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classicjdiesandgoestohell · 8 months

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Extremely Unnecessarily Long Disjointed Ramble About My Identity

ive never felt happy with my queer identity at all. i know you dont need labels but being labeless wasnt freeing either, it never felt any better.. not any worse, but just the same feeling of ambivalence to my own existence.

one thing i never see discussed is the influence of community in how you describe yourself. this is so obvious, we talk about this with peer pressure and other personality traits, but its heavily affected my queer identity too. my sexuality has always been kinda fuzzy, ive been bouncing between being bi and lesbian and gay since the beginning of time, but between those 3 groups the appeal of the lesbian community was always so much higher. i liked the sense of closeness i never experienced in my trans/gay/bi identity, i liked how more trans inclusive it felt, my lesbian friends were always much more proud of their identities than other people, i liked the freedom of not being at all shackled to men. But i dont really know if lesbian fits my sexuality. no fucking clue. i just know socially id rather be a lesbian in social circles than anything else. i feel like an imposter almost. when i identify as bi i dont feel like an imposter, but im always really unhappy with the choice and feel like it doesnt accurately represent me at all. i dont feel like i relate to other bi people.

with my transness.. for 3 years i ID'd as a binary trans man. it never felt quite right, i felt like i didnt try hard enough to be a man, there were too many things i held onto from living as a girl that i didnt know if id ever want to let go. i switched to thinking of myself as nonbinary transmasc, not really at all connected to feminity but not strictly calling myself a man. this was alright but i always felt the indecisiveness of sometimes wanting to be a man and sometimes wanting to be free from it all together, it didnt feel good either. right now ive abandoned any notions of gender, just that im not a Girl, and whether that means im feminine or masculine or androgynous it doesnt matter. this is maybe the worst ive ever felt about my gender and has affirmed to me i probably am at least transmasc, if not completely a trans Man.

ive always rlly felt the shame of being transmasc. i feel like i betrayed womanhood or whatever even though i didnt fit into that either. i was an ugly obvious outlier in any space i tried to be a girl. i think id rather be a girl, i see the appeal of it so much more. i feel stupid for not wanting to be a girl when i enjoy the experience so much more. even though i Know identity is not something you choose, even though i Know every single person has a different thing thats right for them, it feels so much more justified to me to want to be a girl - whether you have to transition that way or were just born into it - than to want anything to do with masculinity. i dont know.

i have some internalized hatred to work out but it sucks when i see people reinforcing it. terfs call testosterone evil and talk about trans men betraying womanhood. transmascs frequently say stupid shit online (transmisogny, as well as generally being insanely discourse minded), and i know im not the monolith, im not the whole group, but it makes me feel stupid for wanting to be grouped with those people. this definitely ties into my completely unrelated issue of feeling personally responsible for shit that i didnt do, for people pleasing all the time and my desire to be liked by literally everyone. And then also in my head i go Ahhhh youre dividing people into arbitrary categories again... Youre deciding certain archetypes of transmasc suck even when you dont know the person personally and then i feel disappointed in myself again for being so generalizing. especially when i understand how they got to those conclusions or have thought them myself at some point.

now 90% of my friends are trans girls and its changed my perception of community again. i feel like transmascs dont have the same sense of closeness like that, or maybe we do, and i just dont feel it since i dont engage with my own community much anymore. maybe as an outsider i percieve more solidarity than actually exists (although between my friends & social media discourse im not at all unaware of infighting). maybe i just feel left out or lost wherever i go i guess. maybe it is just a me issue.

to add onto the i dont engage with my own community bit, i remember when i used to follow many transmasc artists and all their ocs and such were transmasc too. i strayed away from this for a few reasons. i remember some discourse in 2022 about how trans male artists get so much more attention online and how no one supports trans womens art, and i felt bad almost for engaging with my own community. i know that other peoples communities are not a threat to my own, and ive always supported trans womens art too, but i felt bad about the 1 single time i ever felt connected to other trans men. i felt bad consuming all this male content, and consequently stopped. that was also around the same time my sexuality shifted from feeling like a gay or bi man, to being a nonbinary lesbian, so i felt disconnected from a lot of gay transmasculine art as well.

a lot of my issue with identity is discourse and its so stupid man. i know its stupid to say out loud but constantly being surrounded by it gets to my head sometimes. it feels especially stupid as someone who doesnt even rlly engage with it, instead i just read thread after thread reply after reply and feel Bad with no outlet. i remember over the years seeing posts about how people drawing transmasc surgery scars felt empty and meaningless, because it didnt attempt to represent any other part of the transmasculine experience and i felt bad for enjoying that symbol. i loved seeing top scars in art and on people and then i felt weird about it, even though logically i know the importance of those things is not diminished by random people online saying its Hollow.

it always feels like discourse tries to pit trans men and women against eachother and it sucks. (with obvious exceptions, sometimes trans men really are ignorant & talking over or erasing transmisogny). ive never once with my transfem friends felt like i was at odds against them. learning other peoples experiences is extremely important to me, and ive often found we have very similar experiences too, even on stuff i wouldnt expect to have parallels for. it sucks that i literally go outside and touch grass everyday and interact with Real Queer People, and yet still the discourse worms infest themselves into my brain...

being completely unlabeled and being free is fine in a box, until im forced to adhere back to reality by the fact i live with other people. i can think of my own actions as genderless or etc in my own bubble, maybe even with friends, but when i go back into the world and am crammed and perceived into places i dont want to be, i feel bad again. maybe i havent experienced the true joys of being labeless when i still care about peoples perception of me. its hard not to when its your everyday at school and work.

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olivieraa · 4 months

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I'm at such a weird, weird place mentally. Like I'm just kinda floating around. And there's posts I wanna make about my feelings on specific things

Women for example

Rad-feminism seems very pro women, which is great, bc nothing else has ever been pro-women. Lib-feminism was anti-women without me knowing it during the years I was a libfem (again, didn't know I was a libfem, didn't even know there were different types of feminism)

And I was surrounded by only libfems. The most vocial obviously being Americans. And no matter how anti-American these American libfems are, they're still so insanely unaware how American they still talk and act, like the world revolves around them. Every single American friend I had on here had similar ways they wrote and spoke, just blissfully unaware that not everything that happens there happens elsewhere.

But anyway, yeah, I was very very VERY pro-women. To the point I felt like I was annoying. Esp when it came to violence against women. I was the only one in my corner being as anti violence against women as possible. Friends would "like" my posts, but a like doesn't always mean agreement. A like can just mean "I am a friend and I saw your post" or "hey I dont agree but I'm liking your post cause I want you to know I read it", etc.

I was rooting for women in every libfem way as well tho (tho I dont think these actually are pro-women), from being pro-stripper, to pro-porn star, pro-prostitution, pro-bdsmer, all these things. Always prioritising the women's choice and voice.

And then I... had an odd year. I moved away across the country for college. And I was in a dorm. And I honestly cant even explain how much I wasn't myself when I was there. I drank a lot, and I had an on and off again thing with what you would basically describe as an MRA. And had sort of a threesome with him and one of his female friends (and when I saw that he was an MRA, lets just say I was shocked he even HAD one female friend, a black liberal af feminist). Oh, and she loved being hurt during sex (not that I did it, he did).

Why the fuck did I partake in being with this guy? And anything he did? Honestly, I feel like I'd need to bring an essay into a therapist to explain it and I still dont think they'd understand.

Like, ok... how to even sort of explain. Gender posts and sexuality posts have been cringy for a long time now. With people making up a new type for each per day. From being cloudgender to acronymsexual. Its insane.

But......... I've never... ever related to someone's sexuality before. I dont relate to being straight, lesbian or bi. And I thought pansexual fit until but Ive heard 5 different definitions for it and then asexual but Ive heard about 50 definitions for that so I've never been able to explain it.

What I experienced during that odd year was an attraction to the freedom I was experiencing. The location I was living in. Not... the people I engaged in sexual acts with. I projected these things onto them. I projected my freedom onto human people, especially the guy, and became kind of addicted to being around him, despite knowing deep down I didn't like him as a person. I kept questioning why the fuck a feminist like me would go near someone who stood for everything I hated. He made me hate women. He made me jealous of other women.

And it took about 2 years before I started feeling normal again after this happened. To not look at women with this hatred. (and yet, still remained protective of women, but also extremely jealous and always wondering "oh I bet HE would be attracted to her" and "oh she's SO doing that for male validation")

So I recovered from that weird year, but... I never went back to myself before that year. Which is why not even radical feminism fits me. Women... annoy me too much. I literally cant keep defending them and boiling it down to internalised misogyny and heteronormativity still being so prevalent.

I was there when TikTok started. Two years before it blew up. And it was thanks to that male from that weird year. He showed me what he looked at and it was very VERY anti-women. At the time there was about 12 tiktok trends, yeah, ONLY 12. And most were about sexualising women or telling women to get back in the kitchen, or hurting women. And women and young girls were the ones predominantly taking part in them. Belle Delphine was rising on there, this woman who is so anti-women and perpetuates the worst misogyny and is causing women to hate themselves, but rad feminism will tell me "oh its not her fault tho!"

No......... no it is her fault. I absolutely cant stand her. And any woman like her. For women like her I truly dont believe in the idea that she's being socialised to act like that. She absolutely loves making fun of women and making men happy.

And unfortunately in this day and age, its so insanely common. Women are constantly defending and sticking up for men, during a time when their eyes should be waaaaaay more fucking open by now. So I just cant do it. I cant love women like I used to. I'm still as protective over women as I was, but liking them... is a different story.

I'm hoping I'm going through a phase. And I'll be different in 2 years. And regret this mindset and making a post like this. Maybe my judgement is clouded, and I need to start seeing other things, to bring me to a more radfem mindset. But I'm defo not a libfem, and I lean into radfeminism, but I defo cant be one, unless I combat this hurdle.

I dont like women that much, but I cant stand men. That's where I'm at.

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rivetgoth · 2 years

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I think for me transsexuality is just like. very physical and not very mental, if that makes sense which it probably doesnt. One of the biggest primary things that kept me from being able to actually come out as trans confidently was the terminology that the community was switching over to at the time ie. replacing terms like transsexual with transgender or replacing sex reassignment surgery with gender affirming surgery, replacing ftm with trans man, the prevalence of terms like transmasculine to refer broadly to any afab person who identified with anything broadly considered “masculine,” this would have been back in like 2013 or early 2014 when i first recognized that i was vaguely “not female” but didnt have a full grasp on myself and what i actually wanted yet.

i think so much of the trans community discusses identity and “gender” as this like. mental thing, or even societal thing, this idea or this concept thats intangible and like. thats all fine but i feel like i never necessarily had a relationship to this idea of gender or one’s gender being changed or affirmed by various means. my desire to transition came from a physical discomfort with my body and any desire for differing treatment socially came from the awareness that i was being treated in accordance to my physical body and how people perceived it, when it wasnt the body I wanted at all to begin with. Like. uh. I remember my early questioning as a young teen and preteen usually was stuff like, “if I could just step into a machine and immediately change my sex to male I would but its not worth the trouble of transitioning and having to undergo these big surgeries and hormones” and frequently trying to like, mentally bargain with the universe basically being like “i would HAPPILY be a woman if i could just have a male body.” etc.

in a world where gender didnt exist i would still be trans because i would not be able to live a comfortable fulfilling happy life in the body i was born with, regardless of how we conceptualized gender or identity or pronouns. if i lived in a society where every human being used she/her pronouns and was called girl i wouldnt care abt that but i would still have been literally unable to have healthy relationships with other people until i had my top surgery. i still wouldnt have been able to even jerk off without feeling suicidal until I was on T.

stuff like being misgendered or treated “like a girl” is purely like, the social reminder of my physical self and as ive transitioned further and further towards a body i’m happy with the blow has been lessened to being practically nonexistent, altho i still dont like. want to be called a girl lol i still would like to be perceived as a man in society. i dont feel any attachment to womanhood or being female and i never ever have. i never identified with being a lesbian or a bi woman, i never really had female friends, i always related to male characters and had primarily male friends and looked up to men, i never even really felt like the misogyny i experience/d was the same as the misogyny experienced by peers who identified with womanhood. but i also dont feel like womanhood or manhood or whatever is some complex deep intrinsic thing tied to sex or whatever idk.

i guess like, it harkens back 2 the fact that i feel like being nonbinary or genderqueer or whatever is almost inseparable from transness, even if you are by definition “binary.” I dont actually think nonbinary/binary is a binary lol. i think my identity is so tied to like, my physical body, and my desire to craft my body into something i actually feel comfortable with, to create an exterior that matches what i feel on the inside, my dysphoria manifesting as something similar to phantom limbs or severe dissociation and disconnect, and by EXISTING in society as someone who is transitioning and transsexual thats not going to exist in a binary.... especially as like, a bisexual man, and as someone who has fully decided by choice to keep my vagina and enjoys being penetrated by men and women alike, like that alongside an identity that is contingent on the physical being makes me feel kind of innately “not binary,” even if i dont identify as “nonbinary.”

i dont think sex is binary. i think its something that is very much mutable and changeable and its also not really a real construct, like there are objective realities found in nature of basic expectations of different sexes but theres literally no reason that these things need to be permanent and unchangeable, i feel like i DO relate to the concept of both defying my natal sex as well as changing it, hence the terms like transsexual, ftm, or sex reassignment like, resonating much more than anything 2 do with “gender” which i dont really even feel a connection to. when have trans people ever been fully given the privilege of being perceived as a certain gender? i dont even feel like cis lgb people fully have that privilege. being kinky and gay and trans its like abundantly clear how much of these identities are hinging on cishetero reproduction and the nuclear family and if i dont have access to or the desire to partake in any of that then what does being a man or being a woman even mean?

idk. this is very rambly and i dont necessarily expect it to make sense or for everyone to read it, but its just a lot of thoughts i have about gender and sex and shit. i feel like my identifying as stuff like “a trans man” and sometimes even a man at all feels like... out of.... practicality? because its the best easiest way to convey an innate desire to change and shape my physical self and how i want to be perceived by society. i feel as much “male” as like, the way society perceives male animals lol, like contingent on the preconceived notions of a physical reality that i am actively choosing to manipulate and change. gender isnt something i feel like i have much relationship to, i dont even really relate to like, masculinity or femininity really, as concepts, i dont relate to the term transmasculine for that reason, i wouldnt even call my presentation inherently masculine or feminine, and i think in part that has to do with being goth too, as ive said before goth presentation is genuinely, unironically very different than non-goth gender nonconformity and its literally perceived differently both within the community and at large lol. like i feel like as masculine as someone like nivek ogre or al jourgensen but it feels kinda jarring to realize that they themselves fit the definition of “gnc” by most people’s standards. hm. idk!

i wish i could just look like this

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timeplayed · 3 years

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idk if any of my followers know this, but im aroace and also bi.

tw for aphobia, talking about sex (third paragraph), sexual assault/abusive relationships (last three paragraphs)

i think that like, defining my sexuality in terms that is not aroace as a catchall is difficult and i dont really want to, but if you WANT to know the specifics of me being aspec its:

i dont feel sexual attraction or romantic attraction in large amounts, and if i do its on a very very rare occasion. but i dont consider myself demisexual and demiromantic, or greyromantic and greysexual. neither resonate with me as much as aro/ace does. so i identify as aroace. i am aroace

but, theres a big impact on me being aroace versus a lot of my friends being some form of allosexual/alloromantic. whenever they talk about how hot and “sexy” they find someone, or how much they want to date someone, and i SEE them, i can get why but also i dont get why, from my own, personal standpoint. or something like that. and whenever i dont get something, or get confused, i get UPSET. i hate not knowing things, so i try and make myself feel attracted to the person. i dont get it.

and ive VERY rarely felt fully attracted to things other than fictional characters- dont consider this “fictosexual” or whatever people call it- i do have the full capability of being attracted to a person, i just very rarely do. i want to be happy with someone i have a deep connection with, is all.

but even then ive only been fully attracted to like, one character? two? one of them is dave strider (who was a big part of my identity, actually, and still is if it isnt obvious)

being aroace really like... hit. during middle school. i didnt get why people wanted to show off- i had anxiety, yes, and i wanted to seem presentable (though never really doing it)- but i never got why people wanted to look ATTRACTIVE. i know people make jokes about “haha i was always more focused on my grades but i didnt really care for looking nice” but thats what happened to ME (that is until i developed severe issues with my appearance from continuously being TOLD that i wanted to look nice for people, and that i just didnt know it yet)

and then a big amount of aphobia hit me when i started dating (i just WANTED to be in a relationship and it got me into some tricky stuff, i hated most of my relationships)

when i was about eleven, i already went through about four partners. a fucking eleven year old, going through four partners. ive had more because i was stupid, but think about that. an eleven year old dating 4 people.

and most of those were SEVERELY toxic relationships. one manipulated me, and i didnt realize because i feigned some form of infatuation that i believed was real. the other one sexually assaulted me. and the other one? got mad at me for saying i was asexual so i couldnt feel sexual attraction towards him. i dont even REMEMBER the other relationship, but it was a.. bit better than that, probably

but this was all because i didnt realize i wasnt attracted to them and didnt realize it was bad and couldnt cut them off. because i was experiencing a severe case of compallo and i thought it was NORMAL. and i thought it was NORMAL for all this to happen when it wasnt.

like, fuck. being aroace can cause some severely traumatizing situations for you. saying “aphobia doesnt exist” is fucking stupid

#strider speaks #aroace #aromantic #asexual #ace #aro

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transrightsjimin · 4 years

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i want to make a list of very real and funny or interesting bts concert related events that i experienced, mainly focusing on the nice ppl ive met!! bc i have honestly focused too much on the bad shit due to poor venue organizers. the list would include stuff like

- meeting a couple of visitors (i mean def armys but also they went there for various acts) at night before the kcon paris convention building (2016, but i mean there was only one kcon paris) and meeting them again when walking towards the queue for the concert section, where they brought me over "because we became friends earlier today right? ;)" and they brought me to like a little beyond the 500th spot where ppl stopped numbering visitors in the line. when someone from behind us came near us to accuse us of cutting in line they were so protective nd didnt even allude to me not being part of their group despite me not knowing them well nor understanding their language and i just. i could just sit there it was wild.

- meeting @yeonjunicorn who was beside me at that spot, chilling by a tree. also i do still love when we linked arms w you and your dad and those girls when the hall opened nd we didnt want anyone to lose each other in the crowd like holy shit that was intense

- recognizing a guy from an anime convention maid cafe i used to work at (dont ask) nd telling him abt how hoseok drew my name in a lottery and said it and stuff nd how excited i was, nd he was just like. ok. IGZSAUFSFI LIKE DUDE i felt almost like i shared something that wasnt even that big of a deal judging by his reaction

- meeting a very flamboyant gay army in a group of lgbt army at night when queueing (amsterdam 2018). he asked me nd my friend who we thought his bias was. she said jimin nd he said no nd made me guess. he wore his blanket over one shoulder like it was a huge roman emperor robe and i said jin. correct

- two girls later on near us in the queue being similarly cringed out by ppl behind us singing really loudly nd poorly, not liking the cops that arrived, and buying us dinner despite not even knowing each other well. i regret to this day not talking to them more bc omg they were truly angels 🥺🥺 i should gain more confidence nd just ask ppl more abt adding them online or smth so i dont lose all these kind ppl ive met!!

- people behind us going so through it with queueing nd having not slept that they went there nd joked that the next bts era after love yourself and speak yourself would be called pee yourself 😭😭 nooo

- meeting a belgian army earlier that day nd talking w her bc @trespassers-will liked her bi flag and stuff.

- a year later in 2019 saint-denis day 1 i happened to walk into the belgian army again, not at all expecting it bc initially she'd only go to london, nd we chatted and it turned out we were both about to pick up our confiscated lgbt flags (mine trans, hers bi) at the same booth like HOW in the hell did that happen

- before the arena opened i went up to an army who dressed fully in Angelic Pretty stuff and i chatted w her bc i went to the AP store the day before and like lolita fashion etc and it turned out she didnt even go to the concert that day but the next but wanted to just go to the venue nd walk around. i was very confused at first bc shes white nd spoke french but she actually lived in a south asian country but stayed w someone in paris. also she said she wanted to get into the japanese fancafe so she could attend a japanese bts concert bc those had the best setlists nd amazing organization nd also jist fun insider content on the fc thats hard to find outside it. we had a fun time listening to the soundchecks echoing through to the outside of the stadium.

- meeting up the day after 2019 bts w a czech army ive known from tumblr for a few years (though she deleted her blog) nd saw once before, nd we would meet up at a mac donalds near a certain metro station in paris but there were like 3 of those near it so i kept walking wrong nd tried to rush and fell hard on the pavement and scraped my knee like a dumbass?? but anyway we had 1 hour to meet up before i had to travel to my train again and we had a rly fun time just talking, mainly about university systems and fascism, in particular japanese nationalists i guess bc shes read abt the weird theories those spread?? it sounds weird but it was fun to meet her

- unexpectly meeting two french armys in the metro, who were wearing buttons w my illustrations on it as i had given away a bunch the day before w a belgian army, nd the girls were so sweet nd were ok w me taking a pic of them w the buttons nd i was just so giddy

- once back in rotterdam at the train station i stopped by a drugstore to get some stuff and the cashier told me she liked my (bts) shirt and said she went to see bts earlier that week in london?? dggjfh

#rambles #positive tag

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haledamage · 5 years

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For Kira! #3, 12, 15, 20, 37, 49, 60, 70, 87, 99?

3. What is their biggest motivator?

My gut instinct is to put “spite,” but actually Kira may be my only OC that isn’t entirely driven by spite. Her biggest motivators are probably compassion and the pursuit of knowledge. Not so much the desire to learn or to know things, but the desire to understand.

Kira wants to help - to help people, to help make her corner of the world a little brighter. That’s why she became a cop, it’s why she took the promotion to Detective, and why she agreed to join the Agency and Unit Bravo. She helps in a hands-on way, reaching out a hand to pull people to their feet or standing between them and those that would hurt them, but she also does it by trying to learn and understand as much of the world as she can. And now that she works with the Agency, there’s a whole new world to learn about, to figure out how best she can help them too. She may never realize it, but I fully expect her to become That Human for a lot of the supernaturals at the Agency - you know, “I hate humans except for That One”

But also, occasionally, spite. She’s still mine, after all :P

12. How do they like to dress?

Answered here :D

15. What is their greatest achievement?

So far, probably becoming a Detective.

She had planned to take the tests and try to become one in her own time once she felt she was old enough/wise enough/experienced enough, though obviously it didn’t work out that way. Still, she feels honored that she was considered the best candidate for the job. She was worried that she wouldn’t be respected. The only person at the station younger than her is Douglas, plus the simple fact that she’s probably pretty known around town, if only as “Rebecca’s daughter” or “the Kingston girl” so she thought the town would treat her like a kid pretending to be a cop, but that hasn’t been the case at all. The first time she got “yes, ma’am”’d probably made her giddy lol

20. Fears?

She’s scared of needles, now. She didn’t used to be, but the Agency’s blood tests, followed by Murphy’s experiments, and then a few weeks in a hospital on an IV… yeah, she isn’t great with needles anymore.

She’s also scared of closed in spaces, not so much claustrophobic as she is scared of the inability to move. Being bound or trapped and forgotten. Also made worse by Murphy’s experiments, unfortunately.

37. When was the last time they cried?

Probably at a book she read tbh

I can’t think of any major recent events in her life that would have made her cry, but she doesn’t fight it when the tears come for whatever reason, so… yeah. Probably at a book or movie. Emotional catharsis is good.

49. Do they like surprises?

She doesn’t mind them. She’s a very observant person, so it’s hard to pull the wool over her eyes, so when someone does manage to she’s probably delighted.

60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at?

She loves sarcasm. The snarkier the better.

70. Which TV Trope(s) best describes them?

Badass Normal seems an obvious one. So is Bi the Way and Southpaw because, y’know, she’s mine. Besides those:

The Face - definitely as her role as Detective, but considering Nate is the only member of UB with any social skills, she’ll probably end up playing this role for them too.Sir Swears-A-Lot - again, because she’s mine.The Alleged Car - obviously, The Car is kind of a hunk of junk, but I’ve stated before that Kira paid more for her favorite pair of boots than she did for her beloved car.

There’s probably (definitely) a lot more, but if I get lost on TV Tropes I’ll still be there days from now.

87. What is their age?

At the beginning of Book 1, she’s 25. She turns 26 on 28 April 2018, between books 1 and 2 :) which makes her born in 1992, which for some reason makes me feel ancient

99. Biggest accomplishment?

I feel like there’s some overlap here with greatest achievement, as she would probably say becoming a Detective here, too.

But actually, I think joining the Agency was more personally fulfilling. It’s something she worked for, something she really wanted, instead of just having it handed to her.

Plus, it brings with it a sense of belonging that I don’t think she’s ever had before. She’s lived in Wayhaven her entire life, but has always felt just a little bit apart. A big fish in a little pond. She knows a lot of people, but she doesn’t really have a lot of friends, and those she does have outside the Agency - Tina and Verda - aren’t Wayhaven natives. Tina moved there as a teenager, but was homeschooled, so she and Kira didn’t meet until they were paired as partners at the police department. Verda has only been in town a few months, but he’s a work-friend-turned-real-friend too.

Unit Bravo is different. Obviously. Part of it is because it gives Kira a chance to really connect with her mother, who she’s always been close to but, again, just a bit apart from. Not anymore, though - the Kingston women are going to be a force to be reckoned with. But with the rest of them, it’s less work friends to real friends and more… work antagonists to real friends. They skipped past the work friends part. It went from “why are these assholes in my office, I shot one of them already and am not afraid to do so again” to “I refuse to leave them even in order to save my own life” in what, a month and a half? Two months?

So the fact that over the course of those two months she proved herself enough that the Agency wanted to keep her around, that UB made an excuse to stick around even though they’re one of the best teams at the Agency and could have easily pawned “Kira Babysitting Duty” off on a lesser team, that she’s now a member of said team… yeah, that feels pretty fucking accomplished.

#rhitober #day 26 #these questions have really solidified in my mind #that I love kira kingston a whole lot #and this combined about yesterday's news about wayhaven chronicles from sera #about book 2 on the verge of being submitted and as such will be released soonish #you will be seeing a lot more of her #maybe even over the rest of the month ;)#these were some really interesting questions #I'd apologize for the length of the answers but I wouldn't mean it #thank you for the prompt ranna! <3 <3 <3 #rannadylin

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chimcharstar · 5 years

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1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

#chatty tag

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boojersey · 5 years

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VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

#LONG POST #KAY I LOVE U BUT HOLY SHIT MY FOLLOWERS ARE GONNA GET MOTION SICKNESS FROM SCROLLING PAST THIS AT LIGHTNING SPEED #saltwaterfox

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menalez · 5 years

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how did you parse the difference between true attraction to men and comp het? i’ve identified as bi for a long while and even dated men, but i feel like the more i look at it, it was just comp het and coping with trauma by being hypersexual rather than true attraction. i know you’ve mentioned vaguely similar issues before, so how did you figure it out?

the first hint for me was being so attracted to a girl in my school that i felt almost confused by it, like What is this feeling??? what does it mean?? and after talking to my then-boyfriend, i realised it was attraction (thanks to him. he’s the one who said “now you can understand how i feel about you” when i told him about it). i remember back when i was questioning whether im a lesbian, id obsessively take sexuality tests over and over again. i followed the “compulsory heterosexuality” and “comphet” tag on tumblr and would read the experiences of other women who’ve experienced similar. id think through my history with men, and compare my “attraction” to them to my attraction to women. id ask myself: WHY do i think im attracted to men? what are signs of me being attracted to men? and as i broke it down i realised i did not find male bodies attractive nor appealing whatsoever nor have i ever, i realised that i actually grew up confused by people’s interest in male bodies, that all my sexual encounters with men were traumatic and unenjoyable to me regardless of what they did, that the only times i enjoyed partaking in sexual activities with men was when id close my eyes and fantasise that the person between my legs was a woman, that i hardly found men physically attractive & at most could appreciate it in the rare cases that i found a man who’s Very good looking (but even then it never translated to attraction, it was moreso “wow, he looks so good! how does he do it?”), i noticed just how different my attraction to women was in comparison, i realised that i felt so much shame & disgust over any interaction i had with men even tho i had no reason to feel that way, i could never imagine a future with any men that was a happy one. like it was always such a depressing idea of the future and such a hopeless one too & i didn’t understand Why that was back then, my attraction to men was almost a choice like “ok... he likes me. ill like him then” or “he seems good looking. ok i have a crush on him now” but it was never natural or automatic the way it was for women, id find features relating to males nauseating or unattractive (their chests, the way their body hair looks, their frame, their voices, their genitals, their hips, their facial hair, etc), and i also noticed that men did not cause me to feel any arousal nor any kind of romantic feelings. i thought about my entire life & everyone ive been attracted to, comparing it to what i knew was genuine attraction (my attraction to girls & women throughout my life) to the attraction i was unsure of. i came to realise most men i “liked” were ones i “liked” bc i actually liked their girlfriends or the women they’re interested in, what i perceived as jealousy of the other women was actually jealousy of the men. i noticed that most men i “liked”, i spent far more time thinking of the women somehow involved with them, than the men themselves. what i thought were “butterflies” bc of some sort of attraction to men were actually just discomfort and anxiety. a lot of it, i realised, was just me trying to feel normal among my (girl) friends who were quite into boys.

but honestly the real way i became sure of it was when i took someone’s advice on tumblr stating that i should sleep w men and focus on how i feel and whether im enjoying the sexual situation or not. it said something like “centre yourself and allow yourself to experience it fully”. for once, i had sex with a man without allowing myself to dissociate or fantasise about someone else. it was horrible & torturous and i distinctly remember crying afterwards and just wanting it to end so badly throughout, it felt similar to my rape almost and i wouldn’t recommend for anyone questioning that they may be a lesbian to go through such lengths. but by the time i did it, i knew that i was a lesbian and am in no way, shape, or form interested in men. i don’t think it was worth it bc i would’ve figured it out at some point anyways without essentially retraumatising myself.

#i remember having vaginal pain (?) for like. 2 days after.

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womanism · 6 years

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Hello @viuolet !

intro

Bpd (borderline personality disorder) is a personality disorder marked by emotional, interpersonal, self, behavioral, and cognitive dysregulation. BPD is a heavily stigmatized disorder, and is known to be the most unstable of the 10 personality disorders. pwBPD are more likely to face issues with addiction, and alcoholism.

abandonment

a trademark of bpd is the very strong fear of real or imagined abandonment. Many borderlines read neutral or bland tones as anger, or annoyance.

EX: "s/he didnt look at me the way s/he normally does. s/hes mad at me." this induces panic. or, "s/he didn't text back with a smiley face or hasnt responded in (x min) s/hes mad at me and is going to leave me s/hes bored of me."

then this can often lead to behaviors that are toxic like self harming, because people who care about you will see you hurting and come to your side for comfort, and so in such a panic a pwbpd is likely to continue in a bad cycle of self harming when feeling they are being abandoned. (note, as a pwbpd myself i know this isn't usually done intentionally. the emotional wound is just too much to take and sometimes it was a coping method for that, so I understand.)

psychosis

its also common for pwbpd to experience psychotic symptoms. noted they are often quasi-psychotic(which is a fancy way of saying the psychotic epieode doesnt usually last more than a few days)

self destructive behaviors

another symptom is having suicidal thoughts, doing actions of self harm, drinking and alcoholism, abusing drugs, binge shopping sprees, binge eating, unsafe sex with strangers etc.

identity

a pwbpd has a terrible lack of self, of identity. personally for me, i showed symptoms as a child, and for the first 6 years of my life i wanted to be a boy. always in the boy section. always calling myself by boy names. when I played with my friend i was always the dad/husband/brother. after that i felt i was a lesbian, but then i had a crush on a boy and i realized i was a bi, with a strong preference for women, and then i tried to suppress it (like when my dad forced me to suppress wanting to be a boy)

ive gone from extremely preppy or super goth. ive been high maintenance and low maintenance. a dare devil whos confident and a social recluse. who i am, how i type, my hair color, my style, my obsessions, all change very quickly.

Emptiness, and an intolerance to boredum.

most pwbpd report experiencing extreme boredum or feeling empty/hollow or "like a shell".

the brain

in borderline brains, the part which regulates emotions is too small. this means it works in max overdrive, resulting in the terrible Emotional Dysregulation.

comorbidities (co-occuring)

commonly mdd, gad, sad, eating disorders, ptsd, bipolar disorder

conclusion

so im really high trying to make this but I hope it helped!!!!!!!

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #actually bpd #actually borderline #psychosis #psychotic #ptsd #mdd #ed #anxiety #ask #q & a

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psychologyhermione · 6 years

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How did you realize you were bi? (I'm ace myself.)

I would say I’ve always known but just repressed it; i felt like i wasnt ‘bi-enough’ (cue eye roll) due lack of experience, ect, so thought i was better as an ally and always shut down thoughts of me being bi. Like one of my first crushes was on my girl best friend, ive always been attracted to girls and have always been open to being in a relationship with a girl - however, i never let myself consider the fact that i was bi due to feeling ‘not bi-enough’ and experiencing bi-erasure/phobia throughout my life in social circles. Through out my teens, I completely repressed my sexuality in general, yes even towards guys, because i wasn’t comfortable with who i was. This actually lead me to thinking i was potentially ace (let me stress that this was just my experience) even though i knew i didn’t fit the label. I know now that due to me repressing my sexuality towards girls, i was also repressing it towards guys because I could not repress one part of my attraction without repressing it as a whole (again this is just my experience, im not saying everyone experiences this). Once i realised this within myself everything just made sense haha - like all my experiences and inner feelings just made so much more sense after figuring out that i was just repressing my feelings. I have to say, talking to a friend who has had similar experiences really helped me work though all of this. I know i have the capacity to fall in love with a women just as much as a man (or even a non-binary person) and it makes me really happy that i can now say that : )

#answered

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apptowonder · 4 years

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On the Inherent Chaotic Queer Energy of “Cats” (No, Really)

In Which the Author Relates His Early Affinity For the Musical Cats, And Meditates in Rapt Contemplation On Its Effect On His Own Queer Coming of Age.

Ok, I’ll drop the Eliotian/Victorian pretense. But in all seriousness, this is going to be a long ramble on the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Cats, because I saw the recording of the 1998 Broadway performance again for the first time in probably 14 years and it made me Feel Feelings (tm). Plus a comrade of mine expressed similar enthusiasm and it inspired me.

I -- First Viewing

When I was 10 or 11 years old, for a brief period after seeing Cats for the first time at a local dinner theater production, I was enamored in ways I couldn’t put into words. I was not, and have not really ever been a theater queer. I did a few plays up through high school, and stopped doing theater in college when I lost interest and found out it would take time away from gospel choir. But there was something about the way these characters moved, the charisma they carried themselves with that stuck with me. Unlike some of my queer friends, I don’t have the sense that “I always knew” I liked boys as well as other genders. As a tween, I felt very aloof from romantic interest except for one long-lasting crush on a girl in 5th grade that lasted through middle school. But as I continue to look back, I do think I felt a certain stirring in my gut for certain charismatic male figures, almost like an imprinting. Early affection and crushes manifested in a desire to be like the attractive heroes I admired.

I wanted to be Mr Mistofelees, the Original Conjuring Cat. I also wanted to be Munkustrap, the unassuming but brave and suave narrator, unofficial leader of the Jellicle Tribe. Honorable mention goes to the Rum Tum Tugger, whose rock star persona definitely exudes bi energy, but he felt less approachable to me. In any case, though I didn’t realize it at the time, something was very queer about these cats.

II -- On the Naming of Cats -- Munkustrap

Why I felt drawn to this character is hard to sum up. He doesn’t have his own song, his name is only listed in the program. But he does have considerable stage time. Serving as the narrator and Master of Ceremonies for the Jellicle Ball, right-hand man to Old Deuteronomy, and the only cat willing to go toe to toe with Macavity, he had a certain gravitas that I found compelling. He is humble, as I strive to be. Caring and protective of his family, but not overly aggressive. Confident, but not overbearing. He seemed that he would be the perfect gentle lover, someone who could take you to new and unexpected places but would also make sure that you were safe and loved.

On a deeper level, perhaps my identifying with this character was a kind of rehearsal for the years to come. Munkustrap served as both the boy I wanted to meet and the boy I wanted to be. When I came out and became invested in queer community and queer Christian community especially, I found myself slowly falling into the role of psychopomp and threshold guardian for some of my gayby Christian friends who were either newly coming out or newly trying to reconcile their faith and sexuality. I would direct them to apologetics resources, but I think my greater strength was in being a kind of MC who would invite them into a new queer reality, a celebration of the richness of life and a vision of the vastness of both theology and queer vibrancy. In a sense, I invited them to a Jellicle ball.* I would invite them to dance beneath the moon of our shared experience, and show to them that far from being incomplete or broken, they had their own power and beauty, were possessed of “Terpsichorean powers” which would serve as a mysterious gift to the wider world.

The first boy I dated was a Munkustrap. Gentle, but fun-loving. Willing to meet me where I was, but also encouraging me to new heights of intimacy, feeling and adventure. Though we eventually parted ways, we remained good friends, and I will be forever grateful to him for leading me from an abstract appreciation of my queerness to a deeply embodied possession of it that I can now live out for the glory of God and the good of humanity, like a cat has a deep embodied possession of its third and secret name.

III -- On the Naming of Cats -- Mr. Mistoffelees

“Oh, well I never! Was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees?”

Coming in at the eleventh hour to save the day, Mr. Mistoffelees employs his magical powers to rescue Old Deuteronomy when all other help fails. In the production I saw, he literally flies down onto the stage (on a wire) and proceeds to produce phantasmagorical phenomena and easily conjures up the kidnapped patriarch of the Jellicle Tribe from the place he’s been sequestered. He is flashy, elegant, flamboyant, coy, “aloof” but always fun-loving. Perhaps more importantly, in all the performances I’ve seen, he seems elegantly attuned to some deeper sixth sense. Beneath the playful surface is a deep power that manifests in impressive ways. The show relays his power through the metaphor of stage magic, but to me he also seemed to have a touch of something mystical, spiritual. I felt both awe and affection for that sensitive attunement, and how it was packaged in such a playful personality.

In my own life as queer clergy, I have sought to develop that kind of attunement. Though spirituality is a bit slower and more messy than conjuring, I have received compliments from colleagues queer and straight that I often speak the exact right prayer for the needs of a given moment. I write poems and try to breathe new life into the life-giving stories of my spiritual tradition, my life and the lives of my queer tribes. I’m always eager to come up with an impromptu liturgical service when circumstance dictates, and I draw on vocabulary from the saints and mystics as well as my own love of language and poetry. Playfulness is, to me, a spiritual virtue, and I love to offer inspiring surprises from the depths of the wisdom I have inherited from those who have gone before. When friends (especially queer Christian friends) are stuck in demoralizing binaries and limited horizons of purity culture, toxic theology, or other spiritual burdens, I will often pull a shimmering anecdote from the lives of the saints, or an ancient word of curiosity that opens up a new way of seeing the world. In a way, I’m pulling kittens out of hats.

Ironically but also fittingly, when I kept my queerness under wraps, my poetry was vivid but strained. Overwrought, often melancholy but rarely insightful. And I would pray when someone asked me to, but it generally consisted of generic requests that didn’t really mean much to me. I had to become fabulous and be willing to be in touch with the queer wonder of both my loves and my experiences before I began to really tap into that spiritual current that I am still learning how to channel for the life of the world. I’m still a beginner, and in my day to day life I’m fairly quiet and introspective. Aloof, perhaps. But I feel that my openness to queer joy, queer eros and queer vibrancy have begun to throw open a way to my own wholeness and the invigorating and revival of many of my communities. I don’t do this alone, and I am still learning from my many queer elders and forerunners. As I study and practice and bring forth vision, I continue to learn “from Mr. Mistofelees’ conjuring turn.”

At Pride a year or two ago, I met a Mr. Mistofelees of sorts. A pagan boy, playful and flashy, with a golden voice. He ended up being a bit too flighty for me, but he helped me find a bit more of my flamboyant side by getting me to do karaoke, and introducing me to the queer night life in a new city. In our own separate ways, we both helped each other I think be deeper attuned to that electric queer energy that flows into creativity, presence, wonder and resilience like lightning flows from Mistofelees’ fingertips. We pranced about our respective stages and conjured beauty for one another.

IV -- Memory (Some Thoughts on the Queerness of the Musical, and Some Final Reflections)

And what of the musical as a whole. What is it about Cats that struck such a chord with my very young queer self, and still does?

To me, it has an energy to it that resonates very deeply with queer experience. It delights in elevated pageantry, but it takes its own internal logic and way of being seriously. There is something about the mystery and spectacle of it that feels like a queer way of being. Despite the charge leveled against us by demagogues and queerphobes that we’re simply decadent, queer experience to me has always been about experiencing a heightened sense of reality, be that in adventure, sensuality, joy, beauty, celebration or pleasure. As the meme goes, before you say we’re too much, ask yourself, are you even enough?

Furthermore, the show is sensual and embodied in a way that many more conventional Broadway musicals aren’t. It delights in being just a little bit bawdy, while at the same time showcasing an excellence in the choreography and visuals that requires a good deal of skill and physical effort. In coming out and coming to know queer community, I began to listen better to my body and to be more comfortable in my own skin. To delight in the magic of touch and sensory beauty.

Finally, the sensuousness that undergirds the show also displays a very free flowing romantic and affectional subtext between different characters. Two cats may flirt or make eyes at each other, but there’s no expectation that they might not also catch the eye of a completely different cat in the next scene. They perform with a subtle erotic undertone that suggests both tenderness and hedonism, but all in the context of a tight-knit community that cares for its own. The fanfiction community for Cats presents a rainbow of different romantic pairings for various characters, and the lack of consensus as to which ones are “canon” speaks to the show’s affectational fluidity and dynamism.

In the end, the Jellicle cats all present a world within the everyday that is deeply queer and fluid, a “thin space” where personalities are larger than life and anything is possible. In this gay and mystifying romp, I was moved to a consideration in the years since I saw it of my own “secret names” as a future queer seminarian and priest (though I didn’t know it then). While it may seem bewildering to some, I continue to cherish it as a tribute to the great mysteries of queer existence, love and community. And that’s how you address us cats.

*Props to my comrade for extending on and fleshing out this metaphor in his blog post.

#cats #theology #queer theology #andrew lloyd webber #musicals #theology of media #theology of theater #biography #church #history #mister mistoffelees #munkustrap #rum tum tugger

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