#its weird cuz it started n then ended n its been years of weird uncertainty where its not like we r actively bein abused (by him) but

[gurorori]

okay very srs vent / trauma dump ahead i seriously advise No1 reads this..

tw for the same described in last rb i am sorry

i apologise for usin this acc for ventin a lot heh i prommy i try 2 keep it silly.. but its more convenient here than on instagram. 🙏

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Only For A Moment Ch. 44

Master: @afewmarvelousthoughtsadmin

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Summary: For most of your life you’d been able to keep your abilities a secret, that is until Hydra got wind of you. After years of being in their clutches, you break out when The Avengers expose SHIELD/Hydra. Since then, you’ve been on the run. Things are going as well as you could hope when you see a familiar face… Could the Winter Soldier really be in Bucharest too?

Warnings: Non-violent character death, feels

A/N: Who doesn’t want to peek into Bucky’s journals? I know I do--especially after the reader gave him fresh ones for Christmas 😘

Thanks to @wonderlandmind4​ for convincing me that this wasn’t a stupid idea. 

Tags are open!

Bucky’s Journal - Love

For once I can’t sleep and it’s not because of something horrible. I’m just happy. 

It’s been a year since she slept in my bed that first night and never left. A whole year. 

Never thought this could happen, didn’t even think about love or happiness when I decided to keep living—to fight back. Too hard to think about those kinds of things because they seemed so impossible. But here she is, still in my bed, sound asleep and happy. Or at least I hope she’s happy. I think she is. 

This morning I made her breakfast, like the first morning we spent together. Y/N hadn’t realized the day, didn’t expect her to. I wrote in another journal the date so I’d remember (like I do everything haha). She had that smile on her face that scrunches her eyes, and her hair was all over the place from sleep. She was radiant--she’d roll her eyes if she knew I wrote that. It’s true though. 

I suspected it for a long while but now I think I really know that I’ve never felt this way for someone before. Sure there were dames I liked, I remember some of ‘em. Good women, a few I even wondered about marrying--wouldda made Ma happy to see that. But none of ‘em came close to Y/N. Maybe it’s everything we’ve been through but I just don’t think it’s only that. There’s a spark in her. She’s different. 

And goddamn she’s mine.

Bucky’s Journal - Present

Mr. G has been on the up and up. Says the fall always makes him feel like a new man even if it makes his bones ache. Wonder if I’ll ever be an old man with achy bones. 

Y/N watched the shop and he and I went for a stroll in the park close by. He had his little motorized scooter, even though he hates the thing said he’d feel bad not using it after his daughter got it for him. 

Told me in his old age he’s realized something he wished he knew when he was young, I’ll try to get it down just as he said it.

“Life is just a series of brief moments, happiness, joy, pain. We look at everything like a big portrait but it’s the moments that matter, in the end. We only have each thing for a moment. I wish I’d known that. I would have paid closer attention to the good moments and let the bad ones rest.”

He looked so tired after that, like the bad ones were winning out in the battle for his attention. I wanted to tell him I knew, understood what it was like to have so many bad ones that it’s hard to focus on the good but he thinks I’m young enough to be his grandson. Seems strange to say I understood. 

But he’s right. All these journals all this time spent just trying to catch even a fraction of a moment I’d forgotten. Piecing myself back together with them, bringing myself back to life with nothing but moments. I know how valuable they are, but the bad ones they matter too, can’t let them rest. 

Bucky’s Journal - Future

I wonder what our future could be. It’s hard to imagine too far ahead. Just not knowing what may be right around the next corner. It makes it hard. But she wanted me to think about the future when she gave me this. Maybe she meant just mine but there isn’t a future for me without her in it. 

I just wish I could get an idea of what that would look like?

If this was 1945 I know exactly what I’d want. I’d marry this woman in a heartbeat. Take her dancing, maybe at that real swell place in Harlem--bet that’s long gone. Go to the pictures with Steve and Peggy—they would have been good together if they had a chance. (Hope he’s found someone.) Maybe try to get us a brownstone, always wanted one. Fill it with a couple of babies. A little girl with all her momma’s moxie and those bouncy curls—a little girl with enough backbone to make her aunt Jo proud and me worried. 

But that doesn’t matter. Can’t have what doesn’t exist. 

When I think about the future now all I see is uncertainty. Only thing I know I want is her to be safe and happy—no matter what that means.. I’m thinking the first step is to move on from here. Been here too long, longer than I planned. I just don’t know how to tell her, don’t want her to feel like she’s losing another home. 

Bucky’s Journal - Love

I fell in love with her again today. Is that possible? 

She was baking (scones and biscuits, they’re some of the best things I’ve ever eaten I swear) wearing nothing but one of my tees—it had flower dusted on it but she didn’t care. Her headphones were in, listening to something she clearly liked a lot 'cause she was bouncing around the kitchen, curls spinning, body floating up from time to time, mouth moving to the lyrics, just smiling. That spark, my god it was just brighter than I’ve ever seen it. I think this must’ve been what she was like before—bold and confident and happy. 

I almost got up and grabbed her, wanted to kiss her so bad but I just couldn’t. My mouth was dry and my right palm felt sweaty. Felt like a nervous kid just gawking at her. So I just let the moment play on until she noticed me. Took a while thankfully, she was so caught up. 

When she kissed me she tasted like coffee and some of the dark chocolate chips she’d snuck while baking. She almost always tastes like coffee. Fuck, I love it. 

This is one of those good moments. There are so many with her. But the more I have the more I know that a million moments won’t be enough. 

Bucky’s Journal - Future

I finally told her.

Almost a year and a half in one place is too long. For now anyway. One day, hopefully, we can find a place to stay. To make a home. 

I laid out that the longer we stay the easier it is for someone to identify us—didn’t say I really just meant me. Even with her record I have no doubt there are more people sniffing for me than her.  

She’s reluctant to leave Mr. G. He’s back to his old self pretty much though. They have his condition stable and his kids are checking in more often. I haven’t met them, best to not, but she says they’re good people. Makes sense given who raised ‘em. 

Ultimately, though she said home was where I was, she didn’t care where we went. I don’t know how I became such a lucky bastard.

I’ll figure out where will be best, safest. Or safer anyway. 

Bucky’s Journal - Present

This woman. This incredible woman. 

I’m sure she’s sick of me by now but I can’t stop telling her how goddamn amazing she is. 

Yesterday we were heading back from the market and this piece of shit left arm just went ape shit. Couldn’t move it beyond weird twitching it was doin’ on its own and the pain. Fuck I thought I was gonna die, truly, thought it would stop my heart. Dropped everything I was carrying and doubled over. 

If she was panicked I never noticed. It’s kinda fuzzy but she got me behind a building away from people and used her gift to try to figure out what was happening. I know I didn’t make it easy judging by how torn up my shirt and hoodie were, must’ve clawed at them—done that in the past I remember, tried to claw the damn thing off. But she found something loose that seemed off, shoved her belt between my teeth for me to bite down on and fixed it. Just like that. 

Nearly passed out. Honestly not sure how she got me home exactly but when my head cleared she was wrapping my shoulder in hot towels—the muscles still hurt from the tension but would be worse if not for her. 

I don’t know what I did right to deserve this one. But I’m grateful. 

Y/N’s First Journal Entry

Bucky suggested I start this, said writing helps for the things you can’t find the words for. Maybe he’s right. I haven’t had a journal since I was 17. Keeping one when I was with mom was too risky and even after I didn’t want to write down things, it was like writing it made it real. And I just didn’t see the point.

Still feels like writing this down will make it too real. But I just can’t--I don’t want it to be real ya know? I can’t say this out loud either though ‘cuz if I do I think that’ll do me in, I’ll break and idk if I’ll get it back together. I can’t do that. I need to be solid for Mr. G for Buck too. 

He’s dying. Mr. Goldstein that is. Fuck. It just… I’m just tired of losing people. I know he’s lived a long full life but I’m selfish I’m not ready and I just. Can’t. 

This isn’t helping. 

Bucky’s Journal - Present

She begged me for more time. She didn’t have to. I feel bad that she thinks she did. Leaving now wouldn’t be right, not after everything Mr. G has done for us both. Wouldn’t even dream of it. 

She’s looking after the shop, I’ve been spending most days there too. Sure she thinks it’s just to be close to her which is nice but I think we both feel closer to him there. I try to avoid the hospital, don’t want too much face to face with his kids—too risky—but I’ve made it by a few times. He’s still him but he seems… smaller maybe? 

I feel guilty. Hearing about his kids from Y/N and just seeing him. Kinda glad I didn’t have to watch my own Ma and Pa go but that means the girls went through this without me and I — well I just never thought about it. Should have. 

New Years was last week. It wasn’t a happy one but we were together—sometimes that’s all we can hope for. 

Thought I knew what the future would be but now… just can’t tell. 

Y/N’s Journal

He’s gone. 

He knew it would be soon and asked Bucky and I to come by. He said he didn’t want us to be there at the end but wanted to remind us to take care of one another and that we’d made this last stretch a damn good one. Said this wasn’t goodbye, in fact he said he wouldn’t hear it. He’d see us later. 

He’ll never know. I hate that he’ll never know. Not who I really am not what he’s done for me for both of us all this time. I hate it. I hate that he’s not going to come in here today with a pretzel and coffee not gonna sit on his stool with Victor. Hate that he’s gone. 

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Other than my mouth just doesn’t want to work.

Feel like we’re both just stuck in our grief. Not withdrawing though. No. Just hard to put this into words. Out loud. 

I suppose I should be grateful, happy this sweet old man took two weird people in without question. Not a damn word when I went from looking like a boy to clearly presenting more as a woman. Never cared. Just cared that we were ok. 

I am grateful. 

I just wasn’t ready. 

His kids are closing the shop. Makes sense. They’ll take care of Victor too because we said we couldn’t. This is my last day in this shop. 

I’m so tired of losing people.

But I’ve got Bucky. He makes me wonder if there isn’t some kind of god out there, maybe trying to make up for shitting the bed by giving me him—giving us each other. I know he’s hurting too but he seems so unshakable. I’m lucky to get to love him. I just have to focus on that right now. We have a future to look forward to and a promise to keep to Mr. Goldstein—to take care of one another. 

That’s a promise I swear I will never break.

Tag List:

@bluegirlusa1​  @l0kisbitch​  @tazzi-baby​  @disagreetoagree​  @woodyandbuzz20-01​  @mooniightbucky​   @saundrasays​  @breezy1415​  @alyssaj23​  @mywinterwolf​  @wonderlandmind4​  @fairislesheets​  @anamcg317​  @buckaroo-barnes​  @jazztherebel​  @peachthatdrinkslemonade​  @regulusirius​   @auskitty​ @babyimp1967​ @katecolleen​  @handplucked​  @stevehesaidabadlanguageword​  @darkdragonphoenix​  @issanitydead​  @thestorydetective​  @buckysstar​  @wintersoldierswhore  @greyeyedsmile14​  @watchoutforfrostbite​  @for-the-love-of-the-fandom​  @jewelofwinter​  @siriuslycloudy2​  @hardygal69​  @marvelousmeggi  @jdoenson​  @gamorazenn​ @wildmoonflower​ @cutie1365​ @demonlover87​ @winterboobearsworld​ @this-kitten-is-smitten

[pkmn-r-us]

Second Chances and A New Beginning

[[ The first true piece on this blog! I hope you all enjoy this! ]]

Summary: With Team Rocket gone and with nowhere to go, you can’t help but keep finding your way back to the old underground base. Reminiscing on this and that when a sudden, familiar voice calls your name.

It was to be expected, Team Rocket was in shambles by the time they put out the radio call for the leader to return. Alas, he did not come. Interim Archer had predicted it and conceded defeat, accepting their fate and simply disbanding the organization for good.

For some this was a blessing of freedom, for others they ran off to join other groups, a few here and there didn't waste time in integrating themselves back within society with proper jobs and a change of heart. The executives, too, had taken it rather well and went on their separate ways. Well, all but one.

Left with nothing else and nowhere to go with Rocket and everyone now gone for good, you would often come back to the underground building in Goldenrod. It was a habit, you were quiet and often shy, you were probably one of few who truly did enjoy Team Rocket. There were places to hide and no one really bothered you outside of some notices of

The friends and family you had made within its confines through the years. It was like leaving home for a second time, that same sense of sadness and uncertainty of being off on your own. You weren't bad with battling and being a trainer, but you weren't really the one for such competition to seek out that sort of lifestyle. Instead, you were rather happy when Team Rocket had offered you a little job, it was free of registration and offered all that a mere office job would provide, but with additional benefits like housing and clothes and plenty of meals.. Who could really say ‘no’ to that?

Even despite your prior knowledge of the organization and the dastardly deeds they would often commit.. you still joined, telling yourself that as long as you had the job of running papers back and forth that you were perfectly fine. You didn't.. really do anything terrible there.. like the others. You were just an errand grunt, after all!

But, now..

That sort of thinking was reaching its limit, weighing heavy on your shoulders, doing nothing to ease your conscience and mind. It had only been a couple of months by now, but to you it felt like far too long since you smelled the coffee and smoke of Rocket HQ halls.. The underground was still under reconstruction by the city board

You never really bothered to think of what you'd wanted to do with yourself or your life, just going along with the flow of things. Drifting around until you got to where you were.. and then now here. It never registered in your mind that there would ever be a time that Team rocket would truly be gone, but..

It became all too much, remembering overwhelmed you and soon you began to cry. Quietly tears began to stream down your face and the world became a smudge colorful mess around you with sunset hues of the evening sky. You were blind to the world in this moment of sorrow, unable to take notice of your surroundings nor really care of the occasional passerby.

Then a voice came.

At first you didn’t hear it through your crying, but as it got closer you lifted your head to look around. You wiped your eyes and blinked  to clear them of the tears enough to make out proper shapes and not just swirling colors. Then you realized.. that voice was familiar. You couldn’t mistake it-- couldn’t believe it!

Whipping around you were startled by the sudden close presence, stepping back a few with a gasp. This seemed to alarm the person in question as they reflexively held out their hands in a catching manner.

“Wh-whoa--! Sorry ‘bout that-- I-- um... H-hey.”

The hands he held out now back to his own, one to his neck and the other his hip. He was adverting his gaze now, that wasn’t an intended reaction. He should have known after all, you used to be friends. Friends despite the gap in rank and status.. He was your superior, and you his grunt, but neither of you cared much for that. After all, Petrel has always been rather laid back.

“Ah-- H-hey--!”

Concern returned and he stepped closer. He expected more tears, but got much more than that instead as you collided into him. Burying your face into his chest as the tears began again, this time, though, they were happy. Never did you think you would see him again, yet here he was.

You stayed like this for a moment, only lifting your head to peek up at him when you heard him chuckle at your reaction.

“Y'missed me that much, huh?”

His voice and words were soft and gentle, placing a kind hand to your back with a sweet smile. He still looked a bit worried for you, which was understandable, after all you were crying your eyes out just a moment ago.

“Ah.. S.. S-sorry..” You wanted say yes, but instead shuffled away awkwardly, taking your hands back to your own sides. Eyes darting to the ground as you struggled to find words to say. It had been so long since you’d spoken to, much less seen your executive last even if he wasn’t an executive anymore.

“I miss the team..” you started quietly, “I miss everyone.. I don’t.. I-I got nothin’ without them..” you were trying hard not to cry again as you spoke, choking the urge back down as you continued, “I don’t know what to do or where to go anymore.. Team Rocket was.. all I had.”

As you spoke Petrel’s expression softened, walking up to and hugging you this time around. His warm hands caressed your back and your head to comfort you. When he felt you had calmed enough he knelt down to your level and took your hands in his and said, “How ‘bout we go sit down over there fer a bit.”

You nodded in agreement and followed after. There was a tangible hesitation between you both, a hesitation to take each others hand, but that little moment of hesitation did not last long, though, before you both were heading toward the underground building. Resting against the wall on the smooth concrete below, you took a deep breath to calm yourself even further, wiping your face as you did. Petrel, all the while, sat down with a little grunt and hum when he was comfortable. He stared up at the nearby trees and the clouds above in the setting sky.

For awhile he was silent, asking no questions and simply waiting until you were settled down and ready.

"So," he began with a soft tone, "Lemme get this right; You got nowhere t'go and yer at a loss?" playfully scratching at his little purple goatee he left out a huff. It was something akin to a sigh and a laugh. You quirked your head just slightly at this and affirmed his query.

"Well.. Team Rocket ain't ever been good, was bound to happen eventually. The fall and disband, I mean."

As he spoke you turned your head up to the stars, watching as some Pidgey and Hoothoot flew by across the freckling sunset sky.

"I ain't much of a therapist or counselor so I don't really know much about this, but.. Just cuz this part of yer life has ended doesn't mean it's all over for ya yet."

That sounded so cheesy, you thought and smiled. It was really like him to say something like that... It cheered you up a little.

"You'll be able to find a new occupation, yer a strong kid. I know you can do it. And..." He started going quiet. Bringing a hand to his neck as his eyes darted in the opposite direction of you. You were curious now, and for some reason you started feeling bashful, too.

"If.... If y'got.. Nowhere else to go.. I got a little flat not too far from here... It's still got some room for one more party member... If yer interested. I understand if yer not or if yer put off by the Koffing--"

He was stuttering a little now, something you've noted before when he was flustered or embarrassed about something. And you were shocked by what he was offering. To let you stay with him? For real? You almost felt your heart jump then. Gawking like a Magikarp at him, now.

Catching glimpse of your reaction he did a double take. Shaking his hands and turning red.

"N-Not in any weird way, though! I-I mean--! Only if y'wanna... R-room with me.... I'd..... I'd be honored t'have ya and to help.. whenever y’needed it.."

You both were as red as a a Charmeleon now.

Petrel scrambled to his feet and paced with a hand at his hip and the other at his neck. You couldn't see his face for he had his back turned to you. You didn't mind, though, it gave you a bit of confidence to give your answer.

"I-I'd... I-I'd be honored, too... Petrel. Thanks.."

He froze in place for a moment, processing your response. Then, he turned around slowly, shyly, it was kind of cute. You really couldn't help but smile a bit at the sight.

All in one swift moment, though, his face burned as red as the sun as it faded beyond the horizon. And a Gengar grin grew on his reddened features. He was relieved to hear that. Nervous before that you might have rejected him and his offer. However, he quickly realized how goofy he looked and cleared his throat, changing his demeanor almost as quickly as he had reacted.

"That's great! Oh, the Koffing will love ya!" he wanted to say, it was written on his face as he came close again. Holding out a hand to help you to your feet again. He was thrilled, thrilled! You could see it in his eyes as you went up from the hard cement ground. His face was all lit up and it made your heart thump.

“I’d love the Koffing, too.” you said with a smile, your tears all dried and gone away with your worries from before. It was remarkable. How Petrel, lighthearted and funny ex-executive Petrel, could cheer you up. He was always good at that, making people smile and feel better when they were feeling down. You knew this from experience.

After all.. he was your executive.. and now it was just you and him and the Koffing to boot. This was a new life you never thought you’d have.

But now, you wouldn’t want to have it any other way.