#its just late at night right now and i'm in a bit of a depressive dip

[ray-kitty]

ae. hi. sorry. i know i never post. anyway heres me posting some melodramatic lonely shit. might delete later but ultimately this is my personal blog so i can do what i want

idk how people make friends irl after school has ended. i used to have so many, and now i literally dont speak to any of them. i got cut off completely from everyone in my life bc of covid, and i don't use any social media really besides tiktok and kind of tumblr sometimes so i don't even super have a way of contacting people even if i WAS brave... but it's been almost 4 years now with not seeing anyone so i feel like i shouldnt even bother. im terrified to reach out to anyone despite them once being my closest friends. what if i'm a bother? what if they don't really want to see me? what if they're angry i was too afraid to put in the effort before? my mind tells me everyone i loved never cared for me as much as i did them, because surely if they did they would have thought of me, too- but that's just my mind being cruel to me. i know people just drift apart, this was just instant, is all, i guess. everyone i knew has gone on to have lives while i've practically become a hermit. i used to be so active and would go to cons and visit people and go out and have fun and now i've never been so lonely. it makes me feel so pathetic. i always thought i'd be friends forever- what do i do now that i've got no one?

[oceantornadoo]

Hiii can I request one of the boys (or all) comforting medic/surgeon reader, who’s in their unit, for not being able to save someone and reader goes into a depressive episode because reader has known them since they got recruited. They’re doing their best to cheer reader up, but it’s hard to budge through the stress of not being able to save a life. Thank you 🥹

this is not poly!141 so each blurb is that character x f!reader. some are established relationship, some are just unlabeled.

ao3 link

simon:

simon riley was a quiet man. that's why he liked you, always talking just because you were eager to share, never expecting him to reciprocate. he knew he was blunt, gruff, and (a bit) unlikeable, so it always seemed safer to respond in as little words as possible. on days like today though, he just had to say something. you hadn't said a word to anyone in a week (he checked) and stopped coming to every "optional" friendly hangout after a rough mission. you were holed up in your room ever since your patient had died, and he meant to do something about it.

"what." you said gruffly to the person knocking at the door. "'s me, dove." simon. "go away." instead of listening, you heard the door open. you turned around in your bed to face the wall, avoiding eye contact at all costs. "i'm not good company right now, si." you could practically hear him shrug. he closed the door with a sigh, the silence between you two enveloping the room in a cocoon. instead of hearing your desk chair sqeak, you heard a rustle of clothing, tac gear dropping to the floor. almost as if he was taking off his clothes? but there was no way, this was ghost, who wore a stupid mask and stupid gloves that always made you wonder about the veins underneath and-

and suddenly simon riley was climbing under the covers with you, clothed in only his boxers. you knew because he was everywhere, skin on skin, wedging one large, scarred thigh between yours. his left hand under your pillow, right hand sneaking its way to your waist. he drew shapes on your skin with his calloused hands, the only sound in the room the scrape of his skin on yours. "we'll get through this, yeah?" you nodded against him, not trusting yourself to speak, tears caught in your throat. simon nuzzled himself into your neck, and for the first time that week, you slept through the night.

johnny:

usually, you loved the sound of johnny's laughs, boisterous and fun, bringing energy into every conversation. this week, though, you couldn't stomach it. you stopped laughing at his jokes, stopped shoving him when he tried to put his arm around you, stopped engaging in his talk on comms when you had the mantle of field medic. you cringed when you saw the spark in his eyes dampen, but you couldn't seem to care when a similar image of your comrade dying on the field took a starring role in your nightmares.

this was your second nightmare tonight, the image of your comrade's bloody body, sinking into an open grave. you could almost feel the packed dirt in your throat, succumbing to the grave you put her in. and suddenly you were awake, blinking at the darkness of the room. you were so tired, emotionally drained, you didn't even think about where you were walking, just knew you were leaving your room. and suddenly, you were knocking on johnny's door, knowing he'd be up at this time. he swung open the door, misinterpreting what you were after. "bonnie. knew ye'd give me a late night call soon." you rolled your eyes at his joke, feeling an unwilling smile creep onto your face.

"not that kind of night, johnny." he winked anyways, ushering you into his room. "glad ta see you smile, lass." that dimmed your mood. you suddenly scrambling changing your mind. "well i just wanted to say hi but you're busy so i'll leave you to it-" johnny covered your mouth with his hand, effectively cutting off your thoughts. "up ye go." you squealed as he picked you up, depositing you onto his bed. he locked the door and turned off the light, keeping a nightlight on just for you. "yer gonna tell me about all those thoughts in that pretty head of yours, hm?" you nodded, and felt the weight lighten off your chest for the first time in weeks.

john:

john was your rock. a fellow higher-up, hardened by war and bittered by reality, wrapped up in a fatherly manner. he was all knowledge and hard truths with his men, but with you? on a day like today? after standing in blood for three hours, using half of the base hospital's resources to try to stop what should have been a typical infection that was actually poison? that fatherly attitude could shove it.

"need to search your office for poison, doctor." john was a shadow at your office door. "yeah, sure, whatever." you needed to put in requests for all the supplies used, finalize the death certificate, launch the investigation. the last thing you cared about was john following protocol. you didn't register the captain's movements until he was behind your chair, leaning down in your ear. "come on." he took your hand's off your laptop's keys, placing them in your lap. "the boys will be here any minute, love. come on." you let him guide you, going numb at the feeling. the reality that your patient had been poisoned, targeted, and you couldn't do anything about it was suddenly hitting you. john was making you stand up, but you were in a trance, just a body he could move however he wanted.

you blinked and you were standing in his office, looking at his chair. "go on. i'll make an exception just for you." you shook your head, unable to explain why not. "you need to sit, love." you shook your head again. the medical part of your brain told you the shock was hitting. john sat in his chair instead, guiding you between his legs. you looked down at him, at his hands on your waist. making a split second decision, you ungracefully collapsed sideways into his lap. john grunted but said nothing, adjusting your feet to hang off the chair. your arms circled his thick neck, hands rubbing at his beard. he took off his hat, laying it on the table, then kissed your forehead. you tucked your head into his neck, and finally, finally, let yourself cry.

kyle:

gaz was loveable and cocky, which you were okay with. you called him kyle to humble him, a playful nudge. he called you sweetheart right back, that accent of his playing with all the right vowels just to rile you up. but today, two days after the death of your comrade that you should have saved, you didn't feel sweet at all. not one bit.

"its after 11. should be in bed by now." he was at the door of your office, taking in the heaping piles of medical reports on your desk.

"kyle, im busy." you huffed, not bothering to look up. your comrade's autopsy report was staring right back at you, clinical notes on how she could have been saved if you had just had the supplies.

"sweetheart-" you almost slammed your pen on your desk. "don't call me that, kyle. i'm not in the mood." he wasn't deterred, warm eyes swimming with understanding. "this about what happened?" he mumured in a soft voice, like he was comforting a kitten instead of you, a dark hole of guilt. "i just-" you made the mistake of making eye contact, of seeing how kind he looked. the tears started rushing out and you couldn't stop them. you hadn't cried when she died, so maybe it was finally time. "i just keep looking at these notes about what i could have done, if things were different and gaz, idontknowwhattodo..."

you trailed off, embarrassed. calling him gaz was a sign of weakness, of this whole facade crumbling down. "come 'ere.” you stood up and walked between his open arms, a small laugh erupting as he overexaggerated how heavy you were. "you did more than anyone on that field could have done. and you're still sweet to me. even when you're a bit of a snotty mess." he kissed your forehead then, and you weren't even going to touch what that meant. all that mattered were gaz's strong arms, holding your waist and rubbing small circles as you put all your physical and emotional baggage on him. and for now, being held was all you needed.

--

had to let this one simmer for a bit. thanks anon <3

[luveline]

hi jade! <3 i love love love your writing! and i wanted to ask and if possible would you write zombie au steve comforting reader through a bout of depression? if not that’s totally okay!

hi my love! thank u for reading, I hope this is okay! steve zombie au. fem!reader, 1k

Steve smothers a sigh as he sits down. His knees ache from sitting with legs crossed, but he doesn't know if you're okay with him lying beside you right now. Your back stiffened as he approached, but you turn to check it's him. It's an improvement. 

"I got you," he begins, a quiet sing-song, "a present. But you have to drink some water first, and then I'll give it to you." 

You don't say what you claimed earlier —Not thirsty. Steve is more than thankful.

You sit up on the bed wrap. You'd let Steve take care of your hair so as not to become unmanageable last night, and you'd cried the whole time. The memory is one of Steve's worst. Him trying to be gentle, you trying to be silent. 

"I really don't feel well," you say hoarsely. 

"I know. I'm not trying to be mean to you, but it's because you're not getting up. I know you don't want to but if we eat something and move to the next house, you'll feel better." 

You and Steve are doing something you call a neighbourhood hop, where you spend a night in one house before moving along to the next, in search of food and nice things. If there's no food, you skip houses. For a fortnight, you'd been sleeping in unfamiliar beds and eating different foods, but something in you snapped jagged a few days ago. You couldn't get up. 

Steve was upset at first, then a little mad, but he realised quickly that this wasn't you being difficult. You're fucked. He's not sure how to fix it or what brought it on. You'd been smiling the night before. You'd held his hand. 

You sip your water bottle. 

Your eyes are glassy. Steve hesitates for a moment before reaching out to cup your cheek. He'd wiped your face clean for you this morning in a more catatonic moment, and he rubs your chapped cheek now with as much tenderness as he can manage. It's a raw expression. There's a lot of things unsaid between you, more unacted intentions, but even if you don't know how deeply Steve cares for you, you know he'd do anything for you, and he'd argue that's that's just as good. 

"Can we try that today? Can we get ready to move over?" he asks.

You swallow and look down. When you nod, it's heavy with shame. 

"Thank you, honey," he says, stroking your cheek. You relax into his palm. 

Steve's lots of things but impenetrable isn't one of them. He loses any tentativeness to wrap you in a steel-armed hug, squeezing your front against his. "I promise you'll feel better soon,” he says.

"What's my present?" you ask. 

"Oh, you heard that bit, did you?" he teases. 

Steve sits back to grab the make up bag he'd found. You laugh at it weakly, but Steve tuts, "Hey, don't judge a book by its cover."

Inside is a treasure trove of fancy skin creams and things. You're not super interested, he can tell, but you're pretending for his sake. Steve takes it back to grab what he thought you'd like most, a rose lip balm with the tiniest pink tinge. 

"For your dry lips," he says. "What do you think? That'll make you feel better."

"Can I brush my teeth first?" you ask. 

Steve smiles. "Yeah. Of course you can." 

You brush your teeth. You actually manage to get changed, new underwear and socks stolen from the dresser. It's hard finding things in sizes that fit, but you'd been lucky lately. Steve's not so fortunate. 

He doesn't mind. It's nice seeing you smile at the feeling of new cotton socks. 

Your energy is waning after that. Steve doesn't know he's going to get you up and walking today, he really doesn't. 

"Look at this one," he murmurs, unveiling a pot of 'night cream'. He's sure it's good for all hours of the day. Unscrewing the pot, Steve lifts it to his nose for a sniff. "This'll make us look like supermodels, for sure." 

"What's it smell of?" you ask. 

He puts it under your nose. 

"Like the lip balm," you say. 

"You want to put some on?”

"Maybe later." You lay back down, covering your eyes with one hand. "Sorry, Steve… sorry." 

Steve pulls at your elbow gently. "It's okay, don't hide. Here, close your eyes." 

"Steve." 

"It's okay. Close your eyes,” he repeats, softer.

You close them. Steve dips his finger into the moisturiser, way too much, and dabs it on your cheek. Your eyes flutter open. 

"I'll get it in your eye," he warns playfully. 

"That's okay." 

It's harder to touch you while you're watching. He feels like there's a magnifying glass held between you enlarging all his thoughts and feelings, all his wants. He misses you. He can't do this without you. Steve wonders if you know that.

"It's so cold,” you mumble.

"It's too much," he says, wiping the excess down your neck. You lift your chin to give him better access, your eyes slipping shut once again. "You okay?" 

"I think I'm tired." 

"You rest up if you need to. But we're gonna go to the next house tonight. Okay?" 

Your knuckles brush against his knee. "Can I have the chapstick?" 

"You gonna make me put this on you, too? You're such a princess." 

Steve finds he wants to. He's disappointed when you do it yourself, rubbing your fingertip against the balm and then to your lips. You're not in the same place as him, your thoughts somewhere he can't seem to reach, no matter how soft he is with you. 

Steve lays down. He doesn't think about it, needling his arm behind your shoulder blades and dragging you into a selfish embrace. He's not expecting your immediate reciprocation, clumsy arm thrown over his waist, forehead pressing against his sternum. You curl in. He curls over. 

"Things will get better," he promises, his breath warming the top of your head. 

"Sorry," you say. 

He closes his eyes, crossing his arms over your back even tighter than before. You have nothing to be sorry about. For now, you can rest. In a couple of hours you'll be back on the road.

[yourlocalartsonist]

ROTTMNT Moths Fly In Packs - Chapter Nine

HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT I'M ALIVE AND I AM SO SORRY! It's been way too long and I'm genuinely sorry this chapter took several fucking months to make but IT'S FINALLY DONE! It ended up way longer than I intended man, I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE SHORT. It's my longest chapter yet fun fact. I don't even regret it really, it benefited so much from the extra effort. Hopefully the next few chapters won't take this long but I will refrain from jinxing myself again so🧍‍♀️Anyway enough blabbering, hope y'all enjoy this one ;w;

CREDIT To the MFIP Team: Thank you to @yosajaeofficial, @urlocalmj, misfortun3_ismyname (on TikTok), @chaoticspeedrun, @ramblehour and @goldanrabbit for being my lovely editors! MAN did they give this chapter a lot of polish-

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Chapter One

Disclaimer: Chapter involves verbal abuse/manipulation, harassment, gaslighting, depressive thoughts, violence, blood, mentions of a wounded limb, brief mentions of nausea, displayed anxiety, and curse words. If you're sensitive to that, scroll past and stay safe!

I rushed around my room throwing shit on as fast as I could. Not fast enough apparently, since my phone’s vibrating like it’s gonna explode.

It’s late as hell right now, but Zane insisted on meeting up. Pretty randomly at, like, 11pm on a school night. I was initially planning to reject the idea or ghost with the excuse of sleeping, but it’s been a good while since I actually did hang out with him. I know insomnia’s gonna keep me up for a bit anyway, so why the hell not? We might even have fun! Just wish he’d stop flooding my notifs like I didn't already say I was actively getting ready.

I looked in the mirror, checking to see if I was presentable enough for the outside realm. My reflection’s the same as always; for better or worse. Still the same pink dress, same green skirt, same  boots. Can’t forget the gold earrings; the only emergency asset I held onto. I don’t know what I expected. I don’t have much to work with. Guess the gloves from Donnie are new, at least. But I’m still getting… bored? A change in appearance—even a small one—might be able to fill that hole for a while. Keep me distracted.

Maybe I could do something with my hair tonight? I still have Mi’s ribbon lying here somewhere.

I ignored Zane’s digital pestering and spent a few extra minutes shuffling through drawers and boxes, eventually finding her long, white ribbon—handmade from moth silk. She wore it all the time. I barely remember her hair being fully down unless she was sleeping or about to shower. Except for that one night, of course. The night she left and was never found again. She almost did take the ribbon with her. Had her hair done up in a bun and everything, even a little fancier than usual. But she took it off once she saw me behind her, barely reflected in the mirror. She crouched down, placed it in my tiny palms, and gave me her wonderfully warm smile. It’s the last thing she left me with. The last gift she could ever give me. 

After that, the ribbon’s survived years of storage and then more years of… unconventional bullshit use. I know moth silk ain’t the weakest thing on Earth but I’ve deadass used this ribbon as a make-shift pulley system to sneak stuff into my room through the window before, some of which weighed more than me! Its got the endurance of a Nokia at this point. 

I’ve barely used the ribbon for its intended purpose, though. I mean, how could I? I’m not my mom no matter how similar we look. Maybe this is a me-thing, but I always felt wearing the ribbon would be like replacing her with myself. 

Although, I’m sure Mi would’ve loved it if I wore it. 

Using the ribbon, I tied my hair into a ponytail and styled it as a loose bow, just to see how it would look. The white tails gently draped over my back down to my hips. I never quite realized how long the ribbon was before now. I don’t look as fancy or pretty as mom did, but it’s the best I’ve got. It… it doesn’t look bad, though, I think. It actually looks kinda nice! Maybe I’ll use it a bit more often. 

My phone’s repeated buzzing snapped me out from my trance. “Alright, alright, shut up already.” I groaned. Zane’s growing impatient.

You: hey sorry I jsut finished getting ready

You: heading out the door now! :3 

Fuck doors. Sneaking out became a whole lot easier ever since I did it from my window, but he doesn’t have to know that. I can already imagine him scolding me about the dangers of dropping down from high places, even with the fire escape there. He wouldn’t be wrong, per se, but at this point I’ve handled worse. Would probably send him into cardiac arrest if he knew what I’d actually been up to these few months.

I sprinted to the spot we agreed to meet up at. Zane was already there, leaning against the wall with his hands stuffed in his pockets like always. 

“Salena! Hey!” He lit up like a star when he saw me, beckoning me over.

God, for a sour person, he has such a sweet smile. He’s usually so good at being intimidating and frightening. Yet the second he brings out his smile, all that built-up fear washes away like it was never there to begin with. 

“I almost thought you wouldn’t come.”

“Well, I figured I could use some fresh air.” I tilted my head to the side, eyeing his fit. “You left your sweater at home?”

“Hm?” He followed my gaze to his pitch black tank top in place of the usual outfit. “Oh, right! Yeah, the weather’s too hot for a sweater tonight. Forgot I changed it, really.”

Now that I’m looking closer, his choker’s missing too. It probably didn’t match with the top. Seems like it got swapped with a black watch on his left wrist that complimented the look way more. Doesn’t matter what he pretends to be though, I know Zane pays very close attention to his appearance. He’s gotta maintain the rep of our grade’s “Pretty Boy” after all. When it comes to him, every little detail matters.

Wait a sec…

“What happened to your arm?”

I couldn’t see ‘till he turned towards me but his left arm had a deep bluish-purple bruise spread across it. It looked like it was from something long like a pipe or a bat. Either way, it was gnarly enough to worry me. 

“Oh that. It’s nothing too bad.” He shrugged.

“You kiddin’ me? It looks awful! What happened?” I carefully grabbed his arm and took a closer look at the mark. I wish Leo was here, but thankfully I’ve picked up a little medic knowledge from him so I can at least tell if a bone is broken or not.

“Hey, don’t get your feathers all fluffed! I got a little hurt rough-housing with the guys, that’s all. You know how they are.”

“Rough-housing? Or a secret murder attempt?” I was only being half sarcastic. It wouldn’t be out of character for them.

“Don’t worry! It’s really sweet of you to care, but they’d never dare hurt me on purpose! Now, on another note…“ He paused for a moment, taking a proper look at me. For a little bit, I couldn’t tell why he smirked. “Looks like someone wanted to look cute tonight, ey? You wore your hair up.”

“Huh?” I touched my hair, forgetting I changed it earlier. “Oh, um, yeah! I-I did! I thought I’d give it a try. Does it… um, you know, look too bad or weird or?…��

“No! No, it… it looks really pretty.” Oh god, that’s a relief to hear! I was so paranoid it wouldn’t suit— “I gotta ask, though.”

I caught him inching closer. I tried creating space, but quickly realized I was up against the wall again. Should’ve been more careful about that. His hand reached out, bringing back all sorts of cringe-inducing memories. He didn’t technically pin me like last time, but he tucked my bangs back behind my ear. Feeling his fingers come into contact with my skin almost feels just as nauseating, though. 

“How’d you know I had a thing for girls in ponytails?”

And fuck, he made it weird again.

“Z-Zane?”

“Yeah?…” WHY ISN’T HE GETTING THE HINT!? “You know, you always look so soft when you dress up. You just bloom.”

“…So! What are we doing tonight?” 

His smile slightly dropped, likely upset I ruined whatever moment he was trying to have. Honestly, didn’t matter to me, as shitty as that sounds. I just wanted to change the topic so he’d step back a bit. We go through this every time; this stupid ass, awkward aura. I wish it would stop happening. 

On the bright side, he did step back and redirect his focus to answering my question. On the not so bright side, his answer was a pathetic shrug.

“I don’t know.”

“Y-you… What do you mean you don’t know? I snuck out here in the middle of the night, you told me it’d be something special! You’ve gotta have something planned.”

“Honest, I don’t! I thought it was beautiful outside and it reminded me of you. Wanted to see where such a lovely night could take us. I think that’s special enough, don’t you?”

“W-Well, I mean—“

He chuckled “What’s wrong? You’re not backing out now, are you?” 

I may have praised his smile earlier, but right now it’s making my eye twitch. I’m a little peeved knowing he brought me out here for shits and giggles when I could’ve at least been resting in bed, replenishing some of my energy. I know I don’t have the best sleeping habits, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get tired from the constant action going on! I don’t even know how long he’s gonna keep me hostage for! But… he’s also right that it’d be kinda shitty to bail now. Besides, I’m already out here so…

I guess all that’s left to do is suck it up and try to make the best of it. 

“Well, do you wanna… go for a walk or something?”

“Sounds perfect to me! Come on, hold my hand, Dove.”

For someone who supposedly didn’t have a plan, he sure took an awful lot of charge during that walk. He suggested we go to Central Park and practically dragged me there despite my common sense screaming to never go to that hellspawn at night. Although, I can’t complain too much. The park’s definitely the best place to see the stars, and tonight had clear skies! He made sure to keep a tight grip on me in case we ran into any classic New York weirdos anyway, so I should probably be less tense. I guess I got used to the guaranteed safety of having literal ninjas around me, I forgot what it was like hanging out with a regular person. 

On top of that, Zane seemed really happy! Happier than I’ve seen him in a while, actually. He was giddily pointing out any interesting greenery we saw and rambling random facts he knew about them. 

Even later, when we went and dined inside a relatively fancy restaurant, all he could focus on was the different plants they chose as decor. He’s such a huge nature geek, but he’d never let anyone know. Zane’s the type of guy to get 100% on a biology test and shamefully shove it in his backpack to avoid being labeled as a nerd. Being a nerd myself, I think it’s pretty cool, so I never understood it. But either way, I’m glad he feels safe around me. I’m glad he doesn’t hide around me.

I forgot about this side of him, I really did. The side that is my friend.

We were walking back to my place, taking in the bliss of the quiet night. Even if a part of me prefers the busier, noisy parts of the city, it’s really soothing to experience the calmer sides of it too. Everything about tonight feels nearly perfect. I’m surprised nothing ruined it. I’m debating if I could ruin it…

I really want to talk to him. I wanna bring up those photos, get some answers, put my strange emotions to rest once and for all. I wanna hear it from him that neither of them meant to hurt me. That this was just my mind screwing me over again. I need to know. I really need to know. 

You know, friends are supposed to lend a shoulder when you need it.

I don’t want to ruin the night. But friendship takes risks sometimes. That’s what shows its strength, right?

I take a deep breath and go for the leap of faith.

“So, I was wondering—” “Salena, I wanted to ask—” 

I really gotta work on my timing for these things.

“S-Sorry! You go first.”

He shook his head with a delicate smile. “Nah, it’s okay. You can go.”

“Are you sure? I-I mean it’s kinda complicated…”

“Yeah, I’m sure! I always love hearing you talk, anyway.” 

“O-okay then, well…” My hands balled up into determined fists and I looked him right in the eyes. I have to put an end to this or I’ll never be able to move on. “I’ll be real, it might be a weird question.But you’re my friend and I really trust you a lot. I… I have to know this, so please don’t get mad.”

“Yeah…?” Why did he have to lean in closer…

I came this far, I’m not letting my tongue shut me up again. 

“What’s going on with you and Jaiden?”

Immediately his demeanor changed. His posture slouched, the disappointment clear as day on his face. “Jaiden? You’re—you’re really thinking about… about them, now?” 

“Yes, b-but I want to stop! That’s why I need to ask you this, so please bear with me, Zane.”

He leaned back with a hand on his hip, the other covering his face as he exhaled. “And here I was getting my hopes up for nothing.”

He would never think that I heard him; Zane’s a good whisperer. Unfortunately, my hearing rivals it.

He looked at me again; his eyes didn’t feel the same. “Okay, fine. What is it?”

I felt my stomach twist into itself. My chest began to ache. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was about to hurl.

It’s okay. Friends get a little upset at each other all the time. Doesn’t mean they’ll break apart. Don’t be a coward, Salena. 

I told him about everything. The canceled plans, Jaiden’s distant behavior, the increase in their pics together on his Instagram. I vented about how frustrated I felt with seeing them spend so much time together and then completely ignore me. And then vented some more about how frustrated I felt from that frustration, how I knew it was wrong yet couldn’t help it seeping into my everyday life! I let out a lot of steam tonight, even things I didn’t plan on telling him. The only things I left out, honestly, were anything related to the turtles to hide their identity. And to avoid any irrelevant questions.

He seemed strangely chipper hearing all of this, a curiously amused smirk plastered on his face. Not the reaction I expected, but I guess it’s better than him flipping out like I thought he would. 

“So, if I’m getting this right, you see me and Jaiden hanging out more often and it actually bothers you?”

“I don’t want it to but yeah, it bothers me a whole fucking lot. It’s taken over my life and I hate it! I hate being jealous! It’s so—“ 

“You’re jealous!? You’re jealous! Oh man, I can’t believe I am living in the same timeline where the Salena Moni is experiencing jealousy like every. Average. Lowlife. Person!” 

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead and rub it in, why dontcha? That helps me so much.” I pouted.

He laughed, enjoying my misery. “I know, I’m sorry. Just, damn! Somewhere, pigs are flying aren’t they?” If Meat Sweats could fly, I’d be his murderous Cupid.

“Har har. I get it though. I mean, you know me! I’ve felt envious before, but jealous? How does anyone even deal with this…?” I held myself a little tighter.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Dove. It happens! Everyone gets a little jealous. It’s a normal thing to go through, Salena.”

“Yeah, I sure did want a normal life, so I guess I got what I wished for.” I can’t help feeling salty over all this. 

He only laughed and patted my hair, fluffing up the ponytail a little. 

“Hey, Zane? For the sake of my psyche, you sure I’m not a bad person for this?”

A tender sigh rang through my ears. “I’m sure. You could never be a bad person, Salena.” 

…I never realized a husky voice like his could feel so honeyed.

But he’s right. I’m not a bad person, I’m just human. If both him and Raph said the same thing, it’s more likely to be true.

“And for the record, Jaiden and I are just friends right now. There’s nothing going on between us, so you don’t have to worry.”

“Uh… Cool? I… might be a little lost here. Why are you telling me that?”

“Reassurance, obviously.”

I blinked, not really getting it or knowing how to respond. He thought for a moment, then had a face of realization while he giggled.

“Oh my god, don’t tell me you’re actually that innocent! You’re so cute, I swear!” He booped my nose and leaned in again with a huge smile. He lowered his voice almost to a whisper. “You’re jealous because you have a crush.” 

A crush?

“But why would I have a crush on Jaiden?” 

“I’m just saying—Wait, rewind. A crush on Jaiden?” He physically paused for a bit before awkwardly laughing. “No, sweetie, you don’t get jealous of your crush, you get jealous of the people they’re with!”

“That’s why I’m asking. Why would I have a crush on Jaiden?”

…Why does the air feel colder all of a sudden? 

The night was warm just a minute ago, but now it’s dead like the core of winter. His smile is long gone. His eyes, they’re slicing me in half. Is my breathing a little faster? He’s coming closer. I’m suddenly aware of just how alone we really are here in this silent little street. 

“To be clear. Who are you jealous of.”

My throat clogged up. I blinked and lowered my eyes so he wouldn’t see the tears being fought back. I forgot this side of him, too. The side that made my heart close in on itself.

“Salena, don’t make me ask twice.”

“Of you.” I managed to let out. “J-jealous of you.”

He wouldn’t speak for a while. Only felt him staring me down like a predator stalking its prey, making me swallow to keep my throat from drying up. My hands felt so clammy, begging me to wipe them on my skirt. But I didn’t dare move. I couldn’t even look at him right now.

“Of fucking course you are.”

I knew it was coming, but I still flinched when he cursed with no shame, tugging his hair and punching the wall next to me. It’s stupid, isn’t it? I can handle giant mutants and a literal cult of evil, but Zane’s temper was not something to be messed with, and my unlucky ass did exactly that.

“Why did I ever expect anything different! Of course it’s me you’re jealous of! Why the fuck would you phrase it like that if you meant something else, god dammit!”

You’re gonna bleed if you keep doing that…

“Z-Zane, I’m sorry. I-I didn’t think it’d come off as me being jealous of Jaiden—“

“OBVIOUSLY, IT FUCKING WOULD!!!” He grabbed my shoulders, bringing me closer to him. I don’t know if it’d be an exaggeration to say I nearly got a panic attack from the action alone. 

“When you say things like how you’re jealous of how much time Jaiden and I spend together, of course I think you’re jealous of them, not me! Why would I ever assume it was me! That never happens with anyone else! God, you’re such a fucking moron sometimes, I swear!” 

“I'm sorry… P-please stop…”

“After everything we’ve fucking been through, everything I did for you! All you can ever do is somehow relate me back to Jaiden! There’s always someone else! I mean nothing to you, Salena! Don’t I!? I! Mean! Nothing!”

“I-I didn’t mean to, I promise—”

“THAT DOESN’T MATTER, IDIOT!”

He let go and pushed me back. Sometimes I overlook how much bigger Zane is compared to me. This is not one of those times. 

“You know what? You know what’s funny, Salena? That night you’re so fucking fixated on, the one that’s consumed your ability to even think like a normal person? Yeah, I’ve got some news about that night.” 

I just want to disappear…

“I asked Jaiden to go with me to that shitty party on purpose!”

…

What?

“I asked them on purpose, I posted those pictures on purpose! I did everything ‘cause I knew you’d see it! I thought maybe then, for once, you’d finally, finally feel a single ounce of longing for me! That was all I wanted!”

What.

“…You better be lying, Zane.”

“I’m not. And you deserve this.”

I glared at him the entire time while he was too focused on his own bullshit words to even notice. My arms burned with the sensation of my nails digging deeper and deeper. I hope they'll draw blood.

“You don’t understand, Salena! You keep saying all these… all these stupid fucking things that no one else says to me! Do you know what it does to me? If I had my way, I’d hold you forever and never let you go. No one’s shown me kindness like you.”  I was so numb I couldn’t even react to him caressing my cheek. Only kept glaring. 

“But then you barely ever give me the time of day! You’re barely ever with me! Fuck, honestly, you’re never with me anymore! I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s not like you to say one thing and do another! You’re not that type of two-faced asshole! So why are you fucking acting like one!? Ever since that day you went to ‘hang out’ with that stupid drugged-out bitch you called a friend, you’ve never been the fucking same! With the way you act, I wouldn’t be fucking surprised if you got addicted and stay on the high 24/7!”

He’s… Is he talking about Mikey? That’s what this is about? Is he fucking serious right now.

“Who are you!? Where is my Salena?” 

“Did you know Jaiden and I had plans that day?”

“No, I didn’t. I’m not stupid, I wasn’t gonna go that far. I wanted you to get a taste of what it felt to not be chosen, that’s it! Obviously, it was dumb to think it would work!” The dumb bitch sighed, exasperated. As if he had any right to be. “Seems you don’t have room for me in that big heart of yours after all, huh? Maybe I’m a dick for saying this, but it’s honestly karma that I happened to choose the one day you two were gonna hang out. That’s gotta be a sign, Salena.”

You never get the fucking hint, do you Zane Evans?

“I need to go.”

I couldn’t even get two steps in before he gripped my wrist to stop me.

“Wait, what do you mean go? Go where?”

“I meant exactly what I said! I’ve had enough. Now let go of me.”

I yanked my arm back and stormed off, Zane following close behind. At least, judging from the sound he was. I didn’t bother looking back. 

“Hey! Your place is in the opposite direction!”

“Stop following me, I can go wherever I want!”

“Salena, seriously!? It’s already late, you’re gonna get lost! Come on, are you really that pissed off—”

“YES!!!”

I turned my heel and faced him.

“How are you even unsure of that!? You got upset I hung out with someone else for one day—a person I made plans with in advance, might I add—and you decided to take revenge on me!? Do you have any clue how fucked up that is!?”

“I got a little mad! So what? You’ve known me for two years! Stop overreacting about a harmless dig!”

“Harmless!? You have no idea what I’ve gone through this past month because of your little ‘harmless’ stunt! I’ve suffered so much because of you! I can’t even sleep because of you! God, sometimes you’re so—Ugh!”

I began counting down from ten to one, just like Raph taught. I shouldn’t say something I’ll regret later. Honestly, I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

He looked like a sad puppy. It’s clear he wasn’t expecting this. But somehow, my sympathy won’t halt my anger tonight.

“Salena, I… Look, I didn’t know you’d be so sensitive over this—“

“Zane, I really need to leave. I’m sorry I exploded like that, but it’s gonna happen again if I stay here any longer. So please, just stop following me. Hurting you would add more shit to my plate and I really don’t need that right now, okay?” 

“N-no! Stay! I can make it up to you!”

“Another day, any day, but not now! Not now.”

I walked away and this time he didn’t follow. 

“…Fine.”

I heard his footsteps stomp in the other direction, slowly fading away.

My own legs went faster till the wind consumed me. 

The anger returned almost instantly after I knew he left. I’m happy I kept my cool during the end back there but holy fucking shit! What was he thinking!? I wanted answers tonight but I didn’t expect this! I thought I was overthinking again! I thought my brain made up the possibility that they ditched me intentionally! But no, turns out it wasn’t just Jaiden but Zane, too! What the fuck did I do to them? What did he mean I “deserved it”!? 

I don’t get it, what is he expecting me to do? I know he… feels a certain way about me. But even then! I can’t just shit romantic feelings for him out my ass! 

Ugh, so fucking stupid. I’m gonna lose my head if I keep thinking about this.

I wandered around the city some more and got back to the main road where a good handful of cars were passing again. It’s past 1am now and I’ve gotta get ready for school in less than five hours. But I know damn well I won’t sleep, not after this. I don’t wanna go home. Take me anywhere but home. I don’t feel like facing any of this right now, I…

I want somewhere I can feel safe for a while, just so the day won’t end on such a horrible note.

I pulled out my phone and opened the contacts. I wish I was one of those folks who didn’t have to think of someone before they dialed but alas, here I am. 

I can’t talk to Jaiden. 

I obviously can’t talk to Zane.

I don’t know if I can tell Casey any of this yet.

I’d love to talk to April but she’s probably asleep by now. But… but the guys might not be! They’re usually up at these sort of freakish hours of the night. I could try giving the group chat a call and hope for the best. I feel bad for bothering them so often but who else do I have right now?

It took three rings before the line went through.

“You are conversing with Donatell—Why is your screen so dark?” 

Oh fucking lovely.

“H-hey, Donnie. Sorry, I didn’t realize it was a video call.”

As my luck would have it, Donnie was the one to pick up. No offense to him; he never did anything wrong. I’m just not entirely sure how he feels about me yet. So, having him answer when I’m already high on nerves isn’t what I pictured hoping for the best would result in. But he’s much, much better than being alone right now.

“Uh, what… Whatcha up to?”

“Oh, simply being my usual genius self to aid with our nightly hero duties! Sure, no regular teenager could detect a break-in on sensitive confidential info before the actual government could, but I, Othello Von Ryan, have proven to be no regular teen!” 

“Yep, definitely the usual for you.” 

Donnie’s def no less than Leo when it comes to being allergic to humility. Though, they both earned their egos. Donnie’s not wrong; not just any person could be nearly as smart as him.

“So, did you need anything fixed? You’re calling at a rather unusual hour for a school night.” 

“Oh, no, not really. I mean, I was kinda out with a friend, but things… ended abruptly. I don’t really feel like sleeping right now. I wanted some company?” 

He opened his mouth to respond but got interrupted by a familiar accent asking who was on the phone. The instant my name left his voice, three others repeated it with joy. My screen suddenly overflowed with four green goofballs all trying to fit in the camera’s scope at once.

“SALENA! How are you? How come you’re not asleep? Don’t you have school tomorrow?”

“Mikey, it’s Salena, it’s way too early for them to sleep.”

“Wow, Leo, anyone ever tell you how funny you are?” My words didn’t match my tone. I wonder why.

“Leo, let ‘er breathe!” The camera shook as a red bandana came into frame. “Hey, but for real. Why you up so late, Salena? Somethin’ up?”

“Nah, just couldn’t sleep! I thought I’d call you guys for a bit, but from the sounds of it, y’all seem kinda busy.” 

The camera moved again as the device got transferred to the next turtle. “Give me my—Ugh, there we go. And yes, you’re correct. We are actually busy with a mission tonight.” 

I tried keeping my smile intact as I understandingly nodded my head. Is he mad at me for assuming they were free the exact moment I needed them to be? I mean, I’d be mad at me, so it’d make sense.

“Hey, but you know what?” Leo leaned next to Donnie, trying to see the screen. “You should totally join us! Tag along, have some fun, we’d all love that!”

You would?

“What? Nardo, what are you—“

“OMIGOSH, YEAH!” Mikey jumped in, knocking Donnie out of frame entirely. “If you’re not gonna sleep, we should totally hang out! I really miss you, Salena!” 

“Uh, am I really the only one thinking it would be a bad idea to let the person who barely leaves their house join us on a mission to a highly-secured and regulated government facility?”

“Chillax, Don, she’ll be fine! You’ll be fine, right Salena?”

“I mean, uh—” 

“See? What’d I tell ya, totally fine!” 

“Raph agrees! Salena can handle herself.” 

“Oh sure, I’m absolutely positive nothing could go wrong! He said without a trace of doubt.”

…I can’t tell if he’s trying to protect me or just doesn’t want me there. Neither option feels good right now, to be honest.

“C’mon, Dee, we’ve all seen her fight before! Including you, remember? When they helped us stop Meat Sweats?”

 Mikey’s got a point. That was before I had any real battle experience, too! I don’t know why Donnie seems so hesitant about this. Or why it’s making me so pissy, actually.

Another car passed by and I lowered the volume a bit, remembering the time. Now that I’m actually near some apartments, I don’t wanna accidentally wake someone up. I really gotta save up for some new earbuds; my last ones broke like, a month ago and I can only make do for so long.

“Three to one, hermano. You’re outnumbered.”

“But—Sigh, forget it! Salena, I—“

“‘NOUGH SMALL TALK!” At this point, they’re just playing hot potato with Donnie’s phone. “Salena, hurry up! We’re boutta start the mission so don’t want ya missin’ out!”

“Ha! Almost made a pun!”

“Shut up, Leo. Anyways, we’re at uh… Uh… Hey, Donnie, where we at?” 

I could hear him struggling for his phone in the distance. “You could just send our coordinates!”

“I could send her our coordinates! …How does Raph do that, again?”

The audio muffled as the phone shuffled back to its rightful owner. “God, I’m so gonna install security on this thing. Anyway, I’m sending our location to you right now. And as I was GOING TO SAY BEFORE! Salena, I look forward to seeing you again.”

He flashed a smile and part of my worries vanished. I’m still not sure how to read him but if he’s being nice, it can’t be all bad, right?

“OH, AND IF YA CAN, COULD YOU BRING ME A SNACK—“ Donnie hung up before the teddy bear could finish.

Luckily for him, his face beamed when I finally arrived around twenty minutes later and did, in fact, bring him a snack. 

“Hey guys! Hope I didn’t take—“

I couldn’t even finish speaking before finding myself laughing on the floor with four giant turtles hounding me in hugs. 

“It has been way too long since we’ve hugged!” Poor Mikey, I haven’t been able to see him in a hot minute. “Nice ponytail, by the way. Really makes your eyes pop.”

“Aww, thanks! I missed you guys too. Ugh, I really wish scheduling was easier! I’d hang out more often.” 

“Dude, why waste time on schedules when you could just come over?”

“‘Xactly! Ain’t like you’re not welcome!”

“Oh. I-I mean, sure! If you guys really don’t have a problem with it…” I wonder if this is what it’s like to feel wanted.

“I just wanted you to get a taste of what it felt to not be chosen!”

…T-then again, they’re probably just being polite.

Click!

“And fits perfectly, just as the estimations foretold!” The fuck? 

I looked down and saw a shiny black belt matching the arm wraps now resting above my hips. It’s actually fairly loose around my waist but I’m guessing that was the intention. There’s a giant pink button on the left with the same M-shaped logo as all of theirs. It looked super cool, honestly! Even seemed to match with my outfit!

“Woaaah, what is this thing?”

“Donnie. Really?” Leo didn’t sound impressed and neither did the others but, like, who cares! The belt’s dope as hell!

He ignored them and continued addressing me. “It basically functions both as your very own panic button and is a carrier for your sickles thanks to a highly specific magnetic attraction! Plus, it obviously helps tie in your outfit better ‘cause Great Galileo did you need some accessories.”

“Damn, I didn’t know my sickles were magnetic!”

“Oh, they weren’t before, I installed magnets in them last night.” With that, he pulled my fucking weapons seemingly out of his ass. Judging by everyone else’s groans though, I’m the only one who’s surprised and confused.

“Donald! What did we say about breaking into strangers’ homes!” 

“Hey, I didn’t break in!… to a stranger’s home! I broke into Salena’s, Salena is not a stranger—OW, HEY!” Raph slapped the back of his head. One quick yet dramatic recovery later, we all began our route of sneaking into the building. 

Security wasn’t monitoring the higher floors, so we only had to ninja our way up ‘till there and the rest was easy peasy. I tried focusing on the quick briefing I was receiving on the way up but my mind was admittedly elsewhere. Back to the weird situation I thought I dreamt up last night.

I don’t remember much. I was too tired to really register anything, and Donnie being a ninja probably enhanced that. But I do remember still hearing faint footsteps in my room; drawers being opened, the closet getting browsed. I was so out of it I figured I probably hallucinated everything. Either way, I was way too paralyzed to do anything; I couldn’t even put my phone back earlier. Kept passing in and out of consciousness. But it seemed like someone put it back for me. They helped my sloppy body into a position that wouldn’t leave me aching the next morning and pulled the covers up to tuck me in. What really sealed the whole dream theory to me was the metallic-textured “hand” that patted my head before they left and let the world return to tranquility.

I seriously did figure it was all a weird fever dream or some shit. Personally, I still feel like that’s more believable than it being Donnie all along. But staring down at my sickles, I guess I can’t really argue against the proof right in front of me. 

“Gentlemen, here we are! The Techno Cosmic Research Institute! Otherwise known as”—the door opened as I returned back to present time—“The TCRI.”

The moon illuminated the flat, revealing that we were in a main lobby of some sorts. Huge and spacious, decorated with different plants I’m sure Zane would’ve gone crazy over. 

…I shouldn’t think about him right now.

It was a huge and spacious lobby full of plants. The windows that were tinted from the outside now presented a full view of the city skyline. Doors were carved into the walls, transitioning to the other rooms. Some, like the several meeting rooms, were made with glass so I could vaguely make out the interior from here. Others were blocked by heavy, solid, metal doors, holding whatever secrets the government had behind them.

I felt strange setting foot in this place, like I wasn’t supposed to be here. Well, I guess we are breaking and entering, but it’s not that. It’s something else, something I can’t quite explain. Unrelated to the guys but personal to me. I feel I’m not wanted for a reason I’m not yet aware of. It’s freaking me out a little. 

“So, what do the Purple Dragons want with this place again?”

“Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. I only caught a break-in to the system in general and tracked it back to Kendra, I don’t have info on what they’re trying to gain access to. Whatever it is, though, it has an impressively tight security system that’s nearly impossible to break! At least, not through their simple B-tier remote hacking.”

“If the Purple Dragons want it, then it’s gotta be something major.” I’ve known about them for a while thanks to April. 

It kinda shocked me at first, not because a group of teens created a tech-smart gang but because April O’Neil was a loser to someone. Call me a little biased—and you’d be right—but I still think Kendra’s got rocks for brains if she ignores someone like April. 

But that’s a mental essay for another day. Right now, Leo’s smirking. And if Leo’s smirking, things will either go amazingly well or horrifically wrong. 

“So… If we’re already here, why don’t we just figure out what they want ourselves?”

Mikey propped his chin up on Leo’s shoulder. “You mean like, go and explore? Sounds rad to me!”

“Yeah! Sneak around, let Donnie do his nerdy smart people stuff and see what’s so great about this place, yeah?” 

“Invade the privacy of our nation’s government and scavenge for confidential data!? Nardo, I love you!”

“Raph? Your call, buddy.”

He was shockingly quick to shrug. “Sure! Raph don’t see a problem with it. Sounds hella fun to me!”

“Uh, guys?” I raised my hand. “Isn’t this, like, highly illegal?” 

“And?” They all said in unison. To be fair, legal doesn’t sound like them anyway. 

“What are they gonna do? Arrest us?” His hand circled in front of his blue bandana.

“And don’t worry, you won’t get in trouble for anything that happens! Donnie can get rid of the evidence and no one will know you were here, right Dee?” Mikey shot a wink at Donnie.

“Affirmative!” 

Dang, Mikey’s made a lot of good points tonight. 

“Eh, you’re right. To hell with laws!” Passing up an opportunity to explore a space institution would be laughably unlike me, anyway! 

We decided to split up and meet back at the main lobby in fifteen, assuming the Purple Dragons hadn't arrived by then. It’s kind of scary wandering on my own in this place. It still feels off to me, but at the same time, I’ve always wanted so desperately to walk through a facility like this. Fascinating space research, meeting after meeting to discuss whatever new breakthrough was made, access to a shit ton of databases and technologies I’ll never have the chance to use at home!? Everything about this place is perfect! It’s all I dreamed it to be. 

So why won’t that damn feeling go away?

Whatever, it’s probably just tonight in general. I really, really, need to get over it and move on already or else I’m guaranteed to fuck up the whole mission.

I sighed and glanced down at my arm wraps, raising them to get a better look. Despite my flip-floppy mood, I couldn’t help but smile. It’s dorky but they do comfort me every now and then. They felt nice to wear and even looking at them made me all fuzzy and nostalgic. They feel like an older me even though I got them recently. 

“I take it you liked them, then.” 

His voice startled me, I thought everyone went their own ways but I guess Donnie was nearby. 

“Yeah, I do! The belt, too, they’re really cool gifts! Thank you.” He lit up when he heard those magic words. Man, I can’t believe I forgot to thank him sooner. Poor guy was probably aching for some feedback.

“I-I actually always wondered how you made them. They feel really sturdy but like, it’s not heavy to wear, either, if that makes sense.”

“Oh yeah, totally!” He typed on the screen on his arm, booting up the scanning feature to make sure we didn’t miss anything. “It’s an intentional design choice. They are supposed to act as armor, so.”

“Woah, cool! Do they count as tactical gear? As in military grade and all that jazz?”

“What? No, that’s not even good quality, that’s just a buzzword. Military grade simply means they met the minimum stated requirements at the lowest unit price.”

“…”

“…Low budget, few money, lead to mid product, good enough for gullible minds and general public consumption.” 

Ohhhh. “So they lied.”

“As per usual. It’s shit engineering in actuality.”

I pushed open one of the meeting rooms’ glass doors as Donnie’s shell held up a bright torch. We began scouting the area for anything interesting while continuing our talk. All this investigative work’s reminding me of April and the way she’d gush about doing the same. Completely understanding the appeal now; it feels so thrilling snooping around somewhere you’re not supposed to be! Especially when the law’s involved.

The room wasn’t anything unordinary. It looked like any other corporate meeting room. The long table leading to the small TV on the wall, decorative paintings and plants, the usual. Man, we probably should’ve gone into a more interesting—“OW!”

“…Watch your step.” He said after I already fell to my knees.

“Thanks for the very useful warning. What even was that?”

He shined the light closer to a… metal? No, definitely not entirely metal. A robot arm sloppily plopped on the floor. We couldn’t see what the arm was attached to, if it was attached to anything at all. It’s too long to trace back with the torch light from where we are. One thing’s for sure, though: It’s giant. The claw I tripped over is practically the same size as my head. 

“Hmm…” He crouched closer to the arm, slowly inspecting it. “Weird. It looks like it’s made of some cheap plastic. Perhaps a prototype of some sorts.”

“I don’t think they’d make it this big if it was a prototype.” Maybe we could do a test to see what type of plastic it is. “You got any fire?”

“While I see your angle and would love to carry through that experiment, it’s probably not wise to burn something we don’t know the purpose of. Or, you know, alert the security of our presence from the alarms.”

“Yeah, fair…” Man, would’ve been hella fun, though. 

We both stayed on the floor, a little stumped on what the hell this thing was. My eyes got bored after a while and wandered around the room again. The only interesting thing in here was this weird ass plastic arm, it’s pretty much useless looking around the room but it did keep me entertained. There were five plants in this room which explains the fresh smell, all of them were basic enough for me to recognize. Two zebra plants, a ponytail palm, and…

I ignored the plant on the table when I spotted something thin underneath it, hidden by the shadows. I think it’s a slip of paper?

Donnie’s sigh brought my attention back. “You know what, I’m gonna go to their computer lab to see if one of their databases has anything about this thing.”

“Aight, I’ll stay back and keep exploring. Good luck!”

Right as he left, I sped over to the mysterious paper, unable to contain my curiosity any longer. The table was tall enough for me to comfortably sit under, leaning over the paper on the floor to read it. It’s, coincidentally enough, about that puzzling arm. The incomplete text made it clear it was probably part of a stack of paper or a file and fell out. Sadly, it didn’t reveal much but what I could get out of it was that it’s an automated arm controlled by an AI system, mostly covered with polypropylene plastic. Heh, PP plastic. Oh, it was created for the purpose of security. Well that’s just fantastic. I should go warn the boys about it.

I quickly snapped a pic of the loose sheet, almost getting out from under the table.

…But I’m glad as hell I didn’t.

I heard it. A soft, mechanical hum as something slithered off the ground. I grabbed my sickles from their belt, trying to minimize my shaking. It took a few blinks and tries but I managed to turn invisible, watching the machine move through the darkness. How was it suddenly on?

Its movements were smooth and natural. Too natural for something meant to be robotic. It’s so eerily graceful, slithering through the air. The arm swiveled its claw around like an animal head checking its surroundings. It… It’s looking where I am. It’s looking at me. It shouldn’t be able to see me, I’m not supposed to be visible! But it won’t stop staring.

”FUCK!” I shrieked when it lunged at me, quickly slicing it before it could grab me. Thank god it’s just plastic… Why the fuck is it hollow? 

That doesn’t make any sense! Shouldn’t there be wiring or something? Even if not to connect the AI, how the hell can it move like that without anything to mimic muscle!? 

I gasped, turning my head to the side. I can hear something else. It’s gooey and mushy and… 

It’s looping around the room.

It���s getting louder.

”W-what the hell?”

…I think I can see it now. Something solid but stretchy, resembling thick vines climbing up the plastic arm. I backed up, watching as it crawled over to the newly severed claw. It pulled the claw back to its other half and tightened around them. It glowed? A sickeningly blinding green color. Before I realized what was going on, the claw suddenly reattached as the vines slinked back into the darkness. 

It saw me again and the chase resumed. 

It’s so damn fast, I can barely outrun it! Dodging is saving my ass but it keeps knocking over any furniture I used against it! 

I jumped when I heard Donnie from the comms. Wait, he installed comms on my arm wraps? Damn, I'm so frazzled, I forgot about those.

“What’s making all that racket? Everything okay over there?”

”You can hear that!?”

”Yeah, I’m literally right next door?”

”Well—SHIT!” Too fucking close, too fucking close! It almost fucking grabbed me! Fuck, my knees hurt from that! “SON OF A—Don’t worry, I can handle it! I’ll explain soon!”

I tried getting off the floor as quickly as possible but the claw pulled me back down. The four sharp grippers opened up like a mouth and a fucking chainsaw came out. It went straight for my head, life flashing before my eyes as my sickles blocked it by pure reflex, holding it back. It won’t back off! I can’t keep pushing forever! How the hell do I get out of this!?

“FIBONACCI!” 

A spinning titanium blur whacked the arm back, grabbing its attention to the maniacally smiling turtle now dashing through the room. His arm reached out, grabbing his staff from mid-air, and chopped off the robot arm with a giant drill. I curled in on myself right before a bright, violet shield spread over me and kept the arm’s falling metal parts from landing on me.

“You know, that did not seem like ‘handling it’.” 

My vision cleared to his hand offering to help me up. I’m suddenly getting deja vu from the other countless times my helpless damsel-wannabe ass needed a rescue. Panicked and guilt-ridden, I waved it off and got up on my own. 

“We gotta get outta here right now!”

“What? Why? I already—”

The vines returned and began repeating their process of fixing the arm. Though this time, it seems to be going faster.

“Oh my banana pancakes! What is that!?”

“I don’t know but that’s why we’re leaving! Come on!”

I grabbed his hand and we ran out the room, running into the others in the main lobby.

”Leo! There’s—”

“Crazy killer robot arms, we know. Was just in the middle of talking about that, actually.” He gave a glance of disapproval to the pouting red giant next to Mikey. Who also looks hella annoyed. It would appear we’ve walked in on a teensy squabble. 

I heard Donnie sigh beside me “Raph, please tell me you didn’t.” He left my clueless ass standing there to join in on their talk.

Wait—Oh god, not again!

Turning around, I grabbed my sickles. I heard it again. Managed to dodge just in time for its jab to my right. It seems the guys are too busy to notice and I really don’t wanna burden them again. I’ll solo this one!

“When I said we should go explore, I didn’t mean go ‘round pushing things! We’re in a government building, why would you touch anything!?”

I heard another hit coming and blocked it with the blade. 

Yeah, I-I can totally take this! I should let them finish their conversation—Holy fuck, there’s more than one, fucking end my suffering already. 

”I didn’t mean to! You guys know I got a weak spot, what was I supposed to do? If they didn’t want Raph to push the big, red button, maybe they shouldn’t make it big ‘n red!” 

“Buddy, that’s not how that works and you know that.”

There’s three of them now and they’re so unreasonably fast! It’s so hard to keep up! Ugh, it almost feels like I am being punished after all. 

My accidental yelp luckily got drowned by Mikey’s groan. “Man, just let it go! We can smell your ‘I know I fucked up but don’t wanna admit it ‘cause I’m the big brother’ stench!”

”THAT’S A DIFFERENT STENCH!”

”AHH!” 

I really didn’t mean to blurt that out but the claw dug into my leg and yanked me off the ground! Guilt aside, it’s probably a good thing I caught their attention, especially since I dropped my sickles like a fucking moron!

“SALENA!” His sword slashed through the air but got promptly blocked and thrown back by another metal claw. A scary amount of them are showing up now! The guys are completely surrounded and I’m stuck useless, dangling in the air!

One of the arms came closer and opened its grippers, a scanner popping out this time, its red beam blinding my eyes. My breathing grew shallow, the commotion from below fading away. I’m getting lightheaded from being suspended upside down. I need to get out of this situation. But there’s nothing I can do. Just squint past the light and anxiously wait for its next move. 

My ears burned from the claw’s monstrous shriek. It sounds like a fucking animalistic version of nails on a chalkboard! Why did it react to me like this? Why me? Aren’t we all intruders? Why is it just me!?

“You deserve this.”

Was he right?

I didn’t process getting swung in the air until I was let go with enough momentum to cause a crash through the decor. My arms shook as I tried lifting my body up. Everything hurts, everything fucking hurts! My ears, my arms, my legs! My head! I just wanted a little distraction tonight! Why is this happening?

Is this really my karma?

…Wait a sec.

When I managed to lift my head, I came face to face with a crack in the wall where the robot arms were emerging from. The vines I saw earlier turned out to be permanently merged with the arms at the roots and lead to… something behind the wall. The crack was too small to properly make much out but it looked like it was breathing?

Whatever, I don’t have time to be surprised. “Guys! The arms! They’re coming from over here!” 

The crack’s small but just big enough for something slim! Like—

The claw dug into my leg once again and began dragging me away. “Leo! Donnie! One of your weapons can fit through!” 

“Got it!”

“I’ll cover!”

Flashes of blue scattered around the lobby. Each portal and throw of his sword brought Leo closer and closer to the wall. I couldn’t watch for too long, though, as I found myself back in the air again. It froze my skin getting thrown across the room faster than before. This time, towards the glass windows. 

Chains grabbed at my ankle and yanked me back to the ground away from my disastrous fate. I looked up to see the tangerine flashing a confident yet relieved smile at me. “Hey!”

“…Hey!” 

Mystic metal clinked as Mikey pulled back some of the robot arms chasing after Leo to buy him more time. Raph and Donnie quickly shifted gears and guarded me to make sure the plastic freaks couldn’t grab me again. Mikey continued to aid Leo, bouncing all over the room, keeping the arms distracted with his flow and somehow, still bringing them back to where he originally stood: Away from Leo. 

Finally, a sword was heard stabbing through the air and splashing through a soft, squishy substance. The arms dropped to the floor as the thing in the wall hissed in pain, slowly leading to the dreadfully awaited silence at last.

Mikey reached his hand out for me and pulled me up. “You good?”

“Not dead, yeah.” 

“Guess that’s a start.”

I glanced to the side at Donnie staring blankly at me, confused until he walked over and held one of my arms to examine my wrap. 

“Hmm, I wonder if there’s some modification I can do to your gloves that prevents your sickles from getting so easily lost.” I guess that’s why he was staring a minute ago. 

“Honestly, that’d be great. I keep losing them, so…”

“Yeah, I was thinking—“ 

“Nerd-talk later! Do a med scan!” Leo shoved him out the way and accidentally knocked Mikey back. Didn’t seem like he noticed since he immediately started checking me for injuries. I don’t even know when he got here?

Donnie sighed but went through with it anyway, tapping on his wrist as he checked my vitals. “No broken bones, no internal bleeding, nothing too concerning to report thankfully. Salena, do you feel alright?” 

“Mhm! Just some scratches here and there but I’ll live.” 

“Just some scratches, hm? You forgettin’ something?” Leo pointed down to my horrifically bruised and bloody leg. Whoops.

“…I-I’ll still live.”

While Leo took care of bandaging my leg, the rest of us spent the next few minutes catching our breaths. Mikey laid on the floor, limbs starfished out, while Donnie was texting April and catching her up to speed. I can only imagine how devastated she’d be in the morning, finding out she missed all this action. It’d have been nice having her here, honestly. 

Raph wasn’t near us, though. He stood by the wall where the once-breathing specimen was at. He kept peeking through the crack, rubbing his arm and looking hesitant about something.

“Raph?” My voice prompted the others to turn their attention to him.

“…Nobody else wonderin’ what the hell this thing could be? I know we’re only here to stop the Purple Dinos—“

“That’s Purple Dragons, Raphala.”

“—Whatever! But really, guys! After all that, we just gonna head home and forget about it?” 

He’s not wrong.

Come to think of it, this place is government funded. There should be no reason why some foreign entity exists in a place like the TCRI. They’re supposed to do space research and nothing else. That’s what they’re paid for.

“You know what?” Donnie turned his phone off. “I could work on hacking through their system myself. I don’t know if it’ll prove successful, but I can try.”

I felt Mikey’s head drop on my shoulder. He sure loves doing that. “What do we do about the vine thingies?” 

“Well, we can’t just—“ Leo paused, making eye contact with Raph. They shared a smirk and nodded.

“You thinkin’ what thinkin’ big bro?”

He chuckled, punching his fists together. “You bet!”

A bright red aura surrounded his figure as his arm reeled back and locked the sais in his hands.

“POWER PUNCH JUTSU!!!”

My body staggered as the ground shook upon impact, the dust clearing to reveal the tiny gap in the wall is suddenly a giant ass hole now.

“Man, y’all really don’t give a shit about government property, do ya?” 

“Nope. But hey! It was def the right choice!” Raph’s snaggletooth gleamed through his mischievous smile.

The five of us stared through the hole, trying to comprehend the oversized specimen in front of us. It was a pulsing, yellow-green thing in the shape of a tall tube, wider on the top than the bottom. There were reddish lines on it zigzagging up and down almost like veins. It was punctured at its middle, caused by the blade of the katana that shot right through it a few moments ago. 

“Ya know, it kind of resembles a plant. Which would explain the mystery vines, actually.”

“What plant, then? Ain’t no plant Raph knows of that throbs.”

He shook his head with a light shrug. “Sadly, I am not sure. It looks a little like a pitcher plant but also not really? They shouldn’t be luminescent or have vines emerging out like that. And also the throbbing, of course.” 

Pitcher plant, ay? I’ve heard of that. They’re my favorite out of all the carnivorous jungle plants Zane rambled about once. Plants were actually one of the first things we had a genuine bond over, even if I’m pretty clueless about them. The way his eyes lit up when talking about them with so much love and adoration just melted me.

His eyes…

His godforsaken eyes…

“Salena?”

“Huh?” How long have I been spaced out?

“You sure you’re good? You seemed kinda out of it just now.” I forgot how close Mikey was to me, I should be more careful.

“Yeah, it’s nothing.”

“Really? ‘Cause lowkey, you’ve been off all night. I didn’t wanna say anything but…”

“Oh, no, no, I’m—“

“Actually, you did mention something happened between you and your friend earlier, remember? Before you called me.” This violet ass motherfucker did not just erm actually me at the worst time ever.

“That what this about, big man? Had another fight with your friend?” Why is everyone suddenly focused on me!?

“N-Not the same one! This is someone different, I promise! T-that’s not to say I have a problem with everyone! I just… Um…” Great going, Salena! Now they’ll think you’re just insufferable and incapable of friendship! “I-I don’t think we should be—Well, we kinda have worse issues to worry about, don’t we?”

“Kendra and her yes-men ain’t here yet. What I wanna know is why you’re so spacey tonight! Dr. Feelings can’t help if he can’t know!”

“It’s nothing! N-nothing too bad, at least. He just—A-actually, it was really mostly me so um… It’s hard to explain exactly…”

Geez, my palms are annoyingly sweaty. I really don’t wanna give them the wrong idea, it was just one fight! It’s not a representation of our entire relationship! But I know from experience any time I try talking about Zane to someone, they end up hating him and I don’t want that! Fuck, I should’ve been more careful. My stupid tongue-tied gibberish ain’t helping the situation, either!

My shoulders flinched when I saw Leo stand in front of me, hand on his hip as he faced towards his brothers. “Okay, hermanos, give her some space! Stop smothering! I know we’re all worried, I’m worried too, but if Salena doesn’t wanna talk, they shouldn’t be forced to.”

The others finally piped down. None of them looked happy about it—understandably so—but it seemed Leo was able to convince them to drop it, anyway. I really owe him one. 

He peeked over his shoulder to glance back at me. “If you do wanna talk about something, though, we’re here for you.” 

…It’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t see how it’d help anything— 

CRASH!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HAVE WE NOT HAD ENOUGH SURPRISES FOR ONE NIGHT!?

“Good going, Jase. Real quiet of you.”

All of us, equally tense and gripping our weapons to stand guard, took a solid minute to process that the loud crash wasn’t another dumbass robot-plant-arm thing, but instead was Kendra and the other two stumbling through the main door they hacked open. Speak of the dragons and they arrive, I suppose.

She looked over at us and her sharp eyes drooped lower. “Of course.” 

I only ever knew Kendra before tonight, none of the other members. Hate her guts since she’s forever engraved as April’s bully in my mind and doesn’t seem to have changed. Her movements and mannerisms still match the coy, conniving person I remember her to be, walking over in such a smug, superior way that screams “greater than thou”. Once, back when they were still in high school, April had a mini breakdown due to college applications kicking her ass. She was struggling and stressing over not getting accepted into a good amount of her options and believed she’d have to rely solely on her safeties at that point. Kendra really rubbed it in. Wouldn’t shut up about it, demeaning her for being a failure. 

April knows damn well to never take Kendra seriously. However, it’s not a surprise those words still stung considering how stupidly frightening the whole college process is. Joke’s on Kendra, though. One of April’s main choices that had her wait-listed ended up accepting her in! As for Kendra? All hypocritical bark, no bite it seems. 

“Hello, Von Ryan. How’s life?”

“Good, good. How about you, enjoying your—what’d you call it? ‘Intellectual freedom’?” 

“Low blow even for you. You guys couldn’t fuck around here with your little toys another night?” She scoffed and rolled her eyes, her arms crossed over her chest. Her gaze drifted towards me as her brows furrowed more. 

“Who’s that—Hold up. You… Yeah, I remember you!” She’s doing that annoying fake-nice tone she uses sometimes, the one that makes me wanna punch her in the face. “You’re that idiot kid April wouldn’t shut up about tutoring last year! What’s a teacher’s pet like you doing here?”

Mikey gasped and covered my ears like a parent to a toddler witnessing sailor-speak. “Hey! Don’t you dare talk about our friend like that!” 

I honestly couldn’t care less what Kendra says about me. Personally, I’m more focused on the other two, right now. It’s my first time ever seeing them, I think Donnie said their names were Jason and Jeremy? They’ve been pretty quiet so far, standing at her side and smirking like Saturday-morning cartoon lackeys. One of them had a large, blocky figure, dark skin, and dyed green hair. His gold visor looked pretty cool, I’ll admit. The other—I could guess from his hunched demeanor alone—was definitely their token punching bag. He’s got these awkward gloves that are way too big for his hands. Dark eyes, short, black hair, and round… glasses…

NO FUCKING WAY!

“YOU—HIM! OH MY GOD! NOOOO, NO-NO-NO-NO! NO! NO!” Ain’t no motherfucking way this bitch is who I think he is, this has to be a prank! It has to! For the sake of my sanity! Oh, but it isn't! It’s fucking real!

“...Salena? You doin’ okay?” The others looked concerned at my sudden and dramatic outlash. Fucking of course, Donnie and Mikey wouldn’t know! Jason still had the bag over his head when he was around them! Fuck, why didn’t I just take it off right there!?

“Jason! That asshole was who we saved from Meatsweats a few months ago!”

Raph and Leo looked just as lost as before. Mikey and Donnie, on the other hand, went pale with shock.

“That was you!?” Donnie’s staff pointed directly at the fucker. “Why didn’t you say anything!? I know you recognized my voice!” 

“I can’t believe Salena and I interrupted a perfectly nice day to save you of all folks! You ruined our lovely little ice cream date, dawg!”

“I was being kidnapped by a pig monster? Why would I reveal I’m a rival when you were the only help I had?”

“And yet, here you are, the very reason we’re stuck in this creepy facility, preventing you three from illegally accessing information and doing who knows what with it even though you now owe us one, YOU UNGRATEFUL MENACE!”

Before I could fix my brain enough to join in on justifiably shaming the idiot, I noticed Leo and Raph exchanging confused glances at each other.

“...What the hell is going on?”

“Raph don’t know.” They both looked at me for answers because the universe hates me.

I tearfully and shamefully explained the bullshit scenario we are now stuck in due to my impulsivity. “Donnie, Mikey, and I saved a guy from Meatsweats I think back in April? H-he had a bag over his head so they didn’t know what he looked like and I-I was the only one who saw him without it b-but I didn’t know he was part of the fucking Purple Dragons and—Fuck my life! My first ever save and it was a villain!?” The one time I actually did something useful…

God, there’s so much noise everywhere! Everyone’s arguing with each other or trying to get it to stop or whatever else is going on! My head hurts. Why did I even come here? I should’ve just went home. I should’ve stayed with Zane. I keep getting in the way, I keep making mistakes, I keep ruining things!

I have to keep my composure, though. I don’t wanna cry in a situation like this, not when I’ve already done enough harm.

“Wait a sec, where’s Jeremy?” 

We all paused, the realization clearing up as we heard a cheer from another room. “Yes! I got in! I got past the system!”

“Holy shit, he’s in the computer lab! Quick, we—” 

A bat hit Donnie straight on his stomach and knocked him back, Raph catching him so he wouldn’t fall to the floor. 

Kendra clicked her tongue as she laughed. “I gotta hand it to ya, you morons somehow turned off these stupid security systems. Definitely the most annoying part I’d have had to figure out; I guess that’s why I wanted ‘em, anyway. I don’t know how you did it but congrats! You’re not completely useless.” It looked more like she was addressing Donnie over any of us.

“But now?” She and Jason blocked the door. Her bat stood by her side. “Stay out of my fucking way.”

Obviously, that’s not happening, so chaos erupted instead. One would think a Two VS. Five would be pretty easy to handle… until they saw how well Kendra used her bat, that is. She’s faster than I expected, able to zip around before anyone could properly react. Definitely has a strong arm, too. Then, of course, there’s the traitor. Jason pushed his glasses up his nose bridge and took out his own set of weapons. Or should I say, whipped them out. ‘Cause they’re actually fucking whips. 

They were almost impossible to get by. Glowing in the dark room, buzzing from the static friction they made against each other. 

He targeted them towards Leo who barely managed to dodge just in time. Mikey, not being as lucky, got smacked right in the face.

“OW! Hey! Since when did he even have those!?” 

“Oh! Since last week, actually. I made them using—”

Either the bitch has good hearing or I was too loud when my sickle swung at his head. “Are ya dense!? How are you still tryna maintain small-talk after literally betraying us!? You know what I looked like, you wouldn’t have even said anything if I didn’t call you out! You lied to me! I saved you and you lied!”

“AH! The hell, man!? You’re gonna kill me for that!?”

“No!” The sickles weren’t sharp, only a little solid. I know I gotta resist. Unfortunately. “Just knock you out for a bit, you scheming piece of shit!” 

I wish I could say I was making up for my several blunders tonight by at least being able to handle the living embodiment of a toothpick. My leg’s not super mangled up but, surprise-surprise, it’s hard to move at my fastest and dodge with it still being injured. He’s a little impressively good with those whips, too. It’s hard keeping track of where they both are at all times, the difficulty only increased by how quick he’s able to use them considering he’s only trained for a week. I’m trying my damn best with what I can.

“Oh my god, give it up with the guilt-tripping! I’m not gonna turn on my sister just ‘cause you saved me once!”

“Hell no! I risked turning into mutant-munchies for you—Hol’ up a sec.” The pure blasphemy that came out of his mouth shocked me so bad, I actually had to pause. “Kendra’s your sister? Ew, what’s that like?”

Yet another mistake on my part. One of the whips wrapped around my sickle to fling it and I—determined to not lose them again—got shot through the air along with it. 

At this rate, I’ll be free-bird flying and crashing to the floor every five minutes. I don’t even feel like getting up anymore. Fuck, I don’t usually feel pain so easily.

Hm?

The battle ground’s a little chaotic so it’s hard to follow when in the middle of it. But, now that I’m seeing it from a distance, everyone’s intentions are suddenly ten times clearer. Kendra’s hovering towards a specific direction, dancing around the door to where Jeremy is. Jason’s distracting everyone and keeping them from paying attention to her. I have a feeling that’s very much so on purpose.

She’s starting to go in. I guess it doesn’t matter whether or not I want to, I gotta get up now. I closed my eyes and with whatever strength I had, used my sickles to turn invisible and go after her. 

I snuck by Kendra and entered the lab. Jeremy was glued to the computer, staring at a loading screen. On the side of the PC was a USB stuck to the port. Of course, accidentally saving the villain wasn’t enough! They had to use the same shitty USB we went back for, too.

“Jeremy, status report!”

“It’s almost done downloading the files! Just a few more seconds and… We got it!”

“Nice work! Quick! Toss ‘em over!”

Oh boy, if Kendra’s able to gain the instructions for those freaky arms, who knows what she’ll make with it! I can’t let them get access to anything here!

 Thus, following my usual rule of acting-without-thinking, I threw a sickle at the USB. I don’t know if it was my panic or my rage that caused it to be so sharp but it cut the USB in half mid-air and smashed straight into one of the PCs. My punishment for resorting to such destructively impulsive solutions was being greeted by the lovely melody of security sirens going off for breaking their important tech.

“No! My USB! There was so much stuff in that! Fuck!” She is so seriously distraught over the wrong thing. 

Upon retrieving my sickle, I hadn’t realized I was flickering in and out of visibility till Kendra’s bat nearly made contact with my head. “You little skeeze! Do you have any idea how much of my progress you destroyed!” 

“But that’s mine and Jason’s progress—“

“SHUT UP!” She snapped her head back to bark at him and I took my moment of escape, knocking her down out of my way. Still, she kept up by yanking at my leg and pulling me down with her, severely getting on my nerves by now.

So, I kicked her in the face.

She stayed there, groaning in pain, while her sidekick buddy checked on her. Sure, I could’ve kicked a little softer but I think a bloody nose is merciful enough for her. 

I returned to the lobby, greeted by chaos more hectic than before. The alarms and sirens were still blaring, red lights flashing on and off the entire facility. Our oh so beloved security arm friends returned in even greater numbers now! If I believed in superstition, I’d believe this night was cursed.

Jason’s looking a little overwhelmed now having to solo both the Teenage Mutant Mad Dogz and the newly emerged robot claws, yet he’s still not giving in and letting the guys go in peace. Speaking of them, they’re scattered all over the place, trying to keep themselves and each other from getting yoinked and flung like I was earlier. 

Donnie was the only one who managed to maneuver over to me.

“Salena!?” 

“Donnie! What’s going on!? Where’d the stupid arms come from!?”

“Well, I suppose it’d be impractical if they only had one source of their weird mystic high-tech robots, so there’s that.” He spun his tech-bō and whacked away the claw that was following him. “What happened in there? You disappeared and then we heard a loud crash from that room and suddenly everything got dialed up to eleven!”

“Uh, yeah, my fault, I uh—Eek!” Thank god for reflexes, the only thing that let me slice at a robot arm before it sliced me. “Good news is, I destroyed the USB they were using so Kendra can’t access the government’s whatever-the-fuck anymore! Bad news, I also accidentally destroyed one of their computers in the process, set off the security alarms, and now we’re here. Sorry, haha…” 

“You what!?”

“It was an accident, I swear! I really didn’t mean—”

“You annoying little twinkle-toes!” Kendra charged at us from behind and her bat swung directly at me. Thankfully, Donnie blocked it from knocking me dead and sent Kendra back a few steps. 

“You know what? If you got Kendra this mad, then you’re forgiven for everything on my terms! Let’s go!” He grabbed my wrist and dragged us away from the bat-wielding maniac.

Though, I’m not sure whether a metal bat or metal claws are worse. A bunch of them charged towards me now that I got back within their sight. 

“Move!” He shoved me out of the way of the monster claws.

I slid on the ground, actually keeping my balance this time, and swung at another claw coming from my right. Without having a moment to breathe, I ducked and slashed at one right above me. I would’ve missed the one coming from behind me, had Raph not been there and created a mystic shield. There’s so many all around the flat and it seems I’m still their favorite toy. 

“Salena, try hidin’ somewhere!” He punched one of the claws straight on, the impact causing a loud clunk. “They keep coming after you!” 

“I can’t! They saw me even when I turned invisible, they probably have a different type of vision or something!” 

“Infrared vision, genius!” Kendra’s bat got caught by my sickle. She aimed for my torso this time, I’m surprised it wasn’t back at my head. “They were built with thermal sensors! Which I would’ve been able to shut off if somebody didn’t break the computers!”

“God, were you built to get on people’s nerves!?” 

I’ve just about had it with her bullshit, reflected in my blades turning sharp enough to slice her bat in half. I elbowed her in the stomach and took the chance to roll over to a new spot. The closest I can get to hiding is continuously moving, staying in one place meant getting hoarded.

Mikey grumbled nearby, his nunchucks spinning in his hands. “Man, they’re too much! We gotta go! Leo?”

“A bit busy!” Busy was right, he’s cutting down a good number of the plastic pains with his katanas. There’s no good opportunity to use them as an escape portal, let alone any safe ones.

Beep! Beep!

Donnie raised his gauntlet up and flashed what I assume to be the building’s security cameras he hacked into. “Oh, no, no, no, guys! They’re sending actual human officers up now! What do we do!?”

Everyone’s panicked, shit’s fucked to the brim, and the constant beeps and shrieks are only making it harder to think! Kendra’s yelling about her bat, Mikey’s chosen to deal with the Purple Disasters while they’re bickering away, Raph’s boxing the claws and shielding Donnie, who’s frantically typing at his wristwatch to hack the security, and Leo’s… Screaming and getting flung. Sweet, we’ve matched now.

I ran over to Leo, guarding him from the arms trying to take advantage of the situation. “So, how’d you like your first flight?”

“I’d prefer it more if I was actually expecting it.” He got up almost as fast as he crashed down, not wasting a single second to getting back in the fight. “Ugh, I gotta get us out of here, but I need an opening!”

“Want me to try clearing something out?”

“You got any plans on how���Shit, get back!” His arm pushed me back behind him to avoid getting hit. 

The white tails of my ribbon flew forward, slightly blocking my vision. I looked straight ahead, past the death machines and battle-ground chaos, and saw the glass windows showcasing the brightly-lit city night.

The ribbon…

…Bingo.

“I actually might.” I tugged at the silk tails and felt my hair flow down as it got undone. “Just trust me and get everyone out at the first opportunity you get!”

“Wait, what are you—”

I dashed past him before he could ask any questions, no real time for them now. My multitasking skills were given the ultimate test as I focused on darting across the room, intentionally getting the arms to gather and chase after me, while tying the ribbon to the handles of my sickles and connecting them together. 

In the corner of my eye, I saw Mikey had managed to take out Kendra and her sidekicks. Don’t even gotta worry about them now, it’s going better than I thought! There was pounding at the door. Seems Donnie locked the officers out for now, but I doubt it’ll be long till they find a way to break in by force. Gotta move fast. This plan could fail horrifically, but it’s the best shot we’ve got!

With all the security arms focused on me now, the boys had a clear opening to leave. I sprinted to the windows, wound back my sickles, and broke the glass with a single throw. 

Now or never!

“HOT SOUP!!!” 

And out the window I went.

The air felt amazing, rushing by my skin as I let gravity take over the fall. I turned myself over, now looking up at the sky. The arms were shooting out the windows, unable to reach down any further to get me. A flash of blue from the inside indicated everyone was out safely. That’s my cue to prevent myself from dying now!

I held onto one of my sickles and swung the other one up. My spine tingled as a pink aura washed over my hand and over the sickle that I grabbed, trailing its way up the white silk ribbon…

Transforming it to chains!?

The pure white mystic chain clanked as it stretched out. The sickle I threw up now broke through the glass side of the building and continued shattering through it straight down. A few broken shards chipped at me as I snapped back to reality and remembered the original plan. I closed my eyes and refocused on the sickles. No thoughts, no distractions, no room for any of them. I have to breathe. I have to focus. 

The blades morphed them into a stiff rubber. Too soft to break the glass, too strong to break itself in half, effectively yanking me to a stop. 

I did it.

I actually fucking did it!

“Holy truffle mac and cheese, that was awesome!”

“I know!” I excitedly greeted Donnie who had flown over using his jet pack. “I can’t believe it went so well! You saw it all?”

“And recorded!” He turned his back towards me and pointed at his shell. “Need a ride?” 

“Definitely.” 

We cruised across the sky onto the roof of a nearby building where the rest of the guys were. The instant I hopped off Donnie’s shell, Leo jumped me with a hug, followed by several frantic checks to make sure all limbs were intact.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Are you dizzy? What’s wrong with you? You’re crazy! You’re crazy, you know that!?”

“Now who’s smothering them?” Mikey snickered at Leo, who looked relieved and on the verge of tears at the same time. 

“Everyone shut up and look at this video first! You’ll probably forget whatever meaningless chitchat you were having, anyway!” Donnie hissed from glee, using his extra mechanical limbs to huddle us all around his phone that was playing the video of me from a few moments ago. 

Looking at the footage now, it seemed the pink aura actually came from my whole body. It spread throughout my arms and circled past my hands, flowing to the white ribbon and replacing them with shimmering, white chains. 

Mikey screamed from excitement, holding onto my hands. “MYSTIC CHAINS! Omigosh, we match now! We’re like twins!” 

“I know! Isn’t it great!? We can be chain buddies—Eh, nevermind, that doesn’t sound right.” 

We sat around for a while so Leo could help with all the cuts and microscopic bits of glass stuck to me. In the meantime, they were all curious how the chains even came to be, which I sadly didn’t have a clear answer for. I went ahead and reassured them my plan would’ve still worked with the ribbon itself, though. Speaking of, I can’t really get my ribbon back now. Sorry, Mi. However, I did figure out how to make the chains vanish and re-materialize, so at least I don’t have to learn a different fighting style! 

Donnie was paying attention, I think. Just multitasking with a few holographic monitors up. He sighed and put ‘em away after a while.

“Yeah, no, sorry guys. Maybe my brain’s too fuzzy but I can’t hack into the actual database tonight.”

“No big deal, Don. Ya done enough.” Raph gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. “Hey, you guys wanna go grab some pizza? Raph could use a break.”

“Yeah, I think we all could.” Hopeful, green eyes faced towards me. “Salena? It’s late but… You wanna join us for a bit?”

It’s around 3am now. If I went home now, I’d only get three hours of sleep and that’s assuming I’ll conk out immediately. It’s not impossible, though, I can feel the energy crash creeping up from all the adrenaline. But, I don’t know. I don’t wanna go yet. 

“I’m already out, aren’t I? Might as well!” 

Turns out, for once tonight, I made the right choice. It was fun getting to be with them in a more casual manner. Just chilling at a park, enjoying some pizza, and re-energizing myself as I watched them goof around. I checked through my phone while I enjoyed the delicious cheesy glory.

Everything seemed normal.

Except for one tiny issue.

I was putting it off but Zane sent a voice note to me a few hours ago. I don’t have earbuds but everyone’s pretty distracted right now, anyway. I could listen to it. Maybe it’s… Maybe it’s better than I think it is. 

I lowered the volume just to have it barely audible and clicked play.

“Hey. Um… I hope you’re home and safe now. I…” He sighed and went silent for a while. 

“This wasn’t how I intended tonight to be. It was such a gorgeous night. The weather was perfect. Everything was perfect. It was all going so well. What happened? Why do we always end up like this?”

I wish I knew. Or that he knew. Maybe we could’ve helped each other if just one of us knew what was the problem.

“Everything in my life always goes so wrong. I’m so tired of it, Salena. You’re the only thing I haven’t messed up. I don’t want to mess this up. I just—” I could hear a creek from the door opening as someone came in the room. “Yeah, it’s on the floor, clean it up. I don’t know how, just go clean it!”

Sounds of glass being swept up filled the background atmosphere. Zane sighed again. “Sorry. One of my vases broke tonight. The cherry on top, right? Anyway, uh… I’ll just end it here. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re dreaming of something nice. And I’m… I’m sorry.”

The voice note ended. It wasn’t that bad, I guess. I feel a little bad about earlier but I’m glad he apologized. I guess things are fine now. I should probably leave a text, it’d be wrong to hold a grudge if the situation’s already resolved. 

You: hey i’m safe yea. I just wanna say i’m sorry too for lashing out like that earlier. I hope you’re sleeping well, sweet dreams and see ya tomorrow <3

There we go. Nothing to worry about now. Nothing to stress over.

A hand tapped at my shoulder. I raised my head to meet Mikey smiling down at me. “Mind if I sit? They’re bein’ a little loco even for my taste right now.”

I looked straight and saw Leo and Donnie arguing over whether pineapple belongs on pizza and Raph taking the opportunity to sneakily eat their slices. Pretty tame behavior from them, but Mikey’s tone was too lighthearted to be serious, anyway. 

I shifted over on the bench and patted the empty space next to me. He sat down and brought his knees to his chest, his back leaning against my side. He shuffled with his phone for a bit before offering me one of his earbuds. “Wanna listen to Fall Out Boy with me?”

“Sure!” 

I could use some music after tonight.

Next Chapter

This chapter was nearly 15K words btw-

[pandorasfavorite]

Hiii!!! This request is a bit dark, but I think it has some potential:) A fluffy hurt/comfort fic with dom where he and the reader are in an argument wane he raises his hand to grab something or fix his hair and the reader flinches from past trauma?? And he’s all like “I would never hurt you” and it’s just super fluffy???? Thanks!!!

That isn't me

AN: This healed me tbh. I love this request with my soul.

Dominik has been spending more time at work, it's not his fault that he is being written in more. It's actually a good thing for Dominik...something you should be happy about. He wouldn't understand, he has friends at work; people he spends time with and has fun with when he's not home. Work is still work for him but it's different when he's not alone. For you, you don't have much of an opportunity, you have 2 work friends and you get home around 5pm doing whatever you can to occupy your mind.

In your shared home it only looks like one person lives there; and of course that person is you. This was the 3rd night in a row Dominik's dinner sits in the microwave covered in tin foil. You sit on the couch with the T.V off, a quiet house is so depressing and empty. Your phone dings and its a message from Dominik and you can already guess what it says, something along the lines of 'coming home late'. The message alone makes your emotions flare up, you sharply inhale closing your eyes tightly and holding your head in your hands. Your body shakes and reacts to the tears like venom, the tears of loneliness and missing makes you tremble.

After a hour of sitting on the couch loathing in self pity you go to the bathroom and wash your face of the dried tears. You tell yourself over and over that you have to talk to him about it, make Dominik see eye to eye with you. By the time Dominik gets home you start to doze off...but not today. You can't go another day of going to sleep without seeing him and waking up with him already out the door. You miss your boyfriend more than life. When Dominik gets home you say you need to talk to him, you both sit on the couch looking at each other.

"I wanted to see if maybe you could ask for a few days off every once in a while somehow, with training and press", you say calmly, not letting yourself get worked up over what has been bothering you. Dominik doesn't take this as lightly as you were hoping, "You told me to go for my dreams? We need the money", he mentions a twinge of anger behind his words. To him, it felt like you were saying what he is doing wasn't enough. Dominik is patient but that struck a nerve, he only wants to do whats best for the future. You look at him slightly surprised and conflicted, "I was just asking, you aren't home much Dominik" you say with the same tone.

The argument is sneaking up on you both quicker than you expected. "Are you trying to say I'm not doing enough right now?", Dominik questions his voice raising in tone just a little more. You scoff just now noticing how what was going to be a calm conversation turn into an argument. With that scoff you stand up from the couch walking away wanting to distract yourself with anything else.

As you walk away Dominik stands up, "Why are you walking away? Were talking?". You shake your head from side to side; wanting to postpone this argument. "Just drop it Dom", Dominik steps closer to you looking at your crest-fallen face, "We can talk about this" he insists in the same tone as before. He wants to talk it out so bad he doesn't realize how he sounds.

You feel overstimulated with the loudness that your own trickles out when you reply, "You're never here Dominik!!", you raise your voice uncharacteristically loud, and sometimes it feels like arguments go on forever. Dominik fires back just the same, "You told me to do this!" he says much like you. Dominik's arm moves and he reaches to comb a hand through his hair. It was all so quick but you know your eyes widened largely and you gasped with a flinch.

Your eyes managed to seal shut and the house goes back to that empty silence. You open your eyes and stare at Dominik's heart-shattered look. Tears are building in his eyes and he doesn't move. He's shocked and heartbroken... he'd never want you to think he'd hurt you.

You curse yourself under your breath, it was a trauma response and now Dominik is blaming himself for this. You exhale through shudders, rubbing your face trying to think of something to do. Dominik speaks to you much softer now, "Baby, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry", he turns away from you when the tears become blinding. He doesn't want you to see him like this, as he turns around he whispers a curse to himself as well for not being discreet with his emotions. Dominik is taking this harder than you, he doesn't know how to comfort you without touching you and reassuring you everything is okay. After your reaction, he's not sure he can even do that anymore.

You wipe your face and plant your palm onto Dominik's shoulder, you rub your hand soothingly and coax him to calm down a little. Once he manages to collect himself, you hold his face in your hands. Dominik lays his forehead onto yours and he whispers what he wants to tell you over and over again, "I would never hurt you". You whisper back to him, "I know". Dominik shakes his head and disagrees, "I need you to know in your heart that I would never hurt you. Im sorry", you nod and reassure him of the truth, "I do believe that with my heart".

Dominik wipes your tears, and hugs you the tightest he ever has, "Shit I should be comforting you right now". You shake your head as well disagreeing, "No this was all I needed". Dominik holds you and sways rhythmically, his head now sitting on top of yours. "Then that is our priority".

[heatwa-ves]

please explain your izuleo playlist with as much detail as you want im interestedddd

MIKIIII THANK YOU. okay here's my playlist and im gonna do a song by song breakdown... I'll try and keep it decently brief so this doesn't become one million words but we'll see. my playlist is vaguely chronological so it starts pre-checkmate!

astroboy- suggi

okay so this one is just straight up a leo song. you just have to listen to it it's literally about him "I raised my hands up real high, they called me stupid when I asked why we couldn't fly. am I too far ahead of my friends, or I am late?" hellooooo hello. hi. leo tsukinaga everyone!!!! right down to the moon/space theming

"oh, the rain, you're losing your flame, where'd the burn, the passion go? you run through the pain, you're losing your aim, and you feel like you alone missed the grow" LITERALLY about his breakdown post checkmate. uagh.

cheerleader- ashnikko

an izumi song!!! I don't have to explain anything here you get the vibes

brand new city- mitski

having to preface this by saying I do not listen to mitski this is the only song of hers I listen to and only because it makes me think of izumi so much I feel like throwing up.

"If I gave up on being pretty I wouldn't know how to be alive, I should move to a brand new city and teach myself how to die." yeah. izumi sena.

yoru ni kakeru- yoasobi

well I'm sure you know this song and the story behind it "the seduction of thanatos" I think it works very well about the izuleo dynamic around this time when they're very codependent and leo is so severely depressed and suicidal. they're fucked up 👍

it's all so incredibly loud- glass animals

so this one makes me think of izumi going to see leo in a similar vein to lionheart but probably before that and he sees leo so broken and neither of them can bring themselves to say anything. "I tried, for you and I, for too hard, for too long" makes me think of the ending scene of lionheart and so on

softcore- the neighborhood

"you've been my muse for a long time, you get me through every dark night. I'm always gone, out on the go, I'm on the run and you're home alone"

"every time I kiss you, baby, I can hear the sound of breaking down"

you get it. you see the vision. more depression era stuff.

less of you- keshi

depression era leo... there's so many lines in this song that correlate to them but a fav is "too much time in the limelight, gimme your all on the land line, want it so bad but I won't lie and it just gets worse in the night time."

are you happy? - shy martin

"and I know I thought that pain's part of love, but I think I broke you, though I didn't mean to. but are you happy, looking back at us when you met me? would you go back and tell yourself to leave it, knowing what we know?" UARFGHBHBB izumi.... who killed cock robin ass song.

from now on we are enemies - fall out boy

I've talked about this one EXTENSIVELY before but it really is just a song about leo tsukinaga. what else can I say.

always- keshi

well yk.

bad thoughts- half alive

i love when they hate eachother. they don't actually truly hate eachother but man sometimes it feels like it. everything hurts. "like a time you gave your all but just got hurt, like a crack in the mirror bringing out your worst"

to everyone who wants to die- takayan

read the translation oh my goddddd. leo. leo

sing to me- missio

this is a song I DREAM of making an animatic to its just so deeply fundamentally leo

never ending song- conan gray

okay this one is a bit more specific but I like to think of leo while he's out of school seeing izumi in a magazine or an ad or something.. and that brings with it a whole ton of complicated feelings

"but we've grown too close, now it can't amount to nothing. I can hear your voice in the music on the radio, and it goes on and on and on, like a never-ending song" you get ittttt

bodybag- chloe moriondo

more of the vibes more of the complicated feelings . this one is mostly here bc I love it and was thinking about izlo while listening icl. unrelated but chloe moriondo is cool as hell they have some awesome music videos especially the one for this song

love or the lack thereof - isaac dunbar

the epitome of pre/early ! izlo love. to meeee also I just love love loveeee it as a song

last minute - kitty

"you're the loop of rope I hung up in my stupid closet" "you're all poised and im made of poison" do you get it do you GET it. it's leo about izumi frfrfrrr

"could you wrap your hands all the way around my neck, and tell me where I stand, tell me everything I'm wrecking when I spin. take over my breath, in out in, I am missing you to death"

android girl- deco*27

I love this song and while I love the original im partial to rachies english cover especially the lines

"we restart and fall apart together, what we have will drag on in this way forever"

"make it stop, make it stop there's so much guilt and regret, I don't get how I can forget and start to hope again, we haven't even come to the end, so much for promising together forever, we aren't even friends"

the girl in my memories- jeebanoff

"in place of your fleeing love, only my sad solitude remains, even though that time won't come again, the memories that are gone, are forever" more depression yaaay

achilles come down- gang of youths

SORRY it's just such a compelling look at depression and being suicidal... so many of these songs are about Leo's depression but I swear this part of the playlist is over soon and moves further in the timeline. I really love this song it's just... everything about it... leo is achilles here of course and the voices talking him down and telling him to go through with it are his family/izumi and his own mind/the students from school respectively.

calender girl- stars

"all of the things that I thought were so easy just got harder and harder each day. december is darkest, in june there's the light, but this empty bedroom won't make anything right, while out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home, who waits up for me all through the night- calendar girl who's in love with the world, stay alive"

HEALING!!!!! GROWING AS A PERSON!!!!!! OVERCOMING DEPRESSION!!!! DO YOU GET IT

"I dreamed I was dying, as I so often do, and when I awoke I was sure it was true. I ran to the window, threw my head to the sky, and said "whoever is up there, please don't let me die," but I can't live forever, I can't always be, one day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea"

crush of judgement- knights killers

i don't need to explain this one

move me- half alive

THE izuleo song THE reason I made this playlist. won't you be my song when I cant dance WON'T YOU BE MY SONG WHEN I CANT DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!! LIGHT MY FIRE BURN THE TREES!!!!!!!!! also watch the music video it's gorgeous

the third heart- harumaki gohan

first of all go play genei ap rn it's a short mobile game created by this artist featuring lots of their songs about a reserved girl who loves music and her more extroverted friend who asks her for song recs. it's a very izuleo vibes game and just a beautiful game in general I think you'll love it sm mikiii

second of all.... just. this song. play the game and watch the music video for the full impact frfr 🫶 anyway back to izuleo

back around- half alive

depression never truly leaves but you get better!! it gets better!!! there are bad days but there are so so many good days!!! this whole album is kinda izlo vibes

you get me so high- the neighborhood

"you're my best friend I'll love you forever" 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 makes me think of them... kind of talking about their past .... not very well because they have no emotional maturity but still.

silent oath- knights

for obvious reasons

reunion- harumaki gohan

I imagine this is after the end of ! era .. they've both grown and matured immensely as people.. it'd probably have more impact if I read requiem but um..... I'll get to it... (I've been saying this for a year and a half) to me it's a goodbye to their teenage years and the ups and downs and them moving forward into adulthood and a more stable relationship

don't be so hard on your own beauty- yeule

they help eachother heal 🥹. this one is a bitttt more reliant on some of my takes on izumi that I don't really wanna get into rn but yk. it's here. it's vibey. things were bad and now they are better. there's sunlight streaming though their apartment window. they don't have anywhere else to be this morning. yk.

work of art- downer Inc, kellin quinn

ueeeghhvhb they love eachother.... izumi brings leo inspiration.... these descriptions are getting less and less coherent

I swear ill never leave again - keshi

ueeeeueueueuehhhehhehhehuuueueue

infinitely ordinary- the wrecks

I like the romance of mundanity.. I think they could be happy.. it's very hopeful and a good ending to the playlist

[milqueandsugar]

I don’t know if you do hc’s but if you do could you do hc’s about ghostbur x touch starved! reader? or just anything to do with ghostbur? I love that funky ghost lol

🏵Your Tea Is Ready🏵

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: None

| Ghostbur / Touch starved! Reader |

It was late, the moon nearly tipping towards its apex, heavy and full. Most of your nights were spent with you're ghostly companion. A little depressing, perhaps, but quality time goes beyond the grave sometimes. You lay in a flower filled field, watching fireflies flicker and stars peak out from passing clouds carried by a warm summer breeze.

Ghostbur raises his arm suddenly, his grayish skin difficult to see in the dark but you just manage manage follow his index finger, pointed somewhere distant.

"That's my favorite constellation, do you see it there? Right behind that tree." His voice is cool and crisp like the crunch of autumn leaves. He always reminded you of fall, in both life and death. "It's called Lyra, like, Lyre the instrument." You nod, you see his lips twitch into a smile, a small one, but a smile.

You squint, you infact, do not see any pattern or shape in the sky by the said tree. "No, not seeing it."

"Really?" He asks, stunned, his arm falling to his chest and he turns fully towards you.

"Not everyone can recognize stars, y'know." You snort playfully, you turn to look at him, and scrunch your nose as the grass tickles your face.

Ghostbur rolls his eyes and smiles, sitting up suddenly, you follow suit. He points once more, a little higher this time.

"Right there, the star that looks kind of blueish?"

"Blue? Everything looks blue to you."

He huffs, once again you try to follow his point. You never noticed hoe all stars look practically the same until you really had to look for a specific one. You'd make a horrible sailor you realize with a bitter thought.

"I don't think the pointing is helping entirely."

"I'd make a sign if I had the materials."

You blow some air out of your nose hard, and suddenly a cool hand wraps around your own, extending your index finger and positioning your arm ever so. Despite his chill his fingers make you feel feverish, your face warm and must definitely turning red. Gods bless the night time darkness.

"You see, there."

Maybe if you were looking at the sky his assistance would help, but you're eyes were locked onto his hand, so carefully wrapped around your wrist. He swiftly slightly, his hand coming up a bit further up your fore arm. You shiver at the sensation, and he pulls away quick.

"Oh, sorry, my hands must be cold." Ghostbur rubs his hands together, as if that could create friction heat with his ghostly apparition. Maybe not everything human was lost in death. Maybe.

"No, no, I'm just.. I don't know, I guess no one really held my hand before."

If the news of you being poor at constellation sighting was shocking, this revelation looked like it might put him in the grave, a second time.

"Really? Never?"

You shrug. "Okay, maybe not never, I'm not exactly counting, Bur."

"Huh."

You furrow your brow. "What, it's not that weird is it?"

Ghostbur shakes his head, his dark cursor bouncing with the movement. "I don't think I've held many hands either." He admits. "I.. I remember the good things, happy things, you. But. I don't remember alot of hand holding." He looks lost in thought if only for a moment.

"I guess this is a good time to start for both of us then." You reach forward and interlock your fingers with his.

He smiles, awkwardly, a boyish charm to his lopsided grin. "Yeah. No one I'd rather hold hands with then you."

"Even if I can't pick out constellations?"

He snorts, beaming now. "Even if you can't pick out constellations."

[frogadir]

Genuine question what is it about cos that you love so much, ive been following you for years and i got into 03 lately and i'm interested to hear your perspective

Hello this is the funniest ask I've gotten in a long time so thank you I'm being 100% serious. I got several paragraphs into answering this and then I realized maybe bullet points would be fine because no one wants to read all of that

I am jewish (Very Important Context)

Due to my jewish upbringing and personal experience with spirituality I was primed to see it wherever I looked

I watched/read all three versions fma when I was 13 and became obsessed with edgelord elric due to my #emo #depressed middle schooler sensibilities

But also because he was very jewish to me. the sparknotes on this are: atheism despite having met god. tree of life on his gate of truth. also google jacob wrestling with the angel. That literally happened to edward elric. Also manga hohenheim is arguably jewish that's a different post though.

Edward elric continues to occupy my mind for the next three years

I get more depressed and jewish and also become interested in art from and about ww.i and its aftermath

Now I am age 16 and cos gets recommended to me on youtube. like someone just uploaded the entire movie

That was the one bit of fma I never got around to so I was like okay let's check it out

I watch a movie that feels like it was created in a lab to cause as much psychological damage to me as possible

I hate it but I'm 16 and obsessed with how depressed and gay edward elric looked in it and I think to myself I have to look like him and this influences the way I dress and wear my hair from that moment on

Wait edward elric (jewish) was fighting nazis (real) ???

I watch it again

Edward elric (jewish) went to weimar germany (real) in 1923 and stopped the na.zis (real) from invading the parallel world he's from on the night of a (real) (historical) failed na.zi uprising. He stays in our (real) world and it is implied he continues to not only fight na.zis (real) but advocate against the use of nuclear weapons (real)

So absurd I can't stop thinking about it

Seven years later here we are

If you asked me if I thought it was a good movie I wouldn't even be able to give you a straight answer like from a technical standpoint yes the animation is great the music is great… however there is more to a movie than just pictures and sounds… the pictures and sounds come together to tell a story… and the story here is. Well their hearts were in the right place. I think. I think it's got a generally anti-na.zi message but on a first watch it was definitely strange to see that element mixed with a fictional world in the way that it was. I hate that they tried to make us feel bad for alfons he knew what he was doing idgaf that he just wanted to build rockets 🥺 Having the roma character secretly work with the na.zis was. hmm idk about that. but holy shit am I glad they used the word roma. Making bradley's real-world doppleganger not only be jewish but a Real Life jewish man was also a choice! One thing I actually find interesting that a lot of people hate is that they made doppleganger hughes a na.zi... like in 03 they do say that those who benefit from violence and refuse to oppose it are complicit in it... dude was Just Following Orders as a soldier in a genocidal military like him being a real life na.zi makes more sense than a lot of things in cos 😭

Is there anything else I should add. The theme of dreams vs reality and what that has to do with ed's emotional journey is interesting. Winry looked awesome too. Love how al becomes ed and ed becomes their mother. Hohenheim envy chew toy was funny. I like when ed crashes the car. I like the scene where it's implied he drank himself to sleep. Lost heaven is a great song.

So like... I wouldn't say that I "love" cos... but there are many things about it that are so fascinating to me I can't look away... it's certainly provided me with a lot of entertainment... and cos ed is peak... I hope this answers your question 😭

[beomiracles]

hi sereneee. so, i've been thinking abt this lately, i was wondering if you could make a fic about our dearest maknaeee, kai x reader, inspired by the song 'the man who can't be moved' by the script? i've been obsessing with the song lately and i live for angst, that's all, thank youuuu💌

the sad tree

A/N stop this was such a genius idea! I listened to the song a few times and tried my best, I really enjoy reading angst but this is my first time writing it myself so my apologies if it's not quite as good >_<

pairing: hueningkai x gen!reader warnings: angsty, huening is depressed, tinyyyyy bit of fluff (cs I'm a fluffy person), very slight mentions of an ED very slight

his hands dig deeper into his pockets, burying his nose in the bright blue scarf he so preciously tied around his neck, your lingering sent on it now only a faint memory. the december breeze chills him to the bone and yet he cannot find it in him to leave just yet. leaning back against the large tree trunk he looks up, the naked branches swaying lightly in the wind. he closes his eyes and thinks back to when those exact branches had been covered in soft green leaves the color much like your eyes. he remembers how they would light up in excitement as you pointed to yet another cloud in the sky. "this one looks exactly like a duck" you would exclaim as the two of you lay side by side on the grass. "I don't see anything" huening replied with a frown, you giggled and took his hand in yours, guiding it to point at the cloud. tears threaten the corner of his eyes but huening doesn't know if it's because of the cold wind or the empty feeling in his heart. it's been long since the last rays of sunshine when he finally pushes himself off the tree and begins to make his way home. the first streaks of sun reaches the naked branches at the top of the tree and he's there again. he had long ago given up on a good nights rest, his dreams filled with painful memories. the snow crunches under his feet as he approaches the sad tree, sometimes he thinks he can hear it sigh. it's a defeated sigh almost pitiful. perhaps the tree pities him, pities him for coming there everyday, for coating its branches with his tears, for having hope. he knows it's silly to think that way but the tree is all he has left of you. the tree had always been there. he sees you sitting peacefully, back leaning against the trunk with a book in your hand. the sun makes you glow in a way he'd never seen before. he finds himself staring at you from afar, eyes lingering longer than they maybe should. a loud bark snaps him out of his trance, pulling on the leash he hushes his dog. looking back up at you to find you already looking at him, a smile on your lips, he shyly looks down and keeps walking. unconsciously he changes his route, every afternoon he walks past the same tree hoping to catch a glimpse of you. when he does he feels his heart skip a beat, his afternoon walk became the most wonderful thing in the world. but this afternoon is different, this is the afternoon where he will finally muster up the courage to do more than just stare. his feet lead him to you on their own and despite having practiced the conversation at least 200 times in his head already he can't get a single word out when he's in front of you. you look up, giving him that same smile you had on that first day. you introduce yourself and he feels his knees going weak, he stutters his name out as well as his dog's. you giggle and ask if you can pet her. that's how it happened, right by the sad tree. your first date, a picnic under it's leaves, your first kiss and your first fight. the sad tree was your first everything, huening never imagined it would also be your last. tears are now rolling down his cheeks, quickly turning icy cold in the chilly air. he spends the rest of his day there, sniffling pathetically against the tree as if looking for some sort of comfort from it. he leaves late and returns early the next day, he barely eats or sleeps, his body is slowly dying though he doesn't care, huening's heart died a long time ago. the snow melts, the tree starts blooming again, wildlife that had been quiet during the cold winter slowly makes it's way out again. the sun shines longer, warmer but huening doesn't feel warm. soon everything is in full bloom, just like it had been on that day so long ago. everything is the same, except it's not. as the leaves turn in to pretty shades of oranges and reds he's still there. and as the first snow coats the branches he's still waiting, hoping. waiting for you to come back to him, hoping you will remember the sad tree.

→ want to get notified whenever a new dream is published? join my TAGLIST ★ all rights reserved ─ @beomiracles 2024

[lesbianasfuckwomen]

Its the windmill's birthday!

Sanemi like to think of himself as a calm stable individual

He likes to think of himself as a level headed person, a person who wouldn't dare lift a single finger on a person.

So as any calm, sane, stable, and level headed person would do, he was keeping himself from wrapping his hands around the water pillar and choking the everliving life out of those blue eyes.

"Fuckin hell, is there anybody else here? I would take the fucking seaweed head then to be in the same room as mister 'I'm not like the rest of you'"

Now, any sane person would know not to reply to Sanemi since he looked as if he was about to commit murder at any moment but Tomioka Giyuu was everything but sane.

"Hello Shinazugawa, do you know what the date is?"

To be honest, Sanemi couldn't have given a single flying fuck about the date. To him everyday was the same. Clean up from the night before, help Shinobu out in the mansion, Complain to Iguro about some slayers, check on Genya, get assigned a mission, kill demon. and repeat.

He was on the way to check on Genya the stone mansion when an emergency hashira meeting was called thus landing him here, in the same room alone with mismatched haori.

It's safe to assume that Sanemi was pissed.

"Why the fuck would I know the date? And where the fuck are all the others? Himejima-san wouldn't dare being late to a hashira meeting"

"..."

"Well don't just be a stand alone silent bitch, say something!"

"You really don't know the date?"

Huh?

Okay what was so important about the date that Tomioka fucking Giyuu, the guy that didn't give a shit about time, to be so persistant for him to know the date?

Well, Sanemi knew around 4 days ago it was the 25th. So if he were to add 4 days to 25 he would get

"The 29th of November. There, happy now?"

"...Thats it?"

If Sanemi was pissed before (which he was) he was a boiling over volcano now.

"Yes thats it. What else do you want me to say edge lord? A couple days after that one American holiday?"

"Wow, didn't peg you to be the forgetful type Sanemi, thought that was Tokito's job."

"Fuck you, my memory is just fine!"

"Tokito refrain from cursing. Obanai stop picking fights with little kids. Sanemi are you really that stupid?"

"Fuck you Shinobu, i'm not stupid"

"Shinazugawa I will kindly ask you to refrain from cursing. We have a child here"

"Himejima-san, that 'child' just cursed out Obanai"

"Ara Ara Tomioka-san! You should speak up a bit more frequently, other people didn't even notice you!"

"e-eh, Tokito-kun, Shinazugawa-san, we shouldn't curse each other out!"

"I agree with Kanroji"

"Aren't you in lo-"

"Shut it Tokito"

Sanemi snorted, happy that he wasn't stuck with depressed emo nerd, but it wasn't long until Obanai's words caught up to him.

"Iguro what did you mean by me being forgetful? I don't think anything important is happening today"

"HAAAH? YOU FORGOT!?"

"Mitsuri if you could lower your voice"

"Right, sorry Shinobu. You forgot!?"

Now Sanemi wasn't angry, he was just confused.

"Alright, first Tomioka drilling me about the date, second Shinobu calling me an idiot and third you telling me I forgot about something? Okay if I forgot about something what did I forget about?"

"Your birthday silly!"

Oh. Oh. OHHHHH.

Oh shit

Thats what he forgot about.

So what, he's 22 now.

He never really celebrated his birthday, too focused on surviving in the hellhole he was supposed to call home. After his father sperm donor was killed, he kind of forgot his birthday existed.

"Wait- how did you guys know it was my birthday?"

"Thats for us to know"

"Iguro you little shit-"

Sanemi sighed and flushed a little red, embarrassed that he forgot, and came face to face with Tomioka the mother fucking Giyuu. Wayyy to close.

If Sanemi was a bit pink then he was a fucking tomato now. One thing he noticed was that Giyuu was holding an ohagi.

"Here, happy birthday"

Sanemi snatched the ohagi from Giyuu's hands and took a bite. It melted right on his tongue and hit the spot. It was the perfect amount of quantity, quality, and sweetness.

"I hope you like it. Genya told me how you like and how to make it. He's a sweet person, your brother. He's also adorable when he focuses. Hope you enjoy it 'Nemi'"

Sanemi likes to consider himself as a very nice person.

So as any calm, sane, stable, level headed person would do, he lunged for Tomioka's throat and proceeded to strangle the everliving shit out of the water hashira.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY FUCKING BROTHER!"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHINAZUGAWA SANEMI!!!!!!!!!!!

Sanemi is my favorite hashira by far. He is also one of the most complicated character I have ever seen. Happy birthday you emotionally constipated white-haired menace!

[paralyze-fic]

Paralyze.

Chapter 39

When the alarm went off, I groaned and rubbed my eyes, turning around to sleep some more, but a soft hand touched my hair and then the alarm was shut off.

"Come on, (M/n), we have school," Katsuki said in my ear making shivers run down my spine, and I hugged his waist, lowering myself to hide in his chest.

"I don't wanna~" I whined while pecking his exposed skin. When I felt Katsuki's hand on my side, my mind went like, 'Oh, he changed his mind and will stay with me'.

But nope.

First, it was the burnt smell and then my skin getting a bit warmer, until at last, it made me jump from his bed and take my t-shirt off.

"Katsuki!" I yelled at him, and he just laughed sitting up, resting his weight on one arm.

"That's what you get for not listening to me." I groaned and walked into his bathroom to look at the new burn on my side.

It wasn't really big, Katsuki made the heat focused just in one place of his palm but it burned. Really badly.

"There's an ointment for burns under the sink," I looked at my boyfriend, standing against the door frame and pointing to said sink.

"Thank you, sweetie," I said sarcastically and he laughed, walking away, probably to get changed. I found the ointment and rubbed a bit on the burn, putting it back in its place when I was done. I walked out, and I saw Katsuki on his bed, sitting crisscrossed and looking at his phone. "I'm going to my room to change."

"Why? You can borrow one of my shirts." I glanced at him and then at his closet.

"Your clothes are tiny." He growled and stood up, walking to one of his dressers and opening it.

"That's a lie, you are just a robust guy who doesn't like wearing tight clothes." For a moment my aura went depressed. "What now?"

"You indirectly called me fat, didn't you?" Katsuki groaned in a frustrated way and threw his t-shirt at my head.

"Wear it before I get you real burns," he went back to sit on his bed and I sighed. The t-shirt was black and said All Might on the front, I snickered and put it on. It was tight, but it also was bigger than the rest of Katsuki's t-shirts, so I didn't complain. "Now I have a new wallpaper." Katsuki hummed as he walked out of his room, probably to eat breakfast.

"What...? Katsuki, what do you mean?" I followed him and looked over his shoulder, staring at his phone screen which was in sight. Instantly my body felt like it was on fire and I covered my face. "I look awful, why, Katsuki~, change it, please." The wallpaper was a picture of me.

I was standing with the shirt in my hands about to put it on and my body was visible.

"My boyfriend has a fuckboy body, how lucky am I," Katsuki got in the elevator by himself and I just stood in the middle of the hall, contemplating life and death.

//////

"Hey, Katsuki..." I trailed on, slowly walking behind him. Eijiro looked at me and Katsuki just hummed.

"Oi, pay attention to him," Eijiro nudged him, probably because I was looking down at my shoes, standing still.

"What?" I flinched a bit at Katsuki's voice but I just gripped my backpack's strap. "(M/n)...?"

"Can you leave us alone for a bit, Eijiro?" I glanced at him, the red-head was confused for a bit, but smiled and nodded.

"Don't take too long or you'll be late for class." He added before walking ahead.

I stood in front of Katsuki and held his hand. "You know about..." my words got stuck in my throat. I wasn't sure why I couldn't ask him, it's not like I wasn't aware, Izuku explained it to me last night, "About... All Might and Iz... Izuku, right?" I looked up at him, and he was staring confused at me.

"What do you mean?" My eyes stared down again.

"About Izuku being All Might's successor..." I whispered and I heard his breath hitch.

"What are you talking about, (M/n)...? Ha, you're funny today," I held his wrist before he walked away.

"Izuku told me already, I just wanted to make sure what he said was true, about you knowing it too," he groaned and kicked a pebble on the ground.

"Yes, I know. But how did you find out, anyway? Did that asshole's tongue went loose again?" I chuckled but shook my head.

"I kinda... overheard a conversation..." he stared at me and then scoffed, looking ahead.

"That asshole again... it's supposed to be a secret, and there he goes, talking about shit with unknown people," I chuckled at that and stood beside him, wrapping my arms over his shoulder and shuffling his soft spiky hair. "What-?! What's wrong with you?! Stop it, (M/n)!" I laughed and made him walk with me towards U.A. where Eijiro was waiting for us at the entrance, along with the rest of the Bakusquad.

"What were you two talking about?" Mina asked us and I just shrugged, like it was nothing important.

"About homework." And that was when three of them screeched.

"There was homework?!" I couldn't contain my laugh when Kaminari, Mina and Eijiro yelled at the same time, gripping their hair, and Sero laughed too.

I heard Katsuki chuckling beside me and I looked at him, smiling softly. "I love you," I whispered into his ear and he went silent, blushing furiously and pushing my arm away from him.

"What are you doing?!" He yelled and I cracked with laughter again, the rest of the squad now staring at us, soon laughing too, Katsuki was trying to contain his smile, but he showed us a tiny grin. "You all really are dumbasses, fucking hell, let's go already." Katsuki walked ahead of us and I went to stand by his side, Eijiro on his opposite side, Mina beside him, and Sero standing with Kaminari at my side. And like that, we entered U.A. talking and goofing around the halls together, heading to our classroom while everybody stared at us as if we were aliens or something weird.

It was during moments like these where I couldn't stop thinking about Hitoshi... it seemed like only yesterday was the Sports Festival. It's been so long. I have to talk with him. I shouldn't let my transfer get in the way of a twelve-year friendship.

//////

I can't...

My thumb was hovering over the send button, but I just couldn't do it.

Hitoshi wasn't the type to hold resentment or anything like that but... I'm scared.

Because even if don't talk at all, we're still best friends. What scares me it's the thought, that maybe, if I talk to him, he wouldn't want anything to do with me and we won't be friends ever again. So I'm gonna wait a bit more until my cowardly self goes away.

And like that, I closed the messaging app and focused on what the boys were talking about during lunch. Katsuki was looking at me, and I just smiled at him, he tsked and turned away, but I felt his hand touching mine under the table, a tingly feeling there where his touch graced my skin. I bit my bottom lip, and slowly, hold Katsuki's hand, intertwining our fingers.

That's how we spent our lunch, talking, laughing and playfully arguing.

++++

Don't hate Paralyze for forgetting about Hitoshi...

Because I was the one who forgot about him 🙂

[omnidemidisaster]

Hey i was wondering if you could do radford x rick and make it fluff/sfw? If not then that's fine :)

My popcorn is bitter

Radford x Rick

Tw/ Depression and suicidal thoughts.

( As always, a mini PSA. If you or someone you love is experiencing thoughts of suicide, I strongly encourage you or that person to get help asap. I know for a fact someone in this wide world wants you to be alive. My dms are always open if you need someone to talk to )

"Check in"

It was another of those late nights. The nights where Rick just lied in bed...awake. Just staring at that white, now very darkish grey looking, ceiling. The bed was comfortable, but no amount of pillows or soft blankets could ever erase his thoughts.

His thoughts? Yeah...thoughts of why am I even here? or should I stay alive if I serve zero purpose?. Those thoughts were consistent, like a weed in a beautiful garden. And no matter how hard Rick tried and tried to get rid of those thoughts...nothing helped.

He sat up...and was considering. Considering everything that came to this point...

Just then...his phone rang. He looked over...Radford was calling him....Eh, why not say goodbye to him, thats what Radford at least deserved.

Rick picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

Rick heard Radford's excited and nerdy voice coming from the other side of the phone.

"Yo! Rick! Sorry if I woke you up this late, but guess what!"

Rick sighed. He felt bad he was gonna leave such a sweet guy behind...at least it'll be the last person and he was okay with that.

"What?"

"I ended up getting and saving enough and...I want you to go to The Rainbow Bullets show with me!"

Huh...he wanted Rick to see some random rock concert with him...But why Rick? Radford has other friends...Like Kevin. Kevin's clearly more worthy.

"No...its fine..."

Rick could somehow hear Radford's pout from the other end.

"But Riiick! I've been wanting you to come with me! I know how much you love them and I wanna spend time with you! Pleeeeaaase?"

...

"Rick?"

Rick realized he was just staring and responded.

"But why me? I don't even have money.."

"Well thats because you keep quitting...But still! I wanna take you! I have enough to take us, don't worry about the money. Just..please, will you go with me? Pleeeaaase?"

Dammit Radford...he sounded just like his brother.

Rick gave it some thought...fine.

"Oh alright. I'll go with you. Just let me drive for us, its the least I can do"

Rick heard Radford's very hushed "yesss!", which did make him smile a bit.

"Cool! I'll meet you after my shift, okay?"

"Kay"

"Alright. I'll go so you can sleep. Goodnight Rick! I love you!"

Before Rick responded, Radford had already hung up.

That left Rick just staring at his phone screen. Radford...dammit Radford. Why did Radford even say he loved Rick? Surely, surely that was accidental. No one loved Rick...

His phone buzzed again with a text from Radford. It was the directions to the place where this concert would take place, plus an extra message.

Radford ☆: Oh yeah. I'm sorry about the whole love you thing

Radford ☆: But I mean it! >:D

Radford ☆: I LOVE YOU DUDE!!! <33

Radford ☆: Alright alright you gotta sleep. How else are you gonna get energy to party tomorrow?!

Radford ☆: alright. Goodnight! I love you! Don't you forget that! >:))). Okay love you!!!

Rick: love you too

Rick put down his phone. Every and all thoughts of considering just fizzled out. Fine...he can spend one day with Radford at some concert.

He rolled back into bed and got under the covers. It seemed that that bed was much more comfortable this time around.

Instead of thoughts of a life without him, now it was just what to wear to that concert...and how the hell did Radford make him feel...whatever the hell he was feeling.

Whatever...he'll see Radford tomorrow and that was all that was important right now. And for the first time in a while, Rick went to sleep without those backstabbing thoughts in his head.

[ofthatcolossalwrxck]

Entry date: 24th of September

Well , ain't this funny . The last entry I wrote was on 6th (or maybe 7th ?) of this month , and Uh . I'm not good at telling time apart , how could I when the dates just feel so . Blurry ? But well , I digress — I hadn't taken my anti psychotics for so long , and I hadn't realized until the nausea had me passed out at work . . Thankfully , no co - worker of mine saw me . They all walked by , thinking that I was just asleep on my desk , and although the thought that people can just pass by when I'm like That . . Kinda stings . It's Whatever , it's fine . I should have learned my lesson a long time ago that people are not keen as they seem ; because if they had , I think they would have noticed a long time ago my cries for Help . My desperation . My

Ah , No . No . no . Now , that's selfish . I am not entitled to that kind of attention and I don't deserve that kind of attention , I feel . And I shouldn't try to rely on people for that either , I shouldn't rely on people too hard because they're not as trustworthy as they say they are , and Well , I don't want to hurt more than I have alreadybhurt . Anyways , anti - psychotics Right . God bless my therapist for beingbso patient with me ; I have no idea as to why she hasn't given up on me yet , especially since I missed so many sessions and I haven't taken much of my medication lately either so I have so much to make up for . Hm

On my first night after a long time of taking anti - pscyhotics . The side effects feel just as heavier than it did before though , now I feel like there's a literal something weighing down my eye lids , because with each second I breath in , I find myself dozing off . The nausea hasn't gotten away completely either – so I'm not sure why I'm feeling that way either . Actually thinking about it , I always feel that a Lot ever since I came back into existence . Comes in waves but it's usually bearable So i dont know Why Everythtigg's aching , I don't know why it hurts to moce a lot i mena it usually is but It feels more Painful it hurts the throbbing I can feel it Down mg Legs

the air fele sHumid i think i think I thrink I think I deserve abit of rest maybe Lay down for a Little while on my bed perjaps . . Something scarss me though , my therpaist wants to administ e r anti depressants as soon A sI get used to anti pscyhotics but Honestly ?? Id dont know if I want to take more medicine if this is how I feel rigtht now i hope aftee a bit of rest I will be ready for the job interview in Thee days god i need that job now that theres one person a d a pet sheep in my house Now

ghostbur . Ghostbru right . I havent nmmentioned Ghostbur , haven't I ? he's moved in with me now afte rmy invitation , and thinkjng anout it , I should definitely work on that extra room too so we won't have to share the Same bed and he can have his Own little space . Its the lwadt I can do since he nrought me the closure I needed – I i nee d I N eed to be better , i have to because everyone's pain would be for nothing if I didn't I i yeah . just a Few moments of rest first .. before I think about that ......

[onabeee]

Hi sorry I'm a new anon I'm really loving ur writing ty for doing it!!! ♡♡

Could we maybe have a tyler fic or blurb or hc thingy about getting season depression sorta in the summer and Ty doing small things - sort of like the Josh one actually, if that's okay?

Thank you smsm, I love ur writing!!

-🦷 (New anon :3)

hi 🦷!! I am so so glad you like my work! I try to write in a way that makes everyone satisfied!! Thank you!! PS. this story wil

You hated the winter time. Well, let me re-phrase. You hated the end of the year. Every year it felt like you were behind on everything. Mid year tests were catching up on you and you were only in your sophomore year. Christmas was coming sooner than expected and before you knew it, finals were next week and it was already Friday. Your boyfriend, Tyler played basketball and had his own life aside form you being his girlfriend so his plate was pretty full too. Although it felt like you needed him more than ever at the moment. It felt like a disease. Every year around the same time, you would live out your winter months like a robot. Your life would be on auto pilot till after Christmas break.

Eventually, your habits led you to your desk. Your chunky binder was in the floor next to the desk in your room. Papers were wrapped all around your desk, as if waiting for something to happen. You looked at the messy writing on the papers. You couldn't bring yourself to really study and memorize these questions and formulas. You hated yourself because of how much you were procrastinating. You just stared blanky at the study guides and papers all around your desk. You took a deep breath before bracing yourself for the papers. You put your phone on "Do not disturb" and put some headphones on and you began working. After a few hours you felt exhausted from studying, you hands ached from writing so much and your back wasn't any better. You took your headphones off and set them to charge. You stretched a little bit before heading downstairs to get a small snack. You didn't bother checking your phone right now. Sure you felt pretty nice knowing you weren't completely cooked for mid terms but you could still feel that empty feeling, as if something or someone was missing.

You were reeled out of your thoughts as you heard someone knock on the door. It was already seven pm, who could be knocking at this time? You walked up to the front door, feeling the cold breeze as you walked closer. To your surprise it was Tyler! But why was he here at this time? You smiled of course and hugged him with your arms around his neck. You let go and backed up, waiting for him to explain why he was even here in the first place. Tyler put on a sheepish smile before speaking. "Sorry for uhm coming over without a notice.." He took a small inhale You weren't answering and, its been hours, and-" You cut him off with a small chuckle. "I was just studying." Tyler nods slowly at your statement. "yeah... yeah that's reasonable.." A small blush crept up his cheeks as he grew more embarrassed. He didn't take his eyes off you, you wish he did though because he saw the bags under your eyes and the lack of self care.

"are you.. have you been sleeping lately?" the question caught you by surprise. You have been sleeping, just not as much as usual. Mid terms, work, and finding gifts for people had taken over your night routine. "I have." You responded. Tyler looked skeptical. "Have you uhm studied at all?" You were confused on why he asked this question. "Yeah that's what I've been doing, why?" you asked, the wind wasn't getting any better. Tyler was cold himself so he made it short and easy. "Right, so you spent your sleeping time studying?" You nod in response. "Yeah, no. You need a rest Y/N. Get a coat on, you're coming with me. I miss you. " You immediately went to your room to get a coat and some more warmer clothes. You even forgot to close the door so Tyler had to close it for you. Soon enough, you found yourself in his car driving to wherever the road took you guys. You looked outside the window admiring the scenery. Tyler's fingers where on the steering wheel, tapping to the beat of the music. "I didn't really think this date out that much." Tyler admits to you. "I don't really know where to go exactly." He dragged out with a slight laugh. You faced him and smiled. "Well we could maybe head to the park?" You suggested, "Yeah! yeah.. I- uh was thinking of that." He smiled back, his eyes darting from the road and your face. It was obvious he actually wasn't thinking of the park. You two reached the park Tyler held the door open for you as you got out. It was cold but somehow with Tyler by your side, it wasn't so bad. You two walked around the park, admiring the lights and the quiet peacefulness of the night. Eventually you two stumbled upon the play ground and before you knew it, the two of you were on the swings. The air was cold and silent. It wasn't a stabbing brutal silence but more of a content one.

Tyler spoke up. "Hey, 'm sorry that I haven't been spending time with you." He said fidgeting with the chains on the swings. "I've been busy with basketball and school." He would explain. You only looked at him, you understood that he had a life as well, a busy one at that. "its alright Ty, I'm just glad you're here with me right now." You comforted him. He only blushed with a small smile, pushing himself slightly on thew swings with his legs. "You're too good for me, you know that?" You rolled her eyes jokingly. "I wouldn't say that. We're both pretty down bad people with flaws and stuff, I still love you either way. " He didn't waste anytime. He hopped up from the swing and walked towards you, causing you to stand up. "You're perfect." He murmured, his body inches away from you. "I could say the same for you." She replied before he kissed you. You hands around his neck and his hands on your waist. the kiss was passionate and something you've been wanting for a while. he lets go and looks in you eyes. "You better get rest when you et back home Y/N." She roll your eyes and a small smile "yeah yeah mister boss man." you teased. Maybe you needed this break, maybe the winter time isn't that bad when he's around.

[lovelywingsart]

Hello I'm not dead just extremely busy and burnt out because we leave for our yearly convention on Thursday and guess who's making an entirely new hammer for Heisenberg

This is what I have as of last night and I need to finish the front piece in order to paint it tomorrow because we leave for the hotel on Thursday

This thing is fucking huge, about 4+ feet in length. It nearly comes up to my shoulder.

Real talk, I would have had it done about a month ago had everything not happened at once... My moms accident, plus the depression and fuckery at work, its been... bad. Really bad mentally. So I've been crunching making this thing, I hate looking at it because it makes me depressed but I'm almost done and its already so much better than my old one and ill post a comparison image when it's done but like.

I've been chipping away at this for about 3 fucking weeks, if not a straight month because of everything happening. I haven't been able to do art, barely been able to sleep because I've been staying up late to work on it (between 1-3am when I need to wake up between 7-8am), this thing has been haunting me and I despise it

But also my cosplay is gonna be so much better for it, I can hold it WITHOUT the handle threatening to snap because I used PVC pipe as the base instead of wooden dowles AND i can swing it around. Might add more glue for the gears to add a tad bit MORE stability, but right now I can swing it and it won't break and thats what matters. Its also heavy as fuck for me too, and it'll be hell carrying it for 2 days... but it'll be fun.

Maybe.

Anyway, I'm back off to work, I'm gonna finish this bitch tonight, paint tomorrow, and be ready by Thursday. I'm gonna do it. And then after the convention I can focus on art fucking FINALLY.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

It has been a decade since my sex-reassignment surgery.

-

I had my SRS 10 years ago.

-

It's been almost 4 years since I had the first stage of my vaginoplasty.

-

I had my second SRS revision surgery.

-

I am getting a second surgery.

-

After my surgery, I was just in such a dark place and I didn't really want to talk about it. I didn't really want to have to go back into it and feel all those feelings over again.

-

I had a few complications. Bleedings, infections.

-

I've had complications and I've had a hard time.

-

I did have some complications and I did have some, you know, concerns that not everybody deals with.

-

I thought it would make me happier, and initially it did. Was that worth the constant issues I've had, the dilation I have to do for the rest of my life?

-

I'm having the worst time with dilation.

-

I was experiencing a little bit of dehiscence, which is basically when you are so swollen that the sutures that they put start to rip open. It was as bad as it sounds.

-

I have trouble urinating. I kind of walked around with it for a year before I seeked help.

-

The reason I'm dilating twice a day is because if I miss once, it is so painful, I like dread it so much because it's so painful.

-

I went to dilate again that night and I think I moved a stitch. I don't know what happened, but something happened, and I was in excruciating pain. It felt like literally somebody had, like, shot me or stabbed me or burned me or something down there.

-

I had to dilate and I had to try to open my urethra up, and it was just like.... yeah, I'm going to start crying.

-

I was bleeding every time. I literally was going to pass out. I threw up because I had so much pain.

-

I remember like, bawling my eyes out saying what did I do? Like, what did I do to myself? I fucked myself up. I was never going to heal from this.

-

My body is constantly trying to heal after surgery, since it considers it to be an open wound.

-

I mean, what can I do except go and have another revision?

-

I remember starting to cry in the surgeon's office because I was like, I'm depressed and I'm in school, it's painful, like, it's just, it's a lot.

-

The issues I had very early on should have been indications to me that I should not have done this. But I hated my male self so much that I needed to. And now there is no way to go back.

-

You can never go back.

-

When you get a surgery, it's not always gonna go well.

-

If I had known about the irreversible physical damage I caused my body, then I would have never done any of this.

-

It's very much a commitment for life. You're going to have to rely on doctors for the rest of your life.

-

Don't be like me and deny problems until it's too late. Rather, address them so you can be happier and live a healthier life.

==

I don't know who, but somebody needs to hear this. Somebody needs to hear that, as much as you hate your body right this moment, you will hate it even more once you're trapped in a malfunctioning body that is still trying to behave the way its genetics instruct it to, and despite your cosmetic intentions. You can never undo it.

Ritchie Herron is a detransitioned man who went through this procedure and now has to live with the consequences, now that he has a constantly closing "neo-vagina" where his genitals are supposed to be.

He explained that the reality of it - even notwithstanding complications - is not explained or well understood by those seeking it. Only the rosy sales brochure version.

So, you don’t get any information at the gender clinic about surgery. They don’t give you any videos, they don’t give you any sort of interactions with others who have got it. For instance, I heard about another clinic that, in their pre-surgery group, they introduced people who had had surgery, and the referral list for surgery dropped dramatically, when people realised what it’s like living like this, and it is very, very difficult. You only hear the positives.

You can't be "born in the wrong body," because you are your body. You and your body are the same organism.