#its not that hes going to Traumatize aaron or anything hes just young and having fun. and they can date eventually

[dayurno]

maybe kevaaron could be summerboy - lady gaga......

[hotchley]

heyy sumayyah! firstly: i'm so sorry you got hate asks >:( some people really can't be nice... that sucks. i'm back with my hc to (maybe, hopefully) distract you/cheer you up!! just saying, it's LONG and it's kind of angsty in the beginning lmao sorry oops, but it gets a little better towards the end!! i promise!!

tw mentions of (bad) eating habits, very briefly implied abuse/domestic violence and alcoholism, brief mention of almost-fainting!!

so my own horrible eating habits got me thinking of Hotch who already doesn’t eat that much because of how he was raised (on his father’s bad days, his mother wouldn’t even be able to get up to make food and his father would be batshit drunk anyway, so no one made food and there’s nothing at home, and Hotch is too young and doesn’t know how to cook for himself, and that just carried its way into adulthood even after he learnt to cook (for Sean, because Sean is a growing boy and still has to eat and he would do anything to make sure Sean grows up happy) and even after he gets together with Haley, who always has to check in on him to make sure he's eating properly)

like, man would throw himself into his work, sometimes not on purpose but because he just was so intent on finishing just one more document, and time just slipped by and when he looks up again it’s 8pm, the bullpen’s almost empty, and then he realises that he actually hasn’t ate anything since he had his morning coffee. and after especially bad cases (Vincent Perrotta, Carl Buford, Tobias Hankel, that case on the pig farm, Foyet, etc.) he just, avoids food on purpose, distracting himself by finishing all the paperwork he has, even if they’re not urgent, sometimes even completing the team’s paperwork (as much as he can) just because he feels like he’s failed them. the team doesn't deserve to be bogged down by all these bureaucratic issues but he does, because what good is his role as their unit chief if he can’t even shield them from the evil out there, if he has to send his team into the abyss every single time and every time someone else gets more injured/fractured, and the least he could do is to help out the team with what he’s best with, right? all those behind-the-scenes, messy, cutthroat politics, because it’s okay if he takes the brunt of the scrutiny of the brass and if he could he would not even let the team relive what they’ve been through because they don’t deserve that, they don’t deserve having to recount their traumatic experience in a bloody report that will eventually just be filed and chucked aside but will leave emotional and mental scars on his agents that will never be erased.

or sometimes he’s just stressed out and anxious and food just really doesn’t go well with his stomach, and he opts to skip meals entirely - he drinks coffee only because he still needs to keep awake, to make sure he’s paying full attention on all these cases and victims and his team who deserve his 120%, and because his stomach’s been conditioned to accept coffee no matter what (over 10 years of being in the BAU after over another 5? years as a prosecutor, where he drank coffee like his life depended on it). and sure, he’s lost weight, his ribs slightly showing when he raises his hands to reach for things/take off his sweaters, sure he’s looked a little more gaunt and tired as the years go by, sure he’s had some almost fainting spells in his office after a long day without food, where his vision just blacks out for 5 seconds after he stands up and he has to clutch onto the edge of his desk to stabilize himself, but it's okay to him, because he must be the strong, stoic, reliable leader for his team and he can’t faint in his office, not when the blinds are open and the team can look in and when he knows that Derek, Emily and Spencer are all looking in concerned because he hasn’t left his office all day

and i’m just also thinking about how the team would just, do their best to feed him??? like, when they stop for gas on long road trips to/back from cases, he always doesn’t buy anything besides a coffee (black, as usual, with just a dash of sugar and cream on good days) for himself, but then JJ passes him an unopened nutri bar which she claimed she bought earlier for herself but now 'doesn’t feel like eating anymore', Dave silently hands over a cookie (chocolate chip, his favourite) and stares at him with his eyebrows raised until Aaron accepts the cookie and actually eats it, Derek slips a wrap into his hands somehow and offers to drive because 'Hotch, you gotta finish your wrap', Spencer casually asks Hotch if he can help him finish off this sandwich which he bought but cannot finish, and Hotch looks down and sees a perfectly fine egg and ham sandwich which hasn’t even been bitten into, but Spencer’s looking at him with those eyes (he thinks of Jack and how strikingly alike his sons they are) so he takes the sandwich and eats it, Emily openly challenges him and says ‘here’s the bag of chips i owe you, you better finish it all because i took the trouble of actually getting them or else’ and he goes along with it because he’s learnt that arguing with her is sometimes equivalent to arguing with Penelope, and that mostly ends up with him going along with both their ‘suggestions’ in the end anyway, and on the rare cases where Penelope goes with the team out into the field, she always packs homemade cookies and cupcakes that are so wonderfully bright and colourful, like everything about her, and when she gets to him with those sparkling hopeful eyes and says ‘I made these myself, come on, have a taste and let me know what you think?’, Hotch can’t help but accept it because he doesn’t ever want to disappoint Penelope and make her sad, because her bubbly and innocent demeanour reminds him of Jack and he would never do anything to kill that bright light that is Penelope

aND I’m getting some big emotions. imagine all the subtle (& not so subtle) things the team does just to make sure he eats (regularly) which may include and are not limited to: inviting themselves over to Hotch’s house for homecooked meals (Spencer, Derek), inviting him & Jack out on outings or playdates which most often than not end with them at restaurants where Hotch eats because Jack needs a good role model on healthy eating behaviours and he’s got to be that for Jack (Derek, Emily, JJ), or just showing up at his house/office to leave him baked goods/cooked meals that were always somehow ‘extras’ or ‘leftovers’ (JJ, Penelope, Rossi, Spencer) i'm sorry this got so long!! it was written a little over a month ago when i was procrastinating on my literature essay in the middle of the night, so i got a little angsty LOL. i hope this distracts you somewhat from the horrible ask you got! take care of yourself! sending love and hugs <33

🌙

Putting my answer below the keep reading for scrolling x

Aww thank you for sending it!! When I saw I had an ask, I really thought it was you, and then it was that stupid anon and I was like: Oh okay then... I have to go eat dinner so....

Ohh... his childhood... the poor kid would've been so much smaller, but so determined to do everything for Sean because that's his little brother and he loves him more than anything... I love Haley though <3

He would so do that though. He would tell himself he could eat once he's done something- which is really unhealthy, if you're reading this do not ever withhold food, if you're feeling hungry just eat something it doesn't matter what it is because something will always, always be healthier than nothing- and then he would pick something else up and the cycle would repeat...

He would convince himself the coffee is enough, that there's nothing wrong with his habits because he's never done anything different, but he would know deep down that it's not right. But he still wouldn't eat anything because he knows it'll make him naesous either way.

The worst part is what are the team meant to do in that situation? They can't force him to eat... as much as they may want to, they can't...

YES! The team would have a tally chart of who last had to make Hotch eat, so they would have a rota, and occasionally (all the time actually) they would deviate from said rota and then they would all look at each other and then laugh because eh, it's fine!

That ending was so cute, I love them <3

Noo!! Don't be sorry it go so long, I love it so much!! I might have to work it into a fic... wait... one of them may have referenced JJ giving him in a sandwich, unless that was only in my head lol

[nekojitachan]

Okay, I just felt like writing something Halloween-inspired. This is the start of something new (I KNOW, FINISH SOME OTHER STUFF).  I’m getting back to RP, I promise, but I wanted to post something since I haven’t lately, so here’s this.

Warnings for Mary (so yes, abusive relationship), and mentions of child abuse, mentions of the abusive pasts of our boys.

The Ghost in You

*******

Andrew gave what passed as a glare from him at Wymack as he stalked into the man’s office. “How the hell am I supposed to help Peter Minkin if I can’t understand him, hmm?” he asked in a deceptively mild tone of voice as he slapped his latest case file onto his boss’ desk and narrowly missed sending a pile of paperwork toppling over as a result.

Used to him by that point, Wymack didn’t even flinch or pause in drinking his coffee, merely gave Andrew the finger as if gesturing for ‘one minute’ while he finished his needed influx of caffeine before speaking. “Because that’s why I hired a damn translator last month? Which a shitty little maggot like you would know if you’d attended the supposedly mandatory staff meetings.” Wymack glowered as he folded his tattooed arms on top of his messy desk.

Andrew waved aside the usual gripe as he snatched up the abandoned file, partially mollified that he’d have a way to communicate with the kid. “That’s what Kevin’s ten page summary emails are for,” and ignored – he relied upon Renee to fill him in on any necessary details, but she was currently on sabbatical, off helping out some old Peace Corps friends with a project for a couple of months. Hmm, he had to wonder if the new translator had anything to do with the ‘hot piece of ass’ Nicky had been going on about lately, which was even more reason for Andrew to ignore his cousin. “I’m scheduled for a preliminary meeting with Peter in half an hour, the translator better be there,” Andrew said as he turned to leave the cluttered office.

“It’s already on Josten’s schedule,” Wymack called out. “You’d know that, too, if you read your damn emails!”

That was another familiar complaint which was waved aside as Andrew left, intent on having some more caffeine himself while he checked for any important updates to Peter’s files before the appointment; on the way to the kitchen and then to his own office (a lot less cluttered and disorganized than Wymack’s), he ran into Nicky and Robin, yet managed to fend them off by waving the thick folder in the air. Nicky grimaced, clearly in the mood to talk and unhappy to be denied, while Robin, finally cleared to work on cases of her own after shadowing Andrew for the past few months, smiled and wished him a good day.

It was such a hopeful thought, but highly unrealistic; the children brought to Palmetto Services (nicknamed the Foxhole because of all the stuffed foxes scattered around the place and the playful versions painted on the walls in an effort to soothe and cheer up the kids) were abused and/or traumatized, were the ones who’d been fucked over by the ‘official’ child services system in one way or another and so it had been decided that they needed more specialized attention (that they’d be someone else’s problem).

It meant that Andrew was working with kids who often suffered through the same thing he’d gone through as a child, the same pain and abuse and neglect… and he got to end the horror for them. He got to make it better, but it took a lot of work, a lot of patience and digging and effort, and he knew firsthand the nightmares would still continue even though the monsters had been vanquished at last (at least those monsters).

At least, he did everything he could to help the children assigned to him, so the new translator – Neil Josten – better not fuck things up with Peter Minkin. From what the files said about the boy, he’d been taken into custody from a violent father up on various charges with no sign of the mother, and could barely speak any English. The boy was malnourished and bore repeated signs of abuse (Aaron had done a thorough physical on Peter, and Andrew could tell from the sloppiness of the handwritten notes attached to the copies of x-rays and bloodwork that his brother was furious about the results).

He skimmed the newly added details from his brother and what Seth had been able to unearth about the boy’s father, everything committed to memory, then went to the one prepared play room where Peter would be brought for their first session. It only took a minute for Andrew to reach it since it was right down the hall, and he was surprised to find someone there already.

The person was a young man around his age, perhaps a little younger, and had a couple of inches on Andrew’s five feet. The dark grey sweater he wore hung on his lean frame, the sleeves falling past his hands, and dark brown hair fell onto a handsome face bearing a faded scar down the right side, obscuring what seemed to be brown eyes. “Andrew Minyard?” the young man asked, his voice a quiet tenor and accent bland, lacking in any regional indicators.

“Neil Josten,” Andrew said by way of an answer, and noticed that Josten didn’t offer a handshake nor seem offended when Andrew didn’t do the same. “How’s your Russian?”

“Good,” Josten said then fell silent as he took a step back to lean against one of the bookshelves containing a multitude of stuffed animals.

Not a talker, which seemed odd for a translator, but that was fine with Andrew, who wasn’t much of a talker himself. He checked his phone to see that Abby was bringing Peter, along with a surreptitious glance at his associate; despite the shaggy haircut and baggy clothes, Nicky wasn’t too far off about Josten.

It was just a casual observation while he waited for the kid.

“And here we are,” Abby said as she arrived with Peter Minkin, a bright smile on her face and ash-blonde hair pulled back in a loose ponytail. Even though she was the head nurse practitioner for Palmetto Services and helped run the medical offices where Aaron and Katelyn interned, she often escorted the new or more skittish children around (her or Renee) since she projected ‘safe’ so well with her friendly smile, the colorful scrubs she wore and her genuine kindness.

As for Peter, he appeared small for his seven years (probably the malnutrition), his dark brown eyes huge in his face and his light brown hair cropped close to his skull. He was dressed in a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt and jeans that were a little too long for him, and was obviously reluctant to come near two strange men.

Before Andrew could do anything, Josten moved away from the bookshelf with a stuffed Pooh in his hands and knelt a safe distance from the boy while he spoke softly in Russian. After a couple of seconds, Peter’s face broke into a smile and he gave a shy smile as he reached for the bear; Andrew noticed that Josten was mindful to hand it over slowly and without touching the child.

Josten spoke for about another minute, and then Peter joined in as well. That went on for another minute or two while Andrew’s annoyance grew, until he heard his name be brought up. Peter’s eyes flickered toward Andrew and whatever it was that Josten said seemed to put the boy at ease, to the point that he gave Andrew a slight wave with his right hand.

Soon after that, Josten nodded once and slowly stood up as if mindful not to startle Peter. “All right, I told him that you’re going to talk to him for a while, perhaps ask him some questions but that you’re here to help him and it’s going to be all right, that you won’t touch him.” Something made Josten’s jaw clench for a moment before he went back to the one bookshelf. “No one here will.”

Interesting, that Josten said ‘not touch’ and ‘not hurt’, not that either would happen while Andrew was around. “He’s right,” Andrew told Peter even though the boy might not understand him. “As he said, I’m Andrew, now shall we play a couple of games?” He motioned toward the one table that was already set up with the various coloring books and simple games he used to help him know the children assigned to him better as well as work toward gaining their trust while Josten translated.

The session went by quickly despite Andrew’s inability to talk directly Peter, with Josten only speaking to translate and staying quiet otherwise. Peter seemed to enjoy being able to play with crayons and to draw what were probably meant to be animal shapes, but drew into himself whenever Andrew brought up his father or the one coloring book had images of a man and a woman with a child or children in it.

Probably not a good idea to have Wymack attend any sessions with the boy in the near future.

The session ended with Andrew certain about Peter’s abuse and forming a plan on how to move forward with his treatment, but aware that it would take numerous more sessions. He remained seated when Abby returned for Peter, intent on retaining the slight bit of trust he’d earned with the boy so far.

It was difficult to tell with the overlarge sweater, but when Josten left the room first, Andrew thought Nicky might be on to something about the man’s ass. Also, he’d have to talk to Wymack about having the door looked into since something was wrong with its hinges – the damn thing would have slammed shut in his face if he hadn’t stopped it in time. He also felt a blast of cold, so the air conditioning was acting up.

He stopped by Bee’s office to share his initial observations with her about the boy and go over his reactions to the new case, as well as his workload in general. After about half an hour, they moved on to more ‘safe’ topics (the latest books they were reading, a new bakery), and he brought up Josten. “What’s his story?”

“Neil?” Bee handed over a fresh mug of hot chocolate before she returned to her desk. “David felt that we needed an official translator on site rather than request one on demand all the time. We can’t keep limping along with the various languages everyone on the staff knows, so he brought in a heavy-hitter,” she said with a smile.

Andrew thought about that for a moment, about Josten’s quiet voice and professional behavior. “What does he know besides Russian?”

“That I know about? Chinese, Spanish, French, German and Arabic.” Her smile strengthened when Andrew’s brows drew together. “Yes, I know, impressive.”

“Why’s he working here, then?” One didn’t go into a social service related job for the money, and it seemed to Andrew that someone with Josten’s skills could be working for the government or some big corporation.

Bee was quiet while she sipped her own hot chocolate as if debating what to say. “I’ve only met him a couple of times and David’s been quiet about how he found Neil… but I’m willing to bet that Neil works here for much the same reason that most of us do,” she admitted. “It’s personal for him.”

Andrew thought about that after he left to continue with the rest of his current cases (Isabel and Ryan and Cory), while he worked with Laila on the upcoming court trial for Cory’s prick of a father and spent some time with Robin on one of her own cases. He had just enough time to meet with Aaron for lunch and was satisfied to have an excuse to turn down meeting up with Kevin later that evening to watch some stupid game in a bar, even if it had been too long since he’d gone out drinking or had any ‘fun’.

Josten showed up each day to translate for Peter, a quiet, unobtrusive presence who stood off to the side and relayed what Andrew and Peter spoke as Andrew worked hard to earn the boy’s trust, to slowly try to pry the truth out of him about what his father had done to him and his missing mother. Each day Josten would show up in thick sweaters despite the fall weather still being warm for that time of year, covered from lower neck to hands and feet, his hair barely combed and falling onto his rarely expressive face. He would translate and then leave, and Andrew wouldn’t see him in the break room or the small cafeteria or anywhere else around the Foxhole.

It wasn’t that huge of a building.

“What do you think of him?” Nicky asked during lunch one day, about two weeks after Peter had arrived at the Foxhole. “You’re so lucky you get to work with him – all of my kids speak English or Spanish,” he said with a slight grimace, as if he didn’t adore his cases; he worked with kids facing difficulties due to them coming out or transitioning, often because of their home life or the situations at school.

“He translates, which is good,” Andrew said as he broke apart his cheese sandwich.

“Oh come on.” Nicky rolled his eyes in an exaggerated manner as he leaned back in his chair. “I’ll admit that Neil needs a major wardrobe overhaul and makeover, but he’s still hot. How can you stand being in a room with him every day and not notice that hotness?”

Andrew greatly regretted his cousin finding out about him and Roland, even if it was just a casual thing. “Because I’m working and we’ve said like five things to each other?”

Nicky frowned at that. “Yeah, he’s not very outgoing, is he? Matt’s tried a few times to invite him out to some of our group events but always gets interrupted by something. “ He grinned as he leaned forward with his elbows on his table. “I wish I had my phone out the one time the coffee maker just started shooting water out all over him! It was the weirdest thing but funny as hell! Another time he leaned against the fridge wrong and somehow hit the ice button and the cubes started just falling out onto the floor! I think Neil’s terrified of being around him because of what’ll happen next, the poor guy.”

Well, Boyd was a bit of an eager puppy when he decided to go after something, though not as bad as Knox – there was a reason the men helped Kevin with the sports therapy programs. “Nothing’s going to happen,” Andrew told his cousin. “Drop it.”

“But-“

“No.” Andrew grabbed the rest of his sandwich with the intent of finishing it in his office and ignored his cousin’s crestfallen expression with ease as he walked away.

Still, something about the conversation stuck with him, as did Bee’s. It made him study Josten even more, made him pay close attention to the way the younger man was so patient with Peter, would soften his voice or offer up a new stuffed animal at just the right time (when Andrew had to ask more details about the bastard of a sperm donor). How there seemed to be a darkness in Josten’s eyes when Peter began to give up halting details, when he drew angry red marks on the child images (and the mom images as well).

“Who is he?” Andrew asked Wymack when they met the day before Cory’s trial would begin. “Where did he come from?”

“That’s confidential information,” Wymack said with a stubborn set to his jaw. “Just know that he had great recommendations and leave it at that.”

No, not quite, but the old bastard had installed a better lock on the personnel file drawers after he’d realized that Andrew had gone through them to check up on the last few hires, so Andrew would have to bide his time to read Josten’s file (that or get enough dirt on Seth to have him hack the online version, which might be easier).

His part in Cory’s trial lasted two days, two days of mental exhaustion and barely constrained anger while he was questioned and cross-examined and had to push down the urge to get up out of a damn uncomfortable wooden seat and bash in the brains of some fucking prick who’d dared to harm a defenseless child. Two nights of the memories rushing back to the fore worse than usual, of the demons riding him harder than usual… but it was worth it for Cory to be free, for the prick to receive a guilty verdict, according to the text he received from Laila as he worked on his daily tasks once back in the office.

Perhaps it was that text, or perhaps it was the way that Peter smiled at him when the boy saw him, the sense of progress during their session, but after Peter was gone and Josten went to leave as usual, Andrew spoke up. “Soon I’ll start working in new elements, have him sit in with Bee and try some sessions with Kevin as well. He’s going to need to learn English and get back in classes once he’s stable.”

Josten paused by the door to look back at him. “Yes, I’ve been asked to do a language evaluation of him in the next week or so, and to sit in with Dr. Dobson.”

Still so distant and polite, as always. Andrew shoved aside a thought on if he was like that with other things. “No other cases you’re assisting with right now?”

“A couple.” Josten cocked his head to the side. “It’s fine, I can manage.”

“Is that what keeps you so busy? I don’t see you around here at all.”

Josten tugged the cuffs of his light grey sweater (he always wore grey or light blue, wore such boring colors and clothes) even farther over his hands; Andrew thought he caught sight of faded scars on the long, slim fingers before they disappeared. “I have things to do.”

That wasn’t much of an answer, was it? “What do you think of Peter’s progress so far? Perhaps we can discuss it over a cup of coffee?” Andrew didn’t usually do the whole ‘social’ thing, but there was something interesting about the translator, something that drew his attention the more that Josten tried to hide away.

For a moment he thought that the man was going to say ‘yes’, and then Josten drew in a quick breath as he wrapped his arms around his middle. “No, I have paperwork I need to do. I’ll send you an email with my thoughts,” he said in a rush before he spun around and almost ran from the room.

Surprised by the reaction which seemed almost fearful, Andrew stepped forward to follow Josten and find out what had provoked that response. He shivered as he encountered a spot underneath the air conditioning vent (hadn’t Wymack fixed that yet?) and cursed when the door slammed into him with unexpected force, enough to knock him aside and leave his left arm throbbing with pain; it would have been his head if he hadn’t thrown his arm up in time.

Apparently Wymack hadn’t fixed that, either.

Josten forgotten for the moment, Andrew cradled his sore arm against his chest as he stalked down the hallway to go have a ‘nice’ chat with his boss.

*******

Neil frowned when he noticed that the grapefruit weren’t on sale anymore, but perked up when the green apples and pomegranates were instead, both of which he stocked up on until he felt a harsh tug on his hair. He grabbed some radishes and yams since they were cheap enough to pass without complaint (and the few vegetables he didn’t mind), then left the produce section with some regret.

Chicken thighs were on sale as well, so he grabbed a couple of packages with a whispered ‘I’ll freeze some’, then checked to see what cheese was marked down and got some decent cheddar. He managed not to sigh over the ramen packages he added to the cart, and at least would have the chicken, radishes and yams to make a proper meal out of it, and got a loaf of not quite the cheapest white bread along with a jar of peanut butter.

He grabbed some more shampoo, laundry soap and toilet paper, then saved the first aid aisle for last where he stocked up on bandages and antibacterial ointment. At least he didn’t need hair dye for a few more weeks, he thought to himself as he headed to pay for everything, mindful to pick a different cashier than last time.

The young woman smiled at him while she rang up his purchases, talking all the while about how she loved ramen, too, and wanted to try making an apple pie that weekend. He busied himself bagging up the items as they came down the conveyer belt, uncertain as to why she had to talk so much and not just focus on doing her job, and shook his head when she asked him questions along the lines of if he baked (he didn’t like sweets) or if he liked Japanese food (he did enjoy sushi, but it was rare when he allowed himself the treat).

She kept smiling at him despite the lack of answers, and brushed his fingers with her own when she handed him the receipt after he used his debit card to pay for everything. Aware of Mary’s cold presence behind him, he was quick to grab the bags so he could leave, and didn’t flinch when he heard what sounded to be a drawer slamming shut and the woman cry out in pain.

He didn’t know why people couldn’t leave him alone, couldn’t ignore him like he wanted. Why did they have to smile and talk to him? He wasn’t worth their attention, their attempts at friendship… or worse.

Mary tugged on his hair several times during the drive back to the apartment, hard enough to make his scalp burn but not enough to distract him from the road ahead. She waited to ‘speak’ until they were inside with the door locked and deadbolted for the night.

/Did you have to encourage that slut?/ Mary accused as she yanked on his hair again, that time hard enough to bring tears to his eyes.

“How did I do that?” Neil asked as he forced himself to carry the bags into the kitchen, the British accent slipping back into his voice since they were alone. “I didn’t even talk to her and I barely looked at her. Next time I’ll avoid her register,” he promised.

There was another tug to his hair, but that time it was almost gentle. /Good. What have I told you about her kind?/

His head hurting and arms aching from the scratches from earlier which still throbbed, Neil set the bags on the counter and took a deep breath before he recited the words he knew by heart. “That relationships are evil and will only harm me. That people who try to trick me into one aren’t ever to be trusted, that they only want to hurt and use me.”

/Yes./ That time Mary when stroked frigid fingers through his hair, he shivered from both the chill and the gentleness of the touch, from the rare show of affection. /You need me to watch after you, to keep you from falling for their tricks, Abram./

“I know, Mum. You’re always looking after me.” He gave her partially see-through form as grateful a smile as he could summon before he started on the groceries. “How about some tea?”

/Yes./

Once the chicken was put away (most of it in the freezer, as he’d promised), he filled the kettle with fresh water and started it heating up on the stove, then decided that he wasn’t in the mood to cook that night and settled on a peanut butter sandwich with an apple for dinner. He’d just finished making the sandwich, the kitchen orderly once again with the groceries tucked into their places (it wasn’t hard to keep neat considering how little food he bought) when the kettle whistled, so he rinsed out the two mugs to warm them up before he dropped teabags in them.

Mary hovered over the steeping mug set out for her, a pleased expression on her incorporeal face, her long hair drifting about much like the tendrils of steam rising from the mug. Neil allowed his to steep a little longer while he ate the sandwich, the large apple saved for ‘dessert’.

His mother was quiet for about an hour or so, during which he cleaned up after his dinner and took to reading a book in Chinese in the living room’s only chair. /How much longer are we going to stay here?/ she asked as she floated around the bare room, her expression one of displeasure.

Neil marked his place in the book then hugged his knees up to his chest. “I told you, this is a good place for us and there’s no need to run anymore. The money’s enough for all my bills, no one’s questioning my past and I like what I do.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly when she drifted closer. “He’s dead, Mum. No one’s looking for us anymore.” No matter how many times he tried to convince her of that, it never ‘took’ for long; he didn’t know if it was because of all those horrible years of living with a monster, of the harsh time on the run or her terrible death, but she couldn’t move on from the past.

But wasn’t that what made a ghost a ghost?

(And who was he to throw stones at glass houses, when he lived with said ghost?)

There was a blast of freezing air, Mary’s displeasure made evident as she whirled around the chair and tugged on his hair once more as a furious, sparkling silver blur. /Nowhere’s good, Abram. Everywhere is full of liars and betrayers and murderers, did he teach you nothing? How many times did we think we were safe, only to run away in pain? How many?/

“Everywhere and always,” he gritted out as he forced himself to not lift his arms to protect his head, to try to shove her away (as if that would work). “But he’s dead, Uncle Stuart killed him years ago. That doesn’t make anywhere safe, but… but that’s why I have you, yes?”

The whirling blast of cold eased up and the tugging stopped, right before Mary coalesced in front of him, her head downcast and wisps of hair floating in front of her face. /Yes, that’s why I’m here, Abram. I have to watch after you, have to protect you./

“I know, Mum,” he told her with a trembling smile. “You’ve always looked after me.” She taught him French and encouraged him to keep learning new languages when they were trapped in that nightmare of a home back in Baltimore as a means of distraction, to keep him busy and out of his father’s sight (as much as possible). When the abuse had finally gotten to be too much, she’d stolen money and run away with him, had managed to keep them out of his father’s reach until that awful night in Seattle.

Even after Nathan had nearly caught them, had left them bloody and beaten, Mary fatally so, she hadn’t given up. Her spirit had lingered on after Neil (Nathaniel) had burned her body, had kept him going long enough to reach out to the Hatfords for help (at last).

Neil thought that Stuart suspected that Mary hadn’t entirely ‘moved on’ after her death, that he’d picked up on her presence around him. After all, Neil had to get the whole ‘I see dead people’ from somewhere, not that many other ghosts came around him with Mary constantly there, for which he was grateful. There had to be something special about the Hatford bloodline which allowed Mary to be so powerful as a ghost.

Or maybe it was just more of their lives (and afterlives) being fucked up and cursed.

The debate about him leaving his new life behind settled for the time being, Neil made some more tea and read a little longer, then went to take a shower before bed. He sighed at the sight of the long, red scratches along his arms and even a couple of across his chest, but none of them were deep enough to require any bandages.

That time.

He took care not to scrub them too hard while washing clean, and only looked into the mirror to check his roots (they would be fine for a few more days) before he removed the contacts and brushed his teeth for the night.

Once he was tucked beneath the heavy blankets, Mary took up position by the bed, a familiar sentinel which never tired, never wavered in her duty to watch over him. He missed how she used to sleep in the same bed as him, her back pressed to his, but knew that when he’d wake up from the nightmares that she’d be there to brush cold fingers along his sweaty brow to calm him down, to reassure him that she was there and all was safe.

He was Neil Josten (now), he had a home to call his own, one with a deadbolt and a comfortable bed (even with the gun under the pillow), with no ghosts of people cruelly murdered by his father (save Mary), no monsters in human flesh eager to hurt him lurking about to cause harm. He had a job where he got to help children, something that paid the bills (even if Uncle Stuart had set up an account for him) and allowed him to do something he enjoyed.

He had Mary to watch over him, ever and ever.

It was enough.

*******

okay, pretend i know what i’m writing about here (in general).

[imnoexpertblog]

Here's some stuff to do and listen to.

7/20/18

Are you ready to receive some suggestions to entertain your fine selves? ‘Cause I’m ready to give it.

For those who are local: My dad and brother run NYFO together for Green Bay. What’s NYFO? WELL. “NYFO 7on7 Football is the next generation of player development, no matter your skill set. NYFO is the NATIONAL GOVERNING BODY for 7on7 & Non-contact Football. Our leagues, camps, and training exist to ultimately transition better, safer, and more fundamentally sound knowledgeable players. NYFO is committed to helping every player in our program improve no matter their skill level. By doing so we will ultimately enhance the sport of football, from youth organizations through the NFL. NYFO is ‘Non-Contact’ For parents, ‘non-contact’ can be translated into ‘one-hand touch.’ Without the distraction of full-contact, players can focus on fundamentals. With so much negative media attention given to concussions and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), 7on7 offers parents a safer alternative for kids wanting to play football.” Quick additional info: They offer programs for age groups 8U, 10U, 13U, 15U, and 18U. Go to their website if you’re interested in signing your kids up! Okay but anyway, if you need something to do this Friday you should go to a Bullfrogs baseball game! Bullfrogs “Stars Of Tomorrow” fundraiser family & friend tickets are $18 and include your ticket (duh), a Bullfrogs hat, a hot dog, AND a soda! A damn steal if you ask me. It helps out NYFO and you’ll have something fun to do! All registered players from NYFO get in free with and a portion of the proceeds from family/friends tickets sales going to the NYFO by simply using code “NYFO7on7” at the point of purchase. Go to greenbaybullfrogs.com, click Buy Tickets Now in the top right corner, and enter the promo code (NYFO7on7). Gates open at 6:05pm and the game is at 7:05pm!  See you at the diamond on July 20th! Give them a follow on Instagram! @greenbay.nyfo

I never really blog about music for how passionate I am about it. I have mentioned before that I sing, too. I’d love music even if I couldn’t sing though. Anyway, everyone loves finding new music, right? I’m gonna tell you my most listened to artists and songs on my Spotify. First, I’ll tell you how I found this data. I found this question forum on this link: https://www.quora.com/Is-there-a-way-to-see-my-most-played-artists-songs-in-Spotify. You’ll see in the answer that there’s Spotify.Me or there’s ManageMyMusic to see your most listened to stuff. Spotify.Me is intricate and gives you information like your favorites, streaming habits, and listening insights. Apparently, what I listen to the most is considered to be a bunch of different types of “pop.” I don’t know if I agree with that. They also tell me that “I know what I want” because 84% of my favorite artists are within my most-listened to genre. That I can agree with. It says I’m high energy lately in my streaming choices, but I don’t see it. I have been choosing really chill music, in my opinion. The other link in that question/answer forum is called ManageMyMusic and it gives you a ton of lists; Top artists and tracks for the “Short Term (4 weeks),” the “Medium Term (6 months),” and for the “Long Term (Years).” I’ll give you my top ten for each category, though I know there will be overlapping. I obviously love everything I am about to include so please give this stuff a listen. You’re about to get an intimate peek at my soul.

Top artists -- Short Term (4 weeks)

Jon Bellion

Drake

Milky Chance

Hozier

Andrew Belle

Bazzi

Aaron Carter

Roy Woods

dvsn

Troy Sivan

I didn’t realize that I listened to that much Jon Bellion lately. I mean, he is fantastic. I just didn’t realize I listened to so much of him in the last month.

Top artists -- Medium Term (6 months)

Drake

Blackbear

Tory Lanez

Marc E. Bassy

Jon Bellion

Bazzi

Post Malone

Hozier

Aaron Carter

Sam Smith

I can say for DAMN SURE that Baby has heavily influenced who I listened to these past 6 months. Drake has always been my man but I never listened to Blackbear, Tory Lanez, or Marc E. Bassy before I met him.

Top artists -- Long Term (years)

Drake

Sam Smith

Troye Sivan

Andrew Belle

Justin Bieber

Jon Bellion

The Weeknd

Jessie Ware

Hozier

Tove Lo

None of that even remotely surprises me.

Top tracks -- Short Term (4 weeks)

Jessie Ware, You & I (Forever)

Hozier, Jackie and Wilson

Sabrina Claudio, Orion's Belt

Jon Bellion, Overwhelming

Jon Bellion, 2 Rocking Chairs

Vance Joy, Mess Is Mine

The 1975, Somebody Else

Jon Bellion, The Good In Me

JAHKOY, Still In Love

Young the Giant, Cough Syrup

This is all very "me" lately.

Top tracks -- Medium Term (6 months)

Alina Baraz, Show Me

6LACK, Learn Ya

Tory Lanez, I Sip

Blackbear, moodz (feat. 24hrs)

Marc E. Bassy, 4am

Tory Lanez, Skrt Skrt

Ansel Elgort, Supernova

Bazzi, Mine

Post Malone, Psycho (feat. Ty Dolla $ign)

R I T U A L, Better By Now

This list is definitely Baby-approved.

Top tracks -- Long Term (years)

Justin Bieber, The Feeling

Troye Sivan, WILD

ZAYN, PILLOWTALK

Snakehips, All My Friends

Tatiana Manaois, Helplessly

Bryson Tiller, Don't

Chris Stapleton, Tennessee Whiskey

Sam Smith, Not In That Way

Hozier, Work Song

A R I Z O N A, Let Me Touch Your Fire

Honestly, the first 5 tracks do surprise me a little, but that was back when I had my music on constantly when I was single and home alone quite often. I remember keeping those on repeat for hours at times, so I’m not sure how accurate that actually is only because of that fact. This was all super cool to see, though. Some of it was expected, some unexpected. Either way, I hope I gave you some new stuff to listen to! And you should check out for own profiles. Nice opportunity to learn a little about yourself.

This past weekend, it was pretty warm out. Baby and I wanted to get Nugget a sprinkler so I took the little one with me to the store aaaaand they were sold out. Due to all the warmth. So I bought Nugget some water guns instead. We got 2 smaller ones and 2 larger ones for THIRTEEN DOLLARS, TOTAL. YEAH. This s’mom was shocked by that price, that’s for sure. We played and sprayed when we got home. Baby and Nugget had some fun together. The first thing Nugget did when we filled his gun though was spray me right in the (get ready) vagina. Yes. Then he yells, “I’M SPRAYING YOU IN THE PARTS.” I was like, “Uhhhhh, let’s not spray anyone’s parts and also let’s talk about anyone’s parts. It’s not polite and those are private” LOL. He’s never said anything to me about private parts or anything so that was new to me. He walks into my room when I’m changing a fair amount of the time and I know for a fact he’s seen more than I meant him to, but he has never asked questions, pointed anything out, etc. I think it’s important to set an example for your children in the sense to be comfortable with their bodies and such. This might be a whole new chapter with Nugget! We will see. Enough about my “parts” and back to the water guns. Baby said that on one of the weeks that we don’t have Nugget, that he wants to do a water gun race with me. I got 2 free beach balls from Sprint when I got a new phone last week (among a ton of other free shit, which I'll tell y'all about soon) and Baby said we should see whoever can get the beach ball across our backyard the fastest by spraying them with the water guns. I honestly think that sounds more fun than any idea I've ever had LOL. It reminds me of when I almost bought us both Nerf guns. So, if things are little mundane (or even if they’re not) maybe you and your love should find your inner children together! Get water-balloons and have a water-balloon fight, chalk up your driveway, set up obstacle courses, have a scavenger hunt! You can make it interesting by making fun deals. Whoever loses has to make dinner, for example. I think we will try all of these ideas eventually.

Speaking of shopping with Nugget, I am in the process of teaching him about not asking for toys every time we go. Baby went through a break up after a 3 year relationship before we was with me. He told me that he felt awful that Nugget no longer had two people raising him and Baby made up for that by buying Nugget toys every time they went to the store. I could tell there was a reason why Nugget would ask like clockwork what toy he would get every time we went shopping. I have been working on breaking Nugget of that expectation, as well as working on having him appreciate the things he has at home. I explain to him Daddy and I only have a certain amount of dollars and that its usually only enough to buy what we needed from the store in the first place. He actually understands this concept very well. He always asks why we are going to the store, so I always have the opportunity to tell him what we need to buy. When we went to buy the sprinkler he asked me, "Can we get a toy from here?" and I replied with, "Buddy, remember what we came here for?" He answered correctly about buying a sprinkler. I said in a very positive tone, "Yep and I'm pretty sure we only have enough dollars for a sprinkler. And you also have a bunch of toys at home that you love to play with." We walked by a few things that piqued his interest. As we walked by some bubble-guns, he goes, "Oooh, those look fun. But we only have dollars to get the sprinkler." I was so proud of him for making this connection and also proud of myself for explaining it to him so that he really does understand this. I was raised by people who didn't explain things. It was always a "because I said so" type of world and I learned to accept it. I won't put Nugget in that world, though. I want him to recognize reasoning and be able to grasp why things are the way they are. He is incredibly intelligent and capable of knowing this information. I also want him to trust me and be honest with me as we grow together, so the first step is me trusting him and being honest with him first. Just wanted to share my super proud s'mom moment of the week. I'll be back tomorrow with new recipes for you!

[dweemeister]

The Journey of Natty Gann (1985)

Almost a hundred years after the United States started settling its West, most of the land west of the Mississippi River remained “untamed” by humans. Today, much of the American West still has humans at the mercy of nature. Jeremy Kagan’s The Journey of Natty Gann sees a young, tomboyish girl that endures some of nature’s harshness in her long westward adventure – eventually finding peace with it and surviving. This one of the strongest films from one of the worst decades for Walt Disney Studios; yet the film is all but forgotten. In the years after Walt Disney’s death, the studio that bears his name attempted to make live-action films within the family-friendly confines that Disney himself established, yet making these newer films appeal to contemporary audiences. That tricky balancing act has continued into the present day, yet few have ever succeeded to the extent Natty Gann does.

It is 1935 in Chicago. Sol Gann (Ray Wise) lives in an aging apartment complex with his fifteen-year-old daughter Natalie Sue/“Natty” (Meredith Salenger). It seems as if he has been unemployed for some time, but soon finds a job in Washington state as a lumberjack thanks to the Works Progress Administration (WPA). The catch: he must leave on a bus for the Pacific Northwest immediately. Once he arrives home, Sol is unable to find his child anywhere. Considering his financial desperation, he leaves a note for Natty and arranges for the landlord, Connie (Lainie Kazan), to be a temporary guardian. Connie disapproves of Natty, and circumstances will force Natty to leave Chicago on her own. While traveling west on foot, by train, and automobiles, she will save and befriend a wolfdog from a dogfighting organization and meet a young man named Harry (John Cusack).

The Journey of Natty Gann marks the final on-screen appearance of dancer/singer/actor Scatman Crothers (the voice of Hong Kong Phooey, 1970′s The Aristocats, 1980′s The Shining), who appears in a brief role.

There is no denying that Natty Gann is as sentimental a movie as it sounds. It presents itself as a family film but does not see the need to sugarcoat everything: the dogfighting scene is more violent than expected, we are shown a few instances of a worried Sol calling a prevaricating Connie about his missing daughter, and Natty must fend off someone heavily implied to be a pedophile. Screenwriter Jeanne Rosenberg (1979′s The Black Stallion, 1991′s White Fang… yes, she specializes in animal movies) turns the film into part animal movie, part coming-of-age - when the film concentrates on the latter, it is at its best. This is because Natty is a street-smart Chicagoan who knows how to navigate life in a big city. But when tossed into wilderness without anyone to fall back upon, she retools her sense of resourcefulness and inner courage to suit her passing surroundings. Never despairing, a quiet go-getter by nature, always retaining some shred of optimism within but – unlike many Disney female characters – in touch with her anger, Natty is wonderfully portrayed by Salenger as one of the least Disney-esque female protagonists. It helps to have the Disney label, but The Journey of Natty Gann is an excellent film for youngsters who can take some of the film’s violence.

A sorta-first romance occurs with John Cusack’s character of Harry, but so little is made of this and so underdeveloped is their emotional connection that it seems like just another throwaway subplot in the film’s final third. Cusack, whose career was just beginning and had starred in Sixteen Candles (1984) and Better Off Dead (1985), is like a teenage Humphrey Bogart mixed with a teenage James Cagney (in his non-gangster roles) in this film – even though he does not appear in Natty Gann long, it should be of great interest to his fans.

One cannot ignore the other half of the film, as it is also a decent animal movie. Walt Disney Pictures has a long history of making live-action animal films from Old Yeller (1957) to various incarnations of The Incredible Journey (1963) and others, the studio has produced plenty in that subgenre – even if they might not be the most artistic movies ever made, there is no denying their enjoyability or emotional hold on audiences. To its credit, Natty Gann leaves its wolfdog protagonist as more of an open question, an unpredictable and fickle (like nature itself) aspect of the story that takes his time to warm up to Natty. Trust and understanding is not developed instantaneously, and the relationship between Natty and the wolfdog progresses as she comes closer to reuniting with her father. The film concentrates on Natty, not the wolfdog who never receives a proper name other than “Wolf”.

The canine actor here is a wolf-malamute named Jed. Born in 1977, Jed appeared in four films: a cameo in 1982′s The Thing, The Journey of Natty Gann, and White Fang and its 1994 sequel. His owner-trainer was Clint Rowe, who has trained animals for movies and television for more than thirty years. Ferocious though he might be at first, he wins over Natty’s and the audience’s affections as the film concludes.

From the film’s beginning in Chicago until its closing minutes, this is one of the prettiest films ever photographed with Disney. Cinematographer Dick Bush outdoes himself (1979′s Yanks, 1982′s Victor Victoria) in a setting – because of his British background – he has little experience with. The North American outdoors, as I have already waxed upon earlier, are unlike anything else in the world and often becomes a character of its own when Hollywood movies warrant it. Shot in various places along the route of the BC Rail (westward from Prince George to Vancouver) in Canada, Bush – when the action slows down – captures enormous panoramas of the forests, mountains, and waterways to trumpet the immense scope of Natty’s journey. During more intimate moments (like to emphasize the lack of space in the Chicago apartment complex Natty and Sol live out of), Bush’s camera lingers on conversations without gimmicks – and assisted by a lack of unnecessary editing by David Holden (1979′s The Warriors, 1980′s The Long Riders). And in moments of peril, the camera keeps the action within the entirety of the frame, rather than fragmenting it as it happens too often in contemporary films.

There is nothing more traumatic for a film score composer than when one has composed an entire score for an upcoming project, only to have it entirely tossed out and be replaced with another composer’s work. This trend increased in major Hollywood studios once the old Studio System disintegrated. For Natty Gann, Elmer Bernstein (1956′s The Ten Commandments, 1960′s The Magnificent Seven) submitted a score, rewrote it once, edited some of the cues after the second rejection, but ultimately was dismissed from the film. The already-established, but young, James Horner (1982′s Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 1989′s Glory) came in. Horner’s score recalls the works of Aaron Copland in its musical expanse – Americana music replete with optimistic woodwinds and free-flowing strings. Later in his career, Horner’s compositions for Americana would incorporate tragic motifs like in Legends of the Fall (1994), so Natty Gann represents Horner at his most adventurous and clear-eyed for a film sent in the West. Influences from Copland’s Rodeo appear in cues like “Into Town” (and would be replicated for Horner’s work in 1991′s An American Tail: Fievel Goes West). The final minutes of the film are blessed with two cues – “Farewell” and “Reunion/End Title” – which encapsulate all the emotion building to the only ending that this movie could entertain. It is excellent work from a young James Horner.

To appreciate The Journey of Natty Gann in all its scenic beauty, do not purchase the 2004 DVD/VHS release. That home media edition employs pan-and-scan – a bastardized method of video presentation meant for square televisions, but chops off chunks of the film’s imagery. For a proper letterboxed experience, all editions of Natty Gann legally streaming are presented in the correct format. This review, based on the March 29 airing on Turner Classic Movies’ (TCM) Treasures from the Disney Vault bloc, has been written on the letterboxed version.

Today, Disney is approaching a time where a majority of its live-action/hybrid films are remakes or reimaginings of its animated classics. Longtime readers will notice, thanks to TCM’s periodic bloc, has featured many live-action Disney titles from yesteryear not based on any pre-existing Disney property. Where have lower-mid and mid-budget original films like The Journey of Natty Gann gone? 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954) this is not, nor is it trying to be. In that wonderful modesty, set amidst beautiful landscapes, verdant forests, and shimmering rivers, The Journey of Natty Gann – along with another film with wolves, Never Cry Wolf (1983) – is one of the best Disney films of the 1980s, and ranks comfortably in the studio’s top tier of live-action films.

My rating: 7.5/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. Half-points are always rounded down. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found here.

[purplesurveys]

275

Another one of these because there’s nothing like looking back at your most traumatic years and opening up about them in a room full of strangers. [Elementary School] Do you still remember any dreams you had a a child? Nope. Young or old, I’ve always forgotten most of my dreams upon waking up. What was your favorite game to play back then? I played tons of Filipino games. I’m listing them down even though nobody would know how they’re played–patintero, Chinese garter, 10-20, piko, ice ice water, langit lupa, luksong tinik, and lots of clapping games. Everyone also played dodgeball in grade school. How many best friends did you make through the years? My best friend was constantly Angela even though she made many friends herself and put me aside when we were kids. She has always been my go-to. I was always shy as a kid and so I never made another best friend. How many enemies? Ugh, there was this girl named Niña who was just a huge pain in my ass. She was a consistent bitch and man, she was the devil. Her mom was a complete sweetheart so I don’t know what happened to her. Did anything tragic happen to you when you were little? Yeah, alcoholism ran in my family and it gave me a twisted view of alcohol and family life up until I was around 18.

Did anything absolutely amazing happen? There’s this water resort called Club Manila East that we frequented almost every weekend. I felt like a kid there, made temporary friends, and swam to my 5 year old heart’s content. Its quality has degenerated over the past decade or so and I haven’t been there in that time frame, but I’ll always remember it as one of the places I’ve had the most fun in. How was your relationship with your parents back then? Fine but I’ve always been a little distant with them since they never tried to build a relationship with me. My mom’s position at work then didn’t allow her to be at home whenever I was so I never saw her nor bonded with her. My dad has worked abroad since I was 2, so the same thing happened. Did you believe in cooties? No. That was never a thing here. Did you ever get a cootie shot? A what now??? What was your favorite snack to eat? Oreo O’s and Twix, when they were still flower-shaped. Local junk food was also a favorite of mine. Did you own any pets during this time? I did. I had tons of goldfish. We had chicks a couple of times, too. The house we lived in wasn’t conducive for dogs (too cramped) so we didn’t have one. What was your personality like? My family didn’t really encourage me to try new things, make friends, or explore at all...so growing up, I had no idea how to be and as a result I had virtually zero personality. I was a very shy kid with zero creativity, and was too afraid of people to try reaching out. What was your favorite song[s]? The entire High School Musical soundtrack was my jam. What kind of toys did you like to play with? I liked toy soldiers more than Barbies since I grew up with male cousins who had the former, as well as robots and other action figures. I also played with any kind of set–kitchen set, dollhouses, doctor’s toy set, makeup set, etc. and cash registers since they had so many options to play with. The Play-Doh factory was great fun, too. [Middle School/Junior High] How did your personality change from Elementary to Middle School? My humor became so much darker, even to a worrying extent. I guess it was a result of all the traumatic things that happened in my old house + start of my depression + all my friends migrating to other countries + being isolated from my entire batch because I liked pro wrestling and metal bands at the time + my mom giving me an increasingly difficult time. I started making surveys around this time and one would see the sociopathic answers I used to give; that’s all because of how terrible middle school was. Everyone was fake, puberty killed your moods, and you're struggling to know who you are, what you want, and what you’re supposed to do. What was your favorite thing to do during this time? Staying in my room alone. If I was in school, then I liked staying by myself. I barely talked in this period. I had no friends either. Who were some of your closest friends? Angela but during this time she found other people who were more stable than I was, so I was temporarily alone for a time. I did not become friends with Gab until the seventh grade. How often did you get involved with Middle School drama? I was mostly invisible except for that one weird time in sixth grade when rumors were spread that I was in a relationship with Andi. Just the fact that someone was willing to start a rumor about me was strange in itself hahaha I was such a boring person. The rumor died quickly, and nothing about it was dramatic at all. What kind of "clique" were you in? Or did you not beleive in cliques? I hated the idea of cliques, and I wasn’t in one till late high school. I was literally all by myself. I didn’t even form or join a group with the other loners; it was just me. How did people treat you? I was virtually nonexistent to so many people. Gabie had no idea who I was until we met, even though I knew her since we were 4. Do you look back on these years fondly? Not one bit. Fortunately my brain did me a favor and removed a huge chunk of middle school, so when I try to look back on it, I hardly see anything from that time at all. What was your typical kind of lunch during school? I don’t remember anymore. What school[s] did you go to? I went to an Assumption school in the Philippines. Was it really as bad as some people say Junior High is? At least in my experience, it was. Did you like to read? I did. I read a lot and it was partly why everyone chose to ignore me: because I always had a book with me. What was one good memory you have of this time? Meeting Gab and having my life subsequently get better and easier. Were you still enemies with someone from elementary school? Yes. I haven’t talked to her in nine years. If you could go back and change one thing, what would you change? Let’s keep it simple: for my depression to have never formed in the first place. [High School] Are you still in High School? No, I graduated two years ago. Who were some of your close friends? Athenna, Angela, Sofie, Gabie, Katreen, Hans, Fern, Kaira, Aaron, Chelsea, Eva, Rap, Raf, Jez...man they were a lot and I can’t list them all. We were a riot in high school. Who were some of your enemies? I had no time for enemies in high school. How did your personality change from the previous years? I became more open; for some reason it just happened. I learned how to talk to people. And then it became I wanted to talk to other people. I didn’t want to be all by myself anymore and spend all my weekdays in crippling isolation. Having friends became fun, and it made me look forward to going to school. My days became brighter. Going in, did you really think they were going to be the best 4 years ever? I didn’t think it was going to be the best per se, but I just stayed optimistic about it since I thought I could start off with a blank slate. Were they? (or are they if you're still in High School) Definitely. I grew up a lot, went through a lot, sweated and cried a lot, learned a lot. Things happened that could have only happened in high school and never anywhere else. What's one memory of High School can you look back on and grin? All the times my friend group broke the rules, made a mess, and laughed it off. It’s not high school without some suspense and being a dick once in a while. Did you ever cry while you were in school? Yeah, whenever I got a letter to be given to my parents explaining that I failed a test. I’ve always been grade conscious so those letters hit me super hard. How was your love life? I was crushing on Gabie for most of it. People teased me about Mike and for a time I did consider it, but he was ultimately not my kind of person. How was your social life? Rich. Extensive. Healthy. Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely loved? Yes. Did you have any teachers that you just absolutely despised? Yes, and they all hated me back too. Shoutout to Ms. Tin who was always mega bitchy to me! How were/are your GPA? We don’t have GPA. I did graduate with like a 93. Did you know anyone who got pregnant? No. [There's no time like the present] Do you currently have a job? Nope, I’m only in college and I’m not really qualified for a job until after I graduate from university. What kind of job do you *want* to have? Something that’ll allow me to utilize my skills, obviously. I want to meet new people, but not too many new people that it would give me anxiety everyday. What do you like to do on your free time? These days I like hanging out at Skywalk and talk to my orgmates. Watching videos and eating out has also been my favorite things to do recently. What's your relationship with your parents now? Strained. It never got better from childhood. Do you own any pets? Yup, I’ve had a lovely dog for the past ten years. How many places have you traveled to? Too many to count. We go out of town all the time and I’ve been to several countries as well. Do you own a cell phone? If so, what kind? Yeah, I have an iPhone 8. What are your goals for the future? Get a job and save enough money to move out and subsequently survive on my own. What's your favorite kind of drink? Milkshakes always get me. Did you ever get into the Twilight saga craze? You bet. What about the Harry Potter craze? No. Where is your mind at: The Past, the Present, the Future, or all around? I’m too obsessed with the future. I want to get there already. What's a really good movie you've seen recently? I haven’t seen any new ones in a while. Are you happy where you are right now? Like I said in a previous survey, I’m never happy but at least I’m not asking to die today.

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: Homeward Bound (4/?)

Summary: After Miles and Sawyer follow Claire when she wanders off after her father in the dead of night, Claire and Aaron are safely returned to the beach and head towards the freighter and freedom from the island.

But as Claire learns a few years later, the island has a way of bringing people back…

A fix-it that diverges from canon at S4Ep10 “Something Nice Back Home”, in which Claire becomes one of the Oceanic Six and gets to raise Aaron herself, away from the island.

Rated: T

[Part One] [Part Two] [Part Three] [AO3 Link]

Part Four: The Business of Living

The compensation settlement from Oceanic Airlines is huge. Claire doesn’t think that she’s ever been able to comprehend so much money. She knows that Hurley is a millionaire lottery winner of course, but that didn’t count because it didn’t really affect her, and it wasn’t like money had any real use or value on the island anyway. Perhaps if more of them had been rescued it would have been smaller, but as there are only five of them to share in this pot, it’s almost ludicrous. For a long time, all she can do is stare at the slip of paper that shows how much money has been transferred into her account. Sun has bought a controlling share in her father’s company with hers. Hurley has been giving most of his away to various charities, still convinced that his lottery win is somehow cursed.

It’s Hurley who helps her out in the end. Once the settlement had come in, he was the first person that she had called. Of all of their fellow survivors, he’s the only one who’s experienced this kind of sudden windfall before, going from a dead-end job in fast food to having more money than they know what to do with overnight.

“Hi Claire, it’s good to hear from you. Isn’t it like, the middle of the night in Australia?”

Claire laughs. “It’s six am tomorrow morning. I was up anyway with Aaron.”

“How’s he doing, adjusting to life outside the world of Crazy Island?”

“Really well, actually.” Perhaps the fact that Aaron spent his first couple of months seemingly in constant mortal peril has made him more relaxed now that he isn’t in peril all the time. As she said to Kate back in the New Otherton - she’s adopted Sawyer’s nickname for it, it seemed to fit - Aaron can sleep through anything. For these past few months whilst she’s been living with her mother, Carole has marvelled at just how quiet Aaron is and how well he sleeps. She’s completely besotted with her grandson, and considering the fact that she didn’t even know her daughter was pregnant until she’s already had the baby, Claire’s almost worshipfully grateful for her help. She thinks that there is something in that old saying, it takes a village. Back on the island, there had always been people around to help her with Aaron whenever she was worrying about him, about herself, about her ability to be a mother. She’d always had Sun and Rose and Kate, and any of the other survivors. To them, Aaron was a symbol of hope and new life in a place where there had been so much death and despair, and they were always happy to help. Now, the village is gone, she’s left it behind, and she only has her mother and her aunt. They’re happy to help too, but the fact remains that there are only the three of them.

But she has Hurley too, always on the other end of the phone and always happy to hear from her and hear how Aaron’s doing. Despite him being on completely the other side of the world, he’s probably the one whom she’s still closest to. Sun is closer geographically, but she has her own problems to deal with, and outside of the island, she and Claire inhabit very different worlds.

“My settlement payment came through last week,” Claire begins, but of course Hurley knows that because his own payment came through at the same time.

“Sweet. What are you going to use the money for?”

“I don’t know, that’s the problem.” Claire sighs. “That’s why I called you. Because, well, you’ve been through this before.”

“Yeah, the usual rags to riches story. That didn’t really turn out so well for me the first time. But I get your point.” He pauses. “If you don’t mind being in completely different time zones then I can give you my financial advisor’s number. He’s always handled most of the complicated investment stuff for me, and he can probably help you out and make sure that you can put something away for Aaron’s college fund, or whatever you might need it for in however many years’ time.”

“That would be great, thank you.” The knowledge that she can cast of the responsibility for this huge sum of money onto someone else is a great weight off her mind.

“The only other thing I would say would be to invest in property. Buy a house. Buy your mom a house. That was the first thing that everyone said to me when I won the lottery. Actually the first thing that I bought was Mr Cluck’s. Do you want to buy the Fish ‘n’ Fry where you used to work?”

Claire wrinkles her nose. “Not particularly. But a house sounds like a good idea.”

Hurley gives her the financial advisor’s number and email, and Claire feels slightly more at ease about what she’s going to do with the money, and they keep talking until Claire’s mum comes downstairs and begins making breakfast. There’s still a long way to go, but at least she’s got some kind of direction now. She’s so used to taking every day as it comes and making no long-term plans, even before the island, that it feels strange to be thinking about the far future. It makes it real; she’s really here and she’s really off the island.

Later that day, she starts looking at houses.

X

The settlement is enough that Claire can live pretty comfortably without having to work for a while, especially now that Hurley’s financial advisor has helped her with some lucrative investments, so she takes advantage of that, staying home with Aaron whilst he’s growing. She thinks about setting up a little side business, getting back to the things that she used to love before the island. Having Aaron and having to deal with all the dangers that were constantly befalling them had dampened her enthusiasm, slightly, but now she’s back home with all her astrology books, she remembers her first conversation with Kate, offering to make her chart. Art has always been something she’s been interested in, and something that, even if she does say so herself, she’s pretty good at. She was a tattoo artist for a while, after all, even if at that point in her life she couldn’t stick at anything for more than a few months, so young and angry at the world, desperate to find her place in it.

She’s still not entirely sure of her place in it, but she knows that her role for the moment is being Aaron’s mother, and she’s satisfied with that. Beautifully illustrated, customised astrology charts can wait for a while.

The house they live in is not palatial by any standard, just an ordinary place a few streets away from her mother and around the corner from the park where she walks with Aaron every day. She’s become so used to carrying him all the time that it felt strange to put him in a pushchair, so for now she wears him in a sling similar to the one Charlie made for her on the island. He’s getting a bit heavy now though, and since he’s started to crawl, there’s no stopping him. He shuffles about on his hands and knees at mach three, and Claire laughs as she runs around after him. Sometimes she forgets the lies that they’ve told everyone, and themselves, and she’ll mention something about Charlie to her mum, who just gives a sad smile. Carole knows that there’s something more at work, that what they told the press is in no way the full truth, if it is even the truth at all, but she doesn’t question it, she never probes further. She knows that whatever happened, it was a traumatic time, and she knows that a small part of her daughter was lost to that island forever, and will never come back. But they’re happy, all of them, and the deep sadness that Claire feels when she thinks about those they’ve lost is tempered with the happiness she feels when she looks at Aaron and her mother, alive and well and here with her.

Her new life hits its first snag when Aaron is eight months old, and there’s a knock at the door.

Thomas is standing there.

Claire’s first instinct is to slam the door in his face. She rests her forehead against the cool wood as he knocks again.

“Claire? Claire, please, I just want to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” she snaps through the door.

“Please, Claire, I want to see my son.”

That incenses her, and she wrenches the door open.

“No. You don’t get to see him. You gave up that right when you walked out of his life before he was even born. What, did you get some kind of epiphany when you thought I was dead, or is your sudden paternal urge more to do with the fact I now have a few hundred thousand dollars in my bank account and I can support your precious art, the art that, a year ago, was more important to you than your unborn child was?”

Thomas at least has enough courtesy to look sheepish. She had wondered how long it would take him to come sniffing around, looking for handouts on the pretext of wanting to be a family again. He had been the one to persuade her to keep Aaron, wanting them to be a family, and then he had thrown it all back in her face when he got cold feet. Now that she and Aaron are a family, he wants back in. Now that Claire’s gone through all the difficult parts without him. She shakes her head.

“Get out. Charlie showed more concern for me and Aaron than you ever did, and he only knew me for a month before I gave birth. You can’t just pick and choose parenthood to suit you, Thomas. And you definitely can’t pick and choose it to suit your bank balance.”

His expression hardens, and for a while, Claire wonders if he’ll fight her for parental rights. If that’s what he wants, then bring it on. She’s not letting him back into her life or Aaron’s, and she’ll fight tooth and nail every step of the way. She knows she has support. She has her mum and Aunt Lindsay, both of whom have made their opinions of Thomas and his behaviour very clear. She has Hurley and Sun who can throw so many lawyers at the situation that he’ll be tied up in legal arguments for the rest of his life. If he’s really interested in Aaron, if he really wants to be a father and doesn’t just want to sponge off her, then he can go through all the due process and prove it, but right now, Claire is not giving an inch. If there was one thing that the island taught her, it’s that fear is a powerful weapon when put to good use. She’s never going to not be scared, but if she can channel that fear into something productive, if she can channel it into anger and indignation, then she can use it, and if Thomas thinks that he’s going to deal with the same soft and lovable pushover that she had been before, then he’s got another think coming. The island has changed her, irrevocably so, exposing the inner steel that had always been hidden before.

Eventually though, Thomas gives up without further fight, and Claire closes the door, wondering if she will see him again. She goes back to Aaron in his soft playpen in the living room and watches him playing, his chortling giggles soon lightening her mood and lifting her spirits. Charlie was the only father figure he’s ever known, and he was an infinitely better one than Thomas. One day, she’ll tell him all about his father, but that’s a day so far off in the future that she can safely forget about it.

It’s only a few weeks later that Claire gets the call from Sun, inviting her to come and meet Ji Yeon.

“I’m inviting everyone,” she says, and Claire knows that Kate is the exception because she’s not allowed to leave the country whilst her case is still ongoing. Her trial is still postponed indefinitely but at least she was remanded on bail. “But don’t feel that you have to come. I know that you have your hands full with Aaron.”

She really wants to see everyone again, but she doesn’t want to take Aaron on an international flight. He doesn’t have a passport yet for starters, and at the same time, Claire isn’t all that enamoured by the prospect of an international flight herself. As soon as she got back to Sydney after the press conference, she had vowed never to get on another plane for as long as she lived.

Then she thinks about fear, and using it, and owning it. In addition to the monetary settlement, Oceanic also gave them free passes for the airline, and she might as well use them. Her mum is happy to take care of Aaron for a couple of days. She knows that taking this flight means something to Claire. It’s important to her to get back on a plane and take a step into the unknown, to prove to herself that her experiences thus far have not inhibited her. And she’ll get to see the others again.

In the end, it’s only her and Hurley who arrive; Jack is back practising at the hospital again and could not take the time off. They meet in the airport in Seoul and Hurley envelopes her in a bear hug that she didn’t even know she needed. She managed to get through the flight unscathed, but now she’s shaking with a delayed reaction. They check into the same hotel and order ice cream sundaes from room service just because they can, and they catch up on everything that’s happened since they last met. They speak on the phone regularly, just to check that they’re ok, but that’s different to seeing each other in person. Claire shows him photos of Aaron; she can’t stop taking pictures of him, probably because she didn’t get any when he was first born and she’s making up for lost time.

Lost time. Such a strange way of looking at things. The three months they spent on the island are lost to them now, never to be regained but still indelibly printed on their minds. They’re both thinking it, but neither of them say it, and the subject is changed.

The visit to Jin’s grave is sombre, and the happiness that Claire feels at seeing Hurley and Sun again and meeting Ji Yeon for the first time is mellowed somewhat. But Ji Yeon is a beautiful child, and Claire finds herself in the strange position of giving Sun parenting advice. It’s an odd feeling, imparting all this wisdom that she herself only learned by trial and error, and a part of her wonders if she sounds confident or if she sounds like a fraud, but Sun nonetheless takes everything on board. Motherhood isn’t something that she ever thought that she would be any good at, but now it’s one of the things that defines her. In all the furore after the Oceanic Six came home, the press made so much of her imperiled pregnancy and her having Aaron on the island, it was as if she had been reduced to her motherhood and nothing more. She’s quite glad that things have calmed down now and she can try to get back to a normal life.

As wonderful as it has been to see old friends again, Claire doesn’t realise just how much tension she’s been holding in herself throughout her trip to South Korea until she’s back in Sydney, and her mother and Aaron are waiting for her in the arrivals hall.

[inactivedaddymemeyard]

When You Were Young

Andrew sits on the roof of Fox Tower and contemplates Neil Josten now that he’s sober. Set to the background music of When You Were Young by The Killers

Ao3: here

He had anticipated his cousin and brother’s fearful gazes. He had not anticipated Neil and Kevin to look like they did. He’d caught the tail end of the longest bit of French Kevin had ever bothered to say to the other striker. They were leaned towards each other on a couch that had plenty of space. If Andrew had not seen the blue of Neil’s eyes and smelled the chemicals on him after he’d freshly dyed his hair he would not have recognized the bandaged wreck that was left of Neil. Kevin’s entire body screamed fear and anxiety while Neil’s expression didn’t seem as flighty as usual, his eyes locked entirely on Kevin with a hint of discomfort in them. Kevin looked pale, guilty, and every bit of the coward Andrew knew him to be. Neil looked oddly present, centered, and unafraid, which did not make sense to Andrew. He was tired of looking at them. It was time to leave this building, forever. He didn’t have the capacity to care about what happened to Neil and why his wrists specifically were tender. Neil was a runner and it wasn’t Andrew’s fault he hadn’t ran fast enough.

You sit there in your heartache

Waiting on some beautiful boy to

To save you from your old ways

You play forgiveness

Watch it now, here he comes

Andrew wasn’t angry, but he wasn’t empty either. There was a heat spreading through his chest and arms. He didn’t know what it meant. He had no way of knowing if he was angry at Neil, himself, or Riko. He understood why Riko did what he did, two birds one stone and what not. Why break one guard when he could break both, keeping the Foxes out of the finals and taking Kevin when he had no defense. It was a smart move, though he had wrongly assumed he could break Neil and that Andrew could be broken at all. Andrew sat on the ledge of the building replaying what he knew of Neil and trying to reconcile it with what the rabbit had just said. Neil Josten was not Neil Josten. He was a runner with brown auburn hair, dimmed by the sheen of sweat permanently attached to the injured man, and brown blue eyes that showed honesty where Andrew had expected lies.

“I came back.”

“I kept my end of the deal.”

“Who’s watching yours?”

“If it means losing you, then no.”

Neil’s words bounced around his brain slamming against the predefined images of Neil’s character.

“I came back.” making an obnoxious CLANG as it slammed into “Rabbit”.

“I kept my end of the deal.” Beating itself as bloody as Neil’s body had been over Christmas against “Liar”.

“Who’s watching yours?” cracking “Emotionally removed” with the strength of its hits.

“If it means losing you, then no” shattering “Would drop everyone and everything to save himself.” with a reverberating SLAM.

“I wish someone could love me.” Andrew, age seven, whispered as a star shot across the night sky. His voice was a hoarse whisper from the hour of screaming please over and over again, the sound of it escaping into the night air around him startlingly different than the childish tenor he was used to sounding like. He was laying on the pavement outside his “father’s” house, the cold temperature of the ground soothing to the ache in his back.

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus

But he talks like a gentlemen

Like you imagined

When you were young

Andrew shook the memory from his mind and lit another cigarette. His mind turned to the high daze that he’d lived for the past year or so. His mind flowed through the memories up to the moment he met the conundrum that is Neil Josten. The satisfying vibration that raced up his numb arms when the racquet connected with his stomach. Fast forward to the barely sober drive from the airport where Andrew first glimpsed the vicious wit behind Neil’s quiet exterior. Then to Neil facing off against Kevin with a fire in his eyes so consuming it took all of Andrew’s self-control not to laugh. It was the biggest sign that quiet, flighty Neil Josten was a lie; especially since he’d noticed Andrew’s invasion and had managed to break into their room as well. Then to Eden’s when he’d paid a stranger to knock him out rather than let a secret slip. The next morning when he’d hitchhiked the entire way back to campus and was still standing with that fire in his eyes. To that shady reporter’s TV show, this particular memory was one of Andrew’s favorites, Neil’s fire raged in his eyes and spewed from his lips as if he was prepared to burn the word down if it meant he’d at least burn Riko. That was when Neil Josten had went from interesting to a potential problem. Finally Andrew’s mind made its way to the faux Thanksgiving dinner at the Hemmick’s. Neil had escalated to a problem when he wrapped a bloody sheet around Andrew’s shaking body and was careful to only touch where needed and kept his fingers empty of pressure and weight. Andrew didn’t have the memories of the aftermath of Drake’s death but he knew Neil Josten had chosen to stay and protect. He knew Neil’s oddly detached approach to most traumatizing events had saved the three people Andrew cared enough about to keep.

Can we climb this mountain? I don't know

Higher now than ever before

I know we can make it if we take it slow

Let's take it easy

Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline

On the back of a hurricane that started turning

When you were young

When you were young

“I wish someone could protect me.” Andrew, age eleven, quietly sighed. He had spent the past half hour fighting the older boys to get the last plate of food. He’d won, but as he went to sit in a nearby corner to eat it he spied Jonathan the newest and youngest boy in the boy’s home Andrew was currently stationed in. Jonathan had yet to try to fight the older boys for his meals and was now so thin he looked closer to Andrew’s age than his actual age of five. Andrew saw the hopeless fear in Jonathan’s eyes every time one of the other boys came near him. Andrew saw the bruises all over him from fights the boy definitely did not start or participate in. Andrew watched the younger boy until Jonathan finally made eye contact from his spot under the table. Before he could look away Andrew motioned for him to sit next to him and tossed his roll at the boy to prove his trustworthiness. Jonathan immediately started to quietly cry when he caught the roll, and continued to do so as he crawled over to Andrew’s corner and started to eat it. Andrew didn’t comfort him, Jonathan needed to get used to not being comforted and if Andrew was the one to teach him that then he was lucky. Andrew ended up spending the rest of his time in the boys’ home subtly looking after Jonathan and the other boys too young to defend themselves but too old for the adults to pay attention to. He spent his days brawling and his nights watching over his burdens, silently wishing he had someone to watch out for him.

And sometimes you close your eyes

And see the place where you used to live

When you were young

Andrew forcefully pushed the memory away. He wasn’t that weak little boy anymore. He didn’t protect for nothing anymore. He might never be able to stop the sharp tug he feels when he sees someone in pain but he definitely doesn’t act on it anymore. He made his deal with Aaron because he was alone and didn’t want to be anymore, he would’ve promised anything to get Aaron to love him. He has grown out of that desperate mindset. Aaron and Nicky will never love him and he doesn’t want them to. He had almost broken himself for the last person who dared utter those words and he was never going to give anyone that power over him again.

For some reason his mind went from the days full of the fear of being abandoned again to Neil Josten saying “I came back.”, and the unwavering determination in his eyes. Neil’s eyes were so god damn breathtaking it was unreal. Andrew had been hoping that when the drugs left his system he’d stop finding his mind zoning in on the emotions that pours from his irises. The only thing that had changed was they no longer glowed like a cat’s eyes and were no longer guarded. Andrew wasn’t sure if the emptiness inside of him could handle the depths of Neil’s blue blue eyes and the never ending fire that burned there. Andrew was in no position to be thinking about feelings and emotions. His thoughts turned to the possessive claim Riko had made that proclaimed, be mine or be nothing. He knew Riko thought he’d given Neil and ultimatum, be my bitch and I’ll make the bad people go away. He also knew Neil was done hiding from whoever was hunting him and would never go to Riko for himself. He’d proven in when he’d refused Riko until the asshole had threatened one of the foxes. Andrew wasn’t going to delude himself by thinking Neil had gone specifically for him, it was much more likely that he went out of a sense of comradery. Yet here he was smoking his fifth cigarette and thinking about Neil’s bruised knuckles and shaking hands. Yet here he was thinking about the scars he’d felt on Neil’s torso, and the tight knots of muscle he’d felt beneath them. Yet he was thinking about how nice Neil’s natural hair color would look when the sun set it ablaze to match that intoxicating fire that roared in his ice blue eyes. Andrew would never let himself fall again. But maybe he could see if Neil would let him kiss his perfectly sculpted lips. It wouldn’t mean anything if Neil did let Andrew indulge himself a little. Andrew wouldn’t let it mean anything, but toeing the line might be fun.

They say the devil's water - it ain't so sweet

You don't have to drink right now

But you can dip your feet

Every once in a little while

[ilgaksu]

So @badacts and I came up with this ridiculous spy au and idk lads here’s a preview of the fic for it I’m working on, hopefully it’ll keep you warm whilst I’m crying over finals (cw: graphic depictions of violence - stay safe kids!) 

*

Agent #10-03-18: Josten, Neil Abram.

Aliases: Nathaniel Abram Wesninski, Michael Hatford, Stefan Bernard, Alex Vidakovic, Chris Rey (see attached notes for further)

Status: ACTIVE DUTY

Security Clearance: Delta

Assignment: Fox Division

Gender: M

D.O.B: 19/03/1991

Citizenship status: American, British

Identifying characteristics: Caucasian, blue eyes, notable facial and bodily scarring (see attached notes for further)

Languages: English (Birth), French (Fluent), Spanish (Fluent), German (Fluent), Russian (Fluent)

Specialisms: Stealth and Infiltration, Mafia (National and Overseas), Interrogation

Service History: #77267, #90568, #22110, #45999 (see attached notes for further)

Deployment Precautions: unstable attachment, previous insubordination, pyrophobia, evidence of further masked neuroatypicality (see attached notes for further)

Family Background:

Birth Father: Nathan Wesninski (deceased)

Birth Mother: Mary Hatford (deceased)

Spouse: Minyard, Andrew Joseph (#03-19-10, Active Duty)

Spouse to be informed fully in the event of MIA/KIA: Yes

Body to be released to spouse in the event of MIA/KIA: Yes

Spouse to be in receipt of full pension benefit: Yes

*

Agent #03-19-10: Minyard, Andrew Joseph.

Aliases: (see attached notes for further)

Status: ACTIVE DUTY (RESTRICTED)

Security Clearance: Delta

Assignment: Fox Division

Gender: M

D.O.B: 04/11/1990

Citizenship status: American

Identifying characteristics: Caucasian, blond, bodily scarring (see attached notes for further)

Languages: English (Birth), German (Fluent), Russian (Fluent)

Specialisms: Extraction, Support

Service History: #77267, #90568, #52019, #41734 (see attached notes for further)

Deployment Precautions: previous repeated insubordination, previous high impact collateral damage (high risk), evidence of profound Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder; diagnosed Bipolar Disorder (Type 2)  (see attached notes for further)

NOT TO BE DEPLOYED OUTSIDE OF EMERGENCY PROTOCOL #4I80

Family Background:

Birth Father: Unknown

Birth Mother: Tilda Minyard (deceased, see attached notes for further)

Other:

Minyard, Aaron Michael (#05-19-03, Active Duty (Medical), Sibling)

Hemmick, Nicholas Esteban (#08-05-03, Active Duty, Cousin)  

Spouse: Josten, Neil Abram (#10-03-18, Active Duty)

Spouse to be informed fully in the event of MIA/KIA: Yes

Body to be released to spouse in the event of MIA/KIA: Yes

Spouse to be in receipt of full pension benefit: Yes

*

“Where’s he from?” Lebedev asks, dealing Andrew in. He doesn’t gesture to Neil, but it’s clear who he’s referring to: everyone’s pretending not to stare. Apparently Markov isn’t the first member of the new generation of the Bratva’s bright young things to bring along a boy, but he’s the first to parade him around the shop floor.

“New York,” Andrew replies. Beside him, Neil stirs a little, acting as though he’s been made sleepy with boredom, scrolling through his phone and slung across Andrew’s lap.

After the averted disaster of last month’s introductions, they figured Neil had made them unforgettable as a pair: might as well make use of it. Nikolai Vidakovic was born in the poorest town in Russia, emigrated to America five years ago, and made a living off working for multiple escort agencies in rotation until he was introduced to Markov a year and a half ago. Within six months, he’d moved into Markov’s apartment. Within nine, he’d had his face slashed open by a rival. The story goes that Markov spent forty thousand dollars a head on bounty money, and then dragged the ones who held the knife behind his car. The story goes they had to replace the gravel on the racetrack, since by the fourth man it had become impossible to clean.

The best liars always tell some kind of truth, Neil had said once. Andrew doesn’t have that kind of money, but he knows if something had taken a wrong turn, with everything that has happened to Neil, he wouldn’t have slept until no one could get the blood back out either. After all, Andrei Markov is an obsessive man.

Under the weight of Lebedev’s eyes, Neil shifts on Andrew’s lap, glancing away from his phone and at the table. He scowls, as though registering the new splay of cards for the first time and taking it as a personal insult.  

“Baby,” Neil whines, as if on cue, “Baby, I’m tired.”

“Then go to bed,” Andrew tells him. “Katya will take you.” At the mention of her current name, Renee - sat a few metres away from Andrew and Neil, ever watchful - rises to her feet.

“You haven’t paid attention to me all night,” Neil continues, voice laced with complaint. He slides his hand between the buttons of Andrew’s shirt, curving his fingertips familiar against Andrew’s ribcage, the splay of his body around Andrew’s petulant. As though tugged by a string, Lebedev drops his eyes back to the cards, his own hand twitching in its hold on his glass.

“There’s a lot of night left,” Andrew replies, with a kind of savage amusement. Neil flops against him again, sulky, and Andrew catches Renee’s eye and shakes his head. She sits back down in her chair, hands folded deceptively still.

Lebedev says, “He’s very American.”   

“He’s from Tolyatti,” Andrew says, brusque with it, Neil’s breath hot against his neck. Neil moves and presses his face against Andrew’s collarbone for a moment before leaning up and pressing a kiss against the bare skin over Andrew’s pulse. Andrew grits his teeth, swallows down on a shiver, and doesn’t look at him. After a few seconds, Neil sighs and pulls his hand back out of Andrew’s shirt, flopping back and returning to his phone. Andrew knows the bones of Neil better than his own; he can imagine how the scar tissue glints, dull and shiny, under the dimmed lights with the way Neil tilts his head; can see it in how people’s eyes catch and then tear away when faced with the weight of Andrei Markov’s notice.

“You like them difficult,” Lebedev says. His smile never gets close to his eyes. “Where I’m from we save that for our wives. Your action.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Andrew says coldly, “I’m not married. I’ll hold.” He holds Lebedev’s gaze, noticing the tension in the way he holds himself in the chair. He is more than aware that Lebedev works for Steiner, and that Steiner himself is stood within earshot, leaning against the bar and gilt-eyed to match.

He nods at Andrew. Andrew nods back. And the thing is, Andrew was transient long before he picked up a collection of new names, long before his own tongue fell out of his head; back when his mouth had been sewn up and he picked out each stitch with his bare fucking hands, fingertips nerveless and bloody with effort. Andrew Minyard has been in the process of becoming Andrew Minyard for over twenty five years now, and a large part of that process has been learning the rarity of a better nature in people. Andrew is commended, time and time over, on his ability to anticipate a perpetrator’s future actions, carving them out in a streamlined, sequential fashion for people who have all the required imagination for it but still lack that basic instinct to know - because nine times of ten, people behave on instinct, people are motivated for reasons old as and older than gold, people can be predicted because they fall victim to their own human condition.

Some people can’t live with believing the worst of people; Andrew’s turned it into a career. The point being, Andrew’s been waiting for Alexei Steiner to pull a stunt like this ever since Neil first fell into Andrei Markov’s lap with the word baby clinging to the breath on his lips. For Steiner, finding a weakness so seemingly by accident, a ready-made pressure point waiting for the cooker, has blinded him from looking for anything else. He’s too busy itching to test the limits; of how precious Andrei Markov’s toy is, of how far Andrei Markov will go to keep Nikolai Vidakovic leashed to him. How easy it would be to unravel Markov if someone cut the leash before he could reel it back in.  

“Of course not,” Lebedev says, “Don’t. The fighting, the guilting, the always fucking with the lights out. It’s a waste.” He shrugs, eyes flitting to Neil, who looks at him with lovely, blank eyes, and then back to his phone. With the sleeves of his silk shirt pushed up and the large patches of skin visible through the rips in acid-wash jeans, Neil doesn’t just look the picture of a boy dragged out from the gutter; it’s noticeable that the scars go all the way down. The sense-memory of them under Andrew’s hands has been making the back of his neck prickle every time he sees a flash of thigh all evening.

“Then again,” Lebedev adds, faintly mocking, “Sometimes it’s better if you can’t see what you’re touching, isn’t it? We are not similar men, of course - but I think on that, perhaps, we can relate.”

And there it is. There’s a brief silence as the others in the room eye Andrew and Lebedev; Steiner’s interest is a particular and separate weight. How far are you willing to go?

Internally, Andrew sighs. He has made a career out of predictability, but sometimes, it would be nice to be proved wrong. Neil, for all his ridiculous mouth and Bambi eyes, isn’t as stupid as Nikolai: he knew this was coming, so he merely blinks boredly at Lebedev until Andrew squeezes the hand on Neil’s hip and says, “Get up, Nikolenka.”

“Are we going now?” Neil asks, brightening immediately.

“Soon,” Andrew promises, and lifts Neil off his lap. Neil sighs but lets himself be manhandled, tucking his feet under himself on the sofa. Everyone is watching, Lebedev including, as Andrew, very carefully, choreographing, reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out one of the sixteen credit cards listed under Markov’s name. He places it on the table, making pointed eye contact with Steiner, and pushes it towards him slightly. Gestures to where it lies on the table.

“I’m good for your damages,” Andrew says. Steiner’s mouth quirks upwards.

“That’s very considerate. You didn’t have to.”

“Call it a business expense,” Andrew tells him, and then grabs the nearest empty chair and swings it directly into Lebedev’s face. He feels the bones give the first time, but the sound isn’t distinct until after the third swing; he moves so fast that he gets in that third hit before Lebedev falls off his own chair, scrambling backwards, all insect, as Andrew drops the chair and follows him slowly. He looks at everyone else, on their feet, hands to their guns, and smiles.

“Don’t bother getting up,” Andrew says, gesturing back to the discarded splay of his cards. The fact it’s blatantly a winning hand makes the display all the better. “I’ll fold.”

“I didn’t mean -” Lebedev starts, Andrew hauling him upright.

“I don’t care what you meant,” Andrew tells him, “You’re not supposed to be looking at him,” and kicks Lebedev back to the floor.

Somewhere between breaking Lebedev’s leg and the feel of blood on his face, Neil stands in Andrew’s periphery. Andrew, who for all anyone’s watching knows, is consumed with the habit of violence (repetitive, boring, Andrew is capable of more than a reversal of biology) watches Neil slip his phone into his jeans pocket and saunter towards the bar, looking bored out of his mind. As he passes Andrew, he reaches out and drifts fingertips across the bow of shoulders. It is both for show and for grounding.

“You want me to get you anything, baby?” Neil asks. The biggest tell that he’s Nikolai right now is that he lets Andrew ignore him; just sighs, a little resigned, and heads to the bar. Neil Josten would never let Andrew Minyard ignore the question of what Andrew wants. Over Lebedev, Andrew can hear Nikolai ordering another drink - something with amaretto, sickly-sweet and with cyanide, perfect and perfectly in character.

tbc

[manicfangirlsyndrome]

Over Time, Chapter 3 - Haunted Memories

About: A year and a half. 18 months. More than 550 days. Enough time to change your mind about the people you call your friends. Enough time to change your mind about the ones you don’t. And in a blink of an eye, it  all disappeared.

Rated: M for mature themes.

Previous Chapter: One | Two

Word Count:  1648

Zane tossed and turned in his sleep. It had been quite some time since he experienced a sleep this rough. By this point, the blankets that usually covered him were mainly on the floor beside him, having been tossed off in his fitful slumber. His dream was one of his fondest memories but, in that moment, it felt like some sort of cruel torture by his brain.

Her hug came at him so quickly that Zane was thrown completely off-guard, unable to do anything but brace himself for it. Her grip on him felt almost like she was trying to wrap his whole body in her loving protection. And while Zane was normally very opposed to physical forms of affection, even amongst his closest friends, he found himself very accepting of this particular someone’s need to care for him.

After she released her hold on him, Zane swallow hard as he realized just how much of a burden was lifted off his shoulders. Finally someone outside of his small traumatized group of friends knew about the things that happened back at the lodge.

“Now, let’s good cooking!” Her voice was back to its usual happy, high-pitched tone. If there was one thing he could say about the Meif’wa before him, it was that she always knew how to take care of those around her. “If you need help mincing the garlic, Kawaii-Chan can show you!”

“I’d like that. Thank you, Kawaii-Chan.”

He couldn’t help himself from returning the smile she gave him under the mask he wore. Her radiated happiness was infectious. For the first time since meeting Kawaii-Chan, Zane was very grateful for her presence in his life.

He could feel the tension in his shoulders loosen as they danced from the counter to the stove. Kawaii-Chan watched him and jumped in with helpful tips along the way, the scent of the wonderful meal they were creating whipping around them as they moved. There was something in the way her smile made him forget Aphmau’s screams, a sound that had played on repeat for so long. He knew there would be questions later. For now, they would enjoy this moment of peace, and he would relish in the positive and supportive atmosphere she was working so hard to create for both he and Aphmau.

Dinner was a calm affair. Kawaii-Chan filled much of the silence coming from the others with what she and Kaitlyn had been up to over the past few months, hilarious circumstances Travis, Dante and Lawrence found themselves in, and other minor pieces of information Zane only half-heartedly listened to. It was hard for him to listen to the innocent, safe fun their friends had while the rest of them fought to just stay alive.

Still, her sweet giggles and ear-to-ear smiles were all he could focus on. The solace he was finding in them was confusing and freeing all at the same. Even though Aaron’s absence was heavily felt, just having Aphmau and Kawaii-Chan there with him made him feel more normal. It would do, for now.

Despite their insisting, Aphmau had declined their offer to stay with her for her first night home.

“I’ll have to get used to it, eventually,” she had reasoned with them.

Accepting her decision, Zane and Kawaii-Chan put away the last of the cleaned dishes and leftovers before wishing her a good night and seeing themselves out.

The walk down to the sidewalk was intentionally slow for both of them. The paths home didn’t provide much time for deep conversations as Kawaii-Chan lived next door and Zane lived across the street from her. Kawaii-Chan paused in front of the walkway leading to her own front door, her eyes glancing at Aphmau and Aaron’s home before moving them to Zane.

“Kawaii-Chan wants you to know that you don’t have to deal with all of this on your own, Zane-kun,” she assured, her voice kept low to help make sure he would be the only one to hear her.

“Thank you, Kawaii-Chan, but I’ll be fine.”

“No, Zane-kun, you won’t be if you keep it all to yourself.” The look of concern and compassion was strong and it had thrown Zane off-guard. “Please promise me that you’ll call or text me if you need to talk. Please, Zane-kun.”

Zane swallowed hard as he saw the tears start to build in the bottom lids of her eyes, the sight of them choking him up as well.

“Kawaii-Chan,” he started, his eyes shifting to his feet, “no offense, but we all went through a lot. I-I don’t know if it’s a burden you could handle beyond what I’ve told you. But, it’s alright. Probably for the best, really. Keep you happier not knowing everything.”

His head jerked back up in surprise as he felt his arms being grabbed by her. Kawaii-Chan forced Zane into an eye-lock.

“Zane-kun, please. Whatever happened up there… if you don’t talk about it, you’ll just feel worse. Please, let Kawaii-Chan be there for you like you were for her!”

The stunned young man nodded his head as he stumbled for his words. “Y-y-yes, K-Kawaii-Chan. I promise, then.”

The infamous smile was instantly plastered back on her face, but Zane could still see that it wasn’t quite back to 100% there. He could tell she was doing it for him.

“Kawaii-Chan has to go inside now. Please go get some rest now, ok Zane-kun?”

“I will. And, thank you for everything tonight.”

Her smile grew even bigger and Zane could have sworn she was back to normal.

“Of course!”

Zane watched her retreating form as she made her way to the front door, his feet still in the same spot as she had left him and his arms limp at his sides. He was barely able to muster a wave back at the girl as she closed the door before retreating into her home.

When Zane finally awoke the next morning, he couldn’t help but turn over and stretch out an expectant arm. His dream had felt like he was reliving that day all over again. A small remembrance smile found its way to his lips. Oh, how he missed Kawaii-Chan’s hugs…

Suddenly, the events of the previous day came flooding back at him. His heart and resolve broken once more.

The door to his bedroom flung open. He looked over to see his Garroth coming in with a plate of what he imagined to be breakfast in his hand.

“Zane, wake up. You need to eat up so you can go see Kawaii𑁋 Zane? Oh, baby brother…”

His fingers curled around the fabric underneath them. He knew his face must have given his thoughts away. Zane watched as Garroth placed the plate on his dresser and walked towards him. He mused slightly realizing just how much their mother the oldest Ro’Meave boy was. While Zane got her patience for planning, her skillful manipulation and love of cute things, Garroth had inherited her natural charm and supportive nature.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Garroth’s voice was low when he spoke. At that moment, it annoyed Zane. He didn’t want his brother’s sympathy. What good would it do either of them? He focused his stare on his plate on the dresser.

“What’s there to talk about, Garroth? She remembers nothing. Absolutely. Nothing.”

There was a moment of silence before Garroth spoke up again.

“You never came back to see her last night. I checked with the others. Everyone said they never saw you.”

Zane refused to respond.

“Are you just going to avoid her now? Let things go back to the way they were before?”

Again, Zane remained silent. His body betrayed him as a teardrop managed to escape his uncovered eye and roll out the corner of his eye and into his hair.

“Tch,” Garroth grunted before standing and heading towards the door.

Good. Leave me be.

Garroth turned around and looked at Zane once more.

“I get that you’re in pain, baby brother,” his voice once again low but stern in tone, “and this isn’t how you imagined all of this playing out. Believe me, I do. But please don’t forget that this isn’t what she would have wanted either. She tries to hide it, but some of us can see just how lost and scared she is. She’s lost so much time and none of us know if it’s permanent or not. She doesn’t know it, but she needs you, Zane. She was there for you when you needed her. Even if you can’t be there for her the exact way you’d like to be, at least be there for her as her friend.”

Zane’s grip on the cloth beneath him tightened, but still he was quiet.

As Garroth began to head out the door, he threw one last comment over his shoulder.

“Oh, and her MRI scan is at 9 AM. That’s in two hours, and you know none of us can be there. I suggest you get up soon.”

And with that, Garroth closed the door behind him and thudded his way down the stairs, leaving Zane alone with his pain once more.

As the kitchen came into view, he saw Lucinda, Lawrence and Dante look up at him expectantly. The small group decided to meet up for breakfast before work that morning since they’d all be in the same area.

“Do you really think he’ll show?” Laurence questioned having heard the end of their conversation.

“I really hope so,” he replied. “I’ve already told the others not to go if he contacts them.”

“That’s a good plan. Maybe if he sees that everyone really can’t go, he’ll feel more compelled to be with her,” Dante agreed.

Lucinda took a sip of her coffee, still looking like she didn’t completely trust his plan. “Let’s hope so. For her sake, at least.”

Follow on Wattpad, too: https://www.wattpad.com/story/111727148-over-time

Disclaimer: Characters and some quotes used by Aphmau. Most of the situations the characters find themselves in all my fault.

[dfroza]

Today’s reading from the ancient books of Proverbs and Psalms

for monday, december 7 of 2020 with Proverbs 7 and Psalm 7, accompanied by Psalm 77 for the 77th day of Autumn, and Psalm 42 for day 342 of the year (now with the consummate book of 150 Psalms in its 3rd revolution this year)

[Psalm 7]

A David Psalm

God! God! I am running to you for dear life;

the chase is wild.

If they catch me, I’m finished:

ripped to shreds by foes fierce as lions,

dragged into the forest and left

unlooked for, unremembered.

God, if I’ve done what they say—

betrayed my friends,

ripped off my enemies—

If my hands are really that dirty,

let them get me, walk all over me,

leave me flat on my face in the dirt.

Stand up, God; pit your holy fury

against my furious enemies.

Wake up, God. My accusers have packed

the courtroom; it’s judgment time.

Take your place on the bench, reach for your gavel,

throw out the false charges against me.

I’m ready, confident in your verdict:

“Innocent.”

Close the book on Evil, God,

but publish your mandate for us.

You get us ready for life:

you probe for our soft spots,

you knock off our rough edges.

And I’m feeling so fit, so safe:

made right, kept right.

God in solemn honor does things right,

but his nerves are sandpapered raw.

Nobody gets by with anything.

God is already in action—

Sword honed on his whetstone,

bow strung, arrow on the string,

Lethal weapons in hand,

each arrow a flaming missile.

Look at that guy!

He had sex with sin,

he’s pregnant with evil.

Oh, look! He’s having

the baby—a Lie-Baby!

See that man shoveling day after day,

digging, then concealing, his man-trap

down that lonely stretch of road?

Go back and look again—you’ll see him in it headfirst,

legs waving in the breeze.

That’s what happens:

mischief backfires;

violence boomerangs.

I’m thanking God, who makes things right.

I’m singing the fame of heaven-high God.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 7 (The Message)

[Proverbs 7]

Stick close to my instruction, my son,

and follow all my advice.

If you do what I say you will live well.

Guard your life with my revelation-truth,

for my teaching is as precious as your eyesight.

Treasure my instructions, and cherish them within your heart.

Say to wisdom, “I love you,”

and to understanding, “You’re my sweetheart.”

“May the two of you protect me, and may we never be apart!”

For they will keep you from the adulteress,

with her smooth words meant to seduce your heart.

Looking out the window of my house one day

I noticed among the mindless crowd

a simple, naïve young man who was about to go astray.

There he was, walking down the street.

Then he turned the corner,

going on his way as he hurried on to the house of the harlot—

the woman he had planned to meet.

There he was in the twilight as darkness fell,

convinced no one was watching

as he entered the black shadows of hell.

That’s when their rendezvous began.

A woman of the night appeared,

dressed to kill the strength of any man.

She was decked out as a harlot, pursuing her amorous plan.

Her voice was seductive, rebellious, and boisterous

as she wandered far from what’s right.

Her type can be found soliciting on street corners

on just about any night.

She wrapped her arms around the senseless young man

and held him tight—

she enticed him with kisses that seemed so right.

Then, with insolence, she whispered in his ear,

“Come with me. It’ll be all right.

I’ve got everything we need for a feast.

I’ll cook you a wonderful dinner.

So here I am—I’m all yours!

You’re the very one I’ve looked for,

the one I knew I wanted from the moment I saw you.

That’s why I’ve come out here tonight,

so I could meet a man just like you.

I’ve spread my canopy bed with coverings,

lovely multicolored Egyptian linens spread

and ready for you to lie down on.

I’ve sprinkled the sheets with intoxicating perfume

made from myrrh, aloes, and sweet cinnamon.

Come, let’s get comfortable and take pleasure in each other

and make love all night!

There’s no one home, for my husband’s away on business.

He left home loaded with money to spend,

so don’t worry.

He won’t be back until another month ends.”

He was swayed by her sophistication,

enticed by her longing embrace.

She led him down the wayward path right into sin and disgrace.

Quickly he went astray, with no clue

where he was truly headed,

taken like a dumb ox alongside of the butcher.

She was like a venomous snake coiled to strike,

so she set her fangs into him!

He’s like a man about to be executed with an arrow

right through his heart—

like a bird that flies into the net,

unaware of what’s about to happen.

So listen to me, you young men.

You’d better take my words seriously!

Control your sexual urges and guard your hearts from lust.

Don’t let your passions get out of hand

and don’t lock your eyes onto a beautiful woman.

Why would you want to even get close

to temptation and seduction,

to have an affair with her?

She has pierced the souls of multitudes of men—

many mighty ones have fallen

and have been brought down by her.

If you’re looking for the road to hell,

just go looking for her house!

The Book of Proverbs, Chapter 7 (The Passion Translation)

[Psalm 77]

For the worship leader, Jeduthun. A song of Asaph.

I cry up to heaven,

“My God, True God,” and He hears.

In my darkest days, I seek the Lord.

Through the night, my hands are raised up, stretched out, waiting;

And though they do not grow tired,

my soul is uneasy.

I remember the True God and become distraught.

I think about Him, and my spirit becomes weak.

[pause]

You hold my eyes wide open.

I am troubled beyond words.

My mind drifts to thoughts of yesterdays

and yesteryears.

I call to mind my music; it keeps me company at night.

Together with my heart I contemplate;

my spirit searches, wondering, questioning:

“What will the Lord do? Reject us for good?

Will He never show us His favor again?

Has His loyal love finally worn down?

Have His promises reached an end?

Has the True God forgotten how to be gracious?

In His anger, has He withdrawn His compassion?”

[pause]

“I can’t help but be distraught,” I said,

“for the power of the Most High that was once for us is now against us.”

I will remember the actions the Eternal has taken,

reminisce on Your ancient wonders.

I will reflect on all of Your work;

indeed, I will study all You have performed.

O God, Your way is so different, so distinct, so divine.

No other god compares with our God.

You, God, and Your works evoke wonder.

You have proved Your strength to the nations.

You used Your great power to release Your people:

with a strong arm, You freed Jacob’s children, and Joseph’s.

[pause]

The waters saw You, O True God.

The seas saw You and swelled in sorrow.

Even the deep trembled.

Water poured from the clouds,

and the sky boomed out in response

as Your arrows of lightning flashed this way and that.

The sound of Your thunder whirled within the wind

as Your lightning lit up the world.

Yes, the whole earth trembled and shook.

Your way ran through the sea,

Your path cut through great waters,

and still no one can spot Your footprints.

You led Your people as a flock

tended by the hands of Moses and Aaron.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 77 (The Voice)

[Psalm 42]

For the worship leader. A contemplative song of the sons of Korah.

My soul is dry and thirsts for You, True God,

as a deer thirsts for water.

I long for the True God who lives.

When can I stand before Him and feel His comfort?

Right now I’m overwhelmed by my sorrow and pain;

I can’t stop feasting on my tears.

People crowd around me and say,

“Where is your True God whom you claim will save?”

With a broken heart,

I remember times before

When I was with Your people. Those were better days.

I used to lead them happily into the True God’s house,

Singing with joy, shouting thanksgivings with abandon,

joining the congregation in the celebration.

Why am I so overwrought?

Why am I so disturbed?

Why can’t I just hope in God?

Despite all my emotions, I will believe and praise the One

who saves me and is my life.

My God, my soul is so traumatized;

the only help is remembering You wherever I may be;

From the land of the Jordan to Hermon’s high place

to Mount Mizar.

In the roar of Your waterfalls,

ancient depths surge, calling out to the deep.

All Your waves break over me;

am I drowning?

Yet in the light of day, the Eternal shows me His love.

When night settles in and all is dark, He keeps me company—

His soothing song, a prayerful melody to the True God of my life.

Even still, I will say to the True God, my rock and strength:

“Why have You forgotten me?

Why must I live my life so depressed, crying endlessly

while my enemies have the upper hand?”

My enemies taunt me.

They shatter my soul the way a sword shatters a man’s bones.

They keep taunting all the day long,

“Where is He, your True God?”

Why am I so overwrought,

Why am I so disturbed?

Why can’t I just hope in God?

Despite all my emotions, I will believe and praise the One

who saves me, my God.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 42 (The Voice)

[lodelss]

Soraya Roberts | Longreads | January 2020 |  9 minutes (2,284 words)

I hate jocks. Like a good Gen X’er, I walked around my high school with that patch on my backpack — red lettering, white backdrop, frisbee-size. A jock high school. It’s impossible to overstate the contempt I had for sports as a kid. I hated what I took to be phony puddle-deep camaraderie, the brain-dead monosyllabic mottos, the aggressive anti-intellectualism. More than that, there appeared to be a very specific cruelty to it. The way there were always a couple of kids who were always picked last. The collective bullying if someone didn’t measure up to the collective goals. And none of the teachers ever seemed to be as mean as the coaches. They strutted around like grown children, permanently transfixed by the ambitions of their adolescence, actively excluding the same kids they had mocked in their youth.

When I hear about sports stars who kill or commit suicide or generally behave antisocially, I always think: no wonder. In a culture that destroys your body and your mind, no wonder. It’s something of a paradox, of course, because, as we are repeatedly told, physical activity is often essential to psychological health. But why is it so rarely the other way around? I watch Cheer and I watch Killer Inside: The Mind of Aaron Hernandez and I watch former NBA star Delonte West get callously thrashed and I wonder why these athletes’ inner lives weren’t as prized as their motor skills. That’s not true; I know why. It suits a lucrative industry that shapes you from childhood to keep you pliable. And what makes you more pliable than mental instability? What better way to get a winning team than to have it populated with people for whom winning validates their existence and for whom losing is tantamount to death?

* * *

There’s a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment in the Hernandez doc when there’s an unexpected crossover with Cheer. A childhood photo of the late NFL star and convicted murderer flashes on-screen as we learn that his female cousins made him want be a cheerleader. It was the same for Cheer’s La’Darius Marshall, who is shown in one snapshot as a young cheerleader, having discovered the sport after hanging out with one of his childhood girlfriends. Both men came from dysfunctional backgrounds: Marshall’s mom was a drug user who ended up in prison for five years. He was sexually abused, not to mention beaten up by his brothers; Hernandez found his own mother distant, and he was also physically and sexually abused. Both found solace in sports, though Hernandez had the kind of dad who “slapped the faggot right out of you,” per one childhood friend, so he ended up in football, his dad’s sport, instead. But their similarities underscore how professional athletics, when so closely tied to a person’s sense of self, can simultaneously be a boon to your mental health and its undoing.

Killer Inside is a misnomer for a start. Everything pointed to Hernandez’s conviction for murdering another footballer (semipro linebacker Odin Lloyd) — or at the very least a fair amount of psychological distress. (I’m not certain why the doc chose to focus on his sexuality — besides prurience — as it seemed to be the least of his concerns.) As he said himself to his mom, who almost immediately replaced her dead husband with Hernandez’s cousin’s husband when he was just a teenager: “I had nobody. What’d you think I was gonna do, become a perfect angel?” The way he fled from his home straight into the arms of a University of Florida football scholarship, having wrapped up high school a semester early, is telling. Football made him somebody. He depended on being a star player because the alternative was being nothing — as one journalist says in the doc, at Florida you had to “win to survive.” 

If the NFL didn’t know the depth of his suffering, they at least knew something, something a scouting service categorized as low “social maturity.” Their report stated that Hernandez’s responses “suggest he enjoys living on the edge of acceptable behavior and that he may be prone to partying too much and doing questionable things that could be seen as a problem for him and his team.” But his schools seemed to care more about his history of drug use than his high school concussion (his autopsy would later show chronic traumatic encephalopathy) or the fact that he busted a bar manager’s eardrum for confronting him with his bill. Physical pain was something you played through — one former linebacker described a row of Wisconsin players lining up with their pants down to get painkiller injections — and psychological pain was apparently no different. “It’s a big industry,” the ex-linebacker said, “and they’re willing to put basically kids, young men, in situations that will compromise their long-term health just to beat Northwestern.”

Cheerleading, the billion-dollar sport monopolized by a company called Varsity Brand, has a similarly mercenary approach. While the money is less extreme — the NFL’s annual revenue is more than $14 billion — the contingent self-worth is not. A number of the kids highlighted in Cheer had the kind of childhoods that made them feel like Hernandez, like they had nobody. Morgan Simianer in particular, the weaker flyer who is chosen for her “look,” radiates insecurity. Abandoned by both her parents, she was left as a high school sophomore in a trailer with her brother to fend for herself. “I felt, like, super alone,” Simianer said. “Like everyone was against me and I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t important to anyone.” Though Marshall’s experience was different, his memories of growing up are almost identical to his fellow cheerleader’s. “I felt like I was really alone,” he said. “There was nobody that was gonna come save me.” Like Hernandez, sports was all they had.

And if a competitive sport defines you, then its coach controls you. Hernandez’s father, the ex-football heavyweight, was known as the King; Monica Aldama, the head coach on Cheer, is the Queen. Describing how she felt when Aldama remembered her name at tryouts, Simianer said, “It was like I’m not just nobody.” For her ability to literally pummel a bunch of college kids into a winning team in half the regular time, Aldama has been characterized as both a saint and a sinner. While she claims to be an advocate for the troubled members of her team, she fails to see how their histories skew her intentions — her position as a maternal figure whose love is not unconditional ultimately puts the athletes more at risk. Aldama proudly comments on Simianer’s lack of fear, while it is a clear case of recklessness. This is a girl who is unable to express her pain in any way sacrificing her own life (literally — with her fragile ribs, one errant move could puncture an organ) for the woman who, ironically, made her feel like she was worthy of it. “I would do anything for that woman,” Simianer confesses at one point. “I would take a bullet for her.” Jury’s out on whether Marshall, the outspoken outsize talent who regularly clashes with his team, would do the same. His ambivalent approach to Aldama seems connected to how self-aware he is about his own struggles, which affords him freedom from her grasp. After she pushes him to be more empathetic, he explains, “It’s hard to be like that when you are mentally battling yourself.”

That Cheer and Killer Inside focus on the psychological as well as the physical strain faced by athletes — not to mention that athletics have no gender — is an improvement on the sports industries they present, which often objectify their stars as mere pedestals for their talents. The Navarro cheerleaders and Hernandez are both helped and hurt by sports, an outlet which can at once mean everything and nothing in the end. This is the legacy of the 1994 documentary Hoop Dreams, which followed two teen NBA hopefuls and was as much about the intersections of race and class as it was about basketball. Not to mention OJ: Made in America, the 2016 ESPN miniseries that explored how the story of the football star and alleged murderer reflected race relations in the United States in the mid-’90s. Conversely, mainstream film and television continues to be heavily male when it comes to sports, focusing on individual heroics, on pain leading to gain — the American Dream on steroids. Cheer and Killer Inside expose this narrative for the myth it is, spotlighting that all athletes have both minds and bodies that break, that their legacies as human beings are not about what they have won but who they are. But the climate in which they’ve landed cannot be ignored either, a social-media marinated world in which sports stars are no longer just players but people who are willing to be vulnerable with their public, who are even further willing to sign their names next to their problems for The Players’ Tribune, the six-year-old platform populated by content provided by pro athletes. “Everyone is going through something,” wrote NBA star Kevin Love in an industry-shaking post in 2018. “No matter what our circumstances, we’re all carrying around things that hurt — and they can hurt us if we keep them buried inside.”

Fast-forward to that new video of former basketball pro Delonte West, the one of him having his head stomped on so hard in the middle of the street that I still wonder how he survived it. He also came from an underprivileged, unstable background. He chose the college he did for its “family atmosphere.” Like Simianer, he fixated on his failures and played with abandon. Like her, he also had trouble verbalizing his feelings, to the point that they would overflow (in anger for him, tears for her). Though he says he was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder, he considers his biggest problem to be “self-loathing.” But why? He was a sports star who signed a nearly $13 million contract in his prime — what better reason for self-love? A study published two years ago in the Research Quarterly for Exercise and Sport, profiling the psychological well-being of 99 elite athletes, may provide an answer. The study found that those with high perfectionism, fear of failure, and performance-based self-worth had the highest levels of depression, anxiety, shame, and life dissatisfaction. Those with a more global self-worth that did not depend on their performance had the opposite outcome. As if to provide confirmation, a subsequent study published in Psychology of Sport and Exercise that same year revealed that athletes with contingent self-esteem were more likely to burn out. When sports become your only source of value, your wins ultimately don’t come to much.

* * *

The irony of all of this is that I came back to sports as an adult for my mental health. Obviously, I’m not an elite athlete — whatever the opposite of that is, I am. But having no stakes makes it that much easier to use physical activity for good. Nothing is dependent on it; that I’m moving at all is victory enough. But my circumstances are different. My jock high school was a private school, sports were (mostly) optional, and elite academics were where most of us found validation — and financial stability. “Conventional wisdom suggests that the sport offers an ‘escape’ from under-resourced communities suffering from the effects of systemic neglect,” Natalie Weiner writes in SB Nation. “If you work hard enough and make the right choices — playing football being one of the most accessible and appealing ways for boys, at least, to do that — you should be safe.” This reminds me of Aldama telling a room of underprivileged kids with limited prospects, “If you work hard at anything you do, you will be rewarded, you will be successful in life.” This is the American Dream–infused sports culture the media has traditionally plugged — the one, ironically, dismantled by the show in which Aldama herself appears. As Spike Lee tells a group of the top high school basketball players in the country in Hoop Dreams: “The only reason why you’re here, you can make their team win, and if their team wins, schools get a lot of money. This whole thing is revolving around money.” 

In the same SB Nation article, which focused on how school football coaches combat gun violence, Darnell Grant, a high school coach in Newark, admitted he prioritized schoolwork, something both Cheer and Killer Inside barely mentioned. “My thing is to at least have the choice,” he said. Without that, kids are caught in the thrall of sports, which serves the industry but not its players. Contingent self-worth does the same thing, which is why mental health is as much of a priority as education. The head football coach at a Chicago high school, D’Angelo Dereef, explained why dropping a problematic player — which is basically what happened to Hernandez at U of F, where coach Urban Meyer pushed him into the NFL draft rather than taking him back — doesn’t fix them. “They’re not getting into their brains to figure out why,” Dereef told the site. “It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a big cut — that’s not going to stop the bleeding.” While the NBA was the first major sports league to address mental health in its collective bargaining agreement in 2018, in mid-January the WNBA signed its own new CBA, which only vaguely promised “enhanced mental health benefits and resources.” That the sports industry as a whole does not go far enough to address the psychological welfare of its players is to their detriment, but also to their own: At least one study from 2003 has shown that prioritizing “athletes’ needs of autonomy” — the opposite of contingent self-worth — as opposed to conformity, has the potential to improve their motivation and performance. In sports terms, that’s a win-win.

* * *

Soraya Roberts is a culture columnist at Longreads.

[mysticdragon3md3]

MD3 watches Carole & Tuesday season 1 part 2

I didn't write any reaction notes while watching eps13-14 because I wasn't at my laptop at the time.  And I didn't write any during ep15, because I was trying to not be so distracted.  By by ep16, I couldn't not write reactions anymore.  ^^;;;;

Also, I watched this half of the season mostly in English dub.  I thought if I did, I wouldn't get so distracted. And it did help me be able to watch while I ate.  Yet I ended up marathoning the rest of the series all day.  ^^;;;;;  

2:26 PM 12/27/2019

Carole and Tuesday ep16

"Where can we find a band that will play for free?"  *Turns corner and finds a band playing for free*  LOL  I love this show!  LOL  ^o^  No, but seriously, I love how virtually conflict-free it is.  Whatever obstacles there are, get resolved quickly or by the end of an episode or 2.  ^o^  I used to be the type who was all about the "demon hunter" subgenre and Shonen anime.  But yesterday, I had to admit that maybe I'm not that anymore.  Yesterday, I had been trying to get myself to catch up on Dr. Stone and Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba, but instead I watched more Ascendance of a Bookworm and Carole & Tuesday.  ~.~;  For a few years now, I've found myself unable to watch anything outside of the iyashikei genre: moe shows, slice of life, "feel good" series, etc.  Hell, Natsume Yuujinchou is one of my top 3 favorite anime.  And now I can't stop watching Carole & Tuesday...but I can't get myself to watch more of a good show like Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba.  x~x;  I guess this means my anxiety has gotten really bad if I have to exclusively watch soothing series with no traumatic drama.  I recently heard a movie reviewer (reviewing Uncut Gems and) describing the Drama genre as supposed to make you tense and uncomfortable, and I was like, "Nope.  Not for me.  No wonder I can't watch dramas."  But I don't want people to mistake me as saying series like Carole & Tuesday and Natsume Yuujinchou are "shallow".  I cry at every episode of Natsume Yuujinchou.  Carole & Tuesday constantly move me inside.  It's just not the manufactued drama and glorification of meanspiritedness that seems to be on display in the Drama genre (for dramam series/movies outside of iyashikei category).  

"She was born poor.  Her parents both died when she was young."  What?  I saw this clip subtitled before Netflix US was able to premier it.  And the translator said that Flora's parents died because they couldn't afford their hospital bills.  And that really struck me.  It's a real thing going on in the US.  So I'm sad that Netflix didn't have the same translation in their subtitles.  

Oh, wow.  The dub translated it as "She lost both her parents at a young age, becuase they couldn't afford a hospital."

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Carole & Tuesday ep17

Ertegun is so stupid.  LOL  He doesn't even realize that the one thing he has left is his name, and he could use that to make money.  

I was so sure Aaron was the black_knight.  Well, at least we can ID the stalker by his fingernails.  

LOL  They both thought they could get away with playing the same song.  LOL  

You tell her, Spencer.

Woah.  It just turned into Perfect Blue.  

6:51 PM 12/27/2019

Continuing the ep.

Well, you sure ARE going to die soon. I don't care if Ertegun has been mostly an antagonist during the first half of this series.  That Pinocchio needs to get pummeled.  lol  But don't kick him into the air!  Take him to jail!

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6:57 PM 12/27/2019

Carole & Tuesday ep18

They're not going to try to interrogate Aaron?  Sounds like he has an idea who the stalker is.

They didn't ALREADY tell the police?!????

Hofner!  I like when Gus reconnects with his old friends.  Even if it is business. It's like a glimpse of these guys being rag-tag musicians back in the day, contrasted against them now, is kind of amusing.  

Why is she interviewing him?  I thought Tuesday wanted to ask him what he's been covering about her mom.

I should look up Kyle's voice actor.  He sounds familiar.  

Now that I think about it, Angela has been really preoccupied by this stalker stubplot.  Usually she's more of an antagonist towards Carole and Tuesday.  

Well, the phone is bugged.  ...Or is it the car?

"Anti-Mars" terrorists?  

Please don't tell me Jerry caused the exploison.

Well, I didn't expect Tao to get pulled into this political subplot.  

I kind of wish I hadn't seen this clip of "Threads" beforehand.  Then I wouldn't have been reading for when Tuesday was crushing on Kyle.  Still, even while watching it, if it wasn't for Tuesday's blushing, I probably wouldn't have gotten the hint that she was forming a crush on him, because I didn't really see why anyone would crush on him for the few interactions they've had.  I mean, Tuesday finally talked about her mom and even fears that she's afraid to burden Carole with.  So maybe she confused "friendship-like therapy sessions" with a deep connection?  

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7:33 PM 12/27/2019

Carole & Tuesday ep19

I hope Alba City's infrasstructure is built for snow and whatever run-off water it might cause.  

They don't have money for a big stage show!  LOL

I wonder if Tao and BlackKnight know each other from past programming industry.  

Bilboard status!

Aw, don't call Ertigun a traitor...

I'm surprised Carole recognized Amer.  Boys' facial bone structures can change a lot as they grow.  

Whenever Angela and Carole&Tuesday have their little stand-offs, it reminds me of a "battle anime".  lol

"If you tell us, maybe I'll stop calling you a traitor."  Oh, poor Roddy!  LOL

I actually really like this idea of Tao's programming skills, how the analytical psychology programs apply to both music and politics, all this AI, and hacking.  If they made a whole series about that, I'd be very interested.  

Dun dun DUN!

Even though Ertigun is an idiot and can be a jerk, it still is sad to see someone sad.  

I wonder if the Black Knight set up this hoodie guy---and there we go.

Oh!  So that's why that lcip I saw of Carole & Tuesday's song from this ep seemed like most of their electronics were out of comission.  I'm surprised Tao's microwave emitter didn't blow out Ertigun's electronic equipment too.  ----Wait.  So all their equipment wasn't blown out?  They chose to go low fi?  Good.  It's like what that Chinese cinema movie critic said: It's better to contrast a superstar vs trying to copy cat Bruce Lee; that's why Jackie Chan was able to stand out.  But it's really sweet that Carole & Tuesday prefaced their performance with "this is how we play at home for each other".  ;u;  Even if it's quiet, it's cool to see the crowd so perfectly captivated.  

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7:58 PM 12/27/2019

Carole & Tuesday ep20

Jeeze, this is getting serious.  As in uncomfortably plausable in real life.  Big companies being behind a political candidate, so they can manipulate laws to get away with whatever they want...  Yeek.  

"Popcorn Bomb"?  ^o^

Wait a second...  I switched to Japanese dub so I could check out his seiyuu...  Is that...Keiji Fujiwara?  No way...  Wikipedia says Subaru Kimura.  

I like that this series is discussing how rap is used as a protest tool.  I'm not that familiar with the genre, so I wasn't aware of how entrenched it is in politics until I saw some reports recently.  Apparently, there are even authoritarian governments trying to create their own rappers, in an attempt to drown out all the dissident popular rappers.  

I know "I don't have time to be sad" is framed as some kind of "admirable" resilience, but it seems kind of sad to me.  

It's funny how little characterization their band is given, other than their character design and a few short moments, but I guess this series doesn't have much time for that on top of everything else.  

Well, that's a target on Amer's back.

Angela's adopted?  

Maybe I haven't noted this yet, but it's really creative all the ways this series finds to save its budget. Like keeping Angela in essentially the same outfit as one of her previous standard costume designs, but just changing the color of her strapless top.  And they get away with it; it really does look very different, just by changing the color (and probably symolizes the darker turn her story is taking.)  It's impressive.  It's how studio Bones can afford all this rotoscoping and so much more animation that other series.  

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8:25 PM 12/27/2019

Carole & Tuesday ep21

"Nevermind the serious darma going on in Angela's B plot.  Let's get on with our A plot."  LOL

Y'know there's a lot of anime where a girls says, "Will you go somewhere with me?"  And she's framed really cute.  Then cut, and there's supposed to be some kind of scene of them hanging out that the characters say isn't a date, but the direction/framing and the male protagonist treat like a date.  Is that phrase "Wanna go somewhere with me?" like a common phrase in Japanese used to ask someone out on a date?  

HOw did Roddy make that promise without already knowing how much a natural Christmas tree costs?  lol

Wow. So many pills. This escalated quickly.

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8:43 PM 12/27/2019

Carole & Tuesday ep22

I"m so glad we have protagonists who can worry about their "rival".  

"You don't have time to be worrying about other people."  But that's why I like Carole & Tuesday!  ;o;!

Now that I think about it, isn't it weird that they're meeting and having this complicated discussions with Crystal in a hotel lobby instead of a conference room?  But hey, if it saves studio Bones money to reuse the same set designs, rather than design a whole new conference room and hall to a conference room, then it's an impressive budget cutting technique.  

They're so cute!  Jumping up and down and giggling.  ^o^

Look how flabergasted Carole looks while Tuesday sings "happy birthday" to her! ^o^ And Ziggy is so cute!  Cooing/singing along too.  ^o^

Professor Zeeman?  Who's that?

Whole scene stopped so Roddy can compliment their dresses...  Dawwwwww.... ^___^

Omg someone really studied US award ceremony monologues.  All the cheesey cringe and shout-outs to the audience and everything. O_o

OMG  The host is outsing Tuesday's relation to Valerie?!  Did peopel know that before???

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9:04 PM 12/27/2019

Carole & Tuesday ep23

Aw, Angela's #1 fan/manager is back.  

Dang.  Skip-tachi getting arrested for just walking down the street.  I know I started off watching this show because "nothing really bad happens", but as these last few episodes come up, it's sure escalating into "real world problems" territory.  o_o  I can't even look at the "MICE" on the cops' backs and this whole subplot about refugees and immigration being used as a political talking point for an election more than as anything else, without thinking of real world problems right now.  

Just a second ago, I thought it was really cool that Spencer was actually in Carole & Tuesday's apartment.  But now EVERYBODY'S there!  LOL

I like that they mentioned "scaring people into self-censorship" and not just banning freedom of speech.  

At first, this speech sounded like unrealistic slice of life fluff.  "Saving the world through a song"?  Isn't that what won the war in Macross?  That level of unrealism.  But when Tuesday said, "If we can all sing freely, none of us will be silenced," then it all made sense as a unified protest song.  Like, "I dare you to arrest the entire industry".  

"But a person who's not idealistic is nothing but a slave!" turned into "Although, if you don't defend what you believe in, then what's the use in living."  o.o

Well, I didn't expect Valerie to confront Jerry about the bombing.

Well, now we know why the first episodes introduced the Immigration Hall.

Wow.  there's a whole cyberpunk corporate espionage movie going on in the B plot.  lol

Oh..."Mother Earth"...I saw spoilers of that song before I actually watched this episode.  That was the one interpretation I didn't consider.  

I love when the cuts go to Ziggy with the sleepy eyes.

I'm really glad they brought back Angela's #1 fan/manager to be there to listen to Angela's emotional breakdown.  

I like that Tao and his AI exchanged some semblence of "human"/empathic concern in saying goodbye to each other.

Is Tao really going to disappear?

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9:34 PM 12/27/2019

Carole & Tuesday ep24

So Pr. Zeeman is a designer baby creator.  

Oh, wow.  Tao and Angela are like siblings.  

Don't people die by jumping off bridges?????? O~O!

LOL  Scream from the rooftops then "SHUT UP!"  LOL

The landlord finally spoke!  ^o^

Aw, their idol Crystal is fangirling over their other idol Flora.  And then Desmond appears to overshadow them all.  LOL

AW, they even brought back Carole's friend working security at the Immigration Hall.  ;u;

Finally watching this song in context.  ;U;

Well, if Shinichiro Watanabe wanted to make a series about the music industry and all its tropes, he did it.  It's got that "We Are the World" moment and everything.  

The lyrics of "Mother" really mean something different after realizing they're protesting for freedom of speech.  o.O

9:56 PM 12/27/2019

And now, done.  That was Carole and Tuesday.  ^___^

[silkclient90-blog]

The 25 Best Ships Ever on Freeform

Here at TV Guide, we love love more than just about anything. Half the reason we watch TV is to stare at two beautiful idiots as they gaze adoringly into each other's eyes, and the other half is to get the cathartic release of second-hand heartbreak when they break up because the course of true love never did run smooth.

Maybe that's why we're so obsessed with Freeform and its many millennial-targeted TV shows. When it comes to shipping and romance, Freeform has the best of the best, whether it's a forbidden romance between a Shadowhunter and a Downworlder or the sex-positive romance between two journalists trying to make it in New York City.

With so many amazing ships to chose from, it's hard to know which one is best, but TV Guide editors Megan Vick and Lindsay MacDonald put their heads together to come up with a definitive ranking of the best 25 Freeform ships! Can you guess who took the number one spot?

Discover Your New Favorite Show: Watch This Now!

25. Daphne & Wilke (Switched at Birth)

Daphne (Katie LeClerc) had a variety of love interests over the course of Switched at Birth, but the one that made our hearts flutter the most for her was Wilke (Austin Butler). It was a typical case of getting the do-gooder to loosen up a little and make the reckless prankster realize he didn't need to write himself off the way that everyone else had. These two had really great potential, but Wilke pushed it just a little too far and got himself sent off to military school instead of proving that he and Daphne had a teen love for the ages.

24. Maddie & Wes (Recovery Road)

It is inadvisable to start a relationship when you are in rehab, but if you're going to do it, pick a hottie like Wes (Sebastian De Souza)! Recovery Road lasted just one season, so Maddie (Jessica Sula) and Wes didn't get to reach their full potential, but the time they did spend together was electric, complicated and heartbreaking — the stuff all the best ships are made of.

23. Ryn, Maddie & Ben (Siren)

Bear with us on this one. Love triangles are great fun, but honestly, they're getting a little tired. As a siren, Ryn's (Eline Powell) sexuality is very fluid (sorry, couldn't resist that pun), and she seems to have developed a deep love for both Maddie (Fola Evans-Akingbola) and Ben (Alex Rowe) during her time on land. In fact, she's even kissed them both! It's easy to understand how that might cause tension in Maddie and Ben's relationship, but wouldn't it just be so much better for everyone if they all just decided to be together? Fans are already shipping this polyamorous relationship, and so are we!

22. Paige & Rainer (Famous in Love)

For Paige ( Bella Thorne), the well-intentioned (and slightly naive) ingenue, there was really no better love interest than Rainer (Carter Jenkins), the emotionally vulnerable bad boy with big eyes and bigger hair. Sure, they didn't quite manage to make it across the "happily ever after" finish line before the show was canceled, but given that Season 2 ended with a Rage studio lot kiss, we're going to pretend they just road that bike straight off into the sunset together afterward.

21. Riley & Danny (Baby Daddy)

We know there are Riley (Chelsea Kane) and Ben (Jean-Luc Bilodeau) shippers out there — and that their chemistry was undeniable — but Riley and Danny (Derek Theler) were meant to be together. And Danny was the one who ended up putting a ring on it. He was always the one who Riley made her way back to, and they made a beautiful family together.

20. Callie & Aaron (The Fosters)

The Fosters was no stranger to breaking ground, and Callie (Maia Mitchell) and Aaron's (Elliot Fletcher) relationship was no different. They had the first sex scene between a cis-gendered female lead and a trans man on television. But more than breaking representation boundaries, Callie and Aaron are on this list because they challenged each other in the best ways. Aaron did his best to try and stop Callie from getting into trouble, like when she would ride in cars with murderers or accidentally become a prostitute for a minute. He showed her there were better, smarter ways to fight for what you believe in. He's a large part of the reason why Callie ended up becoming a lawyer and thus their relationship will always hold a special place in our hearts.

What That Good TroubleCliffhanger Means for Callie's Romantic Future

19. Cameron & Kirsten (Stitchers)

When you grow up believing you are essentially allergic to feelings and then get a job where you start taking on the last emotions of the dead, it's only natural that your new potential for empathy would lead to a workplace affair! That sentence probably made no sense, but Stitchers was an out there kind of show. The moral of the story is that Kirsten (Emma Ishta) didn't know how to feel for anyone, but working with Cameron (Kyle Harris) in the Stitchers program helped her to become a better person. Once she got the hang of the whole feelings thing, they developed quite the compelling workplace romance, which often meant invading other people's minds to save each other. Yeah, it's still a weird show.

18. Zoey & Luca (grown-ish)

Zoey (Yara Shahidi) had three suitors at the end of Season 1, but she inevitably chose the guy who never wanted her to be anything but herself. Yeah, Luca (Luka Sabbat) is the epitome of chill, but it's obvious that Zoey brings out a spark in him that only art can. He keeps her grounded when she starts spinning out of control, and let's face it, you are never going to see another couple this straight-up beautiful together.

17. Jane & Pinstripe (The Bold Type)

Ah, the ever-changing, ever-frustrating love/hate relationship that is Janestripe. These two crazy kids can't ever seem to get on the same page with each other, but their chemistry is so electric that it sometimes barely matters. As a young writer in need of a mentor, it's obvious why Jane (Katie Stevens) fell for Pinstripe's (Dan Jeannotte) worldly, witty ways. Now if they can just manage to spend some quality time together without drama blowing up their lives, they could totally be endgame

16. Simon & Maia (Shadowhunters)

Though there is a special place reserved in our hearts for Sizzy, there's no denying that Maia (Alisha Wainwright) and Simon (Alberto Rosende) are good for each other in very important ways. As a young adult who already went through the whole "I got turned into a supernatural monster, what now?" thing, Maia was a great, stabilizing influence on Simon, and Simon obviously helped Maia heal from some old (and still very open) wounds from her relationship with Jordan. Though we don't think this is a romance for the ages, there's something to be said for loves that come around just at the right time.

Shadowhunters: What Is The Praetor?

15. Gabby & Josh (Young and Hungry)

As unlikely a duo as Gabby ( Emily Osment) and Josh (Jonathan Sadowski) were, they somehow managed to eke out a happy ending that was both hilarious and touching. What made this dysfunctional couple so entertaining to watch is that even though they were both so crazy (and both so prone to making a mess of their own lives), his crazy somehow managed to fit perfectly together with her crazy. It was a modern-day love story for the accident-prone and socially awkward!

14. Tyrone and Tandy (Marvel's Cloak & Dagger)

Tyrone (Aubrey Joseph) and Tandy (Olivia Holt) haven't gotten romantic yet on Marvel's Cloak & Dagger, but they're called the Divine Pairing for a reason, and that's because the fates want them to be together as much as we do. They come from different worlds, but they understand each other on a level that no one else they know can touch. The chemistry is undeniable, and it's only a matter of time before saving the world by uniting their powers is going to cause them to unite in other ways. When it happens we know it's going to be just as explosive as light and dark coming together.

13. Jesus & Emma (The Fosters)

When it comes to making progress in a relationship, there are few ships on this list that can compete with Jesus and Emma. They were very young when they first fell in love, but they still developed a bond that saw them through wrestling fights, traumatic brain injuries and long-distance relationships during college. Jesus (Noah Centineo) showed Emma (Amanda Leighton) how to have a good time and that not everything had to be about school and grades. Meanwhile, Emma helped Jesus see the potential in himself that might have gone undiscovered if they hadn't fallen for each other. After six years together through their adolescence, they broke up to have adult relationships with other people. It was a good, level-headed decision, but there's still a strong hope they'll find their way back to each other — maybe on Good Trouble?

12. Sutton & Richard (The Bold Type)

Dating an older guy is always complicated, but dating an older guy who also happens to be on the board of the magazine where you work? That's a sticky situation if ever there was one. Richard (Sam Page) and Sutton (Meghann Fahy) have had their ups and downs, but ultimately their relationship is too strong to be cowed by judgy interns or age gaps. Just you wait, they'll be New York City's most lovable power couple in no time!

The Bold Type Cast Is Totally Down for a Musical Episode

11. Spencer & Toby (Pretty Little Liars)

This one is for the nerd lovers out there. Spencer (Troian Bellisario) and Toby (Keegan Allen) were probably the most stable of the Pretty Little Liar couples — as stable as you can be when you're being stalked by a manipulative sociopath — and their couple hobbies included reading and playing Scrabble. And you know, trying to one-up the aforementioned sociopath. Even with the insanity, it was easy to see these two sharing coffee and doing the New York Times crossword puzzle together on a Sunday afternoon.

10. Callie & Brandon (The Fosters)

Listen, we know they were adopted brother and sisters, but that wasn't always the case! You knew at the beginning of The Fosters that Brandon (David Lambert) and Callie were meant to be together. That belief was so strong that a Brallie reunion was even teased in the show's series finale, but ultimately Callie's need for a family was greater than her need for Brandon as a boyfriend. Still, he was one of the first people to show her that she could trust others and made her feel like she belonged in the Adams-Foster household. Who knows if Callie would have stayed at the house and become the well-adjusted adult she became if Brandon wasn't her first love. For that reason, we can (mostly) overlook the overlap of their relationship with the adoption proceedings.

9. Aria & Ezra (Pretty Little Liars)

Ezria gets points for being the OG ship of Pretty Little Liars, but they also lose points for being problematic AF. Sorry, there's no way to slice this to make it OK for an adult English teacher to sleep with a 16-year-old student. Knowing he purposefully seduced her in order to write a book about her best friend's disappearance only makes things worse. However, when Aria did become of age, the chemistry between the two was undeniable. They were ride-or-die until the end of the show, which is all we can ask for from a best ship, even with a bit of scandal on the side.

8. Simon & Izzy (Shadowhunters)

Izzy (Emeraude Toubia) and Simon have both had other romances since Shadowhunters premiered, but that doesn't mean Sizzy hasn't always been in the back of our minds. Even as a vampire and a Shadowhunter, Simon and Izzy have built a beautiful friendship on a foundation of trust, and they've pretty much become each others' rock at this point. If we're all very good and hold our breaths at the exact same time, romance might just be on the horizon for these two as we head into the final run of Shadowhunters. They've got to be endgame, right?

Shadowhunters Cast Reacts to #SaveShadowhunters Campaign

7. Hanna & Caleb (Pretty Little Liars)

Hanna (Ashley Benson) and Caleb (Tyler Blackburn) were the epitome of opposites attract. She was the aspiring fashionista who yearned to belong and he was the hacker outsider who hated fitting in. It made no sense that they should want to be together, but once sparks flew between the two, you knew they couldn't be with anyone else. They tried a few times, of course, but at the end of the day Hanna and Caleb were like two magnets that couldn't be kept apart. It's for the best because who else was going to put up with their wiseass comments but the other one?

6. Emily & Allison (Pretty Little Liars)

Pretty Little Liars took its sweet time giving its most dedicated fans the ship they yearned for the most, but at the end of the day, Emily (Shay Mitchell) and Alison (Sasha Pieterse) found their way back to one another and started a family! That's the most normal kind of happy ending anyone on this show could hope for. While Emily was prone for falling for any wayward lesbian who made their way through Rosewood, her heart was always drawn to Alison. And it was only when Alison was able to come to grips with her own feelings for Emily that we felt like we could truly trust her.

5. Clary & Jace (Shadowhunters)

Clary (Katherine McNamara) and Jace (Dominic Sherwood) have been on a bit of a whirlwind, haven't they? Their immediate connection and chemistry was put on hold for a while during the brief period they thought they were actually brother and sister (we're still having nightmares about that, BTW), but eventually they found out it was OK for them to bang. And it's a good thing too, because it's hard not to want two people so perfect for one another and so deeply in love to be together. If Clace isn't endgame, we'll cry ourselves to sleep every night for the rest of the year.

4. Kat & Adena (The Bold Type)

Kat ( Aisha Dee) and Adena (Nikohl Boosheri) have had their issues on The Bold Type, but that's part of what makes their love story so wonderful to watch. Kat is still learning about her sexuality and Adena selflessly gave her the freedom and the trust to do that, knowing how important that journey is for a young woman. In return, Kat recognized that though their relationship was good for Adena romantically, it may not be so great for her artistically. It takes a lot for a person to realize that your partner's happiness and passions have to come first sometimes, even if it could put your relationship in jeopardy. Even if this ultimately leads to a breakup, it's so nice to see two hot, badass women having the emotional maturity to put their partner first, no matter what. *SOBS*

3. Stef & Lena (The Fosters)

Oh yeah, there are parents on a list of Freeform ships, and we stand by this couple wholeheartedly. The love between Stef (Teri Polo) and Lena (Sherri Saum) on The Fosters was the heart of the show. It feels weird to say that when the show premiered it was shocking to see an interracial lesbian couple raising a family on TV because over the course of five seasons the two women showed us just how powerful love can be. They had their ups and downs, from Lena's flirtation with her boss to Stef's breast cancer scare, but at the end of the day they proved that love can conquer all. Out of everyone on this list, they are the epitome of relationship goals for their bravery, vulnerability and compassion. Plus, even with five kids making them want to tear their hair out, they still found ways to keep the spice alive, and we respect that so much.

The Fosters Says Goodbye (For Now) With a Tearful Wedding and a New Chapter

2. Bay & Emmett (Switched at Birth)

Disclaimer: Bay (Vanessa Marano) and Emmett (Sean Berdy) were not together during the final season of Switched at Birth, which was the only season to actually air on the network known as Freeform. But we curated at this list, and since Switched is still technically a Freeform show, we're not ignoring its best and heartwarming ship. Bay and Emmett started out as complete opposites, but their love not only brought them together but also helped bridged the hearing and deaf communities in the show. Their romance had all the angst of a first love, but it was also emblematic of what made the show as a whole so special. The show was canceled with only enough time for the writers to write a series finale rather than a full final season arc, so while Bay and Travis (Ryan Lane) were good together, deep in our hearts we have to believe that Bay and Emmett were the true endgame.

1. Magnus & Alec (Shadowhunters)

Is it any wonder Malec tops this list as the best Freeform ship of all time? Their love story turned Shadowhunters from a binge-worthy show into a viral sensation that makes even the most diehard fandoms seem like underachievers. The electric chemistry between Magnus (Harry Shum Jr.) and Alec (Matthew Daddario) is only the tip of the iceberg here; under the surface there's a deeply devoted, unbreakable connection between two people who should have been enemies but turned into soulmates. There's simply no ship on Freeform (or possibly on TV at all) that can hold a candle to Malec, and we'll ship them until the day we die.

Source: https://www.tvguide.com/news/25-best-freeform-ships-ranked/?rss=breakingnews

[thedeadshotnetwork]

10 things you need to know today: November 10, 2017 1. A woman told The Washington Post that Roy Moore, the Republican nominee for a U.S. Senate seat in Alabama, initiated a sexual encounter with her when she was 14 years old and Moore, now 70, was a 32-year-old prosecutor. The woman, Leigh Corfman, said Moore kissed and fondled her, and "guided her hand to touch him over his underwear." Three other women said Moore started inappropriate relationships with them when they were 16 to 18. Moore, a former Alabama Supreme Court chief justice, called the allegations "completely false" and "a desperate political attack by the National Democrat Party." The White House said President Trump believes a "mere allegation" shouldn't be allowed to "destroy [Moore's] life," but that he should "step aside" if the accusations are true . 2. Senate Republicans on Thursday unveiled their tax plan, which differed from the House version on some key points. Like their House counterparts, whose revised bill was approved by the House Ways and Means Committee on Thursday, Senate Republicans want to cut the corporate tax rate to 20 percent from 35 percent, but they want to delay the reduction until 2019. Stocks, which have been boosted by anticipation of corporate breaks, dropped Thursday and headed for another fall Friday due to investors' concerns over the Senate's proposed delay. Supporters of the legislation also worried that the differences between the House and Senate bills on such issues as whether to keep deductions for state and local taxes could threaten efforts to pass the overhaul quickly. 3. President Trump said at a regional summit in Vietnam on Thursday that the U.S. "will not tolerate" trade abuses, saying only countries that "follow the rules" will get U.S. business. Trump said that the U.S. had removed trade barriers to let foreign goods into the U.S., but many countries have not reciprocated by opening their markets. "We are not going to let the United States be taken advantage of anymore," the president said at the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) CEO Summit in Danang. "I am always going to put America first, the same way that I expect all of you in this room to put your countries first." Despite speculation of a possible one-on-one meeting between Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin, the White House said "scheduling conflicts" would prevent a meeting. 4. President Trump's former security chief, Keith Schiller, privately testified to the House Intelligence Committee that he refused a Russian offer to send five women to Trump's hotel room during a 2013 trip to Moscow for the Miss Universe pageant, CNN reported Thursday, citing several sources with direct knowledge of the testimony. Schiller, a longtime Trump confidant, reportedly said he assumed the offer was a joke, and that he and Trump laughed it off. Committee members brought up the matter because of a controversial dossier compiled by a former British intelligence agent, Christopher Steele, working on opposition research funded by Democrats during last year's presidential campaign. Steele concluded that Russia had dirt on Trump, including salacious details of an alleged encounter with prostitutes in Moscow. 5. Russian President Vladimir Putin on Thursday suggested that the U.S. is pushing for the disqualification of Russian athletes at the 2018 Winter Olympics in an attempt to interfere in Russia's presidential campaign. Putin noted that the Olympics start in February in PyeongChang, South Korea, and Russia's election is in March. "There are very strong suspicions that all that is done because someone needs to create an atmosphere of discontent among sports fans and athletes over the state's alleged involvement in violations and responsibility for it," Putin said, adding that the U.S. might be trying to "create problems in the Russian presidential election in response to our alleged interference in theirs." 6. Pastor Frank Pomeroy, leader of the Texas church where a gunman murdered 26 people on Sunday, told leaders of the Southern Baptist Convention that the building would be demolished. The pastor said the church was "too stark of a reminder" of the massacre, in which his own teenaged daughter was killed, said a spokesman for the national church. The decision won't be final until surviving congregation members are consulted. Charlene Uhl, whose 16-year-old daughter Haley Krueger was killed, agreed that the building should be torn down, saying as she visited a row of white crosses placed on the property that there should be a church, "but not here." Other sites of some other mass shootings, such as Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, also have been demolished. 7. A juror excused from Sen. Bob Menendez's (D-N.J.) bribery trial said she would have found him "not guilty on every charge." The former juror, Evelyn Arroyo-Maultsby, said she believed the government was "railroading him," and she predicted the jurors would be unable to resolve disagreements on the case. "It's a hung jury right now," she said after she was dismissed Thursday at the end of the third day of deliberations. The judge replaced Arroyo-Maultsby to keep a promise that she would be able to make a trip planned earlier. Prosecutors accuse Menendez of doing business favors for Florida eye doctor Salomon Melgen in exchange for lavish gifts and campaign contributions. Menendez and Melgen deny it, saying they are just close friends. 8. One-time New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez, who hanged himself in prison in April while serving a life sentence for murder, suffered the most severe case of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) ever observed in a person his age, Boston University researchers revealed at a medical conference on Thursday. The researchers said the damage would have significantly affected his thinking and judgment. Doctors found that Hernandez had Stage 3 CTE, never before seen in a brain younger than 46 years old. The finding was expected to fuel renewed debate in football's concussion crisis, and heighten concerns over the possibility of injuries to young players. 9. A major Puerto Rico power line repaired by the tiny Montana company Whitefish Energy failed on Thursday, leaving more than 80 percent of the island, including parts of San Juan and other major cities, without electricity, two months after Hurricane Maria. The failure of the line early Thursday knocked out 25 percent of the U.S. Caribbean island territory's power generation, which had been restored to 43 percent capacity, the Puerto Rico Electric Power Authority said. Whitefish, which lost its contract after critics questioned its qualifications, denied that the new problems "have anything to do with the repairs Whitefish Energy performed," spokesperson Brandon Smulyan said. 10. Five women told The New York Times in an article published Thursday that comedian Louis C.K. either asked to masturbate in front of them or in fact did it , without permission. Comedian Rebecca Corry said C.K. asked to pleasure himself in front of her while they were on set for a TV pilot in 2005, but she declined. Comedic duo Dana Min Goodman and Julia Wolov said that in 2002, they went to hang out with C.K. in a hotel room and, before they removed their winter coats, C.K. asked them if he could take out his penis. The women thought he was joking, but then "he really did it. ... He proceeded to take all of his clothes off ... and started masturbating." When reached for comment, C.K.'s publicist told the Times that the comedian "would not answer any questions." November 10, 2017 at 01:04PM

[momscookingthebooks]

 ¸.•*¨☆¸.•*´¨

☆¸.•´. CIMMERIAN SHADE

Dare to discover what lurks in the shadows in **New & Exclusive** paranormal and urban fantasy stories from your favorite NY Times, USA Today, and International Bestselling authors.

Under moonlit skies, witches, werewolves, vampires, dragons, and more, battle not only for their mates, but to stay alive…

Fall for the alphas who play by their own rules despite the odds, whether century-old curses or forbidden love, or worse. For them, what lies in the darkness is worth the fight when it comes to romance.

Amazon: http://amzn.to/2wyP2au

iBooks: http://hyperurl.co/CSiB

Nook: http://bit.ly/2rzHPIe

Kobo: http://bit.ly/2rEg9NA

Goodreads: http://bit.ly/2sH9Ugw

And also a really cool book trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezF_Qyg3jwI&feature=youtu.be&fref=gc&dti=2166198990270938

What Lies Within Us by Kiki Howell & Gina Kincade

Kyna Hughes travels to Ireland only to find out her whole life has been a series of well-orchestrated lies. Thrust into days of dark magic, secret societies, mystical hauntings, and ultimately, kidnappings and satanic weddings, she struggles not to lose her heart to one of two men—a hunky former Navy SEAL hired to protect her, and a sinister Wizard hired to train her to develop her hidden powers.

Dating 911 by Kathleen Grieve

Commiserating with girlfriends over butterscotch martinis, emergency room nurse, Roxanne Carter creates the idea of The Dating Manifesto—a not so scientific research project which promises to point the way to dating success. She wades through a series of unsavory, stale dates while gathering data to find the potentially most suitable single men available, literally putting her back at ground zero.

Just when she is ready to give up on dating, in walks sin personified in the form of a sexy firefighter, tainting all of her previous data.

A traumatic warehouse fire leaves firefighter Jett Avery's closest friend dead. The false mask of charm and pretense is slipping as Jett tries to repress his turbulent emotions, remorse, and guilt. After months of anguish, the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder seems to be taking over his life and he needs an outlet, fast. In an attempt to combat the worst of his depression, he decides to use his brand of therapy—Sex. The remedy, usually a quick pick me up for Jett, has lost its luster. He is almost ready to give up until he encounters a wicked seductress who ignites a fire he's not ready to put out any time soon. The bonus? She's an ER nurse with just the right kind of healing, the missing element Jett's search had not yet uncovered. He finally feels alive when he's in her presence.

Jett’s twin brother, emergency room Doctor Cruz Avery, the playboy of the ER, decides Roxanne is the woman for him. He places all brotherly affection aside and is in hot pursuit, complicating an already tricky situation.

Roxanne finds herself battling a growing competition between brothers for her affection. She discovers she’s drawn to both men, making it difficult not to compare them, and finds herself with an important choice to make. Jett hounds her during every date, and the irresistible hunk generates an indomitable need to play with fire. Yet, there are qualities in Cruz that slide right into the appropriate dating criteria of her Manifesto.

Does she choose the brother who by analysis is the perfect match? Or the one she can’t resist?

Torch Song by Lashell Collins

Dominic Draco has no illusions about who he is. As alpha of the dragon clan, he is also the leader of the shifter Alliance, and that sometimes requires him to be ruthless. He’s a dangerous man to know. In fact, he’s a heartless bastard. That’s the real reason he’s kept the beautiful Lucinda Lindley at bay for so many years, despite the longing he feels for the sexy human singer. But in granting an old friend’s dying request, watching over Lucinda is now his responsibility. Can he keep her safe from the perils of his cut-throat world when the Alliance’s enemies begin to circle? Or will Lucinda become a casualty of the shifter faction war?

Ethereal Witness by Angelica Dawson

Magic just became real for Paige Brown. Since she helped her roommate cast a spell, she has wanted to explore her new-found talent. Flashbacks to her ancestor give her clues, specifically to a love spell that she hopes will snag the professor she has been fantasizing about. Both Paige and her previous incarnation, Jane, find that controlling magic is more than a simple recipe. Will Paige be able to break her own spell? Will she discover the love that is closer than she knows?

Love Story of a Reaper by Elvira Bathory

What would you do if you found out that you weren’t like everyone else?

That you were special, but only in a way no one could find out about?

What lengths would you go to prove yourself to your family? A family that you didn’t know you had?

Morrigana was moving through life with a part-time, minimum wage job, and only a handful of friends. She was different from other people and they treated her that way. However, she was happy with her life until the day she met Kheelan; that is when her life was turned upside down. She finds out that she isn’t even human, and that a family she wasn’t aware she had needed her to complete a mission. As Morrigana and Kheelan's adventure progresses, will their focus on business remain professional or will their growing passion take over?

Burning Midnight by Erzabet Bishop

A triumvirate of blood and fire…

Diana Robichard runs Moon Called, an antique shop specializing in cursed objects. A new antiquity falls into her possession and promptly disappears, her tidy world is upended. When faced with a threat to those she loves the most, witchcraft alone may not be enough to save them.

Alpha Aristide Benoit is a wolf on a mission. When multiple pack members and finally his daughter go missing, he is ready to do whatever is necessary to find them as well as save the woman who has claimed his heart.

Vampire Regent, Rand Sinclair has a problem. His vault is missing an amulet never meant to see the light of day. Endangering a treaty with the wolves, he must act quickly before the woman he loves is swept into an ancient curse that will destroy them all.

With This Heart by Red L. Jameson

Talk about a killer kiss…

Being a former soldier with PTSD takes its toll on Aaron and has wiped him clean of optimism along with having dreams. But he’s no longer sure if he’s living in reality or fantasy after he tries to save a friend and finds his world filled with women who have wings and…Valkyries.

Adala kills. Not on purpose. She’s a Valkyrie—from just one touch, she takes warriors to the afterlife. Oh, but she’d give anything for a break, for normalcy, to have one day of not wearing her legionnaire uniform. When she’s asked to talk to the human Aaron to help him understand just what he’s in for when he tripped into her world, she jumps at the chance, even though she knows Aaron more than she cares to admit, even though she has an insane crush on him, even though she can’t touch him at all. But she gets to wear jeans and talk to a man—a real-life, hero of a man.

From her adorable made-up swearwords to when she wears his clothes, from the fact that she’s hundreds of years old to her pet Pegasus, Aaron falls hard for the shy Valkyrie. Dare he risk his life for a kiss? He’s thinking about it, because already he’s given her his heart.

With This Heart is a standalone story, that’s part of the With These Wings Series—books that mix rock-hard military men with feathered-fantasy femme fatales for a sizzling hot adventure to find love. Join Chanticleer winner, Red L. Jameson, for more of this heart-tugging fairy tale series.

Saltwater Siren by Muffy Wilson

Was it love at first sight? Perhaps. Many thought it might have been the work of the unscrupulous Sea Witch, Hermione, long a bitter and banished King’s Court Matron. So, was it the crafty wiles of Hermione, scheming to seek her sordid revenge, or was it a simple matter of serendipity? All we know for certain is that two young royals, one landed and one not, met during a raging storm as fierce and intense as the love they would none too soon escape. Was it fate, design, or—perhaps—black magic? Who’s to say?

What we do know is that it was sensuous, erotic, and insatiable as they fought to extinguish the passions that flamed their heat by indulging in every desire that swept them into one another’s arms. Their shared carnal voracity fanned an appetite no amount of indulgence could satisfy.

After all, it happened…Once upon a time…

Dangerous Beauty, Sexy Beast by Dariel Raye

Drayden saved her life— but her incessant need for vengeance could mean the end of his.

Thirteen years after the brutal murder of Treva Evers’ entire family, a cloaked stranger shows up just in time to save her from the same fate. When he disappears as quickly as he appeared, she is drawn into an underworld replete with magic and long forgotten customs, a place where nothing is as it seems, including her mysterious savior, and every word or action could result in brutal consequences.

Rose Tears by Amanda Pillar

Death is coming for Lori Hardcastle.

Half-Succubus, half-Sídhe, Lori has been on the run since she was seventeen. Worried that her vengeful family will find her, she’s been hiding in the Borderlands, a magical plane nestled between the fae and human worlds. However, when her path crosses that of a dangerously sexy fullblooded fae, will she be able to survive the encounter?

Conrad Death is a cleaner (he doesn’t like the term ‘assassin’) for the fae White Queen. His latest mission: find the half-breed daughter of the Count of Tears. Easy. Except no one knows what she looks like, her real age, or even what name she uses. However, Conrad isn’t daunted by simple details – he’s finished every job he’s ever started. But when he meets a smoking hot Succubus in a Borderlands bar, his life is thrown into turmoil.

Rogue by Savannah Verte

Everyday immortal Bree Brigand gets a rude awakening as her family is slaughtered. Not only is the cursed, suicide blade of legend and lore real, but it has chosen her. She must quickly learn to fast-track a course she’s never navigated, in a world she thought only existed in campfire stories. But, only after coming to terms with the facts…her family is not her family.

Truths and lies collide in a world where the hunters and the hunted trade places faster than she can discern who is which, and everyone is an assassin. Can she find and claim her destiny? Or, will being marked by a male who is not her one true mate ruin everything, and clip this dragon’s wings before she can become all she is meant to be?

Hexing Hearts by Alyssa Drake

At eighteen, undeveloped witch, Remy Vasile abandoned her island home without a backward glance. Five years later, circumstances outside of Remy’s control have drawn her back to Firefly Island, dredging up painful memories which lay dormant during her absence.

Sebastian Ayres enjoyed a life of pleasure pursuits. However, his blasé attitude evaporates the moment Remy’s hand brushes against his. Irresistibly drawn to his mate, Sebastian must undertake the daunting task of persuading Remy that he is not just any man, but the only man, for her.

Unbeknownst to either, dark secrets, hidden since Remy’s birth, are about to be uncovered and Remy will be confronted with a life-altering decision. With the help of her sister and some unexpected allies, Remy must decide if she will fight and risk her heart or continue running from her destiny.

Dragons Curvy Concierge by Mychal Daniels

When Bronwyn Scott finds herself way over her head as the first-time business owner of a personal concierge service, she’s not about to fall for a rich mystery man trying to test her professionalism at every turn.

Determined to make her business a great success to find and show the mother who left her at birth that she made something of herself, Bronwyn has no time for games or entitled, gorgeous rich dudes.

MacMillan “Mac” Kelnar is at that time in his life where his business can run itself, he’s successful, powerful, and a mature Dragon who’s paid his dues.

When he sees his mate across the parking lot of a Home Improvement Center parking lot as she suffers a hit and run, he’ll stop at nothing to have her, even if that means pretending to hire her as his personal concierge.

Determined to have his mate, this Dragon won’t stop at nothing until his mate realizes that the only services he’s interested in are having all of her.

Credence - Moon Dragons by Decadent Kane

Torren is days away from competing in the Draconic Challenge and earning the prize he needs to complete his magic credence. His sky-high dream of apprenticing with the Ancients is finally in sight. The last thing this solitary moon dragon needs is a mate dragging him down to earth, and a human one at that. Not that his body will listen.

Dovie is minding her own business—literally—when a handsome stranger walks into her bookstore. One spontaneous orgasm later, she’s left with no choice but to close up shop. The last thing she needs is an overbearing dragon dragging her to his mountain and telling her to shelve her dreams in favor of a stupid contest. Not that her body will listen.

Torren and Dovie must fight their treacherous attraction to each other or sacrifice their ambitions forever. But moon dragon magic doesn’t choose lightly, and when darker forces shatter the peaceful mountain enclave the dragons call home, human and moon dragon alike will have to reconsider just what they need to achieve a happy ending.

Kiss of the Fallen by Kharma Kelley

Dear Readers, I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted nothing to do with the war brewing among all the Supernaturals and have grown tired of fighting all these centuries. All of us are screwed up anyway; but who am I to judge who drinks blood and who eats souls?     As luck (or lack thereof) would have it, I get sucked into one last mission with the vampires and the next thing I know, I find a half-naked demon chained to my bed; and let's just say she is not happy.  And, as much as I enjoy seeing a beautiful woman grace my bed, unfortunately, I'm not happy either.     Of all demons, someone delivers to me a Black Blood Slayer; demons bred to do one thing and one thing only: kill vampires.  Her blood is spiked with a desire I long to tame, but if I do, I could be six-feet under... again. And this time forever.  But her fighter's spirit and tenderness shakes me to my missing soul, wanting to claim her with a need I cannot name.  But with both of us on the run and my people gunning for us, how can I be sure she wants me to love or to kill?     -Commander Tristan Castillion, Vampire Royal Guard

Selene by Shelique Lize

My name is Selene and I am a moon goddess. Between my siblings and me, we control the balance of the universe. Without us, the mortal and immortal realms would be thrust into eternal chaos. Don’t ask me what that means. It’s what I’ve been told for as long I can remember. I have never questioned my existence because it was the only life I have ever known. Then one day, everything changed when I became enthralled with the earth.

I couldn’t resist the alluring beauty that beckoned me almost every single night. My curiosity was so fierce and dominate, it was becoming impossible to ignore it and I gave in. I found the only god brave enough to take me to the mortal realm but he wanted something in return. He wanted my body, and I gave it to.

I went to earth and experienced life like never before. It was like my eyes were opening and I started to question my entire existence. Feelings all of a sudden are very present and then everything changed again, when I fell in love with a human.

Being a goddess has never been so complicated.

One Last Lullaby by Kallysten

When Kirsten walks back into Jacob’s life after years of estrangement, it’s not to resume the relationship she once ended abruptly. Instead, she’s there to work as a mage for the same agency in which Jacob is a Special Enforcer… or at least, that’s her story and she’s sticking to it. Whether Andrew, her boss and one of Jacob’s fathers, hired her for her skills or to get her back in Jacob’s life is anyone’s guess.

Although Jacob is determined to see in Kirsten a co-worker and friend, he still loves her as much as he ever did. He used to believe she was ‘the one,’ and even years after she broke up with him he still doesn’t understand what happened. It doesn’t help that every little thing she does reminds him of what they once shared.

As the agency battles deadly demons night after night, the relationship between Jacob and Kirsten goes from awkward to downright painful… until one botched magic spell traps them in a strange world inhabited by the demons, and the only way back will require them to reveal to each other their most painful secret…

Lust by Liz Gavin

Magical, sinful New Orleans attracts many lost souls who find haven at kinky Club Desire. Marcel Revault is the real deal: bound to the house, haunting it for over 150 years. Clara Hervaux, movie-star extraordinaire, indulges in her dark side as a club regular. As an empath, she’s gotten hooked on Marcel’s otherworldly sexiness. When Clara goes missing, Marcel uses their empathic link to find her, but can he break the curse to save her? Or will Clara fall prey to the jealous witch who cursed him?

Witch Playground by Isis Pierce

When Samantha Smith agreed to cast a spell to sneak her friend Sassy into the hottest paranormals’ club in Vegas, she never thought she’d actually get caught. Now she’s facing a trial and the possibility of losing everything—including her magic, and maybe even her life. To get out of legal trouble, she might have to sleep with a vampire or go to hell with a bounty hunter. Maybe both. And that’s a whole new kind of trouble.

Frozen Soul by Catherine Banks

A wolf's love is forever...and so is the bond of the pack.

Even after she broke it off with their Alpha, Tysen, the pack still loved Jess. So when they discover her current boyfriend, Jon, is literally draining her soul, her wolf family is right there to come to her rescue. Back amongst their ranks, the bond she shares with them, and Tysen, grows stronger than ever, and she can't deny how desperately she's missed them all.

But now the truth of Jess and Jon's relationship comes blasting through the door and brings everyone to their knees; she's sacrificed more for the pack than any of them realized.

The question now remains: is there a way for Tysen to save her soul?

Taste Of Darkness by Catherine Vale

Natalya should have known better than to watch the handsome fisherman from the shadows, but she found herself drawn to him, night after night. If she had only stayed away from him, he would not be facing the darkness that will now haunt him for eternity. But she couldn’t stay away, and now it’s too late; he’s been turned into an abomination, a creature that will never again be free.

Natalya is all that Caine has left. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Natalya knows better than anyone what it’s like to have her world ripped out from under her, forced into the darkness, never to walk in the sun again. It wasn’t long ago when she was turned into a blood-sucking vamp, a ruthless killer. So when she finds herself to blame for an innocent human being turned, she knows that it’s up to her to save his life. But when Caine awakens to discover what he has become, will he ever be able to find his place in a world, where he just doesn’t fit in? And can he learn to forgive Natalya long enough to fight alongside her?

When a merciless pack of werewolves scent the newly created vamp, they will stop at nothing to destroy him, and everything he loves. Caine must learn to embrace his darkness, if he wishes to survive.

#WORDSTURNMEONCSA