#its been bothering me since yesterday and i needed to vent this out

[frozenhi-chews]

.

[squirmydonnie]

Vent:

I am.causing my pain

I never know quite where to.look

But when I do. It's often recently been the wrong place

With people who.simply don't have the capacity for me

I hope that they do or will

But the truth is I can never be sure.

I forget that my parents are even an option sometimes.

They would hate to hear that.

And they will same the same things I'm used to.

Sometimes they surprise me.

I often only want more information about them. I don't want to hear your name old story you usually do. The same topic again. I liked hearing more. Not that it was positive things. It was sad things. But I still liked hearing it.

I get the need for.positive reinforcement. But I don't want to give it to you.

I've done it before, and it's become tired.

I don't really feel like it.

I didn't think very much about it before.

I didn't realise I was making a choice.

That I've been making the choice to not tell them.things.

I do it very regularly.

I think.i might be a more healthy individual if I did that from the start.

But I had seen it as something I would do on my own. As to not bother anyone with it.

In the same way I chose to not ask for clothes I liked, out of fear that money would squander.

I wish i wasn't perceptive.

Not that it doesn't do any good for me, but that it hurts me.so much.

Being aware only does you a bit of the work.

I don't really know where I'm going with this.

But it feels better to not be rushed.

Rushed by fear.

Even though I actually still am.

My dad told me I'm the first thing he's ever loved at first sight.

He's told me this a few times.

When driving me home from the hospital he couldn't stop looking at me through the mirror.

My mom had to keep reminding him to focus.

I've never heard him say anything like this about my mom.

It made me wonder if I'm the first thing he's ever loved at first sight, how he could treat me like this.

The way that he did. Because he's mostly stopped now.

But I've forced myself to remember. So I could understand why we are like this.

When I said that it may be a trust issue yesterday. I wished that I could have taken it back. So that he wouldn't think it was so seriously.

I want people to take me seriously but I'm also quite afraid of it.

I didn't want him to think things were more wrong then he already thought.

I guess that he probably should know, but it doesn't make me feel much better about saying it in the first place.

It made me wish I would have shut up. That I just wished I would have been able to so stay quiet like I normally do.

That just the once I'd be able to keep it in, like I do regularly.

But how could it be anything but mistrust when you do not see me.

When I came out it was a mistake.

It was supposed to be 2 years from now.

But I got so caught up in the emotion of the moment that I said it.

This time I was getting so tired of hearing the regular and more annoyance than usual, that I let it slip.

You see a lot about what I was like.

How I was before 5th grade.

He always says that.

He mentions 5th grade as if it's a maker about me. And everytime I don't know what he's saying about it.

5th grade was a turning point, but still what I'd say was a great year for me.

I enjoyed it greatly.

He even admitted that I didn't seem phased by graduating from the grade. So I never fully understood why he's held onto it so much.

He told me about something that happened at the playground once.

But to me because I don't remember it and I can't connect it much with problems I have now I don't really understand.

There weren't any kids my age there. They were all my brothers age or younger. I got sad. We were leaving. But a.girl came there who was my age. I asked to stay and then we did.

Its sweet of him to remember this. But I'm not quite sure what he means by the change.

I really wish that he would hurry up and tell me sooner. That he would just elaborate on it already.

Because he's been talking about it since 6th grade.

I may have an idea of what he's talking about. But I wish he was more specific.

I can't believe I stayed up until 6 today.

[dpurut]

feet vent. lmao. im serious though

ok this is actually the smallest problem i have going on rn but i swear im at a tipping point and this may be my last straw. I am about Ta Explode. Right now.

I have the flattest feet in existence plus a joint disorder so what i have are basically full rectangles for feet. Ive had my current pair of shoes for 5 years i think. Theyre split at the seams, torn apart, the soles are worn, anything you can think of those things are Busted. I need to get new shoes because I can’t walk in these anymore, it hurts like hell. But YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! we went SHOPPING. FOR SHOES. oh swell.

skechers used to be the only brand i could trust to have wide shoes. None were available. I got frustrated. Tried a few more brands. Got even more pissed off. I tried on some converse for fun but i literally started ugly crying in the store when i put them on because they look like SHOE shoes not some excuse of a shoe made of foam like all the other ones ive worn since birth. I had to take them off really fast bc they were digging into my bones. Its still bothering me.

I know there’s no such thing as a normal human body and i wouldnt change anything about who i am right now bc its whats shaped me as a person. But for once i just want some “normalcy”. To not wear the ugliest shoe. For once. This has been going on forever. My elementary school principal used to stop me at the school gates every day to yell at me about wearing the wrong color shoe. I had to explain to her every time that we couldnt find a shoe that fit me in the right color and remind her my mom had spoken to her numerous times since the start of the school year to inform her. Every time, she called my mom again and held me up so I’d be late to class. Gym class was even worse for a million reasons but that’s another topic.

I want to take a walk. I want to hang out with my friends for more than an hour each time. I want to swim, play volleyball, football, whatever the fuck ball or something i dont know. I can’t do that. I just can’t. And I want to, but I won’t ever be able to. And as long as I can’t find new shoes that fit me, i cant do the rest pf the stuff that i normally can. These americans with their long ass thin ass feet dominate the shoe market and im just a fly circling around it. Im sick of it. All my ocs are gonna have box feet and theres nothing anyone can do about it and in THEIR UNIVERSE, GOOD SHOES EXIST.

[seraphdreams]

https://www.tumblr.com/seraphdreams/734650996278558720/hey-seraph-i-know-i-vented-to-you-about-some

Thanks for letting me vent. It means alot to me. And thanks for showing your boundaries as well. If I ever make you uncomfy please let me know. Its also gonna be really long so I hope you don't mind.

It's just that I've been feeling alot more blue since the wedding becuase its just that ever little noise my (POS) younger brother has been making to trigger like roughly barging into my door so that it jiggles and stomping around for the same effect. Its gotten to a point where I can no longer differtiate between the two. Like he hasn't externally been bothering but he's been doing sly shit like slamming himself against my doorknob to jiggle it (what's the word?) And its not even rough its just softly enough to trigger me. And then hes been coming in to the room I'm in, looking at me as if I'm worth less than the scum is his shoe and leaving and after he's already triggered me in just put even lower in terms of mood and self esteem and he's made me feel like I wa sshit and that I have nothing good about me. And he even did it yesterday when I was trying to sleep and he was rocking back and forth and it was really triggering and I wanted to bang on the wall but I was afraid of him and I didn't want to fight him becisse I was afaird of him banging on my door and the general backlash which could cause a fight pulling my hair out (he does that during fights) and he's always just provking me to try snd fight him just so that he can beat me up. And then there's the fact that I cant talk to nobody about it bc my therapist discharged me for three months (that's their policy) and I'm still on the waiting list for counselling and I can't talk to my mum bc she dont fully understand or says that he doesn't (as much as I love her to bits) and I can't talk with my sister bc the last time I ranted to her about ruining my plans we got into an argument and I blocked her. And then on top of that I traumadumped my sisters best friend (who was my designated friend for the day) becuase she knew about the family drama and I thought it was safe to tell her and I also told her about being flirted with by a guy but I thought it was a joke and she reassured me (said that I was above average - beautiful black girl tm) but then she said that I was insecure and constantly looking for validation which alot of girls don't like and even guys and it makes me realise that I do it alot. And I just keep reacting and giving him a reaction bc I get triggered easily and I just don't know how to properly articulate what I'm feeling bc nobody in my family will even listen to me and even say that I'M the one terrifying him. And I talked with teachers and counsellors about it but they just say that all siblings fight like that.

Can you give me advice on how not give him a reactions. Or how to cope with his bullshit. Also what do I do if I am reacting. Sorry for dumping his on you, I just need someone to tell who will listen and not dismiss me.

i just want to say i’m sorry that all of this is happening and people should not be dismissing you especially the ones that are there to help you. that’s no “sibling fight” that’s straight up abuse. and though i’m not well versed on the subject of siblings, i just think that to stop giving a reaction you should stop caring. if i do remember correctly, you said your brother was younger? in that case, it’s futile to give into him since he’s younger and not important.

let’s switch the narrative here — instead of thinking that you’re the problem, think of his behavior. people who are happy with themselves don’t ruin others’ day. in conclusion, he’s just bitter and acting like a child and in that case he needs to grow up. his actions don’t reflect you.

now all of this won’t happen in a day, and if you find yourself reacting just remember that it’s normal in the healing process to fall back, but that just means you gotta push two steps forward. also find things to distract you or rewire your brain from reacting. when you find him provoking you, just think of something else besides his annoyances. something that makes you happy or calms you down. or just switch your focus to a whole new task/topic

[mother-athena]

glad youre feeling better!

am no longer too sick which is good

brains been kinda icky, just lotta mean thoughts an try not listen but they really hurts to hear, feels stuck :( don like, feel really alone an sad and icky

sorry for venting miss athena, is all okay am being brave an hab magnus for cuddles

did get to do anything funs today?

-🧵

Don't apologize for venting, sweetheart. Sometimes its what we need to be able to make sense of and let go of what's bothering us.

I've sorta been dealing with the same thing and its certainly not easy when those thoughts start to antagonize us but you are not alone in feeling this way. Somedays are easier than others but sometimes it helps to go outside and do something that you like or talk to someone you trust.

You're never as alone as you feel or think you are though. Since you've been sick, you're probably spending a bit more time alone than usual and so sometimes these thoughts can creep up on you suddenly but you should try your best to work through them by connecting with things that bring you joy.

For instance, for me, I got to go out with a friend yesterday and spend the day at places I liked and it really helped to pull me out of that awful headspace I'd been in.

[asakurahaos]

tw animal death, tw pet death

long vent/rant bc i need to sort my thoughts.

right. so, my family has a house in the village my grandpas from and we go there whenever we have time. and whenever we go there, our neigbours' cats flock to our yard.

two years ago one of the cats had kittens - and out of all of them only one survived. (theyre all outdoor/barn cats; no one even thinks of having a cat as a pet, or in the house at all, and dont really care for them)

well, that one came over to our yard for the past two years and he would be tangled in our legs before we could even get out of the car.

last week, my grandma and i stayed in the village while my parents went back to the city. hes there, bothering us for pets and food constantly, and other cats are laying about, relaxed. everything is fine until thursday morning.

i woke up and my grandma immediately mock complained about him not eating like usual (he always ate a lot) and said that the lazy ass wandered off to sleep like usually. he ate, bothered us, slept, ate, we bothered him, he slept... you get it. we didnt think anything was wrong at first.

then i found vomit on our porch. we thought it was one of the other cats - she ate a lot that morning, and shes the one who hunts most mice, so with the amount of vomit and a mouse in it, we figured it was her. but she seemed fine, and he didnt show up at noon, evening, night. he was always ready to eat, so him not showing up for an entire day was worrying.

then he didnt show up the next day either, and one of our neighbours came over to tell us another neighbour passed away, and while he was there he wondered where the cat was because he was unused to the cat not bothering him while he was there. grandma explained his not eating + vomiting + disappearance and the neighbour told us people use poison for mice and that the cat mustve eaten a poisoned mouse and got poisoned himself.

i tried to comfort myself: hes a young cat, decently sized, well fed. healthy. the mouse he threw up was nearly whole (if youre squeamish look away - the head and body were separated, but it seemed like he gulped down the entire thing in one bite, which wouldnt even surprise me if he did, and didnt look like it even started dissolving. it was like he swallowed it and threw it back up almost immediately). so, because of its state and him throwing up what seemed like everything he ate, i thought. maybe hes fine. maybe he didnt get poisoned. it shouldnt be possible when the mouse was nearly intact and he threw up everything... right?

and we waited and waited and expected to see him waiting for us either on our doorstep or in the shed where we feed him, like he did every morning since he was a kitten.

we returned home today (sunday afternoon) and were still hoping he will be there, tripping us up on friday afternoon, when we go back to the village. at this point, its been four whole days, and hes never been gone even half as long, but were hoping.

my grandma took it really hard, and its making me worry. i feel like mom is trying not to think about him, and im stuck between 'hes fine, hell return', completely ignoring the situation, and remembering him every time i start laughing or feeling positive and becoming sad, and crying over him and every other kitty weve lost, and all the kittens were inevitably going to lose soon.

on the other hand - a young cat(f) came to our yard for the first time yesterday, and another cat(m) we thought was dead showed up after months of not being there. hes so skinny its heartbreaking to look at (last we saw him, he was hurt pretty badly, which, along with his long absence, is why we thought he died). seeing him was bittersweet, since we love him too, and hes alive but hes so skinny + the timing of his return.

if hes dead i wish that it was quick. and im sorry that he was alone. if hes not, then im bringing him back home, fuck my allergies and apartment-cat trauma. the thought of never getting to bother him again or carry him like a baby and him never bothering us again.... i want him back

[obsessive-ego]

Trust me baby♡

Part 2

Part 1

Nsft musical Beetlejuice x reader

They/them pronouns are used, reader has a vigina

You weren't mad at him exactly, just embarrassed and more then a little annoyed.

Recently you had spent the night at the deetzlands after an evening of babysitting, in all honesty you were there to watch Beetlejuice rather then Lydia, mostly to make sure the house stays in one peice.

But that night Beetlejuice, lack there of a better word, tricked you, into proving you and him are in fact an item and have been "knocking hips" for a while.

Beetlejuice had begged you into sleeping in his 'room' where he convinced you to fuck since no one can hear the two of you in the basement, he lied, through the vents of the house Delia and Charles herd everything, you've never felt so embarrassed in your entire life, you wanted the floor to open up and swallow you whole. But Beetlejuice? He was proud of what he did, gloating about how he's not a liar this time, and how the house owes him an apology.

...

Returning home after that awful morning you wanted nothing more than to crawl in bed and dissappear, never wanting to think about this again. Before you could even get your shoes off your phone buzzes, pulling it from your pocket you seem what's up

A text from Beetlejuice

"Summon me" was all it read, right to the point, you honestly didn't want to, you were still upset with him, it's not like he's in the netherworld he can stay with the deetz alittle longer, kind of like a punishment

Your phone buzzes again

"Say my name!" It read

You frown, the ghost had no patience.

Finally removing your shoes and coat and flop down on the couch, laying on your back, your phone continues to buzz, you groan knowing full well beej was not going to stop.

Not bothering to check his latest text you simply say his name, 3 times, and quickly.

In a puff of green smoke he was there, floating in front of you

"Honey I'm home♡" he coos making his way over to you "making a fella wait, aren't you a cheeky thing♡ but I'll let it slide babes, since you're just waiting for me to jump ya on the couch" her purs loosening his tie, his hair shifting from green to magenta

"No" you say flatly

"Daddy needs a- wait, no?" He stops in his tracks and you sit up

"You lied to me"

"Come on sweets, it was for a good reason" Beetlejuice joins you on the couch, slinging an arm around your shoulder

"I know you're a proud guy, but what we do in the bedroom-"

"Or on the floor, on the table, against the wall-oof"

You elbow him in the gut "Lawrence I'm not joking, what we do, is our business, can you promise me that at least?" You pleaded

Beetlejuice stares at you first a moment before snorting out a laugh "alright babes, ya twisted my arm, no more bragging" he pulls you into a tight side hug, and you sigh in relief, you didn't think he'd agree so quickly, you thought he'd whine or beg or something, but maybe he's finally growing as a person or demon

...

The evening was spent the regular way, bad horror movies and jokes, when it was finally time to turn in Beetlejuice vanished from the living room, you didn't really question it, making it to your room you see where he went.

Beetlejuice was laying on your bed, completely naked, his hair, moss and mold glowing a mix of soft pink and magenta

"Come to daddy sweet stuff♡" he motioned for you to come closer, your body went ridged for a second before moving on its own towards the ghoul.

"Beej-"

"Mmm?" He hums eyeing you up and down

"I don't want to have sex tonight" you say flatly, you were still a little sore about yesterday

"I-" he bites his lip, beetlejuice was hoping you'd be over his little 'mistake' and be ready to fool around again "well- if ya change your mind in the middle of the night you know it doesn't take much to get me up, or wake me" he snorts, and with a snap of his fingers a pair a black and white stripped boxers appear to cover his junk.

You crawl in bed next to him, beetlejuice was hesitant to pull you close until you nuzzled into his chest, with that he wraps his arms around you and tangles his legs with yours.

"Night sweet stuff"

"Goodnight bee" you yawn

...

The following morning you head to work, giving beej, to his disappointment, a rather quick goodbye kiss.

In all honesty the demon would rather you be furious with him than this toned down level of affection, it took months to get you in his pocket and now, it's like he's back to square one. Green fades from the demon's hair only to be replaced by purple, he grumbles to himself about how this whole thing was his fault as he lays on the floor. Normally during this time Beetlejuice would be off scaring your neighbors or digging around you stuff for a quick lust filled fix, but not today, he felt too bad, the ghoul wasn't used to feeling things for others, let alone feeling bad for his own actions, he didn't know what to do with himself other then just lay there and mope.

Hours pass with your demon doing nothing but laying on the floor, at this point his tie, and suit now matched the deep purple of his hair, but his moping was finally cut when his phone started buzzing. In a flash the ghoul sits up and eagerly begins digging through his jacket, pulling out the phone and seeing your name, it was a text

"Hey, Charles called me asking to watch Lydia again tonight, I'll be heading there after work, I'll summon you when I get there" it read

This was perfect, the purple quickly left Beetlejuice's form in favour of an electric green, practically glowing with excitement.

There's no way you'll continue holding back from him after the two of you have a good time together, he and Lydia can scare the piss out of some stupid breathers, that'll make you laugh, and you'll forget all about his little 'mistake', you'll be swapping spit and knocking hips with him in no time.

"Cant wait <3" he types back, beetlejuice only had this gadget for a few days and he's already getting the hang of it, after hours of Lydia teaching him how to text, and the kid nearly losing her temper with him, the ghoul now considered himself a pro.

...

The evening at the deetz went as well as Beetlejuice planned, Lydia played right into his hand, not that it took much convincing for the opportunity to scare some breathers. Better take put drivers and mailman, beetlejuice had you laughing so hard no sound was coming out, it was perfect, he was practically glowing, you'll be back in his pants in no time.

As the night goes on Lydia bids the two of you goodnight and heads up stairs to her room, with the kid gone beej takes the opportunity to 'seduce' you.

The two of you are sitting on the couch watching nothing really notable, beetlejuice slides in close to you slinging an arm around your shoulder

"So now that the kid is in bed, how's bout the babysitter sits on my baby maker?" He purrs leaning into your face

You snort out a laugh and give his a playful shove

"Don't be gross bee"

"Come on sweet stuff, you love my baby batter♡" he jokes pulling you into an embrace and pushing you down on the couch

"Knock it off Beej" you laugh as the ghoul continues with the gross names for his dick and cum

"Come on sweets, I just want to bury my meat in your penis fly trap♡" he coos as he lifts your legs around his waist

You were pinned beneath him on the couch, his hands on your thighs and your legs around his waist

"I missed this babes♡" he whispers

"Beej it's been 2 days"

"Time works different when you're dead" he shrugs

"Well I'm sorry, but after last time, we're not-"

"I know, I know, a line was crossed, ect ect" he waves off

"Yeah..." you yawn

"Aw babes, am i boring you?" Beetlejuice snickers

"I've been up since 6am, Mr I don't have a job"

"That's not a no" he chuckles grinding his hips against yours

You suppress a moan, and shove him off

"I think I'm gonna head to bed" you yawn again

The ghouls eyes light up and in a flash he's pulling you off the couch and leading you to his 'room' in the basement

"After you baby cakes" the ghoul opens the basement door and gestures you to enter, you give him an odd look before heading door stairs.

"I hate to see you go, but man, do I love to watch you leave" he whispers to himself, his eyes fixated on your bum as you walk down into the basement. Beetlejuice waited for you to be out of sight before he removed his tie and hung it on the outside of the basement door, closing it behind him as he followed you.

...

His room was just as the two of you left it, the same mattress on the floor, the same blankets and pillows haphazardly tossed about, the same Christmas lights hung around the bed for 'mood lighting' its only been 2 days, why would anything be different?

"Make yourself comfortable" Beetlejuice's gravely voice blows through you ears and a shiver runs up your spine

Said demon had already made himself 'at home' as he lays on the bed infront of you in nothing but a pair of boxers motioning you to come hither.

You chuckle "I forgot my pajamas upstairs-"

"You don't need em♡"

You pause for a second, thrown off by his response, normally Beetlejuice would magic them on you

"Not tonight" you say simply as you begin to head back up the stairs

"NO! I mean, noooo, I got ya covered" and with a snap of his fingers your clothes were replaced with an over sized tee shirt and a pair of loose fitting boxers

You make your way to the bed and lay down next to beej.

The both of you getting under the covers and getting cozy, beetlejuice spared no time pulling you into him, your legs tagged with his, your head resting on his soft chest, and his hands resting on your back.

This was nice, as sore as you were for beej broadcasting your sex life to others, you didn't like being mad at him, and pulling back on the physical affection as punishment was becoming a tad depressing for you, you've grown too accustomed to his touch.

This softness was short lived

"Knock it off bee" you grumble as you feel the ghoul cup and squeeze your bum

"Come on sweets♡" he purrs pulling you close "I promise to be quite, Chuck and Delia aren't even home-"

"Fool me once"

"We can just do hand stuff?" He pushes

"Not tonight"

"Come on babes, how bout some tonsil hockey at least?" He whines, beetlejuice was desperate for your physical touch, it's been too long since the two of you been intimate in bed together and he was at his wits end, the ghoul had become so used to your warm affection it was like a drug to him.

"Okay, just kissing" you sigh pulling yourself up to the ghoul's face

Beetlejuice wasted no time cupping the back of your head and slamming his lips into yours, pushing his tongue into your mouth.

His tongue was long and cold and very eager to push around your mouth, you muffle out soft sound as his hands find a home on your bum.

You pull away gasping for air, you push off beej, now straddling him, you flinch at the familiar bump grinding against your ass

"Lawrence, I said just kissing tonight"

"I know♡" he purrs, hus hands  now moving to your arms, gently rubbing up and down

You knew that tone, in a flash Beetlejuice had  switch places with you, him now pinning you to the mattress

"Bee-" you sputter surprised

Beetlejuice doesn't respond, instead his gives your lips a quick peck before slipping beneath the covers and heading south

"No" you groan, if the two of you were home this would have been welcomed, but you weren't, and you were too self conscious to play this game again

You reach in after him and grab a fist full of his hair, giving it a light tug

He moans in response

You tug again, alittle harder this time

He moans again

A third time you pull and the noise that follows wasn't something you could describe, pulling the contents of your hand into view you see you have pulled off the demon's scalp, magneta hair, skin, his equivalent to blood,  you flinch at the sight, for a moment forgetting he's dead,

"Beetlejuice I know you think you're being funny but- ah♡" your words were cut in your throat as Beetlejuice had reach his goal, you quickly slap a hand over your mouth to muffled the sounds as the demon shoved his tongue in your most sensitive area

I guess this still counts as kissing

"Bee" you whine through your fingers

"You need to be quiet, remember♡?" His voice rings clearly through your ears

Beetlejuice eagerly lapped at your pussy, his long cold tongue explored your vagina, while his nose clumsily bumped against your clituris.

"You taste so good babes" he growls, his voice was clear as a bell even though his mouth was busy

"Lawrence♡" You sigh through your hands

Beetlejuice slowly removes his tongue from your opening, you whine in protest, but in a split second you nearly shriek out, his mouth had moved to your vaginal entrance and was now licking and sucking on your clituris, the man could play you like a fiddle.

As you lay there, toes curling, one hand grabbing at the sheets, the other over your mouth muffling your moans, Beej's hand emerges from the covers to grab his scalp you took from him moments earlier, grabbing said scalp, it retracting back beneath the blankets, out of sight.

Beetlejuice's tongue swirled around the clit, while two fingers inger probes your entrance, the demon could tell you were almost at your limit by the way your hips bucked and how your legs twitched. Please with his doings he decided to push his luck

"You close?" He teased, removing his mouth from you and stopping his touch

"Yes" you whisper

"Are you still upset?♡"

"No" you whine desperate to finish

"When we get home can we-"

"Yes, whatever you want, please just-" you cry, you had a rough day, and honestly this was too good to leave undone

"Whoa babes♡ I'll hold ya to it" Beetlejuice chuckles before diving back in and sucking your clit and teasing your entrance

A muffled whine and a rough bucking from your hips, not to mention a mouth full of your juices, was enough to signal, you finished.

Beetlejuice crawled back up out of the covers, his hair slowly fading from magenta back to a mix of pink and green, he gives you a smug grin.

You take a second to come back from your sexual high, after a few deep breaths you Address him

"What about you?" You breath out

Such a simple question nearly got the demon's heart pumping

"Don't ya be fretting bout little ol me, you can thank me later♡" he winks giving you a little nudge before pulling you in his arms, you rest your head on his chest

"Night babes"

"Good night Lawrence... if tomorrow I go upstairs and anyone in the house herd us, I'm banishing you for a week" you mumble before dozing off

Beetlejuice chuckles "trust me babes, not this time"

[lukewarmstew]

I havent been posting as much, im feeling like fucking shit and like such a failure.

I know this could be considered "recovery" but im not loving any single piece of food that im putting in my mouth, im hating everything about me even more and im done with myself.

Ive been telling myself that I'll relapse tomorrow and it ends up in a binge (1,000+kcal) and i end up having anxiety attacks at night and also lots of self hate and regret. I cant do this anymore, im literally at my lowest, and it doesnt help that my arthitis its getting worse, it makes me depressed and makes me wanting to eat everything.

Tomorrow im going to the hospital and i already know my weight (48.4kg, probably gained this week), and to see myself in the mirrow and seeing a big difference in my face, i hate it, even more than before...

I am very upset and angry with myself because ive lost all my progress because of me. I feel lost and done with everything but mostly myself and my actions. This week when my mom started talking about plans that involved food, i knew i was gonna fail restriction, and to be fair i was planing to restrict by october so i was kinda ready to eat everything... i logged everythin i ate and then regret eating, even yesterday i was doing great but im always losing self control these days and i dont know why i cant fight it..

Today i didnt even bothered to do a low cal breakfast, i knew that i wanted some shitty cookies and i just grabbed them and ate them, i just cant control myself now, what is wrong with me??? I dont want to recover, it looks like it but im at my lowest right now, i dont want to gain more and more weight...

Since its difficult for me to walk right now, im just going to restrict as much as i can... i dont care about my mom finding out or if it means I'll have to purge, i want to lose weight, i need to lose weight.

If anyone reading this (which i dont expect, im just venting) i am going to spam my thoughts when i feel like binging, food or whatever shitty thought i have. I hope this makes me feel better about my restriction, worse about my binging and idk what else, but to keep myself acountable...

Whoever reads this... just tell me to kms and to starve, i need that type of inspo rn...

I'll keep updating in this boring ass blog.

See ya.

-Maruu

[oikawaplssteponme]

The Apartment: part 4

▪️part 1

▪️part 2

▪️part 3

pairing: Kuroo Tetsurou x fem! reader

ratings/warnings: swearing, a little suggestive at times but nothing bad

synopsis: You knew that living with your three best friends, Kuroo, Oikawa, and Bokuto, would be a wild ride. It’s never a dull moment with those three. Let’s just hope you can keep your huge crush on Kuroo a secret when he is only a room away.

a/n: hi friends💕 i had a lot of fun writing this part so i hope you guys like it :)) the taglist is still open so just lmk if you’d like to be added and so are my requests/asks, so don’t be shy and say hi✨ enjoy xx

•

Four: maid outfit

You laid on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. It was far too late for you to be up yet here you were. Not only was the couch uncomfortable, but your head was filled with thoughts that you’d rather not think. You kept thinking about Kuroo. Maybe if you would have just told him that you liked him, he would’ve reacted differently. Or he would have reacted just the same, making you feel worse.

You were stuck in the friendzone. Except the friendzone was quicksand, and you felt there was no possible way out. The air vent blew down on you. You hugged your blanket close to you. You couldn’t understand why you felt like this. It wasn’t like you were planning on telling Kuroo anyway. You said yourself its better to keep things the way they are, so why did you feel so upset? Maybe your feelings for Kuroo were a bit more than a longing crush.

You flipped onto your side, once again regretting your decision to sleep on the couch. Suddenly, you heard footsteps heading for a door. You were surprised someone could be awake at this hour, since everyone had gone to bed way before you. You heard a door open, so you shut your eyes pretending to be asleep. You felt their presence get closer to you. Then you felt what you presumed to be a second blanket, lay on top of you. The footsteps started to move back to their room. You peaked your eyes open, and saw Kuroo, slowly walk back into his room.

~

“Y/N-CHAN!” You were suddenly awoken by a loud voice next to your ear. You jolted up from the couch, causing you to fall onto the floor, still wrapped up in not one, but two blankets.

“Y/N get off the floor. I need you to answer my question,” said Bokuto. You sat up from your fall looking at Bokuto with evil eyes.

“Bokuto I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but screaming in someone’s ear is NOT the proper way to wake them up,” you growled, rubbing the back of your head. Bokuto rolled his eyes.

“Yeah yeah whatever. Anyway, back to my question,” he said.

“If you didn’t notice dumbass, you asked your question when I was asleep so I didn’t hear you.”

“Okay so I’m going with Akaashi to his writers conference next week and do you think I should pack an extra bag just for snacks or will we buy them along the way? Because sometimes I pack them and then Akaashi says-“

“Bokuto, why on earth would Akaashi bring you to a writers conference?”

“Obviously to keep him company, come on Y/N, keep up with me here.” You groaned and stood up to be look at Bokuto.

“Pack the snacks, we all know you’ll end up eating more than less,” you said, patting his shoulder.

“That’s what Kuroo said too but I don’t trust his opinion.”

Your heart dropped. Right. Kuroo.

“Is- uh- Kuroo awake?” You asked.

“Yeah but he’s having a meeting with his Chemistry professor,” explained Bokuto. You let out a sigh of relief. Suddenly, the events from last night came to mind.

“Wait...is Oikawa awake?” Bokuto looked at you nervously.

“No…”

“Bokuto?”

“He’s in his room,” he muttered. You clenched your fists. You stormed over to your room.

“TORU IM GONNA BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!”

You slammed open your door to see Oikawa laying on his bed, using his endless amounts of pillows as shields from your wrath.

“Y/N, my dearest love, let’s be rational here,” he pleaded.

You charged over to him, jumping on his bed and pinned him down.

“Y/N if you wanted to get down and dirty all you had to do was-“

“Oh shut up. You are so lucky that Iwaizumi was here last night or else I would’ve kicked your ass.”

“I know you’re trying to sound threatening but honestly you just sound hor-“

“TORU!” Oikawa sealed his lips together.

“Do you remember what happened last night?” You asked. Oikawa gave you a sarcastic thinking face.

“Hmmm are we talking about the PG stuff that happened or the PG-13 content that occurred after the party-“

“Oh my god why do I even bother with you.” You let go of Oikawa and he sat up to face you.

“I have a horrible feeling that you’re talking about my big mouth from yesterday,” he whispered.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m talking about shithead.”

“It is way too early for such vulgar names Y/N.”

“Oikawa!” You were slowly losing your patience.

“Okay okay, yes maybe I slipped up a little. But hey, I gave you a good excuse to confess to Kuroo, so all is well.” You could feel the smoke coming from your ears.

“No it’s not because he turned me down last night!” Oikawa’s eyes grew.

“He did what?”

“Yeah he basically friendzone me. Badly.” you explained.

“Oh shit Y/N, I’m sorry. Maybe he will change his mind,” said Oikawa. You looked at him with pleading eyes.

“I don’t know Toru, I feel like it’s never gonna happen.” You shook your head and rubbed your eyes. You heard a heavy sigh and you looked over to the doorway and saw Bokuto standing there with a frown.

“If Kuroo doesn’t like you then he’s just an idiot,” said Bokuto. He walked over and sat with you and Oikawa.

“Great now everyone knows I like Kuroo,” you joked.

“Well it’s not like you’ve liked him your whole life or anything,” said Bokuto. You looked over at him with widened eyes.

“You’ve always known I liked Kuroo?”

“Yeah I thought we all did. That’s why last night I didn’t see the big deal. I think Kuroo’s just too dumb to see that the answers right in front of him,” explained Bokuto. You gave him a playful push.

“Bokuto! Did you ever say anything to him about me?”

“No, why would I? Unlike some people I can keep my mouth shut...for the most part,” he looked over at Oikawa. Oikawa groaned.

“Okay well since we are all on the same page, we gotta make a plan to get Kuroo and Y/N together,” said Oikawa.

“I mean you two will be the only ones home next week, so try to do something then,” suggested Bokuto.

That’s right, you and Kuroo will be the only ones in the apartment next week. Bokuto will be with Akaashi and Oikawa is taking a mini vacation with Iwaizumi.

“Guys its gonna be so awkward with just me and him,” you pouted.

“Y/N you have to make an effort or else you’re gonna lose the nerd to some other bitch,” said Oikawa. Again, he was right.

“Fine fine. But what would I even do?”

“Walk around the apartment in a maid outfit,” blurted out Bokuto. You slapped his arm as Oikawa laughed.

“Wait, that's actually a good idea,” giggled Oikawa.

“I am not gonna seduce him with a fucking maid outfit,” you said firmly. Oikawa sighed.

“Well unless you have a better idea, I think we should head over to Party City and-“

“NOT HAPPENING!” You interrupted.

“This might be a crazy idea but you could just TELL HIM YOU LIKE HIM!” said Bokuto sarcastically. Your face got warm.

“But-but-“

“No buts Y/N. When Oikawa and I come back, I expect some progress to have been made,” huffed Bokuto. You sighed.

“I’ll do my best,” you muttered. Bokuto wrapped his arm around you and placed a friendly kiss on your head.

“And hey, if he rejects you again, it’s not like things could get any more awkward,” he smiled. You laughed and hugged him back.

“Woah what’s going on in here? An intervention?” said Kuroo, standing at the doorway. You didn’t even hear him enter the apartment, let alone your room.

“Shit Kuroo, you scared me,” you said.

“Uh how long have you been standing there?” asked Oikawa.

“Maybe a few seconds. Don’t worry I didn’t hear any of your top secret conversation,” Kuroo smiled. The three of you let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank god,” you muttered.

“I brought lunch if you guys want some.” Kuroo held a bag of takeout food. The three of you jumped up from Oikawa’s bed and rushed over to him.

The four of you sat at the table and ate your lunch. You kept looking at Kuroo, trying to think of anything you could do to possibly get him to like you back. In the past, a whole week alone with him wouldn’t have seemed so scary. But now that your crush on him was on high gear, you needed to control yourself. It’s not like you could make matters worse.

Right?

•

[taglist OPEN: @vangoghpoets @vangoghmusings @lilnuances @nerdybreadcollaborative @cloudswritings @foxyyychan @tamaguchi @jessie9008 @bitandbytes @yeehawnana @166cm @bigchaosenergy @tumbledor3 @captain-janeway (if your name is in bold that means i couldn’t tag you)]

[rebelrainfall]

you know what they say about absence

ao3 link here

Hey @cassianserso it’s me, your secret santa! I loved your prompt (Jyn and Cassian writing letters to each other), and I had SO much fun with it. I so hope I did it justice!

***

The cold air hits Jyn like a wall as the door to the transport swings open. It may be a good thing - there was barely room to sit down during this last four-hour leg of the return trip and she’s about ready to collapse. Cassian’s not in the hangar, not that she expected him to be, and neither is the U-wing. He must have left already, for what will be his first covert op in almost a year. He was so restless being grounded, hated feeling useless. She’s happy for him.

She’s less happy for herself, not that that’s a thought she has the time or will to explore.

No matter what Solo might say, there’s nothing weird about what she and Cassian are. Since those few, tense weeks after Scarif they’ve become close, and that’s all it is. They share a room because it’s convenient. They’re friends. Partners. And yeah, if someone had told her a year ago her life would be like this she would have been terrified, but things are different now. It’s good. What they have is good. She’s good at soothing that little voice that cries every now and then (more than she’d ever like to admit) for more. What he gives her is more than enough.

Jyn punches the code into the door of their room, ignoring the pounding behind her eyes. She has a day and a half before she’ll have to ship out again and she intends to spend as much of that time as possible asleep. Even the hot water in the ‘fresher isn’t enough to keep her there for a moment longer than necessary.

Cassian is definitely gone. The cot across from hers is neatly made, his least-conspicuous jacket gone from its hook. He’ll be on a mid level of Coruscant by now, if she remembers correctly what he told her. 

Her own things are almost entirely the way she left them. Her blankets are half-on, half-off the bed, her vest thrown over the back of the desk chair, but there is something different. 

There’s a piece of folded flimsi on her pillow.

There’s no introduction - her name isn’t even on it. But the note is in Cassian’s handwriting.

I was hoping you’d be back before I left and it came so close. If you arrived when you were scheduled to it’ll only have been an eight hour difference. I can’t say when I’ll be back but I think it should be soon. 

I heard from Bodhi yesterday. He says to tell you training is going well. He didn’t say as much, but it sounds like things are going well with Skywalker, too.

K wasn’t cleared to come with me for this one and he’s very upset about it, so be advised. He should be having his ocular lenses replaced in Bay 3 if you need him.

Maybe you’ll be around when I get back next time. I guess I’ve gotten used to [word(s) scribbled out] having someone else in the room at night. The silence is strange.

There’s no ending or signature, but she doesn’t need one. Cassian never struck her as one for gestures like this, and that he went out of his way to leave this for her makes her warm in a way she refuses to linger on. 

She sleeps twelve hours that night, and ten the next, and in the time between she snatches a sheet of flimsi from a supply closet to return the favour.

I’m sorry I can’t be back to see you. Trafficking rings don’t like to be kept waiting. At least I had two full nights in a proper bed, but you’re right. I miss It is too quiet here alone.

K is a little more charitable now that he can see again. I almost want to say pleasant, but we both know that word doesn’t apply to him. Don’t listen to anything he may tell you - the smoke bomb was his idea.

I’m shipping off again this afternoon to the outer rim, somewhere near Sullust. Pilot says the planet’s almost as cold as here. Bet you had a nice warm room on Coruscant, too bad I can’t stow away with you.

She leaves her note on his pillow and climbs into the shuttle with his in her pocket, like some holo-drama damsel collecting love letters. 

 Maybe he’ll be here next time she gets back.

II.

He isn’t. 

There are signs all over the room that he was here, at some point, since her. Another jacket missing from its hook, an empty mug where she didn’t leave it.

Another note on her pillow.

Just missed you again. We have the worst timing. I’m back on Coruscant, but this next stint is [word(s) scribbled out] delicate. I might be back in a few weeks, but it could be months. I hoped to see you before I left, but you’re right. The war doesn’t wait. 

Don’t let it go to your head, but I think I miss you. I still couldn’t bring K and it gets [word(s) scribbled out] boring by myself. K’s still being a grump - keep him company for me, hey? I also heard something about him attempting to create his own language to bother Skywalker’s droid, so I suggest you keep an eye on that.

There’s still no signature, but this time there’s a date. Two weeks ago. Jyn puts the flimsi down with a heavy breath. It could be months. The timing is… not great. She has an unusual stretch of downtime, more than a week, and no one to spend it with. This is the end of what she’d become accustomed to, she realizes. Now that he’s back in the field, Cassian can no longer be a daily fixture in her life. The prospect frightens her more than she cares to consider.

It’s ironic. Never thought I’d be sad to be alone.

Of course it isn’t so lonely as she might have feared. Bodhi is finally back from his flight training, a full-fledged X-wing pilot with the stories and the friends to prove it. He’s come such a long way in the short time she’s known him and his company is refreshing, even if he isn’t the man she finds her mind wandering far too often toward now that he’s gone.

She sleeps fine that week, though the nights are still too quiet. She could never miss the hum of snoring and whispers of the pathfinders at night. But alone, the dark and the quiet are oppressive in their deepness, threatening to swallow her without Cassian’s steady breathing from across the small space. It scares her, how accustomed she’s gotten to having someone else around. To having him around.

Maybe this is for the best, this separation. She hadn’t realized how much she relies on Cassian, his presence, his kindness. It’s a dangerous game, to rely on anyone. She’s always held a savage pride toward her independence, and maybe this reminder is what she needs to get herself back on track. 

Maybe.

But when she considers it, life without him seems more frightening even than the weakness of reliance. She doesn’t have to be alone any more. The night before she leaves again she sits at the desk in their quarters writing him another note.

Sorry I can’t be here, tried my best! Since you’re so broken without me. I’m never forgetting that and I’ll make sure you don’t either.

Hope you’re here when I get back. I need Bodhi needs someone else to talk to - you can only hear the same three stories about Luke Skywalker so many times and I hit my limit two days after he got back.

Heading back to the outer rim today. Those traffickers from before are gone so now we’re just cleanup crew. Getting sick of Dameron’s jokes. Not that yours are any better. 

Maybe I do miss you

III.

Four time zones on three different planets in the space of a week and Jyn’s circadian rhythm is wrecked. Thane says it’s 0500 local time when they hit atmo and she has to take his word for it because that makes as much sense as anything else.

She doesn’t see many people as she lugs her duffle back toward the barracks. It’s early enough that anyone on a night shift is still working and most of those who start in the morning aren’t awake yet. Madine’s given the crew the full day off, thank the force, and Jyn intends to take full advantage of that fact.

She opens the door and switches on the light before she notices anything different. Someone startles upright on the cot across from hers.

“Shavit, sorry!” She flicks it back off, already halfway to the ‘fresher to turn on that light instead as her pack lands on the floor with a quiet thud.

“No, no, it’s ok. I’m not - I wasn’t asleep.” Cassian’s voice is rough, but alert. “Turn on the light.”

She does, kicking off her boots, before the first thing he said registers. “It’s five in the morning! Why weren’t you asleep?”

He shrugs, squinting at her as his eyes adjust to the light. His hair has gotten longer since she saw him last, long enough now to fall in his face. A little part of her wants to comb it away from his eyes, or maybe tousle the bit by his ears. She shoves the thought away.

“Hi, by the way,” he says, ignoring her question. “Did you just get back?”

“Yeah.” She slumps down on her bed. “And hello to you, too.”

Stars, she’s missed him. Until now she hadn’t realized how much. But now that she’s looking at him… The way he smiles at her, gentle, makes her want little more than to wrap her arms around him. Kiss that gorgeous grin off his face.

Oh.

When did that start?

(A long time ago, not that she means to admit it).

He’s saying something but she missed the beginning, a little distracted.

“Sorry?”

He shakes his head. “You really are tired. I said, meet me for lunch, if you’re awake by then?”

“Sure, I probably will be.” She’ll make sure she is - like she would skip a meal with him after the six weeks they’ve just missed each other. “How long are you back?”

“Technically, I’m still a stand-by agent. So probably a while.

“I have at least a week.” Jyn drags herself back upright and heads towards the ‘fresher. The sooner she gets in the shower, the sooner she can get out and into bed. The hot water is heaven after so long caked in mud, but it still isn’t enough to keep her any longer than necessary. Once she’s out and dressed she sits on the counter to braid her hair, listening to Cassian talk about Coruscant through the open door.

“You should know, my ‘apartment’ sucked. My neighbour in the unit below smoked and it would come up through the vent and I didn’t have any windows. You would have hated it.”

“Wanna bet? I slept in a tree last night. Not a treehouse or even a platform, a hollowed-out tree.”

He huffs a laugh. “Sounds like fun.”

She finishes her hair and turns her attention to the healing gash on her shoulder, opening the cupboard for a square of gauze and a roll of medical tape. She hops down from the counter to pass them to him. “Help me with this?”

“Where?”

“Shoulder. I can’t quite reach it.”

She turns around and pulls down the strap of her tank top to show him. He hisses in sympathy.

“What did you do to yourself?”

“Fight with that stupid tree. It looks worse than it is.”

“Still.”

Settling down on his bed, he guides her to sit in front of him so he can center the gauze over the wound. His hands are gentle smoothing the edge of the tape to her skin. She hopes it’s cold enough that he’ll assume that’s what makes her shiver. He’s so careful - far more than she would have been.

He runs a hand softly up and down her back once it’s in place, and Jyn freezes. 

“There,” he murmurs, “All patched up.”

“Thank you,” she says, proud of how steady her voice is. Force, she’s pathetic. He’s her friend. This is nothing new, this touch is not new. 

If she were to lean back she would be in his arms.

Not that she’s thinking about that.

They’ve lived together for months. He’s touched her more than this dozens of times. Why is this the gesture to undo her?

Cassian clears his throat and she almost jumps. Kriff, did he notice her sudden nervousness? But then he gestures to the desk and the two cups on it.

“Caf for me, tea for you. Should be cool enough to drink, now.”

Oh, he’s an angel. She stands up to get them and then to sit down on her own cot, grateful to have an excuse to get away from his overwhelming proximity. She passes his mug across to him and takes a sip of hers, and of course it’s her favourite kind.

“Thank you. You’re getting up now?”

“If I get more done this morning I can have a longer break for lunch with you.”

Stars, has he always been this kind?

“Aw,” she deadpans, “It’s like you missed me.”

He flicks his eyes up to hers, then looks down into his own drink. 

“I did.”

She focuses on her tea, carefully not looking at him. She can’t feel this way. Not now, not ever. This is Cassian. 

“How did the rest of the trip go? Aside from the evil tree.” It’s been quiet for long enough that the question is a surprise. She shrugs. It’s ok, she tells herself. He’s her friend and that’s more than enough. She’ll love him forever for it no matter how else her traitorous heart might behave.

“Boring. Helped Kyrell’s squadron distribute aid for a while, and then we took out the last holdout cell. It was never a huge operation. That ring had maybe a dozen ships.”

“Boring is good.”

“Mm. How about you?”

“A little less boring, but I can’t… it’s classified, sorry.”

She knows he’s not brushing her off. She wishes there was something he could tell her, if only to keep hearing his voice after so long, but she’s used to that answer. So she takes another sip of her tea and tries to remember anything that’s happened. Anything she could say to make him smile.

“How is Kay?” Is what she settles on. “Did he finish that spite-project of his?”

“His language? He did, and Threepio is suitably bothered.”

“Good.”

“What’s better though - the princess caught wind of it and now she’s trying to figure out if we could work it into a code. So all the droids might have to learn it, not just Threepio.”

It was the right topic. Casisian’s lit up as he tells her about this, all the little details he knows. She finishes her tea before she has time to realize it, and her exhaustion really is starting to catch up with her, but it’s not until Cassian stands up that she gives any of that a moment’s thought.

“You should get to bed,” he says, crouching down to fish his clothes out from the drawer under his bed. “You have six hours ‘til lunch and if you’re late I’m not saving you caf.”

“Mean,” she grumbles, pulling her blankets up off the floor and setting an alarm on her datapad while he takes out a towel. She hears Cassian turn on the shower as she lays down. She’s asleep before it shuts off.

*

Jyn would not consider herself a morning person. Not that it’s truly morning when her alarm goes off at half-after noon, but that’s just a technicality. She tells herself it’s better for her sleep cycle to get up now, and go back to bed at a more normal hour, but really it’s only her plan with Cassian that gets her properly awake.

Alarm still blaring, she reaches under the bed to grab the first set of clothes she can reach. She sits up, stretches, and reaches to turn it off.

And stops.

There’s a piece of flimsi on her datapad.

Confused, she reaches for it. She talked to Cassian only hours ago, and she’ll see him soon, so why would he need to leave her a letter now?

Unless he couldn’t meet her. If he was sent off for another op, if he’s going to be gone for weeks, but no. He’d have woken her if he had to leave. He wouldn’t leave without a goodbye.

She unfolds the note, worried. Something must be wrong.

Jyn, it begins, and that’s new. She likes the way her name looks in his small, tidy writing.

Jyn,

I’m glad you’re  home. I really have missed you. So much.

There’s something I want you to know. I never planned to tell you but [word(s) scribbled out] I think I see things a little differently now. I should have waited until I saw you at lunch but I think this may be easier in writing.

I won’t waste time. I love you. You know that already, you must. You mean so much to me and I don’t want to imagine my life without you. But it’s more than that, I’m in love with you. I was never going to bring it up but something this morning [word(s) scribbled out] [word(s) scribbled out]. I can’t explain it.

If I’m right, if you want what I do, forgive me for doing this the coward’s way and let me be yours. If I’m wrong, [word(s) scribbled out] I’m so sorry. Please, please, let me down softly and I’ll never bring this up again. We can forget about it, I’ll get over myself, just let me be in your life. I had to tell you. I love you. I’m sorry.

Jyn stares down at the words on the page.

It doesn’t compute.

Not the first time, barely the second time.

Let me be yours.

Jyn puts the letter down after her fourth time reading it, only to pick it right back up again.  She takes a deep breath, forcing her mind into a facsimile of calm and tries to think logically. 

Everything she’s hardly realized she wanted. More.

He…

He loves her.

Cassian loves her. And by now he’s probably sitting in the mess wondering if she’ll show up. Assuming the worst, if she knows him at all.

He loves her.

Luckily, there’s something she can do about that.

[markftmingi]

the mc pres : johnny seo

the mc pres : johnny seo

SUMMARY: an au in which two people run into each other after 5 years but they aren't the same people they used to be...

PAIRING: mafia leader!johnny x teacher/single mom! reader

GENRE: angst, suggestive themes, and some smut.

WARNING(S): this isn’t fully written ok this is a unfinished piece i did like almost two years ago so its kinda bad and skips around but i wanted to post it anyways lmao, swearing, slight smut but it’s more of like a flashback of when it happened(?)

WORD COUNT: 2797

"okay everyone, class dismissed," you announced, smiling.

the class, individually, walked out of the classroom. your assistant and best friend, qian kun, stood by the door to say goodbye to the students. some said goodbye to you too, some didn't. you were too tired to notice who said what. you did notice your favorite two students walk in once everyone left.

one of two being mark lee. mark has been one of your students for the past 3 four years. you didn't know many of your students' personal lives but he had a public reputation. he's a member of the biggest motorcycle club in all of south korea. you didn't know much about the gang but you heard the roar of the motorcycles go by your apartment everyday. mark's feared by everyone here... except yourself, kun, and lucas. you all knew he was too much of a goofball to really hurt anyone. then there was lucas. he's the same age as mark so you had him as a student for 3 years too. he was taller than mark and a lot more scarier. the 6'0 young man was a selective mute who glared at everyone who even glanced at him. lucas gained a reputation as fighter in his freshman year after he nearly beat a senior to death when he was being made fun of. the next day, lucas walked in with mark sporting matching leather jackets with NCT stitched across the back. when kun came in two years ago, lucas tried to scare him off. luckily, kun wasn't the kind of person to be easily scared. they were both chinese, shy but had horrible tempers. after a heart to heart with him, he let his guard down around you and kun.

“you look horrible,” lucas said once he fully looked at you.

mark slapped his shoulder, “she doesn’t look horrible... the bags under her eyes do.

"leave her alone guys... they're designer bags." kun joked, making the two boys laugh.

"i'm convinced you all hate me." you said playfully, undoing your hair.

it had been pinned into a tight bun all day, giving you a headache. you also kicked off your heels as well - the daily ritual after school.

"i don't get how you deal with kids all day." mark questioned taking out his homework.

"you're one of those kids i have to deal with all day."

he rolled his eyes, "not me... i don't count. you love me."

"yeah yeah, back to work." you smiled, as you began to plan for the next day.

that's how you spent your afternoons. the four of you would stay after school until your daughter got out of school too. lucas and mark doing homework and projects while kun and yourself planned what you would teach next. if they wanted to talk or vent to you, they would... especially lucas.

the two hours went by and you were now walking out the school.

"you two need a ride?" kun offered them.

lucas shook his head and nodded towards the parking lot. you turned around seeing a small group of bikers staring back at you.

"o-oh." you stuttered.

you couldn't see their faces clearly due to face masks and sunglasses but you were intimidated. three tall, muscular men with motorcycles staring at you was not something you’re used to. they both said goodbye before walking towards the group.

"i couldn't even see their eyes but it still feels like the one in front was staring into my soul,” you mumbled to kun as you walked to his car.

he shrugged casually, "maybe he was."

"kun, this isn't funny."

"relax", kun pulled you closer, "they have a bad reputation but they're not randomly going to jump you or kill you. they go after those who cause problems or mess with them. you're innocent… well some nights you are."

you ignored the smirk on his face and got into his car. kun's apartment was right next to yours. he's heard your moans and screams plenty of times due to your previous relationship. he swore he wasn't that bothered by it but it was still embarrassing.

"kun?" you turned towards him, “what are you doing later?”

he thought for a moment, "well... we still have to finish wednesday's lesson plan. so i will be over to cook my god-daughter dinner and then we're going to work."

you let out a long, dramatic sigh as you got out the car. it was going to be a long night.

•••

the next day was uneventful. classes were boring and you wanted to leave. you loved teaching. it's always been your dream job but some days, you craved a vacation.

you currently didn't have a class right now so you were printing notes of today’s lessons. the door opened slightly, making you sit up. it was only kun.

"so you have a visitor." he said, with an unsure look on his face.

"why the face? who is it?"

"it's one of those bikers from yesterday. apparently he's also legally lucas's guardian." kun admitted.

lucas' guardian? you both knew lucas never mentioned his parents but you didn't assume he was adopted either.

"you can send him in. i'll be okay."

kun nodded before disappearing again. you closed your eyes and took a deep breath. you were nervous. why did he want to meet with you? was it strictly about lucas?

a knock on the door made you sit up again. the door opened and it was the last person you ever expected to see.

johnny smirked slightly, "hey, y/n.”

"oh you have got to be kidding me." you mumbled to yourself.

johnny seo. a man you met back in your hometown of chicago. his mother lived next door to your family. you remembered her telling you that her son was finally coming home. when you saw the then 20 year old man, you knew he was trouble. yet you were still so eager to trust him and give yourself away. but that was five years ago. back when you were in college. back when you were dumb and naive. back when you fell in love for the first time.

back before he left you pregnant without a word.

"i came here yesterday to pick lucas and mark and i was very surprised to see you walk out with them." johnny said as he walked closer to you.

"there is no way this is happening right now." you laughed but there was no humor in your voice.

johnny ignored your remarks and openly checked you out, "you look as beautiful as ever... how've you been?"

you scoffed and looked up at him fully for the first time since he walked in. he looked as beautiful as ever too. his hair was longer and lighter than it used to be. he was more fit and had a few more tattoos. those beautiful brown eyes were what changed the most. they were much colder and didn't hold that same sparkle that they used to.

"i don't know why my well-being should concern you but as lucas' guardian, you should focus on mentioning him." you said, folding your hands gently in your lap.

johnny leaned on your desk, "mark always mentioned a ms. y/n that him and lucas stayed after school with and i just knew it couldn't have been you... i should've known though. y/n isn't a common name here. you always talked about how much you wanted to be a teacher and help kids and how much you wanted to come to seoul."

"if you're not here about lucas, you can leave, mr. seo." you stated before getting up.

this whole situation was insane. you never thought you’d run into johnny again. your life was going great. now all of the sudden, he's in your classroom, making your heart beat out of your chest. you erased the chalkboard and wrote the date in the top right corner. when you turned back around, johnny's arms trapped you against the board.

"why are you ignoring me like this?" johnny mumbled.

"there's nothing i have to say to you anymore. when you have to talk about lucas, then i'll talk to you." you said, pushing him away.

he sighed, "i want to talk about us, sweetheart. lucas is 21. he can handle himself. as far as i know, his grades are good. well, that's what mark tells me. that kid doesn't even talk."

you raised an eyebrow, "he doesn't talk to you?"

"no, he only talks to mark... does he talk to you?"

"yeah," you held back a laugh, "looks like i have more of a connection with your gang than you do and you're the leader."

johnny shrugged, "you might have more of a connection with mark and lucas than i do... but you and i have a better connection than anybody."

"had... had a connection. a one-sided one at that."

"i cared about you. just not how you cared about me. i never loved you. you were just supposed to be a fling. although i will admit i called my mom to see how you and the baby were doing. crying into your pillow for two weeks? that's a little pathetic, don't you think?" he asked, leaning against the board.

"fuck you, johnny. you left me. how was i supposed to feel?"

"i told you. you meant nothing to me."

"obviously if you left me as soon as i said i was pregnant." you whispered but you knew he heard you.

the door opened, making both of your heads look towards it. kun.

"am i interrupting something?" kun asked, setting a pack of papers on his desk.

"no, i was just leaving." johnny announced as he walked towards the door, "see you soon, sweetheart.”

as soon as johnny left, you let out a big sigh.

"what the hell happened?" kun asked as he began to separate the papers.

"that man... was johnny as in the same johnny who left me in chicago... jasmine's father."

kun knew everything. being that you only had three friends, two of them being your students, you told him your life story.

"no way... did you know he was that motorcycle president back there?"

you shook your head, "when i first met him in chicago, people around the city had warned me that he was no good. that he only came back to chicago to avoid getting into trouble in korea. i didn't know he was in a motorcycle club at all. i was too blind to see all that."

"too blind because your face was being pushed into his pillow?" kun slyly asked.

you scoffed, "keep stapling papers, qian."

your mind flashed back to what johnny said before he left...

see you soon, sweetheart.

•••

johnny sighed for the nth time this evening. he couldn't get you out of his head now. the woman he thought he left for good. when he met in you in your shared hometown, he thought you were perfect for his needs- beautiful and naive as fuck. you were a really good person. really nice, caring, the total package. he ruined that... almost every night. you didn't deserve that. you didn't deserve for johnny to ruin your innocence just for you to fall in love and have him leave months later.

one day you told johnny you were pregnant. the next day, he was on a plane back to south korea. johnny wondered how the kid was doing. she or he would be about 5 years old. maybe 6. did they look like him? did they look more like you? were they a perfect combination of you both?

"why the fuck am i thinking about this shit now? i didn't give a fuck before." johnny mumbled to himself.

it was roughly 12:30am. johnny wondered if you were still the night owl he remembered you to be. most of that coming from when he used to keep you up all night. he wondered if you’d been with anyone since him. who was he kidding? you were gorgeous and your body was perfect. you could easily have men crawling at the sight of you. the thought of another man touching you bothered johnny. he knew no one could make you feel like he did though. you always felt so tight and wet around him…mouth always ready to take him whenever he asked… the sinful screams and scratches when he’d fuck you real good. johnny could feel himself getting hard at the thought.

he got up and headed out the door. he knew he would end up regretting this later...

•••

you gasped when you opened the door, "johnny, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"i told you that i was going to see you soon,” johnny said quietly as he took in your appearance.

you crossed your arms, "when you said soon, i didn't think it'd be a day later. i also didn't think it would be at 1:38am... or at my house."

"maybe i missed you,” he smirked slightly.

"bullshit. seriously johnny, why are you here? how'd you even know where i live?"

"let me in and i'll tell you."

you looked up into his eyes before opening the door further. johnny smiled at you as he walked in.

"okay, so answer my questions." you demanded walking into the kitchen area.

"i am here because i was thinking about you." he admitted, staring at the marble counter.

"thinking about me for what?"

"well... i was actually i was thinking about how it felt to be inside of you then i got hard and decided to visit you."

you rolled your eyes, "at least you're being honest now."

"what do you mean 'now'? i was honest before." johnny questioned, slightly offended.

"no, you weren't johnny... not to me."

"i couldn't be honest to you. what did you want me to say? 'hey i'm only here until it’s clear for me to go back home. i killed a few people and had to lay low in chicago. you're a beautiful woman and all. i love hanging out with you but i love fucking you more. don't get attached though because i'm going to leave you.' is that what you wanted me to say?" he asked.

you threw your hands in the air, "yes! i would've loved to hear that. it would have saved me from heartbreak and trust issues. i was 20 and naive but if you told me that you just wanted a fuck buddy, then i wouldn't have gotten attached and i definitely would've kept condoms around!"

johnny looked taken back. he’s never seen you this mad before.

"who the fuck are you yelling at?” his words sounded cold but he was more intrigued than mad.

"i'm not yelling at you. i am talking loud. i'm tired of you already and it's only been two days! when you left, i blamed myself, wondering what i did wrong. i was stressed about having to carry a child for nine months and raise it all while being a full-time college student. it was your fault johnny! you and your shit communication skills!" you ranted, breathing heavily.

"momma." a small voice called out.

johnny’s head quickly turned towards the door. your little girl was standing there in a matching pj set. just one look at her and anyone could tell she was johnny’s daughter. you could see that jasmine had his eyes, nose and lips but had your hair and skin tone. your daughter was beautiful.

"yes, baby?" you replied softly, "did i wake you?"

"a little... who's he?" jasmine asked.

johnny crouched down to her level, "i- i'm johnny. your... mother's friend."

she tilted her head at him, "i'm 5 but i'm not stupid. you're my daddy. you look just like me."

"if anything, you look just like me." johnny corrected her.

"nope! you copied me first!" she shot back,

"wait. momma, you're crying."

johnny turned around to see you quickly wiping your tears away.

"i'm fine, jasmine, go and lay back down okay?”

she nodded and skipped off into her room.

johnny cleared his throat, “i know you don’t want to hear this… but i have to be in her life, y/n. i know that i fucked up but she deserves to have a father in her life.”

you scoffed, “wow. now the mafia leader wants to tell me what MY daughter needs. that’s funny.”

“it’s OUR daughter and you know i’m right.”

he was right. you didn’t want your daughter to grow up without her father, but you’d never admit that to him. you knew all the trouble being in the mafia brought to johnny and you feared the same thing would happen to your little girl.

[lokislittlesigyn]

OG616 : Thor 1 - Pt.3 [The Odinsleep]

[My masterlist, where all parts of this and my other fics can be found]

Pairing: Loki / Sigyn (basically an oc based off the marvel/myth namesake)

Warnings: Some mention of violence/death. All past tense.

Author’s Note: It’s getting worse.

Taglist: @high-functioning-lokipath

To be added to the taglist, just ask me here or send a message! <3 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Something has happened.

Something is wrong.

Sigyn sat alone in the library, a forgotten book lying open next to her. The last remnants of evening light gleamed over the city. Fiery hues of red and gold, mixing with the slightest whisper of purple. So far, the Bifrost had fired - thrice. She heard it, the distant, low rumble.

Loki still hadn't come for her.

Healers bustled around the castle. Rumors spread.

"The Warriors Three were wounded."

"Prince Thor hasn't been seen since they returned."

"The Allfather mentioned Jotunheim."

Sigyn decided against bothering the healers or trying to find her brother and his friends. Instead, she decided, she should stay put. Things were better that way. No need to worry, she told herself. Everything would work out, and soon Loki would peer around the corner, wearing his signature smirk. Ready to tell her how foolish Thor was being, or how relieved he was to be home.

So she waited.

And waited.

She twiddled her thumbs, gazing out a window. The day was fading. Tones of amber and gold mixed with cobalt blue, where stars began to twinkle, promising the coming night. Asgard always had beautiful sunsets.

"Princess?" The guard's voice made her turn. "Princess Sigyn, the bookkeeper asks you retire soon."

"Yes. Of course…" She stood, returning the book to its shelf.

The guard didn't move.

".. Do you need something else?"

"Prince Loki requested I escort you to your quarters."

Sigyn whipped around to face him. "He’s home?"

"He is preoccupied."

".. Very well, follow me, though I wish Loki would do it himself. Where is he?"

The guard led her from the library, on the usual route back to her quarters.

"He is at the Allfather's bedside, milady."

"The Allfather…?"

"Has fallen into the Odinsleep."

Sigyn stopped. "What?"

"Allfather Odin has fallen into the Odinsleep. Had you not known?"

Without a word, Sigyn turned and walked in a different direction.

"My lady, where-"

"I need to see the Allfather."

"My lady," The guard jogged after her, "My orders were to escort you back to your room..."

"Consider this taking the long way."

"Princess Sigyn." he stressed.

Sigyn sighed, looking at him. "I ask that you please escort me to the Allfather before you escort me to my quarters."

After a moment of silence, she asked again. "Please?"

With a sigh, he finally spoke. "Yes, my lady. But only this once. I fear Prince Loki's wrath should I displease him…"

"Leave my husband to me. He can be difficult, but he'll come around."

They reached the Allfather's cavernous room. Entered.

There, in a great bed, lie Odin. Frigga was on one side, Loki, the other. A golden aura encapsulated the Allfather, cloaked him in shining light which shifted and writhed like waves.

"Sigyn," Frigga stood, "Daughter."

"Frigga." Sigyn smiled at her, but quickly looked back at Odin. It was jarring, to see him there. The king of the realm, the most powerful of all of them by far, reduced to a deep sleep. Defenseless.

Without him to govern the realm, perhaps the Frost Giants could attack again, could-

No. That would never happen.

Loki stood, staring the guard down. "I told you to escort her back to our chambers."

"Yes, Prince Loki, but when she heard about the Allfather-"

"I don't care. You should be flogged for disobeying my orders."

"Loki, have mercy on him." Sigyn glanced at him. "It's not his fault I decided to run off."

"So it was you again? Sigyn, you mustn't keep running about like this, you’ll end up hurting yourself." Loki walked over to her. But he didn't touch her, didn't take her hand like he normally would. "Go to bed, Sigyn. It's late."

"But what of the Allfather? Is he safe? Are we safe? Loki, how did this happen?"

Loki’s jaw clenched. An unfamiliar, pained look flashed across his eyes, but quickly left.

Sigyn's brow furrowed. "Loki?" He avoided her gaze. Avoided getting too close. Have I done something wrong?

Frigga walked to them, embracing Sigyn in a light hug. "My dear, worry not. Tomorrow we'll have a better understanding of how long Odin may rest… Until then, you should rest." She kissed Sigyn's forehead, then turned to Loki. "Both of you."

Loki opened his mouth to respond, but shut it. Instead he nodded, dismissing the guard and motioning Sigyn toward toward the door. She turned back to Odin, pondering as she stepped backward to follow Loki.

"Sigyn." He called.

"Coming..." She took a final glance over her shoulder before leaving the room.

~~~~

Sigyn waited for Loki to embrace her that night, but he never did. She supposed the day had been very rough, and he would talk to her in the morning.

She expected him to. To wake her up the next morning, venting about how reckless Thor had been again. How Volstagg had nearly gotten himself killed again. How everyone had acted like complete oafs, only for him to save them all again.

Sigyn would smile and lie there with him, agreeing with him, stroking his ebony-black hair. Tracing the line of his jaw. Perhaps stealing a few kisses.

But that never happened.

Instead, Sigyn awoke to find she was alone.

"Loki?"

No answer.

She pulled a blanket around herself, trudged over to the balcony. Even with her nightdress on, she felt cold.

There Loki, fully dressed as though he’d been up for hours already, stood overlooking the city.

"Did you sleep well?"

He jumped, turned to face her. "You startled me."

She pursed her lips, walking over to join him. "I'm sorry, I hadn't meant to…"

"It's fine." He turned back to the city and set his jaw firm. He didn't smile.

Didn't say good morning.

Didn't jest or chuckle or tease her about the blanket.

He didn't even seem to notice the blanket.

What's going on with you? Why aren't you yourself? My love, why won't you look at me?

".. Any news of the Allfather?" She focused on the city. She loved this city. But more, she loved the man next to her, the man who still hadn’t looked her in the eye.

"No."

"And of the Warriors Three? I heard they were wounded."

Loki shifted next to her. "Yes. Fandral and Volstagg both."

"And?"

"They're being healed." His tone was short, his jaw still clenched.

"I’m glad to hear it." Sigyn practically felt the conversation waning. Gasping for breath. Dying. She cleared her throat. "And Thor? Is he well? I didn't hear from him yesterday. Though I suspect he may be tending to his wounded pride.."

"Thor is banished." Loki spoke far too calmly.

Sigyn froze. Blinked. "... What?"

"Odin banished him."

She turned to face him, head already swimming with questions. But all she could manage was- "Why?!"

Loki huffed through his nose. "Sigyn, isn't it obvious? We went to Jotunheim. The imbecile nearly got us all killed because a few stray Frost Giants broke into the weapon's vault. Thor practically committed treason."

Sigyn’s blood ran cold. "But- You warned a guard, so you’d be stopped?"

"That was my plan, Sigyn." Loki was growing tenser by the second, and yet, he refused to look at her. Refused to acknowledge the fact her hand was reaching for his. "It's the guard's fault for taking so long; this could've been prevented."

Sigyn went silent, trying to comprehend everything.

"...Where did the Allfather send him?"

"I don't know."

"Will he ever come back?"

"I don't know, Sigyn!" He shouted, finally facing her, then stilled himself when he saw how her eyes had gone wide, how she’d pulled away from him. 

He breathed, swallowing and hushing his tone. "There's no telling when Thor may return. And now our realm is weak; we have no king, no crown prince, and no assurance our borders are even capable of keeping out two Jotuns - much less an army of them."

Sigyn swallowed. Loki turned away, running a hand through his hair.

".. They won't get in again, will they?"

He glanced at her. "I cannot say for sure."

"So they might."

"Of course they might. I won't pretend our realm is safe. None of us are safe now. Laufey practically declared war while we were on Jotunheim."

"War?" Sigyn's pulse quickened.

"He mentioned it."

"Oh, Loki.." She leaned against the balcony wall, hugged her blanket tighter around herself.

So the truce was broken. Jotuns, at war with Asgard, like they were when she was a child. Her thoughts drifted back to then – to the stories of fearsome, bloodthirsty creatures from a world of ice and darkness. Her father had told her those stories of the Jotuns he slayed. Hundreds, he said, had challenged him. He killed every one of them.

Sigyn shivered. If war came again, she would hardly be able to help – she was weaker than other Asgardians, more delicate, more… Cold. She always felt cold.

Luckily, Loki felt rather cold too.

He always said that it proved he and Sigyn were destined to be married. Her skin hardly felt different to him...

She looked back at her husband.

He hadn't moved. Still deep in thought, he stared out over the city, his brow furrowed, his body tense. She hadn’t seen him this tense in a long time.

"Loki…" She moved closer, "Whatever happens, I love you. And I trust you. We'll be okay."

He tried to smile. But there was still a shadow behind his eyes. He seemed closed off, removed... Like there was a gap between the two of them.

She returned it, nodding slightly. "We'll be fine. Just fine."

[metaphorical-love-for-a-car]

Sunshine After Rain-- Connor (RK800) x Reader (Part 4)

Summary; After the death of your little brother, Cole, your dad hated androids. He blamed them for Cole's death. Hank couldn't stand to be around them. How the hell are you supposed to tell him that your soulmate is an android?

Warnings; swearing, shitty writing that has not been edited at all

Word Count; 2.9k

Notes; I’ll post the last part tomorrow morning!! Then I’ll move on to original fics lol

You sat on the bench and covered your face with your hands. That was not at all how you wanted it to go. You wanted to sit Hank down and discuss it with him— mainly when he was sober. Connor sat next to you. You let your hands fall into your lap and stared straight ahead. You could tell he was staring at you. "You seem troubled." You let out a sardonic laugh.

"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock." You turned to face him and realized that he was actually concerned. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just... a bit stressed is all," you sighed. Connor nodded.

"I understand. I suppose I have been experiencing a sense of stress as well. I was designed to hunt down deviants. I'm supposed to be a machine, nothing more. Then I met you, and I've begun to doubt everything." You each looked into each other's eyes for a moment. You broke eye contact and looked at his hands, carefully taking one into your own. You turned to look at the city lights. This time, you saw just how beautiful they really were in their full color. You pulled away from him to stand, quietly walking away. Connor didn't move. He was too deep in thought... which made him the perfect target.

You knelt down and scooped up a small pile of snow, forming it into a sphere. A wicked smile crossed your face as you stood once more. You narrowed your eyes, focusing on the sitting duck before you. You were more aiming for his back, but the place it hit was even better. The snowball hit the back of Connor's head with a soft thump. The android quickly leapt to his feet. His LED was flashing. You laughed, scooping up another snowball. He seemed confused. "(y/n), what exactly are you doing?" You threw the snowball at him. Since he was anticipating it, Connor easily dodged the projectile.

"It's a snowball fight. You throw snow at each other until someone gives up. We used to have giant wars all the time when we were kids." While you knelt down to make a couple more snowballs, Connor grinned mischievously.

"Are you sure you want to have a snowball fight with me, (y/n)?"

"Of course, I wouldn't have started one otherwise," you scoffed. Next thing you knew, you were being pelted by perfectly round balls of snow. You squealed as some of the snow made its way down your back. You ran behind a tree for cover. You somehow managed to hit him a few times, but you were pretty sure it was because he was going easy on you.

About ten minutes into the battle, you tried to dodge one and ended up getting yourself hit in the head. Sure, it hurt, considering your mishap earlier, but you dramatized it. You fell to your knees and held your head, hissing a couple swears. You heard Connors footsteps rapidly approaching. He knelt down beside you, placing a hand on your back. "(y/n), are you-" He was interrupted by you shoveling snow in his face with a maniacal laugh. Connor did not look amused.

"I'm sorry, Connor. I just couldn't help myself," you explained in between laughs. Connor noticed you had started shivering and suggested that you head back. He helped you to your feet. The two of you started walking back to Hank's car, occasionally bumping shoulders along the way. As soon as you got the engine started, you cranked the heat all the way up and held your hands over the air vents.

"Should we attempt to track down Hank?" You shook your head.

"No, he's probably too drunk to reason with at this point. I'm probably just gonna head back to my place. He's a big boy now. He knows how to walk home. I'll just pick him up in the morning." You paused, turning in the seat in order to fully face Connor. "I know you don't sleep, so where do you go at night?"

"I usually stay at the precinct in the designated area for androids on standby." You wrinkled your nose.

"That sounds boring. You're more than welcome to hang out at my place if you want. It's not very big, but I have plenty of things to read. You can watch TV too if you want, or… I don't know," you rambled, fiddling with the hem of your shirt. Connor grinned.

"I would like that. Thank you, (y/n)." You smiled back at him, driving toward your apartment complex.

You groaned as your alarm started screaming at you to wake up. Your head was killing you, and you wanted nothing more than to chuck the contraption out the window. You reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out a bottle of painkillers. You swallowed two of the pills and returned the bottle to its place. As you sat up, a certain scent hit your nose that caused you to shuffle into the kitchen at a slightly faster pace than usual. Your eyes widened at the sight. A smile grew across your face. "Connor, you cooked breakfast?" The android held out a plate of pancakes alongside various fruits.

"I wanted to thank you for allowing me into your home last night, and, as the expression goes, breakfast is the most important meal of the day." He smiled at you. If he were any more adorable than at this very moment, you would have surely imploded. You gently took the plate from his hands, and you could feel the heat rising in your cheeks as you sat on the couch. After you finished eating, you quickly got ready for work. You still had to pick up Hank, and there was no doubt in your mind that he would be hungover and a pain in the ass to get up.

You parked his old car in front of his house. You and Connor used your spare set of keys to get into the house. "Dad! Wake up, it's time to get ready for work!" you hollered as the two of you entered the home. You walked into the kitchen and pulled out a bin full of dog food from one of the cabinets. Sumo padded into the kitchen and wagged his tail at the sight of you filling his food bowl.

"Hello, Lieutenant." You poked your head around the corner when you heard Connor greet Hank. Much to your surprise, he was dressed and ready to go. You opened your mouth to comment on it, but Hank raised a hand to stop you.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but the last thing I need is another document in my disciplinary file just for being late." You tossed him the car keys. He stuffed them in his pocket. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go."

Not long after entering the precinct, Hank and Connor were pulled aside to be given a new case. You sat at your desk and laid your head down for a moment. Your head was still throbbing, and the last thing you wanted to do was paperwork. You skipped out on doing any yesterday since you tagged along with Hank. Now the mass of papers on your desk resembled a mountain.

After what seemed like an eternity of doing paperwork, you felt like you were doing insane. You could've sworn that you were starting to smell sounds. Enough is enough. You stood from your desk and sauntered into the break room. As you walked through the bullpen, you heard Gavin mention to someone that he needed some coffee. You smiled and fixed your own cup. You quickly swapped the tops of the salt and sugar shakers. When you saw Gavin enter the small room, you snatched a donut from one of the many boxes littering the counter. He gave you a curt nod as he fixed himself some coffee. You bit the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from laughing when he dumped what he assumed was sugar into the dark liquid. He took a sip of the coffee and grimaced down at the mug. You burst out laughing. Gavin narrowed his eyes at you as he realized you had sabotaged his drink, but he wasn't going to give you the satisfaction of it. Maintaining eye contact, Gavin lifted the drink back up to his lips and drank every last drop of the salty liquid. You gaped at him, shocked that he actually drank it. He set the cup on the counter and gave you the middle finger. "Try again next time, (y/n)." Gavin turned on his heel and left you dumbfounded.

You continued to eat the donut in your hand while nursing your coffee. You saw Hank and Connor walk in. Hank went straight to his desk, while Connor roamed around. He looked like he was looking for something. He turned towards the break room and caught sight of you. You had finished your snack and was throwing away the trash. Without warning, a pair of arms wrapped around you and a head rested on your shoulder. Colors began to fill in the objects around you. You furrowed your brows, wondering what brought on this sudden burst of affection from the android. You turned to face him. He kept his hands on your arms while you cupped his face with your own. Something was seriously bothering him. "What's wrong?" Connor drew in a shaky breath.

"We were on the roof of Stratford Tower. A damaged deviant was left behind, and I tried to probe its memory. Then... then it self-destructed. Right after it shot itself, I felt it die." His grip on your arms slightly tightened. "It felt like I was dying. I was... I was scared, (y/n)." You gently rubbed your thumb against his cheek. He leaned into your touch. There was no doubt that he was terrified. You could see it written all over his face. You pulled him into an embrace, which he gladly accepted. He was still fighting an internal battle, trying to decide whether he was a living being or not. He needed comfort, which is something he saw in you. For the rest of the afternoon, Connor didn't stray far from your side. He almost reminded you of a lost puppy.

The next morning, you walked out of the kennel that was located in the back of the precinct, only to run into a familiar face. You smiled up at the android. "G'morning," you greeted.

"Good morning, (y/n). Hank and I will be going to Elijah Kamski's residence in five minutes. Would you like to accompany us on this case?" You softly laughed at how formal Connor was. He watched your reaction curiously.

"Yeah, I feel like he'd be an interesting person to meet." Connor grinned at your response. The two of you tracked down Hank and followed him to his old, beat up car. You and Hank had yet discussed the whole soulmate situation. In fact, you both had kind of been avoiding it. He was too stubborn to bring it up first, and you just weren't sure how to approach the subject seeing as how he reacted last time. Despite this, the car ride wasn't too terrible, other than Hank forcing you and Connor to listen to heavy metal nonstop. As he parked near the front of Kamski's place, Hank got a phone call from one of your fellow officers-- Chris. Turns out, he was attacked by a group of deviants but ended up being saved by Markus, the leader of the deviant rebellion.

The three of you hopped out of the car. You wrapped your coat tighter around yourself as the cold air and snow hit your face. As you all walked up to the front door, Connor asked why Hank wanted to meet Kamski. "This guy created the first android to pass the Turing test, and he's the founder of CyberLife. If anybody can tell us about deviants, it's him," Hank answered as if it was obvious. He rang the doorbell, and you three waited several minutes for someone to answer.

"This guy better answer soon or we're gonna turn into popsicles." Hank rolled his eyes at you. You all perked up when the door swung open, revealing a blonde android.

"Hi, uh, I'm Lieutenant Hank Anderson from the Detroit Police Department. We're here to see, er, Mr. Elijah Kamski," he stuttered out. You gave him an odd look.

"Please, come in." She smiled sweetly and motioned you all inside.

"Very smooth, dad," you said in a hushed tone.

"Shut up, (y/n)." You followed the android lady inside. She told the three of you to make yourselves comfortable while she let Kamski know you all had arrived. Hank sat down in a nearby chair. You stared at the giant portrait of Kamski that was in front of you.

"Very humble man, wouldn't you agree?" You turned to Connor, sarcasm dripping from your words. He hummed, nodding.

"Yes, you can hardly tell he's a billionaire," Connor answered just as sarcastically. You beamed.

"Nice, you're finally starting to understand slang and sarcasm." Connor looked slightly proud, taking in your statement as a compliment. You took a seat across from Hank as Connor continued to analyze the threshold. Hank made a couple comments about Connor meeting his creator but otherwise stayed pretty quiet. You all looked up when Kamski's android returned.

"Elijah will see you now," she announced before leading the three of you into another room, which contained an indoor pool. You noticed that he had a couple more androids, all the same model. You all awkwardly stood off to the side, waiting for Kamski to finish his laps around the pool. As he climbed out of the water, one of his many androids wrapped a robe around him.

"I'm Lieutenant Hank Anderson, this is Detective (y/n), and Connor," Hank introduced you all.

"What can I do for you, officers?" Hank informed Kamski that they were investigating deviants and that any information he had would be useful to them. He remained silent, thinking.

"Holy shit, he looked so much like Gavin," you muttered under your breath. Kamski hummed.

"Yes, my half-brother works in the same department as you two. Now, deviants... Fascinating, aren't they? Perfect beings with infinite intelligence, and now they have free will." He went on to talk about how androids are better than humans, spouting a bunch of philosophical junk you didn't bother to follow. Hank asked Kamski to tell him something useful or you would all be on your way. Instead of addressing the topic at hand, Kamski approached Connor. "How about you, Connor? What do you really want?"

"I fail to see how that matters with what we are currently trying to discuss." Kamski said nothing for a moment, staring Connor down. He then called over one of his androids, Chloe. He explained that the Turing test is merely a formality. What interested him is whether machines are capable of empathy or not. He opened a drawer and pulled out a gun. Chloe sat on her knees. He handed the weapon to Connor.

"Destroy this machine, and I'll tell you all I know. Or spare it, if you feel it's alive, but you'll leave here without having learnt anything from me." Connor held the gun as his LED flashed wildly. Hank tried to get Connor to put the gun down, but Kamski kept egging him on. "Decide who you are. An obedient machine or a living being endowed with free will? Pull the trigger, and I'll tell you all that you want to know."

"Connor." The RK800 turned his head to look at you. You opened your mouth to say something but closed it, thinking of the right words to say. "You already know the answer to who you are. I've seen it over the past few days. You don't have to be scared." Kamski's eyes flickered between the two of you. Connor lowered the gun, keeping his eyes trained on you.

SOFTWARE INSTABILITY.

"Fascinating..." Kamski breathed. "CyberLife's last chance to save humanity is itself a deviant."

"I'm..." Connor trailed off, looking troubled. Kamski started talking philosophically again, and Hank grumbled about how you all should just get out of there. An idea popped into your head.

"I could tell you just how alive androids are in exchange for a piece of information." Kamski turned towards you, intrigue filling his eyes.

"Go on." You took Connor's hand into your own. The android visibly calmed. You gave him a reassuring smile before looking at Kamski once more.

"Androids have more in common with humans than you realize. They have soulmates too." Kamski's eyes widened as he stepped closer to the two of you.

"It's not possible."

"As much as I doubted it too, they're telling the truth." You looked over at Hank. He nodded at you, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Kamski stepped back, turning to look out of the large window. He was quiet for a moment but eventually held his end of the bargain.

"I always install an emergency exit in all of my programs. You never know..." he trailed off with a shrug. The three of you looked at each other, confusion written all over your features. When Kamski said nothing else, you all took that as your cue to leave.

~*~*~

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[cuddlepilefics]

1.    Christmas Bakery

Fandom: Stray Kids

Little: Minho (age 5-6) + Felix (5)

Caregiver: dance-line (mostly Hyunjin)

 Minho’s POV.:

I had told my group about me being a little a few months ago. Luckily, they were all very supportive and took care of me when I regressed. Which in the beginning I did quite often. Lately though I tried to avoid going into little space. As a surprise for Stay we were working on a Christmas album and had tough deadlines set which we were struggling to meet. Everyone was on edge, sacrificing sleep in favor of work and it was showing. We had always gotten along so well but now with the pressure and sleep deprivation fights were a common occurrence, both at the studio and at the dorm. To make matters worse, my neglected headspace was fighting for my attention the more time passed. I always tried to avoid it but it got increasingly hard, given how long I had already tried to suppress it.

During the dance-line meeting in the practice room, I slipped halfway twice but managed to pull myself back both times. That however resulted in me developing a bad headache and Hyunjin and Felix being annoyed with me. I don’t think they grasped what was really going on, they just saw me messing up and holding them back the entire time and reacting sensitive to their critique. And hell, I was annoyed with myself too but there was nothing I could do except for trying not to slip or to cry in front of the two younger members. By the time we decided to quit practicing for the day, it was already 10pm and we headed back to the dorm in uncomfortable silence and I could tell the two others were pissed. Fighting back my tears, I went straight for my bed, not bothering to take a shower or to eat something like the other two did. I fell asleep crying quietly into my favorite plushie.

The next morning, I woke up in little space, whining when Chan tried to wake me up. “Come on, Minho, you’re older than the other and yet fussing the most about getting up. We don’t have time for this, we’re already late. Now get up!”, Chan scolded, trying not to be to harsh but also making clear that I was an annoyance. I could tell he was mad by the way he shut the door a little too loud to be normal. A small tear made its way down my cheek and I hid my face in my plushie. I was tired and all I wanted was for my hyungs to cuddle me and show some love. For fear of upsetting my leader more, I slipped out of bed changing into some comfortable clothes to dance in and dried my face before leaving the room. Apparently, everyone was already ready to leave, so there was no way I would get a chance to have breakfast. Feeling rather shy and afraid of Chan’s anger, I stood close to Seungmin, trying to hide behind him. “Hyung, all we have been waiting for is you. I don’t think you have the time to lag off, given you were the one who didn’t get the moves down yesterday”, Felix snapped and the honorific he used in combination with the harsh words broke my heart. It took every ounce of strength in me to not start crying all over again. They needed me to be a big boy, obviously they hated me not being a big boy. Staring at the ground I quickly grabbed my backpack and left with Hyunjin and Felix, determined not to show them how little I was and upset my hyungs more.

 Hyunjin’s POV.:

We’ve been practicing for 20 minutes only but the mood was tense already. Minho kept messing up as much as yesterday and it was honestly pissing me off. I was really tired and it was determined that we could have a rest day when we nailed the choreography. Felix and I had already nailed the dance yesterday, so the only reason we were here was to ensure Minho would do too. However, it didn’t even seem like he was putting in an effort at all. We know he usually gets new dance moves down really fast so I have no idea what his deal is. I just wished he’d drop it already and take this as seriously as everyone else. “Hyung, come on, the part goes like this”, I demonstrated the section again while Felix counted the beats. “It’s really not that hard. Felix and I got it down already yesterday. We could have a free day if it wasn’t for you fooling around”, I frowned before walking off to restart the music. When we got back into position I could hear soft sniffles behind me and turned around to face a crying Minho. “Seriously, hyung get your shit together. Just do it right and we can go home”, I snapped and turned back around. Yes, that wasn’t very sensible but at this point I was really angry. With a soft thud he plopped to the ground hiding his face in his hands sobbing quietly. Rolling his eyes, Felix stopped the music again and I kneeled down in front of my hyung, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. I tried to hide my anger knowing it would only make matters worse. “MinMin, is s-sor-ry. No wan’ make h-hyungies m-mad”, Minho hiccupped in a small voice and only then it dawned on me that he had slipped into headspace. Felix had heard it to and we shared a mortified look. I don’t know how long he had been little but chances were high that I had just vented my anger at little him who has no idea how to handle it. I sighed gently pulling his hand away from his face. “Listen MinMin, hyung is sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. We just wanted you to be able to finish here like us. We’re not mad, ok? We’re not mad”, I tried to calm him down while wiping his tears. Felix came over and sat down next to Minho, looping one arm around his shoulders. “Sorry MinMin. It’s ok”, Felix shushed in a low voice. “Back to the dorm?”, he asked. “Back to the dorm”, I agreed, pulling the little to his feet before picking him up and placing him on my hip. We quickly put Minho into Felix’ sweatjacket, so the hood would hide his tearstained face, before I carried the still crying little back to the dorm. Felix brought our backpacks along and unlocked the door. The others were still at the studio, so we were the only ones home. After kicking off my shoes I sat down on the couch pulling Minho into my lap rocking him gently. “You’re ok sweety. Hyungie loves you baby. We’re not mad just stressed and I’m so sorry you became target for that”, I whispered into his hair before kissing his forehead. Whether he was calming down or had just exhausted himself, I couldn’t tell.

Once he stopped crying, I convinced him to take a quick shower as he hadn’t showered the night before and promised him we’d eat something afterwards, remembering he slept through breakfast this morning. I couldn’t help but feel guilty and watching Felix chew on his bottom lip, I knew he felt the same. I walked Minho to the bathroom and picked out some fresh clothes for him to put on when he was done. Luckily, having been without caregivers most of the time, Minho could shower by himself and I went to talk to Felix in the kitchen while the little washed up.

The Aussie had already prepared two sandwiches and the crust cut off, placing them onto a plastic plate with a cute motive on it. “Hyung, I feel so bad. I didn’t realize he was little and I was mean and now he thinks we hate him”, Felix started to ramble, his breathing quickening until I pulled him into a tight hug. “I know, Lixxie, I know. We’ll make it up to him, He’ll see how much we love him”, I patted Felix’ back and I felt him nod as he took a deep breath to pull himself together. Taking a step away, I pulled out my phone and texted the group chat explaining what had happened, informing the others that we were at home. “Lix, I need your advice since you’re a little too. Do you think making Christmas cookies is a suitable activity for littles?”, I asked biting my nails. My dongsaeng’s face lit up and he nodded excitedly. “You think we could bake with Minho?”, he asked excitedly and I nodded. “If you get him ready and make him eat, I’ll prepare some dough for sugar cookies. There must be some recipes online and I think we also have a few cookie-cutters”, I smiled and Felix nodded walking to the bathroom to check if Minho was done.

While Felix helped the little to put his hoodie, which was inside-out when he exited the bathroom, on correctly and sat him down at the table to munch on his sandwiches, I kneaded together the basic ingredients, following the instructions I had found when searching the internet. I heard giggles and after patting Minho’s head, Felix passed me to put the plate into the sink. Felix then stopped at the cookie- cutters I had laid out on the counter. I watched him admire them with glassy eyes before he shook his had and carried them over to the dining table. We didn’t have many cookie-cutters, just a star, a heart, a candy cane and a small gingerbread man. I rolled the dough into a ball and placed it into a bowl before grabbing a rolling pin and following Felix to the dining table. Minho smiled at me excitedly and Felix ruffled his hair before rolling the littles’ sleeves up. “Lixxie, you know, you can slip too. I know you want to”, I suggested but he shook his head with a smile that didn’t fully convince me. “Nah, Hyung, I’m good. I don’t want to burden you with having to look after two littles”, he mumbled, chewing on his lip. “That’s alright, Lixxie. I’m more than ok with that, go ahead”, I encouraged while rubbing his back but he just shook his head again. “Lixxie, look how cute those cookie-cutters look. I’m sure MinMin and you will make even cuter cookies with them”, I said cheerfully, picking up the gingerbread man shaped cookie-cutter and handing it to Felix who broke into a bright smile. He quickly went to hug Minho, bouncing slightly. “Right, MinMin, we’ll make weally cute cookies?”, he giggled with a lisp, to which the other little nodded and I could tell my plan had worked. Only after Felix had slipped did I noticed how tense he had been before because his shoulders were now hanging in a more comfortable and relaxed position.

After rolling Felix’ sleeves up too, I divided the dough into two and rolled out it out on the dining table. The littles were quick to grab a cookie-cutter each and start to work on cutting shapes out of the dough. To be honest, this way it was easy to take care of two littles at once, since all I had to do was roll out the dough over and over again and bake the cut-out cookies. Ok I admit, sometimes I had to transfer a cookie onto the baking sheet when it got stuck on the table and remind the littles not to eat the raw dough because it contained egg but that was it. At some point I had turned on some quiet Christmas music which was playing softly in the background, while we enjoyed a relaxed afternoon.

A few hours later the proud littles welcomed the rest of their hyungs home with cookies that were only slightly burned, which I fully take the blame for as I might have gotten distracted adoring their cuteness and therefore forgotten to take the cookies out on time. Sure the thought of having to teach the choreography to Minho again tomorrow was constantly in the back of my head but for now I chose to enjoy the innocent bliss as long as possible. As did the rest of the group who let themselves unwind in the evening, eating cookies and praising the littles for their hard work making treats for everyone. Our two littles fell asleep to the soothing background music, cuddled up on the couch from where Chan and I carried them to bed.

[lilypixels]

All of them 😄

ok wow you really went for it huh? ahdjkhsd I’ll answer all of them minus the three I just did I’ll put them under the read more thingy since this will be long :’D

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

I woke up two hours ago and only took a shower thus far so I’m feeling good lol

cadmium yellow; when you think of the word “happy” what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

...idolish7 ajhjkfh i’m too obsessed with it h e l p

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

would it be bad if I said Idolish7/all the related groups (Trigger, Mezzo, Zool)?? cause technically a recentish discovery and I defiantly can’t get enough :’D my real answer is Reol

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

my room lol

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home?

my mom i guess??

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

one that some might not deem normal but works well for us lol (I mean, we’ve been friends for about 10 years now) we have a good understanding of each other and know we don’t have to talk/hang out all the time in order to know we still matter to each other, we both have our own lives and just knowing the other is there no matter what is enough. we’re the type to not talk for weeks and then send random memes and act like we’d been talking the whole time😂 it works really well for me too cause i’m not good at “socializing” on a constant basis and tend to just...not text people for ages on end, but I’ll still care for them and think about them just many see it as me cutting them out rip

golden deep; what’s your favorite season?

tbh the time between spring and summer but fall has been earning some points recently

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

I often bake and game

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

I guess?? but i don’t like bothering people with my emotions often times so I just cuddle my cat haha

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings?

hmm...the second i think

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything?

i was binge-watching Tsukiuta but I’ve slowed down with s2 cause now I’m distracted with other things like genshin impact

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

i don’t even know/remember anymore, maybe left now???

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it?

Van Gogh’s Starry Night cause I like stars and nightviews 

vermilion; what’s your favorite accent?

oooo interesting one, but I like all accents, I find them cute :3

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other?

I have a type with fictional characters and idol biases does that count? no?

scarlet; describe your current crush/es.

i have none 😗✌

ruby; what does your ideal first date look like?

bold of you to assume i would go on a date idk a movie so i don’t have to talk lol

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

bold of you to assume I would- ahfkj i really don’t know, go to the library and have tea???

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

that’s a big NO from me, someone be catching hands if they tried

rose; what’s something really positive going on in your life right now?

is it bad i thought of work? i have a fun time watching baby 😊

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to?

baking/decorating Christmas cookies that I’m gonna share with family and friends!

violet rose; what does your dream house look like?

like a victorian house, gothic victorian is better, probably haunted, with an attic room hehe

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down?

anywhere but here lol

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

finish schooling and get job :b

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

uhhhhhh Clearwater Beach?

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

yesterday I guess cause i had good time shopping with my dad :3

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

my dream last night rip part of it was genshin related cause I played like 3 hours before sleeping and the rest was my mind trying to figure out where the story of an otome I’m playing is gonna go i’m at end of this dudes route and he just erased mc’s memories of him so like enggg

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each?

i wanna foster, adopt at least one kid and have one of my own, all the pets, maybe there’s some dude there idk kids and animals all i need aha

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

i don’t like my name but at same time it’s kinda who i am and idk what else i would name myself i do have a Chinese name though (we picked them in class and what we went by) which is MingYi 明怡!

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

coconut, vanilla, MINT

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

peppermint tea, green tea, I did like Earl Grey but I can’t have black tea anymore :(

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

all the herbs and vegetables! also some of my favorite flowers like foxglove that hopefully don’t make my allergies worse

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

probably not

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

5′ 5″, tiny, long legs that hold all the muscles and weight in my body lol my torso is like a rectangle, i am very flat chested and do not mind that 

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

i can not picture cause i just imagine itchy grass and lots of sneezing😔

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

comfortable enough i guess, i try not to nitpick too much on what’s “lacking”

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

all the countries! I almost went to China for study abroad but then stuff happened TT

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

I can technically speak basic Chinese and French, but I’ve also already forgotten too much rip I really like learning languages and hope to get back into it soon!

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

legit any Rick Riordan book, my fav author

olive green; are you currently reading anything? how do you like it so far?

I’m in like the middle of Trials of Apollo book 2 and it is great

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

idk Megamind??

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

technically already did it, was shower

umber; have you drank enough water today?

no

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent?

rpg/fighting games where I can smash monsters to pieces

sepia; name five things that always make you happy.

music, babies, Alice, baking, others being happy~

indigo; what’s the best/sweetest compliment you have ever received?

idk i shy away from compliments most of time :’)

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

“welcome to your doom uwu” ajshdjk idk it’s always changing

black; post a selfie because you are so beautiful!

no thanks💖 maybe later but its gonna be gone fast

[thattimdrakeguy]

I’m still anxious over yesterday, and I feel worse today, because it’s just a very anxious feeling that’s making it hard for me to even eat.

Because I’ve been pretty open about my being suicidal before plenty of times, and I’ve dealt with people just absolutely seeming to despise me because they didn’t understand the actual purpose of a post and all that. Even to the point of being suicide baited a lot. Which adds to the dread of people keep egging me on about how I suicide baited someone when it wasn’t even me.

Like yesterday was just the worst I ever had to deal with when it comes to this specific kind of situation, because I couldn’t even tell what they were talking about half the time, because it wasn’t even a post hating Damian, it was just pointing out that his character development goes so back and forth that I don’t think it’s out of the blue or bad that Damian’s going to be an anti-hero.

I have to say this so freaking often, but it seems like when ever I don’t, that people keep assuming the worst, but I originally really liked Damian, I just stopped after reading the comics, but I don’t have a particular bias against him that would effect my opinions on his writing. They’re just fictional characters. It’s that simple, I don’t do typical fandom stuff because I think it’s all freaking petty, and don’t even interact with the typical “fanon stuff” because I don’t care for it.

I feel like people see a Tim icon and assume the worst, cause I kept seeing “Tumblr Tim stans”, and it made my head hurt, because I don’t even do the whole fanon thing. At most I supported any form of LGBT+ headcanons because it seems to make people feel better about themselves. A lot of the things that been barked at me about being fanon, isn’t even fanon. It just comes from Tim’s early run as Robin, and those are my favorite Tim comics. So I particularly just have early Tim as my default, because I didn’t like how much of a pretentious genius-boy they made Tim around the time Teen Titans (2003) started, when to me he was just a very clever kid with an eye for details, that was largely just a dweeb doing his best.

So I got yelled at over a misunderstanding, assumptions about me, and apparently being a suicide baiter, when that doesn’t even hold up to scrutiny, given that most of the people that follow my blog know quite in fact that I wouldn’t even do that. And I am sorry about there even being a suicide baiter no matter what. But it’s so bizarre to be yelled at for another person’s actions several times.

Plus I’m not a freaking Scottish girl believe it or not.

And I just got over having my account blacked out because of dealing with my suicidal thoughts, and being yelled at, that on one occasion, that some will even remember, because I talked about it, where I had to have a cop called on me because I went so far as writing a suicide note. I at least certainly mentioned part of that at the very least if I didn’t delete it out of embarrassment for myself for even admitting that.

And this isn’t me taking away from the other person getting suicide baited by someone.

Because another thing I’ve been open about is how I have Asperger’s, or I guess that’s just known as Autism Spectrum Disorder now, and I’m not very good at talking about these things sometimes, cause the best way I can express myself is a long form version is “I understand how you feel and I’m sorry”, because I am genuinely sorry it happened, but it’s a lot of pressure to put on me when I didn’t even so much as tell anyone to do it. And to keep getting it after I told people not to as well. I am genuinely freaking sorry it ever happened, but I don’t know what else to do about it.

I don’t even understand why some people say the things that they do a lot of the time, and I don’t even think that’s an Autism thing. People just confuse me all the freaking time.

But in the end basically what I’m saying is, I know genuinely well how it feels and it sucks a lot. It makes me vapidly uncomfortable it even happened.

Most of the whole entire thing made me uncomfortable, because I don’t like talking about my PTSD out in the open, because I find falling for a pedophile to be embarrassing, and I’ve already been told that there’s nothing embarrassing about it, but the idea that I fell for it is something that keeps me up at night and I can’t sleep over it, because I felt so defenseless after I found what was going on. In-general that whole experience was the cause of a lot of my self-worth problems, and I’ve wanted to kill myself because of how little I feel about myself.

It was so freaking uncomfortable on so many levels, and I felt fine mostly yesterday, but today I’m just now processing what even happened and it’s hitting me really hard.

Cause I didn’t even wanna offend anyone with my opinion anyway, because I viewed it just as my opinion. I think in the post, even if maybe not the thread they shared, because I don’t remember, I said I think it’s fine people like what they like, because it doesn’t bother me, because I know people have different opinions.

But I got so much shit thrown at me over saying Damian could be an anti-hero since his character development goes so back and forth, that I think it actually make sense to make this move, because, as a thought about it right now, it does give him a fresher start after things kept going all weird with him.

If someone else disagrees, again, it’s fine, but I just think his writings freaking weird. And it’s not a big deal.

Misunderstandings and assumptions make me so freaking panicked, because I’ve gotten yelled at by people to the point of crying and self-harm before. i just don’t like that atmosphere, and it’s why my “essays” are so freaking long, because I try my freaking best to clear things up when ever I can, because misunderstandings are just freaking awful every time I experience one.

I’m not even fully sure why I made this post, it’s part venting, part context about me so people understand me as a person better, and just rambling to let out some anxiety, because I nearly cried today in a call with my friends as I started worrying about the worst, because I genuinely didn’t know what to expect today.

I’m sorry for that whole thing even taking up everyone’s dashboards yesterday, because I know it sucked, but I was so overwhelmed because people just seemed to be getting so nasty.

If I’m not active for a few days this is why, cause I can’t stop being anxious about it. I’m so stressed thinking about it, but I can’t stop. it’s not even like particular people, it’s just a glob of a memory.

For anyone that needs a round up of my mental illness, which is demeaning on its own, but I freaking hope will explain things.

I’m on the Autism spectrum, I’ve been on and off suicidal for years, major depression, anxiety disorder, dyslexic, heart condition that gives me chest pain if I’m too stressed (it’s never been officially diagnosed because for what ever reason my mom cancelled that appointment when it was found out).

Like I just need to vent like this sometimes, because it helps relieve a small fragment of stress if someone understands anything at all better, because I hate misunderstandings so freaking much. And if I go away again, I just have to do it for my own freaking health. I’ve had to go away before cause of these same kind of things, been open about them before, and I’ll probably be in a situation I’ll have to do this again.