#its so fucking infuriating like sometimes ill find one thats really good

[transexualpirate]

serious post ew look away but i need to vent for a second

it's infuriating how fast i can go from feeling amazing to feeling like actual garbage. just this week i was happy that things are looking up for me and mulder and my little petsitting business was taking off and i was doing good at college only for things to go bad again because it always feels like im not allowed to enjoy feeling happy for too long

i know i sound super dramatic right now but i can't help it thats my natural reaction to things. im dramatic. its who i am.

my roommate is moving out possibly this week and im glad because we haven't been getting along well recently but also the bills are piling up and i was already on the edge of it as it was but i could still maintain things. but i just learned that my landlord wants to raise rent 10% unexpectedly and i know it isn't a lot and i can probably still pay it but it's still scary. it'll be my first time living 100% on my own and i have a cat to care for (thank goodness because if i had to live actually alone i dnt know what id do lol but with a cat relying on me i know im safe) and it's just. i dont know. it kind of feels like a lot. i dont know if im ready for this if ill do well if ill be okay and i hate that so much. everything is so expensive and im looking for a job but it's so so hard to find one i can do while still having time to spare for college and im scared that my grades will drop because this semester has been really hard and I'm really insecure about my own intellectual abilities. and keeping an entire apartment clean by myself. can i even do that. i struggle with keeping my room liveable sometimes what if i fuck up and the house gets super dirty and it's embarrassing and i can never bring anyone over in fear of them finding out what a fucking mess i am. not that my friends come over a lot obviously. i dont know if my friends like me very much. one of them drifted away from me after i fucked up twice once by sleeping with one of her friends and making things super awkward because he fell for me but i dont like him that way and twice because my roommate and i aren't that good right now and my roommate is also a close friend of hers. and i have other friends but i always feel like i cant keep long lasting meaningful friendships if we see each other often because i fucking suck. i think im just a little bit of a mess right now and it's. exhausting. im scared. im scared and money is running thin and i can always ask my parents for more but im scared of doing that too because my mom always makes it seem like i own her something when she gives me money. which i guess i do so it makes sense. but im tired of owning things to people and i was trying to go by without depending on her so much but i guess im not ready for that. im almost 19 and i feel 13 when things started crashing around me for the first time and it's a little more than a month to my birthday which is often a shit time because of bad things that happened there and i dont know dude i dont fucking know i think im just overwhelmed i wish i could go to therapy again but i don't have the money or the time really. at least i have mulder. ill always have my cat. i love him so much. at least i have him. i have to hope things will get better. i have to hope and work for things to get better and i know this because i worked before and it worked. but god im tired and i just wish i could go to sleep and not wake up to bad news for once. i wish i could go to sleep. fucking hell

[figwhine]

ppl on tik tok are like: *makes unfunny full length film with shit joke* *steals tumblr meme from 2014 and butchers it* *”my dad said he’ll stop smoking if this video gets a billion likes”* *racism* *steals another tumblr meme* *e-boy puts chain on $90 pants and calls it new look* etc etc

[mazojo]

Spring 2021 Anime Opinions

Anyways its that time where I go rambling about my anime opinions no one cares about but here we are and I give you my thoughts and recs from what I watched so lets gO. From least fav to best.

Gokushufudou

I dont want to be biased and that bitch that criticizes an animation because god knows I have no idea how to animate but yeah no, not for me... A lot of people have recommended me the manga so I know its good just,,,, the animation made me not enjoy it as much as I would have liked.

Koi to Yobu ni wa Kimochi Warui

Fuck you Ryou. Fuck you Rio. Tamaru my baby I am SO sorry they would do this to you. The only one who deserves to be here and the only reason this is not dead last. Dont watch this its uh very much illegal and Ryou is infuriating and umm I feel like this should be a given but uhhhhh dont romance minors? lol? The opening does slap tho I'll give them that.

Shadows House

I feel like a lot of people will disagree with me here (which is okay!!! its about the different tastes !!) but I just find it painfully boring at times? sksksk like I just sleep through most of the dialogue and yeah its cute but like idk... Although to be fair I am like on ep 4 or 5 so maybe it improves I just need to pull through and finish it. As of now I havent really seen the big scary element people talk about imo but its cute, maybe my mind will change at the end.

Mashiro no Oto

This may be unfair of me to judge fully because I havent continued it either but its okay, not my favorite nor the worst. It reminds me a lot to Barakamon for some reason and I wasnt a big fan of it but take it how you wish asdfgh. I feel like maybe someone with more musical affinity than me that plays an instrument may enjoy this one more but I have very basic music knowledge so alas :(

Subarashiki Kono Sekai The Animation

I put a gif of Kiryu because he is a good boy and the reason why its so high skskss. I feel like if I played the games I would like this a lot more as sometimes the pacing is a bit rushed and all over but I like the premise of the show! It definitely got me curious to check the game.

Ijiranaide, Nagatoro-san

Nagatoro is that train wreck I dont know why I watch but I continue regardless and thats that. Its definetely not a show that is geared towards my likes so its not on my personal favorite list but hey if you enjoy what Nagatoro and Senpai have I aint the one to judge here.

Kaguya-sama wa Kokurasetai: Tensai-tachi no Renai Zunousen OVA

I want yall to know I put Love is War OVA so down in my list with a heavy heart because I absolutely adore the love is war franchise but.... The OVA was a bit much for me. They animated probably my least favorite manga chapters in one same special episode and yeah,,,, sadly not my cup of tea.

Hige wo Soru. Soshite Joshikousei wo Hirou.

This is like a guilty pleasure show too because its like the telenovelas I watch but in anime format and its a soap opera but I like those so I keep watching sksksk. I havent read the source material but I really hope Sayu and Yoshida dont end together because big yikers but apart from that solid premise with mature themes.

Yuukoku no Moriarty 2nd Season

Okay so I'll admit that I have only watched the first ep of this season BUT I believe I have enough judgement of the story because I read the manga to place this here ASDFGHJ. If you read my last post I am not the biggest fan of Moriarty the Patriot but I can respect it for the work it is and I cant say its trash. Its okay, I know people like it so I mean ill watch it at some point and the Irene arc is very poggers so watch it for they.

Fumetsu no Anata e

To Your Eternity is a great show praised by many, and although I am enjoying it so far I think its okay. I think theres a few problems in the execution and pacing imo but I havent read the manga so maybe its just me feeling it. Its alright but not my favorite of this lineup.

Shakunetsu Kabaddi

I enjoy Shakunetsu Kabaddi a lot ngll, I love my sports anime, I still have no idea how the game works because i’m big dumb but the characters are cool and the story is solid. Its mostly your general sports anime but those are my guilty pleasures so take it as you see sksksk. I'm like 2 or 3 eps behind but nonetheless its a nice watch.

Bakuten!!

Bakuten is a fun show!! Its a similar feeling I have to Shakunetsu Kabaddi, the animation is super cool and I really like the character designs! I enjoyed the first eps more than the later ones which made me lose a bit of interest but nonetheless its a cute show.

Bishounen Tanteidan

See, I feel like I would enjoy Bishounen Tanteidan 10000% times more if I knew what the fuck was going on ASDFGHJK. I dont know if im just dumb by the pretty visuals or if I just dont pay enough attention but like I have no idea whats happening half the time?? Specially on the latest eps? Like I get thrown information at me and I just am too busy staring at the pretty opening and characters to get it asdfghj but yeah it has been alright!

Boku no Hero Academia 5th Season

I love seeing Shinsou muak you’re doing amazing bby boy *heart eyes*. Its a bummer because ive lost interest to bnha a bit because of the last arc of the manga and I remember really liking this arc and I still do but because I am bitter due to the manga I havent been enjoying it as much as I would normally but yeah, I like bnha and its been okay so far.

Shiguang Daili Ren

Now onto my beloveds the top 4 are all chef kiss. Shiguang Daili Ren is one I got into at the last minute but it really hooked me, the first episode was very solid and the premise is super interesting tho a bit confusing at times. The animation throws me off a little but I enjoy the characters a lot and I cant wait to see how this is going to end because I have a bad feeling about it but if you like mysteries this is a nice watch!!

Fruits Basket: The Final

Fruits Basket could tell me to do 4 flips backwards and a somersault right now and I would do it for its sake so its to no ones surprise this is high up because its just that good ASDFGHJ. But in all seriousness, Furba is an amazing story which I could go on about but just,,,,,, go watch it,,,,,, Momiji and Yuki brain goes brrrr,,,,,,, The only reason this aint 1 is because I have strong opinions about the Akito parts so we push it back a few spots as personal protest lmaoo

Mairimashita! Iruma-kun 2nd Season

What sort of crafts and sorcery do I gotta perform to convince everyone reading this to go watch and read Iruma? because like?? It started as a joke but it aint a joke anymore ASDFGHJUI. Yeah well I know 99% of people will disagree with placing this second but its my list and my recommendations and I say everyone go read Iruma because its hilarious and it actually teaches you some dope lessons and the characters are amazing and goodnight to everyone reading and watching m!ik <33 (Come on look at Asmodeus and tell me this isn't the best show created, I believe in m!ik supremacy).

Tokyo Revengers

Did I wait for Chifuyu to show up to put him as the gif here? Maybe. Y'all are sleeping on Tokyo revengers and it shows. This absolutely slaps, the manga is amazing, the anime is amazing, the plot is interesting and complicated in a good way, the characters complex, Mikey, Chifuyu, the flavor??? The op and ed also are bangers and honestly one of my favorite animes of the year, go watch it.

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(���)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[jaewvns-blog]

im spitting and screaming into the mf VOID!!! i cannot believe im out here .. rly out here thrivin and ready to give u all my one Love my one life my jb Voice one Heart . my name is bella n you can call me That Bitch for short, i reside in the pst, & im ready to truly do the most w my extra son jae honestly ? kick me out already. im bout to activity check my own ass! no but really i’m so excited and so ? sorry for the shit im about to stir so hold on tight for the wild mcfucking ride and smash that read more

[ MUSE J ] is that PARK JIMIN? since when was he a class of 2017 penn state graduate? oh, wait, nevermind, it’s just JAEWON “JAE” JEE. he’s TWENTY ONE years old, majored in PSYCHOLOGY, and SAYS HE WANTS DONTTRUSTME BY 3OH!3 PLAYED ON A LOOP AT HIS FUNERAL. he’s a bit RECALCITRANT and STOIC, but also very CONCILIATORY and ADROIT. i heard he’s off to a villa in maui with a group of his friends, but as the resident REVELER, who knows how far he’ll go until his friend vacation turns into total island madness? (cis male, bisexual)

jae was always born from a different breed?? thats so lame to say but its so real bc he was nothing like his family . given that he was an only child, his parents directed a lot of attention and time toward him to give him not only a fulfilling childhood but also live vigorously through him which could get so ugly sometimes. they were, as they would put it, “going to be damned if he wasn’t successful in something.”

he was an introverted kid, so they were always forcing him to be social and forcing him into tons of different sports and performing arts in hopes that he would find his knack. jae was young, but he wasn’t stupid and he knew that their intentions weren’t entirely to make him happy but rather make them feel like fulfilled parents. but luckily, throughout all of this, he ended up finding his passion on his own while waiting for his violin lesson. he could hear from outside a room an adult during their own piano lesson and he was so enthralled and enchanted by the sound of the music that he was like yo what the FUCK!!!!

so, in a very jee family way, they immediately put him into lessons and jae fucking fell in love with it. he was so passionate about it that he would eat sleep and shit fuckin piano it was all he wanted to do ever. and honestly ?? the more he matured the better he became. he was a born natural and it was something that made him genuinely happy, something that he wanted to pursue professionally on his own. he knew that by the age of 12

but by the age of 18 that was all ruined

filling in that time gap, things got progressively more difficult for jae. he ( in attempts to make his parents happier ) let them guide his line of sight towards particular majors that he could take up. his parents saw education as a better opportunity for success than a professional piano player did. it was incredibly ironic considering they had so willingly tossed him into the lessons in the first place, but jae had learned from a very young age that his parents were walking contradictions. they would knock him down, making comparisons to the two on whether or not he wanted to be “a lowlife playing piano in old restaurants” or “be unbelievably successful within a realistic career.” it was cold, but jae was used to it. he had to accept those words in order to stay in lessons so he kept his mouth shut for years.

however, pressure between his parents and peers was something always cracking away at him. as he grew up, his talent growing with him, he wasn’t as introverted anymore and instead cocky. he knew he was good and he knew he was attractive because of he thrived off the attention. 

his father died of cancer when he was 16 which was a cruel reality check. it reminded him that everything is temporary and only lit an fire under his mothers ass to be mean as fuck. she threatened to take away his piano lessons if he didn’t become more serious about schooling because she felt he owed it to his father. so, reluctantly, he accepted his fate and did exactly that. it was around that time that jae started forcing himself to show more interest in school ( i.e. he stopped ditching classes, put forth more effort into his grades, etc ). despite how reluctant he always was to actually attend school and willingly advance, once he actually tried, his grades were impeccable. so impeccable, in fact, that high-end colleges started to take notice of him for not only his schooling but his capabilities on the piano as well.

not only was he cocky, he was getting noticed and it was was infuriating. things didn’t really heat up until the end of his senior year when he aced his audition for juilliard and quickly became the schools golden senior. sure, it infuriated a lot of his classmates out of spite and jealousy, but it didn’t piss anyone off more than it did for a kid named andrew . he HATED jae with a burning passion . he was jealous, he was racist, and he was evil. it didn’t faze jae until one night in particular that andrew and his gang of white devils figured out his schedule after following him around and cornered him

in summary, they beat the fucking shit out of him. he tried to put up a fight of course, but he was out numbered. they broke one of his ribs, bruised him up, but more importantly they took a baseball bat to his hand. multiple times. they destroyed it, and it was the beginning of the end

after being hospitalized, he found out he had to get surgery in his right hand which required a metal rod that replaced a bone entirely because of how shattered it was . it would have been fine, of course, if it didn’t throw piano out the window for him, which obviously, it did. the break in his hand was life changing because it’s a battle he still has to face even years later. about two years after he received the initial surgery, he had to get another one to fuse the arthritis that set in. 

he was fucking miserable and was forced to relive the thought every day in rehab, every painkiller he took, and every moment he spent in his room. at only the age of 18, he was mortified, heartbroken and angry. the reminder was too much to bare, making him sometime later take a baseball bat, ironically, to the piano which rested in the corner of his room. his mother tried to seek him help, the rehab center for his hand tried to sick therapists on him, but he never wanted to talk about it. he became cold and resigned and it changed who he was entirely

eventually, his mother gave up and their relationship went stale entirely. however, it wasn’t much of a loss for jae because he didn’t see much of a relationship between them in the first place. after a summer spent in recovery, he became an incredibly cold and resigned person for about a year and a half. it changed his personality and impacted a lot of his relationships negatively. when he was accepted into penn state, he remained pretty aloof from his classmates, lowkey gaining a reputation among his peers that obviously wasn’t that great. he was a heartbreaker and an asshole, and it wasn’t until he met muses c & k that he began to change as a human being. they were just overall really detrimental in bringing out the normal, functioning and kind human being that was in jaewon originally.

now, he’s honestly??? SO FUNNY SDLFJ like hes such a witty smart ass n he’s just so beautiful and always looking for a thrill and a party in everything he does. this trip is a positive thing for him because it’s giving him an opportunity to be with some of his closest friends and really grow and give him an excuse to be free-spirited. sometimes he .. wylin a little too hard but he means well and he’s just my son Okay

I RLY DID TRY AND MAKE THIS SHORTER HELPPEP im so embarassed but um ... if u actually read all of that ? a saint and if u don’t just tell me and ill try my best to sum it up w/o crytyping but ummmm m im a slut for plots so plot w me before i drop dead n ??? delete me blog 

[0n3-h4lv3]

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.