#its just making it soo awkward for everyone now cause everyone knows damn well it wasn’t a choice made based on skill

[cupiare]

new employee who got the job i didn’t is lovely but its hard to act acquiescent when the reason i was given was that she had better experience for the role and it turns out she has 0 relevant experience and she’s not happy w her contract either. in the least bitter way possible (not towards her in any case) that should have been me fr

[jisungsmochi]

not my boyfriend - na jaemin

sort of based off the ariana grande song ‘boyfriend, but also sorta based off this post soo yah. 

summary: it was just harmless fun, until feelings got involved and emotions were in whirl wind. but he wasn’t your boyfriend, despite how badly you wanted him to be. you wanted to cherish moments in life, but na jaemin challenged the nature of these moments. 

lots of mentions of making out (i’m an innocent baby so no suggestive stuff hehe) some angst, ALOT OF FLUFF WOOO

words: 6.5k (oh she long long i’m so sorry its probably poorly written and there’s probably some mistakes woops) 

p.s: please feel free to send in requests because i honestly can’t think of many ideas hehe. now enjoy this imagine!! 

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it was one stupid mistake. a mistake that led to one of the most confusing situations of your life. a harmless game of seven minutes in heaven, at lee jeno’s 18th birthday party, involved you, and acquaintance, na jaemin, making out for four of those minutes.

once the bottle head landed towards you, your eyes widened in shock. not because you didn’t want to play the game, but because of who had spun the bottle. jaemin smirked, his eyes landing on you.

“shall we?, i mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to” he shrugged, playing it off.

“of course she has to! it’s no fun if she backs out of it!” haechan grumbled, everyone ignoring his comment due to his drunk demeanour.

you rolled your eyes at the drunk boy, slightly shoving him so that he fell to his side. you stood up, jaemin following your actions as you both moved to the closet under jeno’s staircase.

once you both had situated yourselves in the closet, you decided to start small talk.

“pretty romantic huh?” you joked, watching as he fiddled with the sleeves of his denim jacket.

“uh yeah i guess” he furrowed his eyebrows at you, not breaking eye contact.

“so are we actually going to do this?” you didn’t mean to come off as nervous, but how could you not?

na jaemin was arguably one of the most popular boys in the grade, and you were locked in this closet, with six minutes left on the clock.

you two used to be friends, of some sort during primary school, but drifted due to difference in cliques. you both silently had each other’s backs, always waving or just smiling at eachother in the hallways. but this was all new to you. so what if you kissed him? would things even change?

“we don’t have much time, i’m just going to kiss you, and you can choose to continue, alright?” jaemin stepped closer to you, supporting your sides as your back leaned against the wall. you didn’t know where this sudden burst of confidence came from but your heart beat wasn’t slowing down anytime soon. you nodded slowly, his hands reached to cup the side of your face. his lips lingering slightly, before flashing you another smirk and pressing your lips together. your hands instinctively reached for his shoulders, giving them a slight squeeze, before he pulled away abruptly.

you needed a moment to process what just had happened mere seconds ago. you wanted to kiss him again, the remaining 5 minutes wasn’t enough. you pulled his shoulders closer, his lips landing on your again, as you continued what he had started. it was messy, but it felt good, you couldn’t deny it. his hands roamed your sides as you played with his hair. you didn’t want it to stop.

a knock on the door interrupted you two,

“1 minute to go!”

you both pulled away, trying to regain some sense of what had just occurred.

“i uh, that was, really good” you muttered, wiping at the sides of your mouth.

“yeah it was, i would like to do it again sometime” he spoke barely above a whisper.

“wait what? do you like me or something?” god you felt so stupid, after his reply.

“uh no, but i like the way you kiss me. it’s kinda hot. if you ever want to do it again, just hit me up. kinda like friends with benefits, but not with the actual sexual acts” he came closer to you, his hand stroking your hair softly.

his proposition went against all of your morals as a person. why would you make out with someone you aren’t dating? it was so bizarre. you couldn’t wrap your head around it.

“so what you’re saying is that, we can make out and stuff but we aren’t going to be boyfriend and girlfriend?” you needed to clarify, incase this was some weird prank.

“yeah pretty much, i think you’re cute and all but i’m just not into that whole dating thing.” he shrugged before continuing “how about this, meet me at the back gates after school on tuesday, if you have thought it over and agree”

you bit your lip consciously. he was giving you a choice.

“and times up!!” jeno opened the door, eyes landing on the awkward position of you leaning against the wall with jaemin folding his arms and smirking.

“think about it, i kinda hope you say yes” jaemin turned to you before shooting you a smile and walking to join the rest of the group. he left you struck with confusion.

what has he done?

later that night when you were in bed, your mind drifted to that moment. the more you thought about it, you realised that jaemin hasn’t actually been in a serious relationship. he did have one last year but, it was clearly one sided, leaving the poor girl in shattered pieces. jaemin wasn’t completely heartless, from what you were aware of, he was just unable to commit to anything really. he wasn’t a bad person, at least, you truly hoped he wasn’t. if you were to agree to his bizarre proposition, how would that reflect you as a person? you continued to think to yourself, what if people found out? would that affect both of your reputations? and the final question that kept occurring, would you end up falling for him?

you still weren’t sure if this was a risk you were willing to take. so on the next monday, the day before you were to tell him if you had agreed, you tried to approach him, to test the extent of your classmate relationship. he was standing alone, leaning against a wall outside of a classroom. you debated whether or not to approach him, or just walk past smoothly and see if he approached you instead. you decided to go with the first option as the second seemed to be a bit of a stretch.

“hey! jaemin” you smiled at him widely, watching as he looked up from his phone and slid it into his jacket pocket.

“oh hey y/n, how are you?” he politely spoke, crossing his arms while shooting you a small grin.

“i’m good, uh are you waiting for someone?” you leaned over his shoulder to see inside the classroom.

“ah yeah, jeno is asking some questions and is taking longer than expected. at this rate he may as well just stay there for the whole lunch break” jaemin rolled his eyes.

you nodded, unsure of how to continue. you really didn’t think this through that well.

“not to be rude, but why are you talking to me right now? i mean, we haven’t spoken to eachother at school since like, the eighth grade” he chuckled softly, causing you to become speechless. how were you meant to say that you wanted to bait him into talking to you before you confirmed your crazy decision to agree to being his secret kissing buddy?

“oh yeah i know, i just uh, since the party and everything i thought we should just start talking again. if that’s okay with you” you avoided giving him eye contact, opting to stare at his shoes, which were quite clean with barely any marks.

“that’s okay with me, considering we will be spending a lot of time alone, right?” his words caught you off guard. were you being too obvious? too desperate?

“uhh what do you mean by that?” you played along, feeling the heat in your cheeks rise.

“you know what i mean, the deal still stands. tomorrow. back gates. hope to see you” he winks before, as if on cue, jeno bursts out of the classroom.

“why do we need to use geometry? it’s pointless” he groans before noticing you.

“oh hi y/n! wanna join us for lunch?” he smiled at you softly.

“it’s okay, thank you for the offer, bye guys!” you quickly blurted before turning and walking away swiftly. damn na jaemin and his good charisma. it almost sealed the deal.

the end of school on tuesday, signalled a moment of uneasiness for you. after placing your books into your bag, you made your way through the halls. many students rushing to get home, but you, were debating on where to go. as you trailed to the back exit of the school, your heart was pounding. you didn’t want to regret anything in your life, but this was a massive gamble. it would have been safe to say that when you were kids, you did have a silly crush on jaemin. but that came naturally, almost every girl in your fifth grade class had a crush on him. he was grown now. taller, more reserved, more handsome. you did want to kiss him again. you really did. but was it worth all of this?

jaemin’s figure came in sight, he was tapping away on his phone, probably playing some mobile game. he didn’t notice you initially until you were centimetres away from him.

“you scared me” he jolted back a bit before letting out a soft chuckle. he locked his phone before making eye contact with you.

“i’m assuming you’ve thought it over” he got straight to the point. you clearly weren’t the only one thinking about it.

“yeah, i have. and, i do want to take you up on the offer” you began, feeling anxious on his response. “but not without some concerns!” you avoided looking at him, but still felt his eyes focused on you.

“we can only make out in private, given that you don’t want it to seem we’re in a relationship and all” you began, looking over at him to make sure he was listening. he nodded gently at your words, waiting for you to continue.

“and i guess, just, don’t hurt me. if you don’t want to continue with this, please tell me. i really don’t want to feel used, so also respect my decisions on how this goes as well! because you can’t be the only one who dictates everyt-“

your eyes widened, your posture stiffened as jaemin smashed his lips onto yours. he pulled away instantly, watching as you stared in shock.

“you talk way too much” he mumbled, face still close to yours.

“well, that’s a good way to keep me quiet” you almost whimpered, shocked at how he had so much power over you. yet, you enjoyed every second of it. you decided to kiss him back this time, repeating the exact actions as previously in the closet.

what have you gotten yourself into?

after that day, jaemin started hanging around you at school more. it wasn’t too often that people would suspect you two were a thing, but enough for them to acknowledge that you were friends. you both had haechan as a mutual friend. he was surprised to see both you and jaemin conversing next to your locker.

“yeah honestly i don’t like going to the soccer games but the boys make me go because jeno is playing” jaemin starts ranting to you, causing you to laugh in response.

suddenly haechan approaches, you noticed, rolling your eyes awaiting some sort of teasing from him.

“well what do we have here? jaemin and y/n actually becoming friends?” he lightly joked, shoving both of your shoulders.

“yeah very funny” you groaned before crossing your arms.

“didn’t you know? y/n were hella tight back in the day, right?” jaemin fed off of haechan’s comedic energy, making you softly smile.

“that’s right, i remember when you forgot your swimmers at home at my pool party in the 5th grade so you had to wear your undies” you let out a loud chuckle, causing haechan to also laugh, whilst pointing at jaemin.

to your surprise, jaemin also let out a small chuckle, running a hand through his hair “ah yes, one of my proudest moments, you forgot to mention that your best friend also confessed to me on that day” he retaliated back, damn he was good. haechan also laughed in response to his words,

 “you two are hilarious, i’m glad we can all hang out now! y/n, come to jeno  soccer game this friday! let jaemin pick you up since you guys are now besties” haechan insisted. you shot your eyes to jaemin.

“yeah sounds good” jaemin complied, resulting in haechan to nod in response before bidding a goodbye and running off to get food.

“i thought you said you didn’t like going to his games?” you turned to jaemin who was fiddling with his sleeves.

“uh yeah, well i mean, maybe it’s time to change. might also give us an excuse to make out”. this would be one of the first times you would make out, outside of school, it was an understatement to say you were looking forward to friday.

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“y/n! someone is here to see you!” your brother, chenle, yelled from the front door. he was slightly pissed off due to being interrupted from his video game. you rushed to the door, bidding a quick goodbye to your brother, telling him that you’ll bring him back a corn dog or something. jaemin smiled at you in awe, but quickly masked it with asking you,

“do you know much about soccer?”

you contemplated for a moment before answering, “i guess the basics, sometimes chenle watches it on tv but he usually watches basketball”

jaemin watches you with every word, not realising you both had reached his car. he shook himself out of his short daze and opened the door for you to enter the passenger side, he wasn’t sure why he did it. usually he would let people just open the door for themselves, but he just wanted to do this for you.

once he entered the car, he looked at you, giving you a small smile before leaning in. your heart was pounding, you knew what was coming. he placed his lips on yours like he had many time before, pulling away after a short five seconds. you smiled into the kiss, pulling him back which made him let out a small giggle that just made your heart flutter.

“hey we can’t get carried away, jeno will be grumpy if we show up late!” jaemin muttered, before starting the car. he always seemed to be the one changing the subject, but you didn’t mind, there would plenty of opportunities for you both to continue.

it was half time of the game, haechan and renjun went to the bathroom and grab some food, leaving you and jaemin alone. it was fairly cold that night, which you didn’t expect, as you wore a large grey hoodie and some shorts. jaemin had placed his jacket into your lap, making you blush.

“come with me” jaemin whispered in your ear, sending a small shiver down your spine. he grabbed your wrist gently, leading you towards the car park. you learn against the back of his car, as he began kissing your cheeks. you softly giggled, interrupting him,

“it’s getting cold, put this back on” you referred to his jacket in which he complied. after putting his jacket on, you grabbed the collar of the jacket and pulled him towards you.

“nice move” he mumbled, not wasting time as he leaned in. your hands were tangled in his hair, his hands placed at the top of your hips, slightly rubbing your sides. your back started to ache due to the pressure of being pressed against the car but you didn’t really care at this moment. your head moved to the right as did he, everything just fit in place. he pulled away momentarily, placing his forehead on yours,

“god you’re so pretty”

your mouth opened, a wave of surprise taking over you. he hadn’t really complimented you before, nonetheless look so deeply into your eyes whilst saying such sweet words.

before you could even have a chance to respond, he pulled you close to him, stroking your hair softly.

“let’s get back, the others might be suspicious” he whispered, letting your arms slowly intertwine, as you walked back to the bleachers. na jaemin was gorgeous. confusing. yet, he was the only person that could have ever made you enjoy this situation.

a few weeks had passed since the soccer game. you and jaemin weren’t talking as much as you had hoped, but there was plenty of kissing involved.

he had began to be more touchy with you, which you didn’t mind at all, but it always led you to believe there was something more, until you were hit with reality.

haechan’s birthday party was coming up soon, and you were pretty excited. you were hoping there would be another game of seven minutes in heaven, only with jaemin. he told you that he would pick you up once again, in which you honestly didn’t have any other choice. you were finishing up putting on your shoes, when jaemin rang your doorbell. you opened the door, rather too quickly, causing the corner to hit your toe. you groaned in pain, causing you to fall forward, resulting in jaemin holding you up.

“i’m so clumsy, sorry” your face flushed a bright red shade, jaemin smirking at your adorable reaction. you closed the door behind you before jaemin wrapped his arm around your shoulders. you couldn’t deny the ecstatic feeling you got when jaemin was affectionate with you in the slightest ways. from simple hand holding, when no one was looking, to small brushes of your elbows, any sort of contact made your heart swoon. 

you both arrived at the party, feeling many eyes on you two. jaemin still had his arm wrapped around your shoulders, leading you into haechan’s house which was already a mess. he led you both to the kitchen, where jeno was furiously shoving people away from him in order to grab some water.

“oh there you guys are! i’ve lost haechan, he’s gone wild!” jeno panted, before sipping from the water bottle he tried so hard to obtain.

“ehh he’s probably having the time of his life” jaemin shrugged, moving his hand down to attach to your waist. this caught jeno’s attention, causing him to cough awkwardly.

“i’m gonna go find him, incase he’s throwing up somewhere, have fun you guys” he smiled brightly before rushing off. jaemin pulled you closer to him, his back leaning against the side of the counter with you standing in between his legs. he tangled your fingers together, holding onto them gently.

“why are you suddenly being so soft huh?” you decided to tease.

“i mean, i can stop if you want me to” he retaliated, letting go of your hands dramatically. you laughed at his childish ways, before grabbing his hands again. you placed a small kiss on his knuckles, which made his heart stop. he couldn’t deny the feelings he had for you, but things don’t always go his way. he’d rather have you as just a temporary thing, than someone he had to commit to, putting him at risk of jeopardising the relationship. you stared up at him, watching as he rubbed you surface of your hands so softly. he brought one of his hands to cup your cheek, before leaning in and giving you a soft kiss. you were going to continue, when suddenly haechan came up to you guys, clearly drunk.

“come upstairs, we’re gonna play spin the bottle”

you looked over at jaemin who just raised an eyebrow before guiding you along with him to go upstairs.

to avoid any more suspicions from people at the party on the status of you and jaemin, you both decided to sit at opposite sides of the circle. jeno sat next to you and renjun was on your other side.

haechan span the bottle first, as expected of the birthday boy, landing on the class president, siyeon. it was an unspoken rumour that they had a thing, but never really acted on it, until now. siyeon made her way over to haechan before smashing her lips on his, catching him off guard. everyone just ended up clapping, as they both made their moves.

next it was jaemin’s turn to spin. you were internally praying it would land on you. the bottle span so slowly in your mind, frustrating you as you were curious of the outcome. it finally came to a halt, but to your loss, it landed on nayoung. she wasn’t just any girl. she was the girl who his friends always thought he would end up with. his ideal girl, subjectively. before you and jaemin started your thing, you always saw him and nayoung around school together. rumours always spurred that they were dating but nothing more came from it. so when you were seated there, as jaemin leaned to kiss her. you felt a small fraction of your heart crack. you watched as her arms wrapped around his neck, just like how yours did mere minutes ago. you watched as his continued kissing her as if he couldn’t stop. but then you realised. you two weren’t serious. this whole agreement wasn’t meant to make you feel hurt like this. you weren’t meant to get jealous. you weren’t meant to feel like you were literally going to have an emotional breakdown. but you just couldn’t detach your emotions from the physical affections of na jaemin. and that was your own fault.

jeno noticed how uncomfortable you had gotten, leading him to tap your shoulder. tears glossed over your eyes, you wiped them away quickly before looking at him.

“do you need some air?” he offered, anything would be better than being here right now. you nodded before getting up from the circle, taking one last look at jaemin who was glaring at jeno, who had put his arm around your shoulder.

jeno led you to the front of the house, and sat with you on haechan’s porch swing.

“you don’t have to answer me but are you okay?” he gave you a solemn look.

you hesitated answering, unsure of what his intentions were but you were so distraught, you needed to blow off some steam.

“i’m not sure to be honest. i want to be okay, but everything in there was too much” you tried to be as vague as possible.

“was it nayoung and jaemin?” you heart ached again. why couldn’t it just stop?

you didn’t want to respond, jeno noticed, deciding not to push any further.

“just so you know. jaemin isn’t as horrible as he seemed up there. yes, what he did, was really unfair to you. and yes, we’ve noticed that you two seem to have some kind of thing going on” jeno let it out to you.

“we don’t have a thing” you denied.

“don’t lie to yourself. there is something there. he would never have brought someone to his friend’s party, with his arm slinging around them.”

you didn’t know what to say back to him. jeno just kept looking at you, searching for some type of reaction.

“well it doesn’t look like there will be anything soon. i’m going to end it. it hurts too much” you merely whispered, tears falling at this point. jeno rubbed your shoulder gently, comforting you in the best way he could.

“you’re never going to tell him how you feel?” he pleaded.

“why would i? i don’t want to deal with rejection. can you just take me home?” you sighed in frustration. jeno decided not to talk about it further and drop you off at home, where you ran to your room and sobbed for the rest of the night.

screw na jaemin.

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unfortunately you had contracted the flu due to being out in the cold for that night without a jacket. you subjected to your mum’s warnings as she continually scolded you on always bringing a jacket. chenle chuckled at your scoldings, causing you to throw a pillow at him, eventually missing each time.

“hey you rat, throw the pillow at me again and i won’t buy you any bubble tea when i come back from school” chenle threatened. you rolled your eyes before groaning, “fine that’s fair, and i would like an earl grey milk tea with pearls thank you very much!” you shouted as he was already one foot out the door. you sighed before scrolling through endless posts on instagram. you stumbled on some photos from haechan’s party, many were just drunk teenagers posing in the most awkward positions you had ever seen.

suddenly, your phone started ringing, an unknown number appearing. you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion before answering.

“hello?” you asked hesitantly.

“hey, is this y/n?” you recognised that voice, it was renjun

“yeah it’s me, what’s up?” you continued, interested in what he had to say.

“there’s something you need to know. since you’re not at school today, you aren’t witnessing the wrath of jaemin. last night after you left, jaemin pretty much beat up jeno, thinking he was trying to hit on you or something. i’m not too sure of the facts. but anyway, jeno is busted up at the moment and jaemin is just treating us guys like trash, can you please tell your boyfriend to come to his senses?” renjun was clearly irritated with the whole situation, as were you. jaemin had never been the violent type in your eyes. sure he presented a ‘dark’ and ‘edgy’ image for himself. but you had never imagined something like this to come from him. also, renjun calling jaemin your boyfriend, had you even more stunned.

“he’s not my boyfriend” you groaned.

“yeah well tell him that, you need to talk to him. i just thought i should tell you so you don’t hear fabricated lies when you come back.” he let out a short sigh at the other end, clearly at a loss for words.

“thank you for telling me, i appreciate it a lot. i’ll talk to jaemin but i can’t guarantee anything” you were being honest. even though jaemin was soft and cuddly around you, didn’t mean he listened to every single one of your concerns. and last night really didn’t help your relationship at all. this was going to be a mission.

when you returned to school, two days after the phone call, jaemin almost immediately walked up to you and pulled you aside. you took a minute to process what had happened.

“uh hi?” it came out more like a question, as you didn’t expect him to even talk to you, especially at school.

“where have you been? you haven’t been at school” he asked you, with a stern tone.

“i had the flu” you shrugged, not sure where this was going.

“why didn’t you message me? i was waiting for you” he slightly pouted , causing you to pout back.

“i’m sorry, we just really need to talk face to face” you admitted. he nodded in return, walking you to his car. you both sat inside of it, memories of that night rushing back to you.

“okay first off, i’m just gonna come clean and tell you that i beat up jeno. i’m not proud of it. i’ve treated the guys like shit because i can’t get myself to apologise. god what’s wrong with me?” he let out, slamming his hands on the dashboard. you remained calm.

“at least you could admit you were at fault. just let the steam cool off before you go and apologise. they don’t deserve to be treated that way. what was it all about anyway?” you hoped he answered truthfully.

“it was about you. i kinda got mad that you and jeno went to talk. i just thought that, he was going to make a move on you or something. and i heard he took you home which just made me even more mad. i don’t know why. i don’t know what came over me” he admitted. he was so vulnerable, so innocent. you didn’t know what to make of it.

“but did you literally forget that you kissed nayoung right in front of me?” you retorted, slightly fed up with his blame on others.

he opened his mouth before closing it again, remaining silent.

“that’s what i thought. jeno was comforting me because i was upset about you kissing her. i know we both said that feelings wouldn’t get involved but quite frankly i can’t help it. every time you hold my hand or kiss me i feel like i’m over the moon. i get so happy when you message me at night to sneak out so we can make out in the back of your car. i get excited when you hold my waist while we walk in public. i like the way you kiss me like there’s no one else in the room. but that night, made me realise how delusional i was. i think we should just end this whole thing. it hasn’t been such a positive experience for the both of us. i’m sorry, jaemin, that i couldn’t detach my emotions from our physical connection. i hope you’re okay with that.” and before he could say anything back, you got out of his car and walked to your first class, tears threatening to spill, but you had to hold it in. why did it have to be like this?  

days and weeks went by with no contact from jaemin. you had checked up on jeno to see if he was doing okay, and he assured you that jaemin had apologised to him and his friends. which only left you. you felt selfish for expecting an apology from jaemin. what did he need to apologise for? you were the one who caught feelings, even when he stated he probably wouldn’t reciprocate them. god you felt so stupid.

you noticed that he didn’t attend many of his classes, specifically the ones you shared together. it made you worried, even though you hated to admit it. but you cared for him. and you weren’t stopping anytime soon.

it the the final soccer game of the season. jeno was pumped for it, and invited you to come and watch. you decided to go, just to spend some time with the rest of the boys. you lowkey wanted jaemin to come, but unfortunately he had told jeno he wasn’t going to attend. you felt slightly disheartened, expecting that maybe, just maybe he would come to see you. but that was you trying to believe in something that didn’t exist.

as you watched the game intensely, haechan and renjun were shouting beside you, cheering for jeno. you laughed at their silly chants and funny faces they were making at him. these were the moments you wanted to cherish. you received a notification at the moment, taking out your phone:

jaemin: meet me in the car park, i’m standing outside of my car. i need to tell you something

you stared at your screen intently, unsure of what to do next. they two boys noticed, worried due to your expression.

“what’s wrong?” renjun asks.

“jaemin wants to talk, he’s here right now” you told them, they looked at eachother then back at you.

“you should talk to him” haechan suggested, renjun nodding along 

“yeah what’s the worse that could happen” they both shrugged. 

you sort of agreed before getting up and saying goodbye to them. you made your way to the car park, heart pounding out of your chest. jaemin came into view, he leaned against his car. his hair was parted to the right, his skin was illuminating under the lamp post, his jacket draped over his shoulders effortlessly. gosh he was stunning. but he wasn’t yours.

“hey” you approached him quietly.

“oh hey” he almost seemed shocked to see you in front of him. it would have been almost three weeks since you had properly spoken.

“what did you want to talk about?” you stepped closer to him, wanting him to hold you in this cold weather, but you were sadly disappointed when he shot you a confused look.

“i think i just need to be honest with you” he sighed, accepting defeat in the battle of his emotions.

“i had a crush on you when we were in primary. you were the only girl that was ballsy enough to invite me to her birthday party, which just made me so happy that, wow, this little girl had some confidence!” he smiled so widely, it made your knees weak.

“i knew i wanted to be friends with you for the longest time. and we did, but then life just got in the way and we never really got to be close. i had always admired you from afar, that sounds so creepy but uh, i just would always pay attention to you in class. and whenever someone spoke badly about you, i was always on their case. i don’t know if it was out of annoyance or the fact that i may have still had a silly crush on you. but there was just something about you that i just wanted to get to know.” at this point he couldn’t look you in the eyes.

“nayoung was just a distraction for me. i sound like such a dick for putting it that way but i just wanted to get her to help me stop thinking about you. i was so cold to you, prior to jeno’s party. when we got chosen to go in the closet i just went out on a whim and hoped that i would be able to kiss you at least once in my lifetime, even if it was in a stuffy closet” you both laughed, you stepped closer to jaemin, making him look you in the eyes.

“and when you agreed to kiss me whenever i wanted and let me hug you and hold your hand, god i thought my heart was going to explode. i tried so hard to put up this front that i didn’t want to commit because well, i was scared. i’m scared of fucking things up with you. i knew it would be my fault that we didn’t work. and look what happened. i fucked up by kissing nayoung, i wanted to prove to myself that i really had fallen for you. i didn’t feel a single spec of a spark with her. but every time i kissed you, it was like, a thousand bolts of electricity shot through me, okay that was hella corny” he chuckled, before resting his hands on top of yours.

“so what i wanted to tell you is that. i’m not scared anymore. the last time you spoke to me just really impacted me. i needed to reevaluate everything as soon as i could. i’m so sorry it took me this long to finally apologise to you. but i am so sorry for hurting you. that was the last thing i wanted to do. but i wouldn’t take back what i did, because it wouldn’t have led me to this moment. y/n, i have fallen for you. pretty damn hard. you’ve made me cry, made me jealous and made me even beat up my best friend. i’m so crazy for you and i just want you to still feel that for me. do you?” he stared into your eyes with such vulnerability and fragility. you rested your palm to his cheek, wiping away a single tear that shed from his eye. you nodded a bit too aggressively.

“who said i ever stopped?” you smirked before going on your tippy toes to pull him into a short but sweet kiss.

“i truly don’t deserve you. please forgive me” he whined into the kiss, making you smile even more.

“of course i forgive you. even though some of the things you did were completely idiotic and made me want to yank out your hair. i can’t deny that i have strong feelings for you. and i would really like to see how we can be without having to sneak around and only make out. i want to go on dates with you, na jaemin! i want to meet your family and go to cute cafes and eat so much food we both develop food babies! i want to go on an adventure with you, whatever the risks are. i’m willing to take it” you spoke with such emotion, you both ended up crying. jaemin pulled you in for another kiss, this one wasn’t filled with such tension as the first time, but this time it just felt right. he was finally yours.

[ 2 months later ]

you were all hanging out at jaemin’s house, watching a silly children’s movie and critiquing it to the core. you were snuggled up against jaemin’s side, with his arm over your shoulders. he would give you small pecks on your forehead throughout the film, making you blush each time. you would bury your head into his shoulder whenever you felt tired which just made his heart flutter ecstatically.

jaemin decided to throw some popcorn at renjun who had fallen asleep in an uncomfortable position. you were all giggling at the situation, causing renjun to stir awake from his sleep.

“ugh, y/n can you please tell your boyfriend to stop annoying me?!” renjun irritatedly groaned.

“hes not my boyfriend!” you decided to joke.

“hey!!!” jaemin pouted from bestie you, crossing his arms.

“i’m kidding” you whispered to him before pulling him in for a kiss.

“gross, why did we encourage them to get together?” haechan rolled his eyes before throwing a pillow at you two.

“let them be!” jeno retorted before throwing a pillow at haechan. you all erupted into a fit of laughter before continuing with the agenda for the night.

after the boys had left jaemin’s house, you prepared to sleep over, as it was the first time, you were more than nervous. jaemin came up behind you and hugged you, resting his chin on your shoulder.

“whatcha thinking about?” he mumbled into your skin.

“you” you flirted, turning to face him. he smiled widely, pulling you closer to him so that your chests met. he leaned down, capturing your lips in his. he led you towards his bed, both of you collapsing onto the mattress. you both positioned yourselves to face eachother in bed. he pulled you into his chest, softly rubbing up and down your arm.

“jaems” you whispered.

“hm?” he looked down at you.

“i just wanted to tell you that i love you and you’re super cute” you blushed while looking to see his reaction.

“i-i love you too” he engulfed you in a hug before kissing you all over your face.

“and you are super duper cute!” he giggled, before resuming his attack of kisses on your face.

these were the moments you cherished the most.

[drowning-in-daiya]

Holiday smooches

Soo I finally got around to writing another scenario for Black Clover. It’s holiday inspired and was a pain in the ass to finish but I managed somehow. It’s again based on the same OC with a specific backstory but I wrote it directly as a reader insert this time so hopefully it’s a bit better in that respect. Fluff is minimal again because I suck 😔but I hope it’s still enjoyable! Thank you for reading!

(William x Reader x Patri) 

Fluff

Word Count: 1,197

Warnings: None

No one expected to feel any sort of holiday cheer this year at the Golden Dawn base. After all, the year had been quite a ride and things still feel uncertain and precarious. So it was a quite a surprise for most to wake up on the first day of December to countless pieces of decoration elegantly scattered throughout the halls and common areas. Full, fluffy trees filled with gold and white ornaments sparkle from corners, and colorful wreaths and garland are strung along the walls and banisters, twisted through with holly and bells and tinsel. More surprising, though, is the abundance of mistletoe littered everywhere. 

Awkward glances and reluctant pecks from those willing to play along become the norm over the next week. Members try to memorize the very strategic placement of the pesky plants but find it’s impossible after a few days since they never stick to one place. The realization disheartens some who simply resign to the fate of awkwardly smooching their comrades; in others it sparks a certain determination to avoid the embarrassment in ways one would normally never see a noble act in, leading to cases of mishaps and laughter that work to somewhat lighten the lingering heaviness in everyone. 

Seeing the smiles on the younger members’ faces makes your heart swell and a certain feeling of accomplishment spreads through you; at least one part of your plan is a success. Thinking back to a certain elf has your mood down again. Groaning, you let your head fall to the table, ignoring the documents and the probably still wet ink scrawled across them. The sound of the other pen stops across the table though its owner doesn’t speak immediately. William knows what (or better who) is most likely causing you distress and is still thinking of a way to broach the topic when your head shoots up, eyes glaring into his widened ones. 

“Patri is the densest idiot I’ve ever met!...and yes I’m including myself in that.” He’s fighting an amused grin. When you’d suggested adding Patri into yours and William’s relationship just four months in, he’d been a bit hesitant, worried about waning feelings and shifting dynamics. Everything’s been great so far, though, with everyone settled in a comfortable rhythm with each other. You’d spent time getting both used to physical affection; Patri was even more awkward than William had been, snapping if you teased him which in turn led to even greater amounts of it. It only took a week and a half for him to fully embrace the soft touches, lingering hugs, and warm cuddles, and now affection flows freely between the three of you (though you’re still the main initiator). But now…

“I mean seriously! What more do I have to do to get a damn kiss around here?” “I’m sure he would give you one if you just asked…and you already take plenty of them regardless of whether you ask or not.” William loses his battle and the grin overtakes his face, the exasperation and pout lining your face coupled with the smeared ink across your forehead making him want to kiss you himself, and he already knows what you’re going to say next having been the recipient of the same complaint since the decorations appeared. 

“Yeah I know I could. But that defeats the whole point! Kissing under the mistletoe is cute and something I’ve always wanted to do with the person I love. Well, people now. It’s why I had the whole base covered in the stupid plant. But stupid Patri keeps saying it’s just a stupid human tradition he doesn’t get the point in even though I keep telling him it’s romantic. Idiot.” You prop your head against your raised hand but jolt straight back up when a voice sounds next your ear. 

“Who’s this idiot you’re talking about?” 

You spin around and point aggressively. “You of course! Why can’t you just kiss me under the mistletoe? William does every time, even if other members are around.” 

“Why do you keep bringing that up? I already told you how stupid I think it is. I’m an elf so human traditions don’t matter to me. Plus I’m not going to be dictated by a plant of all things on when I can give you or William a kiss.” The pout turns into a scowl, but you decide to let it go for now. At the very least you can experience the romance with William, you decide. 

Three days later Everything aches. What was supposed to be a one-day mission spread into the next day, and then half of the next, the rest of which was spent cleaning up and leaving orders for the knights staying behind. Despite being healed, the huge amounts of mana used and lack of sleep from even before the start of the mission has left you spent, just barely able to make it back to the base and drag yourself into a shower. Washing the sweat and dirt away makes you feel a little better, but there’s still a noticeable droop in your shoulders and the walk to the room feels like it takes ages. You barely acknowledge the forms in bed, simply crawling into your spot between them and snuggling under the warm blankets. There’s movement to your left that you’re trying your best to ignore, but then Patri is poking your cheek and saying something your tired ears can’t make out. A mumbled ‘what’ is all he gets and there’s a pause; then the poking turns to pulling and you’re forced to pry your eyes open, expecting to meet his mismatched ones but instead focusing on a sprig of white-berried mistletoe hanging above your head. 

“Why…” You’re too tired to finish you’re sentence and instead settle for just staring at him in confusion. He laughs and brings his face closer to yours, lips a breath away. 

“What’s with that look on your face, hm?” A shiver travels up your spine. You lean up to capture his lips with yours, but he pulls away, chuckling again. “You didn’t answer me you know. Why do you look so-“ 

You’ve tangled your hand in his loose hair, pulling him into you. The kiss is rough and not your best, teeth knocking together in your rush to meet him. Then he’s taking the lead, slowing it down so you feel everything. A nip here and then the slip of his tongue, feather light against your bottom lip; the press of his chest heaving against yours; the gasp when you pull his lip between your teeth, pulling slightly. He targets your jaw and neck next, leaving a blazing trail of open-mouthed kisses as your head is gently pulled to the side and William’s enveloping you in yet another breathtaking kiss. 

It feels like hours before you guys break apart, cheeks warm and lips swollen. Nothing else is said as you curl an arm around William and Patri settles against your side, face nuzzled into your neck; you fall asleep with a smile on your face, the lingering weight completely gone now, and a fuzzy thought that you’ll need to repay the stupid elf tomorrow.  

[iicewitch]

☕ real boy

a playlist for @stevenrcgers​ link to playlist: here tracklist and favorite lyrics below

1. blood, sweat and tears - bts   Peaches and cream, sweeter than sweet Chocolate cheeks and chocolate wings But your wings are wings of the devil In front of your sweet is bitter bitter 2. brainchild - everything everything A good thing Now you think about it, don't you make it real? The bad thing, maybe it's a feeling I don't want to feel But love is all you need to know But love is all you need to know

3. dumb dumb - red velvet

Like a mannequin Everything is so awkward I should just act like I do normally But whenever I see you, I act so stupid Like my little brother’s robot Everything is so awkward What do I do? I think I’m broken I forgot even how to breathe 4. the zombie song - stephanie mabey And I'd try not to bite and infect you because I'd respect you too much And that's why I'd wait until we got married Oh, and our happiest days would be spent Picking off all your friends and they'd see A love this deep won't stay buried

5. real boy -  lola blanc Every time we touch your hands are colder, colder There's no beating coming from your wooden chest Frozen grin, a mannequin When I get closer I can see the strings there underneath your vest 6. who do you want to be ? - oingo boingo Who do you want to be today? Who do you want to be? I think I'll be a teddy boy, I think I'll be a hunk I think I'll be a tough guy and I think I'll be a punk I might just be a fashion star all dressed in frilly rags Or perhaps, I'll cross the other side and walk around in drag! 7. under my skin - jukebox the ghost I can fit two people under my skin Yeah, I can fit two people under my skin And I will prove it if you will listen You crawled up in there, you joined me within I can feel your heart beating under my skin And the beating of your heart is making me bleed from within 8. mr. capgras encounters a secondhand vanity: tulpamancer's prosopagnosia - will wood and the tapeworms Damn, I thought you’re not your imposter. You’re so sure you’re not gonna get caught! Dead in your own skin, but you didn’t choose what you were born in! And another man in your repertoire, ready in your head and fed upon your memoirs Still the same rules apply from the birthday to the mourning What you feel and what you do; are those things really you? And if not, then what is?  9. breaking out - the protomen If you can hear my voice outside these walls (If you can hear me) If you can hear me sending out this message tonight Then break the silence, send a signal back (If you can hear me) I'm coming, all I need is a little guiding light...

10. roaring 20s - panic at the disco Maybe I'm overjoyed, maybe I'm paranoid Designer me up in straight jackets My tell-tale heart's a hammer in my chest Cut me a silk-tied tourniquet This is my roaring, roaring 20's 11. evelyn evelyn - evelyn evelyn We grew up closer than most Closer than anything, closer than anything Shared our bed and wore the same clothes Talked about everything, spoke about so many things 12. looking glass - the birthday massacre A boyish notion of false emotion These words are spoken despite my love A fool's devotion was set in motion My eyes are open now

13. play dead - the birthday massacre Thinking hurts and thoughts don't rhyme To those of us who've never tried To find a face behind our lipstick smiles And as our pretty faces die Our broken hearts will wonder why The makeup just won't hide the scars of time 14. lets fall in love - mother mother There's a game in the world A little bit of cat and mouse With the boys and the girls And if I had to ante up I'd bet on the birds 'Cause they don't have to walk around With the boys and the girls 15. o my heart - mother mother And I pour my heart a new foundation But it don't set hard it just stays shaking And I scratch my name I scratch my name in But it don't set hard it gets mixed back in Oh my heart, it's a fish out of water  16. body - mother mother Take my teeth, tear through my cheeks And take the nose go and dispose Oh would you go dispose, just go dispose 'Cause I've grown tired of this body A cumbersome and heavy body 

17. touch up - mother mother I am a makeover queen A swan out of duckling Ugly duckling you're drowning In makeup (in makeup) My makeup (my makeup) Has washed off 18. roman holiday - nicki minaj Take your medication, Roman Take a short vacation, Roman, you'll be okay You need to know your station, Roman Some alterations on your clothes and your brain

19. replicant - they might be giants You've got his eyes Same exact smile All that he has All this will be yours  20. happy days - GHOST Oh, it’s painful My heart is quite a mouthful I’ll tear it out for you I’ll be the sacrifice for you Y’know, things could go exactly how you want it I’d be exactly how you want me Use what’s left of my soiled personality I’m all yours, I’ll do anything 21. girls on film - duran duran 'Cause the crowd all love pulling dolly by the hair By the hair And she wonders how she ever got here As she goes under again Girls on film (two minutes later) Girls on film Girls on film (got your picture) Girls on film  22. nobody - mitski And I know no one will save me I'm just asking for a kiss Give me one good movie kiss And I'll be alright Nobody, nobody, nobody 

23. TT - twice I feel like crying, I don’t feel like myself This isn’t like me at all I love you so much Think I’m all grown up now I’m free to make my own choices, but why Why can’t I have it my way The more I try to push you away The more I’m drawn and attracted to you baby 24. in every dream home a heartache - roxy music Your skin is like vinyl The perfect companion You float my new pool De luxe and delightful Inflatable doll My role is to serve you Disposable darling Can't throw you away now 25. the moss - cosmo sheldrake But have you heard the story of the rabbit in the moon? Or the cow that hopped the planets while straddling a spoon Or she, who leapt up mountains, while whistling up a tune And swapped her songs with swallows while riding on a broom 26. green - todrick hall Green! Is a way of life And the millions would kill to see their name up in the lights For the green is okay tonight But be careful what you wish Because you might get what you like 27. guy.exe - superfruit Oh I, wish I could synthesize a picture perfect guy Oh I, oh I Six feet tall and super strong, we'd always get along Alright, alright Oh, he'd pick me up at eight and not a minute late Cause I don't like to wait, no Kind and ain't afraid to cry or treat his momma right 28. the dismemberment song - blue da kid  Well once upon a time that's where the clock begins And right after the end Well, that's right where the plot thins And I've got no angel to keep me in line! So I'm taking your narrative and I'm making it mine! 29. me!me!me! - teddyloid I’ve worked hard for myself - What have you done for yourself? When you notice the scattered pieces of the mirror You’ll realize I wanted you to notice Is this still going on? Is this still happening? Even though I’d been waiting for you Even though I loved you 30. alone together - fall out boy My heart is like a stallion, they love it more when it's broken Do you wanna feel beautiful, do you wanna, yeah I'm outside the door, invite me in So we can go back and play pretend 31. get busy living or get busy dying - fall out boy This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters But we never stood a chance And I'm not sure if it matters If you are the shores, I am the waves begging for big moons I'm mailing letters to addresses in a ghost town  32. hi it’s me - ashnikko When I'm with you I have amnesia, I'm weaker than before My stupid brain thinks that I need you, I'm eager to hurt more My best friend thinks that I'm a dumbass My dumbass should be a little more cautious I slip up, I text you, I forget That you were so so disrespectful 33. i’m poppy - poppy Welcome to the new world, I'm your internet girl Open up and you'll see, everyone is happy I like your technology, can you put it on me? The future is so pretty, we're living in harmony 34. idola no circus - neru Come, let’s dance all night in our naked bodies We know, we know your true nature Again putting on a fake face, You’re just like a pierrot ! It’s time to put a mask, a mask On your unsociable faced 35. shine - casey lee williams But baby, it's time to make up your mind I think that tonight is when our stars align Honey, it's time to leave the doubt behind Take my hand 'cause you and I are gonna shine 36. one thing - casey lee williams I was nowhere, I had no one, I felt nothing Lost without a voice and on my own Then a candle's flame brought a brand new name But now you've stolen everything And I'm all alone 37. sweetest cure - hugo What the hell am I s'posed to be Choose a world over me Sitting pretty in my mess On the phone I can't confess Word's out somehow You're the sweetest cure I never got to tell you 38. bang bang bang bang - sohodolls Teacher says that I've been naughty I must learn to concentrate But the girls they pull my hair And with the boys I can't relate Daddy says I'm good for nothing Mama says that it's from him Manic sister thinks I'm cracking Brother says it's in my genes 39. helpless - phillipa soo One week later I'm writin' a letter nightly Now my life gets better Every letter that you write me I'm helpless! He's mine, that boy is mine! Look into your eyes And the sky's the limit, I'm Helpless! Helpless! Down for the count, and I'm drownin' in 'em 40. lifeboat - laurence o’ keefe Everyone's pushing Everyone's fighting Storms are approaching There's nowhere to hide If I say the wrong thing Or I wear the wrong outfit They'll throw me right over the side 41. chase the morning - sarah brightman In you is a world of promise We have both been kept in bondage But you can learn from all my failures Let your life be your dream Integrity, honesty, its too late for me Don't look back till your free to chase the morning 42. no reason - leslie kritzer Everything, everything happens for a reason Be a beacon of light in the world Put a little "alright" in the world There are spiritual guides above Look up and see 'em Perception is reality Just listen to the melody the universe sings 'Cause everything, everything happens for a reason 43. i love play rehearsal - stephanie hsu I love play rehearsal 'Cause you are equiped with directions and text Life is easy in rehearsal You follow a script so you know what comes next Anywho, the point that I'm getting to Is sometimes life can't work out in the way It works out in the play 44. your song - elton john And you can tell everybody this is your song It may be quite simple but now that it's done I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind That I put down in words How wonderful life is while you're in the world 45. the party goes with you - lindsay mendez And when we're dancing nose to nose Darling do you suppose, darling do you suppose This party could be just us two, and I your wife? Oh, oh, the gayest party, sad but true It's true The party goes with you The party goes with you 46. half jack - dresden dolls It's half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong You'll notice something funny if you hang around here for too Long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back I'm half Jill and half Jack 47. the secret - pierces Got a secret Can you keep it? Swear, this one you'll save Better lock it in your pocket Takin' this one to the grave If I show you, then I know you Won't tell what I said 'Cause two can keep a secret If one of them is dead 48.  connect - claris My heart awakes in order to depict the future Even if I come to a halt on a tough road The beautiful blue sky always waits for me Therefore I'm not afraid I won't be disheartened anymore no matter what happens 49. simple and clean - hikaru utada Hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning Is a little later on Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all Nothing's like before 50. mountains - message to bears  And we could run away Before the light of day You know we always could The mountains say, the mountains say And we could run away Before the light of day You know we always could The mountains say, the mountains say

[reikiajakoiranruohoja]

Nature vs nurture

WARNING: Discussion of PTSD.

"Okay, so let me get this straight" Amethyst stated as she looked at the two veteran soldiers before her. One was just sis, though she had long since understood that Jasper was some sort of folk hero to Homeworld gems. The other, freaking Yellow Poobah herself.

What the heck was even the point here?

"You want me to go through some questions to see if I'm...damaged in some way?" she asked, rubbing her hair in confusion. Wouldn't Pearl be better for this? She actually fought in the war.

"What I want to know, is whether or not you show signs of stress damage that is common to your gemtype," the diamond said, those damn cold eyes glaring down at her like at the ball. Jasper said nothing, just staring impassively.

"Yeah, sure. Go ahead"

It felt like a waste of time, she didn't understand why loud noises or stressful situations should make her feel worse, or trigger some kind of fighting instinct of doom. But Yellow Poobah sure seemed interested and Jasper looked more and more frustrated with something as the questioning went on.

"Okay, r-8XM, you say that you -never- just go blank in a fight? Or have nightmares about them? Are you trying to look tough or something?" Jasper finally grumbled, glaring at Amethyst dismissively. Nothing new under the sun.

"Yeah? You say that you just lose your mind there? Like, what's the fun in that? I don't wanna forget cool fights" Amethyst retorted, chuckling a bit. "That is the crux of this study, it ceases to be fun in a true war. It is one thing to skirmish like you did here and on Homeworld. It is another to have to look shattering and death in the eye and choose to live by killing someone" Yellow stated coldly and sighed. "There are gems like Jasper and me, gems who have trouble with violence and fear. You are an outlier that can help us understand this condition"

Amethyst just stared, she sorta knew what the diamond was talking about. Shellshock and all that was common in movies, but she didn't know gems got it too. "Soo, you sayin' that because I never fought in a 'real' war, I'm somehow less of a mess?" she asked, rolling her eyes. She took on Blue Diamond once, the diamonds were no longer scary to her. "You lack the damage to your mind, yes. It is a positive thing to know that long-term damage is not inherent to Quartzes and we can, therefore, try to combat its effects" Yellow responded, trying to smile. Pearl had better tries at it.

"Well, ugh, can't you guys go to therapy or something? You know, gems built to listen to your issues? Like you got Zircons and Topazes and stuff" "We sadly lack any such gem. Other than the pearls that we employ, our inner worlds are rarely exposed"

Wow, just... Wow. This shit was even more messed up than she thought.

"You could, like, talk to each other about it? That usually helps with humans" Amethyst said, utterly flying by the seat of her gem now. The fact that she knew more of this than Homeworld was just sad. "Weakness isn't acceptable, not among us," Jasper said, almost scoffing at the thought. "Yeah, I think I see the root of the problem here"

Yellow lifted a carefully manicured brow as if to tell her to go on. Amethyst, more than happy to call a spade a spade, obliged. "Like, the whole mess is about not talking because others wouldn't get you. Pearl never talked about it, Garnet never talked about it, Rose never mentioned it. Everyone was just happily pretending things were ok when they weren't. Like, REALLY weren't. Then when she croaked and Steven was born, it got WORSE. The only reason we're even here's 'cause Steven started pushing us to talk to one another. About bad things and shit everyone buried deep. So, like, it’s okay to be weak. 'Cause everyone is at parts"

Smooth, 100% bullshit there Amethyst.

"The sentiment is sound, but the implementation might not be so easy. Many of my generals are closed off and paranoid. As Jasper stated, the Court creed has been of working hard and not letting your emotions get in the way. While I have implemented changes to lax this mentality, it won't help the veterans" Yellow spoke, apparently taking Amethyst's words as truth. "Can't they talk to each other then? If yer an army, you gotta have some trust between you guys" she said, feeling more and more out of her league. "That might work"

Amethyst spent a few hours after the two left just playing with the sand. The heck was she supposed to do about any of this? They needed Steven's better words than her awkward fumbling about trying to even get to the point.

Besides, Yellow Poobah had entirely forgotten the Famethyst. They were happy and safe, right?

[just-some-random-blogger]

Wheel Of Fortune

EXO Park Chanyeol x Reader + others Characters: EXO Summary:  Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Chanyeol was head over heels for you but he was 100% in denial that you liked Kyungsoo. Word Count: 1k+ Warnings: CRACK FOOL. RUN IF YOURE NOT HERE FOR THAT, jealousy, bottled emotions, fluff ending, etc.

A/N: this was TOO FLUFFY tbh. i wanted to hurt myself but it turned into fluff but oh well

let’s start at the beginning

your parents were introduced by mutual friends and started talking on the phone

okay kidding that’s too far

right

so you worked at SM

and is the maknae of a seven member coed group that debut a year after BigBang and a year before SHINee

(so 2007)

which considering the fact you were younger than Sehun by a couple of months meant you debuted at 10

just roll with it cos ITZ MY VERY SPECIFIC PLOT DMMIT

wheLP

the members were all exactly one year apart and the members from eldest to youngest,, the sequence was a guy (@ 30 yrs old), a girl (29), a guy (28), a girl (27), a guy (26), a guy (25), then you (24).

I KNOW I DONT NEED THIS BUT THIS IS HOW I IMAGINED THIS PLOT IT DMMIT

ok

since you were basically a sunbae at SM even tho u were a smol child you wanted to show your support to your hoobaes

So a day before their debut as a whole group, you, along with the eldest member of your group, who was the leader, visited EXO in the dance studio and gave moral support

You were A BIG FAN and it showed

not that you were hiding it in the first place

your leader was HIGH KEY embarrassed by you, but low key thought it was kinda cute how excited you were for this song

so dUH EXO dances growl for you

anD YOU NEARLY SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST BECAUSE OF HOW PERFECT EVERYTHING WAS

Luhan’s voice

Baekhyun’s attitude

Sehun’s resting bitch face

eeeerrrrrthing

YOU WERE ON THE FLOOR SCREAMING 

literally

and Junmyeon thought you were adOrAbLE

“I think she malfunctioned,” your leader gave a face and pushed you on the shoulder to see if you were still breathing as you let out a silent scream

“CAN YOU GUYS DO IT ONE MORE TIME”

????? 

Jongin was too out of breath to fight you

but lol u know what

they did dance again for you

BECAUSE YALL HAD THE CUTEST LIL FACE AND YOU WERE LIKE 16 SO

after that your band and exo were pretty much in one group 

like hella tight 

you were bsicly conjoined twinss

You could be at an award show and your table would be abandoned because you decided to sit with exo or vice versa

HYPING EACH OTHER WAS NOT EVEN HYPE ANYMORE BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE YOU GUYS WERE RABID OR SOMETHING WTF 

!!!!CALM!!!!!DOWN!!!!

like you + your group to them:

“thtAS MY CHILd!”

“DID YOU SEE YIXING AND HIS HIPS FUCK YOU BITCH!”

“HE WAS RUDE. THAT WAS RUDE. THAT’S NOT ALLOWED”

“GET OFF THE STAGE SLUT”

“WWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP BITCH!”

“~~~that was sooooooo sOFYT”

“CHEN STFU! YOU NEED TO STOP USING THAT DAMN VOICE OF YOURS JONGDAE. THATS ILLEEEEEGAL!”

“myY HERT!”

“OPPA *cries in korean* PLESS!”

“WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY!!!!!?“

‘iN fRonT oF MY sALaD”

“PA$$ THE H01Y W4T3R”

“NO KAI. BAD KAI. STTOOOOPPPP.”

you @ baekyun

baekyun @ you

thIS IS A CHANYEOL HEADCANON BUT I LOOK AT THIS FUCKIN MORON WHO I HATE SO MUCH SOMEONE SAVE HIM FROM HIS IDIOCY

them to you + your group:

“first of all fuck, second FUCK”

“wh-- whT WHAS THAT HIP MOVEMENT. U ARE 4 YRS OLD”

“HE did t h a t.”

“NOOOOOONNNNNNNNNAAAAA ch0k3 me”

“I CANT HEAR YOU OVER U BEING SUCH A HOE”

“i cant beLIEVE THIS STADIUM IS SO QUIET” *ears are actually bleeding*

“NOt TODaY S4T4N”

“I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS”

“how does this have 300M views????? ONLY 300M I--”

“GAAAAAHHHHH WHAT WAS THAT MOVE WHT WAS IT”

“my soul has been touched”

“this is TOOOOOOOO much ma lord”

“DID YOU JUST RIP YOUR SHIRT OFF?“

“TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!”

“ASDFRTYUJM ive been shot”

ya dig

it’s not verbal abuse if they can’t hear you cause of the bass and the fact your on stage performing

but like

you guys did everything together

practiced

ate

shopped

toured

pranked

T O G E T H E R

like who else in SM mattered

SHINee who?

JK YOUWERE A SHAWOL THROUGH AND THROUGH

you reassure Minho everytime unless you wanted to die that day

YOu EVEN FANGIRLED OVER TAEMIN’s MOVE WITH MINSEOK

BUT YOU OBVI you had MORE THAN ENOUGH ROOM TO BE AN EXO-L and an elf and a cassie and a so-won and DONT FOrget a vip and a---

you get the point

ANYWAY

as you were close with everyone you had a special bond with every individual

YALL STILL TEXT WITH YA BOY KRIS

yOU WENT ON A SHOW IN CHINA WITH LUHAN

TAO LEAVES PUKE COMMENTS ON YOUR INSTA POSTS

my ot12

and as much as you say you are equally close with everyone

errbody knows that be bull the size of russia

yall caNNOT dENy that you and chanyeol have the same crack powder on your philtrums

LIKE KYUNGSOO CANNOT LIVE WHEN YOU TWO ARE TOGETHER

LET HIM LIVEEEEEE

this moment must never die

ya boy be mindin his own business then

BAM BITCH

you and chanyeol be makin D.O. cray af

rest assured he HAS thought of how he’d kill both of you

ANd that’s why chanyeol loves you

like he decided he liked you the moment you lost your breath laughing when he threw a rubber duck at Kyunggsoo’s head, making it squeak in the most demented way no one thought possible

but he knew he loved you when you helped him lighten up on one of his dark days

you had that kind of effect on people

i mean all you did was sit down with him, both of your backs leaned up against each other’s, head occasionally leaning against the other’s head or shoulder, and played some nothings on the guitar and ukulele

but that was more than enough

you were there with him

and that’s what mattered

But literally the moment he accepted his feelings for you

he began to notice something he felt 100000% dumb for not seeing before

the way you laugh when Kyungsoo says a lame-ass joke

the way you always hug him from behind

you did that with literally everyone you were close with sure, 

but Chanyeol noticed you did it with him more 

and he 3

there was also the way you were just always winding up next to Soo when he was around, like he had some sort of magnet on him

and how you just liked poking his cheeks, begging him to show his dimples

which were really faint like gurl--

chANYEOL HAD DIMPLES TOO

CHANYEOL HAS DIMPLES

why daheq did you like his close to nonexistent ones?????????

????????

okay you liked poking Lay’s dimples more

look at my boy, who i love with burning passion ANDWILL DESTROY SM FOR BECAUSE HE JUST WANTS TO BE WITH HIS BAND SM SM SM!!!!! CHINA KOREA POLITICS FK ALL YALL

and suho

and chen

anD FINE--

yeah you did poke his too

literally anyone who remotely has dimples tbh

BT WHY KYUNGSOO

ads;ajsd;lasjdkas #jelly

so chanyeol decides to ask someone about it

so he obviously goes to his wisest hyung

but the day he  wants to talk to Suho, YOU WERE ON A DATE WITH HIM

like a date but not a date date he could tell

BUT A DATE NONETHELESS AND HE WAS KINDA JELLY

so he goes to Baekhyun for some fucking reason

and he’s like “omg u like her i couLDnt FUCKING TELL FROM ALL THE HEARTS IN TH AIR”

instant regret

but like Baek did give him some advice

like 5% was advice

the other 99% was him screaming to just be a man and tell her

so chanyeol is like, “STFU.... also she likes kyungsoo so fml”

and for a hot second Baekhyun has nothing to say

BAEKHYUN HAS NOTHING TO SAY

“idek dude. this is why i flirted with her openly”

Chanyeol punched him for saying that

but he decides he’s going to tell you after like 231109 years

cos Jongdae said you don’t like Kyungsoo and that he’s sure of it

Chanyeol asked how he was sure and he was just all like

“she had a crush on Sungmin hyung before and DID NOT act like that at all.”

That made Chanyeol a lot more hopeful

So he just went for it

and asked if you wanted to get lunch

and then after eating, you guys walked back

and he just sort of blurted it out

“Joahaeyo.”

you just looked at him and chuckled, “Thank you. I like you too, Yeolie.”

bitch are you for real rn

before Chanyeol could clarify, your walking slowed, “I’ve known for a while now.”

ok

wait

w h a t

“Minseok oppa told me.”

?????????? uhm HOW DID HE KNOW

Chanyeol’s hands were waterfalls atm, “Why did he tell you?”

Your face starts burning red and chanyeol cant help but think of it as a bad sign

“I told him I liked him...”

“... and he said he can’t reciprocate because he knows you like me, and that he can’t do that to his dongsaeng.”

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah 

cool story bro

you liked someone in EXO that was NOT him

cool cool cool

I GUESS CHEN WAS RIGHT 

THANKS

wait did that mean chanyeol was this obvious

wait did that mean chanyeol ruined your chances with his hyung

wait was this why you cried that one time

WaiT WAS THIS WHY YOU HUNG AROUND KYUNGSOO

BECAUSE WHENEVER MINSEOK WAS IN THE ROOM, YOU WOULD GET KINDA STIFF AT A POINT AND KYUNGSOO MAKE A JOKE TO MAKE YOU LAUGH

WASTHIS WHY YOU TWO HUNG OUT MORE

WHY HADN’T HE NOTICED

AND IF EVERYONE ELSE DID

WHY DIDNT THEY TELL HIM

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Chanyeol frowned and called out your name, proceeding to apologize

“Wae? why are you sorry? did you tell minseok to say that to me?“

he couldn’t feel mushy and weird at what you said

“YA dont tell me youre going to be weird around me too. It’s bad enough Minseok oppa distanced himself a bit.”

Chanyeol couldn’t help but be angry, sad, protective, and annoyed all at once at what you just admitted to him

“I’ll tell him to stop.”

You pouted, “you don’t have to tell anyone anything, chanyeol.”

“yes but you don’t deserve to feel awkward around anyone.”

“yes but that was minseok oppa’s choice.”

“yes but he was only doing that because he’s my hyung and he’s dumb.”

“yes but-- 

OU KNOW WHAT WHY DONT WE ALL JUST BE AWKWARD AROUND EACH OTHER”

and so you walked forward fast and tried to ignore chanyeol

Chanyeol, with his freakishly long legs caught up with you though

he caught your arm

“What tf are you doing?“

“Ew dont talk to me its awkward. im awkward. your awkward.”

Chanyeol laughed. “yaaaaa, why do i like you?

“THAT’S WHAT IM THINKING HO”

[21st-century-daydreamer]

Bleed

Hey, guys...This is the first fic that I’ve written I’m so sorry if it sucks...hehehe. btw my request is open if you have any fic request for marvel... request 

I write fluff,smut, basically everything....

Word count: 1,807

“I don’t know Tony, I just don’t get it... what’s his problem really? Does he really hate me that bad? What did I even do?” I said while sitting on one of Tony’s table in his lab. He’s working on some updates for his suit on his holographic table, putting in some formulas and muttering words that I don’t understand.

“Lighten up sweet cheeks, Capcicle’s probably just having a life crisis right now. He’s like 100ish you know? Or maybe he’s just not getting enough of “it”. He said while making quotation mark gestures with his hand. “My best guess is that 100-year old virgin is just sexually frustrated.”

“He is definitely not a virgin, I mean... look at him. Yes, he can be annoying sometimes like...” I stood up, put my hand on my hips trying to imitate him. “Y/n do this. Y/n DON’T BE RECKLESS. Y/n YOU ARE NOT GOING. Y/n blah blah blah blah blah... it’s annoying but it’s kinda turning me on for some reason when he goes all cap like that.” I looked over at Tony and he’s rolling his eyes. Typical.

“And those bulging muscles and like those uniform, UH the stealth suit. I mean damn...” I sighed closing my eyes picturing Steve in that stealth uniform.

“Don’t drool on my lab. I’m warning you,” he said. Tony is surprisingly quiet during this whole conversation and it is very uncharacteristic for him to do.

“Shush Tony, and that ass though... That is America’s ass right there.”

“Y/n I’m kind of worried that you are having an episode of some kind. You walked in here ranting about how much you hate him and a couple seconds later you are drooling and daydreaming about his ass. Do you hate him or bang him? it’s really confusing. Don’t get me wrong, hate sex is awesome and all that bu- or maybe you are the one who’s actually sexually frustrated. When was the last time you get some?” and with that comment, I found a small piece of random metal and threw it at his head which he deflected. “TONY NO! My sexual life doesn’t have any effect what so ever in this conversation.”

“Hey! Don’t destroy anything in my lab!” he said rolling his eyes while picking up the metal that I threw. “Maybe you should just talk to him? Tell him about how you feel, cause that old grandpa still doesn’t know how to read a woman.”

“NO! Are you insane? Every time I walked up to him to talk about something that isn’t regarding work, he just walked away. And you know what frustrated me, even more, is that when we are in the same room he glances at me like he wanna say something, but when I caught him he just looked away.”

Tony was silent for a moment and said: “ You can do it right now?”

“Right now?” I asked.

Tony looked up and meet my eyes. “Yeah... He is standing right there, and he looks like he’s kinda stuck...Steve wait for a moment I’m gonna buzz you in.” I turned around, petrified. He was standing between the lab doors and the door to the hallway. A small space that Tony created to contain anything inside the lab in case something happens. He stood there holding a file that I guess was about the mission tomorrow with an unreadable expression on his face. As soon as Tony opens the door he just walked toward the hallway without even saying a word. 

I looked over at Tony while getting off the table “ Thanks a lot, Tones” and ran after him. While I was running a thought made me stopped dead in my track. If I found him and had a chance to talk about what just happened, what am I even gonna say? Am I ready for that super awkward and embarrassing conversation? will I be able to accept the fact that I just ruined the relationship between me and Steve? I decided to just ignore this and retreat straight back to my room and get some rest before the mission tomorrow.

*the next day*

I woke up around 7 am which gives me 3 hours before the team and I leave for the mission. We are going to a small town in Russia where a HYDRA lab has been detected. From what we heard and know the lab has got its hand on some Chitauri technology.

I walked to the kitchen to get some breakfast and saw Steve, Bucky, and Thor already munching on their breakfast. Thor was the first one to notice me walking inside the kitchen. “Good Morning Lady Y/n.” Steve’s head spun around at the sound of my name. “Morning guys.” I tried to be cool and act like nothing happen. I make myself a cup of coffee and put a toast in the toaster. “So... you guys all set for the mission?” I asked while taking a sip of my coffee. “Yeah, I guess,” Bucky replied. Steve acted like I wasn’t even there. I moved over to sit next to Thor. “Y/n that stool is broken, don’t sit on it,” Bucky warned me. I groaned. I’m not sitting next to Steve like no. ABSOLUTELY NO. And I’m also too lazy to walk over to the other side, “Thor scoot over your chair a little.” Thor looked at me and did as I ask him to do. I placed my breakfast on the table and sat on his lap. Thor and I are pretty close like he’s actually my best friend so this type of stuff is normal between us. 

Steve for the first time spoke up. “Are you gu- Are you two-fondueing?” he asked with his eyes still glued to his plate. 

“Ohh, pal...” Bucky chuckled.  

I decided to ignore his question and keep eating my breakfast, while Thor was to busy playing and doing weird shit to my hair. “You know lady Y/n some of the women in Asgard braid their hair this way,” he said while doing braids on my hair. “Do you think my hair would look good with it?” I asked him, clearly trying to get a reaction out of Steve. “You will look good in anything, even bald.” Steve suddenly stood up and left. “What’s up with grumpy grandpa?”

“You know what doll,” Bucky said.

While I was getting ready for the mission I ran into Steve. “Steve lo-” he cuts me off. “ I can’t talk right now Y/n we’re leaving in 30 minutes.” he continues doing stuff and trying to find little random things. “STEVE!” I stood in front of him blocking his way. “About the thing the other day. I just wanna say that I don’t hate you or anything an-”

“You know what, Tony was right. You are confusing. Yesterday you say all those things about me and this morning you did that with Thor. I don’t get you.” Steve said. 

“Well, I’m not the one who acts like the other person is not in the room. You’ve been avoiding me always and all this time you acted like you hate me. And NOW YOU ARE MAD BECAUSE WHAT I DID? JUST SO YOU KNOW ME AND THOR ARE BEST FRIEND AND NOTHING IS GOING ON BETWEEN US.” I said and stormed out of the room.

The ride in the quinjet was awkward, to say the least. Steve sat on the farthest opposite side of where I was sitting. Natasha was talking to Bruce about the Lullaby and Thor well... Thor was asleep. Bucky was talking to Clint about a show that they both just discovered. Tony was doing something on his tablet. “Y/n you better not lose it again this time,” Tony said referring to the last mission where I lost control of my powers and cause a massive power outage because my power accidentally crushed one of the city power plants. “I know Tones,” I replied shortly. 

When the plane landed, Steve tried to talk to me. “Y/n I-”

“Can’t talk now Steve, I’m busy.”

The fight was intense. Little did we know someone tipped them off that we are coming. After what felt like 30 minutes of consistent fights I heard Tony’s voice through the com. ”I’m in!” followed by cap’s voice. “Tony and Nat focus on taking and destroying whatever tech they have. The rest of us fight out here, keep them out of the facility.” I was fighting side by side Thor when I saw a huge tank coming towards him. I used my powers to crushed the tank and it exploded.

After Tony and Nat blew the lab we can finally breathe. I was finally able to relax for a bit. 

But no one saw what happened a couple seconds later coming, a sound of a gunshot rang behind me and I felt pain on my stomach, it was a blur after that. I heard Thor screaming and electrocuting something behind me, and I fell to the snow. In seconds Thor was crouching next to me.

“We need to go Lady Y/N is hit.” He carried me and spin Mjolnir sending us flying towards the quinjet. Everyone was already there. Everything was blurry and I can only hear muffled panic voices. “Stay awake for me doll, please.” I can feel someone holding my hand and after that, I fell into the void of darkness.

Steve was sitting outside of the operating room, his suit still stained with blood. “Buck, I can’t lose her. I’m an idiot.” Bucky stood next to him silently. “I was so scared Buck, I feel like I’m the reason for all this. The reasons she’s bleeding to death in my arms while I carry her. Maybe she was distracted because of our problems. I can’t accept it if the last thing I did with her was fight Buck, I can’t.” Bucky puts a hand on his shoulder. “She’s strong, she’ll pull through Steve. Words of advice though, when she wakes up tell her straight away.”

*5 days later*

The first thing I saw when I woke up was a blinding white light, “damn am I dead?” I thought to myself. And then I heard a familiar voice, “Hey, doll. How are you feeling?” I turned to my left and saw Steve staring at me. “Hey...” I replied. “How long was I out for?” I asked him. I remember vaguely of what happened. I remember being shot and Thor carrying me to the quinjet. “5 days, you got shot in the abdomen sweetheart,” he said. “I was so worried. I thought I lost you.” 

“it takes more than a shot to the abdomen to get rid of me cap.” I smiled at him.

“Listen Y/n I’m so Sorry I couldn’t say this earlier. I care about you. I’m sorry that I’ve been hard on you... I did that to avoid any of this from happening. I’m sorry I ran out of the lab. I was just in shock. I’m sorry.” he’s holding my hand and his eyes are watery. 

He moved closer to me, leaned in closing the gap between us. I brace myself for the kiss that I’ve been waiting for soo long. His lips were grazing over mine and I closed my eyes when “Code Blue. She’s flatlining. Rogers that’s not how you give CPR.” I heard Tony’s voice and groan. Steve retreat back to his original position which is on the chair. The whole team walked in and asked me how I was while Bruce is checking my vitals.

“Well Y/n you need a little more rest, I can discharge you from the med wing and you can go back to your room. But no mission for a month alright? No hard physical ability, well you can be the guy in the chair.” He looked at me and smiled. 

“Thank you, Bruce.” The team stayed in the room for probably about ten minutes asking me how I am and telling me stories of what had happened the last 5 days I was out until Steve subtly asking them to leave us alone.

“Guys, I think Y/n needs some rest.” He said.

“Right, guys we should go. What he meant was Y/n and he needs some time alone to finish the kiss they were about to have and maybe some...” Tony made a thrusting motion.

“Tony I just got shot.” I chuckled. When the rest of the team finally cleared the room Steve immediately hovered on top of me and gave me a kiss I’ve been dying to have. His lips were a little chapped but still soft, our lips moved together in sync until we heard cheering from outside the room. “Cap you are needed in the meeting room.” I heard Tony called out. “Give me a minute.” We laughed and continued kissing each other until we heard Tony. Again. “CAP!”

“Alright...Alright...” Steve sighed. “I’m gonna be back.” he gave me one last peck. And walked towards the door. 

“That is America’s ass...” I sighed earning a chuckle from Steve.

[worldofblade]

Head Assassin Ch 4

BTS Fanfic:   1 |  2 |  3 |  4 | (T-1) | (T-2) | 5 | 6 | (T-3) | 7 | (T-4) |

Warnings:  DARK!!, Mention of non-con elements, Mention of child abuse, violence/gore, mention of torture, dark!namjoon, dark!bts, forced marriage, mention of mental abuse, hybrid fic, au fic.

Beta:  None

Rating:  R

Summary:  General Kim Namjoon was going to get what he wanted, no matter what.

Pairing:  Kim Namjoon/Female OC

Notes:  Thanks so much for the love.  Yoongi gets super dark in here.  Be warned.  I now have lots of little stories rolling around in my head about all the hybrids, I don’t know if I will give them their own stories or what.

~~~

“Such a low-quality party…”

“What do you expect from a family that forces a marriage to rise up in the world….”

“…. the General isn’t even here, shows what he thinks….”

“Ghastly family, from the beginning….”

Ji-Soo took a deep breath and counted to ten for what felt like the millionth time.  It was getting harder to ignore the group of women in the corner.  Forcing herself not to glance over, she continued her directions to the staff on placement of center pieces.   The women from the Jeon House, had shown up, making sure everyone in the room heard that they were “here to help”; then proceeded to sit at the far side of the room, calling for food and water while making ugly comments that were getting progressively louder.  Ji-Soo knew she shouldn’t have been surprised, the Jeon family had always had a special type of hatred for the Lee family; but today they seemed especially harsh.

“The Jeons’ are in top form, I see.” Ji-Soo’s mother said, giving her daughter a smile.  “Don’t let them see you get angry.  It is what they want.”

“How have you managed to deal with them for all these years?”  Ji-Soo asked, following her mother as she checked the tables.

“Truthfully it hasn’t been this bad before.  They usually would throw a few harsh barbs my way at gatherings, but then move on to bigger fish.  The problem now is that, with your marriage, we are the biggest fish.”

“Yes, my illustrious marriage.” Ji-Soo said, while the two shared a sad smile.  Ji-Soo’s mother squeezed her hand, before they both turned toward the youngest daughter of the Song House, who was timidly making her way to them.

“The flowers are exactly how you asked for them,” the girl said, “What else can I help you with?”

“Thank you, Ga-Yoon. You’ve been a life-safer today.” Ji-Soo said, giving her the warmest smile she could manage.  It pained her when she thought about the Song House.  They, out of all the Houses, probably got the worst deal.  Their household had not produced a viable Hybrid for many years, so after the war the government assigned a Hybrid to them. The only people who knew exactly what happened on the night that Taehyung came to claim the Song House, were not talking. Ji-Soo hoped the rumors were exaggerated, but feared that it had probably been worse than anyone could even guess.  All the men had been killed, the women had not been touched; at least not physically. Ga-Yoon and her mother’s mental strain was clearly evident in how they jumped at every noise, and had an almost manic need to be as helpful as they possibly could.  The forced cheerfulness seemed ghoulish, and Ji-Soo just wanted to hug both women and not let them go.  The only thing really known about Taehyung was that the House who had bred him, was one of the lesser noble Houses from the countryside and that they had been obliterated during the war.

Seeing the girl stiffen, and the hush that fell over the room; Ji-Soo assumed that the Hybrids were here.  Turning, she watched with the others as six men walked into the room.  It truly was a sight to behold.  Six devastatingly handsome men, who everyone knew could kill them in an instant.  Ji-Soo pushed aside the little thought, that wondered where her own handsome killer was. Squaring her shoulders, she walked towards the group, very grateful when her mother fell in beside her.

“The final preparations are done, Gentlemen.” Ji-Soo’s mother said.

“I am sure that when the General gets here, he will be pleased.” Jin said as he looked around the room.  “The journalists and photographers will be here soon, and the Generals ETA is about 5 minutes.”  

Awkward silence fell after Jin finished speaking, and the Hybrids made their way over to where the members of their respective Houses were.  Ji-Soo couldn’t help but watch the Songs’ while Taehyung approached.  They seemed to shrink in on themselves, and hurried over to where the Park family was congregating.  Taehyung stood next to Jimin, looking up at the ceiling and quietly humming, seeming to have no interest in what the other man was telling everyone.  Catching her staring, Taehyung smiled, and gave her a quick wink.

Jerking her eyes away from him, Ji-Soo felt her face heat up and a small shiver go down her spine. She found herself feeling grateful that she only had to deal with Namjoon.  Just then, the door opened and the man himself was walking into the room. He was impeccably dressed in a black tux; and Ji-Soo found herself taking note of how attractive he looked. Pushing that annoying thought aside, she went to meet him.

“Are you ready to smile for the camera, and spend the night acting like you are proud and happy to be a part of the Kim House?” Namjoon asked, and then looked around the room. “Everything seems in order.”

“If that is your way of saying things look nice, thank you.” Ji-Soo said, forcing herself not to roll her eyes.  “I won’t start blubbering to the journalists about how I was forced to marry you, don’t worry.  I know what is expected of me.”

“Shall we, then?” Namjoon placed his hand at her back, as they both walked to their place by her mother. Ji-Soo cursed her damn heart for kicking up a notch at the warmth that his hand created.  Coming to their designated place, Namjoon got a nod from each of the other heads of house, before he gave the signal for the main doors to be opened.

A night of smiling, bowing, and forced laughing was beginning.  Ji-Soo reminded herself that this was truly for a good cause, and even if it also pushed through the new governments agenda, at least the Hospital would get the money and supplies it desperately needed.  Plastering a smile on her face, she started welcoming the swarm that was making its way into the room.

```

 “I need to speak with you, General.” Yoongi quietly said.  Namjoon excused himself from speaking with a hospital administrator and followed his second in command into another room.  The initial photos and interviews were done, and now was the tedious small-talk part of the night.  Namjoon hated small talk.

“What do you have to report?” Namjoon asked.

“Nothing whatsoever.” Yoongi said with a small smile.  “I figured you could use a break before you started telling all those bastards what you truly thought.  All though, that could be fun to see.”

Sighing, Namjoon rolled his shoulders back, releasing some of the tension he had been carrying. “Would you have ever thought that we would be at a party with the very people who felt that how you and I were made and trained was a good idea?”

Shrugging, Yoongi leaned against the wall.  “I wanted to kill everyone and go down in a blaze of glory.  The powers that be wanted to kill the main baddies, and then force everyone else to bend to their will.  After being at this party, I say my idea was the better one.”.

Chuckling, Namjoon felt himself relax a bit.  Yoongi was an Intel Hybrid.  He was made to be silent.  To blend into the background.  To lull people into a false sense of security.  He was the face you couldn’t exactly recall, and then were shocked when you realized you had just told him all your deep dark secrets.  He seemed to move slowly, be lazy, and not as strong as the other hybrids.  It was a well-developed camouflage.  Intels were a force to be reckoned with and had no problem using any means necessary to get the information they were sent in to find.  Yoongi was an especially good Intel.  Even Namjoon would be terrified if Yoongi was sent in to get information out of him.  Intels and B Hybrids were made to work well together.  Both highly intelligent and even though the B was always the leader, the Intel was the right-hand man who could guide the B down the right path when needed.  In training, Namjoon had been placed with another Intel, but had always gravitated to Yoongi.

“What is the news on the reports of the rebel fractions?” Namjoon asked.

“You really want to go into that here?” Yoongi asked, rolling his eyes.  “General, this is a party.  You should be out there mingling with the snobs and smiling at your beautiful wife.”

“Yoongi-“

“Fine, fine.” Yoongi laughed, amused at Namjoon’s discomfort when Ji-Soo was mentioned.  “The rebels are still well hidden.  They seem to be one step ahead of us.”  At that, Yoongi lost his lazy facade and Namjoon could see the anger.

“In other words,” Namjoon said, “we have a mole.”

```

 Ji-Soo was drunk.  The benefit had been an amazing success, and she celebrated.  She did it after she got home, so that those snooty Jeons’ wouldn’t have more ammunition to use against her.  Stepping out onto the balcony, she looked towards Namjoon’s room.  The light was on.  Without really thinking about the consequences, Ji-Soo went and tapped on his door with her glass.

“You know you’re a son of a bitch, right?”

Namjoon just raised one eyebrow, and then stepped out of his room.  Ji-Soo plopped down in one of the chairs taking another sip of her drink.

“Well?” Ji-Soo asked.

“You want me to answer if I know I am a son of a bitch?” Namjoon asked, a small smile on his lips.

“Yes! No.  Oh, hell I don’t know.  I’m drunk.” Ji-Soo finished her glass and placed it on the floor, then motioned for Namjoon to sit down next to her.  After only a second of hesitation, he sat.

“Other than your truly interesting question, is there another reason you knocked on my door?” Namjoon asked.

“I was a success, you know!” Ji-Soo jumped up and made her way to the railing.  Turning, she gave Namjoon a huge smile.  “Finally, I did something that my mother could feel proud of. Something that can shut up those Jeon Hags!”  Stumbling slightly, she came back towards the chairs, and stood in front of Namjoon. “Except, it really wasn’t me.  It was you.  You and your murderous bunch of male models.”  Leaning in, she steadied herself with one hand on his shoulder, and then used the other to poke his chest.  “That ticks me off!  The only reason the benefit was any good was because of you.  I don’t like you, but now I feel like I have to thank you.”

Namjoon was truly smiling now.

Ji-Soo took a step back and stumbled.  Before she could hit the ground, Namjoon stood and wrapped his arms around her, bringing her flush with his body.

“Your eyes don’t look so mean and dead tonight.” Ji-Soo whispered, tucking her head to his chest.

Namjoon knew that she was going to be embarrassed as hell in the morning, if she even remembered this at all, but he was thoroughly enjoying her cuddling into him at the moment.  His body wanted to take it to the next level, but he wouldn’t.  Not like this.

“Ji-Soo, you need to go to bed.” Namjoon whispered, hating that she was pulling away from his grasp.

Mumbling what sounded like “dimpled devil”, Ji-Soo gave him a weird little salute and then made her way back to her room.  Namjoon stood for a little while, listening to her run into things and swear, before he went into his own room and used the intercom to call for a servant to help Ji-Soo get settled for the night.  After a while, he finally saw the light go off in her room.  

In bed, he found himself chuckling at the things Ji-Soo said.  Even though they were not very flattering, he liked how honest she was.  In fact, he was pretty sure she would have said all the unflattering things to him without the help of alcohol.  It was the other little things that she wouldn’t have said to him.  Letting him know that she was thankful.  Letting him know that she has worried about her mother all these years.  In a round about way, letting him know that she thought he was good-looking.  Then the random comment about his dimples.  These all lead him to believe that she didn’t only see him as a monster. That thought, and the memory of how his wife felt snuggling into his chest helped him have the first nightmare free sleep in years.

```

 The man walked down a trash strewn alley, and rapped on a door.  Codes were exchanged.  Money switched hands.  After the man was gone, a group talked about how they were going to take down the hybrids and their government.  Starting with Kim Namjoon, the Head Assassin.  It was interesting to them, that his new wife was more than just a power play to gobble up Noble Houses.

```

 In a brightly lit room, the pounding music abruptly came to a stop.  The door creaked open, and the prisoner watched, through the one good eye he had left, as Yoongi sauntered into the room.  

“Went to a party tonight, before coming to see you.” Yoongi smiled as he leaned against the desk that was across from the bound man.  You know, I have a reluctant respect for you, my friend.  You are one strong man.”  Yoongi pulled out a photo from the desk drawer.  Bringing it closer to the prisoner, he could see him tense.  He even started trying to pull at his bindings, something the prisoner hadn’t done for days now.  “Did you really think I wouldn’t be able to find your lover?  Not smart to have someone close to you.  Lets you have a weakness.”  Tapping the photo against his thigh, Yoongi went back to the desk.  “I wonder if In-Sook will be as strong as you?  I’m afraid I might just have to find out, unless you start talking about how the rebels are getting information.”

[waitinginthedarke]

Lets talk BLOCK B in London

First off, if you weren’t a B-Bomb stan before that concert, its pretty safe to say if you were sat anywhere within the vicinity of my seat, you damn well are now! That boy has some serious fan service that ropes you in without telling you! From his effortless beauty that shines the minute he steps on stage, to his favourite English food of Cottage Pie (Who taught him that?), to the intense stares he was giving the entire left hand side of the balcony which, might i just say, are literally soul-sucking whenever his eyes land on you! Its safe to say, i’d give my entire life’s earnings to see B-Bomb smile at me again. O.O

But i digress.

To be honest, i probably owe everyone an apology for being a little too excited the entire hour we were seated leading up to the beginning of the show, so if there was a girl by you with deely boppers and grey/purple hair that was shouting and dancing too much to the sound system, I apologize for any inconvenience i caused you!  (I was just trying to make everyone a little more hype!) ;)

But its safe to say, the minute the lights went down and the VCR began, i could not stop screaming. And the moment they all came out, skipping onto stage whooping, Zico going above and beyond the level of hype i expected- I was gone, im pretty sure the scream that left me was long and continuous and did not stop for the entirety of the concert.

But shall we get onto the bit, that i know you’re all here for?

Block B, when seen with your very own eyes, are the epitome of beauty, and in the strangest sense, when you see them, reality comes squeezing in around you, and you’re forced to realize in that moment that their little feet start dancing around the stage, that they are in fact ACTUAL human beings. 

Along with this, the most prominent understanding you are forced to come to, is that, that Taeil that you’ve always seen on screen and in pictures, is LITERALLY JUST AS CUTE AND SMOL as he is in real life. I could not stop staring at how adorable he is- regardless of how manly he might actually see himself as. 

I was also forced to accept the true herculean form of Kim Yukwon’s thighs, and the reality of exactly why he’s got a girlfriend and has had her since debut and beyond- the boy is GORGEOUS. 

I had to confront myself about the reality that Jaehyo really is an extremely tall Ahjumma crossed with Adonis. And i cannot tell you the enjoyment i got watching him get to the end of the 3rd song, before seeing his face start to show the pain of exercise and dancing whilst all his other members were still happily bouncing away (because SAME). And by the half way mark, he had almost completely given up and had began to piss about with U-Kwon, who continuously tried to jab him in the ribs.

And then came Kyung. Now, im not the biggest Kyung stan as im sure most are aware. HOWEVER, i cannot deny him the fact that he is incredibly cute in his gestures, and he was SO HYPE to be in London! I swear to God he didn’t stop smiling the entire time, and i think that is one of the main memories that i will take away from that experience, is the huge arm heart that Kyung kept showing to the 2nd level- plus, when he smiles AS HES LOOKING AT YOU, you’re sure to go home happy. Although, can we just also talk about his miniature English q&a session (because he was all too aware he is the most fluent in English out of all of them), in which he asked the members about their favourite British foods, (hence B-Bomb and cottage pie) and he tried to rip into them for their adorable simplistic answers? Quick run down:

B-Bomb - Cottage Pie (proud of himself) Jaehyo - burger and fries? (I think, was very shy and awkward when he said it xD) U-Kwon - five guys (also pretty enthusiastic)  Zico - fish and chips (very VERY enthusiastic, could be the new mascot for fish and chips tbh) Taeil - (i feel like it was something generically English but i cant remember, my bad)  Kyung - just giggled the whole time.

Now, lets move onto Zico. That boy, was LIVING for being in London. Before i got there, i got the feeling he was pretty excited to be here through his insta posts, but he could not stop going on about it the whole time, exceedingly smiley and energetic through the entire first half (and second half to be honest) but after Conduct for Zero (when he filled in for P.O- I was sad, but it was a lit stage) he just seemed so happy to be there, and seemed to genuinely be having the time of his life. He was ALL TOO HAPPY to speak English for pretty much the entire time, and just seemed so proud of himself to be able to do so, which was so adorable i cannot tell you! But after seeing Block B live, you can really understand what kind of a group leader he is; efficient, compassionate, and just BAWSE!! 

One of the songs which was a game changer for me, was the heavy rock version of Very Good they played!! Like holey moley, that was LIT TO HIGH HEAVENS!! (i’ll upload a video clip in a mo). But also NICE DAY WAS INSANE! And Taeil carried it SOOO well- if you ever do anything in your life, see Lee Taeil sing them high notes live man!! It is WORTH IT! But tbh, the highlight of that night, despite the lacking of P.O’s presence- which i think i would have legitimately fainted at- was Zero For Conduct. I’ve always been a HUGE Bastarz fan!...but seeing that live, has changed my life! Sincerely.

And also, you might be thinking, but how did the other members feel? Zico and Kyung were happily chatting away in English, but what about the others? However, despite wondering this myself, when the ‘thank you’-esq time came around, they had such a good translation system working, and although i initially thought it would be awkward, the minute the crowd started responding to what the translator was saying after the boys had spoken, it just became such a beautiful and warming atmosphere, because i dont know about everyone else, but i was soo happy to know how the boys felt about London, and the end of their Europe tour in general. And after Zico took his hat off for us like he said he would if we genuinely impressed him, i can honestly say, any normal band will never live up to the experience of a block b/kpop concert in general.

And on a final note, lets just talk about the fan service again, cause i still cant get over B-Bomb and i dont think i ever will. He is Apollo, he is sunshine on a rainy day, he is a tragically beautiful painting, and for as long as i live i will never forget the entire 5-6 times i locked eyes with that man and shared in his smile. Because even though I got to wave at Taeil who was waving and pulling many a sad/funny face at the second floor area, and even though Kyung may have shot a heart in my direction, and coupled it with the cheesiest grin i ever did see, neither of them for some reason compare to the utter, graceless beauty, that is B-Bomb’s smile when directed specifically at you.

I’d say more about Zico, but his attention was mostly on the front row and the standing crowd, and im not entirely sure he could see the balcony seats and up well- but he was having a grand time regardless. Jaehyo was smiling throughout, but i got the sense from him, that despite the fact he was having a good time, he was tired from the end of tour. And U-kwon was really just playing with the girls hearts in the front row the entire night- so if you were down there, r.i.p after Kim Yukwon.

And alas, here i sit. Crying over remembering all the little details of the show, that as soon as it started seemed like it only took 5 minutes before it was ending, cause i was simply enjoying myself so much. The Post-concert blues are real, and i think that concert truly did change my entire life, but if there is one bit of advice i’d give anyone who was thinking of going to a kpop concert, or any concert in general in the future...its simply to take a moment to take it in, it wont ever be enough, but as long as you take a moment for yourself to realize that what you’re experiencing is real, then it’ll all be okay.

P.S. imma probs do another post tomorrow with everything i’ve forgotten from this one, but for now, enjoy my reliving of ‘Blockbuster in London’. <3

[kawaii-yeong-blog]

Kim Taehyung Imagine

Pairing: Kim Taehyung X Reader

Genre: Fluff, Friendship

Warning: Contains self harm

Summary: A girl named Y/N goes through a lot of hardships and loses her confidence and gets herself involved in self harm. She finally finds her long last friend after many years. 

NOTE: This is my first time writing a fanfiction. Hope that you guys support me a lot and welcome me as a new comer. I also take requests. Please do correct my mistakes I will gladly accept it. Love u guys!!! Do send me requests if you guys need one. Thank you soo much!!! Enjoy Reading!! 

It was raining heavily. The aroma that arouse from the mud was pleasant. The flowers were pretty with drizzles which added more beauty to them. Everything was beautiful and calm except for a girl whose face was drowned in tears. The people around her didn't notice her as they were too busy in admiring the nature. When everything was going peaceful there occurred a thunder, lighting and heavy rain. Due to the heavy rain everyone ran towards a shelter except for the depressed girl.

A guy of her school has been noticing her for the past few days and he being benevolent thought of approaching her today. The guy gained his courage and moved towards the girl.

Y/N POV

Lately I have been facing a lot of problems. I am being bullied in school and abused at my home. I was sitting on a bench in the park that I usually visit. Even that stormy weather didn't give me the thought to move as I was deep in my thoughts.

A deep calming voice interupted me. I looked up to have a look at the person. When my eyes met his he flashed a cute rectangular smile. His features were perfect and he looked like an angel. My admiration was interupted by his beautiful voice.

"Hmmm......... Anneyong! I am Kim Taehyung and I know that you are Y/N". He said.

Kim Taehyung!! Why does the name sound familiar to me???? "H-How do you know my name?" I asked. "Well I am a student from the same school as yours. I've have been noticing you for the past few days and from what I observed I noticed that you are facing depression." "Uhmm.........."

I didn't know whether to tell him about the hardships that I face. And I just stared at the picture that I held in my hand. My closest friend of all who I couldn't meet because of some circumstances. Kim Taehyung!!!! I found another fellow with the same as yours but........ When will I be able to see you again.

Kim Taehyung POV

"Uhmm.........." she said and looked at something that was placed on her hand. My eyes met the picture she was looking at. It was me and Y/N!!!! Is she the Y/N that I am searching for??

"Y/N" I said and I hugged her. She was shocked. "Y/N I've been searching for you for a long time. I am really sorry for leaving you alone with your abusive father. Because of some circumstances I had to leave this city. Now that I have elucidated my matter, I came back to search for you."

Y/N POV

My eyes were filled with tears. Finally being able to meet him makes me happy. But......... Kim Taehyung!!! I am happy that I finally met you. But I don't think that I will be able to stay here for long with you. I am really sorry.

"TaeTae I am really glad that I finally met you. I faced a lot of hardships after you left me. I had no one to trust and rely on." I said while crying. Taehyung then hugged me and comforted me. He then held my hands. I then winced and took my hand away from his grip.

Kim Taehyung POV

I saw Y/N getting awkward. I then grabbed her hand and pulled her sleeves up. Her skin was covered with stains of blood and i spotted a lot of razor and knife marks. Did she involve herself in self harm????

"Y/N why did you do this?" I was worried. "Tae I'm really sor........." she didn't complete her sentence as she blacked out  in my arms.

I took her to the hospital where my friend Kim Seokjin works. "Taehyung who is she???" "Hyung she is Y/N the one I used to always talk about." I replied. "The one who you love, is she that Y/N???". "Yes hyung, I approached to her today......" I then narrated the whole incident. " By the way there is nothing to worry about her. She is alright but......... make sure that she doesn't involve herself in to self harm. She had fainted because she had taken 3 dosages of expired pills."

"What!!!!???". "Yes, it is true and yep, she did cut herself with razors and knifes. Taehyung you have to take care of her." Jin said.

"Sure hyung I will take care of her. Can I go inside to look at her.". "Go inside but don't disturb her she has to take a lot of rest as she has been starving too."

"Thanks hyung!!" with that I ran inside the room. I saw her sleeping, she looks really pretty, cute, beautiful and what not!!! I secured her hands by placing them between my hands. "Y/N its all my mistake for leaving you alone. I shouldn't have done that. I thought I would cause more harm to you. Your dad asked me to leave you, he said that he would kill you if I didn't leave you. He also said that if I take you with me then he would kill you. So..... I left you,thinking that my decision will benefit you, but I guess it was erroneous. I promise you that I will never make that mistake again. I don't know whether you are hearing me right now but.... I would like to tell you something...................... I LOVE YOU Y/N!!!!!"

I then noticed tears flowing down her cheeks.

Y/N POV

I heard everything that Taehyung said. Tears started to flow down my cheeks.

Taehyung left me to protect me, to see me safe. Did he just say that he loves me. I guess that I'm not the only one who had that feeling!!!!

I then felt something soft on my lips. I opened my eyes and saw Taehyung with his lips placed on mine. He kissed me with compassion and love. I melted with the touch of his soft lips. I slowly began to kiss him back. I am glad that Taehyung stole my first kiss. After sometime we parted for taking our breaths.

"Taehyung..... d-do you seriously........ l-love me ?" I asked him. "I love you so much Y/N !!!!"

"The day you left me, you called me to visit you at the park there. What did you want to tell??".

Kim Taehyung POV

"The day you left me, you called me to visit you at the park there. What did you want to tell??". She asked me. I was amused by the fact that she remembered about what I told her a year ago before I left her.

"Y/N I actually called you to .............. confess my love to you but guess what.......... that's when you dad called me and the whole stuff happened. I apologize for leaving you alone in the park that day and for leaving you without informing you about it. Now i realised my mistake so, I am back to protect you." Right when I finished speaking she hugged me tightly. It seemed like she didn't want to leave me.

" Tae..... I loved you so much but....I thought that my confeesion would put an end to our friendship. That day I also wanted to confess to you about my feelings. I got you a gift that day, but I guess it wasn't the right day. Taehyung I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! and I mean it." She then cried while hugging me tightly. I then embraced her in my arms.

"Tae do you min-" I cut her off. "Y/N call me oppa. We are offically in relationship aren't we?" She chuckled and nodded her head. "Taehyung oppa, do you mind passing me my bag" she asked. I nodded my head and reached out for her bag. "Y/N before I give you the bag I want you to close your eyes."

"Why oppa???" she asked me curiously. "Just do what I say." I told her calmly. She nodded and closed her eyes. "Y/N-ssi put you hand left hand out." She obeyed my orders. "Y/N open your eyes" she then opened her eyes."Y/N will you be my girlfriend???" I then pulled out a box with a ring inside it.

Y/N POV

"Y/N will you be my girlfriend???" He then pulled out a box with a ring inside it. I cried happy tears and nodded my head. He then put the ring on my finger and embraced and secured me in his arms. I felt protected and loved and I hugged him back.

I then broke then hug. Taehyung pouted and had a confused look on his face. He looked so cute!!! "Oppa give me my bag." He then handed me my bag. I still had the gift that I got him the day he left me. "Oppa I just have a small gidt for you. Close you eyes oppa." he nodded his head and closed his eyes. I took his hand and placed the ring on his finger. Taehyung then opened his eyes and smiled.

"I love you Y/N"

"I love you Taehyung oppa"

Both of us cuddled each other for sometime untill we heard a cough which distracted us from the beautiful moment.

Kim Taehyung POV

Jin hyung!!! Seriously do you have to disturb us!!!!  "Taehyung, Y/N-ssi can go back home. just make sure that she eats the medicines that are prescribed."

"Okay hyung!" I will have to talk to Y/N about self harm!!!!

"Just make sure that you guys don't disturb the other patients by doing that in the hospital" Jin hyung laughed earning some glares from me. He laughed awkwardly and said "I will now take a leave, see you guys later!".

I then noticed Y/N blushing hard for the comment that Jin hyung made. I decided to ask her about self harm. "Y/N?"

"Yes oppa!"

"Why did you involve yourself into self harm?, you shouldn't eat all those expired pills and cut yourself!". She then cried. "Oppa after you left me I didn't have anyone to protect me or listen to me. I was lonely and the only way I had to put away the pain was...... Self harm! That helped me to put away the pain. I wanted to die yesterday so i ate those pills but then, you saved me."

I hugged her. "Y/N, past is past and now that you have me share all your feeling with me and yes NEVER DO SELF HARM!" She nodded and hugged me back. I kissed her on her lips passionately, she replied me back with her kiss. After sometime we broke the kiss. I saw Y/N blushing. I then pinched her cheeks "Y/N you are so damn cute!"

"I love you Y/N!"

"I love you Taehyung!"

Y/N POV

After that we went back home and slept together peacefully in each others embrace. I finally restored the happiness in my life. Thank you Taehyung for coming back into my life. I love you so much! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Author's Note:

Hey guys this is my first story. I hope it wasn't long and yep i hope that you guys enjoyed reading it.

Tell me if there is anything missing in it or if anything is wrong, I would surely love to correct myself!

Love you all!! Thanks for supporting!!!

[drennalynspast]

[ austin and bewilderedness ]

Friday, May. 02, 2008

[ austin and some good news ]

so around friday early evening we left to go to austin.  jacob and shagun were the ones who were driving.  ricky (jacob's cute queer roomate) also came along too. on the highway, there was a stupid semi that stopped in the middle of the road. the car in front of us was stopping and we had to quickly change lanes so we wouldn't slam our brakes.  >.>  we almost ran into the car next to us too..if the other car hadn't changed lanes.  ricky had a gps thing on his phone.  it helped us a lot in navigating.

we arrived in austin around 12 am lol.  we drove to find this street where there was a lot of stuff of eateries and shopping strip (that was close to the UT campus). then, we searched for a hotel to stay for the night.  of course we wanted a relatively cheap hotel.  around  $50-65.  we figured, 'let's go to a super 8 motel'.  we drove in the parking lot and there were cop cars all around with the lights flashing.  and we saw some sketchy black person outside  lolol.  we didn't get a good vibe.  "uhmm...let's go somewhere else. " "i agree"

we went somewhere called the 'rodeway inn".  we looked at the parking lot and there appeared to be nice cars around.  one of the guys walking in the rooms seemed well kept.  so we decided to try it there for one night to see how it goes.  the room was okay.  later on, we turned on the light and we saw this  EFFING HUUUGE cockroach that crawled up the wall.  it was soo disgusting. it was the largest cockroach i have ever seen. and you can see its antennas. ricky and i were freaking out.  

jacob and shagun were like..oh wow uhh.  we had to go to walgreens and get some supplies.  i forgot my toothbrush, retainers, and phone charger >.>  so i got a toothbrush.  we got a can of raid too to spray our room with also.  we found another dead cockroach near the toilet seat and one under the bed.  O_o..... we pretty much established that we are sleeping with the lights on.  (cockroaches supposedly dont' come out in light).  damn, i wanted to get duct tape and tape my mouth shut.  just in case one were to crawl on me *shivers*

luckily we survived that night. the next day, we packed our bags outta that hotel.  next, we went to go to that one street near the campus with the shops and food places.  we mostly looked through the stores.  we wanted to go eat sushi in downtown austin.   the jap restaurant  was closed during the afternoon.

after that, we drove to red rock.  a place close to austin.  it had a recently new outlet mall in there.at red rock, we were disappointed in the stores.  we didn't feel like browsing through a lot of stuff and the clothes were pretty shitty.  (since outlet malls sells the 'defective' items that were made in the factories for a cheaper price :/)  lol we were joking, hey there's a starbucks here.  "it's cheap because it's irregular". red rock outlets wasn't amusing after we tried it look through it.

after outlet shopping, we went to find another hotel.  the night at rodeway, we were on our laptops researching where to find the next better hotel and getting directions.  we decided to go to holiday inn.  it was more expensive..like 30+ more.  but we wanted something better to compensate for our bad night at rodeway.  cockroach free. it was okay.  been a while since i stayed at hotels.  it felt weird being in one.  somehow, i just don't care about semen on sheets anymore lol . i just don't want cockroaches and bedbugs. >.<  if i get pregnant soon, you'll know why x_x. 

we chilled at the hotel for a while and headed out to go look to eat dinner somewhere.  we went back to that same street near campus and ate at a vegan place.  it was pretty good.  i ate some of ricky's sushi that he ordered lolol.  after that, we stopped by this one store where jacob's UT friend helped prepare the opening for.  this guy is like in PR or whatever.  we all said hi to the guy and left.  after that, we walked around the UT austin campus at night. 

zomg, the ut campus was soo big and pretty.  everyone [jacob etc] felt so ashamed for being at ou.  >.>  man, imagine how i freaking feel. c'mon, i go to swosu. :/  they had a lot of stuff. like a bowling alley and pool tables etc in the lower student union.  zomg -this computer lounge area was so awesome.  hmm some random culture rooms above the union.  nice architecture structures all around.  ut campus is obviously right in the center of the austin capitol city.  along that shopping/dining strip, you see a lot of diverse kind of people. some of the people were way too happy riding bikes.  and you see random hippies on the street.  (lol at the weird shirtless guy on the street O_o).  people actually had some style going on in their fashion too.  we took some pictures of us around campus and stuff - running around at night heh.

after the campus browsing (which wasn't much, soo huge and so little time.  i wanted to see the dorms, but it was farther >.>)/ , we went to starbucks and chillaxed.  then, we headed back towards the hilton...i mean, holiday inn.  we went to bed pretty early lol 10:30-11:00 pm ish.  and we woke up around 10-10:30 am.  we were dead tired.</p><p>on the drive back, we still slept. there was nothing else to do.  we ate lunch at luby's cafeteria.  there wasn't a lot of luby's in oklahoma, and ricky missed eating there as a child.  we went there.  there was a lot of old people there..and kids... but the food was good (expensive too :/).  we were so full though.  i couldn't finish my cheesecake arhghhg.

yepyep------------------------------------

[monday]  so after classes, as usual, i was browsing on my computer.  my roomate comes in the room and says the college of pharmacy sent me a letter.  i was thinking, 'omg...so soon!?" x_x.  i wasn't sure what i was feeling at that time.  i knew that if i got rejected, i wouldn't be disappointed.  it was as if i was preparing myself to be rejected somehow.  i opened the letter and stared at it.  i kept reading it over and over again.

>lolwut?  “Dear Ms. XXXX:I am happy to inform you of your conditional acceptance to the College of Pharmacy for the Fall semester 2008"

at that moment, i was flabergasted, bewildered, weirded, and elated.  seriously, omfg, i got accepted.  deep down inside i felt lucky.  obviously i have this inferiority complex where i was skeptical of my acceptance - i don't have an amazing gpa ...hell..even my pcat score is non remarkable.  i was surprised how other people i knew weren't called for an interview etc.  

i feel like people could hate me if they knew of my academic status. but...fuck damnit. screw it all - whatever this inferiority complex i have.  somehow, the admissions committee saw something in me that stood out.  maybe it was autobiographical sketch? maybe it was my interview (which i actually felt pretty confident i did well in)?  maybe it was something in my persona/character that stood out despite my academic blemishes. maybe god is watching me and telling me not to give up?

nonetheless, i feel like i have a reason to believe in myself more. i think i should be more motivated now. i still need to do well in organic 2 during the summer to actually be formally accepted in pharm school.  damnit, i can't screw up this time.  i really want to try hard not to fuck this opportunity. ashdjahfds i really hope i can survive organic 2.  i'm so scared. T_T i just need to make a 'c'.  in pharmacy school, i believe my gpa will be a clean slate. so, there is time to redeem myself. i have to prove to others that i am academically capable and deserving of my admittance - also, i need to improve my character as well -_-.

-----------------------------------

[ random disappointment(s)?] - for some odd reason, i was feeling sad on thursday.  it was quite a trivial thing.  i think the reason was just a dumb one. i happened to finish some random pieces of art i was working on, and i posted the works online.  i was hoping to receive some feedback and recognition on them.  though, i didn't really get much response. >.>

why am i not getting any comments damnit? maybe because my art sucks/they don't like it, i'm not popular, people don't know what to say (or they are lazy to say anything), or they hate me?

after brooding, a nap, and working out, i don't feel [too] sad anymore about it (at the moment anyway:|)   ohwait. still kind of irked.  i just hate it when i put hard work into these art things and receive no feedback from them.  it pisses me off rather. i'm not talking about wanting appraisal..but just critique comments that help me improve and shit.  i actually don't complain about it publicly in my art galleries. i don't want to cause a scene. though, i'll rant/vent about my frustration here. XD

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[ehhh sure] - i bumped into an 'acquaintance friend' the other day.  he asked me how i was doing. he asked for my number, and wondered if we could hang out sometime.  i was kind of reluctant to really hang out with this person.  but i gave my number and agreed to hang out later on sometime.  

he called me to confirm the time and stuff and he asked me what things i like to do/what i do in my freetime. me: uh...browse online...workout...  o_o?.....him: i can see that you have a lot of friends. me:...>.> yeah i know i don't have much of a life.

seriously, i don't think i have much of a life.  i don't watch a lot of movies.  i don't play sports.  err...i like to do art and stuff... but who the hell does that kind of hobby?  not a lot of people....sometimes i hate ruining people's expectations of me.  like..somehow people usually seem to be fascinated with exterior sides of people and not no a clue of who the person is really like.  i admit, i can be that kind of judgmental person too.

anyways, i feel like it is going to be awkward hanging out with this guy. i can anticipate myself holding back in how i express myself >.>. ughhg seriously, why am i picky when it comes to hanging out with people? sooo laem.

[lady-nevermore]

I’ve decided, in correlation with writing about my therapy sessions via my “Therapy-Blog”, that I wanted to also write these so-called letters to no-one (in order to help me vent, look back in hindsight, let go of the past, or simply just to look back fondly on / reminiscence).

….Dunno If I’m gonna tell my therapist about these Letters (I’ll probably will, since one of the main reasons I have high anxiety levels, not to mention agoraphobia, when it comes to me barely leaving my house, is mostly due to the fact that I’m terrified of facing my old high-school friends again.

…..I’m afraid of what they’ll think once they know what’s become of me after all these damned years (these damned 7-9 long-ass years); I fear the confrontation that will occur between them and myself after my depression lead me to the choice of just cutting them all off and out of my life like that (trust me they have every right to feel pissed/angry….they were, maybe even still are, probably worried sick for me going off the grid like that). And worse still, I think, I might fear their want for reconnecting with them and seeing their disappointment in me as well as their pity for me instead.

Disclaimer: The people whom I’ll be writing these letters to will remain anonymous for obvious reasons, nor will I actually be sending (or wanting for them to read) these so-called letters (hence why I’m calling/tagging these as “Letters to No One”….but yeah, anyways, you get the gist, so let’s begin.

Dear C***** (Codename: Cisco-Kid)...due to the fact that you always loved SF and I remember you telling me of how it was always your biggest dream of living there someday).

Dear Cisco-Kid,

I can definitely say that you were among one of my closest friends (in real life that is); and I don’t think that you ever really knew what i was going through towards the end there, before I fell off the grid so to speak (i never really told anyone in our group of friends nor you, about my messed-up past, or of my struggling anxiety/depression issues...hell I didn’t even realize that was what I was struggling with all this time, so yeah, not really at least....I mean i did tell you (among our group of friends) very vaguely/briefly that i suspected that i might have long-term depression, but I never went into greater detail....I remember cause everyone in our group, including you, reacted to that with stone-cold silence (Besides Panda-Boy, who was probably the only one who gave me a gentle look of understanding)...but yeah.

We met during our freshmen year of highschool (and we just got closer as best friends from then on out), and even though we may have butted heads from time to time (via our differing viewpoints of how we perceived the world....me starting to become more liberal/open-minded towards the end of high-school,  and you still being sort of moderate/conservative), but we still had some pretty good times in the past, at least that’s what I choose to remember back fondly on. 

Its funny, cause looking back, we didn’t really have all that much in common really: I was (and still am) obsessively really into anime/manga, harry potter, pirates of the caribbean, star trek, a number of my other nerdy fandoms, etc.... whilst you on the other hand weren’t really a huge nerd to begin with (you were waaaay more casual about things and were into rap/hip-hop/r&b music, converse shoes / hat brands, and playing Call of Duty/Grand Theft Auto). And into more casual, non-nerdy stuff like that. 

What I find ironic is how we ended up really bonding and establishing our friendship in the first place: Over Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, I remember cuase at the time it was just coming out and as we were both walking from our Math class during our freshmen year of high school, and we started talking about it and how we were both hella stoked/excited about playing and beating it (hell we even started a competitive race to see how long it took each of us to beat it: You vs Me, in successfully completing and beating the game); it took us an entire month and it was really damned close, but you ended up beating it first by like a day or two before me. Good Times! xD

We had some really good times you, me, and Wolf (our trio always spent a lot of time together during our high school and after-school days); We’d hang-out at a lot of local places near our high-school, like: Starbucks, Yo-Sushi, or just chilling at you or Wolf’s place after school. Hell, remember that time we tried to sneak soft-drinks and snacks into the movie theater, but this one security mall-cop kept getting in the way (tbh, I think the security mall cop had a lot of fun trying to chase us off). lol xD  I also, remember all those times of how we used to have three-way phone-call conversations between the three of us: Me, you and Wolf  (as well as discovering/using AIM, My Space and later on FaceBook when they were first starting to become a thing) and us three just talking/chatting about a lot of stuff: Helping each other with homework mostly, listening and giving advice to each other in regards to personal and silly high-school teenage problems: like dealing with high-school drama or crushes, but also just having deep-ass philosophical conversations about everything and nothing (sometimes with Panda-boy in the mix as well); those were some pretty good and fun times for sure! ^-^

And as you’ve have mentioned to me in the past, I’ve seen you through a lot of personal things together: You puking all over yourself (whilst driving/dropping me off to class at our local community college one morning) cause you had a horrible hangover and me being the mother-hen that I am, was hella concerned, asking if you were okay, I’ve seen you piss yourself (after you not being able to hold it in) after not being able to make it in time when we were walking to your house after school, Hell, I even remember the time you accidently shat yourself in class (and I helped excuse you from our advanced english composition class, after telling our teacher that you needed to urgently use the restroom); I remember cause afterwards, you were laughing your ass off with a huge-ass mischievous grin on your face, whilst telling me that you had to leave your soiled boxers on the toilet seat (we were both laughing in hysterics by that point). xD

....Hell you’re also probably one of the only friends whom i told that I was seriously questioning myself in regards towards my sexual orientation, and you took it well or at least i think you did (though it did get sorta annoying that you kept asking me if I thought that each girl that passed us by was hot/cute...and I may have sheepishly/bashfully humored you once or twice and gave you my thoughts on the matter) but regardless, you were surprisingly supportive nonetheless, and that really meant alot to me. ^^;

Hell, you’re also probably the only friend who has ever seen me cry (unintentionally to be sure) but the nonetheless you handled that moment with a gentle grace; you were concerned for me and kept asking me if I was okay whilst you even helped wiping a few of my tears, as I was was silently crying during class (because our Multi-Media teacher sorta lost his cool and yelled at our class). It was really sweet of you though, and I thank you for being there for me during that awkward yet vulnerable moment; it’s really rare for me to even allow myself to be that vulnerable around anyone (especially if it’s in front of a close-loved one or friend). But I really did appreciate it. 

I also remember how at one point, you had asked me if I was feeling like I was getting tired of our friendship; at the time (we were seniors/or had just graduated from high-school at the time I think) and I said No, and I reassured you that, that wasn’t the case at all.

^^^Keep in mind, this was well before our group of friends started to drift apart and well before the passing of my mentor/friend which was the catalyst that lead me to fail my community-college classes and drop out of community college leaving me in a pit of despair that had me falling into a deep deep depression/had a nervous breakdown that lead me to the choice of isolating myself/cutting everyone out of my life....trust me this is something I’m not proud of, if anything, I sort of ...even though it’s beens like 8 years now.... still regret/feel remorse and sometimes have a hard time forgiving myself for making such a cowardly choice). .....I also remember you telling me years back, and i remember this clearly, of how you didn’t approve of friends just “dropping you” out of their lives.

....Which is why, I think....No, I know that you’re one of the ones I’m the most afraid to reconnect with/confront the most especially after all these years; mostly because I’m afraid that you’ll be soo damn angry/pissed off at me (and rightfully so) that I went off the grid and turned my back on all our friends like that, and that you'll reject me and the idea of rekindling our friendship right off the bat; we’ve been through so much together...but at the same time, I also can’t deny that, despite it all, we were already drifting apart towards the end there anyways.

...And to be even more honest, i’m not even sure if I personally, still even want to reconnect. It’s been what, like 4-8 years since we’ve last seen each other, and we’re probably not the same people we used to be: I’ve become more liberal-minded/open-minded, and even more of a nerd in these past long-ass years, and you’re probably still not fond of liberal views and remain conservative/moderate in yours. There’s also the fact that you and I probably don’t even have any similar interests or anything all that in common anymore either (so small talk would be awkward as fuck, that along with the fact that due to my agoraphobia/anxiety issues, I’ve practically done nothing with my life since we last saw each other, and you finding out I’ve been going through therapy will definitely make things a helluva lot more awkward between us to be sure....and I don’t think I’m ready for that conversation just yet). 

....And what’s more..... even though I’m not entirely opposed to the idea of reconnecting in the future (hell, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t even want to, like I said, If I can’t even forgive myself, I’m sure you are even less likely to).... Well, to be perfectly honest, I sorta selfishly really want to/would much rather let go and move on from that stage of my life (cuz it feels like I’ve been stuck, living in the past for 8 years now....and my soul just feels soo damn weary of it all) and the concept of starting anew, meeting new friends, (which in a way I already have, with those I chat with here, thanks to tumblr) and just begin a new chapter of my life, really does sound a helluva lot more appealing, than dwelling on the past or dealing with opening that can of worms from our past (just in order to reconnect again). *sigh* -___-;

So yeah, i just want to apologize...I’m sorry if I hurt you (and the memory of me or our friendship hurts you to think about)... but I know that I can at least say that I don’t regret our friendship and that I can look back real fondly on our past friendship (and I hope you can too), in a sort of: “chuckling to myself with a huge ass smile” sorta way; we had several good, hell even great times together, and I will forever be glad and feel really fortunate of having met you all those years ago. You may not have known it, but you, like several of our other friends, have definitely made my life that much brighter and richer, and for that I thank you Cisco-Kid! :)

So yeah, I hope that you managed to accomplish all your dreams (and that you are having the time of your life living it up in SF like how you always dreamed of and told me you wanted to by age 25), but seriously though, thank you, thank you for our friendship and for all the great times (and now great memories) that we had. ^_^

Yours SIncerely (Your former High School Best-Friend),

Lady Nevermore