#its this constant back and forth of making me feel good and happy and like maybe they like me

[summoner-of-mist]

man im having a wanting to die kinda night again :(((((((((

im trying so fucking hard to make friends but i guess i just cant and just gotta die instead

[short-honey-badger]

Stuck Between the Gator and the Flamingo

*PREVIOUSLY WARLORDS' ASSISTANT*

Wanted to try my hand at some Crocodile x Reader x Doflamingo. Hope you enjoy it! This is also the fic I've got posted on AO3, but I wanted to share Chapter 1 here since it can be read as a stand-alone. Any comments are welcome! Thanks!

BTW! If anyone is interested in being a beta, let me know! I can always use the help.

Warnings! NSFW, size difference, phone sex.

Masterlist

Come read more on A03! -> HERE

Being the personal assistant to one warlord had been tough for sure, but apparently you've done a good enough job that you were picked to be the assistant to a second warlord. So now, you split your weeks between Sir Crocodile and Donquixote Doflamingo. This week you were with Crocodile, the easier of the two warlords to deal with. Doflamingo was more of a spoilt child than a man. You'd found that out the hard way. Speaking of the man child, the blond would not stop calling your personal den den mushi, and you could tell that the constant ringing was getting on Crocodile's last nerve. 

"What is so damn important that the 'Mingo has to call you on my week?" Crocodile snarled and suddenly reached over and grabbed the snail from your limp hands. His sharp teeth almost split his usual cigar.

You watch in shock as the warlord answers the snail call, "Why are you calling her when you know this is my week?" He growled into the receiver. Smoke curled from his mouth as you watched it curl in the low light of his office. 

"Fu Fu Fu, Croco you sound jealous. Do you not like it when I bother our pretty assistant?" Doflamingo crooned over the speaker, and you watched Crocodile's face contort in rage. "I'm sure she'd much rather be here in paradise than in your dreary, dusty, desert anyway."

At that moment, you think that Crocodile might break your den den mushi, but the man's expression changed from rage to one of calculation. His golden eyes flick back and forth between you and the speaker before a grin begins to curl along his lips. Crocodile takes the cigar from his mouth and stubs it out, and you feel your stomach drop. This wasn't good.

You let out a startled yelp when the man suddenly snatches his ringed hand out and catches your wrist. He pulls you into his lap and wraps his other arm around your waist, keeping you there easily. 

"How about we ask her?" The warlord rumbles and sat the receiver down. His hook slipped under your chin, forcing you to gaze up at Crocodile. "Tell us, who would you prefer to stay with, Darling?" He cooed to you, grin matching his namesake. 

You blush from the roots of your hair to the tips of your toes. This was not how you'd imagined your evening to be going. Sure, both men have been open about their attraction to you, but neither has done anything about it. Until now, apparently. 

"I uh. I don't think I should be choosing like this." You say and squirm in Crocodile's lap. You should get off. This isn't appropriate, but the big man just pulls you closer to his chest and tightens his arm. "I'm not worth the two of you arguing anyway." 

You are close enough to the den den mushi to see its facial expression, and it doesn't look happy. The arm around your waist clinches hard enough to make you gasp, eyes going wide, and you tense when Doflamingo speaks. 

"Don't say things like that, Angel." He says, and you shiver at the dark tone of voice. To your surprise, Crocodile agrees with the bird. 

"You are one of the few things Birdbrain and I agree on. Do not speak ill of yourself. You are more than deserving of both of our attention." Crocodile rasps, and you can tell it is an order and not a suggestion. 

"Y-yes, Sirs." You say loud enough that Doflamingo can hear. Your face is bright red, and you fight not to squirm anymore in Crocodile's lap. 

"Fu fu fu." Doflamingo laughs over the speaker and you can hear him adjust. When he speaks next, his voice is much closer to the speaker, and you can hear the heat and lust that drips from his tone. "Good girl. But maybe she should be warned of her punishment if she doesn't listen to us again, eh, Crocoman." 

Crocodile laughs and brings up his hand to thread through your hair, tilting your head back again so he can peer into your glossy eyes. 

"Kuhaha ha ha. I think you are onto something, 'Mingo." He rumbles. You gasp when his hook snags your shirt. It tears like butter, sending buttons flying and the remains falling from your shoulders. The sharp point catches your bra as well, sending it flying and leaving your breasts bare to the cool air of Crocodile's office. "Let's give our assistant a preview." 

You burn in embarrassment, cheeks flaming and you raise your arms to cover your breasts. You don't know what is going on, why the men suddenly decided today would be the day they would have you. Even if one of them was thousands of miles away. 

"How does she look, Crocodile?" Doflamingo demands. Gods. His voice had dropped to a husky whisper full of sin and it sent shivers up and down your spine. 

"Delightful." Crocodile says and you flinch when he suddenly pushes your arms down and away to expose you again. Crocodile eyes you like a man starved and you find yourself folding into yourself. You've never received such attention from men like Crocodile or Doflamingo before. It makes you nervous. 

"You should see her, 'Mingo." Crocodile continues and without prompt reaches out and pinches your right nipple, causing a sequel to leave your lips. "Perfect tits, flushed and beautiful." He applies just enough pressure to have you gritting your teeth, heat pooling in your gut and your eyes clinching shut. You couldn't watch this. 

You hear your other boss groan over the den den mushi, "Do that again. I want to hear our little assistant come undone." He hisses slowly. 

Crocodile does so, thick fingers pinching your nipple harshly and enjoying the way you hiss at the motion. He massages the sensitive bud and pulls you closer so that he can place soft kisses on the side of your neck. You can't help the moan that escapes you, skin shivering and hips jerking in the warlord's hold. "St-stop," you whine, hands coming up to curl around Crocodile's wrist in a poor attempt to stop the man. 

The men laugh at your pitiful sounds and Crocodile redoubled his efforts by moving on to your other nipple. You keen when he suddenly bites down, eyes flying open to watch the dark-haired man palm your breast. Tears come to your eyes when he pulls away to kiss his bite mark and you can feel his smug grin against your neck. 

"Does that feel good, Angel? Having that big hand touch you? Doflamingo purrs over the den den mushi. In his palace on Dressrosa, he sits at his own rarely used desk, pants unbuttoned and cock already hard and leaking. He'd been thinking about you all day and could picture you half naked in his Croco's grip. 

You blush even more at his words and bite your lip. It feels fantastic, but you weren't about to admit that. Especially not to two men who have such big egos already. Instead, you shake your head no. 

"Kuhaha ha ha." Crocodile grins down at you and shakes his head as if he is disappointed. "Now, now. Don't be like that, Pet. Use your words, tell us how you feel." He crooned and niped your ear. 

You shake your head again. "N-no! I don't want this. Any of this!" You deny hotly though your body easily betrays you whenever Crocodile lays his hands on your delicate skin. You ache for these men, thighs shaking and core begging to be filled. 

"Fu fu fu. Hear that? I think she is lying to us." The Bird accuses and you feel your blood run cold at the dark tone of his voice. That was never a good thing to hear with Doflamingo. 

"I'm not lying, Doffy." You whine lowly and know that you've only dug your grave further when both of them laugh at you again. Clearly, neither of them believe you, and you can't blame them. 

Suddenly, you are shifted back and in a swift movement, Crocodile tucks his thighs between your own and shoves your legs open. Your skirt rucks up against your waist, exposing your underwear. You are completely vulnerable in this position and it makes fear and excitement mix inside you. 

"Mhm. I think she is 'Mingo." Crocodile rasps and his hand finds your clothed sex. He swipes over the black fabric and your yelp, bucking your hips at the unexpected gesture. You hear your boss inhale deeply and feel his grin. "She wouldn't smell this good, otherwise." 

"Crocodile!" You hiss, embarrassed beyond belief that the man would say such a vulgar thing. You grunt when his hook slips under the band of your underwear and the elastic slips, snapping back against your sensitive skin. 

"My name next, Angel." Doflamingo crooned and you flush hotly. Everything feels overwhelming and over sensitive. It makes tears come to your ears and you suddenly wish that the other man wasn't thousands of miles away. 

Crocodile snakes a hand down your front, rough fingers sending shivers down your back. He finds your clothed sex and strokes the fabric, grinning when he notices the damp spot. He presses down and rubs, humming and bucking his own hips up when you gasp at the sudden pleasure. "Come on, Pet." He says and swipes his fingers again, the friction almost too much against your clothed clit. "Say his name, and I'll give you everything you want." 

His thumb presses hard against your clit, turning in a slow, maddening half-circle that has you bowing forward and crying out. Your eyes open again and you watch the hand between your legs with intensity. Crocodile does it again and your mouth drops open in a keen, hips bucking and seeking that wonderful pleasure. 

"Say it." Crocodile demands of you and his deep, commanding voice finally has you surrendering. 

"Doffy!" You cry, eyes clinching shut as you sag back against Crocodile. His pace increases, rubbing your swelling clit harshly as you wiggle in his lap. The sight is lovely and he presses up into you, enjoying the way you rub yourself against his clothed cock. 

"Oh, Angel." Doflamingo praises over the receiver and you flush crimson at the reminder of your actions. What have you done? "Say it again for me. Crocodile, reward her for being a good girl." 

"Kuah ha ha." Crocodile's deep chuckle has your thigh twitching. He glances down, golden eyes watching you intently. His hook finds the elastic of your panties and he watches as shock flies over your face when he rips them from your body. Your mouth drops open in a gasp and you scramble to cover yourself from his gaze. However, his hand dives back between your legs before you can shut them, and easily pries your thighs open. 

"St-stop! I can't!" You cry out and the men just laugh at you again. Crocodile keeps your thighs spread with his hook and uses his free hand to grab your jaw. He tilts your head back and up, angling so that he can peer into your eyes. 

"Stop lying to us." He snarles and his eyes narrow into angry slits. Fear floods you, but your arousal skyrockets at the same time, leaving you in a muddled, confused mess in the pirates' hold. "You will take everything we give you." 

With those words, Crocodile jerks your legs open, exposing your core to the cool air of the office and shoves one thick finger into your leaking cunt. You hiss at the sudden stretch, eyes flying open to watch him pump his finger in and out of you, ear burning at the loud squelching sound that echoes in the office. 

Just as you felt like you were about to tip over the edge, Crocodile took his hand away and brought it up to his face. He examined your slick in the low light before sticking his finger into his mouth and licking it clean with a happy groan. "Wait until you can taste her, 'Mingo. Just like honey." The devil fruit user rumbled in delight. 

You whimper and whine, sounding more like a bitch in heat than a human sitting on her boss's lap. You glance down to see that your thighs are red and scratched, mostly likely from the golden hook that still sits between your legs. 

"Does it hurt, Angel?" Doflamingo croons over the speaker and you pick up the sound of skin on skin contact. The blonde was stroking himself to the sound of Crocodile playing with you, and the image that popped up in your mind had you groaning in delight. You found yourself nodding furiously, head thrown back to rest against Crocodile's chest. 

"D-Doffy, Crocodile, please!" You keen and gasp when the dark-haired man picks up his pace. His thumb meets your clit again and the warlord smiles at how wet you are just from what little attention he has given you. 

"That's it, Pet." He praises and watches in rapt attention when you shut your eyes and buck into his hand. 

Thousands of miles away, Doflamingo can picture his two lovers in his mind, the way Crocodile has you in his lap and all splayed out, ready to be devoured. He'd give anything to be able to kneel between your legs right now and drink straight from your source. 

"Give her another, Crocodile. I know she can take them." Doflamingo orders over the den den mushi. Crocodile doesn't disappoint and you gasp when another thick digit is added to your tight heat. Tears spring up at the stretch and your hips stutter as you come close again. You sob when that feeling falls away, leaving you pent up and wanting more. 

Doflamingo hears your groan and he picks up his pace, long fingered hand flying up and down his cock as he thinks about you. He whines, wrist twisting at teasing the head of his cock as he pictures you and Crocodile. 

Crocodile huff, golden eyes rolling as he listened to Doflamingo stroke his cock over the phone. The blonde is insatiable. However, he wasn't Crocodile's priority right now. You were, and he needed to give you a reminder that you belonged to them. His dick ached in his own pants, but he ignored it for now. He pumps his fingers faster, enjoying the sounds that your slick cunt makes as you leak around his fingers. 

The blonde couldn't wait to be the one to pull those gorgeous sounds from you. He could hear the heavy breathing of his fellow warlord and they mixed wonderfully with your high-pitched whines. 

"Fu fu fu, That's it Crocodile," Doffy purred. His other hand snaked down to squeeze his heavy balls, pulling a gruttle moan from the blonde, "Make her scream. I want to hear everything." 

Without warning, Crocodile shifts and adds a third thick finger to your weeping hole. You do scream this time, the stretch a mix of pain and pleasure causing you to bow over. His thumb comes back to your clit, rubbing harshly, until finally, finally, Crocodile allows you to come. 

"Ah-ahh ah." You stutter out, eyes clenched shut and mouth dropping open as you are overwhelmed. Your hips grind into his hand between your legs. Your boss doesn't stop or pull away until your hips stop twitching. Crocodile pulls his fingers from your slick cunt and then slurps them into his mouth to clean them. He grunts at your taste. 

"Hear that 'Mingo?" Crocodile grunts and Doflamingo can see the shit eating grin even thousands of miles away. "I think we can both say she prefers to be with me." He gloated. You peek up at the man and see that he looks incredibly proud of himself. 

Doflamingo whines over the phone. He is so, so close! "C-come on, Croco." His hips stutter and he throws his head back. Over the phone, he picks up the sound of Crocodile finding their assistants wet heat again. The Bird hears you whine and cry, breath heaving for release, and he spills over his tight fist. 

"What good pets." Crocodile praises and Doflamingo bites his lip to keep from keening at the praise. Crocodile was proud of both of his lovers and it showed in the tone of his voice and the small smile on his face. 

You are exhausted. Your body and mind are nothing but putty. Crocodile easily lifts your body and wraps his fur coat around your body. You whine when the movement causes the apex of your thighs to ache and Doflamingo shushes you gently over the phone. 

"Let him take care of you, Angel." He murmurs, tone full of satisfaction, "I'll be there as soon as I can." Like hell would he wait to see you and Crocodile after this. 

Crocodile hums, holding his assistant turned lover close to his chest. He glances down and sees that you've already fallen asleep and a small smile graces his face. 

"Hurry up, 'Mingo." He rumbles, and his golden eyes slip closed, "We are waiting for you." 

[kirk]

okay top five favorite underrated robron scenes and go

this took me several days to think about lol you have no idea how much i love you rn for letting me info dump about them omfggg i dont know what counts as underrated really i feel like every single scene they have is so well-loved for one reason or another but, i'll happily list some underrated(?) details i noticed on my watchthrough

this will be in no particular order just from what i think of first. god. ok

though its a very very very well known and loved scene (WELL DESERVED) i just love how robert sways with aaron during the reunion scene, like he's trying to do a first dance 2.0 with him to adele all over again. and help jog aaron’s memory about the scene like. Well technically it’s just standing. and then of course they have a flirting banter back and forth EXACTLY like their first dance too. god. wedding parallels kill me always

when aaron goes away to ireland after the gordon stuff comes out but before gordon is charged, the background plot of robert working at the scrapyard for aaron to not only make his life a little easier once he comes back but also working his ass off to have the scrapyard earn MORE money so aaron can be a little more comfortable financially (and pay for legal fees) once he's back too. like. god. 2016 robron forever and ever and ever i would live there 24/7 if i could

the casino las vegas holiday scene where robert has his hands over aaron’s eyes and is leading him to the back room it’s just. sooooooo cute to me but also shows how much aaron trusts robert. and it just makes me happy to be reminded what kids they both are like i truly do believe they have eachother pieces of their childhood back after both of theirs were taken from them :,-) like they can be KIDS together. ugh

the fact that chas picks out the song “can’t take my eyes off you” just kinda confirms that even when robron aren’t on screen all they are doing is staring at and giving heart eyes to each other, so much so that everyone in the village notices that it’s like. constant. and honestly just gonna throw in the whole karaoke scene as a scene i love that’s underrated(? not really), i’m a sucker for karaoke. and it kinda calls back to them being kids with each other

the "you are such a wind-up" scene lives rent free in my head its just sooooo them its SOOOO them, and really shows how much they know each other like aaron is literally saying nothing and robert STILL knows he's trying to rile him up likeee. i think theres a common trend with my fave details/scenes of them both and it's when they allow themselves to be silly / be kids like i cannot state this enough sorry. it just hits sooo good that they not only supported each other through revealing their childhood traumas to the other (robert supporting aaron getting gordon locked up / aaron supporting robert by steering any and all conversation away from jack) like... they can give each other a little piece of childhood glee back like its just so special to meeee

i'd love to know yours if you'd like to list some :-)

[disventure-rewrite-takes]

yesterday was a very rough day for me. I was very anxious which caused me a lot of stomach pain and headache. Kept walking back and forth hoping and praying that when the episodes drop I won't see what I ended up seeing. I could barely sleep the night before it either. Then I saw the google drive link for the episode on twitter, downloaded it and skipped straight to the end just to see who goes home, hoping that all that constant pain and fighting wasn't for nothing. Turns out they were all for nothing. I made a comment about it on reddit then I just cried my eyes out. All for nothing, yet another lose and proof that I have no luck, that nothing in my life ever wants to work out the way I want. I cried and my chest hurt so much that I passed out and my mom had to take me to the hospital. I am fine and can think and talk properly now, however i have no desire for anything anymore. Absolutely nothing. And whenever I think about what happened I just feel bad. I was able to watch season 3 episode 21 in full a few hours ago and was completely let down by how they wrote him. It was so awful. I was able to stomach how he went home last season but here? This ain't it. I haven't felt this bad watching a disventure camp episode in my life and I have 0 desire to continue watching it, and as someone who constantly defended the show this really hurts more than it should. I feel like I got stabbed. Jake haters won, I lost. Congrats to everyone who wanted him to go early, you won, he's not gonna compete ever again. I bet all of them are celebrating right now, good for them.

So this leads me to my goodbye. Everyone i know told me to leave everything about this show behind for my own well beng. And that's what I'm going to do. Thank you to everyone who liked me, and to those who didn't, I am sorry. I had some fun times here and I'm happy I was able to make some people laugh either with my pants jokes, my fanarts or with my love for Jake, which yes, is genuine, I do genuinely have a crush on him even if he's not real, even if he's a piece of shit, he's my piece of shit. i'm gonna keep this account up for a few more hours then I will delete it for good unless the mods will be faster than me and delete this thread before it for being too off topic. No more coming back unless maybe some miracle happens and I find out that either him or another character I really love will compete in another season. But i'm not gonna be that lucky because this whole thing proved that I never will be, no matter how much I beg for it. Why remain here when I'm not interested in any of the future episodes and the show will likely end for good after it, if not forever then definitely for a couple of years. No point in staying here. Goodbye and as Jake once said, It's giving./c

its giving 😞✊🏼

[filipinoizukuu]

So like, It's not a petpeeve but more like a general thought about Deku's character,,,, is that i think out of the three Todoroki and Bakugou would be the ones to more likely have the "if it makes them happy, i am fine" and if they truly didn't see much chance for them they'd try to move on. But definitely NOT Deku.

He wouldn't give up his shit for nothing imo. Not that he wouldn't accept it if there was no hope, but as long as he is capable he is going after what he wants.

Actually, i read this fic once where someone was considering telling Deku they love Baku, but decided not to bc they thought he'd give up on him just to be kind. Only for Deku to brutally tell them to back off. 😂

LMAOOOO THATS CUTE yeah i feel like itd surprise most people bc maybe . under sny other situation and if he were in love w any other person. he WOULD be the type to give up. except its kacchan and kacchan always makes deku just a little selfish so ...

tdbk talking to each other about their feelings for deku is so funny bc its just both of them in the locker room going "he deserves... better than me .... you should go for it." and its a constant back and forth of them doing that shit until one day Either bkg or tdrk snaps n just goes YOU KNOW WHAT. FINE. LETS BOTH GO FOR IT WE'RE THE BIG THREE NO EXTRAS WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH

[alphamamalioness]

So what happens with the corruption mostly depends on the loyalty and trust of the mate or mates within the pack, just like the healing of the corruption as well! In theory you could indeed possibly heal the corruption but as you’ve also said it is extremely difficult especially since kindness causes them pain which in turn may corrupt them even more?

So they would suffer and so would the mates, and children, which just wouldn’t be worth it unless you are willing to take days, weeks, even months or years trying to save what is left of the bitty that you love going back and forth until you succeed or the goop… melts them fully or.. has them pass on their own or by another’s/your own hand

So wait-

How deep of a lie hurts the alpha?

Like a white lie not intentional of hurting the pack? Like where they get food from when in an abandoned situation when not returned to you?

Or perhaps a lie about liking another alpha?

Or maybe a lie about wanting to be their mate?

Or even a lie about harming another bitty? Or being hurt?

Does the pain or hurting of another mate have to be physical or can it be emotional as well?

What if it’s just rough housing and they accidentally hurt the other mate? Will it also cause corruption?

Bad intentions can be vague so like betrayal- is it perhaps like taking in another alpha, as in trying to replace the other alpha? Perhaps even wanting to harm to the rejected children or other children not of their own? Or maybe just simply wanting to cause the alpha pain?

Oh! And… so if a pack had a corrupted alpha, will the pack try to leave and find another alpha? To be comforted or feel protected from their previous one?

Im sorry for such a long list of questions ^^’ I just couldn’t help my rambling

AlphaMamaLioness: Hello! ^w^ And don't worry, I'm really happy to answer all your doubts and curiosities, this also allows me to ground more my universe rules and details.

1°) That's the detail about it… A corrupted Alpha will suffer from constant pain and be eaten by the darkness slowly, the pain from the darkness is vicious and cause addiction, so makes it hard for the victim to be out of it… on the other side, the kindness and caring its a different type of pain to a corrupted alpha, its a cold and uncomfortable, like the pain of abstinence… That's why is so hard, the Alpha needs to WANT to be healed to endure this.

2°) It depends on the level of the lie, the little lies of the day by day it is like just a scratch (White Lie) and they don't even notice much, will take a good amount of time to have a dangerous level of corruption.

Examples of White Lies: Lie about liking another alpha but not, Lying about wanting mating but not, lying about be or not fear of the alpha, lying about their past relationship, lying about the health status of themselves or their relatives, lying about causing minor levels of pain to another pack member or being hurt, and etc…

3°) The pain or hurting of another mate can be physical AND emotional as well since some emotions can be really deep, more than the physical.

4°) Roughhousing, playing and accidents can't cause any corruption, it needs to have the INTENTION TO HURT to cause any damage.

5°) Taking another alpha without the consent of their main alpha is really dangerous and causes deep damage, but hurting their own children or another's mate's children causes even more hurt.

6°) It depends on how stable the bond of the pack is to the Alpha, but they will try to leave if the means is to protect the babies.

[wonderlandpixiesworld]

I found my LiveJournal accounts from when I was a teenager yesterday. I was reading though them realizing nothing has really changed.

The last post I made was over 18 years ago.

"It's amazing just looking into the sky,

it's odd to feel so at ease,

just watching the clouds go by,

Its beauty is so calming

or maybe it's just a dream

a dream of hope, peace, and happiness...

I have this constant wonder

what will it take to reach this place

I find myself constantly pondering

why me?

what did I do so bad that I must not deserve this?

the stress is becoming so overwhelming.

that somedays I feel like giving up,

somedays I just feel as if my world has crashed

I feel like I'm falling back into that deep dark hole inside myself

but that is one of the few things that keep me fighting

because in that deep dark home inside myself

in that place lies years upon years of misery

the frustration,

the anger,

the depression,

the self-inflictions,

the pills,

the drugs,

the sleepless nights,

the nightmares...

this pain that kills so many...

that I survived...

Looking out the breezy fall weather sets in

the gusts of wind throw beautiful colored leaves twirling into the air

to be wildly thrown until they have been crushed and destroyed

but yet long after they have been dismantled,

they still do not rest

some are buried,

some are burned,

but yet every spring they come back

and bring their beauty and strength with."

Reading those entries was maddening. What I feared has become true. I'm trapped. Alone. Feeling as if I have no one. I've lost count on the number of times that I’ve tried to commit suicide. I should be dead right now. I should've been dead a long time ago.

Life gets better huh? Lies and bullshit. I hate how I feel now. I feel like I’m just existing. Flowing back and forth, day by day. Timelines are blurred. Another night I pray I don’t wake up just to wake up and curse the world. I’m so lonely but I don’t know how to reach out and make friends. Nothing for me to talk about. Everything inside is so twisted and turned around. I feel like I have nothing to contribute to anyone. I just wanted a life where I was happy. I thought at this point in my life I thought I’d at least have a partner. But no, I couldn’t even have a single healthy relationship. Just kept picking the wrong ones. But that’s life right. I’m supposed to learn from my “mistakes” but apparently, I just don’t learn. Not too surprising though. It’s me right. All I am is a burden. And now knowing I’m not wanted here, in this house… I really have to get my shit together so I can get the fuck out of the way. Because that’s what I am, I’m just in the way. I wish I wasn’t a complete idiot and had answered those background check questions differently. That one fucking question. Could’ve been done with this shit already and out of the way, no longer a burden to those around me. If I take my life, I’m labeled selfish, but aren’t those who say that also selfish? I’ve been living in this mental torcher for a quarter of a century. Nothing changes. I’m living in the same hellish existence. I can’t remember the names of the multitude of medications I’ve been on, and nothing seems to help. Even like right now, being taken off meds to get a baseline. I feel pretty much the same off them, then I did on them.

I must deal with not just living in the mental hell of depression, anxiety, ADHD, Bipolar, BPD, C-PTSD and OCD side of life, but the physical as well. I struggle living with Fibromyalgia, MS and a few other health issues. I’m stuck on disability. Finally found a job where I fit in, that I was good at. I felt like I had a purpose. Job paid like shit, but I loved the job. But the MS took that from me. So much has happened in my life already, and it feels like there’s always something that adds onto the struggle. I’ve been reliving traumatic events from the past. Trying to figure out why I can’t let go of the trauma I’ve been through. Trying to find the grey in a black and white world… I don’t understand why I’m still here. What my purpose is, what the universe has instore for me. I don’t even know who I am anymore, but then again, I don’t think I’ve ever known who I was. I’ve just spent my life trying to make everyone else happy. Searching for a place to belong, but every time I think I’ve found one… it gets ripped away from me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll always be alone and this hell I live in will continue to be my life. Hospitalizations, medications, therapy. Nothing gets better, nothing changes. But I’m still here fighting and I don’t even know why.

[suvidrache]

Unholy

age in bio when interacting. minors do not interact.

Word Count: 1,048 | Read it on AO3 | Tag List

Shinju had surprisingly never been in a relationship before. He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t bad at it. He’d take you out on beautiful dates, and he was very kind and caring. He would also give you gifts and never forget any important dates. He also remembered everything you told him about yourself, from anything as simple as your favorite color to something you said that you liked in passing but you didn’t have the money to afford at the time. He didn’t forget, and he tried the best that he could to make things perfect for you. You were happy with him, and you tried telling him he didn’t have to spend all his money. He did pretty well saving; despite his constant spending, he knew what it was like to be poor and wasn’t going to go through that again. Things were good between the two of you. There wasn’t usually a time where there was an argument. You both often talked things out before they got worse. You were both good at communicating your feelings. It had been many months into your relationship. You wanted to take things further, but you didn’t know how to tell him. You never had an issue talking to him before. You were nervous, and so was he. He felt the same as you did and was afraid of what you might say. You guys had never gone this far in your relationship before.

You sat on the couch next to him, reading a book while he scrolled through things on his phone.  Both of you were content in your own little world. You looked over at him, your eyes slowly trailing his body. Looking over at him, you couldn’t help but let out a little smile as you watched him. His eyes seemed to be glued to his phone. You thought he was oblivious to your watchful eyes. He looked at you from the corner of his eyes. His orange eyes glowing as he looked at you. You didn’t stop staring, and he turned his full attention on you.

“Can I help you?” He asked as he looked at you with a slightly confused glance.

“Sorry, I was just admiring you...” You said trailing off as you looked away.

He turned and looked at whatever had suddenly caught your attention. He saw nothing and looked back at you. You stayed looking away, and he noticed.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You said quietly as you went back to reading.

He looked away and looked back at you. He didn’t mean to upset you. He wasn’t sure what he had done or what to do.

“Are you sure that you’re okay?”

You felt your cheeks heat up. You were fine—perfectly fine. You hadn’t expected to be caught admiring him. You didn’t want to say the thoughts that you had in your head. It didn’t help that Sinju had leaned closer, listening to anything that you might say quietly. He was genuinely worried for you, and if you looked over at him, you would have seen the worry that he had on his face.

“I was just thinking about how it would be nice to have you inside me.” You stated quietly, as you felt your face heat up.

He blinked. He had heard you clearly. He blinked again as he sat back in his seat. He didn’t know what to say or do. The silence was deafening. It was only for a moment, but it felt much longer than that.

“Do you really want to?” He asked as he looked at you.

You looked at him when you replied. “Yes.”

He smiled as he gently grabbed you and pulled you onto his lap. Your eyes met his, and he wrapped his arms around you. You leaned in, closed your eyes, and your lips met his. He kissed you back, and his hand slowly slid up your shirt. Your hand found its way into his hair. You continued to kiss him. Your hips slowly began to move back and forth. He gave your lip a gentle bite and kissed you once more. Your hips continued moving against him. His hand found its way to your chest, while his other hand held onto your hip. You separated away from him as you slid yourself back and forth. You wanted to see his face. You could feel his hardened cock beneath him. His cheeks were a light pink hue as you looked at him. His orange eyes slowly trail down your body. Your hands found their way to the hem of your shirt. You grabbed your shirt and slowly pulled it off your body, teasing him. His eyes began to wander, and you gently grabbed his chin and had him look at your face. He blushed brighter and closed his eyes; he couldn’t look away with your hand holding onto him. He opened his eyes, and your hand slid down his chest. He took his shirt off, and his hand found its way back to your hip and chest as you continued grinding against him. His hands shakily grabbed a hold of your hips.

“Let me inside of you, please.” He said quietly as he looked at you.

“Go ahead.” You said with a smile.

He moved so that you were lying on the couch. He removed the remainder of your clothes, as well as his. His fingers worked to stroke/rub you. You let out a moan as his fingers began to work harder and faster. His other hand worked to stroke himself. He bit his lip to prevent himself from moaning. He brought you both to cum, and then he slid himself inside of you, letting out a moan as he did. His hands rested on your hips as he waited for confirmation before he began to move his hips back and forth. He didn’t want to hurt you, and he took his time, slowly moving his hips back and forth, before you told him to increase speed. He began to move harder and faster. Your hips moved along with him, causing you to moan. He continued to thrust back and forth. His moans were quiet as he did, and the blush still remained on his face.

© SUVIDRACHE — do not copy, translate, modify, or plagiarize my work. reblogs are appreciated!

Tag List: @eli-chris

[anhourofsleep]

Favorite Umbrella

I didn’t expect the rain.

All day, the sun was shining its blistering rays. When I left the house, I could feel the heat prickling on my skin, determined to persuade me to just stay inside.

It was Sunday. I can’t stay inside.

So when I went home at 9 PM, grateful for the ride home from my friends, the sudden, strong downpour was not something I wished for. Obviously, this will make it harder for me to go home. But I didn’t want this because I know, deep in the crevices of my short-circuiting brain that I did not bring an umbrella.

The rain was sudden. And it was strong. When it was at the crescendo of its power, I panicked. The sidewalk was clean of waiting sheds (screw poor urban planning, amirite?). I kept moving forward, hoping to find something. Anything, at this point. Because I knew if I don’t, I’ll get soaked and I’ll be miserable.

Shortly after I bet my whole life on just moving ahead and hoping for the best, I found myself in front of a car dealership, with a single, pop-up canopy still up. I hurried along and got under it just in time for the rain to drop like a hot new BINI single (I am not good with analogies).

Fall like rain indeed. With me safe under this tent, I watched as the rain became torrent, generously sharing its water as if everyone in this part of the city has had none for the past few years. It looked like it wasn’t stopping any time soon. I accepted that this was going to take a while, so I paced back and forth under the shade, getting weary as each second went by.

So I just decided to pray. Might as well do something. My bluetooth headphones are dead and I can’t lay down to nap (obviously).

I started reflecting on what’s been happening so far. I feel like I’m at a major fork in the road. I have gone through some, but this feels different. This feels like the moment. Like in the movies where the hero has to choose; the world or his loved one? Do or die, my good sir.

At this fork, my battle within myself rages on. The choice to be happy is hard when melancholy is so comfortable. They say change is the only constant thing in the world. And I’m constantly ignoring its calls.

I’m used to doing things on my own. I don’t care how anyone does it. And it worked for me. Right...?

“Nope. It did not.” I said out loud.

It’s fine. There are no people around and if there were, the rain would be loud enough to mask my voice.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? It did not work out for me. I am a mess. I am broken. When I feel like everyone around me is having the time of their life, I am in my own world where the only one speaking is that gloomy blue star in the Mario Movie, going “Everything’s over now and all that’s left is you in an infinite void” over and over again.

And it all happened in an instant. It’s like this sudden downpour, where I am left to just move forward, regardless if I find shelter or not.

I looked for it in a lot of things. Most of it is in the company of people who want me to drink my troubles away. That worked for them, they said. But it’ll be like if I try and ask someone to walk with me in this rain and both of us have no raincoats or umbrellas. I’ll be glad of the company, but we’re both soaked, right?

For a time, I was content in doing this. It’s the familiar. It’s something that made me comfortable because it was my constant. I don’t want to look for a new life. This is it for me. Why should I strive for something better? But I felt it. I felt it in my heart that I have to move forward. Even if I can’t see how I’m going to be okay.

When I was slipping over and over again that made me look like I was just lying down, God held out His hand through the people in this community. When I accepted that this is the peak for me, He told me no and sent out people to help me up.

He doesn’t want me down there. He wants me up because I have a job to finish.

However, He also knows I can’t brave the storm yet. So He guided me to a canopy where I should just sit back and revel in the isolation because He knows I’ll get to know Him more here. He removed me from the world because I’ve been trying too hard to go through it on my own. He provided me shade because He knows that I have yet to acquire my umbrella.

Through the raging torrent, I found shelter. A shelter that I can stay in to wait out the storm and with people who are waiting with me. People isolated from the cruelty of the world, finding solace in God’s protection.

When the rain stops, I’ll be more careful to bring my umbrella next time. If the storm comes again, I’ll use it and maybe help out someone who got caught in the rain and lead them to their canopy. The same way that the people in mine did for me.

For now, let the storm prove its point. I will be waiting here, safe in the shade.

Isaiah 4:5-6

[ohhcalamxty]

hello. its been a while? 5 years actually. what a place this is! what a trip down memory lane of many emotions.

a quick tldr: im 25 now, im engaged and live with my amazing partner and 2 cats. i am ed free (for the most part - i still struggle to love my body sometimes), clean, and i am in therapy! a place i never would have thought id be.

i didnt think id come back here like. ever. but ive been having nightmares of sam recently. its odd isnt it, how the brain works? i havent seen sam in 7 years? since the 2nd june 2018 to be exact, and yet he haunts me. why?

this is an odd correlation but recently i got into taylor swift. her music has been wonderfully cathartic and whilst i never assumed id be one of those girls who screams breakup songs and curses them at my exes....here we are.

TTPD (and most of taylors sad songs) unhealed me, so to speak, or at least awoke something in me. i wouldn't ever proclaim i have had bad relationships. i am always grateful for the time myself and owen spent together, and i am extremely happy with josh (I'd say 2/4 of my relationships being good is pretty huge) but here I am screaming and crying over break up songs at the eras tour and tearing up in the shower because they resonate with a point in my life and put my feelings into words in a way I've never been able to do.

elliot was interesting but i try not to curse his name so much as we were 14 and maybe he didn't mean what he did because he didn't understand consent, or maybe i am naive and too nice - i guess we'll never know because he quite literally dropped off the face of the earth! (Also, minor shoutout for him delaying dumping me because my grandma died! i do appreciate that at least!)

sam however....oh where do I begin with sam!

"Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?"

I think I spent a lot of my teen years reflecting on sam, because well, he fucked me up so much. i mean how emotionally spent must I be to have nightmares of someone who I spent less than 12 months with at the age of 16, and then collided with again for a single night at the age of 19. Clearly we're fucked here.

I cannot find the words to describe you, and I'm unsure what i did to deserve a love like this. You had a girlfriend that you loved and were with for years, and then I (your close friend at the time) got dumped, and you make your move. We hang out a lot, cool, fine, nothing new as we were friends anyway. My mind is hazy on how it started or when we went from friends to whatever we were but it haunts me so much lmao.

The constant talks of i was the one, and that yes I will leave her for you. I fear nobody ever talks about being the other woman because its so odd - it isnt a flex, it isnt cool or sexy. it fucking sucks and it fucked me up but i liked sam so much i believed it. I mean picture this: you're 16, just lost your grandma, heavily depressed, self harming, riddled with an ed and have been dumped but low and behold your best friend tells you he loves you and plays with your hair and holds you. we go on dates and have sleepovers with friends (he still had a gf btw) hes fucked up too but he worries and cares about you more than anyone else, but at the cost of if you try to pull away he hurts himself, and threatens suicide (and believe me he'd do it) - stuck between a rock and a hard place aye.

"And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts - Memories feel like weapons"

Less than a year of back and forth, misery and stringing along. I can't remember how or why it ended but I know it took a lot of attempts of pulling away (and him pulling me back) to get away. A lot of bits are hazy but I can assume it must have been around the time when I met owen? There are old screenshots on here of sam talking to me and they make me feel unwell (not an exaggeration) - his words (even after it all ended) and how he tried to act like he cared makes me feel like a pit inside (even now). I do however find it funny that my posts from 2015 and 2016 about him claiming hes ruined my life don't seem that dramatic now that im 25 and having nightmares about him.

"Oh, God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind - I regret you all the time"

I think I would have been ok if this was it. I don't think I would be grieving my past self, my girlhood, my naivety if this was all - i very much had support through my other relationships to help the sam trauma which i do appreciate. But it doesnt end here does it? Nah thats too easy.

"Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden"

2nd June 2018: Me and Josh had briefly split up. It was Karlies birthday and we went out in HTC (dire) and I guess because Hinckley is a tiny place and everyone goes to the same places we ran into a lot of people (some good some bad) - including Sam.

Ima be honest idk where he came from or who he was out with but there he was, buying me drinks, talking to me, I dont remember much but I can assume I was happy. I do however remember him leading me away, telling me we're heading to the next bar because that's where everyone else was going but we actually were heading in the complete opposite direction haha. god knows where we were going but on the walk we sat on a bench, i cried, i told him off, told him he ruined my life, he told me he'd missed me so much, he held me, i cried more, i hated him and then we just rinsed and repeated as he pootled me up castle street to wherever he was taking me. My friend rang me, I told them I was with sam, people came running (guess they all know hes bad news) and they (including josh, who was my ex at the time and ig technically hated me) beefed him until he left and that was that. I haven't seen him since - i still dont know where he was taking me or what his plan was. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didnt answer the phone, sometimes I wish I hadn't and that maybe I deserved whatever would happen. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, being dramatic, but the trauma of the emotions that 16 year old me feels is still there. It haunts me.

"Don't call me "kid", Don't call me "baby" Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me"

So here we are. I guess I'm bringing this up at therapy in a few weeks because these feelings won't disappear (and Honestly I'm not sure why they reappeared other than being repressed emotions). I wonder though, has this affected you as much as it as me? Do you feel bad about what you did? Are you suffering? Do you think about me? Do you feel bad that you had such control over me or did you enjoy it? Claiming you've lost sleep over me and that you want to protect and help me? Was any of it true I wonder.

"And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?"

I suppose I'll never know, but I can only hope that memories of me haunt you as much as they haunt me. I hope you get everything you deserve, and I hope I can heal. My skin is no longer the skin you touched, I no longer physically feel you, and I hope one day my memories of you will be hazy and faded, and I don't need to jump at ghosts anymore.

And my therapist wonders why I really dislike men huh.

[girlwaitingforvienna]

I feel like the worst version of myself at the moment.

I'm 23,

Married,

I have a 18 month old son who I love more than anything,

But I'm still not fulfilled completely,

Still not "happy",

Not content.

Money isn't supposed to be everything & yet- it involves literally almost everything you want to do,

You are supposed to be confident but not too confident that you let your own ego swallow up your soul and turn you against yourself with pure vanity,

You are supposed to keep learning new things, keep climbing up the ladder with a career and a job and a house and your own creative endeavors all at the same time-

But you look down and only realize that you have 2 hands,

Oh how satisfying would it be to have an abundant amount of hands so you can do as many things you want to do all at once without the worry of working with only the 2 that you have.

I feel like I have this big heavy hole living inside of my chest- a swarming sea of complete blackness and negativity and self-sabatage and depression,

And it has tenticals- trying to pull whatever is lying nearby into the hole of darkness that sinks deeper inside of me, it wants more victims to feed on- because it almost has a sense that my will is becoming too weak for its liking.

I try to patch up the hole when I need to-

Forcing it to only feed on me, but sometimes it still finds its way outside of myself, bringing other people down with me, and it's painful to watch.

I know myself one day,

Then I don't the next;

"Who are you?" I ask my reflection in the mirror.

I think to myself; I am a mom,

A wife,

A dog-lover,

A writer,

A dreamer-

Then I feel that all-too-fimilar pang run through the middle of my chest and I can see the blackness of the hole beginning to show itself right in front of me - extending its sinister tentacles my way, slowly wrapping itself around my throat-

Wanting more than anything to swallow me hole;

but I turn away and pretend it was never there to begin with.

I feel like a disappointment to everyone that I love.

"Why can't you just do the right thing?!" My consciousness screams loudly inside of my head.

"Why do you make things more complicated than they need to be?!" It continues.

"Why can't you just BE HAPPY?!" It relents.

My mind swarms with thoughts similar to these on an almost constant never-ending cycle, leaving me feeling helpless and dry and with hardly any motivation to do what's "right.".

What even is the right thing to do?

I believe I am a good person at heart, but I also admit I do partake in some stupid ignorant things that I know is wrong at times.

But why?

Why, why why?

It feels good for maybe a split second and then I am being tossed back and forth inside my own head about whether or not I am worthy of this life. Because someone who makes bad decisions and then still convinces themselves that they are a "good person" in their heads is not a person who will grow mentally in a good way.

I'm petrified of falling into the abyss of nothingness everyday-

The black hole that tries to consume me on a daily basis,

It's tiring,

I want the life I deserve and I want to be the best version of myself but how can I do that if I am still attempting to find that best version?

I feel like the best version of me is hiding inside a dark corner of my mind, scared to show herself in fear of the possibility of rejection from the outside world,

The possibility of getting used,

Getting run over by a tractor trailer that is called "life" after doing all that she could to make the best life for herself because she deserved it.

It's something that scares me night and day,

And I'm slowly working on getting over that fear before the black hole keeps trying to consume me; because that is a battle I want to win, but also a battle I'm not sure I can fight.

[shveris]

malibu

mysta was scared of the ocean but he was glad shu brought him to the beach.

tags: bubble tea shop au, strangers to lovers, my writing style drifts into the poetry area some times good luck deciphering that

chapter two: i

the way he jumped at the soft vibrations of his phone made mysta groan internally. since when was he so desperate?

shu: it was okay, today was busier than usual :(

mysta: damn prolly cuz of the fair

shu: ahh yea u might be right mr detective

mysta: 🕵🏻 !!

the brunette put his phone away to bury his face in his pillow. exchanging number with shu was the bravest thing he has done since asking that one girl in kindergarten for the black crayon, just to get scolded for making her cry. at least shu didn’t seem to mind texting him every now and then, even replying during his shifts and sending him pictures of drinks he made for himself.

it may have only been a week but mysta felt like shu has always been a part of his life; a constant, flowing with each other like waves (rocking back and forth in a steady and unchanging rhythm) and he felt so incredibly ridiculous for thinking about that innocent angel in that way. he didn’t even swear or curse, he’d notice, and it made his chest arch in a way he can’t seem to explain to himself even.

every word shu exchanged with him gave him a certain sense of nostalgia and comfort, his voice wrapping around him like a warm blanket during london’s grey winter and mysta felt like the world would finally be at peace with shu existing next to him.

his phone vibrated, startling him once again.

shu: wanna go to the fair tmrw? c:

mysta could hear the rushing of his own blood in his ears, forgetting to breathe for a second while hovering his thumbs above his keyboard. he was sure the train of thoughts he followed a split second ago, had just vanished into thin air, along side any other coherent words of the english language inside his brain.

mysta: yea!

mysta: dont u have work tho?

shu: o yea u can pick me up at 8:40

mysta: sounds goodd

everything inside his mind was racing; racing against the suddenly rapid beating of his heart; the realization of spending an evening with shu trying to kick in. does this count as a date?, he asked himself, trying to calm down.

he sat up in his bed, combing a hand through his ash brown hair. mysta felt like he was sinking into the pit of his darkest thoughts, low self-esteem nagging at every inch of his skin — sickness was setting at the pit of his stomach, adrenaline making him dizzy.

mysta knew he had to keep himself grounded, but not at the bottom of the ocean. long nails with chipped black paint leaving red lines on the skin of his throat and the soft burn of it reminded him of diving down too deep, the lack of air making him lightheaded in a way he’d never enjoy.

when mysta left the house the next evening, nina was nowhere to be seen (not that he would care because he didn’t) and the summer sun was still out and very much too bright for him — at least malibu was giving him good reasons to wear his sunglasses again because the uk surely didn’t — but he could handle it now.

the shop still had all its lights on, though the sign at the door said “closed” and shu, on the inside, was wiping down the tables while one of his co-workers stood at the sink. mysta wasn’t sure if he was allowed to enter so he softly knocked on the glass of the door. shu shot him a happy smile and a thumbs up before he turned around, speaking to his colleague.

two minutes passed before the ravenette came out of the store, a small bag strapped around his chest. they awkwardly looked at each other before mysta remembered “this might be a bloody date” and offered shu open arms, a shy invitation for a hug, and how could shu ever say no to a blushing mysta.

“how was your shift?”, the ashen asked after they parted, feeling awfully stiff — mysta will probably never get used to physical touch as he grew up without it, and strange things scared him, but the bad attempt at small talk could’ve also been a reason for the sudden amount of stress. to his relief, shu answered with a genuine smile and words, and it felt like a dream come true, that’s how deep mysta had his head in the ocean.

the walk to the fair was short, filled with a light breeze, warm words, lucid laughter. the bright and colored lights of the venue made shu look like a painting mysta could stare at for hours and he’d never get tired of it.

seagulls around were patiently waiting for opportunities to strike for food, screaming children and loud voices went blurry in a hunch the closer they got.

mysta would be lying if he’d say he liked those kinds of events — with a lot of people, colors, sounds, smells —, most of the time he avoided them for the sake of not getting sensory overloaded. but tonight, he could feel it, would be different. tonight he had shu with him, shu who took away all his attention, even on the ferris wheel when they could look over all of malibu; all the way to point dume while catching the silhouettes of the santa monica mountains, with the channel islands and santa barbara to the other side.

the various food stalls did a great job at making mysta a poor man, which was also partly his fault since he insisted on paying for everything (much to shu’s disagreeing (cute) pout). they had also found a takoyaki stand and after tasting their food, the ravenette had told mysta he could make better ones at home, which he took for a future invitation and, perhaps, a second date.

the sky above was dark and clear, mysta had asked to put his sunglasses into shu’s bag and he could only see a few stars above them, the lights of the city cancelling out magic he liked to watch when in the uk; the part of london he lived in was small and not as lively as malibu. over the years the brunette taught himself to love the loneliness those suns, constellations and galaxies would grace him with. the sky felt wide and open, he could see danger approaching, he could prepare himself to get lost — the ocean on the other hand was blurry, filled with pressure and everything humanity didn’t dare touch.

“frick.” the ravenette looked over his shoulder, someone had run into him and didn’t even apologize. mysta didn’t like how packed it was but chaos was a natural occurrence when it came to darkness, he should know and shu knew it better.

“c’mere”, mysta shuffled as close as he could to shu and grabbed his hand, he was so scared of losing shu in the crowd — it would mean getting a panic attack in the middle of a dozen people, strangers, people he didn’t know- oh god, why were there so many people? air, where was all the air all of the sudden? why did he even say yes to this? this was an awful idea, he should leave, immediately-

“let’s go over here”, shu swiftly intertwined their fingers, dragging the ashen through the stream of chatter to a more open area with activity booths and arcade machines. his brows were furrowed when he looked at mysta’s face in the dim light the lanterns and decorations offered: “deep breaths, deep breaths.” shu’s free hand made up and down movements with every breath he took, hoping the visualization would help mysta. people passing them looked at shu with judging gazes, and usually he would go hide somewhere the sun would never reach, but mysta’s panicked expression felt like a hit to the stomach.

“okay, okay”, the ashen whispered after he felt more stable again, “okay, i’m okay.”

“you are, you’re doing well. i’m here, i gotchu.” shu looked at him with so much innocent determination, it washed away the strain on mysta’s lungs. his sunset eyes stared into shu’s before he was starting to take in his surroundings again.

“let’s relax a bit”, the ravenette grinned, relieved, before giving mysta’s hand a gently squeeze — and both of them didn’t want to let go of each other — before dragging him to a stand that seemed to be advertising goldfish catching.

they watched each other play their rounds, giddy laughter whenever the little fish managed to jump or wiggle off the flimsy scoop net and in the end neither of them managed to get a good catch (or any catch, really).

mysta wasn’t quite surprised when he found out shu was above averagely skilled at crane games although he still couldn’t stop himself from staring at the ravenette in awe. mysta was holding onto their sixth pokémon plush toy and he could already feel all the kids around them staring in envy.

“another one, let’s gooo, babyyy”, shu presented a snorlax to the brunette and maybe it was the way his eyebrows rose or how he hold it up to him, but mysta couldn’t stop himself from letting out a small laugh.

“come on”, shu grinned and helped the other one with carrying the different plushies. mysta looked at him, puzzled: “where to?”

“the kids will eat you up alive if we won’t share some of our prizes”, the ravenette giggled and mysta swore someone just stabbed him with amor’s arrow, right through his chest, into his fast beating heart.

it didn’t even take them five minutes to hand out all the toys and when it came down to the last one, shu insisted in keeping it. mysta didn’t mind, he won it himself and he personally had no need for more plushies as his bed at home in the uk was already overflowing with those.

“so vulpix is your favorite pokémon?”, mysta grinned but instead of answering, shu’s face flushed bright red, which mysta didn’t even notice due to all the different colored lights painting the scene like they were in a dreamy movie.

“y- yeah!” mysta had to stifle a giggle, shu was an awful liar.

after about two hours shu could feel exhaustion settle in his bones, he bet he could stay longer if it weren’t for his shift. walking and standing around started to hurt his feet and his legs felt heavy to a point where they had to sit down on one of the benches for some rest.

“i’ll bring you home once you feel be’er again”, the ashen said and the tone in his voice was unfamiliar to shu, though he didn’t dislike it. he’s never heard such a determent mysta so he welcomed the change of air, feeling glad to be seen as trusted enough to see an unfiltered version of his new friend.

“sure”, shu smiled, tired but still welcoming, “we can walk along the beach, i live nearby.” mysta got up, dusted off his pants, and offered his hand to the other. shu grabbed it without hesitation and thanked him after getting pulled up. their fingers intertwined automatically and the both of them enjoyed the subtly touch of warmth, the secure feeling it gave them. they were each others life boats, softly seesawing on a never ending navy fabric between the stars mysta never got to reach and the salty water shu had seen one too many times in his life.

once they walked off the fair, the loud chatter got drowned in beach sounds. they had to cross a small plastered part with vehicles parking left and right, trailers attached to most of them. mysta was almost fascinated with the bizarre sight until a group of four men stopped them in their path.

mysta may have grown up in a secluded area of london, but distance had never stopped gangs. this wasn’t the first time he’s encountered gang members and it will never be his last — simply because he did not possess something even close to luck — so his first instinct was stepping in front of shu. there was no way he’ll let them harm the obsidian haired and if this would be some of those crazy cliché manga he read in his spare time, he’d stab out their eyes because “how dare they lay their eyes on an angelic being like shu yamino”.

“you’re kosaka’s kid, right?”, one of them asked and mysta got upset at the darkness he usually loved to bathe in because right now, he couldn’t see shit, only the silhouettes of four strongly build men with shoulders wider than his fridge.

“kosaka’s what?”, the ashen asked in confusion, dragging shu behind him even closer to his back (and to be really honest with himself: the weird angle his arm was at began to hurt him), trying to shield him away.

“don’t play stupid, boy, we saw you with her multiple times. even the color of your hair is similar.” oh. oh. they meant nina. mysta completely forgot about her last name as he associated it with his dad; all memories and information in relation to him got shoved into the back of his mind when he was old enough to understand that he was the reason his mom cried every evening for three years.

“i seriously don’t know who you’re talking about, i don’t know no kosaka or wha’ever you mean, dude”, he explained slowly, eyes narrowed, tone cold and careful. what did these men want and how was his weird aunt related to this? for christ’ sake, he didn’t even know the name of the street she lived in.

“he’s a good liar, you have to give him that!”, another guy laughed with a raspy tint in his voice, as if his throat was made out of rough corned sandpaper — it wasn’t, mysta knew, he was just a smoker and a heavy one at that, too —, “let’s just get him, she’ll react instantly.”

get him? get? as in “kidnap”? oh hell nah.

mysta’s legs were faster than the four men’s thinking process’ as he death gripped shu’s hand and ran back to the fair, into the clutter of people. the yells behind him doubled in volume and amount since mysta did not really care about the three kids he just ran over or the middle aged woman with her portion of overpriced fries.

they fought themselves through the crowd, taking turns and corners over and over; if mysta was good at something, it was mind games. he knew how to trick people, knew how to get rid of them, knew how to fuck them up real good if necessary. and for mysta, shu was his top priority and after looking over his shoulder to make sure shu wasn’t about to pass out, all he saw was a determent expression and parted lips, a small sign to the pathway to success.

they never let go of each other because if they would drown, shu was there to stop them and mysta knew that reaching for the stars would keep them afloat for a while.

chapter 1 / 3 / 4

the fic on ao3 and my twitter

[kalinara]

I feel like Reva’s redemption in Obi-Wan Kenobi, already great in its own right, really shone a light on why Kylo Ren’s redemption in the Sequel Trilogy didn’t work for me.

Now granted, it was always going to be an uphill battle for me to find a Kylo Redemption narratively satisfying.  I’ve made no secret about the fact that I didn’t really think a redemption was feasible after the events of the first and second movie.  

But I’m not an immovable object.  I’ve seen good writers pull off plot twists that on paper I’d never have liked.  And sometimes, even a redemption arc can work for me.  

But let’s be honest here.  Kylo Ren did not have a redemption arc in Rise of Skywalker.  He was perfectly happy to keep terrorizing Rey with the force up to and until his super-magical mommy died for him.  And...no.  Sorry.  That really doesn’t work.

Redemption, narratively speaking, doesn’t need to be complicated.  Especially in Star Wars.  It generally happens in one moment of choice: Darth Vader saving his son, Din Djarin going back for Grogu, and especially, Reva deciding not to kill Luke Skywalker.

Reva isn’t more redeemable than Kylo Ren because her backstory is more sympathetic (even though it is),  She’s more redeemable because she made a choice.

Kylo Ren had many many opportunities for choices, and for the most part, he chose the most evil option each time.  He didn’t have to murder Lor San Tekka, but he did.  He didn’t have to kill Han Solo, but he did.  He didn’t have to torture Poe or Rey, maim Finn, defend the Starkiller, order the massacre on Jakku and so forth, but he did.  He didn’t have to hunt the Resistance to Crayt and try to massacre them to a man.  But he did.  And so on and so forth.

I think there was one time he chose not to shoot at his mom while she was floating in space.  Which, okay, maybe a fraction of a point for that.  But he doubled down afterward, so no.

The thing was though, no one made the choice FOR Reva.  Obi-Wan didn’t do some magical mumbo jumbo.  Luke didn’t talk her down.  Owen and Beru didn’t have her at gunpoint.  She just stopped.  It was a decision anyone could make at that moment, and she made it.  She stopped.

Kylo’s redemption didn’t work for me because it’s built into the privilege he’s had all along.  There was a constant assumption both within the movie (From Lor San Tekka, from Han Solo, from Rey - trying to repeat Luke’s triumph) and from fans that Kylo would follow in his grandfather’s footsteps.  Of COURSE, Kylo will redeem himself, it’s Star Wars.

It’s a guarantee because Kylo Ren is space royalty, because of Anakin.  Redemption is treated like an inheritance.  And in the end, Kylo gets his inheritance, not through his own choice, but through Leia’s actions.  And well, not every villain has a super powered mommy magically push them into being a better person.  

Reva’s not space royalty.  She’s just a woman who had been a traumatized child, who survived through holding onto her fear, rage, and hatred.  And then, as she stares down at an innocent person, having finally found the one way she could make her enemy suffer...she stops.  She looks at who she’s become and she decides to become someone else instead.  It’s much more satisfying.

There are folks who say the best kind of redemption arcs are the ones where you can follow the person afterward and watch them become a better person.  I think that’s true...sometimes.  I have no interest in Prince Kylo magnanimously sharing the bounty of his mother’s sacrifice.  (And thankfully, I don’t have to.  His redemption, and grateful reward, are much more palatable since he dies.)

Reva though?  I’d happily watch Reva do whatever she wants to do next.  Maybe she and Haja can team up and smuggle people out of Imperial hands.  Maybe she’ll pull a Mara Jade, and go out on her own...learn about who she is outside of Imperial control.  (I still think that’d be the best way to bring Mara into the Disney franchise.)  The possibilities are endless.

[queen-pudi]

Orange Soda

Ukai Keishin x Reader 18+ Minors DNI Warning: Female masturbation, blowjob, eating pussy idk im not good with tags im sorry if I missed something😭

Masterlist

I should be sleeping but I got hit with this and needed to let this out as soon as possible. This was sorta proofread so I'm sorry if I forgot to edit somethings but my 2 am brain says this is good so ima trust it

Every day you came into that damn store just to get an orange soda. You don't even really like orange soda that much but that's not why you come in. No, you come in to see the sexy and stern shop owner who smokes like his life depends on it. Ever since you first started your visits to his store you have been completely enamored by the coach. His hardass exterior reeling you in just to have you completely head over heels for his soft and sweet interior that only a few get to see. While you were interested in finding more about the man you are wasting your money for, you were more interested in finding out what else he can do with his mouth besides breathe in that cancerous smoke Today was no different than any other day You went to work, got off work, bolted to the fastest train to get you home, swiftly, but not too fast as to not seem eager, made your way to the store and made yourself look as attractive as possible before entering the store. Immediately you were hit with the scent of cigarettes and freshly heated up pastries. Looking over you saw the eye of your affection looking as bored as ever with a cigarette hanging loosely out of his mouth. Seeing who had entered the store he perked up immediately "Evening Y/N! In for your usual?" he asked, voice conveying just how happy he was to see you, his regular that never failed to bring a smile to his face. "As if I get anything else Ukai," You say playfully as you make your way to the freezer, opening the door and grabbing your drink without looking. Its always in the same exact spot waiting for you. However, today when you looked in your hand you were holding a coke. Confused you look back only to see that the freezer had been rearranged in order to accommodate the new drinks they had received. Huffing in annoyance you look up to see your orange soda on the highest shelf looking down at you, mocking you. You reached up to grab it yet it was just a hair out of reach. You jumped slightly hoping that would help but you were met with little improvement. Grumbling in frustration you go to try again before hearing someone chuckle and footsteps drawing closer. Before you had a chance to turn around you were met with a hand reaching past your own. The air suddenly wafting in tobacco and cheap cologne "Let me help you" you hear, voice almost right against your ear Ukai pressed you up against the freezer, a hand settled on your waist as he reaches up to grab the soda. Cold air blaring from the freezer doing nothing to cool you down as you feel his breath on your neck and his warmth surrounding you. Leaning down he says into your ear, "I believe this is yours" putting it just within your reach. You take it from him and thank him as he leaves your side. You falter slightly from the feeling of his hands leaving you. Slightly flustered and annoyed with the constant back and forth between the two of you that has been going on for months with nothing to show for it, you make your way to the counter ready to pay for your drink as you decide enough is enough and you will make a move today. Maybe you were imagining it but he couldn't meet your eyes and you could see a faint blush dusted on his cheeks. "That'll be $1.25," he says, voice trying to remain strong but you heard a slight waver to it Trying to come up with an idea to keep the momentum going you stood there shuffling through your bag. You looked stupid and it was apparent as Ukai looked at you curiously "Everything ok?" he asks, curiosity lacing his voice. Having no choice it was time to make a move. After all, that standing and rustling through your bag your mind was blank except for one extraordinarily bad idea but it's better than nothing. "I am so sorry I seemed to have forgotten my wallet," you said, nervousness riddled throughout your voice yet you tried to put on a brave face he chuckled to himself

"Is that all? Don't worry about it, it's on the house"

he says, handing it to you while giving you a comforting smile. you were tempted to leave it there but you might as well see it through. "Are you sure it's ok?" you ask, nervous but never one to back down from a challenge you gathered your courage to keep up a calm front "Of course! you're a valued customer and it's just a soda" he said with such certainty in his voice and a reassuring smile on his face "Thank you but are you sure there isn't anything I can do to repay you? I'm not opposed to manual labor" you say, batting your eyelashes and jutting out your chest trying to seem as sexy and seductive as possible. Yes, this idea may have come from a porno where the customer repaid the store owner with her body and yes that may have been the exact line she said and yes you may have watched it while imaging it was Ukai. You know what they say, Horny times call for horny measures. Ukai looked at you for a while, confused as to why you were pushing so hard for a $1.25 soda but after seeing the blush on your face and the scared yet lust-filled gaze in your eyes he understood exactly what you were hinting at. Ukai would be lying if he said he never thought of you that way. Every day for the past 3 months you've been coming in with your little skirt riding up ever so slightly, tempting him to come over and dive his head in between your thighs and have you scream out his name for the whole prefecture to hear. He even rearranged the freezer so that an incident just like today would happen so he could feel your body pressed against his for just a second. Deciding to play along he put out his cigarette, ready to give you his full attention. He leaned in so that you were eye to eye, breath fanning your face making it even hotter than you thought possible. Glancing down at your lips as they shined with that pretty cherry lip gloss you always wore that made your lips look so plump and ripe for the tasting. "Depends on what you had in mind doll" he smirked, letting you take the reigns just to see how far you'd go. You started this game so might as well let you decide where this will go. Not expecting you to go too far. Deciding it was now or never you slowly inched your way around the counter, hands resting on his shoulders while slowly making their way down to his thighs, leaning into his ear chest pressed against his as he shut his eyes roughly out of the small amount of doubt he had that this was all a dream and he'd wake up to find him alone in his bed once again. Breath fanning his ear you whisper "I can think of a few things that might suffice" slowly backing away before making your way to his lips, hovering for a second before saying fuck it and slotting your lips into his. Its everything you've been hoping for and more. Ukai grabbed your head and pulled you in to deepen the kiss. Tongues dancing with each other as you both tried to convey all the feelings you've had for the past 3 months. You pulled away from the kiss to get some air making him let out a soft whimper at the loss of contact before reopening his eyes once he felt your hands inching closer to his lap. Resting on your knees you undid his pants while maintaining eye contact as if to ask if this is ok. Seeing no signs of rejection you finally rubbed over his member slowly before taking it out. You stared at it for a moment, mouth drooling with the filthy ideas you have in mind before placing a small kiss on the tip. Ukai let out a small gasp as he watched in anticipation for your next move. Placing another kiss you decided to experiment and kiss down to the base before licking a long stripe back up to the top and finally placing him in your mouth and slowly starting your ministrations. Ukai groaned as you took him in so easily, eyes rolling back in pleasure. You've barely done anything and yet you had him wrapped around your finger. Starting out slowly you bobbed your head up and down, cheeks hollowing out to help accommodate his dick. What he lacked in length, which he surely doesn't, he makes up for in girth.

Stretching your mouth wide you can already feel how sore it will be later on but you didn't care.

How could you care when the sounds he was letting out sounded so good and had you going faster just to hear more. You picked up the pace resulting in him letting out more and more moans. "Y/N" he groaned out. Finally having enough you reached under your skirt and pulled aside your panties, slowly caressing your folds before diving in to give you some sort of relief. He looked down and the sight he was greeted with almost had him come right then and there. To see you that riled up from simply sucking his dick had him on the edge of his seat and itching for release to give you what you want. Grasping your head he sank you down on his cock before fucking you at his own pace. While you were caught off guard that didn't stop you from moaning out in pleasure at the idea of being used for his own desires. Pumping your fingers into yourself faster than you ever have before. Finally, he slammed your head down and released deep into your throat causing you to gag quite a bit. Coming down from his high he peeled you off of him and reached over for a tissue while sturring out apology after apology. "I am so sorry I should have warned you, are you ok?" he asked in such haste, worried that he had screwed everything up before anything real has even started. He reached down to clean you off but was caught off guard by the blissed-out look on your face. Eyes pleading for him to do something about the state you were in In a split second, he lifted you up onto the counter and dived under your skirt to reveal a mess, a mess that he had caused and that he was more than willing to clean up. He wasted no time before plunging in and licking a long stripe on your pussy. Your head leaned back as your eyes rolled back from a pleasure that you never thought you'd have a chance to experience. You made no effort to hide your sinful noises as he continued to lap at your cunt as if he hasn't eaten in months. "Keishin!" you screamed, hand finding its way to his hair as you pulled on it to keep you grounded. This spurred him on to go faster. He decided to take it up a notch and add his fingers to the mix while focusing on your throbbing clit that's just begging to be used and abused till he is satisfied. Soon after you wrapped your legs around him and brought him as close as possible before screaming out in ecstasy "Please let me cum, please please please" you begged before him, sweat glistening your skin as you focused all your attention on the overwhelming pleasure he was so graciously bestowing upon you. For a quick second, he thought about stopping everything and leaving you there on the counter unsatisfied and begging for him just for the satisfaction of knowing he was the only one that could bring you to the edge. That was a thought for next time however, for now, he is focused on bringing you the exact same high that you gave to him. Not a second later you were screaming out his name as if it were a prayer as it was the only thing you could remember. White filling your sight as you reluctantly came down from quite possibly the greatest pleasure you've had in your life. Ukai helped you through it, drinking every last drop of what you had to offer before going in for more. You pushed him away at the overstimulation and sat up. He finally reappeared from between your thighs, being greeted with the second-best sight he's ever seen. Leaning over you reached for a tissue and began wiping at his face as he had down for you, looking into each other's eyes with a bashful grin on your faces. He helped you down as you regain your composure and fix yourself up to make yourself look somewhat presentable to the world. Collecting your things in silence you go to grab your drink and head to the door, Ukai's eyes never leaving your figure as he tried to think of something to say.

One hand rested on the door, soda in the other ready to leave and think about this moment for the next 50 years. You stop to look over your shoulder, eyes meeting his as a playful smile rested on your face. "I hope that covered the cost," you say, your voice holding a light tone yet you both know the weight it held. Sending one last wink his way you exited the store leaving him pinching himself to see if that actually happened. The next day you came back, both of you acting as if nothing happened. You barely acted any different in your interactions with him that for a second he thought that that was a one-time thing. Grabbing your drink you make your way up to the counter. Ukai is ready to make no mention of yesterday even though his heart is heavy and yearning for more. Eyes looking everywhere but you as he tried to calm down. "That'll be 1.25," he said, trying to act normal yet his tone held a sadness to it that was too obvious for his own good. Waiting for you to pay and leave just as you used to yet that never came. all of a sudden he heard an exaggerated sigh and lifted his head only to be greeted by your sultry gaze and playful grin "Omg, you are not gonna believe this but I forgot my wallet," you said, voice laced with a flirty nature that was never there before. Finally, Ukai relaxed and looked you in the eyes for the first time today. A smirk settled on his face as his eyes landed onto your lips, bearing that damn cherry gloss he can never get enough of. "Well I think I know how to fix this" Who woulda thought that porn could help you land the man of your dreams?

THANKS FOR READING!! I hope this was good and please leave a like if you like it and if you chose to follow me please let it be known I'm not a writer so I'm not gonna be active at as much I'm sorry HAVE A GREAT DAY I LOVE YOU ALL

[youssefguedira]

diabolik brain worms inspired whatever this is enjoy

there is now more to this au!

[you are here (prologue)] [part one] [part two] [part three]

The window slides open with a creak, and Joe smiles without turning around. “We have a door, you know,” he says over his shoulder.

“Just keeping you on your toes,” Nicky responds. “I could've been anyone. You're getting careless, amore.” He closes the window behind him.

It's not true, and they both know it: there's a knife in his hand that he's using to cut vegetables for dinner and two more hidden in the kitchen, within easy reach, that Joe could have used if he thought Nicky was a threat. In the earliest days of their acquaintance, he would have. But he trusts Nicky now, and besides, Joe was expecting him.

Joe still doesn't turn around, but he hears Nicky pull off his mask with his usual muttered complaints about how uncomfortable it is and laughs.

“It's less funny when you're the one who has to wear it,” Nicky grumbles, but he's not really annoyed. Joe can hear him smiling.

Joe's missed him.

With the mask off and tossed idly onto the kitchen table - Joe will complain later about Nicky not bothering to hide it well enough, but right now he's still too happy that Nicky's home to be bothered - Nicky crosses the room to stand behind Joe, wrapping his arms around Joe's waist from behind, his hand flat against Joe's stomach, nuzzling into Joe's neck. “Hi,” he murmurs.

Joe leans back into the familiar warmth, setting down his knife and closing his eyes. Nicky always gets like this after a job, especially one that requires them to be apart for a while - it's been six days since they saw each other last to go over the plan one last time, and then parted ways to maintain their cover, and Joe's missed him like a lost limb. So he's not complaining. “Hi. How'd it go?”

“Perfectly.” He feels Nicky smile against his neck as he sways them both back and forth. “They didn't suspect a thing, and you were right about the security system. You're a genius, my heart.”

Joe's smile widens. “You're beginning to make me wonder how you ever got by without me.”

“I managed not to get caught.”

“Not true,” Joe says. "Remember Milan?”

“I thought we agreed not to mention that,” Nicky says.

Joe laughs at him, but lets it go. Truth be told, he doesn't like to think about Milan much, doesn't want to think about how close he'd come to losing Nicky for good.

He turns in Nicky's arms instead of continuing with that train of thought, looping his own around Nicky's neck. Nicky smiles at him, soft.

“Do you have it with you?”

Nicky shakes his head. “I met with Andy before coming here. She'll drop the information off with Copley, Quynh will sell everything else. Booker's already working on making sure we didn't leave any traces behind. But I did bring you something.” He slides a silver ring off of his finger and holds it out between them.

Joe takes it and holds it up to the light, tilting it back and forth, studying the delicate geometric engravings on its surface, before slipping it onto his own finger. “It's beautiful, Nico. Thank you.”

Nicky smiles again. “I missed you.”

Joe (finally, he's been wanting to since he heard Nicky open the window, or scratch that, since Nicky left for Rome) kisses him.

They've come so far to be here, now, and Joe wouldn't trade any of it for the world. The close calls, the constant moving around, the time Nicky almost died in Milan - Joe thinks they were all worth it for this, for the way Nicky's hand skims over his back and comes to rest between his shoulder blades, pressing them closer.

“I talked to Andy,” Nicky says when they part. “She and Quynh will take the next job, so all we’ll need to do is be backup. And even then, that won’t be for a few months. But it’s just you and me until then.”

“Malta?” Joe asks. That carries much better memories for both of them.

Nicky grins. “Exactly what I was thinking.”

Joe leans in to kiss him again. And tomorrow they’ll need to face reality - they’ll need to leave this apartment soon, probably won’t be able to come back to Italy for a while, just to be safe, and maybe they’ll start taking jobs in a few other countries, because Copley will be able to find them something no matter where they go, but it’ll take time to get their affairs in order and the money from this job sent off to people who need it, and they’ll need to get to work soon, because law enforcement will be looking out for them and they’ll need to be careful - but for now, Joe doesn’t think about any of it. Just pulls Nicky closer.