#its just weird cause i dont have much brain fog

[zeawesomebirdie]

Currently speedrunning the "accept you have a cognitive disability or draw 25 cards" game via physically recovering from a fatigue episode only to be unable to process words longer than a medium length text post :)

[ihaveforgortoomany]

Rambling about 2.2 again (ill gush later about 2.3 at some point)

Been a while, uni making the brain fog very hard to come up with anything so this is just speculation:

So my main current theory on Vertins mom, since it is all but explicitly said that Urd, Martha, Bessmert are the same person and most likely Vertins mom - shes a member or was a foundation member, more specifically a member of the White Marble House running the Foundation.

Evidence? The goddamn chair in her room, visually looks like white marble and her convo with Igor at the end, describing her walking into the White Marble House and something happening.

Why a member? Even high ranking officials like Constantine and even Lucy before 1.9 could not directly have contract with them, only through the doves. And yet Urd has that damn chair and seemingly walked into that one place elusive to everyone in the Foundation.

Vertin having some relation to the White Marble House seems plausible, even if she herself does not know it. The doves were the ones to give Lucy the correct pronunciation for the immunity ritual despite the fact that Esperanto is seemingly an unknown or rare language in this universe, plus the fact that in Book 4 they seemingly cause Constantine to back down from the bill and have been watching Vertin since. Maybe the House is the reason Vertin has weird freedom of movement and its seemingly being aided at critical points.

Back to Vertins mom, why did Sophia and Igor take her? I propose the idea that while wild and literally I have nothing to back up this yet, but Urd being the creator of the Storm, even if unintentionally. Far back in Book 2 we have been given the inclination that whatever the Storm is, it originated from the Foundation if Arcana can be trusted, and I think it is safe to rule out Zeno, Laplace and SPDM for now (idk Lorenz).

I think Vertin wasnt the main target this time around, she was Arcana's target, but I dont think Sophia's or Igor's in Sao Paulo, they wanted Nala and Urd (idk why Nala still), but easily they could have taken Vertin either in the medical clinic unconscious or used Nala to take her instead later on.

They alr had her in a hostage situation twice so why didnt they take Vertin unless she wasnt the target or fully knew Vertin was going to follow Urd - probably since back on the island Vertin probably did tell Sophia or she heard about it that she was looking for Urd. But then again Vertin was there and they didnt take her.

Whatever they wanted in Brazil excluding Nala they got it, signalled by them leaving Brazil to Antarctica.

2.3 didnt give much to add to this (well i enjoyed the ballet yuri there lmao) - so im hoping 2.4 gives us something to work with, either on Matilda or Vertin hopefully.

[haloburns]

yknow. i dont talk abt being disabled a lot on here past making jokes but like

i was gointhrough emails on my uni account and deleting a lot of things, and watching my condition raipdly get worse in spring of 2021 through those was surrel. like i remember most of it because of constant recounting to the doctor's (the amount of doctor's messages too is wild), but it's also so weird for me to read an email to my Chinese lang prof telling her I couldn't participate in class that day because brain fog was so bad even after sleeping all fucking day.

like, in my mind, i went from a normal able bodied person to pretty severely disabled over the course of two years. i told my other disabled friends i hurt all the time and theyre like "well how long has this been going on" and i was like "oh two years, but im thinking maybe more. but i dont have chronic pain, it just Happens To Me" and this was BEFORE i had a chronic fatigue crash that cemented CFS in my body as a real and present thing. now i have to contend with it every day, along with the complications its brings.

now, i've been dealing with chronic pain for. an inordinate amount of years now. i've been disabled MUCH longer than i've been aware. the further back i think, the more i realize i've hurt and i either didnt realize that wasnt normal or i told people and they brushed me off.

my knees hyperextend. they have my whole life. (i had to go back and find picture evidence of this because my mom didnt remember) this causes a lot of pain on my feet, and has at least since middle school. i didnt like playing outside bc it hurt and was exhausting, but everyone assumed it was bc i was a bookworm and fat. i remember sitting next to the older family friend i was at the zoo with because both of our feet hurt from walking. i was 10. she was 60.

and i just wonder... how much did my doctor not notice??? i went through precocious puberty and she was never concerned. i started puberty at 7, and got my first period at 9. i havent grown since age 11. my tits are massive for my height bc THEY didnt stop growing until i was 21. she never mentioned my knees bending back, but she did mention my back/posture being a little weird (not weird enough to FIX apparently. ps i have a small unnatural curve of my spine, not sure if its scoliosis or not). my mom constantly feels guilty bc no one noticed, but tbf i never brought it up. i never thought i was hyperflexible/double jointed but it turns out i AM which means i was just a dumbass adhd kid who assumed everyone was like that.

and like. my joints are causing more and more problems. i started having more problems after my surgery as a result of the stress on my body, who knows what's gonna happen now that ive had covid??

i hyperextended my middle finger in my sleep and now it hurts to use. my right hip hyperextends and possibly subluxes on the regular and i cant fix it. my shoulders are WAY more mobile than they used to be, and i can force my left shoulder out of its socket to some degree while laying on it. the tips of my fingers bend super far down and my thumb apparently "looks like rubber" bc of how far i can bend/wiggle it.

idk, i had a point but i lost it. being disabled is weird and surreal for me, and most days i dont mind bc it makes me the funniest person in any room, but some days it REALLY fucking sucks

[grenadineghost]

hello june >:) gimme your top 5, 56, 69, and 101!! (or just pick the ones that most appeal i know that’s a lot LOL)

YESS oh i love to talk about my music hehe

Mos Thoser by food house, Gupi, Fraxiom

i wasnt expecting this song to be this high up! i think its here bc its cheshire's theme song and according to spotify i listened to it the most in one day on the day i drew faer ref sheet. i love this song's like... revolving chaos. its such a fun hyperpop with this distinct motion to it? idk it bops! and is so fun for cheshire :3

2. Why Am I In This Room? by Soupy Garbage Juice

huh this was the year of metamorphosis! cause this is an emilie song! i LOVE the vibes here of like... your brain not functioning properly. and somehow the synths used are PERFECT for that feeling!! it's just such emilie vibes of this weird etheral world-distorting brain fog.

3. money machine by 100 gecs

fuck yeah. fuck yeah. gotta love the gecs. this is a LOT of characters to me tbh but i think i listened to it the most bc its a michiko song? i love the weird dreamy anger and hatred and violence in this song, its really powerful. songs that make me want to stab someone :3 it also doubles as an ella song and a claire song (though rip claire, idk if im gonna be able to post that story)

4. Sometimes by Nick Lutsko

was not expecting this to make the top 20, let alone top 5 tbh! but it bops! found it through stan's playlist for captain nat and listened to it while drawing her, then it became an annie song. it also is an awmittn song (story claire's from) so. rip that again. also my acting class read and watched and performed stuff from everybody by branden jacobs-jenkins and this went on my playlist for that, though i dont think i ever actually made it on spotify. a song with a thousand playlists...

5. If Day for Winnipeg by They Might Be Giants

this does not sound like the type of song thatd be in a top 5 list but its just. infectious. so weird and creepy and has this weird droning synth thats TERRIFYING. its this very weird haunted-children's-song-vibe-thing about terror and war and something implied to have gone Wrong and. this is all to say it's on annie's playlist ok

56. Alligator Sky - no rap version by Owl City

kira song kira song kira song!! havent actually listened in a while but its such a kira song to me hehe. and because i associate it with her it landed on my playlist for origin story, my playwriting final! listened to it a LOT while writing that. huh i should go back and revise that now that its had some time to settle in my mind. anyways. space and superheroes and freedom and flight and kira and powerpoint :3 where ecstasy becomes cavalier!

69. 4Blood by KIRA with Hatsune Miku

miku moment :3 honestly i dont associate this w many characters? its on my pluto playlist but might not always be, its just kinda there for fun kinda goth vibes. almost all my music conjures stories and characters and specific feelings for me but sometimes its just hatsune miku vampire. it genuinely does bop so hard though holy shit

101. Right to Die by AlicebanD

yes!! idk if i associate this with any characters that strongly but it def fits ella :3 anger and rage and despair.... i dont normally care that much about drums in music but aliceband songs are just. down to the drums everything is so powerful and moves me along and its so good! dark and ominous and angry :3 also fuck this was an awmittn song too. im never gonna stop talking about awmittn bittersweetly huh, its my white whale

[reidsnose]

Window

overview: reader accidentally falls out of a window while having a late night talk with spencer (loosely based on the song: home by edward shapre and the magnetic zeros)

genre: angst? FLUFF

warning: blood, head injury, hospital visit, overdramatic reader thinks shes dying

a/n: i really really dont know if yall will like this but i do and i think its cute so please lmk what u think ab it :)

masterlist

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Spencer knew it wasn't the safest thing in the world. you did too. but something about sitting on the outside window ledge together, talking and laughing, was far too tempting of an offer to pass up. and besides, it was just over 6 feet off of the ground! whats the worst that could happen?

and so you sat, shoulders smushed together so you could both fit. a blanket wrapped around you both, keeping the cool night air locked out. however, you were so close together (and so flushed) that even without the blanket you'd both still be warm.

you adored nights like this with him, thinking to yourself how you got lucky enough to call him your best friend. to anyone else, it was obvious you two were deeply yet obliviously, painfully in love. you watched as he retold a memory he had of the two of you, eyes widening and hands peeking through the blanket to gesture wildly with each sentence. though you were listening to the story, growing more and more fond of the memory now that it was being told from his perspective, you couldn't help but be distracted by him. his essence. his being. he was...intoxicating.

and then he cut to the punch line and looked to you for a reaction, watching beauty radiate from you as you threw your head back and laughed. he didn't even realize how funny it was until he saw how hard you were laughing. and then you snorted, which of course caused you to laugh more. with tears nearly coming out of your eyes, you wrapped your hands around your aching stomach, trying to control your laughter and completely forgetting that you needed your hands to keep you balanced on the window.

he took you in, a tranquility like no other filling his heart.

and then it happen.

in slow motion he watched you lose your balance, unable to catch his grasp as you fell towards the ground outside. fear coursed through his veins as he tried to calculate every possible out come. and then suddenly time was back to normal, and you were on the floor, a fresh cut on your head.

without missing a beat he jumped out after you, landing far more gracefully than you had.

you felt him lift your head into his lap, barely hearing his muffled words. you nodded when he asked if you could hear him for the fourth time. and then you felt some blood trickle down your face. and you did not do well with seeing your own blood.

that was it. you were gonna die. you never told him how you felt and you were going to die. you could even feel death pulling on your eyelids.

in reality, you had landed on your hip and your head hit a pointy rock. it felt like hell but medically you would be just fine. it looked a lot worse than it actually was, head injuries produce far more blood than other body parts.

spencer knew this as he peeled the cardigan off of his shoulders, bunching it up and applying pressure to your wound.

he picked you up bridal style, trying hard to cradle your head at the same time. he was beyond relieved at how relatively minor this was going to be. you would heal, and you would be ok. he got to his car and gently placed you in the passenger seat before running to the drivers side and taking off as fast as he possible could.

"Spencer," you rasped.

"don't talk very much right now. don't worry i'm going to get you to the hospital just stay awake for me you've probably got a concussion." he explained, looking over worriedly.

"im going to die." you told him, your brain feeling foggy from seeing your own blood.

"no you wont. i promise you wont die."

you went on telling him again and again how you would die and how the team shouldn't cry for you. and he patiently explained every time that you would be ok. and as he carried you into the ER you took one look at the cardigan that had rested against your forehead and convinced yourself 110% that you were on your death bed.

so it was now or never.

"Spencer before i die i want you to know that i love you. i always have. i just had to get it off my chest before i left this world with you still in it." you blurted as the doctors began to take you away.

he stood there, mouth agape at your confession.

"she is not going to die." one of the doctors reassured Spencer before turning on his heels and jogging to catch up with the rest of them.

it had to have been the loss of blood. or maybe a concussion fogged your thinking. or maybe he's in shock and he's hearing things. because there is no possible way that that just happened.

and so he sat in the waiting room for nearly an hour while they stitched up your head, nervously tapping his foot to match the pace of his racing thoughts.

he was thinking through every single moment the two of you had ever shared, wondering if-hoping that there was some truth to your confession, when they called out your name. he shot up faster than he ever had before, even getting a little light headed at the sudden quick stance.

he walked in to see you sitting up, drinking some apple juice that the nurses had brought you. and even then, in a hospital bed with half a dozen stitches in your forehead, you looked more beautiful than ever. he was astonished. absolutely astonished at just how radiant you were. your eyes twinkles as you smiled at him.

"so false alarm.. i didnt die." you joked, trying to hide your embarrassment, handing him a hospital issued jello.

"im so glad youre ok. you know i told you from the start we shouldnt have sat on the window," he chuckled, eyes feeling teary for a reason unknown to him.

"i know i know, you're always right." you giggled a little before wincing in pain from it.

his hand came up and lightly brushed your hair back, soothing you so much your eyes immediately fluttered closed. he had to bring it up, he had to know.

"did you mean it?" he asked.

you tried to control your heart rate while you played it dumb, "well yeah i really did think i was going to die."

"thats not what i meant."

"i know." you admitted. "yes. i meant it. i still mean it and if thats weird for you and you want to leave i completely understand-"

he cut you off by pressing his lips to your own, soft but passionate, tasting of jello.

it was a better profession of love than any speech he could try to make. because regardless of how many big words he used, it wouldn't be enough. not to mention that being around you makes his brain turn into mush, rendering it completely useless.

your heart rate monitor started going absolutely wild, beeping quickly and erratically. you both started laughing into the kiss, reluctantly pulling away. euphoria coursed through your veins, two lovesick bozos in the hospital.

you two talked for a little, buzzed from the kiss., smiling like a couple of idiots. but you were happy. sitting in the hospital with a cracked open head and you were still happy. because Spencer was there. and he makes you happy.

after talking to the doctor and a phone call with hotch, you were told to take two weeks off of work. spencer insisted that he go home early every day so he can come over and take care of you. and that was fiinnneee by you.

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ultra mega super cool taglist:

@mac99martin @imhreid @spencersmagic @hollydaisy23 @raelady1184 @a-broken-pact @padfootswife @hey-there-angels @star-stuff-in-the-cosmos @sonnydoesrandomshit @averyhotchner @laurakirsten0502 @reidyoulikeabook @rem-ariiana @spencerreid9 @vampire-overlord @takeyourleap-of-faith @s1utformgg @violetspoetic

[cuddlesslut]

Alrighty lets get started!! So i still really new to this so as to not overwhelm my self im going to try and stick to two charcters for now. I’m sorry if its not what your looking for. For the two im going to do my boys Suga and Daichi. Only because i just did Kuroo and  because im still trying to figure out how to write for Reon. I might however come back and write a part 2 with them. 

Prompt : Boys reacting to their tom boyish crushes all dolled up (Daichi & Suga)

just sayin i wrote this while drinking mojitos

P.S. this prompt reminds me of a series called Sinful Sweethearts by @thosenerdy3amthings​ so definitely go check that out!!

Warning: NSFW, FOUL LANGUAGE

Daichi Sawamura NSFW

you have know Daichi basically your whole life

growing up next to him your parents were very close which meant that you two were kept close together 

in fact until you made it to middle school and started playing volleyball for the girls team you had never had any other friends beside Diachi

so it was safe to say that growing up you were more on the boyish side

you were just more comfortable in sweats and baggy workout shorts than skirts. 

you even wore pants to school

even  highschool though you went to a different school Diachi stayed your closest friend you often finding yourself at the Karsuno practice after yours had ended.

 No matter how much your teammates fussed they couldnt convince you to ditch the large hoodies and sweats.

 You and Daichi always supported each other. you never missed his games and he never missed yours (as long as scheduling permited)

the third year boys often teased Diachi for his realtionship with you

“i dont know why yall dont just date already,” suga complained while daichi stated his usual reply “ shes my best friend you know its not like that” he huffs

Suga scowls “ first of all rude im supposed be your best friend, and second it cant be as just friends as you say when you get so protective when the seond years simp for her.”

“i just dont want her feeling weird around the team. you know Noya and Tanaka can be intense,” he explained

“still that doesnt acount for the way Y/N looks at you,” Asahi added to the convo

“what are you talking about Y/n doesnt look at me any special way, we’re just friends ,” daichi stated a little to forcefully almost as if he was convincing himself.

Suga and Asahi share a knowing look thinking about how their captain can be so dense. 

“any way are you ready for your  birthday party tomorrow night ,” Suga asked smiling brightly.

“i told you i dont need a party,” Daichi scolded for the fifth time today.

“ahh c’mon its not everyday you become an adult like the rest of us DI,”

finally admitiing defeat Diachi concluded the conversation.

...

it was finally the next day you were more nervous for this party than any volleyball game you had played.

and here you were standing in the tight black dress Suga with the help of your team, you should never wager against suga

Had convinced you to wear to diachis party tonight

still shell shocked you stood in front of the mirror of the bathroom Suga had chose.

It was weird to see yourself so girly

the black dress clung tight   to your body. leaving little the imagination.

Suga better be glad he won that bet

finally calming yourself you look around for your best friend

Finally catching sight of him Diachi stood with Suga and Asahi next to the bar of the club.

Suga was the first to recognize you a evil smirk hitting his face as he drew Diachis attention to you.

You couldnt help but notice how hot he looked in his button up and dark wash jeans, his shirt clinging so close to his chest.

he looked to damn good you thought as you bit your lip

little did you know the birthday boy was having an epiphany of this own

his eyes raked up and down you mind wandering 

had you always had such a great ass under those baggy sweats

“Happy Birthday Captain,” you teased.

Daichi took a sharp breath suddenly taken back by the way the title fell from your soft lips

all he could think about was how you would sound screaming that from under him.

lost in thought he missed the smirk his best friend had as Suga put his pan into motion

you stood there sway to the beat of the loud club music wanting to dance

“Y/n why dont you take the birthday boy for a dance,” 

you smiled before Diachi could protest saying how how he doesnt dance

you pulled him to the dance floor pushing your ass against him reaching up and wrapping your arms around his neck pulling him close to your body as you grinded to the beat

his hands found their place on your hips  

his cock twitched from the pressure of your ass in that short tight dress rubbing against his crotch

you were not helping his growing situation

bodies getting lost in the movement 

you looked up at the boy had been your best friend your whole life with one thought in you head

the same thought flashed into diachis brain

being bold he crashed his lips into yours 

Lost in the contact the kiss lasted forever getting more and more intense 

your not sure how you to got here

but here you were straddling Diachi in the back of his car

his lips sucking bruises into your neck, his large grabbing your ass as you bounced on his thick cock

“FUCK,” Daichi breathed heavily pulling you down into a sloppy kiss tongues exploring “ youre so tight come for me beautiful.”

“im so close Captain you moan feeling him stretch you.

thats it that one word flipped the switch for him he gripped tight on to your waist to hold you secure as he powerfully drilled his hips up into you.

hitting your spot deeper and with such accuracy you were both driven over the edge as you clinched tight around him pulling his release from him.

you both sat out of breath in the hot car, the widows fogged and the smell of sex stinging the air.

“happy birthday,” you said giving him a quick kiss.

he glanced at the watch on his wrist 

he smirked up to you “you know my birthday isnt over yet,” you smiled already liking where this was going. “lets head back to mine. I’m not done with you yet.” 

Koshi Sugawara Slight NSFW

He’s had a crush for you since the beginning of the school year

He thought you were the most adorable thing he’d seen 

with your sweaters that were  two sizes to big. (sweater paws)

You two became friends through a writing project. 

you too quickly hit it off you loving his wild humor 

its sometimes seemed like hed flirt with you but you figured it was just his personality and you were too shy to do anything

poor suga spent so much time flirting with you but you never paid it any attention so he figured you didnt view him that way and he was okay with that he just wanted to be your friend if nothing else.

and so thats how six months went by of being no more than friends

always returning Sugas simple firsts with a shy smile.

It wasnt until the celebratory party some random third year threw to congratulate the boys on making it to nationals

You sat at your best friend Kyioko’s house. 

This was the first party she was able to convince you to attend and she was making sure it counted.

there would be no big sweaters or jeans tonight 

tonight you were borrowing Kyiokos clothes. 

She dressed in a tight (favorite color) lace halter crop top with the lace exposing just the right amount of cleavage. and a pair of blaack shorts hugging your hips thighs on full display.

it wasnt what you were used to this being the most skin you had exposed to the public in years

thats coupled with the make up added to your face you almost didnt recognize yourself

it wasnt what you were used to and thats why when you reached the party and all eyes landed on you. you were slightly relieved that most of the people didnt recognize you.

it was almost exhilarating 

kind of like playing pretend.

like tonight you werent Y/N shy and closed off

you were a sexy and confident woman

that coupled with the shots you took with Kyioko. you found your new confidence 

thats why when you saw you long time crush and close friend Suga across the room you didnt hesitate to make your way over.

“No way is that Y/n” Daichi gasped causing Sugas attention to slip to where his best friend motioned. “wow i didnt expect to see her here,” Diachi let out with a low whistle.

Suga sucked in a sharp breath not prepared for the sight in front of him.

There you were making you way towards him throw the crowd. a smile on your face but it was hard for suga to focus on that smile when your whole body was on display for him. 

 His eyes trailed from down your figure taking all of the exposed skin that was normally hidden from him. 

the way the lace framed your stomach and cupped your breast. the cut into shirt showing him the most cleavage you had ever shown. moving his eyes down it was hard for him not to whimper at the site of your thighs

this man was entranced in your appearance. hed always thought you were the most beautiful even when you were covered head to toe, but seeing you like this it was hard not to drool.

And he wasnt the only one, Several guys had taken notice of you.

Some stopping you to ask if you were new,  cause there was no way’d theyd miss a hot babe like you at school. 

to which youd just roll your eyes keeping on your way to your target. 

feeling more and more emboldened by the attention you were receiving.

but these boys werent the ones you wanted

being the light weight you are you already had your eyes on your prize

go big or go home 

so you you strode right up to the vice captain

“ W- wow Y/n you look great,” Suga stuttered 

“thanks Suga,” you say placing your hand on his toned forearm

No turning back now the confidence was here to stay atleast for now

Suga took a deep breath as he took a turn being the shy one. not used to the aura you exuded. were you really the shy girl he knew. 

you moved closer enveloping him in a tight embrace

he could feel you tits press tight against him and he was trying not to focus on it not wanting to further anymore of the dirty thoughts crossing his mind

 staying close next to Suga you continued your flirtatious assault

dishing back all the flirts you had held back over the months

Finally the straw broke when one of your favorite club songs played through the crowed house and you pulled him close to dance with you.

“c’mon Koshi dont be so timid,” you teased. 

Suga wasnt sure if it was hearing his given name grace your beautiful lips or the facts that you had pressed your ass against his crotch moving seductively to the music but he snapped. 

Suga placed his hands tight to your hips pulling you closer to him not caring if you felt the growing bulge in his pants.

leaning down “you know if you wanted my attention you didnt have to dress so damn sexy. now i have to deal with all these vultures looking at you,” he whispered his breath hot on your ear.

you turned around wrapping your arms around his neck leaning even closer, 

“then why dont we go somewhere private then we wont have to worry about who’s looking,” you smirked heart racing

“i couldnt have said it better,” Suga said leading you out of the busy room ready to have you to himself. 

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Sorry It took so long to write all my work got deleted and I had to start over! I hope you enjoy it 🍵 Anon!!! 💕💕 @🍵anon

Taglist: @emiyummy @insomniish

[flockofdoves]

a lot of times its obvious and there are differences and on the other hand maybe i shouldnt lean too much into finding clear divides between some of these things (but having at least some semblance of it is helpful for immediate awareness of myself and knowing how to make things better) but god its so weird when its just like. is this brain fog from cfs stuff. is it more directly from ed stuff or did i do ok with that today. and those in the end are pretty similar even if it would help to know i’m doing ok with eating or not. but more weird is days where i’m like. is this dissociation or is this brain fog. like a lot of the time thats so obvious but its really weird where i’m just very out of it in a way that i don’t even have a grasp on. and i guess also that maybe its not always sensible to distinguish bc like well. fibro/cfs symptoms can be psychogenic. clearly distinguishing body vs mind is probably not helpful esp when how that distinction being made clear cut so often leads to harm for ppl with issues like mine. but at the same time like. would love to know why this is happening and maybe get some semblance of an idea for how much i can try to snap myself out of this maybe or if i’m just gonna have to deal with it today. i guess even figuring out some clear cause wouldnt necessarily help that bc i cant just snap out of dissociating so often either. idk i’m just ventingplease dont judge the way i’m approaching stuff rn lol. also just so stupid bc if this is most immediately an emotional reaction like. yeah i was stressed about something earlier but it was a tiny school thing that got resolved now. is that really all that lead to this lol. but when i really try to force myself i think there was some other stuff earlier today that genuinely was triggering but i didnt really immediately have that alarm me?? it just like. seeped in and made me feel gross under the surface before i got stressed about totally inconsequential normal every day stuff on top of that. i just am maybe not great with being aware of anything going on within myself i dont even know

[phasesintime]

please dont get sick :(

Oh shdbhds ok, my disability doesn’t compromise my ability to fight viruses I’m not at risk sorry if i worded it weird ahh, ok it’s more like i’m cooped up because prolonged exposure to things like glare from the sun give me attacks, my condition is hemipeligic migraine with status migrainosis  which i explain to people as, imagine having a never ending migraine complete with brain fog, hallucinations and pain, but then sometimes i get migraines on top of that migraine and they pile up so much that the activity in my brain causes basically what looks like a stroke. I loose mobility on one half of my body, cant talk, and have very bad pain. I have to go to the hospital every episode so that they  can reverse it or else it goes away and comes back over and over.

 its an annoying thing to live with but it means i’m not in danger from the corona virus, i’m not on any meds that decrease my response either. 

so that’s the most about my health, i dont mean this as bohoo me or anything i just like to be outspoken because i know HM (hemipeligic migraine) is rare and people should know about it and what it does. it effects my daily life and  definitely my upload schedule is entirely dictated by it so LOL i felt it was important to open up, also didnt want to be cryptic and make all of you scared

[every-captain]

I have been having a lot of leg swelling and pain lately, as well as some occasional dizziness and general feel-badness, and it has been causing me mounting concern since it's been going on for like a month now. I've been doing everything I know how to do to get the swelling in my legs under control without much success, and things have just been getting worse.

Had the worst panic attack of my life yesterday and ended up making my father in law take me to the emergency room. Doctor says he thinks I'm fine and it's probably just symptoms of really bad anxiety.

It definitely could be. I dont think I've been constantly anxious like this before, and even dizziness and fluid retention can be worsened or caused by stress. And its like, theres NO way for me to escape stress any more than I have been.

So I guess I'm just like this now? Constantly having to manage pain in my legs and dizziness and swelling and weird brain fog while also trying to do school and send a thousand emails for unemployment and fafsa and whatever the fuck else, and trying to get commission work and then doing said commission work, being upset and paranoid about COVID and also trying to stay present and aware of current events, and trying to make sure I'm present and available for my partner too...

Unsurprisingly that all causes MORE stress which could explain why my issues have been steadily increasing. If they are caused by anxiety and stress, and my anxiety and stress are increasing because of symptoms of anxiety... I mean that's fucking bullshit. I feel like an entire garbage can.

If I have to sit around wondering if I'm having a heart attack and dying or if its just a panic attack ONE MORE TIME I'm throwing in the fucking towel.

[gooeyguy]

email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk.  And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

 I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

 Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering)  talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony.  If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.  

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am  in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.  

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)

[wyrmsandrocs]

all the ocean asks!! u can skip any that r uncomf

pearl: if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?- Hm, i really want to do a trip to see the historical stuff on the US east coast, I’d also really like to go see ruins in Rome and Greece. Aside from historical interests I just…really want to be in Oregon right now

sails: describe your perfect partner. - Someone I love who loves me too

lighthouse: how much makeup do you wear? - I usually do white or black winged eyeliner, silver + whatever my colour for the day is eyeshadow, lots and lots of mascara, and some lipstick, usually non natural colours like purple, green, or just like pastel pink. Even if i decide to forgo my eye makeup im usually wearing lipstick

shells: would you prefer to be a vampire or a werewolf? - tbh a vampire cause then I would have eternity to figure out who Agent 355 was

mermaid: most embarrassing moment? - Hoo boi okay sO. One time many years ago I was a 10 year old girl on quotev. I really really liked one direction. I clicked something I probably shouldn’t have seen because of quotevs lack of an sfw/nsfw rating system. I read a lot of these because I was confused as to what they were. Instead of forgetting all about them and deleting my account like a sane person, I sent them to my best friend at the time to get /her/ to read them. Instead of asking questions abt why the hell i was reading this shit, she found way worse and kinky ones. I was horrified. I didn’t know how to delete my web history. My dad almost found the links like 20 times

turquoise: weirdest dream you’ve ever had? - The dream where my subconscious tried to tell me i was gayyyyy. It was, again, years ago, and I thought I was straight. I had just made up my first ocs cause I was doin NaNoWriMo for the first time (spoiler alert, I made it to 50,000) and i had this dream where I met and then fell in love with my oc who was super pretty and i refused to believe I was a lesbian i just chalked it up to my sleeping brain being weird

waves: favourite season and why? - Autumn and Winter are my faves because there’s rain.

breakers: would you ever consider getting married? - Yes, definitely, but gdi why isn’t poly marriage legal yet

seafoam: describe your ideal summer vacation. - Ignore summer all together and continue school where it’s rainy

rain: if it were possible, what exotic animal would you keep as a pet? - Omg a Fennec they are my favourite little animals they are so cute. My first original story that i actually wrote down and still have was about Fennecs

sunlight: least favourite song? - The Sans version of Stronger than you

marine: would you ever consider plastic surgery? - Probably not i’m ot the hugest fan of surgery at all

sea glass: what do you consider to be your best physical feature? - Man I really love my eyes i have sectoral heterochromia so my eyes are green with stripes of deep brown.

storm: do you like piercings and tattoos? Why or why not? - I really do like them, but i probably wouldnt get any more piercings than I have, I have two on each ear, but I wear a fake nose ring cause it’s pretty. I dont love the idea of getting a tattoo cause owww im a wimp also needles are not good.

boardwalk: who is your favourite fictional couple? - I really love Wylan and Jesper from Six of Crows, also lotsa ships from other stuff but right now I’m loving my children, Aria and Sitara. My smol gay witch daughters

coral: if you had to describe your personality as a food, what would you be and why? - Super dark chocolate that gives you a headache but is also really great. I’m known for giving people headaches lmao not really. Idk why it just seems right, like I may seem sweet and nice but i am actually like the most bitter person. Or sea salt caramel. I am like super salty and bitter save me lmao

nymph: old-fashioned or modern decor? - buddy old fashioned decor is the shit 

seawater: scariest movie you’ve ever watched? - Okay it’s really stupid but Dot and the Red Kangaroo scared the /fuck/ out of me as a little kid the bunyip song was terrifying. I don’t really watch scary movies tho

siren: in a fantasy setting, would you be a warrior, rogue or mage? - Maaaaaage

tempest: your favourite Pokemon? - Eevee or Vaporeon. I also really love Vulpix

tropic: what is your least favourite thing about your appearance? - I’m p self conscious abt being not a small person height or weight wise. I used to always want to be a lot smaller so that I could just kind of disappear but recently i’ve just decided that if people are gonna notice me, they are gonna notice that i’m beautiful. It’s actually really helped my confidence which is kinda weird but i’m really glad for it

aquamarine: describe your dream date. - Staying at home watching musicals and drinking hot coco in the middle of a storm

brine: gold or silver? - Silver

tidal: what is a colour that best describes your personality? - I actually really like pinks and reds and how quickly a pink can merge to a more red colour. They both stand for love, but red is also anger

azure: what is something that you do that makes you happy? - Writing honestly. Also like i really enjoy school and learning about history and languages

fog: describe where you think you’ll be in five years. - Hopefully well into college by then, I’m still in highschool but I’m gonna add college english in the fall.

coastline: what is your favourite flower? - Violets. I really like the smell of jasmine or orange blossoms

shallows: what is your typical Starbucks order? - Venti Java Chip Frappuccino idk how to spell that tho

voyage: what are your favourite names? - I really like names related to the sea like Mara

shipwreck: do you have an OC? If so, describe them. - Okay I’m gonna tell ya abt Aria and Sitara.  Aria is a Hellenic polytheist who leans toward tarot and sigils rather than actual spell work. She’s pan and loves her gf v v much. Her parents were shit and she had to leave home as soon as she could. Her parents gave her the name Megan but she really hated it so she gos by Aria. She doesn’t really know all of her parents lineage but her mother was of middle eastern descent way back in the family that no one really remembers. She doesnt want to find out and prefers looking to the future. Sitara is an atheist and has a more traditional path. Shes bi and attractd to nb peeps and women but not men, she’s also polyam which shes v v happy her gf accepts. Her parents were better but they fell out of contact a while ago. Despite not believing in Aria’s deities, she lets her worship on her own and doesnt bother her. They met in an art store, both needing to get red ribbon for a love spell. Bonus: Aria means song and Sitara means poem

cerulean: do you believe in true love? - I do, but not just the romantic kind. I think that true platonic love is also super important.

shoreline: if you could become fluent in another language, which would you pick and why? - French because I’m trying to learn it rn and it’s a royal pain. Eventually I want to learn all the Latin based languages

tsunami: describe a dream outfit of yours. - Someday I’m gonna get cute heeled boots and wear them with tights and a skirt and like a flowy long sleeve black shirt I have and do all purple makeup this will happen someday

riptide: are you introverted or extroverted? Are you happy with this? - I’m somewhere in the middle. I love talking to my friends and like that but its also really nice to just shut down skype and tumblr and read a book, yknow?

hurricane: describe a strange habit of yours. - I tend to carefully chack all the walls and corners of a room while I’m entering it, like just look around and check for anything weird, even if I’ve been there a lot. This happens with places that feel specific ways tho, like they just have suspicious energy.

Ty so much for asking, friend! ^u^