#ive been making bad decisions in terms of movies recently

[bluejay-rookie]

I can't believe I just cried while watching the Lego Ninjago movie 💀

Wtf man, I just wanted to see the tiktok meme

[aperrywilliams]

I don’t know you anymore/Part V (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

(Not my gif!)

Masterlist

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V

———————

Summary: Reader and Spencer have a lot to talk about (maybe not just talk...)

Word Count: 4282.

Rating: Mature. Angst. Smut. (Hope in the end?)

Warnings: Penetrative sex, cursing.

A/N: This is Part V (and final) of “I don’t know you anymore”. Thanks to everyone who took time to read it. You mean a lot for me!

——————–

We can go sit on your back porch Relax Talk about anything It don't matter I'll be courageous if you can pretend That you've forgiven me

The shock of recent events kept me awake. It was almost impossible not close my eyes and see me in the interrogation room. To see how Gabriel pointed his gun at me. To listen the body of Hunter dropping to the floor. To see Gabriel killed by a bullet fired by Spencer. To see Spencer after more than a year. Much to process. My life had taken a dramatic turn in hours. And there I was, lying on a hotel bed, with my back to the ceiling. What should I do?, was worth staying in Philadelphia?, had I the energy to start again elsewhere? .Whatever I must to decide, there was something kept bothering me: why did Spencer has to be here? By now he should have realized I didn’t "move" much this year. He did it? The things Spencer told me hours before made me speculate some things about 'us' still live in him. Or at least it was my wish. I felt bad. Hunter didn’t deserve my love for him like something functional to try to forget Reid. It was unfair. And now he was dead. My life was turning into a terrible gore movie. I hated that feeling.

My eyes were heavy, but it was impossible to fall asleep. I was tossing and turning. Would it be better to leave Philadelphia? Maybe what I said to Spencer about trying luck in Chicago might be a good idea. Start over. Again. Although something told me I had never started again. I felt still trapped in the feelings that made me flee DC more than one year ago.

In the talk of a few hours before I felt again how there was some habitual between us. As if there were things we never forgot about each other. It felt strangely good. And although neither knew exactly what had happened in the other's life - or at least I didn't - my heart was telling me the essence I loved most about Spencer was there. But it was not an option. I had already made that decision over a year ago. I couldn't back down. There were reasons to end our relationship and it wasn't a whim. I think he also finally understood.

It had to be strong. As much as I wanted to feel his comforting hug again, it wasn't right. I didn't want him to misinterpret my gratitude. Now, was it gratitude I felt at the time? The heat running through my body told me a different story. I miss him. Not a day went by I didn't miss him and want him with me. When I thought I had stopped loving Spencer Reid it was obvious I don't.

We had already tried and it didn’t work. Why should it be different this time?. Maybe it's necessary to give a final closure to this. It's a torture to think of all the "what ifs" possible. I had to let him go. I have to close every window could give us any hope. This had to be done once and for all.

I got out of bed, put on a jacket, and went downstairs to Spencer's room. What was I going to say to him at this hour of night I couldn't do in the morning? I didn’t know. I just knew I need to free that feeling stuck in my chest. I knocked gently on the door twice. Hoped he was awake. If he didn't open the door then I would go back to my room. I wasn’t going to insist. It didn't take more than a couple of minutes when I felt the door open and see Spencer looking at me with concern. He asked me if I was okay or if something was wrong. I wasn’t able to say a word. I just let my body speak for me. I got close enough to rise on my feet and catch his lips. What was I thinking? Probably in a farewell.

Would he be thinking the same thing? It was likely, since while we were kissing he took me by the waist and pulled me into the room, closing the door. How I missed those lips. I felt in a dream, guilty, but in a dream after all. My hands couldn't stay still, my fingers were lost in his soft hair, at the base of his neck, on his shoulders, on his face. I held on as much as I could to him so he wouldn't let me go. Feeling his breath so close to my face again brought me back to the best memories of our life together. Why is so difficult to let this man go?

When Spencer pulled back to look at me, his hands were still on my waist, a sign he didn't want to let me go either.

"(Y/N)..." he tried to speak but I cut him off immediately.

"Shhhh... don’t. You don't have to say anything. I just came to say goodbye…”. I said trying to find his lips again.

"No, I... I need to tell you..." without wanting to stop kissing me, he struggled to get words out of his mouth.

"I don’t want to know. Please don't say anything… just… let me have you one more time, ok?”. I just needed to be with him. I didn’t want to argue. I didn't want to question anything. I just needed him. Tomorrow I would see what to do. I just wanted to feel him one more time. My hands began to search for his skin under the shirt he wore, pulling to remove it from his body. He just released my waist to raise his arms and take the garment out. I dropped my jacket to the floor. Taking my waist again, he pushed me back until my back collided with one of the walls of the room. His mouth began to search my neck while with his fingers he unbuttoned the top of my pajamas and dropped it to the floor. Moans came from both of us. As my nails ripped at the skin on his arms, Spencer was anxious about leaving marks on my skin with his mouth and teeth, drowning out his moans and dropping loose phrases along with my name. I also couldn't help but empty part of my head into words.

"(Y/N)... I missed you so much..."

"Please Spencer... take me... I need you..."

"All these months... I’ve never... left..."

"Neither do I…"

"I’ll never let you go again... I promise..." I don't know if my head was playing tricks on me, but hearing his words gave me a false sense of 'reconciliation'. I knew it wasn’t possible. I pushed those thoughts away from my head and concentrated on his caresses. It's as it should be. Looking for his lips again, I began to push him gently towards the bed, where he dropped down leaning on his forearms, watching as I  removed my pants and straddle him, but not before taking out his own pants, letting them fall to the floor.

There were things I hadn't forgotten about our intimacy, and one of them was what parts of Spencer’s body did I need to stroke and kiss to turn him on. I could see this had not changed in these months. His needy moans were the signal I needed to go along.

Being with his hands free while I straddling him, Spencer started squeezing my breasts. If I had to say what kind of man Spencer Reid was in terms of taste, clearly he is a man of breasts instead bottom. His eyes delighted at the sight, as my hands traced lines across his chest. He took my wrists and pulled me to him to catch me in a deep kiss. As if he wanted to suppress his words in those actions. In whispers some phrases escaped from his mouth.

"Do you want this?... do you want to ride me?... if that's you want, take it. Take everything you want from me. Tonight I want to please you for all the nights we haven't been together…” . I didn't need more. I adjusted my knees between his waist and aligned my entrance with his cock. Without warning I began to sink into him, letting out moans of pleasure as I felt him more and more.

"Fuck Spencer..." was all I could say before completely sinking. He let out a gasp as he felt inside me.

"(Y/N) you take it so good... I missed this so much... you do it so good...". That said, he started moving up his hips to feel more intensely how our bodies were rubbing together. If I had not forgotten how I should to touch him to turned on, he hadn’t forgotten what to do to make me feel this good. My moans were mixed with gasps that didn’t stop our movements. His hands on my hips helped me keep my pace and stability as I arched my back and dropped my head back. The movement became more frantic each time, I could see how Spencer tried to keep his eyes open and fixed on me. I also tried to keep my eyes on him even though was more difficult as I getting closer to my orgasm.

“(Y/N), baby… you feel so good. You make me feel so good. Yes, do it like this, take it, come on... take it all... I love you baby, I love you so much... I’ll never let you go again...". I connected those words to the excitement of the moment, but I couldn't help but remember the first time we had sex after Spencer was released from prison. It was very much like this moment. Both needy, both in love, both missing the other, both making promises about the future. But I didn't want to think about it. Not now. That little distraction was enough to keep me from realizing when I was now flat on my back on the mattress and Spencer began to thrusting me strongly, taking my hands over my head. The feeling was so pleasant I couldn't keep my eyes open. He kept talking to me between moans and gasps.

“(Y/N)… look at me, let me see your eyes. Please…". With effort I opened my eyes and looked directly at him. I could see my own lust reflected in him.

"Fuck Spencer... harder... I'm close...". I was struggling to prolong the sensation as much as possible before my orgasm, but I needed rudeness, I needed to lose control.

"(Y/N) say my name, say it ... tell me how I make you feel..."

"Spence... you make me feel so good... Spencer, you fuck me so good, baby... I love you... I love you so much... always love you...". At the crest of my orgasm those words came out of my mouth. And they were true. I don't know if he really noticed it, but at least they served to encourage him and make him lose control. His frantic movements combined with his fingers over my clit. A couple more thrusts were enough and I had lost myself in the heights.

"Fuck (Y/N)... I'm going to..."

Another couple of thrusts and I could feel how he cum inside me. A deep, hoarse moan came from his throat. Without much trouble, he fell on top of me, sinking his head into my shoulder. Only the sound of our labored breaths could be heard. A few seconds later he leaned on his hands to look at me. His glossy eyes, his lips and cheeks glowing along with that messy hair and beads of sweat running down his forehead were a panorama that only awakened more love in me. Without saying anything he began to kiss me. I just wrapped my arms around his neck and responded with a fervent and deep kiss. When we pulled away I could see a smile on his face. He got out of bed on the way to the bathroom. Returning from my ecstasy my neurons began to work again. It wasn't I regretted what I had done, it was just now I really didn't know what I was going to do. Was this the farewell I expected? No. I didn't expect him to rekindle those feelings in me. So was it true that neither of us managed to beat the other this year?

When he came back from the bathroom he brought a damp cloth and began to gently move it over my thighs and crotch to remove any residue of himself from me. He put it on the nightstand and leaned his back against the back of the bed, looking at me. The time to talk had come.

***

I didn’t expect that. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Seeing her in front of my door in the night ready to 'say goodbye' to me was a lot to process. I let myself go. Of course I wanted to be with her, not for that precise reason, but something inside me told me I could awaken some hope with this action.

I sat down on the backside of the bed and looked at her. It wasn’t the best place or time to discuss this, probably not, but time was running out. I wasn't going to let my silence make her run away from me again. (Y/N) hurried to speak first.

"I think I'd better get back to my room..." (Y/N) said as she sat down on the edge of the bed, her back to me.

"No. We cannot let this go and not talk about it ”

"I already told you Spencer, I just came to say goodbye..." she said avoiding my gaze and getting out of bed. This was going to be more difficult than I thought.

"(Y/N), I need half an hour of your time. Could you do that for me? If after that you think it is best to you leave, that's fine. I will understand...”. Would it be enough time to tell her everything? I hoped so.

"Do you think there are things to talk about?" she said with a bitter smile.

"Of course I do! If I remember correctly the last time we spoke, I didn't say much... and ok, it's my fault. I just want you to hear my part of the story. I propose this: let's get dressed and we can drink a coffee. After this, no one will be able to sleep anyway”. She thought a few seconds, then nodded.

"Ok. A coffee I think would be good idea”

We dressed quietly and I started making coffee from the machine in the room. It wouldn't be the best coffee in the world, but at least it would help. I placed two mugs on the small table settled in the corner of the room and gestured for her to sit down. After taking a sip and taking a deep breath, I started to speak.

"Do you remember how we got our first date?" I asked her.

"Are we going to review our entire history in half an hour?" she said crossing her arms over her chest. She was in defensive attitude. I tried not to let that stop me.

"You remember it?". I insisted.

"Yes. We had seen each other in Dr. Stevens' office a couple of times. When he wasn't there we talked for a while if you were willing to wait for him. Until one day I dared and invited you to a coffee. I think it was the first time I invited someone to come out first…”. (Y/N) said with a warm smile.

"That’s right. And I was so glad you did. It would have taken me more months do it myself, you know? Well, and I also suppose you have realized all those times I was going to visit Dr. Stevens, I really knew he was not there and I only came to see you…”. (Y/N) shook her head and bit her lower lip trying not to laugh.

"I wasn't sure, but I had no doubts about that either..." she said taking a sip of coffee. "It's a nice memory Spencer, but I don't know where you want to go with all this..."

"Do you remember our first kiss?" I said without wanting to answer her last question.

"Are you saying the time I kissed you on the threshold of my apartment door when we went out to dinner?". (Y/N) said describing the moment.

"Yep. Precisely. When my hands were shaking and I was dying to kiss you but I didn't dare. Until you did it and also, inside I thanked the gods I would not have had to wait months until I dared to do it. Well, I could also list several things I didn't dare to do for fear of rushing things or fear of ruining what was happening between us…”

"Yes, you were quite shy... I had forgotten that part..." (Y/N) said.

“But I learned a lot of things with you. I started to feel more confident in myself, especially in a relationship. I don't want to be a thorough on this, but I don't think I've ever told you how much I learned from you. And I regret not tell you about it before… just as I regret not having been more explicit about how important you were in my life the whole time we were together…”

“At that point I think the fault fall on both of us. We just took it for granted…” (Y/N) said with a sigh.

“The last time we spoke… over a year ago, you said things to me I didn't expect to hear, even though I was very aware our relationship was in bad shape. You said it was impossible to repair something that was already broken... and told me you felt you were not what I needed...". I could see how (Y/N) avoided my gaze and concentrated on her coffee mug. I dared to take her hand to make her look at me. "Hey!... I need you to know a few things about that so you understand why as far as I'm concerned, you shouldn't think that."

"Do you really think you can repair something that is broken...?" she said with a bitter smile.

"Not repair, rebuild. But for that we have to go back to our initial pact, remember?” I said, stroking his hand with my thumb.

“To tell everything we feel. No hide anything”. I nodded.

"Yes. And in that, I failed. I know. I broke that promise and left you enough away for you thought you were no longer important in my life. Do you remember what I told you the day I was released from prison?”

"I do. That we were going to make up for lost time. That we were never going to part. That no one could ever intervene in our relationship again…”

"That’s right. What I didn't count on was my obsession wanting to remove the things had happened in prison. As if not saying them was enough to make them not exist. But they did exist. Some you saw, some you felt... but I didn't want to tell you anything. I kept it for myself”

"Why did you do the opposite of what we had agreed? Did you really think you could protect me that way? Protect me from what?..."

"From me. It’s true I was no longer the same person, (Y/N). When you told me you felt you didn't know me anymore, it was confirmation of that. But what I never wanted to reveal was I was afraid of the person I had become… and I was afraid of hurting you by showing you this part of me. I was afraid to show it and give you a reason to stop loving me, for not being the same person you felt in love in first place. For some strange reason I thought keeping the routine between us was going to block the growing anger, the little patience, the lack of control I came to feel many times. Which, clearly, was not successful: our constant discussions proved it, do you remember?". I could see how tears rolled down (Y/N)'s cheeks. I also felt my eyes fill with tears, but I needed to stay calm to continue talking.

"I just wanted to know, want to help... but you didn't want to speak to me...". (Y/N) said between sobs.

"I see that. I left you apart. It's my fault. Believe me, I never wanted to go that far. But you should know it has always been you. You were the only person who could have understood and I left you out… you are the one who knows me better than anyone and although blindly, you knew exactly things were not right”. I said taking her other hand with mine.

"And what has changed in these months? What could be different now?..."

“I just want to say one more thing before I answer that question. The thing is… it’s completely false you are not the woman I deserve. It’s completely untrue you are not enough for me. And please forgive me for whatever I did to make you think that. I don't need a woman with an IQ equal to mine, I don't need a woman who with my same job, I don't need a woman who thinks like me, who has my same schedule, I don't need a woman with a stunning external beauty. I need you. You. You are the only woman to me. Even if I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. You’re intelligent, you have made your own way in life, you’re understanding, loving, so brave, you have overcome all the troubles you have faced, you are able to share your love with others, you are able to understand me ... and what a challenge! You have been my rock for three years and I had to lose you to be able to realize it…”. I released her hands, got up from the chair and walked over to where she was sitting. I knelt down in front of her and took her hands again. Tears still ran down her cheeks.

"Please Spencer, stop... don't keep talking..."

"I have not finished. I have 5 minutes to talk…”. That made her smile a little. “About your last question… what has changed? My love for you has not changed one bit, but my desire to compensate for having broken my promise and wanting to be with you beyond anything else is a realization more present in me today than before. What could be different? Whatever we'll want to be. I’m willing to do everything in my power to make you love me again, to you trust me again, to win back you as my friend and lover. Do you want to stay in Philadelphia? Okay. I’ll stay with you. Do you want to go to Chicago ? I’ll go with you…”

"I love you Spencer ... but I could never make you quit your job for me..." she said getting up from the chair and taking my hands so I could get up too.

"Not just for you, my love. For us. If it’s necessary, I’m ready to do it”. She was shaking her head.

"No, doing that would destroy you...". (Y/N) said hugging me and resting her head on my chest.

"I already feel like I'm completely destroyed without you ...". I said as I pressed her against my body. "Please give me a chance to show you how important you’re in my life...". I said without being able to hold back my tears. We were silent holding each other and sobbing.

"Maybe there is something else we can do...". (Y/N) said in a soft voice, barely perceptible. I pulled away to look her in the eye.

"I'll try anything you want...". I said.

"Let's to know each other again...". I looked at her a little oddly. I didn't know if I was comprehending what she meant. She smiled. For the first time an openly smile and I could see a different sparkle in her eyes. She took a pencil and paper from the table and wrote a number. "This is my number. I don't know how many more days I'll be here in Philly. I have to put things in order before going anywhere else. A few days ago I received an email from Dr. Stevens of Georgetown, asking me what I was currently working on. I think he has an open spot on his team. I'll think about it…". My smile could not have been bigger, which (Y/N) noticed and hurried to keep talking. “If I return to DC, I’ll stay with my sister a while. Time will tell Dr. Reid. Sounds good to you?". I happily nodded. She approached to me again, she tip toe rose and gave me a long, deep kiss. When we pulled away she gave me a smile, grabbed her jacket and left the room. Before closing the door she said "I love you Spencer. I mean it. Call me".

That’s what they call hope, a feeling that makes things almost impossible feel achievable. I clung to that hope. I trust in this woman with all my being. And if this is my last chance, I'm not going to waste it. I dialed the number on my phone and save it. This time, I won't let anything unsaid between us.

——————–

[chimcharstar]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

[fluidityandgiggles]

Sleep Is For The Weak - Chapter 16

Previous Chapters: Prologue, Chapter 1, Chapter 5, Chapter 10, Last Chapter

Writing Masterlist - for previous chapters not otherwise linked, Read on AO3

Notes (I guess): I realize it took me way too long to do this, but I can explain. Uhh...

So for those of you who don’t know, I haven’t been home since September, and I won’t be home for another... two weeks, more or less? I’ve been to places where I couldn’t know if I’d have working wifi or any wifi at all so updating this fic has been a mission. So I do whatever I can to update at reasonable times.

With that being said, I finished this chapter way back last month while on a two week long trek in Nepal and haven’t had the opportunity to upload it, so I’m grateful I can now. Because this one... was a hell of an exposition ride for a lot of shit I planned a long long time ago.

Quick disclaimer - some bits of this chapter deal with the definition of transgender, and a specific learning disorder. The definition of transgender mentioned in this chapter has been taken from the DSM-IV-TR, which is a defunct edition of the DSM that came out in the year 2000 and has been replaced by the DSM-5 in 2013. The definition has since been changed and separated, and I believe it is now called gender dysphoria, though I’m not quite sure. But it does not reflect my opinions on how dysphoria is related to being trans, I do believe (and have several sources to back me up, including the DSM-5) that you don’t have to be dysphoric to be trans. The same goes for this learning disorder, what is said in this chapter reflects only the way the characters think of it - and it will change later on, I can assure you - and not at all what I would think or say about it.

As is tradition, thanks to @whatwashernameagain for KHS and for all her patience with me and my shenanigans (and not getting frustrated with my stupid ideas) and to @broadwaytheanimatedseries for the original idea and for giving me the best commentary for my screenshots when I send them. And also to @winglessnymph , @asleepybisexual and @anony-phangirl , who have fallen out of the loop but are still there. I know I haven’t sent you anything much in recent days, but... still.

Tag list (sort of): @bunny222, @ab-artist, @sweet-and-sour-shadowling, @ilovemygaydad, @your-username-is-unavailable, @virgilcrofters, @violetblossem, @maybe-i-like-the-misery, @book-of-charlie, @thatsanswitch, @thatrandomautist, @thebiggestgaypirate, @marshmallow-the-panda

(Wanna be tagged? Lemme know!)

Trigger warning: period appropriate transphobia (the early 00s were not exactly trans-friendly). This chapter also includes (rather controversial) opinions/ideas about the definition of transgender (as mentioned in a now-defunct, but then the most recent, edition of the DSM), discussion of abortion, mentions of past self-harm, discussion of personality disorders and hospitalization, panic attacks, and description of rejection sensitive dysphoria. I’m pretty sure I forgot something though, so let me know if I have so I can add it.

—————

Friday, May 30th, 2003

"...your valedictorian, Jenna Miranda Wheeler."

"Class of 2003…"

New York was beautiful in May.

Sadly, that was not where Remy was heading today.

According to Linda, Stephen was going to go on a business trip for at least two weeks in June, starting late May. So Remy was invited over for the summer. Not his first choice, but Leah begged him to come and Emile said that it might be a good idea. But…

Spending more than a day at Linda's, combined with the knowledge that Jenna and India have graduated just a few days ago and Chris hasn't, was a good enough reason for Remy to feel shitty. And he did.

The main upside was that Georgia was beautiful in May too.

He managed to cheer himself up somewhat by thinking of the good things that happened this month - Emile's TOVA results (9/9 inattentive symptoms, 4/9 hyperactive-impulsive, definitely has inattentive type ADHD), India's name being called at graduation instead of her deadname, Jenna graduating valedictorian, his friends moving to Virginia and so on - by the time the taxi from the airport pulled up in front of the, by now, rather familiar house.

And then his stomach dropped.

Stephen was still there.

"Do you need help with those bags, Rebecca?" He asked, eyeing the massive, neon pink duffel bag and the incredibly heavy purple backpack that sat on the sidewalk near Remy as he tapped his foot nervously.

"Not from you I don't. Thanks for the offer, but… no thanks."

He was too proud to admit that the duffel was too heavy for him to lift and he could barely drag it, but he packed most of his clothes and books in it. Some were mailed home. But not most.

"That shit gotta be heavy as fuck—"

"I said, no thank you. Now, move out of my fucking way."

Leah was napping by the time he finally dragged everything inside, but Rachel was doodling in the living room, smiling brightly when she saw him come through the door. She abandoned her crayons and waddled all the way to hug him.

As much as he barely knew her, Remy definitely loved Rachel too.

"I'm going to daycare," she mumbled somewhat, trying to use words she didn't quite know yet. "You have to come!"

"You're such a big girl!" He ruffled her pigtails, picking her up. She was so light for a two-year old. "Going to daycare already?"

"Mmhm."

"I'm so proud of you!"

She just hugged his neck and babbled on about her friends and daycare, her hand flying and her almost falling from his hold. This was another happy thing to add to the list.

He wasn't happy. But this was happy. For now.

—————

Stephen left on his business trip at around seven thirty, and Remy took a huge sigh of relief. Leah also woke up from her nap a few hours earlier, all grumpy and upset for some reason, and Remy tried talking her into telling him why she was so upset.

Linda said it was because of the nap. Leah only got even more upset.

"Why am I here?" Remy asked during dinner, while Leah entertained herself (and he was sure she didn't notice much) and Rachel was almost dozing off. "We haven't had a single good interaction since I was five years old, Linda."

"Am I no longer allowed to want to be around my son, Remy?" She stung back, looking anything but as aggressive as she just sounded.

"I'll be honest with you, kid. I know you don't like me. I can understand why. But what I don't understand is why you're bringing this up in front of your younger sisters. They're too young for this to—"

"I saw a movie about penguins on TV," Leah started rambling. "They're really weird…"

The argument stopped just as quickly as it started, and Leah was allowed to go on and on about penguins bringing rocks to each other. So he proceeded to just glare at Linda, who helped Rachel eat her pasta. This was awful, this was absolutely the worst situation he could've found himself in, and… he just wanted out.

And he kept wanting out even as Rachel already went to sleep, Leah was busy doing her homework last minute, and Linda asked Remy to help her clean up.

"I'm only here because Leah asked me to," he almost hissed as he was tasked with packing the leftovers in incredibly familiar tupperware containers.

"I want to spend more time with you, Remy. I'm still your mother—"

"Well, you haven't acted like it, like, ever!"

Linda sighed, putting the plate she was holding in the dishwasher. "I don't want to sound like I'm making any excuses—"

"So don't make any."

"—but I was barely your age when I had you. This is no excuse, I'm not trying to say that I had no idea what I was doing because of that, but I sacrificed so much of my life to raise you!"

"You could've aborted me! You could've been smart and used protection in the first place!"

"Condoms aren't a fail-proof—"

"Face it, Linda. You never wanted me. You're not homophobic or transphobic for the sake of it, it's clear you have at least some level of respect to queer people. You just never wanted me in the first place."

The next plate she was holding broke in the sink. "How fucking dare you say that?!"

"I'm just saying—"

"I have never wanted something in my life more than I wanted you!" Her screams hurt Remy's ears, going as far as to make Leah cry in the other room. Linda immediately lowered her voice. "I know I've been a bad mother to you. I regret every decision I've ever made while I was married to your father, except being married to him and having you. And I've spent every day since leaving you and your father regretting my decisions, and wanting to make it up to you, but you kept pushing me away. How do you think that makes me feel, huh? Do you still think you're the only one who's been robbed of something in this relationship?"

"...you had Leah while you were still married to Dad" was all he could say. And he hoped he'd have the last word. "Was she a mistake too?"

Sadly, you can't always get what you want.

"Leah… is problematic. But she wasn't a mistake either. None of you are, and you can stop saying that. Whatever is wrong with her does not make her a mistake. Just as your gender identity disorder does not make you a mistake."

"No, you're right. It doesn't. It makes me transgender. A female-to-male man. You know those terms? Female to male, transgender? It's what people call it nowadays."

There was another long moment of silence as Linda cleaned up the broken plate and Remy finished packing up the leftovers, and Leah stopped crying.

It was a stressful silence. Very typical of home life with Linda Brigham-Hollander.

"...you may not have come at a time I liked," she sighed after everything, falling into a chair. Remy was ready to leave the kitchen, but this wouldn't let him. "I know we could've… waited a few more years. But you came when you did, and I don't regret that. You were never a mistake. I may have a hard time understanding… what… your identity. I'm trying my best to educate myself now, you know—"

"That's almost five years too late."

"I don't know what Leah told you about her school life, but whatever hardships she got understanding stuff—"

"She has no trouble understanding stuff as far as I can see—"

"Educational stuff. School material. She got that from me. Education comes harder for me, you may not know that. I was never the brightest student and I only completed my high school diploma when you were three years old. Don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with you. But I couldn't learn when you asked me to. It felt like—"

"Linda, it didn't take Dad five years to be able to call me by my name and use the correct pronouns. Even if you don't mean it this way, this is bullshit to me. And I hope you get it."

And then he got up and left, leaving her to her own. If she cried, well… that's none of his business.

—————

Sunday, June 8th, 2003

Nathalie and Emile were getting ready for the Tony awards when Emile had a panic attack.

No, that's not true. Emile has been having panic attacks all week long for some weird reason he couldn't explain, most likely not being able to talk to Remy all week long since his phone died and he couldn't get a new one just yet. But today was the worst one. So Julie lent him her phone for a call, to explain himself so he won't panic so much, but…

But Remy wouldn't understand. He'd be mad if Emile tried to call him from Julie's phone because of some panic attacks… and then he'd hate him, and then… and then…

Then he wouldn't have a best friend anymore…

What was India's phone number again…?

She picked up on the fourth ring. "India McGinty—"

"It's Emile," he almost sobbed the second she picked up. "I… I have a question…"

"Oh, honey, of course. What is it?"

"Do you think Remy would hate me…? My phone died and I can't get another one until next week and—"

"Emile, are you… are you crying right now?"

"No… I did before, I just…"

She sighed before clearing her throat. That's it, she hates him too—

"Do you mind if I pass you over to Jenna? She's better at this than me."

"...okay…"

"...Emile?" Jenna's voice was softer than India's somehow. She'd never raise her voice, but Emile was scared of the people who'd be there when she does once she becomes a lawyer. "Can you please explain what's going on?"

"Well… my phone died, and I can't tell Remy because he's with his mom and I don't wanna call him while he's with his mom, so I'm scared that if I don't talk to him all summer he'll hate me and then he won't talk to me anymore and I can't—"

"Let's slow down, you're only upsetting yourself. Remy is your best friend, right?"

"Yeah… I mean, I like him a bit more but, but it's not like I can just tell him that, and…"

"That's fine, we're not gonna focus on this for now. That's for another time. But he's your best friend, right?"

"Yeah, I just told you!"

"So why would he hate you for something like that? He's going to understand, I'm sure."

"I don't… know… it just feels like he might…"

"I know. This feeling fucking sucks, doesn't it?" She chuckled. Emile couldn't answer to that. He just… he couldn't. "But it's not healthy to dwell on this feeling. It might become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you fret about it so much."

"What do you mean…?"

"...have I ever told you that I was institutionalized until my second year of college?"

He couldn't stop his jaw from dropping. "No…"

"Okay. So I'll tell you now. I… how squeamish are you? I don't want to… trigger anything…"

"I don't know… I don't… I don't think I really mind much…?"

"Okay, I… I'll censor it anyway. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah."

"So when I was fourteen, I started harming myself. It's not… it was what you'd think, but not for the most part. I didn't cut really. But my parents knew, and they gave a ton of fucks and not just because they had a reputation to uphold like I thought they did back then. They just… they gave all the fucks."

"Okay… I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"Don't apologize, you had no part in this. And you never will. I promise."

"Okay."

"Two years after I started, my parents sent me to a psych ward. At that time they thought I was depressed, it was too early to diagnose me properly, so… I've lived for three years on doses of antidepressants that didn't do a whole lot, because nobody knew. I was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was nineteen, my medication prescription was fixed and I was let out of there when they decided I'm doing well enough to be able to live on my own again. I spent my first year of law school with a nurse attached to my hip, can you imagine?" She laughed, and Emile struggled to hold back a smile.

"Actually yeah… my sister is narcoleptic…"

"Oh shoot, sorry… didn't mean that. Anyway… back to the topic at hand, yeah? I was… infatuated, for a lack of a better word, with this guy. His name was David. I thought I was in love with him, but it turned out I idolized him to a point where he became my favorite person, and that was an incredibly toxic experience. He was like… like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted. But dialed up to eleven. He was a fucking asshole and I haven't seen him in years… he was transferred to another place after an incident that involved one of my friends, she ended up almost killing herself because of this guy. And my anxiety over being perfect for him, over making him like me and making sure that he keeps liking me, made me extremely unhealthy in the long run."

There was a pause, possibly for Emile to process. Most likely. This wasn't fair… this was totally not fair! Why did good people have to go through shitty things?

"My next favorite person after him was a girl I dated for a couple months before India." Jenna sounded kind of breathless at that, as if she was crying herself. "And… she made me talk to her. She asked me questions for clarification all the time and helped me with my anxiety, especially when I felt like this. I was tiring, but… it's the effort she put into this that counted. Emile… you gotta talk to Remy."

"But… but I can't…"

"Who said? Communication is key. I know it might be really hard, especially for you, but… call him. It's his birthday soon, right? In July?"

"Yeah…"

"Call him. Write down everything you want to tell him and tell him then. I promise it'll make your anxiety a lot easier to manage."

————

"Remy," Linda called from the living room as he was heading to bed. This was becoming ridiculous…

"I told you, I'm not talking to you for the rest of this—"

"I can't read a single word in this cursed book of yours."

"...what book?"

"This DSM thing. Remy, darling, why do you need this book? It's so difficult to understand, couldn't they have written better books about this?"

He ended up not going to bed after all, instead resorting to making himself tea and going to sit on the couch next to her.

"Mom, that's… that's the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, mom. It's existed since the fifties. This is the revised version. They can't make it simpler to understand, I don't think."

"Well, your grandma's always said that if a child can't understand what's written, it's because the writer is bad at what they're doing."

"And so have a lot of my professors, but sadly this is what we have to work with. What's so confusing anyway?"

"I was trying to read about your… your thing, the gender identity disorder thing…" she turned the book to him. The passages in this section have been highlighted the day he bought the book and he knew them by heart. Well, for the most part. "I'm sorry, but the words are just… long and confusing."

"...that's fine… it's totally fine, I can… I can simplify it for you…"

"I don't need you to simplify it for me, I know English. I just… I can't read this! Big and confusing academic paper words."

Oh fuck…

"I'm a painter, not an academic, Remy. I can't read. You know this. You've known this forever."

"I forgot you're dyslexic…"

"And what does forgetting that help you?"

"Nothing… let's… let's go over this together, okay? The sections that apply to me." He waited for Linda to nod, rather reluctantly, before putting on his own pair of reading glasses.

"So, to diagnose someone with gender identity disorder there are two criteria, identifying with the opposite gender and feeling dysphoria. In order to meet those criteria, you gotta not be intersex, which I think is pretty stupid, and also it has to affect your daily life."

"Yeah, I know that. Your shrink told us that when you were fourteen. Let's move on, okay?"

"...okay. In boys, aka trans girls, this doesn't apply to me… okay. Girls with GID, aka trans boys, display a intense negative reactions to parental expectations, blah blah blah, you never had any expectations of me so this doesn't apply…"

"No no no no no, you will read this out. No skipping."

"Okay, fine! Girls with GID display intense negative reactions to parental expectations or attempts to have them wear dresses or other feminine attire. Some may refuse to attend school or social events where such clothes may be required... They prefer boy's clothing and short hair, are often misidentified by strangers as boys, and may ask to be called a boy's name. Reminds you of something?"

"...go on."

"Their fantasy heroes, yeah no, I never had fantasy heroes…"

"You had She-Ra."

"Yeah, but she made me gay, not trans, mom. Prefer boys as playmates, contact sports… yeah, none of that either…"

"You used to play soccer as a kid. Your dad has a lot of pictures of that, you know."

"I… didn't actually know that… huh."

"You didn't learn to kick a ball from your father, though. I'll tell you that."

It took a bit of time for Remy to stop himself from giggling, deciding to sip his tea instead. It didn't work very well.

"Yeah… well… moving on, ‘they show little interest in dolls or any form of feminine dress up or role-play activity. A girl with this disorder may occasionally refuse to urinate in a sitting position. She may claim that she has or will grow a penis and may not want to grow breasts or menstruate. She may assert that she will grow up to be a man. Such girls typically reveal marked cross-gender identification in role-play, dreams and fantasies.' Does any of this sound familiar, mom? Because I don't… I don't actually know."

"Until now… yeah. All of that sounds incredibly familiar. Look, I…"

"I know what's you're gonna say, and please don't. It's fine. I know you panicked, I know you said things you didn't mean to, but… can we leave that for now? That's a bridge we're gonna deal with later. Now, adults with GID…"

They ended up staying up for far longer than either of them wanted to, but it was alright. Linda wanted to learn. Remy was willing to teach her.

They only barely made it to bed at three in the morning, the page bookmarked for tomorrow, when they'll continue reading.

[kendricksendrick]

im such a bitch heres some fun facts about me

how tall are you?

5 foot 2ish

what is your body type?

ex-gymnist who wakeboards a lot

what is your favorite part about your body?

um my boobs i guess idk

is your current hair color your natural hair color?

currently dirty blonde but once summer/vacation comes around my hair will go black to bleach blonde on its own

are you more outgoing or more shy

im quiet

are you more femme or butch?

femme

are you tol or smol?

smol bean

wine mom or vodka aunt?

vodka aunt

weird habit?

need chapstick 24/7

favorite meme?

bon apetit

do you sing in the shower?

i used to but now i just have therapy with myself

ever used a bow and arrow?

nope

are/were you a theatre kid?

yes haha

have you ever seen a broadway musical?

i want to!!

do you think musicals are cheesy?

no wtf i was just in one yesterday it was amazing

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?

no

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?

all of them also this just reminded me im gonna buy this game 

last movie you watched?

monsters in lol

behind the camera or in front of it?

behind

favorite tv show?

30 rock

meaning behind your url

it came to me randomly

reason you joined tumblr

in 7th grade my friend told me it was cool and here i am 5yrs later with like 4 blogs

who’s your closest tumblr friend?

my irl friend alex

what’s something most people love that you hate?

kim k

have you ever taken narcotics?

no

have you had sex?

i wish 

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

never caught :)))

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?

funniest lie is that im straight lol

describe your passion without mentioning it.

its all with our mouths ;)

describe your best friend.

cute, funny, dumb asf, the best

give us one thing about you that no one knows.

im an open book just ask and i will tell

how do you feel right now?

tired and hungry

what is your biggest fear?

alone forever also sleep paralysis

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

gold mine by colbie calliat idk how to spell it

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?

saying no balls to myself and stalking through instagrams on a 3hr car ride to find my girl and the her snap and then sayying no balls and snapping her :))

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?

currently putting forth minimum effort i have senioritis

something you fantasize about.

kiss my gorl

last time you cried and why

last night or maybe it was this morning? i was doing the 24hr musical at my school (we have 24hrs to put together an ENTIRE musical and all $ goes to charity!) but i cried from laughing so hard doing yoga

what was the last thing that made you laugh?

the 24 hr musical

do you really, truly miss someone right now?

grandmaaa

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

my church gc bc we the true ho(e)mies

the last time you felt broken?

idk like a week ago

are you starting to realize anything?

ya actually maybe im just a lesbian and not bi who knows

are you more dominant or more submissive?

sub i think

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)

you make me smile

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?

same age

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.

great detail lets go!

shes in my grade bu9t goes to a different school but her hair is short like mine but darker and shes tanner than me and taller but just by a little bit! she has really nice eyes and a good smile and is sososo sweet no matter what stupid thing i say to her and i miss her a lot i wanna cuddle with her and i when we go on our next date catch me cuddling with her no matter what and she is in band too but going to college way far away in the fall so we will both be sad bois then but its okay because we have all summer to  hang out and cuddle and be something did i mention she is pretty af

do you have any kinks?

no

first thing you notice in a person?

tbh if they smell good and teeth

how can someone win your heart?

call me pretty

been rejected by a crush?

haha yes but its okay guys

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

no but vice versa so thats super awkward

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

no

is trust a big issue for you?

i just want the truth

did you hang out with the person you like recently?

is november for 2hrs considered recent ;(

is confidence cute?

YES

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

happy 4 u 

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

no lol

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?

yes she does

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

got my car stuck in the mud infront of hher on our first date

do you want to get married

yes!

worst thing you’ve ever done?

been a big bitch

three things that turn you on.

being called babe/baby, being teased, and idk

who do you hate?

lowkey one of my super lose friends oops

favorite term of endearment?

love

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?

ANNA KENDRICK GOD DAMN

intimidating girls or kind girls?

kindddd

what do you look for in a possible partner?

nice to me

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

i do not know ive only really ever liked one girl and also my straight best friend bc im a dumb bitch

are you good at flirting?

tbh no

who was the first person you came out to?

my church gc

do you have any friends who are wlw?

YEs!

is your crush wlw?

ye

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?

the boy who asked me to prom has me thinking am i bi or lesbooo

write a short love poem to your crush/self?

sweet are your eyes like honey in the sun

you make me smile

do you fall in love easily?

no

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

that time i was a big boi bitch to a girl 

are you good at hiding your feelings?

ha no

are you a forgiving person?

yes

what is your “type?”

good question

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?

probs fall asleep on her

tall girls or short girls?

taller than mee

hugs or kisses?

kiss!

twirl her around or get twirled?

TWIRL HER THAT WOULD BE SO CUTE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?

ooh both

hairline kisses or neck kisses?

neckk

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?

both

making out or soft kisses?

soft kisses 

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?

NECK OO

how confident are you in your sexuality?

haha good one im happy with who i am tho!

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?

butterflies to the maxx

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?

like(d) my straight best friend and will not be telling her that lol

my girl tho i def told her ;))

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?

16ish id say

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

so many things everything i do is embarassing

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?

BECHLOE!

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?

every word about lgbt that comes out of my mothers mouth since i am not out to her and now not planning on it for a very long time bc shes a big ignorant bitch!!

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?

haha good question idk

what is love to you?

ALWAYS putting others before you no matter what

ask me anything.

i will answer do it no balls

[legisaskerator]

vent vent vent

buckle up bastards this is gonna be long as FUCK

holy fucking shit my life yhas been so goddamn hard recently and i’m not handling it well

first and foremost on my mind at this second is the fact that i am in so much fucking pain right now i do not know what to do. my EDS is acting up really really badly and i’m super bedridden right now. i took my last vicodin and i have no idea when i can get more, or how, and i have like nothing to help. i had to leave class today to weep in the fuckin bathroom because i can barely walk and even sitting up is a struggle. if i felt this sort of pain three years ago i would have likely considered doing something VERY rash to stop it and i’m amazed i’m still, almost functioning. i can barely think i’m in agony i want it to end

i’m so scared this is just the next turn that eds is taking. i know i wont ever get better but fuck, i dont want to need a mobility aid yet. i’m only fucking 22 i have to be a teacher!!! how can i fucking teach if i cant write on a board?? or maneuver around classrooms? how will i ever get a job? or even just. live in the house of my dreams. i wish there was some help for me because i am tired of ehlers danlos running my life. i am scared for my future. i cant imagine who i will become if this level of pain becomes my “normal”. someone move me to mass so i can get legal weed to try to numb myself

on the same path of injury, my mother recently injured herself very badly and was hospitalized for a little w hile. ended up needing surgery to put rods and screws and plates in her leg/ankle, and as a result, she’s not functioning for the next 12 weeks. i’m doing my best to help out aroudn the house and i’m filling in for her at work. she does advertising for a newspaper and brings the papers to subscribing businesses,, which i’m taking over now. at least i like driving?

i love my mom and i will do anythign to help her, but god it’s such a load on my shoulders. i’m  upset and frustrated because i’m strugtgling to balance my life around this sudden responsibility. it’s definitely not her i’m upset about, it’s not like she did this purposefully??? she needs the help and i am willing to give it. but i am also allowed to feel these emotions. i am upset at the /situation/. her boyf and my sister are barely helping and they’re neglectful and distant. i’m the only emotionally present one in the family and also (aside from mom) am the only nurturing, caring one in the household. i keep her from having panic attacks, i keep her anxiety down, i’m warm and i try so goddamn hard to make sure shes ok. but it’s exhausting. i’m keeping my family together it feels like, everythings crashing down and i’m the only “sane” one. which is sad because ive been a depressed wreck for weeks and have been working on scraping myself off the fucking pavement, trying to get out of the spiral. i’m scared that my mom relies so much on me. she tells me everything, things i don’t want to hear. relationship troubles primarily. i know i give great advice and am ~wise beyond my years~ (thanks trauma) but, that’s what her therapist is for. i’ve told her i wish she would, tell me less, because as her daughter it’s uncomfortable, and she always overreacts like “oh i’ll never tel you anything again if it’s so terrible then” and i end up feeling fucking awful, and it’s a nightmare. but if things keep going the way they are in their relationship (i’m not gonna spill deets because, privacy still) we might lose our house!!! and everything we’ve finally worked for!!

so i feel like, if i can’t fix this problem, it’ll be my fault our lives come crashing down.

i know that’s ridiculous. it’s not my job. 

but it still feels like it

i never feel like i’m doing enough. just in life in general. i’m not good enough i’m not working hard enough i just am not enough. i was very saturated with child prodigy shit when i was younger and that fucked up my psyche so much. it’s still thrown at me by my father, americas got talent and movies where the protag is a ~genius~. i hate it. ill never be that and i know that’s what my dad wants of me. i’m not the next bill gates i just want to be a teacher and live my life!!!! i don’t want to start a band and get famous!!!! i dont want to run a business!! i don’t want to revolutionize the world!! just let me please! follow my heart!!!!!! i can’t fucking stand it when he tries to tell me what to do with my life it makes me want to scream and wail and sjafkl; fd fjasfg;akldf

i can’t do this, man. 

i’m so alone. i’m sick of the slut life. i’ve been hoeing around for a year and it’s taking a massive toll on my self esteem and sanity. i’s a terrible coping mechanism and i’m very very not healthy about it. i only have sex when i’m heavily under the influence of something and use it as a way of getting attention, which is, awful. i often forgo protection because it’s ~inconvenient~ and the second a guy protests, i’ll cave because i ~live to please~ and don’t want to start shit. i can’t keep doing this. hooking up is the only time people ever touch me. i just want a fuckign hug sometimes

i keep seeing so many posts like “you can’t love another if you don’t love yoursel!” and “people aren’t your medicine” but what if??? they can be to an extent?? part of being uber depressed is self-isolation and i’m so, sick of it. i need some fucking comfort because right now i am suffering through my life alone and it’s so difficult. it’s not as easy as just, settling though. i’m picky with my lovers because?? i deserve someone good? everyone that’s been coming through my life like, has a fatal flaw that i just can’t do. like long term compatability is risked for me with that shit.like, too introverted, too emotionally distant, people who just aren’t smart, i can’t do it?? i just want someone who’s going to comfort me when i need it, who i can have a healthy debate with, and someone who respects my life choices and things i do. 

i’ve been talking to one guy recently who, i was hoping maybe could have been a potential. he’s super nice and considerate/respectful, hes HELLA smart, adores a bunch of the same stuff i’m into, we talk really well together, i feel comfortabgle around him, gotta say he’s hot as fuck too...and he just wants friends with benefits. I respect that. i was in a similar spot literally last semester, there was a pretty great guy but i just wasn’t in the right space for a relationship. so friends with benefits. i don’t blame this new guy for not wanting a relationship he has every right!! but oh god it hurts a little. i worry that it’s me, that i’m just a good pussy for him, or a convenient lay who’s down to clown like 99% of the time. he’s been talking to me less recently and i’m worried that he’s...done with me. idk if that’s true or if i’m just reading into it but i’m in a VERY vulnerable place right now in my life, and i really need someone by my side for it. i need the support and warmth. 

i wish my warmth would comfort me. i wish i could turn my nurturing attitude around and help myself. i wish i didn’t need smoene else for comfort. i’m a fuckin libra tho i live for romance

this guys’ great though. i hope he sticks around at least for a little bit longer. i want to learn more bout lovecraft.

my sluttiness is my biggest qualm with myself right now. it’s definitely a huge problem in my life, it’s actively causing me problems. my one friend (because, i have only one fucking friend i can actually talk to. that’s it i hAVE ONE i’m so goddamn l,onely) has been like, coaching me through making better decisions? i’m very impulsive and he’s got great advice and is quick to be like “then don’t” and shit. i’m trying really hard to make sure i dont use him as a therapist though, that’s unfair to him. i’m respectful and all that shit don’t worry bout htat. he’s a huge help to me and has been my absolute rock through college, idk where i’d be without him. he also introduced me to his friend group, who are all really amazing people? they welcomed me with open arms and no ones ever done that before. i’m always super outcasted cause i’m weird and i wont hide it because it’s ME goddamnit! but these people, they’re weird too, they’re freaks and outcasts and, while they’ve all been very close friends since they were wee tots, they still welcomed me in. they still wanted me to be part of them. i’m getting to know all of them still, but i’ve got hope that, maybe i’ve got some lifelong friends now. at the very least, i’m sure i’ve got one. 

onto phase 4 of my fuckin monologue i guess, topic SHIFT

my thesis is a mess and it’s due in three weeks, i’ve barely gotten anything done because my teacher is awful and i’m worried i’m gonna fail the course

which would be SUPER bad because, i’ve had this teacher too many times and we do not get along, she loathes my existence, and i really just need to get out. shes partly the reason i need an extra fucking year at school and i always DREAD going to her class. it’s humiliating and discouraging to spend three hours every monday there. no one else likes this professor, they’re only here becuase the school loooooves the researchers and writers. complaints dont matter. all of my other classes are fine but this one has been probably the worst, most emotionally devastating class i’ve ever taken

i don’t even get to write about a topic i want. i was forced to write about the play i was in, instead of Monty Python like i wanted (it’s a fucking comedy class!!!!!) the play is about SCHOOL SHOOTINGS (we won some national awards teehee it’s an outstanding play). yes it’s a “black comedy” but not really? it’s a drama with comedic moments? and i KNOW THIS cause i’ve been studying comedy with this professor for like three cumulative years at this point. i’m struggling beacuse there’s zero research, zero information, and has to be over 20 pages long??? like fuck? i’m so fucked

anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk. i’ve been wanting to make a vent post for like weeks but i haven’t had the time or energy and , i really needed to just....get this out. i feel a little better having all the words down. there’s still so much else going wrong in my life that i could talk about, all the car troubles, my other classes, dorm shit, but, it doesn’t matter in the light of these issues. i can get through this. i just gotta keep fighting. 

oh and if anyones like, worried, i’m not suicidal, i’m not going to do that, there’s no chance of that hpapening. i’m in a very bad place but i’m never gonig back there if i can fucking help it

[xseedgames]

2017 End-of-the-Year Q&A Extravaganza Blog! #1

It’s time for our first 2017 End-of-the-Year Q&A Extravaganza! We’ve got a bunch of these we’ll be posting over the holiday break, so please look forward to them. Now, let’s roll right in!

We have answers from: 

Ken Berry, Executive Vice President / Team Leader John Wheeler, Assistant Localization Manager Nick Colucci, Localization Editor Liz Rita, QA Tester Brittany Avery, Localization Producer Thomas Lipschultz, Localization Producer

Question: Has selling your games on PC worked out for you so far? I know supporting the PC platform is a relatively recent choice for XSEED. - @Nate_Nyo

Ken: Being on PC has been great for us as it allows us to reach anyone anywhere in the world regardless of region or console. We were probably one of the earlier adopters in terms of bringing content from Japan to PC as we first published Ys: The Oath in Felghana on Steam almost 6 years ago in early 2012.

Brittany: I love working on PC. The work involved is greater than working on console, but I feel like it's a bigger learning experience, too. For console, the developers normally handle the graphics after we translate them, and they do all the programming and such. For PC, everything falls on us. I wasn't that experienced with Photoshop in the beginning, but I think I've gotten a lot better with it over the years. We can also receive updates instantly, and since I talk with our PC programmer through Skype, it's easier to suss out our exact needs and think of ideas to improve the game or bring it to modern standards.

Question: What non-XSEED games do you praise the localization for? - @KlausRealta

Brittany: Final Fantasy XII. I love everything about Final Fantasy XII's writing. I'm also a big fan of the personality in the Ace Attorney localizations. I'm still playing Yakuza 0, but you can feel the passion of the localization team in the writing. There are some projects where you can tell the editing was phoned in, and then there are games where it's obvious it was a labor of love. All of these games have a color I aspire to.

Tom: Probably going to be a popular answer, and not an especially surprising one, but I've got to give props to Lost Odyssey. It's hard to deny the timeless quality and absolutely masterful English writing that went into basically every line of that game's massive script, with the many short stories being of particular note. That game really does represent an inspirational high bar that I think most everyone else in the industry will forever strive to reach in their own works.

For a more unexpected answer, I've also got to give mad props to Sega for their work on Monster World IV. As a Sega Genesis game released digitally in English for the very first time less than a decade ago, I guess I was kind of expecting a fairly basic "throwaway" translation -- but instead, the game boasts a full-on professional grade localization that's easily up to all modern standards, brimming with charm and personality. It's really nice to see a legitimate retro game being given that kind of care and attention in the modern era, and it makes it very easy for me to recommend (as does the fact that the game is actually quite fun, and is sure to be enjoyed by anyone who's played through all the Shantae titles and really wants to try something else along similar lines).

John: I played Okami on PS3 earlier this year (before the remake was announced), and I was awed by how skillfully the team handled text that is chock full of localization challenges like quirky nicknames, references to Japanese fairy tales, and regional dialects. I was especially amused to see a reference to "kibi dango," the dumplings Momotaro uses to bribe his companions in that famous story. We dealt with the same cultural reference with STORY OF SEASONS: Trio of Towns.

Nick: My go-to response is always Vagrant Story, because it’s the game I credit with getting me really interested in a career in localization. Before that point, I had enjoyed games for their story and characters, but hadn’t realized just how much the specific word choices and tone contributed to a reader’s perception of a story as a whole. The gents behind VS’s localization would go on to be industry luminaries, with Rich Amtower now calling shots in Nintendo’s Treehouse department and Alex Smith being synonymous with the highly regarded prose of Yasumi Matsuno’s games – including the cool and underappreciated Crimson Shroud for 3DS, and Final Fantasy XII, which as anyone who’s played it can tell you is a stellar localization. Having spent a lot of time with FFXII’s “The Zodiac Age” remaster this year, the care and attention to detail put into the localization still blows me away. The unique speech style of the Bhujerbans (with...Sri Lankan inflections, if memory serves correctly) sticks with me, because I knew that I myself would never have been able to pull off something like that so deftly. I guess you could say Vagrant Story started a lineage of games that’s always given me something to aspire to as an editor.

Final Fantasy XIV, which I’ve been playing this year, also has a very good localization, especially considering the reams of text that go into an MMO of its size and scope. Michael-Christopher Koji Fox and his team have done a bang-up job giving life and personality to the land of Eorzea, and I’ve enjoyed seeing how the localization has changed in subtle ways as time has gone on. The initial “A Realm Reborn” localization sort of cranks the “regional flavor” up to 11 with heavy dialects and vernacular, but in subsequent expansions, they kind of eased up on that and have found a good mix between grounded localization and the kind of flourishes that work well in high-fantasy settings.

 And, while I haven’t played it in a number of years, I remember Dragon Quest VIII having a really great localization, too, with ol’ Yangus still living large in my memories. Tales of the Abyss was fantastic as well, and both DQVIII and Abyss delivered some really brilliant dub work that showed me how much richer one could make characterization when the writing and the acting really harmonized. I still consider Tales of the Abyss my general favorite game dub to date. The casting is perfect, with not a bad role among them. I also want to give mad props to Ni no Kuni’s Mr. Drippy, just as a perfect storm of great localization decisions. Tidy, mun!

Question: How hard is it to turn in game signs and words to English for Japanese? Is it as simple as going in and editing text? Or as hard as creating a whole new texture for the model? - @KesanovaSSB4

Tom: We refer to this as "graphic text" -- meaning, literally, text contained within graphic images. How it's handled differs from project to project, but the short answer is, yeah, it involves creating a whole new texture for the model. Sometimes, this is handled by the developer: they'll just send us a list of all the graphic text images that exist in-game and what each image says, we'll send that list back to them with translations, and they'll use those translations to create new graphic images on our behalf. For other games, however (particularly PC titles we're more or less spearheading), we'll have to do the graphic edits ourselves. When the original PSDs or what-not exist for the sign images, this is generally pretty easy -- but as you might expect, those aren't always available to us, meaning we'll sometimes have to go to a bit more trouble to get this done.

John: The best practice is to review graphic text very early in the localization process because it takes effort to fix and can throw a wrench in schedules if issues are discovered too late. On occasion, it is too difficult to change ubiquitous textures, especially those that might also appear in animation. This was the case with "NewTube" in SENRAN KAGURA Peach Beach Splash, which the localization team wanted to change to "NyuuTube" to make the wordplay clearer to series fans.

Question: With the Steam marketplace becoming increasingly saturated and being seen as a greater risk to publish on in recent times, what does XSEED plan on doing in order to remain prominent and relevant in the PC gaming space? - @myumute

Ken: It is indeed getting harder and harder to stand out as hundreds of new titles are releasing on Steam each month. We are working our way towards simultaneous release across all platforms to help leverage some of the coverage from the console version to get more attention to the PC release, so hopefully that's something we can accomplish soon. For PC-exclusive releases it continues to be a challenge, but at least they have a long tail and even if it's not an immediate success at launch we know it can continue to produce sales for years to come.

Question: What was your favorite film that you saw in 2017, and why? - @Crippeh

John: I'm way behind on movies this year (haven't seen Disaster Artist, Phantom Thread, or Get Out, for example), but recently I've enjoyed both Star Wars and Lady Bird. I expect I'll watch my favorite film from 2017 sometime in 2018.

Ken: Wind River. Mainly because of Jeremy Renner's performance and how many quotable lines he had.

Liz: Get Out for horror mindblowing amazingness, Spider-Man Homecoming for genuinely fun comic book movie, and The Shape of Water for Guillermo del Toro. Guillermo del Toro should always be a category.

That’s it! Stay turned for blog #2 later this week. Here’s a preview of the kinds of questions we’ll be answering:

Question: Have you ever considered selling the music CDs for your licenses stateside? - @LimitTimeGamer Question: If possible, would you please consider researching and localizing classic Korean-made PC xRPGs? - @DragEnRegalia Question: Do you have any interest in pursuing the localization of any of the large, beautiful Chinese RPGs that have been hitting Steam? Or are you focused exclusively on Japanese titles? - @TheDanaAddams Question: What inspired you all to do this kind of work in the first place? Also, what’s the story behind the company name XSEED? How did you all come up with it? - @TBlock_02 Question: What was everyone's favorite game(s) to work on this year? - @ArtistofLegacy Question: What's everyone's favorite song from the Falcom games you've released so far? - @Crippeh

[deliverydefresas]

masters of the scene

I know this is super shocking bc this is probs the soonest (?) ive posted between parts lmao 

I did want to hurry things up before saturday, tho, so here we have it, friendsss. if you’ve missed a part: 

1 | 2 | 3 | 4

AU: Matteo Balsano is a famous singer who has been crushing on this one girl he saw every day behind a window many years ago, back when he first started recording his debut album and inspired his first big hit, “Princesa”. Luna Valente, professional Olympic skater turned actress is at a local (and very popular) talk show to promote her breakout movie. This is where it all starts.

BREAKING: OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALLIST SAYS GOODBYE TO SKATING 

SOL BENSON, 24, recently known for her role as skating legend Marissa Mint in “SHATTERED WINGS”, announced this morning she wouldn’t return to training, or to any competition as a participant again. The announcement was posted on all her social media accounts, reading: “I can proudly say it’s time. Today, a new chapter in my life begins. I’m officially retiring from professional skating.”

Benson also took the chance to thanks her fans, saying: “The last ten years have been an unforgettable experience. A lifetime wouldn’t be enough to thank everyone who has been by my side helping, supporting, and cheering on me on this journey. I’ve done everything I could and wanted, and I hope you’re all as proud of me as I am of myself and the accomplishments we’ve done. I love you all very much.” The now ex-skater didn’t specify why she was leaving, but she affirmed it wasn’t anything but a personal choice: “I know many of you are shocked, or confused as to why I’m doing this now, that’s the reason I want to point out it’s not because of my health or a change of careers, as I know some might be thinking. Simply, this is me acknowledging my heart’s desires.”

Opinions and critics were instantaneous from the fans.

@ Sol_Benson: Thank you. pic.tw.com/3747829

          @ solnation: @ Sol_Benson please tell me this is an early april fools joke I’m crying

          @ sol_fan73937: @ Sol_Benson THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT, THIS IS NOT WHAT I PLANNED, AND I JUST WANT TO SAY I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

          @ SolMiReina56: @ Sol_Benson on one hand I’m happy you’re doing this in your terms but on the other I just want to scream whAT THE FORK BENSON

Benson’s famous friends, however, showed nothing but support for her.

@ Simon_RB: today the sun goes down and the moon rises! So proud of you @ Sol_Benson

@ JimM: Working with you, one of the greatest skaters of our time, was a privilege. Being your friend, and share all these memories, is an honor. Your talent will shine bright like your soul no matter what ♥ @ Sol_Benson  

@ TheAmbarSmith: An absolute star. @ Sol_Benson

The news broke amid rumors of the skating star dating Italian heartthrob, Matteo Balsano, leading some fans and theorist that her new relationship was linked to her decision.

@ SolecitoDeMadrugada: I don’t wanna start sh*t here, folks, but Sol said she’s acknowledging ‘her heart’s desires’…. What if Balsano convinced her to quit????

@ SolBonita: If Matteo Balsano had anything to do with this I will cut that bitch in half just sayin’

@ soltteoforever: omg what if sol quit to form a duet with matteo???!!! #relationshipgoals

@ elbalsanito: if y’all really think MATTEO BALSANO would make his two minute long girlfriend quit her career for him y’all are batsh*t crazy don’t even look at me

So far Benson and her team have offered no comment to the critics, choosing silence over explanations, and only time will tell what she’s planned for herself next.

Is this really her end in skating? Will she approach a musical career with her beau? For more Sol Benson, click here!

He was a coward.

And an idiot.

An idiotic coward, really, because he hung up on her as fast as his brain and hand could do it. He could’ve lied, told her it was only a guessing. Or he could’ve come clean about his stalker-ish ways and freak her out. Or come clean and skip the stalker-ish ways. But, no, he’d hung up and now when she saw him she’d demand an explanation and probably give him crap for hanging up on her and then creating a lame excuse as to why.

Because so far, he could only come up with his phone dying in that exact moment and him forgetting to call her back. For two weeks.

Again, an idiotic coward he was.  

“Are you listening to me, Matteo?” he’d been lost in his thoughts again, unsurprisingly. It was something he’d been repeating lately, and usually blamed it on him ‘mentally’ writing his songs. Sometimes, it was the truth; but most of the time it was an excuse to get Gastón and his mom off his back. Today was Delfi’s turn at enduring this lost lapse. “Matteo! This is a serious matter, you dick!” he’d laugh at the insult if it weren’t for her aggravated look. He was used to the annoyed, yet knowing look of his friend and his birther, but Delfi looked nothing but stressed. “Can you focus on what I’m telling you?”

Matteo threw her an apologetic smile. “Sorry, Delfi. I was just-”

“I don’t even want to hear it! I just need to listen to me and tell me what the fuck is happening between you and Sol Benson!” Well, shit. She was even cursing now.

“What do you mean?” he asked, genuinely confused now. Delfi knew better than anyone that he wasn’t dating, and even if he was, she never cared about it before. His manager sighed exasperated, throwing a newspaper across the table, pointing to him to read it.

The sole headline was enough to make his blood run cold.

“Read it till the end.”

“She’s retiring?” Matteo couldn’t believe it. A million questions came to his head as he read the article, ‘why’ being the loudest. “I just- what?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t care about her, Matteo.” She sighed again, passing her fingers through her head. “What I do care about is that they’re mentioning you as the responsible.” Delfi raised her hand when he opened his mouth to protest. “I know you aren’t. And I’d like to think a woman like her is strong enough to not let an idiot like you convince her to give up her career. However, this is bad because you’ll be crossed as a chauvinistic pig, and could seriously hurt the image the older fans have of you. We need to counterattack, fast, and I need you to tell me just exactly how close you are to Sol.”

“What for?” He was getting defensive, and Delfi could tell so, too. She softened her look.

“This is not about you being a heartthrob, Matt. This is about people judging you wrongly-”

“Are you listening to yourself? They already judge me wrongly!” Delfi pursed her lips.

“Okay, bad wording. Still, we can’t let them think you’re that kind of person either.”

“Can’t you talk to Gastón about it? Maybe he can-”

“We agreed to break the contract with most of the magazines and the heartthrob stories, but you can’t just sue someone for linking you as someone’s boyfriend. If this was an article solely about you, we could make an agreement with them but since it’s about her-”

Matteo frowned. “Can’t you talk about it with her team? You said you knew them, maybe you can work on something together-” Now she looked offended.

“What do you think I’m doing? This is why I citied you here, we’re meeting them in ten minutes to discuss it! And first I needed your stupid ass to explain your situation to me so we could have some ground but all you’ve done is daydream about God knows what!”

“Wait, what?!” he looked down at his sweatpants, and the semi-sweated t-shirt he’d worn to go to gym before the meeting, and he just knew his hair was a dishevel mess. He hadn’t even bothered with his contacts, so his glasses were stuck on his head unless he wanted to be as blind as a mole. He’d thought he’d only be meeting Delfi, and now- “she’s not coming, is she?”

“Who is ‘she’?” Delfi air-quoted, not getting why he was getting freaked out.

“Luna – Sol, she isn’t coming, right?”

Delfi scoffed. “Of course, she is! This is all about her, why wouldn’t she be here?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he almost whined, jumping out of his chair to get his gym bag, and spray the shit out of his deodorant on his body. He didn’t have any hair gel, so his hair had to stay the same. He was really regretting not taking the time to fully showering before coming.

“Oh, so now you care about how you look at meetings?” He didn’t answer her, still busy with his gym bag. He was sure he had mints buried somewhere. “I take that you like this girl?” Matteo said nothing, but nodded the slightest. “I know the rumors aren’t true right now, but I really need you to tell me if you think they will. The earliest Gastón and I can come up with counterattacks to protect your privacy and hers, the better. Especially since her contract with her team will drop soon.” Delfi asked, her tone a lot softer and less teasing. She’d taken his wishes seriously, and he was very grateful about it. He was in good hands if shit ever hit the fan.

Matteo dropped his bag, and sighed a quiet ‘yes’. And then turned to her, louder this time, “I don’t want anything hurtful, insulting or degrading to be said about her. The less she’s mentioned, the better. If it means we must re-sign with them, and have them write me off as a playboy, then so be it. But not a bad word about her, Delfi.”  

She smiled, her words comforting him a little. “If it’s in my hands both of you will be protected. Now, go tame your hair before your little star runs away from seeing it and turns into stone, medusa-boy.”

She was this close to picking up her phone.

The urge of checking her phone was eating her up but Luna was trying her best to avoid any type of interaction with social media in the last two nights, but it was proving to be harder than she imagined. After the news were out in the open she’d turned everything off; her phone, laptop, and tablet, burying them deep in one of Nina’s photography drawers so she wouldn’t be tempted to read her fan’s comments, or the articles magazines and newspapers were publishing on the web.

When her team called her early in the morning for a meeting, though, she knew something else had happened. They’d already discussed everything related to her retirement, and weren’t meant for another meeting for another three weeks, when she’d sign the remaining papers to break most of her commitments and contracts, with only the bigger ones left until she could find another lawyer outside of her management. Not that she didn’t trust them, but Mariano was more a “making business only” instead of “breaking business” type of lawyer.

“Still no news from Tamara?” She asked Nina beside her. Nina shook her head.

“She said she’d be meeting us there, to ask for Alzamendi and to not talk until Mariano and she were present.”

“Alzamendi?” She repeated, “does that sound familiar to you?”

“I think I might have an idea.” Nina admitted. Luna looked expectantly at her, urging her to tell her. “Pedro’s girlfriend, Delfina Alzamendi, is a head manager here.”

She frowned. “But she’s in the entertainment business, not in sports. Why would she cite us here?” Her eyes widened, “you don’t think…”

Nina shook her head rapidly. “No, no, no. Tamara’s better than that, she knows you don’t want to enter acting, she wouldn’t do that to you. I was thinking more that maybe one of Delfina’s clients could be involved.”

“But why would Ámbar contact me vía my manager? She has our house number, and Simón’s and yours.” Nina looked at her funny, confusing her. “What?”

“I’m not talking about Ámbar, L. I think this is about Matteo.”

His name made her scowl. She still hadn’t forgiven him for hanging up on her without an explanation, or a goodbye, and the guy had sent her to voice mail after she tried calling him back.

“He has my number too.” Not that he cared to use it again. Boys were stupid.

By now Nina looked amused, but grimaced after a moment. “You haven’t seen it, have you?”

“Seen what?”

Nina took her phone out of her purse, typed in her code and opened her phone’s browser. She was about to protest when she saw her type ‘sol benson matteo balsano’, but was quietened when Nina clicked on an article about Matteo being the reason she was retiring from skating.

“This. It started the morning you posted the news on Twitter and a fan replied saying you meant Matteo when you said you were following your heart. I think that’s why Delfina wants to talk to you and Tamara, because Matteo wasn’t left in the best position. People are crossing him as a controlling chauvinist.”

Luna was feeling dizzy. She had meant for the news to affect her only, but now she was dragging Matteo too. “People are saying this?”

“Mostly your fans, and uninvited activists, but yes.”

“He must hate me now, Nina.” She groaned, hiding her face with her hands. By now they were almost by the entrance desk, and a few of the people there stared her way.

“He couldn’t even if he tried, Luna, don’t worry.” Her friend cooed, squeezing her hand in comfort.

“His manager contacted mine, Nina. People don’t do that unless they’re strangers or you hate the other person.”

“I think you’re exaggerating a bit.”

“He at least has to be mad. If anyone said I’m the reason they’re quitting their career I’d be too.”

“Maybe, but not mad at you. The people saying this are mostly gossipers and fans you have no control over, Luna, don’t worry.” She nodded a couple times, trying to calm herself and the unnecessary guilt she was feeling in that moment.

When she finally felt calm enough, she dragged her feet to the lady behind the desk, asking her politely where she was supposed to go. The lady’s eyes shone with recognition, before asking her who she was meeting with; as soon as she said ‘Alzamendi’, the woman’s grin could have rivaled the Cheshire cat.

“Miss Alzamendi and Mr. Balsano are waiting in room 7. Go straight that hallway and turn left on the first corner, it should be easy to spot it, the numbers are big enough; they’re still waiting for Mr. Périda, and your team, though. Is there anything I can get you both to drink? We have black coffee – black, decaf, with milk, vanilla latte and moka, tea – chamomile, green, lemon ginger and berry sangria, hot chocolate – sweet, bitter, Spanish, Mexican, white and raw, lemonades – strawberry, mango and mint, sodas-”

Luna blinked a couple times, surprised that a) they had so many options and b) they made their receptionist learn all of them.

“Uh, do you have water?” Nina asked, interrupting the woman before she went on to list all their available sodas. The receptionist shut up immediately, pursing her lips at Nina for a second before nodding, then she looked at her, expectantly.

“A Mexican hot chocolate would be nice, thank you.”

“Anything to eat? We have a couple of restaurants delivered to us, if you’re hungry.” Before she could refuse, Tamara’s voice was heard behind them.

“Luna!” She smiled politely at her manager, nodding in greeting to Mariano. “I’ll have a latte and the sir will have black coffee, no sugar, please.” The older woman addressed the receptionist, who simply wrote it down on a little notepad. Tamara didn’t bother to thank her before she was dragging Luna – and Nina, who was grabbing her hand- towards the hallway the lady had pointed out before. “Okay, so; Matteo Balsano’s manager called me yesterday and requested to have a meeting as soon as we possibly could, that’s why I called you last minute, sorry. Are you aware of the rumors going around of you two?” Luna begrudgingly nodded, “good, I don’t have to explain it, then. Alzamendi didn’t specify why she was requesting us, but my bet is on the news hurting Balsano’s image of the perfect guy.”

“That’s what Nina told me, too.” Tamara’s eyes flickered to Nina’s.

“Good.” That’s all she said before going back to explaining. “More likely than not, they’re pissed. It could be the boy, it could be his manager, it could be the label. Or a mix of all. We already broke all magazine deals, so there’s not much we can offer to clean his name. We’re betting on his team acting up and choosing to clean it up themselves, while praying they don’t leave you dirty at all. Mariano can make up an agreement with his lawyer to even out and make it fair for both.”

“Do you think Matteo’s capable of going as far as dirtying up Luna’s name?” She could tell Nina was worried, and already feeling protective of her. Tamara shook her head.

“He doesn’t strike me as the type, but we need to be prepared for the worst-case scenario.” She told them honestly, finally stopped walking in front of a door. Before they entered, though, she looked at Luna straight on. “Listen, munchkin, when you enter that door you need to forget whatever relationship you have with the guy.” She was about to protest, but Tamara shook her head. “Just until we know where we stand. And who we stand against, okay?” She merely nodded. “Good. Are we ready?”

Matteo was sure those had been the longest – yet quickest, because he spent most of them rushing to make himself more presentable- ten minutes of his life.

The door opened, and the corner of his mouth went up at the knowing he’d see her in seconds. When she didn’t acknowledge him, the smile fell. When she sat down on one of the chairs and kept her eyes on the table, he frowned.

Was she mad at him, at the situation they were in? Was she sad? What if it hadn’t been her decision? Could that be why she looked so… not herself?

He was about to go to her when Delfi stopped him. Matteo looked at her, questioning why she’d done it, but she sent him a look that said ‘quiet’.  

“Delfina,” the woman – who was part of Luna’s team, if his guess was correct- greeted his manager, a tight smile on her face. Then she turned to him. “Mr. Balsano, nice to meet you.”

Delfi sent her a polite smile. “Tamara, Mariano, it’s always nice to see you again.” He could’ve sworn he heard the man say, ‘is it?’ under his breath. “Miss Benson, Miss Simonetti, long time no see.” Wait, she knew them?

Luna looked up from the table, throwing a quick ‘hello’ to her; her eyes flickering for the shortest time to his face, before turning down again. His frown deepened as Nina’s friend answered Delfi’s greeting, more enthusiast. “Hi, Delfi, it’s good to see you again, too. I wish it were under, uh, better circumstances, though.”

He could tell Delfina was amused at her words, if her mouth twitch was any indication. “Straight to the point, huh? Sadly, we’re waiting for Matteo’s lawyer to get here first.”

“Why isn’t he here yet?” the man asked rudely, disdain clear as water on his face. Matteo felt attacked by his tone, and jumped at Gaston’s defense.

“I’m not his only client, sorry not all of us can afford to have a clear schedule twenty-four-seven.”

Mariano raised his brows. “Ah, yes, you’re right. Real jobs keep you busy. My bad.”

Matteo scowled at him. “How would you know? You’re jobless now that your client is quitting her not so ‘real’ job, no?”

“Matteo.” Delfina warned him in a hiss, pinching his arm to keep him quiet. He noticed Luna’s blank look turning into a small grimace.

Mariano was about to retort when Luna’s manager grabbed his arm. “Don’t.” Then she turned to Delfi, “I think’s it’s for the better to start discussing the elephant in the room, sweetheart. You can always update your lawyer when he comes.”

Delfi pursed her lips at the nickname, but stood up with a nod. “Fine. I don’t think I have to explain why we’re here exactly.”

“You understand this is not Miss Benson’s fault, right? This was a matter taken out of context by their fans and the media.” The man’s tone wasn’t exactly condescending, but even Matteo felt like he was trying to teach Delfi how to do her job.

Still, Delfi remained as calm as she could. “We do, as I’m sure you understand your client’s choices shouldn’t taint my client’s image, no?”

“He’s as tainted as you can get them. Aren’t ‘playboy’, ‘heartthrob’, and ‘ladies man’ nice ways of saying man-whore?” Matteo heard small gasps around him, but he was too shocked at the insult to notice whose gasps were from. Mariano looked smug. “If anything, he is the reason they assume conclusions. If your client didn’t have the image he has, our client wouldn’t have linked to him in the first place.”

That was enough for his friend to snap. “If your client had been properly trained to do interviews without making a mess we wouldn’t be in this situation at all!”

“Those articles had died down until both your clients chose to approach ours at a public event knowing there would be photographers all over the place! How’s that for trained?”

“Enough, Mariano!” His partner shut him up. The woman had the decency of looking ashamed. Delfi and him, though? They were pissed. “I’m really sorry, guys. This is not at all what we came here for and I apologize for my-”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Tamara.” Delfi interrupted her, “he does.”

Mariano pursed his lips, but spit out the apology anyway. “I’m sorry for the way I behaved just now.” Matteo clenched his jaw, moving his gaze to Luna, who looked mad, too. At whom, though, he didn’t know.

“As you know, all our news deals are broken. We have no control, or stance to negotiate with them anymore. So-”

“So, you want us to fix it for you? Is that it? Why should we, after the stunt your team just pulled?” Matteo almost growled, his anger rolling in waves through his body.

Tamara grimaced. “I was hoping we could make an agreement. I know we-” she pointed to Mariano and herself, “-haven’t behaved as we should. But this isn’t about us only.” She looked at Luna, whose frown and pursed lips were more evident now than before.

At last, she fixated her eyes on his.

“I’m not asking you to do anything for me.”

Matteo sighed out, “Luna-”

“No. Listen, if your image-” she scowled at the word, “- is so important to you I can ask Jazmín or someone else to interview me and I’ll tell them the truth.” Matteo almost choked up. Where was she getting at?

“The truth?” Delfi repeated, expectant.

Luna’s friend looked worried, now. “Lu- Sol, please-”

She looked at him, her eyes not wavering for a moment. “Y’know, that you’re not the reason of my decision. I’m sure your fans will be shocked to hear you’re not the center of my universe.”

“Luna, plea-” Nina tried to gain her attention, but she still didn’t move her gaze from him.

“And I’m sure they’ll be glad to know we’re not dating, much less friends.”

Had he been punched? He felt himself getting his breath knocked out of him. He barely heard her friend warning her. “Luna, stop. This isn’t you talking.”  

“No, let her talk.” Matteo was proud he didn’t sound as hurt as he was feeling.

“Oh, so you’re talking to me now?” her sarcasm was throwing him off. Why was she mad about him not talking to her when she basically ignored him too? “Or do I have to wait another two weeks for you to answer me again?” Oh.

Oh.

“You’re mad abou-”

“Dude, no.” Was that…? When had Gastón arrived that he didn’t even notice? He felt his friend squeeze his shoulder, before palming it a couple times. “Don’t answer that, you’ll never win that argument.” He whispered, shaking his head in Luna’s direction. Then he turned to everyone in the room. “So, what did I miss?”

[fuckyeahjamieandclaire]

It turns out love can conquer crow’s feet. Executive producer Maril Davis on the period drama’s decision to let love, not age lines, drive Claire and Jamie’s reunion arc despite a 20-year time jump.

There’s always been plenty to envy about Claire and Jamie, the star-crossed couple whose centuries-spanning romance propels the period drama Outlander. They’re capable, brave, and beautiful, blessed by an unbreakable bond, strong convictions, and even stronger sex drives. Since the series’ first season, their ear-pleasing accents, smoldering, soul-searching looks, telegenic love-making, and repeated rescues of each other’s lives have set a high standard, relationship-wise. But recent episodes of Outlander have introduced us to yet another quality we wish we had in common with Claire and Jamie: They’re almost immune to aging.

By their third seasons, many TV series settle into a rut—a familiar and welcome one, in the case of some comfort TV, but less so for hour-long dramas with fantasy elements, which traffic in twists and upheaval. But disrupting the status quo wasn’t a struggle for Outlander, an adaptation of Diana Gabaldon’s book series, which comprises eight novels (with a ninth on the way) and assorted shorter works. Through 37 episodes, the Starz series’ story is still closer to takeoff than landing, working through the third book in the sequence, 1993’s Voyager.

The events of Voyager dictated an unorthodox interlude for a program that’s centered on the interplay (and intercourse) between two charismatic and chemistry-laden leads: an extended separation and a mutual 20-year time jump. At the end of Season 2, the pregnant Claire (a 20th-century English nurse who in the first season accidentally slips into the past through, um, a mystical stone) and Jamie (her 18th-century, red-haired highlander lover) are forced to break up by the impending Battle of Culloden, at which Jamie, a Jacobite rebel, expects to be (and nearly is) killed.

To protect their soon-to-be-born daughter Brianna, Claire (played by Caitriona Balfe) returns to the 1940s. Believing that Jamie (played by Sam Heughan) did die, she does her best to move on, relocating to Boston, raising Brianna, becoming a doctor, and growing apart from her first husband, Frank, who’s caring and attentive but lacks Jamie’s highland lilt, kilt collection, and Men’s Health cover physique. Jamie, meanwhile, survives battle, torture, and imprisonment (nothing new for him), grows and shaves a big beard, fathers a son, pivots to printing and smuggling, and gets married again out of loneliness, all while carrying an eternal torch for Claire. Midway through the third season, after almost five episodes apart, they reunite in the mid-1760s, two decades older but no less in love—and, curiously, looking a lot like they did the last time they were together.

“I wanted to look—well, the same as when you last saw me,” Claire says with some trepidation during their first conversation, admitting that she’s dyed away the single gray streak that had appeared in her hair in earlier, Boston-centric scenes. Mission accomplished, Claire. Neither member of Outlander’s leading duo looks any worse for wear after 20 years of imprisonment, parenthood, and pining for lost love. 

For Outlander’s creators, the time jump presented a production dilemma, not because of the story (which Gabaldon had already plotted out) or setting (most viewers aren’t well-versed in the intricacies of 1740s vs. 1760s style), but because of the actors’ appearances. In real life, a two-decade difference isn’t invisible, no matter how much St. Ives Oatmeal and Shea Butter Lotion you lather on because of Balfe.

Heughan, 37, and Balfe, 38, were both 34 when the series premiere aired in 2014, but their characters were considerably younger. “Jamie’s kind of early 20s, Claire is late 20s when it starts,” Outlander executive producer Maril Davis says by phone. Three years passed between Claire’s first time jump back to 1743 and the Battle of Culloden, which, Davis says, would put both of them in their “mid- to later-40s after the [20-year] time jump.” Although the creators talked about shortening the story’s time jump to reduce the need to alter the actors’ appearance, they found that they couldn’t do it without omitting too many plot points from the characters’ time apart.

Aware that the time jump was looming, the producers started doing screen tests last season with Balfe and Heughan, in consultation with head of hair and makeup Annie McEwan, who had worked on Season 4 of Game of Thrones before joining the Outlander crew. After experimenting with various looks, the creative team decided, essentially, that both Balfe and Heughan were too hot to convincingly tamper with by obscuring their actual features. “We have two actors who happen to be incredibly beautiful people,” Davis says. “It is hard to make them look bad, damn them.” Originally, the pair’s first post-reunion sex scene featured a reference to stretch marks, but the writers lost that line from the script, Davis says, when the makeup crew informed them that stretch marks “don't read very well on camera.”

Even apart from the specific challenge of wrinkling, graying, and thickening two age-resistant actors, the transition from 20s to 40s is a particularly tough one. “It's hard to make young people look incrementally older,” Davis says. “It's obviously a little easier—and I put ‘easier’ in quotes—if you're aging someone up from like 30 to 80. … With two actors who look so young anyways in their real life, we realized that we couldn't do major jumps without it looking fake, and also taking a lot of extra time in hair and makeup, as well as using a lot of extra prosthetics.”

For Davis, a veteran of more explicitly sci-fi (and more makeup- and prosthetic-reliant) productions such as Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica, Outlander’s understated approach to the aging process didn’t come intuitively. “There were some times that I said to our hair and makeup team, ‘Can we go farther? Because you can't read some of these lines that you're painting on camera,’” Davis says. “And they were horrified. They were like, ‘Are you kidding? Oh my god, we can't go any farther.’ It's interesting, because you also have to take the advice of people that have been in the business doing the hair and makeup a long time, knowing that they can only go so far until they feel uncomfortable because it doesn't look real anymore.”

In addition to the aging uncanny valley, there’s the time cost to the talent and crew to consider. A heavier hand on the cosmetic side—on top of the prosthetic flogging scars already applied to Heughan’s back in shirtless scenes for much of the series’ run—would mean much more time in makeup chairs, staring blankly into mirrors as fake years and real hours add up. Though according to Davis, Balfe and Heughan, who were frequently consulted, never expressed any reservations about hiding their youth under veneers of age. “They're both very game for whatever we want to do, and so this isn't a vanity thing,” she says. “Neither of them, I don't think, at any point has ever said, ‘I have to look good, so don't make me look too old.’”

This was a weighty decision, because the ramifications for the series could extend far into the future. Unlike some shows or movies that might insert a brief flash-forward in a single scene or episode, Outlander is committed to the time jump for the long term. Whatever aging the crew applied to Balfe and Heughan now would sentence them to the same look for years to come on a series that may still be relatively early in its run (which already has been renewed for a fourth season). That’s not only a nuisance, but potentially an acting inhibitor, as Davis says Heughan discovered while wearing his wild beard in the third season’s second episode. “If you have something on your face like that, sometimes it's a little harder to talk, you're more aware of it, it takes you out,” Davis says. “So all of these things are factors, and same with if we were getting into heavy prosthetics to make actors appear much older than they are.”

The end result of all the discussion and screen tests is a difference so subtle that you have to squint to see it—just like the new, older Jamie has to squint to see small text without wearing his reading glasses. Specs aside, he looks almost unchanged. “With Sam, we've kind of weathered him, adding more shading to his face,” Davis says. “We've got some lines that the hair and makeup department have put in themselves, and then greying at the temples for him, as well as with Caitriona. We realized because her skin is also so young that we'd have to sell a lot of it with the gray in her hair.” Of course, even that gray is gone now, at least temporarily, although Davis says its absence stems from an impulse to portray Claire’s humanizing insecurity, rather than a need to preserve the stars’ romance-novel looks (which she acknowledges are part of the show’s appeal). “So much of our talk about appearance is motivated from a character standpoint,” she says. “I don't think we ever go, ‘Oh my god, they have to look amazing because this show is trying to sell a fantasy element.’” But who’s to say that the mystical stones don’t have anti-aging effects?

In navigating the time jump, the producers’ overriding desire was to avoid distracting the audience by going overboard on aging. “You don't want to be taken out of the moment, sitting back watching at home,” Davis says. At times, though, the lack of aging is its own sort of distraction. My wife and I giggled through one supposed-to-be-tender scene as the script tried to sell us on these nearly identical-looking 30-something specimens as people pushing 50. “I don’t look like an old man?” Jamie asks self-consciously, shortly before exposing his still-chiseled chest. And Claire, after completely disrobing to reveal her youthful frame, tells an admiring Jamie, "You must really be losing your eyesight." Nobody’s buying it, guys.

The aging-related dialogue is less jarring when it alludes to the absurdity of the situation, as when Claire marvels to Jamie, “Most men in their 40s have started to go soft around the middle. You haven't a spare ounce on you,” or when she greets the family lawyer by exclaiming, “You look exactly the same!” (No Battlestar fat suits here.) In other scenes, though, the actors convincingly convey the passage of time through emotion, even though they both remain outwardly radiant. “We had so many discussions with Caitriona and Sam about this internal aging, because some of it, you are trying to sell this gravitas of 20 years of loss through their acting, which I think they do so well,” Davis says.

The best asset Outlander has in hand-waving its characters’ immutability is an audience that’s willing to suspend disbelief. “Let's be honest, we could've kept these two apart for a week and it would've seemed like an eternity,” Davis says. “I think for the fans it probably seemed like 100 years—for us as well. So I don't think we needed to add to that at all.”And if—like a lot of the Outlander faithful—you’re the sentimental type who doesn’t mind some soapiness, you’ll accept that love can conquer crow’s feet. “I think in a weird way, that 20 years just kind of faded away when they saw each other again,” Davis says. “In some ways, it was like so much time had passed, and in other ways it was like no time had passed at all because that love had never died.”

With the reunion episode’s semi-awkward aging exchanges behind it, Outlander soon stops dwelling on appearances: The following week, Jamie fireman’s carries a man from a burning building, and the week after that, not-so-newlyweds Claire and Jamie tear off their clothes and writhe around on the floor. Most Outlander watchers wouldn’t have it any other way.

Judging by the books (spoilers!), there’s still a chance that we’ll see an actually old-looking Claire and Jamie in future seasons. “If we're lucky enough to do all the books, they're in their 60s in the current books,” Davis says. “So we do want to also have somewhere to go, and we do need to use, as a base, our two actors, who are very young, and so we want to be with them on this journey.”

But based on this season, don’t be surprised if the 60-something couple doesn’t look a day over 45. “Time doesn’t matter, Sassenach,” Jamie says in Season 3’s sixth episode, using his pet name for Claire. “You will always be beautiful to me.” And also, most likely, to everyone watching at home.

[weallneedsomethingtobelievein]

1-98 :)

how tall are you? i’m 5′3

what is your body type? my body type? um I guess you’d say i’m overweight. but working on it :)

what is your favorite part about your body? I’d probably go with my hair and my lips. but I can honestly say I love my whole body.

is your current hair color your natural hair color? I think it is mostly. I have some blonde in it that hasn't grown out yet though.

are you more outgoing or more shy? more shy 100%

are you more femme or butch? im somewhere in the middle, but id say I lean towards the more femme side.

are you tol or smol? smol, as @cunnningstunt likes to point out all the time.

wine mom or vodka aunt? prob the wine mom.

weird habit? 

favorite meme?

do you sing in the shower? from time to time.

ever used a bow and arrow? I haven’t.

are/were you a theatre kid? nope.

have you ever seen a broadway musical? once. I saw the beauty and the beast when I was a kid.

do you think musicals are cheesy? nope. Courtney would kill me if I said yes anyways.

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march? nope.

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card? the first one that comes to mind is “Daniel Radcliffe’s delicious asshole.”

last movie you watched? Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

behind the camera or in front of it? im always behind the camera. and awkward in front of it. but I want pictures taken of me so I don't know where that leaves me lol.

favorite tv show? this is a hard one. Im gonna go with Atypical for right now.

meaning behind your url? I made this my URL over 8 years ago and I think I googles quotes or something, found one I liked and called it a day.

reason you joined tumblr? all my friends had one so I wanted one too. fast forward 8 years and im like the only one still here lmao. well, me and maybe 2 others.

who’s your closest tumblr friend? @cunnningstunt surprise! its you.

what’s something most people love that you hate? 

have you ever taken narcotics? never.

have you had sex? yes.

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? im pretty sure my mom walked in on me masturbating once lmao but its a vague memory.

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told? im straight.

describe your passion without mentioning it. 

describe your best friend.

give us one thing about you that no one knows.

how do you feel right now? I feel content. a lil lonely but content. I actually got to do my hair and get dressed in normal clothes so I feel human.

what is your biggest fear? abandonment.

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? soulmate by lizzo.

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?  to stop caring about what others think and doing what makes me happy.

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end? FUCKING YES.

something you fantasize about. living in my own apartment, driving, and being a functioning adult with healthy relationships.

last time you cried and why? I think it was when I teared up watching This Is Us the other day. But really cried? I can’t remember.

what was the last thing that made you laugh? 

do you really, truly miss someone right now? yessss I do.

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Courtney and Adam are two that come to mind.

the last time you felt broken? recently, lamenting about how I feel stuck in my job and my life.

are you starting to realize anything? that im a bad bitch and always have been even if I don't feel like it all the time.

are you more dominant or more submissive? ive been submissive in the past but haven't played around with being dominant so who knows.

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank) this is a long list sooooooo.

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older? I tend to go for younger.

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.

do you have any kinks? I might.

first thing you notice in a person? eyes.

how can someone win your heart? make me laugh and feel important. I also have a tag #waystomyheart on my blog of things Id love.

been rejected by a crush? oh yeah.

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? ^^

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? I mean, why not.

is trust a big issue for you? sometimes yeah.

did you hang out with the person you like recently?

is confidence cute? very.

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? not at all.

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? yes lmao.

do you want to get married? I don't know if I would again. but I think I would.

worst thing you’ve ever done? slept with a friends ex after they broke up and hung out with her the next day. obviously we’re not friends anymore.

three things that turn you on. (prolonged) eye contact, neck kisses and a pretty smile.

who do you hate? 45.

favorite term of endearment? babe.

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening? I didn’t have one.

intimidating girls or kind girls? por que no los dos?

what do you look for in a possible partner? 

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls? I like more feminine and androgynous girls/nb people.

are you good at flirting? NO LMFAO.

who was the first person you came out to? weirdly enough, my ex husband (then boyfriend). he was really cool about it.

do you have any friends who are wlw? yes.

is your crush wlw?

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?

write a short love poem to your crush/self? bitch, you’re worth it.

do you fall in love easily? somewhat.

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? absolutely.

are you good at hiding your feelings? I mean, no.

are you a forgiving person? I try to be.

what is your “type?” man, hell if I know.

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours? both.

tall girls or short girls? both.

hugs or kisses? bothhhh.

twirl her around or get twirled? I don't care lol.

tummy kisses or thigh kisses? both are nice for different reasons. but tummy kisses are especially nice because that's something ive always been self conscious about.

hairline kisses or neck kisses? neck.

play with her hair or stroke her tummy? playing with her hair.

making out or soft kisses? how many times do I have to say both.

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist? I guess once more cant hurt ^

how confident are you in your sexuality? confident that it wont change? pretty sure, but I’ll never say never. but as far as approaching and flirting with women? absolutely not.

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach? yeah both.

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them? I did. and I didn’t necessarily tell them but they knew because it was obvious.

how old were you when you realized you were into girls? I think I was 17 or 18.

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon? CAZZIE AND FUCK YES.

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality? “that's hot” fuck you my sexuality isn't for your consumption. I’ve also had “homosexuality is a mental illness” directed at me.

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter? recently.

what is love to you? 

[wendynerdwrites]

Im glad that u also like archer. Ive been rewatching it (im on s2) and i feel guilty as a feminist for liking it so much :( i know a lot of the jokes are supposed to be ironic but i still feel bad for laughing, and my bf has made comments abt "how can u laugh at that as a feminist" (he isnt one, hes using it as a gotcha). How do u feel about this? Any advice for separating myself from toxic fandom to just be able to enjoy something problematic? Love ur blog btw happy friday 💋💋

Thanks, and don’t worry, anon: You’re not a bad feminist. 

It’s funny you ask this, but I used to have an entire essay series on this exact topic, and on Archer, particularly!

My philosophy is: don’t ignore the problematic, examine it. Use it as a springboard for analysis so you can learn more about the issue conveyed. Use your problematic responsibly! Because, let’s be honest, there ARE no unproblematic pieces of media. So just use it to educate yourself instead. For instance: my love of West Side Story (starring Natalie Wood as the Puerto Rican Maria) got me to learn more about the issues of white-washing.

Being a feminist is not about being perfect, it’s about learning and being open to examination and learning. Use your fandom for good!

Laughter is the balm for the soul. And listening to your boyfriend telling you how to be a feminist… less so. Kind of the opposite. 

My old articles are lost, for the most part, but under the cut, I’ve pasted them for reference and included a great video on satire that also very easily applies to this discussion (just substitute feminism with the Holocaust)

Our Faves Are Problematic (And So Can You!)

Nothing and no one is perfect, so isnt it about time we learn how to call out the things we love?

We are all familiar with guilty pleasures: those things we like in spite of ourselves, that we are ashamed to admit we enjoy. Usually the term is applied to something we enjoy despite a perceived “lameness”, or because we’re not the right demographic for something. For instance, I still have a deep, abiding affection for Sailor Moon: that colorful, stock-footage-laced Japanese phenomenon that still gets me shouting “MOON PRISM POWER!” when I’m in the right mood. Yes, childhood is over, and yes, the show’s American dub did give me incest panic as a child, but I can’t help but love it.

But then there is the more difficult brand of guilty pleasures guilty pleasures that involve actual guilt instead of “mild embarrassment”. I’m talking about problematic faves the stuff that we love despite it containing clearly objectionable material.

willing18

(Image copyright Vertigo Comics)

…This is a panel from Bill Willingham’s Fables. The character there is Bigby Wolf, one of the main (anti) heroes of the story and the character the writer identifies with most. The person Bigby is waxing poetically on pro-Zionism to is someone literally called “The Adversary”.

Fables also happens to be one of my favorite comic book series on the planet.

Safe to say the issues surrounding Israel, Palestine, and the Middle East are a bit more complicated than that. And my own feelings on the matter are far more complicated. But this glorification of Israeli military policy is… um… in very tame terms… uncomfortable. After reading this, I resolved to only check Fables out of the library: a way for me to enjoy these comics in a legal way without financially supporting these ideas, however indirectly.

There are other problems with Fables: a lack of ethnic diversity, some murky racial and class commentary, and instances of some objectionable tropes, but there is a lot to recommend of these books as well. The stories are fantastic, the art brilliant, the characters well-fleshed out, and there is a definite progressive take on issues like gender and sexuality. But as much as I love this series, there is no getting around the fact that these stories have issues.

No excuses.

But it’s not just Fables that has disappointed me in the past. I am now and forever a Trekker, yet despite how horribly sexist episodes like “The Turnabout Intruder” are, or the very troubling anti-Semitic coding of the Ferengi. The Star Wars prequels famously had racist caricatures with the Trade Federation and the infamous Jar Jar Binks.

In the world of media, there’s no shortage of problematic content. From the novels of Robert Heinlein containing pro-fascist commentary, to HBO’s Game of Thrones misogynistic adaptation decisions, there’s nothing that is quite free of some messed up messages, subtle and blatant alike.

Now, when we talk about such media, we don’t merely mean triggering factors (i.e. the presentation, portrayal, or discussion of potentially traumatizing issues like domestic abuse, racism, hate crimes, substance abuse, or sexual assault), but rather how these matters are portrayed. A piece of media, such as Marvel and Netflix’s excellent Jessica Jones series, can portray certain issues (such as sexual assault, domestic violence, and mental illness) in a respectful, progressive, and sensitive light. Thus, while the content of the show can be triggering, the skill with which they portray these matters keeps it from being problematic.

In contrast, something like Game of Thrones, which portrays sexual assault in a thoroughly insensitive, exploitative, and misogynistic manner, is highly problematic.

Unfortunately, progress has been a slow-moving process, with many issues such as race, gender, sexual identity, mental illness, substance abuse, and violence only being examined in a more nuanced way fairly recently. As a result, almost all media is problematic in one way or another. Especially since even today, the majority of executives crafting, publishing, and greenlighting books, shows, comics, movies, and other forms of media are in fact cisgendered, heterosexual white men.

So what do we do?

Good news: here at Fandom Following, we don’t believe in dropping something you like just because it’s problematic. Why?

Because knowing, examining, and yes, even appreciating problematic content can be incredibly important. While certain content can be damaging, it can also teach us a great deal. Not only about current issues, but also about how to go about discussing these matters, and constructing narratives in general.

The racial issues in things like Star Wars and Star Trek can teach us much about how coding works, and how to avoid reinforcing stereotypes. The exploitation of women and rape on Game of Thrones can open up a dialogue of how to portray these things properly and improperly.

There are three tricks to enjoying problematic media: 1) Recognizing that there is an issue, 2) Being ready for a dialogue, and 3) Not ignoring or silencing the complaints about said issues.

Well, we here at Fandom Following have decided to tackle this issue head on with a series called “Our Faves Are Problematic (And So Can You!)”, where we will be exploring specific media franchises, creators, and works and, specifically, the problematic content they contain. In this series, we’ll be examining the issues, talking about why they’re important, discussing what this piece of media did wrong, how to approach the issue in a more progressive way, and the best ways to go about discussing the issue itself. Various writers will be contributing to this project, and we’re excited to present this feature to you!

So let’s get down and dirty, people. We all have our problematic faves. Let’s talk about them.

My Face is Problematic: Archer

Honestly, doing a post like this on Archer, a show which is deliberate in its dark humor, is a bit hard for me. Not because I like the show, but because I think there’s true validity in the argument that humor and narratives about really messed up, problematic stuff has its place. The show exists to be as outlandish and absurd as possible. The extremes and the awfulness of the characters’ personalities and their actions is the point.

I VUZ BORN IN DUSSELDORF AND THAT IS VY THEY CALL ME ROLF!

Joking about awful things, awful circumstances, and awful people is hardly new ground for comedy to cover, nor does it send a poor message, necessarily. Mel Brooks wrote a movie in which one of the characters was a Nazi, who wrote an overblown pro-Nazi musical produced by men deliberately trying to make a flop. Springtime For Hitler, as it exists in our universe, is not problematic. The Nazis are the butt of the joke, in which any pro-Nazi sentiment can only function if it is wildly fabricated and over-the-top, and even then, it will still be taken for satire. Because Nazis are utterly terrible, they built their movement on total bullshit that they dressed up in shiny boots and Hugo Boss uniforms and German exceptionalism and “glory”. This song-and-dance number about “Don’t be stupid, be a smartie, come and join the Nazi party” only ever deserves to be a joke, as the Jew who wrote it can tell you. Nazis fucking suck and it’s hilarious that anyone would ever suggest otherwise.

There’s justice in reducing Nazis to self-parody, and doubling down on that by making a joke about them being reduced to self-parody. Especially when said self-parody and depiction of it is crafted by the very people Hitler tried to destroy. No one enjoys or masters mocking Nazis like the Jews. Plain and simple.

Joking about awful things and how terrible they are can be a good way to process things and not allow them to hurt you anymore. Comedy, at its core, is a defense mechanism against horror and pain. There’s a reason slapstick is a classic subgenre of comedy that people have built entire careers around. Laugh at terror and pain to make it go away. Unfortunately, some of the things we manage to find humor in can really make you wonder if were all just terrible and have no limits.

Angela’s Ashes is a memoir by Frank McCourt about his impoverished, abusive, dangerous childhood in Ireland. In it, he chronicles his own starvation, life-threatening illness, abuse, and suffering at the hands of alcoholism and brutality from adult authority figures. He was a child laborer who went days without food while his father drank away the family’s money and abused the rest of the family, who often came down with horrifying illnesses as a result of the terrible conditions he lived in, and spent his formative years suffering along with all the people he loved. Three of his infant siblings die within the space of a chapter. We get a glimpse of the time when his father, overjoyed at the birth of his daughter, finds the will to stop drinking, stop mistreating his family, go to work, provide for his family, and just generally be a better person so that his children don’t have to suffer. For a short period, the McCourts have food, heat, and happiness. Then the baby promptly dies and Frank’s father is back in the pubs, once again squandering any pay he manages to acquire on alcohol and returning home at three am to scream at and beat his wife while his remaining children try to cover their ears and sleep on the cold ground.

Along with being praised for it being a both an unflinchingly brutal depiction of poverty and a testament to the triumph of the human spirit, the book is also praised for its humor.

Remember: Angela’s Ashes is a true story written by the very man who suffered through all of these horrible things. And it’s considered a pretty funny book. And the author who, once again, is the person who actually suffered all of these horrible things, actually did intentionally try to make people laugh as they read about that time he was in the hospital with Typhoid Fever and enjoyed it because it was the first time he’d been in a place where he was fed regularly and got to sleep in a warm bed.

Hilarious.

That being said, there’s satire and dark humor, and there’s just gratuitous, shock-jock bullshit. There are jokes that are terrible simply because of what they’re about and how they’re handled. George Carlin said that anything can be made funny, even rape, if you imagine Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig.

If we can build entire films and musicals about how any pro-Hitler sentiment can only ever be taken as satire, isn’t that proof that you can joke about anything?

Yes, you can, but that doesn’t mean you should try, that the joke is funny, or that it’s alright, necessarily. Maybe Elmer Fudd, Porky Pig, and Springtime for Hitler prove that anything can be made funny and that’s okay. But if that’s true (and no, I’m not saying that it is), that still doesn’t mean every attempt at making something funny is either acceptable or funny.

Springtime for Hitler is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for any attempt to make a terrible subject the object of humor. Standards need to exist.

Unfortunately, the line between good or acceptable dark humor and simply gratuitous, insensitive, inherently problematic jokes can blur. The excuse of humor can only go so far. Yes, make light of Nazis. But there’s still a point where “humor” is used an excuse for people to act like assholes. And it’s an excuse that is used all too often. Radio Shock Jocks have been using that excuse to help reinforce racism and rape culture for quite a while. Whether certain dudebros like it or not, there’s a point where it stops being gross-out and just starts being gross.

Which brings me to Archer, the animated spy comedy on FX that premiered in 2011. Like many comedy series like Seinfeld or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a major part of the premise is that certain characters are, quite simply, terrible people. These characters and their abhorrent behavior is the joke. And, as the show is about spies, these terrible people are often put into highly dangerous, outlandish, and traumatizing situations.

So, the main characters, by virtue of their profession, spend a lot of time killing people in cold blood. Or trying to seduce or manipulate enemies. Or engaging in clandestine operations of sabotage that harm a lot of people. Horrible, violent things are going to happen, things violent enough to serve as narratives on their own. But most of the characters are as awful as the situations they encounter, so the horror is amplified. And it’s a comedy.

Indeed, in the first episode of the fifth season, we get the whole main ensemble recounting all of their actions and experiences working for the spy agency ISIS that we’d witnessed over the course of the show’s run at that point. Drag racing with the Yakuza, knee-capping the Irish mob, encountering human traffickers, 30 year affairs with the head of the KGB that only ended when the guy was blown up because one of the ISIS members had choke sex with the victim’s cyborg replacement, actual piracy, paying homeless people to fight for spectators, defling a corpse, defiling a different corpse, sexual assault, kidnapping the pope, blowing up oil pipelines, “smuggling Mexicans”

Yeah.

There are comedic arcs about cancer, illegal immigration, kinky S&M bondage murders, cocaine addiction… a lot of stuff, basically.

Now, take those situations, and add in characters who get aroused by things like homeless people, being choked, sex with food, and the thought of their mother dying. Who spend their weekends starting fires, making hybrid pig-people, rubbing sand into the eyes of their employees, competing in underground Chinese Fighting Fish tournaments, and calling in bomb threats so that they can get a table at a fancy restaurant. You get the idea.

And it’s all totally awesome and hilarious and god damn it I kind of love these characters.

This show has a season-long sub-arc about one of the main characters getting so aggressively addicted to cocaine that she not only consumes (literally) half a ton of it in the space of a few months, but almost gets her head chopped off for buying amphetamines from the Yakuza with counterfeit money. It’s one of the most incredible things the show has done.

Pictured: An absurdly self-centered man feeling genuine dismay and concern over his friend risking her life to achieve an unrealistic standard of beauty.

The title character has a butler named Woodhouse who practically raised him. One of the first interactions we witness between them is Archer not only threatening to rub sand into Woodhouse’s “dead little eyes”, but making him go out and buy the sand himself and check if they grade it, because he wants the sand to be coarse. He’s also done things like make the man eat a bowl of spiderwebs and deliberately keep him in the dark about his brother’s death and funeral.

Another character is a mad scientist and possible clone of Adolf Hitler who kills a young intern by giving him a drug designed to turn him gay. That’s one of the less disturbing things Dr. Krieger has done.

Frequent gags on this show include one guy repeatedly getting shot, another character repeatedly getting paralyzed (it’s complicated), people trying to remember the inappropriate puns that they wanted say as one-liners, the horrific abuse and neglect Sterling Archer has received from his mother his entire life, and basically everyone being a sex-maniac.

There are plots revolving around mind-control, drugging people, and hypnotism. You can imagine the paths some of those episodes go down. Yes, there is a character that has tried to sexually assault one of her sleeping co-workers. And later deposited two unconscious, naked coworkers in a bathroom stall with an octopus, in an episode that has already made tentacle hentai jokes. Yes, the openly gay character on the show is often the target of jokes about him being gay or a woman from his coworkers. Yes, the female lead, a black woman, is referred to as a “quadroon” at one point by one of the characters.

Yes, the following exchange of dialogue does take place in an early episode:

“Oh my god, you killed a hooker!”

“Call-girl!”

“No, Cyril, when they’re dead, they’re just hookers!”

And yet… Oh my god. How it manages to play around with stuff in an amazing fashion. For one thing, it is amazing how often this show skewers micro-aggressions and fucks around with stereotypes. And, despite how unabashedly messed up it is, the writing in it actually manages to be oddly pro-social progress in ways that most modern media doesn’t even seem to be aware of.

I take pride in my sex work and I will not put up with your bullshit!

For instance the “hooker” referred to in that exchange? (spoiler alert: she wasn’t really dead) She’s Trinette, and she an unbelievably refreshing and strangely progressive depiction of a sex worker. While she’s a minor character, every time she shows up, it’s awesome. Trinette is a sex worker who is unashamed of her job, a woman who truly does take pride in and enjoy her work, who does not put up with poor behavior from her clients, and is just generally awesome. She call people out and makes them pay for any mistreatment she receives, from calling out micro-aggressions by insisting on her preferred terminology for her profession (“Call-girl, you puke!”), shaming men for their sexual misdeeds (“How can you cheat on Lana bare-back?!”), demanding restitution for any injuries or threats she’s suffered (Threatening Archer into giving her his car after he fakes her death and stuffs her in a rug to fool Cyril into thinking he killed her), and determining her work and clients (“What about Trinette? She said that? Damn it!”). When she has a baby, she gives it her last name along with his father’s (“Magoon-Archer”) and she unapologetically proud of her Irish heritage. She’s easily one of the most functional characters in the show, and every one of her appearances on the show manage to defy at least one whore-phobic trope a minute. She’s the best.

Then there’s the show’s handling of race, which is mixed. While arguably the most important female character in the series (the show, despite its name, is very, very much an ensemble, especially as the series progresses. But in the early episodes when they focussed on fewer characters, she was the one who got the most screentime) is Lana Kane, a highly-competent (for ISIS) African American woman who is really, really well-developed, there is also the fact that she’s the only POC in the main cast. Granted, part of that IS the point. One of the earliest episodes is “Diversity Hire”, where, aside from Lana, the spy agency is so overwhelmingly white that they hire a “diversity double-whammy!” Conway Stern, a black Jew.

“Sammy Gay-vis Junior!”

Now, granted, that doesn’t sound great the way I describe it, but there are so many great moments in this episode alone. For instance, when Mallory Archer, terrible woman and owner of the spy agency mentions their lack of diversity, Cyril, the tragically white accountant and “nice guy” puts his hands on Lana’s shoulder and says he thinks they’re pretty diverse, a statement Lana finds hilarious. Cue Sterling Archer, other horrible person, telling Lana she’s “black-ish”, then responding to her offense at this with “Well, you freaked out when I said quadroon!”. The framing of this entire discourse is that Cyril and Archer are fucking idiots and Lana is of course taking offense because, duh, she should. The episode proceeds with a lot of references and discussion about racism, highlighting casual racism in a nuanced, funny, and organic way. For instance, Archer’s relief that Conway didn’t sleep with his mother. While Archer freaks out about anyone sleeping with his mother, regardless of race, Conway believes it’s racism on Archer’s fault. And in no way does the narrative act like he’s overly-sensitive or irrational for thinking that. Because the stereotype about black men seducing white women and fear from white men about this is still a very real, pervasive thing that has somehow managed to survive in our “enlightened” times. Of course Conway encountering a guy who displays a downright violent fixation on whether or not his new black coworker is sleeping with his mother will assume it’s a race thing. Because why would anyone be so preoccupied with such an idea? In that situation, it’s almost certainly based on the long-standing paranoia white men have about black men’s sexuality “conquering their women.” It’s one of the most common varieties of anti-blackness in existence.

Of course, since it’s Archer, who has kidnapped a LOT of people under the suspicion that they were having sex with his mom, we know this is the one case that it isn’t racism. It’s Archer’s disturbing, Oedipal relationship with his mother. He even kidnapped and threatened his role model, Burt Reynolds, for dating his mother. When he says “Not in a racist way” to Conway in this episode, it’s actually true. He’s just honestly that screwed up where his mother is concerned.

Conway’s conclusions on this, regardless, are still framed as a totally understandable. To the point where the episodes suggests that it would make no sense for Conway to think otherwise. Part of the joke is that no, Archer isn’t a horrible racist at all. He’s way too screwed up for his actions to be motivated by racism.

And before anyone asks, no, this wasn’t the “episode that acknowledges that racism is a thing.” You know the ones… The episodes that talk about race and why racism is bad to prove to the audience that they’re not racist, then proceed with the rest of the show, which never acknowledges race and racism again. There are frequent instances of highlighting racism, from violent outright bigotry to common micro-aggressions to clueless white people demanding how the thing they just did/said could POSSIBLY be considered racist! They’re not racist! How is THAT racist?! Cue Lana face-palming.

I just really, really like this. It doesn’t just end there, either. Racism is called out pretty frequently on this show, and not in a cliche, strawman way. Nor is it treated like something that only exists in the form of aggressively bigoted bad people shouting slurs and holding cross burnings. Nope. The “heroes” of this show just say shit that you could easily imagine someone saying in real life, shortly before getting defensive about any racism on their part. It’s treated as a common, pervasive thing that Lana and other PoC have to deal with every day, and the offense they take at it is treated as nothing short of sympathetic or justified (even in the cases of misunderstandings, like with Conway). This includes Mallory telling Lana to “put [the race card] back in the deck!” as reminder of how much of an unapologetic douche Mallory is.

It’s made clear: people say and do some super racist shit on a regular basis with realizing it or meaning to, and regardless, it’s still uncool and people have every right to get upset and call you out on it. See: Ray’s bionic hand at the end of season six.

Lana’s reactions and how they’re framed is usually pretty awesome. Mostly they come in the form of small, reasonable confrontations, which are never framed as an overreaction on her part. The fact that she “freaked out” when Archer called her a quadroon is framed as “well, duh, of course, she should.” Then there are instances like when she, Archer, and their child visit a high-end nursery school where they encounter a pretty obvious racist. The guy ignores and dismisses Lana at first, then expresses surprise at the fact that she’s the mother of the child (despite the baby being black), remarking about the “times we live in” and telling Lana “good for you!” when she informs him that yes, she is the mother, not the nanny or the maid.

Not all of the racism stuff stems from Lana being back, either. They skewer bigotry against Latinos on a pretty regular basis. When an Irish mobster rants about Latinos (he doesn’t refer to them by that name) “taking American jobs!”, Archer immediately calls bullshit, recalling actual history of the Irish being accused of that exact same thing during the mass immigration of the Irish to America during the potato famine, and it’s just as shitty and bigoted to say such things about immigrants now as it was in 1842. He is extremely irate about a mission ISIS is assigned to do on behalf of border patrol to  arrest people who just want to get a job, and he ends up siding with and befriending the Mexican illegal immigrants he encounters. All of this while aspects of certain Latinx cultures are often highlighted, often very favorably (“Ramone is Latino, so he’s not afraid to express affection.”)

That being said, there are still a lot of issues in the show. The lack of diversity is definitely an albatross around this show’s neck. Especially so many seasons after the ���Diversity Hire” episode. While I do praise Archer for not treating racism as a thing that is rare and only needs to be addressed in one twenty-minute block of time, it is telling that the lack of diversity at ISIS is never addressed again.

Then there’s the approach to sexuality. The show loves gross-out sex humor, especially regarding Krieger. And the depiction of sexuality is actually pretty mixed. On one hand, the openly gay character in the show adheres to a lot of stereotypes about gay men: he mocks Lana about her “knock-off Fiacci drawers”, his go-to alias is “Carl Channing”, his free time is spent at raves, and he loves to make effeminate poses. He’s also a frequent target of homophobic jokes and remarks. His outrage at this is treated as being every bit as valid as Lana’s, but it doesn’t change the fact that their main gay character is basically ALL of the stereotypes, as are a number of the other gay characters.

“Alright! Were off to get our scrotums waxed!”

Then there is the sexual assault. Which, once again, is called out for being what it is, in defiance of many common biases (such as the idea that female-on-male sexual assault isn’t a thing). But this show is way too flippant about this.

While I consider Archer to be very sex-positive, allowing every character, regardless of sex, age, or orientation, to be comfortable and expressive about their sexuality without judgment (a lot of jokes, yes, but not any that come off as particularly shaming). Almost every character, male or female spends a fair amount of time naked or scantily clad. We see Archer stripped down just as often as Lana. And the fan service isn’t relegated to just women who adhere to the typical youth and weight obsessed eurocentric standards we all know and hate.

Pam, who is a big woman (and often the target of fat jokes, which the show always treats as nothing short of detestable) is a total sex goddess who grows to be utterly confident in herself as a woman to the point where she’s giving Mallory (one of the most desired women on the show) advice. When she reveals that she keep ingesting cocaine because it’s made her thin with big boobs, Archer is utterly dismayed, telling her she was way better off the way she was, acting horrified that she’d risk her life to be “hot”, and just generally freaking out about Pam’s desire to be thin. It manages to avoid being cliche or empty given that Archer considered Pam the best sex he ever had before she got thin, to the point of blowing off assignments just to have sex with her, because she’s just that awesome. After she gains the weight back in season six, she’s still sexy, making Archer’s jaw drop in the episode “Edie’s Wedding.” She’s also unapologetically pansexual, which is awesome.

Mallory, meanwhile, is still actively sexual and treated as desirable. While sex and sexuality are always sources of gags and jokes on Archer, never do the jokes about Mallory’s sexuality ever come across as ageist. Sure, some characters make ageist comments on the show, but it’s never treated as valid. Mallory is still treated as being extremely sexy and confident about it. While Mallory is generally a horrible person, her enthusiastic sexual agency is never once treated as a flaw or something disturbing or gross. What’s disturbing, gross, and worthy of ridicule is her son being so preoccupied  and reactionary about his mother having a sex life. It’s clear: if you have a problem with Mallory having a lot of sex and enjoying it, you’re the one with issues.

Even the one young, thin, white woman in the main cast gets to be unapologetic about her kinks. It’s really only a problem when her desire for choke-sex motivates her to lead a KGB cyborg to the ISIS safehouse. Or when she coerces Cyril into sex. And generally acts like a violent, awful person.

Essentially, there’s no tolerance for shaming women for being sexual. All of it, regardless of preference, age, size, or race, is nothing but fun and should be enthusiastically represented. “Can’t talk, got a pussy to break!”

Being a predator is shameful. Having belly rolls is not.

Who on Earth finds this funny?

But, then there’s the flippancy about sexual assault. There ARE gags about Pam and Ray dropping their pants when encountering an unconscious Cyril. And sorry, but the framing of it is all manner of screwed up. There’s tons of sexual coersion as well. Another one of the most problematic instances comes in an episode of season two, where Archer is repeatedly sexually assaulted by a sixteen-year-old German socialite. The show goes out of its way to make it clear that Archer explicitly refuses consent, that he’s being violated, yet the show treats this as funny.

While I get that this is a comedy show and that in-depth exploration of the trauma of sexual abuse isn’t going to be something they can spend a lot of time on, the option they should have gone with is, you know, not base an episode around a german schoolgirl raping the main character. It’s not funny, guys. It’s not necessary. It’s actually just uncomfortable and off-putting.

The show mentions things like alternative gender identities, emotional triggers, and sexual exploration in ways that treat these things as totally valid, which is good. It also frequently portrays poor people as jokes in and of themselves, which is a lot less good. While materialism is lampooned frequently, it’s not treated as a joke in and of itself the way poverty is.

The way the show often portray legitimate abuse for laughs also often goes overboard. While the show does a good job of exploring and following through on all the ways Mallory’s abuse screwed up Archer, there’s a point where the volume of “abuse humor” gets to just be downright gross. Dark humor is one thing, not being able to go an episode without a “Haha, ten-year-old archer was abandoned in a train station at Christmas!” joke is, uh… Not great.

Archer is an awesome, immensely watchable show. But it’s not one I always feel clean watching. It’s a show that celebrates extremes, yes, but there’s a point where certain lines are crossed and it’s just problematic rather than gallows humor.

Archer is one of those series that really makes me struggle to distinguish the gallows humor from the simple tastelessness. To give pause to the idea of problematic content being the “point.”

The line blurs with Archer. A lot. It often manages to distinguish itself with the things it gets right, especially since they often do well on things that most shows, movies, and books are often terrible at. And that’s enough to buy it some goodwill for when they screw up.

But seriously, guys, please stop treating sexual coercion and child abuse as bottomless gag wells. I would have really preferred to have Pam and her awesome sexuality without her sexually assaulting Cyril and Ray. It’s not funny or clever or edgy. It’s just gross.

[reitziluz]

get to know me meme!

..... a mutual did this and said people feeling up for it should do it so....

i’m not tagging anyone but feel free to do these

1. What is your full name? Rene

2. What is your nickname? Rellu, Rensku

3. What is your zodiac sign? Virgo

4. What is your favorite book series? uhhh ASOIAF maybe

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? i like the idea of residual energy... and ofc there’s other lifeforms floating in the endless space

6. Who is your favorite author? ME MYSELF i’m honestly not sure, there’s no-one whose all works like to the same degree 

7. What is your favorite radio station? ... rock/heavy metal station

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? mmm choco? or like this salsa/cheese combo. also cola.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? excellent, gorgeous, fucking perfect

10. What is your current favorite song? this one

11. What is your favorite word?  i don’t... have one. maybe しまう?

12. What was the last song you listened to? this one

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch?  in the flesh, mushishi

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?  i don’t like movies that much? ... one piece movies

15. Do you play video games? yes occasionally

16. What is your biggest fear? death, heights

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion?  insight/confidence combo?

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? arrogance... small-mindedness, as in not being able to throw myself as deep into stuff as i feel like i should....

19. Do you like cats or dogs better?  cats

20. What is your favorite season? winter or late fall

21. Are you in a relationship? mmmm when aren’t you in relationships?? but yea i’m in several relationships as this question seems to be angling for...

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? structure and relatively low pressure

23. Who is your best friend? poronen and also revy my dearie. there’s a couple more conventional/old past besties too that i still hold close to my heart.

24. What is your eye color? dark-ish gray-green-blue

25. What is your hair color? dirty blonde, dyed red

26. Who is someone you love? my friends my family my datemates... myself...

27. Who is someone you trust? i trust p much everyone until proven wrong

28. Who is someone you think about often? bisexualwinry and poronen again lmao, also... uhhh whichever characters i’m obsessed most recently

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? next installations of friends’ fics, my own fic chapter lmao, a homewarming party of an ex i’m friends with...

30. What is your biggest obsession? currently a couple vocaloid producers and mp100. long term.... ffvii and vampires.

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? pokemon and moomins

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? fuck your idea of there being an opposite!! i don’t have an opposite!! i can tell my dearest friends anything, regardless of gender or lack of it!!!!

33. Are you superstitious? not really, tho i like some of the practices

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? no

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? front~

36. What is your favorite hobby? writing, drawing, weightlifting

37. What was the last book you read? i’m not sure but i’m going to say villon’s testament

38. What was the last movie you watched? uhhhh maybe ghost in the shell? the first one.

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? tiny bit of guitar

40. What is your favorite animal? cats

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? i can’t really say, i like following my friends (you know who you are i’ve msg you all basically)

42. What superpower do you wish you had? i always answer these the same way: absolute shapeshifting. 

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? in my own room around midnight OR with good friends anywhere

44. What makes you smile? anything exciting, really

45. What sports do you play, if any? uhhhh i did medieval swordfighting for a while but nowadays i dream of getting back to lifting and running

46. What is your favorite drink? water, coke, all coffee drinks, wine

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? probs within a week, we communicate between flatmates with these lil post-it notes

48. Are you afraid of heights? yes holy shit so bad

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? when people are allergic to fun/are contrarians

50. Have you ever been to a concert? yuppp a couple times

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? yes

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? an author, but before that a paleontologist, and before that a circus princess

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? eugh idk almost none of them??? somewhere where it’s p idyllic

54. What is something you worry about? planet dying, economy crashing, getting back to my own two feet after this horrible mental crash i’ve been going through all spring...

55. Are you scared of the dark? a lil bit, puts me on edge

56. Do you like to sing? hell yea!!

57. Have you ever skipped school? so many times

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? my parent’s house, this one street in kyoto...

59. Where would you like to live? honestly? in the center of the city i’m living in now, or the capital... ... or kyoto or tokyo...

60. Do you have any pets? no, flatmate has cats tho

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? night owl but a fairly balanced one

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? either is good

63. Do you know how to drive? yes

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones!! but i use buds more, more practical.

65. Have you ever had braces? yes.

66. What is your favorite genre of music? metal. like the sorta frilly vampiric neoclassical metal tons of jrock bands do?? but i like a huge variety of genres.

67. Who is your hero? gotta be my own hero

68. Do you read comic books? rarely, if we don’t count manga

69. What makes you the most angry? petty pointless shit

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? on my phone

71. What is your favorite subject in school? languages/literature

72. Do you have any siblings? four of them, two big sisters and two lil brothers

73. What was the last thing you bought? .... some food? uhhh boxers?

74. How tall are you? 168 cm ish

75. Can you cook? yes

76. What are three things that you love? storytelling, good food, good laughs

77. What are three things that you hate? generic bad injustice shit in the world, people who make fun of others for things they like, lmao my current writer’s block towards my main fic ahahaha ;;;

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? seriously fuck these questions? most of my friends are nb

79. What is your sexual orientation? queer and complicated

80. Where do you currently live? Turku

81. Who was the last person you texted? a friend

82. When was the last time you cried? i have no clue, i don’t cry often

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? everyone who subs vocaloid stuff

84. Do you like to take selfies? yessss 

85. What is your favorite app? just my JED fhgadhadh

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? a bit distant (due to physical distance) but warm and friendly and supportive

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? .... this seems strange but uh. no specific preference? throaty languages, french and arabic and russian come to mind...

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? TOKYO ive been to japan twice and lived there for a while but never managed to visit tokyo

89. What is your favorite number? 11

90. Can you juggle? a lil bit?

91. Are you religious? anti-religion more like ahaha

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? both, both is good

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? not really but then again i do tend to take things as challenges...

94. Are you allergic to anything? this one is a weird one. there’s a chemical that does cause some sorta reaction? it’s in some cardboard boxes and used in treating hemp rope..... 

95. Can you curl your tongue? yes

96. Can you wiggle your ears? yes

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? anytime i can’t wiggle out of it like “oh true yes that’s what i meant i was almost correct the first time” lmao

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? ... forest

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? it’s okay to half-ass things, it’s better than not doing anything

100. Are you a good liar? i think so

101. What is your Hogwarts House? gryffindor not slytherin shut upppp

102. Do you talk to yourself? sometimes

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? ambivert? sorta more extrovert

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? nahh not really

105. Do you believe in second chances? yes

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? if there was no-one nearby who could have obviously dropped it... or who could see... i would pocket any cash and take the wallet itself to lost and found.

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? yea.

108. Are you ticklish? no

109. Have you ever been on a plane? yes, several times

110. Do you have any piercings? fourteen and planning to get more 

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? not really anyone...

112. Do you have any tattoos? yup a big fat nb koi on my left calf

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? going ahead with transitioning

114. Do you believe in karma? no

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? glasses! really strong ones too lmao

116. Do you want children? no. wouldn’t mind co-parenting someone else’s kids if that sorta person wandered in my life tho.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? well myself of course - no but really ahh vrow has me beat in my category of intelligence.

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? i sorta picked on a kid for no reason in elementary school. it was a singular incident and i apologized a year later.

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? yessss currently doing one

120. What color are most of you clothes? black

121. Do you like adventures? yea to a degree? 

122. Have you ever been on TV? nope

123. How old are you? 24

124. What is your favorite quote? hhhh i don’t have all-time faves but currently just. “Just stay by my side, it doesn’t matter even if it’s a lie.”

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? just give me all the food

[kuwaiti-kid]

DiversyFund Vs. Fundrise Reddit Showdown

Reddit bills itself as the “front page of the internet.”

If you have spent any time on Reddit, you would think a more fitting moniker would be “the internets judge, jury, and executioner.”

Redditors are known for being brutally honest and researching items ad nauseam. Anyone with a product to pitch hopes to do well on the site, however, it's not easy or for the faint of heart.

Reddit is where bad ideas get murdered, good ideas get pummeled, and even great ideas end up looking like they did a few rounds with Ivan Drago (Rocky IV)

To get the low down, on the showdown between these two crowdsourced REITs, I decided to put the internet’s front-page super sleuths to the test to which fund is worthy of an investment.

DiversyFund Vs. Fundrise Reddit Showdown

Apollo Creed: Fundrise

Searching Reddit for Fundrise reviews, I was able to uncover several threads. Fundrise is the more widely known of the two. Considering Redditt's reputation for tearing data apart, the responses are generally positive. The reactions on Reddit ranged from a discussion of actual performance to alternatives such as investing in Vanguard.  (Redditors love of Vanguard is cult-like)

When it comes to the analysis of return, you should remain extremely cautious, and most likely outright ignore them. It's a bad idea to trust anonymous strangers on the internet with unknown credentials or experience. Always do your due diligence, you don't want to end up like Rocky in Rocky V.

If you missed Rocky V, Paulie gave an accountant complete control over all of Rocky's wealth, and it was lost in bad investment deals. 

Back to Reddit

Digging around the Reddit responses, it seems that Fundrise is generally considered an investment for passive income. Reviewing their website, I see that they list three funds, one of which is a growth-oriented fund. However, even their growth offering still appears to be more of a blended portfolio.

There is nothing wrong with investing for income. However, as a business owner and someone actively saving for retirement, it's hard to get excited about income-producing investments.

Considering the level of risk, the disclosed fees, taxes, and expected ROI of the properties, Fundrise has listed on their site; I can't help but think if one has a modest amount to save, they might find a better and safer ROI someplace else.

Fundrise has a minimum investment of just $500, and I question if you would be better spending (investing) that $500 on reducing your expenses, improving your career earning potential, or even launching a side hustle.

It’s a decision only you can answer for yourself.

Since I am a serial side-hustler and have a passive income stream with my solar PV system, the prospects of Fundrise do not excite me.

But that’s just me. Everyone has to decide for themselves what works best.

Rocky: DiversyFund

Between the two funds, DiversyFund has some similarities with Rocky in the first movie; both are up and coming stars looking for a chance to prove themselves.

DiversyFund is a newer fund, and are making private placements available to the working class and those who have historically been ignored by investment firms.

Since they just recently launched their offering with a $500 minimum investment, a Reddit search turns up little in the way of results. One of those results is from a fellow contributor at The Money Mix as news circulates about the new offering, we can expect a more detailed analysis from Redditors.

Review the online literature about DiversyFund; it is clear they are a more growth-focused fund. They do not pay out dividends to investors, instead, they reinvest them back into the REIT.

Additionally, they do not charge a yearly asset fee like Fundrise. Instead, they get paid from the gains (if any) of the real estate when it sells.

If like me, you’re looking for a more growth-focused opportunity, DiversyFund appears to be a better solution. However, as a new entrant into space, they do not have the historical returns to showcase.

Ding-Ding!

Just like our favorite movie franchise (ok my favorite), Rocky, neither DiversyFund nor Fundrise emerges as a clear winner. Each fund has compelling advantages; Fundrise has an income-focused approach with historical returns to hang their hat on while DiversyFund is a growth-focused up and coming fund.

In a diversified portfolio, there is room for both, as each uses different tactics and approaches despite some of their overlaps.

What Would I Do?

The reality is personal finance is personal for a reason.

We all have different ways of investing and separate emotional responses to risks and returns. The items that keep me awake at night may seem silly to someone, and vice versa.

I’m at the Rocky V stage in my financial life, I’ve been knocked on my backside a few times, and I flinch when I see the right hook coming at me. I’m at the point where I question if the juice is worth the squeeze. So, at the risk of losing my blogging “street cred,” I think valuations matter.

You can show me all the charts and statistics saying that timing and valuations don’t matter over a long enough period. I won’t be swayed. I’m heading towards an eventual retirement and looking in my rearview mirror.

I see historical graphs showing unprecedented economic growth and monetary expansion over the last 70 plus years. I feel precariously poised at the summit of historically high valuations, low yields, and without enough time or inclination to start back at step one.

I'm just old enough to be straddling the wrong side of “time is on your side” where an unfortunate sequence of returns could send me back to go without collecting $200. So, I’m forced to ask myself;

Do I feel can I rely on the historical averages to justify passively indexing?

Do I feel the expected return from passive indexing justifies the risk?

To both questions, my gut tells me… No!

I’m at the point I’m looking to glide into retirement in a nerf covered Volvo station wagon. I may seem silly, arriving at the retirement party in my flame-resistant safety suit and Swimmies, but I’ll arrive on time! And that’s all that matters.

Ignoring valuations and fundamentals in hopes of achieving long-term historical returns is not something I’m prepared to do. I’m perfectly content to horde my cash and site on the sidelines until I am adequately compensated for risking my capital.

The opportunity cost of missing out on a few percentage points in returns won't cause me anywhere near as much emotional stress as the prospects of staring down a life's sentence of work.

To that end, DiversyFund offers a compelling investment opportunity. Unlike traditional low-cost investments that have become all the rage of late. DiversyFund is returning to the fundamentals.

They see properties that represent a value, fix them up, adding additional value, rent them out for a few years, and then sell them for a profit.

Risks are reduced because they are actively looking for properties that are a good investment and adding value by fixing them up. The result is an equity-like expected rate of return with an asset category that's non-correlated to the stock market and historically has been much more stable.

It's not to say that the asset has no risk or even low risk/ However, an investor is being compensated for their risk given the expected rate of returns. As part of a diversified portfolio, I could take a small portion of my money and invest in DiversyFund to boost my overall returns without losing sleep at night.

Comparably, I do not feel the same way about Fundrise. Keep in mind I said Feel because I don't know which of the two will perform better. However, given the fees at fundrise, and the expected ROI they list on individual property holdings, my gut tells me I'm not being compensated for my risk.

You Do You

You should choose the option that you feel the most comfortable with and best fit with your financial goals. However, I would not put money in either choice or any investment for that matter that I couldn't afford to lose.

The post DiversyFund Vs. Fundrise Reddit Showdown appeared first on Your Money Geek.

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[vintagepatchouli]

1-65

how tall are you? 5ft2

what is your body type? hourglass

what is your favorite part about your body? i dont really have one

is your current hair color your natural hair color? yes, ive never dyed it

are you more outgoing or more shy? shy

are you more femme or butch? femme

are you tol or smol? smol

wine mom or vodka aunt? neither, i dont drink

weird habit? i dont know?

favorite meme? not really into memes

do you sing in the shower? yes

ever used a bow and arrow? no, had a loaded one pointed at me though, that wasnt fun.

are/were you a theatre kid? no

have you ever seen a broadway musical? seen Wicked

do you think musicals are cheesy? yes, and i LOVE them

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march? yes, gay pride march

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card? idk

last movie you watched? cant remember

behind the camera or in front of it? behind always

favorite tv show? game of thrones

meaning behind your url, its been that long i also cant remember

reason you joined tumblr, to keep an eye on my friends who were having a hard time

who’s your closest tumblr friend? i dont have any really

what’s something most people love that you hate? beans?

have you ever taken narcotics? no

have you had sex? yes

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? no

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told? cant remember

describe your passion without mentioning it. explaining things to people

describe your best friend. funny,, german, vegetarian 

give us one thing about you that no one knows. i really struggle with food

how do you feel right now? pretty good, tired but im about to smash the gym

what is your biggest fear? never finding someone to grow old with

what’s a song that always makes you happy when I hear it? theres a good reason these tables are numbered

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far? being single

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end? yes, often

something you fantasize about. falling in love

last time you cried and why, when i left my ex and he showed up at my flat. i was scared, felt guilty and like the worst person in the world, was scared what would happen if i did give him the chance he wanted, and what would happen if i didnt

what was the last thing that made you laugh? my friends cat

do you really, truly miss someone right now? no

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? my nan

the last time you felt broken? the summer

are you starting to realize anything? that someone mustve been really bored to ask me all tese questions

are you more dominant or more submissive? submissive

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank) youre kind

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older? i dont know any more, done all three and i cant make my mind up, seems to go tits up either way

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail. i dont have a crush on anyone at the minute tbh

do you have any kinks? surely thats the business of whoever im seeing, so not yours

first thing you notice in a person? their smile

how can you win my heart? honestly just by being caring, take care of yourself, your family, me, the people around you and im happy

been rejected by a crush? yes

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? yes

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? definitely not

is trust a big issue for you? yes, it is now

did you hang out with the person you like recently? no because i dont like anyone

is confidence cute? yes, confidence is the best, im over trying to teach people to love themselves

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? id be a bit gutted but thats their business

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? no, i want to laugh every day

does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? i dont have feelings rn soooooo

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? hasnt everyone

do you want to get married, yes

worst thing you’ve ever done? i dont know

three things that turn you on. again, not your business

who do you hate? being stressed

favorite term of endearment? princess

[erriikkka]

As I develop my capabilities, I’ve been really a hoarder of movies, Disney films to be exact. Since then, it has always been a part of me to pay attention to these movie pictures that accompanied and innovated me throughout the years. Furthermore, i have abide to tackle the route in reaching my dreams and I have these bundle of films that represents my childhood in which i can relate to. These movies are the reason that at some point in my life, it also happens to me, and there, I see myself in my that particular scene so what are you waiting for? come on and see what’s inside my movie blog!

I. Beauty and the Beast

the 18th-century fairy tale was brought into life.

Beauty and the Beast

Disney has already given us live-action versions of animated films like Alice in Wonderland, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty in recent years but in a way, Beauty and the Beast feels like the riskiest of them all so far, as far as potential backlash is concerned. Beauty and the Beast is still much more recent than those other animated classics, and many can clearly remember growing up during the film’s initial release and explosion in popularity. Starting from editing, the musical, the casting, setting and the whole production staff made everything possible for this film has to be brought into life and its just very alluring, it will never disappoint you. There are numerous scenes from the film that leave me breathless and had me in tears. One of these scenes is when Belle and the Beast had their first date and dance in the tune “Beauty and the Beast” which depicts their love story. Speaking of their lovestory, the story’s fantastical elements made it feel truly “realistic,” these touches the hearts of its viewers especially, the die-hard Disney fans who waited for this time to happen. It was like a time travel from time to time through the use of the music box which plays the life of Belle since she was born. Lastly, it was when Gaston fatally shoots the Beast from a bridge, but it collapses when the castle crumbles, and he falls to his death. The Beast dies as the last petal falls, and the servants become inanimate. As Belle tearfully professes her love to the Beast, the enchantress reveals herself and undoes the curse, repairing the crumbling castle, and restoring the Beast’s and servants’ human forms and the villagers’ memories. The Prince and Belle host a ball for the kingdom, where they dance and lived happily ever after. With that, I could definitely say that i am mesmerized by this film and it has a huge impact in my life. This movie get to be my favorite movie. 10/10

II. Frozen

Frozen.

My happy pill.

  Frozen desalinates the new generation, our generation. Wherein, the youths are being portrayed by Elsa who would always keep a particular secret from everyone for the reason that she’s afraid that the society wont accept her. Within her, i saw myself, i saw how excruciating it is for her to lose her loved ones, i’m not saying that the same thing occurred to me but, even my family’s complete, there’s always that something that’ll be missing.  Since then, this film has been my happy pill and Elsa served as my spirit animal and just like her, I should be continuing what I’ve started and what I want because basically, it’s me, that is me. No one could ever deny the hard fact that these challenges will always come and test us, but we should all believe in ourselves that we can like what Elsa did. She stood up for herself and she even managed to grow into a beautiful rose even if she’s all alone. The reason why i really can’t resist this film is about it’s life lessons that we should always think first before we should do any decisions for it might affect our future.

III. Inside Out

The universe is full of dark matter and black holes, of planets made of diamond and space clouds that smell like raspberries. It is beautiful, terrifying and very, very odd. but none of that wonder holds a Christmas candle to what goes on in the mind of an 11-year-old girl. Take Riley—a fun, goofy, hockey-loving kid from Minnesota. Sure, she might not look all that unusual from the outside. But dive into her gray matter and you’ll see towering shelves full of memories and terrifying forests of broccoli in her subconscious, cloud cities forming in her imagination and elaborate dreams taking shape on the sound stage of her psyche. Above it all, in the control tower, work Riley’s core emotions: Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger and Fear. They push buttons and twist knobs and help power Riley through each and every day, making scads of marble-like memories all the while. Most of those marbles are eventually whisked away to long-term memory storage. But a handful stay in the control room. They’re her core memories, moments so critical in Riley’s development that they’ve spawned whole islands of identity. When Joy is sucked out of the control tower, though, it becomes impossible for Riley to do much but sulk and cower and occasionally blow up. And while that’s not good in and of itself, it’s a fantastic depiction of what kids feel when they’re under a lot of stress. When you’re 11 and your whole world has changed, your inner world is shaken, too. And we learn here that our emotions, even ones that might seem, on the surface, “bad,” can help stabilize things. Riley’s parents don’t understand what’s going on with their suddenly sullen daughter, but they want to help. And so they do—through love and patience and understanding. It’s pretty obvious that Mom and Dad are great (though not always perfect) parents, and Riley, eventually, sees them as such. That means Inside Out isn’t content to depict how awful things can get when our lives take a sudden downward turn. No, it also wants to show us how important family can be in the process of picking yourself up and moving on.

IV. Moana

  Princesses come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, though Disney’s latest addition to its ever-growing gallery of empowered female heroines, Moana – The sail of the century. It is a tale of the young daughter of a Polynesian chief who seeks to explore the world beyond her island in the Pacific and save her people in the process. Moana’s father continually asserts that because her role is to be the island’s next leader, she must remain on the island. However, her decision to defy her father’s orders leads to a fulfilling experience. She skillfully incorporates Polynesian culture into its plot, demonstrating its beauty and intricacy while respecting its origins. The film includes the traditional Polynesian legend of Maui, a demigod known for his mischievous personality and contributions to mankind, most notably his creation of the Pacific Islands by pulling up rocks from beneath the ocean. Maui’s character is cleverly utilized to highlight the significance of Moana’s agency as a young woman. Demonstrating his rude personality, Maui constantly doubts Moana’s ability to navigate the ocean and help her people because of her status as the young daughter of a chief. Moana’s continual capacity to prove Maui wrong emphasizes her independence and inherent talents regardless of her social standing or gender. Though Maui and his godly powers contribute to the storyline, Moana’s strength and determination are central to the film’s plot and communicate a stirring message of female empowerment. Patience is the key to happiness, they say, and nearly the entire film embodies that belief. For example, Moana must find enough patience to learn how to sail, patience in Maui who doesn’t trust her at first, and patience throughout her entire journey. During the film we see Moana fail a few times before she finally succeeds, and that added humanity to her character, which a lot of protagonists tend to lack. When a lot of people see this, especially our youth, I think it will help them realize that mistakes are a part of our journey through life, and some things require patience before success. The film will be cheered as many things — an entertaining holiday film, a princess story without the slightest hint of romance, a multicultural addition to the Disney family — but best of all, it’s a sharp attack on helicopter parenting. Unlike most of the young women we meet in fairy tales, Moana has a happy childhood and never wants for anything. Like many middle-class American kids today, she has two wonderful, caring parents who only want what’s best for her. Otherwise, the movie offers positive messages of self-discovery and empowerment. And Moana herself is a great role model, demonstrating perseverance, curiosity, and courage.

V. Coco

They say, Coco is the best movie of Pixar in years, and I totally agrees with it. Most of the scenes in the movie takes place in the Land of the Dead, but the movie never stops overflowing with life. Colors riot and effervesce, Mexican folk-art patterns tease the eye, music and song ride beneath each scene and goose it forward. The movie’s so exuberantly visual that it feels as if you’re sticking your head inside the collective unconscious of an entire culture. Not to mention it’s soundtrack “remember me” which says the whole story and within that, we can all see that many people can relate in this kind of music especially the emotional ones. Although out the movie, it made me cry for the reason that at some how I can relate and I know how it feels when your parents are contradicting the things you wanted to do. This movie is a 10/10 for me. It’s really nice and knowing me, being emotional this movie suits my sentimental heart. While all is well in the end, the movie can be dark and sad , especially for those who’ve lost beloved relatives. But it also has powerful themes of perseverance, teamwork, and gratitude and encourages audiences to love and appreciate their family and always follow their dreams.

5 worthy movies that you shouldn’t miss! As I develop my capabilities, I've been really a hoarder of movies, Disney films to be exact.

[furederiko]

Tis the Ides of March, and thus a Random-News-Digest is on hand...

Disney Live Action

To be frank, the idea of Tim Burton doing a "Dumbo" live action adaptation, is enough to make people scratch their heads and well, probably question their sanity. But it gets even more weirder. Thanks to the first two actors who are being courted for the movie.

Ever since he put a pause in his partnership with Johnny Depp and ex-wife Helena Bonham-Carter, there is one actress that Burtons continuously runs to. Eva Green! Yep, after their collaborations in "Dark Shadows", and "Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children", Burton wants Green for "Dumbo". She is currently in talks to play Colette, a French trapeze artist who works for Vandemere. Who is Vandemere? Was he in the original animated movie too? I believe said character hasn't been cast yet. But apparently, he's an evil big top circus villain, who loves to take over smaller circus. One of said 'smaller circus' owner is Medici. And guess who's being approached to play Medici? Burton's previous collaborator in "Batman Returns", the iconic Penguin himself, Danny DeVito.

As I said, the thought of Burton doing "Dumbo" alone already sounds surreal. I can't even imagine how it would look, considering the director has penchants for the weird and whimsical. And now it will have "Penny Dreadful" very own Vanessa Ives and a former Batman villain as the possible leads. Do let those sink slowly into your brains...

DC Films

With negative rumors swirling around the movie's post production, and the bad press already looming on it thanks to its two previous titles, it's safe to say the concerns for "Wonder Woman" aren't so baseless. It seems Warner Bros might have realized this as well, as they have taken a different approach to ensure that this movie will not repeat the same mistake(s). That's probably (yes, subjectively speaking) the reason why they have invited several members of the press to check out some parts of the movie beforehand.

According to Birth.Movies.Death, they were given accomodations and privilege to see around 20 minutes of the movie in London. The footage that were shown were not continuous, and were taken from various moments of the movies itself. Director Patty Jenkins was also present to share her thoughts on the matter. You can read detailed description of all three scenes on B.M.D, but I have to warn you that it might be a little spoilery. So read it on your own risk. This friendly warning goes for the site's follow-up editorial as well, that talked about the overall plot and movie's antagonist. But of course... if you're perfectly fine with being a little or completely spoiled, then do go ahead and enjoy the fun read.

The important thing about the viewing was, Jenkins managed to assure the press that her Wonder Woman would be... simply speaking, 'special'. She will HAVE personalities, unlike the blank one that everyone oddly praised on "Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice". She will have chemistry with Chris Pine's Steve Trevor, so not just a random eyecandy moving around from one place to another, like the one on... yes "Bvs", a.k.a this year's Razzie Awards winner (for "Worst Sequel", "Screenplay", and "Screen Combo"). But more importantly, "She CAN’T be dark and nasty", Jenkins promised. Why? Because Gal Gadot's Diana Prince will be "the HERO the world’s been waiting for". Of course, she didn't say them with CAP-SLOCK on, that's just my way of emphasizing the context. But seriously, if you ask me, those words alone are enough to serve as a harsh wake-up slap towards fellow DC Films directors who have only painted the DC heroes in a truly bad light. Dark and gritty, my as*! LOL.

So much is riding on Jenkins' shoulder, to be honest. This will be WB's first female-led superhero movie. Not to mention, one that comes after a long period of absence due to really bad ones in form of WB's own "Catwoman" or FOX's "Elektra". This movie is directed by a female director, whose presence in Hollywood is still being looked down and can even be counted with human fingers. And unlike the well-oiled-machine that is Marvel Studios, DC Films hasn't had a 'great' movie so far. All divisive, and disappointing in their own ways. Thus everyone, especially real DC Fans are counting on this one to be at least 'good', making up for the disasters that came before it. The good news is, Jenkins showed the exact enthusiasm, confidence, and respect for her character that both critics and audience are seeking. The positive side effect is already shown, as many of the press members invited have already begun comparing her movie to Richard Donner's iconic "Superman". You know, the one that doesn't turn Clark Kent into a mopey bastard? So yeah, looks like WB might FINALLY have a DC Film title that is worth-watching for after all! At least until Zack Snyder and his "Justice League" arrive to ruin it all over again, right? I'm kidding! Ahahaha. Or am I? Hmmmm... *sigh*.

Admittedly, I'm personally NOT feeling any of the movie's trailers so far. And that includes the latest one that debuted on this year's Kids Choice Awards. It's unclear whether that's because it's exactly a mirror reflection of what to expect from the movie, or simply because the marketing department has seriously been failing me so far. The chance of me seeing this directly on theatre is very slim. Close to zero, in fact! Not even that new poster that everyone seems to be praising for is able to convince me otherwise (really, I think it's just 'okay'). After all, WB might always release an Extended/Ultimate version for the home video, right? They did exactly that not once, but TWICE already with their previous releases. So why even bother seeing this on the theatre when you can spend a bit more dollars to get the FULL and generally better version?

Regardless of that, it would be a shameful crime for me to shun and curse the movie, hoping it will fail miserably. Please don't ever associate me with those so-called 'devoted DC fans' who continue to wish Marvel movies to fail, with a stupid 'just because' as its foundation. Yes, there was a time when Jenkins praised "Suicide Squad" by calling that movie 'GREAT' (wait, seriously?!), eventhough that's hardly the case. Making many including yours truly questions her ability to deliver something that would be A LOT better. But let's not let that cloud our judgement, shall we? Let's pay attention towards the bigger picture. As I've said before, the success of "Wonder Woman" will have consequences and after effects for others that follow. Not just for WB itself, but for other studios, and the specific genre in particular. In that regards, I obviously want it to at least be good, pleasing both critically and financially, but also enjoyable enough to please its fans and general audience. I'm not and never will be a fan to Wonder Woman, but I would love to see other studios getting their confidence to create a female-led superhero movies thanks to this. That's the long-term target I'm counting on this movie to live up to.

And seriously, the future is not set in stone. "Wonder Woman" can end up becoming a much better origin story than "Man of Steel". Hmm... what did you say? That Superman movie was already okay? Well, I totally beg to differ. I mean, even WB seems to think they've made a mistake with it. If not, why on earth would they bother themselves to approach Matthew Vaughn to reboot the character? Yes, that's the recent development buzzing around the planned sequel right now. Although, it's not even clear if he'll take the offer or not. But before you argue that Vaughn's work so far has been bloody R-rated movies, do remember one solid fact. Despite being very gruesome in nature, both "Kick-Ass" and "Kingsman" had very likeable and charming lead characters (played by the equally charming Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Taron Egerton respectively). Characters that actually felt like real people, not some cold-blooded killers disguised under the mantle of superheroes. Vaughn seems to have the correct point of view about Superman too! So at the very least, I'm sure his version won't be worse than Snyder's angsty sociopath mother-complex alien...

X-Men Universe

Yes, "Logan" is still going strong despite the rampage of an overperforming "Kong: Skull Island", making it the highest grossing movie of the year so far. But should we even be surprised, when critics are loving it, and giving glowing reviews? If you ask me, it's the other X-Men movie that's making the bigger news.

Via his personal Twitter account, Ryan Reynolds himself has unveiled the actress who would be playing the mutant mercenary Domino in the tentatively titled "Deadpool 2". This began when he tweeted a rather cryptic image of domino cards that immediately made the internet buzzing. Why? Because it didn't take long before keen-eyed fans noticed that the dots were forming a particular name: Zazie Beets. Beets is an actress who gains popularity thanks to being a breakout in Donald Glover's critically acclaimed hit comedy series "Atlanta". Mind you, I haven't seen it yet (don't even ask me the reason why), so I can't really say I'm familiar with her. Nor whether she's the right actress for the role, since I'm not even that much familiar with the character Domino. But people seems to be singing praises for this casting decision, including Deadpool's creator himself. So that's like a solid seal of approval, right?

Considering Beets is African-American, that means we will be getting a racebent Domino, because as far as I recall, she's a white caucassian female in the comics. Apparently, FOX were consciously testing for Black or Latina actress for the role. Looks like the studio is joining the 'racebending bandwagon' with this, after Marvel Studios and DC Films did the same with Valkyrie and Iris West. Not that it really matters though. What's more important is ghzg she's the right actress for the role, am I right?

Jurassic Park

Sequel to the successful bombastic abomination "Jurassic World" has begun production since February 23rd, 2017. The tentatively called "Jurassic World 2" (perhaps it's going to be renamed into "Jurassic Universe"? LOL) has moved forward with J.A. Bayona to direct. Universal had set a release date for it on June 22nd, 2018. Lead actors Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard, alongside B.D. Wong are returning, while the new cast consists of Toby Jones, Rafe Spall, Justice Smith, Daniella Pineda, Ted Levine, James Cromwell, and Geraldine Chapline. But it's producer Frank Marshall that gave us the first taste of the sequel, confirming that it IS in production. Yes, he did so via an unexpected tweet last week. But did that tweet confirmed which new species we might see on the sequel? Because frankly, aside from the kid, those are just fossils and not actual dinosaurs! Oh well, I'm sure we'll hear more about this movie pretty soon...

Marvel Studios

I almost always have this category in every R-N-D. Yet there are two future titles that are often absent: "Ant-Man and the Wasp" and "Captain Marvel". That shouldn't be a surprise, considering they won't come out until at least July 2018. And my attention is pretty occupied with the 2017 to early 2018 releases instead, especially the massive title that is "Avengers: Infinity War". You know what it is, right? The highly anticipated movie that might have Terry Notary confirmed as a mysterious new character, and might be filming on a 1000 years old landmark in Durham, England.

So let's talk briefly about them now. And why is that? Because Production Weekly (via MCU Exchange) has revealed that the sequel to "Ant-Man" will begin pre-production this very month in Atlanta. Official photography itself will then commence on July 6, which is precisely a year prior to its release on July 6th, 2018. All three of the main cast, Paul Rudd's Scott Lang, Evangeline Lilly's Hope van Dyne, and Michael Douglas' Hank Pym, have all been confirmed to return. Michael Pena's scene-stealing Luis will be in it too. The other cast has yet to be confirmed for the time being, but I'm sure we'll know about that in the coming months.

The working title for the movie is called "Cherry Blue", which might or might not works as a nod to a particular story arc. It's currently unclear what the story this sequel will have, aside from the confirmation from director Peyton Reed that it will be stand-alone, just like the first one. Perhaps it will focus on Hank's attempt to locate his missing wife Janet van Dyne in the Quantum Realm? That's certainly the highest possibility so far. The biggest question on my head about it though, is HOW Scott will be able to freely operate as Ant-Man, considering his fate at the end of "Captain America: Civil War". Lest we forget, this sequel arrives just 2 months after "Infinity War". Surely that movie will have additional ripple effects for Scott. Could he still be serving as a rogue vigilante when the time comes? And how will Hank and Hope even respond to said development. Could Hope take the mantle of the Wasp, in order to take over his place, then? So many questions, so little answers. But one thing for sure, we won't be seeing the Pym Tech Building anymore.

"Captain Marvel" will then arrive following a looong 8 months gap after that. According to My Entertainment World (via MCU Exchange as well), the current plan is for the production to begin in January 2018. With a release date of March 8th, 2019, that frankly makes a whole lot of sense, since most Marvel Studios' production took around 1 year to produce (similar case to "Ant-Man and the Wasp"). As of writing, only lead actress Brie Larson is confirmed for the movie. Marvel Studios has yet to announce the director for the job (although I suspect they already have one. Perhaps Niki Caro after she completes "Mulan"?), and casting for supporting characters will not take place until close to production. So apart from an official concept art (costumed action pose!) shown on Disney's regular shareholder meeting, which we might not see until this year's San Diego Comic Con or Disney's D23, this is the best news we get for the Studios' first completely female-led movie. Still crossing my fingers that the movie will include several other superheroines though! Perhaps, Monica Rambeau, or even better, Jessica Drew's Spider Woman. After all, the movie needs some diversity, right?

Now let's get back to 2017, with a title only months away from release! Entertainment Weekly debuted official images from "Thor: Ragnarok" last week, and obviously, it easily took the world by storm. Aside from spotlighting the Son of Odin himself to grace the upcoming edition's cover, we got to see the first official and also closeup looks for Cate Blanchett's Hela, Tessa Thompson's Valkyrie, Mark Ruffalo's returning character Bruce Banner, and more importantly Jeff Goldblum's The Grandmaster. Karl Urban's Skurge is the only new character absent on it.

Thor has a haircut as rumored!!! Which might, or might not be inspired by the character's particular story arc in the comics. Lead actor Chris Hemsworth felt more comfortable with this change, as it didn't require him to sit on the makeup chair before filming now. If you're a fan of the punching chemistry between Hulk and Thor in "The Avengers", then that reunion image between Thor and Ruffalo's Banner would make one grins with joy. After all, Banner was missing in action following the aftermath of "Avengers: Age of Ultron", so it's great seeing him in good shape. And rather well-groomed! Meanwhile, The Grandmaster's appearance seems to be inline with Benicio del Toro's The Collector. Which makes a lot of sense since he has been depicted as Taneleer Tivan's older brother in recent Marvel animated shows. He looks original, but still rocking all the familiar signatures of his comic book counterpart (the gray weird-shaped hair, color-tone of his costume). Also worth noted, is the exciting bright and vibrant COLORS that easily stand out in those images. It's as if, we're seeing another "Guardians of the Galaxy" of the year. Who knows, perhaps that IS indeed the case.

Some plot points were also openly shared by the cast and creators to the magazine. Blanchett revealed that there's a valid reason why her Hela hasn't shown up in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. "She’s been locked away for millennia getting more and more cross, and then, with a mistake, she gets unleashed and she ain’t getting back in that box", she said. This is all made possible due to the careless reign of Tom Hiddleston's Loki, who has been spoofing as Anthony Hopkins' Odin since the ending of "Thor: The Dark World". Thanks to this grudge, Thor will get to see Hela's bad side, and well, gets sent away without his powers to a galactic wasteland, which is the Planet Sakaar. But that's where he will meet Valkyrie, who is an elite warrior in the Grandmaster's world. Confirming that she will have a reimagined backstory in the MCU. It seems this new character might be poised to take over Jane Foster's position as romantic interest (since Natalie Portman isn't involved in the movie), but even that's still everyone's question. Not just Valkyrie, Thor will also encounter 'old friend' Hulk once again, who for some unknown reason has ended up in the planet as a Gladiator. This will set off the two Avengers on a cosmic road-trip, as has been promised in the synopsis. Meaning, probably not so much of Stephen Strange despite fans' speculations.

Despite the rather serious Asgardian 'doomsday' storyline (that might play a heavylifting role towards "Infinity War") however, the appointing of Taika Waititi as the director also brought many questions to practically everyone. Considering he's a director best known for comedic chops, as proven by the irresistibly charming but also powerfully endearing "Hunt for the Wilderpeople". In form of Marvel-style, that mockumentary "Team THOR" that could be seen online and as part of the "Doctor Strange" Bluray is an easy example to 'his style'. Hemsworth revealed, that with Waititi as the lead, "all the characters and the tone of the whole story to head in a new direction". As in, having more FUN that they should have, properly utilizing Hemsworth's natural talent for comedy. Even Hiddleston has confirmed that the director WILL leave his signature fingerprints on it, with Blanchett supporting the same idea. If you're already taken aback by the amount of comedy in the second movie, then you might want to be worried to hear this. But if you're like me, who never saw that as a problem, then you'll rest assured that it will be vastly entertaining. Even Waititi himself added with confidence, "We want people to care what happens and care that the hero succeeds. I think tonally it’s like a slight shift. I don’t feel nervous — I feel good about it". Fair point! Once again, his "Hunt of the Wilderpeople" is a solid proof of his talent to balance heart, comedy, and action just fine. Mark your date, "Hunt of the Wilder-Avengers" is definitely going to be an intriguing title when it opens on November 3rd, 2017.

With "Spider-Man: Homecoming" going on regular official reshoot, "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2" releasing new trailer while tracking to a massive opening weekend, and "Infinity War" expanding its antagonistic cast, things are moving along smoothly for Disney's Marvel properties. Fans of Marvel Studios and the MCU in general can rest at ease that their favorite Cinematic Universe isn't going anywhere soon. At least, not until 2019...

Netflix

Unfortunately, things aren't shining bright in the other medium. Critics have been given the opportunity to screen the first 6 episodes of Marvel's "Iron Fist", and they have begun posting their thoughts online. How did it go? It pains me a bit to say this, because I've been looking forward to it the most, but the response... is mostly NOT good. Although critics' opinions obviously don't necessarily reflect audience's reception when it comes out (with Marvel's "Luke Cage" being a good example), this is a bit disheartening to hear (and/or read). Many of what have been said as the show's problems, are surprisingly in sync with the concerns lingering on my head for a good while now. Especially after showrunner Scott Buck's discouraging statement regarding the lack of costume for the titular character. Looks like the Marvel-Netflix 'grounded' approach has taken its toll this time, because many are saying that "Iron Fist" feels more like repeating previous series, something 'more of the same'. But unfortunately, in a relatively lower value, which simply means... NOT in a good way.

Allow me to use the first two reviews I read as the example. Mind you, neither are talking about how Iron Fist should be played by Asian actor, so they aren't giving bad rep because of said issue. CNET called this a 'misstep' because it focuses more on corporate intrigue, rather than martial arts. While Finn Jones does show a naive swagger, he shows 'awkwardness' in physical movements which shouldn't be the case for a kung fu master. In fact, it's easily Jessica Henwick's Colleen Wing who's stealing the show during this first half. The site did however, point out that things are moving in the right direction toward the end. As in probably a better second half, even if they likened the show to be taking the story "a little too seriously". FanBoy Nation called this the weakest collaboration between Marvel and Netflix so far. Even called it "a bland rehash of the weakest parts of Daredevil", and "a show without its own identity". The site pointed out that the Marvel-Netflix series pacing issue, have reached a breaking point here. But the important thing I quickly noticed in their review, is the bland and weak characterization and writing. Eventhough the actors tried their best to give more despite the weak material, it's still apparent. THAT sounds seriously concerning, because that means the fault comes from the creators, and NOT the choice of actors.

So yeah. The general consensus is that this show (for the first 6 episodes, at least) just couldn't live up to the 'greatness' of previous shows, whether in story nor action sequences. So far, it feels like a 'Been There Done That' situation. How it falls victim to the Marvel-Netflix formula of taking itself too seriously, thus losing all the wuxia fantasy and mysticism that should've naturally come with the package. Heck, when it can't even compare to "Doctor Strange" that embraced its weirdness effectively while still kicking plenty of mystic fanatics' behind in a thrilling way... that's saying much. Not to mention, it once again repeats, or worse, enhances the major issue that the Netflix shows had often been called out before: awkward pacing. Yes, arguably speaking, 13 episodes have been proven to be too long for these shows. And such negative sentiment seems even more visible in this one. It falls victim to excessive running time and episode obligations, that it's hard for it to not resort to obvious filler plots. A complete opposite to Marvel TV's claim, that this show will have more episodical villains. Is it probable, that Marvel TV might have rushed this just to clear the way for Marvel's "The Defenders", hence the trepid receptions? Fulfilling obligations for its promised fourth member? That COULD be the case, although it's pure speculatory from my part.

I can't help but wonder if having a flashy suit instead of delaying one for 13 episodes, would've given the show a better boost? Hmmm... Or perhaps, we're going to get some surprise in the later episodes after all? Yep, speaking of that, I can't help but also wonder if Marvel TV is deliberately saving all the good parts for the second half. I mean, if we pay attention to previous series, this does seem to be the likeliest scenario. "Luke Cage" and the second season of Marvel's "Daredevil" are the quick examples I can point out, because they seem to have a dual arc that is separated halfway through. Cage was initially focused on Cottonmouth, but in the second half, changed shift towards a more personal-intentioned Diamondback. While Daredevil spent the first half with The Punisher, and migrated towards The Hand in the latter half. Will "Iron Fist" be treated the same way? Personally, I don't think 'saving the best for last' is a WISE decision when it comes to TV shows. Because forcing anyone to sit through 6 hours of 'intro' to get to the good part, is like one really bad marketing strategy. Sure, it's still better than having the show fizzles out halfway through its run (like "Luke Cage"?). But really, who can even assure the creators that audience would NOT drop the show early on out of boredom? Which was precisely the problem with Netflix's own "Sense8", by the way. Yes, slow-burn storytelling style have often works, but that format teases great things from the very beginning. Not filling them with fillers!

Personal ranting aside, if we take Jones and Henwick's interview with Yahoo UK as any indications, then YES, the real story for their show might at least get more interesting (if not stronger) from episode 7 onwards. Why? According to them, "There are two characters who come into the second half of Iron Fist season one who hasn't been announced yet". TWO? I wonder who it is, and could it be, the mysterious character that Ramon Rodriguez is playing? What about David Sakurai? His character has been mysteriously noted 'to-be-confirmed' as well. Popular opinion easily points towards two particular characters: Davos the Steel Serpent, and Shang-Chi the Master of Kung Fu. We know that Davos' symbol has been hinted since the first "Daredevil", so he's the surest bet. Shang-Chi? He has been reported as a rumor by several sites before, eventhough Jeph Loeb seemed to have shot that down. This character could be whom Henwick was referring to as "a comic book character who’s not been seen before and at the end of Iron Fist they set him up in a really interesting way".

It's unclear which actor will portray who. IMO, Sakurai would be a perfect actor for Davos, even if Rodriguez is currently the one being speculated as one. But what if, and this is just another fan speculation, that the second character is instead Hector Ayala the White Tiger, and not Shang-Chi? Some fans have brought up his name, and well, it does ring a bell. It would make a lot of sense for Rodriguez to play him, since he's a Latino. Not to mention, his niece Angela del Toro has been namedropped in Marvel's "Jessica Jones" before, and Netfix had indeed expressed interest for a series with Mexican/Hispanic lead. That can't be a coincidence, right? For the Marvel uninformed, White Tiger is also a superpowered character that gained his power thanks to mysticism. And one related to Iron Fist! This is definitely an intriguing possiblity. One that leaves us to a more important question: Could this two characters shake up the show and change critics' current perception of the series? Hmmmmmm...

Of course, the bigger problem is... the building concern for "Iron Fist" doesn't stays on one spot, because it leads towards another big one. Buck, is also serving as the showrunner of Marvel's "The Inhumans"! Which is the reason why I'm putting the Marvel TV category below this one, rather than the opposite like I always do. "Iron Fist" is just a few days away from release, and it is then that we can finally judge with our very own eyes, whether it is as bad as the critics' said, or becomes a truly powerful dragon-conqueror in the second half as many expected. But really, if Buck couldn't even do justice with Iron Fist, a character that should have been practically easy and outlandish enough to explore, CAN he do better with Inhumans? I honestly doubt it.

Marvel TV

Eventhough my hype for Marvel's "The Inhumans" is still high, I really can't ignore the concern of having Scott Buck as the showrunner. Seriously, I wonder why or how Marvel TV was able to trust him for two projects at the same time? It's a different scenario with "The Defenders" showrunners. Because not only they were involved with the first season, they were appointed to do "The Defenders" AFTER the positive response of "Daredevil" Season 2. So it's speaking out of success, right?

But the show must go on, and that's precisely what's happening. Filming continues in Hawaii, and every public sighting is continuously reported by Reel News Hawaii via Twitter. One of their early report, confirmed that the production took place in Diamond Head crater. Since I haven't been fortunate enough to visit Hawaii, I have no clue what place that is. Apparently, it's a volcanic crater with tunnels, and a pretty massive one too in terms of scale. Could it represent the halls of Attilan then? Hmmm.

More intriguingly, the filming takes place in city area that literally has "Oahu Service" on its taxi. Does this mean Attilan will be located on Earth, in Hawaii, rather than on the Moon? In the comics, there were stories that depicted the Inhuman City to take place in the Himalayan, and even the Atlantic Ocean. But my issue is, shouldn't this be a problem, then? I mean, those who are watching Marvel's "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." should be aware by now that they are tracking down Inhumans, and registrating them with the Sokovia Accords. How could a city this massive in scale escape the knowledge of governments around the world, then? It could easily be visible through satelitte's tracking, and all. It's enough that people are questioning why the Avengers never appear in the show, and vice versa. Doesn't having Attilan and the Royal Family on Earth only makes it a more strenuous affair?

This is where it gets more interesting. MCU Exchange reached out to Reel News Hawaii about the scene that featured Anson Mount's Black Bolt and Lockjaw. Turns out, it was filmed as some sort of "grand entrance for Black Bolt to the public eye". Apparently, Bolt's arrival caused a commotion, as local Honolulu (confirming it DOES take place in actual Hawaii) enforcement arrive on the scene, and public begins taking photos with their smartphones. Once again, cue the S.H.I.E.L.D. connection concern, because a huge event like this would be too big NOT to be noticed by governments. As for why Bolt is on Earth, the site speculated that the Inhuman King is having an urgent matter, forcing him to visit Earth for the first time (noted by his poor knowledge of technology).

Rest assured though, Reel News Hawaii also revealed that Attilan itself will consist of non-human looking citizens. Which is the way it should be, since unlike mutants, Inhumans come in different size, shapes, and forms. In addition to that, the Statue of Saint Damien of Molokai at the Hawaii State Capitol, has been replaced by a giant black-colored Monolith. Fans of "AoS" should be very familiar with this, as it was the exact macguffin that became the focus in Season 2. I could've sworn it has a different symbols compared to the ones messing around with Phil Coulson's head though. Which might be intentional, because that was in fact the symbol to a deserted ancient Inhumans city that accidentally caused Daisy Johnson to gain her natural power. Spotted on the same location, was actress Isabelle Cornish in costume as Crystal. Complete with her signature comic book style. Does this mean, the State Capitol is being used as the Inhumans Palace? Thus far, we have seen how Black Bolt, and Crystal look. I wonder how soon we'll see the rest of the cast too? Hmmm...

Kamen Rider

TOEI has officially released the trailer for the much anticipated 2nd season of "Kamen Rider Amazons". This successful web-series took the tokusatsu fanbase by storm when it was released last year. Eventhough I didn't enjoy it as much as everyone else, I'm still curious to see what they are going to pull off with the new season. Which by the way, will begin streaming on April 7th, 2017, ONLY via Amazon Prime Video. Turns out, and much to the surprise of many, the season will star a new Protagonist! Well... not really a shocking thing when you see it storytelling-wise, due to how the first season ended. After all, Tom Fujita's Haruka Misuzawa (Amazon Omega), and Masashi Taniguchi's Jin Takayama (Amazon Alpha) were left in rather... conclusive condition/situation.

Fear not though, those two characters, alongside many others (whom you could see flashing here and there in the trailer) have been confirmed to return. They will cannonically be involved in the drama between You Maejima's Chihiro, and Ayana Shiramoto's Iyu. Chihiro is our new protagonist, who will transform into Kamen Rider Amazon Neo (using the new Driver, Neo Amazons Driver), while Iyu is the Crow Amazon, who has been killed by the Amazons. Why the focus on this pair? Because the theme of this season is rather startling! This time, it's going to be about 'boys and girls'. HUH? Yeah, try to digest that new information slowly, okay!

Persona

Wow, it has been a while since I talk about "Persona 5", huh? Admittedly, my enthusiasm for the game has dropped as soon as the Japan version was released. That, alongside the repetitive delay for the English-language version, had basically made me forget about it. No kidding, life happens.

Anyways, the English version will be released very soon, precisely on April 4th, 2017. Pre-orders will include additional bonus materials, such as DLCs, themes, and avatars. In an attempt to remind fans that they aren't delaying this game any futher (Duh? The video is titled "The Phantom Thieves Are Ready to Roll on April 4"!), Atlus US has released a new 'Sizzle Reel Trailer' that showcased characters, gameplays, and a general plot of the game. If you prefer a more Velvet-y Room one, you could also see the introduction video for Caroline and Justine.

The King of Fighters

The first out of three (yeah, looks like there's only three characters instead of four) new paid DLC characters for "The King of Fighters XIV" has been announced. And it's not members of the Orochi clan as I predicted. This one's even better though, because it's Whip! Her inclusion as DLC didn't completely feel like a surprise, considering she does appear in the Team Endings for "Team K'" and "Team IKARI". Doing what she's good at too, bickering with Ralf Jones! LOL. Whoops? Is that, spoiler alert? Then again, even I had been wondering why she was left out from the original roster. I mean, with her unique fighting style and that famous whip attacks, she'd make a fine character that would stand out on her own. Look no more for the proof, but her official reveal trailer.

Of course, the big question now is, whether these 3 new characters form a Team, instead of being individual fighters. Speculation gets a little, difficult if they are. After all, in the past, Whip has been associated with the two major teams I've mentioned above. So the other possible character who might pair up with him would logically be Heidern, who is Leona's father / Commander and only showed up in "The King of Fighters 94". Problem is, the other silhouettes (since Whip is the one crouching on the left) don't look like Heidern. The middle one looks like a person wearing jacket, or a cape. Perhaps it is Adelheid Bernstein, who debuted on "The King of Fighter 2003"? Or Ash Crimson, judging from the hairstyle. But it could also be Blue Mary, who shows up in the ending for "Team Women Fighters". The right one, looks like a tall guy hunching, so obviously he reminds me of... Ryuji Yamazaki. This is just speculation though, because any of the others could simply be a totally new character.

Wait a sec! This is probably just me, but I'm STILL seeing 4 people in the silhouette. If you simply count the number of legs, ignoring the crouching Whip, then there are 5 feet visible! Have these reports that boldly state 'Three Characters' been mistaken, then? Or I'm just getting caught by optical illusion? Whip will be released on April 5th, 2017 for $4.99. That's pretty soon, so I guess we only need to wait a little longer to see how this turns out...

Final Fantasy

Lastly, or should I say, finally... we have brief news for "Final Fantasy XV". Official trailer for the first DLC episode has been released, and a release date has been announced as well. "Episode Gladiolus" is set to be released on March 28th, 2017, and will reported take two or three hours to complete. Under the guidance of Cor Leonis, looks like Gladioulus Amicitia will need to deal with Gilgamesh in order to gain stronger. That's the climax, I guess. For now, you can watch a gameplay video of the first 11 minutes, courtesy of Famitsu.

I happen to catch the full story cutscenes for the game over the weekend (thanks to a Youtube user, who else?), and I just realized that it had a rather... shall I say, somber conclusion. Which apparently is confusing if not disappointing many fans? Well, I thought that despite being super poignant, it was quite well done. Beside, this IS a "Final Fantasy" game, so why should one even expect a completely 'happy ending'? I just hope Square Enix won't disrupt this melancholic ending with unnecessary sequels. You know, like what they did with "Final Fantasy XIII"? Anyway, having seen the cutscenes, I now have a strong hint on when these DLCs will take place. My common sense is, they will take place during the 10 years gap/time jump, precisely between Chapter 13 - "Redemption", and 14 - "Homecoming". That means right before Noctis' long awaited return (as a Jesus Christ-esque figure?) to reclaim the throne in the final battle.

Since I haven't played the game myself, I'm curious if this is the Chapter 13 that many people have been complaining about. Also, I wonder if these DLCs are initially meant to be part of the game, but was scrapped to focus on Noctis' adventure? Hmmmm. Nevertheless, fans of Gladio will have the opportunity to play him as a main character, and not just an arguably passive support. Episodes that will feature Ignis Scientia and Prompto Argentum will then arrive one by one after this. So far both don't have a fixed release date, but we can expect them to arrive this year.