#its mostly my rambles and me reblogging every single thing that i see

[kazbrekkerfast]

WHAT HOW DID I MISS THIS

I HAVE 50 FOLLOWERS THATS MENTAL THANKYOU SO MUCH!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL <3333

[ashirisu]

hey, everyone!

My name is Ley (pronounced like "Lee," she/they) and I'm a fiction writer/editor based in the PNW. I haven't done a proper writeblr intro in a while, so I figure the new year is a great time to reintroduce myself to the community!

— about me

An important thing to understand about me and the way I talk about writing is that this stuff is literally my entire life. Even outside of work, I don't think I have a single interest or hobby that doesn't relate back to storytelling in some capacity. I'm an avid media consumer and critic, and will hyperanalyze just about anything that catches my fancy for more than a minute.

I love science fiction and fantasy, and my goal as a writer is to take all the genres I loved growing up and create stories that are a little more diverse, inclusive, and queer.

— about the blog

I came to writeblr mostly to share my work, but also to find an active community where I can get excited with other writers and talk shop. Marketing is obviously a really important part of the publishing industry, but I get tired of having to filter every thought I have about my work and experiences through the lens of aesthetic micro-trends just to put it out in the world. Sometimes I just want to pop off about scenes I'm proud of, you know?

Above all else, I really just want to connect with more writers like myself, ones who got their start in fandom spaces and are working to take their writing from a hobby into a career. I see you, I am you, I love you, let's be friends!

You’ll definitely see me posting and reblogging a lot of stuff that isn’t necessarily related to writing, so be ready for that. My art exists in the context of my personality and the world as a whole, and I simply do not have it in me to maintain a whole separate blog for silly nonsense and memes. Just consider it a way to get to know the writer as well as the writing!

— about my writing

I write a lot, though most of it is disconnected nonsense. Flash fiction and short stories are where I really thrive as a writer. I don't tend to commit to long-form projects, but I have a few projects that I'll occasionally share details about!

I like to describe my style as "earnest and character-forward," which is a fancy way of saying that I like driven protagonists who think too much and are emotional to the point of it being a character flaw.

My goal is to share more of my original writing moving forward, so hopefully you'll get to see all of this for yourself. If I'm totally honest, though, you'll probably see more of me discussing my work than actually writing it.

— about my projects

Here are the things you'll most likely see me posting about:

Agnomen: A sci-fi retelling of Hamlet and Coriolanus, currently in its very preliminary stages. It is literally my Roman Empire, except it's set on a moon of a planet that I'm calling Jupiter as a placeholder (but please note that it isn't actually Jupiter, as Jupiter is a gas giant and therefore a scientifically impossible setting for large sections of the plot).

Alter Ego: A superhero fic in which not-so-mild-mannered reporter Drew Derrick fights for mutant rights and can't seem to get his act together when it comes to keeping the complicated parts of his life separate.

Untitled Fantasy Project: The very first project I ever wrote, and the piece I return to every so often when writing is feeling more like a slog than a fun hobby. I set a lot of one-offs in this world and follow a few key characters around without them having a real plot.

D&D: I write a lot about Baz, my Wild Magic Barbarian. He's a regency noble with a lot of problems, and I care about him very much. I also have various other settings and characters, but he's my most active PC at the moment and therefore gets the most attention.

Short Stories: Sometimes I write these, and sometimes I like them enough to share!

— tag directory

ley rambles: my (often wordy) opinions about things

ley writes: not necessarily my writing, but talking about my writing

my writing: stories, blurbs, and other content I've written

not my writing: reblogs and creative writing that I liked, shared, and sometimes commented on

[sawyer-is-eepy]

an Actual pinned™️

I have been avoiding writing an actual pinned but I can no longer put it off. my time has come

hi!! I'm sawyer, i'm E/INFP-T if that matters, and a member of the timeloop collective! we are pro endo, pro sysconversation, and anti psych! (our syscourse code: 👍/♥️/📘/🔸/🟢/🌗🌘/🟧/🌲/🌥/🍞/🐊/🐌/🐬)

I use ze/ae/they pronouns primarily, but i use any pronouns except it/its! I am a minor!

I/we interchangeably but mostly it'll be first person. refer to us however you'd like.

I love outer wilds, it's my special interest/hyperfixation at the moment! please talk to me about it! ::D

other interests include-

guilty gear games, risk of rain 2, lethal company, tloz series, cowboy bebop, full metal alchemist brotherhood, FLCL, sailor moon, TF2, half life, portal, your turn to die, sonic the hedgehog, journey(tgc), 2018 r&bw, b&pc, omori, ddlc, and many other things.

things to watch out for-

I frequently reblog posts about syscourse

I frequently reblog things with outer wilds spoilers.

everything about outer wilds that has ANY spoiler, however big or small, gets tagged #outer wilds spoilers. if you have not finished the base game, please block this tag and do so ^^

if the post is about echoes of the eye -the dlc- spoilers, it will be tagged as #echoes of the eye spoilers as well as the one above. if you have not finished the dlc, please block this tag and do so ^^

our dni-

basic dni + hateful anti endos, radqueer, pro-contact paras

please don't spoil:

I saw the TV glow, buffy the vampire slayer, trigun(original), samurai champloo, naruto shippuden, yume nikki, rain world, in stars and time, subnautica

tagging system - (feel free to block any of them that make you uncomfortable!)

#sawyer arts : drawings, paintings, art stuffs

#sawyer has thoughts : my thoughts/observations on things, like games or plurality or something, but not syscourse related

#sawyer is a syscourser : syscourse thoughts and posts. anything that is syscoursey will be tagged this but #sawyer has thoughts can include non syscourse-y plurality posts

#sawyer is upset : vent tag. probably won't be used often but just in case

then of course i already talked about the outer wilds tags, but just to reiterate- if you have not finished outer wilds please block #outer wilds spoilers and if you haven't finished the dlc please block #echoes of the eye spoilers! i will tag EVERY SINGLE REBLOG OR POST that has spoilers this, so you can browse my blog without that worry!

if youre a mutual and you want to, you can ask for a "don't look" tag if there's anything in specific that I post or reblog that you don't wanna see!!

relevant blogs -

@agate-rambles sideblog for tulpa-related shenanigans! frequently reblogs outer wilds stuff as well! same tags

i might add more to this later ^^

( also I am not good at making long intro posts like these, so apologies if I'm missing anything! I used to @ / jellyfish-grave 's pinned as a reference )

the future is plural!

Some friendos of mine that you should totally follow

@remithenoaitall - cousin. nothing else is interesting about them at all ever they're only here out of obligation /j

@jellyfish-grave - wooo close close friend of mine

@spacestationsystem - are pretty cool ^^ and SWEET TYSM y'all

@feychildfangs - wowow cool person. !!!

@nxva-blogz - coolio person!!! they do cool art and stuff

[crepusculum-rattus]

I posted 11,746 times in 2022

That's 8,264 more posts than 2021!

1,708 posts created (15%)

10,038 posts reblogged (85%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@antimony-medusa

@areus-in-a-little-cave

@greaterspawnislands

@crepusculum-rattus

@ghost-chi

I tagged 5,501 of my posts in 2022

#🐀 - 1,753 posts

#philza - 892 posts

#technoblade - 529 posts

#theodore rambles - 236 posts

#c!phil - 200 posts

#philza hardcore - 186 posts

#rat got mail - 176 posts

#emerald duo - 165 posts

#:] - 158 posts

#wilbur soot - 122 posts

Longest Tag: 131 characters

#me when my irls actually use my it/its pronouns 💖💖😭😭💖💖❤️❤️💕💕💖💖💖💞💖💗💚💚❤️❤️💜🧡🧡🖤💚💛🧡💞💞💞❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥😭😭🥰🥰

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

thinking abt hardcore phil.. most of his shelves are dusty because he has more stuff than he needs stored on them. he tracks dirt and sand and leaves all over his base and has to sweep every single night. every book he reads ends up with his own little annotations in the margins that are mostly little doodles of what the paragraph reminded him of. there’s a pile of random patches of fabric on the floor next to his bed, he meant to turn it into a quilt ages ago. he stays out all night during thunder storms just to collect the heads of mobs to hang on his walls then goes to sleep as the sun rises with soaking wet hair. he tries to make what he can entirely by himself, it would be easier to buy things from a villager sometimes but he’s stubborn. the sleeves of his shirts are always rolled up because it’s usually warm where he lives, which has resulted in really odd tan lines on his arms. he both knows where everything is stored in his base and also forgets the exact placement all the time. his hands are calloused from the long days of working without gloves (he has gloves now and he only forgets to put them on almost half of the time). he takes photos all the time and tries to paint what he’s seen instead when he can’t. the tips of his fingers are always a little shiny from the amount of gapples he eats on a daily. sometimes he forgets about his wings (somehow, after all this time) and they smack against doorframes as he leaves. he places the plants inside his of base outside when it rains instead of storms. there’s a few pieces of random pottery around the base from when he attempted to learn how to do so properly. he likes to stomp in the puddles left by the rain, especially when there’s a crow sitting next to it. he loves the world, his home, a lot because it’s his in everything that he does

278 notes - Posted July 23, 2022

#4

301 notes - Posted July 23, 2022

#3

THEYRE HOLDING HANDS

374 notes - Posted April 30, 2022

#2

hi hello would anyone like to see a hardcore phil poem i wrote just now

548 notes - Posted August 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

they should just keep playing ace race until someone rage quits the tournament entirely

3,230 notes - Posted August 20, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[chanluster]

hello all 😃

I was gonna post this at midnight on the first day of 2022, but real life is a bitch and in truth i forget things really easily now.

still, as 2021 has ended, i feel as if i had to come out of my hibernation and say a few things about this blog, and its impact.

first of all, i saw my fics hitting new milestones, and i couldn’t even believe that despite me being barely here i receive so much love and appreciation from you people. it means so much, and truly so much, that every single one of you take the time to read my mostly horny ramblings and leave a like, comment, reblog or ask 🥺 to know i am appreciated while i am not here has been one of my greatest achievements.

second, but most importantly, i wanted to mention a few people who have definitely impacted my 2021, and the fics they brought with them.

@mocimori — CHIAAAAA, LOMLLLLL TREASURE OF MY HEART 😭😭😭❤️❤️😭❤️😭😭❤️ you are another ive wronged with my terrible replies but now i see why you complained about uni 😭 that shit SUCKS but ever since you sent in those Paris asks you have managed to make me a complete SIMP of you and every artwork you’ve made of SKZ and genshin makes me wanna like retweet reblog bookmark comment subscribe EVERYTHING !!! you’re so insanely talented and to top it off you are literally one of the nicest people I’ve ever met????? pls pls forgive me for never replying and pls let’s write that anti hero! skz fic we are not doing it justice w all those theories we had 💀💀 i love you so so much and i hope you’re doing amazing ☹️❤️

@bruh-changbin — oh my fucking god . SKY. My Bitch. My Love. the few crackers i will love and appreciate in my life 🥶 no but seriously you are one of tumblrs few treasures I’ve experienced and this is a big one cause tumblr fucking SUCKS 😭😭 you’ve become such an important person to me and despite u sending me terrible #girlboss memes ur every tiktok, random traumatic moments of your life and twilight memes send me off the edge 😭 thank you for being a funny sexy mf and i promise ill watch twilight soon I PROMISE 💀❤️❤️ ps. pls reply to my tiktoks i want attention 🙄🙄

to lysol — @soobmint @honeyju @hyuckworld (+ all ur other personalities on tumblr 😻) — you fucking three holy shit i hate you all so much because now im obsessed with three stupid americans from across the world who i have never met but would give my kidneys for 😐😐😐 but seriously you three are the reason i haven’t given up on writing ☹️ you guys encouraging me, our constant borderline racially motivated bullying (call me currymuncher one more time alice addy 😐) and just being unforgivably yourselves have become such a comfort to me, and I genuinely wouldn’t know what I would do without you all. Thank you for being in my life. I actually mean it this time 🙄❤️❤️ (no but really i love you so much y’all are the reason for my attachment issues)

special mentions to @healinghyunjin @scxrlettwxtches @aliceu !! i know i never reply and am so so so dead on here but i promise y’all be living in my head rent free !! all of your fics are the reason i have faith in stayblr cause imma be honest with yall stayblr has a draught in good fics💀

now i know i don’t have an abundance of friends or mutuals on here, but the people ive mentioned here, and my readers and supporters are the reason ive given myself a small belief that I can do something with writing. university is being a pain, i am tired, but you all give me strength to hopefully become active again.

i apologise if all of this sounds a bit random and all over the place, but that’s because it’s midnight and i feel like im about to pass out — a mf needs her sleep 💀 anyway, i hope you all have an amazing 2022, and please stay safe ❤️

[inf3stissumam]

For the prompt thing could I request 14 and 17 with Mary Goore? 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Number 14! I'll reblog with 17 when its finished, sorry this got so long!

The dive bar you bartended at was home to many rough, grungy, and loud bands that came in and out regularly and drew in rowdy crowds full of all the misfits and goth kids from the nearby college. There were a few local bands that played at the bar almost every week and you came to recognize them, you even became a fan of one of them. Their lead singer was hard to ignore with his pallid complexion, cheeks and eyes hollowed with black makeup, and his signature blood splattered face; not to mention the fact that he had the best metal voice of any of the bands you had ever heard play there. You had to admit that the nights that his band played left you easily distracted and made your job a bit more difficult, albeit much more enjoyable. You were always nodding along to his music as you poured drinks and although you couldn’t pick out any of the lyrics or the titles there was always one song that started with a slow guitar melody and you loved it and looked forward to it every time. You came to learn the lead singer’s name after a few months when he started coming to the bar after shows to indulge in a single beer. The industry was not forgiving, and you presumed it was because he didn’t have enough money to splurge on more than one drink – you always gave him the employee discount out of appreciation, but he didn’t know it. You had offered him a drink on the house, but he wouldn’t accept – you learned that night that he was quite stubborn. You also learned his name that night: Mary Goore. You read it off of his credit card. He never stuck around the bar for long, he would make his rounds to talk to all the patrons to promote his band or to find someone to go home with. After months of watching him do the same after every performance, you realized that it wasn’t just because he was looking for a quick fuck or to gain popularity through one night stands, but rather that he did it because he wouldn’t have a place to stay otherwise.

One night the bar was unusually empty – it was the homecoming football game at the local college which left only a few straggling, unamused tourists hanging about the bar while Mary performed. The patrons cleared out shortly after the set ended and you watched the band pack up their equipment as you wiped down the bar. Mary seemed a little lost, not knowing how to carry himself without being able to do his usually schmoozing. When the band was mostly finished, you watched as Mary made his way to the bar and began pouring a large glass of draft beer, setting it down right when Mary slumped in bar stood looking upset. It couldn’t have been easy to give so much to your art and performances with so few people paying attention and no money to show for it. You admired him for it.

“Mary. It’s on the house tonight, don’t argue with me.” You said to him firmly, prepared for his stubborn refusal.

But it never came. He just nodded, keeping his head and gaze down and dragging the glass towards him silently. He drained half the glass in one gulp. You reached a hand out to set it on the bar near him so he knew you were speaking to him.

“Mary? Is everything okay?” You hoped you weren’t crossing a line. This was pretty much the first time you had spoken more than a word to each other, despite seeing each other almost weekly. He didn’t respond, didn’t even look up as he finished his beer quickly. You knew that Mary needed a place to stay that night – there was no one left in the bar for him to ask.

“Look I know we don’t know each other well but I’m still worried about you. No one deserves to be alone.” You lean your head down to speak to him, not wanting to embarrass him or seem patronizing. He looks up and finally meets your eyes, eyebrows crooked like he was confused and shocked that anyone had noticed him and worried about him.

“Do you need a place to stay?” You asked him. “I live just around the block and there’s no reason for you to have to sleep in your car tonight. Just… stay with me? You can have the bed and I can sleep on the couch just… you never know what will happen at night around here and I just couldn’t sleep knowing that you didn’t have a safe place to sleep.” You rambled, knowing there was a high possibility you sounded like a creep. You just genuinely wanted to help him, you respected his craft so much and wanted to show that to him, unlike so many other people who frequented the bar and took advantage of his situation.

“Yeah… okay,” he mumbled, eyes on his fidgeting hands. “But please, I won’t let you sleep on the couch. That’s my only request, its your house you deserve to enjoy your own bed.”

You didn’t push it, knowing how stubborn he was. But later that night when you got back to your place and ready for bed you asked Mary once more if he wanted the bed, knowing it must have been a while since he had a comfortable place to sleep.

He said no, but he sat on the bed while he waited for you as you got ready for bed in the bathroom. When you were finished, he had already fallen asleep on your bed.

As you moved him slightly to tuck him under the covers, he reached two arms out, grabbing at you like a child. You were endeared and your heart tugged the way it had all those times you heard him play your favorite song. So, you joined him.

When he woke up with his back pressed to your chest and your arms wrapped around him, he didn’t even argue when you asked him to stay in bed.

“God, you don’t know how many times I’ve imagined waking up like this with you…”

[hellroots]

『 MOBILE FRIENDLY RULES 』

— here you will find my rules or can also find them on my gdocs as well once i’m done with it. please like this if you read it, but otherwise don’t interact with this post, thank you. rest assured that i always read my moots rules before following and that i fully expect the same courtesy. i tried not to let them get too long but feel free to ask me anything you wanna know about them if it’s not clear ok?

 『 THE MUN』

NOXTROMUN, THEY/THEM, 21+, BRAZILIAN

shy but friendly ! i don't follow for follow, if i follow you that means i've read your rules and want to write with you. i have no triggers nor squicks of my own except drama in the dash, for that reason i do not engage in callouts/witch hunts and if you do it on a constant basis i might have to hard block you for my own peace of mind. although i may come off too strong/harsh, i am always up to talking things out privately. as long as you are civil, so am i. any form of hate will be deleted and blocked -  sometimes mocked, if i’m feeling cocky…

『 THE BLOG』

HELLROOTS, INDIE ( POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING AND NOT MINOR FRIENDLY ), HIGHLY SELECTIVE & PRIVATE MULTIFANDOM MULTIMUSE

primarily run on a low activity \ effort and with a slow speed.. my muselist changes a lot, depends a lot on what i’m watching lately so bear with me please. this is a drama free zone, therefore do realise that mun ≠ muses and (obviously) writing ≠ condoning !! as a quick note, do keep in mind that my blog is my safe space, just as your blog is yours - you are responsible for your own internet experience just as i am responsible for mine. should anything in my blog annoy/trigger/squick you, i strongly encourage you to block me & not write with me - your mental health is far more important ( for me, and hopefully for you as well ) than rp. on that note, please do not softblock me - that’s annoying, just hardblock please.

『 THE TRIGGERS』

TRIGGER HEAVY, PROPERLY TAGGED AND TAKING NO CRAP

i  usually  tend to write for trigger heavy fandoms (such as asoiaf, kingdom and others) and may incorporate some of it into my writing, muses' backgrounds and overall characterization. if you're bothered \ squicked \ triggered by that, i kindly encourage you to reconsider and not follow me. no amount of rp fun is worth your mental health.  i try to tag everything accordingly and i fully expect the same courtesy for our followers' sakes. be aware that there may be mentions of death, gore, violence, consanguinamory \ endogamy (especially when it comes to the lannisters and kekkei genkai clans), rape ( kingdom, though it will only be mentioned on the character’s backstory ) and cannibalism ( hannibal and kingdom ) , as well as unhealthy relationships and dynamics alongside with powerplay, and otherwise bad behaviours.  for all that is sacred, please, do note that i, the mun, do not approve, support or condone any of these actions or behaviours !!  i simply am capable of separating fiction from reality. as long as everything is properly tagged, with mutual consent and there are no minors involved (muse and especially not muns), . i support the right of a consenting adult to explore these awful dark topics in a safe fictional environment with other like minded consenting adults, people shouldn’t have to share their traumas to strangers on the internet to explain why they write what they write, be considerate. if that notion bothers you perhaps you might not want to interact with me, for both of ours sakes. fair warning, most of my graphics and aesthetics might trigger those who have xylophobia/hylophobia (phobia of trees or wooded areas), and considering it is a main theme here i will not be tagging it, i'm sorry. but its too many. however, if you want me to create a special tag for you, there's no issue! it will be either "[your mun name] don't look!" or "[your url] don't look!", whichever you prefer. QUICK EDIT/ADDITION: i do not believe that aging up fictional characters is inherently a bad thing - from what i understand, the whole appeal of aging up a character is that while you like their personality but you do not want them to be kids (for whatever reason) but insteasd adults. if you are one of those who think that aging up a character is automatically something bad (without even knowing why it was done in the first place) don’t bother following me because i do think that opinion is quite silly.

『 THE INTERACTIONS』

OC, DUPLICATE, MULTIMUSE AND CANON DIVERGENT FRIENDLY

my tagging system is simple, i tag triggers as "tw; x" and . images that may be sensitive or triggering as "cw; x". you can further see how my tags work by taking a look at my tag dump post, just search ‘tag dump’ on my blog and you will find the most recent one i’m using.    i shitpost and talk oocly on the dash constantly but you can easily blacklist my tag if it bothers you.  here's something you should know about me:  when i'm doing drafts i usually don't feel like chatting much, so please do not spam me because i won't be able to reply, i love to talk with my moots but sometimes it overwhelms me.  on that note, please don't pester me for replies ic or ooc, i am slow and chances are that if you try to guilt trip me or just nag me about it i'll leave as the ones i'll get to in the later end on purpose, just out of spite. yes, i be like that.   please be patient - i’ll never pressure you and expect the same in return.  plotting wise: i prefer to just wing it with just a faint idea of where to take the thread but honestly i'm cool with anything. please be considerate when formatting your replies, i have a bad eyesight & if i can't read it, i won't bother with it.   my own formatting is simple and clean.   on a smaller note, please bear with me and my muses as my muses ramble a lot but you don't have to match the length, just give me something to work with. if we write together, the chances of me making edits/tagging you in stuff are really big, just lmk if you don’t like that though !

『 THE FLEET』

MOSTLY BI/PAN MUSES, MULTISHIP AND MULTIVERSE, SMUT FRIENDLY

i love shipping but i like my ships to be devices to move the plot/dynamics/muses forward, every once in a while though i partake in some much loved self indulgent shipping. just because i ship a certain pairing don't presume that my characters are approaching yours with second intentions, please.   most of the time i like to reblog those relationship memes, so if you’re interested in a ship the best way (other than  sending me a message ofc) to let me know is by sending ones. there will be some triggering ships here ( like the lannisters, both cersei x jaime and joanna x tywin are my otps, and potential inter clan ships, like with the hyugas - i mean how the hell you think they keep the byakugan in their family?? ) that may either be played with trusted friends or be mentioned/reblogged sometimes, all properly tagged so you can easily blocklist/avoid it.  most of my muses are either bi or pan, those who are not will be specified. don't be afraid to reach out to me for shipping right off the bat - i'd rather have you to be open and honest with me about the interactions you want than lying to me, just know that there will be needed some plotting and threading first to see if your muses match. as an adult, my blog is smut friendly, i partake in sexual sunday a lot because some of my muses are very lewd in nature, you can blacklist my tag if that bothers you as well.

『 THE FINAL NOTES』

GENERAL RP ETIQUETTE APPLIES, CREDITS, THANK YOU FOR READING MY RULES

lastly but not least, general rp etiquette applies on my blog: no godmodding, forced ships, etc. there’s only ONE thing that truly makes me go apeshit crazy, and it’s when people don’t read my rules. i ALWAYS find out and it’s not pretty; i block it like it’s hot, ♪ ♫ ♬ block it like it’s hot ♪ ♫ ♬.   i strongly assure you that i always read your rules before both following you and also before sending memes, just in case. on a much smaller note, i’m not so hot on single shipping and i really feel weirded out about people forcing me to pic who i’m going to interact with due to theirs DNI’s. while i get DNI’s when it comes to actual predators, when it’s something seemingly random chances are that i’ll softblock you because it weirds me out how volatile some can be when it comes to a hobby. i have some trigger heavy hcs ( for example, the one about jiraiya’s hypersexuality being rooted in trauma that he suffered at a young age ) that i share with only a few muns that are closer with me, so i’ll be mentioning them every once in a while but won’t share them, please don’t insist.  i don’t really like most of the main characters of the franchises i write for, and when it comes to certain characters  i reserve the right to decline an rp for my own comfort. for further info on what i use to make my graphics please check my “CREDITS.” tag.  most of my stuff is made by me, i’ve got a lowkey rph in case you wanna check it out it’s @brazucahelps, however if you want a custom content i can see if i get a free time to come up with something :D

 IF YOU READ THIS FAR, THANK YOU SO MUCH — JUST ONE LAST THING, COULD YOU PLS LIKE THIS SO I KNOW YOU’VE READ IT? <3 THANKS!

[yeoldontknow]

❧ check in tag

tagged by the sweetest angel @propinqxity to do this little tag. this is such a cute list of questions, and some of these i dont think ive been asked before. thank you so much for the tag and the tumblr crush mention lovely. you truly are a bright spot on this website and i mean that sincerely <333

going under a cut because im certain i will ramble ~

1. Why did you choose this url?

its sort of like a pun between yall dont know and the fact that, hopefully, sincerely, chanyeol does not in fact know that i run this blog lmao i changed to this after a long time of being bread-jinie and i wanted to rebrand. i will, however, do my best to never change URLs again because the masterlist switch over was a complete hassle

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them

i have a fic recs blog called @yeoldontknowiread. as to why i have it, i know it hasnt been updated in ages since ive been kind of on hiatus, but i think reading and sharing work on this platform is immensely important. i actually read quite a lot of fanfiction, and i try my best to share the things i read. im very very behind on recs at the moment cause i try my best to write something substantial for every recommendation i make. as a writer, i know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feedback on fics that make my heart soar so i try to put in the same energy to my recs. community is only fostered when there is reciprocation

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

hmmm since april 2017. i actually had my 4 year anniversary this year and i did have plans for things but i got roped into real life things and couldnt celebrate the way i truly wanted to :(

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no but sometimes i think i should. i view tags as a library on top of my knee jerk response to things. most of my tags are just my initial thoughts or feelings at any given moment, so those take precedence over a specific queue tag

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

when i was getting into exo, i was reading fanfiction like crazy. i used to write fanfic quite a lot in other fandoms, but at that time i hadnt written anything in about 2.5 years. exo was the first re-introduction to that feeling of excitement and inspiration. after about 3 weeks of straight reading, i decided i wanted to write again. i wrote the prologue to hero in about two hours and tried logging into AO3 to post it. sadly i forgot all of my log in information because it had been years, and was getting frustrated. i really wanted to put it somewhere out of fear that id lose interest if i didnt do something with it, and everything id read had been on tumblr. so i made a tumblr just to put hero lmao i didnt have any mutuals. it was a blog with straight 0. i hadnt even created an account to interact with writers before that moment, i really thought id be a silent reader forever. but exo woke me back up and for that i am eternally grateful.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

the yours music video is...so stunning? like the colour theory throughout the whole thing is truly so inspiring and gorgeous. and this shot of chanyeol looking at the painting took my breath away, truly. tulips and the color of peach, like do you know how evocative that is? ugh

7. Why did you choose your header

my header was made by @jamaisjoons for my birthday this year because shes literally the most talented person when it comes to graphics. and this was so kind of her to do, i cried a lot

8. What's your post with the most notes?

uhm....either the body through time or truth i cant remember which but i checked recently and its one of those

9. How many mutuals do you have?

honestly at this point im not even sure. i know ive lost a bunch while i was on hiatus because i was basically a dead blog, and some people do dash cleanses. and im certain others have left, too, for their own reasons. still, i have a good core of friends though who are active and that is enough for me

10. How many followers do you have?

more than i probably deserve

11. How many people do you follow?

399

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

uhm i guess? there was a time when nng was not updated and every wednesday id post the days go by music video in sadness and grief but im not a big shitposter. if i make a text post its usually a life update or me crying about chanyeol, theres no inbetween lmao

13. How often do you use Tumblr every day?

tbh i havent used tumblr that often, not since march i think. i used to use it many times a day, checking in on friends and stuff, but once i started focusing on my phd applications i was only here sporadically. i didnt make an announcement either, just let my blog run on queue so i wasnt totally gone. i think i was checking in twice a week or maybe once every two weeks to refill my queue and check mentions etc. but now that my interviews are done im trying to get back on here daily to reconnect

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

ive had my share of disagreements with people and any details about those situations shall remain as they are meant to: private

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

in what context? like, you need to reblog this or your wish wont come true? or like, please reblog this to spread the word/spread awareness, etc? in the case for the former, i scroll right by. in the case of the latter, if im around and see someone raising a go fund me or some major event is occurring and i find a post with good sources or charities i will reblog. mostly though, the full extent my activism isnt really on this blog. its my escape from reality. my activism is usually placed on other platforms.

16. Do you like tag games?

i doooo!!! theyre so fun i love learning about my friends

17. do you like ask games?

i love those too! theyre so cute and usually a nice way to have interaction immediacy with people in the community

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

no one. can we please abandon this notion of fame on tumblr? arent we all here to write about some dick and some smut and some fluff and then hang out together and log off? lmao tumblr isnt reality and followers/fame is so arbitrary on this platform, no one has any control over any of it

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i am in love with so many people here. let me name a few:

@yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @inkedtae @kookdiaries @yoonia @dulcetvk @kithtaehyung @imdifferentshadesofpurple @ditzymax @sugaurora @sahmbtsficrecs @junghelioseok @yeojaa @augustbutwinter @joonscore @btssavedmylifeblr @cutechim @sunshinekims @kimtaehyunq @ouvuo @delhyun @exo-stentialism @sooibian @softyoongiionly @jinseunie @zibermuda @bratkook @1kook @luffles424 @xjoonchildx

and so many other people and mutuals that i am certainly forgetting. love is such an expansive feeling, and it encompasses platonic ardor and creative desire. i admire every single person listed for so many different reasons, and cherish and treasure them or what they provide to the community. love is such an important and broad experience. truly, i hope they feel adored every single day x

[anyu-blue]

~

I know a big part of it is the sleep deprivation.. again.. but I'm hella depressed.

Like overall I'm.. content? I guess? I have job. = Good. I have place to live. = Good. I have my game(s) I can play anytime I have time/want. = Good. I have appointments to try and get feeling better and keep trying and keep trying when I don't. = Good. I have Kizzy and will probably have him for at least 3 more years, if not longer. = Good. I have contingency plans in place for paying for my surgeries. = Good.

I've got a lot of good right now. And it's not that I'm ungrateful. I am EXTREMELY grateful. Considering my issues I've done extremely well. Even if some of it was on accident.

It's just.. well.. I'm tired, of course. Not sleeping well or much for days on end sucks. Especially because I could have, but people are going to keep living their lives and accidentally waking/keeping me up because they just don't think about my situation 24/7. Or even know it. Or consider it. Because life's too short for that according to, like everyone but me.

I'm sick of course. I've definitely tried the 'I'm doing great/not sick!!' mindset.. and it doesn't work.. cuz stuff HURTS. I don't have the energy to keep pretending either... And I don't think there was really a time I wasn't sick. Not in my whole life.. and It feels impossible to have any hope I'll ever not be physically sick... No matter what or how hard I try. Especially because I'm aging as all people do. Especially being forced to constantly check what I eat because if I don't I can hurt myself/make myself even more sick. Or starve, which hurts me too but is better than the alternatives. Especially being I have to rely on a healthcare system that looks down on what I can afford. Especially because what I can afford is so little. Especially because of our healthcare system being so politically charged people like me with the needs I have (even just replacing bones!!! Hello?! Our STUPID society forgets teeth are BONES and NECESSARY ones at that- but the instant you say teeth people literally don't give two shits, think you're just vain, and 100% brush you off. Even doctors.. and I have cried so hard over this stupid stuff and tried to rally and I'm STILL trying to save my own god damn life. I hate saying that's what I'm doing because I have some of that stupidity in me of thinking vanity... But I'm literally trying to save my forsaken life and be a LOT less miserable, and I feel so hopeless because only the little people who get it actually seem to want to help/be able to push aside that vanity thought and it hurts so badly to ask them to squeeze for me-- thank you if you're reading this and you've reblogged/shared my post. And I cannot thank you enough, and feel I owe you so much if you've donated... Every tiny bit helps. You and I are little people in the sense we don't exactly have $10,000+ to just throw around an have no worries about lol)

I'm.. also lonely? I guess? .. it's probably the best way to describe it. I don't like people all over me. Or really messaging constantly because moods change and People have lives.. but I miss... I want... Stress free interactions. Getting to spend time and go and do things. Not being alone all the time or missing out on everything. Time is meaningless pretty much right now in the sense I've missed all the holidays. 100%. No time spent celebrating or using the time or even seeing people. Im so much a damn adult and yet I still feel like crying whenever my siblings/cousins talk about last halloween because they had so much fun... They spent the day together in matching costumes by themselves at a park. And that's it... I was delirious from sleep deprivation when I saw them for the 5 minutes I did.. and stress because of my ex being the bastard he is to me. And work. So I couldn't join them. And it doesn't bother them in the least. It's such a happy memory for them and I am struggling to let go of the envy. They have so many days they spend together too.. remotely mostly, but they have so much fun. They wake me up alot with their calls.. and get pissed when I'm like hey guys I'm sorry but could you tone it down? I honestly stopped asking lately because they get so pissed and have even been like 'It wasn't me at all!!' even when I can quote what they said back to them and try to find anything and anyone else to blame... My little sister especially is CONSISTENTLY Telling me she has no idea what she even just said so I know it's bullshit it's not her.... And it just hurts. I try so hard. I drug myself to fall asleep almost every single workday now and I hate it. It's not good for you I feel. Says non habit forming but I just. Uck. And I have familiar, soft sound on. And I've shut my cat out. And I've consistently changed my bedding and cleaned and worn masks/covered my eyes, and done everything I can think of to try and make sure I'm going to sleep as long as possible. I don't go to bed and wake up early in the evenings to cook or spend time with them anymore because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I don't stay up to see my sisters during the day anymore. Because I'm trying to give myself more sleep. I turn everything off (besides what I hope will help with the noise) at noon and try to lay down as soon after noon as I can every day. Anything blue gets covered or turned off. Everything has red light filters too to get rid of the blue.. but I can't seem to get more than a few jagged hours any given day unless it happens to be their early days where they take naps or I end up so exhausted I'm passed out at night when I should be awake so my shifts aren't so hard... So all that adds up to my being alone and lonely as my own damn fault. Because obviously I stopped making the efforts... The thing that hurts most about that is I was the only one making ANY effort at all to include myself in people's lives (still rings true for everyone in my own city at least- family, friends, the works).. and when I HAD to stop and told them why and asked if they'd be willing to meet me sometimes when it was hard for them (even like once a month fully planned out if need be, or spontaneous because I'm NOT picky)... I got yesses. I did. But. Do you think it ever once happened besides the very day we talked about it?

No.

I can and have gone through every single message and note I have (my memory isn't what it was after I got as sick as I did last fall so I try to keep track of everything instead of relying on my memory anymore)... The only person who even slightly tried was only doing so because he wanted every gd opportunity to beg me to sleep with him (pretty much- he wasn't subtle).. and I had to cut him out because he's not a good person in his own right, sadly. Which left me entirely alone in many ways. Which leaves me entirely alone unless I reach out first and sacrifice sleep.

The continuance of this unfortunately has contributed to my depression.. and the fact no one wants to be around cuz I'm a bummer. And the sleep issues have caused irritability I try so hard to control, but at certain stages I just lose my filters and don't want to say stuff or ramble but I also don't want to miss the opportunity with the person (usually one of my sisters) so stuff gets awkward and they don't like being around THAT. And I don't blame them. But I'd do?

Ugh... I know night shift is my fault... And is a major part of the problem... But I work it to avoid People who don't care about me and mine. To keep myself safe. To keep myself from having panic attacks. I'm doing a lot better with them... But I was breaking down so often at or about work it was getting out of hand... With night shift I'm not overwhelmed like that and I don't have to worry do much about my poor mind losing its sharpness as much. I can take my time more or less. And I get paid enough to survive. ....

I'm just depressed and I know it's on me but I wish I had more help than I do..

Wishing is also the problem. Instead of being happy with what I have.

Blargh...

[kitkatd7]

Operation Light Beam - Part 1

Summary: Hydra uses a blinding technique on all the Avengers for a year. You’re the first one to get your sight back…but you can’t tell them. Hydra is still listening, and it could cost the teams’ lives if you tell them. Can you save your adopted family? And will you get the chance to tell Bucky how you feel?

Warnings: Mutual pining, language, Violence, Death.

Word Count: 2,721

Authors Note: Notes, Reblogs and Comments are greatly appreciated! There is a taglist for this series, let me know if you want to be added to any of my taglists!

Thanks for reading my trash!😊

Permanent Taglist:

@lovesmesomehiddles @saiyanprincessswanie

Masterlist

--------------------------------------

Rushing around the corner outside of the warehouse you fired 3 rounds from your 22, quickly taking out the guards stationed at the door. Screeching to a halt before the door. Swiftly kneeling next to the doorknob, you pulled out your lock pick and easily undid the simple lock. Cheapskates. If they wanted to keep the Avengers out, they should get better doors.

“Guess I’ll have to thank Natasha sometime for showing me how to do that.” you muttered under your breath as you walked down the corridor of the supposedly abandoned building.

“Why don’t you just thank me now?” you heard from behind you.

Whirling around, to face her, you took in the familiar figure dressed in her typical black cat suit, hair tied back, guns in hand.

“Some other time, I’ve got a job to do at the moment.” You sassed, turning around once more to continue walking down the hall. “Speaking of jobs Nat, I thought you were supposed to go to the west entrance.” You questioned, continuing your way inside, checking the rooms as you went.

“Yeah, well, I was going to. Then Steve told me you would need help.” She joked, following you down the hallway, watching the door you had come through. “No, they actually added an extra 20 guards there, so Tony said to worry about them later.” She murmured to you.

“Was that too much for the Black Widow to handle?” you teased.

“Don’t worry about me, Princess. I just came to watch you work- and save your ass when you take on too much.” She replied, amusement sparkling in her eyes and laughter in her voice.

Shooting her a poisonous glare you rounded the next corner, taking out the 4 guards at the next doorway. “Still think I can’t handle myself?” you spat back, a mixture of humor and anger at the implement that you needed a babysitter.

” Oh, c’mon Y/N, I know you can take care of yourself! It’s Bucky who’s worried about you…ya know, after what happened last mission.” She trailed off, afraid to bring it up the lecture that had taken place too many times.

You had heard it from every member of the team. Some of them had given you the speech more than once. It was always somewhere along the lines of “you need to be more careful! What if next time its worse!” or “you don’t know when to slow down! What happens when you get yourself into something you can’t handle, and we aren’t around to save you?!”

Okay so maybe you could be a little reckless, but it always worked out.

Well, almost always. Last time things had taken a bad turn and ended with you being shot in the stomach. But that had been months ago. When were they going to let it go? Besides, you had made a full recovery and were back to doing what you loved- kicking ass.

Shaking away the memories, you stepped over the guards who were laying on the ground, unmoving. Pushing through the double doors and into the warehouse storeroom with Nat, you both started firing rapidly at the Hydra agents occupying the large room. Turning your attention to the 10 agents left in front of you, you quickly started shooting again. Bam, one down. Bam, bam, bam, bam. 5 down, 5 to go. Raising your weapon once more, you aimed at your next target, squeezing the trigger. Click. Damn it! You needed to reload, and you didn’t have time, they were running towards you, grabbing their guns on the way.

Thinking fast, you rolled behind the large boxes stacked on the huge shelves that ran the length of the entire room. Keeping your eyes trained on your attackers, you dropped the magazine out of your gun while grabbing a full one out of your vest. Rapidly inserting it into your gun, pulling back the slide and loading a round into the chamber you raised your pistol once more, firing and taking out the 3 agents furthest from you before dropping your weapon. Running around the corner of the shelves you grabbed the agent closest to you, twisting the gun out of her hand and grasping the back of her head with your other hand before driving your knee upwards and slamming her head against it. releasing her as she crumpled to the ground. Easily evading the punch thrown at you by the remaining guard, you swiftly twisted his outstretched arm around to his back, turning him so you were behind him as well, forcing his hand up towards his head as he screamed in agony and dropped to his knees. Taking his gun from the back of his belt you put it against his head. “Talk.” You growled.

Looking up, you see Nat casually walking towards you. Her side of the storehouse room now littered with bodies of unmoving agents.

“I swear I don’t know anything! Please don’t hurt me...” the guard pleaded.

“You don’t know what you guarding? Or why?” Nat questioned, crouching in front of him and tipping his chin towards the light overhead. Shaking his head vigorously, he started rambling, “I don’t know what it is! All I know is they called it Operation Light Beam! I didn’t even want this job, but they offered me 10 grand, for 1 week of work! Please let me go.”

You looked at Natasha and could tell she had thought the same thing. 10 thousand dollars is a lot of money, especially when they were only supposed to be guarding a few sniper rifles, a shipment of Accuracy International AW50’s you had been told, military grade guns for destroying ammunition dumps, boats and light armored vehicles mostly. Something wasn't right here. No one pays security that much for a single shipment of those guns. Drugs maybe, but not guns.

Or something worse.

“We need to go, and we need to tell the team about this.” you tell Nat, while securing the guards hands behind his back with a zip tie. “We will, but first let's take care of him.” she says as you walk around to face him, seeing his eyes widen at the implication of her words. “Relax, we won't kill you, but when you wake up, you’ll have one hell of a headache.” she told him before raising her gun and bashing him over the head with the butt of it, watching him slump to the ground. “There, he should be out for at least a few hours at least. Now let’s go.”

Exiting through the door on the opposite side of the room, you started to dispatch over your comms the information you got out of the guard to the rest of the team. You were halfway through your task when the line turned to static. “Comms are down. Now what?” you asked, looking towards your best friend and trainer. “Now we go find the boys. Clint said he’s in the east wing with Barnes. Let's head there first.”

---------------------------------

Entering another large storeroom, you see that this one looks much like the one you and Natasha had left; unmoving agents lay scattered across the floor. Dead or unconscious, you couldn’t tell.

Raking the room with your eyes, you notice Clint standing in the corner of the room, furthest from the doorway, bow in hand with an arrow knocked in place. The only acknowledgement from him is a small nod. Looking to the side, you spot Bucky, dressed in the standard black tactical gear, crouching over a large metal shipping box, filled with the AW50’s, you suspected.

Your gaze travels back to Bucky. Damn he looked good in gear. The pants tight on his ass, making his thighs look sinful, your eyes lingered there for a moment. Focus Y/N, now is not the time to get distracted. you tell yourself. Glancing over at Nat, you find her staring at you and smirking. Damn it. She had caught you gaping at him.

Forcing yourself to focus, you try the comms again. Nothing.

Walking over to the super soldier, you peer inside the box to see a... Transmitter? Not the rifles you had been expecting.

“There’s another 11 of these over there.” he tells you, gesturing to a shelf of identical boxes. “Do you think they are related to this Operation Light, or whatever it is?”

“Operation Light Beam, and yes, I think it’s connected. The only question is how.” you said, trailing off into thought.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Doll. The question is what is the Operation in general.” he replied, standing up so he was towering over you.

God, why did he have to be so tall and handsome and have such a smooth voice and rich laugh. Not to mention those eyes...you could get lost in those gorgeous blue orbs. And when he called you doll...Oh you wanted nothing more than to kiss those perfectly pink lips.

You were pulled back to reality when a flash of metal crossed in front of your face. Bucky was waving his hand before your eyes trying to get you to focus. You had been staring again. Shit. “Sorry, what were you saying?” you muttered, blushing madly and averting your eyes. We’re on a mission. I need to pay attention. You scold yourself mentally.

“I said Steve and Wanda should be here any minute, so we should pack this stuff up.” He repeats himself. But he doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to the task at hand either, his gaze raking down and then back up your body, loving the way the black cat suit shows off your curves, his eyes lingering on your lips. All of this goes unnoticed to you, as you’re still finding the floor very interesting.

“Hey love birds! Wanna help us move these boxes so Stark can send a jet to get em?” Clint yelled at both of you, startling you and causing you to pull away. “Oh, um right.” you mutter, walking over to help.

The team and you had just finished moving most of the boxes to the loading dock when Steve busted through the door, Wanda close behind him. Steve slammed the door behind them and then they sprinted to where you were staring at them, weapons in hand even though it was your teammates. Ready for something to come barreling through the door they had just entered.

“We gotta leave now.” The captain ordered, sounding every bit the part.

“This was a trap.” Said Wanda. “They have a large scale Perimeter Light Beam. One bigger than I have ever seen. And it is attached to a transmitter that could-”

“I’m sorry, what exactly is a Perimeter Light Beam?” interrupted Bucky.

“Operation Light Beam.” you mutter, “This all makes sense now. They have transmitters exactly like the ones in those boxes, except attached to a large scale receiver and beam system that could potentially blind a city if Hydra wanted. We can’t leave, we have to destroy it before they use it.”

“If it can really do that, then we should leave and come back with reinforcements.” Bucky argues.

“You know we can’t do that Buck! If they move it, we won't be able to find it again. We only found it this time by tracking down a gun's dealer, Hydra is obviously trying to cover their tracks really well, so we may not get the chance again. We have to do something about this now.”

“Y/N is right. We need to take it down.” Clint says, looking at them each in turn. “We have to do it while we still can. Who’s in?”

“Well I have to go to make sure neither of you get yourselves killed.” Natasha states, looking in between Clint and you.

“Thanks, mom.” You sass, receiving an eye-roll from the spy.

“Well I’m not letting you guys go alone, so count me in.” Bucky says begrudgingly.”

“Now I gotta go to make sure you don’t die, jerk.” Steve announced, shooting his best friend a playful glare.

“Punk.” you hear Bucky mutter under his breath.

“Focus guys, we have to move fast before Hydra has time to get that thing running. We need a plan.” you say, slightly exasperated at their childish play at a time like this. “Rogers, I’ll leave the strategy planning to you and Nat, the rest of us should search this room for any other weapons they may have. We're gonna need all the help we can get. Now let’s move.”

------------------------------

You followed the rest of the team into a much larger storeroom. Surveying the area, you see a large metal machine attached to several transmitters, wires everywhere, the machine itself giving off a harsh glow and humming quietly.

No guards in sight, something wasn’t right. There had been security details all over the rest of the building, in the storerooms, by the doors, on the roof. This didn’t make sense- something was terribly wrong here. Looking up, you spot camera’s everywhere, the lights on them blinking green, watching your every move. Damn it Stark! You silently curse him. He was supposed to take out all the camera’s and alarms. Wait- how were these ones still working, when all the others outside the storeroom were off? Something was definitely, terribly wrong. Looking over, you see Bucky staring at the camera’s as well, no doubt having come to the same conclusion you had. At that moment he looked over at you, catching your eye, his expression silently saying, “I told you so.” It was that thought that made furious, the fact that you knew he was right. this was obviously a trap and you had fallen for it, but now there was no going back.

Then behind you, the doors slam shut, and you can hear the bolts locking outside. There goes leaving without a fight.

Trying the comms one last time, you attempt to contact Tony, hoping he can do a quick extraction. Surprisingly, they work. “Hey Tones-” you start. “Don’t talk. Just listen Y/N. I’m on my way, I’ll be there in about- oh 48 seconds, I’m coming to get all of you, be ready.”

Wait how are you gonna get in, the doors are lock-” before you can finish, something red crashes through the ceiling and lands in front of the team.

“Well I guess now we have a skylight.” Clint jokes.

“Now how are all of us supposed to get out?” Steve questions, giving Tony a disapproving glare. Ignoring the look, Tony says “Well Capsicle, I was thinking, since I provided our exit then maybe our Little Witch over there could launch everyone up, up and away!” his hands gesturing towards Wanda before shooting skyward dramatically. Leave it to him to make light of a desperate situation, not that you were complaining, the team could use a bit of liveliness right now.

“That all sounds great, but what are we supposed to do with this- thing?” Wanda asks, glancing at the beam generator, as you had started to think of it.

Before Tony could answer, the machine started shaking, growing louder and giving off more light. “What the hell?” you hear Bucky yell, and him turning and looking at you is the last thing you see before a flash of white surrounds you, and then everything is dark. You know your eyes are open, but everything is pitch black. You hear footsteps, you’re trying to find the source to no avail. Then someone is pushing you, causing you to stumble in the darkness, reaching for anything to steady yourself but finding nothing. Panic overtakes you, overriding all your rigorous training.

“Bucky?!” you cry out, struggling against your captors, desperate to know if he’s there, if he’s safe.

“I’m here Doll, just hang on. Everything will be okay.”

And that’s the last thing you hear before you’re knocked unconscious.

[no-the-other-thaddeus]

Thoughts on Hazbin Hotel

Hi, hello. I doubt many of you follow me for anything other than reblogs, but I felt compelled to share my impressions of the pilot for Hazbin Hotel, now that it’s finally released.

To begin with, I want to make it clear: this is not a project I have followed very actively. I mostly had foreknowledge of it due to following Gooseworx, who worked on the show’s music, at least in so far as composing some of the character themes (Angel Dust’s most notably). Beyond that, I’ve been a casual observer of the tumblr RP scene for the show’s characters for some time, but that’s about it. I do not have extensive knowledge of the show’s development process, or the backgrounds of the people working on it, beyond some potential concerns about the main creator, Vivziepop.

All that is to say, I am not a super-fan who has been with the project from day one. I have not watched any of the many streams it seems were done of clean-up work by Vivzie herself or anything like that, nor have I donated any money to the show’s production. This is coming from someone with a casual interest in the show as a fan of animation, who was struck by some of the motifs and character designs. I am basing my opinion purely on the pilot and what it presents. Not any sort of extended character notes/rough future plans that have been discussed by the creators or distributed to patrons.

With that out of the way, let’s begin.

Some would start with positives and ease into the negatives when doing this sort of thing, but the thing that strikes me most, relatively fresh off watching the pilot, is a negative, and one I feel should be addressed before anything else; the excessive vulgarity of the dialog in places. I am by no means a prude, and I understand that this is supposed to be Hell. That Charlie is supposed to be an underdog. But even with all that considered, the constant slinging around of every swear word in the book, plus a slur or two, is downright distracting at multiple points.

This is probably partly a consequence of trying to condense things down to 30 minutes. They went for a constant pace rather than taking many, if any, moments to let things breathe, or showcase the relationships between characters. This could change if/when the show gets picked up and begins proper, obviously, but in the pilot, it only highlights what I would say are these sorts of shows weaknesses: a reliance on vulgarity and violence as its source of humor. Not to say that that would carry over if a proper 13 episode season got contracted out, but it might highlight the wrong things to potential investors in the show, which could lead to creative conflicts down the line.

I don’t even necessarily have a problem with vulgarity and violence in humor, but there’s a certain vitriolic edge to the tone of the script when anyone but Charlie or Vaggie are involved that I find unpleasant. It spends so little time actually focusing on the fact that Charlie really wants to try and provide people a chance to be better, which I think is a message worth sending. Instead, the pilot mostly spends time on showing how stupid everyone else in Hell thinks the idea is. Without much payoff or reassurance by the time the credits roll. Even Alastor is only investing his time in it for entertainment’s sake, and though that’s obviously meant to be the beginning of an arc for him, it doesn’t help the overall feel of the pilot one bit.

Another problem is that, aside from Alastor, and maybe Husk, I didn’t feel like any of the characters outside Charlie and Vaggie were bad people in a lovable way. Angel Dust has a single moment where he displays any empathy whatsoever, and it’s brief and he doesn’t act on it. It’s good that it’s there, but it really isn’t much after how much his actions fucked the Hotel’s prospects.

I suppose Sir Pentious is an exception, but not much comes of his presence in the pilot. I appreciate the archetype he represents, and would enjoy seeing him end up a resident of the hotel, but besides instigating some of the central conflict, he doesn’t do terribly much for the story in the longer term here.

Katie Killjoy is clearly someone we’re supposed to hate, and hopefully see get comeuppance later, but isolated to the pilot, she’s just a misery to endure the presence of. She exudes cynicism and toxicity to a degree that made me uncomfortable the entire time she was on screen. Some might argue that that’s a sign she’s serving her purpose, but I’m not so sure. Maybe if she got at least taken down a peg at some point, it wouldn’t be so bad, but as it is, she just maybe gets roughed up by Charlie some. We don’t really see the outcome of that scuffle.

But I suppose I’m rambling now. Unfortunately, my thoughts on the positives are much less long-winded and nuanced. The animation is quite expressive and fluid in it’s best moments, and it hardly ever looks outright bad. The VA work is also soild, and although there aren’t many of them, the musical numbers are strong. There’s definitely potential here, but as far as what we have now...I can’t give a terribly concrete seal of approval. I hope the show gets picked up by somebody so that it can get a chance to work out the kinks and become something more.

And more importantly, I hope Vivzie doesn’t end up milkshake ducking herself.

[tricksterreformed-a]

**( repost don’t reblog ) **

Feel free to add to any of your answers!  The purpose is to tell your partners about the way you write!  For the multiple-choice ones, BOLD all that apply and, if you want, italicize if it’s a conditional answer!

– B A S I C S – NAME: Bernadette ARE YOU OVER 18?           Yes / No IS YOUR MUSE?           Yes / No  ARE YOU SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO YOU WRITE WITH ON THIS BLOG?           No (anyone) / Semi / Yes / Highly / Private ARE YOU SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO YOU FOLLOW ON THIS BLOG?           No (anyone) / Semi / Yes / Highly IF YOUR MUSE IS CANON, HOW MUCH TO YOU ADHERE TO CANON?           Not at all / A little / Somewhat / Mostly / Strictly / (OC)           (( this is a canon character in a canon setting but anything not stated outright by canon is up to my interpretation. Nobody ever said Gabriel didn’t have a dumb crush on Eve so... )) WHAT POST LENGTHS DO YOU WRITE?           One-Liners / Single-Para / Multi-Para / Novella             (( I tend to ramble once I start writing, so if I don’t cut myself at one line you’re getting paragraphs. Rarely do I have the time/energy to do novella length replies but if you’re willing to wait... )) DO YOU USE ICONS AND/OR GIFS?           No / Gifs / Icons / Gifcons DO YOU WRITE ON OTHER PLATFORMS?           No / Yes           (( I have been known to write a little on discord. but I prefer to keep anything I’m going to be referencing on this blog... on this blog. )) WHAT LEVEL OF PLOTS DO YOU WRITE?           Unplotted  / Open-Ended Plots / Semi-Plotted / Fully Plotted Epics HOW QUICKLY DO YOU USUALLY RESPOND TO THREADS?           Very Slow / Slow (4-6 Weeks) / Average (1-4 Weeks) / Fast (Less Than One Week) / Very Fast (Less Than One Day)           (( hah )) WHAT TYPES OF THEMES DO YOU LIKE? (feel free to add!)           Fluff / Angst / Smut / Action / Tragedy / Domestic / Family & Found Family / Conversational / Hurt-Comfort / Dark / Violence            (( Ok, listen here’s the thing: I like writing smut for fanfic. I used to like writing smut for rp. Then something took place. I am not comfortable writing smut for rp anymore. )) WHAT GENRES DO YOU LIKE? (feel free to add!)           High Fantasy / Supernatural / Science Fiction / Historical / Horror / Comedy / Romance / Drama / Action / Adventure / Espionage / Everything ARE THERE ANY THEMES YOU’RE UNCOMFORTABLE WRITING ON YOUR BLOG?           No / Yes             (( I think the no smut thing knocks a lot of things I’m uncomfortable with off the table. Which is by design. )) DO YOU HAVE ANY TRIGGERS?  HOW DO YOU REQUEST IT TAGGED?           No / Yes            (( yeah, listen, I don’t want to see dental horror. or like... unreality involving teeth. Or dramatic close-ups of teeth.  i have the usual tags blocked (tw teeth, teeth tw, trigger warning teeth, etc) and i try to check people’s tagging systems. so hopefully I’m good ))

– S H I P P I N G –

WHAT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS ARE YOU OPEN TO?           Romantic / Platonic / Familial / Physical / Sexual            (( that last one is italicized because I’m ok with it if you’re ok with the sexual component being ooc discussion and me sending you lil mini-fics about it )) WHAT TYPES OF PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS ARE YOU OPEN TO?            Romantic / Platonic / Familial / Physical / Sexual DO YOU HAVE OTPS?            No / Chemistry only / Yes             (( i am an outlier, I know. )) DO YOU HAVE NOTPS?           No / Yes / I don’t know yet            (( i mean i don’t ship any of the angels with each other because i read that remationship as familial but that’s more a preference than a full on NOTP )) WHAT IS YOUR MUSE’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION? -           Heterosexual / Heteroflexible / Bisexual / Homoflexible / Homosexual / Pansexual / Demisexual / Sapiosexual / Asexual / Questioning  ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WRITING SMUT?           No / Selectively ( w/ship only ) / Yes           (( nah fam. not anymore )) HOW EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP DO YOU SHIP ROMANTICALLY?           Autoship / During Plotting / After A Couple IC Interactions / Several IC Interactions / Slow Burn / Depends on partner & muse           (( sometimes you just know, y’know?  and I’m always happy to play it unrequited if the other muse doesn’t feel the same )) ARE YOU OPEN TO TOXIC SHIPS?           No / Selectively / Yes  ARE YOU OPEN TO PROBLEMATIC SHIPS? (canon history, age difference, complicated, etc.)           No / Selectively / Yes ARE YOU OPEN TO POLYSHIPPING?           No / Selectively / Yes           (( I’m more an OT3 kind of gal. Where each point in the triangle has its own dynamic and they’re all interesting and involved. Which is polyshipping, but a very specific kind. )) ARE YOU AN EXCLUSIVE SHIPPER?           No / Sometimes / Yes            (( gimmie’ AUs for every ship!! )) DOES CRACK SHIPPING EVER HAPPEN?           No / Sometimes / Yes  DOES CROSSOVER SHIPPING EVER HAPPEN?           No / Yes / Depends             (( in the past this was MY JAM.  And I can see it possibly happening here too. I also ship with people’s OCs ))

tagged by: @twowaywardboys-andanangel​  tagging: @daedaluscried​, @ryanfuckingcarter​, @inferniangod​, @inkednightemares​, @rcliicta​, and @empyreal-muses​

[flannelshirtandjeans]

I don’t really use my main blog for much anything anymore, other than random reblogs, so I’m gonna ramble here quick about something I’ve been doing for the past month and have a lot of feels about which is: YOGA.

(my cat still joins me in this a lot. Also heyyy look at my ghoul arm)

So, a little over a month ago I started something that I kinda periodically start and never finish: a sportsy challenge. This was inspired by me and mom doing one (1) Yoga for Beginners youtube yoga when I was visiting, and when I got home I just kinda... went from there because I actually did like it, and thought it’d be a gentle way to introuce some physical activity into my daily life! Outside of circus I don’t really do much of that! I don’t enjoy a lot of sports, because I’m about like zero percent competitive, and zero percent interested in team sports (usually as a result of point the one), and have negative 50% interest in just going to the gym to do some reps or run on a treadmill, all those things SUCK for me. xD I’m mostly interested in exercise where you can do the things just for fun (like badminton or tennis with family where we don’t even count points), there’s room for improvement and learning increasingly difficult things AT YOUR OWN PACE so you don’t get intimidated from the get-go, there’s plenty of stuff to do at all levels, and doesn’t involve me getting so winded I feel like I’m gonna pass out. And yeah, where you’re not being TESTED FOR ANYTHING. I DON’T ENJOY THAT. So like, a lot of 

So like, yoga is pretty ideal. I can do it at home, Adriene from Yoga with Adriene is a dork and really supportive of doing stuff at your own level and to the best of YOUR particular ability, I am being challenged but not too much, and if I’m not ready for that challenge, I can do something else, and so on! Also important: I can pull back and choose not to do poses that feel like they’re gonna hurt my spine, which is a bit of a problem for me because of how tight my thighs and hips are, but so far so good!

I started THIS challenge, and have since missed maybe like five days because of illness or bad stomach days, but have done every single one (except the last, that’s tomorrow), and honestly miss NOT doing it when I don’t take the time to do a little yoga each day? UNTHINKABLE TO PAST ME. I’ve even done some like extra practices, like bedtime yoga or relaxation yoga, or whatever else!

In the beginning, I was very tight EVERYWHERE because I hadn’t done much during the summer, or tbh in the spring either, the spring was mostly characterized by GASTRITIS lmao. Slowly that’s been improving, and I can definitely see some changes in what I can do now, 29 days of yoga later! I can sit on my heels with my toes tucked under me without dying (immediately), my yogic squat is much much better than it was in the beginning, and my forward folds have really gotten better, even if I still can’t do them well seated or my spine starts dying, I have learned to stay in crow pose for like seven long breaths (when my cat doesn’t bite me or push me over). I think my posture has improved? As much as my just kinda static arm strength and stuff.

This has tricked me into actually wanting to do planks and pushups and stuff on my own so I’ll be stronger. xD

I just. have a lot of feelings about this, like I’ve NEVER stuck this long with any exercise challenge, and after the 30 days is done, I’m not gonna stop there, I’m gonna keep going, get a good yoga mat and maybe a yoga block (which, at first I was like PSH blocks, what’s the point, but after using a book as one, they’re actually really helpful in deepening a stretch), and just. go on a journey that’s just. learning about my body, taking care of it, and being forgiving about its flaws and tight spots and silliness, and just embrace learning things at my own pace. It’s felt really good, and I’m very thankful for this experience.

It’s also been good for the gastritis stuff btw! I still get bad burpy days occasionally but I’ve very rarely had to stop what I’m doing in the middle of yoga because it feels bad - if anything, I’ve often felt like doing yoga has pushed the symptoms aside for a while, so that’s been really nice!

This has been my ramble about yoga. I still feel a little weird about talking about it because I don’t see myself as the kinda stereotypical yoga person, but it’s. been really nice.

Least favorite poses so far: half moon (mostly because I JUST CAN’T DO IT xD), warrior 3, happy baby (because it has big potential to Fuck my Spine), sitting forward folds Favorite poses: downward dog (surprisingly), triangle, extended child’s pose, reclining cobbler’s pose, supported side plank, MANY MANY MANY

ETA: also! I forgot, but like. this has been also good for sort of. reclaiming my body after having no control over it for months and months because of the gastritis, with the unwilling weight loss etc. I’m in control of what I’m doing with my body here, and that Helps with my complicated body image rn. xD

[danvssomethingorother]

My Top Picks for VB fics

I didn’t want to put the fics in any order, they are all good and just as a warning, I mainly read Brusty fics but these are my personal favorites from the VB fandom. most VB fics are good though and I still have some not Brusty ones on my to read list later, so I will likely update again lol. Please feel free to reblog this and add more fics!

Hubris Makes the Heart Grow Strong -  

Ship: Brusty eventually

Status: Ongoing. 

Author: @the-monarch-is-a-venture here

Summary: An AU in which Rusty takes Brock's DNA while they're in college and ends up mixing it with his own later to create Hank and Dean.This will be Brock x Rusty further in to the story, but it's definitely gonna be a slow build, multi-chapter type thing.

My notes: I think this was one of the first VB fics I read way back in July after I finally got around to finishing up the series after years of never being able to keep up with it properly even though I have always liked the show and man this really helped me stick around and keep an eye on the fandom even when it was dead.

I just really like the premise of this fic, its a really creative and interesting origin story of where the twins came from and its just really soft. Its like a perfect fic to read when like you have had a long day and just need to relax with a cute fic. 

---

What’s Past Is A Prologue

Ships: Brusty

Status: Complete

Author: mirawonderfulstar

Summary: “How is the doc, anyway? Have you heard from him recently?”“Alas, no.” Orpheus said solemnly. “The last I saw of him was shortly after you and the boys left the compound. I went by to see if perhaps he needed some cheering up, poor fellow, all alone in that huge empty place, and he threw me out.” Orpheus’s tone grew colder. “I daresay that Killinger fellow brainwashed him, yes? Turned him away from the things and people he loved. I cannot think of any other reason he’d allow you and the children to be parted from him, he always seemed so devoted to you all.”Brock felt something cold slide down into his stomach, and he took a quick spoonful of his soup which did nothing to counter the effect. “You think?” He grunted after a moment.An AU following the divergence that Rusty took Killinger's offer at the end of The Doctor Is Sin.

My Notes: Rusty becomes a villain AUs are my jam. The Doctor Is Sin is definitely one of my favorite episodes!

I love how it keeps it a mystery what Rusty is up by keeping everything in Brock’s perspective and showing his slow transformation into a real villain and I don’t want to give it away but Rusty’s plan is freaking genius. Like that is super in character and its a really heart breaking ending. Just go read it, you won’t regret it.

---

How you Feeling?

Ships: Brusty

Status: Complete

Author: NewAgeVintage 

Summary: Taking place in a vague place in season 6/7.Rusty loses his secret stash of ‘emergency’ pills when he loses the compound. Thankfully money can buy dubiously prescribed medication. After a frustrating night in the lab he breaks into his stash and Brock needs to step in. 

My Notes: I have been trying to just like keep it to like one story per author I like and since most of the fandom is like the same few people making tons of really good work, it sometimes got tricky. 

Like I have really loved every single story this author has made but I settled on this one eventually because I just really love the idea that Brock is just used to Rusty’s bad habits and just knows how to handle the situation easily. Like he just knows him too well and I am just rambling without giving away the entire story but I just like the dynamic between Rusty and Brock and how its presented. Also read their other VB fics cause I love them lots too.  

---

Red and Blue

Ship: None, gen.

Status: Complete

Author: @paigek9

Summary: From a young age, Rusty knew that Malcom was treated differently.When they were four, their dad started color-coding all of their toys, mostly to keep Uncle Rodney from losing his mind because of the daily screaming matches and fights between the brothers. All of Rusty’s toys were red; his favorite color. Malcom’s were blue, even though he liked yellow. Red was a dominant color, according to his father. The mark of a strong leader (Definitely not because fans had the habit of sending Rusty red gifts to match his hair). Blue marked the color of his company, or at least that’s what he would say around Malcom. To Rusty, it meant Player 2, Option B, a backup plan. Malcom was born to play second fiddle to Rusty, and that’s how it was supposed to be…According to Jonas.

My Notes: Yes, I know she just wrote this for me for my silly AU but I just really love this fic ok? My friend is so talented and I love her. Look what she made.

---

Private Growth in the Face of... Stuff

Ship: Brusty

Status: Complete

Author: @deliriumbubbles

Summary: After the party at Hatred’s and debriefing the boys, Brock and Rusty fight over what went down at the party. Or at least, what Rusty knows about. They send the boys to bed, and Brock sets to work relieving some tension. 

My Notes: When I make lists like this I usually try to not give like smut recs but like this is just a really freaking good smut fic. Its not just smut, its a complex feels piece that just happens to have smut. Its just a really good fic guys, just read it.

--- 

Into Safety? (Wear Some Kneepads)

Ship: Brusty

Status: Complete

Author: newyorktopaloalto

Summary:  Brock coming back— free of pay and of his own volition— meant nothing more than he still loved the boys he had helped Rusty raise for almost twenty years. This was not a romcom (no matter the clichéd archetypes that set the stage for his life) and if it were, it would not be one starring him— it would be starring Meg Ryan because he had already thought about it for way longer than he would admit out loud. So he was living here, taking care of the boys, giving Rusty a long-suffering and amusingly indulgent look, existing (drinking coffee, making dinner, cracking terrible jokes and skulls) as though he had never left...And so, yeah, whatever, Brock coming back might have something (infinitesimal, really, but bordering on nigh) to do with him. It still didn't make his life a romcom.

My Notes: Did you really expect me not to rec the one and only successful Rusty fic on A03? Cause I have so many feels for this fic. It just takes the basic concept of a successful Rusty and it builds its own little world off it all the while very much keeping it in the Venture Bros universe. Its so good, it makes me cry. Please read it. 

---

Where are My Pills, Where is My Former Lover?

Ship: Brusty

Status: Ongoing

Author: hell0lust

Summary: He’d promised Brock, all those years ago, that he was through with the pills, for good. Who cares what Brock thinks? He’s not your... whatever he was, anymore. Brock doesn’t get to decide what you do or don’t do.Rusty Venture has never known a life outside of failure. With the sudden weight of keeping his late brother's company afloat on his shoulders, Rusty finds himself falling into old habits of prescription drug abuse, as a means to cope.

My Notes: Out of the genre of ‘Rusty picks up his old addictions again in New York’ fics (that are really all good) this one is my favorite. It sadly hasn’t been updated in awhile but I hold hope the author will come back eventually. I just love how everything is played off in this fic, the slow build to Rusty and Brock getting back together and Rusty’s addictions and his jealousy of Warriana, its all just good. Go read it, you won’t regret it.

---

let me in the wall you've built around

Ship: Brusty

Status: Complete 

Author: @ladyofdecember

Summary: Rusty has a hard time coming to grips with events after "The Unicorn In Captivity". His family is worried. Brock and Rusty struggle with communication. 

My Notes: This was another case of damn, which fic of the authors should I choose for this? There are a ton of amazing stories she has written! I think I finally settled on this one because it gave a really beautiful conclusion to one of the darker episodes from this season and it brings me joy. The angst building up to a warm fluffy ending is really beautiful.

---

Surrogate Fatherhood

Ship: None, Gen.

Status: Complete

Author: @tsv

Summary: "He tries to ignore the shortcomings in Doc's parenting, at first. In the beginning, he'd taken it as the understandable failings of a first-time father — an emotionally callous comment here, a forgotten promise there. But soon enough, they begin to pile up, piecing together like a quilt of subtle emotional neglect.And it's not his job. At all. It's not even remotely his job. Still, when Dean comes out of his room crying about a nightmare and Doc tells him he's busy without even looking up, it itches at him. Despite the distance he'd tried to maintain, Brock genuinely feels bad."A piece reflecting on Brock and his relationship with the boys over the years.

My Notes: It was really hard for me to choose one from this author. I think I am in love with all of their work. Every piece is a freaking masterpiece and well done and everything I wanted from this fandom. But I chose this one cause fluffy Brock and the boys stuff is pretty rare and this one always, always manages to hit me in the feels.

----

That’s it for now, my favorite fics. If you want to add more, please do! Like everyone in this fandom is super talented!

[bigskydreaming]

So random stuff about me and my acting career, apropos of nothing but being bored and having a spare moment. Putting it under a cut, not because it’s super personal or I have a problem with reblogs or anything in this instance, it’s just long and rambly and only of interest if you’re like....actually interested. Idk.

So I was just talking about memory, and I’m weird because in most instances, I actually have a really freaky good memory. It’s not photographic, but it’s still damn good. I can memorize a script fast enough that it gives most of my other actor friends envy, I could draw a floorplan of like, every house I lived in as a kid, but the thing is it’s not automatic. I have to like....make a mental note to lock something in as worth hanging on to. Its not like I look at a page and I have it memorized, but I look at a page and make a mental note like I’m taking a snapshot of it, and then its locked in. 

But bottom line....I have a really really good memory for anything I care about to some degree, for whatever reason I care about it, whether it’s an important life event or a scene by scene breakdown of a fave fanfic I read twenty years ago in high school. Flip side tho....I have an absolutely TERRIBLE memory for anything that doesn’t particularly matter to me and I was never paying that much attention to begin with.

Now, you would think this would work out in my favor overall, as an actor, right? Like I said, I can memorize scripts really quickly and hold onto them for as long as I need to, I never forget a face if it’s someone I like or have a good interaction with, stuff like that.

Buuuuuut....problem is.....I’m also a jaded cynical asshole who super doesn’t give a shit about a lot of key things that most everyone else in the entertainment industry assumes everyone cares about as much as them. Like....say, how famous a person is, or how popular a show or movie is.

I could tell you every little detail I learned in conversation with a super obscure actor I worked with once eight years ago that’s only recently achieved a level of fame or celebrity if that actor was someone I enjoyed working with as a person. But if say, for instance, purely speaking hypothetically, if an actor were someone that I decided I didn’t give a shit about five seconds into our interaction because he came across as Generic Hollywood Douchebag #27? And if that actor was mostly in shows that aren’t to my personal tastes and so aren’t really on my radar, it doesn’t matter how big or famous that actor is, or even if I’ve literally met them three different times on three different projects and been personally introduced to them because I had actual lines with them.....hypothetically I would probably reintroduce myself to them each time as though it were the first time we’d ever met, even though I’m the nameless nobody and they’re the big star, because I simply did not give enough of a shit about them to lock in our previous interactions.

Now, I’m not saying that this scenario has happened, I’m just saying that it hasn’t....not happened. 

And I’ve definitely never been in the super awkward position of only realizing halfway into a three week shoot with a director that the kinda weird random comments the director keeps making to me have to do with the fact that he actually directed me in a commercial years earlier and has been assuming this whole time that I definitely remembered working with him before, whoops.

But yeah, point is, I have a lot of cool or interesting or funny stories from working in Hollywood for like...ten years now, I think? Idk. But they’re all from like...good days on set on projects I enjoyed working with people I liked. I’ve had just as many projects where I literally just showed up for the paycheck, worked with people I didn’t err...particularly care for, and basically just....forgot everything about the job and the experience the minute I walked off set because who needs that shit, you know? Like I mean, yes, I’m petty and spiteful and joke about this all the time, but in reality, I don’t ACTUALLY get super annoyed over every single negative interaction I ever have, I just exaggerate this aspect of me for shits and giggles on tumblr because I’m unneccessarily melodramatic. When it comes to my day to day job, aka working on set on various projects, its just not worth the mental energy to get worked up over a lot of the shit I deal with on a daily basis because like, Ego is EVERYWHERE in Hollywood, and even I do not have the time or energy to be annoyed every time I have to work with a patronizing asshole. So mostly, I just tend to...forget about them. Unless they REALLY get under my skin.

Anyway, this leads to a very weird dichotomy when it comes to talking about my actual career and experiences as an actor. I can totally be guilty of name-dropping and being all oh I know so and so or I worked on this or that, but its not really because I think its super impressive because they’re so famous or whatever. The novelty of working with famous people wears off pretty quick, and like...no matter how big the person you’re working with today is, its not like there isn’t always someone bigger, you know? So when I name drop, it tends to be because I just really like someone as a person or just had a really good time working with them or working on a particular shoot. But then again, flip side.....try and talk to me about a job I didn’t care about, I mean, not a job I HATED but a job I just....wasn’t invested in, just was there for the paycheck, and like....you’ll get a blank stare 99% of the time. 

So, I technically remain pseudo anonymous for the time being on tumblr, not wanting to publicly link this URL to my like....work stuff, that’s because most of you have seen me get enough anon crap from people worked up about fandom drama, that its not worth it to me to risk giving them potential ammunition like that. Considering I.....umm, absolutely have talked a LOT of shit about a couple of movies and shows and actors and directors that I have worked on or with personally because I have no filter lmao. 

(And yes, Kalen is my real name and ppl have found my twitter and writing stuff because of it BUT I use a different name for my SAG name so like, that’s not what I’m on IMDB and stuff as). But because I have no filter and am one of the least subtle people in existence, I actually do end up saying a lot of stuff I probably shouldn’t if I REALLY wanted to remain totally anonymous, because a few people have absolutely figured out stuff I’ve been in and even tracked me down based on stuff I’ve mentioned over the years, lol whoops. And its not really that big a deal because I do have enough common sense....well no, okay let’s put it this way, I do have a firm enough system of prioritizing things for myself that anything I do say out loud, online or in public, is something that I would and have stood by even if it ends up getting me in trouble. Like, its not end of the world type secrecy, its more just....eh, I don’t really want to deal with unnecessary career drama if I don’t have to, so I try to be vague about stuff when I remember to, but I’m not like....obsessively invested in it. If that makes sense?

But the funny thing is, even with friends who do know my real name and I talk to about actual jobs I’ve had, like....half the time I can’t even tell them where to find me, because I genuinely don’t even remember a ton of the stuff I’ve actually been in. I could literally still recite my lines from a role, because that’s important info I needed to get paid for the job and thus I retain it....but in instances where it was just one or two fairly generic scenes without a context clue or me using names to signify who I might be talking to or what show or movie it might be from....I literally do not remember what the actual role itself was, lmao.

Like, I’m not even exaggerating for effect even slightly, this is how weird my brain is. I get residual checks for work I’ve done where I have to like....go hunt down my voucher or contract that matches the dates on the check to figure out what project it was from and try and remember it. Or go through my phone or facebook based off the dates to try and see if I talked to anyone about it that can jog my memory. Because what’s worse is a lot of stuff in Hollywood that isn’t like, a long running TV show, will use a pre-production name or even just go by ‘Untitled (Director’s Name) Project’, so I get a check with the official name of the project on it, and my dumb ass never paid attention to it after I was done working on it so never actually connected the dots.

LOL, I’ve had people I know come to me and be like, hey, were you on this episode of Criminal Minds in Season (I don’t even remember, I forgot AGAIN, jesus)....and I’m like....uh, I don’t think so? Because I hate Criminal Minds but I actually do watch it on Netflix, but in the background of stuff when I’m working on writing or graphic design stuff from home, and so I’m like, uh, I think I would remember if I’d ever worked on Criminal Minds or at least noticed....and then they’re all, no, I swear, that’s you, and they told me the episode number and I looked it up on Netflix and fast forwarded to the time stamp they gave me and I was like....ohhhhhhh, right, yeah that is me. Wait, I remember that shoot, that was Criminal Minds???? Huh. I had no idea.

I’m not even kidding. This is a real, actual conversation I’ve had with a college friend on facebook.

But yeah, it literally happens all the time to me. People will ask me “so what would I have seen you in” and half the time I legit have to tell them “apparently, the stuff you’re most likely to have seen me in, I completely have no idea where to find it.” Because most of the jobs I’ve had that I really enjoyed and remember fondly were for like, indie movies, or pilots that never got picked up, or this was this car commercial I did that only ever aired in European markets, and shit like that. And IMDB isn’t really much of a help because most actors kinda have to manage their own IMDB pages....to get officially credited via SAG, through IMDB Pro and stuff, either you or your agent or manager have to go through the production itself to get confirmation, and it’s a whole hassle and like.....you all know I’m notoriously ADHD right? LOL. 

And I’ve never really had a consistent agent or manager for longer than a couple months, because the level that I’m at career wise, I’ve honestly always done better getting my own work than getting it through agents sending me on auditions. I’ve done two big budget pilots for primetime networks and both of them I got cast because the casting director called me in directly because she remembered me from these three episodes I did on a soap opera eight years ago, random stuff like that and personal networking, that’s how I’ve landed most of my jobs. But that means I’m the only one responsible for maintaining my IMDB page, which given the hoops you have to jump through to get properly credited in a lot of cases, means mine is missing like...a lot. (Also I haaaaate watching myself act on camera, because I’m a perfectionist and super self-critical, so I never seek out my own stuff to watch anyway, I show up, I do the job, I’m done with it, on to the next).

But another example, there’s a pretty popular show that ran on ABC for multiple seasons and is one of the more prominent places where people have seen me and recognized me in something, because like, it’s a one scene role but it’s definitely and clearly me. And so I went to IMDB to check if I was credited for it, because sometimes production does it itself and I don’t always have to do it personally, only....the role is credited....but to some random guy who most definitely is not me. I have no idea who this guy is, I don’t even remember seeing him on that shoot and yes it’s one i actually remember well lol, but from his page it looks like he’s basically a career extra who gets production to credit him when he has significant face time or a nonverbal and nameless but still relevant role - they do that sometimes, so its worth a shot I guess - but anyway, he somehow managed to get credited with my role either by accident or design and I’ve literally been trying for years to get that changed, but since production wrapped years ago it’s a pain hunting the right people down and every time I try and go hey I should finally take care of this, I end up just getting annoyed and go fuck it and give up lmao.

So random funny story to wrap this up........like....six or seven years ago I went down to San Diego to visit my little sister, she’s four years younger than me and so had just graduated college I think. And so I was there for a few days and at one point she wanted to go see this new summer movie that had just come out with Hayden Panettiere in it, that girl from Heroes, though its some other show that my sister was a fan of hers from. I did some stunt work on Heroes once though so that’s what I tend to remember her from, even though I’ve actually worked on a few different things she’s been on.

So anyway, my sister and I are sitting in the middle of the theater watching this movie I’ve never heard of or seen any previews for.....it was one of those generic summer high school/college rom-coms that randomly get sprinkled in amidst summer blockbusters some years. And I’m bored and barely paying attention because I looked up the synopsis before we left and it didn’t grab me and I wasn’t big on any of the cast, so I’m mostly just there to humor my sister because she’s that sibling that every family has where all other siblings fear them. And I’m not like, snoozing or anything, but nothing about the movie is holding my interest so its one of those just kinda...glazed eyes, killing time kinda experiences, and also, parts of it feel very familiar and I’m like....have I seen this before or is it just really really formulaic?

And then my sister full on hits me in the shoulder and hisses “You didn’t tell me you were IN this!” And I’m like, okay first, OW, second....I’m not, I think I would know? And she’s looking at me like I’m the biggest idiot in the world and then gestures super obnoxiously and dramatically (it runs in the family) at the screen and people are starting to look at us, so I’m like I’m looking, jeez, chill....and then its like...huh. Cuz sure enough, there I am. Right in the middle of this big house party scene. That’s definitely me, and suddenly I’m like.....thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s why I feel like I’ve seen this movie before, I’m remembering the sceeeeeenes I was on set for. Ugh, no wonder I forgot about it, now I’m remembering we shot this one scene right here like 22 times, we spent three fucking days on it, it was annoying as hell.

And my sister’s still looking at me accusingly, like I’ve committed some mortal sin by not alerting her in advance to my presence, or more likely, not having called her to give her every single detail of my experience on a movie she was interested in, and I’m like....what do you want me to say? I didn’t know I was in this! 

How do you NOT know you’re in a movie, she wants to know, and we’re whisper fighting in the middle of the theater but luckily nobody seems too mad, the ppl around us look kinda amused actually because they’ve recognized the me next to them as the me on the screen and have overhead enough to get the gist (my sister is a very loud whisperer), and anyway I’m like, I knew I was in A movie, I just didn’t know it was THIS movie, it was one of those Untitled projects I’m pretty sure. I never knew what they ended up calling it!

And she’s like, and you never tried to find out what it was ultimately called or when it would come out at least? Which....no, why would I? It’s a terrible movie, I have zero interest in it.

Finally she’s like ugh, whatever, I still don’t get how you didn’t at least think ‘hey, I was in something with Hayden Panettiere recently, maybe its this’ when I was talking about her being in it. You had to at least know she was in it, you’re standing like....five feet away from her!

And I think I just shrugged at that point, because it was like, yeah, I knew it was her, but I’ve been that close to her a bunch of times, so what? She’s okay I guess but she’s not that great, I didn’t pay that much attention lol. Besides this was actually like a year ago I’m pretty sure, I’ve actually worked on the same set as her like twice since then I think, so.....idk. I probably just thought this was Heroes again? Whatever, it all blurs together and the director was super obnoxious, I remember now. I spent the whole shoot trying to astral project away from there.

I think that was the point where she just gave up on me and idk, knowing her she probably did a super dramatic hair toss and then tried to ignore me for the rest of the movie. Most likely while internally ranting about what a waste it is having an actor brother who doesn’t even care enough to let you know when he’s on set with her like....multiple times. To which I probably would’ve replied I can’t possibly be expected to keep up with her current faves, she changes celeb idols like, as often as she changes her hair color, which is a LOT. Ahem. Anyway. At one point my scene came on where I had actual lines, and I started mouthing them along with the me on screen, which I do admit in hindsight, was probably a Dick Older Brother move on my part, but whatever, she was being totally unreasonable about the whole thing, but then she gave me a Devil Glare and was like “I thought you didn’t remember being in this movie,” and I gave into the compulsion to just go full on Dick Older Brother and was like “I said I didn’t remember the MOVIE, of course I remember my LINES, I’m a professional, Ashley, god”.

Yeah. She was irritated about that for awhile. Oh well. Siblings. What can you do, y’know?

But moral of the story - you’d think, after all that, I’d at least always remember that movie after that happened.

I do not.

I think I’ve told this story to a bunch of people over the years, and every single time they ask me, so what was the movie, I wanna check it out. And to this day, I STILL can not for the life of me remember the fucking title of that movie or even like, what my character’s name was, and I just...never care enough to go try and hunt it down and figure it out.

What’s really bad, is I know for a FACT that multiple people I’ve told this story to have then gone on to hunt it down from Panettiere’s IMDB page on their own, and came back to me like ‘was it this one’ and I’m always like YES! THAT’S IT!

.....two minutes later, I have completely fucking forgotten the name of the movie again.

I SWEAR TO GOD I’M NOT EVEN JOKING. This is just....my brain.

[calenheniel]

The Lost Prince, a frozen fanfic | I.

Frozen | Hans, Elsa | Fantasy, Drama | G+

Legend tells of the lost kingdom of Arendelle, and history records the many, many adventurers lost in search of it.

Follow updates: #TLPFrozen

Author’s Note: Based on an anon prompt, “every word’s only to please.” An AU somewhere between Frozen and The Snow Queen, and it’s supposed to read more or less as a fable. Started as a drabble and then turned into this; I recommend reading the original fairy tale for a refresher, before getting into this one. Big thanks to @yumi-michiyo​ for beta-reading, @jii-ro​ for initial thoughts and friends IRL for reading, too.

I should also note that I am trying something different with this fic: I will be publishing it in serial form on Tumblr (Dickens-style), and then finally as one complete one-shot on FF.Net, AO3, etc. This should give the piece the proper room to grow and breathe and evolve, so your feedback will be critical in developing it further. Please do reply, reblog, and send me asks or PMs with any questions or suggestions! 

Prologue

Legend tells of a once-great kingdom in the North, upon which befell a most terrible fate.

Legend tells of a mysterious and powerful Snow Queen, who covered all the lands in ice with a single breath.

Legend tells of a heart, brave and true, that has the power to break the curse of eternal winter.

Legend tells of many things, but only to those who would believe them.

I.

Hans didn't look back once on the day he left for Arendelle.

It was his twenty-third birthday, though few knew or cared to remember the occasion. Red-haired and olive-eyed, he was the youngest of thirteen boys born to the Westergards, a noble family with roots dating back to the beginning of the first settlements in the Southern Isles. As one son among many, he had often been overlooked, ignored, and sometimes forgotten altogether.

Where his brothers thrived on competing and fighting with one another for their late father's praise, Hans recoiled from it. Where his brothers embarked on military and trade careers of great renown, Hans hesitated. Where his brothers found suitable wives (and then lovers) to bear children that would carry on the Westergard name, Hans waited, and was alone.

And so he found himself at the port town of Flakstad on a crisp and bright morning, carrying only a large knapsack with him. He was dressed plainly, wearing a dark brown jacket over clothes thick enough to withstand a journey by sea. The only things he saved from his previous life were his fine white kid-skin gloves and his sword, both of which he wore on that day. They had been his mother's last presents to him before her passing the year before, and they were the only items about which he felt even remotely sentimental.

From his perch by the dock, he looked over the trade ship upon which he had booked passage. It was not elegant or grand, like the ones his brothers commanded in the Navy, nor was it sleek and new, as he could tell from the numerous places where holes had been repaired in the hull and beak. Nevertheless, there was something exciting about it to him. Perhaps, for example, it had survived many rough storms at sea, or been attacked by pirates and looted. He imagined all of these scenarios with a small grin, and they took his mind off home.

He had some time before the ship was set to leave port, and checked over the contents of his sack. He realized that his compass was missing and frowned, asking a nearby stranger where he could purchase another in spite of the early hour. The man pointed to a shop on the other side of the road, and when Hans saw it, his frown deepened.

It was a dark and dingy old wooden house, with black markings on its sides after years of collecting soot and grime from the chimney. How anyone could call it a "shop," he thought, was questionable. Nonetheless, he knocked on the door. "Hello?" he called, though no one answered. He walked to the windows, and saw that no lights were lit inside. He sighed, assuming defeat, and began to walk away.

It was then that the entrance creaked open, and a crone as old and dilapidated as the house itself appeared in the doorway. "Did you knock, young man?" she asked, offering a mostly toothless smile to him. Her right hand, resting on a cane, shook with the effort of holding herself up.

Hans considered lying to her, but upon remembering his need, he pushed away his reticence. "Yes," he replied, and instinctively plastered on his largest, politest smile. He observed her frayed and unkempt gray hair, as well as the liver spots dotting her skin, and swallowed his distaste. "I'm sorry to come so early, ma'am, but I was told I might be able to purchase a compass from you?"

The crone's dark brown eyes, cloudy with the beginnings of glaucoma, regarded him with curiosity. She paused, and then nodded, at which he felt relieved. "Yes, yes, I have just the thing," she said, and motioned for him to follow her into the house. She placed her cane against the wall, and her hands shook as she drew out a box of matches from a drawer in a side table by the door, then opened the cover of a lantern atop the table.

Hans grew impatient with her struggle. "Here, let me help you," he offered in a gentle voice, and she made a small noise of thanks as he struck the match and lit the candle inside, lifting the lantern so that she could see. His smile felt painted on. "That's better."

"How kind you are," the crone complimented, and took her cane again as she led him further and further into the dank and dark clutter of the shop, kicking things out of their path every so often. He saw only glimpses of what was inside - torn maps on the walls, books with pages falling out of their spines, a mounted reindeer head, a staff and orb - but it was far too dim to make out anything clearly. He struggled to keep from holding his nose at the stench inside, which reminded him of rotting fish.

"It's just back here—ah, yes," she said, "right there, in my desk." The smell got worse the closer they got to the back of the shop, until Hans could not help but cough when the crone finally bumped into the edge of her desk. She laughed a little to herself, mumbling about her clumsiness in old age, and he continued to hold the lantern for her as she put her cane down again, and rifled through the various drawers.

He squinted down discreetly at his pocket watch, surprised when he read the time, and without realizing it, his foot began to tap against the ground.

"In a hurry, are we?" she asked, chuckling as he stopped his foot and blushed in embarrassment. "That's all right, that's all right," she reassured him, "you are young, after all. I was impatient, too, at your age."

She continued to mumble on about youth and folly and other things, and though Hans kept smiling at her, he had long since tuned out of the conversation. It was only when she paused in her rambling and shuffling around in the drawers that his attention was drawn to her again. "Have you found something?" he asked.

"Yes, and it's what you're looking for, I believe." She held up a compass to the lantern light, and he grimaced when he saw its barely-legible face. She rubbed a wrinkled palm across it, moving the dirt to the side. "Ah, there it is!" she exclaimed, pointing to its arrow. She moved the compass from side to side, watching as it pointed due north, and then nodded as she handed it to him. "Still works as well as the day I found it."

He looked at the item with skepticism, though he had to admit that it did, indeed, work. "How much… do you want for it, ma'am?" he asked at length, making her laugh.

"That depends on what you intend to use it for," she answered with a spry twinkle in her dark eyes. She glanced at the white gloves that covered his hands. "Are you off with the Navy lads? Or on your own adventure of some kind?"

Hans thought of his brothers and father, and went stiff. "On my own."

"To find your own place," the crone said, and nodded. "Oh, yes. I understand."

Hans's eyes widened, and he gripped the compass so hard that if it were any flimsier, it might have broken. The crone had voiced aloud something he had only ever said in his private thoughts—but it was impossible, he thought, for her to have known that. He reassured himself with the idea that it was mere coincidence, though his grip on the compass did not loosen.

She smiled her dreadful, toothless smile at him again. "But where are you going, dearie? That ship you intend to board is going north, isn't it?"

His lips pressed into a firm line. "Indeed it is, ma'am," he replied. "To the Northern Countries." Without knowing why, he added: "Though I'll be disembarking at Farsund."

Her brow lifted as her hands, which had been shaking until then, became still. "Farsund? How odd. Small town, poor people," she commented, looking thoughtful. "Why there? You won't find what you're looking for in such a place."

He was irritated by her presumptuousness. "Well, I'm not staying there," he told her, keeping his voice even. "But it's the closest I can get to—"

He stopped, realizing he had said too much, but it was too late. "Arendelle," she finished, and sighed. She shook her head. "You intend to go and find the lost kingdom." There was warning in her gaze as she continued: "It is a fool's errand, my boy."

Hans rose to the challenge. "It is what I intend to do," he affirmed, "fool's errand or not."

"The Snow Queen of the North Mountain rules those lands," she said, "beautiful and fierce, but with a heart of ice." The crone became more animated as she told the familiar story. "If not for her, Arendelle would still be there, and the young princesses ruling in peace—though, of course," she added with a gleam in her eye, "there are some who say that it was the elder princess herself who brought the Snow Queen to her kingdom."

His ears perked up at this detail. It was one he had not heard before, and in spite of his inclination towards disbelief, he was curious. "Brought her to Arendelle? But how?"

The crone shrugged. "No one knows," she replied, "but it is said that when she was born, the princess was cursed by trolls with a strange sickness, and so was kept hidden away for many years in the castle. Then, when the young princesses' parents died suddenly at sea, she was to be crowned Queen. But on the evening before her coronation," she went on, her eyes wide, "terrified that her curse would be discovered, she sought out the Snow Queen, whose powerful magic she thought could heal her." She sighed, and rested against the desk. "But the Snow Queen only brought destruction, and the two young princesses were never seen again."

She looked wistfully into the distance. "Now, only one with a heart that is brave and true can—"

"'Break the curse of eternal winter,' yes, I know," he cut her off, making her frown. The crone's ridiculous talk of trolls and curses and mysterious illnesses made him remember his purpose there. "I've heard the legends, and I'm not afraid. There must be a logical explanation for Arendelle's disappearance, and I intend to discover it."

"At what cost?" the crone asked. "Your life? You have many years in you yet, young man. Don't let the Snow Queen take them from you."

He shrugged. "She will do no such thing, because she doesn't exist, and I'll prove it." He placed the lantern down on the desk, and held the compass out to her. "Now, how much did you want for this?"

She pushed away his outstretched hand, pressing the compass to his heart. "Nothing, boy," she replied. "You'll be needing it more than I ever did, if Arendelle is what you seek." Her hand dropped from his, and grasped the handle of the lantern. "Now go, before your ship sets sail without you."

Hans nodded and mumbled thanks to her as he walked briskly out of the shop, wincing as vibrant daylight greeted his green eyes. He looked down to check his watch once more and picked up the pace, running to the docks. The ship was already boarding, and its passengers - mostly tradesmen and deckhands - were making their way up the gangplank. He followed suit, and then paused when onboard, examining the ship again.

Where the rough edges and stained masts had charmed him before, he now saw them with a sense of foreboding. He scrutinized every patched-up tear, every creaky floorboard, and every unfriendly look from the other men at his clothes or sword with a wary eye. Finally, he turned his gaze to the compass the crone had given him - still pointing due north - but noticed it had stained his fine white gloves, and frowned.

He thought of her cautionary tale, and looked back at the shop—but whatever light had shone from the lantern had been extinguished, and it was just as dark as when he had first arrived.