#ive always been more perceptive than the average person

[mare-the-silly-scroingle]

im not gonna lie guys its really awkawrd i planned this date w my gf bc its very clear she doesnt love me anymore LMAO so now im like sitting here like um. glad we’re seeing a play neither of us really care about together this is going to go really good

[suffarustuffaru]

Reading your tags about how people miss the very obvious "there's some fucked up shit boiling underneath" regarding Otto, just gave me a sudden realization. Otto is the only character I know in fiction where they act all innocent and drive up the "clumsy", "just in the side-lines" and "straight-man (heh)" persona. When. Like no one's in the EMT camp is buying it. They know he's way more capable than he let's on. Meanwhile, the tomfoolery is completely brought on by the Western audience.

Like Otto is failing miserably to make other characters believe that he's not up to mischief, Roswaal even thinks it can bring his downfall. But the audience, who even sometimes *sees* his fucked up thought process, is buying it.

*head in hands*

no u bring up so many good points bc ive been really thinking about this for a while T^T its such an interesting phenomenon in the difference in perception otto has between the japanese speaking half of the fandom vs the english speaking half which can be explained by—yeah. media illiteracy mainly. im also putting my head in my hands anon T^T

because—okay sorry wkdndn im gonna get into meta again but hear me out bc this pattern of the fandom underestimating otto is interesting bc i kind of sort of i cracked the code maybe??? o.o i think the nature of otto is a character is that youre SUPPOSED to underestimate him at first, just like what happens sometimes in universe. i mean wayyy back then i definitely wasnt expecting him to get more depth added to him in arc 4–which was a pleasant surprise—which is also the reaction the vast majority of people have to reading/watching arc 4, along with the other vast majority reaction which is being a bit endeared to ottosubas friendship and respecting otto for being a good friend. and then its easy to underestimate otto bc of 1. all the chaos going on in rezero at any given moment and 2. hes almost always overshadowed by other characters doing worse shit or being more insane than he is and 3. otto of course damn well knows hes easy to underestimate and counts on that. thats what he did against roswaal in arc 4. plus—i mean even aesthetics-wise hes 100% DESIGNED to be easy to underestimate. his outfit and physical features make him look either friendly or frazzled or soft. so i think that the point is that we were supposed to be kind of fooled—at first.

because yeah, we’re endeared to otto. we respect him for helping subaru the way he did. we think that hes a nice person and we now support his actions especially after feeling sympathetic towards him after learning his backstory. (or at least the average audience member will think this wjdndn.) but like—you dont even NEED to look at any side content at all for it to dawn on you that theres something Wrong. with him. like all you need is main route arcs 3-8 aka ottos entire screentime thus far, because at arc 4 its so easy to overlook otto unless youre thinking a bit deeper (for example—he gets violent with subaru. like yeah its entertaining, its played for laughs a bit, yeah subaru needed to be snapped out of his own head, but was it 100% necessary??? why did otto have this response??? bc if you just look at the main timeline otto really decided to beat up subaru first. and bc this tendency is now Less Funny in arc 8).

but even if youre just looking at rezero face value, when you get to arc 5 its starting to get even more clear that ottos weird in the head. like we already saw him being very good at scheming and planning in arc 4–in arc 5, we find out about otto hiding the tome for a year. we find out WHY hes been hiding the tome for a year. the tome then leads the witch cult into priestella, so like—in the sense, otto is RESPONSIBLE for arc 5. but theres STILL a tendency sometimes for the audience to continue underestimating him even though by this point we’re getting more clues and many characters around otto, like you said anon, KNOW hes very capable. i keep wondering why this is, but arc 5 is, again, FULL of chaos and different storylines happening at once, so its so easy to almost kind of forget otto there in the background until he occasionally pops up again. plus otto serves an additional role as comedic relief sometimes—he spends all of arc 5 being bitchy and whiny (i say this affectionately HAH) about his camp being full of disasters, for example, so i think the natural response from the audience tends to be “aw otto!! what a silly guy!!” sometimes. you know? so its like. i think at this point some people tend to be like “yeah fair that otto was wary of roswaal and thats why he saved the tome…. anyway ooooh whats going on with these other plot points” wobsbss. its so fascinating bc—ok this might be my own personal experience but anyone reading this pls tell me if you agree or not—i dont think ive seen a lot of people actually even MENTION otto bringing the tome into priestella attracting witch cultists. and the english speaking fandom LOVES to go into certain characters’ wrongdoings so why gloss over otto????

the only explanation i have for this is that from arcs 3-4 underestimating otto is. kind of the point of his character UNTIL you get to arc 5 and the clues in the main story start seeping in even more. and also the western audience DOES have media illiteracy a lot. theres that too. just look at rezero content on youtube or reddit or fanfic sites or other things of that sort T^T but no yeah i think ottos nature as a character exacerbates it. youre supposed to start asking questions about him. youre supposed to start connecting the dots and then SUDDENLY its now EXTREMELY obvious in arc 7-8 and even while theres so much chaos going on its basically shoved in your face. arc 7-8 is just delivering on all the leadup that was arcs 3-5.

and i think that youve gotta be media illiterate for sure to NOT get that otto is not squeaky clean and innocent BY ARC 8. i think that ottos the deconstruction of the loyal best friend trope, and also a mirror into what subaru couldve been like if he decided to be more ruthless instead of jumping right to forgiveness and saving everyone, except sometimes that flies right over the audience’s head wkdndnd. it confuses me bc ive seen some people completely miss the point or completely agree with otto and overlook the Bad Parts of it or, you know, STILL think ottos perfectly sane—like T^T please.

and yeah so back to what you said about otto Not being underestimated In Universe—its such an interesting detail bc hes ALWAYS been simultaneously pathetic and Very Competent wjdndnd. but yeah no all of his friends have seen various hints and clues and evidence of what hes capable of. like even though he hid the tome from them successfully and even though hes hiding info now its INEVITABLE that its gonna blow up in his face one day. like you got characters like garfiel who literally saw otto punch the wall and break his hand in an unhinged fit of rage, julius who got snapped at by otto and while julius is a Bit naive definitely knows somethings off there, anastasia whos smart as hell and definitely knows not to underestimate otto, and roswaal who, like you said anon, literally went out of his way to stop otto from breaking his hand in another unhinged fit of rage and warned otto that he will literally be destroying himself if he keeps going on like this. its this fascinating dichotomy bc otto is NOT fooling anyone around him but at the same time his current schemes are mostly unnoticed—for now—which yeah i havent seen that in a lot of media!!! its an interesting balancing act bc people around him realistically know hes competent after seeing the Proof of that for the past couple arcs, but otto is still finding ways to try and Win…

which—again, the anger and violence is an extension of arc 4 otto!! this is the same guy!! hes always been like this!! ottos kind of stayed the same, deep down, this whole time and as an audience its ONLY shoved in our face with a big gigantic spotlight on it FOUR ARCS LATER, but it was hinted to all this time. and like you said anon—we LITERALLY see ottos fucked up thought processes. literally what sane person thinks any of that shit. its spelled right out for the reader HAH T^T which—yeah. media illiteracy…. and also this whole ask was a longer way of just saying that otto is VERY easy to see at surface level if youre media illiterate. but at the same time it should be very easy to figure out otto is A Bit Fucked Up bc tappei underlines it in bright red print!!! i think people sometimes just hang onto soft awkward silly otto and forget about the rest T^T either that or they dont think he cares about subaru at all. which. that phenomenon of thinking characters that do care about subaru Dont Care is also interesting to me bc why????? we’re at arc 8 and you STILL dont get it??? o.ooooo

but yeah apart from that….. i said this earlier but yeah sometimes some people agree with ottos realism in arc 8 which is. understandable, but the whole point is that he is EXTREME. with it. hes Not in the right here, but the same crowd that wants wanton revenge in rezero is gonna agree with that kind of stuff T^T ottos been lurking in the background so much so that tappei made it meta by doing the whole “walking in darkness” part of his character, so i guess people just. dont see ottos ACTUAL worst traits and instead think he would ditch subaru at the first opportunity or something. but at the point we are now, arc 8 ottos problem isnt that hed ditch subaru. his problem is that he would sacrifice the world for subaru. his problem is that he gets extremely angry at subaru for trying to do good. his problem is that hes trying to micromanage everything around him and is willing to sacrifice anything necessary to get what he wants. but sometimes people dont get that bc otto doesnt look sound or seem like a character thatd do that. the Underestimation part of his character is doing too well on. certain audiences. please T^T the soft and awkward and silly parts ARE part of his character just like all the Darker parts are!!!

additionally im also wondering if western audience perception of otto is also clouded by the fact that otto looks and sounds more feminine / androgynous and he doesnt have the appeal of Overt Power either……. he cant Really be waifu-ified… and he cant be used as a weird self insert like subaru…. and you Have to look at him closer to understand him…. and for some reason people dont tend to hate on him so aggressively, if anything people cant even see his actual canonical flaws half the time wkdndn so if youre not paying attention otto CANT be aggressively hated on bc theres nothing there if ur not looking at it….. and if youre not paying attention otto seems more “boring” compared to the others…… (not that people arent allowed to not have otto as a favorite character bc thats totally fair but im talking about the tendency to think hes Saner than he actually is.) but yeah these are just my guesses. i have no clue the western fandom is a little T^T some people unfortunately cannot read.

anyway. big thank you to the japanese fanbase for understanding ottos character more and making so much wonderful fancontent for him T^T also i think that we as a collective fanbase should stop underestimating otto in general bc its exactly what he wouldnt want and i think itd be really hilarious. <3333 make him explode with rage please

[changbinsboobs]

so im curious now with what u know regularly abt skz how would u personally act if u met them? cause ik i already had the delulu stage way back when i was verrrry naive abt celebs in general. these days i can simply enjoy what they do and it dont always have to be more than that but its bonkers to me that cause of social media being more used by idols to "connect" with their younger audience both can be fooled by the other into assuming they might have a chance with the idol in question and vice versa. but i always seem to see so many extremes where its one extreme or another yet nearly every other kinda average idol is defo overworshipped almost to the point where their fans put a fricking halo above the idols head and call them innocent uwu angels.

im sure some actually are but i question my biases sometimes i think yh they got a bit of an ego even if they seem nice on camera or as nice as xyz idol is i bet they are hooking up with probably underage or same age desperate fans who also want to do the deed with such idol. and sometimes i think would i? noo i dont wanna be desperate at my age but i swear they know how to trap us and keep our attention but its so funny to me when these like 13/14/15 yo act so overposessive over some rando guy like chill out ur not going to get in his good books and tbh i wonder what the idols reallt think of their fans sometimes

i see this quite regularly especially with idols who maybe overuse their platforms for such interactions ie: felix, hyunjin defo get overworshipped and people absolutely lose their minds over him, i get it ive been there when i was their age however with social media its bit more concerning imho. they either get several very bad cringe worthy fancalls (we didnt have these back in le day, if we liked a group or band there was actually minimal ways to connect with them so stays and any other kpop stan is very lucky in that sense)

Thats an interesting question, but i can't really tell you how i'll really act or treat them cuz at the end of the day when something happens to you for real for real the reaction can be different than what i thought.

For the sake if the question tho - i don't think ill treat them any different other than my gaze lingering a bit longer on them and taking it all in. Ill probably have a big stupid smile on my face and look really obvious that i recognized them😂 I think id be really happy that i finally see them in person but i think they haven't been on a pedestal in my perception for a long long time. No one is now that i think of it...so yeah.

[bloomskullberry]

Ok you know what i just gotta write out my feelings on the new Miraculous movie. I have both good and bad things to say. I will be rewatching it cause i was pretty biased (we'll get to that) and maybe reposting this with my new thoughts afterwards cause this is a lot.

THUS: READ MORE AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION and understand that most of this is based on personal perception, preferences, and an element of nostalgia/frustration (ive been watching this show since season one, would not have made it this far if I didnt have FEELINGS about Miraculous). but take everything with a sprinkle of salt.

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT THE NEW MIRACULOUS MOVIE UNDER THE CUT

1. Pacing felt like the biggest issue. A lot of stuff was happening, and a lot of big moments were happening, but there was nothing inbetween that made them feel like they flowed into eachother, and a lot of the character/relationship "development" relied on the viewers previous knowledge of the show, even tho its pretty clear the movie was doing stuff very differently in terms of characters and relationships. Do i understand this is a 1hr 40min movie trying to encapsulate the slowburn romance and 5 seasons worth of content in a way that caters to the fans of said 5 seasons? Yes, its a huge ask for what is essentially 5 episodes (average 20 mins long). Especially with the amount of exposition the concept of Miraculous requires. Is it still disappointing, considering the movie left out information because of its audience and still rushed through important stuff to just get to the "juicy" moments? Yeah

2. Visuals were lovely, as was the music and specific moments. Honestly if the pacing wasnt such an issue and everything was developed more, the Ladybug and Ladynoir songs (maybe even the Hawkmoth one too) would be really enjoyable as a way to progress stuff and show development. Im also a sucker for dramatic visuals during musical numbers to help emphasize the feelings/emotions of the characters, and it really showcases the potential benefits the animation could add to the show as a medium

3. I actually really liked movie!Marinette (partly cause she wasnt a stalker and creep about her crush on Adrien) qnd because she had a much more sarcastic and bantering attitude, even outside of the costume, which made Ladybug an alter ego more than a complete other person (which is a slight issue ive had with the show). The scene of her growing into her civilian persona and becomign more confident actually made me really happy, especially her standing up to Chloe

4. Movie!Chat Noir kinda pissed me off ngl, and felt very disconnected from movie!Adrien (or at least how he was shown). People have said movie!Adrien is much more depressed/isolated and acts appropriately as to his home life (and dont get me wrong, i loved his scene where he stood up to Gabriel), but i think thats why his relationship with Ladybug and complete 180 as Chat Noir feels so off to me? Like his almost "meanness" with Ladybug at first from being super cocky and then doesnt even apologize for his treatment of her even after he falls for her just throws me off (tbf ive always been biased against the "cocky assholes falling for people who put them in their place" trope, so this might just be a me thing). Idk, it just doesnt sit right with me

4b. Anyone else notice Adrien didnt even get chosen for being kind? Plagg just appeared in his bedroom? Like Marinette almost got ran over from saving Master Fu and then Adrien is just like Yo A Cool Ring. Idk, its funny but that felt weird to me

5. The stupid freaking montage. Yall cannot even imagine how much I hate the montage. If they had replaced the montage with one scene and maybe cut down the magician and mime fight to add another scene in to focus on marinette + adrien friendship and then adrien personal life development or chat noir + ladybug bonding/respect for EACH OTHER i think it would have elevated the movie to new heights. The montage essentially was the movie pressing fast forward x3 on any development of characters. Its because of montages like these that make me appreciate filler or fun episodes in any show, because when you just stick a montage in then you feel like youre watching coworkers kiss when the movie is trying to convince you theyre starcrossed ride or die lovers. Made me feel like i watched the origins episode and then the season 5 finale with just the stormy weather 2 episode inbetween. Hate it.

6. Movie!Tikki has personality and movie!Plagg is a fart machine. I think its clear theres a favorite. Feels like it reflects the focus on Marinette and lack thereof on Adrien as a character present in both the show and the movie. Hardly a new observation, just food for thought.

7. ¿¿¿¿¿¿movie!Hawkmoth/Gabriel???? That basically sums up how I feel about him but to explain theres just very little done with him i feel. Plus it seems like all his Hawkmothing around actually takes a toll on his wellbeing, which is really cool and interesting, but it just comes out of nowhere afTER THE STUPID MONTAGE. Like id love to see the kind of degradation of his health, mental physical and emotional, as he works to revive Emilie, cause you cant tell me thay wouldnt make stuff a lot more interesting (i know he got catacylsmed but the show just treated it as an outfit change and checking his arm like a clock until the season finale, so it doesnt really count for me), but mans just shows up looking like a wreck and fights with Adrien

7b. Also i was pretty confused about how him breaking/rejecting his akuma at the end of the movie worked, and him just having all the powers ever while akumatized?? But that's just me being picky at a superhero show where magic animal jewelry exists

8. Movie!Chloe and movie!Sabrina felt more real in a way? Like Chloe was just stuck up and self centered, not actively making everyones life hell, and Sabrina didnt just blindly follow her along (i ADORED when she let Marinette escape and when she shrugged at her during the ball, you go girl you have that personality and self-consciousness the show never allowed you to have until the last moment), it was more a reluctant follower ignoring a friend's red flags ya know? Movie!Chloe wasnt the mayors daughter who had control over every adult in Paris and would literally become a dictator if elected. She was just freaking out at Marinette for "ruining" her sweater. Shes still a bully/mean kid, but shes dialed back, which i think makes her much better.

9. Alya and Nino were just kind of chilling, i dont have any feelings about their characters except how terrible Nino is at advice, and Alya was set up as a good friend throughout the movie, so i appreciate her supportiveness of Marinette. Tom and Sabine were set up to do more/be more important in the movie (I was so sure Tom was gonna be akumatized at the fair, but nope), but were kind of dropped halfway? Like Tom was set up as the overprotective and loving kinda helicopter father who would go all the way to the fair in disguise to watch over Marinette, and then he was just never mentioned again after Marinette felt embarrassed by him at said fair. Wasted opportunity and time for a movie with so much issue in pacing

10. I saw buggachat say this movie felt like an animated fanfiction of MLB and I have to say i completely agree. I dont mean that in a bad way, i love fanfiction with all my heart and you can clearly see that the movie and a lot of fanfiction fixes the issues many fans have with the show. But the thing is, this is a full movie, not a collection of one-shot specific scene rewrites. Thus, for it to be successful in "rewriting" or creating an alternate version of MLB, it has to include those in-between moments, not just the juicy identity reveal, or the "my heart belongs to another " moment, or even the "Gabriel actually cares about his son" moment. Is the movie good at those moments? Goodness yes. It definitely has its humor, its enjoyment that you can tell is a gift to the fans. But as a movie, a whole animated film, it disappoints.

10b. I mean for goodness sake they didnt even mention that Catacylsm was a thing until it was used, and Lucky Charm wasnt utilzed at all, just the fixing power (that might just be a genuine change they made so Ladybug wasnt too unbalanced with Chat Noir tho)

OK IM DONE, phew. Those are my major thoughts from the day after watching the movie, and im going to watch it again more carefully later. Ill not to be so personally biased and to just enjoy it. Who knows, maybe ill think differently afterwards.

Definitely gonna listen to the songs again, and definitely gonna burst out laughing at Careless Whisper tho

[stella-888]

WHY IS IV HYDRATION BETTER THAN DRINKING WATER WHEN YOU’RE HUNGOVER?

A hangover can make you feel like you’re in for a bumpy trip. If you drank too much last night, you’re likely dealing with some unpleasant sensations this morning. There is a wide range of severity in the effects of a hangover, from barely perceptible effects to severe pain. A bad hangover can cause many uncomfortable symptoms, including headaches, lethargy, disorientation, and mood swings. Take quick steps to speed up your hangover recovery time whenever you experience what seems to be a hangover assault.

It’s common for tried-and-true hangover remedies, such as consuming a lot of carbohydrates or water, to fall short of expectations. The IV hydration treatment is helpful in this situation. It is essential to recognize the signs and symptoms of a hangover before delving into how IV hydration therapy helps get rid of them.

What Causes Hangovers?

An apparent cause of a hangover is alcohol consumption. Yet alcoholic beverages aren’t always the culprit. Most hangover symptoms can be attributed to its diuretic or dehydrating effects. Congeners, and chemicals, have also been linked to more severe hangovers.

The effects of alcohol on the body are complex, and many of them contribute to the unpleasantness of a hangover the morning after.

Several examples of this are:

Alcohol is a diuretic. Therefore it increases the frequency of urination. This makes dehydration more likely both while drinking and afterward. One of the most common reasons for these symptoms, along with thirst, is dehydration.

Drinking alcohol irritates the stomach lining and makes it produce more acid. The rate at which food is absorbed and metabolized can be affected by how much alcohol you consume. Constipation, diarrhea, and nausea are some of the side effects you may experience.

Problem with electrolytes. The electrolyte levels in your body are affected by how much alcohol you drink. Headaches, irritability, and weakness could all be caused by an electrolyte imbalance.

Alcohol can cause adverse impacts on the immune system. There is evidence that alcohol use lowers immunological function. Hangover symptoms, including nausea, loss of appetite, and inability to focus, may be linked to the short-term suppression of the immune system that alcohol causes.

Lack of sugar in the blood (hypoglycemia). You can reduce your body’s glucose (sugar) production by drinking. Fatigue, dizziness, and irritability are all symptoms of low blood sugar.

Drinking causes a dilation of the blood vessels. Headaches have been linked to this effect, called vasodilation.

Issues falling asleep. However, while it’s true that booze can make you tired, it also gets in the way of getting a good night’s rest and can even lead you to wake up in the middle of the night. You’ll have a sleepier-than-usual day after that.

The severity of these symptoms also varies widely from person to person. At times, they might throw off your entire schedule.

Why Consider IV Hydration Treatment For Hangovers?

IV hydration therapy is a fantastic hangover remedy for several reasons. To begin, intravenous (IV) hydration therapy facilitates the direct intravenous administration of fluids, vitamins, and drugs. Only between 20%-50% of the fluids you consume orally may make it into your system. On the other hand, IV hydration therapy allows your body to absorb between 90 and 100% of the fluids. As these fluids are injected directly into the circulatory system, they avoid the digestive system altogether and go straight to the organs that need them.

With intravenous hydration therapy, you can get the nutrients your body needs in a highly concentrated form. Your treatment for a hangover may be the most efficient and least wasteful option available. The average time for an intravenous hydration treatment is between 15 minutes and 1 hour. 

[all-cursed]

Meet my first OC to have a specific fandom they’re attached to!

So I’ve never created an OC specifically for the universe of a show before, they’ve always been fandomless, but I was excited to create one for Wynonna Earp. I’m going to give him a proper page on the muse list as well as give everyone more detailed biographies eventually, but for now, this should work.

DISCLAIMER: to anyone who may have concerns, please know that I myself am Native American (Blackfoot and Cherokee), and did a lot of research while creating this character to make sure I do them justice and create an actual Native character that isn’t just a stereotype. Some parts that might seem stereotypical - such as the name this character chooses to go by - just comes with the modern era the universe is set in and the character’s own reasons. Several of the struggles he faces as well are specifically chosen because I hope to raise awareness in some small ways to the struggles that IPOC face even today. None of it is meant to be fetishising or stereotypical - some of it just exists in that space as an unfortunate reality.

Alright! Here we go.

                                                       [    i.    STATS   ]

NAME.  meecha wo’i  " crow "  redwolf .   

AGE.  23 as of 1x01 .

DOB.  nov 29th ,  1993 .

GENDER. gender-indifferent cis male  :   prefers he/him or they/them pronouns .

PREF. pansexual but has a preference for men and nonbinary individuals 

SPECIES.  human ,  witch  ,   skinwalker .

RESIDENCE.  the  ghost  river  triangle  .

OCCUPATION. former cashier ; former lead guitar in an up and coming rock band ; current bartender . 

ETHNICITY. in simple terms: native american. specifically: hopi and creek. some scottish but not by much. 

 [    ii.    INTROSPECTION    ]

POSITIVE TRAITS.   curious ,   adaptable ,  perceptive ,   creative ,   passionate ,   loyal ,   perseverant , open-minded , compassionate .

NEUTRAL TRAITS.  persuasive ,   withdrawn (at first; nervous about other’s intentions) ,   secretive , free-wheeling .

NEGATIVE TRAITS.  temperamental ,   unrestrained ,  spiteful ,   reckless ,   capricious ,   hedonistic .

DISLIKES.  sounds of traffic or loud machinery in general &  the sound of metal on metal &  the smell of cheap perfume/cologne &  hot weather &  dust  &  houseflies &  being told (instead of asked) what to do &  rap music &  wool scarves &  fluorescent lights &  lack of hygiene &  orange flavoured candies/sodas/anything that’s not an actual orange &  deep dark waters he can’t see the contents of &  mistreatment of animals &  having assumptions made about him  &  mathematics &  onions &  football  .

LIKES.  the scent and sound of rain &  physical touch &  candles , lighters , and controlled flames in general &  the smell of cedar , pine , and the forest &  music and playing musical instruments &  italian food &  raving about attractive people with others; intoxication is a bonus &  leather; wearing it and the smell of it &  glasses clinking together &  late night talks &  stargazing &  drawing / sketching &  records and record players &  animals &  'stealing’ and wearing the clothes of people he’s close with &  running &  card games &  dancing and singing & creating something out of nothing &  getting the last word .

HOBBIES. drawing &  singing and playing instruments &  exploring / learning as many places as they can like the back of their hand & people watching  &  drinking and bar hopping &  seeking pleasure and adventure wherever he can find it & collecting random things he enjoys / likes .

WEAKNESSES. he’s standoffish until he knows he can trust a person and can come off rude or aloof  & the inability to let go of most grudges &  his tendency to follow his desires and his heart before logic or his mind  &  impulsivity when emotional .

STRENGTHS. independence and ability to function and thrive alone (even if he would prefer to have company it is not mandatory) &  ability to be resourceful and adapt to new situations quickly &  handles time-sensitive situations well due to his tendency to act quick and think later &  stubbornness to stick to a task and see it through &  quick thinking &  agility and speed of inhuman proportions (thanks to his less than human side) .

HABITS. clicking his teeth together repeatedly when annoyed &  flexing  fingers & playing with his hair in absentminded / lazy moments &  silently staring at someone when he’s done with a conversation until they catch the hint and stop talking  &  if there’s music playing within earshot he always ends up swaying to the beat  &  will often make less than human sounds (growls, etc.) when angry if he doesn’t catch himself .

EDUCATION. average  student  throughout  elementary ,  middle &  high  school .  graduated with an equally average gpa of 3.0 , &  decided against college, choosing to seek education in less typical places .  fed up with his family and much of the treatment of his peers, he began to learn magic from a witch he met on one of his regular trips to wander the ghost river triangle and explore & learnt magic and about the more mystical parts of purgatory - ultimately becoming a skinwalker via the witch’s guidance and training .

[  iii. APPEARANCE  ]

FACECLAIM.  booboo stewart . 

HEIGHT.  5 ' 8 " ,  though when able to he wears combat boots that add a few inches to his height . 

EYES.  a very keen and observant hazel when he’s in human form .   when shifting , eye colour can range from yellow to red to green to blue depending on many factors - location , how far he shifts , etc .  always alert and bright unless intoxicated or in very rough shape emotion-wise . often wishes they were green or grey and has considered wearing contacts to change his eyes (human-wise) to those colours.

EYEBROWS.   defined  arch  but not so much so that it’s dramatic .  not too thin and not too bushy , and naturally neat - he rarely has to tend to them and usually only does so to shave a tiny slit or two through them as a stylistic choice .

HAIR.  long and dark ;  sleek with an ever so slight wave to it .  typically worn either down or in a loose ponytail , occasionally sections are braided .  falls just a few inches above his ribcage .  every so often he’ll dye streaks into his hair but has never dyed his whole head .

SCARS.  many . he has a variety of smaller scars from a rowdy childhood; a few faint ones on his hands and arms from scratches borne of cats and dogs . the typical scars that come from falling off bicycles or off swings ; scraped knees and cuts on chins . his forearms especially are covered in scars he prefers not to speak of .  there’s a scar on his forehead from a fight with his cousin as well as a few long scars on his back .

DRESSING STYLE.  it varies depending upon mood and whatever job he has at the time . especially fond of punk / alternative styles , likes leather , and enjoys the comfort of loose and flowing garments. whatever style he happens to choose at any given time , he wears well and somehow always manages to draw attention - whether from the jewelry he accessorises with (varieties of bracelets and cuffs , rings , pendants with gems , etc.)

LIPS.  naturally  full ,  scar at the right corner of his lip , occasionally  sore or split when he goes through anxious phases and tends to chew at his lips .

SKIN.   smooth , tanned . he doesn’t have much body hair , a fact that doesn’t tend to bother him much. he rarely engages in a skincare routine and much like his eyebrows generally stays neat and well-kempt without much effort . does not wear much makeup but enjoys eyeliner from time to time . if not for his skin tone, the dark circles beneath his eyes would be much more visible .

CHEEKS.  defined cheekbones ,   not easily flushed .  sports the occasional scars due to nervous picking when he was younger.

[  iv. ABILITIES  ]

LANGUAGES SPOKEN. english  [ fluent ] ,  hopi  [ conversational &  spellwork language ] , spanish  [ conversational ] .

THREAT LEVEL.  mediocre  to  high .

WEAPONS.  fairly efficient in his understanding of magic and can easily hold his own with either combative or defensive magic ,  but prefers when possible to rely on his own physical skills ; is proficient in hand to hand combat thanks to the speed , agility , and strength bequeathed upon him by his skinwalker nature . very skilled in knifeplay , whether throwing or up close . has little to no practise with firearms as of 1x01 . 

MAGIC. magic learnt by his mentor was primarily elemental based and neutral in that it could easily be manipulated for defensive or offensive ; he was never extremely proficient and left before he could complete his training so he is still learning his limits and the heights he can reach , and wants to branch out . as for the magical abilities granted by his status as skinwalker - he is able to shapeshift , which saps him of certain levels of energy that depend upon what creature he takes the shape of . he is also granted higher than average speed, agility, and strength because of this which he keeps with him even when not shifting.

 [  v. DETAILS  ]

➣➣ he was born in georgia originally to a loving but struggling mother and father - his mother was hopi and his father was creek, and while both parents had originally lived on their own respective reservations, they had met one another by chance during a trip and fallen in love, eventually deciding to seek out their own home outside of the reservations. his parents loved him but struggled financially; eventually his mother’s sister offered to take him in. as that was the better option rather than the three of them becoming homeless, crow’s parents sent him to live with his aunt in arizona on the rez. while they stayed in touch, his parents needed to stay in georgia, and as such he only would see them on the occasional holiday.

➣➣ while his aunt meant well, his cousins were another story. living with his aunt and uncle would have been fine had it not been for their two children; a son and daughter who constantly bullied him behind their backs for not being pure hopi as they were, often harassing him about being a ‘halfbreed’. a quiet boy at heart to boot, he faced bullying in school as well all the way through high school. his cousins, in tenth grade, snooped in his room and found his journal - which they used to out him as pansexual to the school.

➣➣ the moment he graduated, he spent as much time off the rez as possible, avoiding his cousins. on one of his frequent trips to simply explore nearby cities and towns, he found himself in purgatory. one drunken night led to following a mysterious woman into the woods. as it turned out, she was a witch. intrigued and excited at the idea of learning magic and having a way to defend himself, he quickly took her up on her offer to teach him. after a few months, she let him in on her secret - she was a skinwalker.

➣➣ she talked up how powerful she was because of it, and how no one would ever hurt her again. the more he heard about it, the more he wanted it. still unhealed from the way he was treated growing up and too caught up in the concept of never having to be beneath someone ever again, he agreed to let her hold the ceremony that would make him one as well without thinking of the consequences. when she told him that the final task he needed was to kill a family member... he almost faltered but agreed and went back to the rez. 

➣➣ he almost didn’t do it. it was night when he returned, and he could see his male cousin drinking on the porch. the concept of killing someone - even someone like his cousin who had treated him so poorly - was daunting. he might have changed his mind had his cousin not seen him arriving and was immediately being malicious; using homophobic slurs and accusing crow of having run off with a lover, talking about how disgraceful it was. and it all was a blur from there.

➣➣ bringing back a lock of his cousin’s hair to the witch, she finished the rituals and he became the creature she had promised - powerful but at what cost? still wrought with guilt despite having made the ultimate choice, crow left the forests on the outskirts of purgatory where he had been training and into the ghost river triangle itself, unable to go home after what he did and unable to stomach facing the witch. living out of his truck, he went from odd job to odd job, eventually landing a stable job as a cashier at a grocery store. around this time he chose to begin going by the name crow - both to distance himself from his past, and because if someone were to want to control or destroy him now as a skinwalker, they could do so if they knew his true, personal name. as such, a nickname seemed the safest bet. 

➣➣ fastforward to present day (1x01). after a few years of cashiering and attempting to rent rooms and apartments without success, as well as a stint playing guitar for an up and coming rock band, crow landed a job as a bartender at one of the local bars and instead of attempting to rent rooms or apartments, ended up moving into the trailer park. it was sketchy to say the least, but he couldn’t afford anything fancy and clearly didn’t handle having roommates well. a trailer seemed like the next best thing, outside of living in the woods or in his truck. his tendency to mind his own business and expect that of others meant that he mingled with normal purgatory residents and the revenants equally, pursuing his hedonistic nature as he pleased. which was all well and good, until things began to get... a lot more chaotic due to a curse and an heir he had originally had no knowledge of. 

               [ MORE TO COME THROUGHOUT                                               CHARACTERIZATION DEVELOPMENT ]

[pendingproductivity]

2020 READING RECAP!

This year sucked ass in so many ways, but it might be the best year of reading I’ve ever had. I discovered so many new favorites, revisited some old favorites, and even read a few books multiple times. In this post, I’ve listed my top five favorite books from this year in the order that I read them because I don’t think I could possibly rank them against each other. They have all become some of my favorite books of all time. I’ve also included a few honorable mentions which are ranked with my favorite listed first. And lastly, I have two notable rereads of some old favorites. I also added links to each book on goodreads and bookshop so you can easily add anything to your tbr or buy it! This is going to be a long one, so buckle up. Without further ado, here is an overview of the books I read in 2020!

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s t a t s :

reading goal: 30

total books read: 31

new (to me) books read: 22

average rating: 4.2/5 stars

.

t o p   f i v e   f a v o r i t e s : 

Beartown and Us Against You by Fredrik Backman

(Yes, I know I’m kind of cheating by counting this as one book but just roll with me here) Beartown takes place in a tiny community in rural Sweden which is defined by their hockey club. When the junior hockey team has a chance at winning the national championships, the entire town throws their full support behind them. The burden of the pride of their community rests on the shoulders of a handful of teenage boys. For one, the pressure boils over and he commits an act of violence that leaves a young girl traumatized, and the entire community divided. 

Late one evening toward the end of March, a teenager picked up a double-barreled shotgun, walked into the forest, put the gun to someone else's forehead, and pulled the trigger.

This is the story of how we got there.

These two books were downright spectacular. Over the course of this year, I’ve completely fallen in love with Backman’s writing style (we love a good onomatopoeia) but more than anything else I just adore his characters. Each one is multidimensional, and even the most infuriating residents of Beartown have their redeeming qualities. I also love the attention he gives to even the side characters whose motivations shape the story even if they only appear for a few scenes. These are stories about right and wrong, courage and fear, and most of all, humanity itself. I laughed and cried and felt more emotions than I thought was possible. Beartown was amazing, but I actually thought that the sequel, Us Against You, somehow surpassed it, so make sure to read both!! (TW: rape/sexual assault)

goodreads - bookshop (Beartown)   goodreads - bookshop (UAY) 

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When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

Paul Kalanithi was thirty-six years old and on the verge of completing a decade’s worth of training to become a neurosurgeon when he was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. His memoir, When Breath Becomes Air, follows his journey from being a naïve medical student, to a brilliant neurosurgeon at Stanford, to being a cancer patient and a new father confronting his own mortality.  

I began to realize that coming in such close contact with my own mortality had changed both nothing and everything. Before my cancer was diagnosed, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. After the diagnosis, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. But now I knew it acutely. The problem wasn’t really a scientific one. The fact of death is unsettling. Yet there is no other way to live.

This memoir caught me completely by surprise. It was assigned reading for an English class and I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it let alone completely reevaluate my perception of the world around me because of it. Kalanithi discusses learning, medicine, life, and death as he seeks to answer the age-old question, “What makes life worth living?” and the unique perspectives that he offered fascinated me. When Breath Becomes Air is an unfinished manuscript, since Kalanithi died in 2015, but the epilogue written by his wife might just be the best part of the whole book. To tell you that I was sobbing while reading it would be an understatement. The reason why this book made this list is because I finished it in March, but I still think about it relatively often. When Breath Becomes Air has left a lasting impact on my life, and I highly recommend it!

goodreads - bookshop

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The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Evelyn Hugo was a Hollywood legend, but after her sudden departure from show business in the late 80s, she completely fell out of the public gaze. Now she is finally ready to tell the true story about her scandalous and glamorous life and she has specifically chosen Monique Grant, a virtually unknown magazine reporter, for the job. For Monique this exclusive is the opportunity of a lifetime. Evelyn tells her story of ambition, friendship, love, and of course each of her seven husbands. However, it becomes evident that Evelyn’s life has intersected with Monique’s own in tragic and irreversible ways.

It’s always been fascinating to me how things can be simultaneously true and false, how people can be good and bad all in one, how someone can love you in a way that is beautifully selfless while serving themselves ruthlessly.

This. Book. It was absolutely captivating. I’m honestly not even sure what to say here without giving too much away. The plot is truly a wild ride as Evelyn leads Monique through the story of her life. There are so many twists and turns: some that I saw coming and others that completely blindsided me. And that not even to mention Evelyn Hugo herself who is one of the strongest, smartest, most compassionate and deeply flawed characters I’ve ever read about. All the characters were complex and layered, but she was really something else. There were so so many emotions and so many tears and I really don’t know what else to say. I’m begging you to read this book; it will blow your mind.

goodreads - bookshop

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A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman

Ove is a curmudgeon whose life is turned upside down when a young, vivacious family moves in next door. That’s it. That’s the synopsis.

Death is a strange thing. People live their whole lives as if it does not exist, and yet it's often one of the great motivations for living. Some of us, in time, become so conscious of it that we live harder, more obstinately, with more fury. Some need its constant presence to even be aware of its antithesis. Others become so preoccupied with it that they go into the waiting room long before it has announced its arrival. We fear it, yet most of us fear more than anything that it may take someone other than ourselves. For the greatest fear of death is always that it will pass us by. And leave us there alone.

You’ve seen the Pixar movie: grumpy old man meets young person who shows him life is worth living and they become buds etc. etc. Sure, you could essentially boil down A Man Called Ove to that simple plotline but it is so much more than that. It’s heartbreaking and hopeful and you’ll laugh and cry while reading it. This was the most wholesome story I had read in a long time, and I thoroughly enjoyed every last bit of it. I’ve already explained my love of Backman’s unique writing style, but this novel in particular does a beautiful job of tackling deep themes such as grief and purpose with a generous serving of humor. I also just adored the ending. While this book isn’t at all fluffy or entirely lighthearted, it gave me all of he warm fuzzy feelings I was craving. I cannot possibly recommend it enough!

goodreads - bookshop

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Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen 

Elizabeth Bennet and her four sisters must find wealthy husbands because upon their father’s death, the entirety of his estate will be passed on to a male cousin, leaving them penniless. Conveniently, a wealthy gentleman called Mr. Bingley moves into the neighborhood, bringing along his even wealthier although most unpleasant friend, Mr. Darcy. 

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.

I definitely didn’t think that I was going to enjoy this book nearly as much as I did. The story truly is timeless, and I absolutely adored Elizabeth and Darcy. The biggest surprise I had while reading is that the humor is still funny today and of course Lizzy is fucking hilarious. She is confident, principled, and more than happy to roast the shit out of anyone who deserves it. And then there’s the matter of Mr. Darcy being so sweet and kind (after he stops being an asshole of course) and greatly contributing to the unattainable standards I have for men. It was also nice to have a socially awkward male lead, and in many ways I related more to him than to Lizzy. This book is everything I want from a romance novel plus class criticism and feminism and Elizabeth being an absolute badass. Enemies to lovers is my all time favorite romance trope and I loved reading one of the OGs. Also, I’d just like to add that Mary is the most underappreciated character of the whole novel because she’s really just trying her best. Mostly I was just completely impressed with how this novel has withstood the test of time and it has become one of my favorite classics! Please please give this book a chance even if you don’t typically enjoy classic novels!!

goodreads - bookshop - barnes&noble (this is the edition I have and it’s just so gorgeous I had to include it!)

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h o n o r a b l e   m e n t i o n s :

The Martian by Andy Weir

Mark Watney is one of the first people to ever walk on Mars, and now it seems like he’ll be the fist person to die there. A raging dust storm forced his crew to evacuate without him and he finds himself alone on the red planet with the entire world believing him to be dead. This book just barely missed being one of my top five of the year, but it was absolutely amazing. I love reading about people finding clever solutions to problems and that is basically what this entire story is. I maybe understood half of the technical science jargon if I’m being generous, but the story is plenty enjoyable even without extensive scientific knowledge. I adore Mark’s wit and mindset, and I loved watching him wriggle his way out of impossible situations with the odds completely stacked against him. The Martian is a story of perseverance and humanity, but it’s also absolutely hilarious. I highly recommend this one if you haven’t picked it up!!

goodreads - bookshop

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Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

Shaker-Heights appears to be the perfect place to raise a family. It’s progressive, has low crime rates and is all around an idyllic bubble. This all begins to change when a single mother and her daughter move into town with a disregard for the status quo, and a custody battle erupts, dividing the community. This was a great book that ended up being surprisingly thought provoking, and I particularly enjoyed the novel’s criticism of liberal idealism. The story itself was entertaining and I think it’s definitely worth a read! 

goodreads - bookshop

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Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

Alex Claremont-Diaz is the first son of the United States who finds himself intertwined in a damage control PR stunt with his sworn nemesis, Prince Henry. They have to pretend to be best friends to ensure that their confrontation at the royal wedding doesn’t get in the way of American/British relations. I’m sure you can guess where this is going. This is totally a feel-good love story, but it also finds the time to tackle real issues surrounding politics and societal expectations. I loved this book so much that I read it twice this year (the second time because I was so stressed about the election and I needed to distract myself with the fictional 2020 election that takes place in the novel) and also I’m just a sucker for enemies to lovers. (sidenote: the turkey catastrophe is one of the greatest scenes in literary history and you cannot convince me otherwise) 100% would recommend!

goodreads - bookshop

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n o t a b l e   r e r e a d s :

The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

The Jim Dale audiobooks are my ultimate self-care tool when I’m stressed or sad; I just find them to be so comforting and I can’t explain why. Because of this I probably listen to at least one of the books every year, but it’s usually just whichever one I happen to be in the mood for. But it’s been so long since I’ve listened through the entire series, and this year seemed to be the perfect time to do so! 

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Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

This used to be my favorite book of all time. I’m pretty sure I first read it in sixth or seventh grade and I’ve reread it so many times since. I’ve been planning on rereading this book my first year of university for such a long time, and the time finally came! The book especially hit hard this semester because Cath feels disconnected from everyone at school because she doesn’t want to go to parties or make much of an effort to find friends, and because of COVID, I ended up in almost the exact same situation, (except unfortunately my roommate doesn’t have a cute ex-boyfriend who hangs out in our room). This was definitely another comfort read like the HP audiobooks and it made me feel a bit better about being stuck in my dorm room. 

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If you actually made it to the end of all that, wow, you’re a real one. I hope you got a few new book recs out of this! If you want to see the thirteen other books I read this year, you can check out my 2020 reading challenge. I read so many amazing books this year I had  hard time narrowing down my favorites, so there are still plenty more great reads that aren’t included in this post. If for some reason you feel like keeping up with the books I read in 2021, follow my goodreads account for dramatic and ranty book reviews. Happy New Year, and here’s to 2021 being full of wonderful books!

[magicmushrooms123-blog1]

What Importance Points you have  to Know About Magic Mushroom Use

Magic mushrooms are wild or cultivated mushrooms that contain psilocybin, a naturally-occurring psychoactive and hallucinogenic compound. Psilocybin is considered one of the most well-known psychedelics, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administrations.1

Psilocybin is classified as a Schedule I drug, meaning that it has a high potential for misuse and has no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States.

Although certain cultures have known to use some mushrooms' > hallucinogenic properties. for centuries, psilocybin was first isolated in 1958 by Dr. Albert Hofmann, who also discovered lysergic acid diethylamide .

Magic mushrooms are often prepared by drying and are eaten by being mixed into food or drinks, although some people eat freshly picked magic mushrooms.

Also Known As: Magic mushrooms are also known as shrooms, mushies, blue meanies, golden tops, liberty caps, philosopher's stones, liberties, amani, and agaric.

Drug Class: Psilocybin is classified as a hallucinogen.

Common Side Effects: Magic mushrooms are known to cause nausea, yawning, feeling relaxed or tired, subjective experience, nervousness, paranoia, panic, hallucinations, and psychosis.

How to Recognize Shrooms.

Mushrooms containing psilocybin look liked dried ordinary mushrooms with long, slender stems that are whitish-gray and dark brown caps with light brown or white in the center. Dried mushrooms are rusty brown with isolated areas of off-white.

Magic mushrooms can be eaten, mixed with food, or brewed like tea for drinking. They can also be combined with cannabis or tobacco and smoked. Liquid psilocybin is also available, which is the naturally occurring psychedelic drug found in liberty caps. The liquid is clear brown and comes in a small vial. If you want to    Buy Magic Mushrooms USA. We have the best selection of mushrooms known for strength and effects with quick worldwide guaranteed delivery.

What Do Magic Mushrooms Do?

Magic mushrooms are hallucinogenic drugs, meaning they can cause you to see, hear, and feel sensations that seem real but are not. The effects of magic mushrooms, however, are highly variable and believed to be influenced by environmental factors.2

Shrooms have a long history of being associated with spiritual experiences and self-discovery. Many believe that naturally occurring drugs like magic mushrooms, weed.d, and mesca . are sacred herbs that enable people to attain superior mental states. Others take magic mushrooms to experience a sense of euphoria, connection, and a distorted sense of time.

The psilocybin found in shrooms is converted to psilocin in the body and is believed to influence serotonin levels in the brain, leading to altered and unusual perceptions. The effects take 20 to 40 minutes to begin and can last up to 6 hours—the same amount of time it takes for psilocin to be metabolized and excreted.3

A number of factors influence the effects of magic mushrooms, including dosage, age, weight, personality, emotional state, environment, and history of mental illness.

What the Experts Say?

While magic mushrooms are often sought out for a peaceful high, shrooms have been reported to induce anxiety, frightening hallucinations, paranoia, and confusion in some.4 In fact, most hospital admissions related to the use of magic mushrooms are connected to colloquially known as a "bad trip."

Off-Label or Recently Approved Uses

Magic mushrooms have been used for thousands of years for both spiritual and medicinal uses among indigenous people of America and Europe.

In 2018, researchers from John Hopkins University recommended reclassification of the drug from Schedule I to Schedule IV in order to allow for medical use. Studies suggest that psilocybin can be used to treat cancer-related psychiatric distress, depression, anxiety, nicotine addiction, and substance use disorders.3

In 2019, Denver became the first city to decriminalize mushrooms. Oakland became the second city less than a month later. This does not mean that shrooms are legal but that the city is not permitted to "spend resources to impose criminal penalties" on people in possession of the drug.

Common Side Effects

All hallucinogens carry the risk of triggering mental and emotional problems and causing accidents while under the influence. Among adolescents, magic mushrooms are frequently taken in combination with alcohol and other drugs, increasing the psychological and physical risks.

The amount of psilocybin and psilocin contained in any given magic mushroom is unknown, and mushrooms vary significantly in the amounts of psychoactive contents. This means it's tough to tell the length, intensity, and type of "trip" someone will experience.

Consuming shrooms can result in a mild trip causing the user to feel relaxed or drowsy to a frightening experience, marked by hallucinationsLinks to an external site., delusionsLinks to an external site., and panic. In the worst-case scenario, magic mushrooms have even been known to cause convulsions.5

Side effects of magic mushrooms can include both physical and mental effects.

Physical effects:

Dilated pupils

Drowsiness

Headaches

Increased heart rate, blood pressure, and temperature

Lack of coordination

Muscle weakness

Nausea

Yawning

Mental effects:

Distorted sense of time, place, and reality

Euphoria

Hallucinations (visual or auditory)

Having introspective (spiritual) experiences

Panic reactions

Paranoia

Psychosis

Nervousness

More research is needed on the long-term, lasting side effects of magic mushrooms. Still, it has been reported that users can experience long-lasting changes in personality and flashbacksLinks to an external site. long after taking mushrooms.

Since magic mushrooms look similar to poisonous mushrooms, poisoning is yet another potential risk of taking these drugs. Mushroom poisoning can cause severe illness, organ damage, and even death.

It's also common for magic mushroom products to be contaminated. A study of 886 samples alleged to be psilocybin mushrooms analyzed by Pharm Chem Street Drug Laboratory showed that only 252 (28%) were hallucinogenic, while 275 (31%) were regular store-bought mushrooms laced with LSD or phencyclidine (PCP), and 328 (37%) contained no drug at all.6

Signs of Use

If your loved one is using shrooms, they may be nauseous or appear nervous or paranoid. In the case of drug use, it's always important to pay attention to any changes in sleeping and to eating patterns as well as shifts in mood and personality and social activities.

Myths & Common Questions.

There are many myths about magic mushrooms. Some people believe, for example, that magic mushrooms are "safer" and produce a "milder" trip than other hallucinogenics.

In fact, in addition to their potential to poison anyone who takes them, magic mushrooms are just as unpredictable in their effects as other drugs. Some people have reported much more intense and frightening hallucinations on magic mushrooms than on LSD.

Many people also confuse fly agaric mushrooms with psilocybin-containing mushrooms—but they are not the same. Fly agaric mushrooms contain the psychoactive chemicals ibotenic acid and muscimol, which are known to cause twitching, drooling, sweating, dizziness, vomiting, and delirium.7

Tolerance, Dependence, and Withdrawal

Like most drugs, the more you use magic mushrooms, the more tolerance you develop. Tolerance also develops quickly with regular use. This means that you need more of the drug to achieve the same effect.

Developing a tolerance can be especially risky with shrooms because consuming a large amount can result in overdose symptoms, which, while not fatal, can include agitation, vomiting, diarrhea, muscle weakness, panic or paranoia, psychosis, and seizures.

How Long Does Psilocybin Stay in Your System?

The short-term effects of magic mushrooms typically wear off in 6 to 12 hours.3, But users can experience long-term changes in personality and flashbacks long after taking the drugs.

The average half-life of psilocybin ranges from an hour to two, and it generally takes five to six half-lives for a substance to be eliminated from your system.

The regular urine drug screening for employment does not test for psilocybin, but there are specific tests that can be ordered to check for the powerful hallucinogen. Like many other drugs, magic mushrooms can be found in hair follicles for up to 90 days.8

Addiction

Psilocybin is not addictive and does not lead to compulsive use. This is partly because the drug can cause an intense “trip.” Plus, people can build a tolerance to psilocybin reasonably quickly, making it hard to have any effect after several days of repeated use.5

Withdrawal

While users rarely report physical symptoms of withdrawal when they stop using the drug, some experience psychological effects, including depression.

How to Get Help

If you suspect your teen is experimenting or regularly using magic mushrooms, consider having a firm yet loving conversation with them about the risks of psychedelics, especially when combined with alcohol or other drugs. At this time, it’s also important to emphasize that you are there to help and support them.

[finfleet-blog]

all about finley fleetwood

an intro to my darling boy, finley (fin, if you know him like that)! below, you’ll find everything you need to know about fin - at least, for now.

(also, hi, i’m june [she/her - est - 18] and i’m the one responsible for him)

the basics. 

full name: Finley Fleetwood

pronouns/gender identity: he/him; cis male

birth date: march 19, 1960

blood status: halfblood

3 key positive traits: reliable; optimistic; perceptive

3 key negative traits: overly idealistic; naive; impatient

academics.

primary wizarding school & graduation year: puddlemere institute of magic for boys, class of ‘78

degree & cohort: social sciences degree with a magical languages and world culture cohort (likely to change eventually; he doesn’t really care about this degree)

house & year: 1st year Hufflepuff

extracurriculars: Hufflepuff chaser hopeful

headcanons & more.

I. Finley Fleetwood Isn’t All He Thought (But, To Be Fair, He Thought He Was A Lot)

Finley Fleetwood had always, even when he was dreaming of his Hoggy Warty future back in Puddlemere,  liked the idea of being a Gryffindor. After all, his parents had been, and their parents before them had too, so it seemed natural. His parents, in their own quiet way, seemed sure it was where he’d end up. All the boy’d ever done, after all, was play quidditch, day in and day out. He was bright enough, but never concerned with books; he was gentle enough, but that seemed a minor aspect of his personality, and he was as far from cunning as they came. 

His father had been a bit more obvious than his mother about his thoughts on the whole matter. The day before his departure, as Finley was packing his things, his father had came up, clapped him on the shoulder and said, 

“Well, lad, what’ll it be? You feeling alright about your Sorting?”

“Yeah,” Fin replied, grinning. Like his father, his face always betrayed his disposition, even when he didn’t mean for it to. “I’ll be Gryffindor, no doubt. Watch, Dad, I’ll be captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team before you even start to miss me!”

His dad exhaled, looking  fondly at his son. They’d made perhaps one mistake in raising him, and that had been a complete failure to explain to Finley that some things simply couldn’t be done. Even at eighteen, he’d never really come to grips with the fact that he was not so infinite in his possibilities as he’d been told.  “That’s my boy,” he said, “Now, do you really need to pack all those sweaters?”

Finley had been quite confident then, but now, knowing his name was swiftly approaching, he felt a solid mass of nerves settling down into his chest. When had he ever been brave? He’d never needed to be brave, so it wasn’t like he had a chance to find out. What if he was put in Slytherin? Certainly that was impossible, he- 

“Finley Fleetwood!!”

Oh, for the love of Merlin. This was it. He walked forward, clutching the sides of his robe to keep his hands from shaking. He sat, and as the hat lowered onto his head, he held his breath. 

“HUFFLEPUFF!!” 

Well, it could’ve been worse. 

II. Finley Fleetwood Has a Ferret (And Isn’t In Touch With Reality)

Finley’s first  year at Puddlemere was arguably the best of his life. To be fair, he’d had a lot of good years, but this was something completely new. He wasn’t living with his parents anymore, and could do anything he wanted. He didn’t want to do a lot, to his parents’ relief. Mostly, he stayed up a tad later than he would at home and he ate a bit more sugar than they would prefer. Even in what should’ve been his independence from them, Finley remained attached to his parents in primary school, sending them weekly letters to let them know how things were going. He never really branched out, and his friends were more just quidditch buddies than anything else, but still, he loved it. 

For his birthday that year, Finley got a ferret. A real, live ferret, with eyes that were nothing short of soulful and that smelled so horrid it became her namesake. Smelly was, for a short time, his world entire. He charmed her to mask the smell (he didn’t mind, but he got the feeling his dormmates would), and trained her as well as one can train a ferret. She understood him, even when nobody else did, and when he woke up early in the morning to train she was there to motivate him. She’s on her last few years, now, but Finley refuses to accept this and is actively looking for a way to return her youth.

III. Finley Fleetwood Might Have Control Issues (But We Don’t Talk About Those)

Growing up with parents like Fin’s gave way to a largely happy and functioning child, but it left him with several qualities that are less than ideal. An only child, he’s not exactly the best at putting up with people putting their mess into his otherwise pristine space. That is, to say, he’s a nightmare dormmate. Everything needs to be just so, every piece of clothing needs to be tucked neatly away, and all lights need to be off by midnight. He extends the same sort of compulsive control to himself: in the absence of his parents, somebody has to keep his bubble upheld. He wakes at the same time each morning, sleeps at the same time each night, and doesn’t like his schedule interrupted.

IV. Finley Fleetwood Is Going To Be The World’s Best Chaser (Or So He Tells Himself)

One byproduct of Fin’s bright outlook is a complete and total confidence that, if he applies himself, he will be the best chaser there ever was. Puddlemore was the place for him - it let him focus most of his energy on what mattered, so that one day he could rise to the absolute pinnacle of Quidditch stardom. He doesn’t think he’s good, he knows he’s good, because he has to be. It’s all he knows he can do. His degree and cohort were chosen entirely on a whim, because he was overwhelmed, and instead of leaving himself uncertain he opted for studies he didn’t care for so he’d have a backup plan, but realistically he can’t see himself doing anything other than quidditch. He’s shooting for the Hufflepuff team captain eventually, and hopes to one day play for Puddlemere United. Is he really all that good? No - he’s a bit above average purely because it’s where he spends all his energy, but he’s certainly not exemplary. Don’t tell him I said that, he doesn’t know yet.

Wand: Ash with Unicorn Hair core, 12 ¾”, solid flexibility

Boggart: The corpses of his parents and Smelly, rotting and crawling with maggots

Patronus: a Furcifer Chameleon

Moral alignment: Chaotic good

MBTI: ENFJ

Aesthetic: Sunrises in the spring; the first hug with a friend you haven’t seen in ages; a knowing smile when someone opens a gift they’ll love; getting excited over cool socks; having no sense of style past cool socks; listening to Christmas music in October

Plotting/connection Ideas:

Finley is soooo naive. He’s been sheltered his whole life and doesn’t know how to react to conflict because he’s never really had to before. Coming into Hogwarts, though, I feel like his worldview is going to open up in a lot of ways he won’t like and he’s gonna handle it poorly. Like, really poorly.

What I’m saying here is break his heart. Don’t be his friend. Let all his smiley good feelings sink into anger and self doubt. 

That being said, connection ideas:

-A quidditch friend! I know I just said not to be his friend, but that smile has to get through to somebody. He works really hard for quidditch, which, depending on the teammate, could either be endearing or annoying (maybe somewhere in between). Which leads me to…

-A quidditch rival: this person is unnervingly good, and Fin is vaguely terrified of this fact. This can be requited or unrequited (also, maybe enemies to friends or enemies to friends to more than friends possible?), but either way, Finley can’t stand the idea that he might not be the best quidditch player in history. 

-A non-quidditch friend: When he takes a break from trying to set his dreams into action, Fin does need someone that doesn’t even remotely care for quidditch. 

-Someone to completely shatter his reality: Wake! Him! Up! Fin is so reliant on his routine that he doesn’t know how to function without it. This can be a positive relationship or a negative one (tbd).

-An absolute enemy: Give him someone to despise, he needs it! Maybe they’re a blood purist and torment him on his blood status, maybe they’re an unbearably messy roommate, maybe they keep stealing the last of the blueberry scones in the morning before he can get to them, who knows!

[ltweekl-blog]

Theres so much free porn

Theres so much free porn that I feel webcamming is more of a personal one-on-one. You can go online and find any ol stuff, but webcamming is more personal; its tailored exactly to what you want and what youre looking for. Youre not sharing it with 100 thousand other people. This is your show. Most of the time you build up a relationship, I talk to you as a friend and I respect you as a person. How has your day been, what did you get from the shops, what are you cooking for dinner… its like an online relationship. The important thing is to keep a paying client online for as many minutes as possible.The webcam industry also does its best to entice young women into the business.Working an eight-hour day, she earns close to 4,000 euros (£3,600) per month - nearly 10 times the Romanian average wage. As Lana's employer, Studio 20 also makes 4,000 euros per month from her online sessions. And at the top of the video chat money-making pyramid, LiveJasmin - the online cam site that streams Studio 20's content and is responsible for collecting payment from the credit cards of clients - takes double that: 8,000 euros.

Eventually they came. My chat room began to fill up and I started talking to a few guys in the group chat. I only typed at first: At the time I lived in a sharehouse with only guys my age and really wasn’t interested in them finding out about my moonlit habits.When the clothes do come off, it can be damn lucrative: Domino estimates she hauls in around $US300 on a good day — although a bad day is zero dollars, and hours wasted. But it's enough for her to be completely self-sufficient, albeit weary of the whole thing sometimes. More concerning though are the handful of "true creeps" she runs into — the gents who aren't just pervs, but sexual threats. That's never OK, but the rest of the time, occasional criminals aside, the job sounds downright leisurely.It also gives Domino a chance to indulge in her geeky professionalism: "I like being able to network with people who aren't my strip club customers, [and] it's a way for me to see how good I am at SEO and social media. This is fun for her. Domino says she's "always been a very sexual person," so while camming is tiring, of course, on-camera kink isn't onerous, if you can put the monotony aside.To this end, Studio 20 employs trainers, a psychologist and an English teacher. Most of the clients are North American and European, so it is essential the models can communicate with them.

"I was alone in the room, and it felt like there were hundreds of people around me. And I couldn't keep up with what they were all saying, and what they were asking of me. It was quite shocking. But then I learned to be perceptive about which member was a potential paying customer and not to waste time with all of them in the free online space.Sometimes self-­regulation regarding finances is the best option for some people: Ive been treated better and more fairly as a Cam Girl and nude model than I was in my last retail job where I, no word of a lie, got fired for looking sad. Yet despite how much control one can have over their career as a Cam Girl there are certainly discrepancies within the industry, including safety issues and issues of future employability, as well as what is considered a fair payment and no guarantee on a basic minimum wage for hours put in. It leaves a lot up to chance.So as I sat there, in front of my laptop, I thought to myself, Why didnt I just respond the way that I normally do when somebody proclaims something which I dont agree with? Why didnt I just say, firmly but reasonably, you are wrong and these are the reasons why… Perhaps it was because it was so personal, that I felt like for once, I wasnt defending femininity as a whole, but just myself. Which on the surface would seem like a less daunting task, but for me it left me stumped. I knew that I was a feminist and it wasnt often that I had to justify myself to anybody. I was used to breaking down all the reasons that men used to justify their behavior.A little research at mega-message boards like Stripper Web is fruitful — you'll pick up "Best Way to Recieve Money from Guys" muse in "Are you always beautious on cam?" And, of course, share war stories. One user started a thread spilling the most obnoxious, bigoted lines she'd recently been fed by "customers". CONTINUED BELOW...

[nhpsycho]

✔ oc ┊❝ ( Toby Wallace. he/him &. cismale ) rumor around town is that Campbell Eliot was on one of the buses that left for the field trip. they’re the eighteen year old that resides in new ham. over the summer news spread that they're a psychopath, but who knows if that’s true or not? what we do know is that their friends describe them as charismatic and perceptive, but who knows when they’re known to be aggressive and controlling from time to time.

Hey everyone! Meet my nasty boi Campbell. He’s an Asshole™ and the exact opposite of my sunshine child, Jay. So it’s gonna be a wild ride. If you wanna plot or whatnot just hmu here or on discord!

                                    ♔ ĆΔΜƤβ€ŁŁ €ŁƗØŦ ♔

Ɨ ƤƗŦ¥ ŦĦØŞ€ ŴĦØ Ň€V€Ř ŁØŞŦ ŦĦ€ƗŘ ΜƗŇĐS

Campbell is incredibly charismatic, and can change how he acts on a dime. He’s a social chameleon, and has keen awareness and perception over how he and others act and react. Perhaps the only way people ever really knew something wasn’t right with him was because they got a gut feeling everytime he was around that told them he was wrong.

There is nothing in life that scares him.

He hungers after gaining control, making decisions-- or at the least pulling the strings behind those decisions. He doesn’t want chaos, but he will do whatever it takes to gain the upper hand.

Aggression is his go-to response, and he can be violent when it serves a purpose. Whether it’s just to make him feel something, or to get what he wants. Rage is one of the few emotions he can experience to its fullest extent.

Campbell has high intelligence and is calculating, constantly running through his mind what people will think about things he and others say and do. This gives him the ability to see potential consequences others don’t notice.

After growing up facing neglect and being feared by all those around him, Campbell has gotten a clear understand of just how dark humanity can get. He is very objective and thoughtful when considering situations and decisions, always wanting to find the best solution for his needs.

He spends a lot of time just watching, observing people to figure out what makes them tick.

Once he sets his mind on something, the only one who can stop him is himself.

When Campbell was diagnosed as a Psychopath, he wasn’t surprised. It did make things worse for him within the family, but things were already shit anyway.

ƗŦ'Ş ΔŁŴΔ¥Ş ĐΔŘҜ€ŞŦ β€₣ØŘ€ ŦĦ€ ĐΔŴŇ

Campbell just???? loves food????? food is one of the few things that makes him super duper happy. He’s not really a picky eater but give him a bacon ‘n egg sandwich any day and he’ll love you for life.

If you are someone he wants to keep around he will spoil the hell out of you: giving you gifts, trying to make you laugh, doing things you enjoy-- it’s all on the table.

He is fiercely protective, if you fuck with him, his plans, or anyone he wants to keep safe, you better be ready for a fucking war. 

Campbell is normally pretty chill and laidback with others, he prefers to listen than speak.

When shit hits the fan, Campbell is a pacer. He’ll walk back and forth for hours. He despises feeling helpless.

Definitely a movie buff. Talk to him about all things from American psycho to The Notebook. He especially enjoys laughing at blatant idiocy and rewatches all the gory scenes for ideas.

He very much prefers to be alone in peace and quiet instead of out at a rager, but will do whichever gets him where he wants to go. Intimate settings are more prefarable to group ones, as it makes it easier to keep track of everyone and judge interactions.

ΔŇ ƗŇŦ€ŘVƗ€Ŵ ŴƗŦĦ Δ ƤŞ¥ĆĦØ

“ alright but make it quick “

- What is your earliest memory that you can remember?

“ i don’t fucking know, stepping on a snail? “

- How was your childhood in general? Did your parents treat you well? Did you have a lot of friends?

“ aw, that’s cute. next question. “

- How was/is school? What is your favorite and least favorite subjects? What were your grades on average?

“ school was school. and i dunno, science? they were all the same. “

- Best childhood memory you can recall?

“ cutting class for the first time. or maybe when sam fell flat on his face cause i shoved him and he started crying and shit. that was fucking funny. and it still was every time after that. “

- Worst childhood memory you can recall?

“ i got this sweet knife on my eighth birthday but they took it away when i was ten. that fucking sucked, it was still in great condition too. “

- Name an event in your childhood that has shaped you into the person you are today

“ when we realised sam was deaf. selfish prick. “

- Are you a virgin?

“ ha, no. “

- What is the worst injury you have ever gotten? What was it and how did it happen? Were you ever close to death?

“ i’ve nearly cut my fingers off plenty of times. i fell off some rocks i was trying to climb once. had to go to the hospital for that. “

- Most dangerous thing you have ever done?

“ let’s just say i should’ve been in jail a couple times over by now “

- What would you do if you were suddenly given one billion dollars out of the blue?

“ get out of this town. buy my own place. never speak to anyone from here ever again. “

- Do you have any hobbies? Name all of them if you can.

“ pretty sure if i say them this’ll be used as evidence in court one day. “

- What are your top three favorite animals? What would you say your "Patronus" or "Spirit Animal" is?

“ what the actual fuck. next. “

- Can you cook at all?

“ ye, obviously. had to do it for myself since i was seven. “

- What is your favorite dish? Can you prepare it? Do you have the recipe handy?

“ ive gotten to hunt pheasant a few times. nothing beats that fresh game. clean it, skin it, gut it. crisp it up and eat it. so good. “

- What would you say is the worst thing someone has done to you? What is the meanest thing someone has ever said to you?

“ had a few people call me a monster, a dick, a demon. at this point i’m used to it, and it’s good to be reminded who you are. “

- What is the worst thing you have done to someone? What is the meanest thing you have said to anyone?

“ nothing i do is mean, i’m a modern day saint. “

“ we done? you’re welcome. don’t say i never did anything for you. “

[astral-obscura]

LILITH ⚸

i. BASICS

Polarity: Yin and Yang Element: Water and Fire

Rulership: debatable. Scorpio is generally associated with Lilith. I personally believe that she is ruled by Scorpio & exalted in Sagittarius.

-- What is Lilith?

There are four Liliths (or technically three -- one with two calculation methods) but Black Moon Lilith is what I will be referring to in this post; this is the “primary” or “most important” Lilith, which is most closely associated with the myth and traditional archetype. The other Liliths have separate connotations & require different interpretations.

Black Moon Lilith is essentially (equal to) the lunar apogee. In other words, the Black Moon is the point in the moon’s orbit when it is farthest from the earth. There are two ways to calculate it -- “True” Lilith refers to the accurate calculation, and “Mean” Lilith refers to the average (smoothed) calculation. True Lilith is used most commonly, as many astrologers believe accounting for the wildly oscillating orbit of the lunar apogee reflects the uncontrolled nature of the archetype & energy of Lilith itself.

ii. ARCHETYPES

The Rejected Eve. The Dark Mother or anti-mother, the “Shadowed” (corrupt) Madonna. The Harlot, the Provocateur, the (sexual) Pariah, the Unwoman, the Woman King. The Vampiress, the Demon-Goddess or Demon Queen, the Mother of Monsters. The Witch, the Enchantress, the Mistress or Temptress.

Lilith is not about “evil,” Lilith is about deviance.

She represents exactly what we are not supposed or allowed to be, particularly if one is punished or rejected for being it. She is the “Joan of Arc” of social and sexual roles -- for everyone, but especially women. She is the untamed subversion of female limitations, and the mother of feminine rebellion.

Above all, Lilith is a symbol of self-ownership and self-creation, regardless of stigma, standards, & rules. Shamelessness and defiance define her.

iii. ORIGIN

The figure of the “Dark Mother” or “Demon-Goddess” is one of the oldest archetypes; there have been many different impressions of her throughout history -- all incredibly rich in detail, diversity, and significance. Many astrologers subscribe to the Biblical mythology of Lilith, which affirms that she was the first woman created by God. She was produced the same way Adam was (from dirt or clay), but she refused to submit to him as God had intended. As a result of that, she was exiled from the Garden of Eden, and God replaced her with a new woman (Eve, this time created from Adam’s rib). Her eternity would be spent wandering the earth. In some versions, she fled Eden of her own volition, and God sent angels to retrieve her but she refused to submit to them as well. She then “became a demon who murdered infants and gave birth to monsters.”

The majority of the myth’s manifestations are highly negative in that way. She is almost always depicted as a demon or a witch, with destructive connotations where marriage, sex, and children are concerned; some romanticize the idea of her, some are deeply afraid of it, but the foundation of Lilith remains relatively consistent: she denies or is denied something, and this changes her radically. More importantly, it changes others’ perception of who she is. Whether she found freedom or corruption in her decision is not the point -- what matters is the fact that her choice is the crux of all that she is defined to be.

iv. MEANING

Lilith’s energy is raw, self-motivated, willful, subversive, tempestuous, and wild. Impulse and tact are unified under a singular all-important goal: liberation. Nothing matters more to Lilith than personal freedom.

-- She is associated with:

Seduction, lust, sexual hedonism, temptation. Sexuality, especially female sexuality. Non-traditional sexual acts or orientations, subversive sexual roles, fetishes, controversial or “deviant” behaviors, taboo sex acts, dark fantasies & urges, hidden sexual needs, unhealthy desires, harmful desires, or desires that are deemed unnatural.

Hidden needs in general, unnatural or uncommon psychological characteristics, emotional complexes, mental wounds, unhealthy expression of emotions (or emotional repression). Separation from the original self; trying to remove or defy or transform a part of oneself, changing parts of the self that were inborn or built in childhood, disowning personal structures. Defying or radically changing one’s nature, or radically accepting one’s nature.

Female power, female self-knowledge, female rebellion. Crimes & wrongdoings against women; crimes & wrongdoings committed by women. Oppression of women; structural or personal harm of women & girls.

Dark or toxic motherhood. Unhealthy mother-child relationships. Abusive mothers. Abuse in general, either physical or emotional, especially which targets the autonomy of a person. Manipulation and deceit.

Individuality, self-expression, and unapologetic assertion of identity, especially in the face of oppression, alienation, and slander or disgrace as a result of it. Self-ownership, independence, and free thought. Aspects of a person which are rejected and outcast by society; the components of what makes a person unique but also that make it difficult to integrate; whatever prevents others from accepting someone as part of a community. The isolation that comes from being “irreconcilably” different.

The more broad societal themes of rebellion (especially those which veer into political rather than personal territories) are not very close to Lilith’s core energy, but they do loosely relate to what she represents, particularly when it comes to women’s rights. Some of the most negative associations are less about what Lilith creates, and more about what Lilith has the power, resilience, & strength to endure. Lilith can have harmful manifestations, however.

In the natal chart, the primary themes are alienation/rejection, individual freedom, and sexuality. She is the part of us that is demonized for being different or for not conforming to what is demanded & expected. She is the part of us that questions our priorities when we are faced with two options: stifling integration or lonely individuality. She is the part of us that chooses singularity over acceptance, and which would rather make her own way alone than sacrifice autonomy for the safety found in adhering to repressive social structures.

[dwsecretsanta]

The Gamemaster

Here you are! Part IV, and before Christmas, to boot! Brax is scarily easy to channel…. Anyway, only an epilogue to go, now.

Rating: FR13, like the rest of it. Also, Brax is, as always, Brax, I’m afraid…

Wordcount:3,447

Author: @the-ripper-rides for @presidentromana

The Gamemaster

The stars keep circling planets.

The planets themselves keep turning.

Time keeps marching ever onwards.

Somewhere out there, people are living and dying, laughing and crying. Some things about the universe never change. It keeps moving on, in spite of us, and our best efforts to destroy all of this. Sometimes, I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

But since it does, someone needs to steer it in the right direction, don’t they?

Of course I knew what was going to happen, that Romana was going to offer herself to Pandora. Forewarned is forearmed, and all that. It would be a moment when so many chances, of so many possibilities came to pass.

I knew what I had to do, after having seen several different versions of my future self over the years. With a little nudge in the right direction, it truly was for the good of everything, to let history take its own path.

Nudges, such as the death of Darkel, and setting the cradle of Free Time up as an active threat to Pandora and her cause, so that she’d have no choice but to cut that poison-baring tree off at the source, before in could do any real damage.

Of course there have been a few civilian casualties, from the other races that Pandora has targeted, but everything will balance out in the end. Let a planet get destroyed now, save five in the future.

The scales of wrong and right are a delicate and complex thing, and only a person with a clear overview of the scheme of things has any right to manipulate that balance. There is no other that would be capable of bringing this all to pass, other than me.

Pandora had to rule in this present time, in order to afford the galaxy, and Gallifrey herself, a chance at a stable future. Or any future at all, for that matter.

For the Greater Good. That is all that matters, in the end.

Pandora always was paranoid about things. That was why she was willing to read a note, left in her desk drawer by my faithful insider, which suggested that she keep a very close eye on Darkel. Without that, then Darkel never would have been forced into a collar, like so many other old Gallifreyans, in order to prove her loyalty.

If she hadn’t been pressed into a collar then I never would have been able to set up my trap for her, on the planet of Michtiaum.

As soon as I heard what the destination was, I moved into action. The spaceport was the obvious choice, and sometimes the most obvious solution really is the best. With high-powered transmitters in all of the walls, to guide other ships in and out, it was child’s play to alter the frequencies that were being beamed out, and double them back in on themselves, so that the signal from the transmitters was the first thing that the landing party walked into.

Those that were in collars were separated from those that weren’t. Pandora wasn’t fool enough to risk herself, in such a way.

She knew about the chance of stray frequencies triggering the collars. After all, it was hardly the first time that it had happened; I made certain of that. Pandora never suspected a thing. I never gave her a reason to.

It was just another planet trying to fight back against the wrath and gathered might of Gallifrey, in any way possible, as far as she was concerned.

Just over a dozen Time Lords from the landing party lost their lives, that day.

Of course the planet paid the price. By the time that Pandora was finished with it, there was nothing left apart from barren land, shattered ruins, and twisted bodies. She was nothing if not ruthless and efficient.

I almost had to admire that.

Still, that was score one to me; Pandora had no idea what Darkel was carrying. She’d have taken more care of her, if she had.

Step two – make contact with those that I knew I could rely on, to set things up for the next round. I gathered the ingredients needed, and passed them on to my insider, to be mixed in with the food for Pandora’s prisoners. Psychoactive, perception-altering, telepathic-range increasing chemicals, extracted from plants on Earth, of all places.

Then it was a waiting game once more, while the chemicals built up to a level where I could make contact with the two that I needed.

Narvin and Leela.

I knew just how well Leela knew Narvin, and Narvin had the technical knowledge to assemble what I passed onto him, for use. He was also a rather adept psychic, and the chemicals in Leela’s body would also assist her in doing what was necessary. They were fully reactive with humans, as well as Time Lords, see.

While they worked on their side of the bargain, I nudged Pandora towards a few more strategically placed planets. Keep her distracted, keep her gaze turned away from Gallifrey, and what I was doing there.

It was easy, with the delight that she took from destruction.

More time passed.

The planets kept spinning, and Pandora spread like a virus.

I moved my collection out of normal space-time, in order to keep my prizes safe from her far-reaching grasp.

To one who can afford it, then time is the only true necessary currency. Not lives, and not gold or land. There are those races out there, that things like that don’t matter to in the slightest. Time, though… well, she could buy anything and everything.

I already have everything I need; my players in place, a Censure Device, which is so much more powerful than the average Mindwipe device, a Cryogenic Storage unit, and knowledge of Gallifrey’s future security. All right, so I’ll admit that there will be a few annoyed people, once this is tidied up, but there isn’t any amongst them with the strength to so much as scratch at Gallifrey’s surface.

At least for now.

I’ll only get one shot at this. If it doesn’t work, then I’ll need to find another plan.

There’s a chance that Romana’s body will be killed, outright. There’s a chance that Leela won’t actually be able to get Romana out, which would be a spanner in my works, to say the least. I really do need her, to tidy things up afterwards. However, these are risks which I’ve weighed, and which I’m willing to take.

I’m beginning to wonder whether we haven’t been caught out, by the time I finally hear back from Narvin and Leela, again.

“Brax? Brax, can you hear me?” It’s Leela’s voice that I catch first, far too loud for the circumstances, and excited, rather than blank and exhausted, as it had been the first time that I’d spoken with the two of them.

“Leela, keep your voice down.” I hear Narvin admonish her, as soon as her voice falls quite.

“Yes, I hear the two of you.”

“We have news.” Narvin’s voice is as low and tightly controlled as ever, but there’s a life to his tone that wasn’t there before, as well.

I nod to myself, satisfied, and aware of what they’re about to say before they say it.

“Go ahead, then. Report.”

“It worked. I cannot believe it, but it worked.”

Of course it worked. I was the one who planned it, wasn’t I?

Then Leela’s tone altered and slipped. It was still her voice, but the pronunciation was different, even more familial before.

“Thank-you, for getting me out of there, Braxiatel. It was getting rather stifling.”

“Romana.” The name slips from me, before I’ve a chance to stop myself. Now isn’t a time to allow any weakness, or softness. It doesn’t matter that I’d call her a friend, that I’d like to hear her call me by my first name, even just once. Anything that isn’t integral to the plan cannot be allowed to impact upon things.

The silence draws out, and I realize that they’re waiting on me to speak again, waiting to see if I have anything else to add.

I shake myself, a flick of my head, and clear my throat. “You sound…quite well.”

For someone speaking through the mouth of another.

“I’ve been worse.”

I raise an eyebrow at that. “No doubt you’ve been better, too.”

“That doesn’t matter.” I’ve long-since come to recognize that tone of iron determination. “Braxiatel, listen to me. I need you to do everything in your power to bring Pandora to her knees. Nothing else matters.”

Well, that makes this easier. Not that it should make a difference, but it does, all the same. Having permission feels as though a rope has been loosened around my throat.

“You need not concern yourself on that matter, my President. I already had every intention of doing so.”

“Good.”

The two voices on the other end speak as one.

“I’ll be in touch. I have… business to attend. Goodbye.”

I slip the earpiece of my communicator out of my ear, and remove the transmitter from my tongue.

Time to get the last of what I need in place is running short. I already know what Pandora’s next target is, and I need to be there well before she reaches it, so that I might lie in wait for her.

She intends to take Mars, press those that she finds there to be her force in the Sol galaxy, and then move onto Earth. Theta has been keeping her distracted for me as well, without even knowing it, and having had access to Romana’s memories, it’s no surprise that she knows what that tiny little blue-green planet means to my brother.

Pandora isn’t above being petty, even after all these years.

“That will be your downfall.”

I speak the words to myself, as I make my way across to to my TARDIS, so that I can head out.

Energy Restraint, Censure Device, Cryogenic Storage Unit. Check, check and check. Not that I need to; they’ve been on my TARDIS since I first told Narvin and Leela what I required.

It doesn’t take long to reach the Red Planet. Then again, I do know all the shortcuts. The Martian air is heavy and thick, and I can see the Osirians Pyramid standing up proudly from the rough, bleak landscape, and the light of Earth, a tiny speck glowing in the distance.

Does Pandora know the importance of that Pyramid? Well, that matters not, because if she reaches it, then she will. And my job will become infinitely more difficult.

There’s also a human base, abandoned, empty and silent in the distance, and the caves in that cliff, which I know lead to a chamber where Ice Warriors are resting.

There’s no space-port here that I can trap, but no doubts she’ll be interested in the Pyramid, which makes the path to that the best place to set up. The area is too wide to cover effectively, at the moment, but that’s only a minor annoyance. A few bolts with a plasma rifle, to bring some rocks down, and make the path narrower.

I’ll only get one shot at this.

I scout out the area, then lift the high-powered rifle up onto my shoulder, peering through the sight. That rock there, and that one there ought to do it. If I burn those away, then they should make the rocks behind them cascade down the cliffs, and give me an area that I’ll be able to use, to cut Pandora off from those following her.

I know Pandora will be leading, from observing her in the past. She always leads, to start with, before finding a place that’s safe and out of the way, to order and observe from. This time, it will be her downfall.

A pair of quick squeezes of the trigger, and I move back to a position of safety as and the rocks roll down the steep cliffside, to fill in the space that I need them to. They throw up red dust as they roll, which sweeps out and engulfs the area. In a way, it reminds me of what Pandora does with every fresh planet that she touches down on.

Turning back for my TARDIS, to dive the dust time to settle, I take possession of the Cryogenic Storage next, and set it up under a camouflage cloak, right next to the entrance of the Pyramid, so that it’s out of the way, and won’t be damaged in what’s to come.

I walk the path that I’ve created with the Cryogenic Storage, in order to test it out, and make sure that it’s suitable. Hardly the first time that I’ve walked the path of a dead woman.

It’s suitable. Then, it’s back to the TARDIS once more, to tuck the Censure Device and Energy Restraint into my pack, and finally, take my place just above the path which I’ve made, to watch and wait.

I am very good at waiting, if I do say so myself.

Time passes.

The planets maintain their dance with the stars, and I don’t so much as twitch a muscle.

The sound of Pandora’s fleet is almost painfully loud, when they enter the planetary atmosphere, and I feel a twist of anticipation in my hearts.

That’s what war is, though. Ninety-five percent waiting and boredom, then five percent action and interest. It’s on that five percent, that the tide of the battle swings.

I lay low, watch as Pandora and her people emerge from the ships. I’m too far away to hear what she’s saying, or to read her lips, but I can tell that she’s directing her people and giving orders from the way that she’s gesturing.

I always did have spectacular long-distance vision.

When they move, it couldn’t have gone any better than if I’d directed things myself.

A moment spent in reconnaissance….

I shoot, the moment that Pandora is past the point that I’ve been lining up, this time aiming for one of those Time Lords that has been indentured to her.  The collar goes up just as cleanly as Darkel’s had, all that spent time ago, and the power of the explosion disturbs the cliff once more, bringing down rocks to block the path and separate her. This time I am close enough to hear the words.

“Move these rocks, now. Or you will all be paying the price.”

I’m already moving, slipping down the cliff behind her.

Pandora hasn’t survived this long by being a fool, of course. But nor have I.

I’m quick and confident in my movements, keeping myself down below the rockline, working my way down the cliff, even as she scans in every direction around her. I’m a few feet from reaching the ground, when I hear her speak again.

“Braxiatel, isn’t it? That is your name, I’m fairly certain. Move again, and I’ll shoot you where you stand, put you down like the coward you are.”

“I need to talk to you, alone. I have certain… information, that you might be interested in.” I keep moving, calling her bluff. I need to be as close as possible, if I’m going to have a chance of pulling this off. I’m nowhere near close enough, not yet.

“You can talk to me perfectly well, from where you’re standing. I’ve heard a lot about you, and to be quite frank, I wouldn’t trust you for anything. You’ve been far too quiet, since I took over.”

“You only think I’ve been quiet, my Imperiatrix. Do the names Maranal, Troth and Sebon have any meaning to you?”

I see her eyes narrow, a thoughtful look on her face.

“What are those planets to you?”

“Those, and a good dozen more. It was through an anonymous source that you found out they were moving against you, wasn’t it?” I cover the last of the distance to the ground, and bow low to her. “I’m no fool. Self-preservation has always been my end goal, my Imperiatrix, and I well know what side my bread is buttered on. I always have.”

“Speak, then. I’m not stopping you.”

I take two steps forward, a third, a fourth. “This information is for your ears alone. I dare not risk the wrong person overhearing.”

“That is close enough.” She raises her voice this time, and I know that she means it. She’s right, I am close enough now, though.

I’m fast, too. I always was. I quickly remove the energy binding from my pack, to toss it in her direction. She shoots at me, stasar in one hand, even as she catches the binding with the other, instinct winning me the ground that I need.

I drop, and the shot goes over my head - then I hear the energy binding activate, and Pandora freezes, halfway through the action of pulling the trigger to take another shot at me.

Her people don’t seem to be in a hurry to rescue her. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I told my insider to pass word to those he knew still disliked Pandora and the way that she runs things.

Another two steps, and I’m close enough to rest my hands on her temples, as I close my eyes, turning inwards and tuning out everything else around us. This is even more important than anything that has come before it.

I meant it, when I said that self-preservation was important to me.

That black, twisted trigger which linked me to the past and present pieces of Pandora has been tucked away in my mind quite long enough already, and with the death of Darkel, I have no further need of it.

I gather it up with a delicate touch, then with decidedly more force, focus on Pandora’s shielding. She is strong, I’ll give her that, but I’ve had infinitely more practise at this than she has. Drawing myself up to a mental point, I slash at Pandora’s shielding, gritting my teeth as I feel her fighting back, struggling against the intrusion.

I duck around one mental shot, but the second hits its mark, and almost makes me lose concentration. I feel her hands twitching and brace myself, then strike a second time and a third, as though I’m trying to puncture through a shield door with a knife. All I need is one tiny crack, but I’m running out of time.

The Energy Binding is running out of power - I can hear that deep hum that means a low battery. It feels like it has been no time at all, but time doesn’t work the same way in a mental landscape. Her next blow strikes the side of my mental projection, and this time I strike out as she withdraws her mental dagger, and I can hardly believe it when it cracks.

Another blow finally gives me the opening that I need, to roll the last of Pandora back into the mind that it came from, in the first place.

I’m soaked through with sweat, hearts pounding and dizzy, as though I’ve been running for hours, when I open my eyes. I know I’ve only got minutes left to spare now, if that. I can see Pandora straining, chest moving as she fights to draw breath, sweat running down into her eyes.

It takes seconds to grasp the Censure Device, press the cone of it against Pandora’s head, and pull the trigger. She has enough time to scream, as the battery powering the Energy Binding dies, and then her expression becomes completely blank and dull.

She stops moving, stops fighting back, stops breathing, and just stands there. There’s nothing in those eyes, and nothing to block me, when I nudge against where her shielding was.

With nothing to stop me, it’s the work of moments to knock her out with a mental tap, as her lips begin to turn blue. Sealing her inside the Cryogenic Storage is also equally easy.

“So, this is the way that the great Pandora ends, not with a war, but a whisper.”

It seems too simple, but I know that it won’t feel that way for long. There’s still so much left to do.

I need to get Romana’s body back into my TARDIS, let the people here know that they’re free to make their own choices, get her back to Gallifrey, and then back into her own body. Then everyone can begin to clean up the mess that Pandora has left behind.

Still, this is a start at least.

The pieces are falling into place.

[jerdle-typology]

Enneagram 5

The Five in Profile

Healthy: Observe everything with extraordinary perceptiveness and insight. Are mentally alert, curious, have a searching intelligence: nothing escapes their notice. Display foresight and prediction abilities. Able to concentrate: become engrossed in what has caught their attention. / Attain skillful mastery of whatever interests them. Excited by knowledge: often become expert in some field. Innovative and inventive, producing extremely valuable, original works. Highly independent, idiosyncratic, and whimsical. At Their Best: Become visionaries, broadly comprehending the world while penetrating it profoundly. Open-minded, take things in whole, in their true context. Make pioneering discoveries and find entirely new ways of doing and perceiving things.

Average: Begin conceptualizing everything before acting—working things out in their minds: model building, preparing, practicing, gathering resources. Studious, acquiring technique. Become specialized and often “intellectual”: involvement in research, scholarship, and building theories. / Increasingly detached as they become involved with complicated ideas or imaginary worlds. Become preoccupied with their visions and interpretations rather than reality. Are fascinated by offbeat, esoteric subjects, even those involving dark and disturbing elements. Detached from the practical world, a “disembodied mind,” although high-strung and intense. / Begin to take an antagonistic stance toward anything which would interfere with their inner world and personal vision. Become provocative and abrasive, with intentionally extreme and radical views. Cynical and argumentative.

Unhealthy: Become reclusive and isolated from reality, eccentric and nihilistic. Highly unstable and fearful of aggressions: they reject and repulse others and all social attachments. / Get obsessed with yet frightened by their threatening ideas, becoming horrified, delirious, and prey to gross distortions and phobias. / Seeking oblivion, they may commit suicide or have a psychotic break with reality. Deranged, explosively self-destructive, with schizophrenic overtones.

Key Motivations: Want to be capable and competent, to master a body of knowledge and skill, to explore reality, to remain undisturbed by others, to reduce their needs.

Examples: Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Friedrich Nietzsche, Stanley Kubrick, Georgia O'Keeffe, Emily Dickinson, Simone Weil, Bill Gates, Jean-Paul Sartre, Jacob Bronowski, James Joyce, Gary Larson, David Lynch, Stephen King, Tim Burton, Clive Barker, Laurie Anderson, Meredith Monk, John Cage, Glenn Gould, Charles Ives, Bobby Fischer, and Vincent van Gogh.

AN OVERVIEW OF THE FIVE

The connection between genius and madness has long been debated. These two states are really poles apart, the opposite ends of the personality spectrum. The genius is someone who fuses knowledge with insight into the nature of reality, someone who has the ability to see things with utter clarity and with awe-inspiring comprehension. What separates the genius from the madman is that the genius, in addition to extraordinary insights, has the ability to see them correctly, within their context. The genius perceives patterns which are actually present, whereas the madman imposes patterns, projecting erroneous perceptions onto every circumstance. The genius may sometimes seem to be out of touch with reality, but only because he or she operates at a more profound level. The madman, however, is truly out of touch with reality, having nothing but delusions to substitute for it.

The Five is the personality type which most exemplifies these extremes. In the Five, we see the genius and the madman, the innovator and intellectual, the mildly eccentric crackpot and the deeply disturbed delusional schizoid. To understand how these widely diverse states are part of the same personality type is to understand the Five.

In the Thinking Triad

Fives are members of the Thinking Triad. Their potential problem results from the fact that they emphasize thinking over doing, becoming intensely involved with their thoughts. Fives think so much that their mental world becomes all-engrossing, virtually to the exclusion of everything else. This is not to say that Fives do nothing at all, but that they are more at home in their minds, viewing the world from a detached vantage point, than they are in the world of action.

All three members of the Thinking Triad—Fives, Sixes, and Sevens—focus their attention on the world outside themselves. This may seem to contradict the statement that Fives are engrossed in their thoughts, but it actually does not. Fives focus their attention on the external world for a variety of reasons, one of the most important of which is that the material they think about comes through their sense perceptions—the accuracy of which they can never be completely sure of because they are not certain about what lies outside themselves. The only thing they know with certainty is their own thoughts. Hence, the focus of their attention is outward, on the environment, while identifying with their thoughts about the environment. The source of many of their problems is their need to find out how their perceptions of the world square with reality so that they can act in it—and do things with confidence.

Problems with Security and Anxiety

Like the other two members of the Thinking Triad, average Fives tend to have problems with insecurity because they fear that the environment is unpredictable and potentially threatening. Further, they feel powerless to defend themselves against the world’s many dangers: they believe they are not capable of functioning as well as others and so make it their number one priority to acquire the skills and knowledge they feel are necessary for them to be able to operate adequately in life.

Their Basic Fear, of being helpless and incapable, influences their behavior in significant ways. Fives believe that their personal resources and capacities are limited, so they respond to their anxiety by downscaling their activities and needs. The more anxious they feel, the more they minimize their needs. While this can be a sensible approach to problems at times, anxious Fives may reduce themselves to living in extremely primitive conditions in order to allay their fears of inadequacy. Naturally, given this orientation, Fives feel easily overwhelmed by others’ needs as well, and try to avoid situations in which others will expect more from them than they feel able to give. As their fears increase, Fives begin to “shrink away” from the world and from connections with others.

When Fives are healthy, they are able to observe reality as it is and are able to comprehend complex phenomena at a glance because they are participating in life and testing their perceptions. In their search for security, however, the perceptions of even average Fives tend to become skewed. Their thinking becomes more convoluted, elaborate, and increasingly fueled by anxiety. As they withdraw from the world, it only heightens their fears that they cannot cope with it. Eventually, even basic living requirements seem overwhelming and frightening. And if they become unhealthy, Fives are the type of persons who cut themselves off from most human contact. Once isolated, they develop their eccentric ideas to such absurd extremes that they become obsessed with completely distorted notions about themselves and reality. Ultimately, unhealthy Fives become utterly terrified and trapped by the threatening visions which they have created in their own minds.

Their problem with anxiety, one of the issues common to the personality types of the Thinking Triad, is related to their difficulty with perceiving reality objectively. They are afraid of allowing anyone or anything to influence them or their thoughts. Because they doubt their own ability to do, they fear that others’ agendas will overwhelm them or that people who are more powerful than they are will control or possess them. Ironically, however, even average Fives are not unwilling to be possessed by an idea, as long as the idea has originated with them. Nothing must be allowed to influence their thinking lest their developing sense of confidence be diminished, although by relying solely on their own ideas and perceptions, and without testing them in the real world, Fives can become profoundly out of touch with reality.

The upshot of this is that average to unhealthy Fives are uncertain whether or not their perceptions of the environment are valid. They do not know what is real and what is the product of their minds. They project their anxiety-ridden thoughts and their aggressive impulses into the environment, becoming fearful of the antagonistic forces which seem to be arrayed against them. They gradually become convinced that their peculiar and increasingly dark interpretation of reality is the way things really are. In the end, they become so terrorized that they cannot act even though they are consumed by anxiety.

The basis of their orientation to the world is thinking; personality type Five corresponds to Jung’s introverted thinking type.

Introverted thinking is primarily oriented by the subjective factor…. It does not lead from concrete experience back again to the object, but always to the subjective content. External facts are not the aim and origin of this thinking, though the introvert would often like to make his thinking appear so. It begins with the subject and leads back to the subject, far though it may range into the realm of actual reality…. Facts are collected as evidence for a theory, never for their own sake. (C. G. Jung, Psychological Types, 380.)

Although they correspond to Jung’s introverted thinking type, Fives are perhaps more precisely characterized as a subjective thinking type because the aim of their thought is not always introverted (that is, directed toward themselves); rather, it is directed often outward toward the environment, which Fives want to understand so that they can be safer in it. The impetus for their thinking comes, as Jung says, from “the subjective factor,” from their need to know about what lies outside themselves, as well as from their anxiety when they do not understand the environment. This is why thinking is the method Fives use both to fit into the world and, paradoxically, to defend themselves against it.

One of the results of the way Fives think is that even healthy Fives are not very deeply rooted in visceral experience. They are the type of people who get a great deal of intellectual mileage out of very little experience because they always find something of significance where others see little or nothing. This may lead to great discoveries. However, when they stop observing the world and focus their attention on their interpretations of it, Fives begin to lose touch with reality. Instead of keeping an open mind while they observe the world, they become too involved with their own thoughts and dreams. This leads them further away from the world of constructive action—the very arena in which their self-confidence needs to develop. They may spend a great deal of time playing around with ideas or visions of alternative realities which have almost no practical impact on their lives, leaving them more fearful about themselves and feeling more vulnerable to the predations of the world.

Parental Orientation

As a result of their formative experiences, these children became ambivalent to both parents. Fives, like Twos and Eights, were in search of a niche within the family system, a role that they could fulfill that would win them protection and nurturance. For whatever reasons, though, they perceived that there was no place for them to fit in—that nothing they could do was wanted or needed by their family. As a result, Fives withdrew from active participation in the family to search for something that they could “bring to the table.” Fives want to find something that they can do well enough to feel like an equal of others. Unlike other types, however, since Fives’ underlying fear is of being helpless and incapable, they generally look for areas of expertise that others have not already explored. In a sense, their agenda is to focus on the search for and mastery of subjects and skills, until they feel confident enough to “reenter” the world.

In the meantime, Fives strike a kind of unstated bargain with their parents which carries over into all of their subsequent relationships: “Don’t ask too much of me, and I won’t ask too much of you.” Fives feel that they need most of their limited time and energy to acquire the knowledge and skills that they believe will make them capable and competent. Thus, average Fives come to resent intrusions upon their space, their time, and certainly upon their persons. What to another type might feel like a comfortable distance can feel uncomfortable to an average Five. The reasons for this may relate to the Five’s feeling of not having a place in the family. They may have felt crowded out or figuratively or literally intruded on by their parents and their agendas. Their parents may have nurtured them erratically, or may have been emotionally disturbed or alcoholic or caught in a loveless marriage, and therefore not dependable sources of love and reassurance. The result is that these children become ambivalent not only toward both parents, but ambivalent toward the world.

Fives attempt to resolve their ambivalence by not identifying with anything other than their thoughts. They feel that their thoughts are “good” (that is, correct, and can be safely identified with), while outside reality is “bad” (and must therefore be vigilantly watched), so that it can be repulsed at a moment’s notice. In average to unhealthy Fives, the sense of being crowded may have resulted in their feeling unsafe in their bodies. They then become profoundly detached, indifferent to physical comfort, and extremely cerebral, as if the quality of their material existence was irrelevant to them. Fearful Fives are willing to jettison many comforts and even needs in order to protect the space and time they feel they need to pursue their interests—that is, those areas they are trying to master.

They continue to find their parents, the world, and other people fascinating and necessary, but Fives also feel that they must keep everything and everyone at a safe distance lest they be in clanger of being overwhelmed by some outside force. Thus, from the very way they think—their “cognitive style"—Fives set up a strict dualism between themselves and the world: they see everything as essentially split into two fundamental areas—the inner world and the outer world, subjects and objects, the known and the unknown, the dangerous and the safe, and so forth. This sharp split between themselves as subjects and the rest of the world as objects has tremendous ramifications throughout their entire lives.

Problems with Detachment and Phobia

When they are healthy, Fives do not have to detach themselves from the environment, because they feel secure and confident enough to fully participate in the world around them. Because they are interacting with the environment, their observations are accurate and balanced. But as they deteriorate down the Levels of Development toward unhealth, their perceptions become more intensely focused on what seems to be threatening and dangerous in the environment. As a result of their preoccupation with things they find fearful and dark, their mental world becomes filled with anxiety. Ironically, however, the more fearful Fives become, the more compelled they feel to investigate the very things that terrify them.

In the end, since they invariably focus on what is threatening, Fives turn their terrifying projections into their only reality, and in so doing, turn their minds against themselves, literally scaring themselves out of their minds. They become completely defenseless against the environment, which they find supremely dangerous because their minds have made it so. They become so phobic—and their sense of capability becomes so fragile—that it is extraordinarily difficult for them to function or turn to anyone for help. Yet, unless deteriorating Fives can reach out to someone, they have few ways of getting back in touch with reality.

If they live like this for long, their thought processes become so delusional and terrifying that they must separate themselves not just from the world but even from their own thoughts. Neurotic Fives become schizoid, unconsciously splitting themselves off from their teeming minds so that they can continue to live. Their reality has become hellish: dark, painful, and without hope. Recoiling in horror, they retreat into emptiness—and yet more horror.

ANALYZING THE HEALTHY FIVE

Level 1: The Pioneering Visionary

At their healthiest, Fives have the paradoxical ability to penetrate reality profoundly while comprehending it broadly. They are able to take things in whole, perceiving patterns where others see nothing but confusion. They are able to synthesize existing knowledge, making connections between phenomena which no one previously knew were related, such as time and space, the structures of the DNA molecule, or the relationship between brain chemistry and behavior. If they are artistically inclined, they may develop entirely new art forms, or revolutionize the form they are working with in ways that have not been seen before. These innovations often become the new platform from which others will learn and create.

The healthiest Fives do not cling to their own ideas about how the world works. Instead, they encompass reality so profoundly that they are able to discover unanticipated truths they could not have arrived at by mere theorizing. They make discoveries precisely because they are willing not to know the answers, keeping an open mind while they observe reality.

Because they do not impose their thoughts on reality, very healthy Fives are able to discover the internal logic, the structure, and interrelated patterns of whatever they observe. As a result, they have clear thoughts into obscure matters, and are able to predict events, often far in advance of the ability of others to verify them. Fives operating at the peak of their gifts may seem to be prophets and visionaries, although the explanation is simpler. They possess foresight because they see the world with extraordinary clarity, like a weaver who knows the pattern of a tapestry before it is completed.

The result is that they transcend rational thought to reveal objective reality, and in so doing they move toward the ineffable, to a level of comprehension where words, theories, and symbols are left behind. They perceive the world in all its complexity and simplicity with a vision that seems to come from beyond themselves. They are closer to contemplatives than thinkers. This is the quality of the “quiet mind,” discussed in Buddhism and other spiritual traditions. When the mind becomes still and quiet it becomes like a mirror which accurately contains and reflects whatever it turns toward. Healthy Fives are not using their minds to defend against reality; rather they are allowing reality in, understanding that they are not separate from it.

Very healthy, gifted Fives so perfectly describe reality that their perceptions and discoveries seem simple, even obvious, as if anyone could have thought of them. But the genius’s insights are obvious only in hindsight. To have made the leap from the known to the unknown, and to describe the unknown so clearly and accurately that the discovery accords perfectly with what is already known, is a great achievement. Similarly, anyone can “create” a new form of artistic expression, but to do so in a way that is powerful for others changes the way that others perceive reality, is both rare and extraordinary.

Thus, very healthy Fives are intellectual pioneers who open up new domains of knowledge and creativity. An individual Five, if sufficiently gifted, may well be a genius of historic dimensions, able to make staggering intellectual breakthroughs for mankind. A genius of the highest caliber may understand the way the world works for the first time in history. Less gifted individuals may have a sense of the genius’s excitement when they first understand calculus or how to use a computer. Their understanding is new to them, and can be thrilling. Others can only imagine how exciting it must be for someone to discover something totally new—when the discovery is new not only to that individual, but to humanity.

Yet, at Level 1, the brilliance of very healthy Fives is entirely unselfconscious. What Fives themselves are most aware of is feeling at home and at peace in the world. Because they have transcended their fears of being incapable and helpless, they are also freed from their relentless pursuit of knowledge and skill. They no longer feel overwhelmed by other people or by challenges and are able to bring their hearts and minds together for the compassionate use of their knowledge and talents.

Level 2: The Perceptive Observer

Even though Fives are not always this healthy, they are still extraordinarily conscious of the world around them, its glories and horrors, incongruities and inexhaustible complexities. They are the most mentally alert of the personality types, curious about everything. Healthy Fives enjoy thinking for its own sake; possessing knowledge—knowing that they know something, and being able to turn it around in their minds, to play with ideas—is extremely pleasurable for them. Knowledge and understanding are exhilarating. They are fascinated by people, by nature, by life, by the mind itself.

Given sufficient intelligence, healthy Fives penetrate the superficial, getting to profound levels very quickly. Their insights can be brilliant because they have the uncanny ability to see into the heart of things, noticing the anomaly, the curious but heretofore unobserved fact or hidden element which provides a key for understanding the whole. Because they see the world with unfailing insight, they always have something interesting and worthwhile to say. The act of seeing is virtually a symbol of their entire psychological orientation. If something can be seen, that is, apprehended either by the senses or by the mind, Fives feel that it can be understood. Once something is understood, it can be mastered. Then Fives can act with the confidence they desire.

Nothing escapes healthy Fives unnoticed because they do not merely observe the world passively, they concentrate on it, noting how things go together to form patterns and have meaning. People and objects are perceived in detail, as if Fives were training a magnifying glass on the environment. Since their minds are so active and they find everything around them fascinating, healthy Fives are never bored. They like learning what they do not know and understanding what is not obvious. No matter how much they know, they always want to learn more, and since the world is, for all intents and purposes, infinite in its complexity, there is always more to know.

Healthy Fives are also able to perceive far more than others because they have the ability to sustain concentration; they are not easily distracted. They quickly become deeply involved in the object of their scrutiny so they can understand how it works—why something is as it is. Their intellectual curiosity leads them to expend considerable effort to find out more about those things which have caught their attention. They are incredibly hard workers who will patiently attack a problem until they solve it, or until it becomes clear that the problem is insoluble. They will labor in obscurity for many years because they are excited about what they are exploring or creating. Because healthy Fives are accustomed to pursuing their interests with little support or attention, they are not dissuaded by others’ indifference or lack of comprehension. The process of exploring, learning, and creating is more enjoyable to Fives than achieving a final goal. They take delight in questioning reality and tinkering with familiar forms until they become almost unrecognizable, especially in the arts. They are also very good conceptualizers, asking the right fundamental questions and defining the proper intellectual boundaries for the problems with which they are involved. They do not attempt to do the impossible, only to understand what they have not understood before.

Regardless of their actual intelligence, most Fives consider themselves “smart” and perceptive, and see these as defining characteristics. Many Fives are not intellectuals or scholars, but all focus their attention in the world of ideas, perceptions, and ways of looking at reality. They are constantly on the lookout for something that they have not noticed before, or a way of connecting disparate ideas or activities they have been exploring. Having a new insight into a question or creative problem they have been grappling with gives them a sense of confidence and goads them into deeper explorations.

Fives are aware that others may view them as “unusual.” This may be due to their intelligence, a highly developed sensory acuity, idiosyncratic behavior, or perhaps their penetrating gaze. Fives are not interested in being “different” like Fours are; instead, they view their status as outsiders with a shrugging acceptance. They tend to be unsentimental about life, and this lack of sentiment extends to their own circumstances as well. Fives can also appear to be unusual because they are willing to follow their curiosity and their perceptions wherever they lead. They are relatively unconcerned with social convention; rather, they want to be unencumbered by activities that take them away from what they are really interested in.

Healthy Fives want to feel competent and capable in the objective world, and yet, the very act of inquiring into things begins to shift them away from active participation and toward the role of an outside observer. Even at this stage, healthy Fives are subject to a certain amount of anxiety about the environment if they do not understand it. (And, of course, because they cannot understand it until they deal with it, they are caught in a conundrum.) Therefore, the habit of observation reflects not simply a dispassionate curiosity but a deep personal need.

Level 3: The Focused Innovator

Once Fives have identified themselves as intelligent and perceptive, they begin to fear that they might lose their perceptiveness or that what they are thinking may be inaccurate. So they begin to focus their energies intensely into those areas that they are most interested in with the goal of really mastering them. In this way, Fives hope to develop an ability or a body of knowledge which will ensure that they will have a place in the world. They are not interested in merely acquiring facts or skills, but in using what they have learned to go beyond what has previously been explored. They want to “push the envelope,” both because it is a greater test of their competency, and also because they want to create a niche for themselves which no one else could have come up with.

Sometimes the results of their explorations are ingenious inventions and technological marvels which yield highly practical results. At times, their tinkering may produce startling new discoveries or artistic works. At other times, few things may result from their original ideas, although in time, those ideas, too, may have practical applications. What is impractical in one era often becomes the underpinning of an entirely new branch of knowledge or technology in another, such as the physics which made television and radar possible, or a few scraps of ideas which later produce a novel or a movie.

Because they are looking for new areas to explore and master, healthy Fives are generally open-minded people. They are not attached to particular points of view, and are curious to learn what other people think about things. They believe that there is almost always something interesting to learn from another person’s perspective. They are also patient about explaining their own thoughts to others, even when their thoughts are complex or the other person is slow to understand. Healthy Fives want to communicate, and they want others to understand what they are saying.

Because Fives understand things so perceptively, their profound knowledge enables them to get to the heart of difficulties so that they can explain problems, and possible solutions, clearly to others. Healthy Fives like sharing their knowledge because they often learn more when they discuss their ideas with someone else. This is why healthy Fives make exciting teachers, colleagues, and friends. Their enthusiasm for ideas is infectious, and they enjoy fertilizing their own areas of expertise with those of other intellectuals, artists, and thinkers, or, really, with anyone who is as interesting, curious, and intelligent as they are.

As much as they like being among those who can understand and appreciate their insights, healthy Fives are nevertheless extremely independent. For the most part, innovating, learning, and creating are solitary adventures best embarked on alone. Because they never know where their projects and discoveries will lead, Fives value their independence very highly; they are willing to be as unorthodox as their inquiries require, pursuing their interests and discoveries regardless of the sanctions of others or of society. They are not afraid to challenge existing dogmas, if need be.

Their innovations can be revolutionary, overturning previous ways of thinking. Owing to the nature of their interests and the scope of their intellects, healthy Fives give us powerful ideas which can literally change the course of history. The worlds of art, dance, cinema, and music have many times been “scandalized” by the strange new creations of Fives—which later on become widely accepted standards of “how things are done.”

Healthy Fives are also in possession of a whimsical sense of humor. They are attuned to life’s many absurdities and ironies and enjoy sharing their wry observations with others. They have a way of distorting the picture of reality just enough to highlight some assumption or way of looking at life that has no logical underpinning. They are fascinated by strange, offbeat subjects and love tinkering with objects, images, and words. There is a taboo-breaking quality to the humor of even healthy Fives, because they are attracted to looking at subject matter that others would reject or turn away from. Their imaginations are powerful and they use them to visualize the solution to a problem or to create an alternative reality. For this reason, many artistic Fives become filmmakers, cartoonists, or authors of genre fiction (science fiction, horror, black humor). The aesthetic sense tends to run in two extremes: minimalist and spare on one end, and surreal and fantastic on the other. Most Fives who are involved in the arts are not interested in simple “human interest” stories or narratives. They want to direct their audience’s attention beyond their daily concerns toward truths which are more absolute—especially those that are hidden in the “ordinary world.”

In the process of mastering those areas which interest them, healthy Fives accumulate knowledge. People of this personality type develop expertise in various disciplines, whether in the arts (for example, abstract expressionist painting, electronic music, or Egyptian hieroglyphics), or in the sciences (how to build a computer or put a satellite into space). Healthy Fives are usually polymaths, possessors of knowledge in a wide range of subjects and expert in them all. Healthy Fives know what they are talking about and share their knowledge with others, enriching the whole of society with their learning. They are also relatively confident because they are actively doing things with their insights, and it is precisely because their insights are so on target that both healthy Fives and their ideas are especially valuable to the rest of society. Where would we be without the computers and antibiotics, the sophisticated communications media and the technological innovations of all sorts which make up the modern world?

ANALYZING THE AVERAGE FIVE

Level 4: The Studious Expert

The essential difference between average Fives and healthy Fives is that average Fives begin to fear that they do not know enough to act or take their place in the world. They feel that they need to study more, to practice more, to acquire better technique or run further tests, to involve themselves even more deeply with their subject. (“The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.”) For whatever reason, they fear that they will not be able to put their concepts and ideas into action. Convinced that they are insufficiently prepared to put themselves on the line, they retreat into an area of their experience where they feel much more confident and in control—their minds. Every personality type deals from its strongest suit, and the intellect is what Fives are gifted with and what they favor in their development. Rather than innovating and exploring, however, average Fives begin conceptualizing and preparing. In a word, healthy Fives use knowledge, whereas average Fives are in pursuit of it.

Because Fives have become adept at playing with concepts and their imagination, they are more sure of themselves when they are “in their heads,” and from this Level down they begin to avoid more direct contact with the world. They can spend many hours conceptualizing a problem or an idea for a song, but hesitate to put their ideas out as real, concrete forms. Average Fives get stuck in “preparation mode,” endlessly studying, gathering more background information, and practicing. Or they may simply develop the idea for a book or an invention in their imagination and never actualize their projects in reality. “I need a little more time” is a repeating refrain from average Fives. They are not being reluctant for no reason, however: their hesitation belies their growing lack of faith in their ability to cope with the world.

Because they are beginning to experience themselves as somehow less prepared for life than other people, average Fives feel compelled to gather whatever information, skills, and resources they believe they will need to “build themselves up.” To this end, Fives begin to disengage from social activities and spend more and more of their time and energy acquiring these resources. Their homes become a reflection of their minds, storage areas for their collections of books, tapes, videos, CDs, gadgets, and so forth.

Average Fives are typically bookish. They haunt bookstores, libraries, and coffeehouses catering to intellectuals who discuss politics, films, and literature far into the night. They love scholarship, and are fascinated with the technical appurtenances by which they acquire knowledge. And while they will spend money to obtain whatever tools they need to pursue their intellectual interests, be they medieval manuscripts or computer equipment, average Fives are usually loath to spend money on themselves or their own comfort because they identify with their minds and their imaginations, not with their bodies.

In their pursuit of mastery, average Fives tend to become highly specialized in some field, delving into a body of knowledge not understood by most. (As specialists, they take pride and pleasure in their ability to say, in effect, “I know something that you don’t know.”) Some Fives may become specialists within an academic discipline—analyzing genetic structures, or the mathematics of snowflake formation, or the migration patterns of birds in the Amazon Delta. Others may specialize in less academic areas, becoming specialists in antiques, stamp collecting, comic books, or jazz. Their approach to collecting becomes a metaphor for their whole approach to life: gathering in more material and incorporating it into the body of what they believe they know or can do.

Their predilection for collecting can combine with their desire to specialize in surprising ways. Fives may have a complete video collection—organized by director, of course—of every major horror or science fiction film between 1950 and 1990. The completeness of the collection and the thorough knowledge of its contents becomes important. An average Five would feel superficial if he or she had only a few Beatles albums or only three Beethoven symphonies. They want to acquire the complete Beatles catalogue, including rare bootleg recordings, and have all nine Beethoven symphonies as recorded by various orchestras. To observe the chronological progression of the Beatles’ music or to compare and contrast the different recordings of Beethoven’s Third Symphony become enjoyable pursuits for Fives, and a certain degree of knowledge is gained by these activities, to be sure. But Fives might well wonder how profitably they are spending their time in these endeavors. They achieve at least a temporary feeling of competency by mastering these narrow areas of interest, but are beginning to avoid the kind of activities that might really help develop their confidence.

Average Fives have begun to identify more completely with their minds, and although this is not entirely problematic, it is not without consequences. As we have seen, healthy Fives are highly observant of the environment and attuned to the world around them, but because of their increasingly cerebral approach to life, average Fives begin to miss things. They focus intently upon certain details and may overlook other relevant information entirely. They tend to make a science of whatever they are interested in, whether history, linguistics, stereo equipment, jogging shoes, or the sociology of ape families. It is here that we see the beginning of their tendency to abstract from reality, concerning themselves with only those aspects of reality which capture their attention. They are by no means out of touch with reality in any unhealthy sense yet. They are, however, narrowing the focus of their perceptions so that they can pursue their interests in more depth.

Although they may not be aware of it, average Fives begin to approach most new experiences by trying to analyze them or to find their context in relation to what they already know. This is the shy person who tries to learn how to do a dance by watching people dancing and trying to analyze and memorize the different steps and movements. The easiest ways to learn to dance is to jump in and start moving, but average Fives fear to enter an activity until they have worked it all out in their minds. Usually, the dance is over by the time the Five is done “figuring it out.” This can be a cumbersome way of learning things, but it does have some positive aspects. Because their method of learning is so systematic, and because they are observing and memorizing every step of any process they engage in, many Fives can explain to others how they arrived at certain conclusions or achieved specific results. And at Level 4, Fives enjoy sharing their expertise with others. They can discourse enthusiastically and at length on the projects they have been pursuing. Unfortunately, average Fives may not be comfortable talking about much else. Their personal lives, their hopes, desires, and disappointments, and especially their feelings become private matters, and they are reluctant to share these parts of themselves with others. They prefer to discuss subjects of interest to them, and to arrive at deeper “truths” through intelligent conversation.

Level 5: The Intense Conceptualizer

As average Fives retreat into the apparent safety of their minds, they ironically begin to heighten their insecurities about their abilities. After all, they are putting less and less time into anything outside of their narrowing interests, and are less willing to try new activities. They shift into mental high-gear, using whatever internal and financial resources they have to gain a sense of confidence and strength that would allow them to move forward with their lives. Unfortunately, average Fives often misapply this energy, getting increasingly bogged down in what others would see as trivia and losing perspective on which activities will actually help them in their lives. They spend endless hours engaged in their projects, but are unable to come to closure, both because they are more uncertain of themselves and their ideas and because they are afraid to leave the security of their cerebral constructs.

As a result, Fives believe that they have no inner resources to spare. They fear that other people and their emotional needs will overwhelm them, or at the very least, sidetrack them from their projects. Fives believe that everything depends upon their acquiring a skill or ability that would give them a chance to survive in what they increasingly perceive as a world without pity or mercy. They may deeply want to connect with others, but feel that this is not possible until they can develop the sense of confidence and mastery they seek. Average Fives begin to view most of their social interactions as intrusions upon their time and space—time and space they believe they must devote to their quest for mastery. To defend themselves against these potential “intrusions,” they withdraw further into their own inner worlds by intensifying their mental focus and activity. If Fives began to create alternative realities in the healthier levels, they begin to inhabit them at Level 5. Average Fives do not want anyone or anything to distract them from whatever they believe they are gaining by exploring those realities.

Strangely, though, average Fives begin to distract themselves. If all of their energies were devoted to constructive projects, their behavior might be more comprehensible to others, but their growing insecurity causes them to spend much of their time engaged in any sort of activity which might provide some temporary sense of confidence and competence. In their minds, Fives can feel capable and fully in control of their situation, which begins to compensate for their fears about being powerless and incapable in the real world.

They plunge into complex intellectual puzzles and labyrinthine systems—elaborate, impenetrable mazes by which they can insulate themselves from the world while dealing with it intellectually. They get involved in highly detailed, complicated systems of thought, immersing themselves in obscure theories, whether these have to do with the abstruse regions of such traditional academic studies as astronomy, mathematics, or philosophy, or with esoteric topics such as the Kabbala, astrology, and the occult. They are endlessly fascinated with intellectual games (such as chess, computer simulation games, or Dungeons and Dragons), making areas of study into a kind of game, and games into an area of study. They often develop a strong affinity for genre fiction, especially science fiction and horror. Exploring the dark and fantastic realms of the imagination gives Fives the feeling of mastering something—even if it is only an image in their imaginations. Their interest in strange, disturbing subject matter is both a further search for “turf” unclaimed by others and a counterphobic reaction to their feelings of helplessness.

The thinking of average Fives becomes increasingly uncensored: they are willing to entertain any thought, no matter how horrible, unacceptable, or taboo it may seem to others. Fives are in pursuit of the truth, and if the truth is unpleasant or upsets existing conventions, so be it. In healthy Fives, this tendency is laudable and the source of many great discoveries. In average Fives, however, it starts to create problems. Because they are not participating as actively in the world, they are getting fewer “reality checks.” Consequently, their exploration of potentially unsettling subject matter begins to add fuel to their anxieties about the world and themselves.

Because of these fears, and because their imaginations are causing them to see ominous implications in almost everything, average Fives are typically fascinated with power. They feel that knowledge is power and that by possessing knowledge, they will be secure because they perceive more than others do—and hence, can protect themselves. They are attracted by areas of study which deal with some form of power, whether in nature, or in politics, or in human behavior. However, Fives are also ambivalent about power and suspicious of those who have power over them. They feel that whoever has power may use it against them, rendering them completely helpless, one of their deepest fears.

One way that average Fives maintain their independence and avoid the potential control of others is by becoming more secretive. They become increasingly unwilling to talk about their personal or emotional lives, fearing that to do so would give others power over them. Additionally, speaking about such things might well plunge them into a more direct experience of their own fears and vulnerability—a prospect that average Fives distinctly wish to avoid. In any event, Fives begin to control others’ access to them, not by overt deception but by offering little information about themselves; they can be terse, cryptic, or totally uncommunicative. They also control access by compartmentalizing their relationships and different aspects of their lives. A Five will tell one friend about his professional life, while another friend will learn of his fascination with insects. Still another will know about his romantic life, while another knows where the Five likes to go late at night. No one gets the complete picture, however, and as much as possible, average Fives will make sure that these different friends do not meet to “share notes.”

This state of affairs would be difficult to maintain if Fives had too many friends, but to keep their life simple and to allow more time for their private pursuits, at Level 5 they do with relationships what they do elsewhere in their lives, they begin to reduce their needs. Average Fives become more determined to continue their projects and want to avoid any involvements or dependencies that might hinder them. They begin to “cut back” on creature comforts, activities, and relationships. Anything that might compromise their independence and their freedom to continue with their interests becomes expendable. Fives at this point are so caught up in their mental world that even basic amenities and comforts become almost irrelevant to them. They can become extremely Spartan and minimal in their existence, requiring less of others so that others will require less of them. Average Fives will often take employment far beneath their capabilities because they want to avoid becoming entangled in the demands of a more challenging career. Ironically, they are avoiding living their lives so they can devote time to preparing to live their lives. They live for whatever pleasures and small victories they may derive from their cerebral preoccupations.

The problem is that average Fives have stopped observing the world with any consistency, and have instead focused their attention on their ideas and their imagination. This is a turning point in their development. Rather than investigate the objective world, average Fives at this stage become preoccupied with their own interpretations of it, mentally detaching themselves from the environment or even their own emotional experiences by becoming more intensely involved with their ideas. Healthy Fives are extraordinarily perceptive and aware of their environment. To the degree that Average Fives are absorbed in their own thoughts, they perceive very little of the world around them.

As Fives speculate and theorize, turning their ideas around in their minds, examining them from every angle, endlessly producing new interpretations, they lose the forest for the trees. With every new conjecture, they have no sense of certitude that their speculations are final: everything remains hanging in the air, in a cloud of possibilities. For example, the more they write, the more complex the exposition becomes, until it is virtually incomprehensible. As brilliant as they may be, average Fives do not easily publish their ideas because they cannot bring them to a conclusion.

Furthermore, all ideas seem equally plausible to Fives, since they can make a convincing case for almost anything they think of. Anything thinkable seems possible. Anything thinkable seems real. They are intellectually and emotionally capable of entertaining any new thought, even horrifying or outlandish ones, since speculating on new possibilities is virtually all they do. Their ideas, however, begin to have no direct connection with the outside world. (The problems of epistemology not only fascinate them, average Fives unwittingly live them out.) But establishing a relationship between their ideas and reality is no longer the primary function of the thinking of average Fives. Instead, speculation and imagination maintain the sense of self by keeping the mind active.

Moreover, for all the time they spend thinking, average Fives at this Level do not communicate to others clearly, because their thought processes are so complex and convoluted. They get into too much detail; their ideas become highly condensed. The stream of consciousness floods out in elaborate monologues, making it difficult for others to follow their train of thought. They go off on tangents, jumping from one point to another without indicating the intervening steps in their logic. A perceptive observation about Jackson Pollock’s painting technique may be followed by a disquisition on modern media and the hazards to biological systems of higher levels of chemicals in the environment. Their monologues may well be fascinating, and possibly breathtaking in the sweep of their intellectual range; however, their discourses may also be strange and tedious, because the mental exertion required to follow them is exhausting. Nor is it always clear that the trip will be worth the effort, although average Fives think that whatever they have to say is as interesting to others as it is to themselves.

They begin to function as disembodied minds because, as far as they are concerned, the body is merely the vehicle for the mind. At this Level, they do not pay much attention to their physical condition except when that gets in the way of their thinking. They become so deeply involved in projects that they forget to eat or sleep or change their clothes. They frequently look like the proverbial absent-minded professor, missing a button when putting on their shirts or forgetting to tie their shoes. No matter. To them such considerations are insignificant: the life of the mind, the excitement of pursuing their interests, is what counts.

Both for better and for worse, they are extremely high-strung, as if their nervous systems were tuned to a higher pitch than those of the other personality types. (Nines also become more cerebral and imaginative in the average Levels, but their affect is very different. Nines become placid and passive, while Fives become agitated and intense.) Fives seem to lack the ability to repress the unconscious impulses which erupt into their minds, fueling their intense involvement in their perceptions, their work, and their relations with others. They find it difficult to do things casually, and find close relationships with others particularly taxing.

The more detached average Fives are, the more ambivalent they are to just about everyone—they are attracted to people, yet suspicious about them. They want to figure out what makes other people tick, just as they analyze other objects of intellectual interest. (“What you just said was fascinating—you’re incredibly angry at men, aren’t you?”) Yet they usually try to avoid getting deeply involved with others because people are unpredictable and potentially demanding. Average Fives believe there must be a catch. They cannot imagine why anyone would be interested in them personally and fear that others may expect something from them which they will not be able to deliver. Further, emotional involvements arouse strong feelings which average Fives find difficult to control: the passions flood too easily into their minds. But because most Fives also have strong sexual impulses, they cannot avoid involvements altogether, as much as they would like to. Thus, though Fives find people and relationships endlessly fascinating, they remain wary.

It is therefore typical of average Fives either to be unmarried or to have stormy relationships with people. Intimacy with others gets so involved, so complex and exhausting, that they stop trying to make contact with others and become reclusive, ever more completely burying themselves in their work and ideas. Doing so only fuels their feelings of helplessness, though, and as Fives become more isolated they are increasingly prey to their own growing fears about themselves and the world. Their view of reality grows ever more bleak and doubtful. They have great difficulty accepting the idea of a benevolent universe, let alone a benevolent God. Moreover, the problem of evil is an enormous stumbling block: the horror and uncertainty of the world is so apparent to Fives that any God who allowed the world to be as it is must be sadistic, an evil God, a God they refuse to become involved with.

Level 6: The Provocative Cynic

In time, the complexities Fives create in their minds cause new and more troubling problems for them. Nothing is clear or certain; anxiety increases. They are more desperate than ever about whatever projects and ideas they are trying to develop and fear that other people will demand that they give up their pursuits before they are ready. They fear that they will be drawn “off course” by the intrusions of life and are determined to defend against whatever they perceive as a threat to their fragile niche. At Level 6, through their style of speech, their manner of dress, and the subjects that they involve themselves with, Fives are saying to the world, “Leave me alone!” If others could not get the message before, Fives become more aggressive in their efforts to scare people away.

On the surface, Fives at this Level may seem intellectually arrogant, but they are actually less certain of themselves. Even their most valued ideas and projects begin to seem futile to them, and they alternate between defending them aggressively and finding them worthless. They begin to take more extreme and unorthodox positions, as if they were trying to extract more confidence from ideas that are becoming meaningless for them. Fives may not be entirely convinced of the radical views they express, but express them they do, wielding them like cutting tools. Further, their own subconscious fears about their inability to cope with the environment are frequently erupting into their minds, and they live in growing terror of the world and others. They feel uncertain and uneasy about nearly everything, and it infuriates them that other people seem to be content or oblivious to the horrors which they notice. They therefore begin to undermine others’ certainty or contentment by “sharing” their provocative views. (“So you’re going to the beach? I was just reading the latest report on the ozone layer. Studies show that the chances of getting skin cancer have gone up by nearly one hundred percent.”) There is often an element of truth in what Fives express at this point, but their intention is no longer to arrive at the truth. It is to use their knowledge as a way of unsettling others. And because they have spent so much time gathering information, they can easily use it both to reinforce their conviction that the world is rotten and to subvert other people’s sense of security.

A certain extremism is as typical of their social style as it is of their intellectual viewpoint. In political or artistic matters, antagonistic Fives are usually radicals, populating the avant-garde. They love to take ideas to their furthest limits—for their shock value, to defy what has conventionally been thought or done, or to puncture and demolish popular opinions. (And even if they are not as correct as Fives think they are, their provocative ideas virtually force others to react to them, stirring up debate or even hostility.) As dyed-in-the-wool nonconformists and dissenters, they rebel against all social conventions, rules, and expectations, whether these involve feminism, politics, child rearing, sexual liberation, or all of them in some peculiar combination. They have an ax to grind. Understanding has been abandoned for polemics.

At Level 6, Fives use their entire lifestyle as a statement of their views and as a rebuke of the world. They may choose to live an extremely marginal existence to avoid “selling out.” At this Level, “selling out” may mean any kind of regular employment or even having a relationship. They may wear intentionally provocative clothing or groom themselves in nonconformist ways. Of course, social protest can be a vital and healthy impulse in any culture, and healthier Fives (as well as other types) may well use provocative language, art, or style of dress to make a point. But with lower average Fives, the point is that there is no point. Life is futile. People are stupid. My own life is meaningless. Although other types are certainly part of the picture, this attitude is common in many of the “alternative” cultures that have developed in the latter part of the twentieth century. Grunge, cyberpunk, heavy metal, and other youth subcultures embrace this ethos.

Ironically for those so given to complex thought, Fives at this Level have also become more reductionistic, oversimplifying reality and dismissing more positive, alternative explanations of things. For example, dismissing the flower, reductionistic Fives focus on the ooze from which it sprang, as if the brightest blossom were “nothing but” mud in some significantly altered state; painting is nothing but the desire to smear feces; God is nothing but a projection of the father into the cosmos; human beings are nothing but biological machines, and so forth. The result is that their ideas mix legitimate insights with extreme interpretations, while Fives themselves have no way of knowing which is which.

An irrational element—a kind of perverse resistance to reality—has begun to taint their thought processes. Fives at Level 6 are not crazy, even though their ideas may be strange and extremely unorthodox. Healthy originality, however, has deteriorated into quirky eccentricity; the genius has become little more than a crank. |They may assert that arcane secrets are hidden in numerical codes derived from the names of characters in their favorite TV show, or that all rational thought is meaningless.) Others may well have entertained outlandish ideas, but lower average Fives dwell on them, sometimes using all of their time and energy to “prove” them. Their extreme ideas are so much a part of their sense of self that Fives will defend their ideas at all costs, asserting them vigorously and attempting to demolish all counterarguments. Contentious and quarrelsome, they also worry about establishing their intellectual priority and protecting their ideas, threatening lawsuits if they think that someone has stolen one of their brilliant theories.

Even so, as radically extreme and reductionistic as many of their ideas are, average Fives are not necessarily completely off the mark. They are usually too intelligent not to have something interesting to say. The problem is knowing which of their ideas are valuable and which are not. This is because, at a deeper level, Fives are becoming cynical and hopeless about all of their ideas and projects. A profound pessimism is creeping into their thoughts, and they begin to see all viewpoints as equally irrelevant. They can argue any point because everything seems equally true or untrue, and therefore equally worthless. Fives at Level 6 may even enjoy arguing viewpoints which they find repugnant just to reaffirm their intelligence while simultaneously proving the futility of making any further efforts.

Fives at this stage give the appearance of being extremely involved in their projects, but a closer inspection usually reveals that they are spending much of their time in relatively inessential activities. They may need to put together a résumé, take care of bills, or complete a project for work, but will instead devote their efforts to reading a book on ants, creating a detailed computer database for their record collection, or studying strategies to improve their chess game. They put more and more of their time into activities which will do little to improve their situation, and which actually become harmful because they are distracting Fives from what they really need to do. They are so unsure of themselves that they feel completely unable to engage in many activities—especially those that might improve their quality of life—and keep gravitating to situations that give them the temporary feeling of having their lives “under control.” Average Fives may not be able to face a job interview or learn to drive a car, but they can conquer the world, survive a nuclear holocaust, or wield awesome occult powers in the world of their imaginations.

At this Level, Fives feel profoundly unsettled and anxious about their apparent helplessness in what seems to them a dark and hostile reality. They feel that it is extremely unlikely that they will ever find a place for themselves in the world, and in fact, their abrasive behavior is making this a real possibility. Fives desperately want to find something they can do that will make them feel more connected with the world, but their fear and anger cause them to retreat further and further from any contact with others. They are tormented by their tempers and by their teeming imaginations: insomnia is not uncommon. If they could reach out to others and acknowledge their own suffering, Fives could turn around their difficulties and reconstruct their lives. If they continue to turn away from the world, however, they may eventually cut off what few connections remain in their lives and plunge into a much more terrifying darkness.

ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY FIVE

Level 7: The Isolated Nihilist

The need to keep others at a safe distance to protect their frantic search for mastery sets the stage for Fives to become extremely antagonistic toward anyone who they believe threatens their world. Unfortunately, as they become more unhealthy, their self-doubt becomes so great that almost everything threatens them. It seems to them that the only way that they can be safe is to cut off their connections with others and “go it alone.” They feel hopelessly ill-adapted for life and are profoundly disgusted with the world. Unhealthy Fives are convinced that they are never going to find a place for themselves in society, and so they turn their back on it. They become extremely isolated and prey to growing eccentricity and nihilistic despair.

Their aggressions are aroused when people question their ideas—or worse, if their ideas are ridiculed or dismissed. To maintain what little remains of their self-confidence, which is thoroughly wedded to their ideas, unhealthy Fives go on the offensive: individuals must be discredited, their ideas shown to be worthless, their solutions to problems an illusion, their world a fool’s paradise. Thus, unhealthy Fives unwittingly provoke others into rejecting them, and then become cynical about the value of all relationships. But in so doing, they become profoundly cut off from others and extremely hopeless about the possibility of ever relating to anyone.

Indeed, their need to reject what others believe is so strong that they take pleasure in debunking whatever is positive in life, trying to prove the virtual impossibility of human relationships and the complete rottenness at the core of human nature. Unhealthy Fives take delight in deflating what they see as the bourgeois illusions by which others get through life so comfortably, and to which they have not fallen prey because of their greater intellectual honesty.

As usual, there is a half-truth operating here. While others may well be living too comfortably for their own good, while some people may be self-deceptive, while some families and some relationships may be tainted by hypocrisy, jealousy, and struggles for power, it does not necessarily follow that cynicism is the best response. Unhealthy Fives throw out the baby with the bath water: faith, hope, love, kindness, friendship—all are extraordinarily difficult for them to believe in because of their fear of involvement with others. Attachment to others is too threatening at this stage, so unhealthy Fives must justify their isolation by becoming nihilistic and cynical about all relationships, indeed, about the value of humanity itself.

Just as an intense stream of water from a fire hose can hold back a crowd, the intensity of their minds, overheated by their erupting aggressive impulses, repels everything that might influence them. They “burn their bridges behind them,” ending friendships, quitting jobs, and emptying out all but the barest of necessities in their lives. (“To hell with everything!”) It is as if unhealthy Fives were attempting to purge themselves of everything but their most basic life-support systems so that they will not be dependent, and therefore potentially overwhelmed by anyone or anything. This process may be taken to extreme degrees. Unhealthy Fives may end up living out of a car, or squatting in a condemned building so that they will not be part of “the system.” They neglect themselves physically, paying no attention to their appearance, eating poorly, and going unwashed. Alcoholism and other forms of substance abuse are quite common at this stage, and the rebellious side of Fives has no hesitation about using illicit drugs. Their experimental nature may also lead them into trying new “designer drugs” or substances known to be dangerous, such as heroin. Drugs are harmful for any type, but for Fives they can be particularly debilitating. Unhealthy Fives are already having great difficulty facing even the basic maintenance of their lives, and their connection with reality is extremely tenuous. Drugs further erode their confidence and drive them further into isolation, thus accelerating their deterioration.

At this Level, unhealthy Fives believe they must maintain their isolation so that they will not be influenced by anyone. While usually not violent, they may rant and rave, write long diatribes and denunciations, or suddenly withdraw into a glowering, hateful silence. Since most people are repulsed by this kind of behavior, the isolation of Fives rapidly deepens, which is exactly what unhealthy Fives want. Yet, for that reason, they are vulnerable to ever worsening distortions in their thought processes. They are no longer getting “reality checks” from others, no longer comparing their perceptions to reality, and what few forays into the environment they do have are tainted with their growing terror. All of their experiences become confirmations of their helplessness and of the utter meaninglessness of life. Unhealthy Fives feel besieged by even minor problems and view all interactions with others as invasions upon their fragile space. Aggressions—and fear—continue to escalate.

Some of the personality types are able to conceal the degree of their distress in the unhealthy Levels, but Fives are clearly and unmistakably unstable. Others can see their disintegration and are both saddened and horrified, but unhealthy Fives’ aggressive defense of their isolation makes interventions difficult. Even the hint that they may “need help” may trigger their fears of helplessness and incompetency and drive them deeper into pathology. Unhealthy Fives also retain their ability to reason to some degree, and can cleverly argue away any positive input, dismissing any possibility that their dark and corrosive view of life may be in error. They have no expectations of themselves or others and retreat into a reality as bleak in its actuality as it is in its outlook.

Because unhealthy Fives are terrified of the world and of their own inability to cope with it, they stew in a destructive mixture of dark, twisted fantasies, feelings of contempt for others, and honor at the emptiness of their lives. They want to act, to do something that would discharge the relentlessness of their teeming minds, but they feel crippled by fear and have no belief in themselves or others. Consequently the intense force of their irrational thoughts keeps building without relief. They are filled with rage at a world which they believe has rejected them, but feeling powerless to do anything about it, they avoid all contact with others, let alone reach out for help. It is as if they cannot stop cutting themselves off at the knees. Unhealthy Fives may still be brilliant or talented, but their nihilism destroys any chance of their doing anything constructive with their abilities, and thus building up their confidence. Instead, they tear down everything in their lives, devaluing and rejecting all their attachments to the world. Yet, unhealthy Fives are worse than merely isolated; they are filled with aggressions and impulses which cannot be discharged, because they do not want to get into violent conflicts with others. Unhealthy Fives are thus trapped in a terrible dilemma: they are obsessed by their aggressions yet unable to act on them because they fear the consequences. They want to accomplish something in the world, but their bleak, cynical attitude does not allow them to engage in any activities that might improve their situation. The result is that they do nothing, and the intensity of their own minds begins to devour them.

Level 8: The Terrified “Alien”

As unhealthy Fives retreat further and further into their isolation, their belief in their ability to cope with the world disintegrates. Further, their lack of contact with other people allows their fearful thoughts to run rampant without being checked. They begin to feel that the world is closing in on them, and that it will show them no mercy. At this stage, Fives have reduced their activities and their living conditions to the point where there is nowhere left to retreat. They may be living in a single room and almost never venture forth from it, or literally hiding out in the basement of a friend’s or relative’s house. The only place left to go is deeper into their own minds, but because their minds are the true source of their terrors, this becomes their ultimate undoing.

At Level 8, Fives have tremendous difficulty distinguishing between the sensory impressions generated by the environment and those which have their origin in their fearful thoughts. Thus, unhealthy Fives see all of reality as an implacable, devouring force. The world appears to them like a delirious fever dream—an insane landscape, like something out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Almost nothing in the environment is a source of comfort or reassurance. The more Fives look at the world through their distorted perceptions, the more horrified and hopeless they become.

As their fears spread and grow in intensity, they encompass and distort more of reality until doing anything becomes impossible, because everything is charged with terrifying implications. Thus, neurotic Fives may begin to be incapacitated by phobias. Inanimate objects take on a sinister appearance—the ceiling is about to collapse on them, their armchair may swallow them up, the television is giving them brain cancer. They may also experience hallucinations—hearing voices or having grossly distorted visual perceptions. They begin to experience their bodies as alien, perceiving their physical selves as turning against them just as the environment has seemed to turn against them. Neurotic Fives cannot rest or sleep or distract themselves, because they must be vigilant—and because they cannot turn off their minds. As a result, they become physically exhausted, which only compounds their problems.

Even average Fives can have trouble sleeping, but unhealthy Fives literally cannot sleep. They are afraid of being more vulnerable to malevolent forces while they sleep and are also afraid of their dreams, which can be intensely violent and disturbing. They may increase their drug or alcohol use as a way of shutting down their minds, but this only adds to their exhaustion. Sleeplessness heightens the intensity of their thoughts, leading to hallucinations. The childhood monsters in the closet become real for them. Their fear and insomnia wear them down physically, leaving them emotionally volatile and physically fragile.

What begins to frighten neurotic Fives even more is that their thoughts seem to have a life of their own. Their thoughts are uncontrollable, scaring them when they do not want to be scared. Their minds race wildly and they become terrified by fears from which they cannot possibly escape, since, after all, their fears originate in themselves. Like Dr. Frankenstein, they are in danger of being destroyed by processes to which they themselves have given life.

Their healthy ability to find connections and to draw conclusions from disparate facts now works against them. Mental connections go haywire; they relate things which have no basis in fact, yet neurotic Fives are absolutely convinced that they are related. The behavior of birds becomes indicative of political trends. The number of raisins in a bowl of cereal portends the number of months to global cataclysm. Unhealthy Fives see existence as pointless and horrifying, yet constantly assign sinister meanings to trivial daily phenomena.

Unhealthy Fives are unable to stop the destructive force of their distorted thinking because they have cut themselves off from almost all of the constructive outlets for their tremendous mental energies. Their minds have become like a light bulb with more electricity coursing through its filament than it is designed to handle—five hundred watts through a one-hundred-watt bulb. Their thoughts blaze with a terrifying intensity which is rapidly burning them up. They cannot stop their horrific thoughts and fantasies and are almost completely incapable of doing anything positive for themselves. Worse, they resist all help from others, fearing that they will become even more powerless by accepting assistance. Getting help would also be the final confirmation of their own uselessness, their own inability to cope. They are likely to avoid or flee anyone reaching out to them.

Unhealthy Fives would like to destroy everything, so detestable has the world become in their eyes. Their rage, fear, and aggressions have become all-consuming and overwhelming, yet Fives are still unable to act or to discharge their destructive impulses and feelings. Their actions become erratic and irrational, even frightening, but they are still only minor responses to the eruptions of chaos in their psyches.

Life becomes unbearable: they seem to see too much, as if their eyelids had been removed. But the truth is that their minds are devouring them. The world becomes filled with terrors because their minds are filled with terrors. No part of their mind offers any solace or comfort.

Level 9: The Imploding Schizoid

To exert what little control remains over their growing terror and despair, neurotic Fives attempt to use the same defenses they have used all along—detachment and compartmentalization—but at this stage of pathology, these methods are ineffective at holding their fears at bay. They become increasingly schizoid, splitting off from terrifying parts of their psyches and identifying with whatever remaining ideas or fantasies offer some sense of power over their disintegration. But the relentless force of their fear keeps breaking through, leaving Fives feeling that they have no safe space left, even in their minds.

Ultimately, neurotic Fives come to believe that they can no longer defend themselves from hostile forces in the world or from the terrors in their own minds. In fact, most Fives at this Level cannot distinguish between these two realms: they have collapsed into one continuous experience of pain and horror. At this point, Fives want everything to stop. They want cessation, to end all experience in oblivion. There are two main ways that they are likely do this.

The first and most obvious of these is suicide. Like unhealthy Fours, neurotic Fives are likely to take their own lives, although for somewhat different reasons. Fours destroy themselves out of self-hatred and to silently accuse those who they feel have let them down. Fives tend to commit suicide because they see life as meaningless and horrifying. There is simply no point in continuing to exist. (Of course Fives with a Four-wing and Fours with a Five-wing will display some combination of these motivations.) All that unhealthy Fives perceive in themselves and the world fills them with terror and nausea. They conclude that the only way to stop their horrible experiences is to stop all experience. Like Hamlet, the prospect of “not being” becomes a “consummation devoutly to be wished.”

If they do not commit suicide, unhealthy Fives “solve” the problem of how to control their minds, especially the overwhelming anxiety produced by their consuming phobias, by unconsciously splitting consciousness into two parts. Neurotic Fives retreat into that part of themselves which seems safe, regressing into an autistic-like state which resembles psychosis.

At this final Level, Fives may defend themselves from reality by unconsciously cutting themselves off from every connection with it. To put this another way, unhealthy Fives are so terrorized by their thoughts that they must get rid of them somehow. They do so by identifying with the emptiness that remains within themselves when they detach from their remaining identifications. In effect, they detach themselves from themselves, like parents who, to stop being tormented by the memories of a dead child, throw away everything that reminds them of the child. The result is that neurotic Fives live in a totally empty house—the self which has been purged of everything that reminds them of their terrifying and painful attachments to the world.

Thus, neurotic Fives deteriorate into a state of inner emptiness and, if they continue to live this way, in all probability into a form of schizophrenia. *

All their former intellectual intensity and capacity for involvement is gone. Fives at this stage are utterly isolated from their environment, from other people, and from their inner life—from their ability to think, to feel, and to do.

Unhealthy Fives have finally succeeded in putting distance between themselves and the environment, although at the price of completely removing themselves from it through suicide or a schizoid break. The irony is, however, that Fives retreat from reality to gain the time and space to build their confidence and ability to deal with life, but they ultimately destroy their own confidence and talents, even their own life, through their fear and isolation. Those Fives who do not take their own lives may end up living a life of helplessness, dependency, or incarceration—the very situation they most feared—as a result of severe psychotic breaks with reality. In a final effort to escape from the horrors around them, Fives attempt to remove themselves from the environment. But what they have removed themselves from is not actually reality, but the projection of their anxieties about reality. They have succeeded only in removing themselves from their thoughts and feelings. Once neurotic Fives have done this, they become unable to cry out to anyone from the void they have created within themselves. All is emptiness within the abyss of the purged self.

THE DYNAMICS OF THE FIVE

The Direction of Disintegration: The Five Goes to Seven

Starting at Level 4, Fives under stress will begin to exhibit many of the qualities of average to unhealthy Sevens. Average Fives tend to retreat from connection with others and from activities in the world which they fear they will be unable to accomplish. Thus they become increasingly narrow in their focus and concerns. The move to Seven can be seen as an unconscious reaction to this shrinking of the Five’s world, albeit in the scattered, hyperactive discharge of anxiety found in the average to unhealthy Seven.

At Level 4, Fives are focusing their energies in studying, practicing, and preparing. They do not feel confident to enter the arena of life and believe that further developing their knowledge and skills will give them the protection they need to survive. Along with this, however, comes a desire for variety and a restlessness of mind characteristic of type Seven. Also like Sevens, Fives at this Level are constantly acquiring information, building their collections of music, books, and videos, or whatever else captures their interest. They move from one topic to another, looking for the subject that will satisfy them, for the project they can really get involved with. But in this state of restlessness, none of their pursuits are entirely satisfactory to them.

At Level 5, Fives have become even more preoccupied and involved with their projects and ideas. They are beginning to isolate themselves socially and to become more focused on their thoughts than on the world around them. Fives begin to be starved for stimulation, and under stress may begin to involve themselves with a wide variety of experiences which do not relate directly to their central projects or motivations. They distract themselves with video games, movies, and science fiction and horror novels. They love to let their minds free-associate, and can enjoy moments of silliness and offbeat humor which often surprise the people around them. Fives under stress may also develop a taste for nightlife, exploring restaurants, bars, and nightclubs—often as voyeurs. They will usually be secretive about this, however, and few of their friends will be aware of this aspect of their lives. As their anxiety escalates, so does their desire for distraction and stimulation.

At Level 6, Fives are becoming more fearful, and despair of ever finding a niche for themselves. They become threatened by most interactions with others and can be antagonistic and provocative in defense of their intellectual or creative “turf.” They get into high gear in their avoidance of anxiety, and can be insensitive and aggressive in their pursuit of whatever they want at the time. The jaded, calloused qualities of the Seven only reinforce the Five’s growing cynicism, making them impatient with people and extremely hardened in their view of the world. Some may find them wild and exciting at this level, but most people are put off by their intense, bristling energy. Further, Fives under stress will not hesitate to use drugs or alcohol to quell their anxieties. They will pursue whatever offers them relief from their pain and fears, even if their escape is costly and short-lived.

At Level 7, unhealthy Fives are extremely isolated, cut off from contact with others and the world, and consequently have no constructive outlets for their inner intensity. When they go to Seven, they discharge this energy in a variety of escapist behaviors, which only makes them more dissipated and incapable. Unhealthy Fives lurch from an isolated, fearful state to one of wild activity. Their minds are beginning to run out of control, and when they can no longer contain their fear, this enormous mental turbulence gets acted out in impulsive and often irresponsible ways. They lunge into mindless activity, by which they succeed only in getting themselves into worse trouble and more serious conflicts with the environment. They are irrational, have extremely poor judgment, and make poor choices about which actions to take. When others question their self-destructive escapism, their responses can be abusive and infantile.

At Level 8, Fives are full of terrors and cannot distinguish the horrific images that erupt from their unconscious from reality. Under increased stress, their behavior becomes manic and reckless. Moving to Seven now, deteriorated Fives go totally out of control. Some of the terrible things they have feared may actually happen as a result of their erratic and irresponsible behavior. And as fearful as Fives have become, they are often heedless and unaware of real dangers. For example, they may be killed—not because they are devoured by their furniture or exposed to death rays from their television, but because, not watching where they are going, they get run over by a truck. Out-of-control Fives are reckless and accident-prone: they may be poisoned, not by the KGB but because they mistakenly ate something they should not have. Neurotic Fives need to reestablish contact with reality (particularly the positive aspects of it), although at this Level they are completely incapable of doing so. They act impulsively, erratically, and hysterically, like a manic-depressive Seven, becoming increasingly unstable and unpredictable.

At Level 9, Fives are consumed with terror and are desperate to escape the horrors they perceive around them. Similarly, they cannot find anything in themselves which inspires confidence or gives them any sense that they will be able to cope with the rest of their lives. Fearing that they have reached some sort of horrible dead end, they may compulsively do permanent harm to themselves or someone else. Even if they do not kill themselves, their reckless activities may well have severely damaged their health and limited their ability to pursue any further activities. Like unhealthy Sevens, they are debilitated, burned-out, and paralyzed with fear. As anxiety reaches an ever new pitch, they may do something irrevocable, such as impulsively killing someone or committing suicide.

The Direction of Integration: The Five Goes to Eight

Fives typically do not feel that they know enough to act: there is always more to know. They will always feel insecure until they have mastered the real world and are not simply masters of their own minds. From a psychoanalytic point of view, their egos are typically too weak for the ids—their aggressions and other impulses tend to overpower their minds.

This no longer happens to healthy, integrating Fives because they have incorporated their perceptions of the world into themselves by identifying with them instead of merely observing them. They no longer identify just with their thoughts, but also with the objects of their thoughts. Thus, integrating Fives have overcome their fear of the environment and are learning to trust it. Hence their self-confidence grows, after the manner of healthy Eights.

When they go to Eight, Fives also realize that, as little as they think they know, it is still more than almost anyone else. They also realize that they do not have to know absolutely everything before they can act. They will learn more as they do more; they will be able to solve new problems as they arise. They understand that they will know what they need to know when they need to know it. Their confidence will come not from some collection of skills or some vast body of information that they have memorized, but from a real connection with their presence in the world. They then experience themselves not as separate from the world, not as a helpless speck, but as a powerful, integral part of it.

Integrating Fives act from a realization of their own genuine mastery. While they do not know everything, they know enough to lead others with confidence. The correctness of their ideas has been so well confirmed by reality that they no longer fear acting. They acquire the courage it takes to put their ideas, and consequently themselves, on the line. Thus, integrating Fives realize that they are able to contribute something worthwhile to others. As a result, their thoughts are finally given expression in action and possibly in leadership. Integrating Fives show others how to do what only they know how to do. And, as we have seen, the practical value of their ideas may be incalculable.

THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE FIVE

The Five with a Four-Wing: “The Iconoclast”

The traits of the Five and those of the Four reinforce each other in many ways. Both Five and Four are withdrawn types: they turn to the inner world of their imagination to defend their egos and to reinforce their sense of self. They both feel that something essential in themselves must be found before they can live their lives completely. Fives lack the confidence to act, and Fours lack a strong, stable sense of identity. Thus, Fives with a Four-wing have difficulty connecting with others and staying grounded. People of this subtype are more emotional and introverted than Fives with a Six-wing, although paradoxically, they tend to be more sociable than the other subtype. As a result of their Four component, they are also more interested in the personal and intrapsychic. The two types also have some significant differences in their approach. Fives are cerebral, holding experience at arm’s length, while Fours internalize everything to intensify their feelings. Despite these differences—or because of them—these two personality types make one of the richest subtypes, combining possibilities for outstanding artistic as well as intellectual achievement. Noteworthy examples of this subtype include Albert Einstein, Werner Heisenburg, Friedrich Nietzsche, Georgia O'Keeffe, John Cage, John Lennon, k. d. lang, Laurie Anderson, James Joyce, Emily Dickinson, Stanley Kubrick, David Lynch, Buster Keaton, Gary Larson, Stephen King, Tim Burton, Clive Barker, Franz Kafka, Umberto Eco, Jean-Paul Sartre, Oriana Fallaci, Glenn Gould, Peter Serkin, Hannah Arendt, Kurt Cobain, and Vincent van Gogh.

In healthy people of this subtype, we find the union of intuition and knowledge, sensitivity and insight, aesthetic appreciation and intellectual endowments. Fives with a Four-wing are likely to be involved in the arts as writers, directors, designers, musicians, composers, choreographers, and so forth. This subtype has been somewhat overlooked in many descriptions of Fives because they do not fit the stereotype of the academic/scientific Five (the Five with a Six-wing). This subtype is more synthetic in its thinking, pulling things together and seeking out new ways of looking at things. Also, Fives with a Four-wing tend to utilize their imaginations more than the analytic, systematic parts of the mind which are more the domain of the other subtype. If they are involved in science, Fives with a Four-wing are drawn to those areas in which there is less emphasis on experimentation and data collection than on intuition and comprehensive vision. This subtype is particularly aware of—and on the lookout for—the beauty in a mathematical formula, for example. For this subtype, beauty is one of the indications of truth, because the order which beauty represents is a confirmation of the objective lightness of an idea. One of the foremost strengths of healthy Fives with a Four-wing lies precisely in their intuition, since intuition helps them uncover areas of knowledge where their conscious thoughts have not yet ventured. The Fourwing adds a desire to find a unique, personal vision to the curiosity and perceptiveness of the Five, and the result is a propensity to “tinker” with familiar forms until they become something almost unrecognizable. In talented Fives with a Four-wing this can lead to startling innovations in their chosen fields of endeavor.

In Average Fives with a Four-wing, the Four-wing adds emotional depth, but causes difficulties in sustaining efforts and in working with others. Fives with a Four-wing are more independent than Fives with a Six-wing and resist having structures and deadlines imposed on them. There can be an off-putting detachment from the environment, both because they are involved in their thoughts and because they are introverted and emotionally self-absorbed. Analytic powers may be used to keep people at arm’s length rather than to understand them more deeply. Emotionally delicate, people of this subtype can be moody and hypersensitive to criticism, particularly regarding the value of their work or ideas, since this impinges directly upon self-esteem. Both component types tend to withdraw from people and be reclusive. They can be highly creative and imaginative, envisioning alternate realities in great detail, but can get lost in their own cerebral landscapes. The Four-wing gives a propensity to fantasizing, but with the Five with the Four-wing, the subject matter tends toward the surreal and fantastic rather than the romantic. Individuals of this subtype can become highly impractical, spending most of their time reading, playing intellectual games, or specializing in trivia. There is often an attraction to dark, forbidden subject matter or to any way of self-expression which would disturb or upset others. Some Fives with a Four-wing become fascinated with the macabre and the horrific. As they become more impractical and fearful about their possibilities in life, one typical solution is to find emotional solace in various forms of self-indulgence—in alcohol, drugs, or sexual escapades.

Unhealthy persons of this subtype may fall prey to debilitating depressions yet be disturbed by aggressive impulses. Envy of others mixes with contempt for them; the desire to isolate the self from the world mixes with regret that it must be so. Intellectual conflicts make their emotional lives seem hopeless, while their emotional conflicts make intellectual work difficult to sustain. Moreover, if this subtype becomes neurotic, it is one of the most alienated of all of the personality types: profoundly hopeless, nihilistic, self-inhibiting, isolated from others, and full of self-hatred. Unhealthy Fives with a Four-wing retreat into a very bleak, minimal existence, attempting to cut off from all needs. The self-rejection and despair of the Four combines with the cynical nihilism of the Five to create a worldview that is relentlessly negative and terrifying. Social isolation, addiction, and chronic depression are common. Suicide is a real possibility.

The Five with a Six-Wing: “The Problem Solver”

This subtype is the one that has been most often associated with Fives—the intellectual who is interested in science, technology, acquiring facts and details. Fives with a Six-wing are the “analysts” and “cataloguers” of their environments; they are problem solvers and excel at dissecting the components of a problem or thing to discover how it works. The traits of the Five and those of the Six-wing combine to produce one of the most “difficult” of the personality types to contact intimately or to sustain a relationship with. Both components, the Five and the Six, are in the Thinking Triad, and Fives with a Six-wing are perhaps the most intellectual of all the subtypes. They also tend to be more disengaged from their feelings than Fives with a Four-wing. Persons of this subtype have problems trusting others, both because they are essentially Fives and because the Six-wing reinforces anxiety, making any kind of risk taking in relationships difficult. However, the coping mechanisms of the Five and Six are somewhat at odds, creating an inner tension between the two components. Fives find security by withdrawing from others while Sixes find security by working cooperatively with others. Hence, their interpersonal relations are erratic, and in general are not an important part of their lives. Noteworthy examples of this subtype include Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Sigmund Freud, Simone Weil, Jacob Bronowski, Charles Darwin, Edward O. Wilson, Karl Marx, James Watson, Ursula K. LeGuin, Alfred Hitchcock, Doris Lessing, Cynthia Ozick, Bobby Fischer, B. F. Skinner, Isaac Asimov, Howard Hughes, Ezra Pound, and Theodore Kaczynski.

Healthy people of this subtype are more extroverted and focused on the external world than Fives with a Four-wing. They are not particularly introspective, preferring to observe and understand the world around them. Healthy Fives with a Six-wing observe the world with extraordinary clarity, combining the Five’s drive for mastery with the Six’s quest for certainty. The result is a gift for drawing meaningful conclusions from disparate facts, and an ability to make predictions based on those conclusions. They are often drawn to technical subjects, engineering, science, and philosophy, as well as inventing and repair work. The Six-wing gives this subtype a greater ability to cooperate with others and to bring a disciplined, persistent approach to their endeavors. There is more aptitude for and interest in the practical matters of life, and with sufficient talent, Fives with a Six-wing can combine their innovation with business savvy, sometimes with very lucrative results. Their attention is more often directed at objects than at people, although they identify strongly with key people in their lives. They may feel things deeply, but are extremely restrained in their emotional expression. In them we find an intellectual playfulness, a good sense of humor, as well as other attractive, lovable qualities. If others have been tested and permitted to come closer, they discover that people of this subtype have a deep capacity for friendship and commitment. There is also an endearing element in their desire to be accepted by others, and even if they are sometimes socially clumsy, others cannot help but be touched by their eagerness to reach out to people.

However, average persons of this subtype generally have problems with relationships. The Six-wing provides good organizational abilities and an endearing personal quality, but also adds to the Five’s anxiety and fearfulness. They do not seem to know what to do with their feelings, much less how to express them directly. Hence we find an insensitivity to their own feelings and emotional needs, as well as to the feelings and emotional needs of others. They have little awareness about how they communicate themselves to others. (They are the classic intellectual nerd, the socially inept oddball.) Average Fives with a Six-wing can become extremely preoccupied, theoretical, and absent-minded. They are totally wrapped up with intellectual pursuits and live completely in their minds, immersing themselves in their work to the exclusion of everything else. When interpersonal conflicts arise, average Fives with a Six-wing avoid resolving problems by burying themselves even more deeply in their intellectual work, and by employing passive-aggressive techniques, putting off people and problems rather than dealing with them directly. They can be rebellious and argumentative for no apparent reason, although something may have touched off unconscious emotional associations. Fives with a Six-wing tend to cling more tenaciously to their views and theories (reductionism) and to antagonize people who disagree with them, whereas Fives with a Four-wing tend to reject all meaning (nihilism) and to disturb the certainty of people who seem secure.

Unhealthy people of this subtype tend to be suspicious of people and to have counterphobic, contentious, and volatile reactions to others. They are extremely fearful of intimacy of any sort and can be highly unstable, with paranoid tendencies. Unconsciously seeking rescue, they also fearfully reject and antagonize their supporters. The isolation and mental distortion we see in unhealthy Fives are reinforced by the Six-wing’s paranoia, inferiority feelings, and conviction of being persecuted. Neurotic Fives with a Six-wing ultimately become extremely phobic, projecting dangers everywhere while retreating from all social interaction. They may lash out at imagined enemies, sometimes with lethal results. Psychotic breaks and madness are possible.

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS

Taking an overall view of the Five, we can see that there has been a struggle between various pairs of polar opposites: between thinking and doing, between a fascination with the world and a fear of the world, between identification with others and rejection of them, between love and hate. This process of attraction to and repulsion from the environment as a whole began with their ambivalence toward their parents. But unfortunately, what happens is that Fives gradually become so obsessed with defending themselves from potential threats from the environment—that is, from whatever they see as harmful and dangerous—that they also exclude the good. Eventually, there is nothing in the world with which Fives can identify, nothing true or valuable in which they can believe. The final result is total nihilism: there is nothing left to which they can attach themselves.

Like every other personality type which becomes gripped in the downward spiral of neurosis, Fives bring about the very thing they most fear: that they are helpless, useless, and incompetent. The irony is that they have become helpless and incompetent because they have rejected attachment to everything. And by intensifying their involvement with their mental processes, instead of finding security or power, Fives have brought about their own insecurity and powerlessness.

It is a tragic end. If there is something perverse and dark—even demonic—about Fives, it is that to protect themselves they have relentlessly repulsed the world and other human beings. What then is left? Only a fascination with—and a terrifying attraction to—the darkness.

[fifidunks]

hi fifi. i'm so incredibly lonely. and 3 days ago I got my heart broken so bad. what should I do to ease this pain? i see no perspectives in my life and ive been feeling this way for the last 5 years or so. thank you

you’ve funny timing angel. under the force of Saturn, relegated to my bedroom for lack of FUNds, I just started writing personal stuff again. waking up with words on my fingertips… their goal seems to be to cast a s-p-e-l-l that’ll set me & all my girls free. so we can stop taking things so personally. this morning:

All my life, or since puberty at least, it’s been easy for me to see that others were alive and hard for me to feel it except in extremes. I’ve sought to exist with regards to others by feeling seen, by getting hurt, and by loving like it’s a service. This lead to crisis.Most of the women in my life seem to be afflicted with something similar. We’ve anxiety disorders. Suffer depressions. Bipolar swings. And furies. We’ve anger and overcompensatory vanity and intellection. High-achievers, my girls are public successes, even famed. But I’ve seen them in their living rooms, gauntly yellow, telling me if they didn’t perform as they do, they’d kill themselves, and that anyway, they’re convinced they’re dying or will soon, which is probably true, if they think it. Becoming real friends with real women changed my life. It was maybe the first step to becoming real which I hope to soon. I want to take their pain away. I will eat it like I do my feelings, slathered in nut butter. And I will shit it in the form of writing. Everything I write is shit; why do I think this? 

That was something like a riff on this diary entry, from dec 23/16 (sorry sleepy you’re getting copy/pastes):

from ~puberty until recently (i’m 29), i experienced Life like gravity that is under low to high tenor anxiety with bouts of low to deep depression, blue moons of depersonalization, and breathtaking reprieves of manic joy, lust, hunger, anger, inspiration, illusion, freedom, n fun, usually facilitated by drugs, especially that most potent one - love. i thought this was “normal” not that i wanted to be normal - in fact, my wanting to be + have more more ______ is largely responsible it seems for the anxiety depression mania etc. only now do i get - oh wait - u can live day in n out in blissful simple stable renewable energy generous blessed okay so so so okay with being OK just dust laughing awestruck responsible plus bigger orgasms. never too late to remember how to be. love, fifips this was here all along ofcpps respect we may lose it again truthfully it’s very likelyppps bliss has a lot to do w/ accepting lack it seems, while anxiety/depression/addiction - addiction - is filling that void which can’t be

So after that day, as if to check my hubris, Life brought me Drama & I “lost” It again. he he.

Then last night my something like a boyfriend who I avoid when I’m not Real cause how could he love something that’s not Real? called me “not to judge but…” (I’ve been unreal more than less since Dec 24.) he ended up reading me this letter by Rilke, which his dad had shared with him, and which he prefaced with “it’s common—maybe you’ve heard it.” I hadn’t. I’ll share it with you now, as for some reason I’m assuming you’re a woman, and those lines made me cry, and even if woman’s not how you identify, it’s all good, and this is really what I want to get to, that loneliness is so good dude, first step to solitude (read it out loud): 

…you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it. This very wish, if you use it calmly and prudently and like a tool, will help you spread out your solitude over a great distance. Most people have (with the help of conventions) turned their solutions toward what is easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must trust in what is difficult; everything alive trusts in it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself any way it can and is spontaneously itself, tries to be itself at all costs and against all opposition. We know little, but that we must trust in what is difficult is a certainty that will never abandon us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be one more reason for us to do it. It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces, gathered around their solitary, anxious, upward-beating heart, they must learn to love. But learning-time is always a long, secluded time ahead and far on into life, is—; solitude, a heightened and deepened kind of aloneness for the person who loves. Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person (for what would a union be of two people who are unclarified, unfinished, and still incoherent—?), it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world in himself for the sake of another person; it is a great, demanding claim on him, something that chooses him and calls him to vast distances. Only in this sense, as the task of working on themselves (“to hearken and to hammer day and night”), may young people use the love that is given to them. Merging and surrendering and every kind of communion is not for them (who must still, for a long, long time, save and gather themselves); it is the ultimate, is perhaps that for which human lives are as yet barely large enough. But this is what young people are so often and so disastrously wrong in doing they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment… : And what can happen then?  What can life do with this heap of half-broken things that they call their communion and that they would like to call their happiness, if that were possible, and their future? And so each of them loses himself for the sake of the other person, and loses the other, and many others who still wanted to come. And loses the vast distances and possibilities, gives up the approaching and fleeing of gentle, prescient Things in exchange for an unfruitful confusion, out of which nothing more can come; nothing but a bit of disgust, disappointment, and poverty, and the escape into one of the many conventions that have been put up in great numbers like public shelters on this most dangerous road. No area of human experience is so extensively provided with conventions as this one is: there are live-preservers of the most varied invention, boats and water wings; society has been able to create refuges of very sort, for since it preferred to take love-life as an amusement, it also had to give it an easy form, cheap, safe, and sure, as public amusements are. It is true that many young people who love falsely, i.e., simply surrendering themselves and giving up their solitude (the average person will of course always go on doing that — ), feel oppressed by their failure and want to make the situation they have landed in livable and fruitful in their own, personal way —. For their nature tells them that the questions of love, even more than everything else that is important, cannot be resolved publicly and according to this or that agreement; that they are questions, intimate questions from one human being to another, which in any case require a new, special, wholly personal answer —. But how can they, who have already flung themselves together and can no longer tell whose outlines are whose, who thus no longer possess anything of their own, how can they find a way out of themselves, out of the depths of their already buried solitude? They act out of mutual helplessness, and then if, with the best of intentions, they try to escape the conventions that is approaching them (marriage, for example), they fall into the clutches of some less obvious but just as deadly conventional solution. For then everything around them is — convention. Wherever people act out of a prematurely fused, muddy communion, every action is conventional: every relation that such confusion leads to has its own convention, however unusual (i.e., in the ordinary sense immoral) it may be; even separating would be a conventional step, an impersonal, accidental decision without strength and without fruit. Whoever looks seriously will find that neither for death, which is difficult, nor for difficult love has any clarification, any solution, any hint of a path been perceived; and for both these tasks, which we carry wrapped up and hand on without opening, there is not general, agreed-upon rule that can be discovered. But in the same measure in which we begin to test life as individuals, these great Things will come to meet us, the individuals, with greater intimacy. The claims that the difficult work of love makes upon our development are greater than life, and we, as beginners, are not equal to them. But if we nevertheless endure and take this love upon us as burden and apprenticeship, instead of losing ourselves in the whole easy and frivolous game behind which people have hidden from the solemnity of their being, — then a small advance and a lightening will perhaps be perceptible to those who come long after us. That would be much. We are only just now beginning to consider the relation of one individual to a second individual objectively and without prejudice, and our attempts to live such relationships have no model before them. And yet in the changes that time has brought about there are already many things that can help our timid novitiate. [This was where I started to bawl.] The girl and the woman, in their new, individual unfolding, will only in passing be imitators of male behavior and misbehavior and repeaters of male professions. After the uncertainty of such transitions, it will become obvious that women were going through the abundance and variation of those (often ridiculous) disguises just so that they could purify their own essential nature and wash out the deforming influences of the other sex. Women, in whom life lingers and dwells more immediately, more fruitfully, and more confidently, must surely have become riper and more human in their depths than light, easygoing man, who is not pulled down beneath the surface of life by the weight of any bodily fruit and who, arrogant and hasty, undervalues what he thinks he loves. This humanity of woman, carried in her womb through all her suffering and humiliation, will come to light when she has stripped off the conventions of mere femaleness in the transformations of her outward status, and those men who do not yet feel it approaching will be astonished by it. Someday (and even now, especially in the countries of northern Europe, trustworthy signs are already speaking and shining), someday there will be girls and women whose name will no longer mean the mere opposite of the male, but something in itself, something that makes one think not of any complement and limit, but only life and reality: the female human being. This advance (at first very much against the will of the outdistanced men) will transform the love experience, which is now filled with error, will change it from the ground up, and reshape it into a relationship that is meant to be between one human being and another, no longer one that flows from man to woman. And this more human love (which will fulfill itself with infinite consideration and gentleness, and kindness and clarity in binding and releasing) will resemble what we are now preparing painfully and with great struggle: the love that consists in this: the two solitudes protect and border and greet each other. And one more thing: Don’t think that the great love which was once granted to you, when you were a boy, has been lost; how can you know whether vast and generous wishes didn’t ripen in you at that time, and purposes by which you are still living today? I believe that that love remains strong and intense in your memory because it was your first deep aloneness and the first inner work that you did on your life. — All good wished to you, dear Mr. Kappus! Yours, Rainer Maria Rilke

MoreYou can always email. fad.duncan@gmail.com. I’d prefer it. I fear publicity aka the Internet lately. Words Are Not Safe Here. 

[mrmarknewman]

The pathologic manifestations of professionalism

Four years ago after moving back to Iowa City, I needed to find a new primary care doctor. I went to the University’s website and scanned the list of general internists. There I noted a physician that I had known when she was a medical student during my prior stint at the University of Iowa 20 years prior. She had been an amazing medical student, very bright, hardworking, conscientious, and intellectually curious. My guess was that she now was an amazing internist. I asked a few colleagues about her and the responses were consistent: a superb clinician, an internist’s internist. Exactly what I was looking for.

I scheduled a new patient visit with Dr. B. Was I ever impressed! No stone was left unturned. She didn’t treat me like a doctor (for non-medical readers, that’s a good thing). She took a complete history, including asking me if I ever used IV drugs. She took a sexual history. She then performed a complete exam, including genital and rectal exams. I note this as sometimes doctors skip these parts of the H&P given the somewhat awkward situation when they know the patient (another doctor) personally. At the end of the visit, I recall telling her that the encounter should have been videotaped for use as an exemplar for students and residents. When I arrived back to my office, I sent a note to the chair of internal medicine to apprise him of her superb care. He wrote me back: “Yes, Dr. B is the crown jewel of the department of internal medicine.”

Now let’s leave my story for a minute and examine a new study in the BMJ from the University of Michigan on patient preference for physician attire. This is a survey of a convenience sample of 4,000 patients at 10 U.S. academic medical centers. It included both inpatients and outpatients, and used the design of many previous studies, showing patients the same doctor dressed seven different ways (scrubs, formal with white coat, etc.). After viewing the photographs, patients were questioned as to their preference of physician based on attire, as well as asked to rate the physician in the areas of knowledge, trust, care, approachability, and comfort.

The survey is well-designed and well-executed. I’ll let you review the paper if you want to know the results, since I don’t think the results have much validity, don’t merit much discussion, and I’ve blogged about these types of studies previously. I’m much more interested in why such studies are conducted, the biases they may represent, whether the researchers have an underlying agenda, the utility of the results, and how these studies are pathologic manifestations of professionalism.

Back to my story. Never once, before, during or after my clinic visit with Dr. B, did I for a millisecond think about how she would be or was dressed. Granted, I’m not the typical patient as I have insider knowledge regarding doctors that the average patient does not. Even still, all patients want an authentically kind, compassionate, competent doctor who listens intently, and makes access to them easy. While they may have a preference for physician attire, when placed in context (as shown in a previous study), appearance is the least important patient satisfier. When appearance is further studied, attire is the least important characteristic, with hygiene and grooming taking precedence.

To ask patients to infer characteristics such as knowledge and trust on the basis of clothing is ludicrous on its face, and an insult to the study participants. “I chose the doctor with the beautiful tie,” said no patient ever. I dislike this study for the same reasons that I dislike the tactics of Disney service excellence and Press-Ganey patient satisfaction initiatives. The common theme is that you can and should manipulate patients’ perceptions without changing reality. Per the Michigan study, a white coat makes the doctor look more caring, but all of us know that a jerk in a white coat is still a jerk. If the doctor sits down while talking to a patient, the patient will perceive that they stayed in their room longer. How about sitting down because it makes the patient more comfortable?

The authors argue for patient-centered care and that “attire may be an important, modifiable component of patient care.” How does this study help us to provide patient-centered care since no matter how the data were sliced there was always a sizable fraction (often nearly half) of patients that didn’t agree with the majority opinion? Does this mean we should ask each patient which of the seven attire modes they would prefer before entering the exam room?

Lastly, I don’t think this study is really about what patients think of how doctors dress. Underneath it all, it’s a study about what some doctors think about how other doctors dress. And this is the ugly side of professionalism. Imagine a study where physicians are surveyed on the attire of nurses or carpenters. I think most people would find that creepy. Don’t most of us think that judging people on the basis of how they dress is superficial and somewhat creepy? And the test of whether this is about professionalism is to remove the occupational label in the survey. If patients were told to assess the attire of other people (not doctors) what would be the study implications? If we look at attire through the lens of humanism rather than professionalism, then what matters is simply that your work clothes are clean, comfortable, functional, and safe.

My advice to the Michigan doctors is this: Take good care of your patients and they will love you, white coats and all.

Michael Edmond is an infectious disease physician who blogs at Controversies in Hospital Infection Prevention.

Image credit: Shutterstock.com

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