#ive been reading fucking. marvel fics recently

[wooteena]

i dont even know what has gone on in the dream smp fandom for the past two weeks the only contact ive had in anything mcyt adjacent is getting vaguely dsmp anti stuff on my tiktok fyp and watching geminitay. im getting disc horse about both cphil crit and ctommy crit being ableist on my dash and i dont even care anymore i am a free man ❤️

[lcandothisallday]

Do you have any recommendations for good blogs to follow!!? You always have fantastic content so I’m tryna get some too

OMG OMG IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE! TURN IT UP🤪 since most of my content it pedro pascal related, I’ll focus on blogs revolving around him the most😂 If you would like more general ones, I can be happy to provide more as well! Pedro Pascal Content: If you’re into reading Pedro fics, I highly recommend: 1) @softpedropascal (especially if you love Frankie Morales!!)

2) @steeeeeeeviebb (I recently read her Din fic, Faculae (so fucking good) and Woman, a Javier fic that is SOO GOOD but I’ve been slacking in😭)

3) @dindjarindiaries (HIGHLY RECOMMEND for Din related fics and the pedro characters in general)

4) @longitud-de-onda (MY FAV JAVIER FICS ARE DONE BY THEM! I genuinely cannot describe how much I love their Javi fics)

5) @tintinwrites (her Poe Dameron content is why I initially fell for her blog and writing but she also began writing for the various Pedro characters and shes too fucking good)

6) @takemepedropascal (this blog is the reason why I fell in love with Pedro in the first place tbh lol) I know I have a ton more but I am blanking😭😭😭 Also in terms of more general Pedro blogs, everything on my feed blends together cos I follow so many that honestly, my reblogs of Pedro(+ characters) gifs is the best way to find a MULTITUDE of Pedro content and blogs lol

**If you would like a seperate thing for Chris Evans Content since he’s also a fav of mine and I tend to reblog a lot of content with him, then I can do one seperately. This is mainly because recently my entire feed has been JUST Pedro and I’m blanking on everything Chris/Marvel related lmao**

[penzyroamin]

34 and also 12 and 14 for the fic asks!

!!! thank u ily mj

12. have you ever written a fic and decided never to publish it? why?

oh BOY yeah. theres a variety of reasons. ive written some really intensely personal things just out of a need to vent and then immediately decided they could never see the light of day. ive written some stuff that just. wasnt as good as i wanted it to be. theres also stuff that i feel like holds up as writing but not as fic, if that makes sense? ella can testify to the fact that once i wrote a jacobs family fic where everything was just so deeply broken and far away from the source material that the characters were pretty much unrecognizable. i do still think its a good study in grief though

14. what’s the biggest change in your taste between when you started in fandom and today?

i have talked about marvel movie syndrome-- the need for Every Single Piece Of Dialogue To Be Snarky Banter. that definitely had a hold on me when i first started in fandom, and ive strayed away from it a lot now. i also just generally have... raised my standards, i guess? that sounds mean. when i was younger i just kind of wanted to read shenanigans with characters i like, and now i’m like Take Me On A Journey. Make Me Sad To Leave.

34. was there any fic that you wrote that really surprised you in the fandom reaction? was it just by the numbers or did they take it an entirely different way?

so uh. old friends will remember my fic “losing my mind because i find you in it”. if you have not read it.... please dont tbh. but at the time i was writing it i was in SUCH a shitty place mentally that i was. so fucking shocked people liked what i wrote. its only with the rise of the New Newsies Fandom that its stopped being the thing im known for, which i’m glad about because i’m a better writer now, but it also still has a place in my heart for being this thing i never realized people would comment on every chapter of and subscribe to and all that.

tied together also really surprised me! its definitely been my biggest recent hit so a) to get a lot of feedback on something again and b) to have people actually Analyzing and Looking Deeper at it blew my socks off. i think it really pushed me to make the fic the best i could make it, so thank you for that :)

also, its been really cool to see like. a hybrid newsies-gilmore-girls fandom kinda sprout up around me because of flowers, so that’s exciting!

[avengersassemble-fics]

im quite literally shaking typing this so sorry if it jumps around

this is in regards to the new post i published tonight.  a kylo x reader fic i was excited to share with you all. it was different from what i have been used to writing (marvel, happy go lucky, everyone is happy and no problems in the world yadayada) it was different and i wanted to write things that were different from when i first started this account eons ago it seems. i wanted to make this comeback in 2020 and it started with my mando piece i had began working on in november. then the anakin one followed after i rewatched revenge of the sith and rogue one (how THAT inspired it i don’t know what to tell ya).

one thing i felt i had wanted to write from now on was making my character (the reader y’know) stronger. more capable. didn’t need to always be saved. because i felt like i didn’t need to be saved anymore. i feel like im in a place in my life now that i know not only my worth, but that im important enough to be my own person and not rely on “is that guy gonna text me back” or “he really just wants me to come over to suck his dick and maybe if i do!! he’ll realize im the one!!” or just honestly sitting here just waiting for something to happen.

anyways, that didn’t make a lot of sense but it feels important to me.

i started the kylo piece a few days ago. if you know me then you know that i have not enjoyed the new trilogy. at all. every time a new movies is released i would express that in a post. it was disappointing considering i love this fucking movie franchise, but then again i know jj abrams. i saw it with the star trek reboots, and i just had that inkling when it came to these movies (but that can be discussed at a later time). the point is, i didn’t really like the new movies. recently, with the clone wars series coming out again, i have been on disney + like there is no tomorrow.. literally, locked in my room and just eating and watching these movies again. everything again. ahsoka tano is that bitch.

skip this part if you dont want spoilers for the fic i guess:

the force bond between rey and kylo was the key aspect of the thought for this fic (honestly along with the anakin one but it hadn’t happened yet so spoiler i guess). i wanted to explore what that would be like with two people, working closely together, and that resentment turning into friendship. that was my plan in my head. to have the two become friends as kylo tried to figure out why they were connected, and the reader trying to figure out what had happened to her family. the connection was supposed to bring up these memories of her life as an orphan, but before that what had happened to her family, her home, her village, and the truth behind that was going to have her leave the first order. 

that was going to be the story. unfolded slowly to really build up some kind of trust. one thing i knew i would be able to accurately portray is the fact that kylo would not just easily trust someone. it would take time

now i had never written kylo before. i honestly just kind of went off on a whim of what i thought an asshole who didn’t care about anyone would treat another person (i mean the boys ive had to deal with would really put kylo to shame fuck dude). so, he destroys things. doesn't care about who is around, doesn’t care that someone has to fix that, right? because it happened to me. no one cared about how they would treat me and how that would affect me. i had to clean myself up after that, and not feel so fucking worthless.

that’s the feeling i was going for. that’s part of the reason why i mentioned that in the fic about being a maintenance bitch. because having to repair something over and over again is aggravating. and i thought the wording was funny. i wanted the reader to come off as a cool and doesnt fucking care about what they say because they’re confident in the fact that they know what they’re saying is right. witty, cool, and not afraid of a guy who throws literal tantrums!

i think im getting off base but--

i did not write this fic thinking that within the first hour or two tafter publishing hat i would get a message from another author saying that this was similar to their work. my heart dropped when i got the notification. and low and behold, i read the first chapter of theirs and yup yeah they are pretty damn similar.

of all my years on here i really never thought that i would be sitting here in the dark, writing like a mad woman, because it looks like i blatantly copied someone else’s work. because i would never do that. i would never go and copy someone’s ideas because i know that thinking it would happen to me has plagued my mind ever since i started posting on here.

in case you were wondering, the other name of the fic is called “fix your attitude”. it was posted a few years and it is so widely popular that i can’t believe ive never seen it. by the first chapter i can tell you its great and go check it out. really, please do.

i guess im writing all this as an apology to not only that author, who is so so sweet and understanding and isn’t upset at all, but also to those who see me as a copier. i never.. god i really never thought this would happen. i guess great minds think a like..? aha? i promise i would never ever do this to anyone. and im so so sorry that it looks like i have.

i think im done for the night. again. im so sorry to those who this may have upset. and to that author. if you’re reading this im sorry again, and thank you for being so sweet.

xoxo

caitlyn

ps- the only reason im not tagging the other person is because i hate feeling like im bother people and she has enough to deal with as it is about this (hence the few people who messaged her) and my anxiety is syaing no dont do it but another part of me is saying if you don’t, thats shady you stupid bitch so here’s that.

[moonlit-imagines]

quarantine tag game !

tagged by @myriadimagines and @lotsoffandomimagines thank u lovelies !!!

Are you staying home from school/work? Both, actually. but i was already a full-time online student and i volunteered to give up all my shifts at work so that someone who pays bills can make money

If you’re staying home, who is there with you? my mom, brother, stepdad, cat, and dog

Are you a homebody? fuck yeah babey i love staying home, dont get me wrong i used to fuckin hate staying home all day but i have found that the way i lived life being busy as FUCK took a toll and now im able to do at-home projects ive wanted to do for ages

An event that you were looking forward that got cancelled? we cancelled my trip to michigan on spring break, which i was sort of glad abt but also i miss my grandma

What movies have you watched recently? today my parents had me watch detective pikachu, lego movie 2, and inception. i have been watching marvel movies and star wars movies way too fuckin much

What shows are you watching? Harley Quinn, wanna finish Gotham, kinda wanna watch AHS (should i?)

What music are you listening to? its a mix between rock/metal and pop/indie catch my jammin or catch me cryin you’ll never guess which i’ll be doing what to

What are you reading? shit ive been reading the fics i post at 4am stunned that i had to many typos and still managed to get notes

What are you doing for self-care? huh

half of yall have probably been tagged but tagging @alwaysananglophile @clarkimagines @emcon-imagines @imaginesbymk @swanimagines @multifandomwriter121 and thats all i can remember oopsie daisy

[maih-em]

thank you @dragonslover98 for tagging me to answer these questions :)

🌿 Favourite comfort food- whenever i’ve had a long day i just crave unimaginable amounts of sugar so probably a lazy version of raw cookie dough i.e. just flour sugar and butter in a bowl while im sitting under a blanket.

🌼 Favourite alcohol (or hot drink!)- i love Pimms (mostly because u get a fruit salad at the bottom and because of the intense Summer Vibes) and also amaretto.

🌷 Favourite relaxing activity- just sitting in bet tbh. Or doing makeup which I find very therapeutic. 

🌸 Favourite fluffy/feel-good fic- oh i had to really wrack my brains for this and it was really hard not to pick like a million but my go-to AO3 fics are 1969 by novelteas / @petersjakes, cigarette break by guardianoffun / @lieutenantmalcolmreed (pretty sure this was the first jarse fic i ever read??) and most recently out of line by @ladyaj-13

🌻 Favourite calming scent- Vanilla or basically any baked thing, especially scones.

🌺 Favourite relaxing (or uplifting) song- for uplifting atm it would be it keeps us dancing by the family crest, and for relaxing i’d say the kate rusby cover of village green preservation society (because it makes me feel like im 7 years old in my old kitchen again)

🌵 Favourite white noise- film soundtracks especially of things like marvel movies (although they sometimes make me too emotional haha) and also I adore watching baumgartner fine art restoration videos

🍄 Favourite book to get lost in- the history boys or parsnips, buttered by joe lycett, which are books ive read loads of times so it doesn’t feel as much of a commitment to start reading them.

💐 Favourite chill-out TV show- atm it’s the thick of itor friday night dinner or maybe bake off?

🌹 The best advice you’ve ever had- i really can’t think of any advice i’ve been given personally, but the best advice i’ve given to myself is It Is Not Your Fucking Job to solve everyone’s problems and also stop overthinking things some stuff just comes naturally.

idk who’s already been tagged and i’m tired so hello if you are reading this i have officially tagged you

[writinggeisha]

LazyGeisha's Note: I'm putting the text under the "read more" due to explicit words being used. If this post becomes a problem, I'll stick it all up on Google docs and post a link.

**Updated in 2017**

My name is Quinn Anderson, and I've been writing smut for over ten years now. I'm also a published author. I've written the Murmur Inc. series and several other LGBT+ erotic novels, which you can find in the references section, and I've been an active member of fandom since childhood. Now that my entirely unimpressive credentials are out of the way, let's get to the point.

·                     A friend of mine recently told me that she has difficulty writing smut, because she feels like she's being repetitive or boring or that she just can't create the right mood. To help her, I agreed to put together what I consider to be the building blocks of writing erotic fiction, both heterosexual and homosexual. This is a comprehensive list that she (and now all of you) can consult when you're writing if you can't think of a word/feel like you've said the same thing over and over/just want to get some fresh ideas.

·                     This article is free for everyone to consult, and there's absolutely no need to credit me if you use something from this list. Most everything on here is fairly common, and an experienced smut writer will likely recognise everything here. I've attempted to categorise it neatly for easy reference, and some things are mentioned in more than one section because they are equally applicable. I also have a tendency to switch tenses/perspectives, depending on the wording, so hopefully that won't annoy the dickens out of most of you. If you think of something I missed and want me to add it to the list, please don't hesitate to leave a comment.

·                     Disclaimer: I am no way trying to give the impression that I know everything there is to know about writing smut. Literotica is an ever-evolving beast, and I just want to help my fellow writers. I give some general advice at the end that you're absolutely free to ignore. I'm not trying to suggest that anyone who does the things I warn against is a bad writer, nor am I attempting to criticise anyone (except perhaps E.L. James. We'll get to that). If I at any point give that impression, please let me know, and I'll change my wording. However, please keep in mind that this is a FREE resource intended to help others, and I'm under no obligation to anyone but myself.

All further notes/comment from me will either be in parenthesis or marked with an *.

Table of Contents

(to reach any section, use the control and f keys, then search for the heading)

i. Introduction

ii. Reaction Words

iii. Adverbs

iv. Sexy Alternatives to "Said"

v. Generally Sexy Actions

vi. Kissing

vii. Blow Jobs

viii. Cunnilingus

ix. Penetrative Intercourse

x. First Times and Losing Virginities

xi. The Orgasm (.:chorus of angels:.)

xii. Generally Acceptable Slang Terms

xiii. Feelings When Aroused

xiv. Sexy Words

xv. Things that Sound Good Until You Imagine Someone Actually Doing Them

xvi. Some Dos and Don'ts of Smut Writing

xvii. References

i. Introduction

If you read/write fan fiction for long enough, certain ideas, tropes, and terms will get ingrained in you. For instance, in nearly every fic I've ever read, when characters kiss, one of them gasps, and the other "uses the opportunity to slip their tongue into their mouth" or some nigh-identical variation. Also, in nearly every porn fic, when one character orgasms, the "feel of their muscles clenching/pulsing" pushes the other character "over the edge." Sound familiar? We've all done it. We've all written it. Hell, I'm guilty of half the things on my Don'ts list, and I'm comfortable with that. Does the ubiquity of certain fan-fictiony phrases make them bad? Not at all. Should we all be trying to find new ways of saying the same ideas? Maybe. Maybe not. I like to think that these classics are simply one of the steps we all use to convey certain ideas in a way we know everyone will understand. I'm not attempting to denounce creativity, and certainly it's always a good idea to introduce new ideas, but we all need to start somewhere. That's the true purpose of this smut-writing guide.

When my debut novel was published, I had a lot of fan fiction habits violently beaten out of me. I had to remove about a dozen adjectives for "eyes" that bordered on absurd but seemed like a marvellous idea at the time, and I was forbidden on pain of death to ever use the phrase "ministrations" again. I also unwittingly changed my main character's name from "Nik" to "Nick" halfway through the novel. That, however, was not the worst of it. Let me tell you that there is nothing more embarrassing than going through your raw manuscript, reaching a sex scene and seeing that the editors ripped the ever-loving piss out of it. Having the anatomical impossibilities of your seemingly mind-blowing smut pointed out is enough to make even the most hardened of hard-core-porn writers cringe. It's even worse when you misspell the word "public" in a truly unfortunate way (hint: I forgot a letter), and it leads the editor to say, "This made me laugh so hard, my cat got up and sprinted out the room in a panic." I'm not here to do that to you. I'm here to try and keep someone else from doing it to you to the very best of my ability. Enjoy, and may the smut be with you.

ii. Reaction Words

·                     Shivers

·                     Shudders

·                     Trembles

·                     Quivers

·                     Quakes

·                     Shakes

·                     Gasps

·                     Moans

·                     Groans

·                     Jolts

·                     Jerks

·                     Lurches

·                     Startles

·                     Pants

·                     Huffs

·                     Gulps

·                     Cries out

·                     Melts

·                     Bites back a moan

·                     Breath hitches

·                     Babbling/sputtering

·                     Collapsing

·                     Knees buckling

·                     Swallowing hard

·                     Going limp

·                     See stars

·                     Makes a strangled noise

·                     Inhales (combine with an adverb i.e "he inhaled sharply")

·                     Exhales

·                     Skin prickles

·                     Brain short-circuits or stops functioning

·                     Sweating (there's loads to be done with sweat: the musky smell of it, tasting the saltiness of it, seeing a lover coated in a thin sheen of it, having it slick their bodies, etc.)

·                     Flushing (Flushing tends to happen in fleshy and sensitive areas. Armpits, cheeks, neck, ears, chest, genitals, and whole-body flushes for maximum effect)

·                     Eyes roll back

·                     Clenches

·                     Is stunned

·                     Gagging for it

·                     Dizzy for it

·                     Arch back/hips

·                     iii. Adverbs - Use these with prudence. An abundance of adverbs in a text can weaken your writing.

·                     Shakily

·                     Heatedly

·                     Desperately

·                     Incoherently

·                     Roughly

·                     Raggedly

·                     Headily

·                     Readily

·                     In a Needy way

·                     Deeply

·                     Breathily

·                     Noisily

·                     Loudly

·                     Heavily

·                     Dangerously

·                     Seductively

·                     Languidly

·                     Lazily

·                     Sensually

·                     Silkily

·                     Oily

·                     Hungrily

·                     Sinfully

·                     Darkly

·                     Warmly

·                     Softly

·                     Gently

·                     Tenderly

·                     Harshly

·                     Lusciously

·                     Quickly

·                     Slowly

·                     Frantically

·                     Wantonly

·                     iv. Sexy Alternatives to "Said"

·                     Purred

·                     Cooed

·                     Murmured

·                     Whispered

·                     Stuttered

·                     Breathed

·                     Rasped

·                     Cried out

·                     Begged

·                     Muttered (I'm not a fan of this one because I associate muttering with being angry, but I see it often enough)

·                     Growled

·                     Grunted

·                     Husked

·                     Howled

·                     Keened

·                     Mewled

·                     Choked

·                     Sobbed (dub-con warnings; use with caution)

·                     Whimpered

·                     Blurted

·                     Bleated (I like to use this for comedic effect)

·                     Teased

·                     Pleaded

·                     v. Generally Sexy Actions

·                     Sinking to their knees

·                     Licking

·                     Biting

·                     Nipping

·                     Pressing foreheads together

·                     Shoving a hand between someone's legs

·                     Shoving your hips together

·                     Pinning their wrists

·                     Caress

·                     Wink

·                     Wet/lick lips

·                     Hike a skirt up/ruck a shirt up

·                     Stroke (skin, hair, genitals, etc.)

·                     (when one character is pressed against a wall) A does something, and B slams/throws their head back into the wall in reaction.

·                     Undoing buttons/zips with their teeth (I suggest only having experienced lovers do this. It's remarkably difficult and you run the risk of getting your lip caught in a zip. It's not something to have a virgin get right on their first time in fiction if you want to be believable).

·                     Splay hands across someone's chest or lower back

·                     Rake nails across skin/through hair

·                     Hooking a leg around someone's waist

·                     Knee between thighs

·                     Biting collarbones/hip bones/ribs (the bones that tend to protrude beneath the skin and draw it taut)

·                     Sucking neck skin into the mouth

·                     Cupping their cheeks

·                     Grasping their chin and tilting it up/down

·                     Placing a finger against their lips

·                     Letting breath tickle their ears

·                     Digging your nails in

·                     Dipping your tongue into collarbone/bellybutton/ears/etc.

·                     Tugging on earlobes with teeth

·                     Push their hair back/card through it/rake through it

·                     Hair pulling

·                     Lips brushing ears

·                     Ghosting over their neck with fingers/lips

·                     Running fingers lightly over someone's palm or wrist

·                     Hip grinding/rutting/thrusting/rolling/shifting/rockin g together

·                     Dirty Talk (this can be anything from a simple "Oh, God, yes" to a full-on "I want to feel your name burning on my skin for days*." I suggest loads of cursing and using the lord's name in vain. "Oh fuck, oh, Jesus, fuck yes, there, just like that, fucking Christ" is a good start.)

·                     Nipple play (Use caution depending on gender. Some men love it, some hate it, the majority of women love it)

·                     Nuzzle

·                     Tease/torture/torment

·                     *Credit for that line to a Sherlock/Moriarty fic called "Crescendo" by PlainJaneDoe. It's amazing and a prime example of dirty talk. 10/10 Highly recommend. It's listed in the References section.

·                     vi. Kissing

·                     Lip play – biting, running your tongue over the lips, over where they meet, just inside of them, tracing their outline with the tip of the tongue

·                     Massaging the tongues together

·                     Rolling them over each other

·                     Imitating sex/fucking the person's mouth with your tongue

·                     Brushing lips together

·                     Pausing when lips are just barely touching and breathing each other's air (can cause dizziness akin to sexual arousal)

·                     Sucking their bottom lip into your mouth

·                     Bruising/crushing/kissing hard

·                     Teeth clicking

·                     Sucking on the tongue

·                     Swirling your tongue around theirs

·                     Flicking your tongue (also for oral sex)

·                     vii. Blow Jobs

·                     Reddened lips

·                     Swollen lips

·                     Slick

·                     Sloppy

·                     Lips darkened and wet with saliva

·                     Making eye contact

·                     Hollowing cheeks

·                     Swirling tongue

·                     Gently, gently biting or scraping teeth (quickest way to make a man cringe is to mention biting his thing, so please exercise with caution)

·                     Dipping tongue into the slit

·                     Fucking someone's mouth (for the receiver of oral)

·                     Deep throating (for experienced lovers, usually)

·                     Playing with balls

·                     Rubbing the perineum* or frenulum**

·                     Swallowing around it

·                     Engulfed in wet heat

·                     Pulling the foreskin back to expose the head

·                     Using hands and lips together

·                     Suction

·                     Pressure

·                     * The perineum is an erogenous zone for both males and females. In males it's the stretch of skin between the balls and the anus, which is receptive to massage. In females, it's the area between the vulva and the anus.

·                     ** The frenulum is a band of tissue under the penis that connects to the foreskin, which some men find sensitive.

·                     And then just for general knowledge, the glans is the head of the penis, or head.

·                     viii. Cunilingus (Female Oral Sex)

·                     Lapping

·                     Playing with the woman's wetness/juices

·                     Fingering (make note of finger nail length. Long fingernails need to be careful)

·                     Parting the lips

·                     Flicking your tongue

·                     Flower comparisons (these are an old cliché, but you can refresh it a bit if you avoid the usual)

·                     Fleshy pink (red and occasionally purple are also acceptable colour comparisons)

·                     Delving the tongue in

·                     Playing with the inner thing

·                     Using synonyms for the clitoris should be done with caution. Some like "button" and "nub" are commonly accepted, but if you say "pleasure button" or "Southern nipple", you may get some sniggers.

·                     ix. Intercourse (Anal* and Vaginal**)

·                     Sinking into someone/down onto a cock

·                     Riding – descriptions of bouncing breasts for females, working thigh muscles for both, watching the man's cock disappear into their body

·                     Pulling hips down harder

·                     Digging fingers into their shoulders/chest/hips/back

·                     Setting a pace/rhythm – losing that rhythm as climax approaches

·                     Getting seated

·                     Buried in a person

·                     Snapping/slamming/pounding hips

* There's a LOT of debate about the "proper" amount of preparation needed before anal sex. Some people insist you can just go for it, while others (myself included), think those people are ruining anal sex for everyone else. I've had loads of female-identifying friends of mine say they tried anal once and hated it and will never do it again. This is almost the result of people who don't know what the hell they're doing. IF YOU'RE READING THIS, STOP IT. STOP PUTTING DICKS AND SEX TOYS IN THINGS WITHOUT LEARNING TO DO IT PROPERLY. DO A DAMN GOOGLE SEARCH ON HOW TO PREPARE FOR ANAL.

I could write a whole article on this alone, but for the sake of brevity, I'll break it down: before anal, 1) you need to clean out your ass, 2) you need to use lube, and 3) some people say you need to get your ass used to taking penis-sized objects. Personally, I think fingering/rimming will do just fine, but literally everyone has a different opinion on this. On a personal note, I think writing preparation (lubing up, fingering, etc.) can be really hot. I'm not sure why people shy away from them, thinking that it "kills the mood." Just deciding who does the preparing can be hot. Does Person A prepare Person B for hours, until they're begging for it? Or just until they can take it without being hurt because they're so desperate to fuck? Or does Person B insist on preparing themselves, letting Person A sit back and watch them finger themselves? There are all sorts of sexy possibilities.

Also, let's talk about appropriate lube. I have read some absolutely horrific fics where people used inappropriate, unsanitary things as lube. Butter is not lube. Soy Sauce is not lube. Candle Wax is not lube. No, I am not kidding when I say I have actually seen these things in fic. Please don't do that to the characters. Some of us love them deeply.

** It's important to note that both the G-spot and the clit are involved in female orgasm (and are tied to one another. Stimulating the G-spot stimulates the clit), so a number of women like to stimulate their clit while having penetrative sex to facilitate an easier climax. You can add this for a bit of extra realism—or just for the sexiness of it (Blythe, M. J., Rosenthal, S. L., & American Academy of Pediatrics, 2007, pp. 1335-1337).

It is also important to decide if you are going to mention safe sex practices in your fic (you should do this for oral sex as well, since you're just as likely to get STIs from oral sex as penetrative, though you can't get pregnant). I'm personally in favour of mentioning getting checked for STIs and using condoms in fic. I think it's important to mention these things so people start thinking about them/recognising the issues of unplanned pregnancy and disease. However, the counterargument is that this is fantasy, and obviously fictional characters can't get pregnant or diseased without the author writing it. It's up to you, but in the interest of realism, I highly suggest you at least have the characters have a conversation about why they're not using condoms, such as "Here's my bloodwork. I'm STI free. By the way, I'm on the pill." Not that flippant, obviously, but hopefully you get what I mean.

x. Writing First Times and Losing Virginities

First Times can be a mixed bag. Sometimes they're pure, animalistic, I-must-throw-you-down-and-fuck-you-right-now humping sessions, and other times they're slow, tender bouts of lovemaking between two characters who have been building up to this moment for 356 pages. Either way, they can go horribly awry. It will be more realistic if the characters fumble a bit or spend time learning each other's bodies. No one is magically endowed with a perfect knowledge of their partner's sexual likes and dislikes, so let your characters experiment. Have fun with it. Whether you go for the hard fuck or the candlelit seduction, a first time should have a sense of reverence, if not in canon than in your writing. Draw it out. Don't be shy with the foreplay. Have someone come too early and then spend their refractory period ruthlessly pleasuring the other until they're ready for round two. You really can't go wrong.

For vaginal sex, if the woman is a virgin, please refrain from pulling a Fifty Shades of Grey and expecting there to be anything as ridiculous as a "weird, pinching sensation deep inside [you]", and it is not possible for someone to "rip through [your] virginity" (James, 2011, p. 101). Also, for the love of God, if you ever make your characters feel anything of the sort, do not have them shout "Argh!" as it happens. I've never face-palmed so hard in my life. Losing your virginity can hurt, yes, and there can be blood and the breaking of the hymen, but if you are properly lubricated and take your time, there is no reason for these things to occur (Brion-Meisels, S., Lowenheim, G., Rendeiro, B., 1982, p. 157).

- For anal sex, if you think a character can take a 12-inch cock with minimal preparation on the first go and experience nothing but soul-sizzling pleasure, you are mistaken. See "Intercourse."

·                     xi. The Orgasm

·                     The Earth stops spinning/stutters on its axis

·                     Dissolve into pleasure

·                     Lightning

·                     Electricity

·                     Waves (overdone, but you can jazz this one up if you try – i.e. waves of fire instead of the usual)

·                     Explosions

·                     Shockwaves

·                     Rippling

·                     Trails of fire

·                     Fire pooling low in their abdomen

·                     A spring coiling tightly and then being release

·                     Fireworks (please only use this sparingly. It's the oldest term for kissing/pleasure/etc. in history)

·                     Light – white light in particular, or everything cutting to white noise

·                     Vision fading to black

·                     Static

·                     Shattering

·                     Splintering

·                     Pulsing (also feeling someone pulse whilst inside them)

·                     Time slows

·                     Falling

·                     Flying

·                     Rocketing

·                     Going still/tense

·                     Jerking

·                     Vocalisation in any form

·                     Moaning a mixture of curse words and their lover's name

·                     xii. Generally Acceptable Slang Terms*

·                     Clit

·                     G-spot

·                     Cock

·                     Dick

·                     Prick and Fanny for the Anglophiles (penis and vagina)

·                     Slit (male and female)

·                     Entrance

·                     If you want to channel your inner porn star you can say cunt, pussy and hole.

Cum or come (I have seen ragging debates about which one of these should be used, but really it's either)

* There are some slang terms that are generally accepted but should be used with a grain of salt. These usually have to do with genitalia, like saying shaft, rod, manhood etc. for penis and mound, core, cave, tunnel etc. for vagina. It's sort of an odd line, because using clinical terms like penis in fiction can be just as jarring as using vague terms like cavern for vagina. It took me until I was 19 to finally say the word "cock" in fan fiction, and I still sometimes default to the softer "erection." Go with what you're comfortable with, but keep your audience in mind. This also applies for things like semen and vaginal lubrication. There's no need to use creative terms for those things. I've seen the term "spunk trumpet" used, and I may never recover.

·                     xiii. Feelings when Aroused

·                     Feeling hazy

·                     Drunk

·                     Intoxicated

·                     Heady

·                     Fuzzy

·                     Dizzy

·                     Dazed

·                     Breathless

·                     Heart pounding/racing/stuttering/skipping

·                     Blood buzzing/roaring in ears

·                     Hot (and all obvious synonyms – warm, burning, smouldering, scorching, blazing etc. These are particularly good for describing eyes. i.e. "The moment their gaze met, her eyes blazed")

·                     Shaky

·                     Overwhelmed (a bit dub-con, so use with caution)

·                     Light

·                     Light-headed

·                     Fumbling

·                     Drowning in pleasure

·                     Burst

·                     Combust

·                     Sizzling

·                     Sparking

·                     Crackling

·                     Fiery

·                     Teeming

·                     Searing

·                     Passion

·                     Ecstasy

·                     Bliss

·                     Pleasure

·                     xiv. Sexy Words

·                     Dark

·                     Sinful

·                     Carnal

·                     Lithe

·                     Lissom

·                     Supine

·                     Wanton

·                     Animalistic

·                     Unadulterated

·                     Undulate

·                     Lust

·                     Want

·                     Need

·                     Velvet/Satin/Lace/Silk

·                     Hunger

·                     Burn

·                     Wet noises/slick/liquid/squelch

·                     Frenzy

·                     Frantic

·                     Frenetic

·                     Desire

·                     Heat

·                     Arousal

·                     Adrenaline

·                     Clenched

·                     Intensity/intense

·                     Intoxicate

·                     Flutter

·                     Strip

·                     Sluice

·                     Tease

·                     Spark

·                     Ignite

·                     Ride

·                     Friction

·                     Frisson

·                     Flicked

·                     Sinuous/sinewy/willowy

·                     Lilting

·                     Sonorous

·                     Rumbling

·                     Sweet

·                     Slide

·                     Frustration

·                     Squeeze

·                     Press

·                     Torturous

·                     Massage

·                     Pressure

·                     Tightening

·                     Possessive

·                     Raucous

·                     Cacophonic

·                     Harmony

·                     Taut

·                     Tension

xv. Things that Sound Good Until You Imagine Someone Actually Doing Them

- Shaking their head to clear their thoughts. Think of a wet dog drying itself off. That is what this would look like.

- Rolling their eyes back into their head. All I think of is The Exorcist.

- Having their mouth pop open in surprise. Unless something really, really surprising has just happened, this should not.

- Someone speaking in a way that their tongue seems to "caress your skin/name." This makes me again think of a dog slobbering all over someone, or else they're wearing a name tag and that person is literally licking it.

- Spending several minutes staring after someone who's left the room. Seconds, sure. Minutes? Um, no. I want you to go to any public place in the world and stare forward with a catatonic look on your face for several minutes. Count how long it takes for someone to ask you if you're all right, assuming that they don't just call for an ambulance to begin with.

- Rocking back and forth happily. Again, try doing this in public and see what happens (Parkins, 2012).

- Any and all entirely orchestrated moves, such as a character whipping their glasses off angrily or stroking their beard whilst thinking. No one actually does those things; we just see them in films and add them into our writing to convey outdated mannerisms.

xvi. Some Do's and Don'ts of Smut Writing

It's easy to get carried away when writing smut or to get self-conscious and end up writing something that sounds like your mum was looking over your shoulder the whole time. Remember to relax and just do what feels right. If the scene makes you feel hot, it'll probably do the same to your readers. But just in case, here are a few fan fiction pitfalls and tips.

Do describe how your characters are reacting/feeling in detail. There's a time and a place for quiet, controlled sex, and it's usually when your characters are in a public place and might get caught. Otherwise, feel free to have them grunting like beasts and throwing furniture about. Expressive sex is rarely viewed as a bad thing.

Don't be afraid to be realistic. Not all sex is magical, perfect, orgasmic sex where both characters are Porn Star-level Sex Gods who climax at precisely the same time. It can be messy, it can be sloppy, the friction can be too much, it can be painful and the characters can make embarrassing noises. A level of realism can actually make the sex hotter as opposed to spoiling the mood.

Do take that advice up there ^- with a grain of salt. Most people do like for their fantasy sex to be just that: a fantasy. You can use realism to advance the plot line (such as having two characters get walked in on when they didn't bother to lock the door), or you can use it for too much realism, like having someone accidentally burp while kissing their lover. Things like the latter example do happen in real life, and you're welcome to include them, but doing something like that in the middle of a sex scene for no reason can kill your audience's boner.

Don't feel the need to equate dirty talk with name calling or degradation. I read loads of fic when I was younger where characters would call each other sluts and whores when it wasn't a humiliation kink fic, and they were in a monogamous, loving relationship. Humiliation kinks are perfectly fine, but if you're not writing that sort of fic, you don't necessarily need to have one character call the other one a dirty slut just for the sake of doing it. "Oh yes, take my cock, you filthy whore" can be hot in the right circumstances, but if it's in the middle of 'regular' sex, it seems out of place. On a personal note, if a man or woman called me a filthy whore during non-roleplaying sex, I'd burn their clothes in my back garden and then turn them out. Sex is not something you should be made to feel ashamed of unnecessarily.

Do use metaphor (with caution). Comparing the sexual tension between two characters to a string drawn taut or crackling electricity is perfectly fine. Comparing someone's arsehole to the dark, unexplored stretches of an Amazon jungle is probably going to get you put on wtffanfiction. However, metaphor is one of the most honoured traditions of smut writing, from the crashing waves of the orgasm to the pert, pink buds of a fair maiden's nipples. Use it wisely and regularly.

Don't say that one of your character's voices jumped or dropped several octaves. That is a personal pet peeve of mine, and I see it in fiction all the time. The average human vocal range is one and a half octaves. A trained singer can reach two or three, and at four octaves, Freddie Mercury's voice was considered so exceptional, it's widely believed that very few people can properly sing his songs. Do not say your character's voice lowered several (i.e. three or more) octaves unless they went from a high soprano to a pitch only elephants can hear (Parkins, 2012, Kindle Location 393). This obviously does not apply to characters who aren't human. You're welcome to say their voice dropped an octave, however.

Do make sure that what you're writing is anatomically possible. For example, during gay intercourse where two males are face-to-face, the one who is receiving needs to have their hips at a relatively high angle because the arsehole is further back than a vaginal entrance. During straight sex, if a woman is twisting around to look at a man who's taking her from behind, don't have her go to such a degree that she should theoretically crack her spine. When writing things like this, imagine doing them yourself (or better yet, try to do them). If you can't manage it, chances are your characters can't either.

Don't use epithets if you can avoid it. Epithets are other ways of referring to someone, such as saying "the blonde" or "the shorter man". These are incredibly popular in fan fiction, but publishers will make you remove them (Trust me, my novel had 157 corrections of this sort alone). This can be quite difficult to avoid if you're writing male-on-male or female-on-female porn, since you can end up with a sentence like, "He pulled his hands above his head and drew his body up until he was a long, sinewy line" that leave you thinking, "Who the hell did what to who?" The trick here is to use their names and pronouns interchangeably, so you get, "Nik pulled Seth's hands above his head and drew his body up until it was a long, sinewy line."

Do get a trusted friend or beta to read over your work for you. There's no shame in using a beta; it's just like having an editor go over a manuscript. They'll tell you if you made any unfortunate typos (like mine. See "Introduction") or if something seems implausible. Be open to constructive criticism, though if anyone is unnecessarily or mean-spiritedly critical, send them my way, and I'll shove a virtual boot up their arse.

Don't use words without making sure you know what they mean. For example, loads of people are under the impression that "bemused" means "amused." It means "confused." Nonplussed" can mean surprised or not surprised at all, inflammable and flammable both mean easy to set on fire, nauseous means you're making everyone about you feel sick, droll does not mean dull—it means curious in a way that incites wry amusement, and "all right" is two words. Alright is not all right. Unique means literally one of a kind. Something cannot be "quite unique." It's either a golden flamingo or it's not (Clark, 2012, p. 3).