#its crazy how ‘at home’ i felt at their show compared to the other concerts ive been to this year

[throwbacktears]

anyway

with me back on my 5sos wagon, im just really glad i didnt get rid of my old tour programs and my slfl shirt

[lilyeholland]

Before It’s Too Late.

[Reggie Peters x Reader] PART ONE - PART TWO 

Summary: Y/N is Reggie’s complicated love interest from the 90′s and is trying to figure out where she stands with Reggie before him and his band make it big by playing at the Orpheum. *only semi based off of Stranger by Jeremy Shada -GO STREAM MAD LOVE!!!*

Word Count: 1.1k

Warnings: Maybe like 1 swear word, and like anticipated angst???

A/N: It’s been a looooooonnngg time since I’ve written fanfic - I used to write for Tom Holland, Peter Parker and Harrison Osterfield lol but I think those days are way behind me. I miss writing so much, I decided to try it out with my new obsession; Julie and the Phantoms. Please like, reblog, and share with friends if you like it!!! 

As far as high school relationships go, your relationship with Reggie was as complicated and confusing as they get. He’s a natural flirt - a charmer, and a performer - so it never really surprised you that you never became official and exclusive, although it definitely that way at times. For instance, Reg would invite you to band practice just to watch them rehearse, telling the boys to “play their very best because Y/N’s coming and I don’t want her to think we suck”. And during said practice, he’d go extra hard with extra hair flips and bass riffs, the occasional wink making it across the room to you. 

And of course, you can’t forget that one time Reggie turned into a true cliché Romeo-type, throwing rocks at your window at 2am, begging you to sneak down with him and go somewhere. 

“Reginald Peters!” you whisper-shouted at him from your window on the top floor of your house. “Are you crazy?”

“Maybe a little bit,” he chuckled at his own comment. “Get dressed, I wanna take you somewhere.” He smirked at you and held his bottom lip between his teeth for a few moments as he watched you from your driveway. 

“Oh, you’re definitely insane,” you said softly as you rolled your eyes, earning another small laugh from Reggie. You stepped out of the window frame and back into your room to grab a pair of pants and a coat. “I’ll be down in a second.” You said before shutting your window and slowly, steadily creeping down the stairs of your house and through your front door. 

Reggie had waited patiently for you, tapping his foot and humming tunes of his own songs. His eyes lit up as soon as he met yours face to face at the same level. The first thing he did was hold out his hand for you to grab - how could you NOT be exclusive when he looked at you like that? 

He began to run down the street towards his dad’s parked pick-up truck (smart boy for not parking in front of your house). “Where are we going?” you asked as he helped you into the vehicle. No reply, just a sly little smirk and then you were off. 

You made it to your final destination where Reggie made you cover your eyes to surprise. “Keep your eyes closed!” he warned you as he parked the car again and got out to let you out on the passenger’s side.

“Reg, I know we’re at the beach. I can hear the waves.” You opened your eyes to find him beside you, looking up with puppy eyes. 

“Dang it,” the excited gleam left his eyes, but the puppy-effect remained. “You still don’t know what we’re doing!” It’s like his ears perked up as he said this. This boy really is comparable to a dog. 

It wasn’t like he had this big romantic gesture planned out, he just brought a beach blanket and a guitar. It turned out you didn’t really need the guitar, just the blanket to lay under the two of you as you looked up at the clear sky and star-gazed. As the early morning grew later, you had moved closer and closer to him, eventually resting your head on his chest and soaking up the syncopated breaths and heart beats of his. The warm fuzzy feeling that had already taken its place in your chest spread to your whole body as he kissed the top of your head and whispered, “thank you for coming here with me.”

“Of course,” you whispered back to him, being grateful that he couldn’t see your embarrassingly rosy cheeks. 

He took a deep breath before sitting up. “Did I tell you we’re playing the Orpheum in a couple weeks?” He was totally playing it cool, leaning back into his hands and staring off into the sea. 

“No!” you exclaimed and sat up on your knees even taller than him. “Reggie! That’s amazing! You’re literally gonna be legit rockstars!” You almost melted into a puddle at the way he smiled at you while you say this. 

“Right?! That’s exactly what I said!” he matched your energy with his excitement.

“Oh man, the Orpheum...!” you repeated, “I so wish I could come.”

“I’ll try and work something out,” he licked his lips, “I really want you to be there.”

It’s almost like his voice cracked while saying that last part, but you couldn’t be entirely sure. 

“I wanna be there, too.” Both of your voices had gotten quieter and your gaze had traveled down each other’s faces a couple inches to find each other’s lips. 

You leaned into each other fast, but slowed down as soon as you felt his breath on you. Sinking his behind your ear, he nudged your nose with his, signaling that he was ready to kiss when you were. Only centimeters away, a shout from the distance knocked you both to your feet. 

“Hey, you kids!! What are you doing out this late?! The beach is closed!! Go home!!” The figure the voice came from starting moving closer towards you. 

“Oh shit,” Reggie said under his breath through a laugh. “Go, go, go, go!” he grabbed the blanket and started dragging you by your hand towards his car. Moments of belly-aching laughter passed by before you knew the night was over.

Needless to say, even after moments like that, you and Reggie had never had “the talk” about where you stand with each other. After psychoanalyzing and overthinking the situation, you had come up with the conclusion that Reggie was just afraid of commitment. Growing up with parents who rushed into marriage just because they had gotten pregnant, he had become terribly afraid of moving too fast with someone ending up unhappy and fighting like they were. He didn’t want to end up like his parents, which is why he remained his same flirty, flamboyant self at school and with his friends. 

You had formulated a plan to tell him how you really felt about him - showing up to the show at the Orpheum early to meet him at the backstage doors, hand him a letter and a quick, yet meaningful kiss on the cheek and tell him you’ll be in there cheering him on the loudest. However, that plan kind of fell through as you found out getting tickets to an exclusive Hollywood concert hall was incredibly difficult and expensive. 

You didn’t give up, though. You and Reggie always found a way to each other no matter how hard the path was. To no surprise, you were able to say the things you wanted to say to him before it was too late...

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT A PART TWO!!!!!

[ifuckinglovestvincent]

St Vincent: “Pour a Drink, Smoke a Joint... That’s the Vibe”

Ding dong! Daddy's Home

By Johnny Davis

19/03/2021

Annie Clark, known professionally as St Vincent, picked up a guitar aged 12 after being inspired by Jimi Hendrix. During her teens she worked as a roadie and later tour manager for her aunt and uncle, the jazz duo Tuck & Patti. Originally from Oklahoma, she moved to Dallas, Texas when she was seven and later attended the Berklee College of Music in Boston, Massachusetts for three years, before dropping out.

Clark worked as a touring musician with the Polyphonic Spree and Sufjan Stevens, before releasing Marry Me, her first album as St Vincent, in 2007. By her fifth album, 2017’s Masseduction, she had become one of the most celebrated artists in music, the first solo female artist to win a Grammy Award for Best Alternative Album in 20 years.

She became unlikely Daily Mail-fodder around the same time, thanks to an 18-month relationship with Cara Delevingne, and later Kristen Stewart. Her ever-changing music, dressing up-box image and head-spinning well of ideas have seen her compared to David Bowie, Kate Bush and Prince. To complete the notion of her being the "artist's artist", in 2012 she collaborated with David Byrne on the album Love This Giant.

Indeed, she is surely one of few performers today who could stand in for Kurt Cobain with what’s-left-of-Nirvana, performing “Lithium” at their induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2014, as well as cover “Controversy” at a Prince tribute concert in 2020, with such guitar-playing fireworks its author would surely have approved.

Following the glam-influenced pop of Masseduction, St Vincent has performed another stylistic handbrake turn. Complete with a new image – part-Warhol Superstar, part-Cassavetes heroine – she has mined the textures of the music she loved most as a kid: the virtuoso rock of Steely Dan, the clipped funk of Stevie Wonder and blue-eyed soul of mid-Seventies' David Bowie, on her upcoming album, Daddy’s Home.

The title refers to Clark's own father, locked up in Texas for 12 years in 2010, for money laundering in a stock manipulation scheme, one in which he and his co-conspirators cheated 17,000 investors out of £35m. It is also, in typical Clark style, a bit of saucy slang.

Back on the promotional trail, Clark Zoomed in from Los Angeles one morning recently – fully caffeinated and raring to go. “My vices?” she pondered. “Too much coffee, man…”

What question are you already bored of being asked?

There’s not one that’s popping out. There’s no question where I’m like “Oh God, if I ever hear that again, I’ll jump off a building.” I’m chill.

I mention it because prior to releasing your last record you put out a pre-recorded “press conference”, seemingly to pre-empt every inane question the media would throw at you.

It’s so funny. It didn’t really occur like that. Originally that was supposed to be a legit green screen conference. Like, “I’ll just answer these questions ‘cos when they need to have me on ‘The Morning Show’ in Belarus they can have this and put their own graphics behind it”. But then when my friend Carrie Brownstein [collaborator and Sleater-Kinney vocalist-guitarist] and I started writing it and it became very snarky. For some reason it didn’t occur to me that “Oh, that might be off-putting or intimidating to journalists” I just thought "This is silly”. So anyway… I understand.

We're curious about your dad and the American legal system.

I have had a lot of questions about that. For some reason it didn’t occur to me how much I would be answering questions about… my hilarious father!

How do you view his time in prison?

Just that life is long and people are complicated. And that, luckily, there’s a chance for redemption or reconciliation, even after a really crazy traumatic time. And also anybody that has any experience with the American justice system will know this... nobody comes out unscathed.

You recently presented an online MasterClass: "St. Vincent Teaches Creativity & Songwriting". One of the takeaways: “All you need are ears and ideas, and you can make anything happen”. Who’s had the best ideas in music?

Well, you’ve got to give credit to people who were genuinely creating a new style – like if you think of Charlie Parker, arguably he created a new style. This hard bop that was just absolutely impossible to play. It was, like, “Check me out – try to copy me!” So, that’s interesting. I think Brian Eno, for sure, has some great ideas about music – and obviously has made some of the best music. Joni Mitchell – completely singular. I mean: think about that. There are some people who are actually inimitable – like, you couldn’t possibly even try to imitate them.

It’s a brave soul who covers a Joni Mitchell song. Although, apologies if you actually have.

No, I have not. And there’s a reason why not. Come on – Bowie. Bowie never repeated himself. David Byrne also didn’t repeat himself. He took all of his influences of classic songs and the disco that was happening at the time, and the potpourri of downtown New York music from the mid- to late Seventies… and synthesised it into this completely new, other thing. I mean, that’s impressive. Those are the ones we remember.

How hard is it not to repeat yourself?

It’s whether people have the Narcissus thing or not. Like, it’s always got to be a balance where you’re, like, “Well, I need to believe in myself to make something and be liberated. But I can’t look at that pond of my previous work and go ‘Oh you! You’re gorgeous!’” So I don’t go back and listen to things I’ve done. I finished Daddy’s Home in the fall and it was, like, “This is done” and it felt great. I loved the record and it was so fun to make. But what I did immediately afterwards was to write something completely different. But then I don’t know, ‘cos there are people who do the thing that they do just great. And you just want to hear more songs, in the style of the thing that they do great.

Right. No one wants an experimental Ramones album.

Exactly. Or, like, or a Tom Petty record. I don’t want a tone poem from Tom Petty! I want a perfectly constructed, perfectly written completely singalongable three-chord song.

The new album has a very “live” Seventies feel. I’d read that some of the tracks are first takes. Can that be right? It all sounds very complicated.

That’s not right. I should say [rock voice] "Yeah, that’s right, we just jammed…" But, you know, I’ll be honest. There are some vocal takes in there that are first takes. But it really is just the sound of people playing. We get good drum takes. And good bass takes. And I play a bunch of guitar and sitar-guitar. And it’s the sound of a moment in time, certainly. And way more about looseness and groove and feel and vibe than anything else [I’ve done before].

Amazing live albums, virtuoso playing, jamming – those were staples of Seventies music. Have we lost some of that?

I mean, I can wax poetic on that idea for a minute. In the Seventies you had this tremendous sophistication in popular music. Stevie Wonder, Steely Dan and funk and soul and jazz and rock…. and all of the things rolled into one. That was tremendously sophisticated. It just was. There was harmony, there were chord progressions.

What else from that decade appealed to you for Daddy’s Home?

It reminds me of where we are now, I think. So, 1971-1976 in downtown New York, you’ve got the Summer of Love thing and flower children and all the hippy stuff and it’s, like, “Oh yeah, that didn’t work out that well. We’re still in Vietnam. There’s a crazy economic crisis, all kinds of social unrest”. People stood in the proverbial burned-out building. And it reminds me a lot of where we are today, in terms of social unrest, economic uncertainty. A groundswell wanting change... but where that’s headed is yet to be seen. We haven’t fully figured that out. We’re all picking up pieces of the rubble and going “Okay, what do we do with this one? Where do we go with that one?” Being a student of history, that was one of the reasons why I was drawn to that period in history.

Also: that’s the music I’ve listened to more than anything in my entire life. I mean, I was probably the youngest Steely Dan fan. It didn’t make me that popular at sleepovers. People were, like, “I want to listen to C+C Music Factory” and I was, like, “Yeah, but have you heard this solo on [Steely Dan’s] ‘Kid Charlemagne’”? That music is so in me. It’s so in my ears and I feel like I never really went there [making music before]. And I didn’t want to be a tourist about it. It’s just that particular style had a whole lot to teach me. So I wanted to just dig in and find out. Just play with it.

Is there a style of music you don’t like?

That I don’t like?

You're a jazz fan...

I love jazz. Are you kidding me? I was that annoying 14-year-old who was, like, “Yeah, but have you listened to Oliver Nelson’s The Blues and the Abstract Truth?”

I love jazz. Are you kidding me? I was that annoying 14-year-old who was, like, “Yeah, but have you listened to Oliver Nelson’s The Blues and the Abstract Truth?”

That does sound quite precocious for a 14-year-old.

It’s annoying. Just insufferable. [Thinking aloud] What music don’t I like….? Here’s what can happen. And I feel like it’s similar to when an actor has some lines in a script and they’re not very good – not very well-written – so they overcompensate by making it very dramatic and really overplaying it. I would say that is a style of music that I don’t really like. Where somebody has to really oversell it and it all feels… athletic. Instead of musical or touching.

Did you put your lockdown time to constructive use?

If you need any mediocre home renovations done, I’m your girl. It was fun. I did – let’s see now – plumbing, electrical, painting. Luckily there’s YouTube, so you can more or less figure it all out. I did a lot of that stuff and I have to say it was such a nice contrast to working on music all day. Because when you’re working on music you have to create the construct of everything. You’re, like, “I need to make this song. But what is this song?” Everything is this kind of elusive castle in the sky thing. But then, if you go and sand a deck, you’ve done something. It feels really good. And it’s not, like, “What is a deck? And who am I?” You’re just, like, “This is a task and I get to do it and I can see how the mechanism works I understand it it’s not esoteric – it’s simply mechanical". I can do something mechanical. I loved it.

Which bit of DIY are you most pleased with?

Painting the kitchen cabinets. That’s a real job. We’re talking sanding. We’re talking taking things off hinges. We’re talking multiple coats. The whole lacquer-y thing at the end. That. I’m, like, “That looks pretty pro”.

What colour did you go for?

Oh, you know, it’s just a sort of… teal. But classy teal.

Of course.

Yeah. The wallpapering wasn’t as successful. But, you know, that’s fine. So that was really fun. And then I also went down a history rabbit hole. I realised I had some gaps in my knowledge about the Russian Revolution and life under the Iron Curtain and the gulags and Stalin and Lenin. So, I went down that hole. And then I was like “Oh I forgot – I haven’t read any Dostoevsky”. So I have been working on his short stories – which are great. And then Solzhenitsyn I really liked – I mean liked is a strange word to use for The Gulag Archipelago. I read Cancer Ward… All of them. I recommend all of it. And then, before that, it was a big Stasi kick. I can’t remember the last time I had time to brush up on the Russian Revolution.

There’s a lyric on “The Laughing Man”, “If life’s a joke… then I’m dying laughing”. It’s also on your new merchandise. What do you think happens when we die?

Nothing.

This is it?

Yeah. I mean, I understand that it would be comforting to think otherwise. That there might be a special place. It would be nice! The thought’s never really been able to stick for me. I would say that we are made of carbon and then we get subsumed back into the Earth and then eventually we become life again – in the carbon part of our makeup.

Well, that sounds better than an endless void.

I don’t think it would be an endless void.

In what ways are you like your mum and dad?

Let’s see. Well, my mother is a precious angel who has unwavering optimism. She is incredibly intelligent and also very nonjudgmental and able and happy to explore all kinds of possibilities. Saying that, though… it’s sounding not like me at all. I’m like my father in that I think we have very similar tastes in books, films, music and a very similar sense of humour. My mother’s so kind that it’s hard for me to… Her level of kindness and decency is aspirational to me.

How famous are you, on a scale of one to 10?

God, I mean, like, “TikTok Famous” probably a one, right? I’m gonna say – I don’t know about the number system – but I’m going to say I-occasionally-get-a-free-appetiser-sent-over famous. Which is a great place to be.

What do you look for in a date?

It’s been so long since I’ve been on a date. You know, I once read something, it might have been something cheesy on a card, but [it was]: if you don’t like someone, then the way they hold their fork will bother you. But, if you like someone – or love someone – they could spill an entire plate of spaghetti on your lap and you wouldn’t mind.

You play a zillion instruments. What’s the hardest instrument to play?

Well, I can’t play horns or anything like that. The French horn is supposed to be really hard. I don’t like to blag… but I’m an incredible whistler. Like, I can whistle Bach.

Is Bach a particularly tough whistle?

I think… yeah. It’s fast. And noodly.

What’s the first thing you’re going to do when we're out of lockdown?

I’m gonna get a manicure and a pedicure and a massage. Massage from a stranger. Any stranger.

What about a night on the tiles?

I will probably attend a dinner party.

That sounds quite restrained.

It sounds hella boring. Sorry.

Clubbing?

No, I don’t really go to clubs. I think in order to go to clubs you have to be a person who likes to publicly dance. And I don’t publicly dance. I mean I would feel too shy to dance at a wedding. But for some reason I will dance on stage in front of 10,000 people.

That’s why alcohol was invented.

Exactly! But I swear I would reach the point of alcohol sickness before I would be drunk enough to dance.

The effects of drugs on creativity: discuss.

Unreliable. Really unreliable. Sometimes after a day’s work in the studio you’re like, "I’m gonna have shot of tequila and then sing this a few more times, and then play". It’s okay but you peak sort-of quickly. You can’t sustain the level without getting tired. And then I would say that weed just makes me paranoid and useless. Every once in a while some combo of psychedelics can get you someplace. But, for the most part, you either come back to [the work] the next day and you’re, like, “This is garbage” or you get sleepy or hungry or distracted and you’re not really doing anything. I’ve never had opiates. Or coke or whatever. So I don’t know. I can’t speak to that. But with the slightly more G-Rated [American movie classification: All Ages Permitted] thing, it doesn’t really help.

What do you have too many of in your wardrobe?

I’m not a hoarder. I tend to have one thing that I get really obsessed with and then I wear it every day. Some people, having a whole lot of things gives them a sense of safety and security. It gives me anxiety. I can’t think if there’s too much visual noise. If there was a uniform that I could wear every day I would absolutely do that. And at certain times I have.

Like Steve Jobs?

Or, oh God, what’s her name? The Theranos lady… Elizabeth Holmes!

The blood-test-scam lady?

Well, I guess it was unclear how much of it was self-delusion and how much of it was, you know, actual fraud.

Another black turtleneck fan.

And – again, this is unconfirmed – she also adopted a very low voice like this in order to be taken seriously as a CEO.

Like Margaret Thatcher.

Did she have a low voice?

She made hers “less shrill”.

Oh yes. Yes!

What movie makes you cry?

The Lives of Others

That’s a good one.

Right. I rewatched that during my Stasi kick.

I’ll be honest, your lockdown sounds even less fun than everyone else’s.

I mean… Look, I had to educate myself. I went to a music college [Berklee College of Music] where I tried to take the philosophy class and the way that they would talk about it… it was taught by this professor who was from one of the neighbouring colleges in Boston. And it was very clear that he really disliked having to talk Kierkegaard to a bunch of music school kids. He was just so bummed by it. I’m trying to learn, “What’s the deal with Kant?” and he felt he had to explain everything only in musical terms [because he assumed it would be the only thing music students could relate to]. Like, “Well, you know, it’s like when Bob Marley…" I’m, like, “No, no, no! I don’t want that!” So I had to educate myself. This is where its led me.

Where should we ideally listen to Daddy’s Home?

Put it on a turntable. Pour yourself a glass of tequila or bourbon – whatever your favourite hooch is – and smoke a joint and listen to it. I think that’s the vibe.

Daddy’s Home is released on May 14

[knives-out20]

The Impact Of The Intergalactic - David Bowie Opinion Essay - by Beck S.

This is an essay I wrote about the span of David Bowie's career. I wrote it for a summer school course I took last year (August 2021) for a course called History of Rock & Roll.

My teacher gave nice feedback after he marked it, talking about how it was an "Excellent paper. It charts Bowie's progress throughout his career well, and includes significant detail. I could really feel the passion you have about him throughout. In fact, there is *too much* detail! The paper was supposed to be 3 pages max, double-spaced. Still, this is a good problem to have; better too much than too little."

So...enjoy!!

From his early works like Hunky Dory, to Black Tie White Noise in the 1990’s and stretching over to Blackstar as his final album, David Bowie has rarely had a bad album or song- in my opinion. His career has had ups and downs, his musical creations ranging in the way he would pitch his voice and what instruments he would use, the people he would produce with, and the wild things he would say. Charting David Bowie’s development over time is in fact an interesting journey.

Early on in his dreamy career, Bowie would have done nearly anything- or in fact, anyone- to grow in the music world. Hopping from band to band (like The Velvet Underground), producer to producer, doing whatever he could do to get ‘in’ in the industry. His early albums weren’t taken very highly in their times- especially with the ‘man-dress’ he wore on the British release of his The Man Who Sold The World album. Although, this dress was only the start of the androgynous appearance he would soon be known for, over the course of his 5-decade-spanning career.

The 1970’s were strange, to say the least. He married Angela Bowie at the start of the decade, then welcomed their son Duncan Zowie Haywood Jones a year later. Bowie went on to be hopped up on cocaine. David donned the look of one of his famous personas, The Thin White Duke. The same persona with slicked-back ginger hair, a white button-up under a black waistcoat and paired with black dress pants. The same Duke who called Adolf Hitler one of the first ‘rock stars’ and gave off a lot of faschist energy. He said many statements he’d later apologize for and grow as a better man from, which is good- it’s better than standing by then, or even backing himself up and supporting them. David Bowie called that period the darkest days of his life, and blamed the crazy statements on his horrid addiction and deteriorating mental state. The late 1970’s were more favorable, seeing as it gave the world what was dubbed the Berlin Trilogy alongside Brian Eno and David’s personal friend, Iggy Pop. Made up of three of his albums: Low and Heroes (both in 1977) and Lodger (1978). He moved from Los Angeles to Switzerland, then to Berlin as a further decision to escape his addiction (the reason he moved away from LA in the first place). It was in Berlin, of course, where he wrote his famous song Heroes, about two lovers, one from East Berlin and one from West.

Speaking of Berlin, David Bowie performed near the west of the Berlin Wall in 1987; he played so loud that crowds gathered on the east to listen. At this time, Bowie had no idea he would be the beginning of the city’s soon-coming unifying. After his death in 2016, the German government thanked him for bringing the wall down and unifying a divided Germany.

Music isn’t all he is known for, though it is a majority. He also starred in movies from time to time. Being the titular man in The Man Who Fell To Earth in 1976, Jareth the moody goblin king in Jim Henson’s 1986 Labyrinth film (what is most likely his most famous role), Monte the barman in the 1991 movie The Linguini Incident, cameoing as himself in Zoolander (2001), Nikola Tesla in the 2006 movie The Prestige, and even Lord Royal Highness in Spongebob Squarepants’ Atlantis Squarepantis in 2007, among a few others. David Bowie dabbled in the art of acting, and was not that bad at it. He was good enough to gain a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, too. Sometimes it bends my mind that my first introduction to my all-time favourite musician was in a Spongebob Squarepants movie, back before I knew who he was, but David Bowie was never one to shy away from foreshadowing. At least one song from many of his albums would hint at the direction he’d go in for his next release. For example, his track Queen Bitch on Hunky Dory foreshadowed his soon-coming Ziggy Stardust. And the Diamond Dogs track 1984 actually hinted at the Philadelphian soul of Young Americans, which is a more famous song of his, which he went on to perform on The Cher Show with its host.

The 1990’s were certainly an experimental time for David Bowie. But to my knowledge, I think the 1990’s was a time for everyone. He married supermodel Iman some days after performing at the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert, and released the album I named earlier, Black Tie White Noise. It is known to have had a prominent use of electronic instruments, as was his other 1990’s album, Earthling. The early 1990’s greeted David’s first real band since the Spiders From Mars, dubbed Tin Machine. They recorded three guitar-driven albums which received mixed reviews from the masses, but Bowie looks back at this period- as do I- with a certain fondness; “a glorious disaster” he called it, when talking to journalist Mick Brown. Tin Machine is a period I don’t listen to often, compared to his solo stuff, but I don’t press the skip button when it comes on.

Alas, the starman’s career drew to a close as the 2000s rolled in. David Bowie greeted the 2000’s with the birth of his and Iman’s daughter, the beautiful Alexandria Zahra Jones. After suffering a- strange, as it were- heart attack symptoms mid-song during a concert in 2004, he took a hiatus from his career. I say strange because given what I know, he was trying his best to stay healthy at the time. According to my special Rolling Stone edition magazine about David Bowie (released at the start of this year), he was on tour and performing in a really hot arena. But Bowie was sober, and had quit smoking. He was taking medication to lower his cholesterol, and worked out with a trainer. Bowie looked great, and yet he felt a pain in his shoulder and chest, along with a shortness for breath. A bodyguard rushed onstage to usher Bowie off of it, cutting the concert short. He only performed live once or twice after that point, but was set on never going live ever again. And he kept his word on that, unfortunately but also fortunately. Unfortunately, because David Bowie live would have been quite the experience- I wouldn’t know, personally. But fortunately, because I do not believe anyone needs a repeat of the 2004 Reality scare.

I am actually not too fond of speaking of his final years. Nobody really likes to speak of the last years of their idols’ life before their death, so it’s no surprise. Blackstar was David Bowie’s 25th and final album, recorded entirely in secret in New York alongside his long-time producer, Tony Visconti. The album's central theme lyrically is mortality, and seeing as Bowie was undergoing chemotherapy for his cancer at the time, I see it as his way of coping with his incoming death. His producer Tony Visconti called him a ‘canny bastard’, when he realized Bowie was essentially writing a farewell album. Every song on the album is what is considered a swan song, a swan song in question being a phrase for a final gesture of some sort before retirement or death. In this case, death. Over the course of recording the album, David Bowie’s chemotherapy had actually been working and he had an eerie optimism while recording. But by the time they shot the two music videos Blackstar and Lazarus, where he showed off the definite passage of time and cruelty of chemotherapy through sparse and gray hair with sagging skin, he knew his condition was terminal and that this would be a battle he would lose. Blackstar wasn’t the first album to have been made by a musician succumbing to a fatal illness, but in my opinion it is in fact the most beautiful. It’s jazzy, and elegant, showing how at peace he had become with dying.

Blackstar the album was released on January 8th, 2016. Also known as David Bowie’s 69th birthday. Two days later, David Bowie died at his Lafayette Street home on January 10th after living with liver cancer for up to 18 months. Beforehand, he had let it be known he did not want a funeral nor a burial, but rather that his body be cremated and the ashes to be scattered in Bali by his loved ones. His wish was received, and planet Earth was very much bluer and quieter without his colour and wonderful noise.

As I said earlier on, David Bowie’s career came with ups and downs. His mysteriously close relationship with Mick Jagger, his cross with famous underage groupie Lori Maddox, the births of his two talented children, his faschist bender in the 70’s, and final bang of Blackstar in his final year on earth. Through the highs and lows, his career and his music meant a lot to the quote-unquote misfits and freaks of the world, myself included. David Bowie turned and faced the strange, shouted “you’re not alone!” To those who felt the loneliest, he surely spent his career helping those who needed to be themselves, feel more freer and braver in doing so, no matter what they may be when they are themselves. He never went boring, he never went stale, he sang what he wanted and dressed how he pleased, and kept to his word on how much more to life there is when you’re just that; yourself. A year after David Bowie’s untimely passing, his son Duncan Jones accepted an award for British album of the year that was won by Blackstar at the 37th annual Brit Awards. When he accepted it, he made a speech about his father that I will leave here, and never forget. Seeing as it perfectly encapsulates David Bowie’ legacy, and the true meaning of his extraordinary career.

“I lost my dad last year, but I also became a dad. And, uhm, I was spending a lot of time- after getting over the shock- of trying to work out what would I want my son to know about his granddad? And I think it would be the same thing that most of my dad's fans have taken over the last 50 years. That he’s always been there supporting people who think they’re a little bit weird or a little bit strange, a little bit different, and he’s always been there for them. So...this award is for all the kooks, and all the people who make the kooks. Thanks, Brits, and thanks to his fans.” - Duncan Z. H. Jones (February 22 2017, at The O2 Arena in London.)

[alovevigilante]

You ever go back to something in hopes that situation will have changed overtime even though it may not have changed inside you, and the shit hasn’t changed one iota, cause you haven’t? No? If not, you’re lucky. I just went searching illustrations on the internet, and it was great for awhile… but yes, inevitably I ran into some triggers that sent me years back into another miserable thought dimension. Rats… to feed the cat in me.

It’s time I made peace with this energy. It’s not a person, or people, or even past events or experiences that are affecting me. It’s how I felt and now currently feel, about myself, reliving those things. I end up choosing to review and revisit it all over again within myself. I’ll be sitting, half watching a movie like I always do, and the movie in my mind starts up, all the crap, and it’s much scarier than this bear trying to maul this red headed girl in this Disney animation, or not, I don’t know wth to be honest with you, cause once again, I’m only half watching… oh… the bear is her mom… never mind. (Say it like Gilda Radner’s Emily litella character on the old Saturday night live)

I think they may be from Scotland and to be completely honest, I don’t know exactly what they’re saying… in their defense, I am only half listening, and I can’t hear so well after years of ear neglect from blasting my music with my Walkman, and boom box, and blowing my speakers in my family’s cars and sound system in their houses, and in my car, and my sound system, and singing with bands didn’t help the little hairs in my ears meant to protect the ear drum, which my pal in my head John Bonham used to beat on regularly, and loudly too. OR my hearing loss could also be due to a basic, general disinterest in conversations or situations or occurrences depending on the topic, so, it’s probably not their fault.

There. I feel better now. Talking it out, helps. Man, I love music. I’m too old to go to a general admission concert, because this mama’s culo needs an assigned seat of its very own, and I’m not about to fight for a spot up front anymore, but I’m not beyond sneaking stealthy up front if there’s no one around who gives a hoot, cause I’m height challenged, and inevitably some very, very tall people like to stand in front of me, because I’m the size of an ant compared to them, and then I can’t see, cause they make a better opaque form than a transparent one, but also if I can break through the barrier of the wall of bodies and if I can befriend one of the bodyguard/bouncers that know damn well I didn’t pay no $4,700 for front row anything, I just like to look up the band’s schnozzes for awhile til I get bored of standing. Then I create ruckus in the stands with the people who may or may not be inebriated, or just balls out crazy.

One time a guy and I did high kicks together at a Poison concert. Well, I did them towards him, and he was facing the stage. I decided to make it a contest. Truth be told, I’m not sure he knew I was there in front of him challenging him, like that old man kept saying when he wanted mr. Huxtable to have a dance off with him in the Cosby show. That old guy threw down some sand in a box, and he was like, “challlll-onge!!!” He wanted to challenge him, but that’s how he said it, and incidentally, that’s how I always say it now too, so credit to that old guy, cause he was cool. But Heathcliff didn’t know how to tap like that old guy, but man, did he try.

Anyhoo, I was like that to the high kicker at the Poison concert, but he was way too interested in starring at Bret, and all his Michaels, they are the lead singer of the heavy metal band Poison, and high kicking to celebrate them all, Bret, and his Michaels and his vocals, and his Michael’s vocals, and to celebrate the band in general, to give a crap about me, let alone my dance challenge. I was really sore for awhile after that, not because the man high kicking basically ignored me, cause I was more than cool with that, but because I was high kicking for upwards of 20 minutes straight, and that sure can put a damper on your muscles the next day. But I recovered. (I’m pretty sure I already told myself this story online….) Ahhhhhh regardless, good times…

(Bret with all his Michaels)

Well, laughing always helps me smile, and writing does too. When I write, I can go anywhere and do anything, and I’m in control. I’m so glad I did. There are some things about my past I do miss… like having pals, and socializing. Much like a cat, which I started off like, I’ve become anti social, and pretty self sufficient due to past memories of hurt, and cryogenically freezing others in the times of those past hurts. I basically went into Willy wonka lock down and seclusion in my home over the past few years because of it all, and COVID didn’t help. I’m not exactly privy to how others feel about me, cause I’m not them, but I’ve felt like I’m viewed and judged, by some, but not all family, former peers, and the community at large in not always the best light. But I’m slowly choosing to put all of my judgement of myself, and others, and what I don’t know about cause who gives a rip in the long run cause it’s all just thoughts, down now, and become more of myself, as that’s a lot more…. well, like the me, that I want to be. ☺️💌

(the above pic isn’t me. He calls himself Dee snider, but it’s not. It’s D. Schneider, like the Schneider on the 70s show “one day at a time” with the adorable Valerie bertinelli, which means, “Bert intelligent” according to my autocorrect, so Frank Oz and Bert from Sesame Street will be happy to note the support, and the very cool and equally adorable mackenzie phillips…. Head… Screwdriver. I kid, Mackenzie. I finish people’s last names if they leave us hanging. So no offense meant. 💕🥸🙈🤷‍♀️☺️✌️🙌💕💕💕😉)

[path-of-my-childhood]

9 Taylor Swift Moments That Didn’t Fit in Our Cover Story

By: Brian Hiatt for The Rolling Stone Magazine Date: September 30th 2019

Taylor Swift had a lot to say in our recent cover story (on newsstands now), tracing her eventful path to Lover, her political views and many other topics in a lengthy, revealing interview. There was even more to the caffeine-fueled conversation, which Swift made it through on four hours of sleep after staying up greeting fans at her parents’ Nashville house. Here are some highlights:

On releasing “The Archer” after “Me” and “You Need to Calm Down”: That’s sort of the world in which a lot of the album lives. It’s weird, because in pop, I love hooks and bop and catchy melodies so much. And I also love writing the songs you need to ugly cry to. So I really enjoy “You Need to Calm Down” and the brattiness of “damn, it’s 7 a.m.,” and then the next song being like, this is how I feel about myself in my lowest moments… It was unexpected when people liked “The Archer” seemingly sort of unanimously, I was like, What? This doesn’t happen to me. This almost feels like foreign and strange.

On Lover‘s place in her catalog: Reputation was so far from what I usually do. And Lover feels like a return to the fundamental songwriting pillars that I usually build my house on. It’s really honest; it’s not me playing a character. It’s really just how I feel, undistilled. And there are a lot of very personal admissions in it. And also, I love a metaphor. I love building on the metaphor for a very long time. You know, the whole of Reputation was just a metaphor, but this is a very personal record. So that’s been really fun.

Writing the title track of Lover: I was sitting up at the piano up in my loft, and I had the chorus. It just kind of happened immediately. It was one of those ones that I wrote very very, very quickly. And I was working out the cadence of the first verse and it just sort of fell together. But then I took some time to write the bridge because I wanted to really level up with that bridge. That one would for me be less of a ranting bridge and more of a story-time fable type bridge. Sometimes I like to imagine a bridge as like a sort of fairy-tale lullaby fable expanding upon a song that has been not as detailed until that point. “Can I go where you go/ Can we always be this close forever and ever”  is less detail then when you go to the bridge and you realize like, oh, it just got really personal in the bridge. It expands on it all.

Writing “Paper Rings” We just were messing around, just wanting to make something really, really fun. And I had all these lyrics about all these funny memories of how something can start off in a really quirky way and surprise you. Like how it says, “I hate accidents, except when we went from friends to this.” So I wanted to show the quirkiness of a relationship and how it’s like, wow, this really fell together in really interesting, funny, playful, cute pieces. And now it’s something we’re both really stoked happened exactly the way it did.

On her creative burst circa 2016: I was writing constantly. And a lot of the things I was writing ended up being songs for Reputation. So after 1989, I didn’t write really anything. After I made 1989 and put it out, did all the promo stuff, went on tour... The Grammys happen, which is like this unbelievable blitz of excitement, followed by me going, “Oh my god, what am I going to make next?” I had no idea what to make next, because I was so proud. 1989 — I’m still so, so deeply proud of that record. But I was like, where do we go from here? I have no idea what comes after this. And so, when my life took a very dramatic shift, all of a sudden I knew what to make next — which is a strange dichotomy to feel like, ‘whoa, this is all really weird, twisted, dark and dramatic, but I can’t stop writing.’

I think I would have made Reputation whether or not I actually put out the album or ever made another album again. That album was a real process of catharsis, and I thought I experienced catharsis before, but I’d never had until that album, because it was creating this strange defense mechanism. And, I’d never really done that in that exact way before. The only way I’d done it in the past, was with “Blank Space,” which I wrote specifically about criticisms I had received for supposedly dating too many people in my twenties. I took that template of, OK, this is what you’re all saying about me. Let me just write from this character for a second.

On the Reputation Tour: That’s just such a fun album, Reputation. I’m so proud of how that whole process was because I’d never had an album that made more sense to people after they came to the concert. Literally people would be like, “I came to the show and now I completely love the record.” Now I get the record. Whereas before with 1989, I felt like it was such a great listen but it was harder to portray it live because when you when you see it live, you’re like, “Oh, I love that song and now she’s performing it live.” But it never had songs that came alive live.

With Reputation, I wanted to keep my head down, not say anything, but work harder than I ever worked. It was really motivational for me to just have the stadium tour to prepare for and prove myself almost. My career was in a weird spot, but still have that kind of ignite something in you to work harder, to practice longer, to think of bigger, better concepts for the live show. I was thinking, if anything can pull me out of this weird disillusionment I have with the way that things have gone in my career that I was feeling back then, I knew it would be playing live. If I could be proud of the live show and if I could feel that connection with fans, that would remind me of why I love this.

On the challenges of choreography: It’s really hard for me to memorize choreography. Dancers keep count, but I can’t memorize choreography that way. So I have to assign movement to an exact lyric. Everything in my brain has to be assigned to a lyric. Because I have to learn choreography in a way that reverts back to songwriting. My vibe is I have to rehearse so, so many times for so long that I can do the choreography without thinking about it. Because when I’m thinking about choreography, my face says it. You can see it in my eyes. There’s a fear and, like, a deadness to my eyes if I’m trying to remember choreography.

On being less caught up in chart battles: I’m just a little more chill about stuff like that now. Obviously, you want to do well, and you want to do things that people like and you want people not to make fun of you for that. A lot of the pressure that I feel in my career is just the fact that I’m compared to everything I’ve ever accomplished in the past and also new artists. I can’t live in that pressure cooker. Charts — I truly, truly do not understand how they work anymore. My friend Ed [Sheeran] is such a chart monger. He’s obsessed with how it works and the math of it. I have no idea what goes on with the math with it now, it used to be so easy. I don’t even get how, people get a big release week, because they sold T-shirts, or they sold concert tickets with their albums. It’s just very confusing. But I was stoked about the “ME!” music video getting that many YouTube views. I was like, well, that’s like, that’s something to write home about.

On the longevity of songs: I think it often takes a lot of time for people to understand how they feel about music. And I know that now because there’s a song on Red called “All Too Well” that I’m really, really proud of, and it took people about three years to note that that was one of the best songs. I didn’t see that starting to pop up when people would talk about my music until about two or three years after the album had its moment. So one thing that’s actually really comforting about music — and I know that people consume at a crazy speed now — but I think that things settle for people after a long period of time. My music kind of assigns itself to maybe a moment in somebody’s life; that’s the way that my fans usually describe it. So when you’re dealing in memory curation in a way, if they have memories that include one of my songs, they go and they live their lives and those memories become further in the past and more nostalgic to them, and the music becomes more important to them.

[kerikaaria]

If I Never Met You: Chapter 31

(??? X Reader) Idol!AU, Manager!Reader

Genre: (PG13) Fluff, some angst

WC: 2.2k

Warnings: None

Series Masterlist

Chapter 30 | Chapter 31 | Chapter 32

Taehyung tapped on your shoulder to get your attention, and you took out my earbud to hear him.

“Noona, aren’t you sleepy?” he asked.

You chuckled, knowing exactly why he was asking. “You just want me to lean on your shoulder to sleep.”

He feigned innocence. “What? No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He crossed his arms, facing forward. “I just want to make sure our precious manager is getting enough rest.

“Uh huh,” you replied sarcastically, smiling. He looked at you out of the corner of his eyes. “Why don’t you get some rest, though?” you suggested. “You all definitely need it.”

He didn’t respond, but his eyes were already drooping from exhaustion.

You put my earbud back in and resumed listening to BTS’ new album that would be getting released soon. The album, titled Dark & Wild was finished during your time in LA and was even recorded there as well. You haven’t been back to Korea pretty much at all, except for in between flights. You’ve been busy as ever, flying all over the place and constantly on the move with things to do.

You were excited for the next comeback, though. You felt like the music was starting to become more of their own more unique flavor and you found myself liking this album very easily compared to the others. Not to mention, it was their first full-length album and the boys seem really excited to release it.

A few songs in, you felt a weight on your left shoulder. You smiled when you turned to see Taehyung fast asleep, his head having fallen to rest on you. On your other side, Jungkook was also very passed out against the window. Seeing the boys resting so well made you realize just how tired you were as well, just as worn out from all the traveling and jam-packed schedules. It wasn’t long before you found yourself relaxing to the song Rain and succumbing to sleep as well.

“It feels like we just left Los Angeles and we’re already back,” Hobi said as you waited behind the stage for their interview to start.

“Yeah,” you sighed. “But we’re only here for a couple days for K-Con, then we get to go back home. No more international travelling for a little while.”

Jungkook looked at you curiously. “Did you just say ‘home’?”

“Um, yeah?” you responded, confused. “Is there something wrong with that?”

“No,” he replied. “It’s just… you consider Korea home? Not where you grew up?”

You took a moment to think of your answer. “Well… My hometown will always be a home to me, but I’ve been living in Korea for about two years now. My life, my job, and some of the most important people to me are there. So yeah. It’s my home.”

Jin sniffled, faking tears. “That’s so sweet. I feel so touched, Y/n. I knew you loved me.”

You rolled my eyes at Jin’s dramatics. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

One of the convention staff came to tell you that they were ready for them to go, and as they walked toward the stage, Jin turned around to stick out his tongue at you.

There were actually quite a lot of fans gathered outside to watch the interview, and hearing the cheers for your boys made you swell with pride. Yeah this convention was for K-pop fans, but they were still new, barely a year since their debut so seeing that there were this many people here to see them was really wonderful.

The interview went well, Namjoon being asked to freestyle rap in English (which ended up making you laugh), and a fan was even brought up on the stage for him to rap about her as well. Her bias was V and when the hosts encouraged them to give her a hug before she left she looked so shy, it warmed your heart to see how happy it made her.

The whole convention went really well, the boys being amazed and thankful over and over again for how many fans had come wanting to see them. The concert where they got to perform a few of their songs was the first time they were performing in the US, and they couldn’t contain their excitement over it.

After the convention was over you flew back to Korea, finally able to settle and not worry about when the next plane you would board would be. Sejin drove you home from the airport.

"Well, that didn't take very long," Namjoon said, diverting your attention to the back of the van.

"What are you talking about?" you asked.

"Your bracelet," he elaborated. "Fans noticed it during the convention. One of them took some pictures, and they deciphered the letters. Now its spreading around the fandom that you have a bracelet with our names on it."

"Is that a good or a bad thing?" Jungkook asked.

"Well, they're squealing over it, so I'd say it's a good thing," Hoseok added. "I was just looking at the tweets, and they're saying how cute it is, that we must be good friends and she loves us, stuff like that."

Jin, who started investigating on his own phone once Namjoon mentioned it, suddenly laughed. "Oh my. This one fan is insisting that the letters for Jimin look larger than the rest, so that means he's extra special to her. They're saying it confirms you guys are dating."

"Oh my gosh, Jin," you said. "How many times have I told you to ignore that profile that my shippers hoard to?"

"And how am I supposed to do that?" he asked. "It's hilarious, I can't give this up."

Jimin looked at you, raising his eyebrows suggestively while smirking. "So, we're dating now, noona?"

"I guess so," you responded. "The fan has spoken, how dare we disappoint?"

“I still can’t get over the fact that there’s a whole community in our fandom who ship you with us,” Jungkook said.

“After hyung showed me some of those tweets, it took me a whole hour to stop laughing,” Taehyung added. “It’s so hilarious what people come up with.”

“I’m going to start showing you the theory videos about your guys’ ships,” you said. “You should see how adamant the Taekook and Jikook shippers are, my gosh.”

“The what?” Sejin asked from the driver’s seat.

“The fans who ship the members together,” you elaborated. “Taekook is Taehyung and Jungkook, and Jikook is Jimin and Jungkook. The fans who ship either of those pairings tend to be super into it. It’s crazy and hilarious.”

“Since when are you looking up our ships?” Yoongi asked.

“Since Jin has been making fun of me every day for the fans shipping me with you guys,” you said. “And by the way Jin, let me tell you how many fans ship you and Namjoon together.”

The two looked at each other, Namjoon raising his eyebrows. “Seriously?” the leader asked.

“Yup,” you replied. “They call you the dad and Jin the mom of the group.”

Jin scoffed. “I am not the mom.”

“Yeah, Jin isn’t our mom,” Hobi said. “If anything, our parents are our managers.”

You opened my mouth, about to protest. But you thought about it for a moment. “You know what? That’s actually fair.”

Sejin laughed as the banter started to die out, leaving way for the jet lag-induced exhaustion to kick in.

After arriving home, you were all about ready to just crash. You didn’t have to worry about work until tomorrow, and the boys thankfully wouldn’t have practice until then either. It was time to get some much-needed rest. But you couldn’t yet. There was something you needed to make sure to do first.

As soon as you closed your apartment door, you called a local restaurant that delivered and ordered enough food for everyone. You figured after being away from home so frequently for the past two months, they would really appreciate some authentic Korean food, and you were sure to order as many of their favorite dishes as you could.

You busied yourself with unpacking your suitcase to keep from falling asleep while you waited for the food to arrive. That and if you didn’t do it now, you would probably let it sit there for another month before bothering with it.

It didn’t take too long to arrive thankfully, and once it did you crossed the hall. You took the liberty of using your key to unlock the door and let yourself in, unsure if any of them would be awake. To your surprise most of them were sitting in the living room.

Namjoon looked up from his phone. “Noona? What brings you here?”

“What?” you asked, feigning offense. “I can’t come visit my favorite boys just because?”

“That makes you sound more suspicious,” Hobi said, narrowing his eyes at me.

You smiled, chuckling lightly. “Alright, you caught me. I just wanted to treat you guys for working so well lately. It’s been so exhausting and you deserve something nice, don’t you think?”

Seokjin rushed over and took one of the bags from my hands, looking inside. “Oh my gosh, it’s Korean food. Thank the heavens.”

Most of the others’ faces lit up right away, suddenly excited for your gift. “You’re welcome,” you said, sitting down next to Jimin.

“I’d better go wake up Taehyung and Jungkook,” Yoongi said as he stood up. “They won’t shut up about it if they don’t get to eat some of this.”

The remaining boys helped you take out all the bowls of food and distribute them around the table. It didn’t take long for the two youngest to trail their hyung out of the bedroom, rubbing the sleep away from their eyes.

Jungkook’s eyes instantly landed on his favorite dish and he nearly jumped toward the table to sit in front of it. “Wow, noona!” he said. “You got so much food!”

“Of course, you guys deserve it.” You smiled, distributing bowls of rice to everyone and taking extra care to set all the dishes you knew Jimin liked best in front of him.

It didn’t take long for everyone to settle in and start devouring the meal, many of them expressing gratitude at being able to indulge in their native food. However Jimin remained quiet, not having spoken a word since you first entered their dorm. As you ate, you kept gently placing more food in Jimin’s bowl to encourage him to eat more.

There was no communication needed, you both knew why you were paying special attention to him. You kept it as subtle as possible, hoping everyone else’s hunger and excitement over the meal would keep your quiet interactions from being commented on. Jimin did periodically turn his head just slightly to look at me, and you responded by resting a hand on his back. The last thing you wanted was for him to be uncomfortable, and you wanted to make sure he knew that your actions were based on nothing but care.

It took until about half the food was gone for him to finally seem comfortable enough to eat without your incentives, and it brought a smile to your face when he also began to include himself in the conversation shortly after as well.

You had been so busy, you weren’t sure how bad it was or for how long. But eventually you realized, too late for your liking, that Jimin was losing weight again. You felt terrible for not noticing earlier, and you were concerned that if none of the members had been reinforcing his need to take care of himself that he may have thought you no longer cared. Which of course couldn’t have been farther from the truth, but it was easy to imagine things that aren’t there when your mind isn’t in the best place. You could only hope that your efforts today reminded him how much everyone still did care, and always will.

When the dishes were all but licked clean, Seokjin and Namjoon started gathering all the containers to dispose of them and Hoseok got up to retrieve a towel to wipe the table clean.

Yoongi stood up to walk around the table, placing a hand on Jimin’s head while he passed by. “You ate really well, Chim,” he said. “I’m proud of you.”

The flush on his face was the only evidence of Jimin hearing the compliment. He turned to me and you smiled back at him.

“Good job, Jiminie,” you quietly agreed.

“I didn’t do it on my own, though,” he said, looking down to watch his fingers pick at a loose thread on his sweatpants. By now, everyone was sitting around the table again, their attention focused on Jimin.

“You just needed a little encouragement,” you said, brushing back the hair that fell into his face.

“I haven’t been doing good like I should have been,” he quietly admitted.

It was quiet for a beat before the leader took the initiative to speak up. “That’s okay. We know it’s something that you won’t just be able to stop. We’ll do our best to pick you up when you can’t do it yourself.”

“We’re at fault too,” Jungkook mumbled, wringing his hands together in his lap. “We should have paid more attention. I’m sorry, hyung.”

Jimin instantly looked up, shaking his head. “No, Kookie. You guys haven’t done anything wrong. We were busy, I don’t blame anyone for not noticing.”

“We will just keep working on it together,” Yoongi supported.

Jimin wrapped his arms around you and tucked his head into the crook of your neck. “Thank you,” he mumbled.

Series Masterlist

Chapter 30 | Chapter 31 | Chapter 32

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[sweetestmonotony]

I compared niall's albums to shawn’s and WOW

So I always felt like Niall and Shawn were writing about each other but only casually listened to Shawn so I never made any hard connections, but I just went through and listened to/read the lyrics to niall and shawn’s past two albums and WOW. they basically tell the same story but from each other’s different perspectives. SO  I went through and wrote a little summary for each song and then compared their albums. Feel free to read or completely ignore!

Shawn: ILLUMINATE 2016

SUMMARY: shawn very much loves this person but he isn’t sure how they feel about him/ he also makes it clear to this person that they can’t actually be together not because he doesn’t love them but because of other unsaid circumstances (i.e. can’t be openly in love with a guy)

There’s nothing holding me back: Confident girl that keeps him guessing, makes him crazy- wants to confess love for her

Ruin: Questioning if the other person thinks about him/remembers their time together, believes he’s the only one for this person but doesn’t know if person feels the same way about him

Mercy: YOU’VE GOT A HOLD ON ME DON’T EVEN KNOW YOUR POWER///EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T MEAN TO HURT ME YOU KEEP TEARING ME APART//like every lyric of this song screams hopelessly in love with a friend

Treat you better: pining for someone-- again believes he’s the only for this person

Three empty words: sad about a relationship ending/going through difficult time

Don’t be a fool: telling this person that he isn’t worth it “a mess you won’t want to fix,” saying that they both love each other but circumstances keep them apart

Like this: Trying to move on from relationship but cant stop thinking about this person/ still picks up the phone for them I CAN TRY TO STOP IT ALL I LIKE HANDS DOWN IVE LOST THIS FIGHT CANT HIDE THE TRUTH –I read this is as he cant hide his feelings any longer-he is definitely in love and can’t hide it

No Promises: does not want to complicate relationship/ can’t make promises because there will be consequences

Lights on: wants to have sex—biggest takeaway is another mention of being in a hotel, lots of hotel mentions from shawn and at least one from niall (meet each other in other cities)

Honest: can’t give person what they need/there is no other person but shawn cannot be with them---extenuating circumstances once again in the way

Patience: person can’t make up their mind about shawn/keeps him guessing about their relationship/shawn knows this person makes him crazy but he keeps coming back

Bad reputation: this person has been with other people/shawn doesn’t care and claims to know more about this person better than others

Understand: trying to find peace/acceptance with himself

Hold on: basically love song for his dad—again about finding himself/peace

Roses: wants to know if this other person loves him -- he needs to know

 Niall: FLICKER 2017

SUMMARY: in love with this person who constantly pulls away, niall is always reassuring and wants them to be together despite things that try to keep them apart, including the other person’s worries and doubts

She’s on the loose: alluring woman, she’ll meet niall wherever, loves attention

This town: can’t move on from a loving relationship

Seeing blind: someone took him by surprise/he can finally see

Slow hands: they both want each other

Too much too ask: can’t forget about this person/wonders if this person thinks about him or stills loves him-imagines this person coming back to him

Paper Houses: they tried to hold on to their love but just couldn’t-outside circumstances/ he could feel this person slipping away—can’t forget them

Since we’re alone: knows this person is hiding feelings—they are afraid/running—niall tries to reassure them, tells them he is trustworthy and will not break their heart

Flicker: relationship is rocky but he is still hopeful/not giving up—begging this person not to leave him

Fire away: niall can tell that this person is upset (similar to since we’re alone)/again tells this person that they can trust him—person keeps him at a distance

You and me: promises this person that they will end up together even though things are against them/asks this person to wait for him

On my own: embraces his being alone/insists he’s happy on his own

Mirrors: reassures girl who is unsure of herself and who wants love

The tide: don’t let the tide wash us away!!! He doesn’t want their relationship to end, something always tries to keep them apart but niall wants them to stay together/wants to hide them away

 Illuminate VS Flicker

Both love and care about each other but Shawn feels the pressure of society much more than niall, making him always pull away in the end. This leads the other person (niall) to most likely hook up with/hang out with other people confusing Shawn. Shawn constantly asking for reassurance that this person loves him, even though he cannot make any promise. On flicker Niall feels this person (shawn) pulling away and tries to be there for them/comfort them and promises that he can be trusted. Very much wants to keep their relationship together and reiterates this multiple times.

  Shawn: SHAWN MENDES 2018

SUMMARY: Shawn and this person (niall) have decided to be friends but inevitably hook up with each other/ become friends with benefits but it is not easy because they obviously love each other but feel they can’t actually be in a relationship with each other. They both try to date others, causes jealousy/more confusion but makes shawn realizes this is the only person for him.

In my blood: obviously depressed/upset “just take her home and you’ll feel better” “Its isn’t in my blood”—needs someone to help him

Nervous: is always nervous/excited about this person—knows this person wants them too

Lost in japan: LOOKING THROUGH YOUR TIMELINE ALL I SEE IS RAINBOWS –KNOW THIS IS MORE THAN A FRIENDSHIP—will fly anywhere to meet them for one night i.e. friends with benefits

Where were you in the morning: Person did not stay the morning after but made shawn think there was more to their relationship

Like to be you: fighting with this person—trying to understand them/ still loves them and wishes things were better

Fallin all in you: only supposed to be one night but they’re falling in love/making him rethink himself “Baby you are bringing out a different kind of me, there’s no safety net that’s underneath im free fallin all in you, FELL FOR MEN WHO WERENT HOW THEY APPEAR trapped up on a tightrope now we’re here WE’RE FREE fallin all in you”

Particular taste: YOU’LL BE BEGGING HER FOR MERCY

Why: every lyric in this song screams niall but to sum up: they know they both love each other but neither will speak first/ I PRETEND THAT IM NOT READY WHY DO WE PUT EACH OTHER THROUGH HELL/WHEN I HEAR YOU SING, IT GETS HARD TO BREATH CANT HELP BUT THINK EVERY SONGS ABOUT ME —so obviously this is about a person who is a singer/songwriter! (NIALL)—AND EVERY LINE EVERY WORD THAT I WRITE YOU ARE THE MUSE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND—no further comments but this song is for real and he only wrote it with two other people SO

Because I had you: shawn is trying to move on but says he will never love anyone else/ takes someone else out to all the places they had been too (trying to recreate their relationship with someone else but it doesn’t work)

Queen: angry at this person for brushing him off or pretending like they don’t have history

Youth: society won’t get him down

Mutual: person keeps him guessing—wants all of this person but doesn’t know if this person can commit/ believes it’s a game for this other person

Perfectly wrong:  says this person is “perfectly wrong” for him but still loves them anyway, they were never gonna work out

When you’re ready: only ever thinks of this person, ANYTIME YOURE READY IM WAITING (this makes me think of you and me when niall asks the person to wait for him, you and me is the last song on flicker standard addition and when you’re ready is the last song on this album= an answer to niall’s question) –shawn tries to be with others but is always disappointed because it is not this person

BONUS: IF I CAN’T HAVE YOU 2019

Shawn obsesses over this person—reads their texts constantly, only writes songs about this one person/only wants this one person CANT MOVE ON IF WE’RE STILL GONNA TALK/IM GOOD AT KEEPING MY DISTANCE/EVERYTHING MEANS NOTHING IF I CANT HAVE YOU—this song screams in love with his friend he hooks up with ALSO its co -written with the same two people he wrote Why with

 Niall:  HEARTBREAK WEATHER 2020

SUMMARY: (keep in mind that niall said to listen to this album start to finsh to “feel the storyline”)

Niall is in love with this person and wants to be with them forever but the other person pulls away. They both see other people but niall can’t get over them. In the meantime, they continue to hook up with each other but niall can’t change the fact that he loves this person. He finally comes to the conclusion that he wants to be with them and asks them to take him back because he’s still in love with them. This album really feels like it tells the whole story of niall and shawn’s relationship start to finish.

Heartbreak weather: niall feels happy/content with this person

Black and White:  IN ALL YOUR GORGEOUS COLORS/ I WANT THE WORLD TO WITNESS WHEN WE FINALLY SAY I DO—promises that he’ll never love anyone else, pictures them together when they’re old

Dear patience: trying to tell this person how he really feels/is nervous but needs to say how he feels

Bend the rules: worried this person is seeing someone else, is worried/upset and misses them, feels crazy

Small talk: Hooks up with someone else SHE’S NOT MY BABY SHE’S GOT THE WRONG CRAZY

Nice to meet ya: Meets someone new, wants to take them out

Put a little love on me: thinks about this person, wonders what they’re doing/ how they are -- ARE YOUR TEARS FALLING DOWN WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW ANOTHER FRIDAY NIGHT TRYNA PUT ON A SHOW (shawn playing concerts/ being sad about niall in between performances) WE WROTE AND WE WROTE TILL THERE WERE NO MORE WORDS (both writing songs about each other) heartbroken about not being with person

Arms of a stranger: he was in love with this person and they left him with nothing, he’s “in the arms of a stranger but why do I think of you?”

Everywhere: Tried to forget about this person but sees them everywhere

Cross your mind: ITS YOUR SHOW IM JUST WATCHING IT/ IF YOU LEAVE AND DON’T COME BACK TOMORROW AT LEAST YOU CAME TONIGHT – friend with benefit—knows this person sees others and believes this person doesn’t know how much they affect him—loves this person anyway, person says they love them too but he doesn’t know how serious they are

New angel: is always thinking about this person and is looking for a distraction TO SAVE ME FROM MYSELF I NEED A NEW ANGEL—hopes this new angel will help him forget the other person

No judgement: (makes me think of since we’re alone and fire away) will not judge this person and is here for them/ I GET US BREAKFAST IN THE MORNING OR YOU CAN SLIP OUT IN THE NIGHT/ EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T TALK FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS ITS LIKE WE DIDN’T LOSE ANY TIME I CAN BE YOUR LOVER OR YOUR SHOULDER TO CRY ON/ I HOPE WE NEVER CHANGE EVEN THOUGH WE’LL BOTH MOVE ON AGAIN ILL KEEP YOUR SECRET SAFE TILL WE FIND OURSELVES ALONE AGAIN—he obviously has a lot of history with this person and knows things about them, is always there for them, they may not see each other all the time (on again off again) but they always love each other and come back to one another

San Fransisco: wants to be with this person but thinks they can’t last—makes up his mind to be with this person and asks them to take him back/ SAY IM DONE RUNNING FROM THE ONE I WANT SO BAD

Still: Niall is sorry for what he has done but wants to make it work with this person, he is still in love with them/they have been through a lot and broken up but have come so far and IF HONESTY MEANS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH WELL IM STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU/ tells them it’ll be alright

 SHAWN MENDES VS HEARTBREAK WEATHER

On each album they sing about becoming friends with benefits with someone they love. They both try to move on and see other people but only ever think about each other. They both come to the conclusion that they want to be with each other despite all the hard times they have been through.

*Extra side note: Teddy Geiger co-wrote almost every song on illuminate and shawn mendes and now co wrote a few songs on heartbreak weather. also, niall and shawn have the same group of people (different groups of people for each of them) that they write songs with on their albums which makes me think that these people know the storylines and are people they trust/maybe confide in. 

[plasticflowering]

Ranking Every ONEUS Song Because I Have Opinions

I guess it’s time for me to embark upon this task. Come along for the ride if you’re so inclined. 

This is by no means a definitive ranking, because that’s impossible and the consumption of music is an intrinsically personal experience. But I personally like ranking things for arbitrary reasons.

Each song is ranked in order, and within those rankings I’ve assigned Tiers. Enjoy.

Note: this includes only studio tracks officially released by RBW or KissEnt, which means I’m sadly not including the Road to Kingdom songs. Actually, wait, you wanna know what? The real reason I’m not including Road to Kingdom songs is because I’m still salty that my favorite song from that show is one that didn’t get a studio release. Justice for Warrior’s Descendant. 

Let’s begin. 

I’ll start things off with the top tier, the best of the best, my absolute favorite ONEUS songs. Now what should I name a tier that represents the pinnacle of what ONEUS can offer us? 

Black-Haired Seoho Tier  

1. “Valkyrie”

This song goes places. It's the one that made me fall in love with ONEUS and it's still my favorite, oops.

2. “Blue Sky”

"Blue Sky” defies genre to me. The first time I heard it, I was blown away. It has some of my favorite vocals AND two of my favorite raps in their discography - I love Leedo and Ravn's "ballad raps" in general but this is my favorite.

3. “BingBing”

So full of personality. Such an earworm. Emotional and kinda unsetlling lyrics. Xion speaking French? OKAY. It's title track worthy, for sure, so it's a shame it gets so overlooked by casual listeners. I’m glad the fanbase has at least given it the legendary status it deserves. 

4. “Lost”

Was not expecting this one to enter my top ten with turbo boosters, but I started to listen to it a lot last year and in the process I started to feel things for this song that I previously have only felt for “Blue Sky”

5. “Plastic Flower”

It me.

6. “Rewind"

It’s all about the synth hook, to me. I am pathetically manipulable where good synth hooks are concerned. Also, the cadence and arrangement of this song reminds me of “Lost” and that’s never a bad thing.

7. “Dizzy” 

I just feel like this is where they all shine as a vocal ensemble. Their personalities shine through in Dizzy, and I'm a sucker for that emotive sort of performing. 

8. “Incomplete"

Right in a row here, you’ve got two sets of “my favorite song on the album” followed by “what I believe to be the best song on the album”. “Incomplete” is the best song on “DEVIL”. The lyrics are amazing and, this may sound weird, but as a Human in Their Thirties the lyrics hit even harder. Bonus points for guitar, as always.

9. “Dead or Alive” 

I’ll never get over how strange and wonderful this song is, and yes I do believe it’s the best song on “LIVED”. (Vee shouts through a megaphone again about how “Dead or Alive” incorporates musical themes or lyrical elements from every other song on “LIVED” and hopes someone listens). Also (vee voice) guitars.

10. “Lit”

“Lit” just rules and I don’t believe there’s much I can add that has not already been said about it 

Leedo Face Scrunch Tier 

Now for those songs that are still my favorites, and make the world an immensely better place for existing, but don’t quite crack the ultimate ONEUS songs pantheon. 

11. “No Diggity”

I'm a simple person, okay? I love bright and poppy songs but I'm also weak for unapologetic bangers, and "No Diggity" is an UNAPOLOGETIC BANGER. I think the guitars are (unsurprisingly) what takes this song to the next level for me. The arrangement in general is so impressive, and it’s obvious that they balanced it well to make use of all the members’ individual strengths. RIP my bias though.

12. “Crazy & Crazy”

The "Crazy & Crazy" appreciator has logged on! When Ravn said "hakuna matata 원하면 이뤄져 bibbidi-bobbidi-BOO", I felt that!!! If I ever get to go to a ONEUS concert and god forbid meet any of you there, I cannot be held responsible for how HAM I will go during this song. 

13. “Hide and Seek”

I’m weak for this funky little bass-driven bop. 

14. “Red Thread”

I don’t ever feel like I truly have gone in hard for a group until I start proselytizing their ballads to my unsuspecting friends. Ballads have a high barrier of entry in K-Pop especially, but my god!! MY GOD!!! This is a god-tier ballad. 

15. “808″

They threw every single synth possible at the wall with “808″ and it absolutely sends me with how well it works. It’s undeniably “a Japanese single,” if you know what I mean, but even with that I think it’s one of their strongest title tracks. The chorus is endlessly singable, too, and that means a lot to me while I’m listening to it while doing the dishes, which I do a lot.

16. “Leftover”

I believe that Seoho and Ravn team songwriting will save our souls, and this song is one more reason to do so. I love that their songs aren’t just straight-up R&B (not that I don’t love R&B), and that there’s something very playful and unique about them. 

17. “Zig Zag”

I’ll never forget you, “Zig Zag,” or the way Keonhee absolutely owns your vocals. In fact, if I had to assign an image song to every member I would most likely assign “Zig Zag” to Keonhee.  18. “Lion Heart"

As far as “weird little song” vibes go, “Lion Heart” really wins. Has undoubtedly one of the weirdest moments in any ONEUS song in the first post-chorus, and I’ll never shut up about the implied lore associations. 

19. “Hero” 

In every ToMoon's life, there is that indelible moment when they first heard Seoho's pre-pre-chorus vocals on "Hero" and suddenly realized so much about life and love and the nature of miracles. And, less dramatically, I love a good rap that uses the word biscuit.

Road to Kingdom Era Xion Tier 

I became a Xion bias in Road to Kingdom era, so this is not meant disparagingly. These are those songs that show so much promise and goodness, and make me love them, but are kind of an acquired taste so to speak. 

20, “BBUSYEO”

I always love BBUSYEO when it shuffles up, but I never like... seek it out, you know? Even if it is a bop. It’s just a silly little hetero love song that includes toilet humor, and it goes. I love that for it! 

21. “Come Back Home”

It's all about the build up here. This song has such a beautiful arrangement that builds to something, dare I say, epic. Good background music for taking a dramatic walk when it’s like, -this- close to raining. 

22. “To Be Or Not To Be”

This song works in the context of ONEUS mythology and lore but I tend not to really put it on my playlists if I'm simply wanting to experience an emotion or bust out some fun jams. It is a very strange time signature for a jam, but it’s too up-tempo to really be a mood setter. 

23. “Intro: Time"

This intro is like... beautiful, but also kind of slutty, and I love that?

24. “A Song Written Easily”

It's good! It's fun! I really like it, I think it's lovely. But it’s not a song I’m going to rec to a friend and assume it will give them an adequate view of what ONEUS is. If anything I’d expect they’d just be like “that was really fun, but it just makes me want to listen to Blood Sweat & Tears.” “and I’d go “yeah me too.”

25. “Twilight” 

I overplayed the fuck out of this song when I was first getting into ONEUS, so forgive me for ranking it low. Also, there is a high barrier of entry here for casual listeners even if it is a classic. Do you ever really think about how weird “Twilight” is? Like, the song structure? It’s very weird. I love it. 

26. “Stand By”

I decided to make "Stand By" my charity case after seeing a few people dismiss it as their least favorite off Fly With Us, and I wound up loving it so much. That bridge is crazy good! Vocal line  blessing us. 

27. “Intro: Fly Me to the Moon”

As far as intros go, this is god tier honestly. But it's still only an intro, and I always feel cheated out of a beautiful full song when I hear this. Like, even for an INTRO it feels short. 

My Complicated Feelings About A Thousand Stars Tier

28. “A Thousand Stars”

I just made an entirely separate post about this. 

That Overenthusiastic Thicc Ssam Ravn Made for Seoho That One Time Tier

Like, there’s a lot here. I like all the parts individually but something about them just doesn’t go down easily. 

29. “Youth”

I’ll be honest, I love “Youth” and I think it’s an absolutely beautiful song with a great hook. I’m just firmly out of the demographic for it at this point and that’s a bit alienating. It’s also weak compared to other songs on “DEVIL”

30. “Intro: Devil is in the Details”

It’s a great intro that does some ambitious things, but on its own it doesn’t hold up as well. Intimidating. 

31. “Intro: Lived”

I love Leedo and Ravn, but I don't like how this one opens. That said, I love the way this ends. 

32. “White Night”

The fact that I had to rank this so low, when it's such a gorgeous ballad, drives home how many pure bangers ONEUS has. I love this song, but I don't really jam out to it, so it's lower in my ranking. 

33. “What you doing?”

Please don’t judge me too harshly for this. I just feel like this song could have been performed by another group and there would have been no appreciable difference. I like Cosmik’s songs, but they’re not, in my opinion. the most ONEUS of the ONEUS songs. Which is weird since Cosmik is a bit synonymous with ONEUS. Anyway Keonhee sounds great in this song.

34. “Now”

Same as above, but this one has the added problem of never really going anywhere. That said, the bridge slaps. 

35. “Airplane”

I guess one of the proper tracks on Lived had to rank low, and for me it's definitely Airplane. When I listen to it, I have fun, but it's very... how do I put this nicely? Generic. The stages elevated it, absolutely, and otherwise it might rank even lower sadly.

36. “I.P.U.”

I don’t know how to put this nicely, but the only way I want to listen to this song is if ONEUS is singing it in concert, at which point I can imagine it being very emotional. It’s a special song for special occasions and I’m not going to listen to it to have fun. 

37. “Outro: Connect with US”

You’d think I’d love the government-assigned SeoJo song, wouldn’t you? I mean, it’s okay. 

38. “Eye Contact” 

By the time this song hits the chorus, it always gets me and I love it. But the verses leave something to be desired imo. It is firmly a mid-tier song to me, and I feel like this particular musical formula was much better in “Now.” Also please don’t make eye contact with me I have social anxiety. 

ZigZag’s Cursed Live Audio Tier

Unfortunate.

39. “Level Up”

WHY is this song so low??? Every time I hear it start I get so hyped up, but I feel like it never delivers on that hype fully. It feels too mid-tempo and generic for what the mix promises. I don't know. I can't explain it. The bridge doesn't lead up to much and that always feels like a betrayal. And because it has so much potential I’m even more disappointed about that.

40. “Intro: Light Us”

I have absolutely no opinion about this intro

41. “English Girl”

I’m way too queer and old for this song. :/ 

42. “In My Arms”

I don't feel their personalities at all in this song, which makes it stand out from almost all their other tracks. It just doesn't sound like a ONEUS song, to me.

43. “Kiseki”

A rare song that I skip when shuffling through the ONEUS discography

44. “Koisii”

The other rare song I skip when shuffling through the ONEUS discography, but also I would fight it if given the opportunity. 

[sophieellisbextorarchives]

Lockdown's dancing queen: Sophie Ellis Bextor explains how she's survived with five sons while performing web concerts from her kitchen - and owes her life to the NHS after almost dying during childbirth

SOURCE: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8371137/Sophie-Ellis-Bextor-talks-surviving-lockdown-five-sons-performing-concerts-kitchen.html

Any mother of five who is still sane after two-and-a-half months of lockdown will surely have some survival tips for the rest of us. And Sophie Ellis-Bextor does indeed have advice.

Come Friday night, when the textbooks have been flung in a corner and you've finished screeching at the kids, you should dig out your heels and put on your sparkliest hot pants, she says.

'If you don't own a sequined one-piece, you should get one,' the singer insists. 'They make you feel like a disco superhero!'

She would also recommend a glitterball to hang in the kitchen. It will distract from the dirty dishes, she says.

Tidying the kitchen is optional, though: 'I do try to but if there's the odd dish in the sink, who cares?'

When the history of the great British lockdown is written, there will be villains (take a bow, Dominic Cummings) and heroes.

And Sophie Ellis-Bextor will surely be in line for a medal, for services to the national dancefloor (kitchen disco division).

Every Friday night for ten weeks she has donned her own glad rags and, via the magic of social media, invited us all to a disco round at hers.

She has been in charge of the mic, singing her own hits (with tweaks) and cover versions of some of her other favourites (speaking of favourite things, she even does a mean Julie Andrews).

Each week she has changed the lyrics of one of her biggest hits, Take Me Home, to the lockdown-friendly Stay At Home. We cheered. We heeded. 'Well, most people did,' she says.

Lots of entertainers have been doing their stuff in lockdown. Few of them have done so with five children in tow, though, and with such pizzazz.

You'd never guess it from the size of her waist but 41-year-old Sophie — whose mother is former Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis — has five sons, aged from 16 down to 16 months. Her family life has never really been a part of her work.

But at the start of lockdown, something changed and she decided to stop being so precious about the work/home life divide.

'I've always been quite private, never showing the kids' faces, that sort of thing,' she says.

'But suddenly it all felt totally irrelevant. I just had this desire to sort of connect with people, to have fun and do something that just distracted us all — and for me, as an entertainer, that meant getting up and putting on a show.

'If it was going to be a show in my own house, the kids had to be involved as we're all locked down together. That overwhelmed any other emotion, really.

'I said to them, 'We're going to have a party. Do you want to come? What do you want to wear?'

'We pulled out all manner of sequined things we already had. They got out costumes, hats, whatever. There were no rules. They could be in their pyjamas if they wanted, because they often are.

'At the end of the first one, I remember making a joke like, 'This could be the end of my career.' '

In another time, it could have been. What too-cool-for-school singer sashays around the Lego, for goodness' sake? And what pop star hoicks a baby onto her hip, limbos around the lightsabers or attempts some sexy strutting when there is a pint-sized Superman in the way?

'It has been quite surreal, hasn't it?' she says with a laugh. 'But this whole situation is surreal, so I guess it has been fitting.

'We've had all sorts — the kids joining in, or sitting there bored with it all as I dance around them. We've had the baby crawling across the floor, trying to pull the plug out of the router. It's not stuff you normally have to contend with when you go on stage.'

And the performances have been all the more magical for it, I suggest. Her kitchen discos have been in keeping with the national mood, which lurches between delirium and despair and involves much trying to get on with the day job, with the kids at our feet.

All our kids are represented in hers, too. There is Sonny, 16 and a typical teenager, who mostly rolls his eyes at the idea of being in his mum's disco 'but actually he's invaluable because he helps with the baby so I can relax'.

Kit, 11, has 'kind of dipped in and out of the discos. He has missed a few. Sometimes he'd just rather do something else'.

Ray, eight, and Jesse, four, are generally game for anything — but if the children all join in at the same time, while wearing masks, the potential for chaos is high.

Last is baby Mickey, who likes to reach for bright lights. And cables. And sparkly shoes.

'I think what has kept some people tuning in is the music, but others are only watching to see if any of my kids injure themselves,' Sophie says.

People may also be tuning in to see her game attempts at making the most inappropriate songs kid-friendly. Her new repertoire includes the highly suggestive Prince song Gett Off. If the kids ask, it's a song about getting off the climbing frame, she explains.

When we speak, Sophie is preparing for — sob! — the last lockdown disco. Kitchen Disco No 10 will finish with a rousing rendition of the Madness hit Our House, which contains the lines 'Our house it has a crowd/ There's always something happening/ And it's usually quite loud'.

How apt. That sums up family life in all its messy glory.

It will be the end of a very weird chapter for Sophie.

'We could keep going but I'm getting the feeling that lockdown is being eased. There is a different feel, so it's time to stop. Although I'm bad at saying 'never again'.'

It has been a blast — and Sophie admits she has benefited herself.

'The discos have done my soul and my spirit the world of good. I've always turned to music anyway when anything has been happening in my life, good or bad, but I don't know what shape the past few months would have taken without this outlet.

'I've been doing cover versions of songs and they have all basically been like love letters to people I can't see any more.'

Lockdown came earlier for this household than for most of us. One of the children showed symptoms even before the schools closed, so they all isolated early.

That Sophie's stepfather — Janet's husband, John Leach — was having chemotherapy as part of his cancer treatment made the situation even more serious.

They are a close family. Janet, who lives only a few streets away in West London, is used to popping in and out, and provides childcare once a week. Any contact at all between them stopped overnight, as it did for so many families.

'I haven't hugged my mum since I don't remember when,' Sophie says. 'They couldn't leave their house at all at the beginning, so it was a case of leaving some groceries on the doorstep. My stepfather has Stage Four lung cancer and was in the middle of chemo, which had to stop.

'Now, thankfully, it has restarted but it has been a terrible time — devastating, really. For so many families the world has just tilted.' The older children understand why they can't see their grandparents, the little ones less so.

This is a united family (Sophie's mum split from her father, film and television producer Robin Bextor, but they are all on good terms), yet not necessarily one that ever did things by the rulebook.

Many will recall the furore when Janet — then the nation's darling, as many Blue Peter presenters were — fell pregnant with Sophie's brother Jackson. She was unmarried at the time and it was a national scandal.

It sounds as if Janet was the sort of mother Sophie has become — old-fashioned about some things (table manners, eating together) but more relaxed about others. And Mum having a slightly crazy day job was par for the course.

'I remember going with her when she did a skydive. She was in the Guinness Book of Records at one point for the highest-altitude jump for a female. At the time it was just normal.'

Janet didn't mind when Sophie decided she would not go to university because she wanted to join a band. 'Many parents would have said, 'No, we have paid for this private education. You will go,' but they never did. They were completely supportive.'

And of course, it worked out. Sophie started to get attention in the industry in the Nineties with indie band Theaudience — but in 2000 her career went mainstream thanks to a feature spot on the song Groovejet (If This Ain't Love) by Spiller.

Further hits followed. Then, in 2013, she went even more mainstream, signing up for Strictly Come Dancing. Her Charleston was a thing of wonder but she lost in the final to Abbey Clancy.

She knew her husband, The Feeling bassist Richard Jones, for a year before they started dating. When they did, it was something of a whirlwind and she discovered she was pregnant within weeks.

'Sonny was premature, so he was actually born eight months after we got together. Weird maths.'

Then, finding that it was rather fun, they kept having children. 'In a way I think it sort of set the tone, having Sonny so early. We've never really known what it is to be just the two of us.'

Juggling a pop career with five children can't have been easy, but her laid-back approach must help.

Some aspects of her parenting style have come in handy in lockdown, she says. 'I try to get up and dressed myself, but I'm not bothered if they want to stay in their pyjamas,' she admits.

Other aspects of lockdown have been hard. She admits she is not a natural home schooler.

'With five, it has been really difficult keeping up with the school stuff. I think their teachers do a brilliant job and I can't compare.

'At the start I did try hard, but to be honest I was feeling a lot of pressure to be running the home and making them emotionally happy. I quit quite early, realising it was making me really tense and really unhappy.

'We've kept the eldest two doing more formal work (Sonny is in his GCSE year, she explains) but with the little ones it's more about projects they can do.'

She says it isn't practical — or even desirable — to turn their home into a school. 'I'm hoping that home is where they learn to interact with each other, where they learn how to be happy, how to be kind.'

They have all been clapping on the doorstep on a Thursday night, too, aware of the debt they owe the NHS.

Sophie's life was saved by doctors when she suffered from complications during her first two pregnancies and gave birth prematurely both times. Kit weighed just 2 lb 6 oz.

'Anyone who has ever had a loved one's life in the hands of hospital staff knows what it is to feel that gratitude,' Sophie says.

'If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here and neither would my first two.

'I'll never forget their faces, the doctors and nurses who treated us in the neonatal unit. You don't, because you owe them everything.'

To be a singer in this climate is perhaps to feel a little superfluous, but Sophie says the only things she can do are sing and dance. The reaction from the wider world to her 'little discos' has been heartwarming.

'If you can make people smile and laugh at how daft it all is, then you make a connection that is actually quite special.'

We are getting all wistful now, when I suggest that her sons will grow up knowing they were a part of something magical. She laughs.

'They are more likely to roll their eyes at their crazy mum dancing around and tell me to keep the noise down!'

[talesofafangirlwithadvr]

MARCH PICKS!!!

Life has gotten VERY crazy over the past couple of weeks (it feels more like months-time is irrelevant now). To escape watching the news again and again I have turned to TV and movies now more than ever. While some of these I watched at the start of the month, when life felt more normal, more have been added since “social distancing” and quarantine. But these are my top choices for the month overall. Some will seem familiar from my top Quarantine picks (check out that article if you’d like here) and that’s because many have been my recent watches. 

Spoilers ahead!

LOCKE AND KEY

I cannot stop talking about this show. It is no way similar to this, but I feel like I have not loved a Netflix show like this since Derry Girls last year. This is the show I keep asking people if they have watched it and telling them to if they haven’t. So you should watch this show :)

Locke and Key follows the Locke family as they travel to their father’s ancestral estate after his tragic death. It is their mother’s idea and the three Locke siblings don’t want to leave their home in Seattle and find it tough accumulating to their new home and school. The youngest son, Body, is the first to hear these magical keys that lead to the larger mystery of this story. When I finished watching I had to quickly jot down my notes on the show. I am so happy that I looked at Netflix’s Top 10 list to decide what to watch next. I got hooked easily and while certain characters had annoying moments, in the end I really liked them and cannot wait to see how the story progresses in season 2. SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS...... I knew Ellie was going to be “Dodge” in the last episode when she got thrown through the door. It was just too easy. There was still like 20 minutes of the show left and then when she yelled out Tyler. It just felt right, but I was not expecting Gabe to be the 3rd personality! This echo really knows how to manipulate people. And now Eden too! 

The idea of having magical keys and the different powers for each was really creative and something I would have never thought about. Lots of people have compared it to Stranger Things, Narnia and Stephen King novels, and while those are somewhat accurate there is so much more to it. Must check it out for yourself!  

ONWARD

Before movie theaters closed (here in New York) I was lucky to see Onward in theaters. Even though I’ve already seen it, I am still very excited that it will be released to Disney Plus in a couple of weeks (days?) and is already available to buy digitally. 

Disney/Pixar had me guessing what this would be about for a while (like they usually do with their teaser trailers). But the more this was advertised, the more I got intrigued. It was a very cute film about the importance of family. Not just father and son, but also the bond of brothers. It took a slight turn I didn’t think we’d be taking, but am happy to see represented on the screen. I love all the moments the Dad did walking around (only a bottom half). It was pretty funny, especially when he had his top half on. I liked how they used a leash to keep track of him and how they communicated with him by tapping his feet. I think my favorite was the dancing though.  Super realistic with the whole driving thing and getting on the freeway. (When Barley says something about never being ready it felt very accurate.) I wish their dad could hear them though. I understand why he couldn’t, but still it would have been nice considering the ending. Loved the MOM POWER! She was fantastic. I loved her duo with the Manticore. I also liked how realistic it felt, well despite not having mystical creatures in our world. I liked how they focused on beings taking the easy way out and losing a piece of yourself and your history. I wish I could experience a quest like that.  

THE LODGE SEASON 2

The Lodge is a Disney Channel UK show that I was lucky to watch the first season of back in 2016 or 2017 (it’s so long ago I can’t remember). I kept trying to find the second season after it didn’t air on our Disney Channel, but had no luck. That is until Disney Plus. It wasn’t one of the first shows to air on the streaming service, but since coming out in November, the 2 season Coming of Age Musical Tween show is FINALLY available. I was thrilled! (If you can’t already tell.)

Naturally I started by re-watching the 10 episode first season. Each episode is about 25 minutes long, so it was a fast watch. I forgot how well I knew the story-lines and overall plot. For those unfamiliar with the show, the first season follows Skye Hart who is traveling back to the countryside with her dad, Ed to work (and own) the family’s hotel called the Lodge. Her grandad has been managing it for years and needs some help. Also after the recent passing of Skye’s mum it is nice for them to head back to somewhere that was so special to her. (This seems to be a common thread this month. Compared to Locke and Key this is a lot brighter.) Of course, the Lodge is experiencing some money problems so they have to solve that issue and fast because one guy in particular wants to buy it and create a luxurious spa resort (classic bad guy stuff). Skye winds up being the star of a reality TV show called My Amazing Life, which brings the publicity, but more drama than she intended. The show is filled with the classic teen drama: from love triangles to secrets and there’s also a mystery plot involving her mom and a mysterious man with the initials SJ. A bonus is the musical component. In true musical form the songs are often performed in the moment when a character is feeling sad or happy, but there are also concert performances on the show as well. Some of the songs are quite good and ones that I can’t get out of my head. 

SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2

So, I definitely enjoyed the first season more than the second. Part of that was due to the plot. Obviously the Lodge was still not 100% solid, but I wanted to move past the money problems of the first season and explore some other stuff. (I don’t know what, but something else.) I also felt it was slower moving. While the episodes are about 25 minutes there isn’t much time to work with, but it often felt like we were still looking on a clue or hurtle for longer amounts of time then needed. I didn’t love the songs as much. Now as I am listening to some of them back I am liking more, but overall I thought season 1′s soundtrack was better. A lot of these songs sounded a like. I liked whenever Kaylee sang, but honestly thought she was singing the same song in a different version (now I know there’s about 3 different songs). Too much techno was used and lots of choreographed dancing that was at times strange. My biggest complaint was that Skye chose Sean over Ben, which was her biggest mistake. Throughout the season you could still see their chemistry in the looks they gave or moments that were said. (Her dad was the BIGGEST Team Ben fan.) But she only discovered it at the end when he was already with Danielle (wasn’t a fan of that ship either because of the way they rushed it). Even though there’s no season 3 (and it’s been years so it’s not coming) I will believe Skye and Ben are endgame. Because just look at them... 

Adorable. 

EMMA

Another one that the more I saw it advertised and read reviews, the more I wanted to watch it. I saw this in theaters after Onward, but just before major social distancing started. There were 5 of us total in the theater, which made it feel like out own personal home theater. Loved this movie a lot more than I thought I would. It paid homage to the novel really well as well as previous adaptations that came before it, yet still was recognizable as its own re-telling. For a full review check out my article: REVIEW EMMA (2020).

NANCY DREW

In the past few weeks (few episodes, actually) I have done a complete 360 with my opinion on the CW’s Nancy Drew. In this first season I was immediately intrigued to enter the mystery and explore a CW show without superheroes (which I honestly do love, but I like how the CW is expanding their shows again). In the fall I kept tuning in for new episodes, but as the season went on they would pile up on the DVR more. My main problem was the supernatural element. I didn’t understand why they had to have ghosts be real in this world. I wanted a classic mystery (I guess in the same vein as Scooby Doo, where the murderers were real people rather than a mystical entity). I started to get used to this element, but I didn’t love it. (This was the time when we had a lot of heavy supernatural material and possessions, etc.) My DVR didn’t tape episode 12, so I watched it through a YouTube review before watching the next one (you can see how much I cared then--now I would have opened the app and watched the episode for sure). The next episode was the Whisper Box, which was great, but it wasn’t until episode 14 that I truly fell in love with this show (and started to watch the episodes the day of). Part of it is definitely that I got used to the style of the show and also that parts of the mystery are starting to wrap up, but what I’m noticing is my main reason is Ace. His character continues to get more screen time and we continue to learn more about his life with every episode. I loved meeting his dad and seeing their relationship. His detective skills combined with Nancy are my favorite part about this show and I ship them so much now. He brings a humor to this show like saying he has enemies at the library. Nancy and Ace’s looks to each other as they read Lucy and Ryan’s emails while at the library. OMG the chemistry! If the writers don’t act on this relationship in later seasons, I don’t know what they are doing with themselves. It’s right there and yet Nancy has two other love interests right now. There’s been so many other things in the last few episodes and I am dying for this show to come back this upcoming week.  

I need more of these moments!!

PARTY OF FIVE

At the start of this month I had done a much better job watching this show and since then I haven’t been as good. I think I still have 5 or 6 episodes left, but I know it ended almost a month ago by now, so I will be able to catch up! I was familiar with the original Party of Five from the 90s and had wanted to watch that show for a while now, but due to the amount of seasons I hadn’t gotten around to it. So, once I heard this one was airing I was really excited to give it a chance. I like that it’s by the same creators as the first season and I can’t explain it, but I was really happy to see the iconic font with the title card. This show is so relevant for our current society. It addresses so many of the issues we face with the government today. Instead of having their parents die in a car crash like the original series, here they are deported which brings a whole other side to the story line. I like how we get to see the kids deal with them being away and the hope to live with them again while also seeing their current conversations. There’s so much drama and I am just hoping for some lightness at the end of this season because these characters deserve it! 

[vixx-ficz]

CRI: 1

ⓜⓐⓢⓣⓔⓡⓛⓘⓢⓣ

Genre: heir! hyuk (han sanghyuk)

Pairing: han sanghyuk x female oc

Summary: Han Sanghyuk goes by many titles in his life; he’s a son, a brother, a child, a teenager, VIXX’s maknae Hyuk or the heir of the multi-billion company HGOC, or maybe Han Sanghyuk, next head of the Han household.He was set to take the position as soon as he would be able to release a heir from the arranged marriage, but when things turn for the worst the household and company have no else to rely on but him. It was either the death of the company his forefathers have spent their lives on to build or ruin his group’s career.Some say being a crazy rich asian was interesting, but being a crazy rich idol can’t help but peek our interest.

Words: 1.5k

Chapters: 2

1: The Han Family

Some call them aristocratic, some called them bourgeois and others called them elites, the selected few of a society. Those words— none of them could deny, but they didn’t wake up one day to all the wealth they have, it has been generations of blood, sweat and tears. The Han was famous for many things, they were famous for their hotels and restaurants, hospitals, and export of Korean products. The increase of the Hallyu wave brought them even larger incomes, soon enough they became the biggest exporters of Kpop albums and merchandise. However, they were famous for another thing, it was a grand land only for the household members. THe lots were filled with mansions big, wide and expensive. The lot, big enough to house a neighborhood in Seoul, was called The Villas. 

At the center of the villas was a house bigger and more grandouise than any other house found in the area. It stood in its yellowish white glory. The pillars were big and broad, the rooms were palace-like, each individual room was huge enough to be called a master’s suite. 

In this house stayed the head of the family, the CEO of the company and owner of the huge enterprise. The position has been passed down to the male heirs who carry the Han last name in order to honor the name Han group of companies. Likewise, the current head was named Han Sungjin, a man in his early 40’s that was not only the head of this company, but is considered as the richest man in Korea. A man both adored and feared for his work style, he was a monster— a monster tycoon. 

“Opening an airline isn’t a trip to the park, you do realize that?” Sungjin’s hands were stuck together as he straightened his back as all the board members were sitting in the conference room of the HGOC headquarters. 

“We never said it was easy, we’re saying it’s a smart move!” a woman whose hair was slowly turning gray day by day gives the younger man a glare. She wasn’t the CEO, but she was held just as highly as he was, her name was Han Hyebin, Sungjin’s older sister.

“It is the most logical step after the success with our overseas shipping company, sir.” The man roughly 30 years old still regarded Sungjin with respect even if he grew up running inside the main house with him. The man then pulls up his sleeves as he gently bows his head, the light brown hair falls to his face. Yoo Jiho had the exact same hair color as his mother’s. Han Hyebin.

“I want to hear your opinion” Sungjin turns towards the barely young adult beside him. He was quietly tilting his head from side to side as he listened to the elders banter amongst themselves. His eyes grow wide in shock, he tries to open his mouth a few times before taking a deep breath. 

“If we are to continue to venture into the market, what kind of services will we offer, will we be like Emirates where they offer luxury or would it be budget? Which of the two is more likely to gain our expenses and by how much?” he turns to look at the presenter. The presenter was a non-Han member, he wanted to create another company under Han in order for him to lead the company under the financial help of Han.

The presenter stays quiet, he fidgets around his papers trying to look for the non-existent data that he needed. “Another question, why should we open our own airline when we could just buy one that’s already existing?” the young adult sits up straight while his expression remains stoic. 

The presenter’s eyes went shaky and Sungjin immediately noticed this. “If you aren’t prepared to answer these questions we should end this meeting right now, I don’t want to waste my time,” Sungjin was cruel when it came to time and he wasn’t enjoying the fact that he was wasting it with a presenter who did not do his research at all. 

Once Sungjin stood up, all the members of the family followed suit. It was an unspoken rule that when one of the heads of the company leaves, especially the CEO, the executive committee meeting is over. People could only bow their heads as they all walked past, they were cold, but commendable people. Their eyes stabbed daggers, but they would never turn their backs on someone who needs their help.

“Sanghyuk!” Jiho runs to walk beside his younger cousin. Sanghyuk, who often had a stoic face in the office, gives his cousin a small smile. 

“You really resemble your father sometimes,” Jiho couldn’t believe that what had happened was Sanghyuk’s first executive committee meeting. The young boy could only shyly smile, the hours he spent listening to his father’s lectures and teaching him what was needed for a business venture to succeed all boiled down to this opportunity. “You really are next to succeed that throne huh?” 

Sanghyuk slightly flinched at the way he called it. There was truth in the way Jiho called it out, they were more like an empire rather than a business, CEOs were already assigned even before they were born. They were like royalties with an elaborate system that they were not allowed to defer from; a prison dressed in luxury.

“However, the next CEO can not be dilly dallying with some idol stuff,” Hyebin was not the type of person to show her disappointment towards the next heir. 

“Noona!” The way Sungjin glared at his older sister made the whole group shut up. 

Hyebin raised her head higher and quickened her walking pace, until she was the first inside the elevator and out of Han headquarters. Sungjin turned the corner and entered his room, his son followed behind closely. The several other members of Han proceeded to return to their own offices.

“I’m guessing you have to leave” Sungjin hasn’t even sat down when he addressed his son whose table sat in his office. 

Sanghyuk only bowed his head. “I have practices today. The concert that I’ve mentioned, I’ll be preparing for it,” he looks up to his father, who is now sitting down on his office chair. 

“Alright!” Sungjin takes a deep breath. “Make sure you give it everything you’ve got, your sister and I will be watching.” Sungjin gives his son a small smile before sending him off. 

Sanghyuk leaves Han headquarters that sat in Seoul’s business district down to his company agency. The small scale building stood nowhere in comparison to Han headquarters, it was a small building with the number of employees being somewhere around a thousand, only. It was a small business compared to what he ran, but due to circumstances, he has not revealed his identity except for their CEO who recognized him as soon as he auditioned for the company. 

The small building, although nothing like the one’s his family owned, felt like a place where he could be himself, an escape from his prison cell. As soon as he opened the door to the practice room everyone was heavily breathing, a thin fog was beginning to form on the mirrors even with an air conditioner running. 

“He’s here!” the dance teacher calls out and every person turns their heads towards him. 

It wasn’t uncommon for Sanghyuk to arrive later than everyone else. The eighteen year old was in his last year of high school, thus he always came late for practice. However, little is known about where he goes to school. The members have never seen Sanghyuk wearing his uniform. He would leave the dorms extra early to return to his family home and wear his uniform there. He said that it was because his family home was much closer to where his school was, which was not entirely a lie.

“How was school?” Ken, one of his members, approached the youngest member.

“It was the same, you know, they teach; you sleep,” Sanghyuk puts his bag down before taking off the sweater he had on. The room was too humid and hot to be wearing something that thick inside. 

“Well get your body warmed up and then join us when you’re ready!” The leader, Hakyeon instructs the youngest members.

It was a bit later that Sanghyuk joined the group. The amount of choreography he had to master and lyrics he has to remember was greater than his members, this was the price of being late. He was a boy smarter than people his age, but he lacked in terms of what he was passionate for. He wasn’t exactly the perfect idol material, unlike his members, he wasn’t as talented as they were in singing and he wasn’t as great as a dancer his members were. However, he was persistent. His persistence is a result of the constant reminder that his ancestors built their empire on pure blood, sweat, tears and luck. Since he was old enough to remember, his grandfather, the late Han Juyeon, told him stories of how his grandfather, Sihyuk, the founder of Han group of companies, suffered in poverty. The war stricken nation and his family not being of any power, every head and heir carried that image of hardship that their ancestors went through.

ⓜⓐⓢⓣⓔⓡⓛⓘⓢⓣ 

Chapters: 2

[hlupdate]

After the triumph of the solo debut, Harry Styles is back. With a tour and a very personal new album. But how do you overcome fears and pressures? The former One Direction has made a discovery: always trying to make others happy is a trap

Last December, Fine Line, the second album by Harry Styles, was released after the sensational success of the album Harry Styles, solo debut of 2017. In April the world tour will begin, which will also touch Italy with two dates: May 15 in Turin and on the 16th in Bologna. Twenty-six years old, English, the singer has managed to build a solid career by starting on his own after the farewell to One Direction, a boy band active only six years (from 2010 to 2016) but already entered the history of pop. Harry Styles never gives interviews.

Below is an exclusive for Vanity Fair.

After a very demanding tour for his solo debut, he took a well-deserved break.

When did you hear that he was ready for the second album?

«In fact, I went back to the studio early, perhaps already two weeks after the end of the tour, which motivated me a lot, I knew what kind of music I wanted to do and I felt I had to ride that feeling and start from there. So I decided to take that energy and start without asking myself many questions. "

Was it more difficult to work on the first album or to make your second job after the success of your debut?

«The process that leads to the creation of an album is very long, you tend to exceed, you are continuously focused on yourself and your work and everything inevitably turns into a series of ups and downs. Thus, sometimes you feel that everything is going perfectly and at other times you are frustrated and unsure of what you are doing. I think one of the biggest advantages of this album is that it allowed me to think about what success had represented for me. During the making of the album I redefined the way I perceive success, comparing myself with friends. There was a phase in which I asked myself what kind of album I had to make; at one point I was happy to say "I have to do this now", and I remember telling Tyler (Johnson, the producer, ed) all the album ideas I wanted to do in the next five or ten years and he said: you have to just dedicate yourself to the album you want to do now, it's the only thing you can do. I was very impressed. Then, another friend with whom I was talking about what it meant to be successful told me that if you are happy nobody can tell you that you have failed. So I looked back to the moments when I was most satisfied with what I was doing and it was always the moments when I was happiest. So I decided to focus on this strategy: rather than trying to make others happy, always do what makes me happy, in order to be satisfied with the result. Letting go of all those constraints that had blocked me for a while, such as streaming data or numbers, was truly liberating. "

Lights Up gives the feeling of being a truly cathartic single, from the current sounds to the imagery of the lyrics. What made it the perfect single for our day?

«Lights Up was the most anomalous song I ever made, from the way it was written to the recording phase: everything was written starting from vocal notes, Tyler sent me a track, there was a continuous exchange of notes vowels and finally I wrote the lyrics. Then we went to the studio together, we recorded it quickly enough, until the second day I said "we have to enter the choir", but it's something we usually do in the end. Anyway, we inserted it and completed the song, but this choice totally changed its structure ".

The term "light" often occurs in his songs, as do references to fruits. Is it an intentional choice?

"In reality there is always a strong element of randomness, I have never explicitly decided to focus on the theme of fruit. There is a lot of fruit in my music, but I don't know why. At the beginning, when we wrote Kiwi, we called it that way thinking about changing the name later but then it seemed strange because we had always called it Kiwi, so we decided to leave it that way. And in the end there is a lot of fruit on this album, I wish I could say that I had foreseen and planned everything, but in reality it is not so ".

Many songs on this album dedicated to ending a relationship seem to become an inner monologue. Some of the hardest moments of songs like Cherry and To Be So Lonely are incredibly intense to listen to. Was it therapeutic to convey such raw inner reflections into your songs?

«Writing has always been very therapeutic for me. When I sit down to create a song, I don't think about the fact that I'm exposing myself and I think this helps me open up, so if I compose a very personal text I don't think what people will say about it, because I write the song for me . I think it's a really therapeutic process. It allows me to enclose certain moods in a three-minute song, to then overcome them and move forward. "

He transformed his motto, "Treat People with Kindness" (be nice to others), into a song. Was this an idea you already had in mind when you started using this phrase on your first tour?

"Treat People with Kindness was the last song made for the album; I wrote it at the end, even if from the first tour I thought of turning the motto into a song, but I had no idea how. At one point, while I was in the studio and we were working on this idea, I said to myself "is it too banal?", And Jeff (Bhasker, producer, ed) replied "why don't you just say it?". And the same thing happened with Kiwi, we joked about how fun it would be to write a song that said "I am having your baby, it's none of your business" (I'm expecting a baby from you, it's none of your business). Then came the rest of the song and the first time I sang it I didn't know whether to love it or hate it. I had no idea what it was, I had never done a song like that, so I felt a little uncomfortable; then I realized that it wasn't necessarily positive or negative that it seemed strange to me, in any case now I can say that I like it ».

The lyrics of many of his songs are decidedly intense: are you nervous about having to sing them live every night?

"Actually, an interesting thing happens. With the songs you go through various moments: you start writing them and for a long time they are something of your own; then you start singing them for other people and you hear them differently, at the end the concerts come and it's as if you take them to a different level. I wouldn't say I'm nervous. Of course, some songs are sadder than others, but it would be a problem to have to sing them every night only if I hated them, instead I like them, so I'm honest, that's all. I am happy that those songs become like snapshots of certain moments; I don't live the sad songs in a negative way, I think rather that they are the positive result of more difficult moments ».

Last year he spent some time in Japan. Why Japan? Is there any unforgettable experience of this trip that you would like to share?

"I was in Japan because I realized that I had never traveled alone and I wanted to spend some time in solitude; the time I spent there was very important. I had the opportunity to reflect for the first time on what had happened to me in the last seven years of life and I would say that my most intense memory is simply walking in the city. One evening I walked home from a friend's house and while walking through the crowded streets of Japan I listened to Bill Evans, it was an incredible and special moment ».

What should we expect from your Love on Tour?

"Looking back, it seems incredible to me that we managed to create a real show with the latest album. With the new one, everything will be more joyful, more fun, more free and I feel that many songs will be perfect for live concerts. I can't wait for it to start, it will be a crazy experience."

[takingcourage]

Additions: Part 5

Pairing: Jaime x MC

Word Count: 3,600

Summary: The adoption is finalized and everything seems to be settling into place, but what surprises wait in the new year?

February, 2028

The studio feels quiet.

Even as the thought crossed her mind, Arden knew today wasn’t any different from the usual. 

There was the ordinary hubbub as their team of writers chatted through overnight developments and new stories that had broken since their broadcast the day before. In the distance, Ellen was delivering a stern warning to one of the interns -- probably another reminder not to turn in work without proofreading. Errors had been running rampant over the past two weeks.

Arden sat up just a bit straighter in her chair as the coffeemaker beeped from the next room over. Her on-air coffee never tasted anywhere near as good as the first cup of the day, but she craved it all the same.  

Feeling Maggie’s brush strokes slow, she questioned when it was that the bustling studio had started to feel so calm. Probably around June of last year, she considered, allowing herself to relax back into the seat.

After the unpredictability of their household, work had become comparatively tame. At home, there were always footsteps rushing up and down the staircase or the strains of Sophia’s flute drifting through the house at odd intervals. Then there were Will’s uninhibited concerts in the shower, Opie’s claws tapping across the hardwood floors as he tried to keep up with all of the action, the quiet, unsteady rhythm of Alex sketching pictures on every scrap of paper he could find...

It was a special brand of mayhem that only families with three children could understand: families like theirs.

“Good day yesterday?”

Arden opened both eyes to see Maggie’s knowing smile. Noting the tiny brush in the other woman’s hand, she pressed them shut just as quickly. “It was wonderful. When you’re done, I’ll show you some pictures.”

Maggie started on her eyeliner. “I’d love to see them! That Will is such a cutie. I think we really hit it off when you brought him into the studio last week...You all must be so excited.”

“We are,” she confirmed, holding off her instinctive smile so the muscles of her face could remain as stable as possible.

When her makeup was finished, Arden swiped through the images on her phone before settling on the one lucky shot where no one had blinked or forgotten to smile. She and Jaime stood on the steps of the courthouse, Sophia and Alex leaning in from either side. Will was situated between them on the step below, back almost arched in his attempt to stand tall.

Even a day later, Arden had to check her emotions to keep Maggie’s work intact. It was incredible that she still had any tears left to cry after the waterworks that had taken place at the hearing, but she still felt the unmistakable prickle in the corners of both eyes. 

“It’s the first official Lewis Family photo!”

Maggie was right. Anyone who looked at the picture would know immediately that they were a family, even with the obvious differences in appearance. Their smiles, the way that Jaime’s arm was wrapped around Alex’s waist, the confidence in Sophia’s bearing -- all spoke of the connections that had been formed over the course of the past eight months.  

It was one of the most beautiful photos she’d ever seen. 

Still, if she’d gone a single picture to the left, the other woman would have seen another image -- one that was equally precious in Arden’s mind.

Sometime between putting on their pajamas and brushing teeth the night before, a folded page from Alex’s sketch pad had appeared under the door to the bedroom she and Jaime shared.

The outside of the paper read simply:

To: Jaime and Arden

From: Alex

Curious, they’d unfolded the thick paper, eyes welling again at the inner contents. There had been so few times in her adult life that Arden had truly been surprised, but this discovery caught both of them off guard. 

Beneath the short inscription, Thanks for taking care of us, they found a carefully arranged portrait. 

People weren’t Alex’s specialty -- he’d had much more experience with drawing dragons and other supernatural beings than he had with human features. Still, it had been obvious to both of them that the five figures he’d committed to paper represented the five members of their family.

Practiced or not, it had been enough to start another round of crying. Their son’s sketch was more than just a picture of a family -- it was their family. And it was starting to feel like something close to perfect.

Fate, of course, had other plans.

_____

June, 2028

The first sign Arden noticed was an acute tenderness in her breasts. It’s nothing, she reasoned, just a sign that my period is on its way.

When a full week passed and her cycle still hadn’t arrived, she began to be concerned. Looking back, she couldn’t say with certainty that it had come the month before either. May had been busy – going to Sophia’s band concert and Alex’s fifth-grade graduation, starting Will in a summer soccer league, covering all of school-related news items that always cropped up at that time of the year...

Until now, a forgotten period had hardly merited a second thought.

She nibbled the side of her thumb and stared at the plastic stick resting on the edge of the bathroom counter. Unsure as she was about the reliability of pregnancy tests, every instinct she had told her that the little plus sign staring back at her was accurate.

It wasn’t that she and Jaime had never thought about having a baby. They’d talked about it plenty during their first years of marriage. But they hadn’t talked about it lately. Since they’d started the adoption process, the whole subject had sort of fallen off their radar. 

Arden lowered her hand and pinched the test between her fingers. Holding it to the light, she fought another swell of trepidation when the intersecting lines remained unchanged. 

After the intentional, very deliberate way that the other three had come into their lives, an accidental pregnancy was blindsiding. And with a soon-to-be eighth grader, sixth grader, and fourth grader, it was just about the last thing she’d expected. 

A fourth child certainly hadn’t factored into the renovations they’d completed on the house little more than a year before. Or her career plans. Or the trip they’d just booked for Disney World over next year’s Spring Break.

With a mounting sense of panic, Arden wondered if a baby could really fit into their lives at all. They were a family of five.

A cold sweat broke over her forehead as she set the stick back down on the bathroom sink. Catching sight of her disheveled appearance in the mirror, she  raised a shaky hand to scrape the dampening hair from her brow.

She left the room, walking halls her feet had memorized years before. As she walked, she counted every room and every door -- desperate for some forgotten space that could be repurposed as a nursery. There was none, of course. 

Building projects took forever. Furnishing a nursery, sorting out things like maternity leave and childcare, getting used to the idea of starting over from scratch with a new baby -- each required the luxury of time. 

A luxury they didn’t really have. 

Her pulse spiked at the thought of the baby’s imminent arrival. She didn’t even know how long she’d been pregnant, but they had seven months, at most, before their world was turned upside down.

Half of her was determined to march into her office and begin shopping for baby furniture. Thankfully, the other side of her was more reasonable. 

I’ve got to tell Jaime. 

Last she’d known, her husband was collecting materials in the garage, hard at work on the summer project he and Alex had started the week before. In a true feat of creative genius, Jaime had turned the boy’s rough sketch into plans for an actual treehouse in their backyard. They’d been working on it almost every morning since. 

As Arden passed through the lower level of the house, she heard Opie pawing at the front door. Finding the garage empty, she made her way across the yard to her husband’s workshop. The whining tablesaw confirmed their presence long before the cloud of dust that assaulted her as she stepped inside. 

Neither occupant looked up at her entry, but that didn’t come as much surprise. The saw drowned out all other sound. Giving them several feet of clearance, she stood on the blank floor before them.

Jaime’s gaze flickered and he motioned for Alex to pause before handing him the next board. He finished with the piece of wood that was already on the saw, laying it aside as he allowed the noise to fade to a dull hum.

“Alex,” Arden began, speaking a few decibels louder than usual. The saw whirred to a halt. “Would you please take the dog out for me? I need to talk with your dad for a minute.”

She didn’t need her powers to know that he was counting to five and considering the consequences of refusal.

“Yeah.”

Arden wasn’t crazy about the edge in her son’s tone, but at least he hadn’t pushed the issue.

“Is everything okay?” Jaime stepped back from the machine, flipping up his safety glasses to reveal a furrowed brow. 

Arden nodded, bringing the pad of her thumb to her lips and biting down on the skin slowly. She couldn’t bear to meet his eyes, afraid that the fear in her own would transfer.

This isn’t like you, Arden. Tell me what’s wrong.

She looked up from the concrete floor with resolve, but still couldn’t bring herself to go any higher than his chest. “I'm freaking out and I needed to come talk to you before it got any worse.”

“Babe,” he interrupted. He took her by the shoulders, uncertainty swiftly turning to concern as he saw the tears in her eyes. “What’s going on?”

Finally meeting his gaze, she shared the worry that was foremost in her mind. “We’re gonna have to add onto the house again.”

Jaime stared at her, aghast. For a moment, he struggled with the strange expression, fumbling for meaning beneath her vagaries. Finally, he landed on the only necessary change he could imagine. “Did something happen with the boys? I thought they wanted to keep sharing a room...”

“Not for the boys,” she corrected, breath stuttering as she worked up the courage for her next words. “I think I’m pregnant.”

Deep brown eyes grew wide before dropping to her stomach. “Are you serious?” His hands clenched her shoulders a little too tightly, but she was grateful for the reality of his firm grasp. Her mind still swimming with fears and questions, it was a relief to have something stable to hold onto. 

"Uh-huh,” she confirmed with a sullen nod.

“You’re pregnant?”

Another nod. “The test says so, and I was pretty sure even before I took it -- but still. I don’t know what happened -- a mix-up with my birth control or something? I mean, it was an accident. We haven’t talked about babies or-”

Before she could finish the statement, Jaime’s lips were pressed to her forehead, his hands gently cradling her face. Tears flooded Arden’s eyes again at the tender promises in his touch, and her whole body was light with reassurance. Secrets between them had always been a burden.

“Arden,” he started slowly, swallowing against the onslaught of his own emotions. “If it’s an accident, then it’s the happiest accident of my life.”

“You’re sure?” Even in her momentary peace, it was impossible not to think of how much this accident – happy or not – was going to change everything.

He pulled back to see her, but still supported her face with both hands. “I’m positive. Try me. My mind’s an open book.” His eyes were still poring over her with the most intense look of adoration she’d ever known. But as he continued watching, that love turned to concern. “You’re not happy?”

“I’m too shocked right now to feel anything else. The past couple of years, I really hadn’t even thought about the possibility. I sure didn’t expect for it to happen without us planning for it first.”

“But it did.”

“Yeah,” she told him weakly, voice wavering as he combed the sweaty hair from her eyes. 

“Sweetheart, just because we haven’t talked about this baby doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Sure, life’s going to be a little more complicated, but how could I not want to have a baby with you?”

Catching her lower lip with her teeth to keep from crying, Arden ventured  to ask, “We’ll make it work?”

His certainty told her that the question didn’t even bear asking. “You know we will. It’ll be just like it was with the other three – we won’t know how we ever lived without this one.”

She laughed in spite of the tears that still ran down both cheeks. “You’re probably right.”

Jaime gathered her into his arms again, long fingers weaving into her hair. “I know I am. I don’t even care if it means adding onto the house again.” 

“I love you,” she mumbled into his shoulder, holding tightly to the man who seemed to anchor her in any storm. 

“I love you too.” 

Several seconds later, she pushed away with a thought. “I should probably go. Alex will be back any minute and I don’t want them finding out like this.” 

“Good thinking.” Jaime pulled her back for a quick kiss. “But one more thing before you leave.”

She paused, looking to him expectantly. 

“I know I’ve always said it didn’t matter how we got our kids -- I’d love them whether they were ours from the start or not. That’s still true, but Arden? Having a baby with you is going to be pretty damn amazing.”

“It is,” she answered, finally holding back the tears as she attempted a smile. With a nod, she left him alone in the workshop, her hand resting against her stomach as she made her way back to the house. You’ll fit, little one. I promise. I don’t know how, but we’re going to make this work.

_____

Father’s Day, 2028

Melinda Gale had always loved babies. For as long as Arden could remember, her mother would coo at them in grocery store aisles, offer to hold them for family friends or relatives, and spend ages staring at them every time they attended a baby shower.

Arden had never had any such compulsions.

She enjoyed them, sure. They were cute and sweet, and she understood the desire to care for them. Holding them was fun, on occasion, though she’d always found it easy to look away when they were in the room.

But on this afternoon, keeping her eyes from straying to the small face in the infant carrier was impossible. They’d encountered the couple with the baby twice during their hike -- once at the bottom of the trail where they’d stopped for lunch, and now crossing paths again as they rambled upward through the hills. Both times, the pull had been magnetic, uncovering a desire that she hadn’t known existed. 

With a quick check of her husband’s face, she knew that he was met with equal difficulty. Though he was several steps ahead, he tossed a wink over his shoulder once the small family was out of sight. 

I can’t believe we get to have one of those.

Arden glowed at the excitement in Jaime’s thought. He’d been taking everything in stride, his positivity keeping her spirits up even on the days when all she could think of were the ways that having a baby was going to interfere with their plans. Despite her worries, his happiness was contagious.

For now, the new baby was still a secret between the two of them. They’d been hoping to wait for just a little bit longer -- at least until Family Day had passed. They’d agreed without much deliberation that it was best for this news not to overshadow the anniversary of the kids’ arrival.

Earlier in the week, they’d walked out of her first ultrasound appointment with a grainy picture and a projected due date for the middle of January. The car ride home had alternated between thoughtful silences and fits of giggles -- each of them still trying to wrap their minds around the fact that they would soon be a family of six. 

Smile growing as she matched Alex’s pace, Arden remembered the conversation that had followed. 

While Jaime put their lunch leftovers in the fridge, she gathered up the load of clean clothes that had finished in the dryer several hours before. She’d barely started folding before she sensed his familiar presence behind her. 

“You can’t feel anything yet,” Arden reminded as his hand settled low on her belly. 

“Neither can you, but that hasn’t stopped you from touching your stomach every time you think no one’s looking.” 

“Touché,” she relented, shying away from the tickle of his lips at her throat. “Although I’m fairly certain that I’ll be the first one to feel something. And I’ll let you in on it as soon as it happens.” 

“Still, if there’s any chance she can feel it, then...”

“Jaime...” Arden turned toward him, brushing her thumb over the stubble on his cheek. Though his lips were still curved into a smile, his eyes had turned serious. 

“This baby is never ever going wonder whether she’s loved.”

“No, she’s not,” she agreed as she tucked a wisp of hair behind his ear. “There’s absolutely no danger of that happening. But we don’t know that it’s a she. We could be having a boy...”

Arden turned back to the laundry, snagging a pair of boxers for emphasis. He grinned fully and joined her in folding. 

“I can’t help it. I keep imagining it’s a mini-you inside of there. A tiny little girl with your hair and your nose. Your narrow little feet...”  

“It doesn’t always work that way.”

“It did with you and your mom.”

They shared a look, hesitant to delve any deeper into that line of thought. The day had been too full of joy for them to sully it with reminders of sorrow.

“Even if it is a girl,” she continued, “I hope she gets your eyebrows and your smile -- probably your height too.”

Jaime grew silent, slowing in his efforts to shake one of Will’s socks the right side out. Both of his eyes narrowed to slits.

“It’s not selfish,” she assured in answer to his unspoken thought. “You’re not selfish to want someone else in the world who shares your DNA. It’s an instinct you share with most of humanity.”

“Yeah, but it’s been years since any of that mattered. I don’t know why I care again all of a sudden.”

Her own motions ceased. “Because we’re talking about an actual baby now. It’s not a hypothetical,” she suggested, trying to keep her tone light. “And it’s a baby who's going to have things in common with you.”

“I hope she only gets the good parts.”

“All of your parts are good, Jaime. Honestly, I almost wonder if this baby is some divine way of showing that the world needs more of you.”

With a snicker, he shook his head at her assessment. “You’re ridiculous.”

“You've known that for a while now.”

“I married you anyway.”

She raised her lips for the kiss that always followed such conversations, and they quickly found themselves getting carried away with something other than the laundry on the couch.

“Mom! There’s a rock in my shoe!”

The announcement startled Arden from her reminiscing, the flush of heat at the base of her neck the only sign of her wandering mind. 

Will was several yards ahead, continuing to limp along despite his obvious discomfort. Grateful that the brim of her hat cast a shadow over her rolling eyes, Arden lengthened her stride and caught up to her youngest son. “Let’s find a seat, buddy.”

“I can get it myself,” he insisted, still pressing forward.

“Then why’d you call for me?”

He shrugged, plopping onto a rock and yanking off one tennis shoe. Will offered no further explanation as she continued watching, too distracted with his inspection of the small piece of gravel that came from shoe’s heel.

Arden glanced up to see that the other three had stopped to wait for them. Alex had wandered a few steps ahead and was walking across a fallen log with his arms outstretched for balance. Jaime and Sophia were still talking animatedly about something, but Arden had lost the thread of their conversation long ago. As she watched, her husband nodded as if to encourage them to take their time. 

“Can I double knot it?” Will’s fingers were already poised to loop the laces a second time.

“As long as you do it loosely.” 

Will let out a disgruntled sigh before pulling the ties into a second knot. Finished, he hopped up and ran ahead with a sudden burst of energy. Arden hung behind a moment longer, considering the sight in front of her. 

Just days from now, they’d pass the first anniversary of bringing these kids into their home. Life ever since had been full of give and take. Challenging, but fulfilling. Busy, but fun. Heartbreaking, but rewarding.

These kids had turned their lives upside down in all the best ways, and Jaime was right: it was impossible to imagine where they’d be without them. 

Surely they could make it with one more.

[wordssplatteredoncement]

The World Is On Fire (and So Am I)

There are times in your life where you experience things that you know will become a memory that lasts a lifetime. Several of those moments have been pleasant in my experience. A shared moment with a friend where you realized you both inched your bond towards something more. Various parties thrown where you watched the weeks worth of thought, time, and effort payoff in a night that will be talked about for ages. A concert where the band’s connection with the crowd transcends the usual “musician/ audience” role play, and a melding of minds makes the show something unforgettable. This year has been one most won’t soon forget, but for all of the wrong reasons. 

“FUCK 2020!!” A sentiment uttered by many, and one I’ve said more than my share. The reality... 2020 isn’t the problem. The issues that have arisen have occurred due to years of neglect. The change of a calendar isn’t going to bring back the lives of hundreds of people of color who have died at the hands of those pledged to “protect and serve”. The turn of a year won’t suddenly erase a pandemic that has killed a half a million people worldwide, and shows no sign of slowing it’s destruction on any semblance of normalcy we’re yearning for. And, on a personal level, 2021 brings no promise that my body will stop feeling as though it’s trying to burn from the inside-out. Instead of leaning hard into this notion that the turn of the next 365 will somehow cure our sorrows, why don’t we take some responsibility for the moment and do our part today to ensure tomorrow is aimed in a direction of correction and healing?

I’m going to start by reflecting inward. The last time I touched this blog was nearly a year ago. I wrote about the horrible pain I’m experiencing on a daily basis. My asshole feels like Satan decided to relocate Hell inside of it. I truly feel as though like I’m on fire from the inside out. Today marks the 2 year anniversary of this pain that has completely upended up my life. Earlier this week, I had my 4th procedure in hopes of finding some reprieve from this pain and, for 2 days, I thought maybe I was healed to a level I could cope with. The pain had largely subsided... and then yesterday happened. I didn’t really see any fireworks on the 4th, but I felt them. My body ignited from beyond my balloon knot and the pain has lingered to this very moment. I spent a good portion of the day on my couch, partially in hopes of reprieve, but mostly in wallowing over another disappointment. I peeled myself off of the couch and decided to splatter a few more words in hopes that I could inspire those who give the blog a gander, but also to help myself out of a seemingly hopeless situation. 

8 minutes and 46 seconds. My 2 years of asshole-aflame don’t hold a candle to the suffering the neglect, hurt, and tyranny 5 dickheads wearing a badge made to an entire race in our country. In those near-9 minutes, we all witnessed a man completely prone and in constraints, cry out for his mother as he suffocated in cold murder. Immediate responses from cop-defenders shot out with “All Lives Matter”, “Blue Lives Matter”, and “not all cops are bad people”... Here’s the problem with all of those statements, this isn’t a one-off occurrence. This isn’t a singular police officer who went rogue. In this very instance, 4 other cops watched, with hands in pocket, as this man, George Floyd, had his life taken from him. The uprising that came in the wake of this atrocity was a natural response to the oppression of a culture long held down by those in authority. Peaceful protests over the mistreatment of African Americans have existed for years, each met with hostility in the way of thinly veiled racism and clearly falling upon deaf ears, all while more instances of death at the hands of oppressors pile up. Breonna Taylor, a 26 year old black woman, was shot in her sleep when three police officers, in plain clothes mind you, broke into her home with a no-knock warrant... erroneously... AS THEY WERE IN THE WRONG HOUSE. In both of these instances (two of hundreds, I must add), the police were not arrested until met with the pressure of the public in the form of protesting. Sure, some protests have been met with opportunists. Buildings have been burned. Statues brought down by force (and I stand that these statues dedicated to slave-owning southern leaders should have never been erected in the first place), but PEOPLE ARE DYING AT THE HANDS OF THOSE IN AUTHORITY. And yet, I hear more about these buildings and statues from our “leader” on down to people I come in contact with, than the human lives taken. White privilege at its finest, folks. I’d love to hear an “All Lives Matter”-crier, shout “All Cancer Matters” at a breast cancer awareness event to experience the absolute ignorance of that statement. Everyone matters, you dumb fucks, but there are times that call attention to a specific group... this isn’t your time. “Blue Lives Matter!!”.. you aren’t born blue.. you choose that life. You don’t choose to be a person of color. Let’s take a fucking second to recognize that there is a disparity in this world in how we are treated and figure out how we can correct our ways. 

So that brings us to the last bit of “2020″, the year is “cursed and doomed”. COVID-19, aka coronavirus. A pandemic that was written off as nothing more to be worried about than a flu by our “genius” leader. Trump compared this pandemic to the number of lives that are taken yearly by the common flu and thus created the great divide in America. Half of our country decided that everything was cool.. our president said “we’re good”. The other half, listening to the CDC, and other health experts, whose literal job is to track and control the spread and containment of disease, followed advice from those who have dedicated their life to the education of well-being. Trump slowly had to cater to those health experts when it became very clear this was something far more serious than a “flu”, and we were ordered to stay indoors. People went into bat-shit-crazy-survival mode. Toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and canned goods became the new gold as the masses flocked to stores in droves to ensure their asses were wiped, hands were.. sanitized.. and goods had a shelf life of several months. Hospital ICUs were strained as the number of people needing to be treated met new highs. We were asked to wear masks in public and keep 6 feet away from those we don’t live with. And the response from a wide number of Trump’s supporters.. “THIS IS CRAZY.. YOU’RE INFRINGING ON MY FREEDOMS.. THE ECONOMY!!!!”. As stated earlier in this blog.. human lives > businesses and the economy. Due to this outcry, backed by the moron-in-chief and his plethora of tweets (seriously.. what job have you ever had where you can sit around and call people names through social media all day long??.. certainly not mine..), the shelter-in-place orders were lifted, just as we were starting to see a leveling out in the number of cases our country was dealing with. And Americans, being as stubborn as they’ve proven to be over the years, went out en masse. With this, the number of cases has risen to absurd levels. The president, always one to find a way to suck his own cock, daily gives praise to this being accredited to the great testing he has imposed. Even taking it so far as to say we might be testing “too well” and that if we just test less.. the numbers will go down.... I’ll take a minute to let the absurdity of that statement, which he has doubled down on, sink in. I work in health care. This isn’t a joke. This isn’t a farce. This isn’t the flu. This isn’t a conspiracy. 533,000+ deaths isn’t a joke. Wear a fucking mask. Stop going out for the sake of killing boredom. Start thinking and do your part. Your parents, grandparents, and neighbors count on it.

So there you have it. 2020 hasn’t been kind but, as I’ve stated, this isn’t the problem of a singular year. This is years of neglect and a current state of ignorance. January 1st will come and go. It changes nothing. The only thing that will cure the issues we’re facing is recognizing there is indeed an issue and taking action to improve our current state. Nothing is solved if we don’t accept reality and inflect on how we can do our part to make a change. Stating “Make America Great Again” is a stupid way of saying we’ll revert to a past laced in hatred. Instead of looking over our shoulder the days that we’ve progressed from, let’s focus on a future that provides equality for all. Instead of crying about our freedoms being removed over having to stay indoors or wear a mask, let’s think about those we might be saving by stopping the spread of disease. As for my butthole.. I got off the couch to write this, all while in a fair amount of pain. I can reflect on a time I didn’t feel this, or I can accept what this is and do my part to seek improvemnt. I opt for the latter.

[jaehyunisyoon-oh]

Ae-jeong [ affection ] chapter 1 : The first encounter

Pairings: NCT Jaehyun X OC/You

Genre: Romance, thriller, romancethriller, best friend to lover, fluff

Haewon POV

The day of the incident, December 1st 2018

SM’s Office

I heaved a sigh of relief at successfully holding the elevator door before it closed, grimacing slightly because today I decided to go to the office with heels as high as 5cm. I exhaled annoyed and took off my heels, -the hell- with all of this I will be barefoot through the cold floor of the SM office in this winter.

   "Your feet are all scratched" I turned around and Jaehyun with his black hoodie was frozen while leaning his body against the wall.

   "Shit, Jaehyun, since when were you here?" I asked.

   "Since a while ago, didn't the doctor say you shouldn't be carrying heavy things for a while?" Jaehyun asked then took the box I had been carrying.

   "This is your v live property for today's live broadcast" I dodged, trying to avoid his sharp gaze.

   "Is there no male staff in the NCT team?" Jaehyun asked coldly. If he has that look, that means I have to be careful, otherwise, he can explode in this elevator.

   "There are tons of them, but you know how hectic it was. The other members just had to take off the accessories while running around, and then this box was left behind and by chance, I was still in the basement. So that's how it is," I explained at length. He remains silent, which make everything more awkward. Then silence broke out between the two of us, and if it's like this I don't know what to do. When I was little, every time Jaehyun sulked I would reluctantly have to share my weekly ice cream portion for him, and we will make it up again. But now, it would be very strange if suddenly ice cream pop up out of nowhere from my pants pocket right? Oh my god, why is going to the 5th floor take so long? Suddenly the elevator stopped on the 3rd floor and the door opened, a bearded man in a full cycling shirt looked at me while grinning like a fool. Yes, my brother. Cousin more precisely

   "My sister?" Said Siwon with a dramatic pretentious face while entering the elevator. Then Siwon with his body still sticky with sweat hugged me.

   "CHOI SIWON ARE YOU CRAZY ?! HOW MUCH HAVE I SAID DON'T HUG ME WHEN YOU ARE ALL SWEATY LIKE THIS?!" I shouted. More precisely, wrath. Fortunately, in this elevator, there are only three of us.

   "Let your brother hug you, it won't kill you ... Soon Oppa has a schedule to Hong Kong so we won't meet again until...maybe at Christmas... Jaehyun? What's up?" Siwon hugs me and just realize that Jaehyun was behind us enjoying our lovely siblinghood moment, which I hate because I don't like it if by chance some workers see it, and start to think that I am the luckiest person on earth by coming from a rich household, being cousins to Siwon and is Jaehyun's best friend. That all happened before I was even born in this world, there is nothing I can do about it.

   "How are you, Hyung? I have a V live schedule on the 6th floor" Jaehyun answered casually.

   "I don't usually see you two together, you said that in the office you want to be professional with each other? Be careful later on becoming the centre of attention" Siwon raised his eyebrows with a happy smile. Look how they are chatting casually while I already want to pass out because I can't breathe in Siwon's arms.

   "Compared to being afraid of being topic of the gossip, it's better to fix your drunk habits, stop rummaging through our family story," I grumbled.

   "Eyy, at that time Oppa made a mistake. Seeing the two of you growing up like this, makes Oppa so emotional "Siwon increasingly tightened his arms and pressed his cheek to mine.

It's annoying to remember that again. Exactly after one year working as Entertainment manager of NCT, I am so glad that everything went peacefully because Jaehyun and I agreed to hide our relationship. But all of that was destroyed because Siwon explained everything very detailed about our 'friendship' at the Halloween Party last year. After midnight, when everyone was half-drunk (except the manager because they had to take the artist home), Siwon went onstage and made a very long speech, talking about how proud he was to see me achieving my dream - yes everyone already knew that you both are cousins since your mother married Choi family's youngest son - and suddenly reveal all the useless things about me and Jaehyun that make all the employees went awed.

"I went back to the basement because my charger was left in the practice room. Then I saw her ran around carrying a box this big" Jaehyun pointed at the large box he was carrying. More precisely like rattling me to Siwon. I gave him a cynical look that was completely ignored by him.

   "Geez, Choi Haewon, you should not have carried this heavy stuff, last month you just had a Lasik surgery, what if the stitches come off? Then you... AWWW Haewon that’s hurt!" Siwon's chatter was interrupted as he grimaced in pain because I just bit his cheeks. It just so happened that the elevator opened on the 5th floor and I left those two annoying humans together.

When I arrived on the 5th floor, many employees were greeting me, a little surprised to see me barefoot while busy staring at the device in my hand. When I entered my cubicle, there were tons of unsign documents on the table. There is a placard with "Haewon Choi / Entertainment Manager of NCT" printed on it. I was just sitting down when Na-ri, the head of the artist planning department came in and brought several boxes with Louis Vuitton written on it.

   "Haewon, we have a problem" Na-ri stood still, shaking her cellphone. I looked at her confused then stood up, looked at the cellphone and read the short message from Louis Vuitton who wanted their items to be returned right now.

   "What? it's like 10 pm and drove to their office will take 2 hours. Oh my god, this is why I don't like it when a high-end brand asks us to do endorsements. After getting what they want, they will suddenly treat us as if we are going to steal it, "I said.

   "How annoying, you should know the bracelet that Taeyong used was immediately out of stock. Taeyong's bracelets were trending all over the internet, yet they treat us like this? it seems like we have to stop doing this just to get a discount for the NCT stage outfit, can't we ask to raise the budget? 10 million won per member doesn't seem to be enough, "said Na-ri.

   "Unfortunately I can't do that, the budget problem is the realm of finance and I don't want to argue with Mr Jang, our budget is at its highest now, we have to cut down a little bit because we have concert upcoming. And don't forget that we are the youngest team in this company, and I don't want to take the risk, that's kinda sensitive in Korean culture" I answered seriously. Mister Jang has been the head of finance at SM for almost 15 years, his hobby is to tell how hard the idol's of that time to have proper accommodation and now we are buying outfit that cost like one freaking car. Suddenly Na-ri's cellphone vibrates, and the owner of these box sends us a message again. I showed the message to Na-ri, with an annoyed face she posed as if to slam the box... which she couldn't possibly do because the price of one item in it could cost her entire salary.

   "Alright, I'll return this right away," Na-ri said while sighing, I patted her back and put the cellphone into her backpack. Na-ri looks very adorable today, I and the other employees almost died out of laughter because Na-ri casually entered the meeting room with a rabbit-shaped backpack, short pink skirt and a white blouse. Fortunately, SM does not have strict regulations on how to dress its employees, in the end, this company is in the field of Entertainment and this type of company is famous for its concession in binding regulations that exist in Korean companies in general.

   "Here, take my car. By the way, NCT's schedule will end in 2 hours, and they will immediately be taken to the dorm by the manager. So you should go straight home. " I give my car key to her.

   "Thank you. Oh, by the way, Seung-ho Oppa (NCT manager) is still sick, can you please find someone to take the members home to the dorm? Today is the last day of NCT Dream's concert, maybe you should start asking anyone besides the managers." Na-ri pleaded and I replied with a happy smile. Finally, my chance came too.

   "Of course I can," I replied with a smile, trying to hide my intentions from her.

   "You ... don't even think about it! Just find someone else who can take the ..." Na-ri's chatter was cut off when I pushed her out and hurriedly closed the door to my room.

Jaehyun POV

10.50 PM

SM's Parking lot

We all just finished Live broadcasting on V app and now we are heading to our van to go back to the dorm. Every end of the year is tiring. No, this year is very tiring because all of us, as in 18 members, is promoting under NCT 2018 project, a Lee Soo Man's project that was finally happened because Haewon- our entertainment manager- felt that this project is going to be a very brilliant marketing step. Well, guess she was not wrong. Almost every day some members do live broadcasts, almost every week we have a schedule to appear on events or TV shows, even last week we just signed an exclusive contract with a sports clothing brand. Everything went according to plan and as artists, we are very proud to make it happens.

I, Doyoung, Haechan and Johnny had just arrived at the parking lot when I saw a woman, a girl to be exact, leaning against our van. She wears jeans with a black coat that almost sank her entire body, barefoot with heels on both of her hands. What was she thinking of not wearing any footwear in this weather? I exhaled annoyed while approaching the girl. The other members, especially Haechan gives dramatic screams and the others have put on a super horror face because our nightmares have finally happened again.

   "Guess who will take you guys home today?" Haewon asked with her sweet smile while leaning in our van.

   "Don't joke, where's Na-ri Noona?" Asked Doyoung while looking around.

   "Na-ri is returning the sponsors' belongings and Seungho Oppa is still sick. Don't ask too many questions and get in quickly. The weather is very cold, you can't catch a cold on this super tight schedule," Haewon explained while with great difficulty trying to open our van's door.

We all decided to trust the girl and sat in the passenger seat with very tense faces. Doyoung, Haechan, Johnny and Taeyong looked very pale while watching her trying to adjust the height of the driver's chair.

   "Haewon, the button is on your door," Johnny said with a sigh.

   "Oh, thank you, Johnny," Haewon replied with a grin.

   "Johnny Hyung, how about you just drive?" Haechan asked Johnny.

   "Lee Haechan! It would be very dangerous if an idol drives alone, you understand right? Just wear your goddamn seat belt and go to sleep there!" Haewon grumbles.

   "Wouldn't it be more dangerous to let Noona drive?" Grunted Haechan and checked once again the seatbelt he was wearing.

   "Never mind, stop making Haewon nervous, I still want to live longer in this world" Said Taeyong who was met with Haewon's ferocious look.

During the trip to the dorm, I could not stop staring at the girl beside me. She looks very adorable when she's serious. Her petite body must try as hard as possible to drive this van, and I should be worried because I am inside it. For several times I saw her moving her legs, and that made me very uncomfortable because I'm not used to seeing Haewon with blisters on his body, if Grandpa Han sees this, he will be very angry.

In a short time, our car has entered the gate of our dormitory, and as usual, there are already Sasaeng huddled waiting for us there. I can tell because most of them wore white shirts with our names printed in it when they saw our car coming, they immediately surrounded us while pointing the camera at us.

   "They all are this many?" Haewon asked, gritting her teeth.

   "It's not as much as usual, considering the weather ... Some must be very smart not to freeze themself to death," Johnny replied.

   "They can't go up, can they? You all close the window's curtains now!" Haewon looked back with her horror face.

   "Ahjumma said that there are some Sasaeng who live in this apartment, they even wait at the dorm's front door every night" Doyoung answered as he lowered his bucket hat.

   "Aish, you guys just moved here, it looks like it won't be possible to move again, especially since SM has just paid in full for this dorm. I don't want to argue with Mr Jang from the financial division," Haewon chats at length.

I could see the girl in a hurry to take her handbag and start looking for something, then after a while, she growled in frustration because the object she was looking for was located somewhere of that bag she had never tidied. I stared at the girl exasperatedly, with my impatience, I wanted to scold her, but with a situation like this, it felt like I could save my scolding for later.

Author POV

NCT 127 Dorm

After almost 30 minutes of drama with the Sasaeng, they finally arrived at their dormitory. Haewon took a deep breath seeing the condition of the 10th floor's dormitory residents, feeling grateful that Na-ri and herself managed to win the budget to hire maid services for all NCT dorms. On this floor, there are Mark, Taeil, Yuta, and Jaehyun while the other members are on the 5th floor. In the living room, Yuta is tidying up things in his suitcase. When he saw Haewon coming, Yuta immediately closed his suitcase, after all, they seem to realize that no matter how close they are with Haewonm she is a woman after all and it would be very embarrassing if he let Haewon see something that should not be shown to others especially to a woman. Haewon smiled and immediately walked towards the kitchen, checking the performance of the maid service recommended by Na-ri herself.

   "here, it must be very tiring going here with all those Sasaengs.." Mark emerged from the kitchen, offered a glass of water to Haewon with half-sleepy eyes.

   "It's okay, Mark. Make sure to sleep early, tomorrow morning there will be shooting for your concert's VCR" Haewon smiled at Mark and took the drink.

   "I heard, better to prep my skin using some mask, right?" asked Mark while holding his cheek, Haewon laughed at Mark's behaviour. When they first met 1 year ago, Mark looked like a child and now he is taller than her.

   "You already look good Mark" Haewon replied while patting his back. Mark looked a little shy and went straight to his room. Mark always admires her, and it is common knowledge that he has a little crush on Haewon. Jaehyun was very, very uncomfortable if Mark had shown it very clearly when they were together.

   "Haewon, have you eaten? I want to heat Ahjumma's cooking, do you want some too?” Taeil also appeared from the kitchen while carrying piles of Tupperware from the fridge.

   "No Oppa, I have to go home now" Haewon smiled and slowly left the kitchen area and walked to the front door. Haewon intends to go straight home when suddenly Jaehyun pulled her hand and opened the door to his room.

   "Why?" Asked Haewon confused. Jaehyun said nothing and pushed Haewon until she sat on the edge of his bed. Haewon's eyes widened when Jaehyun suddenly squatted and she flinched to the cold sensation on her ankles.

   "Don't wear anything that you don't even know how to use. For example, heels?" Jaehyun smiled mockingly in the direction of Haewon while rubbing the medicine on her blistered ankle.

It's been a long time since she has a conversation with Jaehyun, and it feels very nice to see his best friend's room again. Jaehyun's room is very minimalist, the arrangement is simpler than his bedroom in the Jung's family house. Haewon looked at Jaehyun and felt a little guilty because he often ignored Jaehyun's invitation to hang out together. Haewon was at the end of her semester when Jaehyun was announced as a member of SMRookies after that every time Haewon visited Korea, they only met at the Christmas party held by their family. And now, even though they are working at the same company, plus the fact that Haewon leading NCT projects herself doesn't mean they can freely show everyone that their relationship is this close. First, Haewon is always busy in her office on the 5th floor, while Jaehyun always practices on the basement floor and NCT's schedule is always tight. Besides, Haewon often goes abroad to attend contract signing meetings with parties who want to work with NCT.

    "Sorry, I should pay more attention to Sasaeng. I didn't think they would be this brutal. It seems like I have to make an emergency meeting immediately" Haewon bowed her head looking all sad. She is gazing at Jaehyun's hand who painstakingly applied ointment all over her ankles. Jaehyun stared back at Haewon and shook his head.

   "Take your time, you know that Sasaeng is a difficult matter. Even SM is seen giving up on it ”Then Jaehyun took something from under his bed, thrusting sneakers on Haewon's lap.

   "Wow, apparently my shoes are here?" Haewon smiled and wore those shoes. Smiling slightly as she closed her eyes, feeling how comfortable it was to wear shoes compared to the heels.

   "You have to stop leaving all your belongings in my house, Eomma is very worried, she thinks that you are senile at this age" Jaehyun laughed a little at Haewon's reddened face. And he thought that was very adorable, well that girl would always look adorable to Jaehyun.

   "Isn't that our picture?" Haewon stood up and walked toward the wardrobe where Jaehyun kept all his things. Amongst all the stuff, the only thing that stunned her is a photo of Jaehyun and Haewon's family while on vacation in Disneyland.

    "It was our first vacation together" Jaehyun lay down on the bed. Still looking at Haewon who smiled looking at the photo.

    "Yeah and you were crying because apparently, Mickey Mouse is so big to you, oh my god you're so cute at that time" Haewon hugged the photo and looked at Jaehyun with a big smile on her face. Suddenly the memory becomes fresh again, the memory of their first encounter that leads him to the most beautiful fate of his life.

December 25, 2003

Jung’s family house

Little Jaehyun rolled his eyes in annoyance, this was the umpteenth time he was forced to be the role of a husband in the house played by his cousins. Jaehyun is an only child and all his cousins ​​are girls, he's already fed up with all this, suddenly throws all the cutlery in front of him and runs into the backyard. The little boy was still sulking while playing with snow piled up in the yard when he could feel someone approaching him, his father with a glass of hot chocolate sitting beside him.

   "Are you okay?" the man asked and Jaehyun shook his head. The man smiled, understanding that his child must feel very lonely being the only boy in this household.

   "I didn't ask you guys to give me a little sister, but at least give me a friend to play basketball," Jaehyun said while staring at the long-frozen basketball hoop. Jaehyun's father smiled and wiped the chocolate that was on the corner of his son's mouth.

   "Let's pray that Uncle David's next child will be a boy," said Jaehyun's father. And Jaehyun exhaled, more pessimistic that there would be more male offspring in this family besides him.

   "If Uncle David's next child is a girl then I will make him a boy," his son's innocent words made the man burst into laughter. The conversation between the father and son stopped when the gate was wide open, and several people got out of a black car. A man in a suit walked towards the two of them with a big smile, behind him, there was a woman who was holding the hand of a girl who kept her head down.

Jaehyun's father stood up to the man and hugged him tightly. Jaehyun frowned in confusion. This is the first time their family has a guest at a Christmas party. He saw his father returning with a little girl on his hands. The girl was wearing a white dress, long hair flowing and looking all embarrassed. Jaehyun felt awkward when the two people were in front of him.

   "Jaehyun, this is Letisha Alana Choi or Haewon, let's say hello," his father said. Jaehyun stood up and extended his hand trying to shake hand with her. A little upset because the girl is not yet returned his good intentions. Suddenly the woman who is the mother of the girl whispered something in her ear, the girl immediately looked up at Jaehyun with her bright brown eyes sparkling.

   "You like basketball?" asked the girl that he replied with a small nod. Then the girl smiled very brightly and take his hand. At that time for the first time in 6 years of his life, he saw a very beautiful smile.

And until this moment Jaehyun was still stunned to see the smile that Haewon always carved. He realizes that this is not right, because his family considers Haewon their daughter. But he could not stop this feeling no matter how hard he tried to.

"Why?" Haewon lifts her eyebrows looking at Jaehyun who kept staring at him.

"No, it's just...you are very beautiful today" Jaehyun smiled and Haewon with all her strength had to hold back not to blush. If not, Jaehyun will tease her until a time limit that she can not specify. But Jaehyun's praise gave a warm feeling to her, a sign of gratefulness that having Jaehyun in this world is the best thing that ever happened in her life.

Haewon POV

11.50 PM

Location Unknown

"Yes, I just come out from the dorm," I said to Na-ri who has been calling me for a while now.

"You've made sure Haechan and Johnny don't play games, right? If they are late tomorrow I will be furious because shooting starts early in the morning" Na-ri said from the phone.

"Yes, oh my god we are not their babysitter, let the boys lived, Na-ri!" I replied quickly. Before going down I took myself to the dorm on the 5th floor. Talking briefly with the manager about tomorrow's schedule, scolding Haechan for drinking coca-cola on this cold day, and almost having a heart attack because Johnny casually came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel.

"Alright, I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. Thank you for the car, by the way. " I ended up lending my car to her because it will be uncomfortable to take a bus to Louis Vuitton's office, it's already very late and it could be a danger for her. I thought that she already ends the call but then she asked again, "with what are you going to go home now? Jaehyun?" Gosh, if he takes me home now, I can guarantee that by tomorrow our face will be all over the news.

"are you crazy? do you know how much Sasaeng are outside? I'm taking the bus" I said with a snort of annoyance. I just argued with Jaehyun because he insisted on taking me home. I have my reasons, I don't want a piece of cheap news about our relationship popped up while NCT is at its peak year.

"Do you know how to ride a bus?" I gaped in disbelief at the question.

"Really? Do you think I'm stupid?" I replied rhetorically.

"Well who knows, you're rich from birth ... eh no, before you were born you already inherited all of your family's wealth. Naturally, you never take a bus, right?" I shook my head at her babble. Of course, I know how to take the bus, back in school at SOPA Jaehyun and I always took the bus. That is the kind of topic I always try to avoid, when I arrived at the bus stop, I end the call with Na-ri and waiting for the bus to come.

There is not a single person around here considering that it's almost midnight and this place is kinda desolated because lots of idols live around here. Should I just take a taxi to go home? I waited, and wait for the bus or taxi to come but there are none of them passing by. Suddenly realize that on weekdays, bus stop working at 11 PM which was 50 minutes ago was the last bus of today. I tried to remain calm, as the coldness hit me and I tighten my coat.

At this time, all I can think of is to use my last card, the only person that is still awake and will pick me up immediately. I sigh a relieved sign and start calling the number.

"Uncle Jung? It's me Haewon... I'm sorry but can you pick me.." my words stopped as I feel something stab my shoulder, something very sharp, I can feel the hot breath flowing through my neck as the person come closer to my ear."There should not be a girl in NCT's staffing" the person said. The sharp edges leave my body and that person run immediately, I was about to chase after that person when I found myself all weak on the floor with blood flowing from my shoulder...

to be continued