#ive barely even begun processing my grief

[scribespirare]

even w/ a new laptop ive been having an issue writing lately and i think its mostly just the fact that when i open up the file explorer to save or pull something up its. empty. so so fucking empty.

[morganaspendragonss]

quédate un segundo más (1/8)

@911lonestarangstweek day 8 - t is for...tumour, terminal, treatment

title from voy a quedarme by blas cantó, translates roughly to 'stay a second more'

thanks to @halsteadmarchs and @tarlos-spain for the beta!

as shown above, this will be eight chapters if all goes to plan, and i hope to finish it before season 3 begins. much of what is written both in this chapter and in future ones is ripped directly from life and i am only writing from my own perspective and experiences of losing a loved one to cancer.

ao3 | 1.6k | angst, hurt tk, cancer, terminal illness, more warnings to come in future chapters

A rare genetic mutation.

That’s what the doctors tell him when the results come back.

A rare genetic mutation that has rendered his cancer practically undetectable until its latest stages, until all that’s left to do is wait to die.

TK’s hands shake as various leaflets on Managing Your Diagnosis and What To Expect and Looking After Someone With Cancer are placed in them. He feels two steps to the side of himself, his entire world halting in its tracks the moment those words had left the doctor’s lips.

“I’m afraid it’s not good news,” he’d said, eyes wide and empathetic. “Your scans and blood results have come back showing evidence of a tumour on your pancreas. There are treatment options which we can and will—with your consent—pursue, however I have to inform you that your cancer is entering stage IV. It has begun to spread to your bladder and liver. I’m sorry to say that, at this point, treatment is more focused on managing your pain and making you as comfortable as possible; we do not anticipate recovery.”

It’s just… TK’s fine. He feels fine. Like, sure, he’s been a little more tired recently and he’s been getting these weird pains, but they always fade after a while, and he’s fine.

But he couldn’t deny the blood spotting his pee, the last straw which had finally sent him to the doctor’s office.

Too late, apparently.

A touch on his knee brings him back to reality with a start. TK looks up to meet the doctor’s kind gaze, and he wants to cry.

“I understand this is a lot to take in,” he’s saying. “If you have any questions, please ask.”

“I…” TK shakes his head, swallowing a couple of times before dropping his eyes to his knees, the words on the pamphlets blurred through his tears. “How long?”

The doctor hesitates a moment, then sighs regretfully. “I can’t say for certain. People frequently outlive their projected timeframes; equally, it could be less. However, given the way your tumour looks and the rate it appears to be spreading at, I would estimate around six months.”

Six months.

Six—six months.

“Oh,” TK says, and it feels wildly insufficient but it’s all he has. What even is there to say? He’s dying, and that’s...that’s that.

“Do you have a support system in place?” the doctor asks. “This is going to be a difficult process, and you are going to need other people to help you through it.”

TK nods slowly, not looking up. “M-My husband. Carlos. He was supposed to come with me today but he was called into work last minute. He’s a detective, so he couldn’t exactly refuse—not that that stopped him from trying.” He laughs wetly, remembering how he’d insisted that everything would be fine when Carlos had stalled leaving this morning. “And there’s my dad, and my team—my family. I’m a paramedic and I work in a fire station, so we’re all pretty close. I… Shit, I’m sorry. You don’t need to know all this.”

“It’s okay.” The doctor is still smiling, still so understanding, and TK wonders—just how many times has he had to do this? “I’m glad to hear you have solid support behind you; that’s going to be incredibly important for the coming months. I’ve also given you a few leaflets about support groups you can access, that your family can access, and, of course, your treatment team will be there every step of the way.

“Now,” he continues, returning to a semi-professional aspect, “I want to see you later this week to iron out how we’re going to proceed. For now, why don’t you go home and rest, allow yourself to process this? Does Friday at 10.30 work for your next appointment?”

TK nods absently, clutching the pamphlets tight enough to crease them. “That’s fine,” he whispers.

“Okay,” the doctor says, just as quiet. “Are you going to be okay to get home?”

“Yeah.”

But he doesn’t move. He can’t. In this room, he’s separated from the rest of the world—TK doesn’t want to go back into it, where he’ll have to tell everyone he loves that he’s… That he…

“TK.”

TK’s head snaps up at the doctor’s voice and he flushes a little at seeing his pointed look. “Sorry,” he mutters, scrambling to stand up.

The doctor stands too, much more gracefully than TK, and gets the door for him. “It’s okay. I’ll see you on Friday, TK, alright?”

He mumbles an affirmative then steps out of the office, taken aback for a moment by the bustle and noise in the corridor. It’s strange to witness it now, to see all these people who don’t know him from Adam going about their lives, while his has, in the span of thirty minutes, completely crumbled.

TK takes a deep breath (and how many of those does he have left?) and joins the flow.

*

He’s home.

That’s… He doesn’t remember it. He must have unlocked the front door because the keys are in his hand and he’s standing in the entryway, but TK has no idea how he managed to get from the doctor’s office to here.

He made good time though, judging by the clock on the wall.

Small victories.

With heavy steps, TK walks to the sofa, easing himself down and tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling. It still doesn’t feel real that there's this—this thing inside him, growing and mutating and killing him. He’s not sure when it finally will.

Maybe in a few months, when his skin is sagging off his bones and his hair is gone and even the very act of breathing is a challenge.

Or maybe in a few hours, when Carlos comes home and TK has to break the news. TK can picture his face now, the way his ever-present smile will crack and break, the shock and hurt and grief that will take its place.

He thinks he understands his dad now.

TK closes his eyes and tries to clear his mind, just for a moment, of everything that’s happened today.

Which, as it turns out, is a mistake, because that’s when he remembers the letter that came for them yesterday and the phone call they’re going to make after dinner.

The phone call they were going to make after dinner.

TK wants to scream at the unfairness of it all. They’ve been waiting for that moment for so long, the moment in which they found out they were finally cleared to adopt a kid. And now…

Gone.

Carlos is going to be crushed.

As if the universe is reacting to that last thought, the door suddenly swings open, marking Carlos’s return from his impromptu shift. For a moment, TK panics. He’s not ready, dammit, he needs more time to plan and to figure it all out, how he feels and what he’s going to say, but—

But, in the end, it doesn’t matter. He could have had the most detailed and well-thought out plan in the world and it wouldn’t have mattered.

Because all it takes is one look at Carlos’s smile for TK to fall apart.

Carlos is by his side in an instant, gathering him in his arms and sliding to the floor with him when TK can no longer support himself on the couch. TK fists his hands in his husband’s shirt and cries into his neck, all the emotion that’s been slowly building all day exploding from him all at once.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Carlos shushes, which only makes TK cry harder, because how is he supposed to tell him that it’s not?

He shakes his head and clings onto him tighter, feeling Carlos do the same to him in return. TK’s always felt safe in his arms and it’s no different now; he thinks that, if he can just stay here forever, maybe things will turn out okay after all.

But the moment ends, as they tend to do. When TK’s sobs have run dry, Carlos carefully pulls back from him, his hands rising to cup his face and wipe the tears from his cheeks.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” he asks softly, so much worry in those damn eyes that it hurts. “Is it… Did the doctor say something? Are you okay?”

TK opens his mouth, but the words refuse to come out. All he manages is a wordless shake of the head, and even that turns Carlos’s expression into the picture of devastation. He can’t bear to look at it, so he wraps his arms around Carlos’s waist and leans into him again, resting his head on his chest.

Carlos holds him and presses a kiss to the top of his head. “We’ll get through it,” he promises. “Whatever it takes.”

And it turns out that he does have a few more tears left in him; TK squeezes his eyes shut and breathes out shakily as a couple of lone drops fall down his cheeks. “We can’t,” he whispers hoarsely. Carlos stiffens and shifts as if to look TK in the eyes, but TK doesn’t let him. If he has to look at Carlos, he doesn’t think he’ll have the courage to say it. He hesitates a moment longer, a huge lump forming in his throat, but eventually he manages it.

“It’s cancer,” he chokes out. “Stage IV. Incurable. They think… I’ve got six months.”

It’s like time stops.

They’re both motionless on the floor of their front room, neither saying anything, barely breathing as the weight of it settles between them.

TK doesn’t know how long it lasts for, but suddenly Carlos sobs and grips onto him with a bruising strength. Carlos’s body heaves and shakes with the force of his cries, and it’s TK’s turn to hold him as tears drip down Carlos’s cheeks into his hair.

And, in that moment, it becomes real.

[deactivatedashe-s]

My List of Stories

Secret: zero: 

Anthony Slaughter has been living alone on the side of a cliff he carved out, completely self-sufficient, for the past ten years. Before he knows it, he’s chasing a thief into an electric trap and is waking up to the world he never had the chance to learn from. The leader of the guild he fell into looks like someone from the past… No, he is that person. He needs to get out of here before they discover his secret.

Litheliun: 

This is why he didn’t want to travel past Earaat. Ziren and Riden have been travelling the continent together for a good portion of their life. All it takes is some poor management of a ship and suddenly Ziren is running across the world in order to reunite with the person who holds his greatest secret. Along the way, he runs into those who barely even seem to connect with his goal. Unfortunately, they all carry bits and pieces of a history that had been lost in time, a history that may relate to his grey-eyed partner a little too much.

Eternal: 

The sequel to Litheliun. Nearly 600 years after Ziren and Riden disappeared, life continues on. The people they left behind live their lives. However, they never did fully finish what they started. Leia returns to the scene larger and more powerful than ever. Phiran and the daughter of the queen regent, Melody, are forced to leave behind the invaded Capital of Oshiean and seek out the help of the Spirit Catalysts. Along the way, Phiran unearths facts about himself and others that were buried in time. Guilt, grief, and chaos reveal themselves in spades as they all wonder how it came to this. 

Millennium War: 

The prequel to Litheliun. Tens of thousands of years prior to the course of events that make up Era of Realisation is the true history behind the one known as Riden Olivyon. It all starts with the era known as the Millennium War. Reidoux Youthly lives a life of tragedy. Her life begins a secret. Too shortly into it, she’s already lost most of it. Emotions are detached and revenge consumes her. She’s destined to fail but not before she places a curse on the world that cursed her very existence by name.

Short Stories: 

This is literally just random instances in the lives of the Litheliun crew during, before, between, and after the events. It consists of a poetic summary of Reidoux’s PoV from beginning to end, the events leading up to Liluna and Chiron’s marriage, TJ and Diamante’s own love life, Ziren’s narration between Litheliun and Eternal, and more. 

re:Meetings: 

Day’s past is a mystery. He is an aberration. He leaves a vague impression of recognition on many of the people he comes across yet none actually can place it. His only clue is a small, irremovable band around his left wrist with a circular charm. When the independent group that had taken him in, Evani, is blackmailed into taking part in another war after their empire had fallen from the last one six years ago, Day decides to assist them in a plan to escape. Unfortunately, that entails befriending the king of the country that reduced them to a small village… Where is this melody coming from?

Meetings: 

The prequel to re:Meetings (ironically). Amale has been trying to protect itself from the Evanence Empire’s attempt at imperializing the peninsula for the past decade. On one side of the war, a young prince and his retainer fight for their country against all odds. On the other side, a noble lady sneaks her way into the army to assist her fiance. Somewhere in between, a boy assassin falls in love with an unfortunate bystander. None of them know that fate plans to tear them all apart.

Lock and Key: 

It was World War IV in 2107. It lasted for only seven days, but it was enough to send the world into watery apocalypse. The human population went from a striking 9.7 billion to just 2.3 billion. Magic. That was the cause. No one knows how it was discovered or why they just suddenly knew it. However, there’s a journal floating along the water that explains it all. It’s locked, but the search for the key has begun. Avery James knows more than anyone else on this watery abyss of a godforsaken planet. She’s determined to return the books to the hands of its rightful owner. 

Valentia: 

Riddle was a rescued slave that caters to the royal family. After years of being trapped in the dark, he finally has some semblance of a normal life. After being framed for a crime he didn’t commit and pinned to a wanted criminal with the ironic name of Rhyme, suddenly he wonders why he ever wanted a normal life. This is fun! While running across the dimensions, he meets invaluable friends and discovers secrets about himself and his past. Yet, he can’t shake the illogical phrase Rhyme whispered to him when they first met. “You’re a valiant knight, aren’t you?” Riddle didn’t even do anything when they met. 

Fantys Aurea: Academy: 

Skylar Davit is a villain. That’s a fact that will never change. It may have been pure chance that his school burnt down but transferring to the greatest hero academy in the country with his cousin and partner-in-crime was a decision that he doesn’t regret. His roommate may be a clusterfunk of saturated primary colours and white that suffers from casual existential despair and hyperactivity and his cousin might be insinuating something he doesn’t really get but he’s not planning on leaving… After all, too many of students and faculty here in Phantom Rhea Academy are too suspiciously related to what made him become the villain he is. 

Game of Chase: 

A spin-off of Fantys Aurea. The heist was supposed to be fun. Curse the spirits, Alice’s cold just had to destabilise her power, huh? Skylar and Sora somehow end up dimension hopping after an artefact of unimaginable power. Skylar just wants to go home already and take a break from Sora’s unending pining. Why should he care if some random dimension blows itself up? It’s not like they’re the one dimension hopping. Why does Sora need to have a hero-complex?!

Fantys Aurea: University:

A collection of short stories that occur after the events of Game of Chase and FA:Academy when Skylar decides to attend college as a Psychology Major. The others are self-sufficient or making their wages already. At least he's not alone... If only the personified definition of cheery despair would pay attention to him!

Godly Affairs: 

Meth is a god. That is a fact of the universe. What kind of god is he? Well, that’s the mystery. His mind is a blur, a jumble of colours like the empty pocket universe he’d been trapped in for aeons. He vaguely remembers the sound of playful laughter and the impression of metal working. Finally freed from his prison, he resides in the Aurea Pantheon’s other-world until he can assist him like the weapon of mass-destruction they believed he was before they discovered his amnesia. He wants to discover who he is but his only lead is the arcane god who resides in the Mirrored Forest.

Caelus: 

Caila’s country was falling apart from a civil war. Her servants had forced her to hide and before she knows it, she’s falling through space and time. Alex, Alice, Anthea, and Aias live in the heart of the Forbidden Forest, hidden. They’ve lived for centuries after having left their mark as the Heroes of Legend in the world of Caelus. They never expected visitors in the form of two escaped slaves, one a fae and the other a human from Earth?! All of them are speechless until Alice pipes in. “Welcome to Caelus, the world of stories, my Princess.” Now, their goal is to return Caila to Earth before it’s too late.

Ever After: 

The spin-off shorts of Caelus. Like the Litheliun Short Stories, these are narratives of the lives of the Caelus crew any point in their lives undocumented in the main story. It follows their lives before the prodigy twins created the interdimensional portal that drops Earth humans into Caelus and changed the destinies of everyone involved. It also narrates their lives afterwards.

Dragons: 

The first part occurs in their youth. A group of youths had ventured into the forbidden caves and soon found themselves whisked through the sky and surrounded by the dragons who live there. Out of the many children, only three found the courage to live amongst the dragons while the others dug deeper and created a civilisation for themselves within. The second part deals with the lives of those three children after discovering they had been brought to the future and that their dragons had returned to the past. They willing restart their lives, separated… Good thing dragons have a tendency to be immortal.

Falling in Wonder:

In a particular city forgotten by the outside world, there is a trio of heroes against outside forces, a trio known as Wonderland. What happens when a stranger from the outside shows up and begins to disrupt the daily lives of the citizens in Memory Coast? This person is different. He is different. He will begin something new.

Most of these stories are not available online. However, you can find the unfinished, original (and very cringe-worthy) drafts of Secret:zero, Litheliun: Short Stories, re:Meetings, Valentia (then named Never Give In), Secrets Behind Lock and Key (rewrite and original), Caelus, and Falling in Wonder on my Wattpad account here! The original draft of Litheliun is complete and currently in the process of being rewritten. If you’d like to read the first eleven chapters of the original draft, you can look through the early stages posts of @ahotcupoftea for those. For the entire draft, please message me. Actually, if you’d like to read any of the unpublished drafts for all or any of the stories I have, please message me and I wouldn’t mind sharing or posting them!

P.S. Secret:zero, like Lock and Key, is a rewrite of the story I titled Secret but with a different execution and narration. That one can be found on a much older and much more cringe-worth account from my middle school years. Secret has a similar plot line to Zero but the original took place in a werewolf universe under the PoV of Lucas (the leader) while Zero takes place in a fantasy-guild-esquire universe in the PoV of Anthony (the betrayer). Lock and Key (rewrite) can be considered the sequel to the original. The original has a set-up like a journal and is quite literally the journal that Avery looks for in the rewrite. However, the original sequel was meant to take the PoV of the author of the journals.