#its on 4 ive been writing for a hour!
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i made a few mistakes in this but u have to forgive me bc theyre not my ocs
(these are mippy (it/its) and nidus (he/him plural), belonging to @doodlerh!!!!)(i hope it's okay for me to draw fanart of them)
#writing the image description for this kinda baffled me but i think its okay??#maybe#anyway these sillies have had me in a chokehold since i saw them so i decided to draw them#also medibang isnt actually as bad as i thought it would be#one might even say that it is good#uhhhh anyway how do i tag this ive never fanarted someone elses oc before#artists on tumblr#digital art#not my oc#nidus#mippy#oc fanart#oc art#oh my god those stupid cows finally stopped mooing#genuinely they have been mooing outside my window LITERALLY NONSTOP for about 4 hours#like. i love cows but. not after the 432nd moo. thank you#okay im gonna post this now
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#OUghh... I've been really sick the past few days like not able to keep food down and had to go to the hospital#to get iv fluids and etc. to stay hydrated lol...#perhaps some sort of stomach virus or something. but still very grrrr for it to happen in the middle of the evil summer of#course#when everything is hot and uncomfortable anyway.. I really wanted to get a sims video and costume pictures finished this week and keep#up writing like 1000 ish words a day for my game. but.. alas... the universe was like... I Think Not#I at least have been able to have some tea and juice and applesauce and like 4 saltine crackers today so#I always think it's funny when you're ill what sort of little things count as successes#like on any normal day eating a few crackers would just be something you don't even give a second thought#to . But when you're really sick it's like .. WOW.. I ate TWO crackers.. amazing.. huzzah... I should get an award certainly#call the press and alert them. I should be in the newspaper headlines for this harrowing feat. etc. lol#I still feel very shaky and weak though.. but am like... hhhhh... when can I work on my projects again...#Also I literaly never leave the house or have contact with anyone so maybe it's not a virus and was more food poisioning or something#since I'm not sure where I'd get a virus even but... regardless... stinky#just complaining since I suppose that is what personal blogs are for lol. I'm a private person in the sense of wanting to proect my identi#ty and like.. I dont want an alexa in my house listening to me all the time and I dont tag my real location on social media or share photos#that could reveal the front of my house or etc. etc. But in all other senses I really don't beleive in holding stuff in. Because it will#just fester. especially when it has to do with other people (like relationship issues or something) but even when its just stuff that only#has to do with you. If something annoys me then I shall let it be openly known. if I'm bothered it will be clear. etc.#Which I guess makes me seem like a Hater And Complainer but I guess I just feel like its better over all to explain and express openly#than to just silently stew and hold everything in and then probably feel worse for it later or something.#Expressing annoyance is kind of like casting the concept off from yourself and releasing it into the wild so that you're not harboring it#anymore. all grievances must be aired eventually. etc. this is a Pro complaining zone lol#If you feel like shit dont hide it. just go 'man I feel like shit'. etc. etc. Cast it off into the universe. be free#ANYWAY... aughhh......... the wizard has fallen ill in his stinky little tower.. pacing the stone floors in tattered robes. hair disheveled#. carefully sipping a single cup of tea over the course of an hour lest drinking too fast upset his fragile stomachs againe..
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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My friend: So what are you up to?
Me half passed out on my bed after completing the mine in Stardew Valley and getting the Skull Key: contemplating all my life choices.
#I've literally just been sitting around for five straight hours#playing Stardew valley#Ive finished two rooms in the community center#and am well on my way to completing a third and fourth#I literally just follow the schedule of wake up eat do chores write fanfic and then play Stardew valley until my eyes decide to give up#it is going to reach no. 1 in my most played switch games#IT IS GOING TO SQUASH MARIO ODYSSEY AND POKEMON SHIELD#two other games i've also just sat and played for 100+ hours so I could beat them#pretty sure Mario Odyssey has like 200 or so hours because I've beaten it about 3-4 times#ITS STORYLINE IS SO GOOD LEAVE ME ALONE#stardew valley
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when will my writing motivation return from the war 😭
#please i just wanna post the next chapter#or at the very least start a oneshot or do literally anything#ive been more tired than usual and i dont like that#im ALWAYS so so tired#sometimes YEAH its because im up til 3 or even 4#but ive also slept 9 hours. 12 hours. and yet ill STILL feel so tired#im too tired to do the things i want to do#and then i feel like ive just wasted my whole day :(((#how many times these past few weeks have i said im gonna get this chapter done huh? and it is NOT done#i love creating and writing but it takes so much energy sometimes :((( and i just dont have it :(((#i feel bad/down -> writing would help me feel better -> too tired/unmotivated to write -> doesnt write -> keeps feeling bad#rinse and repeat lmao#sometimes being nice to urself and waiting for the motivation doesnt work#sometimes u gotta sit at ur desk with a massive mug of coffee and say ''i will WRITE if its the last thing i fucking do''#screw quality its time to write WORDS#anyway. im making myself coffee rn. i will get through this dammit#summer post
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having rly bad burnout + executive dysfunction is so so so much worse when i have to pencil in my creativity on top of like. cooking and cleaning and also my god given right to do nothing at all
#i keep thinking abt like..... i should be writing fics..... i should be doing creative stuff on ps..... developing my ocs....#instead ive been playing the sims for 4 hours straight#and its like UGH i know in the long run i'll be so happy to get back in the swing of creating#ive been sitting on gracierosy sm*t for like 9 months and i swear to god im going to finish it one day#or like. this spotify template ive been working on for infamous for the last couple days#but nope. im going to play the sims until my eyes glaze over <3#wah
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Just finished editing lore and backstory for my aus, especially my piratecove au. Rip i cried a little , a few times. My characters now sorrey
#rare rambling#its 5 am ive been writing and editing it for like 4 hours#bc i was also making a timeline of events and birthdays#also i was listeninng to my dsmmp animatics playlist
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hhhrgh I am So fucking tired. fuck it we slay <- bags under eyes
#i got like!?!? 4 hours of sleep!? maybe!?!?!?!?#its been a while since ive had an insomnia flare-up shit sucks fr.#and i gotta get working on my resume so i can start the hellscape of applications. shit Sucks fr.#but i have so much food in my fridge + freezer godbless. i am Stocked. and i am writing almost every day again.#gentlemen we are balling on the creative front.#winter speaks#personal
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Hii! I just wanna say that Ur fics are amazing! I love them sm! Thank you for posting! ❤️❤️
omg thank you sm 😭😭😭
i love stuff like these it makes me just want to squeeze yall, thank you T_T and OFCCC people like you are the reason I post, and for myself lolll, Ive been inactive these past couple days because of the monster fic I've been working on, so keep an eye out for that }:))
BUT SERIOUSLY THANK YOU SO MUCH, you're too nice to me 😭😭😭
#text#coffin talks#anon ask#i love you mysterious people#its almost 4 am and ive been writing for SEVEN hours for a DIFFERNT fic#ill be gone now
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Maybe ignoring my grief is detrimental to my overall mental health
Idk what else to do tho
#speculation nation#negative/#kinda.#like idk. part of me is like 'its been almost 2 weeks i should be over this by now'#then the other part is like 'it hasnt even been two weeks. of course youre still fucked up about it.'#i keep failing to write and it's frustrating bc i want to progress the story already#but ive barely been able to write since then Anyways#the chapter i got out was mostly written by the time it happened. i just kinda scrounged around to get the last part done#so i could have Something to post...#but anytime i look at that chapter i remember poking at it while in the waiting room for almost 4 fucking hours#and it's hard to feel joy from it all. im mostly just miserable.#sometimes you experience one of the worst days of your life & you just have to keep going on like nothing happened#it's been almost two weeks. it hasnt even been two weeks.#but life goes on. i just want to be over it.#im hoping getting the cat tomorrow will help. i need to move on already.
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youtube
its a bo night for no reason???
#i clicked goodbye so i could write for 4 minutes and then the bridge got me#and ive been here for 2 hours since#anyway#quincy energy#we're working regardless#its not the last of us fic im supposed to be writing#but its my BOY#Youtube
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RP:
Log 224
FTL: I am officially declaring the eradication of FTLR-3 a success. In reality, it should never have even taken this long. It wouldn't have, if FTLR-3 were a normal Rot. But my incredibly cobbled-together and extremely risky plan worked. I've also gotten confirmation about Songs of the Negative Sunlight's state as of now. It all worked out, I should be some form of relieved right now.
FTL: Yet for some reason, I am not. I suspect that Songs of the Negative Sunlight's logs had a more... jarring effect on me than I'd thought. I will not dwell upon it, it is in the past now.
FTL: To describe how the success of the plan went is simple. The Locator pushed FTLR-3's container into the Void, made sure my Overseer was looking, and then waited until the start of the next cycle to confirm that it didn't come back. It, in fact, did not.
FTL: The sense of urgency is gone, and now that I've learned to live with it, it is rather strange. I suppose that could be the feeling that is often described as the aforementioned relief. It could also be said this this was all somewhat of an underwhelming conclusion.
FTL: The question is, what do I do now? I've got my list of potential experiments, yes, but. In all honesty, I think I might just take a break for a cycle. Reply to all the messages I've missed while all this was happening, talk with my Local Group about Songs of the Negative Sunlight.
FTL: It is rather pathetic of me to allow myself to even consider pausing like this, nevermind actually doing it. Though I am pathetic in the first place for messing up so badly.
FTL: To conclude, it's... strange. I feel as though I should have learned something from all this, and maybe I did. I do not truly know. Nor do I particularly care, it doesn't matter at all.
FTL: I will be getting back to my experiments the cycle after this one.
#yea this took so long to write cause ive been playing clangen for the past five hours#time has lost any smidgen of meaning that it had remaining#it is currently 4:13#thank gods that its a weekend#this one is kinda meta for no reason lol#yea sry this log is really really shitty#ftl is tired im tired were all tired and that results in bad writing yknow#gods i hope im not messing up his character too much#cause ive been planning out further plot in which SOME sort of character developement happens#which does render writing ftl at this point in the timeline moderately confusing#man why the fuck do i type like ftl when im tired#maybe bcs i literally based ver typing style off of exactly that#mmm probably#alright im going to sleep#sry for how underwhelming this ending is#rp#finely-tuned line#ftl logs
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im trying (and failing so fucking hard) to resist the temptation to lose my mind and completely resubmerge myself into my homestuck insanity
like its been so long since ive really truly loved the comic as much as i currently do and i want to talk abt it but also i dont want to annoy anyone w it either yknow
like at this rate i want to create another sideblog but i already have like 3 of those and its enough upkeep as it is
#for clarification on the depths of losing my shit im in rn yesterday (two days ago???) i stayed up for like 36 hours straight and#the only thing ive eaten in the past 2 days are 2 packets of those like shitty gas station cheese cracker things#i keep wanting to message my sister abt it but also im pretty sure its really obnoxious and she wants to talk abt more serious things anyway#so it always feels inappropriate yknow#i wish i could just be normal about things man#+ its super weird bc for the past like 4-5 yrs ive been like 'god homestuck sucks' but nope psyche i think its really good again#like yeah there a lot of things are. REALLY BAD abt homestuck. both in the problematic sense and character/story writing sense#but godddd the things that hit abt it fucking HIT yknow#also i read fucking???? fan fiction??? for the first time in whats probably been like 6 years bc of this nonsense. like it is BAD this phase#but yeah i guess im just gonna try to enjoy the fandom high bc its the 1st time its happened for years. since i was like 12 maybe even#homestuck
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#ok so like this is fine bc im not in a horrible mood rn. this is more i feel like complaining bc what im doing is kinda ridiculous#but my memory is so bad that ill probably forget if i dont write it out. but basically 4 days a week i have to come in starting at 7.30 to#water and prep for measurements. then from 9am to 6.15pm i have to nonstop take the measurements. and theyre timed so that means#i get abt 4 min to do anything before i have to take another measurement. which is abt enough time to start to focus and then have to stop#which is very fucking frustrating. and i have to manage data. coordinate for this fucking paper. and keep track of like 10 other things for#work stuff. which means that it takes me like and hour to send easy emails and they come out all fucked uo bc my brain is so shot#but on top of that i also have to fucking do the steps to get set up for my new school in the fall. and like ive officially accepted the#offer but havent talked to my new advisor since then so now theres this weird gap where im like. uh fuck do i ask for wtf im supposed to#do? bc ive been able to do things for like 2 or 3 weeks but then my life started collapsing in around me. and like there r probably#instructions somewhere but i cant fucking read lol. whatever. hes nice i just need to find the energy and words to email him and b like lol#srry everythings been insane. but bc ive waited so long i have to compulsively keep going back to check that ive been accepted like somehow#that would change while im not looking. ugh. and ive also fucked myself over housing wise bc theres a housing shortage in the city and huge#demand of housing on camus so theres a wait list for everything but i cant fucking apply bc i cant get my id to work. and fucking idk who#to call or email abt that. but idk i might have to have roomates for a semester. or my parents offered to give me some extra money for an#apartment until i can get one that doesnt put me in the red on a grad student budget. ugh. i dont wanna do either of those things#but christ do i not want roommates. ill figure something out. its just annoying and difficult from so far away#and it makes me kinda sad bc ppl r like: r u excited?! and im like. i cant really think abt that. partly bc im constanly putting out fires#in the present so theres not really space for it. partly bc i dont allow myself to b excited abt things so as not to get my hopes up.#but just after i accepted i was excited. and now it feels like im reaching my hand out toward a floating light just out of reach. like#its a nice idea but i wont believe until it happens. but that just bc ive become distorted about things#and i dont even get a weekend bc the 4 days of measurement r friday to Monday and i cant fucking relax on weekdays bc ppl r like hey can u#do this??? and there r things i can only do on weekdays so its like ok i guess ill just suffer forever thrn. and my boss texts me like: hey#did u do X? and am like: uuuuuh i fucking dont kno what day it is anymore. i dont understand y we have to meet. lets just not talk bc im#afraid ill say something worrying. so yea its pretty fucked up rn. but this stuff ends on the 24th#then ill probably not take a break and fucking finish the measurements for another project bc i just really need it to b done. i need it#all to b done so i can fucking wash my hands of this and fucking quit and move away at the start of july... or August if i decide i hate#myself that much. ugh. at least the lab has been pretty empty so no ones seen me crying lol#also thr fucking rutgers guy emailed me yesterday like: hey u want this position? and im like bitch u r like a month too late also im in#my cringe fail era. i would not survive at ur school. ugh everything is terrible. 2 or 3 more months then i csn leave this place forever#unrelated
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15/4/24
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Saw the moon
Did well with studying
Gave my cat a fright by cracking my wrist and he meowed at me and came and lay on my lap
Loosemble comeback!
#happiness diary#happiness diary: april 2024#so i did a practice run for my exam#well for one of the essays for the exam cus we haven't been taught everything yet and theres 3 essays#but for this essay i have like 1 hour to write it#i got it done in 40 mins...#but also ive only studied for like 3 hours max over 4 days and i didn't even study for the past 2 days#not even reading#and somehow i managed to write the essay with only 4 minor corrections needed#...#is this what studying is like?#ive never studied before this so i dont know#in my life ive only studied like 3 hours and yet its been really effective?#is it always this effective?#should i have been studying all my life?#i mean ye but would i have passed higher english with a better grade if i did more than listen to the quotes on the way to the exam?#it looks like i would have! and i dont know how to feel about that!#i feel like i played myself out of getting good grades#but i also feel like im cheating cus is studying supposed to be this easy that you just remember everything after a couple hours?#dunno!#anyway im gonna knock out cus i took an antihistamine and the shop bought ones always knock me out#night
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Yes I made this instead of writing. Yes I've been staring at my document trying to remember how the English language works.
#ive been doing sprints in discord w my writing buddies for like 4 hours#uhh in total ive reread the chapter several times and i wrote two (2) sentences#the PROBLEM is that im stuck on a scene#that is necessary to advance the plot#but i just want to write angst!!! not plot!!!!#>:((((#its okay it will figure itself out im on summer break now >:}#i have time#(except for the fact that i need to move out of dorms etc etc but like thats on the side! we're not focusing on that)#summer post#my writing#ataimw
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