#its not quite a loaf but 🤷‍♀️

[official-williewoo]

When she loafs, she looks vaguely like a charred marshmallow

[sandwhich-lady]

The time has finally come. Over all four years of my high school career I made a running list of quotes from high school and I vowed to post it when I graduated. And well, the time has come. So without further ado I present

Things High Schoolers Have Said: A Saga

Freshman year:

*while talking to a teacher* "this just proves short people are a menace to society"

"If we were comparing to spices, you *points at teacher* would be a ghost pepper and you *points at friend* would be ketchup"

Someone walking by: "like oh, hell is real"

"No dont trust me"

"You need to eat food bitch"

*talking about people hating pineapple on pizza* "I hope you had a satisfactory life because Imma end it"

"The eyesore of a church the sky daddy punished me with"

"Frankly, I dont know if I've been alive for 200 days"

"Are you eating a fucking egg with pineapple"

"They're like oh highschool is preparing you for college and then you get to college and your professor shows up in a t-shirt and shorts and with a jug of sprite"

"I had a very strong urge to eat my math homework" -me

"Honestly at this rate, why dont you trust me?"

"Because I still have some hope yet"

*laughs* " wow I dont know how to crush that"

"...There are cursive numbers??"

Sophomore year:

"Dont do anything you wont regret"

"I dont have the energy to bounce, Amy"

"I'm gonna quit band so I can work on actually not killing myself"

"I have the mentality of a 12 year old who just discovered sex"

"YOU GOTTA FLOWWW"

"LET ME ABSORB THE POTATO"

"You are so white. You are *so* white oh my god the the double l in El Pollo Loco not pronounced like a hard l! It's a yo sound"

"Apparently the bugs are really horny today"

"Wait where are you going?"

"I've been traumatized enough"

*stares at smushed sandwhich like questioning the audacity*

*yelled* "You're a loser! Talk to me when you're over five feet tall!"

"Crying, shaking, throwing up. Violently shaking."

"Ah! My lightsaber is stuck" -my euro teacher

"I cant wear crocs, I'm a 6'3" white guy"

"Kangaroos are like standing rabbits"

*picking victims for a murder mystery game*

"Mr [teacher's]...wife"

"Leave her out of this!"

"Is joe biden your phone lock screen?"

*offended* "no its pitbull"

"I almost punched a freshman yesterday"

"How much would you sell your soul for?"

"Panera bread mac n cheese"

"What's the point of fanfiction if it doesnt have sex in it?"

"Nah hes 32, not years old, cause that would be pedophilia"

"You shower naked??"

"I really want to annihilate an uncut loaf of bread"

"However, I think the disco ball constitutes sexy time"

"Sometimes, we all have to get married, and polygamy can be a byproduct of that, for the good of all humanity"

"I'd rather be gay than [be around] drunk men"

"Do you think I could fuck the liberty bell?"

"If you wear those fucking shoes to prom, I will curb stomp you and leave you in the McDonalds parking lot"

"Sometimes you're a little mentally funky"

"My stomach hurts so bad right now. If I throw up, sorry 🤷‍♀️"

"People were trying to commit social interaction with me so I had to leave the classroom"

"I've been channeling all my insanity into [AP] chem all year and now that's its done... I'm just insane"

"I feel like I inhaled liquid crack"

"Why is there communism?!"- looks up in math class to see the communist symbol drawn on the board

Junior Year:

"Bro you'll never guess who I saw"

"Who?"

"Everyone we hate"

-on the first day of school

"Hold it STEADILY, like a BAGUETTE"

"I may be a little obsessed with soup"

*emerging from behind a pillar* "a little? a LITTLE???"

"You're gonna pass out, that's on you"

"I would kill for a baby leopard"

"Everyone in set crew knows my name because you guys keep on yelling it"

"Did you just tell me to piss in a bucket??"

"You're the adolf Hitler of ladders"

"No we're going to invade crustacean world, duh"

"What if hes not here today?"

"No he is, hes wearing his lighting McQueen crocs"

"You're a potato colored mashed potato"

*wrapped in a pumpkin blanket* "its spooky season !!"

"I'm bringing something from my culture...beans on toast"

"But it was funny, therefore I have no regrets"

"What are you testing?"

"Uhh, my will to live"

"What constitutes above average calves?"

"I hate gifts and I hate you! *trips* ...that was karma"

"I can bring sauces...I can bring a variety of sauce" (for waffles)

"Let me be your roomba" to the tune of 🎶let me be your woman🎵

"Life in the midwest used to be really lonely and isolated and like sad...seems to be the same today"

"I don't want to go to No Place for Hate because...I love hating"

"If the grades dont touch neither do you"

"Anything can be a tortellini if you try hard enough"

"Lauren, does this curve look stupid"

"Its almost kidnapping. We dont do that here"

"Would you tell us [the embarrassing nickname] if Landon rizzed you up?"

"No"

"You heartless bitch"

"My moms a marriot slut"

"I think I can gaslight her into giving me an A"

"Their buttholes would have been shaking!"

"Their buttholes WERE shaking"

"Nuh uh!"

"I feel like I should be eating more strawberries...I think god told me"

"So I have to buy it on amazon like a fucking capitalist"

"SUE ME FOR BEING WHITE" -after a heated discussion about bagels

"But like who in their right mind would name their child 'funny valentine'?"

"Wait why did you say 'happy eggs'?"

"No you are not doing a homestuck quote"

Creative writing teacher: "if you do a homestuck quote you will be penalized"

"Mine's an ant romcom"

"Get your baby out of my marmalade"

"I just had the most refreshing five minute nap"

"He bit half the worm and we were like ryan no"

"Anyway, as I was saying, you look like a penguin"

"Are you shitting my dick!"

*after taking a math quiz*

"I'm gonna throw away this pencil, its cursed"

"Got that D tingle"

"I hate it here"

"I'm either the smartest person alive or dumb as shit"

“I get chills when she sings that part”

"I get chills when you shut your mouth"

"[This theatre company] is going to have so many suitcases. Maybe next year we can do a play about planes"

"Thank you?"

"Its a compliment"

"Thank you!"

"Wheres the quicky changy... excuse my lango"

"And colleges want to see that you're suffering"

*playing a game where you pick a category and name things in that category as fast as you can* "Marvel characters. Magneto!"

"Uhh dementia"

"If my heels arent in here I'm wearing crocs"

*comparing id/drivers license photos*

"I look like I'm on drugs"

"I look like I sold you the drugs"

Student A: "Arent we just the best students?"

Teacher: "Uh huh"

Student A: "That didn't sound very sincere"

Student B: "That's because it wasnt"

Student A: "oh"

Senior year:

“I pip pip and I cheerio, it’s just what I do”

“Excuse me, I need to be a little bitch”

*to psych teacher* “I was just wondering, since you’re antisocial, how did back to school night go?”

“I’m not saying a narc and a twink is the same thing, I’m saying you look like a narc AND a twink”

“You know how to turn that on??”

“Yeah, there’s an on button!”

“Bro I went to the beach recently and like I’ve never felt water like that before”

*talking about the existence of chocolate cows*

*from across the room* “what did you just call me?!?”

“What the fuck is anthropology? Is that plants?”

*to phone* “call pickle”

“Oh fiddlesticks!”

“Oh shitdicks!”

“I caught a charizard! I’m gonna name it penis!”

“People keep calling me baby shark and I just want to *strangling motion*, I want to tell them I’m not baby shark, I’m mommy shark”

“Some of these presentations are not going to eat, and I’m gonna be mad because I love a good slideshow”

Friend: “Carissa, why is your laptop so big?”

Me: “what?!” *looks around for validation*

Other friend: “look, I didn’t wanna say anything…”

*someone absolutely headbanging to Last Christmas*

*psych teacher going on a tangent*

“What’s he yapping about?”

“The uzsh (usual)”

*while running past us* “I parked my car in fucking Timbuktu”

*a little later*

Me: “this isn’t Timbuktu, this is like Canada”

*about Winston from 1984* “Damn this bitch is weak…I could bench him”

“So not a fursona but a humansona”

“I feel like I wanna build a bomb”- said in a physics classroom hopped up on Celsius

“Ugh this is so greasy”

���Just how I like my women…I don’t know why I said that”

*about a pair of butterfly scissors* “Look! It’s a little butterfly! Flap flap bitch”

“Are you being racist against clowns?”

“I think I’m gonna go home and do a backflip”

“You’re a furry”

“And you’re a whore”

“I know :)”

“I don’t even like books but I like women”

“Who wouldn’t want this hunk of meat” - tiny Asian girl

*after saying something nice about him* “No but also Carson you suck and you’re awful and we all hate you”

*wins blooket* “I guess I am serving cunt today”

A: “If you were a worm, what’s the first thing you would do?”

B: “Uhh burrow in the dirt.”

A: “That’s such a basic answer”

B: “Well what would you do??”

A: “World domination.”

[some time later]

A: “If you were a cricket what would you do?”

B: “World domination”

A: *weird look* “uh…ok”

B: “What would you do???”

A: “I don’t know, chirp”

“She was like ‘can someone read the definition of male vocalist?’ We don’t even have a male vocalist! The entire cast is nuns!”

“I have this theory, from what I’ve observed. Guys act gayer, girls are gayer”

Psych teacher: “what are you gonna do in Australia? Engineering?”

Alumni: “I’m gonna do women”

“You know what sounds really good right now?”

“S’mores?”

“Jumping off a fucking cliff”

“I was gonna serve cunt today but I slept in. I’ll serve cunt tomorrow”

“I wish I was able to hibernate. I wish I was given the same grace bears wear given”

“What are you so happy about?”

“I have CHICKEN!!”

“I’m gonna bark at him”

“I am sorry to disappoint everyone, but I am a straight individual”

“Four plus four equals ate”

“Ooh what’s 64 divided by 2”

“…32?”

“Oh-“ *was trying to get eight*

“Oh my god, oh my god”

*concerned* “what??”

“My uterus.”

“This train is so hot [read: attractive]”

“That’s called a concussion sweetie”

*to psych teacher* “you have stds?”

“You think he has women??”

“Did I ask?”

“No but I answered”

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there”

“Banana- wait no”

“The chicken is suicidal, the chicken is depressed, and I am the chicken” - about why did the chicken cross the road

“If I wanna hear sonic injesting coke, then I’m going to hear sonic injesting coke godammit”

“This is my bad ear-“

“The fact that you have a bad ear is really concerning”

“Well you have two bad eyes so fuck you”