#but i am glad 2 b sharin this burden as well..
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okay very srs vent / trauma dump ahead i seriously advise No1 reads this..
tw for the same described in last rb i am sorry
i apologise for usin this acc for ventin a lot heh i prommy i try 2 keep it silly.. but its more convenient here than on instagram. 🙏
#i know it is an extremely heavy topic but really when i think ab it. it also stays so unspoken abt cuz of this culture of not talkin ab it#its kinda like a he who shall not b named thing#n i of course feel an insane amnt of guilt n shame even tryin 2 bring it up#jts even more terrifyin for someone with did. i didn always know we had this baggage#but certain memories wer shared with me by one of our trauma holders in a flashback & it. it like everythin suddenly made sense#its like. puzzle pieces comin together like Oh so this why we have this. this is why we have survival instincts on top of survival instincts#this is why we r deadly scared of everyone in this household. this is why im so anxious with the. all too feasible idea of ofhers besides#Him bein attracted to us too#idk memories r a blur but suddenly there is a reason dat i realise Why we wer growin up with primal fear n grief instilled when#it comes to family & .. closeness#sure i have my own notions abt it as well havin the exomemories thst i do but. they also mske so much more sense once i learned our#lived experiences#we still live under the same roof with him#its been.. 16-ish years. it started arnd when we wer 4-5 purely judgin off our trauma holders age. shes a little girl. surprisingly quiet#im glad she is warmin up to people (friends & partner) nowadays altho she hasn been arnd for months now..#i worry but i think her bein away for now is for da best#but yeah. i feel awful jus knowin shes the one who took most of dat & the one still carryin the memories#i remember jus. feelin a deep void for weeks after i got the flashback. its an indescribable feelin my chest honesly hurts as im typin this#but i am glad 2 b sharin this burden as well..#its weird cuz it started n then ended n its been years of weird uncertainty where its not like we r actively bein abused (by him) but#there wer Moments#gawd jus last year. i remember wkain up2 him on top of me#n iys this weird kind of thing where ya feel yr body violently shake n jolt awake like a literal fight or flight respojse wakin ya up#the only reason he left is cuz i screamedwso loud i woke others up#then later he acted like he was drunk n apologised#i.. did nawt forget#i also will never forget the. actual childhood memories but god they ffeel entirely too disgustin to even put in text#they feel like they r fiction made to specifically awaken most fierce disgust ya can feel#but they r not. how??#i reached max tags...
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