#its just been getting bad abt stupid things lately

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

sigh. babygirl the unhealthy coping skills fighting for the lead like it's the goddamn olympics in my brain tonite 😔

[lovekylarforever]

hi belovedsss im gonna be taking a break from tumblr for a bit! things have gotten much worse with my health recently, so i probably wont be super active on socmed until after ive gotten and then recovered from surgery or at least until i finally get some relief from pain meds

[pulquedeguayaba]

Been crying regularly since June last year but these last couple of weeks damn, specially this one that just ended.

I dont think I've ever cried so much in my life

[connormoving]

having a midlife crisis atm i think i might start reading [redacted] this is rly scary for me keep me in your thoughts

[crushedsweets]

SCREAMING SHAKING YOU OVER YOUR CREEPYPASTA SQUID GAMES ART YES YEEEEES YESSSSS 💥💥💥💥💥 silly silly question abt it but how do u think they (clocky toby kate and nina but u can include other creeps too) would die in squid games and how devastating would it be

ok so i kept TRYING to think about it as i drew but i legit couldnt come up with anything. so ill try to scramble out ideas now

it would take place in s2 because i drew them with the X/Os on their shirts (and s2 is more fun to me). . . spoilers ahead most likely. also SUPER disorganized and messy because if i tried to make this organized and clean itd take me an hour

so squid game AU where they all existed without slendy. im gonna focus on toby/nat/nina/kate/EJ(the creepjects) but ill mention jeff, ben, lulu, ann, brian, tim, jane, and liu

why theyre in debt/how the salesman approached them

toby is not a proxy, he's in the games because his mom is in a ton of medical debt after lyra's death and she went back to frank bc of it. toby is in there to relieve her debt, mostly so she can leave frank for good. he never killed his dad. the salesman prob came up to him after he and his dad got into a really violent fight after lyras death and he stormed out and was in a really bad spot.

similarly, i sort of like the idea of Jack's parents going into debt. its not his fault at all, but his dad maybe starts gambling for fun, it spirals out of control, he keeps desperately gambling to fix his mistakes, and its fucking up their (and all his 5 siblings) lives. i think he'd get approached by the salesman after pulling a lot of his own savings out to help his parents, only for it to barely make a dent in their debt and causing a huge argument between him and his dad.

natalie would fall into student loan debt after she moves states away for art school to escape her family, and they never had any savings, so the expenses piled up and financial aid/working multiple jobs couldnt keep up with them. she was approached by the salesman after cussing out a customer and getting fired on the spot cuz of it.

nina was big on buying, reselling, etc with a lot of fashion items. she eventually would get into a lot of luxury items, which immediately up the prices. even if they werent scams, she probably shouldnt have been buying them anyway, but she got screwed over severely and fall into credit card debt. however instead of trying to pay it off, she'd keep fucking herself cuz she has no self control. doesnt even realize how bad her debt is till its unsalvageable. salesman prob approached her after her card got declined and she finally called her bank and got the news and started freaking out.

i think kate was just pulling out loans to afford basic things. probably started with a car because she was young and fresh out of the foster system(IN A NON-SLENDY AU BTW) and needed transportation so she can work and get settled into her adult life. fucked over by a loan shark who took advantage of her being financially illiterate and had insane interest rates, resulting in her pulling out more loans to avoid getting her ass kicked, only for it to spiral. prob got approached by salesman after a loan shark roughed her up for being late and shes on her last leg

this is really hard cuz i love them all so much i dont wanna kill any of them and i can think of 100 reasons for why each would be 'good' to kill off for the sake of the story and 100 reasons why their death would be bad for my soul

SO REDLIGHT GREENLIGHT

i think in redlightgreenlight, kate and toby wouldve been arguing abotu some stupid shit. kate shoves toby when the song ends, he hits the floor, and the doll turns around. hes still on the floor, and some people start getting shot. thats when they realize this is a death game and kate realizes she nearly killed him(and possibly herself) if she pushed him even 5 seconds later.

realistically, nina would die in redlightgreenlight because the blood/gunshots would scare her so bad she'd be one of the people shaking, screaming, or running. BUT I DONT WANT HER TO SO THIS DEATH CAN BE HYPOTHETICAL.

SO ILL SAY INSTEAD the reason nina survives despite her shaking is because she's hiding behind Clocky. who is doing good at the game and doesnt even realize nina has been hiding behind her until the end of the game, in which she turns around like "...?why are you standing so close back up."

i think jack would be sort of quiet and not really notable in the first game. i dunno why but he seems like a character that would show up later. OR he'd be like Ali(199 s1) or Hyun-ju(120 s2) who makes their first big move by saving someone else, even if it risks their life.

SO THEN THE FIRST VOTE.

nina immediately votes X, clocky votes O, toby votes O, kate votes O, EJ votes O. theyre all desperate and think the only reason ppl lost redlightgreenlight was fear/confusion, and that the next games cant be that bad.

THEN THE SIX LEGGED PENTATHALON.

they'd all get put together.

toby would play ddakji. clocky plays flying stone. nina plays gong-gi. jack plays spinning top. kate plays jegi.

i think for other creeps, id prob shove some of them into a group against their will where they'd go in super confident and then die. like jeff/ben/lulu would be in a group, asking Ann to join. she'd reject them, and die in her own group

SO THE SECOND VOTE

EJ, Nina, and Clocky vote X. Kate and Toby vote O. clocky screams at them for it. kate just kinda sits there and lets her yell, but toby argues back. "you selfish fucking pricks why would you do that?!" "i need the fucking money man EVERYONE here needs the money stop bitching!" etc. Nina doesnt talk to them for the rest of the night, till the next game. EJ talks to them and is like "i understand. it was your decision, not mine." because he also almost voted O

SO MINGLE.

round one with 10 people, they get grouped with jeff(013), ben(404), lulu(400), jane(119), and liu(310). (i think jeff would be dragging lulu around everywhere. ben follows jeff voluntarily, jane and liu end up there cuz they needed two more)

round two with 4, jack and clocky are like "go take the other three into a room ill find someone else" but theyre losing time arguing, so toby and kate end up dragging clocky. so clocky, nina, kate, and toby in a room. jack barely scrapes by with another room, so theyre all so relieved when he shows up - but theres a moment of awkward tension between toby and jack, because toby chose clocky without second thought

round 3 with 3, toby, kate, and clocky get in a room together. nina is freaking out grabbing onto jack in near tears, and before jack can find someone, another tim(209) and brian(214) grab nina and force her into a room. leaving jack with nobody.

JACK IS ELIMATED IN MINGLE. nina is screaming banging on the wall. the others have no idea he's dead until they see nina choking on her tears.

round 4 with 6, nina doesnt wanna go with toby or kate anymore, but clocky begs her to just stick with them. so nina, toby, kate, and clocky. jeff and ben join them, leaving lulu to die. jeff defends himself saying he swore he left her with a group of 5.

round 5 with 2, toby and kate. nina and clocky. jeff and ben. jane and liu. tim and a random man who forced his way into the room before brian could, leaving brian to die. tim starts beating the man while the door is locked, nearly killing him before the door opens.

lulu, jack, and brian are elimated in mingle.

SO VOTE 3...

Clocky, Nina, Jane, Liu, Tim, and Toby vote X. Jeff, Ben, and Kate vote O.

nina's the one to scream at kate now, but kate once again just sits there and takes it. kate is Unfortunately Quite indifferent to herself or the people around her dying. toby voted X this time cuz of Jack's death + Nina and Clocky are just so distraught.

kate, being 008, is one of the last people to vote so it's a huge like ?! moment.

then the bathroom scene happens after the tie . . .

i think ben and liu die in the bathroom scene. liu didnt mean to get into a fight, and ben bit off more than he could chew. jeff is losing his mind cuz he's all alone now. jane is distraught after lius death so clocky/nina console her. kate sees toby covered in blood and she's shaken up by it.

SO LIGHTS OUT HAPPENS.

jeff kills jane. im sorry. im so sorry. she doesn't deserve it but he'd go straight for her.

this literally only leaves clocky, nina, toby, kate, jeff, and tim as MC's...

ok the issue here now is How would the whole revolution happen... i think tim would have to be in gi-hun/456's position and he's the one to lead it.

tim, toby, clocky, kate would go. nina and jeff stay back cuz jeff WANTS to stay in the game and nina doesnt wanna die (plus the others wouldnt let her join).

so. yeah. um. thats so pathetic i really jsut squidgamed them all

[ramblingidk]

I'll get shot for this but it's why I'm staying anon, it's funny being around antis as someone who just lurks as unlabelled and idgaf what ppl do, because I can say the exact same words abt why someone will proship but just replace the word proship with selfship,,, AND ITS THE EXACT SAME!!! THERE IS 0 REASON TO BEEF ON THIS STUFF, only reason I don't get "caught" is just saying "ew yeah I hate (insert group)" which I really don't and it sucks having to do sm bs to avoid life endangerment over a damn ship.

Genuinely I've lost friends over the harassment that antis do because they just can't be online anymore or literally kill themselves after about the 5th time they get doxxed.

Anti harassment goes both ways, but antis seem to act like they were cut first when someone bites back.

Also very real more ppl should be touching grass bc the biggest "proshippers" I've met have been irl or just regular ass people because no one circle jerks their superiority over shit that isn't real 🎉

I don't understand what the big deal is and why it is about fictional pairs. I remember when I was in the Undertale fandom back in the late 2010s there would be a TON of people shipping things like Frans, sansceet and so on. Yeah there were plenty of people saying it's bad and weird, but there was way, WAY less drama then before 2020 when normies flooded the internet. I do know there have been life endangering dramas even then about stupid things like a Frans artist or someone supposedly drawing Rose Quartz from SU "too thin", but I don't believe those issues were as big as nowadays. I wonder how things even got to this point...

I'm so sorry to hear about your friends. It's obvious, but no one should ever have to go through that. It's crazy to think that so many people out there are willing to leak someone's real life location (or in other words literally commit a crime) over things that most definitely don't harm anyone. Again, I wonder how it got to the point where that is normalized...

Yeah, a lot of antis seem to have a giant victim complex lmao. I never understood what's with them and actively infiltrating our community spaces after they specifically tell us to find or make our own, especially when they're an older age (15+). I'll never forget that I literally had a 26yo anti trying to argue with me (a minor) about proshippers in the self ship communit, can you imagine being an adult but still being an anti

And absolutely! Most of the time the proshippers are the normal ones living a good if not decent life. We touch grass and shower and are cool unlike these basement dweller gremlins who spend their time contributing nothing but damage to everyone 👍

[makofinz]

hello hello I NEED to know more about your werewolf slick au. I'm actually obsessed

ragghh i actually don’t have too much on it in my head as if rn !!! it stemmed from like.. a little convo in a srvr on whether chars gave vampire or werewolf vibes and i LOVE making Slick into creatures.

now i have a lot of general werewolf thoughts i can apply to her in my head bc. i think about werewolves and vampires frequently a LOT. and i fear it may be a little much for one ask, so while none of this is lore significant at all (as there is no concrete lore) i hope it is satisfactory!!! (under cut bc its. actually sort of a lot of text augh)

-mm i think the freights bein a wolf pack is silly. full moon is just. they run around and play fight and chase each other around.

-as mentioned, wolf features pop up a few days pre full moon and fade a few days post full moon, so in total, it’s arnd a week of wolf silliness. Her teeth (the ones that stick out) are part of this, so she chews a LOT in that time. she has chew toys for this bc otherwise she just tears things apart

-she sheds like crazy. like worse than any of the other freights. for some reason her fur is always around.

okay!!! general werewolf lore drop. where I think you can be born a werewolf (yk. obviously) or turned into a werewolf by being bitten. its diff than a vampire bite w/ a ton of fake biological reasons i made up but. but that’s the jist of things.

General Slick lore drop!! in my head. her and CB are siblings, where CB ended up leaving her in hopes someone else better suited would find and take care of her bc he couldnt. applying this to werewolf au is almost the same!!!

Ceeb got kicked out or separated from their original pack, took Slick with him bc it was not a good environment for EITHER of them (she was very, very little. he was mid-late teens). He could not take care of her, so ended up leaving her somewhere he hoped she’d be found by someone better equipped to care for her.

From this point on I’m still not suuper sure what events will happen in what order. But obviously, eventually she gets found by Momma, n is once again part of a pack.

-m. i think to vampires. werewolf blood can taste gross. (I usually imagine like wet dog loll). And if yk anything abt me yk how much i love shipping her w ANY of the electrics (who obv give vamp vibes). think this would be silly. (even if werewolf is showing no wolf features, blood will still vaguely taste gross to a vampire. just. slightly off. this becomes more apparent closer to full moon)

-eats raw meat even when it isnt near full moon. this doesnt make her sick, cause shes a werewolf, but its definitely odd. I think if anybody else does this too, itd be Porter. Hydra n Lumber think it’s gross. (esp Hydra, who I’ve been imagining as lab-made werewolf. Experiment to see whether it can be done n he was created.)

-as mentioned in the little doodle page. she doesnt like standing upright when transformed. she CAN, and in fact, being shorter than most werewolves, it should actually be easier for her, but it isn’t. she’s bad at it and she hates it.

-mmmmmmm shes just a big stupid puppy dog (definitely still violent to people. shes a werewolf, but much rather play than go after anyone)

-speaking of. eventually do want to draw her as a puppy. she was so scrappy and pathetic and sad looking. so easy to carry around by the scruff. idiot dog. ok. okay im done rambling lol. i like slick a lot.

& of course. cred to lovely people in srvr who inspired the drawing in the first place lolz!!!!!!! ik a lot of these thoughts might not make sense but. but trust okay.

[paingoes]

Destroyer is afk

(Masterlist)

another sherbet colored update. i really love simulating internet speech in writing i think its so fun

(Content: death mention, past trauma, self loathing, comfort??)

=======================

no posts in a month its over

they got him omg </3

Did indy fucking die?

RIP INDY

ndhakdvsnnd: can you guys stop saying that im dead  ndhakdvsnnd: also no more leaks until further notice. stop asking.

sunspot: Hey you don’t have to talk to us if you don’t want to but can you please give us some indication you’re still alive? 

sunspot: We’re really worried.

katkittykat: omg look at this video :3

katkittykat: have u ever seen a shark move like that in all ur life that shit is so crazy

katkittykat: hey where have u been lololol

katkittykat: are u mad at me :c

katkittykat: if its somethin i did can we talk abt it ??? 

katkittykat: okk ur making me nervous 

katkittykat: OH SHIT UR BACK

katkittykat: WTF

ndhakdvsnnd: hey sorry 

katkittykat: bro where did u go!!!! D:

ndhakdvsnnd: had to travel somewhere i couldnt bring my laptop

katkittykat: im rlly glad ur ok! 

ndhakdvsnnd: do you want me to send you the next batch

katkittykat: uhh yea only if ur up to it. whenever ur ready :3c

ndhakdvsnnd: i can do it now

katkittykat: ty sweetness

katkittykat: sunny wants u to answer him lol hes having an aneurysm xD

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

ndhakdvsnnd: hi

sunspot: Hey! 

ndhakdvsnnd: kitty said you wanted to talk to me

sunspot: Yes I wanted to know if you were okay because we hadn’t heard from you in a while

ndhakdvsnnd: obviously

sunspot: ?

sunspot: Why is that obvious?

ndhakdvsnnd: how would i be typing if i wasnt okay

sunspot: That doesn’t even make sense ?

sunspot: I assumed if you were offline for a month it was because you were either upset or in danger

ndhakdvsnnd: maybe i just have a day job to worry about

sunspot: In that case it would’ve been nice to receive some kind of warning so we wouldnt think you were hurt 

ndhakdvsnnd: i didnt have time

sunspot: You didn’t have time to type one sentence?

ndhakdvsnnd: okay im sorry

sunspot: Look I’m not trying to lecture you Im just saying we were concerned and I wanted to make sure you were alright.

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

sunspot: Everything’s really okay then? Nothing happened?

ndhakdvsnnd: i dont want to talk about it

sunspot: Alright.

sunspot: You know we care about you right?

ndhakdvsnnd: i didnt send a warning because i didnt know i was leaving until the last minute i didnt go by choice

ndhakdvsnnd: thanks for attacking me over it as soon as i got back though 

sunspot: Does it seem like I’m attacking you? 

ndhakdvsnnd: yes kind of

sunspot: I’m sorry then. I didn’t mean to.

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

sunspot: Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?

ndhakdvsnnd: i am just sad okay i am already getting yelled at all the time  i dont need to get it from you too 

ndhakdvsnnd: sorry this is stupid ill shut up

sunspot: No it’s okay! If you’re upset you can tell me that’s what I was messaging you about in the first place I had the feeling something was wrong

ndhakdvsnnd: are you sure

sunspot: Yes positive

ndhakdvsnnd: i just dont like feeling like everyone is disappointed or mad at me all the time i dont know 

ndhakdvsnnd: it would be one thing if i deserved it but i dont know i have been really really trying lately and it doesnt work and it makes me feel bad

ndhakdvsnnd: but i kind of deserve to feel bad so i dont know 

ndhakdvsnnd: im tired

sunspot: Why do you think you deserve to feel bad?

ndhakdvsnnd: a lot of reasons 

sunspot: I don’t think you deserve it.

ndhakdvsnnd: you dont know me though

ndhakdvsnnd: you wouldnt like me if you knew me 

sunspot: Well what I do know about you now is that you are risking your life and sanity to provide us information to help people.

sunspot: Just based on that I don’t think you deserve to feel so bad about yourself.

sunspot: I think the people you’re around are probably really hard on you and its affecting the way you see yourself.

ndhakdvsnnd: im sorry

sunspot: Why are you saying that?

ndhakdvsnnd: i dont know

ndhakdvsnnd: is it okay if i go to bed now 

sunspot: Goodnight! We can talk later if you’re up for it?

ndhakdvsnnd: okay gn

[paralleledharmony]

KNIGHT OF LIGHT ANALYSIS

a knight of light is somebody who defends/defends with light. knights are the passive class of servitude above all, the perfect balance of offensive and defensive. light is the aspect of fortune, knowledge, luck, and relevance. therefore, a knight of light is someone who can defend others with their luck and knowledge of the world around them. they feel that they lack their aspect, so they hide behind a facade in an attempt to make themselves feel better-- imagining themselves as "unlucky" and kinda stupid! their big challenge is to get over this feeling of inadequacy and discover that they aren't just their negative traits, and that those traits that they've been focusing so much on might not even be there at all.

the knight is actually already pretty fortunate and intelligent, the only thing truly bringing them down is themselves. but once they get past that, its all smooth sailing from there! they can be a great ally to their team, being able to utilize their relevance and wisdom to become the ultimate strategizer! they're almost like a jack of all trades, being adept at fighting, critical thinking, and planning. all knight of lights are different of course, so this could vary from person to person... but truly they r very lucky to have their classpect hoo hoo!!

as for powers, they are already established to be good at combat at strategy. for example, a knight of light can exploit literal light and use it against their opponents in powerful waves! as depicted in homestuck proper, if you're lucky enough, you can turn the tides of battle in ur favor no matter how good your enemy is (and clearly the knight of light IS in fact that lucky.) a knight's powers is all about weaponizing. being able to hold your aspect in your arms, accepting it, and using it for the better.

this is twt oomfs request which i freaked out when i got it (despite doing it so late my bad queue stuff..) BC this is my ocs classpect and i fucking love her .. it was still hard to write though bc my oc is like the complete opposite of what youd expect from a knight of light so i couldnt even use her as a reference but whatever hope u enjoy yay

should i post abt her here one day like if u agree maybe

[bulbabutt]

yooooooo all i do lately is vent vent vent uhhh

itsssss really annoying to feel traumatized over shit that doesnt actually matter at all but you cant feel like a person who functions cuz of it

like. mkay, few years ago i did a stupid thing which was uh. pre coming out but post taking testosterone tell this girl ('girl' she was older than me, im an adult but sos she) i that i was trans. then that i had a crush on her. like a fucking idiot, i was like 'girl pretty girl nice maybe i can finally have something'

and the thing was like. we had this lax fucking job that didnt matter, we were both basically running this shitty lil store nobody came in for the christmas season. and like i had admitted id never done anything, but i should have noticed it was gonna be weird quicker, cuz while she was understanding of like 'ok yeah youre a dude i get that' it was. hmm. it wasnt really like she felt like that, and she didnt notice so much that shit she would say hurt my feelings. like this was so unserious honestly, but uh the thing abt taking t in your mid 20s is youre like... right im... im going through a literal puberty and being stupid as a teenager. im bad with expressing my feelings normally cuz of that.

anyway. it was a fling really. it was stupid and shouldnt have happened, and it probably hurt me more than i thought, but she got like... jealous of one of the employees who id known from a prev job... who to me was like. literally a child (cuz like, id known her since she was) and that made me feel so weird, cuz i was like ?? why the hell would i be thinking about her like that i havent done ANYTHING that would make you think that. and hello i only said i liked you ? but then i guess the age gap was the same in her eyes and so that might have been why she thought that. but like pfft if youre ~25 dating a ~30 yr old its whatever thats normal. going the other way gets weirder ESP if uh. HELLO i was this kids boss?? that was so weird that she felt like that. i guess cuz i was just better at getting along w people younger than me, as someone who isnt a TRUE millennial, someone whos pop culture references lean gen z or whatever. idk i just know kids like my vibe for some reason. there was NEVER anything else going on i was just... being chill? but that was enough to cause jealousy.

but like yeah theres only so many 3 weeks in 'i dont think this is a good idea i think im bad for you' texts you can get before you just go 'yeah you know what i dont wanna do this anymore actually thats fine no hard feelings'

but i tend to be a person who just cant socialize with people for long periods of time, i ghost people a lot, i dont have a history of having friends i dont know how to maintain relationships, but also i really didnt want to at this point. i felt really gross about it and embarrassed for putting myself out there and admitting a secret about myself.

anyway next year rolls around and i see her at the next job season and she tells me she and another coworker found my tiktok page (cuz shit forcibly adding your contacts IS THE DEVIL) and uh. she had to explain to said coworker that i was trans. which. felt like shit. obviously. i was still not out.

anyway THAT person was a piece of shit who talked down to me and acted like i was terrible at my job and brought aLL the personal shit up as if i had ever trusted HER with any of it. like using my new chosen name in texts and shit to call me out for nothing. i had to give her a fucking 'excuse me, you dont get to call me that i never fucking told you that and its WEIRD that you think you get to call me that just cuz you invaded my privacy.'

she literally told both my bosses about all my private shit with this girl. like all that stupid bullshit about how we had dated and it didnt go well, she spread my private shit. and like... it all... ugh. like i got told by said bosses 'hey. none of what she said is important at all dont even worry about it.' and i really appreciated that. but that year was so bad for me, i felt like i was being watched like everything i did was being misconstrued. everything blew up so fast if there was something sma,, and it was 100% that person making it worse.

next year i just came out finally just was like. yeah alright. got a beard now, had my tits removed, might as well. and everyone was chill. personal beef spreading bitch didnt come back (the bosses were glad of that) shit was chill. was on friendly terms with "ex" being normal, never had any beef that year. was very much a 'the beef we had the previous year was this bitch egging her on'. i was partially running store. everything was fine i thought.

next year. as it turns out? was not asked to help run store that year. was very confused, there was a slot to fill that no one else could and i wasnt asked to do it. instead they had this absolute bigot who made everyone and i mean EVERYONE who worked there so uncomfortable, abusive language bigoted talk, wouldnt let people leave if they were sick ass piece of shit.. yeah he got the job. and everyone complained, but hes friends with the boss so whatever.

anyway reached my wits end. quit mid season. was fine, i was moving anyway, it was whatever.

you know why i wasnt asked to have that job? cuz the ex. for some reason without thinking, said 'yeah ill come back but i dont want him to be in charge after last year'. and she... never told me there was any problem. and that hurt me so bad. like talking to other people who were there, it all seemed like... okay, i was good at my job and would just.. act like a boss and not a friend sometimes. like be the guy going 'hey can you like. go do __ i need to count the till i dont have time to hear your funny joke rn'. and she took it personally. like its fine if youre sensitive to stuff, but i was under so much stress a lot and i dont always handle it well.

and that beef she had that she didnt tell me about turned into me losing a job, losing my sanity, feeling utterly betrayed and forcing everyone else who worked there to deal with the biggest pos as a boss with no repercussions. i heard from people post quitting i was being talked shit about by my prev bosses TO the employees. for the crime of... complaining about a bigot. who was misgendering me, being racist to other employees, making the teens feel unsafe to be around. like this was a SCREAMING old man kind of shit.

and all because the ex, initially, made a comment about not wanting me to be in charge. and i just... i really dont even know what i did. it was so underhanded. and when i asked her about it, she just said 'no i didnt say i WOULDNT work under you i just said i HOPED you wouldnt be in charge, and weeks later i asked why you werent in charge' but like??? no. you literally said something that cost me a job. you did. theres no taking that back, you didnt tell me any beef you had with me, you clearly equated job stress with personal stress. you cost me a job! YOU did that you set off a chain of events! and like i cant even begin to explain how much i helped her with shit at jobs. like i kind of took all the responsibility but we were both being paid the same. i would get called every day by her being confused by things while i was at home and help walk her through shit. it was fine, i was stressed but i was fine i never held it against her!

and she like. blew up that entire shit. that whole job i loved got blown up cuz i thought i trusted a person. like was it entirely her fault? obviously not. but that kind of shit.. it just hurt. the idea that i trusted her with my own shit years ago, then time and time again that blew up in my face until i just cant look back at any of it happily anymore makes me so upset. 8 years of a job i loved w a friend, and it all got ruined cuz i said 'hey by the way, im trans' and that spiralled into something stupid.

and i havent had a job since for SOOOOOOME REASON..... i sit at home doing fuck all cuz i cant stand the idea of being around anybody again. i dont trust anybody. i dont feel safe talking to people, being in public, having a job... its so stupid and i hate everything.

also the whole. got clocked and almost punched had my 6 ft brother not been standing near me at the time thing. so now i am uh. just completely agoraphobic.

anyway. sorry i am just in a bad place lately.

[zundamind]

wow, would you look at that! it's been a full ass year since you fucked me over! september 29th.... yeahh..... XD our fuck-you-versary! hi clifford!

in case you dont remember, the name piko might jog your mind. yeah thats me!! hellwo!! honestly you shouldve known better than to stick with your old username but hey props on you for changing it last minute! almost didnt find you for a second lolll!!

i wanted to drop in and say HEY! HELLO! HI! and give you some status updates :3

update one: i'm getting better!! no thanks to you, of course. and actually i should say we're getting better. yep! thats what happens when you suffer so bad your brain cant take suffering solo! XD

update two: while my mental health has been at an all time low ever since you fucking dropped me like a fucking ROCK, ive been getting over things lately! my clean streaks are now longer than a week! i no longer want to kms! im even making friends again!

update three: while both of the above statements are true, you still live in my mind rent free. i remember when i first stumbled across your blog a few months ago, i had a full on spiral! not anymore, though. i am STEEL, BABY! also you spinning in the mental microwave rent free is why i'm sending you this heartfelt ask!

man.... even when i try, i still find you somehow and its never intentional. like imagine scrolling the tptm tag only to be straight up jumpscared by your ex best friend's username! how embarrassing!

also i'm sorry but i have to say the reason(s) you left are sooo fucking stupid..... what, cus i was weird? come on. everyones a little weird. even a little deviantart weird. oh and because of some stupid opinions that shouldntve even mattered if you were actually a friend? get real, trey. what if i left your ass because you had a fuckin biting kink? that wouldve been funny actually. like making a sad callout post on twitter thats just "my friend left me because i wasnt vanilla enough!" XDDD

oh, and if you ever see your "stalker" again, assuming you're not thinking its me and that its actually your previous qpr or whatever the fuck, say hi! i find it funny as FUCK, since, you know, you were considering cyberstalking me at one point. and tell chaos i said hi too. i'd also mention mayu, but do you two even keep in touch anymore? probably not, considering the weird things she's done.

anyways thats the end of my relay. if you dont want these kinds of asks again, i suggest either turning asks off or just straight up deleting your tumblr and/or making another one that is NOT connected to any username youve used in the past, because in that case i'll just find your ass again lmaooo. remember! every year on this day will be the day i remind you that you are NOT allowed to stay sane X3

sincerely, your most hated, piko. (i hardly use my old blog anymore, so have fun finding my current blog! and do what you want with this ask, make a callout post, scream into the ethers, reply to it, idc.)

this should stay private but idc

i know what i did was wrong piko! i was 12-13.

dont take this as me excusing myself. i had horrible emotional regulation back then, ive healed from everything back there. you dont deserve to be called out because ur like. 14-15.

do not bring mayu or chaos into this,weve all healed and forgot abt you.

i overreacted bc of very worthless things because i was basically obsessed witj you, you were my fp, if you didnt know.

completely forgot you even existed, i havent been checking your profiles at all in months. you shouldnt either, please forget about me. you'll drive yourself crazy.,

if you think im going to "cancel" you, no im not. for your sake, please dont interact with me anymore. i apologize for how i acted over stupid things, but we were both young and idiotic. im also a system, i dont even remember half of the things you did bc of that.

move on. ive moved on, weve all moved on.

dont bother yourself with me, you dont need to.

[connormoving]

i unlocked a new voice earlier btw but i cant do it that much bc it requires me to be nervously laughing and breathing very heavily and it had me gasping for breath for like 30 minutes

[enlighten3d]

Hi sorry I know this might be really personal and you obviously don't have to answer if you don't want to but you post a lot about being aroace and I've been thinking about that for myself kind of a lot lately and was just wondering how you know for sure that that's what you are as opposed to not having found the right person yet kind of thing that people always tell you.

Again sorry personal absolutely don't feel pressured.

mmmm okay so! idm answering this, im happy to help (: but for claritys sake: i am asexual by definition, but i dont indentify as such! i only id as aromantic bcs thats the only indentity that actually feels important and like a part of me. might not make any sense but whatever lol

how i knew that im aro? i just. found the label, and was like, 'sure, why not.' and it stuck. its... for the difference between being aro and not having found the right person yet, its that, well. okay, so what if youre not actually aro? you do meet someone you love romantically even after youve ided as aro for years? cool, whatever, you can keep the aro label, or change it. or you never do fall in love romantically, and dont need to do anth abt the label.

what im saying is... mm okay label is a misnomer. i once heard someone say that labels are more akin to fridge magnets - you stick them on, and maybe they stay and you like how they look and make you happy. or maybe you stick them on and they look bad and you dont like them so you take them down. or maybe you stick them on and you like them for a while, but it starts feeling wrong eventually, so you take them down. labels - like magnets - arent permanent.

its impossible to really, truly, make a mistake in finding a label that explains your experiences. even if its wrong, there was smth that felt right abt it at that time. its a part of your journey. we, as people, are ever-changing - its literally impossible to know what will happen tomorrow, nevermind in a few years (sorry the isat reference is mostly unintentional).

so how did i know? i stuck the aro magnet on. and i like how it looks for now, maybe forever. maybe ill find the 'right one' or whatever, or maybe i wont. if i do, then whatever, down goes the magnet. if i dont (and i dont think i will, for the record! i dont have any Reasoning, its just... okay ill explain this next paragraph), then up there it stays. youre free to say youre aro for now and then change it if it ever changes. theres nothing stopping you, nonnie

as for yeah, whatever vague wording i can give to my reasoning, its... standard stuff, sorry. ive never understood romance? i think its completely fucking unnecessary and overrated. stupid, even. i straightup Do Not Get It. i forced myself to say i have a crush on a guy in gr4 bcs everyone else was talking abt crushes. decided i was romantically attracted to this girl in dance class bcs i liked her vibes. trying to conform to actually wanting romance when i just dont. dated this girl in gr8, and then when we broke up (i am bad at communication and unfortunately incredibly fucking clingy), i was like... 'huh, i didnt really feel that different about her than i did abt any of my other friends'. i just really really cared abt her and wanted to be close w her, and the only way i knew how to do that was 'romance'. but that wasnt it. found out abt aro ppl (forget how; memory is Trash), and was like 'oh damn, thats... that makes sense'. i definitely had a crisis and Logic but i do not remember that, sorry. all of this is pieced together from old text messages and half-remembered memories hajdjdzkzos

imo the concept of a 'right one' is pretty damn fucking stupid (/nay; at Society). 8 billion ppl on earth. im not going to find this hypothetical right one who can change absolutely everything about me and my identity. ive got the ppl around me that i already love. im happy w that. chasing after some hypothetical infinitesimal chance of a person whos Perfect for oneself is just a damn waste of time

so just... these decisions dont have to be permanent, nonnie. youre allowed to be wrong and realise that you werent actually aroace. youre allowed to be wrong. so if you want my advice? say youre aroace. stick the magnet on, see if it falls off or not. its still a valid and valuable part of your journey. youre allowed to be wrong. youre always allowed to be wrong.

i mean, afterall, how can one be sure that they ARE allo? that they WILL find that 'right one'? through experience. so fuck around, find out. stick that magnet on.

good luck (: i rly rly hope this is helpful and not just me repeating what youve already heard, sry for yapping so much LMAO. i have a lot to say

[y2kinnow]

here to ask u abt studio ghibli whats ur favourite movie 😋

OHMYGOD ILY TYSM

now i get to yap abt my favs 😼 you WILL regret asking me this 😋

HHAHAHAH OKAY LETS BEGIN

1. Whisper of the Heart

this one is my TOP fav movie. like not even from studio ghibli bro this is just my ALL TIME FAV. seiji and shizuku are so asjsejs goals!! and their dynamic is SO cute like ugh diabetes inducing😣💗

PLUS PLUS theyre the only trope i know of that navigates long distance the best. lately all the books and shows ive watched end with the BEST COUPLE with the BEST CHEMISTRY breaking up?? and its not even a very well thought out reason its just plain bad writing???? i will NEVER get over cisco and gypsy breaking up in the flash like it was just SO dumb (but thats another rant for another day hehe)

i LOVE the way theyve portrayed ambition and drive because on one hand seiji knows he loves this girl but he also knows that he must be successful so as to give her the best life possible. and shizuku doesnt want to ask him to stay because that would be depriving him of his ambition !! AND AND she wants to live out her own dreams just like him!!!! THATS SO GREEN FLAG BRO LIKE OMG?? GOALS

since movies could only be so long, hayao miyazaki couldnt show ALL of their development (at least thats what i like to believe) and their story mightve felt a little too fast paced/rushed but trust me it was 100% pure and very realistic

2. Ocean Waves

Okay now Ocean Waves is controversial... Many people, (and i mean MANY people) hate it for a bunch of different reasons. Mainly cs they think its not a very accurate representation of teenagers and its not "realistic" + "how could taku just straight up follow rikako to TOKYO" + "rikako was abusive" etc etc

BUT heres the thing: this movie was highly misunderstood. LEMME BE CLEAR THO- its not AMAZING or anything but to say it was subpar is an insult to the thought behind it. It is my interpretation that the thought trying to be conveyed here is that teenage!! is!! messy!!!!

youre supposed to make dumb mistakes and do stupid things and follow the wrong people and fall in love with said wrong people because youre still learning how to live!!! Ocean waves might not have been EXTREMELY accurate and even very very confusing (the ending literally left me grasping at straws icl) but thats just what the effect was intended to be XD teenagehood is messy and complicated and confusing for all parties involved. the "fairytale" effect can only take you so far yknow?

3. Only Yesterday

Icl, I loved Only Yesterday for the raw emotion it portrays. I have no idea if Taeko was neurodivergent or not. Imo, it just shows a confusing childhood and the many confusing emotions that come with it as baggage. it shows the struggles of trying to overcome all that you couldnt understand as a kid, and are still trying to understand as an adult- all while navigating a life you were seemingly never prepared for. I relate sm to it, and it just hits so close to home yknow? only yesterday is nostalgic sure, but thats only surface deep. it shows that even when youre an adult, your childhood troubles dont "magically disappear". you take them with you and learn to live with them more as luggage rather than baggage if ygwim

-------------------------------------------------------

these are the only studio ghibli movies ive watched up til now, im going to watch more HAHAH but not until im done with my exams which are in june 💔 so yeah trust theres going to be more yaps then but for now this was my very extra long rant on why i love studio ghibli 😋💗 TYSM FOR THE ASK LOVELY IT WAS SO FUN AND REFRESHING <333

[fake-ascension]

its so. fuckin hot today (and for the rest of the weekend) so ive been thinking and silvie + fontaine cast beach day :)

i already had a whole plot in my head that way before neuvi and silvie started their secret office romance that the fontaine cast have a private beach day (organized by furina ofc) and neuvillette begrudgingly gets dragged along

part of silvie's story it was always an expectation that she needed to be 100% pristine and professional appearance wise, including having to fully cover up any skin that her rash would appear on. And its been so ingrained into her to do this that even in hot weather she'd force herself to continue wearing her normal clothing so her skin wouldnt show

but sigewinne and wrio finally convince that its Worst for her sensitive skin to be covered all the time and that no one else there would judge her. and she! actually has fun for once in her life!! turns out she doesn't hate the hot weather as much as she thought she did. the warm sand and cool water feels really nice and her joints dont hurt nearly as bad in the warm weather

this is also the first time that silvie and neuvillette interact outside of work and he learns more about her interests and actually has a nice time as well

and this is the starting point for his interest in silvanus. he has no idea that hes developing feelings. now that he knows more about silvie's health issues he instinctively starts becoming hyper aware of silvie's work habits, especially since theres been many times he's found her working very late hours, half asleep at her desk and awkwardly tries to offer to walk her home late at night (since he also probably works late)

And then the night where an otter!neuvi accidentally sees an altercation between silvie and her parents. and he has a whole ass midlife(?) crisis reflecting on his position as the chief justice and if it was right or wrong not to step in during the altercation. and there he realizes he different emotional reactions to silvie compared to everyone else he's met (he still doesn't get that hes in Love. like. he knows about human sexuality and romance and courtship hes not stupid and 'uwu i dont know what sex is' he just doesnt know how he himself fits in with those experiences) but the vibes change almost immediately and furina + wrio can feel the protective/possessive energies coming off now

idk why i decdied to ramble abt this i was just thinking of beach day things and suddenly im on the floor crying abt wetrabbit again

[the-priestess-of-dawn]

thinking abt ur validar post because i actually thought about that a little in my stupid werewolf fic. I had to really sit down and be like "what the fuck would people even FIND attractive about this guy enough to have a baby" and I didnt wanna just use the occult angle and it hit me that Validar isn't self-caring because he hates he's not the vessel he wanted and yeah he definitely IS the equivalent of That Parent. You know the one. What I'm saying is maybe there's a commentary to be made here abt how the Plegian people and him in turn felt so dehumanized in general after a point even the extremist sects of Grimleal were better bc well, if you become food for Grima/BECOME Grima's body then you're useful and good and righteous. What gets me is Plegia isn't poor, either, but its poor in sustainability outside the ocean... idk, a lot of food for thought with Validar here. I didn't expect to think abt him in FEH so deeply but here we are.

Honestly it's kind of embarrassing how much I HAVE deeply thought about Validar. I've been wanting him to get into FEH for a long time now. A lot of his lines in Awakening are so poorly written that it's hard to make sense of him as a person. But even though you can't really argue that he's in any way sympathetic in the text... For me at least, there's no such thing as a completely unsympathetic villain, and I can't help feeling sorry for both him and the other members of the Grimleal...

I mean, yeah, when Aversa explains that Plegia suffering under Gangrel was useful because it drove the people to worship, I think we ARE supposed to feel bad for the common people. But I think it's easy to fall into a trap of trying to distinguish those ordinary citizens from the evil, manipulative leaders like Validar just a little bit too much. Aren't they all trapped in the same vicious cycle, in the end?

Over the course of the game, we occasionally fight some Grimleal enemies who are... really just nasty, and not supposed to be given a second thought at all. But I can't help but be moved that they call out to Grima with their dying words... "Master Grima... my life force... is yours..." (Chalard, Chapter 8). "Lord Grima... Rain down... retribution..." (Jamil, Paralogue 6).

The Grimleal... love Grima. Even Validar loves Grima. Aversa says he's everything she knows of love, but she also doesn't presume he loves HER, so of course it's his devotion to Grima that she sees. Notably, it's this form of love that makes her content to die for him.

So I end up feeling deeply moved, even though (or more accurately, BECAUSE) the entire philosophy behind the Grimleal is so horrific. The deep despair these people must feel in order to see salvation in the form of humanity's destruction... It's NOT just "hee hee powerful dragon will make me powerful" because these people, including Validar, do not presume that they are special and going to survive. Even the leader of the Grimleal is nothing. Grima alone is everything.

And... okay I talk a lot about the symbolism of Grima's name meaning mask, which I love so much, but lately I've also been thinking about the meaning of their Japanese name, Gimurei—from Norse, Gimlé, referring to the place where the righteous will dwell in happiness after Ragnarok, which will stand "even when both heaven and earth have passed away." So... yes, I do think that for the Grimleal, giving their souls to Grima is a way of becoming righteous. The world is cruel and ugly but Grima will make it right :::)

(Of course, because they believe Grima is the only answer, no one does anything to make the world they have any better. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. One that Grima is drawn into as well. When this is what they wake up to, what are they supposed to do? If they don't destroy the world, they will be letting a LOT of people down.)