#ive been so absent lately and i hate it i feel so bad

[faepunkprince]

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[cityofmeliora]

Cardi wishes he could've had a real father-son relationship with Nihil 😢

despite the obvious bullying / disrespect / hostility between them, Cardi accepts Nihil as his father much more easily than he accepts Sister Imperator as his mother.

after Cardi found out they're related, he actually started to acknowledge Nihil as his father. at concerts, he's referred to Nihil as "my dad", "my daddy", "my daddy-o", "my papa", "pops", "my old man", "my father", and "my old pop" dozens of times. but he's never once referred to Sister Imperator as his mother in any way. did you notice that? because i think about this a lot.

Cardi is bitter about Nihil having been an absent father.

PAPA EMERITUS IV: You know… my dad… not much of a dad. Bristow, Virginia, USA (August 24, 2023)

PAPA EMERITUS IV: That’s my old man. Or was. Pretty sucky father, but he still can blow. Syracuse, New York, USA (August 18, 2023)

but i don't think Cardi's bitterness about Nihil being an absent father is anger or hatred towards Nihil for failing to be a parent... i think it's a lamentation of the fact that they never even got a chance because they didn't find out they were father and son until Cardi was 51 years old and Nihil was already dead.

every time Cardi said Nihil was a bad father / an absent father, he always ended up saying "it's okay." or "he's okay." Cardi wants things to be okay. at the show in Sydney, in particular, Cardi genuinely sounds so sad and disappointed about their situation.

PAPA EMERITUS IV: My old dad. He wasn’t much of a father –he kind of sucked at that– but he sure as shit blows really good. Yeah, no, he– he’s fine, he’s fine, except for being dead. Auburn, Washington, USA (August 4, 2023)

PAPA EMERITUS IV: My old man… First, he was just a fart that I met. And then I got to know that he was my dad. Yeah. He's– he was okay. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA (August 12, 2023)

PAPA EMERITUS IV: You see– I’m your Papa, but that’s my papa. He’s an okay papa. Or he was. He’s dead now, but we sort of drag him out for the good shows. Buenos Aires, Argentina (September 24, 2023)

PAPA EMERITUS IV: That’s my old man. Well… He never was much of a papa to me, but… it’s okay. Sydney, Australia (October 3, 2023)

i think Cardi, deep down, wants to forgive Nihil. he wishes they could've had a real father-son relationship. Cardi still longs for the parent he always wanted and needed but never had.

Cardi frequently talked about how Nihil used to be a singer / entertainer like Cardi is now, and Cardi said he thinks he must have gotten his talent from Nihil. as someone so proud of his own accomplishments, someone who's been shown multiple times to believe he's better than all the other Papas before him, it's strange for Cardi to say he got his talent from someone else. Cardi never said these kinds of things before he found out Nihil was his father, never even acknowledging the fact that he was allowed to become the frontman of Ghost because of Nihil's blessing. but he's saying these things now because he clearly wants to feel a connection to Nihil– to his father, even though he doesn't like to admit it.

PAPA EMERITUS IV: He was, once upon a time, a singer like I am. And he did a few tunes. I don’t know if you’ve heard them. They’re okay– they’re okay. Bristow, Virginia, USA (August 24, 2023)

PAPA EMERITUS IV: But you know, he used to sing, like I do! And he was an okay singer, actually. I must have got it from somewhere, I guess. Athens, Greece (June 25, 2023)

PAPA EMERITUS IV: You know, back in the day, he used to be a singer. I hate to say it, but I think I got it from him. Yeah. He was an okay singer. Auburn, Washington, USA (August 4, 2023)

PAPA EMERITUS IV: That was my– my old papa. He’s okay. He’s not that good. And I guess the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree… So he’s okay. Mexico City, Mexico (September 18, 2023)

Nihil and Cardi never got along, but there was still hope that it wasn't too late for their relationship to develop. in RITE HERE RITE NOW, as Cardi struggled with confusion about his life and feelings of anxiety over his time as Papa ending, Nihil offered Cardi some "entertainer advice".

PAPA NIHIL: Son– You seem to think of your life as a zero-sum game. As if you living in a house means that nobody has ever lived in the same house before you. That nobody will ever live there after you. That even before there was a house there, nobody walked that ground it now stands upon. It's not pleasant to think about that, I know. You have to be more here. Right here. Right now. I have also lived a long life that I was precious about. Life is not always how you scripted it. I am almost 80 years old, and I'm dead. But I still am part of it. Making the people rock. Look, I always wanted to entertain people… and be a part of the night, be a part of the world of magic and wonder– showbiz. And I am. Even now that I am dead, I can still entertain those people for a brief moment every night. And that is meaningful. Do you think that is how I wanted it to pan out? PAPA EMERITUS IV: Thank you, dad. RITE HERE RITE NOW

while i think Nihil's advice is kinda terrible considering the context that Cardi was legitimately afraid his parents were going to murder him and put his body on display for his successor's fans (which was not an irrational fear, because they literally actually did do that to his older brothers), i do think Nihil was genuinely speaking from his heart, and it got through to Cardi. that was the first time they had ever addressed each other directly as "dad" / "son".

so it seemed like they were starting to make real progress in their relationship. unfortunately, they're right back to bullying / disrespecting / being hostile to each other in the post-credits scene, so who knows how much that moments of sincerity and vulnerability actually affected them. 🙄

but yeah. ugh. it fucking kills me the way Cardi so clearly wants to forgive Nihil and wishes he could've had a real father-son relationship with him. they cannot fucking stand each other. but i think they could have loved each other. in a better life.

[stormblessed95]

I'm Stepping Away For A While...

Over the past week, and then some, I have been called a multitude of names in an effort to make fun of me and rude names including wh*re, p**sy, bitch, a liar, a fake, etc. I've been told I'm a fake/bad ARMY, a fake jikooker, etc. Ive had people call my friends deragatory names and misgender them. And I've also had someone in my DMs try to gaslight me into believing that this was not harassment or Bullying, but that I should apologize to my followers for threatening to block people and that people were just expressing strongly worded commentary over how my actions hurt them. And that I needed to take responsibility for creating the drama at all. And none of that is okay, and honestly it's been a lot. And the way people just brushed over the name calling and harassment regardless of if they disagreed with me or liked me, that was a lot too.

Blocking people to curate my space is not harassment or bullying or disrespectful. Its simply protecting myself and trying to curate a safe space for me personally. Nor have I ever started a hate campaign to try and drive another blogger off the platform. And if a post of mine encouraged people to send messages or hurtful asks to someone else, and I KNEW about it, I would've said something and asked them to stop. Sharing an opinion or disagreeing with someone is not me sending anyone hate. Nor would I ever want that for anyone regardless of any disagreements we had over whatever topic.

I've lost quite a few followers over the past week, people believing things that are being said and that's fine, i was never here for the numbers anyway. Id rather you unfollow or block me peacefully if you dont like me or my posts. Some of the people engaging with this hate against me were honestly surprising. But it is what it is. But I don't feel safe in this space anymore. I honestly haven't for a while. Blogging isn't as fun anymore. I don't want to post while it feels like a chore. And that's not because of anyone or anything in particular. I opened this blog because it brought me joy and it was fun. And it's really sad that something that brought me happiness is no longer doing that for me. It's not just all this drama either. It's probably been awhile coming, making my timeline posts for longer posts felt more like something I had to do for you all instead of something I wanted to do for me. And that's not what I want for this space.

So I'll be stepping away for awhile. When or if I come back will depend on if I can get that joy back for doing this and I feel like this can be a fun corner of the internet for all of us together again. And also for if I feel like I can do this without it being so mentally draining and just not good for my mental health like it has been lately.

I'll leave my blog here and my masterlist because I know that a lot of people enjoy the archive of some past content I have cataloged there. I don't want to take that away from anyone for that reason alone since I want people to be able to access that content if they can't otherwise find it. I also want the option to be able to come back to this blog again at some point. So I don't want to delete it or say I'm stepping away permanently, nor do I want people wondering what happened to me or anything. I just need a break. I do apologize for all the post series I have started that are remaining unfinished now for a little while.

If you want to unfollow me knowing that I'll be absent from here for awhile or for any other reason, that's totally fine. Honest. No hard feelings. I wish you well and hope everyone will continue to do well and enjoy the next few months of music, content and love from the members. Maybe I'll try to be back in time for JJK1 whenever that happens.

Again, this is just something I need. I'm okay, I'm not hurt or upset. I just need a break. I appreciate you all understanding. I'll still be in this fandom and be ARMY for life. I'll still be around for the next day or so. Thank you for understanding. I do love you guys and hope to back as soon as I'm able to.

[chivjrennugts]

ive been waiting to write again until i felt something come to me. i didnt wanna force it. but i guess its here now.

i often wondered why i have such a need, desperation even of love from an outside source. I have a house over my head right? i have food to eat, clothes to wear, i get gifts for my birthday, i get gifts for christmas. in theory, i have it all. besides the childhood trauma my parents like to deny they inflicted on me, im not here to talk about that.

my issue here is that, i never really feel heard. you never listen to me. you hear me, but you dont listen. i've felt like this my whole entire life, i wonder why am i always so quiet and introverted even THOUGH i loveee love love talking to new people, meeting new people, and sharing the things i have on my mind.

Its cause i feel like no matter what i say no one is listening to me. i even feel this sometimes with my own friends if im being honest. and honestly if i could sum up love my biggest things would be

your ability to listen to someone, understand them, and reflect what you learned throughout the relationship. This alone is so special and an ability most people dont even care to have. But to truly love someone you have to know them. and not just know their first name and last name, or what color their eyes is.

knowing someone is much deeper than that. knowing someone is taking the small details they reveal about themselves, trying to understand it, and using what you learned to show your love.

i'd give an example but, i just know the times im shocked the most, the times that honestly make a girl like me wanna cry, is when i told someone something a while ago, and they bring it up.

its the most shocking thing to me because i feel like people forget what i say all the time. im always like "whatt??!!!! you remembered that omg" like it honestly baffles me.

and honestly a lack of being listened to or understood in my household probably took/ is taking a big chunk of my self esteem away. because its so much more than not being heard.

it makes you feel unimportant, less than. it makes you feel like no matter what you do your best option is to just make yourself as small as possible because no matter what no one will ever see you. they will never listen to you so you might as well box yourself away and pretend that you have nothing in your brain, that is in fact thinking 100 million thoughts per hour.

when i write these things, it helps me to understand myself a lot more and why i am the way i am, and i know, im truly guilty of this. I've been a bad listener, ive been absent minded in love. i have. and i known its something i should fix if i recognize that.

also, another thing that ive been thinking about lately is how at this point we're just too old to know the root of some of our issues and not be able to at least TRY to fix it.

being like "im bwad a cwomunication cause my mwommy and dwaddy nevew heafily communicated🥺" its like, i dont feel bad for you anymore because if you know youre not just CURSED with being bad communicator, and its just trauma blocking it, its childish to even let that hold you back.

i hate when my friends do this because now its like you're doing the shit on purpose especially if im your friend and you're gonna be like thart with me i feel like we're wayyy beyond that point and now ur annoying.

[hollandroos]

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[bunnykass]

INARIZAKI AS FEELING IVE HAD WITH GUYS IN HIGH SCHOOL

this was supposed to be funny but became very reflective and sorta emotional for me. therapeutic tho😌

TW: mentions of underage n*des, cursing, grammar and spell errors

KITA - the senior in my law class freshman year.

He was country, would wear cowboy boots to class and levi’s (i live in texas). He was a eagle scout. very sweet boy. always brought coffee in those cups to class,and he drove a range rover. i’d share sunflower seeds with him all the time and id make fun of him cause instead of breaking the shell and eating the inside, he’d just eat the shit whole. but like i said he was 18 and I was 14. more of crush we never really did anything, one time though he did argue with me on snapchat about immigration and the annexation of hawaii. He had a brother who was a freshman, and in the beginning of the second seamstress I would flirt with him but again me and never did anything.

OMINI - my freshman english teacher

(tw mentions of sexual assault, grooming, teacher-student relationship)

LMAOO. i had just gotten really into lolita (gross🤮) and so I would literally talk to older guys on the internet (one time i met up with marine even though I was like 15) ANYWAY, so when I started his class i was like damn we about to have a ezra and aria shit. he was super nice to “pretty girls” and “pretty boys” what I mean by that if you weren’t the beauty standard, he was kinda a dick to you. one time he pissed me off though cause he lost a assignment, made me re-do it but only gave me a 70, and i lost interest in him after that. he also accused me of defamation of character because i found his mugshot and was showing everyone.btw he was accused of SEXUAL ASSUALT??? but apparently the mugshot was fake or wasn’t him i don’t remember. he never counted me late or absent tho

ARAN - my best friend

been friends with this kid sense 8th grade. He was in love with this girl though that was leading him on all though out middle school but i really had a crush on him by the time high school started he had gotten over her. when we were freshmen’s he told the whole football team I was a whore cause i wouldn’t send him nudes (i know this sounds bad but i promise it wasn’t plus this was 3-4 years ago) so we didn’t talk to each other till summer going into sophomore year. me and him are still friends and we literally hang out almost every weekend, i love him and he’s loves me. he’s very thing i’d want in a boyfriend but because we’ve been friends for so long doing intimate things with each other like sex seems weird. While we both wish we could be in a relationship we both realstically know it wouldn’t work :(. <3

GINJIMA - my freshmen boyfriend

had fallen in love with me when like school started but like my best friend aran said, i was whoreing’ (not really tho cause i’m still a virgin) so when he asked me to homecoming I was like no. but eventually through out the school year me and him got closer we had like 3 classes together, 2 of them were back to back so we were jus cute like that. my first legit relationship, he was nerdy as hell and the biggest fucking dork. my freshmen year I was what the yt would call a hot cheeto girl and i weighed a lot more back then and he was 6’2-skinny white boy so we fucking looked like glora and melman from madagascar. were like discord moderator and daddy’s kitten shit. he was funny but he was really mean to me and because i was very insecure at the time i lacked setting boundary’s so i’d just take it. he also bought me a roku which i still have today, he was always buying me shit, and i taught him how to take dick pics. he was the first guy that didn’t just like me for my fat tits but i felt like the only way i could keep him around was by oversexualizing myself which ultimate let to him breaking up with me :( honestly no hard feelings though we were both like 15. him an his current girlfriend are so cute, and me and him are cool.

this is a conversation we had a few weeks ago.

SUNA - my yubo boys

my take away from being in highschool is guys do not give a shit about what you look like or how you’re built, unless they’re insecure, and also self-worth. I got on yubo my sophomore year and had it till my junior year. if you don’t know what yubo is its essentially a teen dating app. now i never went to meet these guys irl i have friends who did... and i just want to stay ted bundy would’ve had a field day with these hoes but would engage in online sexting. which ig is illegals cause i was still under 18. at this point in my life i was just so insecure and seeking male validation that i was throwing ass for people over the internet to people i would never meet. this isn’t one person either this is a collective of i don’t even know how many boys. i feel sick thinking about this but i cant take it back and i just have to encourage my sister and potentially future daughters about this.

Miya twins - my tower moments

these two, like the miya twins are very similare but different. I consider them both tower moments because after them two i change completely how i viewed myself and life. if you aren’t familer with tarot the tower card represents sudden and necessary changes usually the situation tends to me negatives and the outcome following is good. these two are also my most recent compared to the other and i’m still dealing with them today which is why i wanted to give a lil intro. idk if yall believe in astrology but those two have gemini in there big 3 and idk i feel like that has a lot to do with our situationship

OSAMU- my theater teachers son

so technically majority of our relationship was middle school but it carried into high school.he was so mean to me up until 8th grade like i said he was my theater teachers son, and he hated her class. at that time his family had so many issues and i think he didn’t have a outlet. my brother had died around the same time so i too was going through shit. while our issues weren’t the same he definitely confined in me a lot and trusted me with so many things, i don’t think a boy/guy ever just laid everything on me like that and it wasn’t in a “be my therapist” kinda way. he fucked up though, we were in musical theater behind the stage in a closet. his mom was just a couple feet away in the audiences teaching class. me and him were talking per usual, and without a warning he put his tongue down in my mouth. and tried putting his hand down my bra. i was so fucking scared i had never been touched like that. it was my first kiss and i didn’t even tell him he could do that to me. i obviously stopped taking to him after that until the summer going into freshman year when we started sending nudes back snd forth. i don’t like to blame people for my problems but i think i began to hyper sexualize myself because of him. when i wouldn’t send him shit he’d block me, ive finally outgrown him as i now my self worth know occasionally i’ll unblock him and hang out with him for fun but it’s nothing serious. he’s stuck on me like tic though and always bring up the fact he kissed me once in 8th grade 🙄

ATSUMU - my “twinflame”

he was a year older then me and i met him on snap chat that should’ve been a red flag. we started by sending nudes but eventually we started to develop feelings however as soon as things got serious he’d pull out. when his relations with other girls wouldn’t work out he’d always come back to me during that time together he’d love bomb me. take me on dates make out with each other in front of hobby lobbies on sunday, my happiness started to depend on if he talked to me or not and this went on forever. by the time quaratine happened he blocked me because he got a girlfriend? idk if that’s why he blocked me but i assumed that eventually he unblocked me because pussy that good. i gave this man so much power over my life that when i took it back i truly learned by self worth. i will never tell this man this but because of all the shit he pulled on me i’m actually confident. i don’t regret meeting him. occasionally he does try to pull his shit on me and i play along with him. i think the reason i can’t let my gemini boys go is because i’m too scared for a relationship but i know that no matter what they’re both their for fun 😌.

[cosmicbash]

Hey, So I'm having a bad week and would really like an outed Kells and Em fic, it could be as angsty or fluffy as you want, I just need a happy ending. A little joy from a situation like that would be really nice right now, Thanks P.S. I've been reading your writing for a while and I think they're really great!! I hope you keep having Inspiration to do so!!!

Sorry I'm so late replying to this!! Ive had a shitty busy week myself and i feel horrible its taken me so long!!

I feel like instagram would be Em and Kelly's downfall. Just because the younger rapper is constantly on it, posting little snippets to interact with his fans, going Live, and of course posting pictures.

Slip ups are inevitable once he and Marshall start spending more and more time together.

Because Colson can't just cut back, when he does that fans start speculating. Questioning why exactly he's suddenly getting more secretive or searching through what he does share with a fine tooth comb to spot a new mystery girlfriend.

So Colson continues posting away on instagram and filming his lives, even when he and Marshall are together. Ignoring the headshakes and looks the older rapper shoots his way everytime he's on live laughing it up.

At first it's awkward, Marshall and him keep alternating who's going to duck into the bathroom or step out for coffee. But eventually they get used to it and comfortable enough that Colson can walk around their hotel room filming while Marshall naps on the couch.

The blonde even gets cheeky enough to start teasing his partner, like snapping photos of their shared brunches, or taking after sex selfies that always get Marshall hiding under the blankets or kicking him.

Really Colson should have seen it coming. You can only fly so close to the sun before you get burned afterall.

The mistakes start piling up soon enough.

Marshall accidentally yelling to ask him something when he's recording a live, Colson walking a bit too close to the couch and flashing the hoodie clad rappers back, the bottom of Marshall's AA necklace in the back of a breakfast shot, and more minor incidents that branch out from there.

At first Colson can just brush the unfamilar voice and thankfully covered up body as one of his assitants or friends. But as soon as that necklace peek gets out the internet does its thing and speculation over a possible collab strikes up.

The assumption being he gave everyone the glimpse on purpose.

Of course he's relieved the public isn't immediately jumping to the crazy possibility of them banging. Even though thats exactly what theyre doing. But him and Marshall AREN'T actually making any music together, and neither of them has publicly squashed their beef. Afterall, what better cover than pretending to still hate eachother?

But now that's all out the window. Colson's lack of an immediate excuse and rapid deletion of the photo just convincing the media their theories are correct.

Paul is of course furious, reaming both of them out over the phone about how they better get on a track together or figure out some new cover. And Diddy, well Diddy rarely comes off his self made throne to speak to Colson, let alone acknowledge most of his success, but the rapper actually does inquire to him about the whole spectacle. And Colson can't help but find himself wishing he had a guy like Paul who knew about them and could just simply yell at him because he still has no idea what to even say.

They settle on quiet ambiguous statements from their labels about how the two of them are working towards mending their beef and that a collaboration isn't exactly out of the question at this moment.

It works. For about a month or two, mostly due to them being apart yet again. The major hype dies down and Colson avoids any and all questions relating to Marshall in his lives and on twitter. The two of them are able to breathe a sigh of relief as temporary as it may be.

Until the next time they make time to see eachother. Colson's got a small charity event in Detroit that he plans on using as an excuse to linger around the city and steal some much needed time with his secret boyfriend.

Of course all eyes are on them yet again, questioning whether the young rapper might also be stopping in to work in some music with his rival.

With paparazzi tailing him more than ever it's impossible for him to just go to Marshall's place like he'd planned. Instead forcing him into renting a suite and wasting most of the day stressing over just how the hell he's supposed to sneak Marshall in with the bastards sitting outside the building like hawks. The other rapper isn't exactly helping either, just sending his usual cryptic texts telling Colson not worry about it but never expanding on what his plan is either.

By the time the blonde finally finishes his busy day and drags himself back to the room he has fully accepted that their rendezvous is not going to happen. Marshall had stopped texting him more than two hours ago and he wasn't about to act even more like a spoiled child by blowing the man's phone up. Colson's just given up. He can't even muster the energy to give the paparazzi outside his hotel more then an annoyed comment about how his life doesn't revolve around collaborations and the finger before slipping inside.

Marshall's presence in his hotel room, already stripped down to his night tee and briefs almost looks like a mirage. But when he shuts the door and crosses the room to bury his face in the other man's neck he smells like ivory soap and that woodsy beard oil the blonde bought him and Colson can't help but hug him closer.

He's so relieved to see him he doesn't even snark back at Marshall's muffled comment that he looks like shit.

The moment is sweet and Colson honestly should have realized it was just the calm before the storm but he's too caught up in complaining about the media and basking in his partner's soft agreements to care.

Before taking off to take his shower he hands Marshall over his phone, suggesting the brunette look through the mess his instragram comment section has become, all the questions and posts he's been tagged in over that little picture and their statements. Because why not? They would inevitably end up laying against eachother in bed scrolling through them all together anyway, at least this way Marshall can get a headstart.

And Marshall does actually swipe through them for a bit, spending more time admiring some of his partners pretty posts than he does reading the never ending stream of comments. The rapper rarely gets on the app himself except to post the occasional merch drop and promo. Social media isn't his forte, and it's not like he could follow Colson's account anyway. Navigating the app and searching for his boyfriends account was too much work when he could just asks for selfies over text.

Thats why when Marshall finishes his browsing and begins backing out of a post back to Colson's homepage he doesn't even care to pay much attention to what he's tapping. The flash of black and loading wheel that lights up the screen completely missed when he tosses it across the bed in lieu of playing around on his own phone.

The livestream he accidentally starts mainly films a blank ceiling through the rest of Colson's shower. The occasional creak and shift on the bed from Marshall's weight and blare of music from his own phones speakers all anyone tuning in can hear.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon for fans to realize the Live has been started unknowingly, but thats not going to stop any of them from filing in.

Maybe if Colson hadn't set his phone to silent the string of text messages might have alerted Marshall to his mistake. But the older rapper relaxes back on the bed less than a foot away blissfully unaware until Colson finally exits the bathroom.

Neither of them notice the phone when Marshall sits up and scoots to the edge of the bed, his body briefly flickering past the frame. They don't see the explosion of comments flying past the screen while they talk and Colson shoves the other man back onto the bed again. Bouncing the phone high enough to almost flip it if fate didn't decide to just scoot it closer to their tangling bodies.

Colson's whole upper body and face is in frame from then on. His cheeks flushed and smile cocky while he straddles his unseen partner. Marshall's fingertips peeking onto the screen where they're tickling the skin covering his ribs.

Its not until after Marshall's sat back up and begun peppering kisses down the front of his throat that he finally catches sight of his half blanket covered phone. An amused accusation about the other rapper trying to sneakily film them prompting Marshall to scoff and reach out for it.

"Probably just the app, shits always opening up to the camera on my phone-"

The rush of comments speeding past the screen and the unmistakeable red dot next to LIVE has Marshall freezing. His wide eyed face fully on screen for 10 seconds before Colson finally pries the phone from his hands to see whats got him so spooked.

Instead of panic, anger is what rushes through Colson's veins. A slew of curses leaving his mouth, before he finally manages to end the live. Phone promptly flying out of his hand against the wall afterwards.

The blonde wants to scream and thrash around. And thats what he does, fingers tearimg at his hair in frustration.

It takes Marshall's fingers softly prying them down for Colson to finally open his eyes again. The utterly terrified look on his partner's face chasing away his residual rage. "Fuck Colson I'm sorry-" its not the first time he's heard Marshall apologize, but it is the first time the man has ever done it while looking so scared of his response.

All the months he'd spent dreaming about his rival making such an expression have nothing on the real thing. And that smug powerful feeling he'd imagined was completely absent now. Just an uncomfortable knot seizing up his chest in it's place.

"I'm not--" his own voice feels tight. Tears threatening to bubble up in his eyes while the reality of the whole situation continues to wash over him. "I'm not mad at you, alright?"

He's mad at the media, at his fans, the rap industry, everything that makes him feel like this little slip up and intimate moment of theirs going viral will ruin their lives.

Colson's sick of hiding who he is and who he's with. Its utter bullshit. Its 2019 for chrissakes, who gives a shit who's banging who? They both make bad ass music either way and liking dick shouldn't change that.

Pushing up off of Marshall, Colson moves to climb off the bed. His hopefully not smashed phone across the room his current focus. But the older rapper snags his wrist and wont let him take more than one step.

And thats when Colson realizes just why Marshall looks so terrified. The man's worried that this is it, that he's going to just leave.

Run away from their problems and abandon the relationship they've been cultivating. Just go full scorched earth.

And that hurts.

So instead the blonde softens his expression and climbs back into bed, onto the other man's lap to hug him tightly. "Fuck Marsh--" He's not about to let the media ruin another relationship. "I love you."

The responding hug is so tight it hurts but Colson doesn't stop. "I fucking love you."

They're falling back onto the bed, legs tangling and Colson's teeth grinding while he rubs his face along the older rapper's shoulder. "I love you"

He doesn't even know what else to say. Now that the words are out it's all his tongue can shape.

"Colson-" Marshall's warm palms are cupping his face, pulling him back so they can stare at eachother

"I love you-" that one hurts the most, maybe because they're eye to eye and just looking at Marshall's soft expression and the possibility of losing it makes him want to crumble. "Please-"

He chokes back a wet sound in the back of his throat before they kiss. Pressing as close as he can, practically trying to glue their mouths together permanently.

Marshall's afraid to lose him just as much. They're idiots for ever thinking it might be a possibilility.

The media can get blown, and so can the industry and their so called fans. The cats out of the bag now and theirs no turning back. If they don't like them together than tough shit. They've both dragged themselves up out of the pits before, this will be no different.

Except, this time they have eachother to lean on.

"I love you to you cornball."

(((Ffffff this sat in my drafts cuz I got distracted by work and life. Im so fucking sorry anon!!!)))

((Also! Thank you anon! For the compliments! Im glad you enjoy my works!))

[miraculousdoodle]

More Adrienette for the soul

[luckyfirerabbit]

Jaune Doe: Pt 1

It was phoned in as a noise complaint, not unheard of in a busy city like Argus, but still a cruiser with a pair of officers was sent out to have a look if for no other reason than someone's peace of mind. Lie Ren and his partner, Nora Valkyrie, drew the short straw and were dispatched just before midnight.

It's a Sunday night and schools were in, so most of the neighborhoods were quiet and functionally traffic free at this hour, but Ren still drives like it's rush hour: both hands on the wheel and both eyes on the road with his back straight as a board. His partner, on the other hand, slouches a little with an elbow propped on the door to brace her jaw. She consciously resists the urge to prop her feet on the dash board, knowing Ren doesn't like it and not being in the mood for his trademark gentle lectures.

"So what do you think it is?" Nora asks, anything to break up the dull roar of the engine.

"The caller said it sounded like broken glass, but there was a lot of noise just after it. Might be a jumper."

"God, I hope not. I don't need that right now." Nora visibly cringes. "But they didn't see anything?"

Ren shakes his head, flipping the signal before turning through a quiet intersection. "They were out on their fire escape when it happened, said it sounded like a couple buildings down from them."

Nora shifts in her seat, sitting a little straighter but still looking uncomfortable when she settles. "I really hope it's not a jumper."

"I'll take point when we get there." that way, if it is, he'll see it first and she won't have to see it at all.

(--)

The fall was jarring, painful, worsening the state of his threadbare consciousness that makes him teeter on his bare, bloody feet that much more. There's glass in his hair, his hands, his heels, and he absently wipes at his chest in a reflexive attempt to tidy up. He blinks furiously, hands haphazardly rising in front of him as if to ward off obstacles that he can't possibly see. Everything is broken, blended, like the world is made of spiderwebs being simultaneously squashed together and pulled apart. His stomach lurches and he hits his knees, another shock of pain that does nothing to ground him.

He crawls then, still no thought towards his direction or destination, on that it's less painful this way. The dead heat in his throbbing brain keeps him unsteady, his shoulders and hips swaying like a lame animal's would. He tips against a wall of brick, jolting and whimpering at the awful, abrasive and unforgiving masonry. He's panting so hard, broken ribs struggling to contain his lungs and his speeding heart. But no amount of air is enough to quell the desperate clawing in his guts, the feeling like he's dying.

Somehow he pulls himself up, forgets that he even did it as those dragging seconds blink to the moment he realizes he's upright again. He's wiping at his front again, pushing off the buildings sharp corner and hobbling out of the shadowy alley and towards the curb. Just before stumbling into the street, headlights flash against him, seeming to carry its own sort of invisible force as he simply drop to the pavement. It was just too much, he couldn't take any more. When the singular bright light is joined by flashing red and blue ones, his arms flop across his eyes, but it isn't fast enough to stop him from throwing up.

The driver door on the police cruiser swings open, voices of a harried back and forth coming from the opening before the officer does. Ren puts his partner to task radioing dispatch before rounding the door to approach what looks like a man lying in the street. He had seen streaks of blood in the headlights, but he would have stopped regardless after seeing him collapse. For safety's sake he's pulling on latex gloves before kneeling down.

"Sir?" Ren tries, shying a little as the man lurches with a wet groan. "Sir, can you hear me?"

Maybe. Maybe not. Right now all he can focus on is the need to lay on his stomach. The asphalt is cool and he wants the chill in his skull.

"Sir, I'm officer Lie Ren of the Argus Police Department," he doesn't try to move him, much less touch him just yet, "can you tell me your name?"

Nope. That's burned right out of his head.

"Sir, I can see you're banged up pretty badly, my partner is calling for an ambulance, okay?"

The man flops on his back with another pained groan, eyes tight against the still too bright lights. Now Ren can see the glass and the blood on his face and the almost unnatural amount of sweat pouring over his skin. With a gentle hand keeping him still, Ren pulls the penlight from his breast pocket. "Sir, I need you to open your eyes for me. Just for a second."

He shakes against the command he barely understands. Something primitive in him knows eyes plus lights equals bad. Then there's one frantic burst of confusion as something touches his face, easing the lids apart and exposing him to a horrific instant of brightness that makes him shout out loud.

"I'm sorry, sir," Ren immediately removes his hand from the man's face, put keeps the one on his shoulder in place to stop him from thrashing. His now free hand touches the radio at his own shoulder. "Nora, please expedite those responders, his pupils are blown." Overdose, maybe. Is he our jumper? How did he make it out here like this? If it's drugs...what is he on? "Just take it easy, sir, help is coming."

(II)

Pyrrha Nikos scowls as she walks through the halls of the hospital, her scroll pressed between her cheek and shoulder so she can open the lounge door without missing a word from the other end of the line. Still listening she sets down her briefcase on one of the empty tables, her brow only seeming to tighten as she makes way for the communal refrigerator.

"You do remember what joint custody means, right?" her voice is both stern but hauntingly soft. "Do we need to go back to court?"

"Come on, Pyrrha, think about what that would do to Diana." shrugs a man's voice from the other end.

"If that's what you're worried about, maybe ask her what being kept away from me is doing. I get her on the weekends, judge's orders, and this will be the fifth weekend in a row you've kept her."

"What do you want me to say?"

"That's you'll stop this nonsense and adhere to the agreement."

"The judge wouldn't hear it the last time you filed a complaint, doubt that'll change."

Pyrrha's nostrils flare as she tries to tame herself. "Don't make me push any harder than I am already. This doesn't have to get ugly."

"That sounds an awful lot like a threat, Pyrrha. Be careful, or I'll have to tell the judge you're harassing me." The tone toes the line between smug and feigned concern.

"Cardin," she bites.

"Fine. You can pick her up tonight before I leave for work. If you're late she's going to my moms, and you can sort it out with her if you want."

Pyrrha exhales. "Thank you. I'll see you later." Then she frowns when there's nothing but a click from the other end. She'll buzz her lips, trying to push it down in the same way she pushes her scroll into her pocket.

"Piece of work, that one."

Pyrrha jumps, air hissing between her teeth in surprise. "Gods, Billy, I didn't see you."

The hulking, silver haired faunus chuckles as they lounge back in their chair. "Sorry to startle you."

Pyrrha laughs at herself a little as she tries to get back to what she was doing, which was making herself a cup of tea. "Are you usually here this early?"

"Had a special admission last night, had to stay late." They reach up to stretch, yawning. "I'm just waiting for Starborough's night report before I go home."

"Oh yeah? That bad, huh?"

"Bad enough to need both of us." they nod. Billy is head of security at Argus' Northwest Municipal Hospital and has been for more than a decade. "In fact, after I go over said report, it's going into the case file that will eventually be on your desk."

"Oh, you shouldn't have." Pyrrha grins, finding the tea bags and setting them out on the counter next to the water heater. "Can you give me anything right now? Kind of brief me?"

"I don't have much, but," they shift in their seat, propping one elbow on the table. "Your buddy cops brought in a guy, early to mid twenties, kinda noodly, no shoes, no shirt, no service; poor kid was strung out of his mind."

With her back to them, Pyrrha winces to herself.

"He was real dazed when he first got in, cooperative because he didn't know any better, I guess. Cut and bruised all to hell. But he got real mean when they tried to put an IV in him."

"Understandable, I mean," she turns, waiting for her water to heat up, "I hate needles too."

"Not like this you don't. It took me and Starborough and your buddy cops to keep him still enough for the coats to hook him up. Damn near climbed Starborough to get out of that bed."

"Gods have mercy." Pyrrha's eyes are wide and disbelieving. Sahv Starborough, a tusked faunus, was comparable in size to Billy, maybe wider in the middle but no less built. The two of them had nicknames: twin peaks, push and pull, double trouble, and that's just the one's that Pyrrha knows about. The idea that anyone could almost overpower either of them just seems ridiculous.

"But you know Sahv took it in stride, it's because of all the time she spends working with the little ones an the old folks." then Billy chuckles again. "But this guy literally had a hold of one tusk, and she's keeping it together enough to use her soft voice, you know?"

Pyrrha just nods, smiling, able to hear it in her head. Sir, I know you're upset, and that's okay, but I need you to let go of my face, please. She shakes her head, turning back to the water heater when it chimes. "I'm assuming, since you're here, that he eventually calmed down?"

"Not when I last checked, no." all the humor is gone from their voice now. "They had to strap him down so he didn't hurt himself, and they can't give him anything to mellow him out until they find out what's up with his blood work."

Pyrrha is quiet for a moment, dipping her teabag in the foam cup she pulled from the cabinet. Then she sighs. "Poor guy."

"Yeah. But maybe he dozed off on his own...it's been quiet down there for a couple hours."

"Here's hoping." She leaves the bag at the bottom of the cup to steep, then moves to retrieve her briefcase from the table. "You'll drop the file off when it's ready?"

"Sure." one curt nod followed by another yawn.

"And will you stay long enough to show me pictures of that beautiful baby of yours?"

Billy just blushes and grins, all teeth. "Yeah, sure. See you then, Nikos."

**********

threw this together in a couple hours, and in the meantime Wild Hunt is just sitting there mocking me. Probably will do more, just don’t expect a schedule.

[rogue-barnes-16]

SECRETS (part II/IV)

Summary: Detectives James Barnes and Y/n Y/l/n never really got along, despite being partners for seven months. You could say they hated each other, however, when James' past shows up threatening to break him all over again, the truth about their feelings comes to the surface.

Pairing: cop!Bucky Barnes x cop!Reader

Genre: angsty

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @sinviix @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack

Warnings: abusive ex-partner, mentions of toxic relationship, hungover, scars

A/N: I'm back from my brief hiatus(?) yayy! I'm still feeling super insecure about my writing so if you see something I'm doing wrong or something that I should improve, tell me. Tomorrow I'll post the next part of The Protege, but now enjoy <3.

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist (you can find part I there)

The moment my eyes fluttered open, my hands gripped the sheets I had gotten tangled with, trying to suppress a loud groan the would have just made my head pound harder.

I stirred and turned my head to the man lying besides me as a proof of the bizarre events that my mind remembered from the night before.

This time I was unable to hold back a now regretful groan, which ended up shaking him awake.

"what the- Fuck" he sat up, pressing the heels of his hands against his shut eyes. "fuck fuck fuck fuck"

I shifted my position in a way that I had a perfect view of his bare back.

And that view made my heart clench, because it made me remember what I wanted to talk about without him in first place.

It also proved me that, sadly, there was no way in hell that I was wrong. The patterns of the scars were signs of domestic violence without a doubt.

"Barnes" I called him, not daring to move. "we still have to talk." my voice sounded demanding, but still tender and quiet.

"what 'bout?" his eased voice almost made me doubt my gut feeling, because after all, those scars could be something else.

But then he put his shirt faster than normal, and before even putting on his underwear.

"Dot." his shoulders tensed for a moment, but he did his best to hide it from me. "what happened between the two of you?" I didn't want to ask it directly, so I decided to take the long way.

"c'mon Y/l/n" he let out a humorless laugh, getting up to put on his underwear and pants. "You're the smartest detective I've ever worked with" I managed to hide my surprise at the compliment and I sat up on the bed. "do you really need to fuckin' ask?"

"yeah" he glared at me, leaning over the bed to grab his jacket. "Barnes for fucks sake" I let out a groan, falling back on the bed after I had seen him get out of my apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

I got in the precinct an hour or so before my shift actually started, but, honestly, I couldn't care less.

I made a bee line to my desk, not bothering on greeting my colleagues "Hey man, are you okay?" Wilson asked, probably noticing how bad I looked like due to the hungover.

"always" I curtly replied, grabbing the manila folders Y/n had been working on, and displaying it in front of me.

"Bucky?" I didn't even need to spare a glance at Steve to see his worried gaze. "what are you doing here? You don't-"

"got a problem" I muttered low enough for only us to hear it. "I- Y/n and I-"

"Please don't tell me that-"

"yeah" I replied before he finished his question. "we were drunk and-"

"Oh c'mon man" Steve sighed and I let myself fall on the chair while he kept pacing besides me. "with her out of everyone? You had to fuck your co-worker, who you've been pinning over for the last four months?"

"Listen, jerk that's not the important thing right here" I hissed, leaning over the desk to be closer to him. "she knows."

"she knew the moment that Dot showed up" he replied, sitting over my desk. "why does it matter anymore though? The trials start in a week."

"I didn't want her to know" I confessed, running my hands over my short hair. "not now, not like this."

"well there's no going back, pal" Steve said with a sad note on his voice. "you gotta- oh, there she goes" squeezing my shoulder, he got up and walked to his own desk. "Mornin' Y/l/n. Isn't it a bit early?"

"I have work to do" she replied emotionless, looking for the folders on her desk. When she didn't find them, she silently walked to stand besides me and, leaning over my desk, she started to grab the folders.

"I won't tell anyone" she whispered in a tone much softer than I expected. "it's your place to do it so don't worry" with that, she came back to her desk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was midnight and Y/n and I hadn't spoken since our brief exchange of words in the morning. Now that we were the last ones left in the department, it was impossible for us not to chat with the other.

It was Y/n who started the conversation.

"Hey listen" she called in low voice, walking to my desk to sit besides me. "I'm sorry for pushing you. I just-" she sighed, scratching her arm distractedly. "I-I just wanted to be wrong, and then" pursing her lips, she spared me a nervous look. "I don't know"

I glanced at her for a moment and, after taking a deep breath, I spoke. "I fell for her when I was really young" I stated. "Hell, I fell hard" she peaked at me, leaving the pencil she was using over the papers. "she was so charming. We got married when I was twenty-six"

"That's..." she looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face. "that's nine years"

"not really" I scratched my neck, feeling Y/n's eyes on me. "we took lots of breaks" I tried focusing on the reports in front of me. "things went south during the last three years, though. We fought. A lot." I scoffed "I loved her so I always blamed myself-"

"Bucky" she cut me off in the most tender way possible. "we- you don't- we don't have to talk about it." before I could tell her that I wanted- no, that I needed to, she spoke again. "unless you want to."

I nodded. "one day I came home late. We argued and she... Uh... Slapped me." I shrugged, not daring to look at Y/n. "and I thought, she's worried, don't mind it." Y/n stayed quiet for me to tell her the rest of the story. "slaps turned into things being thrown at me, and then... Well, you already saw it."

"Your back." I nodded at her guess. "Bucky, those are some serious scars." I just shrugged, not knowing what to answer. "what the hell did she use?"

"what does it look like?"

"I didn't look at them enough to-" I started to unbutton my shirt to take it off. "you sure of what you're doing?" I nodded, leaving the shirt aside. "Okay uh" she stood up and hesitantly traced the scars with her fingers "those three ones gotta be from a belt."

"they are"

"well then she's strong as fuck" I let out a nervous chuckle while she inspected the rest of the scars. "this one... Did she stab you"

My nod was almost unnoticeable "That's the last one"

"I wanna believe that this burn here" her fingers ghosted over it. "isn't one of them." she sighed, grabbing my shirt and handing it to me.

I realized too late my hands were shaking too much for me to be able to button up my shirt. When she noticed this, she kneeled in front of me and did it for me.

"the last time we were together, she ended up stabbing me" her jaw clenched.

"I'm guessing she came here" she got up and came back to her chair. "because you brought a lawsuit against her?"

I nodded, clenching my fists a few times in an attempt to calm my nerves. "she showed up in my house yesterday. That's why I was in the bar."

READER'S P. O. V.

"what are you gonna do tonight?" That question didn't really need to be asked, but still, I did.

"I'll stay in the break room" he replied distracted. "tomorrow I'll figure something"

Without thinking twice, I casually suggested "come to my place"

He shot me a perplexed glance "and then what?" before I could even think about replying, he spoke again. "we fuck again?"

I couldn't help but snort with a note of bitterness in my laugh. "I'm trying to be nice, what the fuck was that?"

"not sure" he muttered absently, a frown forming between his eyebrows. "I'm sorry, I think I'm too tired"

I sighed "yeah, me too" I looked up at the clock and, taking a deep breath, I spoke again "we should go home"

"we?"

"yeah" I got up, not wanting to face him for some reason I could not pinpoint. "You're staying at my place remember?"

"Y/n" he called me "there's still a week left for the trials"

"I think" I grabbed my things and put on my jacket "that we're more than capable of standing each other for a week"

I heard him standing up and I finally turned around to face him again. "Y/n, you don't have to-"

"Oh shut up" I said cut him off, throwing him his jacket. "I bet if it was Steve, you wouldn't be so hesitant"

"of course I wouldn't" he admitted, letting out a chuckle. "he's my bestfriend"

"then- I dunno" I shrugged with a grin on my face while we made our way out. "pretend I'm Steve, but stop complaining"

"That's-" he snorted falling into step with me. "that's so fucking weird"

"why? 'cause we fucked?" there was a beat of silence, but when I looked at him, we both burst into fit laughs.

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

"yeah, because we fucked" I confirmed, looking ahead of us with a smile dancing on my lips. "Where's your place, by the way?"

"what the hell? you were there last night." she shook her head a couple of times with a grin pulling the corners of her mouth. "I guess you were too drunk."

"so were you"

"yeah, but I still know where's my place" she stated proudly.

"what the f- Y/n, that's because it's your place." a snort escaped her lips. "which way, genius?"

"This way, jerk" she placed a hand on my back to guide me and, despite the thick jacket, I could still feel it's warm.

It was in that moment that I realized her touch somehow soothed me, and I found myself wishing she didn't let go of me.

[jflashandclash]

Traitors of Olympus IV: Fall of the Sun

Forty-Five: Euna

A Dream Catcher Would Have Been Easier

             Unlike the last two times Euna took Hemera’s god-enhancing droplets, Euna didn’t try to shut out the noise.

           She listened very carefully.

           As her feet struck the mud, she could hear the dying cries of the trampled grass and strawberry plants, some too mutilated to scream. She could hear the plants being crushed under Pax’s, Eris’ and Python’s foot—er—feet and snakely bodies? Yea, whatever. Those.

           The transition to god mode was much smoother this time. The first time, all the plants screaming had been deafening and overwhelming.  

           Now, Euna could hear, with clarity, Miranda, her sister, praying for vines strong enough to hold down Python’s tail and the cries from the plants. She could sort through those prayers.

           It reminded Euna of how she had tuned out years of her father’s scolding and Joey’s desperate mockery; Euna let her brain unfocus. The screams of demigods—those were outside her head, right?—those faded as easily as the hisses inside.

           This must be how it is for Mom, Euna realized when her emotions for the demigods turned to apathy, and she stalked towards Phobetor.

           Inside, she knew all these things—people, plants, whatever the difference—needed to die, because life relied on death. No animals could live without killing. No plants could prosper without taking the territory of another, without weeding out the trash.

           That’s what Euna was going to do. Weed out the trash. Though, that made it sound like a chore, and Euna hated chores.

           “Euna, oh Euna, my fair maiden—mf!”

           Euna shoved a white, blooming flower into Jack’s mouth, tired of hearing him talk. She didn’t need him right now.

           Phobetor stood ahead of her, a tall humanoid with a weirdly fused kiwi-bird-skull-plague-doctor-thing going on. He had recovered from where she drop-kicked him. He huffed and adjusted his Renaissance-style lord’s cap. “I beg your pardon?” Phobetor demanded again, hands trailing to his pink-and-green pokey-doted bowtie. “You’ll ‘start’ with me? Young demigod, I am the great Ikelos—“

           Traitor to the Second Titan War, Backbiter hissed in her hands. She swept the scythe to the side, rotating it. Although familiar as a farming tool, she wished it was more balanced for fighting or executing.

           The god seemed flustered when Euna didn’t break stride, though Euna couldn’t tell if that was from their proximity or if he’d heard Backbiter’s bitterness.

           “Kronos?!” Phobetor blundered, proving it was the latter. One of his hoofed feet took a step back and he put his piccolo-hatchet to his beak. “I’ll show you your worst fear—” he started to say to Euna, and—if she was correct—he sounded desperate.        

           “I’ve already seen that,” Euna said. With each step, long grass sprouted at her feet, exploding up to her hips. Strawberry vines slithered around the ground, slinking towards the God of Nightmares.

           Phobetor’s cheeks puffed and a high-pitched note pierced the air.

           A wave of exhaustion hit Euna but, the joke was on Phobetor: she was always too tired and in need of a nap.[1]

           Phobetor retreated another step. “Why aren’t you sleeping? You’re not a child of Hypnos[2] or Hecate.” He huffed, then raised the piccolo back to his lips as they curled into a smile.

           Another note.

           Euna didn’t care. She was almost upon him. The grass and vines had expanded to surround them. She stroked the rosewood box in her pocket once before settling both her hands on the cool shaft of her scythe.

           “Dunno,” she muttered, “Kinda hard to trick me when I know what you’re doing.”

           Hemera’s god-droplets probably didn’t hurt either.

           Shuffling nearby barely caught her attention. She didn’t need to look. The grass and strawberry vines alerted her to the presence of several sleepwalking campers.

           Phobetor’s smile crumbled when the strawberry vines snaked up and the grass bent to drag the campers into their thicket.

           Everything was so much quieter now with sleepwalker’s shambles silenced, so much more peaceful.

           Something leaked from Phobetor’s jester sleeves: aphids, beetles, caterpillars, and cabbage maggots. Things that were bad for the garden. “You are a demigod—one of Eris’ pawns! An upstart!” he cried, flinging them towards her.

           Desperately, she thought.

           Euna ignored them, doubting they were real, and not caring if she was wrong. Instead, she plucked a handful of seeds from her berry crown, things she’d been gathering during her and Jack’s trip, and tossed them at Phobetor.

           She closed her eyes, sensing his movements through his steps on the smashed plants and the pollen in the air.

           He turned to tar, assuming her attack was immediate.

           It hadn’t been. She’d been trying to learn from the whole “tact” thing that Axel taught her--the way Joey would analyze an opponent to find their weaknesses during a dojo match.

           Euna settled her hand back onto Backbiter’s long staff. She exhaled, concentrating on where her plants felt Phobetor’s presence and commanding her seeds to take root and grow. She needed Phobetor’s focus on her, so these seeds could expand. She couldn’t have them explode out like the walnuts trees in Santiago’s pyramid.

           Phobetor went to raise his piccolo-hatchet.

           Then she lunged, swinging her scythe in a wide arc.

           Her blade, Backbiter’s two-toned, blade vibrated with a solid strike.

           Phobetor screamed.

           When she opened her eyes, she saw Phobetor standing several feet back. His form was half-melted. Tar dripped off a vaguely humanoid figure, the colorful minstrel adornment unraveling into shiny dribbles. There was no face underneath the kiwi skull as it clattered into the grass.

           One gross, rippling hand held the stump of another. Snakes, spiders, and bugs spilled from it alongside golden ichor.

           In the grass, Euna could sense his dismembered tar-puddle limb and splintered hatchet.

           Ikelos, did you forget that I can permanently cut up a god, as I did Uranus? I told you my vengeance would be swift for traitors to my cause. Backbiter laughed. You coming here bodily was your end.

           Phobetor stood there, stunned. When he finally recovered from his shock—that Euna had something that could really hurt him—he tried to take a step backwards.

           His tar feet stuck fast. He glanced down in panic at the two splendid pitcher plants holding his feet in place—carnivorous plants with deep cavities in the shape of pitchers, dripping with sticky, digestive acid.[3] Massive flowers—stinking corpse lilies—sprouted all around the pitchers, reinforcing their weaker walls with two foot long red and white petals.[4] Tree roots erupted from the ground, twisting the petals together, pushing them up to Phobetor’s hips, sewing the pitchers and petals together like they were making a bodily cast for Phobetor.

           Although hard to tell with an overdramatic puddle, Euna thought he might be shivering. Rippling? Whatever.

           “You’re the one who gave us nightmares for months. You made my sister relive her death over and over again,” Euna said. With barely a tug in her gut, she commanded more corpse lilies to grow, encasing Phobetor’s waist and trapping his tar into a tightly-wrapped, leak proof, biodegradable package. Satyr-approved.

           “Demigod,” Phobetor said, his voice trembling, “This is most unwise! My father will hear of this!”

           She could feel Phobetor try to slip away. He abandoned his legs, letting the upper half of his body melt over the petals.

           She expected he would try to run. Gods didn’t need their full bodies to exist, after all.

           Euna waited patiently as part of his body sludged backwards over the corpse flowers and pitcher plants, dripping onto a larger, thinner leaf. When his melting torso made contact, the massive 10-foot wide gunnera leaf enclosed around him, making Phobetor release a muffled cry.[5]

           Vines and tree roots encased the trap, reinforcing it. At her command, they lifted the wiggling gunnera leaf up, plopping it on top of the corpse lilies to make another vaguely humanoid thing. He looked funny with pitcher legs and a wiggly leaf for a body. Joey would have called it gross.

           “The other gods will hear!” his muffled cry came through the leaves. “The Olympians will never rest until they know Backbiter is destroyed! Anything you do to me will get their attention—”

           “You talk too much,” Euna muttered. She knelt down plucking a smaller pitcher plant from the larger ones, and scooped up the tarlike essence of his dismembered hand before it could crawl away.

           “Getting their attention will save me time,” she said, setting Backbiter down. She withdrew her rosewood box and popped the lid open with her thumb.

           All the vines and flowers entwined in her hair dangled towards the opening. The vortex of Kaos inside greedily suctioned everything around them; the background din of screams and battle seemed to hold its breath. The waist-high grass rustled loudly towards them.

           “After I’m done here,” Euna said absently as she poured the essence of his hand into the swirl to nothingness. The Phobetor cocoon squealed, apparently able to feel his detached limb shatter into nonexistence. “I’m coming for the Olympians next.”

           Euna clicked the lid closed, tuning out his shrieks like she’d tuned out the plant and gardener’s prayers. The air around them seemed to let out a relieved sigh. She put the rosewood box into her pocket, then lifted up the scythe and groaned in annoyance. If only Persephone’s box had been bigger. Cutting the God of Nightmares into pieces to shove each limb into oblivion? This was going to take forever.

           Frowning, she hefted up her scythe to lob off a chunk of his head. Calex and the others better have something good planned for dinner, because after this mess she was going to be starving.

 ***

Thank you for reading! I’m sorry it’s running late. Things have been crazy *sweat drop* I hope you enjoyed despite the lateness! Stay turned (hopefully next week) for some back-to-back Ajax chapters, Keeping it Holy.

***

Footnotes:

[1] Mel betanote: She’s the hulk. She’s always mad! XD

Jack: sleeptime hulk.

[2] I mixed up the god and the Pokemon for a shamefully long period of time. I got really confused when “Hypno” kept coming up as an incorrect spelling.

[3] So, I’m a huge fan of carnivorous plants. Big pitcher plants are known for eating mice, bats, and rats. These can only be found in East Malaysia, but you can get cute, baby ones in lots of other areas. (Being a fan of cute rodents as well, I prefer the smaller ones that like to snack on mosquitoes and gnats).

Mel betanote: “Oh, okay. This is based on your interests. XD All I could think about was the pokemon version because of your last note.”

Jack response, “No Victreebel for you! Only hoards of tiny Oddishes!”

[4] Corpse lilies are the biggest flowering plants in the world and one of the strongest. Also, one of the worst smelling, emitting the unnerving stench of rotting flesh. It doesn’t help their reputation that they look like something from Little Shop of Horrors.

[5] Enormous plant from Brazil, also known as “dinosaur food.” Gunnera plants are thought to be 150 million years old.

[splendidlyimperfect]

Gray hasn’t seen Natsu in years - not since he moved away with his boyfriend Joel and Natsu stopped texting him. A chance run-in at a bar brings Natsu back into Gray’s life, but the encounter puts Gray in danger when Joel finds out. Natsu quickly realizes that Gray’s stuck in a cycle of violence, and wants to help him escape. But leaving isn’t that easy, and sometimes loving someone might not be enough. 

Chapter Summary: Joel's jealous of how much Gray texts Natsu, and Natsu and Erza are concerned about how much time Gray's spending with Joel.

Chapters (9/21):  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Gray Fullbuster/Original Male Character(s) Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rape Aftermath, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Natsu just wants to help, but Gray feels like he can’t leave, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Character, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, ftlgbtpride2019, Coming Out, First Love, Angst with a Happy Ending, I promise

-----

sleepovers

in·fat·u·a·tion | \ in-ˌfa-chə-ˈwā-shən noun : a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something : strong and unreasoning attachment

.

iv april five years ago

.

“Why are you always on your phone?”

Joel’s voice is sullen, and when Gray looks up, Joel’s brow is furrowed in annoyance. Gray glances over at the TV where Joel’s playing ‘Halo,’ then back down at his screen.

“Sorry,” he says, “I’m just texting Natsu, I wasn—”

Joel reaches over and grabs the phone from Gray’s hands, tossing it to the end of the couch. Gray sits there for a moment, stunned.

“What the hell?” Gray asks after a second. He tries to reach out and pick up the phone, but Joel’s legs are over his, and Joel shifts so that Gray can’t move away. “What’s your deal?”

There’s a tense moment before Joel sighs, and Gray watches his expression turn from irritated to disappointed. “You’d rather talk to him than me,” Joel says, looking away from Gray and down at the controller on his lap.

“Hey, no, that’s not true,” Gray says, anger immediately dissipating. He reaches over and grabs Joel’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “I’m sorry, I just thought—I haven’t talked to him in a while.”

It’s true. Since Joel and Gray started dating three months ago, it’s been harder and harder for Gray to make time for Natsu. Joel likes to hang out with Gray in the evenings, and Gray doesn't blame him – they're both in school all day long, and it’s nice to relax together.

“I know,” Joel says, running his fingers over Gray’s. “It just feels like... you wish you were still with him, not me.”

Continue reading on AO3

The statement hits harder than Gray would like to admit. Joel is amazing, and he makes Gray feel special and loved, but there’s a tiny part of Gray that still lights up every time he gets a text or e-mail from Natsu.

“He’s my best friend,” Gray insists, trying to push those thoughts away. Joel deserves better than that.

“But I’m your boyfriend,” Joel says, and Gray’s stomach immediately twists with guilt. “It makes me feel shitty when you text him instead of talking to me.”

Gray looks down at the discarded phone, then back at Joel, whose expression is downcast. “I’m sorry,” he says again.

Joel’s eyes search Gray’s face, and then he picks up the phone and opens it to Gray’s message history with Natsu. Gray’s eyes widen and he reaches out unconsciously to take the phone back.

“You have something to hide?” Joel asks, looking at him suspiciously, and just like that, the edge is back to his voice. Gray shakes his head and Joel turns back to the phone. His face hardens as he reads back through the messages, and Gray desperately tries to think of what could be in there that’s making Joel upset.

“What’s wrong?” he asks as Joel’s hand tightens around his.

“He’s still in love with you,” Joel says, voice low. He flips the phone around to Gray and points to a text from a few weeks ago.

we went to the lake here last night and watched the stars. thought of you, i miss u so much xo

“W-we...” Gray’s about to explain about the stars and the lake and their old summer traditions, but Joel’s not listening, just scrolling back through message after message. The further back he goes, the tighter his grip becomes on Gray’s hand.

“Are you still in love with him?” Joel asks eventually.

Gray shakes his head vehemently. “No, I—I love you, we’ve just...”

“This doesn’t feel like you love me,” Joel says softly. He scrolls back down to the last few messages and re-reads them.

Natsu: i got a summer job here but i talked to erza about coming back to visit in june after my exams

Gray: Really?

Natsu: yeah : ) maybe we can go out to the lake or something <3

Gray: That would be awesome. I miss you so much.

Gray frowns, looking between the phone and Joel. “I don’t unders—”

“You didn’t tell me about this.” Joel’s squeezing Gray’s hand so tightly that it’s starting to hurt. “You’re making plans with him behind my back?”

“What?” Gray winces, trying to pull his hand away, but Joel won’t let go. “That’s not for another two months, nothing’s for sure, why—”

“You’re supposed to tell me these things!” Joel protests, face drawn in disappointment. “How can I trust you if you’re keeping secrets from me with your ex?”

“I didn’t—”

“You did, don’t lie to me!” Joel tosses the phone onto the floor and digs his fingers dig harder into the back of Gray’s hand.

“Joel, stop it, you’re hurting me!”

Joel immediately lets go of Gray’s hand and Gray pulls back from him, staring down at the bright red marks on his hand and wrist as the blood rushes back to the skin.

“Gray, baby, I’m sorry,” Joel says gently, reaching out to take Gray’s hand. “Hey, c’mon, lemme see.” He runs his thumb over the marks, then brings Gray’s fingers to his lips and kisses the marks. “It’s not that bad, honey.”

“I...”

Joel sighs. “I didn’t mean to,” he murmurs. He pulls Gray into his arms and rubs his thumb over the back of Gray’s hand. “I just get so upset, I… I don’t wanna lose you, and when you do stuff like that, it makes me feel…”

A wave of guilt rushes over Gray. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, pressing his forehead to Joel’s shoulder. “I should have said something.”

“It’s okay,” Joel says, kissing Gray’s head and running a hand down his back. “Just don’t lie to me, okay? I love you. I don’t wanna get upset.”

“I love you, too,” Gray says, wrapping his arms around Joel’s waist and snuggling up to him.

They sit like that for a long time, and eventually Joel reaches down and passes Gray’s phone back to him. He doesn’t say anything about the crack across the screen, and Gray doesn’t mention it.

-----

Natsu [11:38] i think i can drive up on the 13th, does that work for you? xo

Gray [12:20] I think so, let me talk to Joel.

-----

“You’re bailing on movie night again?”

Erza stands in the door to the kitchen, hair pulled up in a messy bun, arms crossed over her chest. Gray hates the look she’s giving him, and he forces himself to ignore it and focus on tying his laces.

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking at his watch. “I know it’s really last-minute, but Joel asked me to—”

“It’s always last minute,” Erza interrupts. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Gray sighs, standing up and running his fingers through his hair. “Erza, I live here,” he says patiently, gesturing down the hallway to his room. “I see you every day.”

“Saying hey, have a good day while you’re staring at your phone and leaving the apartment doesn’t count as seeing you,” Erza says, shaking her head. “I miss you.”

“You have Jellal,” Gray says sullenly, leaning back against the door. He’s supposed to meet Joel in twenty minutes, and Joel hates being late.

“Ellie.” Erza’s voice is kinder than Gray expects, and when he looks up at her, he can’t really read her expression. “You’re one of my best friends. I just miss spending time with you.”

Gray fiddles with the buttons on his shirt – it was a birthday gift from Joel, a dark blue that matches his eyes. It fits just right over the binder they ordered online, and it makes Gray feel right.

“Does Joel... not like us?” Erza asks gently, and Gray looks up at her quickly.

“What? Why would you ask that?” Gray asks, frowning.

“He just doesn’t seem to want to come over here,” Erza says, pulling her hair out of its bun and combing it out, then starting to braid it. “I mean, you guys have been dating for what – four months? And I feel like we’ve seen him maybe twice?”

Gray groans, tipping his head back and staring at the patterns on the ceiling. “Please don’t lecture me, I’m getting enough of that from Natsu.” Erza gives Gray a look and he rolls his eyes. “You’re moving so fast, we never talk anymore, blah blah blah – look, he left. You wanted me to move on, and I am, and now you’re giving me shit about it!”

Erza gives Gray a look that, a year ago, would have had him cowering. Now he glares right back at her, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I’m not giving you shit about anything,” Erza says, stepping forward and reaching out for Gray. He grumbles, but lets her pull him closer. “I’m happy that you’re happy. So’s Natsu.”

“Doesn’t feel like it,” Gray mumbles.

Erza doesn’t say anything, just hugs him tighter and presses a kiss to his head. She smells like popcorn, and for a minute, Gray feels guilty. Then he remembers that Joel is waiting for him.

“I’m sorry, I gotta go,” he says, pulling back and squeezing Erza’s hands. “Next weekend we’ll do movie night, okay?”

“Promise?” Erza asks, and Gray nods absently.

“Yeah. Promise.”

-----

Natsu [13:49] hey, how’d your calc test go? we still good to talk tmw? xo

Natsu [18:33] elllllllie. ells. ell-e-phant. answer your phooooone.

Natsu [20:14] seriously, whats up with you? i miss you

Natsu [21:22] erza says you bailed on her again – dude, whats going on?

Natsu [23:56] im gonna spam you with cute kittens until you answer me

Natsu [22:57] attachment .gif

Natsu [22:58] attachment .gif

Natsu [22:59] attachment .gif

Natsu [23:00] attachment .gif

Natsu [23:23] its 11:11 so i wished for my best friend to text me... <3

Gray [01:34] Heyy sry was at a partty, dunno if we can call tmw but I miss you too <3

-----

By the time they leave the party, it’s almost two in the morning, so Gray crashes at Joel’s place. His roommates are both asleep, and as soon as Joel closes the bedroom door behind them, he grabs Gray around the waist and nudges him onto the bed.

“You look fuckin’ hot as hell,” Joel murmurs against Gray’s skin, hands slipping up under Gray’s shirt and rubbing circles on his back. Gray’s exhausted and still pretty drunk, but he hums and lets Joel kiss his neck. “All my friends are jealous, y’know.”

“Hmm?” Gray blinks at Joel blearily as Joel pushes him back and hovers over him, fingers tugging at the buttons of Gray’s shirt.

“I saw Seth staring at your ass,” Joel says, settling between Gray’s legs and pressing down against him. “He was checkin’ you out all night.”

“’s cause you bought me nice jeans,” Gray mumbles, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Then he frowns, tipping his head back so he can see Joel’s face a bit clearer. “Do… do any of them know I’m…”

Joel shakes his head. “Babe, nobody thinks you’re a girl.” He runs his fingers through Gray’s close-cropped hair and tugs on it gently, tipping his head to the side to press kisses across his throat. “You’re not a girl.”

Gray nods, then runs his hands down to Joel’s hips, stilling the way he’s grinding against Gray.

“What’s wrong?” Joel asks, pulling back and frowning.

“I…” Gray chews his lip. “I’ve been thinking.” He hesitates. “About, like… hormones and stuff. Or surgery, I dunno.”

Joel sits up, studying Gray’s face before running his hands up Gray’s stomach to the edge of his binder. “You wanna get rid of these?” he teases, slipping his fingers under the tight fabric. Gray gives him a half-hearted glare and knees him gently in the ribs.

“Yeah,” he says. “I just… I dunno how to talk to my dad about it.”

Gray’s parents still think he’s a girl, and Gray doesn’t know if he can tell them. His dad’s the pastor in Magnolia now, and Gray’s pretty sure his sermons don’t include love for people like Gray.

“Fuck ‘em,” Joel says. His words are slurred from drinking but his gaze is intent. Gray frowns. Joel’s met his parents, once, and Gray’s mom adored him. “They… if they don’t like who you are, then they shouldn’t be in your life.”

“But…” Gray pushes himself up on his elbows and shakes his head, trying to clear it. “They’re my parents.”

“If they don’t love you for who you are, who cares what they think?” Joel argues. He runs his hands back down to Gray’s sides and squeezes. “I love you just like this.”

“I know,” Gray says softly, tugging Joel down for a kiss. “And I wanna be me, all the time.”

Gray hasn’t really mentioned the idea of actually transitioning to anyone else. With everyone other than Joel, he’s still Ellie, even though he's tried over and over again to tell Natsu. It just never comes out right, and he ends up deleting the words before he can send them.

“You can always be who you are with me,” Joel says, pressing their foreheads together. “Hey, y’know... y’know what? We should live together. Then... you can be you all the time.”

Gray blinks in surprise, trying to pull back to look at Joel, but Joel shakes his head and kisses Gray again instead. He tastes like cheap beer and cigarettes, and his stubble scratches Gray’s bottom lip. Gray sighs, sinking back into the mattress.

“Okay,” he says against Joel’s lips. “Yeah. Let’s... talk about it in the mornin’.”

-----

Natsu – 2hrs ago Missed Call

Natsu – 1hr ago Missed Call

Natsu – 38min ago Missed Call

Natsu – 12min ago 12 Messages

Natsu – 2min ago Missed Call

[agentromancff-blog]

⎣ elena satine, cisfemale, she/her ⎤I just saw [ NATASHA ROMANOFF ] walking around new york. they’re [ 112/LOOKS LIKE 30ish ] years old and go by [ BLACK WIDOW ]. they had kids with [ MARIA HILL ] and I’ve heard they’re [ IN A CIVIL PARTNERSHIP ]. they’re also [ AN AGENT OF SHIELD ]. at their best they’re [ STRATEGIC & INTREPID ] but at their worst they can be [ MANIPULATIVE & CIRCUMSPECT ]. ( ty, she/her, 21, est )

{ trigger warnings : mentions/implications of death, abuse, alcoholism, violence/murder, pregnancy, hospitals, war, & mental illness }

last intro for the day. im sure everyone knows the loml aka natasha romanoff so i tried to keep this mostly headcanon & relevant information based~ 

ABOUT NAT //

because im very upset about what the mceu did to my poor baby,,,, they did her DIRTY guys,,,,, my nat is much more heavily influenced by the comics

this means shes much more of a hardened, elite super spy, more cold and callous, etc... 

so here’s a brief recap of my version of nat’s backstory that i’ll be using: 

it’s sort of a combination of both origin stories. 

so i imagine. 

shes related to the last ruling czars of russian

when the place she was living in caught fire, her mother tossed her out the window and ivan caught her. he raised her as his foster daughter. he turned her over to the red room and she was raised & trained by them

she has false memories conditioned into her mind through psychoactive drugs, conditioning videos, hypnosis, and torture, of her cover story outside of the red room. aka as a dancer for bolshoi theatre. but she also learned ballet in the red room. 

after her red room training was complete, natasha worked for the KGB and was set up in an arranged marriage with her first late husband, alexi

she was told her husband died in a rocket crash, and donned for herself the alias black widow

it’s later revealed that all this happened when she was very young, natasha left at some point and married her second husband on a battlefield at war. where she confessed to being pregnant. she gave birth to her baby on the battlefield, rose, who was born a stillborn because of the serum and experiments that altered natashas physiology and rendered her incapable of having children 

her life’s been a constant string of. getting Fuckt Over by people. ivan at some point attempts to seduce her, plants nanites in her that spread to every person she touched, then every person they touched, and turned them into merciless monsters who started beating each other to death. shes been brainwashed by her masters countless times. and i mean,,, her entire training as a child revolved around her growing up to be a seductress and assassin which,,, okay nat. my poor baby. 

she tries very hard to be better. but at the same time she’s still,,, she does really shady shit sometimes i mean,,, she surgically removed her face and swapped it with yelena belovas,,, to give the woman a mental breakdown and convince her that shes natasha,,,,

soooooo here’s more about where i see her personality wise and where shes at in life rn:

if anyones read the 2019 Black Widow series, thats a pretty good indication of the kind of natasha romanoff i’ll be writing 

i listed her as cisfemale but ive always headcanoned that natasha would love the opportunity to explore gender in a more diverse way, ideally as a more genderfluid character, since she’s constantly had femininity shoved down her throat and was forced to weaponize it. but it’d take being around the right people and being in the right environment where she was comfortable to let down those walls. aka. might take a hella long time so it’s probably something i’ll explore with her in the future 

canonically natashas gone off to fight rebels in wars when she’s needed someplace to get out her black widow training and conditioning and murder impulse. i hc that she probably falls off the grid and goes to war every now and then to fight. it’s hard to have a family when she’s constantly fighting her conditioning and trying to repress her innate instincts to kill. between nat and maria, nat was,,, oddly enough probably the more absent parent of the two 

nat loves motorcycles. and guns. she also has a bad habit of stealing everyones clothes because she rarely wears anything of her own 

she has an issue with attachment. to the point she literally refused to admit she was adopting her cat, liho. but she’s started making an effort for maria and her family’s sake -- though she hates feeling like she has attachments to things/things that can be used against her. so she gets kind of. weird about it sometimes. 

no one knows about rose or her marriage save for a handful of people -- aka someone who had found out about it and blackmailed her with it. aka the daughter of the person who helped her deliver the baby on the battlefield. nat is also really weird with babies for this reason. 

my nat is an alcoholic. she’ll never admit it though. in the comics she drinks,,, every day. every time that she comes home from an assignment, she drinks. usually its wine but she’ll often go for harder stuff (typically russian stuff) when wine isn’t enough. 

it’s very rarely depicted in the comics (likely because she covers it up with sfx makeup) but nat has a red room tattoo on her left shoulder. she cant bring herself to remove it, because she wears her black widow name also like a badge of pride. she’s reclaimed everything that’s happened to her -- that tattoo is no different 

nat very rarely wears jackets. she doesnt need to. she got used to training in the bitter russian winter wearing next to nothing -- she’s very acclimated to the cold. 

she has flashbacks, particularly pregnancy related. also canon in the comics -- when she got injured in her stomach she had a ptsd episode of her stillbirth 

similar to my hc about her gender tho natasha hates bra shopping and hates bras in general. unless theyre sports bras. she finds them so uncomfortable and will only really wear them with the intention of seducing someone

i think the most important aspect of my nat tho is that she never does anything for just one reason. it could be the most simple action like. eating eggs for breakfast. but theres going to be a million and one explanations for why she specifically to eat x amount of eggs cooked x way on x day at x time for x meal. this is even more evident in relationships. sure, she does things out of the “goodness of her heart” but there’s always going to be ulterior (not necessarily malicious tho) motives to it, too. nothing is ever just. surface level with her. 

oh yeah shes also the worst person (or best depending on your perspective) person to bring to a party i mean,,, playing truth or dare? ur Fuckt. playing card games? look at that Poker Face n her ability to read people. playing board games? say hello to a master tactician who also happens to be a perfectionist overachiever and one of the most competitive ppl in the world thx

anyways thanks for reading all my rambles about my little murder baby aka the actual love of my life. i’ll probably remember more headcanons as time goes on. but thats all i can think of at the moment!! so yesss i cant wait to bring my murder baby to you to awkwardly and anti-socially love you all in her own way.  

[1rosex]

BTS Reaction to you confessing your crush on them

Request: I loved the angsty writing, can we pls get some fluff now of the members reactions to you confessing your crush on them?😭 Ty

A/N oops i got carried away

Masterlist

Jin

You were waiting for Jin to come out of practice, standing outside on the phone with a friend of yours. Today was the day you'd invited Jin to accompany you to the fair, your best friend, but also your longest crush. Jin came out of the building to meet you as you spoke to your friend over the phone. You failed to notice his presence.

"Yeah, I do like Jin. I know, I know I have to tell him. I will eventually! I hope.." You told your friend that Jin would be out soon and hung up the phone. You turned around to see Jin, his eyes wide. Your mouth fell open, but you were unable to say anything to save yourself.

"Ah! You ruined my plans Y/N!" He said dramatically as he turned away, his face red. You didn't know what he meant by that, but he didn't sound angry.

"Wait.. What?" You asked in confusion, wondering if confessing was the wrong idea.

"I was going to tell I liked you today!" Jin confessed, his face turning an even brighter shade of red as he made his usual yell of frustration mixed with nervous laughter. You couldn't help the smile from appearing on your face.

"Wait.. You.. You like me?" You didn't mean to sound like an excited little kid but you couldn't help it. Jin turned to you, unable to supress the own happiness on his face.

"Yes, Y/N. Ive liked you for a long time now. And I would have told you on top of the ferris wheel or somewhere romantic if I hadn't overheard you." He sighed.

"Well, I didn't ask you to eavesdrop." You joked. Jin shook his head.

"Well, now we can turn the fair into a date hm?"

Namjoon

You were listening to Namjoon rant about how his crush at the cafe kept ignoring him, he sounded upset. You nodded, listening intently but feeling your own heart hurt to see your biggest crush talking about someone else who showed no interest in him. What Namjoon needed though, was something to help him realize that the person he should be chasing after is you.

"And then! I thought it was all going well, and suddenly she turns around and flat out ignores me. She just left! Without a word!" Namjoon threw his hands up in the air, looking very confused. You couldn't help but laugh a little at his cute frustrated expression.

"Dont laugh!"

"Im sorry Joon. She just doesnt seem interested.. I mean, if I was your girlfriend-" You froze when you realized what you had just said. Namjoon was pulled out of his own thoughts, his eyes fixating on you.

".. If you were my girlfriend?" He repeated, his voice soft. You wanted to deny you ever said that, but the hope that had appeared in his eyes urged you to continue.

".. I.. I would be happy to be talked to. I wouldn't ignore you." You said, daring to keep eye contact. Namjoon's lips were suddenly changing into a smile, his dimples appearing on the side of his cheeks. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying- I’m saying I like you. And I wish I was the one you had a crush on.”

"You don't know how long I've hoped you'd say something like that."

Yoongi

In hindsight, playing Truth or Dare with your best friend Yoongi was probably not the best idea. You were both all worn out of dares, you'd already had him sing a whole serenade and send it to the group chat and he had you hide a fake rubber snake in Hoseok's dorm. The poor sunshine. Now, you'd moved on to truths.

"Okay Y/N, your truth." Yoongi tapped his chin and looked at you knowingly. How could he possibly think of anything? Yoongi knew you better than anyone.

"Who's your crush?" He asked, a question that got you off guard.

"Wait.. My crush? Yoongi, thats ridiculous. No way I'd have a crush and not tell you.." You laughed nervously.

"Hey now, play fair. You're lying to me Y/N." Yoongi had a smile on his face that was making you very suspicious. He was your crush. Why was he acting this way? Maybe he knew about it.. Maybe he’d found out. But how did he find out? However he did, you could see that he knew something was up and he wasn't letting you get away that easy.

"I'm.. Im not lying.."

"False. I heard you talking to your friend last night about a certain guy, and I want to know who."

"Why were you listening to our conversation?"

"Uh.. Not the point.."

You took a deep breath and looked at him. You needed to confess eventually.

"Fine. I do have a crush. My crush.. My crush is.." You were having trouble spitting it out. You were so afraid of ruining this friendship, but you knew you felt more for him. He sat there, patiently waiting for his answer. You couldn't anymore, you loved those eyes and everything else about him. "You dammit, I like you."

It was silent, and Yoongi's expression was impossible to read. You began to doubt yourself.

"Truth or dare, Y/N." He asked, breaking the silence. You looked at him in confusion, wondering if he'd even heard you. "What..? Dare I guess.."

"I dare you to kiss me."

J-Hope

You never intended to fall in love with your best friend. But with his lovable personality and his selflessness, how could you not? He was the best person you'd ever met. You were out at a restaurant with Hoseok, acting as you usually did. Despite being just friends, you were both a very touchy and playful pair. The waitress smiled at you two as she set the menus down.

"Oh, you two are so cute together. There's a discount for couples today, I'll be back to take your order." She smiled.

"Oh we're not-"

"No we aren't-" You both started talking over each other, your faces red as you denied the accusation. The lady just laughed and apologized before leaving you two alone to look. You glanced over at Hoseok, he looked really nervous all of a sudden. Was it really that bad of an idea to him? Discouraged, you grabbed your menu and kept your gaze down.

"Wouldn't we make a cute couple though?" Hoseok suddenly said. You blinked in surprise and looked up at him.

"What.. Hoseok dont play with me like that." You frowned, thinking he was joking. But Hoseok just looked up at you with a serious look in his eyes, waiting for an anwer. You swallowed and looked back down.

".. Yeah, I think we would." You said, barely audible. Hoseok grinned, you hated that smile. That smile that meant he knew exactly what you were thinking, and he knew how to tease you till he got the truth out. He knew about your crush, you were sure of it.

"Do you like me, Y/N?" He asked, straight to the point.

You hesitated, keeping your eyes glued to the menu until he reached over and grabbed it from your hands. You slowly looked up at him. "I do Hoseok. I like you." The whole restaurant seemed to hush, you were afraid Hoseok could hear your heart about to pound out of your chest. But then you felt his arm around you, and his face leaning closer to yours.

"Then I guess we do get that couple discount, hm?"

Jimin

You'd spent the whole day hanging out with Jimin, but now you were walking home and your time to say goodbye was nearing. Jimin gave you his goodbye and turned to leave as you called after him. "Bye Jimin, I love you!" You immediately froze in place. Had you just told your best friend you loved him? Oh, fuck. You didn't dare look back as you started to leave, hearing pure silence from Jimin for what felt like a long time.

".. What?" He eventually called out after you. You laughed nervously, then did the only thing you could think of. You took off sprinting towards your house. You heard footsteps behind you and Jimin calling your name, but you were running in blind panic. Suddenly you felt two arms around you and you yelled as he tackled you and you both rolled over onto the grass. You sat up, turning around to see Jimin struggling to stabilize himself after the fall.

" Wait! Sorry I didnt mean to tackle you- but that's not my point!" He said in a rush, looking dizzy. "Why did you run Y/N? What.. What kind of love?"

You sat there in the grass, trying to catch your breath while staring into Jimin's expectant eyes. "The kind of love that's not just between friends.." You finally admitted. You looked away, starting to get up. Jimin's hand was suddenly on your own, and you turned in surprise to see him smiling up at you.

"Then maybe we don't have to be just friends."

Taehyung

You had been friends with Taehyung for a long time before you even realized you had feelings for him. At first you tried to keep them secret, but lately you couldn't contain them anymore. The way he smiled at you, his laugh when you said something funny, those moments he brushed up on you. You wanted more. One day, you two were laying down watching movies and you couldn't resist anymore. You were both tired from staying up so long, your drowsiness was clouding your judgment. You looked over at Taehyung, with his stupid, cute little tired eyes, and his stupid, perfect face. It almost made you angry how strong your feelings for him were.

"I love you." You blurted out. Your heart skipped a beat, everything seemed to freeze as you realized what you just said.

Taehyung despite being tired, snapped to attention and turned to look at you.

"You what?" He asked, the television illuminating his innocent brown eyes. You couldn't bring yourself to say it again. Regretting it, you promptly rolled over and pretended to be asleep to avoid his questions. You knew he probably wouldn't buy it, but you couldn't bring yourself to turn back and face him. It was quiet for a while, the only sound was the faint voices coming from the television. Suddenly you felt one of Taehyung's arms drape over your side, his head pressing into the small of your back.

"I love you too Y/N."

Jungkook

You were sitting across from your best friend Jungkook, both of you absent mindedly scrolling through your phones. This is how you hung out most of the time. As you were scrolling, you found a video that made you laugh. It was one of those, "send this to your crush with no context" kind of videos. Jungkook arched an eyebrow and looked up at you. "You know the rules." He said. The rule, well the rule was basically that you had to send any video you found funny to the other person so they could enjoy it too. Your face went red, Jungkook was your crush.

"But.. Jungkook I can't do it with this-"

"Y/nnnn" Jungkook whined. You gulped. After a moment of staring at him, you sent him the video. You slammed your phone down, regretting your decision as you looked away. Jungkook watched the video with a completely blank expression, and as it came to and end he looked up you with an expression you hadn't seen in his eyes before.

"So do you mean it?" Junkook asked.

"Mean what?"

"The video."

"What video?"

"The one you just sent-"

"I didn't send anything." You lied quickly, and Jungkook stood up and leaned over the table at you with a smile.

"Y/N! Stop! Do you like me?" He asked, straight forward. You had no idea where his confidence was coming from, and frankly neither did he. You swallowed nervously and nodded silently. It was Jungkook's turn to be flustered now as he sunk back in his seat, trying to control his expression

"Does that mean.. we’re like.. d-dating?”

[theharlequinwriter]

He’s Just like you.

Summary :  you and sam have a bad fight causing you to leave not knowing your pregnant and its a couple years later

Word count : 2,720

triggers: swearing.

“Dean wheres sam”

I stood on my tip toes looking over deans shoulder looking for my tall boyfriend sam.

“He took of with that demon bitch”

I gritted my teeth.

“Ruby”             I hated her more than anything , I knew that she was lying to us about helping dean outta going to hell but of course we couldn’t took a damn angel to save him. I hated how much sam trusted her , I feel like he would chose her over me , so I avoided the question during fights. I sat back on the couch grabbing my food from the brown bag dean had.

“You okay y/n?”

“Im fine why?”

“You seem upset lately maybe a little bitchy”

I pushed deans arm , taking a bite of my burger. We sat watching movies until at least midnight when sam finally came back in the door. Dean and I both turned now looking at sam who stood there as if he had just gotten off work.

“Where were you sam?”

“With ruby babe”

He walked by grabbing his salad pecking me on the cheek. I heard more footsteps and in walks in the demon herself ruby.

“Why the hell are you here demon bitch”

“Watch you’re tone with me hunter skank”

I walked around the couch coming face to face with ruby.

“Lets go bitch”

I pushed her back , sam came grabbing my hand leading me to the kitchen.

“What the hell y/n”

“Really sam”

“What?”

“You brought her here knowing how I feel about her”

“Shes helping me”

“I can help you sam”

“Not like she can”

“Are you sleeping with the bitch or something”

“What no”

“Then what the hell sam , why am I getting the 3rd degree here”

“Shes helping me y/n more than you or dean ever could”

“Wow sam I stayed with you even after dean went to hell ,I stayed when I found out you’re a demon blood junkie , I stayed even when she came”                                                       “No one asked you too y/n”

His hands now clenching into fist.

“I didnt ask you to stay , you did that all on your own”

“What was I gonna do sam , let you go y2k on everyone and everything?”

“I dont know y/n but it would of been easier if you just left”

“Really why so you could fuck her without feeling guilty after , oh im sorry I mean "helping” you"  

“Actually you know what y/n yes okay yes im fucking ruby ,ya happy now , wanna know why? Cause she doesnt bitch all the time , she doesnt need me to protect her , id rather her have my back at least I can depend on her”

“SAM!”

dean yelled stepping between us.

I felt my heart shatter In pieces, I felt tears forming , I didnt want him to see me cry.

I walked away still hearing him yell at dean about how ruby is better for him than me , how maybe I should just go. I went to our room grabbing everything I could , smashing pictures as I walked around the room.

“Okay  sam , hope your happy”

I walked away grabbing my bag and a little money. I gave dean a hug then I walked out the door not looking back.

I finally got to a cheap hotel where I got a single bed for the weekend. I walked inside falling onto the bed tears falling down my face. How could he say that. I took a shower , getting out my phone had a text from dean.

-hey y/n think it finally hit sam your not coming back , he might try call ya Ill let you know if he does anything stupid and dont worry about ruby ill gank her soon-

I didn’t reply i want sam to worry to realize im not going back.

Its been two months since I left, i decided I need to get a apartment in a little town where supernatural things didn’t occur.  I went into the little market buying some food and shampoo oh and pregnancy test.

I got home taking the test , it came back positive only one guy could be the father.

Sam.

I havent slept with anyone else or even looked at another guy I still loved sam.                    

*TWO YEARS LATER*

“Mommy , mommy look”

I got down on knees taking the drawing out of ethans hand.

My son ethan looks just like his father , he has his eyes and hair , his laugh , smile. He makes me miss sam everyday.

“Thats amazing baby , what is it”

Looking at the drawings it was a very tall person with a cape and what look like dogs.

“Its daddy , you said hes saving people from devil dogs , silly mommy”

I put it on the frige placing him in his seat. I gave him his lunch , he always wanted to know about sam ever since he had a play date with a kid who had both his parents. I told him sam was off saving the world from monsters like ghost and devil dogs. He always asked if his daddy was coming home or will he ever see him.

He was so smart for a child his age. After lunch I asked if he wanted to go to the park to play and feed the ducks.

We got in the car buckling ethan into his seat. When got to the park , ethan took off for the swings. I sat on a bench close enough to see but not so close I can’t see my surroundings. Im still a hunter  after all. Ethan was playing tag with some of his friends when another mom came and sat next to me.

“Hey y/n , how are you”

“Im fine susan ,how are you”

“Honestly a little shook up , some fbi agents came to the house asking about murders”

“Creepy”

“Oh my thats them”

She pointed her finger over at two men in suits , walking twords us. I brushed my hair into my face , I turned to her but she was already gone. As they got closer I could hear them banter back and forth.

“Excuse me miss may we ask you some questions”

I sat up looking up at the man who spoke.

“Hi sam”

His jaw dropped as I spoke to him , I flashed a smile , I jumped up hugging dean before reaching out offering sam a hug. He pulled me in hugging me tightly his hands rested on my lower back. I pulled away still having the smell of him fill my nose

“So what’s going on , I havent heard about any murders”

Dean spoke when sam just stood  there with a big smile across his face.

“Happend in the 80’s thinking its a wendigo who went quite”

“You guys still gotta gank it nice or not a monsters a monster right”

“Right”

Dean winked at me before sam cut in.

“So uhh whats new”

“A little this , a litte that”

I didnt tell him about ethan, I didnt need a absent father in his life Sam kept glancing at the ground then back at me.

“We ganked ruby”

“Oh im sorry ”

“Im not ,she was tricking me”

“Oh well cant trust anyone I guess”

“Ive missed you y/n”

“I miss you too sam”

His smile grew bigger.

“Maybe we can get a drink tonight and talk”

“I can’t im sorry”

“Oh you got a boyfriend or something?”

“No ”

Dean now trying to help his brother spoke now giving me his best charm.

“Why dont the three of us go get a drink and talk about getting the band back together”

“Id love to you guys but I cant”

Sam was about to protest when ethan came running from the playground.

“Mommy , mommy I caught a bug”

I picked him up sitting him on my hip.

“Let me see”

He opend his hand showing a dead cricket"

“Its dead hun”

“I know silly mommy , it was scaring lisa so I saved her , like how daddy saved you from monsters”

I kissed his cheek putting him back down , crouching down I grabbed his hand.

“Go say bye we gotta go home”

He smiled running off to say bye, I stood up sam and dean both wide eyed and speechless.  I waved my hand in front of sams face making him snap out of his trance.

“You have a a a a son?”

“Yea his names ethan”

Sam stayed speachless watching ethan run back to us.

Ethan stood by my side , gripping my pant leg tightly. Sam crouched down pulling out his fake fbi badge.

“Hi im sam”

Ethan grabbed his badge.

“Im ethan”

“Tell him your full name ethan”

ethan tucked his head into my leg before looking back at sam smiling.

“My name is Ethan Samuel Winchester”

Sams head shot up looking at me, he stood up trying to figure out what to say.                                        

“Ethan hunny dont forget your toy”

He ran back to the swings where his toy dragon sat in the sand. Sam finally spoke.

“Is he mine?”

“Yes sam , hes your son”

“When did you find out"                    

"Maybe a month and a half after I left”

“Why didnt you call?”

“Didnt think you would care”

I could see tears filling up his eyes. Ethan walked over , picking him up I gave sam and dean quick hugs before walking to my car , shaky and on the verge of tears.

*sams pov*

Dean and I just killed off the 90 year old wendigo. Dean decided we had a crazy day so the bar was the perfect place to go. We sat down at a table near the back , dean ordered 6 shots of whiskey , 3 for each , and two beers one for each. As we drank my mind kept snapping back to y/n and our son.

“Sammy?”

I snapped out of my day dream to dean cheersing me with his shot.

“So you’re a daddy sam”

“Im not a dad im just the biological father , I wasnt there for anything”

Dean downed his other two shots , so did I. He raised he hand asking for 3

More rounds. We were in the middle of our 3 or was it 5th round with jack when I finally yelled.

“Why the fuck didnt she call me dean? Ya know just be like oh hey sam im pregnant with your child just fyi or a text something”

“You told her to go sam , told her you wanted ruby , that you were cheating on her with ruby , that you wished she left , you made her feel worthless , unloved , unwanted , you were so jacked up on demon blood you didnt care when she walked out the door”

I buried my face in my hands , dean was right , it was my fault she never came back or called , I dont blame her for hiding him from me.

Dean cleared his throat.

“She clearly tells the kid about you”

I looked up at him , feeling tears build behind my eyelids.

“What?”

“She tells the kid about you I mean you didnt hear him say he saved the girl from the bug like his daddy saved her”

My heart beat hard agianst my chest. I had to see her ,tell her everything. I stood up but dean pushed me back into my seat.

“2 more rounds”

After we drank I felt the room spinning , my thoughts jumbled between y/n and ethan , and more alcohol. I walked outside feeling the cold air hit my face.

“Cas!”

I yelled when I heard the sound of wings I turned to see 3 cas’s , he spoke but I couldn’t hear him.

“T-t-t take me to y/n”

Next thing I knew I was infront of a little white house.

*y/n pov*

*BANG BANG*

I ran to the door , it was 2 am who the hell is banging at my door this late. I opened the door to find a very drunk , very sad sam.

“Sam?”

He smiled pulling me to his chest.

“Y/n!!”

I took him inside sitting him on the couch handing him a water bottle.

“Sam what are you doing here?”

“This right here ”

He patted his hands on the couch.

“Is where im meant to be”

“Sam please dont”

“Please just listen”

I sat next to him making sure we didnt touch.

“Y/n im so sorry for how I acted , for what I s s s said , ruby was a lying bitch just l l like you said. She tricked me into horrible things I never had sex with her , I never even looked at her like that , I was so junked up on demon blood that I didnt see that you were what I needed , w w what I need baby.”

I saw tears falling from his eyes now when he spoke.

“Baby you are my world , and we have a son ,  , I dont blame you for keeping him from me, but I I can’t , wont miss anymore of his life or yours , I need you back y/n , im so sorry so so so sorry”

He was now full on crying , I could tell dean had gotten him drunk so he could say how he felt. He looked back at me , his eyes blood shot and his     breath smelling of whiskey.

“He has your eyes sam”

“Really?”

“Yeah , he is just like you more and more everyday”

I felt tears falling down my face.

“Sam you can come back but you have to be here , I wont let you hurt ethan”

“I wont ever hurt eaither of you”

His hands grabbed mine pulling me to him so now I was sitting on his lap facing him. He put one of his hands on my lower back while the other rested on my cheek. He closed the gap between us his lips gently touching mine. I kissed back running my hands through his hair making the kiss deeper.

“Ive missed you so much sam”

I helped him upstairs ,letting him sleep in my bed. As I layed next to him , he wrapped his hands around my waist pulling me into his spooning me.

“Does ethan know about me?”

“Yeah he knows you and dean hunting   monsters like ghost and demons but he thinks your a superhero”

I heard his laugh as we fell asleep. I woke up before sam untangling myself from him. I walked downstairs where ethan sat watching his morning cartoons. I called him over to the kitchen sitting him in his chair I went to the frige grabbing things for pancakes.

“Mommy what’s wrong?”

Ethan looked at me smiling

“Nothing baby”

I walked away from my mixing bowl picking ethan up sitting him on my hip. Grabbing my wallet I took the picture of me sam and dean out handing it to him.

“That right there is your uncle dean , hes really brave and the tall guy thats your daddy sam he’s my hero”

Ethan smiled holding the picture, I walked into the kitchen sitting him down on the floor. I heard steps coming from upstairs.

“Ethan hun I have a surprise for you”

His head snapped up looking at me with wonder.

“What is it mommy?”

“I want you to look at that picture real close”

As he squinted his eyes , sam came down standing at the walk way into the kitchen.

“Now ethan look up”

Ethan looked up from the picture , as his eyes met sam , the biggest smile formed across his face.

“DADDY!!!”

he ran over grabbing sams legs as sam picked him up.

“Daddy your back!”

Sam hugged him tears falling down his face.  His eyes locked onto mine.

“Daddys home now ethan”

After breakfast dean came over so ethan could know his family. As sam and I did dishes his hands grabbed my hips spining me around so now I was face to face with him.

“Y/n I wanna be a family”

“We are sam”

“I wanna make it offical”

He reached into his pocket pulling out a ring.

“I know its not much but will you marry me ?”

“Yes sam oh my lord yes”

He kissed me , my hands tangled in jis hair as we parted I could hear ethan and dean.

“Ew mommy and daddy are kissing”

“I know right gross”

I smiled at sam , knowing he will always be there for ethan and I

[jos-corner-of-the-world]

Big World - {17}

{16} | Master List

The nurse immediately took the baby away while you just laid there crying. Your body felt better, there was no pain from contractions, but your heart was heavy.

“Why wasn't she crying?” You asked the doctor immediately.

“She probably needs her lungs cleared out. That can happen in any delivery, preemie or not. We're going to get you all cleaned up and your room switched and then we can talk more about the baby.

“She's beautiful.” You heard Wonwoo say.

“She is. But she's so small.” You worried.

You felt Ji pull his hand from your grip. You had honestly forgotten for a moment that he was there. You looked up at him, noticing how pale his face had gone.

“Thank you Jihoon.” You said, knowing he was going to leave the room.

He just kind of nodded his head absently before wandering out.

The doctor told Wonwoo he could go with the nurses and the baby.  He looked at you questioningly.

“Please go.” you told him sadly, wishing you could as well.

You were quiet for as long as it took the nurses and doctors to finish aftercare with you, and get your room switched over.

Jihoon stumbled into the waiting room, needing to gather himself.

“Did you get her calmed down?” Seungcheol asked.

Jihoon just nodded his head.

“Okay, so what's wrong?” he asked.

“Small. The baby is so small.” Jihoon mumbled.

“She had the baby already?” Seungcheol asked, surprised it had happened so soon.

Jihoon just nodded his head, unable to find any words.

“Is she okay? Is the baby okay?”

Again, he just nodded his head.  But then thought about it more and shook his head no.

“What? What do you mean no.” Seungcheol asked, worry in his tone.

“I mean I don't know. As soon as she was born, they took her away. She can't be more than 2 pounds. I've never seen a baby that small.”

Jihoon didn't want to voice how scared he was for the baby, so he stopped talking completely.

After a few hours, you were able to stand on your own.  You weren't really under too many restrictions since you didn't have an epidural, but your body was still goofy from the magnesium sulfate.  

You got into a wheelchair and the nurse wheeled you to a private NICU room.

“When did we get a private room?” you asked the nurse, not knowing that was part of the plan.

“Your boss called in a favor.” the nurse responded.

“My boss? Why?” That was a surprise to you.  You knew Wonwoo had called him, but you hadn’t heard anything else from or about him in three days.

“I'll let someone who knows more explain to you.” The nurse said.

A few minutes passed before Wonwoo came into the room.

“Why do you think we got a private room?” you asked him immediately.

“Well... pictures came out yesterday of me carrying you out of the hotel and you coming in to the hospital.” Wonwoo told you honestly.

“Damn it.” you muttered.  This was not how you wanted news of your pregnancy to get out to the public.

“My boss refused to put out a statement, but your boss did. He put out the drafted statement and then addended to say the baby would be born soon.  This room not only allows more privacy as a whole, but also we can stay here as long as the baby does.”

“That'll be nice.” you said, forgetting all the bad things in that moment.  You would get to spend much more time with your daughter this way.  You would never be able to repay your boss for his favor.

After a few more minutes of you and Wonwoo talking, the nurses wheeled the baby in.  She was in a clear box that had two holes in the side. You'd been told that was for skin to skin contact with the baby.

Your hand flew up to your mouth when you finally got a full look of her. She was tiny.

“She’s 14 and a half inches long and 1 pound 10 ounces.” The nurse said as she came in.

Much too small was all your mind kept repeating.

“Have you guys thought of a name yet?” The nurse asked.

You looked up at Wonwoo.

You hadn't. With as busy as he was before you had her, and stressed as you were the three days in the hospital, you hadn't thought of a name yet.

“Horrible, we're horrible.” You told him.

“No we're not. Now that we see her, a perfect name will come to mind. Just look at her.”  Wonwoo bent down next to you so you were both eye level with the baby.

You stared at your daughter’s small, prone form. She had on oxygen and a small IV, administered at the top of her head. Even though the nurse had given you a heads up, it was still hard to see.

You sat there staring at her for what seemed like hours. The rest of the world fell away and it was just the three of you there

“Dae.” you said quietly.

“What?”

“Her name. Dae. It means the great one and shining.” you said, not taking your eyes off of her.

“It's perfect.” Wonwoo said, kissing the side of your head.

Once you were feeling better, you got up to walk around for a bit. You hadn't really been out of bed much for three days and you needed to loosen up some of your muscles.

“I'll walk with you.” Wonwoo said.

“Someone needs to stay with Dae” you told him.

“They're doing vitals on her. I'll walk you to the waiting room doors. You can't leave the unit, but we can let Woozi in. He can walk with you and I'll go back in with her.”

“Okay.”

You walked with Wonwoo holding your hand, one arm around you, supporting some of your weight.

You walked to the doors and Wonwoo motioned for Ji to come in. He jumped up as soon as he saw you, coming straight towards you.

“Noona!” He said, enveloping you in a hug.  You didn’t know if it was a good thing or bad thing that you’d been hearing that word more lately.  Ji usually saved it to make you smile, knowing that you actually liked it even when you said you hated it.  You’d heard it more in the last six months than in the ten years before that.

“Thank you again Ji” you said before you let go. “I can't thank you enough for what you did for me. I know how much you must have hated it.”

“It's okay. I was worried about you. I'm glad I was there.” Ji said, meaning every word.  While seeing a baby born isn’t his ideal day, he was happy that he was able to help you in your time of need.  Plus, he hadn’t seen much that he didn’t want to.

“I'm going to head back. Want to walk the unit with her?” Wonwoo asked him.

“Sure.” he agreed easily.

Ji replaced Wonwoo, holding one hand while the other supported your back, and the two of you began walking.

“We named her Dae.” you told him after a few minutes.

“That's a beautiful name. How's she doing?” Ji asked.

“She's on oxygen and she's got an IV in her head. But the doctor says she’s doing good for how premature she was born. I’m glad I made the decision to take medicine to stop the contractions and give her some medicine.  Wonwoo freaked out a little when he heard the word heart attack, but I knew that it would be okay.”

“Heart attack?!” Ji asked, panicked.

“It’s fine.  It obviously didn’t happen.” you told him, hoping to ebb away his concern.

“How about you? What do you think about Dae’s progress?” Ji asked, trying to distract himself from the fact that his best friend could have had a heart attack.

“I think she's too small. She's not even two pounds. And they have her in this...box. It's scary and I just want to hold her and cuddle her and run away from all the problems. But I know we can't. I'm so happy to have her, but I'm so sad at the same time.” you admitted.

“I'm sorry Y/n.”

“This isn't how I pictured this happening. I know it wasn't ideal from the start, but this is even worse than my worst case scenario I was imagining.” you told him.

“What was your worst case scenario?” he asked, genuinely curious.

“Wonwoo leaving me.” you said quietly.

“What?!”

“He's so young. I know I am too, but he's younger. And you guys are so busy. I just...didn't know if he'd choose us over his career. It's shallow and shitty of me, I know, but it still crossed my mind. And then I got even more scared because the guys weren't on board with it right away, his parents detested the idea and your boss was an absolute dick about it. I thought maybe with so many people he cares about against it, he'd start to resent me and in turn the baby.”

“How do you feel now?” Ji asked, knowing the situation was much different than it was a few months ago.  The guys were on board with the idea of the baby, and his parents had decided to make an effort as well. His boss...well that was a totally different story.

“Now...now I feel like I don't deserve him. He's done the exact opposite of my fears.”

“It's because he loves you, and he loves Dae. You guys are the most important things in his life now. He's not going to let anything come between that.”  The amount of respect Jihoon felt towards Wonwoo just continued to grow everyday.

You and Ji walked a few more minutes in silence. You were growing more uncomfortable so you walked towards your room, Ji in tow.

He hesitated in the doorway.

“What's wrong?” you asked him.

“Can I go in there?” He asked.

“Yeah, we can have three visitors at a time; two if Wonwoo and I are both in there.  Do you want to meet her?” you asked him.

Just hesitated for a another moment, but nodded his head.

“Come on. Let's go meet your niece.”

{18}