anhourofsleep

[anhourofsleep]

Let the Lion rule or have the Dragon take over

[anhourofsleep]

Favorite Umbrella

I didn’t expect the rain.

All day, the sun was shining its blistering rays. When I left the house, I could feel the heat prickling on my skin, determined to persuade me to just stay inside.

It was Sunday. I can’t stay inside.

So when I went home at 9 PM, grateful for the ride home from my friends, the sudden, strong downpour was not something I wished for. Obviously, this will make it harder for me to go home. But I didn’t want this because I know, deep in the crevices of my short-circuiting brain that I did not bring an umbrella.

The rain was sudden. And it was strong. When it was at the crescendo of its power, I panicked. The sidewalk was clean of waiting sheds (screw poor urban planning, amirite?). I kept moving forward, hoping to find something. Anything, at this point. Because I knew if I don’t, I’ll get soaked and I’ll be miserable.

Shortly after I bet my whole life on just moving ahead and hoping for the best, I found myself in front of a car dealership, with a single, pop-up canopy still up. I hurried along and got under it just in time for the rain to drop like a hot new BINI single (I am not good with analogies).

Fall like rain indeed. With me safe under this tent, I watched as the rain became torrent, generously sharing its water as if everyone in this part of the city has had none for the past few years. It looked like it wasn’t stopping any time soon. I accepted that this was going to take a while, so I paced back and forth under the shade, getting weary as each second went by.

So I just decided to pray. Might as well do something. My bluetooth headphones are dead and I can’t lay down to nap (obviously).

I started reflecting on what’s been happening so far. I feel like I’m at a major fork in the road. I have gone through some, but this feels different. This feels like the moment. Like in the movies where the hero has to choose; the world or his loved one? Do or die, my good sir.

At this fork, my battle within myself rages on. The choice to be happy is hard when melancholy is so comfortable. They say change is the only constant thing in the world. And I’m constantly ignoring its calls.

I’m used to doing things on my own. I don’t care how anyone does it. And it worked for me. Right...?

“Nope. It did not.” I said out loud.

It’s fine. There are no people around and if there were, the rain would be loud enough to mask my voice.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? It did not work out for me. I am a mess. I am broken. When I feel like everyone around me is having the time of their life, I am in my own world where the only one speaking is that gloomy blue star in the Mario Movie, going “Everything’s over now and all that’s left is you in an infinite void” over and over again.

And it all happened in an instant. It’s like this sudden downpour, where I am left to just move forward, regardless if I find shelter or not.

I looked for it in a lot of things. Most of it is in the company of people who want me to drink my troubles away. That worked for them, they said. But it’ll be like if I try and ask someone to walk with me in this rain and both of us have no raincoats or umbrellas. I’ll be glad of the company, but we’re both soaked, right?

For a time, I was content in doing this. It’s the familiar. It’s something that made me comfortable because it was my constant. I don’t want to look for a new life. This is it for me. Why should I strive for something better? But I felt it. I felt it in my heart that I have to move forward. Even if I can’t see how I’m going to be okay.

When I was slipping over and over again that made me look like I was just lying down, God held out His hand through the people in this community. When I accepted that this is the peak for me, He told me no and sent out people to help me up.

He doesn’t want me down there. He wants me up because I have a job to finish.

However, He also knows I can’t brave the storm yet. So He guided me to a canopy where I should just sit back and revel in the isolation because He knows I’ll get to know Him more here. He removed me from the world because I’ve been trying too hard to go through it on my own. He provided me shade because He knows that I have yet to acquire my umbrella.

Through the raging torrent, I found shelter. A shelter that I can stay in to wait out the storm and with people who are waiting with me. People isolated from the cruelty of the world, finding solace in God’s protection.

When the rain stops, I’ll be more careful to bring my umbrella next time. If the storm comes again, I’ll use it and maybe help out someone who got caught in the rain and lead them to their canopy. The same way that the people in mine did for me.

For now, let the storm prove its point. I will be waiting here, safe in the shade.

Isaiah 4:5-6