#its just been getting bad abt stupid things lately

[asfdhgsdkjhgb]

sigh. babygirl the unhealthy coping skills fighting for the lead like it's the goddamn olympics in my brain tonite 😔

[fardf150]

fuck

[vamptastic]

i think my constant seething rage is honestly very reasonable. i literally live in florida.

[itsalwaysdark]

having a midlife crisis atm i think i might start reading [redacted] this is rly scary for me keep me in your thoughts

[arolesbianism]

Some Brute doodles plus a bonus Button

[angelyuji]

yandere superman headcanons

tw kidnapping, "nice" guys/incel behavior (kinda), isolation as punishment, manipulation, yandere stuff... the usual

yandere clark kent x gn!reader

diana prince is next guys I LOVE WOMEN!!! lemme know abt any tags i miss or just any other superman thoughts (yandere or not) cuz i love superman a lot

hes so big and buff and strong

hhnhsdngnnhnhnngnfhgnnngngn

sorry

ive been obsessed with superman and lois recently and i thought to myself “i need him so bad id do unspeakable things”

ALSOOOOOO have u guys seen the new superman??? ohmygodddd HELLOOO SAILOR

anyway here we go :)

sweetest kindest angel alive… at first glance

actual clark is genuinely the best sweetest guy in the world and i don’t think that would technically change but if anything he’d start buying into the incel/nice guy pills and that’s what would warp him

he’s literally sooo sweet to you (i cant get over how much a of cutie pie clark kent is)

ok pause lemme start from the beginning

when he first met you, he was e n a m o u r e d like he thinks youre the most beautiful person in the world type stuff

at first, the relationship is normal, you guys are friends, study buddies, coworkers, yk normal shit

he’s still super in love but hes kinda aware that its one-sided and he can’t make you like him

you guys are super close friends tho

but as his crush progresses, he starts to consult more than his friends and normal relationship advice, he starts to consult incel chatrooms and subreddits

he wants to go further than friendship with you, but all the guys in these chatrooms are telling him awful things abt u. for example:

‘hi! requesting help for getting out of the friendzone with my friend’ i’ve been friends with them for a long time, but i see them as more than a friend. ive had to watch as they date all these awful people and i just want them to see me more than a friend. any advice is appreciated!

– dude these ungrateful bitches are never gonna see u

– people like them never see the good guy until its too late

– u just gotta make them like u, nobody understands the nice guy until u make them

– all of these responses are so weird, just be normal and flirt a little!

ur stupid fuckign idiot nice guys don’t get a chance till u make them give u chance

women are so fucking stupid

reading all these “helpful” comments really warped his mindset

he went from innocent farm boy to incel misogynist becuz

they have to be right! like why else have u not given him the time of day as more than a friend

so soon, ur gonna notice these changes

he went from being supportive bestie to making snide comments, putting you down, making moves on you that you clearly don’t want

ur hurt, heartbroken, your friend became something unrecognizable

u’ll ask for some distance, just to think abt if u want to continue the friendship and clark will realize that he can’t make you like him from just this

so you’re gonna go home, take a nap, and next thing you know you’re getting snatched from bed by freaking superman

he genuinely believes he’s done the right thing

he’ll bring u to the fortress first. he has everything set up already, so u wont freeze or starve to death

i wont bore with the details but he would NEVER lay a hand on u

that’s NOT my superman

its more like

“i need you to eat something.” clark begs you, his eyes filled with worry. he had crouched down next to where you sat. clark had given you free-reign around his fortress, but you chose to sit in the corner near the entrance.

“fuck you.” you turn away from him, anger dripping from your voice. you haven’t eaten since he brought you to his ice castle, but you can’t remember how long ago that was. you missed home, your friends, your family. you missed freedom. you hear clark sigh.

“you’re gonna get sick if you keep going like this, (y/n).” his hand touches your face and you slap his hand away. you know there was no way you could hurt superman, but he holds his hand looking hurt, and you feel a twinge of guilt. he holds out a bag from Big Belly Burgers and places it next to you.

you scooch back, your back hitting the wall, not willing to back down. “i’ll eat if you let me go.” you feel like a child throwing a tantrum, but you would do anything to go home.

you see him rub his forehead in frustration, “this isn’t working.” he mutters to himself. you don’t say anything, wanting to see what he would do. instead of trying to fight you again, clark picks up the bag. “i’ll come back when you’re ready.” he says.

“come back? what are you talking ab-” in one blast of air, clark was gone and you were alone.

days had gone by, you felt like you were going crazy from the solitude and the hunger. thankfully, clark had left mountains of water bottles for you, so you tried to fill up with those. it wasn’t enough, you had started to miss your kidnapper’s company after many conversations with yourself. all you could do was sleep or stare at the wall, blankly. after a week, you couldn’t take the isolation. “clark?” you call out, weakly. not a moment passes before he appeared before you.

his eyes were filled with pity and worry, “are you ready, sweetheart?” his hands cup your face and you lean into the warmth, nodding.

he could never hurt you. that entire week away was killing him, but the commenters were right. you just needed to know that he was all you needed.

[ramblingidk]

I'll get shot for this but it's why I'm staying anon, it's funny being around antis as someone who just lurks as unlabelled and idgaf what ppl do, because I can say the exact same words abt why someone will proship but just replace the word proship with selfship,,, AND ITS THE EXACT SAME!!! THERE IS 0 REASON TO BEEF ON THIS STUFF, only reason I don't get "caught" is just saying "ew yeah I hate (insert group)" which I really don't and it sucks having to do sm bs to avoid life endangerment over a damn ship.

Genuinely I've lost friends over the harassment that antis do because they just can't be online anymore or literally kill themselves after about the 5th time they get doxxed.

Anti harassment goes both ways, but antis seem to act like they were cut first when someone bites back.

Also very real more ppl should be touching grass bc the biggest "proshippers" I've met have been irl or just regular ass people because no one circle jerks their superiority over shit that isn't real 🎉

I don't understand what the big deal is and why it is about fictional pairs. I remember when I was in the Undertale fandom back in the late 2010s there would be a TON of people shipping things like Frans, sansceet and so on. Yeah there were plenty of people saying it's bad and weird, but there was way, WAY less drama then before 2020 when normies flooded the internet. I do know there have been life endangering dramas even then about stupid things like a Frans artist or someone supposedly drawing Rose Quartz from SU "too thin", but I don't believe those issues were as big as nowadays. I wonder how things even got to this point...

I'm so sorry to hear about your friends. It's obvious, but no one should ever have to go through that. It's crazy to think that so many people out there are willing to leak someone's real life location (or in other words literally commit a crime) over things that most definitely don't harm anyone. Again, I wonder how it got to the point where that is normalized...

Yeah, a lot of antis seem to have a giant victim complex lmao. I never understood what's with them and actively infiltrating our community spaces after they specifically tell us to find or make our own, especially when they're an older age (15+). I'll never forget that I literally had a 26yo anti trying to argue with me (a minor) about proshippers in the self ship communit, can you imagine being an adult but still being an anti

And absolutely! Most of the time the proshippers are the normal ones living a good if not decent life. We touch grass and shower and are cool unlike these basement dweller gremlins who spend their time contributing nothing but damage to everyone 👍

[freedomfireflies]

hi, i saw that you’re accepting requests and i’d really think you’d be the best to write this if you can. so i’ve been watching a lot of greys anatomy lately and i’m always thinking of harry as a patient. so could you do like a greys anatomy resident reader x harry ou blurb where harry is famous and all that just his normal self and reader is a resident at seattle grace hospital. so maybe reader and harry are secretly dating or engaged and when harry gets hit in the eye with the skittles he goes to the hospital to get checked out and reader takes care of him extra carefully and dotes on him and maybe meredith and christina and lexie see them and start to put the pieces together and all of that? idk if this made any sense whatsoever but if it did i really hope you can write something abt it 🥰 (also sorry this was so long lol) also, could you use the season 5 greys cast but have it be set in 2022? ahhh sorry if it sounds stupid and confusing 🤣

“It’s her face. No, look at it. Right there, it’s doing that weird, red, splotchy thing—”

“She doesn’t have hives, Cristina, just give her the water bottle and she’ll be fine—”

“No, I’ve seen this before, this is bad. This is really, really bad.” Cristina extends her hand to grasp onto the bottom of your jaw and tilt your head up for examination. “Are you having trouble swallowing?”

You swallow. “Uh…no, but…Cristina, I’m fine, I just...I was just...I wasn't even—”

“Mhm. Incoherent thoughts, got it,” Christiana replies, nodding as she glances down at her chart. “What about your heart? Does it feel like it’s racing? Can you breathe? Do you feel flushed? Nauseated? Dizzy?”

“Cristina,” Meredith laughs, attempting to wrangle the woman away from you. “You’re scaring her.”

“Good. She should be scared. What we’re dealing with is terminal,” Cristina retorts, and your eyes widen. 

“I…I feel fine,” you try again, but Cristina’s inquisitive and invasive stare immediately returns to you, drilling right through your pupil.

“Tell me…have you ever heard of Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Syndrome?” she asks, in absolute all seriousness.

Meredith rolls her eyes while you blink.

“Uh…what?”

Cristina studies you carefully for a moment before nodding her chin at something just over your shoulder. “It’s quite deadly if not treated…immediately.”

“Cristina, what the hell are you talking about?” Meredith sighs, now moving to stand beside you.

“See, I thought I saw her exhibit some symptoms when we first wheeled him in,” Cristina begins to explain. “But I chalked it up to the side effects of celebrity sightings. The green eyes, the curly hair, the tattoos. You know, if you like that sort of thing.”

Shit. You swallow again.

“But then, her face started doing the same thing that it’s doing now,” she continues on, and you stumble over a shaky breath as Meredith turns to look at you. “So, I thought I’d keep her under observation…just to make sure she wasn't gonna keel over and die...and after a few tests, you wouldn’t believe what I discovered.”

Shit, shit, shit. She saw.

Meredith looks between you and Cristina now, desperate to be clued in. “Well?”

Cristina raises a brow at you, indicating the answer is yours to divulge.

But you can’t.

You promised.

“I…I was just trying to be nice to him,” you answer, the excuse burning its way out of your throat. “I thought he was probably…you know, nervous. Maybe a little overwhelmed—”

“Yeah, see, lying is also one of the symptoms of the disease,” Cristina interrupts. “Mhm, we lose millions of people a year to it.”

Torn between doubling down and just giving up, you look between them.

Then…you groan.

“Okay,” you huff as Cristina crosses her arms. “Fine. All right? You win. I’m fucking him. Happy?”

Meredith’s eyebrows just about fly up her forehead as she slips her hands into her coat pockets. “Oh.”

“Wow, look at that, you’re cured,” Cristina muses, tucking the chart under her arm. “Although, I can’t say the same for the raging case of stupidity.”

“Cristina,” Meredith scolds, but you simply shake your head with defeat.

“No, she’s right. I know better,” you concede, running a hand down the side of your face. “I just…when you said he was being brought in, I got worried something bad had happened, and I freaked out…and, I don’t know. I think I was just relieved to know he was okay.”

Cristina blinks. “Ew.”

With a smirk, Meredith shakes her head. “I think it’s cute.”

Cristina looks at her. “Ew.”

“Look, I promise it won’t happen again,” you finish as you meet Cristina’s eye, desperate to put this embarrassing afternoon behind you.

“Well, I would hope not,” Chrstina snorts. “Bailey would have an aneurysm, and then I would be stuck working with McDreamy all by myself, which is absolutely not happening—”

Suddenly, Meredith puts a hand on her friend's shoulder and begins to encourage her to step back. “You know, actually…Cristina and I have a few things we need to go do. All of a sudden, right now. So...would you mind going ahead and discharging the patient for us?”

Cristina looks at her, confused and unimpressed. “I’m sorry, what?”

In turn, Meredith shoots her an incredibly pointed look. “Yeah, you know…we’ve gotta do that thing.”

“What thing?”

“The thing—”

Cristina scoffs. “We don’t have a thing—”

“Yes, we do," Meredith insists. "The thing…with Alex…and the thing—”

“Okay, I’m sorry, did you hit your head? Or something? Because we don’t have a thing with Evil Spawn. Why on Earth would we have a thing with Evil Spawn? We never have things with Evil Spawn, that’s…I don’t even wanna imagine having a thing with Evil Spawn—”

“Cristina,” Meredith hisses until Cristina stops and looks at her.

“Oh.” She blinks, seeming to come to some sort of realization before she turns to you. “So...we have a thing. With Evil Spawn.”

Finally catching on to their attempt at discretion, you smile. “Right, okay. Well…good luck with your thing.”

“Yeah, thanks. Hey—” Cristina adds, just before Meredith can drag her down the hall. “No funny business. Okay? I don’t wanna come back and see something that’s gonna give me nightmares. Or a migraine. Or both.”

Flushing yet again, you nod quickly. “No, I wasn’t…we aren’t…that’s not—”

“Cristina,” Meredith tries for a third time with a defeated exhale. “Let’s go.”

“Fine. Fine.” Cristina steps back but not before offering you one last look of warning. “Seriously. I mean it, Junior.”

Your nose scrunches at the less than affectionate nickname before Meredith finally succeeds in dragging Cristina down the hall and out of sight. But you don’t miss Cristina’s comments that echo between the walls as they go. “God, it’s just gross. We were never like that. No, we were not. I mean, I don’t see the appeal. Does he sing when he comes? Is that, like…a thing? God, poor Lexipedia. She’s gonna be crushed—”

Despite yourself, you smile and exhale a relieved breath before turning on your heel to make your way for Harry’s room.

“—I loved it, I thought it was really sweet,” Lexie is saying as you walk through the door, smiling giddily at the man on the bed. “I mean, I’m…I’ve been keeping up with your tour. Not like…keeping up. Like, not in a creepy way or anything. I just…I saw. The posts. And…the stuff. You posted. And TikTok. The outfits and everything. Which I loved. And the album. I love the album. I tried showing it to my friend Mark. Well, he’s…I mean, he’s one of the doctors here. Mark Sloan? I don’t know if you��met him. He’s…yeah, he’s my friend. We’re friends. Just…just friends. Which is fine. I’m fine with it—”

You watch as Harry nods along with every unnecessary bit of information to spill from her mouth, grinning to yourself at his strained attempt to appear interested.

Which, to be fair, he probably is.

“—and he liked it, I think. He’s not really…you know, he doesn’t really get excited about a lot of things, but I think he liked it,” she says, sighing some before she seems to notice you out of her peripheral. “Oh! Hi. Sorry, I was just…I wanted to check in. See if he needed anything.”

“She’s been very sweet,” Harry adds, nodding his thanks to the excited woman now scrambling to her feet as she heads for the door. “I really appreciate it, Dr. Grey, thank you.”

“Oh, no problem. No problem…at all,” she beams, eyes falling down to the floor as if to hide the giddy expression on her face. “Yeah, so I’ll just…yeah. I’ll go. So nice to meet you, Mr. Styles. Sir. Mr…yeah. Okay. Bye.”

She forces herself from the room, quickly spinning around to race down the hall as you swallow a laugh and finally return your attention to the man in question.

He sits, perched on the edge of the small bed, a rather triumphant grin on his face.

Doing your best to remain professional, you pull a small light from your coat pocket and step up to him. “Okay, let’s see the damage.”

His lips press into a smug smile as you tilt his head back and dip down to examine his eye. You flick the flashlight back and forth across his pupil, searching for any signs of scratching or trauma as he waits patiently beneath you. 

“Looks good,” you muse quietly. “Does it hurt?”

He runs his tongue over his bottom lip. “No.”

“What is it you said hit you?”

The smirk deepens. “Uh…some sort of candy, I think. Maybe a Skittle?”

Surprised, you lean back, hand dropping to your side. “I—what? Who the fuck was throwing Skittle’s at you?”

He shrugs once, rather nonchalant about the whole affair. “They just get a little excited, I guess. Maybe they thought I needed a snack.”

You snort as you pocket the light. “You really need to start setting some ground rules if you’re gonna let people stand that close to you. Okay, this really could have done more permanent damage. You’re really lucky it seems to have only hit your eyelid, but if it had been any closer—”

Suddenly, his fingers are slipping around the backs of your thighs to sneak you closer to him, easily and effortlessly settling you between his legs as you swallow a gasp.

He gazes up at you adoringly, thumbs rubbing circles over your scrubs as you swallow. “What are you doing?”

“Just…trying to get better,” he responds, lashes batting innocently. “Is there a problem? Doctor?”

Your lids narrow. “Okay, very funny. You can let go now.”

“Yeah…no.”

“Harry—”

“What?”

You chew on the inside of your cheek and anxiously glance over your shoulder to make sure the coast is clear. “We had a deal—”

“Right, and we still do,” he agrees. “I’m just looking at you. S’not breaking any rules, is it?”

You huff yet again. “Patients don’t normally hold their doctor’s like this. Except the old, creepy, pervy ones.”

He exhales a laugh. “Fine. Do you want me to let go?”

No. God, no. Never. “Yes, before Bailey shows up, and fires me.”

He studies you for a moment before obliging and bringing his hands back to his own lap. “So…am I all good to go?”

Swallowing the disappointment creeping up the back of your throat, you nod once. “Yeah, everything looks good. Maybe wear some sunglasses next time you’re on stage, though.”

He nods as well. “Great, so…I’ll go, then.”

“Mhm.”

He stands as you step back to make room.

The room grows silent. Eerily silent as a hundred missed opportunities pass between you.

Then, he reaches for his jacket. “Thank you for everything, Doc.”

Why the fuck does this feel so wrong, you can’t help but ask yourself. “Yeah, no problem.”

You don’t want him to be upset at you. But there’s a reason you made this arrangement. A reason you decided to keep your relationship to sex only. No feelings, no getting personal, no obligations.

But even despite all of that…you still felt your heart ache when you saw his name on the board. When you’d heard the passing comment that Harry Styles was being rushed to the hospital for treatment. 

Your mind had run rampant with the worst possible explanations, and you’d had to slip into the bathroom to collect yourself before you burst into tears.

Today, it’s a Skittle to the eye.

But what if tomorrow…

He makes his way for the door as you look down at your sneakers, expression weaving into a grimace at everything you wish you could do and say to make this better.

You can’t ask him to stay. Can’t tell him how you really feel. Can’t give in to what he wants, especially not here.

All you can do…is let him go.

You hear him stop.

And your heart stops with him.

“So…I’ll see you tonight, right?” he calls, and you feel your chest tighten.

Tonight. You turn around. “Of course, why wouldn’t you?”

He leans against the doorframe, smiling some at your response. “Attagirl. Same time?”

“Sure.”

“Good.” He steps back. “Cause I have a feeling I’m not gonna be feeling so well.”

You fight a grin. “Oh, is that right?”

“Yeah, I’m…gosh, I’m just already feeling a little woozy,” he says, pretending to stumble back into the hall. “And…my mouth has gone dry, and my hands just feel…antsy.”

He’s terrible at this. Absolutely awful, and you snort as you watch him retreat backward. “Uh-huh.”

“So, I just…I’m really glad you do house calls,” he continues slyly. “Cause I’m really gonna need your expertise and care.”

You wave him off. “Okay, goodbye. Go away now.”

He chuckles as you continue shooing him toward the lobby. “So…you’ll be there, right?”

“Yes, Harry. I will be there.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

He comes to a screeching halt, nearly forcing you to crash into his chest as he thrusts his pinky into the air between you. “Swear it.”

You eye his hand closely, heart leaping into your throat. You will not fall in love with this man. You absolutely will not do it. You won’t. 

You intertwine your finger with his. “Swear.”

He beams proudly. “Good. I’ll see you tonight, Doc.”

You can say nothing as he turns around and heads down the hall, rounding the corner before disappearing from sight.

But you stand there. Hopelessly and so unbelievably fucked as the realization begins to settle atop your chest like an anvil.

Despite your best efforts, and your self control, and your desperate attempts at keeping it from happening...

You are in love with Harry fucking Styles.

And Cristina is gonna kill you.

~ Other Harry Blurbs

~ Full Masterlist

[paingoes]

Destroyer is afk

(Masterlist)

another sherbet colored update. i really love simulating internet speech in writing i think its so fun

(Content: death mention, past trauma, self loathing, comfort??)

=======================

no posts in a month its over

they got him omg </3

Did indy fucking die?

RIP INDY

ndhakdvsnnd: can you guys stop saying that im dead  ndhakdvsnnd: also no more leaks until further notice. stop asking.

sunspot: Hey you don’t have to talk to us if you don’t want to but can you please give us some indication you’re still alive? 

sunspot: We’re really worried.

katkittykat: omg look at this video :3

katkittykat: have u ever seen a shark move like that in all ur life that shit is so crazy

katkittykat: hey where have u been lololol

katkittykat: are u mad at me :c

katkittykat: if its somethin i did can we talk abt it ??? 

katkittykat: okk ur making me nervous 

katkittykat: OH SHIT UR BACK

katkittykat: WTF

ndhakdvsnnd: hey sorry 

katkittykat: bro where did u go!!!! D:

ndhakdvsnnd: had to travel somewhere i couldnt bring my laptop

katkittykat: im rlly glad ur ok! 

ndhakdvsnnd: do you want me to send you the next batch

katkittykat: uhh yea only if ur up to it. whenever ur ready :3c

ndhakdvsnnd: i can do it now

katkittykat: ty sweetness

katkittykat: sunny wants u to answer him lol hes having an aneurysm xD

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

ndhakdvsnnd: hi

sunspot: Hey! 

ndhakdvsnnd: kitty said you wanted to talk to me

sunspot: Yes I wanted to know if you were okay because we hadn’t heard from you in a while

ndhakdvsnnd: obviously

sunspot: ?

sunspot: Why is that obvious?

ndhakdvsnnd: how would i be typing if i wasnt okay

sunspot: That doesn’t even make sense ?

sunspot: I assumed if you were offline for a month it was because you were either upset or in danger

ndhakdvsnnd: maybe i just have a day job to worry about

sunspot: In that case it would’ve been nice to receive some kind of warning so we wouldnt think you were hurt 

ndhakdvsnnd: i didnt have time

sunspot: You didn’t have time to type one sentence?

ndhakdvsnnd: okay im sorry

sunspot: Look I’m not trying to lecture you Im just saying we were concerned and I wanted to make sure you were alright.

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

sunspot: Everything’s really okay then? Nothing happened?

ndhakdvsnnd: i dont want to talk about it

sunspot: Alright.

sunspot: You know we care about you right?

ndhakdvsnnd: i didnt send a warning because i didnt know i was leaving until the last minute i didnt go by choice

ndhakdvsnnd: thanks for attacking me over it as soon as i got back though 

sunspot: Does it seem like I’m attacking you? 

ndhakdvsnnd: yes kind of

sunspot: I’m sorry then. I didn’t mean to.

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

sunspot: Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?

ndhakdvsnnd: i am just sad okay i am already getting yelled at all the time  i dont need to get it from you too 

ndhakdvsnnd: sorry this is stupid ill shut up

sunspot: No it’s okay! If you’re upset you can tell me that’s what I was messaging you about in the first place I had the feeling something was wrong

ndhakdvsnnd: are you sure

sunspot: Yes positive

ndhakdvsnnd: i just dont like feeling like everyone is disappointed or mad at me all the time i dont know 

ndhakdvsnnd: it would be one thing if i deserved it but i dont know i have been really really trying lately and it doesnt work and it makes me feel bad

ndhakdvsnnd: but i kind of deserve to feel bad so i dont know 

ndhakdvsnnd: im tired

sunspot: Why do you think you deserve to feel bad?

ndhakdvsnnd: a lot of reasons 

sunspot: I don’t think you deserve it.

ndhakdvsnnd: you dont know me though

ndhakdvsnnd: you wouldnt like me if you knew me 

sunspot: Well what I do know about you now is that you are risking your life and sanity to provide us information to help people.

sunspot: Just based on that I don’t think you deserve to feel so bad about yourself.

sunspot: I think the people you’re around are probably really hard on you and its affecting the way you see yourself.

ndhakdvsnnd: im sorry

sunspot: Why are you saying that?

ndhakdvsnnd: i dont know

ndhakdvsnnd: is it okay if i go to bed now 

sunspot: Goodnight! We can talk later if you’re up for it?

ndhakdvsnnd: okay gn

[bulbabutt]

yooooooo all i do lately is vent vent vent uhhh

itsssss really annoying to feel traumatized over shit that doesnt actually matter at all but you cant feel like a person who functions cuz of it

like. mkay, few years ago i did a stupid thing which was uh. pre coming out but post taking testosterone tell this girl ('girl' she was older than me, im an adult but sos she) i that i was trans. then that i had a crush on her. like a fucking idiot, i was like 'girl pretty girl nice maybe i can finally have something'

and the thing was like. we had this lax fucking job that didnt matter, we were both basically running this shitty lil store nobody came in for the christmas season. and like i had admitted id never done anything, but i should have noticed it was gonna be weird quicker, cuz while she was understanding of like 'ok yeah youre a dude i get that' it was. hmm. it wasnt really like she felt like that, and she didnt notice so much that shit she would say hurt my feelings. like this was so unserious honestly, but uh the thing abt taking t in your mid 20s is youre like... right im... im going through a literal puberty and being stupid as a teenager. im bad with expressing my feelings normally cuz of that.

anyway. it was a fling really. it was stupid and shouldnt have happened, and it probably hurt me more than i thought, but she got like... jealous of one of the employees who id known from a prev job... who to me was like. literally a child (cuz like, id known her since she was) and that made me feel so weird, cuz i was like ?? why the hell would i be thinking about her like that i havent done ANYTHING that would make you think that. and hello i only said i liked you ? but then i guess the age gap was the same in her eyes and so that might have been why she thought that. but like pfft if youre ~25 dating a ~30 yr old its whatever thats normal. going the other way gets weirder ESP if uh. HELLO i was this kids boss?? that was so weird that she felt like that. i guess cuz i was just better at getting along w people younger than me, as someone who isnt a TRUE millennial, someone whos pop culture references lean gen z or whatever. idk i just know kids like my vibe for some reason. there was NEVER anything else going on i was just... being chill? but that was enough to cause jealousy.

but like yeah theres only so many 3 weeks in 'i dont think this is a good idea i think im bad for you' texts you can get before you just go 'yeah you know what i dont wanna do this anymore actually thats fine no hard feelings'

but i tend to be a person who just cant socialize with people for long periods of time, i ghost people a lot, i dont have a history of having friends i dont know how to maintain relationships, but also i really didnt want to at this point. i felt really gross about it and embarrassed for putting myself out there and admitting a secret about myself.

anyway next year rolls around and i see her at the next job season and she tells me she and another coworker found my tiktok page (cuz shit forcibly adding your contacts IS THE DEVIL) and uh. she had to explain to said coworker that i was trans. which. felt like shit. obviously. i was still not out.

anyway THAT person was a piece of shit who talked down to me and acted like i was terrible at my job and brought aLL the personal shit up as if i had ever trusted HER with any of it. like using my new chosen name in texts and shit to call me out for nothing. i had to give her a fucking 'excuse me, you dont get to call me that i never fucking told you that and its WEIRD that you think you get to call me that just cuz you invaded my privacy.'

she literally told both my bosses about all my private shit with this girl. like all that stupid bullshit about how we had dated and it didnt go well, she spread my private shit. and like... it all... ugh. like i got told by said bosses 'hey. none of what she said is important at all dont even worry about it.' and i really appreciated that. but that year was so bad for me, i felt like i was being watched like everything i did was being misconstrued. everything blew up so fast if there was something sma,, and it was 100% that person making it worse.

next year i just came out finally just was like. yeah alright. got a beard now, had my tits removed, might as well. and everyone was chill. personal beef spreading bitch didnt come back (the bosses were glad of that) shit was chill. was on friendly terms with "ex" being normal, never had any beef that year. was very much a 'the beef we had the previous year was this bitch egging her on'. i was partially running store. everything was fine i thought.

next year. as it turns out? was not asked to help run store that year. was very confused, there was a slot to fill that no one else could and i wasnt asked to do it. instead they had this absolute bigot who made everyone and i mean EVERYONE who worked there so uncomfortable, abusive language bigoted talk, wouldnt let people leave if they were sick ass piece of shit.. yeah he got the job. and everyone complained, but hes friends with the boss so whatever.

anyway reached my wits end. quit mid season. was fine, i was moving anyway, it was whatever.

you know why i wasnt asked to have that job? cuz the ex. for some reason without thinking, said 'yeah ill come back but i dont want him to be in charge after last year'. and she... never told me there was any problem. and that hurt me so bad. like talking to other people who were there, it all seemed like... okay, i was good at my job and would just.. act like a boss and not a friend sometimes. like be the guy going 'hey can you like. go do __ i need to count the till i dont have time to hear your funny joke rn'. and she took it personally. like its fine if youre sensitive to stuff, but i was under so much stress a lot and i dont always handle it well.

and that beef she had that she didnt tell me about turned into me losing a job, losing my sanity, feeling utterly betrayed and forcing everyone else who worked there to deal with the biggest pos as a boss with no repercussions. i heard from people post quitting i was being talked shit about by my prev bosses TO the employees. for the crime of... complaining about a bigot. who was misgendering me, being racist to other employees, making the teens feel unsafe to be around. like this was a SCREAMING old man kind of shit.

and all because the ex, initially, made a comment about not wanting me to be in charge. and i just... i really dont even know what i did. it was so underhanded. and when i asked her about it, she just said 'no i didnt say i WOULDNT work under you i just said i HOPED you wouldnt be in charge, and weeks later i asked why you werent in charge' but like??? no. you literally said something that cost me a job. you did. theres no taking that back, you didnt tell me any beef you had with me, you clearly equated job stress with personal stress. you cost me a job! YOU did that you set off a chain of events! and like i cant even begin to explain how much i helped her with shit at jobs. like i kind of took all the responsibility but we were both being paid the same. i would get called every day by her being confused by things while i was at home and help walk her through shit. it was fine, i was stressed but i was fine i never held it against her!

and she like. blew up that entire shit. that whole job i loved got blown up cuz i thought i trusted a person. like was it entirely her fault? obviously not. but that kind of shit.. it just hurt. the idea that i trusted her with my own shit years ago, then time and time again that blew up in my face until i just cant look back at any of it happily anymore makes me so upset. 8 years of a job i loved w a friend, and it all got ruined cuz i said 'hey by the way, im trans' and that spiralled into something stupid.

and i havent had a job since for SOOOOOOME REASON..... i sit at home doing fuck all cuz i cant stand the idea of being around anybody again. i dont trust anybody. i dont feel safe talking to people, being in public, having a job... its so stupid and i hate everything.

also the whole. got clocked and almost punched had my 6 ft brother not been standing near me at the time thing. so now i am uh. just completely agoraphobic.

anyway. sorry i am just in a bad place lately.

[kyosaya-enthusiast]

Crazy long personal rant auggh

I feel like there's nobody I can really talk to anymore,,

my friends at school play everything off as a joke and say I'm simply being a baby

But then it's difficult to open up with the people who I trust the most because I don't want to worry them either...????

I haven't been able to sleep or eat well. I'm constantly feeling guilty about so many things that I can't change even if I wanted to and now a whole group of my... frrrriieennndss... keep saying such nasty things to me, it SUCKS cuz I've been struggling to even look at myself in the mirror lately and them shaming me for the way I look and act is making it even worse???

This person who's basically a friend of a friend keeps punching me and trying to scratch me constantly (i have slight cuts and big bruises on me due to this)?!?!?!?!? they keep insulting everything about me and my connections because my friends decided to tell her my business... the fact that it's not even JUST her getting on my nerves this year. it's a whole group of people for both school days (since I switch schedules per day) is ughg.h.. SICK and tired of even being here, man

Nobody even likes ME for ME. Half of these people don't even remember my name they just shove papers in my face and make me do their work, or they'll start doing things that they know will bother by making fun of me and such

Genuinely feel so weak rn physically AND mentally.

It takes so much just to get out of bed now. I used to love going to school and everything, I've been a straight A student since FOREVER and now I'm struggling to even stay awake in class or to not cry as soon as I receive a test cuz ik I'll just make me mom angry at me too

For the sake of the few people who might actually care about me I try to not hurt myself in any way but it's so... uagfhhg it gets so bad that it jjst hurts to think abt anything.

Seriously just...SO ANNOYED AT EVERYTHINGGG I WANT OUTTTTTT I WANT OUTTTT I NEED I NEEDDDDD TO LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND GAHDHFHFHH

"Mar why have you been so weird recently its sorta annoying"

Hey so I'm trying to NOT die rn give me an hour to relax, take a deep breath, and then maybe I'll smile for you and laugh at your stupid fucking jokes made to mock me all day ok!!!

Myyyy bad, sorta tired im sleepy!!

Cluching pmmm content in my arms gahh only thing keeping me sane...

[zundamind]

wow, would you look at that! it's been a full ass year since you fucked me over! september 29th.... yeahh..... XD our fuck-you-versary! hi clifford!

in case you dont remember, the name piko might jog your mind. yeah thats me!! hellwo!! honestly you shouldve known better than to stick with your old username but hey props on you for changing it last minute! almost didnt find you for a second lolll!!

i wanted to drop in and say HEY! HELLO! HI! and give you some status updates :3

update one: i'm getting better!! no thanks to you, of course. and actually i should say we're getting better. yep! thats what happens when you suffer so bad your brain cant take suffering solo! XD

update two: while my mental health has been at an all time low ever since you fucking dropped me like a fucking ROCK, ive been getting over things lately! my clean streaks are now longer than a week! i no longer want to kms! im even making friends again!

update three: while both of the above statements are true, you still live in my mind rent free. i remember when i first stumbled across your blog a few months ago, i had a full on spiral! not anymore, though. i am STEEL, BABY! also you spinning in the mental microwave rent free is why i'm sending you this heartfelt ask!

man.... even when i try, i still find you somehow and its never intentional. like imagine scrolling the tptm tag only to be straight up jumpscared by your ex best friend's username! how embarrassing!

also i'm sorry but i have to say the reason(s) you left are sooo fucking stupid..... what, cus i was weird? come on. everyones a little weird. even a little deviantart weird. oh and because of some stupid opinions that shouldntve even mattered if you were actually a friend? get real, trey. what if i left your ass because you had a fuckin biting kink? that wouldve been funny actually. like making a sad callout post on twitter thats just "my friend left me because i wasnt vanilla enough!" XDDD

oh, and if you ever see your "stalker" again, assuming you're not thinking its me and that its actually your previous qpr or whatever the fuck, say hi! i find it funny as FUCK, since, you know, you were considering cyberstalking me at one point. and tell chaos i said hi too. i'd also mention mayu, but do you two even keep in touch anymore? probably not, considering the weird things she's done.

anyways thats the end of my relay. if you dont want these kinds of asks again, i suggest either turning asks off or just straight up deleting your tumblr and/or making another one that is NOT connected to any username youve used in the past, because in that case i'll just find your ass again lmaooo. remember! every year on this day will be the day i remind you that you are NOT allowed to stay sane X3

sincerely, your most hated, piko. (i hardly use my old blog anymore, so have fun finding my current blog! and do what you want with this ask, make a callout post, scream into the ethers, reply to it, idc.)

this should stay private but idc

i know what i did was wrong piko! i was 12-13.

dont take this as me excusing myself. i had horrible emotional regulation back then, ive healed from everything back there. you dont deserve to be called out because ur like. 14-15.

do not bring mayu or chaos into this,weve all healed and forgot abt you.

i overreacted bc of very worthless things because i was basically obsessed witj you, you were my fp, if you didnt know.

completely forgot you even existed, i havent been checking your profiles at all in months. you shouldnt either, please forget about me. you'll drive yourself crazy.,

if you think im going to "cancel" you, no im not. for your sake, please dont interact with me anymore. i apologize for how i acted over stupid things, but we were both young and idiotic. im also a system, i dont even remember half of the things you did bc of that.

move on. ive moved on, weve all moved on.

dont bother yourself with me, you dont need to.

[enlighten3d]

Hi sorry I know this might be really personal and you obviously don't have to answer if you don't want to but you post a lot about being aroace and I've been thinking about that for myself kind of a lot lately and was just wondering how you know for sure that that's what you are as opposed to not having found the right person yet kind of thing that people always tell you.

Again sorry personal absolutely don't feel pressured.

mmmm okay so! idm answering this, im happy to help (: but for claritys sake: i am asexual by definition, but i dont indentify as such! i only id as aromantic bcs thats the only indentity that actually feels important and like a part of me. might not make any sense but whatever lol

how i knew that im aro? i just. found the label, and was like, 'sure, why not.' and it stuck. its... for the difference between being aro and not having found the right person yet, its that, well. okay, so what if youre not actually aro? you do meet someone you love romantically even after youve ided as aro for years? cool, whatever, you can keep the aro label, or change it. or you never do fall in love romantically, and dont need to do anth abt the label.

what im saying is... mm okay label is a misnomer. i once heard someone say that labels are more akin to fridge magnets - you stick them on, and maybe they stay and you like how they look and make you happy. or maybe you stick them on and they look bad and you dont like them so you take them down. or maybe you stick them on and you like them for a while, but it starts feeling wrong eventually, so you take them down. labels - like magnets - arent permanent.

its impossible to really, truly, make a mistake in finding a label that explains your experiences. even if its wrong, there was smth that felt right abt it at that time. its a part of your journey. we, as people, are ever-changing - its literally impossible to know what will happen tomorrow, nevermind in a few years (sorry the isat reference is mostly unintentional).

so how did i know? i stuck the aro magnet on. and i like how it looks for now, maybe forever. maybe ill find the 'right one' or whatever, or maybe i wont. if i do, then whatever, down goes the magnet. if i dont (and i dont think i will, for the record! i dont have any Reasoning, its just... okay ill explain this next paragraph), then up there it stays. youre free to say youre aro for now and then change it if it ever changes. theres nothing stopping you, nonnie

as for yeah, whatever vague wording i can give to my reasoning, its... standard stuff, sorry. ive never understood romance? i think its completely fucking unnecessary and overrated. stupid, even. i straightup Do Not Get It. i forced myself to say i have a crush on a guy in gr4 bcs everyone else was talking abt crushes. decided i was romantically attracted to this girl in dance class bcs i liked her vibes. trying to conform to actually wanting romance when i just dont. dated this girl in gr8, and then when we broke up (i am bad at communication and unfortunately incredibly fucking clingy), i was like... 'huh, i didnt really feel that different about her than i did abt any of my other friends'. i just really really cared abt her and wanted to be close w her, and the only way i knew how to do that was 'romance'. but that wasnt it. found out abt aro ppl (forget how; memory is Trash), and was like 'oh damn, thats... that makes sense'. i definitely had a crisis and Logic but i do not remember that, sorry. all of this is pieced together from old text messages and half-remembered memories hajdjdzkzos

imo the concept of a 'right one' is pretty damn fucking stupid (/nay; at Society). 8 billion ppl on earth. im not going to find this hypothetical right one who can change absolutely everything about me and my identity. ive got the ppl around me that i already love. im happy w that. chasing after some hypothetical infinitesimal chance of a person whos Perfect for oneself is just a damn waste of time

so just... these decisions dont have to be permanent, nonnie. youre allowed to be wrong and realise that you werent actually aroace. youre allowed to be wrong. so if you want my advice? say youre aroace. stick the magnet on, see if it falls off or not. its still a valid and valuable part of your journey. youre allowed to be wrong. youre always allowed to be wrong.

i mean, afterall, how can one be sure that they ARE allo? that they WILL find that 'right one'? through experience. so fuck around, find out. stick that magnet on.

good luck (: i rly rly hope this is helpful and not just me repeating what youve already heard, sry for yapping so much LMAO. i have a lot to say

[narzissenkreuz-ordo]

its so. fuckin hot today (and for the rest of the weekend) so ive been thinking and silvie + fontaine cast beach day :)

i already had a whole plot in my head that way before neuvi and silvie started their secret office romance that the fontaine cast have a private beach day (organized by furina ofc) and neuvillette begrudgingly gets dragged along

part of silvie's story it was always an expectation that she needed to be 100% pristine and professional appearance wise, including having to fully cover up any skin that her rash would appear on. And its been so ingrained into her to do this that even in hot weather she'd force herself to continue wearing her normal clothing so her skin wouldnt show

but sigewinne and wrio finally convince that its Worst for her sensitive skin to be covered all the time and that no one else there would judge her. and she! actually has fun for once in her life!! turns out she doesn't hate the hot weather as much as she thought she did. the warm sand and cool water feels really nice and her joints dont hurt nearly as bad in the warm weather

this is also the first time that silvie and neuvillette interact outside of work and he learns more about her interests and actually has a nice time as well

and this is the starting point for his interest in silvanus. he has no idea that hes developing feelings. now that he knows more about silvie's health issues he instinctively starts becoming hyper aware of silvie's work habits, especially since theres been many times he's found her working very late hours, half asleep at her desk and awkwardly tries to offer to walk her home late at night (since he also probably works late)

And then the night where an otter!neuvi accidentally sees an altercation between silvie and her parents. and he has a whole ass midlife(?) crisis reflecting on his position as the chief justice and if it was right or wrong not to step in during the altercation. and there he realizes he different emotional reactions to silvie compared to everyone else he's met (he still doesn't get that hes in Love. like. he knows about human sexuality and romance and courtship hes not stupid and 'uwu i dont know what sex is' he just doesnt know how he himself fits in with those experiences) but the vibes change almost immediately and furina + wrio can feel the protective/possessive energies coming off now

idk why i decdied to ramble abt this i was just thinking of beach day things and suddenly im on the floor crying abt wetrabbit again

[itsalwaysdark]

i unlocked a new voice earlier btw but i cant do it that much bc it requires me to be nervously laughing and breathing very heavily and it had me gasping for breath for like 30 minutes

[the-priestess-of-dawn]

thinking abt ur validar post because i actually thought about that a little in my stupid werewolf fic. I had to really sit down and be like "what the fuck would people even FIND attractive about this guy enough to have a baby" and I didnt wanna just use the occult angle and it hit me that Validar isn't self-caring because he hates he's not the vessel he wanted and yeah he definitely IS the equivalent of That Parent. You know the one. What I'm saying is maybe there's a commentary to be made here abt how the Plegian people and him in turn felt so dehumanized in general after a point even the extremist sects of Grimleal were better bc well, if you become food for Grima/BECOME Grima's body then you're useful and good and righteous. What gets me is Plegia isn't poor, either, but its poor in sustainability outside the ocean... idk, a lot of food for thought with Validar here. I didn't expect to think abt him in FEH so deeply but here we are.

Honestly it's kind of embarrassing how much I HAVE deeply thought about Validar. I've been wanting him to get into FEH for a long time now. A lot of his lines in Awakening are so poorly written that it's hard to make sense of him as a person. But even though you can't really argue that he's in any way sympathetic in the text... For me at least, there's no such thing as a completely unsympathetic villain, and I can't help feeling sorry for both him and the other members of the Grimleal...

I mean, yeah, when Aversa explains that Plegia suffering under Gangrel was useful because it drove the people to worship, I think we ARE supposed to feel bad for the common people. But I think it's easy to fall into a trap of trying to distinguish those ordinary citizens from the evil, manipulative leaders like Validar just a little bit too much. Aren't they all trapped in the same vicious cycle, in the end?

Over the course of the game, we occasionally fight some Grimleal enemies who are... really just nasty, and not supposed to be given a second thought at all. But I can't help but be moved that they call out to Grima with their dying words... "Master Grima... my life force... is yours..." (Chalard, Chapter 8). "Lord Grima... Rain down... retribution..." (Jamil, Paralogue 6).

The Grimleal... love Grima. Even Validar loves Grima. Aversa says he's everything she knows of love, but she also doesn't presume he loves HER, so of course it's his devotion to Grima that she sees. Notably, it's this form of love that makes her content to die for him.

So I end up feeling deeply moved, even though (or more accurately, BECAUSE) the entire philosophy behind the Grimleal is so horrific. The deep despair these people must feel in order to see salvation in the form of humanity's destruction... It's NOT just "hee hee powerful dragon will make me powerful" because these people, including Validar, do not presume that they are special and going to survive. Even the leader of the Grimleal is nothing. Grima alone is everything.

And... okay I talk a lot about the symbolism of Grima's name meaning mask, which I love so much, but lately I've also been thinking about the meaning of their Japanese name, Gimurei—from Norse, Gimlé, referring to the place where the righteous will dwell in happiness after Ragnarok, which will stand "even when both heaven and earth have passed away." So... yes, I do think that for the Grimleal, giving their souls to Grima is a way of becoming righteous. The world is cruel and ugly but Grima will make it right :::)

(Of course, because they believe Grima is the only answer, no one does anything to make the world they have any better. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. One that Grima is drawn into as well. When this is what they wake up to, what are they supposed to do? If they don't destroy the world, they will be letting a LOT of people down.)