#its very hard loving someone who doesnt believe they deserve to be loved and cared for and thats ok

[sludgeguzzler]

i try to remember when i first started having a deeply negative opinion of myself and then i think of when i was like a 7 year old and told my parents i didnt deserve to get ungrounded bc "there [was] no coming back from this, dad" (i hadnt cleaned my room)

[impactrueno]

I saw your twt about holding back on telling stories with serious and deep tones and it reminded me of an issue I had a while back. Im a south park fan and I loved reading deep analysis of the characters. and south park being south park, people dont take it seriously and think its just funny so it doesnt deserve deep analysis like other forms of media. I always came across comments saying "its not that deep" or "doing all of that for south park" and I used to hate that so much because why are you commenting that under the authors post? In media there is like a "spectrum" of how deep you are in it as a fan, and it doesn't make you less of a fan if you like to binge watch the show when you feel like it because its funny. Someone who makes fan fiction and psychoanalyses the characters doesnt make them a better fan than you. I hate "it's not deep" because it is that deep to me, I enjoy it, but it dismisses critical thinking and discourages deep discussions about our interests. I want to learn more about the turning point for eric cartman and the friendship dynamics between the main 4. I want to read psychoanalysis of the characters and understand why they do the things they do. I loved reading fan fics with an author that understood how the characters work and put them in situations while making it believable. Whether the content was deep and serious or lighthearted and silly. I don't see those as cringe at all. What I see as cringe is trying to downplay someones time and effort. you dont care for it. cool, just dont make it our problem.

I believe in recent years, this cringe and its not that deep mentality is linked to media literacy/reading comprehension issues. On top of the fact, that fandoms right now has been "normalized", so alot of mean and rude kids and adults are in this space not having a mature and respectful conversation and discussions, as well as zero fandom etiquette. (I understand the past wasnt this magical respectful place but this behaviour has increased compared to past years).

Please don't worry about making deep content, its super fun and there will be fans of what you write/draw that will definitely be into it.

GOSH anon you are absolutely right. cringe culture has done some serious damage to people's creativity and freedom of expression. doing things in earnest is now cringe to so many people (specifically that 18-21 age where they think they're better than everyone else and everything is cringe to them, image is everything) and they actually give you shit for it?? it's crazy. the most harmless thing in the world. whenever my hey arnold comics would leave my target audience on instagram i would get the meanest comments for no fucking reason, because i was taking hey arnold "seriously" (nevermind that hey arnold is probably the nicktoon with the most emotional depth and moments besides ginger but i digress) but hey at least i'm not the one losing my marbles over some random cartoon comic on the internet.

i think rudeness in general has been too normalized not just in fandom, but in social media in general. it's sad. the only thing you can do about it is be kind as much as you can to counterbalance it. i'd like to think that rubs off on people just like how being rude rubbed off on them.

i said that thing about holding back because i'm admittedly too hard on myself sometimes. no one is calling me cringe or making fun of me for what i do, thankfully, people have been super cool and supportive. and it means a lot to me because i'm very earnest about everything i create, even when i try to hold back. i literally cannot help being myself. it's all i know how to do. i'm just glad i was able to grow a platform where i'm free to be openly passionate about the things i like, talk about them and why i like them, the little things that i find fascinating, the emotions they make me feel, all of that shit is awesome and i wish more people did that.

[ultimateloserboy]

thinking about how fluffybird changes each others personalities so much that they confuse most people which leads to accidental mischaracterization.

duck is horrible to literally everyone, including those he loves— EXCEPT red guy. he will be blunt or rude, sure, but he will NEVER treat red guy specifically with the malice he treats others with. BUT!! this will never be acknowledged. ducks obvious favoritism will be ignored both by himself AND red guy because red guy, most of the time—literally doesnt care which contradicts the fact he wants love more than anything

duck is an exception to him just like he is to duck— but in a negative way. duck isnt a red thing, or his parents or uncle— why should he care for HIS love? whats it matter? he doesn’t fully believe that, but hes convinced himself he does. sometimes it will slip, and youll be able to hear the softness in his voice when duck walks into a room— but that isn’t acknowledged either even when its fairly obvious to everyone but him.

speaking of his apathy— red guy, despite normally being pretty alright even in his most uncaring moments— despite being the one that is universally known for being a pretty chill guy— will be apathetic to duck (and yellow) to the point of cruelty at times. he will say awful things to them, dismissive things that he doesnt truly mean but will say them with a tone full of boredom that makes it hit HARD. this ALSO wont be acknowledged. he will always get away with it because hes supposed to be the fan/universes favorite which is played into often. but also— neither red or duck want to admit when something hurts them or makes them feel anything in general.

BUT thats not really true for duck, is it? hes always been proud of his feelings, or at the very least obvious with them. youd think with how duck acts hed be ashamed to be so weakened by a man— but he ISNT. he states his care for red guy proudly to the point of arguing. people credit red guy for being the one to confess like he fell first, but theyre dead wrong. duck has loved red guy his entire existence. loving red guy is natural to him and hes astonished when red guy rejects him because he genuinely believes they were MADE for each other (this includes yellow as part of the family, but again— red guy is special. hes quite literally his special one)

when red guy confesses to duck— duck isnt surprised because he hadnt realized himself, hes surprised because after decades of loving someone whose constantly ignored him hes not only being told he feels the same but is also being given a direct compliment from a guy who often dismisses him (which is deserved at times btw dont get me wrong here)

I think people dont realize that duck only didnt “confess” because he didnt feel he needed to. it never crossed his mind because to him they were literally stitched together for each other what confession is needed? thats his best friend. no need for fancier words or discussions, its something hes always known and he assumed red guy knows whether or not he chooses to acknowledge it.

but the point is, duck fell first and red guy fell harder. dont get it twisted yall

[zestyjesty]

The Barbarian keeps rolling around my brain so I have many many thoughts under the cut

1. I saw someone talk about the house itself having layers and yes absolutely, the house and the different men we meet represent rape culture in a very literal sense. We start at the top of the iceberg in the house with Keith's "i wont take no for an answer" and not believing Tess about the basement because women who are upset just arent to be believed, and then AJs and then Frank in escalating worseness as we delve deeper into the house.

2. On the Mother ultimately being a victim but still being the monster who Tess has to kill, I actually think it does a lot about how you are raised and how that shapes what you think is normal and the harm you do. Again we start with Keith who is slightly traditional and says its "how i was raised", then we have AJ at the bar with a very old friend and went he tells him he had to "persuade" this girl and "yeah she said no at the start but like totally not by the end you know" his friend agrees and doesn't think thats rape. Basically, if you dont do the extra work to unlearn what youve been brought up to think is normal, you will absolutely inflict harm and be part of rape culture because thats how society currently is. (Clearly we dont hear about frank but if hes the type for 70s rapist/serial killer firstly is a very sexist society and secondly hes parents are 90% likely to be abusive, that combo is what made most serial killers from the 60s-80s). And the thing is despite being raised that way despite thinking it was normal AJ still deserves to be punished for harming that woman because he still did harm. And the mother doesnt know any better but she will still hurt Tess if Tess let her.

3. The final scene where Tess doesnt let her empathy stop her from thinking about herself for once is very important! Over and over she has thought about other people and got herself kidnapped and hurt for it over and over. So at the end when we still the Mothers incredibly human eyes for the very first time up close, and seeing how she cares, and its meant to pull on your heart strings, and Tess says I dont care what you want because Im going to think about me first. Clearly theres a gender gap not addressed (god i wished she got to kill AJ) but it works if we think of the Mother as the concept of distilled rape culture rather than a real person

4. I loved seeing the mechanics of the script happening in the real time. The story of the director writing himself into a corner 30 pages in and thats why the mother shows up in her first scene (i think thats why Frank shoots himself, like straight up wrote himself into another corner and goes fuck it Frank shoots himself).

5. I saw someone else didnt like the shift to AJs storyline but i really liked it, most horror movies have a hard time with pacing so they either start reallyyyyy slowly (peele) or just try to keep the suspense and terror up the whole time and theres always a flat bit in the middle and you get desensitised to it all and stop caring (halloween.....all of them). So i loved this take of doing it all again but from a completely opposite POV, normally they wouldve run the storylines concurrently so having it 1 and then 2 was just really interesting and pretty bold

6. I cannot tell you how many horror movies ive seen where the closing shot is a wide shot of the house/maze/town whatever of the final girl, and its all lit up with red/blue cop lights. Like thats normally when the film ends, when the cops show up we roll credits. So to have just the most unhelpful, apathetic, fucking rude cops cops instead was cool. I didnt even find them to be over the top (sometimes movies when theyre trying to do a 'cops suck' segment make them caricatures of villainy or bafoonery rather than making then real), but to have their very casual but unflinching demand of respect to themselves from everyone above all else, not seeing a filthy terrified woman with no possesions at all as anything unusual but a broken window thats for sure a crime. Yeah that was scary real, really well done.

7. It felt very classic horror with enough modern twists to keep it grounded in this year without being overbearing about it. Like when horror films are trying a bit too hard with that its just very sighhhhh (like in halloween 2018 they had a teen boy say out loud "i like you that means im gonna get some right??" Like no one talks like that whereas AJs version of events sounds like something a real person would say). And the house with a monster in its walls has absolutely been done before and yet watching this felt fresh bc it was playing on your expectations of the genre.

For a horror debut from a guy whose background is 2000s comedy I think he did really really good! Looking forward to what else he does

[dullweapons]

𝐦𝐚𝐣𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐚 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐭. asked by @sidxras & @nihlkahn ♡

𝟎𝟎.  𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐨𝐥 :  what are your muse’s thoughts on new beginnings ? does it frighten them or  excite them ?

there is no new beginnings . the world is trapped in a cycle & will always circle back to the same events in different fonts . dawn believes in anew beginnings & has hope for brighter futures but ray is too caught in the reality that the pain the kingdom goes through every few decades will happen again & again so them moving to a different part of hyrule for ' new beginnings ' or when war ends ⸻ it's just a waiting period for the next painful part of the cycle . neither excitement nor fear ... just waiting .

𝟎𝟏.  𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐧  :   how does your muse feel about fate ? do they believe they can change their own destiny ?

hates it ! hates it so much . he wants to drag the gods from their heaven & snap their necks with his bare hands . the cycle is fated to happen due to the curse of the gods & he wants to see it broken . a few times he's taught about getting the triforce himself to shatter the cycle so that he can finally be free but so far has failed each time . i do have a small webcomic / fanfic idea where ray does make a whole plan to trap the three triforce bearers in a painted world so he can get the triforce & finally free the world but idk ! for his own destiny ... he isn't sure he has one ? he simply operates on what he is good at : fighting & killing .

𝟎𝟓.  𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭  :    what are your muse’s morals / ethics ? do they follow their moral code strictly ?

moral code is ... difficult to pin down when ray's own ideals shift through the timeline . from the beginning up until OOT he is a die hard lover of hyrule & will do anything to protect it & its people . hurt no innocents . slay monsters & always uphold the rule of the royal family with pride . then the civil war begins to shatter his mindset of ' hyrule is good ' . he shakes it off but downfall , he loses it mind & hates the kingdom of hyrule & vows to destroy everything . child era he continues to keep his love for the kingdom but is growing tired of the cycle & begins to wonder if the kingdom will ever be happy but remains a loyalist . adult era is tricky . is a bit of a mix . he refuses to leave as the kingdom drowns but grows resentful of new hyrule ⸻ believing it to be a bastard version of the kingdom he loves . still a loyalist but a bitter one who spits in the face of progress. then BOTW happens & all timelines reconnect & ray has memories of all three eras & .... he has no more morals . he kills what he wants , joins the army just so he can fight & talks down to the royal crown when he can get away with it . truly a man with nothing left . beyond the cycle : he upholds honor in fights , refusing to fight someone not on even ground ( they must have a weapon , they cannot be hurt already as that's unfair to them , 1v1 is possible ) . through most timelines he doesnt hurt kids & tries his best to be kind to them . ( ww is on sight with link & tetra tho he gonna fuck 'em kids up ) & for the most part he doesn't break the law ... a lot . yeah he kills ppl but usually someone who deserves to die like an abuser or p/edo . last he tries not to eat people , opting for rats or wild animals .

𝟎𝟕.  𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐭  :    how much does your muse care about winning ? are they a sore loser ?

o yeah he loves to gambling / card games & yells " YOU CHEATED " when he loses lol . bit of a sore loser unless he playing with kids then he'll grumble under his breath & reward the kid for winning . during fights he doesn't care so much about winning but it being a good battle that makes him feel something passionately for once in his life .

𝟏𝟏.  𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐞  :  does your muse find it easy to be impartial in emotional situations ?

he isn't a very emotional person , outwardly anyway . he has feelings & that muddy decisions but as a general / captain / queen he is able to put his feelings aside to do that is best for the many over the few . some may see his choices to be heartless but he understands some situations require pain or bloodshed to protect the greater good . that being said .... he does lose his cool during the downfall timeline & attempts to bring back ganon himself in a fit of rage @ god . but that was after thousands of years of pain & suffering . so he got a big buffer of what bullshit you can toss at him before he loses it & makes rash choices .

𝟏𝟑.  𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡  : is there anything in your muse’s life that they should be letting go of ?

girl calm down about the cycle pls just live ur life . the anger he feels towards his father / maker . their relationship is backwards to him . a loving father turned into an abusive master when for lamatar , he learned from the horrible treatment he gave ayrin/ray during the ancient battle & tried to be the best father he could be -- unaware he fulfills the prophecy of ayrin becoming ray . ray blames him for everything bad in his life & that is only partially true ? lamatar loved him greatly but its ray who continues to throw himself at wars over & over again , reliving his trauma instead of allowing himself to heal & grow past it . not saying ray should forgive lamatar or invite him back into his life but to finally allow that wound to close .

𝟏𝟕.  𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫  :    what does your muse take inner comfort in knowing ? what guides your muse ?

great question !! i'm not sure he even knows what guides him ?? for a good part of the timeline where he is a loyalist he takes comfort in the fact he can help protect the people of hyrule . but has stated above that love dies as the timeline goes on ... beyond hyrule ray is simply the idea of ' survive ' . no matter what , ray will remain even when nothing else stands ... ray will be there . he does take comfort in his long list of past lovers . it reminds him that he is loveable even when he reject the idea he is something worthy of love . they remind him of better moments of his life , times when he was able to at least pretend to live a normal life where he got married ( & in some verses have kids ) . ray has a collection of items from these lovers that he keeps with him .

𝟐𝟏.  𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝  : is there one thing in life that your muse must accomplish ? what will they do when they complete that goal ?

no idea again !!! maybe its kill god !!! get the triforce ?? who knows !!! problem with ray is that he just kinda exists to suffer this cycle !!!! my man is just surviving .

[mortuaest]

Large rant, sorry. Please ignore if any of the trigger warnings are going to be an issue. I need to get it off of my chest because if I rant on FB I get hit with a character limit and I should make a personal Tumblr which I think I have but dont remember shit about.

Ive been having severe, and I mean severe as fuck mental and emotional breakdowns because of the fact that its literally been almost a year (Its going to be a year October 29th) since I've had to put down Ice Cube, my ESA of 14.5 years. He had cancer in his cheek and it was placed right to where it would effect his quality of life severely negatively if we tried to surgically take it out, and he would possibly die on the table if we did it because of his age, and he was declining (He wasn't eating, he was drinking, he really wasnt eating as much as I wanted him to, he was spitting back up the pills I was giving him, he was suffering) and my mental and emotional health has been severely suffering each and every day that passes without him.

I have another cat, I got him in April, thinking I was alright. Which I was I guess. Im being reminded via FB memories and just my own fucked up brain wanting me to join him to where I'm legit giving myself until December 31st, 2023 to have someone. Anyone give me a fucking sigh to keep on living. Im going to be going through a program my friend suggested to make a will, making her I forgot the words she used but shes going to make sure that my will is listened to and Albert Whisker, the cat I have now is taken care of.

I cant keep on living, and the fact that this heartbreak is fucking me up so badly to the point where the large baggie of medications (ranging from insomnia medications to Very STRONG painkillers and such, as well as my daily medications the day of me going to attempt) is very tempting to take now. And I mean very tempting. Meaning I almost took it yesterday, after my first mental break and me physically hurting myself by slamming a brush ungodly hard into my head because I legit believe I deserve everything that has happened to me (The physical, emotional and mental abuse that I got for 20 some odd years from my mother, the severe car accident from last year, the rapes, everything. My friends being murdered or dying around me, loosing the only thing that even brought light to my life).

No one in my life cares. No one seems to care. Ive been severely struggling and each time IVe even bothered to reach out for help via friends. Since my father hates me for being trans and my sister doesnt give a fuck to even bother to help me. My mother was the cause of my two rapes/sexual assaults in my life and wants me dead because Im autistic. No one wants to help, or no one seems interested in even keeping me around.

Cosplay isnt helping. Video games aren't either. I havent felt any happiness since last year. I could deal with this if he was still alive. But at the same time Im lying to myself, I havent known what made me happy other than my past cat Ice Cube. I stayed for him since I love him. I had him since he was five weeks old. We bonded. Its not the case with Albert and I feel he loves me but we dont have the connection and never will.

Im never going to feel anything other than severe misery and depression. At least, that's what I 100% believe.

TLDR: Im severely struggling and dont know what to do anymore. I dont trust my new therapist even though she has stated more than once and my friend who also goes to her has stated more than once she wont send me to inpatient or CPAP and she tries to avoid hospitalization if we can. But because of multiple decades of PTSD, abuse, and being denied the proper treatment, help, support from friends and family that I should of gotten Im at the point where Im giving myself until December 31st to find a reason to stay alive and if I dont then Im letting my queue run out.

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

I dont think anyone else has noticed this tho im sure you have (namely the people acting like clowns in the titanic tag, not you) but the 19yr old did not want to go on that sub, he was terrified and only did it to make his dad happy..idk.. it is very tragic and upsetting and even more so that people seem to ignore this and keep going on their weird jokes about the entire thing, saying how they all wanted to go when no, the 19yr old did not want to at all. I think going down was totally uncalled for, I think stock rush got four people killed and he is terrible for that and deserved what happened to him, i think it is sick he turned a mass grave site into a tourist attraction for bored rich people..but I think people just heard the word rich for these other four and just right away assumed they deserved to die when idk...I did some reading on each of them and they, aside from the obvious ick of being rich, seemed like decent people who made a very very poor choice and trusted the wrong person which led to them dying. the paul guy was (correct me if im wrong) a well respected titanic researcher for over 30yrs, the british man was trying to make flying more sustainable for the planet and such (again correct me if wrong) and the dad and son seemed to do a lot of charity work and were overall kind people..but yeah they seemed like far better people then most celebs people love so the entire thing rubs me wrongly, two things can coexist, the entire thing was wrong and not ok and stock was sick for what he did and his death was justified, but I also have a hard time believing the other four truly deserved to die (Sorry this is random just wanted to hear your thoughts!) :)

ive written the reply to this about five times now because i also struggle with my feelings based around what happened.

on one hand, i do genuinely feel for them, especially suleman dawood who was a 19-year-old kid. i think youd have to lack a heart to not feel for him.

on the other, i fully understand where people are coming from when they dont give a shit about them. two of them were billionaires and the other two were multi-millionaires. i come from a working class background and a single-parent family so it is difficult to feel bad for someone with that much money dying because of a decision they made.

but that doesnt mean i dont feel bad for them, because i do. five human beings died and i just naturally feel for them even though my conscious brain struggles to keep up with that emotion.

and as youve said, some of them seemed to genuinely do good things.

sulemans father shahzada funded mental healthcare for pakistani citizens during covid-19 and was looking into renewable energy.

paul-henri nargeolet had been involved in underwater searches for rms carpathia as well as a flight recorded from a plane that crashed though both were unsuccessful. hed also found a roman wreck as well as an aircraft that had crashed in 1979, giving some closure to the families of those who had perished. he has done a lot of important research on the titanic.

iirc hamish hardings company action aviation has helped the indian government and a namibian cheetah conservation company to reintroduce cheetahs to india, which is objectively a very good thing.

its difficult to parse through how you feel about the disaster because people are messy, and they do both good and bad things.

i dont think i know enough about any of the four adults aboard to say whether the good theyve done outweighed the bad, and whether other people even care about that when it comes to their feelings about this.

the one i know for sure that i dont feel bad for is stockton rush because this was entirely his fault.

im not gonna get into the weeds as to why exactly titan was badly designed, but to save money and for "simplicity", he employed some experimental techniques like the use of carbon fibre and the pressure pod (i hope i have the right word here) being cylindrical. he ignored regulations and laws, he used expire carbon fibre, and he turned a mass gravesite into a tourist spot.

and i hate him even more for how he designed oceangate. the way they work is that each dive would technically be research-based, but to fund it (even though rush is a multi-millionaire), they would allow people to buy tickets to come along. and i hate this more than if it was just tourism because the way hes tied them together has made it harder to criticise the dives because they have done important research.

i definitely he misled people because if you dont know about this sort of vessel, youre likely to defer to someone who helped to develop it.

however, i would err on the side of both harding and nargeolet knowing how unsafe it was. nargeolet had done countless dives just like it and he was in this world where people were saying this isnt safe. we also know that harding knew because his friend victor vescovo, who found the deepest shipwreck in the world (the samuel b roberts), told him that it was unsafe, but harding went anyway.

ive kinda just been rambling in my reply because i do feel torn about it. people died and i struggle not to feel for them, even if my logical brain is arguing with that. i think many people struggle to believe anyone deserves to die because were humans and we are meant to care about each other. its how we survived as a species for so long. but there are people in this world where if they died, the world would objectively be a better place.

at the end of the day, im not the authority on how anyone feels about this and i dont begrudge anyone for their feelings. the world is not black and white, and so much exists in the morally grey area.

youre entitled to feel however you do, anon. dont let others make you feel bad about it.

[creacherkeeper]

5, 12, 16, and 30 (bo and max and hawk)

5. Do you have a favorite NPC? Or type of NPC?

i mean you know i love them fucked up. tbh i think my favorite type of npc is just? morally grey? npcs who dont have good choices but make the best of what they have. npcs who do bad things out of love. npcs who know they arent making the right choices but do them anyway for reasons that are hard to explain. npcs who do good things for fucked up reasons. love an npc i can Chew On. who my actual favorite is very much depends on the day and what convos im having lmao

12. What's your favorite part of playing DND?

as a player, the character relationships. simply dnd is my soap and i love the little guys being in Situations together. how the pcs grow together .... how the pcs and npcs interact .... everything the npcs have going on behind the scenes .... i love a Character and im putting them all in my mouth

16. Do you have any archetypes you tend to play?

sadbois lol. but i've played an incredible variety of characters and thats how i like it. i like stretching my comfort zone when it comes to character's i'll play and while for long running characters i do like them to be a little Tragic, i've played pcs all over the board (i counted a few days ago and have played 24 pcs over the last 6 years. so.)

30. What are their thoughts on justice?

bo: bo thinks justice is people. he doesn't believe in cosmic justice or fate or anything like that. he thinks justice is someone saying "i will do good today" and then doing that. he thinks if everyone woke up and said "i will do one thing that i can today" the world would all be okay. he very much believes in like. Goodness and not so much in punishment. he will always always reach out in kindness if that's an option available to him and he doesn't care if it backfires on him as long as he tried

maxwell: max believes that people are fundamentally people and that people will do good when they're motivated to and do bad when they're motivated to and it doesn't get a lot more complicated than that. he doesnt really believe in Good And Evil but believes in kindness and selfishness and the fact that they often coexist not only in the same people but the same actions. he believes that bad actions deserve to be punished but that good actions often go overlooked. mostly he thinks everything has Context and that context is often more important than the thing itself

hawk: hawk is very much the like. guy in a world that is too big for him kind of character. his world was very small for a very long time and he didn't have magic for a very long time and so a lot of his thoughts on justice are very like. kind of small and practical. people should take care of other people. act with fairness. do your best even when its hard. dont act with cruel motivations even if the act itself can seem harmful. he believes violence has a place and serves a purpose but hasn't really like. seen the kind of violence some of the other characters have. he is kind of just some hick in a like. wild fantasy world and so his Scope on his moral compass can run into issues sometimes. mostly he believes in fairness

[thegleampt3]

more umineko thoughts. spoilers etc

im reading the manga for the ep 8 halloween party and once again getting emotional and also thinking about. Morality and the fact that yeah very very few people are truly evil. and also as much as i despise certain umineko characters i think it is true that yeah they werent all awful all of the time and that is a way that people are for better or for worse. someone who can be awful and cause a lot of pain to one person can be delightful and kind to someone else. that doesnt make their horrible actions justified or inherently make them worthy of forgiveness but the complexity of humans is very interesting. also i do personally believe that kinzo in particular does not deserve any sort of peace or forgiveness but if the people who were most harmed by his actions want to live in a world where circumstances were different and where he was not a horrible abuser i can understand that fully. its ultimately up to the people harmed to decide how they will heal. all of the parents who absolutely do still contribute to a lot of their children's suffering also do all have moments where they are shown to care a lot about their children and that obviously also hits very hard for a lot of people myself included who have complex relationships with their parents etc but i think umineko in particular does it really well. i also think battler is a really great protagonist because he contrasts so much with how a lot of the other ushiromiyas are presented, he's an outsider, he's a stupid 18 year old boy, he's for the most part extremely kind and sweet and so so empathetic HOWEVER THAT BEING SAID I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR BEING MEAN TO MARIA EVER but that in itself is an example of the point i am trying to get to here where a lot of those traits that i do consider to be positive end up hurting people around him even more. he's genuine and overly trusting and just Cannot accept that any of his family members would do horrible things which is.. so understandable and i was definitely in the same mindset as him when i was going through the early episodes even though i saw how horrible all of the parents were i just... wanted to believe in them because battler did. and that is also a large part of the tragedy to me. paired with the fact too that he made what was at the time a sweet promise to sayo but ended up being hurt so much by his own family too that he was unable to come back. and i fully understand why he wanted nothing to do with the ushiromiyas and i also fully understand why it caused sayo so much pain especially with all of her dysphoria and thinking that her body was broken and later on learning the circumstances of her birth... its just so sad. i think its really good writing though having most of the ushiromiya parents be people who are so so awful and cause so much pain and yet Do have love for their children and Do have the potential to break the cycle of abuse. paired with battler who while being so so kind also has the ability to cause unspeakable amounts of pain. i am kind of losing my train of thought now goodbye thank you for reading my incoherent thoughts if you did

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 2/3/2023

I’m realizing now the shame that i feel, basically everyday moving through my body. I feel shame basically all of my waking life, but i choose not to focus on it and just keep buying it down. Well i dont feel it every moment, but i do have a shame complex and a comparing complex. I realize the ways jealous is a big part of my experience with myself and with others. I feel jealously just like anyone else, but i’ve always denied it. Im happy that now i can express it and truthfully point out that its here. 

Being able to point out the feelings that are present in me has been such a big help in me discovering myself. All of those feelings are a part of me and being able to point them out allows them to be seen and enables me to create a relationship with the different parts of me.

I’m starting to separate the shame i feel from the groundedness i feel in my magick. When i live my life as if i am magic i feel stronger, more powerful. Like im finally taking my place in the cosmos. When I deny my magick i feel separate. Maybe my magick is just my connection with divinity. Which in turn is my connection with all things. It feel good to feel a part of this whole. Knowing that i am a small fragment of this bigger consciousness, but also an important part, or i wouldnt be here. 

I’ve felt so much shame about my body and the person that I am. Im still processing it all and also processing the physical abuse i’ve experienced. 

I got distracted by Leah who sent me a reel. I miss her. I miss sharing space with someone else. I liek having someone around, but i also like having my own space. Me and jordan were talking about living together at one point, and i just dont know about that. Thats seems like a lot of processing for me. It seems so lesbian to move in together so quickly, but theyve become a very important person in my life very quickly. I truly appreciate them and want to make sur eim not creating a situation out of loneliness and desperation. 

But that does bring up the shame around my body. When i feel body shame i kinda just dive deeper into my vices. 

Literally every time i start talking about my body i get distracted. Ugh. this is a hard spot for me. My body and my body issues. The worthiness that i feel around my body. I feel like im not worthy because im fat. I feel like im fat because im not a good person taking care of myself, and i feel shame for not taking care of myself. Ugh. what a cycle. Its all dug in so deeply. The shame is so deep to where even when im actively telling myself that i am always worth of love and there is nothing wrong with me i dont even believe it. 

I can see the ways where im still looking for validation from outside of me. I want that validation. Why cant i give that validation to myself. Or why is it that when i try to validate myself i dont believe it. I’m trying to be slow and compassionate with myself and allow myself to be loved by me bit by bit. I do feel the part pf me that thinks i need to get this done now. Like im running out of time. I’m actually in a really good spot. Im in a place where i know who i am, i know whats here, i’m open to discovering more, and im open to changing my views in order to support the whole. 

Shame isnt bad, its just here. Pain isnt bad its just here. Its all here. Every part of me deserves to be loved. Every part of me is here to be loved and to start working together. Im feeling the urge to smoke right now, im wondering what part of me is that. The part of me that doesnt wanna feel on this earth? The part of me that likes feeling ungrounded? Im not sure. I like that i live in discovery. 

Why are my morning pages so hard to write today? Maybe its because im a little out of practice. I remember reading in a little document about self care for creatives that the author didnt have consistency in her practice until about 4 years in. that makes me feel better because i like JUST started. I really do feel like a new life started for me every since i started going to Stop 43. Like, i wanna be able to do all the exciting things i’ve always wanted and live life with playfulness and joy. I want this all to be a game. So these morning pages are part of the points i can accumulate. I dont get point taken, only added. And maybe each month i can calculate how many points i just just to quantify. That makes sense. And then ill use my podcast to summarize the previous month. I should post that on monday. Ill record on sunday. 

I keep thinking about doing the OF and i know im thinking of it because im desperate for money, but also im working through a lot of body stuff now. Im thinking about the value judgements im putting on sex work. Its still the “its ok for other people but not for me” thing and i dont know why thats there. What is it that doesnt feel aligned? I know a lot of it is personal conditioning. A lot of it is from living this double life where sex and being sexual was prosecuted but then also celebrated. This is the problem i have. These different truths that live inside me. The truth hat feels better is the one that is not attached to shame. The one that is a healthy expression of my sexual side. I like when other people think i’m hot. I like when other people like me. I get off on that. What was the thing that i said to jordan the other day?

Once i was getting a massage by a male masseuse and i was moaning so much at one point he was like “ugh i love you”. And i wasnt turned on by him, but i was turned on by the fact that he was turned on by me.

I think the shame around my body and others bodies are just projections from what other people put on me. I actually transcend the body and am attracted to the energy. But lets not get it twisted, i do have two working eyes and am definitely attracted to peoples bodies. And for it it doesnt matter what gender they adhere to or not. A sexy person is a sexy person for me. That can be a combination of body and spirit. I think some people out here just have a sexy spirit. Like, yo, you got a spirit i wanna get myself intertwined with to create a cosmic connection that transcends time and space, you know?

I’ve been really horny these past few days. Like. i wanna get fucked, but not just by anyone. Im really gonna invest in a fuck machine. I just love getting fucked. But man, i really fo love getting fucked by the right person. Like, having them inside me and they knowing exactly what to hit. That makes shit amazing for me. I can feel them and i want them inside me right now. 

God im horny af lol. Maybe if i exercise and work out itll help me move that energy around. I do need to work out. I havent yet this week, which is alright. My body has been really sore an dim happy to give it the break it needs. Once im done with typing these pages i’ll work out and then eat breakfast. Im prolly gonna smoke before i workout just so i can relax into my stretches. My body feels much looser since Jordan gave me that massage. Shit that was so fucking hot. I love the parameters and not being able to turn around and kiss him. That was hot. Ugh. theres this sexual tension that i feel when i think about them. Fuck man. I was thinking about Mira the other night and totally getting off. Fuck i am so lucky they like and and also so lucky they like to fuck me. 

Damn. im craving pizza rn. But i have all those eggplant slices i fried up. Those were really good. Im grateful to have so much yummy food in my fridge and i need to make sure i eat them. I keep consuming and having things in my fridge that im not eating. And i know when jordan comes we will end up ordering more food lol. I wonder what the food and the sex and the drugs are helping to fill. Comfort? Probably. Ive always delt with feeling uncomfortable in my skin. Thats been changing as i choose to be in space where i can be vulnerable. I love spaces where i can just drop my guard and relax. Im grateful for trusting and safe space.

Fuck man, i cant wait for spring to hit, i’ll be at the beach the MOMENT it hits 70 degrees. It looks like thats in May. I’m excited for the summer. Summer always hits for me. I cant wait for the wedding work, and the beach, and the explorations i’ll get to do on the outsides in nature. Im grateful for the exciting life i have and i know itll keep getting better. I’m excited to learn and grow more. Ok. time to smoke and work out!

[strawberryseeded]

i loved how this last arc was so centered around non-chan!!!!!!!! it rly felt like we finally got to where it all started

the story did a wonderful job in showing how hananoi changed thru the series, while at the same time not shying away from also showing he still struggles and fucks up

like. his confrontation with non-chan highlighted all of his flaws. ALL of them.

how single-minded he is. how unforgiving he is. how awfully he can treat others bc he thinks theyr a nuisance/an obstacle 4 his and hotaru’s happiness. how obsessed he is w hotaru and hotaru only, and how this, and his desire for a relationship in which they are both the most important person to each other, ends up working against him. even if at the end of the day he truly wishes for her happiness and well-being, he can’t help but dumping way too much on her because he only cares about her. by only considering her happiness and prioritizing her above everyone and everything (including himself), hes actually being selfish. hes hurting her.

and literally all of this stems from his trauma. he has this deep, deep rooted insecurity complex. he’s never enough for other ppl. no matter what he does, how he looks, what he feels, hes just not good enough to be loved. to be prioritized by others.

this gets even worse after witnessing what happened between hotaru and non-chan when they were kids. not being able to do anything, he ended up feeling truly worthless. his desire to be someone’s number 1 remained, but the painful belief that deep down he just wasn’t cut to be loved, that they would leave them at the end because he doesnt deserve to be loved, holded him back from truly getting that he wanted.

hes just always so hard on himself, unable to forgive himself for what he did. unable to believe someone will truly accept him for who he is and love him. not leave him.

and he constantly, and violently, projects this insecurity on other people, and its actually fucking hard to watch. whn hes saying he can’t forgive non-chan for hurting hotaru, hes actually saying he can’t forgive himself as well. how dare she get close to hotaru, after what he did?? (and how dare he, after what he did?)

but at the end of this arc... he apologizes to her. because cornering non-chan like that ended up hurting hotaru, which is what he was trying to avoid ((note that he still doesnt forgive her tho)).

the thing is.. hananoi is constantly jealous and insecure bc hotaru has other ppl she cares abt besides him. this is a very hard pill to swallow, and also the very premise of this series. hotaru has many other ppl she loves in her life, while hananoi doesnt have anyone BUT hotaru (according to him), so everyone except hotaru is either unimportant or part of the competition. thats why he so hostile towards everyone; its not that he thinks he is superior. on the contrary, hes afraid to lose to them.

(not to mention by acting so cold hes clearly giving ppl reasons to not get close to him from the very beginning. he even says it himself: hes gone out w every single girl that confessed 2 him because “if shes capable of confessing 2 someone like me, she must be a very kind person”. even when hes trying his best to meet his soulmate, hes showing his worst side from the start, in hopes whoever approaches him already knows how bad he is. its a doomed relationship bc he sets it up to fail (not 2 mention all the toxic shit he does afterwards lol).

for this same reason he also kinda sucks at hiding his hostile behaviour towards hotaru’s friends from hotaru herself, to the point someone mentions this to him, asking if he didnt even think they would tell hotaru. of course he did. deep down, hes just hoping to give her reasons to dump him. hes sabotaging himself).

so at the beginning of the series he tolerates the ppl close to hotaru (only tolerates, still fearful). bc the hotaru he loves is someone that loves others, cares about others, and helps others. thats when shes the happiest. she would not be hotaru if she wasnt like that. he already knew this, so he bears with it.

non-chan was very important to hotaru, as well. and bc shes hotaru, even after getting hurt badly by her, she still doesn’t wish for anything bad to happen to non-chan. that will actually hurt hotaru more.

but thats not the only reason why hananoi regrets what he did to non-chan..... and this is very important:

non-chan hurt hotaru because shes very similar to hananoi. because she felt too deeply and couldnt put herself in hotarus shoes, who didnt. hananoi sees himself in non-chan, and thats the reason why he dislikes her so much and wants her to get away from hotaru. why he cant forgive her.

but during his apology, its obvious that he can now feel sympathy for her as well. he understands why shes like that. and even if he cant forgive her, he seems to think she still deserves happiness. and he even gives her advice bc he can see what shes lacking.

by the point he meets non-chan again, he’s not completely over his trauma (and dare i say probably neither him or hotaru will ever be), but he’s not the same guy from chapter one. he’s changed, bc he’s gone through A LOT: in pursuit of his goal, hes met so many new people; got close to them, close enough to consider them friends bc they are great people, and he likes them and (shockingly for him) he found out that they liked him back.... hes.... hes likable... even after they get to know how weird he is. they want to be around him, hang out w him, be there for him when he needs help! how messed up is that???????

so hes not only fully recognizing he messed up for hurting non-chan... after apologizing, hes just beginning to finally understand that his own actions hurt hotaru because HE is important to HER (which despite everything, he still has a hard time believing). she doesnt want him 2 act like that bc she cares abt him. holy fuck!!!!!!! its almost as if he is... actually deserving of being loved by others....

when he says to non-chan that she was the person hotaru (the most important person to him) liked the most, hes telling her exactly that. thats shes lovable, in spite of what she thinks of herself.

relationships w other ppl can hurt us. thats what hananoi knows. but they also nurture us, fill us with joy, make us grow. that is what hes still learning. what he is starting to see. and hes actually enjoying it, even if sometimes its (very) hard for him.

[geodetojoy]

aaaaand intermission!!!!

alright @royallygray heres my first act review :D

i mean ive obviously already said a lot of my thoughts above *looks at the 40+ note count* hahaaa

no but i love it so far

like i said ive seen it before but because my mom loved it so much i kinda just refused to like it bc of that but BOY was i missing out

ok characters first (im not gonna do all of them, just some of the main ones):

JACK my boy i will always stand behind you. he cares so much about his family (the newsies are a family to me idc) and his future and everything he does revolves around them and hes such a strong leader he fights so hard for what he believes in AND HES ONLY 17???? give my boy a BREAK GEEZ

no i love him so much he absolutely deserves to find some respite in his life hes too good for this world <3333

CRUTCHIEEEEE he might be my fav. between him, Les, and Katherine i think

absolute sunshine character i knew as soon as i heard him talk that he would NOT come out unscathed

i think my favorite thing is that, yeah, the newsies technically treat him differently bc of his leg, but they dont see him as less in any way. its just something about him that makes him unique and hey if they can use it to make more money, then it almost makes it worth it /hj

dont get me wrong im not a fan of them calling him *that word* but i think its absolutely meant in a loving way and he doesnt seem bothered by it at all unless its someone else saying it to him to be offensive

anyway he deserves the world he better make it out alive ill kill someone if he doesnt /j

lesssss the boyyyy

first of all hes absolutely adorable and hes such a smartass /pos he knows EXACTLY what hes doing 100% of the time

hes such a strong kid even though he actually has parents and people to take care of him and he likely wasnt forced to be so protective and cunning due to his situation but the fact that he still is makes me love him more. but i think his age here plays a big part bc yeah hes ignorant to a lot of stuff but hes young enough to be willing to understand and support people who arent entirely like him (thinking about how kids arent born into hatred and they only learn it if theyre surrounded by it for years upon years - like how so many young kids of bigoted parents are actually really accepting bc they havent had the years of indoctrination yet)

not to say i think his parents are bad people - i mean davey turned out great! i actually like to think that his parents are really kind! they might not fully understand the situations of people like the newsies, hence les's initial ignorance, but i dont think theyre very hateful people they just might be more focused on living their own lives and dont think about much else

Next up of course is davey!! like i said i was skeptical of him at first just bc he seemed really closed off and didnt want anything to do with jack and all of them and i was afraid that was out of hatred, but now i really love him

the entirety of the plot would go to absolute shit if it werent for his knowledge and experience that he gained from his parents, and i really appreciate the growth of everyone, both the newsies and him, to accept one another despite the jealousy of the newsies and the fear and lack of understanding from davey

i dont think hes a favorite of mine, but i do really love him!!

KATHERINE my queen she is so me actually. Writers block is a killer girl i so get you

lmaooo no i think shes SUCH a complex character and i cant wait to get to know her more in the second act

we love a strong, independent women who follows her own dreams and aspirations despite the struggles. shes stepping up from the smaller sections of the newspaper (my brain is coming up with a blank what the fuck are they called) to whole articles because she believes in herself!!! she wants to make a name for herself by doing something big bc she knows she can!!! absolute queen i adore her

and yeah royal like you said her and jack's relationship as of now is a bit uncomfy but im not gonna make any full judgement calls until later bc theyve only interacted a few times lmao but i do think he actually cares about her and isnt just thinking with his dick

(btw what i meant about the "girls are nice" line is that it makes it seem like hes not actually attracted to women lmaoo i know what he meant but it sounds silly ooc)

AND THE RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PEOPLE GAHHH

like i said the newsies are a family to me. all brothers. they love each other so much because theyre all they have. theyd trade the world for each other. i love them

ive already talked about the newsies and les and davey with the two having parents but its just so lovely. theyre such good people. they might not fully understand their situation, but they care so much anyway

LES AND JACK AAAAAAA omg the sillies ever actually. the two smartasses. i adore them <33

What i love most about this show is just how many historical social issues its able to address. Fucked up corporations that led to the invention of unions, sexism in careers, the conditions of the working class, child labor in general, all of it. its SO important to talk about and i think this musical does an incredible job at addressing it and making it known just how bad these things are so to not let them happen ever again

just like. fuck capitalism bro.

and dude the stage design and choreo are absolutely STUNNING.

i really wanted (and still kinda to tbh) to go into technical theater because i lovelovelove the behind the scenes stuff when it comes to musicals and such and this is NOT helping /pos

anyway ive been rambling long enough onto act 2 :DDDDD

Alright

@royallygray im starting newsies now hehehe

i figured id just make a thread for my thoughts if you (or anyone) wanted to read thru

[paraemu]

which of the main riders should NOT be a parent

godai: canonically kids love him and we know he's good at household chores and he's just a great guy all around so he'd make a wonderful father. however its unlikely that he would have kids cause he's always traveling around, but if he ever settles down i can see foster kids coming in and out of his and ichijou's house all the time

shouichi: i havent seen agito but all i know about him is that he's basically a housewife so i assume he could take care of a kid. he seems to have some baggage that would stop him from becoming a parent tho

shinji: i dont think the thought of having kids has even crossed shinji's mind. can't really imagine him as a parent

takumi: he'd probably have to think long and hard about it first but i can see him warming up to the idea of having kids in the future (i will NEVER forgive inoue for robbing him and kiba of a future together i hope he goes to hell)

kenzaki: for obvious reasons kenzaki can't have children and actually its making me sad just typing this im skipping this one

hibiki: him being a dad is like the whole premise of the show

tendou: tendou is the perfect mary sue which means he's immortal and will never die and as such reproduction is meaningless to him

ryoutaro: he canonically has a grandson so congratulations on reproducing. i hope it was with yuuto. the idea of all the imagin pitching in and helping ryoutaro raise his child along with his sister is rly cute i love den-o

wataru: ok listen i KNOW inoue just threw in wataru's child from the future as a joke but i think wataru having a child 2-3 years after the show completely unprepared to be a parent and having a rly hard time with parenting all around is unfortunately very in-character for him. i believe in him tho i know with some therapy and a couple of parenting classes he can power thru

tsukasa: tsukasa would be a shit ass fucking dad and i dont think we should allow him near children. however it would be insanely funny if he and daiki were sougo's awful deadbeat parents who left him in a wet cardboard box all alone as a baby so now i am married to this au

philip and shoutaro: can't imagine either of them having kids

eiji: after the ooo summer movie i am convinced that eiji REALLY wants to have kids but his trauma prevented him from ever giving any serious thought to it. and then the whole ankh situation happened, so it'll probably remain an unfulfilled desire. he'd make a great dad if he ever had the chance tho (the ooo vcin doesnt exist to me)

gentarou: he has the vibes of someone who will have 5 kids by the time he's 30. in his case they're all most likely adopted but still. also probably houses and rehabilitates troubled teens

haruto: he wouldn't be half bad at parenting but i don't think it's something he wants. even after he's let go of most of his emotional baggage he's just the sort who likes to keep to himself and live independently

kouta: if he wasn't a god he would probably marry mai and have 2.5 kids with her

shinnosuke: HE DOESNT DESERVE KIRIKO SHE SHOULD BE MARRIED TO ME AND HAVE MY CHILD NOT HIS

takeru: i heard he has a child in the novel? ok i read the novel summary and nvm thats not canon to me. he should marry akari instead. the 3/3 on normie het marriages is concerning gaim-drive-ghost truly was the dark ages

emu: fast forward 4 years from the end of ex-aid and you'll find emu entering his milf era. he's going to have 3 kids separated by 2 years each. he's had like MAD baby fever since college so he's got it all planned out already

sento: realistically? banjou and sento are definitely not having children. s/o to ppl who write kid fic of them where their baby is also a science genius tho i think thats cute

sougo: no. just no.

aruto: i.... honestly dont know. hes too busy looking after the company and fighting for humagears and stuff i guess

touma: i havent finished saber yet but i think kento and touma should have two kids one boy and one girl I DONT CARE WHAT TRIO OF DEEP SIN SAYS

ikki: probably also getting normie het married and having 2.5 kids idk hes not important

ace: complete wild card we're still on episode 3. will update this when geats is over

[littlenekosfan]

so i know some people think jugo was thankful that yhwach killed his uncle in this fire, but he never showed any sort of gratitude about it.. lemme explain

we all know jugo’s uncle was abusive toward him, and its honestly hard to tell for sure what kind of abuse or how it would happen, he’s evil that’s without a doubt, but was he to jugo’s eyes? i know it was telling in that one panel, but abuse isnt just about hurting the other, there is that “affection” given there and there so it make it seem its “just a bad phase, he actually loves you” or sometimes you have the power imbalance that makes him not question his uncle's authority or even worse, jugo doesnt know better, he knows he doesnt like it, but perhaps he thinks its something normal or that he deserves it (for the useless child he is, we all know he has low self-esteem so)

so we cant know for sure what was happening between the two, all we know is that it was bad in our pov

when bazz shows up in the picture, jugo is exposed to another kind of love, a genuine friendship, and we see him how he needed that, he accepts and embraces it the moment he feels more than just a tool in the relationship (he wasnt so keen about it at first bc new relationship was not an option bc it would be troublesome.. if his uncle were to know, he knows it would end up bad). and so, during these 6 months, it was just.. better for him (not the best times but not the worst) even if he couldnt hang out with bazz all the time

when the fire happened, we see him being totally indifferent about it, and really, he didnt show any sadness nor joy, and i believe its because 

no sadness: i already explained that one, but jugram didnt understand bazz’ relationship with his parents/home and how much it meant to him, and with his background, he simply cant feel sympathy even less empathy

no joy: this is fucked up and i know you guys dont wanna hear this, but maybe he didnt wish death to him, that he cared about him somehow, and im saying this with no intention to make you feel bad about his uncle, what im trying to say is,,as someone who can relate to jugo’s trauma, i can understand how he’s not one bit joyous about it, not even glad, maybe relieved and even then, that can be a big word for what he feels,, and this is what trauma is like, his uncle was still someone who gave him a home and fed him (arguably) when his very own parents abadonned him (whatever how that happened, jugo seems to not know himself) so all he had was his uncle, its hard to believe he would hate him with all his being and wish he was dead already… and i know some of you would think “no no he would hate him and run away” would he? we tend to project as adults.. , but adults who lived csa, they know they didnt know how bad it was when they were young, when you grow up, you start to realize a lot of fucked up things about that abuse and how it affects you as an adult, so we cant blame or expect jugo do have done something about it and even hate his uncle for it… its sad i know, but im pointing that out bc…

in friend 3 chapter, jugo did not show an ounce of hesitation when it came to yhwach giving him a position (he hesitated bc of bazz, not bc he thinks good of yhwach) nor did he ever mention him ever again after the fire, which is a sign he coped with his trauma, he put a term on it (although his actions still show signs of it, he simply doesn't think about Him anymore) and that’s a good thing! im really happy for him that he could grow as a person and have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't see him as a tool but as a person

and also the fact jugo trained to hard to fight FOR bazz tells us how he values his friend wellbeing/goal more than his trauma, (god this sounds terrible, lemme rephrase that) after his uncle’s death, jugo didnt know what to do anymore, so bazz suggests him to kill yhwach, jugo isnt reluctant to that idea bc he’s the reason his friend lost everything, and he wasnt too into it bc he doesnt feel hate for yhwach like bazz did, so he joins him for bazz goal instead of just roaming around with no home, and as he grow to train more and more, he did it with the intention to help his friend, not to kill yhwach (bc if it was the case,we wouldnt have friend3), to make it short, jugo’s intention in friend3 (before and during the breakup) were always about helping bazz and not join yhwach bc he thinks he owe him or he’s grateful for what he did to his uncle

so to say yhwach saved him from his uncle is one thing, but saying jugo was thankful yhwach did that to him is not quite true, it was a turning point in his life which permitted him to have a new life (“so yhwach did save jugo”, yeah, by ruining his friend’s life and make them survive in a forest for 5 years all alone and have the worst breakup in bleach, he had to put up with exchanging powers for who knows how long and how much that didnt let him sleep or have the right mind, and to lose all the kingdom he build during these 999yrs, all that for ultimately regretting abandoning his friend for power… yeah, he “saved him”)

[rek1s-headband]

Hello may i request reki angst taking place after episode 7 with a fluff ending?

➯ A/N: Thank you for the request! I’m sure after episode 7 we all need a little bit of Reki comfort. Let’s all give this boy some much needed loving:)

A question for those of you who watched the recent episode: how are we feeling?

➯ Character: Reki Kyan x Reader

➯ Warnings: Shouting, implications of a panic attack

➯Word count:1.7K

“Someone who deserves you”

You could feel yourself struggling to keep your balance on your skateboard, the rain beating down on your figure. Reki hasn’t been answering any of your texts, and had been very distant with you in school, so you’d decided to ride up to his house to see what was wrong. Any time you asked him if he was alright in school, any time you’d beg him to tell you what was making him look so upset, he’d simply ruffle your hair and tell you not to worry your pretty little head about it, that there was nothing wrong. You were his s/o, surely he’d tell you if something was wrong? You’d asked Langa if he knew what was up with Reki, and he’d simply shrug, telling you reki had been kind of off with him as well.

Your thoughts were abruptly interrupted as you hit a stray pebble, sending you flying over your board and hitting the floor with a thud. You heard your board roll away, heard someone stop it and pick it up. Looking up, you saw none other than Langa Hasegawa himself walking over to you. He looked concerned, but as he got closer to you, he was wearing what could only be described as a look of pure despair. He put your board down beside you, tears quickly collecting around his eyes.

You were off the floor in an instant, pulling him into your chest, swaying the two of you as langa quietly sobbed into your shoulder. You could feel your hoodie begin to get soaked with rain and his tears, holding him impossibly tighter and playing with his hair in an attempt to calm him down. When his shoulders stopped shaking, you pulled his head out of your shoulder, holding his face in your hands and using your thumbs to swipe away his tears that were beginning to gather again.

“Langa,” you say it gently, but there’s a firmness in your voice that holds enough importance for him to hold in his third hiccup within a minute. “What happened?” The question was barely out of your mouth before his grip on your arms tightened, and he began talking 90 miles a minute.

“It’s Reki, he—I went to his house because he seemed off today and I wanted to know what was wrong, but he wasn’t there so I waited until he came home, but he didn’t show up for ages and I thought maybe he was busy but then it started raining and he came back and he looked so sad, I just wanted to figure out was wrong, but he started shouting a me, saying I was gonna break our promise to not skate against Adam. And I know I told him I wouldn’t skate against him, but its just so exciting and I know I need to beat him if I’m gonna get better, y/n, I need to. But Reki doesnt see that, he just thinks I’m gonn get hurt and-“ you placed a careful hand over his mouth, effectively shutting him up.

“Langa,” you repeated yourself, urgency prevalent in your voice this time. “Where is Reki now?”

“At his house. His mom thought he was with me, can you believe that? He wouldn’t tell me where he was, though. He looked all roughed up and hurt, I just wanted to make sure he was-“ once again, poor Langa’s rambling was cut off, this time by you getting on your skateboard and riding off to Reki’s house. You could tell both boys were clearly hurting, but Reki was all that seemed to fill your mind as you sped down the road to his house. As you began to approach his house, you could make out a small figure leaning against the wall, head in his hands, and soaking wet. Why wasn’t he inside? You saw his head perk up a bit when you got off your skateboard, only to hide his face when he realised it was you, tears also streaming down his face. You knew something was wrong, so why the hell did he try and keep it from you?

Reki didn’t have much time to compose himself or try to explain what was going on before you were marching up to him and flinging your arms around his neck. He stumbled back slightly from the impact, tensing up a bit, before finally letting go and wrapping his arms around you, burying his face in your neck. You kept him there for a little bit, before he was slowly pushing you off him, not daring to look you in the eyes. You looked him over, seeing his multiple bruises and rips in his clothing. For once it was him who couldn’t seem to get a word out, and you who couldn’t seem to stop talking.

“What the hell was that? Why did I run into Langa on my way here, and why was he so upset? Why are you so upset? What’s been going on the past coupe of days, you’ve seemed so sad, and I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, but you’ve been so distant and you keep telling me you’re okay, when you’re clearly not okay, so why the hell would you keep it from me? And your clothes, did you fall? Why would you...Reki?” Your questions slowly faded out as you watched Reki slump against the wall, refusing to say a word or look you in the eyes. You got closer to him, a quiet “Reki..?” passing your lips. As you got closer, you heard how quickly he was breathing, heard him quietly repeating “I’m sorry” over and over. You placed your hands on his face, forcing him to look at you. “Hey, Reki, look at me. Its okay. It’s me. I’m not mad at you, I could never be mad at you, no one is.” You could feel his breathing slow down a bit, but he didn’t stop shaking. “Please, talk to me.”

He stood up straighter, taking one of your hands in his, looking away from you once again. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” When you gave him a look of curiosity and concern, he let out a shaky breath, continuing to speak. “I didn’t mean to worry you, I just—I didn’t want to hold you back, any of you. Maybe,” he looked at you for the first time in what felt like forever, “maybe you’d be better of if we weren’t together.” He gave you the fakest smile you’ve ever seen as you felt your heart fall into your stomach. “You should find someone who can keep up with you. Someone who deserves you”

Oh.

So that’s what it was....

“Reki....” you pulled his chin up to look at you, tears pooling in both of your eyes at this point. “Is that how you really feel?” You thought he was having a hard time after Langa had gotten better at skateboarding, but any time you questioned him he simply perked up, claiming he was delighted with Langa’s “newfound fame.” But now you were certain of it. “You know we’d never, ever leave you behind, right? We love you, all of us do!” You stopped to wipe a tear away from his face, feeling his shuddering breath on your face.

“It’s just that,” he pulled away from your hold, pulling his arms in around himself. He took a step or two back, tilting his head back to look up into the sky, rain pouring onto his face. “It was me who started skating first, he’s barely even started! And now he’s beaten two of the top competitors, and he wants to go against the founder of the whole thing? It’s not fair, it was my thing, and now he’s got all the recognition! I dont even care that he’s gotten good, I couldn’t be happier. I just dont want this to all get to his head and leave me! Or worse,” he made his way back over to you, putting his hands on your shoulders, “what if he gets hurt, and he quits skateboarding and I’m alone again? I can’t do it again, y/n, I cant lose another friend.” He collapsed into your arms, and you could feel him begin to cry again. For someone who was always such a ball of enthusiasm, this was heartbreaking to watch unfold. You held him close to you, pushing your hands through his sopping wet hair, making a mental note to force him to take a warm bath later.

You began to trace patterns on his back as you felt him calm down a little, poking his head out from where it was hiding. “There’s no one in this world I’d rather be with than you, Reki, so you can cut the ‘someone who deserves you’ shit. I’m yours, and you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not” you gave him a soft smile as he began to wrap you in an embrace, the persistent rain still beating down on the pair of you. He placed his hands on your hips, looking down on you with what could only be described as a look of pure adoration.

“What the hell did I do to deserve someone like you”, he gave you a soft smile, before leaning down to give you a desperate, passionate kiss. You reciprocated immediately, running your hands through his hair once again. You stayed like that for a while, pressing long, open mouthed kisses to each other’s lips. You felt him let out a quiet sigh, pulling you even closer to him and gripping onto the back of your hoodie. When you finally pulled away, he kept his hands on your waist, yours still playing with the ends of his hair at the back of his neck. He looked down at you, a dopey grin plastered on his face.

“I’m not going anywhere, Reki Kyan. None of us are. You’ll never be alone as long as we’re by your side.” You kept your face close to his, your breath mingling in the middle. You pressed one last kiss to his forehead, pulling away from him. “Now lets get out of the rain, you’re gonna get sick.” He followed you down the path to his house like a puppy, a fond smile never leaving his face. “And you better talk to Langa as soon as you get out of that damn shower, I’ve never seen that guy look worse than he did than he did leaving your house.”

“Shit”

[arcadejohn127-9]

Hello!1st I wanted to say i love your blog its *chefs kiss*,and 2nd could I request (i dont know if this is in someway triggering or not so i apologize) a MC who doesnt believe the brothers can love them 'cause they despise themself and they are so set on (?) with that mindset that the brothers cant convince them otherwise,but MC themself wants to feel loved they...just cant...and they just breakdown saying they arent special and when the brothers meet other humans they will realise that MC is nothing,that they are a horrible being and they will leave them for somebody better,does that make sense I dont wanna go too deep into it(totaaaaally not self projecting)I am so sorry if this is a sensitive topic,feel free to ignore this ask,this has been eating me out for weeks so I just wanted to seek some comfort.Once again your blog is great and dont overwork yourself, take care! :D 🤍

I've definitely been there and even now, I still have these fears. Growing out of these Insecurities and feelings are hard even if you work hard to be as confident as you can. One day it'll happen but until then you just gotta keep reminding yourself that you're worth the world

Also tip, please don't rely on others for self worth - people can be cruel or simply just unpredictable. Not all but until you see every colour of a person you don't know. If you depend on someone else to give you worth and make you feel good then that'll start a very unhealthy cycle for yourself

I hate this phase "love yourself before you love others" because you don't need to, you can find healthy and happy relationships whilst insecure. But I think what it really means is; get self worth before you love another. Make sure you don't do yourself damage by giving you Someone who does the bare minimum or will sometimes make you feel good but is usually a dick.

You can find love but that love can be wrong if you don't pay attention to the red flags. Don't let your insecurities drag you into unhealthy relationships.

Because you are stunning, worth it and loveable. You're Someone people can look up to or admire even if it's for something simple like your humour.

Also thank you, I'll be sure to not overwork myself, make sure you don't pressure yourself too hard about work or your hobbies. Hobbies are all about fun!

Warning: self loathing, depressive themes, angst

You could stand it.

Your eyes traveled along the gifts and trinkets that were in your room. Each one gifted to you by a powerful demon; a demon you live with.

You couldn't stand it.

You could get it; why would someone like that every like you? You weren't special and yet Everyone insisted that you were. You're not the key. Not anything Diavolo wants or expects. Definitely not what the brothers want.

You had to scoff. The brothers only like you because of Lilith, if you were related then they'd never see you as anything but some human. Lilith dragged you here, she made sure you came here and for what? To be always told you're going to be some big thing; someone to destroy hatred and help bring together three realms.

Do they not realize how much pressure that is??!!!! And the how are you even going to do that?! You're magic is unpredictable and useless - it perfectly reflects you.

You whimpered at your own thoughts. The word useless stinging at your heart; it was almost if a knife lodged itself into your chest. Constantly stabbing the word useless into it.

You were useless. They need to find someone who can actually live up to their expectations. Just a good for nothing human....why do they even like you?

You looked back at the gifts, your watery stare turning into a hateful glare.

The question was burning inside your head. You couldn't understand; what did he see in you? You're not special! You're not anything anyone wants you to be and you're just being forced on a pedestal you didn't make!

Why did he always look at you the way he does? Like you actually mean something. Why does he smile so softly when you enter the room?

Why would he be like that when you KNOW that as soon as he meets another human, he'll be running after them without hesitation. Everyone was so much more attractive than you and better than you - you couldn't get why he loved you. Why- no how?! You weren't good enough for him!

No matter how many times he says I love you or compliments you it leaves such a bitter disgusting taste in your mouth. You're so horrible you can't even let people be nice to you - it's all a lie anyway. No one could love you. Never. No one!

You were useless! Disgusting! You weren't even attractive! You weren't loveable! You're a horrible person who looks just as horrible as they are. How can they look at you like that?! How can they stand you?! You're nothing!

You don't get it!

Why?! Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why Why why why-!

A scream ripped itself out of your throat. Tears streaming down your face as you clutched your head. Your body curled into itself, shaking and trembling as you choked on your sobs. You coughed through it as you tried to breath but the tears kept coming. Drowning you as you desperately tried to breath under their weight.

The pain was unbelievable. You felt like your head was on fire. You could barely even make out the figure standing at your door. Whoever they were, they scooped you up from the floor and rubbed circles into your arms. You clutched to them for dear life as you cried.

Somewhere in your brain you could tell who it was and it only made you cry harder. Shame filling your lungs as you tried to escape their caring embrace.

"No-! Stop it! I'm nothing! I'm useless-! Let me go-!! Why- why won't you leave me alone?! I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! LET ME DIE-!"

were you dying? You felt like it. The ache was painful; your chest growing tighter and tighter. You pounded on their chest, demanding they let you be the useless thing that you are alone.

Lucifer:

He forced back his tears

Just rubbing circles into your skin as he held you

To think you were this Insecure despite being the nicest person who knew

You were Better than him and don't let pride stop you - you were amazing

"not good enough for me? What made you believe that...? You're perfect for me, you complete me."

You denied his claims, sobbing as you listed your insecurities

"Your insecurities don't define you, you're so much more than that - I wouldn't of picked you to be my love if I didn't think you'd be adequate."

He wasn't sure if you were still listening but he pushed past his doubts

Adjusting you in his embrace

"I- I'm not sure if I'm comforting you....I'm not good at being the gentle hand, I want you to see how I see you - you're kind, charming and always keeping me in awe, you mean so much to me, I'll trade anything I could just to see you smile - I love you."

Mammon:

There can only be one self loathing idioit in this relationship

He refuses to let you feel like how he has

His forced confidence - you could easily see through it - anyone could

But you were the only one who then actually helped him feel better when you did see through it

He let a few tears stray, holding you close

"did someone say something to you? I don't forgive 'em for ever making ya this upset, I'm not letting you feel like this."

You shook your head, muttering that he should let you

"why should I? You're my favourite person and you've only made me happy - so let me make you happy! You're the only person who's ever treated me the way ya treat me and I won't let you hate yourself!"

He hugged you even tighter, squeezing you as he hid his face in your shoulder

"you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, okay? You always know how to make me feel better and it's my turn to make you feel better but you gotta listen to me! I lo-love you! The great Mammon loves you so badly that he just wants to kiss you every day! You're amazing and I won't forgive ya if you let yourself keep going on like this, let me support you.... please...I don't want you to go."

Levithan:

He couldn't get it

He's always been jealous of your personality and ability to make others feel good

His envy makes him despise himself - so seeing you be the same, he couldn't take it

He gave you one big squeeze

"d-don't be stupid! You're the best thing that's come into my life - even better than ruri-chan!"

You didn't believe him, he was obessed with that character

"but it's true-! If I could I'd get loads of merchandise of you too because you're my favourite person! You're just like the protagonists I read about."

His face was beat red but he was determined to make you feel better

"You're Henry, you are brave and kind, always trying your best even if that best isn't up to your own or others standards, you Inspire me! I've thought about of making a series about you...so others can feel just as happy as I do when I see you, you make me feel less insecure and like I actually mean something - why can I do to make you feel the same? You mean everything to me! I really like you....I like-like you-! I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY! Let me make you feel how you make me feel because then you'll see just how amazing you are!"

Satan:

Did someone makes you feel like this or was it just your own thoughts?

If it isn't the latter he'll need to find out who's hurt you

But right now, he hugged you tighter and cradled your head

He couldn't stand to see and hear you so destressed

"did I do something to make you feel like this? I'm so sorry if I did, I don't always realize when I come off rude or hateful- I could never hate you."

You held him tight, telling him to stop

"but I need to fix it if I've hurt you and if it wasn't me then whoever did needs to keep quiet, you don't deserve these feelings."

You huffed, trying to not cry more

He gave your Shoulder a small squeeze

"you're more than enough for me, you're so good to me - sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough for you, you're always so patient with me and don't make me feel like I'm some unthinking beast, you don't think I'm lying when I be genuine and that makes me love you - I do love you - you make me feel good and I want to do the same for you, you're beyond good and I'll always be happy with the person you are and can become because I know you can do so much and always bring positivity even in the darkest times."

Asmodeus:

He's crying too

He hated of being seen as insecure

He only wanted confidence

Seeing you sob and beat on yourself like this only reminded him of his most private moments

He held you even closer, rocking you gently

"No, dear, I love you too much to let you feel like this, you're amazing to me and I think you're better than even myself, you're my number 1."

You shook your head, telling him he's lying

"I'm not, why would I lie? You're the sweetest person I know, you don't see me as some sex object - you make me feel real and happy - so so happy."

He kissed the top of your head, hiding his tear streaked face

"I want you to be happy....you deserve it, you've got only so long to live and I'm so scared that you're going to hate yourself even until you die, I don't want that! You're beautiful amazing and I could never ask for anyone better! Please- just let's work on our confidence together...okay? You're so wonderful, don't let yourself become so hateful."

Beezlebub:

He's absolutely broken

How didn't he realize you felt this bad about yourself??

He didn't even realize he was crying aswell, just holding you close as his mind screamed at him

"did something make you feel like this? It hurts to hear you say these things."

You shook your head before nodding, muttering you just won't talk anymore

"I didn't mean that, I always want you to be open with me and if not me, atleast one of my brother's."

He picked you up, placing you in a more comfortable position and held you close to his chest

"I love you, it took me awhile to realize that but I do, you make me feel full and happy - like I just ate a big buffet of warm cakes and dishes, I'm always warm when I'm with you, I don't believe you're not good enough - you're kind to me and never judge me for eating, you help me with working out but most importantly, you fixed my family and brought my twin back, I don't know how to make you see how much that means to me and I don't want you to feel bad about yourself when you're always the best person in the room - you're really great."

Belphegor:

"just let me die"

Those words hurt him so bad

He was like that, he demanded to be left to Rot with his own self loathing when Lilith died

He pulled you close to his chest as he grabbed your shoulder

"You're not allowed to feel like this, you've done nothing to feel this much hatred towards yourself."

You told him he was wrong, crying harder

"when am I wrong? I- okay, I can be wrong but I'm not wrong about you, you're my favourite person which means I love you and I don't let my favourite people sit and cry."

He cuddled you, nuzzling his cheek against yours

"You saved me and I will never able to make it up to you, I've hurt you and I hate it- I hate that I'm a reason you get scared, don't ever let yourself rot away, when my brother's just leave me to sleep I always feel so much dread - that I'm being left to die in my bed and will never get to see their faces again - I'll never be able to see your face again....I wouldn't be able to take it.....seeing you everyday makes me want to leave my bed and always make sure you smile, let me make you smile again."