#ive been laughing a lot. ive been having a lot of whimsy ...

[tarpitbell]

9:07

I don't think one of the mutuals targeted in this post will find this (maybe they will but ohwell)

But I just rlly wanna say that I've honestly had Much More fun with them then like. Anyone else??? Tho I do have fun with others, I just.

I dunno, I've had more whimsy in being their friends and the three of us just. Influence each other, understand eachother, learn of other medias, etc etc

I dunno. I've had more fun with them, then most of the other groups that I kinda was in, tbh???

I've been experiencing more whimsy with them/pos. With them, by them, and also giving my own share of whimsy to them in the ways I can—

I really care for them ...a lot

[critical-reading-of-harry-potter]

patches liveblogs the sorcerer's stone

chapter 1

mr dursley sees a bunch of people in the street in cloaks and his first thought isn't that there's a con happening. oh how the times have changed since 1997 (i assume. i wasn't there)

there's a post going around somewhere about how owls would be terrible messenger animals, actually

alright ill give rowling this, the prose is pretty engaging

"[Mr. Dursley] hurried to his car and set off for home, hoping he was imaging things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination" (5 [see 1]) got a genuine laugh out of me

lots of emphasis on how the dursleys are Normal, Which Means Boring (basically the entire first sequence with the dursleys), and therefore anything they think is Weird is (implicitly) Good

dumbledore being introduced with "nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive" (8) where "everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome" (9) sets him up immediately as someone we should like and trust. this is pretty obvious but also neatly done

when dumbledore uses the deluminator to make the street so dark that none of the muggles can see anything-- it's a lovely poetic image, but isn't there like light pollution? and stars?

fine i guess it could be cloudy

ok genuinely, why are wizards so afraid of muggles finding out about them? (in-universe -- i get The Masquerade is a whole thing and is kinda built into the story so i wont question it too much)

like i get 500 years ago or whatever with the witch trials

but like these days nobody would (be able to) persecute them and also i dont think most people would care that much?

so is it just tradition? or is there something im missing

ive always been so on board with dumbledore's insistence on using voldemort's name. name the thing you're afraid of so you can face your fear

mcgonagall describing dumbledore as "noble" because he refuses to go to the dark side use the dark arts (11) like?? girl that's just what being Good is, you choose. every. day. to do good instead of evil. that's all that sets those things apart.

hmmmm actually. this may be relevant to how rowling conceptualizes good and evil as inherent qualities...

wow dumbledore getting a LOT of use out of lemon drops as a tactic for evasion

hagrid's described as "almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide" (14) -- but (iirc) never as fat. interesting considering the constant emphasis on dudley and vernon dursley's fatness

dumbledore has a scar over his left knee that's a perfect map of the london underground (15)?? this is so funny why does he say this, it literally never comes up again im,,,

hagrid vs dumbledore vs mcgonagall's reactions to leaving harry at privet drive (15-16) sets up their relationships with him nicely: dumbledore and mcgonagall more reserved but still a bit misty-eyed, hagrid openly crying and pronouncing his care for harry

i read hagrid's behavior here as straight-up caring for harry and not trying to hide itwhere mcgonagall and dumbledore are trying to maintain a facade of distance. but that's not how the scene is framed

even this early on, hagrid's being set up as rough, uneducated, wild (literally; see p. 14; also see his directly transcribed accent, where most other characters speak in proper english), in contrast with mcgonagall's strict proper tough love and dumbledore's eccentric whimsy as a cover for deeper care

here, hagrid's overt emotionality comes off as another effect of his wildness, whereas mcgonagall and dumbledore's stiff upper lips appear proper/educated in comparison

this is perhaps indicative of rowling's (potentially subconscious) take on emotionality/masculinity and class divides. (will have to think more about that one)

chapter 2

[1] my copy of this book is the american paperback, ISBN 0-590-35342-X

[lightbulb-warning]

[MAJORLY uncoherent anecdotal storytine:]

entertainment value: mild

cw: blood exams (not described in detail), vague mentions to struggles that aren't elaborated on, tmi personal rambling written by someone who is loopy from blood loss aka bad grammar/syntax/morphology/yeah also this got long whoops

im feeling mega loopy cuz blood exam (dundnt faint!! how outstanding of me. iamcurrently instanding. batumtssk!!i lie down now.)

but AT the blood exam a newer nurse stopped by and my usual nurse was like "PIVELLA meet [redacted <- (me. im redacted.)] this kid is a STAPLE in this department bla bla" and wow mom look im famius!! it only took me getting my blood displaced and stared at medically and faintinf a lot very often hshahahaah

the usual nurse is so NICE she's been doing my blood check traslocations since ive been like 15 i think maybe earlier?? idk idk i love her she's so nice and a kickass lady and she bullies all her coworkers and also me a lot!!! bully as in teasing she's nice yeah anyway yeah

me having to get my blood checked often is really inconvenient and kinda sucks!!! because i get koed and fuck if i can do anything for the next 24hs blegh but but BUT this lady has seen my grow up and seenbthe fuck up my life became and is seeing me pick up the peices abd whenever she sees me in the waiting room she shouts "its YOU" very dramatically and the staff has inside jokes about me and my dumv unoptimezed blood stats and thats REALLY NICE SOBS

like i dont wanna make a fable moral out of it like live love kaugh kindess uwu because realistacally, when i was fucked up previously (in the way that was bad compared to how i am fucked up now. funny joke. laugh.) i didn't gove two shits about people being nice to me because i was a massive hater and hated myself most (loser behavior!!!! the world hates you already love yourself out of SPITE!!!!!!!!!!) so people going out of their way to make a horrible situation slightly less horrible for me COMPLETELY went over my head "broom broom autopilot kill crush destroy ourselves!!!" (<- that's what my head looked like.ew there's no whimsy and silly in there, gross!! jk baby me gets the reatroactive love myself treatment bc noone els ecan do that for me!! what was i saying) and yeah i wasn't neurobiologically capable of giving two shits about anything, especially some random nurse going out of her way to crack jokes but idk i appreciated now!!! and she realizes i appreciate it now!!! and it's nothing big or grandiose i guess the world is still turning and nothing in the essential state of things changes bc i did a navelgazey testimony of WOW SOMETIMES THINGS CAN BE OKAY OCASSIONALLY HOLY SHIT?? but also!!! if i don't do it!!!!!!! who will!!???????

aesop would prolly write about foxes and grapes and terracotta pottery and crows and things being okay with time, but ME, a certified "just some guy", is gonna ramble about " it's gonna be okay" semantics because its!! been!! bullshit!! BUT THAT'S OKAY!!!!

shit got SO MUCH worse than what i could've imagined in my catastrophation!!!!!! id wasted my life preparing and planning for all the plans Ds and Gs and Js and Zs because my situation was FUCKED and i didn't have power to fix it, and too bad!!! SHIT HAPPENS AND IT SUCKS!!! time isn't gonna fix SHIT!!!!!! time is just a tracker of when!!! time does no good time does no harm!!!! what time did give my stupid fucking idiot idiot lovely self was time to change!!! not in just "omg change your perspective ✨" (which can be really really really important!! but you shouldn't take anyone's shit just because you see their perspective!!!! no you don't deserve to be treated like shit!!!!!! they don't deserve to get away with treating anyone like shit!!!!! what makes you so special that the world's evil needs to converge upon you?? you're just some guy!! they're just some guy!!! you be nice to you!!)

time is just there!! what does get okay with time is being!!! your enemy is no longer gonna cause you stress once you outlive them!!! you can be better than your yesterday self at any time!!! life goes on if you fuck up everything and you CAN do whatever you want with the peices!!! FAIL!!! FEAR!!! if we're scared we do it scared!!! it's not gonna be okay because its gonna be perfect, it's gonna be okay because it CAN be different!!

im still not """""fixed""""" , im still screwing things up and i still don't really understand what exactly is """""wrong""""" with me and that's okay for now, and hey!! i am capable of having a nice interaction with someone!!!! that's progress.

massive tangent lmao

local tumblr user gets some blood consensually stolen, has a positive interaction with someone, goes home and starts preaching at [unidentified recipient] jesus fucking christ maiora go to sleep this isn't the time for monologues

tl;dr: someone was nice to me just to be nice and im happy because i wouldn't have been able to appreciate it previously and it's nice to see people being nice for the sake of it

im nap now buh bye thanks for reading have a night or day!!!! be nice to you i can't do that for you!!! /lh

<3

[pretendstoread]

i smoked a cigarette and i wasnt even that drunk

there were a few things i wanted to write about today but theyre lost to me now and i wish i at least wrote down the general Idea. but i've at least noticed that ive been actively Indulging in more...taboo? things i wouldn't normally or were too scared to try. i've smoked two cigarettes this summer (woah!), had two shroom trips (WOAH!), had sex with a man for the first time (JEEZ!!), i'm smoking weed more often (hmmm....), and i'm thinking of testing the waters with (recreational?) adderall. this is not to say that i'm going downhill, or self sabotaging, or actively trying to harm myself and others. in fact, i quite like this sort of indulgence i'm in. let me do some unhealthy things right now. i don't think i Deserve it but i just....idk...i kinda need it?

i've always been in this need for control--to have it, to be in it. it's very hard to do new things that way because i don't know what i'm getting into. i'm at the whimsy of the uncomfortable zone. i focus too much on the potential negative of a situation: i'm going to have a bad trip, i'm going to make a bad drawing, i'm going to humiliate myself because i am New To This. and that's where i lack grace and freedom and embracing the Fun of being new.

it sucks that being new at something, trying new things, meeting new people, putting yourself out there in some capacity makes me feel like a burden. if i'm not the responsibility of someone else (i.e. a supervising coworker, a babysitting friend, an experienced lover) then i'm a burden to my own ego. even if i'm alone in my room trying to shake my ass i still feel incredibly embarrassed by my own reflection. seeing such failure (seeing my own body) is maybe worse than sharing it with someone else. there's a humor in that vulnerability that brings me closer to whoever i'm sharing that with: coughing while smoking a cig, readjusting on a dick, spilling a nutcracker in your hair while tripping on the beach are all moments that, while silly and messy and unprepared, bring me closer with the person on the other side of that. it shows a little bit of humanity and humility.

that is not extended to moments with myself though. i dont really know how to fully explain it. maybe it's some degree of not being comfortable with myself or perfectionist problems i have and self-perception etc etc etc. but have you ever failed yourself so hard you don't even want to try again? there is no one else to laugh along with you or reassure you or empathize. when i fail myself, I Fail Myself. yknow? ehhh not really something i want to think about further.

random things i have Happy Feelings for:

came home last night after being in a weed comatose at nat's and hammered nails into my walls so i can hang my belts. it was a random spurt of energy that got something i wanted done but for some reason never tried to do in my free time (i realize i am wayyyyy too adaptable to my own traps of inconvenience. i put the bag of toiletries in my room to Force Me to unpack them and ultimately left it in the way for a couple weeks before just stuffing the whole bag in the closet.)

really liked todays episode of the sopranos: s1e12. junior and tony both deal with mortality in different ways. not much more to say on it right now

also between this episode ^ (isabella the madonna hallucination), honestly themes of the show in general, and watching contrapoints content i've gotten a little interested in reading more about freud LOL. he kinda makes a lot of points??? like we all know this we're just freaked out about the mommy sex stuff. there's a tangent contra video on gamergate and an article she sourced talked about Gamers feeling threatened about their Space, their Games, being taken away by The Woke Mob--AKA women, aka MOMMY. the looming fear of mom coming in your room and saying it's time to stop playing. getting grounded and no video games for a week. mom said it's my turn to use the xbox. that fear recurring in these sad adult men being forced to look at their own flaws. their lack of perspective. stupid sluts coming in and ruining the fun, taking away our games. i found that psychoanalytic perspective reallllllyyyyy interesting

finding a new perspective on chores and self care: there's no rush with it. this is not a thing that needs to be Taken Care Of right this second. my whole evening should be dedicated to doing things on My Terms. i spend 40 hours of my week, every week, doing things on another entity's terms. i do shit when i wanna!!!! and it's for ME!!!!

[throwingupmyemotions]

guilt lolll

i only cringe when i try to sound serious so i have this urge to write lol after everything but i also don't want to do that at all. but so basically ughh i don't even feel like using periods anymore

so im not going to

from now on im not using punctuation

ill just make a new paragraph for every thought

no ok this is getting annoying too

ok ill stop but pls know that im so unserious rn and every period i write is written with the highest level of whimsy possible. LOLOLOL ive never said whimsy before idek if i used it right but i couldn't think of the word that i was thinking of. omg this is so fun im actually writing everything that im thinking of!! i tried doing this in my old diary but i couldn't write fast enough to keep up, luckily im a much faster typer ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

OMG lemme start talking about the whole reason i started this. so basically this is just an intro for something else but i think about it a lot

so like i recently had a sort of awakening? kind of? like it was rlly just me growing up and realizing that the world doesn't actually revolve around me. but like in the best way possible bc i thought everyone's lives around me were perfect and i was the only imperfect one but now i realize everyone has their own problems which ik sounds like smth i should've realized as a kid but idk ig im just rlly dumb and self involved.

so anyway, i have always felt guilt pretty heavily like as a kid i would end up confessing to my parents anytime i did anything wrong because the guilt would literally eat me alive. ooh i have a rlly funny story

i was in like 6th grade and it was that time where i started getting all horny and curious. but the thing is i was suuuper sheltered like i don't even think i knew what sex was until like highschool and so i didn't know what was going on yk. all i knew is that looking at boobs made me feel some type of way( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) HAHAHA

OK SO I WOULD LOOK UP CLEAVAGE PRANKS ON YT LIKE EVERY DAY BECAUSE BOOBS IS A BAD WORD AND I CANT JUST TYPE BOOBS

its crazy bc i felt guilty but i didnt even know why?? like im a girl so ofc im curious about what my boobs will look like one day right??? no yeah that excuse stopped working after a yr when i realized i was feeling stuff yk so i completely stopped watching them

it had been about a month since i stopped and i thought the guilt would go away but it literally got worse. so i was lying in bed, and at this point i couldn't even sleep it was so bad, my stomach was hurting and i couldn't stop crying so eventually i went and woke my parents up at 3 am and i was crying so hard that i was like gasping for air so they were both terrified

i sat them down and it took me like 10 minutes to finally speak

and i told them "ive been watching bad videos"

and they started laughing

i cant make this up

it was so embarrassing

so anyway now that you get an idea of what my guilt was like then, its definitely a lot better now but it transformed into me feeling guilty about things that i cant just fix with a confession which makes it harder

ik life is unfair and thats just how it is and we're supposed to just accept it but its soooo hard like sooo hard for me to accept

and im so fucking lucky like im rlly starting to realize how lucky i am now but omg im so grateful for everything that i have but like i don't deserve this at all yk? like i didn't do anything to deserve this life and it makes me feel so shitty like im not a good enough person to get all of this and i feel guilty so i feel like helping ppl is the only way to get rid of the guilt but that's so selfish so then i feel like an even worse person and i feel more guilty and its this crazy cycle that i just made up but idk. im obviously self aware enough to realize that me feeling like i don't deserve the life i have is a me problem. and ik ive been obsessed with the idea of being a good person like my whole life but my awareness of the obsession only makes me feel terrible. like how can i even be a good person anymore if anytime i do anything good i think its fake? and another recent worry that i have is that i have a savior complex which definitely is what this paragraph sounds like. like i feel like since i got so lucky its my "duty" to help other ppl bc it could easily be me in that situation yk.

i obviously have a weird relationship with guilt and my own self image so i wrote this story a long time ago. like a rlly rlly long time ago. this is one of the first things ive ever written for pleasure bc i used to hate writing. so like its obviously not good but it makes me feel things so i wanna put it in here

standing on the damp stone floor barefoot, you look up to see yourself in some kind of cave with an eerie glow illuminating what would be complete darkness.  you feel empty- or maybe blank would be a better word, nothing is in your mind, no memories or significant thoughts. but more than that, no emotions- even the realization that you are naked doesn’t bring panic.  trying to think what your shivering wet body is doing here, bare and alone in a dark cave, you almost don’t notice when you see a figure approaching you. the unusual lack of anxiety as you’re waiting allows you to notice it’s odd movement almost like the unknown being is floating. now it is close enough that you make eye contact, and everything comes back.

all of your memories and emotions overwhelmingly flood your brain pushing you to a crouched position on the floor.  as you cradle your head in pain, you squint up at the once unknown figure now in front of you. though you’ve never met before, you somehow instinctively know exactly who it is and what their presence means for you.  the inevitability of the situation leaves you feeling less scared than you should be and more tired from the waiting.  in fact you were exhausted, waiting practically your whole life for this, your fear easily overshadowed by your impatience.  defeatedly standing up, you take a step forward, giving your soul to the devil.

he looks at you with what impossibly seems like sympathy.  gesturing for you to present your forehead, you  squeeze your eyes shut and raise your head.  while you feel numb to most of your emotions, you can’t help but feel the shiver of terror that goes through you as you wait with your forehead bared.  after what feels like hours you finally feel a soft touch to your forehead, almost like—

your eyes snap open to find him lifting up from the kiss.  a kiss. on your forehead. he kissed your forehead. wondering if this was a trick to make the resulting torture worse, you look up at his face only to see it engulfed by sadness, tears threatening to fall out of the devil’s eyes.  you don’t understand, this isn’t what you deserve.  finally feeling an emotion, you are panicking.  you had been waiting to be punished, getting what you deserve is what should be happening it’s what needs to happen. ‘it can’t end like this it can’t end like this it can’t end like this it can’t end like this’, repeating in your head.  you hysterically look up to see tears silently flowing out of the monster and belatedly realize you’re sobbing too, echoes of your panicked wailing filling the cave.  desperately trying to spark a reaction, you push the devil hoping he will retaliate but he only stands there, continuing to silently cry for you. 

*LOL GET IT my guilt was my punishment but fun fact: my parents actually did this like they almost never punished me for anything bc my guilt was enough

[slowdripsunrise]

what i love about this blog is that i have no followers so i can say whatever i want. i think i need new experiences i didnt mean it in like a touch grass kind of way i meant it in a i think i have a craving to step into other people's lives and experience what they experience no matter what it is to fill some sort of void inside me. anyways i finished Big Swiss by Jen Beagin! review and spoilers under the cut

ok i started this. ages ago. so i dont remember the first half of the book much i said i liked it up there but honestly idk if thats true lol. i guess it was fine? iiiiiiiidk. well the second half of the book was good! chew be honest i only really started caring about the characters in like the last 100 or so pages. my favorite parts were reading about piñon and also the donkeys. it made me happy that greta found some peace at the end of the story; honestly i did not give a shit about her and big swiss' relationship at all like it was fine and just a part of the story to me. like i did not feel sad that they didnt end up together and i dont think i would have been that excited if they had. oh i also liked reading about the bees. the various creatures and critters that live in greta and sabine's house were the most fun. but yeah i really just didnt see the chemistry between them? idk maybe it was the writing style but it very much was tell over show with the declarations of love and stuff. i never really thought that big swiss cared all that much about greta besides her talking about how she cared about greta. idk. i think tbh i was overhyped for this which is unfortunate because i wanted to like it a lot. i've heard about it being so incredibly hilarious laugh out loud funny and i was so ready for that but i just didnt :(((( idk. sort of related i read half this book (almost exactly i think) maybe. a month ago? and just finished it today. and i've found that i think i didnt care about the characters as much because i read it so far apart from each other? but then other times i'll read a book in one sitting and Also not care about the characters or story, like i get so wrapped up in this one little bubble of time and world and book that once i stop reading the bubble is popped and it doesnt affect me any more. i think the last book to Really make me feel was Our Wives Under the Sea that book is fucking awesome. anyways ive been thinking about this recently how i dont really seem to enjoy books as much as i did when i was younger, like middle school high school even elementary age. and i dont know if the books are bad, the books dont have enough joy and whimsy, or the problem is me, that I dont have enough joy and whimsy in my heart to really sink into a book. and of course its part of growing up, and the way i read was bound to change, but it makes me a bit sad? that i don't become absolutely violent ill obsessive possessed over a book like i used to. like. is it the depression that i probably have? is it the anxiety meds that i've been taking that i don't even really think do anything since they're treating a misdiagnosis? am i just a changed individual that especially after the pandemic has become hardened and uncaring? <- thats not true i cry over webweaves and fanfic all the time. idk maybe i just need to pick better books. but i think im gonna try a theory cuz when i was a kid i mostly read chapter by chapter a couple a day. and now its more. read a shit ton until i get bored then forget about it for a month. so i think im gonna try and pace myself with my next book (still dont know what that is yet lol) and see how it goes. anyways back to big swiss i did like it i was entertained it wasnt mindblowing or anything. a book about normal people doing bad things. cool

i did not take any suggestions from tiktok !! however i am about halfway through Big Swiss by Jen Beagin and its. well its interesting i definitely like it !!! but its very hm. yaknow. i really hope i get some fucking reading done soon like i need to keep finishing books so i can read more books so i can finish them and on and on and on. i think i need new experiences.

[hazeweald]

harsh new horizons rant

- the soundtrack is the worst in the series (i get this is highly subjective bc well its music, but i have seen a lot of ppl unsatisfied w this ost) & i wish there was some way we could change soundtracks to ones from older games. hell, id even be willing to fork out a few dollars for that. ive been playing since launch day & off the top of my head the only song i remember is the title song, i havent played ww/cf in years & i still remember basically all of the ost

- as an og fan it is frustrating to have to wait for all the same old stuff to get added back, it feels much more beneficial to new players than people who have been longtime fans. for a new player, who has never seen katrina or jack before, they will feel new & unique, for me its just something that should've been there all along, "finally at last they added this" rather than "oh cool this is new" for me. i dont care if this is "just how games are now", "but you would've had to wait longer for a full game", & "at least it isnt like sword & shield", it still sucks, plain and simple

- the villagers in terms of dialogue somehow have less personality than new leaf. we desperately need a QOL & villager update before anything else imo, the relationships & bonds u make are supposed to be a core part of this game but it feels so empty rn

- bc of how watered down the dialogue is, & how little there is to do, it honestly feels like the game was designed to be a decorating game above all else now, like you're *supposed* to share on social media. its kind of sad how the instagram trend of having the prettiest x has infected even animal crossing now, it was definitely there from the new leaf days but the community has definitely gotten worse due to how much of a global phenomenon new horizons has become. not saying this is a fixable issue, its just something suck-y that happened, not like the devs can do anything abt it, this is just how i feel

- it sucks we have had no new animal species & only like 5 something new villagers, i was hoping for something big, more personality types, hell maybe even an overhaul of the personality types so they're more individualistic, but nope. the villagers, the bonds u make, r supposed to be a key part of this game. making friends is like, the opening sequence of the original game ffs but they dont feel at all like friends... if u have a pink island u have cookie, if u have a goth island u have muffy.. villagers r just decoration, there to fit the themes now :( they always were, to some extent, but it feels amplified now that u can design ur whole island

- the lack of furniture & weird clothes from prior games have made the game lose more charm. people laugh at u for using the same furniture but its like, we dont have much to work with if we arent going for a cOtTaGeCoRe island 🤷‍♀️

- i dont like how much it feels like you have to buy the online to get stuff you want, just make it so they're customisable but only with lots of kits or smth. you can call me a cheapskate all u like but i aint paying for a garbage online when it was free in the other games 👀 at the very least qr code reading shouldnt require online, bc it was free in the last game. everyone complains abt pkmn being guilty of this but apparently acnh gets a free pass??? making me pay 20 dollars just to get a lamppost in a different colour is dumb as hell nintendo, smart for u bc u know ppl will give u money, but its still dumb

- replacing npcs with menus may be convenient but it also loses more charm the series has, i was honestly hoping for more backstory dialogue like in wild world for the npcs but nope i guess i just have to wait for them to get added back for their usual functions. "whats that? u wanna hear abt katrina? where shes from? well u cant do that but you can wait for anywhere inbetween the *3 years* we said we'd update the game for just for her to be the exact same as she was in new leaf, enjoy :)"

- the fact that it took fan outrage to get save backups is pathetic, i cant believe nintendo didnt think that a game that ur designed to spend YEARS playing would need backup lol

- turn the waterfall noises down nintendo i beg of you

the game definitely feels the most charmless out of all the animal crossing games bc of all of these combined reasons, not to say the devs didnt work hard on it bc they clearly did... but everything just feels so.. idk, clean? like the dialogue is safe & clean & lacks a lot of weirdness & whimsy the dialogue in the older games could have. the graphics are pretty & clean... most of the furniture & clothes are pretty & clean, generic wooden furniture & plants & plain couches... the music is v clean & pretty... in the older games the ost was not afraid to sound sad, even spooky sometimes at night, but theres none of that in new horizons. it just feels... stripped of personality & uniqueness that made the games so charming to me? end rant anyway lol

[justgotham]

Not since Texas Chainsaw Massacre's Leatherface has a skin-masked madman made our flesh crawl as much as Gotham's Professor Pyg.

Sporting a porcine head and a demented, as-yet-revealed master plan, the evildoer has so far slaughtered a slew of dirty cops and exposed Bullock (Donal Logue) as being on the take from Penguin (Robin Lord Taylor). What his next gruesome move is remains to be seen, as does his real face. But for Michael Cerveris—the Tony Award-winning actor from Fun Home and Assassins, as well as Fringe's original Observer and The Tick's mobster Ramses IV—playing Pyg has been all that and a side of bacon.

Let's talk about this Professor Pyg...this character has such a disturbing image. I remember from the comic books being very disturbed by the pig mask, but they have you in the pig head! [Laughs] Yeah, it was interesting. The first version of the mask was more like the comic—you know, a bit cartoonish and a bit of a big mask. Then [executive producer] Danny Cannon said '"You know, I really wanted it to look like he cut off a pig's head and assembled it into a mask." It still has the aspect of whimsy, I guess, just because you know pigs are kind of whimsical creatures, but, yeah, it also has this horrific aspect to it.

He's terrifying. He also seems to have a different motive than comic-book version, in that he seems almost like a puritan or a super conservative person. Yes, there is something very meticulous and proprietorial about him. We will see, learn more about him and more about his past and things. He's sort of like an onion with layers within layers within layers. He actually has this kind of innocuous sort of exterior, which I think really fun because it's so disconcerting when its juxtaposed with his brutal kind of mentality.

When will we start to piece together Pyg's end game and connection to all these people? It spools out really in a leisurely kind of way over a number of episodes. You know, we gets bits and pieces of information and it is one of those things where, several episodes down the line, you'll be able to look back and go, "Oh now I know why he does that."  It doesn't all sort of come at once really. The Gotham writers have cleverly doled out the information in bits and pieces to keep [viewers] looking forward to getting the next bit of information.

It seems like he is very intent on making people pay for their sins...moreso than just their sins. Yes, absolutely. You know, the degree of his investment in balancing the scale and getting retribution and undoing what he thinks is not as perfect as it ought to be...I think that's where the connection to the character from the comics proves content— with surgical experiments on people, his "dolls" and everything to make things more perfect. That aspect of him sort of becomes clearer and clearer as it goes along, but it comes from a very, very deep dark place.

Do they toy around with the idea of the Dollotrons? I don't want to give away exactly what the plans are, but the Dollotrons, they are not the first aspect that we are going to encounter.

The mask itself, what is it made of? And how heavy is it? The actual physical mask? I believe it's latex, but it's fairly heavy. Not horribly so, because its actually only the front part of my head and is sort of open in the back with these straps. I think it was a little hard to see in some of the darker parts of the episode and what it actually does is, it puts the bulk of the weight on the front of my face so that it pulls my neck down the whole time. At the end of the day, I have to do a lot of stretching to help my neck recover from being Pyggy all day! [Laughs]

Wow. Did you go straight from doing The Tick to this? I had a little bit of time in between but not too terribly much. I finished The Tick and went to Comic-Con in San Diego and then I worked on Gotham almost straight away after that. It's been a really fun adventure into comics world.

And playing the bad guys! And playing the bad guy, which seems to happen a lot. I don't know if its just something I bring to the table. [Laughs] I enjoy playing dark and villainous characters that are trying to fight for their humanity and their vision of themselves. Very few people actually think they are a villain, they have reasons that make sense to them for what they're doing. So I sort of try to come from that point of view.

And what is your next Broadway move? I don't know! At the moment, I don't have anything on the table. I'm sure that I will, I will never leave the stage too far behind. I've really been having the most fun doing these jobs. Tick was great, great fun with a terrific cast, so we'll see what happens with the future of that. And Gotham has been probably the most fun job I've had on camera. This sort of character doesn't come along very often and everyone who is part of a show, that crew, everyone is so creative and fun. There are such wonderful people on every side of the camera.

Will we see Pyg interact with any of the other villains? I do, as time goes on, get to interact with really just a small handful of them because the other villains are very much involved in stories that don't really intersect with mine so much. There is definitely some significant interactions with some of your favorites, though.

[assistantdirectorhillarchive]

five times kissed

five times kissed | selectively accepting

i.Jeff was bringing her coffee. That wasn’t unusual anymore — she was willing to bet that the coffee was a bribe, so she was always in a good mood when he came by. Especially since a lot of the times he came by, he had bad news. Of course — Maria glanced at her desk. It was covered by her own bad news, more and more of these days. She would happily punch every single person who had sponsored the Accords. They were making her life a nightmare. “Thanks.” She shook her dark thoughts away, returning Jeff’s half smile and taking a sip out of her cup. There was whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles and caramel on top, and Maria nearly laughed at the whimsy of it. “Just what I needed.” She crossed the room, leaning on the arms of his chair as she kissed Jeff, hard and quick. “So, how’s it going at SHIELD?”

ii.“I’m going to go pick up the food, it’ll be faster than waiting for it,” Jeff announced, hanging up his phone. Maria hummed in agreement without looking up from the file she was working on. “Sounds good,” she agreed absently, making a note to do some more research when she was back at the office. The couch shifted and she felt Jeff stand up and moving closer to her. “Try and hear the buzzer when I come back,” he joked, leaning down. His lips brushed over her forehead, barely soft enough to be felt. “Will do,” Maria agreed, looking up at Jeff and smiling crookedly at him. “Don’t eat all the good stuff on your way back.”

iii.Maria had gone to the base last night, to drop off some new toys for the team, courtesy of Stark Industries. She’d spent the rest of her time catching up with Phil and Melinda; it was hard to keep in touch when you were still pretending you were dead. When they’d finally started heading for their own rooms, she’d caught Jeff’s eye across the room. And — it really was too late to head back in the dark. He’d been gracious enough to share his bed, and Maria let herself fully enjoy those first few seconds after waking up, tangled up in sheets and someone else. She watched him wake up, kissing his chest when he shifted under her. “I have to get back to civilization,” she murmured regretfully, her hand sliding down his arm. “Next time we should do this at my place.”

iv.They really had made it to her place the next time. He’d even come by the Tower and waited for her outside, which was sweeter than she expected it to be. The two of them had walked back to her apartment together, stopping to pick up some takeout on the way. Maria hadn’t had a chance to go grocery shopping this week, so her fridge was sorely lacking in anything resembling real food. They’d started a movie while they ate, and after they were done, they ended up pressed together from shoulder to hip. They’d actually been able to ignore it for a little while, until Maria looked over and Jeff was staring back at her, their eyes caught. There’d been a few hurried steps down the hall, and Maria was letting her dress pool around her feet as Jeff stripped. She guided Jeff back against the mattress, kissing her way down his chest. She curled her hands around his hips, nipping playfully at the skin over his hipbone. “Me first,” she said, her eyes sparkling as she kissed lower.

v.Maria laughed as she flipped Jeff off her, rolling quickly and pinning him against the mat. “Really, is that the best you can do?” She teased him, holding his hands over his head. “I saw that coming from a mile away. You’re getting rusty sitting at that desk of yours. You should really get back in the field, Mace. Or at least take a few refresher sessions with Melinda.”

Jeff rolled his eyes, smirking up at her. “Maybe I just have you where I want you,” he replied. He pulled his wrists apart and broke Maria’s hold, wrapping his arms around her and flipping them over again, looking down at her. Maria hummed, tilting her chin up and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “Maybe,” she agreed, smiling faintly.