#ive been going over adhd in adult things for like a week now

[zerobotic]

just realized this post got spit out of my queue after i put it in there like a month or more ago, and, fun fact! i’m 500% more angry about it now than i was a month ago when i queued it!! because in that time ive taken and gotten the results back from a neuropsych evaluation, which my therapist and doctor requested as part of the adhd evaluation ive had going on for nearly a fucking year now, and boy am i fucking seething about it! i spend a whole year telling my therapist about how much im struggling in ways i cant seem to overcome, and she goes “yeah that sounds like adhd” and we begin the lengthy process of looking into that, and then the pcp decides they need more info so i get referred to the neuropsych folks. and this FUCKING neuropsych guy sees me for a single visit and i take some cognitive tests and he writes up a report saying, in his infinite wisdom, that i am simply ““““too high functioning”“““ to truly be struggling and have i considered im not trying hard enough? have i considered using a planner? setting reminders in my phone? have i considered that im only looking for an adhd diagnosis because i feel slighted by my parents not looking into any of this when i was a kid and now i want validation because of my poor relationship with my family (which ive talked with my therapist at length about and this guy only knows the bare fucking minimum)?

like, it’s been a couple weeks since i read that report and i STILL wanna strangle someone about it and im still waiting for my therapist and doctor to respond about how, inevitably, this has fucked over the entire process of seeking a diagnosis all because some jackass can’t understand that doing well on academic tests doesnt equate to being able to successfully cope with the reality of day to day life, and my therapist and doctor apparently arent allowed to formally diagnose me if there’s any uncertainty! which, being too good at tests and therefore being told i cant be struggling is the story of my life and why im in this situation as an adult in the first place.

and seeing that post about being high functioning brought all that anger back to the surface now and underneath the anger im just. so, so exhausted and dont know what to do anymore, because nothing ever gets easier and i dont know how to make any of it work and for a while there i thought maybe i could officially get some answers and maybe some help with making things easier for once and now that’s been shot down too and i dont know what to do because nothing ive ever tried has worked and im back to square one again. underneath the anger there’s a part of me that’s losing hope on the idea of anything ever getting better

[dcsbian]

would anyone else like to talk about how their p*rental neglect affected their adhd

[notcolleen]

[[MORE]]

i hate that bc i inherently see myself as a bad/manipulative person bc everything i do is colored with that view and it sucks lol

like i saw my doctor for the first time in 47271 years the other day and he started me back on the lowest possible dose of my adhd medication

but i automatically felt like i was drug seeking and felt like i had to overcompensate in my explanation to him even though

1) ive been diagnosed since middle school ((literally seeing him since middle school))

2) he is honestly very lax with prescriptions and would have gone right to my old prescriptions so

3) i was the one that had to be like “full disclosure: i am struggling to be productive/focus on anything but i am also aware that i have a history of relapse on these meds so can we please brainstorm what would work for both my eating disorder recovery and my own sanity??” and this was the solution (the other solution being a medication that i have tried in the past with unbearable side effects) (see, im even justifying it now to myself and to my 2 followers bc i still feel like a Bad person!! bc adult adhd has become such a Thing and combining that with eating disorder recovery feels like im breaking one of the golden rules lol) (like if i see someone else post abt adhd meds and i know they are also in recovery, part of me still goes 👀 and i hate that i have that internalized stigma towards the diagnosis/treatment) (i think i honestly just have a lot of shame toward the amount of medication it takes me to function but i am working on it)

but anyway i started back yesterday and already the difference is ‼️⚠️‼️ and my brain finally feels quiet? and today i sat and finished the book ive been trying to read for the last week and actually cleaned my bathroom

and the main thing i noticed is that my thoughts can finally go in a more logically order? like instead of going to make coffee…..realizing that i need to bring the creamer over to my coffee but then getting distracted when i see dishes in the sink so doing those…..forgetting the creamer but remembering to clean phoebes litter…remember the coffee but not realizing i actually put the creamer next to phoebes litter box so convincing myself im insane looking for it, start looking in all of the rooms in my apartment and get distracted by hanging my clothes and totally forget my coffee until i feel like caffeine headache and wonder why ? (definitely not based on a true series of events from this week 👁👄👁)

instead i am able to think: okay, you need to get the coffee ready which means water in the machine first, put creamer in mug while it heats up! you can clean phoebes litter box while it pours! okay cool do a couple of the dishes in the sink while it cools down! now sit and drink coffee and breathe 🙏🙏🙏🙏

and that feels really really wonderful goodbye🕺

[syekick-powers]

rambling about emotions and self-control

i think one of the things that pisses me off the most when family members criticize me is when they say that i’m “bad at controlling my emotions”. first of all, I have ADHD and bipolar simultaneously, my emotions are a hundred times fucking stronger than yours. secondly, i am actually excellent at controlling my emotions. i am the kind of person where if i am having a panic attack, you might not have any fucking clue that i’m even having anxiety unless i state directly that im having a panic attack. ive had PAs so bad where i legit thought i was about to die and not a single shred of that world-ending panic touched my external affect for a second. part of my fucking trauma revolves around having to hide my distress to avoid freaking out other people, which means that i learned to develop a diamond fucking grip on my external signs of distress. it’s deeply maladaptive in some situations, but in other situations it’s equally as useful. and yet because i am very animated and exaggerated in my persona, people assume that i just let my emotions fountain everywhere uncontrollably and that i’m just a waterfall of feelings.

incorrect. every bit of exaggeration in my affect is deliberate. i am not acting like a clown because i can’t control myself, i am purposefully choosing to exaggerate to convey my feelings more effectively. if i don’t want you to know what i’m feeling, you will never ever ever find out. there are some people i interact with on a regular basis whomst i fucking loathe deeply, and yet any time i interact with them i am completely personable and friendly. when im streaming video games on a high difficulty and get frustrated from having to do the same part over and over and over again, i never get tilted on stream. i dont yell or rage, and in fact the more frustrated i become the more blank and expressionless my affect turns. when i was playing dead space 2 on zealot difficulty on stream recently, all of my viewers were complimenting the fact that i spent at least two collective hours on trying to beat the final boss and yet still did not get visibly upset or pissed off once.

yes, my emotions are strong. i have two separate disorders that both have “emotional dysregulation” as some of their biggest negative side effects. my bad moods feel like a fucking firestorm most of the time and strong emotions are very difficult to handle and control. sometimes, my emotions get the better of me and i snap or get irritable. but the only time i’m irritable is when i feel physically and emotionally like utter dogshit and the bad mood impacts my ability to hold back my emotions. the truth is that in my day to day life there are dozens of fucking things that irritate the living hell out of me and i choose to discard my frustration rather than stay mad about something trivial--either that, or i feel the frustration intensely, but bite it back and don’t say anything because i’m not in the mood to pick a fight. if i’m being pissy with you, it’s because i’m completely fuck-out of all mental and physical energy that i would otherwise use to hold back my irritation. there is nothing left to burn. there aren’t even fumes in the tank. this bitch empty, so prepare for the yeet.

the problem that i run into with my family members is that this internal struggle to contain my emotions is completely invisible to any external viewers. they’re not me, of course they can’t see what’s going on in my head. what makes that an issue is that they don’t see the twenty fucking times i got irritated and managed to control my temper through the frustration, they only see the five or so times i lose control. my efforts are invisible to everyone around me, so when i finally do get fed up and make a snippy comment or complain, it seems like i just let my emotions get the better of me all the time.

to be fuckening honest, if the people who criticized me lived one fucking day in my shoes, the extremity of my emotions would exhaust them within hours. the thing is, i’m 25 fucking years old, which means i’ve lived with this shit for over two fucking decades. i have learned to control myself to an extent, and, being honest with yall? it fucking exhausts the living shit out of me all the goddamn time. it’s like my brain expends all my mental fuel reserves on overclocking my emotions as hard as possible while leaving no fuel left over for activities in the day that i actually need to do. it’s part of the reason i’m so fuckdamn tired all the fuckdamn time. but i’m not bad at controlling my emotions when i actually have the energy to do so. in fact, i’m so good at suppressing them that half the time, people don’t know i’m upset at all. to a certain extent, i’ve gotten used to how extreme my emotions are, and have started learning to predict what sets me off so i can make an effort to avoid the negative stimulus and save myself the frustration. i’m just really fucking tired of people accusing me of not controlling my emotions well enough when god fucking damnit you have no idea how hard i’m actually fucking trying!!! it feels like i’ve gotten so good at hiding my distress in my day-to-day life that now people have no fucking idea how shitty i actually feel until they poke me one too many times and i fucking bite their finger off, and then assume that i just randomly blew up on them with no reason or justification. that i’m just behaving like this to spite them personally.

i promise you im not fucking behaving randomly. in fact, my frustration triggers are actually pretty fucking consistent. the same bullshit behaviors will always piss me off; what changes on a day-to-day basis is how well i control the extremity of my reaction. if i’m having a good day, i have enough fuel stores to go “meh, whatever” and brush it off without being too bothered for very long. if i feel like shit, my ability to control my response is hampered and it becomes much harder to bite back a snippy comment. i’m not lashing out to be malicious or spiteful. i’m lashing out because you’ve been doing this shit every day for the past two fucking weeks and today i’m just too tired to deal with this fucking bullshit anymore. my reaction is not a sudden unprovoked blowing up of a bomb. it’s “you poked the caged animal one too many times and now it’s going to fucking bite you to make you stop because it has no other way to express its frustration”.

i try to be clear and concise with my boundaries, and frankly i don’t think they’re all that unreasonable. i like to be able to decide when and how i do a task on my own time rather than being pushed and pulled and jabbed and pressured every step of the way. i like to be able to have my own space where people have to get my permission before entering suddenly so that i feel like i have a safe place to hide when i’m overstimulated. i like to decide when and where i want to engage in socialization, and for how long. i like being able to decide when i’m ready to do a task, rather than having a task suddenly shoved on me with no warning or being pressured to do it before i’m ready. i do not like being gifted objects i did not request (and often actively requested not to get) and then being expected to be grateful for something i didnt even want in the first place. i don’t like gifts coming with invisible price tags and obligations that can change whenever the gifter decides they want more out of me. and i absolutely cannot. fucking. stand. passive aggression. all of these things do not really seem all that unreasonable to me, yet time and time again people treat me like i’m just asking for so much more than they can possibly give. and you know what? 75% of the fucking time when someone crosses one of these boundaries all i do is Make A Note Of It and go along with the boundary violator’s wishes anyway, because i actively decided that making a big deal out of them crossing my boundaries is not worth the effort of asking them to change their behavior, because throughout my entire fucking life i’ve been constantly treated as the irrational, unrealistic, crazy bitch for trying to set those boundaries. i’ve been taught time and time and fucking time again that defining my boundaries is too much to fucking ask. so when someone does violate my boundaries, there’s a little “Sye will remember that“ popup and absolutely zero expression or reaction. which means that yes. when i finally get tired and can’t bite back my frustration any longer, it’s because you’ve done the exact same thing to me two hundred fucking times previous and i don’t have the fucking patience to suck it up and deal with it anymore. im done with your shit.

so yeah. i’m a little bit fucking sick of people telling me that i have poor self-control. the fact that you think i have no self-control is an indicator of how good it actually is, because i’m so fucking good at hiding my distress that you don’t even have any idea how absolutely like a fetid mound of horse shit i feel like until my fuse finally burns all the way up. i can contain a 10-out-of-10 ‘i’m imminently about to die’ panic attack so well that not a scrap of that panic shows up in my external affect for even a second. i can suppress my pain on stream when it’s at a 7 out of 10 intensity or higher and be fucking on stream playing video games and commentating and show almost no sign of discomfort except for an intense concentrating face. don’t you fucking ever tell me that i’m bad at controlling myself. i’m a goddamn adult. i’ve learned how to control 90% of my fucking emotions so well that i could be holding a conversation with you imagining myself breaking your fucking nose and show absolutely zero sign of external hostility. i am good at controlling my fucking emotions. the problem is that my emotions are so world-endingly, apocalyptically intense that sometimes i just get too fucking tired to hold back, and then that’s when i bite. i’ m not just lashing out randomly with no provocation. i’ve been tread on a million fucking times and took it with a smile and you had no fucking idea. just because i bit you doesn’t mean i did it because i have no self-control. self-control? self-control???? don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control you headass bitch. i have a fucking supernova coming out of my brain and you’re telling me im weak for not being able to bite it back when your emotions have about as much intensity as a bowl of lukewarm porridge. don’t ever fucking criticize me for not being able to control myself when you’re playing life on easy mode and i’ve been stuck on expert all my fucking life. self-control. don’t you fucking talk to me about self-control ever again. you have no idea what the fuck you’re even talking about. fuck off.

[heysawbones]

Congratulations, Me; You’re Slow

Surprise, me! You’re literally slow. As in, your processing speed - the rate at which your brain takes in stimuli and makes sense of it - is below average. Quantitatively. The average is 100. Yours is 94. 

Three years ago, I was given a cognitive battery. I’ve had an unusually high number of these in my life. Most people will never have even one. I’ve had four; one to assess for the Gifted and Talented program in kindergarten, one to reassess for the same when I changed school districts, one to assess for ADHD, and yet another, the latest, to assess for the same, as the prior records were lost. ADHD runs in my family, but I seem to have been one of those kids who compensated really, really well. Was I organized? Not even a little. Lose things? Constantly. I procrastinated like a motherfucker, too, but it was usually easy to make up the work in class before it was due. I would drive hard to complete the GT project-based assignments at the last minute, and always did fine. Better than fine, even. Sure, I used to obsessively braid yarn or draw in class, but nobody had any reason to suspect I would have issues with things like maintaining attention or executive function later on. If they did, I never heard about it. Even today, it’s not obvious; people associate a certain flightiness with ADHD and that isn’t me. People associate a lot of things with ADHD that aren’t me. This has been so much of an issue, in fact, that despite meeting diagnostic criteria over and over, as admitted by clinicians, people have been hesitant to give me the diagnosis. The argument deployed tends to be: you have all the symptoms, but you also have chronic depression, which has the same symptoms, so we’ll just go with that one. The underlying rationale, the unspoken answer to “why can’t it be both? they often co-occur” seems to be: you are too articulate and self-aware to have ADHD. It boils down to you’re too smart to be slow. 

This is unfair to me, and demonstrably untrue, besides. I recognized this long ago. I am the one who has to figure out some way to compensate for the symptoms. Yes, the symptoms of depression and ADHD overlap (especially if you are depressed for a long time), but the treatment of those symptoms is not the same. I have been in treatment for depression for over ten years. Am I better than I was? Unquestionably so. 

Do I function at a level sustainable for an adult not on disability? Can I get places on time? Can I catch a plane without showing up 14 hours early, lest I show up 14 hours late, or at the wrong airport entirely, instead? Do I remember things people told me yesterday? Can I go to Target without the possibility of getting caught up in a weird cognitive trap where I want bananas, but am too guilty to buy them unless I do the rest of my grocery shopping, which I don’t have the mental energy for? Do I remember enough of my meds when I go on trips? Can I stop persistently putting things in places that make no sense, and then having no idea that I’ve done it 15 seconds later? Can I manage an adult’s schedule? Can I remember to pay bills on time? Can I remember what I’ve spent money on in the last week? Can I remember what I ate this morning? Can I hold down a job that is, honestly, below my abilities in many ways?

The answer is, of course, sometimes yes. Distressingly frequently, it is no. Where travel is concerned, it is always no, and somehow, I have managed to show up at the wrong airport entirely more than once. 

Yes, I recognize that these are problems all people have, to some degree, at some time in their lives. If people are willing to act on the belief that I am too smart to be slow, why is it that when I account for my concerns and attempt to articulate the impact they have on my life, I am suddenly not self-aware anymore, and am only overreacting to what obviously MUST be the same degree of these problems that other reasonable adults experience? Why am I credible in other areas, but not this one? If I am so smart, why is it assumed that I’ve failed to account for my own emotional bias when gauging the difficulty I am experiencing? Why is it more satisfying to assume that I am not trying hard enough, then it is to accept that a smart, self-aware person may, in fact, have some kind of Brain Problem that, really, there is no logical contraindication to, and much evidence, for? When I do the responsible thing and insistently pursue all reasonable options to address my mental and neurological health, with the goal of being a functional contributor to society, why is this so persistently reduced to a fetish specifically for an ADHD diagnosis? I’m smart when it’s convenient for others, but not when it comes to the ability to draw cause and effect relationships from my own behavior, and make comparisons between those and the behavior of others? If I got treatment that worked, I wouldn’t care what the diagnosis was. Come the fuck on. I’m tired of this.

-----

Anyway. I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery. I’ve read the summary before; it’s peppered with lines like

“There is also considerable other evidence in this testing consistent with a diagnosis of ADHD”

“In my experience, some individuals who are very bright are able to compensate for some of their disability”

“this distribution of index scores is very typical of individuals with ADHD”

“Many of the behaviors she describes are certainly typical of individuals who suffer from ADHD. Unfortunately, the coexisting history of chronic major depression and PTSD make that differential diagnosis based on history alone difficult” 

When I first read that last year, I was shocked because the therapist who requested the cognitive battery, only expressed surprise that I was “very smart” and said that my “scores were fine.” When I later confronted him after having read the summary myself, he merely admitted that some of my scores were “lower than others”. He never entertained the possibility that I had ADHD, which in an of itself, wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d been willing to just try the treatments for it, since clearly the two industrial-strength doses of antidepressants I was already on, were not cutting it. Alas, he was not, and it wasn’t until after he retired that the issue was addressed again.

Surprisingly, I was not the person who addressed it. When my therapist-MD retired, I needed at least a primary care provider to manage my medications. Since the appointment was for psych med management, I had to fill out a bunch of related intake forms - you likely know the kind. While looking them over, my new doctor peered up at me and asked, “Has anybody ever suggested that you might have ADHD?” I was taken aback by the question and wasn’t sure where to start. Them? Asking me? if I have ADHD? She asked me? 

I told her that I’d had two full cognitive batteries done, and that both of them concluded roughly the same thing: yes, all the symptoms are there, no, we do not know if it’s ADHD because there’s too much background noise from other psych issues. Without skipping a beat, she said the most amazing thing to me: 

Well, whatever it is, you have the symptoms, so let’s treat them.

God. Why didn’t someone say that years ago? Diagnoses are human constructs; we use them to group symptoms that tend to occur together, when they’re thought to have the same causes. Depression and ADHD have many (but not all) of the same symptoms, but the overlap doesn’t qualify as a diagnosis because the causes are assumed to be different. I think we often forget that diagnoses are containers for commonalities that we use to make talking about medicine easier, not necessarily biological phenomena unto themselves. If you remember that they are containers - a sort of conceptual shorthand - then it follows that if one treatment for a set of symptoms isn’t solving the problem, you ought to try a different treatment often used for the same symptoms, even if the minutiae of diagnosis means you aren’t sure you can apply the diagnosis typically associated with that second treatment*.

I am now on Vyvanse. Does it magically solve my problems? No. Does it help? Yes. I am in a much better position to actually address the bad habits and coping mechanisms someone like me builds up over the years. The notable insomnia should wear off over time, and besides, as a person with an existing sleep disorder, having fucked up sleep isn’t new. It’s a price I’m willing to pay.

-----

Anyway. So I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery, because I had to dig them up for my new therapist. Instead of reading the summary, I dug into the raw numbers: the related tests are the Weschler Adult Intelligence Scale IV (WAIS-IV), and the Weschler Memory Scale III (WMS-III). I couldn’t find sufficient guidance on interpreting the WMS-III, so I’ll stick with the WAIS-IV scores:

At first inspection, these scores do look “fine”. Anything within 10 points of 100 in either direction qualifies as “average”, even if 100 is “the average”. But on further reading, both in the summary and out: 

-Examination of these results reveals considerable significant variability between various functional capacities, with VCI of 141 a full 3 standard deviations above PSI of 94.** Problems with both working memory and processing speed impacted her overall IQ considerably, bringing her Full Scale IQ down to 120 (from 133). 

-A significant difference among subtest scores can suggest a problem in the particular skill being tested; this might underlie a learning disability. A significant difference among standard Index Scores might also indicate a learning disability, ADHD

-when I see a difference in IQ scores such that the verbal and nonverbal scores are far superior to the processing speed score, I try to discern what could be causing the discrepancy.

-LD diagnoses are also reliant on score discrepancies. On the WAIS, a gifted individual with ADHD may look like this.

Verbal comprehension - 132

Perceptual Reasoning - 129

Processing Speed - 97

Working memory - 101

Absolute scores aren’t the only diagnostic tool. Relative scores are also important. For example, average scores across the board wouldn’t be indicative of a working memory or processing speed issue, whereas great discrepancies between those parameters and others, is - even if the working memory and processing speed scores themselves are the same in both examples. What I’m saying is, it’s right there. It’s in the numbers. There’s no wiggle room. My old therapist saw these numbers, and not only did he choose not to act on the information, he pointedly refused to do so. If he hadn’t retired, I’d look into suing for malpractice. It’s in the god damn numbers, my dude. I don’t care what you want to call it, the deficit is right. there.

What did I ever do to him? Did he just... not believe ADHD is real? More to the point, did he think I somehow, without knowing the ins and outs of the WAIS-IV, faked the deficits or something? Really, guy, what the hell?

-----

Do I feel bad about being slow? Honestly, no. I might have if I found this out 10 years ago, or in circumstances wherein that reality didn’t perfectly explain aspects of my experience that other people have been prone to downplay, or dismiss entirely. Instead, it’s the closest I can get to scientific verification that I’m not just losing my shit over nothing over here; that something has, in fact, gone awry, and may always have been awry. I couldn’t compensate forever (though the ways I’ve done it are many, and in retrospect, interesting) and now I’m on the other end of it, trying to rebuild. I am, as I like to say, building an exoskeleton - something that will hold me up when my brain insists on faceplanting. I’m just grateful there’s someone out there who isn’t too caught up in the semantic navel-gazing of diagnosis, to help.

*There are obvious exceptions here, such as when the two diagnoses have causes whose treatment is contraindicated in the other diagnosis. This is not the case with depression and ADHD.

** You see that Percentile Rank of 34? That means I performed better than 34 percent of people my age, at least according to the test sample. That’s. Not great.

[dedalustephen]

back for a bit.

i was reading through my diary entries from before and my shit adhd working memory really... makes me forget that i dont actually live as good and privileged a life as i think (or my parents allege) i do

the amount of /trauma/ you can see younger me was put through as a result of my parents' breaking and broken relationship was... slightly insane? i dont think me now would be able to handle that

like my parents really... straight up never gave a fuck about my mental health? it doesnt really clock as Really Bad but threatening to throw the dog out bc ur kid is crying in the toilet and refusing to leave maybe isnt a good thing to do?

and that also neglects the fact ive had to function at "gets into oxf*rd as an intl student" level with undiagnosed adhd that is the root of many, many, many emotional issues (which again of course my parents were not kind to)

and /then/ when i stopped being judgy of everyone and started to appreciate the world around me, 2019 hit and my entire life was thrown into political crisis after crisis, the notes i had in late 2019... i was absolutely terrified then??? like im paraoid now but it was even worse then for me, mentally. and then there was corona, i lost everything i looked forward to, there was never a proper full stop to my secondary school life, and then i was launched into covid era uni life, and then when i got home i hated every moment of it bc my dad was moving out and my mom was dating someone else and i was basically living with reminders that the life i was starting to know how to appreciate was already gone forever.

and then i was stranded in the uk for a year, and still am, put into more and more stressful situations having to deal with an adult adhd diagnosis having to try out meds living alone etc. etc. etc. all while my parents continue to not really give a fuck about my mental health, etc.

and all this isnt counting the stress of studying a dse curriculum and studying at oxf.

not to give myself too many pats on the back but ive really been through quite a lot lol and im quite glad for my adhd impacting my working memory bc i dont actually rmb all this happening, im just dealing with the consequences lol

the whole i want to go home to feel safe and secure thing has probably been a running theme thing, i only really was able to identify and verbalize it as that now bc im physically away from what i call home :( when thing is i never really felt safe and secure at home for a majority of my childhood anyways...

so like 1) ive always been this emotionally unstable, its not some im only like this in uni thing, and 2) ive been forced into dealing with most if not all of the issues thatve been piled up /all in one go/ bc if not i literally cannot be a functional adult that gets thru uni,,,,it is not a wonder that im constantly stressed and breaking down rn lmaooo

oh and i forgot i was gay and trans in hk???? at a very homophobic christian girls school??????? and my crush was deeply suic*dal and i had to talk her out of suic*de like once every two days?????????

what the FUCK was going on

processing all of this in hindsight when im away from my parents, politics, my past etc. is... quite insane i just took all of this in stride. im literally going thru less insane stuff than i did as a child which is why i acc have the headspace to deal with all of this and the emotional stability to process this like this without resorting to vague convoluted poems... also meds help lol

anyways im going to go easy on myself with collections this week and a lot of stuff in the future, of course my standards wont drop but i'll be kinder if that makes sense? like i wont beat myself up over crying rn and if i procrastinate too much i'll know whats up (though procrastinstion is so, so, so stressful) and im still going thru a lot of stress and anxiety,,and while i think im not enough like jesus christ ive been thru some shit people dont usually go thru

it's like wait lemme count

oh god theres also the people pleaser religious guilt and also chinese continue bloodline etc. guilt wtf

like that's 8-9ish things i had to deal with that, with any single one, could very likely break a person completely on the mental side of things lmao

ngl im quite strong :')

anyways now that ive processed that or well, at least started to process it, it's time to move on grow up 現實令你快要快要變做大丈夫 etc except like very much on the emotional strength and not 現實應對能力 lmaooooooooooooooo not j*rs voice being a main motivater again what if i see him and im like omg thank u for singing so many songs!! u helped me process my trauma <333 like akdksjjfsjjfjs lmaooo

[mental-health-advice]

i have adult adhd, combined type, and i also think i have ocpd? my analyst(?) told me i had depersonalization problems and i suffered from confusion for a long time due to a low PH level. and ocpd just sort of shawn up at me recently. ive always been really strict with my personality behavior and thoughts and way of thinking and moods/modes. i had adhd so i had all the usual contorl problems and was always the person at the bottom of the chain growing up. ive recently had issues in a new home 1!

and it seemed like it the biggest discomfort for me. especially when my lack of functionality sprouted outroar. i was ripped out my home quite suddenly, surrounding a lot of stress. and i think it did me damage because my adhd bothers me so much. it presents me differently than what i am. what i do and say seems different to people. i dont feel well expressed or understood so it can zone me out. itshard. how does this sound to you? im wondering whether to contact my analyst/gp?

Hi darling,

Thank you for writing in to us! Before I start, I just want to clarify that we’re in no way professionals, so we can’t really say much about what certain issues could be- that really is a professional’s job. We also discourage self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. Therefore I think it would indeed be a good idea to contact your analyst and/or GP! You can talk through with them exactly what you told us and they can look with you at that possibility, listen to why you think you might be dealing with OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder), and reflect on that. They can do an assessment with a possible diagnosis as outcome. I think the most important part of this all is that you talk through your struggles with them. Even if no diagnosis comes out of it, it’s still good that they’re aware of your struggles so that they can help you to their best ability! If they don’t know everything that you’re struggling with, they’ll be less able to help you.

There are a few things that are important to keep in mind. When you look at the symptoms for a certain disorder, you will check with yourself whether you might experience those symptoms. So you are actively looking for situations in which those symptoms occurred. One very important criteria for any mental illness though is that it needs to affect your ability to function in at least one area. Usually if a symptom is preventing you from functioning, you notice this symptom, which is different from seeing a symptom written down and then realising you sometimes experience it. Does that make sense? There will definitely be exceptions to this though, so I’m definitely not saying that a symptom can’t be affecting you badly or valid if you only noticed it after seeing it written on a list. It often occurs that someone’s been dealing with something for so long that it becomes normal, or something else is affecting them even more so it kind of overshadows it all.

Something else that’s important to keep in mind is that there might be overlap in the symptoms between ADHD and OCPD. I haven’t looked into it, because I think that it would be best either way for you to speak to your analyst or GP, but overlap of symptoms between mental illnesses is one of the many reasons why the diagnostic process is so complicated (and why we so highly recommend you to speak to a professional about it).

Having said all of that, I can imagine that moving to a new home has been really difficult for you! There are so many things that you need to get used to when you’re in a new place, and you can’t fall back on your old routines anymore because they all need to be slightly adjusted. I moved this year as well and in the beginning I struggled quite a bit with not being able to fall back on my routines anymore. Luckily with time I was able to start my new routines in my new place and that has helped a lot to feel more at peace here. I don’t know if by now you feel more at home and less stressed out in your new house (I definitely hope you do!), but if you don’t yet then maybe developing new routines is something you can look into? It doesn’t have to be big things! In my old house I shared the kitchen with two housemates, so we had certain rules about who cleaned what and which shelves on the fridge were whose etc. I moved to a place of my own, so I now have my own kitchen that I need to keep clean myself. I’m not home a lot, so in the beginning I didn’t feel like I had to clean it as often because I only cooked once a week, maybe sometimes twice? But because there was no schedule and it wasn’t a regular thing, there came a point where I realised it had been too long since I’d done it. So what helped for me was to write down how often I wanted to clean certain parts of my new place and then schedule this in my week. Sometimes it was more vague, like over the weekend I want to clean my bathroom. Other times it was more specific like, Monday when I get home from work I’m gonna hoover. Writing down how often I want to clean everything doesn’t seem like a big thing, but it helped me a lot! Not only with actually keeping things clean, but more importantly with getting that off my shoulders, having some kind of schedule to fall back on. So maybe things like this, little schedules to fall back on, can be of help for you too? It might at least be worth a try, and then if it doesn’t work you can always try something else.

Zoning out can be a part of dissociation and since you also mention depersonalisation, I’m going to give some tips on how you can deal with dissociation. Grounding techniques can be immensely helpful. Whenever you feel like you’re about to dissociate, they can help you to stay in reality. Or when you’ve already dissociated, they can help bring you back to reality. We have a page listing many grounding techniques here. Everyone is unique so while one technique might help me a lot, it might not help you. Sometimes it also depends on what situation you’re in, or what triggered you to dissociate (if there was a trigger). Finding out which techniques help you when is a process of trial and error, but I do really hope you find some that work for you. I hope this helped at least a little!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline

[modiintrainguy]

Confusion Reigns

December 19, 2019, 6.43am

 I can’t stop thinking about this.

That i am now constantly seeing everything through the prism of “ADHD” or an “ADHD brain” as AL says.

And as he says, an ADHD brain does not mean you have “Attention Deficit” and “Hyperactivity”.

It is about not being able to use “executive function” properly so you you find it very hard to make decisions. That you know what you should do and why you should do it and really you usually know how you do it - but something stops you from actually doing it. something about how its very hard to get from the back brain to the front brain.

Which has always been my problem - it shows, from how i always put homework off, to the extreme anxiety i felt with the product marketing job at sbt where i had to make a plan and implement it by myself.... let alone cleaning up at home and doing dishes and planning shabbat meals and dealing with finances and making a schedule for the month with the kids and stuff.

he says that one of the issues is having no discernable end to the task plus overwhelm, as i wrote in the previous post.

he also says that people with an “adhd brain” get frustrated quickly whihc can lead to anger.

also....

Therefore i think alot that  this could be why the therapy + medication approach to my “depression” over the last 20 years hasnt really worked.

if the problem is the “adhd brain,” then trying to make me “happier” by 

giving me drugs to increase serotonin and/or dopamine and norepinephrine to supposedly make me happy

encouraging me to relax and then use my rationality to realise what the real problem is  

think about what made upset as a child and how that influenced me as an adult, 

do cbt to focus on the realy problem

isnt going to work. 

because even if i feel happier or think rationally, i still dont get over the hump and do what i need to do or become less frustrated because the “adhd” brain stops me from doing the rational thing even if i know what it is and im relaxed. 

maybe thats why when i do exercise i feel good at the time because my minds off the problem but the problem hasnt gone away and when i come back from a run its still there and even i feel ok after a run i still cant deal with it so i feel just as crap as before after ive had a shower!

but then: the issues...

So the issue i have is that it seems too good to be true - is this the reason i am so bad at getting stuff done and i become so rude?

take the last few days, when i snapped at the mrs over little things, including: whether she really understood or meant it when she said having a bath has the same affect as running which supposedly has an antidepressent affect due to increase in dopamine or something. or when i got annoyed when i asked her whether she asked the wall painter guy to come at 8am and she said “i sent him a message” instead of saying what was in the message was can you come at 8am.

The issues therefore are:

is it ok to blame it all (or most of it) on me having an “adhd brain? it seems like it is the main problem but is that a cop out?

one sec, how do i know i have an “adhd brain” - i haven’t been diagnosed, so should i be? is there a real accurate diagnosis u can get anyway. and will i get it done considering my main problem is putting things off!?

even if i am diagnosed and it seems this is the main problem, what the fuck do we do now? can i actually get over the hump and get things done and not be rude when im stressed?

how bad can i be, considering i still get things done ok. 

like, i invited a kid over yesterday who we met in the park on shabbat and whose mum is a psychologist who speciallises in adhd among other things and is into DBT and hypnotherapy and a but of mindfulness and her husband has been diagnosed with adhd. she said she thought our apartment is very neat and i told her ivebeen at home alot the last few weeks. and she was suprised cos her husbanad never does things like clearing up (and i used to do alot less when i didnt have kids so have i somehow improved or was it just out of neccesity? although now i clean the floor alot but is it cos i love the dyson?)

One other thing...

I was thinknig something else. (dont worry its connected).

it seems is that i leave everything to the last minute but when i do that with something i actually need to do, then i usually have a plan of how it can get done, so i set a deadline and work out exactly what needs to be done when and assume that is the only way that it can be done.

then when i need other people to do things to help me get it done, i most probably havent told them about their role in advance and then i get annoyed and frustrated when they dont do exactly what i need them to do as quickly as possible, when really, they didnt know i expected to do that, and anyway they might have a different idea of how to get this thing done,but im totally convinced my way is not only the best way but the only way! so i get annoyed and hurry them up and then get worried that we’re not going to do the thing on time and that will be a disaster and i almost implode.

this can be for anything - a good example is leaving on time for shul so we get to the children service to (although get the kids up and ready and out the house in the morning or getting them to bed before it becomes “too late” are also perfect examples). 

when i decide we should go to shul cos otherwise shabbat is just a long nothing cos we wont drive, and theres no point going to shul if we’re going to miss the chjildrens service at 10 because we dont do anything else when we are there apart from play, then it all becomes a rush. but at the same time, the mrs doesnt know im thinking that, cos some weeks im less urgent, the kids dont really understand time and dont care as long as they get to wear their nice dresses, and im all rushing and angry and frustrated.

see what i mean.

anyway better get the girls up - mrs has already gone to work cos we have littleruns chanuka party at gan today. (fucking hell planning how we are all ggoing to get there on time was a headfuck - believe me. although we’ve done it!)

[kqnsc5yt-blog]

Car Insurance for a New Driver?

Car Insurance for a New Driver?

hi, I just got my license like 2 days ago and I have a question about car insurance. My dad won t let me drive until I get insurance, but he said I have to wait until I actually get my real dirver s license card in the mail. When I asked the dmv how long it would take for me to recieve it, they said like 4-6 weeks. So I was wondering if the insurance company will allow me to have car insurance coverage with my temporary license, or do I actually have to wait until I get my card license to be able to drive. Because if I m not allowed to get insurance with my temp paper license, then does that mean I m not allowed to drive? Because then I won t be covered if I get in a car accident right? So I m not really sure on how this works. Please Help! Thanks

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurecheap.us

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