’t anything more than an one night stand. Your stomach turns at the thought. Regardless of everything, did not mean you just suddenly didn’t have any feelings left for Harry. You always would, and maybe that would affect your days of work throughout the future but you hoped it didn’t most days.

“Harry,” you call out his name loudly.

You see his eyes squint before he’s rolling around. Of course the blanket doesn’t stay around his hips. The sight before you only further your thoughts of him having a guest over last night. You look away and shake your head.

“Harry get up! Now!” You shout, a shot of anger had filled your veins.

“Jesus fuck woman, quit yellin’” he grumbles. His voice is thick from his sleep, causing him to clear it before he moves around some more. “Don’t act all modest now, love, not like you haven’t seen my penis before,”

“Jesus Christ, Harry,” you mumble and start picking up the bottles that were around your feet. “Get in the shower or whatever, Jeff says we’re leaving in twenty,” you exclaim.

“What? You’re not gunna be nice and start my shower for me, what am I paying you for?”

You knew the jabs of you working for him weren’t going to stop anytime soon. Yet every time it felt like he physically jabs you. With another sigh and smack of bottles in the trash bin, you stand up straight and wipe your hands on your pants. Harry has sat up now at least, watching your every move it seems. You blink a few times, ignoring his nakedness and then decide to make your way to the bathroom.

If he wanted his shower started, then you’d do your job and start his shower for his stupid hangover, again… you let out a deep breath as the shower streams down into the bathtub. Pulling the shower curtain, you make sure his toiletries are set and then walk back out to see Harry hasn’t moved again and he’s still fond of staring this morning.

“Twenty minutes, downstairs,” you order before leaving his room and walking down the hallway quickly.

As you get to the elevator your realize you’re breathing heavily. Grabbing the railing inside, you focus on your breathing and try to calm yourself down. It hurt. It hurt a fucking lot. But this was how it was supposed to be, you just worked for him and maybe one day a few weeks from now everything would blow over and this would go back to normal. The elevator rings and the doors open at the lobby, Jeff immediately approaching you to make sure Mr Grumpy was up and getting ready.

Throughout these past few days you’ve been handling more business sort of things. Jeff was mostly on Harry duty, and that’s probably why he’s been drinking himself stupid each night and going out with or without anyone from the team. But you couldn’t step up. So instead you just focused on work and hid away from Harry as much as you possibly could. In fact, this morning was the first time you two had talked in two days. And what a shitty two days it had been. Suppose even the banter between you two hurt less than the silence and scowls from afar.

You wondered if this was all worth it. As Harry comes down to the lobby, ignoring you completely and bickering with Mitch over something that had happened last night, you think maybe coming back to work at entirely a huge mistake. Maybe you should just tell Jeff to help you with a job at the office till you figured something out. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Helene asks, moving so your unfocused eyes met hers. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” you nod and brush her off. 

“You know, if there’s something you need to talk about I’m here,” she says. You give her a smile and a soft thanks before you’re walking off to the first car that would bring the lot of you to the arena. 

⏤

Harry’s having another shit day. But what else does he expect nowadays? The girl he likes dumped him, continued to work for him, and now ignores his existence. He walks into the dressing room at Brisbane with his head down and hands in his jumper pocket. Since he couldn’t sleep last night and had only ordered one bottle of wine to try and slow down, he had a shit sleep and woke up earlier than he wanted - which he supposed was better than being woken up by your shouting for a second morning in a row. And now here he was at the arena before pretty much everyone else and wasn’t entirely sure of his plan.

He’s sitting upon the sofa, the dressing room feeling plain since no one has been around to set anything up just yet. At first he looks around and thinks up where he could get his hands on some liquor. But then he remembers the text his mom had sent him last night, it had been the reason he only had some wine at his hotel room instead of the night out with rum he had planned. 

I’m not sure what’s got you all bothered and drunk lately, but I think you should slow it down a little okay? I love you.

Harry pulls at his bottom lip and zones out as his mind takes a trip into the darkness that’s you. He finds himself doing this a lot, thinking about you when he’s all alone. Harry first thinks about how this all started. How he fought back the smiles and the comments he felt towards you near years ago, and how he knew it wasn’t his best idea to get involved with you. He knew from day one that it would be messy. But then he got you. And just as fast, he lost you. 

Harry runs a hand through his hair and ends up pulling at the ends as anger bubbles inside of his chest. Never has he felt so strongly about someone. He cannot recall the last time he hung onto someone’s words and someone’s laughter like he did with yours. He loved being around you and spending time with you doing absolutely nothing even. And yes he understood the risk of dating someone from his team, but he didn’t think he’d care so bloody much. And now, to hear from your own mouth that you didn’t even like him through those days wrapped up in each others arms. Even thinking about it broke his heart all over again.

All of a sudden the door for the dressing room opens up, and you walk in. Your heads down, responding to a text from Anne actually, while you’ve got your favourite iced coffee in hand. Harry watches you, waiting for you to notice his presence. Finally, looking up from your phone, you meet his eyes and get a little startled. 

“Jesus Christ,” you mutter, heart beating out of your chest. “What are you doing here already?” 

Harry shrugs, “woke up early,” he answers in a low voice. 

“Alright then,” you respond then go walking off and beginning to set up the dressing room as you have many times before. 

“Got a coffee for me?” Harry questions. He knows how rude he sounds, but he just can’t help it. You’ve hurt his feeling a few too many times now for him to find his nice voice.

“Nope,” you say, “didn’t realize you were going to be here.” Harry wets his lips and watches you unlock the wardrobe cases before setting up a few things on the vanity too. Harry misses the days when it’d just be you two, getting him ready for the show and picking out suits.

“Jeff isn’t feeling really good today,” you state while turning back to look at Harry, “so I’ll be dealing with you today, just try and be civil, please, and don’t go drinking a bunch we’re almost done this leg of the tour and you’ll have another break to waste away with booze,” you say, hints of annoyance laced with your words. 

“Wow, you’re really asking a lot of me,” Harry breathes, rolling his eyes at you.

“Just want today to go well,” 

“Don’t want to get caught up in things? Just want to work, huh?” Harry knows his questions are about to start a fight. And when your eyes narrow to slits, fire in them, he knows he had done just that. 

“Fine, you want to start this then let’s get it over with,” you snap. 

Harry’s leaning forward now, pushing himself to stand up as his chest heaves with anger. All the things you’ve said to him are clouding his brain as he takes a few steps towards you. How much easier things would be if Harry never felt this way about you, if this whole thing had never started and he hadn’t kissed you at Nick’s house, if he hadn’t stayed in LA over the break or held your hand on the way to the airport - he would have saved him a hell of a lot of heartbreak. 

“You hurt me, I don’t understand why you think I can just go back to the way things were before that,” Harry says, shaking his head at you. 

“And you think I’m fine! This isn’t always all about you, Harry,” 

“Why wouldn’t you be fine? You did this! It’s obvious now that I meant nothing to you,” 

“You meant everything to me!” you shout back, feeling your eyes begin to water as an overwhelming burst of feelings follow your statement.

Harry’s fuming now, “well that’s not what I’ve heard. You’ve told Jeff how what happened was a mistake and how it meant nothing so many times I’ve lost fucking count,” 

“I was lying to him so that way he’d leave me alone for one stupid day and I didn’t have to talk about my feelings about you,” you explain. 

The fact that Harry’s doubting how you felt about him hurts you a lot. Because you’ve never liked someone so much before, it’s never sucked so freaking much to put yourself first before. Harry doesn’t respond right away. Instead he stands there with his arms crossed as he stares you down. It feels like that fight in your apartment all over again. Both heart shattering and mind consuming. You take a deep breath and lean against the vanity. 

“If you liked me so much, and it hurts you as much as it hurts me, then why did you listen to Jeff and break it off?” Harry asks the burning question before adding in a low voice, “we were so good together,” it’s something that’s been clear to him since things between you two started. He felt better, happier, and he drank much less when you were with him. The fact he realized that before Jeff or you did, well that’s just ridiculous.

“I listened to Jeff because I needed to put myself and my career first, Harry,” you state in a hard tone. It’s taking every bit of willpower to not break out right now in front of him. 

Harry’s face, which was soften for only a moment as he thought about how good you guys were, hardens again at how unaffected you seemed. Like Jeff’s stupid sidekick robot. What happened to the girl he fell in love with?

“It’s just a stupid job,” he grumbles under his breath. 

You are so fed up that you actually laugh at his words, throwing both of your arms up into the air while Harry looks back at you and furrows his brows. You shake your head and grab your coffee from the vanity again. This was stupid. Your job has turned into the most stupid thing ever. It made you feel like shit, it hurt you every day to see Harry, and it’s all because of the choices you made. 

“Just don’t make today hard, please,” you say before walking past him and out of the dressing room. 

You need to sit down and think. Just for a moment. And that’s how you find yourself in the shower room beside you dressing room. It’s not connected like at the other venues, it’s more private and exactly what you need. 

You must’ve been in the shower room for an hour maybe. Standing there, leaning against the tile wall as you hear the faint sounds of the rush of the crew getting tonight underway. You maybe have another half an hour to stand here in your thoughts before you had to wipe away your tears and be the person you were here to be. To do your stupid job. 

The job that brought you to Harry, you one guy you’ve actually fallen in love with. Yes, it’s taken you an hour to realize and admit it. A whole freaking hour of fighting your feelings to see that you couldn’t be here another day. After this last while in the showers alone, then going out there tonight on the last night of the Australian leg of the tour, you’d be done. You’d talk to Jeff and you’d quit and you’d be freed of the torturous days on this tour that were filled with such heartbreak it made you feel sick most days. 

It had started out with you feeling sad. Waking up that next morning after Jeff finding out about you and Harry, you were still so sad while Harry was drinking heavy again and shouting at Jeff every two seconds. Then with seeing him drinking so much and being so angry, not even being Grumpy, he was just plain mean - you got angry too. His backhanded comments and his scowling, it was like a jab to the stomach each and every time. But throughout this whole week, one feeling was for sure and that was your feelings towards Harry. You loved him and it was killing you cause you couldn’t have him.

⏤

The last show here in Brisbane starts in a few hours and you’re nowhere to be seen. Jeff’s freaking out, while coughing up a lung, and the band and crew are confused and now Harry’s all worried. Maybe he should have just listened and shut up. But now here he was, walking around the venue in hopes to find wherever you’re hiding and this time he had no intentions to start a fight - this time he only cared that you were alright.

Harry stops by the closed door that leads to the showers. Leaning forward, he doesn’t hear any water - but he does hear you. You’re crying, light sounds of you sobbing alone causes a sting to his heart. It doesn’t matter how much he tried to drink away the feelings or shout out his anger to you, he still freaking loved you. 

He doesn’t hesitate to open the door. And with the sound of the door opening, you hold your breath, he can tell. Turning around the corner he finds you. You’re leaning against the counter that has a couple sinks and a mirror too, cheeks wet and eyes reds while your hands shake at the sight of Harry finding you here. It makes you want to cry all over again, and you do, not being able to hold yourself together anymore.

Harry doesn’t care about the harsh words or the shouting from before, all he cares about now it what’s got you so upset. So he walks forward and inhales deeply before taking the risk of reaching out for you. 

“Shhh, love, it’s okay,” Harry coos as he wraps both arms around you. He really doesn’t care if you were going to act like a bitch and push him away, he’d still hold you through the fussing - there was no way he could let you just stand in here and cry alone anymore.

Thankfully you don’t fight back. You lean into his touch, finally feeling his arms around you felt like the world wasn’t ending around you anymore. You only cry harder as your heart beats fast in your chest and you lean into the crook of his neck. You really couldn’t believe this was happening, after all the the bullshit this past week, you were really in his arms right now.

Harry grabs the back of your thighs gently and lifts you up effortlessly till your bum lands on the counter. As he leans back a bit in order to look at your face, you look down at where his hips were between your legs and sniffle. Harry sighs, lifts your chin and frowns as you avoid his eyes still. He settles for wiping the wetness beneath your eyes instead. Instantly he tries to remember the date, but it’s not the 5th of May, it’s not the one month mark since your fathers death. Not that it really matters, that could upset you and break you any day - but Harry saw you as such a strong young woman. Till he walked in here and saw you standing here crying.

Your body shakes as another muffled sob escapes your tightly pressed together lips. You shut your eyes tight and rest your chin down to your chest. Harry shuts his eyes at the sight of you upset, shaking his head slightly before wrapping his arms around you again.

“What is it love?” he asks, his voice just above a whisper.

“I can’t do this anymore,” you mumble.

“What, what is it you can’t do?” Harry can tell his voice is easing you up a little.

You sniffle and look into his eyes for the first time now. Your eyes are red, still glossy from threatening tears waiting to fall down your cheeks.

“This, I can’t do this Harry, I can’t walk around here and pretend everything’s alright because it’s not,” you cry again and hold your sweater covered hands to your face. “I thought I could do this, I thought I could get over you,”

“It’s not easy, hey? I know, I keep falling for you every single day still,” Harry whispers into your hair. That only makes you cry harder, hands forming fists at the front of Harry’s shirt and he holds you tight. God this hurt so bad, Harry thinks as he chest tightens and he has to blink back tears of his own.

“Just be with me,” Harry pleads to you again, the same words he had said only just over a week ago now maybe even closer to two. All he knows is he’s been hurting ever since. “Fuck Jeff and his ultimatums and be with me,” he says.

“I can’t just be unemployed, Harry,” you say.

“We’ll figure something out, I’ll find you another job,”

This was the conversation you two should’ve had back in LA. But instead it was screaming and fighting back and forth before he ended up leaving your house and Harry ended up working out his anger by throwing back shots all night long. He runs his fingers through your hair and lets his lips linger to your bare shoulder, pressing a tender kiss before leaning back and kissing your cheek.

“Please, Y/N,” he whispers, voicing cracking as his chest aches even more. “I swear all the angry and all the things I’ve said lately I don’t really mean, I’ve just been so hurt. I just miss you so much,” he says, admitting all these feeling aloud to you. 

You let out a strangled sound, as if you’re letting go of a toxic breath you’ve been holding, and turn your head to press your lips to his. Harry doesn’t freeze for even a second, holding your head with one hand as he kisses you back. Your legs wrap around his torso tight as you put your all into the kiss, arms looping around his neck too. Harry kisses you deeply till you’re both out of breath, literally panting as you pull back. You rest your head on his chest as he hugs you again.

“Please don’t leave me again,” Harry whispers right by your ear. He can hear his pulse in his own ears, nervous that any moment now you’ll snap back into Jeff’s robot and thrash out of his hold. He can’t deal with that heartbreak again, never ever again. 

You lean back and look into his eyes, noticing the glassy look to them still. 

“We’re talking to Jeff this time, no sneaking around,” you demand, your tone as serious as you can muster up through all the feelings you’ve had the past hour and a bit.

“Right away,” Harry urges.

“After the show, you have to go get ready soon and that’ll be a long hard conversation,” you exclaim. Harry glances up at reflection in the mirror, meeting his own gaze as he tightens his arm around your figure and presses a kiss to your hair. This was all he wanted, you right here in his arms again. 

“Only if you come and get ready with me today,” Harry says. You roll your eyes at him but there really wasn’t any other thing you’d rather do than help him pick out a suit.

⏤

Jeff sighs, “look, I figured this was going to happen eventually,” 

You three are sitting in the dressing room, Harry right by your side on the couch as the talk you’ve been dreading for hours now is about to begin. You and Harry got to hide away while he got ready, stolen kisses and smiles all around till you met with Jeff before Harry got on stage. Jeff must’ve notice Harry’s change in attitude, you sure as hell did cause it was a damn good change. He was actually grinning on stage again and he kept looking to stage right in hopes to catch your watching eyes. And then after the show Harry looked right at Jeff and say ‘we need to talk’ before letting you lead the way to the dressing room.

“Then why threaten Y/N’s job and ruin the one good thing going, huh?” Harry questions, clearly holding back a bit as he glares at his manager. You reach over and place a hand over his, hoping to calm him down. 

“Because I got scared, okay? Yes what I said about employee and employer relationships is true, it’s can be hard and a reputation can be slapped onto you, Y/N,” Jeff says, “but I was scared because I thought the absolute worst first, if you guys were to break up then I’d be left with the shit attitude of Harry alone and I’ve never had to deal with you without her, okay? She’s the only one who can get a damn grip on you and has been here with me since I became your manager,” 

You can’t help but smile at Jeff. He was totally right, you were the only one who could handle Harry - even this past week with his worst behaviour and things being even worse between you two, he still listened to you. But only one thing made sense as to why he’d listen to you, it was because he liked you. Like a lot. 

“And I’m sorry,” Jeff adds, looking both you and Harry in the eyes. 

“Well you’re the sole reason behind our worst week ever, but whatever, as long as you don’t pull this shit again then I’ll let it go,” Harry says. 

“I’ll do you one better,” Jeff says with a smile before he looks into your eyes, “I’ll give you a promotion,” he adds. 

“I’m sorry, a what?” you question. Your brows are pulled so tightly together while you stare at Jeff who’s still smiling like a fool. What in the world? 

“A promotion, within the label,” he states, “you will no longer be working for Harry, and you’ll get the job you really deserve after all these years of hard work,” 

“Can you give us some actual details?” Harry asks, eyes narrowed at Jeff as he seems a bit spectacle of whatever he’s going on about. You roll your eyes at Harry’s bitter tone of voice and thread your fingers through his. This gets his attention right away, his eyes flickering down to your intertwined hands instead of glaring at Jeff. 

“There’s a new artist we have just recently signed to the label, she goes by the name King Princess,” Jeff explains, pausing as both you and Harry look at him again. “Her real name is Mikaela Strauss and she needs a manager,” he says with a smile. 

“Wait-” 

“Are you saying you want me to be her manager?” you cut off Harry to throw out your own confusion. 

Jeff nods, “I’ve been on the phone with her over the past week now, telling her all about you, and she wants to meet up and get things going. She’s very talented and I believe in her a lot, been looking for someone to be her manager for a month now, you’ve always been at the top of my list. But like I said, I’ve been to scared to let you go, Y/N,” 

“Jeff,” you breathe out, “wow, uh, thank you,” 

Jeff’s smile grows even more as he takes in how shocked and happy you must look, because this is exactly the job you wanted. To be a manager of a new up and coming artist. And if Jeff believes in her then you wanted this even more. Harry’s watching you, heart bursting at the utter look of happiness spread across your face, before his name is said by Jeff and he’s looking back his way. 

“Just promise me that you’ll calm down on the drinking again, and that you’ll quit being so damn grumpy all the time,” Jeff says. 

Harry narrows his eyes, “I don’t know-”

“Shut up,” you inject, giving him a short glare before looking back to Jeff, “he’ll be on his best behaviour, I will make you that promise. Now when do I meet her?” you ask and listen intently as Jeff goes on to tell you what he’s been planning this past week. 

Harry turns his head and looks at you. His lips tug up into a smile, no doubt his dimple pop out, as he can’t help but watch you. How your lips move as you talk to Jeff or how bright your eyes look - they haven’t seemed so bright in a while now. You’re just so excited and it makes Harry excited too. He reaches up and brushes your hair behind your ear, causing you to look at him in the corner of your eye while Jeff goes on about her new job. 

“I’ll, uh, let you two have some time alone now,” Jeff says, “van leaves in twenty minutes to go back to the hotel,” he adds before he’s walking out of the dressing room and leaving you and Harry alone. 

“I feel like this should be so awkward, like we literally broke up and everything,” you say while Harry keeps brushing his fingers through your hair. 

“I think I’m too happy to be awkward,” he states. 

You smile and sit up in order to snuggle into his side some more. “I’m happy too,” you sigh. 

Harry let’s out a deep sigh as you move your body around some more to get comfortable in the few passing minutes you two had together. Finally, you thought to yourself while resting your head in his lap and looking up at Harry - you missed this so freaking much. Harry smiles softly and brushes back your hair from your face. 

“This past week has been the actual worst,” he says. 

“I know,” you agree, your voice barely above a whisper. 

“I really am sorry for anything I said or did, I was just so-” Harry pauses to let out a deep sigh and look away from your eyes and in front of him instead for just a couple seconds. “I was upset,” he says. 

You give him another smile as his eyes meet yours once more, “I’ve never really taken your outbursts to heart before, so don’t worry,” 

“God, I’ve just been such an ass lately,” Harry curses some more under his breath as you shake your head at him and sit back up. You don’t waste a minute before cupping both his cheeks in your hands. You didn’t think you’d get to hold him let this again, the thought brings another smile to your lips. 

“But things are okay again, right? We’re together, we’re happy, Jeff fixed his mistakes, so you’ll be okay again, right?” You question.

When thinking back to the drunken stupid he’s been in lately, you got a bit worried. He wasn’t even Grumpy then, he was in a bad place and it hurt you to know it was your doing so. That’s why you had messaged Anne just yesterday and hoped she’d say something to get Harry to slow down the hard liquor a little. You don’t remember Miller being called to pick up Harry last night, and he was here so early this morning so maybe he did. 

Harry leans forward as you’re deep in thought and presses his lips to yours. The feeling of him kissing you snaps you out of your thoughts while your hands card through his hair and your bring him even closer to you. Dear God you missed this. Your heart flutters and your stomach twists and turns as his hands grip your hips and pull your flesh against him now. How you two went this past week without kissing, or even kissing, beats you - suppose the hurt and anger suppressed the want that’s always there. 

“Okay, okay,” you breathe out while pulling back from the kiss. Harry mets your eyes with his bewildered ones, maybe they matched your own. You focus on your breathing while fixing his black button down shirt that you had managed to wrinkle in your hands. “Maybe, let’s just take this a little slow,” you say. 

“You’re not asking me to keep this a secret again, are you?” Harry questions. You know he’s teasing, but you can tell there’s a hint of worry behind his words too. You smile and peck his lips quickly before it can lead to something more. 

“No, but maybe it’s for the best that we don’t just go out there and make out in front of everyone,” you exclaim. Harry chuckles and nods, and with that you get up off the sofa and fix yourself. “The van leaves soon, let’s head out,” you say. 

“Can I hold your hand?” Harry asks, his eyes trailing down to where your hands were by your side. 

You wet your lips and smile, “yes,” you say. 

Harry doesn’t know what has him being so open with you, but he doesn’t waste his chance to reach out a thread his fingers through yours. The last time they’d held hands outside of the safety of their own space, someone had taken a picture and Jeff had found them before they hit the internet. And now this time neither of you had to worry about that, he could walk out of the dressing room with your hand in his and then after you drop his hand to answer some messages while getting into the van and ignoring the weird looks from the band he can rest his hand on your thigh too. 

“Can I sleep in your room tonight?” Harry asks, his voice so quiet you barely hear him yourself. You turn to him and narrow your eyes, meeting a classic smirk and twinkle in his eyes to match the daring question he had asked. 

“Maybe, but no funny business,” you tell him. 

Harry really did just want to spend more time with you. But with that devilish smirk and the way his hand slowly moved up your thigh... You let out a deep breath through your nose and don’t stop his hand till his fingertip lightly brushes over the material of your jeans right over the spot between your legs... Yeah... There was some funny business. 

⏤

You furrow your brows at your phone screen. FaceTiming your tired boyfriend meant that sometimes he would become too lazy to even hold the phone up. You watch lights pass by at what you assumed was the arena, waiting to finally see his face as he adjusts his phone to face him once more. A smile pulls at your lips as you see the fuzzy picture on your screen now. His hair is still a mess, even longer than you had last seen a couple weeks ago in person. 

“Hey,” he smiles. 

“Hey, how’s it going?” You ask, swirling around in your chair while holding the phone to better your angle. 

“Good, just kinda rushing around a bit,” Harry answers, looking away from the camera yet again as he seems distracted by something. You can hear some people talking around him, not that you could understand anything they’re saying it’s mostly just a crowd of people talking.

“Oh, was this a bad time to call?” you ask. 

Harry brings the camera close to his face and gives you a soft look right into the lens. “I always love talkin’ to ya and seein’ your face, love, but I’m just a bit busy,” he smiles. 

“Yeah, I get it,” you say and show him a short pout before turning back away from the view of the New York street below your office to your desk that had a few tasks at hand for you to get busy with anyways. “I should get back to work too,” you add. 

“Get to it, m’working girl,” Harry makes a show to wink at the camera too. You chuckle and shake your head at him. 

“Talk soon?” 

“Of course, love,” 

You pucker your lips to the camera before looking at the screen once more and admiring how cute your boyfriend was even through a crappy quality FaceTime call. Harry grins at the call before he pulls the phone back and you get the perfect sight of his jawline before the call ends. You place your phone on your desk and lean back in your chair with one last sigh - you missed Harry, a lot. 

Upon getting back together and you getting this promotion that Jeff set up, things got good for sure. You got to stick around through the Asian and South American tour dates, settling into your relationship with ease and everyone around really accepted the idea of you two being together too. You stare down at your phone screen as it lights up with a text from Mikaela saying she was just about at the office. Your background is from your last day on tour. Harry’s standing behind you, arm around your waist and a wide smile on his face while the rest of the band and few other crew members stood around you two. Those days were long gone it felt like. Now nearly a month later, over half way through Harry’s North American dates and you just really missed seeing him every day. 

“Hey,” Mikaela’s voice carries through the room as she enters, her sneakers squeak against the new hardwood and causing you both to cringe. 

“Should probably let the cleaning lady know that she can chill on the floors a bit,” you say. Mikaela chuckles and takes a seat in the big comfy leather seat on the other side of your desk. After getting this job and the head of the label place here in New York brought you to your office, you knew it needed a bit of sprucing up - hence the hardwood floors and comfy chairs for your favourite and only client. 

“So what’s up?” Mikaela asks, running a hair through her brown hair and pushing it to one side as you give her a smile. “What?” she questions, brows pulled together, suppose you needed to work on a poker face when delivering good news. 

“There’s something by the couch for you,” you say. 

Mikaela jumps up from the chair and walks over to where her first framed plaque for her very first single ‘1950′. Her eyes light up immediately as her hands grip both sides of the frame and her mouth gapes open. Then she’s shouting out in pure excitement and it warms your heart so freaking much that your cheeks hurt from smiling so much. 

“Y/N, I cannot thank you enough wow this is un-fucking-real,” she beams at you. 

“You’re welcome,” you reply, getting up to hug her quickly and take a few pictures for her too. 

“Oh, and thank Harry later for me, even his tweet really helped me out too, I’m sure I’ll just miss him,” she says only about ten minutes later as she’s got her things together and ready to leave the office once more. She was off to celebrate. But first, she had you so completely confused you had to question her before she left your office. 

“Miss him? What? I’m confused,” you say, brows wound tight together and arms crossing at your chest now. 

“Oh, uh,” Mikaela must realize she’s made a mistake of some sorts as her face winds up with confusion too. “I just heard some people talking at the front desk about clearing out the parking space for Mr Styles’s arrival this afternoon,” she explains. “And I probably just ruined a whole surprise I’m assuming, so let’s just forget about this conversation,” she says before she’s running off with her plaque in hand. 

You move to lean against the front of your desk and pull out your phone. For a moment you think about calling Harry again, or even just sending him a quick text telling him the surprise is over. Or you could just wait and pretend Mikaela never said anything at all. An email about King Princess’s newest song release date shows up at the top of your screen and suddenly you’re in work mode again. Without a doubt you’re still thinking about what Mikaela supposedly heard and if your boyfriend was going to walk through the door any minute... 

That’s when he does. You first see a bouquet of flowers pushing through your door, causing a smile to tug on your lips but you cross your arms at your chest again and try to hold back the utter grin that’s pulling on your lips. Harry walks into your office, holding that beautiful bouquet of flowers and giving you a smile. He looks just as he did a while ago when you saw on over FaceTime. 

“I was wondering when you were going to get here,” you say slyly. 

Harry scowls then, “who ruined it?” 

You just shake your head and let your smile break through then. “Nobody,” you say. 

Harry walks over and set the flowers down on your desk beside you before wrapping his arms around you and hugging you tight. Inhaling deeply, smelling his cologne so strongly instead of the faint smell on the sweater you had stolen, your heart does that cute little pitter patter in your chest. Harry leans back and brings his hands up to your face, placing them on both of your cheeks. Shutting your eyes, you’re ready to feel his lips against yours but after a moment he doesn’t kiss you and instead adjusts his hands on your face. You open you eyes and meet his, mirroring his smile as well. 

“Missed ya,” he mutters. 

“I missed you too,” you say. 

Harry leans forward and brushes his nose against your before meshing your smiles together and kissing you with so much passion your head spins. You haven’t told him yet - but you really did love the crap out of this boy. Coming to New York a whole week earlier than his show was here at Madison Square Garden, surprising you, bringing you flowers and kissing you like this too. What more could you ask for? You were by far the happiest you’ve been in so freaking long. 

“Think we could get away with doing it right here in your office?” Harry questions jokingly while squeezing your bum with one hand. 

You chuckle and narrow your eyes at him, “settle down,” you warn. Harry gives you a slight scowl. “Oh come on now, Grumpy, can’t wait till we at least get to my car?” 

Harry shakes his head at you and smirks before his lips are back on yours. Yeah, life had turned out pretty good. And it was really all thanks to that ridiculous Grumpy prick you worked for. The one you had fallen in love with. 

thank you for reading xx 

(check out the story page for post ‘grumpy’ blurb also)

[s-writinglog]

Partners - Chapter 1

Summary :  Jesse McCree and Genji Shimada don't particularly start off on the right foot, and things only get more awkward as the two are forced to share a room and work together closely.

Read here on AO3

“McCree, come up here.”

Jesse sighed into the towel he was using to dry off.

“Comin’, boss.” He muttered, as if the voice over the intercom could hear him, throwing the towel to the heap and languidly shuffling to the command center, where he knew Gabriel was sitting pretty as he watched practice.

It wasn’t rare for Gabriel to call him out like this, either to reprimand him or try and give him some pointers. The man sure loved to hear his own voice. To Jesse’s surprise, however, the boss was not alone when he found him.  “Well, who’s this then?” Jesse smiled, nodding to the newcomer. He’d seen omnics before, but this one was new. The man clearly still had some human left in him, but what was left was marred beyond repair. What Jesse could see of the man’s face were two piercing red eyes, some serious eyebrows, and a lot of scars. The moment Jesse locked eyes with him, it felt like he was being stabbed in the heart, either by daggers or an arrow. Uh oh. He thought. This one’s gonna’ be trouble.

“Genji Shimada.” Gabriel put his hand on the man’s shoulder, only for Genji to quickly shrug it off, making Gabe smile.

“Wait, Shimada? Of those Shimadas?” Jesse’s eyebrows raised. He knew the Shimadas were on their blacklist, so what was one of them doing here?

“Yes, of those Shimadas.” Gabe continued smiling. He was getting a kick out this, wasn’t he? “His family wants him dead, and nearly succeeded in making it so, but Dr. Ziegler put him back together, and now he’s joining Blackwatch. And you’re in charge of him.” The Commander pushed Genji forward with a pat, forcing him to step forward a bit, to which the man’s eyes narrowed in rage, but he didn’t speak up.

“Uuuh, if you don’t mind me askin’, why me? Surely there’s people better suited to takin’ care of somethin’ like… This…” Genji’s eyes shot up to his face, the glare directed once again at him. Jesse didn’t break his stride, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit intimidated. Gabe was clearly finding all this amusing, having a hard time hiding his smile.

“He reminds me a lot of you when you first joined us. Self-destructive, ornery, standoffish. Figured you’d be the best choice. Plus, you seem to have a lot of time on your hands nowadays.” To this Jesse scoffed, making Gabe give him a look. “Why, do you have an issue with my decision?” Jesse fought rolling his eyes.

“No sir. I’ll try not to disappoint you.” He once again looked at Genji, who was looking off in some other direction with disdain.

“Good. You’ll be making direct reports to me and Dr. Ziegler regarding his behavior and health. You’ll also be sharing a room with him. I’ve had your stuff moved.” At this Jesse’s eyebrows furrowed, and he opened his mouth to say something, but a look from Reyes made him close it.

“Yes sir.” He sighed.

“Good. Go report to Dr. Ziegler now, and she’ll give you the lowdown on what she’ll want you to do.”

“Yes sir.” He repeated, and looked to Genji. “Well, let’s get goin' partner.” He made sure not to touch him, but gestured for him to follow. Genji looked back at Gabe for a moment, to which the man gave him an encouraging nod. Genji nodded back, and began begrudgingly following Jesse.

As the pair walked to med bay, the silence was deafening. Jesse wanted so badly to break the silence, but he couldn’t think of anything productive to say, and he was afraid to be met with those vicious eyes again, so he just stayed quiet. When they finally reached their goal, Jesse was relieved to be in the presence of a familiar person, and could almost feel the tension dropping out of him as he saw Angela Ziegler hard at work. She was so absorbed with whatever she was doing that she didn’t even seem to notice when they walked in.

“Dr. Ziegler?” Jesse called out, approaching her desk. No response. “Angela?” He loomed over the desk, leaning over and waving a hand in front of her face.

“Oh!” She shot up, shooting her rolling chair backwards violently. “Ah,” she grabbed the chair, and pulled it back to her desk. “Sorry, Jesse. I think I may have dozed off.” She had certainly looked better, the bags under her eyes made it clear she hadn't slept in a while, at least well.

“S’not a problem.” He smiled at her. “Reyes sent me here so you could tell me a bit about our new recruit.” He motioned his head towards Genji, who also seemed to have relaxed, if only a bit.

“Oh, Genji! How are you feeling today?” She raced around the desk and began poking and prodding the man. Unlike earlier, this time he didn’t protest. Jesse took a step back, giving the two some space.

“Well enough, Dr. Ziegler.” After hearing Genji speak up for the first time, Jesse raised his eyebrows. What a handsome voice. He thought to himself, then shook the thought out of his head by physically shaking his head.

“I told you you can call me Angela.” She quirked her mouth, continuing to lift this and bend that as Genji continued looking forward.

“And I’ve told you, I’d rather not.” It was awkwardly silent again for a moment as Angela kept herself busy inspecting her work, until Jesse cleared his throat.

“Oh! Sorry, you’re right, I almost forgot why you were here!” Angela took a step back, and addressed Jesse. “So, I’m sure you can tell by looking at him, but Genji is comprised mostly of artificial parts at the moment.” At this, Genji seemed to tense up again, crossing his arms. Angela looked at him sadly for a moment, before turning back to Jesse. “It’s all perfectly functional, I assure you, but he’s a bit of a work in progress. Has been for a few weeks now, but we finally felt that he was at the point where he could begin moving around and going about daily life like everyone else.” She smiled weakly. “But we’re scared to let him really do all this on his own. He’s a bit unstable at the moment, both mentally and physically, so we need someone to watch over him. We figured it might be better to assign someone he can actually work with rather than medical personnel. Is that OK?” She looked to Jesse with concern.

“Huh,” Jesse scoffed, “Not like I’ve really got a choice ‘s far as the commander’s concerned.” He looked to Angela apologetically. “I mean, of course it’s fine. ‘Course I’d prefer to have more say in it, but I really don’t mind, s’long as he doesn’t.” He looked to Genji at his side, who seemed to be avoiding this conversation like the plague.

“He’s got as little choice as you do in this matter, unfortunately.” She sighed. “But I think the two of you will be good for each other. Or at least, you’ll be good for him.” She laughed, and went back to sit at her desk. “So basically, I just need you to keep an eye on him. There’s a few specific things you’ll need to do, though…” She opened a drawer in her desk and pulled out a piece of paper. “Here, I’ve written up a schedule with details.” She handed it to Jesse, and then pulled another one out and looked at it. “I’ll go over the important things." She cleared her voice, before beginning her spiel.

"First of all, he DOES need sleep, but he also needs to recharge the battery operating his mechanical parts. There’s a port at the back of his neck,” she turned around and pointed to a spot on the nape of her neck. Jesse looked over at Genji’s neck and saw it, then gave Angela a thumbs up. “There’s a battery in your room, he needs to recharge every night. It should last for a week, so bring it to me on weekends to refill it. As for meals, he also still needs eat, although he doesn’t taste anything. His tongue’s synthetic, but all his organs are more or less the same. We’re lucky they didn’t take as much damage as some other parts.” She looked seriously at the paper, and it was clear that she’d gone back into work mode. “So he needs to brush his teeth, and eat breakfast. He can practice with you, and others, but only in moderation. It’s important that you keep a close eye on him during these times. He doesn’t have a lot of experience working with his new parts in a combat situation, so we’re not sure how effective, or ineffective, they’re going to be.” She began tapping her finger on the desk as she spoke. “Lunch and dinner, like before. You really need to make sure he eats.” At this she pointedly looked up at Genji, who started looking away as soon as she looked up. “He tends to avoid eating. It’s understandable, surely the sensation of eating without being able to taste is uncomfortable, but I’m sure dying of starvation is even more so.” Her look lingered on him, then she turned to Jesse. “If you can’t get him to eat, bring him back here and we’ll give him an IV or an injection of the nutrients he needs.” She smiled menacingly at him, causing Jesse to wonder how many times they’d had to do that in the past. Genji looked a bit nervous. Jesse’s mouth quirked into a smile. “Moving on,” she looked back at the paper. “The only other important thing is washing up. He’s not completely waterproof, so completely submerging him isn’t advised. As you can see, he’s only got so much flesh, but his sweat glands function normally. I’m sure no one wants a sweaty, brooding cyborg wandering around base, so please make sure he washes up. He may need your help reaching his back. It’s a bit awkward, but it’s important.” She looks up at Jesse imploringly. At this point, he had resigned himself to whatever he had to do, so he just shrugged it off.

“‘S fine, not like I don’t see the other men nude in the showers every day.”

“Speaking of!” Angela smiled. “Your new room has a private bathroom. It’s important to me that Genji has his privacy in this crucial time, so I gave up my room for the two of you. Not like I sleep there much anyways.” She chuckled.

“Wait, wait, surely there’s another room! I don’t wanna take yours, doc!” Jesse interrupted, looking concerned.

“Unfortunately there really isn’t. The only rooms with private bathrooms are reserved for higher-ups and medical staff, you know this. Gabriel fought with me on this one too, saying you two should just stay with the other troops, but I won’t have it.” Angela looked at him matter-of-factly, ending the argument right there. Jesse sighed.

“Alright. If you feel that strongly about it.”

“I do.” She smiled at him again, and put the paper down on her desk. “Well, that’s about it! Any questions?” She looked at the two of them expectantly.

“I’m sure I’ve got some, but not any that I can think of at the moment.” Jesse looked at Genji, who remained quiet. “I think we’re good.” He turned back to Angela with a forced smile. She reciprocated the smile.

“You two will get used to this in no time. And depending on how you behave , Genji . ” She looked pointedly to him again. “We can end this arrangement as soon as we’re sure that you’re stable. Alright?” She looked at him, waiting for a response.

“Understood.” He finally responded, still not meeting her eyes. She sighed, then looked towards Jesse.

“Well, if you can think of those questions, feel free to stop by any time. I’m always here.” She motioned to the room, her tone exhausted.

“Gotcha’. You get some rest now, Doc. You’re still pretty as a peach, but we worry about ya’. Wouldn’t want our angel to be anything but her best.” He winked and tipped his hat at her, to which she playfully rolled her eyes. “Alright, let’s go grab us a bite to eat then, Genji. I’m famished.” He began making his way for the door, with Genji at his heel.

“Genji.” She called out, making the man turn around. “Please try your best.” She looked at him imploringly, and he seemed to think about it for a moment, before nodding, and turning to follow Jesse.

“Let’s make one thing clear, cowboy.” Genji spoke up in the empty hallway, breaking the awkward silence between them and almost making Jesse jump out of his skin. Before he could respond, Genji continued. “I don’t need you to babysit me. And I don’t need you to be my friend. Let’s get this observation period over with as quickly as possible.” Jesse scoffed.

“You think I want to be on suicidal cyborg duty? Sounds like you’re the one that’s makin’ the situation what it is. Maybe if ya weren’t so broody and cooperated better they wouldn’t see fit to make me your babysitter.” He rummaged through a pocket and pulled out a cigar and lighter. He lit the cigar and put it in his mouth, when suddenly, in a flash of movement he dropped his lighter as Genji pinned him against the wall, his hand pushed against his throat, choking the life out of him. Genji caught the cigar as it dropped with his free hand, Jesse attempting to pry the other off of his throat as he gasped for air.

“You speak as though I asked for this body. Like I wanted to be what I now am.” The smaller man’s voice was dripping with malice and murderous intent. “Do not speak as if you know me, cowboy.” His grip tightened to emphasize the word, before loosening it. “And do not smoke in front of me.” He let Jesse go, and crushed the cigar to pieces in front of his face, before walking away.

“Strong arm…” Jesse rasped under his breath, rubbing his throat and looking at the would-be cigar on the ground before moving to follow Genji. “I knew he was gonna’ be trouble…”

[ecessive-dreamer]

Title.

​He sees her passing, bags of chanel in each hand, yet her head is still wrapped in a book as she walks, glancing up to the street every two minutes. He froze when he thought she saw him, walking straight toward him. Her head was still in the books, “Oh my, I’m so sorry” Luna says as she bumps with him head to head,her book landing flat on the ground.

Luna mutters,“Donovan?”

he takes a deep breath, she looks so beautiful, her skin as pale as winter snow, almond green eyes,and black luscious hair. Recounting every moment spent with her, tracing the outline of her lips, memorizing her face, and yet here she is standing in front of me and i'm still in awe of her.

“what are you doing here?” i ask her as nonchalant as possible while i pick up the bags that landed on the floor.

“Oh you know how i am on weekend sales..wow i haven't seen you in ages” she says as she eyes him, looking at his slightly crooked nose, ocean blue eyes and disheveled dirty blonde hair. Same old Donovan she thought.

“Well yeah of course how could i forget” I say as she turns away, blushing. Recounting just like him all the days they would walk hand in hand, at each and every single store and just like that the sharp pain returns, and the haunting memories come back. He destroyed her. It's been five years, but five years isn't enough. She manages to grab all her bags, as he hands her the book.

“Ah, you still read british literature huh? I guess some things don't change” I say. Her smile fades as fast as it appeared. I look at her with such intensity in my eyes

“My reason for life. Not living, but life. That was the touch. And she was his reason for life, and why he must survive” her breath catches

“ I’m sorry i have to go.”

“Luna, wait. It's from your book, atonement!” I yell as she crosses the street, away from him. He takes out the pack of cigarette that's been itching to be smoked all day. She brings that out of him, after all this time, seeing her face, smelling her scent, hearing her voice. He needed her again, and he was going to have her.

*Beep beep beep* i roll over my bed, it's 5:00a.m. i sit up “shit” as my feet hit the cold wooden floor. I forgot to turn on the heater last night. I put on my socks and roll on my hoodie as I walk to the thermostat and turn it from 50 to 70 in my small studio apartment. I walk to the kitchen and start my routine. I turn on my coffee while simultaneously brush my teeth. I hop in the shower as my coffee is getting ready. As soon as I stepped out of the shower I wipe away the fog on the mirror and look at myself. Ive lived here for years and still haven’t made any progress. Still the same apartment same job same remorse. Hell even the same coffee, as I realize the coffee is still on and rush to my kitchen. Pour a cup, black. I put my work clothes on and head out the door with my coffee.

​It gets me everytime, everytime I walk out of the front door of my building that im actually living in new York city. I cant imagine anywhere else I want to be. Way better than my town back home. Yeah sure I miss my family and what not but being on my own is what ive always wanted. I walk my 6 blocks to work thinking about yesterday; I actually saw her. Its been months of almost nothing. The only time ive seen her was in pictures and memories that would be occasionally sparked by an object that reminded me of her.

​I walked into the building of my job. I do journalism for a small time newspaper company. Same job for 7 months and still no raise. Its nothing to complain about I make enough for me to live comfortable but yet I still feel like my time is more valuable.

As I make it to the 4th floor, my floor my boss is always the first to greet me as his office is right by the elevator door. “morning don” he says, “morning murphy, hows it going this morning” I return. He replies with a big sigh, “ sales haven’t been so well so its causing us to do alittle remodling of who we have here.” “oh?’ I replied with a nervous voice hoping I wasn’t being given the talk about being let go. He laughs “don you have nothing to worry about, though im glad I keep you on your toes this early in the morning.” “I need you to show around the new intern, shes a possibility at a new columnist here and I want you to take close attention to her to see if she is going to be an asset to this company”, he asks. I reply with a uncertain tone,” I don’t know murphy I have this article ive been working on and I don’t know if I can afford the extra baggage.” He replied to me with a stern face,” it wasn’t a question” and as soon as I noticed his face I quickly replied with a smile on my face “no problem boss.” He looks back with a artificial smile on his face,” great shes in your office. Her name is tiffiany. You know like the diamond.”

I walk to my office which is completely on the opposite side of the floor. As I walk into my office I knock on the door. She turns and looks at me with a grin. The first thing I notice was he hair. Golden not like a dumb blonde kind of look but almost a los angles kind of blonde where he hair is almost as bright as the sun. she was short but not to short maybe around 5’3 which is short for my abnormally tall figure. I reach my hand out to greet her as she does the same. “hi im tiffany. Ive heard allot about you.” As my hand meets her hand I realize how soft her skin is which causes me to gently squeeze her hand. “heeee” I reply. She looks back at me with a puzzled face. I have no idea why words wouldn’t come out of my mouth.“ hi im Donovan but you can call me don. Im sorry for coming across as an idiot I have no idea why my mouth wouldn’t work.” She laughed, “its okay I have that affect on people sometimes” she said with a joking tone. I grin” wow a since of humor that’s something your gonna lose working here” she laughed. Her laugh was cute. “so im gonna be working with you?” I asked her. “yeah I guess your stuck with me but its only a month so your gonna have to bare with me.” “a month? Oh no I don’t know if im going to be able to do it” I said. Her smile went away. “oh im sorry I just was joking” I said. She started to laugh, “ wow cute and sensitive, maybe ill have to stay longer than a month.” We both looked at eachother and smiled knowing that there would be no problem working together.

After a week of work I head home on a Saturday night. On my walk home I get a call from my buddy david I haven’t spoke to him in weeks hes been busy with his schooling. “hey man whats up?” saying answering the phone. “hey you still live on the upper east side right?” he asks. “yeah” I reply “well im in town and wondering if you wanted to get some drinks or something?” he asks. “hell yeah, where at?” I ask him. “meet me a napoleons bar? Ill order you a beer” he says. “alright man see you in a few” i say as I hang up the phone.

I walk into napoleons and see dave. He raises his beer up to get my attention. I walk over and we embrace eachother in a hug. “whats going on man” he asks. “same shit just a Saturday” I reply. He laughs, I ask him the same “ whats going on man”. “well for starters im a month away from graduation” he says. “congrats man im proud of you, next round is on me” I tell him in an exciting voice.

Weve been sitting catching up for hours and have had enough beer and bar food for me to be sick for months. He asks,” hey man I know it’s a touchy subject but what ever happened with you and luna?” I look and reply with the most honest answer I could think of,” things just didn’t work out. He looks at me and says,” he man that’s too bad I know you really liked the girl but shit happens, hell look at me im not even done with college and already divorced.” I look at him and he looks at me and we both laugh, “yeah but I started working with this new girl and I don’t know I shes kind of funny” I tell him. “oh yeah? Tell me about her” he asks. I tell him ”well shes kind of an asshole but she has a sence of humor, she has nice hair and big blue eyes. Hell she can even write too.” “you like her?” he asks. “ no man I just work with her” I say. He looks at me with a face that says “really?” he says “ come on man you wouldn’t have brought her up if you didn’t ask her out man” he does have a point but im not sure maybe I just need to focus on work plus I don’t think im quite sure for anything yet. The conversation dies down after a couple more beers and we both say our farewells and part ways.

Its Monday all over again. I wake up make the coffee take a shower but something is urging me. Im actually excited to go to work. Im putting on clothes that give me confidence. I leave out of my apartment and make it to work 15 min early. I walk past murphys office saying ,”morning boss.” He replies with “good morning” but I walk past him and am almost on a mission to my office. “hey don” she says, I reply “ good morning tiff.” She looked great this morning. I don’t know what it was about her. The way she smelled the way her hair was tied up in a bun or maybe it was just the way her hair shined back at me as the new York gloomy day approached. “hey tiff?” I ask. She replys with a speedly “yes?” “ would you want to go out with me sometime?” she looks at me with a puzzled face. I realize what I just asked and I say “ im sorry im not sure what came over me. I don’t know its just a new week and” she cuts me off in the middle of my rant, “what time would you like to pick me up?” I look in shock, surpisingly I got this far. “um after work maybe we could grab a bite to eat?” I ask“ id love that” she replies.

After the work day we both leave together and I take her to this little Italian place a couple blocks from work. All I can think to myself is how well it went. How well it was kept going. After dinner I called a cab for her and payed him to take her to her house. Before she got in the cab she kissed me. Just a peck, I was caught almost by surprise. She says “ thank you I loved tonight and hope it can happen again” I replied “ me too, and id love too. Was that you asking me out?” she laughs “ yes but you cant tell anybody” she gets into the cab and we both say goodnight.

I walk into my office. Its tiffs last day, but I have a pitt in my stomach cause im not quite sure where this leaves us. Her and I have been going out more frequently and it seems to get more serious. Im not sure what to think of all of it but I guess I might just have to find out. I get out of the elevator and walk to my office. Tiff turns around and sees me, “hey hun she runs up and hugs me, you know what today is right?” of course how could I forget” I reply as I walk past her and sit on my desk. “hey? You okay?” she asks. I respond shrugging my shoulders “ yeah im alright” she sees the worry in my eyes. “is this about us?” she asks me. I look at her as she looks at me. “yes it is” she says. “talk to me” she says. I look at her “ what are we going to do? Like tiff honestly I have feelings for you and im not quite sure how were going to go with you leaving” she looks at me and smiles “ hun just because im leaving this job doesn’t mean I plan on leaving anywhere out of your life” I look back at her and smile as she looks at me. She walks over and sits on my lap and says “ lets go out tonight and celebrate, a new chapter of things”. I smile “ I have to decline I have to finish this article for tomorrows paper but ill tell you what, tomorrow night sounds excellent. Only if your free?” she looks at me and says “of course im free, sounds like a plan”.

I get off of work late, its raining. I look at the time and its almost 1am. I start my walk home. On my walk home I cant think about how much im grateful for how things are turning out in my life. I mean hey just a couple months ago I felt like I had no direction in life but now I feel like I might be moving forward. I

I walk into my apartment with my soaking coat and hang it up on the hook. I turn my heater up and start to change into my sleep wear. Right as I hit my bed I hear a knock on my door. “ who could be here this late?” I think to myself. I walk to my door peep hole and peer through all I see is a women with her hood up. I open the door and as soon as I opened it I can feel me stomach in my shoes. “luna?” I say in a muttered voice. “hi Donny” she replies. “what are you doing here?” I ask. She looks at me “I was out and just happened to stop by I figured you would still be up. The late sleeper I remember you as” She says to me. “yeah I just got off work and was getting ready to hit the sack” I tell her “ oh im sorry I was just looking for someone to talk to I can go if youd like.” She responds. “ no come in ill make some coffee” I respond. She comes in and sits down I stand in the kitchen and start to make coffee. “Nothing has changed about this place huh?” she says over the coffee being brewed. “nope not much, I barely spend time in here anymore” I tell her. She looks in a surprised look,” oh out with your girlfriend all the time?” she said in a sarcastic but serious manner. “actually yes well I mean you could call it that, and work” I told her. “oh?” she says,”hows work going?” I knew she was beating around the bush but who was I to call it out. “ works great actually ive been moving up in the chain and really enjoying my work” I told her. “enjoying work who are you? Is this even Donovan?” she says in a joking way. I laugh as I hand her the coffe,”yeah you can say I guess im moving in some kind of direction but who knows if its right or wrong.” She laughs,” and there he is Same old downer Donny I remember.” She says laughing. “how about you, whats miss luna doing with her life?” I ask. “well ive finally become a published writer and im actually on my way to getting my doctorate in british literature.” She tells me in such detail but I start to unvoluntarely ignore as I start to get lost in her brown eyes. We continue catching up throughout coffee and end up staying up all night.

My alarm for 6 am goes off and I realize that I have work. As I go to turn it off I walk back into the room and lune is standing by the sink rinsing her cup. I cant help but remember every morning waking up and seeing her standing there making our coffee in on of my oversized shirts of mine. After all this was our first place. I look at her the way I used to look at her and she turns back and looks at me. I walk to her and she walks towards me and there seems to almost be a silence in the city of new York. All I can pay attention to is her. We walk so close to eachother that I can feel her breathe on my neck. We both move in slowly and interlock lips. We kiss, for the first time in almost a year of not talking and it feels like the first time I ever layed my lips on hers. It felt like nothing else mattered. Like everything was oblivious to this moment. We move to the bedroom and without a word being said our clothes seem to disappear and both move slowly into the bed that we picked out together. Everything became nothing and nothing became everything. The way she looked at me was the way I was staring at her. A year soon collapsed into nothing. Hours felt like minutes and the day soon fell to night.

The next day I woke up and she was laying on my arm. I had this overwhelming guilt. It clouded over me. I notice my phone on the table. I pick it up and have new messages. They are from tiff,” hey haven’t heard from you all day. Hope your okay? Lemme know about dinner.” I hit my hand to my face “shit I had dinner with her last night and I missed it” I thought to myself. Im sitting on my couch and feel a hand reach over my shoulder to my chest and kiss my neck. “goodmorning” luna said. I stand up and look at her breathing heavily. “ why?” I ask her. She looks at me with a questioned face. “why does everytime I feel like things are moving in a direction that I like I take 10 steps back with you” I tell her. She looks at me “Donny I miss you” she says. “you didn’t miss me. You didn’t miss me when I saw you in the street and ran away from me. You didn’t miss me when I woke up one morning and you were gone for reasons I still don’t know. Why did you have to come back?” I yell. She looks at me with a tear rolling down her face and says “im gonna go” I immediately realize what I say and regret every word that came out of my mouth. Its too late to take it back I know who luna is and she wont forget that ever. I stand back as I watch her leave for the last time. As she walks out of the door I fall to the ground in tears realizing that the only person ive truly loved I pushed away.

Tiffinay and I are moving all of my stuff from one apartment to our next. Its been 6 months since she left and tiff still doesn’t know she exsists. As im finishing cleaning out my bedroom I notice a book laying in my drawer in my room im never seen before. Theres a sticker on it that says “for you, love luna.” I look at the book and realize there is a writing on the inside that says “our story.” I turn back and take one final look at the apartment as I close the door to that chapter of my life.

[mmazzeroo]

Chapter 15 - NED IV - That’s A Big Campfire

@helloimnotawesome - Chapter 15 updated. I’m SO sorry for the long wait. Thought I forgot about you, didn’t you ;) Well....finally there’s a new update for you as well as a new mood board :) Enjoy, my friend! <3 

EDIT: Posted this earlier with the mood board but it got flagged!!! Stupid Dumblr, so while waiting the staff to realise their mistake here’s a repost and you’ll have to go AO3 to see the mood board. Sorry about that sweetie <3

NED IV - That’s A Big Campfire

"In a heartbeat, Dr. Stark!"

"Thank you so much, Sam," the boy is still so formal, "and Sam?"

"Yes, Dr. Stark?"

"Call me Ned, please." He smiled to himself.

"Ah right, yes, of course Dr. Stark...Sorry! Ned..." He could practically hear Sam blushing over the phone.

"Good! Now, once again thank you for helping with this, Sam."

"My pleasure, Dr. S..Ned."

Again, he chuckled at Sam's overly politeness. "Won't take more of your time. See you in a couple of weeks," not waiting for Sam's answer he hung up the phone. Crossing the big field of grass behind Dragonstone castle, he walked over to his wife and Rhaella currently busy cooing over his grandchildren who were rolling around on a blanket placed on the grass in the shadow of a beautiful old tree.

"Just spoke to Sam - it's all set."

"Wonderful, honey! He's going to be so surprised!" His wife was beaming up at him.

"Hopefully only in a positive way. I don't exactly have a good track-record when it comes to surprising my eldest son." He sighed as he looked around searching for the man in question.

"Oh stop it!" Rhaella grabbed his arm and pulled him down to sit between her and Catelyn. "He'll be so excited I bet he'll go speechless. You didn't see his sad puppy face when he was on the phone with Robb that day and had to tell him no. He looked like he thought he'd be ruining his brother's big day because of it. We didn't see him again until nightfall."

"He was always an emotional boy, Ned. Considering what he's lived through it's remarkable he's still able to be this empathetic." Catelyn gently stroked him down his cheek and kissed him. "Jon has a good heart. Been put back together with countless stitches yes, but at it's core still true and pure. He'll be over the moon when he sees what you and Robb has arranged."

He couldn't help smile at his wife's wise words. My sweet gentle sons. Trying to catch up on the time they lost together. "You're of course right - both of you." He quickly smiled at both women sitting on either side of him. "Instead of worrying I'll look forward to seeing some joy on my son's face." Joy! Wouldn't that be a sight!

"That's the spirit!" Rhaella gave him a big smile and light-heartedly nudged his shoulder with her own. "Now, not that I didn't know already, but I must say Robb has made a fabulous choice for his future wife." She nodded her head slightly to the riders further down the field.

Margaery and Sansa where on each their horse accompanying little Rhaenys on her pony between them. Rhaenys was in awe of both. Earlier in the day they had been sitting in the grass braiding each other's hair, adding flowers to the braids and even making garlands that they'd been wearing like crowns. He had to admit he found it adorable how the two took the time for Rhaenys and indulged her. Arya, on the other hand had rolled her eyes, pretending to gag and walked away. Oh how he loved his two girls. So different yet so similar. Just don't tell them that! They had the same fierce spirit, though when it came to expressing said spirit they'd chosen different ends of the spectre. Arya was, for the most part, hit first ask later. Sansa, on the other hand, would take the hits yet refuse to give in. My wild wolf and quiet wolf. Interestingly, he'd noticed a change in both over the past 5-6 months that Jon had been here at Dragonstone and everyone had made sure to make frequent visits whenever schedules allowed. The only one flying in a few times a week was Viserys for his therapy sessions with Jon. Arya was gradually beginning to show signs of something he could've sworn was a foreign concept to her - patience. Who would've ever thought! And Sansa, oh Sansa! She was slowly coming out of her shell, walking and talking with a little more confidence every day, and she was biting back. When Catelyn had told him that Sansa had suggested wearing a sleeveless dress as a bridesmaid, if Margaery agreed, his eyes had overflowed with tears. His shy, broken girl wanting to proudly put her scars on display like that to the world made his heart melt with pride and fatherly love. If I ever get my hands on Joffrey or Ramsey I'll smother them with my own bare hands!! Margaery, of course, had happily and eagerly agreed, knowing what a huge step this was for Sansa.

He couldn't help wonder what it was that caused all these changes. Has Jon returning helped fill a void we each had in our hearts? Is our individual healing contributing to us heal as a family? Have we all found our 'missing piece' in our lives and souls? Or are my girls just growing and maturing at their own natural pace? No, it was all connected to Jon one way or another. By his attempts to reconnect with his siblings and family for his own healing he was helping them with theirs as well. He knew Jon didn't necessarily do this knowingly. After all, the young man was simply trying to regain what he thought he'd lost. However, when he saw anyone in need of help - in anything - he immediately jumped in to provide any assistance he could. He'd always done that even as a little boy. Jon didn't want to see anyone in pain or suffering for any reason. Once again he was taken aback by his son's willingness to help others even if it meant at the expense of his own health. He had done so for years as a member of the Night's Watch, and it became even more ironic when taking into account Jon's blood type. O negative, also known as the universal giver because all other blood types could receive it without trouble - Jon however if given any blood type other than his own would die. It was as if the Gods had forged him to endure heartbreak, pain and suffering for the sake of others, to shield others, to help and save others. What was it Jon had said a few months ago? 'The same hammer that breaks glass forges steel'. That's it! Jon is teaching Sansa that she's steel while all this time she thought of herself as glass! Except he's hitting her with buckets of love. Ha! Jon you brilliant man! He made a mental note to go properly thank the gods when he returned to Winterfell before the wedding. Gods, the wedding! For a minute there he'd completely forgotten everything about it.  

He was happy for Robb and Margaery, but at the same time he couldn't understand his little boy had grown up so fast. Oh Ned, you sentimental old fool. Every parent thinks that. He shook his head slightly. In just a few weeks his son and heir to the title of Lord of Winterfell would be marrying the granddaughter of President Olenna Tyrell. It was quite a match and the media and the public loved it! The media! Damnit! Another thing we need to try to prepare Jon for.

Just after New Year's the Starks and Targaryens had sent out a joint press release informing the public of the miraculous return of Jonathan Dayne, heir to Starfall and the son of Eddard Stark and late Ashara Dayne. The families asked to kindly give Jon and his family time and space to recover from the shock, and any press inquiries could be directed to Mr. Tyrion Lannister. Shortly after the President had made a public statement that the Starks were collaborating closely with the authorities, and that further investigations into the events of the years since Captain Dayne's kidnapping and the people involved were already under way, and how she was hoping to hear about more families being united despite all the time passed. The public had responded overwhelmingly positive and sympathy messages online and offline had poured in. Especially messages from Dorne and the city of Starfall was filled with excitement of how they'd welcome him back home with open arms. Luckily, Jon and the cinnabons, thank you for that nickname Arya, had managed to remain sheltered on Dragonstone for the past almost 6 months. Now though it was time for him to step out into the limelight and take his 'rightful' place in the media as the Lord of Starfall. Viserys had assured him that Jon was ready for the circus and that he'd be alright surrounded by family. At least he'll have Dany by his side as well.

"Speaking of future spouses," his wife interrupted his busy mind, "your daughter has made a wise choice herself, if I may say so."

"Indeed! She's had a few trial and errors, but I have a good feeling about this new man in her life." In a mirthful tone Rhaella continued, "I have on good authority that he's from a reputable family, and he's even a war hero!"

"Oh my! What a catch!" Catelyn played along with Rhaella's joking tone and comically pretended to be fanning herself. "But is he handsome? No fun in bagging a man if he's looking like an oaf!"

"Believe me my friend when I tell you he's the prettiest in all the lands!"

He couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes. Giggling like school girls!! Gods!

Catelyn wrapped her arm around his waist. "Oh c'mon, Ned, have a laugh!"

"Not as long as you call any son of mine 'pretty'!" He said feigning offence.

"But it's the truth, dear Neddy!" Really don't like it when she calls me that. "Next month at Margaery and Robb's wedding there'll be swooning left and right over all of your sons, but in particularly your eldest. Oh Cat, can you imagine how dashing he'll look in his uniform?! I might even swoon!"

All three of them laughed out loud at that image. Rhaella herself so much she had her head leaned back and holding on to him to keep from toppling over.

They all sat quiet for a bit trying to catch their breath again.

"On a serious note though, I do have a good feeling about those two. They are clearly good for each other, and in due time I expect it to naturally end in vows as well." Rhaella stretched her arms and tickled little Adei and Amador on their little chubby baby stomachs and the air was instantly filled with delighted baby giggles. "They are both mature enough to understand that this is something that needs to be done slowly. It warms my old heart to see them take their time to get to know each other and enjoy each other and not rush in like headless chickens." She turned her head a gave him and Catelyn a warm smile.

"They grow up so fast don't they?" His wife was looking at the babies with a wistful look in her eyes. "Oh by the way before I forget, Margaery and I have managed to colour coordinate Dany's maid-of-honour dress to the colours on Jon's uniform. Wasn't easy as the blue and red doesn't exactly go with the colour scheme of the wedding, but we made it work." She flashed a satisfied smile before adding, "with a little help from Sansa as well."

"And what did my daughter say to the changes?" Rhaella had an amused look on her face as if fighting to hold back a laugh.

"She doesn't know. We didn't want her to keep secrets from Jon. Not telling how the bride and her maids will be dressed is one thing, but in this case the reason why would be a big secret."

"Thank you!" He leaned in and give his wife a tender kiss on her temple. She clearly understands how sensitive Jon is about secrets. Gods I love her!

"When she questioned it, Sansa told her that all the Starks were colour matched with the bride as a way of symbolically welcoming her to the pack. Dany of course still looked a bit sceptical." She chuckled at the memory. "So Margaery simply told her it was a bride's prerogative to change her mind."

"Of course!" Rhaelle chimed in clearly amused at the story.

"So that means she'll be as surprised when she sees him as he will seeing her?" He was a little puzzled.

She chuckled. "Yes. She's just expecting him to show up in the traditional morning suit."

"Oh, we better be ready to catch two pairs of young lovers when they see each other that day then!" Once again Rhaella and his wife were giggling like school girls. Once again he caught himself rolling his eyes at them.

Catelyn cheerfully slapped him on his arm. "Don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing, Ned." Actually I wasn't. "Jon won't even notice the bride walking right behind Dany, nor will Robb notice anyone in front of Margaery!" Again he was surrounded by contagious laughing and he willingly joined in. Gods, she's right!

"I take it Arya enjoyed joining the boys for her first tailor-made suit?"

"Immensely! Although she did find the whole 'having to stand still'-part very tedious." Both women joined in his laughter.

"Well my dear, she is our wild wolf after all." There was so much love in Catelyn's eyes and voice when she said it that he had to kiss her.

Pulling back he looked in his wife's beautiful blue eyes and said, "that she is."

Rhaella cleared her throat as she with an innocent voice said, "want me to leave?"

"Oh stop it, Ella! You're just jealous." Catelyn teased back

"I am actually but that wasn't my point." Laughingly Rhaella wrapped little sleeping Adei in a blanket and stood up.

Catelyn wrapped up Amador, still looking curiously around. As she stood up she placed the little boy in his arms and she packed up the big blanket they'd been sitting on.

"Should I be concerned though," he caught the two women's curious look now, "that our little wild wolf will throw a fit because she won't fit with her new favourite brother now?"

Catelyn and Rhaella shared a look he couldn't quite decipher though there was a hit of worry there.

"Well...," his wife looped her arm with his, "what colour tie and waistcoat will she be wearing?"

"All groomsmen have grey waistcoats and colour of tie is set to match the bridesmaid. Being Arya she of course chose a gold coloured tie, and though her and Bran have switched places I don't think you'll get her to change the colour of her tie. Sorry ladies."

"Oh no, gold should fit well with the golden pieces on Jon's uniform so we should be in the clear. Thank the gods!" His wife huffed out a sigh of relief and Rhaella was just chuckling next to them.

As they were crossing over to where the boys had made camp Catelyn suddenly stopped by his side, pointed and laughed. "How much wood did you tell them to use, Ned? That's big a campfire!"

[fantastical-birb]

In 1997, Queri was losing herself and demonstrated this by losing her way in an unpredictable part of town.

It wasn’t the kind of thing Queri did. Or had done. These things were becoming blurry to her. Queri had always been a good kid; a kid who worked hard; a kid who knew what she wanted and then went after it with a plan and enough force of will to see it though.

What she had wanted was to make her parents proud.

The key word there was had because her dad had died of cancer when she had been seventeen, and her mom had died in a car crash three months ago.

Why was she in this part of town at this time of night? Because no one knew. Her parents certainly didn’t know. Queri didn’t really have any close friends, now that her mom was dead. There was something terrifying about being able to disappear—willingly or unwillingly—and having no one to know if she never came home tonight. There was something thrilling about it; freeing. But the freeing felt like she was unmoored, rather than like she was uncaged.

There was an important difference, because being unmoored was terrifying. Being uncaged sounded beautiful.

It didn’t occur to Queri that being unmoored could be beautiful, too, at this time; that floating to new waters was an opportunity and not a stripping of self.

Either way, a drunk man walking behind her was yelling and she couldn’t tell what he was saying but it scared her nonetheless, so instead of walking past the next establishment, she turned into it. She hoped desperately that it wasn’t so shady that it would be better to stay outside with the drunk man.

It wasn’t that she had no purpose, Queri thought, as she went up to the bar and ordered a white russian at the bar and breathed the scent of stale beer of the White Hart Inn into her mouth with shallow breaths. She was in pre-law at Columbian University. She was going to be a lawyer and she was going to be damn good at it. It was just that she didn’t have any motivation. Was that the same thing as having no purpose? Maybe it was. It was just a feeling of flatness in her.

The bar was indeed shady, but the drunk man passed by the door instead of coming in, still yelling incomprehensibly, and Queri had a drink in her hand now. The only other person up at the bar popped a couple pills into her mouth and Queri watched her pupils blow. It was beautiful, if you forgot what it was that caused it. One moment her eyes were light, and the next they were dark.

If Queri thought she felt lost in life, it seemed clear to her that this woman was even more so. The woman tapped the surface of the bar lightly, soft lips parted slightly, and the bartender served her a shot of Smirnoff’s without a second glance.

“Should you really be giving her that?” Queri asked the young man doubtfully, and he shrugged.

“She’s all the business we have most nights,” he said with a half shrug. “My manager wouldn’t keep me on if I didn’t serve her.”

With a sigh that had everything to do with herself and nothing to do with the manager’s unethical business choices, Queri took a sip of her drink. The bartender clearly didn’t care for her judgement, at least.

She looked at the woman more closely, first in subtle glances and then fully observing, when it was clear that she was too inebriated to notice or care. She had a strong, straight nose, a wide forehead and cheekbones, and a stubborn chin. She could have been stately if she wasn’t such a wreck; her clothes were rumpled and unwashed, as was her hair. It had clearly been tugged into a ponytail at some point, but had been there for so long that it was matted that way. She was a mess, but some voice in the back of her mind still whispered pretty. Queri hushed it without a second thought.

“How long has she been coming here?”

“Why? You a dyke or something?”

When Queri answered this only with a look that told the bartender that she was too classy to rise to that, and the man shrugged. “I don’t know. A couple of weeks? She’s been keeping a room, too.”

“And she’s been like this the entire time?” Queri asked, sucking an ice cube into her mouth to let melt. She wrinkled her nose at how much chlorine was in the water.

“Yeah, pretty much. Her hair used to be lighter, maybe?”

Queri humphed quietly to herself, and went back to brooding. She looked down into her now empty drink. This woman was not her problem. Queri had her own problems. She had her school work. She had her mom’s stuff. She had her lack of motivation.

She snuck another look at the woman. What was her purpose, going into law, if it wasn’t to help people? To be successful, said the ambitious voice inside of her. To be knowledgeable. To make her parents proud.

Unsatisfied, Queri gestured for the bartender to give her another drink. He gave her a resentful look, clearly not happy to now have two nonverbal customers.

This woman needed help, and whether or not she was ready to admit it to herself, Queri needed help too.

Queri left, but she started making a habit of checking back on the woman. She was there every time, looking a by turns grimier or more lucid, but for the most part looking as if she hadn’t moved from her seat at all. Once, eyes locked onto Queri when she walked in, and followed her unabashedly when she went to the bar.

“What?” Queri had snapped, when the woman continued to stare at her.

“Your freckles,” she mumbled. “They’re… pretty.”

“Oh,” Queri said, surprised when she blushed. “Thanks.”

She sat down forcefully at the bar on the same stool as last time. She got one drink, and then another, sneaking looks at the woman. Their eyes locked, and Queri thought this might be more lucid than she had ever seen the woman before. She spoke, at least.

“What’s your name?” Queri tried, not daring to look away, as if eye contact alone could propel speech out of the woman.

Mimi blinked, eyes clouding in pain. Why that question would hurt her was beyond Queri, but she still said, “Mimi.”

“Mimi. Nice to meet you,” Queri said. “I’m Queri.”

It was moments such as these that she saw such a myriad of things in Mimi’s expression that she couldn’t help but become somewhat fond of her. She never spoke of what had driven her to this place, but there was enough on the surface to see her complexity, and there is something deeply lovely and human about someone complex and messy. Someone’s darkness made them complete. No one—no one real, at least—was made of light. Queri found herself feeling resentful that she didn’t have her own darkness, just this frustrating greyness. At least, that’s how it seemed to her. She still went to school. She wasn’t a mess on a barstool.

Queri wouldn’t romanticize the state that Mimi was in. It was just that sometimes, like when she had learned her name, when Mimi’s pupils were ordinary and her movements precise, Queri saw such unfathomable pain in her that it took her breath away. She wasn’t used to feeling other’s emotions, but this she could feel resonate within her. She saw her mother’s tears; she saw her mother’s casket. She saw IV tubes and a heart monitor and a pantsuit she had bought to wear to court but wore to funerals, too, because that’s what you did on a budget. It felt like how she felt when she leaned against the kitchen counter at three am filled with such nauseating emptiness that she wanted to—she wanted to—

She wanted to have something. It was such a vague want. Instead she just continued staring at her shitty, ugly green linoleum tiles. She was spiraling. But it was such a slow spiral that she usually was able to convince herself that she wasn’t.

One night, Mimi got into a fight with some fucker who tried to pin Queri against the bar and kiss her.

Although it was quick and dirty, Queri garnered two things from the experience, which was more than she’d managed to get in all the times she’d been there before. One was that Mimi clearly had training; you could see it in the sure path of her blows, even while she was high as a kite. The second was that she clearly had something in her heart that made her call on it for Queri—an individual Mimi knew nothing about but her name and the fact that her freckles were fading as she slowly stopped going out in the sun.

And so when everything had settled down, and the bartender mentioned in a tone that was too offhand to be honest in its lack of interest that Mimi’s payment wouldn’t go through, and they’d have to turn her out that night, she brought Mimi into her home and her life.

Whatever darkness she had with her could come, too.

(She wasn’t expecting it to come in the shape of demons, but once they were inside she found they fit quite well anyways.)

[meridele473]

I have a confession

I dont post. Ever. The reason behind that is because I’m scared. I’m one of those users that just reblog and likes whatever comes up on my feed. I’ve always wanted to be one those users that makes a great post and it eventually goes viral. But I’ve come to accept that may never happen. I’m scared that if post something someone will get made, be offended, or just be plain mean. So I don’t. But a few weeks ago a good friend of mine posted a long message about her fears. And after whats happened tonight I need to relieve mine. 

So first things first Im 21 years old, mexican american, and a woman. I live in a college town where I’m studying to be a historian. Today was a good day. A really good day. First my teacher extends the due date for our big final project, then another teacher cancels class all next week, and finally another teacher gives us a really easy final essay to write instead of taking a test. I get home and my roommates have made cookies. I’m tired so I take a nap. Later after I’ve woken up I realize I don’t have much food wise so I decide to go get some dinner. Things are fine, Ive got my Spotify playlist on and I’m driving home. I’m scared of driving.

Driving has always been a fear of mine. Whats totally normal to you is terrifying to me. I first started driving at 18. I couldn't learn at 16 like most do because I was so busy with my college prep high school. I had been putting it off because I’m paranoid. I’m scared I’m gonna get in an accident. I’m scared I’m gonna kill someone. Anything can happen on the road. My parents forced me to learn because it was my freshman year of college and they didn’t have the time to ferry me back and forth between classes. I went to driving school. Every time I got behind that wheel my arms would tense, my back would tense, sweat would pore from my brow, and I’d feel like crying. Eventually I took my drivers test which I failed. It tore away at my self confidence. I put it off again for almost a year. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. If I wanted to go out then I need a ride. All my friends could drive. They didn’t have a problem with it. They were very supportive and understanding of me but I secretly envied them. They didn’t feel the fear that I did. And if they did then they did a much better job at hiding it. I remember finding a quote on pinterest. I don't remember exactly what it said but I do remember it was along the lines of if you want something go get it. I want to be free, I want to go where i want when i want. So I buckled down and passed my drivers test. Time passes and I eventually get more comfortable behind the wheel. Sure i have a few flops along the way but nothing earth shattering. It gets to a point where I’m not scared anymore. Then tonight happens. 

As I’m driving home not a care in the world. I come to a four way stop just before I reach my apartment. Apparently I didn’t stop all the way and a cop saw me. He pulls me over. I completely forgot the procedure for when you get pulled over so I just pull over to the side of the road, turn my music off, roll down my window, and get my license out. The cop comes over. His flashlight is blinding. He asks for my license and insurance registration. He's an older guy. I give him my license but I don’t have a paper copy of my insurance only a pdf on my phone. I ask the cop if the pdf will do. He says yes. I pull it up but as it turns out its an older copy that is expired. So I find the new copy. I had my car checked a few weeks ago so the registration sticker is brand new on my windshield. He tells me that the insurance papers are for my moms car not mine. It doesn’t have my make and model on it. I can feel my hands shaking. The boulder in my chest is getting heavier. I try my hardest not to cry. I don't have any drugs, alcohol, weapons, or any other illegal substances in my car but I’m still scared. I see news footage of people of color getting killed by cops all the time. Will this be me? I think of that part in humiliation just before he dies (spoiler alert hamilton dies at the end). What will happen to me? What will happen to my family? I’m so scared I just want to curl up into a ball and hide. And he tells me that the address on my license is my home address from my hometown not my dorm address. Yes I’ve been living here for over a year but it never occurred to me to have it changed. It’s not like I’m gonna stay in this town forever. Then he tells me he could give me 4 tickets that would accrue 1,200$ total. The cop asks me if I’m going to school. I say yes. The cop asks for my major. I’m so confused. So I tell him history with teaching certification. He says “you need to be alive in order to make history.” Will a verbal warning do? My shoulders slump. I’m so relieved. Yes sir it will. Then in true dad fashion he taps me head with my license and tells me to have a good night. 

I could cry right now. But I can't. I have to get home. I drive home, park, go up the elevator, walk down the hall, and open the door to my apartment. One of my roommates is in the kitchen. She asks me if I’m alright. I joke around about being pulled dover because I don’t want her to worry. She’s a nursing major, she’s got more important things to worry about. I go to my room, lock the door, go to my bathroom, lock that door and proceed to have an anxiety attack. The boulder in my chest is not a boulder but a crow. A crow that is clawing to get out and screech as loud as it can. I’m fine I tell myself. I’m fine. I’m alive. I didn’t hurt anyone. He didn’t hurt me. I don't have to pay 1,200$. I don’t have to do anything. This is bound to happen to all drivers at some point. I don't know how long the attack lasts but I hear my roommates congregate in the living room. I go outside and tell them what happened. They reassure me that this is normal and that my feelings are normal. I am not alone. They’ve been pulled over too. We laugh and joke for hours. We need this. We’ve all been stressed. Fast forward to my room. I’m debating on whether or not I should tell my parents. My dad will be mad. He’ll get angry. He’ll yell. I don’t know what to do. The crow is coming back. Before I know what I’m doing I type out a text to my mom. She’ll understand. She always does. So does my dad. He’s not the scary monster in my head. He’s not. I’m just scared. I send the text. I know she’ll read it in the morning. Both of them have had to calm me down during anxiety attacks before and they've always understood. Hell my dad gets anxiety attacks too. Everything will be fine I tell myself. But . . .

My rent is due tomorrow. I need to get a money order. I need to get groceries. I need to get gas. I need to drive. But I don’t know if I can. My hands are still shaking. All my hard work. 3 years of hard work, all gone in one night. I don’t know what to do. I’m still scared. I need to pay rent. I need food. I need gas. I need to drive. I need this. I need to be free. i can’t be trapped again. I can’t. For the first time in forever I’m letting my walls down. Not completely. I doubt my walls will ever be completely down. I’ve let in so much love and acceptance but I’ve also let in fear. I’ve ben more vulnerable these past few months than I’ve been in a long time. I’m enjoying my life. i don’t want to be sad again. Not again. I’m going to get my money order. My rent needs to get paid. I’m going to get my groceries. I need to eat. I need to get gas. Gas is the only way I can get around. I’m not a coward. I’m not. Not anymore. And I won’t be again. 

 @sebastianshoe

[waywardnerd67]

The Family Business School: Chap. 1 - Acceptance Letter

Summary: (Y/N) receives a letter that she has been accepted to The Family Business School. Meeting a few of the staff before school starts she gets a taste of how her days may be there as her past is brought up. Characters: Dean Winchester, Bobby Singer, Charlie Bradbury, Garth Fitzgerald IV, Reader Pairing: No pairing Warnings: Fluff/Slight Angst Word Count: 2361 A/N: I hope you all enjoy the letter and supply list pictures in this chapter. I designed them myself and think I did an okay job. As always this is unbeta so all mistakes are mine. Likes, comments and reblogs are splendid and I will love you doubly for them! Enjoy!

(Y/N) stared at her computer screen not believing she was accepted the exclusive school for hunters. She had applied on a whim thinking there was no way they would accept her. Everyone, who wanted to be a hunter knew her story and now she lived alone in a cabin for away from society. If she happened to hear of a case nearby she would anonymously submit a post on the Hunter Forum a social media page for Hunters. (Y/N) reread her letter and supply list one more time making sure it was really meant for her.

She immediately replied back to the school’s general email confirming she would be there on October 11th. Most of the items she already had on the Supply List but a few clothing items she would need to get before going Lebanon, Kansas. She had read all kinds of stories about the Men of Letter’s Bunker that Professors Sam and Dean Winchester inherited from their grandfather being a part of the organization. She could just imagine what it will be like to live there for a few months while training to become a hunter. She closed her laptop and looked over to the picture of on her bookcase. The only picture she had of her parents was taken a little over a year ago. Now they were both dead and (Y/N) was alone.

“I promise, I will make you proud. I will not follow in the footsteps of my father.” She whispered getting up and heading into her bed room for the night.

The next several of months she worked as much as she could to put in her savings for when she would leave for Kansas. She was taking an extended leave of absence from her book editing job in order to go to school. She was assured that her position would still be there once she came back. A few days before she was set to leave, someone came knocking on her door. (Y/N) grabbed her shotgun and cautiously looked through the peep hole seeing a scrawny man standing on her porch.

“What do you want?” She called out through the door.

The man chuckled, “Bobby said you might be a little jumpy. I’m Garth Fitzgerald IV and Bobby Singer sent me to help you get whatever you may need for school.”

(Y/N) opened her door peeking around it as he smiled and waved at her. “Hi there, I promise I’m not here to hurt you. You can put the shotgun away.”

She opened the door wide enough for him to come in and set her gun back in its place by the door. “Why did the Head Hunter send someone to escort me to school?” She asked.

“Well, probably given your history there will be a little drama on your first day. As much as he comes off as a mean old grump he truly cares about every student coming and leaving the school.” Garth flopped onto her couch.

“Professor, would you like something to drink?” She asked as she walked into her small kitchen.

She heard him chuckle, “Some water would be great, thank you. By the way, I’m not a Professor at the school. I’m the Curator for the building and surrounding area. I also help out Bobby whenever he needs me.”

She handed him a bottle of water and sat down in her oversized chair, “Oh. Okay then.” She wanted to ask more about the school, the professors and the classes. She thought it was best she kept her mouth shut and found out for herself in a few days.

“Are there any items you still need to get?” he asked as his phone started buzzing, “Sorry, give me just one second.”

He got up walking to the other side of her cabin answering his phone, “Hey Dean. What’s going on?”

The mention of Dean Winchester’s name made her heart race. Anyone who knew about the supernatural knew Sam and Dean Winchester. They were legendary hunters having saved the world time and time again. Like a lot of female hunters, (Y/N) found Dean incredibly attractive. He was known for being a love ‘em and leave ‘em but any woman who had been with him said the one night was worth it. Garth’s raspy voice brought her out of her thoughts.

“Yes, I’m at (Y/N)’s now.” He paused for a moment listening. “Okay. Will do Dean.” He hung up the phone turning around to face her. “You should go ahead and pack so we can hit the road.”

(Y/N) got up nodding silently as she went into her room and grabbed the bags she had packed weeks ago. Garth laughed as he opened the door and took one her bags from her.

Shopping with Garth was a lot of fun. (Y/N) had almost forgot what it was like to hang out with a friend. She picked out a couple of pant suits and a comfortable pair of knee high boots. Then Garth took her to an army supply shop for a few of the other clothing items she needed. Their last stop was to a bookstore so she could pick up ‘The Big Book of Urban Legends’ and a journal. Garth had a handful of comics when he found her looking through the journals.

“Can’t decide?” he asked as he flipped open one of his comics.

(Y/N) shook her head looking at all of them. Some were snap closures, no closures, leather, hardback, but none of them stood out to her. Then she saw it. Olive green softbound leather and tie closure called her. She picked it up running her fingers over it and knowing that journal was meant to be hers.

Garth clicked his tongue, “I would get a brown or black one. That way it never draws attention if someone should see it who’s not supposed to.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right, but I never completely play by the rules. This journal is meant to be mine.” She said smiling up at him.

He laughed clapping a hand down on her back, “I like your spunk. Though you know Dean will give you all kinds of trouble for that bright green journal.”

She shrugged, “Let him, I’ve been given trouble by far worse people.” Garth nodded as he grabbed the journal and book out of her hands.

“This is on me. A welcome to our school present.” He said as they walked up to the counter to pay.

Once on the road, Garth started blaring ridiculous 80’s R&B and rap music singing to the top of his lungs. She slipped her earbuds in and her favorite playlist soothed her onslaught of nerves flipping her insides around. The next thing she knew Garth was shaking her awake.

“(Y/N), welcome to The Family Business School of Saving People and Hunting Things.” He said proudly as he pulled into an underground garage.

As he parked his car she immediately saw the famous 1967 Chevy Impala. Her mouth slacked opened slightly seeing just how beautiful it was in person. Garth helped carry her bags through corridors that lead into a large library. “Ho-ly crap.” She whispered.

Garth chuckled, “I know it’s pretty amazing in here. Now you wait here while I go see what room Charlie has assigned you.” He walked off down another corridor.

(Y/N) started looking at the books in the library seeing some titles she had never heard before. She was so focused on the books in front of her that she did not hear the footsteps approaching her. She felt the end of a gun pressed against her back and her head shot up.

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” said a deep husky voice.

Her first instinct was to disarm him like she had seen online but opted for talking. “I’m a new student here. My name is (Y/N) and Garth just brought me here.”

She felt the gun lower off her back and she turned around slowly. Looking up she was met with the incredibly olive eyes of Dean Winchester who was pursing his lips together in disapproval. Garth and a bouncy red-head with a funny t-shirt on coming running up.

“Whoa, Dean! She’s a student.” Garth called out as Dean turned his attention to him.

“What is she doing here early? She almost got herself shot.” He said placing his gun at the small of his back.

“Dean, I told Garth to go get her. Now, could you refrain from shooting her until this new class of cadets starts.” They all turned to see Bobby Singer standing there.

Dean sighed, “Sorry Bobby, but she was just standing there alone. I thought someone had broken in.”

“That’s my fault since Garth had to come get me. Also,” Charlies stopped and hit Dean in the shoulder, “how dare you doubt my security system.”

Dean rubbed his arm as Bobby approached (Y/N), “I’m Bobby Singer and I’m in charge of all these idjits. It is nice to finally meet you, (Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

She shook his hand as Dean’s head snapped up, “Wait, you’re...” she nodded as he looked up to Bobby with a confused look. “I thought we decided not –”

Bobby held up his hand to Dean, “We can discuss this later. For now, Charlie please show (Y/N) to her room so she can get settled in. You will have a roommate once the other cadets arrive. Welcome to our school.” Bobby smiled warmly at her and then motioned for Dean to follow him.

Charlie hooked her arm with (Y/N)’s smiling brightly, “Well come on, let me give you the tour.” She said.

Garth and Charlie both showed her around the Men of Letters Bunker. She made notes in her small notebook of where the kitchen, bathroom/shower rooms and the stairs leading to the garage. Just down the hall from the kitchen Charlie opened door 24 and revealed a bedroom with two twin size beds, two desks and two small dressers.

“Here is your room. Take your time settling in and one of us will come get you when dinner is ready. No matter what grumpy Dean says please feel free to roam around. Do you have your laptop or tablet?” Charlie asked as Garth set her bags down on one of the beds.

(Y/N) nodded handing her both, “Oh, nice choices. I love my Surface Pro. I’m just going to put some software on these and get them back to you asap.” Charlie turned to leave and immediately turned back around. “Oh, and here, this is your new cellphone. See you later.”

(Y/N) setup her new iPhone and downloaded a few apps to get started with. She turned on her Spotify playlist and began unpacking her things. She was almost done, when she heard voices just down the hall from her room.

“Bobby, how do we know she won’t go evil on us?” she heard Dean said his voice full of concern.

Bobby grunted, “For the last time Dean, I decided to take a chance on her. Jack has turned out to be one of the best hunters we have. I think (Y/N) will follow in his footsteps.”

Dean sighed heavily, “Jack had Kelly and Castiel to guide him before he was born. Then he had Sam and eventually me after a while. Has this check had any support what-so-ever? No, she hasn’t. What she has is a murky past with Lucifer. Which brings up another point, don’t you think she is going to have trouble being around the guy who killed her father?”

(Y/N) had heard enough and walked out into the hallway, “If I did have a problem with you then you wouldn’t have kept that pretty gun of yours when you had it against my back. You know nothing about me or my life after Lucifer. All you know is some hunters’ tales that have been blown out of proportion over the years driving me into seclusion. Before you judge and make assumptions about me why don’t get check your facts! I hear your brother Sam is the best Lore and Research teacher in the country why don’t you sit in on his class and take a few pointers.”

Bobby was smiling from ear to ear as Dean looked at her dumbfounded. She turned to go back into her room and as she was shutting her door she heard Bobby said to Dean, “I like her. I think she will fit in here just fine.”

(Y/N) spent the next couple of days avoiding Dean at all possible cost and staying in her room. Garth and Charlie would stop by to check in on her. Charlie would come by to binge watch superhero shows with her and Garth had brought her a few lore books from his personal collection for her to read. She found out that Sam Winchester no longer lived in the Bunker but just a few miles away with his wife, Eileen, who was a bit legendary herself as a hunter. She had hoped to meet him before him before school since she admired him a lot. Lore and research was (Y/N)’s niche and the whole reason she wanted to come to The Family Business School was to learn everything she could in order to write lore books to help Hunters all over the country.

The morning the other students were arriving Charlie had come to get her so she could be outside when they all arrived. Her stomach tightened at the thought of being around so many people. She kept reminding herself that this was her chance to show people she was not her father. She was nothing like Lucifer. Garth pulled up in to the front entrance of the Bunker in a small bus with ten people on it. (Y/N) watched as the all filed out of the bus and stood in front of all the experienced hunters who would be teaching them.

Dean stepped forward to speak, but before he could a man slightly older than (Y/N) pointed to her, “What the hell is the daughter of the devil doing here?”

So, originally I was going to make this into a one shot but as I was writing this first part I realized there is just too much greatness for a one shot. I decided to make it a four part series. I hope you all enjoyed the first part :)

My Nerd Herd: @waywardbaby @waywardrose13 @carryonmywaywardcaptain @anotherwaywardsister @ladywinchester1967 @dwgrl1903 @akshi8278 @ericaprice2008 @mirandaaustin93 @spnbaby-67 @time-travel-bouqet @1967-essentialghoul @weirdoblogger69 @dean-winchesters-bacon @jensenyourdeanisshowing @destielhoneybee @-lovepeacenhope- @destiel745 @carribear31