#ive already done 3/5 this week so i dont Need to go. but its fun and its a nice start to the day. but it also means im pretty wiped by like

[edenicsin]

spell write-up: money box

(this is a very messy description of my long-term money spell. enjoy!)

first of all – i decided to do a money box instead of a money bowl for two reasons: i dont have that much space (and thus need to be able to fit things on top of other things), and im quite clumsy and prone to knocking things over on accident.

i bought a silk(?) piece of clotch to line a small box. the primary ingredients were rice, cinnamon, a drawn solar symbol, a written prayer, and possibly more herbs though i dont really remember. over time i added a LOT more things – cedar oil, basil, a key, flower petals, vanilla… basically anything and everything i had in the cupboard, in small amounts. not all of it was money-specific; sometimes i add things to bring peace to my financial matters, for instance. indeed i consider the variety useful in symbolizing multiple income sources.

i work the box every thursday during the hour of jupiter, usually first thing in the morning, since i think about december? january? the couple of times i missed it i would do it after sunrise on sunday. the standard procedure is lighting the designated candles, ‘mixing’ the contents while thanking the involved spirits (oh yeah i involved a number of entities in this) and burning incense as offering, adding something (new or more), continuing the mixing while talking specifically about what im currently in need of, thanking the sun and jupiter another time, closing the box and blowing out the candles (so the smoke may carry my wishes to the entities in question).

i actually dont really do specific petitions atm, hoping to add that to the repertoire in the coming weeks, along with writing more prayers (rn i just have the one). this has been my longest term magical operation (so far!) and i really want to continue it… functionally indefinitely, so it may change over time, as it already has.

the major conclusions are thus:

1. people are not kidding when they recommend a money Bowl. the effects are definitely strongest on thursdays, to the point where it feels like the universe conspires to bring me money Only on those days (very rarely on wednesdays). im hoping to move my workings to a nice bowl as soon as i have the space – possibly also work it more often? not sure how achievable that is for me, though.

2. a big container is a must, not because of the amount of contents but because of the ease of interaction it offers. though also because of the amount yes.

3. basil is awesome for bursts of cash when necessary; however…

4. this is definitely more of a long-term project than an emergency solution. ive noticed a significant build-up effect, where at the beginning it wasnt very strong but now its, well, bending reality for real. however, with the ingredients and work ive used and done its less so about specific amounts and moreso because of the opportunities it seems to generate – at least from my unemployed perspective. possibly very detailed petitions could work around it?

5. leaving cash in the box is not only good magically, it also makes it smll very good. this is a very fun thing when youre giving people cash n u see them go Huh?

i think thats the bulk of it? i dont want to be too specific just in case, but im open to answering questions if anyones interested. in conclusion, i would highly recommend this spell type(?), as long as you give it ample time to kick in. i imagine it could be adapted to a lot of traditions and practices!

[boypussydilf]

sherlock. what is it's gender. what is their deal. speak your trutg

oh dear with the state of my blog its now hard to tell when people walk up to me and say sherlock if they mean dgs sherlock the og or any of the several others ive started talking about. we need to like. color code them. anyway im gonna talk about dgs sherlock bc hes the one im most likely to have proper thoughts on and then probably also do one for mostly just. like. the general concept actually thinking about it i do have many thoughts on Non-DGS Sherlock i dont know why i allowed myself to think i didnt . i just get caught up in the bimbo dad but i like the entire folder hes stored in

dgs first tho <333333

Sexuality Headcanon: gay. Just gay

Gender Headcanon: If i had to make 1 decision. genderfluid <3 Sherlock Holmes (DGS) can fit so much gender in her !!!!!!!!!

A ship I have with said character: *looks at my blog* *looks at my pinned post* um i think you guys know . already. the only one i have . do i need to say it

A BROTP I have with said character: i mean. Iris. they r best friends for real ! they r like the most important people to each other ! they r this guy and their 10 year old daughter who packs peanut butter jelly sandwiches for them !!!

A NOTP I have with said character: im gonna be petty and say vanlock. i blocked the tag bc i got tired of seeing it. actually even moreso i like physically recoil when i see ppl shipping him with ryuu, it fucking. completely baffles me. like. nothing wrong with that. people who ship them aren’t weird in That sense. but theyre weird as in I can’t understand what compels you to do this . i dont like vanlock but i can Understand why people do i just got extra sick of it bc its semi common. i cant understand why people ship sherlock and ryuu. like youve misread the vibe badly. this is not it. oh dear god this just got 5 times as long as all the other sections of this fucking ask meme. power of being slightly annoyed sorry

A random headcanon: UHHHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD . I KNOW i have headcanons abou t this bitch he swarms around in my mind all the time. I am imagining Random Exploits of the DGS Cast on a daily basis where did the fucking Concepts and Ideas go. ill return to this once ive done everything else and see if i havent thought of anything fun by then. ive thought about it some more and my most recent thought on him has been like. she knows some russian and japanese right? actually a fucking lot of russian to be able to read entire newspaper articles but thats besides the point i just think that sherlock knowing several different languages is neat but, Like. its pure chance if she ever manages to learn enough to be able to …. use it. once every several months sherlock will get really really excited about a new foreign language and put in like 2 weeks of work before forgetting about it completely. he has the vocabulary of a very young toddler in half a dozen different languages and is remembering those vocabularies by sheer luck

General Opinion over said character: Im normal iam normal normal im normal and regular . im normal and im normal about him and i dont intend to put him under a microscope or anything. i am not putting him in a little plastic box and shaking him to find out what happens . *extends my hand ibuprofen style* who wants to speculate about dgs in hyperspecific ways with me. hello my like 3 dgs followers do you have thoughts on sherlock holmes. tell them to me. lets all be normal. Anyway uh hes funny

IVE GOTTEN THAT BITCH OUT OF THE WAY LETS TALK ABOUT …… im not even sure. The General Concept of Sherlock Holmes on a Wide Scale, which, like, ultimately probably just boils down to: acd holmes. time to get philosophical with it. thats not the right word.

Sexuality Headcanon: sherlock is either gay or aroace or some more specific combination of all previous terms. Hey does that… even count as headcanon? Ultimately my stance is “whatever as long as sherlock holmes is not interested in women” and it is stated very clearly explicitly and repeatedly in canon that sherlock holmes is not interested in women so . like.

Gender Headcanon: You know what’s funny is expressing disdain for women is an effective way to distance yourself from femininity in general, for instance, to assert masculinity as a trans man, or as a negative reaction to being a trans woman. So. Like.

A ship I have with said character: at first i was like “its just kind of an objective fact that sherlock and watson are gay but i dont have emotional investment in it” but that was a fucking lie

A BROTP I have with said character: SHERLOCK HOLMES DOES NOT HAVE FRIENDS. I DONT FUCKING KNOW, TOBY THE DOG?

A NOTP I have with said character: The next time an adaptation tries to make him and irene adler straight together im going to thr authors house and shooting them point blank. shut up shut up shut up shut up. they would NOT

A random headcanon: man i dont even fucking know. he probably eats food off the floor and i mean this genuinely

General Opinion over said character: Sherlock Holmes is the ultimate Little Freak. Like 80% of the joy of any sherlock holmes media is ��Watch this Freak Behave Oddly”. Some people think he would be hard to get along with personally i think we would make very good friends and i would love to hang out with the Freak.

Man. I hope this post isn’t actually as long and hard to look at as it looks in the mobile post editor. Unfortunately it probably is

[rrxnjun]

IM SORRY FOR ANSWERING SO SUPER LATE LIFE GOT SO HECTIC ALL OF THE SUDDEN☹️

STILL WITH THE TAKE THE STAIRS FIC U GAVE ME LIFE WITH IT ACTUALLY IT WAS SO NICE TO JUST TURN MY BRAIN OFF AND READ IT SO I THANK U FOR IT!! and like actually need a jaemin in my life istg!! AND THE SAME GOES FOR THE TEASER OF UR NEW CHENLE FIC!!! IT ALREADY SEEMS SO FUN!! SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!!! 🥳🤭

I AGREE I WOULD ALSO RATHER JUST GOOGLE THE END OF THE SHOW!!

AHH I HOPE U FOUND SOME ARTISTS SINCE THEN!!! AND THANK U SO MUCH FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF UR DAY AND TRANSLATING FOR ME!! IM SURE U ARE VERY BUSY AS WELL SO THANK U SO MUCH I REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!!!🥹🥹💝💓 and my god the lyrics are so☹️☹️☹️ it's just such a great song and now it even got so much better with understanding it!!!🥲

WELL IF IT DOES HAPPEN I WILL BE HERE XD parents smh /j (but like actually i understand them cuz traveling alone can be risky☹️) thank u i hope we will figure something out if it does happen🥹🥹

IM GLAD THAT U ARE DONE WITH ONE OF UR ESSAYS ALREADY!! AND I HOPE SINCE MY LAST ASK U STILL ARE DOING GOOD WITH UR SCHOOL WORK AND STUFF🥳

I LOVE UR POSTS THERE LMAO SO DONT BE SORRY and ofc i agree!!! zach was my fav from the why dont we boys🤭 OH MY I HAVENT HEARD ABOUT THE VAMPS IN AGES damn now i'm gonna go and listen to them😵‍💫(also saw that u turned into a treasure stan🫣 and ur take on jikjin!! it's such a great song glad u listened to it!!!)

(liebestraum anon💕 and sorry if i disappear again and for writing a lot i swear i will try and keep it short for once☹️)

AHH ITS TOTALLY OKAY!!!! cant say i didnt miss you but i ofc understand that u have your own life and responsibilities and such,, so dont worry about it🤍🤍 AND THANK U SM AGAIN!!!

DJDJSJ MY CHENLE FIC IS FUN BUT THEN IT GETS DEPRESSING REAL QUICK SO UHHH HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR SOME ANGST ;-; (also i started rewriting liebestraum. just thought i'd let you know<3)

im super glad u enjoyed my translation!! the lyrics are really screamable in my opinion,,, and i also hope i did them justice however i bet i did a better job than all of the ones i saw online :p its not the best artistic lyricism but i like it nonetheless DJSK sometimes u need simple songs to jam to.

travelling alone COULD be risky </3 me and my uni friends randomly travelled to vienna last week because it was warm out and we thought our seasonal depression was finally over and i love me some spontaneous decisions but also it was so anxiety inducing bc it was my first time going abroad with no supervision 😭😭 we had SO much fun but also the stress we were put through to find the bus platform back home ??? never again. was so bad that i broke my 5 month streak of not smoking bc i had to calm myself down somehow and then i was put through the stress of buying cigarettes in german when i caNT SPEAK GOOD GERMAN but 10/10 i would do it again and it made me more confident abt travelling with friends so i WILL drag my equally spontaneous uni friends to budapest as soon as i can. (please tell me they speak at least a little english there)

I AM ACTUALLY DONE W 4 ESSAYS NOW WHOOP WHOOP ‼‼‼ 4 MORE TO GO BUT IM DOING WELL NO STRESS SO FAR. HOPE YOUR SCHOOL IS GOING WELL TOO!

wait do u rlly bc i think im so annoying on there sometimes like girl chill😭😭 but ZACH WAS ALWAYS MY FAV TOO altho i did have a daniel phase. I havent listened to the vamps in ages either i should catch up or sum ;-;

omg dont mention the teumefication of bar i wont admit it to myself yet DHSKSK however jikjin is now my fav song and i fear seeing my 2023 spotify wrapped bc of it now. ive also been watching a concerning amount of treasure map and finding myself in love with jihoon but thats...not important rn.

ill be waiting for u liebestraum anon!!! dw abt sending long asks i always look forward to them🤍 hope your days are filled with joy mwah

[sodrippy]

im like...do i capitalize on this good energy and go to the gym tomorrow as well, or do i save my energy for dnd..choices choices

[nikrangdan]

photographer!ni-ki

pairing: photographystudent!ni-ki x gender neutral reader

genre: fluff, comedy

description: every time you went to the park you noticed a mysterious boy who would take pictures of the scenery on his cute little camera. you liked to see what he’d take pictures of from afar but one day you noticed his camera pointing straight at.. you

for ni-ki’s bday!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE <33 sorry i posted a day late but i hope u all enjoy!

———

“y/n!”

you groan before getting out of your bed at 10am

it was a saturday why was your mom yelling at u ..

you walked into the kitchen all sluggishly and rubbed your eyes

“you need to start taking suki on walks to the park. you need the exercise too.” your mom doesn’t even spare u a glance before walking out the door to run some errands

right

u forgot u were taking care of ur cousins dog while he was out of town... her name was suki

shes a little shiba inu AND SHES THE CUTEST THING EVER!!!!

WELP

u dont even have a choice anymore

u got somewhat ready before heading out with suki in your arms

shes so soft and fluffy

though u dont like to admit it, u kinda agreed with ur mom about u needing to exercise and get out the house

you’ve been cooped up in your room for days with no social or nature interaction

so

the park was about a 10 minute drive from ur house

and it was actually a really pretty park...

there was a lake and really pretty flowers everywhere and alot of gazebos and benches

and a nice open field of greenery

it basically looked like a park out of a movie

so you weren’t suprised that there was a decent amount of people there

but not too much thankfully.. or else you would’ve driven to another park with less people

you got out the car with suki and put her on the leash

let the walking begin!!!!

it was a really nice day out... the sun was shining but it wasnt too hot or cold

you led her onto the sidewalk and she began sniffing at the grass around her

whenever a few people would pass they would coo at how adorable she was

it wasnt until 5 minutes later that ur eyes locked onto a figure infront of the lake

you were just walking with suki in silence.. admiring the scenery

until u caught sight of a boy

u could only see his back but u noticed the camera over his shoulder

he was standing in one of those photographer poses where like one leg is bent and kind of out while his back is hunched to get that perfect angle of a shot

he was infront of the sidewalk railings where the lake begins and he was taking photos of the scenery across from it

it was a beautiful sight honestly

there was another sidewalk but behind it was colorful trees and blossoming flowers and bushes

u understood why he’d take pictures of it

you didnt see his face but u kind of acknowledged the boy before walking past him with suki

basically thinking he was just another passerby that you noticed making a single appearance in your life and never expecting to see him again

OH BOY U WERE WRONG

the next time you see him is 3 days later at the same park

you were walking suki again but this time at 7pm after dinner

the sun was almost done setting so the sky was getting darker but there was still a hint of the orange circle peeking from below

this time you walked further down the sidewalk path towards the scattered gazebos

and you noticed the same boy again

this time he was sat in one of the gazebos with his tiny camera in his hands

his back was hunched over again and he was looking closely at the pictures he had taken

‘oh its him again’ u thought

and that was it

LOL

u just acknowledged him in ur head AGAIN before u thought nothing of it and continued ur walk with suki

so the NEXT time u saw him was another 2 days later at 7pm again

you wanted to take suki on a quick walk

but you got tired after like 10 minutes so you sat down on a blanket u brought

suki was just laying next to u while u were on ur phone

it wasnt fully dark out yet and there was still a few people in the park

the fairy lights that were placed around were lit up already

it was super pretty and the weather was nice

after staring at ur phone for a few mins u looked up just to look around

and u saw Him again

wow

why do u keep seeing him !?!?!

his back was faced towards u like always

and he was like 40 feet away from u so he looked so tiny

but u could tell it was him because of his blond hair and black coat he always wore

you kind of zoned out and unfortunately ur eyes were trained on his back without u even noticing

and he

turned

around

for the first time EVER!!!!

its like he sensed someone staring at him

but yes he turned around with his camera in his hand

the first thing u noticed was that he got a new camera

it was a larger black one

definitely more expensive

Awe good for him!!!!!

and then u glanced up to see his face

and u made EYE CONTACT

u looked away so fast

because

He was SO CUTE.............

u awkwardly started looking to your left and tried turning ur face away from him

‘oh look at those beautiful um... birds.. yeah’

hopefully he didnt notice

*nervously sweats*

u didnt dare look back in that direction so u spent the rest of your evening in the park on ur phone or playing with suki

eventually it reached 8pm so u packed up ur stuff and went home

U were still kind of thinking about that boy....

so u were like

i need to go back

and u did Lol

u went back the next day at 6pm this time with suki

it was lighter out and the sky was beautiful

perfect for a certain boy to be taking photos

*evil laugh*

u were walking for like 15 minutes and u didnt see him anywhere :((((

the one time u go there for HIM

u settled down under a tree

suki immediately went on the blanket when u sat down too

you played tug of war with her and fed her some treats while playing

playing with her for 10 minutes straight definitely tired u out so u laid down and just stared at the sky

it was a faded blue turning into orange and pink

U were kinda bored so u sat up and started petting suki

you would occasionally glance up at the strangers walking past u

and

let me tell u what Happened..

u looked up at another lady walking her dog and went like

‘aweee that dog is so cute’ in ur head

and u took ur eyes off the dog and glanced to ur right

idk bc u felt like it

AND GUESS WHAT U SEE???!??????

THE BOY

LIKE 20 FEET AWAY

STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD

AND HE HAD HIS CAMERA UP TO HIS FACE

and it WAS POINTED AT U ??!?!

as soon as u looked in his direction he jumped and put his hands down

he like

Blushed????? and awkwardly smiled u know rubbing the neck and all that

he was embarrassed

ur cheeks were turning so red

BUT HE WAS SO ADORABLE

was kind of weird.... stalkerish but um

he cleared that up BECAUSE

He started walking over to u

he was wearing black jeans that were ripped on the knees with black high top converse

and a gray sweater with a black coat over it

HE JUST LOOKED CUTE OK

ur were like OMg []£{€]%[#{%€]£{

n he just Plop

he stood right infront of u basically towering bc u were sitting under the tree

suki noticed the boy and tilted her head like hmmmm???

u had the SMALLEST smile on ur face bc u wanted to seem friendly but not TOO friendly

he had his camera strap over his arm while he held it and his other hand was rubbing the name of his neck

“uh... sorry about that.. i didn’t mean to seem weird or anything!” he waved his hands infront of him to deny it

u just sat there while he talked like ❤️_❤️

“im uh taking photos for my class and i thought u looked nice so i took some pictures.. im really sorry i should’ve asked first now i seem weird or something im really-,”

u cut him off so he didnt ramble any longer

“no its okay! i get it” you gave him a warm smile and pet suki while she drifted to your side and kept her eyes on him

u both just stared at eachother for a few seconds before you spoke

“um.. would you like to sit?” you scooted over and made room for him in the blanket

WOW U WERE FEELING BOLD TODAY...

“uh sure” he set his camera down and sat beside u

“this is suki.. shes my cousins dog” u said when she climbed into his lap and started sniffing him

he grinned and pet her before looking up at you

“im ni-ki by the way” his cheeks turned a bit pink which u thought was cute

“y/n” you smiled

“suki seems to like you” u laughed

“so how long have you been working on this project or whatever?”

“oh um i started last week... i just have to make a portfolio of photos i take and turn it in” he said while keeping his eyes trained on suki

u noticed he didnt make eye contact with u often but u knew it was probably because he was nervous because u do that too

“can i see the pictures...?” u hesitantly ask him

his eyes light up when u say that

“yeah!”

AWE HES SO EXCITED

he picks up his camera next to him and clicks a few buttons

“oh by the way... ive noticed u at the park before! you’re always with the camera” you laugh

“ah yeah, this park is where most of my project photos are taken.”

he leans over and shows you the pictures on the device

“woah” you let out a gasp

he showed u the picture he took of you first

How does a picture look better than real life...

you’ve never really been into photography but now that you’ve seen his work u might just have to start getting into it

“this isnt even done yet, i still have to edit it so it’ll look even more perfect” he shyly says

“this is amazing what the heck” your jaw is Dropped

“thanks”

“i need to see the final result” u said because it was such a nice picture

“um.. if you give me your number i can show you it” he sent you a cheeky grin

SMOOTH.....

he was so AGGGHGGHG ur kind of obsessed

you two exchange numbers and talk about random things for a whole hour until he says he has to go

“it was really nice meeting you.. i had fun” he tells you as he starts standing up

suki is sleeping so he tries not to wake her up

“i had fun too” you smile

“would you like me to walk you to your car?”

A GENTLEMAN !!?!?!?!

“oh yeah, thanks”

you two spend another 2 minutes together as you walk side by side with suki in your arms and he held your blanket and bag for you

you reached your car and thanked him

“ill see you soon, dont forget to text me! and good luck on the project, i know you’ll do great”

“thank you..”

ni-ki’s cheeks turn pink once more before he turns around and starts walking away with a smile on his face

he is just the cutest thing ever

you definitely need to see him again

[clearlyshyobservation]

Kokichi is dying (V3 chatfic, no particular ship)

TW: Infers abuse, talks about ableism, neglect, panic attack pretty much, depression, self loathing. never being good enough

i am so sorry but vr au's need to be sad, love yall :)

(Background info: This is set in a vr au, they are not with their fake memory parents (Ie; kaito's kind grandparents) but rather why they really have)

(Also i have no fucking clue what ship i was going for???? pretty sure they are all on the table, and kokichi talks like an idiot in this and i love it. Gonta's writing is based off of his Japanese talking style, so no more caveman talking).

USERNAMES:

(Space monkey: Kaito, Detective pikachu: shuichi, Elton john: kaede, Antman: gonta, Mr. Gonstealyoman: korekiyo, Atua's bitch: angie, emoboi: ryoma, be-boop: kiibo, bread roll: Maki, cum dumpster: miu, mommy: kirumi, Gremlin: Kokichi)

TLDR: Chaos ensues, slight angst

Gremlin: omfg im fucking sicK im gonna fucking die i bet this was kaitos bitch ass fault for coughing on me with his tuberculosis headass gROSSSSS I HATE EVERYTHINGGG

Space Monkey: i-

Space monkey: I didn't get you sick dumbass,,,, my tb is fugckin cured bi-

Bread roll: he's dramatic and gross dont believe him

Gremlin: yall mean for what?

Gremlin: i have a life taking disease and yall laughing i- 

Gremlin: see you at my funeral bitch

Detective pikachu: What are you sick with then

Gremlin: anythong bitch, im the universe

Antman: He sounds delusional, thats not good

Detective pikachu: He's always delusional, he's Kokichi

Mr. gonstealyoman: I guess this name is better than my old one

Mr. gonstealyoman: thank you kokichi :) I am glad we have come to an understanding

Gremlin: kay sexy

Gremlin: IGNRE WHAT I JUST SENT

Gremlin: IGNORE IT IGNORE IT IGNORE ITTTTT

Antman: who was that for???

Gremlin: NO ONE,,, 

Gremlin: Okay,,, maybe sexy tall men in general lowkey

Gremlin: okay,,,, maybe anyone over 6 feet 

Detective pikachu: i feel excluded

Detective pikachu: good, i don't like you kokichi, your an ass

Gremlin: u sound jelly shumaiiiiii

be-boop: perhaps he is telling the truth, you know,

be-boop: according to my data, in chapter four Shuichi stated that you will never have friends, and no one will ever like you

Gremlin: SHUT THE FUCK UP STOP MAKING ME FEEL BADBSKVKHDVKDSKJV

Antman: do you need me to come over? I can make you tea?

mommy: Do you know how to do that, Gonta? I can teach you?

Antman: Gonta does know, thank you very much. 

Antman: Gonta is not a child, Tojo-chan, please don't regard me as one

Antman: Gonta can cook, can clean, can be gentle, and has his own mind

Space monkey: but we're just making sure man, cuz, you know,,,, chapter 4

Antman: I am capable of things just like you!!!!!

Antman: Gonta doesn't know why you guys treat me like a child :(

Gremlin: yeah, hot stuff over there is basically a prodigy homies

Antman: Gonta is dumb though, don't say that.

Antman: Gonta is no prodigy, in fact, he is below average in everything

Gremlin: Whats ur test scores bitch

Antman: Gonta got a 98 on my english test,, but i wanted a 100, which would make Gonta actually smart :( 

Antman: Gonta is not good enough to be friends with you all

Antman: I can do basic stuff like tojo said...

Antman: maybe i do need help?

Antman: im not sure anymore:((((

Gremlin: THEY ARE ABLEIST GONTA,,, THEY FEEL SUPERIOR FOR TREATING UUUUU LIKE A CHILD

Detective pikachu: You sound really delusional Kokichi, maybe you should get sleep

Gremlin: S T F U, IM SPITTING ST8 FACTS BITCH

Detective pikachu: Sure you are. Now get some rest. 

Gremlin: GRRRR WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS??

Bread roll: Cause your stupid and aggressive

Gremlin: your personality, basically?

Bread roll: shut up at least i have a boyfriend

Gremlin: Technically, you just stole my frienemy 

Gremlin: Yall do be avoiding each other doe

Space Monkey: WE ARE NOT

Gremlin: Yeah yeah

Gremlin: yesterday i saw you to enter the same cafe by accident, duck your heads, then sit across the cafe from each other, all while  avoiding eye contact

Gremlin: Soooo,,, things not going well in paradise?

Detective pikachu: you're nosy

Gremlin: says the literal detective 

Space monkey: everythings fine your just a dickkkk

Gremlin: "oooo! Im momo-chan, i say bad word and go brrrrr"

Space monkey: im going to fucking stab him 

Gremlin: You cant, ive already enslaved you with my chaotic, yet cute hijinks, havent i~

Space monkey: STOP STOP NO NOT THE SQUIGLY

Gremlin: is it the sex? WHY DONT YOU MAKE EYE CNOTACT WITH UR LADY NO MORE 

Space monkey: ITS NOT THE SEX I HATE YOU

Gremlin: im free by the way at 8 ;)

Bread roll: STOP trying to steal my boyfriend kokichi, ive told you this before

Bread roll: NO

Bread roll: BODY

Antman: Gonta interrupts to say, Gonta loves you kokichi, and we should get flowers together, than maybe we can prank some people :D 

Bread roll: Ive never wanted to stab you more, gonta

Gremlin: I'd enjoy that very much, fine fellow ;)

Gremlin: but idk,,,, can you like take care of me first, cuz IM SICK BECAUSE OF KAITO TUBERCULOSIS ASS

Space monkey: I DONT HAVE TB ANYMORE

Gremlin: SURE YOU DONT 

Space monkey: I DONT

Gremlin:  BUT GUESS WHAT

Gremlin: YOU STILL SMOKE DUMBASS AND THATS NOT GOOD FOR U OR YOUR TUBERCULOSIS

Detective pikachu: He smokes?

Atua's bitch: he does, i walked in on him in the bathroom lmao

Atua's bitch: he was scared shitless and threw it out the window, needless to say atua does nt approve

Gremlin: DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE VACCINE????

Space monkey: Uh,,, i was taught vaccines were bad, so no i don't have the vaccine

Gremlin: I HATE OLD PEOPLE

Gremlin: ABOLISH OLD PEOPLEEEE

Gremlin: THEY SPREAD MISINFORMATION AND IT PHISCALLY HURTS ME TO SEEEEEE

Space monkey: your dramatic, it cant be that bad

Gremlin: say that when you catch it again

Gremlin: i swear you coughed on me like,,,, 5 weeks ago tho

Antman: OOOO! Fun fact: Tuberculosis can lay dormant from 3 months to a few years! 

Space monkey: u guys are just trying to scare me

Bread roll: Just checked the chat after using the br and,,m YOUDONT HAVE YOU VACCINES???

Detective pikachu: Im sorry, but kaito, please,,,,, for the love of god get vaccines

Space monkey: alright alright, ill do it cuz you guys are all on my case and i don't like being the villain :(

Gremlin: Im so happy i have gonta with me rn, he is making me tea while yall rot in your distant ass relationship (THIS IS FOR YOU KAITO)

Space monkey: Im going to destroy your bloodline in about three seconds if you dont stfu right fucking now

Gremlin: Hhehe i have an inaprwopwiate joke uwu

emoboi: STOP PLEASE DEAR GOD

cum dumpster: wHAt Is iT YOU WHORE

Gremlin: i was gonna say wouldn't he need to like,,,, have sex with my family to weed out my bloodline or something??

cum dumpster: i-

cum dumpster: Why am i acting surprised, ive watched porn with more extravagant plots than this

cum dumpster: ie; are you guys FUCKING? RIGHT INFRONT OF MY SALAD??? is one i will cherish with my soul

emoboi: hehe why did she point out the salad

Space monkey: I hate u kokichi, i truly do

Gremlin: I bet if you got the chance u would kiss me space boy :P

Bread roll has left the chat

Space monkey: o god is she ddoing one of those bf loyalty tests or smthing???

Space monkey: now im nervous lmao

Gremlin: why you so nervous stupid~~~~

Gremlin: It not like ur cheating on her homie

Space monkey: It's just a placebo effect

Gremlin: My brain feels fried Momo-chan,, i don't understand big boy words right now

Space monkey: Basically, if you take a pill that doesn't do anything but you don't know that and believe it does, you will scientifically start to feel better

Gremlin: first and only time saying this, but thank you 

Space monkey: HEHEHEB YOU SAID THANK YOU YOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOU

Gremlin: Kaito,,, imma need you to do me a favor and look up on your ceiling

Space monkey: i hate you, idk what it is, but i hte you

Gremlin: good <3

Space monkey: HE REPLACED ALL MY THE STARS ON MY CELING WITH FUCKIBG DICKSSS

Space monkey: THIS IS THE LST FUCKING STRAW IM GONNA LOSE IT

Space monkey: IF MY GRANDPARENTS SEE THIS BULLSHIT THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME, SLAP ME, MAYBE BREAK MY NECK AND DESTROY MEE

Space monkey: Im GENUINLEY panicing HOW TF am i gona get this off my wal???? They are going to bbat me senselpess help me shUichi

Detective pikachu: o god, i can sense the sheer pain and scaredness in  that tet, 

Detective pikachu: are you for real gong to get hurt or are you pulling a kokichi?

Space monkey: FUCKING HELP ME IM NOT FUCKING JOKINGKABKCB HELP THEY ARE NOT HOME RN THEY ARE LIKEE,,,, 40 MINUTES AWAY PLEASEE 

Gremlin: okay,,, maybe this wasn't the best prank.,,, i guess i'll help clean up cuz im not that much of a sociopath

Gremlin: tbh my parents can go shove it too lowkey terrible 0/10 

Space monkey: AHHHH IM SO SCARED PLS PSL GET HERE FAST

be-boop: Of course, i will come, i will survey the outside of the house

Antman: Gonta is coming too! We will get this done in under 40 minutes!

Space monkey: OKAY

Gremlin: Lowkey, if i cough on you ignore it bitch your the one who made me like this

Space monkey: W HA TDONT COUGH ON ME IM NOT SICK ANYMORE

Gremlin: I will give you TB again just cuz your making me suffer

Space monkey: Suffer what??? putting dicks on my FUCKING WALL???

Gremlin: Guilt, idiot, im feeling guilty. 

cum dumpster: oof thats new

emoboi: yeah i wasn't expecting it

Mr.gonstealyoman: Me neither. It is rather peculiar seeing it being texted by him because he is always feels not guilty of his bad actions.

be-boop: I do believe he means it, though...

emoboi: impossible.

cum dumpster: i agree, literally impossible.

Gremlin: I HAVE A FUCKIBG SOUL YOU CRazY CONSPIRACISTS

Antman: Quick question, shuichi can i stay with you again? It'll be dark when i get home and gonta can't do that so,,, please help

Detective pikachu: my parents are like blank slates, who eat slowly, watch tv slowly, and never look at me. Im sure they wouldn't mind :P

Antman: ALRIGHT! :D LETS GET MISSION: MR. MOMOTA ROOM REPAIR DONE!

Gremlin: ooo! I like the name! IM INNNN! 

Detective pikachu: On it!

be-boop: Ready for look out!

Space monkey: I love you guys :)

AN: Im lowkey sorry i ended this chaotic mess with angst,,,, but like fr i love it i love angst,, i hate reading it but love writing it

[figula]

ive talked about it so much but im not really happy in my job :/ the job being the doll wig making. a lot of aspects i really DO enjoy but some of the stuff is so specifically bad for me (like the organisational + admin tasks i find really, really difficult + ive had to refund quite a few customers over the years bc i just cant get my shit together enough to ship out on time etc) - this i think is solvable w/ some planning, and idk why ive not actually done any planning of that ilk. i think i just assume ill get better at it as i go, but it’s not a skill problem, bc ive been doing this for 5y so like? i think i have got to bite the bullet and become a more organised person unfortunately.

think also: i need SOMETHING like a schedule - but not actually a schedule, bc i love the freedom to do whatever i want. that is like perk no. 1 of this job. but like perhaps a set no. of hours per week?

like im sure ive written this exact thing before, but pros / cons are something like:

pros -

1. good conversation starter, no one else really does what i do (lol) 2. some level of artistic satisfaction 3. near-total freedom job-wise - i can work wherever, whenever, not beholden to anyone, i am in charge 100% 4. seriously large chunks of money are involved in the doll business (people spend thousands on the naked, bald, eyeless dolls alone - none of mine cost less than £350 and i have like 5 of them), and if i could get a handle on the organisational aspects i would be earning surprising amounts of money probably lol (like i already earn probably more than you would expect). however this earning potential has always been tempered by a lack of desire to actually do any work, so its possible i just cba to work enough to become rich (which i mean, im not gonna try and change, im fine w/ that)

cons - 1. quite stressful never knowing where the next batch of alpaca will come from (this is a problem every few months max, bc i can only afford to buy about 5kg at a time, which is like... 75-100 wigs or st?) + having to do the email rounds is such a pain in the arse. and it’s not very secure. altho i have to say it’s never actually been a problem so far - so the lack of security might be more of a perception thing than a fact 2. it’s not a job that i feel like intellectually stimulated by 3. i dont really like key aspects of the process (e.g. shipping and admin) 4. have to FILE MY OWN FUCKING TAXES! 5. typical self-employed-in-a-niche-market shit like you can never be truly sure how finances are gonna go 6. it’s not exactly bettering humanity

me + ben + ana are gonna get a 3d printer in the new year and i am gonna start printing doll eyes, i think this will be a good addition to the business, maybe refresh me a bit, possibly a lucrative area and if it doesnt work out at least ill have had a bit of fun doing it. long-term not sure tbh. i find chess much more “intellectually stimulating” (gross phrase im so sorry lol) but i also dont think i could take spending all my time in that cesspool of an environment, so

[sevdrag]

dreamwidth update: isolation

(content warnings: i just talk about the shit that's going on rn cause i gotta, but if any of it is triggering for you, be careful or scroll past)

so, as it turns out - as anyone could have predicted - i'm behind AF on nano.

look, a lot of it is that the first week of november got tied up in the hellhole that was america's election. fuck. i had done a lot of research and i knew what to expect and i STILL DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. that entire week was draining as fuck and even the relief of them finally calling it for biden was destructive and devastating in its own way. (i cried. i dont ever cry. i fucking bawled.)

and some of it is another lesson in preparation. i have a great outline for this novel! i know all the plot beats for all three plotlines! but i didn't practice getting into either character's voice, so while im still writing, it's very third-person-onmicient type, very distant, rather than the third-person-intimate that im going for.

and ive become STUPIDLY hung up on that! LIKE, ITS STOPPING ME FROM WRITING. i realize i just need to forge ahead and i'll find their voices eventually, but like, brain matter no go. head empty no thots.

SURPRISINGLY, though, if i count all words i've written (including nano, patreon, work words, fanfic, etc) i am on pace to hit the 50K. guess what I might be doing, rather than focusing entirely on the nano words. fml. etc.

my two oldest nieces are coming this weekend for their birthday celebration. when they were young i decided that instead of birthday gifts, what each girl got was a weekend alone, just with me, where we would do super fun things and they get to have all of the focused attention from their aunt and uncle. it's worked great, but this year, because of the rona, their schedules are all fucked up (you would not BELIEVE what my bro and SIL have had to work out to manage both of their jobs with 3 children under the age of 7 at home; it's crazy), and we wanted to limit the travel as well. so both girls are coming together to stay with me, to celebrate together. i'm very excited, but wow, that's also been a whirlwind.

i had to clean the entire house. the thing is, when you've been in house since march, and you're already disabled, and you're depressed, and you're tired, and you have 5 cats, the house can quickly get to a pint where you really give no more fucks about it. hugely. bigly. i had to summon my mum, Crown, and murder husband to help me out with it, but now the house is gorgeously clean and i am happy. doing all the work at once was kind of a sledgehammer to the face tho, RIP me, but i did it.

fought with Crown over a bunch of stuff too. it's resolved and we are in a better place after having it out, but that also hit me like a fucking pickup truck, thanks.

also didnt help nano.

isolation is weird. i dont mind being alone - i love being stuck in my house alone, that's like, my dream world - but i feel like i've hunkered down here in other ways as well. friends i used to talk to daily, i check in like once a week. a BIG part of that is, well, having nothing to really say. my new contract remains in covid limbo, my other work continues, and my desire to write a novel to sell is just aksjdlkasdjggs, so like, ??? why bother to talk, there's no news here, etc.

im also just not very good at staying in touch because of (reasons) and the situation is compounding that and really doubling down on it. how can i reach out to people when im spending most of my mental energy not going completely batshit??? "hey demons. it's me. your boy."

i mean i also feel like other friends are pulling back as well, probably because none of us really have anything new to say. it's just an interesting side effect of isolation, i guess?

plus it's the jazz hands depressssiioooonnnnn ~! for all of us!

i really just exist on discord these days. honestly.

ANYWAY.

i haven't yet given up on the novel, nor have i given up on trying to grow my kofi and patreon to help me out in these terrible times. (crankyoldman, thanks so much for the Kofi! that covers this month's entire Chewy order! <3 <3 aaaaaaa ILU and i miss you guys!!) it's just such a bizarre fucking time to be a conscious thinking creature and that's weird, i guess.

went to target and bought a bunch of men's shirts for the winter. sorry but for what i want men's clothes are vastly superior. you can't get a women's t-shirt that's long enough to go over hips or really be tucked in unless you find a "tunic length" and they're like $25. i got 3 mens tees for $18. i also now have a giant hoodie with thumbholes. bless.

plus big ass sports bras. i just want my tits to be comfortable. dont always bra them, but like when im cleaning they gotta be held. gently. softly cupped in place so that they don't get tossed around too much. i dont know where im going with this.

i just want to be comfortable here in my private cave.

the stasis of isolation. such an odd year it's been this last month.

Ko-fi for the cats || Patreon for CYOA and the novel || Sev's Pub, my creative works discord || carrd for the rest

comments Comment? https://ift.tt/3ngoxji

[suearthboundau]

hey guys i know its been pretty quiet, so im posting to give u all a little update.

first of all, thank u for all the support and well-wishes. i really appreciate it in this difficult time.

secondly, ive been thinking about this story and how its delivered, and potentially there will be changes.

right now, i am posting this story as a comic 11 panels at a time. when i first started this blog, a comic was the format i chose (rather than fanfic) because i wanted to work on my drawing, i could easier match the show’s tone/storytelling style through visuals, i would be more likely to have a larger viewerbase, and because i already have a different “zircons on earth” au on ao3 with different characterisation/headcanons and didnt want confusion between the two.

when i first started, drawing an update was easy because i was so passionate about this project. i wouldnt even need a script sometimes because i had so many ideas, and i could get the sketches done in an hour and the digital done in another four. now, it takes me 4-5 hours just to do the script and sketches. i most likely have adhd, ive seen a doctor and im going to be tested soon, and when im not super passionate abt a project it can be completely impossible to focus on. sometimes ive had to split the sketching over two days because after a few hours of trying to work on it i could only get 3 panels done. its like i try to think and something blocks thoughts from forming, even though i usually know whatll happen in a page just figuring out how to script it is hard. after the sketching, the digital is another 4-5 hours, and while it was fun and quick-feeling once, now it’s something i really have to slog through, doing all the simplest panels first like im eating my potatoes before my brussel sprouts. the whole time i work, i feel stressed and frustrated and i want to be doing anything else. sometimes i end up staring at a wall for ten minutes because my brain is so unwilling to focus.

on top of that, a comic like mine moves at a glacial pace. if i keep posting 11 panels a week for a year from today, thatll be 612 panels. so far we’ve had over 100 and practically nothing has happened. it could take years to get through the whole story i had planned, and i dont want to work on this for years. when i started, i didnt realise my choices would make this such an undertaking. or i just assumed id always be passionate enough that it wouldnt feel like a chore.

an option ive considered is either partly or fully telling the story in writing instead. a single 2000 word chapter could bring six months worth of comic-told story, and take way less time. plus, im way way better at writing than drawing. however the problem is a single week’s update would take longer than drawing, because writing takes more effort and i hold myself to a higher standard with it. plus, writing gets less notes and noone will reblog it, and that mightnt seem like something i should care about but entertaining people is the only reason i keep working on this. so if i switched and my average notes dropped from 20 to 5 itd be disheartening.

another thought i had was just posting the dot-pointed story ideas i had and then ending the blog. the reasons i might do this:. im kind of losing my special interest in su. and my wrist issues keep recurring so i basically always am limited in how much i can write/draw each day, and i want to use my limited time to work on new story ideas im passionate to work on. also i have pretty bad depression to the point that i can really only set myself one big task every second day without feeling overwhelmed, and this blog can take up multiple of those slots since sometimes i have to split the work over 2-3 days. also, now that suf has been done for a while, the su fandom is less active and interaction is way down on my posts, indicating that i wont have an audience for much longer anyway. plus this is about the zircons and im pretty sure me and like 5 other ppl are the only ones posting/reblogging abt them anymore so theres no market for this idea. a reason i might not shut down the blog is that its personally disappointing to me to give up on a project i was once so excited to finish.

so yeah, let me know what u guys think.

[pbandjesse]

I honestly cant believe today it over. The last couple days just really flew by. It was a good couple days but this just means I start my new job tomorrow! Wild. 

I did get to see the moon last night. The way the moon path goes I can lay in bed around 11 and see the moon for almost an hour. Its great. 

And I did sleep well. The extra hour of sleep was very nice. And while I didnt wake up at 715 like I wanted, waking up at 9 allowed me to feel a lot better. Though I was sad I only vaguely remembered saying goodbye to James. 

I got up and got showered and dressed. My skin is looking great and I only have a few more days of the one. So I wont have to shower so much anymore. I will probably still take the double showers some days, but its a little exhausting honestly. 

I felt cute and good today though. I liked my outfit. I love wearing tights. It was rainy and grey and I was just in a good mood. 

I spent the morning playing animal crossing and starting to post on the new store instagram. I am pretty excited. I have already made 3 sales. Jess may back out of the whole thing. There have been some technical issues and she just doesnt really want to deal with it. But I am having a good time at least. I am going to post a few things every day for the next few weeks and make things as I go. But so far I have had great feedback. 

I had a good time playing animal crossing too because its a new month! Last night when James got home we played together for the first time in a while and doing all the halloween stuff was fun. Handing out candy and things. But now halloween is over, so I am picking up most of the pumpkins, in favor of the new mushrooms you can grow. I am going to leave the decorations up for a while longer as we collect more christmasy things. But I am excited by new things so thats pretty great. 

Around 11 I decided to go for a drive. It was raining but not to bad. But of course as soon as I left the house it started pouring. I went back upstairs to get a raincoat and then I was off. 

As I waited at the light to get on the highway, a homeless man asked for change. I did not have change so I gave him the $5 bill I had and he was super nice to me. We talked for a minute while the light was red. Someone had shot him with a paintball gun last night. I felt so bad. Then he asked me where I was from because I had an accent! I always think thats funny when people say that. James says I have a dialect for sure, and its my diction as well. Neat. 

I went out to savers. Driving was a bit scary. Despite all the work on the car, the little traction light is still coming on. Ugh. But I made it to the thrift store in one piece. 

I had a nice time walking around there. I got an amazing lobster rug and a piece of fabric. But the best find was for James. I finally found slippers for him! Except they arent just slippers, they are grey name brand Uggs. For $10. And they fit him! Amazing. So proud of myself for that one. 

I wandered around for a while though. Enjoyed my time out. Not as many weird things today. But a nice walk around. 

When I was done there I went and got lunch across the street. Continued to listen to a podcast. And then went to get some snack based groceries. 

That was a nice time. Thinking about things to put in my lunch this week. Had fun looking at the christmas stuff they are starting to put out. 

I was only very annoyed when I went to my car. Because the cart I was using locked its wheels about 30 feet from my far!! I was still in the parking lot!! Stupid cart. I had to put it in the little cart shelter and then carry all my stupid things to the car. In the rain. So then I was both wet and hot. 

I drove home. Had some issues because of 3 separate accidents that had 83 very very backed up. Making single lanes each time, but of course it was not in the same lane. 

But I still got home soon enough. 

I brought in some of my stuff. Left the heavy things in there. And did some putting away. Some cleaning. Some playing with sweetp. Helping Jess with some google issues and working on some store stuff. I got a little upset by a comment she made about how she would have given up a while ago if I wasnt so excited about the store. And like. Yeah Ive felt that from you. I told her she didnt need to do it with me, but she said she has made a lot of masks already so shes going to. But like. It makes it hard for me to feel good about being excited about something when someone says stuff like that. So I dont know what will happen on her end but I am going to keep going and try to not let it bother me. 

I decided to go for a walk. I went over to walgreens and got nail polish. And when I got home James was here! Hello boyfriend. 

We hung out for a while. And then he made me a taco. Except when he heated up the tortilla, sweetP jumped on the counter and melted his whiskers and got his face singed. I was so upset. He doesnt seem hurt at all but his face was all curly and his chin and chest are burnt. I trimmed it a bit and cleaned him off with a wet paper towel. Im more upset when he is for sure. But still. 

James felt really bad. But it wasnt anyone's fault. It all just happened really fast. 

After dinner James had trivia. I decided not to participate this week. Instead I decided to cut my hair. I put it in two pig tails and chopped off 4 inches of hair. I got a cute bob now. Very nice for the fall. 

Once I finished cleaning up my hair I took a bath. Relaxed. It was a nice time. 

I laid in bed and watched videos for a while. Then went to sit with James as the game was finishing and Lane recited Dante's amazing parody poem. And we showed off our moths. It was a goofy time. 

Now I am in bed. I am cold. James is in the shower. I am going to put a differnt sweater on and try to get to sleep quick. Because I have work tomorrow!! I dont know if I will actually have any kids. But my plan is to get to know my coworkers and set up some art bins for the kids so they dont have to share tools. I hope we eventually get some kids but not having any tomorrow will be alright. I got plans. 

I hope you all sleep well tonight. Take care of yourselves and eachother. Goodnight!

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[thewritingstar]

Ah well were all at home better ask all 200 questions g, don't really know much about u

200 QUESTIONS???? ALRIGHT HERE YA GO. 

hope you enjoy me spending an hour answering all of these :) 

200: My crush’s name is: N/A 199: I was born in: 2000 198: I am really: nice 197: My cellphone company is: idk 196: My eye color is: Hazel, can turn dark brown or light green sometimes 195: My shoe size is: 8 194: My ring size is: 7 I think 193: My height is: 5′3 192: I am allergic to: penicillin  191: My 1st car was: Toyota  190: My 1st job was: Baskin Robbins  189: Last book you read: Suicide Notes (highly recommend)  188: My bed is: galaxy bedding and is currently on the floor in my bed fram cause my friends broke it... 187: My pet: Black cockapoo and a white cockapoo named Abby and Molly 186: My best friend: is a hoe 185: My favorite shampoo is: herbal essence color me happy  184: Xbox or ps3: I perfer Wii, Wii U or Nintendo switch  183: Piggy banks are: cute, Mine is a ducktales cup  182: In my pockets: nothing rn 181: On my calendar: nothing rn 180: Marriage is: a good thing but not a necessity for a happy life 179: Spongebob can: get it  178: My mom: is a queen  177: The last three songs I bought were? i only buy cds for my car so: Lover, Hozier, Blink 182 176: Last YouTube video watched: The Office deleted scenes 175: How many cousins do you have? 8 but I only see four of them and two of them are adults with kids so i consider them more of aunt and uncle figures 174: Do you have any siblings? One older sister  173: Are your parents divorced? Nope  172: Are you taller than your mom? Nope 171: Do you play an instrument? Nope 170: What did you do yesterday? Sat on ass and watched youtube 

[ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: ye why not 168: Luck: yes  167: Fate: yes 166: Yourself: kinda 165: Aliens: yes 164: Heaven: mmmm yes i guess 163: Hell: yes 162: God: uhhhhh yes and no, kinda indifferent 161: Horoscopes: yep 160: Soul mates: yesss 159: Ghosts: ye 158: Gay Marriage: WHO THE FUCK DOESNT BELIEVE IN THISS?? ITS REAL  157: War: think it does more harm than good 156: Orbs: ye 155: Magic: ye i wanna be a wizard 

[ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs 153: Drunk or High: drunk, i dont do drugs and i dont drink yet but ill prob get drunk  152: Phone or Online: oo i use both but Online i guess 151: Red heads or Black haired: Black hair 150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes 149: Hot or cold: HOT 148: Summer or winter: Summer 147: Autumn or Spring: Both 146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla  145: Night or Day: Day 144: Oranges or Apples: Oranges 143: Curly or Straight hair: I have straight hair but curly hair is also beautiful 142: McDonalds or Burger King: BURGER KING..I HATE MCDONALDS 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: MILK 140: Mac or PC: Pc 139: Flip flops or high heals:...High heels prob 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: SWEET AND POOR, IM ALREADY UGLY 137: Coke or Pepsi: NEITHER 136: Hillary or Obama: obama  135: Burried or cremated: cremated 134: Singing or Dancing: love both but maybe dancing rn 133: Coach or Chanel: Coach  132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: idk who they are 131: Small town or Big city: Big city, i grew up in a small town 130: Wal-Mart or Target: TARGET 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam 128: Manicure or Pedicure: Mani 127: East Coast or West Coast: West Coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas  125: Chocolate or Flowers: Chocolate 124: Disney or Six Flags: DISNEY  123: Yankees or Red Sox: eww sports 

[ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War:....does more harm than good  121: George Bush:....dont know enough to say but im pretty sure he was an awful human  120: Gay Marriage: It should just be called marriage, just because you’re gay doesnt make it any less or any more, its equal to other marriages  119: The presidential election: 118: Abortion: Pro Choice, no one has the right to tell someone what to do with their body 117: MySpace: i never used it cause i was too young but i bet it was lit 116: Reality TV: its funny af  115: Parents: are nice if they care about their child but if they are abusive or horrible then they dont deserve respect  114: Back stabbers: should be stabbed  113: Ebay: its nice  112: Facebook: full of idiots and boomers  111: Work: a scam  110: My Neighbors: they fine 109: Gas Prices: A SCAM 108: Designer Clothes: a nice but really $200 for socks, no mama 107: College: SHOULD BE FREE 106: Sports: fun but no one needs to make that much money for throwing a ball 105: My family: i like them 104: The future: is wild and idk at this point 

[ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: my mom like a few days ago 102: Last time you ate: at 11 today! 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:  100: Cried in front of someone: my mom after i yelled at her 99: Went to a movie theater: i saw Onward when we were allowed outside 98: Took a vacation: went to disneyland last October  97: Swam in a pool: like almost two years sadly  96: Changed a diaper: when i was like 8  95: Got my nails done: never got them done because my mom wouldnt take me cause i was a ‘tom boy’  94: Went to a wedding: never  93: Broke a bone: when i was three, my big toe 92: Got a piercing: my nose in January  91: Broke the law: i guess i sped the other day  90: Texted: literally as im doing this 

[ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: my friend 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: the silence of being alone 87: The last movie I saw: Princess and the Frog 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: Moving for college 85: The thing im not looking forward to:  84: People call me: Deanna (real name), Dean, Star (what yall call me) ton of others 83: The most difficult thing to do is: idk  82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: Aries 80: The first person i talked to today was:  79: First time you had a crush: Ive had  78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my best friends 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: my friends over ft  76: Right now I am talking to: no one 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully being an animator  74: I have/will get a job: at disney  73: Tomorrow: doing nothing 72: Today: doing nothing  71: Next Summer: hopefully not on quarantine  70: Next Weekend: nothing special  69: I have these pets: 2 doggos 68: The worst sound in the world: ICE SCRAPING OR MOUTH BREATHING 67: The person that makes me cry the most is:  66: People that make you happy: my friends 65: Last time I cried: few days ago  64: My friends are: my world 63: My computer is: a Dell  62: My School: is a community college  61: My Car: it goes 60: I lose all respect for people who: are bigots, dehumanize people, republicans  59: The movie I cried at was: Onward had me sobbing  58: Your hair color is: Brown rn 57: TV shows you watch: theres too many 56: Favorite web site: tumblr or youtube 55: Your dream vacation: every disney park  54: The worst pain I was ever in was: i think when i cut my finger or when i went to the hospital for my chest  53: How do you like your steak cooked: Medium rare  52: My room is: disney themed and my safe zone 51: My favorite celebrity is: Tara Strong  50: Where would you like to be: Disneyland 49: Do you want children: ehh maybe  48: Ever been in love: nope 47: Who’s your best friend: my neighbor that ive known since i was 4 46: More guy friends or girl friends: more girl 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: making cake  44: One person that you wish you could see right now: my cousin 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: not really  42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: ye 41: Have you pre-named your children: kinda 40: Last person I got mad at: my mom 39: I would like to move to: La 38: I wish I was a professional: animator

[ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: Kitkat 36: Vehicle: Cars 35: President: 34: State visited: California, Nevada, Texas, Hawaii,  33: Cellphone provider: 32: Athlete: n/a 31: Actor: Colin O'Donoghue 30: Actress: Lana Parrilla 29: Singer: Joe Jonas, Taylor Swift  28: Band: Big Time Rush 27: Clothing store: Hot topic, Ross,  26: Grocery store: Safeway  25: TV show: Once Upon A Time or PPG  24: Movie: Princess and the Frog and Ratatouille  23: Website: tumblr  22: Animal: elephant  21: Theme park: disneyland  20: Holiday: Halloween  19: Sport to watch: hockey  18: Sport to play:..i do not play  17: Magazine: i dont read mags  16: Book: Kingdom Keepers  15: Day of the week: Friday  14: Beach: one i went to in Hawaii  13: Concert attended: Jonas Brothers  12: Thing to cook: chowmein and strawberry shortcake  11: Food: Chowmein  10: Restaurant: my fav Chinese restaurant  9: Radio station: I don’t listen to the radio  8: Yankee candle scent: Vanilla  7: Perfume: Vanilla  6: Flower: Rose or Larkspur  5: Color: Black or blue  4: Talk show host: umm i dont watch many but i guess Jimmy Fallon  3: Comedian: Jaboukie Young-White or John Mulaney  2: Dog breed: Pomeranian  1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ye 

[malafight]

Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

[boisheviks]

Do everything that you haven't already done

thanks owobiwan

angel; do you have a nickname? no not rly

awe; how old are you? 18 

baby; favorite color? either red or blue

bloop; spirit animal? red panda

blossom; favorite book/movie/song? havent read a book in years, into the spiderverse was a really good movie (just saw it yesterday, 11/10 would recommend PLEASE SEE IT IF YOU HAVENT), tbh idk what my favorite song is but my favorite band is p!atd 

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child? hmmm i guess my first major stuffed animal was a bunny. i also had a lot of dogs

bright; mermaids or fairies? both??

bubbles; do you have a best friend? yea (:

buttercup; showers or baths? showers

butterfly; dream destination? japan

buttons; are you religious or spiritual? uhhhh?????? neither???? i guess spiritual if i had to pick

candlelight; what did you dream about last night? i dont remember most of my dreams unless something significant happened so idk

charming; have you ever been in love? nah

cozy; eye/hair color? brown and black respectively

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period? uhhh now i guess? although trump sucks so bad timeline

cupcake; favorite flower/plant? plants that grow fruit

cute; what did you get on your last birthday? iphone x

cutie pie; most precious item you own? my iphone x lol

cutsie; what makes you happy? talking to my friends

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free. when i came home from college for winter break lmao thank god no homework or studying i dont want to go back

daylight; favorite album of all time? oof uhhh i guess the wall by pink floyd 

dear; zodiac sign? aries

delightful; concerts or museums? concerts but museums can be cool

dimples; have you ever written a letter? ..yes? lmao

dobby; dream job? something in cybersecurity would be cool

doll; how do you like to dress? tshirt and jeans, with a jacket if its cold

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences? nope

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos? no tattoos and currently not rly interested in getting any anytime soon

euphoric; talk about someone you love. i love my parents theyre great

fairy; do you have a pet? i have a fish!

forever; where do you feel time stop? where…??? idk 

froglet; are you a good plant owner? LMAO i was until i forgot about my plant for a solid week. but in my dorm my plant was one of the nicest looking ones so rip plant

garden; how many languages do you know? 2 if u count my horrible chinese that i learned in high school

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice? sunsets and what the sky looks like

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not? sure. i mean i dont rly get any in the first place but lol

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

1. I’m funny (i hope anyways)

2. I’m smart (kinda)

3. I’m strong

4. I’m understanding

5. I’m good at playing music (lol i literally could not think of anything else yikes)

heart; silk or lace? silk

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it? coffee, only if its in the form of a frappuccino 

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why? people, mainly bc its funny to watch them sometimes

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep? no sounds in general

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather? sunny

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends? sleep

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more? probably laugh loudly id say

kinky; do you blush easily? i dont think so

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most? to have someone love me (wow i live a sad life)

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad? idk i will listen to the same music no matter how i feel

love; what is your favorite season and why? summer bc no school and its warm

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream? i dont eat macarons much but as for ice cream i guess smores

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks? hmm i guess i like looking at soft pastels but cool darks are also nice

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date? actually going on one haha

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself? sleeping and talking to friends

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life? dont procrastinate for too long (i say as i procrastinate writing thank you cards whoops)

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more? bake

prince; how would you describe your handwriting? ugly but surprisingly legible

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play? yup i play lots

prinky; how do you relieve stress? listening to music

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable? mangoes 

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read? tbh i dont even remember the last book i read

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far? this is sad but probably getting into college and going to college

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you? tbh probably getting an internship since i kinda (??) have a guaranteed job once i get out of college as long as i dont mess up so yea knocking on wood rn

shine; art or music? music but i love art as well

smitten; do you collect anything? not really although i used to collect state quarters (now theyre like presidents and important locations or something)

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with? 1 usually but i can also sleep without a pillow

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind? does my phone count 

sparkle; do you wear jewelry? yea usually ill wear a watch and a necklace

spooky; sunrise or sunset? sunset, i cant get up for the sunrise anyways

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones? headphones

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child? funny story but i think barney was my favorite show when i was rly young. but then i guess when i got older (elementary school) probably the mythbusters

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house. my desk where my computer is. its often a mess but i spend the most time there

soothe; digital or vinyl? vinyl bc im such a hipster wow i dont even own any vinyl (my dad has a bunch of records tho)

squeezed; who do you miss right now? all my college pals :(

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends? people who will laugh at my awful jokes and will tolerate me and listen to me i guess

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing? aesthetically pleasing who needs things to be practical and useful anyways lol

sweet; do you find it easy to open up? nope lol it be like that sometimes

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any? eh kids are ok but can also be kinda annoying so idk if id ever want any/be fit to have any anyways lol. id probably adopt tho

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they? yup and its the person who gave me all of these to answer smh

tootsie; what kind of friend are you? one who will probably make fun of u too much but will also listen to u when u need it

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl? night owl for sure

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out? depends where “going out” is and with who

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup? nope ive never worn makeup

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person? messy

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star? no, but also i dont rly see shooting stars rip light pollution

[aestheticvoyage2019]

Day 20: Sunday January 20, 2019 - “Food Trophy”

Ive been pretty successful in these first 3 weeks of the new year, in flipping the relationship with what goes into my body.   I desperately needed to change the relationship that I had with both food and alcohol, and I knew it.   Ive collected a handful of small trophies already - acing a work trip, SCI, and now a strong week with a 7 day workout streak.  And so after building some solid consistency and good habits, I rewarded myself this weekend with some good meals to fuel up for another solid week ahead, looking to finish January strong.

But its not just about eating healthier and not drinking (20 days dry now!) - its also fun learning new things, trying new things and making it fun.  Earlier in the week I posted about some of my daily staples.   With the weekend, replacing a trip to the bar with a trip to the market and got a really nice big Ahi Tuna steak and researched how best to prepare it (thanks YouTube).  I also got some fresh broccoli crowns and researched good creative ways to prep that - who needs frozen veggies!   I wound up baking that broccoli and it turned out great, and then I seared that Ahi to perfection. Beautiful!!  Oh man that was good. I dont have words to write about how good that Tuna was.   A first for me!   Expanding my food/kitchen horizons.   When I sat down to enjoy it with some shrimp and rice, I poured out some better Booch to replace the unnecessary glass of wine and found my favorite combo - Cayenne Lemonade mixed with Pear.  What a great filling meal.   Much better money spent than on a handful of pints, which would have typically and boring-ly been a part of my solo Saturday night with AC out at work - not this year.  After a week of a restrictive diet, it was awesome to pig out on some healthy food that Id learned to make my self.   As I ate I reflected on all those Saturday nights that I wouldve taken in a mega-mod, or a $5 taco box, or worse.  I realized that the score here wasnt just a strong week reward - but also a healthy weekend.   Evolution.   I’ll need to keep stacking these together for at least the next 30 weeks to see what I am capable of and get back to my glory.

In the morning, preparing for a long gym day watching championship football, hoping for a 20K step day, I loaded the tank with some eggs, whole wheat tortilla, great coffee from my favorite roasters, an avocado, and remembering our breakfasts in Africa, added a nice ripe tomato - which really was the best part. I love eggs for breakfast - but today it took a backseat to the red and green.  Small plate, made it feel like a feast!  As I finished, I patted my belly, and said “now lets go get it done.”

The question that remains is can I keep this going for the whole year?  From here it feels like I can, but I know I’ll find exit ramps and pitfalls.  I know there will be weekends where I feel lonely, or tired, or there will be excuses like events, trips, the open road, etc.  Days like today are important for cementing in - showing whats possible and enjoying it as I go.  This is the spirit of my voyage in 2019.  I’ll look for lots of good support and coaching but the momentum is building.  It feels good to have the control - to have stood up and made a choice to change my relationship with food and alcohol.  After 20 days, the habits are cementing in, for a powerful year.

Song:  Trampled By Turtles - Life Is Good On The Open Road

Quote: “Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom...is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.” ― Anthony Bourdain

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim.