#its like to experience something new everytime i see father’s fic

[gomzdrawfr]

Fic got me like

[kinomiakai]

Your fics were one of the things that kept me going after my father's death just last month. I never expected I'd read your fics as a way to cope with grief. And I wanted to say that I relate to naruto in 'something good'. I don't know how to mourn. Everyone tells me what to do and not do and I can't take it anymore. I feel guilty when I have fun, laugh, smile or eat meals that I know my dad would have liked. I feel like throwing up everytime i pass by the hospital he died in. His voice comes up in my head and I feel like cracking my skull open and pulling it out just so I can hear him for real. I never expected I'd become and orphan at 18 and I wish I could tell him I love you just once more because God knows i never said it too often. I just want to say to whoever is reading this to appreciate the people your life because I didn't and now I regret it so much.

I'm sorry to drop this on you kinomi. I know you're not a therapist and you're here to have fun but I just need to talk to someone because I feel like going crazy

Oh friend. I am so sorry. I completely understand and I appreciate that you didn’t want to just go and drop this - but I get it, and you’re not alone at all in this. I wrote something good for a reason, and to be honest, I really started it because I was in the middle of all of my grief and realized I had no clue how to mourn either. Like I did not know what I was doing at all. And everybody talks about unhealthy coping mechanisms but what the hell would healthily coping with grief look like?? So I wrote something good. To see what it could look like. While still being messy and real and full of backslides and all of that. All that to say the emotions of the fic are very much from experience, and I’m so sorry you can relate to that grief. And this is so new to you, friend, please be kind to yourself. A month, that’s barely any time at all for something like this. Let yourself have bad days and let yourself have good ones. It’s okay to laugh, I promise, it doesn’t negate your grief or your love in any way. They can absolutely coexist and you deserve moments of good to help you live with this, you really do. I promise there will come a time when the fog in your head will start to clear, and your grief will start to settle as part of you, instead of all of you. I know everyone experiences it differently, but I’ve lived it, and you’re not alone. You’re not even alone in something good - I've had a lot of other people contact me with their own stories. Some of them are even in the ao3 comments. I wish I could give you the biggest hug but I hope my fics do that for you instead - I’m so glad I can help you cope, at least the tiniest bit. This reply is probably messy and hopefully not too preachy or anything, I know everyone copes differently. I am crying a little so I apologize for its imperfections - but I feel for you, I am so incredibly sorry, and I hope you’re kind to yourself. You deserve it. All my love to you, friend <3

[caslikescoffeeandfreckles]

The Heart Will Lead You Home

A very late spn finale fix-it fic based on an addition to this Tumblr post! Word Count: 1.9k Read on Ao3

There was no stopping the way Dean’s heartbeat stuttered when he saw Ohio on the map, the wound still too fresh. Every press of his foot to the gas pedal felt like stepping on his own neck as they cruised along the highway, cornfields turning to soybeans turning to green galaxies of fireflies at night. He thinks he likes these stars better; the blue ones just hurt.

When they cross from Indiana to Ohio the stuttering becomes an ache, like the valves have shut down and the arteries are cut off. He keeps his breaths short and measured, careful, while his hands white knuckle the steering wheel and he presses a little heavier on the gas. It costs him a breath, that foot still on his neck. But he keeps driving. 

The case is a weird one and Dean hasn’t been paying enough attention to explain how he ends up driving out in the middle of nowhere by himself. He can’t even tell you what town they’ve been in the past few days, just knows that there was a lead Sam needed to follow, leaving Dean to cruise down dark country roads that shouldn’t feel so achingly familiar and his chest shouldn’t feel so painfully full and empty all at once. 

But Dean’s not an idiot. He does know these roads and he knows what waits up ahead. He keeps telling himself it doesn’t mean anything. This isn’t some kind of sign, his heart choking and coughing and lurching like a car on its last wheel with every stretch of mile. 

At the sight of the barn he almost turns around. The aching in his chest is seeping into his bones, it feels like they’re breaking from the inside out, like there’s something swelling inside his chest cavity and pushing bone through tissue and skin. 

The barn looks almost exactly the same as last time, the old wood boards grayed and weathered and hanging from the frame with just a few nails and the grace of God - or Jack now, he supposes.

It takes Dean a good thirty minutes to make himself get out of the car. And it hurts. Every movement hurts down to the flex of his knuckles, each foot fall against the hard dirt path. 

Dean stands outside the door, his hand raised to pull it open but unable to follow through. 

Cas isn’t going to be there, he tells himself. Stop being an idiot. Because he has to make sure any lingering tendrils of hope are gone. For whatever is left of his sanity, he just has to. 

He doesn't realize until he’s already opened the door that he hasn’t drawn a weapon. There’s a dark growling voice in the back of head calling him a damn idiot, but it’s not as loud as it used to be. It’s been fading over the years but ever since - ever since… well, it’s been pretty radio silent in the last few weeks.

 It turns out there’s no need for a weapon anyway. The barn is empty save for some abandoned farm equipment and hell’s entire population of spiders. The ground crunches beneath him and Dean looks down to find broken glass everywhere. There are scorch marks on the walls. The air is stale, untouched for years. The last time Dean had been in here it had smelled like lightning. 

With that thought the pain becomes unbearable and Dean shatters like the glass beneath his feet. His hands reach out without thinking, seeking something to grab, to hold onto, but he can’t find anything. He can’t see, can’t hear, all of his senses drowned under the wave of agony ravaging his chest. 

He’s dying. Dean just knows it somehow. But he doesn’t want to fight it this time. The desire isn’t even there. He doesn’t know when that had left him, maybe the night the Empty claimed Cas with a confession of love still wet on his lips, maybe in that void of loneliness once Cas was gone and Dean had sat decimated on the cold floor for hours trying to understand what the fuck had just happened and why he hadn’t been able to say something back, maybe just before Dean had walked through the barn door. Whenever it had gone, it had clearly gone with the angel and Dean didn’t miss it. Didn’t have a reason to anymore.

He’s not going to be there either, Dean hears the last bit of his self-loathing whisper, like one last punishment because even in death, Dean Winchester can’t let himself have peace. 

I know, Dean thinks. He knows Cas is gone, somewhere no one can ever reach him. He’s done the research. But how can you document the existence of something that represents Nothing? That is Nothing but the absence of everything in all of time and space? But he wishes Cas could be on the other side. Even with all hope gone, he still wishes it was possible if only to give Cas the one thing both of them thought they could never have. Because Cas deserved that much. Cas deserved more than the world had ever been able to offer. 

Castiel… Cas… I-

“Hello Dean.”

Dean’s heart stops and his eyes fly open.

He’s here, just feet away, in the same oversized suit and dirty trenchcoat. He’s here.

“H-how,” Dean starts, his mouth too dry. “I don’t- C-Cas how…” 

Cas doesn’t move except to blink. “I think we have Jack to thank for this.” His voice is a deep and gravelly as the day they met and it’s like a soothing balm over Dean’s aching body, chasing all the hurt away like his grace has all these years. 

“He found you,” Dean says because he needs to hear it again. “H-he found you.” Jack did what Dean couldn’t. The pain that has been raging inside Dean is gone, replaced with a weight of gratitude for the kid. 

Cas nods like it’s that simple. “It took a while, but yes. Jack is very… determined. I think he gets it from his father.” The corners of Cas’s mouth soften into a small smile.

Dean doesn’t know how he finds the energy to blush but he feels the heat seep into his cheeks all the same. He has a million questions and another million things he wants to do with his hands right now but they’re safer in his pockets. There are too many words rushing around his brain and none of them feel right, none of them feel like enough. “Did you- what you said,” he tries, desperate to know but not sure exactly what he wants to know first, “when you- did you… mean it?”

A shadow crosses Cas’s face and Dean immediately regrets asking. “You still doubt me?”

“No, no,” Dean hurries to say. Cas hasn’t moved but he feels further away and that alone makes Dean’s chest hurt again. “I know- I know you meant it, Cas. I mean, I-I watched you…” get ripped away again. Cas had said he loved Dean and been swallowed into nothing. It left little to be misunderstood. It was just that… “You’re an angel, Cas,” Dean says, his voice sounding weak even to himself. “You’re like a million years old and - and I’m - you’ve never… is it the same kind of…?”

“You think I do not understand love the same way that you do,” Cas says, voice clipped and dry. It cuts like a blow and Dean can’t help but flinch. But he nods. Cas watches him carefully before nodding himself. “You are right. I am an angel, I was not designed to experience emotions aside from love and loyalty to my creator.”

Dean is deflating before Cas finishes his sentence. 

“And yet… since the moment I first touched you in hell, there has been no being or entity I have trusted more without question,” Cas continues and Dean meets his eyes, confused and dangerously hopeful. “There has been no one I desired to follow to the ends of the Earth as I have desired to follow you. I do not love you the way humans love. Because I fell in love with your soul before any other part of you.” Cas’s arms rise to cross over his chest and there’s a faraway look in his eyes. “I have seen inside of you, Dean, I have seen the core of who you are and carried the roots of you in my arms. I held your soul against my chest and felt the greatest warmth I have known in my entire existence. I felt the true depth of your compassion and love, deeper than any ocean God could ever craft. And I knew before I rebuilt your body that a part of me would always belong to you, and no other thought has ever brought me such peace.” 

When Cas’s eyes refocus they snap to Dean and his next words sink past every barrier of defense Dean has left. “I don’t love you in the same way as a human. I love you more than you could ever truly fathom, Dean. But I know that it is love because you taught me how to recognize the signs. You defined love for me. And even though you don’t feel the same, I am-”

“But I do.” The words jump from Dean’s throat before he can think them through but there’s no way in hell he’s going to miss another opportunity. He’s lost Cas too many damn times to waste a single minute. “I do, Cas. I- I can’t see your soul or whatever but I - you’re the only - Cas, I don’t want to breathe when you aren’t here.” He feels feral as he speaks, ready to jump out of his own skin, and honestly isn’t sure if he’s saying actual words. But the movements of his tongue and lips feel right so he keeps going. “Everytime you leave or get taken away it just gets harder and harder and I don’t- I can’t do it again.”

Cas is watching him with careful eyes, but Dean can see the hope blazing just under the surface. “So what do you want, Dean?”

“You,” Dean says and takes a step forward. “Us. I want us.” 

The hope bleeds through into the blue and Cas’s eyes shine like the stars Dean’s been avoiding. “Is that all?”

Dean shakes his head. There’s a new life unraveling in his head as he takes another step closer to Cas. A life far away from hunting, with a cozy little home with enough yard space for a vegetable garden, a garage to shield Baby when they aren’t filling her trunk with suitcases instead of weapons and driving to the ocean just because. A life with kids and familiar faces at the supermarket and big family dinners with friends on Friday evenings. And Cas. Every minute of every day there is Cas. The only constant, the only necessity. “I have a list,” he admits and takes another step. “But you come first.”

Cas is close enough to touch now and so Dean does. His hands fall on Cas’s waist and slide around his back to pull the angel forward and Cas comes with no resistance. He falls into Dean’s chest like a missing puzzle piece, his arms wrapping around Dean’s shoulders and clutching tight.

“You have me, Cas,” Dean whispers into his angel’s ears. It’s a moot point by now but he thinks they both deserve the reassurance. “You’ve always had me.”

“I want to go home,” Cas says, his voice soft but still sending a rumble through Dean’s body.

Dean clings even tighter. “Then let’s go make one.”

[a-tale-of-legends]

@weliveinapokemonworld asked about the relationship between Elliot and Alexis, and Elliot Alexis and Naomi! This is going to be a long one!

From the beginning, it was always Alexis and Elliot, Elliot and Alexis. They were born together, raised together, made friends together- I mean duh their hometown wasn't really big. Believe it or not, in their more younger years( 5-10), Alexis was considered the more outgoing twin, with Elliot being the ever- so shy girlie. Obviously when puberty starts to hit, there was a shift, and Elliot became more adventurous, reckless and overall more outgoing, and in return, Alexis became the cautious older brother ( I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Alexis is the older one of the twins). Despite this change, Elliot was the one that made Alexis pinkie promise to each other that they'll never leave each other's side and well, you saw how that turned out.

Their nuzlocke journey( which , yes, I'm still doing Elliot's, I'm just taking breaks so I don't get overly stressed like Alexis'), I feel that's when the distance started to grow between the two. Which make sense: their pokemon were dying and both of them were 14 years olds who probably haven't experienced death in such a way. Well, they did experience death before, but I'll get to that when I get to that. I feel like Elliot, would actively try to go for her brother, since her parents are so far away and she doesn't want her journey to end, but everytime they meet, Alexis is slowly getting more and more drained.

I feel like I already talked in detail about the Big Leave( Sidenote: I wanted to do a small fic/ one-shot between Elliot and N with Elliot getting mad at N cause she blamed him for Alexis running away to " look for him" but only to end up crying cause she really just thought she did something wrong. It was going to end with Elliot inviting N to her house cause the man does not have a place to stay. I'm kinda mad that I never finished that), so let's talk about the big return. Obviously things are rocky between the two. Alexis was in a state if isolation that did not help his mental state whatsoever, and Elliot has no many ( angry) words to say that she holds back on cause holy shit, her brother looks so broken. Cheren, being Alexis' not really ex but also kinda ex, didn't hold back though, and Bianca, precious Bianca, actually gave him the silent treatment for a bit. Now in her head she thought that Alexis thought that this outcome from Cheren and Bianca made him believe that he was now truly alone in this world and all that jazz which pushed her further into keeping her thoughts to herself. In other words, she's a hypocrite. She wants her brother to be honest with her when she's not being honest with him. Now that's not to say she didn't punch him, or chew him out a bit- she did. Trust me she did. But after that? All of her qualms with her brothers action was tight lipped.

Okay let's go onto Naomi cause this is getting long. However, I'm not gonna go too deep into the three, since I'm kinda already writing about it( SwSh rewrite). Though I'll admit its taking a while, so I guess I'll give you something. Naomi, Alexis and Elliot had only met once before her gym challenge. At her father's( and the twins uncle) funeral ( unless you count video calls with baby Naomi). Given how Leon was on his gym challenge and later became champion, I feel the funereal happened a year after. So Naomi was only 6, and Alexis and Elliot were only 13( or 12 depending on the month the funereal took place, which I haven't decided on). So obviously, the three didn't meet on the best of times. I feel like the twins would try really hard to either distract Naomi from the fact that her dad passed away, or they should try to gently tell her that her dad is no longer with them, since I feel that she wouldn't understand what's happening ( I was thinking of a certain full metal alchemist scene) . Of course, the two are very emotional pre-teens, so they couldn't really break down the news to her in a meaningful way. Though, in the short time they had stayed in Galar, the three did bond a little bit.

Fast forward to now and this is slightly spoilery( putting this in bold so you know it's might be getting spoilery!), but I haven't even finished the chapter yet, and I still need to edit, so some things might change between now and who knows when the chapter is done( I don't even know if I'm gonna post it on tumblr yet), BUT I will say that at the mention of her cousins from her mom, since Naomi already knew the two were coming to Galar, she can't really remember their faces. And she would just chalk this up to her being six and not every six year old remember things ( especially given how it was involving her dad's funeral) but it was always so odd that she can't remember. It was always....foggy? Hard to see? Whatever it's probably nothing.

Going back to more general stuff, the twins act like mentors for Naomi, giving her advice about pokemon battles, pokemon, wild life( even though it's a bit different than what they're used to). However they also pose as obstacles, since the two, especially Alexis, ate extremely protective of her, not wanting her to get involved with any of the dynamax situation. At all. Which kinda ends up falling flat, cause eventually she will get herself involved, whether they like it or not....if she has the confidence for it.

[bigskydreaming]

I’m literally in love with the way you write Dick and Jason’s dynamic

Thanks, glad to hear that! Personal preferences aside, I honestly do think it just opens up SO many more potential stories if you go with the idea that they did have a brotherly relationship before Jason died, just they didnt get together around Bruce because Dick was still hoping Bruce would make the first move in reaching out to him. Rather than just stick with the usual assumption that because it wasn’t seen on the page, they had barely any interactions and both resented each other for various reasons.

But those reasons all trace back to Bruce, and if you look at them as two people who are united by the common experience of being fish out of water, adapting to the same environment after coming from DRAMATICALLY different origins, able to connect over that and understand each other in a way nobody else really can because nobody else has ever really had to straddle two worlds as definitively as Dick and Jason had to in their formative years....

Like, the big sticking point for me in the Dick vs Jason: The Grudge theory was just that....at the end of the day, these are two boys who grew up with very few loved ones to start with, or having had to deal with the loss of those loved ones.....

But one way or another......are these two specific characters really ones that make sense as wanting to reject the possibility of more family?

They’re connected through Bruce, like it or not, that was never going to change even from before they ever met......and the idea that Dick Grayson and Jason Todd would each be content to waste literal YEARS never even TRYING to connect with the person who was probably most like him and who by all accounts was already his brother in most ways just by way of Bruce...not even to see if maybe they COULD actually be brothers? To have family beyond just Bruce and Alfred? 

Me @ every fic or headcanon that says Dick had Only Child Syndrome and resented Jason because of that: right because Dick Grayson of all people is anti-family. He’s full up with that one guy whose legal guardianship of him has been expired for a couple years and who he hasn’t spoken to since long before then.....nah, why would he want any more or any other family beyond that?

I mean, I absolutely believe that Dick was upset and hurt that Bruce adopted Jason while he’d never even offered to adopt Dick......but Dick has never been one to pass around blame instead of focusing it on its true point of origin. That’s his and Bruce’s issue. And honestly, there are TONS of reasons for Dick to be upset about that, without making it about Jason at all. 

There’s literally no reason for Dick to take it out on Jason ever, if his biggest issue or grievance is that like....it feels like Bruce was just so done with Dick and considered him so out of his life, something like “just added a new kid to the family” didn’t seem like relevant information he should pass on to Dick despite the tenseness between them. When you have to find out from the NEWS that your old family unit just full on up and adopted this kid you’ve never heard of before now without even so much as a phone call.....there’s plenty of cause to feel like this is a message that you’re not really considered part of that family unit anymore, so why would you need to know?

Or like, the fact that Bruce didn’t consider hey I’m thinking of adding another kid to my family that consists of me and the kid I’m so afraid to tell I think of him as a son in case he doesn’t feel the same way, that I’ve sat back and let things get this bad between us and fester.....hey maybe before I issue adoption papers for a second kid, I should think about putting in an equivalent effort at fixing things with my first kid first?

Or why not write Bruce thinking: “Hey if I can’t even fix things with the kid I raised for almost a decade and think of as my own no matter how long its been since I talked to him.....what on Earth makes me think I’m qualified to take on a SECOND child?”

Like....Bruce was the one who held all the power and all the options, Dick had no other option but to go along with whatever Bruce decided Bruce was going to do, and neither did Jason really.....so there’s no real reason in my head that should be a point of contention between them or a reason to resent each other instead of just stressing to them the importance of having significant family ties beyond just Bruce because history clearly showed even at that point that best intentions aside, the man is fallible.

If anything, that should have been common ground!

I think there was like, an initial negative reaction of maybe one night, the first time they met and Dick even though he was prepared for it still had to adjust to the reality of actually seeing this stranger he was irrevocably connected to now by both his names, even if neither was technically his anymore....like to actually SEE him standing there in his old role....that’s gonna hit anybody hard.

But he also would have clearly been able to see that whatever else he may have been, this twelve year old Robin was still a kid, and one who hadn’t had a lot of time to ever be a kid in the first place.....which again, instant camaraderie, because boy could Dick relate.....remember, Dick may have had a happy childhood with his parents before they were murdered but it was also a childhood where he WORKED. He loves being an acrobat, he loved being in the show, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t WORK, that his childhood didn’t consist of training as long and as regularly as any adult acrobat while everyone else his age was running around playing outside and making friends. And after Bruce took Dick in, most of Dick’s free time was spent being Robin, training as Robin, etc?

Which IMO would have made him take one look at this kid in his old costume, literally standing where he had once stood, stepping into his old shoes.....and I think Dick’s real honest reaction once he brushed aside any kneejerk feeling of pain or bitterness the way he brushes aside all the physical pain he feels when out as Nightwing but refuses to let get in the way of him doing what he has to, doing what’s right....

Nah, Dick would have taken one look at this tiny kid full of fire and bravado but also so clearly eager to please, to be praised, to be told he was doing a good job and even without that he was worth something, his life had value, the world was better just because he existed......

And I think Dick’s bitterness about the situation would have crystallized into him resentfully thinking well B’s not exactly the best about dishing out affection or praise so I’m gonna make sure this little Mini-Me standing there in my old colors looking just as young and small as I must have looked then even if I didn’t realize it at the time....I’m gonna make sure I keep him supplied with a steady diet of “Nice Words and Gestures That Kids Should Grow Up Receiving Regularly.”

Dick has always been a firm believer that the best way to make sure something gets done is to do it yourself.

So yeah, I honestly do think that back during those days, Dick and Jason were thick as thieves when their schedules allowed for it, with it being simultaneously painful and unspoken that they had to like....work around Bruce’s presence so Dick could avoid him, but somewhat softened by the challenge and thrill of two brothers scheming to pull one over on the Big Bad Batdad every time the older brother wanted to take the little brother to go somewhere or do something, like, even just to spoil him rotten.

Cuz really....isn’t that a lot more interesting than ‘oh they barely ever even met back then and it wasn’t great, that’s it, the end’? There’s so much you could do with even just that, from them sneaking Jason out for a fun adventure that’s layered with just a hint of poignant angst because of the unspoken why of him needing to sneak out instead of them just saying hey Bruce, we need some bro time, Jason’s hanging with me this weekend? Or you dial up the angst and layer it with lightness or literally anything between those two points on a spectrum.

There’s so much Secret History potential buried back in those years....adventures they had together and never told anyone about, secrets shared between brothers they never shared elsewhere.....maybe Dick opening up to Jason more than he usually likes to, but here felt it might be the only way to get Jason to do the same, with Dick thus offering up some painful tidbit from his past that he never told even Bruce or Alfred for some reason, if he thinks Jason’s upset about something and needs to vent but will just keep insisting he’s fine unless Dick leads by example and goes first.

There’s so much potential for in-jokes that only the two of them know and everyone else is ENDLESSLY curious about, because everyone always forgets that those two have so much history because it was literally kept out of sight, out of mind, so they could keep it free of the friction that was bound to come of adding Bruce to the mix before their father cleared the air with his eldest first.

So its an easy thing to forget about or overlook, especially since it rarely comes up....but everytime it does rear its head via some private joke only they know or a reference to some event back then that everyone else is kept boxed out of having any context for....that’s the kind of stuff that would drive a family of detectives craszy, because they want to know! What’s the joke??

And yet its likely they’d never ask, because as curious as they are to hear about the mysterious missing years of the first two Wayne children, back when there was literally nobody else present to ask for details.....they never can figure out HOW to ask those questions, not when they’re equally aware of the swiftly hidden expressions of pain or bitterness that flash across the two eldests’ faces after each unearthing of some long-buried treasure they shared between them. Unable to ever escape the fact that each of those treasured moments would forever be followed with an inevitable reminder of why there were so few of those moments, in the end. 

Why those years ended far earlier than they should have, and why their reunion upon Jason’s return was hindered and complicated by Dick’s obligation to other siblings Jason hurt while dealing with Pit after-effects and the lack of a strong support system while swayed to League sympathies...

And of course, ultimately there’s the reality that after the Adventures of Young Dick and Tiny Jason were cancelled far ahead of schedule, and that several year long intermission....by the time everything else was gotten out of the way, the stars of those earlier adventures were as long gone as the adventures themselves. Dick and Jason were both entirely different people by now.....still containing within each of them enough of who they were back then that those memories are kept carefully protected and hidden away, all the more valuable for how few and sparse they are, and how rarely they’re brought out to look at and enjoy.....

But with those vaults buried deeply enough within who Dick and Jason both are these days, that there’s a lot of blood and loss and pain you have to cut through just to reach that vault. There’s no retrieving anything from it without a cost. A cost worth paying, given that they can’t help themselves from calling back to it every now and then, even though they know the inevitable result is going to be end negative and not end positive. But still high enough to give them pause before actually doing so....holding back sometimes so the toll is doled out sparingly and over time. Getting greedy and trying to bring out/back/up too much too fast is far more daunting than either can afford to pay at the moment.

So that’s how I like to view the two of them and their dynamic back during and because of those early years before Jason’s death. Bittersweet and shaded by nostalgia.....temptation and warning both, in how much they want to revisit it but how much they fear ruining what they’ve managed to cobble together now by bringing the past too much into the light, comparing past and present too clearly and risking that being reminded too strongly of the brothers they were back then, will just make it impossible to ever be content with anything but that bond replicated in full and they’re not sure it can be, are both too afraid too much has happened since then and trying too hard, putting too much pressure on the dynamic they’ve built now could risk shattering the relative fragile bond completely.

Pretty much everything I write with the two of them, unless I specifically state otherwise via context, is generally written through that lens, with me viewing that as the backstory for their dynamic that I’m running with.

[good-ol-garmi]

Cole

Every ninja has problem...

-- -- -- -- --

Here we go, one fanfiction, ready to go!

I've been typing these headcanon angst fics (based off this post!) for months, and figured that it was about time I began posting them on here.

Everytime a new chapter is posted, I will post a link to the next one/previous one at the bottom.

Trigger Warning For Eating Disorders

If You Are Sensitive To This, Do Not Read, Or Read With Caution

Enjoy!

-- -- -- -- --

Cole couldn't stop.

It was an endless cycle of pain. Even after all these years, after all those late nights over the toilet, he still couldn't make himself stop purging.

Whenever he felt insecure or stressed, he'd stop eating. He'd call it a ‘diet’, but in reality he wouldn't eat anything at all. After a while, he'd start feeling better, and he'd eat again. He wouldn't just eat, he'd binge. Until the guilt set in.

After he was finished bingeing, however long that lasted, he'd make his way to the bathroom. He would be disgusted by how much he ate. He would be disgusted with himself. In turn, he would stick his fingers into the back of his throat and empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl.

It was painful. It was disgusting. He hated it.

But he also couldn't make himself stop.

Mia was a constant whisper in the back of his head. She wouldn't let him stop, wouldn't let him out of the cycle, no matter how much he hated his self-destructive tendencies. Mia was good at overtaking his judgement. Mia was silver-tongued.

Although, at this point, he couldn't tell his own thoughts from Mia’s. Cole figured they might even be one-and-the-same nowadays.

It's hard to track things like this down to one singular moment, or one singular cause. For Cole, it was probably a mixture of things. The pressure from his father, and the resulting pressure from that corner of society. The failing health of his mother. His physical fitness, and the guilt that neither of his parents were able to achieve that.

He remembered telling himself not to eat. He wasn't sure what he was trying to achieve. Weight loss, self-punishment - for one reason or another, he felt that he held a certain power if he skipped meals. And it was hard. Really hard. Cole loved to eat.

But he was successful… For about six days. At the end of his first week, he was just too hungry. With minimal self-control, and having always been a fairly impulsive person (as teenagers tend to be), he feasted on anything and everything he could find in his father’s kitchen.

And then, full of anger and guilt and food, he felt lost. He felt hopeless. He felt awful.

He wasn't sure what made him do it the first time. It seems like such a weird thing to come up with. Cole thinks he read it, somewhere; read something about bringing back up what he was ashamed to have put down. So, without thinking about the consequences, he made his way to the bathroom. He felt surprisingly calm.

He knelt, shoved his fingers down his throat, and his life was changed forever.

And that's how it began, his relationship with Mia. It only got worse, more cemented in his brain, as it continued. He wasn't sure if his parents knew what was happening - tried to only purge when they weren't around. But they had to have noticed, right?

Noticed that he needed help?

Once his mother died, and he ran off to climb mountains and grieve, it got surprisingly better. He was still devastated by his mother’s death, and angry at his father, but his eating and mental state became stable.

Looking back, he thinks it was the environment. Being outside, as well as away from society, was good for him.

Everything was great for a while. Master Wu brought him to the monastery. There, he would become friends with Zane, Jay, Kai, and Nya - all of whom would be his friends for life. They fought to help, to save, people (with Lloyd eventually joining the team). It was an amazing (albeit stressful) experience.

Until Zane died.

When he grieved for his mother, he managed to get better. When he grieved for Zane, his disorder came back with vengeance. The same emotions - mainly anger and guilt - overcame him once again. He went off to go work in the woods, away from the city, but this time nature didn't help.

And this time, he didn't get better.

One would think that becoming a ghost would have made everything easier; that he couldn't have had an eating disorder if his body didn't require him to eat. In reality, it was the exact opposite. The desire, the yearning, was still present. But he was physically unable to act upon it. If anything, it only made him worse.

And then, as if to add insult to injury, he regained his humanity.

Which, at first, made him very happy. He was human again! But even though he was beyond excited about the return of his physical body, that didn't mean that he ate normally. Nope. It was right back to where he left off before.

But in its return, in its growing severity since his first trip to Yang’s temple, he was less careful. He didn't check to see who was on the Bounty. He didn't check to see where anyone was. He might have even forgotten to lock the door. He just binged and then found himself kneeling in front of the toilet.

He vomited twice before he heard the knock on the bathroom door. “Cole? Are you alright in there?”

“I think I ate something,” he began the scripted excuse he used to give his father, on the rare occasion he had heard, “that didn't agree with me.”

“Are you, uh, sure?” He heard Jay continue. “You need any, uh, help?”

Yes, he thought, wanting to cry it loud, I need help.

“Jay, I'm throwing up. How are you supposed to help with that?” Cole asked.

A pause, and then, “I don't know, man. A hug? A therapist?”

Panic. “A what?”

“Therapist. You know, to talk to.” He chuckled, nervously. “Sorry I’m not any good at this. I just don't know what to do.”

Cole wiped his mouth with a piece of toilet paper, then his nose, and then flushed everything down. He called to him, giving Jay permission to enter. Cole looked him right in the eye with as much confidence as he could muster after being bent over a toilet bowl. “What do you know?”

Jay shrugged, chuckled that nervous chuckle he does, knelt down next to Cole, and then spoke. “Uh, forgive me for making assumptions, especially if I'm wrong, but, well…”

“Maybe explain with less filler words?” Cole requested.

“Right!” Jay exclaimed. “With the way you don't eat with us all the time, or the binges you go on, I had an inkling that something was wrong. But now that I've caught you, like, vomiting…”

Cake crunched his brows. His heart was pounding. Jay was so close… “What are you insinuating?”

“You're bulimic, aren't you, Cole?”

His heart sunk all the way down to his stomach. No. Jay knew. Jay knew. He knew the name and everything.

Cole didn't say a word.

In the silence, Jay quickly retracted his statement. “Oh! Am I wrong? I'm wrong, aren't I? Oh gosh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-”

“You aren't wrong, Jay.” He forced out. He didn't want anyone to know, but… “You aren't wrong.”

Jay’s expression shifted slowly, morphing into an entirely new emotion. Cole was surprised to see that it wasn't disappointment. “How long have you, like, been...you know…”

He had words in his head, had an honest explanation. He was ready. But when he spoke, all that came out was a choked sob. Cole wasn't surprised. Jay was.

“Dude! You alright?”

Cole looked at him incredulously. “I have an eating disorder, Jay. Do you think I'm alright?”

For a moment, the only sound was sniffling. Suddenly, Cole burst forward and pulled Jay into a tight hug. He was surprised, as evident by his tensed my muscles, but he quickly relaxed. Cole was thankful. Deep down, he knew he needed help; he knew he needed support.

And for awhile, they just sat there, on the floor. Cole cried - for himself, for those around him - and Jay sat there, silently supporting him.

With sudden urgency, Cole shot his head up. “Don't tell Master Wu. Don't tell the others. Please!

His best friend looked skeptical. “Cole, I can't-”

“Please, Jay. I-I promise to get this under control.” Lie. “Just keep it a secret, between us buddies, right?”

Jay bit his lip. Cole could see the panic in the other boy’s eyes. For a ninja, Jay had a lot of trouble making decisions in high-stress situations. After a few moments of silence, Jay exhaled.

“You know, Cole, I'm in a pretty sticky situation here.” Jay told him, sounding slightly whiny. “But I won't tell anyone.”

Cole exhaled a breath he hadn't known he was holding in. “Oh my gosh, dude, you're the-”

“On one condition.” Jay continued. “You have to let me help you get better.”

Cole was unsure of how to answer, at first. Too many contradicting emotions. He couldn't sort them out. All that came out of his mouth were two, broken words:

“Thank you.”

-- -- -- -- --

Next

[todokori-kun]

Ok:

Luna, you’re the best. You’re smart, you’re talented, you’re dedicated, you’re creative and caring, a wonderful listener, so much fun to debate with, and the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve helped me with ever since we started talking; I respect your resolve. You’re unique and amazing, and I’m so, so sorry this is happening to you.

I won’t go into detail because it’s a complicated story that’s also way too long, but I’ve sort of felt that way before too (thinking it might be better if I just disappeared/wishing I didn’t exist/feeling worthless). It sucks.

I don’t know if this’ll help, but just know that I’m always here to listen if you need it. You can Email me (though I guess that’s probably not an option lol) or just, like, I don’t know, maybe post something on the blog like ‘Evans can we talk’ and I’ll definitely see it and respond because I stalk this place 24/7 (Evans is a creep please don’t encourage her). I’ve also been considering finally getting a tumblr so maybe we’ll be able to PM each other sometime.

There’s absolutely nothing to apologize for. It’s really brave to talk about stuff like this (I never can). And if there’s any way I can help, please, let me know.

  (Also, funny story (it’s actually gross and is basically just Evans whining about stuff):

I know from experience that stomach-related sicknesses suck. When I first started taking swimming lessons I was an idiot with zero stamina who could barely swim halfway across the pool without coming up for air, so needless to say, I ended up gulping a ton of water (especially since my teacher didn’t go easy on me; mom told her not to because I’m a sloth and I usually won’t do any exercise on my own besides simple stretches and some walking/running). I mean, the water in swimming pools is usually a bit disgusting, and it’s even worse where I take lessons because it’s a pretty old place and I don’t think it gets cleaned that often… so not only did accidentally swallowing it trigger my clean-freak senses, I also ended up with a terrible stomachache. I thought it was fine, that it would pass. But then I got a fever and every other thing I ate made me feel like someone was twisting my intestines from the inside, I couldn’t even lie down and rest for a sec because whenever I moved or tried to change positions it got even worse ;p; (also my mom never let it go, she kept jokingly 'reminding’ me that water from a swimming pool is not something you should drink after I started swimming again. I guess I kinda deserved it, though. I was an idiot))

That sounds so lovely <3 I’d really love to go visit Norway myself sometime, though I’ll probably have to wait a few years (my mom has back problems that make it painful for her to stay in one position for too long, so long plane/car rides are a huge no). And oooh if you have any good pictures I’d love to see them :D

Thanks, I’m glad I managed to explain my shipping reasons (like it’s so hard to properly talk about why I ship stuff sometimes XD)! I would give anything to have you join me in Stoki hell so let me just recommend basically the entire Remember This Cold series (it’s angsty as heck so proceed with caution…there are bits of humor and fluff in there, though, and then some extremely rare (almost) pure fluff fics. Like the one where Steve wants to propose but is a nervous bean because Loki’s a PRINCE and he wants to make it perfect). I’ll also try to find some more good fics later becase I can’t remember any titles right now ^^;;

YES ANOTHER T'CHALLA FAN I adore this guy (also I feel like he has a really cool voice. Not really sure why, it just sounds so nice). I really respect him for his attitude towards Steve and Bucky after he figures out Bucky’s not the real murderer, and how he later stops letting his anger towards his father’s killer consume him.

We’ll fangirl over the Black Panther movie together when it comes out, won’t we *schwing*

(right after I wrote 'schwing’ I got this mental image of Hisoka having his glowing, expolsive schwing moments after seeing T'Challa. And then Hisoka schwinging in theater while watching MCU movie fight scenes. Why am I like this)

I can draw, but I don’t know how to animate so these memes will never be a thing ;-; it’s so sad, I’ve got everything planned out…everytime eyes are mentioned the screen zooms in on Illumi’s eyes (yes even when Illumi’s not in the song because he’s a Zoldyck assassin, you can’t keep him out) and the word 'eyes’ gets the weird treatment where all these high/low/metallic(?) voices get layered so it sounds like the creepiest thing ever

('History has its eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi’ is both the animatic I want to see the most and the animatic I hope will never be created)

Fun HxH facts I want to let you know about:

Kite (AKA Ging’s student and Gon’s big brother figure) is dead and has been brainwashed into being a weapon/punching bag for his captors. When sunshine angel Gon meets the new Kite he lets Kite beat him up and then hugs him, promising to save him (THE FEEEEEEELSS)

Forgot to mention this about Chrollo, but when Kurapika killed one of his troupe (a guy named Uvogin), Chrollo acted all cool and never really talked about Uvo…

but then he had the rest of the troupe murder 2000 mafiosi guarding a building they were trying to get into, and while watching the chaos from afar, listening to their enemy’s screams, he started waving his hands as if conducting an orchestra…

“Uvogin-san. Can you hear it? This requiem we’re dedicating to you.”

(jeez Chrollo we know you’re extra but you can’t just murder 2000 people and play a funeral march with their cries of horror every time you lose a subordinate)

Lastly: There’s a new character named Knuckle who’s like the HxH version of Metal Bat. He is the sweetest cinnamon roll. I love him. I’ll send you a pic later

So um did you hear the news about Hinami

(Queen Luna cosplaying Maka(? or any of the other three MCs)…omg that sounds so awesome)

*facepalm* ok WHOOPS I actually read about that on the SE wiki a while ago. How did I forget about it

Yep! It was so good <33 (Lizzy looks so graceful and pretty I can’t even) I actually found the whole movie on YT but just watched the parts I was really looking forward to seeing animated, like UT’s fight scene, Seb getting stabbed, the rest of the Midford family…(Francis’ hair shocked me. Idk how to feel about it. At first I thought it made her look like an old lady, but then, the more I look at it, the prettier it gets…like, it’s actually a really nice design, but I guess I got too used to manga!Francis lol)

Light is the trash GOD.

(hope you get to read the light novel! As far as I know it’s got a TON of L and Naomi in it so it might make you feel better :D)

Oh yeah, I get what you mean. Light’s reasoning/views on the justice system probably connects a lot to the culture and social issues of Japan at the time.

DN’s probably still one of the easier-to-adapt mangas out there, though, since the themes of justice and questioning the idea of 'greater good’ is something anyone can relate to (and they still botched it, I’m very salty about this and you can’t stop me ;-; even with how terrible Ryuk and Rem looked in them, the Japanese movies were WAY better, and it’s actually pretty rare that Japan makes a good live-action movie from a manga or anime. Apparently the TG movie that came out this year was pretty good too, though :D).

(I apparently somehow accidentally erased the part where I mentioned I actually read HCs/theories about Japanese-American Light on tumblr somewhere….that’s what got me thinking about it.

I agree though, seeing how different cultures would change Light’s character would be very interesting.)

The lack of potato chips doomed the entire Keikaku from the start.

I can see you being similar to Pearl too! I think I’m maybe a bit like Lapis…or possibly Connie. Or maybe Blue Diamond because I also cry way too much (but then again BD actually has a reason to be miserable so)

Those are both cool gems<3 and yeah, they’re both really pretty :D

I was talking about gem 'roles’ back on Homeworld, though ^^;; like, how Pearls are considered servants or pretty accessories, Diamonds are leaders, fusions like Garnet are outcasts, Rubies are 'dumb muscle’, Sapphires are valuable prophets, Peridots are tech experts, Jaspers are soldiers…sorry, I should’ve been more specific OTL

I’d probably be a Pearl lol. I could see myself being a Peridot and being scared to death without a Quartz soldier to guard me but I’m not good with any kind of technology so nah.

And sorry for asking weird questions, I forgot it’s been a while since you watched the show ^^;;

Hey, don’t feel bad about slow replies! Like I said before, I seriously don’t mind as long as you’re ok :D and I’m so glad I’ve managed to help.

('a friend I appreciate’ *ugly sobbing* thank you)

Did someone say suffering?

*'Remember That We Suffered’ plays in the background*

DID THE QUEEN JUST SAY 'Goals’ ABOUT SOMETHING I MADE OMG I’M FREAKING OUT TYSM

Ayyy I’m so glad you liked them! (The Hide pic was painted with the intent to kill)

(last thing:

I’m sorry, this is probably really creepy, but I ended up telling my mom about you because she asked who I was talking to (she knows I have internet friends and has seen me writing messages before). Since I’m only 13 she worries about the people I talk (she knows all my friends on ao3) so I told her some small things like your age, that you’re from Croatia, that you play the piano too and that you mentioned having a sister.

I’m really, really sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, mom just worries a lot and she likes to hear about my friends (like, she worries for my safety on the internet so she has to ask me some basic things about the people I talk with, and when she knows I have a good friend on the internet she sometimes wants to hear if my relationship with them is ok). I’d never tell her something really private but sometimes she wants to talk and I know she worries for me so I do tell her small, random details from our convos.

if you’re uncomfortable with that, though, I’ll stop. Again, I’m so sorry about this.)

And after two weeks of silence, the species finally shows some signs of life.  ;-;

I’m totally not crying.  I’ve said this so many times and you’re probably getting annoyed, but I have no idea what I did to deserve you in my life.  You’re actually the only person I’d told about my current mental state at that time, and I’m so glad you didn’t freak out or just write it away as me overreacting (like my mom did), and it means so so so much to me. Truly, thank you for being here for me. (And not giving up on me, considering how long my replies take ;-;)

I’m here for you as well, though, so if you’re ever feeling down, you can message me ^^ 

Oh, it’d be cool if you’d get a tumblr! I can guarantee my replies would be faster then, since the messages would show up in my notifications...

Also, to brighten things up a little, this is how I picture you at the beginning of the message:

Oh  god that sounds disgusting XD And perfectly describes why I don’t wanna do swimming as a sport. Are you still swimming? It’d be cool if you were, cause it’s a really beautiful sport imo. 

That’s unfortunate... Hopefully you’ll be able to visit it someday ^^

Tbh considering the shit I unironically ship sometimes, no ship is weird enough to be unexplainable. Name a single reason why you ship it, and it’s valid in my eyes. Heck, it can be ‘they look good together’ and I’ll say ‘makes sense’. Y’know why? Because I’m one of those ppl who will ship it if they so much as look at each other.

ok fun fact: I’ve loved T’Challa since I was like 8, because every summer, there would be a weekly publication of superhero comics, and Black Panther was almost always there, and I was a nerd even then, so I’d always buy them. Other than Spiderman, Black Panther was my favourite superhero. 

Lololol I need the HxH Cast watching MCU movies. Oh yeah, I found this a while ago and immediately thought of you:

Amazing... If you ever learn to animate, please send me a link, because I will pay money to see that. Just. I’m not even into HxH, but I’d give up a lot to see the crossover XD

Ouch, that seems like a lot of feels... Seriously I have no idea where you get the mental strength to read to many angsty moments...

um, yeah... i have actually... but um, she’s alive, right?

Turns out I gave my skirt I’d used to charity, so until i find a replacement, I can’t take any pics... well, at least i can grow my hair out to Maka’s length till that happens XD

I adore the movie, seriously, the animators did such an amazing job with it, especially the most important scenes. BUT HECK; WHEN WILL WE FIND OUT WHAT OUR CIEL’S NAME IS?? It’s been hinted that it’s quite unusual, BUT THAT MAKES IT EVEN HARDER HNNNGH

Oh yeah, I’m gonna find that novel even if it kills me, because I need the L. 

lol I still haven’t forgiven the movie adaptation of Avatar the Last Airbender. It was so bad that most people (including me are denying its existence). I might watch Death Note some time soon, so I can judge it for myself tbh... 

Of course, the chips were a vital part of the Keikaku... No wonder it didn’t succeed...

No worries! It’s not your fault! Tbh, i dont think id even reached that part when I was watching it, so it’s interesting to hear all the roles...  Aw, you’d be an adorable Peridot ^^

Tbh ‘friend that I appreciate’ doesn’t even begin to describe how precious you are to me. You’re the first online friend I made and the first person I told about my mental state, so honestly, you’re one of the people I feel closest to...

Nah, I don’t find it creepy at all!! Seriously, I sometimes tell my parents about people I talk to, so I’ve mentioned well ^^ It’s your choice what/who you’ll talk about ^^

[ckyking]

oracle!au - part ii

it’s time for more oracle!au :D! as always, thanks to @jasperraven​ for enabling me and whose blog you should visit if you want to read fics written in this au~ also, @goddamnminyard​ for inspiring the part about mechanic!aulea! 

okay, when we left off, tiny oracle had just been released into the world with overprotective papa cor as a guardian

but we are first going through flashbacks because man did sylva, regis and aulea have an interesting life before being tragically cut down okay im shutting up

sylva totally had her own road-trip with a side of fighting in the resistance, alright? her and her girl gang of course. they were going to accordo to strengthen their alliance in the midst of the war against niflheim

her best friend, aulea, whom she met in high school but really got to know when the regalia broke down during her first test drive at sixteen and she was the one to repair it. after all, she’s a mechanic’s only daughter and fell just as hard as her mother for everything cars. tbh, she first fell in love with the regalia and only decided afterwards that sylva was “okay, i guess”. she ended up asking to be trained with sylva’s shield because there was no way she was letting sylva go without her on the frontlines! in battle, she is deadly with a rapier, cutting down anyone in her path.

amy and sylva gave her so much shit when they found out what type of weapons she favoured. they were sure she was going down the same “big fucking sword” road as amy. she got back at them through magical “mishaps” when she was “learning” how to wield sylva’s magic.

the regalia was totally aulea’s wedding present from sylva. all of them knew that it was more aulea’s car than sylva’s at this point~ she was ecstatic as you can believe. the heart attacks she gave regis when she took baby noctis out on drives though! she did not manage to pass on her love of cars to him, but speed? noct is all about it!

then, there is sylva’s shield, amaryllis “amy” amicitia, clarus’ twin sister. both clarus and her were trained as potential shields because it’s tradition that the eldest amicitia become the king/queen’s shield. except it was not possible to make the choice based solely on age in this case. it was decided that the next shield would be the one with the greatest compatibility with sylva, both magic and personality wise, while the other would become a high ranking military official and advisor to sylva. she is a fucking giant, okay? which was useful when she had to pick up one of the other girls to stop them from doing something ridiculous. really, her and gentiana were the most even-tempered of the group. though her and her greatsword are truly and intimidating sight, which was helpful during their travels

she ended up receiving a grievous injury in defense of sylva which left her sterile. this is why iris, clarus’ eldest, ended up becoming luna’s shield. after the wall was shrunk to surround only insomnia, she became sylva’s other advisor alongside her brother.

and while we’re talking about clarus, he also ended up travelling for a while, which is when he met his future wife, who is a power plant worker. however, she continues to work in lestallum and the children mostly live with clarus with occasional visits. when gladio ended up showing interest in hunting, he moved to lestallum and started training as a hunter around there to supplement his father's training and then started to move around eos

camelia claustra, another friend of sylva whom she met during one of the many political parties she had to attend. she comes from a family of politicians and is seen by everyone as a strong candidate for a high position in the government, maybe even first secretary, when she gets more experience. she meets sylva in secret when she can to organize the resistance’s next attacks and to talk politics in order to gain an advantage over niflheim.

she does keep contact with aulea after lucis falls back because they are both in “nifl” territory (accordo and tenebrae) though it’s much more difficult with sylva

and finally, gentiana, who will later become known as “the immortal” for her prowess in battle. she was recruited by the former commander of what would turn out to become the crownsguard. she wields a katana in battle and her strategic mind was a key element in keeping everyone safe during the bigger battles.

regis was not without his share of adventures though

he was one of the most rebellious of the oracles tbh. he did not think that his role was to passively keep the scrouge at bay while staying safe in tenebrae, a belief his parents tried to instill in him and one of the reasons why their country lost some of its hard gained independence during his father’s reign. despite not being acknowledged as the oracle at the time and not having access to his full powers, he went on tours to help those afflicted by the scrouge. it was also the occasion for him to travel the world a little. he mostly used swords and magic during his travels, having sought training from guards and hunters when he could while growing up so that he did not have to solely rely on magic.

it was in accordo that he met weskham, who would become one of his best friends yet. seeing that weskham was originally a tattoo artist, that’s when he started developing a passion for them. nobody would believe the many designs hidden under the oracle’s formal clothes~ he mostly used guns in battle and was the one to make sure everybody actually ate, what with regis’ and cid’s tendency to get lost in whatever they’re doing at the time.

he stayed in contact with regis and regularly visited him. he was pretty much a uncle to noct growing up, but could not be there as often as he wanted due to niflheim’s surveillance and restrictions after regis and aulea’s death. noctis does still visit him during his oracle tours, and weskham tries to be there for the biggest festivals in tenebrae where the oracle plays a significant role.

cid became another one of his friends when they met in one of the lucian towns afflicted with the starscrouge. fighting daemons together does create bonds after all. he teamed up with regis and co after that during regis’ tour. it was during that time that he started modifying weapons, with some “interesting” results in the beginning. after regis’s father died in the middle of one of the tours and he officially became oracle, cid ended up going back to lucis and founding hammerhead due to cars being his true passion. as you can imagine, him and aulea got on really well~

he also kept into contact with regis, mainly with letters sent via regis’ messengers and occasional visits. and just like weskham, tried to be there for noctis when he could

cid also adopted prompto as a child after regis and co saved him from daemons (more about that later!)

and to finish, they did journey for a while with clarus, who was on his own training trip. really, just like in canon, he is there to keep regis out of trouble which he cannot help but seek. it’s exhausting really.

like for the other members of regis’ “crew”, he keeps in contact via messengers, though it’s impossible for him to visit seeing that he is in insomnia and sylva’s advisor

one last thing about regis, his messengers are hawks, and not dogs. new messengers are born at the same time as the oracle they will serve and will be taught by the previous oracle’s messengers. in that way, power and knowledge grow with each new oracle that is born. most of the time, they die at the same time as their oracle except if the last of the oracle’s power is used to preserve them. of course, cor is an exception to all of that, seeing that he voluntarily joined the lucis caelum household at the time of noct’s birth. his origins are actually a mystery to regis~

as said earlier, noct is basically raised by cor after his parents’ deaths and was inducted at a young age as the oracle

it was during one of his first tours that he heard about galadh being overrun by the starscrouge and he decides to go there in spite of it technically being in lucis

when a gralean official learn about his plans and tell him that it is not possible, he tells them in his gentlest voice while cor is looming behind him that the territories surrounding insomnia are now part of niflheim, and seeing that tenebrae is also considered part of niflheim, it would be fine to go there, right?

of course they end up agreeing with him because they’re terrified of cor and they’ve received orders from higher up. the oracle is to be kept out of gralea as much as possible, and if that’s impossible, he is to be given what he asks for (within reason) to make him go away. noct milks that for all it’s worth and ends up getting free accommodations and transport in niflheim territory in spite of being around 8-9 at the time (regis and aulea’s influences shining through)

though, you know how gentiana uses her powers to photobomb the chocobros? cor uses them in a much more sinister way by appearing in the corner of gralean officials’ eyes and showing up for an instant on security footage to, ah, reinforce the message to leave noctis the fuck alone!!!

it works marvelously

finally, noct can be on his way and heal the galahdians, including nyx, who swears to become his knight and serve him

oh boy, nyx doesn’t know what he signed up for (everytime he hears nyx complaining about some ridiculous shit that noctis has pulled, he always laughs and point out that he was literally the one to hire himself as noctis’ guard. and “employee”? pffffttt, as if he was just that)

first of all, the first thing noct asks him is to call him “noct”. it takes nyx an embarrassingly long time to go from “your royal highness” to “noctis” to “noct” XD

and he’s so blasé by the time he finds out that noctis makes niflheim pay for nearly everything during his tours that he is not even surprise. he has accepted by this point that his boss casually pulls things like those and the only way to avoid a heart attack is to get used to it

eventually, nyx is the one to design the Oracle’s Knights uniform, seeing that he is the one that founded them (he is stunned when noct first tells him that)

now, nyx started his training as a galahdian warrior young under his father’s tutelage before he was killed in battle

after he joins noctis’s “entourage”, cor is actually the one to continue his training thanks to his experience and the time he spent on eos. it’s supplemented with the occasional mission with hunters so that he can gain fighting experience.

cor would never admit it on pain of death but he was totally jealous when nyx became the oracle’s first knight, seeing that he got used to being the one to protect his starchild

it takes noctis a few days to understand the root of his guardian’s “mood” and he confronts him in private about it. when cor notices that it’s something important, he kneels to put himself closer to noct’s level. which is when teeny oracle tells him point blank with no embarrassment whatsoever that nyx being with them does not mean he loves cor any less before kissing him on the cheek.

(the straightforwardness definitely comes from cor)

cor is confused and does not know how to answer and his chest feels weirdly warm (that’s called happiness, cor). he finally realizes that he got attached and that feelings, unfortunately or not, are catching.

the first time nyx go on a mission, noctis gives him one of his earrings (which have been in his family for a long time and that his father had given to his mother as an engagement present), with the implied promise that he will always have to come back to noctis to give it back one day.

this is followed by nyx giving him one of the charms his sister made, so that noctis too will always come back to nyx

it’s after one of those missions that noctis half-jokingly asks him what he wants, what with him never having asked for anything during all of those years

nyx not-so-jokingly answers “to be closer to you” which stuns noctis until he rewords it as “to be bonded with you in a way similar to the lucian crownsguard” to save face, which noctis accepts bemusedly (@jasperraven ;D) 

it sends him on a research spree with the help of cor, during which he finds out about his ancestors having forged some of the nox’s royal arms. but the account of the oracle having forged the scepter of the pious is the most interesting

and it gives him an idea about how to channel his power through nyx using a piece of himself as a focus in order to always be able to find nyx in both astral and mortal realms magic-wise

really, he is always channeling power through himself and he can feel that he has lot more power than necessary to keep the starscrouge at bay. using it to strengthen nyx would not be a burden at all. it would also go well with an idea he’s had for a while

they all head to accordo to visit weskham, and noctis asks him to tattoo both of them. mixing each other’s blood in the ink would allow noctis to create a bond between them and to share his power by giving nyx access to a part of himself and thus access to his power

for the tattoos, noctis’ is on his back and represents a fish (because of course) similar to a siamese fighting fish with its flowing fins blending into sylleblossoms 

whereas nyx’s is more simple and represents sylleblossoms climbing up his wrist, so that he can always see it/touch it for strength

to be continued in part iii~