#its kinda why ive been avoiding a lot lately i feel bad for being a little art leech | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cdroloisms · 3 years

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uhhhh ,, , hi ??

i feel bad bc i havent been here in. LITERALLY forever lmao - hope you guys r all doing good!! ive been working on some stuff but it’s been pretty slow going, and school is also A Thing, so i definitely havent been writing as much as i’d like.

as an apology, have this? really self-indulgent feel-good syndicate + c!dream centric oneshot bc i felt like writing this so u know. why not.

tws: implied torture, abuse, self-harm, disordered eating, starvation mentions, prison arc themes - overall everything’s just blink-and-you’ll-miss-it mentions, not too much angst here for once! c!sam and c!quackity critical, sorry guys but we r still in the prison arc and they still r on their “fuck human rights” arcs.

Dream leaves.

It’s a surprise - or maybe it isn’t one, Niki isn’t quite sure. She’d never grown to quite trust the man, she knows, and she can’t really tell if the bitter twist of emotion that swells up her chest when Phil comes to her city with the news is betrayal or resignation - what can she say. She’s gotten more than her fair share of broken promises. They don’t exactly faze her anymore.

None of them seem all that surprised, save Techno, who entirely fails to hide the worry that flickers over his face when he calls the Syndicate meeting to officially inform them of what’s going on. She shares quick, careful glances with the other members when his back is turned - despite how many times he’s been burned, Techno still seems so adamant at holding onto every thread, trusting all too easily those who would use and leave him behind without a second glance. He can handle himself, she knows. Still, that’s not going to stop her from slapping Dream upside the head for being yet another worthless person to betray her friend’s forgiving nature.

Nothing much changes in the next few weeks. Niki has to admit, it’s strange without Dream around - he’d not been an ally, much less a friend before dipping completely, but he had been some sort of constant - and Niki is self aware enough to know that she misses him, a little, the same sort of way you might miss an old routine once it’s gone, if only for the familiarity. She still visits Techno and Phil with various baked goods, knowing that Phil would have his hands full just keeping Techno from running himself ragged - makes sure to check on Ranboo, whose nerves have inevitably returned with Dream’s disappearance. To be honest, she doesn’t worry as much as he does - ally or not, she’s spent enough time with the Dream that had left prison to expect that he won’t exactly be able to get himself very far should he come for the four of them, and doesn’t particularly care about he might pull with the rest of the server - if things get bad, she’s sure Phil and Techno will have it handled. She asks Phil, once, what happened, and he shrugs.

“I don’t know, mate,” he heaves a chest to the side, pulling out a stack of stone blocks that Niki gladly holds for him. “One day we woke up and he was just- gone. Everything. Was like he wasn’t ever there at all.”

Niki hums. “Why’d you think he’d do something like that?”

“If I could understand half of why Dream does what he does, we wouldn’t be having this conversation now, would we?” He smiles at her from behind a crate. “Shall we bring these things upstairs and start on dinner?”

Niki laughs, knowing that the conversation about Dream is over. “Of course, Phil.”

Dinner is a welcome distraction; all of them have gotten better at cooking in recent months, between her baking and the veritable library of recipes Phil knows that she’s never even heard of, but Phil is still the only one she really trusts to hold his own behind the stove - Ranboo is still a little too nervous around water, and fire, and much of everything, and though Techno can be a perfectly capable cook, he’s been distracted as of late. She has a strong feeling that left to his own devices, he’d just grab a stack of steak and disappear for another few weeks, searching the server for information.

Honestly, she’s a little thrown off by his behavior - he’d not done anything like this with Tommy, if she remembers right, and had hardly seemed affected by Wilbur’s betrayal on the Sixteenth at all (then again, she was a little too lost in her own head to notice if he was.) She tosses her head over to ask Phil, who’s leaning over a few carrots he’s slicing to throw into the stew he’s making, and the man pauses, frowns.

“From what I know,” he starts, words slow, careful, “they’d spent three months in there together, and the conditions weren’t exactly- stellar. According to what Techno said, I’d assumed they had come to some sort of understanding.” He goes back to the carrots, expression dipping into shadow and out of sight. “Guess I was wrong.”

Niki hums. She can see it, sort of - spending months together with someone, no matter how insufferable, probably would end with some degree of attachment - she thinks back to plotting through sleepless nights with Jack, anger and grief leaving them simmering, crabs in the same pot of boiling water, remembers looking into his dead-eyed gaze and seeing her own stare back - and feels a brief pang of guilt. Besides, Techno is Techno. She’d never met someone so willing to forgive, understand, reach out despite everything that’s happened - for Dream to take advantage of that feels almost too obvious. Of course he would - what were they all thinking?

“He’s Dream,” she says as if that explains everything, flipping open the oven door and feeling a wave of heat blast her face. Phil hums lowly, understanding. “I hope Techno will be alright.”

“He’s tough,” Phil cracks a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “And he has us on his side. He’ll get through.”

Niki opens her mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by the front door slamming open. Outside their quaint little cottage, the wind howls - it sounds like the beginning of a blizzard out there, flurries painting the world in a thick blanket of white. In the door, Techno strides into the entrance with loud, decisive movements, shutting the door loud enough to make the walls shake. Inadvertently, Niki finds her eyes drawn to the small pile of snow that he’s tracked into the house - Techno’s usually so careful to kick it all off on the porch, never liked it much when there was a pile of melting ice and snow dampening the floorboards and soaking into his shoes. He huffs harshly, stripping off a snow-dusted scarf from his face - a long, multicolored abomination that had been the product of her attempting to teach Ranboo how to knit. Phil has reached his side, hands splayed over his upper arms, eyes soft in the corners from concern.

“Techno, mate-” his tone is chiding but his movements gentle as he brushes snow off of Techno’s signature cloak, “you’ve gotten snow everywhere. What were you doing, dueling a blizzard?”

Techno shakes his head, not meeting Phil’s banter as usual, fur sticking up from the snow melted into it. His voice is gruff and holds little humor - unconsciously, Niki feels her shoulders tense.

“Phil, call a Syndicate meeting.”

---

Phil, per usual, is unrelenting, so it’s not until a quick dinner and some hurried messages to their final member later that the Syndicate is gathered in their meeting room, Techno pacing the length of the room as they wait in their respective seats. He looks less frazzled than he did when he first entered the house, in part due to Phil’s sitting him down to eat and picking through his fur to smooth it out of its windblown spikes and tangles - Techno had grumbled at him to stop preening him, but looked a lot more relaxed by the time they were all finished with their food. Still, his ear flicks periodically, twitching toward ssome sound that Niki can’t hear, movements tighter and jerkier than she is used to. He’d always been a little flightier after the prison, but not quite like this - everything here feels like that but dialed up to eleven. Inexplicably, it reminds her of Dream.

“Techno?” Phil gestures towards his seat, prompting, and he settles into it with an obliging huff.

“Y’know, Phil, the code names are kinda pointless if we never use ‘em,” he says, words carrying no real heat - he looks back at the rest of them, lips thinning into a line. “Anyway. I called this meeting because I found a couple leads on Dream.”

“O-oh,” Ranboo stutters, tail lashing behind him.

“You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to, mate,” Phil reminds him gently, a sentiment that Niki affirms with a determined nod.

“There’ve been some reports- rumors, really,” Techno says, calling their attention again, and they all turn towards him, “of increased activity around the prison again. The Warden spending more time on its grounds, movement seen around the walls and around the portal- so I decided to go check it out for myself.”

Niki frowns, and watches as Phil does the same beside her - Techno had seemed to avoid the prison if he could help it, save for when he went on the initial mission to break Dream out. It was no secret to them that he didn’t exactly like the place.

“We could’ve helped if you asked,” Phil reminds him, and Techno shakes his head.

“I know, Phil. It’s just- that place is bad news. I’d rather keep you guys away from there if I can-” his hand goes to his head with a poorly hidden wince. “Sorry, Chat’s a little- worked up, at the minute.”

“Sorry, we’ll stop interrupting you,” Niki says, cutting off Phil before he says anything else. “So you went to the prison?”

Techno takes a second to gather his thoughts, mumbling quietly in the way that usually means he’s telling off Chat. “Right- I decided to stake out the portal. The rumors were right- Sam has been hanging around there, entered and left the prison four times yesterday. And today-” he hesitates, expression visibly darkening. “This morning, about an hour after the Warden arrived, Quackity came to the prison and went through the portal. He left the grounds about six hours later.”

“Quackity?” Niki frowns, eyes flicking over to how Phil has stilled in his seat. “What is Quackity doing at the prison?”

Phil ignores her question, reaching towards Techno, something indiscernible in his gaze. “Mate…”

“He smelled of blood when he left,” Techno says, words sharp, and Niki feels her heart skip a beat. “Warden left about half an hour after, and I came back here.”

Ranboo clears his throat, sounding tentative. “Okay,” he drums his hand on the table when they turn towards him, eyebrows drawn, “but what, exactly, does this have to do with, uh, Dream?”

Techno and Phil trade glances, one of their bouts of unspoken conversation that Niki’s grown extremely used to. They seem strangely hesitant, she notes internally, Phil looking towards Techno with a question written clearly in the planes of his face. Techno sighs, a long puff of air through his lips as he closes his eyes and turns his face towards the table.

“You know how Dream was- injured,” he starts slowly, looking back up at them. Niki shifts uncomfortably - of course she noticed, it was impossible not to - if not the bandages that peeked under his sleeves and the cuffs of his pants, then how skinny he’d been, all skin and bones curled up uncomfortably in a pile at the corner of Techno’s couch. She’d not know the extent, by any means, and had always assumed that they’d been self-inflicted - she’d been in a bad enough place on her own before to know how your head can make you want to hurt, sometimes, how eating food can feel like choking on sawdust and the world could feel so much smaller when focused into delicate pricks of pain. Phil’s eyes are trained on Techno - on his face, then on the pinkish raised skin of a still-healing scar along his forearm, and she feels understanding settle like a rock in her gut.

“The Warden had apparently been lettin’ Quackity into the cell to torture Dream for the revive book,” Techno trails off, eyes narrowed and seemingly fixed on a random point of the opposite wall. “By the time I go there, it’d been goin’ on for months.”

“But wait,” Ranboo’s tail moves even more erratically behind him, “You mean you think he’s back- there? How?”

“He has to be back in the prison,” Techno points out. “I can’t imagine anyone besides him that the two of them are goin’ to just start torturin’- Sam had been iffy about the whole thing when Quackity started in on me. It has to be Dream in there again.”

“But how did he get in there, then?” Ranboo asks, visibly confused. “Last time it took the entire server to lock him up!”

“There were no signs of a struggle,” Niki points out, matter of fact. “I believe you, Techno, but I don’t really know how they managed to drag him back so easily. I can’t imagine he was jumping at the chance to go back in there.”

Techno shakes his head with an uneasy sigh.

“I have a feelin’ of what might’ve happened,” he says quietly. “And I really hope that I’m wrong and he’s less of an idiot than I think he is.”

---

They set out to investigate - and maybe attack - the next day, Techno and Phil taking on the bulk of preparations as Ranboo stays behind. He’d been understandably uneasy about the whole mission, so they’d left him back by the Syndicate room to set off their pearls in case anything went wrong. (“By the end of the day,” Techno had said, giving Phil a look with the corner of his lip quirked upwards, “don’t be like Phil here and think I meant the end of the month, alright?”) They’d all be supplied with armor and weapons, thanks to Phil, but she’d been handed the bulk of their potions, arranged neatly in her inventory by type in case they’d be needed. She lingers in the back of the room as Phil and Techno chat amiably over the sound of making last minute repairs on their armor, listens to Techno’s ceaseless reminders for Phil to be careful, watches as they make sure that their stasis chambers are properly prepared should they need them.

(She watches as Phil nudges Techno’s shoulder when he lingers behind a certain chair, empty as long as she’s been part of the Syndicate, the fountain behind it bubbling quietly without a pearl inside. Techno sighs, expression strange.

“Should’ve set him up with one,” he says, quiet, and Phil pats him on the back.

“You couldn’t have known, mate. We wanted to wait a little before telling him about the Syndicate, remember?”

Techno hums, noncommittal. “Still.”)

They Nether travel to the site of Techno’s lookout, which ends up being a little shambling thing with dirt walls dug into a small hill looking towards the prison portal, having hardly enough space to fit the three of them. Phil looks at it with no small amount of apprehension, and Techno shrugs lightly, wearing an expression that makes Phil turn to him with a look that makes Niki break into giggles. Techno crosses his arms- “in my defense-” and Phil looks up at the dirt ceiling with a long-suffering sigh.

“You couldn’t have made this a little roomier, mate?” Phil asks, voice dry as kindling, and Techno raises his hands by his head.

“Hey hey, it’s discreet, it gets the job done, it’s perfectly structurally sound-” the sound of the leftmost wall crumbling, along with the cloud of dust that puffs from it and fills their tiny space, undermines the tail end of his statement and leaves him sputtering, Niki falling into another fit of quiet giggles. Underneath it all, Phil sighs again, raising his wings behind him.

“...these are going to take so long to clean out.”

To his credit, Techno looks sheepish. “Sorry, Phil.”

They sober up quickly; Techno turns around to the opposite side of the hill, where he’s hidden some peepholes inside the dirt - Niki settles herself by one, leaning forwards to put her eye to it and catch a glimpse of the prison looming over the water. It’s been repaired since the breakout, she notes, the gaping hole in the roof completely gone and replaced with obsidian, as intimidating and undamaged as it had been before, if not more so. Phil makes a considering sound from behind her.

“Same plan as last time?” He asks, and Techno shakes his head.

“They’ve probably reinforced it, and Dream’s blueprints won’t include anything new the Warden’s added. I wouldn’t be surprised if they moved Dream to a different location completely. We don’t want to draw too much attention, either, we were cutting it pretty close during the breakout.” He narrows his eyes. “I was thinking we’d try something a little stealthier, this time. “

He gestures at Niki, who blinks back at him with wide eyes.

“You got a couple of invis potions for us?”

She distributes the potions among them all, one regular and two splash potions of invisibility each, and Techno points towards the prison once she’s done.

“The most important thing is to get through the portal,” he says with a grim expression. “Worst comes to worst, once we’re inside we can always blast our way through - but gettin’ through that portal is our first priority.”

Phil narrows his eyes at him. “The portal is locked, though. We’ll need to follow someone else inside- and I’m pretty sure Sam uses pearls, so he’s out.”

Techno nods. “Which is why I’m bankin’ on the prison gettin’ another visitor today. We’ll just have to wait.”

Niki swallows. “Do you mean-”

“Quackity?” Techno turns away, not quite meeting her eyes. “I’m not totally sure, but he’s not exactly the type to just give up on his goals. He’s pretty predictable- an empire needs an emperor, always needs something new to rule- you know the type,” he says, tipping his head towards Phil. “He’ll be mad at Dream for disappearin’ on him and won’t miss the opportunity to prove he has the upper hand again. I’m not sure that he’s going to come today-”

“-but you wouldn’t really be surprised, either,” Phil finishes for him, eyes steely with cold determination. “I trust your judgement, mate. Just stay safe- from what I’ve heard, Quackity has been...erratic.”

“When is he not,” Techno huffs a short laugh, shaking his head. “I’ll be fine, Phil. Just be careful, both of you. Don’t get too close. And if things get messy- which is what we’re tryin’ to avoid, by the way- then don’t do anything too risky. Our priority is gettin’ in and out alive.”

“We can handle ourselves, Techno,” Niki reminds him with a small smile. “And Ranboo is there in case anything goes wrong.”

“Alright, then. Here’s the plan.”

---

It takes quite a long time for Quackity to arrive, long minutes that Niki spends fidgeting in the corner of the room, brushing her hands over seams of the netherite plates that Phil had shoved into her hands, back at the Syndicate room. The set is inexplicably light - not weightless, by any means, as it is still netherite, but not nearly as bulky as any set of netherite armor she’s owned or seen in the past. The runes are precise, lines thin and exact, written with graceful strokes of lapis.

“Phil’s the best metalworker I’ve ever met,” Techno tells her with a small grin, catching her in the middle of tracing what she can make out as an Unbreaking rune along the metal strapped to her forearm. “But then again, he’s had the time to practice.”

“Are you calling me old again?” Phil huffs, and Techno flashes a smile her direction before looking at Phil with a slight grin.

“Well, Chat is,” he says, lips twitching when Phil glares back.

“You can’t just blame Chat every time you insult me, you little shit,” Phil groans, and Techno only grins wider.

“Phil, my ad revenue,” he complains, a dramatic lilt to his voice that has Niki stifling a snort, and Phil’s glare only grows deadlier.

“You’ll have more than your ad revenue to worry about if you keep this up,” he mumbles, going back to keep watch at one of the peepholes and stilling as he does. “Shit- Techno, Quackity’s here.”

Techno straightens up, hindered slightly by the low ceiling of their room. “Alright- we all know the plan, right?”

Niki nods in the affirmative, pulling out a splash invis and letting it settle in her hand, the glass cool beneath her fingertips. She reaches into her inventory and lets her armor fade into it, takes a deep breath and watches as the two across from her do the same. She doesn’t wear armor often, but so close to the prison, feeling mining fatigue settling deep into her bones - she’s never missed the security it offers more. Techno keeps watch, waiting- drops his arm in a signal. Now.

Niki throws the potion at their feet, flinching back at the sound of shattering glass and feeling its effects seep into her skin. When she opens her eyes, she can’t see anything but the inside of the room that they’d holed themselves in and the faintest of wisps rising from where their feet must be, curling around the grass.

(Please let this work, she begs to no one in particular as they walk towards the prison. And if you can hear me- please keep us all safe.)

She hardly breathes as they follow Quackity across the path, holding someone’s hand in her own - Phil’s, by the feel of it - careful to muffle her footsteps in the grass and stand still whenever Quackity’s eyes come a little too close. Thankfully for them, he seems focused, hardly stopping or looking around at all as he walks towards the prison’s portal, movements stiff as he walks forward. He punches the button on the wall particularly harshly, and Sam’s voice comes crackling through a speaker a second later.

“I’m here for my visit,” Quackity says, punctuating the sentence with a snort of laughter that doesn’t sound particularly sincere. Niki hasn’t seen him in a long while, not after everything that happened in Pogtopia, and she feels a chill worm down her spine - this man looks nothing like the one that had laughed and danced and sung at her birthday party what feels like an eternity ago. What happened?

Sam sighs, the sound turning into a sharp burst of static through the speakers. “Hello Quackity,” he says, voice deep and tired. “Please step into the portal after I tell you to and then wait on the other side.”

“I know the drill, Sam,” Quackity rolls his eyes. “Just because the bastard was gone for a few weeks doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how this damn place works.”

“Just going through protocol, Quackity,” Sam replies, and something about this response has Quackity exploding into a brief fit of laughter, the sound grating against Niki’s ears. She feels her grip tighten on Phil’s hand, air caught in her throat.

“Protocol- ha. Whatever you wanna tell yourself, pal.” Quackity smiles, cold and cruel, and Niki tries not to think about how she’d seen that same grin on Wilbur, eyes sparkling from the light of the lanterns hung from the bridges and walls of their ravine, remember how she’d looked into them and realized her old friend wasn’t there, anymore. Quackity disappears into the portal, and after a second, the hand around her own pulls her inside of it too.

On the other side, Quackity taps his foot impatiently, crossing his arms and waiting- Sam’s voice comes through the speakers again, words clipped.

“Go through the portal,” he says, and Quackity does- once again, they wait for a second for his body to disappear, then go within it themselves, pressed close enough together within its frame for Niki to feel the warmth of a wing wrap around her shoulders for a quick second before they’re out of the hot, stifling air of the Nether and into a large, neatly made lobby of blackstone and quartz. They duck into a corner, watching as Quackity moves towards the front counter, the Warden waiting there with his arms crossed over his chest. He looks- tired. His movements are slow, footsteps loud against the floor, shoulders tense and back hunched. He walks around the counter, sword strapped to his belt, and Niki feels her breath hitch at the sight of dried blood still stuck to the blade in patches and splatters.

“He ready?” Quackity asks, holding his hands out - Niki catches a flash of metal as Sam drops something into them, watches as Quackity raises what ends up being a pair of shears, dangerous-looking and gleaming with enchants, to the light.

“Yes,” Sam says, side-eyeing Quackity with a small glare. “You know, it’s supposed to be your job to clean those things off when you’re done with them.”

“I told you, busy day back in Las Nevadas yesterday,” Quackity waves a hand- “I’ll do it, alright? Don’t get all pissy now. What happened to being partners?”

“You said we’d be done with this months ago, Quackity,” Sam sighs, and Niki feels a light tug on her arm as Quackity and Sam begin to walk towards the wall to the right of them, breathes in slow and deep as she follows Techno and Phil towards the others. The wall yawns open with the hiss of redstone firing and pistons pulling blocks upwards, opening into a dark hallway that feels like entering the maw of some sort of giant, insatiable beast. They step inside as one, and the door shuts behind them.

“We’ll be done soon enough,” Quackity says, and Niki feels hairs rising on the back of her neck. “Trust me.”

They stalk forwards through a labyrinth of blackstone, Niki brushing the palms of her hand against her clothes when it goes clammy from adrenaline. Halfway through, she pauses to tip back a second potion of invisibility, careful to keep her movements slow and steady as not to make a sound - the liquid is silvery, cool and light on her tongue, and she lets the effects wash over her with her breath caught in her lungs before moving forward. The tunnels are simpler than she’d expected, bearing little obstacles or checkpoints - Quackity makes a wry comment a second after (“Guard tunnels today, huh? Appreciate the hustle, pal-”) that confirms her suspicions. Despite the potion particles still whirling around their bodies and the sounds of their footsteps, too loud in her own ears, they manage to make it forwards without much trouble, entering a large room with a doorway filled completely with a curtain of lava.

“Set your spawn,” Sam says, still stoic, and Quackity rolls his eyes again before doing as told. Niki keeps looking back at the lava flowing past the wall, its heat filling the room and making her already slick palms even worse, and Sam moves to the side to flick a lever, eyes trained on the lava slowly bubbling in front of him.

“Give me your tools?” Quackity asks, and Sam sighs before doing so - Niki watches as he hands over a netherite axe, then potions, then a few raw potatoes that Quackity accepts and puts into his inventory. Sam raises an eyebrow once he’s done, hand tight around the handle of his trident.

“You bring your own sword, today?” He asks, seeming irritated, and Quackity shrugs.

“Sorry pal, I need to make a new one. Guess I’m borrowing yours again.”

Sam sighs again, louder, and hands over his sword as well, watching as Quackity swings it a few times experimentally. The blade skims a little too close to her on one swing and she can’t quite help the squeak that escapes her lips as she throws herself out of the way, feels her heart hammer in her ears as she backs up against the wall. Please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that-

“Quackity, wait.” Sam raises a hand, ear twitching as he looks over in her direction with narrowed eyes. “I think I heard something.”

Oh fuck.

“Well, guess show’s up then,” Techno drawls, and both of them whirl towards his voice, giving Niki enough time to pull her armor back on, scrambling to get her sword and shield in her hands as Phil does the same besides her. Pieces of armor appear where Techno is standing, then a bucket of milk- oh, why must her friends be so dramatic- and Techno’s standing there, smiling sharply, with Orphan Obliterator held loosely at his side. “Let’s get this done, then.”

As one, Techno and Phil blur into action - Techno moves forward to catch the prongs of Sam’s trident on his blade as Phil parries Quackity’s blows with his own sword- they move fluidly, easily covering each other’s backs as the room devolves into chaos. Niki remembers their guidance as she flits in and out of the fight, scoring quick hits to keep the Warden and Quackity off balance while remaining out of range from their weapons, and it’s not long before both of them have fallen with a spray of items and experience orbs scattered all over the floor.

Techno moves over to block off the exposed face of the bed with a block, looking over at the two of them with an uncharacteristically severe expression. “They’ll be back soon- we have to move fast. Niki, you have those fire res, right?”

She nods as she reaches into her inventory, finding the potion’s orange-pink glow and smashing it at their feet. They dive into the lava together, Niki scrambling to keep up, her arms struggling to move through the thick lava, loses sight of both until she flails into something directly in front of her and hands are pulling her up out of the lava.

“There you go, mate,” Phil smiles down at her as hauls herself to her feet, making a face at the feeling of the lava clinging to her clothes. “Yeah, swimming through lava isn’t exactly fun. You good?” She flashes him a thumbs up, and he laughs- “Niki, you’re still invisible.” She flushes pink- right.

A few sips of milk later, she gives him a proper thumbs up, and he laughs, loud and bright. She looks past him to where Techno’s crouched over something- someone, she realizes with a start, in the corner. Dream’s back in prison clothes, ragged and ill-fitting, and he’s curled up with his back towards the front of the cell, shaking enough to be obvious even from where she’s standing. Techno speaks lowly, voice barely more than a deep rumble in the air, almost inaudible.

“You there, Dream?”

She watches as Dream turns his head, looking up with wide, bleary eyes. His hair flops in front of his face, and something within her itches to brush it out of the way. “T-Techno?”

“Yeah nerd, who else?” Techno smiles, and Dream seems to blink awake, drawing himself up with a shuddery breath.

“Techno- it’s a trap- what are you doing here?” he hisses, and Techno gives him a look, deadpan.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s a trap- come on, Dream, we’ve been over this by now, bro. You have to know that their traps aren’t goin’ to do anything to me by now,” Techno rolls his eyes, reaching forward to steady his hands on Dream’s shoulders when the other man sputters and struggles to breathe. “Easy, now. Geez, you wanted to prove me wrong about being homeless bad enough that you came back here? We could’ve just made you a house, you know. You didn’t have to go this far.”

“I- they were gonna kill you,” Dream breathes, face twisted up uncomfortably, and his eyes flick past Techno’s face to where Phil and Niki are standing at the opposite wall of the cell. “All of you- they said-”

“And that’s what I thought you’d say,” Techno groans. “Come on, you idiot, I thought you were smarter than this-”

“They were right there, Techno!” Dream fires back, eyes alight. “You- they were right there, what were you thinking, they could’ve-!”

“And my best friend is a necromancer, remember?” Techno shakes his head. “Come on, Dream- Sam and Quackity? You know we can handle them in a fight, especially when you can just revive us if anything goes wrong. You don’t have to do this whole self-sacrifice thing, bro- there’s only so many times I can break into the same prison, y’know.”

“You’re so stupid,” Dream huffs, but he leans in anyway, head just barely settling against Techno’s shoulder. “I- I can’t believe. You’re so dumb.”

“Hey, don’t be sayin’ that to the guy that’s breakin’ you out of prison,” Techno laughs, slinging Dream over his shoulder with an easy motion and laughing harder when it makes him yelp. “That’s just bein’ ungrateful. You’re making Chat sad, man, and when they’re sad they don’t subscribe-”

“I regret this entirely,” Dream says, voice muffled against Techno’s shirt, tone completely flat. “Put me down- you idiot- I’m staying here. You’re worse than Quackity.”

“Rude. Now you’ve really made Chat mad. I demand an apology-”

“Boys, boys.” Niki can’t help giggling, watching the way their gazes snap towards her, rolling her eyes as she moves forward with a few potions held loosely in her hand. “Dream, do you want a health pot?”

Dream seems to deliberate for a second, before nodding at her, expression slightly strained. “...sure.”

“You two can finish your argument after we’ve broken out of the biggest maximum security prison on the server,” Phil drawls from behind her, arms crossed at his chest. “Come on, now, before Sam gets back.”

“Isn’t this the only maximum security prison on the server?” Techno asks aloud, an amused expression on his face - one that only gets worse when Phil glares at him with one ice-blue eye.

“Shut-” he sighs, shaking his head. “You two are chaotic little shits, you know that?”

“Don’t compare me to him, Phil,” Techno complains, Dream mirroring his words with muffled protests of his own, and Phil breathes another drawn-out, long-suffering sigh as he rubs at the bridge of his nose.

“Niki, give us some fire res please?”

She finds the potion bottle between giggles, throwing it to the ground as she tries to choke down the laughter rapidly bubbling up her throat. “Of course, Phil.”

She looks back at Techno and Dream before jumping into the lava, the two of them once again lost in some sort of argument, Dream draped over Techno’s shoulder. He’s breathing easier now, she notes, and Techno looks looser too - a little less tense, leaning back with a perpetual quirk to the corner of his lip as they fire insults back and forth. This is familiar, she recognizes with a soft twist in her chest, the same way that Phil and Techno can finish each other’s sentences and look at each other with laughing eyes sharing the same memories of the past, the same way Ranboo watches Techno’s every step as he adjusts his stance and lifts his sword and Techno laughs and calls him a main character in turn, the same way she and Phil will settle together on the porch over cups of tea and sit at each other’s sides for hours. The rhythm between them is one well-established, the road well-worn - she imagines them, huddled in this dingy cell for months together, and breathes in slow and deep.

“Come on,” she smiles, making sure to keep it on her face when Dream meets her eyes with wide, startled ones of his own. Dream still isn’t an ally, and isn’t a friend.

But - she watches as he smiles back, something inexplicably warm in her chest - maybe, one day, he could be.

#tw torture #tw abuse #tw self harm #tw disordered eating #tw ed #tw sh #prison arc #pandora's vault #tw starvation #c!sam critical #c!quackity critical #my writing :D #> my writing

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b00ket · 3 years

Text

Its been a hot sec since ive done a just text post, so in an attempt to not feel pressure to post art every time I want to drop lore…

✨ Lucas is a dipshit and this is why people don’t like him ✨

Okay this is going to need some context but

Lucas’ presence makes people go on guard, they’re uncomfortable and awkward around him. Even if he is being extremely nice people who have lived there for more than even a year are nervous when he’s in the general area.

Occasionally some people feel threatened enough by his presence to try attacking him, sometimes he just takes it, other times he doesn’t. He’s still a very easy dude to set off.

He’s only been working his job at the docks for just a year. Trying to shake off his reputation has proven extremely difficult.

Family tidbits (this is relevant I swear)

His father, Bekarys Karimov, was well loved by the city, hosting soup kitchens on a regular basis and being known for giving away so much free food. His restaurant often doubled as a safe haven for criminals after dark. People generally knew him as the nice food guy with all those kids.

Lucas’ 2 aunts, Uuliinyagaansetseg and Sarnai Karimov,were constantly organizing and attending protests against Lucio’s rule and helped set up secret words to avoid Lucio’s spies around the city (particularly the marketplace). Most people did just think of them as gossipy and bringing guards to the streets. Also we’re annoying to talk to and had many rumors swirling around them.

Temujin Karimov, the eldest sibling, was entrenched in the Red Market. All sides of it, from the light selling of goods to the nastier side of it. He was a man of secrets and was considered more dangerous as time went on. Needed someone killed, got some nasty narcotics to transport? Hes your guy. Him and his gang of crime buddies are particularly responsible for almost all the bad connotations the Karimov name holds OUTSIDE of Lucas.

Okay actually onto Lucas:

So for the 1st 12ish years of his life Lucas was actually pretty well liked. The most shy out of all the Karimov kids and not known for being social he was a pretty blank slate. Most people mainly knew about him finding his sister in that canal, so pity was given to him. He definitely went more inward with himself as time went on, notably looking just distant most of the time.

The public execution of his aunts is when things started going downhill. Their execution was a big deal, and brought all those bad rumors and talk about them back into the city streets.

Lucas is a protective shit, ESPECIALLY with his family. Talk shit get hit as they say. Lucas walking the streets hearing you talk bad about any of his siblings is going to cause a fight.

That defensive fighting just kinda devolved into fighting all the time. He walked around with a “im going to beat your ass” vibe. Glaring at everyone and being generally disrespectful to anyone that isnt his family. (Lots of reasons behind him being like this that I dont have time to dive into)

So 15 is when his little brother died. This particular death broke the family a little and Lucas got the brunt of it (cause the family did agree it was his fault). Verbally and physically abused, kicked out for days at a time, he was homeless as often as he was at home.

By this point Lucas had been labeled the problem child, a walking bomb of anger that will steal your shit and beat your ass. (An exaggeration but rumors tend to do that) No one really wanting to help him when he was out of the house just made his anger worse.

He was fortunately liked by most orphans and acted as a occasional older brother. (He always had a prep bag at home full of food he snuck off in case he was kicked out, most of that food did go to those orphans)

He did get a small gang that, after Jargal’s death in the coliseum, went full ham in vandalizing Lucio’s shit around Vesuvia and messing up the Heart District.

So here’s the big thing, HE WAS A GLADIATOR. 4 years of being an executioner of MANY did not help his relationship with the people.

Thats cut and dry, he escapes and is under his Temujin’s care. And Temujin is shit and helping him, he hasnt even touched his own issues he cant help with whatever hes going on. Any tries he made just made things worse tbh.

Lucas during and after gladiator times is just mute. Temujin’s few attempts to just take him out into the public backfired hard enough for him to just keep Lucas at home and only take him out when he’s doing his job with his gang.

Last family members DIE, Lucas is torn up and is puppetted by Temujin’s old friends into being the muscle for them when they went out to gamble.

So in conclusion

Lucas hasn’t been an active threat on the streets for around a year. His name is synonymous with danger and people react accordingly.

He tries to be nice and kind, not to notice the looks and mood shifts when he enters a room but its hard.

The docks and ash beach are the only places he doesn’t feel completely ostracized. The orphans are mostly too young to feel in danger around him. Plus he brings them food.

He doesn’t want to get in the way or make people uncomfortable. Only shopping either late at night or early morning. He takes back alleys to limit interactions.

It doesn’t always work, some dude attacks him out of fear or anger at the things he’s done. Not sure if he should just be passive and take the beating or letting his anger get the best of him is a battle.

#lucas karimov #its angst hours baby

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with-the-same-tattoos · 3 years

Note

I love that you are so willing to take constructive criticism and reflect on your art, I really do, but these anons come off so aggressive sometimes...?

Like DUH, I know it's not directed at me, and I know this is totally on me, but if I got anons like these I'd think they were kinda rude? It's not even that they're blunt, like I'm blunt as fuck, but there's something about the way they're worded that makes it come off less as constructive criticism and more like annoyed complaints.

Again, I know that's just me, you handle it a lot better than I ever could, but even bluntness could have more tact? Idk where I'm going with this lol

Sorry for bitching in your inbox, it's so stupid I know, but I can't help but feel irritated on your behalf sometimes, especially with this rash of really weird/rude anons this part of the slasher fandom has been getting lately.

Ahhh I totally understand what you mean BUT Please don't worry, I'm completely fine w it!!! ; v ; ive talked abt this before so I won't talk too much on it, but I just happen 2 be a person who really apprechiates bluntness /sternness/directness, and i really apprechiate when people air out their annoyances w me n stuff !!! Im just human, I have flaws, and I'd love to see what of them I can help to make peoples days better.

Stern tone can kinda be hurtful to me sometimes since I am kinda sensitive, but its more important for me at this point in my life 2 be a better person than to protect my feelings 🙏

Its not stupid tho!!! You just care and mind other people and worry for them, and thar is very admirable in a person. These things don't cancel eachothers validity, I hope I can SOMEWHAT expressbthat??? Dunno. Im not v good w words. Anyways, I don't think anon was annoyed, just presenting an idea!!!

Btw, there r some extra reasons why some people might message in a more deadpan way that comes off as weird. This doesn't mean that messages can't just be mean to be mean- those ABSOLU5ELY exist too, but if yall ever get a message that feels just a lil off, please for ur own mental health remember that it might just be a misunderstanding :')

Anons trying to kinda blank out their usual typing habits & make their writing less recognizable

The person is not a native english speaker- im not either, and tone was one of the HARDESt things to learn since you need like a lifelong context for some words meanings & vibes (i have been learning english for almost 10 years now and i still struggle w tone sometimes!!!)

Non native english speaker who texts more within their own language- text language habits can be incredibly different in different areas. Use of (or lack of use of) emojis, messy spelling or not, any l33t used, terminology, etc.

Just people in general who struggle w tone !!! It can have so many reasons.

I am not expressing that people shouldn't defend the space where they are comfy, but I also believe there just r a lot of mutual misunderstandings in this world that could be avoided if we try to assume positivity!!! Even then, usually, if someone who is in a bad mood gets a positive message treating them kindly, they might feel a bit better and feel a bit bad for being unpleasant, if that was their intent, and you might be able to make a friend and help that friend feel a lil better :)

#ask #anonymous

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edsbev · 5 years

Note

Ok now we have how they both realized their feelings mayyyybeeeee how they told eachother?????????

it takes a little while. theyre a little bit older. have both come to terms with the fact that they might just have to pine forever.

and its richie who finally cracks. bc of course it is. hes been pining for longer. he has trouble keeping his mouth shut. honestly its a miracle he managed to keep his feelings a secret for this long.

its a saturday night and theyre sitting in an empty parking lot in richies truck, eating fast food. and a lot of things have happened recently.

one - eddie has taken up baseball at school, and his skin has bronzed from how much time he spends out in the sun training. his thighs are toned and his arms have filled out. and its become ridiculously hard not to stare.

two - bev and ben have started dating. and being around their in-love, coupley gooeyness has only made richie want eddie even more. he’ll watch bev and ben cuddle on the couch during their movie nights, kiss each other hello and goodbye when theyre hanging out, and his brain will immediately go to: what if that was me and eddie.

and three - the combination of those two things have made being around eddie so hard that richie has been actively avoiding him. he barely turns up to the losers hang outs anymore, he cancelled the last two catch-ups he and eddie had planned. and, while they can, thankfully, just chalk it up to them being older, being busier, richie knows that eddie has started to notice, and he doesnt want eddie to think that hes avoiding him bc he hates him.

so richie has come to conclusion that he needs to tell him. the truth.

“this shit is so disgusting,” eddie says, shovelling fries into his mouth. the whole trucks smells of them. hot, stuffy, salty. “i can already feel the grease clogging up my fucking arteries.”

“yet you keep eating them,” richie says. he adds, “idiot” because he knows he’s being soft. he knows he’s looking at eddie with that stupid, dopey smile he gets whenever eddie is being cute.

its just. eddie is cute. his hair curling around his ears, shovelling fries into his mouth with a sort of pinched, irritated look on his face, like the fries have personally insulted him. hes so fucking cute and there’s been a hundred other moments just like this. where richie will watch him, and his heart will swell up like a balloon, and he’ll almost say it. eddie, i like you. i like you so fucking much, eddie. i want to kiss you so badly.

so he’s gonna do it right now. just get it out there. it doesnt matter if eddie doesnt feel the same way, he just needs him to know.

richie wipes his palms on his jeans, taps his fingers against the steering wheel, breathes in, out. shaky. nervous. and then he finally says, “eddie.”

“mmm?” eddie mumbles, poking through their takeout bag.

“i…” god, richie wants to throw up. he swallows. “i just thought that i should…explain. why i’ve been so weird lately.”

eddie glances up from the bag, quirks an eyebrow at him. “you’re always weird,” he says.

“yeah, youre right,” richie laughs, a breathy, nervous laugh. “i mean why i’ve been weirder than usual recently.”

and eddie seems to realise what richies talking abt, seems to pick up on richies anxious energy, bc he shrinks a little into the seat.

“i just…dont want you to think that i havent been around recently bc ive been avoiding you,” richie starts. and it just kinda all tumbles out of him, messy. “well, actually, i have been avoiding you. but it hasnt been for, like, a bad reason. like i dont hate you or whatever. i, um.” he works his thumb against the steering wheel, clears his throat, glances hesitantly at eddie. “i like you.”

eddie doesnt say anything. he looks very small against the seat.

“as in…i like like you,” richie continues, bc now he cant shut up. “like how bev and ben like each other - ugh, whatever you get it, im being stupid. but it just…makes it hard to be around you sometimes.”

the still, quiet expression on eddies face is impossible to read. richie is so antsy he swears he’s going to explode.

“so. yeah. i just thought i’d tell you. i’m really not trying to make things weird or anything. and you don’t have to say anything back. i just didnt want you to think that i hate you, or whatever.”

eddie still doesnt say anything. a car pulls up a few spaces away, turns half the parking lot gold with its headlights before it shuts off, plunging it back to black. richie drums his fingers skittishly against the steering wheel.

“ok i need you to say something, eddie,” richie says finally, after what feels like a decade, “i’m going crazy over here.”

eddie blinks, and even in the shadowy-dark, richie swears he can see eddies face go red. “i…dont know what to say.”

richie feels like he’s going to be sick. “just, uh, that you dont hate me and still wanna be a my friend would be nice,” he says, tries to play that off as a joke.

“i dont hate you,” eddie says. and at least that sounds sincere.

“well, thats a relief,” richie says. it looks like eddie is about to say more, but he doesnt. a crease forming in his brow, lips pursed and pushed up toward his cheek, as though he’s contemplating something.

“ok. uh. lets just talk abt something else then, eh?” richie says, awkward. “pass me some of those fries.”

but eddie doesnt. the little crease in his brow just deepens. and then eddie is shoving away the fastfood and kneeling up on the truck’s bench seat.

richie startles, watches with wide eyes as eddie shuffles closer to him. places one hand on richies shoulder, reaches over with the other to cup richies jaw and turn his head to face him. looking very determined.

“i…” richies whole face is burning, his throat tight. “what are you doing?”

“im going to kiss you,” eddie says, very matter of fact.

richie tries to say something, but all that comes out is a broken, strangled sound.

“is that okay?” eddie asks.

“uh yes. yep. fucking. yes.” eddies face is so close. his lips are so close. slightly parted, look so plump and soft and kissable. its a surprise richie manages to have a single coherent thought, but he gets out: “im just very confused.”

“i like you too, okay? i just didnt know how to say it.” eddie’s voice threatens to speed up in that way it does when he’s nervous. but he breathes in, swallows it down. and says, much gentler, “so i… thought i’d show you.” and as he says that, his cheeks go red and his gaze drops to richies own mouth, and richie just about passes out.

“okay,” richie breathes. okokokokokokokokok

eddie hesitates. they are paused, staring at each other’s lips. then eddie lifts his hands from richies shoulder to cup richies face with both hands.

and he swoops in and kisses him.

but eddie pulls away quickly, like he’s still a little unsure, anxious eyes flitting between richies. but richie just says, dazed, “kiss me again” and eddie cant say no to that. so he does.

its a kiss thats soft for all of five seconds. theyve both wanted this so badly for so long. richie wraps his arms around eddies waist, eddie wraps his arms around richies shoulders. richie deepens the kiss, pushing up against eddie so much that eddie begins to lean backwards. eddie lets him, bringing richie even closer.

when they pull away for air, they leave only a breath between their mouths. lips brushing as their chests heave. eddie looks down at richie with lowered eyelids and it drives richie crazy.

“you like me,” richie breathes.

he can feel eddies smile against his own his mouth. “you like me,” eddie says.

“a whole fucking lot, yeah,” richie says, and then dives in to kiss him again.

they make out for ages in richies truck. and they’ll talk abt all that feeling stuff later. how long they’ve liked each other, when it started, what this means for them, where they stand now. and they do. but right now literally all they care abt is richies hands on eddies ass, and eddies hands in richies hair.

#Anonymous #reddie #reddie headcanon #ask #mine #my writing #this be dumb

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spaceysp · 4 years

Note

Saying random stuff to feed into the hyperfixations; pick one of these statements to rant about because I wanna read :)) if u want,

How skeppy must feel with everyone meeting up cause BaD JUST COME ON ,

Opinions on bad planning to take skeppy to dinner and all that jazz ,

Skeppys newest video on the skep channel where bad and skeppy are surprisingly sweet to eachother (and how lately in general bad has been less angee with him) ,

Literally the whole discount skeppy situation , bad being literally in love,

Ride with U,,,,,hetero,,,,explanation,,,, anywhere?

ANONNNNN I OWE YOU MY LIFE ILY

im literally going to talk about all of these so im sorry but read more at your own risk

one: skeppy, i am so sorry a mf does this to you. but seriously, i can only think of a few reasons (that dont sound entirely made for fanfic) that bad keeps putting off meeting skeppy

1. (the most unlikely) theyve already met and they keep the bit going so the fans dont find out. i can get that they wouldnt want to tell at first because its their own business, but i seriously doubt they would wait very long to confirm it, because ppl honestly can put a lot of pressure and hype on the meetup (esp with skeppy’s “surprise”) so i think theyd release something just so everyone knew that it finally happened! they didnt lie!

2. bad just doesnt want to meet skeppy (actually nvm this is the most unlikely)

bad seems to be genuinely excited to meet skeppy, even claiming skeppys the one to keep putting it off, not him (which skeppy immediately disproved but) and saying over and over he wants to meet up with him, but always avoiding actually making plans (every single tweet about the meetup) so its clear he does want to meet skeppy eventually, which makes trying to figure out why he wont even harder

3. its not the right time/ waiting for a specific date

leading up to this, i was thinking that there was a pretty good chance theyd meet up on their anniversary, but that never happened rip. the issue is with this is that they guaranteed they would meet up before the end of the year, and at this point theres only one ��event” left, but they still dont seem to have any plans to meet. if bad was waiting for the perfect time to do it, why not just tell skeppy to confirm a meetup date? it would get him (and maybe the fans, if they told them) off his back. another variant of this is that there is a set date, but they havent told the public, but again, skeppy seems to be just as much in the dark about this as everyone else

4. health issues

bads apparently been feeling pretty under the weather lately, with his arm and kidney stones, its very plausible (and reccomended, imo) that bad doesnt want to travel when hes having these problems. of course, skeppy could visit, but he could either not want to spend their time together sick or the plans they have could also be too straining. i think this is probably one of the most likely atm, go see a doctor bbh im begging you

5. bads nervous

this is also one of the more plausible to me. for whatever reason, bads just anxious about it, whether it wont be the same as talking online, or be super awkward or whatever, he could just keep putting it off for that (its still weird and kinda doesnt make sense but in a more realistic way this time)

i know i totally went off track but this brings me to my point, skeppys kinda just waiting for bads confirmation at this point, so seeing his friends have fun meeting up is probably just lowkey depressing and i could see him using it as more the reason they should meet up. really the only thing he can do in this situation(at least, as far as i can tell) is what he has been doing, annoy bad about it or he take advantage of bads jealousy and meet up with someone else. the other option is to randomly come to his house, but it doesnt seem like skeppy is gonna do that, maybe to respect his boundaries? if he was planning on it i think he wouldve done it by now

OKAY NUMBER TWO LETS GO

this kinda ties into my point in the “reasons why bad wont meet skeppy” thing, that bad seems really excited to meet him yet still wont?? its clear he really values any time spent with skeppy, but he also make sure skeppys having a good time too! that why he never does any actual work with skeppy around (i.e. building statues or gathering materials for such), he knows its boring so instead theyll wander around the server telling stupid stories or punching each other off stairs for 20 minutes. im sure itll be the same irl, he mentioned wanting to meet somewhere like a nature reserve or amusement park, probably to make sure theres never a dull moment or time wasted. dinner seems much more low-key, and i wouldnt be surprised if bad just wanted to have an excuse to try and impress him with a nice totally-platonic date

NUMbeR tHree *airhorns*

they really do be the best of friends! ive noticed that skeppys def been trying to halt arguments fairly quickly now, saying a lot to appease bad and move on, and while bad seems to like to start fights for fun, hes also been a lot more chill lately, im guessing because hes been oh-so desperately missing skeppy and big s was also in Baby mode (aka if bad disagreed with him hed probably just cry until he got his way((sand))) i think that vid just showed them being a lot more natural and happy to talk (plus bad usually is more argumentative when theyre competing, while in that vid they were either just hanging out or working towards a common goal)

n u m b e r f o u r

where to even BEGIN with discount skeppy. well, bad actually first came up this idea a few months ago, in either july or august on an idots smp stream when he crafted an ‘artificial skeppy’ in his snack shack that he could talk to whenever skeppy was gone. as we all know idots smp is now rip, but the idea of replacement skeppys remained, just this time they can talk and also ship skephalo. it actually seemed like more of puffys idea at first when she put on skeppys skin as a joke, which bad didnt like the first few times, but when she brought it up again he actually requested it (missing skeppy brainrot 🤔?) this could be either cuz bad wanted to bait some shippers so gave in or he thought it was a pretty funny bit so went along with it (or he actually missed skeppy that much.. surely not ??) either way i think we can agree puffy is not only a comedic genius but a top tier friend and slight wingman, and getting some good jealous skeppy content out of it is also top tier. in conclusion, love and appreciate discount skeppy, badboyhalo has only skeppy on his brain and his friends have to deal with that, hoes (skeppy) mad even though the whole bit is how much bbh is into him

NUMBER FIVE im really doing all of them

What, can be said, about ride with u. GODDAMN. im not tryna insinuate anything, but if someone told me that song reminded them of me i would have no choice but to marry them immediately. i really really want someone to ask bad what songs remind him of any of his other friends (dream, sapnap, george, ant, puffy, etc.) because there are three options

1. theyre just cool platonic friend songs and bad is just in love with skeppy

2. he cant think of any songs for them and bad is just In Love with skeppy

3. they have equal romantic undertones and bad is just Like That with his friends (even so i bet people would be picking out the most minute differences between the songs that make one more.. You Know than the other)

i know FOR SURe that if i was in bads position (where even the person who made the lyric video assumed they were gay in love) i wouldve curled into a ball and never made another public appearance again, but he really owned that shit, singing it and making unprompted references to it (”i already have a bonnie” YOU AINT SLICK SIR WTF)

i just wanna know if skeppys listened to it (i mean, hes surely at least heard of it, i know he wouldve seen it all over his timeline) and what he thonks about it. pls tell us big s do you also feel the love in this chilis tonight (ALSO when is someone gonna ask skeppy what song reminds him of bad. im waiting ((hed probably say something like a faster remix or something equally memey (((unless???)))

ANYWAY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU READ ALL OF THAT HOLY SHIT i dont wanna reread this to check for errors so it might be incoherent but again ty for letting me infodump about this it was super fun im in love with you anon

#tw caps

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parkersvibes · 5 years

Text

finding out peter is spiderman

read part one here

a/n: omg guys. i got so much feedback from you all on part one so i decided to make a part 2. and yeahh i really hope you guys enjoy. if you do lmk and i’ll do a part 3 (:

(i also apologize if the read more doesnt work )))): )

warnings: fluff, a smidge on angst

pt 2. peter parker x stark!reader

• figuring out he was spiderman

• alright you’re a stark

• but no one knows that

• but you’re really intuitive

• so there were little things you started to notice

• after uncle ben died there was some weird shit (if you want a part ab comforting peter ab uncle ben lemme know. he deserves his own part)

• like how he stopped wearing his adorable glasses

•and i guess started almost bulking up????

• he got WAY taller

• and usually you’re used to seeing him shirtless but this one time you walked in on him

• holy mother of god

• IT WAS LIKE HE GREW ABS OVER NIGHT

• BECAUSE FRESHMAN PETE DID NOT HAVE A 6 PACK

• freshman peter also got winded walking up the stairs

• AND NOW HE’S RUNNING LAPS IN GYM LIKE ITS NOTHING ??

• must be nice

• but then things got more sus

• all of a sudden he was skipping class more

• leaving early

• cancelling study sessions and skipping movie nights with ned

• and you and ned were clueless

• you and ned started hanging out more

• MR. LEEDS IS HILARIOUS LEMME TELL YOU

• he was like this little ball of happiness

• you found out his real name is Edward

• HOW CUTE

• and WOW HIS MOM BEING FILIPINA MEANT THAT YOU WERE BEING FED ALL THE TIME OH MY GOD

• ngl pete got a bit jealous

• one night,,, when pete cancelled YET AGAIN

• ned asked you, “hey y/n?”

• “hm”

• “why don’t we ever hang out at your place”

• “i told you ned, my family is just a lot yanno. plus your family and may are really cool”

• “okay but how come you don’t have any social media under your name?”

• “wdym?”

• “like you go by ‘y/n Smith’ but everything that pops up on the internet isn’t YOU”

• “pfff i told you,,, i dont believe in that stuff”

• “y/n, you know you can tell me anything”

• you wanted to be honest. this was one of your best friends. and you’ve been lying to them about your family for over a year now

• “ned i just. it’s complicated”

• “like peter’s family?”

• “nonono, i’m lucky to have both of my parents- well i have a step mom. my real mom wanted nothing to do with me. so she left me on the steps of my dads house. never came back”

• “oh shit bro, i’m sorry”

• “nah don’t worry. my dad is really cool and my step mom... she’s awesome.”

• “what’re their names”

• NATASHA WAS GONNA KILL YOU IF SHE COULD SEE HOW BAD YOU WERE STRUGGLING

• “well- uh- my step moms name is,,, um. well her real name is Virginia”

• THE WORLD KNEW PEPPER AS PEPPER NOT VIRGINIA

• “and my- my dads name is ehm... st, steve???”

• natasha was gonna have your ass

• “y/n,,,”

• “yeah”

• “you’re a horrible liar”

• “PFFF WHAAAT? NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT”

• “dude you left your spiderman fan tumblr open on my laptop that one night,,, and i MAY have done some snooping”

• okay you mightve had a slight obsession with the webslinger. HE WAS COOL. and what better way to keep track of him without alerting your family,,, good ol tumblr

• oh god ned, HOW MUCH SNOOPING”

• “enough to know that you have a weird obsession with that spider guy and that your last name isnt smith”

• so you told him the truth. you were a stark

• and well,,, he reacted with

• “okay cmon,,, don’t lie”

• so you showed him your late night dance parties with Nat when she was feeling goofy

• and your random snaps of steve when he was trying to figure out how to work technology

• videos of you reacting to vines with bucky

(if yall wanna see domestic life with the avengers just lmk)

• which usually results with THE WINTER SOLDIER ALMOST PEEING HIS PANTS. and trying to reenact it with sam or the other avengers

• “heyheyehy y/n guess what?”

• “what bucky?” *is in the middle of doing hw*

• “FRESHOVACADO” *bolts out of the room before you throw something at him*

• only the two of you getting vine and meme references

• (meaning getting in trouble during meetings bc you’ll make eye contact and start laughing)

• OH HIS FAVORITE IS THE “country boiiii, i love you,,, 😛”

• anywaayyy

• ned was SHOOK

• “nowayohmygodyoureanavenger”

• “no ned,,, only when they need me to be”

• *led to him asking 100000 questions*

• “does Mr. America smell like old man”

• “what language does Ms. Widow think in”

• “how many shirts does Mr. Hulk own”

• “so do they wear normal clothes or are they always PREPARED”

• “does your dad have to walk a weird way when hes in his suit”

• “do they ever chafe in their suits”

• “yes ned. we’re stocked up on baby powder”

• which you didnt mind bc it felt nice telling the truth

• ned WANTED TO TELL PETER SO BAD

• “ned no, i don’t want him to think of me differently”

• he understood. but still defended peter and said that hed still treat you the same

• anyway,,, peter started showing up with bruises and stuff which had you v concerned

• “pete what’s up? you’ve been avoiding ned and i and you have skipped out on every movie night since sophomore year started”

• “t’s nothing. dont worry ab it”

• “peter cmon, it’s just me”

• you figured maybe it had to do with ben??? but you gave him his space. you just wanted to be there for him yanno. you didnt want him to shut you out

• “Y/N I SAID ITS NOTHING. FOR FUCKS SAKE CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE???” he snapped (and not in the good way)

• and this was on your way to class so the whole hallway heard

• ouch

• so you left him alone. probably more than he meant. but it hurt

• i mean he was your first friend here, and now he yelled at you to leave you alone

• ned felt awful at first. trying to comfort you and tell you it wasnt your fault

• but then he started acting weird. whenever you brought up peter hed be super antsy about it

• you- “i think he got into another fight or something”

• ned- “pFFT PETER? FIGHTING? no way,,, i got-i gotta go”

• so you figured that whatever peter was hiding, ned knew about,, which also hurt your feelings

• so you closed off

• and wow could the super family tell something was wrong

• wanda- “little stark, i can feel your sadness all the way to my room”

• sam/bucky/rhodes- “okay what’s the deal, we’ve played 5 rounds of fortnite and you havent once rage quit even though you’re doing terrible”

• tony- “kid, what’s wrong? everyone here can tell you’re not feeling great”

• nat- “cmon. ive given you 3 opportunities to kick my ass and you havent once complained about me going easy?”

• thor- “lady y/n what is causing you distress? not once have you smiled, i even wore my hair in pigtails,,, and that seems to always do the trick”

• and you gave the same response every time “‘m just tired” “lots of homework”

• they noticed you werent going out on weekends anymore

• so tony figured that your friend group and you were having some Stuff

• pep gave him an idea of meeting his new prodigy

• now tony knew it’d be kinda sus because peter went to midtown but he figured that if the kid kept his mask on it’d be fine

• “dad i don’t wanna see another one of your weird maid robots”

• “wha- no i want you to meet someone”

• “dad college isn’t for another 2 years. if it’s your friend from MIT-“

• then right before your eyes was the insect boy that youve been admiring through the internet

• needless to say

• your jaw dripped

• “y/n meet spiderling, spiderling meet my daughter y/n stark”

• *seconds pass*

• “i uh- oH- um- sp-spidERman, h-hi. biG fan of you- your work”

• *silence*

• you- “oH dad diD you hear th-that? moM is calling mE”

• tony- “what?? pep wouldve called on the interco-“

• spiderman- “y/n”

• you- SHOOK TO THE CORE BECAUSE YOU KNEW THAT VOICE. THAT WAS THE VOICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE HONEY BUT COULD CUT YOU DEEPER THAN ANY WEAPON IN YOUR HOUSE

• you- “p-peter???”

• tony- *shocked pikachu face* “you know each other???”

• you- “so-something like that yeah”

• peter takes off his mask

• “ohmygodpeterisspiderman”

• “ohmygodyourlastnameisntsmith”

• tony- “im gonna let you guys figure this out” *walks backward slowly*

*insert silence*

• you- “so this is what you were hiding, huh?” with a cold tone

• “IM HIDING? YOU LIED ABOUT YOUR WHOLE HOME LIFE TO NED AND I”

• *yelling at each other for another minute. even though you couldnt hear what the other is saying*

• you- *yelling loudest “I DIDNT WANT YOU TO SEE ME DIFFERENTLY OKAY”

• peter- “you really thought id do that?” (heartbreaking voice)

• you- “i- once i got to know you, i knew you wouldnt but i was scared. i didn’t know how to tell you. for once in my life i had found someone my age who liked ME for ME. not for my name or money or my dad. and i didn’t want to change that. i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner”

• peter- “... i get what you mean. after ben died everyone gave me that look. except you and ned.”

• you- “why didn’t you tell me”

• peter- “everyone i love or ever cared about dies. my parents and then my uncle ben. so once i got my abilities i knew that the risk was even higher and i didn’t want to put you in that position. i wanted to keep you safe. but it seems like you know how to handle yourself” (referring to the fact that you grew up with THE EARTHS MIGHTIEST HEROS)

• y/n- “so how come ned found out?”

• peter *scratches back of neck* “well- he- i- May let him in my room and i happen to be crawling on the ceiling in my suit and he dropped the death star” *head hangs in shame*

• you had to giggle at that i mean CMON

• you stepped closer to him

• “pete you’re my best friend. you can tell me anything okay?”

• “no more secrets?”

• “no more secrets”

• and you both pinky promise and your thumbs “kiss” bc IF THEY ITS THE ULTIMATE UNBREAKABLE VOW DONT @ ME

• peter parker gives you the biggest hug that maKES YOUR HEART JUMP BC PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH A PERSON AS PRETTY AS HIM MAKES YOUR HEART FEEL A CERTAIN WAY

• but you wrapped your arms around his neck and enjoyed the moment

• wow he is really cozy

• * the avengers are watching from the cameras in awe*

• led to MANY questions at dinner

• and so everything went back to “normal”

• it wasn’t until you went to bed that night that you realized peter said the L word

• WHAT

• so much for no secrets

taglist: @silver-winter-wolf @emmmmszy @everythingaboutnothingsstuff @rexorangecouny @wishiwasanavenger @marjoherbo @nologinisoksothatsit @mindset-jupiter @hpnjrph @soup238

some favs/mutrals: @h-osterfield @starksparker @stuckonspidey @sunshinehollandd @keepingupwiththeparkers @hey-marlie @spyder-bites

267 notes · View notes

reeree1500 · 5 years

Text

The Return- Part 10

Disclaimer: YALL IM SO SO SO SORRY.😭😭 I have been horrible and not updated this story for at least a month.😬 I can explain though... University has been kicking my ass and between that and my co-op placement at a law firm.😅 Ive had absolutely no time to do anything😩 BTW IVE MISSED YALL SO MUCH❤️And Ive read all your messages and asks. And yes my mental health is now better and y'all are so understanding and supportive 💕 honestly could not have asked for a better group of individuals☺️❤️

Part 1 part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 part 8 part 9 Part 11

Anyways onto the storyyyyy.....

Warnings: ANGSTY AF (kinda figured out that im probably a smut and angst writer at this point🤷🏽‍♀️), sucky ass grammar and spelling like always, my cliche imagination and the fact that Im probably a horrible human being😬😩 Also made it extra long cuz I felt baddd

PLEASE DONT KILL ME FOR THIS ONE😬

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @affection-rabbit @amy8220 @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 @ivarthethiccness

Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Arthur’s POV

“Arthur please! Open the door my love, I know what it may seem like to you, but I assure you that its not.” (Y/n) pleaded from the other side. I sat down on the mattress in our chamber contemplating whether or not it was true. Should I believe what my wife so desperately is trying to reassure me off. Or should I stick with my gut feeling and tell her how I have felt for the last 4 years. Her constant pounding on the door finally gets to me and I make my way to open it. “I wish to be left alone at the moment (y/n).” Her arms circle around my waist and I can feel her face wetting by back with tears. “Arthur please, talk to me. Why have you run off. You know that I love you. I do not want him, all he does is bring me pain and you take that away. So please, talk to me!” (y/n) murmurs into my back. As much as it pains me to do so I pry her hands off of me and sit us down on the bed. All I do is long for her touch, but this is not okay. I cannot keep feeling this way and go on pretending that I could have ever stood a chance against him. “(y/n), look at me. I love you and I always will. But its evident that you love him. and I honestly can say that I know I will never stand a chance against him, because the thought of you possibly running back to him has always been on my mind since the day we got married.”

Her eyes showed so much pain that confessing this felt as if I was driving a knife through her heart. “Arthur, I love you. What can I do to show you that. Yes I confess that I was in love with him, but that was long ago and I have left it in the past in order to build a future with you. Whom I love and who I share and will continue to share beautiful children with. So please don't shut me out, Arthur.” She says leaning our foreheads together and holding my face in her gentle hands. “Ok, however I want to be able to process things by myself. So I have decided to have the guest room across the hall prepared only until I figure things out.” With out giving her a chance to fight back, I place my lips on hers and savour the kiss as if it were our last. Meeting her eyes was something I wanted to avoid as I knew that just looking at her broken expression would make me change my mind. I hastily make my way out of the room, but sneak a quick glance over my shoulder to find my wife staring off into the direction where I once sat. With tears streaming down her eyes...

Your POV

What had I done? Why was I such fool to not see what my husband was clearly going through? Millions of questions rushed into my mind about how to go about this situation. I loved Arthur, I was clear on that. But he spoke the truth, there was something in me that could not let Ivar go and it took hurting my husband and Ivar to figure that out. As I sulked I forgot about the doctor whom I had asked to see me earlier. I was having really bad stomach pains and my breasts were more tender then they had ever been. So I wanted to make sure that I was not sick, as that would have been the last thing I needed on my plate at the moment. “My Queen, are you alright? Do you wish to push back this appointment, I dont mind coming by later when you're better.” The doctor spoke from behind me. “Yes, it seems so. Ill let the servant girl know if I need you doctor. Im sorry for the inconvenience.” “Nonsense your majesty, it is my pleasure to serve you.” With a bow the doctor retreats from the room and Im left to my own thoughts once again...

----------------------------------

“(y/n), wake up... its seems that you fell asleep on the floor. Come on I’ll help you up.” Upon hearing Hvitty’s comforting voice my eyes flutter open and I cant help the tears that song come down my face like a cascade. “(y/n)! are you alright are you hurt anywhere? Why are you crying?” Hvitserk’s eyes scan my face and my body looking for the source of my pain, which is held in my heart, but he’ll never know that. “Arthur... He...” I try to find the words to say. “What! What did he do! Did he hurt you? I swear ill kill him!” With that Hvitserk tries to let me go and run out the door, but somehow I manage to stop him. “Hvitserk, No! He didn't hurt me. I hurt him... He believes that Im in love with Ivar, and I fear that their maybe some truth to it...” I say just above a whisper, with my head held low. “(Y/N), Ive known that since before you were married. It was obvious, but I would never say anything to you because I found that it was best if I kept such observations to myself, before I found out about your father.” Lifting my head and staring directly at him, I move my head to the side with a puzzling look. “What do you mean about my father, Hvitserk?” Hvitserk now mirrors the same lost look that I have on my face. “I thought thats why you and Ivar had gotten together, because Ragnar’s not your father...”

----------------------------------------------

Ivar’s POV

“Aghhhh!”Is the sound that comes out of my gritted teeth when the medicinal herbs are placed on my face. “That hurts like a bitch, get out! Ill do this myself if I have to. GO!” I yell at the servant girl who tried to cleanse and tend to the cuts on my face. “Ivar, please let the servants tend to you. I still cannot believe that Arthur punched you in the face. Hehehe, you deserved it though, how could you question the paternity of his children and not expect him to want to kill you?” Bjorn laughs as he chugs the rest of his drink down. “Well, if you actually cared about your children and the heir to your throne, you’d also be quite upset to find a Christian King claiming to be their father. Those children are mine! And its pretty evident, just look at Marjorie. She's my spitting image.” I snarl at him as the anger begins to rise in me again. “Ivar, thats your mistake and why you’ll never get (y/n) back. You believe that everything should be yours. And that people are things you can govern over, but they're not. Because those are children. And yes they may be yours, but you cannot take away what they have known because you want to be selfish.” He says with a stern look on his face, whilst getting up from his chair and making his way to the door. “Now get ready and fix yourself we have a intimate dinner to attend to with MY sister and the love of your life.” Unbeknownst to us, there was Freydis on the balcony listening to our whole conversation. And little did I know that it would come to be the thing I regretted the most.

At the dinner I notice (y/n) sit on the opposite side of the table from Arthur. This wouldn't have affected me if it wasn't for the look on both of their faces. They seemed distraught and broken. Arthur masked it well, but (y/n) was an open book for all of us to know exactly how she felt at that moment. Not much talking happened, besides Marjorie and Erik shouting at each other on who was better at riding. They reminded me a lot of myself and all I wanted was to tell them the truth, that they were my children and that they would go back to Kattegat with me to learn about the true gods and not the fable that had been told to them about their so called ‘God’.” “(Y/n) are you alright, you do not seem quite like yourself tonight.” Bjorn states with a concerned look that we all share. Even Arthur looks a bit concerned, but his body language makes it seem as if he is alright and nothing is wrong. “Sarah, could you please put Marjorie and Erik to bed? Its getting late for them and they have their lessons early in the morning.” She says with a stern and cold look in her (e/c) eyes. “Su...sure your majesty. “ At that Bjorn stands up as if to accompany Sarah, but is quickly stopped by (y/n)’s icy glare and venomous words. “Sit your ass down.” At that we all look astonished, but Hvitserk only stares at her with sadness and what seems to be sympathy. He must know why she is like this then.

Bjorn slowly sits back down on the table. A shocked look graces his face, as he cannot comprehend why she is acting this way towards her beloved older brother. “How long.” Is all she grits out through her teeth. “What do you mean, (y/n)?” My eyes meet Hvitserk’s own and the realization dawns upon me. She knows...

--------------------------

Your POV

“Stop with the bullshit! I cannot take anyone else lying to me!” I scream as I bang my hands against the table, stunning everyone in sight. “How long did you know that Ragnar was not my father! How long have you kept the truth from me! How long have you known that Athelstan was my father!” I could careless about everyone staring at me as if I was a mad woman. I had been lied to my whole life. All I had known had been a lie, and the people who I trusted the most in this world had been the ones keeping it a secret from me. “(Y/N)... I..I’ve know since the moment you were born. But father had sworn me into secrecy and I could not break a promise. This doesn't change anything though. You are still my sister and you will always be.” Bjorn says in a haste as tries to come closer to me, but I step back and move as far back as I can. “Did you know? Tell me! Ivar did you know that we were not siblings!” Ivar didn't even have to answer. I knew from the look in his eyes that he too had been lying to me.

“I knew.” Arthur says staring right at me. “I knew that you weren't his daughter and I knew that Ivar wasn't your brother. But I kept that information from you because all I wanted to do was have you by my side. I’m sorry, for the pain I have caused you (y/n). Im sorry for being selfish and not telling you the truth, but I now see that I was wrong and as of tomorrow you are free to go back to your country. I promise that your title and lands will not be taken from you or from the children. May they be mine or his. But I cannot go on with this facade anymore.” Arthur says in the most calm demeanour as he stands up and comes to me. “You hypocrite! How dare you make me feel like shit for harbouring feelings for Ivar when you knew all along and knew that my whole life was a lie.” I scream as I run at him and slap him across the face. But before I can get another punch in I feel a strong grip holding me from behind. From the shocks and the utter feeling in my stomach I knew it could have only been Ivar. As I try desperately to release from his vice grip, my whole world comes crashing down when Sarah enters the room. With blood all over her.

“Your highnesses...Erik.... he.. he..” She tries to say through her shock. “What! What is wrong with my son!” Ivar, Arthur and I scream at the same time. “He.. he’s dying!”

------------------------------------------------

We all simultaneously run after Sarah towards the doctors quarters. Ivar with his brace on, manages to run faster than all of us and busts the doors wide open. if I wasn't so worried about my son or upset about the fact they all knew Ragnar wasn't my father, I would've been impressed. “What are you doing! Get away from my son!” At that Ivar rushes towards the doctor who is bleeding Erik out. Grabbing him by the collar he slams the doctor on the wall and his sclera go into bluish hue, showing that he is in danger of breaking a bone. “Ivar stop it! Let the man go, he is just trying to help.” “Help my ass! I will not let you harm my son, do you understand me! I will not let you harm him!” At that Ivar lets the doctor go, but not without staring him down. And the doctor looking like he is about to shit himself. Rushing to Erik’s side I notice something strange. The colour of his skin is now fading and his eyes have bags under them. But what hits me the most is the memory of Uncle Rollo teaching me about poison. “He doesn't need to be bled, he needs medicine. He’s been poisoned...”

“Mama! What is wrong with Erik! He will be okay right? He has to be okay!” Marjorie begins to say as she shakes with fear. Before Arthur or I could say something to console her, Ivar bends down and takes her hands in his. “Marjorie, listen to me. Your brother is a fighter and so are you. After all were related aren't we?” Ivar says as he lifts her chin. “Yes..I suppose that we are. Is it true what they say though? Are you our father?” At that Ivar turns to me looking towards me for permission. At this point I think to myself how hard it was to learn my whole life had been a lie and that I would not want that for my children, so I nod. “Yes, Marjorie I am your father. And no your mother is not my sister. It was something that we had to say because she needed to be kept safe.” He says ever so calmly. “Safe from who?”She questions “From my mother. Your grandmother.”

Cough*Cough* Spurts of blood cover me in seconds. My attention becomes focused in on my son again. “Where is the damn antidote! Please someone hurry!” At that Hvitserk runs into the room with a small green vial. “Here take this it should help him. Lagertha gave it to me before her and father left. Something about it would come in handy some day. Here.” Shoving the vial in my hands I open it quickly and lift Erik’s head. “Drink this Erik. It should help you, my darling. Please be strong, I know you're scared, but you’ll be alright ok. Everything will be ok.” I say through tears. Today had been the worst day by far. “Mira... please help my son. I know you're always with me, but please help me now. Pray for my son and ask God to save him.”

----------------------------------------

A few hours had gone by and nobody had moved from the room. Arthur sat on the chair next to the bed with his elbows on his knees, looking straight and focused in on Erik. Bjorn and Hvitserk sat by the fireplace and were wetting some towels so that we could place them atop Eriks head. I sat on the bed next to my son and caressed his beautiful face hoping for a miracle. I had dismissed Sarah and told her to take Marjorie with her, but she would not budge. Sarah left, but Marjorie stayed and sat in Ivars lap asking him if Erik would pull through. Ivar was sweet to answer as best as he could, and I could tell that he truly cared for his children even if his demeanour wasn't the greatest. I knew that deep in my heart I would have to let him get to know them, but it still hurt especially knowing that he now was married. “Wait, where is Freydis? I haven't seen her since yesterday.” I say looking towards Ivar. “I dont know earthier to be honest, she's probably looking at some damn flowers anyway. Its best if she's far away anyway.” “Why would you say that about your wi-” “she's not my wife, at least not yet. Were not actually married, (y/n). I just said that to piss you off.” Taking a deep breath I go to stand up from the bed in order to fetch a bucket of water and some new cloths. Instead I end up on the floor cradling my belly, with a burning sensation in my chest and blood pouring out from my mouth. “(Y/n)! Mama!” I can hear the shouts around me. “Fetch the doctor! Now hurry!” The voices around me begin to fade and not before long I can feel myself drifting away.

“My baby... Save my baby...” And with that everything turns pitch black...

52 notes · View notes

foxyotomelady · 5 years

Text

It wasn’t supposed to be, Chapter VI (JuminxOC/Reader)

Author’s notes:

Another long chapter :o

Shit is started to going down, but the real drama is yet to come :>

Buy Me A Ko-Fi Have a nice reading!

[Jumin Han has entered the chat room]

Yoosung: oh and also

Yoosung: I saw your background photo

Yoosung: Is that your dog?

Riyu: Yes, his name was Hige.

Yoosung: Was?

Riyu: he passed away a long time ago.

Yoosung: Oh, I'm sorry...

Yoosung: Rika also had a dog, her name's Sally,

Yoosung: but Sally also passed away

Yoosung: that's why I decided to study veterinary science

Riyu: Jumin?

Jumin Han: Yes, hello.

Jumin Han: how inviting guests is going?

Riyu: pretty good ^^

Riyu: Yoosung just suggested inviting the owner of a dog shelter

Yoosung: Riyu is a very nice person Yoosung: and she works hard Yoosung: she reminds me of Rika Yoosung:

Jumin Han: Yoosung, I don't think compares someone to the dead person is a good thing.

Riyu: um... no, it's okay ^^' Riyu: though I don't think I'm like Rika Jumin Han: you're nothing like her, actually Riyu: is it a good or bad thing? Jumin Han: let's say it's good for now Yoosung: but I still think Rika may have sent her to us Jumin Han: I don't believe in such things Riyu: anyway, Yoosung Riyu: isn't it time for your guild war? Yoosung: OMG, You're right! Yoosung: aaaaa!!! Yoosung: I must go Yoosung: Thank you for reminding me, Riyu! Bye~! Riyu: good luck Yoosung ^^

[Yoosung has left the chat room]

Jumin Han: it seems you're getting along with everyone Jumin Han: but be careful about waking up Yoosung's memories of Rika Jumin Han: she was very dear to him Riyu: I understand, but Riyu: why we keep talking here Riyu: when we face each other at the table

Riyu looked up from her cell phone and looked at Jumin sitting across from him. Her lips raised in a slight smile. He smiled back. "I just saw you were typing and smiling a lot. I was wondering who you were talking to." Riyu made a mocking face, narrowed her eyes, "Are you spying on me?" Jumin didn't answer, he seemed serious. Riyu suddenly felt a strange atmosphere between them. She asked him about this spying in jest... Did he really...? She suddenly remembered how, a few days ago, after their nighttime seance, he had grabbed her wrist. There was something... possessive in this strong gesture. Chills ran down her spine at that memory. Jumin took a sip of coffee. As usual, he held the business magazine in one hand. He wasn't looking at her anymore. "My father rarely calls lately, right? "Yes, he must be very busy." "Or he found another prey." Riyu felt a cold rage, "What's that supposed to mean?" "Exactly what I said." Suddenly it occurred to her that if Jumin was right... If Mr. Chairman would find someone else... She would be in big trouble. He probably would not have buy her parents' company and she would still be trapped in their snares. "You seem disturbed by this possibility," Jumin's dispassionate voice pulled her out of her thoughts. "Of course I am. I have already said that I want to be with your father." Jumin frowned, "Let's not talk about it or I will lose my appetite again." "You started it yourself." Jumin just sighed softly, and she suddenly felt the phone vibrate in her hand. Zen just logged in to chat.

[Zen has entered the chat room] Zen: Riyu! Zen: Ready for our meeting at the cafe today? Zen:

Riyu: Of course ^^ Jumin Han: You're meeting today? Riyu: You gave Jaehee some time off at midday today, don't you remember? Jumin Han: yes, you asked me because you wanted to spend some time with Assistant Kang Jumin Han: but you didn't mention anything about Zen. Zen:

Zen: because I decided to join them later Zen: besides, why do you expect Riyu to explain everything to you? Jumin Han: you know why. Zen: what are you? her guard dog? Jumin Han: I just grant my father's wishes. Zen: I think when he asked you to look after Riyu Zen: He didn't mean checking her every step. Zen:

Jumin Han: I'm not checking her every step. Jumin Han: I just think it would be reckless on her part. Jumin Han: If the media see you together Jumin Han: As Zen is a famous actor Jumin Han: this will cause rumors my father would not like to see. Riyu: But Jaehee will also be there with us ^^' Zen: dude ;;; you can't forbid her to go for a meet up with friends Zen: and you can't keep her in your house like in a prison ;; Jumin Han: she can go anywhere she wants Jumin Han: but not with you. Zen:

Riyu looked up from the telephone again, fixed her eyes on Jumin. She couldn't read any emotions on his face, "Jumin, what's your problem?" He raised one eyebrow slightly, "I think I made myself clear in the chat room. Your meet up with Zen can cause trouble." Riyu rolled her eyes and sighed loudly, "And I think you take Mr. Chairman's request too seriously." "Too seriously?" Jumin's eyes became sharp, maybe even dark. "So his disloyalty is not right, but yours is okay?" Riyu slightly opened her mouth, absolutely taken aback, "What? Zen is just a friend! I barely know him." "You barely know my father, and that doesn't stop you from being his woman." Riyu got up abruptly from the table, pushing her plate away, "You know what? This time I lost my appetite. You really behave strangely today." Without waiting for his reaction, she headed into the guest room. Elizabeth, meowing as if she sensed her bad mood, ran after her. When Riyu sat on the bed, the cat jumped on her lap. Riyu hugged her and looked at the phone.

Zen: guys ;;; Everything okay? Zen: You fell silent suddenly.

[Jumin Han has left the chat room]

Zen:

Riyu: It's okay. Riyu: We just had a fight Zen: this jerk... Zen: Did he say something wrong? Riyu: No, he just behaves strangely. Zen: nothing new -_- ' Zen: Will you show up at our meet up? Riyu: yes, definitely.

Jaehee took a sip of coffee and took a deep breath. She, Riyu and Zen were sitting at the table in a cafe. They've been chatting for something about an hour. In fact, Riyu mainly listened. Zen talked about his roles, and Jaehee complimented his acting skills like a real fan. Still, Riyu was having a great time, the two of them were very nice to her. "I have to thank you," Jaehee said. "Thank me?" "I don't remember when Mr. Han gave me a day off lately." "And you think it's thanks to me?" "You asked him, didn't you?" Riyu scratched her head, felt a strange embarrassment, not quite sure why, "Well, but... I don't know why he would do something for me." "If I can add something," Zen broke in, "this jerk behaves quite strangely towards you." "What do you mean? You mean the situation in the morning?" Zen shook his head, "Not just that. He just... He always ignored... er... you know, his father's women. Sorry, I know you don't like to talk about it." This time Riyu shook her head, "Its okay. I'm thankful you guys keep ignoring this topic in the chat room, but here, when I'm with you in person, I might try to talk about it." "What Zen said is true," Jaehee said. "Mr. Han was always cold and distanced toward Mr. Chairman's women. He seems very different towards you. I think it might be because his father asks him to take care of you. He values his father very much, so maybe he feels responsible for you." Zen sighed loudly, obviously annoyed, "I understand all of that, but... like this morning - he crossed the line. I mean he got strongly overprotective." Jaehee took another sip of coffee and adjusted her glasses, "It might be... I mean, I don't really know him well, but as far as I know, to this point, he only had this cat to take care of, so..." "He just doesn't know how to deal with it?" Riyu added, felt kinda sad and considerate toward Jumin. "I think you both are too nice to him," Zen scuffed. "I just try to understand him more," Riyu explained, looking straight into Zen's eyes. "It's not being too nice. It's just... I don't know how much longer I must stay in his apartment, and also we will be family in some way." Both Jaehee and Zen looked like they were quite uncomfortable when Riyu mentioned it. She scratched the back of her neck. "Riyu... I..." Zen averted his eyes, cleared his throat. "You are really nice and... young girl. You probably don't want to be asked about that, but... why? Why Mr. Chairman? To me, you don't feel like a person who cares for money much." Riyu tried to keep her face stoic. Why, why did everyone ask her that? Maybe it would be better if she pretended to be like any other gold digger? At least she would avoid such embarrassing situations. "Because I don't care about money," She finally said. "I just want to be with him. And let's end this topic here." Zen nodded and smirked, "All right, but if this jerk still behaves strangely, you know who to call, right?" Riyu rolled her eyes, though she couldn't help smiling, "Thank you Zen, but please stop calling him that."

Jumin felt his head pulsing. He didn't understand what was happening to him. He couldn't sit still knowing that Riyu was probably talking to Zen now. In his head, various scenarios were born about how this meeting could go on, how it could end. He could not stop these images - Zen whispering sweet words in her ear, she in his embrace. He did not understand why such fears appear in his head and why he cares about it. Of course, he wouldn't want his father to get married to an unfaithful woman, but... No, that wasn't the reason. At the thought of his father's association with Riyu, he got unpleasant chills and almost nausea. It wasn't about his father. It was all about him alone. But why? He refrained from calling Assistant Kang and ordering her to return to work - he did not know if the meeting of the three of them would just simply end, or rather Riyu would be left alone with Zen. All he had to do was wait, bury himself in work, try to focus his thoughts on the reports. So he spent the next hours at work, tormenting himself with extra paperwork, just to not to think about the girl and Zen together. When Assistant Kang returned to work to prepare his schedule for the next day, he called her to his office. "Mr. Han?" "How did the meeting go?" Jaehee seemed very surprised by the fact that he was interested in it, "Er... It was nice." "Nice?" Jumin raised an eyebrow and felt something twitch on his face. Did Assistant Kang notice this? Was something strange happening now with the expression on his face? Because she looked at him as if it were... "Yes, Riyu is a very nice person, surprisingly." "Did Zen... Nevermind. Riyu returned after meeting straight to my house?" "Yes, I think so." "Good. I've been able to look through more documents today than usual, so tomorrow you will have less work, Assistant Kang. Now excuse me." When he got up from behind the desk and headed for the exit, he felt Jaehee's shocked glance on him. Did he really look and act so strange?

When he arrived home, only Elizabeth the 3rd greeted him. Dinner was already waiting for him on the table, as well as the remains of Riyu's supper. It worried him a little, she usually waited for him and they ate together. She usually greeted him before Elizabeth did. He got attached to it too quickly... He ate dinner in solitude and silence. Riyu had to be in her guest room, the light was visible under the door. After eating dinner, he hesitated for a moment but eventually knocked on her room. The silence that answered him alarmed him. Luckily, it didn't last long. Finally, he heard the quiet and dim, "Jumin? Is that you?" "Yes. Can I come in?" "Yes, yes, please."

When Jumin entered the guest room, Riyu just sat on the bed and rubbed her eyes, "I was a little tired and fell asleep."

Jumin nodded and then approached slowly and sat down next to the girl on the bed, "I apologize if I was too rough this morning."

"Apology accepted."

"Riyu ..." He did not look at her and felt uncomfortable when he said the next words. "Am I weird?"

"What? What do you mean by that?"

"I can't understand what's going on in my head. In the morning you said I was behaving strangely. Assistant Kang was looking at me like at some freak today. Am I weird?"

"Jumin..." Her voice seemed to break down. "What nonsense are you talking about? You're not weird."

"I feel strange. You know, every time a new woman appears in my father's life, I felt like some threads were tightening around my head."

"Threads?"

"I have the impression that there is a whole bundle of them in my head. Sometimes it unravels and these threads close around me, they choke me."

"Do you mean your thoughts and feelings by these threads?"

"I'm not entirely sure myself, but... Ever since you appeared, these threads began to tighten again."

"Is that because I'm your father's next woman?" Riyu's voice was full of sadness. Was she sorry for him?

"Yes and... no. It's different with you. It's so different," Jumin rubbed his face with his hand, then turned to the girl. She really looked worried. "That's exactly what I’m talking about..."

Riyu blinked, "What?"

"Your concern is honest... Your kind words are honest. You are nothing like all those false women who have been in my and my father's life. And that... I'm not used to it."

"But that's... A good thing, right?" Riyu smiled gently, uncertainly.

"Yes, I think so. And yet... It all makes me feel anxious. I am constantly concerned about you. Partially because my father entrusted you under my protection, but also... I'm just worried about you like I'd be worried about any human being."

"I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"I don't want you to marry my father."

Riyu stared at him in amazement. She opened her mouth a few times as if to say something, but no words came out of her throat. None but quiet, "Jumin..."

"You can say what you want, I know you don't really want this marriage either."

"Jumin..."

"I would like to know why you do it, but you don't want to tell me for some reason."

"Jumin..." Riyu suddenly caught him by the hand, interrupting his wave of words. He blinked and looked at her. "You are a really wonderful person. I understand that you are worried, but please do not bring this topic again. I just... I have to do it. I have to."

Jumin felt his palm trembling in the grip of her little fingers. The emotions he felt now were overwhelming, "If you in any trouble, you can tell me... I will try to help you."

The girl released his hand and did something he did not expect at all. She embraced him. Jumin froze as paralyzed. Riyu put her arms around his neck and pressed her head against his shoulder.

"What... What are you doing?"

"I just... I felt you needed it," The girl whispered.

Jumin's heart beat quickly, but it felt... It was pleasant, warm. Slowly and hesitantly, he returned her embrace, placing his hand gently on her back, "I feel like you need it too."

"Maybe a little..." She laughed in sadness. "Don't you mind... To stay like this for a moment?"

Jumin shook his head. He slowly caressed the girl's back. She shuddered and snuggled into him tighter. They stayed like this for a long time. When they finally pulled apart, Riyu smiled sweetly at him, though tears glistened in her eyes.

"I won't force you," Jumin began, "but remember that if you need help, you can count on me."

"I know that, Jumin."

Jumin reached his hand to the girl's face, brushed a strand of brown hair from her temple. Riyu blinked and blushed charmingly.

"It's really weird... One time you make these threads tighten, and another they completely untangle."

"I hope that now I will only untangle them."

"You are incredibly cute."

Riyu snorted quietly, "Stop saying such things. I don't know if Mr. Chairman would be pleased."

Jumin sighed and closed his eyes, "I think I'm starting to be jealous of him..." He whispered under his breath.

"Huh? What did you say?"

Jumin shook his head, "Nothing important. You should go back to sleep. You said you were tired." He got up from the bed and turned to leave, but then the girl caught him by the sleeve.

"Wait... You recently enjoyed spending time in commoners' way. What do you say about another try? Would you have time for a walk? Tomorrow? Of course, I will understand if you have a lot of work and-"

"I will definitely find time for you."

#mysme fanfic #mysme #mystic messenger #fanfiction #jumin x reader #jumin han x oc #jumin han x reader #jumin x oc #jumin #jumin han #zen #yoosung #jaehee kang #slow burn continues #the drama is yet to come

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flamewyrmz · 6 years

Text

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan!

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time.

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH"

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad.

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it.

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly?

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!)

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired)

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug!

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!)

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!)

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone?

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham.

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique).

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter.

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here.

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important.

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here.

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them.

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there.

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress)

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept.

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

#sorry for all the linebreaks i want this to be as easy to process as possible #this is definitely ok to reblog and if you feel even the slightest urge to i encourage it

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milo-gin · 6 years

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soft bias tag

tagged by @sugas-kookies thanks (imissyou)

❦ Who is your bias?

The man in my profile photo and his many sides and endeavours. Min Yoongi/Suga/PD/AGUST D

❦ What made you notice them?

Well, since I like talking I’ll write the entire story. One day (this is a pun and you’ll see why) I was watching art videos and ran into this amazing fanart of a guy with white hair and it said “AGUST D SPEEDPAINT” since I had a thing for white haired characters I gave it a go, without knowing it was KPOP related because as no one knows I despised kpop and their fandoms A LOT, moving on though, I went along and watched the entire thing and I after watching @auriee video more than 10 times I started to accept the fact that I REALLY LIKE THAT SONG AND I HAD TO KNOW THE MAN BEHIND IT. When I saw him maaaaan I fell, and as plus I was trying to get into rap a little more because I was in need of new music so this one fit the glove perfectly, then I procedeed to slowly tap the waters and listened to his other MV, after that I started reading the comments to see where could I download that mixtape, and found it on twitter...This wasnt enough though so I was like I need m o r e music from him, and later on found out he was in a KPOP band and was like....NOPE...But slowly my curiousity and love for his outstanding talent go the better of me... So I explored this so called “BTS” and tried many songs didnt like any of them they were too hyped to get into them as a first, but then I found love of my life ONE DAY lol As a funny side note I later on discovered that it was almost meant to be I had both photos of him and Taehyung as hot guys I wanted to draw, the selca I’d saved was the following

So yeah....that’s my story LOL ❦ What’s your favorite thing about them?

I love that he speaks his mind, maybe because that’s a quality I lack also I love that he’s shy and aloof. That’s always been kind of the guys that I like physically they always have this coldness to them, but in reality they’re always the kindest people, and this is without a doubt the case with him too. He’s just such a nice and talented human. I admire him a lot, he’s such an inspirational soul.

❦ Who would initiate skinship more?

I think me if the scenario was perfect then we’d probably known each other for quite some time so i think I would be the one to make things happen since Im more of an acting kind than talking irl

❦ Who would hog blankets more?

i feel like because of the way I am I’d let him hog the blanket haha and get another one for myself so that he feels comfortable

❦ Who would be more clingy?

neither? I’m not clingy and yoongi doesn’t seem like he’s too clingy either

❦ Who would say ‘l love you’ first?

Damn...maybe me cuz I get attached super fast, and I am in a sort of “no ragrets” run so if I like, love, feel anything for someone I tell them. I now speak my mind more so than I ever did before cuz I learned the hard way that sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission as we say in spanish

❦ Who would be more easily flustered?

I think he’d pretend not to get flustered lol but he’d definitely get more flustered...depending on the situation also cuz I am very aloof about many things mostly when it comes to detaching myself from others

❦ What cuddling position would you two have?

Not to be that person, but I’m a scorpio venus and moon...so maybe id be big spoon because i love babying the shit out of people, and I recently found out I love being big spoon, adding up Im a cancer mars so yeah there you go that’s why I like giving more than receiving

❦ Which colours remind you of them and why?

I think of blue idk why but that’s the color I associate with him, teals, and cold colors maybe the shade pigment too...basically dark and cold spectrum colors

❦ Which season would you like to spend with them?

I have no idea, but I think he doesnt function well in warm weather so summer is out of the table lol cuz he kinda doesnt like it. So maybe Winter or something that’s very chill not too cold or hot...balanced weather I guess that would be Spring

❦ Who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter?

I dont bake lol so he’ll do it. I’ll be stealing

❦ Which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react?

i’m a libra, end of the story. We make a lot of puns, i like puns if you dont like them we cant be friends

❦ Who would want to adopt 50 dogs and cats?

Hmm seeing how he loves Holly i’ll convince him somehow and we’ll end up doing it haha

❦ Which one of you would nearly burn the down the kitchen to try to microwave a pop tart and who would come to rescue?

me...I always burn stuff while cooking. Im sorry, im a poor excuse of a woman

❦ Who likes to lean over tall railings and who pulls them back?

I fear heights so...maybe none of us. I dont know him lol so I wouldnt know how he’d act on this one

❦ What would watching a horror film with them be like?

I dont think he’d watch a scary film, he’s said he doesnt like them so he avoids them and he seems like the stubborn type when it comes to things he likes to do which is why he always says that he wants to be with someone that is very similar to himself. So i cant imagine it sorry. I just dont think it could work

❦ Who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt?

I think he’d be the cheesy flirt hahahhaa he’s a softie and he’s sometimes very impulsive from what i’ve picked up so he’d do it and regret it immediately. I know that I am very smooth as a flirter cuz I just ignore people i like o _ o ) but jokes aside in a comfortable situation I am very smooth

❦ Who is more competitive?

hmmm i think none of us haha i dont think things are worth fighting about when they’re not serious like games, sports, all those things I take them as entertainment and I want to take out stress. If I take it seriously and compete ill stress out which is missing the point of the whole thing. Given the way he’s with music I think he’d end up competing and ill be like “meh” ahaha but on the inside id be like “i dont wanna play anymore cuz i keep losing”

❦ Who would have to be given constant reminders (remember to eat, don’t forget your keys, etc.)

MEEEE lol I hate that shit. It’s my “pet peeve” it gets under my skin, I hate being told what to do when I know I have to do it.

❦ Who sends memes and who sees cute ‘I miss you’ texts at 3am?

I get cheesy at 3 am and im usually awake very late so I’d send the “I miss you” text and he’d respond with a meme of his face like

I think he’d do that cuz he likes acting all cool and stuff, but inside he’d be dying when told someone missed him (maybe like ive said I wish i knew him but I can only speculate from what I’ve picked up on his lives and stuff they’ve done for us to be a little more “public”) I’ll tag: @jin-sin @billiethebean @chiminichichi @lukello (idk if youll do this cuz i know how you see your boo) @hobislobster @gaypopped @daegutown @its-suga-sweet @jungkookiimonster @sugaa @anaevilbanana

#soft bias tag #tags #this was fun #lol

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edgyearring · 7 years

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On a more serious note tho (dw its nothing negative abt u guys, i love ya’ll wtf) i got s/t to say under this here cut b/c it might get long idk

I am having an issue……. because of my scoliosis ive been in a lot of pain recently. Ive been going to the chiropractor for years now to try and help straighten my back. Stuff was goin’ good but here in the past few days my tail bone has been killing me (albeit the pain is worse now than when it started a couple days or so ago)

It sounds kinda dumb (seriously. My ass literally hurts) and i was also hoping after my last adjustment at the chiro id be okay but alas. I feel i should make this post b/c of how bad it’s gotten.

It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, and it hurts to lay down. Crouching is the only thing that sorta alleviates it. It mostly feels like im constantly being stabbed down there tho and (as u can imagine) it is not comfortable.

This, of course, makes it difficult to do much of anything. Including writing… it’s hard to focus bc it hurts and i also keep having to switch positions to try and ease the pain from sitting or laying one way for a while. Ive also (as u might guess) had trouble spleeping and ya’ll know my sleeping habits are bad enough as is, so ive not rlly gotten much sleep lately;;

Im mostly putting this out here ‘cause ive been worried that it might seem like im ignoring some ppl or s/t gjcjvgd but i just cant do as many rp replies as id like to rn and it’s hard to focus on responding to ims and things too.

Im kinda just doing what i can through the pain since i literally cant avoid it (and id get bored just fidgeting around in pain fhchcgd) so yeha. I’ll still probs be doing some stuff rp wise but not a lot (which is a real shame bc im p motivated for once ?? Why does s/t always happen when im actually motivated abt things jfc.)

Hopefully the next time i go to the chiropractor (which is p soon, possibly even tomorrow? I forget but yeh) i can get this checked over more thoroughly and get fixed up. Im a lil scared i might end up needing back surgery though because i happen to have an extra bone in my spine and like… im wondering if it could be the cause of this.

#the short version of this is that my ass hurts literally and the pain is making it hard 2 do anything ghcjcd #ooc; can we apply the penal code to demons?

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rqs902 · 5 years

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more random thoughts as i finish season 2....

some of my favorite moments are when the kids are cheering each other on, its the cutest thing!!!

he yifan and zuo qibo fanboy screaming over liu ye’s rap in ‘boy in luv’ and yu gengyin and cai xukun’s relay chanting “jin ming!” “jia you!’ and ofc “dai jing” “yao na ka!!!!!” hahahahhaha i love their friendship and i love silly gengyin!!! literally even when getting off the car this ep he was so silly and when he was about to go on stage and he was like aight kids i got this, i love seeing him being less stressed ahhhh

OOF THEY LABELED IT AGAIN

awww HE WONNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH when it got announced, i literally clutched my chest and was like ‘my childdddddddddd’ aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh honestly i wasnt gonna be surprised if zuo qibo won this round but IM SO PROUD OF XIAO YU awwwwww he did so well!!!! he like worked really hard to give off a mischievous/ bad boy aura and i think it was such a refreshing and well-executed change for him that it left a strong impression c: whereas qibo is normally already very flower boy / nice guy so i dont think it was as impactful for him to continue playing a role he already embodies normally, altho he was very good-looking on this stage!! but gengyin really went out of his way to try to act cool and carry himself with that kind of aura of handsomeness / arrogance that he’s not really used to portraying and im super proud of him for pulling it off :’) continuously saying ‘我不夠壞’ hahhahhaa but similar to in the sakura stage where he was commended for his powerful stage presence, he’s continuing to build on his new improvements and im super happy he’s still riding on this high c: last ep ‘on rainy days’ i was thriving on hearing his voice smooth over those high notes and this ep’s song wasnt as lyrical, but he still managed to get some vocalizations in and im loving all this extra camera time and focus on his eye smiles. watching gengyin just smile and seeing his eyes crinkle up just makes me so happy inside c: oh! and then when he walks back into the waiting room and hes like “yaayy 努力沒有白費 yaaaaayy!!!!!” im just ooof my heart im so happy for him :’)

also i gotta say, huadi’s attitude towards liuye is kinda scary? I know theyre all being competitive and thats the nature of this show but like liu ye kept telling him to back off basically (and not even for his own sake, but bc he knew huadi’s dancing intensity was negatively affecting jin ming and also the cohesiveness of their group overall) and huadi was still like ‘i need to show myself off so i can win’ and i felt like his attitude was off, like ‘obviously im the best, thanks’ which later became ‘i cant believe i lost, what did he do better’ whereas liu ye was also very confident but to me he came off as less intense and more calm. like ‘i know im the best, so you can go ahead and try to upstage me, but ill just do my best on my end and quietly watch you sabotage yourself’ at least thats how i perceived it .-. but idk yea i enjoyed watching liu ye more and it felt like huadi was trying too hard. but i am glad that huadi and muti resolved their issues last ep

daidai’s stage presence during ‘overdose’ tho? he was really handsome!!! i dont normally react much to daidai’s performances but idk this time i really noticed him in contrast to jeffrey and yongju. i think he just seemed more confident than usual and all the little smiles helped. his hair flipping reminded me of muti and his sass LOL

its really interesting to see cai xukun’s progression through this show and how everyone around him reacts as he goes through this growth process. i would say he wasnt given an absurdly greater amount of screentime but you can tell hes been building up credibility and holds a strong rank among the rest. i would say its not realllyy until the last few eps of season 2 that he pulls ahead of the rest by a significant amount. i was always thinking wu muti was a strong competitor to him but after seeing them and he yifan’s stage, it was pretty clear to me that cxk had successfully exceeded everyone else and ascended to his own level. watching the process through which he gradually builds his now-signature stage presence and now-signature voice is really fascinating and near the end of the season, he already can overshadow everyone else. it seems like huadi is very vocal about how handsome kun has become on stage, yifan doesnt hesitate to admit how good kun is, and gengyin has already admitted early on that they all should learn from kun. zuo qibo is also quick to commend kun but then it seems like muti avoids it? i can kinda guess he might be a bit jealous bc hes always been complimented and lauded on stage but then after he lost so significantly to cxk, im guessing that would be a blow to him. on the show, cxk and wmt both seem very very eager to promote themselves and are very willing to fight for opportunities that they each deem best for themselves. unlike some of the other kids who are more willing to work for the team as a whole more. not that the two of them are bad at teamwork, but i think they definitely arent afraid to demonstrate that they want to stand out and i think thats important in this industry and likely part of how cxk got so ahead. its just interesting to compare this cxk to the cxk on idol producer who knew at that point that he didnt need to fight to stand out because he already did, and he tried so hard to help the other kids around him.

i feel like i should redo my current ranking list, but i guess with the kids who are on the show this time? (minus the s2 kids, bc lets face it, theyd be at the very bottom anyway) rn its mostly tiered like 1, then 2-7, then 8-10. i appreciate liu ye being a good teacher and leader and the way he yifan seems to be able to joke around with everyone and keep their spirits up. muti’s fireiness kinda scared me in the last few eps but i appreciate that he was mature enough to talk it out with huadi and admit he had been too stressed/riled up lately.

gengyin

muti

liu ye

cai xukun

he yifan

zuo qibo

zhao pinlin (gosh im sad hes so injured)

dai jingyao

huadi

yongju

HAHAHAHHA THE PART WHERE ZFZ CHALLENGES THEM TO AN AB BATTLE AND YGY STEPS UP AND EVERYONES IN SHOCK BUT HE JUST RUNS DOWN THE LINE TO PUSH DAIDAI TO THE FRONT HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA i love a true silly boy

its just so interesting bc the latter half of this season (after ygy gets nominated for elimination i guess) feels like they enjoy giving ygy camera time and attention and esp ep 8 onward hes gotten so much positive feedback ive just been amazed and so happy. and now at the end... you can tell hes really pushing himself bc hes seen that he can do well and that if he really goes above and beyond he really does have a good chance, and seeing his confidence go up with each stage that he performs well is really gratifying and im so proud of him, seeing how determined and driven he is. i just find it funny how confident he is about rap all of a sudden HAHHAHA i mean he did do very well rapping during the sakura stage and the judges did compliment him a lot for it so i cant blame him.

omgosh the part where the teacher tells muti that he’s already lost to cxk bc cxk got picked during the first round and he hasnt yet....... oof if this is how they talk to him and they keep comparing him to cxk saying their styles are alike but cxk is better, i can see why he’d have some negative feelings towards the matter. the kid’s literally a child, i dont think this is the right way to motivate him....... liu ye patting his head to comfort a pouting muti aw

because now its my duty to screenshot every time they label his smile !!! and this one even labels it as his “cute signature smile” ahhhHHHH THEY KNOW

HAHAHHAHA SO I WAS TALKING TO MY SISTER and she sent us pics of her new boyfriend and i was like lol im still single BUT ive been watching a new show and i have a new bias HAHAHAH and i proceeded to show her pictures of yu gengyin i have saved on my phone HAHAHAHHA and she was like “he looks just like your type” HAHHAHAHAHAHA SHE KNOWSSS but yea i was like ‘LOOK HOW SMILEY HE IS!!!” and she was like “the dog is cuter” AHAHAHAHHAHA but its ok shes used to this. and it just reminded me of the time i showed her the ip PPAP perf with zhengting and she like straight up guessed zhengting was my fav in that perf and i was like LOL YES and she was like hE LOOKS LIKE YOUR TYPE hahahHHAHHAHahahhaAHAHAHAH my type is somewhere along the lines of zhengting and gengyin yes.

huadi’s never-ending battle of fighting to be seen as more than a dancer... to be continued during afo :(

zuo qibo’s struggle of feeling the pressure of being an old man..... feels bad :(

aw he yifan is really so cute. hes def really improved and really doing well, but i feel like his stage presence could still be stronger. its nice to know that during afo he does really shine stage presence-wise and grows to become more mature, more respected, and a group leader as well.

man its so nice to see daidai really thriving and confident and owning these stages because honestly i feel like on the shows ive seen him in since, including produce camp, hes given me the impression of someone whos lost his confidence and doesnt get to show his skills. i really hope he still has this super-idol version of himself in him because he really shines here, and i think it makes him seem even more handsome than just his appearance alone. oof its just hard bc this show really loves him and the judges really love him and hes so well-supported and encouraged and i think it makes a big difference in his confidence level. i feel like on other shows he hasnt been valued nearly as much and its really sad bc the kid just seems so much less confident.

HAHAHAHA IM SORRY EVEN THO I KNEW IT WAS COMING BC OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THE FINAL LINEUP OF SWIN BUT OMG EVERYONE WAS SOOOOO SURPRISED HE YIFAN MADE IT OVER ZUO QIBO AND IM LAUGHING AHHAHAHHAHAHAH EVERYONE’S LOOK OF ASTONISHMENT IS TOO MUCH AHAHHAHAHA NO ONE HAD FAITH IN HE YIFAN ISTG HAHAHAHHAHA EVEN HE YIFAN HIMSELF IS LIKE WAT HAHAHHAAHHHAAH BUT THEN HIS ADORABLY BRIGHT SMILE IN CONTRAST WITH EVERYONE’S SHOCKED FACES IS ALSO HILARIOUS HAHAHHAHA this situation is just terrible but hilarious at the same time /sigh/ rip zuo qibo im sorry youre old but cant win :( honestly tho i can understand why they picked he yifan bc he does have more to offer the group than qibo :( considering they put daidai in and they already have yongju (and im assuming yu gengyin will be the last one) and even muti and liu ye sing (and i guess pinlin can also be considered a backup lol).... having another lead vocal isnt gonna to contribute much versus he yifan’s low tone rap. he yifan is really a cute little bean tho. oof the way he runs straight into cai xukun’s arms oof friendship

sigh so i guess its after this that yongju gets kicked out bc china (poor kid...) and then at some point daidai leaves and they randomly add in pinlin after he recovers? even tho he wasnt in like half of season 2? lol but i guess he was never eliminated.... so technically that puts him ahead of zuo qibo in terms of next-in-line to be a vocalist? but i guess honestly everyone knows that if pinlin hadnt left the show due to his injury, he wouldve been the main vocal of leo’s group, not zuo qibo. so i guess in a way as long as pinlin recovered in time, he would be considered the best vocalist to add to swin-s. and then they pull some eliminated kids to become swin-e..... going back to watch the “new world” mv is really a trip every single time. i feel like i watched it for the first time after watching ip and literally only recognized cai xukun, and every time after, i recognized a few more kids, after afo, after pdc, and after finishing super idol 1, i finally recognized all of them. but now, after watching season 2, it feels like i finally actually understand why they got picked and i truly appreciate all 6 of them. I think its really amazing to see yu gengyin go from being ranked #1 in the very first audition on the first season, to being so close to getting eliminated in season 2, to being the last one chosen to get a super card at the end of s2, to being a main vocal in “new world”, and truly truly owning that song. i mean besides cai xukun obviously upstaging everyone with his stage presence as usual, but i mean now when i listen to the song (not even watching the mv) and im really paying attention to who’s singing what part, whose voice really gets to shine and gets to dominate the song, its yu gengyin. maybe im biased or maybe its just expected since he is the main vocal, but i guess it just amuses me that i never noticed that before when i watched this mv without knowing him. now i know whose voice it is that is carrying their debut song and it makes it so special. from listening to later swin songs, i feel like zhao pinlin eventually gets himself a much larger cut of the main vocal position (to the point of surpassing gengyin even?), but i mean that is a whole other story, and i think it does flow into zhao pinlin becoming the ultimate main vocal once gengyin leaves. interestingly zuo qibo never does seem to redeem himself from being any more relevant of a vocal within the group, even tho he was def main vocal of leo’s group on s2 after zhao pinlin left... its like as soon as pinlin leaves he’s needed but when pinlin is there, he’s ignored :( gosh as soon as they announced all the winners and qibo wasnt included, his eyes just became so empty you could see his pain.

but yes this ends my essay about the last few eps of super idol s2. LOLL i just started compiling my thoughts into larger rant posts bc i didnt want my whole dash to be littered with a bunch of small random posts, so i started collecting my thoughts on a draft as i watched and waited until it got unbearably long to post, such as now. but watching super idol 1 & 2 has been really an eye-opening experience. ive learned a lot about these kids and its truly made me appreciate the year long training they had in korea and the many many struggles and setbacks and unique experiences they had. honestly i feel like swin couldve easily been 8 people aka swin-s plus huadi and zuo qibo, because honestly theyre all very skilled and capable at this point, and huadi and zuo qibo are really on a different level from gouhao and zhu yunlong (sorry kids, i still appreciate yall tho!) since they werent on like a majority of season 2, but i guess it really doesnt matter in the very long run bc of what happened to swin anyway. such a sad sad history for them to bear, but i do hope they can all achieve some kind of success in the future, because theyve really suffered and worked so hard. ill look forward to watching old swin clips for the time being, as i wait not-so-patiently for afo2

ps: random update, i did in fact make a gengyin gif into my phone lock screen HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH i gave in to the feels. but its the hair flip from that one ikon song he won his individual battle for, and its a historic and important moment okay HAHAHAH

#rants #poor qibo is an old man whos really just tried his best #i have too many feels for gengyin and it shows ;_;

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safyresky · 7 years

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Fusion AU Part II: When Elle Met Berline

Part I: The History | Part II: When Elle Met Berline | Part III: The Bernelle Bit | Part IV: The Triumphant Return of Jackie Frost

(IT’S FINALLY HERE!!! Picks up during TEC, and goes from there! It will end just before Crystal Springs would pick up, I had to split it in half tbh). Side note: It was very hard to write this part and not write the entirety of the Jacqueline and Elle reunion post-TEC blowout, heh).

(also biggest thanks ever to @lovelypidge who let me throw parts at her inbox to make sure Elle was in character and also for writing some of the Elle dialogue for me when I got stuck u r the best :*)

Things had gone from bad, to worse, to horrible, to hopeful, and then right back to bad again, Bernard thought. He leaned on the wall, his head feeling like it was going to explode, as the love of his life exploded on her best friend.

“What else was I suppose to do?”

“Be my friend!” Elle shouted, choked up. “All you had to do was be my friend, Jacqueline. But I’m sure even that was a chore for you. Just like it was for Jack.”

There was a brief moment of silence. Bernard wanted to speak out but his head was throbbing; he couldn’t find his voice. The cold silence spoke for itself; the temperature dropped and Bernard could tell that Jacqueline had been rendered speechless.

“You know what? Just go. You did your job, and now you can be done with me too,” Elle said.

“I bet there’s no point to convince you other wise, is there? Once Elle makes up her mind about something, nobody is changing it.”

“Glad you have me down to a science.”

“You know what, fine. If that’s what you want then I’ll go,” Jacqueline said quietly, voice heavy. “I’m dead tired of this drama anyway. If the two of you had just fused this whole thing could have been avoided!”

Bernard’s vision was swimming a bit, but he could see the look of confusion on Elle’s face.

“Good luck with this one Bernard,” Jacqueline said, her dress swishing, her voice heavy now as well. “I get the feeling you’ll need it.” And with that, the sprite disappeared.

“Ugh. She’s so! I hate--! What does that even mean?!” Elle stomped her foot, tears falling down her face. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Good riddance, I’ll bet.”

Bernard needed to tell her...he needed to go...somewhere? He really, really wasn’t doing well.

“Elle, I don’t think--” he slid down the wall, groaning.

Elle rushed over, concern all over her face. She would have to put Jacqueline’s comment on the back burner now. Bernard needed her help.

"Have you thought about talking to Jacqueline yet?” Bernard asked her one day, a few weeks after what had become known as The Pocket Watch Incident had been resolved.

“Have you thought about talking to Jacqueline yet?” Elle mocked.

Bernard rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, Elle. Have you?”

Elle bit her lip in thought. She had been thinking of it, especially after Bernard had told her a bit about what had happened between Jacqueline and her brother, and pointed out how Jacqueline had never actually betrayed Elle in any way. She had just been doing her job. She let out a long sigh. “I have been. Of course I have, B.”

“I’m just checking in,” he said, shrugging and doing that goofy lil smile that Elle really, really loved.

“I know, and I appreciate it. I really do. It's just..." she sighed, resting her cheek on her fist. "I dunno. I came away from that last discussion with Jack with more questions than answers about Jacqueline, but one thing I do understand is that what happened wasn't Jacqueline's fault--and that the things that I said to her? Yeah, they were really messed up.”

“It is a bit of a slushy spot for her,” B said, sitting down beside Elle.

She fell silent for a few moments. "I really upset her then, didn’t I? I can't tell if she was offended, or angry, and honestly? I'm kind of scared to find out.” Elle sighed. “B, I'm the one who owes her an apology, and I don't know where to start." She pulled her knees up to her chest. "What if now that she doesn't have to be my friend anymore, and...and with everything I said...she doesn't want to be?"

“Elle,” Bernard began, putting his arm around her shoulders and holding her close. “I’ve known Jacqueline for a very long time. I betcha she’s having the same struggle you are! Or something similar at the very least. I can tell you with certainty that Jacqueline still wants to be your friend.”

“Are you sure?”

“As sure as Santa will ride the sleigh on Christmas Day.”

“Well...” Elle began, lifting her head and grinning.

Bernard laughed. “Good point. But seriously Elle, it really will be okay.”

She scratched the back of her neck, frowning. “I just have so many questions to ask her. I want to know what happened between her and Jack. I’m kinda tired of not knowing that. I want to know what she meant with that fusion comment...”

“The fusion thing is just an advance magical technique we fae can do that’s used for emergencies only. Don’t worry about it too much. As for the history between the two Frost siblings...you won't know until you ask Jacqueline."

“Then I guess we should talk to Santa about taking a Day off to go visit,” Elle said, deciding to press her friend about the fusion thing since B seemed pretty unconcerned by it.

“Already taken care of,” Bernard said, standing up and offering a hand. “Santa’s cleared us for the day and I’ve already talked to Quentin. Shall we go visit my Aunt and Uncle?”

Elle laughed. “Stop it, you guys aren’t related. Cousins my behind.”

Bernard grinned. “Doesn’t mean I don’t see them as such. So, wanna go? My arm is getting tired.”

Elle laughed, grabbing his outstretched hand and pulling herself up. “Yes, let’s.”

Jacqueline stood in the kitchen, drinking a carton of chocolate milk, still in her pyjamas. Her hair wasn’t even frozen, and was up in a very messy ponytail.

“I don’t like seeing you so upset,” Winter said, eyes trained on the crossword in front of her.

“That makes two of us.” Jacqueline sighed, taking a sip from her carton. “I dunno Mom. I know I should talk to her but she probably doesn’t wanna see me at all, less so how I usually like to appear.”

“Is that why you haven’t been freeze drying lately? It’s very unlike you.”

“No. Yes. I don’t know. I just...she thinks I’m just like him, Mom.”

“Jacqueline dear, come here,” Winter said, standing up and walking towards her daughter, arms open. Jacqueline smiled, happily accepting her Mother’s hug. “You are not like him. You’re nothing like him. And I’m sure Elle will realize that soon if she hasn’t already. I bet she’ll come marching through that door to see you any day now.”

Jacqueline laughed, about to reply when the doorbell rang. Both women stopped and stared at each other, equally confused.

“I didn’t think she’d appear today.”

“That’s not funny, Mom.”

“I wasn’t being funny.”

“I’ve got it!” Blaise shouted from the foyer, answering the door. The sprites waited. “Bernard! And Elle, I presume? What a surprise, come in!”

“Oh my goddess it is Elle,” Jacqueline said, panic setting in.

“Jacqueline, it’s okay. It’s fine. Just breath.”

“It is super not fine Mom, holy snowballs.”

“You won’t feel better until you talk to her.”

“I know, but I’m...I can’t do this Mom.”

“Yes you can--”

“No, I can’t!” Jacqueline whisper shouted, disappearing in a panic, leaving a shower of snowflakes and blue sparks in her wake.

Jacqueline knew her Mother was right, and she knew that Elle’s arrival meant that they would have to talk. But she was not going to talk while in her jammies with her hair uncombed and unfrozen, nope. She was just going to get changed and then muster up the courage to go downstairs.

Or at least, she was, until there had been a knock at the bedroom door.

Thankfully Jacqueline has been dressed, her hair in its usual white, curly mess; but she hadn’t mustered the confidence to go down and talk to her friend just yet. All because she was afraid she would scare Elle; after all, Jacqueline and her brother did look alike. They were siblings, as much as she wished they weren’t. Winter was right, they were very different.

But that didn’t stop her own insecurities from hitting her like a sentient storm, nor did it stop Elle’s words from their fight from repeating over and over in her head. So naturally, Jacqueline did what anyone else in her situation would have done.

She hid under her bed.

“Jacqueline? Are you hiding from me?”

“No?”

“Then where are you?”

The sprite was silent for a moment. “...hiding.”

“Can I sit?”

“Yeah sure, make yourself at home. Mi casa e tu casa, and such,” Jacqueline said, cringing because that sounded very Jack.

“Listen. It’s okay if you wanna hide,” Elle began, sitting on the bed. “I don’t blame you. After you left I...I talked to Jack and...what I said was really, really messed up and I...god, I have no idea where to start.”

Jacqueline frowned, her heart going out to her friend. If they still were friends, that is. She wanted to get out and comfort her but...goddess, I should have stayed defrosted, she thought.

“We still are friends. At least, I’d like to be. But honestly, after everything I said...I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to be friends anymore. I’m sorry Jacqueline. I really, really am. I was so angry about everything and I took it out on you and I’m just, I’m really, really sorry.”

Jacqueline laughed.

“Hey! I just poured out my feelings and you’re laughing at me?”

“Not because of your apology! I just...I was afraid you would be different but you’re the same old Elle, even knowing me like this. It’s...comforting.”

“I’m not sure what this is referring to since you’re still hiding. Same old Jacqueline, I see.”

“Mostly,” Jacqueline said. “Just a little frosty, I guess.”

“After I talked to Jack...I got an idea of what happened between the two of you. I’m not sure if I offended you, or made you angry, or both--”

“It was none of those,” Jacqueline said, her voice cracking. “I’ve...got a lot of complicated feelings towards the brother. I’ve grown up all my life being compared to him; people automatically assuming we’re exactly the same just because I’m his sister, and his Legate. When you said what you said...I was thrown off completely. I wasn’t expecting it. And...honestly, one of my worst fears is becoming just like him. So when you said--”

“Oh man I seriously messed up, I knew it! I’m so sorry Jacqueline I really, really am--”

“Elle! Stop it. Stop apologizing,” Jacqueline said. Elle felt a pair of familiar cold arms around her. “It’s okay! I messed up too, you know.”

Elle looked back at her friend, blinking briefly in shock. “Oh geez, a little frosty indeed. Is this why you were hiding?”

Jacqueline shrugged, grinning sheepishly. “Yeah. I was thawed before you arrived but when you guys came in, I decided that if I was gonna talk to you I’d do it with my most comfortable appearance. I freeze dry all the time and I tend to go towards the bluer shades which I know is a lot like Jack and I was super afraid that you’d be afraid of how I looked--”

“Calm down snow buddy! You don’t look that alike.”

“Really?”

“Really! Your face is a bit rounder, your eyes are a bit of a darker blue, your noses are similar but I think yours is smaller. I was expecting a lot more ice on that face to be honest. You’re surprisingly warm.”

“I’ve never had a frozen heart. It’s my claim to fame,” Jacqueline said, winking.

“Nice,” Elle replied.

“Yeah. I promise, everything is all good. I’m happy you still want to see me and that you still want to be my friend, cause I still want to be yours. It was never a chore for me, Elle. You’re the first real friend I’ve ever really had, aside from B-Man, I guess. And I’m sorry, too.”

“You didn’t do anything! You were just doing your job. You were trying to protect me and your home. I understand that.”

“See, that’s the thing. I was doing my job. I shouldn’t have been so flippant when you mentioned magic existing, I should have been more supportive...I was a little harsh too, after all. The good luck thing was kinda a low blow.”

“So was me comparing you to Jack. I think B said it was a bit of a slushy spot?”

“Y-yeah. A bit.”

“What happened between the two of you?”

“The Day of Darkness happened.”

“That’s loaded.”

“It lives up to the name, I promise.”

“Do tell,” Elle said, settling in.

Jacqueline paused for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face before she began to talk. “Growing up, Jack had always been trouble. He had a penchant for evil. Dad was always hounding him which he never really appreciated. Then I came along. Apparently having someone to mentor put a curb on Jack’s evil streak. It didn’t last, though. Once Santa entered the scene, Jack was back to his old ways, trying very hard to take his season back. It got really bad, to the point where Dad confronted him one night.”

Jacqueline paused, lost in thought, her hand clutching the material of her dress covering her belly. “They fought. Like, with their powers. I heard them from upstairs. I was scared. I knew Jack did bad things, and my biggest fear was coming true: Jack was doing a “very bad”, I called it, and my parents sounded like they were hurt. I ran downstairs and Jack was leaving. He wouldn’t go back to help them. I had no idea that he had hurt them...just a feeling. I...I followed him outside.”

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes. A huge ice storm had begun, the likes of which I had never seen. I asked him why he was leaving. If he’d come back. He got really upset when I said he was doing a very big bad and that he would be on the naughty list forever. I begged him to stay; he was my only friend, my mentor...what would happen when he left? Who would teach me? He got really upset and yelled for me to leave him alone, and the next thing I knew I was on the ground, with three very sharp pains in my abdomen. And he was gone.”

“Three icicles. To the stomach,” Elle murmured.

“How did you know that?” Jacqueline looked perplexed.

“The stabber himself. And Father Time, admittedly. He’s sassy.”

“I think it’s his bald spot. He’s touchy about that.”

Elle snorted. “Sorry you got stabbed, dude.”

Jacqueline laughed. “Thanks, Elle. I lived, so y’know, there’s that.”

“Did he do it on purpose?” Elle asked suddenly.

“I don’t know. And knowing all the sleet he’s pulled...well, it’s hard to decide. Part of me hopes it was an accident. Because as horrible as it is, after everything he’s done...I miss him, Elle. How awful is that?”

“It’s...it’s not. He misses you too, you know.”

“Ha.”

“I’m serious! It’s one of the reasons why he did the pocket watch thing.”

Jacqueline looked...perplexed. Maybe a bit concerned? Elle couldn’t tell, and she was being careful mentally. She didn’t want to violate Jacqueline’s privacy by prying into what seemed to be her deepest thoughts and fears.

“That’s hard to believe.”

“I know. But take my word for it, he really does want to make amends. It shocked me, too.”

“Elle, it’s...really hard to believe. When we were younger, we’d often find ourselves fused and...his thoughts, that up close and personal? Terrifying.”

“I feel like that’s a loaded statement as well, but I have no idea how deep it is because I have no idea what fused means. Does it have to do with that fusion thing you mentioned?”

“It is the fusion thing I mentioned. Didn’t Bernard tell you about it?” Jacqueline asked, genuinely shocked.

“I asked. He said it was “just an advance magical technique we fae can do that’s used for emergencies only”, and then he said not to worry about it.”

“What a typical Elvin attitude towards fusion, honestly that Bernard--”

“If it’s not an emergency technique then what is it?”

“It is a magical technique and some fae do view it as an emergency thing. The Elves before the Christmas Elves you know--and are, nice ears there kid--saw it as a battle tactic; a very important, very special one. With the Christmas Elves that became “something we can do for emergencies only”. Faeries think themselves above it and would never fuse with any of their cousins, just with other faeries. Pixies were neutral? I think? I can’t remember what Mom told Jackie, I was very young. It’s not like we could ask pixies either, they’re...gone.”

“Who’s Jackie?”

“They are--or rather, were--the fusion of me and...Jack. Jackie Frost was their name. The Ultimate Jackie Frost, but it’s a bit of a mouthful, isn’t it?”

“Fusion of...so fusion means what it means, doesn’t it? Two people combined into one person?”

“In principle, yes. Fusion is a magical technique that only fae--so sprites, elves, faeries and pixies--can perform. At it’s base, it’s the combination of two fae to form one. But that’s just at it’s base, Elle. It’s so much more than that.”

“The sprite view, I assume?”

Jacqueline chuckled. “Yeah, the sprite view. The right view if you ask me. It's...an experience! You combine your form with another and become someone entirely new. New thoughts, new feelings...at the same time, the fusion knows everything each counterpart knows. All of the thoughts and feelings of each other. Everything.”

Elle was silent for the briefest of moments before a large smile graced her face. “That sounds amazing! Silver bells, Jacquie!”

“It really is,” Jacqueline said, grinning.

“I wonder if Bernard would fuse with me,” Elle mussed.

Jacqueline snorted. “The only times I have ever fused with Bernard have been in emergencies.”

“You’ve fused with B?”

“A few times, yeah. Usually in really dangerous situations. Santas would sometimes send him out on these crazy errands. Like I’m talking several hunters pointing guns at us emergencies. You can see why I’m a tad skeptical.” She paused for a moment, looking thoughtful. “Then again, he really loves you so maybe he will agree to fuse with you.”

“Cuddles count as an emergency, right?”

Jacqueline snorted. “If that doesn’t work, I can show you how to fuse,” she said winking.

Elle grinned back. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Elle, it’s for emergencies only! We can’t just fuse because we feel like it.”

“Jacqueline says we can.”

“Well Jacqueline isn’t the authority on fusion!”

“Nor are you!”

Bernard glanced over at Elle, not slowing down. “Fair enough. Had I known you were that curious I would have explained it to you the proper way.”

“I like the sprite view better, to be honest.”

Bernard smiled as they entered Santa’s office. “I can tell.”

“Well I mean if you won’t fuse with me, I’ll just go and ask Jacqueline,” Elle said, turning to the side and crossing her arms, hazarding a glance at Bernard. He looked upset for a moment, maybe even...jealous? Elle grinned.

“I--”

“Ah! There you two are,” Santa said, coming up from under his desk. “I have a very big problem.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t find my snow globe.”

“Excuse me?!” Bernard nearly shouted.

“I was talking to Charlie!”

“Santa, you need to stop taking the snow globe out of the hall. You know how special it is!”

“It’s the only way I can talk to Charlie face to face!”

“Just get a smart phone,” Elle said.

“The screens are too small.”

“We can make you a big one.”

“It’s not the same,” Santa insisted. “If I get a big smart phone it’s going to be so bulky and I may as well just get a tablet.”

“Then get a tablet?” Elle suggested.

“I don’t like the idea. I guess the snow globe is more of my...”

“Aesthetic?”

“Yes! Thank you, Elle.”

“Santa if you really want to stick to your aesthetic, I can make a replica that serves as a communicator. That way the real one stays safe inside of the hall and you don’t. Loose it! How did you misplace it?” Bernard asked, exasperated.

“That’s the thing! I put it down for a second and when I turned, it was gone.”

“So it just disappeared?” Elle asked.

“Yes!”

“That’s impossible,” Elle said, glancing over at Bernard who had paled...considerably. “You okay B?”

“It’s not impossible,” he said, voice cracking. “It happens all the time.”

“What?” Santa and Elle said at the same time.

“Okay, picture this. You’re doing your laundry, and you pull your socks out of the dryer. You start matching them up, only to find that there’s a few matches missing. And they never resurface.”

“I hate when that happens,” Santa said. “I had these really nice pair, that had toe homes, and I lost one of them. Never found it again.”

“Well, they do go somewhere. They end up in the mountains at Crystal Springs. And I think that’s where your snow globe may be.”

“Well that’s great!” Santa said, excited now. “You can get it for me! And bring it back! And we’ll put it back and I’ll stop using it to call Charlie, if you can make a replica.”

“Course I can,” Bernard scoffed. “And in theory, yes, it should be easy to get back.”

“And in practise?”

“It’s more complex. The mountains surrounding the Northern Province, where the Vortex of Lost Items is, just so happens to be in troll territory.”

“Trolls?!” Elle asked.

“Vortex of Lost Items? That’s what it’s called? That’s not very creative.”

“The Mountain Trolls aren’t very creative.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Do you mean to tell me there are mountain trolls? Like in, like in the Hobbit?” Elle asked.

“Almost exactly like that, yes,” Bernard replied. “I’ve faced them before. They’re really stupid, but really great at bludgeoning. They have an excellent sense of smell, too.”

“We need to get that snow globe back,” Santa said. “Bernard, I’m going to request a special errand.”

“Of course,” he replied.

“Special errand?” Elle questioned.

“It’s one of the...well, I wouldn’t say perks, but uh, parts of being Head Elf. Sometimes Santa sends me on special errands that nobody else here could really do.”

“Does Elf Number Two have a cool mission perk?”

“Sometimes,” Bernard said.

“Maybe you should take Elle with you,” Santa said, sitting at his desk. “It may be helpful for a second set of hands when it comes to mountain trolls. And, it’s great practise for future special errands, if the need for her to go on one should arise.”

“I agree, but I don’t think mountain trolls would be the best starter errand.”

“Why not?” Elle asked.

“It could be dangerous. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Oh please, I can handle myself, remember?” Elle asked, tapping her head. “Danger is my middle name,” she added, grinning.

“No it’s not,” Bernard said. He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Elle, send a message to Jacqueline and tell her to meet us at the base of the Northern Mountains. This way, if things get hairy we’ll have some backup.”

“Has she dealt with them before?”

“We both have, together. This isn’t the first time a Santa has misplaced something and I’ve had to fetch it. After the Clifton Manor Incident, Jacqueline tended to go with me whenever I had one of these riskier errands. Just in case things got nasty, like they did at Clifton Manor. Though it was really a Lodge--”

“Oh! Was that the incident with the hunters?”

“It-yes, it was. How did you know?”

“Jacqueline mentioned it. You guys fused!” Elle realized.

“It was an emergency,” Bernard said. “If we hadn’t, we wouldn’t have been able to get out with what we needed.”

“I suppose if something did happen, it would be best if she was there since you guys have fused before,” Elle said, a little weary for some reason.

“I’m sure it will be fine. The trolls are all over the place and I doubt they’d be by the vortex. Really, it’s a small chance we’ll see the trolls.”

“Right. And I guess it would be better to have someone experienced with fusion there, just in case.”

Bernard smiled. “Right.”

“Sorry to interrupt but, uh, fusion?”

“It’s a thing elves can do. And sprites.”

“Pixies and faeries as well,” Elle added.

“I’ll tell you more about it later, Santa. Right now, we need to get that snow globe back, as soon as possible.” Bernard said. “Shall we, Elle?”

“Yes, let’s,” Elle said, taking his hand and letting him teleport them where they needed to go.

It was dusk when they arrived; the two elves blinked briefly as their eyes adjusted to the semi-darkness, since it was a perpetual daytime back at the Pole.

“Is it just me, or is the darkness up on the mountain ominous?”

“It’s very ominous,” Bernard said. “You told Jacqueline?”

“She said she’d be right over. She lives in this province, doesn’t she?”

“The Frosts are one of the few residents who live up here, yes. Now where is she?”

A snowball came flying right at Elle; sensing it, she ducked, the projectile hitting the side of Bernard’s face and sticking to it in a very comedic fashion. Elle snorted.

“Whoops, sorry B-Man! I was aiming for Elle,” Jacqueline said, ducking out from behind a nearby boulder.

“Nice to see you too, Jacqueline,” Bernard said, wiping the snow off of his face as the two girls giggled.

“I told you you wouldn’t get me!”

“Just you wait, I am the snowball master,” Jacqueline said, grinning. “So, let’s get down to business. What’ve we got?”

“Santa’s lost his snow globe suddenly,” Bernard said, air quotes punctuating the suddenly.

Instantly, Jacqueline groaned, throwing her head (and her torso) back. “Ugh, that means trolls, doesn’t it? They’re so smelly and so, so stupid.”

“It’s a slim chance they’ll be there,” Elle said. “Bernard thinks it will be fairly easy. If anything, this climb is going to be brutal.”

“I’ll just fly us up,” Jacqueline said, a cold north breeze beginning to stir.

“Hold on a second--” Bernard began, but it was too late; the breeze had turned into a heavy wind and Jacqueline grabbed them both, propelling them up the mountain side. The trip was fast, and they landed just at the cusp of the mountaintop, hidden behind a few boulders.

“There we go! First problem solved. And we’re hidden. Just in case,” Jacqueline said, shrugging.

“We needed to be stealthy.”

“It was more stealthy than teleporting, B-Man.”

Elle carefully moved to peer over the boulders as her companions argued, taking in the scene. The peaks lowered down into a plateau; in the far left of the plateau was a deep hole, surrounded by all sorts of items. There were a lot of socks, Elle noted, just like B had said earlier. A few larger objects were there as well.

Suddenly the hole began to glow, an object popping out of it. In the brief light given off by the vortex, Elle recognized it instantly.

“Guys, if you’re done bickering? I can see the snow globe.”

Bernard and Jacqueline joined her on either side, peering over the boulder. Bernard spotted it instantly. “Nice work, Elle.”

“It just popped out.”

“Thank goodness it travelled fast.”

“We have a problem,” Jacqueline spoke up, eyes trained on the right side of the plateau. The two elves followed her line of sight--about seven trolls sat around a large roaring fire, cooking something on the flames.

“Gingersnaps,” Bernard said.

“So much for a slim chance,” Jacqueline added. She turned away and slumped behind the rocks, hidden from view. Bernard and Elle joined her, deep in thought.

“We need a plan,” Bernard said.

“Trolls are really dumb, right?” Elle asked.

“Incredibly dumb,” Jacqueline replied.

“Okay, well here’s what I’m thinking. I’ll sneak down there and just pick up the snow globe. If they notice me, I can redirect them with the good old brain box,” she said.

“That’s risky,” Bernard pointed out. “They can hear really well, you know.”

“I’ll throw a rock on the other side of the plateau, this way they won’t look at me. If I stay on the far side, I should be able to do it.”

“I like it.”

“Jacqueline!”

“What? It’s simple. So are they,” she said, gesturing over the rock.

Bernard got up, glancing at the trolls again, then ducked back down behind the rock. “I don’t want you to get hurt, Elle. Or, y’know, eaten by trolls.”

“It wouldn’t be a fun way to go out,” Jacqueline added. “You sure about this Elle?”

“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I wasn’t sure,” she snapped, crossing her arms. “You guys can watch me from up here and if anything happens you can come and give me backup. However you decide to,” Elle said.

“I’m cool with that. It took me forever to get the stench out of my dress last time I dealt with trolls. Bernard?”

“We’ll give it a try. Just, please be careful Elle,” Bernard said.

Elle blinked, his sincerity warming her chest. “Of course. I’ll be back before you both know it,” she said, and with that, Elle left.

“She seems bothered by something,” Jacqueline noted. “Almost...jealous sounding? Sort of?”

“I was getting that vibe too. I think she’s upset I won’t fuse with her if things get bad today.”

“That would do it. Here’s hoping her plan works then. I don’t think Berline would help her mood much, if that’s the case.”

Bernard nodded, turning his attention to Elle’s retreating form.

Elle had decided to head over to the left side of the clearing and descend there. It was farthest from the trolls and the light from the fire didn’t quite reach. She began her decent, frowning.

She was in a little bit of a mood. The worry Bernard was giving off was a little overwhelming; she would be fine. She could handle this. There was no need for Jacqueline to come "lend a hand” if need be.

Elle knew she really didn’t need to be so upset that Bernard had fused with Jacqueline before and not her. She didn’t need to be upset because B had asked her to call Jacqueline just in case. It made sense--Jacqueline had experience fusing and Elle did not.

Though if B would just fuse with her then she wouldn’t be such a novice!

She lost her footing on the climb down, a few pebbles falling. She inhaled sharply, immediately stopping her climb and plastering herself as flat against the side as she could. She looked over at the trolls; they had heard. Of course.

Quickly she scanned the opposite wall, spotting a loose rock on the side and giving it a little mental tug. It cracked and rolled down the side of the mountain, falling on the floor.

“Eh, wot’s that?” One of the trolls said.

“Someone here? This is our hoard, leave off!”

With their attention all turned to the other cliff side, Elle exhaled and continued her decent, touching down lightly. She breathed a sigh of relief, glancing over at the group. They really did stink, she noted. Like compost, or manure.

Taking a deep breath, she leaned against the rocky wall, slowly sidestepping over to the currently dormant vortex. Her eyes were peeled on the trolls, as they grumbled about, trying to find what had fallen the rock. They were now arguing over what kind of animal it was, and if they could eat it.

“Oh man, you’re all really, really stupid,” she grinned. She glanced above them, giving another rock a bit of a shove. It landed on one of their heads, causing a bit of an uproar.

Careful, Elle. Don’t get too cocky.

I know what I’m doing, B, Elle replied mentally, continuing her slow sidestep against the wall. “If you were so worried, you could have just fused with me. Bet that would’ve kept me safe,” she said out loud, frowning. She sighed, inching closer and closer to the vortex. “I just wanna fuse with my man,” she said out loud, a tad loud. She stopped, glancing at the trolls. They were still preoccupied with the opposite wall.

Everything okay bud? Jacqueline’s voice asked.

You too??

I’m just checking in. You stopped and I missed why.

Oh, Elle replied. She flushed a little, a tad embarrassed for snapping on Jacqueline. Sorry for snapping. It’s all good, pal. Elle said, even though she was decidedly not good right now, what with the whole fusion thing getting her all...worked up (she refused to call it jealousy, even though a part of her knew that’s exactly what it was).

She shook her head, shoving the fusion stuff to the side as she approached the vortex. Or well, hole, as it was currently dormant. She glanced around, trying to find the snow globe. Her eyes scanned over the mess of objects--socks and keys, a few weird nick knacks, some teddy bears, and...some treasure? Sure enough, there were several small chests filled with all sorts of loose change, glimmering every so often. And were those weapons laying about?

There’s a lot of stuff here, she told them both mentally. Swords, even.

Let me know if you see one with a really nice sapphire inlaid hilt, I lost it back in the fifteenth century, Jacqueline replied.

How do you loose a sword?

Your jealous knight of a boyfriend “misplaces” it and then actually can’t find it.

Elle snorted. Is this the one that hated how good you were with a sword?

Yeah, that’s the one. And I really liked that sword, too.

Do you see the snow globe? B asked. Elle scanned the area she thought she had seen it pop off to. Sure enough, it was right where she had watched it fall, in a pile of Canadian pennies.

I got eyes on it. I’m grabbing it and heading over, she replied, inching closer to the globe. It was very close to the hole. She got closer, and closer, when suddenly the hole lit up.

The whole area was bathed in light; she could hear the trolls making a fuss and realized they were looking over at her. But had she been spotted?

“Lookit that, s’another trunk of gold!”

“Wait, what’s that there? Is that a person?”

“It smells like elf!”

“Uh-oh,” Elle said, the light dying down. “I have been spotted.”

She turned to run but was suddenly pulled up by a meaty hand. The trolls were...faster than she thought they would be.

“Shit,” she said.

“Did you come out o’ the vortex?” the one holding her asked.

“Why would she come out o’ the vortex?” another one said, smacking that one upside the head.

“Ow!”

“Looks like she got a little lost.”

“Can we eat her?”

“Elf meat is very good, I hear.”

“You definitely don’t want to eat me,” Elle said. “I’m barely an elf I like just got my ears. I haven’t aged well at all, I doubt you would want fresh meat--”

“Fresh meat is much better than aged meat!”

“No it’s not! Aged meat has a nice taste to it!”

“Wot do you say, elf? What kind o’ meat is the best?”

“Definitely aged,” Elle said.

“She’s just sayin’ that so we don’t eat her!”

“Let’s get ‘er on the spit, then we’ll discuss seasoning, ‘ow’s that?”

“Oh boy,” Elle said, as one of them began to rustle around for some rope. Craning her neck, she stared at the troll, imagining a large fist punching it out. She felt the mental tug head towards the troll--but nothing happened. He blinked and swatted, as if a bug had just hit him.

“I am in a bit of a pickle,” she voiced.

“Pickles? Oh, that would go great with elf, thank you, dinner!”

“Do we ‘ave pickles?”

“I’m sure someone will loose pickles and a jar will pop right out o’ the vortex ‘ere.”

Elle sighed. This was going to be a long night.

Jacqueline and Bernard watched as the vortex lit up, revealing Elle to the trolls.

“Elle!” Bernard shouted, making to get up. Jacqueline grabbed his shirt, pulling him back down.

“We can’t rush into this,” Jacqueline said. “Those are trolls, B-Man.”

“They have Elle!”

“I know! I’m just as worried as you are!”

“I knew this was a bad idea!”

“She had it handled and would’ve managed if the vortex hadn’t lit up when it did.”

“I-” Bernard paused, and exhaled. “You’re right. She did. What do we do now?”

“We can probably take them,” Jacqueline said. “Berline could definitely take them. I just don’t want them to upset her.”

Bernard hesitated. “They could. If we can get Elle to distract them again, we can untie her, grab the snow globe, and head out with a minor skirmish.”

“And if not, I’m pretty sure Berline could do a number on them.”

“Absolutely,” Bernard agreed. He glanced out at Elle, who was now tied to a long stick. He cleared his throat, offering a hand and sinking into a bow. “Shall we?”

Jacqueline curtsied. “Yes, let’s,” she replied, taking his hand. A flash of light and the elf and the sprite were gone, replaced by a very tall, four-armed fae. “Let’s kick some troll ass,” Berline said, grinning and floating down the cliffside.

Elle, meanwhile, was having a time. Her offensive telepathy had no effect on them. Why didn’t it work?

I know I said I would do this on my own but, uh, I could definitely use a hand. She directed the thought towards Bernard and Jacqueline; she couldn’t see both of their mental links with her, for some reason. They were...foggy. Maybe the trolls had a cloud of stupid that effected herself?

How about four hands? A voice replied. Elle nearly screamed, before the voice spoke again. S’okay! It’s just me. Well, us. Details, really.

There was something familiar about the voice; it calmed Elle down a tad as she was jostled around on the stick, very disgruntled. Had B and Jacquie fused? Elle was getting that vibe. A feeling of relief washed over her, overtaking her anger. Please tell me you’re on your way to help me.

Course. I’m not going to let you get eaten by trolls, that’s an awful way to go out. And smelly. My tunic still smells like them sometimes. I need you to do me a favour, the voice said.

I’m a little tied up at the moment, Elle said. She snorted at the unintentional pun; so did the voice.

It’s fine, it replied, laughingly almost. It’s all mental stuff.

That’s kinda not working right now.

What do you mean?

I tried to knock out the one that tied me up out but he just...brushed it aside, like a bug or something.

Trolls are made of stone. That’s probably why it’s not quite working. I should’ve specified, sorry ‘bout that. It’s mostly vocal stuff.

What were you thinking?

Distract them. Get their eyes off of you so I can grab you.

Can do. The snow globe, we need to bring it to Santa. I dropped it when they grabbed me.

I’ll grab it, don’t worry.

I’m a little worried. I’m on the menu, after all.

They’re picky eaters, the voice replied.

“I can work with that,” Elle said out loud.

“Wot?”

“Stop talking to dinner!”

“I just have a bit of a complaint here,” Elle began, remembering The Hobbit. “This is the absolute wrong way to cook elf.”

“Wot?”

“You can’t roast elves. We won’t cook evenly.”

“She’s just saying that to get out of being eaten!”

“I would never! You caught me, I am definitely trapped and not expecting a rescue anytime soon.”

“Wot?”

“If I’m gonna go out being eaten by trolls, I just want to make sure it’s done...properly,” she said, glancing towards the vortex. She could see the objects moving around; someone was coming...but she couldn’t see who. They reached the globe; it was jostled, as if a foot had nearly kicked it. She saw the globe float up and disappear.

Get them to look away, said the voice.

I’m working on it! Elle snapped.

Sorry. I just want to get you out of here and get you back safe.

“Then wot do you suggest?” The troll holding her slammed the pole she was tied on into the ground, the edge sticking in the ground and putting her right side up.

“You gotta grill us,” Elle said.

“Wot?”

“We cook better if we’re grilled, not roasted. You’ll have to find a wire rack, and get that set up. Go on, I’ll wait here.”

“Well, you all ‘eard dinner.”

“I don’t trust it,” another troll said.

“Well I don’t want to spoil the first good meal we’ve ‘ad in a while!”

“Or was it boil? Maybe we cook better boiled. I can’t quite remember, there’s just so many variations of elf flambé .”

Soon enough, all seven trolls were arguing, looking away from Elle. She breathed a sigh of relief as a warm chill surrounded her (a very strange feeling, to be honest). She could feel the ropes loosening, though she still couldn’t see the person doing the untying.

“Nice job,” the voice said, right in her ear.

“I told you I was working on it,” she whispered back. “Did you get the globe?”

“It’s in my satchel. We should be able to make a clean break unless--”

“Oi! Do you lot smell that?” One of the trolls shouted, disrupting the arguing.

“I smell fae,” another one said. “I thought you said you were alone!”

“Did I say that? I don’t remember saying that.”

“Who’s here?”

“Well since you asked, my boyfriend and best friend are here and they’re going to kick your asses.”

“Tiny elves like you? Ha! We’re trolls!”

“Made of stone!”

“Nothing can take us!”

“Jacqueline and Bernard will! They’ll fuse and kick all seven of your gross, smelly, butts.”

“Fuse?”

“Wot did she say? A Jacquenard?”

“Actually, it’s Berline,” the voice said. The trolls looked around; they couldn’t see the newcomer. There was movement behind one of the trolls beside Elle. Elle could make out a hand, tapping it’s shoulder. The troll whipped around. Berline appeared, grinning. “And I would appreciate it if you didn’t eat my Elle,” they said, two arms winding back and launching forward, punching the troll straight in the face.

He was thrown backwards, hitting the nearby rocks and loosing consciousness. The others bristled, Berline shaking their fists. “That’s gonna bruise.”

“I told you so!” Elle shouted, as Berline lifted one of their arms, a gold light tossing the troll on Elle’s other side right into the vortex.

“Wot’re you doing! You just tossed our cook into a void!”

“I know,” Berline replied dryly, giving the ropes a final tug. Elle hopped down, grinning; her angry mood before all but forgotten now. “And I’m about to steal your dinner too. It would be much appreciated if you all just stepped back and let us leave.”

Elle laughed. Berline was already winning her over; they were about the size of the mountain trolls themselves, and a lot better looking. The four arms would take some getting use to; Elle hadn’t expected a fusion to have extra arms, nor to be as giant as Berline was.

“You’ll have to go through us, first!” one troll shouted, drawing a weapon.

“Yeah!” the rest agreed, gathering their arms.

“‘ow do you plan on doing that?”

Berline glanced down at Elle. They had one brown eye and one blue eye, Elle noted; their nose looked a lot like Bernard’s, though the face shape was more Jacqueline’s, Elle thought. And their hair, holy heck it was massive and crazy curly! It reminded her of River Song, and went down just past their shoulders. Jacqueline hadn’t been joking when she said a fusion was an entirely new person, Elle realized. She gazed back up. Berline winked, before turning back to the trolls. Watch this, they said mentally, rolling their shoulders.

“You really want me to tell you? It’ll spoil the fun,” they said, pouting.

“Well you’re spoiling our dinnah!”

“I have a lot of replies to that but ah, I think I’m in enough hot water already with this one,” they said, head gesturing to Elle. “You do pose an excellent question, though. How ever will I, a very powerful fusion of an elf and a sprite, thank you very much, get past a wall of one two three four...five mountain trolls? Well, here’s how. First, I’m gonna give Elle my satchel to hold. Then I’m gonna come at you with another punch,” they said, pointing to the left end. “Then I will freeze your three companions there in place and proceed to blast that fifth guy right over there with his snoozing pal. Then, once those three inevitably break out of their freeze, I’ll hit them all at the same time with my fists, knocking them out, and blast you over into that wall there. Then I’ll pick up Elle and simply walk out of here with her and what we came to get. I hope you were writing all this down because I’m about to get busy,” Berline finished, taking off their satchel.

“Hold this please, Elle.”

“I got your satchel, you go kick their asses!”

With a grin, Berline cracked their knuckles and shot forward, a cool breeze rustling Elle’s clothes. They rushed over to the troll on the far left, right arms already smacking the troll in the face. He went flying, hitting the wall behind him. Stones fell from the impact, burying him.

“That was unexpected,” Berline said, shaking ice off their fists. They turned around, the other four trolls coming at them fast. All four arms shot out at once, a huge blast of ice and snow hitting the three in the lead and freezing them up to their midsections.

They began hitting the ice, the final troll rushing around them and screaming, running right towards Berline.

“I wouldn't do that if I were you!” Elle shouted.

“She’s right,” Berline said.

“I’ll not let you get away with our dinner!” The troll said, weapon raised. Berline rolled their eyes. With a lazy flick of their wrists, a blast of gold shot him all the way across the space, hitting the rocks and landing right on top of the troll slowly gaining consciousness.

“Take that!” Elle said. She narrowed her eyes and moved her arm, a large group of boulders tumbling down the sides and landing on the two trolls, knocking them both out once more.

“Ha! Nice!” Berline said, grinning.

“I try,” Elle smirked. “Look out, you’ve got company.”

“Oh! Right!” Berline turned around and ran towards the three formerly frozen trolls, who had all broken out of the ice and were rushing towards the fusion. Ice began to form around all four of Berline’s fists, as they finally clashed with the trolls. Berline ducked one swing, punching that troll up and over them, into the wall behind them.

The other two trolls came at Berline at the same time, hoping to catch them unawares. It didn’t quite work that way, of course; Berline turned on their heel and hit one troll, then the second one, tossing them over to the pile of trolls Elle had just covered in boulders. They landed in the pile with a loud thud.

Berline stood up, stretching and dusting the ice off their hands. “I told you so,” they said to the now unconscious trolls, heading towards Elle.

“That was awesome,” Elle said. “You’re a badass Berline, holy heck!”

“I try,” Berline said, joining Elle’s side. “Sorry you almost got eaten by trolls. I really didn’t want your first errand to go like that,” They said, gesturing to the pile of unconscious trolls to their right and plopping down beside Elle. Sitting, they were about as tall as Elle.

“I told you, danger is my middle name.”

“No it’s not.”

“Huh?”

“Your middle name is cutie pie,” Berline said, booping her nose.

Elle giggled, suddenly overcome with shyness, for some reason she couldn’t quite place. “So, uh...do you know me?”

“Of course I do,” Berline grinned. “I also know that cutie pie isn’t your middle name. It’s Sophia. I was trying to be cute.”

“I gathered. It worked, don’t worry,” she said, smiling. “Here’s the satchel back, by the way. Did it get bigger?”

“Well if it stayed Bernard’s size, the strap would’ve broke. I’m twice as tall as he is. Literally,” Berline winked, grabbing the satchel and throwing it over their shoulders again, standing up. “Ready to head out? I hope you don’t think it’s weird if I put you on my shoulder.”

“Fine with me,” Elle said. “Watch out behind you.”

The vortex had spat the cook back up and he was running towards Berline. Berline barely even blinked before their left arms were covered in ice and shot up, the troll slamming right into their fists and falling over, unconscious.

“Literally, so badass,” Elle said again, walking onto the hand Berline offered. “Does the ice function as armour?”

“Thanks,” Berline said, grinning. “And yes. I’m not fond of bruised knuckles.”

“So how come the trolls didn’t see you? Or me, for that matter? Can fusions turn invisible?”

“I can because Jacqueline can.”

“She can? That explains so much,” Elle realized.

“Heh. Yeah. I don’t know why we didn’t just send Jacqueline down, invisible. Not that you weren’t doing a good job, of course. You almost made it were it not for that vortex.”

“Your disappearing act was so cool though, oh man. Those trolls were so confused it was hilarious, the look on their faces! Priceless!”

“Does that mean you aren’t jealous anymore?” Berline asked, eyebrow raised in a very Jacqueline way, Elle noted.

“Jealous? Me? Why would I be jealous?”

“Bernard was getting those vibes. Jacqueline could full on tell. She really didn’t want myself to appear, she was afraid it would upset you more. To be fair, it sounded like my appearance did upset you.”

“Okay fine, I was a bit jealous. Am, I guess.”

“I figured as much. Well, we’ve got a fair ways to go, let’s chat,” Berline said.

“I dunno, it’s just...the way Jacqueline explained fusion made it seem so special.”

“It is,” Berline agreed.

“And I really really want to fuse with Bernard and I guess the fact that he’s fused with Jacqueline before just bothered me a lot. It makes sense she would be here I mean, you have way more experience than I do with fusion. I mean, you are their fusion...I’m rambling,” Elle said, blushing as they cleared the wall they had come down originally in two steps.

“You’re cute is what you are.”

“Stop it, I’m trying to be mad,” Elle semi-joked. “God, it’s just so silly that I’m jealous of you and talking to you about it!”

Berline laughed. “That’s not silly, it’s funny. I made you jealous! That’s hilarious.”

“It’s not funny!”

“Oh man, it really is Elle. See, the thing about fusion is that not only does fusion result in a totally new fae, a fusion is representative of the relationship between the two fae. That’s why it’s so funny to me. I’m a representation of Bernard and Jacqueline's relationship--I’m basically the personification of a real tight sibling relationship, Elle. That’s why it’s so funny!”

“I’m not quite following,”

Berline stopped, offering their hand to Elle, who tentatively stepped on it. Berline brought her in front of their face, so that they were eye to eye. “The relationship you and B have is really special, Elles,” Berline began. “When you two do fuse--and I know you will--your fusion will be very different from me. And a lot more special,” they finished, smiling a very Bernard smile. “Are you crying?”

“I’m not crying, you’re crying,” Elle said, swatting away the tears that had begun to form in the corners of her eyes.

“I think I’d know if I was,” Berline frowned, placing Elle back on their shoulder. “You understand what I was saying now though, right?”

“Yeah,” Elle nodded, smiling. “I do. You really think he’ll come around?”

“Of course I do. I’m part Bernard. And he’ll remember this conversation. As will Jacqueline. If he doesn’t come around, she’ll be sure to remind him. And hey, you could always ask her to fuse with you still,” Berline said, blue eye winking.

Elle laughed.

“Let’s head home,” Berline said, making sure Elle was safe on their shoulder before disappearing in a very large burst of snowflakes and gold sparks.

(This has made me love Berline even more, holy fuck, they’re just so sweet with Elle and I am deceased thank you for reading give me feedback please it only makes me stronger)

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rapturedtoxicity · 7 years

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Me: yo Me: wassup Friend: nm just bout to watch the mayweather fight Me: right Me: mcgregor or mayweather Me: ? Me: disclaimer i dont know shit abt any of that Friend: boxing match Friend: jst watching it since it will be a thing that lots of people talk about Me: fair enough Me: i am Me: extremely drunk rn Me: have been for the last 6 days Friend: lol Friend: welcome to how many people spend their early 20s Me: cheers Me: it helps deal with the pain tbh Me: dude Me: weird question maybe but Me: have you ever self harmed Friend: no but its not something that works with me Me: fair enough Me: i've been trying it Me: it kinda helps Me: for me Friend: ive done it but not directly Friend: just training slamming my fist and knees into a wall Friend: until i just ran out of energy Me: i getcha Friend: but it didnt do anything Friend: but those times i just wanted to feel anything that wasnt what i felt ever yday Friend: even if it was physical pain Friend: it was nice to feel something else Me: yeh Me: kinda where i am atm Me: been making cuts into my arm Me: to distract from the heartache Me: it helps a lot Me: surprisingly much actually Me: dont mean to be depressing, rofl Me: dont intend to make it a permanent habit or anything but Me: fuck Me: it helps Me: god damn Friend: i get you Friend: but people do it for different reasons Friend: i just want to punish myself Friend: i found other ways to do that Me: kind of on that page atm Me: punishing/relief Me: feel like i deserve it in a way Friend: for me those were 2 different things, it was nice to feel something else but essentially it got me nowhere closer to a positive end goal Friend: or so i've rationalised what im doing now to be conducive Me: yeh Friend: im sure im wrong but Me: idk if im aiming for a positive end goal atm? just kinda Friend: im far too proud, i have to do it solo Me: doing it to relieve stress in the moment Me: you get me Me: ? Me: yeh i get you Friend: a little but Friend: when i did that stuff Friend: i couldnt do anything Me: i know it's fucking stupid and all that Friend: my brain just didnt think straight Me: and i know i aint thinkin straight Me: yeh Me: but Me: it does help. Me: for me, at least Me: redirects the fucking Me: immense emotional pain into Me: slight physical pain Me: distracts me in the moment Me: only real downside atm for me is how hard it is to hide it Friend: nah thats effort Friend: showing it is fine Friend: just make sure you have a solid convo ender to observers who question it Me: i agree personally but Me: my coworkers keep telling me to cover up and shit Me: like im not looking for attention Friend: cover up? Me: im just doing my own thing when i roll up my sleeves at work and shit Friend: do your cuts etc show? Me: yeh Friend: yeh thats stupid Friend: obviously Friend: use your leg or something Friend: fuck knows why im helpng you do this Me: hahhhahahhaha Me: i actually cracked up Me: lmfao Friend: but until you realise better Friend: me saying Friend: dont do it Friend: wont achieve shit Me: agreed Friend: but you need to know you're retarded for doing it Me: heard that a bit much lately Me: just makes me feel spite Me: yeh i know it's retarded Friend: you're smart enough to suffer until you have a better answer Me: aye Me: i get it Friend: you might hate me a little for saying it Me: just dont have a better answer atm Friend: but personally i think you shouldn't be shit sad Friend: this* Me: elaborate Friend: i know its all relative obviously Friend: but tons of people would kill to have the kind of breakup you had Friend: yeh things will be a little tough but you still have someone close (at least thats what we know for now) Friend: you need to thing of all the good things Friend: and think like Friend: ok magic lamb Friend: genie magic Friend: go Friend: change your situation Me: i am Me: i've started working on myself and shit Friend: lamp* Me: am meeting ppl pretty much every day and shit Me: going out more, doing new things Me: but when i get home the rest of it takes over Friend: but would you be doing that if you knew you had no chance with her? Me: id probably Me: take a few days to just fucking sulk to be honest Friend: i mean i understand how decisions are influenced to match your S/o Me: and then try and work on it Friend: but a "change" like that needs to be genuine or its all superficial Friend: and fragile Me: no yeah like Me: ive been thinking like Me: last couple days like Me: as much as i hate that this is happening Me: maybe it's a good thing in the big picture Me: because i'd become so fucking like Me: isolated Me: i was only really meeting her Me: and chilling with her Me: never really met or did anything with friends Me: so in a way it was a wake up call Me: made me realize that i had to water the crops so i could keep on reaping them Me: still have my eyes on the prized flower ofc Me: but it kinda made me realize that she isnt the only thing thats important to me Me: shes obviously really fucking important to me but it really kind of woke me up Me: like a splash of water to the face Me: like Me: "shit i fucking. i gotta get off my ass and meet friends and shit" Friend: yeh its true Me: made me understand how important all that shit is to me kind of Friend: as you get older, you need to always make an active effort Friend: to stay on top of friends Me: yeh Me: cause i was very reliant on her in a way Me: and as much as i want that to be a thing still Me: it made me understand that i can also rely on other people Me: i can also look to other people Me: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things thatMe: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things that Me: i originally didnt like to do with her Me: or like Me: "didnt like" Me: it made me realize i was just being a shitter in my own world Me: i actually enjoy a lot of those things Friend: thats also a tricky thing tho Friend: like feeling that a bad aspect about you needs fixing Me: just didnt understand it cause i was so stuck in my loop Me: yeh sure maybe im just saying/doing that to make myself feel better unconsciously but at least its something right Me: a different perspective Me: like Me: i find myself Me: actually wanting to go on walks Me: i find myself actually wanting to do all this shit i thought i hated doing Me: i feel more awake in a sense Me: so while i still really want her back i think ive kind of found the light at the end of the tunnel in a way Me: a different light than i was originally searching for, maybe Me: but a light nonetheless Friend: i get you Friend: a little advice is try not to mention any "changes" you have Friend: personally its just better if a person realises your changes from seeing it first hand Friend: dont be that guy who promotes himself Me: yeh cause it'll maybe make her think im trying to change for her or something Friend: yeh Me: instead of actually changing Friend: dont advertise it ever Friend: just know what you're showing and how you're acting is a result of work and mentality Friend: if it shows it shows Friend: if it doesnt then who cares Friend: you do you for you Friend: it would just be good obv if the flower gets it without any assist Me: yeah Me: for sure Me: i think Me: if we end up hanging out again and shit Me: i'm pretty sure i'm still just gonna Me: want to ask her to go out for a walk and do shit and all that Me: because i feel that desire now Me: even if i'm making cuts on my arms and drinking like a maniac Me: like i still feel like im making progress Me: even if my current ways of coping with the pain are fucking retarded Me: and im very aware of that Me: i kinda feel like i can maybe learn from being a fucking moron for a little bit though Me: understand a bit better how that is, how the perspective switches you know Friend: yeh Me: notes to be had Me: dont advertise change Me: it gives the wrong impression Me: might make her think its superficial Me: uhhhHHh Me: stop being retarded at some point obviously Friend: tbh a big thing of being in your head too much Friend: is if you're not actually busy Friend: so try and do mre Friend: in the day Friend: tire yourself out Friend: budget your time bette Friend: r Friend: dont yolo days Me: i feel like being a moron and behaving irresponsibly for a bit is ok because this is the most painful shit ive gone through ever pretty much Friend: cus then you just think about shit you dont need to Friend: cus you've nothing better to do Me: yeh Me: plan shit Me: do things Me: make plans in advance etc etc Friend: that might help Me: i feel like Me: idk if im wrong abt this Me: but Me: i think it's okay to be a moron for a bit Friend: personally Friend: i mean it makes sense Me: obviously you're the fuckin logic sensei and all that Friend: but think of dota shitters who are like Friend: im 2k so i dont need to get dust Friend: cus at that point its ignorance after the fact Me: and, again: i'm actively referring to myself as a fuckin moron so i understand that this shit is just retarded Friend: like choosing the ignorance Friend: thats cool Me: but atm it feels like it's aight Friend: but like how i avoid saying sorry Friend: if you keep calling yourself a moron Friend: that word wont mean shit Me: it'll lose meaning yeh Friend: cus your brain will just go Me: i'll just say sth else lol Friend: ive called myself that for weeks Friend: /months Me: yeh Me: i get you Me: stops meaning anything Me: idk. maybe im just not ready to like Me: take the leap Friend: yeh see thats legit to accept Friend: things like that take some time Friend: some wisdom Me: yeah Friend: so you make the call when you think you're ready Friend: some people never are ready Friend: and need the push Friend: but give yourself a chance Friend: to figure it out yourself Me: i think i will know soon enough Friend: before you get pushed Me: yeah Me: i definitely needed the push Me: the breakup was a big push tbh Me: really shoved me in the deep of it Me: like i said Me: made me understand what i value and all that Friend: yeh thats something that sucks Friend: but its kinda nice to Friend: too* Me: yeh Me: bittersweet Friend: you def feel growth once you realise what you had Friend: after you loseit Friend: yeh Friend: you'll see things a little differently now Me: yeah Me: if things take off again with her Me: i'll understand better what i want and what she wants Me: the growth is a nice feeling despite all the shittiness Me: it's some what relieving i guess Me: to understand myself a little better Me: man my coworkers were constantly telling me to cover up the cuts today Me: felt kinda bad tbh Friend: it should Me: cause im not ashamed of them really Friend: you showing other people makes it their problem Friend: because you would rightfully say Friend: hey if you're a good person Friend: and you see someone in troble Friend: you'd help Friend: so you openly showing something wrong Friend: doesnt make it just a hraug problem Me: i guess that's true Friend: so its fine not to be ashamed Friend: but do it for the others around you Me: yeah Me: that's fair Me: i feel like its kind of important that Me: like Me: im not trying to show anything Me: does that make sense like Me: im not pulling up my sleeves as a cry for help im just trying to not get them dirty while i work Me: but i obviously understnad that people seeing that shit is gonna have some effect on them one way or another Me: im just kinda like Me: obviously its not as simple as saying "it's none of your business" but that's kind of how i feel anyways Me: cuz its not something that im trying to show Me: its not something i think people should worry about Me: because i dont worry about it Me: but maybe im just being ignorant Me: or sth Me: idk Friend: yeh you are Friend: just get some bandages and perma keep em on Friend: but again its just normal sadness that you're feeling its no different to a normal breakup, you should try for a week to not to cut or stuff Friend: cus its not a smart way to deal with sadness in general Friend: especially when its nowhere near as bad as just out right being rejected due to failure or anything else Me: thats true i guess Me: idk though. i feel like that argument just goes back to like Me: children in africa and all that shit Friend: yeh dw about that just think he this is how i feel in this situation Friend: so just try and understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling Friend: that'll help you tackle how you feel Friend: and in the future it will make sense Friend: you;ll see the same signs Friend: etc etc Me: yeah Me: i suppose Me: that is true. Me: dude im so drunk lmfao i was actually considering asking you if you wanted to see my cuts Me: lmfoashdjgk Me: complete retard over here Me: god damn Me: ugh Me: i think i need to sleep maybe Friend: lol well i understand why you'd say it Friend: it wont phase me Friend: but i wont condone it Me: nah Me: i get that Friend: yeh that's smart Me: im the same w that w other people Me: condoning is not good Me: but theres a difference between condoning and like Me: accepting Me: i guess? Friend: yeh Friend: but cutting is a last resort in my head Friend: so im surprised you jumped str8 there Friend: but again we're all diferent Friend: ff* Me: i Me: tried it at first Me: because i was kinda curious Me: wondered it if it'd do anything for me Me: cause i know some people that have done it and said it helped them cope Friend: yeh it def helps nodoubt Me: and i was curious cause i havent really found anything to cope Friend: but again Friend: in my head its a last resort Me: havent had any desire to play any games in the last week Me: which is my usual coping method Me: yeh Friend: i see Me: but we're all different Me: like you said Me: i gotta stop drinking Me: rofl Friend: hah Friend: ive heard that a trillion times Friend: its shameful Me: feels bad Me: feels kinda good Me: but it feels bad Friend: lol Friend: welcome to the drunk life Me: hahahha Me: yeh Me: im learning to drink through this actually Me: learning how to pace myself Friend: absinth was a tricky one for me Friend: hate the taste Me: never had it afaik Me: did my first tequila shot tonight Friend: you'll know when you taste it Friend: you cant taste anythign Me: shit was nasty Friend: but that Friend: you could lick a hobos ass Friend: and not taste anything Friend: but absinth Me: shit Me: is it as agressive as gin? Me: gin is fucking nasty Me: like eating the bark of an orange Friend: its like Friend: gin Friend: super saiyan steroids Friend: +10 Me: ugh Me: nvm then Friend: you gta try it Friend: if you do it Friend: have like a single shot Friend: as a first drink Me: how strong is it? Friend: so you can taste it and shit Me: yeh Friend: its the strongest there is i think Friend: like 60% Friend: something stupid Me: ohhh bitch Me: that is nasty Me: aight well Me: im gonna fucking Me: sleep Me: cheers for the chat dude Me: always a pleasure Friend: likewise Friend: nn dude

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