#its been a while since i read tss anyway

[all-too-unwell-13]

just finished the empty grave.

now what am i going to do with my life?

[kissinginkitchens]

You Bring Me Home—Chapter Eleven: Water Under the Bridge (Finale)

a/n: welcome back my loves <3 It’s so weird to think that this is the final chapter of YBMH and I’m definitely having a lot of feelings about it (denial, mostly). I want to say a huge thank you from the very bottom of my heart for sticking with this story and these characters that I love so much. I’ve had the most fun over the past few months talking to some of you and hearing your thoughts; I cherish it more than you’ll ever know. With all of that said, I’m going to miss this era so so much but I would still love to hear from you lovelies, so please feel free to drop by my inbox and let me know what you thought of this series!! Feedback, criticism, all of it is welcome :) Much love, Mel <3

Pairing: Hawai’i!Harry x Original Character (Halani <3)

Warnings: swearing, angst

Word Count: 6.7k

catch up on parts one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten

January, 2018

A strand of hair tickles Harry’s nose and his eyes flutter open. The faint sound of car horns and traffic outside reminds him of his location when his memory fails. He gently slips out of the bed and tiptoes over to the window, careful not to wake the girl sleeping soundly next to him. A thick layer of snow blankets every building and surface in New York City as far as the eye can see, and the grey sky above signals another storm on its way. 

I’m going to die of hypothermia, Alani shivers, nursing her steaming cup of tea as she walks away from the office window and takes a seat behind her desk. Even after living in the city for a year, she still hadn’t adjusted to the cold weather and feared that she never would. Her boyfriend had joked on numerous occasions that you can take the girl out of the island, but you can’t take the island out of the girl. 

“Vanessa’s on line three,” her assistant calls from the doorway. 

“Thanks,” Alani nods before bringing the phone to her ear. “So, what did you think?”

“It was brilliant,” the editor admits. “Insightful, witty. I think they’ll love it,”

Alani smiles and spins in her seat to face the window again. “St. James has been on my ass about this piece for weeks. I hope it’ll shut him up,”

“It will, trust me. Hey, I gotta go, but I sent the revision notes and we can discuss more later,”

“Great, thank you so much. See you at dinner,”

“Ta-ta.”

Alani reaches for a pen and scribbles a reminder onto a pink post-it note nearby. 

Bloody five-star hotel, you’d think they could afford decent pens.  Harry grumbles to himself, shaking the ballpoint to no avail. 

“Where are you going?”

Harry freezes in his tracks and turns to the brunette stretching out her tired limbs. He has to clear his throat to keep from saying the wrong name. 

“Just a quick walk,” he explains with a tight lipped smile. “Go back to bed.” 

She flashes a wide grin and snuggles back into the covers, but he secretly hopes that she’s gone by the time he returns. 

The snow crunches under Harry’s feet and he digs his hands deeper into the pockets of his coat. He had never been very fond of the cold, but he did have to admit that Central Park looked unbelievably beautiful in the winter. His phone buzzes inside his pocket and he digs it out to read the message. 

Mitch: Me and Sarah are going to Bisous in ten. Meet us?

Harry: See you there. 

********

“French is such a pretentious language,” Maleah scoffs, taking a bite of her pastry. “But I’ll be damned if I have to give up my chocolate croissants,”

Alani chuckles lightly and traces the restaurant’s logo of a red kiss printed on her napkin. Going to Bisous at least once a day had become a tradition during her best friend’s visits. 

“I’ll have to smuggle a real one back for you and then you can tell me if this one’s the real deal,”

“When are you going, again?”

“Next month,”  

Maleah wiggles her brows. “Oooh, Valentine’s Day? Are you taking Mason with you?”

“No,” Alani says casually. “It’s for work,”

“Well, who says you can’t mix business and pleasure?”

“Literally everyone.”

“Okay,” Maleah sighs, patting her full stomach. “Let’s go now before I get sleepy.”

The two friends make their way out of the busy restaurant and Alani’s shoulder brushes someone next to her. 

“Sorry.” she apologizes, making brief eye contact with the other person before doing a double take. 

Mitch purses his lips and turns his head back to the other girl at his arm while Maleah drags Alani out the door. 

********

“I mean, what the hell was that? I could barely keep my drum kit together,” Sarah laughs gently, sipping her coffee. 

“Cause of death: rocking too fucking hard,” Mitch shrugs. “There are worse ways to die,”

Harry stirs his black coffee with a spoon and watches the mini whirlpool grow. “Rob said you could feel it in the balcony, too,”

“I’m surprised you didn’t die,” Mitch pokes. “Mr. defective lungs,”

“Heyyy, I can’t help the asthma thing, alright?”

“Well it’s the last night,” Sarah chimes in. “Are we gonna try to beat the Kiwi record and go for four times in a row?”

Harry shrugs, a soft grin on his lips. “Dunno. Maybe if it feels right,”

“I say we cut out the middleman and just bulldoze MSG ourselves. What difference does it make if the fans tear the house down or if we do?” Mitch suggests. 

“Oh yeah,” Harry nods. “I’m sure Irving would love that.”

“Some food for thought.”

The trio finish their breakfasts and excitedly continue their conversations about the impending show, but the entire time, Mitch is haunted by the knowledge of Alani’s presence in the city. He debates telling Harry, but is suddenly reminded of the intense aftermath of the pair’s falling out. 

********

“Where’s Alani?”

“Don’t fuckin’ say that name to me ever again.” 

Mitch’s brow furrowed. “What’s going on?”

And with a simple question, anger had subsided into grief. Mitch still didn’t  know all of the details surrounding their split, but he had pieced together sufficient bits from Jeff and, in part, from the lyrics Harry penned in the following weeks. The slump had lasted through the fall and winter of that year, but as spring rolled around and the album’s release drew closer, Harry pulled himself together enough to promote and tour. It felt good to be on the road, and he found himself revitalized by the energy of those who came to support. Tour itself had been relatively intimate, as he had actively decided to play smaller venues than the sold out stadiums he was accustomed to, but the enthusiasm of the crowds hadn’t changed from his band days. As Harry occupied his attention with music, Hawaii grew smaller and smaller in the back of his mind. Eventually, it dwindled into a dull ache at the center of his chest, felt only on particularly long nights coaxed with a little bit of alcohol in his bloodstream. For now, he tried to focus on his last show at Madison Square Garden. 

********

Alani’s stomach turns. Had she really seen Mitch or had it been a remarkable doppelgänger? She hoped it was the latter, knowing that if he really was in New York City, Harry wasn’t far behind. This was by no means the first time she had been reminded of her summer love turned sour, but it stung just as much every time. The first incident was last April when she turned on the T.V. only to find Harry performing one of his new songs on Saturday Night Live. It had resulted in the loss of her favorite mug as it shattered against the hardwood floor in her apartment. Since that day, Alani had seen his face on countless billboards in Times Square and habitually asked taxi drivers to change the radio station or turn it off entirely. After a while, she had gotten better at dealing with the sinking feeling whenever he was mentioned, it was easier to detach feelings for someone who lived on a screen. Running into Mitch, however, had blasted a hole straight through the fourth wall that Alani had erected,  and she knew that there was absolutely no way she could cope with a similar encounter from Harry. 

“Oh shit,” Maleah gasps softly, looking through the windshield at the hundreds of people lined up on the pavement outside of Madison Square Garden. 

“What?” Alani asks, head still spinning. 

Her best friend immediately turns to her with a nervous smile and shrugs. “Oh it’s nothing. Hey do I have something in my teeth?”

Alani glances out the window behind Maleah and her eyes bulge. “Woah, what’s happening there?”

“Oh it’s probably, like, Lady Gaga or something. Anyways, look at this random text I got the other day.”

But it wasn’t “Lady Gaga or something.” The marquee reads “Harry Styles—SOLD OUT” in bold lettering. Alani retches into her bag. 

********

“Oh, for fucks saaake!” Harry shouts playfully, the sound of his obscenities echoing throughout the large venue. 

Mitch and Adam chuckle beside him and continue setting up their equipment while Sarah offers a comedic “badum-tss” on her drum set. 

“Okay then at that point, stage lights will come down and it’s ‘Meet Me in the Hallway’,” the technical director speaks into his earpiece.

Harry nods and watches the screen behind him roll through the animation that will play during the song. 

“Alright, then it’s—”

“Wait,” Harry interjects over the mic. “Sorry, can we run it?”

“Run ‘Meet Me’?”

“Yeah,”

Mitch tenses listening to the conversation that filters through his own inner ear piece, but he continues fiddling with the strings of his guitar.  

“Running ‘Meet Me’,” the director affirms. “Sarah, stand by.”

Harry’s eyes dart over to Mitch and he nods as a sign to begin. The guitarist clears his throat and strums the opening chords. 

Meet me in the hallway 

“M’gonna go wait in the hall…”

Meet me in the hallway 

“Give you some space to think and then we’ll talk, yeah?”

I just left your bedroom 

“I never wanted to hurt you.”

Give me some morphine 

“I hope you got all the material you wanted.”

Is there any more to do?

“Please don’t go.”

Just let me know and I’ll be at the door, at the door

Hoping you'll come around

Just let me know I’ll be on the floor, on the floor 

Maybe we’ll work it out

********

“Maybe I shouldn’t go,” Maleah offers. “I can catch a return flight tomorrow,”

Alani sits up in her bed and shakes her head. “No, Mi, it’s okay. I’ll be fine,”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. It’s probably just a stomach bug or something,”

Maleah gives her friend a tight squeeze and pulls away to read her face. “Let me know if you need anything, I’ll come right back,”

“Thank you,” Alani says, forcing a smile. “I’m so sorry to put a damper on your last day.”

“Nah, there’s nothing to worry about. Feel better soon, Nani.”

The door closes softly and Alani burrows deeper into the covers. She tries to bury the emotion back under a lock and key, but a gentle sob fights its way up her chest. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, she cries, but maybe it was. Just as the sun rises and sets, so had Harry entered and exited her life, and maybe that’s exactly how it was meant to be. After all, Alani had gotten exactly what she wanted, hadn’t she? So why does it still hurt? 

The snow falls gently outside of her window, but the entire scene blurs into shades of white and grey behind her tears. It had snowed just like this on the day she moved to the city. Shortly after the article about Harry had been published by a small gossip site, Alani had contacted the publishers and threatened litigation if they didn’t take it down. Unsurprisingly, they had also been contacted by Columbia Records and thus, the piece was removed that same day. Despite the quick turnaround, Rolling Stone had caught wind of the storm brewing on social media and reached out to Alani a few days later. They had been impressed that the elusive Harry Styles granted her an interview, but they didn’t push the matter much further. Instead, they had offered her one piece of her choosing to prove herself. If the reviews were favorable, she would be given a regular contributor spot, unpaid of course. They would re-evaluate at the beginning of the new quarter and negotiate from there. When January of 2017 rolled around, Alani’s writing was making surprising waves in the Rolling Stone community, so she had been hired on as a junior writer and assistant to the Editor in Chief. The pay wasn’t great, but it was a leap in the right direction. 

Despite everything that had changed in a year, a string of random letters on a building that Alani passed a million times had brought her emotions right back to the day she had tried so hard to forget. Her phone buzzes under the covers and she reaches out a hand to locate it. Her editor’s name appears and she answers it quickly. 

“Hello?”

“Darling, hello! Where are you?”

“Oh my god,” Alani groans. “Vanessa I’m so sorry,”

“Is everything okay?”

Alani sits up and clears her throat. “I have food poisoning,”

“Christ, from where?”

“Bisous,”

Vanessa sighs. “Poor thing. Okay, no worries we’ll just reschedule,”

“I’m so sorry, I’ll make it up to you,”

“No need to be sorry, get some rest and we’ll catch up later!”

The call ends and Alani gawks at the time. 7:30 already?  She slumps back under the covers and sifts through her social media, wincing when she sees several of her friends posting about the line outside of Madison Square Garden. No, Alani decides sternly when the sudden urge to go stirs in the pit of her stomach, absolutely no fucking way. 

********

“10 minutes!”

Harry scans the crowd from the monitor backstage. He pinches his lower lip between his index finger and thumb as the nerves settle in. 

“The house is packed,” Jeff comments with a hand on the singer’s shoulder. “And there’s still a crowd outside,”

“We did it?”

“You did it,”

So why does it still hurt? 

“Thanks for everything,” Harry says, bringing his manager in for a hug. “Couldn’t have done it without you.”

Jeff pats Harry on the back. “All in a day’s work for the dream team.”

Before heading out, Harry stops one of the crew members and asks if any of the guests on his list have arrived yet. Names are read off, friends from different inner circles over the years, but there’s one name in particular that isn’t called. He offers a thumbs up and a forced grin before making his way to the stage.

It always surprises the technical crew at every venue that Harry has specific lighting requests for the house. Performers had their individual preferences, this wasn’t unusual, but no one made a bigger deal about being able to see the crowd like Harry did. He enjoyed being able to see each person and connect with them, especially when performing an album that was as personal as this one. But in every sea he searched, one face was always missing. Tonight’s audience, much to his disappointment, was no different. 

The crowd cheers as “Sweet Creature” fades out and the lights on stage dim. More than half of the show has already gone by and they’ve reached the point that is always a little harder to get through. Harry takes a swig from his water bottle and clears his throat to fight the lump that forms. He breathes in deeply and “Meet Me in the Hallway” begins, but no matter how hard he tries to focus on the technical aspects of his performance, it’s nearly impossible not to get dragged back into the moment when the song was written. 

“I should go back,” 

“H, I don’t know if that’s such a good—”

“I have to go back.” 

And so he had. After two hours of pacing the airport lounge, Harry had jumped into an Uber and sped back to the hotel. It had taken another agonizing twenty minutes to explain his situation to the front desk workers and retrieve his old room key, but it was no use. He was too late. The bed was still unmade, but there was no sign of Alani save for the faint scent of Baby Honey and a gold necklace tucked away between the sheets. 

The flight back to the mainland had already departed by the time Harry stumbled through the hotel lobby, and there wouldn’t be another one for three more hours. In the meantime, he decided to get some fresh air and clear his mind, hoping all the while that he would find Alani at the edge of the beach waiting to run back into his arms. She never did, and he was left with all the words he wished he had said. 

I walked the streets all day 

Running with the thieves 

‘Cause you left me in the hallway 

Just take my pain away 

Just let me know and I’ll be at the door, at the door

Hoping you'll come around

Just let me know I’ll be on the floor, on the floor 

Maybe we’ll work it out

********

“Great show,” praises Rob Sheffield, author of one of Harry’s favorite books, Love is a Mix Tape. “Drummer’s incredible,”

Sarah beams and Harry flashes her a grin. “Thanks. It’s Sarah’s band, really. I’m just the frontman,”

“Well she kicked ass. All of you did, and I can tell by the way the floor was shaking that I’m not the only one who thought so.”

“Thank you so much, that means a lot.”

More guests filter in and congratulate Harry and the rest of the band, but while he sincerely appreciates all of the love, he can’t help the way his eyes flicker to the door every once in a while in the hope that someone else will straggle in. He slowly loses that hope when the room empties and the night drags on. 

********

This isn’t ethical, Alani chastises herself, this is wrong on every level and you’re gonna pay. She runs her fingers over the Rolling Stone press badge in her hand and stares at the marquee towering over her. What the fuck are you doing? 

“Excuse me!” Alani calls when she sees an employee slip through a side door. “Hi, I know I’m really late but I’m actually here with Rolling Stone,”

The blonde-haired woman blinks and scans over the badge with an unamused look on her face. 

“Nice try,”

“No, wait,” Alani begs. “I have to get in there, please—”

“You and every other girl within a twenty-five mile radius.”

Alani takes a deep breath and re-groups. “You don’t understand. I really need to get back there, I’m working on an important piece,”

As the struggle continues, another woman in stiletto heels exits through the side door with a clipboard in tow. 

“My name is Alani Hale, see? Please just—”

“Wait,” the woman with the clipboard intervenes. The name sounded strangely familiar, probably from the blacklist, in which case security would need to be notified. “What did you say your name was?”

Alani holds her badge out and swallows hard. “Alani Hale, junior writer for Rolling Stone.”

The woman checks through the blacklist but the name isn’t registered. She does a cursory glance over the V.I.P section and her finger lands on a note that reads “Mahealani ‘Alani’ Hale—Code Carolina: escort backstage and inform Mr. Styles immediately.”

“Follow me, please,”

Alani trails behind, doing her best to keep up with the long strides of the woman with the clipboard.

 “Marta to security, I have a Code Carolina,” she murmurs into her ear piece. “Repeat, I have a Code Carolina.”

Alani’s heart races as they zig-zag through the arena. Did Harry know that she was coming? Had Mitch told him that they saw each other at Bisous? The answer was no, Mitch hadn’t told and Harry didn’t know. He had only hoped. Unbeknownst to Alani, her name was printed on the Madison Square Garden list and on every list of every show in all the countries scheduled. Through Paris and all through Rome, Harry had looked for her face in the crowd and he dreamed that one day his efforts wouldn’t be in vain. 

“Wait here,” Marta instructs, leading Alani to a back room with mirrors, a couple of couches, and a clothing rack. “Someone will be with you shortly.”

Before she can ask any questions, Marta is gone and the sound of her heels echo down the hall. Alani takes a deep breath and her lungs are immediately filled with the familiar scent of vanilla. Her eyes carefully rake over the scene and land on a familiar white shirt hanging on the rack and the words “Enjoy Health, Eat Your Honey.”

“Thief,”

“I meant to return it.”

Alani spins on her heel and Harry stands with his fists shoved deep inside the pockets of his flared pants, eyes cast down at the floor. She tugs on the sleeves of her coat and offers a shy smile. 

“It’s okay, looked better on you anyway.”

A brief silence follows and they size each other up like it’s a gunfight, each waiting to see who will draw first. His hair is longer and curlier, Alani notices, chest and shoulders broader, too. But there’s a familiarity in his creased brow and in the heart shaped curve of his cupid’s bow. Harry does his own inventory; dark, almond shaped eyes, check. Round face, cinnamon skin, check and check. Her long, wavy locks are now shoulder length, but he’d recognize the scent of Baby Honey anywhere. The two are absorbed in their own silent assessments for a moment longer, but Alani quickly gets the urge to flee after she counts too many similarities between this Harry and the one that left her with a broken heart. 

“I should go,” she croaks, taking a step back. “I shouldn’t have come—”

“Why did you?” Harry asks earnestly. 

Alani tugs at a loose thread on her sleeve before crossing her arms. “Saw your name outside and got curious. For a while there, I started to think that maybe I imagined you,”

Harry doesn’t know what to do with the knowledge that he had haunted her as much as she had plagued him. He had spent so long believing that he meant nothing to her, but nevertheless, a part of him left room for her return. 

“You did, this is a hologram projection,”

Alani smiles and her shoulders relax at his humor. It really was him. 

“Did you enjoy—”

“I didn’t see the show—” they speak at the same time, eager words overlapping. 

“Oh,” Harry laughs softly. “You didn’t miss much,”

Alani shakes her head and takes a single step forward. “No, that’s not true. I’m sure it was amazing,”

Harry offers a coy grin, the shadow of a dimple on his left cheek. One hand emerges from his pocket and his knuckle brushes against the tip of his nose. Alani catches sight of the silver rose on his finger and she still remembers how it feels under the pad of her thumb. 

“Are you hungry?” he asks softly, pulling her from her reverie. 

“What?”

“Have dinner with me?”

Alani blinks, her throat suddenly dry. “Oh. Well I don’t know, I don’t wanna interrupt—”

“Never an interruption,” Harry assures her. 

She nods and he takes a step back. 

“M’gonna go change,” he explains. “I’ll just be a minute.”

“What, you don’t wear custom Marc Jacobs suits to dinner?” She teases. 

He grins, amused, and continues backing away towards the door before correcting her. “It’s Gucci.”

Alani rolls her eyes and he disappears into the hallway. 

When Harry reemerges in a beanie, puffy coat, and light wash denim jeans, he leads them through a series of tunnels and exits. 

“Where are we going?” Alani asks, bracing herself for the snow outside. 

“It’s a surprise.” he offers and she doesn’t fight him on it.

********

“We’re not eating here?” 

A soft smile falls on Harry’s lips. He hadn’t realized just how much he missed her incessant questioning. 

“No,”  he replies, opening the passenger door with one hand and passing her the bag that contains their dinner. “Too crowded,”

“Oh,” 

It made sense that Harry would want to keep a low profile and avoid any possible paparazzi sightings of the two of them, but it still felt strange to worry about such things after they had lived so carefree in Hawai’i. But that was then, and this was now, things had inevitably changed. 

“D’you wanna play some music?” Harry asks, settling behind the wheel. The parallels between this moment and their first excursion together make her chest tighten. 

“How about,” Alani starts. “Your album? Since I didn’t get to hear it live,”

Harry’s breathing hitches. “Well, I dunno—”

“Please?”

He meets her pleading eyes momentarily and, against his better judgment, agrees. 

“What’s it called?” she questions. 

“It’s just my name,”

“Self-titled, very classy. I like it,”

“I thought about calling it Sign of the Times,” Harry reveals. “But it’s already been done before,”

Alani hums. “Prince,”

“Yeah,” he nods. “But then I also thought about going with ‘Pink,’ because, you know, when in doubt—”

“Go with the pink one,” they say in unison and Alani smiles softly. How had he remembered that?

“And it’s the only true rock ‘n roll color,” she continues. 

Harry beams. “Exactly. But then Jeff suggested that we just go with the name. Simple, but effective,”

“Okay, so now that we’ve got the background,” Alani pokes. “And you’ve sufficiently distracted me, can I listen now?”

He swallows and checks the GPS, still twenty-five minutes to go. 

“How about we hold off,” he suggests. “Just for now so we can listen to the full thing and really soak it in?”

Alani backs off. “Alright, deal.”

She presses shuffle on the playlist of her frequently played songs for the month and immediately regrets doing so. Clearing her throat, she goes to press skip but Harry stops her. 

“S’a good one.” he says gently, so Alani lets Adele fill the awkward space. 

If you’re gonna let me down 

Let me down gently don’t pretend 

That you don’t want me 

Our love ain’t water under the bridge

********

Harry opens the passenger door and Alani steps out, her eyes squinting to make out any recognizable landmarks in their surroundings. They remain a comfortable two feet apart and make their way to the entrance of what appears to be some sort of greenhouse. Alani is filled with more confusion, but she doesn’t ask further questions until they reach the white double doors. 

“What?” Harry questions. “Never been to the New York Botanical Garden?”

Alani’s eyes widen. “The—wait, you—we’re?”

“After you,” he chuckles lightly, opening the doors. 

“Are we even allowed? I mean is it open?”

“I pulled some strings,”

She enters cautiously, immediately met with an archway of blush colored flowers and string lights that takes her breath away. A long, narrow pond in the center reflects the image back and creates a kaleidoscope of pink, green, and golden hues. 

“How did you,” Alani begins, at a complete loss for words. “Who are you?”

Harry nods in the direction of an adjacent hallway. “There’s a ballroom set up for a wedding tomorrow night, but Jim said we could crash as long as we clean up after ourselves,”

“Jim?”

“The director.”

“Of course.” 

Sure enough, round tables with cream colored tablecloth and elaborate floral centerpieces are arranged around the room. A delicate, yet undoubtedly expensive, chandelier twinkles in the center of the room and casts such a warm glow that Alani momentarily forgets about the snow outside. 

“Dig in,” Harry instructs, setting the pasta on the table in front of them. 

Alani sits and gently sheds her winter coat as he does the same. Underneath his jacket, Harry wears a yellow shirt that catches her eye with the words “treat people with kindness” printed in black lettering. She freezes when she spots a gold chain with a sun and moon pendant nestled comfortably between above the words.

“How is everyone?” Alani questions politely to shift her attention. “Mitch, Tom, Jeff,”

“They’re good, yeah,” he nods. “How’re Freddie and your family?”

“They’re fine, and he’s living his blissful little life,”

“Good for him. Miss his cuddles,”

And yours, Harry thinks, but he pulls back. Alani offers a shy laugh and thinks about the elephant in the room yet to be addressed: the break-up. It’s worth discussing, but she sure as hell isn’t going to be the one to bring it up. 

“And how’ve you been?” Harry asks when the silence stretches out for too long. 

Alani chews and ponders the question. “Good. Been working a lot,”

“Where at?”

“Rolling Stone,”

“Really?” he beams. “That’s incredible, congratulations,”

“Thank you,” she replies graciously. 

Harry’s chin rests in his palm and he twirls a noodle around his fork. “So you live here?”

“Yeah, in the Village,”

“Wow. Greenwich Village, a real city-slicker now. Traded Stevie in for the Holland Tunnel?”

A bittersweet smile spreads across Alani’s lips at the memory of her beloved Bronco. “Sadly, yes. And you?”

“Malibu,” Harry divulges. “I hate the cold.”

“It’s not so bad. You can always cuddle up with the giant rats,” she jokes, which makes his nose scrunch.

“I’m just gonna pretend you didn’t say that,” 

“Speaking of pretend,” Alani wiggles her brows. “You were in a movie after all,” 

“I was,” 

“I didn’t watch it, sorry,” 

Harry feigns offense and Alani quickly back pedals. “I don’t like war movies!”

“And you hated my guts.” he teases, though it pains him that there might be some truth to his words. 

Alani shakes her head and fights the urge to reach across the table for his hand. “No, not really. It was kind of the opposite, actually.” 

Harry’s eye wanders to the outside of Alani’s wrist and a faint smile creeps across his face when he spots the black outline of a crescent moon. He wonders if there are any new inked designs that he isn’t aware of. Despite all the time that has elapsed, there is a familiarity in her presence that he hadn’t felt even in the comforts of his California residence. It was like kicking off your shoes in the doorway after a long trip. It was like coming home. 

They finish their meal and continue their light-hearted banter into the night. Harry tells his favorite stories from tour and Alani wishes more than anything that she could have been there. She details the events of her own busy life in New York and the highlights of working for Rolling Stone, one of which being the time that she got to meet Stevie Nicks in the flesh. 

“Did you tell her about your car?” Harry presses enthusiastically. 

“No way,” Alani chuckles, draining the last of her drink. “I wasn’t gonna embarrass myself in front of the Supreme,” 

“I think she would’ve found it flattering,” 

“Naming your child after someone is flattering, not a car,” 

Harry shrugs. “I think it’s cute,” 

“Yeah well,” Alani sighs. “You’re not like most people,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

She mulls it over, studying the familiar sea glass irises that she never thought she’d see again. What had Alani meant by that statement? Truthfully, she didn’t know if she could put it into words, nor had she meant to say them in the first place. But something about Harry always made her feel brave, like she could speak her mind uncensored and he would understand without even trying. 

“I just meant that you’re, you know,” she starts. “Not judgemental. Like, I could tell you that I think I’m part alien and you’d probably try to help me find my home planet,” 

Harry laughs and leans forward with his elbows on the table, an unspoken challenge for Alani to continue her thoughts. 

“You make people feel seen and heard,” she says finally with a wistful look in her eye. “I mean, why do you think all those people lined up to see you tonight?” 

The last part of her statement is a deflection from what she really wants to say, which is that Harry makes her feel seen and heard. Despite all the time and space between them, it was still true and it terrified her. There was only so much bravery that Harry’s presence could evoke. The mood shifts suddenly when Alani’s phone buzzes and the name “Mason” with a pink heart emoji lights up the screen next to her glass of water. Harry hadn’t meant to look and he deeply regrets that he did. 

“You have a boyfriend,” he comments dejectedly, and though he hadn’t meant it to be accusatory, all words carry the sting of judgment when falling on guilty ears. 

“Oh, and I’m sure you’ve stayed celibate this entire time,” Alani bites back. 

Harry’s brow furrows. “I wasn’t—I didn’t mean—”

“I’m sorry, this was a mistake,” she apologizes, standing with her coat. 

“Wait,” he jumps up. “What just happened?”

“I have to go—”

“Just stop for a minute, please,”

Alani stops in her tracks and turns back to face Harry slowly. His jaw is tight and the crease between his eyebrows is deeper than she remembers. 

“I’m sorry,” she begins carefully. “Thank you for tonight, but I really shouldn’t be here—”

Harry’s eyes clamp shut and he runs a frustrated hand through his messy curls.  

“Can you stop acting like you’re doing me a favor by leaving and just talk to me?”

“What do you want me to say?” Alani pushes back. “‘I’m sorry that I saw your name in flashing lights and I got caught trying to spy on you’?”

“Alani—”

“‘I’m sorry that I tried to move on’?”

“Stop apologizing—”

“I’m sorry that I fell in love and fucked it all up because I was afraid and I’m sorry that I betrayed the one person who meant everything to me,”

Silence falls between them and the only sound is the sniffling of Alani’s nose as she tries, and fails, to hold back the emotions that pour over. 

“That’s why I went,” she continues, voice wavering. “Because I’m selfish and I couldn’t stay away. Every single day, I’m reminded of how royally I screwed everything up and it tears me apart, so I went to try to make things right and take some of that pain away. Even though I hurt you and there’s nothing I can ever do to change that,”

Harry swallows hard and his eyes sting, but Alani speaks up again before he can respond. 

“So please,” she begs. “Please, just let me finally do something right by you and let me go,”

He takes a cautious step forward and shakes his head. “I don’t want to,”

They both hold their breaths, anticipating the other person’s next draw. 

“And maybe that makes me selfish too,” Harry adds. “‘Cause I went back that day, back to the hotel,”

Alani blinks. “You did?”

“Yes,” he nods. “Because I wasn’t mad that you published the article, I was scared that it was the only reason you were with me—”

“Harry—”

“But then I realized that I didn’t care,” he laughs dryly. “Because I still loved you, and I figured that having you— having just a little bit of your heart and your attention—was worth it, even if you didn’t really love me back,”

He takes another step forward and the toes of their shoes nearly touch. “And maybe I’m being selfish now by asking you to stay, but you’re not the only one trying to get rid of the pain,”

Alani takes a shallow breath and studies the eagerness in his eyes. The sight makes her chest pound. 

“I’m sorry that I ever made you doubt,” she whispers. “But I meant every word I said, you were everything to me. You were the sun that my life revolved around and I was terrified of losing you because the truth is that I hate the cold, too,”

Harry gently reaches a hand up to her cheek and Alani leans into the warmth of his touch. 

“Can I show you something?”

You and your goddamn surprises. “Yes.”

He leads them down several winding hallways before flicking a light on in the gallery. Alani’s heart stops when she sees it. 

“Not quite as impressive as the real thing,” Harry offers. “But Ms. O’Keeffe did a pretty damn good job,”

An original Georgia O’Keeffe painting of a waterfall, their waterfall, the one that Alani had mentioned all that time ago, is displayed proudly on the wall before them. A replica had hung above the bed they shared on many nights and all at once a faint memory resurfaces. 

“Where did you say the original was?”

“New York Botanical Garden,” 

 “M’gonna take you one day,”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Alani takes a step closer to the artwork and examines the details of the oil on canvas. A few steps behind, Harry is only concerned with her reaction and pays little attention to the piece of art on display. As far as he was concerned, Alani was the only one worth admiring. 

“Do you remember what you told me when I asked why you went to the falls to write?” Alani asks. 

Of course Harry had, but he remains silent to let her continue. 

“You said that you liked going there,” she adds, deliberate. “Because it made you forget about every bad thing that ever happened to you, because none of it was real in comparison to the feeling of standing in front of that waterfall,”

Harry nods gently, but he still doesn’t speak. 

“Do you know what that feeling is called?”

“No,”

“It’s called home,” Alani says softly, turning to face him. “It’s what I felt, what I feel, when I’m with you,”

His breath hitches and he stands frozen as she carefully walks toward him.

“And while we’re making wishes come true,” she smiles delicately. “I never told you what I wished for the day we saw that rainbow,”

“What did you wish for?” Harry searches. 

Alani’s eyes fall to his parted lips. “That you would kiss me.”

His mouth curls at the edges and he releases a long breath. “Think maybe I can deliver on that one, too.”

Harry leans in, ever so slightly, and Alani closes the gap. They had been standing mere inches apart, but the meeting of their lips bridges an entire chasm. Over and over again, like waves against the shore, their mouths collide desperately as they pull each other closer with no intentions of ever letting go. 

********

February 14, 2018

“Comment est le temps?” 

Alani peers up at Harry and shields her eyes from the sun behind his back. “What does that mean?”

He grins softly and kisses the top of her head before taking a seat on the balcony next to her. 

“Means ‘how’s the weather?’,” 

“Oh,” she leans over, lips puckered for a kiss. “Full of perfectly Parisian sunshine,”

“Try sayin’ that ten times fast,”

Alani swipes his pink, heart shaped sunglasses and slips them onto the bridge of her nose with a contented sigh. Ahead, the Eiffel tower stands proudly in the distance and the lenses of her glasses tint the entire scene in a picturesque rosy glow. 

“La Ville de L’amour,” she hums. “Did I say that right?”

“Oui,”

“Hey, you know what I saw on the room service menu?”

Harry shakes his head. “No, what?”

“Piña coladas,” Alani wiggles her brows. “Think they deliver at midnight?”

He chuckles lightly and his hand takes purchase on her knee. “They better,”

“Never had a Parisian piña colada. Sounds romantic, though.”

“Sure does, sweets.”

Alani stands and reaches for Harry’s hand. He accepts and rises to his feet, pulling her close. Below, the sounds of the city serenade them as they gently sway in the chilly breeze. When Harry feels Alani shiver, he hugs  her to his chest and rests his chin comfortably on the top of her head. She feels his steady heartbeat against her cheek and smiles softly, fingertips smoothing up and down his back. 

“Are you ready for Valentine’s Day surprise number one?” he asks, pulling away slightly to meet her eyes. 

She narrows her eyes. “Where are we going?”

Harry pulls back with a mischievous smile, hands still attached to hers, and leads them back inside.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Alani giggles but she doesn’t push. Instead, she happily follows him out of their room, down the hall, and into the bustling streets of Paris. 

We don’t know where we’re going 

But we know where we belong 

And oh we started 

Two hearts in one home 

It’s hard when we argue 

We’re both stubborn 

I know, but oh

Sweet creature, sweet creature 

Wherever I go, you bring me home 

Sweet creature, sweet creature

When I run out of road 

You bring me home

[psychemeanscure]

PART 29 {Finally!! and it’s been a week of stress indeed. 😞 But thankfully things slowly gets better and better for our Mum YJ 🤗 And for the record? I just wanna say, I’MAPUPPY!😂🤣 I maybe expert on reading smuts but I do am puppy in writing. hahaha. So for you  who was left hanging from the prev. part... Better live it to your imagination guys. keke}

Gentle breeze of summer hay, daylight hues of morning skies, a serene waves of crystal seas. And of course, what’s much more perfect for Jang Taeyoung other than his living Aphrodite’s side profile. Sitting on her daybed balcony, wearing an ash gray robe, drinking her set of bottled water. ‘Fresh from a bath.’ He can tell.

“F*cking hell.” Scolding his own innuendo while she ain’t even doing anything but sit!

A resting elbow, a root of knuckles assisting a tight jaw suppressing a taste of his volatile prey once again. Shifting gazes with a rising pet under the sheets of hot mess they’re in throughout the night. “I can’t blame you Bud. It’s been a while indeed.” Like a consoling friend to his long sleeping member. Yet, she’s beautifully tempting to ignore for so he decided.

Sung Eunyoung on the other side, cannot contain her smiling from coming. Feeling absurd by a single thought in mind. She, being intimate with the man she used to brush off her senses surprises her. Not in her whole life did she expect that but now? “Unbelievable. You are so unbelievable, Sung Eunyoung.”

“Unbelievable. Yes, it is.”

A breathy voice speaks after her. That the same person who exactly did a great chaos of her sanity. Jang Taeyoung’s snaking hand on the fabrics of her robe is enough for her to feel the tingling sensation she starts to familiar with. Slanting to get a glimpse of him from behind for there she is being drooled by those dark orbs which only sees is her and only her. She saw it all. The way her own reflection radiates the apples of his sight. And for the first time in a long time…

She felt proud. He’s solely hers. “Jang” She have to say it, like a validation she wanted to seal. And so she did. A peck to her shoulder, a rubbing thumb circling her belly as well as a seeming smile he gives in, and the sight that never left hers. She confirmed.

“Morning, sunshine.”

Before she knew it? She’s already responding, giving the same curve as he did. “Same as you, Mr. Jang.” Her smile that he cannot take, he eventually stole a kiss on her glossy lips. Thus she hissed a glare, frowning by the sudden chaste she least expected. “I knew it. Tss. Seriously, Jang Taeyoung. Hold it, will you?”

Just to garner his famous snigger. “I can’t promise though. You already awaken him, Eunyoung. You tell me.”

True to his words, she did felt its pet inside his sweatpants bulging behind her. Rolling her eyes, she retorted. “Por favor, Loco. You tire me so shut it.”

Much to her dismay, there ain’t much worse than a stubborn Jang Taeyoung it is. What’s new. A traitor hand sensually sneaking inside her, yet after a slicking smirk on his face. “Is that so? But it seems like I’m much tired Mi amor, considering you even went up first than I am. Isn’t it?”

A jolt from her own, and she’s sure she’ll going to deal another of his expertise. While a sudden image he almost forgot to open up pops his mind. “And oh! Speaking of first…” he begins his contractions.  “You’re a damn seducer woman. Sex education, eh? And here I thought you merely took up the common ones. Damn, if I only knew about it early I should have ravished you even back then. You and your wise mind it is, Ms. Sung.”

‘So he saw it. Mierda!’ she can only think of scolding herself. If not her being too occupied that time, she would have known what his contemplating stare mean the moment he stands in front her piled achievements. “So I was wondering…” thus he started his interrogating response.

“Since the educator has already enlightened the writer. Then isn’t it best for the writer to do his part too?”

Right after the impeccable swirl work of his tongue through her neck, he follows his judgement. “Here, in your daybed. You, my tempting empress and I, your welcoming slave. Writing a better version of Kamasutra. What do you think? Hm?”

And she lost it.

As to a delirious awe of her parting lips subsided, slumping back leaning by the nakedness of his chest, carves of its toned tattoos filling the heat of her whole soul. She accepted her defeat again, for rumor whom she cursed to avoid through a lifetime has it. Him, being the infamous Jang Taeyoung in bed that every bold ones looks forward to. Is indeed one fat truth! Which now she shamelessly admits includes her. A one big slap to her denials. A screw momentum for her living pride. She’s hopeless for she starts to become unsure herself between the reason of her own desire.

Was it because of the fact that he’s simply a natural taming scavenger? Or rather it was his effortless sweet talk calling of giving her names of his liking? Either, or. It’s just seems her writer has finally taught her of what a word insatiable means. A kind of pleasure that had slowly become her favorite thing. Before she realized? They eventually did it again. In her daybed. Feeling the sweats of their aftermath solitude. Hearing each other’s heaving breaths.

Sometime later. Reviving from a huffing state she opts to turn her head to face the weariless man next to her, spooning her and ready for a possible round he’s wishing. Yet, not on her watch as she quickly grabs his sultry hands off her. “Loco, please. I have other things to put at work. Spare me, will you?”    

Even when she ends up slapping him afterwards. Him and his slyness, what’s new. “Cabrón.” A set of warning before a groaning contrary by him happened. “Tss. You and your threats.”  

“And when did a simple warning become a threat,” Sitting up to fix her disheveled robe. Frowning to face the culprit himself. “Huh?” followed by a glancing inquiry she demands for answer. “Whatever smart Sung. As if you let me slip anyway.” A frustrated man came to visit for defiance.

She almost forgot to suppress herself to snigger. For heaven’s sake! She supposed to remain compose even, yet damn this sulking loco of her ruining everything that the only choice she had is to hold her breath to stop a bursting demeanor. Good thing she had her back on him that he’s clueless of what she’s up to, trying to make herself calm as much as possible.

Biting her lips for the last time, “You’re mad at me?” she managed to reciprocate an indecent follow-up, facing him. “FYI Mr. Sly fox, whose fault is it anyway that I have been bombarded with numerous calls from my superiors and so my presence is a must this instant? Good thing my phone is still working even after being thrown. I’ll definitely kill you if it isn’t. Tss.”

“Dare if you can.” Raising up while avoiding her sight, he sprints back inside her bedroom picking up his tussled summer shirt to as well cover his shirtless figure before mockingly staring at her. “As if I was the one who rejected the call even, when in fact the only thing I did was to tease you. That is.” Upset by how suddenly hard to button his shirt, a cussing Jang finally came by. “F*cking shirt!” a forcing hand frustratingly put on-hold.

And she can’t hold any longer. “Hmpp--- pfft! Hahahahah.”

“Now your laughing. Wow.” Indeed. She had freely put herself from laughing out loud, so enough to flex her low vibrato. “Really, woman?” Another of his rebuke for she still doing it. “Sung Eunyoung! I tell you woman, if you don’t stop I might just---“

“Okay! Okay. I’ll--- hahah--- sorry. Okay, uhum. I’ll stop. There. Are we good?”

“Whatever. Tsk.”

Sensing his mug menace, she eventually stopped for real, approaching the man who felt victimize. “Hey, cutie.”

“Did you just call me---“

Something sealed onto his lips before he could actually finish his sentence. It was hers to begin with. The savoring taste he cannot attain to sweep away for so in just a snap of it, his frustration fade away. As fast as that, she swiftly turns the table while he has to curse himself for being a muted cub with this volatile woman in front of him silkily volunteering to button his shirt herself before giving a scrutinizing stare that drown him to dive in the depths of his sensible soul.  

“Is this the real you, Jang Taeyoung? An ever persistent man with the woman he like? Hm?”

He remained speechless. Not long before he clamor to decide beneath himself. Proclaiming to dive along the eye-banging they begun to get used to. “Yes. And you have never been the woman I like, Sung Eunyoung. Let me just correct you in that part because you’ve always been a lover for me. That is.”

He confessed, and she was taken aback. Silently gulping on her own, she can only hide her fluster. She won’t let herself get defeated that easy. Not yet. Sliding away her hold from his nape as she crossed her arms provoking him instead. “You, sly. You pretty sure it isn’t just the lust talking?”

Levelling her pace, he countered back. A brow, twisting to bicker. “Given. You can’t blame me. I’ve been caged enough with celibacy, woman. Just so you know.”

“Is that so? Well sad, Loco. Seems that woman of yours can’t spend a whole day for you.”

“F*cking sh*---“

“La mierda. Halt that vulgar mouth of yours, will you?”

“Like who’s talking as well. Now woman, if you keep making excuses just not to spend time with me, it’s not working.”

She surrendered. A sweeping hand thru the air and a clicking tongue of mockery. She debated. “Aish. Fine. For the peace of your mind then let me just tell you Mr. Jang Taeyoung that aside for the urgent school agenda, I will actually go straight to meet my parents for dinner. There? Does it answer all your question?”

Crossing her arms once again before the unexpected bafflement she never imagined to see from him happened. Looking by his reaction, she was left confused as if he suddenly reminded of something he had forgotten in a while. Nevertheless, she crossed the idea anyway. Choosing her assuming one instead.

With a dreary sigh, she banters. “Right. How come I expect that my parents-pass will actually work for you. I’m foolishly hoping for nothi---“

“Oh…”

“Oh?” surprised by his reply, somehow she unconsciously responded the same before shrugging the thought off and obliged to fill her discontinued one different from the original she opts to be.

“--- Miraculously. Thank you then, Loco. Congratulation eh, that’s new.”  

She even dared to add some teasing at the end of her sentence, just to be unheard by still zoning man in front of her. “Cabrón?” Wanting to get his attention, she retaliates not knowing it was actually a start of a counter. An eyeing man bound to release an unexpected reply. “Can I tag along?”

“Of course, you sha--- what?!”

An embellish retort came after her indeed. “Come again, Jang Taeyoung?” A sassy man tacking its hands in his pockets responded instead. “I said can I tag along. So, can I?”

“And why would I?”

“You never know…” Shrugging off, a knowing smirk faces her.

“No.”

Thus the stern word she decides to give in. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Mister. I have to get change already.” Forcefully pushing the stubborn man behind her closed doors, a piercing shut has been heard.

~

But screw her for underestimating everything for it was still her in the end being clowned by what was happening around her all along. “What the.”

“--- hell?”        

[onthevirgeofdestruction]

35 Q’s for Fanfic Writers

From this post

I’m having a shitty, rude alter-y, crap night so I’m just going to answer all of these to distract myself and focus and to not bother anybody just making my own post and putting it under the cut btw, notice to anyone not aware: since I’m moving I won’t likely be updating anything until I’m done doing so.

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing?  (No downplaying yourself!) 3/5? Could use more editing and description and can be weirdly paced.

2. Why do you write fanfiction? Because it’s better than focusing on pain 24/7. 

3. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works? I don’t seem to have a specific narrative voice that people recognize but I’m pretty proud of mostly organic dialogue. 

4. Are there any writers that inspire you? as a rule i never look up to anybody for inspiration but there’s some stuff in my ao3 bookmarks I fawn over.

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of? Right now, none of them. It changes normally, anyway. If get too proud then I’d get my ass kicked by RSD if someone didn’t like it so it’s safer this way

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily? Dialogue. 

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most? Organic description, poetic language kind of stuff. I can paint a scene but I’m not so great with bring out out a feeling with description alone.

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write? Janus and Virgil are probably tied. They both have things I struggle with but I don’t have to go back and do much adjusting of language and tone with them. Though admittedly my Virgil is signifigantly more foul-mouthed than canon and I tend to prefer pre-AA feral asshole Virgil.

9. Which character(s) do you find most difficult to write? Patton. I write him the least, so people can probably tell. I love Patton, I really do, but it’s so hard to keep away from fanon Patton. 

10. What’s your favorite genre to write for? Angst w/ H/C obviously. Or if you’re talking about regular book genres, Fantasy. I fucking love fantasy world building.

11. Who or what do you find yourself writing about most? Trauma. I blame Daeram. As if Ayri isn’t a giant Angst Demon.

12. Tell us about a WIP you’re excited about. Slopes. I’m really into it. I’ve got three one shots running right now. Patrons can read the first part of the unnamed cat remus one, there’s also a coffeeshop au tropey nonsense one like eglantine & lycoris, but Slopes is addiction angst. Mmmmm. Virgil is addicted to coke and alcohol and will listening to his friends even be in time? Who knows, especially not me, but there’s already over 30k. 

13. First fandom you ever wrote for? InuYasha. Or was it Harry Potter? Or shit, The Blue Sword? Fuck, I’ve been writing for a long time, I really have no idea.

14. What’s your favorite fandom to write for? Sanders Sides. The characters are the perfect dynamic for writing since they exist in balance of each other and the popular, easy to project on archetypes featured are incredibly fun to do basically any scenario with.

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for? Weird storywise? Kingdom Hearts? I can’t even follow the plot anymore. Weird Fandomwise? Sanders Sides. Its simultainiously the fluffiest and angstiest nonsense at the same time.

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)? Vampires. Gay ones. Gay Vampires. I also love calm tol and angy smol.

17. A trope you’ll never, ever write for. Any tropes that normalize incredibly toxic behaviour or tropes that are inherantly ableist, but I can’t think of any.

18. Wildest fic you’ve ever written? Incorrigible continues to be complete nonsense.

19. Do you prefer canon-compliant, AUs, or something in-between? AUs. I mean closest I even have is canon-divergence other than a single short.

20. Gen fic or shippy stuff? I like it when there is gay nonsense along with a plot that is treated as more important than the relationship the most. But I like both. There’s more shippy stuff in tss so i read more shipping action by default.

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!) Anxceit/Sleepxiety, but in general, give me darksides or give me death/j

22. Do you listen to anything while you write? Almost everything I write has a special playlist I listen to to help me write it, but otherwise I listen to my Nyan playlist, an alter is picking the tunes, or a voidfam playlist. I never have music off. When my internet is down I just listen to the songs I own or Anxiety’s theme on loop.

23. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas? I’m fine with all of them. I love working with prompts but I tend to deviate. And I’ve never done a challenge since I can’t do deadlines and bad things happen bingo never sent me a card and I applied three times.

24. One-shots or multi-chaptered works? I am generally multi-chaptered stuff, but I’ve been working on a few one-shots lately that are much longer than most one shots.

25. Have you ever daydreamed about side adventures/spin-offs from your fic? Tell us about them! I was originally thinking of doing some little 13-year-old Dreaming!Roman (y’know, the one with a job) shorts but it turns out I just had an alter of that little bastard and that’s why I inexplicably know more about him then I ever even considered. I still might do them after Dreaming is done. But that’s paced so slowly who knows when that might happen. Otherwise I put stuff in my notes and just do shorts of it if I’m like “oh you know what’s cool???” but since I can’t daydream maybe this question doesn’t apply to me.

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try? I want to do more autism stuff, and I’ve had it demanded a few times, but I’m scared of being that explict about it for some reason. Possibly because I might be, possibly because I’m scared of doing it wrong even though I’ve accidentally coded multiple characters autistic. I’m scared of explictly tagging them as such, too. 

27. What’s the nicest comment you’ve ever received? That I can remember off the top of my head? I’m going with one from @a-genz-with-trauma-and-kins. It really helped me out and was just so kind and literally the best christmas gift I got in 2020. 

28. How well do you handle criticism when it comes to your writing? I can handle it alright but Daeram is a little fucking pissbaby about it. Constructive criticism helps people get better, so I appreciate it. I can’t handle critism that is incomplete, though. “i just don’t get it” or “I don’t know I don’t like it” kind of things. If I can’t understand the why to fix it then things get out of control. And then I spiral and RSD for like four days minimum. If it came from an anon or a troll, too, It might not bother me for as long. Things that are just like “this is shit and you should feel bad” just make me laugh. Couldn’t even bother to read it long enough to insult me proper? I don’t care.

29. Have you ever gone outside of your comfort zone for a fic? How did it turn out? I have a few times. Mostly in shorts and prompts, I think. I think they turned out okay. They’re not particularly inspired or anything.

30. Tooth-rotting fluff or merciless angst? Depends on my mood. Am I triggered? give me the fluff. Am I vibin? Angst. 

31. Do you have any OCs? Tell us about them! Fuck, fam, no, I can’t, I have so many. I have multiple original stories and some of them have very large casts and like holy fuck. Or do you mean in Sanders Sides fandom? Um, Morgan and Thorn in PD. The lesbian and her himbo dynamic. I love them. They’re dorks. Morgan is strong person with sharp tongue and soft romantic heart and Thorn is just so kind and so dumb and so exciteable he’s like a puppy. They were just filler characters and I got attached to them. Felton even gets redemption for being an ass later in PD, like oof i never intended to include so much OC content, especially for names I just picked randomly. 

32. Summarize a random fic of yours in 10 words or less. nope I’m doing all of them because these are fun plea for my new self: 2 gay vampires, 4 humans, 1 braincell dreaming while I wake: trauma child needs therapy and so do you break: big oof, oh dragons, oh why, go virgil go rebuild: virgil is so not okay there’s more virgil to deal painful death: gay teens drink themselves into a new religion stargazing: whoops we didn’t realize people actually cared whole castle: everyone will throw down for kid!patton, even you incorrigible: found family with a shot of psychological horror and crack dangerous instincts: wholesome crime syndacite action  slopes: addict gets mugged and thinks that’s just fine with him conflagration: logan avoids everything ever like a champ cat!remus: bored fae shifts gay pining from one person to another  caffeine cyptids: caffinated gay panic goes faster than regular gay panic eglantine & lycoris: more tropes than you can toss a shoe at storytime: overpowered virgil also overreacts literally always

33. Is there anything you wish your audience knew about your writing or writing process? an alter and I write together and I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen, what I’m writing about, or even what year it is. I often don’t even remember what I wrote. There’s no outline. I have an idea and I pick things at random for it. There’s just notes and an evil gleam in a demon’s eye. The only reason I know more than readers is because I take a long time to edit and some of these stories have fucking alters up in my head who can tell me things. Daeram tells me nothing. The writing demon supposedly has all this knowledge but I have absolutely no clue because he does not talk to me, he just fronts and slams out 9k in a few hours or we cofront to write and I’m like “oh no she didn’t” while typing 

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of. i’m fond of the entire painful death series and I tried to find something I really liked without spoilers in stargazing and I couldn’t so here’s a random thing from incorrigble: “So, what do you do with your friends?” Patton continued on with a megawatt smile. “Grand larceny,” Virgil deadpanned and glared at Patton, who was taken aback. Remy and Andy just broke out laughing while Virgil tentatively sipped his still-too-hot-cocoa. 

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!  slopes my dudes slopes i have learned so much about cocaine! like wow! I thought for a minute it was going to end with MCD around 30k but it swtiched from whump to hurt/comfort and I still don’t know if it’s going to be MCD but look at that funky little coke/alcohol addict go, it’s a medical wonder he’s alive! It’s not like there’s what seems to be a little talked about interaction between alcohol and cocaine that causes a toxic chemical to build up in the liver which can result in liver failure and sudden death at basically any moment! Which is part of why it may result in MCD but this time no ghosts! maybe it’ll be h/c with whump elements or maybe it’ll be whump with h/c elements we can’t know for sure

[marvinswriting]

dream

ITS HERE!!!! TINY DAMIAN IS HEREEEEEEEEE!!!!! GIANT JANIS IS HEREEEEEE (but also bear writes fucking bomb ass giant janis fics go check hers out)

Prompt: Damian has a (longish?) dream where the roles are reversed and gets a new appreciation for Janis I literally love this prompt thank you smallsoysauce ily drink water

Damian doesn't remember falling asleep but its the only reasonable explanation for this. What was he doing before he fell asleep? 

Maybe watching a movie with the group?

Whatever it was, he defiantly passed out.

This had to be a dream.

How else could he be standing on the tiny pick up zone in Northshore then? Not at the zone. On the zone. The same platform where he typically saw Janis was the platform he now stood on.

There was simply no logical explanation other than a dream.

Right?

It felt fucking real.

The hallways were huge. While they were typically wider and longer then other schools Damian had been in, they were enormous all around. The tiny 'hallway' Damian stressed about Janis using everyday looked all the more daunting at this size. Damian peered over the edge and immediately took a couple of steps backward. 

Holy fuck. That's high.

Janis sat up higher on his shoulder, how did she do it?

He leaned against the wall, glancing down the tiny hallway. He's seen it before. Janis gave him a tour on facetime once. It's sketchy all right. It almost made him want to stay on the platform.

What time was it even? It was day, Damian could tell from the window at the end of the hall. Is it after school?

Do classes even work in dreams?

As if to answer his questions, the bell rang, screeching louder then Damian recalled it being and-

Oh fuck oh fuck. 

Nope.

Nope.

Damian preferred the empty hallways. No way- nu uh.

He pressed himself against the wall as other tinies passed by, getting picked up like seemingly normal for them. 

What the fuck-

Damian stepped away from the wall slightly, glancing around at his giant fucking classmates as they walked past. 

"Hey, dude. You ready?" A familiar voice said from above him.

Holy fuck.

Janis, who normally could fit in his hand, now stood at the hight Damian should be at.

"What-" He exhaled.

"You okay? You look like you saw a ghost?" This new giant Janis clearly was unaffected by the size swap. 

Did Damian somehow fall into an opposite dimension? Was there a normally tiny Damian now giant and dealing with a tiny Janis? He better not drop her or anything.

"I'm-" It's just Janis. Why are you so freaked out? 

MAYBE BECAUSE I'M FOUR INCHES TALL.

"Fine. I'm fine."

Despite the rollercoaster, his mind was going on, Damian gave a thumbs up and stepped closer to Janis.

Half of him wanted to book it to the tiny hallway and hide but the other half knew that Janis wouldn't hurt him.

But now the reckless fucking tiny is a gia-

No.

Janis wouldn't hurt him. 

He felt guilty for even letting his mind wander to that.

Janis looked down at him with a look Damian couldn't quite read. "I don't believe that you're okay." She said. "But we have class to go to so I'll push later."

She lowered her hand to the tiny platform, and action Damian had done so many times before, but he couldn't help but step backward as a giant hand was placed next to him.

Holy fuck.

Is this how Janis felt every day?

Damian, despite himself, hoisted himself onto Janis's hand as she had done to him so many times before.

It felt weird, being at the other end of things.

When he held Janis, he could feel her weight, every change in position, every sudden movement. But now? 

Janis's hand was warm. 

It wasn't a bad thing, just- different. The heat radiating off her hand was nice. It felt like when he held Janis cupped in his hands, but this time the heat surrounded him.

Janis had always just run hot despite her shivering under layers of jackets.

Then, Janis moved her hand and- holy fuck. 

That felt new.

Like when a car hits the gas as soon as the light turns green and you kinda slam back into the headrest because your body didn't move as fast. 

Janis raiser her hand up to her shoulder and it took Damian a second before- oh.

Shoulder.

He hesitantly stepped off Janis's hand and onto her jacket. He got close to her neck so he could hold onto the jacket collar. 

Janis thinks Damian has done this before- maybe he should tell her "hey something wrong this is new please be careful when you walk", but before he could vocalize anything along those lines, Janis was off.

It- it wasn't actually that bad.

Janis walked briskly, but without a bounce. She weaved through crowds without bumping shoulders, something Damian always struggled with. 

"Janis! Damian!" A voice called out behind them. 

Janis spun on her heels with a speed Damian didn't expect and he gripped her jacket collar tighter. 

There stood a giant Regina and a tin- wait. Giant Regina? She had a tiny Gretchen on her shoulder. Were everyone's sizes just flipped in this dream, alternate reality, fucked up scenario?

As if to answer his question, Gretchen spoke.

"Aaron took Cady and Karen to their class. Walk with us?" 

"Of course." Janis laughed, waiting for Regina to catch up. 

Damian sat on Janis's left shoulder and Gretchen was on Regina's right so they were able to sit close to beachgoer and talk as the two giants-who-should-be-tinies-but-they're-not walked. 

Damian tried not to look at the ground. 

He was no one to be afraid of heights but he was starting to see how Janis got hallway anxiety. 

"So, Damian." Gretchen turned to him, beaming. "How has your day been?"

Damian shrugged. Since his 'day' has consisted of ten minutes of fear and confusion, he can't give a proper answer. "Its been pretty par." He lied. "You?"

Damian never held small talk with Gretchen. This new alternate universe was weird. Wait-

Was he, Gretchen, Cady, and Karen some odd alternate TSS? Is that why they were friends?

Gretchen went on about how annoying English class was and about a girl she found cute and- holy shit.

They were a Walmart TSS.

This realization was short-lived in glory as Shane Omen approached Janis and Regina.

Guess not everyone switched heights.

Damian could feel Janis stiffen underneath him. That was weird. Damian didn't know Janis could feel him get tense and relax. No wonder she was so quick to pick up when he got stressed.

"Hello, Regina." Shane smiled. "Dyke." He shot to Janis, smile gone. 

"I'm not here to pick a fight, Shane. Not right now, I have a class to go to." Janis said. Her voice was low and it made Damian want to leave her alone. 

Shane obviously didn't feel the same.

His eyes landed on Damian and Shane grinned.

Damian did not like that.

No matter what, Damian could never say he knew how Janis felt as a tiny. But after being literally looked up and down like a toy by Shane Omen- Damian didn't want to be able to know how it felt.

"Shane." Janis's voice was dangerously low. A tone Damian didn't even recognize. "You try anyhing and I'll-"

Janis didn't get to finish her threat as Shane shoved past her and Regina. Damian yelped as the shoulder underneath him jerked.

He could see Gretchen in the same situation out of the corner of his eye as he free-fell backward.

Flashbacks to the time Janis fell off his shoulder ran through his mind.

She had gotten so hurt.

Before Damian could brace for impact a hand scooped underneath him. 

Janis didn't even bother to make sure he was okay before gently dumping him onto Regina's hand next to a similarly disoriented Gretchen and storming down the hall.

"Shane Omen!"

"Where-" Damian shook his head as what just happened caught up to him.

He had fallen.

But Janis caught him.

He didn't fucking die.

And now Janis is gone.

"Where's she going?"

Regina shrugged. "Probably to break Shane's nose again."

Again?

Gretchen grinned. "Oh my god remember the video that went around from last week? I don't think I've ever seen Janis as pissed as when she found out Shane fucked with Cady."

Well yeah, who wouldn't be pissed.

Regina laughed, apparently thinking about this video. "It was so funny because Shane couldn't fight back. God forbid he hit a girl. He just had to take it."

"Probably the most satisfying video I've seen in a while." Gretchen agreed.

There were cheers from down the hall and Gretchen sighed. "We're gonna be late to class."

Regina shook her head. "I'm gonna have to call my dad and get him to pull strings again. Janis is definitely gonna get herself expelled one of these days. What would she do if my parents weren't major donors to school?"

This is a normal occurrence?

Damian knew Janis threatened to beat a lot of people up, but at her size (or, her old size) it wasn't very intimidating. Guess giant Janis follows through.

"I don't understand how its always Janis getting in trouble. Shane's done worse than broken a nose. Remember what he did to Karen last year?" Gretchen asked.

Oh god, what did he do to Karen last year?

Regina made a face. "Don't remind me. I think a broken nose wasn't enough punishment. I would have killed him. At least Janis has control."

Gretchen shook her head. "Dropping poor Karen five feet in the air. It's a miracle she survived."

Oh, what the fuck?

The bell rang and Regina shook her head. "I never liked study hall anyway. Let's go find Janis."

The second Regina started walking Damian learned very quickly that not everyone walks the same way. Regina swayed more, she walked purpose rather than speed. 

It felt so weird to be able to pick up on these things and notice. 

Regina didn't have to walk far before Janis emerged from the crowd, a red mark on her cheek. Regina gasped. "He hit back?"

Janis shrugged. "I can take a slap. You should see him. Fucking ass hole I was gonna kill him I swear." 

Her eyes lower to Damian and the anger in her features disappeared. "Hey," She said softly, stepping forward and gently scooping him out of Regina's hands. "You okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Damian asked, despite the adrenaline rush triggering his fight or flight.

"Because you've been acting off today. I was already worried about you before, I did not need you free falling to solidify it."

God, it sounds like Damian is just talking to tiny Janis.

Damian grinned. "I'm okay. Really." 

Janis nodded. "How about we don't sit on my shoulder for a while. Fuck Shane Omen, we can't trust him. It's nap time."

Damian only realizes what's happening a split second before it does as Janis lift shim to her jacket pocket. 

Damian slips in effortlessly. He's had Janis in his pocket so many times. This was all new.

He popped his head out and watched Janis pin something to the other side of her jacket. Upon closer inspection, Damian realized Janis has her own white pin. This one had a small heart painted on it. 

Damian's heart melted as he sunk back into the pocket. That's so cute.

He'd never been in a pocket before. Sure, he wondered what it felt like, but this was nothing like he expected. He could tell why Janis liked it so much. 

Despite what you may think, it's roomy. The fabric pushes down on him but not in an uncomfortable way. Like a swaddled baby. Janis's heart beat is astonishingly loud, but comforting. 

Between the adrenaline crash, the steady beating of his best friend's heart, and the sway of the jacket as she walked, Damian found it hard to stay awake. 

He didn't fight it. This was a weird dream that felt creepily real, but Damian was ready to be full-sized again. He doesn't know how Janis does it. Ten minutes and he's out like a light.

-

"Damian if you don't wake up right now I'm letting Regina push me off the coffee table again." A voice called out.

"I'm more then willing to do so! There are no pillows to break her fall though."

Damian groaned opening his eyes to see a tiny Janis standing on his chest, arms crossed.

"You sleep too long."

Damian blinked, trying to figure out what's going on. 

Tiny Regina and Aaron at on the coffee table. Giant Cady was messing with the remote and the TV, giant Karen and Gretchen were taking selfies.

So it was a weird dream.

"Damian?" Janis sounds a little concerned." You okay?"

Damian grinned, scooping her up as he sat up. "You're so small!"

"Gee, thanks."

"No! I love it!" 

"Janis, I don't think he's okay." Regina said.

"Helpful." Janis rolled her eyes. "Are you sober or not?"

Damian grinned. "Sober as fuck."

"Doesn't seem like it."

"I just missed you like this." Damian said.

"Like what? You just fell asleep. I've been here this whole time."

BONUS: "Damian wake up, the school day is over." Damian popped his head out of Janis's jacket. "Jan, I just had the weirdest fucking dream." "Shoot." The girl above him said as she made her way to her car. "I was big, and you were small. And Regina and Aaron were tiny too. Everyone who's tiny was giant and we all just watched movies and stuff." "Well, I take it since your imagination is back you feel better?" "What?" "You were acting really odd earlier. I was worried." "Oh," Damian thought for a second. "I don't remember that." Odd.

@realmisspolarbear @musicallygt @sourishlemons @smallsoysauce

[acnara]

okay, so I was on ao3 and I think I stumbled on your account on there. Could you tell me about the valour!harry au pretty please? I absolutely LOVED it!

OKAy so im gonna tag @darling-potter bc u know i saw that comment on ao3 (❤) and i thought hey lets combine this and give like. A big chunck of plot away lmao so anyway

• This whole Valour AU thing started when Cursed child came out (me, stating the obvious) because @trippingonflatsurfaces and i just couldn’t wrap our heads around WHY valor. Like, its such a explicitly Gryffindor trait?? It could not be to make the public think of the dark lord a a hero i mean, they were torturing Muggleborns in the freaking castle and had dementors wandering around i dont think JK’s Voldemort was all about that politics life ya know. So why?? Was it like, a mockery of his 2 enemies, both Gryffindors?? But then why not courage (100% identificable no fake gryff trate) or boldness (sounds more of a mockery than valour) was it because it started with V too and Voldemort 36 times champion of acronym competition liked the sick aesthetic???

• well you get the idea we where half making fun of the idea half actually trying to understand why Voldemort would allow people to say his name and why pair it with Valour of all things like one would think he would go for something more like himself

• and then, like the true shipping trash i am, the unverse forces that rule the harrymort ship descended on me and gave me The Idea

• why would Voldemort, who has spend YEARS making sure his name was feared as a way to impose fear and respect suddenly let other people just say it like it meant nothing. Like, not even Lord Voldemort Day or anything, and as Chelle put it, why not my lord or the Dark Lord WHEN IN THE BOOKS HE IS REFERRED AS SUCH 987661% OF THE TIME?

• well maybe

•MAYBE

• he is not the only dark lord.

• maybe ppl cant just say “my lord” or “the dark lord” or “you know who” anymore and actually know WHO they are talking about

• and if there was another dark lord and people went around saying “for Voldemort and Valour"  and not something like "for Voldemort and THE Valour”

•hey maybe there was something there

• maybe they needed no “the” bc Valour was not a trait, but a person

• Valour. Such a gryff name beautiful

• and which gryff bitch do all of us shippers love but would also have chances at surviving Voldemort’s rein??

• well no other than fan fave Harry *well shit u my horcrux???? U cant die now* Potter.

• and guess who is supposedly death since the Battle of Hogwarts, when he realized he was a horcrux?? Well harry potter

• so the thing was: what if harry is still alive? And what if he was the other half of the saying, lord Valour???

• at this point chelle and i were fangirling already bc it fit so well with the narrative of curse child??? As in it made no fucking sense but it /could/ if you believed enough. And boi did we (do we) believe

• anyway we made the back story, as in, everything that happened before the lord Valour persona was like “created”. I’ll sare with you both common and personal headcanons bc i like talking and i cant shut up apparently

• so. Cedric diggory kills Neville. That’s cursed child explanation to why Voldemort won. And then, Harry finds out he is a horcrux. He goes to the forest and ya know his friend neville died, murdered buy this guy who used to be nice and friendly till harry beat him in the tournament. And y'all know harry, who would he be if he didn’t think every single murder in this series is his fault in some way??? So maybe he goes to the forest feeling less numb and conceal dont feel dont let him know and more of a mess.

• and in true every harrymort fic ever written Voldemort finds out harry his horcrux that night via mind reading or something

• next thing you know harry is a dungeon been tortured bc keep him alive is not the same as keep him unharmed while everyone in the world knows it. No dead HP folks, just he being tortured to insanity.

•and you know somewhere in between the torture and the taking over the world and the harry trying to remain as sane as he can chelle’s fave trop comes to play: good old lima/Stockholm syndromes

• Bc you cant spell canon based harrymort without a lil bit of these two.

• so bam there u go they want/love each other  (i tried to kinda hint this in the fic but I’m not sure if i succeeded?? Voldemort’s whole i did not like him but boi do i like him no w)

•and anyway yes that is the background for the fic. Eventually they reach a point were Voldemort wants ppl to respect harry (he is mine anything mine fucking perfect blah blah we have all read this paring before) and lord Valour happens, bc harry is pretty badass on his own

•Wait did u forget about harry being tortured till insanity well u shouldnt have thats ehat is gonna give us a plot for everything after my lil fic lol

• so Scorpius. As a lil background in what imagined he would be in the cc world he would be an asshole. He also flirts with Valour/harry bc he doesnt know better. Hint at why Voldemort doesnt like him

its a type of harry vs bella but low key bc its just irritating that the little shit would really think he has A Chance. Verry. Irritating. Harry plays the Scopius has a crush card often he finds it hilarious

• anyway this new scorpius acts weird time travel etc. Harry investigates and he opens a portal between the two worlds following scorpius. And badumm tss harry finds out the other harry

•this harrys life is boring. Married to ginny go figure. Auror. No parseltongue. Boring, lord Valours life is way more interesting tbh

•some plot was gonna happen amd then woah wait this harry has something he does not. This harry has kids.

• so u see where a lil insane harry is going right

• ITS CHILD KIDDNAPING TIME THEY ARE ALM MINE NOW SUCK IT BELLA U HAVE DELPHI??? I HAVE 3 KIDS BITCH.

• Voldemort would ended up finding out of course. He is not very into the kids, but shit what??? Harry married the read head???? Does he have to kill her in every fucking dimension to keep her away from what is his???? Yeah harry you can keep your new pets of you like i guess

• Just yeah. Very plotty okay this are like random details and scenes bc harry and ginny would want to save the kids and dimension bs everywhere but yeah the idea was a bit of a war between the two worlds and everything kind of Dead Man’s Tale just not at all lmao

• anyway we wanted to do lots of things and you are totally welcome to join i love this au

[sunshine-captain]

do you have any good star trek novel recommendations? (tos please!!)

Yes! I do! I’ve been meaning to make a post about this for…so long, whoops, but I’ll answer this ask instead! (might still make the post someday, idk tbh. I probably should though because since I have so many Trek books I haven’t read yet, I might like more enough to rec them, haha.) Okay, anyway… (By TOS I assume you mean the original Enterprise crew, I hope it’s okay that not all of these actually take place during TOS, aka the five year mission.)

Sarek by A. C. Crispin You might have seen me mention this one the other day on my blog; I really love it. It takes place post TUC, Amanda is dying and Sarek is uncovering a plot that’s way bigger than anyone realizes at first… Also there’s some stuff about Jim’s nephew Peter (from the episode with the farting flying pancake aliens? lol.) and yeah, it’s a great read. All the parts with Sarek and Amanda are lovely and sad and the plot is interesting and it’s just all around enjoyable.Definitely recommend.

Collision Course by William Shatner This is the other one I mentioned on my blog already, and this one is probably my favorite Trek novel. Spock is nineteen and Jim is seventeen when they first meet, and they’re both too smart for their own good and get into trouble and…well, all the things you expect from Jim and Spock. It was originally supposed to be the first in a series, but for various reasons, there probably won’t be any more (CRIES) but this one is so good. And it doesn’t end on a cliffhanger so it’s okay. I especially enjoyed tbh how Bill appreciates what an effect Tarsus would have had on Jim (this is only three years later, after all) and it’s still very visible on lil’ Jim. Not a spoiler, bc a reference is made to Tarsus on…literally the very first page. Lol. Anyway, this one is really fun and sometimes sad (bc Tarsus) and just really great! Also, at least one of the plot twists genuinely surprised me, which is rare… I normally see them coming a mile off in Trek novels. ;) (Which doesn’t usually take away from my enjoyment, tbh!) But I really appreciate when they can surprise me.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (novelization) by Gene Roddenberry You knew this was coming. This is an absolute must read if you’re a Spirk fan, tbh. I’m not all the way through with it so far, about halfway done, but I can tell you it’s a much better way of telling the story of TMP than TMP. Lol. The movie has this simple feeling and Jim rushing to Spock on the bridge and saying his name like a prayer and other things, but it also has all those dreadful special effect sequences. And the novel has its own gay to offer. I don’t necessarily agree with the way Gene wrote Jim (in fact, it’s been forever since I picked it up but I distinctly remember being bothered by it), but…yeah, at least borrow a copy from someone and witness the gay parts for yourself, haha.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (novelization) by Vonda McIntyre I’m going to go ahead and say right now that if you’re going to read the novelizations, go for the ones by Ms. (Mrs? idk) McIntyre. She wrote 2, 3, and 4. I haven’t read 3 yet, but I have read 2 and 4 and I like that she actually adds in scenes and stuff that weren’t in the movies. It makes me feel like I’m actually getting something additional for my time even though I’m reading a novelization of a movie I’ve already seen. I like this one, because there was quite a bit that wasn’t in the movie (I have a hunch the extra scenes, at least some of them, might be based on the script? because the scene with Sulu’s great….something or other grandfather as a child meeting Sulu is in the book, and I know they tried to put that in the movie but never managed to. anyway.) But yeah, there’s actual stuff in there that’s not in the movie! that’s the way it should be. Also…she ships Saavik/David pretty clearly. :P Like I said, haven’t read TSS novel yet, but I know she was working it into 2, and it’s mentioned in 4 as a thing. Anyway…good stuff! This is the one where the whole “Vulcans get drunk on chocolate” thing comes from btw :))) (Avoid the novelizations by JM Dillard! Avoid!!! I’ve read them and they’re not good.) (Oh and pretty much everything I’ve read by Vonda McIntyre I’ve enjoyed, she’s a good Trek writer.)

Dwellers In The Crucible by Margaret Wander Bonnano Margaret Bonnano is another writer I just generally recommend bc I like all the stuff by her that I’ve read, too. Anyway… okay so let me say that this book’s main characters are not Jim and Spock. I know, I know. But wait!! It’s so worth a read!! Jim and Spock are in it, not much, but when they are they’re literally so married and explicitly confirmed to be t’hy’la… :)) it’s great. okay anyway. The main characters are a human named Cleante and a Vulcan named T’Shael. They are ladies. THEY ARE GAY AF. OKAY. THAT ALONE MAKES IT WORTH A READ. it’s so glorious.I mean the book only says they’re friends but…in the same way Jim and Spock are friends in canon. they’re super freaking gay. and also there are like a thousand incredibly obvious parallels between our human and vulcan lady and Jim and Spock. it’s fun. also Sulu goes undercover as a Romulan. :D yeah, just…read it. it’s great. (it made me angry at one point. I’m still angry. but I recommend it.)

Ishmael by Barbara Hambly This one was, for me at least, just a genuinely good read. I really enjoyed the plot. So…Spock goes back in time to 1867, not willingly I don’t think. And he gets amnesia. So right there are two tropes I ADORE (time travel and amnesia, I don’t care, I LOVE THEM.) He lands in North America, in Seattle if I remember correctly. And that’s the plot pretty much. Haha…okay, there’s a Klingon plot, the Enterprise crew searching for Spock, Spock trying to adapt and hide he’s an alien while bonding with the members of the community he lands in. Also Jim and Spock’s reunion is a bit gay. (Warning for spoilers if you click that? it’s pictures of when they find him near the end, so. Yeah.) I just really enjoyed the book in itself, the plot and everything. Fun!

Enterprise: The First Adventure by Vonda McIntyre In light of the tv series called Enterprise, the title of this one might be a little confusing… But it’s most definitely TOS and has nothing to do with Enterprise, haha. The premise is that it’s the first voyage of the Enterprise with Jim as the captain. And the mission is…to transport a theater troupe. It’s ridiculous and so silly, I know, but it’s really fun. There’s a winged horse, a really un-Vulcan Vulcan (I think he’s Spock’s cousin? I don’t really remember tbh), Spock heckling the theater troop, Uhura being a good friend to Janice…that’s all I remember off the top of my head, but I remember really enjoying it when I read it! 

Unspoken Truth by Margaret Wander Bonanno Remember what I said about those two writers? Lol. Okay so this is a Saavik-centric book. I really love Saavik, okay? So, as you might know, Saavik is half Vulcan, half Romulan. Well in this book (actually, in a bunch of books, by at least three different writers, it seems to be her accepted backstory in the novels) she was the result of a terrible experiment by Romulans, and when it didn’t work out, she and a bunch of other children were abandoned on a planet called Hellguard, and…some really horrible things happen. Anyway, Spock saves her, mentors her, and Amanda and Sarek basically adopt her (literally, she calls them mother and father, IT’S MY FAVE), well anyway, years later, either after or during TVH, she learns things are happening to the survivors of Hellguard…and the story goes from there. This was really good! Intense tbh. I loved it, but then, I love Saavik. If you don’t like her… But if you do, you’ll enjoy this one!!!!

Doctor’s Orders by Diane Duane Diane Duane is another must read author. All her books are excellent. In all honestly, I don’t remember too much about the plot of this one, but I know I liked it! Dr. McCoy is like “you can’t make me take command on the bridge” and Jim is like “uh actually I CAN” so he does and of course on McCoy’s very first day watching over the bridge Jim goes AWOL and shit starts going down. Poor Bones. Also, there’s some crazy aliens in this one, but they’re interesting!

The Vulcan Academy Murders by Jean Lorrah This one has such misleading cover art, lmaooo. At least, the version I have. There might be others… Anyway. Patients at a hospital on Vulcan keep dying and stuff, and then Amanda is in trouble. Lots of Sarek and Spock and Jim and Bones interaction. It’s a good one. (It’s been soo long since I read this one, too, sorry. But again, I know I enjoyed it!)

Uhura’s Song by Janet Hagan I love the alien species in this one. They’re like giant cats, and I love cats. When I read it, I got really into the planet and the species and their culture. The plot is that an old friend of Uhura’s is from this planet, and they “exchanged songs”…songs are a big deal in their culture. Anyway, there’s a plague threatening everyone on the planet and humans, too, and they think a song might hold the key to curing the disease, so they all go down on the planet to try and find it.

Strangers From The Sky by Margaret Wander Bonanno The plot to this one is…kind of hard to describe. Okay. So the parts with Jim and Spock go back and forth in time, part of the time being like, post-all the movies (I think) where they’re old friends (and really married, they’re just like. Margaret Bonanno has this way of inserting this really easy, casual intimacy they have with each other, and calling it friendship when OBVIOUSLY they’re married af, but either way I love it) and part of the time being very early on when Jim hasn’t been in command for long and he and Spock didn’t care much for each other (I mean personally I think they liked each other quite well from the start, but I’ll let it go, lol)… And then there’s a book. In the book. That everyone is reading and obsessed with and Jim starts reading it… It sounds weird, I know, but the book in the book is the story of the first time Vulcans came in contact with humans, long before the OFFICIAL first contact, it was when Vulcans crash landed on Earth and were discovered by some humans… I fucking love Vulcans, so that is obviously a great point of interest for me. Lol. Anyway when Jim reads the book he has nightmares, but then he discovers Spock has those nightmares, too, and it’s more than ‘just’ a book. Probably sounds bizarre but I really enjoyed it. ….and doesn’t every Trek plot EVER sound bizarre af when you try to describe it?

That’s all I’ve got right now!! This got so long I’M SO SORRY TBH BUT I HAD TO BE THOROUGH.

[specsnsarcasm]

I Tried... the DivaCup!

I finally broke down and got a DivaCup! I’ve been wanting to get one for years (so that I can start womaning in the zombie apocalypse)!

(WARNING: This post discusses anatomy and physiology, namely menstrual periods. If this makes you squeamish, then go and have a cookie while the grown folks are talking. Language, at times, nsfw].  

Menstruating Michonne is sick of the Governor’s shit.

A DivaCup is a pretty big investment for something that you can’t try out beforehand, and that you’re not even sure you’ll be able to use! At $40 CAD, they’re usually freakin' expensive, but they were on sale at my local drugstore for $32 (so only just kind of freakin' expensive. lol). In the past, I wasn’t ready to commit to a DivaCup, so I tried the much cheaper “Softcups” ($5 for a pack of 5) to get a feel for the ease of use and comfort of a menstrual cup. The two are slightly different animals (more on that later). I should mention that I’m typically a pad girl. I’ve used tampons before, but I don’t find them comfortable. And with a heavy flow, I like the security and relative no fuss of pads.

Before I purchased the Diva, I read some testimonies. Many said it was difficult to get the hang of; however, I figured with my Softcup experience it wouldn’t be that bad, so I set to task.

The principle behind a Softcup and the DivaCup is the same: you fold it, insert it, it catches your menstrual fluid inside the body, and you empty it later. However, where they do this differs slightly. The opening of the DivaCup is much smaller than that of the Softcup because the DivaCup is meant to suction around the cervix (where menstrual fluid leaks from), whereas the Softcup is just meant to sit further down (in the vagina) and catch the fluid there. It’s like catching water from a dipping tap right at the tap itself vs in the sink. Also, Softcups are disposable, whereas DivaCup is reusable.

The DivaCup is made of soft silicone that is roughly the consistency of the hardest part of your ear cartilage. It's more structured than the Softcup, which is essentially just a plastic baggie attached to a Livestrong bracelet. lol. Because the Softcup is more flexible, I found it easier to insert. You kind of have to hook your fingers on the underside of the baggie (”cup”) and pull the lip of the ring forward so that it catches and rests inside, at the edge of your pubic bone. If it’s tilted or not level, including when you sit/lie down/move, it’s more prone to leaks, but since it is a cheaper product, I figured it was a bit of a compromise anyway.  

There is no “hooking” and “catching” with the DivaCup. You fold it, insert, push it back, let go, and the suction holds it in place. You can squeeze it again to re-position/re-suction it, until it’s sealed around your cervix. There are four small air holes under the rim of the cup to make sure the suction can be released (so you don’t have to worry about it getting stuck!).    

The first time I tried it (Day 1 of my period), I was elated that I seemed to “get it” on the first try! Don’t get me wrong - it wasn’t easy or instantly comfortable. I kept checking incessantly throughout the day, to see how full the cup was getting, and/or if I was leaking (I really had no idea about volume or rate of menstrual fluid I was producing because I was used to it all just disappearing into a pad). Each time I tried to reinsert, it seemed to get less and less comfortable, and into a worse position. The stem that you use to pull it out (picture a long stem of a funnel) kept rubbing uncomfortably against my opening. It wasn’t until later, when I read the instructions better, that I saw you could actually cut it shorter to reduce irritation (tip: DO THIS!!!).

One of the major selling points of the DivaCup is that you can wear it for up to 12 hours without the fear of toxic shock syndrome (TSS) that is often associated with long wear and super-absorbent tampons (Note: beware of abrasions during insertion/removal, however, as the staph bacteria that causes TSS can enter the bloodstream this way). It seemed easiest to re-position in the shower, and I wore it to bed that night. The next day when I woke up, I was looking forward to not having to do the morning mad-dash to the loo. (You know the one: dashing to the bathroom for fear of the mega tsunami that will occur as a result of suddenly standing up). There wasn’t the usual monsoon, but there was some leakage, which was somewhat disappointing (thank goodness for the back-up pad!). I initially thought that with the DivaCup, I’d only *maybe* need a pantyliner. NOPE! Especially not when you’re first figuring things out. As with the “Softies”, I was never really sure it was in the right place. Sometimes it *felt* like it was, but I’d leak! Other times, it felt uncomfortable and I was sure it wasn’t in the right place, but it was! It took me a few days to realize that additional manoeuvring and using a finger to feel 360* all the way around (to make sure it was sealed) was almost ALWAYS needed. Just hoping that it will “pop” into the right place (like the instructions say) won’t cut it, no matter how comfortable it feels. Sometimes it stays folded in a kidney-bean shape inside you, without unfolding (e.g. when its not in the right place, and is not around the cervix, but rather in front or behind it). But it NEEDS to open up all the way into “O” shape so that it can fit flush around/against the cervix, and the fluid doesn’t spill over the caved side.

PROS: 

F*cking Freedom!!! Today is Day 3 of my period (a heavy day). I sat through a 3 hour lecture, two 2 hour bus rides, lunch with a friend, and DID NOT LEAK for 9 hours!!! Eventually, I leaked after that. I should have emptied WELL before the 9 hours, but my guy friend was waiting for me outside the loo at the restaurant, and I didn’t want to take it out in a public restroom, and risk either dropping it the toilet OR not being able to put it back in correctly (time & ease of use are definite CONS for a beginner).      

No un-suctioning. With the Softcup, the opening of the ring had a tendency to shift when I sat down. Although I was worried that this would happen with the DivaCup, if it was properly positioned, it didn’t shift.   

No smell. Unlike pads, which can smell like the decaying carcass of some animal (sorry! lol), there is NO smell whatsoever! Seriously! I got all up in that business to check! (Hey! I’m doing this for you, people! lol).

Cleaner feel*. You feel cleaner both because of the lack of smell, and because you don’t have to feel wet fluids against your skin, like a diaper. *However, it is messier on your hands (see: below). 

Saving money. Reusing it will hopefully save me $$$, long term.

Environmentally friendly. I generally like to think of myself as an environmentally conscious person. I recycle, take public transport, reduce water consumption, etc. However, when it comes to my period, I’m NOT f^cking around!! lol. Before, I didn’t really think about how much waste my (plastic) pads were generating because periods were an unavoidable evil and they were a necessity, not a luxury. Besides, you mean to tell me that I’m required to bleed and feel generally shitty for almost a quarter of every damn month until I’m 50, and now you want me to wear some rough, natural hemp, Cherokee hair tampon (South Park reference) bullsh- that costs twice as much, and protects HALF as well??! F^ck you! Luckily, a menstrual cup is a positive solution to cutting waste without having to compromise on protection or comfort.

Fewer Cramps! I know. Before you call “bullsh*t”, hear me out. It seems highly unlikely that the method in which you catch your menstrual blood has anything to do with what’s going on in your uterus. But for some reason my cramps weren’t as bad with the cup! Especially in the first three days (usually the worst). They’re certainly not gone altogether, but there were fewer, and less severe. Maybe it has something to do with the suction against your cervix? Or maybe its the cup forcing the vagina to retain its shape? Not allowing your bowels to kick you from inside? idk. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. 

The Gross factor. This might be a “con” for some people, and maybe I’m just a gross weirdo,  but I find it so incredibly satisfying to see your cup fill up. I don’t know why! Maybe it’s because it has always been kind of a mystery to me before - always disappearing into pads or tampons, but it’s fascinating to see how much your body produces, and see the “blood” so neatly collected in its unadulterated state. When I take out a full cup, I feel like a Druid priestess ready to spill a chalice of blood into the dirt in some primeval ritual (See? I am a weirdo! lol). Joking aside, it did make me more familiar with my period, if that makes sense. It’s no longer disappearing, out of sight, out of mind. You’re forced to confront it.

Easy to clean. I rinsed it whenever I emptied it, if a sink or dedicated water bottle was available, washed it once a day (usually in the shower), with a little mild soap. There is a special DivaWash that you can buy, but I find there’s no need. At the end of my cycle, I got a small pot that I never used for anything else, boiled my cup to sanitize it, dried it, and stored it away until next month in the cute little pouch that came with it!      

CONS:

Time & Ease of use. As a beginner, it's pretty cumbersome to put in at first. On the first day, I spent so much time in the loo adjusting and re-adjusting that both my mother AND my cousin independently remarked how much time I was spending in the bathroom (which is pretty embarrassing). I mean - they’re women too, so they understand, but in general, when people wonder why you’re spending so much time in the bathroom, it’s a THING! haha.

The Confidence Factor. The DivaCup is a bit tricky to get the hang of at first, and until you do, you never feel entirely secure. Expect to use back-up pads. With pads, you can feel whether or not you’re catching fluid (or leaking), but here, you’re letting gravity work, and kind of just hoping (and praying) that the cup in the right place doing its job. To add, sometimes you might think you’re leaking because there’s blood when you wipe or in your underwear. But it could just be the left over blood that has dripped down into the vagina while the cup was removed. It’s NOT free-falling blood. (This frustrated me for a while and I kept reinserting, thinking I was doing something wrong until I figured this out). Two things will happen at first: 1) Either you’ll constantly check to reassure yourself that it’s working, OR 2) You’ll think you’re secure when you’re NOT and will find out the hard way that it’s not in the right place. 

(R’uh r’oh). 

Initial cost. I’m hoping that this will pay for itself in a few months; especially when I get the hang of it and no longer need to wear back-up pads. It’s an investment, and as such, it can be a bit painful (financially) on the front end. However, in the mean time I am currently using two menstrual products (though I don’t have to replace the pads as often). 

Discomfort #1. The first discomfort comes when you insert the Cup. Even when I roll it/squeeze it/fold it into the tiniest folded kidney-bean shape it can go, the Diva is painful. It’s kind of too big for my opening (I know! my *vagine* is a dainty, delicate little treasure that’s only big enough to fit secrets and unicorn smiles. Haha). So I kind of have to force it a little, which hurts. If I tilt it so that I ease it in at an angle, the cup doesn’t pop into the place, so I kind of have to choose between a good fit OR no initial pain (which is no f*cking choice at all!). Before you ask: yes, I’m relaxed when I insert; no, I’m not clenching. Wetting the rim of the cup with water before insertion helps, and you can always re-position it inside later. 

Discomfort #2. The second discomfort, I’ve mentioned, comes from the stem rubbing against the vaginal opening. This is a BIG discomfort! Ideally, the stem is not supposed to touch anything. This is true when you’re standing, and it’s flexible, so it bends when you sit. However, it’s quite long (to allow you to hold it for removal), and it’s ribbed for better grip. Fine. However, this causes it to rub against the lower vaginal opening (aka the fourchette, or frenulum of labia minora). It’s quite irritating & distracting (though less-so, the higher it sits). If you cut the stem, it’s much better, imo.

Discomfort #3. When the cup is TOO full (i.e. brimming), it kind of feels like an ache inside you, like a cramp. I suspect this is from the weight of the full cup pulling down on your cervix. It’s a minor difference your body picks up on. You’ll definitely become more aware of it the more used to it you get, then you'll probably want to hightail-it to the loo, because spillage is imminent! Just don’t let it get too full (if you can help it).

Mess. This is a BIG one too, and it goes hand in hand with the #1 CON on my list: “time/ease of use”. Emptying the cup is a bloody mess! (yes, pun intended. Haha). When I’m at home in my bathroom, or somewhere where there’s a personal sink or water bottle beside me, it’s less of a problem. However, in a public bathroom, it’s a bit of a balancing act. Removing the cup can be messy depending on how full it is when you release the suction, you have to empty the cup into the toilet without spilling, your hands WILL get messy. (No matter how skilled you are, a DivaCup will come for your manicure! There will be blood. Heads up. Wash your hands), you have to try not to drop the cup in the toilet, you have to clean yourself up, and wipe the cup down so that you can reinsert it. It’s less messy if you are able to rinse before re-insertion, otherwise you’re kind of coming at this bloody from both sides, to paint a not so delicate picture. 

Difficulty peeing. After working so hard to get my cup in the right position, I’m not too eager to go through the entire process all over again every time have to pee. Yes, you can pee with the cup in (nbd); however, I found that it takes longer to empty my bladder. My stream is weaker even if I really have to go! It might be because there’s a rigid object physically taking up real-estate where there wasn’t before, pressing against things and thus constricting the flow. But you can always take the cup out to pee too, if you prefer. It’s not a big deal, just worth noting. 

Anatomy. This is not really a CON for me, but I realize it might be for some people, especially those who haven’t really explored their bodies yet. I think everyone should know their bodies, at least from an anatomical perspective. Know the location and function of: your cervix, vagina, vulva, labia (majora and minora), clitoris, urethra, etc. There’s nothing shameful about knowing about your nose or eye! These are parts of your anatomy and physiology too! And a matter of your health! You’d be surprised how many people still don’t know their own equipment. No judgement. BUT if you are the product of a failed sex-ed system, or parents who were too embarrassed to teach you, try to take it upon yourself to get informed. Know what you’re talking about so that people who DON’T own your equipment can’t try to tell you what to do with it (another topic for another day)! I know that not everybody is comfortable with it. I wasn’t when I was younger! For the longest time, nothing went UP, which is why tampons weren’t my favourite! Anyway, with the DivaCup, you definitely have to become comfortable with putting a finger inside your vagina and feeling to make sure things are secure.

 Final Thoughts: 

I had high hopes for the DivaCup. Initially, I (rather naively) believed that it would put an end to ALL of my period woes in the same way that I erroneously thought that “going natural” would free me from bad hair for the rest of my life (HA!). I just traded one set of problems for another. Alas, there are no easy answers! There are pros and cons to everything. This is only my first period with the DivaCup, and as with everything, there’s a learning curve. I suspect it’ll get much easier with time.

I’m not trying to discourage people from using this product. And I’m sorry if I’m making it sound overly complicated. It isn’t, really! I’m just trying to be thorough, and report on my personal experience, so that I can help someone who is thinking of buying it, or who is having the same experiences as I am to know they’re not alone. I’ll just say that it is important to keep trying to find out what works for you. Don’t just use the same products that your mother got you for your first period because it’s familiar! Experiment! Find out if there’s something better! 

Good luck! <3

(Note: This is just my own personal experience. I have no medical expertise, no ties to the company, and did not receive any compensation for writing about these products. I know there are other menstrual cups out there that may work just as well, if not better! Do your research and find out what’s right for you!).

Month two with my Diva: Things are SO much easier! I got the hang of it right away again. I was worried I had forgotten all I had learned the previous month, but I found that I was actually excited for my period to come, just so I could practice (wtf, right?)! You can’t really practice when you’re not on your period because the shape of your uterus changes when your on vs. off your period (it hangs lower), so it’s not really the same shape or fit.  BUT so far:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TWO MONTH UPDATE:

No accidents.

No leaks. 

Yes, back-up pad... for now (what am I, nuts?!). 

I cut the ENTIRE stem off. Game. Changer. The instructions say an inch or whatever, but f^ck that!  

Tomorrow is day 3 of my period. I might even do just the cup + a liner! Check me out! I like to live dangerously.

If I can do this, you can too. You’ve got this! <3

[wakabahiguchi]

gpf recap aka. what gpf? there was no gpf, it was canceled

in which literally all my favorites are actually disasters and a reminder that the Olympic season of figure skating is literally the WORST

Is this actually a real GPF recap? or is this a place for me to vent about how demoralizing this event was? Olympic seasons are actually the worst, it’s like you get a glimmer of hope for your faves until it all gets taken away. I knew I was being sent a message when my DVR refused to record the televised GPF this weekend, and with good measure because I would’ve just deleted it anyways, just like how I’m deleting this entire event from my existence :)

Fair warning, this is basically an excuse for me to get extremely emo about my faves who all pretty much made mistakes or just flat out bombed their events. And a time for me to pointlessly complain about why the judges never get behind my faves. Oh, and lots of me stressing out about the Olympics. So, the usual.

First of all, I’m so glad we’ll be having a 1+ month break before anymore international competitions. Nats will happen of course, but the GPF has been too much in terms of stress. All my faves are tired and didn’t perform well at all. Literally all my faves. Every single one of them. I honestly need a break from this sport, thanks skating schedule. 

Ladies

So I basically wrote a soliloquy on how much I love Satoko’s skating and how much her haterz annoy me so here it is:

I'm getting tired of all the negativity that comes in every thread of a competition that Satoko competes in. That's one part I didn't miss about Satoko's hiatus. I'm not so knowledgeable or invested in the rhetoric of jumping techniques or ISU rulings, etc. so I don't have much to say about the heated debate going on about pre-rotations or URs. What I do know, however, is that Satoko has addressed her jumps countless times in interviews and to me, has visibly worked hard on improving it over the years. We've all read the practice reports; everyone knows that she drills those jumps over and over again and doesn't settle for any less. Even so much so that she's injured herself. The accusations that Satoko is purposefully cheating the judging system is perplexing to me, and the argument that she is being overscored doesn't make that much sense to me either. In fact, Satoko's had to work the hardest in order for her PCS and scores to gradually inflate like other skater's scores seem to naturally do. I don't understand why she is getting so much hate; sure, there can be critiques towards the judging system as to the coherency and enforcement of their rules, but for now, judging is how it is. Satoko's job isn't to judge and make calls on her own jumps. Her job, and the only thing she has control over, is her own performance. And to me, she's one of the most elegant and nuanced skaters in that regard. I think it's pointless to blame the skater and to go as far as accuse her of being lazy and knowingly cheating the system when all evidence points otherwise. I've anticipated Satoko's comeback for months and have been so impressed with how she's shown up these past two competitions. While I am also a fan of younger, more powerful skaters, I realized while watching her over the years that it's the skaters that tell a story and really interpret the music that move me the most. It's disheartening as a fan to see all this vitriol thrown at her, but it's also easy for me to just ignore the noise and watch her skate   I'm so excited for the Ladies FS and I hope Satoko continues her streak of good performances at the Grand Prix Final! 

TLDR; I’m used to reading negative things about Satoko; it’s almost like a tradition at this point with her, but it was at this GPF when it hit me the most. For the first time, I really felt kind of miserable about it all and I wanted to write something in support for her, because I truly truly do love her skating so much. 

The qualities that I love the most in Satoko’s skating are never rewarded what they deserve in competition which is why she’ll never win all the things that she deserves. But watching the junior event and some of her competitors right before watching her really hit me with how under appreciated she is. Like I said in my emo post, I love skaters that move me and listen to their music and actually perform. Satoko does all of that and more. I truly love her skating, I always have. But seeing everyone trying to tear her to shreds honestly just made me love her more. Keep thriving Satoko!

Her FS was a disaster in terms of scoring, thanks to the sudden attitude shift by the tech panel, I suppose. I just don’t like playing this guessing game with her scores waiting to see if she’ll be deducted or not. I hate seeing her reactions to the low scores and I hate that her PCS are underscored. Idk, it’s been like this, the same problem over and over for the past two years. At this point, waiting for her scores is like russian roulette and I’d rather just ignore it and enjoy her performances. 

Now onto a bigger mess. Here’s a smaller passage I wrote about my girl Wakaba concerning her constant underscoring:

I'm still puzzled why Wakaba's scores aren't going through the typical inflation a skater's scores usually goes through when they start performing consistently. Her scores have been great compared to her junior years, but they've pretty much been stagnant from the beginning of the season (compared to her competitors) despite consistent showings  She could trade the 3F for a 3Lo but that lowers her BV and she's already not being rewarded for consistency. 

I'm always puzzled about why Wakaba isn't benefitting from higher scores due to her consistency this season  It seems like other skaters are enjoying a meteoric rise in their PCS especially, and their scores have been gradually rising even w/o clean programs. But besides the scoring, Wakaba performed amazing at her first GPF! 

LOL at me trying to be positive at the end but tbh I just don’t get it. Why do So many skaters see such a meteoric rise in PCS but Wakaba doesn’t, despite being consistent and always skating well? Her popularity has skyrocketed this season thanks to her fabulous programs alone, so what’s taking the judges so long to finally get behind her? I shouldn’t be surprised, it took Satoko like 2 years longer to finally get the average PCS scores she’s getting now, but Wakaba is so much like EuroAmerican skaters who seem to be benefiting the most from gradual score increases. Why not her? 

And another disaster FS. But like, it was really a disaster this time. Something wasn’t right, I could tell even before she took the ice that she was more nervous than usual and something jus didn’t click with the program. What went wrong? Wakaba has never been one to crack under pressure, in fact, she usually rises to the occasion. Was the pressure of the GPF too much? Was she overworked? Just tired? Just having an off day? She looked so defeated ever since she missed that first jump, as if she knew she would already lose because she doesn’t benefit from a PCS cushion. It was so upsetting to see, especially because I could notice it affecting her performance. It lost a bit of its spark. I’m a little more concerned for her Olympic spot which she seemed to have locked down before this performance. Now it really depends on nationals. Wakaba has never failed to deliver during Nationals, and now is absolutely not the right time to start. I’m worried for her, this free skate was easily the worst she’s skated all season, and we’ve seen how good she can be with her amazing programs this season. I don’t know what’s in store for her next, I hope she can just be proud of qualifying for her first GPF and take the disappoint to fuel for Nationals.

Pairs

y i k e s. Said in the preview that this would either be the best or the worst competition based on results. based on what I had said, this should be the worst competition. but instead, I’m kind of just lowkey shook that Sui/Han didn’t win, but I’m not that surprised, honestly. As I stated earlier, I never thought they were the judges favorites and despite winning PCS with the fall in the SP they skated basically a WR skate and still didn’t win the FS or the TSS. Shook. I can find the pros in this situation, as I think it’s a reminder that they can’t afford any mistakes. That mistake (from Cong!!) in the SP cost them at least 5-6 points that could’ve won them the entire event. the fact that they lose the PCS element isn’t something I can think of a solution for, honestly, but like?? like I said, they aren’t the judges favorites (no one I like is :^)). Additionally, being back in the underdog situation might be the firing up they need for the Olympics. They’ve already won in the stadium in Korea :) But they’re showing amazing consistency with their FS, especially with the SBS 3S! They’re still the only pair to crack 80 in the SP (a common feat for them). Also, the GPF doesn’t have the best track record when predicting olympic podiums. Also they have tons of time to prepare for Feb because they most likely won’t go to Chinese nats or 4CC. however, I’m equally just as nervous. Even with a clean FS, they didn’t win TES or PCS. Their streak of being undefeated just got broken meaning that they're not as invincible anymore. They no longer hold the WR (which I hope they get back @ the olympics), and now they’re starting to lose out on PCS which is a big WTF for me, but again, not surprising. There’s talk of the 4S coming back which makes me SO nervous because their track record with the 4S has not been great in the past (witnessed it with my own eyes). Before this comp I thought they could go w/o it and still win, now I’m not so sure, since the judges aren’t as eager to give them the win in the FS as they are for the SP. 

I think the only reason why I’m so shook is because I go so hard for winners. I remember back when C/B were in contention for winning things I got so hyped because I’m so desperate to really root for skaters who actually win things and are liked by the judges (probably due to me liking skating after watching YunaMao). Once S/H started winning EVERYTHING last year it was so wonderful. And the GP series this year with the WR and amazing performances were so great. It felt so good to be a fan of skaters who won all the time and came so far from when I first saw them. And now it’s so strange to see them not win something. Even though I knew they weren’t the favorites, it’s so weird to feel like I’m back in 2016 when S/H got silver so many times, got underscored in PCS, and got ignored and looked over. It’s nostalgic in a way. I’m absolutely stressed for them at the Olympics the most, probably because they’re the only ones that have a real likely chance of winning out of everyone else I stan hard for. And that’s what’s kind of scary; because up until now, they were pretty much being hailed as guaranteed locks. And that’s why I have so many thoughts and why I’m so invested. They’ve been on the most uphill climb I’ve ever followed a skater through and somehow, it still doesn’t feel like it’s reached the peak. They’re still going for 2022 but 4 years is SO MUCH for skating and even looking at the pairs field this quad, there’s been so much changing around in positions. This isn’t at all to say that I’ve ruled them out or lost faith. I’m concerned that others will, but S/H have always been underestimated, (although pretty much universally liked by the public thank god). I think I’m just trying to process their situation going forward. It would be a lot clearer had they won, but I can still see some positives from here. The only thing I’m feeling a bit disheartened about is their PCS gap, and the fact that they don’t have the WR anymore. Had they skated a clean SP, would the have won? If they skated last, would they have won? Every time S/H skated last in major competitions recently they won, and when they skated first in the group they didn’t. IDK it’s so so so important for them to get good start orders for the olympics, that’s what may stress me the most lol. Because I know they can deliver; that’s what they’ve proven over the last year. 

I’ve already written WAY too much about this but I tend to overthink and I’m still processing this situation. What I’m worried about the most is probably if they’ll go for the quad throw. I’m so nervous because they shouldn’t need to have it tbh but then again, if they’re no longer winning while skating clean, then what? How will they get the judges back on their side? Were the judges even on their side in the first place? Am I wrong to be doubting everything right now? I wanted to know how they’d score while skating first in a group, and I can see that the judges still like to leave room for scores coming in later. This makes me so apprehensive because basically it means that S/H really NEED to skate last in the FS at the olympics if they even want to win. They might not even be in the last group for the SP due to their lack of competitions during their hiatus. Skating first is a death sentence, as witnessed at Boston Worlds 2016. It’s also wise for them to most likely skip the team event. They don’t need the extra event when lbr china has no chance of medaling at the team event. I think I’m just shook the most from this because I’m not used to them not winning, and it’s weird to be back in this place again. I’m definitely overthinking this whole thing but I needed some way to process my thoughts! They always seem to be in good spirits after competitions regardless of results, but I could tell they seemed kind of pissed. I’m anxiously awaiting what they’ll do to prepare for the olympics, and you bet I’ll probably be dying when the pairs event happens in Pyeongchang. The one consolation I have that will save me from the devastation of 2014 olympics is the fact that they’ll still be continuing for 2022, but like I said, so many things can change. I’m stressed because I know that they have a real solid chance to win. They aren’t locks, like people have claimed (I never thought they were), but IMO they have such a good chance. and THATs why I’m so invested. and THAT’s why I’m so stressed. Because they CAN win and I want them to so bad. And it looked so good up until now where it’s not looking bad, but it’s just not as clear anymore. Still letting my thoughts mull over but IDK how to feel. I’m just really uncertain right now, and that’s an ickier feeling than being outright angry or happy at the moment. I'll be holding my breath and lighting ALL the candles for them from now until February. Obviously, they can still do it. But of course, I’m still worried. I’m always so worried. I really am. Shook, but not shaken. 

Ice Dancing

a disaster! Shibutanis messed up on their twizzles not once, but twice in both the SD and the FS, which honestly does not compute with me. I just don’t get it, they came out so strong in the GP series a la S/H, but somehow just made uncharacteristic mistakes a la S/H. Barely made it by with a bronze, but that’s definitely not how anyone wanted to see them win it. I’m not that worried about Nationals unless they repeat this hot mess performance again. They were so bummed, you could really tell because usually they always just smile and wave regardless of their scores. Not this time. They’ve truly had rotten luck at the GPF maybe they should just skip it next time LOL (don’t think that works in ice dancing but whatever). I hope this was just a fluke competition and they go back to being strong. C/B at least won the FS and the PCS but they still got 3rd overall among the 3 US teams which hella worries me for nationals but they’re not definitely last, I just have no clue what the hell will happen at US nationals and that worries me kind of.

Mens

I’m okay with this podium but not with their performances. Shoma losing 1st place and Japan’s streak of GPF men titles with a time violation? A time violation?! Nathan messing up in the FS again? It says something that mens had the most acceptable result for me in this entire event. I’m less invested in the results of the mens because it’s so unpredictable that I have 0 expectations of anyone. That’s what makes it the most easygoing competition for me, but somehow it still managed to be disappointing :^)

This competition must be a new record for the sheer amount of all my favorites bombing or making mistakes. All of them, all at this competition. kings and queens of solidarity I suppose. Usually at least one of my faves pulls through to make the event bearable, but not even a shoma-nathan podium can make up for what a disaster this event was. The optimist in me hopes that this is a good sign for my faves; that they’re letting their mistakes go before the Olys. The other part of me wants to ignore the numbers/placements and just enjoy their skating. The other part of me is worried that their reputation judging/pcs is going to be affected by their performances here. The other part of me is just sad that nobody really pulled through, not even those who I thought were dependable. The final part of me wants to skip this season, and every olympic season that follows from hereon out. Nothing good comes out of an olympic season, not since Maosus retired! I’ll enjoy my break from skating after Japanese nationals, and once the Olympics comes back around, my death will be imminent. 

[psychemeanscure]

PART 2.1 {This was suppose to be one chapter, but because I’m too drowned with too much details, I end up making 2.2 instead. Lol! Tune in to the continuation though. Happy reading y’all :)}

The wild bang of the pistol wakes her reverie from a nightmare. Lifelessly staring from the dark light of her ceiling, huffing with agony. She went off of her bed straight to her window glass devouring the city lights with crossed arms, recollecting the face of the devil who hunts her peaceful nights throughout the years. The eyes who killed his dearest father with no mercy. Those multiple gunshots, the couple of stabs which led to a soak from his own blood still fresh on her mind. He can never be forgiven. The elite gambler Veeros Alcaziar can never be forgiven. Not in her watch!

The sound from the doorbell made end of her recollections though, as she walks her way to the intercom only to see the man that irritates her. “What?” and just like he did from her bar, barging is his way indeed, after opening the door for him. Walk straight to her single couch, confidently seated spreading his arms on its armrest with legs crossed while she in the other hand only lazily follows him, occupying the vacant couch instead. 

“My drink, please.” His firm request as if a VIP guest needed to be served. “You’re not worthy to be entertained Jang, so can you just cut the chase, tell me your agenda and leave my premise?” her uninterested remarks ignoring his lousy tactics. “Tss. Impatient volatile.” Tapping one of his index finger on the armrest. Well, what was she expecting to this pinchazo in front of her though. Once a vulgar, always a vulgar. “One more nonsense Jang, and am I to drag you out of my apartment now.”

“You. Don’t you know that you’re the least person I let myself to be insulted with? You owe me one, woman.” He even pointed his finger for affirmation but hell she cares as she swiftly throws a pillow right in front of his face before she met his stern glare. “Now, you owe me two.” And she pissed off, about to throw another until finally. “Okay, fine! Fine.” Enjoying a sneering laugh on her. Not too long after composing his self for seriousness, meeting her awaiting sight.

“It’s time.”

And she only knew what he means, recalling their last conversions from her bar.

~

“Do you really have to use my Nightclub when in fact you have your own casino hotel still healthily build? Por el bien de Pete! What’s the use of venturing business with you if you still drag mine anyway? Mierda!” her continues banters while the other’s itching his ears as if cleansing from her monotonous curses. “Geez. You’re with your Spanish lingos again, can you come down for a sec. and listen for a while?” frustrated by the thought, she has no choice either. Seeing her grumbles made him reminisce their sealed deal back then as well.

-

“Mr. Jang! You came sir. I did not expect you though. You know, a busy man as you are…”  he was greeted by the wiggling brows of Lee Chanwoo, owner of the newly established Nightclub were he’s been invited. Failed to anticipate something of his approval, the owner shrugged by the thought. 

“Anyhow, allow me to welcome you to my humble Nightclub sir, your presence is well appreciated.” He was introduced instead but the hell he cares, he’s better to give his demonic superiority than being entertained by this shameless man who asked for him. He never planned to come either, but since he’s bored, why give it a shot though and maybe something may intrigue his attention. So glad, it did.

“Sung Eunyoung, our club manager. She’s the best. Meticulously the best.” The straight introduction of Lee Chanwoo after watching his savoring eyes on her who’s all smiles socializing and shaking hands with the elites of the party. The former did not disappoint him though for informing more of her whereabouts, just how he wanted. “She possesses her own Nightclub and Bar as well, and mind you? Don’t underestimate her. She’s a queen of connections yow! A total queen. Indeed, that’s how I decided to scout her eventually. Lucky I am, she said yes.” All he could respond is nod in awe, admitting he’s starting to get speechless of her.  

“Oh! Right. Before I forgot. Haven’t I told you that she’s the one who requested for you, actually?”

And heaven knows he did not take too long to face the shameless owner, dazed. “Pardon?” answered by a kinky smile of the former instead. “You heard it.” Its teasing remark then, unbothered anyhow as he glances to her position again only to find out her endearing eyes meeting his. Disbelieving smile subsides. No one broke their staring game either, thus he gulps his Manhattan drink in one shot before passing it emptied to the shameless owner beside him. “You should have told me earlier, Mr. Lee. For I should not have wasted my time with you.” dumbfounded Mr. Lee, who’s now ignored.

From the VIP Lounge of the second floor, he went down to the sea of elites of the first floor, on his way to her on the center bar. Here she is with her all so classy business attire while holding a martini on hand, as he approached with decency. “Sung Eunyoung. What a lovely name for a beautiful lady.” 

She doesn’t even look flustered by his approach but eyeing the Nightclub owner from above with a meaningful stare instead, not long before she led it back to him again. “I suppose you have been informed already Mr. Jang. It’s nice to finally meet you though.” She offered her hand while he’s in ow, stunned by her sharpness. Interesting. Just how he thought, as he takes her hand for the handshake.

“And I am just surprised how a humble businesswoman wished for the presence of a treacherous trouble shooter man though. So, how am I worthy of a service Mademoiselle?” with twitching brows, she admits she wasn’t expecting talking to a keen Jang Taeyoung in front of her actually, but she guesses wrong anyway. “So you’re not as unscrupulous as my first impression think it is, then. Good to know.” 

Putting down her martini drink, she motions him to a vacant lounge at the corner. So as he follows through, secretly gobbling her curves from behind.  Debating on how can someone slim as her look so sexy when she’s even wearing slacks? “Damn. Look at that voluptuous ass.” His whistling murmuring salvation, and she heard it. “That isn’t an appealing compliment for a first meeting Mr. Jang.” Her strict remark without even giving him glances. “My bad.” Just with his casual response as if they had been close for a long time. Truth be told, he’s already considering it actually.

She acquires something from her trivial bag the moment they arrived, and without hesitation slides it on the table passing it to him, revealing a picture named Veeros Alcaziar, a look of a dangerous man yet an unfamiliar face to him.  “Kill him for me.” And as if on cue, his dealing stands surfaces with eyes still fixated to the image of the aspirant target.

“For me… Hmm. To been offered a bloody job from a highly businesswoman is a bit unusual. So I assume this has something to do with your personal matters, isn’t it Ms. Sung?” With only her eyes matching his stands, he indeed failed to get a response. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Only to answer his own question before choosing to proceed his more indenture instead.

“You see Mademoiselle, upon personal matters like thi---“

“Consider your Casino Hotel. Take it or leave it.”

He hates when someone tries to cut by his words but today’s astonishment exceptional though. She got him there. Guess the shameless owner wasn’t making up stories after all. She’s indeed a hell of understatement. “Quite tempting, isn’t it Mr. Jang?” by proud dominancy, she finally speaks business with him.

[psychemeanscure]

PART 5 {Images and gifs aren’t mine. Hehe. Just a simple reminder. Lol. Happy reading! :)}

Indeed, this couple of weeks and months was hectic days for the both of them. Especially for Jang Taeyoung, true to his words he did manage everything without involving Sung Eunyoung who’s just with her usual business prowess maintaining every aspect of her trades. Truth be told, she was anxious as well, fortunately he certainly did well, from the shipment of both Cargos up to meeting the son. Thus, today they have been invited for dinner by the Spanish old man as gratitude of their partnership.

“Welcome! Welcome, to my humble home lovely couple.”

A greeting from the former anyhow as they walk through inside, linking each other’s arms. “Thank you for inviting us Señor.” A respond from him as well.  “Oh, Come on. This is just a simple thing to do. Speaking of, the dinner is all set. I bet you two are starving already. Or rather I, was the one who’s starving? I think the latter I guess.” Answered by a humorous remark from the old man then as they went inside it’s dining room, talking random stuffs, compliments to complements and of course business should not be an exemption, and until Jang Taeyoung seems to be looking for someone.

“If I may ask Señor, I haven’t seen your son today. Where is he somehow? “

“Oh, Zilo? Hm. Obviously, enjoying the time of his life out there of your Nightclub. I guess introducing it as a dealing abode is good thing for him surely, since he has no knack for casinos. You really did a good job to that boy. How I wish you’re my son as well.”

If only the old man knew that it isn’t even their reason choosing the Nightclub over the Casino as the dealing premise. Truth be told, it’s simply because his Casino is already famous with the all so loyal fishing police officials that it’s going to be chaos being busted. Well thanks to the connections of her, it never happened.

Hence, seconds later, the whole dining room were filled with their constant laughter certainly. Not for Sung Eunyoung though. She may have the face of an anticipating fiancé, yet the back of her minds says she wants to puke numerous times, cringe at every statement the Spanish gambler is throwing. How she wished he’s aware how many times did she kill him in her mind.

“Papá~ Your dearest son is home~ Where are you my dear el papá?”

The resonating voice of his son echoed effortlessly from the hallway that made their conversation halt for a bit. “Oh! There you are. Ooh… And with a guest. You did not tell me. Hi brother! And you---” as if a shotgun phrase from the young boy definitely, and before its interest motion to her, his father already barge in. “Could you even sit down first, son?” a bit unpleased being interrupted, he followed still anyway, sitting beside his father.

“Happy?” a mockery response from the son indeed, unbothered by his father’s frowning face, as he’s already eager to be able to know the dashing lady across him. Sensing the explicit stare of the latter on her. Well she can’t blame him though, for it’s certainly their first time meeting each other.

Therefore, she chooses to initiate the introduction in some way. “Amilia Martin. Nice to meet you.” Her firm primer indeed while handing her hand to him who’s only delightedly smiling the whole time with her. “Zilo Alcaziar. Pleasingly pleased to meet you as well m---“

“My fiancé, brother.”

He was stop surely for planning to kiss the back of her hand as a greeting, for as Jang Taeyoung dominantly cleared his throat while frivolously snatching the hand of his one and only fiancé. “What? Oh! Come on brother. Do you have to ruin the mood? Urgh. What a great timing. Now I have to call you sis.”

A humorous grumpiness from the troublemaker son indeed, that is once again filled the dining with laughter. If she has one thing wants with the Alcaziar, It’s the humor definitely cause even her was humored unpreparedly. He got her there certainly. But well no thanks. She would rather forget it if it only means coming from them.

Zilo decides to go upstairs first, leaving again with the three of them. Thus, another round of their casual talk follows. It was so-so at first, but not until the curious Jang opens a certain talk he did not expect may fume her.

“Know what, Señor. I’m still fascinated on how you manage to support your son’s activities. I mean, yes there ain’t no parent who wouldn’t want to fulfill their kid’s dream but don’t you doubt teaching Zilo in such a young age? He come a long way for a 20-year-old.”

Only answered by a grinning father while slicing the meal on its plate. “Nah, that boy isn’t even look like a 20-year-old anyway.” As if its backstab remark of his own son that as a matter of fact, indeed mature for his age, given a growing beard from his chin, even still born with a pale skin the built obviously deteriorate it caused from recent addictions.

“But seriously. If you can’t pamper your children as early as now, they only end up getting stubborn. Worst, they’ll only hate us as well. Besides, the younger they started the powerful they could become. Am I right?”

Answered by their agreeing smile anyhow. As they listen to his proceeding sentiments. “It always works for me--- Oh right. Except for one.” Intends to stop its words after wiping his mouth with a cloth and a sip of wine.

“Let me tell you a story. You see, stubbornness is the exact point here and this friend of mine is exactly the same. We were once partners in any ways. The same perspective. We click each other’s company. In short, we simply share the same mind. Then it happens that things didn’t work out for him. So I offered a special deal. I started pampering him things, opportunities and chances but he’s a rock head. He doesn’t glimpse with the idea even with all my efforts to persuade him. To help him. But, still. Nothing.”

Shrugging from reminiscing the memory, as he takes another sip of his wine. “So what happened to him now, Señor?” Jang Taeyoung’s casually following the flow of the conversation somehow. “I killed him, of course! What more should I do if he’s going to be useless anyway. And you know what’s funny?” its cliffhanging sentence then, while a stun flexed by their physique. Worried that the latter may notice their sudden stiffness, Jang instantly reverse indeed. But looking Sung Eunyoung who chooses to eagerly torture the meat on her plate is dangerous.

That he had to hold her gripping hand from the utensils hoping to calm her as the least he could do. It helped somehow maybe. That’s what he wants to believe for he was confused also by her calm but somewhat raging aura.  Lucky the Spanish man is completely unaware someway, as he started his proceeding sentences.

“Funny when after all my killing of him I am still seeking for my price. Back in… Barcelona I think? 20… oh, yes! 2001. That year. Jeez. I thought I had learned to forget that but No!” He was even laughing while remembering it. “You see; I don’t usually note the dates of my victims really but I guess he’s an exemption indeed. Tss. If only I had claim it back, then. Unfortunately, the one I was looking for is nowhere to be found. Just a snap, vanished. Unlucky isn’t it? Or is it because it’s raining cats and dogs that day? I guess I’m going to go with my superstitions. It’s the rain’s fault then.”

And she lost it. As the halted screeching sound of the table knife she’s using is finally visible to the ears not just with her acting fiancé but with the old man as well. For she already concluded that the one he’s talking is definitely her father. Her inside is fuming definitely. Completely oblivious of the scratch she made on the plate. She was just there, looking down her meal with ferocity.

That even the concern remark of the latter is already out of her range. She’s dying to kill him right there and then and just has to perform striking him with the keen knife she’s holding and viola, end of her misery. “Amilia.”  And yes. If not because of Jang Taeyoung who’s trying to get her composure back with a soft touch of her shoulder.

“Are you alright?”

As much as she does not like to suppress her anger this time. She had no choice anyway. She can’t sacrifice a possible outcome of her impetuosity. “Yah. I’m good. Just a bit nausea though. But it’s bearable, don’t worry.” And nausea, is definitely the understatement. For she intended to throw it to the man across her. Vomit is the best word. But the filthy Spanish man had misunderstood it instead. “Nausea? Oh… Why am I having a good hunch on this, huh? You two. You can’t wait aren’t you?” squinting them with a suspicious look.

And she knows what it meant absolutely. Bringing a fork of meat to her mouth, she speaks. “Shall we go get myself a check-up, then?” Looking lovingly to the man beside her who’s already cringing from the inside. Left with no options. “Well, I guess we need to. Before father may scold us more.” His humorous go with the flow response anyway before giving his all not so forced smiles on them. Only to end him up as a joker though.

“So it’s settled! We are going.”

While she managed to give her all not so fake smiles as well. Especially to the man who’s name she want to engrave to the ground so badly.

~

“Hijo de puta!”

“Did you see that? Did you see how he talk about my father so casually? And that puto is basically enjoying! Mierda.”

That’s it certainly. He was literally punished by her nonstop curses again even he hasn’t done something wrong. She wasn’t even aware that he still following her up to her apartment, only notice when they were already in her doorstep when he walks ahead of her after. “Did you just followed me up to here?” her dumbfounded question indeed that she has to eye between her door and him as if to make sure she’s right. “Obviously? Unless you want to be called as a crazy woman talking by herself though.” And when she was about to proceed for another cursing he stop her promptly then by shutting her mouth with his index finger.

“Shh. Enough of that. Can we just celebrate for now?” thus confusions hunt her at the moment, frowning from his remark. “What has to celebrate?” unwelcomingly rummaging to her kitchen, he went back successfully with a bottle of champagne, a wineglass for two, and a wine opener in his both hands. Setting it up to her bar table which is as well set towards a window glass overlooking the busy neon lights of the city. And with the final pop-up from the cork stopper, he speaks.

“For seeing each other finally after several days?” His blunt answer surely while she was left from a distance. Wandering eyes staring at him who’s already sitting, impatiently waiting for her. True somehow that they haven’t seen each other personally these past hectic days and only talking through phone calls. But why the hell she cares though? “Come on. Don’t keep me waiting, Ms. Sung.”

With crossing of arms and a groaning reaction, she had no choice definitely but to follow his path. “And then, what?” her unwilling words somehow after sitting across him. ”Tell me the whole story.” And just by looking with her ignoring reaction, he understood. “I won’t take a no for an answer this time Eunyoung. I can’t understand anything if you still leave me hanging of everything. I need to at least know something for me to avoid incident just as what happened a while ago.” Shrugging from the thought, he proceeds.

“It’s your lo---“

“Fine. I will.”

He was cut-off undoubtedly, yet relieve after realizing her answer. Readily noting every detail, she would share in his mind. So, she started while all he does was listen. Then until they reach to the crucial side of the story that left him unprepared as well. “Bankruptcy has hit dad bigtime absolutely that he had to seek help with that coño amigo of him. Only to find out his condition as a risk.”            

“Did you found out about the condition as well?”

“Unfortunately, No. I only grip with this information of him from NIS.”

She handed him her phone as he is expecting a file from it, too late to realize… “What the f*ck! You have access in NIS?!”  his curses in no time indeed as he was actually shown by the actual system of it. Only to receive a bragging laugh from her. “Jang. I’m no Amilia Martin for nothing. You should have known that. Tss.” She, who’s now confidently sipping her wine then.

“Whatever. You shouldn’t make it hard for me to search their whereabouts when you can just help me with this. You, secretive volatile.” Twitching his brows in a way as he handed back her phone. “Sorry, but I don’t share. Besides, I’m paying you for that job. Why would I waste my time helping? You should work for it.”

“That’s just it, really? Are you sure it isn’t because you want to keep seeing me as well?” Thus their bickering starts again. Eyeing her suspiciously. “Look who’s talking.” Rolling her eyes unwillingly. Only to see a placing elbow to the armrest of the seat he’s occupying just to caress his smirking lips by his thumb while desirably staring at her. She knew right there, he’s starting again.

“I missed you.”

Like she expected, and she’s lying if she says she didn’t even stiff by that certain remark because she did eventually. But as if she’ll let him take chances. Screw him. Putting down her empty wineglass, sternly looking at him. “Can you at least end a day without picking me up, gilipollas?”  only to hear his nonchalant laugh instead. “You know what, you’re really something. Back there and today, don’t you know how I eagerly want to applause you with that façade annoyance of you? How did you do that, huh? Maintaining a classy calm face but blazingly livid inside?”

“Is that a mockery or a compliment? Cause I do think it’s the former. You---“

“Oops! Please, halt there. Can’t you see my ears bleeding already?”

Before she could utter another swear, he instantly stops her with his idioms absolutely. “And picking? Great, look who’s talking as well. For my mind can’t process how did I become an instant father when all we did was still kissed. Unless you do like to brought it to life though. Just one word and I’m so open Sung Eunyoung.”

A frowning her indeed. “Shut up! I’m not one of your perra, you cabrón. And for your information, It wasn’t even me. It was Amilia who’s talking. Please, see the difference for yourself.”

“Uhuh. That’s why I love Amilia, more than you. Her impulsiveness is my everything.”

And she’s finally full of him absolutely, uncontrollably shut her eyes out of frustration. “Are you even--- “

“Jealous with your own identity?”

She was cut-off by his syllabic sentence indeed, even it isn’t what she meant otherwise. That with a final slap of her palm on the bar table, pushing herself to stand up, grab him by his suit gorge and drag him out of her premise is the only way. But not all of it happened though. For by the time she tries to grab his gorge, she was the one been grabbed by him instead. The next thing she realize…

His lips have already pressed to hers. “Don’t worry. I’m still more passionate for you, though.”

Their stares and closeness had her off guard already what more with their position nonetheless. She’s factually cornering him in between his seat. Hands that had to land to the armrest while the other on his beating chest makes it worse. “Feel that? Amilia can never do that. Only you can, Sung Eunyoung.”

His hoarse remark this time, only to mark it as her worst then. ‘Shut up.’ The silent word she keeps on reminding on her pounding heart as well. She knew that it was just one of his usual taming actions, but her inside is fighting again. Thus, with his last farewell gesture. He takes her hand from his chest only to kiss the side of her palm between the thumb and wrist. As if the peck a while ago wasn’t enough and doing so is his only way of satisfaction.  

“Shut up, shut up, Shut. Up!”

Voicing it out definitely after a close from her door was heard that means he left finally.

[psychemeanscure]

PART 4 { I think I forgot to tell this, but I guess I just have to mention it now. This story is purely fictional. Places, names, things may or may not be related with each other. Nor to do harm. Just be reminded that this is all fiction. In case a sensitive issue might arise, since I only rely to what google give me as well. Hehe. Anyway, happy reading :)}

“Boss! I got the de--- Boss?”

He’s too preoccupied by his thoughts that even the voice of his people can’t even get through him, for he is still moved from the yesterday’s happenings. “Boss.” Another hoping call for him, and still no response indeed.

-

“Okay! Can we talk about us, now?”  

His first word the moment he ended the settled deal by call with the Spanish gambler as he steps in the driver’s seat facing her who’s already waiting from the passenger seat. “Shut up. I’m still not in the mood for you, Jang Taeyoung.” Thus he starts the engine as they continue to bicker throughout the ride.

“Come on. Is this still about the prompt proposal? I told you, even I has no clue about it as I thought we’re going to deal with the gun transactions only.”

“Exactly. And it’s your fault.” crossing her arms again as she looks by the window instead. “Tss. You accusing bulldozer. I should have sided the old man instead. I could have enjoyed his humor better than you do.” And that made her turn her head to him. “Well, just make sure to inform me if you plan to betray me soon.”

“Jeez. You really can’t distinguish a joke, are you? What do you think of me? Low-cost? Tss. Besides, there’s no way I’m going to clasp a hand with that geezer, either. I hate him even.” Curious from what she heard. She starts to ask him the usual. “Oh, wow. That’s new. What makes you decide that easily, though?”

“Tsk, tsk, tsk. As expected, you’re too focus of revenge that you’re unable to see his suspicious look on you.” And it made her forehead crease. “What?” received a shrugging shoulder from him then. “He keeps watching you the whole time whenever your eyes are not on him. Like he had something to remember by you. And it’s too fishy. Too fishy something. I hate it.”  By gripping the steering wheel, he accelerated their phase from the broad road of Seoul while she had to deal with his daydreaming assumptions. “Can you stop your dreaming haughtiness like as if we were even a thing? Tú apesta.”

There she is finally with her curses as she had to roll her eyes up because of him. Yet in the other side, he’s just simply excited to play his cleverness on her again. “Ooh… So you are open considering us as a thing, huh? That hasn’t slip in my mind, though. Shall I say my pleasure, then?” only to receive a glare coming from her.

~

“Send me the details tomorrow. I’ll get back to you once I finish all my meetings.”

Her firm business remark after they went out of the garage, snatching back her car key from him. Went straight to the entrance door to enter her passcode but frowned after realizing that he still around, nor even calling his assistant to fetch him. “What? You’re not leaving? Don’t tell me you’ll somehow get me obliged to call assistance for you?”  yet, he was just there just few meters from her standing, both hands in his pockets while giving her a meaningful stare as if contemplating his words to say to her. 

“Nah. I’m just going to do this.” And he did it, indeed. Occupying the remaining distance between them, swiftly cupping her cheeks by his hands as he deeply claims her lips with wholesomeness. Kissed her under the night sky of darkness and only moon as their witness. 

She was left off-guard that even the sudden tiptoe of her feet is oblivious on her sane, and when she was about to protest, he already pulled away. “You’re too stubborn to talk about your indebtedness from me a while ago. So why not a surprise paycheck will do.”

“Good night, my sweet volatile.”

His last whisper on her ear before guiding the still struck her inside her premise. “Joder esta! Get yourself together, Sung Eunyoung.” She ends up scolding herself indeed after closing the door of her apartment as she was still on her doorstep gripping the doorknob with so much vigor. Heart’s racing with bafflement. She doesn’t want to assume any from him for she knows what kind of man he is, but… “But that look. Mierda!”

She blurts it out indeed. That certain look he never gave to anyone, not until today. Not until with her.  

-

“Boss!”

With one last hope from his assistant, he finally snaps back to reality. Turning his head to face the owner of the voice. “U-uh?” his absentminded out of sane answer still, only to be handled a catalog envelope to his hand. “The details you requested Boss.”  As he only checks what’s inside and thank him. “You may go, Jae.” His final bid indeed but seems to confuse the latter. “Uh. Boss? Should I send it also to Ms.--- “

“No, it’s okay. I can handle.”

“Yes, Boss.”

Thus the assistant went out just as he wanted. While he was left smirking, swirling on his swivel chair with a silly thought in mind. A silly move he always enjoys.

~

The sound of a thrown golf ball elopes the entire walls of her personal sports room for she just finished a previous meeting calls only to receive another incoming. Thus she had pause for a moment and accept it from her smartwatch again.

“Yes, Director.”

“Yes, the honor is mine. I hope the girls on standby made your day, though.”

“I’m glad to hear that. In fact, the prospectus you sent is quite my interest.”

“Oh no. You don’t have---“

Her conversion cut off by a sudden barging from a person she already knew. She almost cusses if only she’s not fast to realize that she’s still conversing to someone over a call, that even the caller had to ask if there’s something wrong. She composes immediately somehow, except that her glaring eyes were darted to the unwelcome visitor though.

“Anyway Director, thank you for trusting your business on us.”

“My pleasure. Expect the response of my secretary by Friday.”

“Yes, please.”

With one last bid of goodbye and a put off of her bluetooth earbud, she indeed fuming mad imposing the great Jang Taeyong who’s just comfortably sitting on the couch. “Didn’t I tell you I get back to you once I finish my meetings? La mierda. You almost ruined everything!”

“But I did not.”

Only to receive a quirky statement from him anyway, that she had no choice either but to entertain, occupying the opposite seat from him. “What now?” thus he showed her the catalog envelope his assistant gave a while ago, while she starts to check the moment she received it only to groan after learning what’s inside. “You really don’t listen, are you? I told you to just send me the details. Email, Jang Taeyoung. I don’t have to see your face just for this.”

“Ah. Uhuh… So that’s what you mean by that? You should have been more specific. Shall I say sorry?”

His quirky answers continue even he always do understand her sentences. And just by looking her unconvinced gaze, he knew she knows as well as he does. “Forget it. You’re here anyway. And since you’re here, better elaborate this asustando papel for me instead. That’s the least you can do.”

Her mocking words indeed by which only made him a cringing brows. “You, woman. You’re always pulling me down. Tss. Fine.” As much as she wants to laugh by his sudden yield, she chose to suppress it anyway. Thus, he started after some fixing with his suit.

“Zilo Alcaziar, the troublemaker son of Veeros Alcaziar. An elite from underground Castellón, Spain. If not with his father’s power he could have rot in jail because of its involvement in many drug activities such as cocaine, cannabis, MDMA and his most favorite…” he intended to halt his words to see her expectant reaction. “What?” her impatience indeed.

“Heroin.”

“Esta mierda! And he’s only 20?! Don’t you dare tell me that it’s even included to the said transaction?”

“Uhuh. Sadly, Yes. No doubt his father is trying to be a good Samaritan for his son.” And so he swears, if only curses can kill. He’s probably the first on the list for he is currently catching every kind of curses from her mouth right now while she takes a deep breath preparing for another information that may stress her somehow. “Okay. Fine. What more should I have to suffer to hear?”  

He can’t help to sneak a laugh by her witty-like remark that he follows anyway and proceeds to another information for her. The rest of their conversation then just became a constant throw-catch disputes of details or rather been said, a matter of question and answer bickering between a lion towards his lioness.

“When was that again?”

“Next month is his arrival. Together with the second cargo entailed of powders obviously as what I have told you. The old man said it will be the same process with the guns next week, so by dawn I and my boys must be on the port on time.”

With the look of her brushing her face. He knows she’s starting to get lost from her thoughts, frustrated. “Dios Mio. A father who’s even letting his son involved. Urgh. Do you really think I can absorb all of this, Jang Taeyoung?”

“Then you better not. You don’t need to get involved with the transactions though and just leave it to me. It’s too dangerous. You do trust me, right?” scoffing from what she heard, she had no choice anyway. “Are you sure?” only to be responded by his groan. “You only reciprocated my question, Sung Eunyoung. I said, do you trust me?” seeking for affirmation from her, she knew his being serious right then that only thing she could do is sigh.

“I should, is maybe my right response to that, Jang Taeyoung. Don’t force me.”

Giving her a stern look doesn’t work somehow, so he gives in anyway. “Fine. Even that isn’t the answer I’m expecting.”  

“Whatever. Can we just end this for today? I had enough headache already.”

As she stands up, picking its golf club from a stand bag, after deciding for another round of play. “You too, should go. I had enough of you as well.” But the latter didn’t even get a hitch to move from his seat and were just watching her from behind. “It’s so unfair. You have your own sports room while I don’t.” his set of grumpiness indeed. “Then get one. You have all money to do that. Why bother patronizing mine. As if you’re into sports. Your sports room will be useless anyway.”   

“Tss. Bulldozer. Who says I don’t? And I love bowling!”

With a hit from the golf club, she finally heard the shut of the door, left by a grumpy still Jang Taeyoung. For she only gives in a deep sigh, still remembering yesterday. She really has to be careful around him. Does not like to admit, but…

“He’s the death of you, Sung Eunyoung.”    

Reminding herself certainly.