#its just the usual chronic health bullshit and etc etc etc

[zeawesomebirdie]

I know I keep saying this but I am genuinely loving this whole being so sick all I can do is write thing, I got like 800ish words on this zero draft in like 30 minutes and I would have written more if I didn't have to go to an appointment now

[cakemagemaeve]

Lately I've been thinking about how I'll be 38 in a month, and yet my one and only relationship was in high school and it lasted about a month. She cheated on me the entire time, but wouldn't even kiss me because she "didn't want to rush me." Six months afterwards, she invited me to her wedding to one of the people she'd been cheating on me with. No one's so much as asked me on a date since, not even when I was in college, buff, and active in the GSA. Every girl I've liked ended up in serious relationships before I got the nerve to ask any of them out. After my health started its major downturn around 2007-ish and my daily pain levels started to skyrocket, I pretty much gave up on looking for romance altogether.

It's not that I don't want to be in a relationship! I would very much love to have a girlfriend, and have even considered trying out a dating service or two, but like. I'm a chronically ill, autistic/ADHD/OCD/bipolar/etc. 38-year-old virgin nerd who lives with her parents and is usually too sick to leave the house more than a couple times a week. Even then it's usually just for doctor's visits and/or trips to the grocery store that sometimes take days for me to recover from! My social battery runs out quick and takes ages to recharge. I'm both touch-starved and touch-repulsed. My only income is my monthly disability payment of a whopping $609 USD plus whatever I can get from selling shit on eBay. My parents and I live in one of my grandfather's shitty old rental homes that he had built on the ultra-cheap and which is now kind of falling apart and smells of cats and the swamp.

Seriously, what could I possibly have to offer anyone? What sensible woman would waste her time on a pathetic gross loser like me? Frankly, I don't think I deserve to be in a relationship. It would be incredibly selfish of me to ask a woman to put up with all of my bullshit. I need to just accept that I'm going to die alone and that's okay.

[cavalryofwoah]

So y’know how the experiences of various groups overlap? Like how trans guys and butch lesbians have a lot in common, and can relate through similar experiences and feelings, but don't overlap completely? This is one of those things, where, as usual, fatphobia hits everyone across all identity spectrums. Medical community fatphobia is its whole own brand of bullshit. I know transphobia adds an extra awful component to that.

Anyway not to set aside from the original super good message for trans people, but this happened to me, too, and I want to give others some hope if I can. As usual, no one is uneffected by dominant culture bullshit, etc.

I'm a cis woman, and after about a decade of wanting one, I managed to get a breast reduction in college. Part of the reason I picked my college system was their student health insurance. I planned this for YEARS. Once I got a doctor to agree that it was a "medically necessary" procedure for my chronic pain and quality of life, I got a referral to see a plastic surgeon. Waited ages to get an appointment.

And the Dr dude was... I don't know, he was good at his job, I guess. He straight up started drawing the suture pattern of the surgery on the medical chair paper to help explain it. But he ended it by telling me he wouldn't do the surgery until I lost weight, and I should make another consultation appointment for a few months later and focus on losing weight in the meantime. The fact that I had trouble exercising because of the source of my problem apparently did not matter. I believe he suggested I eat open-faced sandwiches instead of full ones to cut my bread consumption calories. This was during the Fall of 2020, the hell year from mega hell, so all my normal activity of just existing going places, working in person, walking around a campus from building to building, all gone due to lockdown. Also, half the state was actively on fire, and the air quality was so bad that it gave me long-term asthma. I couldn't just exercise it away.

Anyway I left and cried cause I planned this for years, got to the first steps, suffered feeling uncomfortable having a strange man feel up my chest (I had a person with me in the room). And he just said I was too fat, come back when I was skinny.

So I found a different surgeon.

And she said, ok, yeah it would make healing and the scars a little easier if I had less fat, but with the effect it has on me, waiting to possibly lose weight is stupid. She scheduled the surgery, and said if I could safely lose a few lbs between the consultation and the surgery, it would be better, but no matter what the show would go on.

Still not an ideal attitude, but at least she wasn't denying me medical care.

That's what it is! When a medical professional refuses to listen to your thoughts about your body, and says they won't help you with medical treatment because of your weight, they are, say it with me:

Denying you medical care.

Doctors are experts that YOU HIRE to do a service for you. If they do not listen to you, if they refuse you proper care, if they make unilateral decisions about your body without your input, etc, GET A NEW DOCTOR. Don't pay someone to treat you badly and discourage you from getting actual help.

Don't let anyone, esp medical professionals, convince you that you are too fat to get the care you deserve, whether it's emergency or ""elective"" procedures.

Fat people CAN get top surgery/breast reductions. Don't let assholes get you down saying it's impossible. Find a better doctor.

i need all fat people who want top surgery to know you are not too fat for top surgery. a competent surgeon and anesthesiologist team will make things work for you regardless of your size. if one doctor gives you shit about your weight or bmi or outright refuses to operate on you, get a second opinion. go to a second doctor. go to a third doctor. go to a million doctors until you get what you want. the dual combo of fatphobia and transphobia in medicine cannot keep us down. you do not need to be skinny to change your body how you want to change it. you do not need to be skinny for top surgery.

[a-scummy-hybrid]

Some of the things i hate about Post-Covid

This photo is gonna act as a blocker to not give anyone any anxieties or whatever.

Random "heart hiccup" which im pretty sure is a heart palpitation (i've felt these before but never knew what they were, they werent as common and they still arent as common with P-C now, or at least, seem to depend upon whats happening or whatever, but when it does happen, its a little... blegh, I dont like it, its not painful, its like having the wind be knocked out of you or something).

Shortness of Breath, this sensation usually like... appears where it feels like my nose is stuffy or even not stuffy in the slightest. I hate this one the most because it happens when im sitting down and its just like... wow, annoying.

Soreness/Pains in certain parts of the body, this isn't as common as it use to be a couple of weeks ago (as in one or two weeks ago), but when they do happen, its like "wow... this hurts but ive gotta pull through."

Random Nausea Event, this one comes out of nowhere, its not followed by dizziness or whatever, but its just sorta like, it happens, my best guess is that this could be due to me not having eaten anything yet or if its actually P-C related, still, annoying when it does.

Feeling like... i am unable to move as quickly, although tbh this may be due in part due to my weight/fit or something, I can't exercise to the fullest (mainly because i fear that i may pass out), i really wanna get rid of my gut, but still keep some of my tummy. Although sometimes, this does happen when im out and about trying to keep up my pace with someone. So i have to keep my pace.

Random Migraine, this one seems to happen rarely now, although does rear its ugly head in like a teacher not trusting their students to stay behaved or whatever.

Randomly coughing & the sensation of a phlegm, yeah, chronic cough aint fun, additionally having some... weird phlegm (for me, it looks like a clear large microorganism?) Its really strange, and i tend to hate it.

Potentially other symptoms im forgetting about, but I guess it would be things like the rare brain fog, joint pain, muscle pain like the chest hurting (yes i did go to the emergency room for that one and the results were clean, as in, I didn't have any heart problems), etc. And i think thats about it? Regardless, i feel like the best way to describe Post-Covid is the Biten Status Effect from Terraria Calamity (before the patch that basically nerfed said debuff so that it wasn't annoying to deal with), where you have one specific ailment that negatively effects you but overtime you just randomly get inflicted with random debuffs. Either that or its like a revolving door, with a bunch of people going in and leaving, either staying in the lobby with the revolving door or just leaving, either getting stuck inside or something. Anyways... I just wanted to vent about this as i deal with this bullshit. I am walking around for at least 2 hours per day so that i can keep my health up but i really do wanna exercise at some point, i really do wish there was an easier way to like... get rid of some of my belly fat. Only problem is i like my belly, but if i want to lose my weight (as I use to weigh a lot less than i use to, but due to being neglectful around at a certain point in my life, I added some to me, and i would really like to lose said pound). Anyways, thanks for reading this, if you did take the time to do so.

[pomeqraniqht]

Random Character Development Questions meme: ALL OF THEM for Sofia (revenge!!)

001. When is their birthday?      June 5th.  002. Do they do anything to celebrate their birthday?      Depending on the verse she’ll go out with her friends or her Aunt will take her on a vacation or something.  003. Does your character like coffee better, or tea?      Sofia likes both equally, tea more in Autumn though for some odd reason.  004. Do they prefer being alone or with others?      Sofia does NOT do well on her own AT ALL. She definitely needs a healthy ecosystem of people to survive.  005. Are they in good health?      Sofia under-eats at times and others she starves herself to fill her mother’s outlandish ideas for body image. So no, she isn’t.  006. What sense do they most rely on?      People’s approval.. whether it is at work or in relationships.  007. Is your character an optimist or a pessimist?      Both at times it depends on which mind-set she is in.  008. What is their favorite fairy tale?      Cinderella.  009. Do they believe in happy endings?      Yes even if time and again she’s been proven they aren’t real.  010. Do they believe in love at first sight?      Yes and no. Sofia’s so hateful to herself she believes in it for everyone else EXCEPT herself.  011. How would your character court the person of their dreams?      Carefully and with love, Sofia would honestly do anything and be anything for them.  012. What makes your character embarrassed?      LITERALLY EVERYTHING! 013. Have they ever been bullied or teased?      Too many times in her life.  014. Detail one secret shame your character feels.      Sofia hates her stretch marks and wishes she could have them removed forever. 015. Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue?      Fists. She’s tiny but mighty! 016. What is their choice of weapon?      Whatever is the closest option? 017. When does your character think that violence is justified or deserved?      When someone is trying to hurt someone they love/robbery/self defense. 018. Your character wakes up to find that war has been declared. What do they do?      Cry. 019. If they could have a superpower, what would they choose?      Invisibility. 020. What are their hobbies?      Sofia enjoys reading, listening to music, baking/cooking, swimming, and buying face masks. 021. How do they display affection?      Cooking food and sweets for the ones she loves. 022. What is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen?      Verse dependent as par usual but for this one I would say: the forest they got married, Roman, Stella, and Rusty the day he was discharged 90 days sober. 023. What do they consider beautiful in others physically?      Eyes...and tattoos. 024. What do they consider ugly in others physically?      Nothing! Sofia finds everyone beautiful (but honestly it’s dental hygiene.) 025. What do they consider beautiful in others personality-wise?      Kindness and understanding. 026. What do they consider ugly in others personality-wise?      Hatred. 027. What is their idea of perfect happiness?      Eating sweets without gaining weight with the person she loves. 028. What makes them laugh out loud?      Tickles. She’s extremely ticklish. 029. What sort of sense of humor does your character have?      Sweet and dark. 030. Do they believe in the afterlife?      Yes, she visits her father’s grave often and speaks to him. 031. Are they superstitious about anything?      Breaking mirrors and Friday the 13th. 032. Does your character believe in ghosts?      Yes. 033. Do they keep their promises?      Yes. 034. What’s their view of lying?      Death penalty. 035. What is the most important rule your character lives by?      Treat others how you wish to be treated. 036. How honorable is your character?      Extremely unless she’s in the shower or bathtub with a certain someone. 037. If your character saw someone drop a large sum of money and knew that they could probably take it without anyone noticing, what would they do?      Absolutely not!  038. What bad habits do they have?      Weighing herself constantly and hiding beneath baggy clothes. 039. What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person?      Cheating. 040. What is their obsession?      Face skin care. 041. Are they comfortable with technology?      Yes. 042. What is their greatest achievement?      Graduating college with a teaching degree. 043. What will they stand up for?      Justice for abuse victims. 044. What disgusts them?      Worms. 045. Does your character have any chronic medical conditions?      No. 046. How do they handle getting sick?      Not well, she’s a little bit of a baby. 047. What was the last medical problem your character had?      On record/cannon it was a car accident while she was about 7 months pregnant with her second child. 048. Do they have any allergies?      Yes, to Bullshit.  049. How does your character feel about growing old?      Indifferent. 050. How does your character feel about their own mortality?      Everyday is a blessing.  051. If they knew they would die tomorrow, what would they do today?      Go find Rusty Parker and spend every minute with him telling him to be happy, to stay away from drugs, and to be strong for their kids.  052. What is your character’s worst flaw?      Her insecurities.  053. What is your character’s greatest strength?      Her cooking skill. 054. Does your character want power or authority of any kind?      No. 055. Is your character an introvert or an extrovert?      She’s an introvert but with her friends she’s a happy medium. 056. Has your character ever struck someone in anger?      Yes. 057. Has your character ever killed anyone?      Not yet. 058. What is your character’s idea of a perfect day?      Pancakes and sex. 059. List several phrases your character is fond of uttering. Where did they pick them up?      ‘Goodness me, oh my god, are you serious? Baby...and c’mere’ - several places. 060. What is your character’s attitude toward education and learning?      If you want a better life a degree certainly helps but education should NOT cost you your life to be able to afford it.  061. Does your character prefer adventure or safety and security?      A healthy dosage of both. 062. What sort of legacy does your character wish to leave behind?      A kind one.  063. How well does your character handle difficult people?      Not well.  064. In what ways does your character annoy others?      Constantly needing he be reassured she’s wanted. 065. Is your character better at leading or following? Which do they prefer?      Neither? She just wants to let someone else handle it all. 066. Does your character prefer city life or being out in nature?      Out in nature. 067. Does your character believe in fate or destiny?      Both, extremely so.  068. How strong is your character’s sense of responsibility? What kinds of things trigger it?      Sofia is extremely responsible, she loves kids and wants a big family some day. Her job, her aunt, her relationships.  069. What about your character is heroic?      She’s a survivor of mental and physical abuse. 070. What about your character is cowardly?      She won’t acknowledge her eating problems.  071. How kind is your character?      Would rip her heart out and give it to someone if they needed it.  072. In a Dungeons & Dragons game, which class would your character be? (wizard, fighter, bard, priest, ranger, etc.)      A wizard, duh. She’s magic.  073. In a novel, what plot role would your character fill? (hero, anti-hero, sidekick, villain, etc.)      The main character.  074. What is your character’s favorite game?      Monopoly. 075. Is your character ticklish?      EXTREMELY! 076. How do they express anger?      Tears and yelling.  077. How often do they cry? Over what?      1 week out of the month and literally anything.  078. How emotionally stable is your character?      Depends on the day, we’re either 2009 Britney or Kamala Harris.. it’s never in the middle.  079. How easy is it for them to read the emotions of others?      Good and bad sometimes. 080. How easy is it for others to read your character’s emotions?      It’s like a two way mirror.  081. Is your character religious?      No. 082. What are your character’s sleeping preferences?      All the time.  083. What is the first thing they say and/or do when they wake up?      Go potty and brush their teeth. 084. Describe your character in one word.      sunshine.  085. Describe your character in three words.      Sweet, soft, adorable.  086. How would your character describe themself in one word?      Ugly. 087. How would your character describe themself in three words?      Smart, fat, awkward. 088. Is your character quiet or loud?      Yes. 089. How vocally expressive is your character?      Very. 090. How bodily expressive is your character?      Not at all. 091. What type of music does your character like?      Literally anything.  092. What emotion does your character evoke in others?      Happiness? I think?  093. What is your character’s goal in life?      To be a professor at a college.  094. Name three things most would not expect your character to be able to know.      How to deliver a baby, how to do stitches, and how to bake a turkey.  095. Name three things most would not expect your character to be able to do.      Fix a broken boy, kill her mother, and have a baby without pain medicine.  096. How do they move and carry themselves? What energy do they project?     Sofia’s a shy little bean who honestly just walks around smiling even when she’s broken inside.  097. How well do they adapt to change?      It takes her a long time to get used to somethings but others its easy.  098. Does your character like animals?      Yes! 099. Do they talk to inanimate objects?      Absolutely.  100. Does your character dream? If so, what do they dream about?      the happily ever after.

[pythosart]

A big ol 2019 end of the year update

I felt somewhat compelled to write my end of the year/decade thoughts, but a warning before you read: This one’s going to be heavy, intensely personal, and long. If you don’t feel up to reading that, it may be best to skip it. I promise I’ll go back to shutting up and posting art afterwards. I’m profoundly incapable of being concise, ever, so apologies for the length of this.

2019 was a nightmare.

Some background: In mid 2016, my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of liver cancer. She was given a few months to live. She was given weeks or months to live multiple times, for almost three years. In that time my mom was in and out of the hospital, but spent all her good days living life to the fullest, starting and finishing dream projects, and keeping all of us going despite her own situation. Even when she was bedridden, hooked up to tubes and bags and god knows what, she found time to prop up her loved ones and pursue her hobbies. She even managed to develop new hobbies and interests while otherwise imprisoned by her physical state, something I struggle to do at the best of times even in my young and relatively healthy form. If there’s anything I can make of this experience, it’s that I hope to grow into even half the woman my mother was.

I ended 2018 with my final quarter at SCAD. I spent the entire quarter terrified my mom was going to die while I was away from home. It was horrific, I barely scraped by my last few classes (bless my professors’ endless patience), and immediately left Savannah for home as soon as the quarter was up. I never had room to celebrate finishing college. Any other year it would be a huge milestone, but I barely even care.

This past May, my mother passed away, after three years of petrifying suspense. It happened in the dead middle of the night, while my best friend was visiting for a con, and it still feels like a bad dream. It’s also one of the only vivid memories I even have of this year. 

I wish I had more to say on that, but I genuinely think the drawn out suffering and fracturing of my whole world left me unable to fully unpack everything that’s happened. It’s hard to even think about for long, and at times I even half-forget she’s gone. I think of things I want to show her, or tell her, or cook with her. Just the other day I kept thinking I’d tell her how much I liked endive after she showed me how to make it. I found a historical Italian cooking channel that, every time I see it, I just think of how much she’d love it. I knew she’d love Hot Fuzz but never got to show her. Little, stupid things that shouldn’t matter, but they do. They just do.

My mother and I were close, much closer than I am with my dad. Especially towards the end of her life, we had gotten closer, and I felt like I was only just really getting to know her as an equal. I still want to share my life with her, but that chance is gone.

This holiday season has been especially rough in her absence, because not only was my mom the motivational and creative force behind a lot of holiday activities here, it’s the first everything without her. We had Thanksgiving with friends and a catered dinner, instead of spending several days cooking and polishing family silver and setting the table. I won’t be making handmade tortellini with her for Christmas like we did every year. It’s the little things like that.

We’re a tiny family, with over half of us in Italy and lacking much communication due to the language barrier. Family holidays were always small, but there’s just a huge hole how, much greater than the cold numeric value of “one fewer participant.” My mom was always a driving force and a keystone in our support networks, not to mention the main line of contact with the Italian-speaking side of the family, so now the family feels so much more scattered and isolated than ever.

My girlfriend was close to my mother too, and as she’s been living with me for years now and is practically part of the family, I think she took it just as hard as anyone. Cel saw everything I did, and dealt with many of the same uncertainties and traumatic experiences I did.

A month after I lost my mother, I lost my cat too. Galileo was twelve years old, a spry old man who yelled instead of meowed, and just a wonderful cat. I got him when I was in 7th grade, after begging my parents for years to get me a cat. It was my mom who eventually overrode my dad’s hesitations, and from then on Leo was part of the family. He went through a very sudden decline over the course of a week or two, and we learned it was cancer. Feline lymphoma, I think. I had to make the call to put him to sleep, and it ripped what was left of my heart out.

Not that it needs stating, but fuck cancer.

A few too-short months later, I cut ties with a “friend,” which despite how fucking much it hurt, was really for the best. At a certain point one simply can no longer afford to waste energy on a certain kind of person. Unfortunately I’m a persistently optimistic idiot, and it took me too long to cut my losses before deep damage was done. Done to me, my close friends, and even barely involved acquaintances this “friend” dumped on relentlessly and tried to harass into spying on me. Really, if any part of this is unforgivable, it’s that.

All this was, however, a valuable reminder that it’s no good to have any tolerance for habitually dishonest people, even if they think they’re doing it to look “nice.” Chronic liars will gaslight you whether they know it or not, and trying to navigate that in an already damaged mental state is inadvisable. It was an important lesson in picking one’s battles, albeit one learned too late. I’m still holding out hope I can find it in my heart to forgive this person, if only for my own selfish sake so I can move on. I have a lot of experience living on spite, and I don’t want to make a further habit of it.

Naturally all of the above did little to curb my already inflamed pessimism about the state of my country and the world at large, but I need not expand on that, I imagine.

I suppose it would be unfair of me to leave it all at that and only mention the negative, though admittedly positivity is hard to muster these days. A few bright spots of note:

Graduated from SCAD with my BFA in Sequential Art (technically last year, but I did the ceremonial bit this year)

Tabled at Animazement with Woods. We barely broke even, but it was a great time and I plan on doing it again in the new year.

Spent literally an entire month hanging out with my two best friends, which was amazing and exactly the kind of healing experience I needed around that time of year.

Properly did Halloween for the first time in years. I made a costume I’m proud of and we went out on the town… for like an hour, because it promptly started pouring. But fun nevertheless

Started therapy. As of writing this, I’ve only had an introductory session, but it’s a start. Should have started six months ago, but didn’t for reasons to be addressed...in therapy

Started volunteering at the local natural history museum, where I spent like half my childhood. I’ll be doing data entry in collections, but that’s still cool as hell

Got a start on figuring out what I want to do with my life. It’ll involve going back to school for science within the next five-ish years, but it’s nice to have a goal. More of a goal than I’ve ever had, in fact.

Played some extremely good video games (shout out to The Blackout Club and Control)

Made a shitload of unnecessary yet endlessly fun and good AUs with my friends and my one (1) OC

Got an iPad Pro and started learning Procreate, which has gotten me drawing more

Learned a bit of needle felting

2019 was a year of getting much closer to my two best friends, and I genuinely owe them my life at this point. I don’t know where I’d be without them. Nowhere good, certainly.

Woods and Dross kept me talking to people, kept me creating, told me when I was being unreasonable or needed to cool it, heard me out when I needed it but always kept me honest. They helped me keep some creative juices flowing when otherwise I’d have been at a frustrated loss and might have given up for good. If it seems like I’ve kept up my usual art output at all, and if you’ve enjoyed the Lou content (or not, whoops... apologies to everyone who followed me for monster content) you have both of them to thank.

Even moreso, I owe my girlfriend a great deal for being there for me through all of this while she herself was suffering similarly. She and I have had our ups and downs, and been through a lot in the five-ish years we’ve been together. We aren’t the most outspoken couple, but I think our mutual understanding and pain mitigated a lot of the damage this year has done. I don’t think I could have handled it alone.

Furthermore, I really need to thank a lot of other friends and acquaintances I’m not quite as close with, but still talk to. These people especially were willing to call me on my bullshit when necessary, or just talk to me at all, about anything. Even if these acquaintances didn’t know it at the time, there’s a good chance they were dragging me out of one of my frequent existential despair spirals.

I also, weirdly, owe a lot to helping my hen Julia recover from her dog attack. That was around the time that my mom’s health was in its final decline, when I felt the most helpless and despairing. I think having even some tiny something I could do to help was like, the only feeling of control I had in life for a bit there. Julia’s fine, by the way. Still queen of the yard, top chicken boss bitch, etc. Julia was always a kind of kindred spirit with my mom, in a way. Little but not to be underestimated, gray, big personality and commanding presence… Not to mention, she was one of the first in our flock and was always my mom’s favorite. 

It would be too much to say I have high hopes or plans of any kind for the upcoming year, but I do have a list of things I want to try and do. Some of which will involve art, and the posting thereof.

Big if on this one, but I’ve also recently started therapy (only took me half a year to work up to making a phone call after the first failed attempt took all the wind out of my sails) and I have…maybe not high hopes, but hopes, for that doing something to help. I should have started therapy two years ago, but the second best time is now, etc etc.

I have a lot of New Year’s resolutions, beyond the usual “get in shape, drink less coffee, blah blah” that I’ll try and write up a little list of separately. Most of them are art-related, so you all will be there to watch me swing and miss I PROMISED I’D TRY TO BE LESS NEGATIVE. New Year’s resolution #1: Maybe don’t make so many self-deprecating jokes.

Anyway, I don’t know how to end any wall of text, be it an OC worldbuilding screed or something serious like this, so... I guess, love yourself, cherish your friends, know when to put your own needs first and when to put your friends’ needs firster. One of the things my mom taught me in this past year or so is that relationships are what you make of them, and that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. Be generous, be genuine, don’t be a doormat and don’t lie to people you care about, even if it seems kinder in the moment. Savor the time you have with those close to you, and spend time doing things you love. Cliché, maybe, but cliché can still be true. Happy new year, everyone. I sincerely hope it will treat us all better. 2020 may just be an imaginary change of numbers, but I like to think it really does wipe the slate in a way, and make room for all of us to do what we can to be better. Speaking of which, vote. For the love of all that is good, vote.

--

A little bullet list of New Year’s resolutions, because it’s nicer to look at

Try to get back in shape (of course) - That 30 days of strength thing was good while it lasted, despite my joints hating me

Learn some new recipes, preferably with fewer carbs, you Italian ass

Keep a physical calendar and stick with it for at least a few months

Learn at least one new skill by the middle of the year, whether it’s art-related or something else

Start writing more. Don’t have to share it, but try. Write down ideas somewhere other than Discord where they’re easy to lose

Either reopen Patreon or figure out how ko-fi works. Even if it’s for no money, just to have structure and goals.

Do Animazement again and try out some new product types

Go to SCAD career fair with a decent portfolio

Get better about spending, by whatever method works

Attend some art classes at the local collectives, doesn’t matter what

Play more video games. I swear I only played like three new things this year 

Read more classic literature and nonfiction, at least one book per month. I’ve been really enjoying Agatha Christie’s works and am about to start Guns, Germs, and Steel

Read more comics. Basically just consume more media

Do Halloween again, better this time

See friends in person more

Practice accepting whatever shitty thoughts show up and then letting them go, rather than dwelling on them

[icarusredwings]

Thank you kind citizen I was too tired to write all that.

TRIGGER warning. Some people get upset when I talk about this, but it's true.

As a rescue worker of 10 years, please just research the breeds individually and pick one that needs to match your needs and then go to that breed kennel club to buy OR look-up breed specific rescues!!

ALL DOGS deserve love.

MUTT is not a bad word.

PUREBRED does not equal genetically tested.

Adoptdontshop HURTS dogs more than Adopt or shop RESPONSIBLY. (When this tag was made, it was advocating against stores selling puppymill dogs, not advocating against breeders)

Ever notice how that shelter/pet store down the street is always full of puppies? Well, usually, there's a puppymill not too far from it. (BOYCOTT PETLAND!! They've dumped multiple dying sick puppies on our shelter without warning because "it costs too much to give them vet care." They've also dumped blind and deaf puppies onto us because 'they wont sell')

There are a ton of purebreds in shelters, but pure bred does not mean wellbred. Also, keep in mind that a ton of puppymills register their dogs as AKC or some other registration, most of which are fake registries for the exact purpose of fooling people.

Ask for OFA's (if in the US), Ask for parental genetic testing panels (Not embark), ask if their dogs are proven in any way (work, sports, confirmation, show, hunting, etc.) "She's a good pet" is NOT a reason to breed a litter!

Ask about (lifetime) RETURN CONTRACTS!! An ethical breeder will ALWAYS take a dog back even if it's 5+ years down the road. 6 month return policies are BULLSHIT GARBAGE

A RETURN CONTRACT is a legally binding contract that states the buyer can NOT give the dog to someone else or put them in the shelter, the shelter will also be legally prosecuted if the breeder finds out that they knowingly sold their dog to someone else. It's illegal, and each person involved will be fined with up to 10k

Not to mention, rescue dogs and purebred puppymill dogs are always going to have at least one health issue (all dogs will), whether that is a skin condition or temperment problem, Not saying that ethical breeders can prevent ALL issues (some breeds are prone to special diets or arthritis just as humans are, theres nothing you can do about that) but they CAN test for those super cruel diseases and genetic disorders that makena dog suffer its entire life.

Sorry this was so long, im very passionate about genetic health testing, seeing as I wouldn't have nearly as many chronic illnesses if my grandmother had accepted the genetic testing and saw that shes a carrier for a massive heart illness. Also- No (because theres always that one person)

You can not say that this is "Eugenics" because Eugenics only applies to people by force. Advocating for people to get genetic testing before having a child who suffers their entire life is not the same as murdering a child who has brown eyes.

If you read all of this, congratulations. Have a cake 🎂

Ryan Reynolds saying "Is it Peggles?" In response to trying to guess his movie co stars, and guessed it was Peggy, the dog that was Dogpool will never not be adorable.

The fact that he had to put salmon paste in his mouth for her to stick her tounge into his mouth too is just Ugh- The dedication.

She won 2023's Britans' most "ugliest dog." And that's one of the reasons they picked her.

So for all the people saying "Its so canon that Deadpool would pick the ugliest mutt he could find" YES. He literally did. That's exactly what happened.

Peggy is a crossbreed between a Pug and a Chinese Crested Dog, also known as a Pugese. She was born in 2018 and adopted by Holly Middleton when she was six months old.

Oh god, I love Peggles, but I hope no backyard breeders try to purposly breed more dogs like her for cash like they did with Airbud, 101 dalamtions, and Snowdogs/Balto. The shelters are STILL full of huskys because of that.

6:55 is the scene :)

[clementiens]

Hey I’m struggling with a fresh lifetime autoimmune diagnosis that might see me disabled in the future.... and it’s nice to have a lead on my pain but it’s hard with this being definite. And you seem so positive I was wondering if you had any coping advice? Your blog and others like you is a huge inspiration being open with chronic illness.

i wish i had something a little more like..Quickly Helpful, but a concept i saw that did help me a lot especially earlier was radical acceptance, which was basically like. accept what you cant change, so you can actually get on with changing what you can. like i just cant change that i have chronic pain and my joints dislocate and all this other stuff, but i can change how my room is arranged so i can get around more comfortably, and i can change some of my goals OR How i plan on achieving those goals so its actually feasible within the limitations that i have. its going to be more productive and im going to be Happier if i try to work within that to figure out how to make a life i want to live, rather than put all my time and energy (mentally or with trying Every Every Everything anyone suggests, even if its not actually like. realistically going to do anything) into Getting Better. it made a lot of stress by setting up this feeling of constantly waiting for my life to start (so i wasnt really trying to do anything with the life i had at the time), while also feeling like a failure when things stayed how they were or progressed. accepting my body and my health for what it was so i could move on with my life made a big difference for me, even though it is kind of a work in progress, so also dont feel bad for feeling bad, its okay to be like “yeah this sucks.” (i sometimes felt like i was being a Bad Disabled Person or giving into misery stereotypes or some bullshit like that if i wasnt always feeling totally fine about being disabled, but youre entitled to feel how youre going to feel about the situation youre in.)

ive seen a lot of disabled people and specifically disabled activists talk about how harmful the Level of focus and attention on cures/Getting Better can be, when its at the expense of a lot more focus and attention (and funding) than things like services and programs for disabled people get, even though thats what would actually help us Right Now. (ofc this is like layered and not a one size fits all issue but like as far as the pressure to get better that can end up just turning into an unnecessary stress.) finding out more about the disability rights movement and reading more of what disabled people had to say about these things also helped, and i cant even really pin down why, it was just like. there are other people in this boat too, and theyre fighting, and if theyre fighting then this life can be and is worth fighting for and putting my foot down for. it was just really reassuring i guess.

when i was first diagnosed i was flipping a lot between feeling relieved to know what was going on, and being like “oh, so it is actually that bad. that sucks.“ i had to just let myself feel that, which im pretty sure ive also seen people bring up when talking about radical acceptance, like that its completely okay to feel shitty about it or angry or grieve. trying to force those feelings down doesnt really help anything, and at least in my experience it just ends up creeping out elsewhere usually VERY inconveniently, so give yourself some time and space to feel what youre feeling without pressure, so you can go back out and the feeling isnt still hanging on you quite so much. 

BUT ALSO having a diagnosis does mean you can do something about it, even if it just gives you more solid limitations so you can know more about, like, how to ration your energy and pain tolerance, so im glad you were able to get that nailed down! its the biggest pain in the ass!

finding groups for your specific diagnosis can be good too i think, both for the feeling like other people are in the same boat but they also can have some good information about a lot of things, like certain physical therapy that did or didnt work and why, is this an EDS thing or is this normal, etc. and i think therapy is good too if its an option. i was told to Go See A Therapist when i first brought up chronic pain, which was super frustrating, but i do still have trouble with things like “i cant financially support myself right now” spiraling into “AND SO im a drain and im worthless and i suck, like, just in general,” which is where having a therapist comes in. the first thought is just objectively true but the second thought is taking it to an irrational level and it can be really easy to slip into that kind of spiral without some help, but that could also just be things like worksheets online if therapy isnt an option or whatever. (i love when my therapist sends me those.)

i hope at least some of this can be helpful and sorry if it turned into kind of an essay, but im glad you at least got some answers! this feels kind of jumbled up but im not really sure how to unjumble it so i can clarify something if its not clear

[pegasusmoose]

My Coffe-dense.

 I am a coffee addict.

There, I said it, Hell! I’m even drinking coffee as I type this. You see, coffee has been there for me more than anyone or anything, it has accompanied me through thick and thin, and now I wish to repay it for its unforgettable presence in all its unique forms, from my own shitty sweet coffee (which people would call ‘diabetes in a cup’), to my mom’s regular coffee (which I prefer to call heavenly rather than just regular). All the way to the espressos from the coffee machines in my college.

I would like to go through the situations that coffee had been there with me for, it would be useless to actually talk about the coffee itself, because it was just there, present, in a cup, lifted from time to time, and gradually drained by my dry miserable lips. However, that mere presence, has had an enormous sentimental value to me, which I have neglected for the longest.

My addiction journey with coffee, began in last year’s baccalaureates exam, I was extremely behind schedule, and I had to go through what us students like to call: “white nights”. It’s referred to by such a name, because of the lack of darkness, which is sleep, get it? Are you still with me? (I’ll assume you’ve said yes) Good, moving on!

This said darkness, was replaced by another. Coffee! The heavenly dark liquid that strikes the mouth with its strong taste, and strikes the body with sufficient energy to stay up all night and revise a whole semester of physics. (PS: I FUCKING HATE PHYSICS, glad we got that out, such a relief)

So yes, physics was a hard subject for me, I was tired, drained and sleepy, and coffee was there for me. It helped me stay up all night, revise the fuck out of physics, and getting a 17 out of 20 in the exam. And all thanks to coffee, it was the gravitational force that drove me towards success. (Yes that was a metaphor about physics, in your face Newton).

At this point of the story, you’re probably thinking to yourself: “oh my god, why am I reading this boring story about this guy and coffee? I don’t even like coffee, I should do something productive in my life, I hate myself…etc etc” I don’t know, something along those lines.

BUT HOLD THE F’ UP, SIT DOWN AND BUCKLE UP, it’s about to take a turn.

In that same year, I was in love, deeply, passionately, out of my mind, and at the end of the year, I got rejected, and that broke my heart.

“What does this have to do with coffee?” you would dare say.

Well if you would just shut up ‘imaginary you’ and let me finish, then we’d get somewhere.

In that summer, I hated my whole existence, I couldn’t write, read, play, go outside, nothing. Just void and pain. And here’s how coffee plays into this, I started suffering from insomnia and chronic chest pains, and thus I started drinking coffee.

“Wouldn’t that be very illogical? I mean you already suffer from insomnia, why make it by coffee? And coffee could have serious repercussions on those chest pains you have I would assume.”

Good point ‘imaginary you’, it did make me worse physically, but psychologically it was just the thing I needed. I’ve spoken earlier about the presence of the coffee, I didn’t say much about the taste, the effects, sure it helped and I liked the taste, but that’s not what’s important. What matters was it was there, always, whatever I was going through, in a cup, next to me, never left, never rejected me, it was as much of a person to me, as you are ‘imaginary you’, it helped me not be lonely, and damn was I lonely.

Coffee never presented itself only when it needed me, it never betrayed me, and it didn’t let me question its love for me. (Sure it’s not a living thing, but are any of you? getting deep here, aren’t we? I told you to buckle up)

 Fall surely fell upon me as always, dragging with it, the dreadful and tiring start of a new school year, only this time, it wasn’t just school, it was more than that…COLLEGE!

Yes, that name fall down upon my self-confidence, like the slamming of a coffee cup upon a wooden table in a moment of anger (or just dreadfulness), or the sound of a name I held dear to my heart upon my ears.

It was frightening, but I did well again, all thanks to…I’ll let you guess *wink*

When it came to grades, no problem, well not exactly, I had problems actually, those dreadful white nights a day before the exam, because I barely studied all semester. But you get what I mean, I got decent grades, and coffee helped. That’s just evident by this point in the story.

But here’s where it helped as well, it helped me get out of sight, it helped me get some confidence.

“But how?” ‘Imaginary you’ asks.

Well I certainly had confidence issues, and social anxiety. (I thought you should know ‘imaginary you’ in this point of our relationship)

Whenever I felt uncomfortable, or as if I’m being looked at by others, which was mostly just me being paranoid as usual, but still I found an escape, the coffee machines.

Those beautiful work of art and machinery were installed in out college campus in October or so, and my life was never the same again. If I needed to get out of a group when I felt uncomfortable, coffee. If the conversation went stale and awkward, a simple “Hey, do you want to get some coffee?” would be a life savior. If life was getting hectic by family issues or my own mental health, which are topics that even Brazil’s stock of coffee beans wouldn’t help me be comfortable enough to tell you, I would just head involuntarily to the coffee machine, and hit that “extra sugar” and “Cacao” buttons so hard, that my problems just disappear for the moment while I wait for my hot drink.

But then the old tales of “Cacao” started to fade away, because I fell in love, and that meant I needed something stronger, thus “Espresso” placed itself slowly into my routine.

I had to pay 10 Dinars less, for something that was worth a million dollars in value to me, when it came to emotional support.

Around January, I became delegate of my class, because I felt it would beneficial to my self-confidence, WRONG! I was petrified, every time a student came up to me asking questions, or having to talk to a professor, I just lost it, I tuck my hands in my pockets as a sign of weakness and fear, already becoming a meal for my predator, and I start looking everywhere except for the person I have to actually talk to.

I was WEAK! I still am, not as much, but still, and coffee helped again, those golden goblets of feeble plastic that was slightly stronger than my self-confidence and not as transparent as my personality, filled with a small amount of strong, bitter, espresso shots, once were held in my hand, I felt infinitely stronger, and my confidence was ultimately increased.

“ATLAS MIGHT BE HOLDING THE WORLD, BUT I, I HOLD AN ESPRESSO”

“WARRIORS HAD SHIELDS, I HAVE MY 30 DINARS ESPRESSO”

My thoughts were basically that, childish? Maybe, true? Fuck yes.

And with the help of coffee, yet again, I became more confident, I did a decent job as a delegate, I helped people, I was liked, I was called nice multiple times by multiple people, which meant the world to me.

I also made moves on a girl I really liked, she was amazing, her smile, her eyes, and her whole existence basically. I was in awe of her, and things went well at first, of course they always do, although they were difficult, like the first hot and bitter sips of coffee, but I fought on, I thought I had a shot, and then it happened.

“WHAT? What happened? Did you spill coffee on her? Did she spill coffee on you?”

No really, ‘imaginary you’.

I happened, yours truly, I had my chance and I didn’t take it, I didn’t tell her, or maybe I did, but in the worst way ever, and I regret that to this day, because I had a shot at happiness, and I let it slip away. Was it coffee’s fault? If not, where was coffee to save the day?

Well the answer is: it’s all lies.

These coffee stories and extravaganzas, they’re not all lies, these events all happened, what I mean is my relationship with coffee is all a lie, an excuse if you will, to justify my weakness, my fear, and my sadness, and even now I used coffee as an excuse, an excuse to let loose, to speak out a bit, to say the things I’m afraid to say, to tell someone I really love them.

This whole bullshit of a story has more to do with me, and nothing to do with coffee.

I apologize for leading you on.

[the-nerd-corner]

My sister nearly died in the ER. Multiple times. She has Lupus (which, I will admit was a death sentence 40 or so years ago. But this wasn't 40 years ago). This was a 19 year old with chronic pain and multiple chronic illnesses. She was dying, one of the most horrible deaths your own body can self inflict on itself. She was silent. She did not wince, she didn't scream. She brought a blanket and Netflix, and she waited patiently. And every time, they told her that if she was actually as sick as she said, she would be in more pain, have more symptoms. If she was able to ignore her symptoms that easily, then it wasn't anything serious enough for the ER. People with *sprained ankles* were being treated because they were making huge deals out of their problems, but not my dying, calm, sister. Finally, after a nurse (who I now believe works at a hospital) decided to overrule the doctor and admitted my sister overnight (thus getting her hooked up to the medical equipment that could prove her 108 degree fever and barely existent pulse etc) we found out why they kept refusing to see her. She was too calm. I was too calm. My mom was too calm. What they look for is signs of distress. A lot of people have no ability to stay calm or handle pain, and so they panic. This panic is the ER's way to tell there is a problem. In the ER (using their logic) the best way to tell someone is in pain is not to ask them, but to look for signs of panic and distress.

This is where one of the major problems of the ER lies (and where my experience of ERs differs from OP). Most of the people most likely to die in the ER (outside of some sort of physical trauma - - ie the invisible illnesses etc), are going to be calm. Most of these people have lived with their diseases for years, have been in incredible amounts of pain *for years*. It's old hat. There's nothing to get worked up for. No use crying over spilt milk, as the saying goes. People who are about to have a heart attack may feel funky, and be concerned, but until it's actually happening there's nothing to distress over. But the people getting treated are the ones making a big deal (but not too big a deal, its a fine line of bullshit) out of their problem instead of the ones who are sitting calmly in the waiting room, waiting to die.

So, to all the people saying "F you" to the OP. OP is right. Death isn't loud. The people dying in the ER are usually the quiet ones. Now, that doesn't make your experience any less painful. OP isn't saying your pain doesn't exist, or isn't valid, or isn't important to your health. OP is just saying that there are others that may not look like they're in pain but are actually dieing. And dieing is slightly more serious and life threatening and time-sensitive than a broken bone, etc.

That being said. *if you are dying* when you go to the ER: remain calm and don't panic yourself. Panicking just makes things worse for yourself and whatever is making you sick because it expends massive amounts of energy you won't have. Bring someone with you who can panic like hell. Because if you look calm and slightly out of it, and someone is panicking that you've had a 108 degree fever (which causes brain damage) and you are just standing there placidly. Like dude. This looks fishy, and they'll be more inclined to look into it.

The louder you are in the ER waiting room, the more the staff is convinced that you are not having an emergency.

I mean it. You’re getting the attention you think you want, all eyes on you. Except ours. “Isn’t there anything you can do?” Your fellow waiters ask us, concerned. Behind the triage window, you can’t hear our teeth grinding. You’re in pain, i understand that. This might even be the worst pain you’ve ever felt. But you’re probably not dying.

Dying isn’t loud. A patient having a heart attack does not scream and thrash and gasp for air. It’s a whisper, a tightness, with slow flexing fingers. A stroke happens in a fraction of an instant, and never makes any sound. More whispers, halves of sentences and muscles that don’t quite match up anymore, a puppet with a few of the strings cut. Alarmed and wandering eyes, maybe, but never yelling. Or the more common killers, infections that shut down organs or the pipes of blood that sever. Cardiac or respiratory failure. If a person can talk they are, in fact, breathing just fine.

Remember this, the next time you come to an emergency department. Remember this when you’re sitting in the waiting room, while a sleepy-looking person in a wheelchair is whisked away without a word.