#its so hard not being on work mode and being vulnerable with students

[blossomaes]

im so exausted today… i was so stressed and triggered at work today i got home and slept for like 3 hours and i still feel tired

[imagineyourself]

Teacher’s Pet- A Spencer Reid Imagine

Spencer Reid x fem! psych major! reader 

A/n: Hi guys, I’ve watched 9 seasons of criminal minds in 2 weeks, so expect a lot of criminal minds stuff coming! Also, kind of want to write a part 2 to this so lmk if you would like that! 

Gif is not mine creds to @toyboxboy​

Warnings: violence, swearing, mentions of blood and knives

Word count: 2.6k

“The unsub is likely in a position of power, well respected, maybe even admired. He works with young people, probably a teacher or professor. We need to find him, and fast before he kills another young girl.” Rossi spoke to the room of officers. The room disperses to begin searching for the killer, 4 girls are already dead. 

“Rossi, I think I found the connection between the girls.” Dr. Spencer Reid turning away from the board with the bodies taped to it and a file in his hand. “They all shared a professor.”

“They all went to different schools, different majors.” Morgan interjects.

“He is a professor at multiple universities, and they’ve all taken a psych class at some point, mostly introductory level. He must have connected with them during that time.” Reid continues.

“Who is it, dammit, Reid?” Hotch said.

“A Professor Deslaurier, professor of psychology, which explains why he was hard to find. He’s one of us. But better than that, I think I know who his next target is.” 

*campus cafe around the same time* 

“I’m not saying that I’m ready to start dating again, but I would love to see what that barista’s got going on.” My best friend said grabbing her coffee from the counter, winking at the barista drying mugs. 

“Oh my god, keep it in your pants, you and Garrett just broke up. Like 2 days ago. You were devastated, remember?” I remind her, gently shoving her with my elbow as we sat at a table by the window.

“His name was Garrett so clearly he isn’t that hard to get over. But anyway what’s up with you relationship wise, any new people?” She presses her lips to her coffee cup, as I pull out my laptop from my bag.

“You and I both know nothing is happening in that department. School and work is taking up all my time, and I can’t help but ruin dates with my charming personality.” I pull up my latest essay for my criminal psychology class, only 5 words on the page: my name, the date, and the class.

“Stop going all psych major on people when you’re on a first date or you’ll be alone forever.” She rolls her eyes at me as she glances out the window. Her eyes squinting in concentration, so I follow her gaze seeing a group of people in FBI uniforms talking to campus security. 

“What the hell?” I say watching one of them glance around and look at the campus cafe and nod his head in its direction. The agent made his way over to the shop and steps in looking around, scanning like he was looking for someone. Then his eyes land on me. 

He rushes over to the table, but his face and voice remain calm despite the urgency in his walk. “Are you Y/F/N Y/L/N?” 

“Yes, I am. What’s going on?” I look between the man and Y/B/F/N.

“I’m Dr. Spencer Reid, FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, and I’m going to need you to come with me.” He flashes his badge as fear washes over my face. “You’re not in trouble, don’t worry.” He smiles as I pack up my stuff, my essay still not begun. 

I say goodbye to my friend, and leave with the mysterious Doctor. “So what’s going on and why do you need me? Or better yet where are we going?”

“Good question, do you have an apartment or dorm of some sort where we can go for a while?”

“Yea I have an off campus apartment just up the road. We can spend some time there, but why? Am I like in danger or something?” 

“We have reason to believe you’re the killers next target.” He keeps me close as I guide him to my apartment. These are not the circumstances with which I would prefer to have this beautiful doctor be coming with me to my apartment, but it just be like that sometimes. 

“Who would want to kill me? Why?” I ask as I approach my apartment door, unlocking it to allow us inside. “And what am I supposed to do to stop it?” 

“That’s why I’m here, to protect you in case he comes to harm you, and it’s Professor Deslaurier who is attacking his brightest female students.” 

“Hank wouldn’t do that. He was so kind,” I pause thinking about everything I’ve learned in my classes, “and I’m an idiot. He was manipulating me so I would trust him. He knew I was vulnerable and exploited that, and he’s a textbook narcissist.” 

“Psych major?” Spencer asks as I sit on my couch with my head in my hands, wrapping my head around the fact that my favourite professor wants to kill me. 

“Yeah, so I should have seen the signs. But I guess being a target is what happens when you’re stupid enough to trust the first teacher who approaches you.” I start crying, this sucks. The doctor, Spencer I think he said his name is, hands me a tissue. I take it graciously, a small smile creeps onto my lips at the gesture.

“It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known he was a crazy serial killer. You were just being a good student, but you said that he approached you?” He sits next to me on the couch letting me lean on him slightly.

“Yeah, he came up to me after a lecture, raving about one of my essays and how my perspective was fascinating and came from a personal place. He basically decoded me from an essay. Where is he now?” I pull myself together enough to sit up, seeing the tear stains on his sweater. “ I’m sorry about your sweater.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he smiles and looks down at the stains I left. “We are trying to locate him now and put him away so he can’t hurt you or anyone else.” 

“So what am I supposed to do until he’s caught?”

“Do you have anything here to work on? Homework or test to prepare for? I’m a great study buddy if you need help.”  He smiles as if he’s not here to protect me from my crazy killer professor.

“Actually I do have a criminal psychology essay due in like 10 hours.” 

“10 hours?! Why have you been putting it off? Unless the topic is something uncomfortable to think about?” 

“You said your name was Spencer, right? Is it okay if I call you that?” He nods, still waiting for me to answer the question. “Well, Spencer, the essay is about what would make us snap, or our stressor as you guys call it, and kill people. Like searching through our traumas to see what would be the last straw. It’s not exactly a pleasant thought.” 

Spencer looks into my eyes, deep like he’s reaching for my soul. He’s trying to profile me, but making it look a lot harder than it is. “You’ve been through a lot before: tough childhood, bad relationships, things like that,” I nod my head averting my eyes “But none of those things means you’re going to become a killer. Stressors only work if you let them, and I’ve had years of profiling experience and from the short time I’ve known you I can safely say you are incapable of killing someone.” 

“How are you so sure? You barely know me?” I look up from my hands and gaze into his eyes, they are the warmest honey brown color. 

“You and I both know you can learn a lot about someone without having to know them for a significant amount of time. I am highly skilled in the area of subtle detections and putting together clues to build personalities from fragments.”

“Yeah, I’m aware. I can’t hide anything from you because you already know it, so you are already well aware that I am incredibly attracted to you. I may not be an FBI profiler, but I can tell you like me too.” I put my hands over his, seeing his cheeks flare pink at the gesture. I lean closer to him, feeling his breath on my face.

Until he suddenly pulls back, but it was forceful. He didn’t want to, but he had to. I was about to apologize for how inappropriate it was, he’s just doing his job, but he starts before I can talk.

“Your essay is due in 10 hours, more accurately 9 hours 47 minutes and 22 seconds, and you haven’t started. Work on your essay, it’ll distract you from the current situation.” He stands and paces the room as if trying to come up with the best solution to a problem. I just couldn’t tell if the problem was me or the case. 

I was going to argue with him, but I sighed knowing he’s right. I need to write my essay so I don’t fail my class. The screen burns my eyes as I stare at the practically blank screen. The sound of my fingers running across the keyboard fills my small apartment as I figure out my story. I stop for a moment after several minutes of furious typing and look up.

“What are some typical stressors of serial killers?” I ask Spencer giving him the opportunity to use his genius brain to help me. 

After 4 tortuous hours of writing and editing done by Dr. Reid, I hit submit on my essay. I high five the young doctor in celebration, but he catches my  hand and intertwines his fingers with mine instead. The air catches in my throat, I’m speechless. Now it’s my turn to blush at a small gesture. He holds me for a moment, gazes locked on each other. I lean up to meet his lips, but a knock at my door disturbs the quiet of the room. Reid puts a finger to his lips signalling for silence. 

“Y/N open up. I know you’re home.” A voice calls from the hall.

“Hank.” I whisper, frightfully looking at Spencer pleading for some direction in the situation. How am I supposed to know what to do when my crazy professor shows up at my apartment to kill me? He nods his head toward the door as he creeps in its direction silently, gun in hand. He looks hot when he’s in agent mode. Wait, not the biggest issue right now, focus Y/N. I stand behind the door, looking over at him and he nods. I open the door slightly. “Hey Professor Deslaurier, what’s up?” He looks distressed and frazzled, but I would too if the fucking FBI was trying to find me for being a serial killer. 

“I’ve been looking for you.” 

“Uhhhh, I’ve been working on a paper. Do you need something?” I stand close to the door, practically hugging it as if my life depended on it. Reid’s presence behind the door went undetected by my professor since he stepped closer to the door. 

“The paper must be amazing, you were always an amazing writer. May I come in?” He wasn’t really asking, his foot in the doorframe. 

“I would rather not, I’m very busy. Deadlines and all.” I push the door closed, but before I could he shoves his way in. I walk backwards into the open space, consciously making an effort not to let Deslaurier know Reid is there by looking at him, which became incredibly difficult as he came closer to me pushing my back into a wall. 

“You were always so intelligent and strong headed, but now, you’re just weak and pathetic. Aww look at the panic in your eyes. You can’t think your way out of this one.” He pulls a knife from his pocket and presses the flat side to my neck and I whimper. I squirmed in his grasp and in a moment of panic, I look at Reid. Deslaurier’s gaze follows mine and meets the agent standing in my apartment, gun cocked. Suddenly the cold, hard wall I was pressed against became warm and soft as my killer holds me against him like a shield, a knife to my throat. “Who is this son of a bitch?”

“I’m Dr. Reid with the FBI. Release her, put down the knife.” Spencer points his gun at the floor, knowing he would be unable to get a shot that wouldn’t hit me. 

“Oooh, a doctor she chooses smart guys to whore herself out to.” I squirm in his grasp. My neck burns as the sharp edge of the weapon presses into me. 

“I’m just here to protect her from you. You aren’t as clever as you think you are, you know? We caught you. You can’t hurt anybody anymore. Drop the knife and let her go. Now. I don’t want to hurt you, but I will. Let her go.”

“Spencer, please.” I whisper, tears streaming down my face. I’m probably going to die, I’ve accepted that. I just don’t want Spencer to see me go, I can tell this is killing him. Agent or no agent, this is an awful situation to be put in. 

“Does she mean something to you, Doctor? I wouldn’t get attached if I were you, she’ll just throw you away like she did to me. Best and brightest in my class, but just another stupid girl outside of it.” If looks could kill, Deslaurier would be dead under Reid’s gaze. His eyes soften when he looks at me, giving me hope. With a sudden rush of adrenaline, I swing my leg back into my capture’s knee, dislocating it in the process. The knife sliced through part of my neck, just barely missing vital veins. Spencer takes his shot as the professor falls to the ground, catching me in his strong arms as I fall forward. 

“Hey, hey, hey look at me. You’re going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine. We’re going to take you to the hospital and get you stitched up. Okay? Just keep looking at me.” He holds me as we sit on the floor. 

“Spencer…” I whisper and everything goes dark.

Beeping and whispers fill the room as I open my eyes. I’m sitting in a hospital bed, what happened? Why does my head hurt so much? 

“Hey take it easy. You’re in the hospital, you lost a lot of blood.” Spencer says, standing next to my bed taking my hand.

“What happened after I blacked out? How did we get here?” The beeping becomes incessant as my heart races.

“Relax, it’s okay,” He squeezes my hand and the beeping softens, “My team went to your apartment and took care of Deslaurier, I shot him in the shoulder after you kicked him, which good job by the way, even if it caused you to get hurt. You ended up getting a nasty cut on your neck, but it missed any critical veins.”

“Thanks.” I smile looking at our hands.

“You know you scared me half to death when you lost consciousness.”

“Well, sorry, I’ll try not to almost get murdered by a serial killer next time.” I smirk sarcastically as he laughs stroking my cheek. 

“Yeah, thanks.” 

“You know, we were in the middle of something before being rudely interrupted.” I look up at the gorgeous doctor who happened to save my life. 

“Oh yeah, where were we again?” He smirks, lowering himself closer to my level in the bed.

“Right about here.” I pull him close, kissing his pillow soft lips.

[writing-fool]

mlqc | special kind of sadness

I’ve been having strange dreams lately. Maybe it’s because of the quarantine, or maybe because of my messed up sleep schedule. I don’t actually have severe nightmares, but somehow an idea for Victor + nightmares came up. It was going to be very short, so I included other types of comforting scenarios. Ahh...besides that, you might have noticed my url is writing-fool, right? It’s actually based off of a Korean song called Swimming Fool. But I think it fits with MLQC too, what with Lucien calling us ‘his little fool’ sometimes~ What a happy coincidence...

Love,

R.

Warning(s): TW! Lucien’s scenario includes a panic attack. 

Victor

You’re all about showing the world that you’re a grown woman with big girl pants on. You’re especially keen on proving to Victor that you can handle yourself, thank you very much. Even though he’s supposed to be your soft, loving boyfriend, he seems to grow stricter the longer you’re together.

“Really? You’re not capable of being a producer if you can’t even get these reports done.” Ouch. Your life doesn’t seem to be getting easier anytime soon.

So...you chalk it up as a grave, grave moment of weakness when you instinctively call his number at three in the morning, after waking up in a cold sweat. By the second ring, you regret your rash decision. What if he’s asleep? What if he thinks I’m some kind of weak child?

By the third, he answers.

“What. Why are you still awake?” His voice sounds as strict as ever. ‘Why are you still awake?’ is a question you would’ve asked if you were in a clearer mindset. Alas, this situation allows little clarity.

You decide against hanging up. I’m bothering him already, might as well apologise. “I-I must’ve misdialled. Sorry to bother you,” you mumble. You hate how your hoarse voice and ragged breaths betray the sobs that have barely subsided.

“...I’m coming over,” is all Victor says before abruptly hanging up.

It’s a twenty minute drive from his luxurious penthouse to your apartment, but you know he’ll make it in fifteen. Running to the bathroom, you try to fix your appearance to make you look more like a successful producer, and less like a woman gone mad. But while your hair can be combed down and your tears can be wiped away, nothing works against your bloodshot eyes, shaking hands and pale complexion.

The doorbell rings, and you’re in full panic mode. You really don’t want him to see you like this. But without him, you’re probably not sleeping tonight. Also, he’s here already. Wiping your sweaty palms on your pyjama pants one last time, you open the front door.

Even when he has his sleeves rolled up, shirt partly unbuttoned and hair mussed from running his hands through it, Victor is handsome. But today, you can’t bare to look at him. Your apartment floor suddenly seems incredibly interesting.

A small gesture encourages his entrance. The door is barely closed again, and he’s already got his arms wrapped around you, your face pressed against his chest. The warmth of his hug and his rapidly beating heart open the floodgates again, and while your boyfriend strokes your hair, you sob your fears out on his black dress shirt.

Later, when you’re both huddled in your queen-sized bed, he asks you why you didn’t tell him about the nightmare right away. “I thought you’d think I’m pathetic or something. You’re always so strict.” You look up at him, mouth formed into a small pout.

For a moment, he’s dumbfounded. Maybe he never considered the idea? Victor hesitates, before pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. “I’m sorry,” he sighs, “I’ll be more considerate from now on.”

And as Victor rubs your shoulder, legs intertwined with yours, you doze off under the cloudy night sky. But not before hearing his sweet whispers. “Lean on me more, next time. I’ll always be by your side.”

Lucien (TW: panic attack, minor mentions of death)

Disclaimer: I know this could be taken wrongly. I have no intention to romanticise mental illness. It isn’t something that makes you broken, nor is it a ‘fun’ or ‘special’ thing. The story is partially taken from my experience, so I know how this feels. I wrote this as a way to bring awareness in a light manner, and to show that sometimes, panic attacks can be alleviated with someone around. I hope it brings comfort to those who wish they had someone in moments like these.

Listening to Lucien’s lectures tends to transport you back to the time when you were still a university student. Ah, it is a nostalgic feeling. A part of you misses being in school; going out with friends, listening to the teachers drone on about various subjects, eating in the school’s cafeteria.

But if there’s one thing you don’t miss, it’s the immeasurable amounts of stress. So why is that the thing I’m reliving right now?

As a young adult, you struggled with anxiety and spontaneous panic attacks, rendering you vulnerable to a work overload. You’d think it’d gotten better, especially since you have to deal with a lot of projects as a head producer nowadays. However, it seems as though old habits do die hard...This week has been particularly taxing—emotionally, what with your father’s death anniversary, and mentally; an important and popular show just got compromised by one of the actors’ companies. All that, and the prospect of an even tighter schedule during Christmas season has sent you into a full-blown panic attack. 

Your initial plan was to just...ride this one out. That’s what you always did as a child. In an hour or two, your hands will stop cramping, your tears will stop falling, your breathing will return to normal, right? But it seems fate, and Lucien, disagree. I forgot I gave him the key to my apartment.

Lucien senses something is wrong when you don’t come out to greet him by the door. 

“My love? Are you alright?” he yells out. Hearing little besides your irregular breathing, he kicks his shoes off, speeding towards the living area. You’re sat on the white sofa, knees to your chest, shoulders heaving and thick tears streaming down your face. 

Lucien’s brows furrow in deep concern as he kneels down by your form. Even though he’s right in front of you, your eyes do not meet his. You’ve gone too deep in your own shell to even be able to acknowledge his presence. A tentative hand removes one of yours from its tight grasp on your other arm, and Lucien lets out a sigh of relief as he feels your hand clutch his. He takes it as a sign to lift you fully into his arms, and takes a seat on the sofa.

“Breathe. In,” he mimicks a deep inhale, “and out.” Lucien blows out, repeating the motion a couple more times. He rubs your back and your hands, constantly alternating between helping you breathe and gently uttering soothing phrases. 

“Easy, I’m here with you. Do you feel my heartbeat?” When your hands have finally relaxed out of their cramped up form, he presses one of them against his chest. The slow, rhythmic thumping grounds you. Lucien. A stiff nod from you makes a soft, wry smile appear on his face. “Good girl. You’re getting there, my dear. Just stay with me, here. You’re doing great.”

You don’t know how much longer you stay like that. All you know is that he stays with you through the entire attack. Hours later, you two are having a steaming cup of tea at the dinner table. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that. I didn’t want you to worry,” you mutter sheepishly.

“Don’t be ashamed of yourself,” Lucien’s violet eyes bore deep into yours, “Besides, how could I not worry when someone so dear is having a hard time?”

You shrug, a defeated look on your face. Your fingers fidget with the wood of the dinner table, until Lucien swiftly takes your hand in his again. 

He sighs. “Take tomorrow off. I’ll take care of you.” Even though his tone is soft, Lucien leaves no space for argument. You know you should agree. There’s no way you could function properly if you were to go to work tomorrow.

“...Thank you.”

Lucien brings your hand to his lips, leaving feather-light kisses on your knuckles. “No thanks needed. You can be greedier with me.”

Gavin

There’s perhaps no person in the world who enjoys rejection. Sure, there may be those who bounce back quickly, those who see rejection as a new opportunity. But rejection, failure in itself, doesn’t evoke positive feelings. 

As the producer of Miracle Finder, you’ve gotten used to rejection; it was hard to get the show back on track during the first year or so. Maybe you were arrogant, thinking it’d get better, or less painful, the more often you got rejected. 

Things did get better, and last week you were even offered a deal with Loveland TV for a second weekly show. The company had seen the success Miracle Finder had, and had offered you the chance to come up with something wholly original. Something...you. That night, a mere week ago, you took the girls out for dinner and drinks. You were on cloud nine that day. In hindsight, maybe it was karma. Maybe I jinxed it. Cheered too soon, and all that. 

This morning, you got a devastating e-mail that stated, in polite (but somehow still rude) terms, that your new show would not be broadcasted. The relaxed mood at the office rapidly turned somber once you mentioned the unfortunate decision. Your employees decided to give you some space afterwards. Not being able to stand the sadness, and feeling somewhat bad for them, you sent everyone, yes, including Anna, home early.

By three p.m., you’re the only one left at the office. You sit at your desk, head in your hands. I know it isn’t the end of the world...but right now, it almost feels like it is. With a deep sigh, you push yourself up, heading to the small kitchen to make yourself a cup of tea. Maybe you’ll have a biscuit too. Anything to cheer yourself up. 

Your mind automatically goes to Gavin, and without thinking it over too much, you dial his number. After a couple of rings, your call goes to voicemail. Stupid. He’s probably working. I’ll just leave a message.

“Hey babe, it’s me. I-uh, the thing I mentioned last week? The new show deal with Loveland TV? Yeah, that’s not happening,” your voice cracks halfway through the last sentence as you try to push down the disappointment that bleeds through, “I’m staying late today. Need some time to-to process things. I’ll be fine. Love you, hope you’re safe.” 

Time passes agonisingly slowly, so slowly you might as well think Victor’s behind it, while you dive into a mountain of work. It distracts you from today’s events. but the lingering sadness is still present in the back of your mind. 

Around eight, you start cleaning up your desk, shutting down your computer and gathering the papers. A knock on the window catches your attention as you’re about to head out. You turn around, noticing a tall figure on the balcony outside. Gavin! You hastily run back, opening the sliding door for Gavin to enter.

“Hi,” That’s the most awkward thing you could say. “I didn’t know you would come. Did you hear my message? You really didn’t have to...” you trail off when Gavin wordlessly opens his arms to you. His golden eyes look anywhere but you, and a slight blush is visible in the dark room, only illuminated by the bright lights outside. 

You gingerly step into his arms at first, clutching the back of his signature denim jacket tighter as time goes on. A couple of stray tears that you’re not able to hold back create wet splotches on his shirt. “I’m sorry,” you mumble, your voice muffled by the soft fabric.

“No biggie. Are you feeling alright?” he asks you. A non-committal shrug is all you respond with. “I know it was a big project for you.”

“Yeah, I don’t really know what to do now.” 

Gavin bends down a little, kissing the crown of your head. “You move on, and you don’t give up.”

You fall into comfortable silence. Gavin’s thumb rubs up and down your waist, soothing you. “...Have you ever been rejected?” you suddenly ask him.

Gavin chuckles. “Sure I have. I got rejected by my very first love.”

You raise your head to look up at him. Gavin sees his own reflection in your large, teary eyes, and smiles. “And what happened then?” you ask, your voice lightly tinged with jealousy. Who was his first love?

“Well, she’s in my arms now, isn’t she?” Even though he’s embarrassed to say the words, Gavin forces himself to look at you. At those eyes that shine with love for the world, for him. 

Bonus:

“Come on, I’ll take you home.” you pull out of the embrace to get your coat by the coat hanger, opening the door to head out again, like a normal person.

“How? You didn’t come here by bike, did you?”

Gavin’s already facing the window again, but he turns back with a smirk, holding his hand out to you. “I never said we were going by bike.”

“Gavin, no, babe, no, no, nonononononono—Aah!!” Your protests are cut short as Gavin swoops you into his arms bridal style and flies off. The wind rushes past your ears, almost making you miss Gavin’s gleeful laugh. “Gavin! I didn’t lock the doors!”

Kiro

On many occasions, you’re envious of Kiro’s Evol. But even without his Evol, Kiro is so bubbly and kind, you can’t help but like him. You sincerely wish you had that ability. And I know I’m supposed to make my own wishes come true, but I can only do so much to make people like me. I’m not going to bend over backwards and become a pushover just to be liked.

Still, it hurts when people are purposely mean to you. Especially during high school reunions. You were by no means a popular kid growing up...but you didn’t think that some people would still be stuck in a high school mentality. You held your own during the reunion, ignoring the backhanded compliments and blatantly condescending insults in favour of catching up with your old friends. Yet, all you can think of on the drive home are the negative comments.

“Oh, you still can’t drink alcohol? Seems like ‘someone’ hasn’t grown up yet!”

“You’re the producer of Miracle Finder? I hate that show, it’s so unrealistic.”

“Isn’t that a kids’ show?”

“My, you look adorable! My daughter also likes to wear those types of clothes, you know, to go play at the park.”

I can’t believe I missed game night with Kiro for this. With a terrible mood, you shuffle into the house. Kiro’s on the sofa playing A Chinese Ghost Story, a bag of chips on the coffee table in front of him. He turns to greet you with a smile, but it quickly falls after seeing your somber expression. 

“Welcome home Miss Ch—eh? What’s wrong?” Kiro takes his headphones off to stand up in front of you. His hands instinctively move to your waist to pull you close.

“How was the gathering?” he asks carefully. His eyes are big, just like a puppy’s. Had you felt better, you would’ve commented on his cute appearance. 

It’s as if that question flips a switch. “It was horrible!” you sniffle.

“Wha—Miss Chips!” Kiro grows panicked at your sniffles and sobs, and roughly pulls you to his chest. You retaliate by hugging him tightly, crying all your frustrations out on his shoulder.

Somehow, you move into a cuddling position on the living room sofa. You straddle his slender legs and his arms are wrapped around your torso, rubbing comforting circles on your back. Pulling away from his embrace, you start ranting about the terrible evening.

“...and I don’t even know why I’m this upset! It’s so frustrating. I’ve worked so hard to become who I am today, and the moment someone says something to me, I just break down. Maybe I am a child,” you look up at Kiro, eyes wide and brimming with tears, “Kiro, am I a child to you?”

Kiro chuckles. “Well, Miss Chips...sometimes you can be childish,” you jut your lip out in a pout, “b-but I’m childish too! And there’s nothing wrong with that. Some people want to grow up too fast, so they drink alcohol and dress up in dark colours and stiff fabrics to feel properly imprisoned in the ‘harsh adult world’. But most of us could be happier if we just...let our inner child out.”

He cups your cheek. “Never be ashamed of being childish, Miss Chips. It doesn’t make you a child,” a mischievous grin appears on Kiro’s youthful face, “Besides, I wouldn’t do this if I thought of you as a child!” 

With the hand on your cheek, Kiro draws your face closer to his. Your lips meet in a swift kiss that takes you by surprise. He swallows the startled gasp that escapes your mouth, retaliating by slowly swiping his tongue across your bottom lip. You can feel him smile into the kiss as you lean into it, closing your eyes. Your tears are long forgotten as you tangle your hands in Kiro’s blond locks. Slowly, you part your lips, allowing Kiro’s tongue to slip into your mouth. The teasing flicks of his tongue make you go weak, and he chuckles when your grip on his hair loosens. 

Kiro notices you’re growing light-headed, so he gives you time to regain your breath while he peppers little kisses on the corners of your mouth and on your swollen lips. You kissing demon. 

His satisfied hum is disrupted by a vicious punch to the chest. “Ah! Miss Chips, why would you hit me?” It’s Kiro’s time to pout now.

“Who told you to do that?! You’re so sly, it’s unfair!” you scold him, cheeks flushed a bright red.

“Yes, yes,” he pets your head, “but it helped, right? You’re not upset anymore, right?”

Your face scrunches up. “I guess not...I’m still mad at you for surprising me like that,” Kiro giggles, “But thanks.” His smile is contagious, and soon you’re both in a giggling fit.

When the giggles have subsided, Kiro pushes you back into his chest. As he snuggles into your shoulder, he whispers in your ear. “Don’t worry. Every time you feel sad, I’ll be there to cheer you up.”

I’m not saying dark clothes are bad! I have a black wardrobe myself...but we all need to remember that we don’t need to be so hard on ourselves sometimes. 

For some reason I’ve never properly depicted kissing like that in my writing. Ehhh, forgive me if it’s bad. Little note...do you guys know what Chinese drama ‘A Chinese Ghost Story’ is featured in?

[starcrossed-pharaoh]

Red Crackle Breakdown

Itstalkcartoons recently had a live stream interview with Carmen Sandiego’s showrunner Duane Capizzi, I’ve seen some thoughts on tumblr so after watching the interview I thought I’d drop down some direct quotes and talk about what happened. You can find the interview on Istalkcartoon’s IG page, it’s about an hour and a half long full of other tidbits about the characters and the show so definitely check it out if you’re interested. The post below will have spoilers from season 1 - season 4 so if you haven’t seen it yet, do not read below. 

- Duane confirms that Gray is the most complex character and has the most complex arc of anyone in the show. 

- Gray’s story was meant to be wrapped up in the season 1 pilot. Duane created his story for that episode only. After the pilot, the Writer’s Room was developed and he was blown away by the interest that people had in Gray as a character. It was from there they decided to go with the ‘amnesia’ arc to expand and enrich his character. 

- Duane confirms that in the pilot episode, at that point in time, Gray “was willing to kill her [Carmen] for V.I.L.E on the train”. He says a little earlier to this quote that “we know Gray has good qualities, from his days back at the school protecting Black Sheep, but he’s still a criminal, still a sociopath” and he admits that this is a controversial opinion of the character. “He [Gray] says one of the most awful things to her, that anybody in the series has ever said, something like ‘You proved yourself to V.I.L.E, that’s all you ever wanted, wasn’t it?’ and it’s so demeaning.” By Carmen leaving him gift-wrapped in her coat on the train, Gray “got what he deserved” and Carmen “moved on”. 

So what we do know is that despite Gray and Black Sheep being very close on the island, when Black Sheep defected, no matter how hard Gray could have found this he was still grimly determined to kill Carmen for V.I.L.E. This is heart breaking, not only for their friendship, but because of the successful brainwashing and nurturing of sociopathic tendencies that V.I.L.E did to these barely legal adults. Carmen clearly proved herself unique to this, she had the longest exposure to villains and brainwashing on the island, but her innate empathy for others won over her drive for success. 

I suppose, we don’t know exactly what the lives of the other V.I.L.E members were like. We know from season 4 that Gray’s drive was to be successful, he was a junior technician at the Sydney Opera House and wanted more out of his life. But V.I.L.E is, essentially, a cult. V.I.L.E engages in mind altering practises, cull dissenters, dictate their students’ beliefs, education, social communities. They clearly target and prey on teenagers with specific skill sets, who likely have specific backgrounds that make them more vulnerable in society, or more likely to respond to a vigilante or criminal way of living. They clearly make sure that their students know V.I.L.E is their entire life, their entire community, and if you want that: you need to follow the rules. 

It’s not too surprising to me that Gray is like this in the pilot. He’s a complex character leaning into sociopathic tendencies, he was written to be that way. 

- Gray’s arc changes with his amnesia. Duane confirms Bellum created nice guy Graham Calloway onto Gray, it was a personality “grafted onto him” that opposes his personality in the pilot. Carmen protects Graham Calloway, she recognises that he isn’t the ‘V.I.L.E Gray’ and that he is innocent and has the potential for a do-over. This shows Carmen’s true selflessness, despite her ex-best friend trying to essentially kill her/take her down, she sees he doesn’t remember any of that and believes in his goodness. So much so that she protects it. It’s the opposite of where Gray was in the beginning.

- Tragically, when Gray gets his memories back, he does revert back to V.I.L.E. Duane does not confirm exactly why this is but he does say that Gray was never good enough for Carmen up until the finale. We can theorize and infer a lot from what he’s told us of Gray’s character, despite the good qualities he does have, he struggles with doing the right thing. How much of Gray is because of V.I.L.E’s cult-like brainwashing and how much of it is due to Gray’s own chaotic morality and ambition is up to interpretation. I’m of the belief it’s a strong mix of both. In saying that, I’d like to think Gray’s aware that if he defects with Carmen, he knows he’s as good as dead. Graham Calloway might have believed Professor Maelstrom would let him walk free, but Gray is not so naive. He made his choice a long time ago and taking Carmen’s hand is not just about caring about her, it’s choosing a side and who he wants to be. 

Just because Gray doesn’t join Carmen doesn’t mean his arc is entirely reverted though. In the pilot, he was willing to kill her. After knowing her through the eyes of Graham Calloway, and having the empathy and naivety and kindness of Graham Calloway literally injected into him, Gray truly feels regret and empathy. V.I.L.E unintentionally gave Gray a huge gift they likely never foresaw: a different perspective. He regrets ever hurting Carmen and never wants to do so again. That’s a huge step from where he was at the beginning, but is it enough to leave what he’s familiar and used to? 

There’s a lot to unpack there that I won’t go into because this is long enough. I think it’d be interesting to go more in depth about the psychology of cults and how future Gray and future Carmen would assimilate the personalities they were forced into. Do those personalities go away when the memories come back? Can the trauma of it cause black outs and more memory loss? What does it do to your mental health? Do you assimilate it into who you are? But I digress

- The most important part of Gray’s arc is in the finale. As Duane says, it’s Gray’s “coming of age, when he becomes a real person” and he does so by showing what Carmen stood for: true selflessness. There’s a bitter irony to Gray’s ambitions of success, his desire to work with Carmen as a team, pulling off successful and incredible heists ... all his dreams are coming true. But she takes more risks, he’s shocked by her ruthless and individualistic impulses, he knows it isn’t truly her, and whatever he could excuse before, he knows it’s wrong. He chose to be a criminal, Carmen didn’t. The final thing that gets through to him is what Gray knows she can never take back: killing Shadowsan. He defects and betrays, not for himself, not for success, not for anything except for her. He’ll risk getting killed, imprisoned, he’ll even betray this Carmen, out of a true selflessness for her to be herself again. He proves he has become a person good enough for Carmen Sandiego.

- I also absolutely love that at some point he changed his Crackle Rod to stun mode as a ‘maximum setting’. He didn’t plan for Carmen to be able to use it against him because he thought she couldn’t use it, so for awhile now he’s been ‘stunning’ people instead of killing them. Even though he returned to V.I.L.E, he came back as a changed person.

- His decision in the hospital room was also quite tragic, he didn’t want to complicate her life any further and Duane confirms he felt shame over his actions. That it was the right narrative at the time. I agree with this, though I’m a RedCrackle shipper at heart, the writer in me recognises the parallels of Carmen selflessly staying away from Gray to not ‘complicate’ his new beginning, and now Gray showing the same selflessness is a mirror to me that they’re on equal footing. (But also, please meet up again and talk to each other, because they’re the only ones who have gone through traumatic memory altering and personality grafting and there’s bound to be mental issues with that and they could help each other!)

And now, some talk by Duane on some RedCrackle hints:

- Carmen [on V.I.L.E island] was at an age where she probably didn’t know how to interpret her feelings for him, referencing when she called him a big brother to her. She tells Player she cares about him but doesn’t specifically reference that this is romantic or not

- 100% Graham was flirting with her in Australia

- They absolutely will meet up again in the future.

Anyway, I’ve seen some things circulating about the interview on Tumblr and I just wanted to provide some context and quotes from the interview. It was surprising to me that we were to read Gray as someone ruthless enough to kill Carmen in the pilot, because I didn’t interpret that exactly from my viewing, but I suppose that’s the great thing about art: it’s your interpretation. It also makes sense to me that Gray was written for the pilot and it was the Writer’s Room afterwards that took his character in new ways, just proof of organic storytelling. I also love that in the interview, he doesn’t specify any of the pairings as canon but if we saw things happen between characters or implied by a character, it was intentional, and I love that. 

Definitely check out the interview for yourselves on Itstalkcartoon’s IG, they had a lot more to talk about, particularly with the goodbye to Zack and Ivy and Carulia. 

Special thank you to Duane Capizzi, I doubt he’’ll ever read this, but thank you for your part in bringing this amazing show and its characters to a new narrative. It’s such a shame it only lasted for four seasons, hopefully in the future we get new stories to tell with these characters. As a complete side note, I am a New Zealander and it was so great to see NZ represented in media, even better that it was a Carmen and Gray episode :D To everyone else, thanks for reading this if you have gotten this far :) 

[shelovescontrol91]

Camila Cabello on how her movie Cinderella is a modern day story of female empowerment

Not waiting to be saved by a prince, Kay Cannon’s Cinderella is not your ordinary fairy-tale princess, but a feisty fashion entrepreneur. Cover stars Camila Cabello and Nicholas Galitzine open up about the classic story that’s been updated with new-age ambitions

BY UDITA JHUNJHUNWALA

Over the years, French author Charles Perrault’s 1697 folk tale Cinderella has been adapted countless times. It was a Disney animated musical (Cinderella, 1950), Cinderella was even a fella (Cinderfella, 1960), a high school student (A Cinderella Story, 2004) and a celebration of diversity with a non-white cast (Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella, 1997). In Ever After (1998), which featured historical characters from the 16th and 19th centuries, Anjelica Huston was the quintessential wicked stepmother, and Kenneth Branagh’s Cinderella (2015) adaptation featured Lily James as an empowered young Ella, the girl covered in cinder who loses her glass slipper at the ball and falls in love with a charming prince till they live happily ever after.

The latest adaptation, based on director Kay Cannon’s screenplay, sidesteps the clichés yet ticks the boxes of wicked stepmother and stepsisters, a charming prince (played by Nicholas Galitzine) and a lot of pop songs. However, in Cannon’s updated Cinderella, the fairy godparent is genderless (played by Billy Porter) and this Cinderella, played by singer-songwriter Camila Cabello in her movie debut, is no whimpering wallflower. She’s got dreams and ambition to become a fashion designer. Her happily ever after is not dependent on a handsome prince.

A new role model

When asked about how their version of the classic is different from previous versions, Cabello says via an email interview, “It’s a totally new telling of the story. I feel like other fairy tales have values that are old-fashioned and don’t reflect the independence and strength of women accurately. This version has definitely been updated for a 2021 audience and world. The spirit of the story is there, with the characters and some themes, but it feels much more current in its values.”

Featuring a CEO Cinderella, a diverse cast of townsfolk, a line-up of princesses from around the world (don’t miss the cameo by Japanese comedian Naomi Watanabe) and a fairy godparent whose costume merges masculine and feminine elements, here’s a classic tale upended to become a modern-day story of female empowerment. “The modern, fresh take on a well-trodden fairy tale allows us to discuss contemporary issues and themes and hopefully make this version more relatable to audiences. The modern songs are an amazing contrast to the period aesthetic that is represented in the costumes and setting. I also think the film brings more humour than we've seen in previous fairy tales, which is largely due to Kay Cannon and the array of comedic actors in our cast,” adds Galitzine.  

From the trailer, it appears that this version is far more empowering for Cinderella. “Definitely, and this version of Cinderella is way more relatable to young girls and women who might be able to see something from the character’s experience in their own life,” says Cabello, who describes her Ella as “empowered and ambitious, with dreams of her own. It’s a Cinderella in which she saves herself. She doesn’t aspire to be a wife or a part of the royal family, she’s too busy working on her fashion empire.”

So does that leave Galitzine’s prince simply holding a glittery glass slipper? When asked how Prince Robert is different, if at all, from the legacy character of the charming Prince, Galitzine explains, “It is often said that the prince’s role in these fairy tales is singular: to marry the princess. But while finding love is one aspect of Prince Robert’s story, his quest for freedom is more important. He’s a man who feels trapped by his circumstance, stifled by the responsibilities of the crown and the role he is expected to play. He’s figuring himself out for a lot of the movie, and Cinderella really aids in this. Bringing a level of humanity and vulnerability to him was so important in differentiating him from other princes. I also feel we tried to make him a little edgier than princes before him through the music and costumes.”

Costume drama

The fashion-obsessed will find it hard to separate Cannon’s 2021 Cinderella from the costumes, not just because fashion is Ella’s dream profession, but it’s also her mode of expression. Working with the costume department and taking on the part of an aspiring couturier were among the highlights of Cabello’s experience on this film. “I loved my work costumes! They were so comfortable but still had Ella’s swag to them. Ellen Mirojnick and her team were so passionate and full of joy for what they were doing. They were so in love with Ella and the values she represented. In a time where women’s self-expression is so limited, she uses fashion to express herself. Even when she’s dressing for work she has accessories in her hair and puts unique details in her corsets. I think it shows how much self-expression and authenticity are important to her. Obviously, the story has romantic themes and I think that shows in the costumes. They’re very romantic, magical costumes—but designed with Ella’s character in mind. As she makes her own clothes, there were considerations about how she might have made certain decisions or designed things in a certain way. She even makes her own ball gown.”

Costume designer Mirojnick, who brought alive the world of Bridgerton with her clothes, also had the edgy Porter to work with, and she took inspiration from the monarch butterfly to create the godparent’s (named Fab G), gown with wings and custom Jimmy Choo boots.

Cabello equally loved working with Porter and all that his character represents. “His version of the Fairy Godmother is genderless. After all, magic doesn’t have a gender. Fab G guides Cinderella and helps her dreams come true…but she gets there by staying true to herself along the way,” she explains.

Of all his co-actors, from Cabello to Minnie Driver and Pierce Brosnan, British actor Galitzine was most in awe of Brosnan. “Working with Pierce Brosnan and Minnie Driver was just a dream. A bit of a pinch-yourself moment. They are icons but are so down-to-earth and giving. I was just trying to soak up as much knowledge from them as possible. Minnie is so funny, and Pierce is my James Bond. I should have asked him for some tips if I ever throw my hat in the ring for a future Bond,” says the 26-year-old, perhaps not entirely in jest. On his co-star Cabello, he adds, “I feel so lucky that Camila and I clicked straight away. Even from the chemistry test. We have a similar sense of humour and a willingness to learn, which bonded us throughout the process. To me, Camila is an old soul and carries herself with such wisdom. I love working with actors like that.”

Modern day fairy tale

The lead actors, our digital cover stars for the month, agree that it’s time to update fairy tales and align them to a 21st century audience, where girls and boys of today feel seen in popular culture. Cabello says it is about time that “little girls can see themselves being represented in Aladdin or The Little Mermaid.” Galitzine adds, “The idea of the damsel in distress is fast becoming obsolete. I think young women want to see themselves, and indeed their hopes and dreams, represented in characters. This film does an incredible job in bringing diversity in its cast and crew, which I think is integral in the process of updating these fairy tales for a modern-day audience.”

So do either of them believe in ‘happily ever after’? Galitzine says he believes that relationships take work: “Nothing is ever perfect. You have to make compromises and sacrifices, and it won’t always be as glamorous as the fairy tales may suggest. But I do believe there is a person out there who will love you for all your imperfections and messiness. And those kinds of people will be with you for a very long time.”

Cabello, on the other hand, agrees with the film’s updated take that an individual’s happiness is not dependent on another. “I guess the idea of ‘happily ever after’ is part of the old ideals of fairy tales, where the princess is destined to be with a prince, and that’s where her happiness will come from. But I like to think we’re redefining that idea with this film, and that you can be happy in yourself and with your own ambition. That being said, I am a huge Disney fan, so I will always be happy that I got the chance to be in this movie.”

Cinderella will stream on Amazon Prime Video from September 3, 2021

[pleasefeedthebirds]

A Relatively Deep Dive Into My “Crème de la Crème” MCs - #1. Mavis Linnet

(From the astonishingly crisp interactive fiction by @hpowellsmith! ...It’s not weird to tag, right?)

Mavis “Miss Linnet” Mallee-Linnet

she/her/hers

Light brown complexion and loosely curled brown hair

Favors conventionally masculine fashion 

Accommodating

Manipulative

Traditional

Exceptional Poise

Noteworthy Wit and Intrigue

Commonplace Spirit

Unremarkable Flair

LOADS more info and spoiler content under the cut!

I envision Mavis as having grown up in a wealthy household, where she was still raised reasonably well about the importance of non-profligate spending. Her parents both taught at Olmstead’s Valley School, where she was in attendance for the bulk of her college-age years. Sailing was manageablely smooth. Mavis got along well in her studies, had time for both dressage and lacrosse, and—for her genuine interest in the subject matter—made it on the good side of many educators there (albeit not as often her fellow students, being for all the world their definition of a teacher’s pet!).

Her life took an abrupt shift in its trajectory when Mr. Mallee, her father, had a shameful affair come to light. Their rural community was small enough that such a thing made waves. Her other father, Mr. Linnet, sent Mavis off to Gallatin with the still-favorable Linnet name, and spent a pretty penny to do so. Primarily, he did this to save her from suffering by association, and was very vocal about these intentions. He’s definitely also relying on her to save their social standing, and despite the point being markedly unspoken, Mavis quietly understands.

So, Mavis feels an immense pressure to make the most of her time at Gallatin. She tries to conform unfalteringly to the school’s every long-winded social expectation, which exhausts her utterly. However, by her proficiency in book research, and her sincere knack for studying people, she has grown excellent at “playing the game” in high society. 

More than ever, Mavis is dedicated to her studies at Gallatin, even when the prescribed syllabus is less than stimulating. She keeps her head down so to never risk rocking the boat. This mode of being doesn’t make her happy per say, but the Gallatin atmosphere has her shoehorned into believing there’s no feasible alternative. She’s cognizant of surface level flaws in the system, but plays along because she thinks she has to. After all, it’s her way out of rural smallmindedness and into an academic world. That said, things certainly can change, particularly when one can’t help but notice atrocities being committed against literal children!

5’10”, with broad shoulders but slender hips. Her body makes an upside-down triangle shape.

Prone to acne, her skincare routines are extensive, and she’s usually up at the crack of dawn every day to get her proverbial ducks in a row.

Her hair is thinner than it looks, and she takes especial care when rationing it about her scalp. She feels vulnerable with it all the way down, so favors hair styles with low centers, such as looped pigtails, a nape bun, or double braids. Also labors to hide her considerable widow’s peak.

A heavy tea drinker. For all of her wits, she doesn’t realize that her mug o’ choice (earl grey) is highly caffeinated. She slugs the stuff down each day without ever realizing, because it “makes her feel better” about mornings.

Though it’s hardly polite, she LOVES gossip, and writes down every secret she hears as her guiltiest pleasure.

Miss Dalca and Mr. Griffith both make her uncomfortable—the former for her extreme progressiveness, and the latter for his gruff demeanor. Mr. Blanchard is her favorite teacher, and I bet she’s accidentally cried in his presence before. She’s scared of Lady Renaldt, and makes herself known to the headmaster only out of necessity.

Virtue: 91%

Popularity: 75%

Coursework Grade: A

Exam Mark: A+

Extracurricular(s): Birchmeier Society and the Gallatin Swans (goalkeeper)

*[Though not doable ingame, I like to think that she overloaded her schedule and dropped the Swans halfway through the semester. Mavis is never the type to drop anything, so having to take that step back was a double-edged blow to her confidence, in addition to being a sheer relief on her stress levels. Since the Birchmeier Society was where her heart truly lay, she managed to build herself back up there with Freddie’s support.]

Entanglements: Romantically engaged to Freddie.

Besties and then some with Freddie. They’re both hardworking scholars with each their own zest for learning, and by preparing for classes, exams, and Birchmeier Society biz in the same shared spaces, Mavis spent disproportionately more time with her than with anyone else. Freddie encouraged Mavis to be a bit less hard on herself, and was brave enough to stand up to her whenever Mavis’s fatigue was turning her curmudgeonly. Mavis helped get Freddie out of her own head on multiple occasions, taught her to break the most overwhelming situations down to deal with day-by-day, and bolstered her confidence anytime it faltered in the face of the Gallatin sphere. The engagement was Mavis’s idea, which she accidentally blurted out in a rare impulsive burst of feeling. After processing the implications, she was ashamed to have second thoughts upon remembering Freddie’s financial situation. It seemed for a while that the engagement was off, following a hard conversation that soured their relationship for awhile. I don’t think Freddie would easily bounce back after having her family standing scrutinized. However, the mine plot—when Mavis had to ultimately turn her back on everything she’d built at Gallatin—spurred character development enough that Freddie deemed her worthy of a second chance.

Friends with Gonzalez, who couldn’t help but respect that Mavis was competent in lacrosse, academically accomplished, and generally pretty nice to people. I don’t think she realizes that Mavis keeps a stiff mask. Mavis found Gonzalez refreshing, albeit off-puttingly honest, and couldn’t find a way to fault her spirited nature. I can’t imagine them engaging much off of the field (i.e. post Mavis quitting the team), but the two were mutually supportive in their interactions, even if Mavis was probably repressing some criticisms of Gonzalez’s fast and loose attitude all the while.

Friends with Max after he tutored her in flair, per Lady Renaldt’s instruction, via a sick dance sesh. I like to imagine him groaning about the task, assuming that Mavis would be a hopeless case, and then being pleasantly surprised at the fact that she can absolutely hit it (even just in the name of compliance with authority). He tried to make a move on her and was politely rejected. I think he supports the idea of her at a distance after recognizing that she’s not trying to breathe down anyone’s neck, and really is a kind, tired gal being squeezed dry by the system.

Friends with Hartmann, who was initially confused about which “side” Mavis was on in her prefectural feud with Max (Mavis shushed him at the opening commencement, which she liked, yet supported Max when he dipped out the common room window). They came to understand each other in the later game, bonding over how ill-affected they both are by the pressures of their respective positions. They don’t “hang out” much, but a couple of key deep conversations put each in the other’s good books.

Pleasant acquaintances with Karson. Mavis rarely went out of her way to talk to them, but whenever they crossed paths, she was good to Karson, and sympathized (albeit at a respectable distance) with their situation as a servant. When trouble in the mines was first coming to light, Mavis got sniffing, and sussed out enough clues that Karson eventually passed Blaise’s note on to her directly, trusting her moral compass enough to do so.

Unpleasant acquaintances with Delacroix. His unconventional take on life, passion for the intangible, and apathy towards collegiate procedure all make her uneasy. In his own right, Delacroix probably takes her for a stuffy, self-centered dud, which after all the times she’s reflexively shut his occult talk down, is pretty fair.

Acquaintances with Blaise. Mavis made nice in the early game because she had to, and was secretly relieved when she “resigned.” This was short lived, and turned into a misplaced sense of guilt after what actually happened to Blaise came to light. Mavis didn’t end up in the mines herself, but she did everything she could to help her, Miss Dalca, and eventually Gonzalez escape. When all was said and done, Blaise still made Mavis uncomfortable, and she let her be to get on with her life.

Approached Rosario at the punch table in an attempt to court the princess in the room… absolutely blew it. Ended up tripping over her own tongue when she realized that the heir is not so predictably wooed by traditional measures as originally anticipated. I like to think of that moment as a point of deeper connection for Mavis and Freddie, where both were totally overwhelmed by the noble sphere at Archambault and turned to each other for comfort. Otherwise, Rosario was a Rosari-no for Mavis.

Was weirded out by Auguste. Mavis fears any authority figures who don’t like her right away, and they’re too close to the ever-frigid Lady Renaldt for her comfort. She did totally trash them (benevolently) at dressage on sports day, though.

Gave Florin the widest possible berth. Mavis wanted nothing to do with that kind of scandal, but definitely found her shallowly cute. 

Some Choice Plot Pieces (cue spoilers):

Gathered evidence against Miss Dalca in compliance with Lady Renaldt.

Had an adequate working relationship with Miss Benton.

Gathered information for Annick against Lady Renaldt.

Endgame (cue SUPER spoilers):

Worked in secret against Lady Renaldt.

Sent Gonzalez to the mines, but most everyone got out (I believe Miss Dalca died?!).

Settled things quietly with Kathrili Burgin.

Went on to study at Gessner.

Joined Freddie for the summer.

[razieltwelve]

Simulator (The Vestige)

Akari settled into the simulator pod. There were advantages to being royalty and the daughter of two famous pilots. She’d grown up on stories of the Eidolon Program, and she’d known exactly what to expect when she’d signed up as a cadet. She’d already covered most of the material herself, and she was more than familiar with the engineering, software, and practical aspects of piloting. Had everything gone to plan, she would have graduated into piloting in near-record time. There was just one problem.

They hadn’t found her a co-pilot yet.

A low growl left her lips. It was beyond frustrating to do all of that hard work only to run into an obstacle that no level of talent and no amount of effort could overcome. Even with the advances in technology, the neural load was simply too much for a single pilot to bear. 

Without a co-pilot, she’d been left with no choice but to continue practicing and studying until someone could be found. On the upside, they’d given her unrestricted access to the simulator pods, so she could run as many practice missions as she wanted. Fighting fal’Cie in the simulator wasn’t the same as fighting them in real life, but it was as close as she was going to get for the foreseeable future, and it took some of the sting out of being unable to put her skills to use.

When her parents had found out, they’d offered her advice in their own unique ways. Her father, of course, has very sensibly advised her to bide her time, to continue working as hard as ever so that she would be ready when a co-pilot was finally found. Her mother, the Queen of Wutai, had been a little less circumspect.

“It sucks, kiddo, but you’re not the first pilot who has had to wait. Even the grand marshal was sidelined until her sister finally graduated. Just keeping working. You’ll get your shot at the fal’Cie soon enough.”

Yuffie Kisaragi was many things, but subtle was not one of them. But, as usual, her mother was right. Grand Marshal Farron had set records in basically every conceivable category of the training program, and most of them still stood years later. But even she had been forced to wait for a co-pilot. Akari, therefore, could do no less. If it was good enough for the grand marshal, it was good enough for her.

As the simulator pod whirred to life, Akari smiled. Here, at least, in the heat of battle, she could let go of her worries. The future would take care of itself. She just needed to be ready for when it did.

X    X     X

Averia ignored the stares from the cadets as she made her way toward the simulator pods. Diana’s final exams were in a fortnight, but she had zero doubt that her sister would pass them with flying colours. Diana was more than qualified to be a pilot, a technician, a mechanic, or even part of the research and development team. And in the unlikely event that she somehow managed to fail, the honest truth was they’d probably just throw her into makeup exams until she passed.

Eidolon pilots were in short supply, and Averia was one of the best. They could not afford to leave her without a co-pilot for long, and with Claire being reassigned, that just left Diana.

Still, being out of the Conn-Pod for this long was leaving her a little... restless. It might be good to stretch her metaphorical legs in a simulation. Of course, she should have known she’d draw attention. The cadets were always eager to interact with the pilots, and Averia was only a few years older than most of them. She’d make time for a bit of interaction later, though. Right now, she just wanted to fight something.

“Damn... Kisaragi is killing everyone again.”

“She’s a machine.”

“Hey, at least Wallace actually did some damage. Hell, she might even have won if she’d guessed right at the end there.”

Averia’s brows furrowed. Kisaragi? She knew that name. Everyone did. Yuffie Kisaragi and her husband, Vincent Valentine, had served with great distinction in the First Breach War and continued to serve with great distinction in the ongoing Second Breach War. She’d been lucky enough to run a mission alongside them with Claire. The pair had been incredibly skilled, easy to work with, and simply excellent all around. Well, apart from the teasing. The queen had a tendency to tease her husband without bothering to mute her comms. Averia still wasn’t sure if that was by accident or on purpose.

This couldn’t be them. Neither Yuffie or Vincent would bother fighting against some cadets in the simulator. It wouldn’t be fair. It would be like throwing a lion in against a baby gazelle. Talented or not, there was no substitute for experience, and Yuffie and Vincent were both talented and experienced. 

“You said Kisaragi,” Averia asked a nearby cadet. “Who is that?”

The cadet snapped to attention. “Ma’am!” He flashed her a quick salute. “Um... Akari Kisaragi, ma’am. She’s the daughter of Queen Yuffie and Colonel Valentine.”

“Ah.” That explained it. Averia’s gaze flicked to one of the screens showing what was happening inside the simulation. It was Eidolon vs Eidolon combat, and there was no mistaking the carnage an upgraded Chaos was wreaking against an upgraded Bahamut. “She’s good.”

The cadet nodded. “She’s top of the class in simulator performance, ma’am, and near the top in everything else too. She just doesn’t have a co-pilot yet.”

“Interesting.” Averia’s lips twitched. If the score at the bottom was accurate, Akari had won eight matches in a row. “Do you think anyone would mind if I cut in line?”

That got the attention of the other cadets.

“You’re going to fight her, ma’am?” the cadet asked.

Averia grinned mischievously. “She’s good. I’ve fought alongside her parents. I want to see how she compares.” She glanced up as the defeated Bahamut exploded in a comical burst of confetti and streams. She was fairly confident her Aunt Vanille had implemented that since nobody actually wanted to see an Eidolon explode. 

X    X     X

Akari took a few deep breaths to steady herself. A thin sheen of sweat covered her skin, and the suit clung to her body. However, she didn’t feel tired at all. If anything, she felt more alive than she had all week. Combat was a thrill, and testing herself against the best the training program had to offer was even better. Her eight victories in a row had not all come easily. Two of those matches could easily have gone against her if her opponents had seen through the traps she’d set for them.

As the simulator began to load her next opponent, she wondered who it would be and which Eidolon they would pick. As was her custom, she usually used her parents’ Eidolon, Chaos, since she was most familiar with its weapons. The simulation’s black loading screen gave way to the more elaborate setting of a city. Visible over the ruins of some buildings was her opponent.

She smiled.

Her opponent had picked Odin.

X    X     X

Akari hissed as her plasma shot went just wide. The brilliant beam grazed her opponent’s shoulder, and she readied Chaos’s claws. Her opponent was fast - faster than anyone she’d ever seen using Odin. She couldn’t help but wonder who it was. Although everyone who used Odin had theoretical access to his maximum speed, actually using it required extremely high neural-kinetics because controlling the Eidolon fluently enough to move that quickly was exceedingly difficult, even in the simulator.

With a growl, she lunged forward. Chaos’s claw was capable of puncturing even the toughest of armour with ease, and once she had her opponent pinned on it, she could finish them off with her plasma cannon. The shotgun mode of the plasma cannon was perfect for close quarter combat, and even a single clean hit was enough to substantially damage or even disable another Eidolon.

She missed by a hair’s breadth again, and her opponent twisted into her blindspot. Akari had a split-second to realise how much trouble she was in before a colossal impact rocked Chaos. Whoever was using Odin must have deployed the elbow rockets. Alarms flashed throughout the simulator pod indicating the damage she’d sustained. They were soon joined by more as her staggering Eidolon was struck by another rocket-enhanced blow.

Akari tried to bring Chaos around to face her opponent, but Odin simply circled away, always keeping just out of sight and reach as blow after blow landed. She bit back a curse. It was like fighting a damn ghost. Desperately, she leapt back to try to put some distance between them only for Odin’s shoulder to ram into Chaos’s chest. Her leap back turned into an ungainly sprawl.

Looking up at her foe, she got to see the Blazefire Sabre unfurl right before it thundered down toward her. She rolled to one side, and the blade smashed through a build and carved a trench in the ground. This was her chance! With her opponent’s weapon stuck in the ground, they should be vulnerable.

Or not.

Her opponent had let go of the Blazefire Sabre and picked up a piece of the broken building. The massive lump of concrete and rebar turned into a precisely thrown projectile that struck her plasma cannon and jammed it. The weapon almost backfired before its emergency setting kicked in and shut it down before it could explode. However, that gave her opponent the time they needed to yank the Blazefire Sabre free.

“Oh crap...” Chaos’s claw was an excellent melee weapon. It was not, however, designed to fight someone using a giant sword.

X    X     X

Akari stumbled out of her simulator pod. It was customary amongst the cadets for the winner to stay on during sessions like these. She had lost, so it was time for her to give up her spot in the pod, but she at least wanted to know who’d beaten her. Maybe it was one of the new transfer students? She hadn’t had a chance to face any of the transfer students yet. 

Indeed, she hoped it was one of them. Her defeat had been thorough, but that only motivated her. There was clearly a long way for her to go, and such journeys were always best undertaken with others. With a suitable rival, she could continue to push herself to excel. 

“Not bad.”

Akari stopped and stared. The person climbing out of the other simulator pod was not one of the other students.

“You...”

Averia Yun-Farron held one hand out. “Well fought. I’m impressed you lasted as long as you did, cadet.”

“Oh.” Akari numbly reached out and shook Averia’s hand. The pink-haired young woman was one of the rising stars of the Eidolon Program. Averia had regularly been compared to both of her parents, and she had somehow not come up short in the comparison, which spoke volumes of her ability. “Thanks.”

Averia smiled faintly. “You might want to work on your subtle positioning though. Chaos is one of the most mobile Eidolons, but against a quick opponent, you’ll need to learn how to make small adjustments, taking a glancing hit here and there, instead of just trying to retreat out of range. Getting back is a good idea most of the time, and Chaos has the weapons to dominate at mid to long range, but some of your opponents will be fast enough to punish back-pedalling.”

“...” Akari nodded slowly, still a little stunned. “I’ll... I’ll work on it.”

Averia turned. “It was a good match. I know you’re still waiting for a co-pilot, and it’ll be a couple of weeks before mine graduates. Let me know if you want another match.”

“I... I will!”

That was the first time they fought in the simulator, but it would not be the last. Not by a long shot.

X.    X     X

Author’s Notes

Akari is a chip off the old block. Yuffie and Vincent were excellent pilots, and she’s cut of the same cloth. She just needs a co-pilot. Meanwhile, Averia is trying to keep herself occupied until she can be back on active duty.

If you’re interested in my thoughts on writing and other topics, you can find those here.

I also write original fiction, which you can find on Amazon here.

[astrolocherry]

“There is no such thing as a pure ‐ extrovert or a pure introvert. Such a man would be in the lunatic asylum.” ~Carl Jung, Evans Conversations, Page 23.

~Aries

Extroverted side - participates in challenges and competition with others. voyaging through new environments and social structures strengthens their sense of self and place in the world, interacts with external surroundings with great curiosity to extract the fragments that construct the identity - they constantly observe their surroundings and relate what they see with what they know. present in their leadership role, relationships are vital sources of inner conflict, however one of the grand aspirations of life is to win the heart of true love. outspoken and opinionated in the social and domestic spectrum, the energiser and battery of illumination for friends and loved ones

Introverted side - dreamer of unrealised possibilities. there can only be one winner, and it can be a lonely place at the top. Substantial self-reflection follows the chaos of their living reality, to mark the progression or reset the target goal, and they need to be left alone and undisturbed in order to take a step back from the chaotic haze piece together the memories of the day that will shape tomorrow. if the world has become too boring they will retreat into their own inner wonderland of amusement 

~Taurus

Extroverted side - seeks to create a sanctuary of beauty, comfort, and security for the people they love, measures a portion of self-value on the capacity to provide for dependants financially and emotionally. desires a material synthesis of the inner world - a product or design that captures their inspiration, creativity, and work ethic, professionally influential and invested in utilising, maintaining, or enhancing their natural resources into talents that can supply humanity’s demand, invested in maintaining the wellbeing of friends and loved ones so is typically very observant of these people in looking for signs that something is not right

Introverted side - has a privately developed and enforced inner value and morale system, strongly influenced by the internal instability that threatens the sense of long term security and being useful and needed, very capable of departing from the world into their own mode of autopilot in complete trance to the task at hand, personal sensual bliss, or rest, relaxation, and awakened sleep. can be quite private with the imagination and their unformed creative visions - tendency to play instruments, paint, draw, and write, or whatever when alone

~Gemini

Extroverted side - geminis are introverted and extroverted at the same time, and as the day goes they are highly communicative and active or contained inside their celestial mind. they are energised and grounded through conversation, natural communicator, interacts with the immediate environment in a curious, playful, and alert manner that allows for multiple learning processes to occur at once, holds the microphone and plays the role of the teacher and the student, very interested in the possibilities of everything, swift adaptation and ability to re-arrange the expression and dialogue to gain the most from the interaction and conversation

Introverted side - distracted by the volume of activity in the mind and seduced into the thinking daydream, becomes increasingly bored by people and retreats into their own matrix of inner personalities that keep them amused for days on end, emotionally evasive and reticent to let truly let inside, is socially active to gather information like a butterfly and slips into the chrysalis of isolation to reflect and digest this new stimulus, the contradiction is being very open but closed off to the same so you always get the sense they are hiding something

~Cancer

Extroverted side - responsive and deeply invested in the lives of loved ones, depends on people relying on their presence and support, makes emotional connections based on shared experiences, constructs the sanctuary of love and comfort in the home formed by inner unformed visions and emotional needs for external security and longevity, business minded with a natural talent for growing abundance by virtue of their social intuition, enjoys teaching and sharing stories with children and loved ones. 

Introverted side - develops resilience in the face of invisible and internal obstacles that manifest in reality, the dream life is highly active and tends to manifest in reality so they are never completely present, responsive to the inner child and often finds self-reflection a dialogue between the younger and older self, very immersed in the private emotional experience and developing methods to manage this unseen chaos, retreats into their private music box of memories and re-imaging of childhood fantasies

~Leo

Extroverted side - the response given by human interaction substantially influences the self-identification process, driven to design and demonstrate the highest potential and unique self, desire to demonstrate the internal experience, creativity, and divine fire through the self-expression and appearance, engaged in matters involving human relationship, justice, and defence, provider and supporter, leader who inspires the way through nobility and love, need to command and control the environment actively or subconsciously and inadvertently, enjoys being in a position of mentorship or guidance 

Introverted side - Intense preoccupation with self-development and tuning the inner world to attain the most positive outward response, private self-reflection that can become quite depreciating and self-shaming, isolates from people to reinforce feelings of loneliness and inability to receive love, the shadows can whisper unfounded suspicions regarding being unwanted and humiliated by others using the medium of silence when alone, builds the defences and weapons alone for the fight on behalf of the innocent and vulnerable 

~Virgo

Extroverted side - the mind and nervous system is highly responsive to the external environment, seeks to develop the skills and proficiencies that resolve disturbance and chaos, slips into their own self-regulated and internal mode of operation where the world disappears and they become entranced in the physical or mental task at hand, driven by the desire to communicate and offer service to other people through the development of their intellect, skills, and knowledge. very needy for the external response that validates their hard work

Introverted side - tends to blossom in the later years when self-consciousness has relinquished its captivating grip, gathers knowledge from the external environment and privately gestates this into wisdom, sets the standard through internalised dialogue and uses negative external experiences to reinforce their need for self-improvement, keeps dreams and aspirations secret and typically undergoes a lot of unseen battles with the swords of their own mind 

~Libra

Extroverted side - highly responsive to social interactions and measures self value through the abundance of relationships in their life, engaged in teamwork and collaboration that brings out the unique qualities of everybody, highly responsive to shared experience - bliss is double the delight in company, present in the social and business aspect of daily life as a natural advisory, to ensure justice is served, and to find similarities and differences in people that help them self-identify and define themselves

Introverted side - is deeply and privately self-reflective and often desires remedial alone time to clear out everybody else’s feelings and thoughts and see their world clearly, devotes copious personal time into bettering themselves, reflecting upon their relationships and the people in their lives - during which they tend to construct a lot of inner dialogues and conversations with themselves, frequently disengages from a distressing reality into their private lagoon of dream where all of their wildest fantasies are played out just for them

~Scorpio

Extroverted side - open display of passion and power, unconscious desire to re-write the story of reality by telling the truth, remaining convicted in the face of disbelief, and the will to be a revelatory maverick, upholder and asserter of self-justice, a leader, very invested in forming entrenched and long lasting bonds with select special people, appreciates being in a position of mentorship or guidance to vulnerable or lost people, the healer must become intimate with the darkest conditions of the human psyche and spirit to cast and enforce the transformation that heals from the depths 

Introverted side - Intense preoccupation with inner growth and deep change, more reactive to internal and subjective interpretations rather than external stimulus, personally liberates themselves from their own demons through private, enduring, and intensive transformations where they feel themselves burning alive to death in sensations they can never tell, appreciates and values solitary time and becomes unsettled after a short period of social exposure, tends to learn, research, create, and speculate in private. in depth dialogue with the inner experience, images, and sensations, does not easily trust others, is answerable only to the authority of their own soul

~Sagittarius

Extroverted side - makes the lifelong voyage as far as they can roam searching for the disguises of god that reinforce their intuitive speculations, strong desire to share and explore their philosophies of life with other people, invested in conversations and encounters with many different people from diverse backgrounds and cultures to expand their eyes and sight further to the world, enjoys the high of group experiences that involve shared spiritualism, faith, and music, they can really bring people together and create a higher power with the collective belief of magic

Introverted side - intensely self-reflective regarding the meaning and purpose of their existence, exclusively private construction of their philosophies based on the connection and correlation between internal and external experiences, profound internal leaps in intuition that steer the outward compass, privately imaginative and creative, tendency to play instruments and write when alone, they self-define their own limitations and tend to mark success as a succession of accomplishments 

~Capricorn

Extroverted side - responsive and deeply invested in the lives of loved ones, remarks on inner value through the capacity to provide support and substance to loved ones and the community, invested in uplifting the social profile and family name, focused on attaining institutional recognition and identifies closely with the role in the community, degrees, ascension, and acclaim, engaged in the constant learning process of life, born to lead and inspire, enjoys being in a position of mentorship or guidance 

Introverted side - Intense preoccupation with self-development and mastering the internal instability, confusion, and lack of control that impairs or self-destructs the progress being taken in the world toward their aspirations, external demands are internal projections that set standards that exceed anybody’s expectation, very protective and defensive of their personal space - does not easily trust others, typically keeps a lot of memories, feelings, and fears contained in this private vault

~Aquarius

Extroverted side - socially engages with a general fascination about the human psyche and complexities, appreciates sharing and bouncing their ideas around with like and opposite minded people - their hunger to know and learn more is driven by the desire to inform and enlighten people with their wisdom, so they are typically focused on building a social platform to distribute this from, involved in a service role to humanity and typically quite active in social, political, artistic, and spiritual groups and communities, generally likes to be surrounded by a crowd of 2 or 3, born to lead and inspire

Introverted side - intensely self-reflective regarding the meaning and purpose of their existence, disregards external influence regarding the self-expression, appearance, and direction of aspirations -  is only answerable to the inner authority of the spirit, tends to develop mental attributes and master the mind in a private and unseen process, rampant internal fantasy land and utopian imagination with images that only they can conceive, feels lonely in a crowd

~Pisces

Extroverted side - emotionally responsive and adaptive to the surrounding environment, idealistic, romantic, and deeply invested in forming beautiful and long lasting relationships, their empathy is powerful and naturally expressive, strong desire to communicate the images of the inner world, feelings, and philosophies with other people to impart beauty, healing, love, and make relatable connections with others, seeks a person that can make them feel special or provide the sense that nothing else exists

Introverted side - more reactive to internal and subjective interpretations rather than external stimulus, isolates themselves on an island of escapism for the sake of survival, can carry the inherent sense of being ‘different’ or incapable of truly relating often reinforced by constantly finding themselves alone. pisces are introverted and extroverted at the same time because they know that even though you are by yourself, you are never truly alone 

C

[kawaii-puncher]

Character Chart

Character’s full name: Vera Ward/Draoskithe

Reason or meaning of name: Ward because she's an orphan and thats the last name they get, Draoskithe is her family name but she doesnt know that

Character’s nickname: Sparkles

Reason for nickname: She likes sparkles

Birth date: Nov. 9th

Physical appearance

Age: 23

How old does he/she appear: 23 but she probably looks 18

Weight: 156

Height: 5'7"

Body build: Fierce

Shape of face: I don't know enough about human anatomy

Eye color: Light Blue

Glasses or contacts: Nah she can see it all, 20/20

Skin tone: Pasety Sour Cream Child

Distinguishing marks: Birthmarks on her back that look like scars

Predominant features: Beautiful

Hair color: Pink

Type of hair: Soft, Long, and wavey

Hairstyle: That half up hairstyle but mostly down

Voice: uuuuuuhhhhhhhh

Overall attractiveness: 10/10, professional at the smolder

Physical disabilities: Super Clutzy and a Bad Ankle

Usual fashion of dress: Fancy

Favorite outfit: A turtle neck, cute skirt, leggings and cute shoes

Jewelry or accessories: Always wears a pair of black cross earrings

Personality

Good personality traits: Super kind and wnats to help everyone

Bad personality traits: Stubborn af

Mood character is most often in: Idk how to explain the mood, basically when youre in the whiney "whhhhhhhy" mood

Sense of humor: Cheesey Jokes

Character’s greatest joy in life: Dazzling the Room

Character’s greatest fear: Silence and complete darkness

Why?

Its creepy and unsettling

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?

Death Probably

Character is most at ease when: Spa Days or playing video games

Most ill at ease when: Someone is belittling her or treating her like she's an idiot

Enraged when: She thinks she did something great and is really proud and someone is like "well its not that great"

Depressed or sad when: Toy Story 3

Priorities: School/Education are at the top

Life philosophy: "Fuck it"

If granted one wish, it would be: To see a real life unicorn

Why?

Have you seen unicorns???

Character’s soft spot: She almost cried when looking at some kittens once

Is this soft spot obvious to others? No because shes allergic to a lot of animals (not all) so she stays away from them

Greatest strength: Thumb War and great at Lying

Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Parent Issues cause orphan

Biggest regret: Letting someone get close enough to her to break her heart and hurt her that badly, only she's allowed to put herself through that much pain

Minor regret: Saying yes to paying extra for rum in her milkshake on her 21st birthday

Biggest accomplishment: Not punching someone she really wanted to punch and just walking away. Also getting on the deans list

Minor accomplishment: Submitted art to a competition and heard some little old ladies talk about how much they loved her piece

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: Didn't know Reindeer were real until Highschool. Always thought they were made up like Santa. Also didn't know that you weren't supposed to eat mango skin the first time she had a mango, got weird looks

Why? Not street smart

Character’s darkest secret: She wishes she could just act out and destroy and break a bunch of stuff but she always feels like she needs to be on her best behavior

Does anyone else know?

No, its a secret

Goals

Drives and motivations: To be successful in life

Immediate goals: Good grades in school

Long term goals: Have a private lake and drink wine all day, relaxed

How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Work Hard

How other characters will be affected: she doesnt hang out all the time and puts school above everything

Past

Hometown: Seattle

Type of childhood: Grew up in a catholic orphanage

Pets: None

First memory: Crying because she tripped and a nun gave her candy and told her to keep it a secret between them

Most important childhood memory: Being told that she was still in the orphange not because no families wanted her but because the lord knew she was already with the family that would love her the most (it was nuns that told her that)

Why: Made her feel wanted

Childhood hero: She-ra

Dream job: To be a Journalist

Education: Highschool Grad, working on a bachelor's in college

Religion: Catholic but super chill about it

Finances: Not even enough for a chicken nugget

Present

Current location: Devildom

Currently living with: The Brothers

Pets: Does Mammon count?

Religion: Still catholic but now with a lot of Jesus puns

Occupation: Student

Finances: Still not enough for a chicken nugget

Family

Mother: Unknown to her but the name is Alice Draoskithe

Relationship with her: none

Father: Unknown to her but his name is Quincy Jameson

Relationship with him: None

Siblings: Half Brother on fathers side named Quincy Jr.

Relationship with them: None/ Jealousy later on

Spouse: None

Relationship with him/her: it would probably be good

Children: She accidentally killed a bamboo plants she cant be trusted with kids

Other important family members: Not family family but she grew up with 4 other orphans that were her best friends and Sister Helen was her favorite nun

Favorites

Color: Baby Blue and Gold

Least favorite color: Orange

Music: Legit all kinds but mostly a fan or Alternative Rock

Food: Mini Cupcakes are her favorite

Literature: Tess of the d'Urbervilles is her favorite novel, she wears a red bow from time to time because of it

Form of entertainment: Video Games or Drawing

Expressions: Happy? Honestly dont know about this one

Mode of transportation: Walking

Most prized possession: Her cross earrings

Habits

Hobbies: Drawing, reading, games, or gardening but shes really bad at it

Plays a musical instrument? No but she can play twinkle twinkle little star on an organ

Plays a sport? Please no

How he/she would spend a rainy day: Watching the rain and day dreaming

Spending habits: Clothes and Hair brushes

Smokes: nerds in games

Drinks: Wine. A Lot.

Other drugs: Edibles are cool

What does he/she do too much of?

Drinking

What does he/she do too little of?

Relaxing

Extremely skilled at: Organization

Extremely unskilled at: Gardening

Nervous tics: Nervously curls hair around finger or hums

Usual body posture: Confident

Mannerisms: Very Polite

Peculiarities: Always moving her hands and can't sit still, bites her lip a lot

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? Optimist

Introvert or extrovert? Introvert

Daredevil or cautious? Cautious when sober

Logical or emotional? She acts like she's more logical but 100% more emotional

Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Neat freak

Prefers working or relaxing? Working

Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Confident af

Animal lover? Yes

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: Doesn't belong wherever she goes but she can act like she does, but deep down she knows she doesn't

One word the character would use to describe self: Hopeful

One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: I'm invited because I'm fun to be around but thats just an act and it's not really me... or is it? I don't know anymore

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Second Chances are always accepted

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? She allows second chances to everyone

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? Really pretty hair

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? Dry skin

How does the character think others perceive him/her: they exist

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: their personality to fit what they think is right

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: Theyre pretty cool

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? When sober

Person character most hates: Elliot (an ex) and Henry ( the little shit that stole her cookies all the time in the orphange and lied about it but she knows it was him)

Best friend(s): Asmo and Mammon

Love interest(s): Lucifer and Solomon

Person character goes to for advice: Literally anyone, all opinions help her because she has no idea

Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Herself

Person character feels shy or awkward around: Lucifer

Person character openly admires: Lucifer

Person character secretly admires: Solomon

Most important person in character’s life before story starts: No one

After story starts:

I HAVE NO CLUE

Got this from here

[afanoftheglassscientists]

Comments on The Glass Scientists Chapter 7 Page 28 (Discussing Chapter 7 Pages 10-28)

So my comments are being detected as spam on the comment section of The Glass Scientist page, which from what I can guess from searching through various Disqus threads is because my comments are split into paragraphs and are really, really long.  And although they automatically have a “we’ll work on getting this corrected” thing the moment it gets marked as spam I hear some comments taking months to get released from spam jail. 

Which is annoying, because for one Disqus doesn’t set any clear ground rules for commenting beside the obvious ones regarding bullying and is vague about why things might get marked as spam by accident, and for two I had to go through some threads where people were complaining that SOMEHOW it was the sjws fault that the system was so bad and how its censorship to mark their comments as spam.  NO DAWG, ITS A BAD SYSTEM OF AUTOMATICALLY MARKING THINGS AS SPAM WITH VAGUE RULES LIKE PARAGRAPH BREAKS.  WHY CAN’T YOU PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT LEGITIMATE WEBSITE ISSUES WITHOUT MAKING IT A BAD FAITH FREE SPEECH DEBATE NONSENSE PARTY GUUUUUAAAAAH

But I’m not here to just complain about that.  What I’m here for is to share my riveting and thought-provoking sentiments on Sabrina Cotugno’s The Glass Scientists such as “Jasper is the best” and “Jasper is a good werewolf scientist” and “Did I mention how great Jasper is yet?” and anything else I mentioned in the dark forbidden comments I wrote.  I’m not re-writing everything word-for-word, and I’m only doing the for the ones that are spammed.  I’ll probably leave my longer thoughts here from now on if I feel like gushing more and leave my comments on the Disqus page to a paragraph. 

If you want to see my older comments that range from okay to downright embarrassing here is my profile.  I’ll mention putting my blog (the one you’re look at) in my disqus profile next time I comment if people from the glass scientist discussion want to join me in this hellsite.  So without further ado...

Jasper’s the Best.  The End.

...okay i had more than that to say.

Jekyll and Lanyon were a Thing.  Mood of the Day is “We Been Knew”

In all seriousness its nice to have it in canon as it were, but if you’ve ever looked through the author’s blogs and her previous page descriptions it was pretty clear they had some history together.  So it wasn’t so much a “oh my gawd they WERE roommates” moment as much as a “oh worm” moment.  Its nice to think about the happy time they might have had together, even it did get cut off unceremoniously.  Could it be that their break-up just HAPPENED to be in the same year Jekyll decided “Do you know what would be cool?  If I just like...plucked out the bad, naughty feelings.  Just.  Make a nasty little man from my mind and toss my bad no good feelings there.  Yeah.  That’d be nice.”  Hmmmmmmmm????  Maaaaaaaybeeeeee?????

Lanyon the Super Sleuth

Jekyll - “Oh yeah, Lanyon.  He’s great isn’t he?  He’s the best.  He taught me how to dance.  Jasper I need tell how great Lanyon is for like an hour.  In this room.  With the door closed so no one can come IN while I gush about my friend.  Just a good...long...chat.  About Lanyon.  My best friend who would definitely not go snooping through my private paperwork behind my back.”

Lanyon holding a very important page belonging to Jekyll that he’s definitely not supposed to have while hiding behind an office desk -

*silent screaming*

I Can’t Think Straight on the Hyde in Jekyll Gentlemen Jail Part of the Chapter So I’m Going to Set That Aside for Now

I don’t know why.  I just can’t have any other clear thoughts aside from “Hyde is a stinky rat man” and “oooooooh pretty mindscapesssss.”

Frankenstein and Jekyll are doing JUST Fine and They are Not Hiding ANY Underlying Issues With Bravado and/or Sparkles (They’re Not Fine)

So the thing that just clicked with me is that Jekyll and Frankenstein have the same struggle with being vulnerable and dropping their guard around others without it feeling wrong.  If they realized they had this in common they’d hate it.  I’m just going to copy the part of my comment on Frankenstein’s issue here-

She hates vulnerability.  I mean, she's definitely not a woman who bit more than she could chew and in the process lost everything she held dear until all that was left was the creature she made that led to her destruction no no no. She’s a legend. She's THE mad scientist. She made the impossible possible. She can't be vulnerable nooooo. For people as brilliant and ingenious as her vulnerability does not exist. Its not an option.

It’s good to know her history (or as I called it, “The Frankenstein F***** Up Real Bad Story”) is relatively the same as the original story’s Frankenstein, because like...Frankenstein did a real bad there.  And Jekyll is in the midst of biting more than he could chew with his whole “oh sure just split my mind its fine” thing about to get him in trouble with his best friend/ex and soon with his other friends and probably the cops somewhere along the line so its almost like Frankenstein’s life mistakes and the way she copes with it...is a reflection of Jekyll’s past and future mistakes, and how he copes now and what he might do to cope in the future...hmmmmm... symmmbolismmmm...mmmmmaaaaybbbbeeee....

Okay I Behaved Myself Now Let Me Talk About My Good Good Science Wolf Jasper Please

HE’S BACK!  HE’S BACK!  BRING IN THE MUSIC!

...okay in retrospect he was there at the beginning of the chapter so it hasn’t been that long since we last seen him.  But I haven’t caught up reading for like six months so it felt really long to me. 

Jekyll’s been having it rough and his tears are entirely reasonable.  Here’s another part of my comment that I was VERY proud of because its almost readable-

TFW you have to care for a involuntary patient who discouraged all of your lodgers to no longer participate in the exhibition which you absolutely need to succeed in order to keep the place open and also you have a part of you that you use to hide "dark desires" locked away and currently attempting a jailbreak in your mind AND YET in what might feel like the worst week of your life you find one good werewolf country boi trying his best for you and the lodgers and he might need a lot of work on presentation and cleanliness but good lord you were able to find SOMETHING to feel happy about. 

Its funny because I predicted Jasper wasn't exactly with the Frankenstein IN crowd because he's not a crowd person in general and he's got creatures to feed and large chicken legs to eat, but I was surprised that Jasper is putting effort into the exhibition without Jekyll pushing him. H-he's so good! What a good and smart man he is. I'm so proud. So strong. So sweet.

It also shows that Jasper can push himself to work on projects without outside help, even while the others around him slack off without consequence (for now.)  Which in hindsight makes sense, considering he was by his lonesome collecting critters and data for like months before he met Jekyll.  Obviously he still needs a push when it comes to socializing, which is good for Jekyll because he really, really needs someone to depend on him that doesn’t hate his guts (You hear that, Frankenstein!?)

It’s like having a class where the professor doesn’t punish anyone for ignoring his lessons so most of the class considers it free time but there’s that one student who not only takes the lessons seriously but actually works on the assignments.  Like wow!  Someone still cares!  Amazing!  Miracles still exist folks.

Its interesting how Jekyll is so willing to give away his “trade secrets” when it comes to presenting himself as a gentlemen to Jasper.  He doesn’t sugarcoat his philosophy on how people only look for the surface and don’t care what’s underneath.  He did this a little during the second chapter when he was trying to encourage Jasper, and he’s continuing it now in more detail.  Also between the sparkly lecture on how to gussy up a presentation he like...talks about himself?  Like has a chat with Jasper that isn’t exactly following the code of gentlemen sparkle-speak where he either tries to flatter people, convince people of something or find ways to improve his image.  There’s a solid line between when he’s just having a conversation and gettin’ along with new werewolf pal Jasper, and when he going into sparkle mode to give Jasper advice.

Also on the author’s twitter she revealed that Jekyll never told anyone about the dance lessons until now, which wasn’t surprising.  Jekyll is Tired enough to reveal he has an accent and is Tired enough to let his guard down a little and talk about how he learned to be sophisticated through his REALLY GOOD FRIEND LANYON WHO’S TOTALLY NOT HIDING IN HIS OFFICE.  I feel like if you really want to hear his accent you need to knock him out and hope he mumbles in his sleep because I find it hard to imagine him being even more Tired than he is now.

I think it’ll be interesting to see which aspect of their relationship moves further forward - the aspect of a growing friendship between Jasper and Jekyll that could help both of them open up or the aspect of Jekyll continuing to pass down his philosophy to Jasper (which I’m positive will have absolutely no unintended consequences hahaha and teaching Jasper the ways of the sparklemen.

Okay that’s all I’ve got to say from the comments I made.  I was going to make a list of predictions but I think I’ll save that for another day.  For now I’ll leave you to imagine Frankenstein with a steampunk-style electric guitar in her bed screaming singing heavy metal music about mad science, with a Tired Jekyll behind her going, “Ma’am please...take your medicine...”

[kirishii-gay]

Kiribaku Week- Day 4

I BELIEVE IN YOU 

Based on this art piece: https://abbyslullaby.tumblr.com/post/172292706823/i-believe-in-you-ei by @abbyslullaby

Written by: Kiara (me) 

Word Count: 4.3k 

Prompt: Surprise Party / Free Prompt

READ ON AO3 HERE -> https://archiveofourown.org/works/14389851

@kiribakuweek2k18

They called him the sun.

He shone brighter than anyone else in the world, a flash of shark teeth was enough to add light back into a drained day.

The way he walked, the way he talked, the way he carried himself without a care in the world.  The way he fought was like the scaling hot surface of the sun, wild, out of control and powerful. He reeled you in and hit you when you least expected it while flashing the same shark-toothed grin. He’s quick, he’s fast, powerful and strong, burning with a never-ending passion that he showed to everyone, that he kept proudly on display at all times.

What reeled you in were those eyes.

Carmine red, like the blood dust of the deserts when he’s thinking, like the raging ball of gas in the sky when he’s motivated, like the soft scent of roses when a new emotion grabs him by the tuff of his uniform as he locks eyes with the explosive blond. They light on fire when rage takes over his body, and you can almost feel the heat as if it was burning the delicate skin on your body.

When he cries the sun seems to shy away, hiding behind the layers and layers of clouds of tear-stained grey.  When he smiles the world erupts in music and joy and laughter with the contagious beam of the boy. When he laughs the stars seem to dance.

When he fights the sky seems to fall.

“Kirishima!” The blond one calls out, scowling but voice tainted with a grin as he greets him. The sun beams and Bakugou’s eyes go wide, blown away by the reoccurring light the redhead seems to carry wherever he goes. Kirishima holds out his hand and Bakugou clicks his tongue before he takes it, and they follow each other side by side into the pit of the battle.

Villains keep coming forward eagerly, one after the other. The students fight, teeth clenched and eyes narrowed as they scour the face of their enemies.

The sun’s fire returns when he fights, and it’s mesmerizing. The way he takes down enemy by enemy without fail, pushing his body to do more, to go further, to break beyond his limits and more. A spark of electricity electrocutes the blue sky and the foes fall down, down, down, one by one like dominos.

A strike of a fist and they fall down, down, down.

The sun is too busy. He’s on fire. The passion has stained his brain and he’s lost in the moment. Down, down, down they go, falling one by one. More came, and more went, but he takes down them all with a blow. It feels good to be strong. To be useful. To be the hero he always wanted to be. There was more he could reach, more he could do. People he could save, people he could protect. And this would get him there.

He was shining, thriving. The two fought side by side in the heat of the battle, fighting styles balancing each other out, holding each other up when needed. The blond would attack greedily, showing little mercy, and the sun would take out enemy after enemy by his side until the two were left breathless.

Suddenly, emerging from the shadows is a new, unknown enemy. He’s big, tall and looms over the two heroes, his face hidden, his body draped in ugly black. He blocks out the sun, covers it with his intense gaze and its light is desperately pouring against his back, trying to get through to the red-haired sun to no avail. The blond clicks his tongue, annoyed at another enemy showing up, and his palm erupts in yellow-orange sparks that dance across his skin. He turns his head to face Kirishima, to yet again receive that determined glance that also sends a newfound hope within his heart. But instead, Kirishima is frozen.

His eyes roam up to the face of the familiar enemy, his pupils dilating. Kirishima’s trembling, his usual joy is screaming out and crying, his body failing on him. He can’t move a muscle, every fiber is paralysed with fear. The fear grips his feet and glues them to the ground with a booming rage, it clings to his arms painfully with white-hot terror, pure disgusting terror that feels all too familiar. The freeze of his body is all too familiar. The towering villain is all too familiar.

Kirishima was faced with the same villain he faced all those years ago.

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And back then he didn't do anything. He was useless. Completely and utterly useless, watching helplessly, commanding his body to move with no avail. Nothing was working, nothing. Kirishima clenched his fist, fingernail pressing into his skin hard enough to draw blood. His body returned from its hardened mode and he was left open, vulnerable and frozen. He was a hero now. He was happy. He could fight. He had someone like Bakugou as his boyfriend, and fighting alongside him. He could face this now! He could do this! He could fight, he could rise-

Kirishima broke.

His mind was empty, frozen. He could no longer do anything. He felt helpless. Worthless. Useless. Broken.

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“Kirishima! Kirishi-fuck! Eijirou! What the fuck are you doing?!” Bakugou cried, anger staining his throat. The villain began to walk slowly towards the blonde, who readied himself in a familiar battle stance. Annoyance framed his emotions with an ugly black at Kirishima. Why was he being weak? Why now? The villain smiled a poisonous grin, a terrifying aura surrounding him that even Bakugou could feel. Frustration swelled within his muscles, this was not some time for Kirishima to pull this off! The villain swung.

His movement was fast for his looming size and Bakugou barely dodged it, feeling the air stolen from his lungs. The hero lunged back, flickering his gaze to the sun who had lost his light. Kirishima was still frozen, still paralyzed with fear. Bakugou continued to fight the villain head-on, determination filling his veins. He wasn’t going to go down, with Kirishima or without him.

If Kirishima’s the sun, Bakugou’s the moon. The dark. The other side that rises up and laughs mechanically.

The way he fights is like a hurricane, pure and destructive, it takes and takes and comes back hungry for more. It sucks up everything in its path without another thought, powerful.

But the night can be calm when it wants.

Gentle, soothing. A dark midnight blue that caressed your cheek when you were sad, the pitch black sky that welcomed thousands of stars. While the dark is unknown and out of control, its kindness is the best thing that can ever happen to you.

And the moon that arises in the dusk of night. The moon that shines over you with a booming light, so bright it blinds you. The moon that has different phases, different waves of emotion, but even when it is hidden under the mist and the stars, it will always there.

The moon turned to the sun, its primary source of light that lost its flame with a determination to make it better. “Eijirou, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong, but you have to fucking snap out of it! Please!” Bakugou called, desperately, the moon trying to shine on the sun while fighting off a meteor.

The villain, the destructive meteor glowered down at the lone hero and the pathetic sun by his side. His work here was done. Then with a final, spine-tingling smile, he left. Shrunken back into the darkness of night across the deserted streets, back into the never-ending abyss of space, and disappeared.

Bakugou let out a sigh of relief and sharply turned with a pivot of his foot, running towards Kirishima, grasping him by his shoulders. The sun looked at him with no light, scarlet eyes wide looking at nothing,  mouth parted, body trembling under his fingers. “Eijirou! Eijirou, answer me, you fucking shit! Shitty Hair!” Bakugou cried, shaking the redhead slightly to no avail.

The sun hadn’t lost its light, but was rather paused. Frozen. And Kirishima was trapped.

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“His mindset. His trapped in his mindset.” Aizawa declared, and Bakugou’s face immediately turned baffled. Trapped in his mindset? What the fuck did that mean?

Kirishima had been in recovery girl’s office for the past three days and there were no signs of improvement. His eyes stayed open, wide, his mouth parted in shock and chest constantly gasping in fast anxious breaths of air. Bakugou was starting to get worried. Was it a disease? What if he never got out of it? “Let me explain.” Aizawa followed, moving forward in his seat, clearing his throat. “That villain Kirishima faced was the same one he saw in middle school, whose quirk is ‘Mind Freeze’. When his victim is in terror or shock, he freezes that thought, leaving them mentally and physically frozen. Usually, this would be remedied with up to two days of treatment, but it seemed to have a bigger effect on Kirishima. The first time he met the villain, his quirk was cast on to him, but not as extreme. When meeting him today, the villain attempted to use it again and ended up doubling the effect. Because of that, Kirishima’s left in this state for, well, I’m not sure how long.”

Bakugou couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Mind freeze?! Kirishima had told him about his time in middle school one night, about four months after they’d gotten together. Kirishima told him how he was still worried that he was as weak as his past self, and how traumatised he was from the experience. To have had to experience that again, the very thought made Bakugou’s stomach twist. He couldn’t help but feel guilty. An emotion he’d never really came across before. He was used to living his life with no regrets, so guilt never showed itself.

But the memory of him screaming at Kirishima to get his act together while he faced the villain that traumatised him all those years ago made guilt clench at his chest, and Bakugou winced.

“How do we fix it?” Bakugou hissed, clenching his fists hard. He saw Aizawa struggle for a minute, taking another breath and avoiding the student’s gaze.

“We can’t,” Aizawa replies, and Bakugou stopped hearing his heartbeat.

“What?!” Bakugou cries, slamming his hands down on the table, pupils dilating. “What do you mean we can’t fix it?!”

“Because Kirishima’s already been affected by the quirk, there’s no way to erase both effects of the quirk. Even with my quirk. But, there is one thing we can do…” Aizawa explains, and Bakugou nods, desperate at this point. “There’s a friend of mine who has a quirk that could help him. But we’d have to go back to his first meeting and ensure Kirishima’s confident enough not to get affected by the quirk.” Aizawa explained reluctantly, aware of how insane that sounded.

Bakugou placed his head between his hands, clenching them harshly. This wasn’t happening. To go back in time...to change how Kirishima thought? Everything about it all sounded impossible.

“And...I want you to do it, Bakugou.”  Aizawa leaned forward, looking more intense than the blond had ever seen. His stare seemed to drill into Bakugou with each passing second. Seeing as Bakugou had clearly gotten the point, Aizawa leaned back in his chair and continued.

“You’re the closest one to Kirishima, and I am well aware of the... relationship you have with each other. So-” His teacher explained, and Bakugou was puzzled for a moment before sharply turning his gaze up, causing Aizawa to lift an eyebrow.

“I’ll do it.” Bakugou interrupted, and Aizawa’s brows raised further in surprise. “If it’s for Kirishima,..I’ll do it.” Bakugou continued, before avoiding his teacher’s gaze and turning his head, the last add-on barely audible.

“He risked everything to help me once. I’d be a dick not to do the same.” It was almost as if Bakugou was reassuring the words to himself.

When he first entered at U.A., head held high, dreams as large as towering mountains, a cocky pride in his chest, he didn’t need anyone. He was strong, and strong alone. No one dared to stand in his way, leaving him a clear path to the top. Just how he liked it. But because of that, no one stood by him, either. That didn’t matter to him, at the time. He didn’t need something as petty as friendship. People are just extras in a film he’s starring in. That’s always the way it was, that’s always the way he wanted it.

Until Kirishima changed that.

And now, as much as he hates to admit it, he likes the company. He melts under the redhead’s touch and feels like explosions are set off within his chest whenever the two kiss. He’s shown affection and care and equal strength, he has someone to proudly stand by his side with that same smile that seems to fix everything. And he wouldn’t change that for the world.

When Bakugou was around Kirishima, he learned a new side of himself. And so did Kirishima. A side that was gentle and romantic when he wanted to be, a side that would curl up on Kirishima’s chest and fall asleep to the steady metronome of Kirishima’s heartbeat, safe in the warmth of his arms.

He loved Kirishima.

Love. The word he thought he’d never meet, he’d never need, he’d never feel. All because of one person who changed his life with one smile.

And that was the smile he was going to get back at all costs.

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“The quirk will take you back exactly one year, outside Kirishima’s junior high. You have one chance, Bakugou. You have to wait until Kirishima comes in contact with the villain, then move forward and grab his shoulder. If successful, he’ll be taken into an alternate reality, a separation in time. Then it’s up to you to talk to him. If successful, you’ll be brought back to the hospital immediately, and neither you or Kirishima would have any memory of what happened, and Kirishima will never had gotten affected by the quirk. ”

Bakugou ran the instructions over and over again in his mind, but doing it in person was a completely different story. It sent his nerves out of control as he moved down the footpath, towards the place the villain was sighted. He kept his hands firmly in his pockets, taking slow breaths. You can do this, you can do this, you can do this-

Bakugou’s eyes went wide.

Across the footpath, right there, was Kirishima.

Well, not the Kirishima he knew.

The boy had his hands clenched by his side, eyebrows furrowed over the eyes that he knew so well. His hair, his stupid shitty hair had lost its flame and hung over Kirishima’s head in messy black bangs, framing his face and traveling down his neck. Bakugou had seen his hair down before, and he loved it. Loved how easy it was to run his hands through it, how the soft, silky locks felt in his fingertips. But the black had a completely different effect on the boy in front of him.

Bakugou had been so fixated on the lost light of the sun in front of him, that he was too late to notice the villain that approached the students ahead with a sickening grin. The atmosphere immediately seemed to darken, the grin sending a shiver down even Bakugou’s spine. Its voice was terrifying, hissing with venom as he patiently asked for directions from the quivering students. Annoyed at the lack of response, the villain moved lightning fast, fist colliding with the wall, sending a jagged crack crawling up the building.

The villain drew his fist back and turned to face Kirishima.

The boy froze.

Bakugou saw him struggle, saw him grit his teeth and command his body to move, but it disobeyed.

Bakugou snapped out of his trance immediately ran forward, as fast as his damn useless legs could carry him and grasped Kirishima’s shoulder, praying he’d made it in time.

Immediately, the scenery around them vanished, like a light finally being put out. The villain melted away, followed by everything in the area around them. Nothing remained except a valley of stars atop a black sky, and Bakugou desperately holding onto young Kirishima’s shoulder.

The young boy turned around, mouth agape, eyes darting as he took in what just happened. He looked around, hands out and still trembling, then finally saw Bakugou, who had drawn his own hand back.

“W-what?! W-what h-happened...w-who are you? Where am I?” Kirishima stuttered, staring at Bakugou. Bakugou took a slow breath, wondering how the hell he was going to say this. To do this. “I’m...A friend of yours. More than that. You’ll find out later. And I don’t know where the fuck we are either, but I need you listen to me or all of this is gonna be for nothing.” Bakugou said sternly, voice shaking slightly as he tried to figure how the fuck to do this.

“What are you feeling right now?” Bakugou eyed the boy in front of him, reading his facial expression. Wide with fear. Not a good sign. Kirishima looked slightly shocked at the sudden personal question, and it was present in his expression.

“What? Where’d the villain go?-” Kirishima asked, confused, but not even able to finish before Bakugou interrupted him.

“You fucking heard me. What are you feeling right now? Are you pissed? Scared?” Bakugou continued to question. “When you saw the villain, you were scared. You were pissing yourself, right?”

“I-...I was terrified, but….how did you know this? What are you doing here?” Kirishima pushed, fear and confidence fighting and clenching at his chest as he attempted to challenge Bakugou.

“I-...” Bakugou paused. This wasn’t fucking working. How was he going to talk to him, to try to stop him from being self-conscious when he didn’t even know who he was. This was all too fucking confusing. He never should’ve signed up for this.

But, if doing this meant he could get Kirishima, his Kirishima back, then fuck it. Bakugou moved forward and grasped Kirishima by the shoulders, looking directly into his similar, yet so different eyes.

“Kirishima.” The young boy’s eyes widened at the say of his name, causing Bakugou to let out an annoyed sigh. “Yes, I know your fucking name. Because I know you, Kirishima. I know you’re fucking terrified right now. And upset, and confused, and whatever else the fuck you’d be feeling. I know, okay. That’s why I’m here, I need...fuck, ...I need to change that, ok? So you have to listen to me.”

“But I don’t even know you! Where am I? I don’t get it-” “We don’t have much time ok? Can you please fucking listen to me?” “Dude, you just took me to a random place in the middle of nowhere and I don’t know who you are and you’re pushing me with questions. I’m confused!” “I fucking explained already, Kirishima! Just, fucking answer me, okay?! Were you scared?” Bakugou pushed, losing patience.

Kirishima opened his mouth, as if to say something but quickly closed it. Then with a shaky breath, he nodded.

“I-...I was scared. I couldn’t move at all. I-... I t-tried to get my body to move b-but it just..wouldn’t. It was..terrifying. I wasn’t manly at all. ” Kirishima admitted, gluing his gaze to the ground and clenching his fist, and Bakugou’s chest twisted.

The spark of light the sun gave still wasn’t there. It had been completely put out.

“Fucking everyone gets scared sometimes, Kirishima.” Bakugou reminded, eyebrows turning upwards, features going softer. “Even All Might, for hell’s sake. It’s not a weakness, it happens to everyone. And I know..I fucking know you’d be scared. I-I’ve had that before. Where I didn’t move. At all. I didn’t do a fucking thing and let my ass get kicked by a villain and nearly fucking died when I goddamn knew I was stronger than that.”

Bakugou let his hands fall to his side and turned his head, body tensing at the memory. He felt his muscles go rigid and took a deep breath. This wasn’t about him. This was about Kirishima.

“That...that really sucks, man. I’m sorry.” Kirishima said softly, voice painted in concern. Even like this he still cared.

“This isn’t about me though. I know you’ve been upset lately. And not because of the villain.” Bakugou questioned, and he saw Kirishima hesitate for a minute, his eyebrows lowering.

“Not really. I’m just pissed, you know?” Kirishima clenched his fists, hard, painfully letting out his insecurities after what seemed like an eternity. “How am I supposed to be a manly hero, be the best of the best, if I can’t move?”

Bakugou’s chest twisted yet again, a deep feeling he couldn’t place in his stomach. Empathy, maybe. “Kirishima, that doesn’t change whether or not you can be a hero, for god’s sake. You’re gonna be a dead-ass strong hero, because when you fight it’s fucking amazing.”

“But what if I’m not strong? There’s... there's so many people who are so much better, who could do so much more. Me, my quirk, just, me I’m not...good enough to be up there. And I-...I’m scared I never will be.”

The last sentence was said quietly, with so much hurt, so much pain coming from the young version of the one he loved. It physically hurt. It reminded Bakugou of that time in the dorms when Kirishima had the nerve to say he wasn’t strong and that his quirk wasn’t good enough. A reveal of how deep his insecurities were..it was painful.

Bakugou knew he had to choose his words fucking carefully. He needed to say the right things, think through his words and not mess this up. You can do this, Katsuki. Do it for Kirishima .

“It’s okay, Kirishima-” Bakugou began, before abruptly pausing as he saw Kirishima get more frustrated, tensing up and clenching his fist harder, bottom lip beginning to tremble. Everything was overflowing, held back for too long and--  

“It’s not okay, though! Other people, they’re so much better! Everyone can do so much cool things, and I-...I can’t! I can’t do anything! How am I supposed to be a hero like this? It’s...it’s not manly at all...and I don’t know w-what to do, ok?” Kirishima ranted, eyes wide with newly formed tears in the corner of them, eyebrows drawn together, reaching a hand up to grasp the front of his uniform. Kirishima began to cry now, the tears rolling down his young face. He held his hand up to his tear-filled eyes, attempting to stop them to no avail.

“Kirishima, I-..I’m not fucking good at this. I have no idea what to say either, but.  If you don’t give up and keep on fighting, it means you’re fucking strong. You’re the goddamn strongest and manliest person I’ve met, and you’re going to be a strong ass hero one day.” Bakugou confirmed, saying nothing but the truth.

“How do you know, though? How do you know that every time I see a villain I won’t freeze? W-why am I so useless sometimes? Ugh...I’m...I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-” Kirishima sniffed, his tears still not ceasing.

“No. Don’t apologise, Eijirou. Don’t fucking apologise. You’re strong. You’re so fucking strong. I’ve seen it before, I’ve seen the shit you can do-” Bakugou countered, finally getting the hang of this whole comforting language before getting cut off.

Kirishima had surged forward and clung to him in a desperate hug, head pressed against Bakugou’s chest, his body still trembling from the continuous sobs.

“It’s ok, Eijirou. I believe in you.” Bakugou reassured, awkwardly placing his hands around Kirishima’s waist, letting him cry as much as he needs.

As soon as those words left his mouth, Kirishima looked up at him with wide eyes. “W-what?”

Bakugou lifted his hands and cupped Kirishima’s face, his tears wet against one palm, the other resting against the black hair that hung over his face. Bakugou’s face went soft, and his voice dropped to barely a whisper. “I believe in you, Ei.”

Then, slowly, the world began to distort. Melting away slowly, morphing back into a reality. Kirishima began to slip away, gradually, slowly, until Bakugou could no longer feel him under the touch of his hands.

And with that, the moment vanished as if it had never happened in the first place.

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The next time Bakugou opened his eyes again, he was seated in the hospital by Kirishima’s side, holding his hand tight, too tight. Waiting for him to wake up, waiting for him to say something, anything. Bakugou’s wish was granted, and Kirishima’s eyes fluttered open to meet Bakugou’s, sending him a weak smile. “K-katsuki..” He whispered, sitting up in his bed, brilliant red hair falling over his head.

Bakugou felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders and his chest swelled with joy and he lurched forward to capture Kirishima in a hug, clutching his back tightly. He didn’t know why, but he missed him. Missed him so damn much, even if he’d only been out cold for about a day.

Everything seemed to come alive again as Kirishima was returned to him, and golden-yellow joy found itself blossoming in Bakugou’s chest. The piercing red eyes that danced as he smiled, the soft red hair that was held desperately by hair gel or hanging loosely in messy bangs, the shark-tooth grin that filled Bakugou’s world with hope.

But Kirishima smiled, and light suddenly filled the room again, a sun returning home and shining upon everyone once more. Bakugou held him tighter, burying his face in the crook of Kirishima’s neck, feeling his soft ruby hair tickle his face. Kirishima laughed and Bakugou felt himself melt as Kirishima hugged him back, sitting up further in the bed to do so.

The sun had returned, and Bakugou had never felt brighter.

[we-work-hard]

Sweet One (Part 2 of 2)

Pairing: 18 year old High School football player AJ Styles (here he is in his kit) x OFC exchange student Marisa (you can choose where she’s from, that’s cool XD – English isn’t her first language, so lots of good choices) 

Summary: It’s Marisa’s last night in America before going back home, and she wants to say goodbye to her sweet/cute/rough American boyfriend properly (on the Johnson High School football field in Gainesville… at midnight… with no pants on). Part 1 is here

Notes: I started this ten thousand years ago as a present for sweetheart @ajstylesworld, and I just got up the courage (sort of) to finish it

Tagging: Welp, I didn’t really tag anyone on the first chapter… and I don’t really write straight stuff that much… but I’m tagging peeps who were nice about the other one, and you can totally ignore this if you want :D @stylesmella @unabashedwwesmut @athoughtfulmindwrites @wweimaginewonderland @bethyl4life123 @justrae9903 @thephenomenonalkingofthebrogues @pixelatedmenace @cris1984love @chasingeverybreakingwave @scriptor @sarahmatthews7 @bigpixiefoot @your-darkdiva @castielscamander @shooting-star-cypress @stylesgirluk

Warnings: High School smut time, sex on a football field at midnight, mentions of Christianity, pre-marital fooling around, hopefully no typos (There Will Be Typos). I’d list what they do, but… yeah.

Sweet One  

As she slumps down onto him in bliss, pleasure still pulsing through her body, she can feel him kissing at her forehead. He’s talking excitedly in a raspy whisper, but she can’t bring herself to concentrate on what he’s saying quite yet. She wants to enjoy the comfort of his sweaty body underneath her for longer, rubbing her face against his football jersey sleepily and winding herself around him tighter as the air around them starts to get colder, a breeze blowing through the football field. But the boy has no patience, rudely shaking her out of it to ask eagerly, “What now? What’s next?”

“Mmm… Slow down, boy…” She drags herself out of the tingly fog and turns her head up to look at him, resting her cheek on his shoulder with a sleepy grin, sighing happily. His eyes are shiny and excited, like a kid with a new toy, face flushed. He slides his hand out from between her legs and automatically reaches to sweep the hair out of her face with affection, then pauses, laughing gruffly with a little embarrassment, hand awkwardly hovering between them. She wonders what he’ll do next, resting her chin against him and watching.

His fingers glisten in the moonlight. He lets himself look at them with wonder and curiosity at what they’re coated with, what he’d just touched inside. He’s tasted her before, he liked it. She can tell what he wants to do.

“It’s okay – taste,” she coaxes, pushing his own fingers towards his mouth, helping him to slide the fingertips past his full pink lips and against his tongue. He’s too slow to stop her, eyes widening and mouth slackening with alarm, then tightening around his thick fingers.

“Hmm,” he lets out, his eyelids closing, bottom lip pulling. She gets that pulse between her legs again to see it, remembering his tongue on her – just that one time, when he wasn’t too scared to give her pleasure instead of just taking his and leaving her wanting. She can’t stop herself from grinding down against him again slightly with her hips, stroking his wrist, then his fingers, then the lips around; rubbing her thumb-pad on the crease of his mouth, feeling the wetness of his welling saliva. His eyelids open, blue eyes hot.

“The sin tastes good, yes?” she whispers, then laughs at the shock that plays out on his face.

He pulls his fingers out to protest, but she shushes him.

“I know other sins, AJ – I can teach you. Would you like to learn them?”

He swallows, his eyes searching her face, just a little frown between his eyebrows. 

“Yes,” he whispers, voice shaking with need and nervousness.

“Would you like your own taste from my mouth next?” she whispers back with mischief.

He squirms under her at that, scrunching his face up with disgust. “No! Why would you say that-”

“Hey, hey, hey,” she giggles, making herself heavy and reaching for his wrists again, pinning them to the grass either side of his head. He’s all pouty like he gets when she goes too far, when she doesn’t let him be the Big Strong Boyfriend. Usually she’d go back to Sweet Submissive Girlfriend Mode, but not tonight. Tonight he gets to learn that women aren’t like that at all; not really. She has needs too, and she won’t push them down any more for him and his male pride; not on her last night with him.

“Don’t get silly, don’t get moody,” she chides, letting go of a hand to tug at his bottom lip and laugh. He pushes her fingers away with a tut.

“Don’t play with me, Marisa; it ain’t funny.”

“Ah… okay, I’m sorry, baby. I just want to have some fun with you. That’s okay?”

He sighs and looks down at where she’s sitting across his hips – his hardness hasn’t softened at all this whole time, still digging up against her, even through the apparent disgust at what just came out of her mouth. That intrigues her. She wonders excitedly – has he ever? – almost missing what he’s saying…

“… just don’t mess around with me. I haven’t done this stuff before, not with anyone else. It’s not funny to me.” His eyes are open and honest, nothing like they’d been in the first few days she’d known him. He’s vulnerable with her now, and that’s delicious to her – a boy putting his heart in her hands, his sensitive feelings. She’ll be careful with them… but she’ll push it – she can’t help herself.

She leans down and tips his head back to kiss his sweet curved mouth again, enjoying how quickly he kisses her back; so hungry, so eager for touch even after being angry a second before. She forces her tongue in his mouth, making him moan, wanting to taste more of him – but will he let her?  

Pulling away and kissing across his face wetly, down his neck, she trails her hand between her own legs, bringing her fingers up to his mouth and pushing them in as she makes her way down his body, still clammy from the game earlier, now covered in a light sheen of fresh sweat. The feeling and sound of him sucking her fingers while he moans around them makes her want to touch herself again, but she can do that later with the memories of what comes next.

In the darkness, she can see how hard he is through the lycra of his football shorts, damp from her grinding. She presses her tongue against him and braces against his desperate bucking against her face.

“Marisa!” he gasps, groaning deeply when she licks against him, putting her hands on his hips and looking up at him, seeing his hands covering his own face. Him trying to hide from her, shaking.

“I want it – let me see it, let me suck it, AJ.”

“Oh, god. Oh god, okay,” he gasps, hurriedly helping her to undo the laces, grunting as their knuckles brush against him while they pull the material down over his sweaty hips. He’s beautiful, just like she knew he would be – thick, and almost cherry red at the tip. The smell of him makes her mouth water; the salt of his skin, the light chlorine smell from the sticky glaze he’s dripped into his underwear.

“Fuck, oh fuck-” he starts to chant while his hips twitch, seeing her studying him and what he looks like. “Don’t stare at me – oh god.”  

She licks up his length with a flat tongue, pressing down against his hips and enjoying how much he shakes underneath her, and the groans as she sucks on the head, rubbing her tongue inside the slit and tasting his precum. It’s sweet and musky, tastes like his innocence and nastiness all together. She wants to swallow it all, steal it from him and keep it forever inside her, leave him filthy and wanting for the rest of his life.

She forces more of him inside and lets the head rub against the roof of her mouth, poke against her soft palette while she moans, feeling his balls tighten up where she holds and rubs at them between his legs.

“Oh fuck, I’m gonna cum… I’m gonna cum in your mouth-” he gasps out after a minute of her sucking, him holding himself taut to stop from grinding his pleasure out into her mouth. She wants to see it, pulling herself off of him and wiping his taste across her face, pulling at him fast and watching his hips bunch and flex against the feeling, white shooting out of him and over her hand, across his stomach; beautiful.

“Uhh, oh… fff- oh my God… so good… oh, fuck,” he gasps through his hands while he shudders and twitches, body undulating against the aftershocks.

She looks over him hungrily to fix it in her mind – his sweaty spiky hair, rough hands running over his face, heaving chest and glistening stomach, belly button twitching where his shirt has worked its way up. His half-hard cock, and the sweaty pelt of his groin, the crease where his hips meet his thighs; how soft they look. She wishes she could lay him out on a bed and see him naked completely; how beautiful his body must be underneath his clothes. Does he even realise?

She crawls up beside him and pulls his hands away to kiss him deep again, him kissing back and realising too late what he’s tasting. She pulls away and looks in his eyes to see his reaction – he looks back amused, eyes sparkling. A naughty boy; he’s tasted that before. She can’t help but rub at his mouth again, him looking at her so filthy like that.

“Nice?” she breathes against his face.

“Yes,” he whispers back with a smirk, sucking his bottom lip, picking up on what his honesty is doing to her. He pulls a leg over him again, settling his groin against hers to feel her heat, let her push against him, rubbing his hand over her ass through her dress and underwear, encouraging her to press against where he’s getting hard again.

“Bad, disgusting boy; dirty boy,” she gasps with a smile, his mouth smirking right back, chuckling with nasty glee.

“You like your boy dirty like this, huh?” he says to her, sending sparks of pure want through her. “You like this?”

He pulls her dress up so he can look at where they meet, how she’s rubbing herself against him through her panties on reflex, unable to control it. He catches her eye again and flashes his teeth in an arrogant grin, pushing up against her and biting his lip nastily.

“Come on, I want it,” she gasps out, turning over to her back and pulling him on top of her.

“Oh, shit… I don’t… I don’t know how-”

“It’s okay – I’ll show you,” she reassures him, stroking his hair back and pushing her tongue into his mouth again, rubbing it against his and feeling him moan. She should pull the condom out of her bra where she’d slipped it, ready for tonight; she should. She should make him put it on. But she doesn’t want to; pushes him up a little so she can work her panties down, him quickly pulling them down off of her legs, throwing them aside in haste and pushing her legs apart, looking at her there.

‘Please, just once more, just once,” he pants, sliding down her body and licking hard between her legs, making her growl and buck against his face to get his tongue inside. He obliges her – forcing it inside and flicking it in and out, moaning hotly, nose pushing against her clit hard in his hunger to rub his face in her wetness.

“Stop, stop – stop it, dammit,” she yells in her own language, hitting at his head and trying to buck him away, him holding her under her ass and squeezing while he pushes his head down.

He lets her go and scrambles back up, nuzzling his face against her neck while she pulls his hair, winding her legs around his waist. He’s back to full hardness, grinding and dripping against her, so she pushes him up to hold him, guide him to where she needs him, looking at his face, his soft mouth, how it makes an ‘o’ shape when he starts to push inside, their hips slowly meeting closer so he can sink home.  

She’s tight, even though she wants this so bad. Her body always gets nervous for this, and he looks so unsure and scared, asks her if she’s okay, doesn’t it hurt? 

No, it doesn’t hurt, just go slow, slow, not too fast – make love to me slow, pour your love into me and never forget me; always remember, every time you do this when I’m gone. Sweet one, sweet boy; all mine, just for tonight, just for now. Make it feel like forever.

…

He rests his head on her chest, breathing softly while she strokes her fingers through his soft wet hair, holds around him with her other arm, rubbing his back through his shirt. He sighs and makes contended sounds – sweet and sleepy, no macho pride anymore.

She can barely hear him when he starts to talk, whispering as if he’s scared to be heard.

“I wouldn’t do this with anyone else, just you. Even though, even though we shouldn’t have; everyone should wait… until-”.

“Marriage?” she says with a sad smile, rubbing the back of his neck and looking up at the stars above them, the night quiet.

“You don’t have to marry someone to keep them close. I’ll always be close.”

“But, you’re leaving,” he says sadly.

“In here,” she says, rubbing a finger against his forehead with fondness. “Close in here.”

“In there’s not enough.”

“I’m here now,” she says, pushing the bad feelings away again, trying to enjoy what she has now. She reaches to tweak at his nose, earning a huff and a hand lightly swatting hers away.

“Had you…” he mumbles, fumbling with the top of her dress. “Had you done this before?”

“Yes.”

He sighs.

“So I’m not your first,” he says mournfully, gently stroking at her skin with a finger.

“No. But I was yours. And that’s special.”

She keeps stroking his hair back from his forehead as he breathes out and settles back down against her, closing his eyes. She loves him, this sweet boy she’s leaving tomorrow. They’re young, and memories of this time will fade as they move through their lives, but he won’t forget what she gave him tonight, and what she took away. She smiles at that.

[wineanddinosaur]

Enologist Emily Wiemer Is Honing in on Sonoma County’s ‘Yum Factor’

“Table fellowship” is what attracted Emily Wiemer, enologist at Three Sticks Winery to the wine industry. It’s sitting around with new people, friends, and colleagues learning about each with a wine bottle and cork as the only distraction is where she gains energy. The Minnesota native’s wine journey wasn’t too much of a stretch since she already had a passion for food and agriculture. She fully intended to pursue a job in the food and agricultural field after attaining an undergraduate degree in food science from Iowa State University. However, it was wine that “brought it all together” for her.

After completing an internship at Gloria Ferrer and her master’s degree in viticulture and enology at the University of California Davis, Wiemer joined Three Sticks in 2019. This year, the 2019 (Three Sticks current release) is her first “grape to bottle.” Wiemer sat down with VinePair to discuss and gain an understanding of the enologist role, her thoughts on women in the wine industry, and how she found the “yum factor” at Three Sticks.

1. Where did your passion for wine come from?

My passion for wine arose from the realization that it bridges many gaps among things I already love. Wine unites my love for agriculture that I cultivated while at Iowa State; it provides me with a medium through which to apply chemistry and microbiology; and it incorporates hospitality and sharing my passion with others. I also really appreciate that winemaking can be found in every corner of the globe. The pursuit of becoming a winemaker has allowed me to travel for work to South Africa and Italy. I love incorporating wine tastings into touring new places.

2. In your own words, what is an enologist; how is it different and/or related to winemaker?

The easiest way to put it is to say that I am a “wine scientist.” Much of my role involves sampling or testing wines to help monitor them. The data is then used in conjunction with tastings, but the response of our taste buds always wins out over a number on the page. Preparing and participating in tastings is another crucial part of my day-to-day role, especially during blending and bottling. I do lots of quality assurance and quality control, and through this I participate in every part of the winemaking process — from grape to bottle — which makes it a great preparatory role for moving into winemaking positions as I progress in my career.

3. There are several entry points into wine industry. What was yours and why did you choose it?

I entered the industry via education, knowing that it would be a powerful tool in helping me pivot and build upon my previous studies and experience in the food and agriculture industry. It was also an opportunity to begin building a community for myself in a new state and a new field. So, I enrolled at the University of California at Davis to learn more about the winemaking process and the science behind it. From there, gaining hands-on experience was crucial to cementing what I had learned in school and providing me a way to apply it.

4. How did UC Davis prepare you for your role and the wine world?

UC Davis helped me to further develop my critical thinking and data interpretation skills and helped me to build a network of wine industry professionals through the community of students, including my graduate program cohort. We were able to put these technical learnings into perspective through participation in extracurricular groups that also introduced us to industry veterans and a diverse array of successful approaches to winemaking. This helped us to realize how these lessons would best serve us, and to determine when we might want to take a different approach. Tasting groups, classes, and seminars helped each of us to discover our own personal style. In addition, these experiences helped us to acknowledge that the context of our schooling, particularly related to sensory perception, grape growing, and winemaking, can affect what we find in each bottle.

5. How did you end up at Three Sticks? In your opinion how does it stand out?

I knew as I entered the wine world that I wanted to focus on Sonoma County, particularly on Pinot Noir and Chardonnay, with quality at top of mind. Three Sticks is all of this and more. Carl Formaker, Three Sticks’ assistant winemaker (and a fellow UC Davis alum), helped to connect me with the rest of the winemaking team and it turned out to be a great fit. Three Sticks stands out because of our ability to get to know our estate vineyards across Sonoma County and what we on the winemaking team call the “yum factor.” We look for it as we’re blending, and we delight in it as we revisit wines we’ve made from previous vintages. It is this sort of X-factor that leaves you wanting another sip. I feel supported and encouraged, which has allowed me to thrive these last couple years. I’m so grateful for that.

6. What advice would you give to young women wanting to work in the industry as a winemaker, in the vineyard, or the cellar?

Just try it! And don’t overthink it! Be prepared for some hard work, but it comes with some great rewards. Find a team that supports you, and then “bloom and grow.” Try to learn why you’re doing a task — this helps both with motivation and fulfillment at work for me. Being humble, vulnerable, and ready to learn also fosters a longer-term commitment to crafting wines and remaining in this industry. Don’t let self-doubt or negative self-talk push you out of something that you really love.

7. How has the wine industry changed in the last year? How have things improved?

The past year was extremely challenging for the California wine world due to Covid and fires. These issues have forced us to adapt and improve. Having an online presence and the adoption of more technology were huge factors both for selling wine (online marketplaces, virtual tastings) as well as for increasing access for seminars and conferences while unable to gather or travel. Though these were imperfect replacements, I think that there were some highly positive takeaways that will remain in place. Fires forced everyone to confront their commitment to quality, though the response to this challenge varied across the industry. Some chose not to harvest, and others felt they could still make great wine since the effects were felt differently across each region. Regardless, we have all had to learn a lot more about this threat to our industry and how we can defend the quality of our wines against it.

8. What is the best piece of advice you received regarding your career?

Being reminded to balance patience with drive. While having goals is obviously very important to continue progressing, realizing the beauty of maximizing your current situation for the utmost growth has been a big lesson for me. Acknowledging that I am right where I need to be in the given moment has helped lend a lot more satisfaction and happiness to my journey in wine. Embracing this long road is crucial to promote sustainable learning for me.

9. How does the “affordability” of California affect interns, cellar masters, and other roles in Napa/Sonoma?

Because the area where we are employed is so highly coveted by others for its lifestyle, weather, and location, it can be tough to live where we work. I would say that it often ends up preventing some of us from participating in the “lifestyle” we had hoped for as we joined the industry, which is heartbreaking. But we enjoy other insider perks in wine country that help to offset this challenge, though they do not make up for the challenge completely.

Our hospitality colleagues warmly take care of their own, and that sort of acknowledgment is so appreciated. It can be tough for interns (particularly those that are traveling) to break even given the dual challenges of expensive housing and their temporary status. This then negatively affects their experience in exploring the region that they are working within.

10. Do you have advice for anyone interested in or new to working a harvest regarding expectations?

Be ready to get dirty and work long hours. It is extremely important to check one’s ego at the door, because saying “that’s not my job” is not OK. We are all in it together, and that camaraderie and teamwork is what buoys us through the vintage season. Seasonal work is a huge challenge as the hours and work are inconsistent as folks enter the industry, but we all patch it together until we find a sustainable, full-time job.

11. What’s next for you professionally?

I hope to keep growing in my role as enologist for Three Sticks and that I continue to learn from everyone on the rest of the team. Progressing into roles as assistant winemaker and eventually head winemaker will be stepping stones as I continue my career in wine. It is also important to me that I help as many people as possible as I grow and continue my learning. I aspire to do this by sharing my knowledge, offering encouragement, and by being inclusive in all that I do.

12. What’s next for Three Sticks?

We are continuing to strive to make the best wines possible. We will continue to make wines that represent their growing season and a sense of their place. This commitment means that we are never complacent or rocking back on our heels. It keeps us learning. It keeps us growing. It is also important to us that we keep sharing our wines, specifically in modes that convey table fellowship and that foster friendship and community. Gathering around our wines with friends and family is when they shine brightest. This organic growth is what will ensure and maintain our role in Sonoma County wine.

The article Enologist Emily Wiemer Is Honing in on Sonoma County’s ‘Yum Factor’ appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/emily-weimer-three-sticks-winery/

[mikegranich87]

The Morning After: Crypto heist hacker returns all $610 million they stole

It’s the weirdest cryptocurrency heist so far. On Monday, Poly Network, a cryptocurrency finance platform, was hacked by “Mr. White Hat” who exploited a vulnerability in its code to steal $610 million in Ethereum, Shiba Inu and other cryptocurrencies. The company now says it has recovered all the money it lost in the theft.

Less than a day after stealing the digital currencies, the hacker started returning millions saying they were “ready to surrender.” They subsequently locked more than $200 million in assets in an account that required passwords from both them and Poly Network. They said they would only provide their password once everyone was “ready.” At that point, Poly Network offered the hacker a $500,000 reward — a fraction of what they had stolen.

It’s not entirely clear why the hacker surrendered, but it may have been difficult to cash out the millions. The hacker says they were trying to contribute to the security of Poly Network. Maybe they just didn’t want to get caught. Poly will breathe a sigh of relief as will those that were doing their crypto trading through the platform.

— Mat Smith

A Razer mouse can bypass Windows security just by being plugged in

The company says it's fixing the flaw.

Security researcher Jon Hat posted on Twitter that after plugging in a Razer mouse or dongle, Windows Update will download the Razer installer executable and run it with SYSTEM privileges. It also lets you access the Windows file explorer and Powershell with "elevated" privileges, which means nefarious types could install harmful software — if they can get to your USB ports.

Since this vulnerability requires someone plugging in a mouse, it's not nearly as dangerous as a remote attack, but it's still not great for Razer. The company's security team said it’s working on a fix. 

Continue reading.

Finally, the ‘Stardew Valley’ esports tournament is a thing

Farm, mine and fish your way to glory on Labor Day weekend.

ConcernedApe

Esports is most commonly associated with high-octane competitive games, usually with guns. That’s not the vibe in Stardew Valley, where you literally tend to crops. It’s more agrarian, less aggro.

But soon, some of the world's finest Stardew Valley players will face off for thousands of dollars. Creator Eric Barone said the first official Stardew Valley Cup event will take place on September 4th. “It’s a competition of skill, knowledge and teamwork, with a prize pool of over $40k.”

More than 100 challenges have been created for competitors to tackle, with four teams of four players each having three hours to complete as many of the tasks as they can. Best start sharpening that hoe.

Continue reading.

NASA’s latest video from Mars looks like ‘Dune’

A new video from the Curiosity rover is here.

NASA/JPL-Caltech/MSSS

NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory released a breathtaking panorama of the inside of the Gale Crater, as snapped by the Curiosity Rover. It shows off where the rover has been and where it’s going. Apparently, on a clear day when there’s no dust in the air, you can see up to 20 miles away.

Continue reading.

PayPal brings its cryptocurrency trading feature to the UK

Even in small units.

PayPal is bringing the ability to buy, hold and sell cryptocurrencies across to the other side of the pond, the better part of a year after it launched in the US. In a statement, the company said that UK-based users would be able to buy, hold and sell Bitcoin, Ethereum, Litecoin and Bitcoin Cash via their PayPal account. The company adds that users can buy as little as £1 of cryptocurrency, and while there are no fees to hold the currency, users will have to pay transaction and currency conversion fees. And hey, it’s not Poly.

Continue reading.

'Twelve Minutes' ruins a compelling game concept

I’ve been waiting a while for this, too. 

Annapurna Interactive

Twelve Minutes managed to hook several Engadget editors when it was revealed back in 2015. Even before it gained an all-star cast including Daisy Ridley, James McAvoy and Willem Dafoe, the pitch was easy to understand: a time loop point-and-click adventure. I made a note to keep an eye on the title, and Devindra Hardawar, who reviewed the game, did the same.

Unfortunately, the need to push the story in any — most! — directions leads to some grim choices by the player, and what Devindra calls “mind-numbingly dumb” twists. Tell us how you really feel.

Continue reading.

Apple employees are organizing to push for 'real change' at the company

“We’ve exhausted all internal avenues,” the group says.

A group of current and former Apple employees are calling on colleagues to publicly share stories of discrimination, harassment and retaliation at the company. The collective has started a Twitter account called Apple Workers.

"For too long, Apple has evaded public scrutiny," the group says on its website. "When we press for accountability and redress to the persistent injustices we witness or experience in our workplace, we are faced with a pattern of isolation, degradation and gaslighting." In August, the company put Ashley Gjøvik, a senior engineering program manager, on paid administrative leave. Apple hasn’t yet commented.

Continue reading.

The best streaming gear for students

It’s not just laptops and keyboards.

Being a student is hard, but just because you’re holed up in a dorm room doesn’t mean you should settle for mediocre entertainment. Our updated Student Buyer’s Guide has everything you could possibly need to upgrade from mindlessly watching Netflix on your laptop. That includes deals for TVs, audio gear and the best streaming devices.

Continue reading.

Take a first look at the live-action ‘Cowboy Bebop’

It’s coming November 19th.

Netflix

Netflix's live-action adaptation of classic anime Cowboy Bebop has been a long time coming, and the show finally has a release date. The 10-episode first season will start streaming on November 19th. There’s still no trailer, but we get some stills of the iconic crew, played by John Cho (Spike Spiegel), Mustafa Shakir (Jet Black) and Daniella Pineda (Faye Valentine). There’s a corgi, too.

Continue reading.

Virgin Orbit plans to go public

It’ll go on the Nasdaq exchange to fund its space satellite project.

Mike Blake / Reuters

Virgin Orbit, the less glamorous half of Virgin’s space adventures, has announced plans to go public on the Nasdaq stock exchange through a special purpose acquisitions company (SPAC) merger. The deal with NextGen Acquisition Corp. II values Virgin Orbit at $3.2 billion.

The combined company is expected to pull in up to $483 million in cash when the deal closes, and it plans to scale up its rocket manufacturing. The first spaceflight company to go public through a SPAC, and the company that really kicked off the SPAC trend was Virgin Galactic back in 2019, which sought to fund its tourist trips to space. Yeah, the more exciting facet of space companies.

Continue reading.

The biggest stories you might have missed

The best laptops for college students

'Outriders' is perfectly average, making it ideal for Xbox Game Pass

Teardown shows the Playdate won't suffer from controller drift like the Switch

Rare commemorative Game & Watch handheld sells for $9,100 at auction

T-Mobile is giving customers a free year of Apple TV+

Data leak exposed 38 million records, including COVID-19 vaccination statuses

The OnePlus Buds Pro feature smart ANC and a white-noise mode

from Mike Granich https://www.engadget.com/the-morning-after-crypto-heist-hacker-returns-all-610-million-they-stole-111630131.html?src=rss

[lordendsavior]

Olly Alexander, the frontman of the British band Years & Years, has blood-red dyed hair. He wears a brass safety pin through one ear and sometimes grins so widely, so wildly, that the edges of his mouth seem to disappear around his narrow, fine-boned face. What soon draws the eye is a scar on his forehead. “I ran into a brick wall as a kid,” the 27-year-old says over lunch at a cafe in London. He touches the scar. “I was playing at being a Power Ranger. Ouch.”

These days, Alexander plays at being a pop star – and on the surface, at least, it seems like a game that’s going well for him. With the launch of their first album in 2015, Years & Years enjoyed a really remarkable few months. They were named BBC Sound of 2015 in January, promptly going to No 1 in the UK singles chart in March, and likewise topping the album chart in July. The band’s propulsive, 90s-nostalgic dance pop (like Disclosure or Clean Bandit, only up the randiness and add a little disco) caught on. And Alexander made a quick Meghan Markle-like ascent to something like pop royalty. “One of the most influential gay pop stars of this generation,” the Gay Times wrote. “All hail the King!”

Years & Years are a three-piece – also made up of keyboard and synth player Emre Türkmen and bassist Mikey Goldsworthy – but it has always been clear that Alexander is the band’s guiding force, their chief lyricist, a Gaga-like taker of risks when he performs and a political voice, off stage, who has an appealing, glitter-speckled sense of activism. A pithy and witty speaker on LGBTQ+ rights, Alexander has also opened up engagingly about his struggles with mental health. “A lifeline to troubled young people,” the Observer wrote of him, in 2016, around the same time that Years & Years played at Glastonbury. There, Alexander wore an oversized choirboy smock strung front and back with rainbow-coloured ribbons – it was Pride weekend – and made a widely admired speech about battling prejudice. “Shove a rainbow in fear’s face,” was how he put it.

Musicians must pray for debuts like this – to come over credible, commercial, with real-world clout. No brick walls clattered into, no obvious “Ouch” moments. Or were there?

Years & Years are almost done on their second album, due this summer, and from the demos I’ve heard the new music admits a brittleness and vulnerability in Alexander that wasn’t so obvious on the 2015 debut. He is still a fabulous and steely man when in pop-star mode (at the photoshoot, he prowls around in heels and a collared lace bodysuit that make him resemble a steampunk, space-bound Queen Elizabeth I), but he cuts a shyer and less certain figure at lunch.

He arrived with a cigarette pushed behind his ear, and smoked it outside with quick, jittery puffs. Now he hunches over a salad, an elbows-in kind of eater and a nervous giggler. Of his pop-mode confidence, he says, “I wish I carried that around with me in my day-to-day life. But I don’t.” He’s wearing a pair of dungarees that he likes, he says, because they feel “like clothes that give you back a hug”.

As Alexander eats, he talks about what happened in the aftermath of that famous Glastonbury performance, once he was out of public sight. The band had been cheered off, a career high. And once backstage, the musician recalls, he sat down and wept. Inconsolable, feeling lower than he’d been in months. “It happens,” he shrugs. “A falling off a cliff. The pendulum swings.”

“When I was younger,” Alexander says, “I thought that if you were famous and successful, it would mean that you just felt happy all the time. That you would become, like, this mystical creature that people just adored. And so you would adore yourself.”

Alexander doesn’t always make eye contact, and he addresses this next bit at the napkin dispenser between us.

“Obviously I realise how ridiculous that sounds. But it wasn’t until our album got to No 1 that I realised I still believed in it. We’d basically won the lottery. I felt like I’d won the lottery. And at the same time I still felt like the same person I’d always been. And all the things that I associated with my depression, and my anxiety, those periods of feeling really low, they were still there. And I was so annoyed at myself. ”

Alexander talks about first discovering the transformative, strengthening power of a good costume. It was on a trip to Disneyland, when he was nine. “The greatest experience of my life up to then,” Alexander says. “The pomp! The whole make-believe nature of that place. It was very powerful for me.People were all wearing costumes, playing characters. It was this other reality where fun things happened, more than they seemed to in real life. And I just remember wanting to be a part of something like that.”

Theme parks were a big feature of his young life. Alexander grew up living next door to them, not one but three, first Alton Towers, then Blackpool Pleasure Beach, then Drayton Manor. His father helped launch and market new rides in these places, and the family moved wherever the work was.

He was born in 1990, the younger of two sons. His mother ran community craft groups. His father, while employed in the theme parks, tended side dreams of being a professional musician. Of his father he says, cautiously: “Quite a difficult man... Definitely not happy within himself.”

Alexander is more explicit about his own early troubles. “I used to have hallucinations and hear voices and stuff as a kid. Which sounds alarming, but it’s just the way it was.” Also: “I had what would now be called sleep paralysis, from six years old until maybe I was 16. Terrifying dreams.”

His parents separated when Alexander was 13, a daunting and confusing period for him. “My dad had been very absent, even when he was there. Then he left the family and moved away. Our relationship, it feels to me, ended when I was 13.” With his mother and brother, Alexander relocated to a sleepy village in Gloucestershire called Coleford.

Part of Alexander’s conversational charm is that he’ll veer between the frank and sober discussion of the self-doubt and difficulty he experienced as a young man, into brilliantly catty and droll little anecdotes about his upbringing. Here he is, describing his first paid employment – a Saturday job in a Coleford shop called Moonstones. “We sold incense, candles, spellbooks. Um, bongs. Chocolates shaped like penises. Everything you’d need really – a one-stop shop.”

He wasn’t a popular teenager, and was bullied at his secondary school in Coleford just as he had been at his old primary schools. He marvels, thinking back, at his response to this. “I started wearing eyeliner to school. Nail varnish. Choker necklaces.” He put on a costume: a counter-intuitive form of self-defence. “I’d been bullied for years and all I wanted was for that to stop. But at the same time I had this sense that I was different, I was weird, and wearing makeup and crazy clothes was my way of trying to find an identity, in the face of people who were going to rip me apart anyway.”

What brought him out of his “goth phase”, as he calls it, was the music. Alexander chuckles. “I could never really get on board with the bands you were supposed to like.” He couldn’t shake the love for pop music he’d developed as a pre-teen, when pop bands would visit the theme parks his dad worked for. “Remember [the Irish pop band] B*Witched? They came to open a ride once. Then Steps – I got all their autographs.” So when it was time for the school talent show, Alexander chose to sing a TLC song. At home he obsessed over Christina Aguilera videos. He was pop through and through, and wanted to be a star in the mould of all these heroes.

Half by accident, he embarked on a different artistic career first. At 16, Alexander auditioned for the Channel 4 drama Skins, and was in talks about a role. The job didn’t materialise until he was well into his 20s, when he was cast as a creepy student photographer, but meanwhile his agent put him up for other stuff. By the time he’d finished his A-levels and moved to London, he was getting varied work – in Gaspar Noé’s Enter The Void and Laura Wade’s The Riot Club and a corporate video for Google, playing a confused consumer who didn’t know how much he needed the advice of a really good search engine. Probably his peak as an actor came in 2012 when he was cast in a Michael Grandage production, Peter And Alice, alongside Judi Dench and Ben Whishaw.

This West End run coincided, in Alexander’s breezy telling, with the busiest period in his romantic career. “Lot of sex.” He had known that he fancied boys from the age of about 10, though the concept of being gay was something only introduced to him via playground insult; he can remember drawing stick figures in a geography textbook, bewildered, trying to figure out how two men could ever even manage it. These days, Alexander says, “my sexuality is part of my music, part of my identity”, but this was a clunky journey in its early phases and it wasn’t until he arrived in London and got into a first relationship, with the brother of a friend, that he felt he could properly come out to those closest to him.

After that – whoosh. “I figured out that I could pull, basically. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. I realised that, actually, everyone’s pretty horny, pretty desperate at times, and all you needed to do was maintain eye contact and be confident and that was kind of it.” Since then, he’s sampled romance in many of its forms, being single and shagging a lot, being single and not shagging so much, being in an open relationship, being in a celebrity relationship (with Clean Bandit’s Neil Amin-Smith), being in a quieter relationship with somebody unknown – that was the most recent, and it came to an end about 18 months ago. What has he learned? “That the longer you’re single, the more you notice how everyone else is in a relationship. But that’s a whole other thing.”

He says he finds it harder to pull in clubs without the freedom of anonymity he used to enjoy. “I’m having much less sex than I did in my early 20s, for sure.” He’s tried the hook-up app Grindr, but the men he messaged with wouldn’t believe he was who he said he was. “So that didn’t go very well.” After years of living with flatmates, he recently moved to live on his own, in a flat in east London. “The last few months I’ve been wondering, ‘Will I just be alone, for ever? And would I be OK with that?’ I want to be OK with that.”

Thinking of how ill-informed he felt as a kid, and of the anxiety he might have been spared had he only known more and known better, Alexander has resolved to be a public figure who is as vocal and open about his sexuality as he can be. As soon as he was asked, in an early-career interview for a blog, he said he was gay. (This was actually how his beloved grandmother found out: Alexander hadn’t yet got around to telling her.) Last year, he made a BBC Three documentary, Growing Up Gay, that is still on iPlayer and gets broadcast around the world. “I get messages about it at weird times of night.”

Soon after our lunch, he’s due to give the keynote address at an annual Stonewall event. He hasn’t written his speech yet, and is still toying with points of view he might want to get across: that LGBT-inclusive sex education should be compulsory in schools; that LGBT support groups need more government funding than ever; “that yes, we can get married now, but that’s not the end of the story, that’s not gay rights done.” When the event does take place, Alexander will speak about how, as a young actor who went through media training, he was told it might be best not to speak about his sexuality at all. (“I ignored advice.”)

Alexander made an interesting choice, in 2013, when major labels started showing an interest in Years & Years. He entered therapy, specifically in anticipation of what a frontline music career might do to his fragile emotional state. Polydor were still six months from formally signing them.

He knew fame was coming, though – that early?

No, he says. But if there was a chance of the band making it, however slight, he reasoned he’d better be prepared. “And I’m grateful I made that decision. I’ve been seeing the same therapist through the whole process.” Through the band’s kick-starting anointment as the BBC Sound of 2015, then their smash No 1 single King that spring, then their No 1 album Communion that summer. “To go from zero to 100. To have an idea of what success is, your entire life, and then it happens to you. It’s overwhelming. There’s a lot of noise. And people start talking to you differently.”

Which people?

Alexander laughs, frowns – speaks at the napkins again. He starts talking about his dad, with whom Alexander went through an awkward episode after Years & Years topped the charts. By then, father and son had no relationship to speak of, Alexander says. They hadn’t said a word to each other in seven years. “And, um, my dad started tweeting at me.”

A pause. “It’s hard for me to talk about. It’s a hard issue, because it’s tied up with my family, and also his new family. I want to be respectful.”

He doesn’t sound sure whether his father even knew whether what he was doing was public; but anyway, he messaged him over Twitter, in full view of social media. “And it got really, really messy. There were some Years & Years fans who started tweeting him back, trolling my dad. He was talking back to them. It was a real head-fuck.”

However clumsy the timing and the method, was a part of Alexander gratified that he got in touch?

“The best way I can describe it is that when me and my dad last knew each other, when I was 13 or 14, that’s frozen in time for me,” he says. And back then, he continues, he couldn’t have imagined any better future for himself than becoming a pop star and having his father want to be a part of his life again. “But then he did get in contact with me. And it was then I realised that what that 13-year-old wanted, that wasn’t actually possible. Not any more.”

What did the 13-year-old want?

“I realised that a part of me wanted to be successful in music because my dad wanted to be a musician. That a part of me thought, if I became a musician and I did well, he’d be proud of me. Or he’d, y’know, be so sorry for not being the dad I wanted him to be.”

But that’s not how it felt?

No, he says. When they did come together, Alexander noticed that, “I’d become something that my dad was sort of intimidated by. I’d been wanting to be successful, in part, because I wanted to prove something to him. And when that happened, I realised it didn’t feel good, it just felt like… like I’d tricked somebody.”

Listening to demos from Years & Years’ new album, there’s a sense that fatherhood has been much on Alexander’s mind in the aftermath of this episode. Person-to-person, the musician says, he and his father “have very, very minimal contact” right now. But a dad figure stalks the new work. On one song, Alexander sings about breaking with his DNA. On another, it’s as if karmic retribution is being summoned and directed at a “daddy [who] said I never could win”.

Yeah, he says, his father was foremost in his thoughts when he wrote that one. But he’d been thinking, too, about past relationships, those various boyfriends he’d dumped or been dumped by. Alexander sees a clear thread running through it all, from parental to romantic difficulties. “I guess at its heart it’s just not really being able to trust someone who says they love you. If that’s something that’s ingrained in you, then I think it’s hard to get past that.”

We’re finished with lunch. Having travelled deeper into his psyche than he expected to – “normally I would have these mental conversations alone with myself, in my flat” – Alexander starts to wonder about another cigarette, and pats the pockets of his dungarees. I tell him that, yeah, I can see why he might choose to wear clothes that feel like they hug. He smiles.

Before we stand up and gather our things, he asks to add a couple of “bookends” to what’s been discussed. That he experienced a lot of love and support, growing up, from his mother and grandmother. (“I feel I have to say that: My mother loved me! She tried her best!”) And also that he’s profoundly grateful to music, to his band and their followers, to the rainbow smocks and lace bodysuits and the whole pop palaver, for the release-valve it has offered a troubled mind.

“There’s a lot of quite raw emotion inside me,” Alexander tells me. “Obviously. And most of the time it can only come out in these tiny little cracks. One of those cracks – that’s the music.”

[angeltriestoblog]

18

Welcome to my first blog post as an 18 year-old! And yes, I am well aware that I can legally drink and could be sent to jail, thank you very much. (Not that I have any plans to, though.)

I reached this milestone in my life last July 5th. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I decided to not go the traditional route and instead, opted for a trip to Korea last April and a week’s worth of festivities with family and friends.

I kicked off the celebration with lunch at a Korean barbecue place with my parents, then had a feast with my extended family (mother’s side) in Italianni’s.

I even got my cousin, Miguel, to go on with me on the ferris wheel nearby where I tried my best to admire the beautiful view of Manila Bay before us while screaming my head off.

For my actual birthday, I treated my closest friends from high school at yet another K-BBQ place for lunch, and then went to my favorite buffet place with my family for dinner. My friends Junelle, Danna and I also finally pushed through with our months-old plan of dropping by the karaoke bar relatively near to us, which served as a great release for pent-up emotions and a showcase of our non-existent vocal abilities.

This year, I also decided to go out on a limb and hold a project of my own. I was originally planning on giving away some of the old books I had piled up in my room to nearby orphanages, but with the time constraints I had, I couldn’t really afford to execute something so grand. So, with the help of my mom, I decided that it would be best to start small. We bought these tumblers from the nearby grocery and filled them to the brim with candies and chocolate bars, then gave them to the kids selling sampaguita at our church. I was really iffy about writing this part, because I know it’s easy to misconstrue my intentions for doing so: some people will probably just dismiss this as some put-on act of charity posted for clout. But, the experience was just so rewarding for me I had to. The children were all so appreciative, beaming at me, expressing their gratitude through belated birthday greetings and musings of how they could use my little gift for school – it kind of made me feel like my heart was on fire, but in the best way possible.

Anyway, now on to the standard realizations I make sure to include in nine out of ten posts.

This birthday in particular was a big deal for me, for obvious reasons. I had always regarded 18 as the age of independence and freedom: I equated it to having the liberty to do whatever I wanted, go anywhere I pleased with anyone at all, make the big decisions and know the answers to all the questions I’ve been asking my elders since I was a kid. I guess I forgot that I’m not the protagonist of the coming-of-age films I grew up indulging in, but a sheltered kid who has had most things done for her and thus has yet to acquire the basic life skills needed to survive The Real World. My parents said that I’m this way because they wanted to give me a life of convenience, and thus did anything that required me going out of my comfort zone, for me. All these years, I never found myself complaining about it or demanding that something be changed but for some reason, this stage of supposed adulthood has pressured me into thinking that there’s something terribly wrong with this because now, I have so much growing up to do.

Obviously, the biggest life change that I’ll have to deal with would be college: having to balance academics, extracurricular activities and different people in an entirely foreign environment sounded so terrifying for me. People would always tell me that grades have and could never be an issue for me: I was born the Smart Kid™ with a lot of potential, remember? I was generally a star student in all the schools I had attended, and everyone knew about it: I didn’t have to exert any effort to prove myself to those around me, because my grades did the talking. But, suddenly I’m about to enter this prestigious university with a rigorous screening process that takes in the Smart Kids™ from institutions all around the country. How am I expected to stand out in a place like that and get the Latin honors I can’t help but aim for?

Extracurriculars also have a huge bearing and apparently are an essential part of the whole college experience, which is weird to me since I’ve never really committed to a specific club all throughout my grade school and high school life. It seemed like more of a requirement to me than anything else, so deciding which one to join was like playing pin the tail on the donkey with my friends.

And, while I’m on that note: what about making new friends? I do appear to be outgoing and loud—especially if you’ve heard my piercing shrieks in my old Grade 12 classroom—but I’m only like that around those I’m truly comfortable with, and even that number has dwindled over the years. It’s hard to find people with the same interests as I do, and I’m growing more and more unsure of the fact that there are Ateneans who like K-Pop boy groups and laugh at the jeje memes I have in my camera roll. (I will cry if I don’t find anyone who can watch Japer Sniper videos with me.) I haven’t had to introduce myself to a new person in two years both IRL and online and I let them lead the conversation for a long while before I can think of warming up to them.

I also have to learn how to drive, which can come off as a surprise to anyone who’s known me for a while. I’ve always been the type to let go of the steering wheel and cover my eyes when the situation got out of control at the bumper cars. But, once I found out that ADMU isn’t actually the most commuter-friendly of schools, I didn’t really have a choice. On my first day of lessons, I was scared to my very core: my mind couldn’t stop bombarding me with stories of vehicular accidents and picture slideshows of cats that got run over. Although I did pass all four days and am now eligible to have my own license, I still have much work to do before I can take our Civic for a spin along Katipunan: please pray I learn how to parallel park without crashing into anything. I guess it would also be a bonus if I learned how to commute to and from places. I love going out, and I wish I always knew how to get to where I wanted to go and what mode of transportation to take instead of always relying on trikes and taxis all the time.

Since I’m of legal age, I’m also qualified to register to vote. I’ve started immersing myself in current events and politics a few years back, and I witnessed several people my age get shot down by adults when they did so much as express their opinions. “Masyado kang bata,” they’d argue. “Di nga kayo botante eh, wag na kayong makialam!” (But, the indifference of the youth would still be met with biting remarks like, “Wala na ba kayong ibang gagawin kundi mag-Internet? Magkaroon naman kayo ng pakialam sa nangyayari sa paligid!”) So now, I feel a certain kind of satisfaction in finally getting a say in who runs my country. But, at the same time, there’s also an intense kind of pressure since I am expected to discern which candidate serves the people’s best interests and hopefully lead us out of the downward spiral we’re currently making our way through.

It was only very recently—towards the start of the final month of my vacation—that I realized how stagnant I still was a person. Must be surprising for some of you. I feel like I somewhat project this image of being constantly put together. Very rarely do I let myself be vulnerable around other people. This is probably why every time I turn to someone to talk about my problems, I’m always met with reassurance: I, of all people, would have it under control, they say. I have absolutely nothing to worry about.

But, that’s the thing: when we’re on social media, we have this tendency to present only our best selves, turning our accounts into heavily filtered highlight reels. This is not only pretentious but toxic behavior, because of its failure to put things into perspective and show that everyone has their own fair share of both good and bad days. My Instagram feed may be its busy and color-coordinated self at the moment, but it doesn’t show the many nights I’ve spent crying because of how overwhelmed I was by this sudden surge in responsibilities and my inability to handle all of them. I mean, things can seem way beyond your control when your brain refuses to shut up and calm down.

I guess my failure to prepare for everything could be traced back to the beginning of this summer. In hindsight, the goals I had set for my four-month break were all very short-term and not exactly centered on self-improvement. I looked through the bullet journal I was keeping at the time, and found items like “clean my room”, “delete Facebook friends and Twitter followers I don’t interact with” and “buy a new study table” – one word for April 2018 Angel: why? I easily could have used the time to learn a new language or pledge to write 10 posts, maybe even pick up an instrument so I could have started a career as a Soundcloud artist and gotten myself a record deal instead of going to college (Mom, Dad, I’m kidding.) But for some reason, I didn’t even think of setting my standards that high. I spent a lot of time lying on my back, scrolling through the same old timelines several times a day as if the constant refreshing would bring anything of substance in my life.

It's much easier to let the regret paralyze me, to beat myself up for all the mistakes I’ve made and wonder why I didn’t do better. But, we all know that won’t help me get anywhere. As of now, I’m trying my best to be more vocal about my problems with other people so they don’t build up inside of me until I spontaneously combust. I admit I’m also quite the emotional person, so I really want to work on having a rational approach to whatever I’m going through.

I found this thread of healthy coping mechanisms and emergency plans to use during times of distress floating around. In case you guys are too lazy to click on the link, it basically says that you should first identify the trigger thought or whatever is sparking the negative emotions, identify the unhelpful thinking style that you are subscribing to and counter them through coping thoughts and actions to bring your mood back to the center. Twitter user thecolor_teal also says that one important thing to note is that you should never believe in your thoughts without critiquing them.

I’ve been doubling down on the worrying and channeling all that energy on pursuing other interests and planning my life out. I’m on my fifth book in the span of two weeks (I have a post coming up on this, so watch out!) and I just hit the 2k word mark on this post, so I can pretty much say I’m on a roll.  I also came up with three main goals that I want to prioritize as I venture into this new chapter of my life. I read somewhere that publicizing whatever you want to work on, jinxes them in a way but since there’s no scientific evidence to back it up, I’m taking the risk. It could serve as a constant reminder of what I have to do, or pressure me into following through because I’ve put it up here to everyone to see: either way, I win, I guess.

1. Be more involved – maintain a firm stance of my own in issues concerning the country, give back to my community, continue to take genuine interest in the lives of those around me and do whatever I can to help them

2. Be more sociable – judge people less; get to know and interact with people from as many different social circles as possible; learn how to make the first move, engage in small talk (!!!) and not end the conversation with an awkward laugh

3. Be more street smart – be confident when on my own in public places, distinguish when I’m being fooled by people, learn how to get out of sticky situations without having to ask for help

I don’t exactly have everything down pat yet but at this point, it’s become somewhat comforting for me to think that I’m not expected to, and that no one my age knows exactly what they’re doing. We’re all clueless kids with no idea what the future holds and if we’re truly capable of handling it – we’re all hanging on to our empty attempts at reassuring ourselves. Anyone who denies this is probably just trying to make themselves feel better and I’d like you lot to know that we see through you! Despite the sheer hopelessness of our situations, I hope you all make amends with your right to not know whatever the heck you’re doing with your life right now and learn to trust the process. You’ve probably been through worse in the past, but here you are: beaten and bruised and still dusting yourself off from the last time life let you down but still alive and valid and fighting and that’s all that matters. We got this, fellow adult-er. And that is not to be mistaken for adulterer, by the way. That’s not something we should strive to be.