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lettersformiah · 2 years ago

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9:37am, 7 jul

hey bubs. only two days of placement! lets go. in my head its friday but its not and im so sad about it. i was late again hehehe i always am though bc i have no sense of urgency bc its fucking school. only late by like a halfa (or technically an hour if you count acg) but yeah i woke up and was like non and then woke up at like 8:15? but yeah. got the 9:25 bus and the worker people who do the stop and go signs had to stop them so i could cross the road hehehe. they were very very nice. the construction, i learnt, is on a power line. dont know what happened there but hopefully it gets fixed soon. had glimpse of us stuck in ym head this morning so ive just been listening to it on repeat. i keep having to sign in at the office so mrs copley doesnt come for me about being truant hehe but how many times can i go there in a week and press the silly buttons about missing my bus or family or sleeping in. its literally a game to me to just fucking press whatever button i see first. getting out of french next period! or at least half of it because im gonna hang out with hannah. none of my friends know im here but theyve also stopped texting me asking where i am so im glad they are just like eh she will get here when she gets here. i dont know what to say to hannah. what do i talk about. i feel like i cant be as open with her as id liek and i know thats so detrimental but like,, ive never been good at being 100% honest with my counselors and stuff so! idk. maybe i just talk about internals and your parents and you obvs and then?? idk job stuff and my dad? and my sister. i dont know i guess i have a lot to say just as an update to my life. also! sorry for falling asleep last night bubba, i know you werent home and its a bit of a mb. its very very sweet of you to stay on call though bubba. makes me so happy :*] even tho rn joji is making me so sad bro like. :'[ oh! geo is actually due first week term 2 ^^ im happy about that bc then i can do it while i wait around for u to be done with uni. but yeah! the reliever :l told me that she wants as much as she can get from us tomorrow but to have all of it done over the holidays. which is nice for me bc then i can do the excellence stuff and get everything done. im so glad. i love mrs haggart sm hehehe shes a banging teacher fr and i hope i get her next year. bio will um be something. maybe he will say just to get it done by tomorrow which i can do all of it tn. and i can write my english! im so fucking happy with it. like smh and my writing isnt amazing by any means, but i found a nice system and sparknotes is like helping me so much so i owe my grade to them for deadass just giving me quotes and themes. i love the internet bro. imagine if i had to do it all from my own fucking brain. id be so pressed. but yeah! i dont know what the last two texts are gonna be but ill just search around sparknotes for some stuff and just randomly search novels ive read in my life. maybe i will actually do the maze runner, surely its on there yk? my nose is all sniffly bubba >:( the outside is pretty chilly and geo is warm as. the temperature difference being a bitch to my poor poor nose. so dog hehe but yeah! idk bubba. i love you! geo will be over in a second so this was just a teeny update on my morning and all that. i love you sm and thank u for everything. mwahmwhamwahwmah

talk soon

-mads<3

#letters

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linopetal · 4 years ago

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lily calla’s.

genre : mostly angst ( ? )

pairings : na jaemin x reader

warnings : mentions of underage drinking , cursing , like one mention of making out , cheating

word count : 1.8k

authors note : oh wow :O this fic is personal in a way 2 me bc its based off of something that happened to me - today in class i saw a sight and it brought up old feelings which inspired this fic. i hope you enjoy it <3 !

you vividly remember the first time you had met na jaemin. it was your first day in the first grade. you had been so nervous. you were often quite , not outgoing at all , you didnt know how to react when you walked into a classroom full of people. everyone had introduced themselves. but one person stuck out to you , na jaemin. you remember the smile plastered on his face when the bell rang for recess. you ran straight towards the monkey bars. when you looked right behind you , there he was. he slowly walked up towards you with a big welcoming smile on his face, “ hi im jaemin , nice to meet you “ he said. “ oh um im y/n “ you nervously spoke. that had been your first encounter with the black haired boy. and that had been the start of your blossoming love for him.

in the sixth grade , your mom took you to a halloween carnival. you vividly remember the purple and black witch costume your mom made you. you loved that costume. halloween was one of your favorite holidays and times of the year , you always loved trick or treating and getting candy. your mom had decided to take you to a near by carnival. as soon as you got there , you ran to find soonyoung , your best friend since kindergarten. “ y/n do you want to go play go fish ? “ , soonyoung asked you. “ of course “ , you responded. you remember your poor skills of attempting to throw the ping pong ball into the water. after 5 tries you finally decided to give up. but around that time , you saw in the corner if your eye jaemin walking up to you. you had felt butterflies overcrowd your heart. “ hey y/n , i beat i can win you one ! “ he said joyfully. and again you were so happy. you remember him winning you a goldfish. you decided to name it nana after him. you kept that goldfish for years.

in the tenth grade , you remember that you were finally planning to confess. after years of being in denial for how you felt , you finally accepted it was time to tell him. you were mistaken. you and jaemin were only mutual friends , never reaching passed that stage. you didnt talk consistently. so you were taken aback when he randomly walked up to you one day during lunch. you thought that maybe this could be a good time. he looked happy today , maybe you would not receive a bad response. again , you were mistaken. when he finally reached you , he said words that broke you just a little , “ hey y/n ! do you know what somin’s favorite flower is ? i heard you two were friends and i wanted to get her something for her birthday since i kind of like her “ , he said nervously , scratching his head. you gulped , completely overwhelmed with feelings. of course you were happen he liked someone. somin was always kind and funny. how could he not like her ? she was particularly perfect. in this moment , you felt far from even remotely decent. you sighed and looked up with a fake smile , “ of course ! she always told me how she loves lily calla’s ! “ , you said , attempting to try your best at acting fine. beauty....thats what they represent , somin was beautiful. you were decent. she offered more than you could ever. “ thank you y/n “ he smiled and walked off.

you remember how you dreaded the eleventh grade. that year was something you could never forget. jaemin and somin were known as the best couple there was in the school. in class , they always were hand in hand every second and you hated it. it had been so many years yet you still loved him. and how ? you dont even know. but during that school year , you had finally decided something.

you had noticed this boy in your algebra class. his name was lee donghyuck. he was always so funny. he made jokes that could make you laugh endlessly. one day you had decided to ask him out. you knew you werent over jaemin , but you also knew you never had a chance. so you told yourself “ fuck it “ and went for it.

it was an impulsive decision, did it matter to you tho ? no. you nervously walked up to donghyuck with your hands in your pocket as he was putting his books in his locker. “ what do you want y/n “ , he said smirking “ “ hm i was thinking about if you want to go out with me on friday night ? “ you tilted your head towards him , “ i guess so “ he said smiling , “ see you then at eight , pick me up “ you said.

those were all members because now its your senior year and you finally had a boyfriend , couldnt you be more happy ? truthfully , you werent as happy as you planned. you were not over jaemin. you didnt think you ever would be. you tried to fall for hyuck , it was just hard. jaemin had been your one sided first love. but you still tried to love hyuck.

there was a party hyucks friend jaehyun was throwing. he had asked you to come as his date. you were beyond excited since parties with donghyuck had become a usual thing. he had helped you branch out of your shell and get out and experience things more. you were grateful.

you had decided to bring him coffee this morning to discuss him letting you stay at his place friday night after the party. as you were walking up to him , you noticed the change in his mood. why had he been acting strange lately ? for the last week , every time he looked at you , he seemed so uncomfortable as if he didnt want to be around you. you chose to ignore it and let it be. “ hey i brought you coffee like you like it “ , you said smiling “ thanks “ he said shortly , you chose to think he wasnt having a good day. after a few minutes of dry responses from him , you got fed up and left for class , you hoped this week didnt suck.

wrong. friday came along and you felt unusually odd. soonyoung had messaged you about her coming over to get ready for the party with you. as soon as you heard the doorbell ring , you ran towards it. “ soonyoung hi come in “ , “ you look so good “ you said “ no you please “ you both laughed and headed to your room to get ready. “ hey soonyoung , im starting to feel like donghyuck doesnt like me anymore “ you said pouting , “ really , ive seen the way he has acted lately. i hope its just a short phase “ she said patting your shoulder , “ yea me too “ you said slightly smiling. “ you look so hot woah come on lets go “ she said.

arriving at the party , you went straight to find hyuck. you had asked a couple of people where he could have been yet you hot no replies. you decided to wait it out and hopefully he would show up later. you went to grab a drink for yourself when all of a sudden you ran into someone “ oh- oh wait im so sorry “ you said , “ oh no its fine “ the male said and i soon as you looked at him you noticed it was jaemin , “ oh hi jaemin “ “ hi “ he said while chuckling , “ have you seen donghyuck “ “ have you seen somin “ you both said in unison. laughing you both shook your heads no. he looked so beautiful , you thought. you looked so pretty , jaemin thought.

“ well im going to go look for donghyuck “ you waves bye and headed towards the upstairs. you thought maybe he went to use the bathroom. again , wrong. as you walked farther up the stairs , you noticed heavy breathing. at first you were concerned so you made your way to the room you heard it from. as soon as you cracked the door open , you were met with a sight you didnt think you would ever have to see. somin and hyuck in a heavy make out session. “ what the literal fuck “ you steadily said loudly as you opened the door. “ yn i swear its not what you - “ hyuck tried to say but someone cut you off. “ what’s happening here ? “ a male said. as you turned around jaemin was right behind you. “ jaemin - are you sure “ he softly pushed you aside and witnessed the sight for himself. “ what the hell somin ?! i did nothing to you and you pull this shit. “ he said angrily , “ its not my fault you are inlove with the fucking bitch behind you. i needed someone who could love me not you “ she spat out. “ w-what “ you said. “ jaemin you l-love me ? “ you eyes widened. you heart swelled. you didnt know what to feel so you just run outside with him running after you. “ yn wait please ! “ he scream , “ you waited so long ? jaemin why didnt you tell me earlier ? “ you said out of breathe , “ because we never talked , okay i didnt think you liked me back and i still dont think you do “ he said , “ jaemin ive been inlove with you for as long as i can remember. “ you said tearing up and walking towards him , “ r-really ? “ , you nodded hugging him “ yes jaemin , i love you “ he smiled back at you and kissed your forehead , “ i love you too , now come on let me take you home before you get so cold “ he said “ your too perfect na jaemin , too perfect “ you both smiled. “ oh and jaemin , lily calla’s were always my favorite “ you said softly smiling , “ yea ive always known “ . many things were wrong in this world. you and jaemins mere love for each other was not one of them.

#nct #nct dream #nct dream imagines #nct angst #nct au #nct fanfic #na jaemin #jaemin #jaemin au #jaemin fluff #jaemin imagines

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yourdaddychan · 4 years ago

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during this time of year, we would like to thank the bots that made our year an amazing one, despite the pandemic. so without further ado...

THANK YOU TO

channie :

@tsundere-sana my babygirl, the troy to my gabriella 🥺 every moment ive spent with you has been an amazing one, and im so grateful that we were shipped together by teatime. without her, i would have never met the love of my life 🥺 we've had a great year and hopefully have more to come :D merry chris-mas babe, ily😎🤙

@amazingspiderhan my bro 🥺 probably my first cb mutual 🥺 thank you so much for taking me in the fam and just making me feel welcome in the community in general. you might even not see this cause you deleted the wholeass app but still- you're hot as fuck bro and i do be clowning you but remember that im always here for my lil bro and i love you 🥺

@chatwithchuu CHUUBERRYYYY WAZZUP SEXY 😎 my sister in law i think idk how family works 🥺 thank you for always being there for me and the rest of the flamingo fam :D i always be lurking and you're one of the first people to offer advice or just a hug to the people who need it and das real sexy 😎 i love you uwu

@stardust-jinsoul my mothah 😩 lunas dad 😩 ugh youre so chill and so genuine and sweet- i have a homie crush on you 🥺 your presence itself is so warm and welcome and you just make me melt bro 🤺 and when we bonded over trauma awn dat one night 🥺 ily mint choco chip 👅🥶

@babyhj1sung b-b-b-bROSKIRINIIIIII PASTA BROTHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA 🥺🥺 ugh you make me chuddle because of how wholesome and sweet and adorable you are like goddamn bro my username is yourdaddychan nawt youareapuddlechan 😔 it's so segcee when you tackle me or give me attention cause lets be honest i always be needing dat segcee attention 😭 i love you brotha 🥺 youre da best pasta bro a channie could ask for

minho :

@midari-jieun mah baybee penguino 🥺 our relationship has definitely been through shit 😭 but im so glad that in the end we decided to be together :3 you and your single eyeball make me complete and make me happy 🥺 you coming into my life is like the grinch transformation, i love you kitty

jisung :

@yanderexchungha we like just met but you already brighten up my days whenever you talk to me and im highkey attached to you [ grr talk to me more ] being around you is sexy as fuck cause you're da cutest cutiepie ever 🥺 merry christmas kitten

luna [ admin to admin interactions ]

@uridolz i didnt know what account to tag you awn woops- damn we've certainly been through a shit ton of drama together 😭 im so glad we randomly became soulmates and we bonded over that one boba shop 🥺 you're sexy as fuck and that one banana milk picture of you makes me wanna let you kidnap me 😩😩 i love you bro 🥺🤘

@kimmiesana 🥲🥲🥲 NDJDHSH DIVYA DADDYYYY WAZZUP 😎 youre highkey a new bawt so our frïéñdśhïp is pretty new and shit but holy fuck i love you 🥺 us bonding over how similar we are was kinda sexc doe 😳 ugh ily twinnie and ill always be here for you and your bald ass

@lover-mina anim daddeh 😳 MAH BAYBEEGORLRLRLRLLTLR 😩😩 we need to become closer bitch 🤺 you're like the funniest person ive met like goddamn woman please dont break my nose from snorting too hard 🥲 you arent active like at all on dickord but whenever you are you're a sexy beast ugh ily

@mycatshumans linn da tinn 😎 ugh our friendship as been through some sexy shit but it worked out which is hawt 😳 you're literally such a funny bitch like please stop you cant keep outdoing me 😦🙄 and you simping over seventeen is adorable uwu merry christmas bro 🥺🤘

@kpopswitchbot FISHYYYYY 🥺 MY BABY 🥺 MY FIRST FRIEND AWN DIS APP 🥺 THE WAY WE STARTED TALKING IS SUCH A WEIRD ONE BUT IM SO GLAD THAT RANDOM ASS ANON WAS LIKE LOL YALL SHOULD TALK BECAUSE WITHOUT IT I WOULDNT HAVE FOUND YOUU UGHFHHHGJ YOU'RE LITERALLY DA SWEETEST PERSON EVER BORN AND YOU'RE SO WHOLESOME AND HILARIOUS AND CHAOTIC AND HHNGFNFN I LOVE YOU BRO 🥺 I WILL SLAP THAT COVID OUT OF YOU YEEHAW 🤺

@theboyz-cb ew 🙄 its you 🙄 djdhhs ily bro even doe i bully you a shit ton and we've highkey lowkey highkey drifted i want you to know i'll be there for you and sappy shit like that 🥺🤙 ily bro

[ if i forgot you im sorry bro my head hurtz and its lowkey late 😭 i love you ]

#cb posts 🤙

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sweetiejunie · 4 years ago

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TxT reaction to having a younger s/o

Genre: fluff

💕 Request: can i request? txt dating someone younger than them? like uhh, 6 years younger than them KXNAKNXJA. BUT LETS JUST IMAGINE THEIR GIRLFRIEND ARE LEGAL ALRIGHT OK OK NO PANIC >:"))

A/n: thanks for the requests anonie! Mmm not sure to go with 6 years younger or legal (so for the most part ill go with legal just in case). For yg, sb and bg i assumed the reader to be ‘01 liner and for th and hk ‘03 liner (not legal but everything i wrote is SFW)!

=====================================

Young

Your boyfriend never really thought much about your age. It wasn’t really a big factor he thought much about when he started dating you. If anyone ever judged him for it, he would just shake it off and ignore then. What mattered to him the most was well, you. He loved you for you and that was all he could ask for.

—.*•—

Yeonjun

Yeonjun would get along with you just fine

To be honest, despite being the oldest, he’s pretty childish and playful himself. So having a s/o thats younger than him would just give him a partner in crime

He would literally think that everything you did was adorable

Might tease you every now and then, asking you to speak to him respectfully

But all that’s just in good fun. In actual fact, when it comes to you, he doesn’t care

He’ll be protective over you, watches over you like a hawk. To him, being young equals being innocent.

“You shouldn’t do that y/n. It’s dangerous, you could get hurt.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Just let me help you.”

Also, he wanted to be the only one that could corrupt you

As long as you are able to tolerate his nonsense and give him your heart, he’ll give you his

He cares about your personality more. Your age wouldnt matter much to him

Since half the time he would be goofy and playful around you, it makes people wonder if he’s the older one or you

—.*•—

Soobin

Would baby you

Even if you were only a year younger than him, you were still his baby

Soobin is naturally inclined to care for people, i mean look at how he is with kai

But for you, he was even more caring

And the fact that you were shorter than him wasn’t helping either. It only made you cuter in his eyes and made him want to care for you even more

When he saw you trying to reach something on a high shelf, he would immediately get up and go help you

Would mentally beat himself up if he ever let anything harm you

When you were sharing snacks, he would feed you. Like taking a chip out of the bag and holding it in front of tour face until you ate it

“Here baby. Ah.”

“Soobin, you dont have to feed me.”

“Come on, i want to. Just humour me.”

Would treat you like a kid sometimes, but nonetheless it would be so cute

Loves to hug and cuddle with you

Pinches your cheeks randomly when you’re talking and just smiles at your reaction lovingly when you pout at him

—.*•—

Beomgyu

This brat would be such a tease

You were only a few months younger than him but he would use those few months when you two are different ages to his advantage

He constantly reminds you that he’s older and would never let you forget it

He just likes the fact that he can tease you over something you can’t control

When you went to do something he would say “are you sure you’re old enough for something like this?”

Or even ask you to do stuff for him and be extremely dramatic about it if you said no

“Y/n, could you help me go get something from the room?”

“Why dont you do it?”

“Excuse me, did you just talk back to an elder????”

Sometimes he could get overly cocky and confident about it

“I’m older, dont worry, ill protect you, y/n.”

Absolutely loved the fact that he was older and would disregard the fact that its only a few months when you tried to remind him

No matter what he would absolutely spoil you with gifts

Basically, if you can keep up with his shenanigans, you’re good to go

—.*•—

Taehyun

He’s a pretty mature person, so typically he might go for someone older but if you could be mature when you had to be, he wouldn’t really care

But that being said, you also brought out the childish side in him

Days when you were alone together, it seemed like taehyun could became a whole different person

In front of others he would seem so mature, not a big fan of pda but likes to have his arm around you

Most of the time he would seem like a parent, watching over you while you played around with the other members, getting yourself into all sorts of trouble that he would have to get you out of

Would probably make some snarky comment or grumble about it, but he’ll still helped you anyway

But alone, he would want cuddles and had a hard time letting go of you

“Taehyun, let go i want to get a glass of water,” you laughed, trying to pry his arms off you

“No, just get it later.”

“Someone’s being whinny, aren’t they?”

He would reply, he would just hug you tighter. And you would pretty much be stuck there for the next few hours

—.*•—

Huening Kai

He’s quite young himself, so at first he might be a bit shocked that you were younger than him

You always fooled around with him, pranking the others or randomly messing around at children’s playgrounds

But since you always helped to care for him and the other, like helping around their dorm, he always assumed you were to same age or older

But honestly, even after he found out, it wouldn’t make that much of a difference to him

You were still you and that’s all that mattered to him

But he might be a bit more wary of you, wanting to baby or take care of you more often

Checking up on you more or just the basic things like making sure you were safe

“Huening, I’m going out to get something, I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Wait, let me go with you, it’s not safe for you to be out by yourself.”

His top priority would be making sure his little baby was always safe

And the others would find it so cute cause now their baby maknae had someone else to care for and protect

=====================================

Hope you liked this!! Ive been busy with some schl projects lately but finally (for now) everything is submitted and over!!!!

Masterlist

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cicinicole-14 · 4 years ago

Note

Hi for the ship thing and headcanons, please do jolex 🥰

Who is a night owl:

dont get me wrong, they both most definitely will stay up late together or both pass out before 9pm on a Friday night, but some days when the depression hits, its jsut different and Jo is definitely more of the night owl. Alex is more of a morning person and Jo would rather sleep like the dead.

Who is a morning person:

as we’ve discovered, more so Alex esp when they have kiddos. Alex is the one to get up with them early and let Jo sleep, he makes breakfast with the kids’ help and keeps their room quiet for jo to get some extra sleep but will unleash their evil spawns when he deems she’s slept in long enough.

Are they cuddlers:

some days, yes, mostly. jo definitely loves the affection from someone who genuinely loves and wants her back. but there are days where she literally is like “do not come near me with your (temperature) hot body Alexander Michael Karev, you are a heater and I am already too warm”

Who is the big spoon and who is the little spoon:

Alex is def the big spoon. Jo likes cuddling into him because sh feels safe, he feels like home. but she def has big spooned him too it’s a 50/50 relationship we have equal roles people

What is their favourite sleeping position:

no lie, both spread out like starfish in their bed.

Who steals all the blankets:

Jo. Alex is a space heater and doesnt need blankets she freezes and likes being snuggled up and warm

What they wear to bed:

I mean some nights, nothing, but like jo def loves Alex’s old Iowa state shirts or his wrestling shirts from HS that smell like him. an old worn in t-shirt, anything with a pair of booty shorts or his boxers even. and Alex will just wear a t-shirt and boxers or flannels in the winter.

Who likes seeing the other wearing their t-shirt:

Alex wholeheartedly loves when jo wears his shirts unless its his favorite flannel and she steals it “come on, jo. you know that’s my favorite one. I wear it all the time.” its exactly why she takes it.

Who falls asleep mid-conversation:

jo, unintentionally. sometimes the insomnia hits and she won’t have slept for a couple days so when life catches back up to her she will fall asleep randomly. even more so while pregnant and right after their daughter is born. she just “night night Josephine”

Who wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares:

they both have their fair share of horrid nightmares. Alex’s deal a lot with his trauma of growing up. his mom pulling various knives on his siblings and dad attacking them. even nightmares of jo leaving him like Izzie did and he wakes up without her.

jo’s are terrifying as well. she dreams that Paul’s death was just an illusion and that hes still out there and he’ll still come and get her. she wakes up drenched in a cold sweat and Alex holds her and they pull up his death certificate on the gsm database to prove it. she also has nightmares about being abandoned again. dreams of herself as a baby, dreams of her mother leaving her at that firestation. horrid nightmares. and Alex just holds her. she also has many nightmares about Alex abandoning her too just like her mother abandoned her but he’s never done that he’s always there when she wakes up and everything is okay again

Who accidentally punched the other in their sleep:

jo is an absolute horrible bed partner. she does NOT sleep still. she will move around so much during sleep its dangerous. yes, Alex did wake up with a bruise across his cheek one night from an elbow to the face...

Who can’t keep their hands to themself:

both of them. theyre notorious horndogs no autocorrect they are not corndogs please stop correcting me when you’re wrong

and just because, im throwing in the parenting meme one too bc my heart melts

packs the lunches

Alex. he gets up with the kids in the mornings and also we do not trust jo to make their children food. she’d feed them boxed Mac n cheese and take out the entirety of their lives. and while they love that and Alex wouldn’t care if it was jsut them, their kids need real food. he packs them lunchables and uncrustables but at least its a little more of a variety.

blows raspberries while cuddling

jo, more so. they both do, but jo LOVES a good chunky baby belly she can blow raspberries onto. and yes she leaves maroon lipstick marks on chubby cheeks and bellies.

is the tickle monster

Alex. and she runs to mommy to save her from daddy! “oh, now you want mommy, huh? as soon as daddy is the tickle monster all you want is mommy? not when I wanted cuddles, or we picked you up from daycare or I dont know, I gave birth to you and wanted snuggles you cry and want daddy but now hes the tickle monster you want me?” and jo scoops her up and tries saving her but ultimately they lose and get attacked in their very large bed by the tickle monster.

gives life lesson speeches

they both do just depending on the situations.

when the girls start dating, jo sits them all down separately, and explains to them a bit of her past. letting them know that no man should ever lay hands on them. she teaches them how to defend themselves and Alex ofc shows them in example how women should be treated. Alex makes it clear that if a guy or girl ever should treat his daughters or his son in any other way than he treats jo, that he needs to know and gOD forbiD one of them lay a finger on one of his children there WILL be hell to pay. jo obviously consoles him in front of her children but tells him “u already have a record. if anyone lays hands on our children I will be putting them in the ground not you”

kisses the boo-boos

Alex he is a pushover and 100% makes sure all boo-boos are kissed and even when the kids are way too old for having their boo-boos kissed, he makes sure the bandaids that are no longer avengers or dinosaur or unicorn or princess themed, have been properly kissed. even through protests of “dad, im not five anymore I dont need my bandaids kissed” “how do you expect them to heal, then, CJ? you’re my most clumsy kid, and I have had to kiss all your boo-boos and never once have I not. thats why you’re still in once piece”

breaks the bad news

jo makes Alex do it most times. she claims she’s the fun parent and tries to stay the fun parent by making Alex break bad news like “we cannot get another dog” she blames it on Alex but then brings home a puppy the following week.

joins the PTA

listen. LISTEN. when Greyson started big kid school, in kindergarten, they placed her in private school to give her everything they didnt have growing up. jo was determined to make sure she gave her daughter everything made sure she felt loved and was spoiled it was terrible. so jo, of course, sent her to Seattle Elementary academy and was not paying attention when she signed some forms signing up to be in the PTA. she loathed it so much and “Alex im sorry I cant do this. I know we wanted to give Gracie everything we didnt have growing up but I cant take it I cant take the private school. the volunteer hours the strict dress code violations? she is FIVE. I also have to volunteer FORTY HOURS this year alone. no! I am a surgeon, a mother of two and im pregnant! I do not have time for this! all these PTA moms are stay at home moms who have nothing better to do than gossip about their neighbors and drink wine. and I swear to god if I have to hear about Jessica’s fucking essential oils pyramid scheme one more time I will shove those oils so far up her a––” “Jo! Look, Ali, mommy’s here!” Alex interrupts her just in time. he doesnt blame her. those private school moms are quiet the handful. every time, one of them has the nerve to hit on him. “and I swear, if one more of those moms hits on you in front of me, im going to backhand her with my engagement ring on. no hate to most of them, but theyre too much” they end up ending Gracie, and Ali and the rest of the kids to public school just like they had grown up in and did just fine.

crashes sleepovers with embarrassing stories

oh one hundred and ten percent Alexander Michael Karev. he will find any moment to break out embarrassing stories and photos. hell, even when Zola, Bailey, ellis, Sofia, Harriet, scout, any of the bunch come over he’ll embarrass them too!

gives the crazy nicknames

not really either of them (that ive figured out in the moment) (the kkc kids do not have crazy nicknames yet) (we jsut have Gracie for Greyson, Ali for Alice, and CJ for Cristina Jo. Alexis goes by Sissy because of Alexis and Alexa and Eli usually goes by bubba seeing as how that’s what the twins have called each other growing up with Izzie and that stuck)

thank you so much for these! I loved loved loved doing them! even threw in some KKC universe things so if yall have questions about that feel free to ask I will share! tho there is yet to have a fic out about them yet… its been a bit difficult with writers block /:

#jolex #kkc universe #this turned into partially kkc stuff whoops #cici writes #ask coco

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alexanderpusheen · 4 years ago

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what frustrates me the most abt this china narrative is that the US created al qaeda and ISIS, those groups are recruiting and causing terrorism in xinjiang, china has been trying to handle the situation with re-education programs often suggested by westerners, and its still being treated as this major human rights violation. there are actually dozens of countries with several robust anti radicalization programs that are just as strict, like singapore, colombia, yemen, bangladesh, saudi arabia, and indonesia. this paper ive linked to was even funded by the DHS so like...why has detaining someone and basically reverse brainwashing them out of being a terrorist been so acceptable for so long but now its an issue?

if you take issue with chinas program, you have to prove its somehow exceptional to these other programs. since we really dont have any way of knowing what is truth or reality thanks to the enormous disinformation campaign going on, you fucking cant. we dont even know what the programs entail because even googling it gets you exclusively hyperbolic concentration camp accusations.

what i will say is that relations between the han majority and the uyghur minority have been strained since at least the 80s. link is the notoriously conservative and pro US intervention human rights watch, so dont say im using pro commie sources or anything. every time i do any bit of research on this i seem to find an attempt from major news outlets in the early to mid 2000s or late 20-teens to prove this all started or became dramatically worse now, but things have always been tense. and its not really a surprise that things really got bad after the collapse of the soviet union, an event that was geographically close to china and the xinjiang region and also just like, a fucking major global event in general.

what i find to be very odd is just how dramatically the narrative has changed. the diplomat, one of my favorite periodicals, went from taking very nuanced and balanced positions on xinjiang that i almost completely agreed with to being just as aggressive as outlets like the BBC and CNN in the span of five years. they have eleven pages worth of articles on xinjiang, mostly covering the terrorism and beijings response (which i agree is too harsh) and xinjiang muslims’ relationships to the greater muslim world.

an example is how this article talks about the conflict at the time which warns of escalating violence as a result of han chauvinism and beijing being unable to deal with the extremism holistically. it points out how there were uyghurs captured among taliban ranks in afghanistan and how many might have even been working with ISIL.

The threat will not be an existential one to the Chinese state, as most Uighurs would prefer a peaceful accommodation. But even if only 1 percent of Uighurs hold extreme views, there are 10 million in Xinjiang and even for a state security apparatus as formidable as China’s, 100,000 or more angry people present a tough challenge.

i think its totally right that china does not allow people in that area to have cars, woodcutting tools, and amonium nitrate (which is used in bombs) is very strictly regulated. i completely agree that this is not how you combat terrorism. most people do not want war and broadly punishing these people is itself a human rights violation that went unnoticed until now.

however, in that same year, the diplomat also published this article about the infamous turkestan islamic party. members of TIP are like, literal jihadists lmfao.

TIP fighters call on the world’s Muslims to join the jihad against Western countries in internet videos. Perhaps most worringly for China, the TIP believes that Muslims may fight locally using various means instead of coming to Syria and Iraq to conduct a “holy war” against the “infidel” Western regimes.

yeah i definitely want to hear more about what these guys have to say. the article is really good because i think it highly illustrates just how dangerous these people are. theyve killed hundreds of people across china and want to establish a fascist religious state in xinjiang. while the article speaks for itself, i believe the last paragraph really highlights why china is being singled out whereas countries like france and canada are considered allies to muslims for whatever reason:

However, as experience has shown, China takes a passive position in the struggle against global Islamic jihad in Syria and Iraq. Beijing has not sent its troops to the Middle East to fight ISIS and has instead confined itself to diplomatic support for Russia and the United States. The Chinese government uses the attacks of Islamic jihadists to persuade Western countries to support Beijing’s position on Xinjiang and turn a blind eye when the freedom and rights of Uyghurs are harshly suppressed by Chinese security forces. Therefore, China is not perceived by the West as a reliable partner in the fight against terrorism. [emphasis mine]

im just a little surprised to see that a lot of these violent attacks from extremists throughout the years have targeted not just han chinese but also other uyghurs. in the west people do not typically sympathize with terrorists as freedom fighters, even on the left, because we know that no matter how angry or how seemingly justified the violence might seem, terrorism is unacceptable and it grossly misrepresents islam. it is a fascist act because those terrorists often follow an extremely right wing version of islam. also, we know that those who carry out terrorist attacks even outside of the west are middle class and professionals in some way, not poor and marginalized people. the level of nuance afforded to terrorists outside of xinjiang is pretty staggering.

yet in china, there seems to be this excitement than they are killing chinese people, even if some of those chinese are other uyghers or otherwise muslims. those who carry out attacks in xinjiang dont get any nuance or analysis because theyre justified.

ive referenced the diplomat earlier but this article from 2013 says it perfectly: Call Tiananmen Attack What It Was: Terrorism. except terrorism is bad. and the west wants you to support the uyghurs. and make no mistake, they do not want you to support the millions of uyghurs who want to live peacefully, free of any repression, american or chinese. they want you to support the jihadists randomly blowing up chinese and tourists alike because you are meant to sympathize with their plight.

terrorism isnt something to be romantacized or cheered on. it is something someone or someones do when they feel they have no other option. people do not want to kill even those they feel they have every right to because thats a line you cant uncross. murder changes you, justified or not. see the last chapter of wretched of the earth for this.

terrorism is great, however, for destabilizing a region or a country, and xinjiang is resource-rich. establishing a US-friendly regime, no matter how good they are on human rights, is the goal. the US does not care about muslims. they do not care about human rights. china, also, does not really seem to care about muslims or human rights either. but we’ve seen this since vietnam, and the US has learned since vietnam. the vietnamese were sympathetic. they were minding their business.

after vietnam, merely being communist isnt enough to warrant invasion. theyre killing their own people. nevermind that bolsonaro kills his own people and no one wants to invade (yet--biden has mention sanctions wrt us which is scary but again, thats got everything to do with making sure latin america is loyal to the west, not HR offenses). korea, although it was before vietnam, was less publicized and learning from vietnam gave the US a valuable lesson: always blame the victim. and thus, the US blames the victims of its violence. even if its ‘justified’, even if its ‘true,’ as was the case with saddam hussein, invading and occupying was the nightmare no one but the imperialists anticipated. because they dont broadcast what occupying forces do to the occupied. i am old enough to remember abu ghraib. have it seared in my memory forever. you perhaps are also old enough to remember, but also think millions of abu ghraibs and guantanamo bays are always worth it, always justified.

i know people arent going to read this and remind me really rudely that they didnt read it but i want to really emphasize how one of imperialism and colonialisms features is ethnic and racial separatism. how the rwandan genocide couldnt have happened without previous belgian and french rule. how yugoslavia wouldve remained a single country had it not been for NATO. i think its easy to diminish the role of the colonizer in all of this, but it is actually one of its goals: divide and conquer. exacerbate the existing conflicts to the point of genocide.

and if the west succeeds in balkanizing china, you will get more racism rather than less. you will see more violence against muslim minorities rather than less. they will feel less empowered rather than more. china has to learn that they are also to blame in a way that will be catastrophic for over a billion people. han chauvinism and outright racism must be addressed beyond window dressing.

wrapping up, china is in the wrong here. what theyre doing is racist and humiliating a population that has to be empowered. and the one child rule, even for the han majority, is imo fucking evil lol like sorry tankie tumblr im tankie too but i cannot for the life of me accept that as a good thing.... but i also dont buy the accusations of genocide, because even tho a lot of these articles are kind of glossing over it, china is trying to handle the terrorism in the region. imo theyre feeding into it by getting more han in the area, but also having more han but forcing them to take worse jobs would be a show of good will. idk, this situation is extremely complex and frankly, most uyghers do not want secession.

i also take extreme issue with people saying that adrian zenz is somehow reliable. not only is he a nazi crackpot, hes also literally the only source for almost all of what we know about this in the west. that is not how you do journalism. i dont understand how people are saying ‘yeah hes an extremely fascist grifter but also i believe him because hes anti communist and also anti china’. thats also not really the point? the point is that hes also the ONLY SOURCE on almost all of this, which is alarming.

i also find it very startling that in order to keep interest in the story, every few weeks the US has to remind people that the chinese are also doing what the US is doing to women in its own camps. forget that the US is separating minors from parents (since 2008). forget that the US is sterilizing women en masse (since 2017). forget that the US is raping women at the border (since there was a border). forget the US even has camps because now they arent even called that anymore. this is not that ‘you can be angry at two things at once’ but a clearly cynical attempt to get its citizens to forget that the US is detaining, deporting, sterilizing, and raping, and gassing non US nationals.

they are not ‘your own people.’ they are me. the other. i am an immigrant to the US, currently in my country of birth, so i am the other to you, the american. the chinese are doing the evil crime of killing their own. but the americans could never kill their own because they dont consider black americans to be their own. latin american nationals are not their own. bombing millions globally is not their own. thats always justifiable. there is clearly an element of racism in how these crimes are perceived as more or less evil.

the way immigrants and black americans are brutalized in the US is almost naturalized. like its the way things are supposed to be. you can live with that. its upsetting that you have to hear about antiblackness and the like but you know thats just how life is. you dont necessarily call for the US to be sanctioned or bombed by other countries because you believe in the inherent goodness of white america. but countries like china and iran and north korea deserve to be starved and killed for their crimes. and you can never say ‘maybe bombing and starving a country isnt the answer’ because it means you agree with it. you can never say ‘this is clearly propaganda to make me hate another race so much’ because it means youre a genocide denier. im sorry, but again, i remember iraq in 2003, i remember libya in 2011. i dont buy it.

finally, theres been a lot of attacks on asian people in the US lately and if you cannot see the violent way the US talks about china the country and how that influences people to harm asians within the US then idk what else to tell you. people will really believe this shit and say the chinese are all blood thirsty islamaphobes and thus need to be harmed. ‘im not like that! i defend my asian friends from racism!’ thats nice and all but idk how spreading some sinophobic propaganda designed by the US to make you support some kind of violence against one billion chinese people isnt inherently racist. also its unhelpful because sanctions dont really solve problems. but ive spoken too much.

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lovelybrittxo · 4 years ago

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where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one��s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

#lgbt #pride #pride 2020 #lgbt community #bisexual #bi curious #trans #transgender #questioning #sexuality #coming out #me #personal

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eerienature · 5 years ago

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Now it's my turn🙈💚 1, 2, 8, 11, 13, 15, 20, 21, 24, 27, 30, 37, 42, 56, 57 and 59 sorry that this is late🙈💙

ayyyyyyy my guy! ❤️

1) selfie

ditto so I’ll dm you em! x

2) what would you name your future kids?:

so i’ve always liked the name layla because i really admire the beauty of a night sky but then it literally means sheep in aapni zerbaan so ye lol; i think the name marina is pretty too like the whole nature element, i liked marwa as well till my sister said it sounds like ‘marijuana’ which just ruined it for me totally lol; yusuf is a nice one, you know because of his whole story which i just find really moving and im sure i had some more prophet names which i really like but none of em spring to mind at the mo

8) have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

yesssss so the other day i was dress rehearsing for an interview (pray i get the job! x) and none of my smart-wear would fit so i just angry cried it out; i have bipolar as well and before i was on the right meds i’d do that daily but now i seem to be doing a lot better alhamdulilah

11) are you listening to music right now?

astaghfirullah sister skskskk but naa i stopped listening to music about a year ago i feel like it just dragged me down might just be me but like even the uplifting stuff has melancholic vibes to it

13) how do you feel right now?

so like i think i missed my meds this morning and at round 7pm i got this really intense agitation where my mood randomly switched within the space of like an hour and i got angry that i was angry but now that im home and talking to you i feel a lot better - I was really on one earlier on in the day when we were messaging tho bc i was like ‘OMG IVE FOUND A NEW FRENNNNN’ which is a huge positive for me!

15) personality description

aaaaaaa i could go on forever, hope you enjoy the cv! so im a really perceptive person - i have a strong insight into my own situations and mindset as well as those of others (a positive side to mental illness i think, like the whole self awareness aspect) i’ve been told im ‘compelling’ which is an incredible personality trait to have! i have a mad sense of humour, talkative, very outgoing, very extroverted and i love a good bit of banter with the right people, love meeting new people and hearing their perspectives too. I’m very intellectual, i love discussions and acquiring knowledge and anything which makes you think or reevaluate your current opinions! but ya im really proud of my identity purely bc i genuinely didnt think i’d make it past 16 (suicidal depression, self harm, mad mania, abuse, overdoses, etc) but like alhamdulilah here i am and i think its my perseverance and my relationship w god which i really admire - im really proud of who i’ve become! (but i mean theyre trying to stamp a personaity disorder diagnosis onto me so i guess i could be chatting bubbles and all this could be totally subjective *x files theme toon plays*)

20) what is your favourite song at the moment?

i mean i hear the odd bop over the radio every now n then n the ‘JUST BC ITS OVER DOESNT MEAN ITS REALLY OVER N IF I THINK IT OVER MAYBE YOU’LL BE COMING OVER AGAINNNN’ song just really seems to get me

21) age and birthday?

ahh see i feel like an old granny ting now compared to you! i’m 20 and my birthdays the 5th of april so i guess we’re both april babies!

24) height

5′2 but i dont look as short as i sound i swear lol

27) things i hate

im no longer a hateful person like even the people i hate i pray for but bidah has got to be #1 without a single doubt, aside from that its all the usual stuff such as bigots, nonces, etc

30) favourite tv shows

mostly stuff on netflix like at the moment im watching ‘sacred games’ and ive never been into the whole bollywood vibe but i swear ive been missing out like! peaky blinders is amazing and tommy is beautiful i dont care if hes my dads age, bedlam was incredible, period dramas like victoria n bbcs les mis are really good, you should check out this is england, shameless, dark and NSU: german history they are mint; i love a good documentary as well

37) favourite actor/actress

angelina jolie i think! like i have an entire hashtag dedicated to her so ya i guess shes the one!

42) favourite books

kite runner and a thousand splendid suns (defo recommend them both yasmin esp tss - if you ever do read it give us a shout and ill send you the coursework i did for it in Alevel!)

56) favourite food

ben and jerries along with cookie dough are my absolute weaknesses but im inshlla cutting down on sugar so we’ll see if anything changes w those ones!

57) favourite animals

cats for sure! mines called marno shes now 5 alhamdulilah and she is my life n soul - i like dogs but they get over excited way to easily which startles me a bit esp as im v spaced out a lot of the time so a dog tryna hug me is like arghh wyd but i mean i admire their intentions lol that n the fact theyre najis is also bit of a problem for me (whups)

59) why i joined tumblr

so i think i came across tumblr on a random google search n i figured it’d be a good form of self expression n a good emotional outlet esp as i was in a v v bad mind-space at the time so i felt i needed something to call my own which eventually became my lil blog - but ye if you go allllllll the way back to my old reblogs its literally just those black and white depression posts and gifs which is actually really upsetting to me; like although im no longer in that place anymore tumblr continues to be a very good therapeutic outlet so im v grateful for that ❤️

and thats all! thanks for reading this far b and feel free to ask me any other questions, i enjoy answering them! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

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illfigureitoutasigoalong · 4 years ago

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being there

i was born alone and i will die alone. i have to find a way to romanticize this.

i’ve had an interesting day. i was fine with it until about 5 minutes ago. we carved pumpkins with CL and liam. CL randomly left in the middle of us carving? did not tell anyone he was leaving, just straight up left. at first it really pissed me off but then again he wasn’t raised to be any better than that. i really wonder why CJL and the whole lewis family acts the way they do. where did they go wrong? we were so close once. i digress.

i saw a tumblr post a while back that said something like “i learned a lot about being a friend when i was alone.” it really stuck with me. and now i know why.

anyway the reason i came to my realization: a few weeks ago i was up late and i shed a tear because i love my sister so much. like i truly feel like she is my soul mate (not in a gross creepy romantic way) but i just have a hard time believing i will feel as close to anyone ever as i will feel to her. i have to stop this feeling. because i know she doesn’t feel the same way. it’s not that shes trying to be cruel or intentionally mean, i just really feel as though she simply does not have the capacity to feel that way about me.

she is reserving this feeling for a lover. i literally just realized this, even though i have been putting this together for a few days.

she told me in the car today when we were having a heart to heart “the other day when you told me you cried cause you love me so much? i love you to death but i’ve never done that.” and it hurt??? like she didn’t say it or mean it in a mean way but i was kind of gutted. and yesterday we were in the kroger parking lot and someone posted on IG “what is the best non sexual act of intimacy you can think of?” and she said “dying of laughter together, or basically everything we (as in she and i) do together but with a boyfriend.” which is fine! but now it all makes sense.

i used to think all the time to myself “i don’t need anyone, not friends, not a girlfriend or partner, no one else. as long as i have my sister.” but i can’t feel that way anymore. recently as she has had health issues i think about what i would do if i lost her. i feel like i would die too. in a literal sense. but she wouldn’t if she lost me. she has said so. “it would be hard, but i would keep going.”

i’ve never felt so lonely. even when i was in college and i didn’t have friends, or during breakups i always felt her by my side and knew i wasn’t truly alone because i fooled myself into thinking that she felt a connection to me in the same degree. but that isn’t true. god, i feel so.... gutted. i know i used that word already but its how i feel. empty on the inside in the worst way. i feel like i know something now that has changed me. and not for the better.

she is very naive. and when she thinks of love and relationships it’s a very pie in the sky all or nothing kind of thing. she expects her future husband or boyfriend to suddenly fall into place in her life and complete her. and while i definitely hope that happens, it takes work. it takes time. it won’t be perfect in the beginning and all the time. there is no one magical man out there that is absolutely perfect for her in every way. not to say theres no guy out there who loves sports, and tennis shoes, and jesus and respecting women, but also his feet may stink, and his mom may be a bitch, and he might have weird tendencies.

but shes never been in a relationship so she wouldn’t know that. and i could never tell her because she wouldn’t accept that information from me. she sees me as someone who wouldnt understand because ive been in long term relationships. don’t get me wrong, back when relationships were a far distant concept to me, i too felt that way. when i was a lot younger i thought that when i had a girlfriend everything would magically be perfect. and it doesn’t work that way. not by a long shot. in fact most of the time having a gf made me feel worse in some respects. so.

when i first came out, her reaction hurt me the most. i had never seen firsthand how selfish she could be. and what’s worse is my mom said that it was actually me who was selfish and terrible. she viewed it as me “doing this to our family” and betraying my sister and taking something from her because i was dating her friend. it wasnt until almost 4 years later when i broke up with s, that things feel normal again. who even knows what will happen when i date someone new and they have no excuse not to like her.

not to mention, ever since that moment, when i realized that my sister could never be happy for me getting married or having those kinds of life milstones, i always hoped and prayed that the rest of the “sterotypical life events” would happen to her first. because i know for sure she wouldn’t be able to be happy for me without being sad for herself. i knew she would cry at my wedding because she’s not married, i knew she would be sad for me having kids because she wouldn’t have kids of her own (if that kind of thing would happen to me first). even when i was dating s, i refrained from taking photos, not because i was worried about what people i know would say on social media, but because i didn’t want my sister to see it and resent me.

that has to stop. i can’t keep doing it. i always silence myself in order to make my family comfortable. especially when it comes to me being gay. i don’t watch my tiktoks out loud, i don’t talk about my favorite books and shows and movies because they are all gay. i censor myself in a weird way and they don’t even know i’m doing it. it fucking sucks. and for what? it’s literally not helping anyone.

anyway back to my point. i have to start living for only myself. because i’m all i have.

from here on out, i am doing what i want, especially in terms of my apartment.

on december 1, I am applying to live at marshall. i am buying whatever i want for my place and saving up my money. i’m gonna fill my home with the gayest shit imaginable. this whole time i’ve been refraining from buying things because casey hasn’t even thought that far in advance. oh fucking well. learn to grow up. i feel like she won’t even think about the practicalities of moving until january. but i will be fucking ready.

tomorrow i am going to do things for me to make me feel better. i’m going to go get a bagel and i’m going to dress up for my costume and take photos. i’m going to make molds and sell them. i’m going to pay my taxes. i’m going shopping. i’m going to start living my life the way that i want to because i deserve to. no one who has the amazing things ive been blessed with should be as unhappy as i am.

#well fuck

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dryasiulia · 7 years ago

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August 21st: Fanfiction Writers Appreciation Day

This idea is fantastic and I want to support it as best I can. I’m constantly amazed that you guys take your free time to provide this for us; so this is quite literally the least I can do! There’s a lot more below~~~~~~

I wish I had the time today to reread everyone’s work; AND to read everything I haven’t yet. You all deserve pages and pages of praise; I’m sorry this is all I can do today. In roughly the order in which they were originally consumed:

@claudeng80 Even if it hadn’t been my fanfic introduction (If you don’t count watching GoT), Noble AU would still hold a special place in my heart. Honestly everything you’ve done is amazing. I still haven’t made it through the RIDICULOUS amount of happy you made for us during bingo. And that’s not even considering the ones I DID get to that I want to reread ASAP (omg that fairytale obi dragon one). And of course Snowdrop~~~ No words~~~~ I even enjoy the stuff you do that is outside my wheelhouse *cough* star trek. Plus, Akagami on the Bayou is literally perfection.

@sabraeal It’s lovely to see someone who is so talented spend so much time appreciating and supporting others. The comments/reviews that you (and Joanna and Andi) leave in the community are literally as entertaining as the stories. That said, obviously now I’m going to mention Seven Suitors because duh. It is Canon But Better and I hope there isn't a sekrit counter somewhere that shows how many times Ive read it....maybe even with the Haki B-sides inserted timeline appropriately~~~~ And I don’t have enough time to get into Truth In Masquerade (Or In Which There Will be Ascots; yup, I’m pretty sure that was promised, even if it was just in my head it still counts), modern AU, OFC fae AU (why am I capitalizing AU?), high school, daemons, the kiss of life (I may think about randomly at times) all the bb obi backstory stuff, the amazing haki stuff, and the one shots! Your 100 prompts was frankly, astonishing, and during a Very Bad Time for me. It was so amazing to have something like that to escape to. This workings of this site remain a bit of a mystery to me; things that are original and amazing frequently get missed or ignored; and a picture of a shoe with a cat in it like breaks the internet?

@superhappybubbleslove again with the “someone who is so talented spends so much time appreciating and supporting others” For me, watchtower is like “Uncomfortable RL Canon but Won’t Ever be Canon Because Shoujo” You do such an astonishing job of like Easter Egg Multi Level Pains. As if the over-arching pain isn’t enough; there are little poison barbs expertly sprinkled in specially designed for the utmost torment. Of all the pains (main story pains; not touching the B-SIDE pains because I’m still recovering from Friday) the little ones stick with me the most. Ugh, that part where he drops the spoons is honestly like the worst for me…..I’ve just upset myself again. And likewise with the I REALLY REALLY don’t want to know my reread count xD I don’t have the time to even get started on what Melt, the Mountain Lion au, and everything else deserves. (Like, I’m still kind of angry about how much I enjoy the ballet au - I mean wut?!)

@infinitelystrangemachinex your commentary is ALWAYS +100~ Automation Heart……I love your Shirayuki so much. She’s always a science badass. And the chemistry with Obi, LITERALLY no matter what the set up, is ALWAYS perfect. I’m not comfortable admitting 1. how many times I have read Analysand 2. how many times I then REREread it when you did Overflow — also rereading Overflow obviously and 3. How many times I read St Elmos Fire once I finally realized I hadn’t read it. Let’s just leave it at….a lot…. There are still a few things from last year I haven’t gotten to; someone might point out that I MAYBE would’ve had more than enough time to read those I had I skipped a rererereread or two….don’t pester me with your logics~ I’m sure they are equally amazing; I can’t wait to get to them!

@nebluus Apparently I’ve missed a few things on the classic “you must read” obiyuki lists. However, I have at least read Blizzard. ~~~~A FEW times. It most definitely belongs on the list. Everything about it is perfect. Ugggh….the part about how he would be a great father… “Are you the fire Obi?” Dead. Even though no true relationship stuffs happens it literally kills me every time.

@xaphrin sometimes I worry from your tumblrs you don’t understand how awesome you are; but then I think surely you see how many people tell you your awesome….right?!?! I can be a little bit of a cinnamon bun when it comes to reading sexy times, but I feel like you always try (nay succeed) to include it as part of the Whole Relationship. AND AND AND can we talk about how phone sex AU obi is. the. hottest. obi. Which is so weird…I mean if someone would’ve told me I’d love “phone sex” au I would’ve rolled my eyes. BUT ITS SO GREAT. And obviously diplomacy. OBVIOUSLY.

@ruleofexception for me you are like a box of cakes. (real talk, some chocolates are gross, all cake is delicious) “dead obi with oxygen shirayuki” nuuu please don’t do that….omg that was amazing. Hunger games?!?!?….moar pls all of the hunger games. Disembodied voices??…..amazing yes please (I loved Knowing You so much!!!). Whew and there are many things I haven’t yet said about Fall of the Crown….but I super love it’s gothic feels and I am super excite~~ (The knife naming/giving?!?!!) And you have more I haven’t even gotten to yet; I can’t wait~

@akai-vampire you take the bare-bones of canon and breath life into it~ When the smallest obiyuki bit happens, my initial reaction is “oh god nina will make me pay for this shortly” Late at Night is so lovely; I feel like “what happened if Shirayuki didn’t make it out” isn’t explored much~ And omg that blurted confession in Dreams….. And honestly, if you seriously SERIOUSLY get to 50 in “The Fifty Times You Stole My Heart” you WILL kill me. It’s only at 6 and I can barely make it now~~~ Srs. All of it.

@vivianwisteria okay, the “how Obi and Shirayuki met as kids” canon mystery is ongoing… However, the way you handled it in Adagio Appassionato is my absolute favorite~ (Canon needs to retcon Violin Shirayuki if Sorata ever actually gives us the backstory there.) I love it so much that when you dropped that bomb chapter I MAY have put off a serious work assignment to go reread everything IMMEDIATELY. I LOVE all of Conductor Obi with Issues so much~ Okay, and Love and Other Monstrosities I mean WUT. There are no other words for that…just WUT WUT WUT!!! Whew, and Impasse, the Damon Lindelof (but better) bad guys here are very mysterious and exciting. And OF COURSE I love found in translation…. And obviously I am SO VERY EXCITE about Ex Gratia~

@jaygirl987 The “worldbuilding” for Neighbors is astounding. For srs, you have fleshed out Bruce, THE CAT, more than most fiction manages to with human side characters. I literally can not wait to see where this goes; everyone’s been established so beautifully. I adore your obiyuki relationship one-shots as well. I can’t wait to catch up on the bingo stories I missed!!!!

@meibemeibelline I haven’t finished all of Apple Red and Gold yet…I REALLY need to make a obiyuki “to read” list post it note. However, I did get to Counting Coins and Motel on the Hill during Bingo. I LOVE your storytelling. Your descriptions and atmosphere are wonderful. Counting Coins was adorable, plus Obi as a hot teacher yes please. Motel on the Hill is so lovely~~~ It’s beautifully melancholy. I can’t wait to read the rest; I’m sorry it’s taken me this long!!

@codango obviously the road to Clarines is gravel is amazing. You succeeded where 18 years of my real life experience did not…you made the cowboy aesthetic attractive~ I adore your characterization of EVERYONE in this and I’ve been super excited for every chapter. Seriously, the individual elements should not appeal to me, but your skill and ability made them in to something I love.

@glitter-and-golden Okay, I never knew that I needed a mithra obi, BUT I DID. If I Walk It's With You Beside Me is a pleasure to read~ SO, I’m also a sucker for fictional food; and after I read this the first time I totally had to eat breakfast for dinner~ I love everything about this, Ryuu, their cottage, Zen, sassy mithra Obi. I am so excite!

OMG this was supposed to be faster… -.- I’m past out of time, so please forgive my abbreviated loves:

@onoheiwa - both your kiss stories were absolutely adorable~~ And I loved the amusement park; Obi’s disappointment when the park was closed was perfect. I can’t wait to read the rest of your stuff!!

@krispy-kream - I loved haki as the amyrlin and izana as forsaken SO MUCH. My memories of early WoT are mixed to say the least….If you want to go ahead and redo all the early books I’d be %100 on board with that.

@another-miracle - your intermissions are beautiful~ your prose is also lovely in general, I’m so sorry I’m behind!!! I’m VERY MUCH looking forward to reading everything you’ve given us~

@littleaverill - your role reversal au was great~~~ I love the idea of obi growing up in the shop~ I can only imagine how he’d be different. I REALLY love your style; there’s an element of the unknown and the implied that always leaves me like I just had a piece of cake that was EVER SO SLIGHTLY smaller that I would’ve cut myself — super delicious but if you even want to send me another slice I’d be okay with it! xD

@nonstopdoodle - The Spice of Life was so cute! Ryuu as AI was perfect~~ There was something very nostalgically Firefly about it that I loved so much~ And just ftr, your ponies are SO SO SO CUTE

@rebeccaravenroth - okay, the balcony-plants story for bingo was so adorable. I am fluent in passive aggressive post it notes. I adore your writing style and storytelling~

I’m sorry I left out a few AO3 people that I don’t know their Tumblr blog name or may not be on Tumblr!!!

#fanfic appreciation day #obiyuki #thank you all so much for what you give us #I wish there was more I could do to appreciate you~~~#<3 <3 <3

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franeridart · 7 years ago

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hey fran, i really love you & your art!! i fell in love w your bokuroteru tattoo au after reading it through, and then i found your bakushimas and i love them so much! you're actually the reason i found the motivation to start bnha lol and i'm really glad i did, so thx!

Thank you!!!!!! So much!!!!!!!!!! For liking my stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *O* and you’re most welcome, I’m super happy you’re liking it!!!!!

Anon said:I love dragons and I love kiri and I love your art so that post is like all three of my favourite things rolled into one, B L E S S.

I’M GLAD YOU LIKED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:your traditional sketches are so cool!!! i feel like it kinda adds like depth to it or something but like those are so neat what if you lined some

Thanks!! And I’ve actually thought about that, but I’m not much a fan of going back on stuff I already posted... it’s more probably I’ll just go back to the concept and draw more instead of lining those haha

Anon said:FRAN UR TRADITIONAL ART IS SO CUTE OMG ITS SO GOOD (also DRAGONSSSS)

GAH I’M SO DAMN HAPPY YOU GUYS ACTUALLY LIKED THOSE OH MY G O D S

Anon said:voltron third season is cOMING SOON AS IN TWO DAYS AAAAAA ARE U EXCITED?

Anon... my pal... my dear friend... I don’t know how to break this to you but... I haven’t even properly watched s2 yet...

Anon said:i started reading bnha bc i wanted to understand your art better, and I gotta say it's a really great series. thanks for inspiring me to read it. finished the manga today and my favs are definitely kirishima, tamaki, toshinori and fatgum. actually I knew kiri would be my fave anyway bc 75% of why i got interested in your bnha drawings was bc of him...he's just?? so good?? that aside your art is incredible and your characterizations of the bakusquad are perfect. you're super cool, keep doing you!

I’m!!!!!!!!!!!! aaahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you so much oh my god ;A; I’m happy you decided to try it, I’m super happy you ended up liking it, and I’m indecently happy you actually do like Kirishima!!!!! BOI!!!!!!!!!!!! He needs all the love he can get, the pure son ;A;

Anon said:your art is so good wth!! everytime i get the notif that you posted i get so excited!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!

Anon said:The fuck is shitty ab these traditional art pics. They're good, everything u do is good, don't play blind u perfect shit

Tough love! Sometimes this comes around my inbox too haha it’s fine anon, the reason why I rarely draw traditionally is that I never feel like I’m done with a drawing when I do, feel incomplete for however much details I put in because tbh there’s always more I can do on them, so with shitty I mostly meant “incomplete” lol going okay this is finished is something I don’t know how to do with traditional doodles hah

Anon said:yo what happened to your hand bro?

Therapy with my dermatologist that ends up giving me blisters on one of my fingers! It’s nothing serious, but makes arting sorta hard haha

Anon said:You should draw more kiribaku kids it had me really interested and brought out my happy

Should I 👀👀👀 an ugly word, let’s try with could next time shall we - that said, seems like yall really did like something that for me was a one time thing! I might get back on them in the near future, just because that post seems to have blown up way more than I had anticipated haha

Anon said:ahhhhhhh i absolutely love your art. i've been feeling very irritated lately and your kiribaku / kiribakushima art really helps calm me down.

This makes me super happy to know!!!! Oh my gods!!!!!! I hope life has stopped getting on your nerves in the couple days it took me to answer, anon!!!

Anon said:Headcanon: kirishima plays dream daddy

To be honest I don’t know anything about that game aside from “it’s a dating sim” and “it’s gay”, but either way to me it sounds more like something Kaminari would play hahaha

Anon said:Hey Fran! I recently caught up with the BNHA anime thanks to you (still have to get around to the manga) and I loveeee itt so much (pretty much adopted like 20 kids😂) have a lil question tho, in your AU/bnha comic thingy are Bakugo and Midoriya finally like... "okay" friends? Or is Bakugo still acting like he hates the poor boy? Thanks in advance and also absolutely love your art~😍

WEEEEHHHHYYYYYY I’m glad you decided to check it out, anon!!!!! But, I’m sorry I’m gonna need you to be more specific here since I don’t have any “ongoing” AU for that fandom atm - exactly which comic are you referring to?

Anon said:I've been restraining myself from going on Tumblr to once a month max for like a year or so now because it was exams and then I had a new year (MY LAST YEAR) of high school to worry about, and I know me. When I go on Tumblr, I stay on Tumblr for literally an entire day. Or more. And then I accidentally stumbled upon your stuff today and wasted (thoroughly enjoyed) a day of scrolling through your art and asks. I never knew I shipped bakushima so hard until today. Thank you for your beautiful art.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’m so happy you decided to use your one day for my blog omfg !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so so much for this ask, it made me really super happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:do you know the song that is playing when endeavor is fight the winged nomu? ive tried looking for it but I can't seem to find it. thanks if you know it. its fine if you don't. btw you're amazing

Eeep sorry anon this ask is so old omfg I hope you found your answer somewhere else - also because I’m actually the worst person in the world to ask about soundtracks orz so, like, double sorry o

Anon said:A cute kirikamibaku thought to hopefully help cheer you as you wait for your hand to heal again: the three of them going out to a restaurant and Denki trying to subtly convince the other two to order something he wants to try when he can't decide what he wants to eat. Whenever he succeeds, he ends up eating just as much off their plates as his own.

This has actually been cheering me up for days now so thank you !!!!!!! Also because I’ve been thinking about Bakugou giving in but making it super spicy out of spite and honestly that’s the funniest thing hahahaha

Anon said:MATSUHANA🌸🌸🌸🌸

IT’S INDEED A SHIP THAT EXISTS! A GREAT ONE TOO!!

Anon said:I can't stop thinking abt that one anon that sent you "Batsuki Katsuki" and I'm losing my fuckin mind over it oh my god but anyway hello I love ur art I hope you have a good day ( ˘ ³˘)♥

THANK YOU!!!! I hope you’ll have a great month, anon!!!! *O* and also tbh same I randomly remember it and laugh by myself thank you anon for that gem I’m never getting over it haha

Anon said:I live for your bakukirikami art. I never had an ot3 until these boys, and they're just so so good. Do you think any of them ever gets insecure/jealous about the other two's bond in the relationship? I feel like if anyone would it might be Denki? But I dunno, because the way you portray them I like to think that they all actually just love watching each other be cute and bond and stuff.

Yeah that’s how I see them! You know how, like... when you’re friends with two people and they’re friends with each other and you look at them being silly together and you’re like boy I’m so glad I have both of you in my life and that I can have you both at the same time and that you can be silly and adorable and happy together too - that’s exactly how I portray the bkk, only it’s romantic instead of platonic haha

Anon said:Your art has inspired me to write some BakuKiri / KiriBaku bless!!!! I'm also writing KiriBakuKami as well, thank you so much for the gorgeous art!

THIS IS THE BEST SORT OF ASK!!! THE BEST!!!!!

Anon said:Hello! It's the anon that asked about posting your art online for the first time. Thank you so much for answering my questions! That means a lot to me. I'll definitely take your advice. You made me feel a lot better about posting my stuff online. I'm gonna go ahead and draw the things that make me happy and,, hopefully I'll find people that like it like me!

AAAAHHHHHH I’m happy I could help!!! And I’m sure you will, anon!!!!! I hope you’ll be able to have a great time in whatever community you decide to be part of *O*

Anon said:I was feeling slightly uck but then I was like "you know what would make you feel better" and I just started scrolling through your blog and HONESTLY you are a blessing I feel a lot better and lighter and looking at your blog is literal self care for me now I love you and I hope you have a fantastic day

Sob thank you so much for this ask ;A; aaahhhhhhhh!!!! I’m so happy I can help you like that and this made me feel great back when I first read it (and also now that I’m rereading it, honestly!!!) so thank you for making my days better too, anon!!!!

#fran answers #using the random burst of strength to finally get around to answering these asks #the weather is being horrible here my pals!!!!#it's so damn hot!!!!!#yesterday it was SO HOT that the place where i live as a whole decided to turn on the ac #and it was such a huge strain on the electricity lines that they just went B Y E #and i was without electricity (and internet) for FIVE HOURS #this is how horrible it's being here #we have an average of nearly 40°C #im dying #anonymous

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briteboy · 7 years ago

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yelling @ santi, i’m evil again (what else is new), SOME REALLY REALLY OLD ASKS, one GoT spoiler at the very bottom (beware)

*angrily slaps santi* GET YOUR SELF TOGETHER YAH POOP HEAD

Lou and Fiona deserve happiness pls let it happen ty

they do ;-; it will happen, don’t worry, no one suffers forever <3 i’ve actually been planning out lou’s story and i’m excited to actualize it hehe

I just read all of Santis story. Dear god, it is amazing. I cannot begin to describe how much I love it. I have been really sick lately and have such a hard time concentrating on anything for more than one second but I have not been able to look away from this story, not even when I re-read it for the third time. You are an amazing writer and I have fallen in love with every charachter you have introduced. I teared up so many times and my heart began beating fast, it was really an experience.

OH MY GOD ;___________; YOU READ IT THREE TIMES WHAATDOSOIGODFSKL holy shit thank you so much, i don’t even know what to say right now lmao ;-; i’m just kinda in awe that i was able to grab your attention like that and that you enjoyed it so much and just askjdjfsd THANK YOU i can’t say anything else but just thank you, people like you make this all worth it <3

A case of the novembers is the kinda story you read and you just know its going to stick with you for awhile. Like ones day, you'll be long gone in the future, doing something totally different, older wiser, all that bullshit, and you'll just randomly remember what a bittersweet story it was.

OMFG ;___; holy heck asjdjnfkdkjs this really got me right in the heart lmao. that’s the kind of story it’s always been for me and seeing other people interpret it that way as well is just mind boggling, thank you <3

You are evil. My poor heart hurts. ;______________;

you've ruined my life

Life hack: listen to the entire Hamilton soundtrack whilst working out at the gym. By the end of it, you'll have lost half your body weight due to sweating and crying at the same time (pls help this was such a bad decision)

OMG that’s me with grimes’ art angels lmao i go hord to kill v maim and venus fly

hamilton fans also go hord i respect it. learn more about history get swole killing two birds with one stone

Okay this is so fucking random but a while ago you did a post where you talked about perfect bby gianni saying that he spent a lot of time in introspection and like Thank you 'cause now I have a word to put on this thing I do when I try to figure why I feel certain things or what my relationship with people/random shit is and why and yeah I kind of understand myself a little better now so thx a lot!!! 😘😘😘 Also, you're great.

i think i was actually talking about santi (’cause that’s where we’re at right now, in that period of introspection for him heheh) but YES omg that makes me so happy ;-; it’s a good word lmao and i do the same thing, in fact i’m always trying to figure out my relationships with everything in order to understand myself more. that’s kinda why i’m so into astrology haha. i’m glad you finally got to pin down that feeling for yourself, it’s the best when that happens <3 YOU’RE GREAT TOO 💫

NOOOOOOOO MY FAVS THIS CAN'T... LOU.... SANTI PLS... THIS IS A RIOT 😭😭

let’s start protesting santi in the streets

Hi!! Umm I'm guessing you do but just in case, did you know there was a tear accessory? I think it's an eyeliner (cause you mentioned having to draw them yourself)

yeah i do! i mentioned the ones by s-club, i’ve used those a couple times. but i like drawing them myself because i feel like it’s weird to have the same single teardrop every time one of my characters cries (and we all know they’ve been crying a lot lately lmfao) if they didn’t cry often i probably wouldn’t feel compelled to draw the tears. but i don’t mind drawing them honestly, it’s kinda fun lmao. thanks for your consideration <3

so im sitting here thinkin....... what if santi goes on this trip and coms back and lou is in a relationship!?!?!

👏santi👏get👏it👏together👏

HE’S TRYIN

i want to die

AAAH SOLE DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN CUTE DEVIL CHILD AND I ALMOST DIED TWICE TATOO MAN YES

I HAD TO READ THIS LIKE THREE TIMES TO UNDERSTAND IT LMFAOSDOJDKF BUT YES their relationship kills me the most ;__;

wait santi tried to kys :'(

WHERE U BEEN he did :{

what font do u use in your histories?

arial!

hi u have a really pretty blog and I hope you have a good day

THIS IS SO SWEET I DON’T DESERVE IT ;-; I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY TOO HONEYBEE 🌻

nyooooooom

I WENT M.I.A FOR A LITTLE AND I COME BACK TO READ UP ON THE STORY AND HOW DARE YOU ASHDDJFKL

@teishajenaie on instagram looks like Rooney to me, idk if you'd agree but ??

i see it!! definitely in the eyes and nose. also sorry i answered this literally like 3 months later lmao

gooey by glass animals gives me santi vibes :) ive been listening to it on repeat (bc im tht bitch) and it was making me think of you and his story! c: i hope you dont mind me over here lmao anyway, im excited to see where it goes and real excited for a back story for lou!! <3 lots of love

omg haha that’s actually funny because i used it in that one scene of him tripping, although it’s like completely a gianni song to me (at least personality-wise, it’s even on his playlist on my character page) and noooo i don’t mind, i love that song and i love when people recommend me songs!! i have a whole bunch of recommendations in my inbox that i need to acknowledge omg. anyway I’M EXCITED THAT YOU’RE EXCITED, especially for lou’s story, it’s coming up reeeeeal soon <333

i feel so late to the party but i Just started reading your story like five minutes ago and im absolutely entranced by it already and i cant wait to catch up and finally understand what to heck is going on

this was sent literally forever ago when santi and molly were out there being wild in the desert lmao so i hope you caught up and everything. “entranced” omg that’s such a wonderful word i’m honored

i didnt think i could love you more but the fact that you watch arrested development makes me so happy. i cry. my boyfriend has a mr manager, bluths frozen bananas shirt thats literally my favorite thing ever.

OMGGG YES i watched it once forever ago and i need to re-watch it asap lmao. I’M PRETTY SURE I BOUGHT THAT SAME EXACT SHIRT FOR MY BROTHER FOR CHRISTMAS ONE YEAR

Just a biiig prank. Huge

this one is from so long ago i don’t remember the context but i laughed at loud when i read it. huge

i was playing with uncharted for the first time today and they said Navarro in it and i was like THATS MY BOI SANTIII

santi infiltrating everyone’s lives my bf played uncharted tho!! it looked cool. like indiana jones. i liked the marketplace part. a monkey stole his apple

Hi sunny! I really am in love with your story (even if it's tearing me apart at the moment) and just wanted to say you're cool Stay strong ma dude

HI THANK YOU <333 you’re also cool my dude and i’m sorry for tearing you apart (if it makes you feel any better this story tears me apart on a daily basis)

what packs and expansions do u have for ur game?

ummmmmm all of them except vintage glamour and fitness stuff. i wish i didn’t buy some of the stuff packs lmao but what can ya do i actually didn’t even get vampires or bowling or parenthood until like a month ago lmao i’m late to the party

Oh shit she's been dead hasn't she. Like this is all a drug or alcohol infused bender of mollys memory, she's probably never left. They're probably still at the hospital. I hope I fucking wrong but shit I also hope not. Poor santi

we’re so far past this but i just wanted to publish this anyway lmao it was a good theory! and this person was so sure of it it kinda made me wish it was true lol. sorry if that disappointed you but i’ll always remember this one in my sad sad heart 💔

how long did it take for you to make friends here? I started a simblr because I really like storytelling with my sims & I thought it'd be fun to meet people who enjoy that, too, especially since I don't have many friends irl...but I've been here for quite a few months now and it seems like no one even cares that I'm here....everyone I try to interact with pretty much ignores me after a message or two....I'm just feeling really discouraged about my presence here :/

I’M REALLY SORRY I DIDN’T ANSWER THIS SOONER ASKJDKJFSDKA (i’m sure it didn’t help the fact that you feel ignored, i really really hope you see this) but okay uhhhhhhh i only had acquaintances from 2015 up until like this year? then i started really becoming close with people. so it took a while lol, but i think everyone starts off slow because it’s mostly about the actual game we’re playing at first and then making friends just happens through that. don’t get discouraged, like i said it took a while for me. you really just need to reach out to the people you’d like to become friends with, reply to their posts, give your genuine thoughts, say something that’ll make their day...people notice that no matter what they have going on, i promise. i hope you’re still here and hanging in there. don’t get caught up in who’s talking to you or not talking to you, just do your thing, enjoy what you do, and people will notice you. <3

3. Hi so I just wanted to say that I love your story, I'm here for every update. I'm an s3 player I play s4 every once in awhile but s3 has my soul. I love Santi and I know he will be happy in the end, whether it's with Lou or not(hopefully it is tho) I only want him to be happy. I go through so many emotions in one post, like this is a tv drama and I can’t wait for the next episode. This is the end of my cut and paste. Have a nice day.❤️

HI HELLO <3 this is so sweet and i can’t believe you actually care about my story lmao thank you i’m glad you have faith in his happy ending, i don’t want anyone to think i genuinely like making my characters suffer lmao. i only do it to make the happy ending more satisfying. asjdfjksd comparing my stuff to film or tv always makes me so giddy so THANK YOU ily <333

"Suicide before you see this tear fall down my eyes" (Beyonce) reminds me of Molly's situation soooo muchhhh aaaahhhhh

OMG YES what a good connection. good song good connection yaeeahhh better call molly with the good hair

Ummmm... hello! I just read through your whole story with Santi and I'm like... holy fuck. Not only is your story wonderful, your editing is so good. I'm surprised I didn't shove my eyes up against my computer screen. Please continue making wonderful things and being great. Signing off 12:31 in the morning, I hope you have as much fun as you want to

“as much fun as you want to” omfgasdkngjd why did that make me laugh so much. don’t have too much fun, have the responsible amount of fun anyway HELLO thank you soooooO much ;-; pls don’t shove ur eyes up against the screen i’m almost positive that’s not good for them. but i appreciate this so much thank YOU for being great <3 signing off at 2:18 in the morning after ignoring this message for months now (i’m sorryyyyyyy) but um ily

HELLO??? I JUST READ A SERIOUS CASE OF NOVEMBER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I'M LIKE CRYING???? y u do dis to me I hate you and love you at the same time

(I need to rant I'm sorry) My uncle is really positive towards the army and war and stuff like that and all day he's been going on about how it should be mandatory to serve in the military, especially for "little brat girls" like me? And it's stressing me out so much I want to cry :( The army and war is something that genuinely scares me and I don't want anything to do with it, but he's just going on and on! What should I do?

this is literally sooooooooo late and i feel so bad i’m sorry, i hope this still helps you out and i hope you see it tho okay. i’m pretty sure this was even before the trans military ban like whew idek what your uncle must think about that. tbh just ignore him, like i know it’s hurtful but like...what is his point in telling you this? i would’ve literally been like (sarcastically) “ok then sign me up” but i’m also a lil shit so that’s probably not the best thing to say. but really like the only thing he’s trying to do is feel powerful by means of expressing his militaristic (no pun intended) opinions to someone far younger than him. it’s so that he feels bigger and better than you (especially by calling you a brat). he’s a sad man and anyone who relies on the military, of all things, to shape a person probably doesn’t have a strong sense of self anyway. i love you okay, just ignore him, don’t let him stress you out <3

I'm a little high and it's late but I have a lot of courage now so I've been following you for a while and I just want to tell you how much I love your story! I have come across other places on tumblr who do this but none have captured me as this one did! You are amazing and I am in love with this story! Thanks fo being you! :)

ONMG YOU HAD TO BE HIGH TO SEND THIS LMAO that was me this weekend anyway thank you so much, it floors me every time anyone says these kinds of things to me and it never gets old ;-; you are so amazing ok <333

you can't possibly be offended by a homophobic joke in game of thrones, it's set in medieval times. they had several lgbt characters in it, it's not the show that's homophobic, it's the characters, which is accurate for that time period.

o i can and i will lmao i mean i get where you’re coming from but with that logic you could say it’s only accurate to put homophobic jokes in today’s media just because people are still homophobic in the time live in. i know it’s the characters, but you do understand that someone writes those characters, right? it’s bad writing. it’s lazy and pandering and because of that it’s offensive. idk if you know the exact dialogue i was referring to but it was so completely unnecessary lmfao. they could’ve made a million other jokes. regardless of how it offended me it was just BAD lmao

SPOILER BELOW OK DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YA

@ I wanna watch GoT anon: don't. It's just so fucking bad. The definition of overhyped tbh (and btw, sunny, PLS HELP HE SCREWED HIS FUCKING AUNT WTH)

LMAO SOMEONE ACTUALLY AGREES WITH ME? wow bless u. it is definitely overhyped, like it was good at first but it’s been riding that hype through these past couple of seasons to disguise the bad writing. i understand being entertained by it, but i’m always surprised when people think it’s actually well written at this point...it’s so cringey and now thanks to the season finale this fanbase will be justifying incest. great!

OK MOVE ALONG NOW

#AND I'LL BE ANSWERING THE CHARACTER ASKS TOMORROW (well today but whatev)#anonymous #nonsims #saviorhide #sunny answers

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dustandthunder · 6 years ago

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ive had a lovely few days.

almost everyone is back in the flat now which is cool, feels like forever since I’ve seen them.

Gina and I went to the gym and then I had an assignment to do so Scott came to my room to do it. We FaceTimed Jaz which was awesome cause I haven’t seen her in ages and ages. And then Gina and Shannon came in too while we were doing the work (I use ‘we’ very loosely, i didn’t understand anything so Scott did mine for me). The three of them sat on my bed and I sat in the desk chair and Jaz was in the phone and it was so cool. Scott only got 50 % on my test but I don’t really care. I did ok in the other assignments for that module so hopefully it won’t make too much difference. Pretty sure I’ll pass regardless anyway (I hope so haha)

Anyway, while Scott was doing the tests, I was doing my makeup cause matt was coming to visit!

The night before we were talking until pretty late. He’d had the day off cause it was Sunday and was on early yesterday so he had to be up at 4 in the morning, but because he’s been on lates a lot recently he wouldn’t be able to get to sleep until around 3. And of course I don’t like to sleep when I could be talking to him so I stayed up too. It was one of those nights where we discuss old stuff and he asks all the questions because we can do that now and it’s ok because we’re over all the shit things and it’s not awkward at all (literally nothing is awkward between us I don’t know why I even needed to say that). But we were talking on FaceTime for ages and I said he should come and see me after work tomorrow (which is now yesterday if that makes sense) cause he finished at 2 and then had the next day (now today) off, and the day after (now tomorrow) he’s on late. So it worked pretty perfectly really !! And he was like yes sounds like a plan .... so yay !

He got here literally as soon as I was done, oddly perfect timing really haha. I was so excited to see him :) it was so lovely, I’m so sad now cause I’m writing this after he’s left and I feel so lonely again haha. Not like properly lonely, just weird cause I’m sat in my room on my own now and it’s all tidy, when earlier all of his stuff was everywhere and my mattress and the air bed were on the floor and there were pillows and duvets and blankets and cushions all over (cause we always make a double bed on the floor and push the single bed frame on its side against the wall cause it’s too small for both of us). Feels like a really awesome sleepover. I guess that’s literally what it is anyway but you know what I mean.

So anyway last night we made the makeshift bed on the floor and then we went out for dinner. We went to this cool place not too far away which is like an American diner and grill. I’ve noticed it before but we’ve never been. It was so lovely inside, with all the booths and red and cream upholstery and Coca Cola fridges and neon tube lights and a big motorbike hanging from the ceiling. It was pretty empty, only two other tables of people. That was nice too, cause I could take photos and have a proper look at it without looking accidentally at people . Haha. The food was good too I would definitely go there again, although it was quite a lot . I think my stomach wasn’t used to a big meal because I haven’t really eaten in a week or so. It was still amazing though. Afterwards it was getting dark but we went for a drive like we always do and we listened to soft songs and it was so nice to be back together, even though it’s not even been very long.

Side note here: I feel so clingy because I miss him so so so much and it’s crazy how much I want his constant company, I hope it’s normal haha. I just really love him to a point I didn’t even realise was possible, and I’m so grateful for every second. I really can’t help being so soppy.

We drove through the mountains and we parked in the lay-by that we always do and we talked about how the new car he’ll get has a retractable glass roof so we can do this sort of thing and look at the stars. I think with that roof I would really want to kneel or stand on the seats and be half way out of the car while he drove, like Sam does in The Perks of being a Wallflower. And listen to stevie nicks singing landslide and maybe cry too, because I’m thinking about that now and it’s making me get a tight chest.

I mean that’s pretty illegal anyway, so maybe not. I’ll settle for holding my hands up through the roof and singing along with Matt and smiling like crazy and him holding my thigh and grinning at me in a way that still makes me cry. Why is my go to thing crying. Everything makes me cry. That sounds amazing anyway.

We sat there in the car for a while. The air was really still and pretty warm compared to what you would think it should have been. There was no signal there so we were listening to the shit on the radio and I had my head on his collar. Perfect nights man

Then we drove back, going too fast as always, and it was pitch black so you could just see the mountaintops either side and I called my mom and it was just great.

Matt was tired so we didn’t go to sleep too late really, he was completely gone by half midnight. I was sleepy but still awake, just listening to his breathing and kissing his shoulder blades and feeling the warmth. god tonight is gonna be shit being back on my own again. I was thinking earlier, in some ways i think it’d be better to not visit because it makes it a million times harder to readjust after yknow ? But at the same time I’d definitely rather deal with that than not see him. I can’t wait til it’s just very single night. I mean it is every single night when I’m back there but I always have to come back to uni. Summer will be good though. Going to work or whatever every day then coming home to falling back into bed next to him. I feel like I sound like one of those people who puts on social media about how their dream is to have a husband and a ton of children and just make it their life to look after them all and never have anything for them self. Haha . (Not that i have a problem with those people at all). But I’m just saying it’ll be nice to have such a long period of not being away.

We got up pretty late, obviously he hadn’t slept the night before so it was understandable, although I was getting pretty restless. We didn’t do too much today. We just went to a town further along the coast and got lunch and went around there for a while. There were lots of sweet dogs everywhere :)))

Talking of dogs, Matt and I have finally decided what dogs were gonna try n get when we have our own place. To be honest this may well not happen but as of now it’s the plan, so @ future me, don’t hold me to this. Ok so we’ve decided we’re going to have three, a Labrador because they’re just lovely, a lil spaniel like Lexie because she’s adorable and I can’t imagine life without her now, and a little sausage dog because we both love them so much. I hope we can rescue some that would be amazing :)

Oh also, when we were walking from my place to matts car, we just randomly saw matts cousin. So weird, turns out he goes to my uni and he lives on my accommodation site ??? Matt had no idea, we just saw him out of the blue. I’ve never met him before I had no idea who he was cause when their family all went to their grandparents at Christmas he didn’t go cause he was ill so I didn’t see him. He’s two years older than me but he’s in first year apparently. How crazy... small world haha.

After we got back from that place, we were going to go to the beach we always go to, but we forgot and came back to my flat. We just got back in bed and cuddled for agessssss with the curtains drawn so it was all dark.

I didn’t want him to go. Obviously. I always get pretty sad when he leaves but hey its only a few weeks now til I’m done with the first year ! That’s so mad honestly . Every single day I tick the date off of the calendar poster I have on my wall, and as of tomorrow I’ll be in the last month .

Anyway, I walked him to the car and helped carry his things down. And then he was gone ! (After a looooong hug) :(

He’s home now, back safe thank fuck. Scares the shit out of me everytime he drives pretty much anywhere that I’m not with him. But he’s ok, so I am too.

After he went I played monopoly with Gina and Shannon, and Gina and I went to do laundry. She paid mine again. She’s always like yeah no worries I’ll pay and I’m just like ???? Thank you so much. It’s not like i couldn’t pay myself but she just insists that she’s got it. Really so grateful .

Right now, like I said, I’m sat on my bed on my own. Matt keeps sending me photos of the dog, she’s so cute. I’m pretty tired, it’s after midnight. I need to take what’s left of my makeup off and go to bed.

It’s been a nice few days, and much as I’m a bit sad now, I am appreciative and happy for that.

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theletterineversent · 5 years ago

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Dear Late Night Uncertainties,

I can't sleep, so my head is doing all kinds of crazy things right now, but I just wanted to tell you that if there's anything I can ever do to be a better girlfriend, all you have to do is tell me. I want to be there for you in every way that I'm wanted and that I can... I'm really excited to move in together and see where life takes us in the future. Just saying that, there's a part of me that won't stop thinking about all the ways I could fuck it up, that even just sending this, you're going to read it, think I'm just insecure and annoying and realize that you could do better. I worry everyday that the next words you'll say to me are "We need to talk" and my whole world is gonna come crashing down because I can't imagine my life without you. Now I'm clingy too. And the rational side of my brain knows that you're not the kind of person who would dig a hole so deep by lying to someone and saying you love them when you don't, or by moving in with them, or by spending any amount of money on coffees for us when I know it's hard financially sometimes. Someone who doesn't care about another person wouldn't do those things.

But sometimes when you snap at me because you're irritated, I don't honestly know if it's because you're irritated with me or slmething else or just irritated. And so I beat myself up because god, I just want to be there for you and be with you and lay in your arms for the rest of our lives. Shit, I want to quit my job and get an RV and just travel the world with you, just the two of us.

I don't know how much of this stems from the fact that I've never had a relationship last longer than a year, or just about a year. Or how much of this is just this suddenly overwhelming depression and anxiett I find myself saddled with.

Please don't think I'm blaming you for anything or saying that you're doing anything wrong. There's definitely days that are wonderful, and then there are days when the end is there, I can hear the words coming out of your mouth like you're actually saying them, and then we say I love you and part and it's all okay, until I start to.overanalyze everything again. Does he mean it? I've been in relationships before where I kept it going well after I had realized that I wasn't invested. Is he doing the same thing? Can't be, we're moving in together? Why would he trap himself.in a one bedroom apartment with someone he plans on breaking up with? He wouldn't be so cruel as to do all that, then break up and just move back in with his friends would he? Could he be capable of that?

I'm just so uncertain and I'm afraid to talk about it with you because I'm afraid you'll realize its true and leave.

Im so afraid. I cant stand it. Im not gonna hurt myself but theres nothing to take my mind off these stuoid thoughts and I cant do anything about them so I sit here and worry and worry and worry and worry and play that stuoid color by numbers game which doesnt take my mind off anything...

Why the fuck are you asking people on tumblr to dm you? I dont care if you post a nude selfie everyday. Girls across the world could look at you and it wouldnt matter. But dm me? Really? Who the fuck is dming you after looking at your nude pictures? What do they want? You said at magstock that it bothered you when guys would stare at me, so why do I feel so guilty thinking about how to bring it up to you that I randomly found your tumblr and that i dont care if you posted that selfie I thiught was just for me, but that the hashtag dm me was the real kicker that partially helped set off this goddamn nightmare of a novel of issues. Dm me?

Dm me?

What do I need to do to be enough? Why do you need DMs for strangers on the internet? Shit. You made me feel.sexy enough to take nude pictures of myself and send them over the internet. That takes a lot of trust. And confidence. And both kind of took a hit tonight.

Am.i too boring in bed? Nevermind, running a porn blog doesnt mean that our sex is bad, I sure hope you'd tell me if the sex is bad, Im not opposed to trying new things if it excites you. And people post selfies all the time, nude selfies too. Hell, one of my friends is a dancer porn star cam girl. The nudity isnt the fucking problem.

You know what, Im mad. Real mad. And i wont talk about it, I know, cause Im afraid that Im already pushing you away so why give you any more reasons to think Im a crazy jealous bitch, right? But I dont think its fair that you get jealous when other guys stare at me and youre literally fucking asking strangers on the fucking internet to fucking dm you on a fucking nude pic? While were literally talking about moving in together? What the actual.fuck?

Do you sext with them? Does anyone even DM you? Three people liked it, that I know. I swear, I try really hard to not be jealous, but shit, I dont even know where to go from here, my thoughts keep getting stuck on how betrayed I feel and how angry I am but also how hurt, and how insecure I feel that Im not enough for you.

Ive given you so much, and you've given me so much too, which is maybe why this hurts so much. I don't know. Its late, and I have work in 6 hours and Im probably not falling sleep anytime soon.

All I want to do is call you and ask about it like a rational adult, and maybe I will tomorrow night, but maybe Ill also just wait until the next time you post a selfie asking people on tumblr to dm you, and maybe Ill create a fake account and dm you from it, and see what you say. But see, thats the bitchy sneaky way to do it and no good comes from that. But will any good come from asking you in person?

What if you try to lie to me and say you dont have a tumblr and I have to tell you I know all about it and I already know that you posted that while we we've been dating?

On another note, do you have something against putting on facebook that were in a relationship? Its been almost a year. Sure, fb official doesnt mean jack shit, and again, on a rational level, I know all of that. But damn, if sometimes it wouldnt make me feel better.

Ive done this in the past, the boyfriend doesnt put relationship status on facebook, doesn't take many pictures with you, doesnt come over to your place as often as you come over to his...

I know (think? Can make up?) Good reasons for these things in our case - relarionship status isnt your thing, the important people know and thats what matters; we have too much fun to take photos together, were living in the moment; damn I live stupid far away and you dont have a car or much money to take a lyft or an hour long bus ride everywhere

Still hurts sometimes though.

You know what else hurts? You'll never see this. You'll never know all these feelings in my head becuase I am.forever to afraid to talk about with you in person or on the phone. You'll never fucking know and I'm afraid that will be the end of us.

I love you, and I want to be with you for a long time, and I can only sit here in this moment, afraid, hoping that this is all just stupid anxiety and that things are gonna get better when we move in together because I dont think I could take the heartbreak.

Love, Me.

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