#ive been getting like. a lot sadder again

[quillkiller]

feeling overwhelmingly emotional because i started thinking about last christmas and how my dad had to come pick me up (i live 2h away from my home town) bc i had to work the day before christmas and my rats were still alive and had to come home with me and i was really sad about having to take the train on like. christmas . so he just came and picked me up instead after work

[thecherrygod]

... man i just remembered how last night i had a dream by the end of it there was a cat, and in it i said "oh she looks exactly like tigra!! are you also an attention seeking dumbass like her?" and it was so i may have actually dreamt about her

[shishuri]

Ive been rewatching Vision of Escaflowne (because youtube algorithm compelled me to).. ohh boy.. watching the anime with adult brain you realize a lot of things you probably missed when you watched it when you were a child

Ex.

Allen was 21 in the anime, and Millerna and Hitomi were 15.. it gave me big ick whenever one of those two flirts with him. And every time he kiss one of them i keep saying "15, Allen, get away).

When i was a kid i did wonder about the Dilandau/Celena situation, specially what goes on down under.. i mean Dilandau is suppose to be male so does Celena grows the matching parts too.. I realize now that Dilandau is probably a split personality for Celena to cope with whatever experiments were done to her, the experiments probably just enhanced Dilandau's presence. Because at the end Jajuka told Celena that its ok to turn back to the gentle Celena. And that is way sadder than what i thought when i was a kid and also what the hell was i thinking 😂

Dilandau was a major jerk, i never thought of it before but he was so abusive with his subordinates and now i wonder why those guys are so loyal to him.

Duke Freid is based af, he is the father who stepped up. He knew, he fucking knew that Chid wasnt his but he acknowledged him, loved him, took care of him and even trusted the future of the Duchy to him. He didn't care about Marlene's former lover, and the fact that she still chose him in the end, I am 100% sure this man is a green flag.

Chid was swole at 5 yrs old. This little man was able to carry a huge ass sword twice his size to present to the zaibach empire for their treaty. Either that shit was not as heavy as it looks, there is magic shenanigans involved or Chid was swole af. Also, for a 5 yr old he speaks like he's 10. Either he is a genius or children in Gaea age faster or the author never met a 5 yr old.

To this day i am still upset that Van and Hitomi never really got together in any media made (manga, anime, movie), Hitomi will always end up going home, now i am more upset that Allen got to kiss Hitomi and Van only got a goddamn hug at the end.. I want my farewell kiss at the very least.

Since Van is a king he may still need to be married to have heirs to continue the Fanel bloodline. However, if he was responsible enough and realized that he shouldn't have kids to avoid the Draconian bloodline to be passed on and possibly repeat the same problem he had with Escaflowne. I know he wanted Escaflowne to never be used again, but shit can still happen and may inevitably be needed to be used again. If who inherits the throne is not very strict in Fanelia, this should be fine.

What the actual hell was Asturia's power hierarchy. The king had 3 daughters, supposedly, the first born should be the heir, but he sent her off to marry into the Duchy of Freid, but the duchy doesn't seem to be part of Asturia, so it's probably a duchy of another country. The next in line should be Eries, but when the king couldn't do his job after Zaibach attacked Asturia, Dryden was in-charge and he married the Mallerna the 3rd princess, and even before that Dryden assumes or maybe told that he will be king when he marries Mallerna. Even in a 90s anime there was a middle child syndrome. I didn't care about this when I was a kid, but somehow it bothered me now. Justice for Eries (the forgotten middle child).

Dryden was actually a green flag.. i think when i was a child I didn't like him for whatever reason. But now I realize that he isn't so bad. Aside from marrying a 15 yr old (he was 21, according to wiki), but that's Royal marriage for you, unfortunately. Besides the ick when he flirts with Mallerna. He bought a mermaid to set it free, paid the repairs for Escaflowne (the price of his main ship), helped Asturia during the war, and he wanted to wait for Mallerna to choose him.

Escaflowne has a "click here to call the Repair guy" mechanism in it. Literally, they can call the Ispano and they'll come right away whenever, wherever if they need it repaired 😂. Top notch Customer Support service. Nowadays, if you call the repair guy it might take 5-7 business days.. that's being generous.

I still dont understand Folken's motive to destroy Fanelia.. he is literally the first born of the king of Fanelia, he can open Escaflowne, he could have just returned with a dragenergist and claim his right to the throne to get Escaflowne before Van's coronation. But instead he let Van claim Escaflowne and had Fanelia destroyed. It could be argued that Van needed to take Escaflowne. But at the start the target was just "the dragon" Escaflowne, not Van.

I also still dont understand why Zaibach needed to wage war and it was necessary for the Zone of Absolute Fortune. Of course everyone's wishes will be tainted with their thoughts of war, that was the last thing they were doing, their adrenaline is still working overtime. They haven't sat to think what is going on so of course they would unintentionally wish for the fight to continue, they were still on survival mode.. i think they would have a different result if the Zone was activated when everything was peaceful. Did they need the situation to be dire?

Dornkirk is Isaac Newton. Lol

By the way, the way Dornkirk described what happened when he arrived in the Zaibach Empire.. bro was having a major god complex, "sent there to save these people" like sir.. you end up there cause you wished hard enough.

I kinda missed animes having a bit meta in it with their opening and ending songs.. ex. The opening song for Vision of Escaflowne is the tune in Marlene's music box.

[peekychu]

hi, ive loved your art forever, finally working up the courage to send an ask ahshdjfjf

when i was a kid i was really attached to the pokemon anime and i remember that one episode about the charmander being left all alone in the rain, and then being saved by ash and given a chance to recover, i remember projecting so hard onto it and wanting to be given that chance as well, to have someone save me like that. anyways, your art has always made me Feel Things, theres a very sentimental quality to your art and the way you design characters. i connect a lot with your sadder stuff as well. youre very good at storytelling in your work, especially that piece with ray about wanting to return to the places in your childhood but not ever experiencing them the same way. man, you hit that feeling right on the head.

anyways, where was i going with this. i struggle a lot with trying to reclaim some parts of my childhood, it took me a lot to even remember that i projected so much onto that charmander. but seeing a pikachu be so.. i dont know, happy about connecting with pokemon so much, it just, it means a lot to me. i used my imagination as escapism and id like to try and reconnect with it. i am using your art as a guide and as inspiration.. i feel like i can get close to that again.

i hope animal friends brings you joy and i will be so happy if you choose to share any of it. and im sorry about your job, ive been in that exact situation, stay strong

sincerely, one online animal beast to another <3

Oh my GOD, this ask is so touching idek where to start answering 😭😭😭 Wow, thank you!!!

Instant follow btw, ur drawings are so dynamic and sensory, and HOLY moly your anatomy skills 🤯 I’m super honored!!!

I honestly forget ppl ever see my more sad/melancholy drawings, I wasn’t expecting it to affect me so hard hearing someone mention it xD Drawing is one of the few vessels I can properly channel my emotions with, and there’s a lot more raw stuff I don’t share online. I never know if the catharsis I feel drawing the Heavier stuff translates, because I still center those drawings around silly animals xD

I’m so happy you were able to rediscover your connection with Ash’s charmander!! That episode always made me emotional too 💔 I can’t say where my lifelong fixation on Pikachu really began, but my mom told me that even before I engaged with anything pkmn related, I was just immediately enamored by seeing it at a store or on TV xD

Eventually she took me to see Pokémon 4ever in theaters, and I vaguely remember being instantly ENCHANTED by the little short movie before the actual film began. Those animated shorts of Pikachu with all its friends, no humans attached, were always this ultimate comfort fantasy for me to watch xD

As my identity and personality fluctuates, I always find it comforting being grounded in my connection to Pikachu. The episode where it refused to evolve stuck with me on a deep level too haha.

ANYWAYS UHH I can’t thank you enough for your kind words!!!! I am holding ur paw, you stay strong too!

[wilted-woman]

music time

ha. you fool. do you know what you’ve done.

comparing turnabout sisters’ ballad, turnabout sisters’ theme (maya’s theme) and with pearly (pearl’s theme) - this does get technical btw you have been warned:

These three tracks all build off the same basic melodic line, with variations in tempo, key, chord structure, and rhythm in order to evoke completely different feelings. I’m calling Maya’s theme (also sometimes called Turnabout Sisters’ Theme) the base melody, since it’s the one we hear first. Maya’s theme is interesting: even though it’s written in F minor, the composer is able to keep it feeling happy by centering the melodic line around Ab (the relative major), and having it at an up-tempo andante (a quick walking pace). Ending the line on a i6 rather than a i helps to soften the minor as well: by inverting the chord, we’re working with two major intervals (a third and a fourth) rather than a minor and then major third. (it feels more major because it’s made of major intervals - deceptive).

*i wrote the inversion wrong in m2, it should be vii6/4 not 6/5 i just don’t wanna rewrite it

This image of the first line shows where the main melody ends, and the fill comes in to keep the momentum going. I’ve also marked how the melody makes Ab feel like the tonal center, even though the tonic is actually F. That first point about the fill is important, because it’s one of the biggest differences between Maya’s theme and Ballad of Turnabout Sisters. 

Ballad of Turnabout Sisters has a much sadder, but just as sweet, tone to it. It’s slowed down to an adagio, and the key is lowered to A minor (with the melody still centered around the relative major - keeping that bittersweet feeling and the connection to Maya’s theme). 

When we look at the sheet music, a few more differences pop out immediately. For one, it’s a whole lot emptier. Instead of the full chords we had with Maya’s theme, this ballad has been stripped down to melody and bass line. We also don’t have those fills in between the melodic phrases to hurry the piece along, making it feel a lot more still. The lengthened pickup and the repeated note in measure 2 strengthen this effect, making you really wait for that resolution. And when you get it, we aren’t in major-interval-land like we were in Maya’s theme. That i chord is now in root position, and is missing its major third, so all we have is a minor interval, making the whole thing sound a lot sadder.

With Pearly probably has the most changes out of all three.

The biggest one by far is the time signature: we are now counting in three instead of two, making the whole thing sound more bouncy and fun. It’s also been taken faster (this sheet music didn’t have a specific marking but it feels like vivace - lively and brisk) and raised up, not to D minor, but to F major. Again, it’s a softer major (note the vii to IV in measure 2 instead of your usual V to I), but it’s major nonetheless, scrubbing basically all melancholy from the melody. The amount of space between the melody and bassline also makes it feel all the more brighter compared to even Maya’s theme, which is about a sixth lower. All-in-all, this is very nine-year-old.

The way this melody-and-variations connects Mia, Maya and Pearl, while also encapsulating a myriad of different moods is really clever, and honestly so much better than writing individual themes from scratch. It conveys a sense of family incredibly well: same, but different.

ALSO on a slightly different note i was inspired by this to write. all this

go check it out even if you’re not a theory buff it’s really cool trust me. it also gives you like. a more wholistic appreciation for all the soundtracks rather than this super-niche deep-dive i wrote

[jeysbvck]

You know, I get why people are upset, but this is just too much for one day. I know you're probably gonna say that you don't hate Roman or have anything against him as a person, you just don't like his booking and his character. But I'm not just feeling that, I've heard that too many times. What makes the whole sadder for me is that if it was your fave or anyone else in Roman's position, you'd be happy for them and celebrating their accomplishments, and wouldn't appreciate people hating on your fave harassing you for enjoying your fave. Meanwhile, us Roman fans have never been extended that courtesy. We can never have a moment of peace or happiness, because it's just always one thing after another, so much drama and complaining. And I just don't get it. How is that fair? We're just enjoying our favorite wrestler, like all of you enjoy your faves.

if its too much for you, then get off the internet for a while and decompress. if you actually follow me or look at my blog, i love roman. i love the character. i love the bloodline story. i even defended him in the past 24 hours for being part time.

i havent seen anyone hating on roman in this instance. we are complaining about THE ROCK. maybe i follow the right people or whatever, but i haven't seen any hate for roman. how can people be hating on roman when he's going to be at mania no matter what?

and "if this was anyone else you'd be celebrating their accomplishments" the same could be said about cody. if ANYONE ELSE was in codys position right now, everyone would be outraged (see: cm punk in 2013).

i do enjoy my faves, and yano what i do when i see people hating on my fave? i block them😊 the amount of time ive spent today blocking people who have been hating on cody, but what i don't do, is go to someone's blog and whine about how people don't understand my fave, that not everyone else in the world also likes my fave (and let's be honest, 90% of wrestling fans love roman, there's a reason he's been the champion for so long)

again, you mustn't follow me, because i don't hate roman, i do like roman, and i don't care if "you've heard that before" ive posted a lot about liking roman.

cody fans, no not just cody fans, wrestling fans, have every reason to be angry about this booking, and it has nothing to do with roman. NOTHING. its about a guy that hasn't been around for 11 years forcing his way into the mania main event by getting on the board of directors. and i truly think that if the rock gets his way, and he's the one to dethrone roman, all roman fans should be angry at that too. but hey what do i know? as long as it isn't cody, right?

[whumpitisthen]

here's a quick rundown on astarion: gay vampire spawn (not a vampire. like a demo version vampire. a "lesser" one but don't let him hear that) who has been kept for 200 years by his master as a slave. guy (who was an actual vampire) carved him up, tortured him and forced him to lure victims into his manor. astarion has been abused in so many ways i'd hit some sort of character limit if i listed half of them. he was only allowed to feet on rats and small vermin in the sewers. poor little meow meow astarion is now free due to [game story] reasons and seeks power and revenge -- he's an edgy fuck with a lot of swag and no moral compass. bro is a menace and loves causing problems on purpose. [slight spoiler] he will literally try to suck some of your blood like a day or two after you meet him and unless you succeed a skill check he'll just keep doing it until you die. if you resurrect yourself afterwards he'll go like "ooooh ooopsie sowwy! i wouldn't kill you if i knew you'll be back teehee can we forget about this? ;) <3 don't fucking kill me". he's such a good fucking whumpee you don't even know. it's insane. i don't want to ramble but he's almost everything i've ever wanted from a character like this in a large scale rpg. [slightly bigger spoiler] despite being the go-to "fuckable" character who everyone finds hot as hell (both in-universe and online) he's HORRIBLY traumatized by his sexual experiences from when he used to be a slave and when you romance him a good portion of his storyline revolves around trying to make him realize that he's more than just a slab of very attractive meat. he hides his feelings behind a facade of "evil tumblr sexyman-esque" mannierisms and getting to finally peel it back and see him for the poor wet cat that he is is so fucking satisfying. [an even bigger spoiler] i loved watching him cry when he finally gets to confront his former master. pristine content. there's so much more to his character (and this game in general) but if you ever need to justify spending full price on a new videogame release, there's nothing better than bg3. if i could choose one game to beam directly into the brain of each whumpblr user, it'd be this one.

Okay so i already loved him from the very little information i had about him, but this is so delicious

I saw some pics of bad scars which are always hhh and heard that he is a whumpee but i didn't know the extent and now i think ive collected a new blorbo

You are telling me he meets his old master at some point...... and he cries..... and hes all sad....... he rly was made for tumblr but especially me youre telling me he has white hair and is a vampire twink who was a slave and hurt and traumatised and he has incredible sad wet cat energy and he only has a flimsy layer of confidence and absolutely no idea what morals are. i knew i needed to know more you have to understand my knowledge of the game stopped at the bear sex scene like that is it and yet i somehow always find the most pathetic little men no matter what in any media i could not give a shit about any of the rest i will consume the entire thing just to know the exact extent of his sad little life

Also i wish i had the opportunity to even consider buying a full price new release no matter how good the game is there is no world in which id be able to pay for that. Also idk about the gameplay either it seems very story oriented roleplay and almost dating sim-ish? Not a huge fan of those in general its gotta have more gameplay than walking around and basically watching a movie, but, again. No idea about anything, maybe it has incredible gameplay and i just dont know. Dont tell me if it does itll just make ms sadder bc that would absolutely make me wanna play it myself. Its kinda funny honestly the longer i spend not knowing anything the crazier everyone seems to me both online and irl. Its like im living in a separate world, i know no one who hasn't played this fucking game fjfhskhfd

[rigil-kentauris]

When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers!! here ya go!!

OH NO JUST 5????

lets see

hm. im going to take the definition ACTUALLY LISTEN TO and translate that to listen with a capital L, put that song on and melt into mattress, listening to that song is a Task.

1. Nothing Left To Say/Rocks Imagine Dragons EXCEPT i dont listen to rocks i do not like it. i got this album for free back when google play music was new enough to coax people with free music if you can believe that. anyway this song is too big to listen to while walking. i will listen to it while driving but i think i shouldnt. its very. hm.

its very sad. it reminds me of people ive left behind. and places i cant go back to. situations that are over without a choice or chance of reprieve. sometimes it just be like that.

but as sad as it is i think lots of parts of this song are also hopeful. the chorus is entirely about giving up, but ever verse ends with i keep pushing on. i think the idea that you keep pushing on and on is the kind of hope that makes all the sad worse. the first time i wrote a piece of fluff, coming off of a solid career of angst, the person i was writing with was like, see, now that they are happy, you can make them even sadder! because once, they were happy! and i think this song is a bit reverse of that. things suck, and you keep going. theres nothing left to say about it.

anyway, i think this song says about me that i am depressed but what is new there. my favorite line is all of them. god ive decided to pick lines. so i would say that. despite liking individual lines more, i think my favorite line is when it goes

But I keep pushing On and on and on and on

or when it goes and instead of but. i think it contrast is what makes the song powerful. im tired, and im lost, and everything hurts, and im giving up but im still going. im falling but im pushing on. theres nothing i can do and nothing i can say. im pushing on. what a very modern tragedy. ill stop now before i go in circles.

grumpy side note. i think If you could only save me/I'm drowning in the waters of my soul… could be improved. this whole song has been internally driven until then, and then the song gives the spotlight moment to a desperate wish that someone else could save me/us/you. pah.

also fuck rocks. im sorry if someone reading this is a rocks liker but i am not.

2. Well now that we've got a a bog standard answer I'll put All My Friends by LCD Soundsystems for the umpteenth time. I won't make everyone sit through this ramble again. I think this song also says about me that i am a depressed zillenial.

i genuinely cant pick a single line. if im picking one part then that means im not picking another

in general i think this whole song is. regrets and nostalgia bound together. lives youve lead. mistakes youve made. people who have come apart from you just as it is. losing yourself to the grind but also living. this whole verse is

It comes apart The way it does in bad films Except the part Where the moral kicks in Though when we're running out of the drugs And the conversation's grinding away I wouldn't trade one stupid decision For another five years of life

And its like. life is coming apart. we're coming down of the life of living and being young and being in the moment. theres no moral to this story. just entropy. and despite that. despite all that. i wouldnt give any of it away. everything has lead me here and i- i am not just happy with that. i wouldnt take five more years worth of chances in exchange for the one shot to change what ive been

i think its pretty aspirational

theres another song i like to listen to that has a theme of even the mistakes weren't really mistakes at all. i think. eh. i think these aspirations are useful. i think we can find happiness even if the past is sad.

anyway all of these are my favorite lines. this is another one i listen to in the car even though i shouldnt.

3. DID I SAY STOP BEING MAUDLIN I MEANT START HARDER. Wide Open - Chemical Brothers after about a million hours listening time i am becoming slightly immune to this one though.

tbh the lyrics arent particularity striking to me but the whole combination of everything is just MAGICAL. plus theres like four whole words in the song. but since ive decided to make myself pick lines, im going to go with the chorus Slow me down/It's getting away from me

4. OH OH. OH I WANT TO PUT. Hm. I think this might not count but i've written almost an essay about this one and i listen to it critically so I think it fits the definition of Listen listen to. Truth Despair and Hope, FE8, Saki Haruyama, Yoshihiko Kitamura, Yoshito Hirano. im mentally ill about this song re: how it blends storytelling and music.. i'll tell you how ill i am about this song i dug up my exhiled FE blog (nobody @ me there i wont see it) to find what i wrote about it [long eyes emoji post with timestamps][a shorter post that i DID NOT FINISH ELABORATING ON???? but i think is more insightful and important analysis of the story/song meld]

anyway. its not like. a song on my playlists. its just like the only music ive every done serious analysis on voluntarily and because i once said if this song was a person i'd marry it. also help i managed to avoid putting any of these songs on while writing and now ive failed and i cant turn it off. im worked up about this again. its about teh WEAVING OF THREE DISPARATE TALES EACH ALIKE IN MEANING EXCEPT WHEN VIEWED THROUGH THE LENS OF THE OTHER. WHO IS TRUTH? WHO IS DESPAIR? WHO IS HOPE? WHO IS WORKING THAT SICK ASS BASS LINE? THIS SONG AND ITS TRIO OF PARTS (okay i count four in several parts but yknow) HAUNT ME

this one doesnt have lyrics so i cant have a favorite one. my favorite part i think would be the bass from 0:30-0:45

5. there are better candidates for 5, but i spent a week on internal debating and if i dont pick a 5 im never going to. in the spirit of something more cheerful than the prior, im picking Where the Streets Have No Names which is by U2. so, for reasons i wont get into, i have been flying on planes regularly for most my life. this is my Plane Song. i dont listen to it very often because like. the atmosphere. has to be: you are squished into your window seat. its fucking BAKING hot because the sun in magnified on you. it is also FREEZING because youre on a plane. you are squished like the sardine with a stranger and your leg hurts from playing the cant touch anyone anxiety game. and youre tired from getting up early or staying up late and youre unrelated, slightly dozy because the whole process is a stress and theres the tremendous white noise of the massive engines leaking in through your very worn earbuds. and theres the minute vibrations of your tiny metal tube, and you are looking out the baking hot window and there are clouds and clouds and clouds and SUN. and you are nowhere in the world on your way to somewhere else. and it doenst matter if thats a good somewhere or a bad somewhere. your in the Sky now. and it is beautiful

anyway i havent flown lately as you might imagine. plague and all that.

im going to cheat and pick two lyrics. We're still building then burning down love/Burning down love because i like it and i like how it sounds in the song. i like the sound more than the next lyrics but i like the next lyric better, which is And when I go there/I go there with you/It's all I can do

im very disappointed i couldnt sneak in a complextro song or one of the glitchy ones. but tbh i listen to those because they distract half my brain, allowing me to focus. they arent really for Listening listening to.

--------

okey i know several of yall do NOT like tag games and i cant remember who right now so i will wait on tagging. but if you want to do it please tag me and i will skedaddle over and give some songs a listen!

[winwintea]

omg okay tbh ive never had this much opinions (?) thoughts (??) with a smau/fic so u can tell how much belladonna is getting to me 😭😭 i woke up and it was the first thing on my mind HSJDBK

i felt like kuns death was more brutal in a sense that there were more gore-y parts?? written?? marks was definitely sadder for me bc HE DID NOT DESERVE THAT 💔💔💔

I CANT TRUST U LONDON (its only bc i have no idea who the murderer is so im pinning it on jeno) (i might log off forever if its renjun) (what if its johnny like hes too….. npc)

- freaked out anon (wait i kinda wanna change my anon i cant be perpetually freaked out😕)

PLEASE WOKE UP AND THOUGHT ABOUT IT ILL KISS YOU AGAIN SDKJKDSJKSD i am literally so happy??? that belladonna has evoked this much appreciation so i thank you so much <33

bro istg i cut out all the gore. like the inital discovery of his body had mad descriptions. (IDK I WAS SO UPSET) mark's definitely could've been a lot more descriptive. (he was literally hanged and suspended by cords) but i wanted to focus more on jeno's anguish lmao

YOU CAN NEVER TRUST ME!! it can be anyone atp !! thats what makes it chaotic !

you can change ur name to whatever you like hehe. apart from lucky girl syndrome anon i don't have any other text-anons. below are the emoji anons i have!

🌊 ◎ 🍉 ◎ 🍷 ◎ 🍄 ◎ 🐍 ◎ 🌼 ◎ 🍑👋 ◎ 🥚 ◎ 🍆✊ ◎ 🪼

[lilorockz]

just a random vent post

i am so frustrated with myself and i feel so sad. honestly what trigged me today was seeing some teenage girls in my dance class and seeing them gossip about their life their crushes and dates and friends and it make me so sad bc ill never have that my teen years were horrible especially bc i had anxiety and being aroace made me feel even more out of place and knowing that ill never have those normal teen experiences make me so so so annoyed at myself for being this way.

ive been working on accepting myself and and loving who i am but i cant help something feel angry that i wont live a normal life and this will forever be something i have to deal with, i wont relate to people and their relationships and they will a lot will look at me with pity or mock me for it and i have to get over it

on top of all that i just feel sad bc i am so embarrassed about who i am and it makes me even sadder when i see people being themselves with ease. ive learned to hide every single aspect of who i am, the music i like, the shows i enjoy, my orientation, even my favorite pizza bc of fear of judgment and its so hard and ive been trying to open up but i cant its been something ive done for so long that i dont even know how to not do it. and then i wonder why i cant make friends or connections... i give them nothing bc ive learned that the only way to protect myself if not telling people anything and now here i am a jumbled mess of anger, sadness and frustration

i just have so much on my mind right now and everything started bubbling up together but every once in a while i feel like this and here it is again

cant help but be sad for the teen me that couldn’t have her normal and expected experiences and felt like the only safe way to be was to hide herself and also for the adult me that still struggles with these things…

also this text is probably a huge mess cause i wrote it in one go and did not read it

[allylikethecat]

ally! i do not know how you do it but with every ducklings update you make me feel even more sorry for our fictional!matty - as i am unable to wrap that man in a blanket (him being fictional and all that) i must insist that fictional!george take up that responsibility as soon as possible bc the poor guy really needs it.

also i love what an unreliable narrator he is bc whilst its very sad to see how insecure he is about his relationships with everyone right now it is also very satisfying for me and my love of angst🫡 the way you portray his anxiety & how overwhelmed he is right now with like everything is so so good and i just hope he gets some fictional!george cuddles soon bc this man is really going thru it!!!

i was so excited to see this update lol & you must know that you are single-handedly responsible for making tuesday my fave day of the week. also!! i apologise for my absence in ur asks as real life & surgery recovery has been kicking my ass but ATKH is quickly becoming my fave fic ever and i’m so loving how fictional!matty and fictional!george are developing in that one. it’s so fun and refreshing to see fictional!george’s POV and how obsessed he is becoming with fictional!matty lol (also that backstory is SO sad and i can’t believe ur only planning to make it SADDER)

to make this ask even more obnoxiously long…..talk shop tuesday!!! i’ve actually been thinking about this one for a while lol and it’s about fictional!george’s family in the infection-verse — i’m lowkey obsessed with that dynamic, especially between him and his sisters, and was wondering if you ever thought about them post christmas fic and if they ever interacted again or actually bother to show up at one of his shows and try and make amends, or does he kick them off the guest lists and cut them off completely??? (idk if u can tell but i love that fic and ive been thinking about it a lot!!!!)

hope you’re doing well!!!

—💌💌💌

AHHH HELLO DEAR 💌 ANON!

Never apologize for having a real life! I hope that your surgery went well and that you are on the mend! I am sending you all the love and good healing vibes and am so happy to see you in my inbox again!

Thank you so much for your kind words about the new Ducklings chapter! Fictional!Matty is truly a disaster and a half and well... it will be a little bit longer until we get to the blanket wrapping part but it will happen eventually! He just needs to make it worse and make some bad decisions first.

I LOVE unreliable narrators omg Fictional!Matty in Ducklings is one of the worst ones (he is only rivaled by Fictional!George in ATKH lol) and I love that we sometimes get to visit someone else's prospective and they're just like... he... needs help lol (It's also fun because in ATKH we *only* see unreliable narrator Fictional!George... we have *no idea* what Fictional!Matty is really like - just how he looks through the Fictional!George lens!)

AHHH Speaking of All the King's Horses- thank you SO MUCH for reading and I'm so honored that it is becoming one of your favorites - it is truly *my* favorite at the moment to work on and I get so excited every time I open the google doc - Fictional!Matty in that universe has just been given the absolute shortest straw in life and has been through so much in his 27 years. I was *so excited* for the chapter before last and to reveal what actually happened the night of the The Accident. If any of my Fictional!Matties needs a hug it is ATKH Fictional!Matty lol Hopefully he gets one soon (and hopefully he enjoys it while it lasts!)

HELL YEAH TALK SHOP TUESDAY I love the entire concept of Talk Shop Tuesday SO MUCH, so thank you EXTRA MUCH for sending me an ask about it! I'm so happy to hear you're still enjoying Infection Verse Fictional!Matty and Fictional!George - while ATKH might be my favorite at the moment that universe is just, so special to me and I love them so much I don't know how I will ever leave them behind. Now to answer your questions:

I think that things will always be tense between Fictional!George and his middle sister Olivia - she's just *a lot* and doesn't know how to admit she is wrong / make the first step in making amends. However, she and her *much* younger boyfriend Henry eventually break up and Henry DOES reach out to Fictional!George and Fictional!Matty to apologize for his role in how unwelcome they felt that Christmas. He comes to their shows when they play in his city. Olivia does not. Amelia (the oldest sister) and her husband Jack, just continue to send Christmas cards as if nothing has changed and therefore, Fictional!George DOES leave them on the guest list. They eventually show up with Rose and Grace at a show. They're never *close* but they do have a relationship and see each other when they're in the same place (especially after Ava is born.)

Thank you SO MUCH for sending in this incredible ask omg I apologize for writing you a novel in response! I got extremely excited lol I hope that you continue to enjoy my fics and that you have THE BEST week and that your Tuesday is also wonderful!

❤️Ally

[dontpunchdogs]

thoughts for today ! under a read more bcos it got long. yelling into the void.

ive always been hard to deal with - too sensitive to sounds, lights, temperature, texture, easily hurt by words, easily overwhelmed by other people, easily feeling left out among friends, too annoying, too loud but too quiet, needing too much reassurance, needing to feel wanted, needing needing needing. ive known this a long time. ive heard it from my parents countless times, had friends say they only hung around me out of pity, had partners say i was the most supportive partner theyd ever had; yet i need too much, my feelings are too confusing or too hard to consider, "i knew youd be upset but i didnt want to tell you and make you more upset" again and again and again.

no matter how small i tried to be, how light of a burden i made myself, its really never enough. i dont get what i need, my patience is worn thinner and thinner, and "suddenly" i snap. "suddenly" i disappear. as though there werent signs. as though i hadnt been begging for someone to care. as though i havent put others feelings and comfort above my own for years, been intentional, been thoughtful, been honest (in fairness, honest about everything besides the extent to which id been hurt) and made it clear how i love and how i want my efforts to be reciprocated.

i'm tired of it. i always thought i shouldnt live if nobody cared about me enough to pick me first. thats all ive ever wanted, really. someone to walk in a room full of people they care for and choose me out of everyone. someone who id choose over anything, even my own comfort when reasonable, and to know they'd do the same. just one person, and then i can handle everyone else letting me down, just one person, please, just one, one person, please, for once, just once.

i always find myself so fucking disappointed. maybe my standards are too high - the fact no one can meet me there makes me sad, but the idea of lowering my standards made me sadder. i can take disappointment, a lot of it, and i don't expect perfection. sometimes you cant give even 50% of your energy. sometimes you need to pick someone else. sometimes you need to pick a friend over a partner, or yourself over anyone else. but i cant handle the degree to which people constantly ignore my needs, or disregard them to indulge their wants.

im trying to rewire my brain now! im going to live, whether someone picks me or not. im going to care for others as much as i can, as hard as i can, but im going to limit those who disturb my peace. im going to put myself first, often as i can, or at least as often as id put others. i know what i need, and id do it for someone else - why not do it for me? why continue trying for people who cant be assed? why continue trying when im just difficult and draining?

today i had an overstimulating day at work. i still went to the grocery store, as id planned, because i needed to. when i drove home, i felt like id have a meltdown. instead i made myself laugh by seeing just how many bags i could carry at once. something stupid and simple, but i felt like i was good company. i put everything away. i made my lunch for tomorrow. i tried a new tea that i picked out and actually finally found one i liked. i ran a hot bubble bath. i washed my hair, my back, my body as though i was someone i loved. and i felt loved.

it was really nice. im holding onto that joy.

ive realized just how much pain other people tend to put me through. why, then, should i hinge my right to my life on my relationship with others?

im going to live. fuck anything else. fuck everybody whos ever made me feel like a fucking burden. if its soooo hard dealing with me, imagine fucking being me. i deserve so much better.

[boyfhee]

OKAY IM BACK 🤩🤩 ( after some self reflection on my attachment to take two ) NGL I DIDNT EXPECT YOU TO GIVE ME A SHOUTOUT OR EVEN FOR ME TO HELP PLAY A PART ( even if its a teeny tiny bit ) IN THE ENDING ??? you can literally imagine my surprise when i opened the app after a goodnight sleep to see a new update and mentions of me in the a/n 😭😭 the ending was so fhdjsnjsnsks BITTERSWEET. it was so nice to know that they all found comfort in each other ultimately ( despite it not turning into something romantic wise at that moment ) and being such good friends ?? it really shows their growth as characters which behaved selfishly to ones that were willing to accept each others shortcomings whole heartedly ( at least imo ) . although yn doesnt have an endgame (cries cos my imaginations were running wild at the slightly open but not so open ending if you get what i mean ) , it feels very realistic that wonki hasnt moved on yet — especially since this happens a lot irl ( i never experienced it before but ive seen my friends go through it ! ). i think it was a very well written ending considering how you couldnt make everyones wishes come through ( talking about the readers choice of endgame ) but yet still delivered one of satisfactory level. it was such a wild ride watching ynki make every mistake we as humans could make. miya was truly a test - she was testing my patience half the time 💀💀💀. but miya also serves as a reminder to everyone of how easily it is to unknowingly cheat on your partner without having to lay a single hand or even touch the person. emotional cheating is JUST AS BAD AS PHYSICALLY CHEATING IF NOT WORST ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ i kinda feel bad (?) for wonki though because even though they were given closure and time to heal, it always felt more like a right person wrong time kind of thing so they will never be able to properly move on imo. IT MAKES ME EVEN SADDER THAT IT FEELS LIKE YN GETS THE HAPPY ENDING AND WONKI GOT A HAPPY ENDING TOO BUT IT COMES WITH A CHANCE THAT THEY MIGHT NEVER BE ABLE TO GET ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH YN EVER AGAIN. its really giving “ feels like we have matching wounds but mines still black and bruised and yours is perfectly fine “ < the exit - conan gray >

okay i feel like i should stop here before i get carried away and keep repeating the same points but more aggressively with each sentence 🥶🥶 i was actually a pure literature student before i graduated from school and its been a while since i had graduated so it was really fun to be able to make analysis on characters again as well as figure out plots through diction 🤩🤩 i cant thank you enough for writing take two because it gave me a chance to put my literature to good use, it wouldve been a real shame if i studied so hard just for me to never use it ever again. thank you thank you thank you thank you.

please have a good rest and all the best for your studies ! i had national exams last year and it absolutely beat the crap out of my brain 😭😭 had me tearing at every math question and feeling hella defeated. its going to be tough but you can do it !! take as long as you need for your break ! you absolutely deserve it after dropping that bombass smau 😩😩😩😩 i will look forward to your return with full excitement ! take care ~

- 🎐 ( its been a pleasure being one of take twos biggest fans - self proclaimed )

WINDCHIME ANON HEHE HELLO 💗💗 no bc a shoutout was a must bc ur ask helped me pick the direction i wanted to go with the ending. and i was so scared bc ppl were hoping for a ynwon ending but i gave them kind of nothing i was like 'what if they dont like' BUT FUCK IT BC IN MY EYES YN DOESNT DESERVE A HAPPY ENDING JUST YET . tbh the whole point of the friends part was that they were willing to give their relationship another try despite the mistakes, call that character development. and miya was created solely to tell people how important communication is. none of this would've happened if riki told yn about miya, if yn told him ab meeting miya, if riki told yn ab his plan, the communication was gone on so many levels. the thing that ruined ynki, if you ask me, was the lack of communications. not miya, not jungwon, not media, not fans, but yn and riki themselves. SO CHIYUV NATION, COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY. ALWAYS. take it from me i love clearing things out and it always ends well unless u start phrasing things wrong ( dont do it )

AND ANON WE R GETTING A PART TWO WITH SEPARATE ENDINGS let ur imagination run wild again ☝️☝️ that conan gray lyrics r so ksdjfhhs fits so well fr. AND OMG HI FELLOW LIT. STUDENT i had science but also had eng on the side, spent my youth editing drafts and analysing proses and poetry it was fun . everyday i think about ur asks ab take two and it makes miso happy (sunghoon hi) bc they rlly made my day U ARE THE BIGGEST TAKE TWO FAN i will give u that medal 🥇

[snazzi-strawberri-artz]

Its that time again,,,,!! 😁😁😁 ANOTHER SUMMARY OF ART UYIPPEEE

my yaps about college, artfight, the august challenge, my laptop dying, etc, below!!

GOD WHAT A YEAR. Ive started college in sepetember and it has rlly sucked my time out for drawing :( BUT im hoping ill be able to draw even if im busy next year! I think this year ive done a lot more rendered lineless kind of a style and im super happy with how far im going!!

ANDDD I PARTICIAPTED IN ARTFIGHT AGAIINNN it was super super fun!! ANDD i learned not to burn myself out again >B]

August was certainly. a month. A certain art challenge took me by its grip 😁 im sure some of my mutuals would know why LMAO But yeah that month was certainly fun! im looking forward for next august if it continues :)

Ive also participated in more zines and also a MAP for the first time!!! It was super super cool being able to participate in a project like that 🥺

On a sadder note, this is the year my old ass laptop flat out DIED. even if it was given so much new expensive parts, one day it just blacked out, and never opened. It happened around August, and it devastated me. I would never recover my pens that ive gathered throughout the internet, I would never recover my art that i didnt save anywhere. i lost So so many files. And we couldnt recover them. So guys. SAVE YOUR PRECIOUS FILES SOMEWHERE. YOUR LAPTOP MIGHT DIE UNEXPECTEDLY AND NEVER OPEN AGAIN 😁😁😁

SO yeah, i was given my sisters old laptop and im using it now. Thankfully, csp saves your pens and materials and you just have to download them all again, and so i had to download ALLL of them again and elimate the ones i dont use. Downloading them took SO LONG OHMYGOD. But alot of my pens and materials arent from the shop itself, alot of them were downloaded from the internet, so i havent been able to get back with my fav pens and materials as of now :(((

But yeah, Rest in peace Old ass laptop, it has served me well <3

BUT A GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED THIS YEAR IS THAT I GOT A NEW DRAWING TABLET!!! A SCREEN ONE >B]]] It took a while to get used to but i persevered >B]] Although its a liiittle shitty because it overheats and the button presets kept restarting at first AND i hate the squeaky sounds my pen makes when the screen is slightly wet (because my hands get sweaty quite easy😭) BUT OVERALLL IM HAPPY W ITTT <3

if youve read this far say BERRI IS SO CUTE AND PRETTY <33

SUMMAREY!!! OF!! ART!!! 2021!! HELL EYEAH!!! This year has been so special for me in terms of art because this is the year where i FINAlLLY receieved a drawing tablet for christmas, and i havent stopped using it everyday ever since✨✨ like gosh i would not have done these art without my drawing tablet, and so i am SO grateful because this gosh darn things are ExpESNSIVE TSK TSK. Back then id just be drawing in my phone on medibang and then unto ibispaint [which i super highly recommened btw] and it was my introduction to digital art! tradition art tata!!! But yeah!! heres some of my most favourite art pieces per month! im still really proud of alot of these, and i cant wait to see how much i progress in art in the next year🙏🙏💖💖

[hockstuff]

when it’s offseason for your team and so for you too:

[branmuffins22]

of all the things to just not bring up again about the events of kings tide, im surprised to see that luz being very nearly petrified didnt make that cut. like, she was seconds or less from being irreversibly turned into a statue, while nobody was around to help, completely at the mercy of belos.

sure, we saw this once before with eda, at the end of season 1, but shes a full grown adult, with a lot more experience being transformed against her will (what with the curse and all), and she had at least a whole day to come to terms with her impending demise, not to mention the years shes known she had it coming.

not luz. shes a child, the closest experience she had to this body horror was when she bodyswapped with eda for an afternoon, and she had maybe a minute, tops, between when her petrification was started on a whim and when it wouldve been complete. she was just a kid trying to convince an old bastard to stop his religiously-motivated genocide.

and somehow, she kept a cool head, cool enough to find a way out, cool enough to talk her executioner into stopping, and cool enough to turn the situation around on him right afterwards, flawed though that plan ended up being.

luz seems to have become the kind of person to be remarkably calm and competent under life-threatening pressure, only to pass that dread into the future. we saw this near the end of season 1 when she managed to walk all the way from the emperors castle to the owl house before finally breaking down, again when she was run ragged at the blight expo before coming home and crashing, and another time when she broke down as soon as the action stopped after the trip into the emperors mind.

ever since the end of season 1, she hasnt done a lot of panicking under duress like she used to do (like running away during the duel at the covention, and running from grom, to name a few), but she almost always brings it up again eventually, from her pride over the piece of the emperors mask she chipped off in their first fight, to the constant angst about the revelations in hollow mind, she clearly processes the emotions from those scenarios eventually.

not so with her petrification.

i suppose i can chalk it up to another casualty of the cut, but its really a huge shame that all we get to worry about from the events of kings tide is "the child god is running loose on the boiling isles while were stuck on earth, unable to ensure the safety of our loved ones", and then theres the whole new/old thing of belos somehow still being around, and it just feels so disconnected from that plot.

their time on earth couldve been a deeply emotional unpacking of all the stuff theyve been going through while they try to make it back, mixed with whatever adventures can be had, repeated failures and lingering repression leading up to luz's attempted narrative suicide, but instead we got "look how sad this all is, but look at all the fun times weve had, but now look how much sadder luz still is than everyone else, despite all those fun times we just showed you, and wOAH WATCH OUT! BELOS!"

idunno, one of the biggest reasons ive gotten into fanfic in the last month has been to explore the emotional consequences of all that stuff. one of my favorite oft-overlooked traumas is that luz had to endure the encroaching effects of a rather horrific death while simultaneously lying her way out of it, succeeding by such a small margin that it may as well have been a fluke that she survived at all. lots of potential for angsty nightmares and such, but none of it explored.