#its hard w depression but ill manage like ill work 15 hours a week and do a summer class and ill be ok

[mainfaggot]

Being jobless at 19 feels embarrassing

[badbitchwhomeditates]

Who the fuck is this bitch?!

Read that again. 

The answer is complex, not simple, which is what complex means you dumb fuck ( beep language kiddo). Ok, lets try that again...

Bad Bitch Who Meditates, a 23 year old singer with dreams bigger than the world itself, which is both a good and a bad thing, we will get to the importance of duality later. Either way she´s been struck by lightning and pushed into a corner loads of times in an industry where you have to fight to be heard and seen through the smallest of cracks. And yes I might also speak about myself in third person a lot, simply because I'm practicing being the main character from all perspectives, telling my story but also making everyday feel like an adventurous movie ( therefore the narrator vibes help).

Complaining, complaning, victim mindset bla bla bla you might think, im not gonna bore you, you know that things can be quite shit and you’ve probably heard about the `struggling artist” and all of that before. 

 Lets spread some more negativity shall we ey? 

Maybe not that either, im just welcoming you in to my brain and my stream of consciousness on the journey of becoming or remaining? we shall see.

Im not gonna be here being all fairy lights and glitter in my eyes either, I am tho some days, but lately I’ve been bad, not a bitch cause I would never, slightly a bitch towards myself and I haven’t really done my meditation, its like the second I put down ” bad bitch who meditates, thats my slogan” in a song, I was like, cool its in a tune now so I’ve done the work I can relax. 

Nope, it doesn’t stop. 

Consistency in self care, healthy habits and your mental diet, the way you speak to yourself, it doesn’t stop. And its fkn annoying sometimes, especially when your chemical imbalance is so imbalanced that you don’t wanna get out of bed. Ive probably dealed with anxiety and depression since my debut on X-factor, oh yeah shit sorry, I have a name too, Im Awa and I won X-factor Sweden at 15 years old, completely changed my life like a marriage, for better or for worse. In that marriage I found myself, lost myself and now im kind of finding myself again...

Ok this is the part below where you get to knoooow me or something...

 I guess why I wanted to start blogging again is A) I need to hold myself accountable to remain consistent with my glow up, cause I can proudly say I’ve really done some amazing progress and inner work B) I need to continue doing that and find my healthy balance and not put too much pressure on myself, ya get me? C) maybe help take away the stigma regarding mental health, and I wanna focus on the solutions, thats my whole new life concept 10 % problems, 90 % solutions, like if we are discussing something thats the ratio. Cause how can we ever see a solution if we go slow dancing w the problem for ages? 

 I know it can feel fkn amazing and cozy, like when you’ve been in bed w someone thats clearly not good for your heartstrings but you stay there anyway because for right now it feels all warm and fuzzy. 

Oh silly girl, I mean forgiveness, forgiving other people and forgiving myself that is def something we are going to have to discuss as well, its one of the things I’ve tried to commit to this year. Ive come to the conclusion that its harder forgiving yourself after being too nice, theres only so much space on the scale for resentment, but you go to bed with you all the time and you beat yourself up on why you allowed that to happen? (Did that make any sense??) 

Again, another lesson, feedback that we can grow from. Mind management, one of my fav terms, mind over matter. Damn sure that can feel extremely provocative said in the wrong situation. Im gonna be honest on here, ill make an oath or whatever its called ( oh yeah im also Swedish so we will have communication problems here and there, but whatever, I call that acceptance) ill be honest, personal but not private cause I need to protect my energy. 

I would declare myself a self care queen but babe writing this, I just had a massive argument w my friend, that made me sad ( oh im a cry baby too, thats even the title of my EP lol), I hate conflict but im really trying so hard to stand up for myself and understand that my feelings are valid too and that uncomfortable situations are growing pains for our souls. I had my first panic attack in ages because this year is just shit and things that I’ve worked on for so long just crumbled down in front of me and I just felt like I was again taking two steps forward and one step back but at least we are moving. 

Im not all sad, I’ve rightfully so have had a few bad 72 hours I would say, I don’t like this time of the year that much.  But I know why, because I've been slacking w my routines, the ones we´ve carefully selected through trial and error inna real life and w my therapist ( she's real too but you get what im sayin) , it's ok not to be ok either but we have to put some kind of time limit on it so we don't sink into that deep hole again, i don't wanna go back there and I know what keeps me with my head above water and sometimes even frkn flying. We wanna stay consistent w the flying, that feels good, that's a goal now ok? Cause I used to fall into that trap of the deep hole until the pain of the known got far greater than the fear of the unknown. 

Im happy we are here today, because as I said 10/90, nothing last forever, good or bad, which is comforting. Things will get better and we hold so much more power in our minds and souls than we realize that ultimately will mirror how we experience life. So im going to be on here, at least once a week, my therapist tells me not to set up crazy goals that I know I might not do because then it will make me feel shit etc so once a week feels reasonable.

 Im open to suggestions about what we can chat about, ill share my 10/90, I want my clever friends to maybe drop a quote or blog here and there, Im good on camera, like vlogs or some shit. I probably wont bring you around all the time cause I don’t have the technological brain cells for that to be very honest with you. Maybe ill just come up with cute formats to the camera, thats a word you are going to hear a lot, ”format”, I have a concierge business w my friend Amy on the side of my music career called ” Pure Intuition”, basically we create events, formats and campaigns for brands and make them come true with the right profile etc and we create FORMATS, but if you missed it or if I was unclear Im a super cool singer signed to Columbia UK which was my childhood dream, so we are going to make Columbia our BITCH in 2021 hihi <3 <3. I studied economic entrepreneurship in college and im very business savvy, I love creating formats lol. Im slowly but surely building my fempire. What else, boys, I like boys, men, cute ” god spent some extra time on you”- looking boys, I mean men. I guess we will touch on that in the most anonymous manner, maybe ill just share some past flings cause you know, they’re in the past, passé. So yeah who the fuck is this bitch? you will find out alongside me, myself and I

get ready for the ride

love and light,

badbitchwhomeditates 

[joseph-joestar-plz-twerk-4-me]

eyy i was tagged by @lancekoganee, @lovelylangst, and @fictionismynationality for the 92 truths thing so here it issss

LAST… [1] drink: dr pepper [2] phone call: uh well the last like 5 people to call me were spam numbers but the last i actually talked on was with my sister [3] text message: bff callie [4] song you listened to: just one yesterday by fall out boy [5] time you cried: a few hours ago when i remembered my characters name in the demi episode game that i played a year and a half ago was “whipe dat azz”

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: unfortunately yes [7] been cheated on: no [8] kissed someone and regretted it: no [9] lost someone special: ?? im not sure bc there’s a lot of people who used to be special but the friendship either imploded or slowly died sooo [10] been depressed: no [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no lol i am rather pure for my age lmao

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS: [12] dark green [13] pastel pink [14] that blue that looks really good in velvet

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yeah! [16] fallen out of love: yes? im not sure if it was love to begin w sooo [17] laughed until you cried: bruh i did like 3 hours ago lol [18] found out someone was talking about you: yeah apparently im “famous” at best buy bc my coworker (who also works there) was telling his coworkers about shenanigans him and i get into  [19] met someone who changed you: yee [20] found out who your true friends are: yeah. ive cut out a lot of people but its for the better [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: not currently lol (my current bf isnt my friend on facebook lmao)

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them tbh, but i need to go through and clean out my friends list [23] do you have any pets: 3 cats and a doggo [24] do you want to change your name: nah but a nickname would be cool [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i didnt work  i saw Fantastic Beasts in the morn and had lunch w my bf, then hung out w my friends and had dinner w them and the fam, went home and played sims [26] what time did you wake up: 7-730ish am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: coming home from work/starting precal hw [28] name something you cannot wait for: obviously voltron season 3 but i also want to jsut get thru the next few weeks bc work is going to be a   n i g h t m a r e  and i want my suffering to be over asap [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 2 hours ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: honestly i would go back in time and tell little middle school me to try out for region (bc i honestly believe if i had just had a year or two more expirience auditioning, then i wouldve made the all state choir) and then go to junior yr me and say “stop being an angry ho and   c a l m   d o w n   . i wish i could go back a year from today and tell myself that the management position is not worth it. to find another job while i can. (however, i use my job as motivation to do well in school: “do well, keep up my gpa, get my degree. i dont want to be at the movie theater forever”) [31] what are you listening to right now: my klance playlist (death of a bachelor is currently playing) [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: ive talked to a tommy and someone whos last name is toms [33] something that is getting on your nerves: anything customer related/ “can an available manager come to the stand for an employee purchase” [34] most visited website: college homepage, math hw website, tumblr, gmail, netflix (recently made my friend watch voltron every MWF after out speech class lol) [35] elementary: my awkward acne/glasses/pre-braces/braces phase. also i wore training bras for 3 yrs bc i was so uncomfortable w my boobs that i couldnt tell my mom i needed an actual bra [36] high school: i can look at pictures and tell by my smile where i lost my childish innocence (halfway thru junior yr)  [37] college: community rn, but i plan on transfering to tamu and getting at least a bachelors in environmental science. i have to research into carriers to see if a masters/phd is worth it, but that is something im interested in [38] hair color: blonde when clean [39] long or short hair: the question of the century. i look good w a lob, but i also love braiding hair sooo [40] do you have a crush on someone: i mean i have a crush on my bf lance [41] what do you like about yourself: i guess im funny. i can sing the whole danny phantom theme song  [42] piercings: triples in each ear, helix and double forward helix in my right ear (planning on getting a faux snug in my left ear eventually. id like a nose ring, but work wont let me. i maybe want a belly button ring, if i decide to work out for it lol as if) [43]blood type: i dunno, but looking at it makes me queasy so [44] nickname: maycakers, big titty t, mak [45] relationship status: long term relationship (idk how many months now but its over 2 yrs so) [46] zodiac sign: scorpio [47] pronouns: she/her.  [48] fav tv show: voltron, avatar the last airbender (im laughing i typed “airbeder” at firs), the office, drake and josh [49] tattoos: never (ill stick w piercings) [50] right or left hand: right 

FIRST… [51] surgery: does having a wart dug out of my toe count [52] piercing: the standard single pair when i was 6 [53] best friend: aaliyah but once we got to middle school we didnt have classes together and i didnt see her much in highschool (i heard about her bc she broke a lot of sports records. shes gonna be an olympian in 2020 y’all. i can feel it) [54] sport: does drill team count [55] vacation: we went to the state capitol w my grandparents  [56] pair of trainers: wtf are trainers

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing bc my stomach is currently revolting [58] drinking: grape powerade [59] i’m about to: take a nap gd im tired [60] listening to: euphoria by loreen [61] waiting for: sleep to take me [62] want: my period back ache to stop [63] get married: i want to get married so bad i want to be super domestic and have a bb and that kid is gonna recycle EVERYTHING and i will love them [64] career: ecologist? environmental researcher? environmental biologist? agricultural reformer? idk i just want to do something w the environment 

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs  [66] lips or eyes: eyes are pretty [67] shorter or taller: taller bc then ur head is in their chest when u hug. or u have to get on tippy toes to kiss. yes. [68] older or younger: older older older [70] nice arms or nice stomach: yknow stomaches are nice and all but u cant see them bc shirts. u can see arms tho ohmy [71] sensitive or loud: idk im loud so  [72] hook up or relationship: relationship ftw. hook ups sound...really gross to me (my ace ass cant fathom hookups lol) [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? ew no [75] drank hard liquor? the only thing ive ever drank ever is a shot of cherry sake (i spit that back out it was gross) and a shot of goldschlager (which cleared sinuses i didnt know i had and made me reaaaalllly giggly) [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? lmao all the time [77] turned someone down: yeah  [78] sex on first date? no [79] broken someone’s heart? yes  [80] had your own heart broken? not really? i felt sad both times i broke up w my ex but i knew it was for the best [81] been arrested? no but ive had someone threaten me w calling the cops [82] cried when someone died? my granny, cat, hamster [83] fallen for a friend? i mean my bf was my friend before we dated so i guess

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? tbh i am super confident in my schoolwork and just... not at all at work [85] miracles? yeah but sometimes they fail me [86] love at first sight? no  [87] Santa Claus? rip [88] kiss on the first date? ehhh [89] angels? maybe

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: CALLIE [91] eye color: blue [92] favorite movie: oh fuq i love tangled and anastasia 

i dont know 20 people or whatever so imma tag @pierce-the-llama, @marcoandthebodts (you sent me one of these like 55245 years ago and i shall do it now lol), @connors-sweet-ass, and @justklance if y’all want to